Announcer: Futurama is brought to you by ... ... Glagnar's Human Rinds. It's a buncha muncha cruncha human!
Leela: Aww! Somebody likes snouts.
Fry: Is it me?
Bender: Ow, my head! My precious head! Stupid can opener. You killed my father and now you've come back for me!
Fry: You alright, Bender?
Bender: Yeah, I guess so. But I don't see why we keep this ticking time-bomb around just for that dumb animal.
Leela: Don't yell at Nibbler like that. You hurt his feelings. Come on, pet him and make up.
Bender: No.
Leela: I said pet him.
Bender: I'll pet him. I'll pet him with both hands! Ow! My ass! Get off!
Leela: Are you alright?
Bender: Ah, it's nothing a lawsuit won't cure.
Leela: Not you. Aww, poor baby chipped a fang.
Bender: Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't see anyone kissing it.
Zoidberg: Alright, I'm coming.
Jeffery: Remember, Rover gets the pill and Pepper gets the suppository. Next.
Jeffery: It's just a simple broken fang, nothing serious.
Bender: What's that you say there, doctor? You're gonna have to put him down?
Jeffery: No- What? Huh?
Bender: Terrible shame that. Shall I do the honours?
Leela: No!
Bender: You about done?
Leela: Next time I'm keeping it.
Jeffery: OK, well I believe I have a replacement fang for your pet in the next room. The jaguar didn't wanna cooperate but luckily he knocked one of my teeth out. Now then.
Fry: Hey, what are these rings in Nibbler's fang?
Jeffery: Um, I'm still a little woozy from a gazelle kick this morning but if he's anything like the common tree, the rings might indicate his age.
Fry: Yeah, well, good luck. It'd take some kind of genius to count all those rings.
Jeffery: He's five.
Farnsworth: Happy birthday, young Nibbler.
Leela: Aww, look how cuddly he looks in his new cape!
Bender: I'd be cuddly too if someone gave me a new cape.
Fry: Who's playing pin the tail on the moon maggot?
Bender: Ooh, me! Everyone watch how good I am. And the crowd goes wild! What prize do I get? Cash?
Amy: Hey, look at Nibbler!
Hermes: Aww, he's holding a spoon.
Zoidberg: He's so talented!
Bender: You call that talent? Gather round old Bender and get ready for the show of a lifetime. Ta-da!
Hermes: Now he's wearing a hat!
Leela: Come on, let's all sing Happy Birthday!
All: What day is today? It's Nibbler's birthday, What a day for a birthday, Let's all have some cake.
Fry: And you smell like one too!
Bender: Hey, what about this?
Leela: Bender, I thought you were supposed to be cooking for this party.
Bender: Fine, we'll have rack of Nibbler.
Leela: Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of it, make sure you put them in after you cook it.
Bender: So it's a cake you want, is it? I'll make you a cake you'll never forget.
Bender: That'll take care of those annoying rats. Now, to bake a cake so delicious they'll have no choice but to love and worship me.
Bender: There! This'll teach those filthy bastards who's lovable. Now all I have to do is spell check it and it's ready for my admiring public. No! Get away from there! That's it.
Bender: Happy birthday!
Leela: Bender, what's going- No!
Bender: Hey! Can't you see I'm using the toilet?
Amy: Bender! How could you flush Nibbler down the toilet?
Bender: Well, step one, I had to lift the seat. That was the first little annoyance. Am I right, men?
Leela: Aren't you upset at all? How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toilet?
Bender: Only one way to find out.
Leela: You have no sympathy for anyone else's feelings.
Bender: Of course I do. Right now I feel sorry for you.
Leela: You do?
Bender: Yeah. I mean, one cantaloupe-sized bloodshot eye? You ain't winning no beauty pageants, lady.
Farnsworth: And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place where I too hope one day to go The toilet.
Leela: I wouldn't feel so bad if Bender just understood the pain he caused me.
Calculon: Give it to me straight, doctor, don't sugarcoat it.
Doctorbot: Very well. Your entire family died when a plane piloted by your fiancée crashed into your uninsured home. And you have inoperable cancer.
Bender: Bet you weren't expecting that one, Calculon!
Amy: It's like he doesn't understand simple humanoid emotion.
Leela: I wish just once Bender could feel exactly what I feel.
Farnsworth: Actually, through the miracle of science, that can be arranged.
Fry: Uh-oh. Is this gonna be another crazy experiment that crosses a line Man was not meant to cross?
Linda: The official death toll in that tragic rocket crash has now been raised to 54,000.
Bender: Hey, what the hell are you doing with my head?
Farnsworth: I need to tinker in it.
Bender: Why don't you just use a potted plant like Fry?
Farnsworth: Quiet, you. I'm installing an empathy chip.
Fry: And that'll allow Bender to feel other people's emotions?
Farnsworth: Yes. If by "allow" you mean "force".
Bender: Ooh! Ow! Son of a- Careful with that! Ow...
Farnsworth: Oh, dear. Oh, my. I got it. Once more.
Bender: Ow! Professor!
Farnsworth: Steady now.
Bender: Ow!
Farnsworth: There we go. Now I'll simply tune it to Leela's emotional frequency.
Bender: My God! I'm overcome with ... feelings. I'm experiencing a powerful yearning to ... to cram my gullet full of mackerel heads.
Zoidberg: That's me, baby!
Farnsworth: Hmm.
Bender: Now I'm worried that I'm not as smart as Leela, but at the same time I feel relieved that I'm cuter than her.
Amy: Uh ... that's me.
Fry: Thanks for covering.
Bender: This time I miss Nibbler and I'm feeling nosy and opinionated.
Amy: Bingo!
Hermes: That's Leela!
Leela: Thank you, Professor. I'm happy that Bender can finally feel my pain.
Bender: Happy. I like this feeling. Just don't revert to your usual mopey self.
Leela: I'm not mopey. You shut up!
Bender: Anger, huh? How dare you make me feel anger, you one-eyed jerk with a dead pet!
Leela: Thanks for taking me out, Amy. I feel slightly less miserable already.
Amy: Hey, you know what'd cheer you up? You should get a puppy.
Leela: A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies.
Fry: What's your problem?
Bender: I miss Nibbler.
Fry: You do?
Bender: Hell, no! It's Leela's stupid feelings. Why can't she just drink herself happy like a normal person?
Bender: Uh-oh, jealousy. You think you're so hot!
Fry: What?
Bender: The only reason you get all the guys is because you dress like a tramp!
Fry: They're just responding to my personality.
Amy: Um, Leela? Armando and I are going to the back seat of his car for coffee. You gonna be alright here by yourself?
Leela: Sure. I'm having a great time - really. You two go enjoy yourselves.
Bender: I'm so lonely. I'm gonna go eat a bucket of ice cream. A bucket of-
Fry: The spoon's in the foot powder.
Bender: I'm at the end of my rope. I can't live another minute without poor, sweet Nibbler.
Fry: Too bad he wasn't an alligator. Y'know, when you flush those things, they stay alive in the sewers.
Bender: Really?
Fry: Yep. My friend's cousin's caseworker saw one once. It's a widely-believed fact.
Bender: Hmm, sewers. Thinking, thinking, thinking.
Bender: Hang on, Nibbler. Uncle Bender's coming to save you. Damn, it's too small. What did those human design this for anyway? Aha! Bender, one; toilet, zero! See you on the other side!
Fry: Bender? Bender?
Fry: Have you seen my sombrero?
Leela: Now he's flushed himself down the toilet? Who's he gonna flush next?
Fry: Hey, it's your fault. He only flushed himself because your emotions made him feel bad.
Leela: You're right. I feel terrible.
Fry: Oh, great, now you're making him feel worse!
Leela: I guess we'd better go down into the sewers and look for him.
Amy: Are you crazy? There's mutants down there! They'll eat you alive.
Zoidberg: They're hideous!
Leela: There's no such thing as mutants. That's a ridiculous urban myth.
Farnsworth: Oh, don't be so sure. Many scientists believe humans really could mutate down there. Uh, due to exposure to toxic waste and radioactive run-off and good old American faeces!
Fry: God bless America.
Fry: Phew! Uh, ladies first.
Fry: Oh, and the aftertaste!
Leela: What is it?
Fry: I burned my finger.
Leela: OK, check the guidebook.
Fry: Looks like we're under Park Avenue. Ooh, ritzy! Just think All this was probably once a charity luncheon for the Met.
Leela: Wait, what's that?
Bender: I never should have thrown out the manual.
Leela: Bender, you didn't have to come down here.
Bender: I know. But I just missed Nibbler so much.
Leela: He was so cute.
Bender: He was so sweet.
Fry: Eck! This emotional display is making me nauseous. Or maybe it's whatever that is.
Leela: Nibbler?
Bender: Nibbler?
Leela: It's no use. We'd better turn back. Which way, Fry?
Fry: Hmm. According to this map, the only way out is through ... that pipe. Don't worry. It gets wider after about a mile.
Leela: Idiot.
Bender: Idiot.
Fry: OK, OK, never mind. I'll just ask those people for directions.
Leela: Mutants!
Leela: Mutants! They're real!
Fry: I'll take care of this! Back! Back!
Vyolet: Thanks, handsome.
Dwayne: Please, do not be frightened, we're harmless.
Raoul: I have three arms.
Dwayne: I said "harmless" not "armless".
Vyolet: Lay off him. You know he's only got one ear.
Fry: Hey, aren't you supposed to be eating our brains? You're mutants.
Dwayne: Mutants? Perhaps it is you who are the mutants.
Vyolet: Please, Dwayne, have you looked in a mirror lately?
Raoul: Welcome to our village. It may not be Paris but it has a certain quaint charm that I, for one, wouldn't trade for the world.
Bender: You guys realise you live in a sewer, right?
Dwayne: Perhaps. But perhaps your civilisation is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you.
Leela: No, we're on the top.
Fry: Daylight and everything.
Vyolet: It must be wonderful.
Bender: Eh.
Leela: Listen. We actually came down here to find our pet, Nibbler. He got flushed down the toilet.
Raoul: Well if he got flushed down the toilet he probably came through here. Everything always does. Follow me. All that is ours was once flushed down your toilets. Over there is our aquarium. This is our library.
Bender: Nothing but crumpled porno and Ayn Rand.
Raoul: And over here is our church.
Fry: Wow. You guys worship an unexploded nuclear bomb?
Vyolet: Yeah, but nobody's that observant. It's mainly a Christmas and Easter thing.
Leela: Nibbler?
Bender: Come to Daddy, sweetie-ookums.
Fry: So, is it true that alligators flushed down the toilet survive down here?
Vyolet: No. That's just an urban legend.
Bender: Then what are those?
Vyolet: Crocodiles.
Raoul: We keep them as pets. Then, when they grow too large, we flush them down into the sub-sewer.
Dwayne: Some say there's a freakish race of sub-mutants down there.
Vyolet: Please, that's just a sub-urban legend.
Dwayne: Oh? Then I suppose you also don't believe in ... ... El Chupanibre.
