Announcer: Futurama is brought to you by ... ... Thompson's Teeth The only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Today marks our dear friend Dr. Zoidberg's 10th year with Planet Express. Huzzahs are in order.
Fry: Huzzah!
Leela: Huzzah!
Amy: Huzzah!
Zoidberg: Hooray for me! Hooray for Zoidberg!
Hermes: I will now read the mandatory speech. Dear employee. Has it really been five, 10 or 15 years? If not, please disregard this and get back to work. Distribute token of appreciation and applaud.
Zoidberg: Look! Coupons! I can get two oil changes for the price of one! Now if I could only afford the one ... and the car. Ah, the years! So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out of patients' bodies-
Hermes: Yes, yes. Now here's your pension statement. It's empty because you haven't paid into it, you dumb stinkbug!
Zoidberg: You kept track of it all these years!
Fry: Oh, no, I'm boned! I haven't paid into the pension either. What'll I do when I retire?
Bender: I thought you were retired.
Fry: Hey, I don't see you planning for your old age.
Bender: I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to "off".
Fry: Well I'm gonna take action. It's time to check on my retirement fund. Damn! Still only $100.
Franklin: A penny saved is a penny earned. Also, could you get some athlete's foot cream for my face?
Fry: He's right! I've gotta start investing wisely.
Fry: Well, I'm down to my last lottery ticket. Cherry. Cherry! Mule. Crud!
Bender: So, you got six bucks left to retire on. I recommend Tender Vittles.
Teller: You're opening a retirement account for $6? I'm sure a wealthy ... ... mule farmer like yourself is aware that we charge a $10 monthly fee.
Fry: You gotta spend money to make money.
Teller: Here you are, sir. Your account is now overdrawn by $4.
Robot: Gee, I've seen lines move faster in a sperm bank.
Bender: That's for sure- Roberto! Is that you?
Roberto: Bender! Hey, man!
Bender: You old lunatic! How you been?
Roberto: Not bad, not bad. Everybody on the floor! This is a stick-up!
Bender: Yeah, I'm doing OK too. I'm taking a Chinese cooking class at the Learning Annex.
Roberto: Cool. Ca-Can you give me a hand here?
Bender: Sure thing, pal.
Roberto: Hey, you! Red! Quit watering that plant and get the door!
Bender: Well, nice talking to you.
Roberto: Same here. You guys are alright! Here's something for your trouble.
Bender: Hey, thanks, buddy!
Smitty: Freeze, punks! You're under arrest!
Nixon: Shoot them in the back! Quick! While they're not looking!
Bailiff: Court is in session. The Honourable Judge Whitey presiding.
Whitey: The charge is bank robbery. Now, my caddie chauffeur informs me that a bank is a place where people put money that isn't properly invested. Therefore, robbing a bank is tantamount to that most heinous of crimes, theft of money.
Hyper-Chicken: As the surveillance camera for the bank what all the judge was a-jawing about, could y'all tell us what you done seen the day of the crime?
Camera: Well, let's see. My memory's a little fuzzy, but it went exactly like this
Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, I move that I be disbarred for introducing this evidence against my own clients.
Hyper-Chicken: Mr. Fry, do you recognise the robot a-huggin' on you in this here hologram?
Fry: I sure do! That's the real robber and I'll never forget his name as long as I live. And that name is-
Leela: Fry! Just give a name. You don't wanna look stupid on Court TV!
Fry: You're right. You're right. It was-
Whitey: Yes? What? You say if I testify I'll be killed? Oh. It's for you.
Roberto: ...and the other hamburger will...
Roberto: ...also be made of your lungs. So long, pal.
Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be chopped up into a patty.
Whitey: Ah, the 67th Amendment.
Hyper-Chicken: I may be a simple country Hyper-Chicken but I know when we're finger-licked. Whattya say we plead insanity?
Bender: A few months in an insane asylum? I could do that standing on my head.
Hyper-Chicken: If you start now, it might help our case.
Whitey: Counselor, what evidence do you offer to support this new plea of insanity?
Hyper-Chicken: Well, for one, they done hired me to represent them.
Whitey: Insanity plea is accepted. Mr. Bender, I hereby commit you to the asylum for criminally insane robots until such time as you are deemed cured.
Bender: Yahoo! The system fails again!
Whitey: And, Mr. Fry, I sentence you to the home for criminally insane humans.
Bailiff: Your Honour, that facility has been full ever since you ruled that being poor is a mental illness.
Whitey: Order! Order! The only poor people I want to hear about are the people who tend to my pores at the spa. Just send them both to the robot loony bin and let's go.
Fry: Ow! My head! Ow! My feet! Ow! My head! Ow! My feet!
Farnsworth: Keep your chin up!
Fry: Ow! My chin!
Fry: I don't belong here, Bender. This is an asylum for insane robots!
Bender: Well, you meet half the qualifications.
Fry: Oh, good, a physical! Once they examine my fragile, naked, pink body, they'll see I'm not a-
Fry: What the-
Bender: I find that offensive!
Dr. Perceptron: Greetings. I am Dr. Perceptron. Let me give you something to help you relax.
Fry: Look! There's been a terrible mistake. I'm a human being. See? I'm all squishy and flabby. Also, I complain a lot.
Dr. Perceptron: Yes, you do. You need to relax more. Terrific. Now, consider the following You were admitted to this robot asylum. Therefore, you must be a robot. Diagnosis complete.
Fry: I do other human stuff! I age! See?
Nurse Ratchet: I'm Nurse Ratchet. Please come with me, won't you?
Nurse Ratchet: We'll meet your roommate next, shall we? His name is Malfunctioning Eddie.
Fry: The car dealer? Wow! I guess his prices really were insane.
Nurse Ratchet: He's very excitable. So don't say anything to surprise him.
Malfunctioning Eddie: Pleased to meet you.
Fry: Actually, we've met once before.
Malfunctioning Eddie: What?
Hairbot: I'm a pretty girl. I'm a pretty girl. I'm a pretty girl.
Bender: Whoa! Someone had a busy day.
Fry: My roommate exploded. Oh, you gotta help me, Bender. How can I prove I'm human?
Bender: You could drop dead. That'd show 'em.
Fry: I don't wanna!
Unit 2013: Hey, man. I believe you're a human.
Fry: You do?
Unit 2013: Sure. They don't believe I'm a human either. Name's Unit 2013. C'mon. Lemme introduce you around. Fry, meet Norm. How's it going, pal? Still picking up transmissions from the CIA on your teeth?
Norm: They just won't stop!
Woman: The CIA cafeteria menu for the week of May 15th is as follows Monday, shepherd's pie. Tu-
Unit 2013: Cuckoo!
Fry: Let me guess, he thinks he's Lincoln?
Unit 2013: Well, he's supposed to. Problem is he's got multiple personalities - all of them Lincoln.
Lincolnbot: I was born in 200 log cabins.
Unit 2013: And this here is Frankie. He's convinced he's a lunchroom worker, so they put him to work in the lunchroom. How is work in the lunchroom, Frankie?
Frankie: It's alright.
Unit 2013: Poor Frankie!
Mad Hatterbot: Change places!
Fry: Bender, I can't take much more of this! I want outta here!
Bender: Are you crazy? This place is great! Electroshock whenever you want it, two Lincolns for every Napoleon. Ah! Sweet light crude!
Fry: But I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having discs crammed into me. Unless they're Oreos - and then only in the mouth! Don't you understand? I'm gonna die here!
Bender: Ah, quit your bellyaching and take it like a robot.
Mad Hatterbot: Change places!
Victor: The doctor says you are making great strides with your exploding problem.
Malfunctioning Eddie: Well, the way I see it-
Fry: You gotta get me out of here. I would have starved to death if not for that sick vending machine robot. Gimme! Gimme!
Hermes: Poor Fry! He's got the munchies for freedom!
Leela: We're all trying to help you. We've petitioned the governor but he doesn't want to appear soft on people who've been falsely imprisoned.
Fry: At least I have friends on the outside. Bender's been no help at all.
Bender: Je suis Napoleon! No, seriously, I'm not.
Amy: Bender! You should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.
Bender: Ah, lighten up, honey. I'm just trying to get through a difficult time using humour.
Nurse Ratchet: Visiting hours are over. Time for our medication disks.
Fry: Help me! For God's sake, help me!
Farnsworth: Oh, don't worry, Fry. I too once spent a nightmare-ish time in a robot asylum. But now it's nearly over. So long.
Fry: Thirty days hath September, April, June and ... wonder ... is that peanut butter ... what am I gonna do? Oh, God! What? What? What is it now?
Dr. Perceptron: You are being released.
Fry: Finally! Sweet justice! Sweet, juicy justice!
Dr. Perceptron: Not you. Him.
Malfunctioning Eddie: Me? What a surprise. Look!
Malfunctioning Eddie: I barely exploded at all.
Dr. Perceptron: We can control that with medication.
Nurse Ratchet: Fry? Are we ready to meet our new roommate?
Roberto: Hi, Red!
Fry: Roberto! W-W-W-What are you doing here?
Roberto: I got busted robbing that bank again.
Fry: Why would you hold up the same bank twice?
Roberto: Ah, that first time was just to case the joint and rob it a little. What's the matter? You scared?
Fry: N- N- N-
Roberto: Noticeably? I'll say! Now stand back, I gotta practise my stabbing.
Fry: No! Please! Help! Stop it! Please!
Bender: Hey! Keep it down in there! I'm tuning my banjo!
Roberto: Jeez, Red. Quit cowering. You call yourself a robot?
Fry: I'm not a robot! I'm not a robot!
Dr. Perceptron: In answer to your question, Hermes, yes, your friend is cured.
Hermes: Oh!
Farnsworth: What a relief!
Leela: Thank God!
Dr. Perceptron: You'll notice he no longer suffers delusions of humanity.
Fry: Affirmative. I feel nothing. I am a robot. Beep, beep, beep ...
Leela: You've made a terrible mistake. He's a human being, not a machine. Oh, Fry!
Bender: Gonna sing a little tale about a battle called Waterloo. Bonjour, y'all!
Zoidberg: Listen to me, Fry. Just because you think you're a robot, doesn't make you a robot. After all, I think I'm a doctor but that doesn't make me a doctor. These fancy clothes do!
Fry: Negative. I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me?
Leela: Oh, lots of reasons.
Fry: Bio-units, terminate noise exchange. It is time for you to ingest sandwiches from my compartment.
Bender: Here we go. Just a minute. Aha!
Commentator: And down the stretch, it's Daddy's Little Grandpa, followed by Perennial Loser, and bringing up the rear, it's Lasty!
Bender: Come on, Lasty!
Roberto: Hey, Bender.
Bender: Roberto! Ooh, what a surprise to see you in here! Especially 'cause I didn't squeal on you, remember? Remember all that squealing I didn't do? Remember? Do you?
Roberto: Yeah, yeah. Now lie down and play dead. And don't ham it up!
Bender: Uh, sure. Anything for you, buddy.
Roberto: Wait here, Bender. I need to get a disguise.
Bender: Uh, what's with the get-up?
Roberto: I'm in disguise 'cause I'm thinking of escaping. You in? Or do I gotta kill you so you don't squeal?
