Fry: Hm, Spider, Hubble, Nitrogum ... ooh, Big Pink! It's the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham.
Bender: And it pinkens your teeth while you chew.
Clerk: Alright, sergeant, $100 worth of pixie stix and porno mags with your 5% military discount comes to $95. That'll be 40 cents.
Fry: I believe you're forgetting about our 5% military discount.
Clerk: Well that's only for people in the military.
Bender: What? This is the worst kind of discrimination. The kind against me!
Clerk: Alright, look. Our policy is If for any reason you're not completely satisfied, I hate you.
Bender: OK, now I'm mad!
Fry: Full price for gum? That dog won't hunt, monsignor.
Bender: Hello. We're here because we, uh, love our planet!
Recruitment Officer: Sign here on the dotted line, patriots, and I'll give you your discount cards.
Fry: Just out of curiosity, we could use the cards to buy gum, then immediately quit the army, right?
Bender: You know, playing you all for chumps?
Recruitment Officer: Correct. There's no obligation. Unless, of course, war were declared.
Fry: What's that?
Recruitment Officer: War were declared.
Farnsworth: Now be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart, to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty courage.
Hermes: I don't want you to worry about your jobs while you're away. That's why I'm firing you now.
Leela: I wanna enlist. My friends always die if I'm not there to save them.
Zapp: Sorry, but the army's instituted a men-only policy.
Leela: What?
Zapp: It's shameful, I agree. In the olden days, I proudly fought alongside female troops, shoulder to, uh, shoulder. Alas, after a series of deadly blunders caused by distracting low-cut fatigues and lots of harmless pinching, the army decided women weren't fit for service. Not when I'm in charge.
Leela: You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.
Zapp: If it's a lesson in love, watch out; I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What do I call it, Kif?
Kif: "Sex-lexia".
Zapp: Men, you're lucky men. Soon you'll all be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be forced through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.
Bender: Great, we're gonna die.
Fry: And this ham gum is all bones.
Zapp: Now to present the logistics of our mission, the Commander-in-Chief. Please welcome the original Gerber Baby, Earth President Richard M. Nixon.
Nixon: This is the brass ring, fellas. Planet Spheron One!
Fry: Cool effect!
Zapp: It's a desolate, ugly little planet with absolutely no natural resources or strategic value. Questions?
Soldier #1: Why is this Godforsaken planet worth dying for?
Zapp: Don't ask me, you're the one who's going to be dying.
Fry: Uh, just so we'll know, who's the enemy?
Zapp: A valid question. We know nothing about their language, their history or what they look like. But we can assume this They stand for everything we don't stand for. Also, they told me you guys look like dorks.
Bender: They look like dorks!
Zapp: What's the matter, private? Tent got your tongue? Tent got your... Kif, write that down and send it to "Humor In Uniform".
Fry: Whoa! Check out that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like Regular Gonzales!
Kif: That new recruit is phenomenal, sir.
Zapp: Yes. He edged out my old mark by two seconds ... ... and 16 minutes ... and 12 hours. I do plan to finish someday, Kif. Good hustle, soldier.
Leela: Uh, sorry, sir. I was still in attack mode. You know how testosterone is.
Zapp: As a bubbling Crock-Pot of male hormones, I sure do. What's your name, private?
Leela: Lee- La ... man. La Man ... Lemon! Lee Lemon, sir.
Zapp: Lemon, you're a man's man. You're a man's man's man. More importantly, your hand, while firm and masculine, is soft as a velvet child. What lotion do you use?
Leela: Pert and Popular, sir.
Zapp: Roger that. Kif, get me ten cases of Pert and Popular.
Kif: What shall I do with your Jergens, sir?
Zapp: Squirt it on some homeless man with dry elbows. Private Lee Lemon may well be the finest recruit I've seen in all my years of service. That young man fills me with hope and some other emotions that are weird and deeply confusing to me.
Kif: Ew!
Zapp: Hello!
Nixon: Mmm! Now that's a nice rosé. So, anyway, we open up the panda crate and, wouldn't you know it, the damn thing's dead! Up-chucked it's bamboo. True story.
Zapp: Uh-huh, uh-huh. That's whatever you were talking about for you.
Fry: Mind if we sit with you?
Leela: Uh, hey, why the hell would I? We're all guys here. Sweaty, hairy, gassy guys.
Fry: Good point ... I guess.
Bender: You're my kind of soldier, Lemon. A foul-mouthed, barrel-chested, beer-bellied pile of ugly muscle.
Hick: So. Any you fellas got a special lady back home?
Fry: Well, I sort of a have a thing for this girl I work with.
Leela: Really? What type is she? You know, blonde, or Chinese, or Cyclops?
Fry: Cyclops.
Leela: Aww, she sounds sweet.
Bender: But sweet girls aren't for you, eh? You hard-fighting, hard-farting, ugly, ugly son of a-
Leela: Stop! Stop flattering me!
Zapp: Ten hut! Well, well, well. If it isn't Lee Lemon The flaming star of Brannigan's Rough Rangers. Say, uh, Lemon, do you like to read? I just got a great book on tape. It's about life in Ancient Greece and-
Leela: Sir, the alarm. I think I'd better-
Zapp: Shh. Don't talk. Just go.
Nixon: We are now in position above Spheron One. This is the moment we were training for all yesterday afternoon.
Zapp: And now for the battle plan As you all know, the key to victory is the element of surprise. Surprise!
Fry: It's creepy here.
Soldier #1: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
Fry: And then the battle's not so bad?
Soldier #1: Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.
Fry: What's happening?
Hick: Holy shoot! Lookie!
Fry: The enemy! They're balls!
Leela: Charge your gun, Fry.
Fry: Oh, right.
Zapp: Watch where you're shooting, private! You spooked Felicity. There, there, boy.
Soldier #1: Give this to my son.
Bender: You got it!
Soldier #1: Wait. I didn't tell you where he lives.
Bender: Hey, I think your son might also like those boots.
Hick: Cover us, buddy. You've got the only wounded-up positron shooter. Fry, you emu-bellied coward!
Fry: Bender! No!
Bender: If they put me on a stamp, tell them to use the young Bender.
P.A. Announcer: Incoming wounded. All operating personnel report to tent four, repeat, four- I mean five! Repeat, four.
Nurse: Are you ready to operate, doctor?
Zoidberg: I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery. I kid! I kid!
Zoidberg: Scalpel. Blood bucket. Priest. Next patient.
Ihawk: Gee, Zoidberg, leave some for the enemy to kill.
Nurse: Leave Dr. Zoidberg alone! He has twice the training you do.
Ihawk: Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher!
Zoidberg: See, this is how it starts. First with he jokes, then comes the heavy stuff.
Ihawk: When will the killing end?
Zapp: Look at this sissy, Kif. While others were fighting and dying pointlessly, he was hiding in a hole, wallowing in a pool of his own cowardice.
Fry: That wasn't cowardice.
Zapp: I'm de-promoting you, soldier. Kif, what's the most humiliating job there is?
Kif: Being your assistant.
Zapp: Wrong! Being your assistant! Private Fry, you shall henceforth serve as Kif's assistant.
Fry: That doesn't sound too bad.
Kif: You speak when I tell you to, you filthy worm!
Zoidberg: I'm afraid he's gone.
Hick: Whoa, doc, I ain't dead.
Zoidberg: Excuse me, I believe I'm the doctor.
Ihawk: Believe it all you want, that won't make it true. This isn't a war, it's a murder. This isn't a war, it's a moider!
Hick: Bender, old buddy, hang in there.
Zapp: Here lies the bravest soldier I've seen since my mirror got grease on it. I hereby order that in Bender's honour he be melted down and made into a statue of himself.
Nixon: Slow down there, Starsky, I'm up to something here. I want this robot fixed. Fixed like Kennedy fixed the 1960 election. Damn bean-eating war hero!
Nurse: Are you read to operate, doctor?
Ihawk: I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery.
Zoidberg: That's my joke! I'll kill you!
Zapp: Ah! Pre-war scotch! Welcome, Lieutenant Bender. You're looking sharp.
Bender: I got wheels! With clickety-clack-ers.
Zapp: Damnit, Kif, where's the little umbrella? That's what makes it a scotch-on-the-rocks!
Kif: Actually, sir-
Zapp: Make me a new one.
Kif: Use a brush, you dunderhead! And mix these mixed nuts. I see two almonds touching!
Nixon: Now, listen here, Bender. This war is in danger of going all quagmire on me, so I'm sending you on one last mission.
Bender: Hot diggidy daffodil!
Nixon: A mission of peace.
Bender: Oh!
Zapp: You'll be negotiating with the aliens' mysterious leaders, the Brain Balls. They've got a lot of brains and they've got a lot of kutzpa!
Nixon: Accompanying you will be our top peace negotiator, Henry Kissenger.
Kissenger: How are you?
Bender: Is he any good?
Nixon: Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed. Nuff said!
Nixon: I'm so dizzy, My head is spinning, Like a whirlpool, It never ends.
Zapp: A little lower. Lower. Lower. A lot lower. Too low! ... Lower!
Fry: I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh.
Zapp: Private Lemon, no need to leave. My stall just became free.
Leela: Maybe you should put on a towel, sir.
Zapp: Right! Right! I'm about to try the new lotion you recommended. If I should accidentally put too much on my hands, perhaps I could rub it onto you.
Nixon: Brannigan!
Zapp: Hm?
Nixon: My God, cover yourself. I didn't live a thousand years and travel a quadrillion miles to look at another man's gizmo.
Zapp: Uh, sorry, Mr. President, I-I didn't realise. Kif, raise him up about nipple-high.
Nixon: Come on, Brannigan, stuff yourself into a uniform. We've gotta get off this planet before the bomb goes off.
Leela: Bomb? What bomb?
Zapp: The one we had the doctors implant in that gullible Bender robot.
Nixon: Zapp. Zapp!
Zapp: Hm?
Nixon: Inspect the troops later. It's time to activate the bomb.
Kissenger: Now, as for economic co-operation-
Bender: Whoa! Scuse me.
P.A. Announcer: Attention All personnel evacuate the planet immediately. And not just because it's meat loaf night.
Zapp: Come along, Lemon, before this whole dump blows up.
Leela: Uh, Commander? Could you tell me when the bomb is exploding?
Zapp: Of course, my significant soldier. The bomb is voice-activated. It will detonate the instant the robot unwittingly speaks a certain word.
Fry: What's the word, uh, sir?
Zapp: It's the one word the robot uses more than any other. We got it from this convenient database of his 10 most frequently-used words. Number 10, chump; number nine, chumpette; number eight, yours; number seven, up; number six, pimpmobile; number five, bite; number four, my ... ... number three, shiny; number two, daffodil. And Bender's number one most frequently-uttered word, the word which, if uttered, will blow up this entire planet Ass.
Fry: We don't have long!
Brain Ball #1: We demand bouncing, followed by rolling, followed by rolling of the third type.
Kissenger: Say what?
Bender: My chair's too hard. It's a real pain in the, uh, whattya call it? Lower back! Yeah, that whole region.
Fry: OK, I gotta break down that gate, beat up those three guards, steal that chopper and rescue Bender.
Leela: Hi-yah!
Fry: Hey, I did it! Wait, that's not me.
Leela: Come on! We gotta save Bender.
Fry: You wanna save him too, Lemon? You barely know him.
Leela: Fry, don't you recognise me?
Fry: Hermes?
Zapp: Lee? When will I see you again? The two of you are good friends? But I thought we would be good friends. Well, let's see how friendly you get when you're sharing a prison cell!
Leela: Hey, Zapp!
Zapp: Leela!
Fry: Leela!
Zapp: So it's you I've been attracted to! Oh, God, I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman.
Leela: Let's do it again sometime.
Brain Ball #2: The Elders tell of a young ball much like you. He bounced three metres in the air. Then he bounced 1.8 metres in the air. Then he bounced four metres in the air. Do I make myself clear?
Kissenger: Mr. Ambassador, our people tell the same story. Oy.
Bender: These balls are making me testy. If they don't stop bouncing and jiggling, I swear I'm gonna shove this treaty up their- Wait a second. Where do you shove things up a ball?
