Farnsworth: As new employees, I'd like your opinion on our commercial. I paid to have it air during the Super Bowl.
Fry: Wow!
Farnsworth: Not on the same channel, of course.
Announcer: Interplanetary deliveries - what a headache!
Horrible Gelatinous Blob: Evans! Where's that package from Earth?
Man: Uh... I'm not Evans!
Horrible Gelatinous Blob: He should've used Planet Express!
Announcer: When those other companies aren't brave or foolhardy enough to go, trust Planet Express for reliable, on time delivery.
Evans: Here's your package, Mr. Horrible Gelatinous Blob.
Horrible Gelatinous Blob: Good work, Evans! You've got a future around here.
Evans: Thank you, sir!
Announcer: Planet Express Our crew is replaceable. Your package isn't.
Fry: Are there really giant birds like that?
Farnsworth: No, no! That was all just special effects! Now let's have breakfast. I hope everyone likes eggs.
Fry: I'm never going to get used to the 31st century. Caffinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?
Leela: Well, if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula.
Farnsworth: Ah, Hermes! Crew, meet Hermes Conrad. He manages my delivery business, pays the bills, notifies next of kin, what have you.
Hermes: Someone come and dropped this package through the slot last night. Now which one of you is the captain?
Farnsworth: Oh, my! I haven't picked a new captain yet. It's always so hard to choose.
Fry: Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Farnsworth: Hmm, you!
Hermes: OK, Captain, this is just a standard legal release protecting Planet Express from lawsuits in the event of the unforeseen.
Leela: Death by airlock failure.
Hermes: Mm.
Leela: Death by brain parasite.
Hermes: Yeah.
Leela: Death by sonic diarrhoea?
Hermes: Oh, you don't want that!
Leela: Look, I don't know about any of your previous captains but I intend to do as little dying as possible.
Hermes: Sign the paper!
Farnsworth: Now, Fry, before you go into space you'll need to see our staff doctor. I should warn you though, he's a little ... unusual. He wears sandals!
Fry: Hi-
Farnsworth: Dr. Zoidberg, this is Fry, the new delivery boy. He needs a physical.
Zoidberg: Excellent, excellent!
Farnsworth: You'll be fine.
Zoidberg: Now open your mouth and let's have a look at that brain. No, no, no, no, no, not that mouth!
Fry: I only have one.
Zoidberg: Really?
Fry: Uh, is there a human doctor around?
Zoidberg: Young lady, I'm an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say... What? My mother was a saint! Get out!
Farnsworth: Dear Lord, Bender, you're filthy.
Bender: Yeah, like you don't have crap in your neck!
Farnsworth: Amy, why don't you give his body a going over with the cleaning pick?
Amy: OK. Does it hurt when I go like this?
Leela: Ow!
Bender: A little.
Fry: Well, the doctor says I'm as healthy as a crab. Can I go into space now?
Farnsworth: As soon as we finish cleaning Bender. Oh, and Fry, this is our intern, Amy Wong. She's an engineering student of mine. I like having her around because she's the same blood type as me.
Amy: Hey! You're the unfrozen guy! From the 20th century, right?
Fry: Last time I checked.
Leela: Hang on. Amy Wong? Of the Mars Wongs?
Amy: Look, we're not as rich as everybody says.
Leela: Uh-huh! What sorority do you belong to?
Amy: Kappa Kappa Wong.
Bender: Hey, rich girl. Look over here! It's me, Bender. I'm being entertaining. Look at my head. It's all painted! Look at my head! I got a big, old head, hey! Ho! Alright, show's over, I'm tired.
Farnsworth: Ah, to be young again. And also a robot. Now, as I recall, you youngsters have a package to deliver.
Fry: Finally! Come on, Bender. Let's mosey!
Bender: Nice catch, idiot!
Fry: So where are we going anyway?
Leela: Nowhere special. The moon.
Fry: The moon? The moon moon? Wow! I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave guys no one ever heard of!
Amy: Oh, I love stuff like the moon! Can I come, Leela?
Leela: Well ... I guess so. Just be careful. I'd like to hold off any major screw-ups until at least my second day as captain.
Farnsworth: Nothing will go wrong. If something goes wrong, bring back the blood.
Fry: Can I do the countdown?
Leela: Huh? Oh, sure. Knock yourself out.
Fry: Ten ... ... nine-
Leela: OK, we're here!
Fry: Eightsevensixfivefourthreetwooneblastoff!
Fry: Hurry up! I wanna see the moon!
Leela: Relax. It's open till 9.
Fry: That's one small step for Fry-
Man: And one giant line for admission!
Fry: Wow! Um, can I have cuts?
Man: Hmm ... no!
Fry: You're not gonna believe this but they landed an amusement park on the moon!
Amy: Guh! It's the happiest place orbiting Earth.
Fry: Let's go, already!
Leela: Fry, we have a crate to deliver.
Fry: Let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it.
Bender: Too much work. Let's burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer.
Leela: OK, if everyone's finished being stupid-
Fry: I had more but you go ahead.
Leela: We'll deliver that crate like professionals and then we'll go home.
Fry: But I've never been to the moon before.
Leela: Alright. We'll deliver that crate like professionals ... and then we'll go ride the bumper cars. Amy, why don't you help Fry hoist down the crate. Then lock up when you're done. Just be careful.
Amy: Aye, aye, Captain! I mean only one eye. I mean, yes, sir- Um, ma'am!
Amy: Clear?
Fry: Clear!
Amy: Ready to hoist?
Fry: Ready!
Amy: Ow!
Fry: My first space delivery.
Fry: Uh, greetings, Moon Man. We come in peace. I am Fry from the planet Earth.
Sal: Wise guy, huh? If I wasn't so lazy I'd punch you in the stomach.
Fry: But you are lazy, right?
Sal: Oh, don't get me started.
Craterface: Hi, I'm Craterface! Welcome to Luna Park. I'll have to confiscate your alcohol, sir.
Bender: Better mascots than you have tried.
Craterface: At least I still have my self respect!
Leela: Who buys this trash?
Bender: Idiots who need gifts for other idiots.
Fry: Hey, I got you guys refrigerator magnets.
Bender: Get it off! Get it off! Get it- Uh-oh! How many roads must a man walk down, before you- Keep those things off of me! Magnets screw up my inhibition unit!
Fry: So you flip out and start acting like some crazy folk singer?
Bender: Yes. I guess a robot would have to be crazy to wanna be a folk singer.
Whalerbots: We're whalers on the moon, We carry a harpoon, But there ain't no whales, So we tell our tall tale, And sing our whaling tune!
Whalerbot: Bender, hey, Bender! Over here!
Bender: Oh, jeez! I went to high school with that guy!
Announcer: Monsanto presents The Goophy Gopher Revue!
Gopher #1: Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Gopher #2: Because it's a little meteor!
Fry: This is weak!
Gopher #1: Address all complaints to the Monsanto corporation.
Leela: What's wrong, Fry?
Fry: I don't know. This place is great and all but its just so artificial. The gravity, the air, the gophers. You might as well stay on Earth. That's what I came to see! I wanna go out there and jump around like an astronaut. Screw this phoney stuff!
Leela: But the phoney stuff is what's fun. It's boring out there.
Bender: Yeah! You're the kind of guy who visits Jerusalem and doesn't want to see the Sexeteria!
Leela: Maybe I should take Fry on the Luna Rover ride. You get to wear a space suit and drive around on the surface. And the line's short because it's educational.
Fry: I don't care how educational it is. Let's do it!
Bender: Next year in Jerusalem!
Fry: Finally! Get ready for some serious moon action.
Narrator: The story of lunar exploration started with one man. A man with a dream.
Ralph Kramden-Bot: One of these days, Alice. Bang! Zoom! Straight to the moon!
Leela: Wow, I never realised the first astronauts were so fat!
Fry: That's not an astronaut, it's a TV comedian. And he was just using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife.
Amy: Wow! I could swear I was really playing virtual skeeball! Hm?
Bender: Look, it's that crate we were gonna throw in the sewer.
Amy: The keys to the ship! They must have fallen into the crate! Leela's gonna kill me!
Bender: Nah. She'll probably make me do it.
Amy: Mister? Could you please get those keys out for me?
Sal: What do I look like? A guy who's not lazy?
Narrator: No one knows where, when or how Man first landed on the moon.
Fry: I do.
Narrator: But our fun-gineers think it might have happened something like this
Whalerbots: We're whalers on the moon,
Gophers: We carry a harpoon,
Whalerbots: and But there ain't no whales so we tell a tall tale...
Leela: And sing a whaling tune. We're whalers on the moon-
Fry: That's not how it happened.
Leela: Oh, really? I don't see you with a fun-gineering degree!
Fry: This is stupid. I'm taking this thing out to the real moon.
Leela: Fry, no. This is my first mission and I'm not gonna let us get in any trouble. Besides, the car's on a track.
Fry: Not for long!
Whalerbot: Ooh! Ah! I died doin' what I loved.
Leela: OK, you're on the surface. Now I'll give you 10 minutes. Then you'll get bored, turn around and apologise for being such a jerk. Agreed?
Fry: Agreed. Yeah! Crank up the radio!
Whalerbots: We're whalers on the-
Fry: Yee-haw!
Leela: Time's up. Make a U-turn at the next crater.
Fry: No, not yet. How 'bout we go look for the original moon landing site?
Leela: That's crazy! It's been lost for centuries!
Fry: Well I'm feelin' lucky! Uh ... I'm ready to go back now.
Fry: We're gonna die! It's every man for himself! Help me, Leela! You did it! We're safe!
Leela: No. Now we're gonna die.
Fry: It's every man for himself.
Bender: Hey, look what I won from a tourist's pocket!
Amy: Shut up. You're distracting me.
Bender: Come on, it's just like making love. Y'know Left, down, rotate 62 degrees, engage rotor.
Amy: I know how to make love!
Bender: Here, let me do it. Ah, lousy arm. Must be rigged! That's her, officers! Uh, that's the woman who programmed me for evil!
Bender: Yeah, well, I'm gonna go build my own theme park, with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the park!
Fry: I'm sorry, Leela, I can't go on any further. Just leave me to die in that barn over there.
Leela: Thank God!
Hydroponic Farmer: Trespassers, eh?
Fry: No, sir. We're amusement park patrons.
Farmer: Ooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's OK, but the rest is mighty wicked.
Leela: Our car broke down and we're out of oxygen. Can we borrow some?
Farmer: Huh, borry? Looky here, city girl, oxygen don't grow on trees. You'll have to earn it doing chores on my hydroponic farm. You can go back to your precious theme park at sun up.
Fry: I guess we could do chores for a few hours.
Leela: Fry, night lasts two weeks on the moon.
Farmer: Yup. Drops down to -173!
Fry: Fahrenheit or Celsius?
Farmer: First one, then th'other. And them spacesuits ain't a-heated so you ain't goin' nowhere till sunrise. You can sleep in the barn. Just don't be a-touchin' my three beautiful robot daughters. Y'hear?
Fry: Robot daughters?
Farmer: This here is Lulabelle 7.
Lulabelle 7: Yoo-hoo!
Farmer: Daisy-Mae 128K.
Daisy-Mae 128K: Yoo-hoo!
Farmer: And the Crushinator.
Crushinator: Yoo-hoo.
Fry: Whoa!
