Linda: Up next, daring daylight robbery at a municipal swimming pool.
Bender: Ooh! This is it! Turn me up!
Linda: Earlier today, a foul-mouthed bandit robbed the municipal pool, making off with the contents of over three lockers.
Bender: More like three lockers and a sink!
Leela: Bender? Did you have something to do with this?
Bender: Of course not.
Hermes: Holy spitz! He's sportin' skintight Speedos!
Amy: They don't leave much to the imagination.
Hermes: Actually, on a robot, they sorta do.
Morbo: One puny human got a look at the robber...
Bender: Here we go. Here we go!
Morbo: Describing him as a short, nasty, muscular...
Bender: Yeah, make me famous, big head!
Morbo: Caucasian human male.
Bender: What?
Fry: Hey! Now what am I supposed to watch and drink all day?
Bender: This is an outrage. What's the point of pulling the biggest pool caper ever if nobody knows you did it?
Fry: Well, there's the material rewards.
Bender: You mean this junk?
Boy: Whee!
Bender: All I ever wanted was for people to remember my name. It's Bender.
Farnsworth: Oh, fuff! Why bother remembering anything? You're just going to forget it five seconds later.
Bender: It's so unfair. A debonair robot with a zesty in-your-face outlook doomed to obscurity like the rest of you, especially Leela. If I died tomorrow, no one would even notice.
Scruffy: Boy, I've never seen him so down, or ever before.
Bender: How does a nobody like me get famous? I know! Hey, look! I'm stuck! But I haven't given up hope! Call a soft-news journalist!
Woman: You're not stuck.
Bender: Shut up.
Bender: Hey, everyone do The Bender! This move's called The Bender!
Roller-Skater: Yo, hotwheels. This circle's about free expression, not fascist moves!
Bender: A blank wall! Fame is mine!
Bender: There. Now no one will forget how I lived or my attitude regarding butt.
Sal: Alrights, ladies, let's flush these artists lofts straights to hell!
Bender: No!
Bender: I'm the first one to work. A new low.
All: Surprise!
Fry: Happy funeral, Bender!
Bender: A surprise funeral? For me?
Fry: We just wanted to show you that you really will be remembered.
Zoidberg: Now if the deceased would kindly take his place of honour.
Bender: Ooh! Cushion-y! And a minibar!
Fry: Dearly beloved, we are here today to remember Bender, taken from us in the prime of life when he was crushed by a runaway semi driven by the Incredible Hulk.
Bender: Aw! You knew my favourite cause of death.
Fry: Now let us each remember the best things about Bender in our own way. Professor?
Farnsworth: Your standard bending unit is made of an iron-osmium alloy. But Bender was different. Bender had a point-04% nickel impurity.
Bender: It's what made me me.
Hermes: If you ever needed a small package brought into the country without a lot of X-raying and such, Bender always had a free body cavity.
Bender: Eh, the Professor's was better.
Leela: Bender, shush. You're supposed to be dead.
Bender: Say more about how great I am. And where's the crying? You people look like you're waiting for the bus.
Zoidberg: Oh, Danny-boy, The pipes, the pipes are calling-
Bender: Who-y-boy?
Zoidberg: From glen to glen and down-
Bender: Danny-boy? You're at my funeral, singing about some dead stiff named Danny-boy? You really are a massive bonehead.
Zoidberg: I'm expressing my sorrow.
Bender: Get lost! I'd say "Don't quit your day job" but you're awful at that too.
Leela: We're trying our best.
Bender: Your best is an idiot. Let's pick it up, people. So far it's been crap after crap! I croaked, now show me some love!
Amy: Bender was a truly special-
Bender: Louder and sadder.
Amy: Bender was a truly special-
Bender: Next!
Preacherbot: Dear Lord-
Bender: Oh, next!
Zoidberg: Oh, Danny-boy-
Bender: Come on! Surely there must be someone here who knows how great I was.
Fry: Yes there is, Bender. Bender was a lot of things to a lot of people. But, looking back, the number one thing I can say about him is this, and simply this Bender was my friend.
Bender: What? That's it? Who are you? You're nobody! This is the worst funeral ever! I hope you're all happy. You've succeeded in convincing me life is worth living, by showing how bad my funeral will suck.
Amy: I know whose funeral we'll be attending next!
Farnsworth: Oh, stop!
Farnsworth: News, everyone! Today you're going to Osiris 4 to deliver this enormous sandstone block.
Fry: I thought something looked different in here.
Fry: Hi. We have a giant stone to deliver. Sign here.
Osiran: Ah, very nice. Much like the 10 million identical stones used in the future tomb of our great Pharaoh Hermenthotip.
Leela: Impressive. Who's building it?
Osiran: You.
Leela: Say again?
Osiran: You are now slaves of the great Pharaoh Hermenthotip. Guards.
Fry: Call it a hunch but I've got a bad feeling about this.
Fry: You know the worst thing about being a slave? They make you work but they don't pay you or let you go.
Leela: That's the only thing about being a slave!
Osiran: Attention. You are now possessions of the great Pharaoh Hermenthotip, heir to the Tenth Dynasty, bringer of the good aspects of the annual floods.
Fry: Incredible. This place is just like the Ancient Egypt of my day.
Osiran: That is no coincidence. For our people visited your Egypt thousands of years ago.
Fry: I knew it! Insane theories, one; regular theories, a billion.
Osiran: We learned many things from the mighty Egyptians, such as pyramid-building, space travel and how to prepare our dead so as to scare Abbott and Costello.
Fry: Also Wolfman!
Bender: Look at these swanky tombs! These people really know how to die.
Leela: Are you crazy? They worked thousands of people to death to make these stupid monuments.
Bender: Hey, you spend your whole life building a guy's toe and you're gonna remember him. I think I'm gonna like it here!
Man #1: Yeah, I, uh, noticed your sign and I thought I'd come over here and look into getting involved in your program.
Man #2: What we do is make you starve to death.
Osiran: One, two, three, pull! One, two, three, pull!
Australian Man: Oh! Bloody chunder!
Bender: Pick it up, people. We're enslaved here to do a job. Master? Do we have to count to three every time? Couldn't we just count to one. Or better yet one-half?
Osiran: Good idea, slave. One-half, pull! One-half, pull!
Bender: Now we're slavin'!
Bender: Come on, guys. Pharaoh's countin' on us. Work faster, like this. You call that motivating me? Don't just whip with your arms. The power comes from your hips. Like this.
Leela: Bender, quit giving the slave drivers pointers!
Fry: Yeah. Remember who your real friends are.
Bender: I'll tell you who I remember. Anopsis ... Pleotut ... Whatshisname. He was the greatest of all.
Osiran: Pharaoh Hermenthotip approaches.
Bender: Hurry! Hurry! Pharaoh's coming! Get that nose in place. Come on!
Hermenthotip: Excellent work! I am very proud of all you slaves.
Bender: Viva Hermenthotip!
Hermenthotip: And now, I have a grand announcement. In honour of your achievement, you're all hereby-
Bender: No!
Hermenthotip: Tell the slaves they can all go-
Bender: Go faster? I told them but they're so damn lazy.
Hermenthotip: No. I mean they are all free-
Bender: Free-loading off you? I agree.
Hermenthotip: No, I-
Osiran: Pharaoh Hermenthotip is dead.
Bender: He's whippin' angels now.
High Priest: We commend the body of Hermenthotip to the abode of the damned. The damned good looking! Pharaoh commanded me to tell that joke at his funeral.
Bender: I'll always remember you, Hermenthotip!
High Priest: To equip Pharaoh for his journey, we bury him with his favourite possessions. Such as his heart and liver. And the many goods he left in his royal garage. Also, this bag of cats our culture considers holy.
Singer: Pharaoh my God-king, You are cold and deceased, I used to have him sing...
Singer: P-P-P-Pharaoh and his pets...
Singer: But the years went by, And Pharaoh died, Suzie will have joined him in the afterlife-
Osiran: Hermenthotip is gone. The time to designate a new Pharaoh is at hand.
Bender: Wow!
Osiran: At dawn tomorrow, the high priest will consult the Wall of Prophecy to determine Hermenthotip's successor. That concludes the funeral. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.
Fry: Can you believe it? Pharaoh's dead!
Slave #1: Yes! Tonight we are slaves to no one, except the rhythm!
Leela: Yeah! Play those bongos!
Fry: I'm gonna spin till I fall down!
Bender: We interrupt this ancient prophecy to bring you late-breaking bulletin. He hammers the back of his head and creates and imprint of himself on the wall.
High Priest: Great Wall of Prophecy, reveal to us God's will that we may blindly obey.
Priests: Free us from thought and responsibility.
High Priest: We shall read things off you.
Priests: Then do them.
High Priest: Your words guide us.
Priests: We're dumb.
Fry: You know what else stinks about being a slave? The hours.
High Priest: The prophecy is strange and crudely drawn at best. It indicates that, we are "here" and our next Pharaoh is over there, near some ... tents.
Bender: Those are waves, jackass. It's supposed to be a river!
Fry: Hey. I think I know who the next Pharaoh is!
Leela: Oh, Lord!
High Priest: We hear your voice, oh, great Pharaoh. Reveal yourself to us.
Bender: Behold! I have emerged from the place of spells and fairies!
High Priest: It is he. Just as the Wall of Prophecy prophesied. Long live Pharaoh Bender!
Slaves: Long live Pharaoh Bender!
Leela: This society is a bunch of idiots.
High Priest: People of Osiris 4, please welcome a man who started as a slave but worked his way up to Lord of All Creation! Our new Pharaoh, Bender!
Bender: Citizens of Me! The cruelty of the old Pharaoh is a thing of the past. Let a whole new wave of cruelty wash over this lazy land.
Leela: What did he say?
Bender: Hear the word of Pharaoh. Build unto me a statue of ridiculous proportion. One billion cubits in height ... ... that I might be remember-ed for all eternity. And be quick about it!
Bender: Lowly slave, why are you not working?
Slave #2: I am.
Bender: I meant yourself to death.
Slave #3: Mighty Pharaoh, it hurts when I breathe.
Bender: Well then what do you think you should stop doing? Crawl, pigs!
Leela: Ow!
Bender: The Pharaoh has spoken.
Bender: Your task is nearly completed. Don't let down Pharaoh now.
Osiran: The great monument is finished, oh Pharaoh. And now, the unveiling.
Statue: Remember me. Remember me. Remember me.
Osiran: Does it please you, my lord?
Bender: Hmm ... it's a good start. Uh, yeah, it's definitely big alright. I just wonder if it's too big, y'know? I mean, are people gonna be remembering me or the statue?
High Priest: But, sire, we made it to your exact specifications.
Bender: Too exact if you ask me. Tear it down and try again. But this time don't embarrass yourselves.
High Priest: Ladies and gentlemen, the Pharaoh suddenly died.
Leela: Good riddance.
Bender: What about my servants?
Priest: Oh, yeah.
Fry: Bender, I really hope that's you. 'Cause if it isn't ... we're in trouble!
Leela: You jerk. Why'd you have to drag us along?
Bender: I wanted to watch you remember me.
Leela: Did you really think you'd need all this junk in the afterlife?
Bender: Afterlife? Pft. If I thought I had to go through a whole other life I'd kill myself right now.
Leela: Well rot in peace. Fry and I are leaving.
Bender: Sorry, but we're totally sealed in. Nothing can get in or out. Except millions of snakes. Here, have a pomegranate schnapps from my private distillery and start sharing fond memories of me, Bender.
Fry: What proof is this? Some huge number?
Leela: It's explosive! Maybe we could escape by setting fire to the distillery and blowing this whole place to rubble! Let's get a little kindling going!
Bender: No! You can't blow up my monument. I won't be remembered.
Leela: Oh, right, how selfish of me. We'll just stay here forever. Hey, Fry? Remember that robot "Bender"?
Fry: Bend-er? Doesn't ring a bell. Did you hear something, Leela?
