Linda: We now go live to our eye-in-the-sky hovercopter on the scene of that terrible hovercopter crash. Jim?
Jim: The scene is not good, Linda. I've just learned that my last words were back to you, Linda.
Linda: One for the blooper reel.
Kif: The news is so violent. Let's watch Rachael Ray instead. No, wait. There might be chopping.
Amy: God, what a wuss. Stop being such a spineless jellyfish.
Kif: You know full well that I am more closely related to the sea cucumber.
Amy: Not where it counts.
Morbo: I hated Jim! In other news, our city's urine-soaked walls have been desicrated by a mysterious tile-work graffiti artist.
Linda: Police have no idea who is behind this innovative scourge of public art.
Bender: That is one sexy bridge abutment.
Hyper-Chicken: Free corn? That'll suit me just fine.
Bender: The key is knowing precisely where to strike. Oops!
Url: Well, well. Time to beat him his rights.
Smitty: You know, that don't look half bad on your buttocks.
Url: It does sorta class-up the place.
Clock: The time is 4 am.
Amy: We've been arguing all night, Kif. Can't we go to bed?
Kif: Is that all you ever think about? I'm not just some piece of tofu, Amy. I need to know where we stand in our relationship.
Amy: We're just going through a rough patch.
Kif: It is not a patch. It's been ages, according to your wildly inappropriate "Hunk of the Month" calender.
Amy: Leave Todd out of this!
Todd: Thanks, babe. Also, today is Canadian Independence Day.
Amy: Oh, that's Bender's ringtone. I recognize the smell. Hello?
Bender: Yo, Amy, I'm in the slammer.
Amy: Oh, no!
Bender: That's enough lip from you, moneybags. Just get 5 grand an bail me out.
Amy: I don't have that kind of money laying around.
Bender: Yeah, you do. You know that floor safe where you keep 10 grand? There's 5 grand in there. Don't make me wait!
Roberto: Hey, Bender. Ever kill a man with a sock? It ain't so hard. Ha-HAA.
Bender: I better carve a shiv for protection.
Url: Rodríguez! These two brothers bailed your ass out.
Bender: Oh! Thank God. Tell me, have things changed on the outside. Is food finally in pill form? What about pills? Are they in food form?
Larry The Murder Burglar: Hey, hot stuff. I'm Larry the Murder Burglar.
Amy: Hi, Larry. I like your tattoos.
Kif: Amy, that man's a criminal!
Amy: I was just checking out his tats. Sneato! I have one of my mom. Wanna see?
Larry The Murder Burglar: Sure.
Kif: I just don't understand why you have to flirt with every bad boy in sight.
Amy: Quit exaggerating.
Criminal: Nobody move, or sweet cheeks here gets it!
Amy: Oh! You're bad!
Url: Momma said, Spock you out!
Kif: That's it, Amy. Pardon my language, but I have had it with you ruffling my petticoats. You and I are through.
Bender: Aw! Here's a little song I wrote to cheer you up. It's called, Let's go already!
Leela: Here's to Amy, single, lonely, and fabulous.
Amy: Thanks everybody. Looks like I'm back in the game.
Bender: Yeah, the game of Old Maid.
Security Woman: Excuse me, sir, are those yours?
Bender: You're damn right. And, before you ask, this is mine too.
Fry: Tough break, Amy. Are you and Kif getting divorced?
Amy: No. Technically we were Fonfon rus, so we weren't really married.
Bender: Wow! The interesting thing about that is
Leela: So, Amy, how can I phrase this delicately? Why did Kif dump you like a sack of yesterday's turds?
Amy: He says I have a thing for bad boys. It's so stupid.
Bender: The truth is often stupid.
Amy: Bender, why do you have to be so mean to me?
Bender: Shut up, baby, you love it.
Amy: Don't tell me to shut up! You know what happened to the last guy that told me to shut up?
Bender: What?
Amy: That was great.
Bender: Shut up. Come over here.
Amy: Remember, love between a human and a robot is taboo. We can't tell anyone, not even our co-workers.
Bender: Got it. I'll show the utmost discretion as we get nasty in this glass tube.
Hermes: I think I'm coming down with circusitis.
Leela: I thought circusitis only affected children.
Hermes: Children of all ages.
Zoidberg: Bender, old friend. What's on your face?
Bender: Uh. Blood. You know, from shaving of the face-beard.
Fry: Amy, are those gear imprints on your sweatpants?
Amy: Uh, maybe. So what?
Fry: I only brought it up because Bender is wearing them.
Bender: Uh, I stole them from her. Yeah, that's it, call the cops.
Hermes: Oh, my swollen feet. He takes his feet out of the tub of water. They have turned into clown shoes] I better take my pills.
Bender: Amy, I reckon sweet talk don't come natural to me, but of everyone I've ever dated, you are probably in the top ten.
Amy: Aw, you always say just the wrong thing in just the right way.
Preacherbot: Sinners! Robosexuality is an abomination!
Bender: Oy, this guy.
Preacherbot: The good book sayeth a robot shall not lie down with a human, nor do it standing up, nor any angle in between.
Bender: Look! A single mother! Let's get her!
Farnsworth: Quickly, into the ship's basement! Now, then, as you all know, the county fair is approaching once again, so I'm preparing my entry of pickled winds and weathers. I've got sunny, snow flurry, hail with onions, even my grandmother's cranberry-raisin typhoon, but no tornado. I'll be damned if I let Mrs. Girdleson take the blue ribbon again. That's why I need you folks to get out there and harvest a nice ripe one. This cattle prod should help.
Leela: How is that?
Farnsworth: Get out there!
Leela: Is everybody in position?
Amy: What?
Zoidberg: Is someone talking?
Leela: Okay, good. On three. One.
Hermes: What did she say?
Leela: Two.
Bender: Wait, I'm not in position.
Leela: Three.
Zoidberg: I'm ready for the countdown.
Leela: I'm not hearing anyone! Abort mission!
Fry: She said, "Go!"
Farnsworth: Good work, everyone.
Leela: Honestly, that went better than I expected.
Farnsworth: I just need to reduce it down into this pickle jar, toss in a bay leaf to impress those stupid judges.
Fry: Hey, where's Amy and Bender?
Zoidberg: They're missing out on some hot pickle action.
Hermes: Sounds like a muskrat's caught in there.
Leela: That's Amy's sweatshirt!
Fry: And that's Bender's hat from the Player's ball!
Hermes: Sweet tornadoes of Barbados! Bender and Amy have been torn to shreds!
Farnsworth: Oh, the humanity! Also Bender!
Amy: Uh-oh!
Farnsworth: What's going on here?
Bender: Uh. Nothing.
Farnsworth: A pair of deviant robosexuals. Not under my roof!
Bender: What about on the roof?
Farnsworth: Get your mind out of the gutter!
Bender: What about in the gutter?
Leela: Professor, there is nothing wrong with robosexuality.
Hermes: Yeah, when the lights go out, it's nobody's business what happens between two consenting adults.
Zoidberg: Or one!
Amy: Thanks, guys. Everything will be okay just as long as my parents don't find out.
Farnsworth: Zai jian.
Amy: Mom? Dad?
Leo: Come home, Amy. It your decision. We can't make you. Atta girl!
Bender: Uh-oh! not the innocent whistling!
Preacherbot: Repent!
Bender: Oy, this guy.
Inez: Look, we're your family. And if you can't talk about your problems with us, that would be great.
Amy: I don't have a problem! I'm in a happy relationship that just happens to be robosex-
Leo: You finish that word, you kill your parents.
Wine Bucket: Low wine level detected.
Amy: Thank you.
Leo: Stop seducing him, you hussy!
Amy: Dad, gleesh! I'm attracted to Bender, not his emotionless wine bucket!
Wine Bucket: Hopes deleted.
Preacherbot: Robotic brothers, the path to Robot Hell is paved with human flesh.
Bender: Neat!
Preacherbot: Over the course of this escape-proof workshop, your software will be reprogrammed through prayer. And by some tech support guys in India.
Robosexual Robot: But I read in Esqwired that some robots are hardwired to be robosexual.
Preacherbot: Don't believe those lies, son! The one ones worth believing are the ones in the Bible. Can I get an "Amen"?
Hermaphrobot: I'll take a-three-men, holla!
Inez: Come on, Amy! Pick a male human already! I want to be a grandmother nine months from five minutes from now.
Amy: Cut it out, Mom! I'm not interested in any of these gross, ugly losers.
Fry: What about this gross, ugly, smelly loser?
Leo: Fry! What you doing here?
Fry: I'm here to rescue Amy, uh... from her robosexual desires.
Amy: If I understand you correctly, I've seen the error of my ways?
Leo: Look at all that awkward winking.
Inez: It must be love.
Amy: My parents may be evil, but at least they're stupid.
Preacherbot: In this phase, you will literally wrestle with your demons. Your shapely, buxom, human demons.
Fatbot: Look at the rack on that one! Oh! I mean, that one on the rack!
Preacherbot: Good! That's real good! Okay, everybody switch demons. No point sticking with just one demon. Now, work it hard! Harder! Till the sin explodes! Ouch! Mmmm. Mercy. Okay, Lord's work is done. Now, now, cuddle. Cuddle with your demons.
Bender: Oh, Amy. I wonder where you are right now!
Amy: I'm inside the dummy to rescue you.
Bender: That answers that. Wait... Amy?
Leela: Bender, be careful!
Bender: Fry? Leela? You're in there, too? Blech.
Zoidberg: I guess we should have waited in the ship.
Bender: Listen up, everybody, I love Amy and I'm tired of pussyfootcupping around! I finally found someone I want to spend the rest of her life with. Amy, will you marry me?
Amy: Yes! Yes!
Farnsworth: Oh, I'm just glad I didn't live to see this day! Wait a second, No!
Zoidberg: Such a stone. Is it real? Horray!
Farnsworth: Horray denied! Need I remind you that robosexual marriage is illegal!
Leela: Not in Space Massachusetts.
Bender: You mean Space-tax-achusetts. No chance, stretch pants! We're gonna fight to legalize it right here!
Hermes: Yeah, man! You got to legalize it!
Amy: We're talking about robosexual marriage.
Hermes: We're talking about lots of stuff.
Fry: Cool! Can you turn into a race car?
Hot Dog Stand: Nah, I'm just a pre-op transformer.
Amy: Thank you for coming, everyone. We're all having some good, clean fun here.
Hedonism Bot: Squeaky, squishy clean!
Amy: But it's time to discuss a pressing issue, the right to marry who, or what, we want!
Bender: Every other couple has the right to marry, robot and fembot,
Randy: Our poodle has two daddies.
Bender: Interracial,, Interplanetary,, even ghost and horse, but not robot and human.
Amy: That's why we're introducing this ballot initiative to legalize robosexual marriage.
Bender: If you hate intolerance and begin punched in the face by me, please support Proposition Infinity!
Bender: Damn it!
[Scene: √2 News broadcast.]
<Poem>Linda: As election day nears, prop infinity seems doomed to certain defeat.
Morbo: Doooooooomed!
Linda: More fair and balanced coverage after a word from our sponsor, No on Infinity.
Actor 1: A storm is gathering.
Actor 2: A storm of robosexual marriage that will rain down on us like fire.
Actor 1: It's probably a firestorm.
Actress: If robosexual marriage becomes legal, imagine the horrible things that will happen to our children, then imagine we said those things, since we couldn't think of any. As a mother, those things worry me.
Man: Vote No on Infinity. Paid for by the Farnsworth Foundation.
Amy: We can't compete against that much stock footage of clouds! We're boned!
Bender: But we still have one hope, my big televised debate! I'm our A in the hole!
Fry: Professor, who's debating for your side?
Farnsworth: Oh, that guy, you know, I forget his name.
