Nudar: Stand back you wing wangs. I'm gonna try out this timesphere with a quick test drive to yesterday.
Farnsworth: Bushwah. You can't go mucking about in the past without creating paradoxes.
Nibbler: I'm afraid he can. It's a paradox correcting time code. It all works perfectly. Except when it rips open the universe. Don't do it, I beg you ...
Nudar: Yesterday please, and make it snappy.
Crew: wha???
Nudar: Hello.
Nudar-2: Howdy.
Bender: Hey! What the ...?
Zoidberg: There was one, but now there's two.
Nudar: Nothing gets past you eagle eye. I went back to last night and met the me of that time for a drink. One thing led to another and we ended up at my place, or should I say our place.
Leela: Blech.
Nudar: Oh come on ya bunch of prudes.
Farnsworth: This isn't merely revolting, it's impossible to boot. I know a paradox when I see one.
Farnsworth: Whaaa?
Farnsworth: Ahh, paradox resolved. Someone get a mop.
Dwight: You're looking well pops.
Hermes: How can you look me in the eye 'n eye and say that? I'm nothin' but a brain. A useless, filthy brain.
Barbados Slim (Os): You forgot lice infested.
Hermes: I didn't forget it, I just chose not to ... Barbados Slim! What are you doin' here? IS there somethin' goin' on between you two?
Labarbara: Oh no no no no, we jus' ah happened to run into each other shortly after your accident.
Slim: And every night since then.
Labarbara: You're so crazy.
Hermes: Woman! No! Ohh, who am I kiddin'? Without my body, I'm a nobody.
Labarbara: I'm sorry Hermes. But look at Barbados. You can't argue with those luscious pecks.
Hermes: No I can't. But I can ask him to stop wiggling them in my face.
Slim: I'm not wiggling them. They do that by themselves.
Nudar: I think I'll go back in time and steal the Liberty Bell before it cracked. Or is the crack the valuable part?
Farnsworth: I don't know you naked crook.
Fleb: We have a problem Nudar. It's a one way time code. It can take us to the past, but it can't bring us back to the present.
Bender: Oh oh oh oh oh oh! Masters, if I might, let me do the stealing. I'll go to the past and snatch everything I can get my greasy mitts on. Then, as a robot, I could just wait it out for a few centuries in the limestone cavern beneath this building. Oh, it'll be ever so much fun.
Nudar: Hey, that's perfect. We sit back and let dum dum here do the stealing.
Bender: Dum dum away. Zero zero one one ...
Leela: The Mona Lisa!
Bender: Sorry, it's not quite finished.
Schlump: Da Vinci give you any trouble?
Bender: Let's just say he may not make it to The Last Supper. Hahahahahaha.
Farnsworth: Preposterous twaddlecock. Time travel is impossible.
Fry: But Professor, you time traveled yourself, remember, when we went back to Roswell?
Farnsworth: That proves nothing. And furthermore, you'd think I'd remember a thing like that. Plus, who are you anyway?
Bender: Man, this is fun on a bun. Here I go again.
Nibbler: Oh no you don't.
Bender: Scarab, four arm, bird, bird, bird!
Bender: Boo! Hahahaha. Naw, it's just me, Bender.
Farnsworth: I must tell you Hedonismbot, I hate to sell my doomsday devices to a private collector. But with my business stolen I have to make ends meet. You will be careful?
Hedonismbot: I shan't touch them till I've had Jambi lock the absinthe and ether away. Ohhhh, what does this one do?
Farnsworth: Uh, that one kills everything everywhere.
Hedonismbot: How delightful. And this one?
Farnsworth: Sir! The sphereoboom is not for sale.
Farnsworth: It's my sentimental favorite.
Hedonismbot: No need to explain. I too have known unconventional love. Perhaps you and I, and Jambi, could get together and compare notes sometime, eh?
Mc: ... resulting in peace between east and west coat rappers ...
Mc: Good god!
Bender: I accept this Nobel peace prize not just for myself, but for crime robots everywhere. Skål!
Bender: Not so neutral now, are you Sweden?
Leela: Be honest with me. Does my eye look monstery? I don't want to look monstery for my date with Lars.
Hermes: At least a monster has a body. What I wouldn't give for Wolfman's torso, or any of the groovy ghoulies.
Leela [Looking At Lars' Business Card]: Ohh, I think I'll wear that slutty dress I've been saving for Easter.
Fry [Taking The Card From Leela]: I'd like to punch Lars right in his ruggedly good looking face!
Nudar: Like all rich people, we're gonna need weapons to shoot poor people.
Schlump: In self defense?
Nudar: Yes, that too. Bender, go steal the doomsday device chained to the professor's wrist.
Bender: Never! Ha ha, I'm kidding. You guys know I have to do whatever you say.
Nudar: Here, swap this for the real one.
Bender: Ahhh! The old switcheroo.
Nudar: Yes, but don't wake him. You'll need jeweler's tools and foot cup silencers.
Bender: Hey, I don't tell you how to tell me what to do, so don't tell me how to do what you tell me to do. Bender knows when to use finesse.
Bender: Here ya go.
Nudar: Put it in the safe, clanky.
Zoidberg [Oc]: Owww!
Bender: Wheeeeeeee.
Zoidberg [Voice Over]: It's the damdest thing ...
Zoidberg: ... there I was in the dumpster enjoying a moldy fudgesicle when suddenly your hand flies over and slaps me in the tokhes.
Farnsworth: Yes, well, these things happen. Fortunately the sphereoboom is still safe.
Farnsworth: Scammed? Me!? Sweetheart?!? Ohh!
Hermes: You do a nice hand job, Zoidberg. Tell me, If I could find an undamaged body, could you recapitate me?
Zoidberg: Hermes, I'm a surgeon. When I see two body parts I sew them together and see what happens.
Hermes: Hmmm.
Hermes: All I'm askin' is for you to go back in time to when I still had my body and bring it back for me.
Bender: What do I do with your old head?
Hermes: I don't care in the slightest.
Bender: Can do!
Hermes: Come on, mon!
Zoidberg: Hermes, please. You can't hurry a delicate operation like this.
Hermes: Ohh! ... Ug! ... Argh! ... Ahhhhhh. What are those?
Hermes: You incompetent crab!
Zoidberg: I thought you were happy, your tail is wagging.
Hermes: Grrrrrr...
Farnsworth: I believe this paradoicality equation to be unsolvable, ergo time travel is impossible. But I can't quite prove it, Bubblegum. Perhaps you and your razzle dazzle Globetrotter calculus could ...
Bubblegum: Looks pretty damn solvable to me, Farnsy. Sweet Clyde, use variation of parameter and expand the Wronskian.
Farnsworth: Shizz, baby. So paradox free time travel is possible after all.
Bubblegum: Right on. But dig this multiplicand here.
Farnsworth: The doom field? That must be what corrects the paradoxes.
Curly Joe: When that momma rises exponentially, it could rupture the very fabric of causality.
Nibbler: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Farnsworth: Hermes, you got your body back. Hurrah!
Hermes: Yes, but not the original. Bender went back in time and picked up a copy.
Bubblegum: A copy! Funky cold medina. According to this equation, a time travel duplicate results in a complex denominator in the causality ratio.
Sweet Clyde: Oh Snap! Bet you know what that means.
Hermes: I can guess. Actually, I can't guess.
Bubblegum: Prof, you got a doom meter in this lab.
Farnsworth: Good Lord, Bubblegum. The duplicate body is emitting doom at ten times the back ground level.
Bubblegum: I thought as much. A duplicate body is always doomed. It's just a matter of time.
Hermes: I don't care. I just need it long enough to bird dog in an win LaBarbara back.
Bubblegum: Best bird dog fast my brother.
Hermes: That the way I bird dog best.
Lars: Drink, quick. I can't balance it much longer.
Leela: Wait .. I ..
Lars: Yes!
Leela: This is so much fun Lars. Most men are intimidated by the fact that I could kill them with the flick of my wrist.
Lars: Well not me. 'Cause if you do, you'll be stuck with the check.
Elzar: Folks, care for a little fresh ground executive?
Leela: Please.
Elzar: Bam!
Elzar: Don't get excited kids, this thing's got heart shaped nostrils. Want to see it make a star?
Leela And Lars: No!
Bender: Here's your Gutenberg Bible master. Plus the Colonel's secret recipe Chicken, Grease, Salt.
Fleb: Well, that does it. We've got every valuable object in history.
Fry: Owww!
Nudar: Hmm. Now that I'm rich I suddenly care if the universe gets destroyed. We can't use that dangerous time code again. Blank it from the robot's memory.
Bender: Ahhhhh.
Nudar: I'll vaporize this guy so his ass doesn't fall into the wrong hands.
Fry: Why don't you just remove my tattoo?
Nudar: Nice try. But you might have memorized it.
Fry: No I mighn't. I can't even remember my mother's maiden name.
Nudar: It's Gleisner.
Fry: Stupid naked aliens. Stupid Lars. I hate the future.
Fry: Hmmmm!
Bubblegum: Man, that cube root was a real buzzer beater, Clyde.
Fry: Zero. One. One. One. Zero. Zero. One. One!
Schlump: Blast him.
Bender: Ha ha! You missed! Oh great master.
Fry: Hello 2000. I'm home.
Voice: (OC) Happy New Year, naked weirdo!
Fry: Happy new year.
Nudar: Well, we'll never know where the ass guy went, and since we can't kill him, I say live and let live.
Bender: Aww, that's sweet boss. Fry'll be nice and cozy back in the year 2000.
Nudar: What?! How do you know he went to the year 2000?
Bender: That's where he always goes.
Nudar: Hmm. Better play it safe. Go there a little earlier and wait for him. You know what to do.
Bender: You want me to concludify him, like some sort of dispatcherator?
Nudar: Yes. And don't forget to terminate him.
Bender: Got it. Preparing to terminate Philip Fry!
Schlump: What's with the doofy sun glasses?
Bender: It's really bright in the past.
Bender: Ok, Fry. Come ta poppa. ... Man I'm bored. Ohhh!
Bender: Hey, there you are! ... Oh, wait, that's Fry before he goes to the future. I'm waiting for the one who comes back from the future. Geesh this is confusing, and I bet it's gonna get a lot more confusing. Offf. That cheap beer really goes right through you. For the first time ever, I gotta use the bathroom, but if I leave, I might miss Fry. Ohhhh unless ...
Bender-2: ... and I bet it's gonna get a lot more confusing. Huh! Ah! Wha?
Bender: Hi, I'm you from 19 seconds in the future. Stay here and wait for Fry while I go to the bathroom.
Bender-2: Ok Boss. After I kill Fry you're next.
Bender: What?
Bender-2: Nothing.
Bender-2: What the? Who are you?
Bender-3: I'm Bender from way at the end. I came back to put this rub-on time code on Fry's ass.
Bender-2: So what are you now, a butler? Spot of tea please, jerkwad!
Bender-3: It's called class, you yokel. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a buttocks to tattoo.
Fry: Hello 2000. I'm home.
Voice: (OC) Happy New Year, naked weirdo!
Fry: Happy new year.
Bender-2: Hasta la vista, meatbag!
Fry: Bender? What are you doing? It's me, your best friend.
Bender-2: Must obey orders. Ohhhhh. Mustn't kill friend!! Ohhhhhh!!! Badly want to urinate!!!!!
Fry: What's happening? Are you urinating?
Bender-2: Entering auto destruct sequence. Awww crap, I hate auto destruct sequence! Explosion in seven, six, ...
Fry: It'll be a cold day in hell my friend.
Bender-2: five .. Hey, I'm supposed to be the one saying cool things!
Bender: Hey ... so the game of cat and mouse begins, huh? Let us match wits. ... Ohhhh, how am I supposed to find him? All those times he blabbed on and on about his life in the twentieth century. If only I'd paid the slightest bit of attention. Oh well, guess I'd better go kill myself.
Cryogenicist (From Jurassic Bark): Hello, bartender? I have thought it over, and far from being a fat pig, you are very nice and I would like another drink ...
Bender: Take a barf buddy. Ok suicide booth, give me your best shot. Electrocution please, side order of poison. Helloooo? Kill me you stupid machine. ... What the ... local calls fifty cents? It's a street corner telephone parlor! Oh what kind of horrible suicide free time is this? Wait a minute, maybe this handy encyclopedia of humans will help me track Fry down.