Kissenger: This isn't a productive area of discussion.
Leela: We're here. I followed the bouncing balls. I'll keep the chopper at a safe altitude while you parachute down.
Fry: OK, my best friend's life is at stake. I can finally prove that I'm not a coward. Will you push me?
Leela: I already did!
Fry: Thank you! At last, war has made me into a man.
Kissenger: Please, gentlemen, we must put an end to the bloodshed. We have all seen too many body bags and ball sacks.
Brain Ball #1: We cannot condone bouncing of the seventh variety.
Bender: Enough of this crap! I'm catching the next pimpmobile outta here! But before I go I have one thing to say. Bite my shiny metal-
Fry: Stop! You can't say the next word.
Bender: Up yours, chump, I said it 906 times before lunch.
Fry: Bender, if you say the A-word, you'll blow this planet straight to the H-word!
Kissenger: Young man, you have the bravery of a hero and breath as fresh as a summer ham. What? What is funny?
Bender: Bender's got the upper hand now. The name of the game is "Make Bender Happy Or He Blows Up The Planet". I'd rather die and take everybody with me than sit here one more minute listening to these idiots talk about bouncing!
Brain Ball #1: Please, stay calm. There's no need to bounce of the handle.
Bender: That's it, I'm saying it! "A" is for-
Brain Ball #1: Wait, stop! We give in to all of Earth's demands. The war is over. Our home planet is yours.
Fry: Alright! Hey, wait a minute! This is your home planet? We're the evil, invading aliens?
Brain Ball #2: Correct.
Bender: Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson Don't mess with Earth.
Brain Ball #1: May you bounce in peace.
Bender: Get the hell off my planet.
Farnsworth: Well, that's it. Let's reactivate him. Wake up!
Bender: Hey, chumps and chumpettes. Did you get the bomb out? Can I go back to saying the word I love to say?
Zoidberg: I'm sorry but we couldn't remove it.
Farnsworth: It's stuck in there with glue or something, I don't know.
Bender: Well, this is just great! What's the point of living if I can't say "ass"? Hey, I didn't blow up! Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass! Alright! I'm back in the saddle!
Leela: We couldn't disarm the bomb so we reset the word that triggers it.
Amy: It's from the list of words you almost never say.
Bender: That's using your ass. So, what's the word?
Hermes: We think it's better if you don't know.
Bender: Oh, come on. I'm not gonna say it. Please? Ooh, is it "please"?
Fry: No.
Bender: Hm, words I never say. Oh, I know! "Thanks"!
Leela: Bender, stop trying to destroy the world.
Bender: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Is it "sorry"? No. "Fun-derful"? Uh, "non-alcoholic"?
Amy: Quit it!
Fry: Bender!
Hermes: Stop it, mon!
Zoidberg: Enough already!
Bender: "Compassion"? "Shrimptoast"? "Antiquing"? I'm alright!


Doctorbot: Notify his survivors.
Bender: B-E-N-D-E-R! Be-ender! B-E-N-D-E-R! Be-ender! Sayin' B-E-N-D-ER-
Hermes: Mail call! Amy, here's your designer lingerie catalogue. Fry, Sadie's Bra Parade and, Leela, Bulk Underpants Outlet.
Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
Hermes: And for Bender- Uh-oh! A black-bordered envelope.
Amy: Oh, no! Someone you know must've died.
Bender: I hope it was one of my enemies; those guys suck! Oh, no! My uncle Vladimir.
Fry: Oh, I'm sorry, Bender. When's the funeral?
Bender: Tomorrow, at the family castle. Followed by the reading of his will. Well, I'm rich. Goodbye, losers, whom I've always hated! C'mon, it'll be fun!
Bender: Uh, pardon me, my good simpleton. Could you take us to yon castle?
Robot #1: Some say unholy things happen up there.
Robot #2: For example All of us say that.
Farnsworth: Fuf! Superstitious robot mumbo-jumbo.
Robot #2: Mumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not! With all your modern science are you any closer to understanding the mystery of how a robot walks or talks?
Farnsworth: Yes, you idiot. The circuit diagram is right here on the inside of your case.
Robot #2: I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.
Robot #2: I will go this far and no further.
Preacherbot: I now commend Vladimir's remains to the earth. Filings to filings; rust to rust.
Execu-Tor: To my loyal butler, You There, for his decades of service, I leave a pittance, to be paid in 20 equal instalments of one-twentieth of a pittance each. To my lazy, spoiled son, Tandy, who never learned the value of a dollar, I leave my entire $10 million fortune.
Tandy: Is that a lot?
Execu-Tor: And to my loving nephew, Bender, assuming he's not responsible for my death, I leave my castle.
Bender: Yes! Let's stay there tonight.
Execu-Tor: On condition that he spend one night within its walls.
Bender: Oh, man, there's always a catch!
Bender: Ah! I got a good vibe from this place Nice long dinner table, quiet, well-behaved spiders, graveyard-adjacent. Yep! It's gonna be-
Leela: What is it?
Bender: That painting, the eyes are watching me!
Farnsworth: Hmm. It has motor eye sensors attached to motion detectors.
Bender: So does my butt, but I don't frame it and put it on the wall! Although- What's that?
Zoidberg: I don't know, but it's infectious!
Bender: No doubt about it, this place is haunted.
Hermes: Don't be silly, mon. The last ghost died over 200 years ago.
Bender: The last human ghost. But robot ghosts?
Leela: 0101100101. What does it mean?
Bender: It's just gibberish. 1010011010?
Bender: Uncle Vladimir!
Vladimir-Ghost: Come, Bender. You'll like being dead!
Bender: That's what they said about being alive.
Robot Ghosts: Join us! Join us! Join us, Bender!
Farnsworth: Just as I suspected. These robots were buried in improperly-shielded coffins. Their programming leaked into the castles wiring through this old, abandoned modem allowing them to project themselves as holograms.
Hermes: Of course! It was so obvious!
Farnsworth: Yes, that sequence of words I said made perfect sense. We really should tell Bender there's nothing to be afraid of.
Bender: Nooo!
Fry: Bender, wake up! He's OK! Quick, does anyone have any liquor?
Leela: Bender, what happened?
Bender: Somebody tried to run me over. And not with a normal hover-car. It crept along the ground on round, rubber feet, like a wolf!
Fry: Poor Bender, you're seeing things. You've been drinking too much, or too little, I forget how it works with you. Anyway, you haven't drunk exactly the right amount.
Amy: Maybe he has. Look at these tracks.
Leela: I think Bender may be telling the truth.
Zoidberg: Bender, you look awful. I prescribe make-up. Here. It just so happens I have my Mary Kay sample case!
Bender: Ah, I just need sleep. I had nightmares all night about cars running people over.
Zoidberg: Many people dream of a fresh, new look. And Mary Kay can make those dreams come true.
Leela: Look at this. They found those same rubbery tracks right here in New New York. There was a hit-and-run by the robot porno theatre.
Bender: Robot porno theatre? I was in that ... general area last night. Whoever ran me down out on the moors must've followed me back here.
Hermes: Bender, mon, no one's trying to run you over. Stop being a big, hallucinating baby.
Bender: Yeah? Could a big, hallucinating baby do this I scared!
Vandal #1: I don't know which I like more Smashing cars or smashing faces.
Vandal #2: Well, lucky you don't gotta decide tonight. Now come on, we got church tomorrow. Did you hear something?
Vandal #1: Ah, it was probably just a golden marmoset.
Vandal #2: That don't sound like no golden marmoset I ever heard.
Vandal #1: Made it!
Vandal #2: So anyway, what're you wearing tomorrow?
Bender: Where-? What the-? Transmission fluid? Where have I been? What happened?
Sal: Gets outta here, yous lousy bum!
Bender: Please, I'm scared.
Sal: We're all scared, it's the human condition. Why do you thinks I put on this tough-guy facade? Now beat it!
Bender: I passed out around midnight, which is much earlier that usual, and when I woke up I found these in my chest cabinet.
Fry: Aw, relax, buddy. You were probably just shooting some big, fuzzy craps.
Bender: No, I think I may have hurt someone. Oh, Lord! I'm on the verge of a nervous meltdown.
Fry: Jeez, Bender, you're scaring me. You're going wacko!
Bender: You're right, I need professional help. And damn the expense.
Bender: Damn the expense!
Gypsy: My friend, you have nothing to worry about. Except a nightmare-ish life of unremitting horror!
Bender: Phew!
Gypsy: For, you see, you are a were-car.
Bender: A were-car?
Gypsy: The car that ran you down on the moors was also a were-car. It beamed a virus to you through its demonic headlights.
Leela: That's crazy!
Gypsy: Yes. So crazy that it must be true! Each midnight, when your clock resets to zero, your hardware reconfigures into a murderous, four-wheeled car.
Bender: I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough to get away with it. Can't you help me?
Gypsy: Yes. But you must be willing to pay a terrible price.
Bender: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gypsy: Follow me.
Gypsy: According to this ancient read-me file, your only hope is to destroy the original were-car.
Bender: I'm with you.
Gypsy: In its death throes, the dread car will beam out the virus's uninstall program, thus ridding you of the curse.
Bender: And otherwise I can never die?
Gypsy: Who said that? Sure you can die. You want to die?
Bender: No! I wanna live! There's still too many things I don't own!
Gypsy: Then live on, forever cursed. Each night, your attacks will become more gruesome until, one dark night, you are doomed to kill your dearest friend.
Fry: I wouldn't wanna be me right now.
Gypsy: Now go! Go! Uh, could one of you just- Ah, forget it. I'll just sleep here.
Leela: There. No rampaging for you tonight.
Bender: Wouldn't it make sense to weld everyone except me to the wall?
Leela: Just relax, Bender. Tomorrow we'll pry you down, have a nice breakfast and then go hunt down and slaughter that ancient evil.
Fry: It'll be a rich, full day.
Leela: Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month and freeze them.
Fry: Bender, no!
Leela: Fry, stay back!
Fry: You jerk. I thought I was your best friend. What kind of two-timing kill-mobile are you?
Fry: I can't believe this! Bender is supposed to murder his closest friend, which I thought was me. But he went straight for you. He didn't even try to second-degree murder me.
Leela: Could you give me some help? I think Bender crushed my foot.
Fry: Stop rubbing it in!
Bender: Oh, God! Fry, I'm so glad to see you. I didn't hurt you, did I?
Fry: Not physically. But why don't you ask your new best friend, Leela?
Bender: I tried to run you over?
Leela: It was very sweet of you, Bender.
Bender: Fry, it doesn't mean anything. I have love enough for two.
Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter, orange wax in my ears.
Leela: Enough with the feelings, you two. If we're gonna cure Bender we've got to go back to the castle and hunt down the original were-car.
Fry: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Leela: Cursed, got it.
Bender: Whatever.
Leela: The tracks lead here.
Fry: Thanks, eagle eye.
Leela: Now it's daylight, so he should be in robot form. But be careful Many robots are stupid and violent.
Bender: I wish I was stupid and violent. Then we'd see what's what, I'd pound him till-
Yokelbot: Get ye to your houses, ye ignorant villagers.
Leela: We are not ignorant villagers, we're sophisticated New New Yorkers. Whup his butt!
Yokelbot: Stop! What are ye doing?
Bender: We're whaling on the original were-car, which is you, you jerk.
Yokelbot: Ye think me be he?
Bender: Sí.
Yokelbot: Nee. I mean, "no". I was given the curse many a year ago while on a bird-watching trip to the Arctic...
Yokelbot: I was attacked by a vicious, motorised sled. The natives called it "The Abominable Snowmobile".
Inuitbot: Yes, it's true. I ran over that bird-watching jerk and a hundred others. Even my best friend from aromatherapy school.
Fry: I once had a best friend who liked to smell things with me.
Inuitbot: Alas, I'm afraid I'm not the original were-car. I received the curse while taking a learning annex class from a famous robot actor.
Inuitbot: You know him as Calculon.
Calculon: Oh, fate most cruel, would that my boundless acting skills would avail me a sword with which to slay this wretched curse.