Leela: I told you to turn around and go back to the park. But oh, no, the park was too phoney. We had to see the real moon.
Fry: And it was great! We got to see craters and rocks and that one incredible rock that looked like a crater and ... and these fellas.
Leela: Fry, face it The moon is a dump. It's a boring, dried-up wasteland and the only reason anybody ever comes here is for the tacky little amusement park. Can't you just accept that?
Fry: I guess I can't.
Farmer: I'll learn ye to sleep with my robot daughters!
Bender: He'll never find me in here.
Leela: Bender?
Fry: Oh, Bender. You didn't touch the Crushinator, did you?
Bender: Of course not. A lady that fine you gotta romance first.
Farmer: Oh, no you don't! C'mere, Crushinator.
Crushinator: Yes, Pa.
Fry: It's too low.
Leela: Hang on. Hang on. Jump! Hold on to your helmet!
Farmer: God darn it, Crushinator, jump!
Crushinator: No, Pa. I love him.
Fry: Hey, cool! Dark side of the moon!
Leela: Nightfall's coming. Hurry, before we freeze.
Bender: What do you mean "we", mammal?
Farnsworth: Oh, dear! I really ought to do something. But I am already in my pyjamas.
Leela: We can't outrun it forever.
Fry: Over there! Look! It's the moon landing site! We found it!
Leela: Quick, get in.
Fry: It's that flag from MTV! And Neil Armstrong's footprint! Hey! My foot's bigger! Leela, isn't this the greatest thing you've ever seen?
Leela: Fry, look around. It's just a crummy plastic flag and a dead man's tracks in the dust. Now get in here before you freeze.
Bender: Oh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine! I'll go build my own lunar lander, with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack. Ah, screw the whole thing.
Leela: Well if the oxygen holds out we might live long enough to starve to death.
Fry: Look, Leela, I'm sorry. I never should have dragged you out here.
Leela: That's right, you shouldn't have. I still don't get what the big attraction is.
Fry: I never told anybody this but a thousand years ago I used to look up at the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just didn't have the grades. Nor the physical endurance. Plus I threw up a lot and nobody liked spending a week with me.
Leela: A week would be a little much.
Fry: The moon was like this awesome, romantic, mysterious thing, hanging up there in the sky where you could never reach it, no matter how much you wanted to. But you're right. Once you're actually here it's just a big dull rock. I guess I just wanted you to see it through my eyes, the way I used to.
Leela: Fry, look.. It really is beautiful. I don't know why I never noticed before.
Farmer: Had to come back for the Crushinator, eh, robot? Well I got you this time.
Fry: It's Amy! We're saved!
Leela: Amy? Where'd she learn to operate the controls like that?
Bender: Not the magnet! No! No! No- Uh-oh!
Bender: She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes, She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes- She'll be comin' round the mountain, She'll be comin'-
Farmer: Aw, dang it!
Bender: She'll be riding six white horses when she comes, She'll be riding six white horses when she comes-
Leela: So, Fry, was the real moon anything like the moon you used to dream about?
Fry: Well ... close enough!
Bender: Well I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes, Yes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes, Yes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun, Oh, I'll shoot her with my ray gun, Yes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes, When she comes! I'll be blastin' all the humans in the world, I'll be blastin' all the humans in the world, I'll be blastin' all the humans, I'll be blastin' all the humans, I'll be blastin' all the humans in the world, In the world!


Lincoln: Four score and 1145 years ago our forefathers' foreheads conceived a new nation.
Washington: And this Presidents' Day we honoureth those values that my body fought and died for.
Malfunctioning Eddie: Values like this brand new Plymouth V'Ger! Hi, I'm Malfunctioning Eddie and I'm malfunctioning so badly I'm practically giving these cars away!
Amy: Hey, let's go car shopping! My parents promised if I got all B's they'd buy me a bar, and I got all C's!
Bender: Mind if I tag along? I gotta bring my ass in for servicing. The recall notice says it could burst into flames in a low-speed collision.
Fry: No wonder you've been staying at the back of conga lines lately.
Leela: I'll get my coat. Let's go, Bender.
Victor: Hello, I am Victor and I know many things about the art of unloading fine cars on beautiful women.
Leela: Uh-huh. Now tell us she's witty and sophisticated.
Victor: Ah-ah-ah! A gentleman always sells a lady a car first. This is the Beta Romeo. Yes, the Beta Romeo. Note the cross-your-heart seat belt which protects, lifts and separates.
Thundercougarfalconbird Salesman: Spotted her the minute you walked in, didn't you, sir? She's a real beauty.
Fry: Yup, she's beautiful coffee alright.
Salesman: No, the Ford Thundercougarfalconbird! Nothing makes you feel more like a man than a Thundercougarfalconbird. So how much were you thinking of spending on this Thundercougarfalconbird?
Fry: Sorry, I'm not here to buy.
Salesman: I understand, and it's wonderful you don't care whether anyone questions your sexual orientation.
Fry: I care! I care plenty! I just don't know how to make them stop!
Salesman: One word Thundercougarfalconbird!
Victor: The luxurious seats are stuffed with eagle down and the dashboard inlaid with the beaks of a thousand eagles. Also, there are some eagles under the floorboards.
Amy: That's an awful lot of eagle.
Victor: Yes, and yet-
Amy: What's wrong?
Victor: It is just ... the luxury edition has so much more eagle. It saddens me to think of you missing out.
Amy: Oh, don't be sad. My parents are paying and they're incredibly rich.
Mechanic: I installed shock-absorbing bumpers to reduce the risk of catastrophic butt failure.
Bender: You, sir, have defaced a national treasure! I demand you restore my buttocks to their former glory.
Mechanic: Alright. But sooner or later that ass is gonna blow, and when it does, I just pray you're not moonin' someone you care about.
Amy: Smeesh, Leela! This car has everything a beautiful woman like me needs. Victor said so.
Victor: No dog food for Victor tonight.
Leela: OK, the sticker says 55,000, but we'll only go as high as, say-
Amy: 60,000!
Victor: Oh, I will have to ask my manager.
Leela: Amy, you don't go up from the sticker price.
Amy: I thought it was an auction.
Victor: He is not too happy.
Amy: I'm sorry. 80,000?
Amy: Uh-oh. I'm terrible at parallel parking.
Hermes: And now you're asking for a day off? Get out of my and my sight! You're bogarting my patience.
Leela: Hermes, who were you yelling at?
Hermes: Myself. I asked myself a Valentine's Day off, but I was in no mood for any of my shenanigans.
Fry: Valentine's Day's coming? Oh, crap! I forgot to get a girlfriend again. Well, since neither of us has a date, why don't we...?
Leela: You just assume I can't get a Valentine's date?
Fry: Shall we say eight o'clock?
Amy: Hey, I'm taking my new car out for a spin to Mercury. Anybody wanna come?
Fry: Yeah, OK. What's the weather like?
Amy: The usual Boiling lead, oceans of lava.
Fry: So, what? Shorts?
Fry: Boy, this A.C. is incredible! I'd better turn on the heater too. Boy, this heater is incredible! I'd better turn up the A.C. some more.
Amy: Hey, how about some icy margaritas?
Fry: Yeah! We're slowing down!
Amy: Don't worry. I'll hit the fuel guzzler!
Fry: Who wants pop-tarts? Uh-oh!
Amy: It's OK, I have an emergency phone.
Fry: What are you doing?
Amy: Spluh! It's a video-phone. Lucky I'm a member of the Astro-Afro-Antarctico-Amer-Asian Auto Association. Hello? Septuple-A?
Fry: Phew!
Amy: It'll be a couple hours. Oh, I'm gonna get sweat on my sweat-suit.
Fry: Hey, tell me something You've got all this money, how come you always dress like you're doing your laundry?
Amy: I guess 'cause my parents keep telling me to be more ladylike. As though!
Fry: I've been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the Pope?
Amy: Yeah, and if you were the Pope they'd be all, "Straighten your Pope hat," and, "Put on your good vestments." You know, Fry, it's nice to find someone I can talk to about stuff, and junk.
Fry: Yeah, it's like we feel the same way about junk and stuff, or, whatever.
Amy: So while they're towin' us, you wanna do it?
Fry: Yeah.
Hermes: Which concludes the summary of the movie I saw last night. Now, any old business?
All: No.
Hermes: Any new business?
All: No.
Hermes: Anyone spend the night together?
Amy: Yep.
Fry: Kind of.
Bender: What?
Hermes: Oh, my God!
Amy: We ran out of fuel on Mercury and one thing led to another.
Fry: And it led there again when we got home.
Bender: Congratulations, Fry, you snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich, she's probably got other characteristics.
Leela: Bender! Romance isn't about money.
Bender: Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg here is desperately poor and miserably lonely? Puh-lease!
Leela: For your information, it's because he's hideous.
Hermes: Well I think Amy and Fry go together like a lime and coconut.
Farnsworth: Do I hear wedding bells?
Fry: What? No!
Farnsworth: Really? Oh, dear.
Zoidberg: You're both very lucky. I'd pay anything to end my miserable loneliness. If only I weren't so desperately poor.
Bender: Wait. You mean people will pay good money for romance? Hmm. I think I have a scheme so deviously clever that I-
Judge: $500 and time served.
Bender: Stupid anti-pimping laws! Well, pay the man!
Hookerbot: Bender, honey, we love you!
Bender: Shut up, baby, I know it!
Bender: Ah, computer dating. It's like pimping but you rarely have to use the phrase "upside your head".
Leela: Bender, this is stupid. Why would anyone come to you for romantic help?
Bender: Hey! Don't make me go upside your head!
Hermes: Fry! Amy! Put your pants back on! I need a stapler.
Zoidberg: Stop! Stop! If you interrupt the mating dance the male will become enraged and maul us with his fearsome gonad.
Fry: It's working, they think we're making out. Wait, why aren't we making out?
Amy: I 'unno.
Bender: OK, Mister...?
Zapp: Uh, Smith! Zapp Smith. Uh, Brannigan.
Bender: Just check off the things you're looking for in a love partner.
Zapp: Let's see ... Oh, yes! Yes, definitely. Oh, I'd like some of that. Mmm, I'll just have everything on the menu.
Bender: Now to run it through our high-speed romance-a-logical data-fier. Say hello to Miss Right!
Zapp: Hello!
Fry: Wow! We're great kissers!
Amy: Yeah! Hey, later, you wanna drive out to Europa? We could have a picnic and spit watermelon seeds at Jupiter.
Fry: Hey, yeah! I used to spit at stuff back in the 20th century. Ah, it's cool how we sort of think exactly alike, and junk.
Amy: Yeah. Y'know, Fry, I really like hanging out with you.
Fry: Everything was going great. Then, all of a sudden, she's talking about hanging out. Hanging out? She's getting way too serious. I'm not a one woman man, Leela.
Leela: You'll be back to zero soon enough.
Fry: Don't you get it? She's smothering me.
Amy: Hi.
Fry: You see? You see? Now she's bothering me when I'm at work.
Leela: Fry-
Fry: I'm doing my job, there's Amy; I spend a few hours selecting a candy from the machine, there's Amy; I wake up the morning after sleeping with Amy, there's Amy!
Leela: I think you're over reacting.
Fry: Am I? Am I? Face it, I'm a prize catch. I mean, I'm pulling down delivery boy money.
