{"How I Met Your Mother S01E01 Pilot": ["Kids, I'm gonna tell you\nan incredible story.", "The story of how I met your mother.", "Are we being punished for something?\n- No.", "Yeah, is this gonna take a while?\n- Yes.", "Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad,\nI had this whole other life.", "It was way back in 2005,", "I was 27, just starting\nto make it as an architect", "and living in New York with Marshall,\nmy best friend from college,", "My life was good,", "And then Uncle Marshall\nwent and screwed the whole thing up,", "Will you marry me?", "Yes. Perfect.", "And then you're engaged,\nyou pop the champagne, you drink a toast,", "you have sex on the kitchen floor.", "Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.\n- Got it.", "Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.", "Dude, are you kidding? It's you and Lily.", "I've been there for all the big moments\nof you and Lily.", "The night you met,\nyour first date, other first things.", "Yeah, sorry, we thought you were asleep.", "It's physics, Marshall.", "If the bottom bunk moves,\nthe top bunk moves, too.", "My God, you're getting engaged tonight.", "Yeah. What are you doing tonight?", "What was I doing? Here, Uncle Marshall", "was taking the biggest step of his life,\nAnd me?", "I'm calling up your Uncle Barney,", "Hey, so you know how I've always\nhad a thing for half-Asian girls?", "Well, now I've got a new favorite.\nLebanese girls.", "Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians.", "Hey, you wanna do something tonight?", "Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes.\nAnd suit up!", "Hey.\n- Where's your suit?", "Just once, when I say \"suit up,\"\nI wish you'd put on a suit.", "I did. That one time.\n- It was a blazer.", "You know, ever since college\nit's been Marshall and Lily and me.", "Now it's gonna be\nMarshall and Lily and me.", "They'll get married, start a family.", "Before long,\nI'm that weird middle-aged bachelor", "their kids call \"Uncle Ted.\"", "I see what this is about.", "Have you forgotten what I said to you\nthe night we met?", "Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live.", "Barney. We met at the urinal.\n- Oh, right. Hi.", "Lesson one, lose the goatee.\nIt doesn't go with your suit.", "I'm not wearing a suit.\n- Lesson two, get a suit.", "Suits are cool. Exhibit A.", "Lesson three,", "don't even think about getting married\ntill you're 30.", "Thirty. Right, you're right.", "I guess it's just, your best friend\ngets engaged,", "you start thinking about that stuff.\n- I thought I was your best friend.", "Ted, say I'm your best friend.", "You're my best friend, Barney.\n- Good.", "Then as your best friend, I suggest we play\na little game I like to call,", "\"Have you met Ted?\"", "No, no, no, no, we're not playing\n\"Have you met Ted.\"", "Hi, have you met Ted?", "Hi, I'm Ted.\n- Yasmin.", "It's a very pretty name.\n- Thanks. It's Lebanese.", "Hey.", "I'm exhausted.", "It was finger-painting day at school\nand a 5-year-old boy", "got to second base with me.", "Wow, you're cooking?\n- Yes, I am.", "Are you sure that's a good idea\nafter last time.", "You looked really creepy\nwithout eyebrows.", "I can handle this.", "I think you'll find\nI'm full of surprises tonight.", "So there's more surprises? Like what?", "Marshall was in his second year\nof law school,", "so he was pretty good\nat thinking on his feet,", "Boogedy boo! And that's all of them.", "I'm gonna go cook.", "I'm so happy for Marshall, I really am.", "I just couldn't imagine settling down\nright now.", "So do you think you'll ever get married?\n- Well, maybe eventually.", "Some fall day. Possibly in Central Park.", "Simple ceremony.\nWe'll write our own vows.", "Band, no DJ.", "People will dance,\nI'm not gonna worry about it.", "Damn it, why did Marshall\nhave to get engaged?", "Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning\nout his own imaginary wedding, huh?", "Actually, I think it's cute.\n- Well, you're clearly drunk.", "One more for the lady!", "Oh, hey, look what I got.", "Oh, honey, champagne.", "Yeah.", "No, you are too old to be scared\nto open a bottle of champagne.", "I'm not scared.", "Then open it.\n- Fine.", "Please, open it.", "Gosh, you are unbelievable, Marshall.", "There are two big questions\na man has to ask in life,", "One you plan out for months,\nthe other just slips out", "when you're half-drunk at some bar,", "Will you marry me?", "You wanna go out sometime?", "Of course, you idiot!", "I'm sorry, Carl's my boyfriend.", "What's up, Carl?", "I promised Ted we wouldn't do that.", "Did you know there's a Pop-Tart\nunder your fridge?", "No, but dibs.", "Where's that champagne?", "I wanna drink a toast with my fianc\u00c3\u00a9e.", "I don't know why I was so scared of this.", "It's pretty easy, right?", "Why am I freaking out all of a sudden?\nThis is crazy.", "I'm not ready to settle down.", "How does Carl land a Lebanese girl?", "The plan's always been", "don't even think about it until you're 30.", "Exactly. The guy doesn't even own a suit.", "Plus, Marshall's found\nthe love of his life.", "Even if I was ready, which I'm not,", "but if I was, it's like,\n\"Okay, I'm ready. Where is she?\"", "And there she was,", "It was like something from an old movie", "where the sailor sees the girl\nacross the crowded dance floor,", "turns to his buddy and says,", "\"See that girl?\nI'm gonna marry her someday,\"", "Hey, Barney, see that girl?", "Oh, yeah. You just know she likes it dirty.", "Go say hi.\n- I can't just go say hi.", "I need a plan.", "I'm gonna wait\nuntil she goes to the bathroom,", "then I'll strategically place myself\nby the jukebox so that...", "Hi, have you met Ted?", "Hi.", "Let me guess. Ted.", "I'm sorry, Lily.", "I'm so sorry. Take us to the hospital.", "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you hit her?", "Hit me? Please.", "This guy can barely even spank me\nin bed for fun.", "He's all, like, \"Oh, honey, did that hurt?\"", "And I'm, like,\n\"Come on, let me have you, you pansy.\"", "Wow, a complete stranger.\n- No, no, no, it's okay. Go on.", "So, these spankings,", "are you in pajamas or au natural?", "So what do you do?\n- I'm a reporter for Metro News 1.", "Oh.\n- Well, kind of a reporter.", "I do those dumb little fluff pieces\nat the end of the news.", "You know, like,\n\"Monkey who can play the ukulele.\"", "But I'm hoping to get some\nbigger stories soon.", "Bigger, like,\n\"Gorilla with an upright bass?\"", "Sorry. You're really pretty.", "Oh, your friends don't seem too happy.\n- Yeah.", "See, the one in the middle\njust got dumped by her boyfriend.", "So tonight, every guy is \"the enemy.\"", "You know,\nif it'll make your friend feel better", "you could throw a drink in my face.\nI don't mind.", "She would love that.\nAnd it does look fun in the movies.", "Hey, you wanna have dinner with me\nSaturday night?", "Oh, I can't.\nI'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday.", "Some guy's attempting\nto make the world's biggest pancake.", "Guess who's covering it?\n- That's gonna take a week?", "Yeah, he's gonna eat it, too.\nIt's another record.", "Hey, what's taking so long?", "I know this is a long shot,\nbut how about tomorrow night?", "Yeah. What the hell.", "Jerk!", "That was fun.", "De... Wait for it... nied.", "Denied.", "We're going out tomorrow night.", "I thought we were playing\nLazer Tag tomorrow night.", "Yeah, I was never gonna go play\nLazer Tag.", "The next night, I took her out\nto this little bistro in Brooklyn,", "Wow.", "That is one bad-ass blue French horn.\n- Yeah.", "Sort of looks like a Smurf penis.", "Son, a piece of advice,", "When you go on a first date,\nyou really don't want to say Smurf penis,", "Girls don't ordinarily like that,", "But this was no ordinary girl,", "Lily.", "How long have you been sitting there?", "Stupid eye patch.", "Mom, Dad,\nI have found the future Mrs. Ted Mosby.", "Marshall, how have I always described\nmy perfect woman?", "Let's see.", "She likes dogs?", "I've got five dogs.", "She drinks Scotch?", "I love a Scotch\nthat's old enough to order its own Scotch.", "Can quote obscure lines from\nGhostbusters?", "\"Ray, when someone asks you\nif you're a God, you say, 'Yes!\"'", "And I'm saving the best for last.", "Do you want these? I hate olives.", "She hates olives. Awesome!\n- The Olive Theory.", "The Olive Theory\nis based on my friends, Marshall and Lily.", "He hates olives, she loves them.\nAnd in a weird way,", "that's what makes them\nsuch a great couple.", "Perfect balance.", "You know, I've had a jar of olives\njust sitting in my fridge forever.", "I could take them off your hands.", "They're all yours.", "Oh, it is on!", "It is on till the break of dawn.", "But, wait, it's only the break of 10:30.\nWhat happened?", "I gotta get one of those blue French horns\nfor over my fireplace.", "It's gotta be blue, it's gotta be French.", "No green clarinet?\n- Nope.", "Come on, no purple tuba?", "It's a Smurf penis or no dice.", "There you are!", "We got a jumper.\nSome crazy guy on the Manhattan Bridge.", "Come on, you're covering it.", "All right, I'll be right there.", "I'm sorry.", "I had a really great time tonight.", "Yeah, well.", "So, did you kiss her?", "No, the moment wasn't right.", "Look, this woman\ncould actually be my future wife.", "I want our first kiss to be amazing.", "Oh, Ted, that is so sweet.", "So, you chickened out like a little bitch.", "What? I did not chicken out.", "You know what?\nI don't need to take first kiss advice", "from some pirate who hasn't been single\nsince the first week of college.", "Ted, anyone who's single\nwould tell you the same thing.", "Even the dumbest single person alive.", "And if you don't believe me, call him.", "Hey, loser, how's not playing Lazer Tag?\nBecause playing Lazer Tag is awesome.", "Oh, I killed you, Connor.\nDon't make me get your mom.", "Hey, listen,\nI need your opinion on something.", "Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes.\nAnd suit up!", "So, these guys think I chickened out.\nWhat do you think?", "I can't believe\nyou're still not wearing a suit.", "She didn't even give me the signal.", "What, is she gonna\nbat her eyes at you in Morse code?", "\"Ted,", "\"kiss me.\"", "No, you just kiss her.\n- Not if you don't get the signal.", "Did Marshall give me the signal?\n- No!", "I didn't, I swear.", "But, see, at least tonight,\nI get to sleep knowing Marshall and me,", "never gonna happen.\nYou should've kissed her.", "I should've kissed her.", "Well, maybe in a week\nwhen she gets back from Orlando.", "A week? That's like a\nyear in hot-girl time.", "She'll forget all about you.", "Mark my words,\nyou will never see that one again.", "There she is.", "She's cute. Hey, Carl, turn it up.", "Persuaded him to reconsider,", "At which point\nthe man came down off the ledge,", "giving this bizarre story a happy ending,", "Reporting from Metro 1 News,", "back to you, Bill,\n- The guy didn't jump.", "I'm gonna go kiss her.", "Right now.\n- Look, dude, it's midnight.", "As your future lawyer,\nI'm gonna advise you that's freaking crazy.", "I never do anything crazy.", "I'm always waiting for the moment,\nplanning the moment.", "Well, she's leaving tomorrow\nand this may be the only moment", "I'm gonna get.", "I gotta do what that guy couldn't.\nI gotta take the leap.", "Okay, not a perfect metaphor", "'cause for me\nit's fall in love and get married", "and for him it's death.", "Actually, that is a perfect metaphor.", "By the way, did I congratulate you two?", "I'm doing this.\n- Let's go.", "Word up.\n- We're coming with you.", "Barney?", "All right, but under one condition.", "Look at you, you beautiful bastard,\nyou suited up.", "This is totally going in my blog.", "Stop the car. Pull over right here.", "I gotta do something.", "Excuse me. Pardon me, just a sec.", "Enjoy your coffee.\n- Hey!", "Hey!", "Go, go, go!", "Everybody brings flowers.", "Okay, moment of truth.", "Wish me luck.\n- Ted's gonna get it on with a TV reporter.", "\"This just in.\" Okay.", "Kiss her, Ted. Kiss her good.\n- Kiss the crap out of that girl.", "Marshall, remember this night.", "When you're the best man at our wedding\nand you give a speech,", "you're gonna tell this story.", "Why does he get to be the best man?", "I'm your best friend!", "As I walked up to that door,\na million thoughts raced through my mind,", "Unfortunately,\none particular thought did not,", "I've got five dogs.", "Not good, not good,", "No!\n- Get back in there.", "You're wearing a suit!", "Ted?", "Hi.", "I was just...", "Come on up.", "He's in.", "So, Ranjit, you must have done it\nwith a Lebanese girl?", "Okay, that's my Barney limit.", "I'm gonna see\nif that bodega has a bathroom.", "Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.", "The women hot there?\n- Here's a picture of my wife.", "A simple \"no\"\nwould have sufficed.", "She's lovely.", "So, Ted, what brings you back to Brooklyn\nat 1:00 in the morning in a suit?", "I was just hoping to", "get those olives", "that you said I could have.", "Would you like those olives\nwith some gin and vermouth?", "Are you trying to get me drunk?", "For starters.", "Thank you.", "So, Marshall,\nthis Olive Theory based on you and Lily.", "Yeah.\n- You hate olives.", "Lily loves them, you can't stand them.\n- Yeah, I hate olives.", "Two weeks ago,\nSpanish bar on 79th Street.", "Dish of olives. You had some. What up?", "You have to swear\nthat this does not leave this cab.", "I swear.\n- I swear.", "On our first date, I ordered a Greek salad.", "Lily asked if she could have my olives.", "I said, \"Sure, I hate olives.\"", "But you like olives.", "Well, I was 18, okay? I was a virgin.", "Been waiting my whole life\nfor a pretty girl to want my olives.", "Marshall, I'm gonna give you\nan early wedding present.", "Don't get married.", "I think I like your Olive Theory.", "I think I like your new French horn.", "I think I like your nose.", "I think I'm in love with you.", "What?", "What?", "What?", "Come on, man, you said your stomach's\nbeen hurting, right?", "You know what that is? Hunger.\nYou're hungry for experience.", "Hungry for something new.\nHungry for olives.", "But you're too scared\nto do anything about it.", "Yeah, I'm scared, okay?", "But when I think of spending\nthe rest of my life with Lily,", "committing forever, no other women,", "doesn't scare me at all.", "I'm marrying that girl.", "Lily.", "Lily, I like olives.", "We'll make it work.", "So, Orlando? You gonna hit Disney World?", "You love me?\n- Oh, God.", "I can't believe I said that.\nWhy did I say that?", "Who says that?", "I should just go.\n- Hold on.", "Wait a minute.", "I promised you these.", "Olives.\n- Yeah.", "Thanks. I love you.", "What is wrong with me?", "Why are we still sitting here? Let's go.\nWe can still make last call.", "What do you say, Lil?\n\"Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum\"?", "'Cause you're a pirate?\n- Okay, eye patch gone.", "And we can't just abandon Ted.", "If it doesn't go well up there,\nhe's gonna need some support.", "It's been, like, 20 minutes.\nDo you think they're doing it?", "You think they're doing it\nin front of the dogs?", "Doggie style.", "I knew this girl in college,\nshe had this Golden Retriever...", "Okay, we can go to the bar.\nJust stop talking.", "Hit it, Ranjit.", "So, when you tell this story\nto your friends,", "could you avoid the word \"psycho\"?", "I'd prefer \"eccentric.\"", "Goodnight, psycho.", "Great.", "How do I get to the F train?\n- Oh.", "Two blocks, that way and take a right.\n- Thanks.", "You know what?", "I'm done being single. I'm not good at it.", "Look, obviously,\nyou can't tell a woman you just met", "you love her, but it sucks that you can't.", "I'll tell you something, though.\nIf a woman,", "not you, just some hypothetical woman,", "were to bear with me through all this,", "I think I'd make a damn good husband\nbecause that's the stuff I'd be good at.", "Stuff like making her laugh\nand being a good father", "and walking her five hypothetical dogs.", "Being a good kisser.", "Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.\n- Oh, I've got references.", "Goodnight, Ted.", "And I'm a good handshaker.\n- That's a pretty great handshake.", "And that was it.\nI'll probably never see her again.", "What?\n- That was the signal.", "That long, lingering handshake.\nYou should've kissed her.", "There's no such thing as the signal.", "But, yeah, that was the signal.", "Signal.", "Carl, thank you.\nThere's something I gotta do.", "By the way, you should've kissed her.", "Carl, you guys weren't there.", "I am so turned on right now.", "Guys, trust me. I've seen the signal.", "That was not the signal.\n- Yeah, Ted, we're not on you anymore.", "To my fianc\u00c3\u00a9e.\n- To the future.", "To one hell of a night.", "That was not the signal.", "I asked her about it years later,\nand, yeah, that was the signal,", "I could've kissed her,", "But that's the funny thing about destiny,\nit happens whether you plan it or not,", "I mean, I never thought\nI'd see that girl again,", "But it turns out,", "I was just too close to the puzzle\nto see the picture that was forming,", "Because that, kids, is the true story", "of how I met your Aunt Robin.", "Aunt Robin?", "I thought this was how you met Mom.", "Will you relax? I'm getting to it.", "Like I said, it's a long story."], "How I Met Your Mother S01E02 Purple Giraffe": ["Okay, where was I?\n- You were telling us how you met Mom.", "In excruciating detail.\n- Right.", "So, back in 2005, when I was 27,\nmy two best friends got engaged.", "And it got me thinking,\nmaybe I should get married,", "And then I saw Robin, She was incredible,", "I just knew I had to meet her,\nThat's where your Uncle Barney came in,", "I suggest we play a little game\nI like to call, \"Have you met Ted?\"", "No, no, no, no, we're not playing\n\"Have you met Ted.\"", "Hi, have you met Ted?", "So I asked her out,\nand I know this sounds crazy,", "but after just one date\nI was in love with her,", "which made me say something stupid,", "I think I'm in love with you.", "What?", "Oh, Dad.\n- So then what happened?", "Nothing,", "I mean, I'd made a complete fool of myself,", "So, a week went by\nand I decided not to call her,", "So, you're not gonna call her?", "You went from\n\"I think I'm in love with you\"", "to \"I'm not gonna call her\"?", "I wasn't in love with her, okay?", "I was briefly in love with\nthe abstract concept of getting married.", "It had absolutely nothing to do with Robin.", "Robin?\n- Hey.", "Look who I ran into.", "Since when do you guys know each other?", "Oh, since about here.", "Lily recognized me from the news...", "Hello, sailor.\n- They just got engaged.", "Well, I should get back to the station.\nSee you guys.", "Nice seeing you, Ted.\n- Yeah, you, too.", "Thanks.", "Damn it!\n- What?", "I'm in love with her.\n- No.", "As your sponsor, I will\nnot let you relapse.", "You blew it. It's over. Move on.\n- I don't know.", "I just have this feeling she's the future\nMrs. Ted Mosby.", "Lily, you squeaked?", "She said something about me, didn't she?\nCome on, spill it, Red.", "Fine.", "So, what do we think of Ted?", "Ted's something else.", "Huh?", "I'm gonna spin that as good.", "Lots of guys are something,\nI'm something else.", "He comes on a little strong.", "But that's part of my charm.", "But that's part of his charm.\n- Oh, totally.", "I mean, he's sweet, he's charming,\nhe's just looking for something", "a little bit more serious than I am.", "I mean, the most I can handle right now\nis something casual.", "This just stays between us, right?\n- Are you kidding?", "This flapper, Fort Knox.", "Oops.", "She wants casual?", "Okay, I'll be casual.", "I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual.", "You know why? 'Cause it's a game.", "I wanted to skip to the end\nand do the whole happily-ever-after thing,", "but you don't get there\nunless you play the game.", "So you gonna ask her out?\n- Yeah. No!", "I can't ask her out, because if I\nask her out I'm asking her out.", "So how do I ask her out\nwithout asking her out?", "Did you guys get high?", "I got it. I don't ask her out.", "I invite her to our party next Friday.", "We're having a party next Friday?\n- We are now.", "Casual.", "Yeah, 'cause nothing says \"casual\"\nlike inviting a hundred people", "over just to mack on one girl.\nOh, and Lily, that's my leg.", "You waited five minutes to tell me that?", "All right, so call her up.\n- No, calling's not casual.", "I just got to bump into her somewhere.", "Now, if only I knew her schedule,\nI could arrange a chance encounter.", "That's great, Ted.\nYou'll be the most casual stalker ever.", "Now, ever since Marshall\nput that ring on her finger,", "Lily had been, well, extra affectionate,", "Baby, no.", "I have a 25-page paper\non constitutional law due Monday.", "I've barely started.", "Hey, I'm just sitting here wearing my ring.", "My beautiful ring.", "Kind of makes wearing other stuff\nseem wrong.", "My shirt.", "Kind of don't wanna wear\nmy shirt anymore.", "Or my underwear.", "That's right. I'm not wearing any.", "No underwear?\n- Not even slightly.", "Guys.", "Boundaries.", "There she is.\n- Thanks, Bill,", "I'm reporting from\nthe Razzle Dazzle Supermarket", "on 75th and Columbus...", "75th and Columbus.", "Game on!", "Where four-year-old Leroy Ellenberg", "has climbed inside a Grab-A-Prize machine\nand gotten stuck.", "And all in the pursuit\nof a stuffed, purple giraffe.", "For Metro News 1, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.", "We're clear.\n- Thanks, Don.", "Ted?", "Robin? Wow, what are the odds?\n- What are you doing here?", "Oh, you know, just shopping for dip.", "I love dip. No, I don't love dip.\nI like dip.", "As a friend, you know.", "So, hey, you reporting a news story\nor something?", "Yeah, a kid stuck in a crane machine.\nHow sweet of you to call it news.", "Wow, kid in a crane machine.", "You just had to have that toy, didn't you?", "Couldn't play the game like everyone else.", "You're all sweaty.", "Cute kid.", "You know, it's so funny\nI should run into you.", "We're having a party next Friday\nif you feel like swinging by,", "but, you know, whatever.", "Oh, I'm going back home next weekend.", "It's too bad it's not tonight.\n- It is. It's tonight.", "This Friday. Did I say next Friday?\nYeah, sorry.", "I guess I've been saying\n\"next Friday\" all week.", "But, yeah, it's tonight.\nThe party's tonight.", "But, you know, whatever.", "Hello?\n- Hey, am I interrupting anything?", "No, no, I'm just writing my paper,\nhitting the books.", "Yeah, well, you and Lily\nmight want to put some clothes on.", "We're throwing a party in two hours.\nOkay, bye.", "So, Gatsby, what are you gonna do\nwhen Robin shows up?", "Okay, I got it all planned out.", "She steps through the door,\nAnd where is Ted?", "Not eagerly waiting by the door,", "No, I'm across the room\nat my drafting table", "showing some foxy young thing\nall my cool architecture stuff,", "So, Robin strolls over,\nand I casually give her one of these,", "\"Hey, what's up?\"", "She says,\n\"Hey, nice place, etcetera, etcetera,\"", "And then I say,", "\"Well, make yourself at home,\"", "And I casually return to my conversation,", "Then, an hour later,", "\"Oh, you're still here?\"", "I say, like I don't really care\nbut it's a nice surprise,", "And then, very casually,", "\"Wanna see the roof?\"", "The roof.\n- The roof.", "I get her up to the roof\nand the roof takes care of the rest.", "What's so special about the roof?", "Oh, the moon, the stars,\nthe shimmering skyline.", "You can't not fall in love on that roof.", "We do it up there sometimes.", "Solid plan, my little friends.\n- We're the same height.", "But may I suggest one little modification?", "BARNEY; That foxy young thing\nyou were chatting up?", "Take her up to the roof\nand have sex with her,", "Crazy, monkey-style...\n- That's not the plan.", "It should be the plan, I mean, look at her,\nTed, look at her,", "She's smoking,\n- Thank you.", "Yeah,\n- But she's not Robin.", "Exactly.", "Ted, let's rap.", "Statistic.", "At every New York party\nthere's always a girl", "who has no idea whose party she's at.", "She knows no one you know\nand you will never see her again.", "Do you see where I'm going, huh,\nwith this?", "Barney, I don't think so.", "Scoping, bip, scoping, bip.\n- Man, you're a dork.", "Bip, bip, bip, bip. Target acquired!", "And now it's time we play a little game\nI like to call,", "\"Have you met Ted?\"\n- Oh, come on, not this.", "Hi, have you met Ted?\n- No.", "Hi.\n- Hi.", "You know Marshall, Lily?\n- No.", "Do you know anyone at this party?\n- I work with Carlos.", "Excuse me. Anyone know a Carlos?", "No.\n- No.", "On a silver platter. Bon app\u00c3\u00a9tit,", "I don't think so.", "Your loss, her gain.\nExcuse me, can I show you the roof?", "It's magical up there.\n- Sure.", "Wait, wait, wait.\nHey, I got that roof reserved.", "Dude, Robin's not coming.\n- Hey, she's gonna show up.", "She'll show up.", "She didn't show up,", "At least, it was a great party.", "I ate like four whole cans of dip.", "You always know what to say, old friend.", "It's Robin.\n- Answer it.", "No, no, no, not right away.\nI gotta seem casual.", "Hello?\n- I'm so sorry I missed your party.", "Who is this? Meredith?\n- Robin.", "Oh, Robin.", "Hey, yeah,", "I guess you never showed up, did you?\n- No, I got stuck at work.", "But they finally got that kid\nout of the crane machine.", "Did he get to keep the purple giraffe?\n- Yeah, they let him keep all the toys.", "He was in there a long time\nand little kids have small bladders.", "I wish your party was tonight.", "It is. The party's tonight.", "Yeah, it's a two-day party,\n'cause that's just how we roll.", "So if you wanna swing by,\nyou know, it's casual.", "See you.", "So that was Robin.\n- What are you doing to me, man?", "I got a paper to write.\n- I know, I'm sorry. It's terrible.", "I'll buy more dip.\n- Ted, Ted, wait!", "Get French Onion!", "Can you believe this guy?\nI got a paper to write.", "Okay, fine.\nBut it's gotta be, like, super quick.", "And no cuddling after.\n- I'm the luckiest girl alive.", "Oh, you were so right about the roof.", "The roof. The roof is on fire Ted.", "That girl from last night,\nI took her back to my place,", "then this morning took her outside,\nspun her around a couple times", "and sent her walking.", "She will never find her way back\nand there she is.", "How did she get here? Did you invite her?\n- I have no idea who that is.", "She said she works with Carlos.\nWho's Carlos?", "I don't know any Carlos.", "Hi, you. You're back.\n- I sure am.", "Come on, sweetie, I need a drink.\n- Sweetie. Really?", "Help.", "Whoa, whoa, rabbits.", "Come on, I got that roof reserved.", "All right.", "So, it's over between me\nand Works with Carlos Girl.", "Oh, that was fast.\n- Yeah.", "I was trying to think,\nwhat's the quickest way", "to get rid of a girl you just met?", "I think I'm in love with you.\n- What?", "Thanks, bro.\n- Glad I could help.", "What the... No, no, no, no, come on.", "Sorry, Ted.", "Great. What am I gonna do\nwhen Robin shows up?", "She'll show up.", "She didn't show up,", "All right, we threw two parties,\neverybody had fun,", "everybody Wang-ed, everybody Chung-ed.", "Now the kid has got to get to work.\nAnd the kid is not to be disturbed.", "Repeat after me,\n\"I will not have sex with Marshall.\"", "I will not have sex with Marshall.\n- I will not have sex with Marshall.", "It's Robin.", "Hello?\n- Hi, Ted.", "Amanda? Oh, Denise, sorry.\nYou totally sounded like Amanda.", "It's Robin.\n- Oh, Robin.", "Hi.\n- I totally wanted to come,", "I got stuck at work again.\nI feel like I live there.", "Sorry I missed your party, again.", "Hey, ain't no thing, but a chicken wing,\nmamacita,", "Who am I?", "I guess there's no chance your two-dayer\nturned into a three-dayer?", "It did indeed. The party continues tonight.", "Yeah, last night people were, like,", "\"Keep it going, bro! Party trifecta!\"", "Wow, okay. Well, I'll be there.", "Great. See you tonight.", "So that was Robin.", "So I threw a third party\nfor Robin, on a Sunday night,", "Oh, this is lame.", "Lame or casual?", "Lame.\n- Or casual?", "Hey, law books.\nReady for a little 15-minute recess?", "Sorry, baby, I gotta work.\nI need all my blood up here.", "Has anybody seen\nAn Introduction to Contract, Tort", "and Restitution Statutes\nfrom 1865 to 1923?", "Anybody seen a big-ass book?\n- No.", "Hello, Barney.", "Of course.", "You look well.", "Is it weird they invited both of us?", "Who?", "Who invited you?\nNo one even knows who you are.", "I understand you're hurt,\nbut you don't have to be cruel.", "Carlos was right about you.", "Who is Carlos?", "Hey, where the hell is my...", "Oh!", "Okay.", "An Introduction to Contract,\nTort and Restitution Statutes", "from 1865 to 1923", "is not a coaster!", "Ted, I'm jeopardizing my law career\nso you can throw not one,", "not two, but three parties\nfor some girl that you just met", "who's probably not even gonna show up!", "I mean, where is she, Ted, huh?\nWhere's Robin?", "Hi. Hi, Robin.", "So, you threw all these parties for me?", "No. Oh, you thought that... No.", "Okay, yes. You got me.", "One of the reasons I threw these parties\nwas so that I could introduce you", "to this guy.", "I figured, you know,\nsince it didn't work out between us", "and now we can just laugh about it.", "Well, anyway, Robin, this is...\n- Carlos.", "She's still talking to Carlos.", "I can still win this. It's not over.", "Okay, buddy, time for the tough talk.", "Robin seems great,\nbut let's look at the facts.", "You want to get married", "and right now there's a million women\nin New York looking for exactly you.", "But Robin ain't one of them.", "She's not just one of them. She's the one.", "Yeah well, \"the one\"\nis heading up to the roof.", "What are you gonna do?", "Nothing. It's a game. I gotta just", "keep playing it.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "Carlos, can you give us a minute?\n- Hey, no sweat, hombre,", "See you.", "Robin, look, I didn't throw this party\nto set you up with Carlos", "or the one before that,\nor the one before that.", "I threw these parties\nbecause I wanted to see you.", "Well, here I am.", "There's something here.\nLook, unless I'm crazy.", "You're not crazy.", "I don't know, Ted.\nI mean, we barely know each other", "and you're looking at me with that look\nand it's like...", "What, like what?\n- It's like, \"Let's fall in love,", "\"and get married and have kids\nand drive them to soccer practice.\"", "I'm not gonna force sports on them\nunless they're interested.", "It's a great look,\nbut you're looking at the wrong girl.", "No, I'm not.\n- Yes, you are.", "I don't want to get married right now,\nmaybe ever.", "And if we go out together, I'd feel like", "I'd either have to marry you\nor break your heart", "and I just couldn't do\neither of those things.", "Just like you can't turn off\nthe way you feel.", "Click.", "Off. Let's make out.", "What?", "What? That was the off switch\nand I turned it off.", "I mean, look, sure, yes, I wanna", "fall in love, get married, blah,\nblah, blah. But, on the other hand,", "you, me,", "the roof.", "There's no off switch.\n- There is an off switch.", "And it's off.", "No, it's not.", "Yes, it is.", "No, it's not.\n- Yes,", "it is.", "Oh.", "No, it's not.", "You're right. There's no off switch.", "God, I wish there was an off switch.\n- Me, too.", "God, I wish there was an off switch.\n- Me, too.", "So...", "What do we do now?", "We could be friends.", "Look, I know it sounds insincere\nwhen people say that", "but we could.", "I don't know, Robin.", "I made such a jackass of myself here,", "we start hanging out,\nevery time I see you, it'll be like,", "\"Oh, that's right, I'm a jackass.\"", "You're not a jackass.", "Look, I'm sorry. I only moved here\nin April, and I'm always working.", "And I just haven't met\na lot of good people so far.", "But I understand.", "Well,", "maybe in a few months\nafter it's not so fresh we could all,", "you know, get a beer.", "Yeah. That sounds good.", "I'll see you, Ted.", "Or, you know, now.", "We could all get a beer now.", "I'd like that.", "My friends are gonna love you, like you,\nyou know as a friend.", "Jackass.", "Unbelievable.", "That's just a recipe for disaster.\nThey work together.", "You jealous?\n- Oh, please.", "What does Carlos have that I don't?\n- A date tonight?", "Stop the tape. Rewind, play it again.", "A date tonight?", "I'm not sure I like her.", "Hey, don't you have a paper to write?", "Dude, you're talking to the kid.\n- I know it.", "I'm gonna knock back this beer,\nI'm gonna knock back one more beer,", "I'm gonna go home,\nI'm gonna write a 25-page paper,", "I'm gonna hand it in\nand I'm gonna get a \"A.\"", "My name is Rufus and that's the Troofus.", "He got a B-minus,", "But, still, 25 pages in one night, B-minus?\nThe kid was good,", "At least, let me buy you a beer.\nCome on, I'll buy everyone a beer.", "I'll help carry.", "You know something, Ted?\n- What?", "You are a catch.\nYou're gonna make some girl very happy.", "And I am going to help you find her.", "Well, good luck.", "I mean, maybe,\nNew York is just too big a town.", "I mean, there's millions of people\nin this city.", "How, in all this mess, is a guy\nsupposed to find the love of his life?", "I mean, where do you even begin?", "Hi, have you met Ted?"], "How I Met Your Mother S01E03 Sweet Taste of Liberty": ["So there was this one night,\nbefore I met your mother,", "when I really wanted to go to the bar.", "The bar. Big surprise.", "You sure spent a lot of time in bars.", "Well, that's just what we did back then.", "Me, Marshall and Lily, Barney, Robin,", "We all used to hang out\nat this one bar called MacLaren's,", "But then one night...", "Why don't we go to MacLaren's?\n- Let's go to MacLaren's.", "You guys talking to each other?", "Nobody's listening?\n- What's wrong with MacLaren's?", "MacLaren's is bore snore.\nTed, tonight we're gonna go out.", "We're gonna meet some ladies,\nit's gonna be legendary. Phone-five!", "I had no idea\nwhy I hung out with Barney,", "You didn't phone-five, did you?\nI know when you don't phone-five, Ted.", "Come on. We always go to MacLaren's.", "Yeah, 'cause MacLaren's is fun.", "MacLaren's is this much fun.", "What I'm offering\nis the chance to have this much fun.", "See, you say that.\nYou say it's gonna be this much fun,", "but most of the time,\nit ends up being this much fun.", "This much fun is good. It's safe.\nIt's guaranteed.", "This hand-gesture thing\ndoesn't really work on the phone, does it?", "No, it doesn't.", "Get in the cab. Marshall, you, too.", "I wish I could.\nI think Lily and I are just gonna...", "I understand. Get in the cab.\n- Why can Marshall say no?", "Because he's getting laid.", "Consistently.", "Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here.", "You keep going to the same bar.\nYou're in a rut.", "And I am a rut-buster.\nI'm going to bust your rut.", "It's not a rut, okay?\nIt's a routine and I like it.", "Ted, what's the first\nsyllable in \"rut-tine\"?", "Peace out, suckers!", "All right, so what's this legendary plan?", "First, we gotta pick someone up\nat the airport.", "Okay, I'm out of here.\n- Estaban, doors!", "Okay, we just do this one little thing\nand the rest of the night is ours.", "Why do you have those suitcases\nand who are we picking up?", "I don't know. Maybe her. Or her.", "Wait. So, when you said you were\ngoing to pick someone up at the airport,", "you meant you were going to\npick someone up at the airport?", "Scenario.", "Couple of girls fly into town\nlooking for a fun weekend in NYC", "when they meet two handsome\ninternational businessmen", "just back from a lucrative trip to Japan.", "Sample dialog. You have a wheelie bag?", "Why, I have a wheelie bag.", "You've got to be kidding me.\n- False.", "Sidebar. Tuck in your shirt.\nYou look sketchy.", "I'm sketchy?\n- Trust me, it's gonna be legendary.", "Don't say legendary, okay?", "You're too liberal with the word legendary.", "We're building an igloo in Central Park.\nIt's gonna be legendary.", "Snowsuit up!", "Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here!", "This is happening.", "Now, you can either put the bags\non the carousel now", "or you can listen to me\ngive you a really long speech", "convincing you to put the bags\non the carousel. Your move.", "Ted, since the dawn of time,\nmankind has struggled...", "That night,\nMarshall had a ton of studying to do,", "So, Lily went out with Robin", "who was new to New York\nand looking for a friend,", "I'm so glad we finally get to hang out,", "just the two of us.\n- Yeah.", "And you sure you're okay\ngiving up your Friday night", "to hang with an old, almost-married lady?", "Oh, please.\nI'm so sick of the meat-market scene.", "Guys are like the subway.", "You miss one,\nanother one comes along in five minutes.", "Unless it's the end of the night,\nand then you get on anything.", "Compliments of that guy.", "Really? Sweet.", "Oh. For you it's $6.", "I guess that's one drawback\nto being engaged.", "I'm sure that's why he did it.\n- Hey.", "Oh, hello.", "So, did you just get in from Detroit?", "Japan.", "Okay, carousel four is tapped out. Ready?", "'Cause I'm about to drop some knowledge.\nCute girls are not from Buffalo.", "Time out. Ten o'clock.", "You ready to rock this, Tedder?", "All right, I think we need to refine\nour back-story first.", "How did we...\n- Ted! You klutzy, great guy you!", "Hey. Barney.", "Hi.\n- My God, are you okay?", "I am so sorry.\n- It's fine, no.", "You were a little shaky on your landing.\nI'd give you a 9.2.", "Hi, I'm Ted.", "Laura. Look, I'm really sorry\nthat we have to hit and run,", "but we've got a plane to catch.", "Oh, where are you headed?\n- Philadelphia.", "Philly? That's where we're headed.\n- You are?", "Well, then, we'll see you on the plane.\n- Yes, you will.", "Follow them. Tickets on me.\n- No. Barney!", "Don't you get on that escalator!", "And don't you dare\nget on that subsequent escalator!", "Are you all right?\n- Yeah.", "Hey, guess where I am? I'm on a... Ready?\nPlane to... Ready? Philadelphia.", "That is awesome.\n- Hey, is that Marshall?", "Marshall, stop whatever you're doing,", "get in that hoopty-ass Fiero of yours\nand come meet us in Philly.", "It's gonna be legendary!", "Man, I wish I could, guys...", "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I sent you\nsome pictures on my phone. Check it.", "Philly!", "Admit it, you're having fun.", "This much... 35,000 feet of fun.", "Well, I didn't think\nI'd be flying to Philadelphia", "when I woke up this morning,\nI'll give you that.", "Attaboy. Now let's go talk to those girls.", "Wait, wait. The seat-belt sign's on.", "Ted, you've been living your whole life\nin a seat belt.", "It's time to unclick.", "Sir, seat-belt light's on.\n- Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry.", "Well, I grew up in Park Slope.", "Oh, I love Park Slope.\nWhen did you move to Manhattan?", "You're from Park Slope?\n- No, she is.", "So, where are you from? Heaven?", "Yeah, I'm a ghost.", "I died 15 years ago,\nlike that pick-up line.", "God, I'm so sorry.\n- Oh, believe me, I've been there.", "I have this line that I use\nwhen guys come up... Check it out.", "Hey.", "You take this one,\nI'll save it for the next one.", "So, what brings you guys to Philly?\n- We're visiting our boyfriends.", "I think Chris is gonna propose\nthis weekend.", "Isn't that great?", "So great.", "So, there we were,", "stuck on an airplane to Philadelphia\nwith two very un-single girls,", "All thanks to your Uncle Barney,", "Aren't they cute?", "They're both linebackers for the Eagles.\n- Both!", "Both of their boyfriends are linebackers.", "You're going to Philly? Why?", "I didn't ask.", "Well, it sounds like\nyou're having a lot more fun than I am.", "I'm just talking to guys' backs\nwhile they hit on Robin.", "Well, yeah, I bet she gets that a lot.", "Don't you bet I get that a lot?", "Not with a ring on your finger.", "I mean, you know, guys see the ring,\nit's, like, Marshall parking only.", "Oh, of course. That's it. The ring.", "I guess I'm not used to it yet.", "Oh, it's totally the ring.\nIf you took that ring off your finger", "you'd have a ton of guys\ncrowding your junk.", "I'm not gonna take off my ring.", "Wouldn't you be jealous of guys\nswarming all over my beeswax?", "Oh, yeah. You know me,\nI'm the jealous type.", "Any goon so much as looks at you,\nI'll sock him in the kisser!", "No, seriously,\nyou girls have a good time tonight.", "Bye.", "Robin! Robin!", "Hey, I'm over here.", "Going to Philly!", "Marshall, don't come to Philly.", "But we're on an adventure.", "We're on a tarmac in Philadelphia.", "Crazy adventure.", "Fine.", "No. No. The night has just started.", "Look, airport bar. Flight attendants.", "They'll get your tray table\nin its full, upright position.", "Say what?\n- Passengers Mosby and Stinson?", "Please come with us, gentlemen.", "Keep your hands where I can see them.\n- Barney, I am going to kill you.", "Don't say you're gonna kill someone\nin front of airport security.", "Not cool. Not cool.", "This is an outrage.", "We are international businessmen", "on a very important\ninternational business trip.", "I demand you release us immediately.", "You demand?\nNo, no, no, no, he does not demand.", "We have no demands.", "Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you\nto remain calm.", "Okay, I'm calm. I'm totally calm.", "We've got footage of you placing two bags\non JFK carousel three,", "and abandoning them\nto purchase a last-minute flight with cash.", "Those bags were your responsibility.\n- They were your bags.", "Sir, please.", "We're assessing the bag situation.", "Look. This is all just...\nIt's a misunderstanding.", "Please.", "We are international businessmen.", "My colleague\naccidentally left the bags there.", "Now, please let us go before we miss\nour international business meeting.", "Can't remember the last time\nI saw an international businessman", "with an untucked shirt.", "In addition, we received this footage,\ntaken over the last few months.", "Believe it or not,\nthat duffle bag thing worked.", "The truth is, my friend, he does this thing", "where he goes to airports\nwith fake luggage to pick up girls.", "And we followed some here\nto Philadelphia.", "That's it. That's all this is.", "Nobody's that lame.", "Yes, he's that lame.\nTell him you're that lame.", "We are international businessmen...\n- Oh, come on!", "Sir! Lower your voice\nor I will restrain you.", "Dude, seriously, relax.", "We at least get to call our lawyer.\n- Exactly.", "We have a lawyer?", "Listen to me.\nYou're both American citizens.", "Don't let them pull any Patriot-Act voodoo.\nYou both retain the right", "to refuse to answer any questions\nwithout an attorney present.", "So don't say anything\nuntil I get there, all right?", "Okay, goodbye.", "Oh, it's ridiculous in here.\nWhy don't we go somewhere else?", "No. This place is great.", "What are you doing?\n- What?", "With your lips and everything?", "My lips are always like this.", "You had to play the race card.", "Relax, Ted, we didn't do anything wrong.", "And, BTW, we'd be out of here by now\nif you'd have tucked in your shirt.", "Go ahead, JFK.\nWhat is the baggage status?", "They're clean.\nIt's just a whole bunch of condoms.", "And a PowerBar.", "You're free to go.", "Don't come to Philly,", "Man, I'm almost halfway there.\n- Yeah, we just got released", "and we're heading back on the next flight.", "Meet us at MacLaren's.\nMaybe we can still make last call.", "Can't we just...\n- No, we can't \"just,\" we're going home.", "We're going to Sascha's.\n- Who the hell is Sascha?", "Sascha.", "She's having friends over for drinks\nat her house.", "It's gonna be legend... Wait for it,", "and I hope you're not lactose intolerant,", "'cause the second half of that word\nis \"dairy.\"", "No!\n- Legendary!", "Legendary? That sounds awesome!\n- No, Marshall, we're going back.", "Fine.", "Hold on, I have another call.", "Hello?\n- Marshall, we're going to Sascha's.", "No, we're not.", "Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here. Yes, we are.", "Sorry, buddy. Two against one.", "Look, a booth opened up.\n- Really?", "Yeah, I thought we could finally go talk\nand you're not listening to me,", "so I'm gonna walk away.\n- Yeah, yeah, booth.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "I'm engaged. You know, I'm sorry.\nI took my ring off.", "It's very, very sweet of you\nto come over and talk to me, but I just...", "Yeah, I'm gay.", "I just came over to let you know\nthat you sat on a grape.", "Damn it!", "So, Barney and I hit the town,", "Philadelphia, PA,", "Our first and only stop, Sascha's party,", "So, you're Sascha's friends, huh?", "You know it.", "You guys, keep the volume\ndown. You're gonna wake my grandpa.", "Who wants hard lemonade?", "Philly!", "Philly.", "Back at the bar, girls'night out\nwasn't going as Robin had hoped,", "Lily's phone.\n- Robin? Where's Lily?", "She's...\n- Is she talking to some hot guy?", "You can tell me. It's totally cool.\nIt was my idea.", "Hell, I told her she\ncould take the ring off.", "Really? Well, I thought it was kind of\nweird, but if you're cool with it...", "Yeah, it's off,\nand she's talking to some guy.", "Do you want me to go over and...\n- No! Don't interrupt. It's awesome.", "So, the ring's really off, huh?", "Awesome.", "Well, just tell her I called", "and tell her that she's awesome.", "Did you hear that, Ted?\nDana works security at the Liberty Bell.", "I do okay.", "Wow, it must be\nreally well cordoned-off over there.", "Do you ever go behind the rope\nand touch it?", "Only all the time.", "You ever, like, stick your head inside it?", "Yeah.", "Do you ever lick it?\n- Nope.", "I have never licked it.", "I bet nobody in history\nhas ever licked the Liberty Bell.", "If someone were to pull that off,", "I dare say it would be... What's the word?", "Well, this is my stop.\n- Ted, legendary.", "Barney, I'm going to the airport.\nSascha, thank you.", "And tell your grandpa I'm sorry\nI walked in on him in the bathroom.", "I'll get some club soda for that stain.", "Lily, I thought tonight\nwas about us hanging out?", "What are you doing?", "Just fending off the advances\nof that totally hot guy.", "Dude, I think that guy is gay.\n- I know that guy is gay.", "It's just... Marshall and I\nhave been together for nine years.", "I haven't been single since high school.", "You wanna be single?", "You wanna fight off loser guys all night?\nDoes that seem like fun to you?", "I guess I just wanted to throw this net\nback into the ocean", "and see how many fish I could catch.", "So far, one. One gay dolphin.", "And Marshall.", "Lily, all these girls here tonight", "are all hoping to catch\nwhat you've already got.", "You're right. I know.", "Hey, do you wanna go get coffee\nand have an actual conversation?", "If by coffee you mean cheesecake,\nthen yes.", "Hey, I got the club soda.\nLet's see that booty.", "Thank you so much.", "You wanna mess, pal?", "That's my fianc\u00c3\u00a9e's hot backside\nthat you're dabbing!", "Marshall, no!\n- Baby, please.", "Don't ever take that ring off again,\nno matter how awesome I say that it is.", "It's okay, man.\n- Back off, hombre!", "I'm not that afraid to fight you!", "You wanna test this, guy?\nBe my guest, come on.", "Marshall, he's gay.", "Oh, thank God.\nI've never been in a fight before.", "You don't say.", "So, it turned out Uncle Marshall\nreally was the jealous type,", "Unfortunately, that guy's boyfriend?\nAlso the jealous type,", "Could've licked the Liberty Bell.", "We're going to the airport.", "Bong.", "Bong.", "Why do I hang out with you? Why?", "All I wanted was to have a regular beer\nat my regular bar,", "with my regular friends in my regular city.", "Ted, Ted, Ted.", "You're not even looking.\n- No, I'm not.", "Look, our forefathers died\nfor the pursuit of happiness. Okay?", "Not for\nthe sit-around-and-wait of happiness.", "Now, if you want, you can go to\nthe same bar, drink the same beer,", "talk to the same people every day.\nOr you can lick the Liberty Bell.", "You can grab life by the crack\nand lick the crap out of it.", "That was beautiful, man.", "Thanks, Leonard.", "Ted, you're missing out\non a valuable life lesson here.", "Look, I don't need you to teach me\nhow to live, okay? I know how to live.", "If you wanna go lick the Liberty Bell,\njust go lick it yourself.", "No. It has to be the two of us.\n- Why? Why do you need me?", "Because you're my best friend, all right?", "You don't have to tell me I'm yours.\nBut the way I see it, we're a team.", "Without you, I'm just the dynamic uno,", "So, fine.", "If you wanna go home, then we'll go home.", "Fine. We'll go lick the Liberty Bell.", "Good, 'cause we're here.", "I had no idea how Barney redirected\nthe cab without me knowing,", "but we got out, Dana let us in,", "and by God, we licked the Liberty Bell,", "And you know what it tastes like?\n- What?", "Freedom.", "No, actually it tastes like pennies.", "Oh, my God. Did you guys really do that?", "We really did,", "And that was when I realized\nwhy I hung out with Barney,", "I never got where I thought I wanted to go,\nbut I always got a great story,", "So, that girl you were talking to,\nthat was Mom?", "Kids, every story in a man's life\nis like a dot", "in an impressionist painting, and when...\n- So that's a no?", "Yeah, that's a no.", "What? Come on."], "How I Met Your Mother S01E04 Return of the Shirt": ["Kids, when you're single, all you're\nlooking for is happily-ever-after,", "but only one of your stories\ncan end that way.", "The rest end with someone getting hurt.\nThis is one of those stories.", "And it starts with a shirt.\n- A shirt?", "Just listen.", "Because none of this\nwould have happened", "if it hadn't have been for that shirt,", "Nice shirt.\n- Right? Right?", "Look at those colors.\nGreen and brown, together at last.", "Hot top, bro. Is it new?\n- That's the crazy part.", "I've had this shirt for, like, six years.\nUntil this morning, I wasn't into it at all,", "but now it's like my tastes have changed.", "Booger.\n- Yes, hello, Barney.", "Barney's offered me 50 bucks to say\nsome stupid word on a live news report.", "Not some stupid word. \"Booger.\"", "But I'm not doing it. I am a journalist.\n- What? Journalist?", "You do the little fluff pieces\nat the end of the news.", "Old people, babies, monkeys.\nThat's not journalism.", "That's just things in a diaper.", "For your information,\nmy boss is about to bump me up", "to the City Hall beat.\n- City Hall. Miss Thing!", "So I'm not gonna jeopardize my promotion\nby saying \"booger\" for 50 bucks.", "Of course not.", "'Cause now you're saying \"nipple\"\nand it's $100.", "Step into my web.", "Whose bourbon is this?", "I don't know.\nIt was here when we sat down.", "The point is, I seem to like bourbon now.", "I could have sworn I hated bourbon.", "First the shirt, now bourbon.", "I spent 27 years making up my mind\nabout things, right?", "The movie I saw once and hated,", "the city I'll never go back to\n'cause it was raining the day I visited.", "Maybe it's time to start forming\nsome second impressions.", "You're finally gonna watch Goonies again.", "\"Sloth love Chunk.\"", "Not Goonies, Girls.", "What if there's someone from my past", "who I thought was wrong for me\nat the time,", "when, in fact, she, like this shirt,\nis actually a perfect fit?", "Hold up. There are only two reasons\nto ever date a girl you've already dated.", "Breast implants.", "This isn't a bad idea.", "Let's think. Ted's greatest hits.", "What about that girl, Steph?\n- Steph.", "Okay, this is difficult to say.", "Back when I lived in LA,\nI was pretty broke,", "so I spent a month making adult films.", "Wow! Okay. How many did you make?", "175.", "Say what you will about the porn industry,\nthey're hard workers.", "What about that chick, Jackie?", "And my bathing suit\nhad fallen completely off.", "I know the feeling. Once, when I was 16,", "I was driving and I hit this hitchhiker.", "Don't know what happened to him.\nJust kept driving.", "No.", "What about Natalie?", "Natalie!\n- Natalie!", "Who's Natalie?", "Natalie, I had so many\nfond memories of her,", "The tea candles on her dresser,", "The sock monkey collection on her bed,", "That one Belle and Sebastian song\nshe always listened to,", "Her smile,", "Man, I haven't seen her in,\nlike, three years.", "Well, why did you guys break up?", "I just wasn't looking\nfor a big commitment at the time.", "Course, now a big commitment\ndoesn't seem so bad.", "Maybe I should call her.\nWhat do you guys think?", "You dumped a porn star?", "Friendship over.", "Friendship over!", "Come in. All right, get back to me then.", "You wanted to see me, Mr. Adams?\n- Yes, I did.", "I need you to cover a story.\nIt's down at City Hall.", "City Hall? Oh, my God.", "So next time you're passing City Hall,", "make sure and stop by\nNew York's oldest hot dog cart.", "Today, a delicious hot dog\nwill cost you $2.50,", "but back when the stand\nfirst opened in 1955,", "you could get one for only a nipple.", "Reporting live, Robin Scherbatsky,\nMetro News 1.", "I said \"nipple\" on the news.\nThat was so unprofessional.", "I said \"nipple\" on the news.", "At least it's better than \"booger.\"", "Booger.", "There she is.", "Hey, is it cold in here?\n'Cause I can kind of see Robin's nickels.", "Now, for your next challenge.", "There is not going to be another challenge.\nI don't care how much you offer me.", "Oh, search your soul, Robin.", "You and I both know\nthis wasn't about the money.", "Sure, Metro News 1 pays you jack.", "And, hey, a little green salad on the side\nis good for you, me, and Mr. McGee.", "Seriously, who talks like that?", "What baby really likes\nis the thrill of pulling one over", "on those bean counters\nwho under-appreciate you", "and still haven't promoted you.", "And, so, for two more hundy-sticks,\nbaby's gonna look in the camera", "and say this.", "I'm just assuming.", "I gotta get back to work.", "See you.\n- Bye.", "Baby's gonna think about it.", "Found it. I found Natalie's number.", "Hey, Ted, nice shirt.\nIs it yesterday already?", "Thank you.", "I am calling her. This is crazy. I haven't\ntalked to her in, like, three years.", "I wonder if she even remembers me.", "Hello?\n- Natalie.", "It's Ted Mosby.\n- Go to hell!", "She remembers me.", "Why would Natalie hang up on you?\n- I don't know.", "Did you sleep with her sister?\n- No.", "Did you sleep with her mom?\n- No.", "I'm losing interest in your story.", "Well, you must have done something.\nWhy did you guys break up?", "He wasn't ready for a commitment.", "And her birthday\nmight have been coming up.", "Okay, so I didn't want to get\na boyfriend-level gift", "for a girl I was just\nabout to break up with.", "So you dumped her\nright before her birthday?", "No! I didn't dump her\nright before her birthday.", "Natalie! Hey, happy birthday!", "Listen...", "Never break up with a girl on her birthday!", "Lily, please! The shirt!\nI know! It was a mistake.", "Well, did she cry her eyes out?\n- I don't know.", "How do you not...", "You didn't.", "Natalie! Hey, happy birthday!", "Listen,", "you're awesome.", "You really are awesome.", "I'm just, like, super busy right now,", "so maybe we should just call it a day.", "But you're awesome.", "On her answering machine!\n- Okay.", "And on her birthday!\n- Lily, come on.", "Who breaks up with somebody\non their answering machine", "on their birthday?\n- Yeah, dude, e-mail.", "Not exactly the point\nI was trying to make, Marshall.", "That is a terrible way\nto break up with someone.", "Okay, in my client's defense,", "is there an un-terrible way to break up\nwith somebody? No.", "Personally, I'd rather hear the bad news\non an answering machine", "than face the humiliation in person.\nIt's the least painful way you can do it.", "Who are you calling?\n- Hi, Marshall, it's Lily.", "We're not gonna have sex\nfor at least a month,", "but you're awesome. Okay, bye-bye.", "No, that was a big mistake, Ted.\nYou should have done it in person.", "Thank you.", "Desperate, please-don't-leave-me sex\nis amazing.", "Okay, it was childish and stupid.\nI just... I didn't want to see her cry.", "Well, guess what? She cried.", "You just didn't have the sack\nto face those tears.", "That was me then, okay?", "This is the new, old-shirt-wearing,\nsack-having Ted.", "I'm gonna make this right.\n- You know what else?", "\"My younger sister just got married\nand I'm about to turn 30\" sex.", "Fantastic!", "An occasion that was supposed\nto be joyous suddenly turned tragic", "when Ethel and Sadie Margolis,\nNew York's oldest twins,", "suddenly passed away on this,\nthe eve of their 100th birthday.", "I'm a dirty, dirty girl.", "Reporting live, Robin Scherbatsky,\nMetro News 1.", "Joel Adams wants to see you in his office.", "Before you say anything, I just wanna say\nI really like working here at Metro News 1.", "That's great. So my dog keeps going...", "What?", "What? Well, you have dogs, right?\nWhat do you think that means?", "Take him to the vet.", "Genius. That's one I owe you.", "Was that all?\n- Yeah.", "And nothing about the twins story?\n- Oh, yeah. Great job on that one.", "New York loves you.\nYou're a superstar. Bye-bye.", "That's when Robin realized", "no one, not even her boss,\nwatched Metro News 1,", "Hi.", "Natalie, come on.\nI just wanna say I'm sorry.", "I only came down here\n'cause you wouldn't take my call.", "Hey, here's an idea.\nWhy don't you leave a message?", "Good one. Okay, fine.", "I'm just gonna leave\nthis sock monkey here.", "Goodbye.", "Okay, okay. Look, look, look,\nI know you're mad, but", "happy birthday, three years ago.", "Oh, yeah? Up yours, three years ago.", "Look, look, I was an idiot,\nleaving that message.", "I realize how much that sucked.\n- No, you don't.", "Maybe we should just call it a day,", "But you're awesome,", "Okay, bye,", "Surprise.", "There was a surprise party that night?\nHow come nobody told me?", "People think I can't keep a secret,\nbut I totally can.", "Sorry. Not the issue.", "Look, Natalie, I was just a stupid kid\nback then, terrified of commitment.", "And I suppose you're suddenly ready\nto get married and settle down?", "Well, yeah, actually.\nI'm a different guy now.", "Give me another chance.", "You must think I have\nabsolutely no self-respect.", "Come on. Just a cup of coffee.", "Please, Natalie, give the guy a chance.", "Self-respect is overrated.", "Wow!", "Maybe it was the caffeine,", "but you really brought your game up\nto a whole new level.", "Thanks.