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"<s>[INST]Escalating disagreements between mother and wife [/INST]  What you are describing is something psychologists have termed ""triangulation"" which is what happens when one family member will not talk to the one they have a problem with and goes to a third member of the family to complain instead. You have been ""triangulated"" by your wife and mother.This is often seen in families. It's seen everywhere. How many times have you had a problem with someone but you didn't go to them to tell them, you went to someone else to complain? It is usually difficult for a person to confront another, especially in relationships where there is a power differential. For example, I bet it's easier to complain to a coworker about your boss rather than go to the boss with your complaint.I'm not saying triangulation is always a bad thing. Sometimes a third party mediator is needed to help solve problems between two people who disagree. That's what therapists do every day! Sometimes just getting someone else's perspective can help you see the issue clearer. However, in your situation it sounds like this is becoming a problem. You are stuck in the middle between two people that love you and that you love.If you want to put a stop to this triangulation, you will need to encourage the two of them to talk to each other and work out their differences. Perhaps it was a simple misunderstanding that some open communication can clear up. Even if they really don't like each other and can't get along, your relationship with the both of them is going to continue to deteriorate the longer you are stuck in the middle.?Try to understand what might be the feelings behind their behavior. It is possible that they may both feel threatened by the other. These are the two most important women in your life and they both know it. Your mother may be afraid that she will lose you if she confronts your wife. I heard one mother-in-law describe her son's wife as the gateway to her son. The wife has the power to dictate when and how often the mother gets to see her son. The wife also is the gateway to the grandchildren. If your wife doesn't like her mother-in-law she can severely hamper or damage her mother-in-law's relationship with you and any children you two may have. From your wife's viewpoint, this is the woman that she may feel like she can never live up to. If you regularly praise your mom's cooking, her housework, gardening, or anything else your wife may feel that you are putting down her own efforts in these areas and can feel unappreciated. This can be especially difficult if your wife and mother are nothing alike. I am not saying that this is the case with your family's situation. These are just a few examples from other families in a similar situation as yours.?Regardless of what the cause is, if this dysfunctional pattern is allowed to continue, your mom and your wife will begin to get upset with you when you don't agree with them. They will get upset if you don't align yourself with them against the other. They will be offended when it seems like you are choosing the other one's side or that you are not standing up for them like they think you should. In worst cases, if it continues to escalate you may even find yourself in the impossible position of having to choose between your wife and your mother which may mean cutting off contact with the other, ending that relationship. Change the dynamics before it spirals even further. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop? [/INST]  Hi. Good for you in planning ahead to do what's healthiest for your baby (and yourself). That's a great first step! It's also good that you are able to identify that it's not always a physical need that's driving the addiction.For the next steps, I would suggest trying to figure out when the psychological cravings for a cigarette occur. The psychological (or mental) cravings are usually based out of habit, such as having a cigarette after a meal. And if you're consciously trying to quit, you'll find the craving starts with simply thinking about having a cigarette, then usually moves on to thinking about how good it made you feel, etc., etc. Well, if I'm on a diet and I continue to let myself think about the ice cream sitting in the freezer, eventually I'll give in and eat it.You're going to have thoughts about smoking a cigarette. That's normal and, for the most part, out of your control. But you choose whether or not to CONTINUE thinking and dwelling about it after that initial thought. That's what you would have to work on changing. When you have that initial thought, acknowledge it (""Ok, I kind of want a cigarette now.""), but then change the thoughts that typically follow. Distract yourself, think about something else, do something else, whatever it takes to get your mind off of that cigarette.I've suggested to clients before that they should plan these scenarios out ahead of time so they already know what they're going to do when the time comes. Write down when you usually have the craving for a cigarette and then write down new thoughts or things to do to get your mind off of it. Eventually, it will become easier and easier to brush off that initial thought until you no longer have it.Best of luck, and you have a really great motivator to quit - your baby! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Keeping secrets from my family [/INST]  It sounds like keeping the secrets has become a problem for you now. There are several things to consider before you make a decision.- You mentioned that you don't want your wife and mom to know because you don't want to hurt them – why would it hurt them??- Is it necessary for them to know this information?- What are the consequences of either telling them the truth or not telling them? (for you and for your wife and mom).- Once you have considered these, think of what you would tell your friend if they were in your exact situation?- Also, if your wife or mom were in your situation right now, what do you think they would do themselves?- If your wife and mom were in this situation, how would you feel? Would you want to know the secrets?- How has keeping these secrets affected your own mental and physical health?Once you have looked at the problem from all angles, you will be able to better make a decision on whether it is right to tell them or not. </s>"
"<s>[INST]The Underlying Causes of Being Possessive [/INST]  Hi there. It's great you are able to realize there are other issues going on with someone who feels possessive. At the root of it is fear. Fear of losing someone, fear of being alone, fear of not being good enough. All those fears can lead to low self-esteem and feeling like you have to control other people so you don't lose them. The thing is, controlling other people only pushes them away. Vicious circle, right??What I would suggest is some cognitive therapy to change those underlying ways of thinking. You can start with this assignment. Write down all the things you think about yourself, positive and not-so-positive. Then rewrite those not-so-positive things so they are positive. For example, thinking something like, ""I'm too pushy"", can be rewritten as, ""I'm assertive and I go after what I want."" It can be hard to do since we tend to get ""stuck"" in our negative ways of thinking about ourselves. If you have someone you trust, you can ask for their help as well since most likely they see you differently than you see yourself.Finding a good cognitive therapist can help you further, but if that's not an option for you right now, there are lots of self-help books and websites that are out there. You've already taken the first step, so keep moving forward. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Can I control anxiety without medication? [/INST]  You didn't say what or how many medications you've tried. Certain anxiety medications can make you feel nauseous, but I haven't heard of any that cause mouth blisters, so there may be some other underlying medical issue there. I would definitely talk to your primary care physician and whoever has prescribed the medication as well as a neurologist if you've suffered a severe head injury. There are so many medications available for anxiety or insomnia or even depression that there may be others with lesser side effects.But beyond that, have you tried any other treatments such as deep breathing or meditation? Meditation can be very effective, but it takes practice and you don't have to sit cross-legged for hours chanting ""Ohm"" to meditate. It's about focusing on your breath, rather than all the thoughts that are racing through your head. And when they do take your mind off your breath, simply refocus (and refocus and refocus). Like I said, it takes practice, so don't give up. You can find many sites offering different ways to meditate, so look around and see what works best for you. Like medication, you just have to find the one that works best and that might take some experimentation.I hope this helps and best of luck to you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I break an unhealthy relationship pattern? [/INST]  It is a good thing that you have recognized that you have been in some unhealthy relationships and that you are wanting to break this pattern.  You seem to have some good insight into the situation.The type of behavior that you are describing is usually rooted in childhood issues with insecure attachment bonds with your caregivers, childhood trauma and/or abuse or neglect, or dysfunctional family issues that did not allow you to develop healthy boundaries for yourself or a sense of self.  This is something that is going to take some time to work through in therapy.  I recommend a book titled Boundaries: Where you end and I begin by Anne Katherine.  Another book that might be helpful is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.?In the meantime, until you can work through your personal issues, absolutely do not enter into another relationship.  Take however long you need to and work on becoming a whole, happy, emotionally healthy person on your own.  Needing another person to define you is problematic.  Thats too much to expect from any individual.For a relationship to be healthy and happy, both people in the relationship first need to be a whole person on their own.  That means having a clear sense of self, knowing who you are and what you want, knowing how to set healthy boundaries, and knowing how to meet your own needs.  It is unreasonable to expect your partner to meet all of your needs all of the time.  There will be times that they wont be able to meet your needs.  You have to know how to meet those yourself.?When you are working on becoming the best you that you can be, eventually the right person will come into your life.  Then you can CHOOSE to be with someone because you want them in your life instead of feeling like you NEED them to complete you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I have anger issues. I am extremely explosive about the simplest things [/INST]  I suggest that you work on emotional awareness.?Emotional awareness basically means knowing what you are feeling and why.Emotional awareness also means that you can identify the link between the way you are feeling and your actions. In other words knowing that your feelings dictate what you do.Often feelings of hurt or insecurity can come out as anger if we cannot properly identify and express the feelings.Being emotionally aware also means that you are able to express your feelings to others.  Being unable to do so leads to feelings of frustration and being misunderstood.Many people for many different reasons are not in touch with their emotions.  For example, men traditionally have been brought up taught to not express sadness or weakness.  Therefore, many men learned to turn feelings of sadness, insecurities, or fears into anger and express these feelings as anger.  Being taught not to feel a certain emotion does not make that emotion disappear.  Instead it makes us learn how to express it in other, incorrect, ways.  If a man never learns to say I am sad or that really hurt my feelings and instead lashes out in anger, then the response they get from those around them will be to the anger and not a response to the underlying true feeling, which will leave the man feeling alone and misunderstood.You can control yourself and not explode.  Walk away, remove yourself from the situation, do whatever you have to do to not lash out.  Instead of reacting the way you normally would, go somewhere by yourself and think about what just happened and try to understand why such a simple thing upset you.  What is the real feeling driving these outbursts?  Maybe you can begin to recognize an underlying pattern.?It might help to keep an anger journal.  Write down everything that gets you upset.  That might help you see a pattern and pinpoint what may be setting you off.  Talking with a therapist about this would be beneficial in helping pinpoint the underlying cause of the outbursts you are experience.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]I’ve suffered from insomnia and nightmares for about 3 years [/INST]  First of all, exercise is always beneficial for your physical and emotional health. That's great that you have added this in your routine. Have you also considered altering your diet? Certain foods are linked with poor sleep. For example, alcohol, caffeine, nicotine and high fat content foods do not bode well with quality sleep, especially right before bed time.??On the other hand, warm milk and foods high in carbohydrates have actually shown to positively impact sleep.Additionally, at bed time it's important to keep your room dim, cool and without distractions (i.e. TV, IPad, Phone). Stick to a sleep routine and avoid any activities close to bed time that demand a lot of attention and energy.As far as your nightmares, there could be many causes contributing to them. Certain foods (many of the ones mentioned) or medications could be the culprit. Doing a bit of research into the ones you are consuming may help you eliminate the offender.?You may also benefit from talk therapy with a qualified therapist to discuss any underlying issues you are experiencing. Oftentimes, depression and anxiety can manifest themselves during sleep, causing nightmares.?Finally, Yoga has shown to be very beneficial for quality sleep. There are many instructional videos available that can introduce you to the practice if you'd rather not join a class right away.?Best of luck to you and I sincerely hope you are able to catch up on some well deserved Z's! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Unethical Therapy Practices [/INST]  I will admit I am confused about this question.  Are you the other parent in question or a concerned coworker of this therapist??Therapists do not prescribe or have access to medication.  Most therapists won't even get involved in a custody battle.  They know there is a good chance of their records ending up in court and that they themselves will have to testify in court.  Of course, therapists are human and can make mistakes, but I find it highly unlikely that a therapist would knowingly and willingly do something like this that is such a major ethical violation.  Not only are they losing their license to practice by doing this, they are going to face criminal charges and jail time.  If their clinical judgment is that the other parent is a danger to the child, they don't have to resort to illegal means to try to prove this.?If you have concrete proof that this has happened then there is a process in which you can file a report against the therapist with their licensure board.  Every therapist is licensed in their state.  There are different types of licensures so you would need to know this therapist's licensure.Most accusations from the other parent are expected in a custody situation because people do tend to get quite ugly.  Don't accuse the therapist or the parent of anything just to try to make yourself look better and them look bad.  Have evidence of wrongdoing before accusing them of this.  If this has really happened then of course it needs to be reported, but don't try to ruin someone's career unless you are sure this occurred. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My friends accusing me of having problems [/INST]  It sounds like your confused as to why your friends would be calling you a hypocrite when they act in the same manner, correct? Communication is key to any relationship. I would recommend speaking with your friends face-to-face to address why they feel your behavior is concerning.?In-person contact is the best method of sorting out differences considering texts, emails or any written response can be misconstrued. Be upfront with them and let them know that being accused of hypocrisy is hurtful and you feel it is unfounded. If after speaking with them you feel that they have valid reasons for the way they are feeling, maybe you can consider modifying your behavior accordingly. Especially if this friendship is valuable to you. However, make sure they are aware that there is a respectful way to address these issues and name calling is not one of them.?On the other hand, if you feel that their reasons are indeed unfounded, it may be best to distance yourself from the relationship. Not all friendships are healthy ones. And it is important that you surround yourself with people who are an asset to your self esteem as opposed to those that hinder it.I hope you are able to get this matter sorted. Best of luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]About a year ago I found out my husband had cheated on me. [/INST]  First of all, my heart goes out to you. Infidelity is an extremely challenging obstacle to overcome. There are some things that you should consider. First of all, did he seem truly remorseful? If you felt in his heart that he was truly sorry for what he had done, it will give you a piece of mind that it was a? mistake.?Secondly, was he forthcoming with this information? How about with answering your questions after the truth was uncovered? If you found that he was still lying or not forthcoming, the sting is even more painful. He should be able to answer any question you have honestly and without hesitation.Thirdly, has he shown a positive difference after this experience? At this time, he should still be proving his faithfulness to the marriage, you and the children.Keep in mind that experiencing infidelity is a form of grief. It is not a quick process that can easily be overcome. What you are experiencing is 100% normal.?My best suggestion would be to see a marriage therapist. Find out what drove your husband to cheat in the first place and decide if this aspect in his life has been resolved. I know its important for you to keep your family together but children can sense anger and frustration, this is not a healthy environment either. If you decide that you can no longer remain in the relationship, a therapist will also be able to help you cope with the separation along with addressing your children's needs.Please know that you are not alone and that unfortunately, many relationships have endured this very thing. It may also be helpful to reach out to people who have experienced similar obstacles. The web is a great resource to find groups whether online or in person to use as a support or sounding board.Best of luck to you and your family! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Sleeping, Anger and Anxiety [/INST]  It sounds as if you may be experiencing a bout of anxiety and/or depression. Sleeping difficulties, irritability and anxiety attacks all are correlated with these mood disorders. And its actually quite common for someone to deal encounter this during their lifetime.?Also, keep in mind that just because you are experiencing this now does not mean that you will be dealing with it the rest of your life. Many times, it can be a single episode and if treatment is received, you can help prevent any recurrent episodes.However, you may want to first talk with your primary physician to rule out any medical issues that could be causing these problems. There may be a reason for the sudden onset of these symptoms that can be addressed quickly.?On the other hand, if it is determined that you are experiencing anxiety and/or depression without a medical reason, there are two methods that are very helpful in your treatment:#1 Talk therapy with a certified therapistHe/She will be able to address the concerns youre experiencing and discovering if there is an underlying issue that may be causing it.#2 MedicationThere are many medications that can assist you with the feelings that you are experiencing. Your doctor will be able to help you find the right one that works for you. If one doesnt work, keep trying. There are many different options to address your specific needs.Also, a combination of these two options is extremely beneficial!Thank you for your question. I sincerely hope that you feel better soon! </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm losing my husband because my lack of sex drive [/INST]  Im sorry to hear about your current situation. My heart goes out to you during this time.First of all, it is of vital importance that you discuss your symptoms with your doctor. Regardless of whether you are able to mend your relationship with your husband, you need to address the physical issues you are experiencing. More than likely he/she will be able to help you relieve some of these symptoms.Secondly, you must be upfront and honest with your husband. Intimacy is a large part of a relationship and it is unfair to your husband that you did not disclose how you were feeling. I think he would appreciate knowing that it was your medical problems causing the lack of sexual desire as opposed to the reason being him.If you explain to him that you are addressing your sexual issues with your doctor in order to enhance your relationship, he may be more willing to see that you are serious in wanting to mend the relationship.?The conversation will be hard to explain to your doctor and your husband since it is of such a personal nature but it will be extremely beneficial. And please note that the reason for the feelings you were experiencing (or lack thereof), was not your fault.Best of luck to you and your husband! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Sleeping, Anger and Anxiety [/INST]  Hi there. I have to commend you on reaching out to get some answers on why you are feeling the way that you are feeling. A lot of people secretly go about their lives every day feeling this way because they are too afraid of what the answer might be.First off, what stressors do you have in your life right now? Financial, relationship and unemployment are all common stressors for people. They can often make it difficult for us to sleep at night due to the constant racing thoughts and wonders of how you will deal with it all.?Secondly, do you have a history of depression or does depression run in your family? Some of the symptoms listed here in this question (i.e. trouble sleeping, constant fatigue, too much sleep, anger & anxiety) are all common symptoms of depression. Often times, these symptoms can be overlooked and mistaken for ""just being tired.""?Furthermore, it's important to ask yourself, if you are feeling worthless, problems with concentration and recurrent thoughts of death. If you are having these symptoms, please seek help IMMEDIATELY.?Lastly, considering your stated symptoms I would recommend reaching out to your Doctor for further consult. It's always better to be safe and the earlier you catch the symptoms the faster you will get to feeling better!  do Some helpful tips for the your Doctor would be to monitor your sleep habits (i.e. how much or little are you sleeping), make a list of your triggers for your anger outbursts as well as your triggers for your anxiety attacks.?I hope this was helpful and the best of luck to you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I need help of letting go of a man who hurt me but it’s so hard. How do I do it? [/INST]  It is incredibly hard to let go of a relationship that was meaningful in your life. Even though you consider the relationship to be a hurtful one, Im sure there are some aspects about it that are hard to let go of (i.e. time invested, mutual friends, positive memories, etc). So it is very understandable why its hard for you.?However, the most important piece here is that you know that this relationship is harmful. That is great that you have recognized this. Unfortunately, some men and women do not realize the damaging and hurtful situation that that they are really in.Keep in mind that the longer you stay in this relationship, the longer it will be until you find the RIGHT person. You are doing this to better yourself and your future. Look at it this way, being in a destructive relationship is comparable to an illness or disease. You are simply, taking the correct measures to rid you of this sickness and to get well.It may also help to write down a list of negative aspects of the relationship and keep it close if times arise when you begin to question yourself or start to miss this person. Constant reminders of why you ended the relationship will be helpful to keep you on right track and in the right mind setting.It will be difficult, but its doable. Give your chance to start on your deserved happiness now.Best of luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]My parents are threatening to get rid of the only things I still care about [/INST]  It sounds to me like you have had a lot going on and now you are afraid you are going to lose the last things you care about, your pets.  I do not know what all is going on in your family, and I cannot answer for your dads actions or his reasoning behind this.I would recommend that you focus on developing healthy coping skills.  We cannot change what others do but we can change how what they do affects us.  If you have all of your emotions and all of yourself tied up into one thing (like your pets) then when that thing is taken away it causes a lot of emotional distress.  It is really good to have a wide variety of interests such as friends, hobbies, games, etc.  Develop other things that you care about and are passionate about.Another reason for developing healthy coping skills to deal with whatever might be going on in your life is if you dont have healthy ones, you may develop some very unhealthy ones.  You have to cope somehow, right?  Developing unhealthy ways of coping with life is only going to make life more difficult for you.I dont know if this is what it is like for you at your house, but there are two kinds of household environments that can cause dysfunction in children. One is when you grow up in a very rigid stern household where all decisions are made for you and you feel like you have no control over anything. The other is a household where things were chaotic and you never knew what was going to happen next and had no stability. People need to have some stability in their lives and need to feel in control over some things in order to feel safe.  Both of these environments can lead you to develop some unhealthy ways of coping with life.  Please talk to a trusted adult about your feelings before it gets any worse. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My girlfriend broke up with me but I want her back.  What do I do? [/INST]  I am sorry to hear of these troubles.  I see a few issues here.  I wonder why you were both trying to get pregnant when the relationship seemed troubled?  Some people think that they can fix a broken relationship by getting pregnant, and all this does is bring up more problems.You say you never treated her badly, and I believe you.  People in a relationship can still be unhappy even when there is no abuse or mistreatment going on.  In fact, giving too much of yourself to the relationship and not having a self outside of this relationship can be unhealthy.  It takes two whole, healthy, happy people who are that way when they are single to come together to make a whole, healthy, happy couple in a relationship.  Expecting your partner to meet all your needs or to provide your happiness is not going to work.There are two books that I recommend you buy and read.  One is Codependent No More.  The other is Can My Relationship Be Saved?Sometimes when you cling and try even harder to hold onto someone, it makes you both miserable.  You cannot change her and cannot change her mind.  Sometimes the best thing is to let go.  If it is meant to be, you will end up back together again.  It seems like this is something that she needs to decide since she is the one that keeps doing the leaving.  I suggest backing off and letting her go.  Maybe she needs time to clear her head and make up her mind.  If it is meant to be, she will come back. If not, use this time to work on being a healthy happy you on your own. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I endured sexual and physical abuse by my brother as child [/INST]  I will assume that for whatever reason, you either do not want to or are not able to seek counseling for this.  However, I highly urge you to do so because long-term childhood abuse does have negative consequences for your life as an adult, as it seems you are already aware.?There are confidential and free crisis hotlines that you can call that deal with sexual abuse.  Some/most also offer free counseling services in local areas.  That would be a good place to start looking, especially if cost of counseling is an issue.The important thing to know is that what happened was not your fault and that you deserve to live a happy life free of the past.  Having anger and trust issues after something like this is a perfectly normal reaction to what happened to you.  Angry?  Yes! At your brother for what he did, at your parents for not protecting you.  Having trouble trusting?  Of course!  The very people who were supposed to love and protect you hurt you instead. Two books that might help you are Codependent No More and Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I get people to listen? [/INST]  Hi there. Being 15 years old can be a very difficult time in your teenage life. I remember when I was 15 and how I often felt my parents werent listening to me. Its even more difficult when you feel that you do not have a friend that you can confide in.?Having depression in the past and being able to get through it shows me that you can get through anything! Depression alone is a very difficult problem to work through. In addition to the communication problem with your parents, it appears that you are also struggling with stress and anxiety. We all have stress and anxiety in our lives. If we didnt, none of us would be living. Anxiety & stress keep us on our toes! Often, I have to remind myself of this as well. However, it is how we manage stress and anxiety, so it will not overcome our lives.?Are you familiar with relaxation techniques, such as: deep breathing exercises, meditation or yoga? Relaxation Techniques can help you tremendously in reducing your stress and anxiety.?Deep breathing exercises are helpful when you are on the go, such as school, shopping, out with friends or whatever extracurricular activities you engage in.  Most people do not take full advantage of their lung capacity. I know, that sounds silly. But, its true. You would be surprised how much air you lungs can hold. Imagine being in the Doctors office and taking deep breaths. This is what you want to do when you are feeling overwhelmed and/or stressed. Take a moment to take in at least 10 deep breaths and let them out slowly. You will be surprised how well you feel afterwards.?Meditation and Yoga are also healthy forms to working through stress and anxiety. You will need a quiet place for your meditation. You want to be in the moment and take in the peace and serenity. All it takes is a quiet place, closing your eyes and thinking of your happy place. Some people use meditation music as well. If you have access to this type of music and or the internet for more ways to practice meditation, please go for it!?Yoga on the other hand will take a little more work and practice. I would not suggest you learning this on your own, if you have never attempted yoga before. Find an experienced Yoga instructor to teach you the ropes and/or ask your school counselor about the possibility of getting someone to come to the school to teach the students.?Lastly, in regards to your parents it is very important to be able to have a relationship where you feel comfortable communicating. I would recommend writing a letter to them, if you are unable to express how you feel in person. A letter is more intimate and requires a little more effort on their end. If they are open on working on this relationship, maybe suggest family counseling to fully work on this issue.?I hope this was helpful for you and I wish you the best!? </s>"
"<s>[INST]Dealing with an unfaithful and judgmental significant other [/INST]  I don't think youve lost something, I think youve found something - your breaking point, and it's about time. Your boyfriend seems to be a very selfish and immature man who reconnects with you when it's convenient for him. Obviously, he has his own issues, but I want to address yours. I agree you need to talk to someone. The fact that youve put up with his repeated cheating and then letting him blame you for it (by saying you're not affectionate enough, etc.), tells me you probably have low self-esteem and have likely told yourself over the years that you don't deserve any better. You do! You may truly love this guy, but based on his behaviors, he does not love you, not in the way you deserve. ?And although you may want to believe he can change, he has proved over and over again that he's not willing to, so you need to do what is best for you and your children. What would you tell your daughters if someone was treating them this way? Would you want your sons to treat women this way? That's what you're teaching your children when they see this.Like I said, I agree that you should talk to someone. You can ask your boyfriend to go too, but my guess is he won't. Even if he does, you should still see someone individually to work on YOU. I understand it's not easy to just kick him out, especially since you have children together, but a counselor can help you talk through all the details while?helping you raise your self-esteem and self-worth. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I control my sexual urges? [/INST]  Anything can become an addiction.? Eating, gambling, shopping, sex, even exercising.? It sounds like this has become a behavioral addiction for you.? A therapist can help you identify the underlying reasons and help you learn to control the urges and develop healthier coping skills.?People turn to an activity that makes them feel better when something is bothering them emotionally or mentally.? Anything can become a problem if you overuse it.? This is why it is important to have a healthy balance of activities in your life; more than one thing that you can turn to in order to help you cope.? Addictions are formed when we turn to the same thing over and over again.? Sex is a very powerful addiction for some people.? It makes us feel good.? We get pleasure from it.?I had a client that turned to eating as her addiction.? The advice I gave her applies to your situation as well.? Eating is something that we have to do and that an addict cannot cold turkey and walk away from.? My client could not tell when she felt the urge to eat if it was because she was hungry or because she was upset about something and was subconsciously turning to food to make her feel better.? Her body was telling her brain that she needed to eat.? I asked her to first STOP and THINK when she felt the urge to eat.? Look at the clock and mark the time.? Tell herself that in one hour if she was still hungry then she could eat, but that she needed to find something else to occupy her mind and her time until the hour had passed.? She tried this for a week.She said it worked.? She would get busy reading a book, watching TV, or would go for a walk around her neighborhood for exercise and these activities would take her mind off things and the hour would pass and she wouldnt even notice the time.? What this did for her was stop an unhealthy behavior and replace it with some healthier activities.? She had to learn to first recognize when she was feeling the urge, and then to come up with other activities to do instead.?You can do this with your urges.? Having sexual gratification as your one go to method to cope is causing you distress.? Make a list of other activities that you like and that you can engage in, and when you feel the sexual urge, make yourself do another activity for an hour to get your mind off of it.? It may take a few tries to find an activity that will hold your attention.? A habit that has developed over time is not going to be so easy to break.Please go to a medical doctor and get evaluated as well.? They can do lab work and check your hormone levels.? If needed, medication can help.? After being cleared medically, counseling can help you.? You stated that you have a disability that makes it impossible.? A therapist can help you explore the feelings that you are experiencing due to the inability to have sex.? This is a grief/loss issue in the same way that someone who had lost the ability to walk might be grieving over his mobility.? Something that you used to be able to do, now you cannot.? It is expected that you might have some feelings of anger or sadness about this.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I deal with my son's violent thoughts and dreams? [/INST]  Let me start my stating this is important to take seriously - taking to his PCP, getting a referral to a pediatric specialist, and getting him to a relational psychotherapist would be my first tasks.?I wont label this occurrences as ""normal"" yet it is important to note these things do occur. My first observation is to say that it is a tremendous advantage that your son is communicating what he is experiencing. I'd encourage him to continue to do so, no matter the extent of his thoughts - his trust of you being able the handle his experience is of utmost importance. His containment and sense of security is also dependent on your reaction to what he shares. Seek professional help, communicating your support, including a plan of action, and reassuring him you will figure this out together will help you as you begin.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm experiencing panic attacks when I'm physically separated from my girlfriend [/INST]  Im sorry to hear that you are currently experiencing panic attacks. I hope that the medication you have been prescribed has provided you with some relief. Unfortunately, I dont feel that moving in with your girlfriend would alleviate your anxiety. Although you may feel very anxious about leaving her, your body is reacting to this stressful event in your life in an unhealthy manner. You may be able to render this particular situation but its likely that you may experience another panic attack when an additional stressful event arises.?Therefore, it is essential that you address the reason for why you are experiencing panic attacks in the first place followed by practicing coping mechanisms in the case that one would arise in the future.Talk therapy has shown to be effective with those affected by anxiety along with breathing exercises and yoga. A trained therapist will be able to assist you in finding the right stress reducing method so that you can reduce the chance of another attack occurring.I wish you the best of luck! It sounds like you are very happy in your relationship and I hope you are able to reduce your anxiety so that you are able to enjoy one another. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I see my base doctor without my ID? [/INST]  Do you have any other form of identification? The first place to stop would be the Visitors Center or whichever department issues passes. They are located outside of the gate so you do not need a military ID to enter. If you have another form of identification its possible that they can give you a pass in order to go and obtain a new military ID.?If you do not, you could always ask someone else to sponsor you on (a friend, coworker, etc.) that have military access. Depending on the threat level, they may not need your ID as long as you are with someone that has access. Keep in mind that currently (6/11/15) all military bases are on Bravo which unfortunately means you will need your own ID.Finally, if all else fails, call your doctor and explain your situation. Im sure they would be more than willing to discuss your options.Also, its important to make sure that you report your wallet being stolen if you havent already. Security Forces on base can help you with this and to ensure your ID doesnt get into the wrong hands.?Good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]When should I give up on a relationship? [/INST]  There are plenty of red flags that you have been presented with:Several breakups?Not holding up his end of the bargain regarding workLack of empathy for your miscarriageLying about his involvement with another womanPhysical violence, which is of most concern.?This seems to be a very unhealthy relationship. In my experience, relationships such as these rarely become positive ones. Violence is never okay and regardless of his reasoning (you looking through his phone), it is indefensible. You have to look at these red flags and ask yourself, Is this really someone I want to marry? Is he an asset to my life? I think youll realize he is not.Best of luck to you and please know that you deserve someone who treats you with kindness, dignity and respect. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I cope and rebuild my life after ending an 11 year abusive marriage? [/INST]  I am very sorry to hear of your struggles.  I think that it is normal to struggle to get your feet under you again after a divorce, especially after leaving a relationship that lasted 11 years, so try not to be too hard on yourself.  Take it one day at a time and do the best you can.I notice that you said he left you.  This tells me that you didnt have the strength to leave him on your own despite the fact that you say he was emotionally and mentally abusive and also cheating on you.  Low self-esteem can keep someone in a bad relationship because they think they cant do any better.  Also, abusers will make you think that they are the best thing you can get.  The way I see it, he did you a favor.   You are now free to make your own life whatever you want it to be.?Take this time alone to work on you.  As hurtful as it may be that other people dont want to help you, this is something that you need to do for yourself without feeling like you need someone in your life to take care of you.  Your statement I dont feel like I exist anymore tells me that in addition to low self-esteem, you also dont have a clear sense of identify and rely on the people in your life to help define who you are.  People can and will let you down.  It is important for you to learn to handle disappointment, learn to take care of your own needs, and to gain a stronger sense of self.?Do nice things for yourself every day because you deserve it.  Even if it is just to soak a little longer in a hot bubble bath, do something that makes you feel good.  Find a hobby that you enjoy.  Look in the mirror and tell yourself some positive affirmations daily.  Google positive affirmations to find some that resonate with you.  Such statements might be I am a good person who deserves to be happy or I can do this.  Some relaxation and meditation exercises may help you as well.  There are some free meditation exercises that you can find online by doing a simple Google search.Take this time to focus on you and try not to worry about what everyone else in your life is doing.  When you are a happier, more stable person, the right people will come into your life without you even looking for them.  Good luck with rebuilding your life.  I know it is hard!  Remember to take it one day at a time. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm going through depression right now and my relationship is suffering [/INST]  Hi there. Thank you reaching out for help. It takes a lot of courage for someone that is being abused to reach out for help. I want you to know that I am here to help you in any way that I can.?First and foremost, you did not mention whether or not you had children yourself by this man. Im going to assume there are. So, the most important thing right at this moment is asking yourself, if you and your children are safe? Is the boyfriend currently living in the home or is he coming and going? If he is coming and going or currently living in the home, my suggestion for you to is to pack a bag for you and your children and go somewhere safe (i.e. family members home, friend or a shelter temporarily). I cannot stress this enough. Although, some people tend to minimize their abusers behavior (i.e. they only do it when they are drinking, they only do it when they are mad), its those individuals that find themselves or their children in a serious situation. So, you can never take abuse (physical or mental) lightly because you never know what is going through that persons mind at that particular time. Its always better to be safe than sorry.?Secondly, it will not be safe, helpful or productive to attempt to talk to the abuser about your relationship. Abusers often times try and manipulate you into staying by apologizing or attempting to justify their behaviors. This is the time you would want to go see a magistrate in order to get a protective order for you and your children.Its unfortunate that your significant other was involved with another women causing pregnancy; however, that is no longer your concern. Your concern at this point is keeping yourself and your children safe. I would also suggest counseling for you and your children in order to work through these issues. I hope this was helpful and please stay safe and take care of yourself.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I let go of my dream wedding? [/INST]  It's hard to let go of the dreams you had regarding your wedding and engagement. This was something that you and most women think about for years, so it's understandable to be disappointed. But please be aware that it is rare that any wedding is perfect. You may envy your friends' weddings but more than likely they had a few mishaps of their own and/or it wasn't as perfect as they had planned it either.?However, like you know, the marriage is the most important thing.  How many women are envious that you are in a happy, stable relationship? I assure you that there are plenty.?Try to live in the present considering that dwelling on the past can still not change how you were proposed to or how your wedding day transpired. Focus on what you can control NOW. Perhaps, you can plan an extravagant renewal of your vows or change the look of your ring?I would also be upfront with your husband and explain why you've been short lately. But after that, close that chapter and move on. It sounds like you have a wonderful companion and you certainly don't want to lose this due to a situation that is impossible to change. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I stop grieving my mother’s death? [/INST]  I am sorry that you lost your mother. That is a really hard thing for someone to go through.There is really no set time for grief to be over, but I agree that if it has been three years and you are still crying every day then this is past the time for normal grief.  I do not know how old you are and if you are in school or have a job, but I would imagine that if by now you literally were doing nothing but crying every day all day, someone would have noticed and would have gotten you some help.  For one thing, bills have to be paid.There are typically five stages of grief and they can come in any order.  You can go back to another stage that you previously experienced. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are the stages.?At first, people are usually in denial over the fact that they lose someone or are losing someone.  This may mean that you deny they are ill or deny that they have actually died.Then comes bargaining, in which you may beg God that if you can only have this person back then you will do whatever.?Depression is when the reality has settled in and when we cry and really feel the loss.  It sounds like you are stuck in this phase.Finally, acceptance is when we accept that it has happened and we pick up the pieces of our life and move on.When we lose someone we never forget them.  We may always have certain days that are tough, such as holidays or any special remembrance of your loved one.  But we do get to the place where we accept that death is part of life and that it is inevitable, and that life goes on.A therapist can help you explore the reasons for your extended grief and can help you with coping skills to better deal with it.  One suggestion I have is not to try to run from the sad feelings, dont try to not feel them.  Embrace the feelings.  Let the feelings wash over you and accept them.  Trying not to feel something is not going to help.  Sadness is a part of life and needs to be felt just like happiness does.  Unpleasant feelings are not to be avoided.I am sincerely sorry that you lost your mother and that you have had such a hard time of it for three years now.  You deserve to be happy and to live a full life.  I am sure your mother would not want you being sad for so long.  I wish you all the best as you continue to try to heal from this loss and deal with your grief. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Where does a child go for help? [/INST]  I think it would be wise for you to call a hotline especially designed for children. It's called the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline. The number is 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).?It is completely anonymous and a trained therapist will be able to provide you with guidance, confidentiality, and can also help you make a report of you want.The call is completely free and they are open 24 hours a day / 7 days a week.?I'm glad that you are taking steps to improve your situation. You are a very brave and an intelligent child.?Please remember to call 911 if you are in immediate danger. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I fix my marriage? [/INST]  Chances are, if you really think about it, there were signs that something wasnt quite right in your marriage. You may have passed these things off as being the normal ups and downs of a marriage, but whatever it was (or wasn't), it's obviously bothering your wife. I would say yes, keep trying to fight for your family, at least until you know what the problems are from your wife's perspective and if they're repairable. Ask your wife if shes willing to try to work on the marriage and then see a marriage counselor. Just be sure youre open to hearing what's said and try not to get defensive if she blames you for some things.Even if your wife is adamant about getting a divorce, that doesn't mean youre divorcing your daughter and you should make sure she knows that. Continue to be a part of her life. And although it may be difficult, if a divorce does happen, try to be as amicable as possible with your wife so your daughter isn't further impacted by this new family dynamic. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I find happiness after my boyfriend passed away? [/INST]  I am so sorry to hear of your boyfriend's passing. Grief is something that can take a long time to recover from. Have you considered speaking with a grief counselor? Being able to speak with someone that specializes in grief would be very beneficial.?Do not get down on yourself for not recovering quickly. This is one of the hardest aspects to deal with in life but eventually you will be able to move forward.?In the mean time, immerse yourself with positivity (i.e. Good friends, hobbies, exercise) and try to schedule a time with a counselor.?Perhaps there will be a support group you could also join. Oftentimes, it is comforting to meet others who share the same experience as you.Good luck to you. I hope you will find peace and comfort soon. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I remember and deal with things I did as a kid? [/INST]  I'm very sorry to hear this. Hypnosis can be a valuable tool that a trained therapist can use to bring back suppressed memories. However, keep in mind that hypnosis doesn't work for everyone.?I think regardless, speaking with a therapist about your sexual issues would be beneficial. It seems like you have experienced some painful experiences in the past and may need help dealing with them in order to move forward.?In addition, if past memories do resurface a trained therapist will be able to help you cope with them as they arise.?I wish you the best of luck and I hope you receive the treatment that you deserve. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I choose between two guys? [/INST]  Hi there. Wow, this sounds like a sticky situation; however, Im here to help guide you through this decision.?First and foremost, you must ask yourself, if you ever loved your sons father or was it a situation to where you two got pregnant and stayed together for the child. Its very common to stay with your partner when a child is involved regardless, if love is involved or not because its the right thing to do. Right? Well, not entirely.  Although, staying with your partner because you have a child together may seem right, in fact, it hurts the child in the long run. If you are not love with your partner, you will show distance, unhappiness, sadness, possibility of frequent arguments and cheating.  When a child grows up in the home and witnesses these types of emotions & behaviors it is unhealthy as he/she will expect their own relationships to be such. As a responsible adult, you are supposed to be there to shape and model the future for your child. Just remember, what you do, your child will model.?Secondly, do not sell yourself short from love. Everyone deserves to be happy and to have someone to share their love and intimacy with. However, being in love with someone you have never seen before can be very risky. Honestly, that sounds like lust and the longing of love.  Humans have needs and when people are unhappy in their current relationship, they often seek out what they need.  If you decide to pursue the second relationship, I would suggest setting up an outing with a friend or two in order to get to know this person as there are a lot of scammers these days.?Finally, I am not convinced that this has anything to do with choosing between two guys.  This seems as if you are making a decision to end the relationship with your childs father or not. You should ask yourself, if you were in love with your childs father first off. If you were, you would have never sought after love.  I hope this was helpful for you and I hope I was able to shed a different light on your situation. Take care of yourself! </s>"
"<s>[INST]What should I do if my boyfriend can't get over my past? [/INST]  I am sorry to hear of your relationship struggles.?One thing I wonder is did you volunteer the information about your past or is this something that he asked about?  In the future, it is probably best to leave details out of conversations like this.  I think it is common and natural for partners to ask about the sexual history.  For one thing, it is a good idea to be checked for STDs before entering into a sexual relationship with someone, and it is fair to share that information with each other.  Partners usually want to know how many you have been with and what kind of sexual preferences you have or if there is anything you dont like to do.  This gets into a gray area for some people.  I dont necessarily want to know how many people my partner has been with and I certainly dont want a whole lot of details.  Sometimes that is an image I just dont want in my head about my partner.  Vague details are usually enough.However, I understand that your partner has the details and is not happy with your past.  This is a reflection on him, not you.  This shows insecurities on his part.  You cannot control how he will react to information that you provide to him and you cannot control how he feels about the information.  The past should remain in the past and not be held against you in the present or future.   If he cannot handle your past then it is going to cloud your relationship.  You can offer couples counseling to him and see if he will go with you.  I have seen relationships recover from some very serious problems such as infidelity.  It takes two people who both want it to work to make it work though.?If your boyfriend cannot get over your past, you may have to let him go.  Dont keep yourself tied to someone who is not right for you.  Constantly holding your past over your head and holding that against you is only going to bring you down and eventually you may start having insecurities or low self-esteem due to this type of treatment. I dont see that you have done anything wrong.  If you arent cheating on him now and you answered his questions about your past honestly, how he handles that information is on him.  Ultimately, relationships have a tendency to come and go. Dont fight to hold onto someone who is not right for you.  It is okay to be single and enjoy being the best you that you can be.  In time, the right person for you will enter your life. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I feel like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me [/INST]  I'm sorry you are feeling uncared for. I'm sure there are plenty of people that care and love for you that you are not taking into consideration. Sometimes when we get upset we may think irrationally and see the world as all or nothing. However, take a deep breath, relax and start focusing on the positive relationships you have with others, regardless of how small or insignificant they may seem. I think you will quickly realize there are people out there that care a great deal about you.I also think it would help for you to surround yourself among people who you can identify with and share common interests with. Maybe you can attend a religious service, join an interest group (i.e. reading club, sports group, etc.) or start a group of your own. Most importantly, you need to tap into your interests and surround yourself with things that are beneficial for your own mental and physical health. From this, relationships will start to immerse.?You may also like to talk with a therapist regarding your feelings of being unloved. This is an unhealthy way to think of yourself and I think with a little help, you can see that you are more than deserving of a great relationship.?Thanks for reaching out and I wish you the best of luck moving forward. ? </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I stop my step child from hurting my biological child? [/INST]  I can see why you are alarmed. That is a scary situation for a parent. Do you know if the child has been evaluated by a mental health professional? Early treatment is often the key. A professional will be able to help the child learn how to control their anger and mend the troublesome actions into more appropriate responses.?Have you addressed your concerns with the child's other parent? There could be contributing factors in his life that could be causing these issues (exposure to violence, sexual/physical abuse, drug use, stressful events in his life, etc.). It is important that these factors are identified so that they can either be eliminated and/or reduced.?I wouldn't hesitate to have him evaluated (if he hasn't been already) and to ensure that he is getting the help that he needs whether it be medication and/or therapy. Until then, I would make sure that he is always supervised under an adult's care. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I deal with a weird fetish I'm afraid of opening up about? [/INST]  This is difficult to answer because you dont tell us what the fetish is.? I do understand that this is something that is bothering you though.?The first thing to ask yourself is if this is something that is illegal or not.? If this is illegal to engage in, then you need to seek counseling help immediately to control the urges.However, if your fetish is not something illegal and you just feel that it is something odd, a therapist could still help you deal with these feelings.? You may find that it is something very common and not something to be ashamed of.? You may find other people have the same interest as you.? Find a therapist that you can trust and tell them.? Dont hold back with your therapist.? Trust me, they have heard and seen it all by now, and they can help you either stop the behavior that is causing you distress, or help you come to terms with accepting the behavior as part of who you are.? There is no need to suffer with this alone.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]What can I do if my coworkers accuse me of mood swings? [/INST]  I cant give you legal advice, but employers can suggest you see someone if your behavior is affecting your job. I believe most government agencies have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) where employees can talk to a therapist about any issue, not just work-related, for free (up to a certain amount of sessions).Im wondering, though,?why your coworkers would tell your boss this if its not true. Is it possible that you're not aware of how your interactions are affecting others? Maybe this?forced counseling can be an opportunity for some introspection on your part. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I deal with depression? [/INST]  First of all, if youre sick and in pain, have you seen your doctor? If you have a chronic illness and pain, this can often lead to depression and is very common. Youve taken the first step to dealing with it. You can talk to your doctor, even if your depression isnt related to your health. He or she can either look at prescribing you an antidepressant or can refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist.If thats not really an option for you, there are?also helplines (local or national) or support groups where people dealing with?similar issues?can talk to each other. If you can't find any in your area (newspapers usually publish this information), there are?online support groups as well.? </s>"
<s>[INST]What can I do if my parents refuse to acknowledge my anxiety and self-confidence issues? [/INST]  I'm sorry to hear that you are unable to get through to your parents. It sounds like you are experiencing a great deal of anxiety that needs to be addressed by a professional (despite the fact that you are unable to at the moment). I would recommend talking with another adult such as a  school counselor that can offer you support in this area. Perhaps they can work with you on your anxiety issues and schedule a meeting with your parents so that he/she may help mediate the conversation with them.If you are unable to reach out to a school counselor maybe you can try a member of the family such as an aunt or an uncle that feels comfortable addressing the issue with your parents. Sometimes it helps hearing it from a third party before the situations is taken seriously enough.Good luck! </s>
"<s>[INST]How do I overcome being jealous of my boyfriends mother? [/INST]  Try to think of his close relationship with his mother in a good way. It means that they have a positive family structure which can transfer down to your own family if you have one together in the future.?Despite your boyfriend having a good relationship with his mother, it will never be equal to the relationship that you have with him. A love for a mother is a very different love than one with a girlfriend or wife. There are certain things that he may look towards his mother for and certain things that he may look toward you for.?So, instead of comparing your relationship with him to the one he has with his mother, try viewing them as two separate entities. She can not replace you, and you cannot replace her. However, all together, you can have a positive, healthy family dynamic. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Any suggestions for erection problems? [/INST]  Hi there, first off I have to commend you for reaching out. It takes a lot for a man to reach out for help when it comes to erection problems. Believe it or not, this problem is very common for men and women.?There are some things that you can try naturally, before resulting in medication, such as your eating habits and exercise. I would suggest taking a look at what you are consuming throughout the day. Do you consume a healthy diet and do you exercise regularly? How much caffeine and sugar do you intake daily?  These are just a few common things to look at. You would be surprised of how much pressure what we consume puts on our bodies. Our bodies are like a car. You have to maintenance it, in order for it to continue to run.?If you would like to get further natural advice and/or suggestions on eating healthy and exercising, I would recommend you see a nutritionist. A nutritionist specializes in maintaining a healthy diet. As far as your Doctor, I would recommend looking into getting another Doctor. I have never heard of a medical professional not wanting to talk about anything. That appears to be a personal issue on their part. I hope I was helpful and I wish you the best of luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I move on from my husband's cheating? [/INST]  How has your husband acted since then? Was he regretful? How did you find out? Did he confess? These are all things that you want to consider. Betrayal is very hard to get over so if it's taking you awhile to get over, know that this is normal.Hopefully you're husband has been very regretful and upfront and honest with you since this happened. It may take awhile to reestablish your trust with him and he should understand this.?It's also very important to discuss WHY he cheated. You want to make sure that the reasoning behind this was not something that could arise again in the future. And if it can, there needs to be an action plan in place (i.e. being honest with how he's feeling) so that you both get a chance to rectify the situation.If the cheating has happened more than once, you may want to reevaluate your reasoning for staying in the marriage. It would be obvious that he did not truly regret what he had done or else he wouldn't repeat the same mistake. However, if it was a single event and he has shown you and continuously shows you that he genuinely loves you and is sorry for his mistake, I would give it a try. People do make mistakes and sometimes it takes an event like this to realize what you have.Know that it takes time and that you have the right to feel what you feel. If the relationship was a good, healthy relationship, it is worth saving. Ease back into it and be upfront with your feelings. In return, your husband should be patient and understanding of this.?Also, marriage counselors are often a good go-to as they have a great deal of experience working with marriages in similar situations.?Best of luck to you! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Why do I keep getting with men that emotionally abuse me? [/INST]  I want to applaud you for taking this first step towards realizing that this is an issue and wanting to do something about it.? You are already on the road to a happier life with this realization.? A lot of women do not recognize that it may be something about them that continues to attract a man like this and will only blame it on the men for treating them that way.? Until you realize there is a problem you wont start looking for a solution.Dont misunderstand me!? The abuse is not your fault! You are seeing a pattern, though, so this does need to be addressed.?First, go and buy the book Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine.? Read it.? This book describes many situations that are similar to yours, describes how a person came to be that way, and how to stop it.? You will have to learn to set good boundaries in your life and to maintain them.Be single for a while.? Stay single until you feel like a whole, healthy, happy person on your own.? Often we get in a relationship because of a need.? If you feel like you need a person in your life to make you a whole person then you are in a relationship for the wrong reasons.? The first step is to work on whatever it is in you that makes you feel like you need another person in your life.? Identify those needs and then learn to fulfill them on your own.I was doing a couples therapy session and the husband was being emotionally abusive to the wife.? This was a recurrent theme for her, like you are saying it is for you.? However, she had been doing a lot of work on her own and in private therapy, and this was a new relationship.? Obviously she still had not gotten it right because she did once again attract a man with these tendencies.? The difference this time was that she had done a lot of work on herself and had become a stronger person.? When she looked at him in our session and said to him I dont need you. I want you.? But not if you are going to continue to act like this.? So you leave the house and dont come back until you are ready to make some changes.? She stuck to that, too.? He didnt leave for two more days because he kept telling her he would do different and begging to be allowed to stay.? She had drawn a boundary and stuck to it, and he left. She was fully prepared to be single again.? They actually did end up working things out in the end.You cant let someone stay and continue to treat you badly.? Sure, a marriage takes work and compromise on both sides.? Couples therapy can help you both learn to communicate in a healthier way with each other and can help you realize what areas in the relationship need work.? You may not realize how some of the things you say to him comes across, and he may not realize how what he says does to you.? A therapist can help you with this so that you both learn how your words can hurt. But you need to know your boundaries and be prepared to stick to them and not compromise your boundaries.? That means following through on the threat to leave when he continues to abuse you.? Someone cant do that if they are too scared to be alone.? If they feel they need the other person in their life.?These patterns are developed in early childhood from what we learn from our parents.? When someone has grown up in a dysfunctional family, it is all they know.? Even when you can say that you realize it is a problem, you still dont know how to stop it because you never learned any other way of interacting with people.? Something that took a lifetime to learn will take time and work to overcome.? Be patient with yourself and find a good therapist.? You cant change your partner.? Work on you, and when you begin to heal and feel healthy, the right people will come into your life and stay.? The more you focus on trying to change the wrong ones to be what you want the more frustrated you will become. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I determine if I should be a boy or girl? [/INST]  I understand that gender and/or sexual identity crises can be very difficult to navigate, although in todays time I think we have made a lot of progress and it is becoming easier for individuals to find themselves and also find acceptance from society.I am unsure how old you are.  If you are a child or teenager, this is a normal time to have identity questions and to be in a phase where you are trying to figure out who you are and what you want out of life.  I hope that you have understanding and supportive friends and family that you can talk to and who will support you in how you feel and what you may decide to do.  A lot of people, unfortunately, do not, and if this is the case then it makes it harder for you.  Because then you may not feel safe exploring these feelings and decisions.I urge you not to try to make any permanent changes for quite some time.  By this I mean a sex change.  Anything permanent like surgery or hormone replacement to change your actual gender is something that does not need to be done lightly.  Please find a therapist that can help you explore your feelings and your identity crisis.  Of course there are things that you can do that are not permanent changes.  Many people decide to dress like their gender of choice.  Maybe experimenting in this way is something that you could do.See if you have a local chapter of PFLAG in your area. PFLAG stands for Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.  They are able to help not only with those who identify as lesbian or gay, but also transgendered and asexual.?I wish you all the best in your identity crisis.  It would be very easy for you to sink into depression if you do not have good support and understanding from those around you during this time.  Find a professional that can help, especially if you experience depression or any thoughts of harming yourself. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I get over anxiety, depression, and isolation? [/INST]  The best way to handle depression and anxiety is with a combination of appropriate medication given to you by a medical doctor, and therapy to help you understand the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are causing the depression and anxiety in the first place and then to replace these with more positive thoughts and behaviors.  This is not something that anyone should just white knuckle and try to get through on their own with no help.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a technique that has been proven helpful for depression and anxiety.  This takes a therapist trained in CBT.?There are some things in life that you cannot change and must learn to accept.  A lot of people spend time trying to change things that they have no control over.  This may be the behavior of someone else in your life or it could be a situation that you cannot change, such as the recent death of a loved one, a lost relationship, or an accident or illness which has left you handicapped.  In cases like this, what can change is your attitude and thoughts about the situation that you now find yourself in.  One thing that is inevitable about life is that stuff happens and it is not always pleasant. Some people take these unpleasant occurrences very hard and it throws them into a deep depression.  Other people seem to be able to handle lifes ups and downs and bounce back.  They do this with having positive coping skills in their life.  Learning new coping skills is something your therapist can help you with.A lot of people are so focused on trying to change the things in their life that they cannot change and are ignoring the things that they can change.  There are things that you can do.  Here is a quote for you to consider.  You are getting almost everything that you are getting based on the choices that you have made.  You will continue to get the same thing out of life until you make some changes.  Another quote I like is You will find a way or you will find an excuse.  Dont ever say that you have no choice.  Everyone has a choice.  You might not particularly like any of the choices that you are facing, but you do have choices.  Not happy in a relationship?  You can leave it.  Hate your job?  Get a new one.  If it matters to you, you will find a way.  Dont sit there complaining about everything but not doing anything different or better.Take care of yourself.  Exercise is very important not only for your physical health, but for your mental health as well.  Eating right and exercising will help you feel better about yourself.  Also, find a meditation that works for you.  There are progressive muscle relaxation exercises, visual and mental meditations, and many many more.  Start making some positive changes in your life today!  You can do it! </s>"
"<s>[INST]What do I do about a cousin who makes me feel belittled, insecure and frustrated? [/INST]  Do you have a close friend or relative who's opinion you trust? Ask them for their honest feedback and if they see you like your cousin does. If they dont see these qualities in you, then it may be your cousins issue and shes taking it out on you. You can always ask her what would be the best way to communicate plans with her so you know, specifically, what she is expecting. Then if you meet these expectations and she still blames you and comments on how inconsiderate you are, it's her issue and she is not coming from a place of love.Even if you do resemble her comments, the way it sounds like she approaches this problem is not out of love. The fact that you're introspective enough to consider your own behavior suggests the problem is not with you.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]I have a son with my girlfriend, but she is emotionally abusive. What do I do? [/INST]  It sounds like you are in a tough situation. You have to ask yourself why you don't want to leave her. Is it because of the child? Or is it because you want the relationship to work? You must consider that being in an abusive relationship is not healthy for you or your child. So if the abuse continues, it would be more beneficial for you and your child to move out.On the other hand, if you are just wanting the relationship to work out despite its current state, you need to evaluate whether the relationship is worth salvaging. It seems as though you are very unhappy and undervalued in this relationship. Although your question revealed just a short bit of information, I didn't read about any positives in the relationship.?Sometimes it's extremely hard to leave a relationship even though you know that the relationship itself is harmful for you. However, with time and focus you can do it. Each day will get a little easier and you have to trust yourself that you are making the right situation for you and your child.However, if you really feel that you want to stay in the relationship, you have to be upfront with her. You need to tell her exactly how you feel and give her specific examples of how she is hurting you. This gives her a chance to render the situation. If after this there is no improvement, I suggest that you start reconsidering your decision to stay.I also think it would be valuable for you to start engaging in things outside of the home that make you happy. Are there any hobbies you enjoy? Are there any groups in the area that you can join such as playgroups that will allow you to engage with other parents? Start looking into these options and finding an avenue for you to do something for your own benefit.It is certainly not healthy for you to isolate yourself from friends and family. You need to have additional support networks besides the one with your girlfriend, especially since this has not been a healthy environment lately.Thank you for reaching out. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship. </s>"
"<s>[INST]What can I do to help my dad stop drinking? [/INST]  More information would be needed for me to accurately answer this question, such as your age, whether you live with your dad or not, and what other family members live in the household.?Something like this, alcoholism, is a whole family disease.  In other words, family members often unknowingly contribute to the alcoholism and enable the alcoholic to continue the destructive behavior.First of all, you cant make your dad do anything, and constantly nagging him or begging him to stop is just going to make him defensive and make this worse.  Nobody can change another person.  What you can do is change how you react to him and the things that you and other family members do for him.?Research codependency.  Theres a great book called Codependent No More.  There are a lot of articles on the internet that you can read.  In short, you have to stop enabling him.  Like I said, you cannot control him, but you can control yourself.  This means do not buy his alcohol.  Do not make it easy for him to get.  Dont loan him the car keys or pay any household bills for him.  Dont call in sick to work for him or make excuses for him in any way.  Do not bail him out of jail when he gets arrested. He needs to be responsible for himself. This may mean losing his job or losing his drivers license. This may mean that he loses his family if he doesnt stop.?What you and your family can do is set boundaries about what you will put up with.  It is his choice to drink, but it is your choice to put up with the behaviors of his drinking.  A lot of people go into rehab because their spouse said if they dont then they are getting a divorce.If you are an adult and you dont live with your dad, then the best thing you can do for him is STOP doing things for him.  If you are a child who lives at home with him, then this could be a case for child protective services. In my state this is called DHS.  A report is made to this organization for child abuse or neglect.  Substance abuse in the home qualifies.  Of course, alcohol is legal and when consumed in moderation, there is no problems.  The problem will be the result of his alcohol consumption.  Does he drive with children in the car while intoxicated?  Is he left to care for minors while in an intoxicated state?  Are there any domestic violence issues due to his drinking?  This could be a reason for the authorities to step in.?You can look for a local meeting for family members of alcoholics.  They are similar to the AA meetings that an alcoholic should go to, but are for the family members.  They can help you.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]My son and family has different views about religion. How do I resolve these differences? [/INST]  I think the best thing you can do is be respectful of each family member's wishes. Although everyone may not agree with one another, the most important thing you can do for each other is to respect their faith and beliefs instead of trying to sway them in a certain direction.?There are many families that are united despite their differences. For example, a mother may be Catholic and the father Jewish. By introducing the children to each faith until they are ready to decide for themselves can be beneficial.?Also, it's not uncommon for views to change as one ages or faces different life experiences. So don't get too discouraged if your child wants to explore different avenues.?Creating a loving and accepting environment is most essential.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I get over a slump? [/INST]  I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling as if you're in a slump. First of all, nothing is wrong with you. Many people report similar symptoms. Have you ever talked with a physician regarding your symptoms? Two extreme emotions such as feeling extremely happy and then feeling extremely low for a length of time may indicate a mood disorder. I think it would be best to talk with your doctor or a therapist to help pinpoint the issue causing them.It's possible that it could just be certain stressors in your life that are causing the two extremities but you definitely want to rule out any mental health issues. If it is in fact mental health related there are many medications or therapy choices that can help.?Thanks for reaching out! I hope that you will feel back on track soon! </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I approach my doctor about seeing a therapist? [/INST]  Thanks for your question. I'm glad you realize that you need extra support and are being proactive. Simply explain to your doctor the feelings you have been experiencing and how you feel that speaking with a mental health therapist would be beneficial. However,  keep in mind that you do not have to go into detail about your personal feelings. You can simply state that you are feeling down, overwhelmed, stressed, or whatever it may be.?I'm sure your doctor will be glad to direct you from there.?Best of luck you you! I hope that you will be feeling better soon!? </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I slow down and enjoy life? [/INST]  Thank you for reaching out! That is a great question! As an American, I can truly say that I spend way too much time on the go! It is a proven fact that Americans live in a fast paced environment compared to Europe! I often ask myself, what if I only had one day left on this Earth? What would I do? Well, that is an easy question. I would spend it with my family! Easier said than done when we are living in a tomorrow kind of World, right? Its hard to focus on the now when we are so consumed in what tomorrow shall bring.Time management is a very important factor when learning to ""live life to the fullest""! In fact, this is a required course in undergraduate college now. Everyone manages their time differently and it is up to you to decide how you would like to do this. Personally, for myself I like to keep a calendar with a to-do list. I always place my most important tasks at the top of the list. That way, if I do not get through the list, I am not stressing over the little things. When planning your day, it is important you schedule work, eat and play. A much as it is hard not to work after getting off work, it must be done. There is discipline involved in this process. If you have trouble with this, then maybe seeking out some accountability such as including a coworker to make sure you do not bring work home once your shift is over or your spouse/partner reminding you that this is a time for play and not work.These are just some ideas that I am throwing out there. Again, everyone has their own style on time management. I hope this was helpful for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out for anything further! </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I approach my doctor about seeing a therapist? [/INST]  Having this kind of conversation with a doctor can feel difficult.  But remember, you are the expert on you.  Any good medical professional will recognize that.You are absolutely right to think about the importance of being your own health care advocate.  Generally, the best approach is simply to be honest.  Let your doctor know what you are concerned about and tell your doctor what you think might help.  If there is a specific issue that youd like to address in counseling, let you doctor know about it.  And dont hesitate to directly ask for a referral.I know this may all feel a little overwhelming.  It might help to bring a family member or significant-other with you to provide support when you talk to your doctor.  Its great that youve already taken this first step to reach out.  Youre on the right track. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I get depressed whenever anyone I care about is too busy to be with me. What do I do? [/INST]  Frequently when working with clients, I utilize the A-B-C model developed by Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Theory. The theory basically states that you can not control an event but you can control your reaction to the emotions associated with said event. For instance here is an example:A (Action or Event): You need to talk to someone and that person is not calling you back.B (Behavior or Response): You begin to tell yourself that this person is too busy for me or I am not important to this person.C (Consequence): You feel depressed.If you look at the model, B has a direct effect on C. The thought is if you change your reaction to A, then C will have a better consequence, such as:A: stays the same.B (this is what you change): This person must be busy, they will call me back when they get a chance or I can call someone else to lean on for support until this person is available.C: Decreased feelings of depression & overall functioning improves.This is just an example but if you actively work to replace the negative thought patterns that effect your behavior, studies show that your overall outlook and mood will improve. If this model resonates with you, I recommend ""Feeling better, getting better, staying better"" by Alber Ellis. In addition, looking for support groups in your area are a great source of support when you are feeling abandoned or alone. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I start talking again after a fight? [/INST]  In any relationship, it is important to be able to say ""I'm sorry"" because it shows vulnerability and openness. I recommend that you sit and have a discussion with him now that you are calm about why you were upset and how you would like to handle such incidents in the future. If you find yourself becoming upset again, I encourage you to take a 20 minute break and then come back to the conversation once you are no longer heated. Studies show that talking or discussing arguments are more effective once you have cooled down and you are more likely to hear/understand what your partner is trying to convey. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I get out of an abusive relationship? [/INST]  That sounds like a very hurtful situation. Unfortunately, without a batterers intervention course or a desire to change, the abuse cycle is unlikely to stop. I do not recommend that you try to leave on your own due that being the most dangerous time when in an abusive relationship. As an abuser, his goal is to control you whether it's through mental or verbal means. I recommend that you contact a domestic violence shelter in your area. I have worked closely with Harbor House of Central Florida and know they provide housing, transportation, and any other needed resources to women leaving an abusive relationship. There is help out there and you are not alone. If you need any additional resources in your area, please don't hesitate to contact me.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm in love with a sex offender, but my family doesn't accept him [/INST]  Thank you for your question. Trust is a huge thing in relationships and when that is broken, or perceived as being broken, it takes a long time to repair. From what you shared, it sounds like your boyfriend took steps to correct the situation and has shown to be trustworthy since. Unfortunately, no matter how much we apologize for something we did or for something others perceive we did, there will always be those with hardened hearts and will not forgive. If you feel confident in your relationship, then trust your inner wisdom. We cannot control others but only ourselves. Respect your families wishes to remain in unforgiveness while at the same time, ask them to respect your wish to believe in him and be in this relationship. Good luck to you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I weigh over 220 pounds and I am 16 years old [/INST]  Hey! ?I am so impressed with your efforts to ask questions, to figure out how to change the messages that you hear (and say to yourself), and to get support! ?And it sounds like you want to make some changes in your life! ?Take a walk over to the counseling office at school, the school nurse or consider reaching out to your Pediatricians office. You dont have to have your parents permission to seek support for yourself! ?And maybe taking control of your support network will give you the strength to make even bigger decisions about your health! ?I am rooting for you! ?Be Wise! </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm a 19 year old male with low self esteem. I've always been very closed off about my feelings and problems. [/INST]  Hey! ?It takes a lot of courage to share your feelings with someone! ?And it sounds like you have been lucky to meet someone who makes you feel safe enough to explore some of your more painful feelings. ?A big part of the process, however, of strengthening your self-concept is learning how to tell yourself those positive messages that you heard from your friend! ?Leaving for college may also be contributing to your feelings of unsteadiness. ?Try this - Make a list of all of the positive things that you know are true about yourself. ?Ask your friends and family to contribute to the list. ?Then carry it with you in your wallet - and when you need a self-esteem boost, take a look at it! ?You are in a season of life that presents lots of challenges and opportunities. ?Reach out to your long-distance friend when you need support - and take a walk over to the campus counseling center and check out what they might have to offer. ?Be Wise! </s>"
