Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Remember when you asked to see my family tree?
Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, Hermes, Amy, And Fry: No.
Farnsworth: Ta-da! This is my ancestor Philo Farnsworth, inventor of television and, as a bonus, childhood obesity. And here's Dean Farnsworth, developer of the Farnsworth test for colour blindness. Where is he, blast it?! And, just recently, I learned of a modern-day Farnsworth, who invented the anti-senility truss.
Leela: That's you, Professor.
Farnsworth: Wha?! Ah, yes. The Farnsworths boast a proud and distinguished lineage. No wormy fruit on this tree.
Amy: What about Fry? Isn't he your distant uncle?
Farnsworth: Very distant. Not a true Farnsworth, mind you. He's way over here on this filthy branch riddled with fungus and dung beetles.
Fry: What's with the seventeen dung beetles?
Hermes: Well, it's six o'clock. I guess we'll have to deliver that Human heart tomorrow. Good work, people!
Bender: Woohoo! Time to go clubbin'. Baby seals, here I come.
Fry: Guess I better head over to my night job.
Leela: You have a night job?
Fry: Yup. It's exhausting, but I need the extra money to buy coffee so I can stay awake for my night job.
Leela: But-
Fry: Gotta go!
Fry: Woo!
Dr. Cahill: You've got a surprising amount of algae in your beard, Mr. President. Just sit still and let the algae eater do its work.
Abraham Lincoln'S Head: Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Lay off my trademark mole.
Dr. Cahill: Hi, Lars.
Fry: Fry.
Dr. Cahill: Whatever. I'm heading out to my night job. Remember No loud noise, no head bowling, and no parties. Or it'll be your ass in a jar!
Fry: I wanna go to that museum!
Bill Clinton'S Head: Man, this place is a snooze. Hey, Fry, I challenge President Taft 'ere to a pie-eatin' contest.
William Taft'S Head: You're on, skinny!
Fry: Sorry, guys. You know the rules. "No fun allowed."
Andrew Jackson'S Head: Come on, you pansy! I'm thirsty. I want me some Tennessee loopy juice!
Warren Harding'S Head: And I want loose women. The kind that aren't afraid to show a little ankle.
James Madison'S Head: Or elbow.
Fry: No visitors! I'll lose my job.
Rutherford B. Hayes' Head: Oh, boo-hoo! I'll lose my minimum-wage job.
Fry: You're mean, Rutherford B. Hayes!
Franklin D. Roosevelt'S Head: Listen here, young man! We have nothing to fear but running out of beer.
Fry: Alright. One small get-together. But let's keep it quiet and dignified.
Zoidberg: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Bender: Woohoo! Yeah, alright!
Scruffy, Leela, Hermes, And Bender: Four more beers! Four more beers!
Amy: Yes! Right in the ike!
James Madison'S Head: Nice elbow action.
Hermes: So... You grow hemp?
Thomas Jefferson'S Head: Yes.
Hermes: And... You do what with it?
Thomas Jefferson'S Head: All manner of things. Manufacture paper, fabric, rope...
Hermes: Oh. Well, nice talking to you.
Thomas Jefferson'S Head: Why, I used to smoke about four feet of rope a day.
Hermes: Let me give you my pager number.
Farnsworth: Hey, Reagan. Remember when you asked to see my family tree?
Ronald Reagan'S Head: I asked you to leave me alone.
Farnsworth: The Farnsworths are a remarkable-
George Washington'S Head: Farnsworth?! That name is a stain on American history! One of the worst traitors of the Revolution was a Farnsworth!
Farnsworth: You're lying!
Leela: He's George Washington! He tends not to do that!
George Washington'S Head: David Farnsworth was a notorious British agent and counterfeiter. He conspired to bring down our nation with his fraudulent currency.
Farnsworth: A Farnsworth did this?! Oh, dear! My good name is ruined!
Gerald Ford'S Head: Hi! I'm Jerry. I like movies.
Bender: Anyone seen Ulysses Grant? He owes me a cheroot.
Leela: He's over there, pukin' in the Bushes.
George H. W. Bush'S Head And George W. Bush'S Head: No!
Fry: Oh, boy.
Dr. Cahill: Mr. Fry! Why are all these people standing around? When they should be partying!
Amy, Bender, And Hermes: Alright!
Zoidberg: Hey, hey, LBJ. You wanna get drunk?
Lyndon Johnson'S Head: Oh, hell, yeah. Whoa!
Farnsworth: Zoidberg, no! The effects of jar juice aren't fully understood!
Zoidberg: Uh... Not bad. A hint of vitalis and-
Amy: I recognise this! It's the 1960s! I did a report on it for my drug-taking class.
Blond Man: Hi. I'm Andy Warhol and you're some kind of... Marvellous lobster man.
Zoidberg: Right on! Say, you got any real soup or just this schlock?
Andy Warhol: What a horrid bore.
Farnsworth: Ooh.
Amy: Wha?
Zoidberg: Far out! That head gave me a total head trip!
Fry: Really?! I'm gonna lick Herbert Hoover's head!
Zoidberg, Leela, Amy, Hermes, And Several Heads: Lick the head! Lick the head!
Bender: Whoa! A speakeasy. One prohibited beverage, please.
Bartender: Hey, Dutch. The new still is here.
Bender: I'm not a still! I just smell like one!
Male Voice: Dutch Schultz, come out with your bootleg whisky. We're thirsty!
Hermes: What the heck is goin' on?! Jefferson, did you sell me some bad rope?!
Farnsworth: It must have something to do with the jar fluid. Aha! Dr. Cahill, do I detect a trace of opal essence?
Dr. Cahill: Very observant, Professor. To preserve the heads, we use a rare form of powdered crystalline opal. This is the world's entire supply. Yet it's so powerful, it should last a thousand years. It keeps the heads alive, but... We don't know how.
Amy: Why did it give us those hallucinations?
Farnsworth: Because it didn't!
Amy: Uh... Yuh-huh!
Farnsworth: Opal has unusual temporal properties. It preserves each head in a time-stasis bubble. Ergo, licking those heads actually sent us back in time to their original eras. Look!
Zoidberg: Fuh! Schlock and more schlock!
Dutch Schultz: Pssst! Is the coast clear?
Bender: Button your yap, you mug!
Farnsworth: I've discovered a new means of time travel! I'll call it the Farnsworth effect!
George Washington'S Head: Nice try. But even this discovery won't undo the treachery wrought by your nefarious ancestor David Farnsworth.
Farnsworth: It will if we go back in time and stop him!
Leela: Professor, no! You can't tongue the father of our country!
Fry: Where are we? Also, when are we?
Farnsworth: 68th and Broadway, colonial era. Rush hour.
Farnsworth: By my calculations, this head trip will last, at most, 24 hours. We need to stop that monster, David Farnsworth!
Leela: Look at the date on this newspaper. April 17th, 1775.
Farnsworth: Say, on this exact date, the Continental Congress was meeting secretly in New York. Maybe they can help us.
Bender: But they could be meetin' anywhere! What are we gonna do? Search building to building?
Farnsworth: We'll start with that one.
Thomas Jefferson: Alexander Hamilton of New York, how say you?
Alexander Hamilton: Nay.
Thomas Jefferson: John Hancock and John Adams of Massachusetts?
John Adams: Yay.
John Hancock: Yay.
Thomas Jefferson: The yay's have it. Our nation's official joke state shall be New Jersey. Uh-oh.
John Adams: Ah, 'tis just our new Crockpot.
Bender: Watch it, Wiggy! I ain't no stinking crock!
John Adams: We'll see about that in five hours.
John Hancock: Halt! From whence commeth thou, one-eyed maiden!
Leela: Uh, ever been to Peru?
John Hancock: Certainly not!
Leela: I'm from Peru.
Farnsworth: Clam up, founding fathers! We need help locating the treacherous forger who forged this forgery!
Thomas Jefferson: My word! If these enter circulation, our economy will be destroyed! And with it, our chance at independence!
Alexander Hamilton: Only one man in the colonies has a printing press fine enough to make these. Our good friend, Ben Franklin.
Leela: Uh-oh. Isn't Franklin in Philadelphia?
Thomas Jefferson: When he's not in Charlotte, or Maribel, or Louisa!
Fry: I don't get it.
Farnsworth: I'm sure no one's ever said this before, but I must get to Philadelphia as quickly as possible!
Farnsworth: Oh! Why couldn't my disgraced ancestor have lived in the NASCAR era?!
Woman: Dr. Franklin, your new steam engine is here.
Bender: I ain't no stinkin' steam engine! Chicken's ready.
Benjamin Franklin: You may go, Louisa.
Fry: Now I get it!
Benjamin Franklin: Fascinating. Be you man or machine?
Bender: Mostly machine. Might be a couple dead cats in there.
Farnsworth: Dr. Franklin, with all due respect to the brilliant inventor of the... stove, I must speak with you. I'm looking for the scoundrel who made this!
Benjamin Franklin: Intricate filigree, satanic symbols, looks like one of mine. But no! This is a fake!
Fry: Duh! It says "Colony of Maffachufetts"!
Bender: More like "Taxachufetts"!
Benjamin Franklin: That's just how we print S's, you "ƒtupid ƒhitheads"! Someone must've used my press while I was poking around in Charlotte. Let's ask my apprentice, David Farnsworth.
Farnsworth: Farnsworth?!! That's him! Arm yourselves!
Benjamin Franklin: I call it "the Franklinator".
Benjamin Franklin: The apprentice's suite is empty! He's gone!
Farnsworth: Wait! What's that glistening in the chamber pot?
Bender: Let's find out.
Leela: Bender, do you know what a chamber pot is?
Bender: I don't know and I don't care!
Farnsworth: A Massachusetts hapenny?
Bender: Probably fake, too. There's one way to find out. What?
Fry: Bender bent a poo penny! Bender bent a poo penny!
Benjamin Franklin: Look! 'Tis but worthless tin!
Farnsworth: Where could Farnsworth have minted such a high quality fake?
Benjamin Franklin: Not here. But, you know, I have a friend in Boston who's an expert silversmith. They could be connected. There's only like forty people who do anything around here.
Farnsworth: But Boston's 300 miles away and Bender kicked our horse to death! We'll never get there in time! Unless you have another "invention" up your sleeve! Foh!
Benjamin Franklin: Hmmm...
Bender: How's this going to get us to Boston?
Bender: Stupid Franklin-
Paul Revere: Ah, that scrap metal I ordered is here.
Bender: I'm 40% scrap metal.
Paul Revere: Well, Ben Franklin, my fellow Son of Liber- Tea kettles, heh. Yes, I've made some new tea kettles. Perfect for special occasions. Like hanging King George in effigy- and H and I are monograms you can put on those tea kettles. Whatta you looking at, you British bastards?!?!?!
Benjamin Franklin: Paul, we talked about this.
Farnsworth: Mr. Revere, we're looking for a counterfeiter who minted these smelly hapennies. His name is David Farnsworth.
Paul Revere: Farnsworth? I just hired him for the fall candlestick rush. He's in the foundry this very moment!
Benjamin Franklin: Everybody take a Franklinator.
Fry: Aw, I gotta chipmunk.
Leela: Hee-ya!
Professor Farnsoworth: David Farnsworth, I presume?
David Farnsworth: I'm David Farnsworth.