Bender: Let's kick him some more.
Calculon: No, wait, let me explain. It all began one fateful night a thousand years ago.
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You're a thousand years old? Your bio says you're 27!
Calculon: Lies! I change my identity and upgrade my appearance every few decades to avoid suspicion. I was all of history's great acting robots Acting Unit 0.8, Thespo-mat, David Duchovny!
Fry: Look, are you the original were-car or not?
Calculon: No, but you are nearing the end of your search. For, you see, I was attacked by the original were-car.
Bender: Give us a name, MacButt!
Calculon: The year was 2019, and I was just a lowly robot arm...
Calculon: ...working in an automotive research lab. I was working on Project Satan ... ... a savage, intelligent military vehicle built from the most evil parts of the most evil cars in all the world. The steering wheel from Hitler's staff car, the left-turn signal from Charles Manson's VW, the windshield wipers from that car that played Knight Rider.
Fry: Knight Rider wasn't evil.
Calculon: His windshield wipers were. It didn't come up much in the show though. Anyway...
Calculon: Only after bringing Project Satan to life did they discover they had made a horrible mistake. For, you see, it was pure evil.
Leela: So what happened to Project Satan?
Calculon: It's either in Paris, or much more likely...
Calculon: ...still in the abandoned automotive lab.
Leela: You guys distract the were-car and I'll kill it by plugging its exhaust pipe with this silver potato.
Bender: Psst, there it is.
Leela: It looks so unhappy. Excuse me? Are you Project Satan? Don't be afraid. We know what you are.
Project Satan: You do?
Leela: Would you like us to ... put you out of your misery?
Project Satan: Misery? What misery? I love killing people! Squishing them till their organs squirt out like chunky mustard.
Bender: Look, everyone loves killing people, but I don't wanna hurt my friends.
Leela: Oh, no! It's midnight.
Bender: Hey, this is starting to feel pretty good!
Leela: Fry, distract him.
Fry: Hey, Project Satan! Over here! I'm a blind pedestrian! 20 points!
Leela: Oh, no! There's no exhaust pipe!
Project Satan: That's right! Thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s electric motor, the most evil propulsion system ever conceived! Take whichever one you want.
Bender: Oh, boy! I feel like a car in a candy store!
Fry: Yes! He chose me! He's trying to kill me! Leela, I'm so happy! Oh, thanks, Bender. Too tight! Too tight!
Leela: Whoa!
Bender: Uh-oh.
Leela: Bender, you're cured! But what happened to Fry?
Bender: I must've killed him. He's my best friend and I killed him. I never felt so empty inside.
Fry: Bender, I'm alive! You didn't hurt me at all. But I know you wanted to, and that's what matters. Here's to you.
Bender: Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard. I'll kill you!
Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy. I'll kill you too!


Fry: Giant Space Robot, this is Captain Fry of the USS Planet Express Ship. We come in peace.
Bender: Tough luck!
Fry: Well, we destroyed the toy spaceship. Now what are we gonna do?
Bender: Hey, look! The keys to the real spaceship.
Fry: Do you think we should?
Bender: Yes, I do.
Farnsworth: Leela, have you seen the keys to the spaceship?
Leela: I must've left them onboard.
Farnsworth: Eh, wha? I mean, what?
Leela: Relax. The ship's not going anywhere. I anchored it with the unbreakable diamond tether.
Amy: Oh, no!
Hermes: Sweet ghost of Babylon.
Zoidberg: This isn't good for Zoidberg!
Fry: Woo, yeah!
Bender: Woo-hoo!
Bender: Hey, Fry, I'm steering with my ass!
Fry: That's the best thing I ever saw!
Italian #1: You stink!
Italian #1: Alright, yeah!
Italian #2: We like you a lot!
Fry: That was great!
Bender: And no one suspects a thing! Whoa! And that's how we learned our lesson!
Farnsworth: You've gone too far this time - all three of you!
Leela: What did I do?
Farnsworth: You left the keys in the ignition. I mean, look at those two. Wasn't it obvious what would happen?
Fry: Yeah, Leela.
Bender: We're all very disappointed in you.
Farnsworth: I should fire you three right now, but I'm just not that cold-hearted.
Hermes: You're all fired.
Zoidberg: Goodbye, friends. I'll miss you. Good riddance to them. Now Zoidberg is the popular one!
Farnsworth: Yes, yes! Let's all talk to Zoidberg.
Amy: Hey, Dr. Zoidberg, I've been thinking, do you think we could go out?
Farnsworth: So, Zoidberg, what's new?
Hermes: Tell me, Zoidberg Is it carapace or carapass?
Zoidberg: Oh, you know!
Fry: What are we supposed to do for money? All I've got is my frequent taffy eater's card, my first moustache ... ... and this picture of me and my old girlfriend, Michelle, and that ski instructor she was just friends with.
Bender: Pardon me, brother. Care to donate to the Anti-Mugging-You Fund? Ow!
Leela: We don't need to beg, Bender. For God's sake, we're not veterans!
Fry: Well, what do you suggest? A daring daylight robbery of Fort Knox on elephant-back? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!
Leela: No, we can get jobs.
Bender: But we just had jobs!
Leela: Fortunately, I still have our old career chips.
Fry: Our what?
Leela: Career chips. You remember? They assign you the job you're best at. I tried to give you one and you ran away. It's how we met!
Fry: And then what happened?
Leela: Just give me your hand.
Fry: Ow!
Leela: Baby! Ow!
Leela: I'd like to reapply for my old job Counselling defrostees and assigning them careers.
Ipgee: Oh, I was hoping you would come back! I even saved your poster of a chimp expressing your distaste for Mondays.
Leela: Monday Monkey lives for the weekend, sir.
Ipgee: Just put your hand under the scanner so I can verify your career chip. Calcutta, we have a problem.
Leela: Delivery boy? I must have mixed up the chips. It's a simple mi-
Ipgee: Oh, here's a cryogenic counsellor! Do you like Mondays?
Fry: They're OK.
Ipgee: Then we'll have to redecorate your office. How do you feel about it helping to be crazy to work here but not being necessary?
Bender: Hey, let's see what it says about me.
Ipgee: Welcome aboard, sir.
Terry: Remember, when the tube opens, say ... ... "Welcome to the world of tomorrow!"
Fry: Hey, I was frozen. I think I know what people wanna hear when they first wake up. Bathroom's that way.
Fry: So, while you're on the Probulator, tell me what brings you to the future.
Man: Oh, well, I wanted to meet Shakespeare and I figured that time was cyclical.
Fry: Nope. Straight line. Ah, the Probulator's done.
Man: That wasn't so bad.
Fry: Oh, wait, it hasn't started yet. OK, it's about to start.
Bender: Welcome to the future, human slave. Ah, relax, chum. I'm not really a giant fly! I'm a horrible robot! Kill all humans!
Terry: Dear God! He's having a heart attack!
Bender: Ah, they'll probably find a cure for that in the future.
Terry: We have a cure for it now!
Bender: Oh, good. Then you won't mind if I use this.
Fry: Nothing like a power nap.
Old Man: Oh, flies! Flies and gorillas!
Bender: Stay beautiful, doll-face! That Probulator sure knows how to please a man. So, what's for lunch?
Fry: I ordered a pizza.
Leela: Pizza delivery for ... Icy Wiener. Yeah, very funny. Now cough up the $12.95.
Fry: Sorry, but if it's not here in half an hour, it's free.
Leela: It's only been 23 minutes.
Fry: Well, uh, I've got 33 minutes.
Chef: It's only been a-23 minutes, you dumb a-cannoli. You got a problem, we can take it outside.
Fry: OK, I'll fight the box. I think I can take him.
Leela: Fry, just pay me. I still owe 30 bucks on this uniform.
Chef: 35, you stupid meatball.
Bender: Who should be unfreeze next?
Fry: No. No! Oh, my God! It's Pauly Shore!
Bender: Alright!
Fry: Mr. Shore, I loved you in Bio-Dome. You sure caused some trouble in that bubble!
Shore: Rest assured, if it rhymes, I can cause trouble in it.
Fry: Hey, now that you're in the future, you can go live in an actual bio-dome!
Shore: An unattractive prospect. While researching for the role, I ran computer simulations demonstrating, incontrovertibly, that the whole bio-enclosure concept is fundamentally flawed. Be it expressed via dome, sphere, cube or even a stately tetrahedron, buddy!
Fry: Oh. So, how did you wind up getting frozen?
Shore: Well, while filming Encino Man my intellectual curiosity re cryogenics was peaked, and I resolved to freeze the weasel.
Fry: The weasel?
Shore: Hey, listen, skippy. I was supposed to be unfrozen in Hollywood for the thousandth anniversary screening of Jury Duty II. How come I'm not there?
Fry: I woke you up early so we could hang out and do stuff.
Shore: Like what?
Fry: I love this job.
Bender: Me too.
Fry: Showtime! I'll pretend to be dying of space plague.
Bender: Boo?
Fry: Michelle!
Bender: Oh, my God!
Michelle: Fry? Is it really you?
Fry: I don't know. Is it really you?
Michelle: What do you mean you don't know? Are you you or not?
Fry: Who wants to know?
Michelle: Oh, Fry, it is you!
Fry: I don't get it, Michelle. The last time I saw you, you were doing great. You had just dumped me and you were well on your way to getting you life back on track. Why'd you freeze yourself?
Michelle: Oh, Fry. After you left, things took a turn for the worse. I got married.
Fry: I'm sorry.
Michelle: His name was Charles. He attended a law school so prestigious the basketball team was coached by Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I put him through law school by working as a dog walker for antisocial dogs.
Fry: Sorry.
Michelle: But soon after Charles graduated, our marriage ran into difficulties.
Fry: Uh, sorry.
Michelle: Desperately depressed, I turned to the one thing that could lessen my pain A carnival. Unfortunately, a corn dog bone got lodged in the control panel of the Spizzler, and I had to ride it for eight hours.
Fry: Sorry.
Michelle: But it did give me a chance to think...
Fry: I'm sorry.
Michelle: And I remembered the last time I was truly happy; when I was with you.
Fry: Aww. So you froze yourself to come look for me?
Michelle: No, I did it to get a fresh start. I didn't know what had happened to you - no one did. The police were going to conduct a search but your parents felt it was a waste of taxpayer money.
Fry: That's the same reason they kept me out of school. So, no one even cared that I was gone?
Michelle: Not really. Except for one person.
Fry: Who was it?
Michelle: Everything is so different.
Fry: Not everything. There's still a roach problem.
Michelle: Ew!
Michelle: Eurgh.
Fry: Nowadays, people aren't interested in art that's not tattooed on fat guys.
Sal: I'm on loan from the Louvre.
Leela: Please, Professor. Give us our jobs back. We deserve another chance.
Bender: Yeah, and if you won't give me another chance, perhaps you'd give one to ... ... Og, gorilla emperor of Earth!
Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Og, but I've got a new crew.
Farnsworth: So, how was delivery to Fantasy Planet, where everyone's fantasies come to life?
Amy: Great!
Hermes: Organised!
Zoidberg: For one beautiful night, I knew what it was to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honoured.
Farnsworth: You see, Og? Everything's running smoothly, yes. And with Fry fired, I can finally leave my jigsaw puzzles out without him eating the pieces.
Leela: Forget about Fry. You can hire us back and he'd never have to know.
Fry: Hey, guys.
Leela: Oh, uh, hey, Fry!
Bender: So, as Leela was saying, Fry can go shove a big, old- Ow!
Fry: I'm glad you're all here. I wanted to introduce you to my on-again-off-again girlfriend of the past thousand years, Michelle. Michelle, this is Leela. This is Bender. The Professor. Hermes and Amy.
Michelle: Nice to meet you.
Fry: And this is Dr. Zoidberg.
Hermes: Dating you ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect?
Fry: All what?
Farnsworth: This can only end badly, Fry. Kids, a house-
Bender: A home invasion by a former roommate.
Fry: But things are different this time. Before, she was demanding and possessive. But now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
Zoidberg: There you go, dearies.
