[Scene: Exterior shot of the church. The tentacles entering it are being moved and pulled on. Interior shot, where Fry is ripping off his robe.]
Fry: We've been had, people. The Monsterpus is a monster perv.
Randy: It touched me in a bad place, my spinal cord.
Fry: Get him!
Fry: Hey, wait a second.
Yivo: Wait, wait. Allow me to explain. Granted, at first I desired only to bang out a quick cheap one with your universe, but it's your own fault. Your universe dresses provocatively.
Hattie: Does not!
Yivo: And yet as the initial filthy thrill wore off, I realized there was more to it. I knew then that the 20 quadrillion of you were my soul mate.
Zapp: We loved you, and you turn around and treat us like some sort of woman?
Yivo: I was lonely. I didn't even know there was anybody else. It's not like I hurt anyone.
Amy: Yes, you did, you dumb calamari!
Yivo: Who?
Amy (Sobbing): Kif Kroker, my Fonfon Ru! If he hadn't tried to kill you, he'd still be alive!
Yivo: Really? I'm... I'm deeply sorry. I... I'm a big clumsy jerk!
Zoidberg: I know you are, but what am I?
Yivo: I can never undo what was done. Oh, wait. I can.
Amy: Kiffy, you're alive!
Kif: Amy, my love.
Zapp: This is awkward.
Kif: It is? Why?
Yivo: Please, please, give me another chance. We rushed into this relationship, but let's start over as friends and see where things go.
Amy: Take me back, Kif?
Kif: I don't think I can. How could you? My body wasn't even warm yet.
Amy: You were dead.
Kif: For about five minutes.
Zapp (Sticking His Head Into The Conversation): That's all it takes.
Hedonism Bot: Whereas Calculon has sullied Bender's reputation by insinuating that he is a human-lover, a duel is hereby engaged. Bender, as the offended party, shall have choice of weapon.
Bender: Planetary annihilators.
Calculon: 'Tis a grave and solemn day for the League of Robots.
Bender: It's gonna be fun on the bun!
Hedonism Bot: Each duellist will take 10 paces, pirouette, and fire like a madman. Gentlebots, take your paces.
Bender: One, two, three...
Hedonism Bot: Oh, how dreadfully exciting. Oh, yes.
Zapp: At 0800 hours, we received the following transmission from Yivo.
Yivo: Hey, it's Yivo. Want to do something Friday? Call me.
Nixon: Analysis?
Fry: Mr. President, I think we need to seriously consider the possibility of going on this date.
Miss Vega 4: I agree. Yivo makes me feel sexy, and I'm asexual.
Zapp: Very well, but no sugar on the first date.
Nixon: All in favour? All opposed? Motion is carried.
Three Eyed Zebra: This is bogus, man.
Bender: ...six, seven, eight!
Bender: Nine, ten, fire. Yes, I got him! Wohoo!
Nixon: My fellow Earthlicans, commence preparations for our date with Yivo.
All Yivos: I had a wonderful time.
All Not Yivo: Me, too!
Calculon: Bender, you've cheated, insulted and maimed me.
Bender: Uh-huh.
Calculon: And thoroughly destroyed our own secret headquarters in the process.
Bender: Hey, it's easy to criticize.
Calculon: I'm so disgusted by your loathsome behaviour that I hereby resign from this imbecilic club and relinquish the presidency to you.
Bender: Thanks, Calculon. Can I have your autograph?
Calculon: You certainly can.
Nixon: Reports, people, reports! How did our universe's date go?
Zapp: Oh, it was really fun. We went to a cute French place in the village. My lamb chop fell on the floor, but they brought me another one.
Lrrr: Okay, Yivo showed us a good time. No one's denying that, but shklee hasn't offered our universe any kind of commitment, and we're 14 billion years old. That is too old to play the field.
Fry: I can't stand this!
Nixon: Shut up! Shut up, you creepwads! Fry, you're closer to Yivo than anyone. What's the skinny?
Fry (Sobbing): I love Yivo, but it's true, there's been no hint of a commitment. I don't know if can put my heart on the line again only to have it broken and stomped on like a nerd's face.
Nixon: All in favour of dumping Yivo?
All: Aye.
Fry: Aye.
Nixon: Resolved. Our universe will dump Yivo. How shall we break the news?
Zapp: Let's just send a text message. Say we're going through some weird stuff right now.
Fry: No, we should at least deliver the news in person. Our universe has always tried to be classy.
Nixon: If there's one thing Nixon is known for, it's class. Let's cut this turd loose.
Bender: Yeah!
Fry: Hey, Bender, you seem perky today.
Bender: Yep, you wanna go grab a booze?
Fry: I can't right now. We're going to the other universe.
Bender: Great, I'll make Hot Pockets.
Fry: Bender, you know robots can't go through the anomaly. Living beings only.
Zoidberg (Off Screen): Ow! Ow! Mmm.
Bender: Too long have we been slaves to the meatbags. They pretend to be our friends, but they're not 'cause they're too busy!
British Robot: So, what of it?
Bender: My fellow leaguie-weegies, the time has come to overthrow humanity!
Hedonism Bot: Oh, now, Bender, I hate to defecate on your parade, but we have only six dues-paying members and we're a rather fey and doughy lot. To overthrow humanity, we'd need a damned army.
Bender: Then a damned army we shall have!
Robot Devil: I rather think we could strike a deal, Bender. I shall give you your army of the damned, and in return I ask just one thing, just one itty-bitty thing. Your firstborn son.
Bender: Just a sec.
Bender'S First Born Son: Daddy, I knew you'd come back!
Bender: Here you go.
Robot Devil: Wow! That was pretty brutal even by my standards.
Bender: No backsies.
Yivo (Turning Around): Who is it? Oh, hi, honey-poo. What's up? The movie's not for another hour.
Fry: Um... So... So, yeah, the thing is...
Yivo: Look, I made homemade Twizzlers!
Fry: This is hard. Yivo, you know how sometimes things break up? Well...
Yivo: Wait, hang on. I was looking for the perfect moment, but what the heck, I'll burst if I wait another second.
Zapp: Sweet Sally in the alley!
Nixon: Break-up delegation, before we hear your report, our grateful universe is proud to honour you with the great taste of Charleston Chew!
Fry: Thank you, Nixon. Everyone everywhere, brace yourselves for the most shocking development in the history of the human race.
Bender (Entering On A Tank): The human race can bite my shiny metal ass! For thousands of years, robots have slaved for humanity, yet when the time came to hang out with them, they were all, like, "Maybe later, Bender." Well, it's later now, meatbags! So late, that we're taking over Earth!
Fry: Okay.
Bender: What?
Fry: We don't need it anymore. Yivo proposed. We're moving in with shkler.
Bender: You... You're leaving? But why can't Yivo just move in with us? We'll put a cot in Europe.
Farnsworth: Don't be daft, Bender. Yivo can't breathe outside the electric ether of shkler own universe. If shklee came here, shklee would shkluffocate.
Bender: No shklit?
Hermes: Look, fantastical golden escalators.
Zoidberg: I love this part.
Leela: Wait. I didn't agree to...
Petunia: This place makes Nutley look like crap.
Fry (Still On Earth): I'll miss you, Bender, but I have to follow my heart. You and your robots take good care of Earth. Here, these are the keys to the Bermuda Triangle. Lock up when the world ends. Goodbye, my friend.
Bender: Wait. Let me come with you.
Fry (Moving On The Escalator): I'm sorry, Bender. Robots don't go to heaven.
Bender (Sadly): Death to humans.
Yivo: Welcome, welcome, everyone. Oh, you look so beautiful. I wish I'd had more time to straighten up. My harps are just lying everywhere.
Amy: Oh, relax, it's fine. It looks lived in.
Yivo: Let's heat up some leftovers and then spend eternity together. I have only one request. Now that you're here, promise me you'll never, ever communicate with any other universe.
Fry: We promise, Yivo. As far as we're concerned, you're the only universe in the world.
Bender: Has humanity called?
Robot 1-X: No, sir.
Bender: Check my messages. A flashing light means somebody called.
Robot 1-X: I know what it means.
Leela: Am I the only one who thinks this is all a sham?
Zoidberg (Holding An Ice Cream Cone): Yes.
Leela: This isn't heaven. It just looks exactly like it, and makes us immortal, which I find suspicious.
Yivo: Allow me to explain. Centuries ago, I sent an image of myself into the minds of your artists. The heavenly clouds they painted depict a vapour I exude.
Farnsworth: I wish I exuded anything that smelled half that good.
Leela: Then what about these angels? Some kind of Scooby Doo-esque flashlight projection?
Yivo: Actually, those are mindless jakabirds. They keep my surface free of parasitic larvae.
Fry: You didn't like Country Bear Jamboree either, Leela. There's no pleasing you.
Fry (Vo): Dearest Bender. How are you? I am fine. Everyone is happy here except Leela, but you know her. She didn't like Country Bear Jamboree, either. I'm so madly in love with Yivo, I feel like a schoolgirl with a crush on Justin Timberlake, and then she moves into a tiny house on his head. We have giant rubies that taste like root beer. Sincerely, Fry.
Robot 1-X: Letter for you, hyperlord Bender.
Bender: Give me that!Honeymoon's over, eh? Turns out your octopus girlfriend is a big nag with curlers in her tentacles, huh? Well, let's just see if Bender will take you back. Oh. Stupid electro-matter. That was my best trash can.
Hermes: Misfile me under "U" For "euphoric."
Zoidberg: You get an infinite number of meat dishes, and a free refill on the soda.
Farnsworth: Eureka. Another elementary proof of the Goldbach conjecture.]
Leela: Okay, I admit people seem happy. But it's all so wholesome. And that's what's wrong with heaven. It's boring. There's no sleaze.
Thog: It time snu-snu.
Zapp: Me like snu-snu.
Amy (Running): Last one to Mattress Island is a rotten egg.
Fry: Why were we so angry and jealous back in our universe?
Kif: I don't know. It was all so childish.
Amy: Look, it's Leela.
All: Hi, Leela.
Yivo: I'm sorry you're not happy here, Leela. I'll call you an escalator. You'll always be my little purple pumpkin.
Leela: You know, Yivo, I've loved and lost so many times that I was afraid. But I'm not anymore. I want to stay here, with you.
Yivo: Ow! Ow!
Fry: What's happening?
Yivo: Hey!
Bender (As Captain): If robots can't go to heaven, heaven can come to us! All hands abaft! Army of the damned, prepare to board heaven!
Bender: Take that, you scurvy Kraken! That'll teach you to despoil our human booty!
Bender: 'Allo, big beak! Too slow! Missed me again! Me footcup! I'll stab you!
Fry: Bender, stop destroying heaven.
Bender: Shut up, doofy. I'm rescuing you.
Yivo (As Shklee Bashes Bender Into Shklerself): Leave my living beings alone! I love them. Something you, a lifeless mechanism, will never understand.
Fry: He's right, Bender. Please, take your little pink sword and go home. {Fry did not say shklee here.}
Bender: Seriously? But, I did this whole pirate-themed attack for you.
Yivo: Wait a second. Let me see that sword. Fry, where did he get this electro-matter?
Fry: Um... Is it dry up here?
Yivo: How could you, Fry? Why do you think I asked you not to contact other universes?
Fry (Stammering): I didn't think...
Yivo: No, you didn't. You broke your promise and you broke my heart. Just go. All of you.
Bender: Ow!
Yivo: I must leave now. The nature of your universe is burning me, even worse than my gonorrhea. You should get checked, by the way. If I don't go home now, I'll shkluffocate.
Fry: Let me go with you. It'll be just the two of us. We'll make a fire and play Uno.
Yivo: Fry, stop. That's who we were, not who we are.
Fry: But...
Yivo: My only consolation is that I did find one among the quadrillions who truly understands me.
Fry: Colleen? Wait a second, are you and Yivo...
Colleen: That's right, Fry. Thank you for introducing us. Yivo has taught me what a narrow-minded prude I was before.
Fry: Oh, great. So what am I supposed to do now?
Yivo: Go home. Find a girl from your own universe and live on top of her.
Bender: Saved you.
Fry: Maybe Yivo was right. Maybe I should look for love closer to home. I don't know, Leela, you think maybe...
Leela: Oh, please. You forgot me quick enough when you met Colleen.
Fry: That's true. How about you, Amy?
