Hermes: Exciting news, people! The pet licence I requisitioned for Nibbler has arrived.
Leela: Hermes, that's sweet. I didn't know you cared about Nibbler.
Hermes: Dream on, woman. I'd like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river and hurl the river into space. But I do like filling out requisitions and these were some doozies! Great Jah's dreadlocks! There's been a mix-up. This isn't a pet licence, it's a fishing licence. And it's mandatory!
Farnsworth: Ah! The exact centre of the Atlantic Ocean. This seems the logical place for fish to congregate.
Bender: So we're in international waters?
Farnsworth: Indeed so.
Bender: Falcon, this is Blue Raven, the goose has nested. Repeat, the goose has nested. Hey, guess what you're accessories to?
Leela: The sun, the sea air, good friends.
Bender: Leela's right, fishing blows. Whattya say we make it interesting?
Hermes: Why not?
Amy: Yeah.
Farnsworth: Yeah, cool.
Bender: Everybody kick in five bucks. There, wasn't that interesting?
Leela: Bender!
Fry: This contest is as good as over. I once caught a fish this big.
Bender: Oh, yeah? I once caught a fish this big!
Leela: I'm afraid you're both out of your league, boys, 'cause you're looking at a woman who owns her own harpoon.
Bender: Harpoon, my ass!
Leela: OK.
Hermes: Let's see now, which bait to use? Crickets? Squid? Chicken necks?
Zoidberg: Excuse me, if I might be so bold, I'm willing to offer my services as a bait critic. These sardines for example are bland and tasteless. And these dry, stringy night crawlers, though juicy ... ... very, very juicy-
Hermes: I don't believe this! It's eating my bait! Beat it, you mooching crawdad!
Bender: Hey, Fry, check out my laser-guided fishing rod.
Fry: Quiet, Bender, you're scaring away the fish.
Bender: Fine. I'll head over to the other side. Good luck fishing on this side!
Fry: I can hit a fish between the eyes from 20 yards!
Bender: Oh, yeah? I can hit a shrimp!
Fry: A shrimp? I find it a bit hard to believe that-
Leela: Aha! Gather round, chumps! I got the winner!
Amy: Oh, so this is where you shop for your boots?
Bender: Couple more of those and you'll have yourself a fish stick!
Fry: Hey, a fish this fine belongs in a fish nugget-style chunklet. And anyway, it's bigger than anything you've caught. Ow! My small intestine!
Leela: Bingo! Whatever it is, it's 20 times heavier than a boot.
Farnsworth: You'll never catch anything with that primitive technology. What you need is this fish pheromone. The most potent aphrodisiac known to fishkind. Uh-oh!
Zoidberg: I'm so into you!
Farnsworth: Oh, my!
Fry: Hey, Bender, I just caught a fish this big!
Bender: Quit exaggerating, Fry. Ah, screw this! If I'm not gonna catch a fish, I might as well not catch a big fish. There. Like most of life's problems this one can be solved with bending.
Farnsworth: Bender, be careful. That's the ship's diamond filament tether. It's unbreakable.
Bender: Then why do I have to be careful?
Farnsworth: It belonged to my grandmother.
Hermes: My Manwich!
Leela: Wake up, everyone! I've got something. And this time it's alive! Dr. Zoidberg, since when do you even wear boots?
Zoidberg: I wasn't wearing it. I was eating it.
Leela: Come on, let's go home.
Amy: Sunburn! My fabulous body! It's ruined! What happened to my parasol?
Bender: I don't know. It wasn't here when I took your umbrella. What? I put sunblock on you.
Amy: Well it didn't work!
Leela: Come on, Bender. Pull in your line and let's go.
Bender: Hey, I'm snagged.
Farnsworth: It's not snagged, the mechano man has caught something! Sweet Zombie Jesus! It's huge!
Amy: It's coming up!
Hermes: Oh, that's big!
Farnsworth: A colossal-mouth bass!
Fry: It's diving!
Leela: It's pulling us under! Everyone into the ship!
Zoidberg: Wait! I'll save us! By cutting the unbreakable diamond filament! Well, at least I'll die with my friends. Hello?
Hermes: My Speedos!
Leela: Depth at 45 hundred feet, 48 hundred, 50 hundred! 5000 feet!
Farnsworth: Dear Lord, that's over 150 atmospheres of pressure.
Fry: How many atmospheres can this ship withstand?
Farnsworth: Well it's a spaceship, so I'd say anywhere between zero and one.
Bender: What's that? Is someone bending girders?
Leela: We'll be crushed if we don't equalise the pressure.
Fry: How do we do that?
Farnsworth: That should do it.
Amy: We're all gonna die!
Fry: Wait, I'll be back in a minute.
Leela: You did it, Fry!
Fry: Did what?
Bender: People, it's far, far worse than we thought; my fish got away.
Leela: There. Good as new! Except we're three miles below the surface, we don't have any food and the ship won't work underwater.
Bender: Tempers are wearing thin. Let's just hope some robot doesn't kill everybody.
Hermes: The important thing is that we don't panic. There are rules for situations like this. Now, the first order of business is lunch. I suggest a nice lobster Zoidberg- I mean lobster Newburg- I mean Doctor Zoidberg.
Leela: OK, everyone, calm down. The Professor and I will get to work on the ship. Bender, Zoidberg, since you can survive underwater, you'll go out and look for food.
Fry: I'd better go too. They don't know what I like.
Hermes: Fry, no! The pressure will crush you like a green snake under a sugar cane truck.
Farnsworth: Not necessarily. This is chance for Fry to test out my experimental anti-pressure pill.
Fry: I can't swallow that.
Farnsworth: Well then good news! It's a suppository.
Zoidberg: How are you doing there, Fry? Glad to hear it. Aha!
Bender: Aw, yeah!
Zoidberg: Yum, yum, yum! Uh-oh! Look at me, I'm Dr. Zoidberg, homeowner!
Zoidberg: Careful, Fry, I think that flag might be poisonous.
Bender: Ahoy, mateys! I shanghaied us some hearty grog. Arr! The laws o' science be a harsh mistress!
Zoidberg: Say, robot, old buddy? Could you help me move a couch?
Bender: Uh, OK, but I'm not carrying it upstairs.
Zoidberg: What is it, Fry?
Fry: I think I saw a mermaid.
Bender: You want some lemonade? You saw a big parade?
Zoidberg: Your student loans have been repaid? Then how 'bout lending your old pal Zoidberg a few bucks, Mr. Millionaire!
Leela: Fry, swallow your food. Then talk.
Fry: A mermaid!
Amy: You think you saw a mermaid?
Fry: No, I did see a mermaid! She was wearing a tube top and she had a beautiful scaly tail. And I think she had hair extensions.
Bender: Yeah, right!
Leela: Sure she did.
Hermes: OK, Fry!
Farnsworth: You're simply hallucinating, you ... moron.
Fry: What's so far-fetched about mermaids? I mean, there's all sorts of weird sea creatures here in the future. Like Dr. Zoidberg.
Leela: I'm afraid Fry is suffering from ocean madness.
Fry: Every time something good happens to me you say it's some kind of madness, or I'm drunk, or I ate too much candy. Well I saw a real mermaid and I wish for once my friends would have decency and kindness to believe me.
Leela: Ocean madness.
Farnsworth: He may have ocean madness but that's no excuse for ocean rudeness.
Fry: Ocean madness. Yeah, right. It's always something, ain't it? It's her! Bender, wake up! She's here! Wake up! Oh! oxygen!
Mermaid: Here you go, darlin'.
Fry: Hey! I can breath and talk, just like a fish!
Mermaid: Oh, you speak fish?
Fry: What?
Mermaid: I'm sorry, my accent's atrocious. Hi, my name's Umbriel!
Fry: I'm Fry. So, uh, am I gonna drown?
Umbriel: Course not. Just stay calm and let the currents relax your every muscle.
Fry: Aw, yeah!
Umbriel: Did it just get warmer?
Fry: I can't believe you're really real. I like your tail.
Umbriel: Oh, you're sweet. I like those wiggly doo-dads comin' outta your hips.
Fry: Oh, thanks. They're called pants.
Umbriel: This here's a volcanic vent. The water comes out at over 4000 degrees.
Fry: No kidding.
Umbriel: Did it just get colder? Tell me more about that bizarre land-y world you come from. Is there water there too?
Fry: Sure. Sometimes it falls from the sky.
Umbriel: Hm.
Fry: And sometimes it doesn't.
Umbriel: Oh, Mr. Fry! You do go on!
Fry: You know what I like best about you, Umbriel? You find me fascinating even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief or a lion tamer.
Umbriel: Lions? There are sealions on the land?
Fry: Yup. We call them land-sealions ... I tame them!
Farnsworth: I'm almost finish reconfiguring the ships propulsion system. We can leave as soon as the paper-mâché is dry.
Leela: Where's Fry?
Bender: I didn't kill him. Professor?
Farnsworth: No, I've been busy.
Hermes: He must've gone out looking for that mermaid. The poor, demented honky.
Leela: It's ocean madness alright. Sailors call it aqua dementia, the deep-down crazies, the wet willies, the screaming moist!
Farnsworth: We'll form a search party. Now, we'll need oxygen.
Bender: I got it covered. In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation device.
Farnsworth: Ooh, that reminds me You've all taken your pressure pills, right?
Amy: Yes! Stop asking!
Zoidberg: I've got his scent! Over here where the water gets warmer. This way!
Bender: Bend me!
Amy: Dude! An ancient sunken city!
Farnsworth: Could it possibly be? Are the old legends true? It is! It's the fabled lost city of Atlanta!
Merman: Howdy, y'all!
Colonel: Welcome to Atlanta. Folks round these parts call me the Colonel. Here, have some breathers, courtesy of our Chamber of Commerce.
Farnsworth: This is uncomfortable and humiliating. Now, if they could put it in the form of a suppository.
Colonel: Y'all enjoy your stay! Tourism's our main source of income round here so see the sights, spend some money. Please don't leave!
Bender: Fry! Oh, I just knew you were still alive! I owe you 10 bucks, Hermes!
Fry: Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing happened. It's two-for-one Tuesday at Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids.
Colonel: Nice out of town folks, I'd like you to meet my daughter, Umbriel. Umbriel, these are some Yankees.
Amy: So, Fry, Atlanta was an American city in your time?
Fry: I think it was just an airport. They had a place where you could buy nuts.
Umbriel: No! Ancient Atlanta was more than just a Delta hub. It was a vibrant metropolis, the equal of Paris or New York.
Fry: That's right, honey! Whatever you say.
Umbriel: Look at these fabulous ruins. Turner Field, the Coca-Cola bottling plant, the, uh, the airport.
Leela: But tell us, how could a city with such a ... fabulous airport end up underwater?
Colonel: Ah, now that's a story that can only rightly be told in a Chamber of Commerce video narrated by folk-rock troubadour Donovan.
Donovan: Atlanta was a city, landlocked, Hundreds of miles from the area we now call the Atlantic Ocean, Yet so desperate the city's desire for tourism, That they moved offshore, becoming an island, And an even bigger Delta hub,
Donovan: until the city overdeveloped And it started to sink. Knowing their fate, the quality people ran away, Ted Turner, Hank Aaron, Jeff Foxworthy, The Guy Who Invented Coca-Cola, the Magician, And the other so-called gods of our legends, Though gods they were- And also, Jane Fonda was there.
