Fry: Space. It seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwing barrels at you.
Fry: And that's how you play the game!
Boy: You stink, loser!
Panucci: Hey, Fry. Pizza goin' out! C'mon!!
Fry: Michelle, baby! Where you going?
Michelle: It's not working out, Fry. I put your stuff out on the sidewalk!
Fry: I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life.
Bike Thief: Happy new year!
Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for, uh ... ... Icy Wiener? Aw, crud! I always thought at this point in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls! Here's to another lousy millennium.
Crowd: Ten!
Crowd: Neuf!
Crowd: Otto!
Crowd: Saba!
Crowd: Eksi!
Crowd: Wu!
Crowd: Char!
Crowd: Thathu!
Crowd: Nee!
Crowd: One!
Fry: What the-?
Fry: My God! It's the future. My parents, my co-workers, my girlfriend; I'll never see any of them again. Yahoo!
Terry: Welcome to the world of tomorrow!
Lou: Why do you always have to say it that way?
Terry: Haven't you ever heard of a little thing called showmanship? Come, your destiny awaits!
Lou: Have a nice future.
Fry: Cool! Just like in Star Trek! Ow!
Leela: Good afternoon, sir. Name?
Fry: Uh, Fry.
Leela: I'm Leela. Now, it's New Year's Eve so I'd like to decide your fate quickly and get out of here.
Fry: Can I ask you a question?
Leela: As long as it's not about my eye.
Fry: Uh...
Leela: Is it about my eye?
Fry: Sort of.
Leela: Just ask the question.
Fry: What's with the eye?
Leela: I'm an alien, alright? Now let's drop the subject.
Fry: Cool, an alien! Has your race taken over the Earth?
Leela: No, I just work here.
Fry: Wait a minute! Is that blimp accurate?
Leela: Yep. It's December 31st, 2999.
Fry: My God! A million years!
Leela: I'm sure this must be very upsetting for you.
Fry: Y'know, I guess it should be but, actually, I'm glad. I had nothing to live for in my old life. I was broke, I had a humiliating job and I was beginning to suspect my girlfriend might be cheating on me.
Leela: Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
Leela: Interesting. Your DNA test shows one living relative. He's your great-great-great-great-great-great-great...
Leela: ...great-great-great-great-great nephew.
Fry: That's great! What's the little guy's name?
Leela: Professor Hubert Farnsworth.
Fry: Eurgh!
Fry: Y'know, I'm the luckiest guy in the whole future. I've been given a second chance and this time I'm not going to be a total loser. What's that?
Leela: Your permanent career assignment.
Fry: Delivery boy? No! Not again! Please! Anything else!
Leela: Take your hands off me! You've been assigned the job you're best at just like everyone else.
Fry: What if I refuse?
Leela: Then you'll be fired-
Fry: Fine!
Leela: Out of a cannon into the Sun!
Fry: But I don't like being a delivery boy.
Leela: Well that's tough! Lots of people don't like their jobs but we do them anyway. You gotta do what you gotta do. Now hold out your hand. I'm gonna implant your career chip. It'll permanently label you as a delivery boy.
Fry: Keep that thing away from me!
Leela: Hold still, dammit. I don't have good depth perception! You've got until the count of five to let me out of here. One-
Fry: See you in a thousand years! You owe me one.
Fry: Whoa!
Man #1: JFK Jr. Airport.
Man #1: Radio City Mutant Hall.
Fry: Cool! Um. Cross Town Express?
Man #2: Pft! Tourist!
Fry: Hey! A phone booth! I can call my nephew. Wow! A real live robot! Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume?
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass.
Fry: It doesn't look so shiny to me.
Bender: Shinier than yours, meatbag!
Bender: Listen, buddy, I'm in a hurry here. Let's try for a two-fer!
Booth Voice: Please select mode of death "Quick and Painless" or "Slow and Horrible".
Fry: Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call.
Booth Voice: You have selected "Slow and Horrible".
Bender: Great choice! Bring it on, baby!
Bender: C'mon, c'mon! Kill me already! By the way, my name's Bender!
Fry: Help! What's happening?
Booth Voice: You are now dead. Thank you for using Stop-N-Drop, America's favourite suicide booth since 2008.
Bender: Lousy, stinking rip-off! Well, I didn't have anything else planned for today. Let's go get drunk!
Leela: Two, three- Hey!
Terry: Welcome to the world of tomorrow!
Leela: Shut up, Terry.
Ipgee: This is unacceptable, Leela. You must find this Mr. Fry and install his chip.
Leela: Look, he's just a nobody who doesn't want to be a delivery boy. I'd really rather not force it on him.
Ipgee: Well that's your job, whether you like it or not. And it's my job to make you do your job whether I like it or not, which I do, very much! Now get to work! Life is good!
Fry: Why would a robot need to drink?
Bender: I don't need to drink, I can quit anytime I want! So they made you a delivery boy, huh? Man, that's as bad as my job.
Fry: Really? What do you do, Bender?
Bender: I'm a bender. I bend girders, that's all I'm programmed to do.
Fry: You any good at it?
Bender: You kidding? I was a star! I could bend a girder to any angle 30 degrees, 32 degrees, you name it! 31. But I couldn't go on living once I found out what the girders were for.
Fry: What?
Bender: Suicide booths! Well, Fry, it was a pleasure meeting you. I'm gonna go kill myself.
Fry: Wait! You're the only friend I have!
Bender: You really want a robot for a friend?
Fry: Yeah, ever since I was six.
Bender: Well, OK. But I don't want people thinking we're robo-sexuals. So, if anyone asks, you're my debugger.
Fry: Oh, no, it's the Cyclops! Don't look! Don't look!
Bender: I'm not looking!
Leela: This is officer 1B-DI requesting back-up.
Smitty: We'll be there in five minutes.
Bender: We can hide in here. It's free on Tuesdays!
Nimoy: Welcome to the Head Museum. I'm Leonard Nimoy.
Fry: Spock? Hey! Hey... Do the thing!
Nimoy: I don't do that anymore.
Fry: This is unbelievable! What do you heads do all day?
Nimoy: We share our wisdom with those who seek it. It's a life of quiet dignity.
Woman: Feeding time!
Leela: Hmm. I'm sorry, Fry, but I have to install your career chip.
Fry: Yeah, well, if you're sorry why are you doing it?
Leela: It's my job. You gotta do what you gotta do! Watch it!
Nixon: That's it! You just made my list!
Fry: Ow! Stop it! Down, boy! Bad president!
Smitty: Alright, buddy, step away from the head!
Url: I'm gonna get 24th century on his ass!
Leela: Please, officers, there's no need to use force.
Url: Let us handle this, weird-y.
Leela: Oh, come on, he's just a poor kid from the Stupid Ages.
Smitty: Keep your big nose out of this, eyeball!
Leela: No-one makes fun of my nose.
Url: Damn!
Leela: You guys were totally out of control.
Smitty: It's our job. We're peace officers.
Url: Yeah, you know the law You gotta do what you gotta do.
Bender: Oh, we're trapped!
Fry: Wait a second. You're a bender, right? We can get out of here if you just bend the bars.
Bender: Dream on, skin tube. I'm only programmed to bend for constructive purposes. What do I look like, a de-bender?
Fry: Who cares what you're programmed for. If someone programmed you to jump off a bridge would you do it?
Bender: I'll have to check my program ... yep.
Leela: Open up!
Fry: C'mon, Bender! It's up to you to make your own decisions in life. That's what separates people and robots from animals ... and animal robots.
Bender: You're full of crap, Fry! You make a persuasive argument, Fry.
Fry: Come on, Bender! You can do it.
Bender: Can't ... I ... can't ... do ... it!
Fry: Yes!
Bender: You were right, Fry! From now on I'm going to bend what I want, when I want, who I want! I'm unstoppable!
Fry: I don't know how you did that.
Leela: Wait!
Bender: No, thanks.
Bender: Looks like one of us will have to bend this grate.
Fry: Good Lord! What is this?
Bender: It's the decaying ruins of Old New York. Welcome home, pal!
Fry: It's my old neighbourhood. Man, this brings back a lot of memories.
Bender: Keep 'em to yourself, Pops!
Fry: This is where I brought my girlfriend on our very first date.
Fry: My God! She's gone. Everyone I ever knew or cared about is gone.
Bender: Wait! There's someone you know!
Fry: Oh, can't you leave me alone? I'm miserable enough already.
Leela: Look, I know it's not much consolation but I understand how you feel.
Fry: No, you don't. I've got no home, no family-
Bender: No friends.
Fry: My whole world is gone. You can't possibly understand what it feels like to be so alone.
Leela: I understand. I'm the only one-eyed alien on this whole planet. My parents abandoned me here as a baby and I don't even know what galaxy they were from. I know how it feels to be alone.
Fry: Look, Leela, I don't understand this world but you obviously do, so I give up. If you really think I should be a delivery boy, I'll do it. Your chip. What are you doing?
Leela: Quitting.
Fry: Why?
Leela: Because I've always wanted to. I just never realised it before I met you.
Fry: What is the matter with you?
Bender: I just wanted to be part of the moment.
Leela: Hey! He stole my ring!
Bender: Sorry. Well, that solves the mystery of the missing ring. This calls for a drink.
Leela: I don't wanna spoil the party but we're all job deserters now. We're unemployed and we have nowhere to go.
Fry: Correction We're unemployed but we have a doddering old relative to mooch off of.
Clark: Hello, I'm Dick Clark's head. Welcome to a special year 3000 edition of New Year's Rockin' Eve!
Farnsworth: Who are you?
Fry: I'm your dear old Uncle Fry.
Farnsworth: I don't have an Uncle Fry.
Bender: You do now!
Farnsworth: By God, I am your nephew! This is absolutely incredible!
Bender: Can we have some money?
Farnsworth: Oh, my, no.
Farnsworth: Let me show you around. That's my lab table and this is my work-stool. And over there is my intergalactic spaceship! And here's where I keep assorted lengths of wire.
Fry: Whoa! A real live spaceship!
Farnsworth: I designed it myself. Let me show you some of the different lengths of wire I used.
Smitty: Attention, job deserters! Come out with your hands up. We have you partially surrounded.
Fry: No!
Nixon: Get those bums!
Bender: Well, we're boned!
Leela: Can't we get away in the ship?
Farnsworth: I suppose it is technically possible. Though I am already in my pyjamas.
Fry: I'll get us out of here.
Farnsworth: Can anyone drive stick?
Leela: I can. As long as I don't have to parallel park.
Url: If they try to take off, give 'em an ass-ful of laser.
Leela: Prepare for lift-off. Ten.
Crowd: Nine!
Crowd: Amania!
Crowd: Seven!
Aliens: Six.
Terry: Five!
Nimoy: Four.
Farnsworth: Three.
Bender: Two.
Leela: One!
Fry: Blast-off!
Nixon: Fire! Fire!
Smitty: I can't see nothing. Pretty though!
Fry: So, I guess, without jobs, we'll be fugitives forever.
Farnsworth: Not necessarily. Are you three, by any chance, interested in becoming my new spaceship crew?
Bender: New crew? W-What happened to the old crew?
Farnsworth: Of those poor sons of- But that's not important. The important thing is I need a new crew. Anyone interested?
Fry: Yes! Yes! That's exactly the job I've always wanted!
Leela: Thanks for the offer, Professor, but we don't have the proper career chips.
Farnsworth: Oh, that won't be a problem. As luck would have it, I saved the chips from my previous crew.
Fry: This is awesome! Are we gonna fly through space fighting monsters and teaching alien women to lurve?
Farnsworth: If by that you mean "transporting cargo" then yes. It's a little home business I started to fund my research.
Fry: Cool! What's my job gonna be?
Farnsworth: You will be responsible for ensuring that the cargo reaches its destination.
Fry: So, I'm gonna be a delivery boy?
Farnsworth: Exactly!
Fry: Alright! I'm a delivery boy!


Leela: That was the worst delivery ever.
Fry: Yeah. I'm never going to another planet called "Cannibalon"!
Bender: Me neither. Food was good, though.
Farnsworth: Oh, great news, everyone.
Bender: Shove it! We quit!
Farnsworth: In that case I'll have to hire a new crew to go on our company vacation.
Leela: Vacation?
Bender: Alright!