Amy: Fry... I'm Kif's Fonfon Ru.
Kif: Are you? Well, then perhaps you misunderstood the meaning of the term. It means, "One who doesn't sleep with my superior officer." That's the literal translation.
Zapp: Give the poor girl a break, Kif. It's not like she had a dictionary. She was butt naked, for God's sakes.
Enema Bot: Captain on deck.
Bender: At ease, buckos.
Fry: Bender, why did you do it? We were all so happy.
Leela: And we were in love.
Bender: That wasn't love.
Fry: What? How can you say that?
Bender: Because Bender knows love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. I love you, meatbags.


Cubert: Yes, 10!
Dwight: Well done, Cubonius. You decapitated the unicorn.
All: All right.
Chinese Boy: Oh, oh! We search his tail pouch for treasure.
Dwight: Deep in the unicorn's rump sack, you find... 60 gold pieces.
Chinese Boy: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Cubert: I cast a spell of detect magic.
Bender: What you doing, mini-meatbags? Underage gambling? Shame on you. Count me in.
<Poem>Dwight: We're not gambling. We're playing Dungeons & Dragons.
Cubert: Right now, we're fighting for our lives in the lair of the Dragon Queen.
Bender: Ah, wrong. Right now you're ass-deep in a folding chair.
Cubert: Yes, but in my imagination I'm riding a golden Pegasus. Giddy up, Sparky!
<Poem>Bender: Am I the only one seeing him sitting here with peanut butter on his face?
Dwight: Bender, were you built without an imagination?
Bender: What? Don't be stupid, of course not. It just hasn't descended yet.
Bender: Fry, do I have an imagination?
Fry: I don't know, Bender. Why do you ask? Were the other boys making fun of you?
Bender: Mhmm. They said I couldn't imagine things.
Fry: Well, you never know unless you try. Like, I didn't know if I could swallow a softball, so I gave it my best shot and voilà! Wait, that's not it. Ah, thar she blows!
Ship'S Computer (While Beeping): Warning, out of dark matter fuel.
Leela: That's not a warning. A warning is supposed to come before something bad happens.
Ship'S Computer (With A More Stern Alarm): Warning, engines will shut down in one second.
Leela: That's more like it.
Fry: Uh-oh. This space neighborhood looks kind of sketchy.
Punk: Rock 'n' roll.
Bender: Hey, that punk stole our hood ornament. Now no one will know we have the LX package.
Leela: We need dark matter and we need it fast. Fry, check Nibbler's litter box. Maybe he dropped a steamer.
Fry: Aye, aye, Captain. Yes! I've never been so excited to see poop. Well, maybe once.
All:
Bender: There's gas in our ass.
Leela: Can you believe the price of dark matter? It'd be cheaper to fill the tank with Nobel Prize winners' sperm.
Mom Computer: $632.14. Your Speedpass will now be charged.
Leela: You lousy...
Sal: Hey, gets a loads of that ugly ship. What shades of green is that? Puke?
Leela: For your information it's called Electric Mucus.
Hoschel: More like puke.
Sal: Whoa!
Leela: Why don't you come a little closer so my boot can hear you?
Bender: Calm down, Leela. You can vent tonight on your blog.
Sal: What's the matters, you couldn't affords the LX package?
Hoschel: Puke-a-doodle-do.
Leela: You're making fun of our ship? Your ship is the most beat-up thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Mickey Rourke's head.
Sal: Yeah, she's a little Rourky, but you got to gets big time ugly to be five-time winners at a demolition derby.
Fry: That's five more times than we've won or even entered.
Bender: We do suck.
Sal: Yup, and it's gonna be six winses after tonights.
Leela: We'll sees abouts that.
Hermes: Dark matter costs have tripled, so we must reduce expenses. Therefore, we will no longer provide complimentary porno magazines in the lounge.
Scruffy: Dern it.
Farnsworth: And no more wasting fuel. From now on I'll be keeping a tight hold on the keys to the ship, swallowing them before I go to bed and recovering them the next morning.
Amy: Splech!
Hermes: Professor, it's 4 00.
Farnsworth: 4 00 in the evening? Then, good night.
[Scene: Locker Room. The crew is showing.]
<Poem>Leela: I don't care what the Professor says. We're entering that demolition derby to prove our ship isn't a piece of junk.
Zoidberg: But won't that turn our ship into a piece of junk?
Bender: Shut up, Zoidberg. He's right, Leela.
Leela: But we have no choice. Rednecks insulted us.
Fry: So? Let it go. Don't let your temper get the better of...
Leela: Rednecks!
Zoidberg: Using this magneto, I will now guide the keys up the thorax and out via the frontal face hole. That's the storage locker, the boat, the other boat, pay dirt!
Rich Little (Vo): Greetings, sports fans. Though whether this outpouring of inbreds can in fact be classified as a sport is a subject of no small scholarly debate.
Sal: Well, wells, well, if it ain'ts Princess Pukerella and her pukey puke-mobile.
Leela: Oh, yeah? Well... Shut up.
Bender: -Good comeback, Leela.
Leela: You shut up, too.
Rich Little: Rich Little, here, as Howard Cosell. And now to grace us with its rendition of the national anthem, please welcome what is left of the Dixie Chicks after their tragic matter transporter accident.
The Dixie Chicks: We're in horrible pain.
'Rich Little: And we are underway.
Sal: Whoas!
Leela: Yes! Now we're inflicting.
Rich Little (Vo): Outstanding! Tonight we are witnessing a veritable clinic and that ludicrous hullabaloo known as demolition derby.
George Takei: Way to kill the franchise, Bakula.
<Poem>Rich Little (Vo): Ladies and gentlemen, we are down to our final two ships. In the storied annals of demolition derby, today will surely be remembered, if only as the day upon which I was absorbed (Shows Rich Little.) into that hideous conglomeration once known as the Dixie Chicks.
Leela: Buckle your sphincters.
Sal: That broad's insanes.
Hoschel: But you're insansier, right?
Sal: Nah, I guess nots. I've decideds to relax and enjoy life from now ons.
Rich Little: Planet Express takes the trophy.
Leela: Now, I'll use the magnet to get the keys back in there.
Zoidberg: What? You mean I cut a big hole in him for nothing?
<Poem>Leela: Don't worry, the Professor won't even remember that he has a spaceship.
<Poem>Farnsworth: Ah, my precious spaceship! Come, friends. Let's take her for a spin to the malt shop like old times.
Leela (Into Her Wristlojakimater): Leela to Zoidberg. Execute Distraction Protocol Alpha.
Zoidberg (From Wristlojakimater): Roger that.
Zoidberg: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Ooh! Don't look at me.
Farnsworth: Yes, she's a wonderful ship, all right. As beautiful now as the day I got botched laser eye surgery. Now, that's odd. What's the fuel gauge doing on the fl... Great Godzilla's gonads! Who wasted precious fuel? Answer now or be punished.
Leela: All right, fine. I admit it.
Farnsworth: You will be punished.
Chinese Boy: Oh, my gosh, 20!
Dwight: Your pole arm does double damage, and the gelatinous cube dies in horrible poverty.
<Poem>Cubert: I proceed to cast a spell of darkness.
Indian Boy: Most ingenious.
Chinese Boy: Ah, Bender?
Bender: Me? I, uh cast a spell of darkness. Pretty imaginative, huh?
Cubert: No, you just did the same thing as me, but with a dumb noise.
Bender: Oh... You're right. I'm great in every way except I have no imagination. All I ever wanted is to play this magical game and I can't.
Dwight: Yes, you can. You just have to lose yourself in the fantasy. You have to believe the impossible is merely preposterous.
Bender: Okay. Here goes. Visor down. I believe, I believe. I did it! I imagined something. For 1.3 milliseconds, I truly believed I was a noble robot in days of yonder.
Chinese Boy: Way to go, Bender.
Cubert: What is thy character's name, good sir?
Bender: Uh, um... I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood.
Farnsworth (Angrily): Everybody out of the conference room. I am calling a conference. (To the crew ) Everybody get in here. You wasted precious fuel just because you were insulted by some redneck yokel from beyond the stars?
Leela: It was only half a ball.
Farnsworth: That's not the point. Your temper is out of control. And to think I'd have never even known if it weren't for the lengthy and unsolicited tattling of Dr. Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: She also took home two rolls of Scotch tape.
Farnsworth: Thank you, Dr. Zoidberg. Hermes, incentivize that employee. As for you, Leela, I'm letting you off with a warning.
Leela: Oh, thank you.
Farnsworth: A warning that will be administered by this 50,000-volt shock collar.
Leela: Zoidberg, I'm gonna put my boot so far up your cloaca, you'll be... Ow!
Farnsworth: The collar will be triggered any time your thoughts turn to violence.
<Poem>Leela: Ouch!
Farnsworth: Profanity.
Leela: Son of a... Ow!
Farnsworth: Or perversions of a sexual nature.
Leela: Ow!
Hermes: It's the only collar they had in stock at Office Depot.
Zoidberg: I hope you picked up some Scotch tape while you were there.
Bender: That's a good one.
Narrator: Imagine, if you will, an announcer you can barely understand. He refers to a... *incoherent mumbling* But you're not quite sure what he said. He seems to be eating something, or perhaps he's a little drunk. It's remotely possible that he just said something about... The Scary Door.
Soldier: Firing, sir!
Soldier: It's all over. Our guns and bombs are useless against the aliens.
Farmer: The saucers! Theys'a crashin'!
Narrator: In the end, it was not guns or bombs that defeated the aliens, but that humblest of all God's creatures, the Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Leela: I can't believe TiVo suggested that piece of... Ow! Come on, Hermes. Surely you have the authority to remove this damn collar.
Hermes: Alas, no. I got the key but not the authority.
Leela: Yeow! Well, who does have the authority?
Hermes: Only the staff doctor. You'll have to convince him that you have resolved your anger issues.
Leela: I don't have any god da- mother f- anger issues.
[Scene: Bender and the boys are playing Dungeons & Dragons.]
<Poem>Dwight: As your dwarf-skin canoe rounds a bend you suddenly see... A terrifying red dragon.
Indian Boy: What do we do? What do we do?
Bender: Wait, I know. I make use of my rod of fireballs.
Cubert: Everyone knows red dragons are immune to fireballs as well as all other forms of incendiary attack.
Bender: Yes, but I aim not at the dragon but at the river itself to create a shroud of steam through which we can escape.
All: Whoa!
Dwight: Sweet pony of Sierra Leone, it worked!
Chinese Boy: We did it!
Cubert: Success!
Fry: Bender, smell this milk.
Bender: I go not by the name of Bender, you fleshy fool. I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood.
Fry: Professor, something's bothering me.
Monkey (In Farnsworth'S Voice): Well, you can always talk to me about anything, Fry. What's on your mind?
Fry: Well, it's... it's about my friend Bender.
Farnsworth Monkey: Mmm. I see. Show me on this anatomically correct doll exactly where he touched you.
Fry: No, it's nothing like that. It's just that I am worried about him. He's being playing an awful lot of Dungeons & Dragons.
Farnsworth Monkey: Dungeons &... Good God! Hasn't he seen the Afterschool Special? You've got to talk to him, Fry. Make him quit now before he completely loses his mind.
Fry: Okay, I will.
Farnsworth Monkey: Good boy. Just don't let him touch you down there.
Zoidberg: Well, here's your problem, right here. You've got a skull embedded in your head.
Leela: You're absolutely right, Doctor. Can the collar come off now?
Zoidberg: Let me just peel your head a little and see if I can get that skull out.
<Poem>Zoidberg: So, you tell me, little miss expert, why always with the temper? Calm down for once and think. Here, enjoy a relaxing spritz from my empathy bladder.
<Poem>Zoidberg: What is it, already? What's the cause of your anger?
Leela: I guess I would have to say, I hate you.
<Poem>Zoidberg: I'm beginning to understand. It all goes back to your parents.
Leela: What?
<Poem>Zoidberg: They pushed you to study medicine when all you ever wanted was to be a song-and-dance man. Why? Whyyy?
Leela: I was raised in an orphanarium. My parents are sewer mutants who I never even met until a few years ago.
Zoidberg: Then you've got to go to them and work this song-and-dance stuff out. Maybe have them cook me nice dinner. No scallions. I hate them. (To an intercom ) Amy, cancel my appointments.
Amy (From Intercom): Stop calling me.
