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Parth211
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mental-health-dataset

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<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I started dating my fiancé two years ago. My first cousin is married to my fiancé’s sister. There has always been a communication issue between my uncle and aunt and my cousin and his wife. My uncle goes to my mom instead of talking to my cousin, and it upsets my mom. }} [/INST] When you're upset about something, the first question you can ask yourself is "Whose problem is this?" It is amazing how many problems will disappear right at that point, because you realize the problem isn't even yours. You can't fix everything in your family. You are starting a new family of your own, and it's time to create a protective bubble around your family unit that keeps other people's issues away. I tell myself "Not my pig, not my farm, not my problem." When you stop trying to take care of other people's problems, they are more likely to step up and deal with it themselves. :) </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ Whenever I have to speak in public or be in big crowds, I freak out. I get light-headed, sweaty, and I have trouble breathing. }} [/INST] Basically, your response is the fight, flight or freeze reaction which is hard wired into the human nervous system, specifically, the autonomic nervous system (called the autonomic response). This system is responsible for regulating the heart, digestion, respiratory rate as well as other aspects which match the symptoms you describe. It is largely an unconscious function, but with training it can be managed such as a public speaking course in which you prepare and even have some exposure to smaller experiences to help you prepare and cope for larger presentations. One of the greatest applications of addressing this response is the NASA program which exposes the astronauts to situations they will encounter while in space which will trigger the response so that when it does happen (not if but when) that they are able to move through the challenge with success. You can learn more about his by going to TED Talks “What I learned about going blind in space” It is a truly inspiring look at what you are experiencing as well as how to deal with it. With that being said, finding a program like a Dale Carnegie Public Speaking program can help. Working with a counselor who can help you utilize visualization of an upcoming speech has been shown to help and you can always talk to your doctor to see what options might be available there as well. Good luck! </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ Whenever I have to speak in public or be in big crowds, I freak out. I get light-headed, sweaty, and I have trouble breathing. }} [/INST] As you do it more, it should get better or at less with less anxiety. Anxiety is normal for most when speaking in public. I hear this from even the best of facilitators who have been doing it for years. I even experienced that when I first became a counselor and had to lead classes. I asked myself why were I so anxious? I admit at that time I didn't have confidence in myself. The more I prepared and practiced, the more my confidence level increased. Yours will too... </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I am a teenage girl. I've been seeing the same dream once in a while since I was very young. The problem is that I don't remember anything about this dream. I still know that it's the same one, and then I wake up in a panic, and I cry really loud without knowing the reason. Why do I see the same dream, why can I not remember it, and what should I do to remember it? }} [/INST] There is no scientifically established formula for understanding dreams, that I know about, however, many people get a great deal of value from exploring what their dreams mean. It is believed by many that our dreams contain metaphors that represent meaningful patterns in our lives and relationships and if we pay attention to them we can learn important things about ourselves. One thing you might try, to see if you can get more insight into the dream and possibly begin remembering things, is to take note of whatever you do remember, any details about your experience, such as when do you wake up from the dream, how do you feel, both emotionally and physically, what are you thinking about when you wake up, is there any pattern in terms of what happens to you in your waking life around the time you have this dream... If you can keep a journal or a recording device to speak into by your bed, you can try to record whatever you do remember and notice as soon as you wake up. People seem to have more difficulty remembering dreams, the more time they let go by before attempting to record the dream, or if you go back to sleep before recording what you remember. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I have not had a friend since I was 19. I don't go anywhere, and I have no job, all because I'm afraid of people. }} [/INST] Individual and/or group therapy can be a powerful antidote for social anxiety. Often in therapy, the things that tend to get in the way of our securing satisfying and lasting personal relationships will appear in some way in the therapy relationship and a competent therapist will be able to help you work through this anxiety, in a sensitive way, and eventually encourage you to seek out the personal relationships that you want. In group therapy, you have an opportunity to have a relationship not only with the therapist, but several other people who are all in the group in order to give and receive mutual support to one another. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I feel insecure in my life. I don't think my wife truly wants our relationship even though she says she does. I have turned to drinking to help relieve my repressed stress about this and other issues. I have had a drinking problem for a few years. I feel the reason I drink is not just because I like to, but because I have lately been on edge. I’ve been very oddly emotional when watching movies that I have been watching for years. I’m paranoid about driving on main roads. I’m very jumpy at the slightest noises. }} [/INST] Given the description you have posted here, it may be time to find someone to work with. First and foremost, look into working with someone who specializes in working with individuals with challenges surrounding drinking. This would need to be assessed first since if it has been ongoing, it may be making the situation worse and given the time it has been utilized as a coping mechanism, there is reason to believe that the structure of your brain may have been effected as has been demonstrated by current neurological research. There are however, ways to address this. As for coping mechanisms, the person you work with should also look at offering you alternatives such as the skills found within the Dialectic Behavior Therapy model (DBT) which has several useful tools to help address the underlying anxiety and difficulty managing emotional regulation. Mindfulness, another component of DBT should also prove to be useful in both becoming aware of your state of mind and emotional state to allow you to make different choices which has been supported by a growing body of evidence. There are also other tools designed to help repair damaged relationships. Well worth looking into.Seeking help is never easy and it is only human to be hesitant given some of the cultural views of working with therapist. This is a difficult place to be in and one that is not easy to move out of, but sitting on it is not going to help it go away. Think of it this way, if you broke your arm, would you just wrap it up and hope for the best? or seek out a professional to help you set the break and teach you how to mend the wound. The same applies here. Think of it as first aid for the mind. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I feel insecure in my life. I don't think my wife truly wants our relationship even though she says she does. I have turned to drinking to help relieve my repressed stress about this and other issues. I have had a drinking problem for a few years. I feel the reason I drink is not just because I like to, but because I have lately been on edge. I’ve been very oddly emotional when watching movies that I have been watching for years. I’m paranoid about driving on main roads. I’m very jumpy at the slightest noises. }} [/INST] Sorry hearing about the big amount of stress which you are feeling at this time.Since a lot of your stress is directed to uncertainty of whether your wife is happy being with you, would you consider continuing the conversation with her about your understanding of her answer to you?Your observation that she says one thing and behaves in a different way, is meaningful.Bringing your point to her attention would at the very least demonstrate her interest in showing and explaining her viewpoint about you.Basically, you'd be expecting her to care about you and how she handles herself with this question, may clarify what you're trying to find out.The good news about your relationship with alcohol, is that you realize you're overdoing it.From what you write, the emotional pain and helplessness you feel currently, seem too much to know about all at once.One possibility is to accept your feelings of hurt and insecurity. This is the first step of working with them. If they start feeling overwhelming, then maybe too, you can distract yourself for a while from the intensity by engaging in an activity that is not self-harming.After all, you are the most important person in your life, so keep yourself safe and healthy! </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out }} [/INST] I think you have identified something important here. It's not unusual to experience feelings that don't seem to match up with what your rational mind recognizes. In this case, it sounds like a part of you recognizes that the people around you do not find you "annoying and bothersome." Despite knowing that people like you, it seems that there's still a part of you that feels like you're a bother.Finding a local counselor who can work with you to process those feelings might be just the help you need. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out }} [/INST] "Where you put your attention is where you will go". I forget who said this first, but it's very powerful. If all you think about and talk about is how annoying you think you might be, that will get annoying. Your intense self reflection is lovely; it will help you monitor yourself so that you're not affecting others negatively, but your alarm is going off too easily here and you risk having the opposite effect.You don't have to be perfect. She's with you, so she probably likes you as you are. She seems to put far less emphasis on your possibly annoying traits. We all have faults and if that's what we focus on, that's all we will see. My hunch is that your most annoying trait might be your negative self-talk. How ironic is that?There's another irony here...your goal is to be a better partner...but when you are self-critical, your focus is on you, not her. Every moment that fear grabs ahold of you is a moment that you're not being present in the actual relationship; you're gazing at your imagined faults. Fear steals your ability to focus on your loving partner. Maybe take a moment to image how she sees you...all of you. Put yourself in her shoes to see the entire you...how are you loving...thoughtful...a good partner? Confidence is a very attractive quality! </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out }} [/INST] I'm glad to hear you have friends and that your friends say they like you.Trust your own sense of who you are which tells you that something feels uneasy within yourself.Is the friend who says you're "just fine", very familiar with who you are?"Friend" is a broad category.She may not know you as fully as you know yourself.Basically, it is possible to be "fine" and have some inner stress.Follow your own thoughts and observations to more fully learn about yourself in ways your friend may not notice or be aware. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out }} [/INST] Interesting: How much of your issue is your own self-judging and how much of your perception is real?There are many ways to stop judging and self-judging using Cognitive Theory (CBT). You could find a (CBT) counselor/ therapist to help you reduce your judgments. In addition, I've written extensively about this in my book, LIVING YES, A HANDBOOK FOR BEING HUMAN (www.LivingYes.org). I recommend you visit the webpage and pick up a copy.As to your own perception: You seem okay being who you are, and your girlfriend agrees. Instead, you appear to be upset by your own guess at what others may be thinking. That's a trap that stresses a lot of folks out. Consider this: Many happy people don't mind what others think of them. And consider this: Many heroic characters in literature and movies are unlikeable. ("Colombo" is annoying and bothersome, but we love him. So is Johnny's Depp's Jack Sparrow and many of the roles played by George Clooney, Sandra Bullock, and Jack Nicholson.) Would it be okay with you to be an "antihero" in your own life? If you don't want to be an antihero, you have the power to be the person you want. Your behaviors and thoughts are completely under your control. What other people think of you is not under your control. You are completely in the driver's seat here. The choices are all yours. Enjoy who you are, and use your will power to make yourself who you want to be! ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org) </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I'm a little paranoid. My mind does get the best of me. One night, I put chairs under all of my door knobs because I thought someone might break in. I also think a lot, which is probably the reason for the paranoia. I can't stand loud noises, like the sound of cars going by. The grocery store is too noisy, and I feel like people are looking at me. }} [/INST] Paranoid people don't realize they are paranoid. They believe their actions to be reasonable responses to potential threats.From what you write, you are aware that your actions may be understood as extreme.Instead of trying to fit your behavior into a negative psychological category, try seeing each of the behaviors you list here, as your own uniqueness.This way you will become more tolerant of what very well be your natural tendencies.If you are someone who needs a lot of time in quiet, then not liking loud noises doesn't make you paranoid, it is simply the way of who you are.One possible way of feeling better is if you would accept the answers you've developed so far for yourself. They may be a little unusual compared to what we consider mainstream. From what you describe, you already are dealing with what you call "paranoia". </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ When I go to school, I feel like everyone is judging me, even my friends. I get overwhelmed which these thoughts and sometimes cannot get out of what I call a deep hole of thoughts. I barely go to any of our school dances because of all of the people. Not even when I am completely alone do these thoughts go away. I still feel like people can see me and are judging me. }} [/INST] It sounds like a couple of things are going on here; you are noticing yourself feeling judged by the people around you and that you are avoiding social activities and in addition to this you have intrusive thoughts that you are being judged, even when alone. It sounds like these thoughts are pretty distressing and you are wondering what is happening to you. Many people who come to therapy experience intrusive and distressing thoughts of various kinds, which often influence their behavior in ways that they may not like, such as leading them to isolate. In therapy, you may be able to gain insight into the nature of your distress as well as learn ways to cope and eventually alleviate this distress so that you can have satisfaction and security in your life and relationships. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ Recently, I had a close call after delivering my second child (blood clot followed by internal bleeding and several blood transfusions). It was a close call. I am currently undergoing medical treatment because of the event, and I am constantly afraid the whole ordeal will happen again. I have never really had anxiety in the past, but I find now that it consumes my every day and night. With two beautiful children to raise, I am most terrified of not being able to raise and protect them. }} [/INST] Hi Meriden, it's natural that after a serious scare like that you would have some anxiety and fear. This fear is helpful to some extent, because it will assist you in taking care of yourself and not taking unnecessary risks with your health. You can say "thanks very much" to fear for trying to protect you, and then you can take steps to reduce it. Right now, fear is working overtime and stealing your quality of life. You can work to put it into perspective.I invite you to imagine that your job is to convince fear that you don't need it screaming in your ear constantly in order to be as safe as you can be. Imagine that fear is in front of you. It's saying "hey, you need me! If I wasn't keeping you alert, you would be very ill". Fear doesn't trust you to take care of yourself. What is the evidence you are caring for yourself and doing everything you can to prevent a recurrence? What is the evidence that this won't likely happen again (it was specifically connected to the stress of labour, right?). What is the evidence from your doctor that this is unlikely to recur? What is the evidence that you are healing? What is the evidence that you are very aware of the danger and will respond quickly if there is a recurrence? What is the evidence that worrying about it will hurt you, not help you? How many hours of your life do you want to hand over to fear?Fear is trying to keep you safe, but you can turn the volume down by talking to yourself about all these things. I wish you well. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I constantly have this urge to throw away all my stuff. It’s constantly on my mind and makes me feel anxious. I don’t sleep because I’m thinking about something I can get rid of. I don’t know why I do it. I started years ago when I lived with my dad then I stopped when I moved in with my mom. Years later, it has started again. }} [/INST] Since you wrote that you noticed a change in your throwing away urge when you changed with which parent you lived, would you feel that throwing away things is connected to wanting to be done with certain areas of influence with either parent?Play in your mind with the metaphor of "throwing away" and whatever associations you feel toward this. Are you feeling alarmed or freed, by throwing away things? I'm only suggesting these, not telling you that they apply necessarily.Anxiety comes up when people feel helpless to manage a meaningful part of their lives. So pay attention whether your stuff represents difficult scenarios or phases of your growing up years. Possibly you are trying to rid yourself of painful feelings which were part of your early years' relationship with either parent.Basically, sounds as though you are trying to establish a clearer sense of who you are and the throwing away part is a means of discovering who you are, once all the clutter is released. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I met a guy a while ago, and I can't stop thinking about him. I feel like I love him, but I don't think I know him. What if he is not who I think he is? I cry sometimes thinking someone is going to be with him or that he has a girlfriend. I don't know, am I too obsessive? Every time we talk though, it's like magic. He makes me feel amazing, but what if I'm mistaken? }} [/INST] Keller, it sounds like you're living this relationship in your mind, instead of in the real world. You can get answers to your questions by talking to him...getting to know him will answer all the curiosities you have. You're asking the questions in your head instead of being in the friendship. So what is it that gets in the way of actually asking the questions and getting to know him? Fear of rejection? Fear of something else? If you have fear that keeps you from having fulfilling friendships, I recommend a therapist to help you work through that. I wish you well. :) </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety and panic attacks lately. I was recently diagnosed by my psychiatrist with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Lately, I've been questioning everything from my career to my relationship. My boyfriend and I just moved in a few months ago. All of a sudden, I don't feel as comfortable around him as I used to, although I can't seem to find a reason as to why I feel this way. }} [/INST] How is your boyfriend responding to your discomfort around him?Has he told you that he's noticed changes in you?The good news about a relationship is that you can talk about matters with the other person. Doing so can only help clarify feelings and what either of you expect from the relationship. Given that the two of you recently moved in together, it is natural for new dynamics, feelings and expectations to arise. It just adds to the reasonableness of talking with each other about how living together feels to each of you.Psychiatrists earn their living by diagnosing people and telling them to take pills. Very often, just being told the person has a "condition" makes them feel fragile and less capable than they actually are.Anxiety and panic attacks do mean that there is a great deal of emotion and situation needing to be addressed.It is the normal sign of having to address many or deep matters. Be patient and give yourself time to learn the details of your relationship and whatever the career particulars are that are bothering you. You're apparently self-aware since you're the one describing your own problematic situations. Keep the label of being "disordered", aside. Psychiatry labels do more good for psychiatrists than they do for people who are trying to live their lives. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety and panic attacks lately. I was recently diagnosed by my psychiatrist with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Lately, I've been questioning everything from my career to my relationship. My boyfriend and I just moved in a few months ago. All of a sudden, I don't feel as comfortable around him as I used to, although I can't seem to find a reason as to why I feel this way. }} [/INST] Hi New Jersey,You talk about two very big changes in your life that have happened lately; the diagnosis/anxiety, and the moving in together. That's a lot!I love how you recognise that you been 'questioning everything'. I think anxiety's got its toe in the door and it's pushing you around, wanting some power over you. Fear and anxiety try to convince us that we need protection and that it's best to either pull away or fight. But letting anxiety control how you see your relationship isn't the answer here. I think you know that already.You must have moved in with him for a reason, and it's appropriate now to simply trust that, to ask him for some patience, and to focus on learning to manage the anxiety rather than questioning this decision to move in. Fear is getting in the way of you trusting yourself and your decision. You can figure the anxiety piece out while living with your boyfriend.When you're in a bit of a crisis is not the right time to make a major change. I suggest you use a therapist who works with cognitive behavioural therapy to learn to manage the anxiety, and then the relationship will likely seem more clear. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My toddler defies everything I say and doesn’t see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time. }} [/INST] Hi Biddeford,This is a super goal. Feeling powerless is something parents are wise to get used to; there's a creature in the home whose job it is to find and use their power in the family and in the world. Of course your toddler defies you, and that's healthy. I worry more about the overly compliant ones. She is wanting to know what the rules are, and all you have to do is show her clearly where the lines are. I'll give you some tips.First, remind yourself that it's her job to learn what the rules are, and where her power is. Don't be so surprised when she wants it her way. If we go through our days being ready and prepared for these beautiful creatures to have minds of their own, we're less caught off guard when it happens. Avoid situations that invite power struggles. Any time you tell your daughter "do this now", you set up a power struggle. The good thing is that she's young enough you can pick her up; now is the time to teach her that mom's (or dad's) word means something. So, if you say "let's get you dressed", then be prepared to pick her up right away and show her that when you say something will happen, you can make it happen. And I'm talking about gently picking her up here...not roughly. Pick your battles; only give instructions when you have the power to make it happen.Give her choices, so she can see her power. Instead of opening her drawer and asking what she wants to wear, give her two choices. Here's an example...she's on the ipad and you say ipad time is over. She says "no". You can say "ipad time is over. If you put it down, you can play later. If I have to take it away, you don't play it later." The choice is hers. Then follow through."When...then" statements are really helpful. Your child asks for something. Instead of saying no, try "as soon as the toys are picked up, we can have a snack". You're simply a pleasant parent who wants the same thing they do...but they have to earn it. Staying calm yourself is the key, because then at least you will feel in control of yourself, which is the ultimate goal. Use self-talk to calm yourself. Remind yourself her behaviour is normal and healthy. Breathe through a moment in which you would have reacted, and it will be over by the time the breath is done. You can give yourself time to think before you make parenting decisions. Time is a useful tool not enough parents use. Good luck! </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My toddler defies everything I say and doesn’t see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time. }} [/INST] That's a good question. I would say learn to pick your battles. What types of behavior/situations can you let go of? If you allow yourself to worry about the various areas in life that you cannot control, you will find yourself stressed out and unable to manage everything. Know that toddlerhood comes with lots of "no's," tantrums, non-compliance, and a growing need for independence. When your toddler does something that you don't approve of, remain calm, explain to him/her the appropriate way to act, and model it for him/her. Remember to give your toddler praise when he/she does something good or acceptable. Be consistent and follow through with your instructions. Finally, know that you are not alone. Parenting comes with its set of challenges but all you can do is your very best. Good luck to you! </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. I’m worried that, at this rate, I won’t have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes. }} [/INST] Hi Winters, I'm so glad you wrote, because I think there are a lot of young women experiencing the exact same thing. You feel self-loathing for both being a virgin, and for being sexually active. Young women have always gotten crazy mixed messages about what they're supposed to be. They feel pressure to be pure, and they also feel pressure to be the vixen and please men sexually. But you can't be both, so you can't ever win if you buy into all that horse manure (excuse my language). This current hook-up culture puts added pressure on girls to expect nothing more than random sexual encounters that leave you feeling empty and used; perhaps desirable in that moment but mostly worthless. The stupid part is that research tells us that young men are also impacted negatively by this cultural norm that values sex and not relationship; they feel guilt, and loneliness. I urge you to talk to other girls and women about your feelings. My hope and prayer is that they will echo my words here.Your value and power cannot ever be found in whether a man wants you, whether you turn his eye, or how he treats you. Your sexuality is a beautiful part of who you are, and it is to be celebrated. I love that you want to celebrate it with someone who cares. Who you are is so very much more than your sexuality. You sound like you have a lot of things going for you. Try to see all of those things when you think of yourself.There are many more virgins out there, and many are afraid, like you, that they don't fit in. We are all different, and you don't have to be anything but who you want to be; who you are. You don't have to have any kind of sex until you're ready, and that makes you brave and smart, not weird.You're tall and beautiful, and guys may be intimidated by that. It may take time for you to meet the right guy, but he's out there. The question is: How do you want to spend your time until he crosses your path? I hope you talk to someone soon and find out that your feelings are normal. I wish you the best. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. I’m worried that, at this rate, I won’t have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes. }} [/INST] I think that every person who has been single for any extended period of time has felt the same worries - myself included. Since relationships are so important to us we fear not having them and being single. It is similar to fearing that we won't ever get a good job when we have been out of work for awhile or fearing that we won't be healthy when we have been sick. We fear these things because they are so important - not because these fears are realistic or true! There is immense pressure put on young single people from peers and media to conform to ideas of what is normal and to meet expectations in terms of sexual experience, dating, etc. While some people may judge an adult who is a virgin - others will respect your choices and feel even more attracted to you because of your choices. Experimenting with sex, so long as you are being safe and respectful is also completely okay and normal. Since expectations vary and we can't be happy if we are always comparing ourselves to other people, we need to ultimately trust that being who we are and building a loving relationship with ourselves is the key to meeting someone who will cherish us for all the ways that we are special and unique, virgin or not. When we are able to really accept ourselves and trust in our loveableness (not a real word but you get what I mean!) then meeting someone special is simply a matter of time and effort - putting ourselves out in the world in situations where we are likely to meet other single people looking for relationships. When you are most afraid of being alone - remember that this fear is simply a reminder of how much you value relationships. Use that passion about wanting relationships to build the best relationship you can with yourself and then one day soon some lucky person will stumble into your life and benefit immensely from your passion and your ability to be authentically who you are rather than pretending to be "normal" or whatever that is anyway. Hope this helps! </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. I’m worried that, at this rate, I won’t have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes. }} [/INST] It is very hard to want a loving relationship, and either see or imagine all around you, the great times other couples are having. Extra hard is that other people's comments may start giving you the sense that you are letting them down to not have a relationship!All the fantasies that develop from viewing Facebook photos and imagining everyone or most people in ideal relationships, just augments any frustration of not being part of this group.Your post sounds like you're being true to yourself and honoring who you are really, by developing clear standards of what you'd expect from a relationship.For the longterm, whatever develops in your relationship life, you will always be able to look back and know you had self-integrity. By being your natural self, you're being attractive. Probably very unlikely that a young woman who would like a relationship, will never have one.Maybe the young men in your school are not yet emotionally mature enough to know how to see and appreciate you.Even though it may be hard, have patience with bringing in someone who is good for you. And, continue your keen insight of yourself because it is guiding you to be the best in all areas of living.Sending good luck in all areas! </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. I’m worried that, at this rate, I won’t have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes. }} [/INST] I think one of the first questions that springs to mind for me is, "what's the rush?" Just because other people in your circle have had experiences that you are still warming up to does not mean that there's something wrong or something to be ashamed of. If anything, I want to commend you on the self-respect you have in wanting to wait and share this most intimate of experiences with someone that will feel the same way about it. One of the most common distortions in our thinking is when we try to directly compare ourselves to others; while these people and even those in your family share a level of closeness to you they are not exactly like you - they don't see or feel things in the exact same way as you nor do they share the exact same perspective. It's important to be making choices for you and for your own desires and life goals. Once you stop comparing your happiness, you may find that you are already experiencing it and allow more of your guard to fall down. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ For my whole life, I’ve been very unconfident, insecure, and self-questioning. I'm super quiet because I'm scared of what people will think of me. I avoid all social situations as it causes me great anxiety. It is how both of my parents have always been, and I feel like I'm doomed to that life also. It makes it super hard for me at work as the other employees try to use me and walk all over me because I’m too nice. It causes me depression and brings me down. I’m in my early twenties, and I really need to create a better life for myself. I've been like this for so long, so how do I change? }} [/INST] One of the greatest ways that we can promote ourselves s by learning how to assert ourselves. Despite what most people think of when they hear the word assertive, assertive communication is one of the best ways to manage interpersonal conflict as well as maintain personal boundaries. Once we become comfortable with acknowledging our boundaries, there is usually a follow-up whereby we realize that we have the right to those boundaries. In effect, assertiveness communication becomes it's own self-motivating force in managing positive self-esteem. You may want to invest in a workbook that can help you to develop these skills on your own, or work directly with a therapist to develop them in a safe situation. One of the Workbooks that I have found to be very helpful is, "The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships" by Randy J Paterson. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I have a lot of issues going on right now. First of all, I have a lot of trouble sleeping at times, while other nights I sleep too much and still feel quite tired. I’m also noticing increased irritability and experiencing anxiety attacks that last for hours. Is there something wrong with me and if so what should I do? }} [/INST] Hi there. I have to commend you on reaching out to get some answers on why you are feeling the way that you are feeling. A lot of people secretly go about their lives every day feeling this way because they are too afraid of what the answer might be.First off, what stressors do you have in your life right now? Financial, relationship and unemployment are all common stressors for people. They can often make it difficult for us to sleep at night due to the constant racing thoughts and wonders of how you will deal with it all. Secondly, do you have a history of depression or does depression run in your family? Some of the symptoms listed here in this question (i.e. trouble sleeping, constant fatigue, too much sleep, anger & anxiety) are all common symptoms of depression. Often times, these symptoms can be overlooked and mistaken for "just being tired." Furthermore, it's important to ask yourself, if you are feeling worthless, problems with concentration and recurrent thoughts of death. If you are having these symptoms, please seek help IMMEDIATELY. Lastly, considering your stated symptoms I would recommend reaching out to your Doctor for further consult. It's always better to be safe and the earlier you catch the symptoms the faster you will get to feeling better! do Some helpful tips for the your Doctor would be to monitor your sleep habits (i.e. how much or little are you sleeping), make a list of your triggers for your anger outbursts as well as your triggers for your anxiety attacks. I hope this was helpful and the best of luck to you. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I have a lot of issues going on right now. First of all, I have a lot of trouble sleeping at times, while other nights I sleep too much and still feel quite tired. I’m also noticing increased irritability and experiencing anxiety attacks that last for hours. Is there something wrong with me and if so what should I do? }} [/INST] It sounds as if you may be experiencing a bout of anxiety and/or depression. Sleeping difficulties, irritability and anxiety attacks all are correlated with these mood disorders. And it’s actually quite common for someone to deal encounter this during their lifetime. Also, keep in mind that just because you are experiencing this now does not mean that you will be dealing with it the rest of your life. Many times, it can be a single episode and if treatment is received, you can help prevent any recurrent episodes.However, you may want to first talk with your primary physician to rule out any medical issues that could be causing these problems. There may be a reason for the sudden onset of these symptoms that can be addressed quickly. On the other hand, if it is determined that you are experiencing anxiety and/or depression without a medical reason, there are two methods that are very helpful in your treatment:#1 Talk therapy with a certified therapistHe/She will be able to address the concerns you’re experiencing and discovering if there is an underlying issue that may be causing it.#2 MedicationThere are many medications that can assist you with the feelings that you are experiencing. Your doctor will be able to help you find the right one that works for you. If one doesn’t work, keep trying. There are many different options to address your specific needs.Also, a combination of these two options is extremely beneficial!Thank you for your question. I sincerely hope that you feel better soon! </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I feel that I need to end my present relationship. He lives three hours away and likes the reassurance of having someone to talk to multiple times per day and seeing me once or twice a month. I want someone who is more present and more of a life companion. Lately, he has had a very busy work schedule and I have only seen him a few times in the last 6 weeks. I told him that I can't continue in this way because I constantly feel frustrated and angry and that he is not making the relationship enough of a priority. I also feel it is keeping me from possibly finding the relationship I want. We have been together 7 years. The problem is that I panic and experience anxiety and depression thinking of him with someone else and then thinking I will never meet someone I like. We have gone through this cycle already 4-5 times and I feel it is unhealthy to stay in it, but my aversion to the anxiety and depression I experience upon separation always leads me to reconcile. }} [/INST] Sounds like your panic is less about loosing the relationship you are in (which by the way doesn't sound like it's meeting YOUR need for connection) and more about being alone. Being with him is serving you, even if the relationship is less than ideal, from being alone. Being alone can be scary. You'd have to face yourself. You'd have to learn to love and care for and cherish yourself. All important skills and tasks in maturing and growing up, but scary none the less. What if...What if you gave yourself permission to be in a relationship with YOU? </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I'm a teenager, and I struggle with going out and talking to people. I feel awful about leaving home. I know I can't afford a therapist so I don't know what my problem is, but I think I might have social anxiety. }} [/INST] If you are noticing that anxiety tends to be triggered around interactions with others, then you may have social anxiety. Working with a therapist, you may be able to gain insight into the nature of the anxiety, develop tools for coping with it, and take steps that may alleviate it over time, so that you can enjoy your interactions with others. If you are short on money, there still may be options for you to be able to see a therapist. Check with your insurance provider about your behavioral health coverage. If you have medicaid/apple care, there are some private practice therapists who accept this form of insurance, as well as community clinics which do. If you are not insured, some therapists and clinics will work on a sliding fee scale, and accept either low fee or may even work with you pro-bono (for free). </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ Whenever I don't tell my friends or anyone what I did or stuff that's not really important, I feel terrible, like there’s a hole in my stomach. It only goes away when I hurt myself. }} [/INST] Hi Kansas, I feel strongly that the help of a professional therapist is important here. Feelings are never wrong, but it can help to understand where they come from and talk to someone who can teach you healthy ways to cope. Self-harm is not the answer to managing those emotions you feel in your stomach. Although I'm glad you said something here, a professional would need to spend some time with you and get a deep understanding of your life in order to help you sort all these reactions out effectively. I hope you reach out to someone soon. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ Whenever I don't tell my friends or anyone what I did or stuff that's not really important, I feel terrible, like there’s a hole in my stomach. It only goes away when I hurt myself. }} [/INST] Sorry to hear of your situation.Possibly you are overlooking that your own Self is someone worth talking to as well.None of us are ever really alone because we are always with ourselves.Self-talk is a major part of what guides our decisions and how we make sense of relationships and situations. Even after telling people the stories or activities, hearing their comments, it is always within ourselves that we decide if the way we were received by these others, the comments we heard back, feel right and accurate to our lives.I hope the feeling of a hole in your stomach would decrease by enjoying your Self. I am guessing that hurting yourself makes the stomach hole feel less bad because the physical pain you create in yourself distracts you from feeling it.Enjoying your Self by talking kindly, loving, and having inner dialogue may very well decrease the feeling of a hole, altogether.Sending lots of good luck! </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that I’m an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety. }} [/INST] While anxiety can come about for many reasons, trauma is definitely one of the factors that makes anxiety a possibility both immediately following a traumatic event and later in life. When we have experienced such scary violations of our bodies - we may experience residual effects of fear for many years to come. This is normal, natural and in many ways helpful - at least initially. This fear is in some way a sign that your body/mind is taking good care of you - trying to keep you on your toes in order to protect you from anything terrible happening to you again. However, as it sounds like you know, anxiety feels awful and there are certainly ways of learning to reduce anxiety. In order to get the tools you need to manage anxiety and also understand where it comes from and how it works in your life, I would encourage you to seek professional help and check out anxiety resources online. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I find myself being very outgoing most of the time, but there are some times when I don't know what to say. I don't even want to talk at all. It's like, I search for the right thing to say and nothing ever comes out. I don't know if I'm outgoing only to fill the void of not knowing what to say. I don’t know if people like that about me. I'm very self-conscious and always think people are talking about me, so it makes me have a cold shoulder and not want to talk. }} [/INST] Would you feel more secure in conversations if instead of talking soon after meeting someone or entering a social situation, you simply listened attentively to the other people?This way you'd have a more secure idea of what topics the group likes talking about and whether you like talking about these topics as well.Maybe you simply are in groups or situations in which you don't care for the people or focus.Start by trusting your own evaluation of your true interest in being among the groups in which you are.Maybe you simply need new and different groups. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ This is preventing me from getting a job. I have bad relationship with my bipolar mother. I am living with her but it stresses me out so much to be around her that I have locked myself in my room. I have no friends or other family to help me. I have no money for therapy, but I think I need therapy before I can secure a job. }} [/INST] Overwhelming fear, social anxiety and depression are especially painful because they make behaving constructively a challenge. But there are also lots of examples of folks who have successfully worked their way through this. So there is hope! In addition to the suggestion to visit your doctor (who may prescribe a medication to help you relax), there are many social service agencies who provide free counseling or take medicaid. A good CBT therapist will help you look at your thinking so that you may see how you are distorting your thoughts. Behavior is also important. Despite how you may feel: it is helpful to go out, to do things that relax you (maybe a yoga class or a meditation class?). Exercise. Diet. Eat well. Think back on the things that you used to do that helped in the past, and force yourself to do these things again. I know that this seems hard, but it beats the alternative, doesn't it? Of course, I recommend you pick up a copy of my book, Living Yes, which will help you look at these and other ideas to help you out. I hope you get unstuck soon! ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org) </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I feel like my time is going too fast }} [/INST] Thank you for reaching out! That is a great question! As an American, I can truly say that I spend way too much time on the go! It is a proven fact that Americans live in a fast paced environment compared to Europe! I often ask myself, what if I only had one day left on this Earth? What would I do? Well, that is an easy question. I would spend it with my family! Easier said than done when we are living in a tomorrow kind of World, right? Its hard to focus on the now when we are so consumed in what tomorrow shall bring.Time management is a very important factor when learning to "live life to the fullest"! In fact, this is a required course in undergraduate college now. Everyone manages their time differently and it is up to you to decide how you would like to do this. Personally, for myself I like to keep a calendar with a to-do list. I always place my most important tasks at the top of the list. That way, if I do not get through the list, I am not stressing over the little things. When planning your day, it is important you schedule work, eat and play. A much as it is hard not to work after getting off work, it must be done. There is discipline involved in this process. If you have trouble with this, then maybe seeking out some accountability such as including a coworker to make sure you do not bring work home once your shift is over or your spouse/partner reminding you that this is a time for play and not work.These are just some ideas that I am throwing out there. Again, everyone has their own style on time management. I hope this was helpful for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out for anything further! </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My dad refuses to acknowledge my anxieties about going to parties, dinners, etc. Whenever I have an opinion it gets shut down. My mom and everyone else behaves likewise. For my father who heads a company, this is normal. He has to be right all the time. He blatantly refuses to even try to see it from my angle. Recently however, it's been getting to the point where I feel pressured and unable to speak my mind. It isn't possible for me to get professional one-on-one help. He tells me to grow a pair and get over it. I recently have been developing more severe body image and self-confidence issues, which I have had all my life. I feel invalidated by my dad. I have been more paranoid lately as well. I can't turn on location services anymore on my phone because of a past incident. He makes me feel guilty about it. I feel rather worthless more often than not, unfortunately. What do I do? }} [/INST] I'm sorry to hear that you are unable to get through to your parents. It sounds like you are experiencing a great deal of anxiety that needs to be addressed by a professional (despite the fact that you are unable to at the moment). I would recommend talking with another adult such as a school counselor that can offer you support in this area. Perhaps they can work with you on your anxiety issues and schedule a meeting with your parents so that he/she may help mediate the conversation with them.If you are unable to reach out to a school counselor maybe you can try a member of the family such as an aunt or an uncle that feels comfortable addressing the issue with your parents. Sometimes it helps hearing it from a third party before the situations is taken seriously enough.Good luck! </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ Whenever I leave my girlfriend I get panic attacks. I'm taking medications to control them, but I'm thinking of moving in with her since I get so anxious. }} [/INST] I’m sorry to hear that you are currently experiencing panic attacks. I hope that the medication you have been prescribed has provided you with some relief. Unfortunately, I don’t feel that moving in with your girlfriend would alleviate your anxiety. Although you may feel very anxious about leaving her, your body is reacting to this stressful event in your life in an unhealthy manner. You may be able to render this particular situation but it’s likely that you may experience another panic attack when an additional stressful event arises. Therefore, it is essential that you address the reason for why you are experiencing panic attacks in the first place followed by practicing coping mechanisms in the case that one would arise in the future.Talk therapy has shown to be effective with those affected by anxiety along with breathing exercises and yoga. A trained therapist will be able to assist you in finding the right stress reducing method so that you can reduce the chance of another attack occurring.I wish you the best of luck! It sounds like you are very happy in your relationship and I hope you are able to reduce your anxiety so that you are able to enjoy one another. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I had a head injury a few years ago and my mind races all the time. I have trouble sleeping and have a lot of anxiety. Every medicine I have been on my body rejects; I get sick to my stomach and get blisters in my mouth. How can I calm my self down? I'm a wreck. }} [/INST] You didn't say what or how many medications you've tried. Certain anxiety medications can make you feel nauseous, but I haven't heard of any that cause mouth blisters, so there may be some other underlying medical issue there. I would definitely talk to your primary care physician and whoever has prescribed the medication as well as a neurologist if you've suffered a severe head injury. There are so many medications available for anxiety or insomnia or even depression that there may be others with lesser side effects.But beyond that, have you tried any other treatments such as deep breathing or meditation? Meditation can be very effective, but it takes practice and you don't have to sit cross-legged for hours chanting "Ohm" to meditate. It's about focusing on your breath, rather than all the thoughts that are racing through your head. And when they do take your mind off your breath, simply refocus (and refocus and refocus). Like I said, it takes practice, so don't give up. You can find many sites offering different ways to meditate, so look around and see what works best for you. Like medication, you just have to find the one that works best and that might take some experimentation.I hope this helps and best of luck to you. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. }} [/INST] Watching children go through challenges in their lives is difficult. On a very basic level, There exists a primal need to protect them from harm. The hard part for parents is letting them feel those challenges and working through them as they get older. At some point, there is a moment that occurs when the role as a parent shifts. Children no longer need the basics (food, shelter. water, safety) as much as when they were toddlers, but rather, their needs shift to wanting more support, encouragement, advice, and room to make mistakes. This is where the ability to communicate with them, letting them direct the sails to gather the wind needed to move, is so important. Keep the lines of communication open and be available to give feedback when they ask for it. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. }} [/INST] Its hard to answer this question based on the information presented but I shall give it a go, Is it possible that your daughter is afraid of failing, I've seen many children and kids who get stressed out over grades or performance in sports, can you tell me "what was your grade in fourth grade English? Or what was the score of the 7th game you played in football when you were a junior? Much of what happens to us is insignificant and we worry over things which really , in the long term don't matter much to us. But ask yourself this question, Is your daughters reaction to what is going grossly out of proportion with what would normally be expected, if the answer is yes, a visit to a psychotherapist might not be a bad idea to learn some coping skills and to alter our reaction to life. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. }} [/INST] I agree with your observation about your daughter feeling stressed. Are you able to open this topic in conversation with her?Also, reflect on your own expectations as a parent. It is possible that your daughter is trying to please you by getting consistently high grades.If your daughter prefers talking in confidence to a therapist, then this may help her regain a sense of balance in her life so that schoolwork feels less stressful.I wouldn't take her to a doctor because based on what you write, the problem is psychological and emotionally based. While the stress may have physical symptoms, addressing the root cause of the problem has nothing to do directly with something being physically wrong with your daughter.Unless there is some other medical or physical problem that would explain your daughter's sense of stress, I'd start first by bringing your areas of concern to your daughter, then possibly to a therapist. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fiancé tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this? }} [/INST] The short answer to your question is "No" it's not okay for anyone to ever be doing this. There's a lot of unanswered questions and other factors going on here that need attention. Nevertheless, don't hesitate to seek out legal counsel and/or call 911. Ideally, your fiancé would be able to speak directly to her ex-husband and set reasonable boundaries that honor whatever legal agreements are in force resultant from the divorce and custody agreements. The fact that she's afraid to say anything to him about his inappropriate behavior, and that she hasn't been able to give you any reason for her fear, suggests possible factors of past abusive behaviors, entitlement, and/or co-dependence. I hope things work out well for all and I'm confident a skilled therapist could help all navigate how best to set boundaries and experience greater healing. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines. }} [/INST] Depending on your daughter’s age, this could be a learning disability. I suggest contacting the school counselor and asking for an evaluation, once she is evaluated and depending on the diagnosis, she could be provided with treatment recommendations like occupational therapy, reading glasses, or assistance in class. These and more accommodations are enforced under the 504 act. Consider if the observations that you have done are affecting her performance in school only, or also in other settings. Observe her behavior and or her emotions and see if they change as well. Discuss these with your daughter’s counselor as well.¿Tiene mi hija un desorden mental?Mi hija está en la escuela elemental. Ella no puede colorear dentro de la línea. Mezcla las palabras cuando escribe, a menos que tenga grandes espacios, o brinca las líneas.Dependiendo de la edad de tu hija esto puede ser un problema de aprendizaje. Te sugiero que contactes al consejero escolar y solicites una evaluación, dependiendo de la diagnosis, ellos pueden recomendar tratamientos como: terapia ocupacional, lentes para leer o asistencia en clase. Estos acomodos son provistos bajo la acta 504. Considera si las observaciones que has hecho afectan el desempeño de tu hija en la escuela, o en otras áreas, también observa su conducta y emociones y repórtaselo al consejero escolar. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines. }} [/INST] If your daughter is the same age as most of the other students in her class, and the other students easily complete the tasks you list here, then there is a problem in the performance of these tasks for your daughter.Without knowing more about the context of your daughter's life, for example, is she a new student to the school and class, are there major stressors in the home environment, does your daughter have friends, does your daughter have the same problems she has in school, when she is in other environments?Also, who is telling you she has these problems? Are you the one who notices what you describe here or is your daughter or is her teacher telling you these facts?Depending on your answers to the questions, start to get clarity with the classroom teacher and the school guidance counselor as to the source of your daughter's problem.Good luck! </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is. Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal? }} [/INST] This is certainly an important issue to look into, It is always helpful to speak with the child's pediatrician since they are most familiar with the child's developmental history. Also, children tend to regress behaviorally when facing events and interactions they feel to have no control over, this can be as simple as a loss of a pet, a recent move, death in the family, and/or as serious as sexual abuse, and other things. If you have not spoken to the school that can be a good starting point. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is. Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal? }} [/INST] Hello.It sounds like you are really concerned about your daughter because you have noticed a significant change in her behavior . It's really a great first step that you are reaching out to get some ideas about what might be going on . You are clearly an observant and hands on mom who wants to be sure that her daughter is ok.This is a tough question to answer without more information . With that said , I have found that "under stress people regress." In other words , many people , children and adults alike , often regress and behave differently - as if they were younger than their actual age - when under stress . Therefore , my first question would be : has anything been happening recently that is causing your daughter stress ? This could be anything from conflict at home , recent changes such as moving , divorce , a loss of some kind , switching schools , or losing a friend or friends . Additionally , sometimes if children are feeling bullied or left out by same age peers , they may gravitate toward younger playmates as a way to boost their social confidence . I would suggest that you think about what stressors / changes may have occurred recently. You may also want to check in with her teacher (s) to see if they have noticed any changes in your daughter's behavior at school .I also think that you can have a conversation with your daughter in order to see if you can get a sense about whether or not something has been bothering her. Something as simple as " I have noticed that you aren't spending time with the friends you used to hang out with ; it seems like you have been playing with a lot of younger kids lately . Am I right about that ? " and then if she says yes you might ask a few questions such as : "did something happen with your friends that is making you not want to be with them?" "Has something been bothering you lately ? Are you feeling upset or worried ? " If she denies that there is anything wrong you might even say " I know that sometimes when I feel stressed or worried , I tend to act a little differently - sometimes I withdraw from my regular group of friends , or I get cranky and feel less like myself . I wonder if something like that is happening with you ?" If you are really concerned and not getting any answers from her and / or her teachers , perhaps you can consult with a therapist to discuss your concerns further and decide if it might help for your daughter to talk to a therapist a few times , or at the very least you can get more specific tips from a therapist about how to approach this issue with your daughter more effectively . The more detail you can provide about what you have noticed with your daughter , including any changes or new stressors , any possible patterns to this behavior , if school has become more difficult socially and or academically , the more a therapist can guide you about how best to handle your concerns and talk with your daughter in a way that is helpful to her. Good luck! I believe that this may just be a phase and it seems to me to be well within the normal range of children's behavior. I do, though, think that you will feel more assured about this if you can get to the bottom of what's going on . </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is. Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal? }} [/INST] Good for you to know your daughter's friendship circles and to notice when these have changed.While friendships are key relationships, they are not the only indicator of someone not developing normally.Is your observation and opinion that your daughter isn't normal based on other factors or just this one?If this is the only factor then start with reflecting on what circumstances may be influencing your daughter to socialize with younger kids.Has she ben ostracized or bullied by her peers and may be retreating to avoid further emotional hurt?Is she keeping up with her school work?Sometimes kids who feel overwhelmed by schoolwork will regress into conditions in which they feel more success and control.Are there family circumstances such as the death of someone with whom your daughter felt close? Or, is there a new younger sibling in the family or a younger sibling who due to their own circumstance receives more attention than your daughter may wish for herself.Once you've reflected on which areas may be affecting your daughter, gently ask her some questions about her comfort with what you theorize may be the source of the problem.Its also possible that offering her your extra time and interest may increase her sense of self so that she feels secure enough to increase her social time with her age group. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child? }} [/INST] You can "move on and not live in the past" in the context of your ex-relationship, but that does not mean moving on from your child. "Moving on" then would involve accepting the end of the relationship and developing a civil relationship with your ex-partner as far as is possible for the sake of your child's development.Generally, it's good for a functional (non-abusive) parent to spend time with his/her child, but only insofar as that doesn't cause your child unnecessary stress. That requires the two adults to act like adults with each other for the sake of their child.What's confusing for children is seeing their parents act uncivilly or manipulatively. Children also do well with routines so regular dependable visitation is preferable to random visitation or, worse, not following through on commitments.But if one person is exploiting their child to harm their ex-partner, then visiting your child in that context may be stressful to him/her (depending on what you mean by using your child as a pawn). When dealing with a hostile ex-partner, your first challenge is to negotiate rules and boundaries with your ex-partner about appropriate behavior for the good of your child. If you cannot come to an agreement, a counselor can help mediate a conversation. If that's not an option, then it may be possible to turn to family court to stipulate visitation rules (for which you'd have to consult with an attorney). </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child? }} [/INST] The thing that confuses a child the most is for a parent to come and go from their life. Children have a way of making things their fault, even when they have done nothing wrong. Because of this, when parents cut off contact, the child thinks it's their fault. As hard as that already is for a child, it is even worse when a parent pops in and out of their life. This makes the belief even more strong for them. They start to think, "why does dad keep leaving? What am I doing to keep making him go away?"I believe a child needs both parents in their life. Whether she used you for a child or not, that child still exists and never asked for this. They didn't ask to be born into drama and two parents that can't make things work. You can move on and start over while still maintaining a relationship with your child. If you start over far away, this may mean less visits but you'll still be a part of their life. Just make sure when you make a commitment to this child to stick to it. Every child deserves that much. Good luck to you! :-) </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child? }} [/INST] What are the ways your ex-wife uses your child as a pawn?This answer determines the best ways to handle particular situations.Basically, distinguish that your father relationship to your child lasts has great meaning for your child and as the adult, the responsibility for managing this relationship falls on you.Your relationship to your ex wife took place between two adults and therefore you are only responsible for your own actions to repair the damage done to you.From what you write, you already have a plan in progress to do this by separating yourself as much as possible from contact with the ex.In a way the challenge of keeping active as a parent while also distancing and clearing your emotions of the hurt and betrayal done to you, will establish both a solid relationship with your child and grow more acceptance and self-forgiveness of having been taken advantage of and tricked. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child? }} [/INST] I am really glad you reached out. When parents get divorced, they still need to figure out how to have relationship so that they can parent their child. We might divorce our partners, however, we don't divorce our children. If anything our children need to know that we are still a stable force in their lives. Unfortunately, in some relationships children get used as a bargaining piece and I am hearing that may be happening in your relationship. You can move on from the relationship with your ex while still maintaining a relationship with your child. It is possible and it takes both parents to agree to do the right thing by their child. It is important for your children to have some consistency in his or her time with you. For example, if you and your ex don't have a parenting schedule it is something that you want to create so that you can not only decide for you when you will see your child, but your child can know when you will be available just for her. This will lay the foundation for consistency and allow your child to have some security in troubled times.I would highly recommend you sit down with your ex and discuss how you can both be a positive source in your child's life. How you can both be there to help raise her. If this is not a conversation that you can have on your own you might seek out help from the court. There are parenting experts and mediators who might be able to assist you.Remember, in any discussion keep the focus on what is best for your child and you will be moving in the right direction.Best of luck to you! </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child? }} [/INST] If you have a good relationship with your child then you have already accepted and been accepted as this child's parent and you have a commitment and an obligation to play that role. If you suddenly absent yourself from this child's life then you may be doing real damage. Working out an arrangement with the child's mother for regular visits the child can count on and committed to by both parents will serve the best interest of the child, which I assume is what both parents are truly concerned with. The visits don't have to be every day, once a week, even once a month, is better than hit and miss with long absences in between. Best of luck to you, and the fact that you asked the question says volumes about your parenting potential. Feel free to follow up with me, on line or in person. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child? }} [/INST] You're in a difficult situation and on behalf of you and your child, I commend you for trying to find the right thing to do.Short version: your child needs you as much as possible. period. Always. We used to think that children were almost always harmed by divorce, unless there was extreme conflict or violence. More recent data shows that children are not necessarily harmed by divorce if they keep both their parents. In other words, the damaging part is losing half of themselves and losing the value of being connected to everyone who loves them, especially the other parent, in addition to the extra benefit there is from the other parent's perspective, strengths and so on. The best thing for your child is for you to be available and loving and doing everything possible to allow the child to be whole - a person who incorporates BOTH parents. It's a tragedy for everyone to use a child to achieve adult aims, like getting back at a former spouse. In such a circumstance, your child needs you more than ever. If you and your wife have different rules and so on, your child will learn to adjust and adapt, just as they would if you remained in the household. A child quickly learns that they talk to mom about x,y,z or get away with whatever, but has different rules with dad. He/she will not be too confused in the long run. Please stay the course in dealing with a difficult ex-wife for you and your child's wellbeing. Best of luck to all. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ When my son was a teenager, we sent him to live with his dad because of the constant disrespectful attitude. A week after he graduated, his dad made him leave because of the same issues. All four parents tried to talk to him, and he just refuses help all around. He is now living with his grandparents. He had a job, and took steps to get his license and an insured vehicle. I thought he was heading down the right road, and then he tells me he quit his job because he didn’t like it. I just don’t know what to do. }} [/INST] I admire your efforts. You can continue to offer assistance for your son, but it is ultimately up to him to decide what to do with the information or ideas that you are giving to him.One thing you might try is to ask questions in a way that enables you to learn more about what he is experiencing. For example, if he is willing to talk to you about what he does on a daily basis and/or what he would like to be doing, you may be able to get a sense of what he finds difficult and find some resources to help.I might ask things like this (just as examples):Can we talk for a few minutes about some things that I would like to learn more about?I'm just looking to learn more about what has been happening for you recently and I'm not trying to make you do anything.I know you said you quit your job because you didn't like it. Could you tell me more about what you liked and what you didn't like?Do you see yourself doing the same kind of job in the future?What is it that makes you happy or what is it that you look forward to doing?Can you think of anything that I can do to be of support to you?If he is interested, you may be able to connect him with an area community college to learn more about possible job opportunities.With the way that I wrote the questions above, it probably sounds like it's relatively easy. In reality, it may not be an easy conversation and your son may choose not to discuss it with you. If that's the case, I'd remind yourself that you are trying to do everything you can. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ She cried because she lost all trust in me. Now I feel disgusting and like my heart just got stabbed, what do I do? }} [/INST] Hey! Sounds like the part of you that knows the RIGHT thing to do won here! I am so proud of you for admitting that you lied to your Mom! Sometimes lies come out of our mouths before we can even catch them because we are trying to say what the other person wants to hear. I bet that, as you begin to show her that you are not going to lie any more, she will begin to gain trust in you again! Be open with your feelings with you Mom - she is there to support you, guide you and love you! Give her lots of hugs - and give yourself one too for being so brave! Be Wise! </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her? }} [/INST] I'm sorry for what sounds like a frustrating situation.For how long has your daughter lived the way you describe and did it start all of a sudden or more gradually come on?What you write sounds like a major depressive disorder and this can start for a variety of reasons and improve in just as many different ways.Start with how you are feeling about the situation. Ask yourself for how long you will be able to tolerate the way your daughter lives and if you feel any satisfaction in your mother daughter relationship.If she is of legal age, and you don't want her to live with you, you've tried convincing her to get medical care for its own sake and to more clearly see her emotional and psychological health, and she is unwilling to take care of herself, you can discuss your options with the adult protective services agency in your state.The first step is to know what exactly is her problem so you can decide if its own you are willing to take care of or not. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her? }} [/INST] 1. She's an adult.2. She lives in your house? She follows your rules.3. What you're describing could be any number of things, but could potentially be a medical issue that needs attention. Thyroid issues, autoimmune diseases - there's a ton of medical possibilities for her symptoms. I'm not a doctor; this is a forum of therapists.4. I recommend the book "Codependent No More" which may help you navigate your rocky relationship with your adult daughter. You may be inadvertently making things worse by "helping" her which can instead enable her to continue her behaviors. Another book you may find helpful is "Boundaries: Where you end and I begin". You cannot control another person, especially an adult. The only person you can control is yourself. Tough love is sometimes needed, and she is an adult - treat her like one. Maybe then she'll act like one. If we were having this conversation in person, you would interrupt me at this point with a "but..." and then explain all the reasons why you can't tell her to move out, get a job, get up and cook or clean the house, etc. I already know that you have a myriad of excuses for things being the way they are. Yes, I said excuses instead of reasons, because that's what they are. You may feel stuck and like you have to take care of her, but you have choices - you just may not like them. I know that when children are small, parents' lives are focused around them (some more than others) and decisions are made around what is best for your child. But you said your daughter is an adult. The relationship dynamics must change if the relationship is to be a healthy one. I know how difficult it is to watch your child make life choices that you wouldn't want for them, no matter what that choice may be. As a parent, we want to force them to do what we think is "the right thing" but trying to do that only results in frustrations for everyone involved. Whether the issue is a hair color, a tattoo, a lifestyle choice, a job, or choosing not to work or take care of their health, or doing drugs, or drinking - the choice is theirs and theirs alone and so are the consequences of those choices. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My son stole my debit card and lied about it. It's not the first time he has lied. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I should punish him or make him do something. I've tried talking to him and asking if anything was wrong. I have grounded him, but nothing works. What should I do? }} [/INST] Hi Enid, You sound like a sensitive parent; I like that you talked to your son to see if anything is wrong. There is some key information here (I don't know your son's age, whether he spent any money, whether he put the card back, or how many times he's stolen), and my answer might be different depending on those details, but I'll give you my thoughts.I see it as every child's job to figure out the rules and find where their power is in the world. In order to accomplish that, many of them test limits. "What can I get away with?" is a question they have to find the answer to. If a child knows the rules, they're much more likely to not test limits (because they already know the limits). So, part of testing limits is experimenting with stealing and lying. Not all kids steal, but I would say pretty much every child lies at some point. It's a normal behaviour, and most of the time it's about small things that don't matter and we don't even find out. Stealing a debit card is a bit more serious, and I'm not surprised he lied about it. If you absolutely know that he took it, it's okay to tell him that you believe he did this thing and also lied about it. It's appropriate to give a consequence for this type of behaviour, so that the child doesn't do it again. The consequence should be as natural and logical as possible. The behaviour (stealing) was harmful to you, so doing you a favour with extra chores might be a good idea. It's funny, because as parents we try to tell our kids that lying is bad, but they know they'll get a consequence if they tell the truth so there are natural deterrents to being honest (we don't want people to know our mistakes). It's a dilemma. If you really want to focus on the lying part, you can tell him that you won't give him a consequence for the lying if he decides to come clean with the truth within one day. That gives him incentive to come to you with truth. It sometimes works with kids to give them a chance to come clean and then reward them for telling the truth. You can set your child up for success and train them to tolerate honesty. Put a cookie on the counter. Tell your child to take the cookie at some point in the day. Then ask them later if they took the cookie. You're making honesty fun. Kids love games. Basically, there's as much power in rewarding the positive behaviour as punishing the negative. If this is the first serious offence for your son, don't make a big deal of it; consequence him and see if he learns. If it's a pattern, that's different and you may want the input of a therapist. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I'm concerned about My 12 year old daughter. About a month or two ago she started walking on her toes, as well as coloring and writing very messy. This all happened very suddenly. She has never walked on her tiptoes and has always colored and written very neatly. Is this something I should be concerned abou? Any advice will help. }} [/INST] Have you asked your daughter why she's doing the behaviors you describe?Often the best way to find out why someone does something is to simply ask them their reason.Her answer will give you some guidance as to next possible steps.If she's pretending to be a fantasy figure or trying to find out how being taller feels, or walking on high heels or some other image then knowing this rules out that she has some unbearable pain in her arch which may require more practical answers such as new shoes or even indicate a medical problem.Ask if she's noticed any change in the way she walks. Maybe she doesn't know she's doing this and maybe she feels embarrassed to tell you she's doing something a bit odd.Since usually 12 year olds don't color, is it new that she started coloring?Maybe given the fact of messy handwriting, she's in a phase of pretending or reflecting on good times as a young child.Then this becomes the topic of examination.Does she feel insecure about being on the cusp of adolescence?Some of these questions can be asked directly and some are for you to first decide based on what you know of your daughter, which questions and what direction to take in understanding your daughter's motivation. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal? }} [/INST] This is your experience, your feeling and you are wondering if it is normal, which means is this common or the rule. This question about how you feel about your third child leads me to believe you are dis- turbed [etymology: agitated or stirred up]. Feelings are messages from our soul or spirit that something is not right. So, though it might be normal [common, the rule] to look forward to a one year olds nap time when you have a three year old a nine year old, the dis- turbance or stirring up in you, is important and requires your attention, your listening, if you will to your higher self. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal? }} [/INST] Congrats on being honest about the way you feel!Many people state having a favorite child so the reverse would also be possible, of having a least favorite child.Try to understand your own reasons for not liking your youngest child as much as the others.One point to consider is whether it is the child' personality or the way they interact with you which gives you the feeling of not liking this child as much as the others, or does the reason have more to do with younger children requiring more care?Also, do you generally prefer older kids to younger ones? It is possible the problem will go away as your youngest grows older.Is there another parent in the household who can make up for what you feel unable to naturally give to your youngest?Is it possible you feel your own need to be involved with activities or to have time on your own? Maybe you simply need a break from constant mothering.Continue to give as much as possible to your youngest child. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ She's in her early 20s, and she has a toddler. }} [/INST] Well, first let's identify what factors are involved in the situation about which you wrote.Are you the only decision maker regarding your stepdaughter living with you?Is her dad, and your partner, living under the same roof?Would you feel any obligation to consult with your husband about his opinion and his way of handling the situation?Have you talked with your stepdaughter about your observation and your reaction to the fact of her not honoring your boundaries?Consider too that there will be an effect on the toddler, your grandchild, if you kick out your daughter.Is your daughter financially ready to live on her own and support herself and her child?You certainly have the right to define the terms of what goes on under your roof.It is only fair to everyone that as many variables as possible, be considered.The conclusion may be that it is in everyone's best interest for your stepdaughter to move out.If everyone feels respected and a well thought out plan is developed, then the least amount of hurt and stress, and the most amount of happiness, will be possible from this change. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? }} [/INST] Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you!! I pray you have other strong and supportive loved ones or friends surrounding you. If you are in school, please consider speaking with a counselor on site who can help give you some good coping mechanisms as well as other resources.I believe most therapists would agree that this type of behavior is indicative of emotional AND verbal abuse. And quite often the two overlap because someone who is being yelled at and demeaned is also frequently having his/her emotions preyed upon as well. Healthy Place offers us some great examples of emotional abuse which certainly fit the criteria of what you describe:Yelling or swearing Name calling or insults; mocking.Threats and intimidation.Ignoring or excluding.Isolating.Humiliating.Denial of the abuse and blaming of the victim.And abuse survivor and author, Kellie Jo Holly, offers some other great examples of verbal abuse:Emotionally Abusive StatementsYou’re so cute when you try to concentrate! Look at you trying to think.I can’t believe I love a stupid jerk.Aw, come on, can’t you take a joke?Sexually Abusive StatementsYou should know how to please me by now.I hoped you were less experienced.Stop acting like a whore.Financially Abusive StatementsYou are going to nickel and dime me to death!In what world does buying that make sense?Fine. You handle your finances. Let me know when things go to hell.Societally Abusive StatementsHow dare you spread around our private business!Let me do the talking; people listen to men.You took a vow in front of God and everybody and I expect you to honor it!Threatening and Intimidating StatementsIf you don’t train that dog I’m going to rub your nose in its mess.I will take our kids if you leave me.You’re scared?! This isn’t angry! You will KNOW when I’m ANGRY!Spiritually Abusive StatementKeep your stupid beliefs to yourself.God will find a way to get you back, and it ain’t gonna be pretty.I can feel myself being pulled into hell just listening to your nonsense!It's been my personal clinical experience that children who are experiencing the types of things you describe often say they feel misunderstood, lonely, or scared and don't want to make things worse by standing up for themselves. Even if you feel you can't defend yourself outwardly, that doesn't mean your father's awful and toxic behavior is something you should ever internalize (i.e., believe to be true) which is why I hope you are surrounding yourself with people who will speak life and positivity back over you. We are ALL worthy of respect, love, and kindness. Don't ever forget that!My love and light to you hon.Tamara Powell, LMHC </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? }} [/INST] I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this.It's a little difficult to answer your question because the laws that define child abuse are different from state to state. But usually, things like what you describe your dad is doing are not considered to be child abuse.The more important thing is how you feel about what is going on. It sounds like this is really bothering you.If you don't think you can talk to your dad about how you feel, you might want to try talking to another adult you trust (like a family member or teacher). They may be able to help you figure out some ways to communicate with your dad.I think you might feel better if you can talk to someone about how your are feeling. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? }} [/INST] Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. Having said that, everyone gets upset once in awhile and may yell or scream, which can be disrespectful. You said "always, and I mean always" and that is troubling. If your dad curses and screams at you on a regular and consistent basis, it can (as you stated) impact the way you feel about yourself. While the definitions of child abuse differ from state to state, talking to someone can help. Perhaps there is a counselor at school, or another trustworthy person you could confide in to help you understand how this situation is impacting you? Counseling is a good option. There is also help available through the national hotline at 1-800-422-4453, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can call (press 1) and talk to a counselor while being anonymous. You can also check out this website: https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/resources-kids/I am sorry that you are going though this situation. There is help available. You do not have to go through this situation alone. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? }} [/INST] Yes, screaming and cussing at your child is considered abuse.Here are two points I suggest you consider for your situation.If your dad is ever calm when you and him are with one another, ask for some time to talk about your relationship with him.Schedule it for sometime in the near future from your request. This way he has time to consider his points of view on his relationship to you. Even if he does no thinking about your relationship at all, he will not feel pressured by the surprise of suddenly being expected to talk about a topic he may prefer to prepare himself.My second point to you is to keep steady in your own views of who you are. When a parent demeans and mistreats a child, the child is affected in a negative way. Concentrate on loving yourself and keeping people in your friendship circle who care about you. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ The birth mother attempted suicide several times while pregnant. The adopted mother was terminally ill upon adopting the baby and died when the child was just over one year old. The adopted father then remarried to a physically, psychologically, and emotionally abusive woman. The child was placed in foster care at 11 years old. What might be the long term effects on an adult with this childhood history? }} [/INST] The true answer is, "no one can really say with certainty".The variables are the way this child absorbs and adjusts to these significant changes in their life. All anyone can do is guess at this point and there's no good reason to guess.The only general certainty is that the adult whom this child becomes will have had a profound encounter with the biggest types of human losses a child can go through.Some people become great teachers, therapists and philosophers who have this background. Some give up on life and hide away from others.The best anyone could do who knows this child is to offer love bc this is the greatest guarantee to show there are good people on this earth. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My grandson's step-mother sends him to school with a pink Barbie backpack as a form of punishment. }} [/INST] Parents are to teach discipline to children, not punishment. Punishment is another word for wanting to cause hurt. There is a different in discipline and punishment. Punishment could have long term affects on a child's self image and growth. It can lead to others issues such as bullying from peers as well. Whatever your grandson has done, there is a much better way of getting him to understand that his actions are not acceptable. Punishment is not one them. Encourage the step-mother to build a positive relationship with him, this way he will learn to respect and trust her. His actions would improve. She may need to attend a parenting class for blended families. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My grandson's step-mother sends him to school with a pink Barbie backpack as a form of punishment. }} [/INST] Absolutely not! It is never in a child's best interest to use humiliation as punishment. This can lead to issues in the relationship between parent and child as well as the child's social relationships. Kids have a hard enough time. To then go and cause them embarrassment is unconscionable. The entire job of a parent is to prepare their child to become a successful, healthy adult. You do this by using healthy ways to teach a child when they make a mistake. Discipline shouldn't be seen as punishment. It should be seen as a way to teach a lesson. What lesson could this possibility be teaching him? Absolutely nothing. Meanwhile, she is most likely damaging her relationship with him and causing great distress in his school day and peer interactions. She should be one of the people he can come to when he's hurting; not someone who causes him pain. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do? }} [/INST] Hi! I'm sorry you are having such a tough time with this situation. I have worked with a number of young adults in their 20's who have had to move back home after college , or even stay at home through the college years. Bottom line is that either way , it is so difficult when you are trying to discover who you are and what you want your life to be , to have to live at home. I have even heard much older adults clients say that when they visit their childhood home , they suddenly feel like a "kid" again . The old dynamics between adults and their parents and siblings can pop right up as if they have gone back in time and are no longer adults !I would suggest that you approach your mom and say something like "I am hoping we can talk about the best way for us to manage me living here. I really appreciate that you are giving me a place to live until I get on my feet , and I want to be respectful of you and our home ; at the same time , though, I feel like it's important for me to have more independence than when I was younger because I am growing up and trying to learn more about myself and become more autonomous. Can we talk about what might be fair rules that we can both live with ?" If she is receptive , maybe you can each write a separate list of what you think would be fair and reasonable and then compare lists and try to make compromises and come up with a list of "guidleines" that feel fair to you both . If this is too hard to do alone , perhaps you and your mom can meet with a therapist a few times who can help you to come up with some kind of "compromise contract." This is not an easy situation , but if you can approach your mom in a calm and "mature" way and suggest a planned, structured discussion that doesn't take place in the heat of the moment , your mom may be impressed by your maturity and even more receptive to working out some rules that you can both live with.Good luck !!Elissa Gross </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do? }} [/INST] Hello. Even though legally you are an adult, it is a matter of courtesy to respect the homes of your parents. As long as you live there, you should be considerate of their needs. At the same time, there should be conversation about what each of you considers appropriate as it pertains to communication between a parent and an adult (even though you are still her offspring). This will require openness, honesty, and a willingness to give from both sides in a respectful way. Healthy boundaries can be established and honored when each is willing to do their part in this new relationship. Your mother knows you are an adult, but has not had as many years of treating you like one. So mentally and emotionally this will take some time for her to adapt. Share your concerns with her, and see if you can come up with a set of rules that you both can honor. It will be a great stepping stone for both of you as you move into this new chapter together as you begin relating a little differently.Reach out for help to a counselor if needed. You don't have to sort this out on your own. And lastly, take good care of yourself in the process. You are moving through some exciting times in your life. The more you can have support as you explore new events, the better you might feel less stressed.Warm regards. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do? }} [/INST] Hello. It sounds like you and your parents are not balanced in your communication and awareness of expectations. Your growth is not only reflected in your ability to understand and apply new knowledge and skills, it is also reflective of your parents acceptance of your understanding and application. Have you tried talking with your parents to let them know your concerns?This talking is best when face to face and during non active conflict ( can't begin stating rules during an argument, etc). Sometimes it is even helpful to write down ways you feel you can be supported by them and supportive to them. Maybe share this list or reflective piece with them to review, or use when communicating the expectations. Unfortunately, until there are clear expectations stated and expressed, the scale will be uneven and frustrations will increase. Dr. T </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do? }} [/INST] That is a really tough situation that a lot of young people are experiencing right now. The first thing to under is that you can’t change who your parents are and cannot change their behavior. The thing to keep in mind is that you can control your responses and actions. You may need to keep living at home with them for the next few months or years and the best way to do this is to have a plan. The second thing is to keep in mind that their controlling behavior is most likely not about based your behavior. Controlling parents are often driven by their concept of what will keep their children safe and happy. Unfortunately this is not always accurate but keep in mind it is not a personal attack. There are ways you can deal with controlling parents – and most of them require creating a plan of action.Examples of action plans:Decide in advance how you’ll calmly and rationally respond to your parents when you feel they’re trying to control youArrange to phone a friend or trusted adult when you feel like you’re losing controlTalk in person to an adult you trust. There aren’t any quick tips on how to deal with parents who want to control you; you need to find strategies that are geared to your specific family situation. Get specific coping tips from books about family dynamics, such as:Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan ForwardCutting Loose: An Adult's Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents by Howard HalpernA counselor can be a good resource and provide support and guidance about issues addressing normal growth and development during periods of transition. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do? }} [/INST] You're among many millennials who live with their parents due to financial reasons.Does your mother mean rules pertaining to the way your family household organizes its daily or does she mean something else?Every household needs rules as responsibilities to keep the house clean, who does the grocery shopping, the way costs are distributed for this and all the other carrying charges and tasks of maintaining the house in decent order, as well as respecting the privacy and noise level requests of others who live in the home.This set of responsibilities applies whenever more than one person lives with another person.Have you tried simply telling your mom that you're willing to be a responsible household member and that you prefer to keep the details of the way you live the rest of your life, to yourself?This would show respect to your mom and start the discussion as to the areas of your life you feel deserve privacy and how you would like to handle when your right to run your own life overlaps with any household duties. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My dad makes me feel like shit and like I'm worthless. He calls me names and makes me feel depressed. I want to move out because I swear if I stay here, I'm going to lose it. What can I do? }} [/INST] If you're actually able to afford to move out and support your own life, then this is a reasonable choice.If you're not in such a position and must continue for a while to live w your dad, then emotionally protect yourself from him.Doing so is much more difficult than maybe it sounds.Do you have privacy in your house and can you spend more time in a self-created safe space than around your dad?Also, limit the amount of dialogue you have with him so you don't offer him a chance to feel invited to criticize you.Are there other people who live in the household w you and dad?If yes, then are they similarly called names or are you singled out by him? What do the other family members do when they hear your dad calling you names?Is it possible the other family members don't realize how hurt and upset you are by your dad's behavior?If yes, then make a project for yourself to tell the other family members that you suffer from your dad's name calling.It is possible the other family members will step in and tell your dad to stop.Not necessarily that he will stop. Knowing the others support you emotionally and find you credible is helpful on its own. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My dad makes me feel like shit and like I'm worthless. He calls me names and makes me feel depressed. I want to move out because I swear if I stay here, I'm going to lose it. What can I do? }} [/INST] Are you old enough to move out? Then by all means, what's stopping you?If not, is it possible for you to move in with another family member?If you're a minor, CPS may need to step in. They often do in cases of abuse. Your safety is the number one priority.It's difficult to offer advice without knowing more about your situation. But I can say this: Don't let other people define your self worth. You can choose NOT to allow him to make you feel anything. It really is that simple. By looking at it as a choice you make, you will be empowered to take control over your emotions and learn to feel better about yourself because your self-worth will no longer be defined by what someone else says about you or how they treat you.Let me say that again in a different way: Your self-worth is NOT defined by someone else. The way he treats you is a reflection of who he is as a person - not you. Don't take ownership of that! I understand that if you are a minor, setting healthy boundaries and refusing to accept this kind of treatment can be difficult. Reach out to others for help. But if you are 18 and over, there is absolutely no excuse for you to be there having to put up with maltreatment. Put up some boundaries and create the distance needed to protect yourself emotionally. You owe it to yourself, and deserve to live a healthy, happy life. Anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I want to live with my mom. My dad gets angry and makes me feel like everything is my fault. I still talk to my mom although My dad tells me that I'm no allowed to. I'm scared I will make the wrong decision and that my dad will hate me. How do I tell him that I want to live with my mom? }} [/INST] Yes, from what you wrote, your dad doesn't accept responsibility for the way he feels and blames you for his feelings.I'm glad you recognize he's handling himself less as a grown person and more like a young child.I also understand your hurt and frustration that your father handles himself in a way which shows for now that he is unwilling to respect your wishes.Your decision is not surprising since most people wouldn't want to live with a parent who shows little interest to respect their kids' decisions.In terms of how to tell him your choice, do this in simple and most basic information terms. "I've decided for now to live w mom".I suggest to not offer reasons to him bc he doesn't seem interested in hearing them. Giving him reasons would likely trigger him to rebut them.If he asks questions, answer them as simply as possible.If and when you feel he is more willing to understand and know you, then you'd feel more free to have genuine dialogue with him.Right now he doesn't seem very ready to handle this. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I want to live with my mom. My dad gets angry and makes me feel like everything is my fault. I still talk to my mom although My dad tells me that I'm no allowed to. I'm scared I will make the wrong decision and that my dad will hate me. How do I tell him that I want to live with my mom? }} [/INST] There is a lot of information that needs to be filled in first. So what the custody arrangement? Does your dad have full custody? Is the custody shared? What does your mom think about the situation? Is she willing to go to bat for you?What is your age? Usually you have the right to choose based on age requirements set by the state.Legally you can't be kept away from your mom unless there is some legal complications that prevent it.Is your father abusive and should you seek protection?Many details need to be filled in.You can seek counseling without your parents approving or knowing, depending on your age.Find counseling through school or local agencies.You have rights and one of those is the right to choose. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I have three children: a biological daughter, a stepdaughter, and a stepson. I found out my stepdaughter overdosed today. My daughter blames me. I told her to stay out of it. I'm scared of all three kids now. They all blame me for their choices they made. All three have drug addictions. I had a stroke in 2013 so I need to depend on people from now on. }} [/INST] Blaming others is one of our greatest coping mechanisms. It is not just for addiction, and often we blame the ones closest to us. You can not stop them from blaming you, you can stop yourself for taking on the burden. We are all in charge of the choices we make. No one makes us do something other than our self. We choose how we internalize and react to situations. I would find a good therapist who understands family dynamics and addiction to help you cope with your current environment and help you move forward. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ She refuses to talk to me and told my mom (her grand mother) that she is remembering things from the past. I don't know what to do. My daughter blames me and swears she hates me. My parents say I should just let my daughter live with her dad, but I don't see how I could fix things if I only see her every other weekend. What should I do? }} [/INST] Sorry to hear about your high degree of stress.How old is your daughter?Who abused yours daughter?The answers make a difference to your decision.Obviously if the father was the abuser, then unless your ex demonstrates to you and you believe, he will not abuse her, your daughter should stay with you.If someone other than the father was the abuser and the father has a good relationship with your daughter, then it is possible that the time away from your household will give each of you time away from arguing with one another.What does your daughter tell you she wants?Her wishes must be considered too.Relationships can be fixed. Sometimes being apart helps this process because the two people each have time to reflect more deeply on what they value about the other. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ She's a teenager, and for the last two years, she's lived with her older brother. She's angry because she wants to come live with me, but my current living situation is not the best for her. She refuses to see any reason. She's being disrespectful. Her sexual curiosity is waking up. }} [/INST] You're her mom and she needs you. I would suggest focusing on connection. Since you are not currently living together, one way to do this would be to plan a date in which she gets to decide what you do together. Give her time to think about what she wants to do. As long as the activity is safe and affordable, try to do it, even if it's not your thing. While you are with her, turn off the phone and give her your undivided attention. The goal would be just for you to enjoy each other and connect. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I told her that if daddy dies, we will never see him again. She started crying because I wouldn't make her daddy die. }} [/INST] Children often have a difficult time expressing emotions accurately. It is also very likely that your daughter does not understand the permanence of death. Having said that, she is using some very specific ideas here and I would recommend contacting a local mental health professional with some experience working with children.I would also wonder where she is getting this idea. Sometimes children hear things on TV or from an adult and we are not even aware of how much they are remembering.It may be helpful to teach her things that she can do when she is angry, like say that she is mad because she cannot have the toy that she is asking for.I'm curious as to how long it is that she stays mad like this and whether she talks to her dad after she is no longer angry. Does she say the same sorts of things about you?It may also be helpful for you to work with a mental health professional (possibly the same one who is working with your daughter) so that you can have some support with this as well. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I told her that if daddy dies, we will never see him again. She started crying because I wouldn't make her daddy die. }} [/INST] Toddlers don't have the intellectual capacity to conceptualize.Better to find out why she wants daddy to die than explain the future consequences of death to your toddler.A person must be around 9, possibly 8 years old before absorbing the potential effects of an action taken in present time.Pretty much your toddler demonstrated to you here age appropriate and limited understanding of the loss of a parent, by crying that you weren't able to magically make her father disappear.Also, please pay attention and form your own opinions as to the reasons why your toddler would wish her father's death.She may be pointing out that the father behaves in frightening or harmful ways towards her. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My husband’s ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husband’s ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has "repented." It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite. }} [/INST] The information from the other therapists here is sound and prudent. There are what sounds to be real legal (is this man a RSO [registered sex offender]; is he prohibited from being in proximity to minors? use/possession of child porn violates any # of state and federal statues...) and safety issues at play here. Your husband's daughters have an immediate "need to know" and this can be done developmentally-contextual, factually and in a non-shaming fashion. I would further counsel that you and your husband (his daughters welfare is at stake) seek immediate legal counsel. The ex-wife here seems to be between a "rock and a hard place" of her own creation -- she desperately needs care, treatment for herself. Resources for Your Consideration: 1) http://www.missingkids.com/home; 2) https://www.justice.gov/criminal-ceos/citizens-guide-us-federal-law-child-pornography </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My husband’s ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husband’s ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has "repented." It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite. }} [/INST] Lorain, you're correct that your husband's ex-wife is (seriously) minimizing this problem. I have a very strong opinion here. In my book, the safety of children trumps potentially insulting or hurting the feelings of adults. Of course the girls should be told, because they have the right to know. Their voice is not the only one I'm concerned about here though. I believe your husband has the right to insist that his daughters be in a safe home, and there is clear evidence this man is not safe. This woman is putting her own comfort (she simply doesn't want to deal with her partner's situation, her own fears, or anyone else's needs) above the safety of two vulnerable girls. Honestly, if it was me, my kids wouldn't be even visiting that home with that man present, "repented" or not. It's not worth the risk. If she decides to stay with him, the natural consequence of having a known perpetrator in your home is not having access to vulnerable children in that same home. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ Her father and I have been dealing with this problem for quite some time now. She is an adolescent, and the problem is mostly food. She is now overweight, and we just don't know what to do anymore. She can be disrespectful and doesn't listen to or respect what we say. }} [/INST] I would be curious about there potentially being some emotional or physical trauma in your daughter's history that she is struggling with. Physical trauma is usually easier to identify, but emotional trauma can be feeling a lack of emotional connection in her important relationships, having experienced bullying, or some other emotional injury. The fact that there are some defiance symptoms going on suggests that she might be in need of a safe place to process what she's going through, and the potential issue with control or meeting emotional needs with food is also concerning. I would recommend looking for a therapist/counselor who works with children/adolescents in the area of addressing trauma for an assessment. They may be able to ask the right questions to see whether trauma is truly the issue. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ He is an adolescent. He has peed his pant multiple times over the last few years, all at times when he is too wrapped up in a video game or video. We have taken away games and videos for long periods of time as punishment, but after a few months of having then back, he pees his pants again. }} [/INST] Sounds as though your son is "pissed off" about something.Punishment will most likely result in more of the same, not less of the peeing you would like to stop from happening."Laziness" is more of a social judgement than it is a characteristic of its own merit.Is this your description of your son or his description of himself?First step always before addressing any of the family dynamics, emotions, and psychology of the people involved, is a medical rule out as to why your son pees at times he plays video games.If he has medical clearance that there is no physiological problem, then talk with your son on his opinions as to why he pees, if he is aware of the urge to pee and ignores it, or that his attention gets so absorbed he doesn't notice the urge to pee.See what modifications you can create by cooperating with your son.Maybe it is as simple as each two hours, he sets a timer and when it goes off, he takes a bathroom break. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ He is an adolescent. He has peed his pant multiple times over the last few years, all at times when he is too wrapped up in a video game or video. We have taken away games and videos for long periods of time as punishment, but after a few months of having then back, he pees his pants again. }} [/INST] From a behavioral standpoint you should refrain from punishing your son. Instead of utilizing punishment when he wets himself provide contingencies prior to any accidents. Sit down with your son and discuss the importance of utilizing the bathroom and responsibilities and inform him that if he chooses to wet his pants that his video games will not be available for use for him the next day(or your designated realistic time frame). This way if an accident occurs, no heated words have to be exchanged because you have already laid the ground work. Also allow him to clean up himself. Gather cleaning supplies and and oversee cleaning operations without ridicule or negative feedback. Since you have stated that you have an adolescent who is experiencing enuresis, you may want to check with your PCP and a licensed professional for underlying diagnosis that can be treated. You can also call a local behavioral analyst. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? }} [/INST] It can be tricky to figure out if a child is truly satisfied with his lack of friendships. Parents can usually tell when their child is happy. But kids who are unhappy may be masking disappointment, perhaps acting out their feelings in an aggressive manner. Others may internalize symptoms, appearing sad or withdrawn. A parent may learn a great deal by asking the teachers questions such as whether the child works with others on group projects or if he eats lunch alone. A parent can also talk with the recess supervisor about what happens on the playground, and whether your child stays on the sidelines of play, unsure of how to join the group. Therespectfully is a difference between kids who are shy but happy and kids who feel isolated because they do not know how to make friends. Itis not necessarily that there is something wrong with that child, but they will in fact need help and suggestions for breaking into a peer group Ask a child if there is someone he would like to have over to play. If a mom or dad can make the play dates happen, or if they hit on an activity the child truly enjoys, the young person may begin to forge friendships on their own. I encourage well-meaning parents to choose words carefully. Use phrases like, "Hey, I noticed something," or "Let me help you be successful." By showing respect, parents should feel more comfortable nudging their children beyond their comfort zone.When to seek professional help. When does isolation raise a red flag for long-term issues? True personality disorders are not typically diagnosed until adulthood. Still, professional counseling should be considered if the anti-social behavior is causing the child significant distress, perhaps keeping him from functioning in everyday activities. Also, parents should pay attention to how the child's social behavior changes over time such as social anxiety. The vast majority of children who define "quality time" as time alone are perfectly happy, healthy and normal. If the child is able to nurture at least one friendship, exhibiting what experts call "social reciprocity," then parents can relax, and can cherish that child who enjoys the pleasure of his or her own company. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? }} [/INST] My son plays alone at recess.Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?Every mom is the expert on their children’s behavior. First of all, I suggest checking with your son, asking him if he is happy while playing alone, or does he complain that no one wants to play with him? Does he plays alone in school, but is social in other environments, with family or neighbors?Playing alone is healthy for children, it helps them to be independent and confident, it allows them to explore their environment and use their imagination, among other benefits. On the other hand, it is also important to develop social skills early on and become confident in our skills as we grow. Children go through stages of exploration until they develop a sense of “social confidence”. Depending on your son’s age, he might need some input or advice. Provide the opportunity to interact with other children, without pushing it. Take him to the park to play with a friend or to children’s activities in your neighborhood. Later ask him, what did he thought of the activity, and if he enjoyed playing there. Children also follow their parent’s model, so you can encourage social interaction by greeting other and asking your son to do the same, ask him to receive the guests who come to the house with you and sit to enjoy the conversation. If you notice any shakiness, becoming tearful, anxious or aggressive when approaching social encounters, you may want to talk to the school counselor or children’s therapist to evaluate those symptoms and rule out any behavioral problems or social anxiety.Mi hijo juega solo en el receso.