Leela: El Chupanibre? What's that?
Dwayne: Gather round, children, for the legend of El Chupanibre. (singing) He creeps and crawls in the midnight hush, Silent as a low-flow toilet flush, Watch your step, 'Cause sooner or later, He'll eat you whole, And half your alligator.
Vyolet: Crocodile.
Dwayne: Whatever.
Leela: Wait. Our pet Nibbler loves fresh crocodile. It's his favourite treat. He must be El Chupanibre.
Bender: Hey, yeah!
Raoul: You unleashed the dreaded El Chupanibre upon us? Then you are our sworn enemies.
Leela: You don't understand. He would never hurt people. Let us help you capture him.
Dwayne: Impossible. If the legend is true, our only hope is to offer him a snack-rifice.
Raoul: Yes. An unspoiled virgin.
Leela: I volunteer.
Vyolet: Nice try, Leela, but we've all seen Zapp Brannigan's webpage.
Bender: Oh, I made myself feel bad.
Raoul: She'll have to do. Chain her to the post! And rip her shirt a little. Behold. When El Chupanibre comes for the, uh, "virgin", he will be snared by this rope trap.
Dwayne: Shh. El Chupanibre comes soon. It is nightfall.
Leela: Nightfall? How can you tell down here?
Dwayne: The tide is coming in.
Vyolet: Quiet! The beast approaches.
Bender: Nibbler! Aw, come here, precious! Look, everyone, it's El Chupanibre.
Dwayne: That's not El Chupanibre.
Bender: Say what?
Dwayne: That's El Chupanibre.
Fry: I'll take care of this.
Leela: Bender, do something.
Bender: I'm too scared.
Fry: Leela, your scaredness is being transmitted straight to Bender. If you care about Nibbler, stop caring about him!
Leela: I can't. I love every living creature.
Fry: Even me?
Leela: As a friend.
Fry: Damn.
Bender: Listen to me, Leela I'm an expert at not caring. The secret is to stop giving a rat's ass about anyone else and start thinking of the things that you want, that you deserve, that the world owes you.
Leela: Well, I could use a new tank top.
Bender: Bigger! Bigger!
Leela: A fashionable tank top. And designer boots ... encrusted with jewels.
Bender: Don't stop now, you'll need some pants to go with that outfit.
Leela: Yeah. And I could afford it all if I didn't have to feed that stupid Nibbler.
Bender: Bender is back. I'll save you, Nibbler.
Fry: Bender's gonna be killed!
Leela: You know what else I could use? A weekend at one of those fancy spas. And a Toblerone.
Fry: Yeah!
Leela: You did it!
Raoul: Let's have a tissue-tape parade!
Bender: No, thanks!
Dwayne: Gather round, children, to hear the legend of Bender. (singing) He came from above with a- (talking) It's gonna be many a year before someone flushes another guitar string.
Farnsworth: That was a disgusting story.
Leela: And it's all thanks to Bender. I love you, Bender.
Bender: I love you too. Get that stupid chip out of me before I kill myself!
Farnsworth: Bender, you won't believe this, but the empathy chip burned out. The emotion you felt for Nibbler was actually your own.
Fry: Looks like Bender learned an important lesson about respecting other people's feelings afterall.
Farnsworth: No, I'm wrong. The empathy chip was running at triple capacity.
Bender: And I still barely felt anything. Goodnight, losers!
Leela: You know, Bender may not have learned anything from me, but I think I actually learned something from him. So long, jerkwads!
Farnsworth: So long!


Fry: Hmm. Horsey to pointy guy six. Check.
Bender: Hmm. Get him, boys!
Fry: Good move.
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. We have a mission to further the noble cause of intergalactic peace.
Bender: Nope. Watching cartoons.
Fry: Sorry.
Leela: What's the mission?
Farnsworth: It's a delivery for the Democratic Order Of Planets.
Fry: DOOP? What's that?
Farnsworth: It's similar to the United Nations from your time, Fry.
Fry: Uh...
Hermes: Or like the Federation from your Star Trek programme.
Fry: Oh!
Farnsworth: Tonight is the ribbon-cutting for the DOOP's new headquarters.
Leela: What are we delivering?
Farnsworth: Something without which no ribbon-cutting ceremony could proceed. The ceremonial oversized scissors.
Leela: We'll get them there as quickly as we can.
Farnsworth: Alright, but don't run with them.
Fry: Wow! There's a million aliens. I've never seen anything so mind-blowing. Ooh, a reception table with muffins!
Glab: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the ribbon-cutting ceremony of the DOOP's magnificent new headquarters. A fitting home for an organisation that has fostered peace throughout the universe. Even between the Insectoids and the Space Lizards.
Fry: So, what's it like on planet Amazonia?
Amazonian: Big rats there. Me crush with club.
Fry: That's so interesting. Maybe we could get to know each other over a coffee.
Glab: I can think of no better place for this centre of diplomacy than here in orbit around the Neutral Planet. What are your thoughts on this momentous occasion, Your Neutralness?
Neutral President: I have no strong feelings one way or the other.
Zapp: I hate these filthy Neutrals, Kif. With enemies you know where they stand but with Neutrals, who knows? It sickens me. Halt. Why, Leela, I do believe we've met.
Bender: He means you guys did it.
Leela: If you don't mind, we're here to deliver the scissors for the ribbon-cutting.
Zapp: Then you're under arrest.
Leela: What for?
Zapp: How do I know these scissors aren't part of some Neutral plot?
Leela: But they're not even sharp. Who could I possibly hurt with them?
Zapp: The Yarn People of Nylar 4? So, a plan to assassinate a weird-looking alien with scissors. How very Neutral of you.
Leela: What?
Zapp: It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot one thing Rock crushes scissors ... but paper covers rock ... and scissors cut paper. Kif, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper, and bring me a rock.
Kif: Why?
Zapp: So beautiful, yet so neutral. Drag them to the ship.
Glab: And now, to cut the ribbon, the legendary DOOP captain who just returned from a triumphant carpet-bombing of Eden 7, Zapp Brannigan.
Zapp: What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?
Kif: Um, sir, you're supposed to be cutting the ribbon right now.
Zapp: No matter. I'll simply cut it from here with the ship's laser.
Kif: Sir, I don't think that's wise.
Zapp: Kif, if there's one thing I don't need it's your I-don't-think-that's-wise attitude.
Zapp: Whoopsie-daisy!
Glab: Zapp Brannigan, you stand accused of blowing up DOOP headquarters. How do you plead?
Zapp: Absolutely 99% not guilty.
Glab: Then the prosecutor will call his first witness.
Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, I'm just a simple Hyper-Chicken from a backwoods asteroid but if it please the court I reckon I'll call the entire jury.
Glab: I'm going to allow this.
Hyper-Chicken: Members of the jury ... ... did y'all happen to catch a gander at who blew up that there DOOP headquarters?
Juror #1: That's the guy, right there.
Juror #2: Oh, yeah, right there.
Small Glurmo #1: That one.
Hyper-Chicken: And are y'all gonna vote to convict him?
Neptunian: You'd better believe it.
Juror #1: You bet.
Glab: The jury is instructed to disregard its own testimony.
Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, the prosecution rests.
Glab: The evidence against Zapp Brannigan is strong. However, in light of his years of service, and the incompetence of this hillbilly prosecutor, I'm afraid I must dismiss all charges.
Leela: Dismiss all charges? Your Honour, I know the case is closed and you've rendered your verdict, but I wanna testify.
Glab: I'm going to allow this.
Hyper-Chicken: Now, Miss Leela, on the date in question, were you or were you not wearing a hoop skirt?
Leela: That's a stupid question. What matters is Zapp Brannigan is the sorriest captain I've ever seen, and I saw the idiot blow up DOOP headquarters with my own eye.
Zapp: I'd like to cross-examine the witness.
Glab: I'm going to allow this.
Zapp: We've met before have we not?
Leela: Yes.
Zapp: And on that occasion, did you have sex with someone? May I remind you you are still under oath.
Leela: Yes.
Zapp: Please point out the person in this courtroom you had sex with. And his name is?
Leela: Zapp Brannigan.
Zapp: The very same Zapp Brannigan who did not blow up DOOP headquarters. I rest my case.
Glab: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you may begin your deliberations.
Small Glurmo #1: Your Honour, we have reached a verdict. We find the defendant ... guilty.
Glab: Zapp Brannigan, you are hereby stripped of your rank as captain and dismissed from the DOOP.
Zapp: I'd like to make one final statement. Kif, c'mere and hold up the flag. And wave it a little, for God's sakes. My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honour. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault.
Kif: What?
Glab: Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank and dishonourably discharged.
Zapp: One day a man has everything, the next day he blows up a $400 billion space station and the next day he has nothing. It makes you think.
Kif: No, it doesn't.
Zapp: Come, Kif, it's time to begin our life as civilians. That's an order, soldier.
Fry: Hey, Bender?
Bender: Yeah?
Leela: Alright, this is the third hose fight I've broken up today and the second one using actual hoses. Now move your lazy asses and start scrubbing the ship like I ordered you to.
Fry: You don't have to get so mad, Leela.
Bender: Yeah, Fry already wiped off some of the dirt with his finger.
Leela: Zapp?
Zapp: Leela, I didn't know where else to turn. You're the only woman who ever loved me.
Leela: I never loved you.
Zapp: I mean physically.
Leela: What do you want?
Zapp: Just let me work for a little food. Perhaps I could paint a fence, or service you sexually, or mop the floors.
Leela: You don't know how to do any of those things.
Zapp: Kif might.
Farnsworth: Leela, who are you talking to?
Zapp: Just a broken-down hobo who's hit rock-bottom. And his commanding officer.
Farnsworth: Why, you're that disgraced starship captain. Having him on staff will distract people from our horrendous safety record. Come in.
Farnsworth: I'd like everyone to meet our new employees. Which ones are new?
Hermes: The green dude and the fat man.
Farnsworth: Hmm, I could swear I've never seen that robot before either.
Bender: I'm Bender. You know? The lovable rascal.
Farnsworth: Oh, yes, yes. My good friend, of course. Anyway, whoever you all are, I have good news. You'll be making a delivery to Stumbos 4, a planet with such high gravity you'll most likely be crushed under the weight of your own hair. Enjoy!
Zapp: So, this Leela. I know she's a very sensuous woman but what manner of captain is she?
Fry: She's really strict.
Bender: And mean.
Zapp: I see. Does she by any chance give the crewmembers spankings?
Fry: No, she just makes us do work and stuff.
Zapp: Good, good. But should she ever institute some sort of bare-bottom spanking policy, let me go in your place. I won't have my comrades harmed.
Bender: Hey, this guy's alright!
Zapp: Here's to us poor schmoes working for the man. Even if he is a hot, sexy, female man.
Kif: I've computed out landing co-ordinates, Captain.
Leela: Thanks, Kif. Very nice work.
Kif: Wait, what?
Leela: I said "very nice work".