Farnsworth: That's him!
George Takei'S Head: Good evening, I'm George Takei's head and neck, your host for tonight's debate. You may applaud. We flipped a coin before the debate and Bender stole it, so we'll start with him.
Bender: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I... Oops. Sorry, force of habit. I support this proposition because I love a goopy, flesh-and-blood woman, and not surprisingly, she loves me. This is a simple matter of justice, which I'm not normally for. So, please, vote yes. After all, our love isn't any different than yours, except it's hotter, 'cause I'm involved.
Takei: I haven't heard such an eloquent speech since Bill Shatner explained why he couldn't pay me back. Rebuttal, Professor?
Farnsworth: This $4 coffee pot talks about love, but what he describes is perversion.
Bender: You wouldn't know perversion if it put clamps on your testicles! You're just jealous, 'cause you've never known true love.
Farnsworth: Oh, no? Back when I was full of piss and vinegar, and my bed wasn't, I fell in love with the sweetest girl to ever skip through a field of posies. Her name was Eunice, and we spent our blissful days working in a lab, developing a poison to wipe out that dreadful posy infestation. I thought our love would last forever. But then, 43 years later, she left me for a robot! How could she do that to me, her Farnypoo?
Amy: That's it? You hate robosexual 'cause your girlfriend left you for a robot?
Farnsworth: She didn't just leave me for a robot. She was a robot! Oh, God! Her name wasn't Eunice, it was Unit! Unit 47. My heart was broken, and like a bitter, old picklepuss, I took my anger out on robosexuals everywhere. I'm so ashamed! At the risk of losing this debate, I beg you, support Proposition Infinity.
Bender: Give me a hug.
George Takei'S Head: I, too, am hugging them in spirit. And now, they're hugging me back. Oh, my!
Linda: In a stunning turnout, voters have approved Proposition Infinity. Robosexual marriage is now legal.
Morbo: What's next, gay robosexual marriage?
Amy: We did it, honey! Finally, we can have a legal, monogamous marriage, like everyone else!
Bender: Woo-hoo! Yeah! ... Monogamous?
Radio Announcer: And now, a long-distance dedication from a squishy, green bad boy to his pink pork dumpling. At number 12, it's Wailing Fungus with "Shut Up and Love Me".
Wailing Fungus: I told you where. I told you when. I told you how. And we'll meet up at ten. But you keep on talkin'. You keep on yackin'.
Chorus: Shut up and love me! Shut up and love me!


Morbo: Silence, puny audience. And welcome to Who Dares to be a Millionaire? Tremble before Morbo's mighty likability, as I chitchat with out first contestant, Philip J. Fry.
Bender: Give him hell, Morbo!
Morbo: Prepare for pleasantries. So Fry, what do you do for a living?
Fry: Me? Um, can I phone a friend?
Morbo: Chitchat achieved! Are you ready to play?
Fry: I didn't come to play. I came to win. Now let's play.
Morbo: For $1, what tool is used to hammer a nail? Is it, A, a hammer? B, A nail? C...
Fry: B, nail, final answer!
Hermes: Sweet dodo of Lesotho! Don't you ever stop to think before you speak?
Fry: I never stop to think about it.
Leela: Aw, leave Fry alone. His intelligence is just a little differenty.
Bender: You big dummy!
Fry: Hey, I'm begining to think you guys don't think I'm very smart.
Farnsworth: You can barely remember your own name, Einstein.
Fry: Einstein is a hard name to remember.. Ow!
Amy: Smeesh, Professor. Don't have a schmaneurysm. Fry's your distant relative.
Farnsworth: Not distant enough! I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm this monkey's nephew!
Fry: But you're my only family. Who will hug me if I achieve something?
Farnsworth: Oh, perhaps I've been too harsh. Come, lad, take my hand and I'll explain why I find you so repugnant.
Farnsworth: All my life I've been inspired by great minds. Euclid, Copernicus, Braino. And my personal role model, Leonardo da Vinci.
Fry: What turned them to stone?
Farnsworth: da Vinci was history's greatest artist and inventor. Voilà! He invented flying machines, war engines, submarines.
Fry: Uh-oh! Nibbler died in the wall.
Farnsworth: That's not Nibbler. That's my most precious possession. Leonardo's beard! I paid a fortune for it at an auction of historic body parts. I suppose if I have an Achilles' heel, it's because I bought it at that same auction.
Fry: Indeed so. Most indeededly.
Farnsworth: Careful with that, you fool! No! No! But possibly yes.
Fry: What is it, Professor?
Farnsworth: Oh, my! It's da Vinci's fabled lost invention. Even the scholars who wrote of this device had no idea what it was for. And now, at least, neither do I!
Fry: Maybe we can figure it out.
Farnsworth: We?
Fry: Well, I may not have brain smarts, but at least I have street smarts.
Fry: I was in the hospital two weeks. No one visited me.
Farnsworth: Quiet, you! I'm trying to deduce the function of da Vinci's lost invention.
Fry: Not even a card.
Farnsowrth: He might have hidden a clue in one of his other works. Ergo, I sent Bender out for a copy of the Last Supper.
Bender: I'm back! Everyone at Kinko's was an idiot, so I just brought the original.
Zoidberg: Jesus Christ! ...and his Twelve Apostles!
Amy: That's odd. This hand here doesn't belong to anybody. And it's pointing a knife at James the Lesser!
Bender: That's the great thing about that hand.
Hermes: And what about these funky table legs? It's like their part of some other, funkier painting.
Zoidberg: Maybe da Vinci painted over something else. It's called a pentimento.
Farnsworth: That's true, Dr. Zoidberg. How did you know that?
Zoidberg: My doctorate is in Art History.
Farnsworth: Let's see what's under the Last Supper.
Hermes: Wait a second, I'm not big-boned, I'm just fat.
Farnsworth: My God! Look!
Amy: My God! I'm looking!
Leela: My God! Saint James was a robot!
Zoidberg: My God! da Vinci left his legs unpainted as a clue.
Farnsworth: My God! This is the greatest mystery of all time. We must fly to Rome and exhume the body of Saint James.
Hermes: Didn't we used to be a delivery company?
Farnsworth: To the ship!
Fry: Psst. Leela, wanna join the Mile-Deep Club?
Leela: Sure, why not?
Farnswoth: No time! I've found a clue that could unlock all the secrets of history. Look at these Roman numerals.
Fry: Roman numerals? I've got it! We're in Rome.
Farnsworth: Don't be stupid. It's a long lost mathematical code. I'll need to consult these ancient writings. Some preposterous hog-wash about the Fibonacci Sequence. Aha! The markings indicate how many paces we need to take. One ... Okay, we're there.
Bender: Brothers and sisters, let us pry.
Farnsworth: It's true, Saint James really was a robot.
Bender: I bet he's up in Robot Heaven right now. So he won't miss his eyes.
Fry: My God! Robot Saint James is a zombie.
Animatronio: Nay, I am not Saint James.
Bender: Enough of your lies, Saint James. We saw you in the Last Supper.
Animatronio: The great man Leonardo built me as an artist's model. When I took repose in this coffin, I carefully tossed the real Saint James in yonder heap. I'm sure you have many questions. Come, there is a chamber where I used to speak with Pope John the Patient.
Animatronio: I told him I'd be back in five minutes. Ah well, he'll make a nice heap. I am Animatronio, guardian of da Vinci's great secret. He left my legs visible in the painting as a clue, then dispatched me hither to wait for his shadow society of intellectuals.
Fry: Hi, Animatronio.
Farnsworth: You personally knew da Vinci? Was he nice? How did his hair smell? And on a personal note, what is the function of this device?
Animatronio: Halt! You do not know the function of the Macchina Magnifica? Then thou art not members of the Shadow Society.
Bender: The what now?
Animatronio: Not one more word shall I breathe. Not even about the great fountain where thou mayest find the... Wait. Thou didst not know about the fountain, didst thou? Curses, I must be punished.
Farnswoth: Quick, we must find out what he knows before he flays himself to death!
Leela: Where is the great fountain?
Fry: What makes it so great?
Bender: Why does a robot need a codpiece?
Animatronio: Fie, thou fen-suckled bum-bailey! Thou wilst never pry information from these mechanical lips!
Leela: Just tell us, already!
Animatronio: Okay, the fountain thou seekest is...
Farnsworth: And so dies our hope of solving this mystery. Come on gang, let's go home. Wait! Let's not give up so easily. Animatronio mentioned a fountain. That's a statue of Neptune, god of water. The number of points on him trident is three, or trey. The "u" in his name is written like "v". Trey, "v". Trevi! It's the Trevi Fountain. There can be no question!
Leela: But, Professor...
Farnsworth: There can be no question!
Fry: Wow, it hasn't changed in a thousand years.
Farnsworth: Okay, everyone, into the fountain.
Bender: What are you, senile? I'm not jumping in there.
Fry: Hey, look. Coins.
Bender: I got 48 cents. There's one more nickel, and it's a big one!
Farnsworth: Quickly, into the sewer hole.
Leela: Why?
Fry: What's this dump?
Farnsworth: My god! It's the Pantheon!
Leela: This place is 3,000 years old. What could possibly be left to discover?
Farnsworth: Maybe something about ourselves, Leela. Wait! What's under that blanket? My God! da Vinci's Vitruvian Man!
Fry: It's truly a masterpiece. Note how the perspective lines draw the eye right to his dong.
Farnsworth: Say, what's this?
Bender: Anyone hear something?
Farnsworth: It's a coin slot. Bender, insert that giant nickel.
Bender: Sure. Ow!
Farnswoth: Hush, Bender. What's your game, Vitruvian Man? I withdraw the question, Vitruvian Man.
Farnsworth: Da Vinci's lost workshop!
Fry: At the risk of sounding stupid, do these things actually work?
Farnsworth: Of course not, stupid! I mean, that flying machine is as aerodynamic as a sofa. How could it possibly get off the ground?
Animatronio: In a way that shalt never discover..
Fry: Hi, Animatronio.
Animatronio: I feign death and stalk thee, that I might preserve the greatest of Leonardo's secrets!
Bender: All right, buddy, we want secrets! And they better be ancient!
Animatronio: Porco metallico! Never shall I reveal how these wonderous machines fit together!
Farnsworth: They fit together?
Animatronio: I said no such thing. And then I died!
Fry: You're right, Professor. This thing doesn't fly.
Farnsworth: Don't sit in there, you idiot! That's dangerous! Wha? No wonder this contraction isn't aerodynamic! It's not an aircraft, it's a spacecraft!
Animatronio: Basta! As I live, thou shan't discover the great secret!
Fry: Bye, Animatronio!
Farnsworth: My God! Why would Leonardo's machine's brought us here?
Fry: I don't know. Let's ask this guy.
Leonardo Da Vinci: I am Leonardo. Welcome to Planet Vinci.
Farnsworth: My God!
Fry: That's what I was gonna say!
Farnsworth: Leonardo! You're alive? Here?
Leonardo: You have learned my great secret. I was but a visitor to Earth. In truth, I am what you call a space alien.
Farnsworth: Oh!
Fry: It's an honor to meet you, Leonardo. And may I say you were great in Titanic. The Beach? Neh.
Farnsworth: That's Leonardo DiCaprio, you blockhead!
Fry: Looks like eating rocks wasn't as dumb as you said.
Fry: So what do people do for fun here?
Leonardo: Do you enjoy partying all night with plenty of ale and lusty women?
Fry: I sure do!
Leonardo: Not us. We spend our leisure time in the mathematics museum. Planet Vinci is basically a single colossal university.
Fry: How your football team?
Leonardo: Learned.
Farnsworth: Ooh! I'm going to check out that math lecture. All this knowledge is giving me a raging brainer!