¿Debería preocuparme al respecto? ¿Debería hacer algo al respecto?Cada mama es experta en la conducta de sus hijos. Primero que nada te sugiero que revises con tu hijo y le preguntes si él se siente contento jugando solo, o si se queja porque nadie quiere jugar con él. Observa si él juega solo en la escuela, pero es sociable en otros ambientes como con la familia o los vecinos. Jugar solo puede ser saludable para los niños, les ayudo a ser independientes, desarrollan sentido de seguridad, y les permite explorar su ambiente y utilizar su imaginación, entre otros beneficios.Por otro lado, también es importante desarrollar destrezas sociales y perfeccionarlas con la práctica. Los niños van por etapas de exploración y prueba hasta que desarrollan un nivel de confianza en sus destrezas sociales. Dependiendo de la edad de tu hijo, puede que el necesite algunos consejos. Provéele la oportunidad de interactuar con otros niños, sin obligarlo. Ya sea yendo al parque a jugar con vecinos, o a actividades comunitarias infantiles con algún amigo. Luego pregúntale como le pareció la actividad y si le gusto compartir allí. También recuerda que los niños siguen el modelo de sus padres, así que puedes motivarlo invitándolo a que salude a otros después de ti, o invitándolo a recibir a la visita que llega a la casa y que los acompañe durante la conversación.Si observas que tu hijo está nervioso, lloroso, o agresivo cuando se acerca alguna actividad social, consulta con el consejero escolar o un consejero infantil para evaluar sus síntomas y descarta cualquier problema de conducta o ansiedad. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? }} [/INST] Humans are social creatures so this can be an alarming thing for a parent to deal with, just like adults children are not the same and some children are more social than others, if he plays alone at recess (all the time) it would worry myself as well, however recess is only one domain of life, does he have friends outside of school or daycare? Does he socialize in other situations or is it just at recess where this occurs? If this is a global problem occurring at other social times it may be indicative of something deeper going on, if perhaps it is occurring "just during recess" it could be something else altogether. I would request reports from all teachers and caregivers concerning socialization and make a choice on whether or not to evaluate further.Hope this helps,C </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? }} [/INST] The answer depends on how the other areas of your son's life are doing.Is he happy or does he seem happy, playing alone during recess?Does he have friends in other social circles besides the students whom he's with at recess?How is his academic progress?How is his social integration among his classmates?Are there any special or unusual circumstances in the home and family environment?Go through this list to form a fuller idea of whether your son simply likes alone time and takes this option during recess, or if any if the above areas show stress or difficulty for him and which need to be further understood and handled. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ Me and my adult daughter just do not get along. She's very belittling to me when I don't agree with her. It's almost like she scolds me. We get into all out war. She's said I don't support her in what she does and that I've never loved her. She calls me horrible names, and she pushes my buttons to the point I call her names. }} [/INST] As frustrating and probably hurtful as your daughter's comments sound, there's also a message in them about how she genuinely feels.To some degree, your daughter and you may both feel similarly misunderstood by the other.Developing ways of listening and talking to one another to better understand how you each feel, would probably help a lot.One major point to be aware, is that the mother/daughter relationship dynamic, because it is strong, may slow the new dynamic of relating as two adults.Watch for your own tendency to expect your daughter to consider you as a parenting authority, instead of considering her as a grown person.The same is true of your daughter. She may need to remind herself to talk to you as the adult she is.Her needs from you are real, they just need to be spoken to you in an adult way. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ We are the legal guardianship of our grandson. He has been acting out, and he wants to talk to his mom that has not talked to him since before last year. How are we to handle this? }} [/INST] Hi Boone, This depends a lot on his age and the situation. The younger the child is, in general, the more I would see this as your decision, not his. A child of any age should be listened to carefully about these matters, but just because a child has unresolved issues about a parent doesn't necessarily mean that having contact is a good solution. Some questions... Was the parent harmful to the child? Is the parent likely to be harmful to the child? How likely is it to be a positive experience? Do you have any contact with the parent? You may want to speak with the parent first to determine whether they are in a stable enough place to allow this to happen. I would start by asking the child more about what is on his mind. What does he want to get out of a visit with the parent? Is it to see them and know the parent is okay, to get an apology, to apologize for a perceived hurt, to have regular contact, to find out if they are loved...? What does he hope mom or dad might do or say in the visit? There are many possible goals this child might have in mind. This will give you a sense of what's missing for the child; what need are they trying to fill. Once you know the need, try to determine the likelihood of that need being met successfully through contact.Once you determine the risk of the child's need not being met, then you decide whether it makes sense. The older the child, the more able they are to determine this with you or for themselves. There are other options than a face-to-face. He can write to his mom or dad, text or email. It's likely that the child is looking for a sense that he is loved, wanted, worth some effort. When a child is separated from a parent, they tend to blame themselves. Whether he sees the parent or not, he will need extra love, attention and support than a child who has two loving, present parents. I wish him the best and I'm grateful for the love and support you continue to give your grandson. You're very special! </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don’t deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I’m not sure how to handle this. }} [/INST] Hi Arkansas, Your situation sounds like a case of parental alienation. Your ex-partner unfortunately has the power to say things to your children that poison their relationship with you. It's a form of woman abuse and child abuse. He's likely doing this to hurt you and have power over you, and he's not considering how it's affecting the kids. I've seen this happen in many families; parents who once had a strong loving relationship with their children suddenly feel abandoned in favor of the other parent. In some cases, children actually stop having contact with one parent, who is left bewildered and powerless. It's your ex's job to support your relationship with your kids, not try to destroy it. While you can't change his behaviours, and I think you know that, there are things you can do for yourself and your kids. For your children, you can refuse to enter into the war he's setting up. He's trying to provoke you into acting "crazy", but you don't have to fall for this. If you run around screaming "he's lying!", it only makes you look more 'crazy'. Try to stay calm, and don't put their dad down to them, no matter how tempting it is. One day, they may be ready to hear the truth of your relationship with their father, but wait until they ask. Trust that they have their own experience of their dad, and trust that he doesn't have the power to destroy their love for you. Children, in the long term, lose respect for parents who denigrate the other parent. They see who their dad is already, I'd bet, but they don't know how to cope with that. If he's the only one fighting a war, you're helping them feel less trapped in a parental conflict. Don't engage on his level. Don't blame your children completely. Although I have to say that for them to call you names like crazy is not acceptable and you don't need to tolerate that disrespect, try to deal with this behaviour without bringing their dad into it. They are acting out their father's agenda, likely because they instinctively see his weakness. Children often support the weaker parent, rather than abandon them. You get the worst because they trust your love. But you can still have boundaries. Letting them abuse you isn't the answer, but have compassion for their position. This picture isn't their fault, but as adults, they can be held accountable for their choices.Reassure yourself that you are the mom you know you are. You don't need them to gush all over you in order to know that you made sacrifices. Hold onto the likelihood that some day, they will come back and be grateful. It may take a while, you can't rush it, but they will see you for who you are. Your power is in giving them a consistently calm, generous, connected, supportive mom who refuses to play games or be walked on. I'd recommend trying to connect with other parents who experience this phenomenon, or a therapist who can reinforce these goals and help keep you grounded. Good luck! </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don’t deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I’m not sure how to handle this. }} [/INST] Hi, I understand what you're going through. Your daughters favor him because he has done no wrong in their eyes. Im guessing they lived with you? Growing up I was the same way.. I favoured my dad, thinking he has done no wrong. He also abused my mother multiple times, and that never came to mind. kids like their other parent more mainly because they don't see them everyday, and they usually buy them everything they want, because all he does it pay child support (by force) and then spoil their kids to make them happy. You seem like a great mom, don't doubt yourself. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don’t deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I’m not sure how to handle this. }} [/INST] It sounds really difficult to know that your daughter may be "choosing" her dad over you, perhaps I can help by saying her intense emotional reactions towards you actually acknowledge how much safer and connected she feels towards you. We tend to have big emotions around those we care for most. I would suggest to let her know how hard it is to hear that, and sad it make you feel at times, and that this is hard for everyone. Expressing your feelings to here, will allow her to express hers too. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ We live with my ex-partner’s sister and her husband. We have been there for five years now. They are Hispanic and talk to my daughter in their language. Sometimes they overstep their balance between aunt and uncle and reach into my role as a parent. They neglect to see this. I do, and it reflects in my child's behavior. She sees them as stable but is upset that her dad isn't here, and my intuition tells me she blames me to a degree because she doesn't know about his alcohol addictions. }} [/INST] Hi New York, I'm happy to hear that your daughter doesn't know about her dad's addictions. Although you don't say how old she is, and I imagine that at some point in her life she will be ready to know the truth, I trust your instinct that now is not the time. Your ability to have clear boundaries about what is adult conversation and what is suitable for a child to know are really important here, and I can tell you're being appropriately protective and a thoughtful parent. As much as this helps your daughter, I sense that you also know you can't take away the emotional pain that comes from having an absent parent. Children tend to blame themselves for a parent's absence. These children need extra love and support wherever they can get it.You say that you feel like there is a wedge between you and your daughter. I understand that having your ex partner's relatives in the same home would make it uncomfortable at times. It is very important to establish boundaries; only you should parent your daughter, but it's also natural for people to want to assist you. Let's trust that their intentions are good, if there is no evidence to the contrary. As much as they support you, they also have emotional ties to your daughter's father. While there is potential for discomfort in this complex situation, there are also many positive factors here that I invite you to see.I don't know what your culture is, but for your daughter to have the opportunity to preserve her father's heritage language and a relationship with his family are potentially wonderful additions to her life. In general, the more adults around loving and supporting a child, the better. It could be that you are feeling threatened by small moments where there appears to be a special connection between your daughter and her father's family. Nothing anyone else does can take your daughter's love from you. My hope for you is that you can feel so secure in your own position as loving mother that you will not feel intimidated by other positive connections your daughter has. They are potentially wonderful connections, and she deserves your support in maintaining those relationships if they don't harm her.I suggest that the most important alliances to work on here are between you and your ex's family. If you could all give your daughter the gift of a healthy, united supportive and loving safety net for her...that's the best outcome of all. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My brother just broke up with his girlfriend. While they were dating for the past two years, her son spent the weekends with me and my mother. Now she doesn't think her son should have any interaction with us. How should we approach the situation? Is she doing the right thing for her child? }} [/INST] Hi Tampa, I get that this is a loss for all of you; you have bonded with this child as a result of the significant time you have spent with him. He's a lucky boy to have had you all taking care of him. Certainly, it seems that his mother might not be making the best decision for her son; if you are willing to maintain the relationship, it would be good for him to still have that contact. In my book, the more people loving a child, the better. But, ultimately, she has the right to make these decisions. To oppose her won't likely do any good. You can focus on grieving this relationship and supporting your brother through his loss as well. </s>
<s>[INST] <<SYS>> {{ give the helpful answer what user asked}} <</SYS>> {{ My mother-in-law is mentally ill. She has been for most of her life. She cuts herself. She has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for about 40 years. She has voices in her head that tell her to cut herself. She has had multiple shock therapy treatments, and she’s on enough medication to take down an elephant. Her parental rights for her two children were taken away from her when my husband was a boy—he is now in his late 30s. She doesn’t even have custody of herself. She hasn’t asked yet, but she has been insinuating that she wants to babysit my child. How do I go about saying no without creating an issue? }} [/INST] Hi Fontana,Thanks for providing all the details needed in order to respond to your question. It seems very clear to me that "no" would be the appropriate response. I like your healthy boundaries, and I'll help you explore possible ways to respond to her. First, she hasn't asked yet, and you don't know that she will. Right now, you can pleasantly ignore her hints. They're not hurting you and if you ignore them, they're more likely to go away. You can address and reduce your own anxiety about the possibility of her asking by reassuring yourself that you have the right as parents to make this decision, and that if she's offended, that doesn't mean that you're being mean; it means that she has unrealistic expectations. So, the first goal is to put it out of your mind as a worry. You might never have to face that moment. But, I understand that you want to be prepared.As her son, perhaps your husband is the best one to answer the question, should it ever come. Is he willing to do this? But if you are comfortable, and if you're the one she asks, you can confidently give her a simple, honest response about why it won't happen. And I would suggest presenting a firmly closed door, rather than saying "but maybe later". No need to apologize or hum and haw..."We love that you want to be around Junior, and we definitely want you in his/her life. (try to leave out the "but" here). You're not in a healthy place, and we're not comfortable with you caring for him/her on your own."If she pushes the issue, this is evidence of her denial or inappropriate boundaries. I'd let her know that it's not negotiable, that you understand if she's disappointed, but you're not open to discussing the issue. Really, there's nothing to discuss. Learning not to take responsibility for her emotions is part of having an ill person in your life. I wish you the best. </s>

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