Kif: This is the happiest day of my life.
Leela: OK, crew, listen up. Your job is to delivery these 40 pillows to that hotel.
Bender: They're not very heavy but you don't hear me not complaining.
Leela: They're not heavy in here because we have an anti-grav pump. But once you get out on the surface the gravity will be very intense.
Fry: Hey, no prob', this lead apron'll protect me.
Leela: I don't want any screw-ups. Use the hover-dolly and just deliver one pillow at a time.
Bender: Hey, here's an idea, let's deliver all the pillows at once.
Fry: Yeah!
Zapp: That's using the old noodle!
Zapp: Come on, girdle. Hold!
Bender: Uh-oh.
Leela: What the hell happened?
Bender: Some breaking occurred, the dolly was involved, that's about all we know.
Leela: I told you dumb apes not to overload it. Each of those pillows weighs 150lbs here.
Fry: Alright, don't get your panties in a knot. We'll just use the back-up dolly.
Bender: I'll start loading up the pillows.
Leela: No way, Jack. You disobeyed an order, so now you have to deliver all 40 pillows by hand.
Zapp: Let me ask you a serious question, Leela Does the company that made your bra make a girdle as well? I ask because a friend of mine...
Leela: Just get to work.
Bender: I'm Leela, get to work, neh, neh, neh.
Fry: I agree.
Kif: The point is, it's just so humiliating working for that man. Once, he actually ordered me to ... shave his armpits while he was in the bathtub. So, I said-
Leela: Y'know, why don't we talk about something besides Zapp for a while?
Kif: Oh, alright. Um ... well ... how 'bout then, um... OK, well, there he was in the tub, alright?
Fry: Ah, some good old high-gravity rain. That'll cool us off.
Bender: This is all Leela's fault.
Fry: Yeah. If she had let us use the back-up dolly, we could have broken it, given up and gone home by now.
Zapp: Y'know, boys, a good captain needs many skills, such as boldness, daring and a velour uniform. And I'm not convinced Leela has any of those things.
Fry: Ah, Leela's not that bad. I just wish she didn't make us work so much.
Zapp: Back when I was captain all I asked from my men was their complete loyalty. If I had that, then for all I cared they could sit around the whole day drinking beer in their underpants.
Bender: Beer?
Fry: Underpants?
Kif: But now, Zapp's not captain anymore. I'm free! Oh, you hear that? I'm actually laughing!
Fry: This is a mutiny.
Bender: You're outta here, lady. Zapp's the new captain.
Fry: All hail the new captain.
Zapp: Leela, you might be a formidable do-er of the nasty but I am forced to relieve you of your post.
Leela: On what grounds, you slobbering oaf?
Zapp: Failure to prevent a mutiny. Throw her in the brig.
Fry: We don't have a brig.
Zapp: Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as "the brig".
Leela: You really don't want me to be captain anymore?
Bender: You got it, genius.
Leela: But, didn't I do a good job?
Fry: You were mean and you yelled and you made us do all that work.
Leela: Sometimes a captain needs to do those things. Besides I, I thought we were friends.
Fry: Yeah, well, you shouldn't have been such a mean captain then.
Bender: Don't worry, Leela. Soon we'll be able to look back on this and laugh.
Zapp: Back in my old uniform, and it nearly still fits. Even after all that fattening hobo cuisine.
Kif: What shall I do with your civilian clothes, sir?
Zapp: Take them to the laundry-brig. So, do I have your loyalty, men?
Bender: To the ends of the universe.
Fry: Ten hundred percent!
Zapp: That's not nearly loyal enough. I order you to sit around and drink beer until you're as loyal as Kif here.
Bender: Yes, sir, sir!
Kif: Um, may I have a beer, sir?
Zapp: No. You're loyal enough already. Meanwhile, I have a plan. We will single-handedly attack our archenemy the Neutral Planet.
Kif: Oh, jeez.
Zapp: Once the neutral war machine lies in ruins, I'll be a hero again and the DOOP will reinstate me as captain.
Kif: But, sir, that plan makes no sense.
Zapp: Maybe not to you, Kif, but if I recall correctly, you were court-martialled in disgrace.
Fry: Ooh, burn!
Bender: Nailed you, buddy!
Zapp: Prepare to continue the epic struggle between good and neutral.
Fry: This is awesome! We're gonna be like pow-pow-pow, and they're gonna be like ... ... and then we'll have pancakes to celebrate and I'll be like...
Zapp: Precisely. Now, in the name of all that is good and honourable, we'll call the Neutral President with a message of peace, then blast him.
Bender: Yes, sir, sirdy-sir-sir-sir!
Zapp: Fly the white flag of war.
Zapp: This is Zapp Brannigan of the good ship ... Planet Express Ship. I come swinging the olive branch of peace.
Neutral President'S Aide: Should we trust him, Your Neutralness?
Neutral President: All I know is my gut says maybe.
Bender: What now, chief?
Zapp: Now we crash the ship into their headquarters, killing them in a hellish firestorm from which no living thing can escape.
Fry: Good, good, then what?
Zapp: Then your mission is complete. I, meanwhile, will have ejected to safety, wearing the only spacesuit on board.
Fry: Wait a second. Is this plan gonna kill us?
Zapp: Of course. What do you think I meant by "loyalty"? Now help me into the only spacesuit. It looks a bit sweaty in there so you may need to apply baby powder.
Fry: Leela, we want you to be captain again.
Leela: Let me guess. He cancelled naptime? He ran out of beer? So he's about to kill us?
Fry: We want Leela to be captain again.
Zapp: So it's mutiny, is it? I never thought I'd see the day. Come, Kif, let's eject. I found a children's spacesuit you can wear.
Kif: To be honest, sir, I'd rather stay here with Captain Leela. She actually listens to what I have to-
Leela: Oh, no! He's disabled the steering. We're gonna crash!
Bender: Leela save me ... and yourself, I guess ... and my banjo. And Fry.
Leela: OK, OK. We have one chance. Are you willing to do what I say as captain?
Fry: Absolutely.
Leela: Even if I make you work hard?
Bender: As your God is my witness.
Leela: Then go get the hover-dolly you didn't break and load all the dark matter into the left engine.
Bender: Oh, man, that crap's heavy.
Fry: And warm.
Leela: Just do it.
Neutral President'S Aide: Your Neutralness, it's a beige alert.
Neutral President: If I don't survive, tell my wife, "Hello".
Leela: Hurry! I don't wanna die at the age of 25.
Bender: Honey, unless we hit a time warp, I wouldn't worry about it.
Fry: It's too low.
Bender: Quick.
Leela: You did it! You actually did it!
Fry: And no one will have to punish anyone for the mutiny.
Zapp: And so, when Captain Leela panicked, perhaps distracted by female troubles, my quick thinking allowed me to do whatever I did to save the day.
Glab: Captain Leela, is this rambling story of magic and heroism true?
Leela: Well, actually-
Farnsworth: That a girl! If they don't take him back we can keep him as captain.
Leela: Your Honour, it's all true My female incompetence, Zapp's cat-like reflexes, the stuff that made no sense, all of it.
Glab: In that case, Zapp Brannigan, I hereby restore your rank and parking privileges.
Farnsworth: Oh, foo!
Zapp: Come, Kif, we've got work to do.
Kif: I-I'll call and tell you about it.
Fry: Leela, I just want you to know that even though you're mean, you're the best captain ever.
Bender: Yeah, you're one dynamite lady. Can we have a week off?
Leela: No.
Fry: Please?
Bender: Come on, Captain.
Leela: Oh, alright.
Farnsworth: No time off.
Fry: Aw, man.
Leela: Let's mutiny!


Narrator: You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location. The kind of place where there might be a monster or some kind of weird mirror. These are just examples. It could also be something much better. Prepare to enter The Scary Door. As per your request, please find enclosed the last man on earth.
Man: Finally, solitude. I can read books for all eternity. It's not fair! It's not fair! Wait, my eyes aren't that bad. I can still read the large print books. It's not f- Well, lucky I know how to read Braille! Hey, look at that weird mirror!
Bender: Cursed by his own hubris!
Leela: There's a political debate on! Quick, change the channel!
Bender: Hey, that's what Fry said when we turned on the debate!
Announcer: C-SPAN9 presents The Thrill Of Politics.
Leela: Look, I know there are no car chases but this is important. One of these two men will become president of the world.
Fry: What do we care? We live in the United States.
Leela: The United States is part of the world.
Fry: Wow! I have been gone a long time.
Johnson: It's time someone had the courage to stand up and say "I'm against those things that everybody hates".
Jackson: Now I respect my opponent. I think he's a good man but, quite frankly, I agree with everything he just said!
Fry: These are the candidates? They sound like clones. Wait a minute. They are clones!
Leela: Don't let their identical DNA fool you. They differ on some key issues.
Johnson: I say your three cent titanium tax goes too far.
Jackson: And I say your three cent titanium tax doesn't go too far enough!
Fry: If I were registered to vote, I'd send these clowns a message by staying home on election day and dressing up like a clown.
Leela: You're not registered?
Fry: Nope. Not vaccinated either! Besides, it's not like one vote ever made a difference.
Leela: That's not true; the first robot president won by exactly one vote.
Bender: Ah, yes, John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a cord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree.
Farnsworth: But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver.
Leela: The point is, one vote can make a difference and even though it won't, I'm still taking you to get registered.
Farnsworth: Yes, that's a capital idea. Let's all go register!
Fry: Professor, when did you become so obsessed with voting?
Farnsworth: The very instant I became old.
Farnsworth: The problem with both parties is that they always want to give your tax dollars to the less fortunate.
Fry: The less fortunate get all the breaks!
Zoidberg: You know, Fry, you could join a third party, maybe.
Amy: Only weirdos and mutants join third parties.
Zoidberg: Really? I'd better keep an eye out at the next meeting.
Fry: What party do you belong to, Bender?
Bender: I'm not allowed to vote.
Fry: 'Cause you're a robot?
Bender: No, convicted felon.
Woman: We favour unreasonably huge subsidies to the Brain Slug Planet.
Fry: OK, but what are the Brain Slugs who control you gonna do for the working man?
Woman: Attach Brain Slugs to them.
Fry: Sure, you say that now!
Amy: So, is it true you can make all kinds of shirts and ropes out of hemp?
Stoned Guy: Dave's not here, man.
Amy: I also heard hemp makes great shampoo.
Stoned Guy: It does? No way! I gotta check out this brochure!
Farnsworth: So what are you doing to protect my constitutional right to bear doomsday devices?
N.R.A. Man: Well, first off, we're gonna get rid of that three-day waiting period for mad scientists.
Farnsworth: Damn straight! Today, the mad scientist can't get a doomsday device, tomorrow it's the mad grad student. Where will it end?
N.R.A. Man: Amen, brother. I don't go anywhere without my mutated anthrax ... ... for duck hunting.
Zoidberg: Sure, humans are cute, but how else are we supposed to test cosmetics?
Hermes: I concur.
