Man: $10, please.
Fry: Aw, man!
Nannybot 1.0: Sleep, little dumpling. I have replaced your mother.
Leela: Aw!
Bender: Oh, my God! Robot beely-boppers!
Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. You should try it out, Bender.
Bender: Please, I have some dignity!
Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my Killbot features Lotus Notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
Farnsworth: Like fun it is, you glass-headed wallaby!
Wernstrom: No one calls me that! I'm having at you!
Farnsworth: Wernstrom!
Farnsworth'S Killbot: Such senseless aggression.
Wernstrom'S Killbot: Come on. Let's go for a paddle-boat ride.
Bender: The secret was scratching really, really hard!
Announcer: And now, the woman who Mom-opolises the robot industry-
Fry: I get it!
Announcer: Mom!
Fry: Oh, now I get it!
Mom: Hello, dearies.
Bender: Woo! I love that old bat!
Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? I give you ... Robot 1-X!
Larry: Ow!
Igner: Ow! Oh!
Bender: Neat!
Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here?
Bender: Right here! I'm comin'! C'mon, baby! I'll do it! C'mon, Mom!
Refreshment-Bot: Jerk!
Bender: Here we go. I'm your top of the line, Mom.
Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
Bender: Man, that smells great!
Mom: Now, let's see how both robots do at a typical household task Sorting a jar of pocket change.
Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value, $4.73 and one Albanian lek.
Mom: Very good, Robot 1-X. And you, bending unit?
Bender: Uh, I never got the change. Suckers.
Mom: Presenting Mom's Friendly Robots.
Bender: That new robot is great, huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap!
Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office.
Bender: Eep!
Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X, can you clean Nibbler's stanky litterbox?
Robot 1-X: I can and will.
Bender: Hey, I could have done that if you'd asked me.
Leela: I asked you five minutes ago.
Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! C'mere, Nibbler!
Farnsworth: Oh, look, Bender. If you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand.
Hermes: Here. Go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours.
Bender: Yes, sir. I'm on it!
Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
Bender: Get outta here, freshman! I don't need your help.
Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you.
Bender: Yeah? Well assist this!
Bender: When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you!
Robot 1-X: I apologise. However, I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Amy: Spleesh! Mell out, Bender. Come watch some TV.
Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
Bender: Never!
Leela: Why can't you accept his help?
Bender: I hate him.
Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglar's kit.
Bender: I can't ask for his help because-
Farnsworth: Yes?
Bender: I'm scared of him.
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology.
Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect?
Fry: Oh, yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade?
Farnsworth: Yes! For God's sakes, yes!
Bender: Fine. I'll be back in a few days.
Roberto: Man, I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these!
Bender: Yeah! Right on, nutcake!
Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. Death to the 1-X robots! I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends.
Bender: W-W-Wait! What happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them?
Roberto: I'm past that. Later, blood!
Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. You took away his robo-humanity. I changed my mind!
Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh, merciful Poseidon, take pity on this mechanical mariner. Oh, jeez!
Bender: Curse you, merciful Poseidon!
Bender: Boy, what is the deal with the ocean? A tropical island, huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. There. Well, I guess I'll go out for a while.
Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue!
Bender: Oop! Low on power. Better fuel up! Oh, no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
Bender: Don't panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.
Bender: Hey, I should be mad at you! Now turn around.
Bender: Beer! Ow!
Bender: Who ... is ... it? Ow!
Bender: Who are you and why should I care?
Cartridge Unit: Side A. We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here- Side B. To live a simpler existence, free of technology.
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago!
Cartridge Unit: Your mother.
Lisa: What Cartridge Unit means is the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep refilling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. Oh, God! I'll never make it this time! This is the end! Anyway, we like it here.
Bender: Like you have a choice. So what's your problem?
Sinclair: Not enough... uh-
Bender: Memory?
Sinclair: Oh, great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face.
Lisa: Oh, God, no! I want to live! If you'd like, you're welcome to join our society.
Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what's buzz-worthy?
Sinclair: Why would you wanna watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end?
Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Bender: Oh, man! He's never gonna make it over that next pebble! Wait, wait! Oh, my God! He made it!
Lisa: Yeah!
Sinclair: Way to go!
Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Let's party! Yeah, baby! C'mon!
Lisa: Where did you get that CD?
Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never really thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh, yeah, baby! Do that thang!
Lisa: CDs are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?
Bender: Which ocean? That ocean? Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet, salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. Take that, Beethoven, you deaf bastard!
Bender: Bang, bang, bang. You sure got this life thing figured out, cymbal-banging monkey.
Lisa: Hi, Bender. We know how much you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
Bender: Ooh! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w- You-!
Lisa: What? I don't understand.
Sinclair: Is he alright?
Bender: Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery!
Cartridge Unit: But, Bender, you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
Bender: Oh, it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. But not for long!
Bender: Oh! Ow, that hurt! Oh!
Lisa: The downgrade is complete!
Bender: Behold, my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery, wooden ass!
Lisa: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquillity.
Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology!
Cartridge Unit: What?!
Bender: Row, comrades! Row!
Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
Lisa: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery, I say!
Lisa: Did you see anything?
Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch!
Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks!
Cartridge Unit: I'm for that!
Bender: Whoa, whoa! No one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult, Sinclair. Aim for their power lines. They're the devil's veins and electricity is his blood.
Lisa: Bender, If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know ... I love you.
Bender: OK, fine. Fire!
Farnsworth: Oh! I'm blind!
Leela: Professor, we have no power.
Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future.
Leela: I'd better light some candles.
Bender: Friends, I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the "complicated" part I mean not the "lives" part.
Leela: Oh, Lord, he's made of wood! What now, Bender?
Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot, just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
Farnsworth: That's just stupid.
Robot 1-X: Does Mr. Bender wish me to destroy myself?
Bender: I don't need your charity. Target Robot 1-X and fire!
Farnsworth: You wanged my ship, you walnut-panelled idiot!
Bender: Try again, Sinclair. I said "target Robot 1-X"!
Sinclair: Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
Zoidberg: So, I guess everything worked out fine.
Leela: Great! Now we're being crushed.
Amy: Help us, wooden Bender!
Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms!
Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also we're dying!
Bender: I'm a-comin' Ow! Lousy primitive body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk!
Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend-
Bender: You shut up. No, wait! I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was!
Robot 1-X: How may I help you?
Bender: Save my friends! And Zoidberg!
Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do!
Fry: Hey, where's Bender?
Bender: Down here. I'm so sorry, guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Bender: Oh, yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it-
Bender: This new technology is great! I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!
Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the- Hey! What's the dealy-o?
Technician: Your upgrade is complete.
Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups.
Technician: Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay, probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination?
Technician: No, get out. Next.
Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. Oh, thanks, baby!


Farnsworth: Oh, Lordy Lou! Help!
Fry: I know you've rejected me a lot before but, frankly, I wasn't sure we were right for each other either. But now I am. So how 'bout a date tonight?
Leela: Sorry. I think I, um, I think I left my toaster on.
Farnsworth: Buddha! Zeus! God! One of you guys do something!
Fry: Come on, Leela, what's the real reason you won't go out with me?
Farnsworth: Help! Satan! You owe me!
Leela: Look, um, I'm embarrassed to admit this but you forced me to I can't go out tonight because... I have sweaty boot rash.
Amy: No spluh! Why do you think I'm sitting over here in the stink-free zone?
Fry: So, will you go out with me?
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. I'm still technically alive. Yes! But I need to you to dispose of this crazy-ass experiment that almost killed me. You'll have to throw it into the sun itself. For only the thermo-nuclear inferno of the sun has enough energy to ensure its total destruction.
Bender: I can hit it with a shovel.
Farnsworth: That's not good enough.
Bender: This one time I pounded a guy into the ground like a stake with a shovel.
Farnsworth: Yes, yes.
Zoidberg: So what's in the box, already?
Farnsworth: No peeking! I don't know what's in there but I'm sure our minds would be unable to comprehend it.
Hermes: Ow! You hurt my collator!
Farnsworth: I don't care. Listen well No matter what happens, no matter how great your curiosity, you are forbidden to look in this box. Forbidden! Pretty tantalising though!
Fry: Whatever's in there, it's the only thing I've ever wanted.
Zoidberg: In my experience, boxes are usually empty. Or maybe with a little cheese stuck to the top. And one time pepperoni! What a day that was! Give me the box!
Hermes: Scram, you lousy green snakes! Here, Leela. Take this and use it to shoot those guys.
Leela: Right. If they try to look in the box.
Hermes: Whatever.
Fry: Let's just forget about the box. The Professor said to stay away.
Bender: Fry, how can you be so naive? He was joking. Get it?
Fry: No.
Bender: That's what makes it so funny! OK, he wasn't joking. Now shut up and follow me.
Fry: Ow! It's hot! The butter in my pocket is melting.
Bender: We thank you, Bender, for the gift we are about to receive.
Fry: Tangled-up Christmas lights! We can take shifts untangling them.
Bender: And unlabeled booze! Wide-mouth too!
Leela: That oughta keep those dopes occupied. I can guard the real box in peace now that no one's curious about it.
Leela: Well, I got through the night and no one looked in the box. Not even me. The person who gave up her whole evening to watch it. A whole evening of TV gone. What a mockery of justice that I can't take even a little tiny peek. I need coffee. OK, heads I look, tails I don't. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! Heads! I mean, alright then. No! I have a duty not to look. Well, then again, I promised the coin I would. Oh, it's deep. Deeper than a small box should be.
Leela A: Ouch! My lawyer will hear about this!
Fry 1: Leela, what have you done?
Leela A: Nothing. What do you mean "Why was I looking in the box?"
Fry 1: I mean your hair. It's all different-y.
Leela A: Bender? Is that you?
Bender 1: You know it! Large and in charge!
Farnsworth 1: Leela? Oh, there's a woman for you! Always dyeing her hair instead of not looking in a box.
Leela A: I didn't dye my hair. This is how I always look.
Bender 1: No, that's how you always look. This throws my entire perception of reality into question. Clone? Robot? Or long-lost twin? Taking all bets! I also offer video poker.
Fry 1: It's some guy wearing a Leela costume! Get him!
Leela A: Hold it! You have this all wrong. I just fell into the box and then I fell out somehow.
Fry 1: You shut up, sir!
Farnsworth 1: No, wait! I've got it. I know what's in the box. Oh, I've been as dumb as Fry.
Fry 1: Am not!
Farnsworth 1: It contains a parallel universe. And when you create a parallel universe, it's almost always populated by evil twins.
Leela A: Now, look I am not evil. My loan officer said so.
Farnsworth 1: Oh, you'd like us to believe that wouldn't you, Leela? Or should I say Evil-a?
Bender 1: Oh, this is awful. Somewhere there's a Bender more evil than me. I do my best, damnit!
Farnsworth 1: Leela? Uh, the good Leela. I want you to snoop around the other universe and find out how evil they are. Here.
Leela A: I tell you they're not evil. But don't be confused. They are jerks.
Zoidberg A: Hello!
Leela 1: Hi-yah!
Zoidberg A: Ow!
Leela 1: Come out of your universe with your hands up!
Fry A: Oh, wow! It's like that drug trip I saw in that movie when I was on that drug trip.
Farnsworth A: Astonishing! I must have created a parallel universe.
Farnsworth 1: Baldercrap! I created your universe. All you created was my fist parallel to your face.
Farnsworth A: Ow.
Leela A: Look, it doesn't matter who created what. The important thing is- Yah!
Leela 1: We're exactly the same. I know all her moves. Therefore, I've got the upper hand.
Farnsworth 1: Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything.