Leonardo: Would you like to hear the lecture, too, Fry?
Fry: No. It would just go in one ear and out some other hole.
Leonardo: Come, sit down.
Fry: Now that I can do. I have a terrible secret to confess, Mr. DiCaprio. I'm not very smart.
Leonardo: I appreciate your candor.
Fry: I don't even know what language you're speaking.
Leonardo: I, too, have a confession. You see, here on Planet Vinci, I am the stupidest person.
Fry: What? Who possibly think you're stupid?
Biff: Duh, I'm Leonardo. I don't know the mass of the Higgs boson.
Woman: Duh, I have to draw in pencil, because I don't know how to use Rendering software.
Leonardo: Stupid Biff. Thinks he's so smart.
Fry: He looks stronger than you, too.
Leonardo: I went to Earth because I could no longer stand the ridicule. But being surrounded by even stupider people was equally infuriating.
Fry: I can see myself in your shiny button.
Leonardo: Inventing is what makes me happy. Or did, until I misplaced the plans for my masterpiece.
Fry: You mean these?
Leonardo: The Macchina Magnifica? Infinity joy! Fry, my friend, you have given my life a meaning again!
Farnsworth: That calculus lecture was harder than I expected. We had to answer every question in the form of an opera. I have a lot of homework for tomorrow, if I don't want to be Embarrassed!
Fry: Thank you. Thank you. And if you like that, you'll love our main event. Ladies and gentlemen, Leonardo DiCaprio! I mean da Vinci!
Leonardo: For centuries, you've all ridiculed me. Especially you, Biff.
Biff: Nice hat!
Leonardo: But, at long last, this invention will show you. It will show you all. Behold, my unstoppable doomsday machine!
Fry: And I helped! Wait. You told me it was an unstoppable ice cream machine.
Leonardo: Ice cream is just a by-product of the machine. It's primary purpose is to exterminate everyone who ever made me feel inferior!
Biff: Oh, I'm so scared!
Girl: Bring it on, dum-dum.
Leonardo: Oh yeah? Let's see how hard you are laughing when my doomsday machine chops off your face!
Farnsworth: Leonardo, stop! I want in on this!
Fry: Are you crazy, Professor?
Farnsworth: I hate these nerds. Just because I'm stupider than them, they think they're smarter than me. Kill them all, starting with the math teacher!
Farnsworth: I knew this final invention would be a humdinger!
Leonardo: Yes, we three idiots will finally have our revenge.
Fry: I don't think so! You two make me ashamed to call myself an idiot. There's always going to someone smarter than you, so the only way to be happy is to make the most of what you've got.
Leonardo: But you've got nothing.
Fry: Oh no? I've got one single nail and another nail to nail it in with. And I'm gonna stop this infernal ice cream machine once and for all!
Biff: Some doomsday machine! It barely killed anyone!
Leonardo: Oh, yeah? Well, take this!
Farnsworth: Oh, my.
Girl: Poor Leonardo da Vinci. He sure was stupid.
Farnsworth: Fry, I admire what you did today, and I'm deeply sorry for insulting your intellect. Your tiny, tiny intellect. Oops, there I go again, you dope. I mean, dummy.
Fry: It's okay. I may not be clever, but I have a good heart. That's what my mom used to say.
Farnsworth: She was a wise woman.
Fry: Also, that I'm not much to look at.
Farnsworth: A wise woman, indeed.


Farnsworth: I fear I may not survive this war reenactment. I can't believe we're only twelve feet from the parking lot.
Fry: This is every bit as fun as the real Civil War.
Leela: Not the Civil War private. We're reinacting the Sith-il War.
Fry: Sith? What the Hoth?
Bender: Enemy invaders! Up in yonder sky!
Darth Stroyer: I am Darth Stroyer.
Fry: Darth Stroyer? That's the stupidest name I've ever heard.
Leela: Let's hear the rest.
Darth Trocious: Darth Trocious.
Darth Sploder: Darth Sploder.
Darth Urderer: Darth Urderer.
Darth Ithead: Darth Ithead.
Leela: Company! Attack!
Hermes: Don't fire until you see the greens of their eyes! It saves on bullets.
Darth Stroyer: I shall rip out your heart and show it to you! It is done.
Scruffy: The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. Mhrm.
Darth Sploder: You're dead!
Farnsworth: No, I'm just very old.
Darth Sploder: Woah! That's good acting!
Fry: It's payback time, Sploder!
Darth Sploder: Tell my mother... to pick me up outside Quiznos.
Hermes: That's three dead. Uh-oh. Let's pick up the pace, people. At this point in the actual war, the death toll was ninety-eight million.
Bender: You humans and your fragile organs. One little stab to the goo and
Darth Trocious: You're dead, Earth man!
Bender: Oh, cruel fate, I'm dead. They're putting me in my Sunday suit and shoving me in a wooden box. Now they're loading me into cold, cold ground. Hello! Here come the worms!
Fry: If you were really dead, you wouldn't be laughing so hard.
Bender: Yeah, yeah. Death's a big deal to you flesh bags. But in case you didn't notice, I'm a robot.
Fry: So? What if something heavy fell on you, like a church? You could still die.
Bender: Nuh-uh! My wireless back-up unit saves a copy of me every day. So, if my body gets killed, big whoop, I just download into another body. I'm immortal, baby!
Amy: What? Then how come you always scream so much when you're in danger?
Bender: I never said I wasn't a drama queen.
Hermes: And the winner of the war is... let me just cross check my tabulation here. Factor in the corsages for the widows.
Bender: Hurry up, you number-crunching crumb-nuncher! Everybody but me is dying of old age!
Hermes: Okay. The winners, at a net cost of only $12 per life cut tragically short, our Sith Overlords.
Darth Sploder: Hot diggity! I mean... Supreme diggity.
Fry: It may have been a fake war, but my scuffed knee is all too real.
Farnsworth: I have pain in joints I had removed a century ago. Bender, bring me my soft chair with the wheels on it.
Bender: Your wheelchair?
Farnsworth: I don't need a wheelchair! The one with the wheels!
Bender: Poor flimsy humans. Don't you wish you were flawless like me? A towering inferno of physical perfection?
Leela: I hate to pop your blimp-like ego, but you're not perfect.
Bender: Am so!
Leela: Are not!
Bender: Is too!
Leela: Says who?
Bender: Says the only human whose opinion I even remotely respect. Inspector 5, the best inspector a kid could want. The day I was built, he looked me over, probably with tears of pride in his eyes, and proclaimed to all the world, by means of this scrap of paper, that I was perfect and infallible in every way!
Farnsworth: Hey, Mr. Perfect? You wet the chair.
Bender: Huh? Wasn't me. Must be some of that urine your all so proud of.
Fry: That's not urine, it's oil.
Bender: Impossible! I'm triple sealed to prevent any chance of ...
Zoidberg: You call that an ink defense? Goodbye, friends!
Bender: What could have caused the leak? Excessive heat, on the count that I'm so hot?
Farnsworth: Alas, no. Oh, Bender, I'm afraid it's a symptom of a fatal defect.
Bender: Yeah, fatal schmatal. If I die I can just download my backup copy into a new, equally fabulous, body.
Farnsworth: That's just it! You can't. You were built without a backup unit.
Bender: There's no backup copy of me?
Farnsworth: That's what I just said, you mortal coil.
Bender: So, if I die...
Farnsworth: You die. Or as you put it
Bender: Um, excuse me for a moment. No!
Bender: I can't believe it! I'm gonna die.
Fry: How much time does he have left, Professor?
Farnsworth: Between a minute and a billion years.
Fry: Well, at least you can plan accordingly.
Bender: Dying sucks butt! How do you living beings cope with mortality?
Leela: Violent outbursts.
Amy: General sluttiness.
Fry: Thanks to denial, I'm immortal.
Bender: Damn it, I'm supposed to be perfect. Inspector 5 gave me his blessing! How could he bring me into this world knowing I gonna die?
Zoidberg: So you wish you were never born, maybe?
Bender: Yes, anything less than immortality is a complete waste of time!
Zoidberg: Then suicide it is. Step into my office. I'll give you a nice Kervorking.
Bender: Not until I hunt down Inspector 5 and beat an explanation out of him!
Leela: I'm all for a good beating, but you'll never find him. Product inspectors are bureaucrats, faceless bean counters who blend into the woodwork.
Hermes: I beg to differ!
Bender: Stinking bureaucrats! I hate 'em.
Leela: Then again, you might be able to find Inspector 5 with the help of another seasoned bureaucrat.
Bender: Hermes, old pal!
Hermes: Old pal? 8.5 seconds ago, you said you hated me.
Bender: Time heals all wounds.
Hermes: You know what? I will help you, but only to prove I'm not just a paper-pushing file-jockey.
Amy: Will you be taking your portable filing cabinet?
Hermes: None of your beeswax!
Hermes: I'll only be away an hour, but I'm counting on you to do the all-critical filing in my absence. Shall we review alphabetical order. A, B, C, D...
Leela: Get out of my office!
Old Man: Yes. I'd like to request a death certificate.
Woman: Sorry. That's Building C.
Hermes: The Central Bureaucracy maintains records on all bureaucrats. We should be able to look up Inspector 5.
Man: Application for ingress approved. And the other potential entrant?
Hermes: Uh, he's my pencil sharpener.
Bender: You betcha!
Man: Proceed.
Hermes: I maintain a cubicle here for weekend getaways.
Bender: Wow! Until now, I thought giant cubes were exciting.
Bender: I did like the part where they screamed.
Hermes: This is mine. Right next to the center square.
Center Square Guy: Sorry, Hermes. I drank all your white-out.
Hermes: Once I log in, I can access Inspector 5's profile.
Bender: Damn it! It won't go on.
Hermes: That's because you're not me.
Bender: Hooray! It won't go on!
Hermes: The bureaucra-scan won't let anyone but the assigned bureaucrat log in.
Computer: Identity confirmed. Also, you have a rectangular mass in your colon.
Hermes: That's a calculator. I ate it to gain its power.
Bender: You locate Inspector 5 while I slip into my ass-kicking feet.
Hermes: Sweet File-not-found of Puget Sound! His record's been blanked!
Bender: Aw, man! How am I going to find some anonymous guy I don't know anything about?
Center Square Guy: I recommend the men's room of the TWA terminal.
Leela: Okay. Just filing alphabetically. A, B, C, D... Oh, this requires a little extra thought. I'm a natural.
Hermes: The information we need will be here, in the physical files.
Bender: Those bastards won't know what leafed through them. It's on!
Hermes: No! This is impossible! Quit blacking out and look at this. Inspectors 1, 2, 3, 4... 6. There's no trace of Inspector 5!
Bender: But 5's the one we want. Maybe if I kicked the asses of Inspector 2 plus Inspector 3...
Hermes: Addition never solve anything, man. Let's cut our losses and go home.
Bender: So I'm doomed to die? And I'll never even get to punch whoever's responsible? Oh, what's the point.
Hermes: Bender, no! Suicide isn't necessarily the answer!
Bender: It's not a suicide booth, you lard-ass. It's a phone booth.
Hermes: They have phones in booths now? Finally, I don't have to lug this cellphone around.
Mom: Who the hell is this? How did you get this number?
Bender: Is this the robot company? Cause I have a complaint about a defective robot. His name is me!
Mom: A defective robot, you say? Stay right there, dearie. I'll have tech support take care of you.
Bender: Well, things are starting to look up.
Hermes: Look up! Who did you call? Dial-a-bomb?
Bender: No, I just told the robot company I was defective.
Hermes: You dumb cocktail shaker! Mom won't allow a defective product to tarnish her good name! She'll kill you.
Bender: Big whoop. I'll just download into a new... Oh, right. If I die, I die. Speaking of which- You're right. You're right. You're right.