Fry: Now here's a party I can get excited about. Sign me up!
V.A.P. Man: Sorry, not with that attitude.
Fry: OK then, screw it.
V.A.P. Man: Welcome aboard, brother!
Fry: Alright!
V.A.P. Man: You're out.
Fry: That was pretty cool. I think I'm actually starting to get interested in politics.
Linda: And so, with two weeks left in the campaign, the question on everyone's mind is who will be the next President of Earth? Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson? Two terrific candidates, huh, Morbo?
Morbo: All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo.
Linda: In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan today, when a titanium mine collapsed, trapping 1,000 robot workers.
Bender: What? Lord have mercy!
Linda: Unless something is done quickly, the trapped robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue operations are planned?
Mine Spokesman: The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with our lives.
Morbo: News of the mines closing sent titanium prices skyrocketing.
Bender: Alright! I'm rich!
Leela: What are you talking about?
Bender: My body's 40% titanium! I'm finally richer than those snooty ATM machines.
Fry: Too bad you can't spend it.
Bender: Oh, can't I?
Fry: No.
Bender: Watch me, poor man.
Pawnbroker: Pleasure doing business with you.
Bender: Game's over, losers. I have all the money! Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves! Hey, get away. Shoo! I'll give you five dollars to not do what you're thinking about doing. You just lost five dollars!
Bender: Hey, buddy. Little help? Thank you!
Bender: Hello, peasants.
Leela: Bender? What happened to you?
Fry: Yeah, you look different. Did you get a haircut?
Bender: No, I sold my body.
Farnsworth: Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewellery and skintight pants.
Fry: This is crazy, Bender. How are you gonna live without a body?
Bender: Pft! Bodies are for hookers and fat people! All I need is a wad of cash with a head wrapped around it.
Fry: Well, at least now you can pay off your loan shark.
Bender: Yeah, right. What's he gonna do, break my legs?
Bender: Ah, this is the life. Another martini, please.
Bender: Shaken, not stirred. Aw, yeah!
Bender: Put it all on black.
Croupier: 21 red. I beg your pardon. 33 black.
Bender: Yes! The rich get richer!
Bender: Strike! In your face, Leela! Ow!
Bender: Timber!
Fry: Hey, Bender, can I take a ride in your car?
Bender: Maybe if you clean up first. It looks like your neck stepped in something. Oh, I'm sorry, that's just your body!
Fry: Hey! You look me in the shins and say that.
Bender: I've had it up to here with this place. I'm off to the Head Museum to hang out with classy heads like me who appreciate the finer things poetry, philosophy, hats. So long, coffin stuffers! Uh, could one of you coffin stuffers please carry me?
Bender: Now, which group of heads is good enough for me to hang out with? What do you think, Fry? Fry?
Schiffer: Hi, I'm Claudia Schiffer's head.
Fry: I recognise you. Didn't you use to have a body of some sort?
Schiffer: Yeah, but it was holding me back. You know, I just did the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimcap Issue.
Fry: Well, you're looking great.
Schiffer: Thanks. I wouldn't mind losing a few pounds though.
Fry: Couldn't hurt.
Bender: Ah, US presidents. Sturdy shelves, good security. This place has class.
Clinton: Hey, sugar cookie. You know, legally, nothing I can do counts as sex anymore.
Ford: I apologise for his rudeness, ma'am. He gets this way around meaty-looking women.
Fry: Hey, I remember you. I was gonna vote for you one time. But voting isn't cool so I stayed home alone and got trashed on Listerine.
Ford: Frankly, I've never felt voting to be all that essential to the process.
Nixon: No kidding, Ford.
Bender: So then the hookerbot says, "That's not my expansion slot" and my friend says, "That's not my gold-plated 25-pin connector!"
Washington: Oh, Bender. Thou robots really cracketh me up.
Bender: You know, I like it here. What's the rent on one of these jars?
George H.W. Bush: Sorry, Bender, but we just can't allow every Tom, Dick, and Harry to move in. No offence, Jefferson, Nixon and Truman.
Carter: Maybe Mr. Bender can get a spot in the closet of presidential losers.
Dole: Bob Dole needs company. LaRouche won't stop with the "knock knock" jokes.
Bender: Pass.
Washington: So, telleth, Bender. What hath happened to your body?
Bender: I hocked it.
Washington: Hocked it? Why wouldst thou do that?
Bender: Same reason you hocked your teeth.
Washington: Ah. Booze money.
Nixon: I remember my body; flabby, pastey-skinned, riddled with phlebitis. A good Republican body! God, I loved it.
Fry: I hear that. I spent most of my teen years loving my body. Course, it was tough love but- Ooh!
Leela: Fry, he opened up relations with China. He doesn't want to hear about your ding-dong.
Bender: So, Nixon. Even if you miss your body, being a head's great too, right?
Nixon: No, son. It's a sad and lonely life.
Bender: Oh, great. Now you tell me!
Nixon: That's my style. I like to kick 'em when they're down!
Bender: Ones ... zeros ... one, one, zero, zero, one-
Fry: Bender, what is it?
Bender: Whoa, what an awful dream. Ones and zeros everywhere. And I thought I saw a two.
Fry: It was just a dream, Bender. There's no such thing as two.
Bender: I know what this is about. My body loved me, and I turned it's back on it. Well, old friend, tie a yellow ribbon round your neck, 'cause I'm a-comin' home!
Bender: You sold my body? To who?
Pawnbroker: I can't reveal that information, but you look like a nice robot. Tell you what, I'll give you 50 bucks for the kid.
Fry: Hey, my clothes are worth 50 bucks!
Pawnbroker: Deal.
Bender: Oh! How could I let this happen? I can't go through the rest of my life like this.
Farnsworth: Don't you have a self-destruct button?
Bender: Yeah, but it's on my body. What am I gonna do?
Fry: Ah, I can't stand to see a robot cry. Let's watch TV!
Nixon: And so, ladies and gentlemen, I'm throwing my head into the ring. I'm announcing my candidacy for the presidency of Earth.
Journalist #1: Just one question.
Scoop Chang: Scoop Chang, Beijing Bugle. Sir, the constitution clearly states that nobody can be elected president more than twice.
Nixon: That's right. Nobody. But as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body!
Bender: Oh!
Leela: Bender, he's got your body!
Bender: That dirty, double-crossing bastard! How dare he run off with Richard Nixon!
Leela: Nixon must have bought your body from the pawn shop.
Fry: Yeah, and that electric guitar.
Nixon: Remember what the dormouse said, Feed your head.
Bender: Yeah, you are, you stole my body! Fry, Leela, you gotta help me!
Leela: Ordinarily I'd say no and lecture you on how this is your own fault for being such an idiot. But when a robotic Nixon is on the loose, we have a duty to take action. Idiot.
Morbo: Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates Puny Human #1, Puny Human #2, and Morbo's good friend, Richard Nixon.
Nixon: Hello, Morbo. How's the family?
Morbo: Belligerent and numerous.
Nixon: Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family.
Bender: Great. First he steals my body, now he's touching my stuff.
Leela: Come on. We've gotta find some way to talk to him.
Morbo: Morbo demands an answer to the following question If you saw delicious candy in the hands of a small child would you seize and consume it?
Johnson: Unthinkable.
Jackson: I wouldn't think of it.
Morbo: What about you, Mr. Nixon? I remind you, you are under a truth-o-scope.
Nixon: Uh, well, I, uh ... the question is-is vague. You don't say what kind of candy, whether anyone is watching or, uh... At any rate, I certainly wouldn't harm the child.
Nixon'S Campaign Manager: You scored big points tonight, sir.
Nixon: What are you talking about? They ate me alive out there.
Nixon'S Campaign Manager: Yes, but your body stayed on message. And that message is, "Look at my shiny new body". The robots ate it up. You've got real charisma from the neck down.
Nixon: Nixon with charisma? My God, I can rule the universe!
Bender: Give me my body back, you two-bit thief!
Nixon: Now, look here, you drugged-out Communist. I paid for this body and I'd no sooner return it than I would my little cocker spaniel dog, Checkers. Shut up, damnit!
Fry: Please, Mr. Nixon. We're appealing to your sense of decency.
Bender: That was a good one!
Nixon: Seriously though, I'm never giving back this body. Now beat it! Before I get Cambodian on your asses!
Bender: It's hopeless. We might as well turn in my head for the five cent deposit.
Fry: No way! I'm not letting my best friend get recycled. Not for five cents, not for five hundred cents! Leela, I've got a plan!
Leela: I've got a better plan.
Fry: Why would Nixon stay at the Watergate?
Leela: They give you a discount if you've been here before.
Fry: Keep going, we're right behind you.
Bender: Whoa, mama! Get a room, you two!
Man: We're in a room!
Bender: Well then lose some weight.
Nixon: Aroo!
Nixon: Oh, yeah. You women's libbers really know how to party!
Bender: Psst! There I am!
Nixon: Hey, Betty Friedan, send a little of that lotion my way!
Leela: OK, almost got it. Steady. Steady. Don't panic.
Fry: Ooh! Uh-oh!
Nixon: What the- You shaggy peaceniks have some nerve!
Bender: I'm just here for what's mine. Don't make me kick your neck.
Nixon: Bring it on, soup can.
Leela: Alright, break it up, you two!
Nixon: That's it. You're all going to jail. And don't expect me to grant a pardon like that sissy, Ford.
Leela: You'll never pardon anybody because you'll never get elected president. The voters of Earth aren't the pea-brained idiots they were back in your time.
Nixon: Oh, no? Well, listen here, missy. Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973 but your average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever. The only one who's changed is me. I've become bitter and, let's face it, crazy over the years. And once I'm swept into office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place.
Fry: Well, he lost my vote.
Nixon: Like one vote ever made a difference. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to inch myself over to the phone and call the police.
Bender: Not so fast, Nixon! Are you familiar with audio tape?
Nixon: Uh-oh. I don't like where this is heading.
Nixon: And I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place!
Nixon: My God? I really sound like that? I thought my voice had more of a Clark Gable quality.
Leela: The jig's up, Nixon. We'll trade you the tape for the body.
Nixon: Oh, expletive deleted. You've got a deal.
Fry: Hey, I've got one last thought.
Bender: Ah, it's good to be back in one piece again. Except I can't get these damn bumper stickers off.
Linda: The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to its highest level in centuries. 6%
Morbo: Exit polls show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with an estimated zero votes.
Leela: Yes! The system works!
Linda: The time is 7 59 and the robot polls are now opening ... and the robot vote is in. Nixon has won!
Leela: No!
Fry: What?
Bender: Get out of town!
Fry: Why would robots vote for Nixon now that he's just a head in a jar?
Nixon'S Campaign Manager: I give you the next president of Earth!
Nixon: Nixon's back!
Farnsworth: I can't believe it. He won by a single vote.
Bender: Well it ain't my fault. I'm a non-voting felon, thank you.
Fry: Well it's not my fault either 'cause I forgot to vote.
Leela: Oh, crud. I knew there was something I meant to do today.