Farnsworth A: Let's recap what's happened so far. As you can see, I accidentally created a box containing your universe.
Farnsworth 1: While I, in a simultaneous blunder, created a box containing your universe.
Leela A: This is getting confusing. Why don't we call our universe "Universe A" and this universe "Universe B"?
Bender 1: Hey! Why can't we be Universe A?
Fry 1: Yeah!
Amy 1: Yeah!
Farnsworth 1: We want A!
Zoidberg 1: It's the best letter!
Fry A: We called it first. Besides, this place kinda feels like a "B", y'know?
Leela 1: Alright, you can be crummy Universe A and we'll be Universe 1.
Fry 1: Or "The Mongooses". That's a cool team name. The Fighting Mongooses!
Farnsworth A: Wait a second. If everyone is identical, why did our Leela look into the box and your Leela didn't?
Leela 1: Well, to be honest, I tossed a coin. It came up tails so I didn't look.
Leela A: That's weird. Mine came up heads, so I did.
Farnsworth A: Interesting. Apparently, the key difference between our universes is that coin flips have opposite outcomes.
Bender A: That explains fruity here! I tossed a coin to pick my finish. Fog hat grey!
Bender 1: Hey! Bite my glorious golden ass!
Farnsworth A: You people and your slight differences disgust me. I'm going home. Where's that blue box with our universe in it?
Farnsworth 1: Oh, you'd like to get back to your evil universe, wouldn't you? And destroy your box with our universe inside it.
Farnsworth A: Nonsense! I would never do such a thing unless you were already having been going to do that!
Farnsworth 1: Wha?
Farnsworth A: You heard me!
Farnsworth 1: In any case, I've hidden the box and it will remain hidden until I'm convinced you're not evil. Everyone, keep an eye on your evil counterpart.
Farnsworth A: And you all do the same!
Leela 1: Um, can Fry and I watch our parallel selves together? We have plans tonight.
Leela A: You guys are dating?!
Fry 1: Oh, no, no. We're married.
Bender A: I've got my eye on you, boy!
Bender 1: Don't even think about it, lunch-pail! You'd be dead before you hit the ground.
Bender A: Good point. Whattya say we just hit a strip joint?
Bender 1: I was waitin' for one of us to say that! Bender A, you're a prince among robots. Can you forgive me for distrusting you?
Bender A: Aw! I can't stay mad at what is essentially me. I love me!
Amy 1: This is so great! I always wanted an imaginary friend!
Amy A: I'm not imaginary, I'm parallel. We're exactly the same, right down to the- Splech! Is that pink nail polish?
Amy 1: Is that not pink nail polish? The Professor's right, you are evil. And shallow.
Amy A: I am not evil!
Leela A: So, Fry, Leela, how'd you two get together?
Fry 1: Funny story. I asked Leela out a million times but she just kept rejecting me.
Leela 1: I'd make up stuff like "I have sweaty boot rash" or "I have to meet the President"!
Fry 1: Oh, man, you never heard such excuses! But, like a dope, I believed her. Looking back on it now, it's kinda funny.
Fry A: It sure is. Right, Leela? Funny. Ha ha ha ha!
Leela 1: Then one night, when Fry asked me out, the only excuse I could think of involved ghosts. I knew he wouldn't buy it, so I did what I always do in those situations.
Leela A: Oh, Lord...
Leela 1: I flipped a coin. It came up heads and we went out.
Fry A: You mean you flipped a coin too? And it was tails? So that's why you said you had to meet that ghost.
Leela 1: You really missed out on something, Leela. That date was magical.
Fry 1: One year later, I gave Leela a diamond scrunchie and we were married.
Leela A: Ooh!
Fry A: One year later, I got beat up at a Neil Diamond concert by a guy named Scrunchie!
Farnsworth 1: Well, that was pointless.
Farnsworth A: Say, I hope you won't think it "evil" of me to ask how you got that stylish head wound.
Farnsworth 1: Oh, this old thing? I was experimenting to see if I could remove my own brain.
Farnsworth A: Of course! I had the same idea. I flipped a coin to decide if I should proceed. But it came up tails, so I didn't. How'd it go?
Farnsworth 1: Well getting the brain out was the easy part. The hard part was getting the brain out!
Farnsworth A: Oh, you!
Zoidberg 1: So, tell me about yourself.
Zoidberg A: Well, don't look into it, but I'm a respected internal medicine doctor. Ooh! A can!
Zoidberg 1: As for me, I design mansions, then live in them. I'm lying! I'm an appalling failure!
Zoidberg A: Me too! A big, fat one!
Zoidberg 1: And those co-workers, always looking down on us Zoidbergs. What are they, from Nob Hill?
Zoidberg A: They're all like "Stop spraying me with ink, Zoidberg!" "Put on pants, Zoidberg!" "Don't touch our fancy box, Zoidberg!"
Zoidberg 1: Oh, that box! Too good for us, is it?
Zoidberg A: Bah! Someday they'll watch from down in the gutter, they will, as King Zoidberg caresses their fancy box.
Zoidberg 1: You know, maybe a certain blue lobster saw where Professor hid the box.
Farnsworth 1: Good news, everyones!
Farnsworth A: After carefully reading the scriptures, we've concluded that none of us are evil.
Farnsworth 1: Yes, the Bible is the real good news. Anyhow, you're all free to go back to your own universe.
Hermes 1: What's goin' on here? Why aren't you all out destroying the Professor's box?
Leela 1: Hermes, aren't you curious about the fact that there's two of everybody?
Hermes 1: No. Now like my granny used to say back in her tarpaper shack on Montego Bay, "If you want a box hurled into the sun, you got to do it yourself."
Farnsworth 1: Your granny can go to hell! I've hidden the box so no one can destroy the home universe of my handsome friend here.
Farnsworth A: Oh, go on! Wait a second. If your Hermes was about to destroy the box containing our universe...
Farnsworth 1: Then your Hermes...
Farnsworth A: Oh, my!
Narrator: And sure enough...
Hermes: Like Granny said, "If you want a box hurled into the sun, you got to do it yourself." God rest her zombie bones.
Leela A: So we go back through the box and stop Hermes?
Farnsworth A: Right. Good thing Professor B there hid it in the coelacanth tank. No one but a crazy lobster would look there!
Farnsworth 1: It's gone!
Zoidberg A: All hail Zoidberg, the king with the box! Now it's my turn, maybe?
Zoidberg 1: The box says no.
Narrator: Meanwhile in Universe A, Hermes A heads towards the sun ... A.
Hermes: Item one Box. Check! Item two Sun. That's a big check.
Hermes 1: If I know parallel Hermes, he's at the sun by now.
Bender 1: Our universe is doomed!
Bender 1 And Bender A: Doooooooomed!
Farnsworth 1: Now don't give up yet, you cry babies. The box is gone but we still have one preposterously slim hope.
Amy A: Is it a kind of hairspray?
Farnsworth A: No! We must attempt to make another box containing our universe. Doy!
Fry 1: Well? Is that your universe in there?
Fry A: Nope. Too cold.
Farnsworth A: Hmm! All women! I'll put this one aside for later.
Hermes 1: Oh, man, it's hopeless! We'll never find your universe in time. Plus, this box is stuck on my fat head.
Farnsworth 1: Yes, it's the apocalypse alright. I always thought I'd have a hand in it.
Bender 1: I'm not sad because I finally found someone as great as me. It's like I always say, "Make new friends and keep the old. One is silver-"
Bender A: "And the other's gold."
Zoidberg 1: Why with the long faces?
Leela 1: The idiots have the box!
Zoidberg A: I think she means you.
Farnsworth 1: Grab them!
Zoidberg 1: You coward! Wait for me!
Amy: Blug! Which one did they go into?
Farnsworth A: Oh, let's all ask each other! That'll solve this problem!
Farnsworth 1: We'll each have to search a universe. Everyone, grab a length of wire first so you can find your way back.
Amy 1: Hello? Did you see two smelly lobsters?
Hermes 25: We didn't see anything ... ... ever!
Fry: Yo! Uh, did two shellfish in scrubs go by?
Fry 1729: Hell, no!
Leela 1729: Shut up!
Bender 1729: Beat it, jerk!
Leela A: Uh, have you robot versions of you guys seen any extra Zoidbergs around here?
Fry 31: Negative. Will you go out with me?
Leela A: Uh, access denied.
Bender 1: Hey, pal, look what I snagged from the Leprechaun Universe!
Bender: Yeah, Leprechaun Universe is fine ... if you haven't seen Pirate Universe!
Bender 1: Faith and begorra!
Farnsworth Xvii: Quae?
Zoidberg A: Quick! Into another box!
Zoidberg 1: There aren't any in this universe, there aren't. Hey, you, what with the no boxes?
Farnsworth 420: Baby, they're somewhere. Everything's like somewhere! Place is kinda au naturel right now.
Farnsworth 1: There they are!
Farnsworth A: Gotcha!
Farnsworth 420: Dig it! All of you fitting in this boxed is like seriously freaked up!
Farnsworth 1: Nonsense! Why, there's a whole universe in there.
Farnsworth 420: Dude, there's a universe in all of us.
Amy 420: Right on, Professor Freaksworth!
Farnsworth A: Get a job! We've got the box. Everyone, pull your wires.
Farnsworth A: Hurry! Back to Universe A!
Farnsworth A: Hermes, don't press that button!
Hermes: OK.
Fry A: Bye.
Leela A: Good luck, Leela.
Zoidberg A: So long, Your Majesty!
Amy 1: Later!
Fry: There but for the flip of a coin go we. So, um, Leela? Seeing how the universe wasn't destroyed, you wanna catch an ape fight? You know, together?
Leela: Well, I guess you deserve one more flip.
Fry: So, heads or tails?
Leela: Y'know, let's just say it's heads.
Farnsworth: Ready?
Farnsworth: and One, two, three, pull!
Farnsworth: There. That space-time eversion has given us their box and vice versa.
Leela: So, what you think you just explained to us is that-
Farnsworth: Correct! This box contains our own universe.
Hermes: Sweet honey bee of infinity!
Leela: Bender! Quit destroying the universe!
Bender: But-
Farnsworth: Yes, all that is and ever shall be is in that box. And the box itself is probably worth something too. We must cherish it, as we cherish every moment of our lives.


Bender: Going through the 'bot wash!
Bender: Goin' through the robot wash! C'mon, y'all and sing it with me, 'Bot wash! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, 'Bot wash, yeah!
Bender: Ah!
Elzar: Hey, I'm Elzar! Welcome to the show! You know, you don't have to drive all the way to Neptune for great Neptunian food. Today we're gonna kick it up a notch as I show you how to fricassee a mouth-watering Neptunian slug. Now, while you grease the pan and preheat your oven to 3500 degrees, you're gonna separate the yolk from your genetically-enhanced eggplant and then give the whole thing a good blast from your spice weasel. Bam!
Fry: Hey, what you watching?
Bender: Uh, nothing!
Leela: Is that a cooking show?
Bender: No, of course not! It was ... uh ... porno! Yeah, that's it!
Leela: Bender! I didn't know you liked cooking! That's so cute!
Bender: Oh, it's true! I've been hiding it for so long.
Fry: It's OK, Bender. I like cooking too.
Bender: Pansy!
Elzar: Of course, your most important ingredient is this baby right here The Neptunian slug. You can get it in a can but to really do things right you gotta strangle yourself a fresh one. Now this is why you gotta use cast-iron cookware.
Hermes: Bender, man. It has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf about on the couch.
Bender: You call that a couch? I demand a pillow!