\nI did just start subscribing to Esquire,", "They have some helpful columns.", "The following is from the October issue.", "So Natalie and I\nstarted dating again,", "And, just like that, it all came back,", "The tea candles,", "The sock monkeys,", "Belle and Sebastian, All of it,", "It seemed like happily-ever-after\nwasn't far off,", "Well, I better run.\nI have my Krav Maga class in half an hour.", "Krav Maga.\nHow cool is it that she does Krav Maga?", "Thanks, honey.", "Bye, guys.\n- Bye.", "Bye.\n- Take it easy.", "Dude, what's Krav Maga?", "I have no idea. Some kind of yoga?", "You know, that Natalie, she's good times.", "Yeah, she's, like, the best girl\nyou've dated in years.", "Yeah, Ted, hold on to that one.\n- Yeah.", "I have to break up with her.", "I don't get it, man. Natalie's awesome.", "I know. She's terrific,\nbut I have to break up with her.", "Why couldn't you leave\nthat poor girl alone?", "I know. I hate this.", "These past three weeks have been great.\nI should be in love with her,", "but I'm not feeling that thing.", "It's ineffable.", "Ineffable. Good word.", "So when are you gonna do it?", "She's probably on the subway by now.\nYou could call her voicemail.", "Beep. Dumped. Click. Done.", "I have to do this face-to-face. I just...\nI don't know what I'm gonna say.", "\"I'm not ready for a commitment.\"\n- Oh, that's such a clich\u00c3\u00a9.", "It's not a clich\u00c3\u00a9. It's a classic.", "It's the Stairway to Heaven\nof break-up lines.", "Well, I think Natalie deserves better.\n- Better.", "There's no \"better\" in breaking up.\nThere's only less awful.", "A clich\u00c3\u00a9 is a clich\u00c3\u00a9 for a reason.\nIt's comforting.", "It doesn't matter. I already told her\nI am ready for a commitment so...", "Oh, my God, there's no way out.\nI'm gonna have to marry her.", "No, no. We're gonna get you\nout of this. Okay.", "How about, \"It's not you. It's me\"?", "Six words.", "\"You look fat in those jeans.\"\nYou're free to go.", "Ted, have you considered\ntelling her the truth?", "Seriously, honey, men are working here.", "Ted, what is the truth?\nWhy do you wanna break up with her?", "The truth? She's not the one.", "So tell her that.\n- Oh, you can't tell her that. That's horrible.", "Why? What is so horrible about that?", "Yeah, what is so horrible about that?\nShe's not the one.", "Why is that such a heart-breaking thing\nto hear?", "The chances of one person\nbeing another person's \"the one\"", "are, like, six billion-to-one.", "Yeah, you have better chances\nof winning the lottery.", "Exactly. You wouldn't take it personally\nif you lost the lottery.", "All right, man, tell her the truth.\nShe's gonna cry.", "Yeah, and he's gonna sit there,\nand he's gonna take it like a man.", "I have to do the mature thing.\n- Wanna talk mature?", "I just wrapped up a live newscast\nby honking my own boobs.", "And great TV was had by all.", "All right, Scherbatsky, new challenge.", "And this one's big,\nbut so is the cash reward.", "For $1,000... You heard me.", "All you have to do is get up there\non the news and do one of these.", "What the hell is that?\n- The Ickey Shuffle.", "Then, as you do it, you say this,", "\"Elbert 'Ickey' Woods,\nthe Bengals were fools to cut you in '91.", "\"Your 1,525 rushing yards", "\"and your 27 touchdowns\nwill not be forgotten.", "\"So, Coach Dave Shula, screw you\nand your crappy steakhouse.\"", "Just write it down for me.", "What do I care? It's not like\nanyone's watching anyway, right?", "And she's gonna cry.", "Sloth love Chunk.", "Thanks, Lil.", "So the next night,\nI took Natalie out to dinner", "to do the mature thing,", "Look, Natalie, there's something\nI have to say.", "Oh, wait, wait.\nThere's something I have to say first.", "Today at work I had not one, not two,\nbut three birthday cakes.", "So, tonight, can we just skip the cake?", "Today is your birthday?\n- Yeah.", "No, it's okay.\nI wasn't telling anyone about it.", "Today is your birthday!", "I didn't get you anything.\n- Oh, it's okay.", "You know, you've already given me\nthe best present of all.", "I can trust again.", "You're welcome.", "Oh, so much more wine.", "Henry, as New York's oldest\nhansom-cab driver,", "you've seen quite a lot.", "In your past 60 years on the job,\nwhat is your most exciting memory?", "Well...", "This is it.\n- Oh, boy, here we go.", "Everyone, everyone, if I may\ndirect your attention to the television.", "You are about to see something amazing.", "And then in '72,", "Mickey Mantle rode in my cab\nfor the fourth time,", "Come on, baby, bring it home.", "But the most exciting moment,", "that would have to be this one, right now,", "What?\n- Look at me, I'm on TV,", "I never thought I'd have my story told,", "Thank you, Miss Robin Scherbatsky,", "Thank you,", "And, right then, Aunt Robin\nrealized how important her job truly was,", "It's an honor to tell your story, Henry,", "You know, Metro News 1\nmay not be number one in viewership,", "but this reporter takes pride in...", "ROBIN; Oh, my God,\nI'm covered in horse crap!", "And it's in my hair!", "You planned that?\n- My knee!", "No, Marshall.\nThat was beyond my wildest dreams.", "So if you ever come to Alabama,", "my mom throws\nthese huge crawfish boils,", "and she's just dying\nto meet you, by the way.", "Look, Natalie,\nthere's something I have to say,", "and there's no good way to say it.", "I wanna break up.", "I don't think you're the one for me.", "I don't wanna waste your time,\nbecause I really like you.", "I wanna do right by you,\nand I think the best way for me to do that", "is just to be honest. I'm sorry.", "Just let it out.", "They're only tears.", "I'm not the one for you!", "I'm sorry. I just... I thought\nthe mature thing to do would be...", "It's my birthday.\n- Yes, I know. I didn't realize that it was...", "It's my birthday, and you're telling me\nI'm not the one for you?", "It's really not such a big deal.\nI mean, it's the odds.", "It's like you lost the lottery.", "Oh, so dating you is like\nwinning the lottery?", "No, no, no. I didn't mean that.\n- Okay, so what's the problem?", "I can't explain it.\n- Try.", "It's ineffable.\n- I'm not F-able?", "No, no, no, no, ineffable.\n\"Ineffable\" means it can't be explained.", "Oh, so I'm stupid?\n- Oh, God, what's going on?", "Okay, what's going on is\nyou broke my heart", "over my answering machine,\non my birthday,", "waited three years for me to get over you,", "tracked me down,\nbegged me to go out with you again,", "only so you could dump me\nthree weeks later,", "again on my birthday!", "No, it's not like that. I'm just...", "It's...\n- What?", "I'm just, like, super busy right now.", "Remember when Natalie said...", "I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour.", "Turns out Krav Maga is not a kind of yoga,", "It's a form of guerrilla street-fighting\ndeveloped by the Israeli army,", "This is compliments\nof those two gentlemen at the bar.", "This is compliments\nof those two gentlemen at the bar.", "\"My knee!\"\n- \"It's in my hair!\"", "But isn't it nice to know\npeople are watching?", "Oh, my God! Are you all right?\n- What happened to you?", "Told the truth.", "Turns out the truth has\na mean roundhouse kick.", "Oh, man.", "Oh, well, you did the right thing.\nI'm proud of you.", "I'm bleeding internally.", "Hey, Ted, you know what always\npicks me up when I'm down?", "Other people's misfortune.\nYou missed something so amazing.", "Please, can we just have one person\nin this whole bar who didn't see it?", "Fine.", "Are you okay?", "I really thought I was doing it\nthe good way this time.", "I guess there is no good way.", "Sometimes, no matter how hard\nyou try to do the right thing,", "you just end up flat on your back, flailing\naround in a big pile of horse crap.", "You saw it?\n- My phone gets the Internet now.", "It's okay.", "And that's how it ended with Natalie,", "No happily-ever-after,\nJust a whole lot of hurt,", "And, just like that, all those\nwonderful memories were replaced", "by this one,", "But, you know, bad as that night was,\nwithin a year Natalie was married,", "And now she has three beautiful children,", "So that's the upside of hurt,\nSometimes it happens for a reason,", "Wow.", "So you got beat up by a girl?", "Is that all you're taking away\nfrom this story?", "You got beat up by a girl.", "Hey, she knew Krav Maga."], "How I Met Your Mother S01E05 Okay Awesome": ["So, kids, would you like to\nhear the story of the time I went deaf?", "Why does he even ask?\n- I know, he's just gonna tell us anyway.", "I sure am. It all began", "when Robin strolled into the bar\nand said...", "Say you're my bitch.\n- I'm your bitch.", "Why this time?", "Because tonight,\nI am getting us all into Okay.", "Okay? Awesome!", "What's going on? Did I just have a stroke?", "Okay is the name of a club.", "Yeah, it's supposed to be\nincredibly exclusive.", "This friend of mine once waited\noutside for two hours, couldn't get in.", "A friend of yours named you?", "No, a friend of mine named, shut up!", "Yeah, well, the owner goes to my gym.", "It turns out that he is a fan\nof my reporting for Metro News 1.", "So now I'm on the list for tonight.\n- Nice going, Scherbatsky.", "You're becoming a long-and-difficult-\nto-spell household name.", "He's even getting me into the VIP room.", "Yeah, he just wants to show you his\nown VIP, if you know what I mean.", "All right, what does VIP stand for\nin your little universe?", "Well, I know that the P is Penis.", "Right, so you guys are in.\nShould I invite Marshall and Lily?", "Why was this funny?\nI'll explain,", "You see, Lily was a kindergarten teacher,", "And so, one fateful naptime...", "Austin and I spent Saturday night\nat the most charming", "little bed and breakfast. It was so nice.", "What did you do this weekend?", "Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!\n- Chug! Come on! Chug! Chug!", "Ten seconds!\n- Suck it, losers!", "You know, quiet time with the fianc\u00c3\u00a9.", "I don't know, I just felt embarrassed.", "Claire's my age, and she and her husband\ndo all this classy grown-up stuff.", "Maybe we should start doing\nsome grown-up stuff.", "That's some pretty grown-up stuff\nwe did this morning.", "Yeah, but it wasn't classy.", "Maybe we should have\na winetasting party.", "I like wine. I like tasting.", "You know I can party. Let's do it.\nLet's rock it. Maturity style!", "And ever since then, she's been\nsigning him up for book clubs,", "cooking classes.\n- All the things you do when you know", "where your next thousand lays\nare coming from.", "So, no, Lily and Marshall\nwill not be joining us.", "Got it. Anyway, Ted, part two of my story.", "My friend Kelly's gonna be there.", "Kelly, who supposedly I'm gonna love.\n- Oh, you are gonna love Kelly.", "She's fun, she's smart,\nshe lives in the moment.", "She's ugly, she's ugly,\nshe ugs in the ugly.", "Oh, and she's totally hot.\n- Okay.", "I guess I could take her off your hands\nfor an evening.", "So, do you have any other\nhot single friends?", "No. Kelly works in...", "Oh, no, Ted! Your blazer.\n- What? What? What?", "Somebody spilled gorgeous all over it.\nLove it.", "Thank you.", "And his hair was perfect.", "Hey, we're wearing the same shirt.", "Oh, wait, no, that's just my shirt\nreflected in yours.", "One of the 24 similarities\nbetween girls and fish", "is that they're both attracted\nto shiny objects.", "You really never read my blog, do you?", "All right, Tin Man. Let's hit it.", "All right, well,\nhave fun at your little disco, guys.", "What the hell happened to these two?\n- Marshall and I are just growing up.", "Yeah, it's gonna be sweet, too.", "Like tonight, we're tasting\nall these different wines,", "pairing them up\nwith these cool gourmet cheeses.", "Wow!", "Who knew being in a committed\nheterosexual relationship", "could make a guy so gay.", "All right, cool kids are leaving now.", "Grandma, Grandpa, don't wait up.", "My, oh, my! There are some\nferocious looking cutlets here tonight.", "All right. Hook-up strategy:", "Find a cutlet, lock her in early,", "grind with her all night till she's mine.", "These strategies ever work for you?", "The question is, do these strategies\never not work for me?", "Either way, the answer's\nabout half the time.", "My bitches! Check this out.", "They're with me.", "We're her bitches, too.", "We'll wait here.", "And with today's interest rate climate,", "you gotta go\nfor the 30-year fixed mortgage.", "Oh, totally.\n- Yeah.", "So, Marshall, what about you?", "You guys thinking house, baby?", "No, I think we're gonna wait\non the baby thing.", "I mean, I love babies. Babies rule.", "Pudgy arms and stuff.\nBut they make you old.", "Kind of like this anchor\nweighing you down to one spot.", "Forever.", "I'm three months pregnant.", "Not awkward, guys.", "Not awkward unless we let it be awkward.", "This place seems great.\n- Yeah.", "Is Kelly here?\n- Yeah, she's around somewhere.", "Let's go find her. I'll introduce you guys.", "Then I should probably duck\ninto the VIP room.", "It's so stupid and arbitrary, isn't it?", "Who gets to be a VIP and who doesn't.\n- Can we come?", "It's not that arbitrary.", "Whoa, this place is loud.\n- You think?", "Think it was kind of weird\nthat Ted didn't invite me out with him?", "Why? You'd rather be out\nat some dance club?", "All noisy and sweaty with the...", "Is that what you want?", "Is this what you want?\n\"30-year fixed mortgage.\"", "\"I'm three months pregnant.\"", "That was awkward.", "Let's start drinking.\n- Not so fast.", "In order for the tannins to mellow,", "we should let it breathe\nfor about 30 minutes.", "Freaking tannins.", "Okay.", "You know what they're doing\nin there right now?", "They're watching\nClaire's ultrasound video.", "And I swear to God,\neven the baby looks bored.", "Come on. It's not that bad.", "We're really starting to click\nwith these guys.", "Claire and Austin just invited us\nto their fondue fest", "next Saturday night.", "Are you honestly trying to get me\nexcited about fondue?", "It's dipping stuff in hot cheese.\nWhat's not to love?", "Okay, that does sound good.", "But it's dipping stuff in hot cheese\nwith boring people.", "Marshall, it's time for us to grow up.", "Marshall knew she was right,", "He had to stop acting like a kid,", "But not tonight,", "Now, our apartment\nwas on the third floor,", "So I'm not sure if this part\nis actually true,", "But Uncle Marshall swears it happened,", "Taxi!", "The new album is great.\nIt's all smooth and polished.", "Not all dark and heavy\nlike the early stuff.", "Oh, yeah. Norah Jones\njust gets better and better.", "Please tell me we can drink the wine now.", "Five more minutes.\nWe don't wanna rush those tannins.", "Freaking tannins.", "I'm wetting my pants!", "No, no, I was just saying that...", "I think that's when I realized,\nclubs weren't awesome,", "Clubs weren't even okay, Clubs sucked,", "I had to get out of there,", "Hey, Robin!\n- Hey!", "Why aren't you inside?\n- I'm calling the owner.", "There's a guy in there who won't\nlet me into the stupid VIP room.", "What are you doing here?", "Oh, I have this move.\nSo I came here to bust it.", "Can you get me in?", "Great, voicemail.", "Thanks, I'll see you.\n- Bye.", "Oh, come on! He just got here.", "He's probably famous.\n- Oh, yeah.", "Isn't there a third Affleck brother?", "Keith Affleck or Brian Affleck\nor something?", "Holy crap! We just saw Brian Affleck.", "And, it's not like I care so much\nabout getting into the VIP room.", "I have been in tons of VIP rooms.\nNot exactly a VIP room virgin.", "But seriously, call me back.", "Oh, I was just in there. Robin Scherbatsky.\nI'm on the list.", "Name's already crossed off. Sorry.", "But I'm Robin Scherbatsky.\nI'm a reporter for Channel 1.", "There's a Channel 1? Back of the line.", "Should've snuck in with Brian Affleck.", "Coat wench, do not uncheck\nthat man's jacket!", "Sorry, I was just being dramatic.\nYou're not a wench.", "No, no, no, coat wench. I like it.\nI should get a sign made up.", "Wait. What are you doing here?\nLily let you go?", "Lily? Who cares, right?", "You are so dead.\n- Oh, I'm so dead.", "Well, I'm going home.\n- No!", "I put my ass and probably other parts\nof my body on the line", "to come down here\nand party with my bro.", "Now damn it, we're gonna party.\n- All right. One beer.", "Yes. Finally I don't have\nto wait a half an hour for a drink.", "Yeah!", "No tannins!", "Oh, man, I can't believe\nI forgot to tell you this,", "This is important to the story,", "Earlier that day,\nMarshall went to the dentist", "and got a temporary crown put in,", "Okay, so anyway...", "What?", "C'mon, let's go!", "I'm staying!", "What?", "Marshall, are you okay?", "Again, I wasn't there,\nso I'm a little foggy on the details,", "Taxi!", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "Marshall just ditched out\non our own party.", "Can you get me in there?\nI kind of need to kill him.", "Actually, I can't even get myself in.\nI was such a dork.", "I get recognized one time\nand I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts.", "I'm no VIP. I'm not even an IP.", "I'm just a lowly little P\nsitting out here in the gutter.", "You know something?", "I'd take a P in the gutter\nover Julia Roberts any day.", "There's Barney.", "I'm leaving.", "Hey!", "Broke my tooth!", "Do you have any aspirin?", "Maybe there's a machine in the restroom.", "Now, to this day, I don't know\nwhat happened in there,", "But when Marshall came out\na few minutes later...", "Rough night?\n- Yeah.", "These clubs are supposed to be fun, right?\nWhy do I hate them so much?", "Because all of the stuff\nyou're supposed to like, usually sucks.", "Like these clubs. Or cruises.", "Or New Year's Eve.\n- Or the Super Bowl.", "Or parades.\n- The Rockettes.", "Or parades.\n- You said that already.", "I really hate parades.\n- Okay.", "He just left in the middle of our\nown party. You don't do that.", "Unless, of course,\nyou're chasing after somebody", "who's already done it,\nand then I think it's okay.", "Well, I hate to take his side.\nBut, come on, a winetasting?", "What's the big plan for next Saturday?\nScrabble night?", "Don't check your email.", "Why are you becoming this person?", "I heard that in college you flashed\na campus tour group on a dare.", "Once on a dare.\nThe other times were just for fun.", "I'm not in college anymore.", "I'd love to go back and be that person\nagain, but you can't move backwards.", "You can only go forward.\n- False.", "You can go wherever you want.", "I guess, the question is,\nwhere do you want to go?", "I want to go into this club\nand find my fianc\u00c3\u00a9.", "Well, that you can't do.\n- You wanna bet?", "Follow my lead.", "Hey, big guy.", "I said, follow my lead.", "Yes, please, please.\n- Do it, do it.", "Follow her lead.\n- You have to. Follow it.", "Please.", "Those were the four greatest\nand only breasts I have ever seen.", "Yeah. See, if everyone keeps telling you\nsomething is supposed to be fun,", "it's usually not.", "Right.\n- Right.", "So by that logic, if you and I were to,\nsay, go out on a date...", "Well, then we couldn't go anywhere\nthat's supposed to be fun.", "Right. The DMV it is.", "Then we'll get our teeth cleaned.\n- Sounds awful. It's a date.", "Okay.", "But there's still one big question\nthat needs to be answered.", "How many of these coats do you think\nI could put on all at once?", "I'll go this way, you go that way.", "Okay. For the wedge.", "Barney?", "Barney.\n- Ted.", "Get your coat, we're leaving.\n- What?", "What happened to that cutlet\nyou were grinding with?", "That was my cousin Leslie.\n- What?", "No. No. No.\nWe are not laughing about this, Ted.", "This is not gonna be some funny story\nthat we'll be telling in a couple months.", "It's not going to be like,\n\"Hey, remember that time", "\"when you were grinding with...\" No!", "And you know why?", "Because, italics,\nthis night did not happen.", "And you promise me\nthat you will never, ever, ever tell", "another living soul\nwhat transpired here tonight.", "You promise. Promise.\n- All right, I promise.", "Let's get Marshall and go, okay?", "Hey, thanks for saving my night.\nI'll talk to you soon?", "Hey, tip her, Barney.\n- Why? I didn't check a coat.", "And even if I did, on principle\ntip jars have become so...", "Funny story. Barney was grinding\nwith this girl all night...", "Fine!", "Just...", "That's a handy new trick.", "So Marshall and Lily\nrediscovered their youth,", "It was nice,", "And then it got... icky,", "I'm really glad\nyou guys came out tonight!", "You know, dude,\ncan I just say something?", "It kind of hurt that you guys\ndidn't invite me out.", "I mean, I know things have changed\nsince I got engaged,", "but it would've been nice to be asked.", "I'm sorry! I assumed you had other plans.\n- They played some good songs tonight.", "I mean, lately...\n- I know, I know, it just, seems like", "suddenly we're living\nin two different worlds.", "Maybe you've got more in common\nwith Barney.", "What?\n- Are you crazy?", "You think I like going to those clubs?", "I'd so much rather go\nto your fruity little winetasting.", "Oh, my God, I'm gonna barf!", "Where's my purse, where's my...\nNo, I'm okay.", "The problem is you can't do\nany of that couple stuff", "unless you have someone to do it with.", "And the only way I'm gonna find\nthat someone is by going out", "and doing stupid single stuff with Barney.\n- What?", "But, man, when I find her", "we're gonna have some\nbad-ass winetastings.", "It's a plan.", "Hey, maybe it'll be\nthat cute coat-check girl.", "Yeah. Maybe it will be.", "It wasn't,", "You know, Ted.\nI don't say this nearly enough", "but I really value...\n- Hey, that place has great salads."], "How I Met Your Mother S01E06 Slutty Pumpkin": ["You know how Aunt Robin's\na big fan of Halloween?", "Always dressing up in crazy costumes?", "Well, she wasn't always that way.", "Back in 2005, she thought she was\ntoo cool for Halloween.", "Unlike Aunt Lily,", "Guess what came in the mail today?\n- Our costumes?", "Do they rule?\n- They rule.", "And yours is 100% wool,", "so you won't get hypothermia\nlike last year.", "Tarzan nipple blue.", "You know what I love about Halloween?", "It's the one night of the year chicks use\nto unleash their inner ho-bag.", "If a girl dresses up as a witch,\nshe's a slutty witch.", "If she's a cat, she's a slutty cat.", "If she's a nurse...\n- Wow. We get it.", "She's a slutty nurse.", "Robin, what are you doing for Halloween?", "Oh, I don't know.", "Probably hanging out with Mike,\nthis guy I've been seeing.", "Mike? There's a Mike?", "You have a boyfriend\nand you haven't told us?", "No. I mean, he's not my boyfriend.", "He's just this guy I've been seeing\nfor a couple of weeks.", "Boyfriend.", "So why haven't we met him?", "We're not really ready to go public yet.", "Married.", "How about we go\non a Halloween double-date?", "I don't know, we were kind of thinking\nabout staying at home", "and dressing up as naked people.", "Come on, Robin, trot out your new fella.", "Let us judge and evaluate him\nbehind your back.", "It'll be fun.", "Hey, Ted, you'll never guess\nwhat happened?", "Your costumes came?\n- Our costumes... Yes.", "That is why we're best friends.", "Hey, Ted,\nwhat are you doing for Halloween?", "Well...\n- What?", "Every Halloween,\nTed waits for the slutty pumpkin.", "That's right.", "What's the slutty pumpkin?", "You mean, \"Who is the slutty pumpkin?\"", "It was four years ago.", "I was at this Halloween party\nup on the roof of our building,", "about to call it an early night,\nwhen out of nowhere", "appeared this girl\nin the sexiest pumpkin costume,", "Wait, how can a pumpkin costume\nbe sexy?", "It was carved in strategic places.", "So, we're at the bar and I see her mix", "Kahl\u00c3\u00baa and...\n- Kahl\u00c3\u00baa and root beer.", "A cocktail she invented herself.", "And she...\n- And she called it the Tootsie Roll.", "Because it tastes", "like an alcoholic Tootsie Roll.", "Hey, can I please tell the story?", "So we had this instant connection.", "She gave me her number. But then...", "Something went terribly wrong.", "Guys!", "Something went terribly wrong.", "Happy Halloween.", "Sonny, where's Cher?", "Cher.\n- Right here, babe.", "I just met the perfect woman.", "She's funny, she's beautiful,\nshe loves Star Wars,", "Whoa, whoa, whoa.\nWhat's her take on Ewoks?", "Loves them.\n- Oh, good.", "I don't know why people\nare so cynical about Ewoks.", "The Rebellion would've failed\nwithout the Ewoks.", "And get this. She's a marine biologist.", "She spent a year in Antarctica\nstudying penguins.", "Oh, penguins are cool.", "Kind of like black-and-white Ewoks.\nI approve.", "Hey, where's my Kit Kat?\nI put it right here on this table.", "I don't know,\nbut we have plenty of chocolate here.", "No, no, no, you don't understand.\nI need that Kit Kat.", "She wrote her number on that wrapper.\nWhere is it?", "Uh-oh.", "Hey, Dracula, come on. Give me the candy.\nGive me it!", "Where's the Kit Kat? Where's the Kit Kat?", "Never found her number.\nNever saw her again.", "But every year\nthey have a Halloween party", "up on the roof, so that's where I'll be.", "You know, Ted, it's been four years.", "She could be engaged, or married,", "or, God forbid, fat.", "I don't know, I got a feeling.", "This could be the year.", "Halloween is a night of wonder and magic.", "All right, bring the mockery.\nFine. I can take it.", "Come on,\nwouldn't it be the coolest story ever", "if the slutty pumpkin turned out\nto be my future wife?", "Oh, on the off chance that\nthat could happen,", "maybe we should stop calling her\nthe slutty pumpkin.", "Good idea.", "Ted, is your world ready\nto be rocked?", "Can't wait.", "So, what do you think?", "So, what do you think?", "Wow!", "Marshall, are you wearing eyeliner?", "Oh, yeah. Weirdly hot, right?", "We are so gonna win\nthe costume contest this year.", "First prize, a $50 gift\ncertificate at the bar.", "And how much did you pay\nfor your costumes?", "$100.", "Each.", "Well, I think you guys look great.", "What are you going as?\nOh, like I even need to ask.", "Hey, I want the slutty pumpkin\nto recognize me,", "and she knows me as a hanging chad.", "What? She thought it was hilarious.", "Yeah, four years ago.", "But nobody remembers\nwhat the hell a hanging chad is.", "What a sad commentary\non our national attention span,", "that we could forget such a turbulent time\nin our political history.", "Sad commentary.", "All right, Polly gotta pee.", "Again?", "Where are you going?\n- It's an elaborate costume.", "No, no, not again. Not this year.", "You're going as my wingman.\nFlightsuit up.", "No thanks.\nI'm sticking with the hanging chad.", "Oh, you're dangerous, Maverick.", "Your ego's writing checks\nyour body can't cash.", "Okay.", "Here's the plan, and I crap you not.", "I'm getting us into\nthe Victoria's Secret Halloween party.", "Trust me. By the end of the night,\nyour chad will not be hanging.", "We can get rejected by supermodels\nany night of the year.", "Tonight, I'm going up to the roof,", "I'm gonna have a few beers,\nI'm gonna wait for the slutty pumpkin.", "It's just what I do.", "Victoria's Secret models prancing around\nin bras and panties,", "or Yale preppies reuniting\ntheir stupid a cappella group.", "What's that, left hand? Right hand sucks?", "Word.", "I'm heading up to the roof.", "Well, boys,\nlooks like it's just the three of us.", "What's that? Self-five? Nice. We out.", "Hey, chad. How's it hanging?", "Hey, wordplay. Funny.", "Nice outfit.", "I'm a parrot.\n- You sure are.", "Where's Mike?\n- He's meeting me here.", "I ran late covering\nthe Halloween parade in the Village.", "There are, like,\na zillion gay pirates this year.", "Seriously, does my eyeliner look okay?", "Yes, it's weirdly hot.", "So, where's your costume?", "You know, Mike and I joked\nabout doing something together,", "but we decided not to dress up.", "Oh, jeez.", "Hi.", "Everyone, this is Michael.\nThat is not his real hair.", "Where's your costume, Gretel?", "You thought I was...", "Oh, I was just kidding.", "I gotta stop making jokes in e-mails.\nIt's so hard to convey tone.", "I think we got them beat.", "I can't believe you talked me into this.", "I didn't. You followed me up here.", "This party sucks.", "There's seven chicks here.", "There's six chicks here.", "Relax. The night is young.\nIt's gonna get better.", "Ladies and gentlemen,", "as on pitch as they were\nat Spring Fling '95,", "it's my pleasure to welcome back\nThe Shagarats.", "What be a pirate's\nfavorite kind of sweater?", "Argyle.", "And what be a pirate's", "favorite fast food restaurant?", "Arby's.", "'Twould think it would be Arby's.", "But actually it's Long John Silver's.", "Actually, I kind of need this hand to eat.", "Oh, yeah.", "Oh, thank you.\n- I'm starving.", "It's so nice to meet you, Mike.\nYou guys are really cute together.", "Yeah. We've been spending\na lot of time together.", "We're even getting to that point\nwhere we finish each other's...", "This cheeseburger is so...\n- Good.", "See?", "I think you won the dish-off tonight, baby.", "This steak totally bitch-slapped\nmy pork chops.", "That may be true.", "But your rice pilaf\nkicked my spinach in the crotch so hard,", "it threw up a little bit.", "Robin, you have to try this chicken.", "Oh, no, that's good. I'm okay. Thanks.", "It's really tasty.", "I'm just really feeling this cheeseburger.", "Come on, just try a little bite.", "Dude, I'm kind of in the zone here.", "Oh, for God's sakes.", "Really tasty.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "So, what does a fella have to do\nto get lei-ed around here?", "Yeah.", "Right. 'Cause I'm wearing a lei.", "God.", "It isn't funny if you explain the joke.", "Let's bail.\n- No, Barney, come on. I'm having fun.", "Plus, it's really great\nto see all these guys again.", "Name one person you know at this party.", "Well, there's Ninja,", "Back of Horse.\nHey, where's Front of Horse?", "That guy's a riot, where is he?", "Okay, I'm leaving.", "But just know that\nthis Victoria's Secret party is on a yacht.", "And what will be sticking to that yacht?", "The Barnacle.", "Really? That's the nickname now?\n- Yeah, the Barnacle.", "The Barnacle?\n- That's it.", "Barnacle out.", "Have fun, Barnacle.", "So, do you like Mike?", "Do you like Mike?", "Of course I do. Why?", "It just doesn't seem like it.", "You won't share your food,\nyou won't wear a costume.", "Oh, Lily, you know me.\nI'm just not into all that coupley stuff.", "Okay, I know that stuff\nlooks dumb from the outside.", "But it's kind of the greatest thing\nin the world when you're a part of it.", "If you just gave it a chance,\nyou might like it.", "Are you trying to get me to join a cult?", "Robin, Mike likes you.", "If you don't start meeting him halfway,\nyou're gonna lose him.", "What?", "Look, it's Halloween.", "Just put on the girlfriend costume\nfor a night.", "Okay. Well, what am I supposed to do?", "Buy him a giant teddy bear or something?", "How about you start by sharing dessert.", "I can share dessert.", "Good.", "He better want the brownie sundae.", "But, yeah.\nYeah, I can totally share. Yeah.", "Barney? What, you're back?\n- That's right.", "In a totally new costume.", "Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume", "in case I strike out\nwith the hottest girl at the party.", "That way I have a second chance\nto make a first impression.", "What's with the face?", "It's half \"you're pathetic,\"\nhalf \"I have to pee.\"", "So go to the bathroom.", "No, there's a huge line.\nI don't wanna miss the slutty pumpkin.", "So pee off the roof.", "Ted, pee off the roof.", "Whoa, I wouldn't do that if I were you.\nThere's people walking down there.", "Come on, Ted.\nWho are you gonna listen to?", "Me or Mr. Goody-Goody over there?", "Yeah, whatever. You guys got some weed?", "A little to the left, Marshall.", "A little to the left, Marshall.", "Lily, squat down.", "This is gonna be a slaughter.", "None of these other costumes\neven come close to ours.", "Take the damn picture.", "Got it.\n- Nice.", "I still think we should've won\nas Sonny and Cher.", "Maybe if I'd worn the red dress.", "If I could turn back time...", "Wow. This sundae looks so good,\nI could eat the whole thing.", "But I would much rather share this small,\none-scoop sundae with you, Mike.", "Apple tart, excellent choice, Lilypad.", "Thanks, Marshmallow.", "Well, let's dig in, Microwave Oven.", "Let me guess.", "Every guy's used the lei-ed line\non you tonight, huh?", "You wouldn't believe.", "I apologize for my gender.", "Let me make it up to you.\nMake you a drink.", "You certainly are a charming devil.", "I'm also a horny devil.", "Yeah.", "No.", "Oh, go to hell.", "You know, if you guys like tiramisu,\nwe found this little Italian place...", "No, you found it. I came with you.", "But go on.", "I'm just saying we love tiramisu.", "I cannot get enough of it.", "We're crazy for the stuff.", "I'm crazy and you're crazy", "for tiramisu.", "We love tiramisu.", "Am I wrong saying that?", "No, no, no. I mean, it just sounds\na little bit weird, doesn't it?", "We love tiramisu.", "Is it really a group activity,\nloving tiramisu?", "Right?", "So, this Italian place.\nHow is their cannoli?", "Easy there, hungry.", "Yeah, looks like we're both hungry.", "Hey, is that Gary Oldman?\n- Where?", "I don't see...", "Brain freeze.", "Okay, Victoria's Secret party, right now.\n- Nope.", "Come on, I can't stand\nwatching my delusional friend", "waste another precious Halloween.", "Ted, the slutty pumpkin is not coming.", "She might.", "Come on, Barney,\nthis is not about the odds.", "It's about believing.", "This girl, she represents something to me.", "I don't know, hope.", "Wow.", "I did not understand a word you just said.", "Lingerie models on a boat!", "See you.", "No. See you.", "Wanna drink the melty part?", "You know what, it's getting late.\nI think I'm gonna take off.", "Hey.", "I thought we were gonna follow\nthose bread crumbs", "back to my place, Hansel.", "Robin, I don't get the sense\nyou like being with me.", "I like being with you.", "Not as much as you like being alone.", "You like eating your own food,", "sleeping in your own bed,\ndoing your own crosswords.", "Well, who uses ink?", "Sorry.", "Okay, I'm a bit set in my ways.", "That doesn't mean that this won't work.", "Actually, it kind of does.", "Wait, are we breaking up?", "No, we aren't breaking up.", "I'm breaking up with you.", "And then,\njust when I was about to lose hope,", "She spent a year in Antarctica\nstudying penguins.", "Kahl\u00c3\u00baa, Root beer,", "Could this penguin be the slutty pumpkin?", "Excuse me?", "This is gonna sound crazy,", "but I met someone up on this roof\nfour years ago", "and they mixed that cocktail,\nand they loved penguins.", "By any chance, was that you?", "It's you.", "Everyone thought I was crazy, but I...\n- You are such a loser.", "Come on, I came back for you, Ted.", "I penguin-suited up\nto show you the error of your ways.", "And to score Hula Girl's number.\nCheck and check.", "Unbelievable.\n- Yes, it is.", "Wait a minute.", "You're that lame army guy.", "No, no, that's some other guy.\nAnd he was a kick-ass fighter pilot.", "I cannot believe I gave you my number.", "Yeah, well, you did. Thanks.", "Yeah, well, give it back.", "Well, I don't think so. I earned it.\nFair and square. I'm calling you.", "But I'm never gonna go out with you.", "But how will you know it's me?\nI'm a master of disguise.", "Yeah.", "Nice.", "Come on, Ted. Victoria's Secret party.\nNow. Let's go.", "I'm staying.\n- Fine. Fine.", "What are you doing?", "I'm flippering you off.", "Sweetie, I'm so sorry.", "Seriously, it's not a big deal.", "He wanted to be a \"we\"\nand I wanted to be an \"I.\"", "Dudes are such chicks.", "You guys, I'm fine.", "Ladies and gentlemen, the results are in.", "And the winners\nof this year's costume contest are", "Lily Aldrin as a parrot,", "and Marshall Eriksen as a gay pirate.", "Oh, yeah! Wait, what did he say?", "Oh, who cares, Marshall? We won.", "Wait. Gay pirate?\nWhere are you getting that from?", "Dude, you're wearing eyeliner.", "Okay, I just want everybody here to know\nI'm not a gay pirate.", "I have sex with my parrot all the time.", "That came out wrong.", "Oh, yeah, doesn't matter! We won!", "I love you, Marshmallow.\n- I love you, too, Lilypad.", "You guys, let me get a picture.", "I had a feeling I'd find you here.", "Oh, hey.", "If you're here for The Shagarats,\nyou just missed the fourth encore.", "If you're here for The Shagarats,\nyou just missed the fourth encore.", "I never played any team sports.", "Are we playing I Never,\n'cause there's nothing left", "but peach schnapps.", "I played tennis in high school.", "You know why?", "Because it was just me out there.\nI couldn't even stand playing doubles.", "I just got dumped.", "Oh, man, that sucks.", "It's okay. I wasn't that into him.", "Story of my life.", "Everyone else is off falling in love", "and acting stupid and goofy\nand sweet and insane, but not me.", "Why don't I want that more?", "I want to want that.", "Am I wired wrong or something?\n- No.", "Look, you didn't want to be with me,\nso clearly, you have abysmal taste in men.", "But you're wired just fine.", "Well, what if I'm just a cold person.", "Tonight, Mike was willing\nto look like a complete idiot for me,", "but I couldn't be Gretel.", "Why can't I be Gretel?", "Because you just haven't met\nthe right Hansel yet.", "Hey, one day you're gonna meet a guy", "who's gonna make you wanna look\nlike a complete idiot.", "Really?\n- Yeah, he's out there somewhere.", "Just like the slutty pumpkin.", "How do you do this, Ted?", "How do you sit out here all night\non the roof, in the cold,", "and still have faith\nyour pumpkin's gonna show up?", "Well, I'm pretty drunk.", "Look, I know that odds are,\nthe love of my life", "isn't gonna magically walk\nthrough that door in a pumpkin costume", "at 2:43 in the morning.", "But it seems as nice a spot as any\nto just, you know, sit and wait.", "Scooch."], "How I Met Your Mother S01E07 Matchmaker": ["So, kids, there are\nmany buildings in New York City.", "Thousands of apartments,\nMillions of stories,", "And even though it's been decades,\nand someone else lives there now,", "there's one apartment in particular,\nthat will always be our apartment,", "I have so many great memories\nof that place,", "Marshall playing video games,", "Lily painting on the fire escape,", "Hey!\n- Sorry, Mr. Matson!", "And me making the coffee,\nI had this coffee pot,", "It was probably 50 years old at that time,\nand it made truly terrible coffee,", "We called it Shocky,", "Plugging in.\n- Saving game.", "I loved every last detail of that place,", "right down to the incredibly tacky swords\nwe hung on the wall,", "I never wanted any of it to change,\nbut that's not how life works,", "You guys will never believe\nwhat just happened to us.", "I don't even believe it myself.", "We were in Queens\nand we decided to stop by my apartment.", "Wait, her apartment?", "I thought Aunt Lily lived with you\nand Uncle Marshall.", "I could see how you would think that,\nbut I have to have my own place.", "It's an independence thing.", "When was the last time you were there?\n- Three months ago.", "What? It's like fat pants.", "You hope you never have to use them,\nbut you're glad to know they're there.", "What the hell?\n- What?", "This is my apartment.", "Where?\n- Right here!", "What the hell?", "Lily, this is a Chinese restaurant.", "No! No! This was my apartment!", "My dresser was right... That's my dresser!", "And this is my closet.", "And I spilled nail polish there.\nThere's the stain!", "Hi, how many?", "Lily!\n- Yes. You know me?", "Yeah, from your homecoming picture.\nYou're much prettier in the person.", "Yeah, I know, the bangs were a mistake.", "Where is my stuff?", "It's all in the back.\nWe could wrap it up for you.", "You want it to go?", "This is my apartment.\n- Not anymore.", "No way. You're making this up.", "Yeah, the building would've had\nto give you some kind of notice.", "They sent you a notice about this.", "When?\n- Three month ago.", "And here's your mail. Minus magazines.", "Well, still, legally they can't just toss\nyou out on the street, you have a lease.", "Okay, so I didn't have\na written lease as such.", "But go ask my landlady, Mrs. Conroy.", "She may be 98 years old, but she still...", "She's dead, isn't she?", "Never even saw the bus.", "My apartment is a Chinese restaurant.", "What am I gonna do?\n- Come live with us.", "Really?\n- Of course.", "You sure about this, Ted?\n- Yeah.", "I mean, you basically live here anyway.\nIt's not like it'll change anything.", "No, it's like it'll change everything!", "Oh, Ted! You are so screwed.", "What are you talking about?\n- And why is that girl checking you out?", "Because I look good.", "Now focus.\nYou and Marshall are roommates.", "You have an amazing apartment.\nMarshall and Lily just got engaged.", "Yeah. So?", "So, you're not still gonna be his roommate\nwhen he gets married, are you?", "Someone's going to move out.\nSo, who's it going to be?", "Come on, Barney, I'm sure they've talked\nabout who gets the apartment.", "You've talked about\nwho gets the apartment, right?", "Yeah, we've talked about it.", "So, when Lily and I get married,", "who's gonna get the apartment?\n- That's a tough one.", "You know who I think\ncould handle a problem like that?", "Who?\n- Future Ted and Future Marshall.", "Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.", "Damn it, Past Ted!", "You blew it, dude.", "Now that Lily's there,\nit's a whole new dynamic.", "They're edging you out.\n- That's crazy.", "They're not edging me out.\nMarshall's my best friend.", "One of my best friends.", "He wouldn't do that to me.", "Just keep your eyes open.\nThat's all I'm saying, Teddy.", "Little things are gonna be changing\naround that apartment.", "Come on, Barney,\nyou're just being paranoid.", "Okay, seriously, what is this girl's deal?", "Sort of on a date with her.\n- What?", "Yeah, yeah. I found her online.", "I'm tired of the whole bar scene,\nthe one-night hookups.", "I'm looking for a soul mate.", "Someone who I can love and cuddle.", "Or, so it says in my profile.", "But this girl, she wants the same stuff,\nand it's bumming me out.", "All right, Ted, call me from the hospital.", "All right.\n- You're going to the hospital?", "No, see, he's gonna go back over there.\nI'm gonna call him.", "He's gonna pretend it's an emergency call", "from a family member at the hospital.", "Oh, Lord! The fake emergency?", "That is the lamest,\nmost pathetic cop-out in the book.", "I expect more from you, Barney.", "Well, stay tuned.\nI'm working on some stuff.", "But in the meantime, wish me luck.", "So, are you gonna talk to Marshall?", "He's gonna want the apartment.\nI'm gonna want the apartment.", "It's gonna lead to an argument. So, no.\n- That's real healthy.", "So, when a serious issue comes up,\nyour response is just to avoid it?", "I should really make this call.", "Oh, can I do it?", "Excuse me.", "Hello.\n- Hi there, sexy.", "Hello, Aunt Kathy. What's up?\n- Oh, nothing.", "Just sitting here,\nthinking about you, hot stuff.", "An accident?", "Well, is Uncle Rudy gonna be okay?", "Aunt Kathy's got an itch\nthat only you can scratch, big boy.", "Oh, God!", "Why did he think\nhe could build his own helicopter?", "Come on, Daddy.", "Break me off a piece\nof that white chocolate.", "Well, if he needs a transplant,\nhe can have mine.", "I'll be right there.", "You know, I...", "See you guys later.", "Put it on my tab.", "This'll be nice.\nThe three of us living together.", "I think it's a good setup.", "Man, this coffee's great.", "It's really great.", "Too great.", "What happened to Shocky?", "What's this?\n- My coffee maker. From my apartment.", "Makes great coffee, right?\n- Yeah, definitely.", "I mean, so does Shocky.", "Really? I always thought Shocky's coffee\ntasted kind of rusty.", "Yeah. No. It did.", "I mean, I kind of like the rusty taste.", "I'm used to it. I don't know.", "Also, Lily's coffee maker doesn't,\nyou know, shock people.", "No, it's just...\nYou gotta admit that shock, that...", "Wakes you up in the morning.", "You know what else wakes you up\nin the morning?", "Coffee.", "That's great. You're right.", "Roomies! I love it.", "They're edging me out.\nThey're totally edging me out.", "I didn't believe it, but you're right.\n- Told you. That Lily, she's a shrewd one.", "Yeah. She got you\na nice new coffee maker.", "How dare she?\n- It's not just the coffee maker.", "Done. The painting's done.", "That is great.\n- Nice.", "Where do you wanna hang it?\n- I don't know.", "Over the piano?", "Yeah, that would be a good place for it.", "Too bad the swords are there.\nWe kind of love those swords.", "Well, those swords have been up there\na long time.", "I know, right. I'd really miss them, too.", "So maybe Marshall's room.", "Okay.", "He was gonna take the swords down!\nCan you believe that?", "Ted, why don't you just talk to him?\nHe's your best friend.", "That is I think.", "One of your best friends.", "The point is, maybe it's time\nfor some healthy communication.", "Healthy communication?\nThat's the worst idea ever!", "Look, you held off their first advance.\nThat's good.", "Now, it's time to counterstrike.\n- Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do?", "You gotta mark your territory.\nAnd I don't mean missing the toilet.", "You gotta do something big.", "What, like, buy a new sofa?\n- Bigger.", "Katie's here. Okay, real quick.\nLast night, epiphany.", "I realized what the world of dating needs.", "Ready? A lemon law.", "A lemon law, like for cars.\n- Exactly.", "From the moment the date begins,\nyou have five minutes to decide", "whether you're going\nto commit to an entire evening.", "And, if you don't, it's no hard feelings,\njust, \"Good night.", "\"Thanks for playing. See you never.\"", "The lemon law. It's gonna be a thing.", "Possibly starting right now.", "Hi, Katie. Barney.\n- Hi! It's good to finally meet you.", "Yeah. Katie, you are about to be\na part of history.", "Tell your friends.", "It's gonna be a thing.", "Man, Ted's been acting weird.\nHe's started labeling all his food.", "He even carved \"Ted\"\ninto that block of cheese.", "Yeah. Well, now it's Ed's.", "I think he's not cool with me moving in.\n- No, that's not it.", "I mean, you basically lived here all along.\nTed loves you.", "So, what's he PMS-ing about?\n- I don't know.", "But when he's ready to talk to me about it,\nhe'll come and talk to me about it.", "Are you kidding?\nYou guys never talk about anything.", "He'll just let it fester under the surface", "until he does something big\nand passive-aggressive.", "You clearly don't know Ted.", "Delivery for Ted Mosby.", "Your English phone booth arrived!", "Oh, awesome! It's great, right?", "Yeah, I guess.\nI'm just not sure if Lily's gonna like it.", "Well, I like it.", "So, I'm just gonna keep it right here,\nif that's cool.", "Of course. I mean, we all live here,", "so we should all be able to have things\nthe way we want them.", "Exactly.", "Great. Terrific.", "You like the phone booth. It stays.", "I like this painting.", "So, I'm just gonna hang it\nright here on the wall.", "Oh, so it's like that, is it?", "Oh, hello, governor.\nOh, it's like that, innit? Cheerio.", "Yeah, it's like that.", "I want this apartment!\n- Well, I want it, too.", "You're a jerk!", "No, I'm a visionary. Lemon law!\nIt's gonna be a thing!", "For the record, your little lemon law\nis a symbol of everything that's wrong", "with our no-attention-span society.", "No, wrong, lemon law's awesome.", "It takes longer than five minutes\nto really get to know someone.", "You keep giving up on people so quickly,\nyou could miss out on something great.", "Okay, you're on a blind date.", "Sitting across the table is that guy.", "You really think it'll take\nmore than five minutes", "to realize there will be\nno date number two?", "Yes, I do.", "For all I know, that guy's my soul mate.", "Bad move Scherbatsky.", "Hi. Have you met Robin?", "Hi.\n- Hi.", "All right, Marshall.", "We're deciding right now\nwho gets this apartment.", "May lead to an argument,\nbut we're settling this.", "Or we could flip a coin.\n- Yeah, let's flip a coin.", "Flip it.\n- Okay. I'm flipping it. Here I go.", "Flip it.\n- Okay, here I go. I'll flip it.", "Flip it. Go ahead.\n- I'm flipping!", "Flip it.", "But before I do,\nI just want to say something.", "You didn't even wanna move in here\nin the first place.", "You said a prewar building\nwas bad for your allergies.", "That was five years ago.", "Now you can get prescription-level\nantihistamines over the counter.", "Oh, snap. What else you got?", "Okay, I'm flipping. Heads or tails?", "You don't need two rooms.\n- Heads or tails, Marshall?", "Like you need two rooms.\n- We might be starting a family soon.", "Oh, no, you're not!", "There's no way you're having a baby\nwhile you're still in law school.", "It's gonna be at least three years.\n- It could be sooner.", "We're not that careful\nwith our birth control! Two, zip.", "Oh, come on! You know damn well,\nI move out, that room's going unused.", "Oh, and I suppose\nyou'll get a new roommate?", "Who's it gonna be? Barney?\nYou know, he cooks naked.", "Yeah, well, at least Barney\nwouldn't take the swords down.", "We were bros!\nThese swords represent our bro-hood.", "And you took them down to make room\nfor your fianc\u00c3\u00a9e's stupid painting?", "My fianc\u00c3\u00a9e? Suddenly, she's \"my fianc\u00c3\u00a9e\"?", "Lily's a part of who I am.", "And if you're such a bro,\nshe's a part of who you are, too.", "She's a bro by extension.", "I deserve this apartment, Marshall.", "No more than I do.", "Great. So, let's flip for it.", "Flip it.", "So, is this how we're deciding\nwho gets the apartment?", "I guess so.", "How we doing this exactly?\nIs this like, to the death?", "We should probably figure that out.", "He's okay. He's okay. He's okay.", "Can I observe something?\n- That this is kind of awesome?", "Totally.", "I can't believe we didn't do this before.\n- I know.", "Thank you.", "I can't believe this.", "I'm sitting here\nwith a beautiful woman I just met,", "eating at my favorite restaurant. Sweet.", "Well, it's a nice place.", "It's good to know the future has ribs.", "In the future, food will most likely\nbe served in gel-cap form.", "Plus, cows will probably have\ndied out by then.", "Or be our leaders.", "Just one second. Hello?", "Time's running out, Scherbatsky.\nLast chance for the lemon law.", "Leave me alone.", "Four fifty-six. Four fifty-seven.\nFour fifty-eight.", "We're only just getting\nto know each other.", "Say I'm right and this could all be over.\nThis could be your call from the hospital.", "Sorry.", "Let me guess.", "There's been a crazy accident\nand you have to go.", "No! I would never do that.\nI don't wanna go anywhere. I'm all yours.", "Look, if you're a hooker,\nI don't have a lot of money.", "Oh, that was awesome.\n- I know.", "Do it again.", "Okay, but this time,\njump up and I'll swipe your legs.", "Oh, yeah.", "Look. Here's why I should get the place.", "You and Lily. You get to be married.", "What do I get, right? I get to be\nunmarried, alone, minus two roommates,", "and, on top of that, I have to be homeless!\nDoes that seem fair?", "Oh, boo-freaking-hoo.\n- What?", "Woe is me! I'm not married yet!\nMy ovaries are shrinking!", "Ted! If you wanted to be married by now,\nyou would be, but you're not.", "And you know why?\nBecause you're irrationally picky,", "you're easily distracted,\nand you're utterly anhedonic.", "\"Anhedonic\"?\n- Anhedonic.", "It means you can't enjoy anything.\n- The hell I can't. I'm enjoying this.", "I know. This rules!", "Hey, I'm sorry I took the swords down.\n- Dude, that's okay!", "It led to this totally rad sword fight,\ndidn't it?", "Yeah, it did.", "You remember\nwhen we first got these swords?", "It was the day we moved in.", "Congratulations, Marshall.", "We live in an apartment\nwith swords on the wall.", "List of life-long dreams,\nyou're now half as long.", "Crap. I'm missing one of those screws\nfor this table.", "Well, just use this wood glue. It'll hold.", "Yeah!", "Oh, God! I'll be right there.", "Kevin, I'm so sorry. I have to go.\nMy friend's been stabbed with a sword.", "Klingon insult. You have no honor.", "You know, if you felt this way,\nyou could have just been up front.", "No, I swear that was a real call. I just...", "Oh, forget it.", "I stabbed Lily. I stabbed my fianc\u00c3\u00a9e.", "Come on, Marshall. Do you really\nthink she's still your fianc\u00c3\u00a9e?", "I'm kidding.", "Hey, I think you guys\nshould have the apartment.", "But you fought so bravely for it.", "I wasn't fighting for the apartment.\nI was fighting for...", "I don't know.\nFor everything to stay the way it is.", "But I'm not gonna get that, so...", "Seriously, take the place. It's yours.", "Is she okay?", "Well, they're just patching her up.\nShe's gonna be fine.", "So, get this.\nI was on a date with this girl Jackie.", "What? You said she's fine. So, anyway,\nI was on a date with this girl Jackie.", "Wow, Jackie.\nYou make a really great first impression.", "I have a feeling that tonight\nyou might end up being Jackie... oh.", "Yeah, I'm sorry.\nI'm gonna have to lemon-law you.", "It's out there. It's a thing!\nThe lemon law is a thing!", "Damn. I should've called it Barney's law.", "But, you totally got...\n- Just let him have this one.", "All set.", "She said she'd like to see the knights\nof the poorly-constructed round table.", "That's us.", "A sword fight?", "Sorry, Lily.\n- Sorry, Lily.", "On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell\nmy kindergarten class,", "who I teach not to run with scissors,", "that my fianc\u00c3\u00a9 ran me through\nwith a fricking broadsword!", "Well, just to be fair,\nit didn't go all the way through.", "I'm sorry. Is this a discussion of\nthe degree to which you stabbed me?", "You're right. I'm sorry.", "We were fighting to see\nwho gets the apartment. And I won.", "You didn't win. I gave it to you.", "You know what, if I had tried...\n- Okay, wait, wait, wait!", "I don't want that apartment!\nIt's a boy apartment.", "It's full of swords and video games\nand kind of smells like dude.", "I mean, it's fine for now,\nbut when we get married,", "I wanna start a new life with you.", "In a new place.", "Gonna miss the old place.\n- I will, too.", "We're not getting married\nfor, like, a year.", "Yeah, that's Future Marshall's problem.", "Let that guy deal with it.\n- Totally.", "Maybe it's the massive blood loss talking,\nbut I'm starving.", "Let's go get some dinner.\n- I know just the place.", "A Chinese restaurant.", "I still don't believe it.\n- I told you.", "Okay, a toast.", "Life is full of changes.", "One day you have an apartment,\nthe next day it's a House of Dumplings.", "But the important stuff doesn't change.\nTo the important stuff.", "Here, here.\n- Cheers.", "Well said.\n- Cheers.", "To the lemon law.", "Self click.", "And, by the way, I bought these glasses.\nBought them at Ikea.", "These are my glasses!", "I love this song.\nI haven't heard this in forever.", "I'm pretty sure this is a mix tape\nyou made me in sophomore year.", "Yeah, right.", "Lily, your apartment makes\nthe best Shanghai dumplings.", "MARSHALL ON SPEAKER; I love you, Lily,\nHappy Valentine's Day, 1998,"], "How I Met Your Mother S01E08 The Duel": ["Kids, before I met your mother,", "when I was still out there searching,\nI learned something valuable.", "That love is not a science.", "Wow, that was a great story, Dad.\n- We're gonna go watch TV.", "You see, sometimes in life", "you just have to accept\nthat certain things can't be explained,", "and that's kind of scary.", "Oh, my God.\n- I know, I'm still shaking.", "What the... Joke's on you. I have a cold.", "Are you guys okay?", "Another round,\nand back it up for me and Lily!", "What happened?", "We saw something, up in the apartment.\n- Something bad.", "I don't know what it is,\nbut margaritas make me sexy.", "Oh, mucho sexy. Te quiero, Marshall.", "Oh, my God!", "What was it?", "Only the craziest, meanest-looking mouse\nyou've ever seen.", "Mouse? Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse.\nThat was a huge cockroach.", "Baby, it was a mouse. It had whiskers.", "What, those things coming out\nof his head? Those were antennae.", "Marshall ran away from a cockroach.\n- It was a mouse.", "Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad. You're a man.", "My story's on. Ted, pay attention.\nCarl, turn it up.", "I'm here with Ellen Pierce,", "New York's premiere matchmaker,", "Ellen, your company \"Love Solutions\"\nboasts a 100% success rate,", "What's your secret?\n- Science,", "Everything in life can be broken down\nto ones and zeros, even love.", "All I have to do is input\nthe variables, run the algorithm,", "and presto manifesto,\nyou have a soul mate and it works!", "Just ask all of my happy couples.", "And these are just\nthe attractive ones.", "I have more photos in the bathroom.", "Love Solutions' Ellen Pierce.", "A beacon of hope\nfor New York City's lovelorn.", "Robin Scherbatsky...", "Was that chick at the end really a client?", "Yes.\n- We're signing up.", "What?\n- Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot.", "That's a perfect cocktail.\nShake well, then sleep with.", "I'm not going to a matchmaker.\nThat's like giving up.", "It's the man version of getting a cat.", "No, it wasn't a cockroach. It had fur.\nAnd only mammals have fur.", "It was a cockroach.", "Come on, Lily.\nThe only way that that was a cockroach", "is if it was wearing the skin\nof a mouse it just killed.", "Oh, my God!", "Come on!", "Ted! Hurry!\nYou got to help me, my boat is sinking.", "What?\n- My boat is sinking!", "You have a boat?\n- Yes, I bought a boat last year", "at a police auction. I just got a call\nfrom a guy down at the marina", "that it's leaning starboard\nat a 45-degree angle.", "If I don't get down there right now\nit's gonna capsize! Now come on!", "Your boat is sinking. That was good.", "Come on.\nTed, this is an incredible opportunity.", "We'll meet our soul mates, nail them,\nand never call them again.", "All finished, gentlemen?", "Congratulations, you have just taken\nyour very first step.", "Gosh, thanks, Ellen.\nI sure hope this works.", "I'm so done with the single life.\nAll the games, the meaningless sex.", "You deserve more.", "That is so true, Ellen.", "I really think I'm ready to stop\nbeing a me, and start being a we.", "Hey, is there any way I can\nlet it be known that I love cuddling?", "Oh, of course you... That is so...", "It's kind of hard to talk about\nwith Ted here,", "but I just want someone who's not afraid\nto hold me at night,", "when the tears come.", "Ellen, can you help me find her?", "Get out.