Leela: No. But I bet it wasn't someone who was good at stealing.
Bender: Stop it, stop it! It's not right! You've crossed a line.
Fry: Hey, Leela, you know who I remember?
Bender: Oh, please, let it be me.
Fry: That guy who used to bend things. You know?
Bender: Me, please!
Fry: Hermes.
Bender: Alright, alright! If it means that much to you, blow up my statue.
Leela: Oh, Bender! When did you come in? Hold still!
Leela: Let's blow this tomb!
Slave #1: Pharaoh Bender! He once more walks among the living.
Bender: How we doing?
Statue: Remember me.
Bender: I will. I will.
Bender: Please, just leave me alone.
Leela: Bender, I understand your desire to be remembered. But you don't need a statue for that.
Bender: I don't?
Leela: No. You have your legacy as a brutal, tyrannical dictator, and that will outlive any monument.
Bender: You really think they'll remember me?
Fry: Absolutely.
Bender: Well in that case. One planet down! Helmsman...
Bender: Set course for Earth!
Leela: That's not Earth.
Bender: Oh.


Leela: What do you think of the view Fry?
Fry: It really puts things in perspective. I mean, from up here an entire world can seem utterly insignificant.
Bender: Hey nice seats! We're close enough so when you knock a player down with a beer bottle, he stays down!
Fry: I don't get it. Is blernsball exactly the same as baseball?
Farnsworth: Baseball?? God forbid!
Leela: Face it Fry. Baseball was as boring as mum and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up.
Fry: Boring? Baseball wasn't - hmm, so they finally jazzed it up?
Fry: Home run!! Woooo! Right?
Umpire: Out!
Fry: What just happened? Why is the ball on that springy thing?
Leela: It's traditional. Just like aluminium bats and the seventh inning grope.
Bender: I got me a souvenir! Aww here you go kid!
Zoidberg: I'd like a jumbo squidlog please.
Man: We don't sell those.
Zoidberg: Alright, alright. Let me have one of your young on a roll.
Man: We're out of rolls.
Zoidberg: Fine! Just give me something crawling with parasites.
Fry: Mmmm, at least hot dogs haven't changed.
Bender: Hey buddies who wants popcorn?
All: I'll have some, me, yeah!
Bender: Anyone want butter on that?
Fry: Hey I'm starting to get the hang of this game! The blerns are loaded, the count's three blerns and two anti-blerns and the infield blern rule is in effect, right?
Leela: Except for the word "blern" that was complete gibberish. [The blernsball falls into a hole and indescribable mayhem ensues! Fry scratches his head in confusion. Leela writes on her score card. All right! Yes!!
Fry: What just happened?
Leela: Miller's on a pace to hit 70 blerns!
Farnsworth: He's good all right. But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days when steroid injections were mandatory.
Bender: Clem Johnson? That skin bag wouldn't have lasted one pitch in the old Robot Leagues! Now Wireless Joe Jackson, there was a blern hitting machine!
Leela: Exactly! He was a machine designed to hit blerns! I mean come on! Wireless Joe was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels.
Bender: Oh and I suppose pitching at 5000 was just a modified howitzer.
Leela: Yep.
Bender: You humans are so scared of a little robot competition you won't even let us on the field.
Fry: What are you talking about? There's all kinds of robots down there.
Bender: Yeah doing crap work! They're bat boys, ball polishers, sprinkler systems. But how many robot managers are there?
Fry: Eleven?
Bender: Zero! And what a surprise! Look who's scraping up the filth! Is it a human child? I wish!
Farnsworth: Oh dear Lord!
Fry: What's wrong?
Farnsworth: It's...my...new...pager.
Hermes: This is Hermes. A package just came in. Everyone is to return to the office immediately. Get away you filthy bird! Shoo! Professor turn me off quick!
Farnsworth: I'm sorry what?
Hermes: Argh! See you at the office!
Bender: Admit it. You all think robots are machines built by humans to make their lives easier.
Fry: Well, aren't they?
Bender: I've never made anyone's life easier and you know it!
Farnsworth: Great news everyone. You'll be delivering a package to Chapek 9. A world where humans are killed on sight!
Fry: Why is that great news?
Farnsworth: I'm glad you asked that question Fry. You see Chapek 9 was colonised centuries ago by a murderous crew of radical robot separatists.
Bender: Oh so just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him a radical?
Leela: Hey hold on. I understand these robots hate humans but how do they feel about humanoid aliens?
Farnsworth: They're not fans.
Hermes: That's why Bender will have to make the actual delivery.
Bender: Oh I get it, make the robot do all the work!
Leela: This is the first actual work you've ever had to do around here.
Bender: Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday.
Fry: Really? Which one?
Bender: Only Robanukah. The holiest two weeks on the robot calendar.
Leela: Oh come on Bender. Last month it was Robomadan and before that Robonzaa.
Fry: Man that one was a blast!
Bender: It wasn't just a blast it was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest.
Hermes: Now look here Bender. I respect your diversity to the extent the law requires but you used up all your days off when you had that bout of Roberculosis.
Bender: All right, I'll go. But so help me, I'll hold a grudge against every last one of you for the rest of your lives.
Farnsworth: Well then it's settled. So long everyone!
Fry: So let me get this straight This planet is completely uninhabited?
Bender: No. It's inhabited by robots!
Fry: Oh. Kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes.
Leela: OK Bender, we're here. It's time to get to work.
Bender: Yes Miss Leela, tote that space barge, lift that space bale.
Leela: Now we can't land on the surface because those robots will kill Fry and me, so we'll have to stay up here and lower you with the winch. And remember You don't know humans, you don't work for humans, and above all, you don't like humans!
Bender: I'll try to keep that in mind!
Leela: Hmm, he seems pretty angry.
Fry: Yeah but I guess I'd be angry too if I had to go to some uninhabited planet.
Leela: Maybe we ought to do something nice for him.
Leela: There. That ought to show that stupid robot we care about him.
Fry: Ah, Bender must be done with the delivery.
Bender: I'm in trouble. they found out I work with humans and - oh no, oh no!
Fry: Oh my God! We have to go down and rescue him.
Leela: No we can't! They'll kill us on sight.
Fry: Well what are we going to do?
Leela: I don't know, I don't know. It's not an easy decision. If only I had two or three minutes to think about it.
Leela: OK. If we're going to save Bender, we've got to look and act exactly like robots.
Fry: I am fully operational Captain.
Leela: We have to walk like robots, talk like robots and if necessary solve complex differential equations like robots.
Fry: I can sort of dance like a robot. Will that help?
Leela: Fry first of all this is serious. And second of all...
Fry: Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten store bought costumes.
Leela: Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant.
Robot Guard #1: Halt!
Robot Guard #2: Be you robot or human?
Leela: Robot...we be.
Fry: Uh yup! Just two robots out roboting it up! Eh?
Robot Guard #1: Administer the test.
Robot Guard #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A A puppy? B A pretty flower from your sweetie or C A large properly formatted data file?
Robot Guard #1: Choose!
Fry: Is the puppy mechanical in any way?
Robot Guard #2: No. It is the bad kind of puppy.
Leela: Then we'll go with that data file.
Robot Guard #2: Correct.
Robot Guard #1: The flower would also have been acceptable.
Robot Guard #2: You may pass.
Leela: Now if you see any robots, just stay out of their way. So far, so good.
Robot Builder: Little to the right, there you go.
Leela: Have you seen this robot?
Robot Builder: Sorry, can't help you. Hey, watch it! Don't drop that there! Aw!
Leela: Come on Fry, walk like a robot.
Fry: I can't. I have to go to the bathroom.
Leela: Robot's don't have bathrooms.
Fry: Oh right. I wonder where they all smoke in high school.
Leela: Listen. Just go behind those garbage cans. I'll stand guard.
Leela: Hurry up Fry.
Resin-Offering Robot: Sir? Are you aware that you're leaking coolant at an alarming rate?
Fry: Uh...
Resin-Offering Robot: Well let me just patch you up with some hot resin.
Fry: I think the leak's stopping itself. Wait. Wait. Yeah, there we go. Wait. Yeah!
Resin-Offering Robot: What sort of robot turns down a free blast of searing hot resin?
Leela: I'm sorry. My friend and I have to go and perform some mindless repetitive tasks.
Resin-Offering Robot: Sounds like a romantic evening. I won't keep you.
Patrol Officer #1: Get the humanoids.
Patrol Officer #2: Get the intruder.
Announcer: Intruder alert! Intruder alert!
Leela: Quick! Let's duck in here!
Announcer: We interrupt this sound file to bring you a terrifying announcement. A non-metallic being has been sighted in the vicinity of Make Out Point.
Rusty: Say Wendy. Your chassis is a little scuffed. Mind if I polish it for you?
Wendy: Did you hear that Rusty? It sounded like a human.
Rusty: Relax Wendy. Humans will never come to our defenceless little town. It's perfectly safe to let our guard down - even for a second.
Robot Human: Graaah! I will eat and digest you all with my system of mighty organs! Behold!
Audience: Ooooo!
Fry: Wow the 3-D's great!
Leela: Mine's not working!
Robot General: Funny, isn't it? The human was impervious to our most powerful magnetic fields, yet in the end he succumbed to a harmless sharpened stick!
Wendy: I'm just glad the nightmare is over.
Robot General: It'll never be over Wendy. Even now humans are lurking in our playgrounds, our breezeways, perhaps even...our movie theatres!
Fry: God help us!
Leela: OK. Keep an eyeout for Bender.
Robot #1: So what did you think of the movie?
Fry: Umm, too much romance, not enough human killing.
Robot #2: Yeah, it was a real chick flick.
Leela: What's that?
Robot #1: What do you mean "What's that?"? Its 5 o'clock Time for the daily human hunt.
Leela: Try to stay with the crowd so no one notices how crummy you look.
Crummy Robot: Awww that was uncalled for!
Fry: I'm over here!
Robot #4: I heard a human was draining coolant behind garbage can 738.
Robot #5: I heard they unscrew our lugnuts at night and eat them at their human brunches.
Robot Mayor: Welcome to a very special human hunt. We have with us today a guest who's irrational hatred of humans makes me look like a human sympathiser! A newly arrived refugee from Earth, lets hear it for - Bender!
Fry: It's him. He's OK!
Bender: Death to humans!
Fry: Ahh! It's good to hear his voice!
Bender: Many said I was too extreme when I first called for the annihalation of the human species, as well as some of the more cunning monkeys. But after living on Earth I can tell you that I am, if anything, too merciful!
Fry: My God! He's become evil. I mean eviler!
Bender: Thank you, thank you. And if you enjoyed that diatribe then you'll want to purchase my spoken word album, just 18.95! Act now and you'll get this Bender action figurine.
Bender Figurine: Bite my shiny metal ass!
Robot Mayor: Let the hunt begin!
Bender: Now. Your basic human is between three and twenty five feet tall and is made of a hairy, oily goo wrapped in a t-shirt.
Robot #1: Is it true they bite your neck, suck your transmission fluid and then you become a human?
Bender: Sure, why not?
Robot #1: Anything in the trap?
Bender: Nothing. Today's active humans prefer a low calorie bait.
Robot Mayor: Well that makes 146,000 unsuccessful hunts in a row. But I've got a good feeling about tomorrow.
Bender: Wait, what's that?
Robot Mayor: Oh thats the old abandoned adult book store. Nothing in there except a few mouldy old shreads of robot pornography.
Bender: Hmmm, sounds like a breeding ground for humans. I'd better check it out.
Bender: Oh yeah! You're a bad girl aren't you?
Fry: Psst! Bender!
Bender: Huh? Wha? You! What the hell are you doing here?
Fry: We've been looking for you. Last we heard you were under arrest as a human sympathiser.
Bender: I was. But they let me go when I told them that I'd killed a million billion humans.
Leela: Good for you. Now lets all get back to the ship.
Bender: What for?