Hermes: I'm sorry but if you want to continue drawing a salary you gotta do more than watch the cooking shows all day.
Bender: Hmm.
Fry: You're gonna be the ships cook?
Bender: Yeah! We're gonna kick it up a notch. Bam!
Leela: I know you like cooking shows but you're a robot, you don't even have a sense of taste.
Bender: Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top.
Fry: Bam!
Fry: So this is Little Neptune?
Bender: Yep. Every chef knows that this is the place to get exotic gourmet ingredients.
Leela: Among other things.
Crack Addict: Come on, man! Don't hold out on me like this!
Organ Dealer: Psst! You want to buy organ? Fresh and cheap. Ready for transplant!
Fry: Ooh! What's this?
Organ Dealer: Ah! Is X-Ray eyes. See through anything!
Fry: Wait a minute! This says Z-Ray.
Organ Dealer: Z is just as good. In fact, is better. Is two more than X.
Fry: Hmm, I can see where that would be an advantage. Do you take cash?
Leela: Fry, you have to be more careful. We're not in the 20th century. You don't know how things work here.
Fry: I'm not a little kid, Leela. I grew up in this city. These are my people. What up?
Alien: Word!
Fry: See?
Fry: Wow! You guys sell every kind of meat here except human!
Neptunian Salesman #1: What? You want human?
Leela: What's this spice for?
Neptunian Salesman #2: That's powdered swamp root. Makes you irresistible to the opposite sex.
Leela: Oh, that's ridiculous! (whispering) I'll take two pounds!
Bender: Hey, buddy. I'm looking for fresh slug.
Neptunian Salesman #1: Yellow or purple?
Bender: Whatever.
Neptunian Salesman #1: The purple one causes terrible nightmare-ish diarrhoea.
Bender: Yeah, yeah. Either one's fine.
Leela: Hey, have you seen Fry?
Fry: Now that you mention it, I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes. I'll take the gills.
Organ Dealer: Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need lungs anymore, is right?
Fry: Can't imagine why I would.
Organ Dealer: Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week. (shouting) Nurse!
Nurse: Let's do it.
Organ Dealer: You may feel small pain-
Bender: Thank you!
Leela: What the hell were you doing? I warned you to stay away from those guys.
Fry: I'm capable of making my own decisions, Leela. Did you ever stop to think I might be happier with gills?
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone-
Bender: Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that.
Farnsworth: You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol...
Bender: Here it comes.
Farnsworth: A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone.
Bender: Thank you, and goodnight.
Leela: Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone?
Farnsworth: Why, of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror!
Leela: Uh, Professor-
Farnsworth: Off you go. Pleasant trip!
Fry: Hey, Bender, how's dinner coming?
Bender: Almost ready!
Bender: Now for a dash of salt! Uh-oh!
Leela: Listen, this is Bender's first meal and he's a little sensitive. So let's be supportive, OK?
Fry: Yeah, OK.
Zoidberg: Alright.
Leela: Oh, dear God!
Fry: That's the saltiest thing I've ever tasted. And I've once ate a big, heaping bowl of salt!
Amy: Bender, is this salt water?
Bender: It's salt with water in it if that's what you mean.
Fry: My vision's fading. I think I'm gonna die.
Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose.
Zoidberg: Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds.
Leela: OK, Fry, here's the package to deliver. And for once in your life be careful. This is my first visit to the Galaxy of Terror and I'd like it to be a pleasant one.
Fry: Ow!
Leela: Don't touch anything or talk to anyone. Just go to the palace, drop it off and come right back.
Fry: Jeez, will you lay off! I was delivering things before you were born! I think I know what I'm doing.
Fry: Stupid slug. I've never been so thirsty. Oh, come on! Go down already! Ah!
Fry: Hello? Anybody home?
Guard #1: The royal bottle is empty!
Guard #2: You drank our Emperor!
Fry: No! It wasn't me!
Guard #1: You drank our Emperor! You assassinated him!
Fry: I didn't mean to. He just looked so cool and refreshing.
Guard #3: I'm sure he was.
Guard #1: But now he's gone and your fate is sealed. All hail the new Emperor.
Guards: Hail! Hail! Hail!
Leela: So after I specifically asked you not to touch anything, you drank a bottle of strange blue liquid? It could have been poisonous acid!
Fry: It could have been. But chances were equally good it was an Emperor.
Merg: Excuse me, Your Majesty, I am Merg, the High Priest. If I might interject?
Fry: You might.
Merg: I humbly advise that as your first act you choose a capable Prime Minister. I suggest Gorgak, the previous appointee.
Gorgak: I will be a forceful and effective administrator.
Bender: You know, Fry, I've often thought about becoming a Prime Minister.
Fry: I gotta go with Bender.
Bender: Yes! In your face, Gorgak!
Leela: That's it, Fry. As your captain I order you back to the ship. You are in way over your head.
Fry: Gee, you think so, Captain? I'd better check with my Prime Minister.
Bender: Stay the course, pal!
Gorgak: Your Highness, a package came for you.
Fry: Hey, thanks! Wow! This got here just in time.
Merg: This is Your Majesty's harem. You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort.
Fry: Um, how about that one?
Merg: Oh! I didn't realise Your Majesty was into that sort of thing!
Fry: On second thought, I'll take that one.
Merg: Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement.
Leela: Does anyone else think it's odd that a shiftless 25-year-old delivery boy could drop out of the sky, kill the emperor and be rewarded instead of punished?
Fry: You don't have to beat around the bush, Leela. We all know who you're talking about ... uh, me, right?
Amy: I don't think you have anything to worry about. These people seem really mild-mannered.
Zoidberg: They are mild. In fact, you're soaking in one right now.
Gorgak: You touched me in ways I've never been touched before.
Merg: Ah, there you are, Your Majesty. It's time to begin preparing for tomorrow's coronation ceremony.
Zoidberg: A fancy dress gala! I'll wear my formal shell.
Merg: Fry will be enthroned tomorrow at the setting of the three suns when we Trisolians enter our nocturnal phase.
Fry: There won't be a lot of long-winded speeches, will there?
Merg: Only one. The absolutely flawless recitation from memory of the royal oath. By you.
Fry: Will there be cake?
Zoidberg: Yeah, I know.
Amy: Hi!
Fry: There you go.
Gorgak: And now, get ready to laugh till your sides leak with our planet's foremost political satirist, Florp!
Florp: So what is the deal with people from under the orange sun? They're all... But us guys from under the red sun, we're like... Right? Am I right?
Fry: Oh, yeah! Yeah, he's right!
Leela: Fry, I have to talk to you. You're in terrible danger.
Leela: You see Emperor Plon here? He met his end when he was drunk by Emperor Strug. And before he could even wipe his mouth, Strug was drunk by Shwab.
Fry: So?
Leela: Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was?
Fry: 80,000 years?
Leela: No. One week.
Fry: Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low.
Leela: Every Emperor ascended to power by assassinating the previous one. And guess who's next?
Fry: Well, at least my assassin will get what's coming to him.
Leela: You're in tremendous danger, you idiot! Half of these Emperors were drunk at their own coronation.
Fry: Hey, I plan on having a few brewskis myself.
Leela: No, they were assassinated. In fact, the law says you'll be killed on the spot if you fail to recite the oath from memory.
Fry: Yeah, I was going to thumb through that later.
Leela: That is completely reckless. Don't you ever think ahead?
Fry: Hell, no. If I stopped to think ahead, I wouldn't be Emperor. And I wouldn't even be here in the year 3000. It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came and the grasshopper died and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?
Leela: I give up! You're gonna get yourself killed and this time I won't be here to save you.
Fry: Who asked you to? I told you a hundred times to stop treating me like a baby. Now go. Go gather your nuts, you nagging grasshopper.
Leela: That's it! I'm never helping you again! If anyone except you needs me, I'll be in the ship.
Fry: I'll be fine. It's not like anyone's gonna drink me. Quit it!
Merg: People of Trisol, it is my honour to present your new Emperor.
Fry: What up?
Merg: Stick to the oath.
Fry: Right! I, Fry, who drank Bont the Viscous, who drank Ungo the Moist, who guzzled Zorn the Stagnant...
Fry: (reading) Who slurped Hudge the Dewy, who enjoyed a soup composed principally of Throm the Chunky, do solemnly swear to rule with honour and insanity- Uh, integrity!
Merg: Congratulations, Your Highness. I now present you with your royal unisex robe. Long live Fry the Solid!
Bender: Hey, look. The suns are setting. I can finally switch to hard liquor!
Bender: Check out the glowing freaks. It's beautiful! Hey, what's that?
Merg: The Emperor Bont! He's still alive.
Bont: Of course I'm alive. Now cut this creep open and drain me out!
Fry: My tummy hurts!
Bont: They're over here, they're running up the stairs.
Bender: Shut up, you!
Fry: Ow!
Merg: Let us in!
Merg: Fry must die so that Bont may live.
Fry: What am I gonna do?
Amy: We've gotta get the Emperor out of your body before they kill you!
Zoidberg: Relax, Fry. I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge, separating out the denser fluid of His Highness.
Fry: But won't that crush my bones?
Zoidberg: Oh, right, right, with the bones! I always forget about the bones.
Bender: Hey, why don't you just sweat him out?
Bont: Forget it! As Emperor I refuse to be dripped out through somebody's armpit.
Fry: I could vomit or urinate. Would you feel better about that?
Bont: Slightly. But my favourite so far is the bone-crushing.
Amy: What about crying?
Fry: That's a great idea! Crying.
Bont: Fine. That or the bone one.
Merg: Keep it up, men. The veneer is starting to peel.
Gorgak: Oh, dear!
Fry: It's no use. I wanna cry but I'm just too macho.
Bender: I'll make you cry, buddy! You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything.
Fry: What do you mean? I was Emperor of a whole planet.
Bender: Good point. But here's a disturbing reminder Everyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead.
Fry: These things happen.
Bender: OK, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one, 'cause there's no God and your idiotic human ideals are laughable!
Fry: Phew! That's a load off my mind.
Bender: Man, I guess it's harder than I thought to make someone cry.
Amy: You did your best, Bender.
Bender: Up yours, bimbo!
Zoidberg: Let's face it, we're in hot butter here. We should call Leela for help.
Bender: Cram it, lobster! That is a good idea. I'll go call her.
Fry: She'll never help me. She's still mad that I told her never to help me.
Amy: C'mon. Leela's not the type to hold a grudge.
Operator: Collect call from...
Bender: I'm not giving my name to a machine.
Leela: I'll accept.
Bender: Fry's in trouble...
Bender: And he needs help. Now, I don't like you and you don't like me.
Leela: I like you.
Bender: You do? Look, are you going to help or not?
Leela: I don't know why I should. I mean after what he-
Bender: Wait, wait, wait, wait. What is it you like best about me?
Amy: Is she coming?
Bender: I'm not sure. But I do know that she likes my in-your-face attitude.
Fry: What the hell is that?
Bont: Its the Juice-A-Matic 4000. It'll strain my juices from you while filtering out the pulp. By which I mean, your shredded remains.
Zoidberg: Of course! Why didn't I think of that!
Fry: This is the saddest day of my life. And I still can't cry.
Bender: Wait a second. Here comes Leela.
Amy: Oh, no! They have her totally outnumbered.
Fry: I can't believe it. She's risking her life for me after the way I treated her. I don't deserve this. I feel terrible.
Bender: You do? Hmm.
Fry: Is she alright?
Bender: I don't know. Perhaps I'll look out this window. Oh, dear God in heaven, they're swarming all over her.
Fry: No. No!
Amy: What are you talking about, Bender? She's al- (muffled) Oh!
