Leela: Fry, I know those cookies are fresh-a-licious but they produce an awful lot of trash.
Bender: Ah!
Leela: And, Bender, that aerosol head spray makes your antenna smell nice-
Bender: Thank you.
Leela: But it's doing long-term damage to the planet.
Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got.
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I'm sending you on an extremely controversial mission.
Fry: Controversial?
Farnsworth: Oh, my, no.
Farnsworth: For this highly controversial mission you'll be towing the Juan Valdez, an orbiting supertanker full of rich Columbian dark matter.
Leela: Dark matter oil? What if we hit something? The tanker could leak.
Farnsworth: Impossible! The tanker has 6,000 hulls. So, unlike me, it's entirely leak-proof. Now, once you've hauled the tanker past the protestors-
Leela: Protestors?
Farnsworth: Correct. 6,000 hulls.
Leela: Why do we have to fly within three feet of this penguin preserve on Pluto?
Farnsworth: To avoid the tollbooth.
Fry: OK, she's all restocked with emergency jam. Let's get going.
Leela: At the risk of sounding negative No! Look, Professor, I can't participate in this mission.
Farnsworth: What are you yapping about?
Leela: This time it's your reckless disregard for the environment. In fact, I'm gonna go join those protestors.
Farnsworth: This is an outrage! I demand you hand over your captain's jacket.
Leela: This is my normal jacket. I've had it for 10 years.
Farnsworth: I said hand it over! Well, Fry, or should I say Captain Fry? No, I shouldn't. Because Bender is the new captain!
Fry: Bender?
Farnsworth: That's right. Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is perfect for the job.
Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
Fry: No fair! Leela was training me to be captain. She even let me sit in her lap and steer - in this comic I drew.
Zoidberg: Ooh! The new one's out!
Bender: Fry, the title of captain may inflate the human ego, but it's beneath the notice of my mighty robo-logic. Now look spry, men! We launch at six bells!
Waterfall Sr.: Greetings, Econauts. I'm Free Waterfall Sr., founder of Penguins Unlimited. Whoa! No, no! No applause. Every time you clap your hands you kill thousands of spores that'll some day form a nutritious fungus. Just show your approval with a mould-friendly thumbs up. Please hold your thumbs until the end. Now, folks, it's time to stop that tanker with a non-violent human circle.
Leela: Why do we have to resort to non-violence? Can't we just kick their asses?
Waterfall Sr.: Now, little lady, those people's asses are living things too.
Bender: Aye! We're hitched up tighter than Davy Jones' U-Haul! At ease, men.
Fry: I am at ease.
Bender: Mr. Fry, I like to give my first mate an informal nickname. From now on you will be known as ... Wiggles!
Fry: The hell I will! Have you even read the Captain's Handbook?
Bender: I have now. And what's Peter Parrot's first rule of captaining?
Fry: Always respect the chain o' command ... captain.
Bender: Correct, Wiggles. You've just earned an invitation to the captain's table
Zoidberg: The captain's table! What an honour!
Waterfall Sr.: Our peace ring has 'em trapped like a tiger in a washing machine!
Leela: Get ready!
Protestor #1: Look out!
Protestor #2: Hold on!
Waterfall Sr.: Here they come!
Leela: When you were planning this peace ring, didn't you realise spaceships can move in three dimensions?
Waterfall Sr.: No, I did not.
Waterfall Sr.: Folks, that tanker gave us the slip, but we'll stop 'em here on Pluto. If you're cold, rub your bodies with permafrost. It's nature's long johns. If rubbing frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey, I don't wanna be right!
Waterfall Sr.: This here is our penguin preserve.
Leela: Aw! They're so cute! They're like if puppies and kittens could have babies!
Waterfall Sr.: We use hand puppets around the young'uns to simulate a natural environment.
Leela: That's adorable!
Bender: But I suppose it's this medal I'm most proud of, Wiggles. I won it for saving the children of Earth from a giant kangaroo. It was on the Australian news, you probably didn't see it.
Zoidberg: Brilliant!
Fry: Would you cram a sock in it, Bender? Those aren't even medals, they're bottle-caps and pepperoni slices!
Bender: Thank you, steward. Wiggles, weren't you about to propose a toast to your gallant captain?
Fry: Fine, I've got a toast. To Captain Bender, he's the best ... ... at being a big jerk who's stupid and his big, ugly face is as dumb as a butt.
Bender: Eh, I've heard better.
Fry: If I were in charge I wouldn't treat you like this. You're nothing but a big blowhard.
Bender: Sir, you forget yourself! Shut up!
Fry: Being captain is obviously more important to you than being my friend. I'm going.
Bender: Going? But a captain can't drink without his first mate.
Zoidberg: You can drink with me maybe?
Bender: I don't feel like drinking.
Zoidberg: Then, if you'll excuse me, I see some ravioli that only has two shoe prints on it. Three.
Bender: Oh, Greenland is a barren land, A land that bears no green, Where there's ice and snow, And the whale fishes blow, And the-
Zoidberg: Captain, please, have some liquor. You robots need alcohol to function.
Bender: Gah! I once knew a guy ... you look like him. But he wasn't either. I'm a good captain.
Zoidberg: Please, sir, I love you like a father!
Protestor #3: Here they come. Oh, I hope they read my sign!
Leela: Bender's flying too low! And he's upside-down!
Protestor #3: He must be talking on a cell phone!
Fry: What's happening?
Zoidberg: All 6,000 hulls have been breached!
Fry: Oh, the fools! If only they'd built it with 6,001 hulls! When will they learn?
Linda: Continuing our coverage of a tragic but far away story. The crisis on Pluto worsens as dark matter spreads throughout the penguin habitat. The images are truly horrific.
Leela: I don't think any of us can understand how those poor, oil-drenched penguins feel.
Morbo: Oily humanoid! At the time of the crash, the tanker captain had an alcohol level of .08 percent - well below the legal limit for robots.
Hyper-Chicken: Son, as your lawyer, I declare y'all are in a 12-piece bucket o' trouble. But I done struck you a deal Five hours of community service cleanin' up that ol' mess you caused.
Bender: Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn't you just got me the death penalty?
Hyper-Chicken: I'd have done better but it's plum hard pleadin' a case while awaitin' trial for that there incompetence!
Bender: Yeah, uh, good luck with that.
Leela: Now you stay away from those puffin twins.
Waterfall Sr.: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks Put your hands between your buttocks. That's nature's pocket.
Leela: Uh ... I think I'll go check on Bender.
Waterfall Sr.: Watch that he doesn't pick your pocket.
Bender: Ah, can't beat fresh-squeezed!
Leela: Bender, can you at least pretend you're being punished? And clean the black parts too.
Smitty: Are they black with white feathers or white with black feathers?
Url: It don't matter, baby, they're all beautiful!
Bender: Yo, screws, more Tegrin over here? Oh, ho! What's this?
Url: Aw, man! He got away!
Smitty: I guess this is why Chief says no hugging.
Waterfall Sr.: Good work, everyone. I suggest you all go get some sleep. Me, well, I'm gonna stay up all night singing songs about penguins in a fine, piercing tenor.
Leela: Has anyone seen Bender? Bender? Here robot, robot, robot.
Leela: Hey, why weren't you Kong donkeys outside cleaning up?
Zoidberg: They sent us inside for doing an unsatisfactory job. And eating penguin eggs.
Fry: You ate most of them. So, where's Captain Bender? Off catastrophising some other planet?
Zoidberg: Damnit, Fry! He may have done wrong, but he's still your captain.
Leela: I'm worried about him. He didn't come back with the group.
Fry: He didn't?
Leela: No, and with wind-chill it's 20 degrees below absolute zero. I'd better go find him.
Fry: Wait. Let me. Bender and I have our disagreements, but we're still friends and I'm gonna show him what that means. To the ship.
Leela: Why don't you just walk? He was only about 20 yards from here.
Fry: Madam, I am in command now.
Zoidberg: Such a man! I'd follow him to hell and back, I would.
Bender: What the-? What's this water made of, ice? Forget this!
Penguin #1: Full of fish?
Bender: Not entirely.
Penguin #1: Then let's fish.
Zoidberg: Captain, I don't think we're on Pluto any longer. In fact, we may have left space as we know it.
Fry: Then where are we? You said you knew how to navigate.
Zoidberg: Stop yelling at me!
Waterfall Sr.: Folks, it's worse than we thought. Seems dark matter is nature's sex drug. It's like a perverted trail mix of penguin oestrogen, penguin Viagra and Spanish penguin fly. Why, it's making them ultra-fertile.
Leela: How ultra?
Waterfall Sr.: Well your garden variety penguin lays one egg a year. Since the spill our penguins have been laying six eggs every 15 minutes. Also, the eggs hatch in only 12 hours. Also, the males are laying eggs.
Doctor: This man is over-gasped.
Waterfall Sr.: If the birds keep multiplying there'll soon be too many to count. Before long the penguins will exhaust their food supply and starve to death.
Leela: Oh, if only we hadn't flown penguins to Pluto and dumped oil on them, this might never have happened. Can't we stop them from multiplying?
Waterfall Sr.: Yes, I reckon it is our responsibility. And thankfully we have a plan.
Leela: What is it? We'll do anything.
Waterfall Sr.: Everyone, grab your guns. I declare penguin hunting season officially open.
Leela: You can't shoot penguins. Isn't there some way to keep them from breeding?
Waterfall Sr.: Cold showers don't work on Antarctic creatures. Now surely you agree that a quick, semi-painless death is a damn sight better than weeks of starvation.
Leela: Well, I suppose... But- I mean- I joined Penguins Unlimited to love penguins, not to hunt them.
Waterfall Sr.: This time the two are one and the same! Now are you with us or are you gonna let innocent penguins suffer?
Leela: Oh, God! It's inhuman! It's like Hong Kong! I'll do it!
Waterfall Sr.: That's a good old-fashioned gun. Simple point-and-click interface. Rifle check!
Hunter #1: Oh, yeah!
Hunter #2: Wee doggy!
Leela: Hey, you're enjoying this.
Waterfall Sr.: Look, nobody enjoys shooting penguins. But if you have to shoot penguins, well, you might as well enjoy it.
Leela: I'm sorry, but if it's fun in any way it's not environmentalism.
Waterfall Sr.: Oh, really? How 'bout blowing up dams?
Leela: Yeah ... that is fun.
Waterfall Sr.: Let's conservate!
Zoidberg: It's been an honour to serve under you, sir!
Leela: Alright, this is for their own good. Don't leave orphans. Gotta kill entire families. But they're so cute. No! You can do this. It's just like murdering a little butler. I-I can't look. Oh, no! What have I done? Oh, you poor little guy! I'm so sorry I- Bender? Bend. 2] Cheese It! He stands up and takes the bullet out of his head. Leela stops crying.] What's going on? Were you hiding out with these little guys?
Bender: Of course not. Filthy ice rats! Scat! Shoo! Gah! What are you doing? Get away!
Leela: Aw! They love you!
Bender: Well I don't love them. Aw! I don't know why but when I look down at their little faces, it makes me wanna puke! In a good way!
Penguins: Stand still. It's our only hope.
Bender: That's puffin talk. Now follow me!
Leela: Stop! Stop shooting! It's me, Leela.
Hunter #2: Sorry.
Waterfall Sr.: Why aren't you firing randomly into those birds, little lady? Don't you wanna help 'em?
Leela: Not this way.
Waterfall Sr.: What? Why you're not a tree-hugging kook at all!
Leela: Look, I don't know if shooting penguins will help the environment or not. But I do know the decision shouldn't be in the hands of people who just wanna kill for fun.
Waterfall Sr.: Leela, you may just be farming some free-range truth there. On the other hand, we already made up 200 pounds of batter for penguin tempura. OK, boys, it's them or us!
Leela: No!
Waterfall Sr.: Hey! Where'd they-
Bender: Attack!
Hunter #1: Whoa!
Hunter #2: Ow!
Bender: We will fight them on the beaches! We will fight them on the glaciers!
Waterfall Sr.: Make sure they use every part of my body!
Old Man Waterfall: I'll avenge your death, son!
Leela: They used to be such peaceful birds. I suppose this was your doing.
Bender: Yep. It's like I taught 'em If it ain't black and white, peck scratch and bite! Now to take off my tuxedo. Guys, it's me! Your lovable dictator! Uh-oh!
Leela: Oh, if only we had a toboggan.
Bender: Faster! Faster!
