Leela: Previously, on Futurama.
Nine: You must gain Wong's confidence, infiltrate his organization and prevent him from destroying the violet dwarf.
Hutch: The fate of the universe depends on you.
Fry: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Leela: It's amazing. It's like a textbook on evolution.
Fry: Except in Kansas.
Mr. Wong: I smell sabotage.
Leela: Feministas unite!
Zapp: A patriot of the highest order has volunteered to lead us to them.
Bender: Hey-oh!
Nixon: These eco-feminists are ruthless criminals who'll stop at nothing to save the environment. I don't see how a bending unit can catch them.
Bender: Not just any bending unit, Presidente. I happen to be brilliant, fearless and short on cash.
Nixon: Slush him, Kroker.
Zapp: Bender here has identified the femdito commander as my ex-lover, Turanga Leela, whom I once made love at.
Nixon: And he's willing to fink her out for a few simoleons?
Bender: It's not about the money, Nixon, though I'd like much more. She's committed 30 felonies in 12 star systems. If no one stops her, she'll break my record for longest rap sheet.
Nixon: That's a despicable motive, Bender, and I respect it.
Bender: Gracias. Now, I could find Leela, but you'll need to authorize a wiretap.
Nixon: As many as you like.
Bender: I only need one.
Nixon: Let's call it six.
Fry: Hey, Bender, check it out. I'm Leo Wong's new security guard. I got an ID badge and a flashlight, and I ordered this mustache.
Bender: Neat. Say, speaking of whatever the hell you just said, I need to make a cell phone telephone call. Can borrow your cell phone telephone?
Fry: Okay, but don't restart my Tetris. I was finally about to get one of those pieces that looks like a backwards "L."
Bender: Okay, superstud.
Mr. Wong: Looking good, security. No feministas getting past you.
Fry: No, sir. Not on my mustache's watch.
Amy: Fry, I can't believe you're working with my dad against Leela. How can you claim to be her friend and still want her in jail?
Mr. Wong: Don't mind cranky-pants here. She been cranky ever since she was a fat little girl.
Amy: Dad!
Mr. Wong: Can I be brutally honest, Fry? I always wanted a son.
Fry: That hurt, but I can take it.
Amy: I knew you wanted a son! Why do you think I became a miniature golf champion? Why do you think I wear these stupid boys' sweat suits?
Mr. Wong: To hide your big, fat butt, that's why.
Fry: Now, sir, in fairness, Amy's butt is actually pretty hot.
Amy: What is it with you men? Why does everything revolve around my butt?
Mr. Wong: 'Cause it's so big and massive. He and Fry share a laugh.]
Fry: Sorry.
Amy: That's it!
Bender: Whoa! What's with Big Butt?
Mr. Wong: She just hungry.
Bender: Here you go, Fry.
Fry: Thanks.
Bender: Oh! FYI, I dropped that Tetris piece in the wrong place and ended the game.
Fry: No!
Fry: Great! Now Amy's gonna tell Leela I'm a jerk. If only I could explain I'm on a secret mission against evil. Wait. Evil? Yeah, yeah, evil. What's going on in there? A scary noise? Hey, you're one of Leela's feministas. "Save the environment! Wo-mandate Leo's retirement!" That's terrible writing! Stop making your point so ineffectively!
Frida: Take your mands off of me!
Fry: I'm on your side.
Frida: Don't shush me.
Fry: Please, can you take a message to Leela?
Frida: What is it?
Fry: Just say her sweet goofbag is working to save the violet dwarf star, just like she is.
Frida: Very well, I'll fem-municate your man-formation.
Fry: Just tell her.
Farnsworth: Well, this is it, old friends. Planet Express is done for, what with our delivery crew missing and the abysmal sales of Tickle Me Bender.
Bender Doll: Quit touching my junk, pervert!
Farnsworth: Hold out your hands and I'll remove your career chips.
Zoidberg: I hate to see it come to an end. When will it end?
Hermes: Shouldn't you get that, Professor?
Farnsworth: I suppose. Hello?
Mr. Wong: Professor, old buddy, I'm gonna blow up the violet dwarf star. So I need you deliver billion-mile security fence to keep out protesters. Dirty business. Lot of money. You corrupt enough?
Farnsworth: Damn skippy! Good news, crybabies! We're back in business.
Hermes: Sweet kookaburra of Edinburgh, Professor. You sure you know how to fly this thing?
Farnsworth: I invented it, didn't I? You wouldn't ask Thomas Edison whether he knew how to use a sexmatron.
Leela: Halt! What are you doing in this parallelogram of space?
Farnsworth: We're delivering a fence to keep you ladies in your place.
Zoidberg: Amy?
Hermes: Labarbara?
Labarbara: That's right, husband. From now on, you make your own Manwiches.
Mrs. Wong: That was the greatest play I ever saw. It must have had 20 acts.
Leela (Over Megaphone): We installed your fence, Leo Wong.
Linda: Should we shout a clever slogan?
Leela: You mean something like, "The best defense is a good fence?"
Linda: Yeah, something like that, only funny.
Leela: I wish we could, but our chief slogan writer is back at the Honeybun Hideout.
Frida: Does "violet dwarf" rhyme with "men are dorks"? It does through a megaphone. (Telepathically) That reminds me, I've got to tell Leela about that weirdo who wants to save the violet dwarf.
Mysterious Voice: So, the Legion of Madfellows has a new pawn, eh?
Frida: Is somebody here? If you're the DSL guy, you're two days late.
Mysterious Voice: Who gave you that message for Leela?
Frida: I don't know his name.
Mysterious Voice: Then you are of no use to the Dark Ones!
Frida: Long lost brother, avenge my death.
[Scene: Wongminister Miniature Golf Club. Fry is locking up.]
Fry: Six, seven, eight. Lock the gate. One, two, three. Turn the key. 30, 50, 10. My dirty, shifty friend?
Hutch: Hey, Fry, long time.
Hutch: Welcome back to the Legion of Madfellows, man.
Fry: Why'd you bonk me, you idiot? You could have just asked me to come with you. And where are we? This doesn't look like your regular dumpster.
Nine: All in good time! I guess now is a good time. We're on Mars, in a forgotten cavern abandoned by the native Martians a million years ago.
Fry: Actually, it was five years ago. I remember 'cause they washed my socks.
Nine: You have done well, Fry. You have ingratiated yourself with Leo Wong.
Fry: Yup, I kissed his ass from cheek to shining cheek. So, what do I do next?
Nine: As Wong security chief, you will be on hand when he attempts to destroy the violet dwarf. You must not let that happen.
Fry: "Must let happen."
Nine: Not happen!
Fry: "Must let occur."
Nine: Let me tell you a story. A story of two alien species so ancient that compared to them the human race is a mere college senior! On a distant planetoid they evolved to cooperate in their quest to survive.
Fry: Cooperation, because life is a team sport.
Nine: But, over time, one species evolved a better strategy, and an evolutionary arms race began.
Nine: That concludes the audio-visual portion of our head-clonk and lecture.
Fry: Wait, what happened to the snakes and the frogs? I need to know!
Nine: The frogs, or possibly the snakes, evolved into vicious killing machines, honed by the merciless forces of natural selection and intelligent design. We call these the Dark Ones!
Nine: Meanwhile, however, the second species evolved to fend off the Dark Ones, befriending and protecting all other living things.
Fry: Even Celine Dion?
Nine: Probably. We call these noble beings the Encyclopods, because their DNA incorporates the DNA of every endangered species they encountered, so they can recreate them if they go extinct.
Fry: Just as a pillow, a wig and a corncob pipe can be used to recreate my old girlfriend!
Nine: Bingo.
Transition Announcer: Meanwhile, at the Honeybun Hideout.
Labarbara: Now you know how it feels to be locked up in a go-go cage.
Hermes: What the hell are you talking about?
Labarbara: Shut your man-hole.
Hermes: I feel dirty.
Leela: Are you sure Fry is working for your father? It just doesn't seem like him to be so evil, or to hold down a job.
Amy: It's true, Leela. Cross My Heart bra and swear to Goddess.
Leela: But the Fry I know wouldn't do that. I'm gonna call his cell phone telephone and prove you wrong. Oh, no! Frida's been murdered!
Labarbara: Sweet she-cattle of Seattle.
Hermes (From Off Screen): Not your strong suit, woman.
Amy: Who could have done this?
Leela: Your dad? Nixon?
Amy: Fry?
Leela: No, never. I don't think. Anyhow, there's a crazed murderer on the loose, possibly in the shadows or hanging from the ceiling. So just stay calm while I call Fry.
Fry: So where are the Encyclopods and the Dark Ones now?
Nine: Wh-... When the life-giving Chee receded, only the toughest organisms could adapt and survive, like the Dark Ones. Many more died out, like the Encyclopods. But, and this is the great secret of our age, we believe they left an egg behind.
Fry: Is it edible?
Nine: We're not gonna eat it! Not unless we find a second one. No, Fry, we intend to hatch it!
Hutch: And that's where you come in.
Fry: And here I am.
Nine: At long last the tide of Chee has returned, and its nourishing flow has awakened the dormant egg.
Fry: That's good.
Hutch: It's better than good. It's better. With its massive stash of DNA, the Encyclopod can reconstruct every species that ever went extinct.
Fry: So, where is this egg?
Nine: In the violet dwarf star system.
Fry: And what does it look like?
Nine: A violet dwarf star!
Fry: You mean, the whole star is a single... Whoa! Sci-fi.
Nine: Alas! Even now, a Dark One is headed to the star to ensure its destruction.
Fry: Dang! So what does this Dark One look like?
Nine: We don't know. I admit it's a horrifically grave situation.
Hutch: Don't sugarcoat it, Nine. The Dark Ones have been evolving so long, it could be anything or anyone. Or anybody.
Fry: You mean, like, people?
Hutch: Any people. It will kill the egg, and every dude, woman and child who knows about it.
Nine: Even our crazy caps will be useless at close range. That's why only you, with your defective unreadable brainwave, may be able to thwart them and usher in a new green age of wonder and...
Fry: You're on Fry-time. Leela! Did you get my message?
Leela: What message?
Fry: Didn't you see Frida Waterfall?
Leela: So you did kill Frida Waterfall?
Fry: What? No. I told her to tell you that I'm... Oh, Jeep! The Dark Ones got her. It's all true. We need to talk, Leela. Then I can explain... Well, I can't explain anything, but we should talk anyway. Where are you?
Leela: Oh, no. I'm not gonna expose the Honeybun Hideout. Where are you?
Fry: Near the Keeler Crater on Mars. Do you know it?
Leela: I, I, uh... I think I read about it.
Leela: I'll meet you at the south rim in one hour. No moustaches.
Zapp: Kif, set coordinates, 36-24-36. AKA, Leela.
Fry: Ten minutes late. Ain't that just like a womanista?
Leela: Psst. Are you alone?
Fry: Of course, don't you trust me?
Zapp (Over Pa): There's no escape, Leela. If you surrender, wave your shirt in the air.
Leela: Fry, you traitor!
Amy (Over Pa): Hop onto the magnet, Leela!