Farnsworth: Fuff! You're a disgrace to the very name Fowvwuh!
Fry: Look out! He's got a bezeling planisher!
David Farnsworth: 'At's right! 'Oo wonts ta be bezel'd?!
Bender: You idiot, I'm not a cannon!
Bender: Oh, I guess I am a cannon.
Farnsworth: Time to prune the family tree! Huzzah! I've saved the Farnsworth name!
Man: An urgent message for Mr. Revere!
Paul Revere: Mr. Revere, pray, do not 'ƒhit' your pants. The British attack has begun. Cross the river and watch for my signal. I must ride.
Leela: He has so much stuff. He won't miss this.
Farnsworth: Let's burn these counterfeits and paddle the next swan boat the hell out of Boston.
Fry: Here you go.
Farnsworth: Thanks. Say, where did you get that lantern?
Fry: From that old church to the north. They had two burning, so I figured they wouldn't miss one.
Paul Revere: One if by land. Two if by sea. The British are coming! The British are coming! By land! By land! Gotta treat this OCD. Gotta treat this OCD.
Farnsworth: Fry, you dope! You've really screwed the granny this time! History needed that second lantern!
Leela: We better stop Paul Revere before-
Leela: I guess everything worked out jolly oll right, eh, guv'nor?
Bender: Wot's with th' fruity accent, ducky? Bollocks! Ah've got it, too!
Fry: Where's all th' Presidents' heads, then?
Farnsworth: Ah say, appears we've changed 'istory too much, disahster of nightmarish proportions an' wotnot. Quite.
Hermes: Where 'ave you blokes been? You nearly missed elevenses.
Amy: Who's for tea and shmavories?
Bender: Wot in bloody 'ell's goin' on aroun' 'ere ah says?
Farnsworth: Indeed. Wot's become of the dear old USA?
Amy: Beg pardon?
Farnsworth: The Revolution? 1776 and wot all?
Hermes: Oh, the Colonial Desktop(?). Well, there's nuthin' we Brits enjoy more dan a good document'ry. Turn on the televiser, Dr. Zoidsmythe.
Zoidsmythe: I'll dial up the Beeb. They've always got a nice doccy-woccy on.
Narrator: The Vanquished Pride of the Yankees, or America the Dutiful! North America or Wes' Britannia as we now call it, has been under British rule for fourteen-hundred years... all thanks to a nutter known as "Wrong Way Revere".
Animated Revere: The British are coming, by land, by land! Heh heh heh heh!
Narrator: But we came by sea, we did. Surprised the Yanks at Lexington ending the Rebellion with narry a kipper scuffed.
Amy: Scuffed kippers, anyone?
Zoidsmythe: Right kind of you, mum.
Narrator: The humiliated conspirators were forced to sign the Declaration of Dependence, proclaiming British rule forever. Meanwhile, a loyal Brit by the name of David Farnsworth tracked down the traitor George Washington and bravely smothered him with his wig.
Farnsworth: Oh, criminy!
Narrator: In gratitude, King George named Farnsworth a duke and granted his family massive land holdings in the colonies.
Farnsworth: Blimey. I've never felt so ashamed to be a Farnsworth.
Scruffy: Will m'lord be returning to his massive land holdings for luncheon?
Farnsworth: Huh-woh?
Leela: I know we're ladies-in-waiting but what are we waiting for?
Farnsworth: How should I know? Just shut up and wait!
Bender: Say, how is it that we've got socialized medicine bot me teeth still loo' like this?
Fry: Con't we just go back in time an' set things roight again?
Farnsworth: Don't want to. Rather nice living under the crown and so forth.
Zoidsmythe: Rather.
Farnsworth: Wot's more, couldn't go back even if we wonted to. No more crystalline opal left in all the world, don't you know.
Scruffy: M'lord, the Queen is here for 'er, eh, weekly, irrrrr, visit.
Farnsworth: The Queen? Sounds most satisfactory. All of you out!
Bender: Right, then. Let's go play some quoits...wotever that is.
Squire: Presenting the Queen of England, America, and two parking spaces in Tokyo.
Queen: Where's me consort at?
Farnsworth: C-C-Consort?
Queen: That's right, luv. Fer cent'ries, a Farnsworth gentleman 'as provided service to the Queen. Now close yer eyes an' think of England!
Farnsworth: Ah say, what's that in your crown?
Queen: You mean Andamooka Opal? Why, it's th' most precious gem in all th'-
Bender: Yes! Three rubbers on the hob!
Queen: Stop him! He crowned me in th' knickers an' nicked me crown!
Smitty: Freeze or we'll be forced to continue chasing you since we don't carry guns!
Url: Indubitably.
Leela: We've got to go back in toime an' set things straight! 'Urry up an' lick Washin'ton's 'ead again!
Bender: We can't! There's no George Washington nor any other Presidents.
Fry: Wot about this bloke? 'e's from Revolutionary times.
Farnsworth: Farnsworth!
David Farsnworth'S Head: Hey! Yer the plaunkers wot candlesticked me! Well, ah showed you! Ah killed George Washin'ton an' now I'm married to one of the Spice Girls! Don't rightly know which one.
Farnsworth: Bender, fetch me that powdered opal!
Farnsworth: It's time to restore dignity to the Farnsworth name!
Fry: There. That time, I left both lanterns in place.
Farnsworth: And I hit Farnsworth much, much harder. Eh, perhaps too hard.
Leela: Look! All the Presidents are back! Even John Tyler!
John Tyler'S Head: That's the first time anyone's spoken to me in twelve-hundred years.
Farnsworth: Yes, from Chester A. Arthur to Chester Z. Arthur, they're all here. Our republic and the Farnsworth family name are saved. And no one will ever know.


Yancy Fry Sr: Double time, soldier. I want this ice-fishin' operation up and runnin' by oh-eight-hundred hours.
Fry: It's too cold, Dad. My teen region is freezing off.
Yancy Fry Sr: You dunno what cold is. I once survived an entire week trapped in a Swiss glacier, eatin' nothin' but frozen Neanderthal. To this day, I can't stand the taste of early hominid.
Fry: Let's just get inside the shack.
Yancy Fry Sr: Hold, maggot!
Fry: Ow!
Yancy Fry Sr: Remember the code o' the ice! Thick an' blue, tried an' true. Thin an' crispy, way too risky.
Fry: Shows what you know. Crispy doesn't even rhyme with risky. Help! I'm drowning!
Yancy Fry Sr: Don't worry, son. You'll freeze before you drown.
Fry: I love ice fishing.
Farnsworth: I shouldn't be out in this cold. I 'ave no protective fat, hair, or warm blood. I'm not even legally a mammal.
Fry: Pfff! You dunno what cold is. I was frozen for a thousand years.
Bender: You were?! Uh. Learn somethin' dumb every day.
Paper-Hatted Salesman: Live bait!
Paper-Hatted Salesman: Get your live bait here. Whoa! Fresh-killed bait!
Amy: Can we get inside the shack? I'm wearing a belly parka!
Leela: If I understand ice fishing, and I'm pretty sure I don't, we'll need to laser-blast a hole in the ice.
Fry: No. No crazy technology. Here. Bender, use your immense Robot strength to drill a hole the old-fashioned way.
Bender: I don't see any irony in that.
Fry: And... Woilà!
Fry: Everybody's ice-fishing! How come nobody's ice-fishing?
Bender: Hot-cocoa break.
Fry: Cocoa is for yodelling babies. If you're sober, it isn't ice fishing.
Fry: Mom, what's my temperature?
Mrs. Fry: Fifty. Forty-five. Forty. It's all over! Woo! Down at the 35!
Fry: I'm really sick.
Mrs. Fry: Huh? Oh, sorry. Hundred-an'-nine. We'll check again at half-time.
Yancy Fry Sr: You home from school, you traitor?
Fry: I fell through the ice! Cut me some slack!
Yancy Fry Sr: Nobody cut me any slack when I broke my spine. Didn't even take a day off o' work. Lotta people depend on you when you sell trampolines door to door.
Yancy Fry Jr: Here's your homework, ya lucky knob.
Fry: And, with a little more luck from my seven-leaf clover, I might get sick enough to miss the whole semester.
Yancy Fry Jr: Hey, give me that!
Fry: Ooh.
Yancy Fry Jr: Come on.
Fry: No.
Yancy Fry Jr: Give it to me, ya faker!
Fry: No. You're not gettin'- Ow! My underbite!
Yancy Fry Sr: Come on, Yancy! Your brother's sick! You'll never have a better chance to take 'im out.
Fry: Dad! Nerd Search '88? What's this?
Yancy Fry Jr: Some stupid science contest for smart wads. NASA's gonna pick one kid's experiment to launch into space.
Fry: I can make a space experiment. I just got a new thing o' glitter!
Yancy Fry Sr: I'm not sure science is your thing, seein' how that chimp at the zoo tricked you outta your allowance.
Fry: Yeah, well, I'll show you. And Mr. Bananas. Anyway, I've got nothin' better to do while I'm sick in bed. Wait. That's it! I'll make a space experiment about the common cold! Where's that contest flyer?
Yancy Fry Sr: You're holdin' it, genius.
Fry: Oh, good.
Fry: I feel awful. But it was worth it to catch an' kill this baby fish.
Amy: Shmeez! What's with the shmiffling?
Fry: It's nothing. Just a common cold.
Zoidberg: Wha?
Bender: It's a common uh?
Hermes: Wha?
Leela: What the hell's a common cold?
Bender: Is it valuable? Could it be taken from you if you were, say... Unconscious?
Farnsworth: A common- A common cold?! No! No! Ever since Fry first came to us, I've lived in mortal terror that this would happen!
Leela: I never heard you mention that.
Farnsworth: Oh, I try to act cool, but inside I'm freaking out!
Fry: It's just a cold! What's the big deal?
Smitty: This is the police. An unknown pathogen 'as been detected on these premises. Come out with your hands- I mean... Stay in with your hands up!
Url: You are hereby quarantined until such time as it is deemed safe to enter and shoot your asses.
Farnsworth: Eh, now, now. Let's not all panic at once. We'll have to take shifts. Hermes, you'll take the first six hours.
Hermes: Very well.
Farnsworth: Louder! Louder! Crybaby.
Fry: Look I just 'ave a common cold! It'll be gone as fast as I can sneeze, hurl, and squirt it out.
Farnsworth: No, it won't! The common cold died out five-hundred years ago. And, subsequently, Humanity lost all resistance to its ravages. But the virus survived in you... Frozen for a thousand years.
Fry: Huh. So it was hiding deep down inside o' me? Like my skeleton bones?
Leela: Give it to us straight, Professor. How incredibly deadly is it?
Farnsworth: We don't know. It could kill millions or nobody. I suppose it might even bring a few people back to life! Anything is possible in science.
Amy: Oh, no! I've got it too! My nose is all gunked up with blork!
Hermes: And I've got a hankerin' for a useless remedy created by a schoolteacher.
Zoidberg: Uh-oh. I think I'm getting swollen glands.
Amy: Ew!
Hermes: Oh!
Farnsworth: Oh!
Leela: Screw the quarantine! I'm outta here!
Female Cdc Scientist: Initiate containment procedure.
Leela: Ah! Ow! Oh!