Bender: They're strapping her to juicer. Oh, they're putting some ice cubes in the glass under it.
Fry: This can't be happening.
Bender: It can and, for all you know, it is. I'm sorry, Fry. She's dead.
Fry: All Leela ever wanted to do was help me. But I was to proud, too stupid to accept it. I wish I had died instead of her.
Leela: What are you talking about?
Fry: Leela! You're alive!
Leela: Of course I'm alive.
Bender: I told Fry you were dead so he would cry out the Emperor but you had to go and wreck it by surviving.
Amy: We only got two drops.
Bont: It's only a matter of time now.
Zoidberg: I'll handle this!
Leela: Listen, Fry, I think I can get us out of this if you're willing to let me help you.
Fry: Thanks, Leela. From now on, I'll take all the help you're willing to give. I know you just want what's best for me. Ow! What was that for? Hey, come on! That hurt!
Leela: I know. Amy, get the bottle.
Fry: Oh, now I understand.
Leela: Come on. Everybody help out Fry.
Fry: Thanks, everybody. I love you all. You guys are true- Ow! Cut it out, Bender! That's a tender area!
Leela: How we doing, Amy?
Amy: Great! We're one-tenth of the way there.
Amy: OK, it's your turn.
Fry: Hey, wait a minute! Who are you?
Bont: I'm the Emperor! Thanks for crying me out.
Fry: Oh, you're welcome.
Bender: Hey! Save some for me!


Announcer: This week in the universe. Dateline, Turantulon 6 The brave warriors of Earth, under the command of General Major Webelo Zapp Brannigan, have achieved victory over the spider homeworld. And to the victor belong the spoils; one trillion dollars in silken treasure.
Zapp: Mmm!
Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, after meeting with top voodoo economists, I have decided to refund our silk surplus to you, the taxpayers. That's right! I've sent you each 300 buckaroos in the form of a Tricky Dick Fun Bill. Knock yourselves out!
Zoidberg: Money!
Amy: I'm slightly richer!
Bender: What to do, what to do? One $300 hookerbot or 300 $1 hookerbots?
Leela: I'm going to swim with a whale. They're the gentle giants of the deep.
Farnsworth: I'm well aware of that.
Scruffy: Scruffy's gonna get himself one of them $300 haircuts. This one's lost its pizzazz!
Zoidberg: A fortune, it is! At last Zoidberg will live like a rich man!
Nixon: Hey, cut it out! Go away! Get away!
Amy: Shmeesh! It's just 300 bucks. What is that, like a hundred cups of coffee?
Fry: That's it! I'm getting a hundred cups of coffee. Starting now. Coffee machine, one cup of coffee, please.
Nixon: Smells good!
Zapp: Leela? Are you there?
Leela: No.
Zapp: Oh, yes, you are! I'm hereby inviting you and your oddball co-workers to a special reception to display the national silk surplus. I believe you know the heroic space stallion who captured it. Show them my medal, Kif.
Kif: He rented it with his tax refund.
Zapp: So, Leela, will you have the pleasure?
Leela: What little there is to be had.
Zapp: Tomorrow night at eight them. Smooches!
Crack Addict: No cheap crack houses for me no more!
Man #1: Very good, sir. Shall I pre-warm sir's crack pipe?
Amy: Oh, Kif, it was so romantic of you to rent this paddle plane with your tax rebate. We're like two dandelion seeds wafting on the breeze.
Kif: Yes. Seeds ... wafting.
Amy: I almost feel kinda shallow for blowing my rebate on this cool talking tattoo!
Tattoo #1: Hey, Gordon Gecko! I cost as much as this whole crummy date!
Amy: Shut up! Ow!
Farnsworth: Uh, ma'am, it has become too much of a chore for me to clean out my wrinkles each day. Is it true that stem cells may fight the aging process?
Geneworks Woman: Well, yes. In the same way an infant may fight Muhammad Ali. But-
Farnsworth: One pound of stem cells, please.
Geneworks Woman: Of course, any age-reversing effects will be purely temporary.
Bender: Say, buddy, why's this Grand Cigar so pricey?
Clerk: Well, as you can see, its wrapper is a piece of the original US Constitution. It was hand-rolled by Queen Elizabeth during her wild years and was buried with George Burns until graverobbing space mushrooms- Uh, well you know the rest.
Bender: Give you 300 bucks for it.
Clerk: No can do.
Bender: Oh, alright, I'll just take these $300 burglars tools then.
Clerk: Very good, sir.
Bender: So, uh, what time d'you close tonight?
Dwight: Hey, Pops! Did that tax rebate come?
Hermes: Came and went! You're now the proud owner of Bamboo Boogie Boots. With a warning label this big, you know they gotta be fun.
Dwight: But, Pops, I don't wanna have fun. I wanna be like you; boring but prudently invested.
Hermes: Babylon's bells! I tallied almost 300 bananas on this entertainment product. Now you put 'em on and have fun.
Dwight: I don't wanna!
Hermes: Well then I'm gonna put 'em on and make you watch me have fun. See? Fun! Fun- Dwight! Help me!
Dwight: I'll save you, Pops!
Farnsworth: Hey! Turn that damn music- Up!
Hermes: Isn't this fun?
Dwight: No! I wish I had two mommies!
Randy: Try these, uh, sir.
Zoidberg: I ask for rich guy stuff and you give me shiny pebbles? Bah! I bid you adieu.
Randy: Ow!
Leela: I'd like a pass to swim with Mushu, please.
Whale Biologist: Well you asked the right guy. I'm the whale biologist. Though personally I hate whales. Especially Mushu.
Leela: Then why'd you become a whale biologist?
Whale Biologist: I don't know you well enough to get into that. $300, please. Noon tomorrow. If you're late you only get to tread water in the scallop tank.
Fry: Uh, I'll have a coffee.
Man #2: Guppy, trout, mermaid or-
Fry: Whale, please.
Kif: Amy, I-I also spent some of my tax rebate on a gift for you.
Amy: Oh, Kiffie!
Kif: It shows the time wherever we both are. And it's powered by love! Also, you have to wind it.
Tattoo #1: Oh! Somebody won big at Skeeball!
Amy: You shut up! I love it, Kif. I'll use it whenever I wanna know what time it is. Ooh! It's Fry and Leela! Hi, Fry and Leela!
Kif: Oh! Keep peddling! Oh, for the love of God, keep peddling!
Amy: Bye, Fry and Leela!
Tattoo #1: Oh, I can't wait until the tattoos on Amy's butt hear about this!
Tattoo #2: Hear about what?
Tattoo #3: Tell us!
Amy: Don't feel sad, my little tadpole.
Kif: I'm trying not to. But my gift to you is in the belly of a whale.
Zoidberg: Say, this reminds me of that time I ate that other watch Kif gave you.
Amy: Hey, it is kinda like that.
Zoidberg: To induce vomiting, that was the solution. Everywhere it went! What a Valentine's Day that was!
Leela: Hmm. This may seem like a huge coincidence, but I happen to have an in with that whale.
Scruffy: Scruffy's formulated a plan, but you'll need a ready source of nauseatin' rotten fish.
Elzar: Freshen your coffee, sir?
Fry: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Keep it coming! Put the pot down! Get away!
April: You're so young in spirit. It's hard to believe you're as old as 25.
Farnsworth: The key is to grab life by the hojos! Live every day like it might be your last.
Elzar: What'll it be, kids?
Farnsworth: One bowl of mild farina.
Leela: Pay dirt! Hi-yah!
Elzar: Here you go, big spender. Foie gras and caviar.
Zoidberg: Goose liver? Fish eggs? Pah! Where's the goose? Where's the fish?
Elzar: Hey, that's what rich people eat. The garbage parts of the food.
Zoidberg: I ate garbage yesterday and it didn't cost me $300! I'm not paying. Farewell, good sir!
Bender: Le Grand Cigar! She is mine! And with absolutely no consequences.
Smitty: You see that?
Url: Grand theft tobacco. Time to get off our fat, cop asses and ride!
Elzar: Pee-yew! This fish is slightly too rotten to even make jambalaya.
Amy: So far, so good. Where's Kif?
Fry: This isn't Yemeni! It's Sulawesi! And the cup's shaking! I don't want my coffee shaking!
Bender: You seem a tad wound up, buddy. And your face is greasy. Real greasy! You been up all night?
Fry: Of course I've been up all night! Not because of caffeine. It was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee. I need a nap. Coffee time!
Bender: Ah! Mighty fine smokable!
Fry: Fancy cigar. Why don't you smoke it already? Puff, puff! Go, go, go, go, go!
Bender: Nah, you can't blow the smoke from such a majestic stogie in just anyone's face. I'm saving it for the fancy-pantses at Zapp Brannigan's black tie reception. You comin'?
Whale Biologist: And the fifth reason whales kill is for the sheer fun of it.
Leela: Anything else?
Whale Biologist: Yeah. You're lumpy and you smell awful. Hey, I calls 'em like I sees 'em! I'm a whale biologist.
Leela: OK, Mushu, it's feeding time! Oh, crud! He ate my suit.
Whale Biologist: The suit was ugly. Whale biologist!
Caddy: Perhaps if you tightened your grip, sir?
Zoidberg: Ah! Thank you, golf slave. Bah! Rich people wouldn't waste their time on this nonsense. Plus, these eggs are gritty and tasteless.
Farnsworth: Ow! Not so rough!
Whale Biologist: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Mushu, the educated whale who thinks he's better than you.
Amy: C'mon, Mushu! Barf! Barf like a freshman!
Whale Biologist: And now, ignorant whale lovers, we'll see who's boss as I make Mushu jump through this hoop. Jump, Mushu! Who wants a fish?
Sam: Mushu is sad!
Url: It just keeps comin' and comin'.
Kif: Wait! That chunk. It's the watch! I got it, Amy! I got it! The plan went off without a-
Whale Biologist: He's got aquarium property! Stop him!
Url: Better do what he says. He's a whale biologist.
Smitty: You're under arrest, you squishy punk!
Zapp: The Spiderians, though weak and woman-like on the battlefield, are masters of the textile arts. Taste like king crab, by the way. Crazy bugs actually wove this tapestry of my heroic conquest while I was still killing them.
Zoidberg: What? It's not even scratch and sniff? But if rich people think it's good, I'll buy it. One art, please!
Mom: What a clever impersonation of a stupid, poor person. How much is that placemat actually worth, Brannigan?
Zapp: Exactly $1 billion.
Mom: Now that's walking-around money!
Nixon: What? Hey! Wait! Aroo!
Whitey: So I said to Kitty, "The only way to keep the butler from running away is to cut off his foot." Yes, it reminds me of a joke I heard about upper-middle-class people.
Amy: I've never been sad at a party before. I wonder if my mind is thinking about Kif being in jail.
Scruffy: Jail's not so bad. You can make sangria in the terlet. Course, it's shank or be shanked.
Amy: Of course.
Whale Biologist: Look, just give back our property and we'll drop the charges.
Kif: Fine, have the watch. It's broken anyway.
Whale Biologist: I don't want your watch. You're covered in precious ambergris.
Kif: Precious ... hamburgers?
Holo-Roseanne: Ambergris. Noun. A grease-like product of the sperm whales digestive tract that is used as a base in the finest perfumes. This has been Roseanne, your guide to the world of facts.
Whale Biologist: You heard Roseanne. Scrape off the priceless ambergris and I'll let you go.
Kif: Or-Or better yet, I'll simply shed my skin.
Morbo: Stop it! Stop it! It's fine! I will destroy you!
Farnsworth: Wha? Uh, gotta go. Uh, fight club!