Bender: I'm in! I'm in! So when were you planning the breakout?
Roberto: I'm thinking maybe a few seconds ago.
Bender: Quick! Let's keep escaping!
Hermes: Times two, carry the one...
Fry: Oh, you sad, worthless human.
Hermes: What are ya- Sacred hog of Prague! That was my anniversary gift to LaBarbara!
Fry: Fear not! For I shall assist ye!
Hermes: Robots don't say "ye"!
Fry: Relax, mammal. My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs. What is the meaning of this symbol?
Hermes: That's a plus sign, you pointy-haired loony! Quit thinking you're a robot!
Fry: I'll show ye!
Fry: Stand back. I'm a tool-bot.
Leela: You're not a tool-bot. You're not a food-motron. You're not a robot of any kind.
Fry: Yes, I am. I simply haven't discovered my primary function yet.
Leela: OK, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his humanity the way only a woman can.
Farnsworth: You're going to do his laundry?
Leela: Fry, this is for you.
Fry: Beep.
Leela: Oh, for God's sake!
Zoidberg: By a scallop's forelocks! What's with all the beer, Fry?
Fry: Alcohol fuels my power cells. And as a mighty robot, I- Beep.
Roberto: Thanks for helping me escape, Bender.
Bender: Oh, it was nothing.
Roberto: It was not nothing! I wanna repay you. Let me get you something in here.
Roberto: Hands up! This is a stick-up again!
Bender: Wow! Hitting the same place three times? I admire your style, Roberto.
Roberto: Gimme the remaining dough. And the calendars ... and that pen. Try to tear it so most of the beads are on my end!
Url: Police! You're busted!
Smitty: And don't try anything. This glass here is laser-proof. Fire lasers! Duck! Lasers!
Bender: Come on! I got a place where I like to hide after crimes.
Amy: Aw! He looks like a little insane drunken angel.
Bender: Hey, everybody. Meet my good pal, Roberto.
Hermes: Hey, mon.
Roberto: Nice to meet you.
Smitty: Come out with your hands up.
Roberto: Hostages!
Roberto: Back off! I got hostages!
Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm helping!
Smitty: Do you have any better hostages?
Roberto: To show them who's crazy, I'm gonna execute some of you. How 'bout you?
Farnsworth: Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats.
Leela: Wait! Take me first!
Bender: Yes! Take her first.
Roberto: Shut up! Stop telling me how to do this!
Zoidberg: Oh, the fear!
Roberto: I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. Guess it and you die first. Go!
Bender: Um ... OK. Fifty ... six ... ish?
Roberto: 56? 56? Oh, man! Now that's all I can think about! I'm gonna kill you, you ... no good ... 56-ing-
Bender: Don't kill me yet! I'm starting to come down with Stockholm Syndrome ... handsome!
Fry: Halt, fellow robot!
Roberto: Hey, Red. You're just in time to join the hostage situation. Which side you wanna be on?
Fry: The side that kicks your twisted, metal ass!
Leela: Fry! Stay back. He's too powerful.
Fry: Negative, bossy meat creature. I know now what my primary function is I am a battle-droid. Sworn to protect the weak from crazy robots.
Roberto: I'm not crazy! Don't call me crazy! I'm just not user-friendly!
Hermes: Fry! Don't be a hero! It's not covered by the health plan!
Roberto: Let's see how much of a robot you really are!
Fry: No knife can penetrate my skin-tanium armour.
Roberto: Help! Help! He is a battle-droid! Somebody help me! Mommy! I'm sorry I spilled the transmission fluid, Mommy! No! No! Don't weld me to the wall, Mommy!
Smitty: We're willing to listen to your demands.
Url: Hey, baby. Wash that off before you put it back.
Hermes: Who's brave now?
Amy: Hooray!
Zoidberg: Bravo!
Leela: You did it, Fry.
Bender: Congratulations, buddy. You're a credit to my race.
Fry: It was nothing. I- Blood? Robots don't have blood. I must be a, a-
Zoidberg: A squid?
Fry: A human! Oh, my God! I'm a human!
Zoidberg: Also good.
Leela: Thanks for saving us, Fry.
Fry: I'm gonna continue never washing this cheek again.
Bender: Buddy, you may be wrapped in greasy skin, but inside, you've got the heart of a robot.
Fry: Aw. Thanks, Bender.
Bender: Just like inside me, I've got the heart of a human. What?
Bender: What?


Bender: Ah, beer! So many choices, and it makes so little difference.
Fry: How 'bout Löbrau? It has dots on it.
Bender: Overruled. The choice of champions is Pabst Blue Robot!
Fry: I can't drink that! The metal shavings make my throat bloody.
Bender: Baby wants a Zima!
Leela: Hey, hey! We can all fight when we're drunk. Now, listen, why don't we just brew our own beer?
Bender: You can brew your own beer?
Leela: Sure. The kids at the orphanarium used to do it all the time.
Hermes: Cursed bacteria of Liberia. My own son, suspended from boarding school.
Dwight: It's not my fault, Dad.
Farnsworth: And you, Cubert! I cloned you from one of my warts and I can send you straight back in there.
Cubert: Nuh-uh!
Zoidberg: What's going on? Is this angry yelling or busted-hearing-aid yelling?
Hermes: I'm afraid it's both.
Farnsworth: What?
Labarbara: Now hold on. Everyone, cool your daiquiris! Let's give the little vermin a chance to explain themselves.
Dwight: It was self defence, Mom. Just look at this letter the principal sent. We were in science class and we had just finished building a miniature black hole.
Cubert: That was easy.
Bret: Pretty scrawny black hole. It must be hungry.
Cubert: Duh! Black holes don't need food.
Bret: Neither do nerds!
Dwight: My Manwich!
Cubert: That's it, Bret. You've compressed our lunches to a singularity for the last time! Salt him, Dwight!
Bret: When I re-solidify, I'm gonna put you in a world of goop!
Cubert: See? That bully started it. We couldn't fight back with brawn so we used our brains!
Farnsworth: I've warned you not to use those things!
Leela: Let's see. We've got our malt, our hops. We just need a big disposable tub to mix it in.
Bender: Yo!
Leela: Now it needs to boil for a couple hours.
Hermes: Dwight, you remember the crew.
Dwight: Eh.
Farnsworth: Crew, you remember Cubert? Wonderful! Then I'm sure you won't mind being their legal guardians for a month!
Cubert: Well, well. If it isn't my old friend, stretch pants ... ... no pants and ... ... idiot!
Bender: We're making beer. I'm the brewery.
Dwight: I heard alcohol makes you stupid.
Fry: No I'm ... doesn't.
Leela: Actually, Dwight, you're right. Alcohol is very, very bad ... for children. But once you turn 21 it becomes very, very good. So scram!
Dwight: Aw, man!
Cubert: I'm sick of this.
Cubert: Hey, Dad. What useless contraption are you half-baking today?
Farnsworth: Eh, wha? Oh! This is my latest invention; a device that lets anyone sound exactly like me!
Cubert: Good news, everyone! I'm a horse's butt!
Farnsworth: I am? That's not good news at all, you little-
Dwight: What's this devices marketability? Who's the target consumer?
Farnsworth: There is no target consumer! Only targets. Targets that will tremble in fear as their new master hands down edicts in my glorious, booming voice! Now quit pestering me, you scoundrels!
Hermes: Stamp it, file it. Oh, yeah! Send it overnight!
Dwight: Can I collate that?
Hermes: No!
Cubert: Can I shred these contracts?
Hermes: No!
Dwight: Wow! A power-stamper!
Hermes: Now look at all the work I gotta do! Ow!
Leela: Mmm. The ingredients are cooked. And they've picked up some of your natural robot flavourings. Time to add the yeast.
Bender: Yeast? You mean I'll have a lifeform growing inside me? It's so beautiful.
Leela: Talk to me.
Farnsworth: This is Professor Farnsworth. I have an important delivery for you and your dumb crew. You must deliver a pizza to Dogdoo 8, a planet at the edge of the universe.
Cubert: Sorry I can't come down to say goodbye, but I'm busy inventing useless junk.
Dwight: And I smell bad.
Cubert: Hey!
Leela: If you were my kids, you'd get quite a talking to ... from your father ... when he got home from the Senate.
Farnsworth: Oh, bother! What have they done now?
Bender: Those pork dumplings sent us on a fake pizza delivery.
Fry: The address was on Dogdoo 8 but the universe ends right after Dogdoo 7.
Hermes: Child man, is this true?
Dwight: Yeah, but why are you mad at us? Your dummy brigade wasted a week on an obviously fake mission.
Cubert: Plus, they're making bootleg beer inside company property!
Bender: Lies! Lies and slander!
Farnsworth: Accusing gentle Bender of a misdeed? That's the last straw! You boys have been underfoot long enough!
Hermes: You jerked the words right outta my mouth. We're their fathers and it's high times we acted like it.
Bender: Ooh-hoo! Here comes violence!
Hermes: Get a job, you lazy kids!
Bender: I guess if you want children beaten ... ... you have to do it yourself.
Cubert: Come on, Dad, shuffle faster!
Dwight: You don't wanna miss the unveiling of our new company, do you?
Hermes: Company? How cute! What will you be pedalling? Lemonade? Shoe shines? Cootie insurance?
Farnsworth: Perhaps they've constructed a teddy bear hospital!
Cubert: Actually, we're starting a competing delivery company.
Hermes: Welcome to the world of business!
Farnsworth: Who's going to use a delivery service with a kicked sign? Nobody, that's who!
Dwight: But we already have a client signed up. We're delivering the Daily Supernova.
Hermes: So your delivery company is just a cute, harmless paper route?
Farnsworth: Phew!
Dwight: No! It's a serious business.
Farnsworth: Yes it's a tremendous responsibility, alright! What if a paper were to land in a puddle?
Hermes: Civilisation as we know it might get splashed!
Dwight: Why do they always treat us like dumb kids? We're practically old enough to find the Fox Network infantile!
Cubert: We'll show 'em. All Awesome Express needs is a sturdy interstellar delivery craft. Voilà! You got a quarter?
Dwight: Man, the ad said to allow four to six seconds for delivery.
Cubert: More like seven!
Bender: I'm really starting to swell up with beer. I must look ridiculous.
Fry: No, you have a healthy glow.
Bender: Oh, my God! I just felt it ferment!
Leela: Ooh! Let me feel. Have you thought about what to name it?
Bender: I was thinking "Benderbrau" if it's an ale, "Botweiser" if it's a lager.
Fry: I hope it's a lager so I can take it to a ball game. Ooh, I felt that one!
Cubert: Uh, there's a crack in the hull here. That could cause explosive decompression.
Dwight: Put a sticker on it.
Hermes: Off on your first delivery, eh? You be careful, my little tinkler. Remember we used to call you that, huh? Tinkler?
Sal: Gets movin'! Those newspapers won'ts deliver themselveses! Only the Sunday edition can dos that.
Farnsworth: Goodness, there must be 50 papers in that bundle! That's a big number, 50.
Cubert: Yeah, if you're an idiot!
Dwight: Three, two, one.
Cubert: All systems go.
Dwight: Blast-off!
Hermes: See you at din-din!
Farnsworth: I'm blowing you a kiss.