Leela: Phew!
Bender: Oh, phew! Oh, right, they can swim. It's all coming back to me now.
Leela: It's Fry!
Bender: Wiggles?
Leela: Well, at least it'll help reduce their population.
Bender: Yeah, life is hilariously cruel. Permission to come aboard, Wiggles?
Fry: Granted. We can't take off without our captain.
Bender: Oh, and bring my toboggan.
Fry: So, Leela, were you able to help the penguins?
Leela: Well, sure. I mean ... not really. I mean ... nature will work itself out. It can't screw things up any worse than we did trying to fix things, right?
Fry: I 'unno.
Bender: Ah, quit your worrying. Thanks to my shining influence those stupid birds'll do just fine.


Leela: Guidance system?
Bender: Online.
Leela: Autopilot?
Autopilot: Present.
Leela: Dark matter indicator?
Fry: Making the noise.
Leela: All systems operational. Let's rock!
Leela: Gentlemen, I've completed my report on the crash.
Bender: Whoa! I'm not reading that crap. Summarise it in one word.
Leela: Sabotage. This is a normal L-unit. Without it, space travel is but the fevered dream of a madman.
Fry: Yep.
Bender: Of course.
Zoidberg: Doy!
Hermes: It's an important unit.
Leela: And this, my friends, is the L-unit I just removed from the ship.
Fry: That doesn't look like an "L" at all. Unless you count lowercase.
Bender: You know we don't!
Leela: Whoever did this was strong. This is 340 pounds of Tonka-tough steel.
Bender: Hmm. It should look like this. But instead it looks like this.
Fry: Who would do a thing like that?
Bender: Who could do a thing like that? And by "that", I mean this.
Zoidberg: Well, gang, it looks like we have another mystery on our hands.
Hermes: I'd better make a chart of the suspects. I'll begin by drawing a line with my straight-edge. Sweet lamprey of Santa Fe! My edge has been bent!
Amy: My javelin too! It's ruined. Now we'll never beat Jupiter State.
Zoidberg: My slinky! My cuddly, little pet slinky!
Farnsworth: What's all the hubbub?
Leela: My God! Even the Professor's been bent.
Farnsworth: That you for your sympathy, talking square of linoleum.
Bender: I'll get you fixed up. That's fine.
Amy: Wait a minute. Bender, what did you just do to the Professor?
Bender: I bent him.
Amy: Aha!
Hermes: Bender!
Zoidberg: J'accuse!
Bender: Oh, I see. A bunch of stuff gets bent so it must be the robot designed for bending.
Hermes: I know how to settle this We'll check last night's surveillance tapes.
Fry: Huh?
Amy: What tapes?
Leela: Surveillance?
Zoidberg: You've seen me naked?
Hermes: Ah. Last night's tape. It was right next to Bathroom Bloopers 4.
Bender: See? Nothing. Told you, losers.
Fry: Wait! There on the screen. It's that guy you are.
Bender: I'm sleepwalking.
Farnsworth: Dear God! We've got robots on the ceiling.
Fry: You weren't sleepwalking, you were sleep-bending!
Bender: This is quite a shock. On the other hand, it's not surprising in the least. After all, I've been bending since the day I was built.
Bender: I was born on an assembly line in the bad part of Tijuana.
Bender: Mama. Hooray! I graduated! Time to bend around Europe for a few months, then get a job bending.
Amy: You remember your own birth?
Bender: Sure. It was only four years ago.
Fry: You're only four years old?
Bender: Precocious little scamp, ain't I?
Leela: Hmm. Bender must have a pent-up need to bend that's not being satisfied by his bend-free lifestyle.
Farnsworth: Then he can't stay here. He's a menace to every straight person in the company. Go satisfy your bend lust and don't you come back to work until you do.
Robots: No more bending, no more work. Give us a raise, you big fat jerk.
Sal: Nevers!
Joey: Yo! The Mafia supports you. But don't tell no one. Spread the word.
Donbot: As the duly-elected mobsters of this union, it's our duty to support the struggle of these proud, lazy slobs.
Joey: Yeah, but what if management remains intragnizent?
Donbot: From the context it is clear what you mean. In that case, Clamps may have a little surprise for them.
Clamps: The clamps! Right?
Bender: Aw, no! A strike? Now I'll never get to bend anything. Oh, woe is Bender.
Robot #1: Hang tough, brother. Management refused our demand to switch casual Friday to Monday.
Bender: What?
Robot #2: And now they're hiring scabs at ten-times the normal wage.
Bender: Ten-times normal wage? I'll give those jerks what for!
Sal: Welcomes aboard, scab.
Bender: Great to be here.
Sal: Come on. I'll introduces you to your scab co-workers you'll be scabbing with. This here's our scab foreman.
Bender: Flexo?
Flexo: Bender?
Bender: Hey, sorry you got sent to that South American Turkish prison instead of me on account of mistaken identity.
Flexo: You bastard! They treated me like an animal and that's what I became! Nah, you're alright. Good to see you, buddy!
Sal: And here's another scab what also works here, Angle-ine.
Bender: Hello.
Sal: Hey, yous guyses wanna move that things?
Bender: Hello!
Robots: Give us a raise, you big fat jerk.
Sal: Nevers!
Bender: Ow! Um, hi, Angle-ine. Whatcha up to?
Angle-Ine: Making hangers. Guidance counsellor said I had a knack for it.
Bender: That's cool, that's cool. So, um, uh, I was wondering if, y'know, it's cool if not, but, what are you doing after work?
Angle-Ine: What I always do. Jack squat.
Bender: Me too. Man, we have a lot in common, huh?
Angle-Ine: Well we are made of virtually identical components.
Bender: Are you sure? Maybe I should sneak a peek at your access panel.
Angle-Ine: Hey, according to the scab handbook that's extremely inappropriate banter. And that's just the way I like it.
Hermes: Haile H. Selassie!
Zoidberg: There, little friend. Good as new.
Farnsworth: What an exquisite day. That azure sky, the verdant treetops. Those delightful birds with their chirp, chirp, chirp and their tweet, tweet, splat.
Fry: Professor, I've never seen you so cheerful. What the hell's wrong with you?
Farnsworth: Hmm. I'm not quite sure. Perhaps seeing things from a new perspective has reminded me of life's beauty. Or perhaps my new posture is causing blood to pool in the back of my brain, resulting in a mild delirium. Incidentally, you have a dime up your nose.
Fry: I wish! It's a nickel.
Bender: Union forever! Lousy scabs! They can't do those things! Et cetera!
Bender: I bet watching me bend girders like this turns your legs all rubbery.
Angle-Ine: Well my legs are made of rubber. And anyway, I am just as strong as you are, Mac.
Bender: Oh, yeah? Prove it. Here, let me help you.
Farnsworth: My new bent outlook has completely re-energised me. I'm even dating a young Brazilian retired actress.
Fry: Alright!
Farnsworth: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave.
Bender: Howdy, doodies. What's new?
Farnsworth: I was just regaling your former co-workers with a tale of bedroom antics, the likes of which-
Bender: Yeah, yeah! Big whoop! No one cares. I got Bender-related news. I'm in love and I'm taking all my friends out to celebrate.
Amy: Let's get liquored up!
Elzar: Hey, look at this crowd. You guys gotta try the pasta. It's got a real nice profit margin. Bam! So, special occasion tonight?
Bender: Oh, Elzar, you'll never guess what's happened?
Elzar: Bam?
Bender: I met the most dynamite ladybot.
Elzar: Hey, that's terrific. To celebrate, I'm gonna stick seven copies of my latest cookbook on your bill.
Bender: Bless you, sir.
Farnsworth: So, Bender, tell us about this new girlfriend of yours.
Bender: I intend to. Through the lost art of the toast. To Angle-ine, she's got it all. Looks, charm and the love of a fabulous bending robot.
Fry: She sure does.
Bender: Flexo!
Elzar: Careful, that's a week old!
Bender: I finally meet a nice girl with a pair of legs that don't quit unexpectedly and that jerk Flexo steals her away? It's time to kick some shiny, metal ass. You degenerate hussy! I'm disappointed in you too, Angle-ine.
Angle-Ine: Bender, it's-it's not what you think.
Bender: Oh, God! Then it's worse than I think.
Angle-Ine: Now, look, there is no reason to be upset. Flexo and I are divorced.
Bender: Div- Huh?
Flexo: We're just havin' dinner 'cause we wanna stay friends.
Bender: Uh, I knew that. What I'm actually outraged by is your choice of wine. Really, it's the steward's fault.
Steward: Excellent choice, sir.
Bender: That Flexo, I'm knockin' him right on his butt. I can't believe this.
Farnsworth: Obsessing won't help, Bender. Take a lean back and enjoy life.
Bender: I can't. My Fembot may be in love with another Manbot.
Leela: Well talk to her. Tell her about your feelings in an open an honest way.
Fry: Yeah. Either that or be a man.
Bender: OK, I've constructed an elaborate lie I'll call Angle-ine while pretending to be Flexo, arrange a date, show up disguised as him and catch her two-timing me with myself.
Fry: That's thinkin' like a man.
Bender: Hello? This is Flexo.
Bender: Now we'll see who loves whom.
Bender: Hey, hot stuff.
Angle-Ine: Hey, Flexo. So since when do you go to bars on work nights? It's not like you at all.
Bender: Nonsense. It's exactly like me. Flexo The fun-loving love machine Fembots love to love. Hey, barkeep, I'll have a Fuzzy Navel and she'll have the girliest drink in the house.
Bartender-Bot: Two Fuzzy Navel's comin' up.
Bender: I hope they can make change for a fortune.
Joey: Yo. Get an eye-load of that filthy scab with the beard flashing his filthy scab money. It's an insult to you, boss.
Donbot: Yeah. That cash oughta be slushin' my fund and kicksing my back.
Clamps: I'm greasing up my whoozits!
Donbot: Whoa, whoa, Clamps, not yet. Let's just keep an eye on him and see if he does it a couple more times.
Bender: You're lookin' good to Flexo tonight.
Angle-Ine: Quit makin' with the googly eyes. You know that I'm in love with Bender.
Bender: Bender? That walking wuss factory?
Angle-Ine: Well he may be a walking factory but believe me he is no wuss. Now, look, you and me are through. I told you that when I divorced you.
Bender: But going through a divorce together, you can't tell me that didn't bring us closer. Care to dance?
Angle-Ine: You know I love dancing but you always hated it.
Bender: In that case it's something I've always wanted to make up to you. Hey, scratchmo. How 'bout dropping me and the lady some rump-rattling beats?
Donbot: I had hoped that by the second time he flashed his cash my rage would have subsided. Sadly that has not happened.
Angle-Ine: You used to be so inflexible, Flexo. You have really loosened up!
Bender: I recently upgraded my funk card. C'mon!
Angle-Ine: Alright!
Bender: C'mon now, what's new! Ew!
Angle-Ine: Flexo? What-What's going on?
Bender: Um...
Angle-Ine: Flexo!
Bender: So the moral of the story is If you want it to stay sunk, tie a weight to it!
Angle-Ine: You always were a kick in the teeth, man.
Bender: Aw, shucks, thunder-buns! You make me feel like a million volts.
Angle-Ine: Flexo, Flexo, Flexo. I'm starting to remember why I fell for you in the first place.
Bender: So, she's falling for Flexo, eh? I'd better seduce her a little more, just to be sure.
Angle-Ine: Well, it's late. I should get home to my trailer.
Bender: I'll walk you out. After all, a true gentleman tends to his date's every need. Tiparillo?
Bender: Here you are, my lad. Bring the lady's car around in the finest way possible.
Joey: He's flashin' his cash loaf again.
Donbot: How many times is that? Two or three?
Clamps: Three.
Donbot: Alright. That's the necessary number of times. That scab's gonna have a little on-the-job accident.
Joey: With all due respect, Donbot, I don't think we should rely on an accident happening. Let's kill him ourselves.
'Angle-Ine: Well, goodnight. I-I had a great time.
Bender: How 'bout a lift? To your place.
Angle-Ine: What?
Bender: Admit it. You felt something for me tonight. And by "me" I mean Flexo.
'Angle-Ine: Hey, look, I had fun, but-
Bender: But?
'Angle-Ine: But-
Bender: But?
Angle-Ine: But... Huh? Bender! You tricked me.
Bender: That's right, baby. I ain't your lover boy, Flexo, the guy you love so much. You even love anybody pretending to be him.
