[User] I hate it when I'm texting, I get rudely interrupted by a cyclist bouncing off my windscreen.

[Assistant] Lol people who text and drive would have this mentality unironically


[User] If you think the average American is dumb, realize that half of the country is even dumber than that

[Assistant] I think that's a George Carlin line.


[User] I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy

[Assistant] I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy…


[User] “I tip my hat to you, one asshole to another.”

[Assistant] Man, Stalin and Hitler really had a falling out


[User] I only trust people who like big butts, because they cannot lie.

[Assistant] Correlation is not causation.


[User]
It violates causality.
Have you heard the joke about the tachyon?

[Assistant] **DON'T PUT THE FREAKING PUNCHLINE-** ...Oh, I get it.


[User] Poop jokes are the lowest form of comedy.

[Assistant] The very bottom.


[User] "If I eat now, I won't be hungry later" seems more like a solution than a problem.

[Assistant] Posting a shower thought to r/oneliners seems more like a post that should be on r/showerthoughts


[User] I knew I shouldn’t have booked a Turkish clown

[Assistant] He just won't give my nose back


[User] I do public relations work for a company that sells bicycle wheels. I'm also their spokes person.

[Assistant] that's two lines


[User] My favorite teacher at school was Ms. Turtle, a strange name, but she tortoise well.

[Assistant] I heard she taught the slow kids.


[User] The only time the word "incorrectly" isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly

[Assistant] stop being so right it's wrong and take my goddamn orange arrow


[User] A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop

[Assistant] that is a funny, but very old joke.


[User]
What movie would have the best title / tag line if you changed one word with tits ?
I thought that Bruce Lee's Tits of Fury would be in the top 10.

What's yours ?

[Assistant] ~~Jaws~~ *Tits*


[User] Who decided to call it "marijuana possession" and not "joint custody?"

[Assistant] Ha. Haha. Ha.


[User]
Crap. Did anyone remember to wake up Green Day?
Now hum it.

[Assistant] Really old joke and actually kinda mean because the song is about his dead father.


[User] Muffins spelled backwards is exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.

[Assistant] ‘Poop time’ backwards is exactly what you do with it


[User] Did you know that if you took all the veins from a person's entire circulatory system and laid them out in one straight line, that person would die?

[Assistant] Are you subscribed to r/technicallythetruth


[User] My wife and I used to play catch with our son when he was a baby and when he got older we bought a football.

[Assistant] I used to wash my car with my kids when they were little.  But they won't let me pick them up now that they're teenagers, so now I just use a sponge.


[User] When my father asked me to get an organ donor card, I realised that he was a man after my own heart.

[Assistant] Takes guts to be an organ donor


[User] HOW MANY EXCLAMATION MARKS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB!!!!!!!!!

[Assistant] Not the brightest, are you?


[User] I used to be good a telling jokes, but now I just punch up the fuck line.

[Assistant] At least credit the [original commenter](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/a26y06/whats_a_joke_thats_so_stupid_its_funny/eaw64lp?utm_source=reddit-android) from AskReddit. Sigh!


[User] Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds really fun if you don't know what either of those two things are

[Assistant] Sounds as good as hog roasting at the Bay of Pigs


[User] The Lego stores have finally reopened and people are lined up for blocks.

[Assistant]
I opened this, expecting yet another Covid post... Then I saw the sub.

You got me.


[User] The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

[Assistant] It’s all fun & games ‘til someone has a heart attack.


[User] With great power comes great electricity bills.

[Assistant] Finally an actual one liner


[User] I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I'm buying 1-ply toilet paper

[Assistant] That is 2 lines though


[User] Hard to drag my sorry ass out the door on a Friday morning but I know that at the end of the day...

[Assistant] comes night.


[User]
People say the Abominable Snowman isn't real...
Yeti exists.

[Assistant] But the Bible says he is going to hell. He is an abomination.


[User] Obi wan and anakin walk into a brothel...

[Assistant] Master, I'm sure the council said we should travel to the *Wars*.


[User] I’m okay with smoking, alcohol and marijuana, but cocaine is where I draw the line.

[Assistant]
The **humans** find this **funny** because sometimes **words** can mean **two things**.

**Conclusion**:  *This is a celebration of a flawed language.*


[User] Do you know the worst part about rhetorical questions?

[Assistant]
Antici...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...


[User] I got a vasectomy because I was looking forward to not having any more kids but when I got home, they were still there.

[Assistant] I Child-Proofed my house but they still get in.


[User] Subreddit of the Month [November 2022] r/rentnerzeigenaufdinge/. Know of a small, humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] r/GermanHumor


[User] If you want to setup a company and run it then that’s your business.