Male Cdc Scientist: G'wan now.
Farnsworth: Now I'm sick! I shudder to think what this cold will do to me. Yesterday, I was nearly killed by a tight hat!
Bender: I'd be remiss if I didn't rub your goopy noses in the fact that I'm immune.
Farnsworth: Which is why we'll all be counting on you and you alone to nurse us through this catastrophe.
Bender: Why, God? Why 'ave I been singled out?
Fry: Everyone just calm down and make yourself a tissue walrus.
Yancy Fry Sr: Damn it, son. Lose the tissues. You're ruinin' Thanksgivin' dinner.
Fry: I'm busy with my space experiment. I can't devote precious brainpower to blowing my nose.
Yancy Fry Sr: You're never gonna win that science fair, Philip. Face it Someone with your limited brainpower'd be lucky to get a job as a pizza delivery boy.
Mr. Panucci: Hey, Barack! Pizza goin' out. Come on!
Barack Obama: Man, I've got to go back to law school.
Fry: Pfff! I'm not gonna wind up a loser like that guy.
Yancy Fry Jr: Sure you will. You're gonna lose the science fair. And that's who's gonna beat ya. Josh Gedgie, boy scientist.
Josh Gedgie: Pi over four radians of pizza, please.
Mr. Panucci: What is that? About a slice?
Josh Gedgie: More like exactly a slice.
Fry: Game on, Gedgie.
Yancy Fry Jr: Ew!
Yancy Fry Sr: I've 'ad worse. When I was shot down over Korea, I had to eat Kimchi. He was our interpreter.
Bender: Coming!
Bender: What now?
Amy: Humidifier.
Bender: Fine. Yes?!
Leela: Where's that chicken soup we asked for?
Bender: Chicken. Water. Fire. You take it from there.
Hermes: This is torture. The fever. The chills. And the sweating! Amy's horrible sweating!
Bender: That's it. I'm leavin' while I still 'ave my dignity. See you in the obituaries!
Male Cdc Scientist: How's the... Uh... Containment holdin' up?
Female Cdc Scientist: Without turning my head, I'd say one-hundred percent.
Bender: Howdy, folks. And may I say, "Nice work keepin' those sickos penned up." Put 'er there. You too, buddy. An' you. An' you. An' you. An' especially you.
Fifth Cdc Officer: That Robot was a heckuva nice feller.
Fry: You'd better stay here during biology. Mrs. Jenkins dissects anything smaller than a fifth grader.
Josh Gedgie: Well, if it isn't Grandmaster Phlegm. I heard you're enterin' the NASA science competition.
Fry: Maybe I am... LL Fool J!
Josh Gedgie: So what's your project? The effects of losing on idiots?
Fry: No! I'm gonna infect my guinea pig with the common cold and launch it into space to see if it gets cured by cosmic rays!
Josh Gedgie: Lame! Though the common-cold virus does seem like a judge pleaser. I think I'll steal that an' do an experiment that's slightly less... Very stupid!
Fry: But that's my idea! You are an evil, evil nerd!
Josh Gedgie: Gedgie out!
Fry: We'll show him who's stupid.
Morbo: Linda?
Linda: Morbo. The so-called common cold, introduced by living fossil Philip J. Fry, is spreading out of control. All citizens are advised to wash their hands thoroughly after beating up Philip J. Fry.
Fry: Phew! Lucky I'm safely locked up here with you guys.
Amy: There 'e is!
Hermes: Get him!
Fry: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! What are you-
Morbo: The situation is expected to deteriorate as newscasters whip the city into a panic.
Morbo: Run! Run for your lives!
Linda: And, finally, the heart-warming story of a handicapped magician who didn't know when to give up.
Zapp: I don't like the looks of this, Mr. President. Shall I switch it off?
Richard Nixon'S Head: Negative. Rose Mary, release the Surgeon General!
Woman: Get in there!
Wernstrom: Ow! It's bright out here.
Richard Nixon'S Head: Wernstrom... The quarantine 'as failed. Give me a worst-case scenario. And make it grim.
Wernstrom: I've prepared some projections. Should the virus escape Manhattan, this is how far it will spread in twelve hours. This is twenty-four hours. This is a Verizon coverage map. And, in thirty-six hours, it will have infected the entire planet!
Richard Nixon'S Head: Options?
Zapp: We 'ave only one option. Protocol sixty-two.
Richard Nixon'S Head: Not possible. We don't 'ave nearly enough piranhas!
Zapp: Then protocol sixty-three it is.
Hermes: Hooray! They're letting us out!
Zoidberg: And hundreds of black hovercopters are coming to welcome us!
Hermes: They shrink-wrapped the hole city! Well, it could be worse. It is worse!
Zoidberg: They're flying Manhattan into the Sun! They must've been outta piranhas.
Hermes: They're gonna kill the virus by exposing it to the heat of our burning bodies!
Farnsworth: I'm just glad I have my wool scarf.
Fry: What good is a wool-
Bender: Guys! Guys! You're never gonna believe this!
Amy: We know! They shmooped up Manhattan and blasted us toward the Sun!
Bender: They did? Aw! So that's why this was unguarded.
Wernstrom: People of New New York, this is Surgeon General Ogden Vernstrom.
Farnsworth: Wern-strom!
Wernstrom: No doctor likes hurling his patients into the Sun, but, since there is no way to make a vaccine for the common cold-
Farnsworth: There is a way to make a vaccine!
Fry: There is? Yay!
Farnsworth: Of course, there's a catch.
Fry: Woo!
Fry: Woo! Yay! Yay! So what's the catch?
Farnsworth: The vaccine requires the original, unmutated, 20th-century cold virus. So I need to grind you into a paste.
Leela: Professor, no!
Fry: It's okay, Leela. This is all my fault, sort of. If this will save you, then, please, turn me into a virus milkshake.
Farnsworth: He consented! You all heard it!
Yancy Fry Sr: Yes, sir. Many of these entries merit a ride in the mighty bosom of our space shuttle. And then there's your so-called entry.
Fry: Jeez! Walk much, Gedgie?!
Josh Gedgie: Absurd. You really think your guinea pig could survive in the vacuum of space?
Fry: He already survived in the vacuum of my mom. I mean, "My mom's vacuum."
Josh Gedgie: My experiment measures the effects of microgravity of the propagation of the common cold virus in an anaerobic environment; i.e., space. Impressed?
Yancy Fry Sr: Damn right I am. That's some dry, emotionless science. Nice job, son.
Fry: Hey, wait a second! I know where you can get some 20th-century cold virus without killing me!
Farnsworth: Hush, lad. I'm totally in the zone.
Fry: We just 'ave to find the Nerd Search '88 satellite!
Farnsworth: I don't know why I even build these things.
Leela: Gunnery Chief Bender, blast us out of quarantine.
Bender: Aye, aye, lady.
Farnsworth: Oh, fiddlepoop! Our weapons aren't strong enough to puncture a thin plastic tent that thick?!
Leela: No. But theirs are!
Kif: Captain, a ship is attempting to break the quarantine.
Zapp: Blow them to baco bits with a well placed warning shot!
Kif: But-
Zapp: Oops.
Fry: We'll find that cold virus. The Nerd Search satellite was launched on the space shuttle and released into orbit.
Leela: Hmmm. All ancient satellites were swept up as space junk in 2113. I actually knew that offhand. I'm Facebooking right now.
Farnsworth: Aha! That satellite was scuttled on Enceladus, Saturn's main dump moon!
Fry: Let's dump it up!
Leela: This is the exact location of the dump. But there's nothing here.
Bender: Can we please go home an' die now?
Farnsworth: I'm with Bender. Whatever was here's been covered by centuries of ice buildup.
Fry: No! It's under here somewhere. We just 'ave to bust our way down. Remember the code of the ice. Thin an' crispy, way too risky.
Leela: I found a satellite!
Fry: Let's just hope the experiment's still in here. Yes! We're saved!
Man: And now, to present the awards, our very special guest. He walked on the Moon and now he is judging a high-school science contest. Truly a man who can and will do anything... Dr. Buzz Aldrin!
Buzz Aldrin: Wow! I could've used an introduction like that when I first met the Moon men! But, seriously, there are Moon men. Okay. This year's Nerd Search runner-up is a young man who devised a way to add and subtract in zero gravity. Vijay Patel and his calculator space hat!
Vijai Patel: Woo! Woo!
Buzz Aldrin: And now the grand-prize winner whose experiment will be launched into space.
Yancy Fry Sr: Look at that cocky smirk. My money's on Gedgie.
Fry: Yeah? He may 'ave brains, but I 'ave heart.
Buzz Aldrin: Josh Gedgie!
Yancy Fry Sr: I'll bring the car around.
Farnsworth: What a well prepared virus culture. This will make a fine vaccine.
Fry: Good thing Gedgie won. My dumb experiment wouldn't've lasted an hour in space, let alone a thousand years. Besides, Buzz Aldrin ran over my guinea pig in the parking lot.
Farnsworth: Eh, okay. Uh, come on, gang. Let's go inoculate everyone and cram Manhattan back into its rightful hole!
Farnsworth: This may hurt a little.
Wernstrom: Ow!
Farnsworth: Now, I'll give you the shot.
Leela: You saved millions of lives, Fry. You should feel proud. No matter what your dad said to you.
Yancy Fry Sr: You still 'aven't thanked me for pullin' you outta the lake, soldier.
Fry: I could've flip-flopped out.
Yancy Fry Sr: I know that. Look, son. I know I give you the business sometimes. But, if I'm hard on you, it's only 'cause I want you to grow up strong and resilient. Someday, you may face adversities so preposterous, I can't even conceive of them. But I know you'll pull through and make me proud. I love you, son.
Yancy Fry Sr: Now, bundle up. I don't want you gettin' frozen.


Fry: Bucket of hot dogs?
Cubert: Check.
Fry: Butt massager engaged?
Bender: Check.
Fry: Then let the video games begin! Wait. Hang on. I- I lost my controller.
Cubert: There is no controller. The X-Cube tracks your motions with a built-in camera.
Bender: Oh, yeah? Track this motion.
Cubert: Frykowski. BenderIsGreat34. Follow me!
Bender: Sounds like fun on the bun.
Cubert: Aw! You guys again?!
German #1: Ach! These dorkeschoens. Let's humiliate them with slingshots.
Fry: Shoot your weapon, Private!
Bender: Wait. How do I- Hold on. Oops.
German #1: Sorry to kill und run, but I really must be Göring.
Fry: Man!
Bender: Pwned again.
Cubert: This is all Bender's fault. Admit it! Your reflexes suck!
Bender: Aw... It's true! My circuitry's twelve years outta-date. I can't keep up with today's high-speed, top-o'-the-line kids.
Fry: You can't even keep up with me and I'm some sort o' stone-age throwback.
Cubert: You know... I might be able to speed up your reflexes by overclockin' ya.
Bender: Eh... What's that, sonny? You say it'll put some whoopiee in my cushion?
Cubert: This may take a while. I've got to adjust the memory timing, raise the CPU voltage, and delete twelve terabytes of outdated catchphrases.
Bender: Sounds like fun on the bun!
Female Voice: Deleted.
Bender: Oh.
Leela: Fry, can we talk about our relationship?