Bender: One of these Frys must be Fry. Look out Philip Fry, 'cause I got a little present for you.
Fat Man: My name is Phillip Fry. Where's my present.
Bender: Hang on a second Fry. I don't remember you being that ugly.
Fat Man: Oh no, I've always been this ugly.
Bender: Huh. Let me see your ass. No tattoo. Okay, you can go.
Fat Man: Farewell sir.
Bender: Say your prayers, Fry.
Michelle: This isn't Fry. I kicked Fry out two hours ago. This is my new boyfriend ... uhhh ...
Constantine: Constantine.
Michelle: Really? That's a dumb name. Ewwww.
Bender: Hmmm, could be a trick. Let me see your ass, Constantine. Ohh, nice, now I see why she left Fry.
Bender: Okay, you're still clean. I mean metaphorically.
Bender: He must have left the city. Man, this could take all day.
Phil: The returns are looking good, Mr. Gore.
Al Gore: Thanks, Phil. Here's to four years of clean air, clean government, and amazing new technologies such as ...
Al Gore: ... ROBOT!
Bender: Philip Fry?
Transition Announcer: Twelve years passed. Then ...
Transition Announcer: ... this.
Bender: Philip J. Fry?
Yancy Fry, Jr.: Phil, some kind of trash can here to see you. He's coming.
Philip J. Fry Ii: Are you made of Tinkertoy?
Bender: Hmmm. It's been twelve years. Maybe I'm getting taller.
Philip J. Fry Ii: You're not getting smarter.
Bender: Listen, pipsqueak, are you Philip J. Fry or not? 'Cause if you are, I'm here to kill you.
Philip J. Fry Ii: I'd like to see you try.
Philip J. Fry Ii: You want Uncle Phil. He went to the North Pole on a fishing boat.
Bender: Ahhhh! The North Pole? I was just there.
Bender: One ticket to the North Pole, please, broom closet class. Fry? If only I could be sure. It is him, I'd recognize me, and hence him, anywhere.
Bender: Follow that guy. There's an extra hundred in it for you if you follow him so close that you run him over.
Al Gore: (cab driver) Yes sir.
Al Gore: Dang. That hundred dollars could have bought me one gallon of gas.
Bender: Ohhh! I lost him. People will call me a failure. Others however will call me the world's sexiest killing machine who's fun at parties. Fry, old buddy, it's me, Bender.
Bender: Wooo! I totally killed him. Oh god, what have I done?


Bender: Preparing to terminate Philip Fry.
Schlump: What's with the doofy sun glasses?
Bender: It's really bright in the past.
Bender: Mission accomplished.
Schlump: Fry is dead?
Bender: No other robot could have done it. It took twelve years of tireless stalking but I hunted down and killed my best friend. I'm the greatest.
Head Cleaner: Time code and obedience virus erased.
Bender: Huh?
Head Cleaner: Also, fifty terabytes of porn.
Bender: Hey!
Nudar: You've got no porn, no code, and you're ugly! Let's dance!
Leela: Now it's true we'll all miss Fry.
Zoidberg: He was the only one of you who never struck me.
Leela: And we'll never see if boyish smile and hair horn again. But I bet he went back to his own time. I'm sure he was very happy and lived to a ripe old age.
Bender: He wasn't and he didn't!
Bender: Struggling alone again incredible odds, I, Bender, managed to kill him. I blew him to mush like a midget in a microwave.
Amy: Awww, don't blame yourself, Bender.
Bender: I don't blame myself, I blame all of you.
Amy: Us?! How can you possibly blame us?
Bender: It ain't easy. It just proves how great I am. Ohhh, Fry, I'd give anything to unmurder you!
Fry: Did someone call me?
Bender: No. Fry? But ... I killed you in 2012. Unless ...
Fry: Ooph!
Bender: Nope, he's not a zombie.
Lars: Welcome back Fry.
Fry: Thank you, Lars.
Lars: I .. ah ... I .. I'll see you later, honey.
Farnsworth: So tell us Fry. If Bender killed you centuries ago, how in Satan's glorious name did you return?
Fry: Ohh, it's an astonishing tale of incredibleness. It all began when I went back in time.
Farnsworth: Duhhh.
Fry: Hey, Mr. Panucci, I'm back from that delivery to the cryogenic lab.
Panucci: Great. I'll put you on the cover of Big Whoop magazine!
Fry: Mmmm, I'm starving. Can I have a slice?
Panucci: Help yourself. Cash up front.
H.G. Blob (On Bill): This note is legal tender.
Fry: (VO) Unfortunately, I had no money from that era. But that's when it hit me - I knew where to find free pizza.
Fry: Ohh, ice cold.
Fry: (VO) That's when it hit me again ...
Fry: But an hour ago this pizza's still luke warm. Zero zero one one zero ...
Bender-2: (OC) Explosion in seven, six ...
Fry-2: It'll be a cold day in hell my friend.
Bender-2: five .. Hey, I'm supposed to be the one saying cool things!
Fry: Nice kick, me.
Fry-2: Thanks. What are you doing here?
Fry: One hour from now, I travel back in time for free pizza.
Fry-2: But Nibbler said not to use the time code.
Fry: Fine, Mr. Responsible, don't use the code. Mmmmm. That pizza sure was good.
Fry-2: You pig.
Fry: Whatever.
Fry: (VO) That's when it hit me yet a third time ...
Fry: You idiot, frozen me's still got a wallet full of old timey money.
Fry: Yuck, I touched my own butt.
Fry: So I unfroze ten minutes ago and I walked over here and then it was now and then I don't know what happened.
Bender: Well, I'm glad you're alive, but I don't want people to say I'm incompetent so I better kill you again. Hold still.
Farnsworth: Bender! Stop killing for a minute. The Fry you murdered was doomed anyway. See?
Bender: What'd ya got there? Numbers?
Farnsworth: When the time code duplicates a living thing, the copy is always doomed. And that includes flabby Jamaican potbellies.
Hermes: Kiss my front butt.
Fry: So my copy lives twelve years before Bender murdered him?
Bender: Brutally murdered.
Fry: I wonder what his life was like?
Scruffy: I guess we'll never know.
Zoidberg: Or will we?
Scruffy: Nope.
Transition Announcer: They won't know, but you will. Lucky you.
Fry-2: Oh hey Mr. Panucci, I'm back from the delivery to the cryogenic lab.
Panucci: I know. I read about it in Big Whoop magazine.
Fry-2: So ... uh ... my girlfriend kicked me out. Can I rent the upstairs storage room?
Panucci: The upstairs storage? I like you kid. Your lousy life makes me feel good about myself. The room's yours. Here, take some rat spray for the meat ball hamper.
Hermes: Happy day, mon! It's good to have you back.
Nibbler: Indeed, but the scammers will soon sprunje the code again. We must remove the time tattoo at once, and as painlessly as possible.
Lars: Hurry, they're coming.
Nibbler: There, the code is gone. I saved the space-time continuum and forty percent of your rectum.
Bubblegum: That's all you need.
Nudar: I sprunje code.
Nibbler: Too late, Nudar. I've wiped Fry's butt clean.
Nudar: We'll see about that.
Fleb: Nothing boss. We sprunjed his ass inside and out.
Schlump: The only information we found was a hair shaped like the number six.
Nudar: Give me that. mmm. Nine. Alright, let him go, I guess the time code really is gone.
Fry: Thank god. The present may stink, but at least now we can look forward to a better yesterday.
Fry-2: I'm sorry Leela, I can't keep living in the past, by which I mean the future. I'll always love you, but I've got to move on and find my life's purpose.
Tv Anchorman: ... and that how Bundles the monkey finally found a friend.
Fry-2: I miss Morbo.
Tv Anchorman: And finally tonight on the late, cute animal news, a story that will really tug your heartstrings, way more than bundles, the doll-raping monkey. It's the tale of lonely Leelu, the little orphan narwhal.
Fry-2: Awww.
Dr. Schlovinowitz: (on TV) Leelu is a rare, toothed female narwhal who got disoriented and washed up in Atlantic City, as we all do from time to time. But without a mother, she's lost the will to eat. Come on, take a sip.
Fry-2: I know how to make things eat. Maybe this is my purpose in life.
Fry: Hi, I'd like to apply for a job working with Leelu.
Dr. Schlovinowitz: Question number one, do you have any experience working with marine mammals?
Fry-2: No, but I think they're pretty neat.
Dr. Schlovinowitz: That answers question number two. Question number three, do you know where the door is or would you prefer to be kicked out?
Fry-2: I don't know. I guess kicked out.
Fry-2: Hiya girl. My name's Fry, and I think you're a cutie 'cause I like things that have only one thing instead of two things.
Dr. Schlovinowitz: Holy mackerel, she's eating whole mackerel. I don't know what your secret is but if you'll work for minimum wage you can start tomorrow.
Fry-2: If I work of less than minimum, can I start today?
Dr. Schlovinowitz: I don't see why not.
Morbo: (on TV) In business news, the weak and gullible inhabitants of Earth were plunged into economic depression today as the scammer aliens finished stealing every item of value, including ownership of this station.
Linda: (on TV)
Nudar: Tough times earth chumps. We're repossessing your TV. Seems you can't afford it now that you're unemployed.
Zoidberg: We're not unemplo -
Lars: I love the hard museum at night. It's where I come to be alone.
Heads: Hi Lars.
De Gaulle: Ah, Lars and la belle Leela. I trust you brought some haute cuisine for an old Frenchman.
Lars: You're favorite General, Torgo's Executive Powder.
De Gaulle: Mmmm. Magnifique.
Lars: Come on Leela, let me show you the hall of screaming skulls.
Leela: It's so romantic.
Lars: What's wrong? Is the screaming depressing you?
Leela: It's just ... my life is changing so fast. I don't know who I am anymore.
Lars: I know who you are. You're the woman I've been waiting for all my life.
Leela: Let's go to my place.
Lars: I ... like what you've done with it.
Leela: "All tenants evicted, signed new owners"?
Nudar: That would be us, dump cakes. We're buying the whole city and turning it into a private panda hunting reserve. Na-na-na!!
Leela: There aren't any Pandas in New New York.
Schlump: Back it up, Sal!
Amy: Look at us, living like trash eating bums in an alley now.
Zoidberg: Yes. Now.
Tinny Tim: And on Xmas eve, the most wonderful night of the ooofff.
Bender: Oops.
Farnsworth: Well, at least we have each other, so it truly is the worst Xmas ever.
Hermes: Santa!
"'Santa: Ah, the Planet Express crew. According to my list you've all been very naughty. I'll be back for you after I collect my milk and cookies from starving orphans.
Fry: That's it. I don't see how things could get any worse.
Bender: We could sing.
Farnsworth: I'd rather kill myself.
Amy: Why not do both?
Farnsworth: Oh, very well.
Farnsworth: I may as well jump. Those sleazy naked scammers make me look like a chump.
Nudar: Neh!
Farnsworth: They robbed me of my dignity And most of my stuff.
Leela: Lars brought me candy.
Fry, Amy, Zoidberg, Bender, Tinny Tim, And Nibbler: Cram it down and shut the hell up!
Hermes: I can't compete with that.
Hermes: He's Barbados Slim And I'm Jamaican fat. Who would choose a backwards corpse With lice in his hair?
Leela: Lars says I'm dreamy.
Fry, Zoidberg, Amy, Tinny Tim, Bender, Farnsworth: Who the hell cares?
Bender: Oh, won't somebody shoot her please And put her out of our misery?
Santa: That's my cue.
Tinny Tim: Oh my word!
Fry: Lars makes me puke. I bet she'd love me too If I was a blad headed kook.
Leela: Hey, guess what guys!
Zoidberg: What?
Leela: While we were huddled in fear, Lars popped the question!
Fanrsworth: Congratulations!
Zoidberg: Mazel tov!
Amy: May stars in heaven bless your love!
Bender: I think I'm gonna cry 'Cause it's an extra happy Xmas this year!
Fry: Now could things get any worse.
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho.
Lars: Stop screaming. That's just what the bomb wants us to do.
Zoidberg: I say do what it tells us.
Lars: Don't worry, a bomb in a case is just like a head in a jar.
Leela: Oh Lars! No blowing us up make me love you even more.