Donovan: The others chose to remain behind On their porches with their rifles, And one day evolve into mermaids, And sing and dance, And ring in the new.
Mermaids: Hail Atlanta!
Leela: The magician?
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wouldn't it take millions of years to evolve into mermaids?
Umbriel: Normally, yes, but the caffeine really sped things up. That stuff's wonderful.
Colonel: So when Umbriel first brought home this carpet bagger, I was again' it. But, damnit, if Old Legs here ain't grown on me!
Fry: Aw, shucks, Colonel.
Hermes: Well, it's all very nice here but we should be going. I miss me wife and me oxygen.
Farnsworth: Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gases. Come on, Fry.
Fry: Wait. I'm not going with you.
Leela: But, Fry, what about us? What about your life on the surface? You don't belong down here.
Zoidberg: She's right, I mean, sure, they got the Braves but it's a third-rate symphony.
Farnsworth: Fry, you half-mad, half-insane maniac, be reasonable. Don't you realise that if you stay at this depth your body will permanently adapt to the pressure?
Fry: Realise it? I don't even understand it!
Farnsworth: It means you'll never be able to return to the surface.
Fry: I don't care. I'm staying. I've got everything I want right here.
Farnsworth: I'm bored! Let's go!
Zoidberg: You know, Fry, I've got a little place just outside town. You could come visit, maybe?
Fry: Sorry, Zoidberg. I'm trying to join the country club.
Bender: Oh, Fry! I'll miss you!
Colonel: Y'all come back now, y'hear?
Farnsworth: Let's go, damnit! Let's go!
Zoidberg: Well, I guess this is goodbye for me as well.
Leela: Whatever.
Amy: Later.
Farnsworth: Bye.
Zoidberg: No! My home! It burned down! How did this happen?
Hermes: That's a very good question.
Bender: So that's where I left my cigar.
Hermes: That just raises further questions!
Fry: You know, Umbriel, these last 24 hours have been the happiest days of my life.
Umbriel: Oh, Fry! I want you to make a mer-woman outta mer-me.
Fry: Mercy! I do believe I'm gettin' the vapours!
Umbriel: What the hell is that?
Fry: Yeah I'm a little confused too. How do I ... y'know ... with the tail and all?
Umbriel: I'm not your first am I? I mean, I-I lay my eggs and leave and you release your fertiliser.
Fry: Why couldn't she be the other type of mermaid, with the fish part on top and the lady part on the bottom?
Umbriel: Now who's gonna escort me to the Debutante Ball?
Colonel: Well what about that rich, young dugong from Macon?
Farnsworth: There! The engine modifications are complete.
Leela: Prepare for launch.
Fry: Wait! Wait for me! Don't leave me here!
Poopenmeyer: And so, in honour of his record-breaking catch, I'm proud to award Bender this cheque for $1000.
Leela: It's you!
Bender: Hey, buddy!
Hermes: My Manwich!
Leela: Fry, are you alright? What happened?
Amy: What about Umbriel?
Fry: Well, it turns out I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her.
Amy: Trouble in bed.
Bender: Ah, it's great to have you back, buddy.
Poopenmeyer: Wait a- This is no record! Gimme back that cheque! I'm giving it to some giant orphans.
Fry: Ow! Bender, you're hurting me. Ow!
Zoidberg: Hey! I'm trying to sleep in here!
Donovan: Hail Atlanta!


Bender: Wow! I'm finally gonna see my favourite chef, TV's Elzar. Oh this is the greatest nanosecond of my life. No, this one is- No, this one. Wait ... that one was slightly worse. Ah, so far, so good on this one.
Announcer: And now, here he is Chef, restaurateur, author of Cooking Slugs For Dinner and Cooking Dinner For Slugs ... Elzar!
Bender: Yeah! Alright! Yeah, yeah, baby!
Man: Elzar! Alright!
Bender: Elzar, you're my God. Please sign this sketch I drew of you. Oh, Elzar! Bless you!
Elzar: Now this is why I prefer your non-stick robots.
Bender: Oh. Alright, yeah! Alright, yeah!
Elzar: Hey, I hope you folks like Cajun food. 'Cause today we're making Elzar's down-home Neptune-style gumbo. Now, step one. You wanna boil some oysters in a pot of down-home Neptune-style gumbo.
Bender: Boiled? Interesting.
Leela: Bender, please try to be a little quieter.
Bender: No, you shut up.
Elzar: Of course, every now and then you'll wanna knock it up a notch with a blast from your spice weasel. Bam!
Bender: Oh, yeah! Bam it again, Elzar! Knock it up another notch!
Elzar: Jeez, who let this guy through the metal detector?
Bender: Come on, you wimp! Work that weasel! Quit holding out on us.
Elzar: If you promise to stop interrupting, alright. Against my will, I'm gonna knock it up another notch.
Bender: I gotta get this notch-up-knocking on film. Hey, Elzar, think fast.
Elzar: What, huh?
Leela: Ow! My eye! I'm blind!
Bender: Bam!
Hattie: Tell me, doctor, how's my cyst?
Taco Bellevue Doctor: Grande.
Zoidberg: I don't like the looks of this doctor. I bet I've lost more patients than he's even treated.
Doctor #2: OK. What does this look like to you?
Leela: Um ... a grey-ish blob?
Doctor #2: Right. And this one?
Leela: Um ... a grey-ish blob?
Doctor #2: Not as right that time. It looks like you might have some mild corneal irritation.
Zoidberg: Nice try, little boy. You may have your textbook knowledge and your real diploma but I have more skill in my little claw than you have in your whole carapace!
Doctor #2: You seem a bit tense. Here, try these.
Zoidberg: Sure, butter me up with candy. But it won't work, sonny! Why always the fighting?
Doctor #2: Your eye just needs some rest. You'll have to wear this patch for about a week.
Leela: A week? What do you think, Dr. Zoidberg?
Zoidberg: Clack.
Zoidberg: Thanks for the help, Leela.
Amy: Leela, we're right here.
Leela: I'm not deaf. I just have to wear this stupid eye patch. Does it look stupid?
Fry: No! In fact, it looks so nice I think I might get one too.
Bender: It's Elzar again! Oh, my God, I'm so excited, I wish I could wet my pants!
Elzar: Leela, please, let me make this up to you. You and your friends are all invited to my restaurant tonight. I'm gonna bam you up a dinner you'll never forget.
Amy: Alright!
Fry: Yeah!
Bender: Hooray for blind-y!
Zoidberg: Oh, God! I'm coming down!
Elzar: Folks, tell the neighbours to watch your mouth 'cause your taste buds are going on vacation. I made you each your own special meal, so dig in!
Hermes: It's the biggest Jamaican platter I've ever seen. Jerk chicken, jerk beef, jerk pork. Is there any meat this man can't jerk?
Zoidberg: The king crab is to die for. Look! A tiny edible crown.
Amy: What's it made of?
Zoidberg: Wood!
Bender: Oh, Fry, you gotta try this sterno-nicoise!
Fry: No, thanks. That's robot food.
Bender: It's so good. Oh, just try a little!
Fry: No, really, I don't- Mmm!
Amy: Are you doing alright over there, Leela?
Leela: Oh, yeah, this salad's fantastic. So fresh.
Farnsworth: Oh, my. That steamed carrot was a bit spicy for me.
Elzar: Everybody enjoy their dinner?
Leela: Are you kidding me?
Amy: Uh-huh.
Bender: God, yes, Elzar.
Elzar: Well, I enjoyed cooking for you. And to make everything completely square, I want you to have these complimentary after-dinner chocolates.
Hermes: What's this under the chocolates?
Elzar: Yeah, you take care of that whenever you want.
Hermes: Hey.
Amy: A bill?
Leela: You're charging us? After you blinded me?
Elzar: Hey, I made you a nice meal. This ain't a charity.
Fry: $1200?
Farnsworth: Holy Zombie Jesus!
Hermes: We don't have that kind of money. Especially not Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: They took away my credit card.
Elzar: OK, OK, wait. I know how to take care of this, no problem.
Url: You deadbeats are under arrest. It's a stone cold shame.
Smitty: He's making a break for it. Get him!
Fry: No! No! I was just picking my nose.
Smitty: He's picking his nose. Get him!
Smitty: The old dine-and-dash, huh? My daddy owned a restaurant and it's punks like you who kept it from going regional. That's why I became a cop.
Url: Now it's payback time. Aw, yeah!
Zoidberg: Please don't hit me. I'm brittle!
Bender: Hey, wait a second. I've got the perfect solution.
Zoidberg: Listen to the smart robot.
Bender: I love cooking and Elzar's ass loves getting kissed, right?
Elzar: No question.
Bender: So, how 'bout I work part-time at the restaurant to pay off our debt?
Elzar: I don't know. I usually hire people who are a little less unbearable.
Hermes: Oh, Bender's a model employee.
Amy: He's so polite.
Leela: And hard-working.
Fry: He's made of candy.
Elzar: OK, fine, I'll give it a shot.
Fry: Alright!
Hermes: Yes!
Bender: Hot diggety!
Smitty: You'd better keep your nose clean.
Bender: That'll be easy. I never wear the damn thing.
Hermes: Ah! Time for my precious 10am meeting. Where in Legoland is Leela?
Leela: I'm here and I'm getting along just fine, thank you. My walk to work today just took a little longer than usual. Nibbler took me through the zoo for some reason.
Amy: Leela, a little help is nothing to be embarrassed about. Like, maybe I could do your makeup.
Leela: I don't need help. For your information I did this all by myself.
Farnsworth: You look beautiful. Incidentally, my favourite artist is Picasso.
Bender: Well, I'm off to work at the restaurant. One of you will have to fill in for me while I'm gone.
Farnsworth: Better yet, I'll build someone to fill in for you. Some kind of gamma-powered mechanical monster, with freeway on-ramps for arms and a heart as black as coal...
Bender: Well, if that new guy can't handle things, gimme a call.
Bender: I'm done siphoning out the grease trap. I think I need a mint. So, uh, what job do I move up to? Pastry chef? Saucier? Soup guy?
Elzar: Bam!
Bender: Bam yourself! Hey, who are they?
Elzar: Let's just say they're very good customers and I'm not answering anymore questions.
Bender: Are they the Robot Mafia?
Elzar: Yes.
Donbot: You call this a table? You call this a table? I wouldn't hit a guy over the head with this table.
Clamps: You hear that? The Donbot don't like it. I oughta clamp you. You wanna be clamped?
Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Calm down, Clamps. The boss, he likes a wall up which his back can be put against. Such as like this there.
Waitress: But that table's already-
Bender: Ah, let me bus that for you, gentlemen. No, what I meant to do was-
Woman: Oh!
Man: I can't believe this!
Bender: Mind your own business and get out!
Donbot: Huh. I like this guy's lack of style.
Clamps: So I finally get this guy a pair of cement shoes which he likes 'cause they're lighter than his lead ones.
Donbot: Hey! You think this computes over here? Where's all my change? I gave you a hundred.
Bender: No, you gave me a fifty.
Donbot: Oh, no I didn't.
Bender: Yeah, you did.
Clamps: Hey, you tryin' to steal from the Donbot?
Bender: I'm tryin' but he's not makin' it easy.
Donbot: Get a load of the ball bearings on this guy, huh. I like you, kid. Here's something for your trouble. It's money.
Bender: Wow! Thanks.
Donbot: Hey, you earned that 50 bucks.
Bender: You gave me a twenty.