Michelle: It's a relief to meet you, Amy. I'm just having a hard time adjusting to all the strange stuff here in the future.
Amy: I'm from Mars.
Michelle: I feel so out of place here. I don't understand why Fry fits in so well.
Leela: Probably because he didn't fit in back in your time.
Michelle: That's true. But I used to fit in really well.
Zoidberg: Then good luck, sister.
Michelle: Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but your friends are a bunch of freaks.
Fry: Yeah, they're great, huh?
Michelle: I just don't belong here. I don't know anyone, I can't find a vanishing cream that doesn't make me actually vanish. I don't even have a job.
Fry: Oh, right. I was supposed to assign you a job. Let me just get your career chip installed. Hold out your palm. What are you scared of? It's just like getting your hand pierced.
Michelle: This world is horrible. Let's start over, Fry. We'll go someplace where all we have is each other.
Fry: Ooh, romantic. I'll tell Bender to meet us there.
Michelle: It's not a "there". It's a "then". The future.
Fry: Whoa, whoa, girl. I thought you were talking about one of those motels where the bed is shaped like stuff.
Michelle: I love you. Don't you love me?
Fry: Well, sure. To the extent a man can love a woman. But this seems like a big step.
Michelle: Fry, why must you analyse everything with your relentless logic? Nothing matters but our love.
Fry: You're right. Let's do this now and let's never regret it.
Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this. But I both rue and lament it.
Fry: The year 4000 is severely disappointing. I miss the year 3000 when life was simple and brains flew through space and everyone ate lasers.
Michelle: It's not that bad. Fate brought us together and now fate brought us here.
Fry: No, you brought us here.
Michelle: Whine some more, Fry, I really find that attractive in a man. Now come on, build us a shelter.
Fry: Alright, fine. Everything else sucks. At least we can have a nice place to live.
Fry: There!
Michelle: You expect me to live in a tiny little hole?
Fry: It'd be deeper, but I'm standing on a gopher.
Michelle: Oh, look! Some little kids.
Fry: They'll save us. We're saved!
Butch: I'm Butch, leader of this place. I took your hole and you can't do nothing about it.
Michelle: OK.
Fry: Mighty sir, we have nowhere to go. Could we please join your society?
Butch: Well, alright. But no interfering with our grand works.
Fry: I tell you, that Butch runs a pretty good civilisation. I think I'll enjoy serving under him.
Michelle: You know your problem, Fry? You're not ambitious. You should be chief.
Fry: What do I need, ulcers?
Michelle: But I want power. I'm tired of the chief's girlfriend lording it over me with her fancy coyote hide.
Fry: Alright, alright. If it'll make you happy, I'll overthrow society.
Butch: On what grounds do you challenge my authority?
Fry: Well, I'm older than you. I can beat you up.
Kid #1: Yeah, I'll bet he could.
Butch'S Girlfriend: He's got arm hair.
Butch: Alright, grandpa. There's only one way to settle this Death rolling!
Fry: What's death rolling?
Orowheat: It's like skateboarding.
Ice-V: Except half the time, someone dies.
Fry: Oh, so it's a little safer than skateboarding.
Butch: Last one holding the bandana's the new leader.
Michelle: My mother always said you were a loser, Fry. Now get out there and prove her wrong.
Fry: Beth said that?
Butch'S Girlfriend: Achat, shtayim, shalosh!
Butch: It's cool. Back off! My knee. I scraped it!
Fry: Aww. Poor little guy. Let me just take a look at- Aha! I won! I'm the new chief! I'm the tallest and I weigh the most!
Butch: Hand it over, you giant idiot.
Butch'S Girlfriend: Hey, Butch, your mom's here.
Butch: Aw, man.
Butch'S Mom: Come on, kids. You're late for Hebrew school.
Orowheat: I don't wanna go.
Butch'S Girlfriend: Every Monday and Wednesday's the same thing.
Fry: I find this post-apocalyptic wasteland very confusing. Seriously, I'm weirded out.
Michelle: That's because you're a loser. You were a loser in the year 2000 and you're a loser in the year 4000.
Fry: Yeah, but in the year 3000, I had it all. Several friends, a low-paying job, a bed in a robot's closet. I envied no man. But you wrecked everything.
Michelle: Quit standing up for yourself, Fry. When we get back to the hole we are going to have a long, boring talk about our relationship!
Fry: Oh, yeah? Well, listen to this I'm leaving you.
Fry: There must be people somewhere.
Fry: Yes! Footprints! And hand prints? But? What's happening?
Leela: Fry, thank God we found you.
Fry: Leela? What are you guys doing here in the year 4000?
Leela: It's not the year 4000.
Bender: You were only frozen for two days. Uh, by the way, I broke your bed.
Farnsworth: You were in Pauly Shore's tube and they were delivering it to his movie screening.
Leela: But, when they noticed you weren't him, they chucked you in a ditch.
Fry: So you're saying these aren't the decaying ruins of New York in the year 4000?
Farnsworth: You wish! You're in Los Angeles!
Fry: But there was this gang of 10-year-olds with guns.
Leela: Exactly, you're in L.A.
Fry: But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other.
Bender: That's L.A. for you.
Fry: But the air is green and there's no sign of civilisation whatsoever.
Bender: He just won't stop with the social commentary.
Fry: And the people are all phoneys. No one reads. Everything has cilantro on it- Michelle, baby!
Michelle: It's not working out, Fry.
Shore: Tis better to have loved and lost, n'est ce-pas?
Fry: That's it. I've had it with women. From now on, I'm concentrating on my career. Can I have my old job back?
Farnsworth: Why, I've forgotten why I even fired you.
Bender: 'Cause he destroyed your business, your home and all your possessions.
Farnsworth: Oh, that's right. Get lost!


Hermes: People, we got a problem Little Nibbler's been coughing up hairballs.
Leela: Well, so has Fry. What's the big deal?
Fry: He's got me beat!
Hermes: Now we all love Nibbler, so it's only fair that we all pitch in and clean it up together. Still, I propose we make Zoidberg do it. All in favour?
Leela: Yeah!
Bender: Alright, yup.
Hermes: All opposed? All abstaining?
Leela: Dr. Zoidberg? Are you OK?
Fry: He's dead.
Bender: What?
Amy: Oh, no!
Farnsworth: He always seemed so full of life; laughing, singing, begging for scraps. And now this.
Zoidberg: Why with all the crying? So that's where I left my shell.
Leela: I didn't know you could take this thing off.
Zoidberg: It was starting to get a little cramped in there so I molted, why not? Ah, the fresh air feels good!
Farnsworth: Stop doing that!
Zoidberg: So long. I'm off to toss this old shell in the dumpster and maybe pick up those potato chips Amy didn't finish yesterday.
Amy: Those were toenail clippings.
Zoidberg: A feast is a feast.
Amy: Hey, that's my cellphone!
Amy: Hello? Hello? Who is this? Hello? Hello?
Leela: What's wrong? Did you swallow your phone again?
Amy: Some guy's been calling and hanging up 10 times a day for a year.
Leela: Men who call too much are the worst ... I bet.
Amy: I just wish a decent guy would call me instead of this spleeze-ball who has me too terrified to even answer the phone. Hello?
Amy: Hello? Is anyone there?
Kif: I love you. Why must I be such a coward?
Zapp: Kif, I'm headed to the men's room and I'll be needing an attendant, so- Oh, I'm sorry. You're crying like a woman. It's alright. I've always thought myself as a father figure to some of my more pathetic men. Kif, old friend, let's rap.
Kif: Well, I'm in love with this girl-
Zapp: Oh, that's rich! Go on.
Kif: I met her a year ago...
Kif: ...when we were escaping from that cruise ship you piloted directly into a black hole.
Zapp: Yes! It was in all the papers.
Amy: Call me.
Zapp: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Mm-hmm, uh-huh.
Kif: I've finished talking, sir.
Zapp: Belay that remark! Your Amy knows my Leela? I have formed an idea!
Zapp: I'm calling to negotiate a double date. You and me, Kif and Amy.
Leela: Forget it.
Zapp: Then let the negotiations begin. I propose we go out on 10 dates.
Leela: How about zero?
Zapp: Nine.
Leela: Zero.
Zapp: Seven.
Leela: Zero.
Zapp: Eight?
Amy: Please, Leela? Kif's like the sweetest guy who's ever liked me.
Zapp: Five, and that's my final offer ... four.
Leela: One.
Zapp: Two.
Leela: One half.
Zapp: I'll take it.
Zapp: We'll meet you tonight for part of dinner and the first half of a movie.
Kif: Um, sir? I don't go out on many dates and, um, what if I can't think of anything to say?
Zapp: Here's my personal book of pickup lines. Say as many of them as you can as fast as you can. Don't stop for any reason.
Kif: Maybe I'll just give her these flowers.
Zapp: Wrong, wrong, wrong! And what's that? Candy? Candy's for dorks! Give me that. Mmm!
Zapp: Hello, beautiful. I got these for you.
Leela: Thanks.
Zapp: Well, well. This looks to be one disturbingly erotic date.
Leela: Half-date.
Zapp: Waiter, bring us a bottle of wine.
Leela: Half-bottle.
Zapp: And some oysters on the half-shell.
Leela: Quarter-shell.
Kif: Oh, and I'd like-
Zapp: Kif's not hungry. Kif, this place is expensive. I'd like two steaks and the ladies will have some very sensual salads - with low-cal sensual dressing.
Morbo: Oh, won't you take me to funkytown, Oh, won't you take me to funkytown. (talking) Thank you.
Amy: Kif, you're so quiet. You haven't said a word all night.
Kif: Well, um, um ... hello.
Amy: 'Cause I was really hoping we could talk and stuff.
Kif: Amy, if I said you had a beautiful body would you take your pants off and dance around a little?
Amy: What?
Leela: Lieutenant Kroker!
Kif: I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies
Amy: Kif!
Kif: Oh, my!
Leela: This half-date is entirely over. Amy? Conference!
Kif: Is there nothing we can do, sir?
Zapp: There's only one sure-fire way back into a woman's heart and parts beyond. I speak, of course, of karaoke.
Kif: My years in the DOOP Boys' Chorus will not have been in vain!
Leela: Alright, enough lipstick. Let's storm out.
Kif: Once upon a time I was falling in love, But now I'm only falling apart...
Amy: Oh, that's so emotional!
Kif: There's nothing I can do, A total eclipse of the heart-
Zapp: Amateur hour's over. Let me show you why they call me "The Velour Fog"! Hit it! (spoken-word) I met her in a club down in old Soho, Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Coca-Cola, C-O-L-A ... Cola.
Man: Aw, give us a break!
Woman: Get off!
Chef: He sickens me!
Zapp: She walked up to me and she asked me to dance, I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said, (singing) Leela! L-E-E-L-A, Leela! Lee-Lee-Lee-Lee-Leela! Ba-ba-ba-dum-ba-dum-bum! Leela!
Leela: We're going home. Call us a space taxi.
Zapp: No need. There's not a restaurant built I can't fly. Where to, ladies?
Kif: Please, sir. Let's just divide up the check and-
Zapp: Let's see what this eatery can do.
Zapp: Ah, she's built like a steakhouse, but she handles like a bistro. She's out of control!
Zapp: You win again, gravity!
Zoidberg: Look what arrived My new shell catalogue. So let's try some on, already! Ah! Muy macho! Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin your drinking water!
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm Mexican and I find that offensive.
Zoidberg: You Latins are so hot-blooded! This one's like a summer guy!
Hermes: Look, you fat fish, the Planet Express health plan only covers one kind of replacement shell.
Fry: I can't believe Leela and Amy aren't back yet from their half-date. I'm gonna call the restaurant.
Operator: The number you have dialled has crashed into a planet. Please make a note of it.
Fry: We gotta go rescue them!
Bender: Eh, I don't know.
Fry: Bender! Think of the señoritas!
Bender: Vámonos!
Kif: So, Amy, um, well-
Amy: It's always a line with you!
Leela: What planet is this anyway?
Zapp: I 'unno. This whole sector is uncharted.
Kif: It is not uncharted, you lost the chart!