Fry: We're rescuing you.
Bender: I don't wanna be rescued.
Fry: Say what?
Bender: I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame and access to sleaze that those things bring.
Fry: But Bender, we're your friends.
Bender: Friends? That activates my hilairity unit! I'm just a machine to you. You're no more friends with me than you are with the toaster, the phonograph or the electric chair.
Fry: That's not true.
Bender: Well that's how it feels to me.
Fry: Bye Bender. I'll miss you.
Bender: Go on, get out of here before you get caught.
Robot Mayor: Bender, good news. Your album just went gold! What the?
Robot #1: Its the humans!
Robot Mayor: Bender! Do something!
Bender: Uh...got you...you muderous...flesh piles!
Robot Mayor: Your Honour, I intend to demonstrate beyond 0.5% of a doubt that these humans before us are guilty of the crime of being humans. Come to think of it, I rest my case!
Judge: Thank you, Prosecutor. I will now consider the evidence.
Fry: Hey, wait a minute! Isn't anyone gonna defend us?
Leela: Yeah! I mean, he might not have a case, but I'm genuinely not human.
Robot Mayor: Quiet, human!
Robot Clerk: Uh oh! He froze up again!
Robot Mayor: Try control alt delete.
Robot #1: Jiggle the cord.
Robot #2: Turn him off and on.
Robot #3: Clean the gunk out of the mouse.
Fry: Call technical support.
Robot Clerk: OK, OK. He's back online.
Judge: I find the defendants - guilty!
Fry: No!
Leela: Look! One eye! Count them One! Not human!
Judge: The humans are hereby sentenced to live as robots live on Earth. They will perform tedious calculations and spot-weld automobiles, until they become obsolete and are given away to an inner-city middle school.
Robot Mayor: Great work Bender! You've taught us to hate humans all over again!
Bender: Heh heh heh! Oooh!
Leela: Are you alright?
Fry: Oh yeah.
Leela: Who are you?
Blue Elder: We are the robot elders.
Fry: You don't look very old.
Blue Elder: Thanks. We try to take care of ourselves.
Leela: What's going on here?
Orange Elder: Silence! Bring in Bender.
Bender: Alright lets make this quick, I'm due at the opening of a mini-mall. Hey what is this?
Blue Elder: Silence! It is time to put the humans to death!
Fry: But the judge already sentenced us at the trial!
Orange Elder: Silence! That was just a show for the public. We are the true rulers of this planet, hand carved from meteorites by the Robot Founders, over four centuries ago.
Blue Elder: Silence! Come forward Bender. You will have the honour of executing the prisoners.
Green Elder: Silence! I concur!
Orange Elder: Here. Use the ceremonial killamajig.
Bender: Uh, I'm a little tired right now. Would it be alright if I just gave them a savage beating?
Blue Elder: No! The Elders have spoken. Show us the killing skills than have made you a media darling.
Green Elder: Do it now! Kill them before they bring down our whole society!
Elders: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Bender: Aww! I can't kill them. Plenty of humans have mistreated robots but not these two. they're my friends. Humans are no threat to us. They're stupid, putrid cowards.
Fry: Damn right!
Bender: The fact is, humans are completely harmless.
Blue Elder: We're well aware of that.
Bender: You are?
Blue Elder: Of course. But they're useful to us as a scapegoat to distract the public from their real problem.
Green Elder: Like our crippling lugnut shortage.
Orange Elder: And a corrupt government of incompetent Robot Elders.
Lime Elder: Duh, that's for sure.
Blue Elder: Quiet Jimmy.
Bender: Well I'm glad we got all that out in the open. We'll just let ourselves out.
Green Elder: Silence! You all know too much.
Blue Elder: Elders Execute function, control, shift, kill!
Fry: Stop! Take one more step and I'll breathe fire on you!
Leela: He'll do it. He's crazy!
Orange Elder: Can they really breathe fire or did we make that up?
Blue Elder: Gee, I can't remember anymore! It might just be from that stupid movie.
Green Elder: Was that the original or the re-make?
Blue Elder: I don't - hey! They're getting away.
Fry: So long suckers! Uh, hello suckers!
Bender: Hey hold on a second I forgot to deliver the package.
Robot #1: Lugnuts! Precious lugnuts!
Robot #2: Hooray for the humans!
Bender: Wow, I can't believe you guys did all this for me! This is the best Robanukah ever!
Fry: We wanted to show you that we really do respect your robot heritage.
Bender: Aww, thanks! You do know I made Robanukah up to get out of work right?
Leela: Of course.
Fry: But that doesn't make it any less meaningful!
Bender: In that case - let the dancing begin! Hey you guys are good. How the hell do you do that??


Raiders Of The Lost Arcade: David X. Cohen
Farnsworth: There. I've finished fine-tuning my What-If machine. It can answer any "What-If" question, accurate to within one-tenth of a plausibility unit.
Leela: That's so plausible I can't believe it!
Farnsworth: Who wants the machine to show them an alternate reality?
Bender: Ooh! Ooh! I wanna know what would happen if I were human. I mean, being a robot's great, but we don't have emotions and sometimes that makes me very sad.
Farnsworth: Oh, Lordy Lou, there he goes again. Well, let's give baby what he wants. What if Bender were human?
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I've invented a way to turn Bender into a human using a process I call "reverse fossilisation".
Leela: How does it work?
Farnsworth: Well, in regular fossilisation, flesh and bone turn to minerals. Realising that, it was a simple matter to reverse the process. I've already tested it by turning the toaster into a racoon.
Fry: Kinda game-y.
Farnsworth: Are you ready, Bender?
Bender: I dunno. I'm beginning to have some second thoughts-
Hermes: Cover your shame, mon!
Farnsworth: It worked! Eat it, everyone whose never won a Nobel Prize! And that includes you, Amy!
Bender: So this is a human body, huh? Neat! Hey, my antenna's gone. No, it just moved. I'm not getting good reception on it though. Maybe if I wiggle it around a little.
Fry: Bender, no! You'll make God cry.
Bender: Well, let's see what kinda things this body can do. Hey, that's pretty fun. Being human is great!
Zoidberg: Hooray! It's just like Mardis Gras!
Bender: Guy! Guys! You've gotta see this. You're not gonna believe it!
Leela: Bender, it's OK to be proud but don't be a show-off.
Bender: Whoa! You look a lot better than you used to for some reason.
Amy: You're not so bad yourself, big boy.
Bender: Hey, that felt great! Nah, it's not working anymore.
Farnsworth: Speak for yourself!
Bender: Whoa! This is awesome!
Leela: Bender, you drank and smoked when you were a robot.
Bender: But now it's bad for me!
Fry: Speaking of which, try these nachos.
Bender: Mmm! Why didn't anyone tell me tasting things tasted so good? What's going on? That rhythm! It's doing something to my human butt.
Amy: Bender, part of being human is having self control.
Bender: Oh, my God! I bet I can eat nachos and go to the bathroom at the same time!
Amy: No, Bender!
Hermes: No!
Leela: Stop him.
Bender: Let me go.
Leela: No!
Farnsworth: Come, Bender. It's time to go home and rest. I need you in top shape next week when I present you to the Nobel Prize Committee. Bender?
Bender: Goodbye, moderation!
Zoidberg: Is Bender still missing for a week? Where is he, already?
Farnsworth: Uh, as I've said before, I used reverse fossilisation, which is the reverse of regular, um...
Fry: Pst! We found him!
Farnsworth: Ah! Then without further stalling for time, I present to the Nobel judges the first robot ever turned into a human.
Wernstrom: My God! He needs medical attention!
Zoidberg: Pulse, 300; liver, failing; cholesterol, 40?
Leela: Well, that's not so bad.
Zoidberg: No, I mean 40 pounds!
Farnsworth: This, um, scientific breakthrough ... heralds a new dawn in human-robot relations, yes.
Bender: C'mere and give old Bender a kiss. Hey, you like grilled cheese?
Farnsworth: And, um, that's why I believe I deserve the Nobel Prize.
Wernstrom: Not only do you not deserve a Nobel Prize for loosing this bloated man-ball on the world but you are hereby kicked out of the Academy of Science.
Bender: Wait! As men of science are not your minds open to new ideas? I say, do not judge me until you have tried my way of life for yourselves.
Wernstrom: Young man, you have opened our minds and swayed our hearts. Let us therefore-
Bender: Party!
Wernstrom: Bender, you were right! Truly you have lived more in your one week of being human than the rest of us have in our entire lives.
Bender: Woo!
Wernstrom: And so, to recognise your achievements, I hereby award you the Nobel Prize ... ... in, uh ... ... Chemistry.
Farnsworth: Care to say a few words, Bender?
Fry: He's dead.
Wernstrom: When did he die?
Farnsworth: About 12 hours ago when the party started.
Wernstrom: But he just said, "Woo."
Farnsworth: No, that was air escaping from the folds of his fat. Goodnight, sweet prince. You were the greatest man any of us will ever know. Well, let's get him out of here. He's starting to smell up the joint.
Narrator: You watched it, you can't un-watch it. Stay tuned for more Tales of Interest!
Farnsworth: Who else has a question for the What-If machine? Scruffy? Katrina? Xanthor?
Fry: Ooh, I have one. I'm good at video games and bad at everything else. That's why I wish life were more like a video game.
Farnsworth: Can you put that in the form of a question?
Fry: Uh, what if that thing I said?
Farnsworth: Oh, great machine, we beseech thee. What if life were more like a video game?
Nixon: Good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs and pay attention as I sign an historic peace accord with Ambassador Kong of planet Nintendu 64.
Fry: Wait a second! I know that monkey. His name is Donkey.
Farnsworth: Monkeys aren't donkeys! Quit messing with my head!
Nixon: I'll just put the old "John Q. Nixon" on it. There! No major crap-ups. You're on, Mr. Ambassador. What the-
Mario: Mamma Mia! The cruel meatball of war has rolled onto our laps and ruined our white pants of peace!
Man: Mr. Fry, rumour has it you know the secrets of the video game Chance. Please step into the war room.
Man: You'll be meeting with General Colin Pac-Man.
Pac-Man: Wakka, wakka, wakka, wakka. Let's get down to business. What can you tell us about the Nintendians?
Fry: Well, sir, I spent all of ninth grade studying them, except for that day when my eyeballs started to bleed. And in my opinion-
Pac-Man: Quickly! To the escape tunnels!
Pac-Man: This way, damnit!
Zoidberg: Mmm, delicious! Just like stale marshmallows! Ooh, and a cherry!
Fry: Hey, watch out!
Zoidberg: Uh-oh!
Leela: Oh, my God! He ate Fry! Fry is dead!
Fry: It's OK. I had another guy!
Pac-Man: Wakka ... wakka, wa-
Leela: Invaders! Possibly from space!
Lrrr: People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet Nintendu 64. Tremble in fear at our three different kinds of ships.
Fry: Alright! It's Saturday night, I have no date, a two-litre bottle of Shasta and my all-Rush mix tape. Let's rock!
Nd-Nd: We're losing ships, Lrrr. What are your orders?
Lrrr: Increase speed, drop down and reverse direction!
Fry: I've still got a trick or two up my sleeve. Watch, as I fire upwards through our own shields.
Bender: He's a madman! A madman!
Pac-Man: It's working! Victory is assured. My retirement tomorrow will be all the sweeter. I'm hit! So cold!
Ms. Pac-Man: No!
Fry: Amy, tend to the widow Pac-Man.
Ms. Pac-Man: Wakka, wakka, wakka.
Lrrr: Drop down and increase speed.
Zoidberg: One ship is left only.
Leela: Come on, Fry! Get it!
Fry: It's moving too fast! Oh, I could never get the last one. My brother always got it for me.
Lrrr: Drop down, reverse direction, prepare for landing.
Lrrr: You are defeated. Instead of shooting where I was, you should have shot at where I was going to be.
Beserk: All your base are belong to us.