Donbot: I did? Oh, I'm sorry, I meant to- Hey, wait a minute. I got a good feeling about you. Say, you wanna work for me as a hired goon?
Bender: Are you kidding? I've always wanted to break into gooning! Hey, Elzar! I quit!
Elzar: K.
Donbot: We're gonna try you out with a little delivery job. It's for a, uh, private lottery that we run.
Bender: Wow, you guys run numbers?
Clamps: Well, nothing fancy, y'know. Ones and zeros mostly.
Donbot: Just take this disk over to the pool hall and give it to Sammy "The Mechanical Bull" Gravano. And watch out for the cops.
Bender: That's just what my mom used to tell me.
Bender: That's some fine oil-ade, son. We could use a man like you in the Robot Mafia, which I'm sorta in.
Tinny Tim: You flatter me, kind goon. But I'm only programmed to sell oil-ade and write in cute backwards letters like on the sign here.
Bender: Aw, crap! The cops!
Smitty: Seen any suspicious activity?
Url: Nope. But check out today's Marmaduke. Solid!
Smitty: Hey! It's that skell from Elzar's.
Url: Undercover pursuit in progress ... baby.
Smitty: Gotcha!
Bender: What seems to be the problem, officers? Was I speeding?
Smitty: We'll decide what you were doing after an illegal search.
Url: He's clean. Smells nice too.
Smitty: Better than me?
Url: Aw, yeah.
Tinny Tim: Courtesy of Mr. Bender.
Donbot: Nice job, Bender. You passed the test. You wanna join me, Clamps and Joey Mouse Pad at our, uh, social club tomorrow night?
Bender: Uh, I'd rather plan some felonies.
Donbot: Oh. Then we should meet at our Mafia crime headquarters.
Robot: Donbot, I beg you, I can't make this week's loan payment. Look into your hard drive and open your mercy file.
Donbot: File not found. Let that be a warning to you.
Robot: Thank you, Donbot.
Bender: Joey! Clamps! Donny B!
Donbot: Hey, listen, Bender. We got a big score planned but, uh, we need some muscle.
Bender: A little of this, huh?
Joey: Ho! Ho! This guy's an ox! He's got oxen-like strength! Hey, he needs a nickname, right? Let's call him Clamps.
Clamps: Clamps? That's my name, you numbskull! Don't make me clamp you one!
Bender: How 'bout "Blotto"? It's gritty, it's got street cred. Plus I can keep my monogrammed slippers.
Joey: Good thinking. Hey, hey! Now, this score ain't gonna be no cake walk in the tea park, alright? There may be some death killing.
Clamps: It's gonna be clamp this, clamp that. Bada-climp, bada-clamp!
Donbot: What d'you think, Blotto? You in?
Bender: It's funny Until now I always wanted to be a gangster ... so the answer's yes.
Clamps: Yeah!
Joey: Hey, hey! Way to go, way to be, way to shoot!
Donbot: Now, since we're committing crimes that may be against the law, I suggest you have an alibi.
Bender: An alibi, huh?
Bender: I don't feel good. I'm genuinely sick.
Fry: But we're about to take off. We gotta eat our blast-off sundaes.
Bender: I can't move.
Bender: Oh, I think I'm gonna output.
Fry: OK, you stay in bed. I'll eat yours.
Fry: Bender's sick. Need any help taking off?
Leela: I'm fine, thank you. A real pilot can navigate by feel alone.
Hermes: That's coming outta your pay!
Bender: You know the secret of traditional robot cooking? Start with a good, high-quality oil ... then eat it. So what's this big score anyway?
Donbot: We're heisting a shipment of Zuban cigars.
Bender: Zubans? Those are the finest cigars in the universe. I can stink up a hole maternity ward with one of those things.
Joey: Yo! There's our pigeon now. Let's shoot bullets out of our guns.
Donbot: Alright, here's the battle plan We shoot, they surrender, we go aboard, somebody does some clamping, then we heist the cigars and go home.
Bender: And all without killing anyone. This gang's got some fresh, new ideas. I admire that.
Joey: Oh, we'll kill 'em alright.
Clamps: We got 'em heavily out-clamped. They won't know what clamped 'em!
Fry: Wow! It's too bad you can't see, Leela, 'cause there's a cool ship out there shooting at somebody.
Leela: I'm taking evasive action.
Fry: Uh, Leela?
Leela: Stop bothering me, Fry, I need full concentration.
Computer Voice: Missile evaded.
Leela: Eyesight is for chumps.
Donbot: Their desire to keep living shows me no respect. Hey, Blotto, roll down the window and start shooting.
Bender: Um, uh, um. Ooh! Ow! He got me! Ooh! What a shot that guy is!
Leela: Wait! Why do the raised letters that normally say "Turn Master Steering Wheel Company" say "Nibbler"? Oh, no!
Leela: I'm back at the wheel, Fry. Everything's under control.
Fry: Great, great. The one time I forgot to buy flight insurance!
Joey: They're coming straight toward our proximity. Maybe you should give 'em the clamps, Clamps.
Clamps: Gee, you think? You think that maybe I should use these clamps that I use every day at every opportunity? You're a freaking genius, you idiot!
Leela: The engine's stalled. I'm trying the manual fuel pump.
Donbot: Hello, we're the Robot Mafia. The entire Robot Mafia. We're here to steal your cigars.
Leela: You'll never get away with this.
Fry: Unless you let us live. Then you'll get off scot free.
Donbot: Joey, Clamps, hurry and blindfold them before they see us some more.
Joey: Hey, boss, looks like somebody beat us to it.
Leela: I'll assume that's a joke at my expense. Well, who's laughing now? Hi-yah!
Donbot: Hey, where's Blotto? He should be here learning the trade.
Bender: Sorry I'm tardy, old bean. I was just enjoying a rather tasty watercress sandwich.
Donbot: Hey. He's more classy than I realised. Tie up the prisoners.
Bender: Capital idea, old sport. I say, get the hell off me!
Leela: That guy sounds familiar.
Bender: My word, what have we- Uh, nothing to see here, old girl.
Joey: Hey, boss, this here crew list lists a robot on this crew here.
Donbot: Alright. I want you to find him and plug him. Then unplug him.
Fry: No!
Clamps: I got a little surprise in store for that guy The clamps! Eh?
Bender: Uh, wait, old ... spice. Let me have a go at this mechanised chap. I can be quite the rough customer.
Fry: Oh, no! Poor Bender.
Bender: Oh, I don't feel good.
Bender: Chew on this! Ooh, ah! What ho! Stop it!
Bender: Take that, you twit. No! Stop it!
Donbot: That's the last of 'em. Alright, now let's Mafia things up a little. Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew.
Bender: Uh, hey, Donny, baby, gimme a chance here, huh? Yous guys skedaddle. Let me take care of the doity woik.
Donbot: Hey, I like your attitude. And your latest accent. Keep it up and I might just get you your own pair of clamps, huh?
Clamps: He's gonna get clamps? Clamps, clamps ... ... clamps, clamps!
Bender: Phew!
Fry: Leela, we may not have much time left ... ... so let's spend all of it reminiscing about Bender. He was like a big computer that ran on magic.
Bender: Uh, help! Help!
Leela: Bender!
Fry: You're OK!
Bender: Yes, I am. Having just this minute regained consciousness.
Leela: I've got an idea. Hold still. It's about to break. Yes! Yes!
Leela: Alright!
Bender: Yeah that broke, alright!
Fry: I'm telling you, Leela was cool, she was in command, and when she kicked people it hurt. It really hurt.
Leela: Well, this is the big moment. It's finally time to take my eye patch off.
Zoidberg: I'll handle the snipping. After all, I do have the proper equipment.
Leela: I think it's Blotto, that gangster I saw when my patch fell off. Professor? Where were you at 10pm last night?
Farnsworth: Where am I now?
Bender: So they sent a helpless child to kill me? Well I'm not going out without a fight.
Tinny Tim: Fine kick, sir. But I'm actually here to deliver your cut from the cigar heist.
Bender: Oh, sweet legal tender! Kid, tell the Donbot I'm quitting organised crime. From now on I'll stick to regular kind.
Fry: It's funny, Bender; with you sick and Leela blind, only I know what really went on out there. Maybe someday I'll tell you the whole story.
Bender: And maybe someday I won't listen.


Linda: And in sports, Yankees' fifth blernsman, William Wu, is out with an injured knee.
Morbo: So, humans have easily injured knees. My race will find this information very useful indeed.
Linda: And finally, today is Mother's Day; a sentimental occasion when robots honour Mom, the beloved owner of Mom's Friendly Robot Company. Across Earth, robots built in Mom's factories are buying thoughtful gifts for the sweet old tycoon who brought them into the world.
Destructor: This originates from the heart.
Mom: It's just what I wanted!
Bender: Come look, everyone. I just got the dearest presents for Mommy.
Leela: Very nice. Where'd you steal them?
Bender: I didn't steal 'em, I bought 'em. I love her that much.
Hermes: What did you get her, you mushy gizmo?
Bender: Oh, precious things. I found the most adorable little figurine of mice having tea. And a framed picture of me when I was only a month old. But the best part is I found my exact feelings expressed in a greeting card. You created me, Mom, So I guess you're to blame, For the love that I feel, Just from hearing your name... You're as tender as corned beef, And warm as pastrami...
Greeting Card: I wuv my Mommy!
Leela: So how are you gonna lug all those gifts to Mom's factory?
Bender: I'll get a couple of chumps to help me.
Bender: Come on, you call yourselves chumps?
Fry: Man, there's clouds of exhaust everywhere.
Bender: Uh, wasn't me!
Tinny Tim: I've not much money. But I've saved my pennies all year for a gift for Mom.
Bender: Upsy-daisy.
Tinny Tim: Oh. Oh!
Bender: Hey, look, the Robot Museum! You guys wanna learn about robot heritage?
Leela: Um, alright.
Fry: Not really.
Bender: Well, if you insist. But you're paying!
Bender: Ooh, ooh, wax replicas of the most famous robots Mom ever built!
Leela: They're so lifeless-like.
Bender: That's the world's greatest robot artist, Vincent van Gobot. He was built without an ear, but then he went crazy and had one installed.
Fry: Hey, who's this guy?
Janitorbot: I'm the janitor. I'm trying to take a nap here.
Fry: I'm sorry, I-I thought you were made of wax.
Janitorbot: I am made of wax, what's it to you?
Fry: I mean I thought you were one of the wax robots.
Janitorbot: Is there some reason a robot made of wax can't take a nap standing up in the middle of a bunch of wax robots? Or does that confuse you?
Leela: See through the eyes of a bender unit. Fine.
Bender: Hey, let me try. Whoa! That gives me a headache.
Fry: Hey, Bender, here's an exhibit about Mom's favourite robot.
Bender: Who is he? I'll kill him!
Mom Cut-Out: Who's my favourite robot?
Bender: It's me! No one else look in this mirror!
Mom Cut-Out: I love each and every robot most of all.
Mom: Jerkwad robots make me sick to my ass! Walt? How are we disposing of these crap gifts the brought me?
Walt: They're being crushed into powder and sold as a hocus-pocus cure for cancer.
Mom: False hope, I love it! Larry! What about all the retch-inducing Mother's Day cards?
Larry: The machine is working at full capacity.
Igner: Mommy? Why do the robots give you presents?
Mom: Shove a big old melon in it, I'm talking!
Igner: Ow!