Zapp: Well, nothing to do now but repopulate the human race. Just me and you! And maybe you.
Amy: What is it?
Kug: Me hear people, but me not see people.
Thog: No big deal. Everybody make mistake.
Zapp: Well, hello! I usually don't say this but you are the most beautiful trio of gigantic ladies I've ever laid eyes on. I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boo-
Fry: Oh, no! Any sign of Leela or Amy?
Bender: No. But what do you make of this?
Fry: I don't know. But it might have something to do with this.
Bender: Oh, your God!
Kug: Move! Go!
Fry: Alright, here's the plan-
Bender: What kind of moronic plan is that? Wow!
Thog: Women go free. Men stay in chains.
Ornik: We take them to our leader. She know what do.
Fry: Pft. A female leader?
Leela: Fry, shut up.
Fry: Yes, Captain!
Thog: This capital city planet Amazonia.
Leela: Where are all the men in your society?
Ornik: Men die out many year ago.
Bender: With all these women around they were probably nagged to death. Are you with me, fellas?
Thog: Here stadium, where our women basketball teams play.
Kug: We no can dunk, but good fundamentals.
Ornik: That more fun to watch.
Zapp: Oh, God, you're killing me! Ow! God, you're killing me!
Thog: This our comedy club. Humour here funny in different way.
Ornik: It not reinforce stereotypes.
Kug: Comedy come from character, real situations. Not abstract craziness.
Bender: Translation Boring! That's a good one! Ow!
Amy: This women-only planet is sounding better and better.
Leela: I'm already looking for apartments.
Thog: Here live vengeful, all-knowing leader. She decide men's fate.
Fry: Is she hot?
Thog: That not important. She all-knowing.
Fry: In other words, "No". Ow!
Thog: All hail Femputer.
Kug: and All hail Femputer.
Amy: You all obey a big computer?
Kug: Yes. It appear mysteriously just about time men die out.
Leela: So why did you make it your leader?
Ornik: It seemed like different kind of politician.
Kug: Not beltway insider.
Thog: Femputer, we bring offering of bath beads and scented soaps.
Femputer: Your gift pleases Femputer. Femputer demands to know why there are men on her planet.
Fry: It was an accident, ma'am.
Femputer: That does not fempute. Femputer will return after deciding your punishment.
Fry: Leela, I'm through making fun of women. Now I want them to help me.
Amy: Should we do something?
Leela: There's no hurry.
Zapp: Yes! A little tighter. Tighter. Perhaps a hard spanking is in order? Too hard!
Kug: Men strange. You have them on your planet?
Leela: I'm afraid so.
Kug: What they for? Oh, you mean "snu-snu".
Thog: We hear tell men used for snu-snu. But all we have go on are ancient legend and subscription to Cosmo.
Zapp: Just FYI, I could be used for snu-snu.
Thog: Silence. You want die like last men visit Amazonia?
Fry: What'd they die of?
Kug: Crushed pelvises.
Fry: Yes!
Zapp: Oh, thank you, Lord in heaven!
Femputer: After lengthy femputations, I, Femputer, have decided the fate of the men. Femputer sentences them to death. By snu-snu!
Fry: Yay!
Zapp: Yeah! What are you, gay?
Femputer: Death to the men. Death by snu-snu.
Fry: Although the snu-snu part's gonna be pretty good.
Zapp: Baby, it'll blow your mind.
Leela: Femputer, be reasonable. Sure men are annoying and they wreck up whatever planet they're in charge of, but most of these men are sorta my friends. They don't deserve to die.
Femputer: Hmm. Perhaps men are not as evil as Femputer thinks.
Thog: But they make fun women's basketball.
Femputer: What? Did you explain how the women's good fundamentals make up for their inability to dunk?
Ornik: Yes. They still laugh.
Femputer: The men must die.
Bender: Too true, Femputer. You're so wise. Kill 'em all, I say. Good riddance! Did I mention I'm not a man? I'm a manbot. It's an understandable mistake. You can let me down now, thanks.
Kug: He big jerk like man.
Bender: I sure am. But check the crotch. Nothing.
Femputer: Very well, release him. As for the others, take them to the snu-snu chambers.
Bender: I'll miss you, meatbag.
Leela: Me too, meatbag.
Fry: Goodbye, friends. I never thought I would die like this. But I'd always really hoped.
Femputer: The Amazonians will be divided into three groups. The one called "Zapp" will be snu-snu'd by the large women. He that is designated "Fry" will be snu-snu'd by the petite women. And Kif, as the most attractive male, will be snu-snu'd by the most beautiful women of Amazonia. Then the large women. Then the petite women. Then the large women again. Initiate snu-snu!
Amazonians: Snu-snu, snu-snu, snu-snu!
Kif: Amy, before I die, I have to tell you I didn't mean to say those awful things on our date. They were all Zapp's idea.
Amy: Really? Honest and true?
Kif: Yes. And-And that person calling and hanging up was me. I was just too nervous to say hello because I love you.
Amy: Oh, Kif!
Thog: It Thog's first time. Be gentle!
Leela: We've got to do something. Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and reprogram it to let them go.
Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass. By biting it! Alright, I'll go!
Fry: Ooh! Yeah!
Zapp: Oh, baby!
Guard #1: How Tonk look?
Guard #2: Tonk look good. Me fat.
Guard #1: No, you look good. Tonk fat.
Femputer: Intruder! Stay away from the mighty Femputer! Guards!
Bender: Time to override the CPU and reprogram this Femputer.
Femputer: Hey, whoa, whoa! Stop it! Stop it! Hey, cut that out!
Fembot: Cease hitting Femputer!
Bender: You're no Femputer, you're a Fembot!
Fembot: It's true. I disguised myself as a Femputer so I could rule the Amazonians.
Bender: But why?
Fembot: Why? Why? I came here from a faraway planet. A planet ruled by a chauvinistic Manputer that was really a Manbot. Have you any idea how it feels to be a Fembot living in a Manbot's Manputer's world?
Bender: What?
Fembot: And now, my meddling Manbot, there's the question of what to do with you!
Zapp: We need rest. The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
Ornik: It time snu-snu!
Fry: Can't we just cuddle? Nooo!
Leela: We can't wait for Bender. It's time for a woman's touch. Yah! Hi-yah! Yah, yah, yah!
Amy: Me next snu-snu. Out me way.
Thog: Where go beautiful man? Me want snu-snu!
Amy: Kif! Jump!
Kif: My hero!
Thog: Me not get snu-snu! Get him!
Thog: Mighty Femputer. Small girl steal green kissy man. We kill her now?
Fembot: Come back later. Leave me alone.
Bender: Yeah, get lost! Ooh! I'm a scary Femputer. Release the prisoners! And bring gold. Lots of gold.
Thog: Gold? Why Femputer want gold?
Fembot: You heard the man.
Bender: C'mon! Gimme some of that!
Zoidberg: And that's how I got my new shell. It looks just like the shell I threw out yesterday and I found it in the same dumpster, but this one had a live raccoon inside. Pretty good story, eh, Hermes?
Hermes: Stick to someone else, you windy barnacle!
Leela: It's funny how the battle of the sexes was only resolved when a Manbot and a Fembot realised they loved each other.
Bender: Yeah. By the way, if she calls, I'm not here. All I know is this gold says that was the best mission ever!
Amy: It sure was.
Fry: Oh, yeah!
Zapp: I had snu-snu!
Kif: So, um, Amy, w-what do you wanna do now?


Man #1: Breaker-breaker, this here's the Duck. Uh, you wanna back off them hogs?
Man #1: Ten-four, five miles or so.
Man #2: Ten, roger!
Leela: Hmm, I'd better check the fluid levels. We're OK on Coke syrup.
Bender: Oh, man! Come on! Comin' through!
Bender: What's that black cracker?
Fry: A tomato.
Leela: You're not gonna eat a sandwich from a truck stop men's room are you?
Fry: Eh, what's the worst thing that could happen? Ugh! It's like a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up!
Trucker: Lookie there! It's one of them things like on our mud flaps!
Hoschel: Yosemite Sam?
Sal: Stands back! I'm gonna puts my moves on her. Whoas!
Fry: That jerk! No one hoots at my captain unless they're prepared to take it to the next level!
Leela: Fry, please. That's sweet but I'd rather not even dignify them with an ass-whooping!
Sal: Hey, sexy mama, let's get busy and freaky in that order!
Fry: Hey, jumbo! How would you like it if Leela said you were sexy and she wanted to make love with you?
Sal: Eh, I gots five minutes. She looks pretty good for a truck stop chick!
Fry: You take that back! She does not look good for a truck stop chick!
Sal: Yeah, you're right. She don't gots enough meat for a guy like me.
Fry: She does too! She's loaded with meat! She's got more meat than a cow! Ow!
Sal: More meat than a cow!
Fry: I can't please Leela no matter what I do. I just want her to like me.
Bender: Well there's always hope. C'mon, we gotta go fix the plasma fusion boiler.
Bender: Who are you?
Scruffy: Scruffy. The janitor.
Bender: Well why aren't you fixing the boiler?
Scruffy: Schedule conflict.
Bender: There! Fixed forever.
Scruffy: Scruffy's gonna die the way he lived. Oh, marmalade!
Zoidberg: Oh, the hypochondriac's back! So what is it this time?
Fry: Well, my lead pipe hurts a little.
Zoidberg: That's normal. Next patient.
Bender: He's a witch!
Farnsworth: Fry, did you eat anything unusual recently?
Fry: No.
Leela: What about that bathroom egg salad from the truck stop?
Fry: I've had better.
Farnsworth: Egg salad? Hmm. Zoidberg will have to examine your gastrointestinal tract. Come, everyone. Give Fry some privacy.
Farnsworth: If you can't see well enough through the two-way mirror, there'll be a close-up on this video screen.
Zoidberg: Hmm. We'll need to have a look inside you with this camera. Guess again.
Amy: Gross!
Bender: Go, man! Go!
Farnsworth: Watch for any subtle irregularity in Fry's bowel.
Amy: It's gorgeous. That place used to be a big dump.
Bender: Oh! Ew!
Amy: Worms? Ew! Puke-a-tronic!
Leela: So the eggs in that egg salad sandwich were-
Farnsworth: Correct! Worm eggs! And the mayonnaise was probably none too fresh either.
Hermes: It's nauseating, mon! Is there no way to get rid of the disgusting maggots?
Farnsworth: Only one. We'll have to travel deep inside Fry, in this!
Bender: Shotgun!
Zoidberg: Shotgun!
Farnsworth: In each gastro-survival kit, you'll find a rain slicker, a disposable fun camera, and something to protect you against bacteria - a harpoon!
Bender: Yo, old guy, why do we have to use those tiny micro-droids? Can't you just shrink us?
Farnsworth: Oh, my, no. That would require extremely tiny atoms, and have you priced those lately? I'm not made of money! Leave me alone!
Zoidberg: Me next!
Farnsworth-Droid: Anyhoo, your net suits will let you experience Fry's worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them.
Zoidberg-Droid: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.
Farnsworth-Droid: Is everyone present?
Amy-Droid: Right on!
Bender-Droid: Uh-huh.
Hermes-Droid: Definitely.
Zoidberg-Droid: Yes.
Farnsworth-Droid: Here's the plan We'll enter the ear, drip down the back of the throat and make for the bowel. There, we'll irritate the pelvic splanchnic ganglion and cause an intestinal spasm, expelling, among other things, the parasites.
Bender-Droid: I'll tell Fry to wash out, among other things, his ear.
Farnsworth-Droid: No! Fry can't know anything about the mission. If he finds out, the worms will try to defend themselves. They know everything he knows.
Bender-Droid: They know how to make ice cream soup?
Farnsworth-Droid: Leela, your role is to distract Fry so he doesn't notice what we're up to.
Leela: Can do!
Amy-Droid: Leela, you should really try a facial scrub, for your pores.
Leela: Look! A starling!
Fry: Really?
Farnsworth-Droid: Sh! Be very quiet. We're in the ear.
Amy-Droid: OK, Professor.
Farnsworth-Droid: What?
Fry: What about what?