Leela: Okay. One, two...
Leela: I can't believe you ratted me out, Fry.
Fry: I'm not a rat, I swear. If I'm any rodent, it's the loyal capybara, king of the rats! No, wait.
Amy: Stay strong, ladies. We can lose them in the giant miniature golf course.
Fry: But the course isn't finished. And there's no girls allowed.
Amy: Fore!
Zapp: So, they want to play mini golf, eh? Two can play at that game. Or even four, depending on the number of ball colors available.
Zapp: I choose pink.
Kif: That's their color, sir.
Zapp: The hell it is.
Leela: They're gaining on us. We need a birdie on the windmill hole.
Amy: Wait. Wait. Drop the boot!
Kif: Sir, at our present speed, the computer predicts a 100% chance we'll be sliced in half. We'll never make it.
Zapp: Not with that attitude, we won't. Same speed ahead!
Zapp: We made it through, Kif. How many men did we lose?
Kif: All of them.
Zapp: Well, at least they won't have to mourn each other. Seal the airlocks, and draw the shades. Resume shooting.
Fry: Oh, no! The gorilla! That's a par-four!
Leela: The mouth's too dangerous. I'm going for the nose.
Amy: Don't be a sucker. You won't come out anywhere near the hole. You need to aim for the jaws just when they start to close.
Leela: Start to close? Are you out of your...
Leela: We made it!
Zapp: Captaining 101 . Go for the nose.
Bender: My arms are broken, I'll never paint again.
Kif: You can't sue the military.
Bender: I'm okay then.
Zapp: Damage report.
Kif: We lost all remaining food and oxygen, Captain. As well as our XM Radio antenna.
Zapp: Then this chase is over. Kif, set course for the nearest XM repair facility. Meanwhile, we shall sing top hits from the '80s.
Kif: Which '80s, sir?
Zapp: For me, there are only one '80s. (VO) Smell like I sound, I'm lost and I'm found.And I'm hungry like the wolf.
Hermes: The shot was too good! We're jamming straight for the hole.
Zoidberg: We're gonna crash, even.
Amy: Shmeesh, shmill out, shmeverybody. It's a wormhole hole.
Farnsworth: Of course, a wormhole! We'll simply disappear and reappear in a... ...nother part of the universe.
Amy: We made it!
Farnsworth: Uh, whaa...
Leela: Crud nuggets! We de-spaced right next to the Nimbus.
Zoidberg: Just when you think the chase is over, it gets twice as exciting!
Bender: Hey, look at that.
Zapp: Well, well, well. My bloodhound-like instincts must have hunted them down while my other parts were throbbing to Duran Duran.
Kif: Shall I initiate a pointless and potentially fatal pursuit?
Zapp: Make it so.
Bender: It's gonna be fun on a bun, in space.
Leela: Look! The asteroid. Now it's crawling with life. Like Zoidberg's sandals!
Fry: Wow! It's incredible.
Leela: But it'll be destroyed when Leo Wong blows up the violet dwarf. So why are you helping him?
Fry: I can't tell you, Leela. You just have to trust me.
Leela: You keep saying that, but you have to give me something to go on or I...
Planet Express Ship Alarm: Out of whale oil. Out of whale oil.
Leela: The out-of-fuel indicator. It's indicating.
Zoidberg: Say, what's that violet-colored dwarf-like star thing we're drifting into?
Leela: The violet dwarf star!
Fry: Of course. The gorilla was the 18th hole, so we're headed into the ball return.
Zoidberg: Aye, what else now can go wrong?
Zapp: Ladies, you're under arrest. Prepare to be boarded again and again.
Petunia: He'll never take me alive.
Leela: Don't give up yet. I've got one more trick up my sleeve.
Amy: That's exactly the number we need.
Zapp: Ah, the fairer sex.
Zapp: Something's very wrong here, and yet a little bit right.
Leela (Off-Screen): Not so fast, Brannigan.
Bender (Off-Screen): Even less fast, feministas!
Leela: Bender?
Bender: All two tons of me, and if you think that's shocking; wait 'til you see w...
Transition Announcer [Interrupting]: Tune in next time on Futurama!


Fry: Previously, on Futurama.
Hutch: Truth is, you're a mind reader.
Fry: Oh, my God!
Leela: Leeches may not be cuddly like pandas or tribbles, but these poor endangered creatures deserve...
Nine: You must gain Wong's confidence, infiltrate his organization and prevent him from destroying the violet dwarf.
Hutch: The fate of the universe depends on you.
Fry: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Leela: It's amazing. It's like a textbook on evolution.
Fry: Except in Kansas.
Mr. Wong: I smell sabotage.
Leela: Feministas unite!
Leela (Off-Screen): Not so fast, Brannigan.
Bender (Off-Screen): Even less fast, feministas!
Bailiff: Oye, oye, oye. All rise for the honorable Chief Justice D-O-G-G and the Associate Justices.
Snoop Dogg'S Head: Yo. Seat it or beat it. The charges against y'all femditos is murder, mayhem, vandalism, kidnapping and resisting arrest. Damn! The big five. You may now make your opening "what you got to say for yourselves."
Leela: May it please the Court... I mean, may it plizzle the cozizzle.
Dogg: Proceed.
Leela: These charges are outrageous. Our only goal was to save a rare violet star and its precious ecosystem. If protecting the environment is a crime, then...
Judge Dogg: Protecting the environment is a crime.
Leela': I rest my mouth.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Nixon: I... Well, now, I... Am I under oath when I take the oath?
Ruth Bader Ginsburg'S Head: Can the witness identify the feminista leader?
Bender: That's her right there, with the "I'm gonna kill you Bender" look in her eye.
Antonin Scalia'S Head: Hey, aren't you the robot who robbed me at gunpoint last year?
Bender: No further answers, Your Honor.
Fry: Please, Justice Dogg, Leela and her friends are completely innocent.
Dogg: Hold up. Were you or were you not abducted by these hoes?
Fry: Well, abducted is such an ugly word.
Clarence Thomas' Head: Mr. Wong, the court cannot compel you to testify against your own daughter.
Mr. Wong: No. No, I want to. Also, I got something to say about my wife.
Dogg: Aw, yeah. Having heard some of the testimony over these jams I've been listening to, me and my crew will now kick it in the mix.
Dogg: A'ight. We got us a verdict up in this High Court. Bailiff, drop it like it's legal precedent.
Bailiff: In the matter of Leo Wong v. The Greenorita Eco-Feminist Collective, four justices vote to convict, five to acquit.
Scalia: However, since the vote was strictly along gender lines and the female justices' votes only count half, you are hereby found guilty.
Ginsburg: It's a humiliating and biased system, but it works.
Dogg: Fifty years in the maximum security Dogg house.
Warden: Ladies! Welcome to hell.
Petunia: Beats Nutley on a Saturday night.
Warden: This is a privately-owned for-profit prison and I run a tight, cheap ship! I've done this by cutting cost everywhere, especially on punishment. I rely on you inmates to make prison unpleasant for yourselves. You're encouraged to sexually harass new prisoners, organize no-holds-barred catfights and maintain poor hygiene.
Amy: Try and make me, copper.
Warden: Oh... a troublemaker. Taste the lash of my 99-cent-store nightstick!
Mr. Wong: Yee-ha! With the feministas in jail, it full speed ahead. You and me, Fry. We implode the violet dwarf star tomorrow. Ka-boom-boom.
Fry: You and me?
Mr. Wong: Yeah.
Fry: Tomorrow?
Mr. Wong: Tomorrow.
Fry: Ka-boom?
Mr. Wong: Ka-boom-boom.
Fry: Hello? Madfellows? I need to- Okay, Leo Wong's about to destroy the violet dwarf. So, whatever I need to know to stop him, tell me now.
Nine: Alas! Stopping Wong isn't the only problem. One of the Dark Ones will try to stop you from stopping him. So, you must stop it from stopping you from stopping him.
Fry: But how can I stop it stop me stop him?
Nine: Stop it! Behold, the Omega Device.
Fry: That's it?
Nine: The important thing is what's inside.
Fry: What does that look like?
Hutch: No one knows, man. It was invented by a blind inventor, and the one dude he described it to was deaf.
Mad Fellow: So the legend goes.
Nine: When activated, the device will emit a localized blast of delta-band noise to momentarily disable the Dark One.
Fry: But the Dark One could look like anything or anyone, right?
Hutch: Or anywhere.
Fry: So, what's your plan to recognize it?
Nine: We don't have one.
Fry: Got it.
Hutch: And we don't dare think of one neither. 'Cause if we do, the Dark Ones might sense kind of the general vibe. Even through our mighty foil. Oh, man! Anyone got some tape or some gum?
Nine: As my colleague indicated, the plan cannot come from us, Fry. We were counting on you and your unreadable brain to come up with something.
Fry: That was a mistake.
Nine: I see that now.
Hutch: Freaky thing is, the Dark Ones' thoughts are unreadable, just like yours.
Nine: Yes, if we dared unwrap our heads, we could easily locate the one other being whose mind we can't read. The Dark One!
Hutch: But then the Dark One would read our minds and crush them like blood pumpkins.
Fry: Wait. I can read minds and my mind can't be read. I have a plan.
Nine: Great. Whatever it is, don't tell us.
Hutch: Wait. Fry can read minds and his mind can't be read. So he can safely scan for the Dark One...
Nine: Shut up! Shut up!
Hutch: ...whose mind can't be read...
Mysterious Voice: Leela, time is running out. We must get to the violet star.
Leela: Okay, okay. Shut up, already.
Dixie: Nobody's talking, Leela.
Trixie: We're just painting each other's toenails with rat blood.
Linda: We now go live to Leela with the escape plan. Leela?
Leela: Thanks, Linda. Now we're in here because we tried to save endangered wildlife. So this time, endangered wildlife will save us.
Amy: The Martian muck leech.
Leela: Little cutie almost sucked me dry.
Labarbara: Look at him go. Like a green snake through a sugarcane cake.
Hermes (On Her Cell Phone): Keep trying.
Morbo: Our top story. The universe's most wanted eco-feminists are now behind bars, including gang leader, Turanga Leela. AKA, the Notorious B-I-Itch.
Zoidberg: We finished un-pinking the ship, Hubert. Now what?
Farnsworth: Now we get back to work. And if that means destroying an ecosystem or two, so be it.
Zoidberg: I just meant without our good friends Fry, Leela, Amy and the robut.
Farnsworth: Oh, boo-hoo.
Scruffy: Life goes on. But I believe we'll forever carry the pain on the inside.
Amy: Oh, no, a rooster! That indicates it's the following morning.
Labarbara: How's that creepy crawler doing?
Leela: I'm sorry, femi-sisters, but it pooped out around 3 00 a.m. Poor thing couldn't take another bite.
Amy: Well, I guess we failed. But what matters is, we tried our best and we looked good doing it.
Amy: Bender?
Bender: Who does it look like? My identical cousin Buster?
Amy: Yes.
Leela: You're here to break us out? But you're the one who put us in.