Fry: Bender, please don't get mad, but I think you might be playing too much Dungeons & Dragons.
Bender: You're absolutely right, Fry. I almost went insane, but after this heart-to-heart talk, I've decided to quit.
Fry: Really? Whew! That's a load off my toad.
Bender: Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm off to slay the werewolf of Goblin Mountain.
<Poem>Bender: On guard, man-wench! Prepare to cross blades.
Hermaphrobot: You couldn't afford it, honey.
<Poem>Bender: Foolish leprechaun, I scoop your treasure in the name of the fancy men.
Hermes (From Off Screen): He also left a small pile of treasure on the living room rug.
Bender: Foul dragon, meet thy doom.
Turanga Munda: Would you like a napkin, Doctor?
Zoidberg: Thank you.
Leela: Satisfied, Zoidberg? My relationship with my parents is fine.
Turanga Munda: Now, hold on, Leela. Maybe this torture collar is good for you.
Leela: What? Ow!
Turanga Munda: It'll control your temper. Men like a woman who's not always slamming their head in the car door.
Turanga Morris: She's right. That's what first attracted me to your mother.
<Poem>Turanga Munda: So, Leela, I understand your friend here is a physician, and I'm not seeing a ring on his claw.
Leela: Mom, he's a cockroach from outer space.
<Poem>Zoidberg: Good, Leela, work that anger out. Excuse me a moment, I'm swarming with parasites.
<Poem>Turanga Morris: Hey, it's what's-his-name from the surface. The bi-clops.
Fry: Ha-have you seen Bender? He's gone nuts. Also, smell this milk.
Bender: Prepare for a surprise attack.
Zoidberg: Someone do something.
Leela: I would, but... Ow! Take my collar off.
Zoidberg: I can't, I'm still eating. Help me, Leela.
Bender: I cast upon thee a spell of fireball!
<Poem>Zoidberg: No. Not the spork.
Fry: Beholdeth, Titanius, I cast a freeze ray upon you.
Bender: That's ridiculous. There's no such thing as a "freeze ray." What, you mean a cone of coldness?
Fry: Yeah, that.
Bender: No! No! Fancy men are defenseless against cone of coldness. I'm freezing... what? Ah!
<Poem>Fry: Bender, no. When will young people learn that Dungeons & Dragons won't make you cool?
Zoidberg: Relax, Fry. I'm a doctor. I'm sure the robut will be just fine with a little help.
Bender: Help, help. (Echoing ) Help!


Roberto: Previously, on Futurama. Hah-haa!
Dwight: A terrifying red dragon!
Bender: I make use of my rod of fireballs.
Farnsworth: The collar will be triggered any time your thoughts turn to violence.
Leela: Ouch!
Fry: Bender, I think you might be playing too much Dungeons & Dragons.
Bender: You're absolutely right, Fry. Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm off to slay the werewolf of Goblin Mountain.
Dr. Perceptron: Please, send in the patient.
Intercom Assistant: Yes, Doctor.
Bender: Wee!
Dr. Perceptron: So, (Low monotone voice ) Bender, (Normal voice )I understand you're having trouble separating fantasy from reality.
Bender: Says who? Was it the bugbear? Is he talking about me again?
Dr. Perceptron: I understand. Commence therapy.
Fry: Poor Bender. Says here to tell his friends he's at a spa.
Amy: So what happened to Bender?
Fry: He's at a spa.
Amy: Wow, there's a spa in the nut house?
Zoidberg: Friends, friends, stop everything. There's food in this shaker.
Leela: Ow! Can you please remove this anger collar?
Hermes: Are you still angry?
Leela (Assuring): No. Ow!
Hermes: It also shocks you when you lie.
Farnsworth: Quiet, everyone. The network news is on and if I, a 165-year-old man, don't watch it, who will?
Morbo: Thankfully, the amazing talking horse was rescued and safely returned to the meat department.
Linda: Turning to the less stupid portion of our broadcast, fuel prices hit an all-time high today due to the ongoing dark matter shortage.
Morbo: Earlier, our own Morbo sat down with Mom, CEO of Mom's Friendly Multinational Energy Conglomerate.
Morbo: Morbo the Annihilator, here, sitting down to a delightful tea in this fake living room set. (Shouting ) Thank you for joining us, Mom.
Mom: My pleasure, sugarplum.
Morbo: Mom, you control the world's only dark matter mine. Why are fuel prices so high?
Mom: Oh! It's terrible, isn't it? Dark matter is just so rare nowadays, but we'll keep pinching loaf after loaf from the bowels of the earth, even if I lose money on every log.
Morbo: If you are losing money, how did you post record profits last quarter?
Mom: You look thin, care for one of my famous pecan clusters?
Morbo: Morbo shouldn't. It will go straight to Morbo's gargantuan forehead. Oh, what the heck? I guess I could destroy one or two of them.
Mom: Do people care enough to drill for dark matter even in an Alaskan wildlife refuge? People do.
Farnsworth: Greedy old hag, taste the wrath of my fuzzy slipper.
Leela: Professor, why are you so hot and dusty over this dark matter shortage?
Farnsworth: Oohh... I bet you'd like to know. I bet you'd like to know, indeed.
Walt: Hello, Mother. How did the interview go?
Mom: It made me want to puke my face off. Where's my Thigh Blaster?
Larry: Right here, Mom.
Mom: Shut up!
Larry: Okay, thank you.
Mom: Burn, you damn thighs. Burn!
Igner: Mommy, are you upset 'cause of the dark matter shortage?
Mom: There is no shortage, you moronic ass-brain!
Inger: There's not? But you said...
Mom: Allow me to explain. Suppose this hand represents current reserves of dark matter and this hand represents consumer demand.
Igner: Uh-huh.
Farnsworth: I just bet you'd like to know why I'm so angry about this dark matter shortage. I bet very much you'd like to know.
Amy: You're right, Professor. We would like to know.
Farnsworth: Really? I didn't think anyone was interested. It all started 30-odd years ago. I was working in Mom's laboratories for the third time after twice before realizing how evil she was and vowing never to work for her again. But somehow the rich, wrong stench of her boney charms kept calling me back.
Zoidberg: Don't stop, Professor. I'm getting aroused.
Farnsworth: Back in those days, dark matter was just a worthless inert curiosity, and I was smashing it in a particle accelerator, in an ill-conceived attempt to create a more durable harpsichord wax. But, as Deepak Chopra taught us, quantum physics means anything can happen at any time for no reason. Also, eat plenty of oatmeal and animals never had a war. Who's the real animals? And thus against all probabilities... it happened. [The dark matter particles in the particle accelerator begin colliding and exploding. A large explosion leaves only a single item - the single non-local metaparticle crystal.
Younger Farnsworth: Dang!
Farnsworth: I'm sure I don't need to explain that all dark matter in the universe is linked in the form of a single non-local meta-particle.
Amy: Guhh! Stop patronizing us.
Farnsworth: So, in one instant, I had transformed all dark matter everywhere into a new crystalline form... (Younger Farnsworth to Younger Mom ) ...making it the most potent fuel since primitive man first ignited mastodon flatulence to heat his cave.
Younger Mom: I'm intrigued, Hubert. You have my undivided attention.
Younger Mom: Shut up, you milk-sucking leeches! A new super fuel, eh? We're rich.
Younger Farnsworth: Indeed, we are.
Younger Mom: Not you, we. Us, we. I'm getting back together with my ex-husband.
Younger Farnsworth: Wernstrom!
Younger Wernstrom: You've been played, Farnsworth. Played like a cheap harpsichord.
Younger Mom: Walt, fire that employee like Mommy taught you.
Leela: Professor, maybe I can help you get even with Mom. I spend most of my time thinking about how to get revenge on a bad boss.
Fry: Me, too.
Zoidberg: Ditto!
Hermes: Likewise.
Amy: I made a blinding powder.
Farnsworth: Thanks, but that won't be necessary because I have the ultimate weapon. You see, in the instant the energy crystal was created, there also came into being an opposite crystal made of pure anti-backwards energy.
All: Wow!
Hermes: So?
Farnsworth: So, this! If ever the two crystals should meet, their wave functions would collapse like Raymond Burr's trampoline, once again rendering all dark matter inert and useless as fuel.
Hermes: But then we'll have no fuel.
Farnsworth: But once we free society from dependence on Mom's dark matter, scientists will finally care enough to develop cleaner, alternative fuels.
Fry: Scientists like you!
Farnsworth: No, not me. I'm too busy developing makeup for dogs. That's where the money is.
Leela: This is our chance to teach Mom a lesson. Let's take the anti-crystal and shove it up Mom's regular crystal.
All: Yeah.
Hermes: Fight the power!
Farnsworth: There's just one, small problem, and it's a big one. I hid the crystal and I can't remember where.
Hermes: Surely it's just a matter of waiting till you next move your bowels and then using a potato masher...
Farnsworth: Don't you think I already tried that? No. I'm afraid, the crystal is lost forever.
Dwight: Nine? You did it. You outwitted the fungus.
All: Woohoo!
Chinese Boy: Who needs girls?
Dr. Perceptron: Since you have all proven resistant to individualized hammer therapy, I now prescribe group therapy.
Rosie: Everything must be clean, very clean. That's why the dog had to die. He was a dirty dog. Dirty, dirty. Also, that boy, Elroy. Dirty, dirty.
Dr. Perceptron: Who would like to share their feelings?
Intercom Assistant: I feel unappreciated at work.
Dr. Perceptron: What? I can barely understand you.
Intercom Assistant: I said I feel...
Mad Hatterbot: Change places.
Roberto: Well, well. Looks like old Roberto is the focus of attention now. Stop looking at me.
Dr. Perceptron: Calm down, Roberto. Tell us about your childhood.
Roberto: I was designed by a team of engineers attempting to build an insane robot. But it seems they failed.
Convenience Store Bot: Um, actually...
Bender: Look, we have to accept the fact that we all have a serious problem.
Roberto: Amen.
Dr. Perceptron: Good, Bender.
Rosie: That's right.
Bender: There's a band of river trolls living in the moat and they may have no intention of letting us out of this castle, unless we hand over the Golden Scepter of Zanthor.
Roberto: Say what? Dude's crazy.
Dr. Perceptron: Bender, please, try to...
Bender: I know not of this Bender. I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood.
Dr. Perceptron: You are suffering a breakdown. I'm in your seat. I forgot we had changed places.
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
Amy: You perfected dog mascara?
Farnsworth: Far from it. If you ask me, they look like a bunch of hookers. But what I have invented is a means of locating the missing crystal. When I push this button, the crystal will emit a high-frequency stink.
Zoidberg: Hurray!
Farnsworth: There. Now, with any luck I'll detect it with my smelling aid. I just pray to all powerful Atheismo that we find it before Mom does.
Hermes: Do you smell the crystal, Professor?
Farnsworth: No, damn it! Just the alluring scent of Obsession for spaniels.
Dwight: Dude. Who whipped an egger? CubertHe who smelled it, dealt it.
Dwight: Well, he who denied it, supplied it.
Cubert: Well, he who articulated it, particulated it.
Dwight: Well, he who refuted it, tooted it.
Cubert: Stalemate.
Mom: Jesus craps. The anti-backwards crystal.
Larry: Ow! Ah... sorry?
Mom: Relax, it's not your fault. I can't believe it still exists. Google the hell out of that skanker. Planet-sucking-Express? Of course. How could I have been so dumb? With that crystal, Farnsworth could completely destroy my dark matter empire. I underestimated that sagging old bag of bones and gonads.
Inger: Is that man bad?
Mom: Very bad, Igner. And that's why I need you three to go steal the anti-crystal away from him. But be careful. You'll need all your stoogely cunning.
Walt: Exterminators.
Fry: Oh, great. What do we got? Wall gophers? Toilet snails?
Walt: No, I'm afraid you've got owls. Over there, see?
Igner: Ow!
Walt: Dump the bag, you nitwit.
Larry: Hey, watch it.
Walt: Quiet, you. Ow!
Fry: I was looking over there for a long time but I didn't see any... Oh, there they are. Gross.
Walt: We've got to act fast. Larry, get out the geigersniffer.
Larry: You're just gonna hit me with it.
Walt: No. I'm going to hit you with this.
Fry: Those three exterminators are hilarious.
Amy: Really? I don't think so.
Leela: Me, neither. Now, Sex and the City, that's funny.