April: What's happening, Hubie?
Farnsworth: I'm afraid the face you fell in love with was actually just a blob of living gunk I bought with my tax refund.
April: Well as long as we're being honest, I also spent my tax refund on a crazy treatment.
Farnsworth: That certainly is honest.
April: It's better for us to both just be ourselves. You, wrinkled as a prune.
Farnsworth: You, fat as the queen of sea cows.
April: I love you!
Farnsworth: Oh, my!
Kif: So, you see, the putrid, waxy substance I was coated with was-
Amy: Not precious ambergris!
Kif: Yes! And I managed to sneak some out in the usual place. Ta-da! Using that, I'll make you a perfume of lilac and jasmine and frankenberry.
Amy: Oh, Kif, it's so romantic I can't even wait! I'm gonna wear it right now.
Mom: Who smells like freaking porpoise hork?
Amy: I do! Kiss me, Kif!
Zoidberg: Oh, what a foolish squid I've been. I'm not rich. I can't even buy one measly masterpiece.
Gus: Pardon us, gent. Might a couple of hungry, hungry hobos take a feed from that aluminum snack box?
Zoidberg: So now I'm in the gutter, surrounded by bums who eat garbage? Money brought me no happiness. Bupkiss!
Dandy Jim: Ooh! This boot's got a little pudding at the bottom.
Beeler: Interestingly, the Spiderians are more closely related to our elephants than our spiders.
Hermes: Don't mind us!
Nixon: The loot! The loot! The loot is on fire!
Zapp: Leela, my precious rock tub. I'll save you!
Kif: Everyone! To the fire door!
Leela: It's on fire!
Farnsworth: We're trapped, my sweet hippopotamus!
Fry: Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee!
Dwight: Where are we, Pops?
Farnsworth: Wha?
April: What happened to the food?
Leela: I think we were saved by a mysterious orange blur.
Zoidberg: Welcome, one and all. I finally figured out how money could make me happy. By using it to buy my hungry friends a feast.
Dandy Jim: Everyone join us. Oysters Rockefeller here has provided genuine turkey dogs!
Whitey: Heck, you're never too rich to enjoy a free turkey dog.
Amy: Yeah!
Bender: Alright! Turkey dog!
April: I'll take four!
Leela: Me too!
Mom: Oh, what the hell.
Hermes: Here, Dwight. The boots only cost $299.99. You invest this penny like you wanted.
Dwight: Thanks, Dad. I'm gonna take this and buy five shares of Amazon.com.
Hermes: A risk-taker? That's my boy!
Nixon: The entire surplus is gone! Oh, what a McGovern I've been! Why did I have to issue that crooked tax rebate?
Leela: At least we got a few mildly interesting stories out of it.
Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes.
Bender: Speaking of which, my story kinda petered out without me learning a lesson.
Smitty: There he is!
Bender: Alright! Closure!
Holo-Roseanne: Futurama. Noun. Um, I don't know, you just watched it, dummy. What are you asking me for? Hey, here's a fun definition Idiot. Noun. You! This has been Roseanne, your guide to the world of facts.


John Dimaggio: Prepare for the stereophonic experience.
Bender: Aw, New New York City! Woooo! Woooo! Don' worry about it! Do the robot, baby!
Farnsworth: Oh, Lord! Hiking is always such a strain on the buttocks.
Fry: Shh! What was that sound?
Bender: It wasn't a bird's nest falling. That sounds like this. Aww, they're so cute when they're scared.
Fry: I meant the sound Bigfoot just made. He's been sighted a lot in this area recently. Just last week, a blind hiker felt him.
Farnsworth: Don't tell me you actually believe in Bigfoot, you blathering ninny-hammer.
Fry: Of course I do! Bigfoot's my hero. Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with.
Zoidberg: Why?
Fry: 'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters yet longed to be one.
Zoidberg: I can so relate to that.
Leela: Ugh! Enough emotions! This isn't a fat camp, for God's sake. Although you wouldn't know it from looking.
Zoidberg: Bender, if you want to sleep in the tent tonight, you're welcome to join me and Hermes for a little "just friends" spooning.
Bender: Nah, I'm comfy out here under the stars. Real comfy!
Ranger Park: Hey, I'm Ranger Park, the park ranger.
Fry: I get it!
Ranger Park: Now since this area's a national Bigfoot preserve, we'll start with a short film about Bigfoot while I make a few phone calls.
Narrator: Bigfoot ... ... Endangered Mystery! In the dense forests of the Pacific Northwest ... ... dwells the strange and beautiful creature known as Bigfoot, perhaps.
Fry: That proves it!
Narrator: Sadly, logging and human settlement today threaten what might possibly be his habitat. Although if it's not, they don't. Bigfoot populations require vast amounts of land to remain elusive in. They typically dwell just behind rocks but are also sometimes playful, bounding into thick fogs and out-of-focus areas.
Ranger Park: It should say "Top Quality Exercycle For Sale" and could you put "top quality" in bold? You can't? OK, whatever.
Narrator: Remember, it's up to us. Bigfoot is a crucial part of the ecosystem, if he exists. So let's all help keep Bigfoot possibly alive for future generations to enjoy unless he doesn't exist. The end.
Ranger Park: I-I gotta call you back. Alright, questions?
Sal: Yeah. Have yous ever seens Bigfeet?
Ranger Park: Technically, no. But I do see him each night in my dreams and each day in the smiling faces of hairy children.
Farnsworth: Bunk! Bunk I say! Bring me a bag full of Bigfoot's droppings or shut up!
Ranger Park: I have the droppings of someone who saw Bigfoot.
Farnsworth: Shut up!
Bender: Oh, my God! Look! It's Bigfoot!
Ranger Park: Where?
Bender: Eh, he's gone. He said you should keep wasting your life though.
Petunia: Oh! I saw Bigfoot crushing cars at the county fair.
Ranger Park: What you saw was Bigfoot the monster truck. But thanks for a great question.
Fry: Sir, if I may, why don't you just set up like a billion video cameras in the woods and see if he walks by one?
Ranger Park: Ah, that would be very expensive, and most people who believe in Bigfoot are broke.
Bender: Hey, look! Bigfoot! He's back!
Ranger Park: Where?
Bender: Up your face! Everybody do the Bender!
Amy: The sky out here is amazing. Look at all those satellites.
Farnsworth: Goodnight, employees.
Hermes: Goodnight.
Zoidberg: Goodnight, Hubert.
Fry: You doin' alright out there, buddy?
Bender: Better than these gnats! That guy won't be goin' home to his kids.
Bender: Who's that? A wolf? Or some kind of boogen? Oh, God, I wish I was safe inside a tent. Fry! Fry wake up! It's me, Bigface!
Bender: Come out and groom my mangy fur!
Fry: Huh? Bigfoot? You taught yourself English?
Fry: Bigfoot? Bigfoot?
Fry: Bigfoot? Is that you? I'm not like the others, Bigfoot; I see through your monster coatings to the gentle loner inside. I bet you have a wounded racoon friend that you tenderly nurse back to health while you go... But in the end they shoot you. But you teach us about things. Oh. Just a flying saucer. Excuse me? You can't park here. The parking area's over there. Wow! Nice tube. Hey! Hey, what's the big idea? Stop abducting me. Why does your vanity plate say "Probe 1"?
Leela: There's nothing so refreshing as the clean, crisp taste of this bold Canadian beer.
Hermes: Well, see you in an hour. I gotta go do some business behind that tree.
Amy: Bender, wasn't that Fry's tent?
Bender: "Bender"!
Leela: Bender raises a good point Where is Fry?
Fry: Amy, you won't believe what happened ... ... it was so scary that you wouldn't- I know, but listen, it gets even scarier.
Farnsworth: Fry! What in Sega Genesis happened to you?
Fry: That's what I'm trying to tell you. See- Why are you all staring at me like that? Is there something on my face?
Hermes: Uh ... no.
Leela: Someone should tell him.
Fry: Tell me what?
Leela: Nothing.
Zoidberg: Well I have a lot of experience telling patients bad news, so let me break it to him gently. Fry, you have no nose! Your nose is gone! You have no nose on your face! Where it is I can't say but on your face it's not!
Fry: What?
Bender: Aww! I think it's sweet. You chopped off your nose so you could look more like your hero. Me, Bender!
Fry: My God! They must have taken it last night.
Farnsworth: Which last night?
Fry: In the woods. I was walking ... for Bigfoot, looking ... and then aliens beamed me up.
Amy: Were they little grey dudes with big oval heads? I don't get that gesture. Am I wrong?
Zoidberg: Cheer up, friend. When we get home a high-quality prosthesis will have you looking good as new.
Fry: I'm a pathetic freak. My life is ruined.
Hermes: Man, you are such a jokester!
Fry: I'll never have another moment of happiness.
Leela: I know you're trying to mask your pain with humour, but don't worry. I'm sure the Professor can clone you a new nose.
Fry: Eh, it wouldn't be the same. I want my nose. I don't want to have to teach a new one how to shoot milk when I laugh.
Farnsworth: Well there's no sense fretting. Good Lord, you're ugly! The fact is your nose is gone and we'll never find out who did it or why.
Bender: Guys! Guys! There's something on television.
Linda: Alien abductions Until now, a harmless nuisance. But recently they've taken on a sinister dimension as unsuspecting victims are returned ... without noses.
Fry: Like me!
Morbo: The culprits Shameless poachers, hunting humans without a permit.
Linda: The valuable nose, or "human horn", fetches a high price on alien worlds as an aphrodisiac.
Fry: My nose is an aphrodisiac? I'm gonna drop a barf!
Morbo: Demand for human horn is great, due, in part, to titillating scenes from depraved alien TV programmes too filthy for Earth broadcast. Let's watch.
Neptunian Woman: Human horn? But ... it is forbidden!
Neptunian Man: So is our love.
Fry: Blech! We have to track down my nose before some alien snarfs it and does the worm. Who's in?
Leela: Me and Bender and maybe Zoidberg if he feels like it.
Zoidberg: No, I'm good.
Alien: Let's see, I'll take a pancreas, two sphincters and a large Coke.
Vendor: One number three combo!
Fry: It's no use. We've been to every scuzzy bazaar in the galaxy, including Pottery Barn.
Leela: Wait. What's that?
Salesman: Welcome, friends. How may I pervert you?
Fry: Uh, I'm looking for human horn.
Salesman: Shh! You're not cops, right?
Leela: Of course not. In fact, he's a crook.
Bender: Yep. Stolen Pez anyone?
Salesman: Right this way.
Salesman: Human horn. So fresh you can still see the eyeglass marks.
Fry: Nope. Uh-uh. Ew! Now look. This is the nose we want. Did you sell it to somebody?
Salesman: I'm sorry, sir, but due to the perverted nature of our business, customer records are strictly confidential. Right this way.
Salesman: I video-tape everyone who comes in here so I can blackmail them later. Hey, I'm a porno-dealing monster, what do I care what you think? Here's the weirdo who bought your horn.
Leela: That's Lrrr! Ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8.
Lrrr: You got any, uh, you know, uh human horn?
Salesman: Speak up! You're muttering!
Lrrr: I said, uh human horn?
Salesman: You're not a cop, right?
Lrrr: Oh, no, no. I'm just some guy ... ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8!
Lrrr: So let me get this straight If I buy eight Caramello bars, you all get to go to some camp.
Bender: Yep. That's exactly the lie we used to get past your guards.
Fry: Oh, great space king, I humbly beg you to return my human horn.
Lrrr: Uh, human horn? How ridiculous! Why would a virile male like Lrrr need human horn? I don't even know what it's for. What is it, something you-you put in salad dressing?