Cubert: Take evasive action!
Farnsworth: It's closing in! You can't avoid it! It's a cheek-seeker. And ... gotcha!
Cubert: Nooo!
Hermes: Business is down, so I filed papers to have you all reclassified as slaves.
Farnsworth: Well, well. If it isn't our little munchkin moguls!
Hermes: What's the trouble, men? Need some penny rolls for your profits?
Cubert: Actually, thanks to Dwight's brilliant accounting and my unaccountable brilliance ... ... our paper route now has over a million customers!
Dwight: We're finally making more money than you guys! Aren't you impressed now, Pops? Aren'tcha? Aren'tcha?
Hermes: Uh, in a small way, yes. But you still don't have your own building or conference table or ... or one of those things!
Zoidberg: Hello!
Dwight: Our dads are never impressed, no matter what we do.
Cubert: Maybe we should start a fire.
Dwight: If we really wanna impress them we'll have to crush them with strategy ... Dwight Lightning!
Cubert: Very well. But I get to name the next strategy.
Announcer: This week on The Real World The Sun.
Man: I'm burning to death!
Leela: You know how much an apartment that big would cost on the Sun?
Hermes: People, as you know, our young sons have become great successes in the very same field as us.
Bender: Alright!
Fry: That's great!
Leela: That's good!
Hermes: Naturally, we're humiliated.
Farnsworth: That's why we need you, our loyal crew, to make Planet Express 800% more profitable.
Hermes: We'll start by slashing salaries, and this time I mean really slashing.
Leela: Uh, guys, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'll just let Fry blurt it out thoughtlessly.
Fry: We don't work for you anymore!
Farnsworth: What?
Leela: Dwight and Cubert made us a better offer. We're paperboys now.
Cubert: Incoming! We got papers to stuff, team! Hup two, hup two!
Fry: Yes, sir.
Bender: Right away!
Leela: We're on it, Mr. Farnsworth.
Farnsworth: Folks, the situation is grim but we shall prevail, thanks to you, our crack team of loyal dregs!
Hermes: I don't even know who this guy is!
Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor.
Farnsworth: Yes, of course you are. Now we've got to buckle down and save Planet Express.
Scruffy: I'm on break.
Cubert: Sorry to interrupt this whirlwind of activity but we have an announcement.
Dwight: I direct your attention to these forms, which I'm presently engaged in handing to you.
Hermes: Sweet guinea pig of Winnipeg! They've taken over our company!
Farnsworth: Balderdash! I never agreed to that!
Dwight: No. But you did declare yourself dead three years ago as a tax dodge.
Farnsworth: Tax dodge, nothing! You take one nap in a ditch at the park and they start declaring you this and that.
Cubert: Either way, I technically inherit your building and your spaceship, which means Planet Express is now ... ... Awesome Express!
Hermes: You rotten kids! Will you be hiring?
Dwight: No.
Hermes: You rotten kids!
Fry: There. One million papers, folded and loaded!
Cubert: Hey, Leela, help me apply these flame decals I got in my cereal. They'll make the ship go faster.
Leela: And what's your scientific basis for thinking that?
Cubert: I'm 12.
Farnsworth: Oh, did I ever tell you how I used to own that ship?
Zoidberg: There but for the grace of God.
Bender: Hush, little brewski, Don't you leak, Daddy wants to drink for at least a week.
Fry: Hurry, Leela! Get some coasters and cold mugs.
Fry: Push, Bender, push!
Leela: You're doing great!
Bender: It feels like I'm trying to push a water bed outta me.
Fry: Almost there. Just two more bottles.
Bender: Is it OK? I can't hear anything.
Fry: It's an ale! Five gallons, six ounces!
Dwight: Hey, what's goin' on? This is a delivery company not a delivery room!
Cubert: We just busted our bums delivering a million papers and this is how you greet us, with a bunch of frosty, cold beers?
Fry: Hey, wait a second. How did you deliver a million papers in one hour?
Cubert: Uh ... we just did, OK? 'Cause we're awesome! Yeah! Awesome.
Dwight: Yeah, awesome!
Leela: Hello, Awesome Express; the rude, crude delivery dudes. How may I direct your call? What's that? You haven't gotten your paper? In how long?
Farnsworth: Uh, might a homeless old man have a touch more beef bourguignon? And another tequila slammer? Please?
Labarbara: Don't you sweet talk me, you wrinkly, old tube sack!
Hermes: Might I have one too, wife?
Labarbara: Oh, you're both pathetic, being jealous of your own offspring. Now you should be happy they became successes, instead of following in your foot stamps.
Hermes: Oh, it's true. But they grow up so fast. We just wanted a few more years of being better than them.
Farnsworth: They're so stinking talented, they don't even need their fathers anymore.
Cubert: Dad! We screwed up!
Farnsworth: You did? Tough luck, suckers!
Dwight: Please, help us, Pops. We agreed to deliver way more papers than we can handle.
Cubert: But we couldn't handle them, so we started dumping the extras in a crater on the Moon.
Dwight: And now everyone's yelling at us about our missing papers!
Cubert: And we don't know what to do!
Farnsworth: Why did you boys do all this?
Dwight: We just wanted you to be proud of us.
Hermes: Proud of you? You ruined us with sleazy business practices and a complete disregard for human decency. Of course we're proud of you!
Farnsworth: Damn right we are! Now come on, let's go do a little father-son weaselling out of this.
Farnsworth: Good thing I had this net installed for catching giraffes.
Hermes: OK, boys, let me show you how a paper man does it.
Little Prince: Au revoir!
Dwight: Can I use the gun, Dad?
Hermes: Aw, what kind of father would I be if I said no?
Dwight: Only one house to go. We did it! Run away! That bully, Bret Blob, lives there!
Cubert: He's ugly mean stupid stink mucus! And last week we sort of ... broke his window.
Hermes: Alright, alright. What do we do when we break somebody's window?
Dwight: Pay for it?
Hermes: Oh, heavens, no! We apologise, with nice, cheap words!
Bret: I thought I heard the doorbell but I see it was the dorkbell!
Dwight: Man, you're funny. Good one, Bret.
Farnsworth: Now, now, no need to give us the business. We'd like a word with you daddy.
Bret: Whatever. Dad!
Hermes: Don't worry, boys. I'm sure his father is a perfectly normal, reasonable man.
Horrible Gelatinous Blob: What the hell do you want?
Farnsworth: Mr. Blob, our sons have come to apologise for damaging your window. They've learned their lesson and they want to make amends.
Cubert: Sorry, sir.
Dwight: Yeah, sorry.
Horrible Gelatinous Blob: You can shove your apology into the bottom of your one-way digestive system.
Farnsworth: Now see here. We assured our sons that you'd accept their apology.
Horrible Gelatinous Blob: Aww. Tell you what, I'll accept their apology when they kiss my ass! Which I don't have!
Farnsworth: No one gives my boy that option!
Hermes: Bring it on, Jello-pop!
Cubert: Yeah, get him, Dad!
Dwight: Show 'em who's boss! Get 'em ... Pops!
Cubert: Right.
Cubert: That was incredible! You are the bravest dads in the entire trauma centre!
Dwight: You guys almost had him ... until he digested you.
Hermes: Oh, you're good kids. If I could feel anything right now, it would be pride. I was wrong! I can still feel pain!
Farnsworth: He's come to finish the job! Someone toss me out the window!
Horrible Gelatinous Blob: No, no, wait. I-I feel terrible about what happened. I-I've just been under a lot of stress lately down at the plant, y'know. They're-They're bringing in computers to "improve productivity" and, well, that's no excuse for how I acted. But the boy needs to see that real men solve their disagreements with words, not violence, so, uh, if you'll accept my apology, well, I hope we can put this embarrassing incident behind us.
Farnsworth: I suppose.
Bender: Hey, chumps, I heard you were on the ass-end of an ass-kicking so I figured you could use a couple these little babies.
Hermes: Oh, why not? Might as well live it up as long as I've got this catheter in me!
Farnsworth: Won't you join us, Mr. Blob?
Horrible Gelatinous Blob: Sounds like a plan!
Hermes: This is what makes life worth clinging to; three fathers enjoying a day out with their sons.
Farnsworth: It would seem we've taught our boys a lesson about life Man or Blob, it's what's inside that counts.


Bender: Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride, uh-huh, uh-huh Well, Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride, Blah, blah, blah, something, Bender is great! Froggy went a-courtin' and Bender is great, uh-huh-
Fry: Oh, my God! They dug up a bag of olestra chips from my time! There must be layers and layers of old stuff down there.
Bender: What's that? One of those Led Zeppelins I've heard so much about?
Fry: No, it's an old Volkswagen van. Hey, Mister? Mind if I take this old van?
Sal: Sure. You wanna dump the corpses out of theres, it's yourses.
Fry: Yeah, yeah, I've gotten used cars before.
Leela: What's that? One of those Jefferson Starships I've heard so much about?
Fry: It's called a van, and in light of the fact that it's not a-rockin', I invite you to come a-knockin'!
Amy: Wow, neat.
Hermes: It's a triumph of free-spirited German engineering.
Amy: Hey, the speedometer only goes up to 80. This thing can't go faster than 80,000 miles an hour?
Fry: No, it can't, but it's got a driver's-side floor and an 8-track player with genuine mono sound.
Farnsworth: Where's the device that lets you speed or slow the passage of time?
Fry: Under the seat.
Leela: Why won't it start?
Fry: It just needs some gas.
Farnsworth: Wrong again, idiot. There is no gas. Petroleum reserves ran dry in 2038.
Leela: Gas was an environmental disaster, anyway. Now we use alternative fuels.
Fry: Like what?
Leela: Whale oil. Bender, lift it up to the can opener.
Bender: Oh, no! I'm not going near it. Last time, that magnetic psycho nearly cut my head off.
Fry: Oh, right. Plus, the magnet screws up your inhibition unit and makes you sing folk songs.
Bender: What? Who said anything about me secretly wanting to be a folk singer? How ridiculous.
Fry: Bender, if you don't open that can right now, your fear will own you, and nothing that can opener could ever do would be worse than that.
Bender: OK, OK, I can do this. It's time to take life by the cans.
Leela: Come on!
Hermes: You can do it!
Amy: Bender!
Farnsworth: Go on, you dummy.
Bender: Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care, Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care,
Fry: Oh, no!
Bender: Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care, Cause the master's gone away.
Zoidberg: It's toe-tapping-ly tragic.
Bender: Doc, I can't move my arms and legs. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: This is the worst part of the job.
Bender: What is it, good news?
Doctor: Bender, your hydraulics are shot. You'll never move again.
Bender: You mean-
Doctor: I'm sorry, you'll have to get a new one.
Fry: Oh, no! This is terrible.
Zoidberg: Poor Bender.
Farnsworth: Well, let's drag him to the kerb.
Fry: Wait a minute, Bender is my best friend. We can't just dump him in the gutter like Grandma's ashes.
Bender: Oh, my life is over. I'll never know happiness again.
Robot: Ho, ho! Hello there!
Leela: Look, Bender! It's Patch Cord Adams. He heals with the power of laughter.
Patch Cord Adams: Come on, take it. What's the matter, can't move your arms?
Bender: Obviously not, or I'd be strangling you right now.