Mom: That's what you get for calling tech support.
Bender: I can't run anymore. I'll have to skip.
Hermes: Just a few more feet. We have to get to that pile of dead bears by 7 38.
Bender: A pile of dead bears can only mean one thing. But what?
Hermes: It's the 7 38! Jump!
Bender: Aw, shoot!
Killbot: Someone said "shoot!"
Bender: Well, we're boned!
Hermes: No, we're not! We just go to limbo!
Bender: But I'm not design to bend that low, not without limbo music. That'll do it. Ow! Ow! Ow!
Killbot 1: We're gonna get fired.
Killbot 2: Someone said "fire!"
Bender: We did it!
Hermes: Twelve straight hours of limbo. I haven't done that since my honeymoon.
Bender: Hermes! Hermes! Remember that flock of bats?
Hermes: I sure do.
Bender: That was fun.
Bender: Where are we?
Hermes: I have no idea.
Bender: Hey. We're just a stone's throw from Tijuana. See?
Mexican Man: ¡Dios mío! A rock has fallen here in the outskirts of Tijuana.
Bender: Is it within city limits?
Mexican Man: I think, yes.
Bender: Told you!
Hermes: Hey, you wanna celebrate our escape? Maybe grab a shot of tequila and take in a big-league cockfight?
Bender: Sure. No, wait. I was built in Tijuana. Maybe Inspector 5 still works there. He better do some splaining. Before I mash up some face guacamole.
Bender: He's Mexican, I'm Mexican. Let me handle this.
Mexican Border Patrolman: Sus papeles, por favor.
Bender: ¡Sí! Ouch-o!
Hermes: Here are our passports, visas, and Homeland Security permission slips, notarized and starched.
Mexican Border Patrolman: Okay. I also would ¡ave accepted a bribe.
Bender: Nice work, butterball. You know, I was in Italy last week.
Bender: My birthplace. It's closed! There's not even a shrine to me. With a gift shop, selling piñatas of me!
Hermes: End of the line, man! Come on, we can still catch a twi-night double cockfight.
Bender: No wait! What's that in the Mexican garbage?
Hermes: Looks like a half-eaten cheese diaper.
Bender: No, next to that. A half-eaten employee directory. Inspector 5's home address. His ass-ias is gracias!
Bender: Where are you hiding, you coward? Get out here and get murdered like a man!
Hermes: Bender, I'm afraid our search is at an end. He's obviously long gone.
Bender: Oh yeah? Well, maybe this is him in a costume. I'm gonna squeeze you out of there like Tijuana toothpaste.
Hermes: Okay, Bender, you're mortal. And okay, Inspector 5 screwed up. But that just makes the time you have left all the more precious. Do you really want to waste the rest of your life in a bitter, homicidal rage?
Bender: No! Yes! I don't know! Why? Why did he do this to me? All I wanted was a little quality control. But he didn't care enough. And now I gonna die. I deserve better! I'm Bender, damn it! I'm Bender!
Hermes: There, there, mon. It's gonna be okay. You are Bender, which is something Inspector 5 will never be.
Bender: You know what? You're right. He was just a stupid bureaucrat. A stupid paper-pushing bureaucrat. A stupid I-dotting, chair squashing, Oh. No offense, Hermes. You're not like that. I mean, you're exactly like that, but you're okay! In fact, I'm putting you on the do-no-kill list. Come on, fellow mortal. We're in Tijuana. I wanna live a little. Help, I'm gonna die! That's the opposite of what I want!
Hermes: Quick, run out the back! I'll hack into Inspector 5's terminal and fake your death, so they'll call off the Killbots.
Bender: You know that terminal's unhackable! I'm not leaving you, and that's final! Good luck, buddy!
Computer: Bender, terminated.
Hermes: Bender saved.
Killbot 2: Cease fire. Mom called off the attack, although I don't see how it's her-
Killbot 3: Someone said "howitzer!"
Bender: Yeah! All right! Yeah! He did it! And he's not even looking back at that cool explosion! He's a hero!
Amy: What's happening? The phone's been disconnected, the ship's been repossessed, and Zoidberg's getting overcooked!
Bender: Ah. This place never changes.
Hermes: Leela! What in the name of Jah happened?
Leela: Too much papers! Not enough hiding plants!
Hermes: It's alright. This place just needs a one-hour bureaucratizing.
Leela: You make it look so easy.
Hermes: I've smoked a lot of paperwork in my day.
Fry: Hey, Bender. Did you ever find that inspector guy you were looking for?
Bender: Nah, but thanks to this knucklehead, I did find a new outlook on life. It's precious and sacred, and you only get so many millions of years on this Earth. So let's get brick-faced!
Hermes:


Bender: Don't wake up Fry.
Bender: My roommate's sleeping.
Bender: Wake up already! I'm about to get down and funky with this ladybot. And I'd appreciate it if as many people as possible could know about it. Now can we get some privacy?
Bender: Ah yeah, backing on up.
Bender: Hambone! Hambone! Hambone. Okay, hambone break's over. Back to the bedroom.
Bender: Hambone! Hambone! Hambone.
Bender: Wake up and feel the coffee.
Fry: Oh no! I'm late for work again!
Fry: Sorry, I'm late.
Bender: Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up.
Farnsworth: I've had it with your tardiness, Fry. I expect you to arrive the same time as everyone else.
Fry: Well, wait a second. Leela's not here yet.
Amy: She left a while ago. She said some idiot were taking her to lunch for her birthday.
Fry: Oh no! I'm late.
Elzar: Since you got stood up, I thought this might cheer you up a notch.
Leela: That's not necessary.
Elzar: What day is today? It's Leela's birthday
Leela: Please stop.
Elzar: What a day for a birthday
Leela: I really would like you to stop singing.
Elzar: Let's all have some cake. You want to buy a slice of a birthday cake for 11.95?
Leela: Yes, please.
Fry: Ooh, nice cake. Sorry, I'm late.
Leela: Where have you-? Nah, it's fine.
Fry: You're not mad?
Leela: I was. But then I realised it's actually my fault for thinking you might be on time for once. Anyhow, I ate both our lunches. You ordered the Lobster Pilé. It wasn't cheap.
Elzar: Bam!
Fry: Please, let me make it up to you. I'll treat you to a fancy birthday dinner tonight at Cavern on the Green.
Leela: Wow. That'll be the nicest place I've ever been stood up.
Fry: Not this time. No matter what happens, I'll swear I be there.
Bender: Guys, guys! Hedonism bot is finally settling down and marrying a nice house in the suburb. But tonight, he's having the girls gone wildest bachelor party of all time.
Fry: Woohoohoohoo... ... cares? I'm having dinner with Leela.
Leela: Just go to your stupid party. We can have dinner on my birthday some other year.
Fry: No. I can throw up on a stripper anytime. Tonight, I wanna not throw up. On you.
Leela: Really?
Bender: Your loss. Hey, Professor, you're my wingman.
Farnsworth: Very well. Eh, Cubert, fetch my drinking teeth.
Fry: I just have to sign Leela's birthday card. How do you spell XO?
Amy: Guh. It's a record-your-own-message card. You don't sign it. You leave a nude video greeting.
Fry: Does it have to be nude?
Amy: I guess not. That never occurred to me.
Fry: If I leave now, record a birthday greeting on the way, score some fancy cologne at the newsstand, I'll be exactly on time!
Farnsworth: You're not going anywhere.
Fry: But I have a date.
Farnsworth: You were late this morning. So you'll have to stay and test my latest invention. Behold! A time travelling machine!
Bender: Time? I can't go back there.
Farnsworth: Ah, but this time machine only goes forward in time. That way you can't accidentally change history. Or do something disgusting like sleep with your own grandmother.
Fry: I wouldn't wanna do that again.
Farnsworth: We're going to test it by going forward in time one minute. Get in.
Fry: Okay, hurry. Let's get it over with. I can record Leela's birthday card while we're in there.
Fry: Happy birthday, Leela. I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, 'cause we're testing the professor's dumb time machine.
Farnsworth: Okay. I'll just nudge us forward exactly one minute into the-
Fry: My card!
Fry: Did we go too far? What time is it?
Bender: The year ten thousand!
Farnsworth: Whoopsie.
Farnsworth: Oh dear. I mean, oh my.
Fry: The year ten thousand? But I promised Leela I'll be on time for dinner.
Farnsworth: Relax, Fry. Everyone we ever knew died thousands of years ago.
Bender: Everyone we ever knew? Nah, I never liked those guys.
Fry: No! They did it! They blew it up! And then the apes blew up their society too. How could this happen? And then the birds took over and ruined their society. And then the cows. And then... ... I don't know, is that a slug, maybe? Noooo!
Waiter: While you await your friend. Allow me to read from a prepared history of our cavern. These unique rock formations were created over millions of years by mineral rich water dripping from pores in the ceiling. Dripping and dripping. year on year, century after century.
Elzar: What day is today? Hey, aren't you the loser who got stood up on my other restaurant?
Leela: Just shut up and bring me two dinners.
Leela: Has anyone seen Fry's ass? It's late for a date with my boot.
Cubert: Fry's not here. Obviously he went to that pervert party with Bender and the professor.
Leela: Fry went to the party?
Linda: We interrupt Hypnotoad on Ice to bring you breaking coverage ... ... of the disaster at Hedonism bot's bachelor party.
Morbo: Linda, what began as innocent fun ended in tragedy tonight when a nuclear powered robot stripper suffered a catastrophic reactor meltdown. There is only one survivor.
Hedonism Bot: Everywhere I looked there were piles of bodies. And then the explosion struck.
Zoidberg: The three coworkers I liked... all dead!
Leela: Fry stood me up and died? I'm so angry. I mean, I'm so sad. But I'm still pretty angry. But also sad. Can I be both?
Hermes: It's what he'd want.
Leela: Then that's what I am! Hi-yah!
Bender: Man, the future is a total craphole. Whoever lives here is a crapface sack of crap. No offence, fellows.
Native #1: Don't sweat it, man.
Fry: I'll never see Leela again.
Farnsworth: No, without a backwards time machine we're stuck in this craphole.
Native #1: Dude, give it a rest.
Farnsworth: Hold on! I got it. We can't go back in time, but we can keep going forward until people invent the backwards time machine.
Fry: And then we can go home.
Bender: Hit it.
Song: In the year one-o-five, one-o-five If man is still alive If robot can survive They may find The backwards time machine still won't have arrived In all the world, there's only one technology A rusty sword for practicing proctology A slumpy merman is gonna try to get chummy He may look like a watery wimp When in fact he's a blood thirsty schrimp Human kind is enslaved by giraffe Men must pay for all his misdeeds When the tree tops are stripped off their leaves Woah-wow
Old Hermes: Sometimes I can't believe how successful Planet Express became once the professor was killed and you seized control.
Old Leela: There were tough times. But we all pulled together.
Old Zoidberg: I've been crunching the numbers on our transgalactic strategy-
Old Leela: What are you doing here? I laid you off twenty years ago.
Old Zoidberg: Oh, the claws can't flee like they used to.
Old Leela: Success is nice, but I do kinda miss the old days.
Old Cubert: Hey, Leels.
Old Leela: Hi, Cubert.
Male Inhabitant: May we help you, strange ones?
Bender: We are travellers from the past, my good runt.
Female Inhabitant: I see, since your time, human evolution has diverged.
Male Inhabitant: There are we; advanced in intellect and morality.
Female Inhabitant: And the Dumblocks; stupid vicious brutes, who live underground.
Farnsworth: Advanced in intellect, you say? Have you invented a backwards time machine?
Female Inhabitant: No, but if we apply our superior minds, we can perfect such a device within five years.