"<s>[INST]I lied to my mom, then felt bad and told her the truth [/INST]  Hey!  Sounds like the part of you that knows the RIGHT thing to do won here!  I am so proud of you for admitting that you lied to your Mom!  Sometimes lies come out of our mouths before we can even catch them because we are trying to say what the other person wants to hear.  I bet that, as you begin to show her that you are not going to lie any more, she will begin to gain trust in you again!  Be open with your feelings with you Mom - she is there to support you, guide you and love you!  Give her lots of hugs - and give yourself one too for being so brave!  Be Wise! </s>"
"<s>[INST]I tell my husband I love him. But I don't believe it or feel it. [/INST]  Sustaining passion in marriage is tough stuff. It's a relatively modern dilemma you are facing with perhaps unrealistic expectations of what marriage ""should"" be. It sounds like your definitions of love and sexual passion have merged together, that's both common and confusing! Intimacy and sexuality within your marriage are bound to ebb and flow. Resparking your passion will involve growing. Using your sexual drama and fantasies as windows into discovering your needs (security) and wants (desires). Marriage is a people growing process; you mature into one another and to achieve fulfillment your continued development will be required.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do couples keep from being at risk for divorce? [/INST]  The Gottmans have been studying relationships in their ""love lab""?for over 4 decades and what they've found is pretty awesome. There are 4 things that,?when added together and built up over time, predict divorce: criticism, defensiveness, contempt & stonewalling. These behaviors?lead towards emotional disengagement over time and will?eat away at your positive feelings towards one another. The awesome news is that they've also identified antidotes; gentle start ups, taking responsibility, discussing your feelings and needs (not to be confused with what you need from your partner) and self soothing. No couple can ever truly eliminate saying/doing the wrong thing, that's ok though because sustaining your marriage isn't about always getting it right, it's about knowing/learning how to repair when your get it wrong.?To learn more, pick up a copy of Gottman's ""The?7 Principals For Making Marriage Work"" or seek out a Gottman trained couples therapist.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]My wife and I have been married for over 3 years and we're tired of having sex [/INST]  To begin with, what's normal for one couple isn't going to be normal for the next, every couple has their own normal and that's important to keep in mind. Your sexual lives will ebb and flow. What I'd be more curious about is the quality rather than the quantity of the sex you are having. I'd also want you both to refocus on building up your little daily moments of connection, I wrote a post about exactly that a while back and you can find it here.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]I feel like my friends are ganging up on me [/INST]  Conflict is a tricky beast and shows up in every?one of our relationships.?What I'm reading is that you find yourself in a loop of ?seeking validation of your thoughts and feelings from your friends rather than validating yourself. Am I right? If you aren't validating yourself, no one else will be able to either. ?Try finding a small nugget of truth in the feedback your friends give you, this will help to lower your defenses and help your friends hear what you are really sharing. ?And then if you are still feeling vulnerable, share that too...? </s>"
"<s>[INST]I had a baby about 2 months ago and I really haven't been feeling myself [/INST]  Probably. ?I always tell the new parents I work with (and this is just as true for dads as it is for moms) that if you are feeling off, seek help. ?Postpartum Support International (www.postpartum.net) is a great place to start finding resources and locating support.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]I had an affair almost two decades ago. Recently found out it resulted in a child [/INST]  If your wife is willing, seek out a qualified couples therapist! Look for one trained in the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy. Your relationship is repairable, but you may need some qualified support in the process.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm having a lot of conflict in my relationship [/INST]  Being able to accept your partner's influence is a key relationship skill. And it's very two sided. ?Chances are if you don't feel your partner is being influenced by you, they likely don't feel you are being influenced by them either. The best fix you can practice is to soften yourself into your partner and see how much more open you can be to their influence. ?Play with it.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I cope with losing my mom? [/INST]  First, I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. The grief of losing a parent can be very difficult to work through. When you lose someone you love, you are forever changed. The goal of working through any loss is to reach a ""new normal."" Though you will never forget your mom, the grief processing is about learning to live in a different way, without her physical presence. One of the best things you can do is find a good support system. You need to talk about your loss, and talk about it a lot. Talking helps work through your emotions and reach a place of healing. Find friends you trust who can support you or find a good grief support group. They are hugely beneficial since the group will understand exactly how you feel. If you find you are still struggling, a good grief counselor will also help. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I cope with ""never being good enough?"" [/INST]  Hello, and let me say first, what a great question!?There are so many people putting forth their 100% everyday and often times, do not get the credit they deserve. Without being able to fully understand where you're question is coming from, I think there are a couple of different ways to look at this question.First, I think it's important for us to consider the message being sent by those in your life stating that you're ""not good enough."" Is that ACTUALLY what they said, or is this just what you heard? Sometimes, because of our own self-doubts and fears, we skew and misinterpret the messages we receive from others. Again, listen to the message being sent and attempt to remain objective. Is the message being sent coming from a place of love or concern? If so, have an honest and open communication with that individual about what your concerns are regarding the amount of energy and time you're spending on being ""good enough."" Explore with them how you feel you'r already giving your best.If the person is unwilling to work at understanding this concern you have, then it may be time to explore the relationship. Some relationships we engage in can be toxic, especially if the other person is toxic. It may be they have their own ""stuff"" going on and they feel the need to constantly put others down to make themselves feel better. If you're in the direct path of this individual, then it serves to reason you will probably be in the direct fire, as well. Explore whether or not you want this relationship to continue in your life. If it's a relationship that MUST continue, then work on what you will do to distance yourself from their toxicity or their problems. Until they're willing to work on these issues for themselves, then it may be necessary to find an exit strategy, such as leaving the room or simply refusing to engage in the conversation.?Another perspective of this question is exploring the reason why it's important for YOU to satisfy the expectations of these other individuals? NO ONE will ever be 100% ""good enough"" for EVERYONE. Every single person has their own set of expectations in themselves and expectations in others. It would be impossible to satisfy all of those expectations for every single person in our lives.?The question becomes, what is it WITHIN you that feels the need to meet these expectations? There is most likely a part of you, yourself, as an individual that feels ""less than"" and feels as if you, yourself, are not good enough. It then becomes impossible to every feel ""good enough"" for others, because it's really YOU you're trying to feel good enough for. If you already feel as if you're doing everything you can do to be at your best version of yourself, then really work on LETTING GO of the rest. No one is perfect, and striving for perfection in our lives only creates more anxiety and stress. Find a middle ground in which you are happy with your accomplishments and your daily goals, and learn to let go of what's left. After all, tomorrow is a new day and you can work on more of your goals tomorrow!I recommend doing this by finding a mantra, a statement or phrase you can repeat to yourself anytime you start to feel that sense of stress and pressure from striving for perfection. The mantra can remind you to let go of this expectation you have for yourself or that others have for you so you can also let go of the stress and anxiety surrounding the expectation.?I leave you with one of my favorite quotes that perhaps you can use as your mantra, ""No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. "" - Eleanor Roosevelt.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]I have been in a relationship for a year and 7 months these few weeks have been bad [/INST]  I'm willing to bet that this isn't what you are hoping to hear, but I'd suggest giving him space. Ooph, that's a tough one, right?! I know. But here's the thing, when you keep trying to process and talk it out with him you keep pushing him away. He needs to feel like a solid and whole person (as you do too) to be able to be fully in your relationship. It's the work of being in relationship to learn this. I get that this is tough stuff. I wonder, outside of being with him, how do you soothe and calm yourself? That's the stuff for you to tune into and focus on right now. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do you deal with mental illness (depression, anxiety) in a relationship? [/INST]  Great Question! Anxiety and depression are part of the?lenses from which you and partner see your world and relationship. Understanding your own and one another's triggers are the key to building a?successful relationship. My colleague and?co-host for this Friday's free?relationship Q&A webinar, Robyn D'Angelo, talks about loving your anxious partner in this brief vlog,?loving your anxious partner?and also was featured on a wonderful podcast about making anxiety into your relationship superpower here. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I break an unhealthy relationship pattern? [/INST]  You may be interested in reading my most recent post, Intimacy Begins With You. In it I offer 7 expert tips to help you get started on a path of self connection and discovery. This is important stuff to do in order to work through that stuff that's holding you back from the relationships you desire. You may find that it's especially helpful to do this work with the alliance of a skilled individual therapist.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]I want to get back with my kid's mother and be a family again [/INST]  How you you expressed your regret and taken responsibility for the pain thus far? Repair is a very essential skill in and part of developing healthy relationships. Your love sounds deep, sit with that. Also sit with how she's been hurt. You get to feel your hurt too and your kids. In feeling all this you may also find our way to the repair. If feeling all this is tough to take on, seek out a local therapist to support your process.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do balance attention between my girlfriend and my dogs? [/INST]  Hey, dogs are cool. They adore pleasing humans and often LOVE to work on learning what you want and expect from them.?Your girlfriend on the other hand, likely has her own desires and needs that she attend to before tuning into yours. You are good with dogs, that tells me that you've spent some time observing their behavior. The first step in working through this issue would be similar, start to tune into and observe your girlfriend more often... Observation is a skill when it comes to relationship building. The skills you have mastered in relating with your dogs can carry over, you will just have to relearn what behaviors you are watching. And keep in mind that also means observing yourself in relationships.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]I recently lied to my fiancé about my past [/INST]  Well let's start with the awesome realization you've already had, you want to notice that you have triggers. That's huge. Really.?I find that when people lie, it's most often as a defense mechanism. Which is likely a flag that something doesn't feel safe. What exactly doesn't feel safe could be lots of different things but the key to notice is that it's that feeling of insecurity that is very likely triggering you.?It could really help to explore this with therapist, perhaps even someone with a trauma specialty -- that's not to say this is related to a trauma but more so to suggest that therapists specializing in trauma are very skilled at helping to identify and assist in repatterning your triggers!? </s>"
<s>[INST]How do I deal with depersonalisation and derealisation? [/INST]  Typically depersonalization disorder is diagnosed and treated through the use of medication and psychotherapy. I recommend that you look within your insurance network for a provider that offers ongoing therapy services for these concerns. It is important to have these concerns treated through more conventional means. </s>
"<s>[INST]I keep on changing my life when things get tough. [/INST]  I recommend that you make a list of all the reasons you should change your life and all of the reasons you shouldn't change your life. Can the problem you are in be fixed? Is there others you can lean on for support? Are there other people you know who have been through a similar experience and are willing to share their story with you? It is important to rely on your support network to help you get multiple points of view. If you believe you need additional help, I suggest seeing a professional. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I be more confident around girls? [/INST]  I recommend that you focus on the negative thoughts or irrational beliefs that are going through your mind at the time in which you are trying to approach a girl. When you are aware of the negative thoughts or irrational beliefs, you can then work on changing them. An easy way to recognize an irrational belief is a thought that contains the words ""must or never."" Once you recognize the thought or belief, I would like you to picture a big red stop sign. This is called thought stopping. This is a technique to use to stop unwanted or unhealthy thoughts. Then, I would like you to think of a more positive thought to replace it with such as: Negative thought: ""That girl will never go out with me"" STOP Positive thought: ""I won't know if she will go out with me unless I ask"". What this does is increase your self confidence by replacing your negative thoughts with positive ones that will ultimately boost your self esteem. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago and now he wants me back [/INST]  Finding the right person is a tricky thing to do. Why did you and your ex break up 3 months ago? In relationships with others you get to see a reflection of yourself.  Sometimes you may enjoy that reflection, other times it may not feel so good. I'm not sure where you are in your life and relationships and what you do from here depends on what you desire more of in your life. But I'm not simply talking in the moment desire, I'm referring to the direction you want your life to go. If one of these guys was to support you...who would help you reach your dreams? And who would you enjoy spending time with? It's complicated and no one can answer the 'what to do' question but you.  Slow down. Tune into your heart. Listen. ? </s>"
<s>[INST]I cheated on my husband with one of his good friends a few years ago [/INST]  The issue at hand here is that you're betrayal broke his trust. In order to repair your relationship you will both need to?confront the infidelity. And both of you will need to honor yourselves by communicating your feelings and ensuring that those feelings are heard and validated. It would be really helpful to do this work with a Gottman or Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist. Gottman's The Science of Trust and What Makes Love Last would both be helpful reference books to guide you along.? </s>
"<s>[INST]I have come to the realization that my boyfriend and I want different things [/INST]  Sounds like your panic is less about loosing the relationship you are in (which by the way doesn't sound like it's meeting YOUR need for connection) and more about being alone. Being with him is serving you, even if the relationship is less than ideal, from being alone. Being alone can be scary. You'd have to face yourself. You'd have to learn to love and care for and cherish yourself. All important skills and tasks in maturing and growing up, but scary none the less. What if...What if you gave yourself permission to be in a relationship with YOU? </s>"
"<s>[INST]Should I be concerned that my boyfriend will not introduce me to a female friend [/INST]  Would you have the same desire to meet this friend if she were a he? If you are concerned that their friendship is a substitute for you when you aren't present,?talk to him. It sounds like you are concerned that he is building an emotional intimacy with her and spending time doing the sort of things with her that you'd otherwise be doing with him. Help him understand why this bothers you but try to also be open to allowing him to make friends. Is the issue that he hasn't introduced you? Is there another reason you don't trust their friendship?? </s>"
<s>[INST]I feel like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me [/INST]  What would make you feel no one wants to be with you? </s>
<s>[INST]What do you do if your partner isn't satisfying your needs sexually? [/INST]  Depends: ?What do would you like to see happen? </s>
"<s>[INST]Am I unworthy of being in a meaningful relationship? [/INST]  The most crucial key to any relationship is that mutual feeling you hold between you both: that you matter.  Sounds like you are stuck in a cycle of hearing your ex say you don't matter. That's why it didn't work with him btw. He wasn't reflecting to you that you mattered. However it ended, clearly though that's the sentiment that's lingering with you.  So here you are hanging around a new man why is telling you the same message. Move on. You aren't unworthy, you just haven't found a man who is worthy of you!?To be worthy of you, he must see your worth. Often though before anyone else can see your worth, you have to believe it. ? </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I communicate with my boyfriend of ten years without him feeling like I'm attacking him? [/INST]  To follow please find some tips on getting your message across to each other, which will help you both stay emotionally connected in a healthy respectful way!Step 1: Start with I...+ feeling (For example, I feel angry because...)Step 2: About what... (Not describing your partner but the situation.)Step 3: What needed...(How partner make it better) We want to be soft on the person but hard on the issue. Directing the complaint towards the situation rather than your partner always works.It isimportant for us to be soft on the person, but tough on the issue.And at the end, say what can be done to make things right.I am wishing you and your boyfriend the very best. </s>"
<s>[INST]I am fearful of social situations and avoiding people all together [/INST]  A good first step would be to make an appointment with your primary care provider & discuss your concerns. ?They would have resources available to help in your particular situation. </s>
"<s>[INST]How can I train myself to stop eating when I'm full? [/INST]  I would recommend removing yourself from the environment you are in after you have finished eating. A simple walk around the block, calling up a friend and going to visit, or even going to another room in the house can help. If you find that you truly have no self control over food, I recommend attending Overeaters Anonymous; a 12 step group for those with compulsive issues related to food. I hope this helps.? </s>"
"<s>[INST]What can I communicate with a person who is sensitive to negativity in a disagreement? [/INST]  With any type of criticism, it is usually best to introduce the topic at a neutral time, ie: when both of you are relaxed, with no current stressors involved, having fun, etc. ?Begin with a non-judgmental reflective comment about a recent bothersome event, as if it were just then crossing your mind (therefore not something you've been consumed with ruminating over - eases the impulse for him to dive straight into defense mode).Then share how you felt at the time of the event. ?Just say when.... I felt kind of hurt / shocked (or whatever the feeling was). ?PERIOD. ?THATS ALL YOU SHOULD SAY. ?Wait for him to respond to your matter-of-fact statement.No matter what his response is, stick to your same message - don't get overwhelmed by trying to rephrase or explain your view as that will likely set you up for continued arguing. ?You can even add, ""I agree I could have misunderstood ?it (event).... I just know it made me feel uneasy.""Here you give him little wiggle room for a debate.Good luck & I'd love to hear how it goes! </s>"
"<s>[INST]My new husband is constantly talking to himself. [/INST]  A rare topic & likely extremely troublesome for you... I would need to have more background information on the two of you before beginning to offer any insight. Feel free to email me.I would also like to add that aside from the reality of whether or not these conversations are actually occurring, as your partner, he should be just as concerned about something that is disturbing you to this level. Partners need each others' trust and support, no matter who is right or wrong. </s>"
"<s>[INST]What is the proper procedure if your child's therapist is leaving the practice to work elsewhere? [/INST]  When terminating employment, counselors need to make sure they don't abandon their clients.There are several ways a counselor can avoid abandoning a client. First, the counselor can refer the client to another clinician at the place of employment. Second, the counselor could refer the client to another clinician outside of the place of employment. Third, the counselor could continue to work with the client in the new place of employment.In the end, the best interest of the client should be the the basis for which option is selected. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Is it unethical to have a relationship with a fellow counselor? [/INST]  Generally, the ethical codes only prohibit relationships with clients.There are however a few types of counselor-to-counselor relationships that are prohibited by the ethics codes. Such prohibited relationships include those between supervisors and supervisees; between professors and students; or any time the relationship might negatively impact your (or their) clients.Lastly, some workplaces have rules against dating coworkers. It would be a good idea to check if there is such a rule that applies to you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Is work burnout a real condition? [/INST]  It absolutely is a real thing. Work can take a significant toll on a person in many ways.There are several things you can do to manage burnout at work. Depending on your specific work environment, some of these might be more realistic than others.It may help to set firm boundaries between your work life and your personal life. Also, it often help s to create some variation in your work schedule or work tasks. At times, burnout can also stem from a lack of challenge at work.Feelings of being burned out by work might be a sign that it's time for a change. </s>"
"<s>[INST]There's this girl I've been dating for months [/INST]  It can be really difficult when someone you care about doesn't feel the same about you. The most important thing to remember is that you can not make her feel a certain way. There is nothing you can do to force her to want to be in a relationship with you.In the end, if she ""just wants to be friends"" then she's probably not the right match for you.Remember, every relationship ends - until that last one that doesn't. And that is how it's supposed to be  </s>"
"<s>[INST]I lied to my mom, then felt bad and told her the truth [/INST]  It sounds like you've already learned that just being honest is often the best approach.What do you think about telling your mom how you're feeling? She might really appreciate it if you also let her know that regaining her trust is really important to you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I communicate with my boyfriend of ten years without him feeling like I'm attacking him? [/INST]  Such an awesome question! The research of Dr.John Gottmanshows that there are 4 negative communication patterns that many couples find themselves in that create conflict: criticism, defensiveness, contempt & stonewalling.Distilled down, what you can focus on doing is starting up your conversations gently, taking responsibility, talk about your needs rather and pay attention to your own need for self soothing.Watchthis brief videoto learn more.Having said that, this is stuff that some couples do naturally and that others need counseling to learn, and then there are also couples who, at no fault of their own, don't mesh. Often when our partner's feel attacked it's could be for one of a few reasons. 1) you are being mean 2) you triggered an old wound. Most of the time it's #2. As Dr. Gottman says, most couples disconnect because of 'mindlessness, not malice.' Learning how to tune into one another and get past your own stuffs, that's what forms the foundation for lasting relationships. </s>"
<s>[INST]Any suggestions for erection problems? [/INST]  When a doc blows you off it may be a signal that it is time to find a new one! ED can often be caused by health issues. If all physical possibilities are ruled out then it's time to look within and enlist the help of a sex therapist. Here's a good article for you to start with. </s>
"<s>[INST]What do you do if your partner isn't satisfying your needs sexually? [/INST]  Talking to your partner about what's off would be a good place to start, but sometimes that can be really hard to muster the courage to do alone. It may not feel emotionally safe to dive into. This is where couples, and even more specifically, sex therapy can be really helpful. Therapy with a qualified professional can help to hold a safe and supportive space for you and your partner to open and explore these dynamics. You can also pick up some amazing books like Passionate Marriagewhich could be what you need to get that conversation started. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I feel like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me [/INST]  As a relationship therapist I work with a lot of people who feel similar feelings to some degree or another and almost always find that the origin of these feelings point back towards childhood.How did you caregivers express (or not express) love towards you? How did they express (or not express) love towards one another. These early messages become your template for how you have learned to see yourself and what you expect from others.In his bookWired for Love,Stan Tatkin, PsyD writesWe learn to love ourselves precisely because we have experienced being loved by someone. We learn to take care of ourselves because somebody has taken care of us. Our self worth and self-esteem also develop because of other people. This could be very fruitful to explore in individual therapy with a relationship therapist who really gets it, you may have to interview a few to find the right fit; that's OK. Maybe you'd even want to read that book I linked above. :) Noticing thispatternis HUGE, it's where transformation begins. And now that you have be kind with yourself, it begins there too. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I just found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me [/INST]  Cheating is often a sign that something is amiss in the relationship. His fear may be full of information. While it's possible to repair relationships after a betrayal it's also challenging to do, especially so early in your relationship. I can't tell you if you should/shouldn't give this relationship a second chance but I will tell you to tune into your own intuition (and follow your own fears in doing so, they often are incredibly informative when we don't push them away with denial). </s>"
"<s>[INST]My new husband constantly talks to himself [/INST]  Some people simply talk to themselves as a way of processing information. Have you checked in with your husband about this in a non-accusatory way? Something like ""Hey babe (or whatever sweet name you typically use), I'm so curious what that's all about? Do you notice that you are talking out loud?"" Chances are it's just how he thinks things through and is not at all about trying to make you crazy, it's just one of his quirks you'll grow to endear. Early married life is a time full of discovering one another's quirks! </s>"
"<s>[INST]I am in my mid-40s and am currently mending a broken heart over another failed relationship [/INST]  Sounds like you already see what's amiss. You're looking for fix-er-uppers! When you meet these men they need you. And you're filled by fixing them. And when they are fixed, what do they have to give you? What's your need in relationship? What if you found someone who didn't need fixing? </s>"
"<s>[INST]My relationship feels off and I feel insecure [/INST]  Grief has a huge impact on us and everyone's reaction is different. The one common reaction however is to shut down and distance ourselves. Her relationship with her grandmother was close, given she took care of her up until she passed. It sounds like she is working through a difficult loss and her ability to connect with you, or anyone else, is likely low right now. Trust what she is telling you and try to be there for her as she works through it. If she finds it too difficult to connect again, a good grief counselor can help her get back on track. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Is it possible to get PTSD from being very depressed? [/INST]  In general, the answer is no. Depression can not not generally cause PTSD.Your question does make a lot of sense, though. Depression is a common symptom of PTSD.A counselor in your area should be able to help you what's going on - either feelings of depression, PTSD, or both. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I find happiness after my boyfriend passed away? [/INST]  Grief is unpredictable and does not fit into rules and stereotypes. Everybody grieves differently, react in their own ways. There can be no expectations about how long, how hard, how easy it will be.Furthermore there is no way around it. No matter how much we may want to escape the pain and accelerate the process by doing all the 'right' things we have been told will help with our bereavement, there is only one way: through...The more we allow the pain to go through us, experience it, accept it, acknowledge it, make peace with it, the more we will heal.Grief comes in waves but can also feel like a rollercoaster. At first the waves feel like tsunamis, with time they become smaller and more spaced out. Yet every time they catch us by surprise. All the 'firsts without them' after a loved one has passed away, every anniversary, birthday, holiday, are all difficult times.You can not force grief to go away, to heal the wound faster than it needs to take. What you can do though is ride the wave. Go with the flow. Accept the pain. Express it. Talk to your loved one that has passed away. Express your emotions, every single one of them, both positive and negative. Write down in your journal. Take good care of your body, your nutrition, your rest. Grief is very taxing on the body too yet we disregard that.Read inspiring books, surround yourself with beauty and things that soothe your soul. Be brave and be open to the world out there, be vulnerable with pride. Try new things you never dared try before. Meet new people. Travel. Hang out with close friends. Ask for help when you need it. Be kind and gentle to yourself.The more you chase and wait for happiness, the more it will elude you. The more you stay bravely in your present and do the best you can, being loving to yourself, honest about your feelings and do not try to escape grief, the sooner it will loosen up it's claws and allow you to feel relief and finally heal.One thing is for certain, happiness will be there to it's appointment and it will be when you least expect it!Keep the faith and keep walking, nothing can remain the same forever. The only certainty is change! </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I get clarity for myself and move on in a healthy manner? [/INST]  It usually boils down to a lack of self esteem, self love and self acceptance. If for whatever reason the 'scripts' we have been told about ourselves from others, or what we have witnessed as children has become our beliefs about what to expect from life and others, have been negative, it is hard to imagine a different reality for ourselves.If what we have learned and observed in our close environment has not taught us and inspired a healthy self esteem, then we can not know what it is and how it feels like. It is as if we lack the language, the words to define it and the skills to practice it.Putting up with a loved one's drug addiction, their infidelity, lack of respect and esteem, verbal and physical abuse, tend to show and reflect the degree of our lack of self esteem, lack of sense of self worth, lack of belief that we are worth and deserve more from life.Separating was the first step towards reversing this negative situation. Spending time on your own and distancing yourself from your past experiences with him will give you a better and clearer perspective. The fact that you are asking yourself this question, shows that at some level you are aware that something is not quite right. It is just a matter of finding out exactly what it is, how you got where you are now and how to get where you want to get in your life in the future.Working with a therapist/counselor will help you understand the mechanisms and learn how to build a healthy sense of self esteem. Get a good sense of who you are and what you want. And finally design the right strategy and plan of action to achieve your goal, to move on in a healthy manner.You have made the first step, it is now a matter of being consistent in seeking help and doing the work until you achieve what you want. Become who you want to be and create the life you want for yourself. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My fiancé cheated. How can we mend our relationship? [/INST]  My first question for you would be to see if you've talked with her about it yet? You mentioned you found out....and I know this can be so painful. It can also be frightening to bring up the experience when it hurts a lot, when you feel so unsettled as you mention. But you can look at this as a vital and important piece of information about what's happening in your relationship, and an invitation to get really honest and genuine with each other.You have a long history, being together 9 years, and a son, so you are very bonded no matter what changes happen in your relationship. It may be incredibly helpful to find a counselor you can both go talk with. Having a third party who is neutral and cares about your process and hers can be such a relief when you need to discuss things you feel scared about. Even just a few sessions can make a huge difference.If this doesn't feel possible for you right now.....ask your fiancee for time to set aside for a meaningful heart-to-heart talk. Say you'd like to set it up on the calendar, and make sure you have a babysitter for your son. Set aside at least 4 hours. Let her know that you'd like to hear her honest truth about what's going on, and share with her your truth as well. It's not a time for criticizing or condemning, and I don't sense that is your intention at all--you have a great deal of love for her. Speaking honestly and listening openly is an amazing gift, both for yourself and for your partner. You can do it. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My fiancé cheated. How can we mend our relationship? [/INST]  Hello, I know this is a tough situation your going through and it has you questioning everything but one thing is certain, and that is that you still love her, dealing with the hurt can be very challenging but after learning from your mistake you changed and became more faithful and loving and the comfort knowing she forgave you, is what made you love her more and less likely to hurt her once again. You live and you learn, she will soon realize her mistake and her outtake may be the same yours was. But marriage is a special bond in front of God, which means once you are officially married, cheating and lieing to eachother will only lead to an early divorce. Practice in your pre-marriage state with speaking to her and opening up to eachother about what you feel and what you look forward to in this marriage. It's possible she's seeking something from someone else because she is not receiving it in her own relationship, improve, grow and be strong. Learn from your mistakes </s>"
"<s>[INST]My ex left without fully explaining but I feel broken and empty [/INST]  Sounds like you need closure. I'm sure your doing your best to overcome this feeling but seem to be struggling with your own happiness. Trust God no one else. Give this some time and don't close yourself off to the world or the people who love you. Be open hearted and minded. And know that no matter what reason your ex walked out of your life, she missed out on how great of a person you truly are and may have had personal issues of her own. </s>"
<s>[INST]My companion tells me he wants nothing to do with me [/INST]  Your partners obviously very confused when it comes to love. Sometimes people shy away from good and positive relationships and companionship because their afraid. They know that it's something worth holding on to but most feel they can't handle it and can't meet up to their partners expectations. Your partner loves you but must have fear that keeps standing in his way. It could also mean their afraid of getting hurt or disapointed in the long run. Give your partner comfort and reassurance that they can come to you to confide in you about anything that may be bothering them. </s>