Morbo: Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies.
Nixon: Aroo! Who's kicking who around now? Aroo! Aroo!
Nixon: Knock, knock!


Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Conan O'Brien's head.
O'Brien: Thank you, thank you. Let's get started. Max, play me over. Looks like someone forgot to feed Max. So, people are getting pretty worried about this Y2K problem, huh?
Bender: No, they fixed that 900 years ago.
O'Brien: Just bear with me, sir. Anyway, I'm walking to work this morning-
Bender: I doubt it!
O'Brien: Listen, pal, I may have lost my freakishly long legs in the war of 2012 but I've still got something you'll never have A soul!
Bender: Eh.
O'Brien: And freckles! Well, I'm out of material. You can catch me next week at the Andromeda Chuckle Hut. Enjoy your breakfast.
Bender: Ah, let's face it Comedy's a dead art form. Now, tragedy... That's funny!
Farnsworth: Come on, everyone. Perhaps some skiing will help us forget the mouldy old antics of Conan O'Brien.
Amy: Yeah!
Leela: Great idea!
Zoidberg: We can only hope!
Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened.
Leela: Actually it did. But thank God nuclear winter cancelled it out.
Fry: Hi!
Bender: Enough of your mindless chitchat, let's get going.
Hermes: Jah damnit! We're stuck.
Zoidberg: At least you're not cold-blooded!
Hermes: Sweet lion of Zion! Look at the Professor go.
Fry: Look out! We're heading straight for those trees!
Leela: Yeah, yeah, relax. Trees down.
Trees: Trees down.
Fry: Cool. Hey, what do you do if you want the trees up?
Trees: Trees up.
Fry: Trees down!
Trees: Trees down.
Bender: Lookin' good, meatball!
Man #1: Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding off the trail.
Bender: Lick my frozen, metal ass. Uh-oh!
Child: Mommy!
Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to see!
Hermes: Listen, you filthy crab, a thousand years ago there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsledders.
Fry: Yup, I remember. They came in last at the Olympics then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.
Hermes: A true inspiration for the children. Um, a little help please? Nooo!
Fry: Oh, what the hell! Ow!
Amy: You poor man. What happened to you?
Man #2: Well, there I was on the triple diamond slope, when suddenly-
Amy: Oh, excuse me. Hello, there!
Farnsworth: Wha?
Bender: Ah! Nothing like a warm fire and a Super Soaker of fine cognac.
Fry: Yeah, it really puts you in the Christmas spirit.
Farnsworth: What-mas?
Fry: Christmas. You know? X-M-A-S.
Leela: Oh, you mean Xmas. You must be using an archaic pronunciation. Like when you say "ask" instead of "aks".
Fry: Xmas, huh? Y'know, this'll be my first Xmas away from home.
Leela: Hey, hey. Let me aks you something Would it cheer you up if we went and cut down an Xmas tree?
Fry: Yeah! An old-fashioned Xmas tree!
Fry: Hey! These aren't Xmas trees!
Farnsworth: Eh, wha?
Fry: They're supposed to be some kinda, you know, pine tree.
Farnsworth: Pine trees have been extinct for 800 years, Fry. Gone the way of the poodle and your primitive notions of modesty. Ah! Brisk!
Fry: This isn't the way Christmas is supposed to be.
Farnsworth: There, there.
Fry: Everything's changed.
Leela: That's not true.
Bender: Xmas tree, oh, Xmas tree! Bah-boo-bee-boo-bah-bee-boh.
Amy: Ow!
Fry: Every Christmas my mom would get a fresh goose for goose burgers and my dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes. This dumb holiday just makes me think of all the things I left behind. Let's just stop talking about Xmas.
Hermes: Happy Xmas, Xmas people! Xmas cards have arrived! Xmas! Amy, there you go. Fry, Professor, Zoidberg, a mighty haul for Bender.
Bender: Yes! I got the most! I win Xmas!
Hermes: And last, but not least, the sweet flower of the office Me. Hermes Conrad.
Bender: Hmm. Ah, a picture of my mommy.
Zoidberg: Huh? What's this? A card from my cousin Zoidfarb. Instead of "Claus" he writes "Claws"! Now that's humorous. Today's comedians could learn from this card.
Fry: What's the point of Xmas when everyone you know died a thousand years ago? I'm the loneliest person on Earth. Hey, Leela, how 'bout a little sympathy here, huh? Yoiks! What was that about?
Amy: Fluh! She's an orphan.
Farnsworth: Yes, and the only one of her species in all the known universe. What a lonely life.
Fry: My God! Poor Leela.
Bender: Hey, buddy, heard you needed cheering up! Well, old Bender'll make you laugh. Look at me, look! Oh, man, I gotta work on my act!
Fry: I feel like a rat. Here I am whining like a pig while all along Leela was lonely as a frog. I could kick myself.
Amy: I'll do it for you.
Fry: Ow! Thanks.
Farnsworth: You should be ashamed of yourself, Fry. You'd have to be blind not to notice that Leela's a cyclops.
Hermes: Fry's over there, man.
Farnsworth: Oh?
Bender: Xmas Eve; another pointless day where I accomplish nothing.
Linda: The holiday season is a time of celebration for most. But it is also a time to remember the tragic suffering of the less fortunate.
Morbo: Earthlings do not yet know the meaning of suffering.
Linda: Earlier today I visited a shelter for down-and-out robots. Homeless robots, too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they need to fuel their circuits. Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies. And there would have to be a lot of them.
Amy: Where are you going, Bender?
Bender: To volunteer at a liquor kitchen for homeless robots.
Hermes: Yeah, right! As if you ever did anything charitable.
Bender: I'm very generous. What about that time I gave blood?
Fry: Whose blood?
Bender: Some guy's.
Fry: I've got to do something to show Leela how sorry I am.
Zoidberg: So what's the problem? Just get down on your claws and do the apology dance.
Fry: So it's left, left, right- Wait! I have a better idea! I'll go out and get her the perfect Xmas present. Something so great she'll never want to be unhappy again.
Hermes: Just be back by sundown, mon.
Fry: We'll see. I like to haggle.
Amy: You can't stay out on Xmas Eve. You'll be killed!
Fry: Say what?
Farnsworth: Good Lord! He doesn't know about Santa Claus.
Fry: I know about Santa Claus.
Farnsworth: Back in 2801, the Friendly Robot Company built a robotic Santa to determine who'd be naughty and who'd been nice and distribute presents accordingly. But something went wrong.
Fry: Wow! 2801! Anyway...
Farnsworth: Wait, you fool! Due to a programming error, Santa's standards were set too high and he invariably judges everyone to be naughty.
Amy: If he catches you after dark, he'll chop off your head and stuff your neck full of toys from his sack of horrors.
Farnsworth: Nice meeting you.
Preacherbot: Welcome, brother! May the blessings of the season be upon you.
Bender: Yeah, yeah, amen. Listen, I'm one of those lazy homeless bums I've been hearing about. Could you point me to the free booze. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Fry: There's this girl who I really like but she thinks I'm a jerk. Can you help me?
Salesman #1: Yeah, there's a suicide booth in the food court. Though there's a line this time of year.
Fry: No, I need to get her a gift. And I need it before sundown.
Salesman #1: Well, you can't go wrong with something traditional. A Surface-to-Santa rocket launcher. It comes with three jolly-seeking missiles.
Fry: That's funny!
Salesman #1: Careful, sir!
Bender: Oh, yeah! You filthy hobos sure know how to live. Hey, chief, someone's stealing your handkerchief full of crap.
Tinny Tim: Excuse me, sir? Might I have a sip of booze?
Preacherbot: I'm sorry, Tinny Tim. Seems we ran out early tonight.
Tinny Tim: I understand.
Bender: My God! That poor kid!
Fry: You're the last store open. I need something for my friend Leela. Just give me your best animal.
Salesman #2: Best? Well that's a matter of opinion. I personally like the Electric Snail.
Fry: That's a stupid animal. You're stupid! I said I want the best one. Now which costs more? The parrot or the Stink Lizard?
Salesman #2: The lizards are a buck each, the parrot is $500.
Fry: That's a hell of a good parrot. Although, I could get 500 lizards for the same price. Girls like swarms of lizards, right?
Salesman #2: Sir, the store is closing in two minutes.
Fry: Alright, I'll take the 500 lizards. No, wait, yes. No. Yes. Yes. Yes! The parrot!
Fry: Well, I spent every penny I had but I bet Leela's gonna love you. Hey, you're quite the talker, aren't you? Shut the hell up! Ow! Stupid bird! I know where you live.
Amy: Hey, it's Leela.
Leela: Sorry I stormed out before. I didn't mean to ruin everyone's Xmas.
Farnsworth: Huh? You were gone?
Leela: It's just that I get tired of Fry always only thinking of himself.
Hermes: I hear that! I aks him to set the table, instead he goes out to buy you a present. Selfish dog.
Leela: Wait! You mean he's still out? His life's in danger!
Zoidberg: Why?
Leela: I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town!
Fry: Alright, bird, you thought you could beat me in a game of wits. But you just met your equal.
Fry: Aha! Cornered!
Leela: Hi, there!
Fry: Leela! Oh, my God! You saved my life. I am gonna get you so many lizards!
Leela: You didn't need to buy me a present, Fry.
Fry: I just wanted to do something to make you happy. I mean, I miss my family but you never even had a family.
Leela: It's OK. You're lonely and I'm lonely. But, together, we're lonely together.
Fry: Merry Xmas, Leela.
Leela: Merry Xmas.
Fry: Oh, boy! It's Santa!
Santa: Ho, ho, ho! You've been very naughty, Fry and Leela. I checked my list.
Fry: Well check it twice!
Santa: I perform over 50 mega-checks per second. You're both naughty for disregarding each other's feelings.
Leela: But we set things right. Fry even risked his life to get me a present.
Santa: But what about your other co-workers? Did either of you ever stop to think about Dr. Zoidberg's feelings?
Fry: No! I swear!
Santa: Santa has something very special in his sack for you two!
Robots: So lock the door and hit the floor, 'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.
Hattie: Go away!
Bender: Whoa, hold on! How about inviting us in for a traditional glass of hard cider?
Hattie: Oh, alright. But just one glass! OK, that's enough. I said that's enough!
Bender: Get her purse!
Fry: Please let us live! We'll put out milk and cookies for you!
Santa: You dare bribe Santa? I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!
Leela: We're trapped.
Fry: I never thought it would end this way Gunned down by Santa Claus. Honestly, I didn't see it coming!
Leela: Goodbye, Fry.
Fry: Goodbye, Leela. Hey, look, we're under the mistletoe.
Santa: Your mistletoe is no match for my T.O.W. missile!
Fry: Uh, you're present may need some assembly.
Bender: On the 4th day of Xmas I stole from that lady.
Robot #1: Four family photos.
Tinny Tim: Three jars of pennies.
Robot #2: Two former husbands.
Bender: And a slipper on a shoe tree.
Raoul: Oh, thank you!