Patch Cord Adams: Hey, here's a giggle! Did you hear why they're using Windows 3000 as a prison guard?
Fry: No, why?
Patch Cord Adams: 'Cause it always locks up.
Bender: For the love of God, somebody kick his ass!
Patch Cord Adams: Well, so long. Get well soon. Oh, well, so long anyway.
Bender: Oh, I'm doomed. Everybody leave me alone. I don't wanna be seen this way.
Fry: Aw, you look so sad. You want me to send Patch Cord Adams back in?
Bender: Hey, the blues. The tragic sound of other people's suffering. That's kind of a pick-me-up. Wow, that was great.
Beck: Hey, thanks. You a fan?
Bender: I dunno. Let me see. Oh, my God, you're Beck! I'd get up to shake your hand and steal your wallet but my crappy body crapped out on me.
Beck: Don't take it so hard. I used to miss my body too but then I fished this mannequin out of the 92c Store dumpster.
Bender: Wow. We've sure got a lot in common, Beck. I always dreamed of being a musician-poet who transcends genres even as he re-invents them, just like you.
Beck: So do it, robot. It's easier than it looks.
Bender: Eh, thanks, but it's hopeless. I'll never be a musician now.
Beck: Or maybe you'll be the best musician ever.
Bender: What's this for?
Beck: Try and scrape it across your chest like a knife on burnt toast. Come on, move those arms. Use the power of mental thinking. Make it dynamic. Yeah-ee! Alright, congratulations, my friend.
Bender: Why? 'Cause I can make annoying noises?
Beck: Exactly. I use those all the time in my music. Bender, I want you to become my new washboard player.
Bender: Alright! Go Bender! Go Bender! Go Bender!
Bender: Well, that's my good friend, Beck. I'm off to rock a series of mid-level venues.
Hermes: Kudos, Bender. You got mangled and now you're a singer. Both our dreams came true.
Fry: Hey, I have an idea. Who wants to cram in my van and follow Bender on tour and live there, in the van?
Zoidberg: Oh, I don't know, Fry. I think I'm too poor to follow a band around in a van.
Beck: Come on, move it! We gotta get to the concert and make the audience wait for it at the start.
Zoidberg: Bad news, friends. My shell ran.
Amy: Zoidberg, you idiot, my outfit. It's, it's-
Leela: Kinda cool.
Fry: Yeah, I like it.
Amy: Me too, now that I'm used to it.
Zoidberg: Then it was all on purpose! You're lucky to have Zoidberg as a friend. But cross me, and I'll turn on you like that!
Beck: There's a destination a little up the road, From the habitations and the towns we know, A place we saw the lights turn low, The jigsaw jazz and the get-fresh glow, Pullin' out jives and jamboree handouts, Two turntables and a microphone, Bottles and cans just clap your hands, Just clap your hands.
All: Where it's at!
Bender: Got a washboard stomach and a microphone.
Beck: That was a washboard break.
Fry: Oh, yeah!
Amy: Yeah! One bowl of Jell-O knuckles, please.
Barman: That'll be three pick-e-tures of George Washington.
Amy: Oh, no! My beautiful money.
Leela: It got ruined in the wash.
Fry: Mine too, even my change.
Barman: Get lost, you money-less hippies!
Horrible Gelatinous Hick: You heard him, freaks. We don't like your type around here. These are the types we like.
Beck: Bender, that was the best 40-minute washboard solo I've ever heard. And the parts when I was awake blew my mind.
Bender: Whoa, check out all those broken robots. Howdy, fellas!
Robot #1: I don't believe my broken eyes! It's Bender, the washboard player! Hey, man, we caught your concert from here.
Robot #2: You rock!
Fembot: Oh, oh, Bender! Sign my chest! It's in that bin behind me.
Robot #3: Yo, brother, thanks for showing that broken robots are still useful.
Bender: Aw, hang in there, folks. I'll bet before you know it, you guys'll be- That is so wrong. They can't just melt down broken robots. Not right when they're kissing my ass.
Beck: Whoa, dog. Just cold chill. You know, when I'm upset, I write a song about it. Like when I wrote Devil's Haircut, I was feeling really- What's that song about?
Bender: Hey, yeah, I could write a song! With real words, not phoney ones like "odelay".
Beck: "Odelay" is a word. Just look it up in the Becktionary.
Bender: Ooh!
Bender: I'm working on my song. Hand me the Becktionary. No, no, the rhyming Becktionary.
Beck: I wish I could help raise awareness about broken robots. But what can I do? I only weigh eight pounds.
Bender: Wait a minute, you know lots of rock stars, and most of them like to look like they care about things!
Beck: We can all get together for a big benefit concert in San Francisco!
Bender: And we could call it "Bend-Aid", after me, Bender!
Beck: And you can sing that song you're writing!
Bender: And I'll let you sing backup! But remember who the star is. Me Bender.
Bender: Alright. "Hands in the air" rhymes with "Just don't care" and ... finished! Eck! Smells like something died in the wall!
Fry: Surprise!
Leela: Mind if we crash here tonight? The colours in the van are keeping us awake.
Bender: Alright, but hands off the minibar.
Fry: Wow, I forgot about TV. Living free on the road, you realise how much better life is without it. Well, let's see what's on.
Announcer #1: Tuesday, Golden Gate Park, the monsters of vaguely-folkish alterna-rock will strum your brains out at Bend-Aid! Featuring Beck, Wailing Fungus and special guest, Bender!
Announcer #2: A portion of the proceeds might go to help broken robots.
Fry: Yeah!
Zoidberg: Hooray, robot!
Amy: Bender, you're famous!
Bender: Yeah.
Leela: This coming-together of superstars really means a lot to you, doesn't it, Bender?
Bender: Uh-huh. Helping my defective brothers is the first thing I've ever cared about, even the slightest bit. You know, when I first got broken, I thought my life was over. But look at me now I've got fame, money, groupies, and it's all thanks to being completely immobilised. That's why I'll be proud to go up on stage tomorrow and say, "Look at me, world, I am a broken robot!".
Fry: Bender, you can move! You're cured!
Bender: Oh, crap! It's a miracle!
Bender: I can move again. My music career is over.
Fry: Bender, I don't claim to understand "the biz" but wouldn't being able to move help your music career?
Bender: No, don't you see? I was a hero to broken robots 'cause I was one of them. But how can I sing about being damaged if I'm not? That's like Christina Aguilera singing in Spanish. Wait, that's it! I'll fake it!
Amy: You'd better not do that at the concert.
Zoidberg: I can't stop. When I eat too much dirt, I get stuff in my throat.
Amy: You are so disgusting, I-
Leela: They're beautiful.
Zoidberg: Ew, you're touching them!
Amy: I've never seen pearls like this. Dr. Zoidberg, you're amazing.
Zoidberg: I am? At last! Recognition!
Emcee: Gentle hippies, put your filthy hands together for the folk stylings of Cylon and Garfunkel!
Garfunkel: Here's a song that was beautiful when performed by my ancestor, Art. (singing) Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Cylon: and Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.
Garfunkel: Remember me to one who loves there.
Cylon: and She once was a true love of mine.
Leela: We're home.
Amy: Well, let's earn some bread.
Fry: Brothers and sisters, get your love beads. Can't journey to the centre of your mind without love beads!
Hippie #1: Wow, look at the colours. These'll go great with my soul.
Zoidberg: Glad you like them. I've been making fine jewellery for years, apparently.
Hippie #2: I'll take three.
Hippie #3: Give me one, man!
Hippie #4: I'll trade you a bad poem!
Emcee: And now, stand up and turn on your hidden tape recorders for ... Beck! With special guest, Bender, the broken robot.
Fry: Bender rules!
Hippie #5: Groove on, man!
Leela: Rock it, Bender!
Zoidberg: Play that thing!
Beck: Can't you hear those cavalry drums, Hijacking your equilibrium...
Bender: Whoa-oh, yeah!
Beck: ...Midnight hags in the mausoleum,
Beck: Thank you. That song doesn't usually last three hours, but we got into a serious thing ... and then I forgot how it ended. Anyway, one last item of business before we go.
Garfunkel: Bender, to start your foundation for broken robots, here's a big, cardboard cheque for $14,000.
Cylon: It's been an emotional day for me.
Bender: I don't know what to say.
Beck: Then maybe you should sing it. Lay it down, boys.
Bender: Ladies, gentlemen, smoking heaps of machinery ... ... this is a song called My Broken Friend. (singing) People say my broken friend is useless, But I say his mind is free, There's lots of things my mangled robot friend could be,
Beck: Kick it!
Bender: He could make a good...
Bender: and ...hat-rack
Beck: He only has to stand there,
Bender: Or a cheap...
Bender: and ...doorstop,
Beck: He doesn't need to move
Bender: Or a great big...
Bender: and ...giant Thermos,
Bender: With a twist-off top,
Beck: That would be good for soup,
Bender: He could be a storage closet...
Bender: and ...for outdated pants,
Beck: I like 'em tight!
Bender: My broken friend could do it all,
Bender: and Just give him a chance!
Bender: That robot has a tragic secret, That I'd like to share...
Beck: For real?
Bender: ...My broken friend is closer to me, Than an ass to a chair...
Beck: Hm.
Bender: ...That robot's name I never told you...
Beck: Who's that?
Bender: ...You could not foresee...
Beck: C'mon, give it up.
Bender: ...I'll say it loud and sing it proud...
Bender: and His name is you and me.
Bender: Don't melt me down into a crowbar,
Beck: It suffers alone,
Bender: Just 'cause I can't move my arms and legs,
Beck: Hey.
Bender: Or toss me into a trash can...
Beck: Bender, what are you doing?
Bender: ...Just 'cause I can't cook you ham and eggs...
Beck: What are you doing?
Bender: ...Don't crush me into an anchor...
Beck: Yo! What's the dealy-o?
Bender: ...Just 'cause I can't jump and dance and sing...
Beck: Hold it! What? No!
Bender: ...I'm telling you, my broken friend...
Beck: B-Bender.
Bender: ...Put your hands in the air like you just don't care!
Beck: No!
Bender: I'm telling you, my broken friend...
Beck: Cut it!
Bender: ...Can do 'most anything!
Beck: Cut it!
Bender: Yeah!
Beck: Cut it!
Bender: Curse my natural showmanship!
Robot #4: You big, fat fraud! You're not really broken!
Robot #5: But you will be in a minute! Bum-rush the stage!
Robot #6: Get him!
Hippie #6: Oh, harsh! I didn't get my beads.
Beck: You, minion, lift up my arm. After him!
Bender: Well, everyone, prepare to get your guts kicked out by folk singers.
Caterpillar Alien: What is this? The Year of the Jerk?
Fry: Hurry! The Golden Gate Bridge! Put the metal to the pedal to the other metal.
Bender: Oh, no! I forgot this is a hoverbridge.
Leela: And I forgot this isn't a hovercar.
Fry: Is any of that a problem?
Zoidberg: Not if you've lived a life without regret.
Bender: I'll save me!
Leela: Quick, grab his footcups.
Bender: Hey? What? No.
Fry: Phew!
Leela: Bummer.
Bender: Someone fat get in my way! I'm broken again. I can't move any part of me.