Leela: Fry, she's pulling down billionaire trust-fund money.
Fry: Then she wants me as a trophy husband. Leela, you gotta come to Europa with us. I can't be alone with her.
Amy: So, ready for a secluded picnic with just you and me?
Fry: Hey, you know who loves secluded picnics with just you and me? Uh, Dr. Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: Did someone say something about a free hot meal?
Zoidberg: Mmm, I haven't eaten since Tuesday! Bird eggs, animal slices ... ... dry woven reeds! All gone! Can I drive?
Amy: No. So, Fry, you busy tomorrow? I got two tickets to the big ape fight.
Fry: Jeez, we're already planning to spend Valentine's Day together. Isn't that enough?
Amy: OK, sure. What do you wanna do for Valentine's Day?
Fry: Oh, so all of a sudden we're spending Valentine's Day together?
Amy: But you just said-
Fry: That's it, Amy, we have to talk. Zoidberg, you drive.
Zoidberg: Wahoo!
Fry: Pardon me, excuse me.
Zoidberg: Ah, I'll just turn the wheel to maximum fastness!
Fry: Amy, you know how at first you like chocolate but then you start to get tired of it because it always wants to hang out with you?
Amy: Huh? You don't like chocolate?
Fry: Look, could chocolate just let me finish?
Zoidberg: Vroom, vroom! And the winner of the big car race is ... Hot Rod Zoidberg!
Fry: Amy, what I'm trying to say is, I think maybe you and I should stop-
Zoidberg: Uh-oh. Here, you drive!
Zoidberg: Fry? Are you alright?
Fry: Ow! My head is killing me. What happened? Was anybody hurt?
Zoidberg: No, no, no, no, no, of course not. Nobody but you. I'm afraid your body was badly damaged in the crash.
Fry: How badly?
Zoidberg: That's it over there. Don't worry, I managed to keep your head alive with some quick surgery.
Fry: Where is it?
Zoidberg: There.
Amy: Looks like we'll be spending a lot more time together, Fry!
Leela: This sort of thing always happens with office romances.
Zoidberg: Don't worry, Fry, we'll have your body all fixed up in a few days. Upsy daisy!
Fry: Well, Amy, I'll try not to interfere with your life too much.
Amy: Fry!
Fry: Ooh, sorry. I guess I control that arm.
Amy: So, what was it you wanted to talk about before we crashed anyway?
Fry: Oh, that. Maybe we'd better talk in private. I'll meet you in the closet.
Fry: Amy, I really like you, as a friend. But I think we're spending too much time together.
Amy: You're breaking up with me?
Fry: I just think we should start seeing other people.
Amy: But, I was really having fun. If that's how you feel.
Fry: I'm sorry, but it is.
Amy: Well, whatever. Hey, listen, as long as we're not seeing each other, you mind if I ask someone else out for Valentine's Day?
Fry: Huh?
Amy: I mean, unless it would make you feel bad, being a third wheel.
Fry: Hey, I can get a date too. Now that I'm single, I'll attract all sorts of women!
Amy: With my body I think you might only attract one sort of woman.
Fry: Oh! Oh!
Leela: So, how's business?
Bender: Are you familiar with my friend Al Gore? I'm tellin' you, losers get really desperate around Valentine's Day.
Leela: Yeah, it's pathetic alright! How much?
Bender: 500 bucks.
Leela: Done.
Bender: Zapp Brannigan OK?
Leela: No!
Bender: 600.
Fry: Oh, hey, Leela, uh, can I talk to you for a minute? In private?
Amy: Oh, no problem.
Fry: This is an emergency. Amy made Valentine's plans with some goon and I'm gonna be stuck there, lonely and miserable. Will you be my date, please?
Leela: You're too late, Fry. I'm sharing Valentine's Day with a very special man. He's not Zapp Brannigan or anything!
Fry: Then I have no choice but to do something so pitiful and embarrassing that I'm ashamed to tell you about it.
Leela: Bender's in his office.
Fry: Thanks.
Bender: I got your hook-up, Fry. Now, my usual fee's 500 bucks, but seeing as how it's you, I'll need it in advance.
Amy: OK, Fry, we're done putting on the bra.
Fry: Why exactly did you shave your legs anyway? Are you expecting something to happen with your Valentine's date?
Amy: What business is it of yours?
Fry: And another thing You're using an awful lot of make-up there.
Amy: This is deodorant.
Fry: What does it do?
Amy: C'mon in, Gary! I'll just be another 20 minutes.
Gary: I'll be waiting.
Fry: 20 minutes? You're practically ready now!
Amy: Yeah, but it's good to make them wait a little.
Fry: Oh, God, it's true!
Gary: That dress looks great on you.
Amy: Thanks.
Fry: Thanks. Where is she?
Gary: I must say, Amy, you're all made up, just like Fry's date. Get it?
Amy: Mm-mm.
Fry: I've got a date. She'll be along any minute.
Bender: Fry, look who I found! It's Petunia, your dream girl!
Petunia: How's them eats?
Fry: Uh-
Petunia: Don't mind if I do. Kids'll be hungry.
Fry: She seems a little old for me.
Bender: She is well-travelled. And I don't mean she travels a lot!
Petunia: Wheels fell off my house.
Bender: Now how about a rose for the lady? Five bucks a pop!
Gary: I'll take one.
Fry: Oh, yeah? Well I want one too.
Bender: Eight bucks.
Fry: But you just said-
Bender: Demand suddenly skyrocketed. You all saw it!
Bender: Leela, meet your future husband Sal.
Sal: Nice eyeball, eyeball.
Leela: Nice ass, ass.
Bender: Ooh, sparks! Buy her a rose, I guarantee she'll put out!
Sal: Eh, I'll take my chances.
Zapp: Cheers!
"Woman": Cheers!
Petunia: So tell me about your prospects. You a good gambler?
Fry: Well, ma'am, I-
Petunia: What's your game? Bingo? Keno? Wait a minute! You don't have your own body.
Fry: No, but I control this arm.
Petunia: Slots player, huh? Sorry, but I think I can do better.
Fry: Wait, come back, uh, darling.
Petunia: Can't, hon', I gotta catch my bus back to Nutley. I'd kiss you goodnight but I lost my teeth pulling out a stump.
Sal: So anyways, Leela, I'd love to take a whack at ya but that 10 15 to Nutley ain't goin' nowheres without yours truly behinds the wheel.
Petunia: Excuse me, did you say "10 15 to Nutley"?
Sal: Why, yes I dids.
Leela: Bender! Did you just round up our dates at the bus station?
Bender: Of course not.
Sal: Anybodys else for Nutley?
Zapp: Baby, wait! You didn't show me your surprise.
Gary: You know what I'd like to do...?
Fry: Oh, jeez, get a room!
Gary: Maybe later.
Fry: Hey, I have an idea Let's all go out for ice cream.
Gary: Actually, I thought Amy might like to come back to my place for coffee.
Amy: I don't really like coffee.
Gary: Neither do I.
Amy: Ooh, I feel a little tipsy!
Gary: Let me pick up the check.
Fry: Nooo! That's it I'm gettin' the hell outta here. Ooh! Ow!
Leela: Why, if it isn't my favourite head on Amy's body Fry.
Fry: Oh, Leela!
Amy: We were just on our way out.
Leela: Nonsense, the evening's young. So, Gary, what do you do for a living?
Gary: I'm a banking industry regulator.
Leela: Really? Y'know, I heard that banking industry regulations are really very simple.
Gary: Oh, no, that's not true. You see, modern banking regulations are a product of five different regulatory traditions. Six if you wanna get technical.
Leela: Oh, I do.
Gary: It all began in 1410 when a number of noblemen convened...
Fry: Thank you.
Zoidberg: There you are, good as new. Except for your dorsal fin. I'm afraid I couldn't find it after the crash.
Fry: Can I live without it?
Zoidberg: If you call that living.
Farnsworth: I still don't understand why you wouldn't let me graft a laser cannon onto your chest. To crush those who disobey you. But I guess we're just two different people.
Fry: So, uh, thanks for the ride, Amy. And I hope there are no hard feelings about your date, or stuff.
Amy: It's OK, I had fun. And if I ever feel lonely I can just look over at this disfiguring scar and think of you.
Fry: Well, anyway, it's nice to have my own body back.
Leela: So how's the old corpse? Everything hooked up OK?
Fry: Seems to be. My neck's just a little tender. Ow! Cool! Ow! Listen, Leela. Thanks for rescuing me last night.
Leela: Anytime. I actually enjoyed hanging out with you.
Bender: Yep, everything worked out great thanks to good old Bender.
Leela: Come on! It's not like you intentionally set us up with bad dates so we'd spend Valentine's Day together.
Bender: Didn't I, Leela? Didn't I?
Leela: No! You didn't! You just corralled a bunch of stiffs at the bus station and pocketed our money!
Bender: True. But in the end, isn't that what Valentine's Day is really all about?
Leela: Yeah.
Fry: I guess so. Watch the neck! Watch the neck!
Bender: My ass! My beautiful ass!


Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. I've taught the toaster to feel love. And Hermes returns from his vacation today.
Hermes: Good morning, people.
Fry: Hey, Hermes!
Zoidberg: Hello!
Leela: Good to see you.
Farnsworth: Yo!
Bender: My man!
Amy: So how was the Spleef Nebula?
Hermes: The flight had a stopover on the Brain Slug Planet. Hermes liked it so much he decided to stay of his own free will.
Fry: Hermes has all the fun. Wait a second! He's got a Brain Slug on his head!
Leela: Shh! You're gonna get us all assimilated!
Amy: Just act normal and switch to a garlic shampoo.
Hermes: On to new business. Today's mission is for all of you to go to the Brain Slug Planet.
Zoidberg: What are we going to do there?
Hermes: Just walk around not wearing a helmet.
Farnsworth: Sounds great, Hermes! Whatever you say. Let's ditch him and go to the movies!
Fry: Hey, yeah!
Zoidberg: I'm seeing a movie with friends!
Fry: Cool! Let's see this one!
Leela: Nah. I'm not in the mood for a historical documentary. I've heard good things about Quizblorg, Quizblorg.
Amy: Guk! I hate subtitles. Alien films are so pretentious.
Zoidberg: Fellows! Fellows! How about a film we can all enjoy? Planet Of The Clams. It's about an upside-down world where lobster is slave to clam.
Bender: Who invited you? Let's just see All My Circuits The Movie.
Fry: Yeah, I wanna see that.
Bender: Good point, Bender.
Fry: I'll take a small Slurm.
Refreshment-Bot: For only 25 cents less, you can get a super-small.
Fry: Uh, OK. Oh, man!
Bender: Hey, gimme a large diet malt liquor and a popcorn with extra motor oil.
Farnsworth: Down in front!
Announcer: Glagnar's Human Rinds presents This Week In The Universe.
Fry: Ooh, this is real futuristic!
Crow T. Robot: Shh! Don't talk during the movie.
Announcer: This week in the universe New New York mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer opens a new tube line to alleviate rush hour traffic. Dateline Paramecium Homeworld. Newly-crowned Miss Universe Gladice Lennox entertains troops fighting to wipe out the human race. Go get 'em, boys! And in the world of Ultimate Robot Fighting, the Masked Unit wins his championship bout against Gorgeous Gonks by technical melting.