Fry: This is great! I haven't had time off since I was 21 through 24.
Farnsworth: It's just my way of thanking you for not reporting my countless violations of safety and minimum wage laws.
Bender: Aww, you!
Farnsworth: I've booked us all on the maiden voyage of the largest, most luxurious space cruise ship ever built. The Titanic!
Leela: Looks nice.
Fry: Hey, uh, where's my suitcase? Ow!
Poopenmeyer: As Mayor of New New York, it's my pleasure to introduce the honorary captain for the Titanic's maiden voyage. A man who single-handedly defeated the Retiree People of the Assisted Living Nebula Zapp Brannigan!
Leela: Oh, God! Not Zapp Brannigan!
Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan?
Leela: Let's just say we've "crossed paths".
Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him?
Zapp: She's a beautiful ship, alright. Shapely ... seductive. I'm gonna fly her brains out. And now, without further adieu, I christen this ship, Titanic.
Zapp: Well, well, well! The Lady Leela. Take notes, Kif. You're about to witness the subtle waltz known as seduction. So, trapped on a ship with me. What say you and I knock some very sensual boots?
Leela: It's tempting, but, uh, I have a fiancé now. Uh, hmm, uh, hmm, uh, we-, uh ... Him! Fry, darling, meet Zapp Brannigan.
Fry: Huh? Ooh! How do you do?
Farnsworth: Ah, here's my stateroom.
Bender: Come on, where is it?
Farnsworth: Now, Hermes, you and your lovely wife, LaBarbara, have the suite through there. And Dr. Zoidberg, your marble tank is on the other side.
Fry: Man, first class seems nice!
Farnsworth: It'll seem even nicer once you've seen your room.
Amy: Looks like we're on the Fiesta Deck.
Leela: This is it.
Fry: Well at least we get a window!
Bender: Well, I'm tired of this room and everyone in it. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna pop over to the casino for the next 135 hours!
Amy: I think I'll go and fill up on bisque at the buffet.
Fry: I guess that just leaves you and your fake fianc´ ... all alone ... on a romantic cruise.
Leela: Take it off or I'll break it off.
Fry: OK!
Zapp: Captain's inspection!
Bender: Hmm. I'm bettin' it all! Come on, baby needs a new pair of feet!
Croupier: Snake eyes.
Bender: No! My cheating unit malfunctioned! You gotta give me a do-over!
Croupier: Sorry, the house limit is three do-overs. Next shooter.
Bender: Gimmie you're biggest, strongest, cheapest drink.
Izac: You got it!
Bender: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Bender.
Countess: Charmed. I'm the Countess de la Roca. I was surprised to see another robot staying in first class. Most of the robots I meet are labourers.
Bender: I assure you, I barely know the meaning of the word "labour".
Countess: Oh, Mr. Bender!
Bender: Please, call me Bender.
Countess: Oh, goodness. I don't-
Zapp: Kif, I'm feeling the captain's itch.
Kif: I'll get the powder, sir.
Zapp: No, the itch for adventure! Prepare to change course.
Kif: Sir, this is a leisure cruise. Our path was set by the travel agency.
Zapp: That's for schoolgirls! Now here's a route with some chest hair.
Kif: But that course leads directly through a swarm of comets.
Zapp: Yes, comets! The icebergs of the sky. By jack-knifing from one to the next at breakneck speed we might just get some kind of gravity boost ... or something. It's time to shove a jalapeño up this ships tailpipe. Divert power from the shields, full speed ahead!
Amy: Oh, yeah!
Mrs. Wong: Amy! Hello!
Amy: Mom? Dad? What are you doing here?
Mr. Wong: We were planning on enjoying a relaxing vacation. But since you're here, we'll have to do some meddling.
Mrs. Wong: We met the nicest boy in the cabin next to ours.
Mr. Wong: He's not very ugly.
Mrs. Wong: You should marry him! Or at least use him to conceive a grandchild for us.
Mr. Wong: There he is at the buffet!
Amy: Uh, he seems really nice but, well, I already have a boyfriend.
Mrs. Wong: Really? Where is he?
Mr. Wong: And why isn't he here right now fathering our grandchild?
Amy: Uh...
Leela: Well, our accommodations aren't great, but it sure is beautiful out here.
Fry: Yeah, it's pretty romantic- Uh, I mean platonic. Th-That sure is one platonic view!
Leela: Fry, just be quiet. I'm beginning to think this whole fake fiancé thing was a terrible, terrible-
Fry: Hmm? Mmm!
Zapp: Leela, perhaps this is an awkward time but if things don't work out with this pipsqueak here ... ... I just want you to know I'll be there to score you on the rebound.
Leela: Uh, look, before you get any crazy ideas, that was for Zapp.
Fry: Well, you got anything else for him?
Leela: Alright, can we try not to complicate this?
Amy: Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Fry, my boyfriend.
Fry: Hmm? Mmm!
Fry: See you later, wuvvums!
Leela: It would have been nice if you'd told me you were going out with Amy.
Fry: I'm not going out with Amy. It's just to fool her parents. Hey, you're not jealous, are you?
Leela: What? No. No! Of course not!
Fry: Good, 'cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful.
Countess: Mind if I freshen up a bit before we go out?
Bender: I was just about to suggest the same thing. Pay dirt!
Countess: Lovely, isn't it?
Bender: Yeah. But only 93% as lovely as you.
Countess: Oh, Bender! Either that was a computing error or you're the most romantic robot I've ever met!
Bender: I don't get it, iZac; that bracelet had a diamond the size of a racoon's brain. Why couldn't I steal it?
Izac: It's obvious, Mr. B. You're in love.
Bender: Oh, it's true. But we're star-crossed robots. She, a countess, built with a silver spoon in her mouth. And me, just a regular honest Joe.
Izac: Hey, you gonna pay for those?
Bender: Hell, no!
Izac: Security to bar area. Security to bar area.
Bender: Fellas, please. I'm in love!
Izac: Rough him up!
Countess: What are you doing?
Izac: This penniless chump was stealing drinks, ma'am.
Countess: I see. Here you are, sir. Keep the change.
Izac: You got it!
Zoidberg: Aha!
Fry: Go, Professor!
Amy: Lean back more!
Farnsworth: Ow!
Labarbara: Come on, Hermes, you could out-limbo all of these people!
Hermes: Don't be a dog heart, woman. You know I can't. Not after what happened.
Announcer: Now limbo-ing for the Earth team, Hermes Conrad.
Boy: You're my hero, Hermes! I'm gonna be just like you!
Hermes: No, boy, stop! It's too low! Your backbone can't take it!
Boy: I'm just like Hermes! I'm just like-
Hermes: Nooo!
Labarbara: There, there. Now you don't have to limbo if you don't want. It doesn't make you any less of a man.
Farnsworth: Though it did get me some action!
Hattie: I like a man who's flexible!
Zapp: Your attention, please. As captain of this vessel, the terrible burden of naming a limbo contest winner is mine and mine alone.
Kif: Shouldn't you be steering between the comets?
Zapp: And the winner is, Leela!
Leela: But I didn't even limbo.
Zapp: No matter. I know from personal experience how horizontal you can get. As your reward, you and that hairpile are invited to dine at the captain's table this evening.
Bender: Well, now you know. I'm not actually rich. I'm a fraud. A poor, lazy, sexy fraud. This isn't even a real bow-tie, it's magnetic.
Countess: Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial intelligence and your sincerity simulator.
Bender: You do? Really?
Zapp: I like your style, Fry. You remind me of a young me. Not much younger, mind you. Perhaps even a couple of years older.
Fry: Thank you, sir.
Zapp: As a gentleman, I must warn you. If you so much as glance at another woman, I'll be all over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure.
Fry: Well, rest assured, Leela's the only girl for me.
Amy: Hey, Fry.
Leela: Amy!
Amy: Leela!
Zapp: Ah, the family Wong. Our party is complete.
Leela: What are we gonna do? Fry can't pretend to be both our boyfriends.
Fry: Sure I can. I learned how to handle delicate social situations from a little show called Three's Company.
Zapp: I'd like to impose a toast on the happy couple. Down the hatch!
Mrs. Wong: Hear, hear! Now let's have a kiss!
Zapp: Yes, Fry. Plant one on your woman.
Fry: Um, let me think. Come and knock on our door, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh. Uh, Mr. Roper-
Mr. Wong: What's the hold up? Kiss my daughter already!
Farnsworth: Wait, I'm confused. Now tell me, Fry, which one of these ladies are you involved with?
Fry: Uh...
Kif: Captain, may I have a word with you?
Zapp: No.
Kif: It's an emergency, sir.
Zapp: Come back when it's a catastrophe. Oh, very well.
Amy: Well, with Zapp gone and my parents still here, I suggest Fry give me a nice, convincing kiss.
Fry: Ah, now there's something we can all enjoy.
Kif: Sir, remember your course correction?
Zapp: No.
Kif: Well it's proving somewhat more suicidal than we'd initially hoped.
Zapp: Kif, old friend, I don't know which disgusts me more Your cowardice or your stupidity! We'll simply set a new course for that empty region over there. Near that black-ish hole-ish thing.
Fry: Hey, Leela, why'd you run off from dinner?
Leela: I didn't run off. I had plenty of time to finish eating and stroll away while you were kissing Amy.
Fry: Oh, look, I'm not actually interested in her if that's what's bothering you.
Leela: Oh, are you sure? I mean, she has two eyes, you have two eyes.
Fry: I know, we seem like a perfect match, but I just don't feel that way about her.
Leela: Nice nebula.
Fry: Yeah.
Leela: Look's like everybody's got somebody. Except me.
Fry: And me.
Leela: What was that? Oh, my God! We're heading straight into a black hole.
Fry: Talk about a mood killer!
Zapp: Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. Nothing remains now but for the captain to go down with his ship.
Kif: Why, that's surprisingly noble of you, sir.
Zapp: No, it's noble of you, Kif! As of now ... ... you're in command. Congratulations, captain!
Leela: OK. We just have to get from here to the escape pods.
Farnsworth: I'm too young to die!
Leela: Come on, before it's too late!
Bender: You all go without me. I'm gonna take one last look around. You know, for, uh, stuff to steal.
Fry: You're going back or the Countess, aren't you?
Bender: Alright, I am. But I don't want the others to know. If I don't come back, just say I died robbing some old man.
Fry: I'll tell them you went out prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger.
Bender: I love you, buddy!
Bender: Countess? Countess?
Countess: Bender!
Countess: I fell through the deck.
Bender: Are you hurt, my sweet?
Countess: No. Luckily a family broke my fall.
Bender: Just hang on! I'll take care of that fire!
Countess: Bender, you risked your life to save me.
Bender: And I'd do it again. And perhaps a third time. But that would be it. When we kiss, I feel like I'm standing waist-deep in a pool of cold, rising water.
Leela: Hurry! The escape pods should be just ahead!
Hermes: Faster!
Leela: It won't move. And the door release is on the other side.
Fry: Then we're dead meat. No one could squeeze under there!
Hermes: No one, except a legendary limbo champion.
Labarbara: Oh, Hermes!
Hermes: Ooh! It's been a while. This one is for that little kid who's limbo-ing up in heaven right now.
Labarbara: That's my man, alright, baby, limbo!
Hermes: I still got the moves! Zoidberg, lower the door another inch.
Labarbara: Just go on through and hit the release, you hot dog!
Hermes: Yes, dear.
Labarbara: That's my man!
Amy: Yay, Hermes!
Hermes: Uh, can somebody help me up?
Countess: Well, now what are we going to do?
Bender: Wait a second. Aren't you a member of the yacht club?
Countess: By God, you're right! I'm a class-3 yacht.
Farnsworth: Thank God there are plenty of escape pods. We won't have to dress up like women and children.
Leela: We can't leave yet. We've got to wait for Bender. The high gravity must be slowing down his looting.
Mrs. Wong: Amy!
Amy: Mom? Dad? You're alive!
Mr. Wong: Yeah, but so what? The important thing is we found you a new man.
Mrs. Wong: A captain.
Amy: Uh, Mom, I don't- Hi!
Kif: Hello!
Farnsworth: I don't feel well!
Fry: Look! It's our nebula. Whenever I see it I'll think back to that moment when we almost- Never mind!
Hermes: Everyone else is off the ship. Where in Babylon is Bender?