"<s>[INST]Why am I dreaming so much? [/INST]  That's adifficult questionto answer.Dreaming is a normal (and healthy) part of the sleep cycle. The current thought is that we all generallyexperience roughly the same number of dreams - the difference often is justwhether we remember the dreams or not.An increase in the number or frequency of distressing dreams(or nightmares) can be a symptom of stress, anxiety, or PTSD. If the dreams are disturbing to you, talking to a localcounselor could help.If the dreams themselvesare not troubling, you may just be remembering them more than most people do. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My fiancé cheated. How can we mend our relationship? [/INST]  I'm sorry for the stress and unhappiness stemming the problem you describe.Trust your instinct that there is more complexity to feeling good about being in a partnership than simply wanting this to happen.In any relationship, the complexities of each person combine.  Often people accept when this feels good and are lost as to what to do when natural human complexity, doesn't match up with our partner in the way we'd like.A couples' therapist would be able to help each of you talk about the factors motivating the cheating, as well as clarify the reasons you each have for continuing to stay together.The unique advantage of couple's therapy is that each person is able to hear their partner talk out loud about themselves and their partner.This is sometimes enormously helpful since our inner thoughts are often hidden yet very dominant in how we direct ourselves in relationships.Sometimes the initial consult session offers enough new understanding that a second session wouldn't be necessary for a while.Good luck in finding your relationship happiness! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Am I going to be alone forever? [/INST]  I can relate! When things are going badly, I feel like my life hasalways been and will always be that way. (But I also do this when things aregoing well. That is, I forget how good things can turn bad. Personally, toavoid this emotional roller-coaster, I try and heed the famous advice by authorand feminist Rita Mae Brown: ""One of the keys to happiness is a badmemory.""So maybe this weakness of your for forgetting is really astrength! It sounds a lot like living in the moment to me. And while its hardto manage my past and my future, the moment seems like a small enough piece oftemporal real estate to sort out. So thats the what of my answer. The howgoes like this: Choose one from column A, two from column B, and three fromcolumn C in the following chart. Then try doing them for as long as you can.Then see what happens.A B CGratitude Forgiveness AppreciationExpectations Meditation ExerciseBitterness Distraction VolunteeringResentment Substances WorryRegret Possessions PessimismShame Desire SuperstitionRage Isolation WishingSelf-loathing Criticism WithholdingIf you feel as though what youthink and believe are out of your control, or that your values were imposed onyou, or that nothing good will ever happen again, then we will have torespectfully disagree. Youve ask a very deep and insightful question, provingthat your hope has gotten you this far. Hang onto that hope because Im anexample of things working out despite my previous way of looking at my life.Instead of convincingyourself that youre okay when youre not, how about calling it acceptingyourself as okay just the way you are, without judging your okayness. Youprobably have high standards (perfectionism?) and thats a thing to talk with acounselor about. The opposite of perfect is not horrible. Its called goodenough.Blocking out the bad things andforgetting is as natural as eating and sleeping. All the other mammals do it(except when it comes to life-threatening bad things) so why shouldnt we? Thismight be called optimism.Feeling alone and uncared foris a worse feeling than being despised. This is good! This means (I suppose)that you dont despise yourself as much as you just dont care for you (becausewe can often project our own self-beliefs onto others). This is an abstractconcept that will take some time to get used to. But I have a suspicion that,with just a little more self-care, and a little more caring for others, youmight be better off very soon. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Am I somehow stressing myself out? [/INST]  I think you have identified something important here. It's not unusual to experience feelings that don't seem to match up with what your rational mind recognizes.In this case, it sounds like a part of you recognizes that the people around you do not find you ""annoying and bothersome."" Despite knowing that people like you, it seems that there's still a part of you that feels like you're a bother.Finding a local counselor who can work with you to process those feelings might be just the help you need. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Why am I dreaming so much? [/INST]  As a depth therapist (aka ""psychodynamic practitioner""), I do a lot of dream work with clients; and they gain great insights from our explorations.We remember dreams, I believe, because dreams are messages (always in code) from the unconscious, communicating the crux of unresolved conflict between who we are and who we think we are supposed to be. You might be remembering so many dreams because your conscious mind is ready to hear these messages...and make some internal changes in response.Write them down! You'll be glad you did. A broad cross-section of these these messages will help your therapist help you interpret the meanings of these communications from you to you, and possibly chart your best path forward toward to resolve the cause of psychological symptoms you might be experiencing. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Am I going to be alone forever? [/INST]  I'm glad you're aware of how you honestly feel. Knowing one's personal truth is always the first step in finding what is necessary to be and develop.Reflect a little more on the type of care you'd like in your life.""Care"" means anything from checking in on someone to deep, intimate connection between two people.Knowing your own definition of ""care"" is the first step to know what is necessary for you to recognize what you'd like attracting.It is much easier to attract what we'd like if we are clear on what this is. </s>"
<s>[INST]Why am I dreaming so much? [/INST]  Dreams are our chance to make sense of our waking lives.If you've got a lot going on in your life then your dreams are your assistants in understanding these happenings and dynamics. </s>
"<s>[INST]My ex left without fully explaining but I feel broken and empty [/INST]  since you realize your sense of trust was broken, withdrawing from close relationships, makes sense.This may be your Self giving you natural time to recuperate from emotional pain.Also it is your chance to think over how to handle yourself differently in future relationships.Maybe this process requires more time than you'd like.Having patience is very difficult when a person feels hurt.A therapist of your own may be a good idea so you have someone for guidance and to chart your progress w you.This may feel less lonely and help you tolerate the waiting period till you're better </s>"
"<s>[INST]My husband and I are separated. I'm so scared of getting divorced [/INST]  Major change frightens almost everybody.Don't be so afraid of your fear that you let yourself beg and are willing to accept unhappiness as a standard in your marriage.If you start considering that life can be better than what is current for you now, new possibilities and ideas will start developing in your mind.Consider finding a therapist so that you have private space to talk in detail about your fears and the new ways of seeing your Self.A therapy relationship, since it is safe and supportive, will be a good balance to having been abused, suffered, and unhappy. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I am bipolar and have been absolutely angry for over the last year at my daughter [/INST]  Was either parent abusive or violent toward you?You sound to have suffered emotionally in your relationships since early in life.One point to consider is to strive for moderation in what you offer in relationships.A lot of what you've lived through is extreme, either as victim or perpetrator.If you imagine that apologizing to the custodian for the way spoke to him, would calm him down, do so.At the very least, you'll be actively resolving your guilt over cussing at him, and fear of his retaliation. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I hardly eat. But I gain weight instead of lose weight. Why? [/INST]  First step always is to have a medical evaluation so you are aware of any physiological conditions which may explain an answer to your question.If medically, there is no condition to explain why you gain weight instead of losing weight, even though you ""hardly eat"", then start noticing the types of food you eat.Almost all packaged foods sold in supermarkets and cooked by fast food places and shopping mall restaurants, are processed to have a long shelf life and are artificially colored and have flavors added to them.With the natural taste and texture gone, it is very easy to eat a lot more calories than your body needs, before feeling full.The extra calories become extra weight eventually.Also, it is possible that even with the most natural food choices, if there is a psychological reason for eating, such as stress or anxiety, then someone may not notice they are eating more food than their body needs.Sending good wishes on playing around with these ideas and finding an answer with which you're happy! </s>"
"<s>[INST]My fiancé cheated. How can we mend our relationship? [/INST]  What Makes Love Last? how to build trust and avoid betrayal by John Gottman is a great book for you both to start reading. You may also want to invest some time and energy in couples therapy. It sounds like there is a lack of trust in your relationship, likely a hangover from your beginnings, that would be helpful for you both to work through to truly be able to forgive and move forward. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Why do I feel like I need a man in my life? [/INST]  What a wonderful question!Good for you on clearly knowing your priorities.If I was sitting with you now, I'd ask you to list your reasons.Start with whatever answers you do come up with and examine each of these a little further.If, for example, you feel you need a man because many of your friends are in relationships, then possibly you feel insecure about being your unique self, even when this sets you apart from your friends.If, you feel you need a man to protect you financially, then possibly you've lost faith in your ability to financially support yourself.If you'd like a man in your life to offer your love and are willing to contribute the work of relating intimately, then you've found the best reason for wanting a man in your life.This is far different than ""need"". </s>"
"<s>[INST]My boyfriend says he needs time to think about us [/INST]  Your boyfriend may like you a lot as well.People have different styles of reflecting on their lives, one of which is to retreat the way you describe your boyfriend doing.One point you can consider is asking for a time frame of when he'd be ready to discuss his thoughts on your relationship.He's entitled to retreat, as much as you're entitled to talk.Cooperating with the other person's way of handling themselves is one aspect of relating.Since the anti-depressants are a concern for you, consider bringing up this topic when the two of you do talk. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My best friend says she loves me but is talking to a random guy [/INST]  Congrats on having your daughter!Have you told your partner about your feelings of ""hurt and confused""?This is one possible way of opening a conversation about the different ways you each feel about one another and whether either of you would like changing or continuing to live together, in light of the change in emotional connection.The first step of having a dialogue about a relationship is being clear on what you are feeling, what you are willing to contribute to the relationship and what you would like having in return from your partner.Ask your partner if she is willing to have a conversation on these topics. Then, allow some time so each of you is clear about their own expectations and what is possible to offer the other.This is a fairly complex process and very often is difficult to keep on track without outside help to keep the discussion focused.It is normal for emotions to override our logic when discussing matters we care about deeply.If the conversations don't go very far, or if your partner has no interest in talking, stick with your own interest to more fully understand matters.Interview some therapists to find one whom you feel helps you clarify and find direction for yourself about this situation. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My companion tells me he wants nothing to do with me [/INST]  Yes, I agree with your view about the ""rollercoaster"" sounding ""crazy""!Concentrate on knowing what your reasons are for staying with this guy, given the broad facts that you state.What are you gaining from being together and are these gains outweighing how you feel when your companion says the opposite of what he just told you?Also, examine yourself for any fears of being alone.Very often, people stay in detrimental relationships because of a fear that being alone will feel worse.It may, initially feel this way after a breakup.This is from change itself.Eventually, stability and peace of mind return, and being alone with oneself is preferred to being taken on an emotional rollercoaster by a partner. </s>"
"<s>[INST]What is the proper procedure if your child's therapist is leaving the practice to work elsewhere? [/INST]  There may be differences in Sate laws, and differences based on the particular license of the therapist, on this question so try googling your question for your State.Generally, the therapist should have given you whatever the standard practice is for your State, notice in advance. And, the therapist was expected to tell you and write you their care plan for the child patient.Are you the parent who is legally responsible for this child?If not, then the therapist may have already communicated properly with whoever is the legal parent responsible for the child.Also, insurance corporations who have contracts with particular therapists, have their own timeline standards of expecting therapists to give proper notice in advance of leaving a practice. </s>"
"<s>[INST]All I can do is cry and hate myself [/INST]  Crying due to a dissolution of a marriage, is normal. Hating yourself may be a sign of extreme sadness, feelings of loss and uncertainty.Do you know why you hate yourself?Discovering your reason is the first step in knowing the obstacles and then the additional steps possible, to move from ""hate"" to ""self-love"".Divorce signals a loss of familiar life structure and daily routines.  As with any meaningful loss, crying is part of mourning what is soon to be gone.If you have confidence in your attorney's handling of the legal areas related to the divorce, and the ""impossible"" you reference is on facing and coming to terms with statements and behaviors from your wife that you never noticed before, then your best choice is to find a therapist whom you feel at ease in talking with, to sort through the emotional upheaval within yourself and your everyday life and world.Divorce is a wonderful time for learning about ones own emotional needs and expectations in relationships since these are the areas currently coming apart.The good news behind losing something that seems valuable, is that new space becomes open to attract what is more suitable for who you are. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I don't know where the lines should be drawn with my boyfriend's ex [/INST]  How much of your unhappiness with your boyfriend's way of handling himself regarding his ex, have you told him?The topics that upset you are the core of any intimate relationship.The good news is your own awareness of priorities and expectations from a partner.There may not be any bad news, depending on whether your boyfriend has the interest to adjust what he does regarding the ex.Talking the matters you list, may open a lot of emotion and become sidetracked very easily.A couples' therapist, whose focus is on the couple, not either of you as individuals, may be useful to you and your boyfriend so that you are able to complete your discussions without getting lost by the emotions raised. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My therapist betrayed my trust [/INST]  Do you want this therapist to have your credit card information?If not, then cancel the credit cards that you believe may now be accessible to this therapist.Therapists are expected to keep very clear boundaries between the therapy work and not have other relationships, such as ""friend"" or ""money lender"" with someone who is their patient.Therapists are never ""friends"" with their patients.Letting you believe that you are the therapist's friend, is a violation of professional ethics and almost definitely, a violation of the Consumer Protection laws in your State.Start by dropping this person as your therapist. He has broken too many ethical standards to be worthy of offering therapy.Think over if you'd like remaining friends with this person, whom you describe as lacking integrity and stealing from you.If you need help getting back money from him, then contact the police and talk to a detective about what has happened so far. The detective will advise according to the laws in your community and State, whether to file a police report, and what steps are necessary to utilize the Court system to get back your funds.If you'd like doing future patients who may be treated to similar ways by this therapist, a favor, go online and file a complaint with the therapist's Licensing Board.Good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]I don't trust my boyfriend [/INST]  I'm sorry for so much stress in your relationship life.In what ways does your boyfriend express his commitment and positive feelings about you, to you?From what you write, you feel more aggravation, stress, loneliness and insecurity, than satisfaction by being in this relationship.Does he care that you don't trust him?Very often people stay in relationships from fear of knowing who they really are. The feeling is of needing a partner in a way that is similar to how a fearful child needs staying nearby a parent.My suggestion is to think over how much your sense of need for a partner, may be preventing you from actually seeing the amount of love and investment in your relationship, your boyfriend actually has.These realizations are sometimes painful and frightening to understand, especially if you grew up in a family that largely ignored or didn't adequately nurture you as a child.A therapist for your Self may be a good investment of time and cost in giving yourself a safe and trustworthy space to think deeply about your best interest. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Can our marriage still be saved? [/INST]  Sorry to hear about the stress in your relationship. There is definite value in being clear as you are, about your own emotional investment in your husband and that you expect sexual exclusivity from him as part of the foundation of your marriage.Also positive is your awareness that only your husband is the one who must similarly decide his own standards of being sexually exclusive to you, or not.Whether your marriage can be saved depends on what each person is willing to accept about the other one.Is sleeping with other women the only criterion of what will satisfy you about being together with your husband?Love and care are not enough to make a marriage work.Partners need to be able to compromise and cooperate with each other.That you care for him definitely intensifies any emotion you feel toward your husband. It intensifies any frustration and sadness about the relationship too.Decide how much emotional sadness and hurt you're willing to tolerate and the reason you're willing to do so.From what you write, you are being very generous of yourself and not being reciprocated for this.If your husband doesn't start taking steps toward satisfying your wishes, this may be your time to question your own generosity in waiting for him to do so. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I don't believe in myself anymore [/INST]  Congratulations on leaving your marriage!It is ok and natural to feel sadness, loss, uncertainty in direction, hurt, resulting from ending the marriage.Possibly what you consider ""pity"" is a combination of these feelings.Be kind and caring toward who you are since you just put yourself through a major separation and need time to clear out the old emotions that connected you to your ex.There is very, very little chance of him helping you since he lacks compassion and empathy.More likely any help he gave would be in order to manipulate you.Maybe for now your server job is ok do you have more time to concentrate on taking care of your emotions.You were a manager once, you can be a manager again when you feel ready for doing so.Good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can someone like me be happy? [/INST]  The ADHD and manic depressive episodes are terms other people told you that you have.You don't have to accept these words to describe who you are.A lot of mental health in our country is about telling people what's wrong with them and giving pills for these so called conditions, instead of helping a person know more about themselves in order to make good decisions.You can be happy because nothing from the outside, such as the names people have used to tell you who you are, can interfere with your own wish to be happy.Others can slow you down because of the self-doubt and hurt feelings. No one can take happiness from you, only they can make it harder to find and hold onto.Anger management only works temporarily because it is a surface approach.Think of the reason you are angry. This will be better to know so you will be able to address it.Then you will not have anger to manage. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My therapist betrayed my trust [/INST]  I'm sorry to hear that this hashappened.Counselors are legallyand ethically required to make sure that they always put the wellbeing of their clients above their own interests.In addition, counselor ethical rules, and the laws in just about every state, make it illegal for counselors to take advantage ofa client financially.A counselor borrowing money from a client (even if the counselorpays it back) wouldusually be considered to be taking advantage of the client.There are a few options you have at this point ifyou can't (or don't want) to continue to try to contact him directly. You can file a complaint with your states' regulatory board and let themknow what has happened.An investigator will then look into the situation for you. Another option would be for you to find a different counsleor who can provide you with an independent and netural point of view to help you figure out how you want to handle this situation.  </s>"
"<s>[INST]How will I check if there really is something wrong with me? [/INST]  Trust your intuition that your boyfriend is involved with other people.You gave examples which strongly suggest this.Quite commonly, a person twist someone's words to convince then of having problems in seeing or understanding their own and other's behavior.Your intuition is again working quite well in telling you that your problem is having a boyfriend who manipulates you, not that you're seeing things incorrectly.One way to check if you're totally misreading him, is to examine whether you feel similarly in other relationships.If no one else who knows you tells you that you're crazy, then this strongly points to your boyfriend twisting words so that you feel wrong.Also, a consult with a therapist would clarify the dynamics between you and your boyfriend.A therapist session would also allow you to think out loud in a confidential discussion, what to do with your newfound clarity! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Some adult family members are acting erratically in my house [/INST]  Hi,This sounds like a very challenging and upsetting problem - good for you for reaching out! My first thought is, these two adults may have a sleep disorder that could be contributing to the urination in inappropriate places. Since they are adults, and you can't force them to seek treatment, you might be able to suggest that there could be an underlying medical issue and advise they speak with a medical provider. . As far as what to do for yourself - set some firm boundaries. Be clear about the expectations of your home. Also include the positive and negative consequences should they decide to address or avoid this issue. I hope this helps you, your family members, and the pets! </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm being emotionally abused by my dad. I need advice on how to hold my temper with him. [/INST]  First, I'd like to say that I can't imagine what it must feel like to live in your shoes and have to be exposed to such treatment. Oftentimes, people don't recognize how serious this type of abuse can be. It's very important you first recognize that it is absolutely impossible for any of us to change a person. So the only thing you have control over is you - your response, your set boundaries, and your support system. It's very important that you set healthy boundaries, express these expectations to him, and consistently follow them. I cannot stress how important have a strong support system - a circle of caring people - who can help keep you accountable with your boundaries and who you can reach out to if you ever feel your safety is at risk. There is only so much I can explain via writing so let me know if you need any additional help. Feel free to contact me. - Natalie </s>"
"<s>[INST]My husband is harsh towards our son and threatened me [/INST]  I have had these many cases, but in situations like this.... If it does get out of hand, the police do need to be involved. Sit down and talk to your husband when he is calm and collective. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I was duped into getting married to a therapist, but once her immigration status was secure, she bolted. [/INST]  I'm sorry to hear about being taken advantage of by your former wife.On the positive side, think of how much you learned by going through this very painful time.Maybe you are naturally very generous and caring, to the point of expecting very little from the other person, for example.Consider yourself in a favorable position to not feel like going out right now and meeting a new person. Your spirit is guiding you to stay put and recuperate from this ordeal, review for any signs you may have been more trusting than merited by the person's behavior.There's a natural flow to what we're able to handle and when we have renewed capacity for new adventures.There's no reason to assume that you'll never trust another woman again. The first step is re-building trust in yourself to step into a new relationship.  There is no designated time line. You'll simply feel more ready than you feel now.Very unlikely that you'd ever place yourself in a similar situation to the one you're currently recovering from.Good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Why is he treating me like I am not a good woman? [/INST]  I am less concerned about this man as bisexual and having gay friends, than about how you feel is treating you. You are in a vulnerable position because of social isolation. If you have friends to talk to, please reach out. While this man has money, it is not his job to take care of you financially unless the two of you have decided that together. It sounds like he sometimes cares for you and other times you feel disrespected. I would suggest you look for a man that is consistent in his love and care. This is not your fault. But you are in control of removing him from you life or choosing not to because he meets some of your needs. Take care. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My parents aren't letting my boyfriend and I talk or see each other while I'm pregnant [/INST]  You're not wrong for wanting to be with your boyfriend of three years who is also the biological father of your child.Do your parents object to you and your boyfriend continuing to see each other in person? Or, do they object only to electronic communication and don't want him involved in his child's life?Ask your parents what their reason is for forbidding you to communicate with your boyfriend. Ask them also to understand your point of view.Now is also a good time for you and your boyfriend to plan whether and where you will live as a family and how to financially and emotionally support one another once your baby is born.Your mom and dad are definitely making fatherhood difficult for your boyfriend and motherhood stressful for you.Consider bringing up the topic during your next obgyn visit. Your doctor may ask your mom to explain her reasons and address these.Look online for women's resources to see if there are clinics or agencies that would help you advocate for your position in this matter.Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy, labor and delivery! </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I, a LPC, start an online practice? [/INST]  This is a great question - especially since technology assisted counseling is definitely the current growing edge of the field.There are a few things you'll want to look into before starting an online practice:1) Check out your state laws regarding online counseling - keep in mind there are different terms used in different states Including ""technology assisted"" or ""distance"" counseling. So it might take a little searching to find your state's rules. Some states have extensive regulations regarding the scope of practice, informed consent, documentation, etc. Other states do not have any specific laws or policies regarding online counseling at all.2) Next, it's a good idea to review the 2014 ACA code of ethics and the 2015 AMHCA code of ethics. Both have extensive new sections addressing the ethics of online counseling.3) Lastly, you'll need to look into the law in the state(s) where your potential clients are located. This is really important since nearly every state considers counseling to occur in both the location of the client and the location of the counselor. For example, New York has a law that specifically requires any counselor who is providing online counseling services to a client in the state to be licensed by New York. </s>"
<s>[INST]I'm going through dysphoria [/INST]  Wonderful! I am so excited for you. What a huge decision. I am writing from Toronto Canada so it is hard for me to direct you specifically. I would start with two things 1) Find a doctor that is comfortable perscribing hormones and 2) find a Counsellor or Therapist that is transgender specialized. They will know how transitioning works in your health care system and other supports as well. Google is a wonderful way to find these resources.  I wish you well. Thanks for writing! </s>
<s>[INST]How do I go about asking my ex-girlfriend to expose me to her friends so I can come out finally? [/INST]  I am a bit confused? Are your ex-girlfriend's friends gay? I feel the need for a bit more information.  </s>
"<s>[INST]How do I cure myself of being a transvestite? [/INST]  Hello. I do not that thnk this is something that needs to be cured. If it a part of who you are, I feel that is great. if you simply enjoy wearing the clothes I would work on self acceptance. Take care.  </s>"
<s>[INST]I'm transgender. I want help and I need help. [/INST]  Hi. I would find a counsellor to talk to. Google to find a transgender specialized counsellor in your area. They can help you make good decisions and feel good about who you are. Good luck! </s>
"<s>[INST]I want to have sexual experiences with adults, male or female [/INST]  The thoughts you are having are just thoughts. Not actions. It is your choice whether you act on these thoughts. If you decide to explore having sex with adults of different genders that is great. If you find yourself obsessed with sexual thoughts,you may want to see a cognitive-behavioural therapist. Take care. </s>"
<s>[INST]How can I determine if I should be a boy or girl? [/INST]  Gender is personal thing. There is not just boy and girl. It is ok to be a boy and feel feminine and date women. It is also ok to be a transgendered women and date women. Have fun with it and feel it out. What is right for you? </s>
"<s>[INST]How can I get people to listen? [/INST]  First of all, I am sorry that you have been missing out on your childhood. It may help you to know that many of us feel that we have missed out on our childhoods, as well, and that despite such deprivations, for many of us, our adult lives have been extraordinarily fulfilling due to our opening up to trusted adults. I recommend that you find a trustworthy adult to talk to. This may be a teacher, a coach, a school counselor, a minister, a family member, or a friend's family member. If none of these are available, try out a professional counselor, social worker, psychiatric nurse practitioner, psychologist, or a psychiatrist. It is best to get a referral for such a professional from a peer who has had a positive and safe experience with a particular provider. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm depressed because my wife is divorcing me and I haven't seen my child in a while. [/INST]  It's hard to accept the end of a marriage when it's not your choice; you feel powerless, abandoned and unwanted. Your wife has the right to decide not to be in a marriage with you, and a therapist can help you accept and move through this change that has broken your heart and left you lost. You don't indicate why you haven't seen your child, and you may want to consult with a lawyer about the laws in your area and how to gain access to your baby. Therapists don't intervene in these ways. The marriage may be ending, but your role as a loving father is only beginning. You can focus on giving your child the gift of two parents who respect each other. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I deal with the anger problems I've gained from my soon-to-be husband? [/INST]  My gut says that your own rage is being triggered partly because you feel trapped or shutdown by your fiance's moody/angry/rage responses and powerless to stop it. You can start by accepting that this is who he is and you won't change him. You can only change your own behaviours, and I see you taking responsibility for those, which is great. You want to protect your girls, and that's appropriate; children are greatly affected by this type of home environment. I urge you to see a therapist so you can understand your own emotions and sort out the choices you have to make, knowing that your fiance has to make his own choices about his behaviours. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I cope with separation anxiety while boyfriend is out of town? [/INST]  In a way, yes, you have separation anxiety. It's normal in a relationship for us to slow down a bit with the attachment behaviours that establish and deepen love and connection. So, just because your boyfriend isn't talking as much or keeping you up-to-date doesn't necessarily mean what you fear it means...that he's forgotten about you or loves you less. It could mean quite the opposite...that he's focused on being successful in his new job and impressing you. He may think he's loving you more, but you feel loved less. You have two jobs to do here. The first is to manage your anxiety by ""talking back"" to the thoughts it puts into your head. It sounds like ""It's normal to be insecure, but I have tons of evidence that he loves me and that I mean the world to him..."" Find that evidence that helps you refute what anxiety is trying to claim. The second part of your job is to let him know what you need. You need more affection and connection during this period when he's away (more texts, phone calls, information). It's okay to want that, and I am sure he will be relieved to know exactly what he can do to help you feel secure and calm when he's away. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Why do I get random spurts of anger over petty things? [/INST]  Hi. I'm glad you wrote. In general, when a small thing bothers us (and this happens to all of us), it's because the small thing triggers an emotion in us that we have felt ""too much"" or ""too intensely"" in the past, and we don't know how to manage that emotion effectively...we just want to avoid it as quickly as possible. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with a qualified therapist can help you to understand what is being triggered in you and learn how to manage emotions productively. You say that your behaviours are self destructive, and I agree. It sounds like you have developed a habit of channelling your distress towards self-harm, and this is a separate and potentially more serious problem. This is a choice you make that points to shame being an issue for you. Again, a good therapist can help you learn what's behind your shame and self-harm. Your feelings are normal, and you can learn more healthy ways to deal with them with qualified help. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My husband wants a divorce after I was diagnosed with severe depression. [/INST]  I'm sorry for the hurt you're feeling from your husband's decision.Keep in mind that if one partner does not want to be in a relationship and remains in it, then both people will be unhappy, dissatisfied and feel stressed.Imagine being in a relationship that you'd rather leave.All the negative feelings and resentment of being with someone whom you'd rather be without, would not leave very much energy to satisfy your partner.I'm glad you realize that you feel depressed.Depression is a mood that can change once you understand what is causing it.Depression is an area that very often therapists help their patients understand, and emotionally support and encourage them during the course this takes.For now, concentrate on decreasing the tension in your life. Your husband's indecision may very well be adding to your stress.Only he can make up his own mind.As hard as this may be, all you really can do is take care of how you feel so that you will feel better.From what you write, your husband is too unsure to offer you the love and care you'd like from him.Learning to love oneself is always worthwhile.  At this stage in your marriage, now sounds like an ideal opportunity for you to teach yourself self-love. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My daughter-in-law is smoking marijuana while pregnant. [/INST]  Have you reached your own conclusions and reasons for these, regarding the topic? When you feel confident in your own reasons for your conclusions, then obviously ask your daughter in law for some time together and tell her what you think and your reasons for opinions.Plan for this meeting according to the type of relationship you have with your daughter in law.Since your son will also be affected by the prenatal conditions of his child, he may also be interested in being part of this conversation.Also, during your discussion, find out the exact ways the morning sickness affects your daughter in law.It is possible that scheduling adjustments in routines can be made so your daughter has more time to rest or fewer responsibilities for a while until she feels better.Maybe you and other family members can lighten her daily routines so she has more time for herself to manage her morning sickness in a less risky way.Sending Good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]What are the general prognosis for ultradian cycling bipolar to mix with coexisting mild borderline personality disorder, anxiety, PTSD [/INST]  The general prognosis for anyone is good, so long as they have faith in their own ability to find the goodness in life.From what you write, the professionals may have so much focus on the drugs they give you, that they have forgotten that you are a human being who has interests, opinions, feelings and thoughts.The list of drugs you write sounds too long for anyone to reasonably need.My best suggestion is to find a therapist who does talk therapy, not drug therapy.Discussing your fears and anxieties in a protected, professional, confidential space, sounds like the first step to helping you believer your own conclusion about your well-being.Taking a lot of drugs creates self-doubt and weakens the sense of self that people naturally have.My wish for your future is to regain trust and confidence in yourself as a person, not a diagnosis who is told to take a lot of pills. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My husband wants a divorce after I was diagnosed with severe depression. [/INST]  Wow that is tough. There is nothing worse than fearing abandonment when you are already struggling with depression. It sounds like you are still wanting to work through whatever challenges you and your husband are having but your husband may not be on the same page. I would encourage you and your husband to seek professional support if you haven't already. While depression can put real strains on a relationship, relationship problems can lead to or contribute to depression and there may be some real benefits to both of you in doing some couple therapy. With that being said - if your husband is not willing to do therapy or is clear that he wants the relationship to end, then I can't see what choice you have but to ""respect his decision"" as you mentioned. This doesn't mean that you have to feel okay with the decision - as I'm sure you wouldn't - but ultimately loving one another and staying in committed relationships is a choice that we each have to make. If he is wanting to leave - this could make things a lot tougher for you. I would encourage you to seek professional support for yourself and reach out to lots of friends and family. You do not need to face depression alone - nor should you have to. We all need support at tough times like these. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I fight inner loneliness from depression and a severe anxiety disorder? [/INST]  If you are someone who usually has a job, pays or contributes to household bills, and generally manages your own daily life, then here are some suggestions.Start with small changes in your life so that you will feel successful in developing little areas of personal happiness.Since the people whom you currently are in your life ""aren't helping much"", consider branching out your life so that you are with those with whom you do feel help you.Follow your natural interests. If you like reading, look online for a local book club.  If you like watching birds, look up a bird watching group.Social isolation increases the intensity of negative feelings.Also, the way healthcare is set up in the US, psychiatrists spend 15 minutes asking a person questions and then giving them a pill script.  There is almost no human interest in the person.If you'd like feeling better as a person, then find people.  Relying only on our mental health system will keep you feeling low and unsteady.If your life is a little more sheltered and you are in a group home setting or your basic needs are taken care of by someone or some organization, then similar advice is still valid.Find and participate in whatever human settings which appeal to you and are available on a somewhat regular basis. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I become less anxious in conversations? [/INST]  Would you feel more secure in conversations if instead of talking soon after meeting someone or entering a social situation, you simply listened attentively to the other people?This way you'd have a more secure idea of what topics the group likes talking about and whether you like talking about these topics as well.Maybe you simply are in groups or situations in which you don't care for the people or focus.Start by trusting your own evaluation of your true interest in being among the groups in which you are.Maybe you simply need new and different groups. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My parents are getting a divorce and I feel depressed. [/INST]  Consider yourself quite normal for feeling overwhelmed and depressed about your parents divorce.  This is the most natural way to feel at this time.Depending on how old you are, and whether you live under their roof, are dependent on their support, and are either part of the decision or not, of with whom and where you will live, start considering these points.How did you find out about the upcoming divorce?Are either of your parents reluctant to answer your questions or is it clear that neither of them want to talk about anything with you?Whatever your fears and questions about your own future, these are all real. It is necessary for you to know about your basic future.If you are living on your own and the main problem is your inner adjustment that your family structure is completely changing, then probably a good therapist would be a great help to you now, to clarify these tensions.Sending lots of good wishes for an easy resolution to your new path! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Could a rape that happened years ago be the cause of my anxiety? [/INST]  It's not unusual for traumatic experiences that happened when we were younger to stay with us when we get older. Traumatic experiences can become embedded in our bodies, as well as in our emotions. If the issue doesn't get a chance to get resolved within, then external action doesn't necessarily take care of the problem. Seek out a qualified trauma therapist so you can start to deal with the issues you're grappling with. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I help my toddler with toilet training when he gags every time he sees his poop? [/INST]  Your son is showing signs that he's just not ready to be toilet trained. You don't say how old he is, so I'm not sure whether the problem is deeper, but right his fears may reflect that right now he is simply be not ready to take that step. Pushing him at this point could worsen the problem, so I suggest pulling back the expectations, waiting a month or two, looking for more signs of readiness and trying again. In general, teaching children to use the toilet works best when ""mistakes"" are handled calmly and when parents pay close attention to cues that the child is responding positively. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Could a rape that happened years ago be the cause of my anxiety? [/INST]  Hi. Even though (thankfully) your parents responded well to you telling them, and you received treatment, it's possible, and very normal for sexual abuse trauma to affect you in different ways as you age and develop. Please see a therapist, who can help you find the root of the anxiety. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I get my sex drive back after my rape? [/INST]  I'm sorry for your being taken advantage of and for all the negative feelings created by being exploited.If you have not already explained to your wife about what caused your great distress, then please consider doing this. A conversation that happens in a safe relationship, will give her a chance of being supportive to you. And, the discussion may relieve some of the bad feelings toward yourself which you currently feel.In its most positive light, you and your wife can build a new sex life based on the loving foundation you develop from talking with one another in this deeper way.It will certainly distinguish your love based sex life with your wife, from sex as a violation of your body by other people.There are also behavior therapists who would set a program of building tolerance for sex as part of your usual life.These programs usually work for a short while only, unless the person also clears out the deeper levels of fear and hurt from being victimized.Good luck in progressing to feeling that your sex drive is back! </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I stop feeling sad at my mother's passing over a year ago? [/INST]  I'm sorry for your mother's passing on.Feeling sad to lose someone who mattered very much to you, is normal. Even crying on occasions you recall specific times with her, or on holidays and birthdays, is normal. I'm glad you're aware of your feelings.The only reason to be concerned about your sadness regarding your mother's passing, is if you are so sad that the sadness stops you from doing other activities in your life.If you are able to feel, sad, recall both good and not so good memories about your mom, the times you had with her and life lessons you learned through her, and carry on with your usual activities, then feel free to know you are someone who is aware of their feelings.If you're staying in bed most of the day, eating and sleeping poorly, not going to work or taking care of your house and household, because your sad feelings are flooding your life, then consider a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist who can help you grow stronger within yourself while finding a place in your heart for memories of mom.Good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]My husband seems to end his relationships with women whenever he has an infant. [/INST]  This sounds really difficult and I can understand your motivation to get to bottom of why this behaviour has occurred - especially if your husband (who sounds like he is an ex-husband?) continues to have a relationship with you and your children. With that being said - relationships and mental health are very complicated and you are unlikely to find the answers you are looking for. In order for someone to be diagnosed with a mental illness or in order for them to identify what leads them to fall into particular patterns in relationship - they would need to be willing to seek help and honestly talk about their challenges, something that you say your ex is not willing to do. While it might be a relief to understand what is going on with him - it might be more comforting for you to get support for yourself in processing your feelings and everything that has come up for you as a result of his choices. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Could a rape that happened years ago be the cause of my anxiety? [/INST]  While anxiety can come about for many reasons, trauma is definitely one of the factors that makes anxiety a possibility both immediately following a traumatic event and later in life. When we have experienced such scary violations of our bodies - we may experience residual effects of fear for many years to come. This is normal, natural and in many ways helpful - at least initially. This fear is in some way a sign that your body/mind is taking good care of you - trying to keep you on your toes in order to protect you from anything terrible happening to you again. However, as it sounds like you know, anxiety feels awful and there are certainly ways of learning to reduce anxiety. In order to get the tools you need to manage anxiety and also understand where it comes from and how it works in your life, I would encourage you to seek professional help and check out anxiety resources online.  </s>"