Fry: Life saving goody goody ...
Farnsworth: Well now that death has been staved off momentarily, let me be the first to say congratulations Leela and Lars.
Amy: Maid of honor!
Zoidberg: Maid of honor! Ohhh.
Fry: I could make you happy too, if only you'd give me a chance.
Dr. Schlovinowitz: You've done a wonderful job, Fry. When you first started, I thought she'd be dead within a narweek, which is six days I believe.
Fry-2: Nah. Leelu's a champ. She just needed someone to show her how to eat.
Dr. Schlovinowitz: Now that the kind of whale behavioral science they don't teach you in whale behavioral science class.
Fry: So what's up, Dr. Schlovinowitz?
Dr. Schlovinowitz: This is a little hard for me to say Fry. You see, it's ... it's time we released Leelu back into the wild.
Dr. Schlovinowitz: I'm sorry. The decision is final. Plus we need the tank for the Loch Ness monster.
Fry-2: But that turned out to be a log with a Halloween mask stapled to it.
Dr. Schlovinowitz: Yes, well, it still draws a crowd.
Fry-2: I can't let this happen, she'll never be happy without me.
Elzar: I know you're broke and homeless but you still want a swank wedding reception so I whipped you up some real nice budge appetizers.
Lars: Mmmm. I can keep these down.
Elzar: Okay! That's a big "yes" on the crud puffs. Try the shlimp cocktail.
Fry: There must be some way I can stop this wedding. What if I steal the wedding ring?
Bender: Already taken care of.
Fry: You think that'll be enough to stop the ceremony.
Bender: Nope. I pulled the old switcheroo, so they won't even know the difference. Wait a minute, I think the copy I made cost more than this.
Fry: Cheap lousy Lars.
Bender: Actually this is extremely nice, but I really went all out on the copy. It was sorta my gift to them.
Fry: I can't let this happen. She'll never be happy without me.
Fry-2: It's not fair, we need each other.
Panucci: Fry, you dumb sack, I don't care about your problems at all!
Fry-2: You need your blanket Mr. Panucci.
Panucci: I don't even want to be here. I only came 'cause you wheeled me. But if that narwal means so much to you, you gotta do something.
Fry-2: I know. But I can't just go chasing after her. That'd be nuts.
Panucci: Ah, Sometimes you gotta be a little nuts. Let me introduce you to my cousin. He owns a small freighter. That's him, right behind us.
Fry-2: Maybe you're right. Sir, I'd like to engage your ship for a trans-Arctic voyage to capture a Narwhal and bring it back to my room.
Panucci: The mans is nuts, Leroy.
Leroy: Professional whale keeper, eh? I've carried your type before and we don't get along. Oh, I agree with your values and your goals and your methods, but somehow we just never click on a personal level.
Fry-2: I'm not a professional anymore. Just a narwal loving private citizen.
Leroy: Then I'm you man. We'll take on three barrels of fresh sausage and sail at dawn.
Terry: Welcome to the wedding.
Fry: It's a fool proof plan. They can't sign the wedding license if I give them a pen with no ink.
Bender: Yeah, once they try to sign that license, all hell will break look. Oy vey.
Labarbara: Go on now, mon, don' cha' know nothin' about zippin' up a woman's frock?
Slim: It's more my thing to zip 'em down.
Hermes: Get your clumsy, muscular hands off my woman, Barbados.
Labarbara: Hermes! Your body!
Slim: I always said you were a little backward.
Hermes: Well, I always said you were a little forward ... with my wife.
Bystanders: ohhh!
Hermes: Consider yourself bird dogged.
Labarbara: That's my man. Take a boat, Barbados.
Bubblegum: Brother, you gots to tell that sweet thing your time duplicate body is doomed.
Hermes: Tomorrow morning. After the "festivities".
Bubblegum: Yow, baby!
Munda: Our little girl is finally getting married. And to a normal two eyed human.
Morris: Eh, he's not good enough for her. Leela deserves a guy with a dozen eyes.
Munda: Quit trying to fix her up with Fly Mutant.
Father Changstein-El-Gamahl: Dearly liked, we are gathered here before one or more gods, or fewer, to joining this couple in pretty good matrimony. If anyone objects to this union, let them speak now or forever hold their piece, or do something else.
Leroy: It's been two years, Fry. We've caught a hundred and eight narwhals and set them all free again.
Fry-2: None of them were Leelu.
Inuit #1: But all of them were edible.
Inuit #2: Can we at least eat that one? I'm sick of sausage.
Fry-2: I'd know that modified extended tooth anywhere. To the boats!
Fry-2: Leelu! Leelu! It's me, Fry.
Fry-2: Oh, I've missed you too, Leelu. But we'll never be apart again because we care too much for each other. Fire!
Father Changstein-El-Gamahl: Now, if the couple will sign the wedding license.
Farnsworth: I warned him. I warned him a time paradox duplicate is always doomed.
Lars: What?
Labarbara: Oh, no, my man! He's essentially dead again.
Dr. Cahill: Relax ma'am. Your husband's original body will be repaired within one week.
Labarbara: Nah uh uh. Not soon enough. Boy needs a daddy.
Slim: Cruel runnings, mon.
Dr. Cahill: Woopsy-doopsy, poopsy.
Hermes: Well, let's get on with it. Don't let my doomed body and my doomed marriage stand in the way of your happiness.
Lars: No, it's not right. We don't want our happy day tainted by misfortune and tragedy, do we?
Leela: I'm OK with it.
Lars: No, it's not right. The wedding is off.
Bender: Oh my goodness!
Fry: Finally, a happy ending.


Tv Announcer: And now it's time for Everybody Loves Hypnotoad.
Zoidberg: Even in a depression, the entertainment industry thrives.
Fry: Are you okay, Leela?
Leela: Yeah, I'm just a little down 'cause the only man I'll ever love left me at the altar. Plus I live in a dumpster.
Zoidberg: You stay out of my dumpster!
Announcer: We interrupt this episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad to bring you a special address from Earth President Nixon.
Announcer: Please, Hypnotoad, it's beyond my control. No! Don't make me kill myseIf!
Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, I'm about to close a deal that will allow us to buy Earth back from the scammers.
Bender: That'll teach those scammers and me.
Nixon: Just when things looked darkest, I received an e-mail from the Andrrrrrrromeda Galaxy. lt seems we've won their quadrillion-dollar family sweepstakes!
Leela: Oh, Lord.
Nixon: So assuming all goes ... What's that, Agnew? A telegram? Baroo! There ... seems to have been some ... We've been scammed again, people. Prepare to evacuate Earth. I mean, New Scamadonia.
Nudar, Fleb And Schlump: Na-na-na-na, Na-na-na-na, Hey, hey, hey, We took your stuff!, etc.
Leela: All aboard for Neptune!
Farnsworth: Oh, I don't want to go to Neptune.
Nudar: Thanks for the planet, suckers.
Bender: It's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency.
Leela: What are you, a whining machine? lf you want to worry about something, worry about the Yetis.
Zoidberg: Yetis? Oh, Yetis.
Leela: Don't mess with me, you ice-crapping snow-honkies. I just got dumped.
Hermes: Sweet Yeti of the Serengeti, she's gone crazy eddie in the head-y.
Inuit #2: Is that normal?
Inuit #1: No. Perhaps if we were to cook and eat her slightly...
Fry-2: Leave her alone. She just needs me to cheer her up. Wanna sword fight, girl?
Fry-2: That male narwhal seems to be upsetting her. Get us out of here, Captain. Full fast ahead.
Leroy: Damn whale keepers.
Leela: Santa! We forgot he's based on Neptune.
Santa: Ho. Ho. Ho...
Fry: What happened, Santa?
Santa: Can you imagine the harm they could do with that information? I wanted to do that harm!
Leela: That's it. They've gone too far. It's time to fight back.
Santa: Now, let's not resort to violence, Leela.
Leela: We're fighting back and you're helping us, you fat holiday idiot.
Santa: That hurt. You're on the naughty list!
Leela: So that's our proposal napkin, Mr. President. We have just enough people and ships to mount a ragtag attack.
Nixon: You wish, missy. Dog-danged scammers used our money to build a fleet of remote-controlled, solid-gold Death Stars.
Bender: Ooh! I'd take one of those with a side of chili fries.
Nixon: We're hopelessly outgunned. The Force is with us, but that's about it.
Santa: Ah, but we have access to a huge manufacturing complex.
Santa: I brought the elves back from vacation, Chained them up, and called my holiday friends ...
Kwanzabot: Kwanzabot
Chanukah Zombie: And the Chanukah zombie.
Santa: Three mad, wise men Baring murder and frankincense.
Neptunians: Damn you! Doo, doo, doodoo!
Santa: Shut up! Now fetch those bunnies by the armful.
Neptunians: Says who? Doo, doo, doodoo!
Santa: Says me! Napalm makes them slightly more harmful. No one here goes near that door, This toyshop's going to war!
Chanukah Zombie: Talmud says "Be slow to anger", Low-down scammers got me seeing red. Got my TIE fighter out of the hangar, Jump back, Jack 'cause I'm Jewish and I'm undead.
Neptunians: Ten hut! Doo, doo, doodoo!
Chanukah Zombie: Dreidl, dreidl I made it out of blasting clay
Neptunians: You're nuts. Doo, doo, doodoo!
'Chanukah Zombie: And when it's dry and ready, For mercy they will pay. I can't wait eight nights or more, This zombie's going to war!
Kwanzabot: Check, check it out, Kwanzabot, In the NeptizzIe-hizzIe. With my inhuman beatbox Busy building missiles. They're guided by these cute Dancing fairy figures, Careful, little elf, That's proximity-triggered. I'm fighting back for Kwanza So the children won't miss it. I'm confused about its meaning But I know it when they diss it. So, Santa?
Santa: Yeah, K?
Kwanzabot: CZ?
'Chanukah Zombie: Hey, hey.
Kwanzabot: Let's slay them pimps! C'mon, pimp my sleigh!
Chanukah Zombie: Easy with that toy artillery. Torgo's powder's deadly but unstable.
Santa: Can they sue for liability?
Nixon: Certainly not!
Santa: Use as much as you are able.
Neptunians: This bites. Doo, doo, doodoo!
Santa: You signed away your rights When you were hired.
Leela: Now, let's fight.
Nixon: Let's fight.
Neptunians: Doo, doo, doodoo!
Santa: Okay! Chestnuts roasting, I'm gonna open fire. Prepare for gore galore!
Santa, Chanukah Zombie And Kwanzabot: This trinity's going to war!
Leela: Troops, you are now equipped with the finest weapons magical elves can build. As for the battle plan...
Nixon: And now, to present the battle plan, Commander Zapp Brannigan!
Leela: What?
Zapp: At ease, people. I was redecorating my undisclosed location when I received word of an heroic invasion. Kif, crouch down and shield my thighs from the cold, for God's sake.
Zapp: We fight this battle, not for ourselves, but for our children and our children's children. Which is why I'm forming a children's brigade. Will the following youths please step forward? Cubert Farnsworth.
Cubert: Here, sir!
Farnsworth: My boy. Oh, God, no!
Zapp: Dwight Slim.
Dwight: Here.
Hermes: You took his name? Oh, God, no! In several ways!
Zapp: Assuming the 15th pile of children buys us a few seconds, we will then execute maneuver 45. Followed by maneuver 44.
Kif: Forty-six.
Zapp: Oh, great. Now I have to start back at the beginning with maneuver two.
Kif: One.
Lars: Admiral, will we stop attacking at any point or is this one of those phony-baloney, feel-good wars like the war on drugs?
Zapp: What's your name, smart mouth?
Lars: Lars Fillmore.
Zapp: Ah, the lovely Leela's on-again, off-again paramour. Perhaps a suicide mission would knockthe insubordination out of you.
Leela: Yes, yes, yes.
Kif: We're approaching Earth, sir.
Zapp: Who? Oh, planet Earth. The big blue velour marble. All commanders stand by. Prepare to transfer battle control to the main duper-computer on my mark! Ten, nine, eigh-
Leela: Does anybody mind if I take command?
Nibbler: No.
Sal: Nos.
Bubblegum: Nah.
Al Gore: Nope.
Cubert: No, Miss Turanga.
Donbot: No, I do not.