Angle-Ine: Well maybe I love you so much I love you no matter who you're pretending to be.
Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that! There's only one reasonable course of action now Kill Flexo. Ow!
Angle-Ine: Nooo!
Flexo: Thanks, I appreciate that. Nah, I'm joshing you. That was quite annoying.
Bender: You call yourself divorced? You're making a mockery of one of our oldest institutions.
Flexo: What?
Clamps: Alright, boss, give the word and I'll drop this unbendable girder. Clamp, clamp, ka-bamp!
Donbot: Remember, only kill the one with the beard. That other filthy scab we got nothing against.
Flexo: That's low!
Angle-Ine: Please stop! I'm not worth it!
Bender: Probably not. But I love you and I'm gonna kick his ass till I win you back.
Donbot: OK, Clamps. Now!
Clamps: Ooh, that's gotta clamp!
Angle-Ine: Flexo? Are you OK?
Flexo: Yeah, never better. Nah, I'm yankin' your chain, I'm dying.
Angle-Ine: You can't die. Tonight Bender showed me that I love you.
Bender: But, I love you.
Angle-Ine: I know and I care for you too. But I could never love anyone as much as you made me realise I love Flexo.
Bender: But ... but... I love you so much, Angle-ine, I want you to be happy no matter what.
Angle-Ine: What, what are you saying?
Bender: I'm saying I've got an unbendable girder to bend.
Angle-Ine: You can't bend that girder. It's unbendable!
Bender: Well I don't know anything about lifting, so that just leaves us the one option.
Flexo: Thanks, buddy. Another year under that and I'd have been a goner.
Angle-Ine: I'll always remember this, Bender.
Bender: Me too. Me too. Jerk.
Leela: So Flexo and Angle-ine had sex right there on the factory floor? Well, at least you got bending out of your system.
Bender: Yes. I won't be up to bending again for a long, long time.
Farnsworth: Perhaps it's your outlook that needs a good bend. A 90-degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
Fry: Professor, we're all sick of your upbeat attitude.
Amy: I'll say.
Zoidberg: Believe it.
Farnsworth: Nonsense. It's just like in the song I wrote (singing) We all need a new angle on life, You gotta bend away all your trouble and your strife,
Leela: Bender, you've gotta help us.
Bender: I try to get out but they keep pulling me back in.
Farnsworth: You gotta dangle, Have a new angle, Wangle a new dangle on life,
Amy: No, Bender! The other way.
Bender: I like him better this way.
Farnsworth: I'm sad now.
Leela: Eh, it's fine.


Amy: Is Nibbler stoked for the big pet show?
Leela: He ought to be with all the strict training I've been putting him through. Nibbler, roll over and you get a ham. Roll over. Roll over for the ham. You are so adorable! Who wants a ham?
Farnsworth: Zooka barooka! First prize is $500 and a year's supply of dog food!
Bender: "$500", you say?
Zoidberg: "Dog food", you say?
Fry: Man, that's dog's gonna be hard to beat. Look at him bring in the sheep! One sheep, two sheep ... ... three sheep.
Leela: The dog's good, but our real competition is the Hypno-Toad. Your turn, Nibbler, honey. Herd those sheep!
Amy: Come on, Nibbler!
Bender: Ma'am, I have a late entry My hard-shelled wooping terrier, Mr. Zoidberg.
Bender: Faster! Faster.
Zoidberg: Ow!
Bender: Suck in that gut! You wanna be spayed?
Bender: Silence, you cur! Puff out that brisket!
Bender: I should be weeping! I'm not weeping!
Fry: I love these things!
Leela: Shake paws, Nibbler. Come on, shake. He might be a little hungry. Shake, boy. Usually he's had more ham by now. Shake!
Judge #1: Third prize, a party-sized keg of guinea pigs, goes to Dave Spiegel and his owner, Fluffers. Second prize, this lovely afghan made from an Afghan, goes to Bender and his wooping terrier.
Bender: Second place? That's a fancy word for losing. You didn't stick your landing!
Zoidberg: Forgive me, my friend.
Bender: Never!
Judge #1: And before we announce the winner we have a special award for a first-time contestant Ms. Leela and her mystery pet, Nibbler!
Leela: Me? Award? Him? Me? Good?
Judge #1: That's just the kind of eloquence you'd expect from the owner of Dumbest Pet in Show. And the grand prize winner ... ... the Hypno-Toad. All glory to the Hypno-Toad.
Leela: Maybe they're right. Maybe Nibbler is dumb.
Fry: Don't listen to them, Leela. People said I was dumb, but I proved them.
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We were supposed to make a delivery to the planet Tweenis 12 but it's been completely destroyed.
Leela: Why is that good news?
Farnsworth: They paid in advance.
Bender: Excuse me.
Hermes: This is mighty strange. First, the civilisation of Space Rome collapsed, then Don Martin 3 went kaflooie and now Tweenis 12.
Fry: Looks like this planet is next in line.
Leela: That's Earth. The planet we live on.
Fry: I'd hate to be those guys.
Hermes: What's got into him? He's twitching like Zoidberg when someone mentions the word "food".
Zoidberg: What, now?
Leela: No! Nibbler, come back!
Leela: Too bad Nibbler's not around. I guess I'll have to eat this raw, dripping ham by myself. Nibbler? Nibbler, you're scaring me. Nibbler? Am I going crazy? Have my years of wild hedonism finally caught up with me? Nibbler, help! Don't leave me here. Uh, Nibbler? Could you scooch the seat up just a little bit?
Fry: Leela back yet?
Bender: Fry, help me! My heart stopped beating!
Fry: You don't have a heart; you're a robot.
Bender: Sure ... right. Robot! Oh, Fry! My skin's all dry and clanky.
Fry: Well, yeah. Robots are made of metal.
Bender: Am I a robot?
Fry: Bender, if this is some kind of scam, I don't get it. You already have my power of attorney.
Bender: Fry! My skin!
Farnsworth: Ow. Ow. Ow. I'm a genius. Ow. Ow.
Fry: Dr. Zoidberg, why is everyone acting so weird?
Zoidberg: Zoidy want balloon! Want balloon now! Zoidy want go outside!
Fry: I just let you back in!
Leela: This is unbelievable. I thought you were a furry little moron. But here you are flying an adorable spaceship. If only you could talk. Wait! I understood that! You say you're transmitting your thoughts directly to my brain. You say those awful flying brains are making everyone on Earth stupid? Oh, stupider. And you go on to say that we're headed for your home planet where your race has lived since the beginning of the universe? So, how did the universe begin? Then the meaning of existence- So every religion is wrong!
Linda: You fell! Hi! Today some bad things happened. One bad thing was a train got crashed in New Jersey. Wanna see? People won't be late for work though, because the governor lady said, "I'm sending in more trains!"
Woman: Go!
Man: Wait for me! Wait for me!
Morbo: Morbo can't understand his TelePrompTer. He forgot how you say that letter that looks like a man with a hat.
Linda: It's a "T". It goes "tuh".
Morbo: Hello, little man. I will destroy you!
Fry: Man, even the news monster is acting strange. What are we gonna do?
Farnsworth: Duh, I know! Let's play the lottery!
Amy: No. Let's buy Internet stock!
Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidy wanna buy on margin!
Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible!
Fry: Wait a minute! I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots!
Bender: Hey, let's all join the Reform Party!
Hermes: Oh, yeah!
Ken: Welcome back, Lord Nibbler, Ambassador to Earth, homeworld of the pizza bagel.
Nibbler: Thank you. I bear many receipts for reimbursement.
Fiona: The four welcomes of friendship to you as well, Leela. We shall manipulate your mind so we appear to be speaking your language. Do not be afraid, my child.
Leela: I'm not afraid.
Fiona: Uh, good. Good.
Leela: So, your real name is Lord Nibbler? That's a coincidence.
Nibbler: That name is for your sake. In the time it would take to pronounce one letter of my true name, a trillion cosmoses would flair into existence and sink into eternal night.
Leela: Oh, you're all so cute!
Ken: No, we're not. We Nibblonians are an ancient and powerful race. Behold. When the universe was forged in the crucible of the Big Bang, our mighty race was already 17 years old.
Leela: Aww!
Ken: For the first millisecond of time, things were OK. But then there arose a terrible enemy The Brain Spawn. Ever since, we have waged unceasing war against these dreadful-
Nibblonian Chef: Lunch is ready.
Ken: Then let the feast of a thousand hams begin.
Leela: So why are these Brain Spawn attacking Earth, Nibbler?
Nibbler: The Brain Spawn hate all consciousness. The thoughts of others screech at them like the forced laughs of a billion art house movie patrons.
Ken: Thus, they travel from world to world making everyone stupid in order to wipe out all thought in the universe.
Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God! They're like flying televisions.
Fiona: And even we are powerless to stop them, fearsome though we are.
Nibbler: There is but one being who can resist them. A child of destiny whose bizarre brain wave pattern makes him immune to the Brain Spawn attack. He is the hope of the universe. The fate of your world, perhaps all worlds, rests in his special mind.
Leela: Now, when you say "special"...
Fry: Attention, New New Yorkers. Stop acting so stupid!
Ken: Nibblonian fleet holding at perimeter of moron zone, formerly known as "Earth".
Leela: Why would Fry be immune to the flying brains? Because he doesn't shower?
Fiona: The Brain Spawn suppress intelligence by attacking the delta brain wave. Every animal and robot in the universe generates this wave, as do certain trees.
Nibbler: Fry, however, does not.
Fiona: Somehow he has cobbled together a random assortment of other brain waves into a working mind.
Leela: Like a prom dress made from carpet remnants.
Nibbler: Yes, like your prom dress.
Ken: The Brain Spawn are commanded by a giant, evil brain with a gooey centre of pure hate.
Fiona: Only Fry, with his superior, yet inferior mind, can approach him. You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest.
Leela: You can count on me.
Fiona: No, we can't. Once on Earth, you will be too stupid to remember the message.
Nibbler: That's why we wrote it down for you.
Ken: We've also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens.
Fry: Time to re-educate you dunce-bags. We'll start with US presidents. This was our first president, George Washington. Let's review. Who was our first president?
Amy: Um.
Bender: A pickle jar?
Washington: Thomas Jefferson?
Fry: Leela! I've been so worried. Are you a bonehead?
Leela: I ... have to tell ... must ... important ... something-
Fry: Whoa, whoa! Slow down. You're going a mile a minute.
Leela: This! You for this!
Fry: Thanks!
Leela: No! Ow! Fire hot.
Farnsworth: The professy will help! Fire indeed hot!
Arthur: Oh! Chester A. Arthur fall down.
Leela: Brain. Brain make people dumb.
Fry: No, Leela. Brain make people smart.
Leela: You go fight biggest brain of all.
Fry: Even bigger than those? Holy nuts! Where is it?
Leela: I 'unno!
Fry: Hm. A giant brain is basically a giant nerd. And where would a giant nerd be? The libary!
Big Brain: Pathetic human race. Arranging their knowledge by category just made it easier to absorb. Dewey, you fool, your decimal system has played right into my hands! What do you want?
Fry: I'm here to kick your ass.
Big Brain: Wishful thinking. We have long since evolved beyond the need for asses. Odd. My stupefaction field is having no effect on your ability to think.
Fry: That's right. And I think you'll find that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing! OK, better think of a new plan. Come on, Fry, think! Thinking ... thinking...
Big Brain: Oh! Stop that!
Fry: Hey! Thinking hurts him. Maybe I can think of a way to use that. Aha! Prepare to be thought at. Leela, give me a topic.
Leela: Duh...
Fry: Seriously, I can't think of anything. Gotta find something to make me think. Hardy Boys, too easy. Nancy Drew, too hard. Aha! Perfect! Bonfire of the Vanities!
Big Brain: No! It's unbearable!
Fiona: The brains are weakening. Nibblonians to Nibble stations. Prepare cuddle bug for deployment in 40 nibblets.
Nibbler: Sometimes I fear we are cute.
Fiona: Oh, niggle-snoosh!
Fry: Take that! And that! This sentence I don't understand but take this one!
Big Brain: You have not won yet. Each book in this room is a gateway to a mental realm and I shall take you there and imprison you forever.
Leela: Icky!
Fry: Where are we?
Ahab: A gold doubloon to the man who first spies the white whale.
Queequeg: Big whale over there.
Ahab: Arr! I saw it first!
Queequeg: Wait! That no white whale. It grey, think-y whale!