Bender: Go, Masked Unit! Uh, hey, buddy! Yo! You mind taking your head off?
Robot: I'm sorry, sir, but I need it to watch the movie.
Bender: Just ask Flabby over here to describe it to you later.
Robot: Sir, she is as the factory made her.
Bender: Well they should have stopped making her about halfway through.
Fembot: Whee!
Calculon: Well, that finishes this paperwork. Calculon Enterprises.
Monique: Calculon, a fight scene has broken out at the special effects warehouse. Come quickly before a fiery explosion chases someone down a hallway.
Calculon: I have no choice but to-
Mr. Moviefone: If you want Calculon to race to the laser gun battle in his hover-Ferarri, press 1. If you want Calculon to double-check his paperwork, press 2. Enter now.
Mr. Moviefone: You have pressed 2.
Fry: No, I didn't!
Mr. Moviefone: I'm almost positive you did.
Calculon: Add in the carryover from form 16A, then deduct line 2B...
Robot: Pardon me, sir, but you seem to be inadvertently kicking my seat.
Bender: "Pardon me, sir, but you seem to be bleh, bleh..."
Robot: Yes, that's the gist of what I said. Would you mind?
Bender: Sure thing, pal.
Robot: Uh, sir?
Bender: Who threw that?
Robot: That's it! Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs!
Bender: Oh, I'm boned.
Hattie: Let's all go to the lobby!
Robot: I'm gonna open a file of whup-ass on you!
Leela: Bender, do you know who that was?
Man #1: Cripes! The Masked Unit! You knocked him out cold.
Man #2: I'm impressed.
Doubledeal: Son, I'm the commissioner of Ultimate Robot Fighting. I'm a connoisseur of jerks like you who pick fights in movie theatres and you're the biggest I've ever seen.
Bender: You should see me at funerals.
Doubledeal: Kid, I want you in the Ultimate Robot Fighting League.
Bender: Ultimate Robot Fighting? Sounds pleasant! I'll do it.
Flabby: My hero!
Farnsworth: Aw. They don't make movies like this anymore.
Bender: I'm gonna be the greatest Ultimate Robot Fighter ever. Float like a floatbot, sting like an automatic stinging machine!
Amy: Bender, you can't be an Ultimate Robot Fighter. It's the most brutal form of competition in the galaxy!
Bender: It is?
Farnsworth: There are no rules. Two robots enter, one robot leaves. Then later the other robot leaves after being declared the winner.
Bender: Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
Farnsworth: Oh, did I mention the crippling, agonising pain? I'm pretty sure I did. Oh, yes, definitely.
Bender: Crippling pain? That's not covered by my insurance fraud! Count me out.
Leela: No! You've got to do it. I don't care how suicidal it is.
Fry: Hey! How come when I wanna do fun stuff that'll kill me you're against it?
Leela: This is more important than that marble-eating contest, Fry! It's about pride. Let me tell you a story from my childhood.
Zoidberg: Oh, again with the orphanarium!
Leela: When I was growing up at the orphanarium, I got picked on a lot.
Leela: My only outlet was Arcturan Kung Fu.
Fnog: Excellent. Bill, Keith, you will go to Junior Championships. Bill, congratulate Keith when he regains consciousness.
Leela: But, Master Fnog, I can beat these dorks with one eye closed.
Fnog: Perhaps. But there is more to winning than beating your opponent. You lack the will of the warrior.
Leela: What do you mean? Watch this!
Bill: Ow!
Fnog: No girl has the will of a warrior. You have the will of a housewife or, at best, the schoolmarm.
Leela: That's it. I'll take you on right now.
Fnog: Very well. But, you see, I have the will of the warrior. Therefore, the battle is already over. The winner? Me! Rematch? You lose again! Had enough? I thought so!
Leela: I lost my chance to be a champion. I won't let you throw away yours.
Bender: Leela's right! I don't wanna end up a loser like her. Count me back in!
Leela: Let's see what you got. Touch your toes.
Bender: Still ... can't ... reach!
Bender: Let's commence preparations for rumbling!
Referee: Ladies and gentlemen and smizmars, welcome to tonight's main event. In this corner, from Mom's Friendly Robot Factory in America's heartland, Mexico Bender! And in this corner, from and made of Parts Unknown The Clearcutter!
Fry: Bender rules!
Hermes: I got you an official Bender hat.
Fry: Wow! Thanks, Hermes! I- Hey! Cut that out!
Bender: You can't hit what you can't see!
Leela: Get up, Bender. You can't quit every time you get an axe in the back. Or a drill through your face. Now quit scratching your axe-hole and get out there.
Bender: Huh?
Referee: And the winner is ... Bender!
Doubledeal: Nice work out there, kid.
Bender: Y'know, I think I he might be dead. I took a life!
Clearcutter: Hi, boss. Yo, dude!
Bender: Hey, he's not dead. What's up with that?
Doubledeal: What, you didn't read the pamphlet? Ultimate Robot Fighting's a scam, kid. It's rigged. It's a secret, so keep it under your head, but the most popular robot always wins.
Bender: You mean I'm not a great fighter? I just won 'cause I'm popular?
Doubledeal: Bingo!
Bender: Woo-hoo! I'm popular!
Doubledeal: In fact, you're more than popular, you're pure lowest common denominator.
Bender: Go Bender! Go Bender! Go Bender!
Referee: Presenting Bender the Offender!
Bender: I'm just an ex-con trying to go straight and get my kids back.
Referee: Versus ... Billionairebot!
Referee: Versus The Foreigner!
Foreigner: I'm not from here! I have my own customs! Look at my crazy passport!
Referee: Versus ... The Chain Smoker!
Chain Smoker: I love smoking. And after I win the fight I'm heading straight to your favourite restaurant.
Bender: You know, I'm also an Ultimate Robot Lover.
Leela: Bender! You're three hours late. You can't give up on your training now after both of us worked so hard.
Bender: What do you mean, "we"?
Leela: I said "us".
Bender: Hey, Bender the Offender doesn't need you. Bender the Offender doesn't need anybody!
Fembot #1: What about us, Mr. The Offender?
Bender: Well obviously I need floozies! Let's roll!
Bender: Howdy, chief. For my next bout, what do you say I fight these two bimbos in some mud?
Doubledeal: Actually, we've decided to go in a different direction.
Bender: What if I told your we wouldn't be fighting in the conventional sense?
Doubledeal: Bender, your popularity is slipping.
Foreigner: Sales of your Bender Brand French milk bath soaps are down 20%.
Bender: Those morons! I said pea berry, not sandalwood!
Doubledeal: Damnit, Bender! If you can't move sandalwood, you don't belong in this league! That's why you're gonna lose next week's title match.
Bender: But the crowd loves me.
Doubledeal: Perhaps. But let's see how they feel about your new persona The Gender Bender.
Billionairebot: You'll be the most unpopular robot fighter since Sergeant Faeces Processor.
Bender: Oh, yeah? Well what if I don't let the new guy win?
Doubledeal: Then he'll just have to beat you the old-fashioned way To death! Melissa, send in the new kid.
Destructor: I am Destructor!
Bender: See you at the fight.
Bender: So then I said, "See you at the fight." And that's the story.
Fry: Man, I thought Ultimate Robot Fighting was real, like pro wrestling. But it turns out it's fixed, like boxing.
Bender: It's one thing to win a fixed fight; there's dignity in that. But to lose? And in this atrocity? I can't do it! Leela, you gotta train me to win.
Leela: No way! If you wouldn't take my help when you didn't need it, why should I give it to you now when you do need it?
Farnsworth: What the hell are you talking about?
Leela: I don't know. But I'm not helping.
Announcer: You loved him as Bender the Offender! Now get ready to hate him as he threatens your sexuality in his new persona ... The Gender Bender!
Bender: I'm a real toughie!
Announcer: Squaring off this Sunday versus Destructor!
Destructor: I will destroy you! And stop calling me!
Fnog: I am Destructor's trainer, Master Fnog. My pupil will be victorious for he has the will of a warrior!
Leela: Not Fnog! Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm gonna teach you to fight like a girl!
Bender: I'll put on my tutu!
"Cosell": Hello and welcome to a remarkable championship bout. Destructor, a robotic armoured tank, whose very use at battle has been ruled a war crime, versus Gender Bender, who wears a pink tutu. This is Rich Little, imitating Howard Cosell, here at ringside with George Foreman. George, a word in edgewise?
Foreman: This could be the most one-sided fight since 1973 when Ali faced an 80-foot tall mechanical Joe Frazier. M-My memory's not what it used to be but I think the entire Earth was destroyed.
Little: Interesting, if true. The Vegas odds tonight stand at an unprecedented 1000-0; a bet of $0 on Bender pays $1000 if he wins. Still, very few takers.
Foreman: It's not-not a smart bet.
Leela: According to the script, you're supposed to prance out and tickle him with your fairy wand. Instead, I want you to prance out and kick his head off!
Bender: Got it. Large kickle, hold the tickle!
Hermes: Thank God I'm free of that nightmare!
Bender: Sorry, buddy. Here you go!
Hermes: Thank you. It was cold down there on the floor.
Amy: Here, Professor, I got you a programme.
Farnsworth: Oh, good. Just let me put on my reading glasses. Why, Zoidberg, there's a lovely photo of you in here.
Referee: In this corner, the confused young robot with the golden curls. Weighing 525lbs The Gender Bender!
Zapp: Boo!
Nixon: Get that hippie out of the ring!
Referee: And in these two corners, weighing 400 tons, the gizmo from Pismo ... Beach, Destructor!
Fnog: So, we meet again. Most amusing Girl who acts like fighter training fighter who acts like girl.
Leela: Keep laughing, Fnog! Ready, Bender?
Bender: I was born ready! Gimme the bell! Did you hear a noise? Final boarding call for flight 406, non-stop service to pain. Now boarding standby passengers-
Foreman: This seems like as good a time as any time to bring up my new grill for no reason. With its patented design, the fat drains directly into my mouth.
Bender: Fry! Throw in the towel! For God's sakes, Fry!
Hermes: That's exactly what I was thinking.
Bender: Mommy!
Leela: OK, Fnog, that's enough. Call him off. Fnog? Hmm.
Bender: Why won't anyone help me?
Leela: So, once more we meet again.
Fnog: Huh?
Leela: You didn't train Destructor. You're just controlling him like a puppet. I mean, cheating in a fake fight. That's low!
Fnog: Better than being a girl. Like you. You're a girl!
Leela: Oh, right. Girls lack the will of the warrior!
Bender: Huh? It's bendering time! Take this. And this!
Fnog: You were an excellent student. Too bad I was a lousy teacher!
Bender: I think you misunderstood the concept of "bendering time"!
Fnog: See you in girl hell. I'll be in boy hell - much nicer!
Leela: Yes!
Bender: Yes! Oh!
Referee: And the winner is Destructor!
Little: I've not seen a spectacle of this nature in all my years impersonating a sportscaster.
Foreman: It sure was some fight. Interesting side note As a head without a body, I envy the dead.
Little: No argument here.
Fry: Bender? How did the fight go? I heard somebody got flattened!
Amy: Fry, where's your Brain Slug?
Farnsworth: Poor little guy starved to death.
Leela: I'm proud of you, Bender. Sure, you lost. You lost bad. But the important thing is I beat up someone who hurt my feelings in high school.
Bender: I'm in tremendous pain here.