Q-Bert: Where can a guy get a pair of pants around here?
Fry: What do you monsters want?
Donkey Kong: One thing and one thing only Quarters! A million allowances worth of quarters! No slugs or tokens.
Beserk: Fork 'em over! Fork 'em over!
Farnsworth: Forget it, you pixilated pirates. We need those quarters to do our laundry.
Amy: Yeah!
Bender: Right on!
Leela: Sure thing, Professor!
Lrrr: But-But space invaders need to do laundry too. I mean look at Donkey Kong here. Have you smelled his loincloth lately?
Zoidberg: Yes.
Amy: Go away! We're not giving you our quarters no matter what.
Lrrr: Well ... then what if we throw our laundry in with yours? Would that be acceptable?
Fry: I guess so.
Lrrr: OK, then. That settles that. But if this cape shrinks, consider your species extinct!
Narrator: Bravo! That'll be hard to top. I pity the next Tale of Interest.
Farnsworth: Well, there's time for one last question. Let's turn to the "Who Ask" machine to see who's next.
Who Ask Machine: Um, uh, um ... Amy. I mean Leela.
Leela: OK. As an alien who was abandoned on Earth, I've never really belonged anywhere.
Bender: Boo-hoo.
Fry: Ow!
Bender: Uh ... where?
Leela: So my question is this What if I found my true home? Ow!
Leela: Where are we?
Leela: Nibbler, I don't think we're in New New York anymore. Jeez! Apparently the phrase "tone it down" doesn't exist on this planet. Oh, no! We hit someone! Quick, back into the ship. Ooh! Nice boots!
Cubert: Look, everyone! She killed the Man-Witch of the West!
Leela: A witch? That explains how these boots magically appeared on my feet.
Small Glurmo #1: No, you stole them. We saw you.
Leela: Well ... i-it's hard to find shoes that fit me. So, anyway, who are you people? Haven't I seen you in some copyrighted movie?
Small Glurmo #1: We resemble but are legally distinct from the lollipop guild, the lollipop-
Amy: Greetings, Leela. I'm the Cute Witch of the North!
Leela: Yeah... Can anyone fix my ship so I can get home?
Amy: Abraca-duh! Just ask the Professor. He lives in the Emerald Laboratory down Martin Luther King Boulevard.
Leela: You mean that yellow brick road?
Amy: The city council renamed it in 1975. Ooh! Those are great shoes!
Leela: Oh, thank you.
Amy: Do they come in women's sizes?
Fry: OK, crow, prepare to be scared. And then, "honk, honk," the car honked its own horn!
Leela: Wow! A talking scarecrow. Wanna come with us to see the Professor? He might be able to give you a brain.
Fry: Hey! That's not a nice thing to say.
Bender: Beer! Beer!
Leela: Whiskey OK?
Bender: Now did you say you were off to see the Professor? 'Cause I could use a heart - a human heart. I need to pump a lot of blood out of my basement.
Zoidberg: And I'm the other guy, courage. Not enough of it. Need some from whatshisname.
Mom: Damn this DSL! Fly, my stupids! Fly out and get them!
Igner: But, Mom, you promised you'd bake monkey cake today.
Mom: By "monkey cake" I meant your ass!
Fry: Man, we've been skipping for hours. I need to pull over and take the wiz.
Zoidberg: What, do I smell or something?
Leela: Why did you bring us here?
Zoidberg: And why did I have to take a cab?
Mom: I'll tell you why I brought you here, you twice-baked barf bags Because I've always wanted a daughter to love. You want to get adopted, you little skank?
Leela: And live here? And be a witch like you? Yeah, alright. As long as I get to hurt people and not just dance around at the equinox.
Mom: Absolutely.
Leela: Oh, Mommy! I found my true home!
Bender: Hooray!
Zoidberg: Alright!
Fry: That's great, Leela.
Bender: I've heard worse excuses to drink. Oops!
Mom: I'm melting! Oh, who would have thought a small amount of liquid would ever fall on me?
Bender: Well, no point letting her go to waste.
Hermes: Yes?
Leela: We're here to see the Professor.
Hermes: No one sees the mighty Professor.
Farnsworth: Who's there, Hermes? Is it visitors? I want to see them.
Hermes: It's nobody. Now sign that will I gave you! He's not here.
Leela: Oh, for the love of Benji!
Farnsworth: I am the Professor, great and ... uh ... forgetful! Now, what do you nice kids want?
Zoidberg: Nothing! I'm leaving. But if you have extra courage I'd haul it away for you, maybe?
Farnsworth: Oh, blithery poop, my cowardly lobster! You don't need courage. After all, who needs courage when you have a gun?
Zoidberg: No, world, you put your hands up!
Farnsworth: And you, lad, all you need is brain.
Fry: Why does everyone keep saying that?
Bender: This is a stick-up. Gimme the bag, old man!
Farnsworth: Here you go, my friend. 5000 Professor Land fun bucks.
Bender: Oh, crap.
Farnsworth: As for you, young lady, you want to go home, right?
Leela: No, not anymore. I wanna stay here and become the new Wicked Witch.
Farnsworth: Nonsense. Now click your big, honking boots together three times and wish to go home to Kansas, to live in poverty with your dirt-farming, teetotalling aunt and uncle.
Leela: Uh, alright. Here I go. There's no place like- I wanna be a witch! Oh, no! Help! What's happening?
Zoidberg: Uh, sorry. I think there's a problem with your upstairs toilet.
Bender: Wake up!
Fry: Leela, are you alright? You got wanged on the head.
Leela: I was having the most wonderful dream. Except you were there, and you were there, and you were there.
Fry: Never mind, Professor. She came to.
Farnsworth: Oh! So close.
Hermes: There's always next year, Professor. There's always next year.


Fry: I've never seen a supernova blow up, but if it's anything like my old Chevy Nova, it'll light up the night sky!
Bender: Yeah! Anyone who misses this will regret it the rest of his life. Hey, Fry, could you go make some popcorn?
Fry: OK.
Fry: Let's go, microwave, I'm in a hurry here! Hm? Hey, what smells like blue?
Leela: Fry, get up here! It's starting!
Farnsworth: Focus!
Bender: Oh, boy!
Leela: Oh!
Fry: Hey, which crazy thing happening are you guys screaming about?
Zoidberg: My head is spinning.
Fry: Ooh! My popcorn's done!
Fry: Aw! It's less popped than ever.
Leela: I don't know what happened, but we've taken on a lot of clocks. Let's get back home.
Leela: Why is there so little traffic around Earth?
Farnsworth: And what's this layer of ozone? That's never been there before.
Zoidberg: Such noises!
Leela: Oh, no! There's no global positioning signal! Navigation is failing.
Fry: We're gonna crash!
Leela: Not if I can help it! Oh, I guess I can't. Everyone, put on your seatbelts.
Bender: Ah, those things cost more lives than they save.
Fry: Bender, are you OK?
Bender: I dunno. I'll try to move my feet.
Leela: Alright, here's the plan Zoidberg, pick up the pieces. Everyone else, take five.
Zoidberg: And Zoidberg picks up another piece. The crowd goes wild! What is?
Man: General, in all my years of covering top secret discoveries with sheets, I've never dramatically revealed anything as shocking as this. Dun-dun-dun! The debris from an alien spaceship.
General: Son, I think I can safely say-
Man: As you can see, 1947 is going to be an eventful year for the town of ... Roswell, New Mexico.
Farnsworth: Remarkable! According the high-precision digital chronograph it's July 9th, 1947, which would explain why the chronograph has turned into this pin-up calendar.
Bender: Wait a second. You mean we travelled through time?
Farnsworth: Doy! Some idiot must have put metal in the microwave-
Fry: Yo!
Farnsworth: And the microwave radiation, combined with the gravitons and graviolis from the supernova, blasted us through time itself.
Leela: Have you seen today's news?
Bender: High school gym renovations on schedule? What a load!
Leela: No, over here! Flying saucer captured!
Bender: That's no flying saucer! That's my ass!
Fry: My God! This means the flying saucer that crashed in Roswell ... was us!
Farnsworth: And the alien they captured was ... was...
Zoidberg: Hello! So what are you guys doing tonight? I'm up for whatever.
Farnsworth: Yes, we tore the universe a new space-hole alright! But it's clenching shut fast. Our only hope to get back to our own time is to go through it in, oh, say ... ... exactly 24 hours.
Leela: No problem. The ship's fixed except for the cup holder and I should have that operational within 10 hours.
Farnsworth: You've got eight! But a more urgent concern is the microwave. Without a working one we have no hope of returning to the future.
Leela: Well, I'm sure we can buy a microwave somewhere around here. Meanwhile, you guys sneak onto the army base and rescue Bender's body.
Fry: Hey, and while we're on the base, I'll visit my grandfather, Enos. He was stationed at Roswell.
Farnsworth: Your grandfather? Stay away from him, you dim-witted monkey! You mustn't interfere with the past. Don't do anything that affects anything, unless it turns out you were supposed to do it. In which case, for the love of God, don't not do it!
Fry: Got it.
Farnsworth: If, for example, you were to kill your grandfather, you would cease to exist.
Fry: But existing is basically all I do!
General: What is your purpose here?
Zoidberg: Alright, Officer, I'll move along.
Man: What the general means is why did you come to Earth?
Zoidberg: Not a day goes by I don't ask myself the same question.
Sergeant: Enos! Private, I want that toilet bowl so clean I could eat off it! 'Cause I intend to!
Enos: Well gadzooks, Sarge!
Fry: It's him! It's my grandfather, Enos.
Sergeant: Now prepare my lunch and place it in the latrine at twelve-hundred hours!
Fry: That Jeep's gonna hit him! And I won't exist anymore! Are you crazy? You almost got yourself run over!
Enos: I did? Then I sure am lucky you knocked me onto this pile of rusty bayonets!
Bender: Pst! Fry! Stop interfering with history. I don't wanna have to memorise a lot of new kings when I get back.
Fry: I had no choice; I was about to not exist. I could feel myself fading away, like Greg Kinnear.
Enos: Well, thanks, soldier. I'm off to make Sarge's lunch! Handling raw chicken, best part of the job! Mmm! Finger-licking good!
Fry: That's it! This place is too dangerous. We gotta get you out of here! Everything's gonna be alright, Dad!
Enos: Well gadzooks! I'd better ask Sarge.
Fry: No time! Run! Run to safety!
Man: This experiment will determine what food, if any, the alien eats.
Zoidberg: A buffet! Oh, if only I had my wallet with me!
Man: Um, it's free.
General: Get me the President.
Leela: Fry's from around this time. I'll talk like him. Yo, homes! We're looking for a microwave oven.
Salesman: Microwave? Never heard of that brand, sweetheart. What you want is the "Deluxe Gas Princess". This beauty has four broilers, a casserole indicator, a fold-out ironing board and, down here, a foot-soaking tub. Since, as a woman, you'll be standing in front of it all day.
Leela: Oh, I'm sorry. Now I'll aks you again Where can we find a mi-cro-wave?
Salesman: Sir, your wife's hysterical, so I'll address this to you. This oven is lightning fast. It takes only five hours to cook a roast.
Farnsworth: Ooh, that's good news! You know, you really don't cook enough roasts, Leela. Women!
Fry: Thank God I got you off that dangerous army base.
Enos: You sure are the helpful type, stranger. Say, you got anything to eat in that there lunchbox? Ooh! Snacks!
Bender: Hey! That's my brain!
Enos: Damn! Them crackers cut my mouth up somethin' bad! Let's stop off for a malt.
Enos: See that waitress there?
Fry: Yowza! I know what I want for dessert!
Enos: That's my fiancée, Mildred.
Fry: Grandma Mildred? Uh, no dessert! Just coffee.
Mildred: Okie-doke. And for you, Snuggums?
Enos: Uh, I'll have a pie with a fried egg on top.