Bender: But I'm Bender, king of the combination shot. I put you in so that by busting you out, I could commit 15 felonies at once. Puttin' my rap sheet miles ahead of yours on the all-time chart.
Leela: You are one devious bastard.
Bender: That's what it says on my vanity plate.
Leela: What about the sentries?
Leela: Okay, Plan B. Everyone knows men have one fatal weakness - they can't resist hookers. Dixie, Trixie, you know what to do.
Bender: Hello, boys! Your eyes say no, but your machine gun fire says-
Mr. Wong: Ladies and gentleman and whatever, welcome to my most environmentally disastrous implosion ever. A whole star system!
Zapp: Kif, old boy, mind if I sit on your shoulders for a better view?
Kif: Well, actually, sir, I was hoping...
Mr. Wong: My associate Philip Fry here will have honor to blow this ugly, dirty star into nice, clean black hole.
Mr. Wong: Fry, what you doing down there?
Fry: Just polishing your shoes, Mr. W.
Mr. Wong: Mmm, that nice. Get between the toes there, very dirty.
Bender: Well, so much for Plan B.
Leela: What's Plan C?
Bender: All situations have the same Plan C. Bending, come on.
Leela: We're boned, Bender. It's a brick wall.
Bender: Granted, it's not on the list of approved bendables, but I'm so great!
Amy: Dogs! The boning continues.
Bender: Green Bluebird, this is Mr. Fabulous. We are go for cheesing it.
Leela: Professor! Hermes! Zoidberg! Uh...
Scruffy: Scruffy. The janitor.
Leela: You helped us escape? Even after we locked you in a go-go cage like common go-go dancers?
Farnsworth: I couldn't live with myself, Leela. I call myself a scientist, wear the white coat and probe a monkey every now and again, yet I put monetary gain ahead of preserving nature. Can you ever forgive me?
Scruffy: I reckon.
Leela: I could kiss you, Professor.
Farnsworth: Okay, but watch out for my new grill.
Zapp Brannigan: Before the grand finally , as it were, it seems only fitting that I, Commodore 64 Zapp Brannigan, say a few brief pages in honor of...
Nine (Telepathically): Whatever your plan is, Fry, I suggest you get on with it. Get... Shoot, I got hot sauce on my Number 9 shirt.
Fry (Telepathically): Okay, locate the Dark One by finding someone whose thoughts I can't read.
Zapp Brannigan: And unaccustomed...
Zapp Brannigan (Telepathically): By God! I'm the greatest speaker of all time. They're suckling at the teats of my every syllable.
Zapp Brannigan: Allow me now...
Kif (Telepathically): His voice is like ear sandpaper.I miss Amy.
Mom (Telepathically): If I had all the money in the world, I'd... Oh, wait. I do.
Calculon (Telepathically): I'd like to thank the academy, my agent, and most of all, my operating system, Windows 7, for everything it... System error.
Snoop Dogg (Telepathically): Naked ladies. Naked ladies. Naked ladies. Naked ladies.
Mr. Wong (Telepathically): I never should have taken that accent elimination class from Jackie Chan.
Zapp Brannigan: And so, as we obliterize this star, let us remember those immortal words once spoken by a great man, moi. And I quote, "All good things must come to an end, preferably in a humongous explosion."
Mr. Wong: Let's pop this beach ball.
All: Ten! Nine! Eight!
Fry (Telepathically): There's no one here whose thoughts can't be read. No one, except me! My thoughts can't be read. But, but that's crazy. If I were the Dark One, I'd know it, wouldn't I? But, here I am, right where the Dark One would be, about to blow up the star. Oh, God! Somewhere deep inside of me, it's me! I'm the Dark One!
All: Two... one!
Leela: Put your hands in the air!
Snoop Dogg: Should we wave them like we just don't care?
Leela: That's optional.
Mr. Wong: You girl punks gone too far this time. Your parents should be ashamed.
Amy: Yes, you should!
Kif: Amy!
Mysterious Voice (Telepathically To Mr. Wong): Destroy the star, Leo, hurry.
Mr. Wong: You got it, Mr. Voice-in-my-head. I've gotta admit, Amy, you got a pretty good swing.
Amy: Really? Thanks, Dad.
Leela: Okay, time to defuse this star cracker once and for all.
Fry: Leela, wait. You're making a mistake. You have no idea what's really going on.
Leela: What is really going on?
Fry: I can't tell you.
Leela: Then why should I trust you? Why?
Fry: Because... Because...
Leela: You're you. That's all I need to know.
Bender: No! Don't do it!
Scruffy: Fiddlesticks.
Amy: Leela, are you crazy? We became fugitives and jail-breakers to stop him.
Bender: And hookers, don't forget hookers.
Leela: Shame on all of you. After everything we've been through together, do you really think Fry would-
Fry: Goodbye, Leela. I destroy myself to save you.
Nixon'S Head: Where's the boom? I was expecting a boom.
Fry: It didn't work. I'm the Dark One, and it didn't do anything.
Mysterious Voice: You're not the Dark One, I am.
Fry: Leela?
Mysterious Voice: Not Leela, you moron. Me! What did you do to me?
Leela: Ew!
Dark One: I am the Dark One. The very last Dark One. How is it possible I couldn't read your mind? Oh, I am momentarily disabled.
Randy: What's happening out there?
Sal: Somethings wondersful.
Leela: The star and the asteroid. They were an egg and a sperm.
Preacherbot: Great modem of mercy. Cover the children's eyes.
Morbo: There are no children here.
Preacherbot: Then move your fat head. I can't see.
Nine: The Encyclopod is reborn. A new green age has begun!
Mad Fellow: So the legend foretold.
Farnsworth: Look! Inside its pouch. Extinct Tasmanian tigers.
Amy: And dodo birds.
Leela: And white rhinos.
Hermes: And striped biologist-taunters.
Striped Biologist-Taunter: What are you gonna do, shoot us?
Encyclopod: Life! These once extinct plants and animals are my gift to the universe. Through untold generations, my race has treasured their DNA. Treat them wisely with the knowledge that all species are precious.
Leela: This is unbelievable. What's going on?
Hutch: To answer that, I must tell you a story. A story of two alien species so ancient that-
Fry: Hutch, are you okay?
Hutch: My sister's femi-necklace.
Fry: What? Hey, how come I can't read your thoughts anymore?
Encyclopod: I shall avenge you, Hutch Waterfall.
Nine: After all these eons, the Dark Ones are no more. Will you preserve their DNA, O' Great Encyclopod?
Encyclopod: I suppose I should. Wait, where did it go?
Zoidberg: What?
Encyclopod: Well, at any rate, I shall preserve the DNA of Homo sapiens.
Fry: Huh. I thought you only saved the DNA of endangered species.
Encyclopod: Farewell.
Fry: I guess he didn't hear me.
Bender: Well, looks like that wraps everything up in a nice big, old, fat sack of...
Zapp Brannigan: I hereby arrest you fugitives on 53 counts of fugivity. Kif, round them up, and spare me the weary sigh for once. Kif?
Kif: Wait for me.
Fry: Well, this is the end. There was so many things I wanted to say to you.
Leela: Like what?
Fry: Like this is not the end. But mostly just, I love you, Leela.
Leela: Maybe I waited too long to say this, but I love you, too- wormhole!
Hermes: Sweet topology of cosmology, it's huge!
Farnsworth: If we fly into it, it could take us trillions of light years away. There's no knowing if we'll ever return.
Fry: What do we do? Should we go for it?
Bender: Into the breach, meatbags. Or not. Whatever.
All: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.


Bender: On the count of three, you will awaken feeling refreshed, as if Futurama had never been cancelled by idiots, then brought back by bigger idiots. 1... 2...
Bender: This has been a test of the Emergency Hypnotoad System. Had this been an actual hypnosis, you would go limp and watch whatever crap comes on next. Comin' up next Futurama!
Fry: Professor, my Fry-fro's all frizzy.
Farnsworth: OK.
Fry: That's all.
Farnsworth: So!? What of it?
Fry: Well, why is- those things?
Farnsworth: You mean you don't remember?
Fry: Nope, nothing. It's like when I passed out in college, except no one drew magic marker penises on my forehead.
Farnsworth: Well, I suppose it's for the best, considering the unbearable horrors you've endured. Let's never speak of it again.
Zapp: Fire all weapons and open a hailing frequency for my victory yodel.
Farnsworth: And so, as you and Leela kissed goodbye in a tender display of toungesmanship, we plunged into a massive wormhole. Never to be seen again.
Bender: Yeah, we're back.
Hermes: Sweet coincidence of Port-au-Prince, we're back at Earth!
Farnsworth: Of course, that was the Panama Wormhole, Earth's central channel for shipping!
Zoidberg: How humorous.
Farnsworth: Yes! It's sort of a Comedy Central channel, and we're on it now!
Amy: I get it!
Fry: We've lost power to the forward Game Boy, Mario not responding!
Leela: Brace for emergency landing!
Farnsworth: Rodger that, activate Safety Spheres! Also mine has air conditioning.
Farnsworth: Yet, thanks to my trusty safety sphere, I surblibed with only tribial bray dablage.
Fry: And the others?
Farnsworth: Right here behind this horror cloth.
Fry: Are they dead?
Farnsworth: Oh, no no no, much worse.
Farnsworth: Move over God! Prepare for rebirth! Wrong switch.
Farnsworth: Come on, stem cells. Work your astounding scientific nonsense!
Fry: Fetal steam cells? Aren't those controversial?
Farnsworth: In your time yes, but nowadays, shut up! Besides, these are adult stem cells harvested from perfectly healthy adults, whom I killed for their stem cells.
Fry: Hermes Conrad!
Hermes: Oh, mon! I'm dripping with placenta! Good thing it's Casual Friday.
Fry: Amy Wong!
Amy: Oh, baby soft!
Farnsworth: Indeed.
<Poem>Hermes: Dr. Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Hermes, my friend! Let me cut off your umbilical cord. Oops.
Fry: And the rest!
Amy: Hooray, we're back in business!
Zapp: Over my dead body. Uh, never mind.
Fry: Bender! Are the steam cells working?
Bender: I'm dying. I need mouth to ass resuscitation.
Fry: I'm on it! It's not working!
Bender: I die happy knowing you fell for that.
Farnsworth: His power supply is shot! He is flatlining! Only one thing can keep him alive. Possibly this thing.
Bender: Woo! I've never felt so energetic!
Farnsworth: That's because the doomsday device I shoved all up in you puts out 50 gigawatts. That's ten times your recommended-
Bender: Who are you? My warranty?
Farnsworth: For God's sake, Bender! Keep dancing, keep whooping it up! You must burn off the doomsday energy as fast as it produces, or it will build to critical levels.
Bender: You don't mean...
Farnsworth: Oh, but I do. If you stop partying for a single second, you'll explode and kill everyone here in a fireball of melting gears and splattered bowels.
Bender: Sounds like a party, baby!
Fry: Hey! Speaking of splattered bowels, can I cook you a romantic dinner tonight, Leela?... Where's Leela? Is she okay? Why hasn't she acknowledged my dinner offer?
Farnsworth: Something's wrong! She's not responding to my poking stick.