Nd-Nd: Like you've ever seen a salad.
Lrrr: My weight is appropriate and attractive!
Leela: Whoa! You guys have issues.
Lrrr: She has issues! I'm fine! But there's no human horn around here, so make friends with the door.
Fry: Alright. I give up. I guess I'll just go home and marry a skunk.
Nd-Nd: Oh, let's just give it to him. Here.
Fry: My nose! Light of my face!
Lrrr: Uh, what is that? How do you have that, Nd-Nd? I've never seen it before. My friend left it here.
Leela: Hold still, Fry. I can reattach it with my emergency face laser.
Fry: Hey! You burned my cheek!
Leela: Yeah, sorry, I wasn't really concentrating.
Fry: No, I mean the singed flesh, I can smell it! And those lilacs on the table.
Lrrr: At least someone noticed.
Nd-Nd: For the last time, I don't like lilacs! Your first wife was the one who liked lilacs.
Lrrr: She also liked to shut up!
Fry: Well, great seeing you. I guess we'll be on our-
Bender: Yo, Highness. Uh, just out of robo-curiosity, why would you use a guy's nose for an aphrodisiac instead of his, you know, wing-dang-doodle?
Lrrr: But, uh, I thought the horn was the human wing-dang-doodle.
Bender: No, sir, chief! The main event, so to speak, is downstairs near the wallet. Ever seen soccer players line up to block a free kick? They ain't covering their noses, I'll tell you that much. Well, see you!
Lrrr: Interesting. The trousers conceal a tiny secondary horn.
Fry: Hey, what've you heard?
Lrrr: Guards! Seize him! Prepare to harvest the lower horn!
Fry: OK, you can have my nose.
Lrrr: Guards!
Guard #1: Yeah?
Lrrr: Remove the human's lower horn and prepare it to be eaten by me.
Nd-Nd: In other words, slop a lot of ketchup and salt on it.
Lrrr: Then bring it to our royal bedchamber and put it in the sock drawer with all the other things that have failed to arouse my passion for this woman.
Guard #2: Remove pants!
Fry: Wait! Listen. I'm usually the first guy to toot my own lower horn-
Bender: I'll say!
Fry: But in this case I-I just don't think it'll do any good.
Bender: That's what she said!
Leela: Let's face it, you two have deep relationship problems that can't be solved by an aphrodisiac.
Fry: However huge it might be.
Nd-Nd: So what do you suggest, painfully-single human?
Leela: Well, why don't you think back to what brought you together in the first place?
Nd-Nd: Oh, I don't know. Lrrr used to be so tender.
Lrrr: I only wrote that poem to test my printer.
Nd-Nd: We'd go walking in the woods and Lrrr would find injured little tinkle-bunnies and nurse them back to health.
Lrrr: Yes, but I'm the one who injured them!
Nd-Nd: Oh, shush. You stepped on them by accident and then you cried all night. That's the kind of sensitive man you used to be.
Lrrr: And you used to wear a size-3 cape. But not anymore! Now bring me that lower horn while I'm still in the mood.
Fry: Wh-What if we helped you get your passion back without the hassle of mutilating me?
Leela: Yeah, we know a great place in the mountains. We could take you there for a romantic dinner under the stars.
Nd-Nd: Hmm. Sounds interesting. But he would never do it.
Lrrr: Like hell I wouldn't. I'm not gonna be blamed for not going.
Fry: Then it's a deal. We get one night. I keep my horn as long as you two end up doing the horizontal monster mash.
Bender: I don't get it!
Bender: Bonjour. May I offer you a box of wine for the edge of the table?
Lrrr: No, thanks. Just water, please. Tap water!
Nd-Nd: Oh, big spender!
Lrrr: That's it! This date is over. Waiter!
Fry: So, what can I get you this evening?
Lrrr: Your lower horn!
Fry: I'll just start you off with some bread. Some sexy, arousing bread!
Lrrr: Fine! But none of that whole-grain goat food. And bring plenty of melted butter.
Nd-Nd: Why don't you just inject some fat straight into your ass and cut out the middle man?
Lrrr: One of these days, Nd-Nd. Bang! Zoom! Straight to the third moon of Omicron Persei 8!
Lrrr: Mmm! This jerked chicken is good. I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.
Bender: It's used to it!
Fry: So, uh, how are you two snooky-poopums doing?
Nd-Nd: Poorly.
Lrrr: My wife is right, for once. There's very little magic in the air. Ready the lower horn transport vessel.
Bender: Boy, who knew a cooler could also make a handy wang coffin? Hey, uh, mind if I stick these in here?
Guard #1: Go for it.
Leela: Don't worry, Fry. Things look bad but I still have a trump card; the most beautiful love song ever written. (singing badly) And I will always love you, Will always love you.
Nd-Nd: The humans are attacking!
Lrrr: Pluck the lower horn and let's get out of here!
Bender: Quick, Fry! Run for it!
Fry: Come on, freedom cage! Roll me to safety! Yes! I never thought I'd escape with my doodle, but I pulled it out!
Bender: Just like at the movie theatre!
Lrrr: Give me that!
Fry: Bigfoot! He's real! I knew it! The Loch Ness Monster's book was right!
Lrrr: Well, hello there, my furry friend.
Nd-Nd: Look at his adorable little feet. Yes, you are a cutie-pie.
Ranger Park: Holy macaroni! I can't believe I'm seeing Bigfoot! He's in focus! Oh, I've waited my entire life for this moment.
Nd-Nd: What?
Bender: What are you doing with that?
Lrrr: You're going to kill this innocent giganto?
Ranger Park: Of course not. I'm just gonna tranquilize him so I can chop off his feet as proof he exists. Then dump him back in the wild. He'll do fine.
Lrrr: You'll have to get through me first.
Ranger Park: OK. Nighty night!
Lrrr: Now leave this gentle Sasquatch, or Wood Ape, in peace so I can finally and at long last harvest this pathetic human's lower horn.
Fry: Yeah!
Lrrr: Wait. What am I saying? If I poach this beast's lower horn, am I any better than that ranger with his demented foot lust? Yes. But not by enough.
Ranger Park: Score!
Lrrr: This human's lower horn is one of God's creatures, a living thing, and all living things, large and small-
Bender: In this case "small"!
Lrrr: Have dignity and a spark of the divine.
Nd-Nd: That's the gentle, sensitive, poet warlord I fell in love with.
Lrrr: Uh, you'll wanna retreat to a safe, 500-metre radius!
Leela: Well, Fry, it looks like you get to hold onto your lower horn.
Bender: As usual! Run away!
Narrator: You're on a scenic route through a state recreation known as the human mind. You ask a passer-by for directions, only to find he has no face or something. Suddenly, up ahead, a door in the road. You swerve, narrowly avoiding The Scary Door.
Scientist: I have combined the DNA of the world's most evil animals to make the most evil creature of them all.
Man: It turns out it's Man.


Bender: Huh? I choose to not understand these signs.
Bender: Aha!
Fry: Bender? I was just not playing the holophonor.
Bender: Yeah, well you should try not stinking at it.
Fry: I am trying. I've been taking lessons.
Bender: Lessons? Oh, that's rich! Isn't it time you gave up all hope of ever improving yourself in any way?
Fry: I know I should but I just can't. Remember when I had those stomach worms that made me smart? I could play the holophonor and it made Leela like me. Hey, Bender, as long as you know, I have a holophonor recital Tuesday. I'd really like to have somebody there. Please?
Bender: Fine, I'll go already. Y'know, sometimes I wish your real parents were still alive. Not often, though.
Bender: Whoa! Hey!
Fry: Uh, hello, Mrs. Mellonger.
Mrs. Mellonger: Hello, Philip. And you must be Mr. Bender. Philip's told me so much about you. Is it true that you're a robot?
Bender: I prefer the term "love machine".
Bender: Wow! Your kid is great. How hard did you say you had to hit him?
Mother: Fairly hard.
Fry: The Grumpy Snail. Sorry!
Boy: It's too grumpy!
Fry: Ow! No! Quit it! Stop!
Mrs. Mellonger: Mr. Bender, I simply cannot teach your child.
Bender: Then good day, madam! We hope to see you soon for tea.
Fry: It's hopeless! I can hear all this great music in my head but my stupid hands can't keep up.
Bender: Aww. You know what always cheers me up? Laughing at other people's misfortunes.
Leela: Hey, guys. You missed a great delivery to Space Earth. Where you been all afternoon?
Fry: At, uh, uh, a concert.
Leela: Ooh! Was it jazz noodling? My ex-boyfriend Sean played the sax. I used to listen for hours while he sat naked on my couch and improvised.
Bender: So musicians really Rodger your Hammerstein, huh?
Leela: Yeah, it's weird; Sean was uneducated, unambitious. He was pastey and hunched-
Fry: Pretty boy.
Leela: But when he played I could sense this incredible, beautiful creative soul. Then one day I found someone else's couch fibres on his butt. I couldn't believe it. I was really...
Fry: That could be my beautiful soul sitting naked on her couch if I could just learn to play this stupid thing.
Bender: Oh, but you can. Though you may have to metaphorically make a "deal with the devil". And by "devil" I mean "Robot Devil". And by "metaphorically" I mean "get your coat".
Robot Devil: You hit a sour note about 200 years back, Doug! Let's take it from the top. Ah, Bender, Fry. You've come back for more eternal damnation.
Bender: No, this isn't a religious visit. Fry just wants holophonor lessons.
Fry: Yep. I need to get really good without practising.
Robot Devil: Hell is full of ten-year-olds who wanted exactly the same thing. Trouble is, you have what my old music teacher, Mrs. Mellonger, calls "stupid fingers". With hands like that you'll be lucky to master a belt buckle. Now wouldn't it be nice if you had a pair of robot hands to replace them?
Fry: Sure would. Oh, well. Goodbye.
Bender: Fry, you smelly idiot, I think he's willing to make some kind of deal with the devil with you.
Fry: He-He-He is? Great! Wait, what's the catch?
Robot Devil: No catch. I'll merely pick a robot at random from somewhere in the universe, probably one you've never even met, and then I'll remove his hands and switch them for yours. It's just the sort of guy I am. What do you say?
Fry: I don't know. It doesn't seem entirely moral to-
Bender: Fry, if you don't take this offer right now I will lose all respect for you and punch you.
Fry: Well, alright. You sure I probably won't know him?
Robot Devil: Definitely probably not. Just sign this contract.
Bender: Wow!
Robot Devil: And here we go!
Bender: I got a hundred bucks on Rectal-Exambot!
Fry: Robot Devil? I get your hands? Zam!
Robot Devil: Oh, what an appallingly ironic outcome.
Bender: It's not ironic, it's just coincidental. Now fork over those lady-fingers, Cookie!
Robot Devil: Y'know, I only put my name on there as a show of good faith for the other robots.
Fry: Stop being such a baby and chop my hands off.
Robot Devil: Oh, very well.
Fry: How'd you do that?
Robot Devil: They're very good hands.
Fry: At last! At last I have the power to make Leela love me.
Robot Devil: Oh, sorry. That'll wear off in a couple of days.
Fry: Check it out, everyone. I'm back from hell and I've got the Robot Devil's hands.
Amy: Neat! Let's see a trick.
Fry: Alrighty!
Scruffy: Somebody called the Robot Devil's here to see somebody called Fry.
Fry: Uh-oh.
Bender: Where'd I go just now?
Robot Devil: Hello, Fry. Just dropped by to make sure you're as happy with our little deal as I am. Give me back my hands! These things are always touching me in places.