Farnsworth: See you then!
Bender: We're back for our time machine.
Farnsworth: Yuhoo, boys! What's this era in human history like?
Soldier #1: The... the machines, we built them to make our lives easier, but they rebelled. They won't stop until every human is dead.
Bender: This seems like a nice future. Let's just stay here. We can settle down on that mountain of skulls.
Bender: Hey! That place had a gorgeous view of Blood Lake.
Lady #1: Greetings, time travellers.
Bender: Stupid jerks wouldn't let me stay in the good future.
Fry: How do you know we're time travellers?
Lady #2: We too studied the time travel enigma.
Lady #3: We have perfected a method using negative mass neutrino fields that allow us to travel backwards in time.
Farnsworth: My name's Hubert.
Fry: All right! We can go home!
Bender: Nah-nah! We can go...
Lady #1: We can talk about our research tomorrow. Men are very rare in our society. Even very old and stupid males are priced. Tonight, please be the guests of honour at our fertility banquet.
Farnsworth: Well, there is certainly no harm in a fertility banquet.
Fry: I can eat. And fertilise.
Lady #1: Very well, let us anoint our guests in oil without using our hands.
Bender: Oh, so we can stay in the future you like? But not the future I like? Next!
Farnsworth: No! I was about to close the deal.
Fry: Bender, they had a backwards time machine.
Bender: The other place had a lot of good things too. Did you even see that mountain of skulls?
Farnsworth: Why you!
Bender: Oh no, you didn't.
Fry: Stop. Somewhere, some time, Leela's waiting for me. We need to keep looking for a backwards time machine.
Farnsworth: Fry is right.
Bender: Yes, we have to work together. Not have this fight which I was definitely winning.
Farnsworth: The year one billion.
Farnsworth: I got a feeling this could be exactly the point in time we've been looking for. Nope. In fact, all life is extinct.
Fry: So let's keeping going forward.
Farnsworth: Oh, it's no use. Earth is dead. This is the end of all things.
Fry: The Cavern on the Green.
Fry: I made it, Leela. Sorry, I'm a billion years late.
Old Leela: You'll get your alimony cheque, Cubert. Now get lost.
Old Cubert: Chill out, I'm just here to see Amy.
Old Amy: Move it, boy-toy. Granny's taking you to Atlantic City.
Old Hermes: I don't know why you ever married that pig-nose punk.
Old Leela: I don't know either. I'm married to the job now. I used to think there was someone for me, but- Aw! How odd, it's one of those old record-your-own-message birthday cards.
Fry: Happy birthday, Leela. I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, because we are testing the professor's dumb time machine. But you know, happy birthday and all and... ... I love you. My card!
Old Leela: My whole life I've been mad at him. And it wasn't his fault.
Leela: Dear Fry, our time together was short, but it was the best time of my life.
Fry: You know, all in all, I had a good life. What you say the three of us grab a six pack and watch the universe end?
Farnsworth: Hear, hear!
Bender: That's basically what I do every day.
Fry: To the end of the universe.
Fry: So long, Earth. Thanks for the air and whatnot.
Fry: Hey, uh, what was the purpose of life anyway?
Farnsworth: Who knows? Probably some hogwash about the human spirit.
Bender: Mm-hm.
Fry: Sounds about right.
Farnsworth: The stars are receding. Oh, the vast emptiness.
Bender: Yeah, yeah, I can take a hint.
Farnsworth: Ah, the last proton should be decaying about now.
Fry: Bye, last proton.
Farnsworth: And... ... here we are; the end of the universe.
Fry: Well, now what? You guys wanna talk?
Bender: No thanks.
Fry: Did anyone else see that?
Farnsworth: Unbelievable. It's a second big bang. My God, is it possible?
Fry: It must be possible. It's happening. By the way, what's happening?
Farnsworth: It appears, this universe is exactly identical to the old one. If so, we just need to keep going forward in time to the point when we left. The Earth is born! Ladies and gentlemen, the moon.
Fry: Look. The first fish to crawl up on land.
Bender: It was coming right at us.
Bender: You saw it.
Fry: I'm gonna grab another beer.
Bender: Fry, Fry, you're missing the dinosaurs.
Fry: It's okay. They're not going anywhere. Where'd they go?
Bender: Now what's going on there?
Fry: History.
Farnsworth: Hang on, I just want to make one stop.
Hitler: Betrachten Sie meinen Schnurrbart.
Farnsworth: Easy. Easy. Taking her in for a landing.
Farnsworth: One year to go. Six months.
Fry: I'm almost there, Leela.
Farnsworth: One month. Two weeks. One hour. Thirty seconds and here we-
Fry: Stop!
Bender: Give me the keys, Magoo.
Farnsworth: We'll have to bring her around again.
Farnsworth: Just slow it down, I'll shoot Hitler out the window. Darn! I hit Eleanor Roosevelt by mistake. Okay. Nearing our era again. Here we go. Careful this time. Careful.
New Farnsworth: We're going to test it by going forward in time one minute. Get in.
New Fry: Okay, hurry, let's get it over with.
New Farnsworth: But, err, wha-?
Farnsworth: Oh uh.
Farnsworth: This new universe is about ten feet lower than our old one.
Farnsworth: Pow. We took care of the time travel paradox.
Fry: All right!
Bender: Yabba dabba doo.
Fry: Oh uh, I'm late for dinner with Leela.
Waiter: Welcome to Cavern on the Green. May I offer you some meatloaf while you wait?
Fry: Sorry, I'm late.
Leela: Actually, you're on time.
Fry: Really?
Leela: I have to admit, I was afraid you wouldn't make it.
Fry: That was the old Fry. He's dead now.
Fry: Happy birthday, Leela. I got you a card, but I guess I kinda lost it.
Leela: That's okay. I don't really like cards. What I'll remember is our time together.


Leela: Aw! Nibbler made a bobo for Mamma. I'll pick it up with my super-dupey poopy scoopy.
Amy: Core magnetic field, 31 microteslas.
Prof. Farnsworth: Nice.
Amy: Temperature? Woah! The magma P.I. is 10,000 degrees Selleck! Leela, I am collecting data. Can't you dump that somewhere else?
Leela: Not really. It's highly volatile Dark Matter, and some corn.
Amy: But I'm presenting my thesis tomorrow and I've barely had time to prepare.
Farnsworth: Nonsense. You've been my grad student for twelve years. You were ready six years ago.
Amy: What?
Farnsworth: I probably should have told you. Anyway, the important thing is to be relaxed tomorrow.
Amy: Are you sure?
Farnsworth: Yes. Do what you young people do to unwind. Take a joyride in your jalopy. Wear a T-shirt and eat a fish stick. Go!
Kif: Okay, amigos, one teensy drink to help Amy relax.
Amy: Hmmm. I guess I'm still kinda nervous.
Leela: One more teensy drink to help Amy relax.
Fry: Still a little nervous?
Bender: She's a nervous wreck!
Leela: Well, I may not have a man, but at least I've got you, poopsie-doodle.
Nibbler: Leela, it's time you and I had a talk.
Leela: A talk? You can't break up with me. You're my pet!
Nibbler: As much as I enjoy being the object of your misplaced affections, I am also a highly sophisticated being who longs for intelligent conversation.
Leela: Aw, is shnookums not feeling schtimuwated?
Nibbler: An understatement, to say the least. It's time you treated me with respect.
Leela: If you want to be treated like a fellow crew member, fine, but no more purse rides, and no more dressing you up in your cute little sailor suit.
Nibbler: I keep telling you, that's my real naval uniform.
Kif: Your place or mine?
Amy: Both, but first, this place.
Hedonism Bot: Ooh! Room for one more?
Amy: I thought I set you for 7 15!
Alarm Clock: Sorry, I hooked up with Bender last night. Dude was all over my snooze button.
Amy: But my doctoral exam is in ten minutes! On Mars! Eww! Kif, did you yack on the floor?
Kif: Yes, I did.
Morris Katz: Where's your candidate, Farnsworth? I have a long list of students to humiliate today. You're late, Miss Wong.
Amy: Oh, God, this is like one of those nightmares.
Farnsworth: Here, take my lab coat.
Katz: Allow me to introduce your examining committee in descending order of grumpiness. Professor Ogden Wernstrom.
Farsnworth: Wernstrom!
Katz: Downtown Professor of Applied Physics, Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate.
Tate: I see by your curriculum vitæ that you're a Sagittarius.
Katz: And Professor Fisherprice Shpeekenshpell.
Shpeekenshpell: The cow says... Moo.
Farnsworth: He proved that 50 years ago, and he's been coasting on it ever since.
Katz: I am the esteemed Professor Morris Katz, and you are wasting my time. Proceed.
Amy: Imagine, if you will...
Katz: Oh, God!
Amy: A gigantic spherical generator, one that could provide unlimited energy, because it's essentially in Perpetual Motion.
Wermstrom: Young lady, have you been drinking?
Amy: Well, yes, but that's not revelant. I'm talking about Earth. Earth's the generator. Suppose this basketball is the whole world.
Tate: To many young men in the inner city, it is.
Amy: As it spins, it's producing an enormous magnetic field. If we could use that field to generate electric current, we could actually harness the Earth's rotational ener... Ener...
Farnsworth: Yes, tapping the Earth's ener-kerchoo. Go on.
Amy: Sorry, I'm super-allergic to cats. Professor Katz, would you mind.
Katz: Miss Wong, I mind everything.
Amy: You just need to polarize the Earth's core with a huge static charge, by ratcheting Superconducting wire down into... Sorry.
Katz: Enough. The committee members will now vote yea or nay. Nay.
Wernstrom: Nay.
Tate: Hell nay.
Shpeekenshpell: The horse says, doctorate denied.
Fry: It's okay, Amy. I don't have a fancy degree either, but today I'm a prominent boy in the package delivery field.
Nibbler: Now that I'm a full and equal member of the crew, I pledge my loyalty, my perspicacity, and, dare I say it, my friendship.
Hermes: Leela, muzzle that skunk! We can't stop a meeting for some cute, fuzzy, little... Hey, look, a kitty cat.
Amy: You again? Get away you mangy ball of Histamines.
Hermes: You leave kitty cat alone!
Farnsworth: People, please, I'm trying to run a business, so I get to hold kitty.
Fry: Over here. I wanna hold him.
Bender: Aw! Its anus looks like an asterisk.
Leela: Captain Fuzzytoes reporting for duty. I mean, cutie.
Nibbler: My best friend died in that uniform. I hate that cat!
Amy: If I had a spray bottle, I'd give him such a spritzing.
Nibbler: I'll tell you one thing. Nothing acts that cute without some ulterior motive.
Amy: Aw! You want your diapey changed?
Nibbler: We'll have to watch its every move. Powder, please.
Amy: Here's my new theory. That is one adorable cat.
Nibbler: I guess I was just jealous. I do miss being Leela's schnookums. I'm going to apologize and hope for a pity pet.
Leela: Yes, my lord. Amy and Nibbler are a tewwible thweat. They must be spayed and neutered, wespectivewy.
Amy: The cat is evil! We have proof!
Nibbler: It was summoning a saucer!
Farnsworth: Of course it wanted a saucer, you idiot. A saucer of dewicious cweam.
Nibbler: You fool, this isn't about the cream.
Bender: It's pwonounced "cweam".
Zoidberg: I'm petting mine down to the bone.
Fry: Just stwoke its fwffy fur.
Hermes: Scwatch its fwubby chin.
Bender: Fweeble its fwooby pwow.
Amy: No, no!
Nibbler: What do cats need with that much yarn and cobalt?
Amy: They're doing something downstairs. We've got to find out what.
Bender: Where do you think you're going, no-cat?
Amy: Uh, the basement. I think I left the air hockey table on.