Santa: No.
Kwanzabot: It's cool.
Chanukah Zombie: Argh!
Leela: All right. Unit one, acquire target A and fire!
Fleb: Yes! Nailed the children's ship.
Farnsworth: Bingo!
Hattie: Cheating son of a...
Al Gore: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Leela: It's hopeless! I can't coordinate this many ships!
Hermes: Perhaps I can help! Professor, can you wire my head directly into the battle grid?
Farnsworth: I can wire anything directly into anything. I'm the professor!
Hermes: Then prepare to see a bureaucrat's brain in action.
Al Gore: Finally, I get to save the Earth with deadly lasers instead of deadly slide shows.
Clamps: He's champing for a clamping!
Kwanzabot: Kwa-zang!
Hermes: I did it! I saved Earth and won back my woman. Right, woman?
Labarbara: Oh, Hermes, I've been such a fool.
Slim: You haven't seen the last of Barbados Slim! Now, goodbye forever.
Nudar: Remember this, Farnsworth?
Farnsworth: Farnsworth? That's me! My doomsday device! So it was the scammers! They sawed off my hand and stole the doomsday device.
Bender: lt wasn't them. lt was me, Bender. The master criminal!
Nudar: So what'll it be? - Unconditional surrender?
Leela: Never!
Nudar: Or totaI destruction?
Leela: Also never!
Nudar: You have 30 seconds. Make up your minds!
Leela: Nevvveeeeer!
Bender: People, I'm sorry. You've never before heard me say those words, or even the individual letters that make them up. But I am. And with a huge amount of modesty, I humbly beg your forgiveness.
Nudar: Uh-oh. I have a worrisome shriveling sensation in my sprunjer.
Amy: Yay! Bender!
Fry: All right!
Fry: Bender, how the Hulk did you end up with the doomsday device?
Bender: I was working the long con all along. While sawing off the professor's hand with an extremely dull saw, I had some time to think. So I asked myself, "Who could use a doomsday device more? The scammers or me, Bender?". After several minutes of sawing, I knew the answer. Me, Bender. So I retrieved the dummy satchel ...
Bender: (VO) ... and as soon as I was out of the scammers' control, I pulled the old switcheroo.
Bender: And that's how I saved Earth and am the greatest!
Nixon: Bender the robot, I'm proud to present you Earth's highest award for swindling. The Dirty Double-Cross.
Bender: I'll aways treasure it and immediately hock it.
Lars: There, your body's good as new. Just pop in an executive suppository every few...
Fry: What is it?
Leela: Nothing.
Fry: It's supposed to be a celebration, Leela. I mean, come on. Whimmy-wham-wham-whazle!
Leela: I can't help it. I was gonna be married. I was so happy.
Fry: Well, maybe you'll meet someone else someday.
Leela: No, you don't understand. Lars is the only man I'll ever love. I know it in my heart.
Fry: You remember when we first met?
Leela: Uh-huh. lt was right there in the cryogenic lab, eight years ago today.
Fry: Meet me there in five minutes. It's important.
Fry-2: Why are you so sad, Leelu?
Fry-2: Him again? Wait a second, are you two...
Fry-2: Atanarjuat, Fufu, come here! We have to set Leelu free.
Inuit #2: Dang. I never should have quit my job at the casino.
Fry-2: Me, neither. But she needs what'll make her happy, not what'll make me happy.
Fry-2: Goodbye, Leelu.
Lars: I don't much know about frozen heads, but, of course, if it's Mahatma Gandhi, I'll... Leela?
Leela: Lars?
Lars: I... I really have to go, I...
Leela: Fry, was this an idiotic trick to get Lars and me back together?
Fry: Quite idiotic. But you don't need to be an idiot to see that you two belong together. And, Leela,I want what'll make you happy, not what'll make me happy.
Lars: I'm sorry, I really am, but Leela and I just can't be married.
Fry: Why not? You obviously love each other. What are you, cousins?
Lars: Fry, you deserve to know the truth. It's because...
Nudar: Nobody move!
Leela: Nudar! How did you survive the doom blast?
Nudar: My doom-proof platinum vest absorbed most of the radiation. In retrospect, I wish I'd been wearing doom-proof pants, but you know us nudists. Now give me the time code!
Fry: I don't have it! Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt.
Nudar: Not you.
Nudar: You!
Leela: Lars? He doesn't have it. He never had it. Fry had it!
Fry: But Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt! I want to stress that part!
Nudar: My throbbing sprunjer says otherwise. Now where is it?
Lars: I'm not afraid of you or your expensive gun! Go ahead and shoot!
Nudar: Oh, yeah? Then what if I kill the woman you love?
Leela: Don't you understand, numb-neck? He doesn't love me!
Lars: I've... always loved you. Don't hurt her. I'll give you the code.
Nudar: What the...
Bender-2: Four, three, two, one, Boom! Woah!
Leela: Lars, no!
Fry-2: It's enough just to know you're happy.
Fry-2: You, too. It's enough to know you're happy with Lars.
Bender: Fry, old buddy! It's me! Bender!
Fry-2: My hair!
Fry-2: My larynx!
Lars: I'm Lars? I'm Lars!
Fry: Wait for me, Leela! I'll be there in a thousand years.
Lars: So I got a job at the Head Museum and waited for the wonderful day when Leela would arrive. Everything was perfect until Hermes exploded at our wedding. That's when I learned that, as a time paradox duplicate, I, too, was doomed. I couldn't put Leela through that. So I called it off. I'm sorry, Leela.
Leela: I understand.
Crazy Guy: That concludes another Silly Willy Wideo Will!
Fry: He was a good man, Leela.
Leela: Yeah... you were.
Farnsworth: Well, I guess that wraps everything up in a nice, paradox-free bow.
Bubblegum: Not quite, my wrinkly brother.
Nibbler: Right on! In order for any of this to make any sense at all, someone must make one final trip back in time to put the code on Fry's ass in the first place!
Bender: Sounds like a job for me, Bender.
Bender: Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero...
Bender: Mission accomplished!
Fry: You put the time code on my ass?
Bender: Someone's ass. Oh, and guess what? I met all these really cool guys with treasure down in the limestone cavern, so I invited them to stick around instead of coming up when they were logically supposed to.
Nibbler: No! No! Everyone out of the universe! Quick!
Bender: What's the worst that can happen?
Bender: Well, we're boned.


Narrator: Previously on Futurama.
Morbo: It has now been one month since space ripped open like flimsy human skin. Terrified earthlings are beginning to grow exhausted.
Hermes: Professor, sprinkle us with wisdom from your mighty brain. How scared should we be?
Professor: Somewhere between not at all and entirely.
Zoidberg: I call entirely.
Morbo: Scientists believe the rip is a gateway to another universe, but do not know what mysteries lie beyond. However, in this reporter's opinion gruesome death awaits us all!
Linda: And now with sports, here's Sportsbot 5000.
Sportsbot 5000: All sports cancelled.
Professor: To better understand the anomaly, I will now focus its radiation on a giant medium-sized ant to see what happens.
Giant Medium-Sized Ant: What's going on here? I was told there would be sugar syrup.
Professor: Quiet, you.
Fry: Oh, hey, everyone, this is Colleen.
All: Hello!
Amy: I like your shoes.
Bender (Laughing): This is awkward. Introducing your new girlfriend to Chesty McNag-nag.
Leela: Oh, don't mind him. I'II turn him off.
Bender: Hey, you can't (voice slowing)turn me off...
Leela: Hi. I'm Leela.
Colleen: Hi, Leela, hi, everyone. Sorry I've been taking up so much of Fry's time. He's just so interesting. Have you seen how much cotton candy he can eat?
Professor: Oh, my, yes. 5.1 pounds. That's why his blood is so good on pancakes.
Fry: Well, got to skedoodle-oodle. We're taking a cuddle-cab to Hug-a-Bunny Village.
Zoidberg: This lovey-dovey stuff is making me vomit from my saltwater and freshwater stomachs.
Leela: It is pretty sickening.
Zoidberg: No, the double-vomit is a sign of joy. Fry told me how he and Colleen first met.
Zoidberg: So, how did you and Colleen first meet?
Fry: Well...
Fry: Something about seeing it on the Jumbotron makes it so much more real.
Colleen: It's so scary. What are you supposed to do when the whole universe is coming to an end?
Fry: I have a thought.
Bender: This is gonna be juicy. What? Oh, man!
Amy: Speaking of sappy love... Want to tell them, Kiffy?
Kif: Yes, Amy and I have a big announcement. I... That is, we... Oh, I'm just so excited.
Amy: Kif has asked me to be his Fonfon Ru.
Zoidberg: Mazel tov!
Professor: Wonderful!
Hermes: What the hell does that mean?
Kif: It means I've asked Amy to join my family. And you're all invited to my family swamp for our Fonfon Rubok ceremony.
Amy: If I had ever heard of it, it would have been what I had always dreamed of.
Kif: Oh! And our parents will be meeting for the first time ever.
Bender: That's even more awkward than Fry's two bimbos meeting each other. Count me in.
Kif: Mr. And Mrs. Wong, aren't you excited that we're all about to be joined in a single family?
Mr. Wong: You can't borrow money.
Mrs. Wong: Kif's parents come late and we have to stand around in swamp getting eaten alive by damn bugs? [She squashes a bug on her neck
Kif: Mrs. Wong, no. The finial stage of my species' life cycle is a colony of flying hookworms. You just squashed part of my father.
Mr. Kroker: Welcome.
Mrs. Wong: Sorry. I guess you got plenty of bugs to spare though, huh?
Mr. Kroker: That was my left testicle.
Bender: And the awkward meter goes up another notch. Ding, ding, ding, ding ding...
Fry: Wow, Colleen, you look so beautiful in the light of the swamp gas.
Colleen: Thanks. This is really fun. I love going to exotic worlds and getting hammered.
Fry: Me, too.
Bartender: Two more Harvey Wallclimbers.
Zapp: Leela, I can't help but notice you're unescorted. Might I escort you behind that bush for the next five minutes?
Leela: Nothing would revolt me more.
Zapp: Then how about that shrub?
Kif: Ooh! Rubok is begun.
Grand Midwife: I am the Grand Priestess.
Fry: Aren't you also the Grand Midwife?
Grand Midwife: And the grand Lunch Lady. I work five jobs, all grand. Kif of the clan Kroker, please transcend the Rubok Etlon with your Fonfon Smizmar Ru.
Kif: What?
Grand Midwife: Get in the mud. This mud is the petroleum from a billion generations of Kif's ancestors. As you become one with the ooze, so you become one with the clan Kroker.
Amy: Oh, Kif, it's like a movie with this happening in it.
Grand Midwife: Is the best man present?
Zapp: Guilty as charged.
Grand Midwife: Kindly hose the couple.
Grand Midwife: As it was, so it is. You may now eat the snake. If you so choose. It's not part of the ceremony. I just had an extra snake. Rubok is complete. Throw the bouquet.
Zoidberg: Are you going to eat that?
Bender: Fry, run, run. Get over here, oh, my God, oh, my God!
Fry: What? What is it?
Bender: Shut up already! Calculon's on TV!
Monique: I beg you, Calculon, don't ring that door chime.
Calculon: I have no choice, Monique. Whoever the blackmailer is, he lives behind this hideous yet strangely familiar door.
Human Friend: Calculon residence. Oh, hello, Mr. Calculon.
Calculon: Son of a bit. This is my house. But that means I'm blackmailing myself. Why didn't you tell me, Monique?
Monique: I tried to, but I couldn't. Oh, Calculon, I'm afraid you have a fourth personality the other three don't know about, and it and I are lovers!
Bender: How's Calculon going to take this, Fry, especially after that humiliating tennis tournament? Fry?
Fry: Don't know, Bender. Tonight's my big date with Colleen. I got to run.
Bender: But me and you like to watch together. Look, I got you a cabbage to snack on. Humans like cabbage, right?
Ride Barter: Step right up to the 2D Tunnel of Love. Not one, not three, but two glorious dimensions for the price of a single ticket. Keep your hands in the car, shut up, and have fun.
Fry: Wow, you even look beautiful in 2D.
Colleen: I do? But from your perspective, I'm just a line segment.
Fry: A really hot line segment. So, listen, sweetie pie, I was thinking maybe we should take this to the next step.