\n- What?", "I get 15 guys like you every week.", "Jerks who just wanna meet\nvulnerable women,", "nail them, and never call them again.", "Oh, my God, people do that?", "Do you wanna do this the easy way,\nor the hard way?", "What's the hard way?\nSecurity roughs me up and tosses me out?", "No, that's the easy way.", "The hard way is that I stomp the crap\nout of you myself.", "Okay, Ted, let's go.\n- Not you. You stay.", "You're cute.", "You're an architect. Good career.", "And you didn't use an obvious alias\non your application", "like your friend \"Jack Package.\"", "It's pronounced Puh-kaj.\n- Get out of here!", "You, I can work with.", "You give me three days,\nand I will find the woman you will marry.", "No, thanks.\nI don't need an algorithm to meet women.", "It's New York City.\nYou know, plenty of fish in the sea.", "Plenty of fish in the sea.", "Yes, there's nine million people\nin New York,", "4.5 million women.", "Of course, you wanna meet somebody\nroughly your own age,", "let's say, plus-minus five years.", "So if we take into account\nthe most recent census data,", "that leaves us with 482,000.", "But wait, 48% of those\nare already in relationships,", "and then you have to eliminate half\nfor intelligence, sense of humor", "and compatibility.", "And then you have to take out\nthe ex-girlfriends, and the relatives", "and, oh, we can't forget those lesbians.", "And then that leaves us\nwith eight women.", "That can't be right. Eight? Really, eight?", "There are eight fish\nin that big, blue ocean, Ted.", "And if you feel confident\nthat you could reel one into your boat", "without me, there's the door.", "Do you take credit cards?", "Okay, it's back.\nAnd this time we got a good look.", "Hey. Seriously,\nyou have to stop doing that!", "It's bigger now. It's been feeding.", "We were just upstairs watching TV.", "Oh, gosh.", "Okay. Let's do this.", "It's okay. It's over.", "So, did you get a good look at it?\n- Yeah.", "It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton,\nlike a roach.", "But it had mouse-like characteristics.", "Gray-brown tufts of fur, a tail.", "So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?", "It's a cockamouse.", "What?", "It's some sort of mutant combination\nof the two.", "It's as if a cockroach and a mouse,\nyou know...", "Did the horizontal, 10-legged,\ninter-species cha-cha?", "That's impossible.\nThat simply can't happen.", "But it can.\n- And it has.", "And it's pissed.", "Dude, is everything okay?\nYou left the front door open.", "There was no time.", "So, Love Solutions?\nDid you meet the love of your life?", "She said it'd take three days.\nIt's been five days.", "Should I be worried?", "Just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it.", "Did you just use my name as a verb?", "Yeah, we do that behind your back.", "Ted out. To overthink.", "Also see, Ted up.", "Ted up, to overthink something\nwith disastrous results.", "Sample sentence,\nBilly Teded up when he tried to...", "Okay. I get it.", "Don't worry. I'm not gonna\nTed anything up, or out.", "I should give it a few more days.", "Hi, Ellen. Remember me? I'm Ted.\n- Ted. Hi.", "I meant to call you.", "The computer is still crunching\nthe numbers.", "Busy as a bee, that little computer.", "You said it was gonna be three days.", "Did I? Three days.", "Really?\n- Yeah.", "When someone says you're gonna meet\nthe perfect woman in three days,", "you kind of put that in your datebook. So.", "How do I say this?\nThis is gonna be really hard.", "Ted, there are absolutely no women\nout there for you.", "Actually, I got through that okay.", "There are no women out there for me?\nI thought you said there were eight.", "I know. There's supposed to be.\nI don't know where they are.", "But I'm an architect.\nAnd you said I'm cute.", "I'm a cute architect.\n- How do you think I feel?", "I have a 100% success rate.\nThat's my hook!", "I could maybe find somebody for you\nif you were gay.", "Well, I'm not.\n- A little bi maybe?", "No!", "You're messing with me, right?\n- Come see for yourself.", "I cannot set you up", "unless you have a compatibility rating\nof 7.0 or higher. And look.", "5.4, 4.8, 5.6...", "There's a 9.6 right there.", "Don't touch the computer.", "Yes. Sarah O'Brien.\nI fixed her up six months ago.", "She would've been\nabsolutely perfect for you.", "Well, what about the guy you set her\nup with? Is he a 9.6 compatibility rating?", "8.5.\n- So he sucks!", "No, 8.5 is an extremely good\nmatch-up quotient.", "Sure it's good. It's solid. But a 9.6?", "9.6 is off the charts.\nBut Sarah is matched up.", "Ted, look. I have lunch. Please.", "I promise we will find you somebody.\nDon't lose hope.", "There are new women turning 18\nevery day.", "It's a whole new species. The cockamouse.", "And it's the size of a potato.", "So, what now, it's a cockapotatomouse?", "Don't make it sound ridiculous.\nIt's a cockamouse!", "My God, this is incredible!\nWe're like the same person.", "Sarah O'Brien loves brunch.\nShe wants to have two children.", "Her guilty-pleasure song\nis Summer Breeze by Seals and Croft.", "Wow, Ted.\nSounds like you're her perfect woman.", "And like the majestic seahorse,\nit's hermaphroditic.", "Obviously, the whole thing\nis shrouded in mystery.", "For as much as we know\nabout the cockamouse,", "there is still so much we don't know.", "Well, we know that there is no such thing\nas the cockamouse.", "What we don't know\nis what you guys have been smoking.", "So you really don't believe\nin the cockamouse?", "Well, I believe that you saw\nsomething perfectly normal,", "but you've exaggerated it in your mind,\nyou know, like the Loch Ness monster.", "If by \"like the Loch Ness monster\"\nyou mean \"totally exists and is awesome,\"", "then, yeah, it's like\nthe Loch Ness monster.", "Its diet is not unlike our own.\nGrains, cereals,", "and it's awfully fond of cheese.\n- Okay. This is getting weird.", "The similarities go on and on.", "She hates phonies.\nI totally hate phonies, too.", "She's a dermatologist. I have skin.", "You want to be her boyfriend.\nShe already has a boyfriend.", "It's uncanny.\n- All right.", "But it wouldn't hurt\nto check her out, right?", "See what my 9.6 looks like in person,\nas, you know, a frame of reference.", "And if she thinks she can do\n11.45% better, who am I to deny her that?", "OLDER TED; That's right, I did the math,", "Hi.\n- Hi, I'm Dr. O'Brien.", "I'm architect Mosby. Sorry.\nI just wanted to say my job, too.", "Hi, I'm Ted.\n- Hi.", "So, what are we doing today?", "Right, I have a kind of mole on my back.", "It's probably nothing.\nBut I'm a cautious guy.", "I'm exactly the same.", "Sorry about that. Summer Breeze\nis my guilty-pleasure song.", "Oh, yeah, it's been stuck in my head\never since I heard it this weekend", "at brunch.\n- I love brunch.", "It's the best.", "As long as I don't have to spend it\nwith a bunch of phonies.", "I like the way you think, architect Mosby.", "Hey, this may sound weird.\nBut it'll definitely sound more weird", "once my shirt's off,\nso I'm gonna ask you now.", "Do you wanna have dinner with me\nSaturday night?", "That's very sweet, but I'm actually\ngetting married on Saturday.", "Friday night?", "Wow. You're getting married.\nCongratulations.", "Thank you.\n- I'm really sorry I asked you out.", "It just felt like there could\nbe this weird connection between us.", "How crazy am I coming off here?\n- Only a little.", "Well, by some million-to-one long shot,\nand I'm not rooting for this,", "you wind up not getting married\nthis weekend, give me a call.", "Okay. But it's not likely.\nI look damn good in my dress.", "I'm sure you do.", "Wow. That's a pretty sophisticated trap.", "You think the Road Runner's\ngonna fall for it?", "Okay, we get it. You're skeptical.\nBut Marshall and I, we're believers.", "We believe.", "Yeah, look around.\nThe universe is mysterious and awesome.", "You got the Bermuda Triangle,\nghosts, Bigfoot.", "Bad maps, creaky houses,\nhillbilly in a gorilla suit.", "Aliens?", "Come on! You gotta give me aliens!", "Stonehenge, Area 51,\nthere's alien crap all over the place.", "You can't be serious?", "My friend, you just poked the bear.", "So, my 9.6,", "beautiful, charming, intelligent, engaged.", "Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry.\n- Yeah, it was a long shot.", "I told her to call me anyway if she\nchanges her mind. But I don't know.", "Whoa, whoa, whoa.\nLet's not skip over this.", "Raise your hand if earlier today\nyou hit on an engaged woman?", "Come on, Lily, don't hate the player,\nhate the game.", "\"On the night of July 2, 1947,", "\"conditions were clear over\nRoswell, New Mexico.\"", "Oh, jeez.", "Hey, Ted, there's a message\non the machine for you.", "Dr. O'Brien.\n- What?", "\"When suddenly, an array of...\"", "SARAH; Ted, hi,\nThis is Dr., O'Brien, About today,", "Listen, I really need to talk to you,\nCall me, I'll be at the office all day,", "The doctor will see you now.", "What should I do?\nI should totally go down there, right?", "Don't interfere. Some guy is expecting\nto marry this woman on Saturday.", "Yeah, an 8.5 guy.", "Look, if I was marrying the wrong\nperson and the right person was out there,", "and knew it, I'd want that person\nto come down to my dermatology office", "and tell me so.\nIn that scenario, I'm not interfering,", "I'm a happy ending.\n- Happy ending?", "Look, I have to go down there.\nI don't know what's gonna happen", "when I get there, but I\ngotta give it a shot.", "All right, see you later. Happy hunting.\n- Wait, where are you guys going?", "Don't you wanna stay\nand see the cockamouse?", "Yeah, we're gonna go\nmake some crop circles.", "Oh, my God!\n- Holy crap buckets, we got it.", "What do we do with it?\n- Calm down, I have a plan.", "I told my friend Sudeep about it.", "He wants to show it\nto the Columbia Biology department.", "But it has to be alive.\n- Wait, no, no!", "They'll do lab experiments on it.\nThat's so mean.", "Shouldn't we just beat it to death\nwith a bat?", "Hello, again.", "I'm glad you came down. I would\nprefer to say this to you in person.", "Go ahead, Sarah.\nYou can tell me anything.", "You have a basal cell carcinoma.", "Anything else?", "Your mole. The biopsy came back.", "It's not life-threatening,\nbut we should excise the rest of it.", "Wait, then you're still getting married?", "Of course I'm still getting married.\n- But we're a 9.6.", "Excuse me?\n- Okay, I...", "I went to Love Solutions\nand I saw on Ellen Pierce's computer", "that you and I are a 9.6.\nYour fianc\u00c3\u00a9's only an 8.5.", "You looked at my file?\n- I had to. You're my only match.", "Aren't you even a little curious?\nThe woman who set you up", "with your fianc\u00c3\u00a9\nthinks we're a better match.", "I am getting married on Saturday.", "Ted.", "Look, don't you think you're being\na little impulsive marrying a guy", "you just met a few months ago?\n- Don't you think it's a little impulsive", "for you to proposition an engaged woman\nyou don't even know?", "See, we're both impulsive.\nWe're perfect for each other!", "Ted, just calm down.\n- Calm down?", "You're my only match!", "Come on, there was a computer,\nand there were eight fish", "in a sea full of lesbians.\n- Okay, Ted, Ted.", "Do you honestly believe deep down\nthat there is no one else out there for you", "just because some computer says so?", "I didn't use to, but there was math,\nI got confused.", "Love isn't a science.\nYou can't calculate a feeling.", "When you fall in love with someone,\nan 8.5 equals a perfect 10.", "You're right.", "If this thing is what you say it is,\nit could be huge for my career.", "Brace yourself, dude.\nThis is gonna blow your mind-hole.", "You bastard.\nI actually got excited about this.", "What?\n- It's empty.", "Wait, but if it's not here, that means...", "Lily!", "Robin!\n- What?", "Oh, my God! It's real!\n- No, is it? Do something!", "No! What the hell was that?\nYou trying to get it drunk?", "It was the only thing I could think of!", "Lily! Thank God!", "Lily, I love you!", "Robin, open the window!", "Please, for the love of God,\nopen the window!", "It can fly.", "Wow.", "Be free, mutant beast.\nI'll miss this private war of ours.", "I grew to admire your tenacious...", "Holy mother of God! It's headed this way!", "Close the window!", "Hi, Ellen.", "I think I want my money back.", "I'm a failure. I'm all washed up.\nI tried everything, Ted.", "I widened the search parameters,\nI tweaked the program.", "Last night, I stood out on the street\nfor five hours", "showing your photo\nto random pedestrians. No takers.", "Although this transvestite hooker said\nhe/she would do you for half price", "because you kind of look like John Cusack", "and his/her favorite movie was\nSay Anything...", "Come on, Ellen. I mean, a pint of\nice cream. Isn't that a bit clich\u00c3\u00a9?", "It's for the bourbon.", "This isn't hopeless.\nYou're gonna find someone for me.", "No, I won't. You're gonna die alone.", "I'm not gonna die alone. Look at me.\nI'm bright. I'm attractive.", "You just gotta get back out there\nand keep looking.", "No. You're never gonna find anybody.", "And every year, you're just getting\nolder and it's getting harder and harder.", "You're being ridiculous. I'm gonna be\nup on that wall one of these days.", "No, you won't!\n- Yes, I will!", "How do you know?\n- I don't know, but I believe.", "Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse\ncan find love in this crazy city,", "then damn it, so can I!", "You're losing me.", "The point is,\nsomething good's gonna happen to me.", "I mean, maybe your computer will help,\nmaybe it won't, but it'll happen.", "So I should keep looking?\n- Of course you should.", "And now, you're gonna do it for free."], "How I Met Your Mother S01E09 Belly Full of Turkey": ["Kids, this is\na Thanksgiving story.", "Thanksgiving in New York\nis a wonderful time,", "It's a time for giving of yourself,\nfor thinking of your fellow man,", "A time when the unforgiving city\nbecomes a little kinder,", "Well, I just ralphed.", "How much did you guys drink last night?\n- Not how much, what.", "The Thanks-tini,", "a fun and delicious new novelty drink\nI invented.", "Cranberry juice, potato vodka,\nand a bouillon cube.", "Tastes just like a turkey dinner.", "It's like Thanksgiving in my mouth.", "You want a good holiday drink?\nTry his Kwanzaa-politan.", "The shuttle's here!", "He hasn't been back home to Minnesota\nsince Christmas.", "He's a little excited.\n- Baby, we're holding up the shuttle.", "Do you have everything you need?\nToothbrush, pajamas, underpants?", "Underpants.", "So, Lil, Marshall's family.", "Whole weekend with the future in-laws.\nYou excited?", "Yeah, no, it'll be fun.\n- Lily, you just said, \"Yeah, no.\"", "Did I? No, I love Marshall's family.", "But, yeah, no, it'll be great.\n- You just did it again.", "Yeah, no, shut up.", "Wait, so you're not going home\nfor Thanksgiving?", "No, I have to work on Friday. You?\n- I'm Canadian, remember?", "We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.\n- Oh, right, I forgot.", "You guys are weird.\nYou pronounce the word \"out,\" \"oute.\"", "You guys are the world's leader\nin handgun violence,", "your healthcare system is bankrupt,", "and your country is deeply divided\non almost every important issue.", "Your cops are called Mounties.", "So, probably hanging out\nwith Barney, then?", "No. Barney's got\nhis own Thanksgiving tradition.", "Thanksgiving in a strip club. Who's in?", "The Lusty Leopard has\na surprisingly good Thanksgiving buffet.", "Plus, they do this thing.\nHeather dresses up as a Pilgrim,", "and Misty dresses up as an Indian,\nand they share a meal together.", "Oh, Barney.\n- I'm sorry. Native American.", "I think I'm gonna go to a homeless shelter,\nserve food.", "That's awesome.\n- Yeah.", "I thought I'd just spend the day\ngiving back, you know, doing some good.", "Canceling out Barney.\n- Exactly.", "Where are all my underpants?\n- Did you check your suitcase?", "No.", "Let's go.", "Let's go.", "And go they went,", "All the way to St., Cloud, Minnesota,\nMarshall's hometown,", "And as Lily stepped into\nher fianc\u00c3\u00a9's boyhood home,", "she received a big welcome,", "Hello! We're home!", "A very big welcome,", "You see, at 6-foot-4,\nMarshall was the runt of the Eriksen clan,", "Great to see you.\n- Hey, you, too.", "Wow, I forgot how tall you guys are.", "Where's my almost daughter-in-law?\n- Here I am!", "Over here!", "Well, you got yourself\na great little bride here, Son.", "Yeah.\n- That's great.", "All right, now, no farting around.", "Put your skates and your pads on, boys.\nGame on in five minutes.", "Yeah. All right.", "Oh, you gonna play hockey?\n- Hike, hut!", "With a basketball?\n- Well, it's a combination of the two.", "We call it \"bask-ice-ball.\"\n- We invented it.", "It's the most dangerous\nand awesome sport in the world.", "Bask-ice-ball? Not ice-ket-ball?", "\"Ice-ket-ball\"?", "Just sounds weird.\n- Yeah.", "It's bask-ice-ball, okay? And I'm the best.\n- Oh, you wish.", "Oh, well, maybe that's just 'cause\nyou haven't seen me play.", "I don't know, honey.\nIt's not really a sport for a girl.", "Well, that's funny,\n'cause your brother throws like a girl.", "Marcus.", "This is gonna be great.\n- I know. I'm so psyched we did this.", "Man, look at all these people.", "Giving up their Thanksgiving to help\ntheir fellow man.", "These have gotta be the best people\nin New York.", "Excuse me, guys, coming through.", "Barney?\n- Well, hi, guys.", "What are you doing here?\n- Oh, just the Lord's work.", "But you're Satan.\n- Guys, okay, look.", "I don't advertise it, but I volunteer here.", "I think it's important to help\nthe less fortunate.", "I'm the Angelina Jolie\nof incredibly hot guys.", "This is a joke, right?\nYou don't actually volunteer here?", "Barney, we need you out front.\nThere is a logjam on the stuffing line.", "Can you show them how it's done?\n- I'm on it.", "Wait, so, this is real? Barney does this?\n- Every Sunday, all year long.", "He's our best volunteer.", "That's 'cause\nI was trained by the best, Kendall.", "Anyway, we're psyched\nto be here, Kendall.", "What do you need us to do?", "Go home, we're full.\n- What?", "We're volunteers, we're unpaid help.", "Can you ever really have\nenough unpaid help?", "On the biggest volunteer day of the year?\nYeah, you can.", "Come on, we just wanna help out.\n- Kendall. They're cool.", "Fine. But I'm not promising anything.", "Wait here,\nwe'll let you know if we need you.", "Okay, well, I better get back out there.\nThere's a lot of food to give out.", "And a lot of smiles.", "I almost forgot.", "I know it's early,", "but you are a future Mrs. Eriksen.", "Oh, thank you.", "Well, it'll go great with my...", "I just love it.", "Okay, Lily, we're putting you\non salad duty.", "Oh, I make this\ngreat fris\u00c3\u00a9e and endive salad", "with a coriander lime vinaigrette.", "But this is an American holiday.", "Lily, now that you're going to be\na Mrs. Eriksen,", "I'm going to let you in on a secret recipe:", "The Eriksen Family Seven Layer Salad.", "Seven layer salad?", "Six cups of mayonnaise?\nThat can't be right.", "Oh, no, dear. Sixteen cups.\nMayo's in that cabinet.", "Oh, my God, there is some\nserious bask-ice-ball going on out there.", "Dad totally nailed Marcus in the face\nwith a snowball, which is a foul,", "'cause you only get\none snowball per possession,", "so I nailed him in the shin with my skate,\nand then I totally dunked it.", "Yeah, you were sitting pretty,\ntill I whacked you with that mallet.", "Hey, gorgeous.", "You having fun?", "Yeah, but I kind of miss you.\nCould you stay in here for a little bit?", "Yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem.\nIt's halftime.", "Halftime's over.\nGet your butts out here. Come on.", "And I hope you like the taste\nof skate, dorko.", "Go.\n- Thanks, baby.", "Isn't this great?", "Can't you see why everybody\nfrom my high school stays in this town?", "Hey, Marvin! You're the dorko, dorko!", "Man, it's amazing out there.", "I've done so much good today,\nI've got, like, a soul boner.", "Man, the way\nthe faces of the less fortunate light up", "when you give them\na hot, nutritious meal,", "is there a better feeling on earth?", "Yesterday, you said the best feeling\non earth was getting your toes sucked.", "Then you requested a high-five,\nwith your foot.", "Hey, Barn, what do you say\nyou let us sub in for you", "scoop stuffing for a little bit?", "You wanna scoop stuffing\nyour first day out?", "Hello, NFL,\ncan I be quarterback this Sunday? Dude.", "Okay, I finished the Gummi Bear layer\nof the salad.", "What's next?", "Potato chips, of course.", "So, Lily, when are you gonna start\nthinking about having a baby?", "Baby? You know,\nI hadn't really thought about it.", "At all.", "Actually, Aunt Lily was lying,\nIt was all she'd been thinking about,", "You see, remember when she said...", "Well, I just ralphed.", "At that point, she was five days late,", "This was day six,", "Yeah, I mean, I'm way too young\nto have a baby, right?", "Oh, are you kidding?", "I was younger than you\nwhen I had Marcus.", "Beautiful 15-pound boy.", "Not much bigger\nthan this turkey right here.", "Oh, boy.", "Now, if Lily was already\nuneasy about joining the Eriksen family,", "imagine how she felt", "about possibly having a 15-pound Eriksen\ngrowing inside of her,", "That's a big baby, Judy.", "The doctor thought he was twins.\n- Twins.", "Twins.", "This is crazy. When did it get so hard\nto do charity work?", "I do charity work all the time.", "Remember when I said\nI'd find you a girlfriend?", "Delightful. How's that little project\ncoming along, anyway?", "I'm working on it.", "I'm gonna introduce you to that girl\nyou've been staring at.", "What? That's crazy.\nI haven't been staring at any girl.", "Have you met Ted?", "Hi, I'm the aforementioned Ted,\nand this is... Gone.", "I'm Amanda.\n- Hi.", "So, what do you do here, Ted?\n- Well, I've been... Nothing. I do nothing.", "Well, if you wanna do something,", "you and your girlfriend can help\nsort through these donations.", "Oh, I'm not his girlfriend.", "I used to be,\nbut I just wasn't enough woman for Ted,", "emotionally, or sexually.", "Oh, my God.", "So, Amanda, what do you need us to do?", "Okay, this is important.", "Go through all these boxes\nof food donations,", "take out the really good stuff,\nand put it into this box.", "Got it. Consider it sorted.", "Hey, we're in business.", "Hey, Barney's not gonna get\nall the glory today.", "Let's start with this one.\n- Yeah.", "Amen.", "Look who came to say good night.", "It's little Martin. Three months old.", "Months? Three months?\n- He's been drinking his milk.", "Oh, yeah.", "Hear, hear.", "And she's already pregnant again.", "Well, that's 'cause\nthose Eriksen boys' boys can swim.", "They got two tails\nand a drill bit for a head.", "Dad, you're embarrassing me.\n- Don't worry about it, Son, she's cool.", "She's gonna be an Eriksen.\n- Yeah, well, not literally.", "'Cause, you know, I'm keeping my name.", "But the apron?", "Well, we haven't actually decided\nanything yet, so we're gonna...", "No, I've decided,\nand I'm keeping my own name.", "But Eriksen is a great last name.", "People know the Eriksens.", "Well, sure, in St. Cloud,", "but our kids aren't gonna be\ngrowing up in St. Cloud.", "Right, baby?", "Well, why not St. Cloud?\nI mean, I loved growing up in St. Cloud.", "St. Cloud is a great place\nto have a childhood.", "Well, so is New York.", "What? It is. And we grew up just fine.", "And we grew to the proper size,\nand then we stopped.", "Hey, Amanda, what's this box for?\n- Oh, that's for me.", "You can put it in my car.\n- In your car. Then you'll take it...", "Home. Yeah, we get so much extra food,\nno one can eat it all.", "Oh, truffle oil. Score.", "But people donated this food\nthinking it was going to feed the hungry.", "I know. And I'm starving.", "But, Marshall, you love New York.\n- Yes, I do.", "But you always said\nthat when we had kids,", "you wanted to move out of Manhattan.\n- Well, yeah, to Brooklyn.", "Why are we even talking about this?\nThis is, like, way down the road.", "But Lily knew \"way down the\nroad,\"might not be so far down the road,", "I need to go to the restroom.\n- Lily, the restroom's the other way.", "So, she headed down the road,", "Lily? Lily!", "So, wait. Not only have you not done\nany good for anyone today,", "you're actually helping someone\nsteal from the homeless?", "You know, Ted, it's called\nThanksgiving, not Thanks-taking.", "Damn.", "Barney, you need me to sign\nyour time sheet, right?", "Oh, yeah, right. Thanks.\n- Barney.", "Yeah, what's up?\n- You have a time sheet?", "No one else has a time sheet.\n- Yeah, so?", "All right, let me see that. Come on.", "Hey, that's my private, personal business.", "\"Court-mandated community service?\"", "Oh, my God, you're on probation?\nWhat did you do?", "That's my private, personal business.", "I was unfairly punished because\nthe wall belonged to the judge's church.", "You peed on a church?", "I peed in an alley,\nwhich happened to have a church,", "which I did not see, because I was drunk.", "You are evil.\n- All is right with the world again.", "Okay, fine.", "So a judge is making me do this,\nbut I'm still doing it.", "And kicking ass at it, BTW.", "When's the last time\neither of you did something good, huh?", "Kendall. Kendall.", "Amanda is stealing Portobello mushrooms\nfrom homeless people.", "Amanda. I called dibs\non the Portobello mushrooms.", "Those are for the hungry.\n- I know. And I'm starving.", "Those are good mushrooms!", "Mushrooms! Mushrooms!\nPortobello mushrooms for everyone!", "Take them and run!\nThey're very expensive!", "Happy Thanksgiving.\n- Happy Thanksgiving?", "As in, \"Check out the chick buying\nthe knock-up test, everybody,", "\"wonder what must be going\nthrough her head.\"", "Yeah, well, since you asked,\na family of mayonnaise-guzzling giants", "is trying to suck me\ninto their suburban nightmare,", "and there's a solid chance\nthat I have an Eriksen,", "the size of a 15-pound turkey,\ngrowing inside of me!", "You know the Eriksens?\nYou're Marshall's fianc\u00c3\u00a9e.", "Fantastic.\n- So nice to meet you.", "You're taller than described.", "Oh, I'm sorry I just yelled at you.", "You mind if I use your bathroom?\n- Don't have one.", "So what do you do when you have to...\n- I hold it.", "You can't fire a volunteer.\n- Apparently you can.", "And his two\nnon-mushroom-throwing friends.", "I can't believe I told Kendall\nyou guys were cool.", "I have 40 hours left\non my community service.", "And now I've gotta spend it\nspearing trash on a freaking median strip.", "Volunteer of the Year!", "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay?", "Look, if there's anything I can do\nto make it up to you,", "just tell me, I'll do it.\n- Ted, I'm glad you asked.", "Surprisingly good.\n- Right? I told you so.", "Public urination.\nWho gets arrested for public urination?", "Lily's been arrested.\n- Oh, dear. What for?", "Public urination.", "Thanks, Pete.\n- No problemo, Marsh.", "You all right?\n- No.", "I embarrassed myself\nin front of your family,", "and now I'm celebrating Thanksgiving in\nprobably the most depressing place ever.", "Well, I'm glad that you're safe.", "Hey, weird question.", "Why did you drive 3 miles down Route 23", "and take a pee\nbehind a convenience store?", "Okay, I'll tell you, but before I do,", "promise me that we are not gonna move\nto St. Cloud, Minnesota. Promise.", "Look it, I'm not suggesting\nthat we move here tomorrow,", "I'm just...\n- Just promise!", "Why do you want me to promise you that?", "Because I don't fit in here.\nI'm not 8 feet tall,", "and I don't think you can call it a salad\nif it has Funyuns in it!", "I'm Funyuns.", "And mayonnaise, and Gummi Bears,\nand bask-ice-ball, and I love St. Cloud.", "And yes, there is a part of me\nthat would like to move here someday.", "And why are we having this discussion\nin a jail cell on Thanksgiving?", "Okay, personal effects.\nOne wallet, one cell phone,", "one pregnancy test.", "Pete arrested me before I could look at it.", "Whoa.\n- Yeah.", "Lily, we can't let our kids play\nbask-ice-ball.", "Bask-ice-ball is really dangerous.", "Yeah, what are the rules\nto that game, anyway?", "There are no rules.\nWe just whale on each other.", "Look, I don't wanna be\nexactly like my family.", "And don't take this the wrong way,", "but I don't wanna be\nexactly like your family, either.", "We'll be our own family.", "And we'll find our own way to\nfreak out the people our kids bring home.", "Great, now I'm crying.", "Look, we may have some really\nbig decisions to make", "in about 10 seconds,", "but right now,\nI don't care where our kids grow up,", "as long as they have you for a father.", "Gosh, I hope you're the father.", "Just a little joke to lighten up the mood.", "What does it say?", "It's negative!", "Oh, thank God.", "And, hey!", "Ted, are you listening?", "You're a good guy.", "Wanna know\nwhy I have to work tomorrow?", "My firm's designing an executive lounge\nfor a tobacco company.", "In the fight against cancer,\nI'm on the side of cancer.", "Okay, Ted. I found a way\nfor you to help someone, to do some good.", "This is Walter. Walter is homeless.", "And Walter would like a lap dance.\n- Are you joking?", "I never joke about the sublime art\nof burlesque entertainment.", "No, Barney, that's insane.", "Sir, would you like me to buy you\na ticket to the buffet?", "No, I'm stuffed.\nJust the lap dance would be fine.", "Ted, Walter's been\nto three shelter dinners.", "You know where he hasn't been?\nTo heaven with Samantha.", "Look, it's the one chance you've had\nall day to help someone in need.", "Now, buy this man a lap dance.", "You said you wanted to see the look of joy\nin someone's eyes.", "You know, I don't think I'm gonna watch.", "Here you go, Walter. Happy Thanksgiving.", "Thank you so much. No, really. Thank you.", "Happy Thanksgiving, guys.", "Thanksgiving in November. Weird.", "So, that was Thanksgiving 2005,", "To be honest, it didn't go great,\nBut life has plenty of good parts,", "It's the rough parts that make you thankful\nyou have people to share it with,", "Hey, I saw what you did for that guy.\nIt was really sweet.", "Do you want a dance?\n- No, thanks.", "Do you want some yams?\n- No, thanks.", "I'm Amber.\n- I'm Ted.", "Actually, I'm Tracey.", "Still Ted.", "And that, kids,\nis the true story of how I met your mother,", "What?\n- I'm kidding."], "How I Met Your Mother S01E10 The Pineapple Incident": ["Now, I remember a lot of stories", "from back in the days\nbefore I met your mother,", "But there's one story I don't remember,", "Uncle Marshall still refers to it\nas the \"pineapple incident,\"", "The night started like any other,\nWe were downstairs at the bar,", "Hey, it's on the house.", "Whoa!\n- Whoa!", "It's my own concoction.\nI call it the Red Dragon.", "Wow.\n- Thanks, Carl.", "Really sweet.\n- Wow.", "We're not really doing shots, are we?\n- I hope not.", "No, no, no.\n- Not in a million years.", "These look kind of like blood.", "Okay, I know that you've all dismissed\nthis theory before.", "But is there any chance\nthat Carl is a vampire?", "No.\n- That's ludicrous.", "No, look, I am serious. Think about it.\nHe always wears black,", "we never see him in the daylight,\nonly after dark.", "Oh, my God. That does describe a vampire.\nOr, you know, a bartender.", "Well, I should go get dressed.\n- Where you going, buddy, hot date?", "I'll say. She's going\nout with a billionaire.", "Lily, I told you not to call him that.", "Wait, you're really going out\nwith a billionaire?", "He's not a billionaire.\nHe's a hundred millionaire.", "Why do people always round up?", "So, where's Thurston Howell taking you?\n- A charity dinner.", "Yeah, $2,000 a plate.\n- $1,500! Stop rounding up.", "And it's for Third World hunger.\n- You gonna put out?", "What? There's only one reason\nhe's taking her to this dinner,", "and it's not so little Mu Tu\ncan get his malaria pills.", "I think my soul just threw up a little bit.", "Well, I'm gonna be late.\nYou guys have fun.", "Bye.\n- See you.", "Bye.\n- See you.", "You okay?\n- Sure. Why?", "Oh, I don't know.\nGirl of your dreams, dating a billionaire.", "Okay, first of all, hundred millionaire.", "And second,\nshe's not the girl of my dreams.", "We're just friends.", "Look, it would not be smart\nif we got together.", "I mean, I'm looking to settle down,\nshe's looking for...", "What, you done? Great.", "Check out table number four.", "See that little hottie on the end?\nShe's short, but has an ample bosom.", "I love it. She's like half boob. Let's go.", "Yeah, and say what?\nWhat's our big opening line?", "Oh, it's, \"Daddy's home.\"", "Daddy's home?\n- Yeah.", "Okay, you want us\nto go over there, right now,", "and say to those girls, Daddy's home?", "Really think about that, Barney.", "Yeah, I think it's pretty solid.", "Okay, think about this.", "Is there even a single item on the menu\nthat has garlic in it?", "There's garlic fries.", "Okay, well, I'll get back to you.", "Oh! Daddy's back.", "See, if you'd taken\na moment to think about that...", "Then Daddy wouldn't have gotten this\nseven-digit Father's Day card from Amy.", "That worked? I hate the world.", "Ted, your problem is\nall you do is think, think, think.", "I'm teaching you how to do, do, do.", "Doo-doo.\n- Totally.", "So I think a lot.\nI happen to have a very powerful brain.", "It can't be helped.\n- Oh, yes, it can.", "Interesting!", "Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason.", "It's like the universe was saying,\n\"Hey, Barney, there's this dude,", "\"he's pretty cool,\nbut it's your job to make him awesome.\"", "Your brain screws you up, Ted.\nIt gets in the way.", "It happened with Robin.\nIt happened with half boob.", "And it's gonna keep on happening,", "until you power down that bucket\nof neuroses, inebriation style.", "So what? You want me to do a shot?", "Oh, no. I want you to do five shots.", "Oh, more interesting.\n- Whoa.", "Barney, I think you've officially...\n- No, don't think. Do!", "Ted, he's right. You over think.\nMaybe you should over drink.", "Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink.\n- Drink. Drink. Drink.", "Lily, will you tell these guys\nhow stupid they're being?", "Guys, you are being immature,\nand moronic, and drink, drink.", "Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.\n- Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.", "Yeah!\n- Yeah!", "Drink, drink, drink...\n- Drink, drink, drink...", "Let me tell you\nsomething about this brain, okay?", "Drink, drink!\ndrink, drink!", "Yeah!", "Mere alcohol cannot stop this brain.", "Drink, drink, drink...\n- Drink, drink, drink...", "I love it. I love it. I love it!", "This brain, dear mortals,\nis no ordinary brain.", "Drink, drink, drink...\ndrink, drink, drink...", "This is a super brain.", "Drink, drink. Drink!\ndrink, drink. Drink!", "This brain is unstoppable! This brain...", "And that's all I remember,\nexcept for a few hazy memories,", "And, really, the next thing I remember\nis waking up the following morning,", "So, there were some\nunanswered questions,", "How much did I drink?", "How did I sprain my ankle?", "And who was this girl in my bed?", "There's a rock star.", "Okay. What the hell happened last night?", "You really don't remember, super brain?", "So, Uncle Marshall\nand Aunt Lily filled me in,", "And how'd you guys like the shots?\n- I drank all five, bitch!", "I love drunk Ted.\n- Marshall thinks you're a vampire.", "If he pukes, one of you guys cleans it up.", "No dibs!", "No... Oh, damn it!", "How quickly you all forget!\nI haven't puked since high school.", "I am vomit-free since '93.", "Vomit-free since '93. That's funny.\nI'm funny!", "Who are you calling?\n- Robin.", "Bad idea jeans.", "No, no, it's a great idea.\nThat's the whole point of getting drunk.", "You do things you'd never do\nin a million years if you were sober.", "Says every girl you've ever slept with.", "Say what?", "Hello, Robin, it's Ted.", "Hi, Ted.\n- Hello, Robin, it's Ted.", "Hi, Ted. Sounds like you're having fun.", "Robin, have I ever told you\nthat I am vomit-free since '93?", "Oh, listen, Ted, I can't\nreally talk right...", "Ninety-three? Dude, that's impressive.", "Robin, you know, I don't say this enough,\nbut you're a great woman!", "And a great reporter.\nYou should be on 60 Minutes,", "You should be one of the minutes!", "Well, that's sweet and odd,\nbut I'm kind of on a date right now.", "Yeah, and I disagree with Barney.", "Just 'cause this guy is spending\na lot of money", "doesn't mean you have to put out.", "Take it slow, Robin. Take it slow.", "Slow.\n- Bye, Ted.", "Slow.", "Wow, right. That's why we don't do shots.", "Friends don't let friends drink and dial.", "I need that phone back!\n- You'll get this back at the end of class.", "Ding! Class dismissed. Here you go, kid,\nyou call whoever you want.", "Thank you, kind sir!", "At least someone appreciates the fact\nthat I am doing and not thinking.", "And now, I don't think\nI won't not go to the bathroom.", "Was that necessary?\nHe is not making smart decisions.", "Exactly! It's like, what's he gonna do next?\nI don't know, but I want to find out!", "Cheap Trick. Oh, Ted.", "Hello again, Ted.", "I love everyone in this bar!", "And we love you, drunk Ted!", "Ted?", "Well, that explains the ankle.", "And then we brought you home\nand put you to bed.", "Was there anyone else in there with me?", "There's a girl in there.\n- I know.", "And a pineapple.\n- I know!", "Who is she?\n- I don't know.", "What the hell happened to my jacket?\n- Whoa.", "That girl in there is alive, right?", "I should call Barney.\nMaybe he knows what happened.", "Hello.", "Why are you sleeping in our tub?", "The porcelain keeps the suit\nfrom wrinkling.", "Wait, were you here\nwhen I went to the bathroom", "in the middle of the night?\n- Don't worry, I slept through it.", "I totally didn't sleep through it!", "Oh, and, wow,\nfor a little girl you got a big tank.", "How did you get in here, anyway?\nWe put Ted to bed around 1:00.", "Oh, you put Ted to bed all right.", "You guys take care of me.\nYou guys are the best.", "I love you guys so much.", "Good night, Ted.\n- Love you, too, buddy.", "I'm back, baby doll!", "I'm back, baby doll!", "Hey! He rallies!", "And the night begins now. All right.\nGame face on.", "Carl, two more. All right, all right.\nWhat do we think of this one?", "I think she...\n- Trick question. No thinking!", "You know what time it is? It's do o'clock.", "Let's ride.\n- Bring it!", "Hi.", "Have you met Ted? He...", "Excuse me.", "You're calling Robin.\n- I'm calling Robin.", "Ted, as your mentor and spiritual guide,\nI forbid you from calling her.", "Oh, yeah? What you gonna do?", "If you complete that call,\nI will set your coat on fire.", "You're bluffing.", "Hello, Robin, it's Ted.", "Ted, for the last time, stop...", "Ted?", "You set me on fire.", "Real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast.\nYou got robbed. This is a blend.", "You set me on fire!", "And who's the girl in my bed?", "There's a girl in your bed.", "And a pineapple! Am I the only one\nwho's curious about the pineapple?", "Who is she?\n- I have no idea.", "Nice.", "You really don't know who that is?", "No. After I hosed you down\nwith the beverage gun,", "I brought you back here.", "I better not have gotten burned.", "Did any of you write that?", "\"Hi, I'm Ted. If lost please call...\"", "Whose number is that?\n- I don't know.", "Dude, call it.", "Oh, hold on.\nI'm gonna make some popcorn.", "Okay, you can call now.\nGod, this is intense. I love it.", "CARL; Hello,\n- Hi. Who is this?", "You called me, Who's this?\n- It's Ted.", "It's Carl from the bar.", "And then Carl filled us in,", "Barney, you've always taken care of me.\nYou are a gentleman and a scholar!", "Go into my stable\nand take my finest stallion.", "He's yours. His name is Windjammer.", "Sleep it off, bro.", "I'm back, baby doll!", "And I am gonna throw up.", "I threw up? My streak is over.", "Vomit-free since '05 doesn't sound good.", "Sorry, Carl, go on.", "Carl?", "Did you know the word \"karaoke\"\nis Japanese for empty orchestra?", "Isn't that hauntingly beautiful?", "Are you a vampire?", "All right. I'm cutting you off.\nGo home and get some sleep, Ted.", "Yeah, sun's gonna come up soon.", "Wouldn't want to be around for that,\nwould we?", "Hey, how easy you think it would be\nto sneak into the zoo?", "I have to see some penguins,\nlike, right now.", "All right, give me your arm.\n- Okay.", "This way, if you pass out in the gutter...", "It tickles!", "Someone will call me,\nand I will come get you.", "Thanks, Carl.", "We can't just be friends!\nWe're attracted to each other.", "We both know it.\n- Excuse me?", "Me and Robin. Me and Robin.\nI have to make one more call.", "Yeah, this'll go good.", "Hey, it's me again.", "Look. Who are we kidding?\nYou and I are both attracted to each other.", "We're young. We're drunk.\nHalf of us, anyway.", "And we only get one life.", "So, why don't you come over\nto my apartment right now,", "and we'll think of something stupid\nto do together.", "Really? Great.", "Wait, really? Great.", "Thanks, Carl.", "It's Robin. That's Robin in there.", "Did you guys...", "Oh, come on.\nYou've gotta give me this one.", "Those five shots got you farther\nwith Robin than your brain ever did.", "See what happens when you don't think?\nYou do!", "More importantly, you do Robin. Come on!", "All right, right over here.", "But, still, what does this mean?\nAre we dating now?", "I mean,\nI never pictured it going down this way,", "but maybe that's how it had to happen.\nI mean, think about it.", "Someone get him a shot.\nHe's thinking again.", "Well, hold on, man. Maybe it's not\nsuch a bad idea to think about this one.", "You and Robin went down this road\nbefore. You got dinged up, really bad.", "You know who might have something\nto say about Ted's future with Robin?", "Robin. Go wake her up.", "Wake her up and say what?\n- Daddy's home.", "Good luck, buddy.", "Hello?\n- Ted, it's Robin.", "Are you sure?", "Hey, Robin. How are you?", "Ted, I think you and I\nshould have a talk...", "Is that Robin?\n- So, who's the girl in the bedroom?", "About those phone calls last night.\nI have no idea!", "Do you mind if I swing by?\n- Ask her about the pineapple!", "Yeah, sure. Come on over.\n- Thanks.", "No! Wait! Don't come.", "She's coming over. Crap!", "Wait, this is killing me.\nWe have to find out who that girl is.", "Trudy. My name is Trudy.", "And then Trudy filled us in,", "I'm just surprised\nyou didn't dump him sooner.", "I know. It's two years of my life\nI'm never getting back.", "A little part of me wants to\njust jump the bones of the next guy I see.", "Daddy's home.", "Or the one after that.", "Okay, fair enough.\nBut I've got to prove a point to a friend.", "So, you just gave me your number,\nand your name is Amy.", "Ladies.", "I love everyone in this bar!", "Look at that idiot go.", "He's kind of cute.", "What are you doing in the men's room?", "What am I doing in the ladies' room?", "Oh, right, I came in here\n'cause I thought I was gonna throw up.", "Did you?", "I did not.", "And the streak continues.\nVomit-free since '93.", "Sorry, Trudy. Go on.", "I liked your performance.", "What, the karaoke?", "I wish I had your guts.", "Getting up\nand making a complete idiot of myself.", "So do it.\n- I don't know.", "Still, I've had a pretty serious week.", "I could sure stand to do something stupid.", "I'm something stupid. Do me.", "You're funny.", "Hey, can I call you sometime?\n- Okay.", "Here, let me.", "Why do they call it \"karaoke,\" anyhow?", "Was it invented by a woman\nnamed Carrie Okie?", "These are the kinds of\nthings I think about.", "\"Karaoke\" is Japanese\nfor empty orchestra.", "Wow. That's hauntingly beautiful.", "Hey, it works.", "Then I guess you're gonna have to call me.", "I gotta make one more call.", "Hello?", "Hey, it's me again.", "Hey.", "Look. Who are we kidding?\nYou and I are both attracted to each other.", "We're young. We're drunk.\nHalf of us, anyway.", "And we only get one life.", "So I came over here.", "And now I'm really, really embarrassed.", "Damn it, Trudy!\nWhat about the pineapple?", "Sorry, sorry, sorry.", "Robin's here. Look,\nTrudy, I need you to hide in my bedroom.", "Why? Is that your girlfriend?", "No. That's not my girlfriend.\nLook, it's complicated.", "You're married.\nYeah, I can't believe I did this.", "No, no, no. I'm not married.\nI'll explain after you hide.", "Hello.\n- Hi.", "Hey, Robin. Top of the morning.\n- Hey, guys.", "Hey, Robin. Good sweater.", "Hey, Robin. Good sweater.", "Sorry I kept calling you like that.\nI was pretty drunk.", "Yeah, no kidding.\nThose calls were really weird.", "Look, Ted, maybe we need to talk.", "Let's go get a snack.\n- I love to snack.", "I'm good.", "Come on. Those calls weren't that weird.", "Robin! Come hang out!", "Okay, I'm gonna make this sound\ntill you come hang out,", "That goes on for three and a half minutes.", "Without a breath?\nThat's gotta be some kind of record.", "Ted, you can't do this. Please.", "We agreed to be friends,\nand now you're making it all confusing.", "No, I'm not. Look,\nI just turned off my brain for the night.", "Nothing's changed. You've moved on.\nI've moved on.", "Really? You've moved on?", "Yes. What, you don't believe me?", "Oh, okay.", "Trudy! Come on out.", "You are gonna laugh.", "Wait, you were with someone last night?\n- Yeah, Trudy. She's cool.", "Trudy, come on out.", "Yeah, seriously, it's okay.", "This is so Trudy. She's really shy.\nI think.", "Trudy?", "Hi, Trudy. I'm Robin.\nIt's nice to meet you.", "You're right, she's shy.", "I'm not making this up.\nShe must've climbed out the fire escape.", "Whatever. Whatever.\nI don't care what you think.", "Then why did you hide her from me?", "Wow, you're good.", "Anyone ever tell you\nyou should be on 60 Minutes?", "Yes, you did. Last night.\n- Really?", "Well.", "Get some sleep, Ted. You had a long night.", "And don't feel bad.\nI've woken up with worse.", "I left Trudy a message,\nBut she never called me back,", "That's just how life works sometimes,", "You turn off your brain for a night,", "and all you're left with the next day\nis a bad hangover, a sprained ankle", "and a pineapple,", "Oh, and we never found out\nwhere that pineapple came from,", "But it was delicious,"], "How I Met Your Mother S01E11 The Limo": ["Kids, the thing about\nNew Year's Eve is that it sucks.", "Sure it looks great on TV,", "But in reality,\nit's always just a big letdown,", "But in 2005,\nI attempted to do the impossible;", "to give my friends a great New Year's Eve,", "I had an idea of how to do it, too,", "and all it cost was\nhalf my Christmas bonus,", "Yeah, that's right. A limo.", "Oh, man, Ted, this is great.\n- Okay, people, let's talk strategy.", "Last New Year's,\nwe went our separate ways, and it sucked.", "This year, we party\ntogether, or not at all.", "Now, I sifted through\nyour party submissions,", "and I narrowed them down to these five.\n- Question.", "Yes, Barney,\nyour submissions were received,", "and no, we will not be attending\nany parties in your pants.", "But you enjoyed the e-vite, right?\nThat was an actual picture of my pants.", "Yeah.", "We will hit all five\nparties before midnight,", "and then narrow them down to one,", "the most awesome party\nin New York City,", "and that is where we will ring,\nnay, rock in the new year.", "All right, and party number one,\nthat's where we get to meet Marybeth?", "Marybeth?\n- Oh, she works in my office.", "She seems like she might be into me.", "She's always finding reasons to hug me.\nSo tonight, we'll see...", "People often ask me,\n\"Barney, how is it that you're so psyched", "\"so much of the time?\"\n- By who? Who asks you that?", "And the answer is right here.", "My own, personal, get-psyched mix.", "Now, people often think\na good mix should rise and fall,", "but people are wrong.\nIt should be all rise, baby.", "Now, prepare yourselves\nfor an audio journey", "into the white-hot center of adrenaline.", "Bam.", "It's working.\n- I'm definitely getting psyched.", "God. I'm reaching dangerous\nlevels of psychage.", "Must do robot.", "Let's do this!\n- Yes! Let's!", "Oh, driver?", "Hello!", "Hey, Ranjit!", "Dude, you're driving a limo now.\nThat's awesome.", "I've moved up in the world.", "How do you guys know each other?", "Oh, we rode in his cab one time.\nIt's a long story.", "Hey, what are we waiting for?", "We got five parties to hit,\nand three hours to do it.", "Oh, I wish I could come with you guys,", "but Derek should be coming by\nany minute to pick me up.", "Oh, yeah, Robin was spending\nNew Year's with her boyfriend Derek,", "Derek, He was, like, rich,\nsuccessful, handsome,", "I hated that guy,", "Oh, I'll miss you guys. Have fun.", "Bye.\n- Happy New Year.", "Bye.\n- Here we go.", "Oh, this kind of sucks.\n- Okay, nobody get down.", "We knew this going in.\nWe're a man down.", "That just means were gonna have to party\nthat much harder.", "Ranjit. Party number one.", "Party number one!\n- Party number one!", "I can't believe we're leaving a party\nthat had pigs in blankets.", "If you think we can beat that,\nyou got some brass ones.", "Hey, we've got four more parties to hit.", "If party number one turns out to be\nthe best, we'll just limo on back to it.", "We didn't really get a chance to meet.\nI'm Lily, and this is my fianc\u00c3\u00a9, Marshall.", "Hi. Marybeth.\nIt's so great to meet you guys.", "Oh, well, my word.\n- Oh, hey. Well, you're friendly.", "Hello, American party friends of Barney's.", "Oh, no.\n- So, Barney, who's your new friend?", "Natalya.\n- Oh, friendly.", "So, where are you from, Natalya?\n- She... Who knows?", "The former\nSoviet Republic of Drunk-off-her-ass-istan?", "Super drunk fantastic, huh?", "Isn't she awesome?", "How are your feet doing, baby?\n- Oh, okay.", "I love these shoes, but\nthe pain-to-hotness ratio is pretty steep.", "Can we swing by the apartment\nso I can change?", "Come on, Lily.\nWe have a tightly scheduled evening", "of awesomeness ahead of us.\nI need you to power through the pain.", "Okay, Ted, but these dogs\nare really barking.", "It's true. I can hear them.\nWhat's that, little boys? What's that?", "You wanna go for a rock?", "Ranjit, party number two!\n- Party number two!", "Party number two, not so good.\n- No, let's go back to party number one.", "No, no turning back.\nRanjit, party number three.", "Party number three!\n- Yeah!", "Oh, wait, wait, wait!\nWe have to turn around. We left Natalya.", "Barney, none of us really liked her.\n- What?", "Sorry.\n- Oh, very nice, Lily.", "You know, she is a guest in this country.", "So, while you may choose\nto turn your back on her,", "I choose to turn my front on her. What up.", "I'm sorry about Barney.\n- No, I'm having a great time.", "I'm really glad\nthat you asked me out tonight.", "Me, too. Just a sec.", "Hey, Robin.\n- Ted, Derek stood me up.", "Derek, Now we had\na tight schedule to keep that night,", "and I was already on a date\nwith another girl,", "But it was Robin,", "Ranjit, turn it around.", "Hi. Oh, God, I am so sorry about this.", "You guys had your schedule,\nand I screwed it all up.", "No. This is perfect. It's meant to be.\nWe're all back together.", "What happened?", "Oh, Derek's stuck in Connecticut\nclosing some deal.", "Who works on New Year's Eve?", "Okay, now I feel worse.", "I was really looking forward to this night.\nThis sucks.", "Oh, dude, not now!\n- What? She needs to get psyched!", "Barney!\n- Fine.", "Maybe I should just go home.", "Barney!", "My finger slipped.", "Look, Robin. You're not going home.\nCome on, it's New Year's Eve.", "Look, so your date fell through, so what?\nWhat do you need a date for?", "Someone to kiss at midnight? Fine. I'll\nkiss you at a little bit after midnight.", "Hi, I'm Robin.\n- Marybeth.", "Oh, wow, you're friendly.", "I haven't eaten dinner yet.\nIs there anything to eat in this thing?", "That's it. I know what you're jonesing for.", "Ranjit, take us to Gray's Papaya.\n- Oh, yes, Ted, you rock.", "We couldn't\ngo back for Natalya, a human being,", "but we do have time for hot dogs?\n- Yeah, we like hot dogs.", "No. No! We are already behind schedule.", "Ted, come on, we have\nan hour-and-a-half before midnight,", "and I don't wanna be kissing Ranjit.\n- You don't know what you're missing.", "Come on. It's only a 20-minute detour.\n- Which is exactly how much time I need.", "Ranjit, stop the car.\n- Stopping the car.", "Wait, baby, what are you doing?\n- No, I'm going home.", "What? No!\n- No, you can't, Lily!", "I can't stay in these heels any longer,\nI just can't.", "There's a cab over there,", "I'll just run back to the apartment\nand change shoes.", "But hot dogs.", "Oh, I know, baby, I'd love to go,\nbut it's two against one.", "Okay, I'll go with you.\n- No, baby.", "Baby, you go with them,\nand I'll meet you at party number three.", "Are you sure?\n- If I don't see you, Happy New...", "Don't say that. We'll find each other.", "We'll find each other.\n- I know we will.", "Bye, Lil.", "Bye.\n- Bye.", "Hell of a woman.", "Let's go get some hot dogs!", "Ranjit, party number three.\n- Party number three.", "Oh yeah!\n- Look at us, riding around in a limo,", "eating hot dogs.\nIt's like we're the President.", "Hey, I bet you're feeling better now.\n- Oh, so much better.", "Guys, is that Moby?", "I think that that's Moby.", "Now, kids, Moby was\na popular recording artist", "when I was young,", "No way.\n- That's totally Moby. That's awesome.", "Should I say something?\nI should say something, right?", "Moby. Hey, Moby!", "Oh, my God, he's coming over.\nEverybody be cool. Everybody be cool.", "Hey.\n- Hello.", "What's up? You going somewhere?", "Yeah, I'm just going\nto this party downtown.", "You want a ride?", "Sure.", "Welcome.", "Wow. You're friendly.\n- Big fan.", "I'm Barney Stinson.", "So, what about this party?", "Oh, it's just a New Year's thing\nwith some friends.", "Wow. That sounds awesome.", "You guys wanna come?\n- Yeah, we'd love to.", "All right.\n- Ted.", "Sidebar.\n- Moby, switch up, will you?", "Yeah, what's up?", "What about Lily?\n- Call her.", "I've been trying to call her.\nI can't get through.", "All the circuits are jammed.\n- That's New Year's Eve for you.", "Well, look, we'll just swing by\nMoby's party, and then, afterwards...", "No, I can't. Lily's waiting.\nI gotta find her.", "Okay, I'll meet you at party number three.\n- But... Come on. Moby's party.", "Moby's party. Moby's...", "Ranjit, Moby's party.\n- Moby's party.", "This is a cool mix.", "You know, people think\na great mix has to rise and fall.", "I think it should be all rise.\n- Yes. Moby.", "Yeah, it should start high, get higher.\nThis mix is my pride and joy.", "I never leave home without it.\n- That's how I feel about Janice here.", "So, then I said, your motorcycle\nwas like that when I got here.", "You're not Moby, are you?\n- Who?", "Moby. The recording artist, Moby.\n- No.", "But when we said, \"Hey, Moby,\"\nyou said, \"Yeah.\"", "I thought you said, \"Tony.\"", "So, your name is Tony?\n- No.", "Oh, hey, we're here. All right.\nYou guys gonna come in?", "No.\n- You sure?", "Come on, it's gonna get nuts in there.\nIt's this dude who owes me money.", "No, we're good. We're good.", "Happy New Year, Not Moby.", "Oh, hey, hey. Be safe.", "Why did we think that guy was Moby?\n- I don't know.", "I see a short, bald hipster,\nmy mind goes straight to Moby.", "That's Marshall's phone.", "Hey...", "Hello.\n- Oh, Marshall. Thank God I got through!", "Hey, sexy.\n- Barney, where's Marshall?", "He left his phone in the limo.\nHe's out looking for you.", "What? Where?\n- Party number three.", "Well, I'm here at party number three and...", "Oh, my God,\nguess who just walked in? Moby.", "Moby? She's upstairs.", "Lily, you have to get out of there\nthis instant. That's not Moby!", "Oh, no, I know Moby, and that's...\nDoes he have a gun?", "Run!", "Oh, my God.\nNot Moby's party is party number four.", "What are the odds?", "Who was that guy?", "Well, we know it's not Moby,\nand it's not Tony.", "Ranjit! Drive!\n- Where to?", "Party number three!\n- Party number three!", "Party number three.", "No, but I was just at party number three.", "No, no, no. You were at party number four.\nYou must have looked at the list wrong.", "Well, after that\nrather unpsyching experience,", "you know what it's time for?", "It's time to, what? That's right. Re-psych.", "Re...", "Where's the...", "Oh, my God, Not Moby took my\nget-psyched mix!", "Barney, Barney, what the hell!\nBarney, it's not worth it. Let it go.", "We need to get back on schedule.", "Oh, nuts.", "Ranjit, you sure I can't help?", "No. I am pissed.\nTed, I don't want you to see me pissed.", "Okay.", "Okay, not a problem.\nHe'll jack it up, slap on a tire,", "we'll be at party number three in no time.", "I wish Marshall would call.\nGuess the circuits are jammed.", "Yeah, you know\nwhy all the circuits are jammed?", "'Cause everyone's calling their loved ones.\nEveryone around the world.", "Everyone except Barney.", "Oh, sure. Laugh. Laugh for Barney Stinson.", "Laugh for the sad clown", "trapped on his whirling carousel of suits,\nand cigars,", "and bimbos, and booze.\nRound and round it goes.", "And where's it all heading? Nowhere.", "Is this just 'cause\nyou lost your get-psyched mix?", "I'm sorry.\nAm I not allowed to have a pensive side?", "No. No, not tonight. Not in the limo.\nWe gotta stay psyched.", "Ted went to a lot of trouble\nto make this an awesome New Year's.", "I'm gonna get some air.", "It'll be fine, we'll be\nout of here in a jiff.", "Ted, I'm gonna head out.", "My roommates are having a party\nnot far from here.", "What? No!", "Look, I know this night isn't turning out\nthe way I planned, but we...", "How long have you been in love\nwith Robin?", "I'm not in love... We're just friends.\nWhere are you getting that from?", "Ted, it's okay. I'm fine.", "And I can tell that she's into you, too.\n- That's ridiculous.", "Wait, really?\n- Happy New Year, Ted.", "I can't believe\nMarybeth left before midnight.", "Oh, she just had to make an appearance\nat this other party.", "It's no big deal.", "The first time I rode\nin a limo, I was five.", "I was on the way\nto my grandfather's funeral.", "I suppose, in a way, I still am.", "Okay, wow, it's getting weird in here.