Fry: Queequeg, let go of me! I have to kill it!
Big Brain: Farewell! You will all be trapped in this dense, symbolist tome forever!
Fry: Follow him! It's our only way out!
Fry: Excuse me, have you seen a giant brain?
Tom Sawyer: Yep. I let him help me whitewash Aunt Polly's fence.
Big Brain: Tom Sawyer, you tricked me. This is less fun than previously indicated. Let this corny slice of Americana be your tomb for all eternity.
Tom Sawyer: Please, no!
Fry: Come on!
Woman: Mr. Fry, Mama tells us you're quite the oddity; a bachelor at your age.
Fry: You think I'm an oddity? Wait'll you see-
Butler: Presenting the most eligible landowner in all Hertfordshire, Mr. Brainly.
Big Brain: I'm a gigantic brain!
Man #1: I say!
Man #2: Most un-gentleman-like!
Woman: Mr. Brainly, what news have you of the London season?
Big Brain: Well-
Fry: Hey, Brain-y! Think fast!
Big Brain: I always think fast.
Ahab: The whale! He be white now!
Fry: Leela, I've got an idea. Stay here with Queequeg.
Leela: Is there Mrs. Queequeg?
Fry: Yes! I'm free! Alright, Brain. Get ready for some electroshock treatment!
Leela: Fry, don't die! Wake up! Nooo!
Fry: Leela cried for her lost love as Fry lay dead under the heavy bookcase. The Big Brain laughed in triumph... Then, for no reason, he left Earth forever. The end. There! Now he's trapped in a book I wrote; a crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors.
Big Brain: The Big Brain am winning again. I am the greetest! Now I am leaving Earth for no raeson!
Nibbler: The Big Brain is defeated. Let what must be done be done.
Leela: Me ... feel ... a bit better in cognitive faculties.
Fry: I did it! And it's all thanks to the books at my local library.
Nibbler: And so life returned to normal, or as normal as it gets on this primitive dirtball inhabited by psychotic apes.
Nibbler: Thanks to the effect of the brain rays, the people of Earth had no memory of what had transpired, except Fry, and no one believed him or cared what he had to say.
Nibbler: I, meanwhile, returned to my post, ever vigilant, lest Earth again come under Brain attack. And when that day comes, God help us. God help us all.
Leela: Time for a diap-y change!
Nibbler: End transmission.


Leela: This place was a great choice. The food is amazing. And such generous portions.
Doug: You like the meal just wait until you try these after-dinner mints.
Leela: You know, Doug, most guys are put off by my eye. It's nice to finally meet someone who's open-minded. Ew!
Fry: What was wrong with your date last night?
Leela: I don't know. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Possibly his vile lizard tongue.
Amy: You're too picky.
Fry: Yeah. If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low I.Q. or an explosive violent temper, of course you're gonna be lonely.
Leela: There's nothing wrong with having high standards. Now can we please stop-
Zoidberg: The female Leela's problem is purely medical. Soon she will drop her eggs and they will hatch and all will be well.
Amy: You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later you realise he actually has a really good body.
Leela: Thank you all for the inspiring advice, but I'm perfectly happy with my life the way it is.
Bender: That sounds like a cry for help.
Amy: Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great places to meet people.
Hermes: The Federal Sex Bureau.
Bender: A saucy puppet show.
Zoidberg: The rotting carcass of a whale.
Amy: Hmm, I'll pick!
Amy: Oh, wow! It's totally retro!
Fry: Why's everyone wearing those rings?
Amy: Guh! Because nobody wears them anymore! Rings are stupid!
Fry: I think they look cool.
Amy: Sh! Don't let anyone hear you say that!
Man: Hey, did that guy just say rings are cool?
Amy: Nope, he said they're stupid.
Man: Cool!
Amy: So what do you think of that guy by the bar?
Leela: I don't know. Maybe?
Bender: Forget it, he's gay.
Leela: What? How can you tell?
Bender: I just know these things. I've got what they call gaydar.
Leela: There's no such thing.
Bender: No? OK, I got a lock on him. Yep! He's gay!
Amy: Are you sure?
Bender: Definitely. Unless I'm getting interference from a gay weather balloon.
21St-Century Girl: You're from the 20th century? That's incredible! I'm from the 21st century.
Fry: No way! We've got so much in common.
21St-Century Girl: We sure do. Remember when those cyborgs enslaved humanity?
Fry: Uh, yeah! That rings a bell.
Amy: This is Bolt Rolands. Bolt is a hyper-sled racer with 10 wins on the pro-circuit.
Bolt: Hello, beautiful!
Bender: I think she means 10 wins on the gay circuit.
Bolt: I wish! Those cats can really fly.
Amy: This is M5438, an entity of pure energy.
Leela: That's great, really, but he's just not what I'm looking for.
M-5438: I understand. One day you will evolve beyond your physical body, and on that day I hope you will pick up the phone.
Amy: You're impossible.
Bender: Just as well; I think he comes from a dimension that's big on musical theatre.
Fry: Pst. I need the apartment tonight. Go see a saucy puppet show.
Bender: Can do!
The Hip Joint Janitor: My, my, my! What's a beautiful lady like you- Oh, my! Eurgh! I'm sorry, I thought you had two eyes.
Bender: So, Leela, you must have had your pick of the litter last night at closing time.
Leela: Could you guys please stop talking about my personal life?
Farnsworth: Yes, let's all talk about Leela's personal life later. But right now we have business to attend to.
Fry: A delivery?
Farnsworth: No. A tax-deductible mission of charity.
Computer Voice: This is Vergon 6.
Farnsworth: This is Vergon 6.
Amy: Buh!
Farnsworth: It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals.
Leela: Animals?
Farnsworth: That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds.
Leela: Wait! What about the animals?
Farnsworth: Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow.
Leela: Yes, but what about the animals?
Farnsworth: The wha?
Leela: The animals.
Farnsworth: I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals.
Leela: So we have to bring back two of each kind. Just like Noah's Ark.
Bender: Why two? Oh!
Fry: I bet you Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye.
Bender: That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes, then poke one out.
Fry: Yeah, that'd be a timesaver.
Leela: Do you mind?
Bender: Here you go. You can use this as an eye-poker.
Leela: Thank you. But I don't care how many eyes a man has ... as long as it's less than five. All I'm looking for is a guy who's adventurous, self-confident...
Leela: ...maybe a snappy dresser.
Zapp: These new uniforms are pretty snappy, eh, first officer?
Kif: I suppose, Captain. I'm not as big a fan of velour as you are. Now what do you want to do about that unidentified ship?
Zapp: Destroy them! Mmm! That's got a nice feel to it.
Zapp: Captain's journal Star date, 3000.3.
Kif: Who are you talking to, sir?
Zapp: You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner ... ravioli, ham, sundae bar.
Leela: Hey, look! That's Zapp Brannigan's ship.
Fry: Wow! The Zapp Brannigan?
Leela: Uh-huh!
Fry: Who's the Zapp Brannigan?
Kif: Shall I fire on them now, sir?
Zapp: Not yet, Kif. In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces. What?
Leela: They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the Octillian System from a horde of rampaging Killbots.
Fry: Wow!
Bender: A grim day for robot-kind. Ah, but we can always build more Killbots!
Leela: He's the most decorated captain in the whole Democratic Order of Planets.
Fry: Leela's got a boyfriend!
Leela: No I don't. But I think we ought to meet with him and see if he'll help us rescue those animals.
Bender: Well, just in case you guys hit it off, you'll wanna take this with you.
Kif: Sir, they're headed straight for us.
Zapp: A well-calculated move straight out of Sun Tzu's classic text The Art Of War, or my own masterwork Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War. But the one thing their captain doesn't realise and never will is that-
Kif: Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard.
Zapp: Then I have risked all and lost. Kif, old man, I'll be in the escape pod. If that wicker chair I like survives the slaughter, have it sent to my P.O. box.
Leela: Hello, I'm Leela, captain of the Planet Express delivery ship. We've come aboard to plead for your assistance.
Kif: Well, if there's anything-
Zapp: I'm in command here. Zapp Brannigan. Has my fame preceded me or was I too quick for you?
Leela: Oh, not at all. I'm just so, uh, really thrilled to meet you!
Zapp: You're an impressive piece of captain. Beautiful and deadly - a potent combination.
Leela: You don't mean that!
Zapp: But I do. I doubt I've seen more than three or four captains sexier than you, and only one who was deadlier.
Fry: I heard that one time you single-handedly defeated a horde of rampaging somethings in the something-something-system.
Zapp: The Killbots? A trifle! It was simply a matter of outsmarting them.
Fry: Wow! I never would have thought of that!
Zapp: You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shutdown. Kif, show them the medal I won.
Zapp: More, please. A little more ... more ... keep going.
Leela: Captain Brannigan, we really need to talk to you about our mission.
Zapp: Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right, men?
Crewman: You suck!
Leela: We're hoping to save the animals of Vergon 6 from extinction. And if you could just-
Zapp: Vergon 6? This light dinner is over.
Leela: Wait! What's wrong?
Zapp: The Democratic Order of Planets prohibits interfering with undeveloped worlds. It's a little rule known as "Brannigan's Law".
Leela: But people already interfered. That planet was mined completely hollow.
Zapp: Yes, by a Democratic Order of Planets mining crew.
Leela: This doesn't make any sense.
Zapp: I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely enforce it.
Leela: Fine! We'll save the animals without your help.
Zapp: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Guards!
Fry: What just happened?
Bender: He's throwing us in prison.
Fry: Dang! Can I get this wrapped up?
Leela: Ow! I might've liked Zapp Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison.
Bender: You really are too picky.
Zapp: Kif, follow me up to the observation deck. I've got some musing to do.
Kif: Oh, jeez!
Zapp: I'm facing a formidable female adversary, Kif. Suggestions?
Kif: I fail to see any problem, sir. You already imprisoned her under directive B-10.8-1.
Zapp: You mean Brannigan's Law?
Kif: Right, that law.
Zapp: Which one?
Kif: Brannigan's Law.
Zapp: Kif, you're my best and most loyal friend but you've earned my contempt once again. As my protégé you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. This time we are sure she's a woman, right?
Kif: Yes.
Zapp: Good! Invite her to my quarters. Oh, and have the boy lay out my formal shorts.
Kif: "The boy", sir?
Zapp: You. You lay out my formal shorts.
Kif: The jackass wants to see you in his quarters.
Leela: Good. This will be my chance to reason with him, captain to captain.
Kif: And he wants you to wear this.
Zapp: Come and get it!
Zapp: Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, "the Lovenasium". Sham-pag-in?
Leela: I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer.
Zapp: Well I have studied abroad. Or two!
Leela: Captain-
Zapp: Uh-huh?
Leela: If we could speak seriously for a moment-
Zapp: Uh-huh?
Leela: I'd like you to reconsider letting us rescue those animals.
Zapp: Mm-hm. I like your style. I find it very... (whispering) erotic.
Leela: What?
Zapp: Erotic!
Fry: We can definitely escape, Bender. All you have to do is bend the hatch off this steam pipe.
Bender: Hey, yeah!
Fry: No good! It's full of steam!
Zapp: You look like a woman who enjoys the finer things. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread.
Leela: I'm not really in the mood.
Zapp: Leela, it's real velour. Just let yourself go.
Leela: Can I please just go back to prison?
Zapp: You'd rather sit in prison than spend one evening with the Zapper?
Leela: Much rather! What are you doing?
Zapp: Oh, God, I'm pathetic. Sorry. Just go. You want the rest of the sham-pag-in?
Leela: No. And it's pronounced "sham-pane".
Zapp: Oh, God, no!
Leela: It's not a big deal.
Zapp: I get so lonely. I just thought you, a fellow captain, would understand.
Leela: Oh, forget it.
Zapp: Yeah, it's great ordering people around and stuff but through it all you're completely alone.
Leela: It comes with the job.
Zapp: I'm just so lonely!
Leela: Oh, come on. Cheer up. It's not that bad.
Fry: You wanna try escaping again?
Bender: Nah, I'm comfy.
Fry: Man, Leela's been gone a long time. I hope she's at least making progress with Zapp Brannigan.
Zapp: Good morning, lover.
Leela: Uh, listen, Zapp.
Zapp: Now you're officially my woman. Kudos! I can't say I don't envy you.
Leela: Zapp, last night was a mistake.
Zapp: A sexy mistake.