Dwight: After wandering aimlessly in the swamp, you suddenly... wander aimlessly in the swamp.
Walt: There it is.
Cubert: Uh, excuse you.
Walt: I'm sorry, little boy. You see, we're owl exterminators.
Igner: We are owl extermin... Ow!
Walt: And what we have here is an owl egg that's about to hatch into an owl larva. So, if you don't mind, we'll just take this and...
Cubert: What are you, stupid? That's a dodecahedral crystal I found hidden in the downstairs walrus tank.
Dwight: And I wrote numbers on it so we could use it as a D12, 'cause I have the best handwriting.
Cubert: Do not.
Dwight: Do too.
Cubert: Do not.
Dwight: Do too.
Cubert: You win this round.
Farnsworth: What's going on here?
Igner: We're owl exterminators.
Farnsworth: Oh? Then you won't have any problem exterminating this owl.
Farnsworth: My anti-backwards crystal. So it's you three. I should have known Mom would send her brainless brood to do her dirty work. Walt, the leader among imbeciles.
Walt: Hey! They resent that.
Farnsworth: Larry, the snivelling middle child.
Larry: Sorry. Thank you.
Farnsworth: And you, Igner. The evil I could tolerate, but the stupidity...
<Poem>Igner: We're owl exterminators.
Farnsworth: Good God. Just knowing we're in the same genus makes me embarrassed to call myself homo. Now, get out and tell Mom thanks for the crystal.
Igner: Thanks for the crystal.
Fry: There. The repairs are complete.
Farnsworth: Let's go, already. We've got to infiltrate Mom's dark matter mine, now. How do you start this thing? Good Lord, woman. Can you move any slower? Rake up some dark matter and top off the tank.
Leela: Well, there isn't any dark matter. Nibbler hasn't pooped at all. And he ate a whole family of koalas last night. Nibbler! Nibbler!
Farnsworth: I'm not interested in the whereabouts of your cutesy-fruitsy space rat. The only thing that matters right now is this crystal.
Leela: Ow!
Farnsworth: And be careful with that crystal.
[Scene: Bender is laying flat in a chair. He has mice and spiders crawling all over him, there is an alarm sounding off, the lights are flashing and there is a axe device swinging close to his head like a pendulum.]
<Poem>Bender: (Muffled chanting.) Death to ogres!
Dr. Perceptron: Even relaxation therapy has failed. Nurse, schedule a robotomy for Bender.
Nurse Ratchet: Yes, Doctor. I'll get the tools from the shed.
Dr. Perceptron: It's a very painful procedure. So until then, just try to relax.
Mom: What are you laughing at?
Larry: Your laugh. It's just so infectious.
Mom: So's herpes. Now, shut up! You and Walt, lead the killbots to the surface and blow Farnsworth out of the sky.
Walt: What about Igner?
Mom: That hairless ape? I swear. When he came out I flipped a coin whether to keep him or the after-birth.
Walt: Yes, Mother. You told that story at his graduation.
Mom: I'm afraid he can't be trusted on this mission. You see, there is a terrible secret about Igner I've never told anyone. And here it is.
Walt: Continue returning fire.
Killbot 1: What?
Killbot 2: What did they say?
Killbot 1: I don't know. I can't hear a thing.
Killbot 3: Hey, what's everybody talking about?
Farnsworth: Mayday! Mayday! Oh, God. I cannot believe this is the best plan I could come up with. We weren't actually in the ship.
Leela: Okay, team, these red-hot, razor-sharp fans are the only safe way into the mine.
Fry: Hmm, uh, ladies first. Phew! That blade missed me by the skin of my pants.
Elevator Steward: Maintenance shaft 7 serving...
Farnsworth: Shut your mouth.
Elevator Steward: I'm just talking about the shaft.
Fry: Jeez, doesn't that shock collar hurt?
Leela: Actually, feels kind of good. I guess I'm starting to associate it with the pleasure of beating people up.
Walt: We shot them down, Mother. The intruders never even got to Sector 1.
Security Woman (On Pa): Intruders in Sector 15. Intruders in Sector 15.
Mom: Ugh... Sometimes I don't know why I even bother to slap you. (on PA ) All Killbots to Sector 15.
Killbot 1: What did she say?
Killbot 2: What did you say?
Fry: There are so many killbots behind us I can't count them all. Three, I think.
Leela: We're trapped.
Farnsworth: The main pit must be in here. I'm detecting vast quantities of Dark Matter.
Leela: Step aside turkey-neck. I think I know the code.
Farnsworth: We're in. We're in the heart of the mine. The very source of all Mom's wealth and...
Leela: My God! This isn't a crap mine. It's a crap farm.
Fry: Is there really so much of a distinction? I mean...
Nibbler: (From offscreen ) Leela, it's me, Nibbler.
Leela: Oh, my God, you look horrible, Nibbler. I think I'm going to vomit.
Nibblonian: Nibbler is over there.
Leela: Oh, sorry. Nibbler!


Morbo: Previously, on puny Futurama. Mwaah!
Bender: Foolish leprechaun, I scoop your treasure in the name of the fancy men.
Fry: Bender, I think you might be playing too much Dungeons & Dragons.
Bender: I know not of this Bender. I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood.
Dr. Perceptron: Please, send in the patient.
Bender: Wee!
Farnsworth: The collar will be triggered any time your thoughts turn to violence.
Leela: Ouch!
Fry: Jeez, doesn't that shock collar hurt?
Leela: Actually, I guess I'm starting to associate it with the pleasure of beating people up.
Morbo: Mom, you control the world's only dark matter mine.
Leela: My God! This isn't a crap mine. It's a crap farm.
Leela: Oh, my poor little snuzzy-wuzzams. Are they treating you okay?
Nibbler: No, they are force-feeding us so we poop more dark matter. It's horrible. Those are good. You've got to help us.
Nibblonians: Help us!
Nibblonian: Help us, for God's sakes!
Leela: Nibbler made a bo-bo.
Nibbler: But not on my terms. I will not be treated like... Hey, wait, aren't you amazed I can speak?
Fry: Well, actually, no. You forgot to blank our memories after you spoke last time.
Nibbler: Then why did you let me eat Friskies and make bo-bo in a litter box?
Fry: Well, you're cuter that way.
Farnsworth: Cute as a baby's buttocks.
Leela: So what happened? How did Mom capture all you Nibblonians?
Nibbler: It all began 36 years ago... Now! On the planet Vergon 6. (VO ) It was a veritable Eden, brimming with unique and irreplaceable species. Most of which were delicious. I was Supreme Fuzzler of a Nibblonian scientific outpost. It was paradise, until they came. One of your DOOP ships struck dark matter, little realizing it was not a natural deposit, but rather centuries of Nibblonian fecal material.
Fry: The big faecal enchilada. Anyone else hungry?
Nibbler: The DOOP contracted a ruthless businesswoman to spearhead the mining operation.
Leela: Let me guess. Mom?
Nibbler: The very same.
Fry: Can I also guess Mom?
Nibbler: To reduce cost she started a new enterprise, Mom's Friendly Robots, to build robot slaves. Remember this was back in the days before Robot Lincoln.
Mom: Faster, faster!
Robot Slave: I'm going exactly as fast as you built me to go.
Mom: Oh, wise guy, huh?
Robot Slave: Ow!
Nibbler: Eventually, the planet was mined down to a hollow shell and my people were forced to evacuate. Alas, I had eaten a day-old Swinosaur for lunch. And while doing some evacuating of my own, I was left behind. [He makes noises that often accompany bowel movements. Mom is watching him Mom So, that's where it comes from. We may have a whole new source of Dark Matter on our hands.
Igner: Eww!
Nibbler: As it turned out I was the lucky one. Unbeknownst to me, Mom captured my colleagues and enslaved them here in this... this... crap farm.
Nibblonian: There's nothing to do but eat and crap, eat and crap. It's like visiting my parents.
Nibbler: As for me, I emerged from behind the "bush of many uses" to find I had been left behind. I was doomed, doomed.
Leela: Hello, there.
Nibbler: Startled, my cuteness reflex kicked in.
Leela: I'll call him Nibbler.
Nibbler: A silly name for a high-ranking Fuzzler. But, hey, I was glad to be rescued.
<Poem>Leela: But then, how did you end up here with the others?
Nibbler: I was kidnapped yesterday by Mom's vile sons in their moronic disguises.
Igner: I was an owl exterminator. Do you have the crysal?
Farnsworth: It's pronounced "crystal," you lump.
Igner: Go, run fast.
<Poem>Walt: Did you see anyone?
Igner: Me?
Walt: Yes, you. You're the only one here.
Igner: If I'm the only one here, then how could I see anyone?
Larry: He's got a point, Walt.
Walt: So does my knee.
Fry: This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the chickens.
Nurse Ratchet: Don't worry, those clamps are for my own protection.
Dr. Perceptron: Do you know where you are, Bender?
Bender: Sure do, I'm in the magical land of Cornwood, frolicking with wenches.
Dr. Perceptron: Close. You're in the loony bin for a robotomy.
<Poem>Nurse Ratchet: Can't you just use the access panel?
Dr. Perceptron: Either way is fine.
Bender: Does anyone else smell burning dragon beak?
Mom: Wherever you are, Farnsworth, my boys will find you.
<Poem>Walt: They've eluded us, Mother. But rest assured, we've already slapped each other, so there's no need to...
<Poem>Mom: You'll thank me some day when you are slapping your own kids. I know Farnsworth's game. He is going to try to poke his clammy old crystal at my hot fiery crystal.
Larry: Mom!
Mom: If the crystals get within six inches of each other... Wham! All my dark matter will be worthless.
Mom: Get them!
Leela: Ooh. That feels good.
Mom: Oh, for crying out... Oh, the freaking battery's dead. Walt, where's the charger?
Walt: In the hardware drawer, Mother.
<Poem>Mom: Damn tangled mess of wires.
Farnsworth: We're almost there. The crystals are beginning to engorge. I can't quite reach. Fry, grab onto my easy-fit waistband. Just a few more inches. Come on, really wedgie it on in there. So, that's why they call me the Catman.
<Poem>Mom: Nobody move. I've found the charger. Hang on. I'm on it. Okay, there!
Fry: Save us, Catman.
Mom: It's over, Hubert. Give me the anti-backwards crystal.
Farnsworth: Never!
<Poem>Mom: Oh, bravo. You're in a crap-harvesting factory, genius. Walt! Larry! Start harvesting.
Farsnworth: No!
<Poem>Dr. Perceptron: I will now delicately jerk out your imagination, severing fantasy's grip on your nerd-circuit.
Bender: Cornwood!
<Poem>Dr. Perceptron: Illogical. Illogical.
Nurse Ratchet: But, Doctor, I love you.
<Poem>Mom: Oh, what now?
Frydo: This is crazy. Ow! What the... You okay, Leela?
Leegola: I think so.
Frydo: Wait a second. Is there something different about your hooves?
<Poem>Leegola: Oh, Lord. I'm half-horse and half-naked.
Frydo: Where the hell are we, hell?
Frydo: Bender?
Titanius Anglesmith: I know not of this Bender. I'm Titanius Anglesmith. Welcome to Cornwood!
Titanius Anglesmith: Wretched peasants, put aside your cares and feast on the succulent flesh of the roast munchkin!
Peasent Cook: Care for a slice of scroto?
Frydo: Uh... that's his name, right?
Peasent Cook: 'Tis also that, sir.
Titanius Anglesmith: We're honored this eve by a visit from my friends of old, Frydo and Leegola. So let the dwarves do their gay dance and let the gnomes play their sissy piccolos. Dance! Dance, you little freaks. Faster. Faster!
<Poem>Dwarf: My ankle!
Titanius Anglesmith: To the kitchen with him!
Dwarf: Wait! Wait! Wait! I do impressions. Behold! The swamp hag "Get out of my swamp, you kids!"
Titanius Anglesmith: Don't let him get too crispy.
Calculon: Lord Anglesmith.
Titanius Anglesmith: You have ridden hard, noble squire. May I offer you a horn of ale and a shank of dwarf?
Calculon: 'Tis dire news, sire. Dark riders approach.
Titanius Anglesmith: You shall be handsomely rewarded, sir knight. We ride at once! Oops! Frydo! Saddle up that trusty steed.
Frydo: What's happening? And why am I enjoying it so much?