Colleen: Really?
Fry: Yes. Colleen...will you be moved in with by me?
Colleen: (SOFT GASP)
Amy: Way to go.
Zoidberg: Hooray, hooray.
Leela: That's great.
Bender: You're moving in with her? Why can't she move in with us? I could just curl up at the foot of the bed. (WHIMPERING)
Professor: Listen up, everyone. I know you've all been extremely worried about the cosmic anomaly.
Hermes: The what? Oh, right.
Professor: But there's good news! We're all going to learn more about it at a scientific conference.
Man Walking On Screen: ...like a city made of marshmallow.
Stephen Hawking'S Head: Welcome. I am the pickled head of Stephen Hawking on a way-cool rocket.
Leela (Embarrassed): Black hole Hawking? Wow, if I knew I was going to meet you I would have done something with my hair.
Stephen Hawking: You should have.
Stephen Hawking: In conclusion, I understand nothing about the anomaly, even after cashing the huge check I got for writing a book about it.
Professor (Standing Up): I know this anomaly is terrifying. But as scientists, is it not our sworn duty to seek out knowledge, even at the cost of our very lives?
[Cut To] Stephen Hawking: No.
[Cut To] Farnsworth: I say we must mount an expedition to the anomaly forthwith.
Wernstrom (Standing Up): I agree.
[Cut To] Professor: Wernstrom!
[Cut To] Wernstrom: Professor Farnsworth is correct. Only a manned mission can...
Professor: Don't listen to that crackpot!
Wernstrom: But I'm agreeing with you.
Professor: I'll make you eat those words, you moron!
Wernstrom: Ah! I volunteer to lead the expedition. I have a squad of graduate students eager to risk their lives for a letter of recommendation.
[Cut To] Professor: Your squad sucks bosons! My team is twice as qualified and three times as expendable.
The Pe Crew (Standing Up): Yeah!
Wernstrom: Oh, tough talk for someone with only one Fields Medal.
Crowd: Ooh!
[Cut To] Stephen Hawking: Ooh!
Professor: Wernstrom, I ought to...
Stephen Hawking: I didn't know I could do that. Now quiet down and settle this like men of science.
Professor (Sitting Down): Very well.
Professor (Vo): Let Deathball begin!
Farnsworth: Go, Planet Express!
Wernstrom: Go even more, my team!
[The Crowd Is Cheering. Cut To Hermes Running Across Screen From A Ball. Five Players From Wernstrom Team Push A Ball Into A Hole And The Hole Lights Up Red. Fry Looks At The Scoreboard. "Farnsworth: 0 - Wernstrom 1." A ball heads down a wall toward him.]
Fry: Leela, header!
Colleen (With Two Beers In Her Hands): Woo hoo! Bust those balls!
Zoidberg: Hooray! We're equally good!
Leela: Come on, Bender! Your grandmother could push harder than that!
Bender: No crap. My grandmother was a bulldozer.
[Cut To] Bender: And thus metal man defeated meat man. The end.
Colleen: Come here, winner!
Colleen (Looking At One Of Wernstrom Players): Come here, loser!
Fry (Confused): Colleen, what are you doing? My face is over here.
Colleen: This is my boyfriend, silly!
Fry (Confused): I thought I was your boyfriend.
Colleen: You are.
Fry (Confused): Well, how can you have two boyfriends?
Colleen: Oh, I don't. I have five. Fry, meet Chu, Bolt, Ndulu, and Shlomo.
Chu: Nihow.
Ndulu: Greetings.
Bolt: Pleasure.
Fry: But... But...
Colleen: Shlomo and Ndulu will help you move your stuff into my apartment tonight.
Ndulu: Welcome to the relationship, buddy!
Fry: Hmm?
Chu: There's my butterscotch.
Farnsworth: Congratulations, Deathballers! We've won the right to explore the anomaly!
Zoidberg: What? I thought I was playing for my freedom!
Farnsworth: No. Now, I've often said "good news" when sending you on a mission of extreme danger. So when I say this anomaly is dangerous, you can imagine how dangerous I really think it is.
Hermes: Not dangerous at all?
Farnsworth: Actually, quite dangerous indeed.
Hermes: That is quite dangerous!
Farnsworth: Indeed. Now stop shilly-shallying! Prep the ship and line up for your pre-flight coffee enemas!
[Pan To] Enema Bot: Warning. The enema you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.
Fry: I don't know what to do, Leela. Should I move in with Colleen and her four other boyfriends?
Leela: What are you going to do? Sleep in a big pile like hamsters?
Fry: No! It's not like that. Everyone gets his own room and a shelf in the refrigerator.
Zoidberg (Walking By): Take the deal, Fry! If there's a delicious cake, isn't it better to have one slice than none at all? Even if four other guys eat the other four slices, and they're all thrusting their sweaty naked bodies against the cake?
Amy (With Kif): Only one thing matters, Fry. Do you really love Colleen, like I love my little squeezle? [She squeezes him and his head expands and eyes expand out of his head. He giggles.
Fry: Yeah. I do love her.
Kif (High Pitched Voice): Then things will work out.
[Cut To] Farnsworth: Whoa!
Enema Bot: Double espresso for Philip Fry?
Fry (Standing Up): Sorry, I'm not going on the mission. I'm moving in with Colleen!
Kif: Good for you, Fry.
Zoidberg: Hooray!
Amy: Alright!
Fry: I'll just take that to go.
Colleen: Yay! Welcome to your new home!
Fry: Thanks, Colleen. And listen, I'm sorry I got jealous before. I'm just happy to be here with you.
Ndulu: Want a slice of delicious cake?
Bender(Vo): (Gasps) The anomaly!
Amy: It's so anomalous.
Hermes: I'm feeling dread deep in my dreads!
Farnsworth: Wernstrom!
Wernstrom: Yes, and I'm afraid I have disturbing news about the anomaly. You see...
Farnsworth: How did you get this number? Hermes, hang up on him in the rudest possible manner.
Hermes (Saluting Farnsworth): Yes, sir!
Wernstrom: No, not the crack slam!
Colleen: Oh, my life rocks. I've got good wine, five sweethearts, and today, I was promoted to Chief of Police.
Fry (Toasting Colleen): Here's to you.
Chu: Me?
Fry: No, Colleen. I'm making a romantic toast.
Chu: Sorry.
Fry: You have the most beautiful eyes I think I...
Ndulu: Thank you.
Fry: I'm not talking to you!
Ndulu: Then I am not talking to you, either.
Schlomo: Will everyone be quiet a little? I want to hear what he has to say!
Fry: Thank you.
Schlomo: Not you, you Verstinkener. You're just here 'cause she likes cave men from the stupid ages.
Bolt: Oh, look who's talking. You're just here 'cause she got matzoh fever.
Ndulu: So, what's the explanation for you, moron fever? (laughs)
Colleen: Enough! All of you! I love you. Most people in this world don't have what we have. Let's just be grateful, okay?
All: Yeah.
Chu: Yeah, you're right.
Fry: So, Colleen, you look really nice.
Colleen: Oh, thanks. I got dressed up for my date. There he is. Don't wait up!
Fry (Angrily): That's it. I thought I was okay with this, but I'm not. I'm breaking up with you!
Ndulu: Me?
Bender (Stammering): Why are we risking our lives? Can't we just send in a robotic drone? What's everybody looking at me for?
Bender: "Let's send a robot to explore it. 'Cause you can always buy another one for 20 bucks."
Leela: Really?
Bender: Well, it's 30 bucks, and there's a $10-mail-in rebate. When the League of Robots hears about this, they won't be pleased. Oh, you'll pay, my darlings.
Hermes: The League of Robots doesn't exist, tin mon. It's just a cartoon for babies.
Bender: Oh, yeah? Then how come when I was a kid, I had a whole sticker book of them? Answer that with your precious logic.
Bender (Within Inches Of The Anomaly): Bender to crew. I have reached the gateway to another universe. I feel awed and strangely humbled by the momentous solemnity of this occasion. (yelling) Hey, other universe, bite my shiny metal...


Bender: I can't remember anything except a blinding light and a searing ass pain. I better check my black box. BENDER "The light! It's blinding! And the ass pain! It's searing!" So that's what happened.
Amy: Hey, Bender! Look who's here to cheer you up.
Bender: I don't need cheering up. I'm perfectly...
Calculon (Entering The Room): Greetings, sick fan.
Bender: (Gasps) TV's Calculon! (He coughs)
Calculon: You poor, mangled husk of what was once a robot! What right hath fate to pluck a sweet, dimple-cheeked mechanism in the flower of his youth? And... Scene! There, that was some free acting for you. Ordinarily, to see acting like that, you'd have to sit through a tampon commercial.
Colleen (Sobbing): Where did we go wrong, Fry? We were meant to be together!
Schlomo: Nu, I'm freezing my tokhes off here.
Colleen (Happily): Just a sec, honey!
Bender: I'm back, idiots!
Zoidberg: You look wonderful, robut! I wish I could afford to go to a hospital. I'm dreadfully sick.
Bender: (laughs) I feel great, and I owe it all to Calculon. His visit really inspired me. I finally know what I want to be when I grow up.
Hermes: You want to co-star in his TV show? Like that time you already did that?
Bender: No. I'm gonna be a stalker!
Leela: That's not really a career. More of a felony.
Bender: Man, I'm gonna stalk his brains out. Ooh! Big news on the Calculon fan site! There's a flash mob headed for his plastic surgeon's office!
Plastic Surgeon: There, that's as big as I can make it. But I caution you, it looks completely unrealistic.
Calculon: You let me worry about that! Just do your job.
Bender: Neat!
Man: Get a shot of that.
Fatbot (Standing Outside "Robot Plastic Surgery"): Oh boy, oh boy, he's here.
Crazed Fan: Calculon, I love you! Have my baby!
Calculon: Back, you lunatic!
Crazed Fan: He touched me!
Bender: Sign my ass!
Farnsworth (Sniffing)(Vo): Emergency! Emergency! Everyone to the Calamitorium! Leela, smell this.
Leela: Can I wipe it off first?
Farnsworth: No time, woman! No time!
Leela (Sniffing): Hmm. Smells like angel dust.
Farnsworth: Exactly! That's a discontinuous electromagnetic field. Wernstrom tried to warn me, but I was too damn stubborn! Hermes, get Wernstrom on the line so I can apologize.
Wernstrom: Ogden Wernstrom speaking.
Farnsworth (Whispering): Tell him I'm not here!
Leela: Professor!
Farnsworth: Oh, very well. Wernstrom, I've been a vainglorious fool! If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, your tiny little heart, would you consider a scientific collaboration?
Wernstrom: Sir, I'd be honored.
Wernstrom: As I attempted to warn you, the laws of electromagnetism change abruptly at the anomaly. Observe.
Pocket Pal: Play time is fun time.
Wernstrom (While Hurling The Robot Into The Anomaly): Not this time.
Farnsworth: My heavens! If only I'd heeded your warning, I'd have known it was impossible to cross the barrier!
Wernstrom (While Opening A Barrel Labelled "Lab Animals"): But note what happens when I instead throw this laboratory koala.
Farnsworth: It passed through unharmed. So living beings can enter the other universe, but electrical devices can't?
Wernstrom: My hypothesis exactly.
Farnsworth: Then we must mount a second expedition without delay. Right after we blow up more robots.
Wernstrom: Agreed.
Farnsworth: Play time is fun time.
Calculon: Who are you?
Bender: Bender, your biggest fan.
Calculon: Are you going to murder me?
Bender: Unlikely. In my mind, we're friends. This diorama proves it, see?
Calculon: Sir, your derangement is impressive. I'm appointing you my official stalker.
Bender: You shan't be disappointed. Pleasant dreams. [Calculon turns the lights off and his eyes close, but Bender's do not. Instead they extend out towards Calculon's eyes. Calculon opens his eyes and looks at Bender's as they quickly move even closer to his own.
Farnsworth: Now that I've teamed up with my friend, Dr. (spiteful tone) Wernstrom, (normal tone) I feel certain we can successfully penetrate the other universe.
Wernstrom: It's the greatest scientific opportunity since you yourself sent men to the moon in 1969.
Nixon: I always regretted that. Nothing up there but dry rocks and those revolting onion men.
Farnsworth: But...