\nI'm gonna call Marshall.", "But he left his phone.\n- Marshall!", "Marshall!", "I'm sorry about your girl.\n- Sorry about your guy.", "Well, at least we both have someone\nto kiss at midnight.", "Did you forget about our little deal?\nBecause I did not.", "I did not, too.", "Derek. Hi, how's work?", "Give you some privacy.", "Marshall!", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "Marshall!", "Okay, how's this for a plan?", "We start walking now,\nwe get to party number three by 12:45,", "we celebrate the new year\nin Central Standard time.", "Marshall!", "Give it a rest, Ted.\n- Give what a rest?", "Trying to turn this night\ninto anything more than what it is,", "which is New Year's Eve,", "which is the single biggest letdown\nof a night, every single year.", "Marshall!\n- Come on! Come on,", "we can still turn this thing around.\nWe've still got 10 minutes.", "Stop trying to chase down\nsome magical, perfect New Year's, Ted.", "It doesn't exist.", "Marshall!\n- Lily!", "Holy crap.\n- Marshall!", "I knew I'd catch up\nwith you guys eventually.", "So much to tell. I couldn't find Lily\nat party number three, so I walked.", "I walked to the next party on the list.", "Not Moby's party?\n- Yes, Moby's party.", "Check it out, he signed my shirt.", "And guess what I found?", "Yeah, I heard it playing at the party,\nso I swiped it.", "I know. I know. Come on.\n- Come on.", "Marshall.", "Baby, baby. I was so worried about you.\nWhy didn't you call me?", "I tried, baby, all the circuits are jammed.\nBut, wait, there's more.", "After party number four, I figured\nyou guys went to party number five.", "And so I went there, too,\nand it is awesome!", "I wanna cry. It is so awesome.", "We have to go there.\n- How? We'll never get a cab.", "The flat's fixed.", "Let's do this! Come on! In! Go, go, go!", "Go, go, go!\n- Natalya?", "Yeah, it turns out she was asleep\nin the front seat the whole time.", "Ranjit, why didn't you tell me?\n- I didn't want to wake her.", "She looked so peaceful.", "Party number five is 20 blocks away\nand all the way across town.", "Ranjit, can you get us there\nin eight minutes?", "I'll get you there in six.", "I don't think I can do it.", "No, come on.\n- No, come on.", "Move, you stupid taxi!\n- Move...", "Three minutes! Come on!\n- Come on!", "Ranjit, put her in park.", "Dudes, I'm sure\nparty number five is awesome.", "But it's not the best party in New York,\n'cause this is.", "Right here.", "Cheers.", "Cheers.\n- Cheers.", "And just like that, we were\nhaving the perfect New Year's Eve,", "Funny thing is, all night long\nI'd been trying to chase something down", "that was right there in that limo,", "Derek? Derek.", "Hey.\n- Hey. Come on in.", "Robin.", "I cut my meeting short\nbecause I wanted to see you at midnight.", "I can't believe you made it.\n- I made it, baby.", "I super love you, okay?", "Here, you need a mint.", "Eight, seven,", "six, five, four,", "three, two, one!", "Happy New Year!", "You probably wanna feel bad for your\nold man at this point in the story,", "Well, don't,\nNot every night has a happy ending,", "But all of it's important,\nAll of it was leading somewhere,", "Because suddenly, it was 2006,", "And 2006 was a big one,", "Ted.", "What the hell, man?\nI thought we had a deal.", "What about your guy? It's midnight.\nGo kiss him.", "He kept me waiting.\nI can keep him waiting.", "Well, a deal is a deal.", "Happy New Year.", "Happy New Year."], "How I Met Your Mother S01E12 The Wedding": ["When you're single,\nand your friends start to get married,", "every wedding invitation presents\na strange moment of self-evaluation,", "Will you be bringing a guest\nor will you be attending alone?", "What it's really asking is,", "where do you see yourself\nin three months?", "Sitting next to your girlfriend,\nor hitting on a bridesmaid?", "I always checked\nthat I was bringing a guest,", "I was an optimist,", "Who the hell am I gonna bring\nto this wedding?", "Ted, have you ignored all of my teachings?", "For the most part, yeah.", "You don't bring a date to a wedding.", "That's like bringing a deer carcass\non a hunting trip. Oh, Ted. Oh, Ted.", "No, no date!", "Deer carcass, really? That's the metaphor\nyou're going with here?", "Ted, it's a simile.", "Well, it's too late now.", "If I don't bring a date, a $200 piece\nof chicken/salmon will go uneaten.", "I gotta bring someone, but who?", "Of course I knew who I wanted to bring,", "Robin, The big unanswered question\nin my life,", "Problem was, she was dating\nthis really rich guy named Derek,", "Derek!", "Well, Derek and I just broke up.", "No, that's terrible. Are you okay?", "Yeah, do you need a drink or something?\n- No. We never really clicked.", "I felt bad though. He was pretty bummed.", "Don't beat yourself up. He'll be fine.", "I mean, the guy's, like, a billionaire.", "He can put his platinum card\non a fishing line", "and reel in 10 chicks hotter than you.", "Thanks. I feel a lot better.", "I think I'll get that drink now.", "Okay, guys. I gotta say something.", "I think my feelings for Robin\nmay be resurfacing.", "Oh, please.\nThey were buried in a shallow grave.", "Not again.", "Come on. Dude, we all know\nhow this movie ends.", "Ted falls in love.\nLove kicks Ted in the sprouts.", "Roll credits.", "No! You guys just have to look\nat the whole picture.", "Fact. Robin was into me\nwhen we first met.", "Fact, Even though\nshe didn't want a relationship,", "we had an amazing kiss on the roof,", "Fact, On New Year's Eve, we kissed again,", "Fact. I need a date to this wedding.\nWish me luck.", "What I don't get is\nwhy is Claudia marrying Stuart?", "She's way hotter than him. How way?", "Way way.", "This wedding does sound\npretty amazing though.", "Fancy hotel ballroom.", "Everybody all dressed up.", "Here we go.\n- What?", "We can't get anywhere\nwith our wedding plans", "because I want it to be fun\nand Marshall wants it to be lame.", "Yeah, okay, that's a pretty fair\nassessment of our two arguments.", "I thought so.", "You know what, excuse me", "if I don't wanna get married\nbarefoot in the woods next to", "Lake No One's Gonna Drive That Far.", "Yes, I want a ballroom.", "And I want a band. And I want shoes.", "I've been dreaming about this day,\nsince I was, like...", "A little girl?", "What up?", "Okay, I'm just saying\nthat it's my wedding, too,", "and I should have a say in it.", "Yes, but I'm the bride, so I win.", "Well, I thought marriage was about\ntwo equal partners sharing a life together.", "Right, but I'm the bride, so I win.", "I mean, seriously. Claudia and Stuart?", "I mean, I've hooked up with the odd lass", "who was beneath\nmy level of attractiveness.", "But, you know, I was drunk.", "There's no way Claudia\nhas been drunk for three years.", "You know, I've always found", "that the best way\nto get over a failed relationship", "is to celebrate someone else's\nsuccessful one.", "Makes sense.", "So, with that in mind,", "our friends Claudia and Stuart are having\nthis crazy black tie wedding on Saturday.", "You wanna be my plus one?", "Plus one. You make it sound so romantic.", "Fine.", "You wanna be my date?", "Your date?", "I'd love to.", "How fancy are we talking about here?", "You're gonna wanna bring your \"A\" game.\n- I'll bring it.", "I'll bring it so hard the bride's gonna\nlook like a big white bag of crap.", "Lily, I need a dress.", "You're going? That's awesome!", "Oh, my God, four days to find a dress?", "I know. It's a suicide mission.", "Well, if we leave now", "we can still have a fighting chance.\n- Let's do it.", "Bye, babe.", "Did you see how fired up she was?", "I don't know, there's something there.", "And come Saturday, little music,\nlittle dancing, a lot of champagne.", "Who knows?", "Ted, you're gonna have to find\nanother gender for yourself", "'cause I'm revoking\nyour dude membership.", "Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?", "Invigorating, thanks.", "Okay, I wasn't going to say it\nin front of the guys,", "Okay, I wasn't going to say it\nin front of the guys,", "but back then\nI really thought that's how it worked,", "You put yourself and a girl you like\nin some romantic setting,", "The stars line up,", "and shazam!", "I know now that life is never that simple,", "Hey, Claudia!", "Yes, I want Tahitian vanilla!\nYou wrote it down wrong?", "No, no, no! Listen to me.", "If I go to my wedding and the cake\nis not Tahitian vanilla,", "I will come down there and burn\nyour little shop to the ground.", "Do you wanna find out if I'm kidding?\nYeah, goodbye.", "Hey!", "How's it going?", "My wedding is in two days,\nthat's how it's going.", "Don't worry. It's gonna be great.\nI'm so excited.", "You should be. Lots of single girls.", "Well, yeah, I'm bringing a date.", "So I'll be off the market.\n- What?", "I'm bringing a date.", "You're not bringing a date.", "Yes, I am.", "No, you're not.", "I checked plus one.\n- No, you didn't.", "Claudia, I'm pretty sure I checked...", "Ted! You did not check plus one!", "You are not bringing a date\nto my wedding!", "But I already invited someone.", "You are not bringing a guest, Ted.", "The guest list has been closed\nfor months. Months.", "But I checked plus one.\nI always check plus one.", "You absolutely did not check plus one.", "If you had checked plus one,\nI'd have called you", "to get the name of your guest,\nso I could have the place cards printed up.", "Did I call you to get the name\nof your guest?", "Is there a place card\nwith her name printed on it?", "She doesn't need a place card.\nShe knows her name.", "What's she eating?", "You ordered the chicken.\nWhat did she order?", "Do you see how your story is full of holes?", "Come on, Claudia. We go way back.", "Isn't there room for just one more person?", "Don't make me hurt you, Ted.", "I don't believe this. Claudia's crazy.", "But to be fair, she's also hot.", "I totally checked plus one. I'm sure I did.", "Yeah, right.\n- I did!", "Yeah, I don't think you did.\nYou know why?", "Because deep down, you didn't want\nto show up at this thing with a date.", "See, for all your big talk about\nbeing ready for a relationship,", "deep down you're single.", "It's your default setting.", "Ted, you know what's\nin the back of your brain?", "Great, here comes\nthe little Barney speech.", "Behind a curtain, in a dark little room,", "secretly controlling your every move...", "A little Barney.\n- A little Barney.", "A little Barney.", "And you know what he said?", "\"Ted, you will bring no date\nto this wedding.", "\"You will hit on drunk bridesmaids\nwith actual size Barney.\"", "Wow, please stop.", "I gotta call Claudia.\nIf I just explain to her...", "Ted, no. Let it go.", "She's about to get married.\nShe's got enough to worry about.", "Then what am I gonna do?", "The only thing you can do.\nTell Robin she can't come.", "Just a second.", "Hey.", "Listen...\n- Wait, two things. First of all,", "I've been laying groundwork all afternoon.", "Totally subtle. Totally cool. Not pushing.\nNot even nudging.", "Just, the theme of today is, \"Ted rocks!\"", "And she's picking up\nwhat I'm laying down.", "Lily, there's a problem...\n- Wait, no. Thing number two,", "the dress. We got a dress.", "Go.", "Well, did I bring it,", "or did I bring it? I think I brought it.", "Wow!\n- That's what I was going for.", "I'm so excited about tomorrow.\nWe're gonna have so much fun.", "Yeah, about that...", "I'll pick you up at 5:00.", "So, the dress?", "I don't have a plus one for the wedding.\n- What?", "I ran into Claudia and she told me\nI didn't check plus one on the reply card.", "Why didn't you check plus...\n- I did check plus one.", "But Robin is so excited.\n- I know.", "And the dress.\n- I know.", "Okay, okay. We'll sneak her in.", "We can't sneak her in. We're not ninjas.", "I wish we were ninjas.\n- I know.", "You could always ask Stuart.", "Can I do that?\n- Well, sure.", "You guys have been friends\nfor a long time.", "And it's 40% his wedding, too.", "I don't know. It's gonna be a tough sell.", "Dude, no problem whatsoever.\n- Really?", "Sure, the more the merrier.", "Wow! Wow, thanks for being\nso cool about this.", "'Cause you know, Claudia said...", "Yeah, yeah, yeah.\nThis morning at the rehearsal,", "Claudia called our 7-year-old\nflower girl a whore.", "So don't take it personally,\nshe's just a little stressed.", "Yeah, she's not usually like that.\n- No.", "Well, thanks, Stu.\nIt's gonna be a great wedding.", "Honey, this magazine says\nmore and more couples", "are opting to have non-traditional\nweddings out in the woods.", "Well, if a magazine says so, we should\ngo get married in the woods,", "like a couple of squirrels.", "Squirrels don't get married, Marshall.", "Like you could possibly know that.", "I did it. I did it.\nI'm taking her to the wedding.", "Nice.\n- What? How?", "I talked to Stuart.", "You went around the bride.", "This hornet's nest looks harmless.", "Maybe I'll poke it with a stick.", "Look, some gremlins.\nLet me go feed them after midnight.", "Did you know about this?", "It may have been my idea.", "What? Stuart doesn't get a say?", "So you admit it.\nThe groom should have an equal say.", "Oh, yeah, sure.", "On the stupid stuff, like who comes.", "So I can invite whoever I want?", "Sure. There's plenty of room in the woods.", "It's Claudia.\n- So it begins.", "Come on. It can't be that bad.", "Here, Lily, you answer it.", "What? Why?", "Because this whole thing was your idea.\nAnd Claudia scares me.", "But you're the guy...", "Ted's phone.", "Hi, Claudia.", "What?", "Now, I wasn't there, but from what\nI heard, it went something like this,", "By the way, honey, Ted stopped by", "and I told him he could bring his date\nto the wedding.", "You what?", "I told him he could bring\na date to the wedding.", "Just tell me, instead of\nalways undermining me at every turn.", "Try to show a little flexibility.\nBut no. It's all about you.", "And your mother. Calling me all the time...", "You know what? The wedding's off.", "They broke up.", "It's not because of me, is it?", "And my dad already paid\nfor this huge wedding.", "He's gonna kill me.", "Then he's gonna kill Ted.", "Then I'm gonna kill Ted.", "It's Robin.\n- Answer it.", "Lily's phone.\n- Ted? Where's Lily?", "I need to tell her about\nthese awesome shoes I just bought.", "Lily's busy.", "Okay. Well, I just wanted to say\nthey're gorgeous", "and Ted's gonna love them.", "That's great. I'll tell Lily to tell me.", "Listen. I really wanna keep talking\nbut now's not a good time.", "So, I'm really excited\nabout tomorrow, okay, bye.", "Okay, bye.\n- Crap.", "She bought some expensive shoes.", "She's really looking forward to this.", "Do you think she's into me?\n- Ted, focus.", "Okay, okay, sweetie.", "Just calm down.\nDo you wanna go somewhere and talk?", "I wanna go somewhere and drink.", "Okay. Meet me at MacLaren's.\nI'll see you there.", "I feel terrible.\n- Well, feel terrible later.", "Right now we gotta fix this.", "Lily, you go down to the bar\nand comfort Claudia.", "Ted and I'll go and try to talk\nsome sense into Stuart.", "Tell Claudia I'm sorry.", "Did she seem pissed at me?", "She said if there's no wedding tomorrow,\nyou owe her father $400,000.", "What say we get these crazy kids\nback together.", "Hi, sad eyes. What's got you down?", "Stuart and I just broke up.", "Oh, God, I'm so sorry.", "That's just... That's...\nTwo vodka cranberries, please.", "You remembered\nI drink vodka cranberries.", "Remember?", "When it comes to you, how can I forget?", "They all drink vodka cranberries.", "So, is there anything else\nyou need, sweetie?", "You got $400,000?", "No. But I do have a hug.", "Thank you.", "Stuart, I don't know what to say.", "If I caused this in any way...\n- Ted, for all I know you did me", "the biggest favor anyone's ever done me.", "Come on, man, you don't mean that.\n- No, I do.", "This whole thing's made me realize\nI miss being single.", "I miss staying out late and making\nmesses and not cleaning them up.", "I miss owning porn!\n- Dude, who doesn't?", "And, you know, I'll see some\nsuper hot model chick and I'll think,", "\"Why am I with Claudia?\nI could be with her.\"", "That's just crazy.", "I mean, you're the luckiest...", "You and Claudia both are the luckiest.", "The point is, I wanna get married.\nI want to settle down.", "But right now, that's just not who I am.\nI'm not a commitment guy.", "I'm a single guy.", "Stuart, you don't have\nto be one or the other.", "Everybody feels this way sometimes.", "Relationships aren't easy.\nThey're hard work.", "It's about compromise, growing together,\nall that Dr. Phil crap.", "Yeah, how would you know?\nYou're not even married.", "Okay, ask this guy.\nNine years he's been with Lily.", "He's the pro.\nThis guy knows relationships.", "Tell him, Marshall.", "Stuart, don't get married.", "What?\n- Dude!", "Look, I'm sorry.", "Being in a couple is hard and committing,", "making sacrifices, it's hard.", "But if it's the right\nperson, then it's easy.", "Looking at that girl and knowing\nshe's all you really want out of life,", "that should be the easiest thing\nin the world.", "And if it's not like that,", "then she's not the one.", "I'm sorry.", "You know I don't have $400,000, right?", "Maybe we got together too young.", "Maybe that's what the problem was.", "I mean, I'm 28 years old,", "and I've really only ever been\nwith one man.", "That's just... That's...", "Two more vodka cranberries, please.", "Claudia, it's all gonna be okay.", "Thanks for listening, Barney.", "It really means a lot to me.", "Isn't it weird that we should\nrun into each other like this?", "Two souls", "of equal levels of attractiveness.", "Both fitting together like\ntwo pieces of a very attractive puzzle.", "Oh, hell no!", "Claudia is getting married tomorrow,", "and, so help me God, if I catch you", "even so much as breathing\nthe same air as her,", "I will take those peanuts\nyou're trying to pass off as testicles", "and I will squeeze them so hard\nyour eyes pop out,", "and then I'll feed them to you like grapes.", "Wait. My eyes or my testicles?", "One of each.", "All right. All right.", "Claudia.", "Stuart!", "I'm so sorry.\n- I'm so sorry, too.", "I love you.\n- I love you, too, babe.", "Marshall and Ted set me straight.", "And when Marshall told me\nnot to marry you it made me realize I...", "Marshall said what?\n- No, no, no...", "It's more complicated than that.", "No, he made me realize\nhow much I love you.", "These guys got us back together.", "Okay, I'm cool. I'm cool.", "So, where'd we land on\nthe whole plus one thing?", "No, no, no, no. No.", "It took three more vodka cranberries\nto subdue Claudia,", "But eventually she graciously\nagreed to let me bring Robin,", "Still wow.", "Wow yourself. Look who else brought it.", "Oh, yeah.", "I thought about leaving it at home,\nbut I figured, I don't want to get there", "and realize I need it and have to go\nall the way back to get it.", "So, yeah, I brought it.", "Sorry.", "Hello?", "Oh, my God, tonight?", "You're kidding.", "They want me to anchor the news tonight.", "Really?", "Like, anchor anchor?", "Well, what happened to Sandy?", "Okay.", "Okay. Sure. What time do you\nneed me to... Right now?", "Do it.", "Do it.", "Okay, I need, like, five minutes to change,", "and I'll call you from the cab...", "So admit it.", "This wedding is both indoors and amazing.", "I'll give you the crab puffs.\nThe crab puffs are good.", "The crab puffs were incredible.", "We should totally have them\nat our wedding.", "Definitely.", "We just agreed on something.", "Did we just start planning our wedding?\n- I think that we did.", "We totally have to get\nthat brown dipping sauce.", "I think the red sauce was, like, awesome.", "My God, were you born\nwithout taste buds?", "What?", "I love you.", "Coming up, are there snakes\nliving in your walls?", "The answer may surprise you.\nAfter the break.", "Man, you know something,\nStuart's my new hero.", "If that dude can bag a nine,", "I gotta be able to bag, like, a 16.", "What's a 16?", "Those two eights right over there. Yeah.", "Hi, Ted.\n- Claudia.", "We just wanted to get a picture", "with the woman who almost\nended our relationship.", "Yeah, where is she?", "She couldn't make it.", "What's so funny?\n- Plan a wedding. You'll see.", "Look at that.", "That's how it's supposed to be.\nThat right there.", "Easy. Simple.", "It's just not like that with Robin.", "It's not easy, and on some level,", "it has to just be easy.", "Speaking of easy, bridesmaids, Ted.\nBridesmaids.", "By the way, I almost forgot. We found this.", "I didn't check plus one.", "You were right.", "Of course I was right.", "I'm single.", "Maybe that's just who I am.\nAnd you know what?", "I like being single.\n- Being single's the best.", "Yeah! Stay out as late as you want.\n- Answer to no one.", "The whole world\nfull of endless possibilities.", "Never having to go to a farmer's market.", "Okay, doing some math here.", "Table six has got three bridesmaids.", "An eight, an eight, and a seven.", "I am willing to give you one of the eights,", "lowering myself to a fifteen.", "Which means, you owe me...", "So there we were, Two single guys", "doing our usual single guy thing,", "For whatever reason,\nI had let myself believe", "that this night would be a turning point,", "That this was the night my life,\nmy real life, would finally begin,", "The funny thing is, I wasn't totally wrong,", "Because that night was just beginning,"], "How I Met Your Mother S01E13 Drumroll, Please": ["Kids, in life there are a lot of\nbig romantic moments,", "and they make life worth living,", "But here's the problem,", "Moments pass,", "And lurking just around the corner\nfrom those moments", "is a cruel, unshaven bastard named reality,", "And so, back in 2006,", "on the night of\nClaudia and Stuart's wedding,", "reality was the enemy,", "Wow, the Peace Corps?", "Yeah, I ship out tomorrow. Two years.", "You know, some people say", "the Peace Corps is the most noble thing\na person can do.", "To those people I say, \"Is it?\"", "And usually, they say, \"Yes, it is.\"", "But, Barney, they are so right.", "Wish there was something I could do.", "Oh, Tanya, I'm so glad you said that.", "This wasn't how I'd thought\nthe night would turn out,", "This was finally supposed to be\nmy big moment with Robin,", "but then reality came along,", "Robin got called up last minute\nto anchor the 11.00 news,", "It was her big break,", "And I went to the wedding stag,", "Then, when I least expected it...", "Hey, where the hell\ndid you disappear to last night?", "I had the most amazing night ever.", "Tell me about it.\nThat cake! Best cake I ever had.", "Seriously. My stomach was like,", "\"Hey, bro, I don't know what you're eating,\n'cause I don't have any eyes,", "\"but it's basically awesome.\nSo keep sending it down gullet alley.\"", "Yeah, I know. My stomach was like,", "\"Girlfriend, we don't always get along,\nbut that cake...\"", "Lily?", "Oh, right.\nMost amazing night ever, and go.", "You know, I should tell you, I have a rule.", "I never hook up at weddings.", "I'm guessing\nyou haven't always had this rule.", "Well, here's the thing.\nThose big, romantic moments,", "they're great when they happen,\nbut they're not real.", "Exactly. Exactly. Like just now,", "when I saw you\ndoing the Chicken Dance out there,", "I'm not gonna lie to you,\nbig time thunderbolt.", "You should see me tap dance.\nYou'd be down on bended knee.", "Sadly, not out of character.", "But, I know now, it's just a mirage.", "Wedding goggles.\n- Exactly.", "And that, in a nutshell,\nis why I'm not putting the moves on you.", "This isn't the moves?\n- What, you... You think this is the moves?", "Believe me, you'd know the moves.", "People 10 tables away\nwould know the moves.", "That's too bad.\n- Tell me about it.", "You know, I think I have a solution.", "Interested.", "And to preface this,\nwe're not gonna sleep together tonight.", "Less interested.", "Go ahead.\n- Okay.", "So the thing that always screws it up\nis the next day. Right?", "So, why don't we just cut that part out?", "What are you saying?\n- I'm saying, I'm here, you're here.", "This is a big, romantic wedding.", "Why don't we just dance\nand have a great time?", "And then when it's over,\nnever see each other again.", "Unless...\n- No, no unless.", "No emails, no phone numbers,\nnot even names.", "Tonight, we will make a memory\nthat will never be tarnished.", "And then, when we're old and gray,", "we'll look back on this night,", "and it'll be perfect.", "Wow.", "Okay, I'm in.\n- Okay.", "I guess... What, we'll need fake names?", "You can call me Buttercup.", "Pleased to meet you, Buttercup.\nI'm Lando Calrissian.", "Wow, this is kind of exciting.\nOur names will forever be shrouded in...", "Ted, Ted, Ted, look. I got a bridesmaid.", "Ted, look. Look, Ted.\nThe second hottest bridesmaid!", "Ted, look. See you, Ted.", "So, I'm Ted.", "Victoria.", "But no last names.\n- No last names.", "What is wrong with you?", "Yeah, dude, that is just like\na weenie ass idea.", "No, it was awesome. I had a great night.", "I'm never going to see her again.\nAnd there's no way to ruin it.", "Ted, how do I explain this to you?", "Last night I ate the best cake of my life.", "Now you think I'm gonna let that cake\nout of my life? Hell, no.", "I'm gonna find out\nwhat bakery made that cake,", "and damn it,\nI'm gonna get some more cake.", "That cake really got to you, huh?", "It haunts me.", "So, what happened next?", "Okay, ground rules have been established.", "Now, let's see some of these moves\nI've heard so much about.", "Wait, wait, wait.", "Let's do all the single ladies in this\njoint a big favor and steal the bouquet.", "Yes, but we'll need a diversion.", "Kiss!", "Kiss! Kiss!", "Kiss, come on. Kiss! Kiss!", "Go, go, go.", "So, that's what happened to the bouquet.", "You know, good for Victoria.\nIt's such an evil tradition.", "You're not gonna do it at your wedding?\n- Oh, yeah!", "I'm gonna take that flower grenade\nand chuck it into the crowd and scream,", "\"Crawl for it, bitches!\"", "It's just what girls do.", "So, where'd you guys go?", "Very nice.\n- Yeah?", "Okay, I don't really know\nhow to tap dance.", "I couldn't tell.", "Oh, it's too bad\nyou're not gonna get some tonight!", "Oh, if I wanted some, I could get some.", "No, you couldn't.", "You're a dude.", "I could get some.\n- You could totally get some.", "We're not gonna kiss tonight.", "I mean, if we kiss, all\nof this becomes real.", "You might use too much tongue,\nI might not use enough.", "And then suddenly, poof, spell's broken.", "I will use exactly the right amount\nof tongue.", "Okay, how about this?", "The best part of any first kiss\nis the lead up to it.", "The moment right before the lips touch.", "It's like a big drum roll.", "So, how about tonight", "we just stick with the drum roll.", "Okay.\n- But we can't kiss.", "Okay.", "A drum roll? That's it?", "So, what? You just...\nYou said good night, came home,", "and performed a drum solo?", "Oh, Ted, you're such a doof!", "I mean, this girl sounds amazing.", "She was completely amazing.", "She was amazing and funny\nand we connected on every level,", "and I'm never gonna see her again.", "Damn it, I have to see her again.", "Yes!\n- Yes!", "So let's get to work, man.\nWhat else do you know about her?", "Nothing, her name's Victoria.\nThat's all I got.", "Wait, Claudia. Claudia would know.", "Well, Claudia's on her honeymoon.\nShe'll be back in two weeks.", "Call her then.\n- Yes, two weeks. Good idea.", "I'm calling her now.\n- No, Ted.", "You don't mess with a honeymoon.\n- Yeah, come on, dude.", "Ask her about the cake.", "Ted?\n- Hey, Claudia!", "Great wedding, beautiful toast,\ntouching stuff. How's the honeymoon?", "Listen, I'm calling because\nlast night I met this girl,", "and I was wondering if you had...", "Oh, you have got to be\nfreaking kidding me!", "Here we go.", "Twenty-four hours ago,\nyou were begging, begging me", "to bring some other girl to my wedding\nand now, what, you're over her?", "I've moved on.", "What was her name?\nIs it my fat cousin Lindsey?", "Don't be embarrassed.\nShe has pretty eyes.", "No. Her name was Victoria.\nI don't know her last name.", "Well, lucky for you. I know that guest list\nbackwards and forwards.", "Thank God!", "Unlucky for you, there was no Victoria\nat my wedding. Goodbye, Ted.", "There was no Victoria at the wedding.", "Maybe she used a second fake name.", "Oh, she's good. She's very good.", "Maybe she was a ghost.\nThat's why she didn't want to kiss you.", "Because you'd just pass right through her\nand feel really cold for a second.", "Oh, my God, I just had a great idea\nfor a screenplay.", "Marshall, she was not a ghost.", "I know that she wasn't a ghost.", "She picked up a bouquet\nproving she had corporeal form.", "Wait! She was sitting across\nfrom a couple of bridesmaids.", "She must have been at their table.\nMaybe they know who she was.", "Great! So, how do we get in touch\nwith the bridesmaids?", "This better be good.\nI'm about to enter Nirvana.", "By the way, I should get you\nNirvana's phone number.", "She gives a great massage. Say what?", "Barney!", "I know the house rules.", "Listen, Barney. I saw you talking\nto that bridesmaid last night.", "Did you happen to get her phone number?\n- You know I did.", "Great! I'm gonna need you\nto call her for me.", "You know I won't.", "Why not?", "Because, we just hooked up last night.\nI can't call the girl the next day.", "I have to wait at least, like, forever.", "Oh, snap! Never gonna call her.", "Besides, she thinks\nI'm on my way to India.", "Oh, come on, Barney. It's for a good cause.", "Ted going all castrati over yet another\ngirl is exactly not a good cause.", "Sorry, buddy, I wish I could help you.\nMy hands are tied.", "Oh, no, wait, that was last night.", "Okay, Barney,\nI'll tell you what I'm gonna do.", "You make this call", "and I will go with you to Foxy Boxing.", "Really?\n- Yeah.", "But, you always said\nthe Foxy Boxing girls were neither foxy,", "nor good at boxing.\n- I'm ready to be proven wrong.", "Tonight?\n- Tonight!", "Dial.", "Yeah, Tanya. Turns out I don't leave\nfor the Peace Corps until tomorrow.", "Yeah, I know. It sucks.", "Just one fewer day I get to help people.", "Anyway, this girl, any idea who she was?", "Hold on. What kind of shoes was she...", "No, Tanya, he's a dude.", "He's not gonna know\nwhat kind of shoes she was wearing.", "Actually...", "Oh, come on!", "Hey!", "So, what do you want to do next?\nDon't think!", "First thing that comes into your mind.", "Hold this.", "And this.", "There she goes.", "Apparently, she was wearing brown shoes", "with little snowflakes on them.", "Yeah, they do sound cute.", "Any idea who...", "Okay. Well, thanks anyway.\nYeah, you take care.", "What's...", "Tonight?", "Well, I'm shipping out pretty early.", "So, I won't be able to stay over,\nbut, yeah, sure, I'd love to.", "Okay. I'll talk to you later.", "Sorry, Ted, I won't be able\nto make Foxy Boxing tonight.", "I understand.", "Okay. Let's not lose hope.", "We'll call the hotel.\nMaybe she was staying there.", "We'll have them check the registry\nfor anyone named Victoria.", "Or maybe she goes by Vicky or Tori...\n- Or Ictor.", "She probably doesn't go by Ictor.", "No, you know what? This is fate.\nI am never supposed to see this girl again.", "That was the whole point of the night.\nI've just been saved from myself.", "Let's drink many beers.\n- Agreed.", "And I thought that was the end of it,\nBut then...", "Hey, there's the anchor lady.\n- Hello.", "How was it?\n- Oh, I don't know.", "Why don't you ask the new substitute\nweekend anchor?", "Robin? Thanks, Robin. It was awesome.", "Back to you, Robin.\n- Congrats!", "Thanks.\n- That's so cool.", "Yeah, I felt really bad\nbailing on Ted though.", "Oh, don't even worry about it. In fact...", "And then Lily told her the whole story,", "right down to the brown shoes\nwith the little snowflakes on them,", "And by the end of it...", "What?", "I know who she is.", "You know who she is?\nBut you weren't even at the wedding.", "Actually I kind of was.", "What?", "Well, after the newscast I was so excited,", "I decided to surprise Ted\nby going to the reception.", "Oh, damn it.", "Oh, stop it.", "What the hell?", "Hello?", "You okay in there?", "Yeah, I'm fine!", "Just allergies or something. I'm fine.", "Listen, do you wanna come\nand cry out here?", "I've been told I'm an excellent hugger.", "Oh, thanks.", "But I don't actually cry in front of people", "or cry at all for that matter.", "Man, it's gross.", "Does everyone snot up this much\nwhen they cry?", "Hey, you're speaking to a fellow snotter.", "So, why you crying?", "Because you have feelings for Ted.", "I don't know. Maybe?", "Okay, what is wrong with the two of you?\nSeriously!", "He likes you, and you like him,\nand just be together!", "Jeez, Louise,\nhappiness is not that difficult.", "Oh, look, okay.", "Yes, I cried in the bathroom\nand that was weird.", "But that doesn't mean\nI'm in love with the guy.", "The fact is, I don't know how I feel.", "Yes, you do.", "Seeing him with someone else\nand crying about it?", "Guess what? That's how you feel!", "That is nothing but how you feel.", "Okay, fine, I have feelings for him. Happy?", "Kind of, yeah.", "But it doesn't change anything.", "I still don't wanna get married,\nand he's still Ted.", "What I should do is just tell him\nwho Victoria is, so he can be happy.", "Or you could tell him that you're into him\nand then you could both be happy.", "I'm gonna go find him.", "Well, wait.", "Which one are you gonna tell him?", "I have no idea.", "And here's the most amazing part.", "Because I told her I had converted\nall my money to India dollars,", "she gave me $50 to take a cab\nto the airport.", "That's right. I just got paid for sex.", "I really should give this money\nto the Peace Corps.", "They've done so much for me lately.", "Hi, guys.\n- Hey.", "Ted, can I talk to you\noutside for a second?", "Sure, what's up?", "I have to tell you something.", "Oh, just get it.", "Hello?\n- Ted? It's Stuart.", "My lovely bride would like to say\nsomething to you.", "Ted.", "I'm sorry I hung up on you earlier.", "My new husband and vodka cranberry,", "which cost $10.50\nat the freaking airport bar...", "When is this plane going to board?\n- Sweet pea.", "Have helped me realize that\nsometimes I can act like a crazy person.", "And I don't want my new husband to think\nI'm a crazy person.", "It's fine, Claudia, don't worry about it.", "Marshall wanted to know\nwhere you guys got that cake.", "Cake?", "Why don't you take this?", "Sounds like you could use it.", "Thanks. You're very sweet.", "So, are you a friend of the bride or groom?", "We got it at this little bakery downtown.", "Actually, neither.", "It's called the Buttercup Bakery.", "Pleased to meet you, Buttercup.", "I made the cake.", "She made the cake.", "Buttercup Bakery!", "She wasn't on the guest list,\nbecause she wasn't a guest.", "She made the cake!", "She made that cake. Ted, this is the girl.", "You gotta marry her. Today.", "She has to move in with us.", "I'm going down to that bakery.\n- No, no, don't do it.", "Baby, what are you talking about?", "Yeah, all day long you've been busting\nmy apple bag about finding this girl.", "Well, I just think that\nmaybe she's not that into you.", "And that's why\nshe didn't give you her number.", "Robin, care to chime in with anything?", "Yes.", "Ted,", "go get her.", "Going. Getting!", "Ted. Oh, my gosh, I love this moment.", "You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna say it.", "And this time,\nyou're actually gonna say yes.", "You ready? You ready to say yes?\nTed, suit up!", "Yes!", "No.\n- Oh, come on!", "Guess we were gone a while.\n- Oh, that's too bad.", "I was looking forward to one last dance.", "Why, yes, I am.", "Sorry, I could tell\nwhat you were just thinking.", "Wow, what was I just thinking?", "Damn, he's looking mighty fine in that tux.", "You got me. You are good.\n- Yeah.", "You know, I don't look like this every day.", "On a real weekend, the real Ted wears\na pair of jeans and a sweatshirt", "with bleach stains on it.", "The real Ted sounds real sexy.", "It's too bad I'll never get to see it.", "Buttercup Bakery. This is it.", "Good luck, dude. Grab me a cupcake.", "Ted? You still with us?", "Tell me your last name.", "You know, there's one little flaw\nin our plan.", "What's that?", "I'm gonna go home tonight\nwith a lot of great memories,", "and one really sucky memory.", "The memory of you walking out that door.", "Hey, Ted.", "Yeah?", "Close your eyes and count to five.", "One.", "Two.", "Three.", "Four.", "Five.", "Until our dying days, we'll remember\neverything about that night", "as perfect,", "Maybe we both need that.", "I mean, so many things go wrong in life,", "but this is the one thing that never will.", "It will always, always be pure,", "unadulterated, awesome.", "If I walk in there, I'm robbing both of us\nof what could be...", "The meter's running, dude.\nCrap or get off the pot.", "Yeah, yeah, I'm going.", "Oh, thank God!"], "How I Met Your Mother S01E14  Zip, Zip, Zip": ["When you meet someone\nspecial suddenly life is full of firsts,", "The first kiss,", "The first night together,", "The first weekend together,", "For me, all those firsts happened\nwithin 48 hours of meeting Victoria,", "They've gotta come out soon. It's Monday.", "Do you think they've been in there\nthe whole time?", "I don't know whether to be proud\nor concerned.", "Maybe they're not even in there.", "Morning.\n- Hey, guys.", "I'm just gonna ignore that.\n- Thank you.", "I wish you could stay.\n- I know. Me, too.", "But I have to go to work,\nand you have that meeting.", "Call you afterwards?\n- I'll inappropriately text you during.", "Bye.\n- Bye.", "Bye.\n- Oh, Victoria. You're here...", "Toodle-oo!", "Two days straight!", "Wow! Your room must smell\nlike a monkey cage.", "Come on, give us a number.\nLily guessed eight,", "but I know my boy got the double digits!\n- Zero.", "What?\n- What?", "Guys, we just met.", "And we both screwed up relationships\nin the past by jumping in too quick.", "So we talked about it\nand we decided to take this one slow.", "Her idea.\n- Totally her idea!", "But I don't know. I'm\nreally into this girl.", "And if going slow is what it takes\nto make this happen, I say, bring it on.", "I don't feel so good.", "It's like my testicles\nmixed pop rocks and soda.", "I can't believe she's making you wait\na whole month.", "I would never put up with that.", "You've only had sex with one girl\nin your whole life.", "Burn!", "Ted, the only reason to wait\na month for sex", "is if the girl is 17 years, 11 months old.", "Good news! I don't have to cover\nthe cat show tomorrow night.", "Who's up for hanging out?", "Oh, I can't.\nI'm taking Victoria out for dinner.", "Oh, we can't.\nIt's our nine-year anniversary.", "Wow! Nine years?\nYour relationship's a fourth grader.", "Congrats.\n- Thanks.", "We're going to the Berkshires\nfor the maple syrup harvest.", "It's one of New York magazine's\ntop five romantic getaways on a budget.", "Who says sexual can't be sensible?", "Well, looks like it's gonna be\njust you and me.", "Really?", "Actually, I was talking to my martini.", "Ready to go?\n- Hell, yeah.", "Ready to go?\n- Hell, yeah.", "Nothing better than a weekend\nat a good bed-and-breakfast.", "Yeah. Waking up for breakfast\nat 7:00 a.m. Sharp.", "Complimenting the owners\non their collection of needlepoint geese.", "Awkward conversations\nwith middle-aged couples", "trying to stave off divorce.", "Yeah, well, we'd better get going.\nIt's like a four-hour drive.", "And it's supposed to rain tonight.", "Or we could just stay home.\n- Maybe watch some TV?", "Order in some Chinese.\n- Szechwan Garden.", "Are we really bailing?\n- Hell, yeah.", "Good, 'cause this thing's empty.", "$100 says\nwhen you turn around I say, \"Wow!\"", "Barney, this is the third time\nyou've hit on me by accident!", "It's one of the many risks\nof the blind approach.", "It's usually a two-man operation\nwhere Ted signals if the target is hot.", "But Ted's too busy\nbeing in a lesbian relationship.", "Why don't you just check out\nthe girl's reflection in the bar mirror?", "You can't... Wow!", "Hey! What's taking so long?", "I gotta go.\n- Not so fast, Scherbatsky.", "I like the way you think.\nThat mirror thing.", "Simple. Elegant.", "Okay, limited time offer.", "I need a bro,\nfor my bro-ings-on about town.", "How would you like to be said bro?", "Well, as tempting as that sounds,", "I'm hanging out with my friend\nwho just got dumped.", "She really needs some support,\nor a stranger's tongue down her throat.", "That seems healthy.", "All right! Guess I'm in.", "So, one more week and it'll be a month.", "Really, are you sure? Wow.\nThat snuck up on me.", "Oh, come on!", "The 18th can't get here fast enough.", "Wait, the 18th?", "Oh, crap! I can't believe I forgot this.\nI'm gonna be out of town on the 18th.", "Oh, well, we can just wait\nuntil you get back.", "I mean, the whole point\nwas not to rush into this.", "Yeah. Or we could do it tonight.", "75th and Amsterdam.", "I'm so glad we decided to just stay home.", "Oh, I know. Can you imagine if we'd gone?", "We'd be just getting there now,\nall tired and cranky.", "And yet, we'd feel obligated to have sex.", "Yeah, for 89 bucks a night, we're doing it.", "I would like to propose a toast", "to the most\nawesomely mellow anniversary ever.", "I'm so glad you have to go\nto your parents next weekend.", "I'm so glad your roommates\nare out of town.", "Oh, my God! What are they doing home?", "They think we went away.", "Oh, it is on for my boy Ted!", "But we didn't go away.\nWe're in the bathroom.", "Well, they don't know that.\nAll we have to do is hide out in here", "until Ted moves his mojo\ninto the bedroom.", "But I don't want to hide out in here.", "Honey, Ted has been going out of his mind\nwaiting for this.", "If we go out there and spoil the mood,\nit's not gonna happen.", "Then one of us is gonna\nhave to have sex with Ted.", "And, not gonna be me.", "Okay, fine.", "I guess I'll actually floss.", "You suited up!", "Well, I figured if I'm gonna do this,\nI'm gonna do this right.", "Emilio, the woman will have...", "I'll have a Johnnie Walker Blue, neat,", "and a Montecristo No. 2. Thanks.", "The No. 2. A.k. A the Torpedo.", "Or, as the rulers call it, Piramide.", "My father was a cigar fanatic.\nIt was the only way to get his attention.", "Father issues. Hot.", "I know.\nI was this close to being a huge slut.", "Slut would have been better.\nBut I'll settle for bro.", "Especially now that Ted's with Victoria\nand can't drink.", "Because he's pregnant.\n'Cause he's the girl.", "Oh, come on. Ted can't be pregnant.\nYou need to have sex to get pregnant.", "What up! Freeze frame, high five!", "I think this may be a perfect moment.", "I think this may be a perfect moment.", "I wish we could hold on to it forever.\n- No.", "Because the beauty of a moment\nis that it's fleeting.", "By its very nature,\nit slips through our fingers.", "Making it that much more precious.", "That is bad.", "That is like\nhigh-school-literary-magazine bad!", "And they're not even high.", "And it's actually working.", "Yeah, super slowly.\nGod, close the deal already.", "It's been like 45 minutes.\nWe could've had sex three times by now.", "Yeah, try five!\n- What up.", "Hey, maybe we should just go out there.", "No way! We can't go out there now.", "They'll know that we've been\nsitting in the bathroom the whole time.", "It'll be too weird.\n- Fine.", "But if we're stuck in here,\nI'm turning up the volume.", "I want to know you.", "Like, know your soul.", "Ted, what makes you cry?", "Honey, could you hold my hair back?\nI think I'm gonna hurl.", "So, what do you and Ted\nusually do after the cigar bar?", "Are you kidding? Ted's never been here.", "You've already flown higher and faster\nthan he ever did.", "Still.\n- What?", "There is one other thing we could do.\nIf you're up for it.", "I had no idea laser tag still existed!", "Yeah, well, enjoy it\nbefore it becomes cool again.", "I give it two months.\n- Oh, I believe it. This is awesome!", "Okay, follow my lead, stay low,", "and never underestimate\na 12-year-old with a...", "Scherbatsky! You gotta focus!", "You just saved my life, didn't you?\n- Thank me later.", "Let's keep moving.\nThese little bastards are everywhere.", "He's just staring into her eyes!", "I don't know. We used to be\neven more nauseatingly into each other", "than Ted and Victoria. Now look at us.", "Yeah, now we just make fun\nof people like that.", "It's the circle of life.", "I'm serious, Marshall.", "I mean, we couldn't even get it up\nto go on our big trip.", "And now we're celebrating our anniversary\nstuck in a bathroom.", "Well, it's not fair to compare us\nto Ted and Victoria.", "I mean, this is their first time.", "Yeah, but we could still have\nsome more romance.", "Now you just say, \"Wanna do it,\"\nand I say, \"Yeah.\"", "Wanna...\n- No!", "Maybe we're just out of firsts.", "Looks like they're about to have theirs.", "Should we take this to the bedroom?", "Yes!\n- Yes!", "Yes.", "Yes!\n- Yes!", "No! No, don't answer it.", "You can answer it. We have all night.", "You're answering it? He's answering it!\n- No! Do her! Do her now!", "Sure. Good luck with that.", "Sorry about that.", "How about a little more wine?", "I'll get another bottle.\n- Okay.", "I need a drink.\nDo we have any cough syrup in here?", "Ambush! Ambush! Ambush!\n- Oh, God!", "These brats have us\ncompletely surrounded!", "I counted nine, maybe ten.", "I'll lay down some cover fire.\nYou make a run for it.", "No! Leave no man behind.", "Either we all get out of here,\nor no one does.", "But, I...\n- Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky!", "See you on the other side.", "Mother!", "Damn. Wanna go get a soft pretzel?", "Yeah.\n- All right.", "Marshall, what happened to us?", "I mean, we used to just stare\ninto each others' eyes all night long.", "Have we lost that?", "Maybe.", "But I think I just found it.", "Right here.", "Baby, I'm giving you sexy smoldering\nwith just-a-hint-of-crazy eyes.", "Okay, well,\nget ready for my sex-ray vision.", "Did you remember to pick up\nthe dry cleaning?", "Oh, damn it!\n- It's all right.", "We can do this. We can do this.\n- Let's just hold hands.", "This is nice.", "Yeah.", "You love that move!\nIt's the classic Marshall.", "Great. We totally suck at this.", "And we really,\nreally need to get out of here!", "Well, we can't.", "Baby, there's something I have to do.\nAnd if I do it in front of you,", "it'll change the entire nature\nof our relationship.", "What is it?\n- I have to pee.", "This is bad.", "We've gone nine years\nwithout peeing in front of each other.", "You always think there'll be more time.", "Look at us.", "We're basically an old married couple\nand we're not even married yet.", "The flame of our romance is flickering", "and if I pee all over it,\nit might go out forever!", "How much longer do you think\nyou can hold it?", "I drank a Big Gulp of Mountain Dew\nduring that Quantum Leap marathon.", "Oh, boy.", "Playing laser tag really takes me back.", "And you know what game I really miss?\nBattleship. I've never lost a game.", "Neither have I. Of course, I cheat.\n- Oh, yeah. Me, too.", "The trick is to bend the aircraft carrier\nso it makes an \"L.\"", "I always just stacked the ships\non top of each other.", "Nice! You know,\nwe should have a cheaters grudge match.", "I think I still have a...", "Hello. Target acquired.\nHottie by the jukebox.", "Oh, good eye, Scherbatsky.", "I got someone for you. Two o' clock.\nBlue shirt.", "That's a woman.", "Oh, my mistake. Or is it?", "Let's just focus on your target.\n- Right.", "There. I got this one.", "Oh, my God! I love your jeans!", "Okay, is this a lesbian bar? Because\nthat girl with the blue shirt just...", "Oh, no. I am all about the dudes.", "Although, pickings are pretty slim tonight.", "Only hot guy here is blondie in the suit,\nand he's playing hard to get.", "Really?\n'Cause he's totally vibing me right now.", "Must be the jeans.", "Well, jeans will only get you so far.\nI'm going home with him.", "We'll see about that.", "Oh, my God, I hate Ted!\nI hate him so much!", "Baby, why don't you just go?", "Tons of other couples have\npeed in front of each other.", "I know, but we haven't", "because I want to keep\nsome of the mystery alive.", "Well, you have farted in front of me.\n- Yes, but I always cover it with a cough.", "You always do.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "Let's get outta here.\nLet's go somewhere else.", "Well, what happened?", "Sometimes I like to do\na little catch-and-release.", "But why?\n- Leave no man behind.", "Either we all score, or no one scores.", "Right on.", "Hey, you wanna go play Battleship?\n- Hit!", "Ted, I can't wait any longer.", "Should we move to the bedroom?\n- There's no time for that.", "So, they can suck on each others' fingers\nfor an hour,", "but there's no time\nto take two steps to the bedroom?", "Baby, I can't hold it in any longer!\nIt's time!", "I know.", "I love you, Marshall.\n- I love you, Lily.", "Here we go.", "You know, Barney, I had a surprisingly\ngood time bro-ing out tonight.", "Well, you make a good bro.\nYou're a better Ted than Ted.", "Hey, in fact, you have just earned yourself\nan invite to Marshall's bachelor party.", "And you don't even have\nto come out of the cake.", "Thanks. And thanks\nfor sticking around tonight.", "I hope you're ready\nfor some hardcore Battleship.", "Come on, boys.", "\"Hardcore\"? That's the only way I play.", "Oh, I found it. Are you ready to...\nWhat the hell are you doing?", "I'm birthday-suiting up. I'm sorry.\nDid you want to undress me?", "No! I thought we were\njust hanging out as friends!", "Oh, come on! You have been\nthrowing yourself at me all night!", "What? I did the opposite!\nI threw some other girl at you!", "You invited me up to your apartment\nto \"play Battleship\"!", "Is that not an internationally\nrecognized term for sex?", "No!", "Great.", "I hope you're happy.\nYou sunk my battleship.", "I'm okay. Are you okay?", "I feel the same.\nAnd, yet, strangely different.", "Yeah, I'm happy for my bladder,\nyet sad for us.", "Look, you had to do it, sweetie. For Ted.", "And, hey, look, at least now\nwe can stay in here as long as it takes.", "Yeah, I guess our relationship\nhad to take a hit,", "so a new one out there could blossom.", "Oh, crap!", "They must've heard that.", "Well, I guess we can come out now.", "I don't believe it, they're gone.", "Good. 'Cause I gotta take a whiz.", "Okay. You and me? That's insane.", "If you even thought about it\nfor one second...", "But I have thought about it for\nthree seconds, and it makes a lot of sense.", "We both think\nthe marriage-commitment thing's a drag.", "We both want something casual and fun.\nAnd we clearly get along really well.", "Wow, that actually did make\na lot of sense.", "But what about Ted?\n- I checked with Ted.", "Hey, Ted. So now that things\nwith you and Victoria are going pretty well", "I assume you're probably over\nall the girls you were into before, right?", "I take your silence as a yes,\nso, ergo, therefore,", "say I were to hook up with someone,\nsay, I don't know, Robin,", "you'd be cool with that, right?\n- Sure, good luck with that.", "Totally gave us his blessing.", "Really?\n- Really.", "So, Ted didn't care\nthat you wanted to make a move on me?", "Didn't care at all.", "What?\n- You like Ted!", "I didn't say that I liked Ted, I...\n- You like Ted!", "Wow! This is huge.", "Barney, I don't like Ted.\nHe's moved on and I'm really happy for...", "Yeah, yeah. Look, are we gonna\nplay Battleship or what?", "You're not gonna tell him, are you?", "No. That's the bro code.", "A bro doesn't tell a mutual bro\nthat a third bro has a crush on him.", "Just like the third bro\ndoesn't tell the mutual bro", "that the original bro\nwent bare pickle in front of her.", "It's quid pro bro.", "A7.", "Miss.\n- Of course.", "Well, we still have one frontier left.\nStill got the deuce.", "You're not making me feel better.", "Well, it certainly was a first.", "It was, wasn't it?", "We still have firsts.\n- Of course we do.", "And you know what?\nI actually feel closer to you now.", "I wanna know you.", "Like, know your soul.", "Marshall, what makes you cry?", "This moment is fleeting", "because it's being chased\nby another moment.", "Oh, just grab my boob already!", "Come on, guys. Get a room."], "How I Met Your Mother S01E15 Game Night": ["Kids, something you\nmight not know about your Uncle Marshall", "is that he's always been good at games,", "I mean unbeatable,", "Gin!", "Yahtzee!", "Poker!", "You don't have to shout out \"poker\"\nwhen you win.", "I know. It's just fun to say.", "We all finally agreed,", "Marshall should be\nrunning our game nights,", "instead of playing in them,", "Which he took to mean,\n\"Invent your own game,\"", "It's called \"Marshgammon.\"", "It combines all the best features\nof all the best games,", "Candyland, I Never, Pictionary.", "Backgammon, obviously.\n- No.", "Backgammon sucks.", "I took the only good part of\n\"backgammon,\" the \"gammon,\"", "and I left the rest of it in the trash\nwhere it belongs.", "I'm so excited Victoria's coming.", "I'm gonna go get another round.", "Okay. I wanna lay down\nsome ground rules for tonight, Barney.", "I actually like Victoria a lot.", "So, don't say anything...\nDon't say anything.", "And, guys, I haven't exactly told Victoria", "that I used to have\na kind of thing for Robin,", "so if we could just avoid the...\n- Well, well, well, how rich.", "You make me promise to be on\nmy best behavior around your girlfriend,", "yet you have been lying to her\nsince day one.", "Excuse me.", "Hi, Leg Warehouse?", "Yeah, my friend Ted\nneeds something to stand on.", "So, nothing for him to stand on?\nOkay, thanks so much.", "Ted, doesn't Victoria deserve to know\nthat you once had the hots for Robin?", "I have half a mind\nto tell the story of the re-return.", "No,\nI swore you to secrecy on that.", "I am smelling dirt.\nWhat is the story of the re-return?", "Nothing. It's nothing.", "And, speaking of digging up dirt,", "can I count on you two\nto behave around Victoria?", "Us? What would we do?", "Look, you guys have always been\nlike the parents that I still have,", "and, in fact, moved here to get away from.", "However, could we skip\nthe traditional interrogation", "of the new girlfriend tonight?", "Fine.\n- Fine.", "Thank you.", "I should go help Robin.\n- Okay.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "So, you gonna be okay\nhanging out with Victoria tonight?", "Oh, sure. She's great.", "Oh, what? Because of the whole thing\nwhere I said I liked Ted?", "No. Victoria is great.", "She's fun, she's free-spirited.\nShe's great.", "I said \"She's great\" too many times,\ndidn't I?", "You must really hate the bitch.", "But if you roll an even number\nwhile adjacent to the Peppermint Forest,", "then you \"Marshall Out,\"\nand all your chips go into the pot.", "And remember,\nif you ever ask the question, \"What,\"", "then you gotta drink.", "Got it?", "No idea what you're talking about.\n- No idea what you're talking about.", "Okay, okay. All right, no, no.", "We'll just start. You guys will pick it up.\nNewbie goes first.", "Roll.\n- Okay.", "Three! You got \"Autobiography.\"", "Now, that's where you have to answer\na personal question about your dating life,", "truthfully, in order to move on.", "Marshall, come on.\n- Hey. She's the one who rolled a three.", "Victoria.", "\"Have you ever cheated\nwhile in a relationship?\"", "Wow, good question.", "You don't have to answer that.\n- It's okay.", "Well, I was in a really crappy relationship\nin college,", "and I wound up kissing this guy\nat a party one night", "and I felt terrible about it,\nso I came clean and we broke up.", "Victoria, that was an honest\nand mature answer.", "You may advance\nto the Gumdrop Mountains.", "So, Victoria,\ndid you ever re-return to this guy?", "What?\n- You said what. You gotta drink.", "Oh, Barney, by the way, I went to a party\nin that new building on 82nd,", "and the host said she knew you.", "What is her name? Sharon? Shannon?\n- Shannon?", "Shannon, Shannon.", "No. Don't remember any Shannon.", "Really? Well, 'cause she gave me\na videotape to give you.", "Where's the tape?", "I'll get it.", "Cool. Okay. You know, whenever.", "Okay, Robin. Your roll.", "Five! Another \"Autobiography.\"", "For the player to your left which...\nVictoria!", "Of course.", "Victoria.", "\"How many boyfriends did you have\nbefore you started dating Ted?\"", "Wait, the card actually says Ted?", "Okay. Well, boyfriends,\nI guess I've only had two.", "Prude-alert.", "Well, that... That's serious boyfriends.\nI've dated other guys in between.", "Oh, slut-alert!", "Oh, great, there it is.\nThanks, Lily, you're a peach.", "Well, wow, look at that.", "Robin landed on the Chocolate Swamp.\nThat's five chips for me.", "Thank you. Finally,\nsomebody understands Marshgammon.", "Barney, what was on that tape?", "Too bad you'll never find out.\n- Damn it!", "If only I'd given you a fake tape\nand hidden the real tape in my purse.", "Oh, wait. That's exactly what I did.", "What?\n- Drink.", "Yeah, you were acting so weird about it\nI gave you Ted's graduation tape instead.", "So, should we pop it in?\n- Give it to me.", "Hey, hey!\n- Ted!", "Play it. Play it!\n- Fine, fine.", "I cannot believe...", "Shannon! I love you,", "I love you so much,", "What about us\nchanging the world together?", "Don't tell me you've forgotten,\nI know I haven't,", "Did you try his cell phone?\n- Yeah, I left two messages.", "I checked the cigar club,\nthe Lusty Leopard. He's off the grid.", "Hey, guys. What up?", "Barney, where have you been?\n- Yeah, we're really sorry about that.", "Yeah, so sorry.", "But seriously, what was up with the tape?", "No. Stay.\n- Come on. Come on.", "Stay. Come on.\n- I'm sorry. I don't wanna talk about it.", "It was the most embarrassing\nand humiliating thing", "that ever happened to me.", "Well, we all have embarrassing stories.\nSometimes it's good to talk about it.", "Oh, really?", "Then why don't you tell us\nyour most humiliating moment, Marshall?", "Show me how good it is.", "All right.", "MARSHALL; I was stopping by Lily's\nkindergarten class to say hi,", "but they were all at recess,", "I really had to pee,\nso I went into the class's restroom,", "It was a smaller target than I'm used to,", "so I figured I should sit down,", "What I didn't realize was\nit was a shared bathroom,", "I wish I'd pulled up my pants,", "The kids still call him Funny Butt.", "Okay. I'll tell you my story.", "Believe it or not, I was not always\nas awesome as I am today.", "BARNEY; It was 1998,\nI was just out of college,", "and I was working at a coffeehouse\nwith my girlfriend,", "My girlfriend, Shannon,", "Thank you,", "All right.", "I love your singing, Barney.