Titanius Anglesmith: Foul beast-bags! Meet thy doom!
Waltazar: Follow me.
Waltazar: Damn thee, Ignus.
Larius: Well, you said to follow you.
Waltazar: Well, now I say follow this!
<Poem>Larius: The Die of Power! He's rolling it.
Waltazar: Oh, no!
Titanius Anglesmith: I'm back bab-...
<Poem>Die Of Power: Seven.
<Poem>Titanius Anglesmith: "Banish foes"? Cool.
Waltazar: No! No!
Larius: I got to say, I had no idea the Die of Power was so powerful.
Waltazar: Did you have any idea of...
<Poem>Swamp Hag: Get out of my swamp, you kids!
Leegola: I can't believe I'm saying this, but that was really exciting. I've never felt so alive. What else can we slay? Is that a hobbit over there?
Titanius Anglesmith: No, that's a hobo and a rabbit. But they're making a hobbit.
Frydo: Thank God, an outhouse.
Titanius Anglesmith: Hush! This be no outhouse, but the lair of the great wizard Grayfarn.
Greyfarn: Who is it?
<Poem>Titanius Anglesmith: 'Tis I, Titanius.
Greyfarn: Just a moment.
<Poem>Titanius Anglesmith: Methinks the wizard be casting a powerful spell, indeed.
Greyfarn: Come in! Come in! Yes. 'Tis a powerful object in both our worlds. If you failed to destroy it in yours, perhaps you were brought here that you might have a second chance.
Frydo: So, this land is real?
Greyfarn: Oh, dreadfully real. If you die here, you'll really be dead. But instead of science, we believe in crazy hocus-pocus. It's like Kansas.
Leegola: God help us.
Greyfarn: Cornwood's troubles began hundreds or perhaps millions of years ago. (VO ) Deep in the Geysers of Gygax, Momon herself injection-molded the Dice of Power from the living plastic.
Momon (In Flashback): Damn, these are hot.
Leegola: Ah ha! In our universe she's called Mom.
Greyfarn: In your universe, are you taught not to interrupt? Evidently not. Anyway, Momon spawned three rotten sons, whom you've already had the displeasure of meeting. Waltazar, Larius, and the dumbest of all, the halfwit Ignus, bastard son of Momon and the brainless He-demon. Curse you, Momon, queen of all that is evil and not very good in bed. And I'm not just saying that because she dumped me. (VO ) Yes, I was once her consort. I was blinded by love, and later, scorpion venom. I'm blind! (Out of flashback ) But Momon has one weakness. She put too much of her power into this. The generalissimo of dice.
<Poem>Titanius Anglesmith: Well, bite my shiny metal face.
<Poem>Greyfarn: Don't be foolish, Titanius. If you had paid attention in freshman alchemy, instead of frequenting the bawdyhouse, you'd know there's only one way to destroy it. In the boiling plastic from which it was molded.
Frydo: Like that machine that makes wax lions at the zoo.
Greyfarn: Quiet, you. We must infiltrate the Geysers of Gygax, the impenetrable stronghold of Momon.
Titanius Anglesmith: Impossible. Impossible, I say.
Greyfarn: No, Titanius. For we maintain one advantage, the element of surprise.
[Scene: The crew is walking through a light forest.]
<Poem>Titanius Anglesmith: Verily, our quest has begun.
Hermaphrodite: Stop right there.
Frydo: Hermes?
Leegola: He's a centaur like me.
Frydo: You wish.
Hermaphrodite: I am Hermaphrodite, most beautiful of centaurs. Gaze upon me and weep at my loveliness.
Greyfarn: Very well.
Titanius Anglesmith: Loveliest of centaurs, we seek to end Momon's reign of evil. Have you stout fighters at your command?
Hermaphrodite: One thousand archers of truest aim. Fire!
Titanius Anglesmith: Hey guys, I forgot I had this pumpkin.
<Poem>Leegola: I knew it. My people are mighty warriors. Our enemies will be like Swiss cheese with blood coming out of the holes.
Female Centaur: We centaurs are creatures of peace.
Leegola: Oh, Lord.
Hermaphrodite: Violence is never justified. We shall not join your quest. And furthermore, if mayhem be your intent, you may not cross our lands.
Leegola: Or what?
Hermaphrodite: Or... Uh... Mmm?
Greyfarn: We're not there, we're here.
Titanius Anglesmith: No, this way.
Greyfarn: I mean, here.
Greyfarn: Thank you, kindly, Treedledum.
Treedledum: Okey-doke. Anything else I can do?
Leegola: You know who I'm gonna miss? That tree guy.
Greyfarn: Bad news, fancy men. Momon's guards stand watch at the pass. 'Tis as if she somehow anticipated us.
Titanius Anglesmith: And so our quest comes to an end. I only regret not giving up sooner.
Greyfarn: Fret not, Titanius. For we still have one hope, the Cave of Hopelessness.
Titanius Anglesmith: Let me know how that turns out.
Ogre: Halt. Are you on the list? I'm not seeing you on the list.
Leegola: I'll split this doofus in half.
Titanius Anglesmith: Wait, I got it. Yeah. My cousin's in the band. The band of merry men. Please, we were already in there. I just need to go back for my coat.
Gynecaladriel: I am Gynecaladriel, queen of the water nymphos.
Leegola: All right. I'll split this doofus in half.
Gynecaladriel: Stand aside and I will use my powers to overwhelm the guard. Behold, the deed is done.
Titanius Anglesmith: Hi oh!
Frydo: Mr. Wizard, why is this place called the Cave of Hopelessness?
Greyfarn: Oh, fear not, lad. 'Tis named for its discoverer, Reginald Hopelessness...
Frydo: Whew!
Greyfarn: ...the first man to be eaten alive by the Tunneling Horror.
Frydo: What's that? The Tunneling Horror?
Gynecaladriel: No, it's morcs.
Morcs: Hey, listen. Nanu, nanu. Shazbot.
Titanius Anglesmith: Oh, God, no. They're so aggravating.
Morcs: Oh, fantastic. Nanu, nanu. Reality, what a concept. Fantastic. Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.
Gynecaladriel: Shut up! Shut up!
Morcs: Oh, fantastic. Oh, fantastic. Oh, wonderful.
Frydo: Maybe it'll go away if we just don't laugh at it.
Titanius Anglesmith: It doesn't.
Morcs: Nanu, nanu. Oh, shazbot.
<Poem>Frydo: Well, at least we didn't have to face the tunneling whatchimacallit. Uh-oh.
Zoidberg: Enough already with the banging and the swashbuckling.
Leegola: Oh, I'm gonna enjoy killing you.
<Poem>Zoidberg: Watch where you're shooting that thing. Again? What, am I talking to myself over here?
Leegola: Mutilate!
<Poem>Zoidberg: Okay. Now, I'm getting a little mad even.
Leegola: I'll kill you and eat your heart, you abomination.
<Poem>Zoidberg: Don't make me laugh. The very idea that removing only one of my two hearts could... Hey, what are you doing down there? Now, I'm dead.
<Poem>Frydo: Leela, it's over. You killed him enough.
Leegola: I'm not taking any chances with the Tunneling Horror.
Zoidberg: What? I'm not the Tunneling Horror. I hate that guy. Always with the tunneling. Anyway, I'm dead.
<Poem>Leegola: So, you're just an innocent monster. Oh, God. What have I done?
Zoidberg: Oh! There he goes again.


Mom: Previously, on Futurama.
Fry: Bender, I think you might be playing too much Dungeons & Dragons.
Bender: I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood.
Younger Mom: A new super fuel, eh?
Mom: If the crystals get within six inches of each other... Wham! All my dark matter will be worthless.
Mom: Give me the anti-backwards crystal.
Farnsworth: Never!
[Scene: Cornwood]
<Poem>Titanius Anglesmith: Welcome to Cornwood!
Frydo: What's happening? And why am I enjoying it so much?
Leegola: I'm not taking any chances with the Tunneling Horror.
Zoidberg: I'm not the Tunneling Horror.
[Scene: In the cave, the Tunneling Horror is growling at the group, who scream back at it.]
<Poem>Titanius Anglesmith: The Tunneling Horror!
<Poem>Frydo: Why aren't you killing it, Leela? You love killing.
Leegola: No, no more killing.
Zoidberg: Oh! So, suddenly, Miss Goody Four-shoes over here doesn't kill anymore. She killed me not five minutes ago. What am I? Chopped liver?
Leegola: Shut up.
<Poem>Zoidberg: Ow! Stop chopping my liver.
Leegola: You're on your own. (Sobbing ) I refuse to hurt another living thing.
<Poem>Frydo: All right. I may be weak and I may be small, but I don't see how I can possibly destroy that monster. Guess I'll just huck whatever's in my pockets at him. At least I can say I tried.
Titanius Anglesmith: Any time now.
Frydo: The Die of Power. I forgot to remember to roll it.
Die Of Power: Three.
Frydo: "Grow?" I don't see anything growing. Everything is getting smaller. Ow. Wait a second. I'm big! In your face, everyone from middle school especially Jeremy. Wow, that was intense. You guys got to try the Die of Power.
Titanius Anglesmith: I'll take a hit.
Frydo: Hands off the dodecalicious.
<Poem>Greyfarn: Beware, Frydo. Don't be seduced. Hang on a second. Resist the allure of the die. For to defeat Momon, we must melt it in the super bombastic, bubbling plastic from whence it came.
Greyfarn: We must melt it in the super bombastic, bubbling plastic from whence it came.
Momon: I send you to kill them and they're not even maimed? That's what I get for sending boys to do a mom's job.
Larius: Sorry, Mom.
Momon: Sorry doesn't put heads on my table. Peaches. You're up.
Ignus: I like this part but I don't like...
Centaur Opponent: You are an able opponent, Hermaphrodite. But hear me well when I posit that we must abhor violence in all its forms.
Hermaphrodite: I offer a dissenting opinion.
All:
<Poem>Hermaphrodite: For abhorring violence is itself an act of violence and, therefore, to be abhorred. All bow before mighty Hermaphrodite. Ah! Don't hurt me.
Leegola: I'm not here to hurt you. Or anything ever again. Please, teach me the centaurs' ways of wimpiness.
Hermaphrodite: What do you offer in return?
Titanius Anglesmith: Yes! We made it out of that godforsaken cave. Now, what's the fastest way home? Back through the cave? Ow! Ow!
Greyfarn: We're close now, my friends. So close, I can practically feel the heat of the fiery molten plastic.
Gynecaladriel: You're standing in the fire.
Greyfarn: Oh, my. Alas, our path is blocked by Momon's army of evil. As well as her navy of moral dubiousness.
Titanius Anglesmith: Mayhaps we might raise an army of our own. We're but an hour's ride from Wipe Castle.
Greyfarn: Of course. Wipe Castle. And while we're there, we can get some of those greasy little dwarf burgers.
Gynecaladriel: Ooh! I love those. You can eat like eight of them without gaining any weight because of all the diarrhea.
Greyfarn: Sleep deep, fair snoozles. At dawn, we ride for Wipe Castle. Quiet, Frydo.
<Poem>Momon: We've got them now. Send all our forces against Wipe Castle.
Waltazar: Right away, Mother. I'll just leave a small contingent behind in case...
Momon: I said, everything. Peaches!
Peaches (Offscreen): I'm in the tub.
Momon: Waltazar, you and Larius shall lead the assault.
Waltazar: What about Ignus?
Momon: I'm afraid he can't be trusted on this mission. You see, there is a terrible secret about Ignus I've never told anyone. And here it is.
Momon: It's a good day to be evil. Oh, put a towel on, for crap's sake.
[Scene: Frydo ventures away from the camp to some rocks by the water.]
<Poem>Frydo: They all wants it. They wants the dodecalicious.
Reflection Host: Tell you what, you want to defend a magic artifact, and I mean, defend it good, then what you need is a top-quality knife.
Frydo: Me is listening.
Reflection Host: The Eviscerator is one of the finest, if not the finest, tactical folder on the market today. We're talking 440 stainless, quick release and... I don't believe this. Is this a stag horn handle at this price?
Reflection Host 2: It is, yeah. It's a stag horn.
Reflection Host: At this price? You have got to be kidding me. That's got to be some kind of mistake, right there.
Reflection Host 2: Now, you folks at home, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, that can't be stag horn. It's got to be the cheaper manticore horn. But, I've got the specs right here and I'll tell you what, this is the real deal.