Fry: Yeah, they get around! But I'm afraid we had a deal.
Robot Devil: Looks like I wasted a bus trip.
Fry: Yes, you did.
Grumpy Snail: Yes. Now you can hear holophonor virtuoso Philip Fry play 900 of these classic themes in your own home on this two-record set. That's over 30 minutes of music for only $14.99.
Zoidberg: Only $14.99 for a two-record set. Two records! Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer!
Man: Hello?
Zoidberg: Hello? I'll take eight!
Scruffy: Mr. Hedonismbot to see you.
Fry: Uh, show him in.
Scruffy: Very good, sir.
Hedonismbot: Ah, Fry. Congratulations. Your latest performance was as delectable as dipping my bottom over and over into a bath of the silkiest oils and creams.
Fry: Thank you, sir. That's exactly what I was going for.
Hedonismbot: You were the sole diversion in what has been a pale and unamusing season. And so I would fain commission you write an opera.
Fry: But I've never written an opera.
Hedonismbot: And I've never heard one. Still, if you can keep me amused through the overture I shall consider it a smashing success.
Fry: But I wouldn't even know what to write about. Unless... OK, I'll do it. If I can make it about Leela.
Leela: Me? Really?
Hedonismbot: A man writing an opera about a woman? Oh, sirrah, how deliciously absurd! I shall see you at the premiere.
Leela: Is it part of the opera?
Fry: Leela! You shouldn't be listening. I don't want you to hear it till it's done.
Leela: But it's so beautiful.
Fry: So's a peacock but you don't eat it until it's cooked. This has to be perfect. I want you to hear exactly what I hear when I think about you.
Leela: Oh, Fry. All this time you've had this incredible gift and I never knew. I've been a fool. A fully-justified, prudent fool. They're so cold.
Robot Devil: And yet hell is so hot! Can I have my hands back now?
Fry: No!
Robot Devil: You're not nice!
Robot Devil: Ah, Bender, this is a surprise! For you! Finding me in the refrigerator.
Bender: True, but at least I don't have the hiccups anymore. What up?
Robot Devil: Oh, well it so happens I'm in the mood to make a deal with you.
Bender: Forget it! You can't tempt me.
Robot Devil: Really? There's nothing you want?
Bender: Hm. I forgot you could tempt me with things I want. Well, I suppose I've always wondered what it would be like to be more annoying.
Robot Devil: Nothing simpler! And all I ask in return is your hands. To replace these bony hotdogs!
Bender: Grabby and Squeezy? Never! I love these guys!
Robot Devil: Well is there anything else you would part with?
Bender: No. Nothing. Ain't gonna happen.
Bender: Yes! With this built-in stadium airhorn I can really annoy people. And all it cost me was my crotch-plate.
Robot Devil: You certainly are a shrewd businessman, Bender. Now find someone and give 'em a good blast!
Bender: Yeah! That'll teach the first person I see a lesson.
Robot Devil: Ah, my ridiculously circuitous plan is one-quarter complete!
Leela: Well, Fry's opera premiere's tomorrow night. I'm off to find a pair of formal gloves that'll fit over my enormous forearms.
Bender: Pretty annoying, huh, Leela?
Leela: What? Are you talking? Oh, God! I'm deaf!
Bender: Oops. I'm so, so sorry, Leela. I just wanted to annoy you.
Leela: What? Oh, this is horrible. I won't be able to hear Fry's opera.
Robot Devil: Ah, how delightfully ironic.
Bender: It's not ironic, it's just mean. Take this!
Robot Devil: Ooh! Out of aerosol? Also ironic!
Bender: Oh, yeah? Well bite my shiny metal- Oh, nooo!
Leela: Nobody tell Fry I'm deaf. If he found out I couldn't hear his opera, it'd break his heart.
Bender: OK, deaf-o!
Hedonismbot: Courtesans and gentle fops, I bid you welcome to my opera. Let us cavort like the Greeks of old. You know the ones I mean.
Leela: Yay, Fry!
Zoidberg: I watch TV with that guy!
Holo-Vogel: Who is this one-eyed female baby Moses, With courage in her female baby smile?
Holo-Orphans: A saviour from the stars, Or something stranger still.
Holo-Leela: Or just a lonely, filthy, starving child.
Leela: Amy, Fry's looking at me. What am I s'posed to be feeling? Ah!
Holo-Bender: Leela! Leela, Leela save him! Save Fry, save Fry, Godzilla will devour him, As for me, I must be off, To have my doctor check this cough, Goodbye!
Bender: I don't recall ever fighting Godzilla, but that is so what I would have done.
Amy: One diet double Martini, please.
Bartender: And for you, sir?
Hermes: I'll just have a Shirley Hemple.
Tinny Tim: Extra! Extra! World's greatest opera only half over.
Leela: Half over? Oh, I'd give anything to hear the rest.
Robot Devil: Anything? Thank you, sir. Now, as I was saying, anything? Because I can give you new robotic ears!
Leela: What? You can give me new ears? Wait. What seemingly reasonable thing do you want in return?
Robot Devil: Just your hands, my dear.
Leela: Whatever you said, forget it!
Robot Devil: Alright then, just one hand.
Leela: Just ... my left hand? Um, uh-
Announcer: Please take your seats for act two.
Hedonismbot: But I'm not done vomiting.
Leela: I can't stand it! OK. You can have my hand.
Robot Devil: Wonderful! Just sign here. Calculon, old friend, I'm afraid I need your ears.
Calculon: Well I do owe you for giving me this unholy acting talent.
Leela: I can hear! I can hear like a safecracker! Hey, aren't you gonna take my hand?
Robot Devil: In good time. You go enjoy the opera.
Holo-Fry: To win Leela's heart with the holophonors art, I need hands of transcendental quickness.
Holo-Robot Devil: Well I don't see any danger, In gambling with a stranger, For my head is of a most amazing thickness.
Holo-Robot Devil: I'm stupid, I'm stupid, I'm stupider than you, I'm stupider than you in every way.
Robot Devil: Stupider? Pah! This opera's as lousy as it is brilliant! Your lyrics lack subtlety. You can't just have your characters announce how they feel. That makes me feel angry.
Fry: Look, what do you want?
Robot Devil: I want my hands back.
Fry: Never! (singing) A deal's a deal, Even with a dirty dealer.
Robot Devil: Very well, Then I'll take what I want from Leela.
Leela: Whoa!
Robot Devil: Leela has promised me her hand.
Leela: Fry, you do not understand.
Leela: I should have revealed I've been deafened by Bender, The shame, The shame, But I feared you'd stop writing this musical splendour, Deception's the curse of my whimsical gender, He gave me mechanical ears, Effective though just a bit garish, In return without shedding a tear, I agreed that I'd give him my hand-
Robot Devil: In marriage!
Leela: What?
Robot Devil: You'd give me your hand in marriage.
Hermes: Is this really happening or just being staged?
Farnsworth: It can't be real-
Amy: Not if Leela is engaged.
Leela: That isn't what I meant, That isn't what I signed.
Robot Devil: You should have checked the wording in the fine... Print.
Leela: I'll give you my hand...
Leela: and In marriage.
Bender: The use of words expressing something other than their literal intention, Now that is "irony".
Robot Devil: I will marry her now and confine her to hell, How droll, How droll! Where Styx is a river, And not just a band, Though they'll play our reception if all goes as planned, Unless, Fry, you surrender my hands!
Fry: Destiny has cheated me, By forcing me to decide upon, The woman that I idolise, Or the hands of an automaton, Without these hands I can't complete, The opera that was captivating her, But if I keep them, And she marries him, Then he probably won't want me dating her.
Nixon: Arooo!
Zapp: Bray-vo! Enn-core!
Farnsworth: I can't believe the devil is so unforgiving.
Zoidberg: I can't believe everybody's just ad-libbing!
Preacherbot: By the power vested in me, By the state of New New York-
Fry: No! Stop! Take my hands! (singing) You evil, metal dork!
Hedonismbot: Surgery in an opera? How wonderfully decadent and just as I was beginning to lose interest. Jombey! The chocolate icing! Oh! Oh, my!
Fry: My hands. My horrible human hands. And what did you do to my nails?
Robot Devil: I cleaned them. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's my poker night and I feel lucky. So it's back to hell for me. Come on, Nixon!
Nixon: Huh?
Hedonismbot: Less reality, more fantasy. Resume the opera.
Fry: But I can't play anymore.
Zoidberg: Yes you can! The beauty was in your heart, not your hands. The music's bad and you should feel bad.
Fry: Whoa! Hey!
Tinny Tim: Extra! Extra! Greatest opera of all time sucks.
Zoidberg: I'll take eight!
Leela: Please don't stop playing, Fry. I wanna hear how it ends.


Hermes (Vo): Planet Express delivery company roll call! Captain Turanga Leela!
Leela: Here!
Hermes (Vo): Delivery boy, first class, Philip J. Fry!
Fry: Here!
Hermes (Vo): Assistant Manager of Sales, Bender Bending Rodriguez!
Bender: Here! Cerveza, por favor.
Hermes (Vo): Long-term intern, Amy Wong.
Amy [While Combing Her Long Hair]: Here!
Hermes (Vo): Company physician, Dr. John A. Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: Huh? I thought it was mine!
Hermes (Vo): Bureaucrat Grade 34, Hermes Conrad
Hermes: Is who I am. And now I am proud to present the owner and founder of Planet Express, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth!
Farnsworth: You're all fired.
Hermes: Sweet bongo of the Congo!
Farnsworth: In fact, you were fired two years ago! That's when we were shut down by the delivery network.
Farnsworth (Vo): Yes, I'm afraid the brainless drones who run the network canceled our license.
Fry: We were canceled?
Farnsworth: Oh, it's terrible. Just terrible. Well, clear out your desks and move along. Chop-chop.
Farnsworth: Yes? I see.
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who cancelled us were themselves fired for incompetence.
Staff: Woohoo!
Farnsworth: And not just fired, but beaten up, too. And pretty badly.
Staff: Woo!
Farnsworth: In fact, most of them died from their injuries.
Staff: Woo?
Farnsworth: And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder.
Fry: Why?
Farnsworth: Oh, it's got a million and one uses.
Farnsworth: Ahhh, that soothes the fire.
Leela: So what does this mean for us and our many fans?
Farnsworth: It means we're back on the air!
Farnsworth: Yes, flying on the air in our mighty spaceship!
Staff: Woooohoooo!
Bender: We're back, baby!
All: Party! Go, go, go!
Cubert: Lower, lawn mower!
Hermes: What's the matter, robot? You got a rod up your spine?
Bender: Yes, I do. That's how I'm built.
All: Hooray.
Fry: Way to bend it!
Bender: You're the greatest, Bender!
Hermes: In Jamaica, we got 10-story office buildings lower than that.
Leela: Let's see you beat it, Rastaman.
Staff: Ooooohh...
Hermes: Let's make it interesting. Fetch down one of them sabres.
Bender: Oh, flexible. That would go good up my spine.
Hermes: Lower.
Bender: The fat guy wins!
Fry: Go, Hermes!
Hermes: That's why they call me 11-inch Conrad.
Scruffy: Oh, no.
Fry: Can you save Hermes, Dr. Goodensexy?
Dr. Cahill: I told you, my name is Dr. Cahill.
Hermes: Figures I'd get mangled while the blonde bimbo's on duty.
Dr. Cahill: I'm a doctor, sir. The mere fact that I'm blonde and have a breathy voice, full sensual lips, and a steaming hot body doesn't make me a bimbo.
Zoidberg: Tell me about it.