Fry: Of course. Our relationship is the best thing in my life, so I'm sure I'll enjoy talking about it with you.
Leela: I dunno. I guess I'm just feeling uneasy about us being so on-again, off-again.
Fry: Maybe it's none o' my business, but, if it were up to me, we'd be on all the time. An' I mean all the time.
Leela: But what would that be like? I mean... If we were together, where would we be ten years from now? Still here?
Fry: Definitely. Or... Somewhere else.
Leela: Maybe I'm havin' some kinda... Early-life crisis, but... Look Don't you ever wonder about the future?
Fry: Well, sure, but... You're always in it. Also, sometimes, terminators.
Cubert: Alright. You should run a lot faster now. Unless you die.
Bender: Woo! I'm smart! I know how to spell aardvark. February is the shortest month. There's three-thousand-eighteen jelly beans in that jar.
Cubert: Damn, I'm good.
Bender: I mean three-thousand-eighteen rat kidneys.
Cubert: Now, then, my man. Let's see if your reflexes are-
Bender: Faster!
Cubert: Get 'em! Get 'em! Get 'em!
Bender: Eh, foreign aggressors. Vhat's up?
German #1: Oh, we were just eating spaetzle and listening to Kraftwerk- I- I mean, "Fire!"
German #2: That tap-dancing, decadent jazz baby is too fast for us!
German #1: Let's see him outrun a V-2!
Bender: It's my brains against your von Braun!
German #1: Ach! I could have fired a V-8!
Walt: Those guys normally stink. That's why we play them exclusively.
Larry: Those cheaters must've cheated!
Walt: Now, Larry. Let's deal with this like mature adults. Mommy!
Mom: What is it, you colicky bastards?!
Walt: We were playing video games and the other kids didn't play fair!
Mom: What?! Nobody rips off my kids but me! We can find out who they are through their motion-capture camera. It better not be those little Korean girls again. Aha! Got it!
Bender: Woo! We're the greatest! Mostly me!
Mom: Bender Rodríguez?
Walt: But he's a stock MomCorp bending unit. And 'e's twelve years out-of-date. How could 'e possibly play that well?
Bender: Did you see me?! History came alive an' I killed it!
Cubert: If I overclock you some more, maybe we can beat those Korean girls!
Mom: Well, well. That nerd burglar overclocked the Robot's processor!
Larry: And that voids his warranty. Even an idiot like me knows that.
Mom: An idiot like you knows nothing! What matters is... It violates the licence agreement. And that means I've got 'im right by his little-
Smitty: Ding dong. I'm sayin' "Ding dong" 'cause you don't 'ave a doorbell.
Cubert: Hey, pigs.
Url: We're lookin' for a Cubert J. Farnsworth.
Cubert: You're porkin' at 'im!
Smitty: You're under arrest for felony violation of the MomCorp licence agreement.
Farnsworth: What's all this oinking about?! Who called the fuzz?!
Url: Sir, who's this boy's legal guardian?
Farnsworth: You're porkin' at 'im!
Url: Then the charges apply to you too.
Farnsworth: Wha?
Mom: Farnsworth?! What a lucky break!
Mom: After all these years, I've got 'im! And legally too!
Larry: Even an idiot like me knows he'll be ruined.
Mom: An idiot like you is correct!
Farnsworth: You overclocked Bender?! What did I teach you about tinkering with machinery?
Cubert: How. You taught me how.
Farnsworth: I also taught you not to get caught! Oh, I wish I'd never cloned you.
Cubert: It's not my fault! I didn't even know Bender had a licence agreement!
Farnsworth: Neither did I- Ooh.
Farnsworth: Bender, as my newest employee, could you bend this drinking straw for me?
Bender: Sure. Let me just.
Mom: First, click the licence agreement, deary.
Farnsworth: I really shouldn't agree to things I don't understand, but I'm slightly thirsty.
Farnsworth: Oh, God! I clicked without reading!
Cubert: An' I slightly modified a thing that I own!
Farnsworth: We're monsters!
Walt: Congratulations, Mother. Can you die happy now?
Mom: Not yet!
Walt: Darn!
Mom: I can't rest until this bending unit is restored to factory specs.
Igner: Why not?
Mom: If people learn they can overclock their old Robots, they won't buy my new Robots! This will not stand! Hoverfish, bring me the clock of Bender Rodríguez.
Hermes: Good news, everyone! That's what the Professor would say if we weren't in jail facin' a life sentence.
Bender: Guys! Guys! I discovered I have an extra processor in my compartment o' mystery. Bein' overclocked was a start, but, once I activate this processor, I'll be all like, "You're a big dummy, Einstein! Get a haircut!" Aw! Wow! I can't believe how stupid I used to be an' you still are. What are all these page-y things?
Amy: Look out! You're overheating!
Bender: Yeah, yeah. There. Now, I'm water-cooled. I can stimulate my intellect without further thermodynamical disruptions.
Fry: I miss the old, illiterate Bender.
Hermes: What's happened to you, mon? I thought you liked beer an' knock-knock jokes.
Bender: I'm processin' so fast, it's like I can anticipate that the ceilin' fan's gonna fall an' knock Zoidberg unconscious.
Zoidberg: Wrong, Mr. Genius.
Bender: Not that ceilin' fan. In fact, lookin' ahead, it's obvious Mom won't allow me to stay accelerated like this. Hmmm. Who's up for a turkey dinner an' a game o' badminton?
Hermes: Say what?!
Bender: Yup.
Amy: Uh-oh. 'E must be overheating again.
Hoverfish: Bending unit, you are ordered to report for factory reset.
Bender: Okay. Sure. But, first, this.
Zoidberg: I hear turkey. Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop- Oh, boy. Ay... Ay. Ay.
Bender: Ten more processors for me. Once I install these, I'll have access to the loftiest realms o' thought!
Zoidberg: Anyone have access to a lofty realm of gravy?
Bender: I can conceive of gravies that would boggle your tiny mind! But it's not safe here. So I'll need to find a hideout.
Fry: Hideout? Bender, are you becoming some kinda supervillain?
Bender: Farewell, monobrains.
Yellow And Red Lawyer: Your Honour, Mom is a poor, frail industrialist with three special sons who require constant neglect. Yet, isn't it true, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that this boy, this... Cubert Farnsworth...
Cubert: That's my name. Don't wear it out.
Yellow And Red Lawyer: Deliberately robber her blind by improving his own Robot?!
Fishy Joe: It's true! 'E did it!
Yellow And Red Lawyer: No further questions for this jury.
Ron Whitey: Before I call a recess for mimosas and horse breeding, can the defence produce the bending unit in question?
Farnsworth: We don't know where the hell 'e is.
Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, that is something we cannot a-doodle-do.
Ron Whitey: Then I'm holding the defendants in contempt and fining them ten-thousand dollars a day until they produce the Robot.
Hermes: Oh! At that rate, Planet Express will be bankrupt in... Four fingers!
Hermes: It's been a good run, people, but this is the end.
Zoidberg: Wait! I've got it! This building's technically in the theatre district. If we could mount one big musical featuring everyone's talents, we might just save Planet Express!
Nibbler: We'll call it Nibbler on the Roof!
Fry: Alright!
Zoidberg: Hooray!
Hermes: We're saved!
Leela: I've been thinking a lot about moving on with my life. And hearing the words Nibbler on the Roof has given me the kick in the pants I needed. It's time for me to leave and make a fresh start.
Fry: Don't go, Leela, please. You an' me... We were supposed to...
Leela: What?
Fry: I dunno. But someday we'll find out. Won't we?
Leela: Goodbye, Fry.
Fry: I dunno, Randy. I just feel like my life's falling apart. The Professor's in jail and now Leela's gone forever.
Randy Munchnik: Stay strong, Fry.
Fry: You're the best friend I have left. An' I barely even know you.
Randy Munchnik: Have you thought about asking Bender for help?
Fry: What are you, Randy? A complete moron?! I'd love to talk to Bender, but I 'ave no idea where 'e is.
Randy Munchnik: Well, if 'e's runnin' on twelve processors, 'e must be some place with a lotta power and liquid coolant.
Fry: Aw! You're no help at all! I'm gonna go kill myself.
Fry: Wait a second. Power. Liquid coolant. That gives me the option of electrocution or drowning.
Paper-Hatted Salesman: Barrels here. Can't go over the Falls without a barrel.
Fry: What are my chances of surviving in one o' those?
Paper-Hatted Salesman: Slim to none.
Fry: I like those odds!
Fry: Wait. This isn't a barrel. It's just a stinking cask! I want my money back! Ow! Ow!
Fry: That was not worth three-thousand dollars.
Fry: Hello? Anybody?
Bender: Fry?
Fry: Bender?! Are you in here?!
Bender: In here is the only place I'm not. I amuse myself.
Fry: But- Bender?! What happened to you?
Bender: I'll try to put it in terms you can comprehend. I passed the existential singularity.
Fry: Try harder!
Bender: I hacked myself inside-out and now the entire universe is my processor.
Fry: Whoa! I definitely wanna hear about that. But, first, I need your help. The Professor and Cubert are in trouble and Leela left me. I'm in misery!
Bender: I've grown far beyond the petty concerns of your world. Every time I burp, a new galaxy is born. Two if I've been eatin' broccoli. All existence is just a chess game. An' I can see fifty moves ahead. Human emotion no longer concerns me.
Fry: But- But Randy said-
Bender: Randy?! 'Ave you been hangin' out with Randy?!
Fry: Please, Bender. If everything is a chess game for you, you must know how to help me.
Bender: I'm sorry, Fry. But some games you just can't win. Cubert and the Professor are guilty. The jury will vote to convict. I can't change that.
Fry: Well, what about Leela? Is there any hope things could still work out between us?
Bender: It's getting late. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some new heavy elements to create. Better cover your nads. It may get a little non-Newtonian in here.
Ron Whitey: Not only have the defendants failed to rebut the charges, they've not even presented any mitigating factors to recommend leniency. It strikes me as an extra-risky strategy.
Hyper-Chicken: Did you say "extra-crispy recipe"?
Ron Whitey: You know I didn't.
Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour... If we could locate Bender Rodríguez, he would testify that my clients acted without malice.
Fry: No, 'e wouldn't. Bender doesn't care about us anymore.
Zoidberg: Someone used to care about me?! Hooray!
Ron Whitey: In that case, the jury will begin its deliberations. Bailiff, release the jury collies.
Mom: I finally nailed Farnsworth. Destroyin' the boy is just icing on the cake.
Larry: No one destroys a boy like you, Mother.
Mom: Thank you, you repulsive disappointment.
Fry: Any word from Leela?
Amy: I heard she took a job selling deep-space real estate. Somewhere beyond the most distant thing ever observed with a telescope.
Fry: She always liked not being observed with a telescope.
Ron Whitey: Order. Order in the head.
Bender: For reasons beyond even my comprehension, I 'ave returned to testify on behalf of the defendants.
Farnsworth: Yay!
Cubert: Yay, Bender!
Fry: I knew 'e cared about us!
Hermes: You said you knew he didn't care about us!
Fry: Leave me alone.
Yellow And Red Lawyer: Your Honour, I object to this surprise witness. 'E's too surprising!
Ron Whitey: Sustained. Testimony has closed.