Fry: Help!
Leela: Somebody help us.
Tinny Tim: It's humans. Shall we mug them, robot sir?
Bender: No, wait, I know these guys. They got nothing.
Santa: Ho, ho, ho! You've been very naughty, Bender.
Bender: What? Me? I didn't do nothing. You're thinking of the kid.
Santa: My God, Bender! Framing an orphan? That's so naughty I'll have to add it to my list right now. Framing ... I-N-G ... ... an...
Zoidberg: Amy, this is for you. A set of combs for your beautiful hair.
Amy: Oh, that's so sweet. But I sold my hair to a wigmaker so I could buy a set of combs for Hermes.
Hermes: Oh, the irony. I sold my hair so I could buy this third set of combs for Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: Thank you. These'll come in handy for my new hair. Finally I look as pretty as I feel!
Fry: Help!
Leela: Help!
Bender: Help!
Farnsworth: Oh, dear. They'll be killed on our doorstep. And there's no trash pickup until January 3rd.
Hermes: Sweet manatee of Galilee! He's on the roof!
Farnsworth: Quick! The armour-plated chimney cover! Push! Push!
Bender: Use teamwork!
Tinny Tim: Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
Santa: You've all been very naughty, very naughty indeed. Except you, Dr. Zoidberg, this is for you.
Zoidberg: A pogo-stick!
Santa: As for the rest of you, I'm going to tear off your skin like wrapping paper and deck the halls with your guts.
Bender: Yeah? Well I don't believe in Santa Claus. Come on, everybody, if you don't believe in him, he can't hurt you. Ow! God! The pain!
Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Time to get jolly on your naughty asses!
Leela: Watch out! His belly is shaking like a bowl full of nitro-glycerine!
Amy: Rudolph's nose!
Fry: He's gonna blow!
Zoidberg: Aha!
Farnsworth: Yes, good thing I got us out of that one!
Bender: Xmas dinner, everyone.
Fry: Uh, Bender? Where did you get that bird?
Bender: I found it lying in the street, like all the food I cook. Dig in, everyone.
Tinny Tim: Thank you, sir.
Bender: You got the toenail! Oh!
Fry: Look, the food isn't what's important.
Tinny Tim: I'm so hungry.
Fry: The important thing is we're all together for Xmas. And even though I'm surrounded by robots and monsters and old people, I've never felt more at home.
Farnsworth: Hear, hear! Now let's all of us shut up and sing!
Amy: He knows when you are sleeping.
Farnsworth: He knows when you're on the can.
Leela: He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan.
Zoidberg: Oh.
Hermes: You'd better not breathe, You'd better not move.
Bender: You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude.
Fry: Santa Claus is gunning you down!
Farnsworth: Merry Xmas, everyone!
Santa: I'll be back. Back when you least expect it Next Xmas! Ho, ho, ho!


Singer: Call Robo-Rooter when you flush your towel.
Plumber-Bot: And we can also help with an impacted bowel.
Singer: Robo-Rooter!
Fry: Mmm. Mmm! Now this is what I call a thousand years of progress A Bavarian cream dog that's also self-microwaving!
Bender: Aw, jeez. Let's just pray I have the energy to get myself another beer. Oh, what is this, the Middle Ages?
Leela: Look at you guys. No offence, Fry, but you've become a fat sack of crap.
Fry: Sack?
Amy: And, Bender, your beer belly's so big your door won't even close. And that doesn't even make sense.
Leela: Come on. We're taking you pigs to the gym.
Zoidberg: The gymnasium? Excellent, excellent. For some reason I'm frisky as a squid on Tuesday.
Amy: Hey, who's up for a nice, hot steam?
Zoidberg: We crustaceans don't like steam. I'm going to go work out with the Nautilus!
Nautilus: What up, Dr. Z?
Zoidberg: Yo, yo, yo! Whassup, whassup! Give up the rock!
Fry: Co-ed steam rooms! I love the future!
Leela: Uh, Fry, you're in the women's steam room.
Fry: Ah, futuristic!
Amy: Psst, look what life was like before genetic engineering.
Leela: Those poor 20th century women.
Amy: Hey, handsome. Is there room in there for two?
Man: You wish!
Fry: Hey, Leela, look who's the super-stud!
Leela: Hmm, somebody must have turned down the gravity. I'll fix it for you.
Zoidberg: Give me that. More weight!
Fry: Hey, Dr. Zoidberg, what's that jazz on your head?
Zoidberg: Enough with the questions. More weight! More! More!
Leela: Maybe you could do more reps with less weight.
Bender: Hey, looks like Zoidberg's finally coming out of his shell. Get it? He's coming out-
Randy: Nice and gentle, we don't want any unnecessary stress. Is there a doctor in the gym?
Zoidberg: I'm a doctor!
Leela: I wonder why Dr. Zoidberg is acting this way. Out of all of us he always seemed the most normal.
Zoidberg: I am normal. Amy, take off these rubber bands and I'll show you how normal I am!
Amy: Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me.
Fry: Maybe he has a parasite.
Hermes: Maybe he is a parasite!
Bender: It's always so sad when a friend goes crazy and you have to have a big clam-bake and cook him! Yee-haw!
Farnsworth: Now, now, this won't do. Let me just give old Zoidy a sedative.
Zoidberg: Ah, much better. You can take off these rubber bands now.
Amy: I'll do it.
Leela: Stop!
Fry: No, Amy!
Bender: Moron!
Farnsworth: Mm-hm... Oh-ho! Aha! There's the problem.
Zoidberg: Give it to me straight, Professor. Is it fin rot? It's fin rot, isn't it? Tell me it's not fin rot!
Farnsworth: Relax, my chiton-y chum. There's no problem. You're just heavy with male jelly.
Leela: Bleck!
Farnsworth: It must be mating season for Zoidberg's people; a chaotic time when his behaviour is dictated by the tiny brain in his rump.
Fry: Eck!
Farnsworth: There's only one thing we can do-
Bender: I'll get the water boiling!
Farnsworth: We, by which I mean you, will have to rush him to his ancient homeworld which will shortly erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.
Fry: Oh, baby, I'm there!
Leela: Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"?
Fry: Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in. Uh, no need to pack pants, people. Let's roll!
Amy: Dr. Zoidberg said I should hold these while he's gone.
Bender: Moron!
Decapodian Man #1: Welcome home, old friend. Just 19 hours until the mating frenzy!
Zoidberg: Excellent, excellent!
Decapodian Man #1: See you there, Doctor-
Fry: Is that how you say "Zoidberg"?
Zoidberg: You didn't have to call attention to his speech impediment.
Bender: You're looking less nuts, crabby.
Zoidberg: I'm feeling less nuts, thank you, because tomorrow I will be depositing my jelly in the cloacal vents of a female. If you catch my drift.
Fry: Who's the lucky lobsterina?
Zoidberg: I don't know yet. But I shall attract one this afternoon with an erotic display.
Leela: It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast.
Zoidberg: Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material.
Fry: You and me both, brother!
Zoidberg: Ah, my old scuttling grounds! Let's pull over.
Zoidberg: I used to hang out here as a larva. It looked so much bigger back then. Who's the tough guy now, Vinnie?
Bender: Look! Outdoor theatre! Let's get tickets. Oh, let's do!
Zoidberg: No, it's the ceremony of Claw-Plach, where my species fight to the death over matters of honour. Also whether abbreviations count in Scrabble. They don't!
Fry: I didn't come here to see any activity involving two guys. Where do you people do your erotic display?
Zoidberg: Same place as your species The beach.
Zoidberg: How do I look?
Bender: Like whale barf.
Zoidberg: Then the illusion is complete.
Fry: Hey, I wonder if these guys are here to watch the erotic display too.
Decapodian Man #2: Aw, yeah! Aw, wow!
Zoidberg: Perfect! This oughta make me stand out. Craw!
Fry: Look how ridiculous they look.
Bender: Please, he's no different from the rest of you organisms; shooting DNA at each other make babies. I find it offensive.
Zoidberg: Craw!
Decapodian Woman #1: Keep your jelly away from my eggs!
Zoidberg: Craw?
Decapodian Woman #2: So not interested.
Zoidberg: Craw!
Decapodian Woman #3: Humph. I've heard that line before!
Zoidberg: Cra- Oh, what's the point?
Leela: Why is Zoidberg the only one still alone?
Bender: 'Cause he's a loser, that's why. He's the lobster equivalent of Fry.
Fry: Hey! I can get any girl I want anytime I want. I'm just too busy.
Zoidberg: Edna? Edna, it's me, Zoidberg. Remember, from high school? You used to laugh at me because my face was covered with barnacles!
Edna: Zoidberg? Well I didn't know you were back in town. I heard you went off and became a rich doctor.
Zoidberg: I've performed a few mercy killings. So, as long as I'm in town I was wondering if maybe ... craw?
Edna: Oh, gee, yeah, I'm just going through a lot of things right now and- Look, Zoidberg, I carry more eggs than any other female and I owe it to our race to pick a mate who's stuffed with male jelly. Maybe a rock star.
Zoidberg: Or maybe a doctor?
Edna: I'm sorry, Zoidberg. You're just an inferior male specimen. Nice seeing you again.
Zoidberg: No one will ever want to mate with me, not with a puny claw like this. Did you see those other guys? They looked like giant claws with bodies attached.
Leela: At least you didn't smell as bad as them.
Zoidberg: You're right, my stink gland is weak. Smell!
Fry: Listen, Doc, if you wanna score you gotta fake like you're in love. Just look her in the eye, start crying and say "I've never been so happy."
Leela: If a guy ever did that to me I'd know it. Wait a second. They've all been doing that to me. Even Sean!
Zoidberg: Hmm, this "love" intrigues me. Teach me to fake it.
Fry: OK, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?
Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me.
Fry: No. Tell her she's special.
Zoidberg: But she's not. She's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs.
Fry: Well, tell her that. And then?
Zoidberg: Then mating.
Fry: No. Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?
Zoidberg: Is "desire to mate" a feeling?
Fry: You're not even trying!
Zoidberg: It's all so complicated with the flowers and the romance and the lies upon lies.
Fry: OK, OK, don't worry. The love meister will take you under his wing.
Zoidberg: What? Now there's a bird involved?
Fry: OK, go ahead.
Edna: What the- Dr. Zoidberg, your mating display failed. Why are you trying to talk to me?
Zoidberg: I have no idea.
Fry: You just wanna talk, it has nothing to do with mating.
Zoidberg: I just wanna talk, it has nothing to do with mating. Fry, that doesn't make sense.
Edna: Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense. But OK.
Fry: Start with a compliment. Tell her she looks thin.
Zoidberg: You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites?
Edna: Why, yes. Thanks for noticing.
Fry: Now ask her how her day was.
Zoidberg: Why would I wanna know?
Fry: You wouldn't. Ask anyway.
Zoidberg: How was your day?
Edna: Well first I got up and had a piece of toast. Then I brushed my teeth. Then I went to the store to buy some fish. Then...