Doubledeal: Great job, kid. You lost and you made it look almost half real. I want you to have this card good for 10% off at Bed Bath & Beyond.
Bender: Yes! I'm the greatest! The greatest!
Little: And so ends the chronicle of one of the greatest ever to play the sport.
Foreman: And he didn't look half bad in the tutu.
Little: That he did surely not.
Foreman: What?


Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Several years ago I tried to log on to AOL, and it just went through. Whee! We're online!
Farnsworth: Go ahead, get into these net suits. I designed and tested them myself.
Leela: They smell like burning Rhesus Monkey.
Farnsworth: Really? I guess when you're around it all day you stop noticing. Off you go.
Fry: Hey!
Bender: Behold The Internet!
Fry: My God! It's full of ads!
Leela: Follow me!
Fry: It's immense.
Leela: It's got every piece of information anyone could ever want.
Fry: So I see!
Zoidberg: What? What's going on here?
Amy: Hey, that's me!
Bender: No, it isn't. I just took some pictures of your face and stuck them on someone else's body.
Leela: Hey!
Doorman: Are you over 18?
Young Boy: Yes.
Younger Boy: Yes.
Bender: I'm telling you, Fry, they've got a chatroom for everybody. And here it is.
Amy: Ew, that is so gross!
Leela: Yeah. I'll stick with this one, thank you.
Amy: Yeah.
Bender: Hi, I'm a naughty nurse and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute.
Man: Ooh, you're a dollar naughtier than most.
Bender: So how 'bout them Knicks?
Nerd #1: Hello? Are there any girls in this room at all?
Nerd #2: Yeah, bring on the hot chicks 'cause I'm a hot stud.
Nerd #3: Yeah! So are we!
Leela: I'm a woman, if that's what you mean. I don't like to play games, so I'll just say I'm a cyclops, I'm a spaceship captain, I'm the only one of my species and I'm interested in meeting a man.
Nerd #4: A woman! I'm scared.
Fry: Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence?
Bender: Is the Space Pope reptilian?
Hermes: Get ready for fun, Fry. Nowadays, we have a type of game played entirely on video.
Leela: We call it a "video game".
Fry: Uh, "video game" you say? Well, golly gee, you mighty spacemen of the future will have to show me how it works.
Zoidberg: The doctor is in! The doctor is out!
Holo-Farnsworth: Everyone, please sign off. We have a delivery. Plus I have to use the phone- Leela, please tell the others that-
Leela: Who are you?
Cyclops: I saw you in the chat room but you left before I had a chance to talk to you. After all these years of searching for another Cyclops.
Leela: I can't believe it. I've dreamed of this moment all my life.
Cyclops: Do you think perhaps you and I-
Leela: Fry, you idiot. Ever since I was abandoned on Earth I've been searching for who my people are and where they come from. Then I finally meet another Cyclops and you blast him. You wrecked my one chance to learn who I am!
Fry: Oh, Leela, I feel terrible. If there's anything I can ever do- Gotcha! I won! I'm the greatest!
Leela: Come on. We have work to do.
Fry: Are you still mad at me for wrecking your once-in-a-lifetime chance to learn the meaning of your existence?
Leela: No, I'm just happy you were able to win a video game. Now let's concentrate on getting this desperately-needed popcorn to the people of Cineplex 14, OK?
Operator: Leela, you've got mail! It's not spam.
Leela: Huh? It's him!
Cyclops: To Leela. Subject Hello. I am Alcazar. Fortunately I wrote down your screenname before I was dispatched by that oafish moron.
Fry: Kicked your ass!
Alcazar: Leela, we have much to discuss. Please come join me on the planet of your birth. Co-ordinates follow.
Fry: Well, too bad we gotta make that urgent popcorn delivery.
Leela: It'll get there.
Leela: After a whole life of searching, I may finally have found where I belong.
Bender: Too bad it's a dump.
Leela: Look at that statue. It's only got one eye.
Fry: Lazy sculptor!
Alcazar: Welcome home, Leela.
Leela: Alcazar? Are you real? Or am I seeing single?
Alcazar: Ow! Of course I'm real.
Leela: After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy carpenter or, uh, a kid with a BB gun.
Alcazar: It's alright, Leela. You'll never be alone again. Come, let me introduce you to yourself. Do you mind if your servants walk?
Leela: Not at all!
Alcazar: We are the last remaining Cyclopses. Our planet is Cyclopia. This is the capital, Cyclops City. Stop me if I'm going too fast for you.
Leela: There's so much information and yet somehow I feel as if I know it all already.
Alcazar: This sacred mosaic depicts our goddess of beauty.
Fry: Hmm, you got any sacred artwork of her from the back?
Alcazar: Her perfect eye reminds me of yours, Leela. Had our race survived, you would have been a temple priestess or a supermodel.
Leela: Oh, please! Really?
Alcazar: And there's the infamous pirate, Purple Beard, scourge of the six seas.
Fry: What's over that hill?
Alcazar: The Forbidden Valley. A holy sanctuary where no one may tread.
Fry: Is that anything like a cemetery 'cause I gotta take a leak. Ow!
Leela: Fry, that's offensive to our people. Isn't it?
Fry: Ow!
Alcazar: This is my home. I hope you don't think less of me because I live in a giant castle.
Leela: Oh, no, not at all. If anything, I'm more impressed.
Bender: Ooh! I'm gonna need to make some room.
Alcazar: In here is where I dream my lonely dreams and cook my simple meals.
Leela: It's all so sad. What happened to our people?
Alcazar: It's too painful to speak of now. Come, I'll show you your quarters.
Bender: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Leela: I heard you from my room. What's wrong?
Alcazar: Nothing. It's just- No, Leela. I don't want to see tears in your perfect eye.
Leela: Please, is it about the fate of our people? Because I'm very interested in that.
Alcazar: Well, OK. But it's chilly and you're going to be all wet from the tears. Let's go into my chamber.
Alcazar: It wasn't long ago. Our people were happy and prosperous ... ... but the eyeless mole people of Subterra 3 grew jealous of our visual prowess. They fired missile in all directions hoping to hit Cyclopia. Unfortunately, one of the 40 planets hit, was ours.
Cyclopian Man #1: How far away do you think it is?
Cyclopian Man #2: A trillion miles?
Alcazar: Things got hot. You look a little hot, actually. You can take off that jacket. Our people don't like to be hot. Anyway, just before the impact...
Alcazar: Our smartest scientists managed to save one baby.
Leela: Alcazar, I used to be a baby, it might have been me!
Alcazar: Fortunately, I was employed as a pool cleaner at the time and, when I emerged from retrieving a dead possum, I found I was the only one left.
Leela: It's so tragic.
Alcazar: Yes, but the real tragedy is that our race ends with us.
Leela: It doesn't have to.
Alcazar: What do you mean?
Leela: You're a male and I'm a female.
Alcazar: I'm still not following you.
Leela: Wake up, my king.
Alcazar: Oh, jeez, what a night. Make me some coffee, would you.
Leela: Uh, sure, OK. What do you take with that?
Alcazar: Pancakes and sausage. Kitchen's in the basement, pans are in the attic.
Leela: Maybe after breakfast we can talk about rebuilding our civilisation.
Fry: Mmm! Great pancakes, Leela.
Alcazar: Yeah, they'll come in handy if I need to cover any tiny manholes. Listen, hon', we don't want to look like slobs in front of the other species, do we?
Leela: No.
Alcazar: So get to work on these dishes. And then organise my collection of naked celebrity photos by name and what you can see.
Leela: Look, Alcazar-
Alcazar: Call me Al.
Leela: Look, Al. I know you've been living alone a long time and I can sympathise, but I'm not your maid.
Alcazar: You're right, I'm sorry. I guess the relationship isn't going to work. So much for the Cyclops race. I thought it was a pretty good race but, uh-
Leela: OK, OK, I'll do the dishes. Hey, where'd they go?
Bender: Ah, Leela's experiencing the greatest joy a woman can feel Worshipping some low-life jerk.
Fry: He may be some low-life jerk but I don't trust him. I think he's hiding something and I'm gonna find out what it is.
Fry: Try and stop me!
Leela: Al? I did my hair the way you wanted it. Who are these people?
Alcazar: Friends.
Leela: Hey, where'd you get this couch and that TV set and all this stuff?
Alcazar: They were giving it away on the street corner. Just like you, Leela!
Leela: Too bad they weren't giving away the three things you actually need Mouthwash, a back wax and stain-proof underwear.
Rat Woman: You go, girl!
Alcazar: By the way, your pal Fry fell into the dungeon. Take him a taco so he doesn't die and stink up the place.
Leela: Come on, Al, can't you let the little guy out?
Alcazar: Jeez, Leela, twice in one day? I'm not Superman!
Leela: Why were you sneaking into my people's forbidden valley?
Fry: 'Cause I think Alcazar's hiding something from you. Listen, Leela, you may not like it, you may not believe it, you may not wanna hear it but Alcazar's a jerk. He's bad for you. He-
Leela: I know.
Fry: You do?
Leela: Fry, if it's obvious to you with your learning disability then of course it's obvious to me. He's crude and gross and he treats me like a slave.
Fry: Then dump his one-eyed ass.
Leela: I can't. If I leave Alcazar, that's the end of the Cyclops race. And I won't let that happen. Even if it means a lifetime of unhappiness.
Alcazar: Leela! Mop up in aisle number two!
Leela: I'll break up with him at dinner.
Fry: I'll be there.
Alcazar: Yo, Leela, what gives? Pig says your slop tastes like crap.
Pig: Yeah. Like crap.
Fry: C'mon, Leela, you deserve better than this guy. Dump him already!
Leela: I'm trying.
Alcazar: Hey, everyone, jam a sock in your spit faucets. Not long ago I spent my lonely nights renting slasher flicks with Rat Man and his girlfriend. But then a beautiful woman arrived and- Stop eating, Pig! And she brought new hope for me and our once great civilisation. Now a million centuries of Cyclops destiny depend on the answer to one question. Leela, will you marry me?
Fry: No! No!
Leela: Yes! I will!
Rat Woman: They're getting married!
Amy: Congratulations, Leela!
Zoidberg: Hello.
Hermes: Oh, this is great!
Leela: Glad you could make it.
Bender: It's a magical day.
Fry: Welcome!
Fry: Psst, Leela. You've gotta get me out of here. It's horrible! Eating scraps, letting my waste drop wherever it falls like an animal in the zoo.
Leela: Animals go in the corner.
Fry: The corner! Why didn't I think of that?
Leela: Look, Fry, I'd like to help you but it's my wedding and I'm kind of busy. Here. Try to be happy for me. That way at least one of us will be.
Fry: That's it! It's time for this bird to walk.
Fry: Bender, come on. We've gotta get some dirt on Alcazar. Let's go and find out what makes the Forbidden Valley so forbidden.
Bender: Uh, no, thanks. I'm good.
Fry: But there's probably some cool forbidden stuff you can steal.
Bender: I don't know, Fry. For the first time in my life I feel like I've stolen enough.
Fry: Bender, snap out of it!
Bender: Sorry, I don't know what came over me. Let's go. I love stealing, I love taking things!
Zoidberg: That pig over there is wearing the same sandals as me.
Fry: Come on, boy, jump! Good boy!
Bender: Whoa, Mittens!
Fry: My God! Four identical castles!