\n- And I love you, Shannon.", "Joining the Peace Corps with you\nis gonna be legendary.", "I know. Only five short weeks,\ntill we're down in Nicaragua.", "Hey, nonfat latte to go.", "Mellow order, bro, mellow order.", "Dude. That's your G-friend?\nAll right, high-five.", "Sorry, I only give high-twos.", "Whatevs. As long as you're nailing that.", "Listen to you. \"That\"?", "You know, women aren't objects.\nThey're human beings.", "And FYI, Shannon and I have\ndecided to wait till we're married.", "You can read about it in my zine.", "Hey, Haircut, right here.", "Open up your knowledge basket\n'cause here it comes.", "Forget all that touchy-feely crap.", "You get money, you get laid.\nEnd of discussion.", "I feel sorry for you, man.", "Peace out, hombre,", "Suits.", "BARNEY; Five weeks later, we were all set\nto leave for the Peace Corps,", "Only problem was", "she never showed up,", "She never showed?\n- So what happened next?", "You know what? This was a mistake.", "Wait, what if somebody else\ntold their most humiliating story?", "Oh, I know just how to decide who.", "You brought the game to the bar?", "We're not quitting\njust 'cause Ted's so far ahead.", "I was winning?", "Fine. I'll go next.", "ROBIN; I was doing a report on live TV\nabout a hansom cab driver,", "The slipping-in-horse-poop story?\n- Yeah, we all know that one.", "Okay, how about this?", "I will tell you my most humiliating story.", "Yeah, Victoria. Way to step up.", "It involves a game of Truth or Dare,", "a squeeze bottle\nof marshmallow ice cream topping,", "and the hot tub at my grandparents'\nretirement community.", "Kids, I tell you\na lot of inappropriate stories,", "but there's no way in hell\nI'm telling you this one,", "Don't worry, though, it wasn't that great,", "That is the greatest story ever!", "Oh, my God!\n- Wow, wow, wow!", "Victoria, I deem your offering worthy.", "My saga continues.", "BARNEY; I went back to the coffeehouse\nto find Shannon,", "Barney!\n- Sugar bear, where were you?", "I'm sorry. My dad won't let me go.", "But the Nicaraguans need us.", "It's just he's still supporting me.", "And, look,\nhe's coming by soon to talk about it,", "but I think you should go on without me.", "Shannon, there is no...\n- Barney.", "It's your dream.", "It's only two years. I know we can make it.", "As I walked away,\nI realized Shannon was an adult,", "Her father couldn't control her life,", "I had to go back and confront him,", "She was in the middle\nof a heated argument with her dad,", "What?", "Now we all gotta drink.", "Oh, my God. What happened next?", "Oh, I don't know, guys.\n- Okay, okay.", "Marshall's mom sent us cookies.\n- Lily, no! No, Lily!", "For the team, Marshall, for the team.", "Hey, Mrs. Eriksen, it's Lily.", "Thank you so much\nfor the delicious cookies.", "Mayonnaise. Really?", "Never would have guessed.", "Yes, well I will definitely give Marshall\na kiss for you.", "Okay, take care.", "Hi, baby.\n- Oh, crap! My mom sent cookies?", "Yeah. I wish we had a dog,\nso they wouldn't go to waste.", "Yeah.", "So, we've got the whole place\nto ourselves.", "I'm thinking floor sex.\n- Sounds reasonable.", "Oh, floor's cold.", "Grab that afghan your mom made.", "The whole time?", "The whole time.", "Barney, that was really embarrassing\nfor both of us.", "We just earned a huge chunk of story.", "Right. So where was I?", "Oh, yeah.\nShannon was sucking face with her dad.", "How could... With your dad?", "I mean, I know,\njudge not lest ye be judged, but gross!", "Barney, that's not my dad.", "His name's Greg.\nI've been seeing him for a few weeks.", "I was hoping you'd just leave\nand we could avoid all this.", "We're breaking up?\nBut what about the Peace Corps?", "Yeah, all this granola business,\nit was just a phase.", "Greg's older. He's successful.", "He buys me all this cool stuff.", "But I love you.\n- But he has a boat.", "You should go to the Peace Corps.\nAnd forget about me.", "BARNEY; I didn't go,", "That night, I recorded my video\nand mailed it to Shannon,", "I didn't see her until a week later,", "There's sugar in the basket.", "Shannon! Shannon, you came back!", "I'm just picking up my last paycheck.", "Did you... Did you get my tape?", "Oh, she got the tape.", "You? You... It was you?", "Oh, man!", "Oh, you poor thing.", "The story's not over.\nI did see Shannon one more time.", "When?\n- Sorry. Sorry.", "Oh, you've gotta tell us.", "I don't know. I think I might need\none last story to get me through it.", "Fine.", "Oh, the Green Testicles story.", "So, I was playing Ultimate Frisbee\nin college,", "and there was this barefoot dude\nwith a weirdly sharp toenail...", "Oh, come on, Ted!\nYou know what story I wanna hear.", "Everyone else here has manned-up tonight\nand told the truth.", "Why can't you?", "You're right.", "Victoria, I'm sorry I haven't\ntold you this yet, but a while back,", "I was kind of into Robin.", "In fact, on our first date,\nI might've said, \"I love you.\"", "Understandably, she freaked out,\nand I left,", "but unfortunately,\nthe night did not end there.", "We all ended up at the bar\nwith our cabdriver, Ranjit,", "To one hell of a night!", "And I drank,", "A lot,", "So, you guys think\nI should have kissed her?", "Well, I'll tell you what.\nI'm gonna go kiss her. Right now.", "Yes! Do it!", "To the car.", "Hello? Is someone out there?", "You ralphed and ran?", "I thought you were vomit-free since '93.", "So, that was a lie?", "You re-returned for me.\nThat's really sweet.", "Though you kind of ruined\nmy customized Scherbatsky doormat.", "Sorry.\n- It's okay.", "Victoria, I know this must be...\n- Yeah. It kind of is.", "Wow, Ted, you were right.\nYou shouldn't have told that story.", "But you did earn yourself\nthe right to the end of mine.", "We fast-forward eight years\ninto the future.", "Wait, eight years. That's this year.", "Marshall, not only is it this year,\nit's tonight.", "Hi.", "Barney?\n- Hi, Shannon.", "What are you doing here?\n- Just listen.", "When you left me for that guy Greg,\nit changed me.", "Now, I'm this.", "I know this is crazy, it's just,\nyou were once such a big part of my life,", "and it just seemed insane\nthat you didn't know who I am now.", "So, here I am.", "BARNEY; And then she told me\nabout her life,", "She and Greg dated for a while,\nand then split up.", "But here's the real kicker.\nShannon's a mom.", "She has a little kid named Max.", "That's crazy. That could've been my kid.", "But instead, what do I have?", "My whole life's some money in the bank,\nsome suits in my closet,", "and a string of one-night stands.", "Hey, come on.", "I mean, just because her life\nwent one way,", "and yours went another,\ndoesn't make your life any worse.", "My life rocks!", "Money, suits and sex.\nThese are tears of joy.", "I could be cooped up\nin some tiny apartment,", "changing some brat's poopy diapers,", "but instead, I'm out in the world\nbeing awesome 24/7, 365.", "You let me dodge a bullet, Big Guy.", "Plus, here's the mini-cherry,\non top of the regular cherry,", "on top of the sundae of awesomeness\nthat is my life.", "After Shannon and I talked, I nailed her.", "No.\n- Yeah.", "No.\n- Yeah.", "Sorry, don't buy it. You're making it up.", "You're just trying to cover the fact\nthat you actually had a profound moment", "of doubt about yourself and...", "Oh, my God.\n- SHANNON; Oh, Barney, oh,", "Video's pretty good on this phone, huh?", "SHANNON; Is your phone on?", "BARNEY; Oh, no, it just takes a while\nto power down,", "Oh, gross. Just stop it.", "Ladies, gentlemen, Ted.", "This has been a wonderful evening.", "I got great dirt on all you guys.\nI got Ted to tell the re-return.", "I finally nailed Shannon!\nTold her I'd call her tomorrow.", "Yeah, right.", "And I rediscovered\njust how awesomely awesome my life is.", "Peace out, hombres,", "I think Barney just won game night.", "We spend so much effort\ntrying to keep parts of our lives hidden,", "even from our closest friends", "that those rare times\nwhen we do open up,", "it's amazing how minor those secrets\nall end up seeming,", "$100 says when you turn around...", "Of course,\nnot every secret was told that night,", "But that's getting ahead of the story,"], "How I Met Your Mother S01E16 Cupcake": ["Kids, when it comes to love,", "the best relationships are the ones\nthat just come naturally,", "My first solo batch.", "I think those need to stay in the oven\nawhile longer.", "Here's a professional tip.", "If it's still runny, it's not a cupcake.", "It's a beverage.\n- Yeah, well...", "Things with Victoria were fun, And easy,\nAnd uncomplicated,", "No, no.", "It was pretty great,", "Are you coloring in your butt?", "I have a big interview coming up.\nAnd my suit has holes in it.", "I can't sew. I don't own navy boxers.", "So, yeah, I'm coloring in my butt.", "Just wear another one.\n- I don't have another one.", "I'm flat broke. My only other suit options\nare track or birthday.", "Dude, you show up to an interview in that,", "even the hippie lawyers\nfrom Granola Mountain Earth Pals", "will hacky-sack you straight out the door.", "Okay, it's\nthe National Resource Defense Council", "and it's my dream job.", "Except it's only an internship\nand I won't be getting paid.", "Mostly getting people coffee.", "But the people I'm getting coffee for,\ntheir bosses are gonna save the world.", "Okay. Tomorrow... And I should mention\nthis is gonna rock your world.", "Tomorrow, I'm taking you\nto my personal tailor.", "A tailor?\nBarney, I make negative $300 a week", "and I need every negative penny of that\nfor my wedding.", "Relax. My guy does everything\nfor one-third the cost.", "And there is no way you're getting married\nin that sarcastic-quotation-marks \"suit.\"", "Tomorrow. Noon. My tailor.", "No thanks, dude.", "Noon?\n- Noon.", "Okay.\n- See you then.", "Hey, girls.", "Hey, girls.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "Hey. I'm on my way to meet Ted.", "It's our two-month-iversary,\nso we're going out to dinner.", "Great. Well, that answers\nall the questions I didn't ask.", "Robin.", "Oh, come on. We bust on each other.", "We're just at that place\nin our strong friendship.", "Really?", "Get off me.", "Oh, see? I did it again.", "What are you guys up to? Dress shopping.", "You know, I make wedding cakes\nfor a lot of fancy bridal shops.", "If you want, I could take you shopping.\nMaybe get you a discount.", "Really? That would be great.\n- Yeah.", "I should take this. Bye. Hello?", "Hey? I thought it was gonna be\njust us tomorrow.", "What's with inviting Punky Brewster?", "Robin. You've gotta get over\nthis Ted and Victoria thing.", "You had your chance, and now he's moved\non. Can't you just be happy for them?", "The best I can give you\nis a fake smile and dead eyes.", "Sold.\n- Great.", "Victoria, what's wrong?", "I've just been offered a fellowship\nat a culinary institute in Germany.", "Wait. Germany, Europe?\n- It's for two years.", "I figured I didn't have much of a chance,\n'cause they don't let many Americans in,", "but I'm in.", "So, this is the Europe Germany?", "Ted, what other Germany would it be?\n- The one in Epcot?", "Ted.\n- Sorry.", "Congratulations.\n- Thank you.", "I don't know if I'm gonna go.", "And, if you do,\nwhat does that mean for us?", "I don't know.", "I just... I don't think that\nlong-distance really works for anyone.", "Oh, God, no. Long-distance is a lie", "teenagers tell each other\nto get laid the summer before college.", "So that leaves us with...", "Either you stay here, or we break up.", "Wow.", "Look, let's just see how things progress\nand if, by September, we still...", "I have to leave on Monday.", "Monday, September the...\n- Ted.", "Do you have any thoughts?", "Maybe we should each take some time\nto think about what we want.", "We'll meet up tomorrow to discuss it.", "It's a date.", "And that's when\nthings got complicated,", "Hey, baby. How's the dress place?\n- Well, everything's so fluffy and white.", "It's like shopping in a marshmallow.\nHow's Barney's tailor?", "Everything here is dark and sketchy,\nand seems illegal.", "It's like shopping in Barney's mind.", "Good luck, baby.\n- Bye.", "Hey, Barney?", "I'm not sure about this.\nA tailor in the backroom of a pet store?", "Look, do you want a quality suit\nand a free rabbit or not?", "Ted, Sergei says stop moping around.\nYou're distracting him from his process.", "You speak Ukrainian?", "Guys. I'm kind of screwed here.", "I don't wanna lose Victoria,\nbut I can't ask her to stay just for me.", "And long-distance definitely\nisn't an option.", "No, no, no. No way.\nYou know who likes long-distance?", "Girls. It's all talking and no sex.\nKill me now.", "Hey, don't knock\nlong-distance relationships.", "I really think they can work.", "Really? You?\n- Absolutely.", "I'm juggling four right now.\nThere's Lisa in Madrid.", "There's Erica in Tokyo.\nThere's Laura in Denmark.", "And Kelly on 34th Street.", "The lass thinks", "I'm a humble sheep shearer from Killarney.", "Ted, do you remember in college,", "when Lily did that summer art program\nin Paris?", "Yeah.", "Well, she kept talking\nabout this cheesy French guy, Gabrielle.", "So, I went out to visit\nand there was this party.", "And who shows up but Gabrielle.", "And he's got this weak-ass,\nthin, French moustache.", "Yeah, I'm not much of a fighter, but I knew\nI could take this weird little dude.", "So, I took him aside,\nand I got all creepy quiet", "and got the crazy eyes going. And I said,", "\"You stay away from Lily.\nOr, I swear to God,", "\"I'll eat that moustache\nright off of your ugly French face.\"", "Yeah. No, he literally ran away.\nI think he was crying.", "I never told Lily about it.\nTo be honest, I'm not very proud of it.", "To be even more honest, I am.", "Other than confirming a lot of European\nstereotypes about Americans,", "did that little story have a point?\n- Yeah.", "The point is,\nthat even though Lily is my soul mate,", "long-distance still almost killed us.", "If you think that there's any chance\nthat Victoria's your soul mate,", "you should ask her to stay.", "Well, I don't know if she is. It's still\ntoo early. But, yeah, she could be.", "Oh, please. You barely know this girl.\nWhat's her favorite color?", "Is she a cat person, or a dog person?\nIs she open to a three-way?", "Ted, I do more research than this\nbefore buying a cell phone.", "And, FYI, yes, I have three-way calling.", "Look, she can't be a cat person.\nI'm a dog person.", "I'm attracted to other dog people.", "Are you sure?\n- All right.", "Hello?\n- Hey, random question.", "How do you feel about cats?\n- Cats. Hated the musical, love the animal.", "Good to know. Okay, goodbye.", "She's a cat person.\nI don't know this girl at all.", "Oh, excellent. We'll take this one.\n- This one.", "Hey, hey. It's my suit.\nShouldn't I be the one to choose?", "Here, play with this pincushion.", "God, I'm gonna look hot.", "Marshall, I can't let you waste\na suit this nice", "fighting a losing battle\nfor our planet's survival.", "This is a suit for winners.\nI am getting you an interview at my office.", "We need good men like you\nin our legal department.", "We get sued. A lot.", "No way. The kid does not sell out.", "Oh, come on, dude.\nThree months working with me,", "you'll make more\nthan Lily makes in a year.", "No. I've made my decision.", "So have I. If I ask this girl\nto give up her dreams for me,", "and, two weeks later, it's not working out,\nI'm, like, the biggest jerk of all time.", "It's just too much pressure\non a new relationship.", "I'm gonna tell her to go.", "And so, I met her that night\nto tell her my decision,", "All right, I've been thinking\na lot about this, and...", "Okay, wait. Before you say anything,", "I wanted to give you this.", "This is what happens when you,\nyou know, let them finish baking.", "I want you to stay.", "Everything here is dark and sketchy,\nand seems illegal.", "It's like shopping in Barney's mind.", "Good luck, baby.\n- Bye.", "Now, what sort of dress\ndid you have in mind, dear?", "Nothing too huge or poofy.\nI'm not really a girly girl.", "But I would like to look\nlike a beautiful princess.", "I saw a couple up front that were nice.\n- By the window?", "No offense, dear, but those are\na little out of your price range.", "Where does she get off?", "She doesn't know\nhow much money I make.", "These women are experts.", "They can guess your net annual income\njust by looking at your underwear.", "Damn you, Old Navy\nand your reasonably-priced three-packs.", "Well, at least we get free champagne.\n- And cake.", "Speaking of which, Victoria,", "have you decided what to do\nabout your donut fellowship?", "You know, I don't know. I mean,\nI want to go, but I don't want to lose Ted.", "I even thought about long-distance,\nas if that ever works.", "All talking and no sex. Kill me now.", "I know it sounds lame, but I actually think\nthat Ted might be the one.", "That's pretty hard to walk away from.\n- Well, I don't know.", "I'd feel a little Stepford\nturning down a huge opportunity", "to chase some guy\nI'd only known two months.", "But this isn't just some guy. This is Ted.\nHe's amazing.", "He's the best guy I know.\n- Yeah, in America. But German guys?", "I would let them bread my schnitzel\nany day, if you know what I mean.", "I really don't.\n- Sex.", "Excuse me, ma'am.\nThis bastard's kicked. Thanks.", "That's okay, guys, I hate it.", "Just horrible.\n- It's bad. It's really bad.", "Short in the front, long in the back.\nThat is the mullet of wedding dresses.", "You know, Victoria,\nMarshall and I did long-distance once.", "In college, I did an art course in Paris.\nI was the only American there.", "I was really lonely.\nI only had one friend. Gabrielle.", "And she was kind of homely\nand strange-looking.", "And she was really self-conscious\nabout this little moustache she had.", "Anyway, halfway through the semester,\nshe just stopped talking to me,", "and I never figured out why.", "And then I had nobody.", "The only thing that got me through was", "knowing that my soul mate\nwas back at home waiting for me.", "If Ted's your soul mate,\nthen it may be worth it to hang on to him.", "But how am I supposed to know\nif we're soul mates? It's too soon.", "Speak of the devil.", "Hello?\n- Hey, random question.", "How do you feel about cats?\n- Cats. Hated the musical, love the animal.", "A cat person. Why am I not surprised?\n- Stop it.", "Bye. Why does Ted want to know\nif I like cats?", "Maybe he's gonna buy you one.", "I did hear barking in the background.", "Maybe he was in a pet store.\nDoes he want us to get a cat together?", "Maybe he's using an adorable kitty\nto guilt you into staying.", "That is low.\nDo you really think that's what he's doing?", "Oh, I wouldn't even wait to find out.\nI would be on the next plane to Germany.", "Oh, God. You guys are sucky liars.", "I don't know what to say.\n- Ugly, ugly, ugly.", "You know what?\nWe're doing this all wrong.", "I'm gonna get you one of those\nfront-window dresses. Just for fun.", "Are you okay?\n- I'm fine.", "Okay. Just kind of seems like you're trying\nto hustle Victoria out of the country.", "I'm not. I'm just trying to support her.", "She got a super-important\ndessert scholarship.", "Stop being sarcastic.", "It is a super-important\ndessert scholarship.", "Wow, that's hard to say\nwithout sounding sarcastic.", "Look, I know you're not\nVictoria's biggest fan,", "but she seems to make Ted happy.", "So think about that before you use\nyour miles to buy her a plane ticket.", "Somebody say beautiful princess?", "Oh, my gosh. It's perfect.", "Oh, this dress is totally gonna get me laid\non my wedding night.", "Look how happy she is.\n- Yeah.", "You know, I've always thought of myself\nas one of those independent women", "who would never let any guy\nmess with my career,", "and now I'm actually thinking about it.", "I feel guilty.\nLike it's un-feminist or something.", "I know what you mean.\n- You do?", "Well, I'm always putting my career\nahead of my relationships", "and, to be honest, there's a lot\nof lonely nights in that job description.", "See, that's what I'm afraid of.", "Well, then, choosing Ted over your career\ndoesn't make you un-feminist.", "Maybe it just means\nthat you guys would be happy together.", "Robin, I think that you are the coolest.", "I'm so glad that we're friends.", "Oh, no way, you are the coolest.\n- No. No, you are.", "Okay, I am.", "I'm gonna stay.", "I am so beautiful.\nDon't tell me how much it costs.", "Just snap my neck now\nso I can die this pretty.", "Wow. You look incredible.", "Okay, okay. How much is it?\nOn a scale of never to never ever.", "Never ever, ever, ever,\never times infinity.", "Well, it's okay.", "You know, what makes a bride beautiful", "is that she's just happy\nto be getting married.", "Oh, guys, I know, I look amazing,", "but the important thing is\nthat Marshall and I love each other, right?", "Yes, you're right.", "But, also, you just sat down in the cake.", "But you know what? It's gonna come out,\nbecause it's only chocolate and raspberry.", "Okay, come on. Get up.\nLet us see how bad it is.", "It was like this when I found it.\n- And how will you be paying for this?", "Credit cards.", "I wanted to give you this.", "This is what happens when you,\nyou know, let them finish baking.", "I want you to stay.", "I have to go to Germany.", "You're going?\n- Yes. I have to.", "So that's what you decided?\n- Well, no.", "I mean, I actually came here tonight\nleaning towards staying,", "but when you just told me to stay,\nit made me realize that I have to go.", "What is this, opposite day or something?\n- No.", "So it is?", "Ted, we've only been dating\nfor two months.", "I can't let you make this decision for me.", "I was totally gonna tell you to go,\nbut then you gave me this cupcake,", "and it reminded me how great you are.", "Well, is there any chance that\nyou would move to Germany with me?", "Well, that's just crazy.", "Okay.", "So it's fine for me to make sacrifices\nfor you, but for you, it's crazy.", "But you have a job here and a life.\nI'd have nothing there.", "You'd have me.\n- We've only been dating two months.", "It's not fair.\nIt's not fair that we have to break up.", "I hate this.", "So we're breaking up?", "I guess so.", "I guess so.", "God, that sucks, man. I'm so sorry.", "God, that sucks, man. I'm so sorry.", "It was just too much pressure too soon.\nI mean, maybe it was silly to even think...", "Yes, Marshall, I see your new suit\nand it's awesome.", "Well, thank you for acknowledging it.\nIt's weird that you hadn't.", "Look, I understand that you guys\nhad to break up eventually,", "but why today?\n- She's leaving tomorrow.", "Yeah, but she's still in town.", "Yeah, she's still in town.\n- Yeah.", "So you spend\none more amazing day together.", "Ted, think about it this way,", "if you knew that you were gonna\nlose your leg tomorrow,", "would you sit on the couch\nand cry about it,", "or would you run and jump", "and do some awesome air kicks\nwhile you still could?", "Awesome air kicks, huh?", "New pajama bottoms?\n- You know it.", "So, we can sit around and cry,", "or we can run and do awesome air kicks\nbefore our leg gets chopped off.", "Wait, so we're sharing the leg?\n- No, the leg is a metaphor.", "How could the leg be well enough\nto do awesome air kicks one day", "and yet still so sick\nit needs to be chopped off the next?", "I don't know, Ted.\n- Come on.", "We've had a good run. Why end on a fight?", "Well, what would you want to do?", "Let's do all the stuff\nwe talked about doing", "and never got around to.\n- Like go to the Met?", "Yeah, we'll walk across\nthe Brooklyn Bridge.", "See some monkeys at the zoo.", "Go to that French-Vietnamese place\nwe keep passing and say we want to try.", "Wow. We better get going.\n- Yeah.", "Big day.\n- Yeah.", "And kids, that's exactly\nwhat we did with our last day,", "The museum, The bridge, The restaurant,", "And all of those nice things,", "Lily, you have to tell him.\nThat dress cost a fortune.", "No. I am just gonna wait for\nthe next time Marshall really screws up", "and then I'll just slip this in,\nand it won't seem so bad by comparison.", "Well, here's hoping he cheats on you.\n- Yeah, but only like second base.", "Look at us. Two guys in suits.\nYou feel that slight tingle?", "That's every girl in the bar wanting you,\nand every guy wanting to be you.", "Actually, it's mostly me,\nbut you're getting some of the splash.", "Hey, babe. Dollar beer night.\nSo I splurged and got us each our own.", "So, have you thought any more\nabout coming to work for Barney Corp?", "Oh, please.\nYour company is not called Barney Corp.", "Yet.", "I almost forgot. Sergei sent me your bill.", "Barney, this says $4,000.", "I thought you said\nthat it was one-third price!", "Must be a $12,000 dollar suit.", "Oh, well, guess you'll have\nto come work at my company.", "You set this up.\nYou set this whole thing up.", "I most certainly did!", "Well, it won't work.", "Even if I have to get two extra night jobs,\nI'll pay your precious tailor.", "I'm not selling my soul.", "Baby, I know that\nthis will make things harder,", "but I will make it work. I promise.", "I destroyed an $8,000 wedding dress.", "What time is the interview?\n- 9:00 a.m.", "And you'll need new shoes. Don't worry.\nI know a guy.", "Well, I'm glad we got to spend the day\ndoing awesome air kicks.", "Yeah. I was almost too tired\nfor all the sex.", "I'm gonna miss you so much.\n- I'm gonna miss you, too.", "Hey, you know. I mean, if when I get back,\nwe're still single we can...", "Even if we're not.", "Okay.", "Look, I know it never works for anyone,\nbut do you wanna try long-distance?", "Yes. Yes.", "We can beat the odds.\n- Odds, schmodds.", "It's gonna work.\nWe're gonna make it work. It'll work.", "It didn't work,", "Long-distance was and is a terrible idea,", "A really terrible idea, Just awful,", "But more on that later,"], "How I Met Your Mother S01E17 Life Among the Gorillas": ["When your Uncle Marshall\nwas 10 years old,", "he read a book called\nLife Among The Gorillas.", "It was written by an anthropologist\nnamed Dr., Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez,", "and it told the story of the year she spent", "living among the western lowland gorillas\nof Cameroon,", "When Dr., Birnholz-Vazquez", "came to the local community college\nto give a lecture,", "Marshall, the youngest member\nof the audience,", "raised his hand with a question,", "What advice do you have\nfor a budding anthropologist?", "So, you want to be an anthropologist?", "Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live\nwith the gorillas just like you did.", "What she said next\nchanged his life,", "Oh, that's wonderful,\nbut I'm afraid you can't.", "They'll all be dead by then.", "And if economic sanctions\nand trade restrictions aren't enforced,", "the destruction of the rainforests\nwill continue,", "and over a million species\nwill be wiped out.", "So you don't want coffee?", "I'm saying that the coffee industry\nis causing irreversible...", "All right, I'm pouring it out.\n- Okay, one cup.", "Kid needs to be alert.\nFirst day on the job and everything.", "Still can't believe you're going\nall corporate on us.", "The Kid has become the man.", "Okay, it's just an internship\nto make a little money.", "After law school,\nI'm still gonna work for the NRDC.", "They're gonna stop global warming.", "Well, I mean,\nthey did their best,", "Here's your sack lunch.", "Okay. I love you because, one,\nyou made me a sack lunch,", "and, two, you laugh\nevery time you say the word \"sack.\"", "I love you, Marshmallow.\n- I love you.", "I love you, too, Marshmallow.", "Uh-oh.", "Ted?\n- Oh, no!", "No, she didn't.\n- Yeah. Yeah, she did.", "Another care package?", "Another care package,", "I'd been in a long-distance relationship\nwith Victoria for nearly a month,", "Long-distance relationships are a bad idea,", "How many is that so far?\n- Three.", "And how many have you sent her?", "In the mail or in my mind? Zero.", "She's up three-zip.", "Oh! Cupcakes. Great.", "I bet they're delicious, too.", "Yeah. They're delicious.", "Damn it!", "I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes.", "God, I hate myself right now.", "God, that is so me at 15.", "Marshall was going to work\nfor a big corporation called Altrucel,", "Altrucel was most well-known\nfor making the yellow fuzzy stuff", "on the surface of tennis balls,", "I mean, this was a huge company,\nso they did other things,", "But mostly, they wanted the public\nto focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff,", "Anyway, Marshall managed to score\nan internship in their legal department", "because he knew someone\nwho worked there,", "Go for Barney.", "Mr., Stinson,\nthis is Willis from lobby security,", "Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports\nof a Sasquatch loose in the building,", "A Sasquatch?\n- That's right, sir, A Bigfoot,", "We don't want to alarm you,\nbut he's been spotted on your floor,", "Yes! Look at you.", "You're suited in an unmistakably\nupward direction.", "Whoa! That is a butt-load\nof motivational posters.", "Yeah. Hell, yeah. I got them all.\n\"Teamwork, courage, awesomeness.\"", "There's one for awesomeness?\n- Yeah. I had it made.", "Sit.\n- Hey, so, now that I'm working here,", "are you finally gonna tell me\nexactly what your job is?", "Please.", "My dawg!\n- My dawg!", "Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall.\nThese guys are in legal.", "You're gonna be working with them.", "Marshall Eriksen. Nice to meet you.", "Nice tie. Steak sauce.\n- Oh, steak sauce. For true, though.", "Where? I don't see any...\n- Marshall, sidebar.", "Your tie is steak sauce. It means A-1.\nA-1? Get it? Try to keep up.", "Okay, Eriksen. Let's get to work.\nIt's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside.", "Ding-dong. What? The doorbell?", "Oh, hello, Jessica Alba,\nin a trench coat and nothing else.", "But wait. Knock, knock.\nSomebody's at the back door?", "I don't have a back door, so...\n- Oh, my gosh.", "Jessica Simpson? What a surprise.", "Two Jessicas. You gotta pick one.\nWhat do you do? Go.", "Right, well, I'm engaged, so...", "Fianc\u00c3\u00a9e's out of town.\nWhat do you do? Go!", "We're still engaged, even if she's out...", "Okay, fianc\u00c3\u00a9e's dead. Hit by a bus.\nWhat do you do? Go.", "Mmm.\n- Mmm.", "Sure you don't want one?\n- How many of those have you eaten?", "Fourteen.", "No. Just four.", "And the icing from two more.\n- Mmm.", "So, anyway. Here's the problem.", "Hey, it's Ted. I guess you're asleep.", "Anyway, I got the care package\nand it's just great.", "Here, listen.", "So, I'm standing there,", "my mouth full of this delicious,\nrelationship-winning cupcake,", "and I said something dumb.", "Oh, and don't worry. Yours is in the mail.\nI sent it a couple days ago.", "And it's awesome. Really, really awesome.", "Why did I say that?\nI think frosting makes me lie.", "Oh, Teddy boy.", "Yeah. So now, whatever I send her, she'll\nknow I sent it after I talked to her.", "So, that's the problem. You work on that.\nI'm gonna eat this cupcake.", "All right, here's what you do.", "Put together a care package of stuff\nfrom New York.", "Some H&H Bagels,\nan Empire State Building key chain,", "and then, top off the package\nwith a New York Times, ready?", "From three days ago.", "That's brilliant.\n- Mmm.", "You're brilliant.", "You know, it's funny, not so long ago,", "I was coming to Marshall and Lily\nfor advice on how to impress you.", "That is funny.", "And here's why it was funny,", "Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier,", "here's what Robin was saying to Lily\nabout me,", "Okay, fine! I have feelings for him.", "Now, it's ironic the girl I used to like\nis helping me impress the girl I now like.", "The irony is clear, Ted.", "Hey! How was your first day?\n- I don't want to talk about it.", "The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks.", "What?\n- They're jerks.", "Well, what makes them jerks?\n- Forget it. I don't want to talk about it.", "Well, like today at lunch.", "What you got there, Eriksen?\nMommy pack your lunch?", "For your information, my fianc\u00c3\u00a9e did.", "Oh! Does she cut the crusts\noff your sandwich, too?", "No.", "What's that?\n- Nothing. Give it!", "\"Dear Marshmallow, good luck today.\nI love you! Lilypad.\"", "Give it!", "\"P.S. If you've unfolded this note, your\nkiss already got out. Quick, catch it!\"", "Give it back! Hey, give it! Give me!\nGive it!", "Oh, screw those guys. We're adorable.\n- I know.", "God! It's like freshman\nyear, all over again.", "Only, this time, my sweet dance moves\naren't gonna be enough to win them over.", "Not even Old Reliable.", "Sweetie, it would be cool\nto have some extra money,", "but if you're unhappy, it's not worth it.", "I quit.\n- What? No. You...", "We're having so much fun.\nYou, me, working together. It's great.", "We're not even working together, Barney.\nI'm in the legal department and you're...", "Seriously, what is it that you do?\n- Please.", "I'm sorry. Dude, this corporate thing,\nit's just... It's not for me.", "No, of course it's not for you.", "It's for Lily.", "What?\n- Marshall, Lily's a catch.", "But do you really think you're gonna\nhang on to a girl that great", "without the package?\n- The package?", "The package. The house, the car,\nsending your kids to a great school.", "A vacation once in a while.\n- Lily doesn't care about that stuff.", "Well, no. Now she doesn't.", "But how's she gonna feel\nin a couple of years", "when she's supporting you\non a kindergarten-teacher's salary,", "while you're off in court,", "defending some endangered\nSouth American flying beaver.", "I know.", "She'll be happy.\n- Okay.", "But will you be happy,", "knowing you could have\nmade her a lot happier?", "And all four are totally naked.\nYou gotta choose one.", "What do you do? Go.", "I guess, uh, Bea Arthur.", "Wrong. Betty White.", "Clean this stuff up, Eriksen.", "So, did she get\nthe awesome care package, yet?", "Yep. Yesterday.", "Did she love it?\n- Oh, she loved it.", "So, what's the problem?", "So, I was talking to her last night,\nand I should tell you,", "we've been talking on the phone\nevery other night,", "for, like, an hour and a half. Eventually,\nyou just run out of stuff to say.", "What did you have for lunch today?", "Mmm-hmm.", "Oh, rye bread.", "Oh.", "Mmm-hmm.", "Yeah.", "Mmm.", "Oh, Teddy boy.", "I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend,", "but this never-seeing-each-other thing,\nit's a bitch.", "Maybe it just can't be done.", "I think it's clear what I have to do.", "It's pretty clear.", "I have to go to Germany and surprise her.", "Totally what I was thinking.\nGet out of my head, man.", "Barney, how do I get these idiots\nto leave me alone?", "Marshall, consider the penguins.", "The penguins?\n- On the wall.", "\"Conformity. It's the one who's different\nthat gets left out in the cold.\"", "This is a motivational poster?", "Look at yourself, Marshall.\nYou're not happy.", "And you know why?\nBecause you're different.", "Now, I suppose you could learn\nto love yourself", "for the unique little snowflake\nthat you are.", "Or you could change\nyour entire personality,", "which is just so much easier.", "Change your personality? That is so awful.\nAnd not at all motivational.", "Not necessarily.\nOkay, at first, I was appalled.", "But then I realized", "it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez\nin Life Among The Gorillas,", "No, I have to gain the acceptance\nof the herd", "by behaving exactly like one of them.", "It's an anthropological study.\nIsn't that cool?", "Well, it sounds kind of like peer pressure.", "No, no, no. It's totally anthropological.", "And it's cool. And I'm doing it.", "Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure.\nWe have an assembly every year.", "I'm portraying someone\nwho succumbs to peer pressure.", "All right.", "But if those guys try to pressure you\nto smoke, what do you say?", "Only when I'm drunk.\n- Good boy.", "And so,\nto fit in with the gorillas,", "Marshall had to learn\nto act like a gorilla,", "And that meant gorilla lessons,", "Okay. I'm psyched about this.\nBut if I'm gonna mentor you,", "I need to know\nyou're psyched about this, too.", "Oh, I am. I'm psyched.", "Yeah, but it's one thing to say it.\nIt's another thing to show it.", "Show it.", "I'm psyched.", "What was that?", "Marshall, I should feel\ntremors of psychetude", "rock my body like a seizure.", "That was like a declawed, pregnant cat\non a porch swing idly swatting at a fly", "on a lazy Sunday afternoon.", "Wow, that was really specific.\n- Show me you're psyched!", "Let's do this!", "That hurt!\n- So badly!", "And then you slip it to the guy\nwith a discreet handshake,", "and he'll get it done.\n- Right.", "Get what done?", "Whatever.\n- Cool. And what guy is this?", "There's always a guy.\n- Okay. All right. I, uh...", "I think I'm ready.\n- You sure?", "You want to practice your story\none more time?", "All right.", "So, dude, check it. I'm in San Diego\nwith two of my brosephs from Kappa,", "and they're all, \"Yo, Eriksen,\nlet's roll to the strip clubs!\"", "So, I'm like, \"A-snappa-doo!\"", "So we find this choice nudie nest\nnear the airport.", "And that is when the bouncer\nkicked us out.", "Now, I have no idea\nif Svetlana ever got her green card,", "but, dudes, fake diamond ring?", "Worth every penny, bro.", "Eriksen, that was steak sauce!", "Awesome, bro.\n- Yeah. Yeah.", "Get out!\n- Great story.", "The next morning,\nI was about to buy my ticket to Germany,", "when I got an e-mail,", "Uh-oh.", "\"Hey, Ted.\nSorry I missed your call last night.", "\"This long-distance thing sucks, huh?", "\"Listen, I've been thinking\nand I really need to talk to you tonight.", "\"I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria.\"", "So?\n- So, she's gonna dump me.", "Has anyone ever said,\n\"Listen, I've been thinking,\"", "and then followed it up\nwith something good?", "It's not like, \"Listen, I've been thinking,\nNutter Butters are an underrated cookie.\"", "What else could it be?", "What could she possibly have to say to me\nthat she couldn't write in an e-mail?", "I cut off all my fingers.", "Ted, you're a great guy. I know it.\nYou know it. She knows it.", "I would bet you a gazillion dollars.\nNo, I'm even more confident.", "I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars\nthat she's not calling to break up with you.", "Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy.", "So I should still buy\nthat plane ticket, right?", "I'd wait.", "'Sup, Blauman. E-Bomb here.", "We still on for karaoke?", "Dope!", "I'm gonna rock you on the mike so hard\nyour ears are gonna bleed gravy.", "Catch you on the flip, butt puppet.", "Okay.", "What do you think?\n- Steak sauce.", "Steak sauce?\n- Yeah.", "Yeah, look, you know,", "whatever anthropology you do at work\nis your business.", "But, please,\ndon't act like that around here.", "Lily, when Doctor Aurelia Birnholz...", "No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline\ncame home from the gorillas,", "she didn't run around\npicking nits out of people's hair", "and throwing feces.", "I'm begging you. Just\nleave it at the office.", "Why?", "Because you're acting\nlike one of those guys,", "and those guys are lame.", "Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes.\nBut they're actually good guys,", "and if you got to know them,\nthen you would see that.", "Look, come karaoke with us tonight,", "and you'll see how totally\nnot that lame they are.", "Okay?\n- Okay.", "But, wait. Knock, knock, back door.", "Who's there?\nAngelina Jolie, wait, in a wheelchair.", "What do you do? Go.", "Dude, Scarlett Johansson with no arms\nany day of the week!", "You're right. They're delightful.", "So, Barney, you gonna sing anything?", "I'm so over karaoke.", "Really? I thought you'd be totally into it.", "Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good.\nThe best, really.", "But it's the greatest samurai\nwho lets his sword rust in its scabbard.", "Oh, baby, they have our song.\nLet's do Don't Go Breaking My Heart,", "What?", "Don't Go Breaking My Heart,\nElton John. Kiki Dee.", "No way.", "You gotta go with some Black Sabbath.\n- Oh.", "Well, actually, Marshall and I have\nthis little dance routine we do...", "Iron Man, I could do Iron Man,", "Steak sauce.\n- Steak sauce, dude.", "Should we tell him?", "All right, Eriksen,\nI've got some good news.", "On Monday, Bilson and I\nare gonna talk to Montague in HR.", "When you graduate,\nwe want you working with us.", "What do you say?", "Yes!\n- My man!", "We are gonna have a hoot.", "We're gonna own the office.\n- Steak sauce.", "Okay, that was gross.", "When were you gonna tell me\nyou changed your entire career path?", "Nothing has changed, okay?\nI still want to help the environment.", "I just thought that maybe\nI can make some money for a few years.", "We could buy an apartment,\nsend our kids to good schools.", "You could quit your job\nand focus on your painting,", "I know that you say you don't need it,", "but I love you\nand I want to give it to you anyway.", "I want to give you the package.", "The package?", "You've already given me the package.\nYou've got a great package, Marshall.", "I love your package.", "Lily, you're the most\nincredible woman I know", "and you deserve a big package.", "Your package has always been big enough.", "You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen,", "but you've got a huge package.", "Yeah.", "Hello?\n- Why hasn't she called yet?", "Okay, you're making yourself crazy.", "It's Saturday night.\nGo out and do something.", "No, what's the point of going out?\nI got a girlfriend. For now.", "Besides, if I go out,\nwho's gonna watch the news?", "I'm like half your viewership.", "Oh, I'm flattered\nyou think we have two viewers.", "She's not gonna break up with you, Ted.\nYou're awesome.", "Thanks. Anyway, it's almost 11:00.\nI should let you go.", "Break a leg.", "And so, as I sat at home,\nwaiting for the phone to ring,", "something occurred to me,", "I'm actually sitting at home,\nwaiting for the phone to ring.", "Marshall.\n- Hey.", "Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you\nin a month.", "Yeah.", "Yeah. How're you doing?", "I think Victoria's\nabout to break up with me.", "Oh, God. I'm sorry, man.", "Yeah, well,", "honestly, I'm having trouble\nremembering what she looks like.", "The more I try to picture her,\nthe more I can't.", "Like, I remember how she makes me feel,\nI just don't completely remember her.", "It's like I'm trying to preserve something\nthat's already gone.", "Preserving something that's already gone.", "Sounds like environmental law.", "I don't know.", "I mean, we struggle so hard\nto hold on to these things", "that we know\nare gonna disappear eventually.", "And that's really noble.", "But even if you save every rainforest\nfrom being turned into a parking lot,", "well, then,\nwhere are you gonna park your car?", "Rockupied, Dude, what...", "Next up, Marshmallow and Lilypad,", "It turns out\nsome things are worth preserving,", "But here's the real\nquestion, It's 2.00 a.m.", "Your friends are still out singing karaoke,\nbut you're home early,", "because you're expecting a call\nfrom your girlfriend in Germany", "who was supposed to call four hours ago,", "And then the phone rings,", "Hello?", "Hi, Ted, it's Robin.", "Um, listen, I know it's late,\nbut do you want to come over?", "What do you do? Go,"], "How I Met Your Mother S01E18 Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M.": ["Previously on How I Met Your Mother.", "She was completely amazing,", "She was amazing and funny and...", "You have feelings for Ted?\n- Maybe.", "I've just been offered a fellowship\nat a culinary institute in Germany.", "Do you wanna try long distance?\n- Yes!", "\"This long distance thing sucks, huh?", "\"And I really need to talk to you tonight.\"", "She's gonna dump me!\n- She's not gonna break up with you, Ted.", "Hello?", "Do you want to come over?", "Kids, your grandma\nalways used to say to me,", "\"Nothing good happens after 2.00 a.m.\"", "She was right,\nWhen 2.00 a.m. rolls around,", "just go home and go to sleep,", "Case in point...", "Hello?\n- Hi, Ted, it's Robin.", "Listen, I know it's late,\nbut do you want to come over?", "Let's back up a little bit,", "Sit.", "Good boys. Okay.", "Remember, stay out of the liquor cabinet.", "See you tonight.", "So, the life of a television reporter\nis very rewarding,", "and I strongly urge you\nto consider it as a career.", "Thank you.", "Yeah.\n- Do you have a fianc\u00c3\u00a9?", "Marshall was here yesterday.\nThey just learned the word \"fianc\u00c3\u00a9.\"", "No, I don't have a fianc\u00c3\u00a9.", "Then who do you live with?", "Well, actually, I've got five dogs.", "Don't you get lonely?", "No, I've got five dogs.", "My Grandma has five cats\nand she gets lonely.", "Well, yeah, that's cats.\nI'm not some pathetic cat lady.", "Not that your grandmother is...", "Does anyone else have a...", "Yes.\n- Are you a lesbian?", "No, are you? Just because a woman\nlives alone doesn't mean she's a...", "Okay. Let's have a big hand\nfor Robin the reporter!", "All right, our next guest\nis another friend...", "So, Robin, you ever report on train wrecks\n'cause I just saw one. What up. Tiny five.", "Laugh now. Those kids are monsters.\nThey're gonna eat you alive.", "He has a job doing...", "What do you do?\n- Please.", "Kids, let's rap.", "You guys don't give half a brown Crayola\nwhat I do for a living, do you?", "No.\n- No, no. I know what you want.", "Magic.\n- Yeah!", "Hello?\n- Why hasn't she called yet?", "Okay, you're making yourself crazy.", "It's Saturday night.\nGo out and do something.", "No, what's the point of going out?\nI got a girlfriend. For now.", "Besides, if I go out,\nwho's gonna watch the news?", "I'm like half your viewership.", "I'm flattered\nyou think we have two viewers.", "And, we're clear.", "So, Scherbatsky. Got a boyfriend?", "No, and why does this\nkeep coming up today?", "I just thought that guy you\nwere on the phone with...", "What? Oh, no. That was Ted.\nHe's just a friend.", "I mean, there was this moment\nwhere we almost dated,", "but we want completely different things.", "Anyway, now he has his girlfriend\nin Germany", "and he thinks she's calling\nto dump him tonight,", "but I don't think she is.", "And, besides,\nwe want completely different things.", "We should have sex.\n- What?", "Why not?", "We're both available. We're both\nattractive. We're both good at it.", "At least, I'm good at it.", "And even if you're not, don't worry.\nI'll have a good time either way.", "Well, moving past the horrifying image\nof your hair helmet", "clanging against the headboard,", "I don't get involved\nwith people I work with.", "Get involved? Who said get involved?\nI'm just saying we should have sex.", "We're on in five, four...\n- It'd be fun.", "Having sex is fun.", "Home number. Call me anytime.", "A lot of local teams in action tonight.", "Hey, guys.", "Miss me?", "I missed you, too.", "Hi, Ted, it's Robin.", "Listen, I know it's late,\nbut do you want to come over?", "Ted?\n- Yeah. Hi, I'm here.", "Do you want to come over?\n- Why? What's up?", "Well, I just finally set up my new juicer,", "and I was gonna make some juice.\nAnd I was like,", "\"You know who likes juice? Ted.\"", "I love juice.", "Great, so you want to come over\nand make juice?", "When it's after 2.00 a.m. just go to sleep,", "Because the decisions you make after\n2.00 a.m. are the wrong decisions,", "Okay, sure, I'll come over, we'll", "juice.\n- Yes, we'll juice.", "Okay.\n- Okay, bye.", "Bye.", "This is fine. This is totally fine.", "What's fine?", "Oh, I'm going over to this girl's house\nto make some juice.", "Nice.", "No, it's not like that.\nWe're juicing as friends.", "See, I have this girlfriend.", "I would never cheat on her.\nShe lives in Germany.", "See, she was supposed to call me\nfour hours ago to have a serious talk.", "I still haven't heard from her.\nI don't know.", "Sorry to bug you with my problems.", "Guess cab drivers\nare the new bartenders, huh?", "You ain't kidding, kid.", "Want a nip?", "You could just let me out right up here.", "Where are you going to buddy?\n- Park Slope, Eighth and Eighth.", "Okay, here's where I left off\nwith the last guy.", "See, I have a girlfriend, but I'm going\nover to this other girl's house...", "And you're wondering if I'd be upset.", "Hi, Ted. Remember me? Your girlfriend.", "Okay, relax. Robin's just a friend.", "Right. You're gonna go make some juice.", "Yes, yes. Juice is perfectly harmless.", "In fact, it's healthy.", "Oh, yeah? Then why are you wondering\nwhat she looks like naked?", "I am not...", "Okay, even if I am wondering that,\nit's only 'cause you put it in my head.", "But I am just a manifestation\nof your subconscious,", "so actually, you put it in your own head.", "Damn it!", "Nothing's gonna happen.", "Right.\n- Okay, okay. You want a second opinion?", "Fine.", "Hey. Did she call?", "No. I need a ruling.", "I'm... Yeah, this is stupid.\nIt's not even a big deal,", "but I'm on my way over to Robin's\nright now.", "She got a new juicer. Whatever.\nWe're gonna test it out.", "Let me call you back.", "Honey, there's a situation developing.", "Do you remember the huge secret\nthat you told me", "that you weren't supposed to, but you did?", "The thing about Robin?", "You mean, how Robin's in love with Ted?", "You mean, how Robin's in love with Ted?", "What?\n- What?", "Yeah. She told me already. Go on.", "Wait. So I'm the only one\nthat she didn't tell?", "She told you and not me?", "Well, I guess I'm just better friends\nwith her than you are.", "Well, I'm better friends with Ted\nthan you are.", "That is a lie.\n- It is not a lie.", "Okay, that's it. You and me.\n- You think you can take me? Come on!", "I'm not afraid of you!\nYou're embarrassing your...", "I'll show you things\nyou've never seen before!", "Come on. Pick up.", "Damn it, Victoria. Where are you?", "Pick up! Pick up!", "Cupcake?\n- No, thanks.", "Where are you? Why haven't you called?", "I'm out hooking up.", "With three other guys.", "Or maybe I'm a devoted girlfriend\nand I'm calling you right now.", "Yeah, why do I doubt that?", "Hello?\n- Ted. I just saw the news,", "and a truck carrying sulfuric acid\noverturned right in front of Robin's house.", "And it's melting through the sidewalk,", "You can see straight down into Hell.", "It's bad. You should go home, dude.", "Marshall, it's fine.\nNothing's gonna happen.", "Ted, what does your Mom always say?\n- Nothing good ever...", "Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m.\nGo home! It's too late for juice.", "Dude, Robin and I are just friends.\nShe doesn't even like me that way.", "Yes, she does! She likes you. She told me.", "What?\n- It's a big secret.", "So don't tell her I told you,\nbut she's very vulnerable right now.", "And you have a girlfriend. Go home, Ted.", "She likes me?\n- Yes,", "So you see why it would be\na very bad idea for you to go up there,", "Go home, Ted,", "She likes me?", "Go home, Ted.", "You're right, I'll see you at home.", "Good. He's going home.", "He is so not going home.", "I cannot believe you just told him that.", "What do you mean?\n- Lily, here's what you just said,", "\"Ted, whatever you do,", "\"don't go up there. There's a beautiful\ngirl who wants to have sex with you.\"", "And then she's gonna\nmake you some delicious juice!", "No. He's not going up there.\nHe has more sense than that.", "I did have more sense than that,", "Keep the change. Thanks.\n- Thanks.", "But after 2.00 a.m.,\nmy good sense was sound asleep,", "So, you're doing this?\nYou're going up there?", "You want to get out of the way?", "I'm not in the way.", "You know, if you had just called me, I...", "Hi!\n- Hey.", "I got some vegetables. I got carrots.\nI got beets.", "Or we could just drink wine.", "Wine not. Wow, that's the stupidest thing\nI ever said.", "Thanks.", "Make it a big glass.", "Sure.", "So, how's it hanging? \"How's it hanging?\"", "Haven't you ever had one of those days", "where nothing at all\nthat monumental happens,", "but, by the end of it, you have no idea\nwho you are anymore,", "or what the hell you're doing\nwith your life?", "Do you ever have one of those days?", "About once a week.", "I don't know. It was just a rough day,", "and the only person I wanted to see\nat the end of it was you.", "So, how was the big phone call\nwith your girlfriend?", "When the clock strikes two,\njust go to sleep,", "We broke up.", "What?", "Yeah. Yeah. She finally called.", "We talked for a while.\nHow hard long distance is,", "and then she dumped me.", "Ted, I'm so sorry.", "That's just terrible.", "I feel awful.", "You're smiling.", "Am I? No, I'm not.", "Well, I'm a news anchor.", "Smiling is a part of the job.", "Thousands died\nin a tragic avalanche today.", "See?", "You're smiling, too.", "Yeah.", "I have no idea what that's all about.", "How much does Korean Elvis rock?", "I'll answer that. Infinity.", "He rocks infinity.", "Okay, it's time for bed.", "What? No. It's 2:30.", "And nothing good ever happens\nafter 2:00 a.m.", "You know, I have found in my travels", "that all the best things in life\nhappen after 2:00 a.m.", "When I look back\nat the best stories of my life,", "the Liberty Bell incident, the little\nscrape I got in at the Russian embassy,", "the almost four-way.\n- You never had a four-way.", "I said \"almost\"!\n- Well, all right.", "All those things happened after 2:00 a.m.", "Because after 2:00 a.m. Is when things get,\naudience, say it with me, legendary!", "We gotta go.\n- What's that? \"Interesting theory, Barney,", "\"but I'll need some proof.\" Okay.", "Korean Elvis. How would you like\nto have a drink with me and my friends?", "Rock 'n' roll.", "And it begins.", "So, hey. I got a new phone.", "Same as yours. Look.", "Oh, yeah, do you like it?", "Yeah. Yeah.", "This is some solid small talk.", "I had that other phone, and it was good,", "but I think, the whole time,\na little part of me", "wanted this phone instead.", "This phone", "feels right.", "Oh, wow. Weird.", "Yeah, I should probably take this.", "I'll be here.", "Hello?\n- Ted. This is your main man K.E.", "I want you to shake your tail feather\ndown here ASAP. You dig?", "Okay. Sorry about that.", "Who... Was that Korean Elvis?", "I'll explain later.\nHey, we're heading down to MacLaren's.", "Actually, I'm at Robin's.", "Yeah, and I might have done\nsomething bad.", "I just lied and told her I broke up\nwith Victoria.", "Ted, I don't want to swear\nin front of Korean Elvis,", "but what the bleep are you doing, dude?", "What do you expect from me? It's Robin!", "Victoria's great, but it's Robin!", "I've made up my mind,\nI'm gonna end it with Victoria.", "Gonna?\n- Yes. First thing tomorrow.", "Okay, but as of right now,", "at 2:45 a.m. You still have a girlfriend.", "Ted, I love you. I love Robin.", "But if you do this right now,", "your entire future with her\nwill be built on a crime!", "Just go home, Ted,\nDon't do this the wrong way!", "I hate how you're always right.", "It's my best and most annoying trait.", "Okay.", "I'm coming home. I'll see you soon.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "I should probably get going.\nIt's pretty late.", "I'm sorry. I...\n- Oh, no. I understand. It's fine. Yeah.", "Can I call you tomorrow?\n- Totally.", "Totally. Call me tomorrow.\n- Okay.", "Good night, Robin.\n- Good night, Ted.", "Oh, my God! We're making out.", "Right!\n- This is crazy.", "Right! Right!", "Should we go to my room?\nI mean, there's five dogs in there, but...", "Yeah.\n- Yeah?", "Yeah.", "I just, I have to run to the bathroom.\nReal quick.", "Okay.", "Stop doing that!", "What are you doing?", "I'm calling you.", "We're breaking up.\nI'm doing this right now.", "I'm coming out of this bathroom\na single man.", "Okay.", "Say, Ted, how long do you think\nthat conversation's gonna be?", "Length of an average pee? No.", "We're gonna be on the phone\nfor at least 20 minutes.", "Robin's out there. She's gonna think\nyou're in here taking a massive...", "What do you want from me?\nPeople break up. It happens.", "Not like this.", "Not from the bathroom of the girl\nthat you're about to sleep with.", "It's not ideal.", "Meanwhile, back at the bar,", "Barney was still trying to prove that\ngood things can happen after 2.00 a.m.", "Come on, Lily!", "How many women can say they've been\npersonally serenaded by Korean Elvis?", "I think he just spout on me.", "Barney, you tried. I think that's great.\nBut we're going.", "No. No, come on!\n- Yes!", "Dude. We haven't hit legendary yet.\nWe're only at the \"le.\"", "We still got the \"gen,\" the \"da,\" the \"ry.\"", "Okay, if we're at the \"le,\"", "then I say we follow it up\nwith a \"t's go home.\"", "Oh, wow! You just got burned.\nPhonics style!", "No, no, no, no. Baby, baby, baby, don't go.", "Just one dance, huh?\n- Okay, seriously.", "Hey, I know what you like.", "And so, Barney was right,", "The night was legendary,", "It would come to be known as the time\nLily kicked Korean Elvis in the nards,", "Hey, you guys remember that time\nthat Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the nards?", "You're right.", "You're right.", "I owe you a real breakup call.", "I'll call you tomorrow.", "Good. So, you're gonna go home?", "Why should I have to go home?", "You know, there's every chance\nRobin's the woman I'm gonna marry.", "Ted.\n- It could happen!", "And so, really, what's it gonna matter\nin 50 years if I jump the gun by one night?", "Look, I know this is a moral gray area, but", "it's Robin.", "And I'm exhausted.", "I am. I'm exhausted from pretending\nI'm not in love with her.", "I think that makes this okay.", "Oh, please. You just want to get laid!", "Yes, I do. You got me.", "That is exactly what I want right now.\nAnd so what?", "I want this. She wants this.", "It's happening. And if you have a problem\nwith it, don't be in Germany!", "It's been nice pretending to talk to you.", "Thanks for not calling me and good night.", "That's not your phone.", "This isn't my phone.", "Okay. Bye.", "I thought it was mine, so I answered it.", "Was it...