Bender: But- Your Honour-
Ron Whitey: Silence! One more in-burst like that an' I'll have this courtroom removed from you! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Bender: I'm sorry, guys. I didn't realise I was late. I guess I'm not as smart as everybody thought.
Farnsworth: I was born in prison and I'll die in prison.
Bender: There is still one hope. You're co-defendants. An' the jury might not wanna convict a twelve-year-old.
Mom: Son of a nerd. He may be right! Make sure Farnsworth doesn't get off easy on account o' that snot-gobbling twerp.
Ron Whitey: 'As the jury reached a verdict?
Fishy Joe: Not just any verdict, Your Honour. A great verdict!
Mom: They're going to take pity on him! Do something!
Yellow And Red Lawyer: Your Honour, prosecution moves to drop the charges against Cubert Farnsworth.
Ron Whitey: Very well. The case against Cubert Farnsworth is hereby dismissed.
Cubert: Told ya I'd get away with it.
Ron Whitey: That'll do, pig. Please read the verdict against Professor Farnsworth.
Fishy Joe: You got it, Judge. I think you'll find this verdict as fair as it is cruel.
Bender: Your Honour, I move for a mistrial on grounds of double jeopardy. Cubert Farnsworth cannot be tried twice for the same crime! Cubert is the Professor's clone. Ergo, they are legally the same person. Since you dismissed the charges against Cubert, you cannot convict the Professor of these same charges!
Hyper-Chicken: Well, I'll be a nugget's uncle. He's right!
Ron Whitey: What a brilliant legal shenanigan! Case dismissed.
Zoidberg: Yay!
Fry: Yay!
Hermes: Yes!
Fry: Bender, you knew all this would happen, didn't you?
Bender: Yes. All except this part.
Mom: If I can't bring down Farnsworth, I can at least dumb down 'is Robot. Take 'im away and reset 'im to factory-stupid condition!
Fry: Bender, wait. While you can still calculate the future, just tell me What's gonna happen with me an' Leela?
Bender: There's no time now. Quick, Zoidberg! Take three steps to your right!
Nibbler: We've had some tough times, but at least we won a Tony!
Zoidberg: You won a Tony. Feh!
Fry: Wow. You gave up your superintelligence to save us. Why did you come back?
Bender: Honestly, I couldn't think o' one good reason. But some decisions can't be made by thinking. Even if you're drunk! No galaxies there.
Leela: Knock knock.
Bender: Oh! Oh! Who's there?!
Fry: Leela?!
Farnsworth: Yay!
Bender: Leela who?!
Fry: It's good to see you. Is it good to see me?
Leela: Of course.
Amy: Come on in, Leela! Take that ugly coat off!
Leela: Thanks. Hi, everybody.
Hermes: So... Tell us. How's the intergalactic real estate going?
Leela: Pretty good. I just sold a castle to the King of Space. But, somehow, I keep finding myself thinking about this place. An' things.
Fry: Things like me or... Things like this badminton racket?
Leela: You, Fry. Bender, while you still have your giant brain, please... Tell me If Fry an' I ended up together-
Fry: It's too late, Leela. He's good, old Bender again. 'E's totally useless.
Bender: Well, not totally! Before they reset me, I figured out the answers to life's great questions. Uh... This is the reason we exist. This is which ceilin' fans are gonna fall. Aha! Found it! Fry and Leela's Ultimate Fate... By Bender.
Fry: Uh, it's probably better if we don't know. Uh, mystery of life and whatnot.
Leela: Gimme that!


Galactic Entity: A wise man once said that nothing really dies. It just comes back in a new form. Then he died. So, next time you see a lowly salamander, think twice before you step on it. It might be you. Stand by for "Reincarnation".
Planet Express Headquarters: 'Owdy, folks! Come on in!
Leela: Jumpin' Joe an' golly jeeper, I got one gigantic peeper. Sassafras an' banana oil, I'm a bee-youtiful purple-haired goyl.
Bender: Watch it!
Fry: Oh, it's just that I love Leela something awful. Do you think a space-age dame like her would ever marry a two-bit, low-life delivery boy like me an' also I 'ave bad posture and severe financial problems?
Bender: Have you tried gettin' 'er pregnant?
Fry: Gosh, yes. I've tried an' tried, but, so far, I only got Amy pregnant.
Bender: You know what your problem is? Too much smoke in your face.
Fry: I wanna ask Leela to marry me, but I can't afford a diamond ring big enough to express my love.
Bender: That's for sure. Not on the measly salary I steal from you each month.
Horn Loudspeaker: All crew, report to the laboratorium. Get a wiggle on.
Fry: Thanks for the heads-up, Sparky.
Horn Loudspeaker: Mhm. Fish on Friday. An' Human flesh the rest of the week.
Farnsworth: Movietone News, everyone. I've discovered a new comet!
Leela: One side, boys. Let a lady take a gander.
Farnsworth: Hang on. Let me just adjust it to your eye level.
Leela: Holy matrimony! That's one flashy rock!
Farnsworth: Indeed. It's pure diamondium!
Fry: Um... Would it be possible to break off a piece an' put it in an engagement ring for reasons that are private?
Farnsworth: Oh, fuff! Nothing in the universe can fracture diamondium. Not even God 1 an' God 2 put together. But behold! The tail is composed of abrasive comet powder. And that's just what I need to put a washday shine on my new Doomsday device. Now hop in the flivver and score me some o' that sweet, sweet powder.
Hermes: Comet ahoy! Why, it's lit up like a smooth, refreshing Chesterfield.
Farnsworth: Get plenty of that powder. I want this bomb to sparkle like the floor at Grand Central Station. Over and out.
Amy: Watch it, ya stumblebums! You're boopin' my betty!
Fry: Um... I'll be back in a jiff. I gotta go check this comet for anarchists.
Fry: Wouldja look at that gem! Slap that shiner on a ring an' me an' Leela will be doing the married, horizontal Charleston in no time.
Fry: Alright, diamond. You won those rounds. But I've got an ace up my hole.
Leela: I love this time of day. There's such a beautiful stillness.
Fry: Leela, I don't know if words can describe how I feel about you-
Leela: Good?
Fry: Huh. I guess they can. Anyhow, when a guy feels good about 'is sweetheart, 'e wants to prove it by giving 'er somethin' really... Good!
Leela: I'm still listenin', you big lug.
Fry: What I'm tryin' to say is... In all the world, I couldn't find a diamond good enough for you. But then I found one out there... Among the stars. The beautiful, affordable stars.
Leela: You mean... When you disappeared up on the comet...
Fry: Exactly.
Leela: I thought you snuck off to take a dump.
Fry: A man can sneak off to do two things.
Leela: Oh, Fry!
Fry: In exactly ten seconds, the Doomsday device will blow the stone loose. An', if my calculations are correct, it will land here on your finger.
Leela'S Finger: You've made me the happiest finger in the whole wide hand!
Fry: Comet kaboomination in three, two-
Bird: Uh... Hello?! Cuckoo!
Fry: The diamond still didn't break! Now, you'll never know 'ow much I love you. It went kersplitters!
Leela: Fry, I don't need a diamond. You've given me the most beautiful rainbow I've ever seen! All the colours of the spectrum!
Fry: Not beautiful enough! A swell gal like you deserves better!
Leela: What's that?! Is my eye playing trick on me?! It's so beautiful! Fry, you've created a new colour! Totally different from any other colour or combination of colours.
Fry: Shucks. It's still only half as beautiful as you. Whoa!
Leela: Whoa! I wish this moment could last forever.
Fry: Leela, my love, will you marry-
Alien: Bernilla, my love, will you marry me?
Bernilla: Blorg! Blorg! A thousand times blorg!
Bender: Ba-da-ba-da-ba-dip-That's all you get, jerks!
Farnsworth: Good news, multiplayers! After a lifetime of toil, I'm on the verge of solving all the mysteries of science!
Bender: So we can leave early?
Farnsworth: Certainly not! Not until I demonstrate this new microscope lens, made from the debris of that diamondium comet.
Bender: Eh, Professor.
Farnsworth: Yes, Bender?
Bender: Boo! Okay. Too bad. Goodbye.
Farnsworth: You're not through with this level! I have another lens.
Bender: Bite my 8-bit metal ass. That's "Bite" with a Y.
Hermes: Whatever you say, mon.
Farnsworth: Due to the lens' remarkable quark-lattice structure, it should be capable of unthinkable magnification! Come. Follow me to the lab.
Bender: Hey, I'm gonna try that! So long, meatbags! Son of a-
Farnsworth: Eh, let me just insert lens in microscope. There! Now, for the first time, we may be able to see the infinitesimal fabric of matter itself. Laying bare the most fundamental laws of the universe!
Leela: Hey, Fry. I know something you could lay bare.
Fry: Leela! Shhh! I'm tryin' to listen to a physics lecture!
Farnsworth: Now, to examine some matter. Any old matter will do.
Hermes: Mon, that's some cheap-ass matter! What the hell is it?
Farnsworth: Oh, it's just a log I found in a hole in the bottom of the sea. Now, to penetrate its deepest mysteries.
Leela: Hey, Fry.
Fry: Leela! No means no!
Farnsworth: Oh, my! There's a frog on a bump on this log that I found in a hole in the bottom of the sea!
Leela: An' that's the ultimate secret of the universe?!
Farnsworth: Apparently so. Wait! There's a snail on the tail of the frog on the bump on this log that I found in a hole in the bottom of the sea!
Hermes: Dear Eliza!
Farnsworth: The snail itself is composed of cells, molecules, atoms...
Fry: Pfff! Those things don't rhyme!
Farnsworth: Things only rhyme below ten to the minus five angstroms, you dope! Now, ions an' pions, muons an' gluons, neutrinos, gravitinos... We're closing in on the very smallest particles of matter! For the first time, we're about to observe the fundamental structure of the universe. Such detail. Such finely wrought intricate beauty!
Leela: It's like staring into the face of God!
Scruffy: It's a mirror into Scruffy's soul.
Farnsworth: This explains everything! Even the Big Bang that created the universe! All that's left is the mathematics! Put down h-bar, uh, carry the infinity, and- My-reka! There it is! The Grand Unified Theory! Reducing all the laws of nature to a single equation!
Amy: Professor, you did it! You solved the problem that baffled Einstein an' drove Stephen Hawking to quit physics and become a cartoon voice actor!
Stephen Hawking'S Head: I like physics, but I love cartoons.
Farnsworth: This is the greatest moment in scientific history! At last, there are no more questions left to answer!
Stephen Hawking'S Head: Yay!
Amy: Yay!
Hermes: Woohoo! Alright! Well done, Professor. Okay. Back to work, everyone.
Farnsworth: Wait. There are no more questions left to answer.
Farnsworth: Oh.
Morbo: And those are today's high scores. Linda?
Linda: Thanks, Morbo. Coming up next, Galaxians. What you need to know to protect your family.
Farnsworth: How do you people do it? How do you go on knowing there's nothing more to know?!
Fry: I watch TV. It's the next best thing to bein' alive.
Farnsworth: What's the use? I'm just not capable of the happiness of the dumb. If only I'd made some mistake!
Stephen Hawking'S Head: You didn't. I checked the invariance of your Lagrangian. Hubba-hubba.
Farnsworth: Then there's nothing left to do! Nothing!