Leela: No, just a regular mistake. For a split second my common sense was overwhelmed by pity.
Zapp: A split second is all it takes. That's why sooner or later you'll come crawling back to the Zapper.
Leela: The only kind of crawling I'm doing to you is away ... from!
Zapp: Leela, you're obviously confused and aroused.
Leela: Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not.
Zapp: Go ahead. I won't stop you.
Leela: Threaten all you- Wait. What?
Zapp: We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy ... bam!
Leela: Eurgh!
Zapp: Kif!
Kif: Yes- Yes, Captain?
Zapp: I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.
Kif: The fatso says you're free to go.
Fry: Really? Why?
Kif: "Why" indeed.
Fry: What does that mean?
Leela: Nothing.
Bender: So should we get our stuff and head down to the planet?
Leela: We just talked, OK?!
Leela: Alright, we don't have much time to collect these animals. The planet is supposed to collapse in approximately two hours ago.
Leela: Hello, there. Hmm. He doesn't seem to be on the checklist.
Bender: So, you're saying we can cook him?
Fry: Yeah, a barbecue! I'll wear my hilarious apron.
Leela: No! I don't care how hilarious your apron is, we're not cooking him. Aww! I'll call him Nibbler.
Bender: Aww! (whispering to Fry) I'll fire up the grill!
Leela: I hope he'll be OK in there with all those big animals.
Zapp: Y'know, Kif, once my woman returns I won't have much time to hang out with the boys anymore.
Kif: That's a shame, sir.
Zapp: So let's make the most of our time together, shall we? Never mind. Just give me a back rub.
Bender: I found a pair of hermaphlamingos.
Leela: Good. That's the last species.
Bender: Hey. What the-?
Fry: Where'd they all go?
Leela: Nibbler!
Fry: I can't believe we flew halfway across the galaxy and enjoyed a steam just to get lunch for that stupid animal!
Bender: He's pending for a bending.
Leela: Leave him alone. It's not his fault that he's an unstoppable killing machine. Is it, snoogums?
Fry: The planet's kerploding!
Leela: Prepare for lift-off. We're out of fuel. Bender, I told you to fill the tank before we left.
Bender: Yeah, I'll do it when we get back.
Fry: Man, lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby.
Leela: No way! Forget it! I refuse to go crawling back to him!
Fry: What? What are you talking about?
Leela: Nothing. We just talked.
Bender: So what's your problem? It's not like you slept with him. Oh, my God!
Fry: How could you, Leela? I thought you had some standards. I mean, jeez, he's a dumb, gross gorilla!
Leela: That's enough! Don't you think I feel bad enough already?
Fry: No!
Leela: Alright, alright. I'll call him. I mean, if living is that important to you.
Zapp: And that's why you'll never make captain, Kif. Hmm.
Leela: Hello, Zapp?
Zapp: Well, well, well!
Leela: Zapp, we're out of fuel...
Leela: ...and Vergon 6 is about to implode. We need your help.
Zapp: So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious.
Leela: Bird's don't crawl.
Zapp: They've been known to.
Leela: Look, are you going to rescue us or not?
Zapp: Can't you ask a little more ... sexfully?
Leela: Please?
Leela: Big Z?
Zapp: Certainly. But first you'll have to get rid of that thing. That's the law, Leela. And Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love Hard and fast!
Zapp: Now put that greasy rat outside and we'll tow you to safety.
Leela: I would never abandon a helpless animal. Y'know, Zapp, once I thought you were a big, pompous buffoon. Then I realised that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realise that outside that child is a big, pompous buffoon!
Zapp: And which one rocked your world?
Fry: Wow! Way to tell that guy off. Now what's your secret escape plan?
Leela: Uh, I guess to sit here and wait for death.
Bender: Can do!
Bender: What the hell was that?
Fry: Pew!
Leela: I don't believe it! It's dark matter.
Bender: So this guy just unloaded a steaming pile of starship fuel?
Leela: His species must've filled the entire planet with it. Did you do that, you cute little- Come on. That should be more than enough fuel to get us outta here. Bender, pick it up and put it in the engine.
Leela: We made it! And some of the animals survived.
Bender: So a couple of animals didn't die and Leela got lucky. That's what I call a successful mission!
Fry: We're heroes!
Leela: Dear Captain's Diary I may not have found love on this mission but I did find a cute little companion who excretes starship fuel. And that's just as good.
Zapp: Captain's journal Star date ... uh.
Kif: April 13th.
Zapp: April 13th ... point two.
Zapp: We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars? Kif, I'm asking you a question!


Humorbot 5.0: So I says, "Super collider? I just met her!" And then they built the super collider. Thank you, you've been a great audience.
Florp: Humorbot 5.0, ladies and gentlemen. Our next stand-up's a veteran of four comedy traffic schools. Give it way up for Bobcat Zoidberg!
Fry: Alright!
Leela: Yeah!
Bender: Alright, Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Earth What a planet. On Earth, you enjoy eating a tasty clam. On my planet, clams enjoy eating a tasty you. Maybe I'm not yelling loud enough. On Earth, everybody is always looking for a giant squid. On my planet-
Bender: Reload.
Zoidberg: So these three parasitic worms bore into a human's head-
Woman #1: Ew, gross.
Zoidberg: And they walk up to the bar and then- Uh-oh. Wait, stop! I've got more!
Zoidberg: My whole life I worked on that act. And they hated it.
Hermes: You're a crazy, penniless, lobster doctor. No combination of you should be a comedian.
Zoidberg: But comedy is in my valves. My Uncle Harold was a big Hollywood star back in the era of silent holograms.
Leela: Your uncle was Harold Zoid?
Zoidberg: This I cannot deny.
Farnsworth: Why, I've been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my hips were made of bone. As it happens, I still have some of my original 78s.
Hermes: You're right, crabby. He's a hell of a lot funnier than you could ever be.
Zoidberg: Maybe so, but perhaps if I wrote him and asked for a few hundred pointers...
Zoidberg: This letter has to be very personal, so I'm writing it in my own ink. Dear Uncle Zoid, greetings from your long-lost nephew. Norm and Sam and Sadie's boy, remember?
Zoidberg: Now I am the most important doctor at the delivery company where I work. But, sadly, my life is bereft of laughter.
Zoid: I beg of you, Mr. Funny Uncle, teach me the comedy business. Sincerely, Zoidberg. Oy, isn't that nice? He took the time.
Woman #2: What's that scribbledy-gook?
Zoid: This is a fan letter from my rich doctor nephew, who just might be my ticket out of this flophouse, he might. Yeah, you'd better run. Dear Rich Doctor Nephew, I can help you be funny. The first funny thing you must do is put all your money in the form of a cashier's check and come to Hollywood.
Zoidberg: Sincerely, Harold Zoid. P.S. Cashier's check. Did you hear that? I'm going to Hollywood!
Tour Guide: Welcome to Hollywood! I must warn you, there's no refund if you get discovered and leave the tour! I'm just kidding, that never happens. Now, to your right, you'll see 30th Century Fox Studios. Fox uses those searchlights to blind pilots, then film the resulting plane crashes.
Bender: Neat!
Tour Guide: Ahead, you'll see the home of Mel Gibson, star of the hit film, Bravehead. And do we have any fans of Calculon, star of the robot soap opera All My Circuits?
Bender: Oh! I am! Me! Bender is!
Tour Guide: Then you'll wanna get a close look at his luxurious Bel-Air home.
Bender: Yes, I will.
Calculon: Are you my new hot water heater?
Bender: No, I'm Bender. We met once, remember?
Calculon: Absolutely not.
Bender: Come on, don't you remember how much I was bugging you, don't you? 'Cause it was a lot, you remember, right?
Calculon: Look, I'm programmed to be very busy. Unless you can heat water to 212 degrees, I'm not interested. Have you got an extra GOTO 10 line? I said I don't need a bender.
Bender: Bender? That was the other guy. My name's Boiler.
Calculon: Nice work, Boiler.
Bender: Thanks. And call me Bender.
Zoidberg: That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to discuss my Hollywood dreams. Next time you see me, don't be surprised if I've eaten.
Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back!
Zoid: Rich nephew, come over here and give your uncle a nice, big meal. So, here we are A still-famous film comedian.
Zoidberg: And a rich, respected doctor with many surviving patients.
Zoid: Eating real food in a restaurant, as we both often do. So, you want to be a comedian, is it?
Zoidberg: It's my lifelong dream.
Zoid: Well that dream dies now. You're unfunny and untalented. That's why you're perfect for drama.
Zoidberg: Hmm. Serious drama. Perhaps it is time to give up comedy.
Zoid: I'm putting together a big drama picture right now, as we speak. The script is dynamite. I know because I wrote it myself. And with me directing and starring, I'll be back on top after 50 miserable years- Uh, of fame.
Zoidberg: Ah, fame. Where do I come in?
Zoid: This fame film has a juicy part for you, if you completely finance it with your doctor money. So, are you in?
Zoidberg: Uh, OK. How much do I have to invest?
Zoid: Oh, not much, not much, A million dollars. Then it's settled. Another blockbuster Hollywood deal.
Waiter: What can I get you gentlemen?
Zoidberg: Is bread free?
Waiter: Yeah.
Zoidberg: We'll split an order.
Bender: What's with Monstro?
Fry: He promised he'd give his Uncle Zoid a million bucks to make a movie.
Zoidberg: I've only been here a day and already I'm a Hollywood phoney.
Bender: Well, perhaps I could call on TV's Calculon to help, now that I'm in showbiz.
Fry: Since when have you been in the biz?
Bender: Long enough, little man. Long enough.
Bender: Calculon, as your hot water heater ... ... I would be remiss if I didn't bring you scripts that could make you an international film star.
Calculon: Of course. Tell me about the project.
Zoidberg: It's a movie.
Calculon: Interesting. Tell me more.
Bender: Get this For a scant $1 million investment, you can be the star.
Calculon: And?
Bender: And, uh, I guarantee it'll win you an Oscar.
Calculon: An Oscar, you say? That would get me out of this festering rat's nest called "television" once and for all. Let me see the script. No. No, I don't like the font. Wait! Harold Zoid? Was this written by the Harold Zoid?
Zoidberg: Written and Xeroxed.
Calculon: Good heavens! A chance to work with the legendary Harold Zoid. He's one of my great idols. And-And you say you can guarantee me the Oscar?
Bender: I can guarantee anything you want.
Calculon: Then I'll do it!
Zoidberg: Hooray!
Bender: Here's your chequebook.
Calculon: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our director, the legendary Harold Zoid!
Zoid: Thank you. A more classic movie plot there isn't A son who does not want to follow in his father's business. And that business is being President of Earth, no less. The son, as it happens, is Vice President.
Bender: That plot makes perfect sense. Wink, wink.
Zoidberg: Bender, you said "wink, wink" out loud.
Bender: No, I didn't. Raise middle finger.
Zoid: Now remember, and I can't stress this enough, this is a talkie, so I want the full gamut of emotions from every actor in every scene.
Zoidberg: The Magnificent Three. Scene one, take one.
Zoid: And, action!
Calculon: Take back your gilded pen, Father. Signing bills into law was always your dream, not mine.
Zoid: Cut! Cut! Cut it! I said this is a talkie, damnit! You've got to emote more! And you extras, wave your arms and make faces. What is this, a morgue?
Zoidberg: The Magnificent Three. Scene 10, take 95.
Zoid: Action. And I mean circus-grade action.
Calculon: Sir, I call upon you not as a President but as a father.
Zoid: Cut, cut, cut it! Would you show a little emotion? People, people, please. Just because it's a dramatic scene, doesn't mean you can't do a little comedy in the background. Throw a pie or two, for God's sake.
Calculon: Nooo!
Zoid: Cut, cut it! Eck! Look, look, it's alright, kid. We'll, uh, we'll get it in editing. Alright, that's a wrap, everybody. I'm gonna see you all at the premiere which, by the way, when is?
Zoidberg: Well, editing is a long and expensive process but we spent all the money on pies, so it'll be ready Friday.
Bender: Nice turnout, Calculon. That Oscar's practically on your mantel.
Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
Calculon: I agreed to be your Vice President but I never agreed to be your son. Thank you, Lieutenant Smith.
Zoidberg: Good morning, Mr. Vice President!
Fry: Leela, we're missing the premiere. My only goal in life was to attend a Hollywood shindig. Just pay the valet the two bucks.
Leela: No! It's the principle of the thing. Besides, I think I see a parking lot up ahead.