Nixon: You East Coast intellectuals had your chance. Now beat it! From here on in, this is a military matter.
Nixon: People of the universe, please welcome Rear Brigadier Zapp Brannigan.
Zapp: Thank you, thank you. Well deserved. (To Kif) Kif, stand in that hole so I look taller. (To crowd) Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream. To kill him, so we don't have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things.
Wernstrom: Give science a chance!
Farnsworth: Less invasions, more equations!
Nixon: Damn long-hairs. Knock some sense into them, Chief O'Hallahan.
Colleen: Yes, sir!
Fry (Sobbing): I can't take it, Leela. I need to go away. Far away, forever.
Leela: Aw, I know how you feel, Fry. There are times when I also feel like you need to go away.
Amy: Be careful, my little, teeny, greeny weenie.
Zapp (Grabbing/Covering His Groin): That's just a fungal infection... Oh, she's talking to you, Kif.
Kif: Goodbye, my love.
Bender (To Calculon): Wow, how come humans get to do all the fun stuff? This is exactly the sort of thing that ought to be handled by (whispering) The League of Robots.
Calculon: (He laughs.) That's adorable, Bender. You actually believe in the League of Robots?
Bender: You mean, there's really no such thing? Then who's there to mete out justice when an outdated robot is melted into belt buckles? Who's there to defend our honour when a rude human brings a blush to a robo-virgin's cheek?
Calculon: No one.
Bender: Oh.
[Zoom Into A Close-Up Of Bender'S Face To See A Tear Run Down His Cheek. Cut To Amy Standing Alone, Watching The Nimbus Leave For Space. She Turns Around To Face The Screen And A Tear Runs Down Her Cheek. Cut To Farnsworth, Still Being Beaten By The Three Officers. A Tear Runs Down His Cheek. Cut To A Shot Of The Nimbus Flying With Its Escort, Zoom Into A Window Labelled "Stowaway Hatch 35: Unauthorized Access Only" to reveal Fry standing in it. He looks back to face Earth and a tear runs down his cheek.]
Bender (Vo): Now that I know robots are worthless, with no League of Robots to protect us from the fleshy menace known as man, I have resolved to kill myself. In lieu of flowers, please beat yourselves in the face with rusty chains. Your friend, Bender.
Zoidberg: Ow.
Suicide Booth: Please select mode of death.
Bender: Clumsy bludgeoning, please.
Suicide Booth: You have selected clumsy bludgeoning. For an additional $10, would you like your eyes scooped out with a melon-baller?
Bender: What the heck, I'll treat myself.
Zapp: Enemy in range. Prepare to launch universe-to-universe missile.
Kif: Preparing to launch U.U.M.
Zapp: Hell of a thing to send a universe to certain doom. Fun, though. Makes a man feel big.
Bender (Tapping His Foot): Come on, come on, I didn't ask to die of boredom!
Suicide Booth: You are now dead. Please take your receipt.
Bender: What's... What's happening?
Hooded Robot: Kneel before the candle.
Bender: Don't hurt me! I'll betray anyone!
Hooded Robot: Bender Bending Rodriguez...
Calculon: Welcome to the League of Robots!
Zapp: Ready? And... Fi-... Almost fooled you there. Fire!
Francine: Missile jam. Missile jam.
Zapp: I heard you the first time, Francine.
Francine: Sorry.
Zapp: Kif, climb down there and un-jam it, would you? Be a dear. And stop sighing so much.
Calculon: Tell us, Bender. Are you worthy of membership in the League?
Bender: Worthier than the average robot.
Calculon: Then prove it. Upon each step is a test.
Bender: Okay, but if it's culturally biased, I'm suing your ass.
Calculon: Test number one. The test of the beer mug!
British Robot: Quite right, quite so.
All: Drink the mug! Drink the mug!
Bender: I accept your challenge.
All: Hurray!
Hedonism Bot: The test of the flagon!
All: Drink the flagon! Drink the flagon!
Bender: Are all the tests going to involve drinking?
Calculon: It never occurred to me before, but yes.
Bender: Wohoo! Just like med school!
Zapp: Ready yet, Kif?
Kif (Tinkering With The Missile, Legs Hanging Out Of The Missile Bay): Just give me one more...
Kif: Oh, no.
Billionaire Bot: The test of the infinitely priceless 1,000-year-old brandy.
Calculon: Presenting our newest member.
Fender: That's right, baby!
Bender: Hot diggity daffodil!
Fry: And so, to everyone and everything I've ever known, I say my last goodbye.
Kif: Hello. So, how are you, Fry?
Fry: Pretty good. You?
Kif: Well... Oh.
Zapp: Mmm. Kif, get over here. You've got to try this!
Amy (Sobbing): At least Kiffy died quickly.
Hermes: Yes, but according to the Old Farmer's Wikipedia, the amazing thing about Kif's species is that the remains continue suffering for up to six hours after death.
Amy (Sobbing): That's so interesting!
Bender: Don't ask where I was last night. For all you know, I was at home, perhaps baking a strudel. What's her problem? Somebody die or something?
Leela: Kif's dead, Bender.
Bender: Nailed it!
Zapp: My condolences, Amy. Allow me to present you with the last known photo of Lieutenant Kroker.
Mrs. Wong: We so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Kroker. Terrible shame about Froggy.
Mrs. Kroker: Thank you for your kind words.
Mr. Wong: Yeah, yeah, real sad. Want some breath spray? Cinnamon flavour, taste like pie.
Bender: This is from the league of you-don't-need-to-know.
Grand Midwife: I am the grand funeral director!
Zoidberg: Do you validate parking?
Grand Midwife: It is always a terrible tragedy when a swarm outlives its own bulboid. So it is with great sorrow that I now commit the goo that was once Kif to the petroleum of his ancestors.
Leela: Whack the bottle!
Hermes: No, from the bottom ! It works better!
Amy (Sobbing): Just stick a butter knife in it!
Grand Midwife: There, I got most of it. The burial is complete. I will now sing the sacred hymn. It's not part of the ceremony, just a little something that I wrote.
Bender (Interrupting The Song): Next!
Amy: It may sound strange, but seeing Kif's mutilated remains poured into the mud made me really sad.
Leela: Mutilation is never easy.
Amy (Crying): I don't think I'll ever love again.
Leela: Oh, you don't mean that. Love can surprise you at any time in your life.
Zapp: Surprise!
Fry: Whoa, it kind of takes your breath away.
Url: Look alive, death row. Your saggy asses got a visitor.
Farnsworth: Regular or conjugal?
Url: She looked like a freak to me.
Leela: The guard operating the x-ray machine came down with a sudden case of broken neck, so I was able to bring you that delicious cake you wanted.
Farnsworth: I don't understand. Are you winking or blinking?
Leela: Hang on a second.
Farnsworth: Got it!
Bender: Ahh, yes, I'm here to repair my horse.
Shop Owner: Is the horse's name (whispers) Hot Beans?
Bender: No! I mean, yes.
British Robot: So it seems a human had been rather injured by a knife, and as his... As his blood, you know, I think that's what they call it...
Calculon: Quite correct, sir. Blather on!
British Robot: As it drained away, he said... He said, Take me to a dock. No doubt he intended to say doctor, but he was unable to complete his thought, you see, being as he had died. So, taking him at his word, we dragged his corpse to the waterfront, whereupon the seagulls fed upon it.
Bender: Humans are dumb and they die easy!
Hedonism Bot: Quite!
Billionaire Bot: Speaking of humans, have I shown you my new monocle? Cost me a king's ransom. Made from a king, don't you know!
Hedonism Bot: Oh, how repulsively decadent!
Billionaire Bot: Yes. But more importantly, it allows me to see the smiling faces of my children for the first time since I lost my vision in that horrible banking accident.
Bender: May I see that for a second? My, but that's interesting!
Hedonism Bot: I say!
Billionaire Bot: I'm blind!
Calculon: My God, Bender! This is a civilized organization! The rules specifically...
Bender: May I make a point of order, President Calculon?
Calculon: Must you?
Bender: Yes.
Bender: The bylaws specifically state that no human may set foot in the League of Robots! If he has a human part, he's part human!
Hedonism Bot: Oh, my! Then I too have a human part I must expel. And I plan to enjoy the experience. Ta-ta !
British Robot: Bender, you've rigidly applied the law with no regard for its intent. Well done! You'll go far in this organization.
Bender: Oh, you're just gettin' to know Bender.
Wernstrom: Curses! If we could only turn up the gain, we might smell clear through to the other universe! But we can't adjust it without a screwdriver.
Farnsworth: Wait a moment. I think I was just shanked with a screwdriver! Yes!
Wernstrom: A little more. A little less. Heavens to meteoroid! Smell this!
Farnsworth: Holy mother of invention!
Wernstrom: We must notify the President at once!
Farnsworth: But how can we? Oh, I wish, I wish, I wish we weren't in prison!
Farnsworth: Pazuzu!
Pazuzu: You have one wish left, Professor.
Nixon: Sometimes... Always... Never! You again? This better be damned important. I'm right in the middle of a Cosmo survey!
Farnsworth: You'll want to hear this, Mr. President. For we have sniffed where no man has sniffed before!


Mayor Poopenmeyer: Look! Up in the sky!
Hermes: It's a bird!
Hattie Mcdoogal: It's a plane!
Super Hero: I am so out of here!
Zapp (Vo): Captain's log, star date, the year of the tiger. The battle has been bravely fought, and the suffering of our troops beyond measure. But the alien is invulnerable, and our defeat inevitable. That much is obvious, even from my remote command post here at the Times Square Applebee's. Waiter! Take this fried mozzarella back to the kitchen and fry it some more.
Nixon: Har-harrooo! The tentacle's coming towards Earth and there's no stopping it. King Kong's too old to save us this time.
Farnsworth: We have only one hope, Mr. President. We must encase the entire planet in a protective sphere of my patented, ultra-hard Diamondium!
Wernstrom: Diamondium? (He scoffs.) I could gum through that with my dentures behind my back. My trademarked Diamondillium is twice as hard!
Farnsworth: Twice as hard as your head! Which makes it still fairly soft!
Nixon: Now look here, you Poindexters. I don't care how you decide. Just decide!
Farnsworth: Diamondillium it is.
Bender (Standing In Front Of The Fireplace): So, hey, Calculon, I know I'm the new guy, and, pardon my ignorance, but when do we kill all humans?
Calculon: Never.
Bender: But what about our motto? Doesn't it mean anything?
Calculon: Oh, Bender, your idealism is heart-warming. But the League of Robots hasn't killed a human in over 800 years. And that was a very sick girl scout.
British Robot: Quite sick indeed.
Calculon: Sweet, innocent Bender.
Wernstrom: I declare my impenetrable Diamondillium sphere complete!
Farnsworth: Now look here, Wernstrom. You're making it sound as if the sphere was your idea when we both know... It was! All credit to my colleague, Ogden Wernstrom!
H. G. Blob: It's horrible!
Zoidberg: I can't make it! Go on without me!
Leela: I'm trying!
Zoidberg: Go on without me faster!
Hermes: Sweet squid of Madrid! The tentacle got Fry!
Leela: Quick, hand me my machete! We can still save his legs!
Fry: Silence! I have traveled far and seen deep, and I have come to know the purpose of our existence.
[Cut To] Randy: Finally.
Fry (Who Is Now Shown On The Jumbotron): Thou shalt love the tentacle!
[Cut To] Farnsworth: Well, at least we don't have to love one another.
Fry: A new age has begun. The age of the tentacle! Open your necks and receive the love!
Warden Vogel: Ow, my neck!
Morgan Proctor: Ow, my neck!
Fishy Joe: My neck feels perfectly... Ow, my neck!
Zoidberg: Hooray, Zoidberg escaped! Hooray, Zoidberg loves the tentacle!
Hermes: It got Zoidberg!
Farnsworth: Oh, I never knew how much I'd miss him until he was gone! Not that much, as it turns out.
Fry: Thus sayeth the tentacle, "Verily, thou shalt rejoice in the house of the tentacle."
Leela: Fry, listen to yourself. You've been brainwashed.
Fry: No, I'm just trying to fit my diction to the importance of what I'm saying. Please, let me speak.
Leela (Pointing A Gun At Fry): I'm listening.
Fry: Don't be afraid of the tentacle, Leela. It's beautiful and it loves me. And I love it.