Beck: Good.
Bender: I'm really sorry I lied, Beck. All I ever wanted was to make music with you. I never meant to hurt anyone, or help anyone.
Beck: Bender, that's some played-out, new-jack, horse crap- But I know you don't mean it so apology accepted.
Bender: So, I can, uh, keep the cheque?
Garfunkel: Over my dead career!
Bender: Well, it was worth a shot.
Fry: C'mon, Bender. If you're done scamming Beck, we're heading home.
Bender: Alright, alright. Let me just do one thing to cheer myself up. Fry cracked corn, And I don't care, Leela cracked corn, I still don't care, Bender cracked corn, And he is great! Take that, you stupid corn!


Hermes: Go get it, boy!
Fry: So, Leela, how about a romantic ride in one of those swan boats? They're kinda dangerous but I finally mastered them.
Leela: Those aren't swan boats, they're swans.
Fry: Oh. That explains these boat eggs.
Farnsworth: Wha?
Tate: Pitiful ballplayers of Earth, I am Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate, commander of the Harlem Globetrotters. For generations, your puny planet has lived in peace with the Globetrotter Homeworld. But now, for no reason, we challenge you to defend your honour on the basketball court. Will no one meet our challenge? Have none of you pathetic Earthlings game?
Fry: What happens if we lose?
Tate: Nothing. There's nothing at stake and no threat, beyond the shame of defeat!
Farnsworth: This will not stand! I'll take you on, you air-balling bozos.
Tate: You, old man? Sweet Clyde, laugh derisively at him.
Farnsworth: I may be an old man. In fact, I'm fairly sure I am. But I'll put you Globetrotters in your place with my team of mutant atomic supermen!
Hermes: Hooray, Professor!
Farnsworth: Behold My mutant atomic supermen.
Leela: They're only a foot high, Professor.
Farnsworth: Well, they're still young. Mere atomic super boys, really. We'll need to speed up their growth with time particles called Chronitons.
Bender: Aren't those the particles that destroyed an entire civilisa-
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! You're off to the Tempus Nebula to gather Chronitons.
Fry: Hey, Leela, look at me!
Leela: Your face can take a lot of punishment. That's good to know.
Fry: There's a lot about my face you don't know! Perhaps you and it could get better acquainted over dinner.
Leela: Alright! Cool your jets, hotshot.
Fry: C'mon, Leela, why won't you go out with me? We both know there's something there.
Leela: No, I mean cool your jets. They're melting Bender's face.
Bender: Ow! Oh, my God! Ow!
Leela: Here you go. Hot off the nebula.
Farnsworth: None too soon. While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference to announce that I was a jive sucker. Behold! My invincible nuclear mutants.
Amy: Hi!
Arachneon: Hello!
Albert: Marv Albert here at Madison Cube Garden where the Harlem Globetrotters take on a squad of atomic supermen in what promises to be a by-the-numbers athletic contest with no surprises whatsoever. Here's the tip-off. Globetrotter ball. Sweet Clyde Dixon to Bubblegum Tate. Drives down-court- And Curly Joe from the rear.
Zoidberg: That one grabbed his behindus!
Leela: Sh!
Hermes: Quiet!
Tate: Who dares laugh at the Jesters of Dunk? We came to terrify and humiliate you, not tickle your funnybones. Watch as I embarrass your civilisation by passing the ball to Curly Joe. Only to have it remain in my hands with elastic. And perhaps this will wipe the smiles from your faces.
Albert: Goosh goes up. Rejected! Grotrian from half-court. Yes!
Albert: Supermen lead 45-42. Arachneon with the steal, to Thorias. Thorias from downtown! Yes! He's really showing us what a man with a cannon in his chest can do!
Farnsworth: No showboarding, you atomic hotdog!
Albert: And that's the half, with the Supermen up 48-42. Surprisingly dull, so far. Bubblegum, the Trotters are down by six. Reactions?
Tate: It was always our plan to trail at the half, thus deepening Earth's eventual humiliation. Also, what game were the refs watching?
Albert: Curly Joe, easily amused by his own antics ... ... continues to wreak havoc on-
Farnsworth: What the- Did everything just jump around, or did my brain just stroke off there for a second?
Albert: Ladies and gentlemen, something very strange has just happened in this basketball game between space clowns and atomic monsters.
Farnsworth: Time-out! Time-out!
Fry: What's happening?
Farnsworth: We seem to be lurching forward randomly in time, like a needle skipping on a record player.
Amy: What's causing it? Is it my outfit?
Farnsworth: No. It must have something to do with those time particles I used to grow the Supermen. Time and space are ripping apart at the seams.
Thorias: Oops!
Farnsworth: Oh, great! Now, on top of everything, we need a new fifth man.
Fry: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Put me in, Professor. I wanna show Leela my skills.
Farnsworth: Hmm. Will said skills pay the bills?
Fry: Who cares? We're 35 points ahead with two minutes left. What could possibly-
Albert: Globetrotters win, 244-86. A dark day for humanity, folks. We have been beaten ... in basketball.
Curly Joe: Yeah, that's how we do it!
'Sweet' Clyde: How's that?
Tate: You are all fools of the highest calibre.
Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed up. Now all the planets are gonna start cracking wise about our mamas.
Hermes: I'm just glad my fat, ugly mama isn't alive to see this day.
Farnsworth: Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes. We have bigger problems. This time disruption is extremely serious.
Tate: Damn right, brother man. This chronological wang-dang-doodle could destroy the very matrix of reality.
Farnsworth: Tate? What do you know about this?
Tate: Not much, yet. But I am senior lecturer of physics at Globetrotter U. And I'd like to help you investigate.
Farnsworth: You're that Bubblegum Tate?
Tate: Well I sure ain't his grandma. Now look here, Prof. I think we got ourselves an excess of Chronitons in the subatomic interstices.
Farnsworth: Yes, I see. Something involving that many big words could easily destabilise time itself.
Fry: Is that a problem?
Farnsworth: Indeed so. At this rate, by Tuesday it will be Thursday; by Wednesday, it will be August; and by Thursday, it will be the end of existence as we know it.
Man: I'll have to ask you to clear out now. The circus need to set up for tomorrow's big-
Linda: Time continues to skip forward randomly. Details at 11.
Linda: This is the news at 11. The mysterious and unexplained-
Linda: Turning to entertainment news, teen singer Wendy might just be the latest-
Linda: -won three Grammys last night-
Linda: -found dead in her bathtub.
Farnsworth: Interesting. It's as if we behave normally during the time skips, but then we have no memory of it.
Fry: You mean we just-
Farnsworth: My, yes. Ooh, just like that. Any luck, Bubblegum?
Tate: Not yet. Listen, I hope you don't mind if I dribble a little while I work.
Farnsworth: Not if you'll grant me the same liberty.
Bender: Ooh! Ooh! Bubblegum? My name's Bender and I'm a huge fan of your work, both on and off the court. Can I be a Globetrotter?
Tate: Shut up, turkey.
Farnsworth: Bubblegum, look at this. The background time radiation is fluctuating wildly.
Tate: Good Lord! That sucker's shaking around like some fine, imported booty.
Hermes: Say, I'm no physicist, but I think I know how to stop the skipping. We'll just-
Hermes: I don't know how this was suppose to work.
Amy: Professor, I hope you find out what's wrong before we skip right past my birth-
All: -ppy birthday, Amy.
Amy: Hooray! Look at all these presents!
Zoidberg: I hope we all have as much tomorrow at my birth-
Zoidberg: What?
Fry: Psst! Leela. I've set up a time-proof shelter in the closet. There's only room for two, and you're the one I wanna share it with.
Leela: Fry, that's so sweet. Let me see.
Leela: How exactly will this protect us from time jumps?
Fry: Because when we're together in here, baby, time will stand still.
Fry: Ow!
Zoidberg: Hmm. Hmm.
Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, can I talk to you about Fry?
Zoidberg: Leela, I would be honoured.
Leela: -does the worst W.C. Fields imitation I've ever seen. Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Sorry, you must have been boring me.
Leela: The thing is, Fry is very sweet, but he's so immature. I love his boyish charm but I hate his childishness.
Zoidberg: So he's not perfect. You don't wanna end up old and lonely like Zoidberg! You were saying?
Farnsworth: Ah, there is it. The Tempus Nebula. Take a whiff through the Smellescope.
Tate: What's that funky jazz?
Farnsworth: The odour of pure time leaking. When my crew removed the Chronitons, it destabilised the nebula, causing time skips throughout the universe.
Bender: Ooh! Let Bubblegum tell it.
Tate: Pretend these basketballs are time particles, my silver honky. As the nebula bounce-passes them off us ... ... they cause these dents, or "time skips".
Bender: You are so smart!
Tate: Hold up. What if we were to move this cluster of starts to these algebraic co-ordinates?
Farnsworth: Their gravity might just divert the Chronitons to the empty side of the universe.
Tate: Yeah. But is it possible? Moving stars would require one bad-ass gravity pump. And we'd need all the money on Earth to-
Tate: What the-
Farnsworth: Wha?
Nixon: Here's the funding for your gravity pump. But it damn well better work! We can't spend all of Earth's money every day. Now, how long will it take to build?
Tate: It won't be easy, Nixon. A jim-jam this complex might take months or even-
Farnsworth: Ah, there we are. One gravity pump. Powerful enough to move the stars themselves. Now to begin the arduous task of attaching it to the ship so th-
Farnsworth: Off you go, apparently.
Tate: Easy, Leela. Just finger-roll that star to the cosmic basket.
Leela: Just a few ... more ... hundred ... thousand ... miles. There!
Tate: Nothing but nebula!
Leela: We'll have to run some tests back on Earth, but I think we've stopped the time skips.
Bender: Alright!
Tate: Jamming!
Fry: Hooray for Leela!
Bender: And what better way to celebrate our success than by me showing Bubblegum the Globetrotter uniform I made myself!
Tate: Let me see. Hello, lawsuit!
Fry: Leela, I want you to know I think the way you moved those stars around was really wonderful. I got you something.
Leela: Moderately-priced, domestic, non-vintage champagne? How did you know?
Fry: You deserve it. I mean, nobody ever stops to tell you what a great captain you are.
Leela: Aw! That is so true and sweet.
Fry: You're smart, you're beautiful, and best of all, you'll go out with me-e?
Leela: Fry, please try to understand You're a man, I'm a woman. We're just too different.
Bender: Hey, Leela. Bubblegum might let me organise a bake sale for the Globetrotter wives. Can you teach me to make cupcakes?
Leela: Alright, but I wanna lick the beaters.
Fry: I got her champagne, I opened it. What does a guy have to do?
Tate: 86 the chump stuff, F-man. It's time to win Leela's heart with a big-showy, three-point romantic gesture.
Fry: Hmm. Maybe this is the moment to show her my real surprise.
Leela: Fry, what are you doing?
Tate: Uh-oh. Time to boogie on down to the sauna!
Fry: Look. I've been studying how to pilot the ship. Impressed?
Leela: Yeah, actually. You're doing OK. The core reactor temperature's nominal, the blinker's off.
Fry: I learned how to work the gravity pump too. In case we need to move more stars. So, are we dating now?