Calculon: Father, I've asked you to join me on the White House roof so we could have a heart-to-heart talk. I will never follow in your footsteps. Here is my resignation as Vice President.
Zoid: No! My son will not shame me like this. I would sooner die, I would!
Calculon: Father! The ledge!
Zoid: Oy!
Calculon: Oh!
Zoidberg: The President is dead. Congratulations, Mr. President!
Calculon: Nooo!
Bender: Woo-hoo! Yeah! He's a visionary!
Calculon: Everyone walked out. They hated it. I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this. You said that Oscar was practically on my mantel.
Bender: Now you know why I use the qualifier, "practically".
Calculon: You listen to me. I'm out a million bucks here! You get me that Oscar or you're dead! You and these snivelling lobsters! Dead. You hear me? Dead!
Zoid: Oy, now he emotes!
Zoidberg: Let's just hope Calculon breaks our legs; they'll grow back.
Zoid: He's gonna kill us, you klutzel! Who told that under-acting stiff he was going to get an Oscar?
Bender: Me. It seemed like the least honest way to get him to pay for the movie.
Zoid: He paid? I though you paid, with your big-shot doctor money.
Zoidberg: I lied.
Zoid: OK, enough with the blubbering, already. The way I directed the hell out of him, he may still very well get the nomination.
Bender: Wink.
Calculon: 400 categories and not a single nomination for me.
Zoidberg: But you won this Golden Globe!
Calculon: Piffle! That's the Emmy of movie awards! I told you I want an Oscar.
Bender: Then maybe you should act better.
Calculon: The Oscar isn't about acting. It's about earning the respect and admiration of the creative community.
Zoid: How 'bout we rig the awards?
Calculon: That's fine too.
Leela: It's no use. The tar is too thick. Plus, I think I flooded it.
Fry: Well, we missed the premiere and we're gonna die. We might as well enjoy the sights. Oh, my God! Sylvester Stallone!
Zoidberg: This is where you live? I though you were a big-shot Hollywood movie star.
Zoid: No, I'm not. I'm an even bigger liar than you. My career went down the tubes the day they invented smell-a-vision.
Bender: Calculon's gonna kill us for sure. It's all everybody else's fault.
Zoid: Oy. All I wanted was for people to think of me one last time before I die.
Zoidberg: What are you talking about, Uncle? Everybody remembers Harold Zoid!
Zoid: As a pathetic has-been, they remember me. As a forgotten relic, they remember me. Bah! It's better to die now.
Zoidberg: No. This is one death Dr. Zoidberg won't be responsible for. Zoidberg away!
Rivers: Hi, I'm Joan Rivers' head. I tell you, I've had so many face-lifts, they finally lifted it right off my body! It's true, it's true! Oh, oh, oh! Here comes Jack Nicholson's DNA reconstituted in a gorilla body.
Bender: Catering.
Rivers: Oh, and here's washed-up actor, whatshisname, Harold Zoid. Are you presenting one of those tacky honorary awards, or just getting one?
Zoid: I'm a seat-filler, Joan's head. My only marketable skill is to occupy space.
Calculon: You know, the second I don't win that award, you're cat food. Right, Boxy?
Announcer: And now, the host of the 1074th Academy Awards, Billy Crystal.
Crystal: Now I know how a Pez dispenser feels. Oh, you like that one, Jack? Alright, we're already one hour behind. Our first award tonight Best Cinematography in a Non-Visible Spectrum.
Fry: It's been two weeks. You wanna play tic-tac-toe again before we eat our shoes?
Leela: Oh, I always knew I'd die at the bottom of a pit. But a pit full of tar?
Fry: What was that? A tar dolphin or a tar shark?
Leela: It's some kind of hollow tube, devoid of human life. The Los Angeles subway! We can blast our way in and escape!
Fry: Alright, but I still feel like having a shoe.
Zoidberg: What category are they on?
Bender: They're giving out the minor technical awards. I think they're up to writing.
Zoidberg: That just leaves Best Soft-Drink Product Placement and then Best Actor. We don't have much time.
Crystal: And the nominees for Best Soft-Drink Product Placement are
Slurm Machine: Star Trek The Pepsi Generation, They Call Me Mr. Pibb and Snow White and the 7 Ups.
Bender: And now to present the award for Best Actor ... ... a bit player in the flop movie The Magnificent Three ... ... Dr. Zoidberg.
Calculon: OK, Boxy, keep your prong on the trigger.
Zoidberg: And the nominees for Best Actor are Sir Lawrence- ... in The Merchant of Venus, Hive Mind Gamma 7X in Bikini Party Summer, the Soda Machine Robot in Bikini Party Summer, Mark Jones in How Beige Was My Jacket and, instead of the fifth guy, Calculon, for his powerhouse performance in The Magnificent Three.
Man #1: Uh-oh, he read the wrong name.
Man #2: Shh, just play along, like they did for Marisa Tomei.
Zoid: Hooray, I won't be murdered. I'll live another day. Another day of ... pathetic, forgotten misery.
Zoidberg: And the winner is... And the winner, instead of any of the nominees, is the legendary Harold Zoid!
Zoid: Thank you. Thank you so much! You know, through all my ups and downs, I always thought the most important thing in life was to win an Oscar. But tonight I realise what's really important is to win two Oscars. Ha! Ha! I'm kidding, I'm kidding. What really matters in life is that people care about you, whether it's a whole crowd ... ... or just one die-hard fan.
Zoid: Thank you, nephew. Now I can die happy. 10 seconds from now, when Calculon kills us.
Calculon: Harold Zoid!
Bender: Hit the deck!
Calculon: Where's that Oscar?
Zoid: Here, enjoy. What are you getting upset? It's slightly less fraudulent for you to have it.
Calculon: Yes. Yes, it's a real beauty. Someday I hope to win one of my own.
Bender: Then you're not going to kill us, Your Majesty?
Calculon: Nay. I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar.
Zoidberg: Earthquake!
Bender: Hit the deck!
Zoid: Let the earth quake, I've got somebody's Oscar!
Fry: We made it! I'm at a Hollywood party!
Doorman: I'm sorry, sir, this is a private- Oh, pardon me, I see you're with Mr. Stallone.


Morbo: So I gave the cookies you made to Fawn and the kids and they couldn't believe it - they were delicious. But, I digress. Tremble, puny earthlings! One day my race will destroy you all!
Leela: Could one of you guys get that?
Leela: It's a doorbell baby! Hello, little guy. You know, I was abandoned as a baby too, so-
Bender: Garbage, huh? I'll take care of it.
Leela: Bender, stop! It's a baby!
Bender: A baby what? Ow!
Leela: Oh, it's just a card. From the orphanarium I grew up in.
Card: Leela, you're invited to a reunion at Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium. Please stand clear of self-destructing basket.
Bender: A reunion at your old orphanarium, eh? You gonna go?
Leela: No way, Jose-bot. I never wanna see those other orphans again! Not after the way they used to pick on me.
Kids: One-eye! One-eye! One-eye!
Kirk: Nice depth-perception, one-eye!
Leela: How can you make fun of me, Kirk? You're blind!
Kirk: My eyes may not work, but at least I got two of them!
Fry: Aww. That's terrible, Leela. But imagine the look on their faces when you show up with two friends who eat all the hors d'Oeuvres.
Leela: Well, I wouldn't mind rubbing my success in a few choice faces.
Bender: Set a course for adventure!
Fry: Ew!
Bender: What a dump!
Leela: Just like old times. Gosh! The bars on the windows seemed so much thicker back then. Mr. Vogel? Remember me?
Vogel: Leela! You're worthless and no one will ever love you!
Leela: You used to say that all the time!
Vogel: Oh, those were happier days.
Fry: Mmm! The gristle-in-a-blanket isn't half bad.
Bender: And try one of these Popsicle sticks. They've absorbed quite a bit of flavour.
Leela: Hey, look. It's our old group picture.
Fry: I don't see you anywhere.
Leela: That's me over in Cootietown.
Bender: Whoa! Get a load of this average-looking guy!
Leela: That's Adlai Atkins. I used to have kind of a crush on him.
Kids: One-eye! One-eye!
French Guy: Stupid as a French guy!
Kids: One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye!
Leela: Well, it's time to say hello to the old gang.
Man #1: So, whatcha been up to since you left the orphanarium?
Man #2: Uh, living in a box, fighting the shakes. You?
Man #1: Selling kidneys, teeth, whatever falls out of me.
Leela: And what am I up to, you ask? Why, I'm a very successful space captain.
Man #2: Oh.
Man #1: Wow.
Man #3: How nice for you, Leela.
Woman: That's so good for a person with one eye.
Leela: Hey! You can't feel sorry for me! I'm a space captain and you're a bunch of losers.
Man #1: Uh, right, right. We're the losers!
Kirk: Well, if it isn't old one-eye!
Leela: Oh, yeah? Well, shut up, cane boy!
Man #3: He can't hear you. He's deaf now.
Adlai: Leave Leela alone. She's leading a perfectly normal life. She's not gussied up, duded out, getting down or where it's at. Now run along.
Leela: Thanks, Adlai. I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball- Oddball!
Adlai: Nonsense. You're a space captain. That's a fine, conventional profession.
Leela: Well, you know, it's just for a package delivery service.
Adlai: Ah-ah. A package is just a box until it's delivered.
Leela: Huh. I'd never thought of it that way. So what do you do these days?
Adlai: Oh, I'm a doctor.
Leela: A tall doctor, you say?
Vogel: Sir, you seem pretty stable. Have you thought about adopting one of our kids?
Fry: Sure haven't.
Vogel: Well keep adoption in mind. It's a great way to have a kid without having sex.
Fry: Really?
Vogel: Plus, the government will help out with a small stipend of $100 a week.
Bender: $100 a week?
Adlai: I'm so sorry I teased you back then. Let me make it up to you. I can fix it so no one ever makes fun of you again.
Leela: You mean by beating them up? Because I've broken that blind kid's nose like 10 times and it doesn't make any difference.
Adlai: No, I specialise in phaser eye surgery. I can build you a paraffin eye and graft it on with skin from your foot. It won't be able to see but you'll look like a perfectly normal two-eyed person.
Leela: Me? Perfectly normal?
Bender: Sons, daughters, meet Uncle Fry.
Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
Bender: No. It's called "parenting". Come on, dumplings. We've got 12 government stipends to collect.
Boy: Our daddy's a giant toy!
Farnsworth: Phaser eye surgery is a capital idea. I'm sure Leela's tired of morons gaping at her eye all the time.
Amy: I think cosmetic surgery's great, Leela. I used to be too cute, so I had cuteness-reduction surgery here ... ... and here.
Fry: You guys are crazy. Leela doesn't need surgery. You look great the way you are.
Leela: Oh, that's so sweet, Fry. But for once in my life, I just wanna look normal.
Fry: But you're better than normal, you're abnormal. If you ask me, you shouldn't care what other people think.
Leela: You're right! I'll start by not caring what you think! I'm getting the surgery.
Farnsworth: That a girl!
Amy: Right on!
Zoidberg: Wonderful. And while you're under the knife, you could also get an ink pouch to help you escape your enemies.
Farnsworth: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard, you imbecile!
Adlai: Now we'll find out if the operation was a success. Hold on to your hats. Oh, I'm sorry, this is the wrong patient. Oops.
Amy: Leela, those eyes look so great on you.
Fry: Bah! I think she looked fine before.
Farnsworth: No.
Zoidberg: No.
Amy: Uh-uh.
Hermes: Wrong.
Leela: Wow, look at me. Although I don't have the hang of blinking yet.
Adlai: You'll get it. Personally, I try not to blink too much because it seems flashy. But when I do, I enjoy it.
Leela: I did it! I blunk!
Hermes: And just in time to screw up this picture I took!
Leela: Hooray!
Walt: Ow!
Igner: Ow!
Larry: Ow!
Leela: I've never felt so unremarkable! Today I actually blended in with a crowd!
Bender: Kids, meet the jerkbags I work with.
Kids: Hello, jerkbags!
Amy: Oh, they're so cute! What are their names?
Bender: Kids have names?
Nina: My name's Nina, and his name's Albert-
Bender: And from now on, you're all named Bender Jr.! Lookie here! My first government stipend cheque! 12 baby humans, 1200 wing-wangs!
Sally: Daddy Bender, we're hungry.
Bender: What is it with you kids? Every other day it's food, food, food! Oh, fine. I'll get you some stupid food.