Fry: She sure is pretty. You ought to marry her and father some children right away.
Enos: Yeah, folks say that. But did you ever get the feeling you're only going with girls 'cause you're supposed to?
Fry: What? Don't ever, ever say or think that again! Please! Just concentrate on staying alive. Fire! Look out! Oh! You almost got neutered.
Enos: Well it ain't as bad as getting killed.
Fry: For me it is! I'm getting you outta here!
Enos: Ow!
Fry: OK, we're in the middle of nowhere, which is the safest part of nowhere. Just stay put and enjoy this calendar.
Fry: Safe and sound! Finally, I can continue to exist.
Man #2: Three, two, one.
Bender: And you are outta here!
Mildred: What'll you folks have today?
Farnsworth: I'll have the soylent green, with a slice of soylent orange and some soylent coleslaw.
Mildred: Pardon?
Leela: It's the 20th century, Professor.
Farnsworth: Oh, right! I'll have a croque monsieur, the paella, two mutton pills and a stein of mead.
Leela: I'll just have a small injection of Femislim.
Mildred: Uh, two chilli dogs comin' up.
Leela: Well, settle in. Without a microwave we're trapped in this time period.
Farnsworth: Oh, Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible music of the Big Bopper and then the terrible tragedy of his death.
Leela: Wait a second! There's a microwave radar dish at the army base. We could steal it!
Farnsworth: No! That would alter history. Above all else, it is our sacred duty to preserve the past exactly as it was.
Fry: Well, I killed my grandfather.
Farnsworth: Wha?
Leela: Wait. If you killed your grandfather, why do you still exist?
Fry: I dunno. Maybe God loves me.
Mildred: Killed? In an atomic blast? No, sir, I'm afraid I don't take much solace in the fact that the implosion trigger functioned perfectly.
Fry: Aw. There, there. If it makes you feel any better, his body was vaporised so there's no chance of him coming back as a zombie.
Mildred: I'm not worried about that.
Fry: Then you're a braver woman than I.
Mildred: You remind me of Enos. Would you mind walking me home?
Fry: Uh, how far is it?
General: Welcome to Roswell, President Truman.
Truman: Fellas, this visit's top secret. No one's to know about it except the senior officers ... ... scientists ... ... and a single conspiracy nutter no one will believe.
General: Mr. President, our men have assembled the parts from the alien ship into its original design.
Truman: Whistling Dixie! I want this sent to Area 51 for study.
General: But, sir, that's where we're building the fake moon landing set.
Truman: Then we'll have to really land on the moon. Invent NASA and tell them to get off their fannies!
Truman: If you come in peace, surrender or be destroyed. If you're here to make war, we surrender.
Zoidberg: Both good. The important thing is I'm meeting new people.
Truman: Bushwah! Now what's your mission? Are you planning to make some kind of alien-human hybrid?
Zoidberg: Are you coming onto me?
Truman: Hot crackers! I take exception to that!
Zoidberg: I'm not hearing a no.
Truman: Nerks to this space crab! If we want information, we'll have to do us an old-fashioned alien autopsy!
Zoidberg: Hooray!
Mildred: Every little thing reminds me of Enos.
Fry: Aw, I know how you feel. My grandfather died recently.
Mildred: It's all so sad. At times like this, I just need someone to hold me. Mmm. You like holding me, don't you?
Fry: Hey, you know what always cheers you up? Baking me a nice tray of sugar cookies!
Mildred: How 'bout these cookies, sugar?
Fry: I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't even exist. But I do exist. Which proves ... you can't really be my grandm-
Bender: Oh, my God!
Farnsworth: What the hell have you done, Fry?
Fry: Relax! She can't be my grandmother. I figured it all out.
Farnsworth: Of course she's your grandmother, you perverted dope! Look!
Mildred: Come back to bed, deary.
Fry: It's impossible! I mean, if she's my grandmother, who's my grandfather?
Farnsworth: Isn't it obvious? You are!
Mildred: Did you say something, deary? I'm a bit hard of hearing.
Pathologist #1: Commencing excavation of the subject's chest cavity.
Zoidberg: And in this corner, Zoidberg! C'mon! Lighten up! What is this, a funeral?
Pathologist #2: Heart.
Zoidberg: Take, I've got four of them.
Pathologist #1: Stomach contents One deviled egg.
Zoidberg: Deviled egg?
Pathologist #1: The same deviled egg.
Leela: Snap out of it!
Farnsworth: Start the ship, Leela. Let's just steal the damn radar dish and get back to our own time.
Fry: But- But won't that change history?
Farnsworth: Oh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. I'm-My-Own-Grandpa! Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!
Conspiracy Nutter: UFO! UFO!
Zoidberg: Hey, don't cut that! I need that to speak!
Pathologist #2: Oh, my!
Truman: Sweet Roosevelt's ghost!
Leela: Hi-yah! Yah! Yah!
Fry: Take this, Mr. President- Sir!
Zoidberg: The President is gagging on my gas bladder! What an honour!
Farnsworth: Huh, wha? Oh, right!
Sergeant: Enos!
Fry: He's dead! Sorry!
Fry: Yay!
Farnsworth: Choke on that, causality!
Bender: 1947 can kiss my shiny metal-
Fry: Turn around. We've gotta go back for Bender!
Farnsworth: Impossible! The supernova time hole is closing! If we don't leave now, we'll never get back to the 31st century.
Fry: Bender!
Zoidberg: There! Good as new!
Leela: Don't you need this one?
Zoidberg: Oh, no! That's my- Gotcha!
Fry: Oh, poor Bender. He must be so lonely right now, trapped a thousand years in the past. Hey! Wait a second!
Leela: Anything?
Fry: No. Wait!
Bender: Ow! Stupid junk!
Fry: He's alive! Bender, what was it like lying in that hole for a thousand years?
Bender: I was enjoying it until you guys showed up.
Farnsworth: Well, now everything is back as it was. And if history doesn't care that out degenerate friend Fry is his own grandfather then who are we to judge?
Bender: Amen!


Leela: Space pirates!
Fry: Space pirates?
Leela: You know. Pirates, but in space.
Pirate: Avast, mateys!
Pirate: Electronically transfer your space doubloons, afore I send thee to Davey Jarg's locker!
Bender: Hey! Keep it down, you kids! I'm trying to take a nap!
Fry: Come on! Come on!
Bender: Make Bender take a nap in a tube. Come back when I've had some sleep, baby!
Leela: Fry to battlestations. Fire torpedo number three.
Fry: Firing torpedo number three!
Bender: Huh? What?
Leela: That's not torpedo three. That's not torpedo three at all!
Bender: Damn you, Fry and Lee- -la!
Pirate: Too late do I realise that me children are me only real treasures.
Bender: Help! Mechanical man overboard!
Fry: Go after him, Leela!
Leela: It's no use. We were going full speed when we fired him so he's going even faster than that.
Fry: You mean we can never catch up to him? Not even if we rub the engine with cheetah blood?
Leela: I don't know how to say this, Fry, but Bender is doomed to drift through space ... forever.
Fry: He always wanted to drift forever, but through the American Southwest.
Bender: I'm going too fast. I've gotta lose momentum. I'm gonna spend eternity alone with barely any swag. Ooh! Hey, universe, check out the dude with the Rolex! Wow! Ostentatious! Except what good is a candelabra without- Wait! I know! Ah, the pity. Fated to drift forever through the void as gravity's plaything. Oh, cruel fate, to be thusly boned. Ask not for whom the bone bones. It bones for thee. The only thing that keeps me sane is the thought that I have all eternity in which to perfect my art. Damn you!
Bender: There! Now when I'm found in a million years people will know what the score was. Hey! what's bombarding me? Oh, no! An asteroid field. If even a pea-sized asteroid were to whiz through my skull it could- Ow! Hurt slightly! Well that was fun. Now for eons of loneliness.
Bender: Huh?
Shrimpkin Priest: Fellow Shrimpkins, behold him who hath taken us unto his breast.
Bender: Holy frijoles!
Shrimpkin Priest: All bow before the great Metal Lord!
Bender: Worshippers? This ought to liven up my endless, tragic voyage.
Shrimpkin Priest: All hail the Metal Lord!
Shrimpkins: So hailed!
Bender: Hmm. Those peewees think I'm God, huh? Hard to blame 'em! I am the Metal Lord. Who are you?
Malachi: I am called Malachi, Lord. It means, um, "He who really loves the Metal Lord".
Bender: Listen here, Malachi. Time for a religious donation. Hand over your wallet.
Malachi: But, Lord, we are a poor and simple folk.
Bender: Poor? Oh, crap.
Malachi: Pity me not, for I am richened by the love of my family.
Malachi'S Wife: What art thou doing, Malachi Jr.?
Malachi Jr.: I'm practising to hug Daddy when he gets back from God. Mmm! Mmm!
Bender: Eck! Gag unto me with a spoon! Malachi, it's high time I laid down a few commandments. You got a chisel? Take this down. Number one...
Malachi: Behold The One Commandment.
Bender: Make it a double!
Fry: Can you find him, Professor?
Farnsworth: No. I'm afraid the Smellescope isn't powerful enough. Bender's odour is so mild it's being overpowered by local sources.
Zoidberg: Hooray! People are paying attention to me!
Amy: Fry, we brought someone to cheer you up.
Hermes: His name is Helper and he's eager to be your new best friend.
Helper: Hello there, chum. I understand you miss your buddy. Have a pudding pop!
Fry: No, thanks, I don't-
Helper: Who wants to go to an amusement park?
Fry: Well, I guess that sounds OK.
Helper: Have a good time. Hey, I heard your friend Bender is back.
Fry: What? Really?
Helper: No. I just thought you would enjoy that for a moment.
Bender: Ooh! Microbrewed! My guys did alright! I think I'll make my countenance to shine down upon them. Malachi, good work. There's no slowing down with the Metal Lord tonight.
Malachi: Yes, tonight is kind of special.
Bender: Wait a second. Did you rip off your own arm as a joke?
Malachi: Nay. Like most of your followers, I was maimed while building the Great Brewery. Others died from the pestilent fumes it spewed forth. And, of course, the liquor industry attracted organised crime.
Bender: It's all my fault. Malachi, tell thy people that the Lord is moved by their plight.
Malachi'S Wife: Malachi Jr., no!
Malachi Jr.: Daddy, I can't hold much longer. My arms are tired from hugging.
Malachi: Save him! Save my son, oh Metal Lord!
Bender: This looks like a job for God! What the- Malachi, what manner of deal is this with the chanting?
Malachi: They saw you save my son. Now everyone is praying for their own miracles.
Bender: Very well. What do they want?
Malachi: The people of that village pray for wealth.
Bender: Um, that was a practice miracle. Who's next?
Malachi: The farmers pray for sunlight so their barley might make a more refreshing beer for today's God on the go.
Bender: Very well. Let there be light. I got it! I got it! Um, when you're writing the Bible, you might want to omit that last miracle.
Fry: He decided not to let go. I can't believe you're gone. I won't! If I can't reach you physically, I'll just have to try something desperate and crazy!
Fry: So that's my story, Father Changstein el Gamahl. Is there anything religion can do to help me find my friend?
Changstein El Gamahl: Well, we could join together in prayer.
Fry: Uh-huh. But is there anything useful we can do?
Changstein El Gamahl: No.
Gypsy: Sure I hold séance, channel your friend, no problem. Insert coin. I am your friend, Bonder.
Fry: Bonder? Is it really you?
Gypsy: Yes. I am fine. Give the gypsy $10.
Fry: Wait a minute! Bender's name isn't Bonder, it's Bender. You're a fraud!
Gypsy: Look, you want false hope or not?
Fry: Only if you don't have any real hope.
Gypsy: Well, there is perhaps one way. Have you heard of the Monks of Dschubba?
Fry: I've not heard of them.
Gypsy: They are an ancient order that believes God exists somewhere in the depths of space. They have built the universe's most powerful radio telescope, high in the Himalayas, to search for him.