Leela: Is that what this is all about? Please, just cut it out now.
Fry: Look, Leela. I know there's some perfect, amazing thing I can do to make you love me, and when I figure out what it is-
Leela: Fry, stop. I don't wanna hurt you, but there is absolutely, positively no way that you and I will ever, ever-
Preacherbot: -man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
Albert: Yes!
Zoidberg: He looks radiant!
Farnsworth: Ye Gods, Bubblegum! We failed. The time skips haven't stopped at all.
Tate: Even in these formal shorts, I feel like a failure.
Leela: You tricked me into marrying you, didn't you?
Fry: Of course not.
Leela: How'd you do it? Drugs in the champagne? Hypnosis?
Fry: No! Drugs are for losers and hypnosis is for losers with big, weird eyebrows. I don't know what amazing thing I did you make you love me but, whatever it was, we're married now. We've got the rest of our lives to work-
Whitey: Divorce is final.
Fry: What?
Leela: Well, let's divide up the china. I guess I'll take the NFC helmets and you can have the AFC helmets.
Fry: Fine. Break my heart again.
Zoidberg: Don't be so hard on yourself, Fry. You lost the woman of your dreams but you still have Zoidberg. You all still have Zoidberg.
Fry: How did I do it? How did I get Leela to love me? I've got to figure it out.
Hermes: Maybe you're just a fantastic lover, Fry.
Amy: Um, no.
Fry: I don't know what I'm doing.
Bender: Maybe she'd come back to you if your best friend Bender were a Globetrotter. What do you say, Bubblegum?
Tate: Hell, no.
Fry: Oh, it's hopeless. I did something so great that it won Leela's heart and I'll never, ever know what it was. My life is empty.
Zoidberg: Zoidberg!
Farnsworth: No wonder we failed to stop the time skips. Diverting Chronitons is mathematically impossible. I knew I should have checked your show-boating Globetrotter algebra.
Tate: Man, I thought you knew that algebra was all razz-ma-tazz. A Globetrotter always saves the good algebra for the final minutes.
Bender: Vintage Bubblegum!
Farnsworth: The time skips are worse than ever now. Isolated spots are jumping by years at a time. Look.
Boy: Stupid senior citizens. Why should we have to pay for their social security benefits?
Old Man: I deserve free money!
Farnsworth: Well, I'm stumped. We'll have to call in the finest scientific minds in the univ-
Farnsworth: Perhaps we could explode the whole damned nebula. What do you think, Curly Joe?
Curly Joe: No, man. An explosion big enough to destroy that mama would take out half the universe.
Sweet Clyde: You gotta Globetrotter that explosion up a little, Farnsy. Make it an implosion.
Farnsworth: By God, Sweet Clyde is right. An implosion might just form a black hole that would stop more Chronitons from escaping.
Tate: Whoa. Slow that brain train down, Prof. We'd need some kind of doomsday device to initiate an implosion like that.
Farnsworth: Doomsday device? Ah! Now the ball's in Farnsworth's court! I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
Tate: Give me some skin, Prof. I'm making you an honorary Globetrotter. In fact, everybody in this room's an honorary Globetrotter.
Amy: Hooray!
Hermes: Yes!
Zoidberg: I'm a Globetrotter!
Bender: Did you just say-
Tate: Too late, hot plate.
Bender: Oh, crap.
Tate: We must leave now, for we are needed elsewhere. But we wish you Godspeed.
Bender: Please, please let me come with you. I can make myself taller.
Tate: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball. But look in your heart and ask yourself Are you funky enough to be a Globetrotter? Are you?
Bender: Yes.
Tate: Are you?
Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could-
Tate: Are you?
Bender: No.
Tate: Deal with it.
Bender: Oh! No!
Leela: Careful with that doomsday device, Bender.
Bender: What does it matter? I'll never be a Globetrotter. My life, and, by extension, everyone else's, is meaningless.
Leela: Roger.
Fry: Leela, about the wedding. I don't know what I did to make you love me, and I don't think I tricked you into it, but maybe I did. And if I did, I'm sorry.
Leela: It's OK, Fry. You know we'll always be friends, right?
Fry: Yeah. But I don't guess anything I could do will ever make you feel the same way about me that I do about you.
Leela: I guess not.
Bender: Well, the doomsday device is ready. Maybe blasting this quadrant of space into a hell storm of flaming nothingness will cheer me up a little.
Leela: OK. Let me just take the ship out to a safe distance. Actually, I think I'll go down and prep the detonator. Fry, why don't you take the helm?
Fry: She's so great. I feel like I can almost remember the magical thing I did to make her love me. But I guess I never will.
Bender: Sorry, buddy. I too know what it's like to have a dream I'll never achieve.
Fry: Oh! That's how I must have done it! I moved the stars themselves to write her a love note in the sky.
Leela: Detonation in three, two, one.
Fry: No! Did you see it? Did you see it?
Bender: The explosion?
Fry: No, not the explosion!
Leela: Then what?
Fry: Nothing.


Narrator: You're entering a realm which is unusual. Maybe it's magic or contains some kind of monster. The second one. Prepare to enter ... The Scary Door. Please send a man round back and pick up Clyde Smith, a professional gambler who's about to have an unfortunate accident.
Smith: A casino where I'm winning? That car musta killed me. I must be in heaven! A casino where I always win? That's boring. I must really be ... in hell!
Sebastian Cabot: No, Mr. Smith. You're not in heaven or hell. You're on an aeroplane.
Smith: There's a gremlin destroying the plane! You've gotta believe me!
Sebastian Cabot: Why should I believe you? You're Hitler!
Smith: No! Eva Braun! Help me!
Bender: Saw it comin'!
Fry: I just saw something incredibly cool A big, floating ball that lit up with every colour in the rainbow, plus some new ones that were so beautiful I fell to my knees and cried.
Amy: Was it out in front of Discount Shoe Outlet?
Fry: Yeah.
Amy: They have a college kid wear that to attract customers.
Fry: Well I don't care if it was some dork in a costume. For one brief moment I felt the heartbeat of creation, and it was one with my own.
Amy: Big deal!
Bender: We all feel like that all the time. You don't hear us gassin' on about it.
Fry: How can you people be so blasé? Here you are in the year 3000 or so, yet you just sit around like it's the boring time I came from.
Farnsworth: Boring? Wasn't that the period when they cracked the human genome and boy bands roamed the Earth?
Fry: Yeah. But now it's the distant future. Why aren't we out doing everything I ever dreamed of?
Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?
Farnsworth: No. Why would I know that?
Leela: Let's take the rest of the morning off and take Fry to do everything he ever wanted to do.
Fry: Everything?
Leela: Except that.
Sal: Sos your fantasies has always been to destroys a planet, huh?
Fry: Yeah, what did they ever do for me?
Leela: Wow! The most humdrum activities look almost exciting through your eyes. What should we do next?
Fry: I wanna see the edge of the universe!
Amy: Ooh! That sounds cool.
Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe, but you never do these things till someone comes to visit.
Farnsworth: There it is! The edge of the universe!
Fry: Far out! So there's an infinite number of parallel universes?
Farnsworth: No, just the two.
Fry: Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough.
Bender: I'm sick of parallel Bender lording his cowboy hat over me! Let's move on to Fry's next fantasy.
Fry: Yee-haw! Bow before your master, puny mortals! Giddy-up!
Girl: Mommy, why is that man like that?
Mother: Don't look at him!
Fry: That was fun. Let's give him a treat!
Leela: Keep your palms flat.
Fry: The tongue tickles.
Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break 'em in tonight.
Farnsworth: Yes, it's been quite an hour and a half.
Fry: I've only got two fantasies left Be invisible in a chocolate factory and be romantically linked with a celebrity.
Bender: I could pound your head till you think that's what happened.
Fry: OK.
Leela: Wait, hold on. It is actually possible to meet any celebrity you want.
Fry: It is?
Leela: Of course! You should read a blimp sometime.
Fry: Download a celebrity from the Internet? What part of that do I understand?
Leela: It's simple. You can download a celebrity's personality and appearance into a blank robot.
Fry: Hey, I have an idea. Let's do that!
Farnsworth: Onto the Internet you go!
Bender: Oh, and while you're there, pick me up a few credit card numbers.
Trekkie #1: No way! Kirk could kick Picard's ass!
Trekkie #2: Yeah? At least Picard had the guts to admit he was bald!
Trekkie #1: What? You take that back!
Fry: Ooh! eBay!
Auctioneer: Are there no further bids for this exquisite galaxy? Sold to The Being of Inconceivable Horror.
The Being Of Inconceivable Horror: Will a money order be OK?
Auctioneer: Yes.
Fry: So where's the celebrity dating place?
Leela: Let's search the web. Over there.
Salesman: Welcome to Nappster. Let's see what celebrities we've got in stock. Can I interest you in Gwyneth Paltrow?
Fry: Nah. I read in Newsweek that she drinks human blood.
Salesman: Then, uh, how about Cleopatra, whose beauty destroyed mighty empires.
Fry: I'd prefer someone from the era of shaved underarms. Do you have anything with more of a Lucy-Liu-feel to it?
Salesman: Nah, nothing like that. Though we do have Lucy Liu. Only woman ever to be named People magazine's sexiest woman of the year twice. In 2003, and then again in 2063.
Fry: I'd like the 2003 model.
Fry: I've found her! What do I do now?
Farnsworth: Download her. Let's just put a blank robot in the drive.
Fry: It worked!
Liubot: You're one sexy man, Philip J. Fry.
Fry: It worked perfectly!
Leela: Well, you downloaded Lucy Liu. Are you just going to stare vacantly at her and not say anything?
Liubot: I find your slack-jawed stare very attractive, Philip J. Fry.
Fry: Did you hear that? She likes me!
Farnsworth: Well, duh! She's programmed to like you!
Fry: But this is Lucy Liu! Perhaps the only good actress of the 21st century! She's more than just a piece of software.
Liubot: Would you like to take a moment to register me?
Fry: Uh, not right now.
Liubot: I'll remind you later, you hot stud, you!
Fry: So, uh, what do you feel like doing?
Liubot: Would you like to take a moment to register me?
Fry: I said later!
Fry: Then when I feel so stuffed I can't eat anymore, I just use the restroom, and then I can eat more.
Liubot: You should write a book, Fry. People need to know about the can eat more.
Fry: Oh, Lucy! You're just like I always thought you'd be from your movies.
Liubot: My personality is mathematically derived from my movies, proportionally weighted by box office receipts.
Fry: You're cute!
Liubot: You're cute!
Fry: You!
Liubot: You!
Fry: You!
Liubot: You!
Fry: You!
Farnsworth: Oh, dear! She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. Well, that's love for you.
Bender: Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I'm still single? It's 'cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!
Leela: Bender, this is Fry's decision ... and he made it wrong. So it's time for us to interfere in his life.
Leela: She doesn't really love you. She can't. She's just a machine that-
Bender: Stay away from our women! You got metal fever, boy! Metal fever!
Fry: Well, so what if I love a robot? It's not hurting anybody.
Hermes: My God! He never took middle school hygiene. He never saw the propaganda film.
Farnsworth: It's just lucky I keep a copy in the VCR at all times.