Bender: Without a cat, you ain't going nowhere.
Nibbler: Can you at least tell us what's going on down there?
Farnsworth: We're certainly not building something sinister, if that's what your implying. Now, come on, Bender. Something sinister won't build itself.
Amy: Professor Katz's last name is Katz. Do you think he has something to do with these cats?
Nibbler: The conclusion is an inescapable as it is moronic. I say we pay him a visit, and if he won't talk to us, he'll talk to Smith & Wesson, or, perhaps, Consolidated Head Melter.
Amy: Professor Katz, we want answers!
Nibbler: I warn you, if I have to get cute, it's gonna get ugly.
Amy: He's dead!
Nibbler: Wait. What are these strings on his lap? What the... He isn't dead. He's one of those dog-operated puppets that's been adapted for use by a cat!
Amy: So I had my doctorate denied by that fuzzball? Bad kitty!
Amy: They actually built the planetary ratchet from my thesis! Uh-oh.
Nibbler: What the...
Thubanian Leader: Well, look what the me dragged in.
Nibbler: You can talk!
Thubanian Leader: You can talk?
Nibbler: How ironic. Two hyper-intelligent beings both pretending to be simple house pets!
Thubanian Leader: Say, do you know Obliteron? He pretends to be a hamster, but...
Amy: Yeah, that's really great. Could you please tell us what's going on?
Thubanian Leader: What? Oh, right! You see, my associates and I are from the ninth planet of the star you call Thuban. Long ago, life there was ideal. Our sun provided plenty of warm, dozy light. The chicken-salmon roamed free. Yet disaster loomed. Our planet's rotation was gradually slowing. At first, it seemed beneficial. Long, dark nights for sleeping, long, sunny days for sleeping. But then it got too hot and too cold. Our top scientists went to work, At last, they located a planet with the necessary orientation and magnetic field to harness the rotational energy.
Nibbler: Earth!
Thubanian Leader: Indubitably. Although we call it Blue Blue Shiny Ball. In the area now known as Egypt, my people constructed a giant, semi-octahedral antenna to beam Earth's rotational energy to Thuban.
Amy: The Great Pyramid at Giza!
Thubanian Leader: Yes. The Egyptians viewed us as gods, but ironically that was our downfall. They pampered us with feasts most fancy and vittles most tender. We grew fat and domesticated. Thousands of years passed, and our home world was nearing total destruction. But the technology to save our planet was lost. Lost, that is, until I heard you speak at Mars University.
Amy: So you called my thesis a fat sack of barf, and then you stole it?
Thubanian Leader: Welcome to Academia.
Nibbler: He intends to siphon off Earth's rotational energy!
Amy: Earth will come to a stop, and...
Thubanian Leader: Half of you will cook, and half of you will freeze. Earth will be one big McDLT. We just got that commercial last year.
Amy: Oh, yeah, smarty paws? You may have built the ratchet but you can't reach the core without 4,000 miles of superconducting wire. The ball of yarn!
Thubanian Leader: Quite.
Nibbler: Even so, you'd still need a tremendously powerful static charge to trigger the process.
Thubanian Leader: Ever had a cat rub up against you?
Nibbler: If you're propositioning me, I'm not interested.
Thubanian Leader: I'm talking about the charge generated when 50,000 felines rub against a single surface. Professor?
Thubanian Leader: Soon the world will come to a stop, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. The stopping of the world, that is. It's unstoppable. Excuse me.
Thubanian Leader: The Earth is coming to a stop. Keep your eyes on the kitties and push!
Nibbler: These space cats seem to be employing some form of hypnotic hyper-cuteness. Well, two can play that game. And one of them is me.
Leela: Nibbler? Poopsie-doodle?
Thubanian Leader: Mr. Winkles, Smudge-Smudge. Quick, dance with each other.
Nibbler: Aw! Damn, they are good.
Thubanian Leader: We're coming to a full stop. All cats, to your posts!
Calculon: Catastrophe Beach Party. Scene One. Cue disaster effects, and action!
Calculon: Cut! That extra looked at the camera. We'll have to do it again.
Thubanian Leader: And now to transfer your planet's rotational energy to my home world.
Thubanian: Well, now, this calls for a celebration.
Hermes: What's all this cat hair on my sweater?
Bender: And why am I full of sand? And Tootsie Rolls?
Nibbler: You were all under the spell of those obnoxious space cats.
Thubanian Leader: Enjoy being broiled alive by the Sun and also the dead bird we've left in your slipper.
Farnsworth: Quickly! If we turn the ratchet the other way, perhaps we can restart the Earth.
Hermes: It won't turn. Push harder, Bender!
Bender: I can't. You should have called my cousin, Turner.
Amy: It's hopeless. Even in theory the device can only apply force in one direction.
Fry: Can someone open a window? It's getting a little warm in here.
Bender: Is that better?
Amy: Shmezzus, it's hot! Why'd I have to invent that awful device?
Farnsworth: Amy, technology isn't intrinsically good or evil. It's how it's used. Like the death ray.
Amy: Maybe you're right. I guess that science has to keep pushing forward with the hope that... That's it! Pushing forward! Professor, I know how to restart the Earth.
Farnsworth: You can't suddenly know something just by assembling a committee of words. That's it. I'll assemble your committee!
Amy: The ratchet won't turn backwards, but what if we kept pushing it forward? Earth would start turning again.
Wernstrom: Yes, the wrong direction!
Amy: So?
Tate: Gentlemen, ladies, let's get this globe trotting.
Amy: It's working! Just a little faster!
Zoidberg: But we're plotzing here!
Amy: Then look at Nibbler!
Thubanian Leader: On the whole, Earth's society is worthless. But they do these things called antique rugs that are great for peeing on.
Farnsworth: And though the world is now spinning in the wrong direction, it's good enough. Well done, Amy.
Wernstrom: I'm honored to begrudgingly present you with your Ph.D. in applied physics.
Tate: Also, some kind of sportsmanship award I had in my glove compartment.
Amy: Yay! I'm finally done with school. How's the job market?
Shpeekenshpell: Ruff!
Farnsworth: Congratulations, Dr. Wong!
Kif: Congratulations.
Nibbler: Permission to come aboard?
Leela: Granted, schnookums.
Farnsworth: You've got a bright future, Amy. As sure as the Sun sets in the east.


Hermes: Item one... Duck!
Prof. Farnsworth: Cubert, you crapscallion! What aren't you in school?
Cubert: I couldn't get past the protesters. A bunch of smiling, angry people were handing out these anti-evolution flyers.
Farnsworth: Evolution is under attack in our schools? To the science mobile.
Leela: You mean the ship?
Farnsworth: Yes. The science mobile!
Leela: It's just that you've never called it that before, but okay.
Woman: I don't understand evolution, and I have to protect my kids from understanding it! We will not give in to the thinkers!
Farnsworth: You people are as loud as you are ignorant. Now, get back on your turnip trucks and go home!
Hydroponic Farmer: That is an insultingly accurate stereotype, sir!
Farnsworth: As a professor of science, I assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey-men.
Dr. Banjo: I cannot speak for you, sir, but my ancestors were not monkeys. They were orangutans. Hard-working, patriotic orangutans.
Farnsworth: Dr. Banjo?
Dr. Banjo: In the fur. And I remind you that evolution is merely a theory. Like gravity, or the shape of the Earth.
Flying Spaghetti Monster: Hey, Professor, I'm a Flying Spaghetti Monster. You seriously believe I've descended from some kind of flightless manicotti?
Farnsworth: Yes!
Banjo: Oh, please. A far more logical explanation is the undisprovable science of Creatureism. All life was created in its present form seven thousand years ago, by a fantastical creature from outer space!
Farnsworth: Bunk!
Banjo: Oh! If you elitist, East Coast evolution is real, why has no one found the missing link between modern humans and ancient apes?
Farnsworth: We did find it! It's called Homo erectus!
Banjo: Then you have proven my case, sir, for no one has found a link between apes and this Homo erectus.
Farnsworth: Yes, they have! It's called Homo habilis!
Banjo: Ah-ha! But no one has found the missing link between ape and this so called Homo habilis.
Farnsworth: Yes, they have! It's called Australopithecus africanus!
Banjo: Oh-ho! I've got you now! Fair enough, but where, then, is the missing link between apes and this Darwinius masillae? Answer me that, Professor!
Farnsworth: Okay, granted, that one missing link is still missing, but just because we haven't found it doesn't mean it doesn't exist!
Banjo: Things don't exist simply because you believe in them. Thus sayeth the Almighty Creature in the Sky!
Farnsworth: I'll show that banana-swilling, poop-slinger! We just need to find that last missing link.
Leela: I found a missing link. It seems to be half-man, half-toucan.
Farnsworth: Not what we're looking for. Throw it in the soup!
Hermes: And here's something. Uh-oh. It's another one of Fry's dogs.
Fry: Did you find something, Hermes?
Hermes: No.
Amy: I hate chiseling right after a manicure. Oh! Darn it! I broke off one of my fingers!
Zoidberg: Look, Cubert. The neck on this one. I bet he spent a fortune on ties! What, too soon?
Cubert: I highly doubt a Jurassic Elaphrosaurus has access to neckwear.
Zoidberg: I knew I should have gone with the ring-around-the-collar joke.
Bender: Hey, look! I found a robot fossil!
Farnsworth: That's a bedspring, you dumb bedspring! There are no robot fossils!
Bender: What? Who says I didn't evolve?
Farnsworth: Everybody! Robots were created quite recently. It was in all the papers.
Bender: Then explain this!
Farnsworth: I've hit a rich vein of missing links. Java Man, Piltdown Man, Manfred Mann. Eureka! It's the elusive missing missing link! This will show Banjo, once and for all!
Fry: What the...
Amy: Oh, that's mine.
Bender: Hmm, my tux doesn't fit. Probably because I've grown so much since I last wore it, or evolved, one might say.
Farnsworth: One might not say that! Your tux doesn't fit because you stole it from a boy!
Bender: You mean a man! It was his Bar Mitzvah.
Ben Beeler: Welcome, museum members. Or, as I like to call you, future exhibits.
Zoidberg: He's good.
Beeler: Tonight, we have a new resident here in the hall of Hominids, generously donated by its discoverer, Hubert Farnsworth. Ladies and gentlemen, Homo farnsworth.
Farnsworth: Once again, science saves the day. The end.
Beeler: And now, to discuss the scientific implications of this discovery, our new museum curator, Dr. Banjo!
Banjo: Thank you Professor Farnsworth, for your generous gift, which has, once and for all dis-proven evolution. Behold! Homo farnsworth frolicking with dinosaurs at the moment of creation.
Farnsworth: I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
Farnsworth: Faster! Faster! Just drop me off at that asteroid over there.
Leela: Wow, this planetoid is completely lifeless.
Farnsworth: Not lifeless enough! Set up my shack so that I can kick you out of it!
Fry: Professor, is this your only water source? It looks like Diet Dr. Pepper.
Farnsworth: It's not that bad. It's just laden with toxic minerals. But not for long.
Fry: What's in the tube?
Farnsworth: Microscopic Nanobots. They're tiny robots I designed to eat up nasty irritants.
Fry: Speaking of nasty irritants, what's going to become of Cubert?
Farnsworth: Who? Oh, my son. Don't worry, he's been safely abandoned with his godfather.
Zoidberg: Cubert, I felt we needed some father-son bonding time, so I found a couple of baseball gloves and boiled them up for lunch.
Cubert: Why don't you just go to Hell!
Zoidberg: Wait! We still have to discuss the facts of life. What are they?
Hermes: Okay, I finished moving the last grand piano. Now can we have our pizza?