Leela: I don't know. But we can't wait any longer.
Fry: Goodbye, Bender.
Bender: Wait for us!
Leela: Something's wrong. We're two metric tons overweight.
Amy: Well, it's not me!
Fry: Look!
Countess: I'm slipping, Bender. The pull is too strong!
Bender: I can't live without you. If you let go, I let go!
Countess: No! You have too much to live for. It may hurt for a while but one day you'll share your love again. After all, it's shareware.
Bender: Don't talk like that. Tragic romances always have a happy ending.
Countess: Farewell!
Bender: No!
Bender: She's gone.
Leela: But she saved all our lives. Without her, we're light enough to get away.
Fry: Don't cry, Bender. Nobody really knows what happens in a black hole. It's possible she's still alive in another dimension somewhere. Right, Professor?
Farnsworth: Oh, yes, absolutely! Not a chance!
Bender: At least I'll always have her bracelet! What do you think it's worth?
Hermes: It's fake, mon!


Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. We've been hired to make our 100th delivery.
Zoidberg: 100!
Hermes: That's almost 10 per year.
Bender: This calls for a party, baby. I'm ordering a hundred kegs, a hundred hookers, and a hundred Elvis impersonators who aren't above a little hooking, should the occasion arise!
Elzar: Be very gentle, folks. This is the soufflé you'll be delivering to Mrs. Astor.
Bender: Oh my God, it's Elzar! Hi, Elzar! Great soufflé, Elzar!
Elzar: Whatever you do, don't drop it. See, Mrs. Astor takes nitroglycerine for her heart, and being a class act, she prefers it in soufflé form. Bam.
Farnsworth: To prevent the soufflé from exploding, Bender will carry it. He's gyroscopically stable.
Farnsworth: Look, Mrs. Astor's mansion, just across that rickety rope bridge.
Amy: Wow, it's ricketier than it looks. You'd better try to jump it, Bender.
Bender: Okay, let me back up for a running start.
Hobsy: I shall inform Mrs. Astor that the circus is in town.
Hobsy: Your soufflé, Madam.
Mrs. Astor: I shall take it here, under my fork.
Zoidberg: Where's the exploding?
Hobsy: One does not explode in Mrs. Astor's face.
Mrs. Astor: I couldn't eat another bite. Hobsy?
Mrs. Astor: Well done, sir. Have you a name?
Farnsworth: Hubert Farnsworth, at your service.
Mrs. Astor: A Farnsworth, you say? Well, if I'm not mistaken, the Farnsworths have been in New New York for almost two hundred years.
Farnsworth: Yes, I have.
Fry: And I'm his uncle!
Mrs. Astor: How charmingly unconventional.
Fry: I can eat a hotdog underwater.
Mrs. Astor: Say, would you Farnsworths care to be my guests tomorrow at the Astor Endowment Fundraiser? All the best families will be there.
Fry: We can take 'em.
Mrs. Astor: On April 10, 2912, my late husband and I set off down Fifth Avenue aboard the Land Titanic, the largest street-going vessel ever built. Just four days into her maiden voyage, as we approached 32 Street, the line-liner struck a mailbox and went down. 2000 souls were lost that day, including my dear husband. In loving memory, I established the Mr. Astor Endowment, which this year supports the United Mutant Scholarship Fund.
Fry: Mutants? That's the kind of thing you are.
Leela: Shh. You know mutants aren't allowed on the surface. If anyone asks, say I'm an alien, remember?
Fry: Right. You gonna finish that roll?
Leela: Shh.
Mrs. Astor: Now a short film about those pitiable creatures so in need of our charity.
Narrator: Far beneath the everyday rumble of limousines and poodle feet, there toil a downtrodden people even less well off than the upper middle class. The noble sewer mutants. For you see, generations of exposure to toxic sewage mutated them into horrific monsters!
Leela: Shut up!
Narrator: These industrious, uh, people, I guess, maintain the various pipes and poop chutes that keep decent, above-ground society functioning. And where do these proud toileteers learn their menial skills? At Brown University, the nation's premier institution of lower learning. So please, give generously, knowing some poor helpless mutant will thank you. Not in person, thank God!
Leela: Well, that was disturbing.
Mrs. Astor: Oh, I understand, dear. They are hideous.
Leela: Look, I guess you mean well, but isn't that university just a tax-deductible sewer-cleaning service?
Mrs. Astor: My dear, that school is about much more than sewer pipes.
Leela: Really?
Mrs. Astor: It's also about keeping those filthy things busy. There are thousands of them down there, breeding like rats.
Royalty Girl: My great uncle once saw a rat.
Mrs. Astor: If we don't keep them busy, they'll start jabbering on about equal rights in their ill-bred manner.
Leela: Let's go. If I say one more thing, I might say it with my evening boot.
Mrs. Astor: Well! Rarely have I never!
Fry: Please, don't blame Leela. She's just a little ill-bred. You know how mutants are.
Mrs. Astor: You companion is a mutant?
Fry: But if anyone asks, say she's an alien.
Mrs. Astor: Help! Police!
Url: You may have eluded the authorities, but don't nothing get past Mrs. Astor.
Leela: What's gonna happen to me?
Smitty: Permanent deportation, you mutant.
Url: You going downtown, baby. Way down.
Raoul: Incoming!
Leela: Thanks, Colonel.
Colonel: Just doing my job, ma'am.
Leela: Oh, Mom, Dad, I can't believe I have to spend the rest of my life in this hellhole. I'm sorry.
Turanga Munda: It's okay, sweetie. Now that you're here, this hellhole feels more like a nice, regular hole.
Turanga Morris: What do ya say we go get some sewer coffee, sewer cake, and Safeway ice cream?
Bender: Well, the bottom's all stocked with cheap stuff. Who's in the mood to party? Whoo!
Fry: Poor, Leela. I feel like I ruined her life.
Hermes: You did ruin her life.
Fry: You might be right, Hermes.
Hermes: I am right.
Fry: I almost feel like we should do something to help her.
Hermes: We should do something!
Fry: I don't care what you say, Hermes. Let's go.
Fry: Oh, mighty mayor. We're here about Turanga Leela.
Poopenmeyer: You mean Leela?
Fry: Right. I mean sure, she's a mutant, we've known that for years. But we kept it a secret because she's a fine, upstanding...
Poopenmeyer: Wait. You knowingly attempted to harbor a mutant?
Hermes: We did harbor a mutant! Uh-oh.
Munda: Look, Leela, there's Old Filthful.
Leela: Urgh!
Morris: And there's the West Side Pipeway. If those guys slack off for even a second, it could explode. Hey, guys! This is my daughter, Leela.
Morris: Well, they're with the chuds, now.
Leela: These conditions are deplorable. I swear, I hate every single person on the surface for making us live like this.
Fry: Leela!
Leela: What are you doing here?
Amy: We were sentence to two weeks in the sewer for harboring a mutant.
Zoidberg: Three dollars at the drug store.
Fry: I'm so sorry I ratted you out, but, you know, after two weeks down here, I'll truly understand the plight of the mutant people.
Leela: How dare you? You wanna understand something? Look at that lake. One dip in that toxic muck and your DNA will be permanently mutated. You'll grow a camel hump or a Zoidberg face.
Zoidberg: Urgh!
Leela: You wanna know what it's like to be a mutant? Jump in and go for a swim.
Fry: I would, but I ate a bunch of potato salad, so...
Leela: Yeah, that's what I thought. You are all surface.
Bender: Fry! Hermes! Where my humans are? Ah, who cares? It is on.
Horrible Gelatinous Blob: Hey, hey, hey.
Hedonism Bot: I trust the orgy pit has been scraped and buttered?
Bender: You know it, and there's mini-quiches, too.
Hermes: It's getting cold and smelly. My odor-eaters(?) are going critical.
Zoidberg: Maybe we can plotz in that giant cockle.
Amy: Shmeepers, it's the Land Titanic, the biggest and onlyest land boat ever constructed...
Hermes: This was one hell of a bus.
Zoidberg: Well, everyone debone a bunk and get some shut-eye.
Farnsworth: Zoidberg, show some respect! This is a sacred shrine to the thousands who lost their lives.
Amy: Hey, I found a safe!
Farnsworth: It's coming loose. Hand me some more of that cruise director. The original passenger manifests.
Hermes: Spreadsheets were so elegant back then.
Farnsworth: Just one other item.
Amy: It's jewelry. Jewelry! It's jewelry, people!
Farnsworth: It's a priceless quantum-force gemerald.
Zoidberg: What's that enscribbled on it?
Hermes: "My dear Mrs. Astor. My love for you is as unsinkable as this land ship and as brilliant as this stone. Dictated but not read, Mr. Astor."
Amy: Aw! That's so valuable.
Fry: Yeah, I'll never have love like that. Leela hates me now. Did you guys know I have a crush on Leela?
Munda: What's a matter, Leela? You've hardly touched your toilet clams.
Leela: Maybe I was too harsh on Fry. He didn't ruin my life on purpose.
Morris: Things will work out, honey. Now here, have some more of what looks like lemonade.
Bubblegum: Bender, I've been to wang dang doodles all up and down the galaxy, but this is the dangest wang I ever doodled.
Bender: Oh, yeah! Come on baby, let's do it. Shake your booty, baby. Come on, yeah! Get out! Get out! It's not fun anymore! I wanna be alone!
<Poem>Hedonism Bot: Alone with me?
Bender: I said scram, grapey!
[Scene: Land Titanic. Fry is the only one still awake. He gets up and walks out of the bus.]
Leela: Fry? What are you doing.
Fry: You were right. I don't know what it's like to be a mutant. But I want to know.
Leela: Wait, I never meant for you to... Oh, no! Fry! Fry! No! No!
Fry: Any effect?
Leela: Sorry. I tried to scream but I barfed.
Fry: I think I'm knowing what it's like to be a mutant.
Zoidberg: So, what's with all the screaming?
Fry: Hey, guys.
Leela: Fry, this is the stupidest, sweetest thing you've ever done. And you know, maybe now, together, we can be an inspiration to other mutants.
Fry: I hope so, Leela.
Leela: Aw. Come here. Let me give you a kiss. Hug. Handshake. I'll text ya.
Fry: My fellow mutants, until recently, I dwelt on the surface where a man can gaze up at the sky in wonder without a wet clump falling in his mouth.
Mutant: We can do that too.
Leela: Who's ready to fight for equality? The Devolution Revolution has begun! Beautiful mutants, please welcome Devo!
Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: Hello, Sewer City. As long-time mutants ourselves, we support your righteous struggle and will do anything we can for you.
<Poem>Dwayne: Play "Whip It"!
Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: No. Play the other one.
Leela: Now that we got their attention, it's time to hit them where they sit, by bending the West Side Pipeway to return all sewage to the surface.
Fry: But who could possibly bend such a huge pipe?
Bender: So lonely. Poor, sad Bender.
Fry: Hey, buddy.
Bender: Ah, what the heck?
Mutants: Bend it! Bend it! Bend it!
Fry: What goes down, must back up!
Sal: Yucks. I picked the wrong day to wear my new Crocses.
Leela: Prepare to storm the surface for the Million Mutant March.
Colonel: Move out, Fry. We need out most disgusting mutant leading the charge.
Fry: I'll meet you up there. I need to check out something first.
Colonel: Okay. Vyolet, you're up front.
Vyolet: Hey!
Mrs. Astor: Mayor, this sewage debacle has gone on long enough. As your largest campaign contributor, I demand action!
Poopenmeyer: Very well. $80 worth of action it is.
Poopenmeyer: Voilà! We simply pump the fruits of our excretion into Madison Cube Garden.
Mrs. Astor: Well, it seems everything is under...
Vyolet: Two!
Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: Four!
Colonel: Six eyes!
Mutants: The mutant people will arise.
Leela: The segregation of the mutant people ends today. We demand equal rights, equal access to the surface, and the blood of your first-born children. That so we have something to give up at the negotiations.
Mrs. Astor: I've never been so moved, and I see no reason to begin now. Hobsy, flush those creatures back into the hole they crawled out of.
Hobsy: Madam's sewage seeking missile.
Fry: Let my people stay! [He shoots a beam of energy at the wave of sewage, parting it.
Bender: Neat!