\n- It was your girlfriend.", "You might want to call her back.", "I called Victoria from the cab,\nand we broke up,", "Yes, I'm...", "And there you have it, kids,", "The stupidest thing I've ever done,", "In one night, I managed to hurt\ntwo people I cared about,", "And none of it would've happened\nif I had just listened to my mom,", "So, I guess if there's a lesson\nto be learned here, it's this,", "when it's after 2.00 a.m.,", "just go to sleep."], "How I Met Your Mother S01E19 Mary the Paralegal": ["Her favorite CD\nin the Otis Redding box set? Disk three.", "My favorite? Any guesses? Anyone?", "Come on. Disk three!", "God, Victoria's so amazing.\nI could talk about her for hours.", "What do you mean could?", "I'm sorry. It's just...", "God, I'm crazy about this girl.\nIt feels like, maybe...", "I don't wanna say it.\n- Trust that impulse, Ted.", "Hey, something kind of cool\njust happened.", "My story on Pickles, the singing dog,", "just got nominated\nfor a Local Area Media Award.", "A LAMA?\n- We prefer Local Area Media Award.", "Um, there's gonna be this big banquet.", "I know these things aren't much fun,", "but it would really mean a lot to me\nif you guys came.", "Oh, well...", "And there's an open bar.", "Oh, yes!\n- Word up!", "Put me down for two.", "Really? It's three months away.\n- I know.", "But, guys, I'm sorry, I'm gonna say it.", "I have a feeling Victoria's gonna be around\nfor a long time.", "I'm gonna miss Victoria.", "I should just skip this thing entirely.", "Robin is still pissed at me after,\nyou know...", "You lied and said you were broken up\nwith Victoria before you actually were,", "so you could try to nail Robin,", "and you wound up losing both girls\nin one night.", "Yes, that's what I meant by, \"You know...\"", "I haven't seen her in three weeks.\nShe won't return my calls.", "Look, I shouldn't go.\n- You should definitely go.", "Look, it's a chance to show her", "you're still friends\nand that you support her.", "Or it's a chance to mess with her head\nby showing up with someone hotter.", "Even better, triple threat,\nhotter and bigger boobs.", "That's only two.\n- Count again.", "Barney, I'm not bringing a date\neven if I wanted to.", "The thing's in two hours.", "So get an escort.\n- By escort, you mean prostitute?", "Why not?\n- Because gross?", "Oh, what, gross?", "What, you have some puritanical hang-up\nabout prostitution?", "Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.", "You really think that's true?\n- Oh, yeah.", "I bet even Cro-Magnons\nused to give cave-hookers,", "like, an extra fish for putting out.", "Uh-huh. So, then, the oldest profession\nwould be fisherman. Kaboom!", "You've been lawyered.", "Come on, Ted. Let's get you a hooker.\nIt'll be fun.", "Okay. To bring to the banquet\nand hang out with ironically", "or to actually have sex with?\n- Yes.", "No, it's illegal. And did I mention gross?", "That's adorable.\nTed, you're such a hayseed.", "The companionship business\nis the growth industry of the 21st century.", "You do realize that one out of every eight\nadult women in America is a prostitute.", "You just made that up.\n- Withdrawn.", "Lawyered.", "The point is... How long has it been?", "Fifty-seven days.", "Is that your water? May I?\n- Yeah, go ahead.", "Much obliged.", "Fifty-seven days! Ted, you are in a slump.", "No, it's not a slump.\nIt's an intentional hiatus from girls.", "A slump is when you strike out\nevery time you step up to the plate,", "but I'm off the roster, baby.", "I'm in the locker room\nsitting in the whirlpool.", "And I'll tell you something,\nit feels pretty good.", "Yeah. You know what else\nis in that locker room?", "A bunch of naked dudes hanging brain.", "Ted, you need a lady,\nand I've got the next best thing. Mary.", "She lives in my building.\nShe's smart. She's hot. She's totally cool.", "Oh, she sounds great.", "And, who knows, maybe we will wind up\ngetting married someday,", "you know,\nif we can get a blessing from her pimp.", "You wanna judge a fellow human being", "based solely on\none external characteristic?", "That's racism.", "And I do not drink with racists. Good day!", "You're just waiting for me to speak,\nso you can...", "I said good day!", "So should I wear my hair up or down?", "So should I wear my hair up or down?", "Lily.\n- What?", "You okay?\n- Oh, yeah. Sorry.", "I'm just exhausted from work.", "The stupid school board took away\nnaptime in all kindergarten classes,", "and now the kids are just going crazy\nby the end of the day.", "And it's much harder to deal with\nbecause, well, I don't get my nap.", "Oh, wait, you were taking naps\nwhen the kids were? Is that safe?", "Oh, they're only five.\nWhat are they gonna do to me?", "Ted's still coming to this thing, right?\n- Yep.", "Do you think, hypothetically,\nit would be weird if I bring a date?", "Look at you, Scherbatsky,\nblatantly trying to make Ted jealous.", "No, it's just this guy\nat the station.", "I never get involved with coworkers,\nbut he asked me and I said yes.", "Is it gonna be weird?\n- No, it's not gonna be weird at all.", "Robin's bringing a date.\n- That's gonna be really weird.", "I know.\n- Okay.", "Robin's bringing a date.\n- Oh. Okay, that's not weird.", "She's bringing a date.\nI'm glad she's moving on.", "Dude, it's gonna be weird.\n- No, it's fine.", "Look, in spite of whatever happened\nbetween us, Robin and I are still friends.", "I don't think it'll be weird.", "Yeah, it won't be weird.\n- Thank you.", "Because you're gonna bring\nyour own date.", "Hello, Barney.\n- Hi, Mary.", "Have you met Ted?", "Nice to meet you, Ted.\n- Hi, Mary.", "Wow! It's, uh, nice to meet you, too.", "So, we're going to an award show?", "Yep. Could you just excuse us\nfor one minute?", "Barney?\n- See you in two shakes, Mar.", "You two make yourselves comfortable.", "What the hell?", "Dude, your narrow-minded views\non professional fornicators", "are harshing my mellow.", "So, I got you a date for the evening.\n- You got me a hooker.", "A really hot... A hooker!", "Think about it. This is perfect.", "A, it will make Robin insanely jealous.", "B, you get to have sex with her.", "And C, maybe by getting to know Mary,", "you'll come to see\nthat courtesans are people, too.", "And D, B all night long.", "I'm not taking a prostitute\nto Robin's banquet.", "Dude, the only people who will know\nare you, me and Marshall.", "No one will suspect a thing.", "They'll just see you with\nthis unbelievably smoking hot girl and...", "Okay, yeah, that's a little bit suspicious.", "Look, I'm just trying to expand\nyour horizons a little bit tonight.", "But if you're not interested, fine,\nI'm out 500 bucks. Whatever.", "Five hundred bucks, you?", "Ted, you're my cabr\u00c3\u00b3n,", "You think I'm gonna stick you with some\ntoothless tranny from the Port Authority?", "Look at how hot she is.\nRobin would be so jealous.", "I'm not trying\nto make Robin jealous, Barney.", "Look, I... Tell Mary thanks, but no thanks.\nI have a soul.", "And then\nyour Uncle Marshall and I", "had one of our famous", "telepathic conversations,", "Check out Robin's date,\n- I know,", "Is that who I think it is?\n- Yep, It's Sandy Rivers,", "Sandy Rivers\nwas the face ofMetro News 1,", "the most low-budget\ncable news channel ever,", "Sandy time. Sandy time!", "He was best known for his morning\nsegment in \"Today's Paper,\"", "during which he literally flipped through\ntoday's paper reading it aloud to viewers,", "Here we have on the front page\na story about a...", "I guess a guy in a superhero costume\nclimbing the Empire State Building,", "Looks interesting,", "These idiotic filler pieces\nwere a guilty pleasure of ours,", "Oh, which Sandy do we want today?\nUh...", "French Sandy, porn-star Sandy...\n- Yosemite Sandy, definitely.", "Excellent choice.", "SAND Y;... I raised these as a child,\nI tell you it's not easy,", "I love this guy.", "I hate this guy.", "Hey. Hi.\n- Hi.", "I'm Lily.\n- I'm Mary. Nice to meet you.", "Mary is a friend of Barney's.\nBarney invited her.", "Just met Mary ourselves.\nDon't know too much about Mary.", "Look, a beer.", "Hey.\n- Hi.", "You look nice.\n- Oh, Ted, this is Sandy.", "Hi, Sandy Rivers. Use my full name.\nPeople get a kick out of it.", "Hi, Sandy Rivers.", "So, are you two...\n- Starting a bunch of office rumors?", "Looks that way. Looks that way.", "Oh, how rude of me.", "Robin, Sandy... Rivers,", "this is Mary, my date.", "ANNOUNCER; Ladies and gentlemen,", "welcome to the 45th annual\nLocal Area Media Awards,", "Please say hello\nto our host for the evening,", "king of the Saturday afternoon\nkung fu movie, Vampire Lou,", "Tonight we celebrate the very best\nin broadcasting", "and the triumph of the human spirit,", "Man, Vampire Lou just looks great.", "I can't believe I'm on\na date with a hooker.", "Yeah, I can't believe you let her and Lily\ngo to the ladies' room together, man.", "Secrets come out in there.", "Oh, please, how's it gonna come out?", "\"Pass me a towel.\nP.S. I have sex for money.\"", "Who had sex for money?\n- Nobody.", "What did you guys talk about in there,\nanything interesting?", "No, not really.", "We just chitchatted,\nand I borrowed her lipstick.", "Yeah, why is Vampire Lou the host\nof a Saturday afternoon kung fu movie?", "You know? It just makes no sense.\nGod, that pisses me off.", "Lily, you okay?", "Oh, yeah, I'm just tired.\nAnd when I get tired, I get cranky.", "Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky.", "\"Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky.\"", "Wow. Why are you so tired?", "Well, I teach kindergarten,", "and the school board\ntook away my naptime...", "The kids' naptime.", "Lily, quit your job.\nWork at a private school.", "You won't have to deal\nwith the school board,", "and you'll make a ton more money.\n- Well, guess what, Barney?", "I don't base all my life decisions\non how much money I'm gonna make,", "unlike you and sadly my fianc\u00c3\u00a9.", "Well, it's just an internship\nfor the record for everybody...", "Yeah, because if I did sacrifice\nall my values just for an easy buck,", "what would that make me?\n- A prostitute.", "Exactly. Thank you, Mary.", "So, Mary, what do you do for a living?\n- She's a paralegal.", "Yes, I'm a paralegal.", "So, Mary the paralegal.", "What does a paralegal do exactly?", "I just assist with day-to-day clerical work\nin a law firm, downtown.", "Oh, what firm?\n- Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp.", "That's a real law firm.\n- I know.", "Nice.", "Pretty good on your feet.\n- Are you flirting with me?", "Is that allowed?\n- Yes, it's encouraged.", "You know, I wouldn't normally\nsay this on a first date,", "but, well, considering,\nI'm just gonna say it.", "You are so hot.", "Well, thank you.\n- You're welcome.", "Mary, Ted is a great guy.\nYou hold on to him.", "Don't let him out of your sight\nfor a minute.", "So, Sandy, what do you do?", "Oh, wait, I know what you do.", "You're the guy\nwho reads the paper in the morning.", "You got me. What do you do, Ted?", "Oh, same thing as you.\nI read the paper every morning.", "But then after that, I finish my coffee\nand I go to my real job as an architect,", "where I make an actual contribution\nto the world.", "I'm just kidding. Love your show.\nYou're terrific.", "Thanks. I never tire of hearing that.", "Hey, you know that scene in Empire", "where they lower the helmet\nonto Darth Vader's head?", "Do you think that's how Sandy\nputs his hair on in the morning?", "You just insulted someone I hate\nby referencing something I love.", "Damn! You just got even hotter.", "And so, as the night wore on,\nI started to realize", "this girl, despite what she did\nfor a living, was kind of great,", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "Mary seems nice.\nHave you kissed her yet or are you waiting", "until you're in a serious relationship\nwith someone else?", "Yeah. I've been meaning to apologize\nfor everything that happened.", "And just like that it's all okay.\nRoll credits.", "So you're gonna be mad at me forever?\nWhat, we're not even friends now?", "We're still friends.\n- We're... Are we?", "You don't return my calls.\nWe never hang out.", "And now you're trying to make me jealous\nby waving Edward R. Moron in my face?", "Oh, and Paralegally Blonde isn't here\nin her low-cut dress to make me jealous?", "Oh, so now she's a whore?", "What?\n- You know something?", "Mary the paralegal is awesome.\nAnd you know what else?", "I didn't come here tonight\nto make you jealous.", "I came here to support you as a friend,\nand frankly, I'm sick of trying.", "I like that guy.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "What were you guys\ntalking about over there?", "Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend\nthat I think you're awesome.", "Well, thanks.", "You know, this is one of the nicer hotels\nI've ever been in.", "Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel.", "You should see the rooms,\nthe views are amazing.", "Yeah? Maybe it's too bad\nwe don't have a room.", "Room 1506, my treat. You kids go nuts.", "Actually, don't use the minibar.", "Do it. Come on, Ted, do it.", "This is one of those things you have to do\nbefore you turn 30.", "Sleep with a prostitute?\n- No, lose your virginity. What up!", "Statistic. Men who have had\nat least one relationship with a prostitute", "are 75% more likely\nto have success in future relationships.", "You just made that up.\n- Withdrawn.", "Lawyered. Okay, three things.", "First of all, Robin's\ncategory is almost up.", "And second of all, you cannot do this.\nIt's wrong on every level.", "And third, I've been placing small items\nin Sandy's hair all night,", "and he still hasn't noticed.", "I know I can't do this. I'm not doing this.\nIt's just... It's a shame. She's really cool.", "Yeah, well... Here we go.\n- All right.", "Brampton for\n\"A Bicycle, Joy Ride or Deathtrap?\"", "Mike Murphy\nfor \"Thirteen, Pregnant and Addicted,\"", "And Robin Scherbatsky\nfor \"Pickles, the Singing Dog,\"", "And the winner is Robin Scherbatsky,", "Thanks.", "Oh, wow, This is really a surprise,", "You know, it's nice to be able\nto share this award with my friends,", "They're all here tonight,", "Marshall, Lily, Sandy Rivers...", "Barney,", "And that's it, Those are all my friends,\nThank you,", "Congratulations.\n- Oh, thanks.", "Um, Sandy, do you want to get a cab?\n- Sure. Let's go.", "Yeah, this party is dead.\nMary, you wanna go upstairs?", "We got a room.", "Dude, what are you doing?\n- What's it look like?", "It looks bad, is what it looks like,\nYou cannot do this,", "Marshall, she is a really cool girl\nwhen you get to know her,", "Besides, I'm trying to make Robin\njealous, - Oh, that's real mature,", "Marshall, what is up with you and Ted?", "Nothing, baby, Don't worry about it,", "Fine, Do what you want,", "Hey,", "Should we go?", "Yeah.\n- Yeah.", "Thanks.", "Well, good night.", "Good night.", "So, did you and Barney ever...", "There's not enough money in the world.\n- Oh, thank God.", "Yeah.", "Wow, so they're...\n- Uh-huh.", "Robin, where's Sandy Rivers?\n- I put him in a cab.", "So, wait, you and he aren't...\n- I don't date people I work with.", "I was just trying to make Ted jealous.", "Is he...\n- He's off trying to make you jealous.", "Oh, well, good for them.", "And, you know, if Ted likes her,\nshe's probably pretty cool.", "Lily, I know you're asleep,\nbut I have to tell someone this,", "and we tell each other everything,\nSo here it goes,", "Mary's not a paralegal, She's a prostitute,", "Mary's a prostitute?", "What?\n- Barney paid for her.", "Barney, is that true?", "We were having a conversation\nabout prostitution.", "And then Barney calls her up,\nand then she shows up at the bar,", "and now she and Ted are upstairs.", "Okay, seriously,\nwhat is going on with Ted, lately?", "Is he having a nervous breakdown?", "You know, Barney,\nfor anyone else this would be a new low,", "but sadly, for you, it's just a new middle.", "Oh, my God, I used her lipstick. Oh!", "That's her napkin.", "Okay, well, I guess now\nis as good a time as any.", "In keeping with tonight's\naward show motif,", "I'd like to announce\nthis evening's big twist ending.", "Vampire Lou, would you do the honors?", "\"Mary is not really a prostitute.\"", "What?\n- That's all, Vampire Lou. Nicely done.", "So she's not...\n- No.", "Mary is just a paralegal\nwho lives in my building.", "Oh! And here's the best part.", "She has no idea\nthat Ted thinks she's a hooker.", "Oh, come on.\nIf you don't laugh, it just seems mean.", "Feel kind of like Richard Gere.", "Not shy about your looks, are you?\n- No.", "You know, Mary,\nI've never done this before.", "Done what?\n- You know, been on a date.", "Right.", "Wait, you're kidding, right?\n- No.", "Why, is that so odd?", "Well, Ted, I mean,\nI've been going on dates since I was 15.", "God, you were just a kid.", "Well, look, let's just have a few drinks.\nWe'll relax...", "Yeah, that sounds great.", "I had clients riding me all day long.", "Must be tough.\n- Yeah.", "I mean, this one guy\njust wouldn't leave me alone.", "I mean, talk about anal.", "Here we are.", "Okay, look. Mary, I like you a lot.", "I'm sort of amazed\nat how much I like you.", "But I can't do this, you're a hooker.", "What?", "Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I'm\nsorry, that's a deal-breaker for me.", "I'm not gonna have sex with a prostitute.", "Ted, I'm a paralegal.", "Come on, Mary,\nthere's no one else around.", "You're a hooker.", "No, Ted. I'm a paralegal.", "No, you're a hooker.", "No, I'm a paralegal.", "You're a paralegal.", "That was not funny.\n- Not funny, dude.", "I know. It was hilarious.", "Why would you do that?\n- I did it to prove a point.", "What point?", "Stay with me, it's gonna come to me.", "Okay, here's the point.", "You thought that Mary\nwas a sure thing, right?", "So what happened? She took you up\nto a hotel room on the first date.", "All you have to do is be that confident\nwith every girl you meet", "and your slump's over.", "So the message is,\nI should treat every woman like a whore?", "Come on, dude.\nYou should be thanking me.", "She slapped me and stormed off.", "Can you blame her?\nYou called her a hooker.", "I'm sorry, dude. It was funny.", "Yeah. Well, it's getting late.", "I should get back to my room.\n- Your room?", "Yeah, that really expensive hotel room\nyou put on your credit card,", "never checked out.\nBy the way, you know what's super fun?", "Pouring Dom Perignon\ndown a bathtub drain.", "Well, it's almost 3:00.\nGot a massage. Toodles!", "Come on.\nIf you don't laugh, it just seems mean."], "How I Met Your Mother S01E20 Best Prom Ever": ["Kids, about eight months", "into Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall's\nengagement,", "there occurred\na game-changing emergency,", "Van Smoot is available.\n- Oh, my God.", "Van Smoot House\nwas a gorgeous mansion", "right on the Hudson River,", "It had everything Marshall and Lily\nwanted for their wedding,", "but it was never available,\nAnd then, suddenly, it was,", "There was a cancellation\ntwo months from now.", "You want to have our wedding\nin two months?", "No. It's impossible.", "It's Van Smoot, Lily. It's the dream.", "No, there's just not enough time.\nThere's no...", "Mini-vomit.", "Okay, look, look, look.\nI know that it's sudden, but check it.", "If we don't take this, guess who's\non their way with a deposit check?", "Todd and Valerie?", "When you're planning a wedding,", "there's always one couple\nwith similar taste", "that seems to be one step ahead of you,", "Todd and Valerie were that couple,", "We got to make a decision.\nTodd and Valerie are in motion.", "Van Smoot!", "No! Kids, color!", "Baby, pick me.\n- Come on, come on, come on.", "Hello, Marshall. Lily.", "Todd. Valerie.", "Stairs.", "I can't believe it.\nWe got Van Smoot House.", "It is on. It is on! Like the former\nSoviet Republic of Azerbaijan.", "What?\n- You're a wonder.", "Wow. You guys are getting married\nin two months.", "How are you going to get\neverything done?", "Division of labor.\nEveryone's got a job to do, so listen up.", "Okay, Robin, you and Ted go to the florist.", "Robin had been mad at me\nsince the night I slightly exaggerated", "my not-having-a-girlfriend-ness,", "Was it...\n- It was your girlfriend.", "You might want to call her back.", "Or, actually, Robin,\nwhy don't you go to the florist?", "And, Ted, I could use your keen\narchitectural eye on the invitations.", "Wow, that was really awkward, Lil.", "And still.\nIt's still really awkward right now.", "Hey, what about me? What's my job?\nWhat do I get to do?", "Okay, your job is very simple.", "At the wedding, do not sleep with\nanyone even remotely related to me.", "Lil, you know I can't promise that.", "Look how cute she looks. All tuckered out.", "Hey, babe. Hey, little one. Hey, Lilypad.", "Crap! Band! We forgot a band!", "It's just gonna be silence\nand then people chewing.", "Baby, don't worry about it.\nI called The 88!", "Who?\n- The 88.", "They're this awesome band.\nThey played my law review party.", "They were found guilty.\nOn three counts of rocking.", "Yeah, I saw them two months ago\nat my cousin Bonzo's wedding.", "They were great.", "John \"Bonzo\" Bonham from Led Zeppelin?", "Yes, Lily, my cousin, the drummer\nfrom Led Zeppelin who died in 1980,", "got married two months ago.", "Look, I can't sign off on a band\nI've never even seen.", "We don't even know\nif they can play our song.", "They're going to have to\ncome over here and audition.", "Baby, The 88 don't audition. They're like\nThe Wiggles of wedding bands.", "Well, then I have to say no.", "Baby, they're only holding the date\nuntil Monday.", "Well, are they playing\nanywhere this weekend?", "Let me check their website.", "What?", "Lily, you're being a wee bit intense\nabout this band thing.", "Intense? I have a wedding to plan\nin nine weeks for 200 people.", "Even if a dinosaur\nshould poke his head out of my butt", "and consume this coffee table,", "I need you to roll with it, okay?\n- Wow.", "Guys. I just tasted an amazing caterer.", "We already have a caterer.\n- Oh, right. You're getting married.", "You see what I did there?", "It looks like The 88 are playing\nat a high school prom", "in New Jersey tomorrow.", "A prom? Can we go to that?", "Yeah, we'll just call the high school,\nthey'll let us stand in the back and watch.", "Yeah. No, they won't.\n- Why not?", "'Cause it turns out\nwe're not in high school.", "No sweat, we'll just sneak in.", "We're not sneaking\ninto a high school prom.", "Yes, we are. It's the only way.", "You're getting on board\nwith Barney's idea?", "Man, you really have snapped.", "It's nine weeks till the wedding.\nAt this point,", "I'd say yes to just about anything.", "Well...\n- No, Barney.", "And so, Aunt Lily\nhatched the plan to crash a prom,", "I'll go with you.\n- Really?", "Yeah, I never got to go to my prom.", "We always had field hockey nationals\nin the spring.", "Lesbian.", "The cough is supposed to cover\nthe \"lesbian.\"", "No, I'm trying to start a thing\nwhere the cough is separate.", "Do you think we look young enough\nto blend in at a high school?", "Please, I'm ageless, Scherbatsky\njust needs a good night's sleep,", "and you've got \"statutory\"\nwritten all over your body.", "Hey, why don't we all go?", "I don't know.\nMore people might be harder to sneak in.", "We don't want to mess things up for Lily.", "Yeah, you're right. Besides, Marshall and I\nhave been planning", "on having a guys' night out\nbefore the wedding.", "Why don't we just make it\ntomorrow night?", "Sounds awesome. We should go out\nand just get fricking weird.", "Yeah.\n- 'Cause, you know,", "you'd be a bad, bad man,", "and I be an outlaw.", "What?", "Wow. Hey, Thelma, Louise, y'all don't\ndrive off no cliffs now, you hear?", "Lame!", "But seriously, leave me a message,\nand we'll meet up later.", "All right, what do you think?", "Horrible.", "You're gonna make such a great dad.", "You look so classy and nice.\nYou're gonna stick out like a sore thumb.", "Have you seen how the kids\nare dressing these days,", "with the Ashlee and the Lindsay\nand the Paris?", "They all dress like strippers.\nIt's go ho or go home.", "Well, we have to get in.\nI have to see this band,", "'cause we have to\nmake a decision by Monday,", "'cause I'm getting married in 71 days,", "and we still don't have...", "Sweetie,\njust focus on one thing at a time, okay?", "Right now, you just have to dress\nlike a whore and that's it.", "All right.\n- That's the spirit.", "Now, ladies, slut up.", "I never thought this would be a bad thing,\nbut my wardrobe just isn't slutty enough.", "I didn't know I still had this.\n- What?", "The dress I wore to my actual prom.", "Dude, you are the hottest girl at this prom,\nand not like in a corporate, plastic way.", "Like, truly, truly hot. Like a hot soul.", "You look great, too, Scooter.", "So, big news. I heard from umpire school.\nI'm in!", "Oh, disco! I am so happy for you.", "You mean happy for us, right, babe?", "Scooter, you're gonna be\nan umpire someday.", "No, baby.\nWe're gonna be an umpire someday.", "Nice.", "Now, you ladies look good, but your\noutfits are missing just one thing.", "No, Barney, this is as far as we're going\nto go. I'm not showing any more...", "Two beautiful flowers\nfor two beautiful flowers.", "Sweet. Thank you.", "Hmm.", "Robin, are you tearing up?\n- No.", "Robin, are you tearing up?\n- No.", "I've never been to prom before, okay?", "We got to go. See you.\n- Bye, have fun.", "Bye.\n- See you.", "They grow up into skanks so fast,\ndon't they, Ted?", "So, what, we ready for tonight?\n- Yeah.", "Just one thing we got to do first.", "Shot of Jim Beam?", "Yeah.\n- Yes!", "And then I promised Lily that we'd stuff\n200 wedding invitations.", "What?\n- I'm sorry, dude,", "but you saw how stressed out she is.", "Come on! You've been doing\nwedding stuff nonstop. Take a break.", "Once you're married, if we go out,", "and you get so drunk\nyou throw up, it'll be sad,", "but if we do it tonight, it'll be less sad.", "Okay, it'll be cool. I'll tell you what.\nWe'll make a game out of it.", "First one to stuff 100 invitations\ngets a big prize.", "Do I look like I'm four?", "All right, what kind of prize\nare we talking about?", "Wow, a lot more security\nthan when we were kids.", "Is this gonna work?\n- Yeah.", "Look, when I was 17,\nI used to sneak into clubs all the time.", "It's all about confidence. Follow me.", "Happy prom, everybody. Going to prom.", "You're adults.\n- Okay, bye.", "Okay, look, I just need to see the band.\nI'm getting married in two months, and...", "And you're just finding a band?", "Hey, hey.", "I'm sorry, ma'am. You either need to be\na student or the date of a student.", "Wow. \"Ma'am?\" Check and mate.", "It's cool. Time to activate Plan \"B.\"", "Scherbatsky, how comfortable are you\nwith a crossbow?", "Scherbatsky?", "Hey, guys.\nYou want to take two hot girls to prom?", "We don't have that kind of money.", "For free.\n- Oh, hell yeah.", "Great. I'm Robin, this is my friend Lily.\n- Hi.", "Shall we?\n- Sure.", "I knew it would happen. This is the dream.", "Hey, wait. How's Barney getting in?", "Don't worry about me. I'll get in.", "Oh, I'll get in.", "We're in!\n- Thank you, We're going to take a break,", "You're kidding me.", "Hey, you ladies want something\nto take the edge off?", "Yeah, what the hell? It's prom.", "That tastes like cough syrup.", "Yeah, we couldn't get any alcohol.\nOur fake IDs say we're only 20.", "We didn't realize it\ntill after we bought them.", "Nerds who aren't good at math?\nLife's going to be rough, boys.", "Hi. Excuse me.", "I was wondering if you guys could\nplay Good Feeling by the Violent Femmes.", "I know it's probably not\nin your repertoire,", "but I'm getting married and my fianc\u00c3\u00a9\nwants to hire you guys as the band,", "but I can't sign off on it\nuntil I hear you play Good Feeling", "because that's our song,", "and what kind of wedding band\nwould you be", "if you couldn't play our song, right?\nRight?", "Look, I'm kind of wasted right now,\nso I didn't understand any of that.", "But if you get us the sheet music,\nwe'll play your song.", "Okay.", "So, you buzzing, baby?", "My phlegm feels looser.", "This is pathetic. It's guys' night. We\nshould be out in a bar getting in fights.", "Hey, if I got in a fight,\nwould you have my back?", "You know it.", "I'd have your back, too.", "That's cool.", "What, you don't think you'd need my help?\nHey, you don't know what I can do.", "I'm like...", "Like a berserker.", "Okay, Ted. Hello?", "Hey, it's Robin.", "Lily needs you to download\nthe sheet music for Good Feeling", "and bring it out here, like, now.", "Hang on. It's Robin.\nShe wants me to go to prom.", "Can Ted come?\n- Wait! Don't ask! That's so lame!", "I don't even want to go, anyway.", "I don't know.\nThings have been so weird between us.", "What'd she say? What'd she say?", "He lied and told me he broke up\nwith his girlfriend", "to try to hook up with me.", "I mean, I know he apologized for it\nbut it's just... It's not easy to forgive.", "Well, look,\nif you absolutely must bring Ted,", "it's not like I'm going to claw\nmy own eyes out if he comes.", "Okay, bye.", "She totally wants you to come.", "All right, sheet music's on the way.", "You okay?", "There's just so much to do\nfor this wedding. My head is swirling.", "It's just all moving too fast.", "How is it moving too fast?\nWe've been together for two years.", "I just...", "I just don't want everything\nin my life to be decided already.", "What's decided?\nI go to umpire school, you go to college.", "We move into my dad's house\nin Staten Island.", "We have kids, we grow old together.\nWhat's decided? It's wide open!", "Scooter, when I go off to college,\nthat's the end for us.", "You're breaking up with me?", "There's still so much I want to do.", "I want to travel, live\noverseas as an artist,", "maybe have a lesbian relationship.", "Plus, I think I was just dating you 'cause\nyou look a little bit like Kurt Cobain.", "I can't believe this.", "I can change.\nI can look more like Kurt Cobain.", "Please, just don't leave me!\nI'm nothing without you, baby.", "Please don't put that kind\nof pressure on me! It's too much!", "It's just one dance. God!\n- What?", "Well, we did promise them one dance.", "Yeah, sure, okay.", "So, Andrew, what's your big plan?\nWhat's life going to be like after tonight?", "Well, you know, I got it all worked out.", "Leave this place in my dust,\nfour awesome years at college,", "and then I'll move to Prague or start my\nown video game company or something.", "No, you won't.\n- I won't?", "No, you won't accomplish anything\nyou set out to.", "You'll get a girlfriend\nthe first day of college", "and you'll give up your independence\nand you'll never live abroad", "and you'll wind up old\nbefore your time, wondering,", "\"Whatever happened\nto my hopes and my dreams?\"", "You really think I'll get a girlfriend?", "So, what's the deal here?\nAm I getting lucky tonight?", "Sean, look, you're a nice guy,\nbut I just don't...", "No, you're not getting lucky tonight.", "Okay, just be cool. Don't look at me.", "Okay.\n- How'd you get in here?", "What's it to you, giant turtle?", "It's me. Barney.", "Hey. Where's Lily?\n- She's in the bathroom.", "Wait here, I should go talk to the band.\n- All right.", "How did you guys get in here?", "We just snuck in the back.\n- You just... Are you serious?", "I've been trying to get in here all night.", "I finally paid a janitor 200 bucks\nto let me borrow this mascot costume.", "But you got in.\n- Yeah.", "Slow and steady won the race.", "Hey, bro, have you seen my fianc\u00c3\u00a9e, Lily?", "Your fianc\u00c3\u00a9e? Whoa.\nTonight she's with me, bro.", "Unless you're looking for trouble.", "Listen, little buddy, I understand it's\nprom and the adrenaline's pumping, but...", "No, not tonight.\nI've waited too long for this.", "I finally got a girl and I'm not going\nto let you take her away from me.", "Whoah, whoah.", "Look, let's not get carried away.\n- Nunchaku!", "I'm coming at you!", "I can't believe I unloaded like that\non a high school senior.", "I can't believe a high school senior\nunloaded like that on me.", "I'm going to ask you something\nand maybe it's crazy", "'cause you guys\nare the cutest couple ever.", "But are you having second thoughts?", "Yeah.", "But not about Marshall. About me.", "I just keep thinking about\nthe girl I was 10 years ago", "and wondering what happened to her.", "I don't want to be tied down.", "I want to live in France\nand Spain and Italy", "and just soak up life\nand put it on a canvas,", "even if it means being\na waitress in crappy caf\u00c3\u00a9s for five years,", "I don't care. I'm going to be a painter.", "And I can't do any of that with a boyfriend\nshackled around my neck, you know?", "But, anyway, I'm blabbering.\nWay to make new friends, Lily.", "I'm sorry. What was your name again?", "Marshall.", "Nice to meet you, Marshall.\nGuess we're hall mates.", "Yeah.", "It works.", "Violent Femmes. I love this song.\n- Me, too.", "I didn't have any of the experiences\nI set out to.", "The travel, the bohemian art life,\nmy big lesbian experience.", "I didn't do any of it.", "Lily, you're marrying\nyour best friend in the world.", "I mean, isn't that worth\nall the other experiences combined?", "Yeah.", "And, look, you can still travel.\nI mean, you can still paint.", "And as far as your lesbian experience...", "Happy?\n- Yeah.", "So field hockey, huh?\n- Shut up.", "Trespassing, assaulting a minor.", "And this mascot costume you stole\ncost $5,000.", "We can have you guys arrested,\nyou know that?", "Oh, come on, you're the one who let in\na kid with nunchucks.", "You call yourself security guards?\nI was just defending my boy here.", "I totally could have taken that kid.\n- Yeah, and I totally had your back, so...", "Well, I didn't need it, but thanks.\n- Yeah, you did, and you're welcome.", "No, the kid was totally like\na white belt and I'm gigantic.", "Listen, guys, I'm sorry. Please, I just\nneed to get in there for one more song.", "Absolutely not.", "You guys will thank me\nfor this later, okay?", "Listen, Don, Ray, can't we all...\n- Hey!", "You know, for a turtle,\nhe's surprisingly quick.", "This one goes out to that redhead girl\nand that tall guy.", "So, how was your first prom?\n- You tell me.", "I hated my dress, my date got wasted\nand puked on me, there was a huge fight,", "and I kissed a girl.", "So, basically, it was a prom.", "Okay, I've missed you.\nNot in a we're-going-to-make-out way,", "not even in an I-forgive-you way.\nJust in an I've-missed-you way.", "I'll take what I can get.", "And that, my friends, is why\nyou don't get your money's worth", "when you wear jeans to a strip club.", "So you got to admit,\nThe 88 are rocking our song.", "Yeah, it's good.", "Band. Check.", "Two months, baby. Two months.", "Two months."], "How I Met Your Mother S01E21 Milk": ["Kids, life is a dark road,\nYou never really know what's up ahead,", "One night, you're cruising along,\nenjoying the ride,", "and then all of a sudden, you're 28,", "And for the birthday boy, lasagna.\n- Thank you.", "Careful. The plate is very hot.\n- Okay.", "Oh, go on, touch it.", "Sweet damn, that's a hot plate!", "All right, so, Barney,\nare you doing this or what?", "Oh, jeez, Barney, don't do this.\n- I have to. It's my birthday present to Ted.", "You don't have to.\nPlease, it's going to be embarrassing,", "and we're gonna have\nto stop coming here, which will suck,", "in addition to probably being\nkind of healthy.", "Come on, Marshall,\nit's the greatest pickup line of all time.", "Barney.", "Ah! Happy birthday, Ted.", "Excuse me, has anyone ever told you...", "Oh, my God!\n- What?", "Oh, call an ambulance!", "What's going on?\n- Try not to speak. Here, sit down.", "Just don't talk. Don't talk.", "Is she okay?\n- I'm serious, call 911.", "What's wrong? What's the matter?", "Just don't move. Don't move. Just try...", "Here, have some water. Water!", "Here, drink this.", "You know, the more I watch this,\nthe less convinced I am", "that it's the greatest pickup line\nof all time.", "Wait for it.", "Twenty-eight.\nTwo more until the big one. Three-O.", "Actually,\nmy 30th birthday wasn't so bad,", "Well, except for the goat in my bathroom,\nWhich is a great story,", "But I'll get to that later,", "Still, you know, another year older.\nStill single.", "You don't hear\nyour Ted-o-logical clock ticking?", "Nope. I hit the snooze button.", "And here come the paramedics.", "Oh, thank God, you're here.\n- What is going on?", "I think there might be\nsome internal bleeding.", "Probably some fractures.\nWe gotta get her to the hospital.", "What are you talking about?\n- You've had a terrible fall.", "No, I haven't.", "Really? 'Cause I could swear\nyou fell straight out of heaven, Angel.", "Give him your number. What?", "Give him your number. What?", "Give him your...\nCome on, guys, you're embarrassing me.", "Give him your number.\n- Give him your number.", "What are you... Come on.", "Give him your number.\n- Give him your number.", "They're not going to stop\ntill you give me your number.", "Give him your number.\n- Give him your number.", "All right!\n- It works!", "I cannot believe\nthat she gave him her number.", "Maybe she really does have a brain injury.", "Thank you, everyone.\nThank you, everyone. It's been fun.", "It's Wendy the waitress. Tip her well.\nThanks a lot, guys.", "Troilus and Cressida,\nNeighborhood Playhouse.", "Check them out, they're good.\nThey're good.", "I realize why I'm still single. I'm picky.\nI'm not going to settle.", "If I'm going to marry someone,\nshe has to be perfect.", "Well, what's perfect?\n- Well, it's not like I have a list.", "Oh, yes, you do.\n- Attractive, college-educated.", "She wants two kids, a boy and a girl.", "That's not hard. I know at least...\n- I'm not done.", "She likes dogs, Otis Redding,\ndoes the crossword.", "She's into sports,", "but not so much so that her legs\nare, like, more muscular than mine.", "That weirds me out.", "And she plays bass guitar\nlike Kim Deal from the Pixies.", "Or Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth.\n- Any Kim from any cool band, really.", "Can't be too picky.\n- You're never going to find this girl.", "Exactly. So I'm just going to wait\nfor her to come to me.", "I am done trying to plan the unplannable.", "So, what, you think fate's just going\nto take care of it?", "That's the plan.", "And little did I know,\nat that very moment, fate,", "in the form of a 600-gigahertz,\nsuper-processing computer", "was taking care of it,", "Whoa, you're up early.\n- Yeah, thought I'd whip up some pancakes.", "Does Marshall know?\n- He's still sound asleep.", "Awesome! So awesome!", "God! Best girl ever.", "Screw these pancakes, I should cover you\nin syrup and gobble you up.", "Please don't do that.", "Hey, is this milk any good?", "Oh, yeah, that totally got me yesterday.", "God, why didn't you throw it away?", "I'm going shopping after work.\nI'll pick up some milk.", "Oh! These pancakes are delightful.", "What's wrong, baby?", "This is the high point of my day.", "It was true,", "See, Marshall had always dreamed\nof using his law degree", "to protect the environment,", "But he needed money for the wedding,", "so he'd been interning for two months\nat Barney's firm,", "and he hated every minute of it,", "Hey, Barney, I had some questions\nabout filling out these requisition forms.", "Binoculars. Second pair, on my desk.", "I don't have time to be creepy, dude.\nI have a lot of work to do.", "Just take a look, will you?", "Hey, corner office. Top floor.", "Check out that guy.", "Name's Clark Butterfield.", "He works over\nat Nicholson, Hewitt and West,", "and every morning, he orders a sandwich\nfrom the deli downstairs.", "So?\n- So, guess what I did to that sandwich?", "Here, I took a picture.", "Oh! Sweet Lord!", "And now I'm e-mailing said picture to him.", "Duck!", "That is sick!", "Why would you do that?\n- Who knows?", "This feud goes so far back\nI can't remember who fired the first shot.", "You?\n- Totally.", "Well, look, if you would just\nhelp me fill out these forms,", "that would be great.", "What?", "Butterfield is going to retaliate\nwithin the next four hours.", "That's been his pattern.\nThis is war, Eriksen.", "I need you to clear your schedule. Call\nLily. Tell her you'll be home late.", "This is stupid.", "Come on, man, I didn't recruit you\nto work here for your lawyering skills.", "I recruited you to be\nmy executive mischief consultant.", "This is a job for me, Barney.", "It's a way to make\nsome extra wedding money, and that's it.", "Now, I'm sorry, but I have work to do.", "Tracy, could you come in here, please?", "Would you please inform Mr. Eriksen\nthat I'm no longer speaking to him?", "Mr. Eriksen, Mr. Stinson is no longer...\n- I get it. Thank you, Tracy.", "Hello?", "Hello. May I speak with a Mr. Ted Mosby?", "Speaking.", "Mr. Mosby, how you doing, sir?", "Bob Rorschach over here\nat Love Solutions.", "You signed up for our services\nabout six months ago,", "Yeah. You guys never found me a match.", "Right. Well, actually,\nthat's why I'm calling.", "We found her, sir,\nWe found your soul mate,", "I don't understand.\nWhat happened to Ellen Pierce?", "Doesn't she run this place?", "Well, my firm bought out the company.", "You know, we're a high-end meats\nand textiles conglomerate,", "but the geniuses at corporate\ndecided they wanted to diversify,", "so here I am.", "So I'm in good hands.", "You found me a match?", "There she is. Your soul mate.\nThat'll be 500 bucks.", "No way. The last time I did this,\nthe girl turned out to be engaged.", "She's not engaged. She's your soul mate.", "Just read the file.", "So I read the file,\nAnd, by God, this woman was perfect,", "She liked dogs,\nShe spent her summers in North Carolina,", "She played bass guitar,\nShe did The Times crossword,", "She played tennis, She liked old movies,\nHer favorite food was lasagna,", "Her favorite book was\nLove in the Time of Cholera.", "Her favorite singer was Otis Redding,\nAnd she wanted two kids, a boy and a girl,", "All right, fine. Set it up.", "You wanted to see me,\nso I guess that means we're talking again.", "Will you taste this latte for me?\nI think they gave me decaf.", "It tastes normal to me.", "That's what I thought, too.\nThen I got this e-mail from Butterfield.", "Oh, God!\n- It got me as well.", "Well, then why did you have me drink it?", "Because now you're in.", "Okay.", "Don't think I'm overlooking\nthe obvious fact", "that I should just be mad at you.", "But Executive Mischief Consultant\nMarshall Eriksen reporting for duty.", "Let's make that bastard pay.", "You think that\nwe should brush our teeth first?", "Yeah, it's probably a good idea.\n- Let's go.", "So, that night I had\na blind date with my perfect match,", "I was so excited, I got there early,", "But before it even started...", "Lily?", "Hey, Ted, are you busy?", "Um, yes.", "Oh, right. Soul mate. Forgot.", "Listen, could you take\na cab out to Dutchess County", "and change a flat on Marshall's Fiero?", "What?", "What? No. Can't you just call Marshall?", "Marshall can't know about this.", "Look, Ted, it's dark,\nI don't know how to change a tire,", "and I've stumbled into the beginning\nof a very scary campfire story.", "Can you please hurry?\n- I can't. I'm waiting...", "Oh, my God,\nis that a drifter with a hook for a hand?", "No, drifter, no!", "Come on, Lily.\n- But you see my point.", "All right, stay there. I'm on my way.", "And so, one $90 cab ride later,\nI was in the middle of nowhere,", "Oh, thank God. I'm so sorry about this.", "Did you get ahold of your date?\n- Yes.", "And was she okay about pushing it back?\n- Yes. Because she's perfect!", "So, what am I doing here?", "You can never tell Marshall.\n- I won't.", "Ever. Swear. Swear on the lives\nof your unborn boy and girl.", "I swear on Luke and Leia.", "About a month ago,\nI started getting insomnia.", "LIL Y; Marrying Marshall had been\nall I wanted for a long time,", "But now that it was really happening,\nit seemed kind of huge and scary,", "Did you talk to Marshall about it?\nLIL Y; He wouldn't have understood,", "He's not exactly nervous\nabout tying the knot,", "So I spent my nights reading, painting,", "setting the high score\non Super Bomberman,", "That was you? Awesome!\n- I know!", "I just got in the zone and...\nNot the point of the story,", "And then I started thinking about Victoria", "and how she followed\nher dream to Germany,", "then I found this art fellowship,", "Let me guess. It's somewhere far away.\n- San Francisco.", "But it's not like I'm going to do it.\nThe dates conflict with the wedding.", "But I love painting,\nand I've always wondered if I'm any good.", "This was the way to find out.", "And the interview is tonight.\n- In New Haven.", "You don't want to get married.", "Of course I want to get married!", "I... It's not like I was\never going to do it.", "I just... I just really wanted to see\nif I could get this.", "Lily, we live in the center\nof art and culture in America.", "I'm sure you could find a program here\nthat's just as selective.", "But you chose one\nin a city 3,000 miles away,", "and you didn't tell Marshall.", "I think it's pretty clear what that means.", "Okay, I...", "I was having second thoughts.", "But I'm not anymore.", "I... I mean, this flat tire was a sign.\nI'm not supposed to do this.", "I'm supposed to go home\nand be with Marshall.", "You must think I'm so stupid.\n- I don't think you're stupid.", "I love Marshall.\n- I know you do. Come here.", "It's okay.", "Look, marriage is big.\nYou're allowed to freak out.", "But why am I the only one?", "How come Marshall isn't doing\nanything crazy?", "So all we need is one large shipping box\nand 100 white mice.", "All done.", "Ted, let's go to New Haven.", "Lily, don't do this to yourself.", "I just need to know if I can get in.", "If I do this interview,\nand get into the program, then I'll know,", "and I can forget all about it,\nand get married.", "Come on! It's an adventure.", "No, it's not an adventure. It's a mistake.", "Okay, yes, it's a mistake.\nI know it's a mistake.", "But there are certain things in life\nwhere you know it's a mistake,", "but you don't really know it's a mistake,", "because the only way to really know\nit's a mistake is to make the mistake,", "and look back and say,\n\"Yep, that was a mistake.\"", "So, really, the bigger mistake would be\nto not make the mistake", "because then you'd go your whole life\nnot really knowing", "if something is a mistake or not.", "And, damn it, I've made no mistakes!", "I've done all of this,", "my life, my relationship,\nmy career, mistake-free.", "Does any of this make sense to you?", "I don't know. You said \"mistake\" a lot.", "Lily, don't do this.", "Ted, I'm getting married in two months,", "and I'm freaking out,\nand you're my best friend,", "and you just have to forgive me for this.\n- But forgive you for what?", "Lily. Lily!", "Hey, Lily, this is Ted,", "the guy you left stranded\nby the side of the road.", "Just wanted to say good luck\nwith the interview.", "Remember to pick up some milk.", "Oh, and when I get home,\nI'm going to kill you.", "And, also, I texted you the same thing.", "Hey, I need a big favor.", "Anything, bro.", "I need you to come up to Dutchess County\nand pick me up.", "No.", "It's kind of an emergency.\n- What are you doing in Dutchess County?", "Apple picking. Can you just get up here?", "I wish I could help, buddy,\nbut I'm stuck here at work.", "We're kind of swamped.", "Hey, is that Ted?\n- Yeah. He's stuck in Dutchess County.", "Don't you have a big date tonight?", "Marshall. Hi. Yes. Yes, I do.", "So what are you doing\nin Dutchess County?", "Can't a brother go apple picking\nwithout getting the third degree? Damn!", "Okay, well, hang on.\nI'm coming to get you.", "No!\n- Relax, man. I'll take the Fiero.", "No, no, no. Just forget it.", "A little prank. I'm not in Dutchess County.", "So, that's the prank?\nThat you're not in Dutchess County?", "Yep. Gotcha! Classic! Gotta go.", "Hey, check it out.\nThis one actually looks like Butterfield.", "You know, over at the NRDC,\nit's a bunch of really committed people", "who take their job of saving the Earth\nvery, very seriously.", "Which is great and everything, but", "I can't imagine having\nthis much fun over there.", "You're thinking about\ncoming to work here full-time?", "Maybe.", "Don't tell Lily, okay?\n- No.", "Taking off for the night.\n- Thanks, Tracy.", "Are you guys planning\non punching some holes in that box?", "Of course we are.", "Were you going to think of that?\n- No.", "That would have been bad.\n- Horrible.", "Luckily, there was still\none person I could call to get a ride home,", "Need a ride, cowboy?\n- Sorry. I don't get in vans with strangers.", "Too bad. I got candy.\n- Candy?", "So, you're not going to tell me\nwhat you were doing", "by the side of a highway\nin Dutchess County?", "Nope. Sworn to secrecy.\n- Oh, come on.", "I like your hat.\n- Right.", "This is embarrassing. I got highlights.", "Oh, for the waiting room\nof your dental practice?", "Highlights is a children's magazine.\n- Yeah, I got it.", "I thought it might look cool.", "Of course, my colorist took \"highlights\"\nto mean, \"I want to look like a tiger,\"", "hence the hat.\n- Oh. I gotta see this.", "No way.\n- Please. I bet it doesn't look that bad.", "I bet it looks great!", "\"So,\" she says, changing the subject,\n\"Big date tonight.\"", "How does she rate\non the Mosby checklist?", "Kind of amazingly. She's 28, like me.", "Wow, I'm 28.", "College-educated, check.\nPlays tennis, check.", "Favorite book\nis Love in the Time of Cholera, check.", "I read that. More like,\n\"Love in the time of don't bothera.\"", "You know, it's very rude\nto wear a hat indoors. I'm just saying.", "We're not indoors. We're in a van.\n- Vans have doors. Let me see your hair.", "Never. What else?\n- She loves lasagna.", "Barf.\n- You know, I am sensing a pattern here.", "What else?", "Let's see what else.\nOh, she doesn't look like a tiger, check.", "And she's looking to get married\nand have kids?", "Check and check.\nShe wants two kids, a boy and a girl.", "Wow.", "You know, I've been thinking about this.\nI think I want to have zero kids.", "Really? You don't want kids?", "You know, Ted, not everyone\nis as much of a woman as you.", "Hey. I'm driving.", "Look at that. 8:56. You're early.", "Hey, thanks for picking me up.", "Good luck on your date.\nI hope she's everything you're looking for.", "Thanks.", "All right, you've clearly\nhad a rough night.", "I want you to go in there\nwith a smile on your face,", "so here's what I'm going to do.", "You're going to show me your hair?", "Actually, I was going\nto show you my breasts,", "but, sure, we can do hair.", "You just made my night.", "Go.", "Tomorrow morning,\nBarney's going to send out the package,", "and Butterfield's going to be knee-deep\nin angry white mice.", "Oh, hey, dude.\n- Hey, guys.", "Hi.\n- Hey.", "So, Lil, did you get the milk?", "Yeah. Yeah, I got it.", "You think you might want\nto drink the milk?", "No. Nope, I'm good.", "I don't need any milk.", "Look, guys, I know milk is important.", "It's got vitamin A, vitamin D.", "It's a great way to start the morning,\nbut Ted just had a huge date.", "How'd it go, dude?\n- I didn't go.", "What? Why?", "I changed my mind.\nI don't want to meet her.", "Why? She sounds perfect.", "I don't want perfect. I want Robin.", "Oh, God, not this again.", "Ted, it's a mistake!\n- Maybe.", "But it's a mistake I have to make.", "Wrong. It's a mistake\nyou don't have to make.", "Look at the evidence.", "You and Robin have tried this\nagain and again...", "Here's the thing about mistakes,", "Sometimes, even when you know\nsomething's a mistake,", "you gotta make it, anyway,", "Sweet damn, that's a hot plate!", "Hey, is this milk any good?", "Even really,\nreally dumb mistakes,"], "How I Met Your Mother S01E22 Come On": ["It was May of 2006\nin New York City, and life was good,", "But everything was about to change,", "So what do you think?", "Robin again?", "Ted, the universe clearly does not want\nyou and Robin to be together.", "Don't piss off the universe.\nThe universe will slap you.", "Don't you think the universe", "has more important things\nto worry about than my dating life?", "Unless your dating life is the glue\nholding the entire universe together.", "Whoa, chills. Anybody else get chills?", "Look, I realize we've been\ndown this road before,", "but the fact is, whatever I do,\nit all keeps coming back to Robin.", "So I gotta do this.", "What the hell?\n- That wasn't me.", "That was the universe.", "The funny thing was,\nat that very moment,", "the universe was working\non something,", "A storm,", "So Tropical Storm Willie\nis gonna be with us at least until Monday.", "It's gonna rain cats and dogs, folks.", "So don't step in a poodle.", "Sandy, Robin?\n- Thanks, Lou.", "Boy, too bad.", "Our big Metro News 1 camping trip\nwas gonna be this weekend.", "Yeah, but camping out in the rain?\nNo fun. Muddy. Yuck.", "Guess we'll have to take a rain check.", "And we'll check in\nwith you tomorrow, New York.", "Have a great night.", "And we're clear.", "Bummer. I was hoping to finally have sex\nwith you this weekend, Scherbatsky.", "Well, I'd give you the\n\"I don't date co-workers\" speech again,", "but, God, you must have\nthat son-of-a-bitch memorized by now.", "Shame, though.\nIt was a pretty hot show tonight.", "The rhythmic give and take\nof our improvised banter there at the end", "really got my freak juice flowing.", "Dude, he is right.", "How many times do you have\nto watch this crash and burn", "before you say, \"Enough\"?\n- One more. One more time.", "One more big, beautiful, stupid,\nromantic gesture", "and then, whatever she says,\nyes or no, that's it.", "If it's yes, great.", "If it's no,\nthen I am done going after Robin forever.", "So what's this big, beautiful,\nromantic gesture?", "I am going to make her", "a mix CD.", "No, I'm kidding. I got a plan.", "Lily, I'm gonna need the spare key\nto Robin's apartment.", "I see where this is going.", "Ted, waiting naked in a girl's bed", "wearing whipped cream undies\ndoes not work.", "Usually. The setting,\nMartha's Vineyard, 1999.", "The characters, yours truly\nand a raven-haired au pair by the...", "Universe.", "So this plan you speak of.", "Remember the first night\nRobin and I went out?", "I stole a blue French horn for her,\nand it almost worked,", "Yeah, dude, that was awesome.\nBut how are you ever gonna top that?", "She should be here any second. So...", "We're pretty hungry.\nWhen do we get our pizza?", "Enough with the...", "We'll go get pizza later, all right?\nJust stay...", "Damn it.", "Hello?\n- Hey, Lily.", "I'm locked out of my apartment.\nI need to come pick up my extra key.", "Extra key?", "Do I have an extra key to your apartment?", "Yes, I gave it to you.", "Oh, right. That key. Yeah, I lost it.", "Great. Now I gotta go to the locksmith.", "No. Wait.", "Maybe you should just knock.", "Knock?", "Lily, my dogs aren't that well-trained.", "Hello, Lily, This is Janet Kagen,", "at the Russell House Art Foundation\nhere in San Francisco,", "I'm pleased to inform you\nthat we've accepted your application", "for our summer fellowship,", "We look forward to hearing from you,\nBye-bye,", "Robin, I gotta go. Just knock, okay?", "Summer fellowship?", "Just knock. Okay.", "Hi.\n- Hi.", "Robin. I've sort of said this already.", "I mean, I've half-said it. I've tried\nto say it and I've said it badly.", "So this is me, just saying it.", "With strings.", "I'm crazy about you.\nI think we should be together.", "What do you say?", "What do you say?\n- Yes. No. I don't know.", "Those are the three options.", "Ted, this is so...\n- I know.", "I mean, I come home,\nI was gonna watch Jeopardy,", "and there's a string quartet,", "and I have to pee.", "Oh, I'm sorry.", "Well, go ahead, we'll wait.\n- Great.", "Yeah, 'cause when we talked earlier,\nyou said there'd be pizza.", "No, I said I'd get you a pizza afterwards.", "Look, could we talk about this later?", "I'm sort of professing my love here.\n- Sure.", "We're not getting any pizza.", "Okay. Let's talk.", "Okay.", "Hey, you guys wanna take five? All right.", "Thanks, guys, we just need a minute.\nSort of a big life decision.", "Love the blue instruments, though.\nKind of an inside joke.", "Thanks.", "You're crazy.\n- Right. Come on.", "It's not that I haven't thought about this.", "You know that I have.\nBut let's look at this, okay?", "We only just started being friends again.", "I know. But come on.", "And... And we want different things.\nThat's still there. That's not going away.", "I mean, what if we do this\nand it doesn't work out", "and I'd lose you as a friend?", "I gotta think about this.", "Okay, fine. Think about it on the plane.", "Let's go to Paris for the weekend.\nI'm serious.", "I'm kidding. I'm serious.\n- I can't go to Paris. I'm going camping.", "Well, I thought that thing was canceled.\n- Well, it's back on.", "Since when?\n- Since like an hour ago.", "Sending the storm\nback out into the Atlantic.", "So it's blue skies this weekend.", "Sandy, Robin?\n- Thanks, Lou.", "But that blue sky\nisn't without at least one cloud.", "I'm sorry to announce\nthat one week from today", "I will be leaving Metro News 1,", "It has been an honor\nto bring you the news each night,", "and read the paper to you each morning.", "I will always treasure it.\nGood night, New York.", "And we're clear.", "You're leaving?\n- There. I quit my job.", "We're not co-workers.\nWill you please have dinner with me?", "I'm joking. I got offered a job at CNN.", "Oh, congratulations.\n- Congratulations, yourself.", "What do you mean?\n- Well, Joe asked me", "who I thought should replace me\nas lead anchor.", "I told him you.", "They're announcing it next week.\nAct surprised.", "Wow. Thanks.", "And, yes.", "Yes, what?\n- Yes, let's go get dinner.", "How about this weekend\non the camping trip?", "I roast a mean weenie.", "You're kidding me. No way.\nDon't go on this thing.", "Ted, I have to go.\nIt's a company camping trip.", "Really? Because it also kind of\nsounds like a date with Sandy", "and his weenie.", "I mean, is this not a date?\n- I don't know.", "So, what, you actually like this guy now?\n- I don't know.", "Are you gonna hook up with him?\n- I don't know.", "Yes, you do.\n- No, Ted, I don't.", "And you know what? That's okay.", "I don't plan out every second of my life,\nlike you do.", "I don't plan out every...\n- Oh, really?", "What is all of this?", "I mean, why can't you just say,\n\"Hey, Robin, let's go get some sushi?