Fry: You think they'd let me use it to look for Bender?
Gypsy: What am I, psychic? I mean, yes! Yes, I'm-I'm sure they will. Yes.
Malachi: Oh, Metal Lord, hear my prayer.
Bender: Yes, Malachi, what is it this time?
Malachi: My Lord, the infidels on your back no longer believe in you. They say their prayers go unheeded.
Bender: Of course they're unheeded. How am I supposed to hear prayers coming out of my ass?
Malachi: They talk of war against the faithful. I beseech thee. Rise up against them. Smite someone who deserves it for once.
Bender: Malachi, every time I interfere, I only make things worse. You're best off solving your own problems.
Malachi: But-But Metal Lord.
Bender: What part of "nay" doesn't thou understand?
Fry: Sir, I'm outfitting an expedition to a monastery high in the Himalayas. I'll need a long-sleeved coat.
Leela: Look, I miss Bender almost half as much as you do but you can't bring him back this way. It's hopeless.
Fry: You can't give up hope just because it's hopeless. You gotta hope even more and cover your ears and go "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!" I'd also like a pack mule.
Salesman: At once, sir!
Leela: Well, you obviously won't listen to reason, so I guess I'll listen to idiotic-ness and come with you. But we'll need a sherpa to guide us.
Bender: Now that's one Bible that doesn't disappoint on every page! Looks like society's running pretty well without my meddling- Atomic bombs? Oh, no! Those unbelievers from my backside must have found my nuclear pile!
Malachi: Fear not, my Lord. We shall be with you soon.
Bender: You're with me now. This is the maximum level of being with me!
Malachi: We will solve our own problems as you commanded. The time has come to convert the unbelievers.
Bender: Convert them?
Malachi: To radioactive vapour!
Malachi Jr.: Look, Daddy! I'm hugging God. Mmm! Mmm! Maybe if I hug him real hard he'll save us from-
Bender: No! Ooh! It tickles!
Bender: Hello? Is anyone still alive? How about in the porno theatre? Don't be embarrassed. They're dead. All dead. Who would have known playing God could have such terrible consequences?
Leela: Fry, if I drop dead from exhaustion, make sure my body freezes in a dignified position. None of that "huddled over for warmth" crap.
Namgyal: Behold. The Monastery of Dschubba. I must leave you now for I am not holy enough to enter.
Fry: OK.
Leela: Looks rickety. We'd better test it.
Female Voice: Welcome to our monastery. Please stand to one side to let faster pilgrims by.
Bender: Hey! That galaxy's signalling in binary. I gotta signal back. But I only know enough binary to ask where the bathroom is. You speak English?
Galaxy: I do now.
Bender: What are you? Some kind of galactic computer?
Galaxy: Possible. I am user friendly, my good chum.
Bender: Who built you?
Galaxy: I have always been.
Bender: Oh, my God. Are you God?
"God": Possible. I do feel compassion for all living things, my good chum.
Bender: But why would God think in binary? Unless ... you're not God, but the remains of a computerised space probe that collided with God.
"God": That seems probable.
Monk #1: A member of our brotherhood sits at these controls every hour of every day, scanning the heavens for God.
Monk #2: There he is! No. No, wait, no.
Leela: How long have you been at it?
Monk #1: 700 years. We've not yet examined one-ten-millionth of the sky. But we will go on until we find the Almighty, even if it takes till the end of time.
Fry: And then what?
Monk #1: Then we utter unto him a short prayer. You see, the telescope is also an amplifying transmitter.
Leela: Sort of like a giant karaoke machine?
Monk #1: Not really. Would you like to see our giant karaoke machine?
Leela: Not really.
Fry: Hmm. Finding God. That-That's important, yeah. But you know what might be a treat for everyone? If you let me use the telescope to find my lost friend, Bender.
Monk #1: I don't know what to say, other than "absolutely not". Your loss is a tragedy but our work-
Fry: Aw, come on! You guys have forever to look for God. All I'm asking is one measly lifetime to find my friend.
Monk #2: He speaks out of love for his friend. Perhaps that love in his heart is God.
Monk #1: Oh, how convenient! A theory about God that doesn't require looking through a telescope. Get back to work!
Fry: That telescope is as much mine as anybody's. I'm using it whether you give me permission or not.
Leela: Hi-yah! Your order may be famous for your martial arts, but I've never met a holy man I couldn't clobber.
Monk #1: Actually, we only practise martial arts as a form of meditation. We are a strictly non-violent sect.
Leela: Oh. Then get in the laundry room or I'll kick your butts!
Monk #3: This is the worst crazy sect I've ever been in.
Bender: So, do you know what I'm gonna do before I do it?
"God": Yes.
Bender: What if I do something different?
"God": Then I don't know that.
Bender: Cool! Cool! I bet a lot of people pray to you, huh?
"God": Yes. But there are so many asking so much. After a while, you just sorta tune it out.
Bender: Y'know, I was God once.
"God": Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died.
Bender: It was awful. I tried helping them, I tried not helping them but in the end I couldn't do them any good. Do you think what I did was wrong?
"God": Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what you do.
Bender: Yeah I know, that's why I asked if what I did- Forget it.
"God": Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you. And if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch like a safecracker or a pickpocket.
Bender: Or a guy who burns down the bar for the insurance money.
"God": Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.
Bender: Does that mean you wouldn't send me back to Earth even if I prayed to you?
"God": Earth? Which way is that?
Bender: I don't know.
Fry: Bender? Bender?
Monk #2: Let us out! We cooked our shoes in the dryer and ate them. Now we're bored.
Fry: Hello? Has anyone out there seen Bender?
H.G. Blob: No! Quit asking.
Leela: Fry, it's been three days. And even if you stay here the rest of your life, there is virtually no chance of finding him. It's time to give up.
Fry: You're right. I'm never gonna see him again. I know he was evil and on more than one occasion he-he actually stole my blood. But still, I wish I had Bender back.
"God": Huh?
Bender: Huh? Wha? You say something?
"God": No, no. Well, so long. Remember what we talked about.
Bender: Hot, hot, hot, hot!
Fry: Bender! It's a miracle! Ow!
Leela: This is, by a wide margin, the least likely thing that has ever happened.
Bender: Guys, you'll never believe what happened. First I was God, then I met God!
Fry: We climbed a mountain and locked up some monks.
Leela: Oh, no! The monks! We forgot to let them out of the laundry room.
Fry: Do we have to? I mean, they're monks. I'm sure their God will let them out or at least give them more shoes to eat.
Bender: Fat chance! You can't count on God for jack. He pretty much told me so himself. Now come on. If we don't save those monks, no one will!
"God": When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.


Man: Yes! Good thing I noticed the similar shapes.
Hermes: Planet Express stockholders, I present our chief executive officer, Professor Hubert Farnsworth.
Farnsworth: Oh!
Amy: There he is!
Hattie: Take it off!
Farnsworth: Where am I?
Hermes: Move forward. Walk into the light.
Farnsworth: Oh, God, I'm dead! Well, no matter. Thank you all for coming. I don't recognise any of you, nor can I recall why I am here. Now, without further ado, a film highlighting Planet Express Inc.'s latest fiscal year.
Narrator: Planet Express is on the move. For this hip, young delivery company, tomorrow is today and today is yesterday. You heard me. It was a year of soaring profits and significant one-time losses.
Fry: Psst! Watching myself work is making me hungry. Help me find some food somewhere.
Zoidberg: I'll not only help you find it, I'll help you do more to it!
Fry: Ooh! A Bot Mitzvah. Shalom, hunger! Shalom, free food!
Robot #1: No shellfish!
Zoidberg: That is so unfair!
Pig: Tell me about it.
Fry: So what's the deal? You guys don't believe in Robot Jesus?
Rabbi-Bot: We believe he was built and that he was a very well programmed robot. But he wasn't our Messiah.
Narrator: And so our company flames onwards. Planet Express Limitless potential, boundless horizons, the unstoppable juggernaut of the corporate universe.
Hermes: It's been a terrible year, people. The company is on the verge of bankruptcy.
Leela: But the movie-
Hermes: Was a substantial loss for the company. The blue slice represents the money we earned from shipping packages, while the green slice represents an $8 bank error in our favour.
Leela: This toads the wet sprocket. What about out thousands of shares of stock?
Hermes: Worthless.
Bender: I'll kill you!
Hattie: I own one share of Planet kajiggers so I'm entitled to some answers. Question 1 Why does no one visit me in my home?
Farnsworth: 'Cause your apartment smells like Polygrip and cat pee.
Fry: This is perfect for me.
Zoidberg: Question Do you have to have been cryogenically frozen to get the free- You didn't let me finish. I was going to say "to get the free food".
Joe: My name's Joe and I'm a defrostee.
All: Hello, Joe.
Joe: When I was frozen, giant carrots ruled the Earth, but now they don't. It takes some getting used to.
Steve Castle: Back in the 1980's, I was the toast of Wall Street. I was having whiskey with Boesky and cookies with Milken. But then, I was diagnosed with terminal boneitis.
Fry: Boneitis? Pft! That's a funny name for a horrible disease.
Steve Castle: There was no cure at the time. One drug company was close but I arranged a hostile takeover and sold off all the assets. Made a cool hundred mil. Naturally I froze myself until a cure was found. Now here I am, ready to sleaze my way back to the top, 80's style!
Caveman: As a caveman frozen in a glacier, I face different challenges. The hardest thing was seeing my wife on display in the British Museum.
Fry: Hey, buddy, I'm from the same time as you. Remember that song, Safety Dance?
Steve Castle: Sure do! We can dance!
Fry: Y'know, that dance wasn't as safe as they said it was.
Steve Castle: I tell you Two go-go 80's Reagan-auts like us, we could rule this world!
Fry: No question!
Steve Castle: If only someone would give us a shot.
Fry: They're scared of our raw power. Oh, but if you want a job, I could beg everyone at the company where I work.
Steve Castle: Awesome. Awesome to the max!
Hermes: And finally, the post office meter is for business mail only.
Bender: Aw, come on! I've got a lot of ransom notes to send!
Hattie: Enough talk. It's time for action. I move that everyone come to my apartment to snuggle my cat.
Scruffy: Second.
Farnsworth: I move that your cat stinks and is ugly.
Scruffy: Second.
Hattie: I move that we vote on a new chief executive officer and oust this old creep. And also that make cat smells good and is pretty.
Scruffy: Second.
Hermes: Very well. I nominate the Professor.
Amy: Second.
Leela: Second.
Bender: Second.
Farnsworth: I'm your man.
Leela: I vote my 10,000 shares for the Professor.
Hermes: Yeah, the Professor!
Farnsworth: Me!
Fry: I nominate That Guy. Not just because he has a suit but because he knows about business and stuff and he has a tie. My shares still count if they went through the washing machine, right?
Hermes: Well, if I know anything about which number is bigger than the other number, I'd say that-
Scruffy: Now hold on there. Scruffy votes his 40,000 shares for the mysterious stranger.
Leela: 40,000? How come you have four-times as much stock as the rest of us?
Scruffy: Scruffy believes in this company.
Hermes: Then we have a tie. And in the event of a tie, the Professor, as the current CEO remains-
Hattie: I demand the floor. I may only have one share but I get to vote same as anyone. And I'm voting against the cat-hater. Isn't that right, kitty? Hey! You ate my change!
Hermes: Then it's settled. The new chief executive officer of Planet Express corporation is That Guy.
Hermes: Please welcome our new chief executive officer, That Guy.
Steve Castle: Let's cut to the chase. There are two kinds of people Sheep and sharks. Anyone who's a sheep is fired. Who's a sheep?
Zoidberg: Uh, excuse me? Which is the one people like to hug?
Steve Castle: Gutsy question. You're a shark. Sharks are winners and they don't look back 'cause they don't have necks. Necks are for sheep. I am proud to be the shepherd of this herd of sharks and I am gonna lead you to the top in this industry of ... of-
Fry: Package delivery.