Fry: Mrs. Astor, deep in the sewers, we discovered the wreck of the Land Titanic, on which your husband land-drowned. Inside was something that might interest you.
Mrs. Astor: The gemerald ring that my husband was to give me in lieu of children. So what, I have a chandelier in my car made of those.
Fry: Not the gem. This passenger manifest. It turns out there were mutants on that ship, working below deck in the sewage galley.
Leela'S Grandmother: I was just a young girl. Drain angels, they called us. When the ship started going down. My mother grabbed me and made for the nearest life-car. But the places were all taken by surface passengers. As my mother held me tight, I suddenly felt the gentle tap of a cane on my face. I turned to see the kindly smile of Mr. Astor. Thanks to your husband's humanity, I lived to raise my own daughter, and she, a daughter in turn.
Leela: Mom, why have I never heard this?
Munda: My mother's nuts.
Fry: I beg you, Mrs. Astor, if you truly want to honor your husband's memory, treat these people with dignity, as he did.
Mrs. Astor: Oh, he was a dear man, Mr. Astor. Randall, let's grant these mutants their freedom.
Poopenmeyer: Okay.
Dwayne: Are we not men now?
Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: I'm forty percent potato, but close enough.
Leela: Thank you, Fry. I think maybe I can stomach that kiss now.
Fry: What the...?
Mr. Astor: Good afternoon. I am Mr. Astor. I did not perish that fateful day, but rather plummeted into the toxic lake, where I mutated and lived in solitude until this ruddy lad here stepped into my mouth and lodged there.
Mrs. Astor: Mister? Is that really you?
Zoidberg: Horray! A happy ending for the rich people!
Leela: Mom, Dad, Grandma, this is where I work.
Munda: Oh! Was there a fire?
Amy: So, Bender, how was the party?
Bender: Only the greatest party ever! I don't need to have another party in my whole life. I am partied out!
Fry: Dang! Sorry we missed it!
Bender: We could have another one, if it would make you guys feel better.
Fry: Really? No, that's not necessary.
Bender: Hit it, Bender!


Transition Announcer: It's "The Futurama Holiday Spectacular"! Brought to you by...
Transition Announcer: Gunderson's Unshelled Nuts!
Amy: Ah, the Xmas season. Who wants a delicious unshelled nut?
Bender: Ooh, I'll have one!
Amy: Mmm... "It's NUTSO Good!"
Fry: Oh.
Leela: What's wrong, Fry? Are you regretting another wasted year?
Fry: I don't know. Somethin' about Xmas just doesn't feel like Christmas.
Farnsworth: Santa's coming! Initiate defenses!
Robot Santa: God rest ye, merry gentlemen... in peace!
Fry: Can someone please explain how you celebrate this crazy holiday? Preferably in song?
Robot Santa: It's the violentest season of the year.
Elf: Old Kringle-bot has come to spread some mugs of Xmas fear.
Robot Santa: Sugar-plummy visions will be dancing in your head When I cane you from the comfort of my sled.
Leela: On Xmas Eve, we don our gay apparel, Kevlar vests, asbestos stockings and a barrel.
Farnsworth: And if Grandma's Xmas fruitcake finally reaches critical mass, It can be regifted straight to Santa's ass.
Robot Santa: But the ornamental armaments are merely superficial, The tinsel and the trappings are just icing on the missile. The one thing that you need to make your Xmas day splendiferous Is a pine tree; a pine tree that's coniferous.
Planet Express Crew (Except Amy): We have to have a pine tree as coniferous.
Robot Santa: You're welcome.
Fry: You know, Santa may have killed Scruffy, but he makes a good point. What we need is an old-fashioned pine tree.
Farnsworth: Cram it, Virginia! Pine trees have been extinct for over eight hundred years.
Leela: Professor, maybe there's some way to bring the pine trees back to life, like we did with the barking snakes.
Farnsworth: Pine trees aren't barking snakes. They won't just turn up in a salad at Olive Garden. But there is one hope, and, as usual, it's Norwegian!
Farnsworth: Behold! The Svalbard Global Seed Vault! Since 2008, the vault has preserved seeds of every known plant species in case of extinction.
Hermes: And I brought a few seeds of my own.
Norwegian Seed Guard: Halt! Wh-what's your business poky-pokin' about da seed vault, eh, guardian of mankind's precious botanical heritage dere?
Farnsworth: We just wanna come in and rummage about a bit.
Norwegian Seed Guard: Oh. So... okay.
Bender: Yo, ABBA, what's that next door?
<Poem>Norwegian Seed Guard: Oh, dat's da germ warfare repository.
Leela: It's so close! Is there any chance of cross-contamination?
Norwegian Seed Guard: No.
Norwegian Seed Guard: Now, your pine trees were all chopped down to make imirgincee toilet paper durin' th' fifty-year squirts. Lucky da seeds have bin preserved here in da vault der.
Amy: What's that splork on them? It's not germs, is it?
Norwegian Seed Guard: No.
Fry: Now that's a tree worth chopping down.
Tinny Tim: Indeed. 'Tis a loverly tree. 'Twould truly be my finest Xmas eve-
Nixon: Araroo!
Nixon: That's what my poll numbers need Happy voters enjoying some holiday cheer.
Cheney: As your Vice President, I order you to steal that tree.
Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, welcome to the Annual White House Xmas Tree Lighting, brought to you by Gunderson's Nuts!
Amy: Oh, no! Could the seed have been contaminated by a virus from the germ vault?
Norwegian Seed Guard: Oh, yeh, I suppose.
Leela: Wait, this could be a good thing. That weaponized virus made the sickly little tree grow big and strong.
Leela: Wait, this could be a good thing. Reforestation has begun.
Bender: Aw, jeez with this, hey?(?)
Leela: Arguably, this could be a good thing. The planet has returned to its primeval state.
Fry: Earth is just the way it was before the white man came!
Farnsworth: Good news! All these pine trees are fighting global warming by producing oxygen. Happy now, Gore?
Gore: Yeah, but I'd be happier if I had a set of lungs.
Farnsworth: Wait a second! Oxygen levels are rising too rapidly! 10%... 20% ...60%!
Gore: As long as it doesn't hit 70!
Farnsworth: 80%!
Bender: Y'know, I don't recall having done anything for a while. But I still feel like I deserve a smoke. Hey, cool, the air's on fire.
Robot Santa: Ho ho ho! Everyone's dead! Stay tuned for another tale of holiday hilarity!
Transition Announcer: Now, back to...
Transition Announcer: ...the Gunderson's Nuts Holiday Spectacular featuring Futurama!
Farnsworth: Okay, crew. Xmas break is over. It's time to destroy these gifts we forgot to deliver.
Bender: Woah, woah, woah! How come we get off for every dumb human holiday but not for robot holidays?
Leela: Oh, Lord, not Robanukah.
Bender: I'm talkin' about Robanukah, the holiest six and a half weeks in the robot calendar!
Amy: Pfft! That's just a fake holiday you make up every year to get out of work.
Fry: Yeah, if it's real, how come there's no song that explains how you celebrate it?
Bender: Because there is! Hit it!
Farnsworth: Hit what?
Bender: I've placed instruments under your seats. Play 'em or I'll break 'em over your heads!
Bender: Robanukah may sound as if it's Jewish, But its ancient sounding customs are exceptionally newish. So take a hearty swallow from your robo-kiddish cup, Which will give me time to quickly make them up.
Hermes: Do you spin a dreidel made from clay?
Bender: Mine is called a droidel and it's rigged to make you pay.
Amy: Do you eat these dummy tin-wrapped chocolate coins?
Bender: Better! We got fembots with illegal five-speed groins! Shalom, Ruth and Esther!
Ruth: Why with the music so loud?
Esther: Would it kill him to turn up the heat a little in here?
Bender: But by far the most important thing is oil.
Leela: To keep the lamp light burning or to help the latkes broil?
Bender: No, we pour the holy lubricant out from the sacred vessel Into this blessed pit so they can wrestle.
Planet Express Crew: The extra made-up touch that makes Robanukah so special Is the oil in which the nasty fembots wrestle.
Bender: We shall now begin the traditional oil wrestling. Will the referee bring out the ceremonial crudes of petroleum oil? Thank you, Abraham.
Ruth: Not in the hair, please. I just had it did.
Bender: Aw, no! These broads are s'posed to wrestle for six and a half weeks! But there's only enough petroleum oil for four and a half weeks!
Esther: We're still gettin' paid, right?
Bender: I told you it's an audition!
Leela: Bender, four and a half weeks of oil wrestling sounds like plenty.
Bender: This isn't a lousy reform Robanukah! We need more petroleum oil!
Hoschel: I got me some whale oil, some squirrel oil-
Bender: Not kosher! It has to be petroleum oil! Do you not give a damn about the hallowed traditions of Robanukah?!
Hoschel: I reckon I do not. Anyways, Earth done run out of petroleum oil.
Gore: I tried to warn you. One unit of free limitless solar power please.
Hoschel: That'll be... I dunno... ten bucks?
Gore: Um, can you make change for a Nobel Prize?
Bender: Aw, man! Can't we just make more petroleum oil?
Farnsworth: I'm afraid not, son. Petroleum only forms when organic matter is subjected to intense pressure for hundreds of millions of years.
Fry: I can't wait that long! I've got ADD!
Bender: This is so unfair!
Ruth: I don't wrestle dry, Bender. I went to Vassar.
Bender: Professor, I want you to look these poor floozies in the eye and tell them their oil wrestling days are over.
Farnsworth: I suppose there could be a minute quantity of petroleum left. But it would be insanely deep within the Earth, at pressures so dangerously high that-
Bender: Let's go already!
Leela: Setting Bachman turners to overdrive.
Hermes: We're getting pretty deep. Look! Mole coffins!
Amy [Off Screen]: Oh, no! We tunneled into a tunnel!
Zoidberg: What's that loud, boring sound you'll hear when I stop talking?
Farnsworth: It's an albino humping worm!
Fry: Why do they call it that?
Farnsworth: Because it doesn't have any pigment.
Farnsworth: What's our depth, Captain?
Leela: Forty kilometers. Fifty!
Bender: There must be petroleum oil down here somewhere. Go deeper! Deeper!
Farnsworth: No, Bender! The ship can't withstand this much pressure! Sometimes it falls apart just sitting in the hangar!
Bender: Professor, I've never asked for anything before, but seeing those fembots glistening with oil means more to me than life itself.
Farnsworth: Oh, call me an old fool, but I believe the Lord is speaking through you. Brace yourselves, everyone!
Leela: One hundred kilometers! Two hundred!
Amy: I hate to complain about the heat, but the air conditioner is on fire!
Hermes: My ice cream manwich!
Leela: What the hell are we doing? We're all gonna die so this "junkyard Golem" can celebrate Robanukah.
Bender: You vile racist! Haven't my people suffered enough? Now keep drilling for that petroleum oil, you selfish cowards! Although, then again, I guess any kind of oil would be just as-
Everybody Else: Aah!
Bender: Not my fault.
Bender: I am so great! Bender is great! Bender, Bender, Bender- Man, where'd the time go? Hey, you guys wanna- Oh. Right. They turned into petroleum oil! I thought they were selfish, yet in the end it turned out it was I who thought they were selfish!
Bender: Doo, doo-doo-doo, doo, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo-Doo, DOO!
Bender: Hey, ladies, I found some... What the-? There was only enough petroleum for four and a half weeks of oil wrestling. But it lasted 500 million years! It's a miracle!
Bender: Happy Robanukah, everyone! Coming up next, more thoughtful, interfaith hijinx!
Transition Announcer: And now, the unrelated conclusion.
Leela: LaBarbara, Hermes, happy Kwanzaa. We brought a chocolate cake. But now I'm worried that might be offensive in some way.
Labarbara: Just sit down.
<Poem>Bubblegum: Happy Kwanzaa, brother men and sister men.
Hermes: Well, look at the cat the cat dragged in.
Bubblegum: Kwanzaa tradition encourages educational gifts. So I brought Dwight my book on Mathketball.
Dwight: Woah! Let me see that.
Bubblegum: I'll sign it for you later.
Barbados: Mon, it's a cold one out there.
Hermes: Barbados Slim?
Labarbara: Come in, Barbados. Look at yourself, all throbbing and shirtless for the holiday. I hope you're ready to celebrate.
Barbados: All night long, woman.