\"", "No, it has to be a string quartet,\nand Paris, and flowers, and chocolates,", "and \"Let's spend\nthe rest of our lives together.\"", "Don't you think\nwe're a little past sushi at this point?", "God, you are so terrified of anything real.", "It's like you're floating out in space.\nTouch the ground, Robin.", "Live in the world, make a mistake.\nMake this mistake.", "I need to think about this.", "Fine.", "No. I'm sorry,", "I can't do this anymore. I need an answer.", "If you want me to say yes right now,\nI can't do that.", "Well, if it's not yes then it's a no.", "Then I guess it's not meant to be.", "Nice try, buddy.\n- Good hustle out there.", "Look at the bright side.\nAt least you got some closure.", "She's made her choice,\nand you can finally move on.", "Screw that. This ain't over.", "You sat here, in this very booth,\nand you said...", "I don't care what I said.\nThis is gonna happen.", "She can't say it's not meant to be.\nIt is meant to be.", "And you know why?\n'Cause I mean it to be.", "Unpause?\n- Unpause.", "Let's pause,", "See, Marshall and Lily had a rule\nthat at any point during a fight,", "they could pause and take a break,\nTheir fights often lasted for days,", "A painting fellowship?\n- I was never gonna take it.", "In California?\n- I was never gonna take it.", "Ted, she is going on that camping trip.", "Dude, barring some act of God,", "Robin's gonna be\nwith Sandy this weekend.", "Fine.", "If an act of God is what it takes,\nthen an act of God it is.", "What are you talking about?", "I'm gonna make it rain.", "I can't let Robin go camping with this guy.", "So how do I keep that from happening?\nSimple. I make it rain.", "Ted, do you want me to slap you again?\n'Cause I kind of enjoyed it the first time.", "I might be crazy right now.\nNo, you know what?", "I am definitely crazy right now.\nBut I have a plan.", "That girl you used\nto go out with, Penelope.", "Wasn't she getting her PhD\nin Native American culture?", "Yeah.\n- Are you still in touch with her?", "Sure. I mean,\neven though we stopped having sex,", "we still get together like once a month\nto chat and catch up,", "and of course I'm not in touch with her!", "Well, you're gonna\nneed to get in touch with her.", "She's gonna teach me\nhow to do a rain dance.", "Did you just say a rain dance?\n- Yes.", "A rain dance?\n- Yes.", "A dance to make it rain.\n- Yes.", "No, we are not!\n- Yes, we are!", "Ted, you're forcing me\nto be the voice of reason.", "And it's not a good look for me!", "Why the hell should I help you?\n- Come on.", "I know it didn't work out between us,\nbut we did have a relationship.", "We had sex twice in your car\nand then you dumped me.", "How is that a relationship?", "Twice?", "Barney, there is no way I am...", "Seriously, come on.", "Penelope, I really need\nto make it rain this weekend.", "Why?", "There's this girl...", "\"There's this girl?\"", "You know, the traditional rain dance\nis a sacred prayer to nature.", "I don't think the Great Spirit\nlooks too kindly on white dudes", "who co-opt it to get laid.", "Penelope, this is the girl I love.", "If it doesn't rain this weekend,\nshe's gonna end up with the wrong guy.", "Please.", "This wrong guy, is he a huge jackass?\n- Absolutely.", "Kind of like Barney?\n- Kind of.", "Hey.\n- You hit on my mom.", "We weren't exclusive.", "I'm in.", "And so the three of us\nheaded to the roof of my building,", "Okay.", "Crouch down and bend over a little bit.", "Wow, it took five shots of tequila\nto get you in that position.", "I will throw you off this roof.", "So much of your mom in you.", "And she's been throwing up ever since.", "So how'd she manage\nto eat so much chocolate?", "Remember that guy, Ted,\nthat I was telling you about?", "Well, I came home\nand I found him waiting in my apartment", "with a string quartet and roses\nand chocolates...", "Oh, that's so sweet.", "Okay, yes, it's sweet in theory.\nBut isn't it also kind of crazy?", "I mean, a string quartet in my living room.", "Who does that?\n- Nobody does that.", "Exactly.\n- No, honey. Nobody does that.", "But I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.", "I'm gonna put my hand up your dog now.", "So you're saying\nyou would forbid me from going.", "Forbid? Who said forbid?", "I was just reminding you that there's this\nwedding coming up in a couple of months,", "and I was kind of hoping\nyou'd save the date.", "Look for me,\nI'll be the guy in the awesome suit.", "I mean, come on, Lily,\nit's what you've always wanted.", "Yeah, but there's a lot of things\nI've always wanted", "and I haven't done any of them.", "I'm sorry. I just need to do this\nbefore settling down forever.", "So now we've gone", "from \"I was never gonna do it\"\nto \"I need to do this.\"", "Did I leave the room at some point?\nWhen did that happen?", "Oh, maybe when you said\nyou wouldn't let me do it.", "I never said that!", "You know, if you're having\nthese kind of doubts now,", "what's gonna change in three months?", "Maybe we just shouldn't get married\nat all.", "Maybe not.", "Pause.\n- Pause.", "So are you just like starving?\n- Totally.", "Red Lobster?", "Oh, lobster, lobster, lobster,\nyou are delicious.", "Oh, God, I love butter sauce.\nThere's nothing bad about it.", "Say something bad about butter sauce,\nI dare you.", "I wouldn't dare.", "Marshall, no.", "We're on pause.\nThere's no crying in pause land.", "Pause land is a magical place", "with popcorn shrimp mounds\nand butter sauce rivers.", "Damn it!", "Ted, this is funny.", "Still funny.", "Still... And now it's sad.", "Hey, Penelope,\nyou sure I'm doing this right?", "I think so.", "Does it look anything\nlike a real rain dance?", "I think so.", "Hey, Penelope, have you ever actually seen\na rain dance performed?", "No.", "No?\n- I've read extensively on the subject.", "First-hand accounts,\ntheoretical criticisms, anthropological...", "Have you ever seen a rain dance?", "I've seen a film strip.", "Terrific. Look, I should run.", "I'm getting brain surgery from some guy\nwho's seen a couple episodes of ER,", "I can't believe this.", "We've been up here for the past hour\nmaking complete asses of ourselves.", "What do you mean \"we,\" white man?", "How did we get here?", "A couple of days ago,\nthe biggest problem in my life was,", "\"Did Ted eat the last pudding snack pack\nin the fridge?\"", "Think there's still one left.\n- Dibs.", "Unpause?\n- Unpause.", "Look, I know this sucks.", "It's just something I'm going through.", "I'm not asking you to understand it.\nI'm not asking you to be happy about it.", "I'm just asking you to support it.", "Look, I want to, Lily, okay?", "I really do. But I just can't.", "Why not?\n- Because you're scaring the hell out of me.", "That's why not.", "What if you decide to go be a painter,", "and then you realize\nI don't fit into your life anymore,", "and three months becomes forever?", "Can you promise me that\nthat's not gonna happen?", "Marshall...\n- 'Cause if you can't promise me that,", "we should just break up right now.", "I'm not gonna wait around\nfor three months", "just to have my heart ripped out.", "Marshall, I love you.", "Can you promise me that\nthat's not gonna happen?", "Pause.\n- No, Lily, we cannot pause this anymore.", "Can you promise me that\nthat's not gonna happen?", "Pause!\n- Why do you want me to pause?", "That's just a great use\nof the pause function, baby.", "Thank you.", "Hey, Ted, what you doing?", "A rain dance.", "Dude, that's not a rain dance.\nThat's a fat kid with a bee in his pants.", "Look, I highly doubt the Great Spirit's\na stickler for choreography.", "It's the thought that counts.", "She's leaving in half an hour.", "Dude, these are your awesome years,\nyou're wasting them on this girl.", "This isn't gonna work.\n- Yeah. I know that.", "Well, then why are you doing it?\n- Because I love her.", "I love her!", "I told her that the first\nnight we went out,", "and here it is, eight months later,\nand nothing's changed.", "So, yes, I know this isn't gonna work.", "But it has to work!", "Do you hear me, universe?", "This is Ted Mosby talking!", "Give me some rain!", "Come on!", "Come on!", "Come on!", "Oh, come on!", "Pushing the front\nback into the tri-state area,", "and giving Manhattan\none of its worst storms", "in over a decade,", "How about that? He did it.", "Robin. Hey, Robin.", "Oh, thank God you're here.", "My camping trip got rained out.", "I know. I'm sorry.", "It's not your fault.\n- Yeah, it is.", "Come down here.", "It's pouring. You come up.", "No, you have to come down here.", "Why?\n- Why?", "Because I made it rain.\nThat's what I did today.", "And that's enough.\nI've done my part, now get down here!", "I'm not dressed, Ted. You come up.", "I'm not coming up there, Robin, I'm not.", "You have to come down here.", "I was gonna...\n- I know.", "And that's how Robin and I\nended up together,", "Turns out all I had to do was make it rain,", "As I rode home the next morning,\nthe city looked the same,", "the people looked the same,\nit all looked the same,", "But it wasn't,", "In just one night, everything had changed,"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E01 Where Were We": ["Okay where were we?", "It was June of 2006,", "and life had just taken\nan unexpected turn.", "Dad, can't you just skip ahead\nto the part where you meet Mom?", "I feel like you've been talking\nfor like a year.", "Honey, all this stuff\nI'm telling you is important.", "It's all part of the story.", "Could I go to the bathroom?\n- No.", "The summer of 2006\nwas both wonderful and awful.", "For me, it started out great.", "In fact, day one was amazing.", "I'd finally gotten together with Robin.", "But while I'd been off having\none of the best nights of my life,", "your uncle Marshall had been having\none of the worst nights of his.", "So that's it?", "We're breaking up?", "Marshall, I'm sorry.\nI just...", "I just need to go to San Francisco\nand do this art program and", "-and figure out who I am outside of us.", "And the only way\nthat I can do that is if...", "if we don't talk for a while.", "For a while.", "Try never, okay?", "You walk out that door,\nand we're done.", "You're never going\nto hear my voice again.", "I should call her.", "No, No.\n- Ted it is--", "If you call her when she asked you not to\nyou're just going to look weak", "and you're going to regret it.", "Now, listen, whenever you feel like\ncalling her, you come find me first.", "And I will punch you in the face.", "You're a good friend, Ted.", "Hey.", "So, did you hear the big news?", "You mean how Lily and Marshall broke up,", "and Lily's gone and nothing else\neven remotely important happened last night,", "yeah, I think he knows.", "Oh, my God.", "I-I'm so sorry.\nWh--", "What happened?", "Well, she left.", "And I don't even know\nif she's coming back.", "I didn't get your message until I woke up.", "Bro, I am so sorry.\n- Thanks.", "I know it must be tough,", "but are you ready to hear something\nthat will not only make you feel better,", "but will actively excite you?", "Sure.", "For the first time, ever, the three of us\nare single at the same time.", "I've dreamed about this day, boys,\nand it's going to be legendary.", "Together, we will own this city.", "Anytime a girl wants to get back\nat her ex-boyfriends,", "we'll be there.", "Anytime a girl wants\nto solve her father issues", "through promiscuity and binge drinking,\nwe will be there.", "Anytime a bachelorette party\ndrives through the city in a limo,", "sticking their heads out\nthe sunroof shouting,", "\"What's up, New York?\"", "we will be what is up New York.", "Gentlemen, we are about to embark on...", "Aw, man, you guys did it, didn't you?", "Transcripts : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team\nwww.forom.com", "The Venom - $5 million GTD Poker Tourney\nDownload AmericasCardroom.com", "One thing I learned that summer\nis that when love is beginning...", "...and love is ending,\nthe first 30 days are remarkably similar.", "For one thing,\nyou spend most of your time in bed.", "Your friends can't stand to listen to you.", "It was a really beautiful song.", "So... stupid, man.", "And you never seem to wear pants.", "Hey, Marshall.\n- Hey, Ted.", "You hungry?", "What's the point?\nI could eat some food.", "It's just going to leave me.", "Well, at least in that scenario\nyou get to do the dumping.", "Come on, it's Sunday.\nIt's pancakes day.", "Lily always made the pancakes.", "God, I loved her pancakes.", "So soft.\nSo warm.", "So perfectly shaped.", "Are we still talking about her pancakes?", "Come on, you got to eat something;\nwhat can I get you?", "Beer.\n- No, that's what you had for dinner.", "Fine.", "Then I'll just have leftovers.", "So, he stays home all the time\nnot getting laid?", "No, see, that's what you do\nwhen you have a fianc\u00e9e.", "He should be down here celebrating.\nHe's free.", "He  got that redheaded tumor removed.", "You should write\nand illustrate children's books.", "You know what Marshall needs to do.", "He needs to stop being sad.", "When I get sad, I stop being sad\nand be awesome instead.", "True story.", "It's only been a month.", "He just needs to go at his own pace.", "Anyway, Lily's the one\nwho caused this whole mess.", "Hey, cut her some slack.", "She's our friend, too.\nShe's just trying to figure out who she is.", "Figure out who she is?", "Yeah, she should call me;\nI got a whole list.", "She's selfish.\nShe's immature. She's...", "What?", "God, your eyes are so blue.", "Teddy Bear.", "Oh that's a...", "Yeah, it was hard to feel too bad.", "I was dating the woman of my dreams,\nand things were going great.", "Well, for the most part.", "So, I found her shampoo.", "I guess she left it here.", "It smells like her.", "Like lavender and seashells and hope.", "Somehow, erotic and comforting\nall at the same time.", "That's my shampoo.", "Oh, sorry.", "Mmm, I thought he'd never go to sleep.", "Uh-oh.\n- Already?", "He's calling her.", "I don't hear any--\n- He's calling her.", "No.", "Okay, you're right,\nI won't call her.", "I  will not call her.", "Well, I called her.", "And get this, she changed her number.", "What, like I'm going to stalk her,\nor something?", "Like she's so special.", "Like she's the only Lily Aldrin out there.", "'Cause there are four others\nin the San Francisco area alone,", "and they all seem a lot better than her", "based on the brief conversations\nI had with them.", "Does he know I'm in here?\n- Yeah, hey, Robin.", "Anyways, one of the Lily Aldrins said...\n- This has to stop.", "Ted, we just started dating.", "We  agreed we don't want to move too fast,", "and yet somehow, we have a baby.", "He can't feed himself.", "He cries a lot, he keeps us up all night.\n- Have you tried breast-feeding?", "Nailed it!", "Look, they were together nine years.", "It's only been a month and a half.", "He just needs to go at his own pace.", "He slept on our floor last night, Ted.", "He watched a scary movie.\n- It is time for some tough love.", "We need to get him out of that apartment.", "He needs fresh air.\nHe needs sunshine.", "Mmm, sunshine.", "Gentlemen, please welcome\nto the stage, Sunshine.", "All right, I really don't think\nthis is going to help.", "Do you know why\nyou're not over Lily yet?", "It's 'cause you can still\npicture her naked.", "You can't get over a woman until\nyou can no longer picture her boobs;", "it's a scientific fact.", "The average male brain can only store\na finite number of boob images or \"b-pegs\".", "And your hard drive's\nfilled to capacity with Lily's.", "There are a lot of them.", "Well, they won't go away\nuntil you overwrite them", "with images of other women's boobs.", "Now, this journey may take\nas many as a million boobs,", "so we begin here tonight, my friend.", "Two at a time.", "Those count as four.", "Yeah.", "This is fun right?\nWe're outside, it's a beautiful day.", "The Indians are winning.", "I got to admit,\nit is really nice to be outside.", "Yankee fans, please turn your attention\nto the Diamond Vision for a special", "seventh-inning-stretch surprise\n- Oh, no.", "It's all a big lie!", "She's just going to break your heart.", "You can drag me out of here,\nbut she has no soul!", "We've tried everything--\nbaseball, strippers.", "The guy still won't eat a damn pancake.", "I think he's beyond repair.", "See, this is the problem with guys.", "You don't know\nhow to deal with heartbreak.", "Oh, and what's your prescription,\nDr. Estrogen?", "Eat Haagen-Dazs and watch Love Actually,\ntill your periods sync up.", "Yeah, that's the stuff.", "Oh, my God.", "How long have you been doing this?", "Well, my dad taught me to shoot\nwhen I was a kid.", "Whenever I'm feeling lonely\nor depressed, I come here,", "and it reminds me that... guns are fun.", "Um, you know,\nTed is kind of against guns.", "And that's why\nTed's never going to find out about this.", "Whoa, that sounded kind of scary\nwith me holding a gun, didn't it?", "No, I-I just mean, please don't tell Ted.", "You want to try?", "Only hell yeah.", "Oh, yeah, yeah, this is what I needed.", "I felt so powerless this whole time,\nbut this...", "this is power.\nThis is...", "I should of mentioned the recoil.", "I got to hand it to you, when he got home,\nMarshall was smiling--", "did you sleep with him?", "'Cause I was actually, like,\nthree days away from suggesting that.", "Sometimes, all you need is to get in touch\nwith your feminine side.", "Yeah, yeah!\n- Well, congratulations.", "You're the first person\nto cheer him up all summer.", "You win.\n- Oh, what do I win?", "I'll tell you what you win:\nI'm taking you away this weekend.", "You are?\nThat's so nice.", "Yeah, my aunt and uncle\nhave a beach house out in Montauk,", "oh, it's really romantic.", "My uncle's had like three affairs there.", "Wow, must be a nice house,\nI've seen pictures of your uncle.", "This is going to be so great.", "We'll finally get some time alone.", "Are you sure Marshall's\ngoing to be okay with this?", "Yeah, absolutely.\nDude, I'm doing much better.", "In fact, take my car.", "Really?\n- Yeah.", "Hey, thanks... and, hey,", "if you need anything day or night,\njust call me--", "You know what, please don't call me.", "What? What's wrong?", "It's, uh, Lily's credit card bill.", "She must have forgotten\nto switch her address.", "So?", "So, I wonder what kind of charges\nshe's making out there in San Francisco.", "No. No, no good can come\nfrom looking at this.", "You've made too much progress already.\n- I know but I just, maybe the--", "No!", "You're going to thank me for this.", "You're a good friend, Ted.", "August 5th, one charge-- tickets.", "To what? George Clinton\nand the P-Funk All-Stars.", "August 10th, one charge: Tennis Emporium.", "August 18th, two charges: Mario's Bistro", "and, get this, Pet Palace.", "You guys see what this means, right?", "Wow, Mario's Bistro.", "What a perfect place to whore around.", "Only the best for my little Lily pad.", "Oh, funk legend George Clinton,\nI am so glad you spotted me at your concert", "and dragged me on stage to dance\nwith you Courtney Cox-style.", "And I'm so glad you agreed\nto play tennis with me.", "You know, Marshall tried to get me\nto play tennis for nine years,", "but I didn't do it,\nbecause I never truly loved him.", "I got you a gift.", "Oh ! A ferret.", "Oh, I'll buy it some food next door\nat the Pet Palace.", "Oh, I've always wanted one,", "but Marshall had\nthis secret phobia of ferrets.", "I bet that's something\nhe made you promise not to tell nobody.", "It was.", "Oh.", "I love you, funk legend George Clinton.", "I love you, too, Lily.", "That's right, Marshall, she's all mine.", "Now I'm gonna let her play with my hair.", "# Ow, we want the funk. #", "# Give up the funk... #", "That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.", "Yeah, why are you afraid of ferrets?\nThey're adorable.", "Because, Robin,\nthey're like fuzzy, tube-shaped rats.", "Plus, those charges are from,\nlike, a month ago.", "Exactly.", "For new charges,\nyou have to go to her online account.", "You can see credit card activity from,\nlike, two hours ago.", "But, you know, don't.", "Why do you talk?\nWhy do you talk?!", "He needs her password.\nIt's not like he has her password.", "Ooh, this is good, he has her password.", "There's a charge from earlier today:\nthe Kellett Hotel on 5th.", "I  don't believe this.\nLily's back in New York.", "I can't believe this.", "Lily's in New York?", "I-I guess I've been thinking\nwhen she got back, she'd call me.", "That's really the only reason I've been able\nto hold it together so far this summer.", "This has been \"holding it together\"?", "Okay, you know what?\nI'm calling her.", "No.\n- Ted, give me the phone.", "You're not calling her,\nthis changes nothing.", "You, come here.", "Look, while we're away this weekend,\ncan you keep an eye on him,", "make sure he doesn't call that hotel?", "You want me to babysit him?", "20 bucks.", "An hour.", "And money for pizza.", "Uh, yeah, how about you do it for free or\nevery time we hang out, you have to watch this?", "Come here.", "My little blue-eyed baby, baby lips.\n- Ooh, ooh, sugar, sugar...", "Okay, I'll do it!\nStop being a couple.", "Marshall.\n- Marshall, Marshall!", "Ted, I know I shouldn't do this,\nbut I have to!", "You call her...\n- We were together...", "for nine years!\n- ...and everything we've been working so hard for", "is completely flushed down the toi...", "Hello, Lily Aldrin's room, please.", "Thank you.", "Hang up now.\n- Ted, I can't hang up now.", "Hang up now.\n- The missiles are in the air,", "and I know that you don't approve.\n- Hang up.", "Hello.", "Uh, a guy answered.", "There's-there's a guy in her room.", " I'm going down there.\n- Dude, you can't do that.", "I have to go down there,\nand I have to tell her I love her;", "I  have to beg her to take me back,", "even if I have to get down on my knees.", "Marshall, you can't do that.\n- Oh, really, why not?", "56 days.", "That's how long it took me\nto get right about here.", "Because you're pathetic!", "I'm sorry, but right now,\nyou are not Marshall.", "You are the miserable, whining,\nshampoo-sniffing ghost of Marshall,", "and frankly, a guy like you doesn't have\na shot in hell with a girl like Lily.", "You know who might have a shot\nsomewhere down the line.", "Marshall.", "The real Marshall.", "But if you go down there\nright now like this,", "you're going to blow it for him,\nand he's never going to forgive you.", "Of course, whatever I say,\nyou're just going to do the opposite, so", "have a great weekend.\nGood luck screwing up your life.", "Come on, Robin.", "Is it still okay if we borrow the car?", "Bold. Bold to go for the car.", "What?", "I didn't say a thing.", "You think I was too hard on him.", "I didn't say a thing.", "I can't believe you're accusing me\nof being too hard on him.", "You're the one who said \"tough love.\"", "Yeah, tough love,\nnot \"hand the guy a noose.\"", "Oh, but it's okay\nto hand him a nine millimeter?", "Yeah, he told me.", "So you're a gun nut?", "No, I'm a gun enthusiast.", "Do you know how many people...\n- The Second Amendment...", "are killed each year in accidents...\n- protects my right to bear arms...", "All right, all right, all right.", "I was too hard on him.", "A little.", "I'm going to call Barney,\nsee how they're doing.", "Go for Barney.", "Oh, hey, where are you guys?", "We're at a fundraiser, helping young women\nraise money for community college.", "Strip club, nice.", "Is Marshall okay?", "Yeah, he's here and he's great.\nUh, hang on.", "Marshall?\nTell Ted that--", "Uh-oh.", "Already?", "What? What uh-oh?", "He's gone.", "You lost him?", "I can't believe this.\nHe's gonna go down to that hotel.", "Crap, you're right. Okay, okay,\nhere's the plan, here's the plan.", "You go down to the hotel and find him.", "I'll stay here and get a lap dance.\nOn three. One, two...", "Barney!", "Was there a hot tub at your uncle's place?", "A really nice one.", "Hi, uh, could you tell me\nwhat room Lily Aldrin's in?", "Marshall.", "Hey.", "What happened?", "Well, I went up to Lily's floor,", "and I had this little speech in my head--", "everything I've been wanting to say to her\nall summer about love, loyalty, respect.", "I knocked on the door.", "So you knocked out Lily's new boyfriend?", "Yeah.", "It wasn't Lily's boyfriend.", "What? Who-- who was it?", "His name was Joey Adalian,", "although he went by a number\nof aliases in his years as an identity thief.", "Apparently, earlier in the summer...", "Oh, this is so embarrassing.", "I-I could have sworn I had some change.", "I know, I know.\nI'm sorry.", "Oh, here we go.", "No, that's-that's a button.", "It was a button.", "Do you, uh, take credit cards?\n- Yes, I do.", "So Lily's not back in town,\nand she doesn't have a boyfriend?", "Th-That's good news, right?", "Yeah.", "I don't know.", "Those credit card charges were the only\nremaining connection I had to her.", "I don't know where she is\nor what she's doing.", "She was my whole life, man,\nand now she's-she's gone.", "You know, first day of college, I showed up,", "I was so freaked out, and-and I got up\nto my room, and there was my roommate,", "lying on the bed\nwith his feet up on the wall.", "Had headphones on, big smile on his face\nlike he just didn't give a crap.", "Happy.", "Confident.", "Not afraid of anything.", "That guy was you.", "You before you met Lily.", "Ted?", "Yeah?", "I was high that day.", "I was. I was so high,\nI thought you were the dean.", "Wh-What I'm saying is there's a version\nof you without Lily, and it's not this.", "You can't let Lily steal your identity\nthe way that guy stole hers.", "Okay.", "Okay, resolved.", "Starting tomorrow,\nI'm going to start being okay.", "Cheers.\n- Cheers.", "But he wasn't,\n'cause that's not how life works.", "The next day,\nhe found one of her socks or something,", "and we were back to square one.", "And then, one morning...", "Ted, I think you should see this.", "Oh, no, what now?", "Marshall, what are you doing?", "It's Sunday.", "It's pancakes day.", "It took him 67 days and\none really disgusting batch of pancakes...", "So good.", "So good.", "...but Marshall\nhad come back from the dead.", "Because while baseball, strippers,\nand guns can help,", "the only thing that\ncan really heal a broken heart is time.", "# I try to laugh about it #", "# Cover it all up with lies #", "# I try to laugh about it #", "# Hiding the tears from my eyes #", "# 'Cause boys don't cry. #", "Support us and become VIP member\nto remove all ads from OpenSubtitles.org"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E02 The Scorpion and the Toad": ["Marshall and Lily had been\ntogether for nine wonderful years,", "until she dumped him and\nran off to San Francisco.", "The healing process\nwas taking a long time.", "Then, one night,\nhe made a giant leap forward.", "All right,\nI'll see you guys later.", "I'll walk you out.", "See ya.", "You just checked\nout Robin's ass.", "What? No! No, Barney, I was...", "Dude, that's awesome.", "You're finally forgetting\nabout that short redhead.", "Lily.", "Yes, Lily. Thank you. That was\ngoing to drive me crazy all night.", "Hey, Ted, Marshall just checked\nout your girlfriend's ass.", "I did not, Ted, I...\n- That's awesome.", "You're finally getting better.", "This is the moment\nI've been waiting for.", "Starting tonight,\nI am going to teach you how to live.", "Ted, you had your chance.\nYou're out; Marshall's in.", "Yes!\n- Oh, God.", "Marshall, being a single guy\nin New York City is like...", "What's something\neverybody likes?", "Candy.", "Yes, it's like being\nin a candy store.", "You just walk right in and\ngrab yourself some Whoppers.", "Yeah.", "Is Whoppers the best one?", "Mounds.", "Milk Duds.", "Gobstoppers.", "This went on for another hour;", "I'll just skip to the end.", "Dubble Bubbles.\n- Nice!", "Marshall. We're doing this.", "I am not taking\nno for an answer.", "Fine.", "Hey, Robin.\nMarshall checked out your ass.", "Ted, what is wrong with you?", "He checked out my ass.", "Hey, tell him thanks.\nI felt like I was having a bad ass day.", "Cool, see ya.", "Lily.", "It is a great ass.", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "None of us had seen\nLily in three months.", "There were so many\nunanswered questions,", "so many things to say.", "Your hair is adorable.", "Meanwhile, Barney was taking\nMarshall out to meet women", "for the first time\nsince he was 17.", "Hi. Have you met Marshall?", "Hi.\n- Hi.", "Look how sweaty my hands are.", "It's weird, right? Uh, sweat?", "Like, this smelly water\ncoming out of your skin.", "It was nice meeting you.", "I-I-I hate to interrupt,\nbut, uh,", "do you like magic?", "Um, I guess.", "Oh, my God!", "Anyway, Marshall\nhere is awesome.", "Salad in a bag? His idea.", "Dude! You were\nawesome last night.", "You were charming,\nyou were funny,", "you were totally\nworking that girl.", "You went home with her.", "Yes, I did.", "But she told me that\nif it wasn't for me,", "you would have had\na shot with her,", "so, in hypothetical terms,\nyou scored last night.", "All right!", "Hypothetical high five.", "Nice.", "All right.\nTonight, we're going to go to the bar...", "Barney, no,\nI am not going out with you ever again.", "Come on! I'll,\nI'll teach you all of my strategies.", "Oh, really?", "My favorite, number seven:", "create a mystery\nabout yourself.", "That way, they become so intrigued, they\nhave to hang out with you all night.", "Oh,  come on,\ndoes that really work?", "Maybe it does,\nand maybe it doesn't.", "Damn it, that's intriguing.\nOkay, I'm in.", "I have something you've got to hear.\n- You will not believe what just happened.", "You go first.", "I found a 1939d\npenny on the subway.", "Just imagine the kind of history\nthis little copper guy...", "Lily's back in town.", "And you let me go first?", "Have you seen her?", "Yeah. I actually went\napartment-hunting with her today.", "How's she doing?", "You're not going to like it.", "I am doing great.", "This summer, best thing ever!", "San Francisco is so\nhappening right now.", "She's happy?!", "Marshall had the worst summer\nof his life, and she's happy.", "Yeah, and I suppose her art program\nwas all fulfilling or whatever.", "Oh. The art program--\nbest thing ever.", "Oh, my God.", "This is your best work.", "In all my years teaching,\nI've never seen anything so...", "Needless to say, this is art.", "I can't teach you anything.", "But the best part of S.F.--", "Oh, that's what we\ncall San Francisco--", "the people.", "Even just riding around\non the bus all summer.", "It was like a human tapestry.", "Hi, I'm Mike.", "I'm a Buddhist monk slash\nadventure-traveler writer.", "I'm Paula.\nI sing in a punk band for children.", "Yeah.", "I'm Dan, I'm a neurosurgeon.", "You are stunning, by the way.", "Wow. I'm so happy for you.", "Oh, she's such a...", "After what she did to Marshall,\nshe should come back here devastated,", "crawling on all fours over the broken\nglass of her own shame and regret.", "You never chose sides.\nI respect that.", "She's unbelievable.\nUnbelievable.", "Unbelievable?\nWhat's unbelievable?", "Oh. Listen, Marshall.", "Ted found a penny on the subway,\nand it's old, and that's interesting.", "Way to go.", "Okay, first of all,\nthat is interesting.", "Second, we have to tell him.", "No, we don't. He's just starting to\nget better, going out with Barney.", "I mean, how do you think he's going to\nfeel when he hears Lily's moved on?", " She's moved on?\n- It happens.", "I've fallen out of love\nfaster than that before,", "sometimes, boom,\nwith no warning whatsoever.", "One day we're in love,\nthe next day, he's dead to me.", "But we're great.", "Honey.", "Now, let's review Barney's\nrules for mating without dating.", "Lesson two, corollary five.", "Make a beautiful woman feel\nself-conscious and unattractive", "and she'll be putty\nin your hands.", "Excellent. Have you\nchosen your entree?", "I have.\nSweet brunette, eight o'clock.", "Nine o'clock. Ten... thirty.", "She's walking to the bar.", "Her? Really?\n- Yeah.", "No, you're right.\nAmbition is the enemy of success.", "Okay. Hit it.", "What's the matter, four eyes,\nyou got astigmatism or something?", "I'm sorry,\nI was trying to playfully disarm you,", "but I just got out of\na long relationship.", "I have no idea what I'm doing.", "I'm Marshall.", "Hi, Marshall. Amy.", "Don't worry. I've been there.", "Hold on.", "Nice recovery.\nI think it's working.", "Um, Amy.\nThis is my friend, Barney.", "Barney, this is Amy.", "Hi, Barney. Nice to meet you.", "Hi.", "Amy, do you like... magic?", "I hate you.\n- I am so sorry.", "It's a sickness.\nI'm the real victim here.", "Twice.", "Twice in a row, you took my candy.\nThat was my candy.", "I know, but tonight...\n- No. Forget it.", "You're such a jackass.", "I thought you were\ngonna call me a jerk.", "All right, I'm sorry.\nI will make it up to you.", "Tonight, we'll go to a\ncollege bar near NYU--", "The Scorpion and the Toad.", "I figure in a younger crowd you'll\nseem more mature, more worldly", "and, as a third-year\nlaw student, more smarter.", "Okay, but no magic.", "How did you do that?", "I'm taking a leak, dumb ass.", "The next day, Robin and I went\napartment-hunting with aunt Lily.", "But I need the freedom to\nreally chase my passion,", "which was painting,\nbut now I think it's music", "or spoken word-- maybe both.", "God! Isn't life amazing?", "It is so great to see you, Ted.", "I'm  going to get the\nkey from the lockbox.", "What?", "She's miserable. She's realized\nshe's made a huge mistake.", "Her and Marshall will be back\ntogether in a week. I love it!", "Um, no.\nYou just want Lily to be miserable.", "The truth is, she's happy.", "Trust me.\nI've known Lily for nine years.", "Trust me. I'm a girl.", "Yeah, but you're Canadian.", "Why do you always have to bring that up?\n- You're our weird neighbors to the north.", "You bring it up every time.\n- Five bucks says she still wants Marshall.", "You're on.", "Five American bucks.", "Damn it.", "Okay, so how do we get\nthe truth out of her.", "Tequila. It's her weakness.", "Three shots, she'll tell you\nthe truth about anything.", "I hope this is my new home.", "Yeah, I'm going to take\nthat first apartment.", "Marshall Eriksen, suit up!", "No way.", "Yeah, you're good in that.", "Let's go.\n- Wait.", "Empty your pockets.", "Come on.", "Come on, let's...\n- Sleeves.", "There is nothing in my...\n- Oh, is that right?", "Let's go.", "Behind my ear.\n- There is nothing behind your...", "Yeah, I'm in pre-law.\nThe workload's killing me, though.", "Oh, tell me about it.\nI'm third year at Columbia Law, so...", "if the workload does kill you,\nI can probably get a conviction.", "Yeah.", "You must be majoring\nin chemistry,", "'cause what I'm picking\nup between us is, uh...", "College lesbian phase.", "Listen,  I got to go,\nbut it'd be great to see you again.", "Yes, it would.", "It really would.", "Well, maybe I'll see\nyou here sometime.", "Probably not.\nI'm never here, so...", "You know,\nI do have a phone number.", "Great.", "Nice.", "Hi, I'm Barney.\n- Oh, no.", "Do you... mind giving my friend\nyour phone number?", "Sure.", "Whoo!", "I did it!\nI got a girl's phone number.", "Oh, and her handwriting\nis so cute, look.", "Oh, I'm gonna take her\nout for Chinesr food", "and then maybe we'll\nwalk through the park.", "It'll be so... what?", "Sorry, buddy,\nI'm taking this one, too.", "I'll  kill you!", "And then, I discovered this area,\nNorth Beach.", "Best beach ever!", "Oh, I've been blabbering\non about my summer.", "How are you guys doing?", "And hey, how's Marshall?", "Give me the card!\n- I'm not giving you any card.", "I swear...!\n- You are not getting...!", "Terrific.", "That is so good to hear.\nOh, hold on.", "This could be about\nthe apartment.", "Okay, we're way\npast truth-telling-Lilly", "and about to\nhit Cinco-de-Mayo-1998-Lilly", "and I'm not cleaning\nthat up again.", "So, congratulations, you win.", "She's happy.", "I didn't get it.", "That first apartment, I...", "I waited too long and...", "somebody else got it.", "Interesting.", "Wow, Lily, you, uh...", "seem to be having a pretty strong\nreaction on losing an apartment.", "I wonder if it's because it reminds\nyou of something else you lost", "because you couldn't commit.", "No, Lily,\nyou're crying over the crown molding", "and the real hardwood floors.\nThere's no deeper meaning.", "Right, Lily?\nJust quit crying and tell him.", "The apartment is a\nmetaphor for Marshall.", "Stop it!\n- You don't want to see...", "..what I'm like when I'm angry.\n- It's my card!", "Stop! Hold on!", "If we can't settle\nthis like gentlemen,", "then no one gets the number.", "No! Stop the cab.\n- Wha...?", "No, wait. Come on. Marshall!", "81st and First, please.", "Ah, she does have\ncute handwriting.", "The thing about a hangover", "is that everyone has\ntheir own special remedy.", "Morning, guys.\nWhat can I get you?", "Shh!", "Bring me the dirtiest,\ngreasiest tuna melt you got.", "And a milkshake.", "For you, sir?", "Gravy.", "You want that\ngravy on something?", "Surprise me.", "I'd take you with gravy if my\nboyfriend wasn't sitting right here.", "Just kidding. I'm good.", "What are you so chirpy about?", "She's still drunk\nfrom last night.", "I don't think so.", "Whoo!", "Look, if you want\nMarshall back so bad,", "how come it took you two\ndays to even ask about him?", "I was dying to ask.\nI was just trying to play it cool.", "But really...", "But it's good, I mean,\nwork is great...", "Come on, say something about Marshall.\nWhere's Marshall?", "How's Marshall?\nWhat's Marshall doing right now?", "Shut up and talk about Marshall.\nShut up and talk about Marshall.", "Shut up and talk about Marshall.\nMarshall, Marshall,", "Marshall, Marshall...\nI've got to ask!", "And hey, how's Marshall?", "It was such an awful summer.", "I just wanted to get\nback here and see him.", "But I thought your\nsummer was great.", "Not exactly.", "Oh, my God.", "This is you best work?", "In all my years teaching,\nI've never seen anything so needless.", "To say this is... art...", "I can't teach you anything.", "So all those interesting\npeople you met on the bus?", "Yeah, um...", "Hi. I'm Mike.", "I'm a Buddhist monk slash\nadventure travel writer.", "I'm Paula.\nI sing in a punk band for children.", "Hey, I'm Dan. I'm a neurosurgeon.\nYou are stunning, by the way.", "I never got in touch because\nI was too embarrassed.", "I screwed everything up.", "I have no job,\nno place to live.", "I lost the love of my life.", "I know I have no right\nto ask this, but...", "do you think Marshall\nwould take me back?", "In a heartbeat.", "If you called him up, yeah,\nhe'd take you back with open arms.", "Wow. So maybe\nI should call him.", "Maybe.", "No! This is... Ow!", "Hold on.", "Look, if you're going\nto go back to him,", "I don't want to hear\nthe word \"maybe.\"", "\"Maybe\" cannot be\nin your vocabulary.", "This breakup almost killed him.", "And he cannot go\nthrough it again.", "So, unless you're absolutely certain,\nstay the hell away from him.", "This guy likes pennies.", "Hi, Marshall.", "No, go away.\nI don't want to talk to you.", "Okay, I know what I did a couple\nnights back is in a moral gray area.", "But the great news is,\nshe loved you.", "If things had gone your way--\nyou'd gone out a couple times,", "I think she definitely\nwould have had sex with you.", "There's no \"would\" in sex.", "You're right, I totally...\nI'm just no good at this, Barney.", "I'm good at being in a couple,\nI'm good at being Lily's boyfriend.", "Being single-- forget it.", "Come on, you can't give up now.", "What if I told you that\nyou could relive that night", "with the exact same conversations,\nthe exact same jokes", "only this time,\nyou get her and I don't.", "That's not possible.", "Oh, but it is.", "She has...", "wait for it...", "here it comes...", "almost there...", "an identical twin.", "Yes!", "A twin isn't the same person.", "Of course it is.\nWhat do you think identical means?", "\"Ident\"-- same, \"ical\"-- person.\nSame person.", "Hey, we could double date.", "Fine.", "But you have to promise me,\nyou're not going to steal my new twin,", "and leave me with your old,\nused-up twin.", "U sed-up?", "They're a human being,\nMarshall.", "So Uncle Marshall and\nUncle Barney went out", "on a double date\nwith the twins.", "How you doing?", "Great. Amazing.\nThis is so much fun.", "And I think me and the\ngirl are really clicking.", "You are, you definitely are.", "Listen, you're going\nto have to leave now.", "I just talked with the twins,\nand get this,", "I'm going home\nwith both of them.", "Yeah. That's happening.", "It is impossible that you're\ndoing this to me again.", "But they're twins.", "You-- you said to me\nthat being single", "would be like being\nin a candy store.", "Well, it's not,\nit's not like a candy store.", "It's a lawless,\npostapocalyptic wasteland.", "I may be your best friend...\n- Actually Ted's my best friend.", "But in this world,\nit's every hombre for himself.", "That's what being single is.", "And after nine\nyears in captivity,", "that is the single greatest lesson\nI can teach you", "about surviving in the wild.", "Now, if you'll excuse me...", "I have two unique breasts", "and two duplicates\nwaiting for me.", "Oh, bad news--\nMarshall got food poisoning.", "What?\n- Oh, no.", "That's too bad.\nI really liked him.", "Yeah. Well, I guess\nwe're just a threesome tonight.", "Lily, what are you doing here?", "Oh, I was just walking by.\nI wasn't...", "Oh, you mean New York?\nMy program ended.", "It was just great.\nJust lots of fun...", "It was awful.\nIt was the worst mistake I ever made.", "I'm so sorry,\nMarshall, and... hello.", "Lily, this was the\nworst summer of my life.", "I know.\nIt was the worst summer of my life.", "It was the hardest thing that\nI've ever had to go through.", "Can we please get\nback together?", "All that crap you\nsaid to me about,", "\"we need to figure out\nwho we are outside of us,", "and we need to learn to\ndo things on our own,\"", "it broke my heart.", "Three months ago,\nyou broke my heart.", "Can we please get\nback together?", "Lily, you were right.", "All that crap was right.", "So, no.", "No, we can't get back together.", "We shouldn't.", "At least, not right now.", "Wow.", "Okay.", "Yeah.", "Well...", "Will we still see each other?", "Yeah, yeah.", "I think so.", "I don't know.", "This is all really new to me.", "I just got out of a\nlong relationship.", "I like your hair.", "Thanks.", "I figured new city,\na different color...", "And the pizza there,\nworst pizza ever.", "I'm so glad to be\nback in New York.", "Listen, if there's anything\nI can do to even begin", "to make things up to you...", "Actually there may be something\nthat you can do for me,", "but you can never\never ask me why.", "So then I was promoted to\nassistant m\u00e9nage-er...", "Manager-- why do\nI keep doing that?", "Lily?\n- You gave me chlamydia, you jerk.", "So where was I?\nAh, yes, assistant m\u00e9nage-er...", "I did it again.\nI can't believe it.", "You gave my twin sister chlamydia.\nYou slime!", "Wha... wait, I know magic.", "Well played, Eriksen.", "Well played.", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team\nwww.forom.com", "Support us and become VIP member\nto remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E03 Brunch": ["It was taken back in 2006, when\nGrandma and Grandpa came to visit me", "and we all went out to brunch.", "We all look pretty\nhappy, right?", "Wrong.", "I wish your face\nwould melt off.", "I wish your eyeballs\nwould explode.", "I hate you.\n- I hate you more.", "I'm going to kill him.\n- I can't say I blame you.", "No, I mean I'm seriously\ngoing to kill him.", "I don't care how unpleasant it is.\nYou have to talk to him.", "Not now.\n- Okay, if you don't, I will.", "Robin...", "Okay, for any of this to make sense,\nyou got to understand,", "there are three\nparts to this story.", "Let's start with the\nMarshall and Lily part.", "As a 30th anniversary gift, I had flown\nmy parents to New York for the weekend.", "Oh, I forgot to tell you,\nyour cousin Jimmy", "had a wonderful time at\nthat spa he visited.", "You mean the spa the judge ordered\nhim to go to to quit cocaine?", "Coffee?", "Now, Grandma and Grandpa didn't\nlike to talk about things", "that were\nuncomfortable, emotional,", "or in any way... real.", "Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Mosby.", "Oh, Lily! Hi, Marshall.", "Good to see you.", "I was just stopping by to\npick up some of my things.", "Yes, we were so sorry\nto hear about your...", "you know, the, the...", "Well...", "Lily calling off the\nwedding and dumping me?", "Me begging Marshall to take\nme back and him rejecting me?", "I love your hair.", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "This was only the second\ntime Marshall and Lily", "had seen each other\nsince breaking up,", "but to their credit,\nit wasn't that awkward.", "Actually, we're cool.", "We just divided up CDs.\nIt was all very civil.", "I'm proud of us;\nwe're, we're good.", "Well, we were all going to\ngo to Casa a Pezzi at 8:00.", "Lily, would you\nlike to join us?", "Um...", "What?", "Well, I-I don't want to go if it\nwould make you uncomfortable.", "Why would it?", "Well, I mean, yeah, we're...\nwe're good,", "but you got to admit there's\nthat stuff between us.", "Um, not for me.", "Now it's just like\nwe're friends.", "It's like we're\nbrother and sister.", "\"Brother and sister\"?!", "Okay. Fine, yeah,\nI'll see you at the restaurant, bro.", "See? Not awkward at all.", "Hello, everyone.\n- Hi.", "Hello, Marshall.", "Lily, that is a stunning dress.", "Oh, thanks.", "It's kind of revealing,\nbut I thought,", "\"Hey, we're all\nfamily.\" Right, bro?", "What's wrong?", "Oh, I,\nI hurt my ankle in yoga today.", "The instructor told me to\njust take deep breaths", "to get through\nthe pain, just...", "Are you all right?\nYou're kind of sweating.", "No, I'm fine. It's just...", "this roll is really spicy.", "Lily is evil!", "She just wore that\ndress to torture me.", "Well, you know what?\nTwo can play at that game.", "See, at brunch,\nI'm going to torture Lily right back.", "Yeah. There's a part of my body\nthat she's got a weakness for, too.", "Dude, you can't whip\nthat out at brunch.", "No, not that.", "I'm going to unleash my calves.", "That's crazy.", "Nobody's turned on\nby men's calves.", "They're a thoroughly\nunerotic body part.", "Well, yeah, I'd say that, too, if I\nhad those skinny little chicken legs.", "I'll be waiting by the\nphone for your apology.", "So Marshall showed up\nat brunch with a plan.", "Hello.\n- Oh, hi.", "Hey, Marshall.\n- Hey.", "Hey. How are you feeling?", "You looked kind of\nfeverish last night.", "Oh, no, I actually feel great.", "It is kind of warm in here,\nthough, isn't it?", "Oh, I don't know,\nif anything, it's kind of...", "What are you doing?", "Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.", "I'm  just making myself feel a\nlittle bit more... comfortable.", "Oh.", "Oh, yes.", "I've been doing all these\ntoe lifts lately, and so...", "my calves have really\nbeen cramping up.", "Take off your dress.", "Take off the rest\nof your pants.", "I really wasn't\nexpecting that to happen.", "Yeah, me neither. It kind of\ncomplicates things, doesn't it?", "Yeah, it does. Why did you have to\nthrow your magnificent calves at me?", "You know you have\na punter's leg.", "Well, why did you have to throw\nyour beautiful boobs at me?", "You know you have... boobs.", "Just admit it,\nyou came here trying to seduce me.", "Seduce you? You seduced me.", "You  sat down next to me and\ntook most of your pants off.", "You went to San Francisco\nfor three months.", "How is that seducing you?", "Well, it's not but I'm\nstill mad about it.", "All right, that's it--\nI want The Beatles Anthology.", "Oh, well, that's too bad;\nI'm keeping it.", "And you know the U2\nbox set I gave you?", "Look inside--\nall Dave Matthews.", "You are evil.", "Smile.", "I'm going to kill him.", "I can't say I blame you.", "No, I mean I'm seriously\ngoing to kill him.", "Now let's talk about the\nBarney part of the story.", "This was going to be Robin's\nfirst time meeting my parents,", "so  we were both\na little nervous.", "Barney, what are\nyou doing here?", "Uh... I'm here to\nmeet your parents.", "They must be dying\nto meet me after all", "the legendary Barney\nstories you've told them.", "I haven't told them any\nlegendary Barney stories.", "What?", "Barney, here is a list of all the things\nI talk with my dad about: baseball.", "But I'm your best friend.", "Well, actually Marshall's my...", "I'm the most important\nperson in your life.", "Well, Robin's actually...", "How could your parents\nnot know about me?", "I'm delightful.", "To us, sure, in very small,\ninfrequent doses.", "I mean, come on,\nyou're not exactly the kind of friend", "parents want their kid to have.", "Oh, really?", "Then I guess those\nshoes aren't the thing", "you're most wrong about today.", "Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.\n- Ted.", "I know you've all been\nexcited to meet...", "Barney Stinson.\nAn honor to meet the two of you.", "That needlepoint \"Bless This\nMess\" pillow you made for Ted--", "what a stitch.", "Stitch! Did that just happen?", "Uh, Mom, Dad,\nthis is my girlfriend, Robin.", "Hello.\n- Hello.", "Oh, it's wonderful\nto meet you, Robin.", "Oh, you are so pretty.\nIsn't she pretty, Al?", "A real looker.", "That's funny, I didn't even\n\"look\" in the mirror today.", "That's not anything, is it?", "So, I made a reservation at\nSan Marino tonight for 8:00.", "San Marino.", "Oh, you're serious? Yikes.", "No. We have to\ntry Casa A Pezzi.", "Best salmon risotto\nI have ever had.", "I love salmon risotto.", "I know.", "How are we supposed to get\na table at Casa A Pezzi?", "They're booked for weeks.", "Well, lucky for you,\nI happen to know the head waitress,", "which is ironic because...", "Ironic because we both work at a\nhomeless shelter where I serve the food.", "Where do you volunteer, Robin?", "What's the matter with you?", "I'm his girlfriend,\nand I'm not even trying that hard.", "Way to wreck the\ncurve, kiss-ass.", "Robin, I'm his best friend.", "That's a commitment.", "Girlfriend, that's\nlike a bad flu.", "Out of your system after\na couple weeks in bed.", "High five.", "Can I help?", "Yes, you can, Virginia.", "There's a story behind that broach,\nand I'm going to hear it.", "Well, funny you should ask.", "Whoa! Bravo, Barney.", "That is my all-time\nfavorite sonata.", "Barney, you are\njust delightful.", "No, Virginia, you're delightful,\nI am deligh-ted.", "And he's just Ted.", "I'm really not planning these things;\nthey just keep happening.", "Whoops. I think I dropped\nan ice cube down here.", "Ow, it's so cold.", "All right, that's it,\nI'm out of here.", "In a minute.", "Anyone up for a\ndrink at MacLaren's?", "No, I'm kind of tired.\n- Me, too.", "Yeah, I'm sure my\nfolks are gonna want...", "I feel like I could knock\nback a few cervezas.", "Cervezas?", "Did he fall?", "I'd join you, too, but I want to\nget up early for Mass tomorrow.", "St. Peter's, 8:45 a.m.,\nit's my favorite service.", "Wait a minute-- you're able to\ncross the threshold of a church?", "I'll save you a seat.", "Oh, you are just terrific.", "Isn't he, Susan?", "Robin.", "Susan, her name is Virginia.", "Dude, I am sincerely ticked\nat your dad right now.", "Why?", "Last night,\nwe go to MacLaren's for a drink, right?", "So Barney darts back\ninto the burning house,", "lifts up the refrigerator\nI'm pinned under", "and pulls me to safety.", "Whoa. You're like a hero.", "Oh, I'm no hero, Wendy.", "You know who is a hero?", "My Dalmatian, Smokey.", "He... didn't... make it out.", "I'm sorry.", "You poor, brave man.", "Why don't you give\nthe guy a hug?", "I'm... oh.", "My dad was your wingman?", "This is really\nmessing with my head.", "Barney, is my dad cool?", "I'm not done.", "So, your dad stays\nto finish his drink,", "but I take off because I have to be\nup early for Mass with your mom.", "Sure.", "Anyway, I realize that I left my\nphone on the bar, so I come back...", "Oh, my God...", "Oh, my God.", "Is that really...", "Oh, my God!\n- I know.", "Can you believe your dad\nrack-jacked me like that?", "My dad made out with\nWendy the waitress?", "He cheated on my mom?\nNo, that's impossible.", "Ted, it's a well-known\nstatistic that 83% of people", "married longer than six months\nare seeing someone on the side.", "Do you know that when you make up\na statistic, you always use \"83%\"?", "You think I'm lying.", "Well, have you done any\nsurveys on the subject?", "Because the good people at\nwww.swingers.open-marriage-is natural\\", "legalize-polygamy.org have,\nand they beg to differ.", "That's not a real Web site.", "Oh, and I suppose I didn't get a real\nT-shirt for running in their 10K.", "Hi, Dad.\n- Hey, Ted. Barney.", "Enjoying your vacation so far?\n- Oh, yeah.", "Uh, listen,\ncan I speak to you outside for a sec?", "Sure.", "So you went out with\nBarney last night?", "Yeah.", "You have a good time?", "Oh, yeah, yeah.\nSorry you couldn't join us.", "Yeah.", "So...", "What?", "Well...", "Well what?", "You think Cerrano's got\na shot at the RBI title?", "I wanted to confront him,\nbut I couldn't.", "I guess I got the let's-not-talk-\nabout-anything-uncomfortable gene", "Well, you didn't get your dad's\nclose-the-deal gene, that's for sure.", "Smile.", "Great.", "I don't care how unpleasant it is.\nYou have to talk to him.", "Not now.", "Okay, if you don't, I will.", "Robin...!", "Okay, now I got to back up\nall the way to the beginning", "to tell you the me and\nRobin part of the story.", "We were expecting my\nparents at any minute.", "One last thing about my mom.", "She grills every single\none of my girlfriends", "about when we're gonna\nget married and have kids.", "But this is the first\ntime she's meeting me.", "Doesn't matter.", "And you'll know it's coming when\nshe mentions my cousin Stacy--", "six kids in five years.", "The woman's basically\na ride at a water park.", "But I don't want to get\nmarried and have kids.", "What am I supposed to say?", "You know what?", "You're an adult with\nperfectly valid opinions.", "You shouldn't have to\napologize for them.", "I'm gonna lie.\n- I would.", "Thanks again for letting\nme have the U2 box set.", "I know how important\nit is to you.", "I talked to Aunt\nCaroline the other day.", "Stacy's pregnant again.", "Oh, good for her.", "So, dear...\n- Oh, boy.", "Tell us what it's like\nbeing a journalist.", "I'm just not ready.", "Okay. No pressure.", "Oh. Uh, I thought you, um...", "It's great.", "Good.", "Focus on your job now,\nbecause your career clock is ticking.", "There's time for marriage and kids\nand all that other stuff later.", "Ooh,  a piano!", "You lucked out with my\nmom last night, huh?", "What a relief, right?", "Oh,  absolutely.", "Whew, what a relief it is to\nknow I'm the one girlfriend", "your mom doesn't want\nyou to have kids with.", "Hooray?", "I  mean, did she really think that\nyour college girlfriend Cheryl", "would pop out\nattractive children?", "'Cause I've seen pictures,\nand, I'm sorry,", "that girl had a brow\nridge like a caveman.", "Come on, she was just\nfrowning under direct light.", "And besides, that's not even what\nI liked about her. It was her...", "It's not important.", "What happened to\nMarshall and Lily?", "They've been fighting lately.", "They're probably off\nsomewhere going at it.", "More coffee?", "Oh, no, thank you.", "Isn't she sweet?", "Well, if she's so sweet,\nmaybe she should have Ted's babies.", "Excuse me?", "Nothing.", "Just a minute.", "Maybe less.", "Robin, dear.\nDid I say something to upset you?", "Why don't you want me\nto have your grandkids?", "Do you want to\nhave my grandkids?", "No! I mean, I don't know.", "I just... I want you to want me\nto want to have your grandkids.", "And you should.\nI'm a genetic gold mine.", "No family history of\ndiabetes or heart disease.", "Everyone has nonporous\nteeth and perfect eyesight.", "I had one schizophrenic uncle,\nbut even he had perfect vision.", "Which was unfortunate", "for the people around\nthe bell tower he was in,", "but still he was a\nvery fine man, and...", "Excuse me. Sorry.\nDidn't know that there was a line.", "Marshall, your zipper.", "Robin, it's not that I\ndon't want grandkids.", "It's just I don't think anyone\nshould make the mistake", "of getting married too young.", "Why do you say that?", "I mean, you got married pretty young.\nThat wasn't a mistake.", "Was it?", "Well...", "Okay, there's something\nyou don't know.", "Smile.", "I wish your face\nwould melt off.", "I wish your eyeballs\nwould explode.", "I'm gonna kill him.", "I don't care how unpleasant it is,\nyou have to talk to him.", "Not now.\n- Okay, if you don't, I will.", "Robin...!", "Oh, gosh, let me help you\npick those up, sweetheart.", "Sweetheart? Sweetheart?!", "The only sweetheart in your\nlife should be the woman", "you married 30 years ago,\nnot the waitress at the bar last night", "and not this clumsy floozy!", "I'm sorry, you're not a floozy.", "I'm upset,\nI don't know what I'm saying.", "But stay away from my dad.", "Ted, what are you\ntalking about?", "Dad?", "You, uh, want to tell Mom what\nhappened at the bar last night?", "Okay.", "I hooked up with a waitress.", "Oh.", "Oh?", "I mean, oh!", "Oh! Ooh!", "We're going to have a serious talk\nabout this when we get home, Al.", "Oh, ooh!", "Serious talk? Mom, what...?", "He was kissing another woman.\nDon't you care?", "Mrs. Mosby?", "Ted, we weren't quite sure\nhow to tell you this...", "Your mother and I are divorced.", "What do you mean you're divorced?\nSince when?", "Oh, gosh,\nit's been about nine months now.", "Closer to ten, I think.", "Time flies.", "So ten months ago,\nyou just up and decided", "to get divorced\nwithout telling me?", "No, it wasn't a snap decision.", "We'd been separated\nalmost two years.", "How could you not\ntell me this?!", "We meant to, it just never\nseemed like the right time.", "So last Christmas...?", "We talked about\ntelling you kids then,", "but it didn't seem\nvery Christmasy.", "I got you a tandem bike.", "Oh, it didn't go to waste. Your mother\nand Frank ride it all the time.", "Who the hell is Frank?!", "Oh, great guy.\nI actually set them up.", "You remember Dr. Muchnik.