Zoidberg: Fry, look what you did, she won't shut up.
Fry: That's normal. Just nod your head and say "Uh-huh".
Zoidberg: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Edna: ...And then you threw an octopus at my window. You know, Zoidberg, it's crazy but when you talk this way your obvious deficiencies as a male seem ... less obvious. Your genes seem less detrimental. You even stink more.
Zoidberg: Do I ask her to mate now?
Fry: Third date!
Bender: So I returned his artificial heart and ever since then I've been known by the name of Honest Bender.
Zoidberg: I'd like to propose a toast to ... coat check number 84.
Fry: Turn it over.
Zoidberg: Oh, Edna! Of all the slimy, gross crab monsters on this planet, you are apparently the hottest.
Bender: Oy.
Fry: That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
Edna: Yes, well ... excuse me, I've got to powder my mouth flaps.
Leela: Uh, me too.
Zoidberg: I'm confused, Fry. I'm feeling a strange new emotion. Is it love when you care about a female for reasons beyond mating?
Fry: Nope. Must be some weird alien emotion.
Leela: Zoidberg said some dumb stuff but he's a nice guy, really. It's just that Fry's been telling him what to say and Fry's a ... do you have idiots on your planet?
Edna: Fry? You mean words of such beauty came from the blowhole of that hideous alien?
Leela: Yeah ... what? Look, never mind the words. Zoidberg's a doctor. A doctor, honey.
Edna: Hmm.
Edna: Come in.
Edna: Hello, Fry. Can I interest you in some surf and turf?
Fry: No thanks. I just came to tell you that Zoidberg's really great. He's got male jelly coming out the wazoo.
Edna: Well that is where it comes out but jelly isn't everything. I know Zoidberg's magical words were really yours. Teach me to love you, squishy poet from beyond the stars!
Fry: Uh, I'm flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big, freaky mud bug you'd be way up the list!
Edna: Hush, you romantic fool! Engage your mandibles and kiss me!
Zoidberg: Edna, I couldn't stand it any longer. I- Fry!
Fry: Dr. Zoidberg, it's not how it looks.
Zoidberg: Her caviar is on your neck!
Fry: But-
Edna: Oh, it's true, Zoidberg. We can't hide it any longer. Fry and I have fallen in love and we're going to mate tomorrow.
Fry: What?
Zoidberg: Fry! I challenge you to Claw-Plach!
Fry: English, please?
Zoidberg: A fight to the death.
Edna: And if you survive, we'll make sweet love!
Decapodian Emperor: The law is clear. Fry and Zoidberg shall fight to the death for the claw of the beautiful Edna.
Fry: But I don't want her!
Decapodian Emperor: Once invoked, the sacred tradition of Claw-Plach can not be taken back. It is a recent tradition, only 18 years old, but it is a tradition none the less.
Zoidberg: Get ready, Fry. I'm going to rip your swim bladder out and show it to you.
Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, this is madness. You're being irrational.
Zoidberg: Of course I'm being irrational! I'm in love!
Leela: Aww.
Fry: Leela!
Leela: Right, right. You have to stop this madness.
Decapodian Emperor: Listen, lady, as you can plainly see I'm a highly desirable male, groaning with jelly. Yet I embrace a life of celibacy in order to uphold our crazy traditions. One of your friends must die.
Bender: Fate is cruel and unyielding and what must be must be. Takin' all bets! I'm giving 9-2 on Zoidberg, the crab with the jab! The Great Red Hope! Come on, baby!
Zoidberg: Fry, it's been years since medical school so remind me. Disembowelling in your species Fatal or non-fatal?
Fry: Fatal.
Zoidberg: Large bet on myself in round one!
Decapodian Emperor: Edna, have you anything to say before begins the Claw-Plach?
Edna: I do. I just want to say that today I got up and I had a piece of toast. Then I brushed my teeth-
Fry: Shut up!
Edna: I love you, Fry!
Decapodian Emperor: Fry, having guessed what animal I was thinking of, you shall have first choice of weapon. And you, doctor?
Zoidberg: I choose my own claws! I want the tactile pleasure of chopping him right here in the gonads!
Fry: Shh! Nobody correct him!
Bender: Fry, I've never asked you for anything before but, if it's not too much trouble, when it comes to the ninth round just let him win.
Fry: But it's a fight to the death!
Bender: Oh, so this is suddenly all about you. Sheesh!
Decapodian Emperor: Please rise for the national anthem.
Fry: Uh-oh.
Decapodian Emperor: Let Claw-Plach begin!
Fry: Hey!
Bender: Ow!
Leela: Come on, Fry! Die with dignity!
Fry: Aha! Oops!
Edna: Nooo! I can't stand to look.
Zoidberg: Huh?
Bender: Psst, Fry. Take a dive.
Crowd: Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach!
Fry: My fellow fish monsters, far be it for me to question your stupid civilisation or its dumb customs, but is squeezing each other's brains out with a giant nutcracker really going to solve anything? Dr. Zoidberg is my friend, and though a woman has come between us, I say we'll always remain friends. And you know why? One reason. You bastard! I'll kill you! You bastard!
Leela: Wait! Stop! Everyone is gone.
Zoidberg: Edna? Honey?
Zoidberg: Edna?
Leela: Ew!
Bender: Oh, my God!
Zoidberg: The frenzy! Oh, the greatest experience in life and I missed it.
Fry: Aw. I'm sorry, Doc.
Fry: Ow, ow! Ah!
Zoidberg: The frenzy is over. How will I ever get rid of my male jelly now?
Fry: I'll lend you this.
Leela: Fry!
Fry: Hey, hey.
Bender: Shoo! Get away! Hey! What's with the flying jerks?
Zoidberg: They come to feast after the frenzy. Once my species passes on its genes, it dies.
Fry: You mean you have to choose between a life without sex and a gruesome death?
Zoidberg: Yes.
Fry: Tough call.
Zoidberg: Well it was nice of you to let me reattach your arm, Fry, especially after I made a complete eel out of myself.
Fry: No biggie.
Zoidberg: Yes biggie. I learned to feel things I'd never felt before Love, jealousy, passion for disembowelling. I owe it all to you. There! I pronounce the operation a success.
Leela: Hooray!
Bender: Yeah!
Fry: Yeah!
Zoidberg: I may not know from emotions but when it comes to medicine, forget about it.
Fry: I don't mean to nitpick, super-doc, but do you think maybe you could take one more whack at this?
Zoidberg: For you, my friend, anything.
Fry: My legs!
Zoidberg: Alright, alright, third time's the charm.


Announcer: Futurama is brought to you by ... ... Arachno Spores! The fatal spore, with the funny name!
Announcer #1: Cop Department is real. The people you see are not actors. Most of them aren't even people.
Centipede Man: C'mon, man, I didn't fire off no laser.
Smitty: Then why is there a smoking hole in your ceiling, sir?
Centipede Man: What? Crazy upstairs lady must've been shooting down.
Url: Sir, you're on the top floor of this particular domicile.
Centipede Woman: You get that camera out of my house!
Smitty: Just relax, ma'am. Sir, sir, put down the lamp.
Centipede Man: OK. OK, I'm co-operating.
Smitty: That's it. Now put up your hands.
Url: Nice and slow. Aw, yeah!
Smitty: And while you're at it, unblur your face.
Centipede Man: Aw, man.
Leela: Hey, Bender, I thought you said you were in this episode.
Bender: Nah, this week I'm on Caught On Tape 3 'cause of what I did in the coffee pot.
Centipede Man: I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I'm just going through some things.
Url: I'm goin' in!
Announcer #1: Cop Department will return, after these messages.
Announcer #2: Is today's hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient?
Bender: Shut up and get to the point!
Announcer #2: Then come relive the carefree days of yore at Past-O-Rama ... ... where Old New York comes alive.
Woman: It's like stepping back stepping back into the year 2000!
Cowboy: Time for the mammoth hunt, dudes!
Einstein Actor: Let's disco dance, Hammurabi!
Hammurabi Actor: Dy-no-mite!
Announcer #2: Located on the former site of Brooklyn.
Leela: Sounds like your kinda place, Fry. Wanna go?
Fry: Nah. If I ever wanna go back to the year 2000 I'll just freeze myself again.
Bender: C'mon, Fry, I really wanna see it. You know how I yearn for a simpler time. A time of barn dances and buggy rides, before life was cheapened by heartless hi-tech machines.
Leela: But, Bender, you are-
Bender: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
Fry: Cool, it's just like the good old days!
Mugger: Give me your wallet or I'll cut you!
Fry: Hey, Leela, get a picture of me being "mugged".
Mugger: I'll take the camera too.
Bender: Learning is fun.
Leela: Ooh, ancient Wall Street.
Stockbroker #1: No!
Stockbroker #2: I'm ruined!
Tour Guide: I direct your attention to this ancient and mysterious tablet which has yet to be deciphered.
Leela: Do you know what it means?
Fry: Yeah, I asked a cop once. It means "Up yours, kid".
Bender: I gotta say I'm really enjoying the day out with you people. Hey, a suicide booth! So long, suckers.
Fry: Uh, sorry, Bender, that's just a phone booth.
Bender: Oh.
Leela: What were they used for?
Fry: In New York? Bathrooms.
Leela: Oh. I-I'll be out in a sec.
Leela: Tokens only. How does this work?
Fry: I'll show you. Whup.
Bender: Oh, it's a turnstile.
Leela: What's this? Another bathroom?
Fry: No, it's a mobile apartment with no rent.
Bender: C'mon, Fry. Get up!
Leela: Wow! The burial chamber of the 20th century's greatest spiritual leader, Al Sharpton.
Bender: Ooh. Now this guy had taste!
Leela: It says he was mummified in ceremonial vestments.
Fry: We sometimes called it a jogging suit.
Narrator: The traffic jams of Old New York were a public forum of free interchange of opinions.
Motorist #1: Move it, crap for brains!
Motorist #2: Bug off!
Motorist #3: Get home, bastard man!
Narrator: It all started with Gerald Ford's famous invention, the "automocar" ... ... which was powered by a tank of burning fossils. Here we see a 20th century assembly line where cars were constructed by primitive robots.
Robots: Ooga! Ooga! Ooga! Ooga! Ooga! Ooga...
Bender: We've come a long way, baby!
Narrator: The fruit of the robots' labour was this ... ... the stately 1992 Latoura.
Fry: Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually it wasn't hers, it was her dad's. Actually she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and never closed her curtains.
Leela: Fry, remember when I told you about always ending your stories a sentence earlier?
Fry: C'mon, let's sneak in for a closer look.
Man: Sir, we don't touch the antiques. sir. You- Oh! I'm sorry. You work here. I should have realised from that ridiculous getup you're wearing.
Fry: Hey! This is from Miller's Outpo- Uh, I mean, yeah, I work here alright!
Man: Here, move this rust bucket outside behind St. Koch's Cathedral.
Leela: Did you drive much in the 20th century, Fry?