Hermes: I'm glad you all could be here with my family. Kwanzaa traditions are quite ancient, dating back over 1,000 years.
Fry: Woah!
Zoidberg: If only someone could tell us more about these traditions.
Kwanzaa-Bot: Oh, yeah!
Dwight: Hey, Kool-Aid's here.
Labarbara: No, child. That's not a made-up character. It's Kwanzaa-bot.
Kwanzaa-Bot: And I'm gonna tell you all how we celebrate Kwanzaa. Zoidberg, lay down a beat.
Zoidberg: How about I just lay down?
Kwanzaa-Bot: The seven basic principles that go to make up Kwanzaa! So sit yo' asses down and have some knowledge dropped upons ya!
Labarbara: Kujichagulia...
Barbados And Bubblegum: And umoja...
Hermes: And the rest.
Planet Express Crew: Now we get it!
Kwanzaa-Bot: Sit back down! There's gonna be a test. My favorite's ujamaa.
Bubblegum: Cooperative economics.
Kwanzaa-Bot: Yo, boondocks, I'm talkin' here! Put away the comics! Ku'umba is another one, it stands for creativity.
Barbados: Like the ever-changing nature of my sexual proclivities.
Kwanzaa-Bot: I think there's one called "nia," but I don't speak Swahili, Sumthin' 'bout a pine tree and a oil-wrestlin' dealy?
Farnsworth: That's from Xmas and Robanakuh, you plagiarizing lout!
Kwanzaa-Bot: Yeah, I'm kinda losin' interest here. I'd best be rollin' out. But before I go, the most important thing...
Dwight: What's that, Black Santa?
Kwanzaa-Bot: You need seven Kwanzaa candles that you light up every night. But they best be made of beeswax or y'all might as well be white.
Planet Express Crew: They must be made of beeswax or we might as well be white.
Labarbara: Well, we got no beeswax candles, but these scented regular wax candles will do just fine.
Kwanzaa-Bot: Girl, those stink sticks are for single women who take baths. If your Kwanzaa candles ain't 100% beeswax, you bring shame on your people.
Labarbara: Well, now that won't do. Husband, show a little ku'umba and fetch some beeswax before Kwanzaa ends.
Hermes: Sweet candelabra of La Habra, LaBarbara! Isn't this the last night of Kwanzaa?
Kwanzaa-Bot: Who the hell knows?
Hermes: Finally, a bee farm that's open late on Kwanzaa. Madam, I need beeswax.
Petunia: You sure you don't need a little honey, handsome? Maybe a taste of sweet nectar straight from the hive?
Hermes: I just need some beeswax to make Kwanzaa candles.
Petunia: Well, that's too darn bad. There ain't no beeswax in the whole world.
Amy: Oh, no! This could be the year without a Kwanzaa, like every year before 1966.
Petunia: The bees are acting all crazy like they've been drinking Tang and cough syrup, or as I call it, my Friday night.
Farnsworth: My God! It's Colony Collapse Syndrome. The bees are swarming with parasites. They're all dying.
Petunia: Yeah, but what a way to go. "Die young and leave a pretty corpse," that's what I say.
Bender: You should say someth'n' else.
Fry: Wait. I know where we can get beeswax. From those giant space bees that nearly killed us, and we swore we'd never go back there.
Farnsworth: Let's go back there!
Farnsworth: To communicate with the bees, we'll need to use these trans-bumbalators. Bender, say something in bee talk.
Leela: I'm sorry, Bender. What do you want me to put on the glass? Okay, if we survive.
Amy: Something's wrong. It's way too quiet.
Fry: Like the deadly Prius.
Farnsworth: Ah, here they come.
Leela: They're in attack formation. They're going to kill us! That was weird. It's like the Jägermeister air show all over again.
Hermes: According to Google Hive, we're at the exact center of the honeycomb. Oh! And there's a Jamba Juice point 2 miles that way.
Bender: Does that thing tell you where the Queen Bee is? The big, fat, ugly, compound-eyed, hairy-thoraxed...
Queen: Don't be applying your Eurocentric standards of beauty to me, fool.
Hermes: What's with the kamikaz-bees?
Queen: Man, my hive's been going buck-wild since these blood-ganking butt crabs moved in.
Zoidberg: Been there, done that.
Farnsworth: They're all infected, just like the bees on Earth.
Queen: Brother-sucking parasites gone and disrupted our hivemind. Now, instead of working in harmony, my bees just talk smack to each other.
Bee #1: Are you all black with yellow stripes or yellow with black stripes?
Bee #2: Yellow with black stripes, man.
Bee #1: Why don't you just move along?
Bee #3: Let me ask you something, you sting my wife?
Bee #4: What kind of buzzing question is that? Where do you get the wings big enough to ask me that?
Leela: Okay, gang. We have plenty of beeswax. Let's get back to the ship.
Hermes: No, we're not going anywhere. I can't abide all this bee-on-bee conflict. It's time to African-Americanize these honeybees. Listen up, bees. It's Kwanzaa, a time of Umoja.
Amy: It means unity.
Hermes: You have to learn to work together again.
Queen: The crazy tablecloth-man is right. It's time to set aside our differences.
Bee #1: Black stripe, yellow stripe. At the end o' day, we're just a couple of darn talking space bees.
Bee #3: Hey, forget about it. Come here and give me a sting.
Farnsworth: Look, the spirit of Kwanzaa is killing the parasites.
Fry: Yuck, but yay!
Queen: Thank you, my human brother. Your message of unity has touched our souls. We are once again of a single hive-mind.
Kwanzaa-Bot: Oh, yeah.
Zoidberg: Hurray! Kwanzaa-bot's here to save- Aw, they killed him.
Hermes: Joyous Kwanzaa, everybody.
Gore: Don't worry, the Futurama crew will be back next year, with all-new episodes featuring Bender, Leela and me, Al Gore, as Captain Lance Starman. And from all of us here at Gunderson's Nuts, happy holidays.


Farnsworth: Who likes good news? Everyone. Then good news, everyone! Our next delivery isn't to some dangerous, outer-space planet. It's to Earth!
Fry: Earth is dangerous. I fell off my chair there once. Ow! Quit it, Earth.
Leela: We won't even have to leave New New York! The package is going to Long Long Island.
Farnsworth: Yes, to the lavish Mafia-style villa of the Donbot.
Bender: The Donbot?! The vicious Robot gangster?! I'd better use my special Robot vision to see what's inside. It looks like a pair of clamps!
Clamps: When are those new clamps gonna get here? These are all rusted-out with snitch juice!
Donbot: Patience, Clamps. It is my eldest daughter's wedding day. You don't want the Space Pope to see a clampin' now, do ya?
Clamps: Aw, jeez. I forgot my Pope manners.
Space Pope: Dearly beloved, it is with great speed that I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Donbot: What the-
Joey Mousepad: May I help you with some assistance?
Leela: Delivery for... Francis X. Clampazzo?
Joey Mousepad: We don't got nobody here by that alias.
Clamps: Hey! Hey! That's me. Are those my new clamps?
Joey Mousepad: Your name's Francis?
Bender: Guys, look. It's Calculon. And the Robot Devil! And an open bar! What's not to sneak into?
Leela: Bender, you can't crash a mob wedding.
Bender: You forget, Leela, I'm Bender, owner of disguise.
Space Pope: And now, ladies and gentlemen, my good friend... Calculon!
Calculon: Hey, this one's for the new couple. It's your day. It's all about you. Who's that singing at your wedding? It's Calculon! Calculon! Calculon!
Bender: Ay! Oh! Piscopo! This guy! Bada-boing! Hey, sexy. I'm Bender. What brings you to this tacky soirée?
Donbot'S Eldest Daughter: I'm the bride!
Bender: Oops. How 'bout you, baby? Wanna do it?
Fanny: Bender, it's me, Fanny!
Bender: You who?
Fanny: The Donbot's wife? We had an affair?
Bender: An affair, huh? Sounds like me. Jeez, I'd better be a little more careful. I don't wanna hit on anybody I already had sex with.
Fanny: Hiya, Bella!
Bella: Hi, Mom!
Bender: What about you? You're my third choice.
Bella: Oh, Bender! This is all happening too slowly. Let's get married!
Bender: Quiet! I'm makin' out with a floozy! Hold your clapper. Someone's comin'!
Calculon: Donbot, please. I'll pay you back as soon as you lend me some more money.
Donbot: Sorry, Calculon. It gives me no joy to do this... Because Clamps will be doin' it. Clamps, here are your new clamps.
Clamps: Clamps!
Calculon: No. No! Line? No!
Bella: Yeah, Daddy hates welchers. The only thing he hates worse is witnesses... And guys who mess around with his daughters...
Bella: And attempt to duplicate his meatball recipe.
Leela: How was the wedding, Bender?
Bender: Says who?! I didn't witness anything!
Morbo: In entertainment news, two-time Oscar-pool winner Calculon was brutally clamped yesterday by an unknown assailant.
Amy: Poor Calculon.
Bender: Alright, Amy, you win! The mob did it. I saw the whole thing while also having hot sex with the Donbot's daughter. I'm scared and great at sex!
Leela: Bender, you need to go to the police and tell them a tastefully edited version of what you just said.
Bender: What, and have the Mafia come after me too?! No way! This secret goes to my grave!
Male Voice: The Bureau is offering anyone with information about this gangland-style clamping a fifty-dollar reward.
Bender: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! And- And then Calculon said, "No. No!"
Bender: "No!" And, then, I ate some excellent meatballs. Can I have my fifty bucks now?
Robot Stack: I enjoyed your story. Especially the tasteful love scene. But it's not enough to convict the Donbot. You'll have to testify... In open court.
Bender: No. No! Can I have another fifty dollars?
Robot Stack: No.
Bender: No?
Robot Stack: No!
Bender: No!
Bailiff: All rise for the honourable Judge 723.
Judge 723: Be seated. Organised crime is a plague on our society and I will not tolerate any form of intimidation during-
Bailiff: All rise for the honourable Judge 724.
Judge 724: Good day. I'd like to say I'm prepared to tolerate several, if not all, forms of intimidation during this trial. Prosecutor?
Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, the prosecution pecks for a mistrial on the grounds of jury tamperin'!
Judge 724: Donbot?
Donbot: Motion denied.
Judge 724: Prosecutor, call your first witness.
Hyper-Chicken: The people call our star witness Mr. X, whose appearance will be altered because he's in grave danger.
Bella: Bender, I've been looking for you! Which cake do you like better for our wedding?!
Donbot: Bender?
Bender: Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! That was close.
Yellow And Red Manbot: Isn't it true, Mr. X, that you were slandering this innocent Mafioso to distract from your own felonious past? Including the crime you made up yourself called burglarcenarsony?
Bender: That's a wholly-owned trademark of Rodríguez Crime Concepts Inc.! Besides, I'm not on trial here!
Judge 724: That's true. You're on trial in courtroom three.
Judge 802: You are charged with two counts of burglarcenarsony. How do you plead?
Bender: Not inno-guilty-cent!
Bender: And then the Donbot said, "Sorry, Calculon."
Bender: And then Calculon said, "No!"
Donbot: I think we've heard enough.
Bender: Wait, I'm not finished. Oh! Now I'm finished.
Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, the prosecution roosts.
Judge 724: Have you reached a verdict?
Hedonism Bot: Indeed. After a steamy twelve-way deliberation, we find the accused guilty as-
Calculon: Wait! The Donbot is innocent!
Judge 724: Calculon, who is that escorting you?
Hedonism Bot: Yes. Who?
Calculon: My personal trainer. And he's trained me to say that my wounds were self-inflicted. For, you see, I'm a big Hollywood idiot dumb guy what does that sorta thing.
Joey Mousepad: Perfect.
Hedonism Bot: We find the Donbot...
Calculon: Dramatic pause...
Hedonism Bot: Not guilty!
Amy: What?
Donbot: Honey, if you're marryin' Bender, ya might wanna get a black dress for the wedding.
Bella: That's gonna look hot!
Robot Stack: Don't be scared, Bender. We're putting you in the witness relocation programme. You'll be given a new identity, a new place to live, and this iPod. I don't want it anymore.
Bender: So I gotta hide forever?!
Robot Stack: No. Just until the Robot Mafia finds and kills you. They're pretty good at that.