"<s>[INST]Is it wrong that I don't love or even like my sister? [/INST]  Not liking someone is not cruel - even if it is a family member. There is nothing wrong with you for not liking your sister. Some people are fortunate to have siblings that they get along with really well, other don't. We all have different personalities and we are not going to like everyone - even if they are related. In fact, sometimes being related makes it harder because you know all of each other's flaws and imperfections. With that being said - it may be worth it to make an effort to talk about the things that get in the way of having the kind of relationship that you might ideally want with your sister. Sometimes it is hard to like someone if we have a lot of old frustration and resentment and being able to talk about it in a constructive and kind way can lead to more understanding and respect, and sometimes actually liking each other. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Thoughts of afterlife causes anxiety [/INST]  You might be surprised how normal you are. Anxiety is incredibly common and while your particular type of existential anxiety might be unique to you - it is very difficult for most people to really comprehend what happens after we die - regardless of the religious or philosophical belief systems we hold. It is the ultimate unknown and some philosophers and psychologists believe that at the root of our day-to-day anxieties is the fear of death or fear of the unknown. Just as it can be really hard to comprehend the ending of life it can also be hard to comprehend an eternal existence. What these both have in common is that we are imaging a future that is ultimately unknowable and this unknown can provoke a lot of anxiety.Mindfulness based practices like meditation - maybe there is something like this in your religious tradition - can be very helpful in making peace with the unknown in the present moment. The more we can learn to live in the moment - the less we get hung up on anticipating outcomes for our lives that may never come true. Mindfulness practices can help you ground, be where you are , relax and regulate your nervous system so that you are able sleep and recuperate, and train your attention to focus on living the life you want to live now - rather than worrying about what happens after you die.Having said all that - it can be profoundly helpful to speak with someone about your anxiety - especially when you feel haunted by it, worry that you are crazy and can't get to sleep. There are lots of good therapists out there who can help you with your anxiety. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I get my sex drive back after my rape? [/INST]  I am very sorry to hear about your rapes. Traumatic events, such as rape, can have some lasting effects. Issues with sex drive are one of these effects. Therapy can help to decrease the impact that traumatic events have upon our lives as we process through some of our experiences.  EMDR can be a particularly effective modality of treatment to address this issues. I would also encourage you to have an honest conversation with your wife about this concern. Sometimes it is helpful to have that conversation with a therapist so that the therapist can help educate your wife in regards to effects of trauma. This may help her understand that your feelings are more about the trauma and less about her as a person. Best of luck to you!  </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I get my sex drive back after my rape? [/INST]  Hello Utah, thank you for writing with your question. Sexual assault or sexual abuse is a very traumatic event that affects victims in many ways. Your difficulty in feeling sexually engaged and your description of the shame and self-loathing you feel are normal responses to the rapes you experienced. A good therapist can help you to process your traumas and understand that you did nothing wrong to cause the rapes; the shame is not yours. It takes a very patient and loving partner, but you can make progress towards a healthier sexual relationship with your wife. These are issues that I cannot address more fully here other than to recommend that you seek the assistance of a qualified professional. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My boyfriend thinks he's perfect and puts his friends before me. [/INST]  Hi, Ontario. I live in the other Ontario; in Canada. I'll try to help you sort this out. You have a long list of complaints about your boyfriend!It sounds like he's maybe a bit immature and moody, and these things affect you, for sure. I get it.It'sgot me curious, and if I was working with you, I'd want to know a lot more about how long you've been together andwhat's actually working well between you two. I would also ask a lot of questions about the details of your description. What tells you he's 'sneaky'? Does he lie? How do you know he lies to you? Also, are you wanting to make things better with him, do you just want an ear to vent to, are you looking for validation, or do you hope someone will help you wake up to an unhappy situation? It helps me if I know what you want.Whenever I meet someone who has a lot of complaints about their partner or boyfriend, I encourage them first to look at the language they're using. Some of your words tell me that you think you know what he's thinking (that he wants to fight so he can leave, that he thinks he's perfect). It's always tricky when we assume what someone's thinking, and in an argument or dialogue, these kinds of statements tend to lead to defensiveness and an escalated argument. I'd encourage you to focus on his actual behaviours and how they affect you, rather than the motives or beliefs you think are behind the behaviours (because you really can't know what he's thinking unless he tells you). As a general rule, the ""When you do X, I feel Y"" sentence goes far in helping others understand what we feel.So, it's fair to say ""when you lie to me, I can't trust you"", or ""when you end our date early to hang with your friends I feel like I'm not important to you"", or ""your mood swings are difficult for me"", or ""I don't seem to get apologies from you"". Try to focus on his actual behaviour when you talk to him about this stuff. A relationship counsellor can help you each understand the other better beyond the surface behaviours if you want to improve the relationship.That said, I have to ask...if you haven't been with Mr. Not So Great for very long, is it maybe time to rethink the relationship? Unless there is a balance of really loving and positive behaviours that you're leaving out, you don't seem happy. A good therapist can help you understand why you are stuck in an unhappy relationship, if that is what's happening.There's a lot to sort out here...how to communicate about your needs, how to know when to call it quits if something doesn't feel good... I wish you the best as you continue to examine these questions with assistance from friends or professionals. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Is it wrong that I don't love or even like my sister? [/INST]  Hi. My guess is there's a lot of deep history here that I don't know about. Have you felt hurt by your sister in the past, or are you just 'different people'? It's a common feeling people have about siblings; that they're very different and they wouldn't choose them as friends, but most people stay connected to family unless there's a good reason not to. We don't choose our family, do we? Your feelings are normal and they don't make you cruel. If you were mean to her, that might be a different thing. It might be considered cruel to cut her out of your life for no reason, but choosing to not hang out with her a lot isn't cruel, in my mind. Perhaps you at least owe your sister kindness and respect (if she respects you), but not necessarily friendship.How you respond here is up to you; there are no rules. You get to decide how much 'family' means to you and how much time you spend with friends or family. This may shift at different times in your life though. Cutting all ties with a sister now (you haven't said you want that though) might mean she won't want to be there for you in the future when you need her. Also, how you treat your sister affects your other family members as well. There are many things to consider here, but the bottom line is that you get to surround yourself with the people you want in your life. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Is it possible to get my ex-boyfriend help, forcibly? [/INST]  The specific laws about this will vary from state to state. Generally, the only way to ""force"" someone to get mental health care is if they pose an imminent theft of harm to themself or someone else, or if they are unable to care for themself. More importantly, is dealing with your safety. Most states have laws that make stalking a crime. You might want to think about filing a police report and obtaining a restraining order against him. You could also think about contacting a local counselor. While you can't force him to get help with moving on from the relationship, counseling could help you to deal with what is going on. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Should I get back together with my ex-boyfriend who has trust issues? [/INST]  I'm truly sorry to hear that your relationship is causing you such distress at this time.When we are in relationships, trust is so integral to our satisfaction within the relationship. Often, when we feel we are required to prove ourselves, feelings of resentment can replace those feelings of wanting to be supportive. In situations like this, I often recommend being open and honest in your communication with your partner. Your fears about his response are valid, as he made an assumption which you cannot disprove because you cannot battle against a shadow fact.If you feel comfortable doing so, you can always ask him why he is so concerned you are unable to remain faithful and challenge those beliefs with the facts that disclaim them. You can also ask your partner what it is that he needs from you to help you to help him trust in your responses. In the end, these are issues that you cannot conquer for him - you can only guide him and show him the path towards trust. You may suggest couples counselling or that he seek out a professional to talk to, as well. But in terms of your question, only you can decide whether you feel you can remain in a relationship in which you defend yourself against an uncommitted offense. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Should I get back together with my ex-boyfriend who has trust issues? [/INST]  Trust is essential in romantic relationships and it is common to have trust issues - because the stakes are so high. If both of you are committed and willing to be fully honest with each other, trust can be repaired and become stronger than ever. I would encourage you to seek out professional help as it easy to get derailed by fear when trying to work things out in the absence of trust. When fear takes over - we tend to become defensive and act in ways that makes it harder to trust one another. In addition to getting professional support I would encourage you to learn more about building trust in relationships and deepening connection through accessing various online resources on relationships. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Why does my mom show more love to my brothers than me? [/INST]  Attention is not equal to love and being valued. It may be precisely because your brothers demand so much more your mom's attention through fighting with her that she pays more attention to them. It is a common situation in families where the ""squeaky wheel gets the grease"" and the siblings or family members who don't demand as much attention end up feeling invisible. It sucks to feel invisible and it is important that there is attention for you and that you know how much your mom loves and values you. This sounds like an important conversation to have with your mom and if she is not able to really understand or help you address this concern you may want to suggest doing some family therapy where a skilled therapist can help you and your family work this out. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm older and just experienced heartbreak. [/INST]  Ouch. Losing someone you love hurts so much. We all long to be loved and to love and to have that experience and then lose it is awful. While it is easy to feel angry or start doubting yourself under these circumstances, I would encourage you to recognize the agony of what you are experiencing as an indication of how much you value loving relationships and how much you want to make this happen in your life. When we are going through this kind of loss it is really helpful to have the support of friends and family. While no one is going to be able to make it better, we don't have to be alone with our pain. If you are not comfortable with going to those in your life it may be a good time to see a counsellor to help you cope with your distress and learn how to move past this and find the love that you are looking for. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Am I going to be alone forever? [/INST]  As social creatures, we humans all long for deep human connection. To know that we belong and are part of something larger. It is so important to us that when we feel alone - it can feel almost unbearable. You are not alone in feeling alone. While it can take time to build deep relationships there are moments in each day where we have the opportunity to interact with other people who may also feel lonely and scared and want to be seen and acknowledged. I wonder what it might be like for you if you took on an experiment of trying to really see the people around you and make little attempts to acknowledge and connect with them - fellow humans on this journey of life. A ""good morning"" at the bus stop or really looking at the person who you buy your groceries from or thanking or complimenting someone for something that you notice and appreciate. While this is not a substitute for close relationships these moments of real connection with the people who we share our communities with can go a long way to realizing that we are not as alone as we may have thought. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Is it okay for my girlfriend to have sex with other men since I can’t sexually perform? [/INST]  Hi,First and foremost, I want to acknowledge your efforts to gain (your) ideal erectile function. If the medications are not working and you have taken them as prescribed, I would encourage you to seek the help of a sex therapist as the dysfunction may be due to a psychological and/or relational issue rather than a physical/medical one.As for your question, only you can answer this. Is it OK? Are you OK with her sleeping with others? Have you thought through what this may look like, feel like, become for you and her? Opening up a relationship is a choice only the people inthe relationship can answer. Even then, the answer may change at any point by either of you.I encourage you to also determine what the intention is underneath your telling your girlfriend she could sleep with others. Be clear with the intention and then together have continuous conversations about the expectations of opening up (i.e.: are there any kinds of sex that is off limits, areas of the body where touch or intimacy is not allowed, are uses of safer sex required or not, do you want to know the details or not, so forth). An excellent resource would be the book ""Opening Up"" by Tristan Taormino.I wish you the best of luck!Dr. Lily Zehner, MFT-C </s>"
"<s>[INST]My ex-boyfriend wouldn't let me have my daughter because I didn't know my stepdaughter's pick-up details. [/INST]  Hi. I appreciate your mature instincts and strong efforts to draw clear boundaries in this very complex situation. I agree that it sounds like the adult drama is unnecessary and potentially will affect the children.Children need adults around them to act maturely, cooperatively and peacefully even when they don't like each other; it helps them feel secure and lets them focus on learning and growing. Your ex-boyfriendseems more focused on his own needs. In fact, he demonstrates behaviours that are aggressive, controlling and manipulative, bordering on 'parental alienation'. I agree this is a problem.I also appreciate how protective you are of yourself at this vulnerable time with the pregnancy. It's not unusual for pregnancy to trigger a need to conserve energy and reduce stress. Honour this instinct you have.I will suggest a few things to you. First, to gather support around you, professionally if you need it, from family and friends, and certainly from your husband. If you two are on the same page regarding the children issues and your ex, that will help. He can help run interference when it comes to his daughter. It will help you feel supported.Know that your ex's behaviours aren't happening because you did anything wrong; it's the way he operates (and maybe this is why you're not with him?). You can't change him, but you can stop blaming yourself for his immaturity and aggression. You're correct that he will always be there, and you can both accept this fact and also find ways to manage the situation.Keep on defining clear boundaries! You might sound like a broken record (""You'll have to talk to my husband about that""), but that's okay. It's okay to ignore his efforts to pull you into an argument or power struggle. It's okay to not respond to texts or other communications that aren't vitally important. It's okay to not let him into your house if it makes you uncomfortable. It's okay to not engage with him more than is necessary.Regarding his manipulative behaviours that reflect a tendency to keep your daughter from you, I recommend you document these behaviours and incidents carefully and fully. Let him know what your expectations are, simply and clearly and in writing (""our agreement states X, and you are not following our agreement""). Your daughter doesn't have to be aware; I think you already understand that she needs to be protected from the adult conflict.A professional therapist can help you with all of this. I hope this helps get you started towards greater peace, at least within yourself. :) </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm older and just experienced heartbreak. [/INST]  Hi, San Diego.I'm sad that this was your first experience (in 25 years) with feeling in love. You deserve better. My understanding of today's (western?) social cultural norms is that it is somehow acceptable to abruptly stop communicating with someone you've been seeing, without explanation. I don't get it. It's rude. You're better off without this person around. There are still people who operate with respect, but this person isn't one of them.If I'm reading this right, you knew this person for a week? In my humble opinion, much heartache and many poorrelationships come from attaching too soon. It takes years to get to know someone deeply. I know it's hard to keep yourself from falling in love, but you owe it to your heart to take these things more slowly, because everyone puts their best self forward at the beginning and it takes time for that to relax and for you to see who they are when times are tougher and real stuff happens.If I was your therapist, I'd be curious about how this is the first time you've fallen in love? Or is it that you were in love 25 years ago? Was your heart broken then, or did something encourage your heart to close? What has kept you from either meeting people or letting yourself fall in love until now? Is there a danger that you will decide love isn't worth the risk? This is a crucial time for you to potentially seek professional support from a therapist in order to understand yourself and not shut down, if that's what happened before. :) </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm with someone, but I have unresolved feelings for my ex-boyfriend. [/INST]  If you're in a relationship and you're having strong thoughts about someone else, it's important to pay attention to that. Although you say you're happy, I'd suggest looking really carefully at the relationship you have and whether you're getting everything you need. Is there a physical connection with your ex that you don't have with your current boyfriend? It could be that your boyfriend is marvelous in many areas, but that you just don't feel excited about him for some reason. That's a pretty important element to be missing.It may be that, even if you are happy with your current boyfriend, you still hold something special for your ex. If you feel the need to see what is possible there, I think you have to tell your boyfriend about that and end it with him first. You can't have everything.If you truly feel that you want to be with your current boyfriend, you will do well to stop thinking about and focusing on your ex, because thoughts of him will interfere with the growth of your current relationship. The grass isn't greener... A therapist can help you to focus your energies and thoughts on the present, rather than an imagined version of the past or future. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My husband and I can’t talk to each other without arguing. [/INST]  Hi, Newark. It sounds to me like your husband is going through something, and I think you understand that. You might feel very helpless, sad, and disrespected at the same time. He's changed.It's unfair for him to blame you for his emotions. His mood issues are about him, not you, and he's either not recognising that or not taking responsibility for it.Are you respecting yourself here by drawing appropriate boundaries? You can let him know when you feel disrespected, and what's not okay with you.He may be experiencing depression, which often shows up as irritability in men. It could be that he's not telling you something, or he's unaware of his emotional processes. You can try a ""I'm really worried about you. You don't seem happy and I don't know how to help you. Some things are happening that aren't okay with me. Will you see a therapist?"" approach. Perhaps you could go with him the first time?It's about a combination of compassion, self-respect and seeking professional help, I believe. I wish you well. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I help my kids get along? [/INST]  That is a good question. Unfortunately there is no generic answer with this one. Kids fight for different reasons - wanting attention, wanting respect, feeling jealous, wanting space and to be left alone, or a whole bunch of other reasons. Regardless of the underlying motivations for fighting, most conflicts result from misunderstandings and assumptions about the motivations of others and one of the best ways to start figuring out what is going on is to sit them down and have some conversations with them.These conversations should be centred on getting a better understanding of why they are angry with each other and really understanding them. It is important that they each know that you are committed to understanding their experience rather than simply sitting them down and lecturing them about what they are doing wrong. The more they are able to understand each other and feel understood the more likely they will be cooperative and considerate of each other.One exercise for doing this that can be very helpful is ""active listening"" where one person speaks and the other person reflects back what they heard the other person say and then checks for understanding. This is hard to do but it often illuminates where the misunderstandings and assumptions are. If this doesn't work it may be time to get a family therapist or counsellor involved who can help facilitate dialogue and resolve conflict. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I lie to my mom about my relationship. [/INST]  I understand that this can be difficult when you care about someone. Have you had a discussion with your mom as to why she does not want you and this boy to see each other, and what her concerns are? It sounds as though you and your mom may be able to use some help with communicating, and compromising. It is understandable that you do not to feel comfortable having to lie to your mom. It would be helpful if she could understand that you having to lie to he is getting in the way of you being able to go to her with any issue and feel she will hopefully understand or try to understand where you are coming from. Have either one of you been in family therapy? This may be something you may want to suggest to your mom to help you both understand where each one is coming from. If your mood is sad, and your feeling worse, it is important that you reach out to an adult, parent, person at school whom you trust to share your feelings and help you feel understood and work through your problems. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My husband seems to be changing, and I feel angry and hurt. [/INST]  It seems that you have been very disconnected from each other which naturally could contribute to symptoms of saddness and even depression. Obviously something has shifted which you do not understand. Therefore, perhaps you should consider attending Couples therapy to help work through your concerns and feelings? It would also be beneficial to assess if in fact any depression or other underlying issue is going on. Communication is so important in any relationship and the manner in which we express ourselves to our partner can either invite curiosity and emotional connection, or shut down connection. IMAGO dialoguing is a helpful tool for couples for communication as it teaches validating and empathic listening to better heal disconnection. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Is it normal for a pregnant woman to cry over everything? [/INST]  It is very typical for pregnant moms to feel completely emotionally and extremely teary eyed, so not to worry. Biologically speaking, your body generates an influx of hormones, that affects you neurotransmitters (chemical messages to the brain) that takes you on an emotional rollercoaster, but that's a good thing for the baby. Everyone reponds differently to these changes in mood, ranging from beinganxious to being depressed. However it is mostly heightened in the first and third trimester. There is no guide as to how to handle these emotions, but engaging in various sensory activities like walking, yoga, swimming, listening to music may alleviate your mood. Embrace the emotions that go along with pregnancy and know that it is within the norm. </s>"
"<s>[INST]What can I do to keep my relationship as good as it could be? [/INST]  You may already be doing as much as possible for your relationship.Each of you are 50% of the relationship.Is the 50% which your GF contributes to your relationship, based on the same understanding of the couple's problem, as you have?Maybe a good starting place for the two of you to talk about is defining what problem the two of you have as a couple.This way, each of you will be able to know if you have similar values and definitions of your reasons for being together.Depending on what you each expect from your partnership, you each will clearly know whether, and then how, to accommodate the other person.These discussions stir a lot of emotions in each person, so that sometimes staying clear minded becomes very difficult. You both will likely feel like talking about these matters more than one time.Consider utilizing a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist who would help the two of you stay on track with examine your emotional connections in a fair and safe way.Good luck with understanding and appreciating your relationship! </s>"
"<s>[INST]My husband works all the time and neglects his family. [/INST]  I'm glad you're aware to expect more satisfaction from being part of a couple, than you currently describe yourself as having.Are you and your husband able to talk about any or all of what you've written here?His answers would be a starting point for knowing how he understands his share of your relationship and whether and how he would like making any changes.If the two of you feel too much tension in the relationship to bring up any of the topics you write about here, then ask yourself the reason for this.Very commonly, people are afraid to ask questions of their partner, even when feeling unhappy and that they'd like changes to the relationship.Often, people are fearful of harsh criticism by the partner and worry that by simply stating the reasons for feeling unhappy, will mean hearing judgments against them, spoken by the partner.It is always a good idea to utilize the services of a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist, if after trying to start a conversation on the topics you bring up here, does not go well or very far.For all of us, the emotions in our intimate relationships are deep and powerful. They are not easy to handle, especially under tension and frustration.Sending lots of good wishes for future happiness! </s>"
"<s>[INST]I always feel the need to tell people everything. [/INST]  Sorry to hear of your situation.Possibly you are overlooking that your own Self is someone worth talking to as well.None of us are ever really alone because we are always with ourselves.Self-talk is a major part of what guides our decisions and how we make sense of relationships and situations.  Even after telling people the stories or activities, hearing their comments, it is always within ourselves that we decide if the way we were received by these others, the comments we heard back, feel right and accurate to our lives.I hope the feeling of a hole in your stomach would decrease by enjoying your Self.  I am guessing that hurting yourself makes the stomach hole feel less bad because the physical pain you create in yourself distracts you from feeling it.Enjoying your Self by talking kindly, loving, and having inner dialogue may very well decrease the feeling of a hole, altogether.Sending lots of good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]My husband works all the time and neglects his family. [/INST]  Hi Ohio, The crazy things about situations like this is that, almost guaranteed, while your husband is out working and away from home, he feels he's doing it all for you and the kids; he believes he's loving you. He might feel like he's carrying his family on his shoulders. Your 'love language' is different...you'd rather spend time with him or talk to him...you want to feel like he's a bigger part of the family and feel connected to him. I absolutely understand that, and I support you asking for that.He might very well miss that feeling of connectedness too, but he's likely also feeling the weight of financial responsibility. A lot of men (and women) don't talk about this but they feel it. Sometimes they feel like they can't win either way; there's pressure to earn and pressure to be home.He has needs too; he probably wants more appreciation and less blame.I urge you to talk to him about how you feel, find out how he's feeling, and use a professional to assist you if your communication styles aren't great. Right now you WANT to spend time with him and that tells me that you have a good chance of addressing this problem successfully. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I always feel the need to tell people everything. [/INST]  Hi Kansas, I feel strongly that the help of a professional therapist is important here. Feelings are never wrong, but it can help to understand where they come from and talk to someone who can teach you healthy ways to cope. Self-harm is not the answer to managing those emotions you feel in your stomach. Although I'm glad you said something here, a professional would need to spend some time with you and get a deep understanding of your life in order to help you sort all these reactions out effectively. I hope you reach out to someone soon. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Can a mental breakdown last 10-15 minutes? [/INST]  I'm not quite sure what you're asking, because you don't define 'breakdown'. We all fall apart in little ways, and then we get to put ourselves back together however we want. Feelings come and go, and they pass through us more quickly if we have coping skills and healthy thought processes. If you're concerned about some intense periods of despair or you feel like you don't have those coping skills, a bit of work with a therapist can help you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him. [/INST]  The basic guideline for relationship satisfaction, is to know what you can and cannot live with and without. And, since you are considering marriage, for how long do you imagine yourself being satisfied living with and without certain qualities of your partner.There is a hard wired dynamic between two people that defines the basic structure of the relationship.While life is filled with surprises and can change in an instant, the basic way in which the partners of a couple, connect.Do you understand why you are not attracted to your partner? Whatever the reason, now is a good time to state this about yourself. He may be quite willing and interested in developing new ways of sexually stimulating you. Maybe he is just as shy about talking about this topic as you are. On some level he must know that he doesn't satisfy you. He may be relieved to hear you bring up the topic!As always, remember that if discussing a relationship matter feel hard to start, consider utilizing therapy services with a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist. </s>"
"<s>[INST]What can I do when I can’t stand being alone? [/INST]  Having time all to yourself may be necessary so you have time to reflect on your own identity and values, become more clear on what matters most to you, and with this increased self-understanding, be able to attract people who will feel like satisfying friends.Having a relationship with someone whom you push away and are pushed away, with someone who is irritating, seems to have limited benefit for each of you.Maybe you are together from fear of being alone, and being alone is exactly what you may now need in your life in order to draw more favorable people to you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I get some closure on an experience I regret? [/INST]  Writing about your high school masturbation times with your friend, is itself a form of acknowledging the full picture of who you are. You are doing well to reflect on your actions in the truthful way you are doing.Also positive is that you have perspective, that at your age and social maturity, you were innocently doing something that in adult terms, would be considered in a negative way.Maybe through your more mature mind's eye of today, you can feel some compassion and understanding for your high school self. This way your sense of self-judgment may start to dissolve a little bit more. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I feel like I'm this dumb fat girl that no one likes, and everything is my fault. Are these normal teenage girl feelings? [/INST]  There are some struggles that are less ""obvious"" than others, an eating disorder being one of them. From just your personal experience alone you might realize how easy it may seem to keep such a secret from those around you. In the same way, there are many people who struggle secretly with this problem and not many people know or even notice. So you are definitely not alone. Low self-esteem or lack of confidence in some areas are issues that EVERY teen, in fact EVERY person, has experienced at some point. These feelings are ""normal."" It sounds, though, as if these feelings of insecurity and inadequacy have begun to consume your every day thoughts and behaviors bringing you to where you are today - comparing yourself to others, purging, and feeling extreme guilt. Sometimes it's best if we seek outside help, instead of trying to tackle problems on our own. Breaking habits that come along with an eating disorder really requires the help of a doctor, nutritionist, and a therapist who can help change your perspective from the inside out! Hope this helps! </s>"
"<s>[INST]I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him. [/INST]  Attraction is important but sometimes over-rated. I'm curious about your comment that you are not as attracted as you ""should be"" - What is your measuring stick is for what you are supposed to feel in terms of attraction in a relationship? Do you want to be sexually intimate? Do you enjoy having sex with him? Are you satisfied with your sexual relationship when you are with him?The fact that there is lust for other more attractive men does not necessarily mean anything. There will always be attractive men and more attractive men than your partner and these attractive men will be even more appealing when you are in a long-distance relationship far from the arms of your partner. Loving someone does not mean that you stop being a sexual being who no longer notices and desires attractive men.Attraction results from a number of factors beyond appearance - including the degree to which you feel emotionally open, safe, and connected and how in tune you are with each other's bodies. It sounds like you think very highly of this man ""everything else is perfect about him"". Maybe it is worth spending some more time together in the same place if that is possible before deciding on marriage or that you are not truly in love. </s>"