Fry: Nope. No one in New York drove. There was too much traffic. Nice! Listen to that baby purr.
Bender: There's a baby in there, huh?
Fry: It's just like riding a bicyc-
Bender: I think I got whiplash.
Leela: You can't have whiplash, you don't have a neck.
Bender: I meant ass whiplash.
Fry: I'm just glad we hit something. I thought we'd never stop.
Bending Unit: Ow! I think I got whiplash.
Fry: How's that robot I ran over?
Farnsworth: We did all we could.
Fry: You mean he's-
Farnsworth: Good as new? Yes!
Farnsworth: Leela, Zoidberg, the rest of you, this is Flexo.
Hermes: Sweet llamas of the Bahamas! Except for that stylish beard, he looks just like Bender!
Flexo: No duh, dreadlock, we're both bending units.
Bender: Hey, brobot, what's you serial number?
Flexo: 3370318.
Bender: No way! Mine's 2716057!
Fry: I don't get it.
Bender: We're both expressible as the sum of two cubes.
Fry: So, uh, Flexo. Sorry about crushing your body like that. You OK now?
Flexo: Well I don't feel as bad as you look! Nah, I'm just messing with you, kid. You're alright. That's some face you got, though. I think they got a cream for that. Nah, you're great.
Fry: Well just let me know if there's anything I can do to make it up to you.
Flexo: Actually, your little stunt did a number on my back. You mind rubbin' it for me?
Fry: Uh ... sure.
Flexo: Aw, yeah, that's it. Little lower.
Fry: How's that?
Flexo: Lower. Yeah that's gettin' it. A little lower though.
Fry: Uh, I can't get any lower than this.
Flexo: I'll say, you're rubbing my ass!
Robot #1: Hey, check it out here. Six beautiful devices. They know what you like and they'll do it to within a tolerance of one micron!
Robot #2: Yeah! Spin those fans, baby!
Robot #3: Alright, mama!
Robot #4: Gyrate, baby!
Fry: I don't like this place. It's 120 degrees and there's very little oxygen.
Bender: Shut up and hoot. Hubba-hubba, she is built - in Mexico, I believe.
Flexo: And that ain't silicon, it's tungsten. And plenty of it!
Fry: Uh, yeah. Look at that exhaust fan.
Flexo: Ew!
Bender: Pervert.
Flexo: Yoo-hoo!
Stripperbot: Thanks, moderate spender. Please select erotic transaction.
Flexo: Yeah, how 'bout a lap dance for my pal here?
Fry: Uh, no, no, that's alright. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Fry: I'm telling you, there's something about Flexo I don't like.
Flexo: Hey, Fry, think fast. Get it? It's chlorine!
Zoidberg: It's funny because it's poisonous!
Fry: Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp, but he's bad news. I regret ever running him over.
Hermes: Take a rage dump, man. He's no worse than Bender.
Fry: He's much worse. He drinks and smokes and he posts naked pictures of me on the Internet.
Amy: That's Bender, alright.
Fry: I'm talking about Flexo.
Leela: Oh, I get it. This is cute. You're jealous of Bender's new friend!
Fry: No, I'm not. Mark my words Flexo's evil. He's the evil Bender.
Hermes: Rage dump!
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Report to my bedroom for a private exhibition.
Farnsworth: Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you. Feast your eyes on this!
Leela: It's beautiful.
Amy: And huge.
Fry: Can I touch it?
Zoidberg: So what is it, already?
Farnsworth: It's a single atom of jumbonium, an element so rare the nucleus alone is worth more than $50,000.
Bender: How much more?
Farnsworth: 100,000. That's why I hid it here, under my mattress.
Leela: Uh, Professor, can we discuss this somewhere else?
Farnsworth: Why certainly.
Farnsworth: The atom sits atop this dimestore tiara which will be awarded to the winner of this year's Miss Universe pageant on the planet Tova 9. Your job is to deliver it, safe and sound.
Amy: Wow! When I was a little girl on Mars I dreamed of being Miss Universe.
Leela: That's kinda pathetic.
Amy: Aw, come on, Leela. Deep down all girls wanna be Miss Universe.
Leela: Not me.
Amy: Really? Maybe it's just cute girls.
Farnsworth: Due to the atoms tremendous value, Planet Express would go bankrupt if it was stolen. Therefore we'll need to hire on additional security for the mission.
Flexo: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Mr. Professor, right here!
Fry: Uh, maybe we should stick with people we know and trust. I mean, Flexo's great, but-
Farnsworth: "Flexo's great," you say? Well that's good enough for me. Welcome aboard, lad.
Leela: Space bandidos have been operating in this quadrant so you'll each take 8-hour shifts guarding the safe. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Fry: Wait, hold on. I don't like the sound of that. Let's just go alphabetically.
Leela: OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Fry: Wait, let's go by rank.
Leela: OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Fry: Flexo outranks me?
Flexo: That's "Flexo outranks me, sir"!
Bender: Halt. Who goes there?
Fry: Don't point that at me.
Bender: "Fry" who?
Fry: Look, I know Flexo's your friend but I don't trust him alone with the atom.
Bender: My God, Fry! Just 'cause the guy's got a beard you label him as evil? Well I got a label for you, pal An ugly little word called "prejudice".
Fry: I'm not prejudiced.
Bender: Ah, save it for the cross-burning, Adolf!
Flexo: Keeping an eye on the safe?
Bender: You know it!
Flexo: Well, looks like it's my shift. You lie down and go offline for a while.
Bender: Alright.
Fry: Caught you! I saw you looking at the atom!
Flexo: So? I look at lots of atoms. Shouldn't you be resting up for your shift?
Fry: Oh-ho, you'd like it if I went to sleep, wouldn't you?
Flexo: Whatever it takes to shut your yapper. Nah, I'm just kidding, you're a joker.
Fry: Yeah, well here's a funny joke I'm gonna sit right here till it's my shift.
Flexo: Suit yourself, skinbag.
Fry: That I will.
Flexo: Good.
Fry: Good.
Flexo: Good.
Fry: Good.
Flexo: Good.
Fry: Good. Good.
Fry: Well, that's eight hours.
Flexo: Yeah, eight hours of solid boredom. Nah, I'm kidding, you're a wonderful man.
Fry: Finally, the atom is safe.
Leela: What is it? My God! Did you hear maracas?
Fry: No.
Leela: Then it wasn't space bandidos. Bender, lock down the ship. Don't let Flexo escape.
Bender: Aye aye, Captain. It appears that Flexo has outwitted us all. Especially me ... Bender.
Leela: How could Flexo have stolen the atom?
Fry: He must have used a sleep-ray on me. Sleep-rays exist in the future, right?
Leela: No.
Fry: Oh. Then I must've fallen asleep.
Leela: Well you were sure right about Flexo being evil.
Bender: I locked down the exits but he may have already gotten away.
Leela: OK, thanks, Bender. Let's fan out and look for him.
Bender: Roger that, I got a map of the ship right here.
Leela: Keep an eye on Fry. We can't rule out the possibility that he did it.
Leela: Aha!
Fry: Aha! Uh, searching ... hmm.
Leela: Fry? Why are you looking for Flexo in my underpants drawer?
Fry: I didn't find him here 10 minutes ago so I thought it was time to check again.
Bender: Well, he wasn't in the, uh, kitchen room.
Fry: Say, Bender, can I hold that map for a second?
Bender: And leave me high and dry in case of a scavenger hunt? I think not.
Fry: Give it up!
Bender: Alright, take it. Sheesh!
Leela: Well, looks like Flexo got away clean.
Bender: It's a darn shame.
Leela: He must have jumped ship with the atom the second we landed.
Fry: Or maybe, he never left at all! Wait a minute. You're Bender.
Bender: Of course, who said I wasn't?
Fry: But why were you wearing that scarf and the turtleneck and this fruity number?
Bender: It's a little thing called "style". Look it up sometime.
Barker: Our ninth finalist, Miss Methane Planet, Halatina Smogmeyer. And our tenth and final finalist, Miss Earth's Moon, The Crushinator.
Crushinator: Thank you, Bob Barker. I'm as happy as a girl can be. End statement.
Barker: Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home the atomic tiara?
Leela: Downplay the tiara.
Barker: Uh, we'll find out after these subliminal messages.
Barker: So you lost the atom, huh? You're garbage, human garbage! Do you brain-dead space jockeys have any idea how much that thing is worth?
Fry: 100,000?
Leela: 200,000?
Bender: 200,001?
Barker: You're closest without going over.
Fry: Well, uh, we'll be leaving now. If you'll just sign this form saying you received the atom.
Barker: I'm not signing squat. You find me that damn tiara before the pageant ends.
Leela: But, Mr. Barker-
Barker: Enough out of you. I may be against the fur industry, but that won't stop me from skinning you alive! As long as no one wears the skin.
Leela: Well, gentlemen, it appears we're boned.
Fry: Flexo!
Leela: Get him!
Barker: Next up in what is generously called the "Talent Competition", performing a traditional gangsta rap, Miss- What the-
Bender: Gotcha!
Women: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Bender: Shoot him, he's choking me!
Flexo: No shoot him, he's choking me!
Leela: I don't know which one to shoot.
Fry: Flexo! Shoot Flexo!
Amazonian: Women-only room!
Leela: Alright, enough of this. There's the atom!
Bender: Aw, jeez.
Fry: Bender? You stole the atom?
Bender: Yeah, but I can explain, it's very valuable.
Flexo: I saw him snatch it while Fry was asleep. That's why I ran to tell Bob Barker.
Fry: Whoa, whoa, wait a second. You mean Bender is the evil Bender? I am shocked. Shocked! Well not that shocked.
Leela: I'm sorry we suspected you, Flexo. It's just, what with the beard and all-
Flexo: Don't even bother. You people sicken me. I put my life on the line to guard that atom and this is how you repay me? Well you can go rot for all I care. Nah, I'm just kidding, you guys are alright.
Fry: I'm so confused. The Bender I liked turn out to be evil and the Bender I hated was good. How can I live my life when I can't tell good from evil?
Bender: Eh, they're both fine choices. Whatever floats your boat.
Url: Is this the guy?
Barker: Huh? Oh, yeah, that looks like him. Whatever.
Flexo: Wait, but I-
Barker: Take him away.
Barker: Alright, let's put an end to this pathetic hoedown. Brannigan, read the thing.
Zapp: And the winner is...
Leela: It figures. Who else but Zapp Brannigan would be judging the most chauvinistic, degrading, dehumanising-
Zapp: Huh? Leela?
Leela: Wait, you're making a- Ooh! Look at that. I feel like a princess!
Zapp: Wait. What are you people? Idiots? I'm still going mano a mano with this envelope. And the winner is Miss Vega 4. There it is, Miss Universe. There it is, looking weird.
Leela: I almost had that tiara.
Bender: Me too.
Fry: Well, you guys might both be losers but I just made out with that radiator woman from the radiator planet.
Leela: Fry, that's a radiator.
Fry: Oh. Is there a burn ward within 10 feet of here?