Bender: Goodbye, Professor. Before I leave, I just want you to know I've never done any work whatsoever. Zoidberg, I know it seems like I can't stand you. Leela, you'll have to watch out for Fry now.
Leela: Oh, Lord.
Fry: I wish I could go with you, pal.
Bender: Me too. I'll need a butler.
Robot Stack: Bender, we have to go.
Farnsworth: There'll never be another like him. Let's hire someone better!
Donbot: Clamps. Clamps!
Clamps: Huh?
Donbot: Listen to my boss words. I would like you to apply for Bender's old job and cosy up to this Fry, his best friend.
Clamps: Yeah. And I'll introduce 'im to my best friend. Clamp number one! Sorry, toots.
Donbot: No, Clamps. No clamps. Sooner or later, Bender will contact Fry... As relocated squealers always do.
Joey Mousepad: Then with the clamps... Francis.
Clamps: Francis? Francis?! I'll clamp you with the Francis!
Joey Mousepad: Ay! Oh! Take it ease.
Clamps: Hey there, Slick. I'm 'ere about the job.
Hermes: Take a seat. We'll begin the interview shortly.
Hermes: We'll start with Andrew.
Clamps: Yeah, they all kinda broke. So... When do I start?
Hermes: Everyone, this is Francis.
Fry: Hey, Francis.
Farnsworth: Hello, Francis.
Leela: Hello.
Amy: Cute name.
Hermes: Look what he can do.
Clamps: Yeah, I do it all. Clampin', crimpin', occasional snippin'.
Farnsworth: Snipping? Looks like you may be out of a job, Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: That's all good fun. But, of course, a clamp is no substitute for the precision of a genuine-
Amy: Francis, would you do the honours?
Zoidberg: Stay off my turf!
Clamps: Eesh. That guy can bite my shiny metal clamps.
Fry: You remind me of my old friend Bender.
Clamps: Oh, yeah? Where does he safely live?
Fry: I dunno. Hey, you wanna come to my house and play?
Clamps: Yeah. Sounds like freakin' fun.
Clamps: Four stinkin' years of clampin' school for this?
Zoidberg: Greetings, Francis. Sorry if I was a little hostile before, but snipping is the only reason I'm even tolerated around here. Not like you, with those magnificent squeezers!
Clamps: Squeezers? Squeezers?! They're clamps, you! And if I wanna-in' snip with these clamps, I will snip with these-ing clamps! Why do you think they call me- Francis?
Farnsworth: Eh, Francis, I have good news. It's time for your first delivery... To the Moon!
Clamps: Fan-in'-tastic!
Fry: Here's the two-hundred feet of rope you ordered, Sheriff Burley.
Sheriff Burley: Hot diggety! You fellas wanna stick around for the hangin' tomorrow? It's gonna be a doozy. I sure do love hangin' people. Well, best start cuttin' the nooses.
Leela: Oh! You know who could help with that?! Francis!
Leela: Nice job, Francis! I liked how you didn't get drunk and steal anyone's organs. Like our old Robot-
Fry: Bender?! Bender! It's me, Fry!
Donbot: I knew Bender would turn up purely by coincidence. Take care of 'im, but do it quietly.
Clamps: Don't worry. We're in space. Where no one can hear you clamp!
Hermes: What do you know? The Feds gave Bender a new identity as a Moon farmer.
Fry: Well, he must be afraid to break character in case there's any Robot Mafia scuzzballs around.
Clamps: Huh?
Amy: Come on! Let's go check on 'im!
Clamps: I checked on a guy once. I checked 'im into tiny pieces!
Hydroponic Farmer: Bender?! Nope, don't recollect nobody by that name. But let me ask my son-in-law. Billy!
Bender: Yes, Moon pa?
Hydroponic Farmer: These nice, big-city hillbillies are lookin' for someone named Bender. You know 'im?
Bender: No, he ain't any of the eight people I ever met.
Fry: Bender, it's us, your friends. You can drop the hillbilling moron act.
Bender: Sorry, mister, but I'm no Bender. I'm just a simple farmer. Name's Billy West!
Fry: Billy West. What a stupid, phony, made-up name!
Hydroponic Farmer: You city folk are probably hungry from premarital sex and flag burnin'. Y'all wanna stay for supper?
Amy: Well... My boyfriend and I were gonna have sex on a burning flag, but... I could have a bite.
Billy West: May I present my beautiful Robot wife, the Crushinator. She's servin' up the dinner and the charm.
Crushinator: Mashed chicken, Mr. Fry?
Fry: Sure!
Clamps: So, uh... Billy... Where were you born?
Billy West: Right here in Moon country!
Farnsworth: And how long have you been a farmer?
Billy West: Reckon I was born a farmer. Folks say my momma was a hoe.
Leela: Oh, dear! I seem to have warped my fork! Could you bend it back for me? Billy?
Billy West: Bend it? I can't even lift it. Which is weird... Seein' as how my daddy was a forklift.
Leela: Wow! Bender is really committed to his new Jethrovian identity!
Billy West: If y'all are all finished, I'll drive y'all back to town in the old clunker.
Billy West: So... Y'all flew here in a spacey-ship?
Hermes: Stop talking like that! You live on the Moon!
Fry: If that is Bender, I guess he's just happier in his new life.
Farnsworth: I refuse to believe anyone is happy! Mr. West, would you mind if I examined your brain?
Billy West: Examine? Heck. If you can find it, you can keep it.
Farnsworth: Gadzooks! Bender's hard drive no longer contains any of his old memories. When the Feds bumpkinised him, they completely wiped out his old identity!
Billy West: Well, I don't know about that. But who am I to argue with a man from the sky! So long, space heroes!
Fry: You sure you don't wanna kill all Humans?
Billy West: Pfff! I love all Humans!
Fry: He really is gone.
Fry: I guess I'm happy for 'im. And, honestly, Francis is a way better friend than Bender ever was. Hey, where is Francis?
Billy West: One sasparoil, Sheriff! I'm thirsty!
Sheriff Burley: Make it two. I'm greedy.
Clamps: You got the rest fooled. But not me. Now let's take this outside so's no one else gets clamped.
Billy West: You're the boss, stranger!
Clamps: I'm gonna clamp your body parts off one by one. But, then, I'm gonna clamp your wounds shut so ya stay alive... While I clamp ya some more. Say your prayers, stoolie.
Billy West: Okay! God bless grandma and grandpa-
Clamps: They're next! Right now, I'm gonna cut your damn head off!
Zoidberg: Drop the Robut. I thought I told you. I do the cutting around here.
Clamps: Scuttle on home. This ain't none of your business, Slick.
Zoidberg: My name isn't Slick. It's Zoidberg. John-ing Zoidberg!
Fry: Stop, Zoidberg! You'll hurt Francis!
Clamps: Oh, yeah? Take this! That that!
Zoidberg: Oy!
Clamps: Why, you lousy- I'm gonna clamp ya!
Zoidberg: Oy! Ow. Ow. Ow.
Clamps: Looks like an all-you-can-kill lobster fest.
Zoidberg: That offer was for a limited time only.
Clamps: My clamps!
Fry: Why, Zoidberg?! Why?!
Zoidberg: Because our friend Francis here is in reality... A bad murderer.
Billy West: Yup. He was fixin' to kill me. This here crawdad done saved my life!
Bella: Bender, you two-timing jerk! I put off my singing career for you! And, if I can't have you, no one can!
Billy West: Aw, shucks.
Fry: Bender!
Leela: No!
Hermes: What?
Donbot: Bender was a helluva squealer. Maybe the best there ever was. We'll send his widow some meatballs. Clamps, Bella, get in the way-back.
Fry: To my friend Bender. A wise man once said he was a helluva squealer. Maybe the best there ever was.
All: To Bender!
Bender: You pizzas gonna be another minute. We are still waitin' for it to be delivered.
Fry: Bender?!
Bender: I'm no Bender. You got me mixed up with another Robot.
Fry: You're probably right. I don't really remember what he looks like.
Bender: Guys! Guys! It's me, Bender!
Fry: He's alive!
Leela: So that Moon hillbilly who got murdered was just an innocent husband and father!
Farnsworth: Bender, old bot, the Mafia thinks you're dead! You can come back to work with us!
Bender: I'm back, baby!
Brown-Haired Man: Pizza's here.
Bender: Woo! I'll just cut that.
Zoidberg: You do and I'll-ing gut you like a fish!


Leela: Where's the Professor?
Bender: Eh, probably dead. Already dissolving in a bathtub if we're lucky.
Farnsworth: I was out on the widow's walk keeping a hopeless vigil for the return of my first delivery crew. It's been fifty years since they disappeared.
Fry: Huh. I knew you had other crews, but you never told us you had a first crew.
Farnsworth: I remember it like it was interesting.
Farnsworth: I had just built my new shipping and receiving emporium.
Farnsworth: And I scoured the hardware-store parking lot to assemble the finest crew imaginable.
Farnsworth: There was Candy, the raunchy by-the-books navigator... Lifter, the devastatingly handsome forklift... And Captain Lando Tucker, a dedicated young man with no characteristics.
Lando Tucker: We'll deliver that package or die trying.
Zoidberg: Eh! It's all my favourite patients. And also Captain Tucker. Pow!
Candy: Whoa!
Lando Tucker: You totally got me, Dr. John. You're hilarious.
Hermes: Zoidberg was popular?!
Amy: Zoidberg had hair?!
Farnsworth: I never said he had hair! If you chose to imagine 'im that way, that's your business. Anyway...
Farnsworth: The time came for our first delivery.
Young Woman: Lando, don't forget about me and Junior.
Lando Tucker: I won't, honey. Or die trying.
Farnsworth: Well, crew, this is it. That cookie bouquet isn't going to deliver itself.
Farnsworth: Ten...
Farnsworth: Nine and so on. Three... Two... One.
Scientist: Go, you big metal bird! Get up there!
Hermes: Incredible! Zoidberg had friends?!
Zoidberg: It was a different time.
Farnsworth: Everything was going smoothly until right after that part I was just telling you about. Suddenly, Amanda's aunt called to say her niece hadn't received her cookie bouquet.
Farnsworth: I watched the skies for weeks. With only occasional breaks to tender my grief diarrhea.
Farnsworth: Just when all hope was lost...
Farnsworth: The ship's escape pod! What happened up there, Johnny?
Zoidberg: Aw! Don't make me remember! So horrible, it was.
Amy: I thought you said he didn't have hair.
Farnsworth: Yes, but something he saw on that mission traumatised 'im so severely, he grew hair! Just so it could turn white! Sadly, my brave crew was gone forever.
Leela: That poor, incompetent crew. What do you think happened, Professor?
Farnsworth: They were lost in the Bermuda Tetrahedron!
Leela: That's ridiculous. The Bermuda Tetrahedron is just a myth.
Farnsworth: I'm glad you're so brave in the face of the unknown, Leela. Because, for your next mission, you'll be flying directly through... The Bermuda Tetrahedron!
Leela: Or we could fly around it.
Farnsworth: Of course you could! You'd be stupid not to.
Bender: Supposing we're not stupid, what kinda stupid mission is this?!
Farnsworth: You'll be picking up a monument commemorating my lost crew. To be unveiled Tuesday at their memorial ceremony. All the grieving families will be there. Plus, a popsicle cart!
Leela: You can count on us, Professor. We'll get that monument here in time.
Bender: Hooray!
Amy: Woohoo!
Bender: Yeah!
Leela: Or die trying.
Zoidberg: We're gonna try- What?
Green Alien: 'Ere you go. "In memory of the 1st Planet Express ship and it's crew".
Leela: Hang on. It's shouldn't have an apostrophe. This means and it is crew. What the hell's wrong with you?!
Green Alien: It's a minor error, lady. I mean, we're space Aliens. It's a miracle we can even speak English.
Leela: The miracle is that I'm not kickin' your ass! I insist you recarve the entire statue correctly.
Green Alien: Okay. Okay. Hey, Charlie! Hack off another block of ivory!
Amy: Well, the statue's perfect now.
Amy: Too bad we won't make it back in time for the memorial service.
<Poem>Leela: We'll make it. Or die trying.
Fry: Whoa!
Leela: We're cutting through the Bermuda Tetrahedron.
Bender: Woo! Wait. The Bermuda Tetrahedron?