Bender: Each more identical than the last!
Fry: That's weird. It's another Cyclops, only this one has five eyes.
Bender: And here's another one with no eyes.
Preacherbot: Does anyone have a reason why this couple shall not be joined in the irrevocable shackles of holy bliss?
Farnsworth: Saving a race of one-eyed monsters? Who could object to that?
Alcazar: Cut to the chase, Preach!
Preacherbot: Do you, Alcazar ... ... take this woman before you ... to love ... in sickness ... do you part?
Alcazar: Yeah, sure I do. Come on, faster!
Preacherbot: Do you, Leela, copy and paste his response till death do you part?
Leela: I ... d-
Amy: Oh, my God!
Alcazar: What the-?
Fry: Hey, Alcazar, you left somebody off the guest list.
Five-Eyed Woman: Alcazar, why you are so late for our wedding? And why you have only one eye?
Alcazar: It ... ooh, uh! Hey, sweetie. Just go back to the castle and wait for me. She- She's nuts. I can morph into a five-eyed alien and I kinda said I'd marry her. But I'm really a Cyclops and I'm really going to marry you.
Fry: Oh, yeah? Then what about this?
Alcazar: This is a bit awkward.
Five-Eyed Woman: Who's she?
Leela: Who's she?
Sandy: Who are they?
Alcazar: Go back to the castle, Sandy.
Fry: And maybe you'd like to meet her. And her.
Alcazar: Leela, this must all be very confusing.
Leela: A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it.
Sandy: Show us your real form!
Leela: Yeah!
Alien #2: Do it!
Alcazar: Well, this is the real me. But I can explain We all have needs. Mine was to make it with five weirdos and have them scrub my five castles. I gave you all what you wanted and of course I made a few bucks letting Pig watch through the two-way mirror. Can any of you say you wouldn't have done the exact same thing in my position?
Bender: He's a saint!
Leela: But why did you have all five weddings on the same day?
Alcazar: Hey, lady, you got any idea what it costs to rent a tux that changes shape?
Leela: Alright, Alcazar, I just have one last question for you.
Alcazar: What's that?
Leela: If you can change form, why didn't you change it in the one place that counts?
Leela: Thanks for saving me from that creep, Fry.
Fry: Hey, that's what I do.
Leela: I guess I was so desperate to find out who I really was, I forgot who I really was.
Farnsworth: No harm done. In the many decades you'll work to repay me for that shipment of popcorn you destroyed, you'll have plenty of time to search for your true home.
Leela: Yeah. I mean, how many planets can there be?


Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! The university is bringing me up on disciplinary charges. Wait, that's not good news at all.
Leela: Whatever you did, Professor, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.
Farnsworth: Yes, but they won't listen. Everyone's always in favour of saving Hitler's brain but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooh, suddenly you've gone too far.
Vernon: Professor Farnsworth, do you know why we've called you here today?
Farnsworth: Listen to me, you pompous frauds. If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me. Dean Vernon, I know the truth It was you driving your hover-car that night, not your horse. Dean Epsilon, I know all about your "Department of Pool Boy Studies". And Dr. Wernstrom ... Wernstrom!
Vernon: Actually, Professor, we merely called you here to say... Surprise!
Man #1: Surprise!
Man #2: Happy birthday!
Hermes: Surprise!
Farnsworth: And you, Coach Smalley, or should I say "Coach hairpiece"?
Leela: No, Professor! It's a surprise party for your 150th birthday.
Farnsworth: Hundred and ... what? Ooh!
Bender: Good evening, I'm- Whoa, sorry. I'm Bender and I'll be emceeing this roast. Y'know, they say you can judge a man by the company he keeps. So here's the Professor's oldest friend, a grotesque, stinking lobster.
Zoidberg: Good evening, ladies and germs. That wasn't a joke, I was talking to Dean Streptococcus. Now, I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon. Hey, Ringo, that was the joke. Oh, it's Showtime at the Apollo all over again.
Bender: Where would the Professor be without students who love and respect him? Right there! But seriously, of all the former crew members of the Professor's delivery ship, our next speaker is by far the most alive. Captain Musky?
Zoidberg: I wouldn't wanna follow that guy!
Bender: And now, a man who needs no introduction. Fry, get up there!
Fry: Oh. Thank you. Y'know, when I was first asked to make a film about my nephew, Professor Farnsworth, I thought "Why should I?" Then later Leela made the film. But if I had made the film, you could bet there would have been a lot more topless women on motorcycles! Roll film!
Leela: Hubert J. Farnsworth was born April 9th 2851 in New New York's nerdiest slum, Hell's Laboratory. A precocious child, young Hubert learned to read while he was still in diapers - at age 8. And before long he blossomed into a greasy teenager.
Fry: Dork alert!
Leela: After 14 years of graduate school, Farnsworth settled into the glamorous life of a scientist Fast cars, trendy nightspots, beautiful women - the Professor designed them all working out of his tiny, one-room apartment. For 50 years he worked at Mom's Friendly Robot Company, where he created the first robot capable of qualifying for a boat loan. And even as he nears his 150th birthday, the Professor retains the fiery passion of youth.
Farnsworth: Listen, you pompous frauds. If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me.
Bender: How 'bout a few words, Professor?
Farnsworth: Eh, wha?
Bender: I said "words".
Farnsworth: Uh, what a pleasure it is to see my lifetime of accomplishment summed up in a 3-minute film. My best years are behind me. So much left undone. So little time.
Bender: Funny, funny stuff.
Farnsworth: My life is over.
Leela: No, it isn't. You have another 10 years left.
Fry: Leela! He could live another 100 years!
Leela: No, he couldn't. When you turn 160, robots from the Sunset Squad take you to a mysterious planet and you never return.
Fry: Wow, a whole planet of old people. Where is it?
Bender: Nobody knows!
Farnsworth: So many loves half-loved, so many inventions half-invented. That damn time machine alone set me back 15 years.
Zoidberg: If only it'd worked, you could go back and not waste your time on it.
Farnsworth: There's no one to carry on after I'm gone. No one to take care of my work and my research and my fabulous fortune. By God, that's it! I've got to name a successor.
Fry: A successor?
Zoidberg: A successor to the Professor?
Farnsworth: There's no time to lose. I'm off to my lab to build a successor-naming machine!
Fry: Man, the Professor's been in his lab for days.
Bender: I hope he didn't die. Unless he left a note naming me his successor. Then I hope he did die.
Zoidberg: You? The successor? Over my empty shell! The Professor will pick me. Only I have his lobster-like tenacity.
Hermes: Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams things. The only sensible way to choose a successor is with a limbo contest.
Leela: What?
Hermes: Kingston rules. Two men go down, one come up.
Leela: Look, the Professor trusts me with a giant spaceship. He wouldn't trust the rest of you with his dentures.
Amy: Yesh, he would.
Fry: Sorry, everyone, but need I remind you? Blood is thicker than water.
Zoidberg: Blood ... thicker ... water.
Farnsworth: Everyone, I have a very dramatic announcement. So anyone with a weak heart should leave now. Goodbye.
Leela: Uh, Professor?
Farnsworth: Oh, oh, yes, the announcement! As you all know, I am not long for this world.
Leela: Yes, we know.
Hermes: True, mon.
Amy: Buh!
Fry: One foot in the grave.
Farnsworth: So I've picked my successor. It's someone in whom I have great faith - even though his mind is undeveloped and he's accomplished nothing. My closest living relative.
Fry: Oh, yeah!
Farnsworth: My clone, Cubert Farnsworth.
Zoidberg: He's horrible!
Fry: Crud. Can I at least be in charge of your dentures?
Amy: You wish!
Fry: Where did Cubert come from?
Farnsworth: 12 years ago I began the cloning process by removing some skin cells from one of the shapelier growths on my back.
Leela: Wait. If he's your clone, why doesn't his nose look like yours?
Farnsworth: I left him in his first tube too long and he got squished up against the side.
Bender: Is he dumb or just ugly?
Farnsworth: Let's find out.
Cubert: What? You've never seen a genius's wiener before?
Zoidberg: No.
Leela: Never.
Fry: Well, once in the park.
Zoidberg: Mmm!
Cubert: As long as I'm going to be in charge here, let me examine my so-called "crew", if it can so be called. First of all, Dr. Zoidberg, do you even have a medical degree?
Zoidberg: I lost it ... in a volcano.
Cubert: And why do we need a bending robot around here anyway? What possible use do we have for you?
Bender: Uh ... me no speaka the English.
Cubert: And why does our space pilot have only one eye? There's someone I'd like you to meet. His name is depth perception!
Leela: Why, you little-
Cubert: Wow, that hurt - the air!
Bender: Im pending para un bending!
Farnsworth: Oh, Cubert, come in here. I have something amazing to show you.
Cubert: What is it? A competent employee? I doubt that very much!
Fry: Little twerp.
Bender: Aye, Chihuahua!
Farnsworth: As my successor, I'm trusting you to carry on my work. These are just some of the half-finished inventions you'll spend your life finishing.
Cubert: I didn't realise you were the inventor of the junk heap.
Farnsworth: That's my prize-winning Smellescope. If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won't be out of the loop. And this is my universal translator. Unfortunately so far it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language.
Cubert: Hello.
Universal Translator: Bonjour!
Farnsworth: Crazy gibberish!
Cubert: Don't you have any worthwhile inventions?
Farnsworth: Why, certainly. Step over here.
Farnsworth: These are the dark matter engines I invented. They allow my starship to travel between galaxies in mere hours.
Cubert: That's impossible. You can't go faster than the speed of light.
Farnsworth: Of course not. That's why scientists increased the speed of light in 2208.
Cubert: Also impossible.
Farnsworth: And what makes my engines truly remarkable is the afterburner which delivers 200% fuel efficiency.
Cubert: That's especially impossible.
Farnsworth: Not at all. It's very simple.
Cubert: Then explain it.
Farnsworth: Now that's impossible. It came to me in a dream and I forgot it in another dream.
Cubert: Your explanations are pure weapons-grade bolog-nium. It's all impossible.
Farnsworth: Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being is a scientist is all about.
Cubert: No, that's what being a magical elf is all about.
Bender: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's Elzar, the TV chef! Oh, kill me now, people!
Elzar: How we doing here?
Bender: Oh, Elzar, everything's so good!
Elzar: What are you, an ass-kissing machine?
Bender: Yes, sir! Good one, sir!
Farnsworth: Oh, it's a gem of an evening. I feel so wonderful having someone to take over my life's work. And it's all thanks to Cubert.
Cubert: Look, Professor, I may be identical to you in every possible way but that doesn't mean I'm anything like you.
Farnsworth: You ... wha?
Cubert: I don't wanna be an inventor. I wanna be something useful like a teacher's aide or a prison guard or a science-fiction cartoon writer.
Farnsworth: But-But what about my hopes and my dreams and my wonderful inventions?
Cubert: In your entire life your only half-decent invention was me and I didn't turn out like you wanted either.
Elzar: You folks still doing alright?
Bender: Oh, yes, Elzar.
Elzar: Good, 'cause it turns out I forgot to cook that chicken.
Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone. By the time you watch this tape, I'll be gone, leaving behind me nothing but a history of failure and my original hip-bones. You see, I've been lying about my age; I'm not actually 150, I'm 160. Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth. And now that I have nothing to live for, I've alerted the Sunset Squad robots to take me away.