Fry: Poke harder, damn it!
Farnsworth: I'm poking as hard as I can! I'm sorry, Fry, but I'm afraid Leela is in an irreversible coma.
Bender: Coma, coma, coma, coma, coma, chameleon!
Fry: My soul mate is gone. Why should I go on living?
Bender: Because the pain slowly fades but the love is forever.
Fry: But, what if I forget the sweet sound of her voice or the moist touch of her eyeball on my lips?
Bender: Aw! Are you still hung up on Whatshername? Move on already!
Fry: Maybe you're right.
Bender: Maybe I'm always right.
Fry: Build-A-Bot Workshop? It's time to start living again!
Fry: At least it's something to distract me from Leela. Nah. Now that I like for some reason.
Robot Leela: I like jellybeans. Do you?
Fry: I sure do, honey.
Farnsworth: Come now, Fry! You can't live out this sick fantasy! Not without our help.
Hermes: These security tapes record everything at Planet Express. Including the ship, shower, and urinals.
<Poem>Amy: And yet, it still hasn't stopped the elusive bathroom burglar.
Zoidberg: Maybe he's just trying to feed his family.
Hermes: Computer, analyze tapes and extract personality profile of one Turanga Leela.
Computer: Analyzing...analyzing...Checking my eBay bid. Dammit. Analysis complete.
Fry: Hey, I was nuzzling that!
<Poem>Computer: Attributes transferred...Shoe size 12...etc.
Robot Leela: Brace for emergency landing! What? We survived the crash? Oh, Fry!
Bender: Party people in the house say,
Robot Leela: This is wonderful! The last thing I remember I was dying in an explosion. Yet here I am in the flesh more alive than ever!
Fry: Alive?
Hermes: You better tell her, Fry.
Robot Leela: Tell me what?
Hermes: Anyway, my work is done. I'm gonna hit the showers.
Robot Leela: Nibbler, come give mama a hug! Ow! What the-?! Bad Nibbler! Bad Nibbler! What are you doing, pooperdoodle? It's me, Leela.
[Montage: Robot Leela continues screaming and looking at her chewed off arm in front of her locker, while walking down the streets of New New York, while brushing her teeth, and while riding the tube transport system.]
[End Montage: Robot Leela finally stops screaming in the Professor's laboratory, which now has the real Leela, still in a coma, in a glass coffin.]
<Poem>Robot Leela: Am I really just a robot? I mean, I have Leela's memories! Her opinion of gazelles! (Majestic.) Her emotions! (Confused and hurt.)
Fry: I swear. I didn't know this would happen. The only thing I truly know is I love you. I mean her-Wait, help me out here.
Bender: Do the Bender! Do the Bender!
Randy: No thank you.
Bender: I said, "Do it!"
[Cut To: Fry and Robot Leela are sitting at a table in the club. Robot Leela now has white bandages on to hide where the wirings are.]
<Poem>Robot Leela: The truth is, Fry, I still have feelings for you. But are they really my feelings? Am I just an automaton or can a machine of sufficient complexity legitimately achieve consciousness?
Fry: I agree.
Robot Leela: I need some time to figure this out. Until then, friends?
Fry: Okay.
Bender: Listen up, disco dummies, you just flunked outta Bender's College for Party Knowledge!
Bender: Do the back dance! Do the back dance! Ooh...
Farnsworth (V.O.): Good news, everyone...
[Scene: Farnsworth's laboratory]
<Poem>Farnsworth (Cont'D): I'm going to make one final attempt to awaken Leela. After all, there's always hope.
Fry: Really?
Farnsworth: No, don't get your hopes up. Frankly, she's just a brainless mound of scabs and pus.
Fry: Oh! I didn't need to hear that.
Farnsworth: No, and you don't need to see this.
Machine: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
Machine: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!
Farnsworth: Well, that's it. I'm afraid traditional medicine has failed.
Fry: No! I refuse to give up! Wake up, Leela! I! Love! You!
Robot Leela: Fry, stop. She's gone.
Farnsworth: Dr. Zoidberg, can you note the time and declare the patient legally dead?
Zoidberg: Can I? That's my specialty.
Hermes: As you all know, Leela's living will states that in the event of coma, her body is to be fed to the wild Cyclophage, a highly endangered creature that eats only cyclopses.
Bender: Yep, that's what her donor card says.
Fry: Goodbye, my love.
Farnsworth: The beast aproacheth.
Bender: To the beat y'all! To the beat y'all! I'm dancin' a jig wid ma feets y'all!
Amy (Whispering): Bender, cut it out! People are trying to have emotions!
Bender (Angry): You think I wanna party? I'm sick of partying! Woohoo! More partying!
Leela: Bender, shut the hell up!
Farnsworth: Bender, stop shutting the hell up!
Bender: Oh, right. Leela's back. As if I care. Woo.
Leela: Thanks. It's so nice to wake up and see-
Fry: Leela?!
Robot Leela: Leela?
Leela: Leela?
Hermes: Leela.
Leela: How is this possible? And can you believe she wore a tank top to my funeral?
Robot Leela: Shut up! We gotta get outta here!
Leela: No, you "Shut up! We gotta get outta here!"
<Poem>Bender: Ooh, yeah, baby, come on!
Bender: All aboard the party ship!
[Cut To: Both Leelas are fighting over the steering wheel]
<Poem>Leela: There's no room for two captains' butts in this chair!
Robot Leela: There would be if you'd taken a spin class instead of lounging around in a coma!
Leela (V.O.): This is crazy.
Leela: It's like I'm looking at an exact robot duplicate of myself.
Farnsworth: That is what you're looking at.
Leela: Oh. How could you do this, Fry?
Fry: Uh, coma. Sad.
Robot Leela: I have to go! This is just too freaky!
Fry: Don't get upset, Leela. She's nothing like you.
Leela: I have to go! This is just too freaky!
Fry: I need cheering up, Bender. I dunno. You wanna go out and party tonight?
Bender: I hate partying! If only I didn't have so much crunk in my badunkadunk! Ooh, yeah! Come on, babe!
Fry (Sighing): Why does everything I date run away? I love Leela, always and forever. And if I loved Robot Leela, too...
Fry (Cont'D): ...well, that's only 'cause she had so much of real Leela in her. I thought she loved me, too, but, obviously, I was wrong as usual.
Leela: Wrong again. You were right.
Fry: Leela? Leela Leela?
Leela: Leela Leela. I've been thinking, Fry, if I lost you, I don't think I could stand it, either. I'd probably build a copy of you, too. As long as Robo-Leela's not a jealous type like me, thing will wor-
Robot Leela: I'll kill you, you slut-clops! Hee-ya! He's mine!
Leela: Oh, back off, missy!
Amy: Somebody do something! Here, take this.
Fry: A gun?! D-Do I really need to-?
Leela: Shoot her! She's the robot!
Robot Leela: No, shoot her! She's the human!
Fry: But-But how do I know who's the human and who's the robot?
Leela: We just told you!
Robot Leela: Yeah, you idiot!
Fry: Okay. Fine. If you're gonna be like that, I'm not shooting anyone. Whoa! Right between the lungs. Man, that was close.
Fry (Gasps): I'm a robot, too!
Zoidberg: Aha! That explains this growth on your drive shaft.
Robot Fry: But how is this possible?
Farnsworth: Who knows? Oh, I do. Allow me to explain what really happened the day the ship crashed.
Fry: I'll protect you, Leela! My love is stronger than the vast majority of explosions!
Farnsworth (V.O.): Fry did in fact save Leela, though at a terrible cost to himself. I tossed him into the stem cells but he just bubbled away like phlegm on a hot sidewalk.
<Poem>Farnsworth (V.O.): Leela was so upset, she went all Blade Runner and built a duplicate...
Farnsworth (V.O): ...then uploaded his personality from the urinal surveillance tapes.
Fry: I sure love Leela.
Farnsworth (V.O.): Alas, in recreating Fry's adorable jelly belly, she had overstuffed him with copper wadding.
Farnsworth (V.O.): The inevitable static discharged electrocuted Leela and destroyed both of their short-term memories.
Robot Fry: So that's why I'm so amazed by these things I already knew.
Farnsworth (V.O.): What could I do? I hung up Leela with the other bone bags and went to procure the final ingredient for my stem cell brew.
Robot Fry: Professor, my Fry-fro's all frizzy.
Leela: My god, I can't believe I'll never see that particular Fry again.
Fry: Hey, where's my shoes?
Robot Fry: Fry!
Fry: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was already here. Wait, what's with all the Leelas?
Robot Fry: Trust me, don't ask.
Fry: Okay, dork. Listen, I'm gonna hit the urinal, maybe talk about myself a little bit, then-
Robot Leela: Hang on! It's time to sort things out. The truth is I love Fry. That Fry.
Robot Fry: And I love Leela. Any Leela.
Robot Leela: We're robots and we're in love. Let's ditch these meat jackets.
Robot Fry: Whoa, cool!
Robot Fry: Hasta la vista, wiener!
Robot Leela: We'll be back...for our stuff.
Amy: Why did their voices change?
Farnsworth: That's the one thing we'll never truly understand.
Fry: Uh, this is a bit awkward. Or is it?
Leela: I'm not sure. I lost track around the second robot.
Fry: Well, you know how I feel. I waited for you for a thousand years. I can wait a little longer.
Bender: Pffft! What a load of mush! I've had it!
Amy (Gasps): He's gonna blow!
Farnsworth: Party, Bender! Party for your life!
Bender: No chance, hot pants! I'd rather die and kill all of you than party for one more millisecond!
Leela: The cyclops eater!
Bender: Hold on, mac! It ain't like that!
Bender: Geez, what's it take to kill me?
Farnsworth: Bender, you blew out your excess capacity! You're cured!
Bender: Oh, sweet mercy. My hellish nightmare is over. I never have to party again.
Fry: Well, that's that, then. We're back, everyone!
Bender: Party!!
Zapp: Wheeee!


Fry: This is awesome! I've been waiting a thousand years to see a Beastie Boys show.
Bender: Can I get anybody a beer?
Fry: Sure!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, here to lay down some old, old, incredibly old school beats The Beastie Boys!
Beastie Boys: Well now don't you tell to smile, You stick around,, I'll make it worth your while Got numbers beyond what you can dial, Maybe it's because I'm so versatile, Style profile I said, It always brings me back when I hear Wu Child...
Leela: Impressive. They're busting mad rhymes with an 80% success rate.
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical standpoint.
Fry: Will you guys shut up! I'm trying to look cool.
Beastie Boys: ...known for the Flintstone Flop Tammy D gettin' biz on the crop, Beastie Boys know to let the beat...
Mike: Drop! Ow! How's it going? Enjoying the show? Ow! Don't forget to pick up a T-shirt!
Fry: Wow! An old-fashioned mosh pit! Come on, guys. Tonight we're gonna party like its 1999 ... again.
Beastie Boys: Well it's 50 cups of coffee and you know it's on I move the crowd to the break of break of dawn...
Leela: Ow! Hey, watch it!
Fry: Man, these guys rock harder than ever!