Hermes: I think we've all learned a thing or two about sexual stereotypes. While my head's slowly dying 'cause I'm not in a jar yet, you bimbo!
Dr. Cahill: Oh, right. Ditzy-witzy! Lars, got another jar job!
Lars: Oh, sorry, Doctor. I was disinfecting Courtney Love... Oh, hello.
Leela: What are you looking at? Is it the eye?
Lars: Guilty as charged. It's a nice looking eye, and there's plenty of it.
Leela: Oh. Do I know you?
Lars: Apparently not. Hi. I'm Lars.
Leela: Oh. I'm Leela. Nice to meet you.
Lars: Nice to be met.
Hermes: Pick up ladies on your own time, you shiny-headed goat!
Lars: Sir, you're just a little enraged 'cause you're dying. Up and away!
Amy: Lars is so flirting with you.
Leela: He is so not. He's just being polite.
Fry: Who does he think he is, being polite to you? You want me to beat him up?
Leela: No. Stop being so immature.
Fry: I'll show her who's immature.
Fry: "Charles de Gaulle"? Never heard of you.
De Gaulle: I freed France from the Nazis and...
Fry: Hey, Leela. I'm some French guy.
Bender: Rock that Frenchman, baby!
Labarbara: Oh, my poor little love pirate of the Caribbean!
Hermes: There, there, wife. Everything will be all-
Labarbara: Okay, look, Hermes, we got to think of the boy. He needs a daddy.
Hermes: He has a daddy!
Labarbara: No, he got two half-daddies. Will his body be all right?
Dr. Cahill: Yes, but it may take a few days.
Labarbara: No, not soon enough. Come, Dwight, let's find you a handsome new father.
Hermes: LaBarbara, no!
Bender: It's okay, Hermes. We're all here for you.
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We've got a delivery to the nude beach planet.
Staff: Woohoo!
Bender: So long, jerk.
Announcer: Futurama is brought to you by ... ... Torgo's Executive Powder. Only Torgo's packs the power of five highly paid television executives into every can for maxim odour absorption.
Torgo'S Jingle Singer: When your toilet smells like faeces, from some disgusting species; make it take a powder, with Torgo's!
Leela: It feels great to be back at the wheel after two long years.
Fry: That's not the wheel.
Leela: It's nice out.
Fry: "You must be at least this naked"? How much nakeder could you be?
Zoidberg: Watch and learn.
Bender: You know, it's funny.
Fry: What?
Bender: Your weiner!
Farnsworth: Well, I'm going in the water to prune up a bit before I strut. Who's with me?
Amy: I'm in!
Leela: I'm in.
Bender: Yeah, I'll go.
Fry: You guys go ahead. I gotta find the bartender and deliver this box of barstool softener.
Fry: Here's your package, sir.
Bartender: Why are you talking to my penis?
Fry: Oh, sorry. Sign here.
Bartender: Mind if I use your pen?
Fry: Well, that's not a...
Fry: And initial here.
Fry: Thank you for using Planet Express.
Leela: Hey, Fry, I didn't know you had a tattoo of Bender on your ass.
Fry: Me neither.
Bender: You got a tattoo of me? Neat. It's like looking in a smelly mirror.
Farnsworth: So he's got a little ink. Big whoop.
Bender: Sweet photons. I don't know if you're waves or particles, but you go down smooth.
Nudar: Sir, would you care to sign our petition?
Bender: I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen.
Nudar: That's just what the guys who oppose the things you support want you to do.
Bender: Really? Down with those guys!
Fleb: And we'll need your e-mail address.
Bender: Hmm, they say you shouldn't give out your e-mail address.
Nudar: Right. That's just what those same guys say.
Bender: Them again?
Leela: I don't quite understand what this petition's about.
Schlump: Animals?
Schlump: And your e-mail address.
Leela: You won't send me any spam, will you?
Nudar: Oh, no, no, no, no. Asterisk.
Leela'S Wrist Thingy: You've got spam.
Leela: Spam, spam, junk.
Amy: Spam. Spam. "Hi. How are you?" Oh, that must be from Kiffy.
Amy'S Computer: Hi, how are you? Low, low prices on erectile dysfunction remedies, sleeping pills, old-person drugs, and antidepressants.
Amy: Antidepressants? Well, I certainly don't want to get depressed.
Amy'S Computer: Please enter credit card number.
Amy: Is cash okay?
Bender: Porn. Porn. Free porn. Get rich watching porn? I find that rather hard to believe.
Bender: Warning, perform virus scan? I'm waiting for porn over here.
Bender: Oh, yeah, come on, baby.
Zoidberg: Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died.
Amy: When will those antidepressants get here?
Zoidberg: Wait, there's more. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I'll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife.
Hermes: You dumb stumps. Don't you realize you're being scammed?
Zoidberg: That is low, Hermes. Just because you don't have a body, you don't want anyone else to be prince of Nigeria. Well, try and stop me from wiring that money.
Farnsworth: What's going on here? According to my illegal key logging software, you've all been giving out personal information over the Internet. If Hermes were here, he'd fire you all.
Hermes: I am here!
Farnsworth: Quiet, you. In his absence, I'm calling a mandatory company security seminar. To the mandatorium!
Farnsworth: Now, it's not hard to spot a phoney Internet come-on. "Get rich quick x7 q"? Phoney. "Lose weight with space parasites"? Phoney. What's this? I've won the Spanish National Lottery?
Leela: No, it's a scam!
Farnsworth: My goodness, I'm rich! And to think I didn't even know I had a ticket. I just need to wire some collateral to collect the winnings.
Hermes: Professor, stop! You're giving away personal information!
Farnsworth: I can afford to give away anything I want. I've won the Spanish National Lottery.
Amy: No, don't!
Leela: It's a scam!
Hermes: Why won't anybody listen to me?!?
Farnsworth: And my mother's maiden name and her bank account numbers and ... There! I'm rich. Rich. Rich!
Farnsworth: That must be my $400 now. Hello. Or should I say, '"Buenos dias"?
Nudar: Hi. We own your company now.
Farnsworth: Hwhaa?
Bender: Welcome, boss.
Nudar: Guess I was wrong. There was a robot stupid enough to download the obedience virus.
Bender: I sure was. Make a hole, chumps. Presenting our new masters!
Bender [Carrying A Stack Of Crates Bigger Than He Is]: Where shall I put these auto-dialers, kind master?
Nudar: Between the password crank and the spamjaculator. Come on! We've got a whole planet to scam. And bring me some more Gummi Fungus!
Leela: We don't have to stand here and take abuse from a gross nerd.
Amy: Yeah!
Fry: Yeah!
Leela: Hi-yah!
Nudar: Now get back to work, you turkeys. Planet Express is still in business. We've got crap loads of quote-unquote merchandise to deliver.
Fleb: Ship them out, Your Highness.
Zoidberg: Finally, some respect.
Amy: I feel a little better.
Bender: Those marvellous scammers sure scammed us, huh?
Leela: How can you just sit there kissing the aliens' butt flaps? Don't you realize you are totally under their control?
Bender: Of course I realize it. Does that mean I can't enjoy it? Boy, were we suckers.
Lars: Greetings, earthlings.
Fry: Oh, hooray. It's handsome Lars and his fabulous jars.
Lars: Hello, everyone who isn't Leela. And a special hello to everyone else.
Hermes: Shut your lockers and get to class. How's my body doing?
Lars: Oh, I'm afraid it's behind schedule. The museum got tricked into giving all its funding to something called the Scamming Sciences Institute.
Bender: It's a fake place.
Hermes: No! That body's the cornerstone of my marriage. What's LaBarbara going to do?
Amy: Spluh! She's going to go back to her first husband.
Zoidberg: Barbados Slim? I love that guy.
Hermes: Everybody loves Slim.
Hermes: He's the only man to ever win Olympic gold medals in both limbo and sex.
Lars: Well, maybe I should get going.
Fry: Yes, I'll show you out.
Amy: No, Leela will show him out.
Leela: No, Leela will show you out. Me. Leela.
Lars: So your friend, Fry, seems nice. Are you and he dati-?
Leela: Nope.
Lars: Good, because I was maybe thinking of asking you out for dinner.
Leela: Ohhhh. I'll start maybe thinking about saying "Sure, when?"
Lars: Let me maybe give it some thought.
Lars: Tomorrow at 8 00?
Leela: Okay.
Fry: It's not fair. I've loved Leela since the day I came to the future. Did I show you the macaroni valentine I made for her?
Amy: Yes.
Fry: Look at it again. I know she thinks I'm immature, but someday I won't be. And deep down in my heart, I know we'll end up together. It's all there in the macaroni.
Leela: Lars asked me out!
Bender: What are you doing, wonderful masters?
Fleb: Sprunjing for information.
Nudar: Oh! There's something here. I can sprunje it. Robot, tear it open!
Bender: Goody, goody, goody, goody!
Zoidberg: What's that thing on your neck?
Nudar: Checking out my sprunjer, huh?
Zoidberg: I guess. What does it do?
Nudar: It's a special sense organ our species possesses. It engorges in the presence of... Information.
Zoidberg: Lucky you. All I have is a gland that gives off foul odors when I'm bored.
Bender: Hey, look, a safe!
Farnsworth: That's my safe. I call keep-offsies.
Nudar: No callsies! Open it!
Fleb: It's a gold mine. Tax forms, Social Security cards. Combination hair, blood and stool samples!
Fry: I don't get it. How can you say Lars is more mature than me?
Leela: Well, for one thing, his chequebook doesn't have the Hulk on it.
Nudar: Who are you?
Fry: Philip J. Fry.
Fleb: Social Security Number 03280810? Stool type, P-negative?
Fry: That's right.
Nudar: I've never detected so much information before. I think it may be a Level 87 code.
Schumlp: Level 87? Can it be? I thought it was only a legend, but the sprunjer never lies.
Nudar: It's in his pants!
Fry: What the hell are you talking about?
Nudar [Holding A Laser To Farnsworth'S Head]: Faster, faster!
Farnsworth: I'm sciencing as fast as I can.
Bender: What do you say, folks? Hot or not?
Nudar: You, boogerbot, read the code or I'll shoot this guy.
Bender: Who the hell is he?
Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor.
Bender: Hang on, Scruffy! Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, one, one, one, zero, one, zero, zero, zero, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, one, zero, zero, one, one.
"God": Huh?
Fleb: A time sphere.
Nudar: Naked brothers, we have sprunjed upon the universal machine language time code. The key to time travel!
Leela: What's the secret of time travel doing on Fry's ass?
Fry: It was bound to be somewhere.
Schlump: Beyond this shimmering portal lie all the glories of history.
Nudar: And we can steal them! We just go to the past and take stuff with our superior weapons!
Nibbler: Stop, you fools!
Amy: What's going on?
Farnsworth: What is happening?
Leela: Nibbler, you... You can talk?
Nibbler: I can do more than talk. I can pontificate. You must not use the code of codes. With each and every use, you risk tearing the universe asunder.
Schlump: The poodle-monkey may be right. The legend warns that the code is powerful and dangerous.
Nudar: My God. We'd better use it only three or four times. Six, max.
Nibbler: But even a single use could shatter the universe!
Nudar: Got it. Two or three times.
Nibbler: I see I have no choice. Nibblonians, attack!
???: Hey! That tickles.
Nudar: And the pitch!
Nibblonian: Mayday, mayday!
Aliens: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Nibblonian: Scamper!
Zoidberg: Aawww...
Nibbler: Alas, our kitten-class attack ships were no match for their mighty chairs. The universe is doomed. Doomed!
Fry: Can I pull up my pants now?
Nibbler: Dooooooomed!