"<s>[INST]In the state of New York, is it legal for someone to record a counseling session without telling the counselor or the other person in the session? [/INST]  In New York (like most states), the law generally is what's called a ""one-party consent"" rule. This means that in most cases it is legal to record a conversation as long as consent has been granted by at least one person involved in the conversation.It probably would not be illegal for a client to secretly record a counseling session without the consent of the counselor. Since only one person's consent is required, it would be sufficient that the client consented.On the other hand, it would probably be illegal for a third party to record a counseling session without the consent of the counselor or the client.Similarly, it would be a violation of ethical standards (and maybe a violation of law) for a counselor to secretly record a session without the client's consent. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Should I get a new therapist? [/INST]  It can be really frustrating to feel like your counselor is not providing you with the help you need.My recommendation in a situation like this would be to let your counselor know how you feel. Specifically tell Your counselor that you don't seem to be getting the amount of feedback you would like.If this doesn't help, then you might want to look for another counselor who will be a better fit for you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Is it appropriate to give my counselor a bottle of wine for Christmas? [/INST]  This is a great question.In general it is not appropriate for counselors to accept gifts from their clients.There are some exceptions to this general rule - including a recognition that there may be a valid cultural aspect to this type of gift giving.It might be best to simply offer your counselor a holiday card as an expression of your feelings. You could also talk to your counselor about the gift and ask if him it if would be appropriate.In the end, I know he would most appreciate just knowing how much the counseling meant to you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I think my wife is running from the pain of losing our first born. [/INST]  I'm sorry that you lost your first born child. Death of a child always leaves a permanent reminder to the parents of a very painful time in their lives.The good news is your awareness that you and your wife are not connected in a satisfying way.There are many possible areas to examine in your relationship as partners and as parents.If what you write here are your observations and theories about your wife's outlook and conclusions, then the first step is to directly have conversations together on the topics you write here.What needs clarifying is what her reasons are for wanting to leave the marriage.Often, a crisis such as a child's death, motivates someone to look deeply into other intimate relationships. Keep in mind that looking deeply doesn't necessarily mean leaving the marriage.Also, be aware of your own frustrations and marital discontent. Be ready to talk about your feelings and uncertainties.There is no such thing as one happy partner in a marriage and one unhappy partner.  Each person is part of a system and can only be as satisfied as their partner.The conversations that open relationship hurts and disappointments, hold a lot of emotion. They are difficult to keep on track.Best recommendation is to find a couples therapist who will be neutral to each of you as individuals, and help both of you examine the true health of the relationship. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I stop obsessively checking if my boyfriend is cheating? [/INST]  Hi Greenville, I respect that you're owning your own overreactions, and that you want to give your boyfriend the respect he deserves. The truth is that some people cheat, and some don't, and our partners deserve the benefit of the doubt unless they show signs they can't be trusted.The answer here is in two different areas. Basically, if you want to feel differently (more trusting, in your case), you look at your thoughts, and your behaviours.Your thoughts are stuck... like tires in deep ruts in the road. These thoughts are only habits, they don't reflect the truth. Fear is probably whispering in your ear things like ""everyone cheats"", or "" you're not enough for him"". Once you figure out what fear is trying to tell you, picture those words in red next time they come up. Ask yourself what the evidence is that supports that thought (there won't be much...perhaps none), and what is the evidence that doesn't support it (I know lots of good men, I know I deserve love and loyalty, there is no sign of infidelity...). You're learning to refute the thoughts that are connected to the fear. That's the first half. Practise these thoughts.The rest of the work is in your behaviours. Act as though you trust him. Force yourself to not check or interrogate, and the less you check, the less obsessive and untrusting you will feel. Acting ""as if"" something if true strangely helps us believe it.It's possible to change the way we think, and this is turn changes the way we feel. Try this to start, and see a therapist for support and cognitive behavioural therapy if you want to dive more deeply into why this is happening and how to stop it. Good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Why am I so nervous talking to people? [/INST]  Hi. I'm glad you wrote, because I think a lot of people have this same issue (to different degrees) and we don't talk about it much. You have some social anxiety that is a bit beyond what the average person might feel. Most people have some amount of worry about what others might think of them, and this probably prevents us from making complete fools of ourselves so that's a good thing. But your ""alarm system"" is out of whack and you are spending too much time worrying about how you come across. As you age you understand this more, and it's true...that other people really aren't thinking about you much or monitoring you at all; they're too busy having the same thoughts you're having! Am I good enough? Do people like me, judge me...think I'm weird? We're all concerned about how we come across far more than how others come across. Like many people, you lack compassion for yourself, acceptance of yourself and confidence in yourself.My gut says that these things came from somewhere in your past. Our sensitivities usually come from (as well as genetics) a specific time in our life when we experienced or felt something that was overwhelming and we end up with an alarm system that overreacts at times. Without more details, it's difficult to go further here. I recommend you see a therapist who does cognitive behavioural therapy, which can help you understand the roots of your fears and learn how to manage them more successfully. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Should I get a new therapist? [/INST]  Hi Anaheim,Relationships with therapists have some things in common with other relationships; they work best if there is dialogue about what your hopes, thoughts, emotions and needs are. Are you letting your therapist know what your goals are? It's okay to say ""I'd really like us to focus on this piece"", or ""I'm looking for specific direction about how to manage this part"". Your therapist is wise if they ask questions that determine what your needs are, but they can't read your mind.Not every therapist will be a good fit for you. I know I'm not a good fit for everyone I meet. We have different styles; some are more passive and focus on listening. This might be the type of therapist you have. For some people this is what they want, but maybe it's not for you. Maybe you want someone who digs at you more, asks more questions, gives you strategies, lets you know what they think... someone more active. If this is the case, it doesn't mean s/he's a bad therapist...it's just not what you're looking for.Sometimes people think they can't end sessions with their therapist; they might be worried about hurt feelings. But, in the end, you don't owe your therapist anything if you feel it's not working or it's not a good match. Just move on and try someone new. Maybe ask them questions first about their style, even.Best of luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]My fiancé is trying to hide that he's texting his ex-girlfriend. [/INST]  Oh Chino, I only have half the picture here so I will be cautious. There's a chicken and an egg, and I don't know which came first. One thing I see clearly is that your fiance will always have to have communications with his ex, because they have children. Can you accept that?When suspicion and insecurity come along, your job is to look at the big picture and the real picture. Is there any real evidence that he is cheating? Remember that texting his ex is not evidence alone if the communications are about the kids. Has he earned your trust? If so, then it's not fair to punish him for the betrayals of others. He's not your ex. Reassure your heart that you are his priority if the larger evidence supports that.At the same time, you can let him know what your triggers are. For example, hiding his phone doesn't send you a good message, right?See, this is the chicken and the egg...is he hiding the phone because you've been overreacting when he gets a text? So let him know you won't blow up about him getting a text if he doesn'tconceal or password his phone. Transparency helps build trust. You have sensitivities, and it helps you a lot if he's aware of them and willing to try not to do things that trigger fear.Let him know when you get scared, and hopefully he'll give you the openness and security you need in order to trust him and act as if you trust him. :) </s>"
"<s>[INST]Is it appropriate to give my counselor a bottle of wine for Christmas? [/INST]  Hi,Different therapists are guided by the ethical guidelines of their own associations or colleges when it comes to receiving gifts, so this may differ a bit from therapist to therapist. It's important to me that I be sensitive to cultural norms, and to my client's needs. In Canada, and the US, it is customary for people to sometimes express gratitude with a small gift, and I have from time to time received small tokens of appreciation because I believe it would be rude to refuse this. It is never necessary to give a therapist a gift, but if you wish to express your gratitude in this way, I don't think it's inappropriate. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm scared to go to a doctor or take anti-depressants. [/INST]  I admire your courage for stating your view about anti-depressants. Questioning mainstream thinking and being in touch with your own views, are signs of strength and clarity in a person.As a therapist, I always tell my patients to avoid anti-depressants.Their effectiveness is in suppressing a person's mood and feelings. If someone does not know how they are feeling, then they will have more difficulty in understanding themselves, their uncertainties and hesitations, and overall, how they relate to others and what they expect from others.Anti-depressants mask how someone feels.In a crisis, temporarily taking anti-depressants may be helpful. If someone is so overwhelmed that they are not functioning, then suppressing unhappy feelings so that the person can get through a day, may be of benefit for a short while.Basically, respect and follow your own opinion about anti-depressants.  Your view is shared by many.  It is a minority opinion, and very valid.If you would like to shop for a therapist, ask the person on the phone, what their opinions are about anti-depressants.Ideally, you will eventually find a therapist who thinks in a way which is similar to you, or at least similar enough that you will have a sense that you are able to trust working with them on whatever you define as problematic.I hope you will have an easy and productive therapist search! </s>"
"<s>[INST]I have an old roommate who might be a psychopath. [/INST]  You may intuitively be sensing what many professionals in the social sciences and psychology have already understood.Just Google ""psychopaths and leadership"" and many articles come up about boardroom politics and that psychopaths are very successful in these roles.Theoretically, is it terrible that corporate leadership qualities match those of psychopaths? Well, yes. And, I consider your question as a mark of your sensitive awareness toward other people. Being able to recognize social dynamics, is a strength that you have.Psychopaths know how to be charming and to twist words so that others believe that their own interest is the same as the psychopath's.I agree with you about not being able to change people's minds who are attached to this person's interactions.The only way you can introduce a change in the relationship system of a psychopath is that if you are aware of illegal or law breaking activity, and you have evidence of this, that you contact relevant authorities.No one is allowed to break laws, including psychopaths. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I control my anger? [/INST]  Sometimes we react to situations immediately, without thinking of the consequences of our actions. Typically by not reacting right away, we are better able to gather our thoughts, see the situation more clearly and from other perspectives, and respond more calmly. One of the strategies that almost always helps is deep breathing. When faced with a stressful situation, you can give yourself a time out by removing yourself from the stress and spend 5 minutes taking deep breaths (breathe in slowly counting to 4 and breathe out even slower counting to 6), while focusing and thinkingonly about your breathing. After doing so, think of the various ways you can respond to the situation and choose the one most appropriate. Good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]My ex-boyfriend is with someone new, and it hurts. [/INST]  I am very sorry for the pain you are suffering. Losing the mostsignificant person in your life is extremely painful and breakups are often equated to a death. There will certainly be a grieving process that you go through and time passing will allow the hurt to subside. With that being said, seeing a therapist is highly recommended as it sounds like continuous supportmay be necessary for healing to take place. Anytimesadness causes thoughts of suicide or self harm, it is important to get help immediately.A therapist can help you by validating your feelings and what you are goingthrough, while also working with you to move through the grieving process, adopt new hobbies, social outlets, and goals for your future. While starting over and trying out new ways of being may seem like a daunting task,it will only make things easier and give you asense of hope and purpose for your future. With the new year right around the corner, this could be viewed as a good time and opportunity to get reaquainted with yourself and set goals relatedto living a more fullfilling life. Hang in there. Witha support system in place and a healthy mindset, things can only get easier.Best of luck to you! </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I have a better relationship with my father? [/INST]  Thanks for the question. Regardless of whether or not you are sensitive, it is okay to want better communication with those who are important to you. When we feel that we are being talked down to or being ridiculed, it is difficult to not take it personally. It sounds like you have taken the first and necessary step in resolving this by bringing up the issue to him. Is it possible that the delivery of your message is causing him to feel blamed or defensive? Try communicating with him during a time when you are not upset and when it is out of context. Begin your statements with""I"" as opposed to ""you."" For example, you can tell him, ""I feel angry whenyou raise your voice at me"" instead of ""Youalways yell at me."" Also, avoid using black and white terms such as never and always. Additionally, offer sugggestions as to ways that he can better communicate with you. Maybe he just doesn't know how to.Lastly, when delivering a message, I like to use the sandwich method by starting off the discussionwith something postive and ending it with something postive. For example, you may say something to the effect of:""Dad, Ienjoy the discussions we share and really value your opinion. There are times thatI feel angry when you talk to me aggressively. Perhaps you can try talking to me using a calmer tone when I bring up heated topics. Let's try and work on this together. I will try to be less sensitive and I am asking that you be more calm.""I hope you find this useful! </s>"
"<s>[INST]I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him. [/INST]  Hi Montgomery,Your first sentence says it all. He might be an amazing person, but there's something missing for you. I'm curious...you say this is a long distance relationship. Did you make a connection through social media or email first? Maybe a dating website? I'm just wondering if this is the case. These modern ways of meeting people are awesome because we can be exposed to a wide variety of people who we never would meet in the grocery store or a friend's party. There are complications, though, and one of the drawbacks is you can feel very connected to someone and care about them a great deal before you ever meet them in person. Then, when you finally meet them and there isn't that spark of magnetic physical attraction, you're in a bit of a difficult spot because you've already established that you're drawn to each other in other ways; you're already connected. It can be very awkward then to say ""Now that I meet you, it doesn't feel the way it should for me"". In the future, I suggest meeting up in person early on, to answer that crucial question ""Are we physically attracted to each other?"". Clearly, this is not only important for you, but it is for most of us.My guess is that you feel you owe this man your affection and commitment even though you're not really all that into him (lusting after other men is a sign of that), because you like absolutely everything else about him. But honesty is crucial here, both with yourself and this man. Just because you don't find yourself attracted to him doesn't mean that you're a bad person, or that he's not attractive. Someone else might drool over him and I think he deserves someone who does just that. You can have both love and lust. For most people, only one of them isn't enough. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My husband doesn't trust me. [/INST]  Hi Louisiana,It's normal when trust has been broken in the past for fear and insecurities to come up from time to time. His reactions may not mean that he doesn't trust you, but rather that he gets scared that he's going to be hurt again.You're a bit vague about the past. You don't say whether you cheated or not. If you did, then you might try taking an approach where you a) take responsibility for your past actions, b) show an understanding of and compassion for his pain about that, c) do everything you can to demonstrate trust and show that he is your priority, and d) reassure him when he says he's scared or feeling insecure. I'm suggesting that part of healing is you having tolerance of his emotions and demonstrating that you're so confident you can be faithful that you can handle his moments of fear. This is what he and the marriage need in order to heal from the attachment injury.Part of the issue might be that when he brings it up, he's coming across as angry, accusing or suspicious, rather than scared and insecure. This often happens. A therapist can help both of you understand that fear is behind the anger, and it works best if he shows you his vulnerable emotions rather than the anger (which is also natural, but less helpful in those moments), and then you can more easily recognise the cue for you to reassure him.As much as you want to forget about it, he might need to talk about it sometimes, and that's normal. His needs are important. Also important, however, is your need for respect. If he approaches it in a disrespectful way, that's a separate problem. If it's brought up as a weapon, used to shut you down, or used to control or punish, those are unhealthy ways of dealing with past hurts. You can both offer compassion to him and use your sense of boundaries to protect yourself from being flogged with the past.A qualified therapist can help you sort through this trick territory. Best of luck. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I stop abusing alcohol? [/INST]  You may feel hopeless but YOU are not hopeless. Addictions of any sort are difficult to overcome, especially when they serve to bury pain and suffering that one is experiencing. It is not impossible to overcome alcohol or drug use/abuse/dependence on your own, but you will likely find much greater success with the help of a therapist or other support system such as rehabilitation or Alcoholics Anonymous. I suggest doing a bit of research to see what type of helpis available and feasible for you in your area and go from there. Know that recovery takes time, willingness, and effort. Don't give up and remember that you are not hopeless. You can make the choice to change your habits and learn new ways of healthy coping. Best of luck to you! </s>"
"<s>[INST]My husband doesn't trust me. [/INST]  It is incredibly frustrating to not be trusted when you know you are doing nothing wrong. If the lack of trust on your husband's end has to do with something you did in the past, then be patient and give it time. Once trust is broken it takes time and effort to gain it back. Try seeing the situation from your husband's perspective, as often times looking at situations from different angles, gives us new understanding and insight. Remember that you can't change how he feels, but you can help him to regain the trust by asking him what he needs and responding to his needs as best you can. Seeing a couple's counselor is never a bad idea and it would also be beneficial for you and or/your husband to seek out individual therapy. There may be other unknown factors that you are unaware of that are contributing to the trust issues and inability to resolve them. Hope everything works out for you! </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I find myself? [/INST]  What exactly is it that you are looking for? Different people define themselves in different ways. For example, one person may define himself by his values and morals while another identifies herself by her personality and characteristics. Still, another person may define himself by his interests and hobbies. Learning who you are as a person can take time and life experience. At the same time, who you are may change according to what experiences you have had and how you have dealt with them or felt about them. Try viewing the journey of finding yourself as exciting and ongoing. Allow yourself to feel emotions and learn how they relate to theexperiences you have. This may help youto know more about what you value, what you like and dislike, and what you want for yourself in life.Best of luck to you! </s>"
"<s>[INST]My husband doesn't trust me. [/INST]  I'm sorry to hear about the trust issues in your relationship. Trust, as you clearly know, is essential to healthy relationships. Past indiscretions or dishonesty can damage this trust and make it really hard to confidence that these things will not happen again despite reassurances. We tend to be very sensitive to betrayal and risks to our relationship security.Rebuilding trust takes time and effort for both parties. On your end, you may need to provide more reassurance and more concrete evidence that you are trustworthy, gestures of transparency (e.g. - giving him more information about where you are going and who you will be with, letting him know when you get texts or emails from people that might give him pause or trigger insecurities), and more patience and empathy for his fears.On his end, he may need to learn to be with his insecurities and fears and ask for reassurance about your love and commitment in ways that do not lead to criticizing you, attempting to control you, or limiting your freedom.If you are not able to come to agreements about how to put his fears to rest without it negatively impacting your life, I would suggest getting some professional help from a marriage counsellor or couples therapist. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I get over a coworker? [/INST]  It sounds like a tricky situation. If you want to maintain your friendship and continue to have regular contact with him, getting over him may not be possible. What makes it even trickier is that his actions (hugs and touching) may be misleading and are allowing you to believe that a romantic relationship is possible. Some ways in which we naturally get over others are when we fall in love with someone else or when we suddenly see the person we like in a more negative or unattractive light. If you truly want to force yourself to get over him, cutting contactor setting strict boundaries may be necessary. If you don't see him, over time you can begin to forget about him. If you set boundaries by discontinuing to allow the hugs and touches, you will not feel mislead orhave the idea in your mind that he is being flirtatious or interested.It would be difficult to continue the relationship as is and expect your feelingsto change. Thus, being proactive by talking to him about boundaries or cutting contact with him are two things you can do that will likely help you to get over him. Good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]My husband doesn't trust me. [/INST]  The good news in the way you're feeling is recognizing that your husband's trust of your actions, makes a difference to you.The typical therapy formula for restoring trust between two people after some sort of betrayal, is for the one who has broken the trust, to earn it back.Restoring trust requires both persons to actively involve themselves in this process.The person who tires earning back trust, must know what standards for this, of the one who was betrayed.The person who feels betrayed must willingly be open minded to accepting the efforts of the one who tries earning back their trust.As simple as this formula sounds, the actual process of restoring trust raises a lot of emotion on both sides, therefore causing difficulty in keeping discussions in this area, on track.The best way of success in restoring trust between partners, is utilizing a couples therapist who would be able to guide your conversations back on track, and also open emotions for discussion when relevant to restoring trust.Good luck in establishing new terms with your partner! </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I get over a coworker? [/INST]  How frustrating to want a relationship with someone who does not feel similarly!The person who needs to be at the top of your list of those whose interest you consider, is yourself.Most often, staying engaged in dialogue, affection, sex, with someone who has different reasons than you have, for doing so, creates longing, frustration and sadness.Since the guy has told you he would like limiting his involvement with you, more than likely you will be protecting yourself from disappointed wishes, by taking his words seriously.Since you've made your interest in him clear, it sound like he's taking advantage of what you're willing to offer him.As long as he's not reciprocating with the involvement you'd like, why continue being available to him?The one area that is open to you in a positive way, is to understand which qualities of this guy you find attractive.By understanding more about your own interests about a potential partner, the stronger you will be able to step away from those who would like you for their reasons, which have nothing or very little in common with yours.Good luck with defining the qualities of a partner with who you will feel fulfilled by sharing yourself. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I see a therapist without having healthcare? [/INST]  Depending on your area and location, there may be therapists who provide services on a sliding scale. Additionally, churches will often timesoffer counseling for free or for a small fee. I suggest doing a simple Google search and contact therapists in your area. It never hurts to ask for a reduced fee and even if he or she is unable to provide the service, they may be able to refer you to someone who can.  </s>"
"<s>[INST]Should I break up with my live-in girlfriend? [/INST]  Hi Fort Worth, I applaud your awareness and insight into the relationship. Most of us come into relationships carrying old baggage and although you can't change her, what you can do, is change yourself. We can usually begin to understand ourselves better in the context of our own upbringings. That is where we learn what a relationship looks like and it is often not the best teacher. I wonder about your jealously, insecurity, feeling trapped and a lack of trust. Has that ever showed up anywhere before? It has more to do with you and less to do with her.  Your relationship with her is tapping into unresolved issues within yourself. That is really where you want to focus. Once you understand it and resolve it, you will no longer need to ask anyone else what to do, because you will know. You are young and just getting started in the relationship world and the healthier you are, the better you will know what healthy looks like.  Know yourself, understand yourself and love yourself. The rest will take care of itself. Finding a Therapist can be a big help in this process. You are asking the question, so I suspect you are ready to look at the man in the mirror. I believe in you and am wishing you all the best.Sandra Cooper, RN, LPCMH </s>"
"<s>[INST]Should I break up with my live-in girlfriend? [/INST]  Are you possibly mixing up an impulse to nurture and protect someone, such as by offering housing, and your own need to feel loved and appreciated as a romantic partner?Maybe your feeling of jealousy is really your awareness of a reasonable need to be loved by a partner.Even though you are quite detailed in your description of your partner, one piece which is missing, is whether you feel you are loved by her.Maybe too, what she considers your insecurity, is really her unwillgness to love you.It's always easier to put distance between two people by insulting them.I hope this gives you a few new ways to look at your situation.A few therapy sessions, either by yourself or together w your gf, would give you more chance to know more deeply what it is you are facing. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm scared of hurting my boyfriend after he had a cyst removed from his testicles. [/INST]  Are you talking with your boyfriend about his doctor advises on starting to have sex again?Being able to talk together about topics that involve both of you, will establish a new type of intimacy on an emotional level.Also, there are many ways of making love. If your bf's cyst hasn't yet healed, then another way of both increasing your emotional intimacy and learning different love making suggestions, is to read about these together with him.I hope the two of you enjoy learning new ways of sexually taking care of one another, while developing more emotional closeness in the process. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My parents are threatening to send me away if I don't play basketball for a team I hate. [/INST]  The situation in your family seems to place unnecessary pressure on you.Are you and your parents able to talk together about their reason for their standard?Are your parents willing to listen to your reasons to not play on the team you hate?If yes, then maybe some type of compromise is possible for all of you to negotiate.If none of the above is possible, then you may want to get specific and direct advice from a professional, such as the school guidance counselor or psychologist, whom you'd trust and feel safe in talking.I hope you and your parents will find an answer that all of you are happy to accept. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I get my boyfriend to see my point of view when we argue? [/INST]  It is extremely frustrating when our significant other doesn't understand our points of view. Often times, arguments are not the best opportunities to try and make a point, as strong emotions can get in the way of understanding others' perspectives.Try having a discussion with him about what is bothering you during a time when neither if you are upset or arguing. Communicate how you feel without placing blame and without yelling. Addionally, give him ideas of what he can do differently so that he understands what your expectations are. Lastly, consider seeing a couple's therapist who can assist with teaching more effective communication techniques. Best of luck. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Should I break up with my live-in girlfriend? [/INST]  It sounds like there are assumptions being made regarding how she feels about you and why she is with you. I would not suggest breaking up with her without first attempting to resolve your own issues. You may not only regret your decision, but might find that the exact same problem arises in future relationships. I would recommend seeing a therapist who can help you figure out what is at the root of all of this. By learning about your own insecurities and where they come from, you can expect to discover new ways of responding and relating to others, which will likely impact your relationship in a positive manner. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Relationships cause me anxiety and nausea. [/INST]  Hi Helena,I felt a bit sad when I read this. This is a new term for me... ""semi-relationship"". What does it mean? I know that today's culture for young people is more of a ""hook-up"" culture than a dating one. Maybe that means that you develop connections to people but you keep yourself from hoping for a full relationship because no one is doing that anymore. That makes me feel sad. I hear a lot of young women (I'm not sure you're female, but that's my guess) say that they struggle with hook-ups because they can't let themselves hope for a phone call after a hook-up. Research tells us that, after a hook-up, college age women tend to feel used and unworthy, and men tend to feel guilty. I think this scenario works better for men than women, but many of both genders are left unsatisfied in the end.This is only one possible explanation for your anxiety...that your gut knows that it wants to feel fully coupled with someone but you struggle with whether it's okay to want or expect that.Maybe take a moment and listen to anxiety. Anxiety tends to try to convince us that something's wrong with us or something bad's going to happen. Anxiety sometimes prefers to stay vague (it's more difficult to refute it then), but you can try to clarify it's whisperings by asking yourself these questions: What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that might happen here? Then what might happen, and what would be the worst part of that? Keep going until you find the very worst thing that might happen? Might someone not want you...might you feel rejected...or feel not good enough...you might get hurt?Then when you find that core fear, you can look at your life and I bet you'd find a place where that idea or fear originated. A big moment (or many smaller ones) when you actually DID feel or get rejected or abandoned or hurt. In the end, it's a feeling you're trying to avoid (not life or relationship), and anxiety is trying to help you avoid it by making you overcautious. But this doesn't work for you! Good! With the help of a qualified therapist, you can learn to talk back to anxiety and move forward in life and love with calm. confidence. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I get my boyfriend to see my point of view when we argue? [/INST]  Hi Moore, Underneath all your anger is a lot of hurt. The hurt is there because you are being disrespected. Your boyfriend (unless you've only told me a small, disproportionate part of the bigger picture) doesn't tend to treat you like you're important and he dismisses your emotions. This is happening because this is the level of ability (disability?) he has right now in a relationship. You can expect more of this behaviour (because that's who he is; it has nothing to do with you), and I hope you think carefully about whether it's working for you to be in this.You could try telling him that you are hurt, because people tend to listen more to hurt than to anger, but my guess is with him it might not make a difference. I hope you talk to someone who knows and supports you about how you're feeling in this relationship. </s>"
"<s>[INST]What can i do if there is no trust in our relationship? [/INST]  Hi Louisiana,You say that the problems are with your ""past"", but my hunch is the problems are about his insecurity and his personal barriers to trust (unless you've recently revealed details of a sordid past?). You don't mention ever having hurt the trust in the relationship.Trust is the first stage in a relationship. Moving forward before they develop trust is a common mistake couples make, and now you two have involved children in a relationship that's missing a crucial element. But you didn't see this coming, did you? That's because only as we become emotionally intimate do our deeper fears and insecurities come to the surface.I give you credit for wanting it to work, and I believe you would benefit from the support of a therapist in working through the kinks related to trust. Good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]I lie to my mom about my relationship. [/INST]  Hi Los Angeles, I can tell you have a moral backbone because it's hurting you to lie to your mom. I always say that a little bit of guilt is healthy because it teaches us who we want to be. Listen to that voice. You don't have to lie to your mom to get what you want.Now, you don't say how old you are, so part of my answer is going to be a bit vague. There's a big difference between being thirteen and your mom telling you what to do and being nineteen and your mom telling you what to do. The thing is that moms and dads start out making all your decisions for you when you're small, and they're supposed to, very gradually, give that control over to you. Different parents do this at different speeds, but in general you have to earn that freedom and trust...it's not just gonna be handed over to you.You might not like this part...your parent has the right to make the rules. My guess is there's a reason why mom is holding you back. Even if it doesn't make sense to you, breaking her rules isn't going to get you what you want...which is freedom, right? I guarantee you that mom wants you to eventually earn freedom...but she's not supposed to give it to you until you're ready because her first job is to keep you safe.I like that your mom has limits for you. Too many parents are sort of looking the other way, busy with their own thing. Whether you know it or not, you need protection like all kids do (appropriate for your age, of course).It sounds like what you want to say to your mom is ""I want to make my own decisions about who I spend time with"". That's a normal wish, and I encourage you to say that to her. Depending on your age and whether you've earned it, she might listen.So, you're sending her that message that you want to send, but you're doing it in a sneaky way, and that's not going to go well when she finds out. It's called ""passive aggressive"" when you say something with a sneaky behaviour rather than with words. It's not a very healthy way of sending a message, because people feel disrespected.My guess is that your best bet is to be honest with mom, stop the sneaking around and come up with a detailed plan of how you're going to earn your freedom...eventually. She might listen to that. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I’ve suffered from insomnia and nightmares for about 3 years [/INST]  Youre noticing that as you lie down to go to sleep, thereis quite a bit going on, which may be anxiety related. It sounds like thedreams and difficulty sleeping are reminiscent of previous experiences you hadaround the time of your break up, the difficulty with your fathers business,and your mothers health issues. These connections to past events may beimportant insights to continue exploring in addition to finding out more aboutwhat your dreams may be trying to tell you. There is no exact science todreams, but many people find it fruitful to explore the content as it relates tosignificant themes in their lives. I think that exploring these issues further witha therapist could help you resolve whatever is causing you the stress, trouble sleeping, and frightening dreams. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm studying abroad, and I'm depressed. [/INST]  It sounds like you are feeling very unsure and out of place and the prospect of continuing to feel as you do now for the remainder of schooling seems daunting. Without getting to know more about you and your experiences here and at home, it is hard to say what you should do, however, I think exploring these things with a competent therapist may help you to discover the answer. </s>"
"<s>[INST]What do I do about a cousin who makes me feel belittled, insecure and frustrated? [/INST]  It sounds like you are feeling pretty criticized by your cousin and at the same time you are wondering whether or not there is some truth in what she is saying. It also sounds like you would like to see if you can find a new way to relate to your cousin, so that your relationship can be more satisfying. If you can find a competent therapist to work with, there may be a great deal of opportunity to learn more about how you relate to people in the world and to learn strategies to show up in your relationship with your cousin in a way that feels right to you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I get over a coworker? [/INST]  It sounds like you have mixed feelings and motivations - which is understandable. On the one hand you want to get over him, on the other you are still holding out hope for something more. It will be really hard to let go of him and create friend boundaries so long as there is a part of you holding on to the idea of something more. If you are being really honest with yourself you might need to acknowledge that you are not really striving to get him out of your system - that you have not really given up hope of having a relationship with him. If you are whole-heartedly committed to moving past the sexual and romantic parts of your relationship and just having a friendship than refraining from all the touching would be a good place to start. It is hard to ""just be friends"" when all your sex and bonding hormones are coursing through your veins. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do you cope with the death of your child, while surrounded with your parents who aren't supportive and disregard your feelings? [/INST]  First of all, I am very sorry to hear about your loss, which must be very painful. It sounds like in addition to the loss, you are also feeling invalidated by your parents and alone with your grief. Grieving is a very personal and sometimes complex process which many people are ill equipped to support us through. If you can get the support of a competent therapist, this may be quite valuable in helping work through this process. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I make myself happy without someone who made me happy? [/INST]  It sounds like you have been feeling pretty down, since the loss of a relationship, and you're wondering how to be happy by yourself. Intimacy is a very natural human desire and at the same time learning to enjoy ourselves, even when we are alone, can strengthen our ability to lead a satisfying life in and out of relationship. Working with a therapist, you may be able to gain insight into how you show up in your relationships with yourself and others and discover more fulfilling ways to do so. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm overwhelmed and depressed [/INST]  It sounds like you are feeling like things are hopeless and out of control and you're not sure what to do about it. If you can find a competent therapist to work with, together you may be able to come up with some strategies for alleviating the overwhelming distress that you are experiencing and gain some insight into what may be contributing to these challenges. Additionally, a therapist may be able to support you in getting back on your feet in regards to work, a place to live, and showing up with your partner in a way that will be more satisfying to you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I deal with anger problems towards my mom [/INST]  Anger is a natural and healthy emotion, however, it can be difficult to deal with if it becomes overwhelming and depending on what we have been taught about it and how to express it. A competent therapist may be able to help you figure out ways to relate to your anger and your mother that will feel right to you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My husband yells “enough” when I tell him he needs to change [/INST]  I empathize with your feeling ""crazy"" hearing your husband yell ""enough"" in response to you wanting to make a point to him.When the immediate situation has calmed down, have you ever told him that this upsets you? Is it possible he simply is not aware that you feel upset by how he talks to you?Keep in mind too that what you believe your husband must change, may not agree with his opinion on what he needs to change.A helpful starting place for the two of you to discuss once the immediate situation has calmed down, is what you each feel would have been a reasonable way of handling the situation that just happened.By learning more about how the other person thinks and feels, it will be easier to know what to expect form each other.Even if you disagree about what is best, knowing that there are differences between you may make living with them easier to accept, or at least not be surprised and startled by them.Sending good luck to both of you! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Is it acceptable for me to find another home for my boyfriend's dog? [/INST]  Every living creature needs time and support to adjust to a new situation.The dog is in a new place without the ability to understand the reason. This may explain what sounds like the dog's agitation. Have you spoken with your boyfriend on his opinion on how to address the dog behavior problems?Finding an answer together would be a good way of making your relationship stronger. Alot of being a couple who live together is talking, listening and deciding together on how to handle major situations.If it is affordable, then a dog behaviorist may be of great help. The person would guide you in working with the dog to become calmer. </s>"
<s>[INST]Why do I see things that are not actually there? [/INST]  It's important to make an appointment with a neurologist and ophthalmologist ASAP for evaluation.There are medical conditions that can create this effect. </s>