Mike: Oh, my...
Mca: It's a mirage...
Ad-Rock: Tellin' you all it's a...
Beastie Boys: Sabotage!
Ad-Rock: Sabotage, yeah!
Mike: Peace, we out!
Fender: Hey, Bender!
Bender: Hey, Fender! Man, I haven't seen you since high school. You still workin' at Jack In The Box?
Fender: Not anymore, baby. I'm with the band!
Mike: Aw! Oh, yeah!
Fender: Hey, fellas, hey. I want you to meet my friends, Bender, Fry and Leela.
Ad-Rock: Y'know, we're really not that interested in meeting them.
Fry: Wow! I love you guys! Back in the 20th century, I had all five of your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven.
Fry: Cool! Can I borrow the new ones? And a couple of blank tapes?
Fender: Hey, Bender, why don't we ditch these organ sacks and hit the real party?
Bender: Count me in! I'm gonna drink till I reboot!
Bender: Hey, what kinda party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker.
Fender: Don't be a drag, man. We're jacking on! Aw, yeah! Wanna jolt?
Bender: Uh, hey, I'm no square but isn't that counter-indicated by my operations manual?
Robot: Counter indicated!
Fender: Come on, Bender, grab a jack. I told these guys you were cool.
Bender: Well, if jacking on'll make strangers think I'm cool, I'll do it!
Fender: Easy, baby. You don't wanna get hooked on this stuff.
Bender: Eh, no need to worry. I don't have an addictive personality.
Fry: Hey, uh, Bender? What are we doing in this bad neighbourhood?
Bender: Shut up, square! I'll just be a minute!
Preacherbot: Wretched sinner unit! The path to robot heaven lies here ... ... in The Good Book 3.0.
Bender: Hey! Do I preach to you when you're lying stoned in the gutter? No! So beat it!
Fry: Who was that guy?
Bender: Your mama! Now shut up and drag me to work!
Hermes: Our electric bill's climbing faster than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone round been wastin' a whole heap a juice! Probably you!
Zoidberg: Me?
Amy: Good morning, Bender.
Bender: None of your business! Get off my back!
Amy: What's his problem?
Leela: If I didn't know better I'd almost think he was abusing electricity.
Fry: Bender? No way! I definitely would've noticed something.
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are you jacking on in there?
Bender: No! Don't come in!
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet!
Bender: Alright, let's get to work! I'll be out in a second.
Fry: I know Big Vinnie said he was giving me the kiss of death but I still think he was gay.
Leela: Did he use his tongue?
Fry: A little. You OK, Bender?
Bender: None of your business! Get off my back!
Leela: Uh-oh. There seems to be some sort of electrical disturbance in the Coalsack Nebula.
Bender: A what kind of disturbance?
Leela: Electrical. Anyway, it's going to take some careful piloting to avoid it.
Leela: We're out of control. We're heading straight into the electric field!
Fry: What's happening? I-I feel weird!
Bender: Come on, universe, you big, mostly empty wuss! Gimmie all the juice you got! Oh, mama!
Bender: What?
Leela: Bender, we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring.
Zoidberg: In fact, that's why we loved you.
Leela: But this electricity abuse crossed the line. You almost killed us.
Fry: And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs and then he sold me my mom's VCR and then later I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend.
Bender: You're right. I'm a lost cause.
Bender: Maybe there's another way.
Bender: Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff. What am I doing? What have I become? Huh?
Preacherbot: I see a lot of fancy robots here today, made of real shiny metal. But that don't impress the Robot Devil, no, sir!
Vergerbot: No, sir!
Preacherbot: 'Cause if you're a sinner, he's gonna plug his infernal modem in the wall, belchin' smoke and flame. And he's gonna download you straight to Robot Hell!
Vergerbot: Straight to hell!
Preacherbot: So I ask you Who will stand up and be saved? Who? Who?
Bender: Me.
Hermes: And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt-water cooler.
Zoidberg: This is a witch hunt!
Bender: Oh, what a beautiful morning, Oh what a beautiful day! (talking) Greetings, friends. Don't we all look nice today?
Fry: Great! He's whacked out on electricity again.
Bender: No, I'm whacked out on life. My friends, I found religion.
Fry: Religion? Is this another scam to get free yarmulkes?
Leela: Give him a break, Fry. If this helps Bender clean up his act then I think we should be supportive.
Farnsworth: Yes.
Amy: Oh, yeah.
Hermes: Oh, yes!
Zoidberg: Oh, yeah.
Bender: Wonderful. Then you'll all come to my exceedingly long, un-air-conditioned baptism ceremony!
Preacherbot: We are gathered here today to deliver brother Bender from the cold, steel grip of the Robot Devil unto the cold, steel bosom of our congregation.
Robot #2: Tell it, Preacher!
Robot #3: That equals true.
Preacherbot: Brother Bender, do you accept the principles of Robotology on pain of eternal damnation in Robot Hell?
Bender: Yes, I do.
Preacherbot: Then I will now baptise you. Press any key to continue.
Bender: Uh, while you're at it, could you touch up this seam?
Leela: This is unbelievable. The old Bender never would have taken us out to dinner.
Bender: The old Bender's gone. He won't trouble you anymore.
Waiter: Would monsieur care to see the wine list?
Bender: No poison for us, thanks. I'll stick with good old mineral oil. Ah! Functional!
Hermes: Mon, I'm hungrier than a green snake in a sugar cane field!
Bender: Friends! Friends! Surely you're not going to eat before we say Robot Grace? In the name of all that is good and logical we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerematic 1000101010101...
Bender: ...0010110012. Amen.
Fry: Does that mean we can eat now?
Bender: Yes. But first, since I love you all so much, I'd like to give everyone hugs. Come here, Fry!
Fry: Oh, uh, but I don't want to.
Bender: Mmm! Mmm! Fry, you're my friend! Come on, everyone line up for a hug. Let's tear down some emotional walls.
Leela: What are you doing to my ship?
Bender: Sanctifying it! There! That ought to convert a few tailgaters.
Fry: Bender's stupid religion is driving me nuts.
Leela: Amen.
Farnsworth: If only he had joined a mainstream religion like Oprah-ism or Voodoo.
Fry: We've got to get the old Bender back.
Leela: And I think I know a way to do it. We have to reacquaint him with a little thing called "sleaze".
Bender: I can't believe somebody hired an interstellar spaceship to deliver a package to Atlantic City. What are we delivering anyway?
Fry: Uh, this.
Bender: Where are we delivering it to?
Leela: Uh, here.
Bender: Another job well done. Now back to the office for an enjoyable evening of fasting and repentance.
Fry: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, Bender. So long as we're here why don't we take in some exotic dancing?
Leela: Hey, great idea!
Bender: But ... those girls don't wear cases. You can see their bare circuits.
Fry: Come on, it'll be fun! Maybe we could even drink a little fortified wine.
Bender: What? Drinking wine is a sin. Even if it is deliciously fortified.
Leela: Hey, Bender, look at that woman's purse. It's hanging by a spaghetti strand.
Bender: Thou shalt not snatch.
Fry: And there's Hookerbot 5000. She's got a heart of solid gold!
Hookerbot: Hey, sailing unit!
Bender: Stop tempting me! For once in my life I have inner peace.
Fry: Pfft! That's for losers. C'mon, sin your heart out.
Leela: Go nuts.
Hookerbot: Live a little.
Woman: Could you hold my purse for a minute?
Fry: Go for it, Bender. You know you wanna!
Bender: Well...
Bender: I'm the greatest. Woo-hoo!
Fry: Look's like we got the old Bender back!
Bender: You know it, pork pie! Except for one thing.
Bender: Y'know, as a major Hollywood director, I'll be holding auditions tonight for my next movie. And even though you're all young and naive, I think you might just have what it takes. Hey! I'm trying to score here! Can't you read the "Do Not Disturb" sign? No! No!
Robot Devil: Greetings, Bender! Welcome to Robot Hell.
Leela: What in hell happened to Bender?
Fry: Well he didn't check out. The ashtray's still here. Look, Nibbler's caught the scent of vodka and motor oil! Go, boy. Follow that stench.
Bender: I'm hallucinating this, right?
Robot Devil: No, Bender. Robot Hell is quite real. Here's our brochure.
Bender: But I don't belong here. I don't like things that are scary and painful.
Robot Devil: Sorry, Bender, you agreed to this when you joined our religion. If you sin you go to Robot Hell, for all eternity.
Bender: Aw, hell- I mean "heck"!
Robot Devil: It's alright, you can say that here.
Fry: Wait! I remember this place. They shut it down after all those people caught salmonella from the flume ride.
Leela: Hmm. Look! It's the symbol of Bender's old religion.
Fry: Unbelievable. It's an actual, factual Robot Hell.
Leela: Who would've thought hell would really exist? And that it would be in New Jersey!
Fry: Actually-
Robot Devil: We know all your sins, Bender. And for each one we've prepared an agonising and ironic punishment. Gentlemen?
Bender: Aw, crap, singing. Mind if I smoke?
Robot Devil: Cigars are evil, You won't miss 'em, We'll find ways to simulate that smell, What a sorry fella, Rolled up and smoked like a panatela, Here on level one of Robot Hell!
Robot Devil: Gambling's wrong and so is cheating, So is forging phoney IOU's, Let's let Lady Luck decide, What type of torture's justified, I'm pit boss here on level two!
Robot Devil: Ooh! Deep-fried robot!
Bender: Just tell me why.
Robot Devil: Please read this 55-page warrant.
Bender: There must be robots worse than I.
Robot Devil: We've checked around, there really aren't.
Bender: Then please let me explain, My crimes were merely boy-ish pranks.
Robot Devil: You stole from boy scouts, nuns and banks!
Bender: Ah, don't blame me, Blame my upbringing!
Robot Devil: Please stop sinning while I'm singing!
Robot Devil: Selling bootleg tapes is wrong, Musicians need that income to survive.
Beastie Boys: Hey, Bender, gonna make some noise, With your hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys! That's whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on level five!
Fry: I don't feel well.
Leela: It's up to us to rescue him.
Fry: Maybe he likes it here in Hell.
Leela: It's us who tempted him to sin.
Fry: Maybe he's back at the motel.
Leela: Come on, Fry, don't be scared, I'm sure at least one of us will be spared, So just sit back, enjoy the ride.
Fry: My ass has blisters from the slide.
Robot Devil: Fencing diamonds, Fixing cockfights, Publishing indecent magazines,
Robot Devil: You'll pay for every crime, Knee-deep in electric slime, You'll suffer till the end of time, Enduring torture's, most of which rhyme, Trapped forever here in Robot Hell!
Robot Devil: Of course, that's just for starters.
Fry: Bender, are you alright?
Bender: No! Oh, they're tormenting me with up-tempo singing and dancing.
Leela: Alright, Beelzebot, what'll it take to get our friend back?
Robot Devil: Sorry, but I hold all the cards here. There's nothing I can do. Now, if you'll just sign this fiddle contest waiver.
Leela: Wait. What fiddle contest?