Leela: Uh ... what if we go for a walk, possibly, because it's such a lovely day, perhaps.
Fry: I'd love to!
Hermes-Droid: We gotta get someplace where he won't stick his finger!
Bender-Droid: It's hopeless! Abandon ship!
Farnsworth-Droid: Wait! We just have to get past the eardrum.
Hermes-Droid: What are those worms doing to Fry's brain?
Farnsworth-Droid: They're giving it a complete tune-up. A cursory glance would suggest they've doubled his thinking power.
Hermes-Droid: My God! Soon he'll be smarter than Cher!
Fry: Ah, the scent of a rose. Curious how an aromatic chain of hydrocarbons can evoke our deepest emotions. For you.
Leela: That's such a beautiful thought, Fry. And what's more amazing, you expressed it without spewing crumbs at me.
Farnsworth-Droid: Brace yourselves, everyone. We're entering the interior of Fry's nose.
Bender-Droid: We're at finger alert five.
Farnsworth-Droid: Let's just pray nothing stimulates the delicate smell receptors. Nobody make a smell.
Zoidberg-Droid: Quick! We can escape through that nasal capillary into the sinus.
Hermes-Droid: Strange. Usually you don't know anything about human anatomy.
Zoidberg-Droid: I learned it from a decongestant commercial. "Soothing action, action, action, action..."
Bender-Droid: Where are we? The ass?
Farnsworth-Droid: We're in the heart. Better known as "The Love Muscle".
Zoidberg-Droid: Where the food is digested.
Farnsworth-Droid: We should be safe, just so long as nothing makes it beat faster.
Bender-Droid: Abandon ship!
Farnsworth-Droid: No! Set course for that cholesterol-encrusted valve.
Zoidberg-Droid: It's good cholesterol but it spreads like bad cholesterol!
Amy-Droid: Look! They're jazz-ercising Fry's muscles!
Hermes-Droid: He'll be as strong and flexible as Gumby and Hercules combined!
Zoidberg-Droid: Gumbercules? I love that guy!
Leela: It's that jerk from the truck stop! Let's cross the street and try to blend in with that crowd of pimps.
Fry: I don't think so. Sir, I believe you owe this lady an apology.
Leela: Fry, no! He's bulging with what could be muscles. Ooh!
Sal: I gots your apologys right heres! Sorrys, ma'am. I've learnsed a lesson about not ogling cans that I won't soons forgets.
Farnsworth-Droid: Ah, the stomach Scenic gateway to the bowel.
Bender-Droid: Abandon ship!
Farnsworth-Droid: No! Don't give up now! We're but a stone's throw from the pyloric sphincter.
Bender-Droid: Hooray!
Zoidberg-Droid: Hooray!
Hermes-Droid: We made it!
Farnsworth-Droid: There it is! The stately capitol of Fry's bowel. A heavily-guarded fortress surrounding the pelvic splanchnic ganglion.
Zoidberg-Droid: I've heard of that! Who said I haven't?
Farnsworth-Droid: If we can stimulate that nerve, the bowel will convulse, expelling the entire worm society.
Hermes-Droid: But what about the worms in the other parts of his body?
Farnsworth-Droid: Listen, this is gonna be one hell of a bowel movement. Afterwards he'll be lucky if he has any bones left!
Bender-Droid: Alright, let's mush some worms!
Worm Mayor: Worms to battle stations!
Leela: I had a great time today. The flowers, the puddle, the way you hurt that guy. But can I aks you something?
Fry: Anything.
Leela: Why did you do all that stuff?
Fry: Leela, there's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time but every time I try I get nervous and my mouth feels like it's stuffed with peanut butter, even when it's not.
Leela: What is it? Is it about Bender?
Fry: No, it's about you and me.
Leela: And Bender?
Fry: Bender's not involved. Leela ... I love you.
Leela: You do?
Fry: Yes. But it's only recently that I've been able to articulate my thoughts. I love you, Leela, and I always have.
Leela: Fry, that's the sweetest, most wonderful- Wait! Recently? Like since you ate that toilet sandwich?
Fry: Yeah! I don't know why but my life really turned around that day.
Leela: Stay here.
Waitress: Freshen your noc-a-tina?
Fry: Please. I need something to settle my stomach.
Farnsworth-Droid: The nerve is through here. Where's Zoidberg?
Zoidberg-Droid: Yippie-ki-yay! You'll never guess where I've been!
Bender-Droid: One! Two! Three!
Farnsworth-Droid: There it is! The pelvic splanchnic ganglion. Tickle it and get ready for the ride of your lives!
Leela-Droid: Don't even think about tickling that ganglion!
Farnsworth-Droid: Leela, you're just in time to help. If we don't get rid of the worms now, they'll burrow so deep into the bowel that not even Hermes' famous jerk prunes could dislodge them!
Hermes-Droid: I call it "Caribbean Drain-o"!
Farnsworth-Droid: Fry will be stuck with the worms forever.
Leela-Droid: Perfect.
Zoidberg-Droid: Ouch!
Amy: I'm OK.
Farnsworth: Leela, you ignorant dope! Now the worms will be in Fry forever.
Leela: So? Did you ever stop to think that Fry is better off with worms?
Farnsworth: Oh, that's stupid!
Fry: If anyone wants to tell me what's going on here, I'll be in the lounge.
Fry: Of all the parasites I've had over the years, these worms are among the- Hell! They are the best! Leela, how can I ever repay you for saving them?
Leela: I'll think of something.
Bender: 'Ello! What's all this then?
Fry: Apartment 1I. The old me would have made a joke about that!
Leela: I should warn you, it's a little under-furnished.
Leela: I'm thinking of having a window installed.
Fry: I think the view's perfect already!
Leela: Oh, that's the corniest thing I've ever heard! Let me show you the bedroom.
Fry: Wait. In a minute.
Leela: A holophonor? Only a few people in the whole universe can play that, and they're not very good at it.
Fry: They don't have you to inspire them.
Leela: I don't have words to say how wonderful you are, Fry. I haven't felt this happy since double-soup Tuesday at the orphanarium.
Fry: When I'm with you, every day seems like double-soup Tuesday.
Leela: Oh, Fry! I love what you've become.
Fry: What I've become.
Leela: What is it?
Fry: There's just something I have to find out.
Fry-Droid: Who controls this bowel?
Worm Guard #1: Who wants to know?
Worm Mayor: I am the Lord Mayor of Cologne.
Fry-Droid: You mean "colon"?
Worm Mayor: State your business!
Fry-Droid: Your Excellency, have you ever been in love?
Worm Mayor: No. I thought I was once but then I remember our species reproduces with a cloud of spores.
Fry-Droid: Well, a wonderful girl loves me. But I need to know if it's really me she loves, or just what you worms have made of me. That's why, with all due respect, I'm asking you to leave.
Worm Mayor: Listen, you I was born here, I raised a cloud of children here, my ancestors came over here on the sandwich. No one can make me leave.
Fry-Droid: Everyone out of my body or the brain gets it!
Worm Mayor: He's bluffing! No creature would willingly make an idiot out of itself.
Fry-Droid: Obviously you've never been in love! Ow! Ow! Ow! Now, the hand-eye co-ordination lobe.
Worm Guard #1: Stop it, man!
Worm Mayor: You've damaged your brain, Universe, but no more than a week of binge drinking or five minutes on a cell phone.
Fry-Droid: I was just working my way towards the medulla oblongata, control centre of the heart and lungs. And if I kill myself, you die with me.
Worm Guard #2: Wait a minute, man!
Fry-Droid: I hope Satan has a nice colon, 'cause that's where you're gonna be living!
Worm Mayor: Stop! We'll leave. But one day you'll be eating a fast-food burger and boom! You'll be crawling with us again. Ever wonder what makes special sauce so special? Yo!
Leela: Fry? I missed you. Did you find out what you needed to find out?
Fry: I'm about to. Leela, let me play for you one for time.
Leela: You don't have to do that. I'm still seduced from before.
Fry: Please, it's important to me.
Leela: What's that supposed to mean?
Fry: I don't know. I got nervous and I started thinking about neck bolts. Wow! Did you see that vase break? It was all like-
Leela: What's happened to you?
Fry: Nothing. I got rid of the worms.
Leela: What? Why would you do that?
Fry: Leela, I had worms. I needed to know who you loved. Me or them.
Leela: Well ... which of you wrote me that sonnet?
Fry: I did ... I think. It was probably about 50/50. But that's how I really felt about you, I swear!
Leela: I don't know.
Fry: Please. Give me a chance to be romantic on my own. I've got a baggy of massage oil, and I'm gonna give you my super back rub, just like a I used to give Amy when I was going out with her, and she always seemed- Uh-oh!
Bender: Sorry you struck out, sausage link.
Bender: If it's any consolation, my life is great! Babes! Bucks! I got it all!
Fry: Well, at least I learned Leela's a lost cause. I give up.
Bender: There you go! Goodnight. I gotta get up early to go parasailing with movie stars!


Linda: In what has become a winter tradition, members of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club today took the plunge into a river of liquid ammonia.
Morbo: There were no survivors.
Linda: Takes all kinds! And now, with his annual Xmas message, here's the head of the Xmas Safety Council, the head of Walter Cronkite.
Walter Cronkite'S Head: Season's warnings, Linda and Morbo.
Bender: This guy's too trustworthy. What's his angle?
Cronkite: In all the tinsel and terror of the holiday season we too often underestimate that murderous brute better known as Santa Claus. With images of last year's gingerbread massacre freshly baked into our memories, I remind you to bolt your doors, say goodbye to your pets and lock your children in the closet. This is Walter Cronkite saying, "I told you so".
Hermes: Sacred boa of West and Eastern Samoa. We've got to secure for Santa's arrival.
Fry: Just as well. I'm getting tired of this wood show.
Farnsworth: Cover that fireplace, confound you! I've only a few years to live. I don't wanna spend them dead.
Leela: We're pushing as hard as we can.
Bender: Oh, pushing!
Farnsworth: Oh, we're doomed! Every year we're doomed. Thanks be I had these bullet-proof shutters installed.
Farnsworth: Bring it on, Santa! That bloodthirsty cadaver junkie can't touch us as long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building.
Fry: Alright!
Leela: Yeah!
Farnsworth: In a related matter, you'll be delivering this sack of children's letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.
Fry: These letters are real butt-nutters! Listen to this one Dear Santa.
Girl: Please, please don't bring me any gifts. The bicycle you fired at me last year from your bicycle gun really tore up my insides.
Leela: Awful! Let's read some more. Dear Santa.
Boy: Please bring me a coffin for Grandpa. You choked him with a chestnut last year and he's beginning to smell a lot like Xmas if you know what I mean.
Fry: It's not fair. In my day Xmas was supposed to bring people together, not blow them apart!
Bender: Sure, but who's going to do anything about it? Certainly not us. No, sir!
Fry: Certainly yes us, uh-huh, sir! We've gotta bring back the kind of Xmas I remember.
Leela: Fry's right. It's time to sit on Santa's lap - and hard!
Leela: Oh, look! A cute little welcoming party.
Aide #1: Hey! Wanna buy a tiny little kidney?
Aide #2: I'll let you punch me for a buck.
Fry: Uh, look; we've got mail for Santa. Are you his elves?
Aide #2: We're not elves. We're Neptunians.
Aide #1: We're just shrimp-y because he doesn't feed us.
Aide #2: You hit me! You owe me a dollar.
Aide #3: Hey, you got any food? Old teabags, chewed gum, apple cores? Come on! We're starving here!
Fry: But you live in a gingerbread house.
Aide #4: Hey! It's food or shelter, not both.
Bender: You lazy runts! Don't you get paid for making the toys?
Aide #4: Who said "toys"?
Neptunians: Toys? Toys? Who said "toys"?
Aide #2: False alarm, folks! There's no reason to make toys since Santa judges everyone to be naughty.
Fry: That's it! I'm gonna deliver a gift of my boot up Santa's chimney. Where is he?
Aide #2: There! In his ice fortress.
Leela: We'll need help getting in. Any volunteers?
Aide #1: I'll help you!