"<s>[INST]How do I know if I have social anxiety? [/INST]  If you are noticing that anxiety tends to be triggered around interactions with others, then you may have social anxiety. Working with a therapist, you may be able to gain insight into the nature of the anxiety, develop tools for coping with it, and take steps that may alleviate it over time, so that you can enjoy your interactions with others. If you are short on money, there still may be options for you to be able to see a therapist. Check with your insurance provider about your behavioral health coverage. If you have medicaid/apple care, there are some private practice therapists who accept this form of insurance, as well as community clinics which do. If you are not insured, some therapists and clinics will work on a sliding fee scale, and accept either low fee or may even work with you pro-bono (for free). </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I deal with parental figures who have hurt me? [/INST]  It sounds like you have been thinking about how past hurts have influenced you, and when you try to talk about these hurts with people in your life, you are feeling invalidated. It also sounds like current conflicts are continuing to leave you feeling hurt and devalued. In working with a therapist, you may be able to get some clarity about your past, who you are, and what kinds of boundaries you want in your relationships, so that you can lead a life that is more satisfying to you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My husband yells “enough” when I tell him he needs to change [/INST]  It's hard to say what is okay and what is not okay, as it depends on what you and your husband feel is appropriate in your relationship. If you are feeling like you need to walk on eggshells or that you can't speak your mind and say how you feel, then that sounds like a problem. I would recommend having an open discussion with your husband about communication between the two of you in general. Do this during a time when there is little or no conflict and emotions are not heightened. Let him know how you feel and give him specific ideas of how you would like him to respond instead of saying, ""enough."" Additionally, try and see his perspective and understand why he shuts you down. Perhaps, he feels like he is being told what to do constantly or that he gets little positive feedback from you. An opendialogue about how to discuss issues going forward will likely help. Seeing a couple's therapist will also greatly assist with teaching better communication skills and seeing if there are underlying issues that need resolution. Best of luck to you guys. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Does my fiancée need a service dog? [/INST]  It sounds like you have been a positive support for your fiancee. There is no doubt that this situation is a great challenge for the both of you. While it may feel like you are responsible for her health and happiness, it is important that you understand that you, on your own, won't be able to resolve her mental health issues. Based on what you have explained, it sounds like she needs to get a medical and/or psychiatric evaluation. Whether or not she decides to take medication is her (and your) decision, but keeping an open mind about treatment options is important. I suggest that she see a therapist on her own in order to better understand and cope with her anxiety and depression, especially given her suicidal thoughts. You would also likely benefit from therapy, individual or couple's therapy, in order to address how you are feeling andbest learn how to support her and your relationship. I wish the very best for both of you and hope that things will improve sooner than later. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I’ve been separated from my husband for six months and he still has not filed for divorce. [/INST]  In any relationship, including marriage, each partner will be better able to do their part, by understanding their own interests and wishes.Concentrate more on what you'd like from your marriage. This will naturally raise the questions and criteria of what to talk with your husband about and what to ask of him.Think over whether you wish to divorce or not.Since he hasn't taken any action, then for the moment, you can assume he is not sure of what he wants.Once you feel a little more clear on your opinion about your marriage, including feeling uncertain if you'd like it to end or continue, then you will be able to tell your husband the suggestions you have for resolving the dispute matter and emotions.Try to re-direct your speculations about, ""what does he want"", ""I wonder what he's thinking"", back to answering these very reasonable questions, about yourself.This will strengthen your own purpose in clarifying where to start and guide a discussion with him.Good luck! </s>"
<s>[INST]How do I find myself? [/INST]  Therapy may be an effective way for you to get a stronger sense of who you are. A competent therapist will work to create a safe and curious therapeutic relationship in which you can explore your identity. There are also many different exercises which you can do in and out of therapy which you may find helpful in this area as well. </s>
"<s>[INST]I have come to the realization that my boyfriend and I want different things [/INST]  It sounds like you have some insight into the cycle that you describe with your current relationship and at the same time you are still feeling stuck. It also sounds like the distressing feelings that you experience, when you imagine what will happen for you and your current partner, are pretty overwhelming. A competent therapist may be able to help you work through these difficult thoughts and feelings and find a resolution to this cycle that will feel right to you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Sleeping, Anger and Anxiety [/INST]  It sounds like you are noticing yourself becoming overwhelmed with anxiety, feeling more irritable, and struggling to sleep consistently. There are many possibilities, in regards to what may be contributing to these things you are noticing, and a competent therapist may be able to help. In therapy, you may be able to gain insight into these experiences as well as develop strategies for coping with and eventually alleviating anxiety, irritability, and inconsistent sleep. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Does my friend have depression? [/INST]  First of all, I can tell that you really care about your friend and I think it's great that you are reaching out with your concern. It's hard to determine whether your friend would meet the criteria for an official diagnosis of depression without working with him, however, whether he does or not, therapy may be beneficial for him in working through these difficult feelings and relational challenges. Unfortunately, you can't make your friend get help. He will ultimately need to make that decision for himself, however, you can talk to him about your concerns and your hopes that he will reach out for help. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I always feel depressed. [/INST]  Hi Ohio,I'm so glad you reached out. I urge you to talk to someone close to you, today, about your feelings, and to also seek professional help for your serious thoughts and feelings. We want you to be safe, and your depression is treatable.Loneliness is so painful, and when we feel lonely, this can lead to fears that we are not worthy of love or that the world is just a cold and lonely place. Neither are truths; only thoughts. Once we have fears like this though, we start to pull away from people, the fears keep us isolated, which makes the thoughts worse, and the cycle continues.We all have a place in this world. We all have value, we all deserve love, and there are safe, wonderful people out there waiting to meet you and care for you.Can you take a moment right now to become more in touch with three things? First, who in your life, if they were sitting beside you right now, would say ""wait a minute...I love you!"" What is the evidence that you are already cared about? Then ask yourself ""what is the evidence that I am lovable?"" What qualities do you have that make you a good friend or person? The third question is ""what tells you the world is a good place?"" What evidence do you see that there are people out there who care about others?Please reach out to someone today as you ask yourself those questions. I wish you the best. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm desperate for attention, and I don't know what to do about it. [/INST]  Hi Michigan, Good for you for recognising a destructive pattern. This behaviour, although it might get you the attention you want initially, will ultimately drive men away because it's not respectful of them. My gut says that you learned early on in life that your value is in your sexuality alone. That's a powerful thought. You are certainly acting as if this is true. If you believed in your value as a person, you would be less afraid of deeper relationships and intimacy in general.If I were your therapist, I'd have many questions for you and I would need to understand a lot of things about you and your past to help you sort out where this idea about yourself came from. I'd suggest reaching out to a qualified therapist who can help you get to the root of this behaviour. Good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I know if I have bipolar disorder? [/INST]  It sounds like you are experiencing a great deal of distress and you're wondering if it may meet a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. There are a few different types of Bipolar diagnoses in the DSM (diagnositc and statistical manual) and the best way to find out if your experiences would meet that diagnosis would be to meet with a mental health professional. You can also look up the diagnosis online and see if what you are going through meets the criteria.One question that I would have for you is, what would it mean for you to find out that you meet the criteria for such a diagnosis? It sounds like whether or not you do, you are suffering and working with a therapist may help you get into a better place. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Why do I feel like I’m watching my life from a window? [/INST]  What you are describing sounds like it may be a form of dissociation. Dissociation is our mind's way of disconnecting us from aspects of our experience in an attempt to protect us in overwhelming situations. It also sounds like you are noticing anxiety in certain situations. In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to gain insight into these experiences, learn skills for coping with anxiety and reconnecting with yourself, and alleviate these symptoms over time. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I feel like I can't control having inappropriate thoughts. [/INST]  It is completely understandable that you would like to find a way to make these intrusive thoughts go away, however, your feeling that you can't control having these thoughts is accurate. It's also understandable that you would feel helpless and guilty, given that you see how these thoughts are effecting your relationship, though I would encourage you to go easy on yourself and remember that you aren't choosing to have these thoughts. I'm sure that if there was a switch to turn them off, you would flip it.There is no magic technique or pill that can guarantee these thoughts will go away, however, therapy may still have a lot to offer. In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to gain insight into where these thoughts are coming from and develop new ways of relating to them so that they do not leave you feeling as helpless and guilty and can be more present with your partner. Though there is no guarantee that the thoughts will go away, this may also be a result of work with a therapist. Either way, you may be able to find a way to deal with the thoughts and show up in your relationship in a way that will be satisfying to you and your partner.  </s>"
"<s>[INST]I always feel depressed. [/INST]  Feeling alone and/or isolated is almost always associated with being depressed. As humans, we need connection and interaction with others in order to feel satisfied. Given that you are frequently thinking about death, I highly recommend that you see a mental health professional as soon as possible to help assess your immediate needs and address any underlying issues that may be contributing to your feelings of loneliness and depression.The good news is that with proper, consistent treatment and commitment to change, things can really turn around for you. A therapist can work with you on building enjoyable activities into your daily routine, change maladaptive thought patterns that contribute to your sadness, and help with exploring what has gotten you to where you are. By learning about where your sadness originates, engaging in preferred activities, and changing your thought patterns, you should begin feeling relief from the burden of depression. What will likely result, is further opportunity to find social outlets and an increased ability to connect with others.Don't give up. Create some short terms goals that you can likely achieve and make your treatment a priority and a focus. You have already taken the first step in getting better by writing to this site. Keep on this path and believe in yourself. Best of luck to you! </s>"
"<s>[INST]My brother never hangs out with me anymore. [/INST]  It is always hard when we feel as if we are losing somebody close to us. Feeling sad over these losses are normal. While there may be some things you can do to remedy this situation, it is important that you try and understand that part of life is change. The fact that your brother doesn't spend as much time with you doesn't mean that he loves you less or doesn't care about you. It most likely means that he is having to split his time between different people and priorities. I suggest that you communicate with him how you feel. Perhaps, ask him if he would be able to set up times that the two of you can hang out, without anyone else present. Addionally, it wouldn't hurt for you to also find some other ways to spend your time away from him. Now might be the perfect opportunity to pick up a new hobby or hang out with different peers. Keeping yourself distracted in healthy ways and processing your feelings of sadness will likely help with lifting your mood. Good luck to you! </s>"
"<s>[INST]My husband doesn't include me in the family. [/INST]  Hi Florida,I get the sense that, aside from this relationship, you're quite isolated in general. It's sad that you're feeling excluded at Christmastime and family events. While I would suggest that you don't really know what he or his family are thinking or feeling (you assume they're against you, and that he doesn't care), he is certainly behaving in a very distant, excluding manner and it's understandable that you would feel rejected and hurt.How long has this part been happening? Has he always acted this way, or is it more recent? Did something happen recently? You mentioned doing ""stupid things to yourself"", and I don't know what that means. If you are engaging in self-harm he may be confused about what to do and he might need some time to think and be separate but is having trouble talking about this. Part of the problem, of course, is that you don't know what's going on for him. Certainly, you deserve the truth, and if he doesn't want to spend time with you, I would hope he would be honest. Have you been open to hearing the truth from him? Is there any reason for him to hesitate to tell you why he's being distant? Maybe you could ask him, if you are ready to hear.I'm glad to hear that you believe that you deserve a full, loving relationship, although it seems that moving forward might be difficult for you. Is it possible your happiness is a bit too dependant on this man? I'm just guessing, based on what you've said here.It seems that it's possible your situation has led to some depression, and I would recommend a session with a qualified therapist to help you sort this out. You will need support, even if the relationship is repaired. Best of luck. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My wife is cheating and won’t tell me the truth. [/INST]  Hi Prattville,I'm sorry this is happening to you. You need support right now, and yes, you need answers. She is in denial and is trying to hide the truth, to protect herself. This is a natural behaviour. You don't indicate whether she wants the marriage, or is planning to leave. Which way you go from here depends in part on the answer to that question.If she wants the marriage, you certainly have the right to say ""I need answers to all my questions"". Giving you the information she needs has to be (if she wants the marriage) more important than protecting herself. I would support your right to advocate for all the information you need in order to feel secure or make decisions. She may fear that the truth will turn you away. If you want to, you can reassure her that you want the marriage no matter what the truth is. If the marriage is to survive, it needs openness.If, on the other hand, she's planning to end the marriage, then you might want to resign yourself to the fact that you may never get the information you seek. You are better off, in that case, seeking support from friends and family rather than beating on a closed door.Your wife has some decisions to make. Try to give her a bit of time to make them. You can patiently say ""I know this thing is happening. Talk to me so we can deal with it together. I want to move forward but I need the truth."" Only time (and a good therapist, if she is willing and wants the marriage) will tell which way this one will go. Individually, you can seek professional help as well. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I have a compulsion to fill in holes in my skin with ink. [/INST]  Hi Houston, The fact that you're concerned says a lot. If I was your therapist I'd ask you questions about your worries and how this is causing a problem in your life. You're causing perhaps permanent changes (damage?) to your body, and it's likely you're trying to express something...pain maybe? A therapist can help you to explore what's going on for you and how to get your needs for self-expression met in a more healthy way. Good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Why do I feel like I’m watching my life from a window? [/INST]  Hi Houston, Okay, something's definitely going on, right? My gut is to start with your family physician, because you have some physical symptoms. While it seems anxiety is a likely problem here, your doctor will hopefully know your history and can help you decide if you need some medical tests or some therapy. Without knowing more, that's all I can say at this point. Best of luck. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My brother never hangs out with me anymore. [/INST]  Hi Zionsville. It's so sweet that you have a special relationship with your brother. You will ALWAYS have that, you know? He's doing what's natural at his age...spreading his wings and looking for love. You may be heading into that zone soon too, but I get that it's weird that he's there before you, and you miss him.Try to respect your brother's autonomy, wish him well, be friendly with his girlfriend, and it's also okay to say ""Hey, bro, I'm still here. When can we hang out!?"" </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm worried that I will be single forever. [/INST]  I think one of the first questions that springs to mind for me is, ""what's the rush?"" Just because other people in your circle have had experiences that you are still warming up to does not mean that there's something wrong or something to be ashamed of. If anything, I want to commend you on the self-respect you have in wanting to wait and share this most intimate of experiences with someone that will feel the same way about it. One of the most common distortions in our thinking is when we try to directly compare ourselves to others; while these people and even those in your family share a level of closeness to you they are not exactly like you - they don't see or feel things in the exact same way as you nor do they share the exact same perspective. It's important to be making choices for you and for your own desires and life goals. Once you stop comparing your happiness, you may find that you are already experiencing it and allow more of your guard to fall down. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I be happy again? [/INST]  As silly as it may sound, making sure that we are getting the right amount of *restful* sleep is very important when we are feeling low. The reason for this is the lack of proper sleep significantly affects our ability to problem solve and critically evaluate our situation and can lead to a domino effect in our thinking. I know you feel that you may be losing your friendships, but what are the facts that have led to this belief? Really ask yourself, ""are they facts?"" or are they your perspective on events. In regards to your coping behaviours at night, it sounds very isolating and also very silenced. As opposed to the sad music, why not try all music, allowing yourself to experience the wide breadth of emotions that are circling within you. One of the other recommendations I would make would be to try and journal about some of those thoughts and fears in order to release them in a positively cathartic way.Some of the behaviours that you have mentioned are a bit more significant, though and I would recommend speaking with someone directly in the near future. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I become more confident and face social situations? [/INST]  One of the greatest ways that we can promote ourselves s by learning how to assert ourselves. Despite what most people think of when they hear the word assertive, assertive communication is one of the best ways to manage interpersonal conflict as well as maintain personal boundaries. Once we become comfortable with acknowledging our boundaries, there is usually a follow-up whereby we realize that we have the right to those boundaries. In effect, assertiveness communication becomes it's own self-motivating force in managing positive self-esteem. You may want to invest in a workbook that can help you to develop these skills on your own, or work directly with a therapist to develop them in a safe situation.  One of the Workbooks that I have found to be very helpful is, ""The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships"" by Randy J Paterson. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I have a better relationship with my mom? [/INST]  The best way to work on a relationship is for both people to engage with the problem and start communicating with each other more effectively. One of the hardest things about this, however, is getting both people within the relationship to recognize that they are both responsible for the successes and failures within the relationship and remove all the all-or-nothing blame.The best style of communication is open and asking for clarification; why not try asking your mother why this particular fight/situation is eliciting such an angry response. Often, the simple act of expressing that we don't understand the other person's point of view can open the doors to better levels of communication. The hardest part is trying to remain humble as we seek out that clarification and avoid the blaming language we are so used to using in such times. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm worried that I will be single forever. [/INST]  It is very hard to want a loving relationship, and either see or imagine all around you, the great times other couples are having. Extra hard is that other people's comments may start giving you the sense that you are letting them down to not have a relationship!All the fantasies that develop from viewing Facebook photos and imagining everyone or most people in ideal relationships, just augments any frustration of not being part of this group.Your post sounds like you're being true to yourself and honoring who you are really, by developing clear standards of what you'd expect from a relationship.For the longterm, whatever develops in your relationship life, you will always be able to look back and know you had self-integrity.By being your natural self, you're being attractive. Probably very unlikely that a young woman who would like a relationship, will never have one.Maybe the young men in your school are not yet emotionally mature enough to know how to see and appreciate you.Even though it may be hard, have patience with bringing in someone who is good for you. And, continue your keen insight of yourself because it is guiding you to be the best in all areas of living.Sending good luck in all areas! </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can my boyfriend forgive me when I can't forgive myself? [/INST]  Hi Cerritos,This is an interesting twist because it's more common for the person in your position to want to move forward, and for the person who was wronged to struggle with forgiveness. You are lucky to have a loving, compassionate partner, and your boyfriend is lucky to have a partner who takes full responsibility for their actions.My hunch is that you learned some things about yourself when you were younger that are playing a role here. Your sense of worthlessness seems out of proportion to the mistakes you made. You don't have to be perfect in order to deserve the love of a good man. You only have to have the maturity to recognise when you've hurt someone and work hard to make it better. Who in your life overreacted to small mistakes you made? Were you shamed as a child? Did you learn that you deserved to be punished? Did something bad happen that you thought was your fault? Is there a mistake you made long ago that you need forgiveness for? There is a younger person inside you waiting to be forgiven for something they weren't entirely responsible for. The bar is too high for you. If I was your therapist, I would work with you to find the source of the shame, and address that wound.If you want to move forward and be with your boyfriend, your job will be to forgive yourself. Forgiving doesn't mean ""it was okay""; forgiving simply means that it happened, that you can't erase it, and that you don't want to carry it around or punish yourself for it anymore.You have done many things here that you can feel proud of! You've 'come clean', you've been honest, you've taken responsibility for your actions, you've not tried to minimize what you did, and you've chosen to be more loyal and aware of how you impact your boyfriend. These are all things you can use to build your sense of worth. You are acting very honourably. It's time to put your past mistakes away on the shelf knowing that you've learned from them and are a better person now. It's not our mistakes...not our worst moments that define us...it's how we handle them afterwards.I wish you growth and happiness. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I cope or motivate myself without pain [/INST]  It sounds like you are feeling helpless and out of control, you are concerned about your behavior, and at the same time you feel compelled to continue it. In working with a therapist, you may be able to get insight into what is motivating these behaviors, develop strategies for taking care of yourself, and get a stronger sense of who you are motivated to be when you are your authentic self. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Why do I crave depression? [/INST]  It sounds like you are noticing that you are drawn towards sad and negative content and it's hard to understand why. This may sound counter-intuitive, but sometimes we do things that on the surface may look problematic (or even cause us some real problems) because it serves us in some unseen way. A simple example would be somebody who is addicted to a substance; their addiction may be causing serious problems in their life, and they may even know it, but the addiction serves them by helping them to avoid painful feelings that they anticipate having if they quit using. Now I am not saying that what you describe is an addiction, it is just a really illustrative example of the unseen benefit.One thing I would be wondering about is what is the unseen benefit of seeking out sad and negative content? I'd also be wondering what your relationship is to other feelings. These are things you may benefit from exploring with a competent therapist. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Is my ex-boyfriend a pathological liar? [/INST]  It sounds like you have some ambivalent feelings towards your ex-boyfriend that are difficult to sort out. You notice that there are both desirable and undesirable things about him, and this is true of everyone to one degree or another. One question that I would have for you is, are you satisfied with your relationship with him as it currently stands? Are you happy with the boundaries between the two of you, or would you like them to be different? Negotiating through conflict and establishing different boundaries are definitely things you could work on with the help of a therapist. Another question I would have for you is, what would it mean for you to find out what motivates his behavior? Discovering the roots of such behavior is something that he would have to work on in his own therapy and not something that you and a therapist could discover without him. </s>"
"<s>[INST]The love of my life wants to try getting back together with her child's father. [/INST]  Love doesn't hurt.Your description of the relationship so far, is that you are feeling a lot of emotional pain, alongside a deep attraction for this woman.In some relationships, the benefit of what draws us together with someone, is being able to learn more about our own deep sense of who we are, what we value and care about.This sounds more descriptive of your relationship than that it is a loving one. Your descriptions are of the woman's life, parenting and relationship dilemmas, not about how much of an effort she is willing to make in her life so that the two of you are able to be together for the long term.Try distinguishing your wishes to be loved by this woman with what actually is taking place in everyday life.Being aware of how much love you'd like to give and receive, is valuable self-knowledge.Your ongoing emotional wear and tear of all decisions about the relationship that affect you, being the result of the woman's choices, sounds like the opposite of love.The relationship is very useful as an access in self-understanding of your needs and wishes. It sounds like this is its main value in your life, not that it is sustainable in reality.Good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]I told my family doctor yesterday, that I am hoarding my Ativan pills. Is he legally required to tell my psychiatrist or therapist? [/INST]  Your doctor might be required to tell your psychiatrist - especially if your doctor is concerned about your safety.It was definitely a good thing that you told your primary care physician about what is going on. I know that must have been difficult to talk about with him. By having that conversation, you are helpingyour primary care physician and your psychiatrist work together to best support your health. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Can implanted thoughts be reversed at all? [/INST]  Given your experience of being imposed upon against your will, and all the personal and professional loss that has come since, your fear of what will happen if you undergo treatment and trust a therapist is understandable. There is no technique or pill that can guarantee these thoughts will go away or be reversed, however, there are things that you can do which may help you to change your relationship to the thoughts and to the distress that they cause. I understand that working with a therapist sounds risky, given your experiences, and at the same time a good therapist may be a beneficial resource in helping you deal with the intrusive thoughts, cope with and alleviate the stress that they create, and perhaps even lead to the alleviation of the thoughts themselves. A therapist may also be able to help you discover strategies to work towards any goals you have around reconnecting with your children and working again. If therapy feels too unsafe at the moment, I would recommend looking into workbooks on how to deal with intrusive thoughts and coping with stress. Some popular approaches that you may want to look into are mindfulness techniques, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You may even be able to find some of these resources at a library, if affordability is an obstacle. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Should I let my boyfriend go? [/INST]  Sorry to hear about all the stress in the relationship.You're on the right track by knowing and sticking with your own standards of what qualifies as acceptable behavior by your boyfriend.Since he was the one who broke your trust, he is one in the position of earning back your trust.This is always a basic formula for couple's therapy in which there has been infidelity.Understand within yourself whether you'd like being with your boyfriend and what you'd like him to do so that you start feeling more secure in the relationship.If yes, then tell him what you now know about yourself as partner in the relationship.For example, some people who are getting over being cheated on, would like knowing details about the affair person, some people want to see the phone of the one who cheated.Recuperating after a cheating incident takes many months.If he tells you he'd like earning back your trust, give him some time to see if there is progress in this area.As results unfold, you will feel clearer on the direction your relationship is naturally taking.About the girl at work, she will feel less meaningful to you as you work together with your boyfriend on securing the relationship.She has her greatest meaning right now because you are at the beginning stage of knowing what direction to take.As you go along this road, more than likely, you'll be more at ease in naturally finding a way of relating to her that feels ok to you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Should I go back on my medicine? [/INST]  Deciding whether or not psychiatric medicine is a good option can be complicated, as you have noticed, and only a person who is licensed to prescribe can give you medical advice regarding medications. While there is sometimes relief from symptoms from medication, as you have pointed out, there are often negative side effects as well. While I can't give you advice on whether or not to continue medication, I would urge you to take an inventory of the positive and negative effects that you have noticed and educate yourself as much as possible about the short and long-term costs and benefits of psychiatric medication. If you can find a doctor, psychiatrist, or ARNP who is competent in mental health, it may also benefit you to consult with them.One thing that I am wondering about is, what is your support system like, in regards to your fight against depression? Are you seeing a therapist or attending any therapeutic or supportive group? While there are many things that one can do on their own to work through challenges such as depression, psychotherapy has been shown time and again in research to be highly effective and sometimes having a relationship with a caring, competent professional who understands depression and ways of helping can make a huge difference. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Can my marriage be saved? [/INST]  While it would be impossible for me to say whether your marriage can be saved it sounds like you are both willing to give it a try and to get professional support. With appropriate professional support for your relationship a lot is possible. I'm not familiar with the resources available in Jackson but I'm sure there are some good local couple therapists and there may be some agencies that specialize in couple counselling and family therapy.So often the challenges that we have in relationships result from rather small habits in relating that lead to greater feelings of distress, loneliness, anger and resentment. I commend your willingness to put effort into creating the strong loving relationship that you want for both of your sakes and of course for your children. The following links provides more information regarding common behaviours that predict staying together or separatingand also videos and other resources that can help you get started.Wishing you and your family all the best on your journey of healing and discovery. </s>"
"<s>[INST]The love of my life wants to try getting back together with her child's father. [/INST]  That sounds really heartbreaking. It is tough falling in love and not being able to dive fully because of complications on the other side. It sounds to me that you are doing exactly what you need to be doing by taking ""care of myself"" while the rest sorts itself out. While I admire your desire and courage to stay friends - the ""extreme pain"" that you mentioned may make this too challenging and at odds with your taking care of yourself. Since there is no commitment on her end to give it a shot with you I would make sure that you really honour your own feelings about what feels right to you so that you don't end up feeling strung along or resentful. Make sure that you lean on friends and family at this time - we need all the support that we can get when we are heartbroken. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm worried that I will be single forever. [/INST]  I think that every person who has been single for any extended period of time has felt the same worries - myself included. Since relationships are so important to us we fear not having them and being single. It is similar to fearing that we won't ever get a good job when we have been out of work for awhile or fearing that we won't be healthy when we have been sick. We fear these things because they are so important - not because these fears are realistic or true!There is immense pressure put on young single people from peers and media to conform to ideas of what is normal and to meet expectations in terms of sexual experience, dating, etc. While some people may judge an adult who is a virgin - others will respect your choices and feel even more attracted to you because of your choices. Experimenting with sex, so long as you are being safe and respectful is also completely okay and normal.Since expectations vary and we can't be happy if we are always comparing ourselves to other people, we need to ultimately trust that being who we are and building a loving relationship with ourselves is the key to meeting someone who will cherish us for all the ways that we are special and unique, virgin or not. When we are able to really accept ourselves and trust in our loveableness (not a real word but you get what I mean!) then meeting someone special is simply a matter of time and effort - putting ourselves out in the world in situations where we are likely to meet other single people looking for relationships.When you are most afraid of being alone - remember that this fear is simply a reminder of how much you value relationships. Use that passion about wanting relationships to build the best relationship you can with yourself and then one day soon some lucky person will stumble into your life and benefit immensely from your passion and your ability to be authentically who you are rather than pretending to be ""normal"" or whatever that is anyway. Hope this helps! </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can my boyfriend forgive me when I can't forgive myself? [/INST]  So wonderful to have a boyfriend who is able to understand and forgive you. What do you think that he sees in you that allows him to do that? Does he see someone who like other humans makes mistakes? Does he see someone who despite hurtful choices is a good person committed to being a loving respectful partner? The compassion and understanding that we can often extend to others can be difficult to extend to ourselves.We often hold very unrealistic and perfectionist expectations for ourselves which may even lead to our poor choices in the first place - as a ways of letting off steam or rebelling against our high standards. Regardless of the reasons, we all make mistakes and imperfection does not make someone less loveable - it just makes them human. If your boyfriend is able to start clean with you, there must be a reason.What you do from here on out will define the kind of partner you are to him. Can you treat him with the kind of respect that you would want? Can you help him to feel loved and safe in the relationship? Can you allow yourself to be imperfect and afraid and still worthy of love and acceptance. When you are feeling ashamed of your behaviours - try to imagine extending that scared part of you the same love and acceptance that you might extend to other people who have made mistakes. It is not easy to forgive ourselves but it is important in order to allow ourselves to be loved and to truly love others. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm worried that I will be single forever. [/INST]  Hi Winters, I'm so glad you wrote, because I think there are a lot of young women experiencing the exact same thing. You feel self-loathing for both being a virgin, and for being sexually active. Young women have always gotten crazy mixed messages about what they're supposed to be. They feel pressure to be pure, and they also feel pressure to be the vixen and please men sexually. But you can't be both, so you can't ever win if you buy into all that horse manure (excuse my language).This current hook-up culture puts added pressure on girls to expect nothing more than random sexual encounters that leave you feeling empty and used; perhaps desirable in that moment but mostly worthless. The stupid part is that research tells us that young men are also impacted negatively by this cultural norm that values sex and not relationship; they feel guilt, and loneliness. I urge you to talk to other girls and women about your feelings. My hope and prayer is that they will echo my words here.Your value and power cannot ever be found in whether a man wants you, whether you turn his eye, or how he treats you. Your sexuality is a beautiful part of who you are, and it is to be celebrated. I love that you want to celebrate it with someone who cares. Who you are is so very much more than your sexuality. You sound like you have a lot of things going for you. Try to see all of those things when you think of yourself.There are many more virgins out there, and many are afraid, like you, that they don't fit in. We are all different, and you don't have to be anything but who you want to be; who you are. You don't have to have any kind of sex until you're ready, and that makes you brave and smart, not weird.You're tall and beautiful, and guys may be intimidated by that. It may take time for you to meet the right guy, but he's out there. The question is: How do you want to spend your time until he crosses your path?I hope you talk to someone soon and find out that your feelings are normal. I wish you the best. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Why am I constantly angry? [/INST]  Hi Nashville, I'm glad you want this to be different. It doesn't feel good to be angry all the time, and it's stealing your energy as well as affecting relationships, I'm sure.Working with a therapist, you can learn to recognise the deep emotions that lie underneath the anger. It's likely to be either powerlessness or worthlessness, and what happens is this... a small moment in the present touches on an old, tender, bruised emotion that we've simply felt too much of or too strongly in the past. We develop ways of avoiding these vulnerable emotions, and anger is one way of doing that.So, when someone looks at you in a certain way, or says something, you'd rather be angry than feel powerless, or unimportant (or whatever your kryptonite feeling is). In that moment, your instinct is to blame whatever happened, no matter how small, because that's the thing that happened just before you got mad. You fail to recognise that the problem is not the look on that person's face, or the shoe that someone left in front of the door...it's that you can't stand feeling something and you want to avoid it like you want to stamp your foot out if it's on fire.I suggest finding a therapist to work with. You can learn to take responsibility for your old emotions and find new ways to manage them. :) </s>"