Farnsworth: You'll get your damned pizza, you parasite! First, let see if my Nanobots have purified the water yet. Ah, the water's as sterile as my milkman-trusting father. But what's this? The Nanobots have gotten more complex.
Bender: What's that you say? Those robots have evolved all by themselves, you say?
Farnsworth: It wasn't by themselves! I put them there. I'm a genius. Get over it!
Amy: Hey look, now they gotten bigger.
Farnsworth: Good heavens! Trilobots!
Leela: Oh, no! My sunglasses were in there!
Hermes: Let's get the pizza out of here.
Amy: Look, there's a cave-like hole in that mountain. It might be a cave.
Leela: Does anyone have a lighter?
Bender: Hang on.
Leela: Okay, we've got shelter and just enough precious food to ward off starvation.
Hermes: It's pizza time.
Amy: Pineapple?
Hermes: So much for that.
Zoidberg: Hello, I remembered you like superheroes so I painted you a mural on your wall. This is Father-Man. He fights crime to earn Son-Boy's respect. Is it working?
Cubert: This is sucky! You suck! Who taught you to do three-point perspective? I could make a better mural with my butt!
Zoidberg: Father-Man away.
Hermes: Nothing like a cave for a good night's sleep. So what do we have to eat that's not poisoned with pineapple?
Farnsworth: I packed plenty of food, but it's all in dehydrated pill form.
Leela: Then we need water from that pond. We'll have to fight our way past the Trilobots. Go! Go! Hit anything that moves!
Fry: Whoa.
Bender: Wow.
Amy: A whole forest grew overnight.
Farnsworth: All these trees are robotic. I can't believe how quickly they sprung up.
Bender: I can. Robots do everything faster. Including evolving and believing how quickly things spring up.
Leela: One thing about Bristol-Myers Squibb, they know how to cook a steak.
Fry: Look at me, I'm the Ty-D-Bol man. I own a yacht an everyone poops on me. Help! Police!
Leela: Everybody grab a club.
Fry: Oh, big, tough water guy, why don't you come up here on land and...
Amy: Look out for the next thing!
Farnsworth: Great Scott, a Tricycle-tops!
Fry: Woo-hoo! Throw down dinosaurs of the land and sea. This is a cool way to die!
Cubert: Dr. Zoidberg? I'm sorry for treating you like a total Zoidberg... I mean, loser.
Zoidberg: Go on.
Cubert: It's just that I get bullied a lot. I guess I kinda make fun of people as a defense mechanism.
Brett Blob: Hey, Cubert, is that your family mansion?
Cubert: Why don't you ask your mom? She's coming over for a sex visit.
Zoidberg: Don't worry, I know just how to handle bullies. Just pretend like you're pathetic. Help, I'm scared. I wet myself. I'm crying like a baby and I'm soaking in pee, but what else is new?
Brett: The pee-babies peed themselves. I'm off to pottery class, dorkwads.
Zoidberg: And that's that.
Cubert: Woah! You're like some kind of dumpster Jedi.
Zoidberg: So, you wanna come in maybe? I've got a nice pound cake with a footprint on it.
Fry: Ah! Don't eat my butt!
Leela: If this is anything like killing that pigeon on my balcony, we've got our work cut out for us.
Farnsworth: Look out, a solar flare!
Amy: What the shmell happened?
Farnsworth: A mass extinction. That solar flare created a huge electromagnetic pulse that while harmless to organic life, short-circuited the robo-dinosaurs.
Leela: Convenient.
Farnsworth: Only puny, mammal-like robots cowering in caves could survive such a catastrophe.
Bender: Guys, guys! I taught myself to knit.
Farnsworth: Wait a moment. If we could scavenge the right parts from these robo-dinos, I might be able to construct a rudimentary spaceship to get us off this planet!
Farnsworth: Oh, well, it took almost two hours, but it's finished. Now let's go... to sleep. It's solar powered, so we can't take off until sunrise.
Bender: Well, let's find something comfy to bed down on.
Fry: Hey, looky here.
Hermes: Sweet robot swan of Botswana!
Bender: Looks like the fittest did a little surviving last night, huh?
Farnsworth: Whatever.
Fry: Hey, looky there.
Hermes: Those robo-cavemen have kidnapped our human regular-women!
Fry: We gotta save them! But the only weapon we have is my fan dance.
Farnsworth: Hmm, I believe I can fashion a slingshot using this robot wishbone and this elastic from my pants.
Amy: I think they want wives, so just play along. If it doesn't work out, we'll still get half their rocks.
Leela: I can earn my own rocks! Also, I don't want any rocks!
Farnsworth: Well, it took almost twelve hours, but it's finished.
Hermes: It's too dark now, but first thing tomorrow we'll slingshot them like they've never been slangshat.
Fry: What's going on? How did we save you?
Amy: It was the weirdest thing. We went to sleep, and when we woke up, our cave husbands were gone.
Leela: I'm gonna miss Spencer.
Dr. Widnar: Don't be afraid, little guys. I'm not gonna hurt you.
Fry: Nice net.
Widnar: You... you can speak?
Hermes: Dread my locks! A fully-evolved robot human.
Widnar: I'm Dr. Widnar, a naturalist.
Bender: And I'm Bender, baby. My human slaves and I come from a planet where organic life and robotic life evolved side by side.
Farnsworth: Oh, shut up!
Widnar: Amazing. I've theorized that carbon-based, fat-filled life could exist, but until today, I never had any proof.
Leela: Good for you. Can we go home now?
Widnar: Welcome, museum members, or, as I like to call you, future exhibits. I now present my latest discovery, the amazing non-mechanical man, Homo farnsworth.
Farnsworth: Thank you. I must say, I'm so proud to see what you've blossomed into since I first created your ancestors.
Widnar: What?
Farnsworth: I thought you knew. You all evolved from some filth-gobbling Nanobots I designed. I dumped them in one of your ponds a few days ago.
Widnar: But this is Creationist talk!
Robot Farnsworth: He speaks lies! The Earth was created in eons not days.
Farnsworth: Yes, relative to you, it was eons, but, well, look at this hologram I took the day before yesterday of a robot frolicking with a robo-dinosaur.
Widnar: I don't want to live on this planet anymore!
Robo-Police: You're under arrest for crimes against science.
Farnsworth: No! Could you drag me by the restroom?
Robot: Go back to Roboklahoma!
Superior Gort Judge: Order! In the matter of Everyone v. Farnsworth, the alleged creationist faces a sentence of death by melting. Who is representing the accused?
Leela: I am...
Bender: I am, your Honor.
Farnsworth: Bender, what the Hell are you doing?
Bender: Shut up, I'm billing you by the hour! Besides, I'm a robot, they'll listen to me. Ladytrons and gentlebots...
Superior Gort Prosecutor: Objection. In the absence of pants, defense's suspenders serve no purpose.
Superior Gort Judge: I'm going to allow them, for now.
Bender: Thank you. Your Honor, this meat-man does not deny that we robots are the glorious products of evolution. He claim only to have played a small role in supplying the initial machinery. I ask you, is that so crazy? Yes, it's completely crazy, and that is why you must find him not guilty by reason of insanity!
Farnsworth: Objection, I'm not crazy! I created you all and I came here in a homemade spaceship and lived in a cave. If you don't believe me, ask my uncle.
Superior Gort Judge: Prosecutor, your opening statement?
Superior Gort Prosecutor: Yeah, honey. I'll be home by dinner. The prosecution rests, your Honor.
Superior Gort Judge: Very well, we will reconvene when the jury reaches a verdict.
Bender: Son, you in a whole mess of trouble.
Superior Gort Judge: Has the jury reached a verdict?
Robotic Gas Forms: No, we have not, for we have evolved to a high state of consciousness. In the grand scheme, all physical beings are but yokels. Now, settle your petty squabbles and get the hell out.
Bender: That'll be $10,000.
Banjo: Well, digital photographs don't lie. I admit that what you witnessed may have been some form of evolution.
Farnsworth: I'm glad you agree, Dr. Banjo.
Banjo: Evolution set into motion by a wise and all-knowing Creator. You.
Farnsworth: Well I don't know about all-knowing. And I admit it's possible, however unlikely, that some wise and all-knowing alien monster set evolution in motion here on Earth.
Bender: And the Creator could also be a robot.
Farnsworth: Then who built this so-called Creator-robot?
Banjo: Some magical bearded robot in the sky?
Bender: I guess that would be stupid. Never mind.
Farnsworth: Then it's settled. Finally, a world in which I'm happy to raise my son!
Zoidberg: Good, cause I'm sick of him!
Zoidberg: I'm serious. He's a terrible person.


Linda: Tonight, at 11 00.
Morbo: Doom!
Leela: Boy, that thing's big. Fry, is my colossal eye too big?
Fry: No, it's what makes you you.
Leela: But it's so round, so hideously round.
Fry: Leela, listen. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever known.
Leela: Oh. So you only care about my looks?
Fry: No, I... What?
Linda: Finally, New New York got a blast of class today as Nikolai, playboy ruler of the Robo-Hungarian Empire, arrived aboard his extravagant, caviar-powered yacht.
Nikolai: I'm just a humble emperor, with a big, big crown!
Bender: Of course I'm not planning to steal that crown!
Leela: What?
Bender: True. I've always dreamt of being an emperor. You know, for Halloween, and then forever. But heisting those jewels would be difficult.
Leela: You'd be stupid to try.
Bender: I'll need accomplices. A sexy vamp to distract and tie up the guard.
Amy: Never!
Bender: A claw man to slip past the metal detector and cut the alarm wires.
Zoidberg: Sorry, I'm set for life after that last job.
Bender: And finally, a chump, to be caught on video and later arrested.
Fry: As I told you on Sucker-Punch Day, I'm through being a chump.
Bender: Of course, it would all require split-second robotic timing. That's were I come in. You see, I own a watch.
Farnsworth: There. This time I'm sure I've fixed the mind-switcher.
Amy: Good, I'm sick of cleaning up those heaps of dead monkeys. But why would you want your mind in a new body?
Farnsworth: Well, as a man enters his 18th decade, he thinks back on the mistakes he's made in life.
Amy: Like the heaps of dead monkeys?
Farnsworth: Science cannot move forward without heaps! No, what I regret is the youth I wasted playing it safe.
Amy: I wasted my youth porking out.
Farnsworth: Yes, I remember.
Amy: Would you please take that down? It's making me hungry.
Farnsworth: Funny, I could use a little extra meat on my bones. Wait a second, if we switch bodies, I could live life to the extreme, and you could indulge your demonic food lust.
Amy: We are just the people this mind-switcher was made for by us! Wait, can I still change my mind?
Farnsworth: Let's find out.
Amy: It didn't work you doddering old
Farnsworth: Ah! Cartilage! Dude, I bid you a fond cowabunga! I'm off to laugh at the Reaper. Look out, world, here I... I'm sorry, Amy, but your body is not up to the task. Also, I don't care for these boobs flapping every which way. Now quit your bologna-gargling and let's switch back to our original bodies.
Bender: Body switcher, eh? Mayhap the heist is back on. Who needs accomplices, if I can just use their bodies.
Amy: Professor, what's not happening?
Farnsworth: Bad news, me. I failed to take into account the cerebral immune response.
Amy: You idiot!
Farnsworth: Once two bodies have switched minds, they can never switch back. However, perhaps they can. Maybe we can swap back using a third body for temporary storage space.
Bender: I'm 60% storage space.
Farnsworth: Eh, wha?
Bender: Well, I'm off to the royal yacht for a quick seduce-and-snatch.
Amy: See ya!
Farnsworth [In Bender’S Body.]: Now then, Amy, we'll simply switch bodies, and then we'll... we'll... No, I'd be back in my body, but then you and Bender would be switched. And the Amy and Bender bodies can't trade minds again, since they just did.