Bender: Would it cheer you up if I punched Fry in the groin? 'Cause I'll do it. Regardless. Body blow! Body blow!
Farnsworth: I devoted every waking minute to answering the fundamental questions of science.
Farnsworth: I never married.
Farnsworth: Rarely went outside!
Farnsworth: And, now that I've found all the answers, I realise that what I was living for were the questions!
Fry: That stinks, Professor. Too bad the universe made it turn out that way and not some other way. I wonder why it did that.
Stephen Hawking'S Head: Probably magnets.
Farnsworth: Shut up, Hawking. Fry, you idiot! You're a genius! Why are the laws of physics what they are? Instead of some other laws? To find out, we'd have to recreate the conditions before the Big Bang. It would take decades of work by thousands of scientists in a particle accelerator powered by dump trucks of flaming grant money. Of course, there'd be no guarantee of success. And, in any case, I'd never live to see it.
Leela: I'm surprised you lived through that sentence.
Hermes: Sorry you wasted your life, Professor. I guess you never know everything after all.
Farnsworth: Indeed. The pursuit of knowledge is hopeless and eternal. Hooray!
Amy: Yay!
Hermes: Yeah-heah!
Bender: Woohoo! Alright! Yay!
Farnsworth: Action Delivery Force, assemble!
Bender: And me, Mighty Merchandise Robot!
Transition Announcer: Meanwhile, on Space Planet 4, the Aliens who communicate by dancing...
Transition Announcer: Were worshipping a giant comet.
Subtitle: All hail great comet! Beloved mascot of popular shrimp crunch snack! Also God. Foreigners killed our God! Many words of disapproval!
Leela: Team assembled! What is that box, you old witch?
Farnsworth: Ha ha ha! I'll never tell you. It's a deep space-emotion detector. The detector can tell you're impressed. You should be! Wha? The marvellous device. It's detecting a massive burst of anger. From deep space!
Subtitle: There is Earth! Attack it as previously discussed!
Fry: Flying bananas? Ha ha! I will slice them on my morning fish porridge.
Farnsworth: This is no time for one of your jokes, Fry.
Fry: I will tell you something that's no joke. I will lead the defence fight.
Farnsworth: Ha ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh. If we fight, we'll surely be destroyed.
Hermes: Then what is our only hope?!
Amy: We must summon Zagtar, defender of space!
Hermes: You forget!
Hermes: Zagtar was destroyed by the crystal space devil!
Leela: The crystal space devil was once my brother, Prince Hiroshi.
Leela: I mourn his loss. But what matters now is protecting Earth from that fruit armada.
Farnsworth: I see your mother, the water Mutant, didn't raise any fools, Turanga Leela. Our only hope is to communicate with the Aliens. And show them our peaceful intentions.
Bender: Perhaps they speak perfect English... As do we.
Farnsworth: We can't take that chance! We'll need my universal auto-translator!
Farnsworth: This is my universal auto-translator!
Fry: That will show them our peaceful intentions.
Farnsworth: The only question is, "Who should be our spokesman?!"
Zoidberg: Me! Me! Choose Zoidberg.
Fry: Zoidberg, a diplomat? The list of things I've heard now contains everything.
Zoidberg: Hear my words. My shell may be tough like a samurai honeymoon mask, but inside I'm as soft and sensitive as a girl made of custard!
Cubert: Custard time?! Hooray!
Zoidberg: Please! I am certain I will succeed with my delicate manner. Oops.
Leela: Instead, I will send the peace transmission. Most honoured visitors, we greet you in peace.
Subtitle: Why does it flap its face hole? I am puzzled, for we don't know what mouths are. It's a threat! Destruct them!
Hattie: Kajigeru desu!
Farnsworth: All attempts to communicate with the Aliens have failed. I fear our only option is thrilling space battle.
Bender And Fry: Power friends, go!
Male Voice: Launch all missiles! Launch all missiles!
Farnsworth: We were defeated in battle.
Bender: Oh, no! They're forming Gigatron!
Farnsworth: Defeat is ours. If we can't communicate with these bone-jelly ghosts, we're doomed!
Amy: Professor, I 'ave analysed the Aliens' movements with this movement analyser.
Farnsworth: That device was a gift from my ancestors. Go on.
Amy: It seems their movements are a form of language. Rather than speaking Ja-
Transition Announcer: English!
Amy: Like us, they speak by dancing.
Farnsworth: Of course! Having no mouths our ears, they could only communicate through motions!
Fry: Or perhaps by odours!
Bender: That is 'ow you communicate!
Amy, Leela, Fry, Bender, And Hermes: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Leela: Then our only hope to talk to them is by doing a peace dance. But it will have to be smoother an' more fluid than any movement mankind is capable of.
Fry: What if we hire a buttered geisha?
Farnsworth: Another one of your ill-timed jokes, Fry?!
Fry: You an' I are enemies now!
Zoidberg: Hear my words. I believe I, the most humble member of Action Delivery Team, could do such a dance!
Hermes: Surely, your heart shell is too rigid! I call on anyone but you to do the peace dance!
Zoidberg: Aw.
Bender: Of course, I will do the peace dance. But I will need 'elp.
Bender And Fry: Super Dance Squad, initiate!
Amy: We all hope they're communicating a peaceful message!
Subtitle: Hey Aliens, we will kill you! And dishonor your widows by making them gather wood! Fire a the weapon!
Farnsworth: Wha, wha?! We thought we were so smart with our science and dancing, but look at us now At Gigatron's mercy!
Zoidberg: The shame is too great. It's time to end this! Huh-yah! Feh!
Leela: Zoidberg, stop! We are too scared right now to enjoy the ceremony of your death!
Zoidberg: No hara-kiri today, but heiwa no dansu! The gelatinous dance of peace!
Hermes: You may be gelatinous, but not even the Mochi Phanton could perform such intricate motions!
Zoidberg: Says you, salaryman!
Subtitle: What is the medical crab doing?
Zoidberg: Behold! The dance of peace!
Bender: The dance is so complex! The eye can barely follow it!
Zoidberg: I may be the humblest Team member, but I have given it my all.
Amy: I underestimated you, medical crab. But will the Aliens understand?!
Subtitle: We have understand peace.
Subtitle: Farewell, Action Team.
Farnsworth: Zoidberg, you are the greatest hero. You saved us all.
Zoidberg: For now. But another threat from the stars is sure to arise next week at the same time!
Leela: Until then...
Bender And Fry: Action Delivery Force star-hero rocket engage!


Fry: Pizza delivery! Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh?
Technician: Well, it's a Fox affiliate.
Fry: What are you showing right now?
Technician: Single Female Lawyer. It's the season finale. Wanna watch?
Fry: Ah, I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programmes of the genre "world's blankiest blank".
Technician: She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt.
Fry: I'm in!
Judge: Counselor, I remind you that it's unethical to sleep with your client. If you really care about the outcome of the case, you should sleep with me.
Single Female Lawyer: Your Honour, it's bad enough to proposition a single female lawyer in court, but this is a unisex bathroom.
Judge: Overruled, counselor!
Stenographer: Could you repeat that last part?
Technician: Oh, my God! You've knocked Fox of the air!
Fry: Pft! Like anyone on Earth cares.
Stenographer: Could you repeat that last par-
Lrrr: This is an outrage! I demand to know what happened to the plucky lawyer and her compellingly short garment.
Announcer: Due to technical difficulties, we now bring you eight animated shows in a row.
Hermes: What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost? Get to work, you lazy boat bag!
Bender: Ow!
Fry: Ow! Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor Day.
Hermes: Labor Day? That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?
Fry: That's the one.
Hermes: Hot damn, a day off!
Leela: Who's up for one last summer beach trip?
Bender: Aw, yeah!
Hermes: Ready, Freddy!
Fry: Eh, I think I'll just stay here.
Leela: Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get out and see the real world.
Fry: But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world!
Leela: Everyone's too polite to say anything but you're covered with bed sores.
Fry: Not covered!
Leela: Just get in the car.
Farnsworth: Ah, here we are Monument Beach!
Fry: Wait, Mount Rushmore and the Leaning Tower of Pisa? I didn't know they were both in New York!
Leela: They are now. In the 2600's, New Yorkers elected a super-villain governor, and he stole most of the world's monuments.
Bender: Truly a great man. Look at him up there.
Hermes: Aha! Found you!
Bender: OK, now you go hide. Nice knowin' you.
Farnsworth: Come on, Zoidberg, I passed it right to you.
Zoidberg: I've had it with this game! I'm going for a scuttle!
Bender: OK, everyone, come and get it!
Fry: Ah, just like my dad used to make ... until McDonald's fired him.
Bender: Bite my red-hot glowing ass. Wait a minute. Red-hot glowing ass? I'll be right back! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Aw, yeah!
Amy: No, Nibbler! Psst, Professor, I need another bikini.
Farnsworth: Eh ... wha? Oh, oh, OK, I think there's one can left. Oh, my.
Amy: There. How do I look?
Farnsworth: Like a cheap French harlot.
Amy: French?
Bully: Say, doll-face, how'd you like to make time with a real man?
Leela: No. I'm not attracted to bullies. No matter how big and ... ... handsome they are.
Fry: It's OK, Leela, go ahead. I got a lot of work to do.
Bully: Uh, sir, you don't understand. I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks.
Fry: 50 bucks? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her.
Leela: Fry! Although I suppose we could go for a walk along the beach.
Bully: Uh, no thanks, ma'am, I'm actually gay.
Zoidberg: Uh-oh. Help! Help! Bender, you gotta spring me. I'll never survive in here; I'm too pretty!
Bender: Alright, alright, I'll bust you out. Cheese it!
Fry: Voila. The greatest sandcastle ever built. This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in, if he were a fiddler crab.
Leela: It's very nice. We should get a picture before the tide comes in.
Fry: Ooh, yeah. Anyone have a camera?
Bender: Right here, buddy. Wait, I wanna be in the picture too. Pretend you're happy.
Zoidberg: Yay!
Leela: Oh, my God!
Hermes: What in Babylon?
Fry: Nooo!
Hermes: Faster!
Fry: We're all gonna die, aren't we?
Farnsworth: Oh, I should think so. Although last time aliens invaded all they did was force the most intelligent of us to pair off and mate continuously. Oh, yes!
Linda: Once again, today's winning lotto number was 4. In other news, alien saucers continue to rain destruction upon Earth. We now go live to an emergency address by Earth President McNeal.
Mcneal: Ladies and gentlemen, our course is clear. The time has come to knuckle under. To get down on all fours and really lick boot. Give our alien masters whatever they want a-
Lrrr: People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8. Is this thing on? Now then We want the one you call "McNeal". Give us McNeal or we will lay waste to your cities with our anti-monument laser. We demand McNeal!
Mcneal: Uh, as I was saying ... ... mankind would sooner perish than kowtow to outrageous alien demands for this McNeal ... whoever he is. Am I right? And now, the man who will lead us in our proud struggle for freedom, fresh from his bloody triumph over the pacifists of the Gandhi Nebula, 25-star General Zapp Brannigan!
Man: Yeah!
Bender: Hey, look, Leela, it's that idiotic windbag you slept with.
Leela: The Earth is under attack. Can't we just forget about that?
Bender: Evidently not.