Leela (Pointing Two Guns At Fry): Aw. That's so nice for both of you.
Fry: I know it may seem strange that I have feelings for an octopus monster from another universe. And yes, perhaps it's not the storybook romance that's been crammed down our throats by (quoting the syllables) "Hollywood." But the Monsterpus has loved us from afar since we were amoebas. Only when the space anomaly opened could it finally express a billion years of longing.
Leela: Really? It loves us that much? Fire Diamondium cannon!
Fry: Hey! [He yelps as he's constantly swung out of harm's way.
Leela: No effect. The crystals are bouncing off the tentacle like meatballs off Mothra.
Wernstrom: Oh, what a surprise. I told you Diamondium was worthless!
Farnsworth: Wernstrom, quit hyping your cheap Diamondillium and look at this.
Wernstrom: Uh-oh.
Hermes: What oh?
Farnsworth: According to this blinking light, the tentacle is made of electro-matter, matter's bad-ass grandma! Nothing from our universe can cut through it. Not Diamondium, not Diamondillium, not even your wife's pound cake, Hermes! (To Wernstrom ) She's a terrible cook. (To All ) Anyway, we're all dead.
Bender: So, Bender, is something wrong? Who said that? Oh, it was me! 'Cause my roommate doesn't notice or even care that I'm upset!
Fry: What, Bender? Is something wrong?
Bender: Yes! I joined a club I thought was cool, but it turns out all the leaguie-weegies are totally lame. That's what we call ourselves, "leaguie-weegies."
Fry: I'm sorry. I should've asked what was bothering you. I've been kind of preoccupied.
Bender: With what?
Fry: Well, I went to another universe, and I fell in love with a giant octopus, and now I'm pope of a new religion.
Bender: Weren't you already pope of something?
Fry: No.
Bender: Oh. Well, I'm just saying I'd like you to show an interest in my life, too.
Fry: Okay, let's catch up soon. But right now, I gotta go shove a tentacle into everyone in China.
Linda (Screaming): They're coming! Those horrible, horrible things are coming! (Calm) Morbo?
[Cut To] Morbo: As the universe falls prey to the revolting alien, only a few isolated pockets of resistance remain.
Linda: Those pockets sure are missing out on a great thing.
Leela: Amy?
Amy: Sorry. I thought I saw a tentacle, but it was just a harmless land squid. I better have some cocoffee.
Hermes: When I gave up diapers, my parents promised exactly this would never happen!
Leela: Nobody panic! Just get to the panic room!
Fry: Well done, people! We had a great first week. We got 90% of world leaders, everyone who bought a Hanes undershirt, and this year's most promising new R&B group, give it up for the Grammy-nominated Funkalistics!
The Funkalistics: (singing) Talkin' 'bout the tentacle!
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I was up all night inventing, and then finally, I invented!
Amy: Invented what?
Farnsworth: The neck protector, the neck protector junior, and now, for a limited time, the lady neck protector!
Hermes: I'll take two. My neck is huge.
Farnsworth (Typing On The Keyboard.): We're perfectly safe now. Time to stop living like a bunch of nervous nellies.
Leela: Professor, these look like you cut them from cardboard toilet paper tubes.
Farnsworth: So? Lots of important inventions are made from toilet paper tubes. Microscopes, the internet, tentacle polish...
Leela: It got the professor!
Hermes: Wait, why am I screaming? It got me, too!
Wernstrom: Stop, in the name of love!
Leela: Crud. We may be the last two normal people on Earth. At least I won't have to trim my elbow talons anymore.
Amy (Crying): I'm scared! And I miss Kif!
Leela: It's okay to cry, Amy. Come here, I'm wearing absorbent shoulder straps.
Zapp: Mmm. What an erotic display of girl-on-girl consolation.
Leela: Zapp?
Zapp: Hurry, Leela, we don't have much time to begin repopulating Earth. Go brush your teeth. I'll be waiting for you naked under this keh-suh-dilluh.
Hermes: Stop resisting, my brethren! Don't you want to be part of something bigger than yourselves? Like a big crazy monster?
Fry: So we got her, huh? Bring her in!
Zoidberg: Do it already!
Fry: Hello, Colleen.
Colleen: Fry, please!
Colleen: If this is about your futon, I sold it to pay the phone bill that you skipped out on!
Fry: Colleen wasn't satisfied with me. Were you, Colleen?
Colleen: Come on, Fry, this isn't cool!
Fry: She had to have four other boyfriends! I guess she never thought I'd become tentacle pope of the world!
Colleen: You know what? It's true! You weren't enough for me! No one man is! You were great, but you weren't Chinese, you weren't Cameroonian, and you certainly were not the "king of karaoke," as you so often claimed. And if your ego can't take that, then you don't deserve to be tentacle pope of anything!
Fry (Raising Into The Air With Clenched Fists.): Oh, yeah, Colleen? Well, I've got one thing to say to you. (Calm) I completely agree!
Colleen (Confused): You, you... What?
Fry (Walking With Colleen.): Why should you be satisfied with one man when love needs to share itself with the whole universe?
Colleen: Wow, Fry. You know, that's really...
Fry: Love the tentacle, honey.
Colleen: I do love the tentacle.
Fry: Come on out, guys! There's enough love for everybody!
Zoidberg: Aw.
Amy: We're trapped!
Leela (Into Her Wristlomojacker): Help, help! Is anyone out there?
Bender (Over Leela'S Wristlomojacker): Bender to Leela. I read you. (Direct) 'Sup, bigboots?
Leela: Bender, we need a place to hide!
Amy: Please!
Zapp: Pretty please!
Bender (Laughing): You humans are so cute when you're scared. In here.
Destructor (Leaning Against A Building): My leg feels funny!
Bender: Humans are disgusting! I opened one up once. I almost barfed.
Destructor: Did you know their hair just keeps growing and growing? My leg feels funny!
Amy: Leela, you're crushing me with your rock-hard butt.
Leela: Sorry.
Zapp: Mmm. I can only imagine what rock-hard part of Leela is crushing me.
Calculon: Anyone mind if I turn up the heat a tad?
Zapp: I can't take it! I'm being steamed in my own velour!
Bender: Death to humans!
Destructor: My leg feels better!
Amy: Hi, Bender.
Calculon: Bender, you know these humans?
Bender: Of course not! Who are you humans and why am I pointing you to the exit? Go, go, go!
Leela (While Running Away.): Thanks for everything, Bender!
Bender: Death to all of you!
Calculon: Bender, methinks thou doth protest too much.
Hedonism Bot: It seems Bender hates humans the way I hate having my nipples polished with industrial sandpaper.
British Robot (Laughing): Quite right.
Calculon (Laughing): It's okay, Bender, to heir is human.
Bender: Sir, you forget yourself!
Bender: I challenge you to a duel on the field of honor.
Hedonism Bot: Oh, my...
Zapp: Leela, it's getting dark. We may have to make a tent out of Amy's skin.
Amy: Look, there's an abandoned cabin!
Zapp: Even so.
Leela: We're in luck. This must have been the cabin of a soup bootlegger back in the days of soup prohibition.
Zapp: Oh, yeah. Bathtub minestrone.
Amy (Sobbing)': Poor Kif! I can't believe he's gone forever!
Zapp: Ditto on the grief there, Amy.
Amy: You miss him, too?
Zapp: More than you, as his mere wife, could ever understand. He was my fourth lieutenant, for God's sake, and bore the peppermill at the captain's table.
Amy: Really?
Zapp (Sobbing): Oh, Amy, I miss him so! Hardly a month goes by that I don't think of him. But you know, in a way, he's still with us. Do you feel his presence?
Amy (Crying): I'm not sure.
Zapp: It's over here. Closer.
Leela: Amy! Zapp! I fetched up some fresh soup!
Zapp: Sorry you had to find out like this, Leela. I was hoping you'd see it on YouTube first. As my ex-lover, you're naturally shocked and jealous, but you may well get your chance again someday. How about today at 4 00?
Amy: Hey, this isn't so bad.
Zapp: She's right. Leela, you must try the tentacle. It's like my soul is wearing a velour body glove.
Leela: Get off me! I'm saving my neck for a rich, handsome Dracula.
Farnsworth: What I love most about the tentacle is that I don't need to move my bowels anymore. It's all handled by that family in Evanston.
Leela: No, it can't be.
Farnsworth (With Many Tentacles Behind Him): Leela, what's your favourite thing about the tentacle? You don't have a tentacle! Get her! Get her some love!
Zoidberg: You're on in five minutes, Excellency. You sure you don't want your comedy pope staff?
Fry: The tentacle monster is about to address the world. It's too serious.
Zoidberg: Oh.
Leela (From The Doorway): Hello, Fry.
Fry: Leela? How did you get past my sumo ninjas?
Leela: I told them something so shocking that they let me by.
Fry: What's that?
Leela: I love the tentacle.
Zoidberg: We're rolling in three, two... What? We're already rolling?
Fry: Love the tentacle!
All: Love the tentacle!
Fry: Loved ones, the Monsterpus has revealed unto me its name.
Morbo: What is our love's name?
Fry: Yivo. Yivo is the lover of all beings, male and female. But Yivo has no gender, thus Yivo has proclaimed that instead of "he" or "she," we are to use the word "shklee." And instead of "him" or "her," we are to use the word "shklim," or "shkler."
Hermes: Phew! I've been sweating the nomenclature all week.
Fry: So here shklee is shklerself, Yivo!
Colleen: Yay, Yivo!
Yivo: Attention, beings of Universe Gamma.
Zoidberg: Where?
Yivo: Here.
Zoidberg: I had a hunch.
Yivo: I am Yivo. In your universe, you are many, but in my universe, I am one. For a trillion years I dwelt in solitude, content with my job and my stamp collecting, but then I looked across immensity and saw the big bang, and I was, like, "Whoa, who's that?" And I knew then that I was lonely.
Morbo (Crying): You poor monster!
Yivo: Then your emissary Fry came unto me, and he, too, was lonely. So I reached into your universe that we might feel each other's touch.
Leela: Hey, Yivo, feel this.
Yivo: Ow!
Leela: People of everywhere, I have shocking news.
Yivo: Hey, butt out! This is between me and everyone else in existence.
Leela: Yivo talks a lot about love, but what he's actually doing...
Hermes: What shklee's actually doing.
Leela: ...is mating with you! These aren't tentacles. They're genticles.
Fry: Ew!


Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.
Hermes: Why can't they go today?
Farnsworth: Because tonight's a special night and I want all of you to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors' annual symposium.
Fry: Wow! I love symposia.
Farnsworth: It's the event of the scientific season. Every member presents an invention and the best one wins the Academy prize.
Bender: Sounds boring.
Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. But not this year, because my latest invention is unbeatable. Behold! The death clock. Simply jam your finger in the hole and this read-out tells you exactly how long you have left to live.
Leela: Does it really work?
Farnsworth: Well it's occasionally off by a few seconds. What with free will and all.
Fry: Sounds like fun. How long do I have left to live?
Bender: Ooh! Dibs on his CD player!
Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes.
Fry: Who's the gross nerd?
Farnsworth: That's me at the very first symposium. I'm the Academy's oldest living member, you know. These youngsters all look up to me.
Wernstrom: Well, well, well. Look who decided to show his wrinkled face.
Farnsworth: Why don't you just leave me alone, Wernstrom?
Wernstrom: Face it, Farnsworth, you're over the hill. It's time to leave science to the 120-year-olds.
Farnsworth: You young turks think you know everything. I was inventing things when you were barely turning senile.
Wernstrom: Go home before you embarrass yourself, old man. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a nap before the ceremonies.
Fry: Who's that jerk?
Farnsworth: A hundred years ago he was my most promising student at Mars University. But then, after one fateful pop-quiz...
Wernstrom: A-minus? No one gives Ogden Wernstrom an A-minus!
Farnsworth: I'm sorry, but penmanship counts.
Wernstrom: I swear I'll have my revenge even if it takes me a hundred years.
Farnsworth: And here it is Slightly over 99 years later and still no revenge. I'm essentially in the clear.
Bender: I've been perusing your fortified wine list and I've selected the '71 Hobo's Delight, the '57 Chateau Parté and the '66 Thunder Chevitz.
Waiter: Exquisite choices, sir.