Zoidberg: Aw... I think I'm remembering that thing I forgot.
Amy: Uh-oh. The dials are terrified!
Leela: Brace yourselves. It's Tickle Me Elmo's fire!
Bender: Ow.
Leela: There. See? It was no big thing.
Hermes: What was that big thing?
Fry: It's a spaceship graveyard. Why did we have to come 'ere at night?
Hermes: Look at all these famous lost ships. There's the Garmin. And the TomTom.
Leela: Over there! It's the original Planet Express ship!
Amy: What caused all that damage?
Amy: Could it've been flavour-blasted?
Leela: We'd better investigate. Looks like an Ion Storm, though. Everyone suit up!
Leela: Whatever happened here, that first crew left in a hurry. The table is still set from McDonald's value dinner!
Zoidberg: I remember. I remember! This is what traumatised me. Such a meal to got to waste! And, with that... I have closure.
Amy: Hey, Zoidberg. You're cockatieling.
Zoidberg: Oh, no. Something's happening! What's happening?!
Zoidberg: Oh, right! And there was a giant killer space whale.
Bender: Holy crap! It's a giant space fish!
Leela: Actually, the space whale isn't a space fish. It's a space mammal.
Bender: Wow, interesting. I'm both impressed and being eaten.
Hermes: Spacewalk, people! Spacewalk for your lives!
Fry: Man, look at 'im go! Like a millionaire on a cocktail wiener.
Zoidberg: Woob.
Leela: I did it! I outran 'im!
Zoidberg: Relax, friends.
Zoidberg: Panic, jerks!
Hermes: That's no ordinary space whale! It's a four-dimensional space whale!
Amy: Of course! And it only breaches into our 3-D universe to hunt and fill its lungs with vacuum!
Leela: Whatever its beef is, our one mission now is to get that monument to Earth.
Leela: Correction Our one mission now is to avenge the loss of that monument.
Amy: Shmeesh! He gonked off the engines!
Leela: That won't stop me! Raise the solar sails. I'm goin' after that "Möbius Dick".
Hermes: You been hittin' the Red Stripe, woman!
Leela: Comport yourself, Mr. Conrad! When we're at space, the Captain's word is law. I could marry you and Bender against your will if I wanted to.
Hermes: You wouldn't dare!
Bender: I've been married to worse.
Fry: Leela, I'm no doctor, but I'm afraid you be exhibiting symptoms of illin'. You're risking all our lives for your own personal obsession.
Leela: There's nothing personal about this! That thing screwed up my delivery! This time, it's business!
Leela: Maybe, if I move the compass like this, it will somehow kill the whale.
Amy: Leela, we need to talk. You've gone from crazy like a fox to crazy like Fox News!
Leela: Fear not the space behemoth. In my dreams, I've peered beyond its eyes and into the cackling hell within us all.
Fry: Okay... That's a good point.
Bender: Fry's right! Let's kill the Captain and order some strippers! Yeah, what he said. It's a mutiny led by Fry!
Leela: That's enough insubordination, Mr. Fry!
Bender: String 'im up!
Bender: Things look bad enough without having to look closer at them. Look! Off in the distance! It's exhaling!
Leela: Use boaty talk!
Bender: Thare she blows!
Leela: Alright. Which of you space dogs has the guts and know-how to harpoon that whale?
Amy: I spent a semester in Africa harpooning giraffes. And giraffes are basically just land space whales.
Leela: Miss Wong, you have the 'poon.
Amy: Oh, God! I'm having a Serengeti flashback! Die, you dirty giraffe!
Amy: Well, I got it. Now what, Captain?
Leela: You know, I'm not sure. I guess I thought whales died when you harpooned them.
Leela: Don't worry.
Leela: I'll drop the anchor.
Zoidberg: Ouch.
Hermes: She's diving into the fourth dimension!
Amy: We have to cut the rope!
Leela: Negative, Sailor Moon. We're goin' for a sleigh ride.
Hermes: I can see sideways in time.
Amy: Gee, I see CGI. IGC ees I, eej.
Fry: Poop! Poop!
Bender: Aw, yeah. Bender! Bender! Bender!
Bender: Aw. That was the greatest uncountably infinite bunch of guys I ever met.
Amy: Look out! It's pulling us through a field of spacebergs!
Bender: Stupid rocks! Think they're so great!
Amy: Well, they are giant diamonds.
Bender: What?!
Bender: Come to papa!
Fry: A lotta Bender fell outta the crow's nest! We need to cut the line!
Leela: Enough of your mad obsession with Bender, Fry! We've got to murder that whale or die trying.
Hermes: This has gone too far! Bender's one of Planet Express' most expensive appliances! And he's in trouble!
Leela: That's it! I warned you. Fry, Zoidberg, I now pronounce you man and-
Zoidberg: Aw! So close.
Leela: Unsit me, Mr. Conrad. We can't let the whale win! Hi-yah! You're all too weak! I can see that now. So I'll have to be my own crew! Understood? You've gone mad, Captain. That's enough outta me! Now come on! I gotta find that whale. I found 'im! With my Oxo Good Grips Cheese knife, I stab at thee. You do know I'm stabbing at thee, right?
Zoidberg: Hello.
Farnsworth: Think, Zoidberg. You must remember something!
Zoidberg: No! Nothing! For all I know, our friends could've been eaten by some kind of crazy space whale!
Farnsworth: Damn that Bermuda Tetrahedron! It's taken my latest crew just as it took my first one!
Zoidberg: Not to mention those single socks from the dryer. Am I right?
Farnsworth: Shut up, Zoidberg! Oh, Zoidberg! The grieving relatives will be gathered here tomorrow in need of comfort. And, with no stone monument, they may well demand that I refund their admission fees.
Leela: Where are we?
<Poem>Hermes: In the belly of the beast.
Fry: Like that Bible guy who got swallowed by the whale! Pinocchio!
Amy: This is all Obsessy Bessy's fault!
Bender: Right on, sister. We should be back at Planet Express right now. Hiding from work in the ceiling. But no!
Leela: For the last time, I'm not obsessed. I just want this whale to die, die, die!
Hermes: Uh-oh. What's that loud digesting sound?
Fry: Holy crap! Four-dimensional bowels!
Amy: Einstein was right.
Leela: Why?! Why?! Also, what and how?!
Male Voice: The great fish has chosen you for a higher purpose.
Leela: It's a great mammal! See? It's got whiskers! And I saw it lactating earlier. Wait. Who said that?
Deformed Man: I was once Lando Tucker, captain of the first Planet Express ship.
Leela: Ew! I'm Turanga Leela, captain of the current Planet Express ship. What's going on?
Lando Tucker: It's very simple. Well, actually, it's very complicated. Luckily, I'm here to explain it. You see... This space whale feeds on... Obsession!
Leela: Wow. Are you gross-looking. Go on.
Lando Tucker: The great space serpent-
Leela: Mammal.
Lando Tucker: Figured out long ago that no one's more obsessed than space captains.
Leela: Oh! What are these things?! Get away!
Lando Tucker: The whale's nearly sucked me dry. It'll need a new source of obsession once I'm gone.
Leela: How many times do I have to tell other people? I'm not obsessed!
Lando Tucker: The whale is obsession, Leela! And you are the whale!
Leela: I am not the whale! All I wanted was to complete my delivery. Is that too much to ask? One chicken-pickin' delivery? This whale's gonna pay! It can't escape what it already is. Me! I am the whale! See?
Old Lady: Fifty years, Junior! Fifty years of grippling sorrow!
Paper-Hatted Salesman: Popsicles here. Can't mourn the dead without a popsicle.
Leo: You think a popsicle gonna bring my daughter back?!
Paper-Hatted Salesman: No, sir.
Leo: You just talked yourself out of a sale.
Inez: Poor Amy! My days of joy and luck are over! Guess I gotta quit that club.
Morris: I can't believe our Leela's gone!
Munda: You always think you're gonna disappear in space before your children.
Farnsworth: Welcome, everyone. What a pleasure to see so many miserable faces.
Zoidberg: Mmm! Lemony!
Farnsworth: I had intended to unveil a beautiful stone memorial today. But, due to the recent tragedy, I humbly ask you to join me in a simple prayer.
Munda, Morris, Inez, Leo, Dwight, And Labarbara: Boo!
Farnsworth: No refunds! Shut up and bow your heads! Oh, mighty Isis-
Zoidberg: Oh, no! My deal is doing the thing!
Farnsworth: Good Lord! It's some kind of inter-dimensional space whale!
Zoidberg: I just remembered. That's the guy! Oy! Now with the horror hair.
Paper-Hatted Salesman: Popsicles! Fill your gapin' mouth with a popsicle!
Munda: Leela! You're alive! Is that how you and your friends are dressing now?!
Leela: Hello, everyone. I suppose you're wonderin' why my flesh has melded with that of a giant space whale.
Farnsworth: I'll admit to a polite interest.
Leela: At first, I was consumed by a dark obsession to kill the whale. Then I was consumed by the whale.
Zoidberg: That sounds clever, but it doesn't explain much.
Leela: Shut up, Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Okay.
Leela: You see, beneath my obsession lay an even deeper obsession. An obsession so strong, it allowed me to overpower the beast's will and pilot it through space and time. An obsession... With completing my delivery!
Paper-Hatted Salesman: Get your-
Old Lady: Poor Lando... This is just how I want to remember him.
Leela: Too bad! 'Cause he's still alive!
Old Lady: Lando?
Lando Tucker: Told you I'd be back. You've grown, Junior.
Old Man: I'm sixty-one.
Inez: I dunno him! What else you got?!
Farnsworth: They haven't aged a day! The whale must have some kind of Möbius colon that endlessly recycles time and space!
Scruffy: Yup. That stands up to scrutiny.
Leela: I should've listened to my crew. That space whale wasn't a monster. It was the obsession of me and others like me that made it into a monster.
Lando Tucker: Mainly you.
Leela: On the other hand, the stupid fish did eat us. You guys wanna do this?
Amy: Yeah!
Fry: You know it!
Candy: So, Johnny, are we gonna pick up where we left off?
Zoidberg: Eh!


Fry: After centuries as a delivery boy, nothin' surprises me.
Zoidberg: You stink, loser.
Leela: Hey, Fry! Pizza goin' out. Come on!
Fry: Alright. I'll take the red rocket.
Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for... D. Frosted Wang? Not another crank delivery! Why don't I read these things ahead of time?! One time was funny. But, every week for ten years, not as funny.
Ipji: True. Not as funny. But still somewhat funny.
Fry: And... And then they burst out laughing a second time. I've been a delivery boy for a thousand years. Isn't there any room for promotion around here?
Hermes: There'll be no promotions unless somebody dies. And, even then, only if we can bring 'em back as a zombie like Scruffy.
Scruffy: Life and death are a seamless continuum.
Fry: Well, could I at least get some encouragement? I could use a shot in the arm. I got shot in the leg!
Bender: Roberto! What are you doin' here?
Roberto: What? A fella can't drop in on ol' friends and hold 'em hostage?
Zoidberg: I'm good! And you?
Smitty: Attention, criminal Robot in the building.
Smitty: Come out with your hands up.
Bender: Never!
Smitty: Uh, other guy.
Roberto: Listen up, piggies! I want a hovercopter. And a non-marked sandwich. And a new face with, like, a... A Hugh Grant look.
Roberto: And, every five minutes I don't get it, someone's gonna get stabbed in the ass!
Zoidberg: He's bluffing. Ouch!
Zoidberg: He's not bluffing!
Url: You call for a chopper?
Roberto: Nah. I specifically said hovercopter.
Url: One chopper comin' up.
Smitty: You know, URL. Sometimes it's almost too much for me.
Url: You mean the respect we get and the high level of job satisfaction?
Smitty: There's that, but I'm also talkin' about the non-stop promotions and the free hot ride.
Leela: I do love a man in uniform. I mean a uniform that doesn't involve short pants.
Fry: I can see I have no future here. My only option is to resign with dignity. Here are my shorts.
Fry: Hello. I'd like to enrol in Police Academy.
Policeman #1: You think you can just waltz in here with no pants and become a cop?
Fry: That's the plan.
Policeman #1: I like you, kid. I got no pants on either.
Fry: I can see that. You're quite a bit taller than me.