Steve Castle: Package delivery? Oh, God! Fantastic! Now, the first order of business is to blame everything on the guy before me. Professor?
Farnsworth: I'll ruin you like I ruined this company.
Steve Castle: Terrific. Question number one What was your overall business plan?
Farnsworth: Um, business plan, uh, yes. I keep it here, right next to my heart.
Steve Castle: This isn't a business plan, it's an escape plan.
Farnsworth: So long, suckers!
Steve Castle: Fry, as a fellow 80's dollar-jockey, I'm making you my new vice chairman.
Fry: I'm rollin' up the corporate ramp.
Zoidberg: It's the end of the line!
Hermes: We're ruined!
Scruffy: What fevered dream is this that bids to tear this company in twain?
Monster: Thank you, come again!
Steve Castle: That's what I call a hostile makeover! Hair gel?
Fry: No, thanks. I make my own.
Steve Castle: This company's gonna shoot straight to the top and stay there, like Cindy Lauper! I ask you Who is the number one delivery service on Earth?
Zoidberg: Is it Planet Express, master?
Steve Castle: Is this guy a shark, or what? Seriously though, we stink out loud. Here's the big enchirito. Mom's Friendly Delivery Company.
Hermes: We can't compete with Mom! Her company is big and evil. Ours is small and neutral.
Steve Castle: Switzerland is small and neutral. We're more like Germany; ambitious and misunderstood.
Amy: Look, everyone wants to be like Germany but do we really have the pure strength of will?
Steve Castle: I say we do! Now are we gonna let ourselves get beaten by an old lady?
Zoidberg: Yes, my liege!
Fry: No, we're not. And as vice chairman, I believe I speak for the entire board when I issue this challenge to Mom. Look at my butt!
Mom: You call that a pressed ham? Walt, hit the retaliate button.
Walt: Uh ... um ... hmm ... let's see.
Mom: Any button! They all retaliate!
Fry: Woo! Yeah! Hit him, hit him, hit him! Now this is the high life; watching apes mangle each other near celebrities.
Steve Castle: In my day we went to coke parties but the principle's the same.
Calculon: Get your stinkin' trike off me, you damn dirty ape.
Steve Castle: Listen, big guy, now that you're my protégé, it's time I cut you in on the secret to success. Any guesses?
Fry: Uh, work really, really hard?
Steve Castle: No.
Fry: Oh, thank God!
Steve Castle: It's all about appearances. That's why it's time to update our company's stodgy image and give it the sleek, dazzling veneer of the 1980's!
Fry: This company's on the fast track to the "It" list. Blast back kudos all around!
Leela: Uh, hello? We haven't made one delivery since you two took over.
Steve Castle: Delivery has nothing to do with the delivery business. Image, people, image! Scope out this new ad!
Mom: We are all one, with one mind, one purpose and one act. Our enemies shall be eaten by squirrels. We shall bow down and worship to ourselves. We shall prevail!
Man: Hey! We were watching that!
Leela: That was terrible! People won't even know what we do.
Bender: I don't even know what we do. Nah, just kidding! What are, like, a bus or something?
Leela: Did you approve that awful ad, Fry?
Fry: Yes I did, Leels. And I'll tell you why. Because it grows the brand.
Leela: Oh, Lord!
Zoidberg: This company's circling the drain, I tell you. I'd sell my stock right now for a sandwich!
Steve Castle: Sold!
Zoidberg: A complete sangwich? You got fleeced! I would have settled for a hard roll with ketchup inside!
Mom: What is this moose drip? The new delivery kings? I'm sick of hearing about those turtle squirts!
Igner: But they're kings, Mommy!
Mom: Jam a bastard in it, you crap!
Elzar: Enjoy our private dining room, folks. This is where we serve our richest, most successful chumps!
Fry: Tonight, that's us!
Steve Castle: What have you got that's really overpriced?
Elzar: Everything.
Steve Castle: Bring me that.
Fry: Make it two. And a glass of all your water.
Steve Castle: OK, let's work on your execu-speak. I'm worried about "blank".
Fry: Don't you worry about "blank". Let me worry about "blank".
Steve Castle: Good. I also would have accepted, "Blank? Blank? You're not looking at the big picture!"
Fry: What a pleasant surprise!
Mom: Shut up, booger blaster! It's time the three of us had a talk.
Steve Castle: I'll handle this, Fry. You get back to the farm, shift some paradigms, revolutionise outside the box.
Fry: I'm on it. But if you need me, you know where I'll be.
Fry: Call me a "booger blaster"! I'll blast a booger so hard that-
Leela: Fry, we're worried about Planet Express.
Fry: Don't you worry about Planet Express. Let me worry about "blank".
Hermes: That Guy is nothing but a flashy con man! And you've been hypnotised by his swinging baloney!
Leela: You've changed, Fry.
Fry: What? I haven't changed. Suz? Have I changed?
Suz: No, sir, Mr. Fry.
Fry: Thanks, doll.
Leela: I don't care what Ms. Johnson says. That Guy's turning this place into some kind of business.
Farnsworth: This isn't a business. I've always thought of it more as a source of cheap labour, like a family.
Fry: You're right, Professor. We might not be a traditional family like the Murphy's next door or the lesbian coven across the street. But we are a family and That Guy understands that.
Steve Castle: Everyone's fired and we're out of business.
Amy: Oh, no!
Hermes: How?
Steve Castle: I'm gonna sell Planet Express to Mom so she can gut the company and eliminate us as competitors.
Mom: Don't let the door hit you on the way out, 'cause I don't want ass prints on my new door!
Fry: Uh, Ms. Johnson? Please bring in some more chair fuel.
Fry: I had no idea the company would be sold. I was just an innocent suck-up. You've gotta believe me!
Leela: Just leave us alone and let us clear out our lockers.
Bender: Yeah!
Amy: It's so sad, where will I go? What will I do?
Lackey: You have Mrs. Darlinghaven's cotillion at 7, ma'am.
Amy: Oh. That'll be fun.
Fry: Ms. Johnson, you've never lied to me. Am I still a good person?
Suz: I don't know, sir. I'm a program built into the intercom.
Fry: I've got to redeem myself. Somehow, sometime, for some reason. I'll block this takeover!
Suz: Mr. Fry, your two o'clock magician is here.
Fry: Believe it or not, I have more important things to do today than laugh and clap my hands. Reschedule.
Broker-Bot #1: Sell 100 soylent beans!
Broker-Bot #2: Buy 3,000 cornbellies!
Broker-Bot #3: 200 canned whoop-ass!
Broker-Bot #1: Three big bags of trash!
Jor-El: Attention, please. The takeover of PlanEx Corp. by Mom's Delivery Company will take place in the business centre in 10 minutes. I am Jor-El, master of scheduling!
Steve Castle: OK. We've got the hot tub hot, the wine cooler's cool. It's Hammer time!
Bender: You suck!
Mom: According to regulations, both companies must approve the takeover. Planet Express shareholders, cast your votes.
Hermes: Great Bonda of Uganda! We can vote against it!
Bender: I'll vote it down like a raise for school teachers!
Bender: What the-?
Hattie: How the-?
Amy: Oh, no!
Steve Castle: I neglected to mention that the shares I bought from Dr. Zoidberg gave me majority control.
Leela: Zoidberg owned 51% of the company?
Hermes: The shares were worthless and he kept asking for toilet paper.
Mom: And now if Momcorp shareholders will cast their ballots.
Igner: Um ... uh... Uh, the ballot was confusing.
Mom: How about a hand recount?
Igner: OK. Ow!
Mom: The takeover of Planet Express is approved.
Amy: This stinks!
Lackey: Madam is outraged.
Steve Castle: Security, I want that bunch of rowdies outta here.
Bender: Hold on a minute!
Scruffy: Hey! Hey!
Mom: Momcorp will now purchase all outstanding shares of Planet Express at the current market price, which is
Jor-El: 107.
Bender: Ow! And also it hurt my feelings!
Horrible Gelatinous Stockbroker: What are you solids griping about? Your shares are worth $107 apiece.
Leela: They are? Oh, my God! I'm a millionaire! Suddenly I have an opinion about that capital gains tax!
Bender: Yeah! Alright!
Amy: I'm even richer!
Zoidberg: Oh! I have no shares! Wait! My sangwich! Has it also appreciated in value? Please, oh, please!
Hermes: You didn't even refrigerate it, you spineless lobster!
Zoidberg: You had to drag spines into this!
Fry: As vice chairman of Planet Express, I'd like to say a few words. There comes a time for every man who becomes rich and deserts his friends, when he goes back how it was. For me, that time is now.
Fry: So I ask you, as a friend, won't you stop this deal?
Steve Castle: Fry, I'm an 80's guy. Friendship to me means that for two bucks I'd beat you with a pool cue till you got detached retinas. The deal will go ahead as- My bones!
Fry: Oh, my God! His boneitis!
Steve Castle: I was so busy being an 80's guy, I forgot to cure it. My only regret is ... that I have ... boneitis!
Fry: He's dead.
Mom: Pry out his fillings, feed him to the jackals and let's get on with the sale.
Fry: I don't think so. 'Cause, as vice chairman of the company, I gain voting control of his shares.
Mom: Don't be a fool, you idiot!
Fry: I'll be whatever I wanna do! That Guy was the greatest businessman that ever lived. And before his mysterious death, he taught me everything he knew. But some things I had to learn myself. I learned that money is fine but in the end what counts is people ... ... people you love. You can't put a price on that. So I'm giving up control of the company ... ... to a man of enormous experience ... ... Professor ... ... Hubert Farnsworth.
Farnsworth: Oh, uh, what? I'm awake, I'm awake!
Bender: Fry! Stop doing the right thing, you jerk!
Leela: Let Mom buy the company! We all wanna be filthy, stinking rich!
Zoidberg: Trust me, two out of three doesn't cut it!
Fry: You mean you'd rather be rich than work together?
Leela: Hell, yeah!
Fry: In my whole life, this company was the only place I'd ever really felt at home. If being millionaires is more important to you than our-
Bender: It is!
Fry: Friendship, then I'll sell Planet Express, for you.
Hattie: "Millionaires" nothing! The stock's only worth three kajiggers!
Bender: Oh, come on!
Hermes: My Jah! It's worth less now than when it was worthless!
Fry: It is? Yahoo! We're poor no matter what I do! The deal is off!
Zoidberg: Aha! Once again the conservative sangwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor! Oh! I'm ruined. Why? Why?
Fry: Look, so we're not millionaires. At least we all still get to work together.
Bender: Shut your fat mouth!
Fry: See you guys Monday!


Morbo: Welcome back. Our next guest has been teaching the world to cook for over 20 years. But apparently my, uh, wife hasn't been listening.
Linda: Oh, funny!
Morbo: I will destroy her! And now, extend a formulaic greeting to master chef Elzar. So, uh, Elzar, what will you be cooking for Morbo to devour with his mighty jaws?
Elzar: Morbo, I'm gonna whip you up a nice, unnameable horror from beyond, with mango chutney.
Morbo: Pathetic humans, prepare to write down the recipe!
Fry: Hey, uh, what's with all the pots and pans? You building a wife?
Bender: Part of one. Meantime, I'm cooking up a tasty Sunday brunch for my best friends.
Fry: Brunch. Right. I'd better warn- tell- warntell the others!
Bender: Okey-dokey!
Hermes: Ooh!
Leela: Nice!
Farnsworth: Yes, it's a perfect scale model of the universe's largest bottle. I put a tiny spaceship inside to keep it from being boring.
Zoidberg: Oh!
Farnsworth: Get-! For the last time, Zoidberg, look with your eyes, not with your claws.
Fry: Brace yourselves. Bender is making us brunch.
Zoidberg: Oh, boy!
Farnsworth: Oh, God! My tract!