"<s>[INST]How am I supposed to feel when I forgive someone? [/INST]  Hi Cleveland, I think I get what you're feeling. You're scared that if you forgive your mom, that would mean it wasn't so bad, or she'll think it's okay to do it again, or she won't realize how hurt you are.I invite you to look at forgiveness in a different way. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean what she did was okay. Not at all. Forgiveness can mean ""I accept what she did, and I don't want to live in her worst moments constantly. I want to put it down and move past it because I want her in my life, because fear and resentment interfere with my relationship with her, and mostly because I'm tired of carrying them (fear and resentment) around constantly.""You can forgive your mom for yourself, not for her.If there is evidence that your mom wants to respect you moving forward, then it might be worth it to risk putting down the resentment and the grudge that you think you need to protect yourself.Your ability to draw boundaries with her in the present is your biggest protector; let her know in the present what hurts you, and notice her responses.You don't have to say it to her face. Saying it to yourself is more important. Again, forgiving your mom helps you...it reduces your own burden of fear and resentment, leaving space for better things. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Should I tell my kids that Santa is real after their dad told them he is not? [/INST]  Well Boise, the cat's out of the bag now, isn't it? I love that you want to help your kids keep the magic of Christmas. They must want that too if they still believe in Santa into their teen years, which is unusual, I believe. I wonder if they had already figured it out anyway?But they know now, and your ex had the right to tell them if he felt it was best. So it's time to explain to them what a loving and magical thing it is that parents do, and Christmas can still be magical in so many ways. Really, who says they have to stop believing in Santa? Santa is very real as a spirit of surprise, generosity and love. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I get my guy to fall back in love with me? [/INST]  Hi Kansas,I think your first instinct was good; you broke up with him. You deserve respect, but right now you're not acting as if you deserve it when you push to see him as he's moving on with a new relationship. It's appropriate now for you to respect that relationship and listen to what he says he wants, which is space.Do you think he's going to be any different with her? This a common, unfounded fear we have.I wonder if maybe you miss the feeling of being in love and having a partner more than you miss him. Thebottomline is you can't make someone love you, and you can't make someone be loving towards you, because how someone treats you (and the choices they make) has everything to do with who they are, and nothing to do with who you are. I hope you gather support from others and move on in hope and strength for your own future. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How am I supposed to feel when I forgive someone? [/INST]  How someone feels when they forgive another, is at peace with themselves and their understanding of what went wrong, who was responsible for what in the situation, and clarity on their own motivation, actions, emotions including pain, regret, resentment, sadness.These steps ideally allow a new door to open in order to develop new paths in the existing relationship or accept that this will not be possible due to either person's way of handling themselves.The long answer would be that you're not yet through with this process.I commend you on being truthful with yourself about yourself.You're on the right track by expecting to feel resolved when you've reached resolution, and not before.Finding patience with the unpredictable amount of time needed to thoroughly examine all the details of the incidents you mention, sometimes is a frustration of its own.Keep up your good work of knowing your own life.It is a worthwhile endeavor! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Do I leave my cheating husband or share him with someone? [/INST]  Hi Jayuya, I'm struggling in this moment with my own biases. I have biases that are about respect and every individual's need for and right to respect. Your husband lies, cheats and physically hurts you. He makes excuses and blames you for these behaviours and trains you to do the same. He demonstrates many controlling and abusive behaviours. And now, in an attempt to manipulate and silence you, he wants to have his cake and eat it too and suggests you should share him? There aren't many crumbs of this cake left for you, are there?So, my biases about respect don't make me want to rescue you or tell you what to do; I can't do that, and I don't think either of those things will help you. I'd like to ask you some questions though...Are you happy? Do you know what happy is? Do you know what respect is? Are your children safe? Are your children witnessing violence (because if they are, then they're not safe)? Do you have supports? Do your family and friends know what's happening in your life? Have you ever been to a women's shelter? Are you willing to sit down in an office with a professional who can help you think clearly? That's what I suggest. These are big decisions, you deserve some support. I wish you the best. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My wife no longer wants sex. [/INST]  Hi Hampton,Although I'd bet your wife also wants the attention and companionship, it seems that there are a few barriers in your sexual relationship right now. I also would bet that there are things that your wife would like from you.This is a very common issue; two people with different sexual drives or needs. If you both want the relationship to improve, a couple's therapist who works in sexuality is a great idea; it's a complex picture that you've only given us a glimpse of.In the meantime, you can try a few things: have compassion for your wife. She's in pain and this may preoccupy her. Sex may be uncomfortable for her. She needs understanding. You need understanding too, right? Help her to see that you're not just angry, but lonely and hurt; it might affect how you see yourself as a man. Showing her irritability or anger might push her farther away.There are many ways to be close, intimate, and sexual that don't involve intercourse. You might want to explore some of these things and reassure her that you won't pressure her to have intercourse. Find out what your wife's wishes and ideas are. You might be surprised.These things take time to address, especially if they've been years in the making. I do recommend seeing that therapist. Relationships are very complex and it takes time to explore all the layers and barriers to change. Best of luck. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Should I just move on from my demanding girlfriend? [/INST]  Love is not enough to keep a relationship together.The people need to get along happily too.Let's start with knowing more about your happiness in being with your partner.The frequent break ups happen for a reason. Try understanding more of why you go back together again.You state a few very clear reasons to not continue this relationship, such as ""feeling like crap"" and not liking that your girlfriend hopes her partner will feel afraid to leave her.Trust your intuition telling you that these feelings matter.Sometimes men aren't sure whether following their instinct is a right action to take.It is.Also, hoping a partner will fear losing them, shows a wish to control a person.Control has nothing to do with love and trust, and these are basics of a relationship.Good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Why won’t my boyfriend for almost two years talk about our future together when he says he’s in love with me? [/INST]  The good news is you're aware of what you'd like from your relationship.The possible less good news, is that your boyfriend's ideas for the relationship are not similar to yours.Really, you will only find this out for sure by deciding to start the conversation about your expectations and ask about his.People have as infinitely different ideas of what, if anything generates from feeling in love, as there are people on this earth.Speculating and theorizing about how he combines love and a future with you, at some point are better answered directly by him.You sound ready to find out his reality in order to compare it with yours.Sometimes people are afraid that the answer they'll hear will disappoint. While this is possible, it is also possible you will be greatly surprised in a very happy way. What if he was being shy and hesitant to tell you his wish of being together with you for many years?Either way the answer turns out, you will gain as a person by appreciating your own need for peace of mind by knowing clearly what your future with this man will be like. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I manage my anger? [/INST]  First off, it is great that you recognize that some changes need to be made. It is also really good that you understand where the source of your anxiety and stress comes from. Fortunately there are many self help books and internet sources that provide free tools to help you cope withlife's obstacles, including anger management. There are several strategies that you can try tohelp control your anger, but theones thatI would recomend first are the following:1.Try a different way of communicating with your parents. Sincearguing withthem is a great source of anger for you, learning more effective ways of communicating with them will likely be of great benefit.Choose a time to talk with themabout ""heated issues"" when everyone is calm and emotions are not heightened. Use ""I phrases"" by telling them how the arguments effect you, as opposed to placing blame on them.Validate what you hear your parents say in order to allow them to know that you understand their point of view.2. When you feel yourself becoming angry, take a break. Simply excuse yourself from the situation, find a quiet place to be by yourself, and do some deep breathing. Close your eyes, slowly count to four as you inhale, and exhaleeven slower, counting to 6. Focus on nothing except for your breathing and do this for 5 minutes.3. Stop any negative thoughts in their tracks. Often times when we get upset, we catastrophize and do not see things clearly. When you catch yourself thinking negatively stop the thoughts and ask yourself if your thinking is logical and rational. If you cannot find much or any evidence that your thoughts are valid, then let them go and replace them with realistic, logical thoughts.4. Finally, find a friend or someone to talk to and/or keep a journal. Keeping your emotions to yourself will not help you. Being able to express your feelings and problem solve will allow for some relief when feeling sad or angry.I wish you all the best! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Why won’t my boyfriend for almost two years talk about our future together when he says he’s in love with me? [/INST]  There are a few possibilities that might be keeping your boyfriend from talking about the future, but the best way to find out for certain is to ask him. If your desire is to have a permanent relationship with your boyfriend, two years should be plenty of time for him to determine whether or not he also wants this and if not yet, he should be able to give you a reason why.People who drag their feet in the area of commitment sometimes do so because they fear commitment itself and the thought of permanency is terrifying to them. Such fears might be grounded in past failed relationships, past history of abuse or neglect, or just pure selfishness and a related fear of what they might have to give up in a relationship.Another common reason for people to avoid talking about permanency is because there are things in the relationship that they feel may need to change before the relationship becomes more committed. Financial and career issues are common reasons for postponing commitment. Other issues may have to do with taking care of other family responsibilities such as raising children from previous relationships.The most important thing to remember I think in managing your own feelings in this relationship is that you have the right to ask questions and to have a conversation about your future. You are part of this relationship and you deserve to know what types of barriers are there that prevent this relationship from becoming permanent. True love needs to be grounded in truth.Good luck to you!  </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I stop abusing alcohol? [/INST]  The first step to change is to admit that you have a problem that is in need of change. Frequently our problems keep us in denial. Although feeling hopeless is an uncomfortable feeling, it suggests to me that you know that you can not do this alone. The best course of treatment for you is to treat all of these problems together. Alcohol detox can be very dangerous so it is important that you do this under the supervision of a medical provider; preferably someone who specializes in addiction. Know also that although marijuana may not appear to be as big as a problem as alcohol is, it will cause you to have an increase in alcohol cravings so complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol is needed.I really recommend an inpatient stay for at least 30 days for anyone who is dealing with addiction, whether combined with mental health issues or not. If this is not a possibility, then the next best thing would be an Intensive outpatient program that treats both addiction and mental health issues. Know that there is hope for what you are experiencing. You can get control over these issues. The next step is finding the team and/or facility that is going to help you do it. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Should I leave my boyfriend? [/INST]  Hi Lockport, Building a relationship when there are already children involved is very tricky. You don't tell us whether you live together or not. If you do, your position is perhaps more difficult, because his daughter's behaviours affect you; you live in the home.A bottom line for me is you don't tell someone else how to parent. That's for your boyfriend to decide. When he's there, he's the parent, and he makes the decisions about how she is disciplined (or not). Even if you have good ideas or you completely disagree, or you think you see something that he's not seeing, it's simply not for you to interfere there.It sounds like your boyfriend is struggling emotionally and needs support. He has had a lot of losses in his life and maybe every time his daughter leaves he feels powerless and abandoned. Do you talk about these things? Can you find that line of supporting him but not telling him what to do?Although I suggest you leave the parenting to him, what you can do is tell him what you see, offer suggestions if he's open to it, and talk about the ways in which the situation affects you. It makes sense to say ""I see you struggling and I don't know how to help"", ""I've noticed that you seem afraid to discipline her. Are you aware that it's coming across this way? Do you need help?"", or ""I feel sad and frustrated when we don't spend any time alone together.""You sound a bit resentful of his daughter. Is it possible that your real struggle is about whether you're ready to be in a relationship with a man whose priority is his child?You have a voice, and it's great to offer support and ideas and let him know how you feel. Ultimately, however, you are wise to accept this man as who he is and accept the situation for what it is, and make your own decision about whether you want to be a part of it. :) </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I manage my anger? [/INST]  I'm sorry you have so many arguments with your parents. Ideally parents are people who tolerate that their kids are people with their own unique characteristics.Everyone likes feeling loved by their parent.  Do you feel loved even though you and them have clashes?Anger is a symptom of a problem.The real question is knowing what feels like its being hurt inside of you.I agree with your idea of talking with a psychologist or some other type of licensed professional therapist.See if your area has a family service agency in it. Generally the non-profit sectors offer sliding scale fees, and if you qualify, your cost per session would be financially comfortable for you.One possibility is to tell your parents that you'd like starting therapy because of feeling so much stress from the family arguing.They may very well be surprised to learn of your maturity in assessing your level of stress and be willing to make a positive contribution to this by offering to authorize therapy through their health insurance.They may even decide on family counseling so all of you work together to relate in more loving ways.Last, if you aren't ready to speak with your parents about wanting counseling, think about speaking to your school guidance counselor. This person may have some recommendations for your specific geographic location. </s>"
"<s>[INST]My child urinated in his mother's drink. [/INST]  Well it's certainly unusual, and potentially could be cause for alarm. It's a passive aggressive act if done intentionally, so I would wonder if this child is trying to say something.I think without any context, however, or sense of whether there are other signs of disturbance, it's impossible to say what's going on. If there are other signs of distress or very unusual behaviours, you might bring the child to someone who can assess him properly. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I stop myself from making poor choices and hurting the one I love? [/INST]  Hi Calgary (Canada!), Let me get this straight...you're in a 'relationship', but he might be married. You both cheat and lie and he's abusive. The short answer is that there is too much wrong here for this therapist to try and fix it. Relationships don't heal us and they don't help us grow up. We have to be mature and stable enough to love someone before it's going to work. I'd recommend you focus on yourself alone for a while. You have a lot to sort out. I wish you the best. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I can't leave my negative environment without leaving behind my fiancé. [/INST]  Hi Bethlehem,You have a big decision to make. I appreciate your fianc's need to stay close to his child and be a stand-up dad, and I am glad that you know your son needs an emotionally safe place.I'm a bit confused, because the obvious answer seems to be that you and your fianc would get your own place together.I get that you want your dad to take care of all of you, but maybe it's time to take responsibility for your own future and start building it independently of either parent. I say that without knowing how old you are, but if you have a child and a two year relationship, you basically have declared your independence anyway.I wish you the best. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Why won’t my boyfriend for almost two years talk about our future together when he says he’s in love with me? [/INST]  Hi Atlantic City,You must feel confused. This happens quite a bit...a couple will be very much in love, but with time it becomes more and more clear that there is a barrier to moving forward to deeper intimacy and commitment. You don't provide details, but I will give you what my best hunch is about what might be happening here.A few possibilities...it's possible that he's not as in love as he says. Some people find it hard to be honest about these things. There's no way to tell for sure, but look for signs that he's not all that into this relationship even though he says he is. It's also possible he's just not ready to commit long term, and if that's the case, he could say so and help you understand this. I think it's more likely, though, that he's very in love with you but has an emotional barrier to moving forward.For you, it's simple...you love him and want to plan a future. For him, it's not so simple though. I believe your boyfriend probably loves you very much, but there is something else preventing him from being able to plan a future with you. He's likely scared about something (scared he's not good enough, or that he'll be hurt), and that fear makes him avoid commitment and deep intimacy. His fears have nothing to do with you; they are based on his own emotional history. It's a barrier that doesn't become evident until intimacy is already established. Getting close to someone triggers our deep fears. He can get close, but only so close.It's really important you know this isn't your fault; there's no other person out there who will have a magic key to make him want a future with them. It's not about you at all.There are a few ways that this can go. If he recognises this barrier and wants to change it, he can try therapy to address his emotional barriers. That's up to him and only him. If you send him to therapy, he might resent that. Couple therapy may help, but a couple therapist may also recommend he do some individual exploring first.For you, it will be helpful to simply be aware of your own needs in a relationship. If, as a couple, you keep hitting this wall of his over and over again, that's going to be painful. You may eventually decide that you need a partner with a stronger ability to commit long term. There's nothing essentially wrong with the way he is; it's just not a good match for you because you have a different pace in a relationship. Let him know what you need (some security for the future of your relationship. If you want to, or plan to, have children, this is a natural thing to want)...and then see if he can give it to you.So, do some thinking first, then go to him, not in anger (he's just being himself, after all and anger won't help), but with your dilemma. ""I love you, and I want a partner to plan a future with. Can you do that with me?"". Then you see what happens. :) </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I open up to someone? [/INST]  Hi Bend, You're scared, right? That makes sense. Each time we have a break-up we are a bit more in touch with how much is at stake in this whole love and relationship business. We are falling in love and letting someone close to our hearts and there's a vulnerability in that; we can get hurt. Who you partner with long-term is a big decision and it determines 90% of our happiness in life.The good news is that when we're just starting to get to know someone, we can take it slow. I think maybe you are slowing yourself down instinctively here, and that's okay. We are naturally people of attachment and it won't likely last if you are normally an open and accessible person who doesn't put up walls. So part of what I want to say here is don't pressure yourself too much. Take the time to heal naturally and listen to your instinct that is telling you to take things slow. :)As well, there are a few things you can do to make sure that the walls do eventually come down, or will come down for the right person.First, think about the lessons you learned from this past relationship. What do you feel proud of? What do you need in a partner? What mistakes did you make? Use this experience to grow in your awareness of how you work in a relationship and what you need from a partner.Look at your thoughts. Are you having generalized negative thoughts like ""No one will ever love me again?"", or ""I'm going to get hurt again"", or ""I can't trust myself""? If so, write down what these thoughts are, and then ask yourself what evidence supports these thoughts. Fear tries to convince us that there is either something wrong with us or that something bad will happen, but it does so with little or no evidence of this ever happening!! It sells us a line based on no concrete evidence. Then ask yourself what evidence supports the opposite thought. What is the evidence that I am lovable... that there are safe, good people out there... that I can trust myself? Eliminate the negative thoughts, and add the positive ones. It's simple but very powerful.Lastly, take concrete and careful steps to act as though there are no walls. What is the evidence of the walls? Can you take purposeful baby steps in the direction of lowering those walls? When we act as though something is true, we start to feel it and believe it more.I hope you will find yourself back on track eventually, with time. :) </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I get my wife to forgive me? [/INST]  Hello. Being unable to trust your significant other certainly can cause one to feel unsettled. Has your spouse ever done anything questionable that would cause you to not trust her? If so, then it will take time and some work to gain the trust back. Couple's counseling would be of benefit. If not, then you may want to consider seeing a therapist on your own in order to better learn where your insecurities come from. There are several possible reasons why you may be feeling insecure but without knowing them, the issue is not likely to get resolved. In the meantime, I suggest that when you're feeling upset and are unable to trust what your wife says/does, think before you speak. Ask yourself if you have valid reasons to not trust her. Instead of arguing, try and communicate how you're feeling and let her know that resolving this trust issue will be a top priority for you so that you can focus on other aspects of your relationship. Hope it all works out for you both! </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I get rid of my laziness? [/INST]  I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time. It sounds to me like you are suffering from depression to some degree. Have you seen a therapist or talked to anyone about your problems? If not, I would advise that you do so sooner than later so that you can learn what is causing you to be unmotivated and causing difficulty with breaking the cycle that you are in. It is also a good idea to get a medical evaluation from your doctor to rule out any medical causes for your current condition. Most often, difficult situations that life throws at us, along with an inability to think positively, and break bad habits are what cause depression. Somethings you can do immediately are seek help from a professional, schedule in time every day to engage in pleasurable (or once pleasurable) activities, exercise daily, and practice thinking more positively.Set a few daily goals for yourself and write them down each morning or the night before. Achieving your goals every day will give you a sense of accomplishment and can lead tofeeling more optimistic and capable. Additionally,keep ajournal to write down how you are feeling and what ideasyou have to helpfeel better. Sometimes havingthese ideaswritten down make it more real and tangible.Know that depressionismost often curable but takes work and a desire to change (which you clearly have). Once you start feeling better about yourself and your life, your grades should naturally begin to improve, as you will have more motivation and energy to focus on that particular area. Best of luck to you! </s>"
"<s>[INST]My ex-boyfriend put himself on a dating website because he thought I wasn't interested. [/INST]  It sounds like there is a bit of confusion regarding how you two feel about each other. Do you know what type of relationship you want with him? A friendship only,casual dating,or an exclusive relationship? I would encourage you to first figure that out and then communicate to him how you are feeling. Ask him to be honest with you about how he feels and what he wants from your relationship as well. Be mentally preparedfor a variety of responses from himso that there are no major surprises.By clearing the air and learning what your own and each other's desires are, you can then move forward with a plan. Without that clarification, there will likely be false assumptions, unanswered questions, and confusion.  </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I get rid of my laziness? [/INST]  Possibly laziness is not the true problem and is only what appears as the problem.Since you describe your laziness as an observable quality, I assume you've not always felt or handled yourself this way.Quite possibly and more likely, the particular conditions of your current life are not ones that are optimal for feeling good about yourself and your involvements.One suggestion is to see if there is any purpose to what you're doing in all the areas in which you see yourself acting from laziness.If you're not able to notice any good purpose, then you may be mistaking ""laziness"" for a significant amount of stress in your life.Stress can be opened and understood. If stress is what underlies what appears as laziness, then you define the contributors to your stress.Not feeling enough support in your life, financial uncertainty, arguments w people who are close in your life, feeling misunderstood overall or by particular people, all are possibilities.Good luck in learning more about who you are! </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I get my wife to forgive me? [/INST]  Instead of fighting about trust, is it possible for you and your wife to talk with other about areas which upset each of you?Whenever feelings are hurt, knowing what exactly is problematic and being heard and understood by the partner, goes a long way to building trust.These type of discussions are hard to have, and especially for the first time. A lot of emotions arise and often people lose their conversation focus from this.If you and your wife have a tough time opening up to each other, consider scheduling time with a couples therapist.Just by each of you committing time to invest in the relationship will show faith in the relationship, and this may contribute to restoring trust. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I'm disgusted by my own fetish. [/INST]  Try to understand your own ambivalence to having your wish fulfilled.Since you and your wife are in a relationship, the sex she will have with another man will affect emotions in both you and your wife.I suggest you and her prepare emotionally before you both go ahead with the sexual arrangement,By anticipating any jealousy or feeling helpless or out of control, or in control, since it's your wish being fulfilled, all the feelings you and her are able to expect, you'll be more prepared for the actual emotions from the episode, which may also resolve your conflicted feelings about creating the event.There are a lot of unknowns in the situation you're considering. Having your partner, who will be key in satisfying your sex wish, be active in understanding these unknowns, is a good way of keeping your relationship strong overall. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Why does the voice in my head never stop? [/INST]  Does the voice in your head sound different or the same as your own voice when you talk to people and go about your usual daily life?There is a great big difference in the type of problem you're having if you feel the voice belongs to someone besides who you are.If you are hearing ""self-talk"" of turning over in your mind what goes on in your life, reflecting on alternatives either of what you would like to have done differently in a certain matter, or anticipating what you will do in a future situation, then the problem of the voice in your head may be from a high degree of stress or uncertainty in your life right now.Talking out loud can be a symptom of severe agitation, restlessness, loneliness, and a sense that you are not understood by other people.I would be as concerned about the voice in your head as I would be about the actual content of what the voice is talking about with you. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How to help my best friend get over a break up? [/INST]  First off, I think it is great that you are willing and able to help out your friend with issues regarding his current relationship, despite the fact that you have feelings for him. I think that the best thing you can do is let him know that you are there for him if he wants to talk about things. You can also help by presenting options that he has and help him weigh out the pros and cons of his decision, but ultimately he has to decide what to do. Know that you won't be able to heal the pain he feels when his girlfriend leaves but you can be a friend to him by simply listening, validating his feelings,and understanding. Regarding your question about being there for him without wanting to hook up....I'm not sure if that is possible. If you care for him on more than a friendship level, then that desire will likey be there for you no matter what. Be careful that you take care of yourself and don't jeopardize your own happiness while trying to help him with his issues. Good luck to you! </s>"
"<s>[INST]I’ve been separated from my husband for six months and he still has not filed for divorce. [/INST]  In situations like this, in most cases, he probably will not fill anytime soon. It's more of the fact that he isn't ready to give that life yet... Now if you probably pressured him about it then yes, he would probably give in.. But if it hasn't been a big issue anymore or something you guys aren't talking about, then right now.. Everything is on a hold. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I deal with flashbacks of trauma? [/INST]  I'm sorry for your suffering.There are therapy programs which help people to gradually feel more at ease so that daily living does not feel so frightening.Once you feel stronger and more secure from such a behavioral program, you'll be able to sleep more peacefully and leave the house whenever necessary to do your regular life.Then, you will be able to open and clear the deep emotional hurt that always occurs from being violated by a trusted friend.Sending good wishes in your work! </s>"
"<s>[INST]How come I feel ugly? [/INST]  Sounds as though you're taking the blame for the bad actions of your former husband.He did an ugly action, and instead of feeling only your own emotions in response to being cheated on, you are holding his ugly behavior within you and feeling it.Does this sound like a possible explanation of why your feeling of ugliness started after the cheating incident?You may start feeling better by looking within your own heart for the full effects of having been hurt. It is possible there is more suffering within you than you've realized until now.As you address all the emotional pain you've lived through, the feeling of ugliness may drop out all of its own. Because you'd be focused on you, not on any of the ugliness introduced into your life by your cheating ex husband. </s>"
"<s>[INST]Can a past therapist disclose information to a current therapist that you are seeing? [/INST]  Generally, the laws regarding confidentiality would require a past therapist to obtain your permission before disclosing any information about you to your current therapist.Depending on state law, there could be some exceptions to this general rule. For example, most states would allow your former therapist to provide information about you to your current therapist if he/she reasonably believed it would protect you or someone else from an imminent harm. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I want to stop physically abusing my girlfriend. [/INST]  Good for you for recognizing that a change has to be made quickly. Regardless of whether or not your girlfriend leaves your relationship, taking control of your anger needs to happen sooner than later. If left unresolved, it will follow you into any relationship you have. Have you talked to a therapist? I would suggest you take that step first. A therapist will help you explore the source of your anger and teach you new, adaptiveways of dealing with your anger. Until you're able to get some professional help, I would advise that you start recognizing when your emotions are becoming escalated and take a time out before the anger turns into aggression. If you feel yourself becoming heated, excuse yourself from the situation, go to a quiet place or on a walk, and practice some deep breathing. Clear your mind of the problem and focus only on your breathing as you inhale slowly counting to four and exhale slowly counting to six. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't work rightaway. Deep breathing takes practice!Return to the situation or your girlfriend only once you have calmed down and are confident that you are not going to hurt anyone. You might also want to ask your girlfriend to remind you to take a break when she recognizes that your emotions are escalating. Know that with help and support, especially from a therapist, the issues you have can be resolved and new ways of coping can be learned. Good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Should my step-daughters be told that their step-father has a child pornography addiction? [/INST]  Lorain, you're correct that your husband's ex-wife is (seriously) minimizing this problem. I have a very strong opinion here. In my book, the safety of children trumps potentially insulting or hurting the feelings of adults.Of course the girls should be told, because they have the right to know. Their voice is not the only one I'm concerned about here though. I believe your husband has the right to insist that his daughters be in a safe home, and there is clear evidence this man is not safe.This woman is putting her own comfort (she simply doesn't want to deal with her partner's situation, her own fears, or anyone else's needs) above the safety of two vulnerable girls. Honestly, if it was me, my kids wouldn't be even visiting that home with that man present, ""repented"" or not. It's not worth the risk. If she decides to stay with him, the natural consequence of having a known perpetrator in your home is not having access to vulnerable children in that same home. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I want to stop physically abusing my girlfriend. [/INST]  Hi Baton Rouge,I'm glad you're reaching out. The first step here is that you are taking some responsibility for your behaviours. I do hear you minimizing your actions (you say you don't ""hit her enough to cause harm""?), but you're headed in the right direction.I hope that in your pursuit of treatment you learn that the harm you're causing isn't just superficial bruising. The effects of using aggression and anger to control a person are deep and lasting wounds. Please seek treatment for yourself immediately.You say you love your girlfriend? Do you love her enough to leave the relationship while you address your issues? Are you brave enough to not lean on this relationship while you learn how to create a safe place for a partner?You have dangerous habits because you don't know how to manage your own emotional pain. You can unlearn this; and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Sometimes, however, the relationship in which you have done the hurting is best ended, for both of your sakes, because too much damage has been done.I know you don't want to lose her, but you don't own her, and you don't have the right to trap her in this because you're afraid of being alone. Right now, she needs some space to figure out what's best for her and the freedom to make whatever decision she wants.This is potentially the first step to learning real respect; honouring her need for safety above your need for comfort. I wish you well. </s>"
"<s>[INST]I don't feel a connection to my husband anymore. [/INST]  Lacey, I'm SO glad you wrote. Thousands of people are having this same feeling right now. I'm glad you're paying attention to it.When you first meet someone, there are all kinds of sparkly feelings and you both do and say lots of things to cement the attachment and create deep intimacy and connection. Then what happens is because we have that connection established, we instinctively cut back on those loving behaviours because we don't have to work hard to earn their love anymore. That sparkly feeling typically lasts a few years (long enough to procreate and keep the human race going), and then it wears off a bit, and you end up looking at each other thinking ""how come I don't feel the same anymore?""Mostly (not always, and I'll get to that in a minute) all that this means is you've stopped doing all those loving things you used to do! It's as though you filled the car with gas, you've run out of gas now, and you're forgetting to put more in!The first clear solution to this feeling is to bring back more of your own loving behaviours that you've cut back on. Act lovingly, and you will likely regain those feelings. Talk to your partner about this. It's okay to say ""do you remember we used to do X,Y and Z? Can we do that again? Can I get more of the foot rubs you used to give me?"" Ask for what you want (instead of complaining). What are your 'love languages'? What are your partner's?Marriages need to be fed. It's that simple. Many things get in the way...children, jobs, but mostly complacency. Get active with your love!Okay, now, you might read this and think ""that's not what's happening"". That's a cue to talk to someone, like a therapist, about your feelings. People do grow and change and sometimes relationships don't fit anymore. But these are huge decisions, not to be made lightly.I wish you happiness. </s>"
<s>[INST]Should my step-daughters be told that their step-father has a child pornography addiction? [/INST]  If the daughters are old & mature enough to understand substance abuse. They should be told for their own empowerment. KNOWLEDGE is their power of safety and protection. </s>
"<s>[INST]Am I wrong because I don’t want to sit on the same couch my wife had sex with another man on while we were still married? [/INST]  Houston, It's normal for this kind of thing to be a trigger, so I get why you don't want to sit on it, but to keep refusing keeps the affair alive. Am I to assume that you can't afford a new one? Ideally, she buys you a new couch, but it certainly would be a gesture of love for you to do it too and it will help you both move forward.t will be interesting to see if there's anything else that keeps the problem alive after the couch is long gone. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How can I be less anxious when dealing with my toddler? [/INST]  Hi Biddeford,This is a super goal. Feeling powerless is something parents are wise to get used to; there's a creature in the home whose job it is to find and use their power in the family and in the world. Of course your toddler defies you, and that's healthy. I worry more about the overly compliant ones. She is wanting to know what the rules are, and all you have to do is show her clearly where the lines are. I'll give you some tips.First, remind yourself that it's her job to learn what the rules are, and where her power is. Don't be so surprised when she wants it her way. If we go through our days being ready and prepared for these beautiful creatures to have minds of their own, we're less caught off guard when it happens.Avoid situations that invite power struggles. Any time you tell your daughter ""do this now"", you set up a power struggle. The good thing is that she's young enough you can pick her up; now is the time to teach her that mom's (or dad's) word means something. So, if you say ""let's get you dressed"", then be prepared to pick her up right away and show her that when you say something will happen, you can make it happen. And I'm talking about gently picking her up here...not roughly. Pick your battles; only give instructions when you have the power to make it happen.Give her choices, so she can see her power. Instead of opening her drawer and asking what she wants to wear, give her two choices. Here's an example...she's on the ipad and you say ipad time is over. She says ""no"". You can say ""ipad time is over. If you put it down, you can play later. If I have to take it away, you don't play it later."" The choice is hers. Then follow through.""When...then"" statements are really helpful. Your child asks for something. Instead of saying no, try ""as soon as the toys are picked up, we can have a snack"". You're simply a pleasant parent who wants the same thing they do...but they have to earn it.Staying calm yourself is the key, because then at least you will feel in control of yourself, which is the ultimate goal. Use self-talk to calm yourself. Remind yourself her behaviour is normal and healthy. Breathe through a moment in which you would have reacted, and it will be over by the time the breath is done. You can give yourself time to think before you make parenting decisions. Time is a useful tool not enough parents use. Good luck! </s>"
"<s>[INST]Is it possible to gain joy and prosperity in my relationship after years of unhappiness? [/INST]  Hi Winters, I learned a long time ago that I can't ever predict who will change and who won't. I meet couples who seem to have all the ingredients but can't make it work, and others who have severe issues and they decide to make better decisions and things change. But in reading your story, the image of a slot machine came to mind. You're gambling your life away on the chance that this guy will change. Only you can decide how many years to give it. I see him giving you clear signs that he doesn't even believe in himself or want to change though. What are you waiting for?Although you say you know his behaviours aren't your fault, something tells me that you're hoping your love for him will turn the key that unlocks something and makes him want to change. It doesn't work that way. Just like the slot machine, you have no power to change him or make this work. You can only decide when you've paid too much.I bet there's someone out there who loves and misses you. He's not your only support. </s>"
"<s>[INST]How do I get my girlfriend back? [/INST]  New York, what would it mean about you if you got her back? Is that the only way you can like or forgive yourself...if she forgives you and takes you back? Your self respect doesn't need to rely on this working with her. She simply doesn't want to be with you, and every day that you refuse to honour her decision is another day that you hurt her all over again. Move on and heal, perhaps with the help of a therapist. </s>"