Aide #2: Ah, phooey!
Aide #2: An omen?
Aide #1: Dinner!
Santa: Let's see who's been naughty, and who's been naughty! Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper for protection money. Very naughty! Shopkeeper's not paying their protection money. Exactly as naughty! I saw that! Huh?
Aide #2: We brought your mail.
Santa: Don't you ever knock? Who knows what naughty things I could be watching? I get New Orleans on this thing, you know!
Aide #2: Don't kill us!
Leela: Santa's a robot, so we should be able to destroy him with a logical paradox. Bender, you'd better cover your ears.
Santa: Holy night! Intruders!
Leela: Hold it, Santa! Consider this You are programmed to destroy the naughty, but many of those you destroy are in fact nice. I submit to you that you are naughty and, logically, you must destroy yourself.
Santa: Nice try. But my head was built with paradox-absorbing crumple-zones.
Leela: Wait! This is what we're running from!
Fry: Faster! Faster!
Fry: Why aren't we moving?
Leela: I don't know. Usually when I do stuff like this the ship moves.
Santa: Ho, ho- Eh?
Fry: He's trapped!
Aide #2: Now we can make toys again!
Neptunians: Toys! Toys! Toys!
Fry: And I can deliver them. Billions and billions in one night.
Santa: Ha! No human could do all that.
Fry: Evil Knievel could!
Santa: Nuh-uh!
Bender: Santa's right. We need some sort of robot. Aw, crap! I'm some sort of robot.
Neptunians: Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
Santa: Bender can't be Santa! He wasn't built to Yuletide specifications.
Bender: Oh, yeah? Well I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either. But that didn't stop me.
Leela: Bender!
Bender: Bow to your new Santa!
Neptunians: Our hero!
Neptunians: We are free and fairly sober, With so many toys to build.
Neptunians: The machines are kinda tricky, Probably someone will be killed, But we gladly work for nothing-
Fry: Which is good because we don't intend to pay.
All: The elves are back to work today!
Neptunians: Hooray! We have just a couple hours, To make several billion gifts, And the labour isn't easy-
Leela: Then you'll all work triple shifts, You can make the job go quicker if you turn up the controls to super-speed.
Fry: , and It's back to work on Xmas Eve!
Neptunians: Hooray!
Leela: And though you're cold and sore and ugly, Your pride will mask the pain.
Fry: Let my happy smile warm your hearts-
Aide #5: There's a toy lodged in my brain!
Neptunians: We are getting awfully tired, And we can't work any faster, And we're very, very sorry-
Bender: Why you selfish little bastards, Do you want the kids to think that Santa's just a crummy, empty-handed jerk?
Aide #6: Ow!
Bender: Then shut your yaps and back to work.
Neptunians: Now it's very nearly Xmas, And we've done the best we could,
Fry: These toys soldiers are poorly painted.
Leela: And they're made from inferior wood.
Bender: I should give you all a beating, But I really have to fly.
Santa: If I weren't stuck here frozen, I'd harpoon you in the eye.
Neptunians: Now it's back into our tenements, To drown ourselves in rye.
Leela: You did the best you could, I guess that some of these gorillas are OK.
Aide #7: We're adequate!
All: The elves have rescued Xmas Day! Hooray!
Bender: Duh! Gee, Bender, how you gonna get through these bars? I dunno, moron, suppose I bend them? Duh, OK!
Girl: Mommy! Mommy! Santa's through the perimeter!
Mrs. Grant: This is it, kids. Take your suicide pills so you won't suffer.
Bender: No, wait! I'm the good Santa. I've got toys ... at very reasonable prices!
Jeffery: Don't listen to him. He's the father of all lies and the uncle of all tricks!
Bender: But I come bearing Tri-ominos!
Mrs. Grant: Go for the shins!
Bender: One down...
Petunia: Well, hello there, handsome! Won't you have a cookie?
Bender: Uh, don't mind if I do. Ow! What's in these things?
Petunia: Why don't you slip into something more fiery?
Bender: Ow!
Kwanzaabot: Yo, Kringle! What happened to you, doll?
Bender: Oh, it's awful, Kwanzaabot. Everyone hates me.
Kwanzaabot: At least they understand you, you know what I'm sayin'? Ain't nobody down with this Kwanzaa tip.
Bender: Hey! Maybe you could lend me a hand with these deliveries.
Kwanzaabot: No time! I gotta hand out the traditional Kwanzaa book. I've been givin' these out for 647 years!
Fry: Ah! Bathtub eggnog! Just the way Grandma used to drink. Ew! It went sour!
Zoidberg: Can't I have a scented bath in peace?
Leela: Remember, Professor, Bender is Santa. So we don't need to hurt him, right?
Farnsworth: Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken mp3!
Bender: Ho, ho- Ow!
Leela: Professor! Don't you remember what I told you?
Farnsworth: No!
Bender: Oh, there's gotta be a better way.
Bender: Bender, you're a genius!
Vyolet: This creates an unrealistic standard of beauty!
Bender: Now it's time for Santa to screw open his present!
Smitty: It's Santa! And we got him cornered!
Url: Aw, I smell a juicy promotion for me.
Smitty: And a juicy re-hiring-back-onto-the-force for me!
Bailiff: This Xmas Day session of court will come to order. The Honourable Judge Whitey presiding.
Whitey: Santa Claus, you stand accused of crimes against humanity. How do you plead?
Bender: Not Santa!
Farnsworth: There he is again!
Hyper-Chicken: Now, Pramala, I know it's scary in that there witness box but t'ain't no need to fear me. I'm sorry, I thought you was corn. Now, would you please point at that robot over there. No further questions. Daddy done good, huh?
Bender: Isn't it true that you have been paid for your testimony?
Pramala: Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.
Bender: And yet you haven't said what I told you to say. How can any of us trust you?
Whitey: Quit badgering the witness!
Hyper-Chicken: Badger? Where?
Whitey: Whereas I have a ham dinner with mayonnaise waiting for me at my mansion, I find the defendant guilty. Santa Claus, I hereby sentence you to be executed at sundown.
Leela: It's not fair. I just hope that dumb chicken is ashamed of himself.
Smitty: Deactivated robot walking. We got a deactivated robot walking here.
Robot: Hey, Santa, when you see the Robot Devil, tell him I'm-a comin'!
Bender: Hey, that guy said to tell you that-
Robot Devil: I heard him!
Aide #1: Greetings, masters. My companion and I made lots of toys.
Leela: Outta my way, shrimp-oh. We're here to bring Santa back so we can prove Bender's innocent.
Santa: Do what you will. But we'll see who has the last ho.
Leela: There.
Fry: Oh, no! The ice is melting!
Leela: The pollution from the factory! It caused a greenhouse effect.
Aide #1: That would explain this heat.
Fry: And your breezy short-shorts!
Aide #2: Uh, yeah! That would explain it.
Fry: Hurry! We've gotta think of another way to save Bender or Xmas will be ruined!
Leela: Especially for Bender.
Santa: Look out, Earth. I'm dreaming of a red Xmas.
Poopenmeyer: Ah, good old Maggie! Eh? When I pull this switch, these powerful electromagnets will tear you limb-from-limb, killing you in the most humane possible manner.
Bender: But, Mr. Mayor, that doesn't sound humane.
Poopenmeyer: It is for the witnesses because it's not boring! The instant this random number generator reaches zero, you'll be executed.
Bender: Aw!
Poopenmeyer: Ten. Three. Twelve. Three again.
Leela: Stop the execution!
Bender: Leela!
Poopenmeyer: Fifteen. Negative eight.
Leela: You got the wrong Santa. And I'll prove it.
Fry: I'm Santa Claus!
Poopenmeyer: What? Twenty-seven.
Hermes: No. I'm Santa Claus.
Poopenmeyer: Six.
Amy: We're also Santa Claus.
Zoidberg: And I'm his friend Jesus!
Fry: Your Mayor-ness, if you execute him, you have to execute all of us.
Poopenmeyer: You people aren't Santa. You're not even robots! Ninety-one. How dare you lie in front of Jesus! Hey! Zero!
Bender: No! Not the magnets! Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home. Swing low, sweet...
Fry: This is horrible.
Farnsworth: But it's not boring!
Santa: Ho, ho, ho!
Poopenmeyer: My God! The real Santa! Get him, Jesus!
Zoidberg: I help those who help themselves.
Bender: Santa! You saved my life. Please don't kill me!
Santa: I'm not here to kill you, Bender! I need you to help me save Xmas.
Bender: Gee whiz, Santa! You want me to help you?
Fry: Don't do it! He's evil!
Santa: I know he is but I have no choice. I'm running late and if I don't complete my brutal rampage, well, it just wouldn't be Xmas. I guess what I'm asking is Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?
Bender: Well ... 'tis the season!
Man: My hair!
Woman: My wedding cake!
Santa: Let it snow!
Bender: Merry Xmas, kids!
Leela: This wangs chun! After all the good we tried to do, Xmas turned out as rotten as ever.
Farnsworth: No heat.
Amy: No power.
Hermes: Huddled together in fear like lice in a burning wig.
Fry: Wait a second! Maybe your futuristic Xmas isn't so rotten after all.
Leela: What are you talking about, you crouton? You said it yourself Xmas should be about bringing people together, not blowing them apart.
Fry: But don't you see? Fear has brought us together. That's the magic of Xmas!
Farnsworth: That's a big crock of- Hold me!
Bender: On, Trasher! On, Smasher! Hey, Kwanzaabot, where you off to?
Kwanzaabot: Ah, you didn't hear about it? Chanukah Zombie's having a luau at the B'nai B'rith! You comin'?
Bender: Word!
Santa: By the way, Bender, here's a small token of my appreciation for being Santa while I was trapped in the ice.
Bender: Hey, chief, you screwed up. There's nothing in here.
Santa: Oh, it might appear empty but the message is clear Play Santa again and I'll kill you next year! Ho, ho, ho!


Doctor: Push, Mrs. Fry. You're almost there.
Mr. Fry: You can do it, honey! Squeeze one out for America.
Mrs. Fry: Hey, keep it down! It's the 9th inning.
Commentator: Here's the 02 pitch to Craypool. He's taking all the way for a called strike three!
Mrs. Fry: Swing the bat, you bum!
Doctor: It's a boy. And look at that red hair!
Mr. Fry: You sayin' my son's a commie?
Commentator: And Grote leans into the pitch. It hits him! The Mets win!
Mrs. Fry: This is the happiest day of my life!
Doctor: Here's your baby, ma'am.
Mrs. Fry: Yeah, OK, thanks.
Mr. Fry: So, what should we name him?
Mrs. Fry: Uh, you pick. I picked dinner last night.
Mr. Fry: Well, I was thinking of Philip. After those screwdrivers?
Mrs. Fry: That's a fantastic idea. More morphine, please.
Mr. Fry: Look, Yancy, it's your baby brother, Philip.
Yancy: I wanna be named Philip! Me Philip! Me Philip!
Mr. Fry: Son, your name is Yancy, just like me and my grandfather and so on. All the way back to minuteman Yancy Fry, who blasted commies in the American Revolution. Philip, until I find a suitable model of an ICBM, you'll have to make do learnin' to fear this toy spacecraft.
Yancy: Mine! Mine!
Fry: C'mon!
Hermes: Baby needs a new pair of shoes!
Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby! I need those shoes!
Announcer: And it's a dead heat! They're checking the electron microscope. And the winner is ... ... number 3, in a quantum finish.
Farnsworth: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it.
Leela: How'd you do, Fry?
Fry: I'll tell you when my horse finishes ... bad.
Mr. Wong: In today's field we own four horses and two jockeys.
Mrs. Wong: We just put our best jockey out to stud, Amy. He's perfect for you!
Jockey: Hey, baby! Ever do it in a suitcase?
Bender: Ooh! Look! It's the Centaur race.
Fry: Come on! Come on! Hey, Leela, how about a kiss for good luck? I meant tongue luck.
Announcer: And the winner is number four - Steven.
Fry: I am so unlucky! I've run over black cats that were luckier than me.