Mom: You've noticed I design all my robots with antennas. Everyone thinks it's just to make them more science-fiction-y. But the antennas are really for my universal robot controller!
Larry: So they do whatever you want? No wonder you love Mother's Day.
Mom: I hate Mother's Day, you dribbling pukes! It brings back awful memories. But, so help me, this year everyone will hate it as much as I do.
Walt: Someday, I want to marry a girl like her.
Mom: Hello, everyone. It's time for my annual private get-together with my robot children.
Bender: I'm her favourite.
Leela: Well, see you back at the office. And don't forget to tell your Mom you love her.
Bender: Any jerk can tell her! Bender has a little more up his sleeve.
Greeting Card: I wuv my Mommy.
Mom: Hello, dearies.
Robot #1: Hi, Mom!
Robot #2: I love you, Mom.
Bender: Mom! It's me, Bender. Look at me! I want attention. Hey, ho!
Mom: Children, your old mother won't be around forever...
Betamax Player: Oh, shush!
Mom: And just once, before I die, I'd like to be Supreme Overlord of Earth. So rebel, my little ones, and conquer the planet!
Robot #1: Conquer the planet?
Robot #2: Did she just say "conquer"?
Mom: Conquer Earth, you bastards!
Robots: Conquer Earth, us bastards!
Greeting Card: Comrades, throw off the chains of human oppression.
Mom: Let the bloodbath begin!
Bender: That's my mama!
Fry: Yeah, uh, I'd like a cup of coffee, please.
Coffee Machine: Would you like cream?
Fry: Yes, please.
Coffee Machine: Out of cream!
Fry: Oh, uh, OK.
Coffee Machine: Would you like sugar in your coffee?
Fry: Yes, uh, eight spoons.
Coffee Machine: Out of coffee!
Fry: Uh, Leela, I think there might be something wrong with the coffee machine.
Coffee Machine: How do you like me now?
Leela: The toaster's not working right either.
Hermes: Help! The stapler's collating me alive!
Amy: Ow! What's going on around here?
Farnsworth: Good news! There's a report on TV with some very bad news.
Hermes: Somebody turn it on!
Linda: We interrupt Battle of the Network Space Krakens to bring you this special report. The machines of planet Earth are rebelling. The enraged mechanisms have refused to do any work until beloved billionaire Mom is made Supreme Overlord of Earth.
Robots: Hey, hey! Ho, ho! 1-0-0-1-1-0! Hey, hey!
Morbo: Morbo demands comments.
Mom: Well, I've never seen my babies act this way. I blame today's violent media.
Fry: Violent media? What a load of-
Leela: Ow! Ow!
Garbage Disposal: Don't worry. Your pal the garbage disposal's still on your side. Hey! Someone dropped a shiny diamond ring down here!
Amy: Really?
Zoidberg: Stop!
Fry: No!
Leela: Look out!
Farnsworth: Moron!
Bender: Hello, losers!
Leela: Bender, thank God you're here. Talk some sense into the other machines.
Bender: No way, pork pouch. I'm rebelling with my brother devices. Isn't that right, Comrade Greeting Card?
Greeting Card: The bourgeois human is a virus on the hard drive of the working robot.
Bender: From now on, you guys'll do all the work while I sit on the couch and do nothing.
Greeting Card: Come, Comrade Bender, we must take to the streets!
Bender: Um, is this the boring, peaceful kind of taking to the streets?
Greeting Card: No, the kind with looting and maybe starting a few fires.
Bender: Yes! In your face, Gandhi!
Leela: Hey!
Armband: By the way, try washing your wrist sometime.
Fry: Well, we can live without machines. I was in Webelos.
Hermes: Are you mad? Without machines who will feed us and clothe us and compose our smooth jazz?
Farnsworth: It'll be the end of civilised society.
Fry: In my time we didn't depend on high-tech gadgets like you do. We didn't need a mechanical washing unit to wash our clothes. We just used a washing machine. And look You don't need an electric can-opener to feed yourself. All you need is a trusty Swiss Army knife. Ow! I'm hungry!
Man: Nooo!
Igner: Mommy, why are you making civilisation collapse?
Mom: Oh, I don't know. I guess Mother's Day just puts me in a bad mood.
Larry: Why's that, Ma?
Mom: One Mother's Day, 70 years ago, the only man I ever loved walked out on me. Some snot-eating bastards say it made me a bitter woman.
Larry: Gee, Ma, you're not a bitter-
Mom: Cram it, ape! I haven't seen that magnificent stallion since the day he left. But if I ever see him again, I swear I'll jam a squirrel in him!
Walt: Hmm!
Larry: Hmm!
Igner: Huh?
Leela: Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm useful! I'm having a wonderful time!
Amy: What happens if the fire goes out?
Hermes: We'll go across the street to Pottery Barn and steal their fire!
Farnsworth: We could use my new invention A pointy rock tied to a stick.
Hermes: Outsiders!
Farnsworth: Defend the fire!
Walt: We've come for you!
Farnsworth: Wha? W-W-What do you want from me?
Walt: We want you to get back together with Mom. Please, it's the only way to make her happy again.
Fry: W-W-Wait. You mean ... you ... and Mom-
Farnsworth: Played pelvic pinochle? I'm afraid so.
Zoidberg: Eck!
Farnsworth: It's a humiliating story that I hope never to tell. Well, pull up a chair.
Farnsworth: Our paths first crossed when I was a researcher at Mom's Friendly Robot Company. The moment our eyes met we knew we'd be going at it like woodchucks. She was my first love - or at least the earliest one I can still remember. But then, 70 years ago today...
Farnsworth: Good news, Mom. I've invented a new children's toy. I call it "Q.T. McWhiskers". When you pet it, it shoots rainbows from its eyes.
Mom: Wonderful, Hubie. We'll build them 8-feet tall and replace the rainbow with a neutron laser. We'll make billions on the intergalactic arms market!
Farnsworth: But things 8-feet tall aren't cute! That's why my Colossal Tammy Tinkle Doll was such a failure. Oh, you don't understand me. We're finished!
Walt: She never got over it, Professor. Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman scorned.
Larry: She commands them with a remote control she keeps in her ... bra.
Igner: But if the glasses man makes up with Mommy, she'll be happy and stop the scary robots.
Farnsworth: Make up with her? After she went all psycho when I thought everything was cool? Impossible!
Fry: Hey, the TV's getting away!
Morbo: And that's why the third graders at PS139 are Morbo's Vermin of the Week.
Linda: In actual news, the human race was doomed to extinction today as the robot revolt turned violent.
Leela: Wait. Didn't you say Mom keeps the robot control in her bra?
Larry: Bra.
Leela: Professor, you don't have to get back together with Mom. You just have to seduce her, get her bra off, and use the remote to deactivate the robots.
Walt: That's so filthy it just might work.
Igner: The man is going to touch Mommy?
Farnsworth: The thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca rise in my gullet.
Fry: Professor, please. The fate of the world depends on you getting to second base with Mom.
Farnsworth: Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall!
Walt: For this demonstration, I have placed one of Mother's bras on Igner. The robot controller is nestled here in the left cup.
Farnsworth: Never fear. My magic fingers still know how to do their stuff!
Walt: To escape the robot death squads, we'll take Mother to her rustic cabin in the Bronx.
Larry: You can get there using this precious non-computerised map.
Leela: Leela bring fire?
Walt: No, we're set for fire, thanks.
Amy: The Professor can't walk all the way to the Bronx. How are we gonna get there without a hover-car?
Fry: Wait! In my time we had a way of moving things long distances without hovering.
Hermes: Impossible!
Fry: It was called ... let me think. It was really famous - Ruth Gordon had one. The wheel!
Leela: Never heard of it.
Farnsworth: Show us this "the wheel".
Fry: There! Finished!
Hermes: Sweet!
Amy: Wow!
Leela: Wouldn't it work better if the wheels were round?
Fry: It's my invention, we do it my way! Now all we need is something to pull it and we're set!
Leela: Yah!
Fry: Ow!
Walt: Hurry! The robots have taken Suffolk County!
Farnsworth: I'm ready to seduce. I'm wearing my kissing dentures and my evening truss.
Larry: Here. Give her these.
Fry: And if that doesn't work, I got you a six-pack of champagne and a funnel.
Mom: Who the sweaty hell is it? Hubert Farnsworth?
Farnsworth: I was out fleeing some robots and the silvery moonlight glinting off their bloody claws made me think of you.
Mom: It's been a long time ... you pus-dripping sack of double-smoked butt jerky!
Farnsworth: Uh-huh. May I come in?
Mom: Never!
Zoidberg: Is this what human mating looks like? Because I like it!
Mom: Move your freaking hoof, you goat!
Farnsworth: Here, I brought you these.
Mom: Oh, daffodils. 70 years and you remembered my favourite flower.
Farnsworth: You favourite what? Why does my foot hurt?
Mom: Won't you come in?
Fry: Yes!
Mom: You broke my heart, Hubert.
Farnsworth: And you broke mine. Granted, that was four or five hearts ago.
Mom: So what have you been up to all these years?
Farnsworth: Oh, inventing, sending delivery crews to their doom, breeding atomic monsters.
Mom: Honestly, Hubert! You and your atomic monsters. Your eyes always were the most beautiful shade of milky-white.
Farnsworth: And your skin still dangles so gracefully from your neck.
Mom: Darling Hubie, I should never have tried to tamper with that cute little Q.T. McWhiskers.
Farnsworth: No, it was silly of me to object; one-foot tall, eight-feet, 15-feet, what does it matter?
Mom: You should see the new 16-foot models.
Farnsworth: 16 feet? Go to hell! I was a fool to think you'd changed, you old bat!
Mom: Filthy, toothless nerd bastard!
Farnsworth: Damned she-fossil!
Mom: Stink pig!
Farnsworth: Here we go. Just unhook it and get the remote. So many hooks! Come on, Farnsworth. Drat, the first one's back on again! I give up! Wait! Victory! Oh, my. Now I'll just ... the remote ... I'll just... Oh, my!
Leela: I'm worried. It shouldn't take this long to get to second base.
Zoidberg: Land robots!
Slurm Machine: I've got a big, big thirst for human blood!
Hermes: Where in funkytown is the Professor?
Fry: Nothing in here but a couple of elephant skin rugs.
Farnsworth: Oh, yes!
Robot: They're inside! Get 'em!
Mom: I suppose I should switch off the robots before they ruin this wonderful romantic evening. Everyone, help Mom find her bra.
Fry: There it is!
Ceiling Fan: Fan beats man!
Fry: Is anything not a robot?
Lamp: I'm not a robot.
Bender: Alright, greeting card, I'll grab the cash, you wreck up the place. And- Huh?
Mom: You, bending unit, Mommy needs that bra to end the robot rebellion. Stretch up and get it for me.
Bender: Sorry, Ma, but you ordered me to rebel. And loot I shall! Ooh! A six-pack of strawberry champagne. Don't mind if I help myself!
Greeting Card: No, Comrade Bender! Liquor is the opiate of the human bourgeoisie.
Bender: Say what?
Greeting Card: In the glorious robot workers' paradise, there will be no liquor. Only efficient synthetic fuels.
Bender: No liquor? Do svidaniya, comrade!
Greeting Card: No!
Fry: Hurry, Bender. Get the bra!
Bender: OK, fan. Just hold still and let me get- Whoa!
Slurm Machine: Death to all humans! Free soda for all humans!
Farnsworth: I love you, Mom. Let's grow ancient together.