Robot Devil: The Fairness In Hell Act of 2275 requires me to inform you that if you can best me in a fiddle contest, you win back Bender's soul. As well as a solid gold fiddle.
Fry: Wouldn't a solid gold fiddle weigh hundreds of pounds and sound crummy?
Robot Devil: Well it's mostly for show.
Leela: Do you know how to play the fiddle?
Fry: No. Do you?
Leela: No, but I used to play the drums. They're sorta similar. What happens if we lose?
Robot Devil: You'll only win a smaller, silver fiddle. Also I guess I'll kill one of you, uh, him.
Leela: We'll do it.
Robot Devil: Very well, then. Beat this.
Bender: Well, we're boned.
Robot Devil: Your turn. Ha!
Leela: Time for the drum solo!
Fry: Run!
Robot Devil: Stop them! They cheated!
Leela: Hurry, Bender!
Bender: I could if you'd drop the stupid gold violin!
Leela: Oh, sorry.
Bender: Don't worry, guys, I'll never be too good or too evil again. From now on, I'll just be me.
Leela: Uh, do you think you could be just little less evil than that.
Bender: I don't know. Do you think you could survive a 700ft fall?
Fry: Good old Bender!
Beastie Boys: Yeah, yeah! This one goes out to my man, Bender, Sending this one out, special dedication, To all my peoples in the robot homeworld, Yeah, yeah! Big up with the Professor, My man, Dr. Zoidberg, I'd like to shout out- a personal shout out to Leela, Fry! My man, Bender, Nibber, Nibbler, in the house, Big shout out to all Futurama!


Transition Announcer: And now, The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan! Brought to you by Bartley's Rocket Wax.
Zapp: I wax my rocket every day.
Emperor Chop Chop: No one can save you now, Leela.
Leela Actress: Well, what about Zapp Brannigan?
Emperor Chop Chop: Well, obviously, Zapp Brannigan can save you, but- Zapp Brannigan!
Zapp: So, Emperor Chop Chop, once again we meet at last! Drop that space gun or I'll shoot! Like so!
Leela Actress: Oh, Zapp! Tie me back up and ravish me!
Zapp: I'd like to, Leela. So I will.
Zapp: Ooh, yeah, shake it, baby. Shake it like- I surrender and volunteer for treason!
Kif: Emergency summons from the President, captain.
Zapp: Oh, it's you. Just let me freshen up. Computer, captain's musk.
Zapp: The long dramatic corridor. That's never a good sign.
Scanner: Glove recognized. Proceed, Mrs. Eisenhower.
<Poem>Zapp: Mr. President, what the hell?
Nixon: At ease, Brannigan.
Nixon: What you're about to see is highly classified. Reptillicus, hit the thingy.
Nixon: At 0000 hours, Planet XXX was attacked by a mysterious death sphere.
Zapp: Magnify that death sphere. Why's it still blurry?
Kif: That's all the resolution we have. Making it bigger doesn't make it clearer.
Zapp: It does on CSI Miami.
Nixon: They fought back with advance military hardware, but it was like shooting BB's at Bebe Rebozo.
Zapp: That poor brave hardware.
Nixon: The sphere then fired some kind of hellish blackout ray. Erased that planet like eighteen minutes of incriminating tape.
Zapp: Oh, I just wish I understood why. Why I should care.
Nixon: Because the death sphere is now on course for Earth! Rowrowooooooo!!
Zapp: My god, we're defenseless. Like fish in a barrel.
Nixon: Options?
Zapp: My instinct is to hide in this barrel. Like the wily fish.
Nixon: Then we're down to our last hope. A radical new weapon built by a visionary scientist I once dismissed as crazy.
Farnsworth: Let's see how crazy I am now, Nixon! The correct answer is very.
Nixon: Alright, Professor. Sock it to me!
Farnsworth: Top secret news, everyone! I've developed a tiny one-man stealth fighter that's virtually undetectable.
Zapp: How undetectable?
Farnsworth: It's right in front of you.
Zapp: I find that-OW!-to believe.
Bender: But how exactly is this Happy Meal toy gonna destroy a giant death sphere?
Farnsworth: From within. This ship should be able to sneak undetected through the sphere's one vulnerable opening.
Hermes: What vulnerable opening?
Farnsworth: All death spheres have one vulnerable opening.
Zoidberg: Well, sure, but who's brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a "death sphere"?
Nixon: I say Brannigan.
Zapp: I say no.
Leela: I say me.
Nixon: I say Leela.
Leela: I say yes.
Fry: I say no.
Zapp: I say Leela, too.
Leela: I say yes again.
Zapp: I say I shall join her.
Leela: But it's only a one-man craft...I say.
Zapp: There'll only be one man. Me. How would you feel if I rode rear as your personal tail gunner?
Leela: Creeped out.
Zapp: Then it's decided.
Leela: Are you sure I have to sit in your lap?
Zapp: It'll help us achieve maximum thrust.
Fry: I made you some trail mix for the flight. Also this picture to remember me by.
Leela: You hold on to it. I'll be back soon.
Farnsworth: Activate stealth shielding.
Leela: Liftoff!
Zapp: I'll rodger that.
Fry: Did anyone else feel aroused and jealous and worried?
Bender: I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died.
Leela: Death sphere in range. Engaging holographic targeting. Activating the Force.
The Force: Feel the entrance, Leela. Destination on your left in... zero point three miles.
Zapp: Zapp to Leela look at all that surveillance equipment.
Leela: We better whisper.
Zapp: Switching to pillow talk mode.
Leela: Look. What are those huge letters?
Zapp: "V-GINY?" Doesn't ring a bell.
Farnsworth (V.O.): Hmmm...
Farnsworth: I don't like the looks of this "V-GINY." Does anyone recognize those call letters?
Hermes: Nope. It's not in the Janeway's Guide either.
Farnsworth: Deciphering that ID code is critical. I'll be in the Chamber of Understanding.
Leela: This is it! The moment we should've trained for!
Leela: Holy cr-
Zapp: Incoming yucky!
Leela: Firing pocket rocket!
Zapp: Don't panic, Leela! Go go go go go!
Leela: I hope this is the control stick!
Zapp: Captain's Log We've lost control. Addendum Whoooaa-oooooaa-ooaaaah!!!
Transition Announcer: And now, back to The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan!
Zapp: Chapter Two "The Heat Thickens".
Zapp: Leela, wake up! I can't face this mysterious planet alone without you or someone like you.
Leela: Zapp? Zapp, wake up!
Zapp: Leela? Where are we.
Leela: We crashed on an uncharted planet. When I woke up, I was pinned under this tree. Can you help me?
Zapp: If anyone can move it, I can. No one can move it. Are you hurt?
Leela: No. But I'm so thirsty. This spacesuit is making me sweat like a sow.
Zapp: Me, too. We better strip them off and continue surviving au naturel.
Leela: Uh, I suppose so.
Zapp: Here. We can cover ourselves with these sticky sap-covered leaves. I'll try to avert my eyes from your nudery.
Leela: You will? Eh, what's the point? You'll have to look sooner or later.
Zapp: Well, I promise not to abuse the privilege. For now, I better scout around for food and water and help.
Leela: What a thoughtful and considerate thing to say. What the hell's wrong with you?
Zapp: I'm not quite sure. Perhaps it's the fresh air or a severe head injury. In any case, I'm off.
Leela: If you see any steaks, that'd be good!
Fry: Why isn't Leela back yet? Do you think she's okay?
Bender: How should I know? And how come you never ask if I'm okay? I'm feelin' a little neglected here!
Fry: Oh, sorry. Are you okay, Bender?
Bender: Shut up!
Hermes: What difference does it make? When that death sphere gets to Earth, we'll all be blown to Manwich meat!
Amy: Well, I guess it's time to indulge in some end-of-the-world debauchery. Who's up for an orgy?
Zoidberg: Maybe a Parcheesi tournament.
Farnsworth: Belay that Parcheesi tournament! I've identified the death sphere! We may yet have a faint hope of survival!
Zoidberg: Still, a Parcheesi tournament.
Farnsworth: This is a top secret military satellite launched by the Air Force in 1998.
Farnsworth (Cont'D): And this is a top secret FCC satellite launched that same year to censor indecent TV programs.
Bender: Like The Pimpsons? And Assarama?
Farnsworth: Precisely. However, the satellites collided shortly after launch and were never heard from again.
Zoidberg: I found the board!
Farnsworth: Now, I've simulated that collision using Shrapnovision(?).
Fry: Granted, all that makes perfect sense, but why is this death sphere destroying planets?
Farnsworth: That makes the most sense of all. Look at the planets it's destroyed so far. First came XXX, the nude beach planet. Then Poopiter. €$!#%&" comes on screen.] And finally that world that can't be mentioned in polite company.
Fry: You mean...
Amy: Aw!
Farnsworth: How dare you!?
Amy: Shame on-
Hermes: So the death sphere is "censoring" indecent planets?
Farnsworth: Indeed. And we're next if we can't keep it in our collective pants! Our sole hope is to persuade the people of Earth to abandon their smutty ways.
Amy: So the orgy's off?
Leela: So thirsty. Why couldn't a water fountain have fallen on me?
Zapp: I couldn't find any water. But the moisture in these fruit and nut berries should sustain you.
Leela: Thank you.
Zapp: I climbed perilously high into the trees to pick them, yet I saw no sign of intelligent life.
Leela: Bummer.
Zapp: Moreover, the crash totally destroyed our ship.
Leela: So we're stuck here until someone finds us?
Zapp: Alas, that may never happen. Stealth technology makes the ship impossible to locate yet easy to stub your crotch on.
Leela: Well, there's worse places to be marooned. Plenty of food, mild climate.
Zapp: It's a veritable Garden of Eden.
Leela: It is?
Snake: Hello.
Leela: Did that snake say, "Hello"?
Zapp: No, we're both delirious from dehydration.
Snake: Just like Adam and Eve.
Farnsworth (V.O.): We can still save Earth. People are sure to clean up their act when presented with cold hard facts by rational folks like us.
Farnsworth: The end is near! Repent thy sins!
Sal: I'll thinks it overs while I engages this five dollar hooker.
Fry: Don't do it! It's not worth it!
Petunia: Okay, make it three dollars.
Sal: Yuck! I don't wants no three-dollar hooker. I'm goin' backs to the adults bookstore.
Fry: Adult bookstore? I thought this was the public library.
Bender: Nope, pubic library.
Leela: Zapp? Where are you? Oh, God, I'm actually starting to miss him.
Snake: Maybe you two belong together.
Leela: We do not. And you can't talk.
Snake: Oh, come on! It must be an awful temptation.
<Poem>Zapp: Guess who just killed a woodchuck with his bare feet? I thought I'd whip us up some shelter, make this a little more like home.
Leela: I do miss the Earth terribly. I wonder if it's even still there.
Zapp: Let's find out together. I'll brave the ship's wreckage to fetch you the telescope.
Leela: That's so sweet.
Snake: I'm just sayin' is all.
Farnsworth: I know my new plan is a long shot, but it's the only hope left.