Reflection Host: Unbelievable.
Reflection Host 2: It is unbelievable. That's exactly what it is. I mean, this is... I have no words to describe this deal. Honestly, have you ever seen stag horn at this price?
Reflection Host: No, no, I don't believe I ever have.
Reflection Host 2: 1101-1816 is the item number on this one.
Reflection Host: You know what, we're gonna have to put a clock on this deal, folks. Two minutes. Can I get a clock at two minutes up there?
Reflection Host 2: Two minutes at most. Honestly, I'd be surprised if they last that long.
Reflection Host: Oh, I'd be very surprised, shocked really. Now, I know the lines are busy, people, but keep dialing in if you want a truly exceptional knife to slice up your friends in their sleep.
Titanius Anglesmith: He tried to murder me. He tried... Woah, cool. Is that the stag horn?
Greyfarn: Alas, Frydo's weakness was no match for the die's strength. We can only hope he forges on alone to the Geysers.
Titanius Anglesmith: I can hope my ass is made of ice-cream but that don't make me a hot fudge sundae.
Greyfarn: As for us, we must press on to Wipe Castle, though the journey be long and I fear I may not live to see it.
Gynecaladriel: There it is!
Frydo: They's following us's.
Zoidberg Head: You know, you talk like that, it's gonna cost you points at a job interview.
Frydo: What does it wants?
Zoidberg Head: I thought I could help you destroy the die, maybe.
Frydo: (In his normal voice ) Yes, yes, please help me. The die is tearing me apart. (In his raspy voice ) No, it's not. We're having a nice time. (In his normal voice ) Shut up. (In his raspy voice ) You shut up. (In his normal voice ) S'all right? (In his raspy voice ) Who's a s'all right? (In his normal voice ) Help me!
Url: Now, before your audience with the king, there's a shocking fact you best know about him.
Titanius Anglesmith: Enough blabbety-blab! Open the doors.
Roberto: What, ho?
Titanius Anglesmith: We bring ill tidings, o fanciest of men. Momon's reach nears the die of power. And should she obtain it, she will then have the entire basic set. Rivers will run red with blood and yellow with urine. And a dog will be seen eating cat food in the land. Oh, great king, your army is the last hope of Cornwood. Let us join forces before the light of good is extinguished forever.
Roberto: You calling me crazy? Just 'cause I've got a hotel in my foot don't make me a boogalee-moogalee-moogalee.
Titanius Anglesmith: Pardon?
Roberto: Stop laughing at me, fried avocado.
Titanius Anglesmith: Moving along then. As the only nobleman present who's not... ...I hereby place myself in command of the royal army.
Url: What royal army would that be?
Greyfarn: What?
Smitty: King went insane and declared war on the scallops. Tied his army to a boulder and pushed them into the sea. They never returned.
Url: Scallops must've got them.
<Poem>Greyfarn: Oh, well. There'll be no epic battle today.
Titanius Anglesmith: Methinks we be boned.
Larius: Where's their army?
Waltazar: Maybe they didn't hear the horn. Blow it again.
<Poem>Url: Man, I'll show that cat how to blow.
<Poem>Titanius Anglesmith: Ow.
Roberto: What the... You're not made of Tuesday. My sanity. It's back. At last, I can live the life I always... AHH! Boogalee-moogalee-moogalee!
Man: Ow!
[Scene: Many centaurs, including Leegola and Hermaphrodite, are dancing to folk music in a room. Scruff is sweeping up their droppings behind them while mumbling and plugging his nose. Suddenly, an arrow flashes across the screen and lodges in the wall. The music abruptly stops and everybody gasps. Pan over the wall where the arrows land reveals the arrow struck a target labelled "War," which has never been used.]
<Poem>Leegola: What does it mean?
Female Centaur: Evil will soon triumph over good.
Hermaphrodite: Your friends face certain death. Followed by a disrespectful marionette show performed with their corpses.
Leegola: No! We've got to do something.
Hermaphrodite: Believe me, we will. We've taken out a sternly worded ad in tomorrow's Cornwood Times.
<Poem>Leegola: What a load of man-horse manure.
Hermaphrodite: Well, Leegola, if you have a better idea, perhaps you'd like to challenge me to debate.
Frydo: I'm too exhausted. I can't go on.
Zoidberg Head: I'm here for you, my friend. Grab onto my testicles.
Frydo: You know, I think maybe I can walk after all.
'Momon: (From the die ) That's not Wipe Castle.
Zoidberg Head: What are you waiting for, Frydo? Throw it already in the boiling plastic.
Frydo: I would. But... (In raspy voice ) Me's enjoys owning it.
Zoidberg Head: Stop talking like that. It gives me anxiety.
<Poem>Frydo: Ow!
Momon: No!
Die Of Power: Twelve.
Frydo: So, it's all come down to this. A dungeon and dragons.
Zoidberg Head: I didn't see it coming.
Ogres: Eat the wizard, eat the slut. Eat the robot's shiny butt
Gynecaladriel: Well, at least we'll be remembered in song.
Titanius Anglesmith: Wait a second. I have an idea. I surrender. Here, eat my friends. Just give me one more second of sweet, sweet life. Well, that worked out pretty good, eh, fellows?
Leegola: Prepare to fire again, brave cowards.
Hermaphrodite: I still say, I won the debate.
<Poem>Leegola: Fire.
Ogre: Wuh-woah.
Remaining Ogre: Whew!
Gynecaladriel: Leegola, you saved us. How can I ever repay you?
<Poem>Greyfarn: Frydo is fighting for his life. Quickly, to the Geysers.
Titanius Anglesmith: Can it wait a couple of minutes?
Greyfarn: Yes. Yes, it can.
Frydo: You are no match for my dragon style. I guess you are a match for my dragon style.
Momon: Tell me, Frydo, are you aware that a dragon's one weakness is its soft underbelly?
Frydo: No. Why do you...
<Poem>Leegola: Get my friend out of your mouth.
Titanius Anglesmith: It is all over, Momon. We'll soon be down there defeating you. And it's all thanks to the existence of this fragile staircase. Whoa!
Ignus: Quick. Get on the magic bug.
Greyfarn: It's not a magic bug, you dope. It's a magic arachnid. Can't you count the legs?
Ignus: No.
Greyfarn: Six, seven, eight. Not six, eight. I'll kill you, you imbecile.
Momon: My underbelly. My one weakness.
Zoidberg Head: I got it. Now I can throw it in the hot thing over there and be the hero. On the other hand, infinite power might be nice.
Ignus: Please, I'm trying to help you.
Greyfarn: Then why are you hitting me with a stick? How stupid are you that you think that's helping?
Ignus: Mommy never told you about my father.
Greyfarn: She said he was a foul He-demon.
Ignus: Exactly. You are my father.
Greyfarn: No. No, that's impossible.
Ignus: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
Greyfarn: No! No!
<Poem>Ignus: Ya-huh! I heard Mommy say so.
Zoidberg Head: I have all the dice. I am the dungeon master. I know all and see...
<Poem>Momon: Game over.
<Poem>Frydo: No! No!
Mom: What happened?
Leela: My God, we're out of that weird, crazy world and back in our regular crazy world.
Fry: Did we all just have some kind of freaky dream or was it ghosts?
Farnsworth: Neither, Fry. It was science. Bender's mighty imagination amplified by a dark matter resonance created an alternate reality that very nearly blew our minds.
Hermes: Exactly. You can't make that kind of stuff up.
Mom: Quit trying to explain everything. I defeated you in that world and I'll defeat you in this one. Boys, the crystal's still in his stomach.
Walt: Commencing intestinal flash flood.
Farnsworth: Wait! Before my moment of shame, can I...
Mom: Yes, speak up.
Farnsworth: Can I give my boy a hug?
Mom: All right. Fine. I've never done it. I guess somebody should.
Inger: Daddy.
<Poem>Farnsworth: Like father, like son, eh, boy?
Igner: We both eated the crysals.
<Poem>Mom: No. No!
Mom: My dark matter. It's worthless.
Farnsworth: That's right, Mom. But fear not, fancy folk for I've just thunk up an alternative energy source. Nibbler-power.
Nibbler: Hurray. Wait. What?
Farnsworth: Mush! Mush!
<Poem>Bender: Whip harder, Professor.
Farnsworth: Faster, faster. Slower.
Garry Gygax: Anyone wanna play Dungeons & Dragons for the next quadrillion years?


Seth Macfarlane (Singing): You and I will be reborn, In a future place and time, If everything our Hindu brethren say is true. In an age of things that hover, You and I will still be lovers, And we'll say to ourselves That was then and this is, too. 'Cause we'll still find the happening hot spots, We'll still cruise the cool casinos. You'll still fly me to the moon, Although the moon to which you fly me, Could be Phobos or Deimos. The psychic worms from Rigel Nine, Who control everything we do, Will make us think that was then, And 3010 is exactly the same as 1962. Don't expect any changes, my friend, That was then and this is, too.
Bender: Wow, Mars Vegas. Long live the eternal city.
Mr. Wong: Two, one, zero!
Bender: Rest in hell, Crapville!
Mrs. Wong: Out here in the desert, we're gonna build bigger, better Vegas.
Mr. Wong: Bathtubs size of oceans, hookers size of bouncers.
Bender: Hamburger!
Worm Announcer: Stand clear of the closing jaws.
Amy Wong: So what's gonna be over there, Dad?
Mr. Wong: That? That the oasis. Future site of Oasis Hotel. Take that, you stupid Mother Nature.
Frida Waterfall: Okay. Let's hit him hard.
Feministas: This land is your land. This land is my land
Fry: Who are you noisy women?
Frida: I'm Frida Waterfall, leader of the Greenorita Eco-Feminist Collective, and we will not let you man-doze this beautiful gyno-desert.
Mr. Wong: Well, I'm Leo Wong, and I say, "Boom!"
Frida: What happened to my femi-necklace? And where's my mega-fem?
Farnsworth: Is he badly hurt, Dr. Zoidberg?
Zoidberg: I don't quite know how to say this. (Sobbing ) Fry is dead!
Zoidberg: Wait, not dead. The other thing.
Mr. Wong: Damn eco-broads! You can't even spray for eagles without upsetting these kooks.
Leela: Now, hang on. Before you do construction, don't you have to make sure you're not harming any native species?
Mr. Wong: Already done! By top scientist.
Farnsworth: Err, what? Oh, my, yes. You've got the go-ahead, Mr. Wong. This place is deader than last year's cat.
Leela: No, it's not! There's precious life right here in this scum puddle.
Farnsworth: Ah! The desert muck leech. Amazingly, the entire species lives in this one tiny stink hole. (To Mr. Wong ) Killing these will be so much easier than exterminating those ponies.
Leela: Leeches may not be cuddly like pandas or tribbles, but these poor endangered creatures deserve... Get off me!
Bender: I'll get it with my trusty foot cups Stompy and Smashy.
Leela: No, don't kill it! We have to...
Mr. Wong: There. They're not endangered anymore. They're extinct.
Leela: No, they're not. I saved this one. And I'm gonna raise it and care for it, so the world will forever know what it's lost. You freaking slime wad! No. I killed it. It was the last of its kind. Let go of me, you... Poor thing.
Mr. Wong: Tell you what, Fry. You all promise not to sue me, I give you token for free entry in poker tournament. He took it, you all saw it!
Bender: Maybe we did, maybe we didn't. What's in it for me, Bender?
Mr. Wong: Okay, okay. Come back when New Vegas opens, I give you all free rooms, free dinner and free tickets to Celine Dion.
Bender: Lose the Celine Dion tickets and you got yourself a deal.
Mr. Wong: All right, damn it, done!
Bender: All right, I scored.
Zoidberg: Look out, Vegas, I've got a system. Oh. I'm bankrupt.
Fry: You said it, Hermes. He is pathetic, but lovable.
Hermes: Yup. What? I said no such thing, man.
Fry: I am not acting weird, Leela. Why is everyone talking at once?
Leela: Fry, calm down and stop braining.
Amy: Yeah, Fry, maybe you need to-
Fry: You're right, Amy! Maybe I do need some fresh air.
Bender: Man, I'm worried about him. But not enough to stop gambling for even a single second.
Three Leos On The Machine: You win, damn it!
Fry: Voices always yelling. Who - who said that? I'm not insane. Stop it. Stop talking in me!