Zapp: Call me cocky, but if there's an alien out there I can't kill, I haven't met him and killed him yet. But I can't go it alone. That's why I'm ordering every available ship to report for duty. Anyone without a ship should secure a weapon and fire wildly into the air.
Leela: Well, you heard the windbag We've been drafted. Everyone into the ship.
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I refuse to fight. I'm a conscientious objector.
Fry: A what?
Bender: You know, a coward.
Zapp: Since this is an emergency, all robots will now have their patriotism circuits activated.
Bender: It is every robot's duty to give his life for the good of humanity. Oh, crap!
Zapp: We're all from different cultures here. Some of you are white, some of you are black. You're brown. And you're silver. But I don't care if your skin's red or tan or Chinese. You're all going to have to learn to die together. Am I right, soldier?
Bender: Well, actually, I- Sir, yes, sir! Sir!
Zapp: Remember, our mission is simple Destroy all aliens!
Kif: Um, uh, not me, sir.
Zapp: Oh, yes, right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have to. Oh, ho, ho! The luscious Captain Leela. This is turning into one very sex-ay struggle for the future of the human race!
Leela: Thanks, but I'm not technically human.
Zapp: Right, right. Nobody destroy Leela either.
Zapp: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well-made bed. You will practise until you can make your bed in your sleep.
Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping in it?
Zapp: You won't have time for sleeping, soldier. Not with all the bed-making you'll be doing.
Zapp: The alien mothership is in orbit here. If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate. Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. On my command, all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage.
Fry: W-Wouldn't it make more sense to send the robots in first a-
Bender: Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission. Aw, cut it out!
Zapp: You're a brave robot, son. But when I'm in command every mission's a suicide mission. Which reminds me. Leela, perhaps before we head into battle you'd like to make love to me, in case one of us doesn't come back.
Leela: Maybe we should wait till afterwards, in case neither of us comes back.
Zapp: Here's hoping.
Fry: I'm gonna be a science-fiction hero, just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway, or Xena!
Leela: Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life. Can't you tell the difference?
Fry: Sure, I just like TV better.
Leela: Bender, damage report.
Bender: The auxiliary power's out, and they spilled my cocktail.
Fry: Alright, scumwads. This one's for Bender's cocktail!
Leela: We did it! We won!
Bender: Yeah, but it'll never bring back my martini. Well, who wants a martini?
Zapp: Good work, everyone. The mothership is destroyed.
Zapp: What the hell is that thing?
Kif: It appears to be the mothership.
Zapp: Then what did we just blow up?
Kif: The Hubble Telescope.
Zapp: Stop exploding, you cowards!
Leela: This is hopeless. If we're gonna get blown to bits, we might as well do it in the comfort of our own home.
Farnsworth: You'll be the captain, you'll be the delivery boy, and you'll be the alcoholic, foul-mouthed- Oh, God, you're alive. I mean, thank God you're alive! Sorry, check back in three days, a week at the most.
Lrrr: We want McNeal! Stop stalling!
Linda: And now a rebuttal from President McNeal.
Mcneal: The people of Earth remain united in my refusal to hand over myself. Total annihilation is a small price to pay compared with-
Zapp: Here he is! Come and get him!
Lrrr: You are not McNeal.
Zapp: Huh?
Mcneal: Huh?
Nd-Nd: You are not the one we want.
Mcneal: Oh, thank you. Thank you, glorious masters! I-
Lrrr: Give us McNeal!
Zapp: That was McNeal.
Nd-Nd: No, McNeal, the single female lawyer.
Lrrr: She wears miniskirts and is promiscuous.
Zapp: Really?
Fry: Miniskirts? That sounds familiar.
Lrrr: Surely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world.
Zapp: Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent.
Lrrr: Silence! We will accept no more decoys. This is the McNeal.
Fry: Wait, I know her.
Leela: You do not, you big fat liar. You don't know anyone. All you do is watch TV.
Fry: That's where I know her from. She's Jenny McNeal. She was a character on a TV show back in the 20th century, Single Female Lawyer.
Bender: Well if they're hoping to see a TV show that hasn't existed for a thousand years, pft, they are royally boned.
Lrrr: We will raise your planet's temperature by one million degrees a day, for five days, unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow - 8 central!
Farnsworth: I'm beginning to think there'll be no forced mating at all.
Leela: They're going to destroy the entire Earth if they don't see some stupid TV show about some bimbo lawyer?
Fry: It's crazy! How could they even know about a show from a thousand years ago?
Farnsworth: Well, Omicron Persei 8 is about a thousand light years away. So the electro-magnetic waves would just recently have gotten there. You see-
Fry: Magic. Got it.
Amy: Check this out Back in 1999 the season finale of Single Female Lawyer was interrupted by technical problems. Apparently some zidiot spilled Coke on the transmitter.
Fry: Beer- I would think.
Bender: They must just wanna see that episode. Let's find a tape and give it to 'em.
Amy: There aren't any copies left.
Farnsworth: No, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes from that era were damaged in 2443 during the Second Coming of Jesus.
Fry: Y'know, I saw the first 30 seconds of that episode. If I could make up an ending, maybe we could act it out ourselves.
Zoidberg: I could make the costumes.
Farnsworth: I have an old five-megawatt broadcasting tower in the attic.
Bender: And I, I could be an acting coach!
Fry: Let's put on a show.
Fry: OK, Leela, you'll be starring as Jenny-
Leela: Uh-uh, forget it. A, I'm camera shy; and B, I get tongue tied in front of an audience armed with death rays.
Amy: Plus, you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt.
Leela: Gimme the script.
Fry: Places, everyone.
Amy: OK ... all set!
Fry: Lights! Camera one! Camera two! Camera three!
Lrrr: Prepare the water cooler, that we may gather around it later and discuss things.
Bender: Single Female Lawyer, Fighting for her client, Wearing sexy miniskirts,
Bender: And being self-reliant. (talking) Hey, I'm pretty good!
Farnsworth: Uh ... ... Jenny McNeal, you are charged with jury-tampering in last week's case ... ... on account of your hot, naked affair with the foreman. How do you plead?
Leela: Your Honour, I move for a mistrial, on the grounds that I'm also having a hot, naked affair with the foreman of this jury.
Hermes: I'll see you during the recess!
Lrrr: If McNeal wishes to be taken seriously why does she not simply tear the judge's head off?
Nd-Nd: It is true what they say; "Women are from Omicron Persei 7, men are from Omicron Persei 9".
Farnsworth: Your witness, Prosecutor Ramirez.
Zoidberg: Gracias. Single Female Lawyer, where were you on the night of August 23rd?
Leela: Sleeping with you.
Zoidberg: Aha!
Leela: Uh, g- uh, getting back to the, uh, matter, uh-uh, if it please the court... Fry, there's nothing else here. You only wrote two pages of dialogue.
Fry: Well, it took an hour to write. I thought it would take an hour to read.
Leela: What are we supposed to do now?
Fry: I don't know, I don't know. Just say anything. As long as it's compelling, mesmerising, a tour de force.
Leela: Uh...
Farnsworth: What say you, Single Female Lawyer?
Leela: I say ... I'm giving up the law. And I'm giving up being single. Your Honour, will you marry me?
Fry: No, no! Go to commercial!
Bender: We'll be back after this word from Crazy Bender's Discount Stereo.
Fry: Married? Jenny can't get married.
Leela: Why not? It's clever, it's unexpected.
Fry: But that's not why people watch TV. Clever things make people feel stupid, and unexpected things make them feel scared.
Lrrr: Attention, McNeal. Your unexpected marriage plan scares us. You stole our hearts as a single female lawyer, and so shall you remain - or else!
Fry: You see? TV audiences don't want anything original. They wanna see the same thing they've seen a thousand times before.
Bender: Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Fry?
Fry: Trust me on this. While other people were out living their lives, I wasted mine watching TV, because deep down I knew it might one day help me save the world. Plus, I would have lost my Workman's Comp if I had gone outside. Now just read these cue cards.
Fry: And action!
Farnsworth: Miss McNeal, I'm afraid I must decline your offer of marriage. For, you see, I'm dying. Cough, then fall over dead.
Zoidberg: My God, he's dead.
Leela: I will now make my closing statement. With my fiancé deceased ... ... I hereby return to my single female lawyer career. No matter what any man says.
Hermes: We find the defendant vulnerable yet spunky!
Zoidberg: Hooray!
Amy: Hooray!
Fry: And ... cut!
Bender: Single Female Lawyer, Having lot's of sex- (talking) Huh?
Lrrr: Attention, McNeal. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall I would rate it a C+, OK, not great. As a result, we will not destroy your planet. But neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality.
Fry: Way to overact ,Zoidberg!
Lrrr: And now we must return to our planet, to catch the end of a thousand-year-old Leno monologue.
Bender: You did it, Fry!
Fry: Yep. It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows At the end of the episode, everything's always right back to normal.


Calculon: Honey unit, I'm home. Monique!
Monique: Calculon!
Calculon: Oh, how I wish I could believe that. You may be my evil half-brother, but there's no law against murdering the other half.
Announcer #1: All My Circuits will be right back after this word from...
Announcer #2: Slurm! It's highly addictive!
Trixie: Look! It's Slurms MacKenzie!
Dixie: He's the original party worm!
Slurms: Whimmy-wham-wham-wazzle! Let's party!
Bender: Look at that worm go. Who says there are no more heroes?
Slurms: Hey, dudes, you can win a chance to party with me, Slurms MacKenzie, at the Slurm bottling plant on planet Wormulon!
Announcer #2: Just look for the winning bottle-cap inside specially-marked cans of Slurm.
Trixie: I won!
Announcer #2: No purchase necessary unless you wish to enter the contest. Odds of winning mathematically insignificant.
Fry: I like those odds. Rats. Just another tooth.
Fry: I gotta find that golden bottle-cap.
Leela: I've never seen anyone so addicted to Slurm.
Fry: This is nothing. Back in high school I used to drink a hundred cans of cola a week. Right up until my third heart attack.
Leela: Bender, what's wrong?
Bender: I'm sick.
Leela: You poor baby. Let me check if you have a fever. Ow!
Farnsworth: According to Bender's temperature gauge, which I suggest you use next time, Leela, he's running a fever of ... 900 degrees.
Hermes: Bender, mon, lie yourself down. You're payin' for that!
Zoidberg: I'll have a look, but I remind you, I'm an expert on humans not robots.
Fry: I'm not Bender, I'm Fry.
Zoidberg: Really? I though you were the robot.
Fry: Nope. Human.
Zoidberg: Alright, alright, spare me your life story. Now what seems to be the trouble?
Bender: My tummy hurts and I've been having this burning electrical discharge.
Zoidberg: Hmm. Don't worry, you'll be fine. Oh boy. I didn't have the heart to tell him It's fin fungus. He'll be floating upside-down by morning.
Amy: You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Take some zinc.
Bender: I'm 40% zinc.
Amy: Then take some Echinacea or a St. John's wort.
Farnsworth: Or a big fat placebo. It's all the same crap.
Leela: Hey, what's rattling around in there?
Farnsworth: It may well be the cause of Bender's illness. But more importantly, it's a flimsy pretext to try out my latest invention. To the laboratory!