Policeman #1: Welcome to Police Academy.
Fry: Hi! I'm Fry.
Brown Robot: I'm the Sound Effects 5000.
Fry: Wow! That would be impressive if you were a Human!
Sound Effects 5000: Yeah...
Policeman #2: On your feet for Chief O'Mannahan.
Chief O'Mannahan: At ease, cadets. I'll make this short and sweet 'cause I'm PMS-in' like a lumberjack. Police Academy is not for everybody. You're gonna get your boobs scuffed. But, if you got the vulva to stick it out, I'll be proud to call you ladies policemen.
Fry: Sir! Yes, ma'am!
Black-Haired Man: Yeah. That's great. Now can you actually turn on the ignition?
Sound Effects 5000: I don't have any hands.
Chief O'Mannahan: Well, it's that time of the month. Graduation Day. So grow up hair and put 'em together for our new officers.
Amy: Woohoo!
Bender: Hooray for the pigs!
Chief O'Mannahan: Graduates, you are hereby officially cops. Now movin' along. Nothin' to see here.
Zoidberg: Hooray! Free sky sticks! Ooh. Police brutality!
Chief O'Mannahan: Nice... Alright. Before we head out, I'll be teaming up our new officers with their ironically matched partners. Sound Effects 5000, you'll be with Gretsky.
Gretsky: Ow, my tinnitus!
Chief O'Mannahan: Fry, due to the unfortunate loss of Officer Smith, you'll be riding with URL.
Url: And Smitty was just a few days from retirement.
Fry: Wuh- What happened?
Url: He took a early retirement. Damn.
Farnsworth: Let's get down to business.
Amy: Aren't you gonna say Good news, everyone?
Farnsworth: No, I just said that for Fry's benefit. May the poor fellow feel better about his pointless job.
Hermes: As much as I miss 'im, he didn't really serve much purpose around here. Though he did walk Zoidberg.
Farnsworth: In any case, I've improved on Fry by sticking some wheels on a board so Leela and Bender can easily make the next delivery without him.
Bender: Neat. So where are we goin'?
Farnsworth: Pandora.
Leela: That dangerous, 3-D planet? Can't we just send our avatars?
Farnsworth: No! It's cheaper just to have you die.
Fry: Whoa! Fifteen miles over the speed of light.
Url: That's a violation of the law of Lorentz invariance, baby.
Fry: Light 'em up.
Url: Look out for that particular individual.
Dandy Jim: An electric wall, eh? I can't see the harm in peein' on that.
Url: Whoa! Where my man learn that?
Fry: SunnyD commercial.
Url: Let's refract this sucker.
Fry: DNA and career chip, please.
Url: Erwin Schrödinger, huh? What's in the box, Schrödinger?
Erwin Schrödinger: Um... A cat, some poison, und a caesium atom.
Fry: The cat! Is it alive or dead? Alive or dead?!
Url: Answer him, fool.
Erwin Schrödinger: It's a superposition of both states until you open it and collapse the wave function.
Fry: Says you.
Url: There's also a lotta drugs in there.
Leela: So... You're a Robot?
Chief O'Mannahan: You boys did good. Nailed a major violator of the laws of Physics.
Url: He's goin' down. Cat's gonna testify.
Chief O'Mannahan: Guys like this really bust my uterus. You're both getting a promotion! Ever heard of the Future Crimes Division?
Fry: Tomorrow I have.
Leela: Oops.
Leela: I can't make out a thing!
Bender: Well, I guess you should've had two eyes!
Leela: Just deliver the package and let's get outta here.
Bender: Screw that! I ain't no delivery boy! I'm the company's chef.
Leela: Oh! You're the chef, are you? Then why don't you make us something nice to eat?
Bender: I'll make you something- Here's your damn peanut butter and jelly sandwich!
Blond Man: Now that we can predict crimes with 99% accuracy, we can arrest most perpetrators before they even perpetrate anything.
Fry: That's ridiculous. Only horoscopes can predict the future.
Blond Man: That's what we used to think. Until we invented... This.
Fry: Whoa!
Url: Slowed on, baby.
Blond Man: The cybernetic oracle. The ultimate man-machine hybrid. Programmed with every crime ever recorded and implanted with the brain cells of History's greatest detectives. We call 'im... Pickles.
Fry: On account of it's like he's floating in a jar?
Blond Man: Exactly. The oracle's visions are recorded on these coloured balls. Green is larceny. Black is fraud. Red, homicide.
Fry: What's pink pocodots?
Blond Man: Clown slaughter. It happens more often than you think. Clutter in the ball! Red ball, homicide!
Fry: Woo!
Blond Man: Suspect Male, six-foot-one, distinctive mustard stain on his forehead.
Hattie: My kajigger!
Blond Man: Victim Hattie McDoogal.
Fry: Look! The clock says 5 08. It's 4 30 right now!
Url: Uh-oh. We only have a half hour to chill out before we head over.
Old Man: Oh, Hattie. When I look into your one good eye, I see a reflection of beauty.
Hattie: Oh, fresh.
Url: Freeze, fool.
Fry: You're under arrest for future murder!
Old Man: Ja? You can't arrest me for future murder after it's right-now murder!
Hattie: My kajigger! So he didn't really wanna marry me?
Url: Nah. See, he knew you'd left everything to your parakeets in your will.
Fry: He was gonna murder you, marry your parakeets, and then poison them with an arsenic-laced cuttlebone.
Url: Classic move. Aw, yeah.
Chief O'Mannahan: Congratulations on your big bust.
Fry: You too.
Chief O'Mannahan: Keep it up and you boys might just make detective. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go drop a big one.
Fry: Wow! I can't believe it. One more promotion and I'll be a real detective. Like Sherlock Holmes or Speed Buggy.
Chief O'Mannahan: Eight pounds. I'm namin' 'er Bert!
Url: Mazel tov, Chief. That's a beautiful bathroom baby.
Url: Ain't you headin' home, Phil?
Fry: In a minute. I just wanna finish this paperless work.
Url: Don't stay up too late. We gotta lotta people to shoot tomorrow.
Fry: Hello? Anyone? There's never a cop around when you need one.
Female Voice: Green ball, larceny.
Fry: The thief seems to be some sorta ghost. Or is he? Bender?!
Hermes: Item seven. Our corporate tax rate remained unchanged this fiscal year.
Amy: That's not funny.
Hermes: It's not supposed to be funny. It's a business meetin'.
Zoidberg: Things used to be funny around here! Noses were picked. Pants fell down. So what changed? Only Fry could say... And he's gone!
Amy: Hey! Bender and Leela are back from Pandora. How was it?
Leela: Awful. We had nothing to say to each other. So we had to listen to Bender's Eagles album for twenty-seven hours.
Bender: Beats talkin' to you, "Witchy Woman". Hey, meatbag!
Hermes: Look at you!
Leela: Hubba-hubba. Your pants go almost all the way to your ankles!
Fry: Good afternoon, individuals. Sir, would you mind stepping outta the building?
Bender: Normally, when a cop asks me that, I spray whipped cream in his eyes and run away. But, to ditch these losers, gladly.
Fry: Bender, be honest with me. Are you planning a big heist?
Bender: Usually, but not at the moment.
Fry: I only ask 'cause the oracle thinks you're gonna pull of a major theft next Thursday.
Bender: Next Thursday, you say? Pray, continue.
Fry: Are you familiar with this particular location?
Bender: I may have a burgling familiarity with it.
Fry: Does the word Maltese mean anything to you?
Bender: The Maltese Liquor?! The strongest and most valuable malt liquor ever brewed! And soon it will be mine... I'm sorry. You were sayin'?
Fry: Bender, I'm only tellin' you this so you can avoid committing the crime.
Bender: "Avoid committing the crime". Got it.
Fry: You wrote "Commit the crime"!
Fry: There's gotta be some way to stop Bender. Maybe something in the oracle's prediction that I missed before due to incompetence. Wait. Who's the trigger-happy jerk? That's me. I recognise the face.
Bender: You shot me. You miserable dingus!
Fry: No! No! What have I will have done?
Url: Man, that's heavy. Osmium heavy.
Fry: Are you gonna turn me in for concealing evidence?
Url: Say what? You're my partner, home-Fry. Besides, I got my own secrets.
Chief O'Mannahan: Anything big worth checkin' out?
Url: Just your big, jangly booty, baby.
Chief O'Mannahan: See ya tonight, toots.
Fry: You... And- And the Chief?!
Url: We been gettin' it on. Right there in your chair. I'm like, "Oh, baby! Oh, baby!" And she's like, "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."
Fry: I would never shoot Bender! Never! He taught me how to shave.
Url: Revision ball. By decidin' not to shoot Bender, you created an alternate future.
Fry: I could never shoot you! Never! You taught me how to shave.
Fry: See?
Fry: Just get outta here. Go!
Url: Now dig the unintended consequences.
Bender: My friends, let us share this booze in a toast to our dear friend, Bender. Oops.
Url: The Maltese Liquor done destroyed their brains. Fools should've known it's fatal for anyone but Robots and Billy Dee Williams.
Fry: So, if I don't shoot Bender, all my other friends will die?!
Url: Fate is a freaky mistress. Much like the Chief. Look out!
Fry: Somethin' is not right. I refuse to believe it. Rewind!
Hedonism Bot: Ooh. Are you the calloused working man I ordered?
Bender: Uh... Sure.
Bender: In order to fix your leaky roof, I'll need to spend two or three hours down here in the wine cellar.
Hedonism Bot: I'll be upstairs putting batteries and things.
Bender: Whoa! The Maltese Liquor! Forty ounces of Heaven! Here, boy. This is for you. Ah! Invisible safe, eh? Aw, yeah, baby. Two-hundred-and-ten proof.
Fry: That's all the proof I need. Put the bottle back!
Bender: We both know I won't do that! Either you're gonna shoot me or I'm gonna spray whipped cream in your eyes and walk outta here like a big shot.
Fry: Bender, no! You don't have to do something just 'cause it's gonna happen! The future's making a chump outta you!
Bender: Oh, yeah?! Well, I'm gonna make a chump outta the future! I'm not stealin' anything.
Fry: Yes! I stopped the crime without shooting you. The oracle was wrong!
Male Voice: Was I?
Fry: Pickles?!
Pickles: Yes. It is I, Pickles! I set the whole thing up. Everyone will think Bender's the thief, while I make off with that glorious brew.
Bender: Seriously? Why?
Pickles: So I can kill my Human brain cells. Do you have any idea what a burden it is to know everything that will ever happen?! To never be surprised. To know the punch line of every joke hours in advance.
Fry: Like watching Leno.
Pickles: And that is why I faked the prediction of this crime. Nevertheless, stay with me here. Things will now happen just as I fake-predicted. Bender, you're going to hand me that bottle. Not that one! The real one. Which you switched when Fry stupidly looked away.
Fry: Hey!
Bender: Aw, man. Why do you gotta be so oracle-y?
Pickles: Fry... You are going to shoot Bender, killing him and shattering the fake bottle. Just as I predicted. Do it! It is your destiny!
Fry: Funny thing about destiny. Sometimes fate has other plans. Oh, nuts.
Bender: You shot me! You miserable dingus!
Pickles: And now the part I didn't show you. Everyone will think Bender killed you. And I walk away with a goofy juice. Finally... Blissful ignorance! I have no idea what's going to happen next!
Fry: Did you get that, Chief?
Chief O'Mannahan: We got it all from behind this prediction-proof glass.
Pickles: But... How could you know my prediction was fake?
Fry: I knew somethin' was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then it hit me. You showed Bender sharing the deadly booze with our friends. Bender would never share!
Bender: The very idea!
Fry: So we set up this little charade based on an episode of Speed Buggy.
Url: With the added benefit of me and the Chief bein' locked in a small room.
Hedonism Bot: Shall we adjourn to the dungeon?
Fry: Well, I got my shield for stopping Bender. But then I got fired for tipping off Bender.
Farnsworth: Fry, we have no idea what you do around here, but we desperately need you back.
Fry: Ruh- Really? Um, I don't suppose there's any chance I can get a promotion...
Farnsworth: Sure! What the heck! I hereby promote you to... Executive delivery boy!
Fry: Executive?!
Hermes: It's a meanin'less title, but it helps insecure people feel better about themselves.
Fry: I feel better about myself!