Narrator: Ordinary human dating. It's enjoyable and it serves an important purpose. But when a human dates an artificial mate, there is no purpose. Only enjoyment. And that leads to ... tragedy.
Billy: Neat-o! A Marilyn Monroe-bot!
Monroe-Bot: Ooh! You're a real dreamboat, Billy Everyteen.
Narrator: Harmless fun? Let's see what happens next.
Billy'S Mom: Billy, do you want to walk your dog?
Billy: No thanks, Mom. I'd rather make out with my Monroe-bot.
Billy'S Dad: Billy, do want to get a paper route and earn some extra cash?
Billy: No thanks, Dad. I'd rather make out with my Monroe-bot.
Mavis: Billy, do you want to come over tonight? We can make out together.
Billy: Gee, Mavis, your house is across the street. That's an awfully long way to go for making out.
Narrator: Did you notice what went wrong in that scene? Ordinarily, Billy would work hard to make money from his paper route. Then he'd use the money to buy dinner for Mavis, thus earning the slim chance to perform the reproductive act. But in a world where teens can date robots, why should he bother? Why should anyone bother? Let's take a look at Billy's planet a year later. Where are all the football stars? And where are the biochemists? They're trapped! Trapped in a soft, vice-like grip of robot lips. All civilisation was just an effort to impress the opposite sex ... and sometimes the same sex. Now, let's skip forward 80 years into the future. Where is Billy?
Billy: Farewell!
Narrator: The next day, Billy's planet was destroyed by aliens. Have you guessed the name of Billy's planet? It was Earth. Don't date robots!
Announcer: Brought to you by the Space Pope.
Leela: Did that make any impression on you, Fry? Fry?
Liubot: Ooh!
Farnsworth: I knew I should have shown him Electro Gonorrhoea The Noisy Killer.
Bender: What is the world coming to? That Fry's a sicko poivert, I tell you. Dating a robot! It's an atrosmacy!
Leela: But Fry's our friend, Bender.
Bender: Aw, jeez, would you stifle there, meatbag?
Leela: You stifle, Bender.
Zoidberg: Hooray! Finally you're standing up to him.
Leela: Although he is completely right.
Bender: We've got to stem this tidal wave of moral decay. It's time to shut down nappster.com!
Bender: Who's in charge of this dump?
Jeff Jervis: That'd be me. If you're an investor you can dump your money in the hole there.
Bender: Listen, you fat Internet nerd.
Jeff Jervis: Listening.
Bender: Your company promotes wrong love! If you don't shut down right now the only thing wired about you will be your jaw!
Jeff Jervis: Y-You can't shut us down. The Internet is about the free exchange and sale of other people's ideas. We've done nothing wrong.
Liu: Help! I'm being held prisoner!
Zoidberg: Someone in trouble is!
Jeff Jervis: No, stay out! There's a ... guy going for the Tetris world record in there!
Kidman: Who are you?
Cheech: Don't hurt us!
Liu: Help me! They've been holding me prisoner for 800 years.
Zoidberg: The real Lucy Liu! The one you can see a movie of in the popcorn stadium.
Bender: So what's your problem?
Liu: Those sweaty nerds are making illegal copies of us. It hurts!
Jeff Jervis: Open this door! Don't make me call the maintenance guy.
Bender: It's a bluff!
Leela: We can't take that chance. Move, people, move!
Michael: Please pick me up before you go-go.
Leela: She asked first.
Nerd: Um, are you Lucy Liu?
Albright-Bot: Sure!
Jeff Jervis: Oh, we're doomed. They got the head, they uncovered the sign! Soon the whole world will learn we're cyber-criminals. And we would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling adults.
Man: We'll stop them. They like Lucy Liu, we'll give them all the Lucy Liu they can handle! Hand me that back-up disk.
Zoidberg: Did you see me escaping? I was all like-
Liu: Thanks for rescuing me. Especially you, Bender. Mmm. Quite a masculine piece of metal, aren't you?
Bender: Hey! Don't look at me like that. If you're thinking of crossing the line with Bender, you can forget it. Bender don't bend that way.
Leela: Hey, look. It's another Lucy Liubot.
Liubot #2: I am Lucy Liu. Give me your spines.
Zoidberg: Hey, what the-
Liubot #2: Take this and that and one of these.
Liu: Hey! Cut it out! I don't need this kind of publicity!
Leela: Alright, Liu. Time to kick your frosty, well-toned ass! Yah!
Bender: Then along came Bender.
Zoidberg: Looks like you're retaining water.
Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan before he got all doughy.
Bender: Oh, shucks! I wasn't afraid of that robot. I'm pretty brave once you get past my macho exterior! It's an army of Lucy Lius!
Liu: They're horrible!
Liubots: Take this and that and one of these.
Liubot #3: Robot crouching tiger.
Liubot #4: Robot crane style!
Zapp: Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes!
Liubot #5: Hi-yah.
Fry: This is the best movie I've ever seen. It has a vampire and an explosion!
Liubot: It's amazing the way you notice two things.
Alex: No, don't open that coffin! It's ticking!
Natalie: I have to, Alex. That coffin's not going to open itself.
Vampire: Bleurh!
Liu: Let's hide in here. It'll add to my box office gross.
Leela: Fry?
Fry: Aw, you guys came to watch me make out! That is so sweet. Wait a minute! Is that the head of who I think it's of?
Liu: Read the jar, Evelyn Wood! Dr. Z?
Leela: Fry, a herd of Lucy Liu are destroying the city. Is yours acting normally?
Fry: Let me see. Yep. Why do you ask?
Alex: Mr. Mayor, if you want to see a real vampire, look in the mirror!
Mayor: I can't! I'm a vampire!
Zoidberg: Why?
Leela: And Nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody.
Fry: Quick! This way!
Fry: Sorry, ladies. Employees only.
Leela: Oh, no. They're forming a human pyramid ... of robots.
Bender: Damnit! We weren't counting on them being as smart as they are sexy!
Liu: A dangerous mistake to make.
Zoidberg: At least we've got food.
Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, cut open that bag!
Zoidberg: Hooray!
Leela: And don't eat it.
Liubot #2: Ow!
Liubot #3: System overload!
Liubot #4: Error!
Liubot #5: Does not compute.
Zoidberg: Life was bad but now it's good forever!
Bender: You'll be safe in here, sweetheart. Get lost, Pavarotti!
Fry: Lucy Liubot, if I don't survive the corn, I want you to know that I love you as much as a man can love a computerised image of gorgeous celebrity. Which it turns out is a lot.
Liubot: Oh, Fry, I love you more than the moon and the stars and the poetic image number 37 not found.
Fry: What are you doing, darling? Get down!
Liubot #3: Light hot. Oil temperature rising.
Liubot #4: Oh, no.
Liubot #5: Malfunction.
Liubot #6: This ain't good.
Liubot #7: System error.
Fry: You saved us. Are you alright?
Liubot: Yes, my love. I'll be just massive corn clog in port seven.
Liu: Are you the last copy of me?
Liubot: Yes.
Liu: Erase her, Fry.
Fry: What? No!
Liu: Fry, when you downloaded her without my permission, you stole my image, and in the end that's all I really have. That and the largest gold nugget in the world, one mile in diameter.
Fry: But I just downloaded her because I love you.
Liu: If you love the real Lucy Liu and not just what you've seen in movies, genre-straddling lawyer shows and kiss-ass articles in People magazine, you'll blank out that robot.
Fry: I'm sorry. Hug me, Liubot.
Liubot: I'll always remember you, Fry- Memory deleted.
Bender: I know it hurts, buddy. But at least you're not in a sick relationship with a robot anymore.
Fry: Uh-huh. And I guess now maybe I can get to know the real Lucy Liu.
Bender: Pft! Yeah, at our wedding!
Liu: It's true. Bender and I are in love.
Fry: But, but-
Bender: Don't be a prude, Fry!


Leela: Oh, put down the binoculars, Fry. The wall of that strip club isn't going to collapse twice in one day.
Fry: I know, and I've grown to accept that. Now I'm more interested in that new pizza parlour across the street. Kinda makes me pine for my days as a pizza delivery boy. "Here's you pizza," I'd say. "I didn't order any," they'd say. And then I'd be off to my next adventure.
Leela: That story stunk. Hand me the binoculars. I think the owner is from Cygnus 5.
Farnsworth: Cygnoids? On our block? Flying foo! They should go back where they came from.
Leela: Professor, please! Society's never gonna make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other. Now let's go over there and make these hideous strangers feel welcome.
Farnsworth: No!
Blek: You sure about these chairs? Guidebook says human legs bend down at knee.
Blek: It's OK, Mama. Anyone complains, I bend legs up for free. Ooh! Customers! Welcome to Earth pizza store. Here, sit. I bend knees for you.
Bender: Ooh! That's a-comfy!
Blek: OK, now, what kind of pizza goes in you? Silt? Asbestos? We got guano - very fresh!
Fry: Uh ... hmm ... do you have any food?
Blek: Here, try a deep dish pizza. Contains four kind of things.
Leela: I don't mean to offend, but this tastes like vomit.
Cygnoid Woman: Thank you.
Leela: No, actually, I did mean to offend a little. This is awful.
Fry: Hey, hey. What's wrong? Was it something Leela said?
Cygnoid Woman: We come to Earth to start new life. Raise fat spoiled Earth kids, hang many underwear from Earth clothesline, live Earthican dream.
Fry: Aw. Don't cry, foreign people. I used to work in a pizzeria and as soon as I stop hallucinating and blasting puke, I'm gonna teach you to sell pizza, Earth style!
Cygnoid Woman: Oh, thank you, magic biped!
Blek: You save us, a-sir. If we cannot make Earth pizza our dream will die. Just like rats we crushed to make the wine.
Fry: For starters, only use quality ingredients. Case in point No more live bees. Oregano works equally well. And when you put pizzas in the oven, don't get in with them.
Cygnoid #2: Hey, ocupado!
Fry: Most important of all is the big screen TV. Human families need a TV when they're eating so they don't have to talk to each other. Ah, the Earthican pastime Blernsball!
Uecker: Mulligan drives the ball. It's going, going and caught by the shortstop. Mets lose again. Man, I haven't seen play this bad since the days of Bob Uecker! This is Bob Uecker saying thanks for watching!
Blek: Mets? Shortstop? Pinching the hitter? I don't understand this "blernsball".
Fry: Well, if you're going to be Earthicans, we'll have to teach you. How about your pizzeria plays a game against Planet Express? Oh, but you'll need nine players.
Cygnoid Woman: No problem!
Cygnoid #2: Play the ball!
Farnsworth: Go, team! Beat those no good Cygnoids! Show them they stink at a game they've never played before!
Blek: Ah, this is why I love Earth! Beautiful star-brightened day, friendly blernsball game with chum pals! So pleasant for everybody.
Scruffy: Hit by a pitch. Take your base.
Leela: Sorry about that. I guess I needed a few more warm-up pitches.
Bender: No batter! No batter! No batter anymore.
Scruffy: Take your base.
Leela: I didn't mean to hit you. I have some trouble with depth perception.
Cygnoid #2: Yeah, me too now.
Bender: Hey, batter, batter, batter! Hey, batter, batter, batter! Hey, batter, batter! Duck!