Farnsworth: Goodbye, cruel world. Goodbye, cruel lamp. Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin ... ... and the cute little pom-pom curtain pull cords, cruel though they may be a-
Farnsworth: And now that I've nothing to live for, I've alerted the Sunset Squad robots to take me away.
Amy: What?
Hermes: Oh, no!
Zoidberg: Oh.
Farnsworth: I know you're all very upset, especially Bender.
Bender: Well, life goes on. Except for you!
Farnsworth: I'm sure that Bender has just made a cutting remark, but he doesn't know I taped over his soap operas to record this message.
Bender: You bastard!
Fry: We've gotta get him back.
Cubert: Impossible! No one knows where they take those old geezers.
Fry: Nothing is impossible. You'd know that if you really took after the Professor, like I do.
Cubert: You're his uncle, dummy. He takes after you.
Fry: Uh ... what?
Cubert: Wait a second. That means I also take after you!
Leela: Quiet. I think I know how to find the Professor.
Bender: Lay it on us, big boots.
Leela: If the Smellescope can pick up the Professor's odour, we may have a chance to save him.
Cubert: I think not. As you probably already don't know, odours are made up of particles that can't travel through the vacuum of space.
Leela: I'm zeroing in on him. BENGAY ... mothballs ... ... letters to the editor. It's the Professor!
Bender: To the flying machine!
Fry: To the left! No, to the up! U-turn! U-turn!
Cubert: We'll never find this place. Robots are very good at keeping secrets.
Bender: No, we're not, you little bed-wetter. Oops! I'm sorry.
Leela: There it is! The Near-Death Star!
Leela: OK, we'll tell them the Professor escaped and we're bringing him back. Fry, you'll have to dress up like a 160-year-old man.
Fry: I'm on it!
Cubert: My God, the illusion is so perfect I almost forgot I was looking at an idiot!
Leela: Now, they may ask for a DNA sample.
Fry: I'd like to see them find it!
Cubert: This plan is impossible. We don't even have a sample of the Professor's DNA.
Bender: I think I know where to get some.
Cubert: Why do I have to be the hump?
Fry: 'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart.
Leela: Your Medicare dollars at work.
Barrierbot #1: Halt! Identify this guest.
Leela: Uh, this is Professor Hubert Farnsworth. He escaped.
Barrierbot #1: Escaped? No one escapes.
Barrierbot #2: This guest does not look 160.
Fry: What? I'm old. Listen Hey, you kids, get off the lawn!
Barrierbot #1: Hmm, it is true old people are often concerned that there are children on their lawns.
Barrierbot #2: There's no denying that. But we'll still need to verify his identity with a DNA sample.
Bender: Got a hot, steaming batch right here!
Barrierbot #2: We only needed one cell!
Bender: Eh, keep the change, buddy.
Cubert: Stupid robot.
Barrierbot #1: Did your hump just say something?
Fry: Uh ... I-I've got talking hump syndrome.
Barrierbot #1: Ah, T.H.S.
Barrierbot #2: Identity confirmed. Return this shambling shuffle-boarder to his room.
Barrierbot #1: 7152 Maple Drive.
Leela: Sounds nice.
Barrierbot #1: Prepare to be surprised.
Fry: So this is where they stick old people. It's horrific!
Leela: At least it keeps them from driving.
Leela: Brace yourself for the worst.
Bender: And yet he looks so natural.
Cubert: What's happening?
Leela: He's hooked up to a life-support system. We have to disconnect him very, very carefully, or the shock could kill him.
Guardbot #1: Freeze! Seize them!
Guardbot #2: Seize them!
Guardbot #3: Seize them!
Guardbot #4: Seize them!
Guardbot #1: Get them- I mean seize them!
Guardbot #2: Aww, I'm so bad at this!
Guardbot #3: Uh-oh!
Leela: We're probably gonna make it, but we might not.
Cubert: It's impossible! We'll never fit.
Fry: Will too!
Cubert: Told you.
Fry: Come on, Leela! Step your big boot down on the gas pedal.
Leela: They've blown out one of our engines!
Fry: Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!
Leela: Only the Professor knows how to fix it. We have to wake him up.
Fry: Try shocking him.
Bender: Your social security cheque is late! Stuff costs more than it used to! Young people use curse words!
Fry: Damnit, we'll have to fix the engine ourself.
Leela: We can't, you bastard! No one knows how it works. It's impossible!
Cubert: Nothing is impossible. I understand how the engines work now. It came to me in a dream. The engines don't move the ship at all. The ship stays where it is and the engines move the universe around it.
Bender: That's a complete load.
Cubert: Nothing's a complete load. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about. Right, Professor? Let's ride!
Cubert: Good news, everyone! He's made a complete recovery.
Amy: Yeah!
Hermes: Wow!
Leela: All right!
Farnsworth: I'm as spry as a 140-year-old. See? I only broke one ankle.
Fry: So what were they doing to you in that awful drawer?
Farnsworth: Oh, they had me hooked up to a bizarre virtual world that seemed absolutely real.
Amy: What was it like?
Farnsworth: It was as though I were living in a facility in Florida with hundreds of other old people. All day long we'd play bingo, eat oatmeal and wait for our children to call.
Leela: It's a hundred times more horrible than anything I could imagine.
Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Thank you all for saving me. Especially you, my little clone. No matter what you decide to do with your life, I'm still proud of you.
Cubert: I've already decided. Dad, when I grow up I wanna be just like you.
Farnsworth: Don't worry, son, you will. Incidentally, you might want to read up on a condition known as "wandering bladder".
Cubert: Why?
Farnsworth: No reason. No reason at all.


Hermes: Finally, the last form of the day. Welcome to Stampy Town. Population, five! And now for the finishing touch. Ah, the cycle of bureaucracy. Sweet gorilla of Manila! A letter from the Central Bureaucracy! Attention, Hermes Conrad You are about to receive a letter from the Central Bureaucracy. My God! It's from the Central Bureaucracy!
Leela: I'm having a poker game tonight with some friends from my old cryogenics job. You guys interested?
Bender: I don't know. I only gamble with chumps.
Fry: I'll play.
Bender: I'm in!
Zoidberg: Leela, Fry, robot. No matter what it is you're doing tonight, I'm available.
Leela: We're playing poker. But I'm warning you, my friends are serious players.
Zoidberg: Bah, big shots. I say let the dice do the talking.
Fry: Wow! You look happy. Is someone fired?
Hermes: Better! The Central Bureaucracy is conducting an inspection tomorrow. I will finally be promoted to grade 35, the 35th highest grade there is.
Leela: Hermes, wait! We're having a poker party. Stay and whip off a batch of your famous jerk dip.
Hermes: Sorry, I spent all day putting my office in order. Now I got to go home and relax the traditional Jamaican way A glass of warm milk and good night sleep.
Fry: Jamaican? I thought you were some kinda outer-space potato man.
Leela: Ah, that must be my old boss.
Ipgee: Hello, Leela. You're fired.
Leela: I know.
Ipgee: I'm sorry but it's just that you're over a year late for work at this point.
Terry: Let the games begin!
Ipgee: So I told Leela, "Your request for a date is most flattering but I must decline." These office romances never work out. After all, that is how I met my horrible wife.
Leela: But you never wore your ring. I didn't know you had a wife.
Ipgee: And my wife doesn't know I have a job. I keep my personal and professional lives separate.
Bender: Come on, let's deal. You'll have plenty of time to talk when you're poor.
Fry: What's with the specs, Bender?
Bender: They're my lucky shades. I stole them off some lucky guy while his lucky seeing eye dog was taking a whiz.
Fry: Hey!
Zoidberg: I can't spell anything with these cards.
Zoidberg: Finally, I have a good claw. See? Three human females, a number and a king giving himself brain surgery.
Fry: It doesn't matter how many human females you have, Bender's on a hot streak.
Bender: Uh, what can I say? Must be my lucky shades! Nothing, nothing, crap, crap, garbage. Read 'em and leak salt water!
Fry: Oh, man!
Terry: That's my baby's milk money!
Ipgee: Oh, I am broke. What will I tell my horrible wife?
Bender: If I were you I'd be more worried about that tapeworm going to town on your intestines.
Ipgee: Let me see those glasses.
Bender: Um ... uh...
Ipgee: Oh, my various Gods! X-Ray specs!
Bender: Guys, I swear those are prescription. I need 'em for reading stuff ... on the other side of stuff.
Lou: Cheater!
Ipgee: Get him!
Terry: Break his neck!
Zoidberg: No, don't hurt him! He's my best friend!
Bender: Hey, you wouldn't hit a guy with X-Ray glasses would you? Ow! Easy on the arm! Oh! Oh, my ass!
Hermes: Great cow of Moscow!
Bender: Uh, it was ghosts! Big ones! And a tornado!
Hermes: Oh! I'll never pass inspection now. They'll bust me lower than a limbo stick ... at carnival time. And that's as low as limbo sticks get.
Fry: Aw, hey, c'mon, don't worry. We'll watch you clean up.
Hermes: It's too late. The inspector will be here in exactly one second.
Hermes: Who the hell are you?
Morgan: Morgan Proctor, bureaucrat grade 19.
Hermes: Hermes Conrad, bureaucrat grade 36.
Morgan: Enough friendly banter. Shall we begin the inspection?
Hermes: This way, please.
Fry: Jeez, Hermes, you seem awfully calm about this.
Hermes: Don't worry. I have a plan.
Hermes: I'm going to jump!
Amy: No!
Zoidberg: No!
Bender: Do a flip!
Leela: Don't do it, Hermes! You have so much to live for.
Bender: I get it, reverse psychology.
Farnsworth: Please, old friend, don't jump. Use another method that won't damage your liver. Other people need it, you know.
Labarbara: Husband! Nooo!
Hermes: Outta my way, wife! I wasn't cut out to be a bureaucrat anyway. I'm only anal 78.36% of the time. I'm not worthy to stamp a form, so I'll stamp the pavement with my flabby body.
Morgan: Bureaucrat Conrad, if you complete your death transaction without filing a suicide and/or falling accident permit, you will be posthumously demoted.
Hermes: Life. Death. Either way I'm demoted to a tiny cubicle.
Hermes: Sweet something of ... of someplace.
Morgan: As your superior, I hereby relieve you of duty. Consider yourself on paid vacation.
Hermes: Oh! The ultimate penalty!
Zoidberg: I recommend the health cure on Spa 5, the sauna planet. Here, read.
Labarbara: Spa 5? Is it good?
Zoidberg: Oh, it's wonderful! I don't know anything about it but they give me a bucket of krill for every patient I send.
Morgan: Naturally I'll have to assign a bureaucrat to fill in for Hermes while he's away. I assign me, I accept. Welcome aboard.
Zoidberg: Then it's settled. Hermes will relax and Zoidberg will eat. Hurrah!
Morgan: I've been reviewing your corporate records. Regarding last Monday's delivery, why did it take twice as long as scheduled?
Leela: Fry got his head stuck in a crater.
Fry: I thought it would fit.
Morgan: And during this period of head-crater interaction, what were you doing?
Bender: Martini drinking contests with the autopilot. I would've had him this time but we ran out of olives.
Leela: I can explain-
Morgan: You really think you can explain how you left port without a full compliment of olives? I think not.
Leela: What is this, high school?