Bender: And mix them all together in a big jug.
Popeil: Welcome to this year's Academy of Inventors Annual Symposium. I'm your host, Ron Popeil, inventor of Mr. Microphone, the spray-on toupee and, of course, the technology to keep human heads alive in jars. But wait, there's more. We've got a whole line-up of inventors tonight, starting with that up and coming young star, Ogden Wernstrom.
Bender: More wine!
Wernstrom: Distinguished members of the Academy, I present to you, the Reverse Scuba Suit. Observe! Fetch! Now, sit! I said sit! Bad fish!
Fry: Don't worry, Professor, it's no competition for your death clock.
Wernstrom: And what will you be presenting this evening, grandpa?
Farnsworth: Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place!
Wernstrom: I just hope it's not as lame as that death clock you presented last year.
Farnsworth: Uh, last year, you say?
Wernstrom: That's right.
Farnsworth: Oh, my! Did it put you young whippersnappers in your place?
Wernstrom: Hardly! We laughed until our teeth fell out. Come along, Cinnamon.
Farnsworth: Oh, dear. I'll have to invent something new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps some sort of death clock.
Leela: Uh, Professor...?
Popeil: Our last presentation comes from our oldest member, Professor Hubert Farnsworth. Professor?
Farnsworth: Just a second, just a second.
Wernstrom: Pencils down, prune-face.
Farnsworth: Uh, yes, here I am, OK, now, hello there. Now, we all know telescopes allow us to see distant objects. But what if we want to smell distant objects? Well now we can! Thanks to my new invention ... the Smellescope.
Man: Oh, I say!
Farnsworth: The odour travels past this coffee stain here, around the olive pit and into this cigar burn. And this appears to be a doodle of myself as a cowboy. But the Smellescope is brilliant, I tell you! Think of the astronomical odours you'll smell thanks to me. Oh, my!
Wernstrom: I've waited a hundred years for this, Farnsworth. I give your invention the worst grade imaginable An A-minus-minus.
Popeil: And now for the presentation of the award. Listen, folks, I'm practically giving this prize away to Dr. Wernstrom, for his fish thingy.
Farnsworth: Perhaps 149 is just too old to be a scientist.
Bender: Yep!
Fry: No, Professor, don't give up. There were plenty of times in my century when I was gonna give up but I never did. Never! Hey, are you even listening to me? Oh, I give up!
Farnsworth: By God, you're right! I'm going to build that Smellescope!
Farnsworth: Eureka!
Fry: Did you build the Smellescope?
Farnsworth: No, I remembered that I'd built one last year. Go ahead, try it. You'll find that every heavenly body has its own particular scent. Here, I'll point it at Jupiter.
Fry: Smells like strawberries.
Farnsworth: Exactly! And now Saturn.
Fry: Pine needles. Oh, man, this is great! Hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus.
Leela: I don't get it.
Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.
Fry: Oh. What's it called now?
Farnsworth: Urectum. Here, let me locate it for you.
Fry: No, no, I think I'll just smell around a bit over here! Hmm. Hmm.
Farnsworth: What is it? Oh, jeez! Oh, man! Remarkable! A stench so foul it's right off the Funk-o-Meter. I dare say Fry may have discovered the smelliest object in the known universe.
Bender: Ooh! Ooh! Name it after me!
Leela: I think it's moving.
Farnsworth: Hmm. Perhaps the computer can calculate its trajectory. My God! Whatever it is, it's headed straight for us. With enough force to reduce this entire city to a stinky crater. We have less than 72 hours.
Bender: Well, let's get looting!
Fry: So this thing's gonna destroy the whole city? What the heck is it?
Farnsworth: Ah! Just as I thought. The answer lies in this movie I found on the Internet.
Narrator: New York City The year 2000. The most wasteful society in the history of the galaxy and it was running out of places to empty its never-ending output of garbage. The landfills were full. New Jersey was full. And so, under cover of darkness, the city put its garbage out to sea on the world's largest barge. The repulsive barge circled the oceans for 50 years but no country would accept it, not even that really filthy one. You know the one I mean. Finally, in 2052, the city used its mob connections to obtain a rocket and launch the garbage into outer space. Some experts claim the ball might return to Earth someday, but their concerns were dismissed as "depressing".
Fry: Wow! You got that off the Internet? In my day the Internet was only used to download pornography.
Farnsworth: Actually that's still true.
Female Scientist: Now that the garbage is in space, doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions.
Male Scientist: With gusto!
Farnsworth: So that's the situation. Due to the short-sightedness of Old New York, New New York is going to be destroyed by a giant ball of garbage.
Leela: Fry, what the hell were you people thinking back then? How could you just throw your garbage away?
Fry: Hey, gimmie a break! What do you do with it?
Leela: We recycle everything. Robots are made from old beer cans.
Bender: Yeah! And this beer can is made outta old robots.
Leela: And that sandwich you're eating is made of old discarded sandwiches. Nothing just gets thrown away.
Fry: The future is disgusting.
Leela: Typical 20th century attitude.
Fry: Hey! You have no right to criticise the 20th century. We gave the world the lightbulb, the steamboat and the cotton gin.
Leela: Those things are all from the 19th century.
Fry: Yeah, well, they probably just copied us.
Farnsworth: Please! There's no time for this now. This is an emergency. We must warn the mayor.
Poopenmeyer: Garbage ball, huh? That sounds serious.
Farnsworth: Very serious, Mayor Poopenmeyer.
Poopenmeyer: I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming or second-hand smoke. Send in my science advisor.
Farnsworth: Wernstrom!
Wernstrom: Well, well, well! Come to present your latest napkin, Professor?
Farnsworth: No, I'm here because a giant trash ball is heading straight for us. Smell for yourself.
Poopenmeyer: Hey! Holy jeez!
Wernstrom: That smell could be anything; a faulty stench coil, some cheese on the lens, who knows?
Woman: Mr. Mayor, we just got this transmission from Neptune.
Man: Giant ... garbage ball ... ... passed close by ... horrible stench.
Woman: The transmission cuts out there, sir. No, I, guess it keeps going.
Woman: There we go.
Poopenmeyer: My God! The senile old man is right.
Wernstrom: Do you mean him or me?
Poopenmeyer: Him!
Linda: Next, New New York in crisis. Morbo?
Morbo: Thanks, human female. Puny Earthlings were shocked today to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic city of New New York.
Linda: Makes me glad we live here in Los Angeles.
Morbo: Morbo agrees!
Leela: Can't we just shoot a missile at it?
Military Man: We've simulated that on a supercomputer but the ball is just too damn gooey. A missile would go right through it.
Farnsworth: But suppose we send a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault line between this mass of coffee grounds and this deposit of America Online floppy disks.
Military Man: In theory, it could work.
Wernstrom: Uh, in theory, perhaps. But you'll never find a crew willing to take on a mission so suicidally dangerous.
Bender: Oh, crap!
Farnsworth: Now, you'll only have one chance to destroy the ball. After that, it will be so close to Earth that blowing it up would cause garbage to rain over the entire planet, killing billions.
Bender: Oh, boo-hoo!
Farnsworth: Now here's the bomb I've prepared. Once you activate it, you'll have 25 minutes to get away.
Leela: That's all? But-
Farnsworth: Now, now, there'll be plenty of time to discuss your objections when and if you return.
Leela: Odour at magnitude 8. Magnitude 12. Magnitude 31. We're breaking up. Turn on the anti-smell device.
Fry: Hmm, sporty!
Fry: Wow!
Leela: Look at all this filth.
Fry: It's not filth. It's a glorious monument to the achievements of the 20th century. Look! A real Beanie Baby. Oh! A Mr. Spock collector's plate! Some Bart Simpson dolls!
Doll: Eat my shorts!
Bender: OK Mmm! Shorts!
Leela: Fry, this stuff was garbage when it was new. Let's blow it up already!
Fry: This junk isn't garbage! I can dig in any random pile and find something great.
Fry: Alright, let's get to work.
Leela: Let's see. If that's Hypodermic Ridge then the bomb must go right here. Get ready to run. We've got 25 minutes. Uh, 15 minutes. 5 minutes. "6h" minutes?
Bender: There's your problem. The Professor put the counter on upside-down.
Leela: That idiot! It wasn't set for 25 minutes, it was set for 52 seconds.
Fry: We're gonna die! (calmly) Right?
Bender: Right!
Bender: It's gonna blow!
Leela: Hey, watch it! You'll put somebody's eye out!
Bender: OK, OK, keep your space pants on. I'll take care of this.
Fry: We're saved!
Leela: Yeah, but this garbage ball's unstoppable now. New New York is done for.
Linda: All in all, this is one day Mittens the kitten won't soon forget!
Morbo: Kittens give Morbo gas. In lighter news, the city of New New York is doomed. Blame rests with known human Professor Hubert Farnsworth and his tiny, inferior brain.
Farnsworth: Oh, how could I have put that bomb timer on upside-down? I could swear I followed the manual precisely. I'm a dried up husk of a scientist. This is all my fault.
Fry: No, it's my fault too. I'm sure I threw out more than my share of that trash up there. Also, one month my toilet broke and it just went straight in the garbage can. Leela was right. The people of the 20th century were idiotic slobs. Especially me.
Poopenmeyer: Enough! You all failed miserably. It's time to put a real scientist in charge.
Farnsworth: Wernstrom!
Wernstrom: The very same.
Poopenmeyer: Dr. Wernstrom, can you save my city?
Wernstrom: Of course. But it'll cost you. First I'll need tenure.
Poopenmeyer: Done.
Wernstrom: And a big research grant.
Poopenmeyer: You got it.
Wernstrom: Also, access to a lab and five graduate students, at least three of them Chinese.
Poopenmeyer: Um, alright done. What's your plan?
Wernstrom: What plan? I'm set for life! Au revoir, suckers!
Leela: That rat! Do something!
Poopenmeyer: I wish I could but he's got tenure!
Poopenmeyer: It's time to take action. Stephanie, cancel the maid for today. Have her come tomorrow. Well, I'm out of ideas. Anyone?
Farnsworth: Wait! If we could build an object the exact size, density and consistency of the garbage ball, it might just knock the ball away without smashing it to bits.
Leela: But where can we find a substance the exact density and consistency as garbage?
Farnsworth: Alas, I don't know.
Fry: Uh, what about garbage?
Farnsworth: Good Lord! A second ball of garbage! That just might work!
Poopenmeyer: But garbage isn't something you just find lying in the streets of Manhattan. This city's been garbage-free for 500 years!
Fry: Then it's time to make some more.
Poopenmeyer: Make garbage? But how?
Fry: Stand back and watch the master! This Slurm can. Now it's garbage. These papers. Garbage. This picture of your wife. Pure garbage. Now you try it.
Poopenmeyer: By God, I think the boy's got something. Come on, everyone! The fate of the city is at stake!
Fry: Good! Don't finish that cruller, throw it away Bender. Drink that beer and drop the bottle on the ground. Very nice.
Poopenmeyer: Get that robot some more beer! We've trashed this room but that's just the start. We've got to get Fry's message to the people.
Fry: People of New New York, take a lesson from the 20th century. Stop all this pain-in-the-ass recycling and throw your garbage on the floor.
Fry: Go ahead. Just chuck it any old place like I used to. Your city is counting on you.
Farnsworth: If my calculations are correct, this garbage ball will knock the other garbage ball directly into the sun.
Wernstrom: And if my calculations are correct, we're all going to die horribly.
Poopenmeyer: Alright, places everyone. Prepare for launch.
Farnsworth: Five, four, three, two, three, four, five, six...
Leela: Just fire the damn thing.
Fry: Oops!
Farnsworth: Burning garbage!
Fry: It worked!
Poopenmeyer: And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you, Professor Farnsworth. I now present you with the Academy prize, which we confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a jackass.
Farnsworth: Yes! In your face, Wernstrom!
Wernstrom: I'll get you, Farnsworth. Even if it takes me another hundred years.
Poopenmeyer: And, Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well. If not for your 20th century garbage-making skills, we'd all be buried under 20th century garbage.
Leela: Should we really be celebrating? I mean, what if the second garbage ball returns to Earth like the first one did?
Fry: Who cares? That won't be for hundreds of years.
Farnsworth: Exactly! It's none of our concern.
Fry: That's the 20th century spirit!