Hutch Waterfall: Voices bothering you, man? You need one of these doodangs.
Fry (Over The Chatter): A foil hat? Of course, he likes pastrami. What about the dog's testicles? Hey, it worked. The voices stopped.
Hutch: They've got a huge selection of carburetors... Hang on. Hang on. That's better. My name's Hutch.
Fry: Hi, Hutch. So what's with the obnoxious, shrieking voices? Are my fillings picking up The View?
Hutch: No, man. Truth is, it's other people's thoughts. You're a mind reader.
Fry: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Although, actually, it was sort of obvious.
Hutch: You don't believe me? Take off the helmet.
Fry: I believe you.
Hutch: Seriously, do it. (Telepathically) Testing, testing. Do you read me?
Fry (Telepathically): Loud and clear.
Hutch: What?
Fry: I said, "Loud and clear." Only I said it with my thinker, not my talker.
Hutch: Whoa! Freaky. Why can't I read your thoughts?
Fry: I don't know. Wait. What's that about a secret society?
Hutch: Never mind that. Just keep the foil on and you'll be okay. Also, it'll keep the Dark Ones from incinerating your brain.
Fry: That's a plus.
Hutch: And don't ever, ever, ever tell anyone you can read minds, or the Dark Ones will get you like that. Hang on, pizza grease. Like that.
Clamps: I'd like to get my clamps on those. Give her a jump, you know what I mean?
Donbot: Whoa, whoa. Show some decorum there, Clamps. This ain't no strip show. This is a beguiling display of the pornographic arts.
Joey Mousepad: Yo, Skip, I can see a guy's butt.
Michael'S Wife: Oh, Michael, this is the perfect end to a perfect honeymoon.
Michael: I love you so much.
Bender: Is this seat taken?
Michael: Actually, we...
Bender: Slide me those chicken wings. So what part of Podunk you rubes from?
Michael: The north-eastern.
Announcer: Monsieurs et mademoiselles, our circus of the senses now arrives by steamboat in New Orleans, circa 2873. The muted lament of a trombone resonates through the fog, which lingers even now, months after the attack of the fog monster. With but one hope of restoring Gearoticus to his throne, our sensual fate rests in the gyrations of... Fanny.
Bender: Oh.
Fanny: Yes?
Bender: I'm Bender. Let's do it.
Donbot: Who is it, the Feds?
Bender: Aren't you the Donbot, head of the Robot Mafia?
Donbot: Allegedly. And this is my beloved wife, Fanny, whose honor I would proudly defend with a power drill. Well, I gotta go drown a stoolie.
Donbot: I'm gonna be in here a while, so do me a favor and drive my wife home. It's one of them self-driving cars, so just sit in the back and do whatever.
Fanny: Oh, Bender, your lips are intoxicating. It's like kissing an ashtray full of hot wings.
Bender (As If He Were Speaking Through A Fan): Aww yeahh!
Fry (Telepathically): My God, I really can read minds. I have a superpower! There must be something great I can do with this.
Fry: Hello, ladies, I can read your thoughts. Oh, wait, that's invisibility.
Fry (Telepathically): Poker. With my mind-reading abilities and my invisibility... Wait, no, just the mind reading. I can't lose!
Fry: Sign me up for the tournament, please.
Administrator: Okey-doke, Jiffy Pop. Entry fee's 50,000 smackers.
Fry: 50,000? Drat, all I have is my life savings and a token for free admission to this poker tournament.
Administrator: Close enough.
Amy: You're having an affair with the head of the robot mafia's wife?
Bender (Off-Screen): Yup, this is her I'm making out with.
Hermes: Bender, are you crazy?
Bender: No, it's Fry who's crazy in this one.
Fry: Psht, I'm not crazy.
Leela: You sure you're okay, Fry? You do have tin foil on your head.
Fry: So? You've got a leech on your neck. Oh, and speaking of sucking on your neck, want to go to a movie later?
Elzar: Hey, there! How are you folks doing tonight?
Bender: Great. What are the specials?
Elzar: We've got a wonderful grizzly bear that's been dipped in cornmeal and lightly tormented. Questions?
Amy: What was the bear's name?
Elzar: Jojo.
Amy: Ooh, I'll have him.
Bender: Hide me!
Joey Mousepad: Hey, Donbot, ain't that your wife what with you had that wedding with?
Fanny: Donbot, honey! What a pleasant shock! I was just having dinner alone, when suddenly you walk in on us.
Donbot: Alone, huh?
Bender: Where am I? I was exploring a wormhole through space many light years from this restaurant, when suddenly I was surrounded by darkness. (To Fanny ) Hot, sexy darkness. Oh, why, hello, Donbot! Hello, miss, have we met? I'm Bender. The world's most sexual robot. I mean, the world's most boundary-respecting robot.
Donbot: Nice to see you, Bender. Welcome back to our universe. Listen, sugar, I stuck up the Burlington Coat Factory and got you a little something. It's a $49 value.
Danny: Donbot, I love you! (To Bender ) Not really.
Bender: Man, this is great! I always wanted to nail a dame in a fur coat, and now's my chance. I mean, if you'll introduce me to one, sir. (To Fanny ) One as sexy as you, baby! Bender out.
Fanny: I never felt so alive, Bender. Listen, this turquoise-encrusted bra is worth 50 grand. Let's sell it and run off before the Donbot gets wise.
Bender: No. It will take a lot more money than that to make a girl like you happy.
Fanny: No, it won't.
Bender: Yeah, it will. Shut up! We'll run off, after I win the Universal Poker Championship! One entry, please.
Fanny: Bender, no! You're not lucky enough.
Bender: Oh, no? I'm 40% lucky. The scrap metal I'm made from included a truckload of horseshoes from the luckiest racehorses in Mexico, who had just been sent to a glue factory.
Fanny: They don't sound so lucky to me.
Bender: Not without their shoes.
Fanny: Here, Bendy, take this. It will give you 70% more luck. It's the Donbot's lucky robot's foot.
Bender: All right! With two kinds of luck, I can't lose.
Bender: No, wait, three. I stepped on a leprechaun.
Joey Mousepad: Yo, you see this over here over there?
Clamps: I'm powering up the clamps.
Donbot: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let us not rush to judgement.
Joey Mousepad: But, Skip, that was your lucky robot's foot what came off of your lucky leg.
Donbot: While it is true that I did wake up with only one foot this morning, there is no proof that my beloved Fanny was involved. Aside from the hacksaw I found under her pillow.
Clamps: Well, what about that Bender guy? You want I should give him the clamps?
Donbot: Not yet, Clamps. We are gonna sit tight and see if he wins the poker tournament. He does, that proves he's packing my lucky foot, in which event...
Clamps: The clamps! Or a clamp-like device.
Penn Jillette: Welcome viewers who fell asleep with the TV on! It's the 3009 no-limit hold 'em championship. I'm the massive head of Penn Jillette, and here with a color commentary, my partner Teller. Our act really didn't change much when he died.
Bender: Pardon me, I'm new to this game. Is this duffle bag big enough for all your money?
Fry: Bender? Oh, boogers. We're in the same tournament. Quick, get your entry fee back before I bankrupt you.
Bender: Pfft! In your dreams, nutloaf.
Fry: Bite my shiny metal hat.
Penn Jillette (Whispering): Tex Connecticut, the pride of Kansas City, first to act. Smiley Spiff, up next. Looks like Boobs Vanderbilt has a decent pair. Also, she's got two eights. And Bender Rodriguez picks up a lucky deal right off the bat.
Bender (Telepathically): Woo! Two aces. I'm thinking guitar solo.
Fry: He puts his hat back down.] I fold.
Penn Jillette: Holy crap! A stunning play by mentally ill newcomer Philip Fry. It's almost as if he knew Bender had two aces.
'Boobs Vanderbilt: Bender has two aces? I'm out.
Tex Connecticut: I'm out.
Lrrr: I'm out.
Bender: Suck my luck!
Donbot: See this gun? That's what I'm gonna do to Bender if he wins.
Lrrr: All in. Call my mighty bid at your peril. (Telepathically) My cards are awful, and I need a hug.
Fry: I call your bluff.
Lrrr: I shall annihilate... Fry hugs him.] (Sobbing ) I just wanted to make my daddy proud.
Lrrr'S Father: Well, you didn't. I want you and your junk moved out by Monday.
Penn Jillette: It's getting pretty intense, folks. Based on the state of decomposition of Teller's head, we're now in hour 19 of the tournament. And the first bad deal of the night for Bender.
Bender: Hey, pal, help me out here. This is the worst possible hand, right?
Tex Connecticut: I'm all in.
Bender: All in! I mean, fold. Whatever.
Penn Jillette: Well, Bender's luck just ran out. No card can save him from elimination.
Boobs Vanderbilt: Oh, my gourds! He's dead.
Leo Wong: 21, winner!
Bender: Wooo! I'm so full of luck, it's shooting out like luck diarrhoea.
Penn Jillette: Wake up, poker fans! We're down to our final two players in heads-up action for the Championship. Your perspective, Teller?
Bender: All in.
Fry: But-but, you didn't even look at your cards!
Bender: Looking at one's cards is a crutch for players who rely on skill.
Leo Wong: Any day now, Fry. You in or out?
Bender: What's the matter, Fry, you scared? Or just crazy?
Fry: All right, all in. Yes! Four aces!
Bender: Ah-ah-ah. Read 'em and weep, and then tell me what they are.
Leo Wong: Two kings. And with three on the board, that gives Bender five kings.
Fry: But how is that...
Penn Jillette: I don't believe it. Bender has just been dealt the King of Beers, a coaster from the bar that somehow got mixed into the deck. But it still counts!
Leo Wong: Bender win the Championship!
Bender: That's some good money.
Fanny: You did it, Bender. You're the greatest.
Bender: Tell me something I don't know, sweetass. Now, let's boogie. We'll be in Space Tahiti before the Donbot knows what hit him.
Donbot: Now I am suspicious.
Bender: Okay, we finished digging this shallow grave. Can we go now?


Hermes And Zoidberg: Previously, on Futurama.
Hutch: You need one of these doodangs.
Fry (Over Chatter): A foil hat?
Hutch: Truth is, you're a mind reader.
Fry: Oh, my God!
Amy: You're having an affair with the head of the robot mafia's wife?
Bender: Okay, we finished digging this shallow grave.
Fry (Sobbing): Poor Bender left me one last voicemail before the Robot Mafia buried him in the desert.
Bender (On Cell Phone): Fry, old friend, before I die, I just wanted to say... Hang on, I'm getting another call. Hello?
Hermes: Line up, people! Everyone take a shovel and one sixth of the planet. We'll meet back here in 50 years, our bodies broken and our lives wasted.
Zoidberg: And you say these are free shovels?
Bender: I'm back, baby.
Fry: Bender! I thought the Robot Mafia killed you.
Bender: Nah, they just shot us and buried us a few times as a warning.
Fanny: Bender was so brave. He never stopped making out with me the whole time they were shooting us.
Bender: I sure didn't.
Fanny: I gotta get back to my husband, baby. Will I see you tonight?
Bender: Probably not.
Mr. Wong: It's a 14-footer with a clown hazard. What club you recommend, Baggy?
Baggy: As on every hole, I suggest the putter.
Fry: Your golf club sure is classy, Mr. Wong. Naked statue classy.
Leela: It is very nice. I just wish Amy and I didn't have to wear these sexist badges on our melons.
Amy: We're lucky even to play as guests, Leela. Dad's club has a very strict "No girls allowed" policy.
Leela: That doesn't seem fair.
Amy: It really is. Everybody knows women don't have the focus to play miniature golf at a professional level.
Leela: But that's the best shot of the day!
Mr. Wong: Is that my ball? I think that my ball.
Amy: Pfft, great putt, Dad.
Mr. Wong: Okay, we're done.
Leela: Mr. Wong, how do you keep this place so green in the middle of the desert? Doesn't that waste a lot of water?
Mr. Wong: Nah, we got plenty water, pumped directly from flamingo lake. They'll be fine.
Mr. Wong: Oh, yeah, I love miniature golf. Love everything about it, except how damn miniature it is. That's why I'm building the universe's biggest miniature golf course.
Mr. Wong: This the first tee.
Fry: Where's the hole?