Scruffy: Take your base.
Cygnoid #3: Please, lady, I want to live. Can I use bat to protect head?
Bender: Apparently not.
Man: Check out the one-eyed bean machine!
Blek: Hooray! I make a score point!
Fry: Leela, you beaned a run-in. You'd better let me pitch.
Leela: But I've got a no-hitter going. You're right. Here.
Randy: Don't take her out, she's a firecracker!
Doubledeal: Excuse me, I'd like to talk to you.
Leela: Am I under arrest?
Bender: Wait! I know you. You're the sleazebag who owns the Ultimate Robot Fighting League.
Doubledeal: Not anymore. Now I'm the sleazebag who owns the New New York Mets.
Leela: The Mets? Those bums are worse than me.
Doubledeal: Close to it. But they don't draw a crowd like you. Which is why I wanna sign you to the team.
Leela: You mean I'd be the first woman ever to play Major League Blernsball?
Commissioner: Well, yeah, but basically you'd just be a publicity stunt. I figure a one-eyed lady skull-buster might bring out the freakshow crowd.
Leela: Wow! The first woman ever to play Major League Blernsball.
Commissioner: Again, yeah, but basically you'd just be-
Leela: Ta-da! The first woman ever to play Major League Blernsball. How do I look?
Hermes: Like a sexy Yogi Berra!
Farnsworth: Why is your number seven-eighth's?
Leela: All the whole numbers have been retired.
Fry: Wow! I must say, I'm impressed. You look just like a ball player. Can I pat you on the butt?
Leela: Fry, I'm a professional athlete! So go ahead.
Fry: Oh! Now I'm too nervous.
Uecker: Well, folks, it's only the fifth inning but the Swedes have already turned this one into a "laffer". And that's with two F's. The crowd is pouring out of the stadium L.A.-style.
Doubledeal: Skipper, we're losing the crowd. Put it our new novelty act Leela.
Skipper: Darn it! I already put in the circus clown.
Doubledeal: Yeah, but he bunted. Clowns are only funny when they swing away.
Announcer: Your attention, please. Now pitching for the Mets Turanga Leela. A one-eyed woman.
Woman: Come on! Throw like a girl!
Fry: Go, Leela!
Bender: Come on, girl!
Amy: Too much eyeliner!
Uecker: This is history in the making, folks. Bjornson steps up to the plate and Leela delivers.
Bender: Bullseye!
Uecker: Ooh! An inauspicious start for the career of the first woman blernsballer. An inauspicious continuation for the career of the first woman blernsballer.
Crowd: Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean!
Uecker: Ouch! It's a three-bean-ball salad. The Mets fans love it though, and who can blame them? They haven't had much to cheer about this year-
Doubledeal: Kid, that was great! You got us more publicity than a cowboy in a shark tank. Poor Tex, he was quite a shark.
Man #1: Hey!
Man #2: Hey!
Man #3: Come on!
Man #4: I win!
Bender: Oop! Sorry.
Leela: Bender, how did you get in here?
Bender: As your agent, I have access to you at all times.
Leela: Since when are you my agent?
Bender: Quiet, call coming in. Yes? A big endorsement deal for Leela? How much? Hey! You put a one and two zeroes in front of that or we pass! Deal!
Leela: Bender, that's great! How much did you get me?
Bender: One hundred dollars.
Leela: As a pitcher, I serve up plenty of bean balls. So I know good beans when I see them. Bean-Bay Beans They're the beaniest!
Director #1: Cut!
Uecker: In very short order, Leela has become a fan favourite.
Bender: You're the best, babe! Hang on. Call comin' in. What's that? Hey! You put a one and two zeroes in front of that or we pass! Deal!
Leela: So what did you get me?
Bender: A thousand and one pesos!
Leela: Yo soy muy malo en lanzar, pero yo soy muy bueno en comer frijoles. Come los Bean Bay frijoles, los frijoles de los reyes.
Director #2: Cut! OK, now do one with bean suit on!
Blek: Leela really bringing in the customers.
Cygnoid Woman: This keep up, we need to buy second sauce toilet.
Girl: When I grow up I want to injure men by throwing stuff at them just like you, Leela. Will you sign my magazine?
Leela: Aw! Sure thing, sweetie. Who should I make it out to?
Girl: Well, uh ... to eBay?
Leela: That's a popular name today. Little "e" big "B"?
Bender: Five bucks an autograph, 200 fans. Add a one and two zeros in front of that and we got ourselves a wad!
Leela: I'm not doing this for the wad. I'm doing it for all the struggling female athletes who need a role model.
Woman: Yeah! A role model for how to stink!
Leela: What? Who are you?
Woman: Jackie Anderson. I'm on the blernsball team at NNYU and I was hoping to get to play in the majors soon.
Leela: Oh, following in my footsteps?
Jackie: Pft. God forbid! Your little freakshow is making it impossible for real female ball players to be taken seriously. I hope you're proud of yourself.
Bender: Alright, show's over. No refunds. You heard the robot. Get out!
Leela: I'm a fool. The fans haven't been cheering for me, they've been cheering at me.
Amy: Don't be upset, Leela. You, um ... you look really cute in your uniform.
Leela: That's what makes it so sad. I thought I was doing something heroic.
Bender: You are. What about that little girl you visited in the hospital? You know the one I mean? The one who died?
Leela: You're right. I can't let people down anymore. As God as my witness, I vow to earn the respect of girls and women everywhere. I will become the best blernsball player of all time.
Hermes: That's statistically impossible. In 77 innings you haven't gotten a single out. At this rate, you're sure to go down as the worst blernsball player of all time.
Leela: Oh. Then I have a new vow. I solemnly swear that I will become not the worst blernsball player of all time.
Fry: Hey, look! The players who broke the various colour barriers.
Bender: When will Man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots?
Leela: Ah, here we are. The worst player in history. If I can be just a little better than him I can slink away with my head held high.
Bender: It says he once struck out when his tongue got stuck to an unusually cold bat.
Fry: And here he is trying to make a catch with an oven mitt.
Leela: It's even a crummy hologram.
Aaron Jr.: I'm not a hologram, though I am crummy. Hank Aaron XXIV.
Fry: Hank Aaron XXIV? How could you play so blowfully? The original Hank Aaron was great!
Aaron Sr.: No, I was better than great. I was the home run king!
Bender: Neat!
Leela: So, Hank- The bad Hank. Just how blowful were you?
Aaron Jr.: Well, I had a low batting average.
Aaron Sr.: Low? It was zero, you fungo! You went your whole career without getting a hit.
Fry: Leela could beat that. She's pitched her whole career without getting an out.
Aaron Sr.: You stink, lady! Hey, Junior, she belongs in the exhibit instead of you.
Aaron Jr.: Forget it. This job's too cushy to give up. Ah, Wade Boggs! Goes down smooth!
Leela: Look, I don't wanna be in this exhibit. That's why I need your help. So I can be one tiny iota less pathetic than you.
Aaron Jr.: Oh, I can't help you play better than Tiny Iota. That guy was great. But I'll teach you everything I know.
Aaron Jr.: OK, let's see what you can do.
Bender: One thing she can do is lodge a ball in the depth centre of your brain. You better get a batting helmet.
Leela: Alright. Low and away.
Aaron Jr.: OK, try it again. But this time keep your eye off the ball.
Leela: You mean "keep your eye on the ball"?
Aaron Jr.: Hey, lady, which one of us is in the hall of fame?
Fry: Pst. You're holding the bat upside down.
Aaron Jr.: Just pitch the ball.
Leela: OK. Eye off the ball.
Bender: Strike!
Fry: Hooray!
Aaron Jr.: You did it, Leela!
Leela: I didn't hit the batter! For once I was pitching and not just belly-itching!
Aaron Jr.: Oh, you got that too? I think there's a rash goin' around.
Uecker: Welcome to Fenway Park, home of the Boston Poindexters, where the Mets close out a season that'll rank among Mankind's most awful crimes.
Fry: Hey! You opened a franchise!
Cygnoid Woman: Yes. Our biggest seller is Leela's Bean Pizza. Six kinds of beans, plus several things that look like beans.
Gilman: Beans, huh? Mmm. This is great! How to you make the crust so fizzy?
Blek: Ah-ah-ah! Ancient Cygnoid secret!
Cygnoid Woman: My husband, some hotshot! Here's his ancient Cygnoid secret! Live hornets! We smush them right into dough!
Gilman: I don't care if there's horse manure in it!
Blek: That's a-good!
Gilman: I wanna buy this franchise. How does $100,000 sound?
Blek: Forget it! We come to Earth to make pizza, not money.
Cygnoid Woman: No, Blek! Other way around!
Blek: Oh, right. Offer accepted!
Uecker: Well, fans, Boston's turning the last game into a real "squeeeker"! And that's with three "e's"! Two men on and they're down to their last out.
Leela: Come on, skipper. It's my last chance to prove I'm not the worst player ever. Please put me in.
Skipper: No. We're actually winning this game. You only go in as a joke when we're eight runs behind. Or when our other pitchers sneak out early to beat the traffic. Come on! Let's see some fundamentals out there! And not clown fundamentals. Aw, darn, darn darn! Now the bases are loaded! Isn't there a man on this team who can get one more out?
Leela: I can.
Skipper: I repeat Isn't there a man on this team on this-
Leela: I've been training with Hank Aaron.
Skipper: You've been training with the Hank Aaron?
Leela: I've been training with a Hank Aaron.
Skipper: Alright then. Get in there and pitch like you've never pitched like you before!
Announcer: Now pitching for the Mets Turanga Leela.
Crowd: Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Go, Leela!
Farnsworth: Go, Leela!
Amy: Come on, Leela!
Bender: Put it right down the pike!
Fry: Strike him out, Leela! Do it for the hundreds of women everywhere!
Announcer: Your attention Now pinch-hitting for the Poindexters Jackie Anderson.
Uecker: Would you look at that! College blernsball's finest female hitter making her big league debut against pro-ball's worst female anything. I've never seen anything this bizarre, and I've seen Mr. Belvedere naked! Woo!
Leela: Keep cool. She's just like any other player. She puts on her sports bra one arm at a time.
Umpire: Strike one!
Leela: Strike one, a personal best!
Umpire: Strike two!
Uecker: Remember, fans, this exciting moment is brought to you by Month Old Franks, the hotdogs with experience! Mmm-mmm! A grand slam blern. The Mets lose! Their season is over! And no question, Leela, the first woman ever to reach the Majors, will go down as the single worst player in the history of blernsball! And yet tonight we have witnessed the beginning of a great career for the first woman to play the sport well - Jackie Anderson!
Jackie: Leela?
Leela: Jackie. I guess you were right. I'm a lousy role model. I'm sorry.
Jackie: No, don't be. It turns out you were an inspiration after all.
Leela: I was?
Jackie: Uh-huh. You were so awful that women everywhere set out to prove they don't stink as bad as you. You know, like a pig or something.
Leela: Oh, that's so kind of you. I guess I made a difference after all.
Jackie: You absolutely did, Leela. Now please, please retire. Immediately.
Leela: Hey, kid. Catch!
Aaron Sr.: Well, at least you're still the worst football player of all time.
Aaron Jr.: Yeah. Yeah.