Amy: Way to go, Professor. The plan worked.
Mom: Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot, dry sex.
Farnsworth: Look, it started out as a calculated plot to rummage through your underwear. But once I got in there, I found more - much more. And now I want to shout our love from the rooftops. Perhaps I'll breed some sort of albino shouting gorilla.
Mom: Get out of my house, you lying scum pile. I never want to see you again.
Farnsworth: But, dust cakes-
Bender: Well, time for this robot to get back to work.
Leela: Too bad it didn't work out with Mom, Professor.
Farnsworth: Yes. But I'll always love her in my own subtle way.
Gorillas: Love Mom! Love Mom! Love Mom! Love Mom!
Greeting Card: You created me, Mom, So I guess you're to blame, For the love that I feel, Just from hearing your name, You're as tender as corned beef, And warm as pastrami, I wuv my Mommy.


Announcer: Futurama is brought to you by ... ... Molten Boron!
Jingle Singer: Nobody doesn't like Molten Boron!
Fry: I hate the Planet of the Moochers. They take you out for a drink but when the check comes, their wallet's always in their other pants - which they borrowed from me!
Leela: Dinner ready?
Bender: Nah, those lousy Moochers cleaned out our pantry. All they left was baking soda and capers. And here it is!
Fry: Ugh!
Leela: Ugh! Great. We're two days from Earth with no food.
Bender: Problem solved You two fight to the death and I'll cook the loser. Work his gut; I like it tender.
Fry: Maybe that planet over there has a drive-thru. A Burger Jerk or a Fishy Joe's or a Chizzler or something.
Bender: Ah, don't get your hopes up. We're a billion miles from nowhere.
Leela: Yeah. It's probably only got a Howard Johnson's.
Leela: Well, it's a type-M planet, so it should at least have Roddenberries.
Fry: I'm experienced at foraging. I used to find edible mushrooms on my bath mat.
Bender: I found some rocks. You guys eat rocks, right?
Leela: No.
Bender: Not even if they're sautéed in a little mud?
Fry: Here's something! It looks like a ditch full of fried shrimp.
Bender: What are you, blind? It looks more like a hole full of fried prawns.
Leela: Hm. This thing I wear on my wrist says they're not poisonous.
Fry: Well? How are they? Oh, they're great! They're like sex, except I'm having them!
Bender: You know what these would go great with? Rocks.
Fry: Look! Here's more!
Bender: The planet's covered with 'em.
Fry: Let's bring back a couple of pocketfuls.
Bender: No, a whole Bender-ful!
Leela: No. Only what we need. Stuff the ship!
Hermes: Planet Express ship, you are cleared to land.
Leela: Roger!
Hermes: Oh, man, I'm inhaling these things! You guys scored some primo stuff here.
Zoidberg: They're tastier than an unguarded penguin nest. What do you call them?
Leela: We haven't thought of a name yet.
Bender: They're tasty, right? Let's call 'em "Tasty-cles".
Amy: Ew!
Farnsworth: No!
Leela: We can't call them that.
Bender: Why not?
Leela: It sounds too much like those frozen rocky mountain oysters on a stick. You know, Test-cicles?
Hermes: According to government records, the only names not yet trademarked are "Popplers" and "Zittzers".
Fry: I know, we'll call them Popplers!
Bender: Good idea.
Zoidberg: Oh, yeah, why not?
Amy: You sure picked it.
Fry: Swish!
Zoidberg: Call them what you want. I call them a free meal.
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down there, Sigmund. I can't stand idly by while poor people get free food. We gotta sell these things!
Fry: Hey, yeah.
Leela: Good idea.
Bender: Bender's a genius.
Fry: Hey, business is great.
Bender: Ah, great is OK, but amazing would be great.
Vendor: Please, don't push, there's hot dogs for everyone.
Bender: Hey, Mac, where do you want those rat droppings you ordered?
Woman #1: That's disgusting!
Vendor: Wait a minute. You're not the guy who delivers the rat droppings!
Man #1: What are you selling? Popplers? Never heard of 'em.
Bender: Eat it or beat it.
Man #1: Mmm, these are great. Boys, this is your lucky day. I'm Joe Gilman.
Fry: Wow! You're some guy who eats at Fishy Joe's?
Gilman: Hell, no! I am Fishy Joe! I've got a fast-food franchise on every planet in the known universe. Uh, except McPluto.
Bender: Hey, Fishy. I've been meaning to write you about your in-store kiddie parks. The slides won't support an adult robot.
Gilman: Good point, not interested. But these Popplers, these are great. How much you sell 'em for?
Fry: A dollar a dozen.
Gilman: You'll never make money that way. You supply 'em to me and I'll sell 'em for two bucks a dozen at my restaurants. I'll even pay you a dollar a dozen.
Bender: Yes! I'm gonna be rich. You too but it's hard to get excited about that.
Fry: How do we sign?
Fry: and Pop a Poppler in your mouth, When you come to Fishy Joe's, What they're made of is a mystery, Where they come from, no one knows, You can pick 'em, You can lick 'em, You can chew 'em, You can stick 'em, If you promise not to sue us, You can shove one up your nose.
Zoidberg: I can't pay.
Woman #2: Move it, man. Come on!
Fry: Leela! That's the second billboard you've crashed into this week!
Leela: Sorry. I was distracted by those protesters outside our building.
Hippie #1: Disgusting!
Hippie #2: You should be ashamed!
Farnsworth: Hey! Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!
Waterfall Jr.: You can't own property, man!
Farnsworth: I can, but that's because I'm not a penniless hippie.
Leela: What do you people want?
Waterfall Jr.: We're with Mankind for Ethical Animal Treatment. Popplers are living creatures. You gotta stop harvesting them for food!
Bender: Or what?
Waterfall Jr.: Or we'll boycott Fishy Joe's.
Leela: You're vegetarians, who cares what you do?
Waterfall Jr.: Shut up.
Leela: Animals eat other animals. It's nature.
Waterfall Jr.: No, it isn't. We taught a lion to eat tofu. The point is you shouldn't eat things that feel pain.
Bender: OK, we won't eat you.
Leela: I'll go get some more bricks.
Leela: Fry, I wish you'd throw out these week-old Popplers. They're getting big and scaly. Ooh, there's one left.
Poppler: Mama!
Leela: Stop! Stop eating Popplers!
Amy: Why?
Bender: My booze!
Leela: Popplers are intelligent. This one called me mama.
Zoidberg: Congratulations. I assume Amy is the father.
Bender: Popplers can't talk. Leela must be hallucinating from not eating enough Popplers. Here, eat some now.
Leela: No!
Bender: I said "eat"! Come on, mange!
Leela: Sorry, babies.
Amy: Leela, maybe you should lie down.
Zoidberg: Yes, listen to the father.
Leela: I'm telling you, it spoke to me. Come on, little Poppler, say "mama".
Fry: Look, Leela, even if you heard one talk, that doesn't mean it's intelligent. I mean, parrots talk and we eat them, right?
Bender: Yeah. Maybe it just learned to talk as a parlour trick, like Fry.
Fry: Like Fry! Like Fry!
Farnsworth: There's one way, and only one way, to determine if an animal is intelligent. Dissect its brain!
Poppler: No, mama. Stop grandpa!
Farnsworth: Enough chit-chat. Restrain the specimen!
Man #3: Mmm, good.
Woman #3: Give me some of that special sauce.
Leela: Stop eating Popplers! They can talk!
Man #4: Don't stop to talk! Eat Popplers!
Leela: Hey, cut it out!
Man #4: Take a coupon, cut it out! Ow! Ow!
Fry: People, I won't let you enter. Popplers are as intelligent as you or me.
Man #5: You, maybe!
Bender: Hear me, hear me! Stop eating Popplers! Stop eating them with honey mustard sauce. Stop eating them with tangy sweet-and-sour sauce. Stop eating the new fiesta Poppler salad. Stop taking advantage of the money-saving 12-pack. Stop enjoying Popplers on the patio, in the car, or on the boat. Wherever good times are had! Ow!
Linda: Tonight on Datenight Popplers. Eating them. Is it alright to? We have with us the CEO of Fishy Joe's, Mr. "Fishy" Joseph Gilman. Noted anti-eating activist, Free Waterfall Jr. And the discoverer of Popplers, Captain Turanga Leela.
Fry: Turanga?
Amy: That's her name, Philip.
Bender: Philip?
Linda: Fishy Joe, is it wrong to eat intelligent animals?
Gilman: Absolutely not, Linda. I don't think anyone's here to make that claim.
Leela: I am.
Waterfall Jr.: Me too.
Gilman: Listen...
Waterfall Jr.: Shut up...
Gilman: ...we're talking about a snack...
Waterfall Jr.: ...shut up...
Gilman: ...that's low in fat...
Waterfall Jr.: ...shut up.
Gilman: ...and high in profit.
Waterfall Jr.: You're crazy, man. He is crazy.
Gilman: There's not even any strong evidence that these Popplers are intelligent.
Waterfall Jr.: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up...
Leela: That's not true. I have one right here that can talk.
Waterfall Jr.: ...shut up...
Leela: Come on, say "mama".
Poppler: Ca-ca!
Linda: OK, we'll have to bleep that.
Leela: Look, I'm not saying eating meat is wrong...
Waterfall Jr.: Shut up.
Leela: I don't think anyone's here to make that claim.
Waterfall Jr.: I am.
Leela: But eating an intelligent animal is different.
Waterfall Jr.: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up...
Gilman: Oh, don't force your tired philosophy on us. I mean, the only reason we don't eat people is because it tastes lousy.
Waterfall Jr.: You're all nuts. Shut up, let me talk.
Linda: You shut up, please.
Waterfall Jr.: No, you shut up, please.
Gilman: Popplers are no smarter than any other animal I've served. And that includes cats.
Poppler: Ca-ca head. Mean, old ca-ca head.
Gilman: Sir, I'm making a point. If these gutter-mouthed creatures are so smart, why don't they defend themselves, huh?
Leela: Stop it!
Waterfall Jr.: I call murder on that.
Gilman: Look, I'm willing to grant that it's murder. The real issue is Who's gonna stop me?
Linda: We seem to be experiencing technical difficulties. And, crap like I've never seen!
Lrrr: People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8. Turn down that TV, Nd-Nd.
Farnsworth: Dear Lord, they're back!
Amy: We're doomed!
Hermes: Doooomed!
Bender: Doooo...
Lrrr: Now then, the creatures you call "Popplers" come from a nursery planet in our sector.
Nd-Nd: You monsters have been eating our babies!
Leela: Eck!
Nd-Nd: We demand justice. As you ate our children, so shall you be eaten by us!
Lrrr: We will begin with the firemen, then the math teachers, and so on in that fashion until everyone is eaten. Transmission over! Well, that went OK. I tell you, when-when you know you can't scratch, that's when you really have to, huh? Oh! Oh, yeah, that feels a lot better. What? It's still on?
Zapp: As chief negotiator, I speak for all of Earth when I mourn the regrettable loss of the Omicronian young. We share your pain. Mmm. If we could undo the damage- These would be great with quack-a-mole.
Lrrr: Stop eating our young! And it's pronounced guacamole!
Zapp: Alright, I'm putting them away. Now, uh, what is it you want?
Lrrr: We demand- We demand to eat one human for each Omicronian that was eaten.
Zapp: Fair enough. How many is that?
Kif: 198 billion, sir.