Paper-Hatted Salesman: Get your piping-hot horse burgers, horse fries, horse cake and shakes. We got tongue straight from the horse's mouth.
Leela: Hmm.
Hermes: It all sounds good.
Paper-Hatted Salesman: All our horses are 100% horse-fed for that double-horse juiced-in goodness.
Leela: I'll have the cholesterol-free omelette with horse beaters.
Paper-Hatted Salesman: And you, sir, how can I horse you?
Hermes: I'll have a horse coke.
Paper-Hatted Salesman: Horse Pepsi OK?
Hermes: Nay.
Jockey: Hey! What are you doing?
Bender: This.
Fry: Dear Horse God, I know I don't usually pray to you. Sometimes I doubt you even exist. But if you're willing to grant me luck, please, stamp your hoof once. Come on, number six! Move it! Don't do that! What are you- Man, it's contagious!
Announcer: And the winner is Harry Trotter by the entire racetrack.
Bender: That'll teach those other horses to take drugs!
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you take it all, and I say enough. I've got one dollar left, and this one I'm holding on to! Oh, no you don't! I may not know much about horses but I know a lot about doing anything for one dollar! If you think bad luck can defeat me then you don't know my name is Philip J.-
Paper-Hatted Salesman: That is one unlucky guy!
Fry: Kareem's got the sky hook but Philip J. Fry's got the space hook!
Yancy: Yancy drives; he goes up with his patented space hook!
Fry: Hey! That's my patented space hook! You stole it!
Yancy: You're not the president of it!
Fry: Holy camolie! A seven-leaf clover!
Yancy: I'm dying of old age!
Fry: Game over! Phil wins! Yancy's fans are stunned! There'll be no celebration at the Yancy-dome!
Yancy: Lucky.
Leela: Well, someone's in a good mode.
Bender: Let's just say I lucked-out at the track! Also, I rigged one race.
Fry: Pah! I'd have won a lot of money too if I still had my lucky seven-leaf clover. Plus I'd still have my hair.
Hairbot: I got your page, Mr. Fry. Your new hair is ready.
Amy: So whatever happened to this seven-leaf clover?
Fry: I hid it in a secret hiding place whose location I never told anyone. Not even Scruffy.
Zoidberg: So the clover is still in the hiding place, maybe?
Fry: Hey, yeah! Maybe it is still there. Underground in the ruins of Old New York, helping some ant defeat another ant or helping some piece of dirt turn its luck around.
Farnsworth: Dirt doesn't need luck.
Fry: I'm going down there to get my clover back. Some of the tunnels have metal bars so I'll need someone who's good at bending. Leela, how 'bout you?
Leela: Sure. I'll do it.
Bender: Like hell you will! Bending's my middle name.
Fry: It is?
Bender: Yep. My full name is Bender Bending Rodríguez.
Fry: Here's the entrance. From this moment on, I declare my bad luck officially over.
Bender: He was fun.
Leela: Well, if we get bored looking for the clover, I've got Tetris on this thing.
Fry: Look, up ahead.
Bender: Old New York The city that inspired a casino in Las Vegas.
Fry: Wow! We've got Manhattan all to ourselves! I can finally do all the crazy stuff I always dreamed of doing. Howard Stern is overrated! Uh, oops!
Bender: New York is so burned.
Fry: And remember when Mayor Giuliani cracked down on jaywalking?
Leela: No.
Fry: Well, Rudy, how do you like this action?
Teen #1: As you know, the big breakdance is Saturday. So if we wanna win those Jam Master J autographed parachute pants, our crew has to pop, lock and bust the freshest. Noticeably F.A.T., drop us a beat. Name?
Fry: Cosmic F.
Teen #1: Style?
Fry: Outer space.
Teen #1: Special moves?
Fry: The moonwalk ... the robot ... the zero G.
Teen #1: Name?
Yancy: Cosmic Y.
Teen #1: Style?
Yancy: Uh, deep space!
Fry: Deep space?
Teen #1: Special moves?
Yancy: The spacewalk...
Fry: Hey!
Yancy: The robot...
Fry: The robot? That's similar to mine!
Yancy: The zero G.
Fry: What are you doing? You totally ripped off my routine.
Yancy: You callin' me a biter?
Fry: Why do you always have to steal everything from me, Yancy? Find your own life and live it.
Yancy: Stop illin'! Word!
Fry: Well I'd like to see you try and steal this. The septuple-head-spin.
Yancy: He's just scratching. No one's ever done more than a quadruple.
Fry: Oh, yeah? Noticeably F.A.T., rewind the tape.
Teen #1: Crazy sucker!
Teen #2: Phil, you're hot!
Noticeably F.A.T.: That was ice cold, bro!
Teen #1: Fry, if I ever see you try anything that crazy again, this crew might just have some new parachute pants!
Yancy: Stop hogging the clover.
Fry: Alright, team, let's go find that clover!
Leela: Which way to your house? The sign says we're at 71st Street.
Fry: 71st Street? Hmm, never heard of it. Downtown could be in any direction.
Bender: No sweat. We'll just take a spin on the B-train!
Bender: Ooh! That feels funny! This is the Brooklyn-bound B-train making local stops at wherever the hell I feel like. Watch for the closing doors.
Bender: Wake up, buddy. End of the line!
Fry: Gosh! My old neighbourhood. That's the bench where I found some shirts! That fire hydrant! In summer we'd light it on fire! On that corner, some guy with a bushy beard handed out a socialist newsletter!
Bender: Was it poorly Xeroxed?
Fry: You'd better believe it!
Leela: The old comedians were right, this place is a lot different from L.A.
Mutant: Pardon me, but did I overhear you saying you used to live here?
Fry: That's right.
Mutant: Did you know Andy Goldman?
Fry: Yeah, he was my neighbour. Why?
Mutant: I mutated from him!
Fry: Get outta here! What's Andy up to these days?
Andy: The short answer is I'm teaching.
Leela: He seemed nice.
Fry: Sure. When he's sober!
Fry: Holy camolies! The house I grew up in. It's still there!
Bender: Man, Father Time really took a bat to this place.
Yancy: That stupid clover is a worthless piece of garbage! Give it! Give it! Give it!
Fry: Mom! Help!
Mrs. Fry: Yes!
Fry: Mom, Yancy's trying to steal my clover.
Mrs. Fry: Yancy, stealing is wrong.
Yancy: Come back here, you! I'm gonna pile drive you! You're dead meat!
Mr. Fry: What's happenin' up there? Did Kremlin Joe let fly with the nukes?
Fry: Not yet, commander. Yancy's just trying to steal my stuff as usual.
Mr. Fry: Well he'd better keep his hands off these bananas. Gonna need them when the radiation turns us all into monkeys.
Fry: The Ronco Record Vault! Yancy'll never get his hands on you in here or my money back. Ah, The Breakfast Club soundtrack. Man, I can't wait till I'm old enough to feel ways about stuff. Stay safe, clover. I may need you again someday.
Fry: This was the storage room. My dad spent years turning it into a bomb shelter.
Leela: And yet you guys never had a single nuclear war.
Bender: What a waste.
Fry: This is it. My Ronco Record Vault. I still remember the combination Three. It's stuck!
Bender: The Achilles heel of the Ronco design is its structural resonance frequency. Allow me. There we go!
Fry: Here it is. The Breakfast Club soundtrack.
Bender: You mean "breakfast club sandwich"?
Fry: I hid my seven-leaf clover in this very record jacket so my brother Yancy wouldn't get it. Here goes. It's gone! The whole place has been cleaned out! Yancy stole my clover! That thief!
Leela: How do you know it didn't disintegrate?
Fry: Everything else in here held up OK.
Bender: Except Sports by Huey Lewis.
Fry: I don't know why my brother hated me so much.
Leela: Oh, brothers always fight. I'm sure deep down he loved you. He just never got a chance to say it before you got frozen.
Fry: You think? 'Cause I always kinda wished that-
Bender: Who is that God-like figure?
Fry: It's my brother, Yancy! And there, in his lapel, my seven-leaf clover! I knew he stole it.
Leela: Hold the phone. If that's Yancy, why does the inscription say Philip J. Fry?
Fry: Wait a second. That's my name! Good Lord. He ditched his goofy name and stole mine!
Bender: Apparently this brave Adonis, this Cadillac of men, was the first person on Mars.
Fry: First person on Mars? I should have been the first person on Mars. He stole my clover, he stole my name and he stole my life. And now he broke my hand!
Bender: His legend lives on.
Farnsworth: So you opened the record vault and the clover was gone?
Bender: Yep. Nothing in there but all the best music of the 1980's in one amazing collection.
Leela: Survivor, Pat Benatar, The Scorpions. The list goes on.
Fry: That clover helped my ratfink brother steal my dream of going into space. Now I'll never get there.
Leela: You went there this morning for doughnuts.
Hermes: First person on Mars? Oh, so your brother was that Philip J. Fry.
Fry: I'm Philip J. Fry! He stole my name after I got frozen.
Farnsworth: Shut up, friends. My Internet browser heard us saying the word "Fry" and it found a movie about Philip J. Fry for us. It also opened my calendar to Friday and ordered me some French fries.
Narrator: Philip J. Fry Astronaut, philanthropist, entrepreneur was a great man truly worthy of narration. Fry was the first man on Mars ... ... a feat that has never since been equalled.
Fry: That should have been me!
Narrator: The ever-lucky Fry made his fortune after striking oil in the bathroom of the mansion he had won in a lottery.
Fry: That's my clover! Yancy stole it!
Narrator: After a whirlwind fling with Icelandic supermodel Njörd, Fry scored a string of top 10 hits with his rock band Leaf Seven, known for their hypnotic rhythms, driving baselines and memorable hooks.
Fry: That's what I'm known for!
Man: Phil came in, right, strummed out this tune, yeah, and I said, "That's a number one record!"
Narrator: Today, Fry spends most of his time in his grave in Orbiting Meadows National Cemetery, buried with the trademark seven-leaf clover that will bring him luck in the next life, perhaps some Egyptians believe.
Fry: So that's where my clover is? Hey, is that orbiting cemetery near here?
Leela: It will be in a couple hours.
Fry: Good. Leela, Bender, we're going grave robbing.
Bender: I'll get my kit.
Yancy: Thanks for lending me your tux, Dad. It'll be perfect for my wedding.
Mr. Fry: Yancy, that tux got me through 'Nam in style. I just wish your brother were still around to see this.
Mrs. Fry: I'll never forget the day Philip disappeared. Wisconsin won the Rose Bowl 17-9. Oh, I miss him.
Yancy: Oh, that reminds me I was thinking I'd rummage through Phil's records for something to play at the wedding.
Mrs. Fry: Have a look downstairs. Your brother may be missing but his crap sure isn't.
Yancy: Hmm, Breakfast Club. This'll clear out the room at the end of the reception.
Leela: They buried your brother in the World Heroes section? I'm impressed.
Fry: I should be the one in that grave!
Fry: Hmm. We lost Bender.
Bender: There! Now no one will be able to say I don't own John Larroquette's spine.
Fry: Aha! My brother's grave!
Leela: Philip Fry, the original Martian.
Fry: It's all lies, every word of it! He wasn't original, he wasn't a Martian, he wasn't Philip Fry and since when is he a the?
Bender: You're twice the the he ever was.
Fry: It's clovering time!
Yancy'S Wife: So, had any ideas for names, Yancy?
Yancy: Uh, I'm sorta thinking one. Daddy has a present for you today. Do you know what it is? It's a lucky clover that can help you be successful whatever you do - even breakdancing - and it once belonged to someone very special.
Yancy'S Wife: I know what name you wanna give him Yancy. It's OK.
Yancy: Really? Son, I'm naming you Philip J. Fry in honour of my little brother, who I miss every day. I love you, Philip, and I always will.
Fry: Here lies Philip J. Fry, named for his uncle to carry on his spirit.
Bender: Pay dirt! I got the clover! Plus his wedding ring. Sorry, ladies, I'm taken! Hey, Fry, you want me to smack the corpse up a little?
Leela: Uh, Bender, I think Fry needs a moment alone.
Bender: Alright, grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mouseketeer reunion.