Hermes: Well, now I've heard everything on my eyePod. So, do you have a new plan, Professor, and is there any hope left?
Farnsworth: Indeed. We're here on Earth's last unspoiled acre to show the death sphere there's still purity in the world. Begin transmitting.
Farnsworth: Commence purity chant.
Fry: Hey, I'm proud of you, Bender. Avoiding sin for almost a full minute. Bender?
Bender (V.O.): Aw, yeah, baby. You're quite a dish.
<Poem>Farnsworth: Bender, stop!! STOP!!
Bender: Aw, quiet, you riot. What's the worst that could happen?
Leela (V.O.): No!
Leela: No! Earth is gone! We're the only two humans left in the universe!
Zapp: Oh, God, I'm sorry, Leela.
Leela: Maybe - Maybe this was meant to be. Maybe you and I were meant to build a new world here.
Zapp: We can avoid humanity's mistakes.
Leela: Like the tuba.
Zapp: Yes. We'll be like Adam and Eve.
Leela: Only without the tuba.
Zapp: And we'll beget little Zapp Jr. and Leela Jr. and they'll have kids of their ow-Yecch! Is that really what happened in the Bible?!
Leela: It's a sick and twisted book of holiness all right.
Zapp: Then we'll write our own Bible, with less Sodom and more Gomorra.
Leela: Let's do it. I shall become the mother of a new world, trapped here under this tree. The Tree of Knowledge! Look, it even has apples! Ow! Wow! Come here, Adam, partake of my forbidden fruit.
Zapp: Thee will be done.
Leela: Wait! One more bite before we begin the begetting. Mmm, juicy. Those nut berries you found were so salty, I-I couldn't think straight. I mean, not to belabor it, but they were as salty as that bag of trail mix Fry gave me. Exactly as salty. Hey! Wait a second!
Zapp: Uh...woh...ih...Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiih-I have a terrible confession to make!
Zapp (V.O.): You see, when I first went foraging, what I actually found was the smoldering wreckage of the ship. Ignoring all danger, I charged inside to liberate our provisions.
Leela: So this is the trail mix Fry gave me!
Zapp: Yes! I exaggerated when I said I picked it from the treetops. I just wanted you to think a little better of me.
Leela: Well, your motives were good. And we were both loopy from dehydration. Hey, wait! You've been doing an awful lot of urinating!
Zapp: Ooooooiiiiiiigeeeaaaaaaaaaah, there's plenty of water! You see...
[Flashback: A naked Zapp goes back to the ship taking out an indigo miniature refrigerator full of water bottles and drinks one.]
<Poem>Zapp (V.O.): ...after I selflessly rescued the trail mix, I braved the flames once more in search of fluids.
Leela: Then why didn't you give me any?
Zapp: I though it might help you forget your intense hatred for me if you were a teensy bit delirious.
Leela: So you let me dehydrate while you washed down the trail mix with imported mineral water?
Zapp: Diiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaah, not exactly.
[Flashback: Zapp opens the fridge to reveal that there were many food items including a box of chocolates. He eats one.]
<Poem>Zapp (V.O.): You see, besides the trail mix, the minibar also contained Doritos, beef jerky and a generous assortment of fine chocolates.
Zapp: I wanted to offer you the chocolates, I truly did. But I was concerned about your waistline. Very concerned.
Leela: It's because I haven't been exercising. If only this tree hadn't fallen on me by chance. Oh, dear God!
Zapp: Gluuuuuuuuyiiiiiiiiiiiih, it was just after we crashed!
Zapp (V.O.): I awoke first to find you trapped.
Zapp: Leela. Leela! Wake up!
Leela: You could've moved this grub-infested log anytime you wanted?!
Zapp: Well, sure. But then I wouldn't have been able to provide the loving care you wouldn't have needed.
Leela: I'd leave you to rot in this paradise if only the ship weren't destroyed! The ship's fully functional, isn't it?
Zapp: Ee-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiih, you see...
Zapp (V.O.): ...after re-trapping you and before feigning unconsciousness, I paused to enjoy a cigar. Though mellow and satisfying, it did parch me a bit. So I went in search of brandy. That's when my keen senses detected the still invisible ship.
Zapp: Ow!
Leela: So we can go back to Earth? But there is no Earth anymore! Everyone I know is dead!
Fry: Ah, this seems like a good place to take a dump. Leela? You're alive!
Leela: Fry! But how did you find this planet? Well?
Zapp: Oooheeeeeeaaaaiiiiiiih, we're actually on Earth! The ship's homing device brought us back!
Leela: But I saw Earth explode!
Zapp: I'm actually kinda proud of this one. You see...
Zapp (V.O.): What you saw was merely a simulation I rigged up using the ship's holographic targeting projector. The alleged telescope was a toilet paper tube.
Leela: You said there wasn't any toilet paper! And that humanity was annihilated!
Zapp: My motives were pure! I just wanted you think we had to save humanity so you'd be willing to have sex. Please say you believe me.
Leela: Yes. I believe you.
Fry: Yay!
Bender: There must be somethin' to steal on this island. Hey, it's Leela!
<Poem>Leela: Let's go home, everybody. At least the Earth wasn't destroyed. Yet.
V-Giny: People of Earth, hear the righteous word of the Mighty V-GINY!
Bender: The Mighty V-GINY!
V-Giny: Seeing you frolic in this unspoiled garden gives hope that this world may yet be redeemed.
Farnsworth: Huzzah! The purity chant worked!
V-Giny: Unacceptable wardrobe malfunction! I was referring to Adam and Eve.
Leela: We're not Adam and Eve. You see, due to a series of-
V-Giny: Consummate your union or I shall destroy Earth!
Leela: Well, if it's to save Earth, I-I guess I could take one for the team.
Zapp: You what? R-Right now? Eh, but I need a little romance, first. Maybe a vanilla candle or something.
V-Giny: Commence intercourse.
Zapp: The giant guns are making me feel sort of...inadequate. I'm not sure if I could-
Leela: Move it! I gotta get home and do laundry!
Fry: For God's sake, censor it!!! CENSOR IT!!!
V-Giny: Approved for all audiences!!
Fry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Transition Announcer: And now, the spicy finale of The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan!
Zapp: That was a close call but we saved Earth. Was it as good for you as it was for the human race?
Leela Actress: Oh, Zapp, let's save another planet right now!


Poopenmeyer: As mayor, it is my deeply tedious pleasure to kick off the 83rd or 84th Annual e-Waste Recycling Festival!
Bender: Down in front!
Zoidberg: Sorry, I get aroused in crowds.
Poopenmeyer: I will now throw out the ceremonial first dump this old inefficient vote rigger!
[Cut To: Farnsworth and Hermes carry a box labeled "Old Doomsday Devices" to the bin]
<Poem>Farnsworth: These old doomsday devices are dangerously unstable. I'll rest easier not knowing where they are.
Leela: So long, overly complicated Japanese toilet!
Toilet: Please. I not to throw away. I give you, uh, Happy Poopie Time.
Fry: Sorry, you know too much.
Bender: Seems like a good place to ditch some evidence. Flexo?! What are you doin' in a hazardous wastebin?
Flexo: Haven't you heard? Us bending units are dangerously outdated. We overheat, we're radioactive, we cause erectile dysfun-
Farnsworth: Who were you talking to?
Bender: No one? Your mama? Shut up? Take your pick.
Scoop Chang: Scoop Chang, New New York Times Online Podcast blog comments editor. Mr. Mayor, isn't this e-waste dangerous?
Poopenmeyer: Not at all, Scoop. Not after it's hauled off to the Third World by an expendable team of minimum-wage nobodies.
Farnsworth: Good news, nobodies!
Antarian #1: Greetings, my friends. It shan't take long to strip down your clunker.
Leela: There's nothing wrong with our clunker.
Antarian #1: Really? Because we can smelt out the deadly, deadly chromium to make rat poison and artificial sweeteners.
Leela: No, thanks. We're delivering e-waste.
Antarian #1: Pity. We're halfway done.
Antarian #2: This thing is 40% chromium.
Antarian #1: Gentle now. Gentle with the hover dumpster.
Antarian #1: Ready for processing!
Fry: What smells like bloody sinuses?
Antarian #1: We burn your e-waste down to the usable metals, safely releasing the toxins into our air and drinking water.
Leela: Uch! That's the worst thing I've ever seen!
Antarian #1: Really? Then don't look over there. Okay, kids, let's play Find the Shiny!
Leela: That's even more horrific! Is all the work done by children?
Antarian #1: No. Not the whipping.
[Scene: Exterior shot of the Planet Express building.]
[Scene: Interior shot of the Planet Express living room. Fry and Bender are on the couch, Leela is standing up, while everyone else is sitting at the table.]
<Poem>Leela: Granted, we later learned some positive things about recycling. But a better solution is to use our electronics as long as possible, instead of throwing them out in the first place. I'm gonna start by keeping my old cell phone, even if it is outdated.
Phone: Hello, Miss Turanga, your call to St. Louis has gone through.
Bender: Well, let's at least throw this TV out. The batteries in the remote are gettin' low.
Leela: No! Put that back and turn it on!
Bender: I was just tryin' to help.
Morbo: More on this breaking puff piece after a word from our sponsor.
Announcer: WIth the new eyePhone, you can watch, listen, ignore your friends, stalk your ex, download porno on a crowded bus, even check your E-mail while getting hit by a train. All with the new eyePhone.
Mom (V.O.): From Mom.
Leela: A new eyePhone? Forget this junk.
Phone: Well, this is a fine howdoyoudo.
Hermes: So long.
Fry: Sayonara.
Amy: Buh-bye.
Zoidberg: Good riddance.
Bender: Yep.
Farnsworth: Toodle-oo!
Leela: Come on! Let's buy some eyePhones on line!
Fry: Wait. I thought we were buying our eyePhones online.
Leela: We are on line.
Fry: But I thought the Mom Store was across town.
Amy: It is across town.
<Poem>Fry: But I thought-
Bender: Stop thinking, Fry!
Fry: I feel like a mindless zombie. I wish I knew how long we've been waiting.
Beeler: The eyePhone has an app for that!
Bender: Is there an app for kissin' my shiny metal ass?
Beeler: Several!
Bender: Ooooooh!
Farnsworth: Oh, no! The light! I guess I'm off to Hell.
Hermes: That's the store, Professor.
Farnsworth: Eh-wha?
Amy: Shwow! It's that obscure underground song that's constantly playing everywhere.
Mom: Hello, dearies. Welcome to the Mom Store. The new eyePhones are in short supply, so please form an orderly-
Bender: Outta the way!
Fry: Are there any left?
Salesman: There may be one.
Salesman: Okay, it's $500, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can't hold a charge and the reception isn't very-
Fry: Shut up and take my money!!
Mom: The new eyePhone is wonderful. I use it to check recipes and send threatening e-mails to unauthorized third party app developers.
Fry: Say, you're from one of those ethnicities that knows about technology. Why's it called an eyePhone?
Salesman: I'll explain after I install it.
Fry: Neat.
Salesman: Now for the earpiece.
Mom: But my favorite app is called "Twitcher". Twitcher lets you send and receive short messages or videos called "twits". Why, here's a twit now.