[Assistant] Thank you for posting an actual one-liner!


[User]
In order to have a murder of crows, there must be probable caws.
&#x200B;

[Assistant] You should post this to r/dadjokes, they'll love it. Oh wait


[User] For those of you with feelings of paranoia that you are being watched: I want you to know that you are not alone.

[Assistant] You absolute motherfucker.


[User]
I don't get the big deal about measuring systems. Metric or imperial. Both are good
Anyway, I got a new garage, 12 wildebeest skulls high and  70 goldfish long.

[Assistant] Geeze you give some people a furlong, they take a parsec


[User] Am I the asshole reddit ?

[Assistant] No. You're the ear.


[User]
Being a lesbian vegetarian, people are always calling me a hummusexual
I was also toying with vagitarian..

[Assistant] Pescatarian not vegetarian if you still eat fish...


[User]
My daughter forgot what an "English muffin" was called.
She's asked for an "American biscuit".

This is not a joke. It actually happened.

[Assistant] She’d have got an Oreo in our house then.


[User] When I told my wife our neighbor died she said 'Who, Ray?' and I said honey we shouldn't celebrate these things.

[Assistant] I share a lot of one liners with a friend and was about to send this to her... the I realized that her brother Ray died last year. Umm, never mind.


[User] Without nipples, breasts are pointless

[Assistant] In this case, we really can’t milk it for all its worth.


[User] In Soviet Russia troops withdraw forward

[Assistant] One steps backwards..7000 step forwards


[User] The pen is mightier than the knife...

[Assistant] Yeah the sword got fired, sorry about that. Some bitch wrote on it and it broke down


[User] The only thing I kill for is...

[Assistant] Dead bodies


[User] I threw a ball for my dog tonight which is a bit extravagant but he looks awesome in a tuxedo.

[Assistant] Have you held balls for any other animals?


[User] Would like to share my oneliner about the tropical birds who got stuck together, but it's toucan fusing.

[Assistant] One can, but it's campbells.


[User] Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

[Assistant] Shampoo for my real friends; real poo for my sham friends.


[User] Boy was I disappointed when everyone else turned up wearing pants to bottomless brunch

[Assistant] Hakuna Mimosa!


[User] I got in trouble for bringing a goat to take your kid to work day.

[Assistant] My mother raised 15 kids, but that's the life of a goat farmers wife.


[User] This subreddit is deader than

[Assistant] Trump's social media reach


[User] Ima be 💯 percent transparent with you bruh

[Assistant] I am a window.


[User] "Dead or alive, you're coming with me" is a great movie quote but a terrible pickup line.

[Assistant] Depends on your tastes.


[User] What's purple and angry?

[Assistant] Barney when the cameras are off


[User] Yesterday I saw a book called "How to solve 50% of your problems" so I bought 2.

[Assistant]
but it only halves your current problems,

you still have 25% left?


[User] If there was a saggy boob competition, my wife would beat everyone, in fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.

[Assistant] Utilised use of the comma to avoid the /r/twoliner police.


[User] Cows have hooves instead of feet because they lactose.

[Assistant] Ha ha.


[User] A good pun is it’s own reword.

[Assistant] Great oneliner BUT it's its, not it's.


[User] An opinion without 3.14 is just an onion

[Assistant] Turn it off and you have an excited atom ;)


[User] When life gives you writer's block,

[Assistant]
How to procrastinate:

1. &#x200B;


[User] People are often shocked when they realize how bad of an electrician I am.

[Assistant] All reviewers are smoking hot.


[User]
What's the most popular blood type in Taiwan?
Taipei.

[Assistant] Don't Be Negative.


[User] "I'm gonna be frank with you."

[Assistant] And you can be David Baddiel.


[User]
What did the hat say to the tie?
You hang around here and I'll go on a head.

[Assistant] I'm gonna fuck you in the ass!


[User] I was thinking about the simplest way to shave my face when I discovered Occam's Razor.

[Assistant] Nice


[User] Erotic is using a feather, kinky is using the whole chicken.

[Assistant] Terry pratchett


[User] If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen, the door is always open.

[Assistant] I really love this one!


[User] You'd be jolly too, if you had a list of all the naughty girls and where they live.

[Assistant] Yule be jolly too*


[User] With great reflexes comes great response ability.

[Assistant] Uncle Ben......?  That you??


[User] Every sentence is a sexual innuendo if you think long and hard about it.

[Assistant] Innuendo? He he... Inyourendo


[User] You might describe an inspired cow as mootivated.

[Assistant] I’ve never herd that before.