Albert: Can we have Bender burgers again?
Bender: No. The cat shelter's on to me!
Adlai: Hello, Leela. I was in a nearby tailor getting one of my Hawai'ian shirts toned down, so I thought I'd drop in for your follow-up exam.
Leela: Oh. That's so handsome of you.
Adlai: Just follow the light with your eyes. Perfect! You know, a guy could fall head-over-heels for a gal like you. As for me, I'm somewhat interested myself.
Leela: What are you saying?
Adlai: I've never been good with words, which is why I'm in such a delicate conundrum. Will you go out with me this Sunday?
Leela: Sure!
Adlai: I don't know what else to say, so I'll just say it. Okey-dokey, see you then.
Fry: This is so unfair! I liked you back when you were a cyclops! That guy's only interested now that you have two eyes.
Leela: You're just jealous!
Fry: No, I'm not! Oh, wait, I am. But my point remains valid!
Leela: Fry, I just wanna try dating a normal man, who if you go somewhere with him no one says he's crummy. I think I deserve that once in life.
Zoidberg: Be careful with that Adlai, Leela, he's a doctor, they're very poor.
Leela: Actually, most doctors are rich.
Zoidberg: What? When did this happen? You're joking, right? That's not funny!
Bender: OK, they've got everything you need here Booze, a couple of peanuts, they got a crapper in the back. That's one of the things you kids do, right?
Albert: Yeah.
Bender: Then knock yourself out. Hey! Hey! Only eat and drink enough to barely keep yourselves alive! I'm trying to make a profit here.
Nina: Daddy! Bethany's hitting me!
Bender: Here.
Fembot: These kids yours?
Bender: Yeah.
Fembot: Ooh. I'm attracted to a man with responsibility!
Bender: That's me, baby! Let me just ditch the kids in an alley and we can go have some fun.
Boy: Daddy Bender?
Bender: Son, daddy's trying to score with a cheap floozy right now, so we need you to cram a Tinkertoy in it!
Boy: I love you, Daddy Bender!
Bender: Hey, what the hell are you doing? Quit hugging me!
Fembot: I guess you're busy. I'll catch you later.
Bender: You morons! I don't know what you're trying to pull but I got half a mind to hug each and every one of you and see how you like it! Oh, come on!
Adlai: I thought I'd take you someplace ordinary, a place no one could object to.
Leela: That sounds wonderful.
Man #4: I'd like an extra-beautiful bouquet for my extra-gorgeous sweetheart.
Adlai: Average, please.
Leela: Oh, Adlai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared at me or avoided staring at me or tried to burn me. You make me feel so not weird.
Adlai: Leela, you're 999,999 in a million!
Leela: Thanks for coming out to get to know my boyfriend. Isn't he dreamy?
Zoidberg: Totally.
Adlai: Uh, listen. I just want you all to know your Leela's one standard lady.
Leela: Oh, Adlai, stop!
Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal and that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
Zoidberg: Damn right!
Fry: And the Professor's a senile, amoral crackpot. Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
Hermes: Tally me banana.
Fry: Amy's a klutz from Mars.
Amy: Sploops!
Farnsworth: And, Fry, you've got that brain thing.
Fry: I already did! So, Leela, do you wanna be like us? Or do you wanna be like Adlai with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever?
Leela: That's the dumbest question I ever heard!
Farnsworth: She's right!
Zoidberg: No doubt about it.
Amy: Duh!
Hermes: Daylight come!
Bender: Coming through, watch your heads!
Zoidberg: Help! I'm under attack!
Bender: Remember your manners, kids. Forks go in the left pocket, spoons in the right.
Elzar: Which one of you cutie muffins gets the children's spicy squab?
Sam: Me!
Bender: Ah-ah-ah! What do we say when someone gives you something?
Sam: 'Bout time!
Bender: That's my boy!
Elzar: And here's your check. Bam!
Albert: I gotta go poopy!
Bender: Well you should've gone poopy before it was time to run out on the check! C'mon! Go, go! Through the kitchen!
Elzar: You little crooks! If I catch you I'm going to make cutie-muffin gumbo!
Adlai: You know, seeing that strange robot force 12 children to do his bidding makes me think about kids of our own.
Leela: Us? Me? You? Kids?
Adlai: That's correct. It's time to stop living this vida bachelor loca, settle down and have kids.
Leela: Oh, Adlai, this is the most beautiful moment of my life!
Albert: Daddy Bender, I want a piggy back ride.
Bender: Daddy's tired. Let's just have another dog-pile on Fry.
Sally: Tell us a story, Daddy Bender.
Kids: Story! Story! Story!
Bender: Alright, fine, gather round.
Nina: We wanna hear this one again!
Bender: "Bender's Arrest Record" by the police. On March 3rd at 2pm, Bender was caught shoplifting.
Albert: Yeah, show us the picture! There he is!
Bender: OK, kids. It's 9.00, you know what that means. Daddy's sick of looking at you so go to bed. The grown-ups have to talk. Come on, Ma.
Bender: Now to figure out how much money I'm raking in off those twerps! Oh! I need a calculator.
Fry: You are a calculator.
Bender: I mean a good calculator. Minus the food, the bunny rabbit wallpaper- I'm getting 100 bucks a kid and they're costing me 110!
Fry: There goes my new kitchen cabinets.
Bender: I'm not sitting through one more PTA meeting. The kids have got to go!
Sam: Daddy, how do I flush you?
Bender: Just go to bed!
Adlai: You know, doing this jigsaw puzzle of a pacifier factory makes me want to have children with you all the more.
Leela: Adlai, I was thinking, since we're both orphans, maybe we should adopt a child.
Adlai: Adoption? Yes, that's acceptable. Heck, it's more than acceptable, it's adequately satisfactory!
Bender: Hello? Imperial Dragon Restaurant? I've got a herd of you-know-whats for sale. Let me check. Oh, aren't you a cutie? About 35lbs. What?
Leela: Hi, Bender. We'd like to adopt a child.
Bender: Well, you've come to the right place because Honest Bender's Orphanarium means discount orphans. Now, little lady. What do I have to do to send you home with 12 orphans today?
Adlai: Uh, I'm afraid we only want one.
Bender: Whatever you say, chief. I'll show you what I got in stock.
Leela: I remember this from when we were kids The warden would trot you out in front of prospective parents and they'd judge you like a piece of meat.
Albert: I'm Albert.
Leela: Kind of fatty.
Bender: Then how about this little number? Pure-bred human. No vampire in there.
Leela: Uh, um.
Adlai: Hmm.
Bender: If you're strapped for cash, you might wanna consider this irregular unit. Cursed with a third ear but so full of that emotion I understand is called "love".
Sally: One time, I did a hundred jump ropes.
Leela: Oh, I can't decide. We're gonna have to think about it.
Bender: OK, kids, grown-ups gotta talk now, time for bed.
Albert: But it's 10 in the morning!
Bender: I said hit the hay!
Leela: Oh, they're all so adorable.
Bender: Yeah. You know, it's times like this I can hardly bear to let them go. Goodnight, you princes of Maine, you kings of New New England.
Smitty: You're under arrest for child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving children of food, selling children as food and misrepresenting the weight of livestock.
Bender: If you had kids of your own, you'd understand!
Leela: Officer, would it be alright if we adopted one of the kids?
Smitty: Might as well. They're just gonna rot in the evidence locker.
Orphan #1: Nice ear!
Orphan #2: Hey, freaky ears!
Orphan #3: How's you hearing?
Leela: I've made up my mind. Let's adopt her.
Adlai: Her? But there's plenty of normal ones.
Leela: Come on, Adlai. She could really use a mom and dad.
Kids: Ear-face! Ear-face! Sally won the ugly race!
Adlai: On the other hand, the children bring up a good point. She does have an ear on her face.
Leela: Well? So what? She may be different but she still deserves a good home.
Adlai: Oh, alright. If you really want that one, I can give her an operation to make her acceptable.
Leela: She doesn't need an operation! She's fine the way she is!
Adlai: Oh, and I suppose you were fine the way you were?
Leela: Damn right I was!
Fry: Yay!
Leela: Shut up, Fry. Now look, Adlai. I'm proud to be different. And I just wished I'd realised that when I was her age.
Sally: I also have a tail!
Leela: Now take me to the hospital and put my eye back the way it was. Right now!
Adlai: Why should I do that?
Leela: Listen, buddy. By the end of the day, one of us is gonna have one eye.
Vogel: In recognition of Bender's generous gift of 12 orphans and a government cheque for 1200 wing-wangs, I hereby rename this building the Bender B. Rodriguez Orphanarium!
Fry: It's good to have the old weird-looking Leela back.
Leela: Aww! You're a true friend, Fry. I guess there's nothing wrong with being a little weird.
Fry: Leela, there's nothing wrong with anything.
Albert: We'll miss you, Daddy Bender.
Nina: We know robots don't have emotions but we drawed you this picture.
Sally: So if you ever miss us, even just a teeny bit, you can look at it.
Bender: Hey, I smoke a cigar, not a candy cane. Sheesh! Hey! What the- Get away! Come on! I just got all the gum off of there! Hey! Hey! I hate you! I hate you all!


Mr. Wong: Yes?
Amy: Hi, Dad. It's me and my co-workers.
Mrs. Wong: Open up, Leo. It's Amy and her weirdos.
Mrs. Wong: Howdy, friends! Welcome to Mars!
Leela: Thanks so much for inviting us, Mr. Wong. I've never been to a Mars Day barbecue.
Mr. Wong: Oh, Mars Day much better than Earth Day. Dump trash wherever you want! Big, empty planet!
Mrs. Wong: OK, then. Make yourselves at home.
Zoidberg: Don't mind if I already did. By the way, do you have anymore of this Dom Perignon bubble bath? There was only enough to fill the tub halfway.
Farnsworth: This is quite a large ranch you have.
Mr. Wong: 17.9 billion acres. We own entire western hemisphere. That the best hemisphere!
Farnsworth: It's the same on Earth.
Mr. Wong: Here is most number one product of all The mighty buggalo. They used for everything; meat, milk and their shells make good row boat.
Zoidberg: I broke your television.
Hermes: Mon, it must take forever to brand all those cattle.
Mr. Wong: Not really. We own so much stuff it easier just to brand everything that not ours.
Hermes: Please don't do that.
Amy: Betsy! This is my sweet, little Betsy. I raised her from a larva that ate one of my sweaters.
Mr. Wong: Yes, everybody love Betsy. We going to eat her at Amy's wedding. If she ever get married!
Amy: Dad! Gleesh! Please don't say things like that when you meet my boyfriend tonight.
Mr. Wong: Oh, that right. We finally get to spend some time with this Mr. Kif.
Mrs. Wong: I just hope he's a nice man who can make us lot of grandchildren. This not some parallel universe where you getting any younger.
Zapp: Now remember, Kif, the quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in.
Kif: Actually, sir, I'm-I'm a little nervous about meeting her family.
Zapp: Well that's natural. After all you're meek and uninteresting. Until now you've gotten by on my left-over charisma, scrounging off it like a tiny charisma parasite.
Kif: I just hope they like me.
Zapp: And why wouldn't they? Yes, yes, I know. Tiny, meek, uninteresting. Spare me your tedious life story, Kif. And above all have fun!
Bender: Yeah, yeah, get on down! Oh, yeah! Drop another barnyard bomb on us, Vanilla Corn!
Dj: Yo, fool, it's Mixmaster Festus!
Fry: So what's Mars Day about, anyway?
Mrs. Wong: It commemorate the day centuries ago when our ancestor, Sir Reginald Wong, bought Mars from stupid natives.
Leela: How can you call the Native Martians "stupid"?
Mr. Wong: They sell whole planet for one bead. Sound stupid to me!
Farnsworth: That is stupid!
Leela: I can't believe you're laughing at the tragic exploitation of a proud, bead-loving people.
Fry: Lighten up, Leela. It's funny!
Leela: Of course it is. But you don't have to laugh!
Kif: Amy, no! Not on your parents' planet!
Rj: Howdy, Amy. Glad to see you've come back to the country. It's where the flavour is.
Amy: RJ, this is my boyfriend, Kif.
Rj: This wimp? You've gone a long way, baby. Cigarette, partner?
Kif: Oh, I don't-
Rj: I haven't even lit it yet!
Kif: Oh. Is it lit now?
Rj: Yep. You're pathetic!
Zoidberg: Host-man! Host-woman! I'm having a wonderful time!