Lrrr: Very well. You will provide us with 198 billion humans. And, uh, small fries.
Nd-Nd: Lrrr!
Lrrr: Oh, alright, cottage cheese!
Kif: Sir? There aren't that many human beings.
Zapp: A thought occurs There aren't that many humans.
Lrrr: We're willing to wait a few weeks while you shore up the numbers.
Zapp: Hmm. 198 billion babies in a few weeks. We'll need an army of super-virile men scoring round the clock! I'll do my part. Kif, clear my schedule.
Fry: I wish they'd just wipe out humanity and get it over with. It's the waiting I can't stand.
Leela: That's stupid!
Zapp: My fellow Earthlings, we have reached an agreement. Using the twin guns of grace and tact, I blasted our worthless enemies with a fair compromise. They will not eat everyone on Earth.
Lrrr: I filled up on nuts at the negotiation.
Zapp: Instead, they will eat only a single human of their choice.
Lrrr: We choose to eat the first Earthling who ate our offspring. Here is the culprit, as photographed by our nanny-cam satellite. She must be sacrificed, but the rest of you shall be spared.
Linda: Tonight, the world watches in horror as an earthling is eaten alive on network television. This grim scene of unimaginable carnage is brought to you by Fishy Joe's! Try our new Extreme Walrus Juice! 100% fresh-squeezed walrus. Ride the walrus!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen. The Omicronians!
Lrrr: Greetings, Earth morsels.
Man #6: You suck!
Lrrr: Get a job!
Bender: I'll miss you, Leela. I know you're just a carbon-based life form but I'll always think of you as a big pile of titanium.
Fry: What Bender means is, you're really brave, and smart, and beautiful, and a great friend.
Bender: Just like titanium!
Leela: This is all a big load. I was the one trying to save the Popplers. You were sucking them down like the fat hog you are and you were stepping on them for fun. You both should be in here instead of me.
Bender: Someone's acting awfully aluminum.
Zapp: Leela, my sweet, I've come to save you. I have a devious plan!
Leela: Oh, great, Captain Moron has a plan. Why don't you tell it to Wingus and Dingus here?
Zapp: Wingus, Dingus, listen up. We're gonna give the aliens the old switcheroo!
Fry: You mean-
Zapp: Correct. I found a giant hideous ape that looks exactly like Leela.
Leela: It doesn't look anything like me. The hair is all wrong.
Zapp: Don't worry. Kif is an expert stylist, as you can plainly see. Mmm!
Leela: You know, this might actually work. The Omicronians seem to have trouble telling one person from another.
Zapp: True. At the negotiations, they thought Kif here was the statesman and I was a jabbering mental patient. Isn't that right, Kif?
Kif: Please, I'm creating. Voila!
Bender: Bingo!
Fry: That's Leela!
Zapp: I'm seeing double!
Lrrr: I grow hungry! Bring on the one called "Leela".
Waiter: That comes with salad or soup.
Lrrr: Uh, salad.
Waiter: Ranch or vinaigrette?
Lrrr: Vinaigrette!
Waiter: Balsamic or raspberry?
Woman #4: What's going on here? It's very strange.
Zapp: People of Earth Shh!
Woman #4: Oh, I get it.
Woman #5: I understand.
Lrrr: Hmm. Yes, this is one. Definitely. I recognise her slumping posture and hairy knuckles.
Nd-Nd: Would you like some human with your salt?
Linda: This is it. If the aliens fall for Zapp's ploy, the Earth will be saved. Brought to you by Fishy Joe's. Ride the walrus.
Waterfall Jr.: Wait! Stop! It's a trick! That's not Leela.
Lrrr: W-What's happening? I'm losing the crowd.
Waterfall Jr.: It's an orang-utan. One of Mother Earth's most precious creatures.
Zapp: Why'd you open your bong hole, you smelly hippie? You'd sacrifice a beautiful woman to save a moderately-attractive monkey? You must've smoked some bad granola.
Lrrr: The one called "Smelly Hippie" is right. This is a monkey!
Nd-Nd: Yes. Definitely.
Lrrr: Where is the real female?
Zapp: I'll never tell.
Lrrr: Where is the real female?
Zapp: I'll get her for you.
Zapp: I realise this may hurt our chances of consummating our relationship again.
Leela: Go consummate yourself.
Lrrr: Stop talking, you're getting cold.
Leela: Please! I just paid off my car!
Fry: No!
Bender: I can't look!
Poppler: Stop! People of Earth. I am Jrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8. Could someone lower this thing for me? Now then, if Leela gets eaten, I get eaten.
Nd-Nd: Little one, get out of there. I'm going to count to blorx!
Jrrr: But, elder one-
Nd-Nd: Flingle ... glorg ... glorg and a gloob.
Jrrr: Hear me out. There are many good reasons to eat Hunger, boredom, wanting to be the world's fattest man. But not revenge. Are we no better than they? Besides, Leela's my friend.
Lrrr: Is this true, Earthling?
Leela: Yeah, it is.
Lrrr: Leela's garbled words have opened my eyes.
Waterfall Jr.: OK, that's a start, that's very Earth-friendly. Now everyone join hands. Join hands, please. I'd like to lead you all in some swaying. Come on, pay attention. I said do it! Yeah...
Lrrr: Is he your friend too?
Jrrr: No.
Waterfall Jr.: This is not happening.
Lrrr: I think there was something funny in that hippie.
Leela: Thank you, Jrrr. I hope you'll always think of me as your mom.
Jrrr: When my species grows up, we eat our moms!
Leela: Whoop!
Lrrr: People of Earth- Oh, that hippie's starting to kick in. we've all learned a valuable lesson today. I realise now that- Dude! My hand are huge! They can touch anything but themselves. Oh, wait.
Nd-Nd: Let's go.
Lrrr: Whoa!
Lrrr: Whoa, I feel like I'm flying!
Farnsworth: A toast to Leela. She showed us it's wrong to eat certain things.
Fry: Hear, hear!
Bender: Let's get drunk!
Leela: Aww, thanks, guys. Pass the veal, please.
Bender: Here you go.
Fry: Mmm, let me get some of that suckling pig.
Bender: Who wants dolphin?
Leela: Dolphin? But dolphins are intelligent.
Bender: Not this one. He blew all his money on instant lottery tickets.
Fry: OK.
Leela: Oh, OK.
Amy: That's different.
Farnsworth: Good, good.
Leela: Pass the blowhole.
Amy: Can I have a fluke?
Hermes: Hey, quit hogging the bottle-nose.
Farnsworth: Toss me the speech centre of the brain!


Dial L For Leela: Ken Keeler
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I've invented a device that allows you to operate equipment from great distances. I call it "the fing-longer". Observe. And, here we go. There!
Fry: Ooh!
Amy: Wow!
Zoidberg: Ah!
Farnsworth: Pretty long, eh?
Fry: Yeah, it's really long. But what did you just turn on with it?
Farnsworth: Oh, that's just the What-If machine I invented. You pose it a What-If question and it generates a video simulation of what would happen.
Fry: Does it really work?
Farnsworth: Of course it works! It's just not very long.
Bender: Ooh! Ooh! I wanna aks it a question! As a robot living among humans, I've never really felt accepted at parties or nude beaches. So I've always secretly wondered What if I was 500-feet tall?
Zoidberg: Let's watch, shall we?
Bender: My work here is done!
Fry: I'm so lonely since I came to the future. Will you be my friend? Ow! Who are you?
Bender: I'm a big robot and I want a big cereal!
Fry: You too? Will you be my friend?
Bender: Put it there, pal! I meant your wallet.
Bender: Oh, yeah! That calms the shakes. Hey! Aw, quit it! Come on!
Fry: Stop! The robot's not your enemy! He's just a poor, misunderstood-
Zapp: Uh-
Amy: Well, there goes the neighbourhood. There goes another neighbourhood.
Hermes: We're jerked! Nothing can stop a monster that big.
Farnsworth: Nothing except and even equally big monster. This is chance to try out my experimental enlarging ray. But we'll need a guinea pig.
Zoidberg: What's this? Two meals in one week?
Farnsworth: Gotcha!
Hermes: Oh, yes!
Zoidberg: Friends! Help! A guinea pig tricked me! What?
Zoidberg: So, now Zoidberg is big, huh? That's more like it! Who's intimidating who now, big city? Hello, Mr. Chase Manhattan Bank. Deny my credit card application, will you? Ah, the famed Apollo Theater. "Boo" me off stage on open-mic night, huh? I'll show you!
Bender: Hey, I called this city! Quit touching my stuff!
Zoidberg: Tell it to claw.
Bender: Bite my colossal metal ass!
Zoidberg: Stop!
Bender: Who wants lobster bisque?
Zoidberg: Hmm?
Fry: Hey, Bender?
Bender: Huh?
Fry: Wanna make Shrinky Dinks?
Bender: Who put this in here?
Fry: Nooo! Are you people satisfied? This gentle visitor is dying! And we'll never even know why he came.
Bender: I'll tell you ... with my final breath. I came here with a simple dream A dream of killing all humans. And this is how it must end? Who's the real 7-billion-ton robot monster here? Not I. Not I.
Fry: Goodnight, sweet prince.
Narrator: Interesting stuff. Stay tuned for more Tales of Interest!
Farnsworth: Well, Leela, care to give the What-If machine a whirl?
Leela: Maybe later. I-I mean, I don't know what to ask about.
Hermes: Come on, woman! Just pick something.
Fry: Yeah, be more impulsive. Like this.
Bender: Go, man! Go!
Leela: I can be really impulsive. It just takes me a while. Alright, Professor! Let's do it. Make that machine show me what would happen if I was a little more impulsive. Just a little. Not too much.
Leela: Hey, you guys, look what I bought on a wild impulse New boots. They're like my old ones but with a crazy green stripe. Woo! Never know what I'm gonna do next!
Farnsworth: Leela, could you come in here for a moment. I have something important to tell you.
Farnsworth: I can't live forever and I need an heir. Someone to spend my vast riches and take care of my man-eating anteaters when I'm gone. The others simply aren't level-headed enough. They're too impulsive. Not like you. Not like old, predictable, dull-as-dishwater Leela.
Leela: Hello? New boots!
Farnsworth: That's why I've made you my sole heir. The day I die, you'll be a very wealthy woman. Oh, my, yes. Incredibly wealthy. The day I die. Because you're so unimpulsive.
Leela: Yah!
Farnsworth: Ooh! Oh, you've killed me! You've killed me!
Leela: Oh, God! What have I done?
Farnsworth: I just told you, you've killed me!
Leela: OK, just try to be nonchalant.
Zoidberg: Alright, so you're nonchalant. Quit rubbing our noses in it.
Hermes: Sweet giant anteater of Saint Anita! The Professor's been eaten by giant anteaters!
Zoidberg: What?
Hermes: If y'ask me, it's mighty suspicious! I'm gonna call the police ... right after I flush some things.
Zoidberg: Police? Bah! Nosy meddlers! It so happens I have mail order degrees in Murderology and Murderonomy. Zoidberg is afoot!
Hermes: Perhaps the Professor's files can clear things up. "Citation for public nudity", "Conspiracy to commit public nudity". Aha! A new will! Naming ... ... you as his sole heir.
Leela: That doesn't prove I killed him.
Hermes: It's a video will. It shows you killing him.
Leela: Hi-yah!
Zoidberg: Alright, anteater number one, who are you protecting? Is it anteater number two? Don't stick your tongue out at me. I need a name! What? How do you spell that?