Morgan: Locker check!
Morgan: Why isn't this jacket in alphabetical order?
Leela: What?
Morgan: The zipper. It should be at the bottom.
Bender: Hey, sometimes a guy gets lonely.
Morgan: I- I've never seen anything like this. Why is there yoghurt in this cap?
Fry: Uh, I can explain that. See, it used to be milk and, well, time makes fools of us all.
Morgan: You are all dismissed. Fry, I will speak to you alone.
Fry: Uh, wait, this is the other Fry's locker. I'm "Phry" with a P-H.
Morgan: Admit it, Fry You're a slob. A dirty, filthy slob. Dirty boy! Dirty! Dirty! Dirty!
Fry: What the hell's going on? I thought you were anti-dirty not pro-dirty.
Morgan: I'm surrounded by neat freaks everyday. There's nothing kinkier to me than a filthy slop-jock like you.
Fry: Oh, stop!
Morgan: Now listen, you filthy pig. No one can know about us. If anyone asks, I'll deny it.
Fry: Just like very other girl I've dated.
Woman: And two and three and four and ... ... come on, work those arms!
Labarbara: This is no spa, it's a forced-labour camp.
Hermes: Curse that Dr. Zoidberg! If I get out of here, he'll be looking down the business-end of a shrimp fork.
Australian Man: Give him one for me too, mate. I don't know why I go to him.
Woman: I don't miss twice, campers!
Morgan: And for those six and a half reasons, I am demoting Leela to co-pilot.
Leela: Co-pilot? Under who?
Morgan: The autopilot.
Leela: That drunk?
Morgan: Mr. Bender, you are now in charge of co-ordinating the Professor's bodily functions.
Farnsworth: That's a full-time job.
Morgan: And Fry, as for you, I am promoting you to executive delivery boy. You will no longer go on deliveries and you will have your own office next to mine.
Fry: Alright!
Morgan: Mr. Bender, would you high-five him so we can continue this meeting? And on the rebound? Meeting adjourned.
Amy: I can't figure why she's so nice to you, Fry.
Zoidberg: She's a hateful monster, this Morgan. She scolded and hit me. I tell you, she's risking my friendship with her.
Leela: Bender, what happened to you?
Bender: Morgan made me walk the Professor. There we were in the park when suddenly some old lady says I stole her purse. I chucked the Professor at her but she kept coming. So I had to hit her with this purse I found. Ah, the point is, it's Morgan's fault. That pencil-pushing scazwag. Why, if she were here, I'd- Uh-oh, is she behind me?
Morgan: No. I'm in front of you.
Fry: Morgan? It's 3am.
Morgan: I know. A skunk knocked over my garbage and suddenly all I could think of was you. My God! It's so ... repulsive. So, uh, this is where you eat?
Fry: Eat and sleep.
Morgan: Oh, Fry!
Fry: Uh, wait, Bender's my roommate. He could be back any second.
Morgan: Not likely. I ordered him to flush out the Professor's ear wax.
Bender: Hey, Fry, I made you a candle with- What the-? Oh, now I see! Now I get it. Now the pieces are falling into place The office, the promotion, that dwarf in my book club who steals my opinions. It's all coming together now!
Bender: I must say, this opens my eyes. Another case closed, my dear Watson.
Fry: Morgan, come back! He's stuck in a loop.
Bender: For I was blind but now I see!
Bender: The cat's out of the bag now!
Morgan: Mr. Bender, about last night That was just a ... a misunderstanding.
Bender: Oh, you didn't understand? Well let me explain. You ... ... were having sex with you.
Morgan: No. You see, a bureaucrat of my rank isn't supposed to fraternise.
Bender: That's what makes it so juicy. It's the forbidden fruit angle everybody loves. First I'll say "You'll never guess who saw Fry and Morgan doing it," and they'll say "Who, Bender? Who?" and I'll say "It was lovable ... ... old Bender."
Fry: Hey, what did you do to him?
Morgan: I downloaded his brain. Everything that is Bender is right here. His mind, his memories, his in-your-face interface.
Bender: I am Bender. Please insert girder.
Fry: But, but ... Bender need brain ... for ... smart making. What did you do now? Stop doing things!
Morgan: I sent the disk to be filed at the Central Bureaucracy. I did what I had to do, Fry; He was a bad robot.
Fry: No, he was a bad friend. I want him back right now.
Morgan: Then you should have filed a request 20 years ago.
Fry: I'm sick of you and your bureaucracy!
Morgan: Dirty boy! Dirty boy!
Leela: You and Morgan were having an affair?
Fry: I couldn't help it. She loved me because of the part of me that's a slob and I loved her because of the part of me that's desperate.
Bender: I am Bender. Please insert girder.
Fry: Poor Bender. Without his brain he's become all quiet and helpful. We've got to go to the Central Bureaucracy and get that disk back!
Amy: Yeah!
Farnsworth: Oh, yes, we must, yes.
Amy: Why?
Leela: Well, those arguments aside, we're still going.
Farnsworth: You can't just waltz into the Central Bureaucracy. It's a tangled web of red tape and regulations. I've never been but a friend of mine went completely mad trying to find the washroom there.
Leela: Then we'll need a guide. Someone who's been there before.
Farnsworth: Oh, I've been there. Lots of times!
Hermes: Look at that The carts go out full but they come in empty. It's criminally inefficient.
Australian Man: Quiet, mate. Pulling the empty carts is the closest thing we get to sleep.
Hermes: But don't you see? They could increase efficiency 4% if they used the empty carts to bring in heavy mining machinery.
Man: Hey, I like the way you think.
Australian Man: Oh, Lord!
Man: You know, you oughta be a bureaucrat or something.
Fry: Man, how long is this gonna take?
Old Man: I'm still waiting on my birth certificate.
Farnsworth: Well, it doesn't look like I'll make it inside with the rest of you. Uh, but good luck. Just leave me where I drop.
Old Man: Oh, great! Someone had a baby.
Leela: Come on. I have a better idea.
Leela: Excuse me? We're from the Planet Express delivery company. We're here to deliver a robot.
Bender: I am Bender. Please insert girder.
Grade 53 Bureaucrat: Looks like we've got a new office cut-up!
Grade 41 Bureaucrat: Look out! Look out! I'm gonna crash my slow-mobile! I had to swerve to avoid you.
Leela: While you're crashing, could you tell us where all these canisters end up?
Grade 41 Bureaucrat: Oh, you want Central Filing.
Leela: OK.
Fry: OK.
Amy: OK, thanks.
Farnsworth: Wonderful.
Grade 41 Bureaucrat: Nooo!
Grade 20 Bureaucrat: Central Filing? Of course I know where that is. I'm a grade 20.
Leela: Where is it?
Grade 20 Bureaucrat: I can't tell you. What do I look like? A grade 16?
Leela: We're getting nowhere slowly. Here, I'll address this to the Central Filing room. Then we'll track it using my wrist LoJack-a-mater.
Wrist Machine: Cold. Cold. Warmer. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
Grade 11 Bureaucrat: Please don't tell my supervisor I was sleeping.
Leela: This is it. We'll just run in, grab Bender's disk and run out. Got it?
Fry: We'll never find that disk will we, Bender?
Bender: I am Bender. Please insert girder.
Fry: You're right. Nothing is over as long as there's one thin ray of hope.
Morgan: Lost something? I should have known you'd come here rather than follow proper procedure. And I did know. And that's why I came here.
Fry: Listen, Morgan, we're through. You're an evil, heartless woman and I never wanna see you again. However, would you help us get Bender back for old time's sake?
Morgan: I'm afraid he's lost in the master in pile, and it would take some sort of giant, mechanical, atomic-powered sorting machine to find him.
Hermes: You rang?
Farnsworth: Damnit, Hermes, just jump already. Stop hogging that healthy liver.
Hermes: No, I want to live. Organising that forced-labour spa rekindled my lifelong love of bureaucracy.
Labarbara: My Hermes got that hellhole running so efficiently that all the physical labour is now done by a single Australian man.
Leela: But how did you know we were here?
Hermes: Dr. Zoidberg brought us.
Zoidberg: It was me! I'm the hero!
Number 1.0: Request for explanation of incident meeting?
Morgan: Number 1.0.
Hermes: Number 1.0, I hereby petition you for an emergency sort-and-file, under regulation 2 point-
Number 1.0: D-D-D-D-Don't quote me regulations. I co-chaired the committee that reviewed the recommendation to revise the colour of the book that regulation's in. We kept it grey.
Hermes: Sir, please, I must located the disk with my friend's brain on it.
Number 1.0: Very well. But your bureaucratic licence will be revoked if you fail to sort the master in pile by closing time 1pm.
Leela: That's only four minutes from now.
Hermes: Requisition me a beat. With a foot and a half of water, Everyone was alright but I cried all night, It blew my alphabet blocks out of order, And they said, "This boy's born to be a bureaucrat, Born to be all obsessive and snotty," I made my friends and relations file long applications, To get into my 10th birthday party.
Labarbara: But something changed when my man turned pro.
Hermes: I was sortin' but I wasn't smilin'.
Labarbara: He forgot that it's not about badges and ranks.
Hermes: It's supposed to be about the filing! People! We didn't choose to be bureaucrats, No, that's what almighty Jah made us, We treat people like swine, And make 'em stand in line, Even if nobody paid us!
Hermes: They say the world looks down on the bureaucrats, They say we're anal, compulsive and weird, But when push comes to shove, You gotta do what you love, Even if it's not a good idea. Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: They said I probably shouldn't be a surgeon.
Farnsworth: They pooh-poohed my electric frankfurter.
Leela: They said I probably shouldn't fly with just one eye.
Bender: I am Bender. Please insert girder.
Hermes: Everybody sing Jamaica!
All: Jamaica!
Hermes: Just the bureaucrats, Jamaica!
Bureaucrats: Jamaica!
Hermes: The grade 19's!
Morgan: Jamaica.
Hermes: Sing me home! When push comes to shove, You gotta do what you love, Even if it's not a good idea!
Bender: I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor!
Fry: Yeah!
Zoidberg: Congratulations.
Number 1.0: Congratulations indeed but you finished with one second to spare so I'm demoting you. A good bureaucrat never finishes early.
Amy: That's OK, Hermes. At least we have you back.
Morgan: Not yet you don't. I'm still acting bureaucrat of Planet Express. And I have some changes to make. First, Fry, you're fired. Second-
Hermes: Not so fast! While I was sorting I came upon a certain document filed by one Morgan Proctor. Form B Notification of Romantic Entanglement.
Fry: That's right, she fraternised me!
Morgan: That form isn't about you. It refers to my high school prom date. It was a regulation date that ended in regulation disappointment.
Hermes: Yes, but you only stamped it four times!
Morgan: No! No! I was young and reckless.
Number 1.0: Bureaucrat Conrad, you are technically correct - the best kind of correct. I hereby promote you to grade 37. And as for you. Guards! Bring me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away!
Farnsworth: Well, it looks like I'll be needing my heroic bureaucrat back. At severely-reduced pay, of course.
Labarbara: It's better than nothing.
Fry: What about me? Can I come back at severely-reduced pay?
Hermes: You got it, mon! In fact, severely-reduced pay all around! Come on, wife, let's blow this joint!
Zoidberg: Now it's time for my song! When I was two, there was a tidal wave in-
Zoidberg: Aw.