Mr. Wong: You here five hours and already you tear up couch, draw moustache on priceless painting and fill pool with brine shrimp.
Zoidberg: Not bad for a city boy, huh? By the way, I took the liberty of fertilising your caviar.
Amy: Just relax. I'm sure my parents will love you.
Kif: You don't understand. When I get nervous, I can't control my camouflage reflex. Oh, dear! Oh, goodness! Oh, odds and bodkins!
Fry: I'll have a thorax and some feelers.
Mr. Wong: You want some salad with that?
Fry: Yuck!
Amy: Mom? Dad? You remember Kif?
Mr. Wong: This your boyfriend? I have instant dislike of him!
Mrs. Wong: He too scrawny to father grandchildren.
Amy: He's not scrawny, he's just small-boned.
Kif: Actually, I don't have bones. I'm supported by a system of fluid-filled bladders that-
Mr. Wong: Yes, yes! You a big squishy wuss! Amy should be dating real man. Like him!
Kif: I can be manly too. I think I'll, uh, light up a smoke.
Amy: Wrong way!
Kif: Smooth!
Amy: Look on the bright side My parents left after you passed out so they didn't even see you barf.
Kif: Oh, now they'll never think I'm manly enough to date their daughter.
Amy: It's OK, Kif. I'll go get you a tissue from your tote.
Rj: Hey there, Amy. Like you to meet my buddy, Joe.
Joe: Sorry I'm late. My pool game ran long at the jazz club!
Rj: Kids love him!
Fry: What's that weird sound?
Mr. Wong: Dust storm! Oh, dust storm! Everybody into house. Hurry, before we die. And wipe your damn feet!
Mrs. Wong: Phew! Everyone OK? No one considering lawsuit?
Farnsworth: Hmm. I might have mental anguish.
Mr. Wong: I'll have you know I'm friends with every judge on planet.
Farnsworth: I'm OK then.
Mrs. Wong: Storm dying down. Leo, check if buggalo herd is OK.
Mr. Wong: Oh!
Leela: What happened to the buggalo?
Mr. Wong: They been rustled under cover of storm. We ruined!
Zoidberg: Nooo!
Amy: Don't worry, Daddy. It'll be OK.
Mr. Wong: Oh, really? Who gonna save us? One-eye? Lobster mooch? Drunken garbage can?
Hermes: This sounds like a job for-
Kif: Lieutenant Kif Kroker!
Hermes: Alright then.
Mr. Wong: Aye-ah! Those buggalo are what made Wong family so rich and powerful. Oh, Inez, with them stolen, we ruined!
Mrs. Wong: OK. I want a divorce.
Zoidberg: Mom! Dad! Don't ask me to choose!
Amy: They're not your parents, I'm not your sister and that's not your golf cart.
Zoidberg: Aw!
Amy: Everybody just calm down. Kif promised he'd catch the rustlers.
Kif: Mrs. Wong, do you have a neckerchief I could borrow?
Kif: My plan is to take all the remaining buggalo and lead them on a rough, tough cattle drive. Then, when the rustlers attack, I'll make a citizen's arrest!
Farnsworth: It sounds dangerous. Someone could get killed. Fry, Leela, Bender, I want you to go with him.
Fry: Aw, man!
Kif: Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Wong. I'll get your cattle back or die trying.
Mr. Wong: Hey, we can't lose!
Amy: No, Kif! It's too risky. You don't have to do this to prove your manliness.
Mrs. Wong: Oh, yes he does!
Rj: Here are your mounts!
Leela: She's got a fine coat.
Kif: Now, we need buggalo to lure the rustlers. How many are left?
Amy: You're lookin' at her. Betsy's the only one left. She was curled up in my hamper when the storm hit. Aw, she likes you!
Kif: Saddle up, men. We got some no good rustlers to ... catch!
Bender: We've got a right to pick a little fight with rustlers, Somebody wants to pick a fight with us, He'd better bite my ass!
Fry: Yee-haw!
Leela: Wow, look at that Olympus Mons, the tallest volcano in the solar system.
Fry: Where?
Leela: Right in front of you.
Fry: Oh. Oh!
Kif: We'll camp near the top. The rustlers will be sure to spot us there.
Fry: Where?
Bender: And even though the computer was off and unplugged, an image stayed on the screen. It was ... the Windows logo!
Fry: Pft, that's not scary!
Bender: It is if you're a laser printer.
Leela: OK, my turn to tell a ghost story. Once, there was this woman driving-
Fry: Hook on the hand!
Kif: OK, I've got one. This family-
Fry: Man in the attic!
Leela: Fine, Mr. Know-It-All-About-Something-Finally, you tell a story!
Fry: With pleasure. Once, not far from here, four people set out on a cattle drive-
Bender: Robot gets bored and kills Fry with a hammer! Sorry, go on.
Fry: And then, while they sat helplessly around the campfire ... a demented knife-wielding escaped lunatic libertarian zombie mutant snuck up and-
Amy: Surprise!
Kif: Amy? What are you doing here?
Amy: I forgot to give you something before you left.
Kif: What?
Amy: Is that your camouflage reflex or are you just happy to see me?
Kif: I love it out here, Amy. I feel so manly. I have a blister, I-I spit! A-And of course, I tell no one my feelings.
Amy: But you still have them, right?
Kif: Oh, yes. But I keep them inside until I can write them in my diary.
Amy: Ah, it's a wonderful night.
Kif: It sure is. I could just lie here beside you staring at the sky all night.
Amy: I can't! What's that?
Kif: Maybe we just made love.
Amy: The buggalo! They're in the crater.
Kif: The rustlers must have seen me coming and run off, scared.
Amy: Oh, Kif! You're so brave!
Kif: Sh! They'll hear us!
Kif: OK, the dynamite's in place.
Amy: Are you sure there's no other way to get the buggalo out?
Leela: Not unless your parents have thousands of helicopters at their disposal.
Amy: Well, actually-
Bender: Too late! This is more fun!
Amy: Kif! You did it! But how did you know the dynamite would work?
Kif: I once took a seminar in ejecting chickens from a sand dune. The principle is essentially the same.
Fry: Hey, it's that "barbecue's over" sound again.
Leela: Sandstorm! We're in the eye of the storm!
Fry: Where?
Bender: What's that?
Fry: My God!
Leela: Who are they?
Singing Wind: Fehk! We are the Native Martians.
Fry: Also, I didn't know buggalo could fly.
Singing Wind: Only those who revere Mother Mars can fly buggalo. And only they shall have buggalo. And they're us.
Kif: But your, um, Martian-ness, these buggalo aren't yours. They belong to the Wong family.
Singing Wind: You mean family that took all Martian land and gave us one lousy bead?
Amy: Uh-huh! Amy Wong. And you are?
Singing Wind: Mad at Wong family! We plan to ruin them by stealing buggalo. But now we take girl instead.
Amy: Wait! I'm too rich to be kidnapped!
Kif: Amy! Nooo!
Bender: Don't worry, Kif. I'm sure some other beautiful, rich girl will fall in love with you.
Mr. Wong: Hooray! You bring back cattle.
Kif: Yes ... but ... I'm afraid I've got some bad news as well.
Mrs. Wong: Let Amy tell us. That way it soften the blow. Why Amy being so quiet?
Kif: Um ... well, um ... that is, um...
Mr. Wong: Oh, no! Martians kidnap Amy! I know it them 'cause they no use good grammar.
Kif: I'll get your daughter back, sir. I swear.
Mr. Wong: Forget it, squishy. You the one lose her in first place. You done enough.
Mrs. Wong: Yeah. This time we get most decorated law man in the whole universe!
Kif: You mean- Oh, no, please. I beg you! Oh, for the love of-
Zapp: I am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan, at your service!
Mrs. Wong: Please, Mr. Brannigan, we need you go get our daughter back.
Zapp: Very well. I'll clean up Kif's mess. I shall go bargain with the Martian's personally. Your gasps intrigue me. Explain.
Mr. Wong: Martians have no land. They been gently encouraged to live on reservation deep underground. No one ever dare go there.
Farnsworth: This mission is incredibly dangerous. Someone's sure to be killed. Fry, Leela, Bender-
Bender: Damn you, old man!
Leela: Aw, look. Betsy followed you, Kif!
Zapp: I didn't realise you were bringing your girlfriend, lieutenant!
Kif: She won't leave me alone.
Zapp: Did I say "girlfriend"? She sounds more like a wife!
Zapp: Behold The Great Stone Face of Mars.
Fry: Hm.
Zapp: The only known entrance to the Martian reservation.
Leela: What about the Great Stone Ass of Mars?
Zapp: Well, yeah, but it's way over the other side of the planet.
Zapp: Nose-ward, ho!
Singing Wind: Fehk! I am Singing Wind, chief of the Martian tribe.
Zapp: Take me to your leader.
Singing Wind: Moving along. Why you trespass on our land?
Zapp: We come to negotiate the release of Amy Wong. And just to clarify Land is the stuff that has sky over it.
Leela: They have such respect for the planet.
Martian #1: Cynthia used to drink Slurm.
Singing Wind: We will give back girl when we get back planet surface.
Zapp: How do we even know she's alive?
Amy: I'm fine.
Zapp: Sh! You're weakening our bargaining position. How about instead you give us the girl and we carve a bunch of our presidents into your sacred mountain?
Singing Wind: You waste words. We want return of land that was taken from us.
Bender: Uh, actually you traded it for a bead.
Singing Wind: Tribe suffer heap big buyer's remorse. We want land back!
Zapp: Chief, my people are a people of law. And that law is ... ... no backsies!
Singing Wind: The time for stupid statements is over!
Zapp: Oh, boy!
Leela: Ow, ow, ow, ow! My eye!
Zoidberg: Ma! Pa! Our precious ranch!
Kif: Amy, no! It's too windy! Stay calm, dearest! I'll save you!
Amy: Kif! You're flying Betsy!
Kif: Need a lift?
Singing Wind: Great Mother Mars! He has the gift!
Leela: Yay, Kif!
Zapp: Kroker, that was one Brannigan-esque feat of heroism!
Singing Wind: We have misjudged you, green one. You fly the buggalo like us. You have true reverence for Mother Mars. Let there be peace between us.
Martian #2: Yes. Let us smoke-em peace pipe.
Kif: Smoke-em?
Singing Wind: Here, take.
Kif: Ooh, no thanks. I'm on the peace patch.
Singing Wind: You must smoke peace pipe, and you must do it peacefully. Or we'll kill you.
Kif: Well, it's just really that I don't feel that-
Zapp: Don't be such a chicken, Kif. Teenagers all smoke and they seem pretty on-the-ball.
Fry: Yeah!
Zapp: Yes, sir!
Bender: Way to suck it!
Kif: Hey, I'm smoking! I'm the greatest! Oh, monkey trumpets!
Singing Wind: You have coughed at our offer of peace. So you must die!
Martian #3: The very bead used to crush our dreams shall be used to crush your bones.
Kif: Well, actually, I don't have bones. I'm supported by a system of fluid-filled bladders that-
Fry: Wait. That's the bead you traded your land for?
Leela: It's a gigantic diamond! That thing must be worth a fortune.
Singing Wind: Really?
Bender: Oh, Chief, you've made me the happiest girl in the world!
Amy: Y'know, if you still want your land, we could just trade back for it.
Singing Wind: Hmm. We always thought bead was worthless. We assumed our ancestors were cheated because they not have concept of ownership.
Bender: So we can have the diamond?
Singing Wind: No. We do have concept of ownership. You are free to go. Sorry about all the rustling and kidnapping.
Leela: But what about your sacred land?
Singing Wind: Land shmand! We don't wanna live on this planet. It's a dump. We'll buy new planet and act like it's sacred. With cash like this, who's going to argue? Nobody, that's who!
Amy: Then Kif flew Betsy, rescued me from the tornado and made peace with the Martians.
Mr. Wong: Please! He too much of a wimp.
Mrs. Wong: Yeah. I'm sure it was all Mr. Zapp Brannigan here.
Zapp: Please, you give me too little credit.
Zoidberg: Captain Brannigan, you're always welcome here at Rancho Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Money doesn't make good people, no, siree!
Amy: Thanks for saving my life, Kif. You're my hero.
Kif: Oh, you're kind. But your parents still don't like me.
Amy: Well globviously! But if they liked you then I wouldn't. Don't you know anything about girls?
Kif: Dear diary, I just made love for the second time!