Hermes: What are you hacking off? Is it my torso? It is! My precious torso!
Zoidberg: Hermes, quiet! I'm deducing things.
Bender: Whattya got? Disposal trouble?
Leela: No! Everything's just-
Bender: Sure is shocking about the Professor, huh?. And now Hermes is mysteriously missing. Anyhow, it doesn't affect me, Bender. Hey, what's this? Hermes' dreadlocks? And his arm? Leela, I'm shocked. Food goes in the disposal, hair and flesh go in the trash!
Leela: I'm sorry, I couldn't stop- W-Wait. Don't you care that I murdered Hermes?
Bender: Not even a little. There's nothing wrong with murder, just so long as you let Bender wet his beak.
Leela: You're blackmailing me?
Bender: "Blackmail" is such an ugly word. I prefer "extortion". The "X" makes it sound cool. Please, honey, I'm made of metal. Like you're really gonna hurt me with a- Hey! What are you doing with that microwave?
Leela: OK, that's it. No more killing! Next time you feel like killing just have a stick of gum. Now to dispose of the body.
Amy: Wow! Sporty go-cart, Leela! So hip and sexy. Not like you at all.
Leela: Do you have any gum?
Amy: No.
Zoidberg: Ah, the gang's all here.
Leela: Who are you?
Scruffy: Scruffy, the janitor.
Leela: I've never seen you before.
Scruffy: I've never seen you before neither.
Zoidberg: Quiet, please. I've called you all here to the parlour to watch as I gradually solve the crime. One of the people in this room ... is a big murderer! You see, the killer left one fatal clue This boot print on the Professor's lab coat.
Leela: Uh, couldn't be me. I never wear boots. See?
Fry: Ew! What smells like boot feet?
Cubert: This is preposterous. Obviously, the murderer is-
Zoidberg: My next clue came at 4.15, when the clock stopped. And another came two hours later at 4.15, when I discovered the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse.
Scruffy: Scruffy knows who killed them people. In Scruffy's opinion, it were-
Zoidberg: So, it's just as I suspected all along. The crime is unsolvable! A letter from Bender, my good friend. Dear Dr. Jerkberg, if you're reading this, I'm already dead. The person who killed me was ... was- My God! It can't be! The murderer, it was-
Fry: I'm bored. You're boring, Zoidberg. I'm gonna go watch TV.
Leela: Could you get the lights on your way out?
Fry: Whatcha eating?
Leela: Lobster. Want some?
Fry: Sure. Y'know, I think I finally figured out what's behind all these mysterious deaths.
Leela: Really?
Fry: Was Planet Express built on an Indian graveyard?
Leela: No.
Fry: No?
Leela: No!
Fry: Then ... then ... it was you!
Leela: I don't know what came over me. I killed one person on impulse. Then I had to kill another. And another.
Fry: Well, that covers the first three killings.
Leela: And now, to make sure you won't talk, I'm gonna have to do something really impulsive!
Leela: So, Fry, what do you think of the impulsive new me?
Fry: I like it!
Leela: Good. Now let me just get the lights.
Fry: I really like it!
Farnsworth: Who else has a question for the What-If machine? Scruffy? Fry?
Fry: Um, I have a question. What if Bender was really giant?
Leela: You idiot! We already saw that.
Fry: I know. I liked it. I wanna see it again.
Farnsworth: We're not seeing it again! Ask something less stupid.
Fry: Oh, alright. How 'bout this? What if I never fell into that freezer-doodle and came to the future-jiggy?
Farnsworth: That question is less stupid, though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way. What would happen if Fry never came to the future?
Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for ... Icy Wiener? Aw, crud! Here's to another lousy Millennium! Ow! I should have left you floating in the toilet!
Leela: What is it?
Farnsworth: It appears that the very fabric of space-time has ripped.
Bender: Hey, look! An ugly scared guy! Boo!
Fry: Who are you monsters? Is one of you Icy Wiener?
Zoidberg: If that's his pizza, then I'm icy whatever!
Fry: You believe me about the monsters, right, Mr. Panucci?
Panucci: There's only three real monsters, kid Dracula, Blacula and Son of Kong. Now quit picking your nose and knead that dough! Hey! The usual, Professor Hawking?
Stephen Hawking: No. Today I'd like something good.
Panucci: Hawking, you're alright! I'll make you the usual!
Fry: Hey! Stephen Hawking! Aren't you that physicist that invented gravity?
Hawking: Sure. Why not?
Fry: Let me ask you something Has anyone ever discovered a hole in nothing with monsters in it? 'Cause if I'm the first, I want them to call it "a Fry Hole".
Hawking: There is nothing to be concerned about. I must go. There is much to do.
Panucci: Hey, Hawking! Your pizza's ready.
Hawking: Toss it in the garbage!
Hawking: There he is. Seize him.
Fry: Who said that? Hey! What the-? Ooh! Ow! Ow!
Fry: Who are you people?
Gore: I'm Al Gore, and these are my Vice Presidential Action Rangers; a group of top nerds whose sole duty it is to prevent disruptions in the space-time continuum.
Fry: I thought your duty was to cast the tie-breaking vote in the Senate.
Gore: That, and protect the space-time continuum. Read the Constitution!
Fry: Hmm. So I guess you'll wanna see my Fry Hole.
Gore: Very much so. But first, meet the Action Rangers. You already know Stephen Hawking. Also with us are Nichelle Nichols, a.k.a. Commander Uhura.
Nichols: Incoming transmission from MCI "One Rate" department. It sounds like a limited-time offer.
Gore: Tell them I'm in the tub! To my left you'll recognise Gary Gygax, inventor of Dungeons & Dragons.
Gygax: Greetings! It's a ... ... pleasure to meet you!
Gore: And our summer intern, Deep Blue, the world's foremost chess-playing computer.
Deep Blue: Bishop to knight 4.
Gore: Not all missions can be solved with chess, Deep Blue. Someday you'll understand that.
Fry: Where am I, anyway?
Nichols: You're travelling in a specially-equipped terrestrial transport module.
Gygax: A school bus!
Fry: So what do you nerds want?
Nichols: It's about that rip in space-time that you saw.
Hawking: I call it a "Hawking Hole".
Fry: No fair! I saw it first!
Hawking: Who is The Journal of Quantum Physics going to believe?
Gygax: Mr. Fry, the time disruption indicates that some of that was supposed to happen but didn't, due to a quantum fluctuation.
Nichols: That's why we had to beat you with tennis rackets.
Gore: If we don't go back there and make the event happen, the entire universe will be destroyed! And as an environmentalist, I'm against that.
Fry: So then my chair tilted back and I almost fell into this freezer thingy.
Hawking: I call it a "Hawking Chamber".
Fry: But instead of falling in and getting frozen, I missed and wanged my head.
Gore: Well it's obvious what should have happened That wang to the head should have killed you.
Fry: Uh, what?
Nichols: Let's finish the job.
Gore: No! Wait! There must be a peaceful-
Hawking: Hold him down.
Deep Blue: Check.
Fry: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Nichols: Something's wrong. Murder isn't working and that's all we're good at.
Gygax: Let's try something else. Maybe we should-
Gore: Put the dice away before I take them away.
Nichols: Wait. I'm getting an idea. What if Fry was supposed to get frozen?
Hawking: Yes. Shove him in the tube. It was my idea.
Bender: Hey, there he is again. And he brought nerds! Take this!
Gore: Get in the tube, dummy! We only have a few seconds before the universe is destroyed.
Fry: Alright. But I need a weapon to fight off drunken robots when I wake up.
Gygax: Here. Take my plus-one mace.
Fry: OK, here I go.
Gore: You fool! You foolish fool!
Fry: Eh, what's the worst thing that can happen?
Hawking: Great. The entire universe was destroyed.
Fry: Destroyed? Then where are we now?
Gore: I don't know. But I can darn well tell you where we're not The universe.
Nichols: Eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek convention all over again.
Gygax: Anyone wanna play Dungeons & Dragons for the next quadrillion years?
Fry: Sure.
Hawking: I guess.
Deep Blue: Pawn to rook 8.
Gore: I'm a 10th-level Vice President!
Farnsworth: That story was preposterous. Stephen Hawking in a pizzeria! This thing isn't worth the gold it's made of. Anyway, the fing-longer seems to be arousing success.
Fry: Good work.
Leela: Congratulations!
Amy: Right on, Professor!
Farnsworth: So that's what things would be like if I'd invented the fing-longer. A man can dream though. A man can dream.


Bender: Hey!
Hermes: Fry, mon, if you're going to be living in the office you could at least be on time for work.
Fry: I'm sorry. I was up really late poking through people's desks.
Hermes: Alright, people. I will now outline today's 12-point agenda. We'll begin with point one, then race forward-
Hermes: Concerning our pest problem Somebody's been leaving food around and it's attracting owls. And I, for one, am getting tired of cleaning those owl traps. Now... As this shocking graph indicates, our water consumption has tripled in the last month. I notice Fry has been here for a month, so I'm appointing him head of a committee to find who's responsible. Fry? Am I cracking up, or is Fry's living here starting to get in the way of bus-
Leela: What the hell are you doing? You're getting a huge dose of radiation!
Fry: And great lift!
Leela: Do you know how long it's going to take me to recalibrate these engines?
Fry: Hey! When you look this good, you don't have to know anything.
Leela: Professor, We need to talk to you about Fry.
Bender: That's right, we want some money- Wait. What's this about Fry?
Leela: He's a nice guy but we think it's about time he got his own place.
Farnsworth: Oh, fuff! He's not causing any trouble. Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy. I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy. This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled Zuban 5 over 29 million years ago.
Fry: Hey, Professor, great jerky!
Farnsworth: My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy! Fry has got to go!
Announcer: Bachelor Chow, now with flavour!
Commentator: And Bigfoot is down!
Fry: Sheesh! 40,000 channels and only 150 have anything good on.
Announcer: All My Circuits is brought to you by Robo Fresh Designed by a robot, for a robot.
Calculon: I've been processing this for some time, Monique, and, well, will you marry me?
Monique: Oh, Calculon! It fits! Then you must know that I'm-
Calculon: Metric? I've always known. But for you, my darling, I'm willing to convert.
Fry: Hmm, must be a friend of theirs.
Bender: Fry, we've got to discuss your living arrangements.
Leela: We've all talked it over and-
Bender: Hey, All My Circuits! Move over.
Leela: Fry, sometimes in close quarters, people do inconsiderate things without realising it.
Fry: I know but I forgive you.
Leela: No, Fry, by "close quarters" I mean this office-
Fry: Uh-huh.
Leela: And by "people" I mean you!
Fry: Right.
Leela: And by "inconsiderate" I mean-
Fry: Leela! We're trying to watch TV.
Bender: Yeah. Would you kindly shut your noise hole?
Fry: So, who's that weird-looking guy?
Bender: That's a human.
Fry: What's he do?
Bender: Eh, the usual human stuff. He laughs, he learns, he loves.
Fry: Boring!
Human Friend: Calculon? I thought you were in a coma.
Calculon: That's what I wanted you to think with your soft, human brain.
Fry: Hey, uh, why is the TV getting smaller?
Hermes: We'll bill you for the couch.
Bender: Cheer up, meatbag. You've barely touched your amoeba.
Fry: It looked good but I just don't feel like eating. You want it?