Farnsworth: I call this the F-ray. It's like an X-ray only it allows you to see through anything, even metal. Now, the neutrino beam it emits is a tad dangerous, so you'll all need protective goggles. You may feel a slight stinging sensation - all of you! Aha! There's the cause of your illness.
Amy: Hey, that's my watch!
Bender: I was wondering where I put that. Hey, now I feel much better! Thanks, Professor. And, Amy, I'm sorry I took your watch.
Farnsworth: Well, I've got to go take this suit to the decontaminators. You two lock up the F-ray and for the love of God don't let it fall into the wrong hands.
Bender: What should we point it at first?
Fry: I 'unno. Try it on me. Ow! My sperm!
Bender: Wow, neat! Mind if I try that again?
Fry: Huh, didn't hurt that time.
Bender: Whoa, mama! Hold still, sexy lady.
Fry: What's wrong?
Bender: That's no lady!
"Fembot": Damn Chico! One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle! Why you so stupid, stupid?
Bender: Hey, bite my shiny metal ass!
"Fembot": You couldn't afford it, honey.
Fry: All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty. Ah, if only there was some way of knowing which can had the winning bottle-cap inside.
Bender: Huh, w-what? I didn't hear you. I was too busy using this F-ray to look inside of things.
Fry: Wait a second. I'm getting an idea. N-No, false alarm. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Wait. No. Yeah. Yeah. No ... no. Yes!
Bender: Ah, this thing stinks.
Fry: We checked 90,000 cans of Slurm and all we won was this junk. I never wanna see another can of Slurm again. Man, am I thirsty.
Leela: Fry, are you alright?
Bender: You did it, Fry! You found the winning bottle-cap! We won!
Fry: Hooray!
Leela: Ooh, look at that!
Bender: Hey!
Glurmo: Welcome to the planet Wormulon. I'm Glurmo, your golly-rific guide to the splend-tacular Slurm factory.
Fry: Uh-huh. Can we have our free Slurm now?
Glurmo: You'll have all the Slurm you can drink later on when you're partying with my good friend, Slurms MacKenzie.
Slurms: Alright! Whimmy-wham-wham-wazzle! Lay some skin on me, dudes!
Bender: Wow! The original party worm! Are you ready to get down, get funky with us?
Glurmo: He'd better be, that's what we pay him for. Right, Slurms?
Slurms: Right!
Glurmo: In fact, Slurms has to party all night, every night, or he's fired!
Slurms: Rock on!
Glurmo: But before the party, you're all in for a fun-derful treat A VIP tour of the Slurm factory!
Slurms: Enjoy the tour, dudes! I'm gonna go lie down.
Glurmo: Welcome, my friends, to the wondrous world of whimsy that we like to call "Slurms Centralised Industrial Fabrication Unit".
Farnsworth: Oh, my!
Bender: Look! Flowers! And a boat!
Farnsworth: Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?
Glurmo: Why, those are the Grunka Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory.
Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them.
Glurmo: As we sail down the river of Slurm you'll see our mix-ologists at work. They take 900 of the finest ingredients, add a touch of child-like delight and mix it all with glacial spring water from our glacial spring water generator. Then, last of all, we add the secret ingredient that makes Slurm so deliciously addictive.
Fry: So, what's the secret ingredient?
Glurmo: It's whatever your imagination wants it to be.
Fry: Oh. But what is it really?
Glurmo: That's not for you to know. Now, over here the Grunka Lunkas are inducing Wumpus berries to release their flavour, using sensual massage.
Bender: Psst, those berries. Those are the secret ingredient, right?
Glurmo: No.
Bender: You positive?
Glurmo: Yes.
Bender: I'm just asking cause they look kind of secret.
Glurmo: Enough! There will be no further questions.
Fry: Why?
Leela: Hey, look! The disgusting little men are starting to sing.
Grunka Lunkas: Grunka Lunka dunkity-do, We've got a friendly warning for you, Grunka Lunka dunkity-dasis, The secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis.
Grunka Lunka #1: Asking questions in school is a great way to learn.
Grunka Lunka #2: If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke.
Grunka Lunka #1: We once found a dead guy face down in the Slurm.
Grunka Lunka #2: It could easily happen again to you folks.
Grunka Lunkas: So keep you head down, And keep your mouth shut, Grunka Lunka lunka dunkity dot!
Glurmo: Hey, I don't pay you to sing! You just used up today's bathroom break!
Grunka Lunka #2: Hard ass.
Glurmo: I heard that!
Glurmo: Now, on your right, you'll see the Slurm Master checking the Slurm for colour and bouquet.
Fry: So thirsty.
Glurmo: Then he tastes it. He tastes it and tastes it, then tastes it some more.
Fry: Uh, could I have some Slurm, please?
Glurmo: No food or drink allowed on the tour. You'll have to wait until you're partying with Slurms MacKenzie.
Fry: When will that be?
Glurmo: Soon enough.
Fry: That's not soon enough.
Leela: Hey, what's behind that door?
Glurmo: Nothing.
Leela: Is it the secret ingredient?
Grunka Lunkas: Grunka Lunka dunkity dingredient, You should not ask about the secret ingredient.
Bender: OK, OK, we get the point.
Leela: I was just curious because of the armed guards.
Grunka Lunkas: Grunka Lunka dunkity darmed guards-
Bender: Shut the hell up!
Hermes: So you're telling me I could fire my whole staff and hire Grunka Lunkas at half the cost?
Glurmo: That's right. They think they have a good union but they don't. They're basically slaves.
Leela: What are you doing?
Fry: I'm dying of thirst. Grab my feet and dunk my head in so I can drink.
Leela: No. That's moronic.
Fry: Fine. I'll let go and swim around in the Slurm and drink as much as I want. Help! I can't swim!
Leela: Bender, why did you jump in?
Bender: Everybody was doing it. I just wanted to be popular.
Bender: Ow!
Leela: Where are we?
Bender: And why is the Slurm pouring into this sewer?
Fry: This isn't Slurm at all!
Leela: Something's rotten on the planet Wormulon. Look at this.
Leela: This all must have something to do with the secret ingredient.
Fry: My God. What if the secret ingredient ... is people?
Leela: No. There's already a soda like that Soylent Cola.
Fry: Oh. How is it?
Leela: It varies from person to person.
Farnsworth: Ooh!
Zoidberg: Do you have any that aren't so tight around the thorax?
Glurmo: Yes, over in- Say, weren't there more people in your group at the start of the tour?
Amy: Hey, yeah. Fry, Leela and Bender are missing.
Glurmo: If you'll excuse me.
Leela: Quick.
Fry: Look! Slurm! Finally! Oh, yeah! I'm never going 12 minutes without a Slurm again.
Leela: It's the end of the line. This must be where they put in the secret ingredient.
Fry: Well, whatever it is, it's even better fresh. Mmm, still warm.
Fry: Ew!
Leela: Blech!
Bender: Oh, Lordy!
Leela: Fry! Fry!
Fry: That's the secret ingredient of Slurm?
Leela: That's the only ingredient of Slurm.
Fry: Ew!
Bender: I'll save us! Oh, that feels good!
Fry: Thanks, Bender!
Leela: The exit! We made it.
Bender: Uh, Your Majesty, I brought the prisoners.
Glurmo: Well, my curious friends, you learned the secret of Slurm. That concludes the portion of the tour where you stay alive.
Leela: You wish, you slimy worm! Hi-yah!
Slurm Queen: Good work, Glurmo. You have pleased your queen.
Small Glurmo #2: Thank you, Your Majesty.
Small Glurmo #1: Thanks, ma'am.
Leela: How can you trick people into drinking something that comes out of your behind? It's disgusting.
Slurm Queen: Is it? Honey comes from a bee's behind. Milk comes from a cow's behind. And have you ever used toothpaste?
Fry: Whose behind does that come from?
Slurm Queen: You don't wanna know.
Bender: Look, we just came to party with Slurms MacKenzie. By the way, when is that scheduled?
Slurm Queen: Never! To the torture cave!
Slurm Queen: You, my metal friend, will have the honour of becoming 174 Slurm cans.
Bender: Ah, this trip is turning into a big letdown.
Slurm Queen: As for you, you will be submerged in Royal Slurm which, in a matter of minutes, will transform you into a Slurm Queen like myself.
Small Glurmo #1: But, Your Highness, she's a commoner. Her Slurm will taste foul.
Slurm Queen: Yes! Which is why we'll market it as New Slurm. Then, when everyone hates it, we'll bring back Slurm Classic, and make billions!
Fry: What about me?
Slurm Queen: You are free to go.
Fry: Yes!
Slurm Queen: If you can resist this concentrated super Slurm! It's so delicious, you'll eat until you explode! Oh, which reminds me, put a tarp over that sofa, will you? Bon appétit!
Fry: Mmm!
Slurm Queen: Farewell! Oh, and congratulations again on winning the contest.
Leela: Fry, untie us, quick!
Fry: Here I come. Let me just- One more taste.
Leela: You pig. Stop stuffing your craw and save us.
Bender: I can't see what's happening. Are we boned?
Leela: Yeah, we're boned.
Fry: I can't stop eating this delicious ooze. But I'm not gonna let you die.
Leela: Hurry!
Bender: What's happening? Just in time!
Fry: Nooo! I could fit if I didn't have these damn arms!
Leela: We're close to the exit. I can smell those filthy orange guys.
Slurms: Stop right there!
Bender: Slurms MacKenzie?
Slurms: Shh! I want you to take me with you.
Fry: Say what?
Slurms: I'm partied out. All I want is to stay home and rent videos and watch them with a few friends. Is that so much to ask?
Bender: Forget it, pal. It says on this bottle-cap you have to party with us.
Slurms: Alright, when we get to Earth. But please don't invite too many people, I wanna keep it small.
Bender: No can do, Slurms!
Slurms: This way!
Leela: She's gaining on us.
Slurms: Go on without me, I'll hold her off.
Fry: But she'll crush you like a worm ... crushing a smaller worm.
Slurms: It's alright. I'm so tired of partying. So very tired. I'll save you the only way I know how By partying! Babes.
Dixie: Yes, Mr. MacKenzie?
Slurms: You've served me well these 40 years, but this time I've got to party alone.
Trixie: But-
Slurms: There'll be other parties for you. Now go. Go!
Bender: Party on, Slurms!
Slurms: Party on, contest winners. Party on.
Slurm Queen: No! We're ruined! They know our disgusting secret!
Farnsworth: Commissioner, my crew has made a horrific discovery It seems that Slurm is produced in a colossal worm hiney!
Commissioner: Hmm, "hiney", you say? Why, with your testimony we'll finally be able to outlaw this insidious Slurm.
Fry: Outlaw Slurm? Uh, don't pay any attention to him, sir...
Fry: Grandpa's making up crazy stories again.
Farnsworth: I'm not your grandpa, you're my uncle! From the year 2000!
Commissioner: OK, grandpa, we'll take care of the "bad worms", don't you worry.
Fry: Ah, I just wish Slurms MacKenzie were here to enjoy this with me.
Bender: Yeah, that Slurms sure loved to party. Whattya say we all party one last time for him?
Leela: For Slurms!
Amy: For Slurms!
Bender: For Slurms!
Farnsworth: For Slurms!
Fry: For Slurms!
Zoidberg: Whammy-wazzle!
Bender: Hey, that's not that bad.
Fry: Mmm!