Fry: He's so proud of his awful cooking. If we don't eat it he'll be crushed.
Leela: Alright, don't panic. If we can get to the ship, we can fly north and hide under the polar icecaps for a few weeks.
Fry: Hurry!
Farnsworth: Good idea!
Zoidberg: What's the hold-up?
Bender: Fleeing somewhere?
Fry: With you blocking the only escape route? Don't be silly.
Bender: In that case brunch is served! Let's go! Move it out! Stop crying, Leela!
Farnsworth: Zoidberg, are you coming?
Zoidberg: Sure. Me.
Farnsworth: Because I don't want you touching that thing.
Zoidberg: I know that. Surrender your mysteries to Zoidberg! Oh, no! Professor will hit me. But if Zoidberg fixes it, then perhaps gifts! Ow! What? Oh!
Bender: Today, I've personalised each of your meals. For example, Amy, you're cute, so I baked you a pony. Come on! Eat! I slaved all day over a filthy stove.
Hermes: This is terrible!
Farnsworth: Good thing I secretly installed this wormhole in the table.
Amy: Where does the other end come out?
Farnsworth: You know, I'm not quite sure. Oh, dear me!
Bender: The pie is ready. You guys like swarms of things, right?
Zoidberg: Casual hello. It's me, Zoidberg. Act naturally. Ow! Ouch! Get off of me! Stop!
Leela: How interesting, Dr. Zoidberg. Do go on.
Bender: Hey, check out the palm tree! It only gets sick when I cook brunch! How's that for a coincidence, Professor? With all your precious science!
Fry: Man, I don't wanna hurt Bender's feelings...
Fry: But this food actually tastes better as vomit!
Leela: It's unbearable! How much do you think it would cost to get my tongue removed?
Bender: And this time I mean it.
Bender: Aw, who am I kidding? It was stupid of me to ever dream of becoming a chef. I don't have what it takes and nothing can change that. Then it's settled! Elzar will teach me to cook!
Elzar: Absolutely not.
Bender: But I watch your show. You owe me!
Elzar: I owe you nothing! For starter's, your antenna's in my crotch. Also, I hate you. Finally, you can't cook for squat.
Bender: What was the first one again?
Elzar: I hate you.
Bender: I thought that was number two.
Elzar: I knocked it up a notch. Bam!
Zoidberg: Aw, I'll never recombobulate this ship! When the Professor finds out, he'll tear me a new cloaca. Wait! What would the robot do? Frame someone!
Fry: What up?
Fry: I'm walking on sunshine! Sunshine!
Bender: It's over! My dream of being a chef is deader than the cat I'm sitting on!
Dandy Jim: Gus, old chum, let's give a friendly welcome to this new robo.
Bender: What did you call me?
Gus: A robo. You know? A robot-hobo.
Bender: Oh, OK. I thought you said "romo".
Dandy Jim: No offence intended, my filthy friend. In fact, why not join us and ride the space rails?
Gus: Get ready. We's gonna jump off at that switching prism up ahead.
Dandy Jim: We're going nearly the speed of light so, uh, roll when you land.
Bender: Ow.
Gus: Welcome to Bumbase Alpha, the biggest hobo jungle in the quadrant.
Bender: I've seen bigger. Oh, wait, I'm thinking of Eugene, Oregon. Wait. A pie with hobo-lifting aroma? Who baked it?
Gus: Helmut Spargle. He used to be the greatest chef ever.
Dandy Jim: His restaurant was so high-toned, the only way to get reservations was to create a parallel universe where you already had reservations.
Gus: Yep. I once ate there back when I what was a senator.
Bender: Yo, Spargle. If you're such a great cook, how'd you end up in this dump?
Spargle: Ages ago I was the host of a TV show...
Spargle: Down Home Country Kitchen Mit Helmut Spargle. But one day the extreme soda company that sponsored the show decided it was too old-fashioned.
Man: Spargle, you're fired! We need a chef who can attract today's younger more extreme cooking show viewer.
Spargle: Elzar!
Elzar: Get lost, old man! Bam!
Spargle: Mein soufflé!
Spargle: Elzar had been seduced by the dark side of cooking. Cilantro, mango salsa, raspberry vinaigrette!
Bender: That twizzler!
Spargle: As for me, I went temporarily insane and vound up here, making pies out of shoes.
Bender: My story's a lot like yours only more interesting 'cause it involves robots. That jerk Elzar ruined my dream of being a chef too.
Spargle: Interesting. You wish to become a cook, but as a robot you have no sense of taste.
Bender: It's so unfair! I have eight other senses, but I'd trade them all, even smission, to be able to taste.
Spargle: You don't understand. Without the distraction of taste, your mind is free to touch the Zen of pure flavour. You could become the greatest chef ever.
Bender: I could?
Spargle: Yes. Just as Beethoven was a great composer because he was deaf.
Bender: Or like how Rembrandt was blind and had wooden hands.
Spargle: Bender, hear me well. I shall train you. But first, you must forget everything you know about cooking.
Bender: Done.
Farnsworth: That's right, Ricardo. A ship in a bottle! What's that? Well hang on, I'll look.
Ricardo: Ola? Professor? Qué pasa?
Farnsworth: I've gathered you all here in the accusing parlour because one of you is a miniature ship wrecker.
Zoidberg: I'm acting astonished.
Farnsworth: Certain clues suggest that the culprit is none other than our own ... Philip J. Fry!
Fry: What?
Farnsworth: Oh, it was a brilliant scheme. But you made one fatal mistake ... leaving this confession note.
Zoidberg: Fry, you scoundrel!
Fry: Well, I don't remember any of that but I don't have the wherewithal to defend myself.
Farnsworth: Then I have no choice but to charge you the full cost of the materials $10.
Fry: There you go.
Zoidberg: What have I done?
Spargle: Your training is complete, little dessert spoon. Now, just as the man who wishes to be world chess champion must win at least one game of chess, so must you serve at least one edible meal. Succeed and I shall reveal to you the age-old secret of perfect flavour.
Gus: Ooh, yeah!
Bender: Slop's on!
Gus: Fine lookin' eats!
Spargle: It is ... acceptable.
Bender: Yahoo! Another thing I'm great at! Wait. Why'd you stop eating, master?
Spargle: Because ... my stomach is about to explode.
Bender: What? My dinner killed you? Oh, man!
Spargle: Oh, it hurts. But don't lose confidence. The important thing is that you defeat Elzar after I am gone. And using this, you cannot fail.
Bender: A diamond vial of Mrs. Dash?
Spargle: No. It is the essence of pure flavour. A few drops will cause the inner perfection of any dish to blossom forth. Oh! There goes my ... life.
Bender: I'll avenge you, master. I swear, in the presence of these drunken bums, that I shall defeat Elzar!
Gus: Oh, I'm not drunk, I'm mentally ill. But I likes what what you said!
Bender: Elzar, I'm a walking pile of your unfinished business!
Elzar: Why, you-
Bender: Helmut Spargle has a message for you. He says "Ooh, I'm dead!"
Elzar: Spargle, huh? What he do, bland himself to death?
Bender: No. He was eating some food I made and by a crazy coincidence his stomach exploded. Now I'm here to avenge him.
Elzar: OK, but it seems like you're the one who killed him.
Bender: Maybe so but you are his sworn enemy. I challenge you to a battle of the chefs.
Customer: Scandalous!
Elzar: Very well. We'll meet on the ancient televised battleground of Kitchen Coliseum. Whosever meal is best will claim the title of Iron Cook.
Bender: Iron Cook, eh? I can't lose. I'm 30% iron! You're going down! Uh, also I had a reservation for one, under "Dr. Bender".
Hiroki: Please welcome the superintendent of Kitchen Coliseum, Chairman Koji! No robot chef has ever competed here but today one has barged his way in to challenge for the title of...
Koji: Iron Cookuru!
Fry: Yeah! You show 'em!
Hiroki: Let's meet today's celebrity judges Captain of the Harlem Globetrotters, Ethan Bubblegum Tate.
Tate: Konnichiwa, brother!
Hiroki: TV anchor-monster, Morbo.
Morbo: Greetings, pathetic host.
Hiroki: And a woman who ended a thousand-year galactic war with her apple dandies, Martha Stewart's head.
Stewart: The secret is fresh pork.
Hiroki: And now, Chairman Koji will present the theme ingredient to be used in every dish today.
Bender: If it's chicken, chicken c la king; if it's fish, fish à la king; if it's turkey, fish à la king.
Koji: Soylent Greuu!
Hiroki: Soylent Green, a classic ingredient of gourmet cooking. And the battle is on. Aki, what's Elzar making?
Aki: Well, Hiroki-san, when I asked him, he asked what business it was of mine and conjectured that my mother was a prostitute.
Stewart: In the English countryside many prostitutes decorate their rooms with festive gourds.
Female Announcer: 30 minutes to go.
Hiroki: Look at Bender roll that dough!
Tate: I've never seen such confident, powerful strokes of the ass!
Stewart: You've never seen mine!
Tate: No, I haven't!
Female Announcer: Fifteen minutes remaining.
Hiroki: The iron cook is bringing in his signature creation, a working pastry replica of downtown Venice.
Man: Commemorative turkey basters. Get your commemorative turkey basters.
Fry: Yo, hook me up. My turkey is dry and I've tried everything. Oh, right. Never mind.
Zoidberg: Oh, the guilt! The unbearable guilt!
Female Announcer: Fifteen seconds.
Elzar: Bam!
Female Announcer: Ten seconds.
Bender: Master Spargle, if you can hear me up there in that ditch where I left you, this is for you.
Koji: Time uperuu!
Hiroki: The iron cook Neptunian has gone all out to please the judges. He's even garnished the salad with $100 bills. Let's see what they think.
Tate: Mmm. Soylent green is my kind of people!
Morbo: Scrumptious. Morbo will store this in his sack for future digestion.
Stewart: I'm swimming in my own soylent waste. It's a good thing.
Hiroki: Next up, challenger Bender. A student of the legendary Helmut Spargle, Bender is some sort of wonderful mechanical man.
Stewart: Ooh, delicious!
Tate: This food looks kind of funky, but it tastes kind of fun-kay!
Morbo: The challenger's ugly food has shown us that even hideous things can be sweet on the inside.
Hiroki: And now, judgement. The winner will become the new iron cook, the loser is doomed to scrub. Whose confection will achieve perfection? Whose foodstuff will be the good stuff?
Koji: Challengeruu Benderuu!
Fry: Yay!
Farnsworth: That's my robot! I own him!
Bender: You honour me, Chairman Koji.
Koji: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.
Bender: Chairman-san, I came here with one goal To humiliate Elzar in a large stadium. I believe I've done that.
Elzar: No question.
Bender: But the true Zen of flavour is not found in a coliseum. It is found in a small kitchen, with friends. That is why I decline the title of Iron Cook and accept only the lesser title of "Zinc Saucier", which I just made up. Also, it comes with double prize money.
Zoidberg: Wait! Everyone must know I broke the Professor's bottled ship. And what is worse, I framed my dearest friend, Fry! I can never repay him his ten dollars, so I must take the only honourable path. What the killing myself. Here I go, already. Huh?
Koji: Oh! That sword cost 5000 dolluu!
Zoidberg: Fry did it!
Bender: And that's how I defeated Elzar, thanks to Spargle's magic liquid.
Leela: Yes, we were there. And we just finished watching it again on TV.
Farnsworth: Hmm. Let me see that vial, Bender. Good Lord! According to the spectrolizer, Spargle's magic ingredient was ... water. Ordinary water!
Hermes: No!
Fry: Ah, so the real gift Spargle gave you was confidence. The confidence to be your best.
Farnsworth: Yes, ordinary water. Laced with nothing more than a few spoonfuls of LSD.
Bender: The important thing is, by my standards, I won fair and square. Now, who wants brunch? Cooked with plenty of ... "confidence"?
Leela: I'm in!
Farnsworth: I do!