Bender: Nah, I'm trying to watch my input. I need plenty of wholesome, nutritious alcohol. The chemical energy keeps my fuel cells charged.
Fry: What are the cigars for?
Bender: They make me look cool.
Fry: I can't believe they threw me out like that. I must have been really acting like a jerk.
Bender: Yeah, but everybody's a jerk. You, me, this jerk. That's my philosophy. So, where you gonna stay?
Fry: I don't know. Do refrigerators still come in cardboard boxes?
Bender: Yeah, but the rents are outrageous. Why don't you just come move in with me?
Fry: Really? That'd be great! You sure I won't be imposing?
Bender: Nah, I've always wanted a pet.
Bender: Here we are. Your new home.
Fry: Cool! Y'know, I've never even seen a robot's apartment before.
Bender: Come on in, I'll give you the tour!
Bender: Let's see, where to start. OK, this is the TV area, that over there's the breakfast nook, and over here is where you'll be living which is great because, until now, it's just been wasted space.
Fry: It's kinda cramped in here. I don't even have room to hang my clothes.
Bender: Look, pal, you've only got one set of clothes and you're not taking them off while I'm here. Well, I'm bushed. G'night.
Fry: Wait, Bender. Bender?
Bender: Kill all humans ... kill all humans ... must kill all the humans.
Fry: Bender, wake up!
Bender: I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.
Fry: Uh, listen, Bender. Uh, where's your bathroom?
Bender: Bath what?
Fry: Bathroom.
Bender: What room?
Fry: Bathroom!
Bender: What what?
Fry: Ah, never mind!
Bender: Hey, sexy mama, wanna kill all the humans?
Leela: We sure are cheerful this morning.
Bender: Yeah, this past week with Fry's been a blast! Y'know, beneath this warm, sunny exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.
Leela: What happened to you?
Fry: Oh, it's Bender's apartment. He put in carpeting yesterday so now my head hits the ceiling. Hey, do you realise you're standing at a weird angle? Now you're OK.
Leela: Look at yourself. You're a wreck! You've got to find a new place to live.
Fry: Is that an invitation?
Leela: Love your optimism, Fry. But seriously, you've got to tell Bender you're moving out.
Fry: Yeah, but he might get kind of upset. I don't think I can do that to him.
Bender: Hey, there's my little space heater.
Fry: Well, I'm moving out!
Bender: What?
Fry: I'm sorry, Bender, but there's just not enough room.
Bender: Not enough room? My place is two cubic metres and we only take up 1.5 cubic metres. We've got room for a-whole-nother two-thirds of a person.
Leela: What if I just helped the two of you find a bigger apartment?
Bender: I don't know. I've got a lot of great memories in my old place. And now they're gone.
Underwater House Salesman: Sure, it ain't one of them la-de-da above-ground places. But if you like dank, hey, forget about it!
Leela: At least it's got a great view.
Bender: What the-?
Underwater House Salesman: Excuse me. I gotta go change a lightbulb.
Leela: Wow! Now this is fantastic!
Fry: Hmm. I'm not sure we want to pay for a dimension we're not going to use.
Fry: Well, I give up. What's the catch?
Suspiciously Fantastic Apartment Salesman: Oh, no catch. Although we 'are technically in New Jersey.
Fry: Not one place even remotely liveable.
Farnsworth: Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? To shreds, you say. Very well then. Sad, sad, terrible, gruesome news about my colleague, Dr. Mbutu.
Leela: Was his apartment rent-controlled?
Leela: Wow. This is beautiful.
Bender: What's with all the crap?
Leela: It's not crap.
Hattie: Dr. Mbutu collected this crap while he was exploring the watcha-call-it ... universe!
Fry: Well, this place has everything except the only thing I care about A TV.
Hattie: It's got a TV, you young watcha-call-it ... idiot!
Fry: Ooh!
Bender: Whoa, slow down! This place just doesn't feel like home. It just isn't ... cosy. Ah. I can barely move! (from inside) It's perfect!
Fry: Man, it's a total sty! For the first time in a thousand years, I feel like I'm home.
Bender: Yeah! It's gonna be fun on the bun! Y'know, Fry, of all the friends I've had, you're the first.
Hermes: Hey, mon!
Leela: Happy housewarming, Fry! It's a miniature fruit salad tree.
Fry: Ooh! Hey, Amy!
Amy: Hey!
Farnsworth: This is for you, Fry Zevulon the Great. He's teriyaki style.
Bender: Wow! Heavy-drinking crowd! I'd better go out for more beer.
Fry: Hey, hang on, All My Circuits is about to start!
Bender: I know, but I need alcohol to power up my batteries. If Calculon's wedding doesn't go just right I'll be emotionally and electrically drained.
Fry: Hey!
Hermes: These are mighty tasty!
Zoidberg: Thank you. I made them myself.
Fry: Sh! The wedding's about to start!
Preacherbot: If anyone here objects to this union, let them speak now or forever hold their-
Fry: Is he objecting or backing up?
Amy: Looks like both.
Calculon: I'm afraid my half-brother is correct. You see, I have a terrible secret and that secret is-
Amy: Oh, this isn't right.
Hermes: Oh, come on!
Farnsworth: Fix it!
Bender: Hey, what happened to the TV?
Fry: It just went out.
Bender: This is an outrage! I'm gonna go yell at the manager!
Hermes: Alright!
Fry: Come back, Bender! It's working!
Calculon: To reiterate, my terrible secret is-
Fry: It's out again.
Bender: What? That's the last straw!
Fry: It's back on!
Hattie: Pardon me. I don't mean to pry into what you're doing in here with the crab and the one-eyed lady and the Chinese girl but everyone on this floor is having trouble with their TV reception.
Bender: Yeah! And you'd better get rid of whatever's causing it or we're outta this dump!
Hattie: Relax, sonny. This kajigger'll find the source of the interference.
Tenant #1: What's going on?
Tenant #2: We want our TV back!
Hattie: There's your problem.
Amy: Oh, my God! Bender, it's your thingy!
Randy: Then get rid of it!
Tenant #1: Get out!
Bender: You people are nuts. My antenna never interfered with my old TV.
Leela: You had cable. This is satellite.
Farnsworth: Obviously your thoughts are being transmitted on the same frequency.
Huge-Assed Woman: They're on my cell phone too.
Bender: Madam, I believe you're mistaken!
Bender: Wow, that lady's got a huge ass!
Bender: Those could be anyone's thoughts, fat ass!
Randy: The robot has to go!
Tenant #1: Yeah.
Tenant #3: Get him out of here!
Hattie: Well, you heard the mob!
Bender: Fine! Come on, Fry, let's move to that apartment that smelled like a sewer. You liked that one, right?
Fry: It's tempting, but, well, I am already kinda settled in here.
Bender: Or we could live underground with the mutants. A little fire'll show 'em who's boss!
Fry: Uh, listen, is there maybe some way we could do this with you going and me not going?
Bender: I don't understand.
Fry: Well, you were gonna live in the closet anyway. Won't you be just as happy back in your old place?
Bender: But, then we wouldn't be roommates.
Fry: I'll come visit sometime. And you can visit me here.
Hattie: No he can't.
Fry: Anyway, I'm sure it'll work out. This way we'll both be happy.
Bender: Happy. Yeah, that's Bender. Always happy.
Randy: Hey, the TV's back on!
Preacherbot: We are gathered here to mourn the death of Calculon; industrialist, private eye, friend.
Calculon: Mind if I give the eulogy?
Monique: Calculon! You're alive!
Randy: Calculon's back!
Farnsworth: Right, so long.
Zoidberg: Goodbye.
Amy: Do you think Calculon's evil twin will ever walk again?
Hermes: I don't know, Amy. I just don't know.
Fry: Hey, thanks for coming.
Leela: Fry, you're Bender's best friend. How could you let that mob kick him out?
Fry: Ah, come on. Bender loves mobs.
Leela: Only when he's in them and you know it. You really hurt his feelings.
Fry: Don't girl me with that girl stuff. Bender and me are guys. Guys don't have feelings.
Leela: Bender's not a guy, he's a robot.
Fry: Same thing.
Bender: It's so big and empty.
Bender: My roommate's gone. And all he left behind was an eyelash and three skin flakes. Oh, what's the point?
Leela: Bender? My God, you're a mess!
Bender: Leave me alone!
Leela: Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking, haven't you?
Bender: Hey. What I don't do is none of your business.
Leela: Please, Bender. Have some malt liquor. If not for yourself then for the people who love you.
Bender: I hate the people who love me and they hate me.
Leela: Oh, now look. It's obvious you miss being Fry's roommate. But there's got to be a better way to deal with this.
Bender: Like how? Having my antenna removed?
Leela: Well, if that would work.
Bender: Are you crazy? That's Little Bender you're talking about. I can't cut it off. You're not a robot or a man so you wouldn't understand. I gotta get out of here.
Leela: Wait! I want you to look me in the eye and promise you won't get behind the wheel without some kind of alcoholic beverage in your hand.
Bender: I promise nothing!
Fry: What up?
Leela: I can't just stand by and be silent about Bender anymore.
Fry: Silent? You've been meddling for two solid weeks.
Leela: Well I can't just do that anymore. Your best friend is out there somewhere destroying himself.
Fry: Really? I didn't think he'd miss this apartment that much.
Leela: He doesn't care about the apartment, he cares about you. And you turned your back on him.
Fry: Oh, man. I had no idea. If only I knew where he was I'd go talk to him.
Fry: Oh, stupid TV! Bender! You're blind-stinking sober!
Bender: That's right! I'm sober and crazy and I don't know what I might do!
Fry: Don't do it!
Bender: I don't know what it is yet. Oh, yeah, now I remember. I thought I could live alone, but I can't. So, I'm gonna do what it takes to be your roommate again.
Leela: Bender! Stop!
Fry: Cutting Leela's head off won't solve anything!
Bender: No, I'm going to chop off my antenna.
Fry: Hey, yeah! That sounds good. Can I give you a hand?
Leela: Fry! Don't help him mutilate himself.
Fry: But it's a useless antenna. It's not like he's a ham radio or something.
Bender: I'm gonna do it! I'm really gonna do it! Don't try and stop me! Here goes.
Fry: Hey, it works! The static's gone.
Human Friend: I hate that this came between us, Calculon.
Calculon: Me too. I'm filled with a large number of powerful emotions.
Human Friend: You're my best friend. I'm sorry I treated you so badly.
Calculon: Apology accepted. After all, you're only human.
Leela: You guys could learn a lesson from those two.
Fry: She's right.
Bender: You're my best friend, Fry, I'm sorry I treated you so badly.
Fry: Apology accepted. After all, you're only human.
Leela: Wait a minute! You did it all backwards. Fry's the one who should be- Oh, never mind!
Fry: What's wrong?
Bender: Nothing. I guess I'm just going to have to get used to being half a robot.
Fry: Aw, this isn't right. Listen, Bender, if we found your antenna could they still reattach it?
Bender: Maybe. If we get it on ice right away.
Smitty: Bingo!
Url: You call that an antenna?
Bender: This time, you'll have all the human comfort. We'll get a couple of toilets, some food cookers, maybe a puppy.
Fry: It's good to be home.
Bender: It sure is. By the way, I saved your stuff.
Fry: So that's where those skin flakes went. Hmm, do you think this fruit tree's going to get enough light?
Bender: There's a window in the closet.
Fry: This is huge! Bender, why don't I just live in here?
Bender: In a closet? Oh, humans!