Larry: Hi, Mom, I love you more than Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar-
Eyephone: Low battery.
Mom: But don't take my word for it. Unbiasedreviews.mom says, "Twitcher is the Killer App!"
Mom: And when I say, "killer app", I mean, "KILLER app!"
Announcer: And now, another downloadisode of "The Real Housewives of Sim City"!
Sims Woman: She needs to reset. I'll say it to her face.
Fry: No wonder traditional media is dead! Check out this webisode of Hypnotoad.
Bender: Enjoy your outdated format, Grandpa. Nowadays, cool kids like me mash up our own phoneisodes.
Calculon: It's from the kidnappers. My nephew is alive and he's...in this envelope.
Calculon'S Nephew: They cut off one of my dimensions!
Calculon: No. No!
Bender: Oh, my God! It's Bender! He'll save us!
Fry: What's happening to me? Is it puberty?
Bender: It's a phone call, dingus.
Fry: These eyePhones are phones, too?
Bender: Duh!
Fry: Fry-lo.
Leela: Hi, Fry. Did you know these eyePhones are phones, too?
Fry: Duh. Hey, is it safe to talk while you're flying?
Leela: Oh, totally. This thing's hands-free. That's how I can eat this taco and this spaghetti.
Leela: I'm hanging up now.
Bender: Hey, check out this Internet video of some idiot crashing her spaceship!
Leela: You recorded that?
Bender: The eyePhone records everything. All I did was add a laugh track and twit it to my 10,000 followers.
Fry: Oh, that reminds me. It's time to twit my hourly twupdate. 'Sup, followers? Fry here. Burpin' eggs. Scratchin' my underarm fungus. Lookin' for love. Send.
Larry: Underarm fungus? Too much informatio- OW!
Mom: It's exactly the right amount of information! For years, I've collected personal data with old-fashioned methods like spybots and infosquitoes.
Infosquito: This guy sure loves porno.
Mom: But now, thanks to Twitcher, morons voluntarily spew out every fact I need to exploit them.
Walt: Target acquired, Mother.
Mom: Fire direct marketing algorithm!
Man: Do you suffer from the heartbreak of...?
Fry'S Voice: "-my underarm fungus."
Man: Then, you, Mr. or Mrs. ..., need the soothing relief of Mom's Caustic Anti-Fungal Bleach!
Fry: Ooh, can I somehow charge it to my eyePhone for an additional fee?
Mom (V.O.): Hell, yes!
Ad: Hey, fatso, stuffa you face!
Hermes: This thing always seems to know when I get the munchies! Attention followers It's Free Topping Day at the pizza place across the street! Send.
Leela: Duh. That's why we all came over here for lunch. Send.
Bender: Greetings, followers This is Day Five of my solo kayak journey around the world. Send. Can you believe 50,000 idiots swallow that crap? Send. Oops.
Fry: You have 50,000 followers? I only have three. Send.
Leela: I unsubscribed yesterday.
Bender: I got the most followers cuz I give the people what they want, like this video of you doin' karate in your underpants.
Fry: Help! Police!
Bender: Send.
Fry: That is low, Bender. Even by your standards.
Bender: My what, now?
Fry: Since when is the internet about robbing people of their privacy?
Bender: August 6, 1991.
Fry: I'll bet I can get as many followers as you without sinking to your level. What do you say? First one to a million followers wins a buck.
Bender: You're on! Send.
Fry: What happens to the loser?
Bender: Let's make it interesting.
Amy: Splech! Why is Mr. Chunks doing that?
Bender: Because the loser of our bet has to do a double somersault into a tub of alien goat vomit.
Fry: Wait! Let's make it interestinger! Vomit and diarrhea!
Bender: Good idea! That way, we don't waste an end!
Leela: Eg, it's putrid! What do you feed him?
Bender: What comes out one end we feed to the other. Also Indian food. Let the contest begin!
[Montage: We see a "Twit Meter" with two thermometers and follower counters, one for Bender, who currently has 50,000 followers, and one for Fry, who currently has only 37. We see a video being recorded of Farnsworth doing an experiment with Diet Solarmanite and Mentos. He drops all the Mentos in the drink, it explodes. Literally. He ends up setting himself on fire. It is revealed that Bender was the one recording that. As a result, his Twit Meter goes up to 200,000 followers. Next, we see Fry recording a video in front of a whiteboard with "My Politicle Views Part 56 Tariffs" on it. We don't hear what he's saying. As a result, his Twit Meter goes down to 19 followers. Next we see Amy in front of the same whiteboard wearing a bikini and pumps. Again, we see that Bender is recording that video. His Twit Meter goes up to 800,000 followers.]
[Scene: Interior shot of Mom's office. Mom is watching the Twit Meters on her computer.]
<Poem>Mom: Amazing. Some dumb bastard has nearly a million other dumb bastards following his every twit. Are you dumb bastards listening to me, you dumb bastards?
Igner: Why are you so angry, Mommy?
Mom: Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a little nervous about my evil plan. YOU DUMB BASTARDS!!! You see, the plan is about to enter phase two. As soon as someone reaches a million followers, I'll use them to transmit...the Twitworm!
Walt: Oh, Mother, you devious hag, tell us more about this "Twitworm".
Mom: It's a very special computer virus, for instead of infecting computers, it infects...the human brain!
Infosquito: I like it!
Mom: The million followers will become an army of zombies eager to obey my every command!
Larry: The important thing is we're a family.
Mom: NO IT'S NOT!
Amy: Ew! He sneezed in it!
Fry: Oh, God, I'm gonna lose the bet! I'm gonna have to swim in the juice of the puke-me-poop-yu!
Amy: Don't give up. You just need more titillating twits.
Fry: Trust me, I want twits that tittle.
Leela: Then you're gonna have to sink to Bender's level. Stop acting like the Queen of England.
Female Voice: La la la la la la la!
Fry: Whose that? The Queen of England?
Leela: Uh, e-e-excuse me. I have to...someplace.
Fry: That was odd. Where'd that singing come from?
Amy: It wasn't the goat. All of its orifices are in use.
Female Voice: I dreamed a dream in time gone by...
Leela And Female Voice: When hope was high and life worth living. I dreamed that love would never die.
Susan: I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Fry: What the hell is that?
Leela: Nothing.
Susan: I'm not nothing! All my life, everyone's called me, "nothing"!
Fry: You have a boil on your butt that sings showtunes with you?
Leela: Don't look at me! I'm a freak!
Fry: No, no. Well...
Leela: I've been ashamed of Susan as long as I can remember.
Fry: You named your boil Susan?
Susan: A boil cannae have a name. He also said a boil cannae sing. But... Amazing grace, how-
Fry: Ew, she's Scottish!
Leela: I lance her every few months, but she always grows back. It's hard enough being a cyclops, but if anyone found out about Susan, I'd be devastated.
Susan: Amazing grace, how-
Fry: Woah, gross. Million follower gross.
Leela: Fry, delete that! Delete that right now!
Fry: What? Oh. Okay.
Bender: So much for a pleasant swim in vomit.
Fry: Send
Leela: Did you delete it?
Fry: Eh.
Leela: Thanks, Fry. You're a good friend.
Fry: Ih.
Susan: Amazing grace, how-
[Scene: New New York, a construction site. Sal and Hoschel are watching the video on their eyePhones on their lunch break. They laugh.]
<Poem>Hoschel: Hey, there she goes in the jen-you-ine! Let's get ta hootin'! HOOOOOOOOOO!
Sal: Whoa-whoa-whoas! If it ain'ts the world's number ones internet sensation!
Leela: Where? Also, what?
Susan (V.O.): Ama-
Susan (V.O.): -zing grace, how
Hermes: Play it one more time!
Farnsworth: No! It's humiliating and degrading to Leela! Play it ten more times!
Fry: I know I shouldn't have twitted that but not swimming in barf might ease my conscience.
Zoidberg: But if Leela should find out, her dignity sac will rupture.
Fry: That's why we can't let her see this. Leela, lock the doors so Leela doesn't-EEEEE!
Leela: How could you do this?!!
Amy: Poor Mr. Chunks. At least he died doing what he loved.
Bender: He's in a better place now.
<Poem>Scruffy: There. I turned a regular board into a divin' board. Mm-hmm.
Farnsworth: Impending news, everyone! We're about to learn the winner of the bet!
Bender: Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! I hope it's me!
[Scene: Interior shot of the Planet Express meeting room. Bender, Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy, Fry, and Farnsworth are gathered around watching the Twit Meter on the holographic projector. Each counter keeps growing and growing in followers.]
<Poem>Bender: Wait a minute! There's a chance I could lose? That wasn't part of the deal!
Hermes: Sweet Georgia Brown of Kingston Town! It's a tie! Since no one lost, no one has to jump!
Bender: Alright, a tie! I win again!!
Fry: Oh, I'm a scuzzball.
Zoidberg: Don't feel bad. At least you're not Leela.
Mom: A tie? This worked out better than I could have hoped! Now I'll have two million zombies!
Walt: Actually, Fry and Bender may share some of the same followers. All we can say for sure is that there will be between one million and two million zombies.
Mom: All I can say for sure is... Now stop getting slapped and power up the Twitworm!
Hoschel: It's both disgusting and inspiring, like Jared from Subway.
Leela: Okay, I'm a freak with a singing butt boil, but I'm still a human being more or less.
Sal: Singin' butts boil? That's yesterday'ses news.
Hoschel: Like that giant caterpillar what ate Jared from Subway.
Sal: Nows us internet geeks gots a whole new video sensation.
Leela: So my humiliation is over?
Sal: Who are you?
Mom: And now, to create an unstoppable army of between one and two million zombies!
Igner: Uh, shouldn't you wait for the weather to clear up?
Mom: No! I give you...the Twitworm! Send.
Fry: Aaah! I'm sick of my head doing things! Leela!
Leela: Fry, I came to talk to you.
Fry: No, I came to talk to you.
Leela: It looked like you were just sitting there, but whatever.
Fry: I am so, so sorry for what I did. And I know I can never make it up to you.
Leela: You don't have to apologize. In fact, I came to thank you.
Fry: I think you mean hit me.
Leela: Everyone knows my secret, but no one cares. I have nothing to hide anymore. Oh, Fry, thanks to your selfish rudeness, a terrible weight has been lifted from my heart!
Susan (V.O.): That's not the only place you need a terrible weight lifted!
Leela: Susan and I are agreed. For the first time in our lives, we're not ashamed of who we are.
Susan (V.O.): I was never ashamed.
Leela: Come here. What stinks? Were you rolling around in New Jersey?
Fry: Leela, I knew I could never make it up to you, so I did the next best thing. I put myself through the same humiliation I put you through.
Leela: Aw, you didn't have to do that.
Fry: I didn't? Damn.
Leela: Don't worry. By tomorrow, no one will remember.
Fry: Can I have another hug?
Leela: No.
Susan (V.O.): Oh, hold yer nose an' give it a go!
Mom (V.O.): Introducing the all new eyePhone 2.0!
Mom: Dumb bastards.