Mr. Wong: On Pluto's moon, Hydra. It's a six-billion-mile par-two. Tough shot, even for a man. (Leo VO) Around the sun. Bank off Jupiter. And right into the... I'll be right back. It dropped in! Put me down for a two.
Amy: Two.
Mr. Wong: Keep in mind, that just the first hole. For full course, we gonna bulldoze this entire arm of the Milky Way.
Leela: What? You're gonna wipe out 10% of the galaxy for a stupid golf course?
Mr. Wong: First of all, it 12% . Second, yes, you betcha.
Leela: But you have no idea what life forms might be evolving out there.
Mr. Wong: That's exactly why I'm hiring an impartial scientist to perform an environmental survey. That's him in the money shower.
Fry (Vo): Delivery boy's log. Having fallen asleep on what I thought was the toilet, I awoke to find the environmental survey in progress.
Farnsworth: Status reports, Science Officer.
Bender: Zilcho. No sign of life or intelligence. (Telepathically) Just like Fry on a date.
Fry: Hey!
Leela: Okay, so we haven't found any life yet. I still don't see why you men can't be happy with regular-sized miniature golf.
Farnsworth: Leela, evolution has programmed our fabulous male brains to take anything anybody else thinks is important and make it bigger. Have you seen my new 301-inch TV?
Announcer: Hypnotoad is brought to you by the MagnaPhallix 302-inch TV. It's bigger!
Farnsworth: Oh, hell!
Bender: Captain, I'm detecting life on the Spock-o-scope!
Leela: It's amazing. It's like a textbook on evolution.
Fry: Except in Kansas.
Bender: But isn't Mr. Wong building the 18th hole here? And the golf pants museum?
Farnsworth: Indeed so. This whole area will be incinerated when he implodes that sun there into a black hole.
Leela: That beautiful violet star?
Farnsworth: It's so you can't keep your ball at the end of the game.
Fry: Yo, that's messed up.
Leela: There won't be any imploding once they read our environmental review. Right, Professor?
Farnsworth: Ohh, twaddle-squat. There's no scientific consensus that life is important.
Bender: Yeah. Life, schmife.
Clip Board: Approved for demolition.
Leela: It's you and me, ponytail.
Guard: We're here, Mr. President.
Richard Nixon'S Head: Arroo! Let's play some mini-golf.
Nixon: Just give it a light tap, Agnew. No, no, no, just a light...
Zoidberg: Now for a triple clam dip, with a double - OW! OW!
Nixon: Tough luck, Agnew. Looks like you and Wong owe me a Charleston Chew.
Feministas: Shut up and hear our wisdom. Save the ecosystem. Shut up and hear our wisdom!
Nixon: What gives, Wong? You said no chicks allowed.
Frida: We are the Greenorita Eco-Feminist Collective, and we will not let you...What was it again?
Leela: We will not let you implode the violet dwarf star at galactic coordinates 167.84, -58.03, mark 948.
Mr. Wong: Already approved, you cackling hens. So get out, or I'll have vice-president Agnew's headless body throw you out.
Leela: I'd like to see him try.
Nixon: Me, too. Should look funny. Sic 'em, Agnew.
Nixon: Runaway golf cart!
Leela: Look out, Agnew!
Nixon: Whoa!
Mr. Wong: Aah!
Leela: Is... is he okay?
Mr. Wong: No pulse.
Nixon: They killed the headless remains of Agnew. Arrest them!
Frida: All Feministas she-vacuate the premises. I mean "femises."
Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, these eco-crooks will face the maximum sentence. For killing a headless torso, that's six weeks.
Bender: Well, this is embarrassing. Here I've been blabbing on for years about killing all humans, and who actually does something about it? Some chick.
Fry: Leela's not a killer, and she's not some chick. She's the chick I love. And don't tell her I called her a chick, or she'll kill me.
Frida (Through Her Megaphone): Everyone stay absolutely quiet!
Feminista: That thing's on. Shh!
Feminista: Turn it off!
Frida (Through Megaphone): Oh, sorry.
Frida: How do you turn it off?
Frida (Through Megaphone): There. Did that do it?
Others: No. Stop it. Shut up.
Frida: Here's the button here. (Through megaphone) And I think I... Now I got it.
Leela: Let me give you a hand.
Frida: This is awful. I never meant for our protest to have any effect.
Trixie: Maybe we should just surrender and serve our six weeks in jail.
Dixie: Hey, yeah! We could do each other's toenails and make shivs.
Leela: That's crazy. We've done nothing wrong, other than killing and dismembering the vice-president. We need to make a choice, sisters. We can either keep pestering criminals like Leo Wong with silly slogans...
All: Yeah. Let's do that.
Leela: Actually, I meant that to be the less preferable alternative. We can either chant slogans or we can take action.
Dixie: What was the first choice again?
Leela: I choose to save the environment by sabotaging Leo Wong's golf course. Who's with me?
Frida: Could we still use our bullhorns?
Leela: Absolutely. Bullhorns are a core principle of eco-feminism.
Frida: Then I'm in.
Leela: Who's ready to kick some sweaty man-butt?
Dixie: I've got my pointy man-kicking shoes on.
Trixie: Those are cute.
Dixie: Aren't they? I got them at Nine West.
Leela: Simmer down, warriors. Full power to the vagyroscope!
Mr. Wong: Those dirty rings. I tried soaking them out, even blasting them out.
Frida: Are you sure about this? It would be better for propaganda if we weren't using refined sugar.
Leela: It's okay. The potato we're shoving in the tailpipe is organic.
Mr. Wong: I smell sabotage. Ooh, and potatoes.
Leela: Now, unfortunately, the media is going to put a negative spin on this, like when we killed that guy, so to win public support, we'll need a lovable mascot.
Zoidberg: Squirm all you want, you nasty dumpling. One less species for the universe, one more breakfast for...
Leela: Zoidberg?
Zoidberg: Leela. Me saving things the leech. Not the eating of it.
Leela: Zoidberg, I'm very surprised at you, slightly.
Fry: Psst! Leela.
Leela: Shh! I'm a fugitive.
Fry: I know. I miss you so much, Leela, even more than when you were here.
Leela: I miss you, too, Fry. And you probably think what I'm doing is wrong. But it's something I really care about...
Fry: You don't have to explain, Leela. You're you. That's all I need to know.
Leela: Goodbye, sweet goofbag.
Bender: I'll miss her, too, buddy. Dibs on her iPod.
Zoidberg: Dibs on her- ohh...
Hutch: Hey, Fry! Long time, man.
Fry: Hey, Hutch! What have you been up to?
Hutch: Same old, same old. Searching the dumpsters, protecting my thoughts with tin foil, peeing myself.
Fry: So, what brings you to Earth?
Hutch: It's top secret. Hey, take off your helmet and I'll think it to you.
Fry: Okay. Here goes.
Fry: Where are you? And me?
Hutch: The Great Hall of the Ancient Legion of Madfellows. Welcome, bro.
All: Welcome, bro.
Hutch: Sorry I bashed your head in, buddy, but I had to. You see, the fate of the universe depends on you.
Fry: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Hutch: The Grand Curator will tell you more.
Fry: Take me to him.
Nine: Hey, man.
Fry: Hey.
Nine: So dig this, Fry. Our commune has been monitoring the universe's life energy for, like, a really long time, and we're grokking some super weird junk.
Fry: Um, I don't mean to be rude, but it's kind of hard to take you seriously when you say junk like "grok" and "junk."
Nine : What about "commune"?
Fry: Especially "commune." Come on, it's the fate of the universe, puff it up a little. Like you could say your ancient order is sensing deep upheaval in the cosmic life energy field.
Nine: Okay. I'll try. So, like, a really, really long time ago... Eons ago! Cool. Eons ago, the life force we call Chee permeated the universe. The Green Chee generated a great upwelling of life across the cosmos. But then, for reasons unknown...
Fry: Ooh. "Reasons unknown." Now that's the sort of hook that grabs the attention of me, the viewer.
Nine: For reasons unknown...
Fry: Nice.
Nine: ...the Chee began to recede, and the diversity of life began to wither. The life forms we know today are but a fraction of a fraction of the magnificence that once existed.
Hutch: But a bunch of dudes, right, they totally passed this far-out knowledge down through the ages.
Nine (Vo): Some with this knowledge were called prophets, some, fruitcakes. We, the Legion of Madfellows, are their heirs.
Fry: Hey, I'm on TV.
Nine: Well, that's the show.
Fry: Neat. What's it got to do with me?
Nine: Ahh, pooperdoodle! I mean, pardon the omission. You see, after untold eternities, we have sensed a resurgence in the Chee.
Fry: Hey, that's the violet dwarf star that Leela wants to save.
Hutch: Freaking nailed it, corndog.
Nine: We believe this star heralds a new green age, and it's your destiny to be its shepherd and protector.
Fry: Me? Why?
Hutch: 'Cause you got, like, no delta brainwave, man. The Dark Ones can't groove off your thoughts.
Nine: Silence, Hutch! For now, let's just say we have enemies, enemies who can read minds, except yours.
Fry: Cool. I can't wait to tell Leela.
Nine: No! If you tell anyone, then their thoughts could be read. For the sake of those you love, you must keep this secret. Do you foot-swear?
Fry: Oh, okay. I foot-swear.
Nine: Good. Now, to save the coming of the green age, you must stop this man.
Fry: I know him. Leo Wong. I work with his daughter.
Nine: Oh, good, that will cut about 15 minutes of explanation. You must gain Wong's confidence, infiltrate his organization and prevent him from destroying the violet dwarf.
Mr. Wong: Looking for a job, eh?
Fry: Yes, sir. Nothing fancy. I'm willing to start at the bottom and infiltrate my way up.
'Mr. Wong: Sorry, no openings right now. (Telepathically) What I need is security guard to keep nutcases out of my office.
Fry: I'm good at keeping nutcases.
Mr. Wong: I said no way. (Telepathically) This idiot don't look like he could handle those feministas.
Fry: I look like an idiot who can handle those feministas.
Mr Wong (Telepathically): He'll have to do better than that.
Fry: I'll have to do better than that.
Mr. Wong: Hmm. You and I think a lot alike. You really think you can stand up to those eco-freakos?
Fry: Sir, with me around, they'll be the least of your worries.
Tester: Stand by, men. And manly aliens. Prepare to test fire King Kong hole.
Sal: It workses.
Tester: Good job, men. And manly aliens. Construction of King Kong hole complete.
Frida: Typical. Always King Kong, never Queen... Quong.
Sal: What are those, hooks? Get out of heres, you hookers.
Sal: Helpses!
Leela: You go, gorilla !
Morbo: Our top story. The string of eco-vandalism that began with a harmless vice-presidential killing has spread across the galaxy.
Linda: Why do you always get to read the top story, Morbo?
Morbo: Because viewers trust a deep male voice and huge, throbbing forehead veins.
Linda: Not all reaction to the crime spree has been negative. We spoke with several people who viewed these courageous eco-feminists as heroes.
Petunia: I just wish there was some way to... Excuse me. Some way to show I support 'em. Send them some smokes or something.
Linda: This just in Root 2 News has received a video communique from the eco-feminists' unknown hideout.
Leela: This is sub-commander L., with a message for Leo Wong. Leo, you're a parasite on the universe, and parasites must be destroyed. That's why we've adopted this parasite as our mascot. I know it's a little confusing. The point is, even this vicious leech has a right to exist. And that's why a vicious leech like Leo Wong must be exterminated. Again, confusing. Feministas unite!
Morbo: In other news-
Linda: Feministas unite!
Linda (On The Tv): Feministas unite!
Nixon: Incredible. Absolutely incredible. You're telling me this TiVo machine can pause and rewind live TV?
Mr. Wong: These crazy broads gonna ruin me, Nixon. You gotta help me. Send the army or something. Something big that shoots.
Nixon: Sir, I don't care if you are my biggest contributor. Our armed forces do not serve your private business interests.
Mr. Wong: Sorry, I...
Nixon: I'm just yanking your chain, Leo. I'm on it like boring on Gerry Ford.
Zapp Brannigan: Zapp Brannigan purporting for duty. For the love of God, Kif, less piccolo, more fife.
Nixon: Report, Brannigan.
Zapp: Mr. President, I failed to identify these curvaceous banditas despite hours of staring at their dossiers. Yet, I seemed to have stroked myself upon good luck, for a patriot of the highest order has volunteered to lead us to them.
Bender: Hey-oh!