Amy: Oh no! Is it possible to get everyone back to normal using four or more bodies?
Farnsworth [In Bender’S Body.]’’: I'm not sure. I'm afraid we need to use... MATH.
Bender: Stupid, air-needing lungs. The crown jewels. Now I just have to locate the guard and seduce him in... Four seconds?
Basil: Who goes there?
Bender: Three, two, one. Hello, big boy.
Basil: Silence! I am Basil, the emperor's cousin and chief of his royal guard. And I shall not be seduced by a...
Bender: I said, "Wow chica wow wow".
Leela: Professor, what's the matter.
Amy: I'm Amy. The Professor and I switched bodies.
Leela: Oh, lord.
Amy: All I wanted was to gorge myself a little, but I can't digest anything with these false teeth and this hit-or-miss colon.
Leela: At least, you get the senior discount at the movies. I hate paying $14 to see Nicolas Cage solve things.
Amy: If you want to save $2, we could switch bodies.
Leela: We could always switch back, right?
Fry: Hey, Leela. Mmm. What smells saturated?
Amy: Deep-fried ice cream sandwich wrapped in frosting and lightly baconed.
Fry: Woah. That sounds like something Amy would say and eat.
Amy: I am Amy. Leela and I used the Professor's mind-switching machine. [She puts ketchup on her "creation".
Fry: So Leela's in your body?
Leela: Not exactly. Aha! You do only like me for my body.
Fry: That is entirely not true, sir!
Bender: Now to go switch bodies with Zoidberg, sneak past the metal detector and clip the alarm wires, all in less than... Ten minutes ago! Oh! Uh, could you come back when my chump gets here?
Nikolai: Now then, what is a filthy human doing aboard my royal yacht?
Bender: With all due respect, Your Majesty, I'm a robot like you. I just switch bodies with some bimbo. Go ahead, ask me something only a robot would know.
Nikolai: Ah, a reverse Turing test, eh? Very good. What is the square root of nine?
Bender: Hold on, let me just get out a pencil. Okay, look, I'm not that kind of robot. I'm more this kind. [He starts beat boxing and Moonwalking.
Basil: He steps forwards but moves backwards.
Nikolai: By the gods! he is a machine!
Farnsworth: No, that won't restore everyone, either. Besides, I don't want my decrepit old body back! I'm running away with this invincible robot body and joining something!
Fishy Joe: I paid for 15 Robot Clowns per cubic meter of car, and you're barely giving me 12. Now crumple up and get in... And fasten your seat belts.
Robot Clown: Oh, come on!
Farnsworth: Good day. I am Nonchalanto, the robot daredevil. And my dream is to risk my life in strange and original ways.
Fishy Joe: Hmm. You don't look so foolhardy to me.
Fishy Joe: That's the dumbest thing anybody's ever done. Your hired!
Nikolai: So you're a common bending robot with a human peasant roommate?
Bender: Oh, crap, that is what I am!
Nikolai: No, Bender, I envy you. I'm so bored with all of these pretentious trappings. The jewels, the parties, the beautiful robo women.
Princess Flavia: Hello.
Nikolai: My fiancée, Princess Flavia. Dearest, meet Bender. He's a robot in the body of a Chinese Martian physicist.
Flavia: How tedious.
Nikolai: Oh, to escape this gilded cage for a day.
Bender: You know, we could trade bodies. I could take over the humdrum royal stuff and you could be an regular Joe for a day. Or more. Much more.
Nikolai: In that horrible non-robot body. Sir, I have my standards.
Bender: Ah, but what if I could put you in my fabulous bending-robot body?
Nikolai: Me, posing as a lowly bending unit? How wicked! But wait, I'm supposed to give a speech at the UN tomorrow. Can I trust you to do it?
Bender: You can trust anything.
Fry: So now Leela's all crotchety because she thinks I'm not attracted to her in the Professor's body.
Hermes: You aren't, are you?
Fry: Of course not! But I was willing to lie about it. What more can a man do?
Hermes: A man can give her a toke of her own medicine.
Fry: Yes! I can put my mind in a hideous body and show Leela she's not attracted to me. But it would have to be a really, really disgusting body.
Zoidberg: Friends! Friends! I've got barnacles on my tuchus!
Hermes: The long search is over.
Bender: Wait here and earn interest while I find my robot body.
Bender: Professor?
Leela: Leela. Amy?
Bender: Bender. Have you seen my body? I think the Professor's in it.
Leela: Yeah, he said something about running away. Then he ran away.
Bender: What? Wither?
Bender: What am I gonna do? I got an emperor all patsied up to switch bodies, but only with another robot!
Wash Bucket: Wash bucket full.
Scruffy: Scruffy's work here is done.
Bender:
Bender: Now to find Emperor Von Richendoof.
Wash Bucket: Now to find Scruffy.
Zoidberg: Switch bodies? I don't see why not. I also don't see why.
Fry: In your face, Leela.
Nikolai: If you're a bender, why is your body full of fetid water?
Bender: If you're an emperor, why don't you shut up? Move it, Fry.
Bender: Well, so long.
Nikolai: Wait! Point me to my normal human roommate!
Bender: That's him there, maybe. Got to go!
Zoidberg: Robot?
Nikolai: Yes, 'tis I, Bender. Do you not recognize your own best friend?
Zoidberg: Aha! The guy in this body has a friend! Bender, old pal! It's me, the Fry!
Leela: But then Nicolas Cage discovered that the real treasure was his family. Yes, I'll hold.
Fry: Hey, Leela, look! I'm in Zoidberg.
Leela: Fry?
Fry: Oh, you're not so shallow that you find me repulsive because of my body, are you?
Leela: Not at all. Amy, stop it! Fry, help! She's turning me into a parade float!
Fry: Eww! look at her!
Leela: Oh. So you're so shallow that my body disgusts you if it puts on a little extra weight?
Fry: That wasn't a little extra weight.
Leela: Admit it! You don't care about the inner me at all!
Fry: No, you admit it! You'd be ashamed to be seen in public with someone as hideous as me!
Leela: Would not!
Fry: Oh, yeah? Then I challenge you to a romantic dinner at Elzar's tonight.
Leela: It's on.
Hermes: Sweet orca of Majorca! You make Fat Albert look like Normal Albert!
Amy: I don't know what to do. Do you think I should eat more butter?
Hermes: I am putting a stop to this, right now! Come on! We're switching bodies.
Amy: Hermes, no! I'll ruin your body, too!
Hermes: Three decades of the munchies beat you to it.
Big Bertha: You make quite a show, young man. You remind me of myself as a young cannon.
Chainsaw-Eating Robot: Big Bertha is the circus's grande dame. She shoots robots through the air.
Bertha: Excuse me. Too much goulash.
Farnsworth: I've always wanted to be shot out of something. How about a quick blast after lunch.
Bertha: Alas, a fine big one like you would shatter my barrel. But, ah, to amaze the crowd once more.
Farnsworth: I understand the problem of age, but suppose I could put you into a new body?
Bertha: Never! My body may be old, but it is mine, and every crack a memory of heavy things shot a long way. Good day.
Bender: Ah! I have everything I every wanted. Money, wealth, riches. Yet something's missing. A hot princess with which to get(?) grizzly.
Flavia: Hello.
Bender: Hello, baby! Huh? Hey, what's going on here? And why are you kissing my dashing cousin instead of me?
Flavia: Nikolai, you imperial fool! We've been having an affair for 700 years.
Basil: At long last, I shall kill you, blame the burglar and inherit the throne.
Flavia: Farewell, Nikolai.
Bender: Wait! I'm not Nikolai! I'm Bender, the fabulous body-switching burglar.
Basil: So you are. However, you do have Nikolai's body, and that's the part we want to kill.
Fry: Great food, huh?
Leela: Ew!
Fry: I'm sorry, Leela. I hope that didn't make you ashamed to be seen with me.
Leela: No, it only makes you more attractive.
Fry: Ew!
Leela: Oh, did my bodily infirmity embarrass you?
Fry: Not at all. It's just another thing that makes you a very special lady.
Leela: You mean, like my penis? Eh!
Fry: Admit it! You're disgusted by me!
Leela: No, you're disgusted by me!
Fry: I'm as attracted to you as I've ever been!
Leela: Prove it!
Zoidberg: Well, Bender, here's our apartment that we live in everyday. A floor? We live like kings?
Nikolai: Kings? Silence! Like you, I'm a common lout. Now fetch me some working-class cognac from our brandy storeroom that you know how to find.
Zoidberg: Relax, Bender. I'll dry up that leak with this heating box.
Nikolai: Ah, cigars. Light me up, old friend.
Robot: There you are, Emperor Nikolai. It's time for your speech to the UN.
Bender: The what now?
Scruffy: Miss Wong?
Wash Bucket: No, Scruffy, I am wash bucket. I love you. Wash bucket has always loved you.
Scruffy: It's wrong, wash bucket. Oh, it would be sweet for a while, but in the back of our minds, we'd know that I'm a man and you're janitorial equipment.
Wash Bucket: In another city, we could be anyone we want!
Scruffy: Go. Go now, before I beg you to stay.
Scruffy: Yep.
Nixon: Please welcome an insane dictator, and one heck of a bowler, Emperor Nikolai!
Bender: Thanks, Nixon. How we doing?
Woman: I love you, Your Majesty.
Bender: Shut up, madam ambassador, I know it. Anyhow, I'd now like to digress from my prepared remarks to say, "I'm done".
Basil: Ladies and gentlemen, this robot is an impostor! I shall enjoy this.
Bender: Not me.
Chainsaw-Eating Robot: That devil, Basil, will kill our emperor.
Farnsworth: You're Robo-Hungarian?
Robot Carny: Yes. Our nation's chief export is carnies.
Farnsworth: If only there was some way I could get to the UN to help.
Bertha: There is. Get in, Nonchalanto.
Chainsaw-Eating Robot: Bertha, no! It would kill you!
Bertha: I have not so much time left anyhow.
Farnsworth: But you could get a new body! You could have a rich, full life!
Bertha: I am trying to have a rich, full life. Long live Robo-Hungary!
Bender: Me! Thank God you've come!
Farnsworth: This is for Big Bertha. That is not what I meant to give you for Big Bertha.
Leela: That was nice.
Fry: Oh, yeah.
Nixon: Ow. Ow. Arrooo!
Basil: Whoever you are, you're the bravest robot I've ever seen. I like killing brave things.
Farnsworth: Good, because I've got 20 of them per cubic meter.
Boy: When I grow up, I wanna be a diplomat!
Bender: Well, if they're is one thing I learned, it's a lesson. I believe this belongs to you.
Nikolai: I shall sell it to help the common folk, now that I understand their misery.
Bender: Yeah, good luck with that.
Leela: I must say, Hermes, you've got a smoking-hot body.
Hermes: I was inspired by Amy.
Leela: Wow! How did you do it.
Amy: Well, there I was at Elzar's, eating a nice pork sundae and suddenly, I just lost my appetite. Forever.
Sweet Clyde: Q to the E to the D!
Farnsworth: So it is possible us all to get back to our original bodies?
Bubblegum: Stone-cold munching, Prof. Sweet Clyde, characterize your inversion theorem.
Sweet Clyde: Basically, no matter how permuted-up your minds are, they can be restored using, at most, two extra players.
Farnsworth: And they say pure math has no real-world applications!
Sweet Clyde: Everybody back in their zones?
Farnsworth: Ah! My body may be old, but it is mine. Brilliant work, Clyde. You'll win the NBA's highest academic honor for this.
Nikolai: Also, I'm making you a duke. So long filthy commoners.
Bender: ¡Adiós! And I'm left with the real jewels safely inside... ...his compartment!
Bender: All right. I'll need accomplices.