\nHe did your braces.", "Okay, my head's\nabout to explode,", "and I don't want to get it\nall over everyone's waffles,", "so I am leaving.", "Teddy bear, oh...", "You know,\nhe mentioned he was divorced last night.", "I totally spaced on that.", "Ooh, no line at\nthe omelet station.", "Lily...", "I'm sorry that I said\nall those things.", "Me, too.", "I just find it really confusing\nto be around you right now.", "It's the same for me.", "I think we're probably\nboth better off trying", "to keep some distance\nfor a while.", "Yeah, I think you're right.", "Are you wearing a push-up bra?", "Did you Mystic Tan your calves?", "I withdraw the question.", "We're sorry we didn't say\nanything about the divorce.", "It was wrong not to tell you.", "Thank you.", "But listen,\ndon't tell your sister.", "It would just upset her.", "No, this is ridiculous!", "We have to start talking about stuff,\nand not just baseball.", "Indians won today on\na walk-off double.", "Against the Red Sox?\nBoy, that's a big win.", "No. No. No.\nWe're not gonna blow past this.", "I mean,\nI don't even know who you people.", "I don't even know how you met.", "I never told you how\nI met your mother?", "No.\n- Oh, great story.", "At a bar.", "That's it?", "That's what passes for\ncommunication in our family?", "Man, when I have kids,\nand I tell them how I met their mother,", "I'm gonna tell them everything,\nthe whole damn story.", "I think it was an Irish bar.", "I just, I don't...\nI don't understand.", "You seemed so happy.", "When I was growing up,\nyou seemed so...", "What happened?", "We just realized we're\nvery different people.", "Your father's kind of a\nhead-in-the-clouds romantic,", "and I'm much more\ndown to earth.", "So?", "Robin and I are like that.\nThat doesn't mean anything.", "I wanted kids.\nAnd your mother...", "also wanted kids.", "Robin and I have different\nviews on families.", "We're not about to\nbreak up because of it.", "On some level, I always knew.", "I didn't even want to go out\nwith him in the beginning.", "But he spent months badgering\nme until I finally gave in.", "Well, when you don't connect on\nthat many fundamental levels,", "it's only a matter of time before you\nrealize you're not meant to be together.", "But we love Robin.", "Absolutely.", "Meeting you was the\nhighlight of my trip.", "Well, second highlight.", "We'll see you inside.\n- Sorry.", "Wow.", "I know.", "They love me!", "So we are definitely going\nto try and communicate more.", "From now on, full disclosure.", "Good. Good, I think it'll be\nreally good for the family.", "By the way, how's Grandma? She hasn't\nreturned my last couple calls.", "I'm gonna get some juice.", "No.", "No.", "You missed a great game last night.\nReal squeaker.", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team\nwww.forom.com", "Support us and become VIP member\nto remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E04 Ted Mosby Architect": ["Kids, sometimes your relationship\ngoes so smoothly for so long", "that you think it will be\nthat way forever.", "It never is.", "Well, we just had our first fight.", "We had our first fight.", "Oh, no, what'd you fight about?", "Oh, no, what'd you fight about?", "A few months ago,\nmy architecture firm was approached", "to design this new building...", "It's this big skyscraper\nin Spokane.", "It'd be a huge project\nfor his firm.", "And if we don't get it,\nwe could go under.", "So anyway, the head architect\nunveils his new design", "to the whole company.", "No.\n- No.", "Yes.", "All skyscrapers\nkind of look like a...", "Marshall,\nit's a 78-story pink marble tower", "with a rounded top", "and two spherical\nentryways at the front.", "Wow, so it's the whole package.", "Yeah, you did.\n- Had to.", "Oh, dude, if they're selling condos,\nyou got to get me in.", "And don't give me the shaft.", "Yeah, you did.\n- Had to.", "It's a travesty.", "It's gonna define\nthe skyline of the city.", "If it was me, I could've\ndesigned something amazing.", "Instead, I'm spending 12 hours\na day designing the cornices.", "Yeah, you did.\n- That wasn't one.", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "So you and Ted\nhad your first fight.", "It obviously ended well.\nI mean, you're here with me.", "Actually,\nit didn't end at all.", "I started getting bummed out,\nso I came here.", "It's what I do.", "When my grandma died,\nI got a perm.", "Ooh, two tragedies in one day.", "The thing is,\nTed has been literally", "complaining about work\nnonstop for weeks.", "So, when I came over today,\nI was kind of done.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "How was your day?\n- Good.", "Wow, you're a great interviewer.", "Aren't you gonna ask\nhow my day was?", "No, I know how it was.\nIt was awful.", "Ooh, you want to rent\na movie tonight?", "You know, um...", "I listen to your work\nstories all the time.", "Yeah, but...\nand I don't want to be rude here,", "but my work stories\nare interesting.", "I'm a television news reporter.", "Robin...\n- What?", "I knew exactly\nwhat he was going to say.", "I was just helping him\nget there faster.", "You should work\nat a suicide hotline.", "And then it got ugly.", "What I don't do is tell you\nthe same story over and over again.", "I mean, you wouldn't\nwatch the same movie", "over and over again, would you?", "Maybe a great movie\nlike Die Hard.", "But Field of Dreams?", "Once is more than enough.", "So that's your go-to bad movie?", "The number one example\non the tip of your tongue", "of a bad movie is\nField of Dreams?", "It's about\nghost baseball players.", "I think it's stupid.", "So, now he's all mad at me\nabout the stupid movie.", "Robin, he's upset because\nyou wouldn't listen to him,", "not because you didn't like\nsome movie.", "How do you not like\nField of Dreams?!", "Listening is the foundation\nof a relationship.", "And if he's really droning on,", "you can always practice\nsaying the alphabet backwards.", "You know, in case\nyou get pulled over for a DUI.", "I guess I don't know\nhow to do that.", "Yeah, it's really hard,\neven when you're sober.", "That's what I tried\nto explain to the cop.", "No, I mean, I guess I don't know\nhow to do this girlfriend thing.", "I've  never been in a relationship\nthis serious before.", "I should probably go tell him\nI'm sorry, shouldn't I?", "You're trying to do it right now,\naren't you?", "What the hell comes before \"Q\"?", "Then at the end of the movie when\nhe has a catch with his dad, like...", "like he never did when he was\nyoung enough for it to matter.", "Can we talk about something else?", "You know what, dude?", "Forget about Robin, okay?\nYou're hanging with us tonight.", "I've got an awome party lined up.", "Oh, God.", "This gonna be another one\nof your weird all-guy parties?", "That was a poker game.\nWhat is wrong with you?", "No, it's the first law school\nparty of the year", "and it's gonna be awesome.", "I haven't seen this guys since,\nlike, last year", "before Lily and I broke up.", "So I'm gonna have\nto break the news to everybody.", "It's really gonna bum them out.", "This party's gonna suck.", "Well, love to join you at that one.", "But I got tickets to Foxy Boxing.", "I wish I could join you guys,\nbut I got to get back", "to my apparently boring job.", "Your job's not boring.\n- Robin thinks so.", "Dude, lots of chicks\nthink architects are hot.", "Think about it,\nyou create something out of nothing.", "You're like God.", "There's nobody hotter than God.", "I love it when you quote Scripture.", "I'm telling you, you should use\nthe architect angle with the ladies.", "Okay, first of all,\nI have a girlfriend.", "Second, the architect angle\ndoesn't even work on her.", "And, third, I can't imagine\nthat working on anyone ever.", "That's 'cause you're always like...", "Ted Mosby, architect.", "If it were me, I'd be like...", "Ted Mosby, architect.", "Anything sounds impressive when\nit's said with the right attitude.", "Marshall Ericksen.", "Recently dumped\nand heading to a lame party.", "Whoa. Whoa, ladies,\nplease take it easy.", "There's enough of me for everyone.", "Oh. Hi. Hello.", "All right. We're gonna take off..", "Wait up, I'll leave with you guys.", "Ted Mosby, architect.", "Trust me.", "Hey, just out of curiosity.", "If a guy told you\nhe was an architect,", "what  would you think of that?", "Are you kidding?", "Architects are hot.", "How do you think Mr. Brady\nscored a babe like Carol?", "Solid point.", "She did have hair of gold.", "Yes, she did.\n- Mm-hmm.", "Hey, Carl, is Ted still here?", "No.", "Hey, Lily.", "You still single?\n- Yes.", "You know... I've poured a lot of\nfree drinks for you over the years.", "A lot.", "Carl, do you really want\nto be with a woman", "who would trade sex for beer?", "Only if you're into it.", "It's on me.", "Thanks.", "I wonder where Ted went.", "Ted Mosby, the architect?", "Actually, yeah.", "Oh, he is such a cool guy.", "He was here earlier.", "And what made you decide\nyou wanted to become an architect?", "Well, you know, soul of an artist,", "hands of a master craftsman.", "It was inevitable, I guess.", "I bet you can draw, can't you?", "You should draw me.", "Well, I could try, but you might end up\nlooking like a midcentury tri-level.", "Hey. If you want, my friend Marshall\ninvited me to this party we could all go to.", "Marshall's great.\nHe's just a lawyer,", "but somebody has to push the paper\naround for us creative types.", "Am I right?\n- Yeah.", "He asked her to a party.\nOh, my God, are you okay?", "Okay? It's awesome.\nIt's a win-win.", "Ted got to vent\nand I don't have to hear it.", "Maybe after he's done with\nthe talkie-talk, he'll come over", "and I'll get the fun part.", "What is wrong with you?", "God, I feel like I'm teaching\nlove as a second language here.", "Okay, you know how when\nhe tells you boring work stories", "you're supposed to listen?", "Well, when he picks up\nsome random girl at a bar,", "you're supposed to freak out.", "I'm not freaking out\nbecause in my mind, she's fat.", "She's a kickboxing instructor.", "Her ass looks better than my face.", "All right, we'll swing by the party.", "Now the party was for\nsome of Marshall's classmates", "from Columbia Law School,", "who by day were some of the sharpest", "and  most serious\nyoung legal minds in the country.", "By night, however...", "Damn, these are some\ndrunk almost-lawyers.", "Okay! Seriously...", "who wants to shave my ass?!", "That guy went on to become\na Supreme Court justice.", "Okay, where are\nthe guys and the hooker?", "Yo, what's up, ladies?\nWelcome to the party. Yeah!", "Just need you to sign\nthis release protecting the host", "from any and all responsibility\nshould you harm yourself", "or a third party.", "Then freakin' rage! Yeah!", "Hey, drunk legal dude, um...\nhave you seen Marshall Ericksen?", "He was with a guy named Ted.", "You mean Ted Mosby, the architect?", "Man, what a visionary.", "Yeah, they were here.", "Awards are nice,\nthey look good on my shelf.", "But none of that acclaim means\nanything compared to the joy", "of seeing the sun rise over\nyour first building.", "Wow.", "I would love to watch\nthe sun rise with you.", "I know you would.", "It's the job.", "Dude. You should let us\nshave your ass tonight.", "No way.", "Hey, Marshall, where's Lily?", "I didn't want to ruin the party\nfor everybody this early, but, uh...", "everyone take a seat.", "Um... Lily actually called off\nthe wedding this summer", "to go to San Francisco.", "So...", "we're broken up.", "Her name wasn't on\nyour lease, was it?", "'Cause if not, New York state law,\nyou're not obligated", "to give her half the deposit\nwhen you move.", "Yeah,  that's not really the part\nI was worried about, guys.", "And don't forget the precedent set\nby Smith v. Rosenblatt, '74.", "Any personal effects she left\nin your house or dwelling", "become yours after 30 days.", "Guys, can we cease and desist\nwith the lawyer speak for a minute?", "Love died.", "The love that made you all believe\nin love, that's dead now.", "You should sue her.", "Uh, really? On what ground, Kara?", "On the grounds of... shut up.", "That's our attorney general.", "See? Marshall's still hung up\non our breakup.", "Why? Because I listened to him.", "It was a strong\nand nurturing relationship", "that I threw away like old gum.", "Not that I'm worried or anything,\nbut, um, back to the sun rising", "over Ted and, uh... oh,\nwhat tasteful way did you describe her?", "The girl with the smackable ass.", "Yes,  that's the young lady.", "So, I know the bouncer\nat this techno club, Posers.", "Do you feel like dancing?", "Yeah, okay.\nThere is no way Ted went dancing.", "Ted hates clubs.", "Hell, yeah. I love clubs.", "I mean, I was going to design\na cathedral tonight,", "kind of take a whack at the whole\nrelationship between God and man conundrum.", "But sure, let's go dancing.", "Wait, let me just check\nwith my friend.", "Okay.", "Hey, Marshall. You up for\nsome super loud, repetitive music", "that hasn't changed\nsince the mid-90s?", "Um... only always.", "Let's go.", "Dancing?\nHe went dancing with this girl?", "Okay, maybe this is a little bad.", "Dancing is bad.\nDancing leads to sex.", "Did you grow up\nin that Footloose town?", "I'm calling him.\nI'm telling him that I was wrong", "and I'm sorry, and I totally want to\nlisten to his stupid stories.", "Yeah, think of another way\nto phrase that and you'll be fine.", "He's not answering.", "Calling Marshall.", "Hello.", "Marshall, hi, it's Robin.\nCan I talk to Ted?", "Oh, Robin, hi.", "Um, no, Ted's not here tonight.\nHe's, uh... he's working.", "Uh, okay. Bye.", "Marshall just lied.", "Ted's cheating on me.", "Excuse me. I'm looking for\na couple guys who came in here earlier.", "One's about six-four, 210,\nsandy brown hair.", "And the other's a cheating bastard.", "You're going to need\nto refresh my memory.", "Okay, fella, baby knows\nhow this game's played.", "How's a $20 help your memory?", "Thanks, but seriously,\nit was crazy tonight.", "You really do need\nto refresh my memory.", "Then can I have the...?", "That's cool. You keep that.", "So these guys--\none of them's an architect.", "Ted Mosby, the architect?", "That's the one.", "Oh, yeah, he was here.", "And then I was all, \"No, Frank Gehry.\nYou're on your own this time.\"", "And that, my dear,\nwas the end of that hack's career.", "I live across the street.", "That is one hell of a non sequitur.", "You want to come over?", "Well, I don't know.", "But I suppose I should at least\ngive you a ride home.", "Hop on.", "I'll see you at book club, Vinny.", "Yeah. I'll be bringing the crudit\u00e9s.\n- Nice.", "Dude, dude, what are you doing?", "Galloping.", "You proved it, all right? The whole\nTed Mosby, architect things works.", "Architects rule! Whoo-hee!", "Aren't you a little worried\nthat a certain somebody", "might find out that\nyou're doing this?", "This isn't you, Ted.", "It is tonight.", "Whoo!", "You know this girl.\nWhere does she live?", "I'm not telling you that\nfor less than 20 bucks.", "Well, I'm out of money.\n- I'm cashed, too.", "I'll take your purse.", "My purse?", "Yeah, my girl likes clutches.", "Okay, fine.", "You should tell her that looks\nreally good with a chocolate boot.", "Bitch is lucky I brought\nmy small purse.", "No room for my gun. Here.", "Now where does the rodeo slut live?", "The building with the green light,\napartment 3-C.", "Oh, my God, Robin,", "are you going to kick\nthis girl's ass?", "Yeah...", "and steal her purse.", "I can't believe\nhe's cheating on me.", "You know how many times\nI could have cheated?", "Six... no seven.", "And you know two of them,\nand they would surprise you.", "3-C, let's do this. You ready?", "Should I just kick the door in?", "Those are really nice heels\nand you already lost the purse.", "Let's see if it's unlocked.", "It's unlocked.", "Okay, get in there\nand kick some spankable ass.", "Robin.", "I'm the problem.\n- What?", "You were right.", "I don't know how to be a girlfriend.", "I took the nicest guy in the world", "and I made him a cheater.", "Well, don't stand out here\nand beat yourself up.", "Get in there and beat Ted up.", "I'll handle the slutty kickboxer.", "Actually, I'll take Ted.", "Let's do this.\n- Bring it.", "What do you think you're...?", "Barney?", "Thank God you're here.\nCan you help with this? I need nails.", "Okay, I'm totally lost here.\nWhere's Ted?", "Ted? He's at work.", "How did you get here?", "Awesome story. As per usual.", "How do you think Mr. Brady\nscored a babe like Carol?", "Solid point.", "And she did have hair of gold.\n- Yes, she did.", "Sorry, I forgot my binocs\nfor Foxy Boxing.", "Whoo, looks like things just got\na little foxier right here.", "Yes, they did.\nAnd you're just in time.", "Girls, I got to go, but I'm leaving you\nin very good, if slightly sullied hands.", "Don't go. We don't even know your name\nto look out for your buildings.", "Yeah, stay.", "Excuse us for one second.", "Okay, you were right--\nthe architect thing totally works.", "But I've got a girlfriend\nand I've got to get back to work.", "This project is getting\nharder and harder.", "Yeah, you did.\n- Yeah, had to.", "See ya.", "Sorry, my, uh...\nintern had to leave.", "Oh, well, that's too bad.", "I'm Anna, by the way.", "Ted Mosby... architect.", "But none of that acclaim means\nanything compared to the joy", "of  seeing the sun rise\nover your first building.", "Dude, dude, what are you doing?\n- Galloping.", "All right, you proved it. The whole\nTed Mosby, architect thing works.", "Architects rule! Whoo-hoo.", "Aren't you afraid a certain somebody\nmight find out about this?", "I mean, this isn't you, Ted.", "It is tonight.", "And that led to a couple of hours", "that I cannot, as a gentleman,\ndivulge to you.", "We did it right here,\nand here and here.", "But why would you use\nTed's name?", "I've had some recent bad press\non the World Wide Web.", "So I'm taking a T.O. on the whole\n\"using my real name\" thing.", "Oh, this is great.\nIt wasn't Ted. Everything's okay.", "Everything isn't okay.", "Look at me. I'm acting crazy\nand jealous and paranoid.", "This is how people act\nin relationships.", "And that's why\nI avoid relationships.", "Well, guess what,", "I haven't been crazy or jealous\nor paranoid in months,", "and I really miss it.", "And thus ended this chapter of,\n\"Let's pour our hearts out", "in the bedroom of Barney's\none-night stand.\"", "Come on, let's go before\nshe gets out of the shower.", "You're such a pig.\nYou're not even going to say good-bye?", "I'll have you know\nI composed a lovely form letter", "for use in just such an occasion.", "Just fill out her name and then...", "Something with a \"A.\"", "A... A...", "I'll just put \"resident.\"", "Go, go, go, go.", "Robin took a long walk that night.", "She thought about how opening\nyourself up to another person", "usually means opening yourself up\nto going a little crazy.", "She thought about how much easier\nit was just to be alone.", "And then she came to see me.", "# And I am nothing of a builder #", "# But here I dreamt I was an architect... #\nHey.", "Hey.", "What are you doing here?\n- I brought donuts.", "And I don't want to brag,\nbut they're filled with jelly.", "Thanks.", "So, uh... how was your night?", "It was... fine. Nothing exciting.", "How was yours?", "You really want to hear about\nboring architect stuff?", "Yes, I do.", "I'm sorry about earlier.", "To tell you the truth, I never\neven saw all of Field of Dreams.", "I fell asleep half way through.", "What? The best part's\nthe last 20 minutes.", "Well, maybe they should have moved that\npart up a little bit earlier, 'cause...", "You know what, um...", "What I'm trying to say is...", "I love being the person\nyou bitch to.", "So how was your day,\nMr. Architect?", "Oh, I like the way\nyou say that.", "Hey, you want to see\nthe building", "that will make every man\nin Spokane feel inadequate?", "Obviously.", "Wow.\n- Yeah.", "You know, you didn't mention\nall the foliage around the base.", "If you trim that back,\nthe rest would look bigger.", "You don't have to tell me.", "And, um... just for fun, I've...", "I've sort of been working on my own idea\nof what I think the building should be.", "What do you think?", "You know that time we went to Spokane\nand I pointed out that skyscraper?", "That was the first building\nI ever designed.", "And that night was the first time\nI showed anyone my first drawing of it.", "Wow.", "Ted, this is amazing.", "Thanks.", "It's not like it will ever\ncome to anything.", "I don't know.", "It might come to something.", "You know, girls find\narchitects very hot.", "Okay,", "but I don't want you expecting\n78 stories or anything.", "\"Dear Resident...", "The time we spent together,\nhowever long it was,", "meant the world to me.", "I would love to see you again,\nbut unfortunately, I cannot.", "You see, I am a ghost.", "I can't only materialize\nonce every decade", "on the anniversary of my death.", "I chose to spend my one day among\nthe living with you,", "sweet... Resident.", "Perhaps we will meet again\nin another decade,", "provided you keep your figure.", "Until then, all my love\nfrom the beyond.", "Barney.\"", "Barney?", "Who the hell is Barney?", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team\nwww.forom.com", "Craving big poker? Feast your eyes on Venom.\n$5 million GTD. AmericasCardroom.com"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E05 World's Greatest Couple": ["Your Uncle Barney was always\nalways a bit of an enigma.", "In all the years we\nlived in New York,", "none of us had ever set\nfoot in his apartment.", "Until one day, one of us did.", "It's a pretty good story.", "And believe it or not,\nalcohol did not play a role.", "It all started two weeks\nearlier at Lily's housewarming.", "Hey, welcome to my new home.", "Oh, wow, Lily, this is...", "Oh, this is all of it.", "Yeah, I know it's small,\nbut it's got character.", "Thank you.", "And I am learning Lithuanian\nfrom my neighbors.", "They're great.", "They're always out there in the hall,\nyou know,", "cooking and gambling and\ngiving each other haircuts.", "It's nice.", "Hey, is that a toilet\nin your kitchen?", "Or a stove in your bathroom?", "Oh, that's not just a stove.", "That's a stovenkerator:", "a combination of a stove,\noven and sink and refrigerator.", "Stovenkerator.", "Isn't that futuristic?", "God, I hope not.", "Hey, cool Murphy bed.", "Yeah, it's kind of a mess.\nI didn't make my bed this morning, so...", "Oh!", "You know what, I bet sleeping\nat this angle is good for you.", "For some reason.", "I got it.", "That was, something, something,\nI am going to, something,", "you like a, something, donkey.", "Huh.", "Other cultures.", "Hey, let's break out\nthe fruit basket.", "Hey, who ate all the...?", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "Okay, we have to get Lily out of that\napartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.", "I'd offer her my place,\nbut I've got dogs and she's allergic.", "Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think\nshe's a little more allergic to that.", "What about your place, Barney?\nI know it's shrouded in mystery,", "but it's gotta have a couch.", "The Fortress of Barnitude?\nNo way.", "Come on. She's desperate.", "Hmm, normally a prerequisite\nfor the women I bring home,", "but... pass.", "One of you guys is very,\nvery lucky because I have...", "a boom, an extra ticket to the\nAlanis Morissette concert. Who's in?", "Absolutely not.\n- No.", "Damn! I got these tickets,\nlike, months ago for me and Lily", "and now I can't find\nanyone to go with me.", "This is what I miss\nabout being in a couple.", "I always had someone to\ngo to concerts with,", "or farmer's market,", "or brunch.", "God, I miss brunch!", "Well, I guess you could-- well,\nyou could try going to brunch alone.", "Oh, you don't think I've tried?", "Table for one.", "One couple?", "Um, no, just me.", "Really?", "For brunch?", "You're right. Who am I kidding?", "Ooh, The Popover Pantry. That place is\ngreat. Can we go get brunch tomorrow?", "Of course, sweetie.", "Can I go with you guys?", "Really? For brunch?", "God, I hate being single!", "Okay, I'll take the over\non the Pittsburgh game.", "Oh, and P.\nto the S., I never got my payout", "from Seattle from\ntwo weeks ago.", "Yeah. Don't make me call the\ngaming commission on you.", "I'm sure they'd be very interested\nto know what's going on over there.", "All right? All right?", "Okay, I love you, too, Mom.\nTake care.", "Hello, Lily.", "You've somehow managed to\ncircumvent my security.", "How did you do it?", "Ted gave me your spare key.", "Spare key, brilliant!", "I'm sorry,\nbut you know I'd only come here", "if I had no other choice.", "But earlier today, I was getting\nready to go to sleep and...", "Sveikas.", "That's terrible.", "Well, see ya.", "Well, can I stay here maybe?", "Oh... I'd let you,\nbut I don't have any room.", "You live in a\ntwo-bedroom apartment.", "You have one room\njust for your suits.", "Hey, I'm at a point in my life\nwhere my suits are my family.", "Look around you, Lily.", "You  are in the heart\nof bachelor country,", "and as a woman,\nyou are an illegal immigrant here.", "Now, you can try to apply for a sex\nvisa, but that only lasts 12 hours.", "14 if you qualify\nfor multiple entry.", "Eww... is something some lame,\njudgmental chick would say,", "but I say give me\nmultiple high fives.", "Wow, you really are desperate.", "I really am.", "Okay, you can stay\nhere for two days.", "But I only have one rule.\nYou can't change anything.", "Why would I change anything?\nThis place is...", "...perfect.", "Except for the fact that\nyou don't have a TV.", "See that wall?", "300-inch flat-screen.", "They only sell them in Japan,\nbut I know a guy.", "Had to ship it over in a\ntugboat like freakin' King Kong.", "It hurts my eyes.", "Yeah. That doesn't go away.", "Hey.\n- Hey, where have you been?", "The Alanis Morissette concert.", "By yourself?", "No,  actually I went with\na friend from law school.", "Oh, really? Who's this friend?", "Brad.", "Bro, Alanis Morissette rocks!\n- Totally!", "I can't believe I almost\ndidn't come tonight.", "Let me guess:\nYou bought the tickets for you and Lily", "right before she dumped you.", "Yeah, how'd you know?", "I just got dumped myself.", "What, Kara broke up with you?", "I'm sorry, man. That sucks.", "Brad, do you like brunch?", "You invited him to brunch?", "Yeah, I invited him to brunch.\nWhy, is that weird?", "Yes. That's why I was all,\n\"You invited him to brunch?\"", "Why can't two guys who\nare friends go to brunch?", "Because brunch is kind of...", "Girly.", "Girly? Breakfast isn't girly.", "Lunch isn't girly.\nWhat makes brunch girly?", "I don't know.", "There's nothing\ngirly about a horse.", "Nothing girly about a horn,", "but put them together\nand you get a unicorn.", "I don't care what\neither of you say,", "I am going to The\nPopover Pantry with Brad.", "We're here. We're hungry.", "Get used to it, brunch.", "Hmm... smells delicious.\n- Thank you.", "There was no food in the fridge,\nso I picked up...", "What are you doing?", "Lily, what was the\nfirst rule again?", "Don't change anything.", "And what was the second rule?", "There was no second rule.\n- Exactly!", "There was only one\nrule and you broke it.", "I bought groceries.\nThat counts as changing something?", "Lily, if I wanted a\nfridge full of groceries,", "or fresh coffee in the morning,", "I'd be in a relationship.", "But I don't want to\nbe in a relationship.", "That's why I make it crystal-clear to\nevery girl that walks through that door", "that this is not a place\nto leave a toothbrush.", "This is not a place to\nleave a contact lens case.", "This is a place to leave.", "Come on, I'll give you a tour.", "Uh, no flash\nphotography, please.", "Bienvenido to the bedroom.", "Dig this: king-sized bed,", "full-sized blanket, one pillow.", "Everything about this bed says,\n\"our work here is done.\"", "Next we say \"bienvenue\"\nto the bathroom.", "What, only one towel?", "What, no hairdryer?", "You know where I keep that stuff?\nYour place. Beat it.", "And the coup de grace...", "Yeah, that's right.", "Patent-pending.", "And wilkommen to the hallway.", "While guys like Ted and\nMarshall may hide their porn...", "Marshall doesn't have porn.", "Aww, that's sweet.", "While guys like Ted and\nMarshall may hide their porn,", "I had mine...\nprofessionally lit.", "Girls see this, they can't\nget out of here fast enough.", "And if that doesn't\ndrive them away,", "there's always your\nlife-sized storm-trooper.", "No, that's just awesome.", "So you see,\nwhenever a girl wakes up here,", "I never have to tell her to go\nbuild her nest somewhere else.", "My apartment does it for me.", "God, I love brunch.", "Oh, damn...", "the zucchini bread\nis \"ridonculous.\"", "This isn't weird, right?", "I sort of thought it might be,", "but it totally isn't.", "And B-T-dub, you totally did\nnot oversell the eggs Benny.", "Right?  Right?", "I mean, why can't two single bros go out\nand rock brunch Sunday morning-style?", "Exactly. Thank you,\nthat's exactly what I've been saying.", "This must be destiny.", "What are you talking about?", "I have two tickets for\nMamma Mia Friday night.", "You like Abba, right?", "What am I saying? Who doesn't?", "Anyway, I was gonna take Kara,\nbut now it's all you and me.", "We're gonna do Broadway, bro style.\nWhat do you say?", "Yeah!", "Hey. Did the cold wake you?", "No,  I've just been\nwatching you sleep.", "Oh, did you try and take a shower?\nI'm sorry, I only have one clean towel.", "I don't buy into the myth that\nwe need to shower every day.", "O kay.", "I'd offer you some coffee, but I don't\nhave any, so you're gonna have to...", "I'm boycotting coffee.", "You may as well drink the tears\nof a Colombian peasant farmer.", "God, I love this place.", "Good thing I don't have a job", "because I could\nstay here all day.", "I think I left something\non the bookshelf.", "Whoops. Oh, no, oh, look.", "Oh, I'm disgusting.", "Wow, you're open\nabout your sexuality", "and that's one of the\nreasons I love you.", "Did I just say that?", "Oh, well, cat's out of the bag.", "I love you.", "Whoa, uh... Okay, beep, beep.\nBacking up, um...", "Hi, Barney. Oh...", "Oh, my God. Are you married?\nIs this your wife?", "What? No.", "Yes!", "Yes?\n- Yes.", "You son of a bitch!", "I can't believe I let\nyou enter my sacred temple.", "Come on, baby. Please, no.\nOh, you don't understand.", "What have I done? This is the worst.\nHow could you...?", "You're not going anywhere.", "Wow, that was close.", "That hippie chick\nwouldn't leave.", "She was ready to squat here.", "Well, she'd have to with your\nspring-loaded toilet seat, wouldn't she?", "She was freakishly immune to\neverything in my apartment...", "except you.", "You're better than porn.", "Thank you.", "How would you like to\nextend your stay here?", "All you'd have to do is\npretend to be my wife,", "and scare off the\noccasional one-night stand.", "I know, I know. You've got your ethics.\nYou've got your principles...", "I'll do it.", "Really?", "Barney, you've clearly got\nsome serious mother issues", "that have left you the emotional\nequivalent of a scavenging sewer rat.", "But, in my other apartment,\nI would be living", "with an actual scavenging sewer rat,\nso you win.", "I'll take it.", "Mamma Mia?\n- Mamma Mia.", "You know what? It's supposed\nto be a great musical, okay?", "It won all sorts of\nTonys and stuff.", "No, totally. It sounds like a really,\nreally fun, exciting, third date.", "Ooh, third date.\nYou know what that means.", "It is not a date, okay.", "It's just two bros taking\nin a Broadway show.", "You bros going to get\ndinner beforehand?", "We might grab a steak, yeah.", "Where at?", "Cafe L'Amour.", "Brad says the food is\nreally good there, okay.", "Sounds like Brad's got\nquite the night planned out.", "You better bring your \"A\" game.", "That means no granny panties.", "All right, you know what?\nYou two are just threatened", "because I'm a single guy moving\nin on your couples' turf.", "Well, guess what?\nIt's my territory now.", "I'm peeing all over brunches,\nfancy dinners and musicals.", "That's right;\nBrad and I are taking back Broadway.", "What are you going to wear?", "I was thinking like this\ncollared shirt and these pin...", "Oh, you know what? Shut up.", "Can you pass the\nArts and Leisure?", "Can you pass the\nArts and Leisure?", "I just did.", "Honey, I'm...", "Barney, what the hell\nis going on here?", "Lily, I can explain...", "How could you? In our own home?", "You bastard!", "I'm so sorry. I didn't know he had...\n- Just get out.", "This is what I get after I worked\nas a stripper for four years", "to put you through\nmedical school?", "I got breast implants for you.", "I... I was just about\nto turn on the tears.", "Brava.", "That was incredible.", "And that slap was genius.\nYou did not hold back.", "Yeah, that I just\nalways wanted to do.", "Fair enough.", "I have to say,", "it's kind of nice having food\naround here for a change.", "You know...", "nah, never mind.", "What?", "You're my wife.\nYou can tell me anything.", "Well, if you really\nwanted to sell this ruse,", "we should try to make this\nplace a little more...", "you know, homey.", "Like-like a woman would\nactually live here.", "What did you have in mind?", "# Bones, bones,\nbrittle little bones #", "# It's not the milk you seek #", "# It's the sun you need #", "# Sugar dumpling, muffin baby #", "# This world is going crazy #", "# Do do do do #", "# Do do do do #", "# Do do do do do #", "Hey, you're home.", "I didn't think we'd be seeing\nyou until tomorrow morning.", "Ha, ha, ha, ha.\nIt wasn't a date.", "Okay, it was a date\nand it got way weird.", "Oh, you really don't\nhave to do that.", "No, I insist. You're my guest.", "Thanks, Brad.", "Bro,", "you got some chocolate\non your chin.", "Still there.", "I'll get that bad boy.", "Whoa.", "Well, it could have been worse.", "It could have\nfallen in your lap.", "It gets worse.", "No, I-I can do it, Brad.\nOkay, thank you.", "So anyway, ah,\nit's this Saturday.", "Do you want to come?", "You want me to go to\na wedding with you?", "Okay, that's not too bad.", "Two single guys on the prowl.\nIt'll be like Wedding Crashers.", "Just keep Brad away\nfrom the bouquet.", "It gets worse.", "It gets better.", "The foliage in Vermont this\ntime of year is ridonc.", "Vermont?", "Yeah, the wedding's\nat this awesome B&B.", "Kara and I used to go there.", "Anyway, there is one room left,\nand we got it.", "Walt Whitman Suite, bro.", "You said no, right?", "Of course.", "I understand.", "It's cool.", "It's the first time I was\ngoing to see my college friends", "since Kara left me.", "I just...", "I just miss her so much.", "I'll go to Vermont with you.", "That's great!", "You know, uh,\nthey're registered at Pottery Barn.", "I figure we could go\nhalfsies on a gravy boat.", "I'm sorry.\nIt's not funny anymore.", "Damn you, brunch!", "This guy's crazy, right?", "Look, I don't think he's crazy.", "I just think he's suffering from a\nsevere case of girlfriend withdrawal.", "And unfortunately,\nyou're his nicotine patch.", "And now you have to do what every\ndysfunctional couple has to do:", "break up.", "You're right. You're right.\nI promised Brad", "I would go to the wedding with him,\nand then that is it.", "Good man.", "Oh, I think we made\nthe right decision", "going for the custom-made\nItalian sheets.", "Hey, if my bed's going suit up,\nit's going to do it right.", "Want to give it a whirl?", "All right, I'm going to head out,\nhit the bars.", "What are you going\nto do tonight?", "Oh, I was just going to watch Letterman\nbut, God this bed is so comfy.", "I wish you had a TV in here.", "Okay, seriously,\nwhat do you do for a living?", "Please.", "I thought you were going out.", "Eh.", "After the monologue.", "The next morning,\nas the sun rose over Manhattan,", "your Uncle Marshall headed\nover to Brad's apartment", "to leave for the\nwedding in Vermont.", "But when he got there...", "No.", "No...", "No.", "No!", "No.", "Ted.", "Um, Brad got me flowers.", "Hold  on.", "Brad got him flowers.", "I'm sorry.\nIt just got funny again.", "Oh, hey...\n- No, Brad, uh, I don't want to hear it.", "I do like you. And calla lilies\nare my favorite flower.", "I don't know how you knew that.\nI guess you just get me,", "but this is not cool, man.\nI can't believe that you would...", "Hey, sweetie.\n- Hey.", "Hey, Marshall.\n- Hi, Kara.", "So you guys, are like,\nback together now?", "Yeah. Happened last night.", "Uh, I'm sorry, bro.", "I should have called you.\n- Yeah, you should have.", "Well, I didn't mean to hurt...\n- Don't, Brad.", "Just don't.", "# There was something #\n# in the air that night #", "# The stars went bright #", "Oh, what was with him?", "I don't know.", "I think he's in love with me.", "# Fernando #", "I can't believe we just...\nyou and I...", "what have we done?\n- Nothing.", "Nothing happened.\nWe-we just went to sleep.", "Just went to sleep? I don't sleep\nin the same bed as a woman", "and not make a move.", "How could... You.", "You spooned me against my will.", "Hey, it takes two to cuddle.", "We...", "We...", "We redecorated my place.", "We stayed in on a Friday\nnight to watch Letterman,", "and then slept together\nand didn't have sex?", "Oh, my God,\nwe're in a relationship.", "That's what you think\na relationship is?", "You were supposed\nto be the vaccine,", "but you gave me the disease.\nYou gotta go.", "Barney.", "I don't think you're mad at me.\nYou're mad at yourself.", "You let down your guard,\nand let someone into your life,", "and-and it actually felt okay.", "And that terrifies you.", "Uh-huh. You gotta go.", "Hey, you can't just kick me out!\nI put a lot of work into this place,", "and I've grown accustomed to\na certain standard of living.", "A certain standard of living?\nYou didn't pay a single...", "And so Mr. and Mrs. Stinson,\nafter two weeks of marriage,", "decided to call it quits.", "Fortunately, they\nreached a settlement.", "And that's the story of how Aunt\nLily furnished her apartment.", "Marshall ran into Brad\nagain some time later.", "Oh, my God, it's Brad.", "Laugh like I said\nsomething really funny.", "Right, right.", "Hey, Marshall.", "Oh, hey, hey, how's it going?", "It's good.", "Hey, I'm, uh...\n- Yeah, I know who you are.", "Well, I got to go.\nI got this thing.", "Yeah, me too,\nbut more important.", "So, I guess I'll\nsee you around.", "Sure. Sure.", "Even if you don't believe it,\ntell me he looks fat.", "Totally looks fat.", "Support us and become VIP member\nto remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E06 Aldrin Justice": ["Kids, when you reach your late\n20s you might be surprised", "to discover you still don't\nhave life quite figured out.", "Like with Aunt Lily.", "Even though she was back\nfrom San Francisco,", "she was still on a\nquest to find herself.", "It's just that all I've ever\ndone is teach kindergarten.", "I want to get out there\nand change the world.", "I want to find my passion.", "And she did find it.", "I'm going to be a life coach.", "In fact,\nshe found it again and again.", "I'm going to be a\nmarine biologist.", "...slam poet.\n...beekeeper!", "Not a beekeeper.", "Her newest lifelong dream?", "Singing in a punk rock band.", "What is she doing for\nmoney through all this?", "Oh, she's been waiting\ntables at Big Wave Luau.", "Wait, you mean that\nHawaiian place", "where they wear those\nembarrassing outfits?", "No.", "Here she comes. Here she comes.", "Welcome to Big Wave Luau.\nMay I tiki your drink order?", "Aw, crap.", "I'm sorry.", "Oh, hi, Lily.\nWe were just in the neighborhood,", "thought we'd get some lunch.\nWe didn't even know you'd be here.", "What do you want?", "Oh, I don't think that's\nhow you're supposed to greet", "a customer at Big Wave Luau.", "Aloha, island visitors.", "The big wave brought\nyou to our humble luau.", "For that, we thank you.\nOr in my native tongue, mahalo.", "I didn't catch your name.\nDid you guys catch her name?", "No.", "My name is Anuhea.", "It means cool and fragrant,", "much like any of our\n12 specialty drinks.", "Robin, nothing to add?", "No. Lily is my friend and I'm\nnot going to make fun of her", "for trying to\nfollow her dreams.", "Thank you.", "Although, you might want to\nbring out the big Hawaiian drum", "because I'm pretty sure\ntoday's my birthday.", "Birthday girl!", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "I have never needed beer\nmore than I do right now.", "I thought you said your semester\nwas gonna be a piece of cake.", "I remember because you were eating\na piece of cake at the time", "and you said, \"Dude,\nmy semester is gonna be this.\"", "Yeah, well,\nit was supposed to be,", "but my professor's like the\ntoughest grader I've ever seen.", "She had like a bad\ndivorce this summer", "and now she's taking\nit out on us.", "To tell you the truth,\nI think she just needs to get laid.", "Really?", "Laid, you say?", "You wouldn't be into her.\nShe's, like, in her late 40s.", "She hot?", "Yeah, I guess she's\nkind of hot, yeah.", "And she's looking\nfor some action.", "Sounds to me like she\ncould be a cougar.", "A what?\n- A cougar.", "An older woman,\nusually in her 40s or 50s,", "single and on the prowl\nfor a younger man.", "What's a woman in her 60s or 70s--\na turtle?", "Marshall, I've thought it over\nand I accept your challenge.", "I didn't challenge you to have sex...\n- Tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins.", "So, I quit my job.", "I just couldn't\ntake it anymore.", "Approximately 50 times a day,\nsome guy asks me for a lei...", "Classic.", "Ted, didn't you tell me they need\na new assistant in your office?", "Yeah.", "Somebody did just quit.", "So, where should we eat today?", "Oh awesome,\nyou brought lunch for everyone?", "Dude, that is cold-blooded.", "It was an honest mistake.", "Look,  when somebody opens up a\ncontainer with an entire chicken in it,", "it's okay to assume they\nmade lunch for everyone.", "Ted, that girl didn't quit.\nYou destroyed her.", "It was an whole chicken.", "And did I mention\nshe had 12 sides?", "Oh, now you're gonna bash her figure.\nReal classy, Ted.", "So, Lily, what do you say?\nDo you want the job?", "What would I be doing?", "Basically, you're sort of\na general office assistant.", "You'll sit there.\nMy station is right over here.", "And things are a little\nbit crazy right now", "'cause we're pitching a new\nbuilding to a big client.", "Oh, right, is that the...\n- Yeah.", "Here's the model.", "You weren't kidding.\nIt really does look like a giant penis.", "I know.", "For whatever reason, Mr.\nDruthers just doesn't see it.", "How can he not see it?", "I mean there's the...\n- I know.", "And the way it...\n- I know.", "And the two little...\n- I know.", "Wow, it is just...\n- Spectacular?", "Why, thank you.", "Lily, this is Mr. Druthers,\nthe head architect on the project.", "Lily's going to be our\nnew office assistant.", "Ah.\n- Nice to meet you.", "Isn't it?", "Ted, I looked at your design\nfor the penthouse balcony.", "Tell me,\ndo you want to be an architect?", "I, uh... I am an architect.", "Really?", "Well, my six-year-old\nnephew plays with Legos.", "Is he an architect?", "Well, not unless he somehow\npassed all his licensing exams.", "Ted, you've got promise.", "But you have to study\nwhat I do more carefully.", "Now I want you to design\nsome Styrofoam trees", "for the building model.", "Think you can handle that?\n- Absolutely.", "Good. So you're going\nto design the...", "Styrofoam trees.\n- Once again-- with feeling.", "Styrofoam trees.\n- Styrofoam trees!", "Styrofoam trees!\n- That's the spirit.", "Now, gather 'round.", "This isn't just about trees, Ted.\nThis is about life.", "And sometimes in life,\nyou have to get the trees just right", "or you're fired, hmm?", "Man, that guy is\na total, well...", "Okay, wait, wait, wait.\nThat's Professor Lewis's office there.", "Okay, let's take a look.", "Oh, yeah,\nit's a cougar all right.", "A prime specimen.", "See,  you can identify a cougar\nby a few key characteristics.", "Start with the hair.", "The cougar keeps up\nwith current hairstyles", "as a form of camouflage.", "The prey may not realize\nthat he's engaged a cougar", "until he's already\nbeing dragged, helpless,", "back to her lair.", "Now, the blouse.", "The cougar displays\nmaximum cleavage possible", "to captivate her prey.", "If you're watching them bounce,", "she's about to pounce.", "See the claws?", "Long and sharp,", "to ward off rival females...", "or open alimony checks.", "Yeah, this one's a beaut.", "Okay, let the hunt begin.", "Wait, wait, wait.\nI'm not so sure I'm comfortable", "with you hunting my\nconstitutional law professor.", "Who do you rather have\ngrading your papers--", "a savage,\nman-eating jungle cat,", "or a purring, satisfied kitty?", "Go, Barney.", "Go mount and stuff that cougar.", "Scusi, I am Luigi,\nItalian exchange student.", "I was, uh, walking to class,", "but then I noticed you...", "bella principessa...", "Tell me what you\nwant or get out.", "Direct.", "I like that.", "The name's Barney.", "What I want... is you.", "Turn around.", "My place. Two hours.", "Don't  be tardy.", "I can't believe how Mr.\nDruthers treats people.", "And that building?\nTalk about overcompensating.", "He's not usually this bad.", "It's just that the partners\nhave made it very clear", "this project is make\nor break for us,", "so lately he's been\na little testy.", "You know what I\nmean-- crotchety.", "I'm just saying it's\nbeen hard on him.", "All right stop.", "Did you show Lily your design?\n- No.", "What design?\n- It's nothing.", "It's fantastic.", "Just for fun,\nTed's been working on his own design.", "And it doesn't look at\nall like male genitalia.", "At least,\nnot healthy male genitalia.", "Ted, you should pitch your\nbuilding to Druthers.", "Are you kidding?\nHe's Hammond Druthers.", "He's a legend.\nI'm just part of his team.", "This building is\nhuge for the firm,", "so it's really important\nwe don't blow it.", "All right, enough.", "Oh, my God. Incredible.", "Hmm... C-minus.", "C-minus? What are\nyou talking about?", "I just pulled an all-nighter!", "You didn't budget\nyour time well,", "you glossed over some of\nthe most important points,", "and your oral presentation\nwas sloppy and inconclusive.", "Mr. Druthers asked if\nyou were making the trees", "or waiting for them to\nsprout on their own.", "Then he stared at\nme until I laughed.", "Okay, I'm done.", "Great. I'll put the paints away.\nYou just go show him.", "Great. Thanks.", "Well, finally.", "I wondered whether you\nwere making the trees", "or waiting for them to\nsprout on their own.", "Good one, sir.", "Anyway, here they are.", " Too green.\n- Too green?", "Yes, the leaves should really be\nmore of a natural brown color.", "Almost brunette.", "And think bushier.\nI want this tower to rise", "from a thicket of wild,\nungroomed, brunette shrubbery.", "Can you picture it, Ted?", "I can't un-picture it.", "Good.", "Oh, my God.", "It's gone!", "What? What's gone?", "My baseball signed three\ntimes by Pete Rose.", "Well, it's got to be\naround here somewhere.", "What do you think, Ted,", "it just let itself out of its\nplastic case and rolled away?", "Somebody stole it.", "Well, um, I better get back\nto these Styrofoam trees.", "Oh, who cares about the trees?", "It's just busy work to make you\nfeel like you're contributing.", "Inspiring as always, sir.", "Lily?", "Where's she put those paints?", "Hey.", "Hey. Um, Lily,\nquestion for you.", "Why did I find\nMr. Druthers' baseball", "signed three times by Pete\nRose in your desk drawer?", "That's  easy. I took it.", "Why?", "It's simple.", "I can't believe there's no\nhorseradish for the roast beef.", "I guess you were sick the day they\ntaught that at Sandwich University.", "Mother, no one from the nursing\nhome is stealing from you.", "I didn't get you a\nbirthday present.", "What? You gonna cry?", "Little crybaby's going to cry?", "Hey, everybody, look!", "The little crybaby's gonna cry!", "I lost my ice cream!", "Okay, I may have\nexaggerated that last one,", "but the point is, he was mean.", "And that's why I\ntook away his ball.", "What does his ball have\nto do with anything?", "Druthers has to be taught\nhe can't behave like that.", "When I was teaching kindergarten,\nwhenever a kid was mean,", "I would take away\none of his toys.", "The kid would be\nupset at first,", "but then he'd learn\nto stop being mean.", "Hey, guys. What's going on?", "Lily stole my boss' baseball\nsigned three times by Pete Rose.", "Why? Was he being mean?", "You know about this?\n- Yeah.", "It's her own personal\nform of justice.", "Did you tell him about\nthat time at the Gap?", "Oh, that was a good one.", "This sales guy\nwas rude to Robin,", "so I took a pair of khakis.", "I gave them to you\nfor your birthday.", "So I've been walking\naround in stolen khakis?", "I prefer to call them\n\"justice khakis.\"", "That's not justice.\nIt's shoplifting, and it's a crime.", "So is being mean.", "Lily, your little system\ndoesn't even make sense.", "In kindergarten,\nthe kid knew why he was being punished.", "Druthers just thinks\nsomeone stole his ball.", "Well, that's why I left a note.", "A note?\n- Yeah.", "When he finds it, he'll understand\nwhy his ball was taken away,", "he'll stop being mean,", "and the office will be\na nicer place to work.", "Maybe he'll even be open\nto hearing your ideas.", "Look, Lil, we're all tolerating", "this prolonged nervous\nbreakdown you're clearly having,", "with the punk band and the\nbeekeeping and the petty larceny,", "but this is my career\nyou're messing with.", "I'm not sure I like your tone.", "You know what?", "Now you just lost the ball.", "Hey.", "I'd ask you how last night went,\nbut we had a pop quiz today.", "Nobody got higher\nthan a C-minus.", "I know, I know.", "You claim to have so much sex.", "I only assumed\nyou'd be good at it.", "Look, I miscalculated.", "I thought she'd be old and fragile,\nlike most cougars.", "But kitty's got claws.", "Don't worry though.", "Tonight, I'm seeing her again.", "Just let it go, man.\nYou're making things worse.", "I promise you, after tonight,\nthat cougar will be my pet,", "and I its master.", "I think I'm falling\nin love with you.", "Oh, God.\nThat wasn't your first time, was it?", "Although that would\nexplain a lot.", "What? No. We had sex yesterday.", "Oh, right. That.", "Well, you had sex yesterday.", "I revised my syllabus\nfor the spring semester.", "When Druthers goes\nto get his bagel,", "I'll go in, grab the note,\nput the ball back.", "If something goes wrong,", "yell out, \"Who wants espresso?\"", "so I'll know he's coming.\nGot it?", "Okay, now give me the ball.", "No.\n- What do you mean, no?", "I mean I stand by\nwhat I did, Ted.", "Come on, Lily.\nWe're running out of time.", "Everybody get in here now!", "Who wants espresso?", "Now, as most of you know,", "my Pete Rose, Pete Rose,\nPete Rose baseball has been stolen.", "Well, I just found this note.", "\"Dear Mr.\nDruthers, I, your baseball, am leaving.", "Maybe, if you start being nice,\nI'll come back.", "If not, other things in your\noffice may follow my lead.", "In fact,\nI overheard your iPod talking,", "and he may shuffle\noff at any minute.\"", "Normally, I would scream at\neveryone until my voice goes,", "but maybe that's the\nwrong reaction here.", "Interesting.", "Instead, I'm giving my baseball\nuntil the end of the day", "to decide he's homesick,", "or, tomorrow morning,\nI'll begin firing three people an hour.", "And, if the thief\ndoesn't believe me, well,", "then you are gambling\nmore than Pete Rose--", "major league baseball's\nall-time hit leader,", "a man whose absence from the\nHall of Fame is a travesty", "to the entire sports world--\never \"allegedly\" did!", "Wow. Looks like bye-bye, iPod.", "Give him his ball\nback right now.", "People are going to get fired.", "No, they're not.\nIt's just a tantrum, Ted.", "I saw this in kindergarten\nall the time.", "This isn't kindergarten.", "Mr. Druthers is an adult,\nand he wants his ball back.", "All right, I'll give it back\nif you show him your plans.", "No. You'll give it\nback or you're fired.", "I'm sorry, Ted.\nI just can't do that.", "Then you're fired.", "Fine.", "Here's the ball.", "At least you have one now.", "Dude, you're killing me.", "You didn't tame the cougar.\nYou just made her angrier.", "Do you not see the\nPowerBar in my hand?", "I'm fueling up.", "So you're going\nback over there?", "Oh, yeah.", "And tonight,\njust like John Mellencamp,", "I am going to get rid of the\n\"Cougar\" once and for all.", "Get it?", "'Cause that's what he\ndid with his name.", "I can't stop\nthinking about you.", "Please give me another chance.", "Barney, I teach all day.", "It's the last thing I want\nto do when I get home.", "But you don't understand.\nSee, I've been going easy on you,", "holding back, 'cause I was afraid\nyou'd break a hip or something.", "But, this time, no mercy.\nI don't care how long it takes--", "days, weeks, half a year.", "Fine. Come in.", "You can start while I\nfinish grading some papers.", "Hurry up.\nClients will be here any moment.", "Now, slide it closer\nto his chair.", "I want this thing to really\nsmack him in the face.", "Mr. Druthers, thank you again\nfor understanding about Lily.", "Oh. Well, I pity her.", "I mean, to steal from my office and\nthen write that slanderous note...", "You might say that Lily\nwas mentally deranged.", "You might say that, Ted.", "Lily was mentally deranged.", "You might even say it loud\nenough for everyone to hear.", "Lily was mentally deranged!", "Oh! That's a bit harsh,\ndon't you think, Ted?", "The clients are here.", "Excellent. Bring them in.", "Our client was a major bank and\nfinancial services company in Spokane.", "They wanted a modern\nskyscraper that still captured", "the distinct flavor and\nhistory of the Northwest.", "Ladies and gentlemen,\nI give you", "the Spokane National\nBank Building.", "That's a penis!", "That's... that's ridiculous.", "There's no way this majestic\ntower can be confused", "with the male organ of love.", "We're not building a penis.", "You  got any other ideas?", "Other ideas?", "You said you wanted\nHammond Druthers.", "This is Hammond Druthers.", "Well, hats off to\nyour ladyfriends,", "but I'm not building it.", "We're done here.", "The trajectory of my entire\ncareer might have been different", "had I not unwittingly worn\nmy justice khakis that day.", "Wait!", "We have one more idea for you.", "Ted, what are you doing?", "I have another design.", "Sit down, shut up right now.", "No.", "# Thank you for the invitation #", "# She showed me very nice... #", "To Ted! The youngest person\nto ever design a building", "over 70 stories probably!", "Probably!", "Congrats, Ted.", "Hey, thanks for telling me\nto stand up to Druthers", "and pitch my idea.", "Seriously, none of this would have\nhappened if it weren't for you.", "Oh. You know what, Ted?", "That was very nice.", "You have earned\nthese screws back.", "Don't sit in your desk chair\nuntil you've put them back in.", "Hey, I'm project manager now,", "so, if you want your\nold job back...", "No, thanks.", "I think I figured out what\nI want to be when I grow up.", "Casey, that's not\nhow we treat people.", "You'll get this back when\nyou learn to be nice.", "Barney! Oh, my God!\n- What happened?", "He broke his hip.", "That's not true.\nIt's just temporarily dislocated.", "Seriously, I'm fine.", "No, he's not fine.", "Professor Lewis, hi.", "Mr. Eriksen. Hello.\nI graded your paper tonight.", "I was pleasantly surprised.", "Yeah, she was.", "B-plus.", "B-plus?!", "Marshall, after I've gone through\nmy eight weeks of physical therapy,", "I am going to get you that \"A\"!", "Let her go.", "She belongs out\nthere in the wild.", "You should feel proud.", "You fought the\ncougar and lived.", "It was an amazing safari.", "I can't wait to show\nyou guys the slides.", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team\nwww.forom.com", "Support us and become VIP member\nto remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E07 Swarley": ["So, I guess that decides it.\n- Yup.", "Hanging out at a coffee place", "is not nearly as much fun\nas hanging out at a bar.", "Man, what's that?", "What?", "That cute coffee girl\nwrote a heart by your name.", "Somebody has a crush on you.", "Somebody thinks you're me.", "Do you really\nthink she likes me?", "I mean, I guess\nit's not that surprising.", "Every time I come in here,\nI totally crack her up.", "Marshall, here's\nyour pumpkin latte.", "Wow. How did you fit a\npumpkin in this little cup?", "I'll have a pumpkin latte.", "How do they even fit a\npumpkin in those little cups?", "What? You got a shrink\nray back there?", "Yeah.", "Hey, remember that\ntime I said that thing", "about how do they fit a\npumpkin into that little cup?", "Which time?\n- The first time.", "Yeah. That was really funny.", "Right.", "All right, there's only two\nreasons she'd laugh at that.", "One, it's the first\njoke she's ever heard,", "or two, she likes you.\nYou should totally ask her out.", "You think?", "Yeah, that why you're not\nback with Lily, right?", "So you can experience what\nit's like to be single.", "Well, what if the heart\ndoesn't mean anything?", "What if she writes\nit on all the cups?", "Mine says \"Ted,\" no heart.", "Mine says... \"Swarley.\"", "How'd they get\n\"Swarley\" from \"Barney\"?", "It's not even a name.", "Who would ever be\ncalled \"Swarley\"?", "Oh, please don't start\ncalling me \"Swarley.\"", "This would never\nhappen at a bar!", "Man! What's up with Swarley?", "I know. You almost never see\nold Swarlz get that upset.", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "Hey, guess what?", "Oh, sorry.", "It's only my mom.", "She's just rambling\non like always.", "What happened?", "Marshall asked out a girl.", "Wow.", "Well, if anything,\nthat's Dad's fault.", "That'll keep her going a while.", "Oh, of course, you know,\nhe had a little help.", "Swarley hooked him up?", "Oh, good. You got my text.", "Yeah.\n- Oh. No, it was me.", "I gave Marshall\none of my secrets.", "So, what she say?\n- Nothing.", "I don't think she heard me.\nIt's pretty busy up there.", "What? You gave her\nthe look right?", "Head down, eyes looking up,", "hands in pockets, shoulders up,", "head slightly tilted,\nconveying shy vulnerability.", "I think so.", "Look, can we just go?", "Pumpkin latte for Marshall.", "I didn't order that.", "Phone number.", "I love that look.", "I think I slept with you\nbecause of that look.", "And it's fake?", "Oh, and you biting your lower lip,\nshyly looking away", "and thrusting your\nchest out is natural?", "Yeah, I hear you.", "Hey!\n- Hey, guys.", "Are you free tomorrow night?", "I was thinking of having\na wine tasting slash", "\"help me catch the rat\nin my apartment\" party.", "That's a great idea.\nYou can put out cheese for both.", "I  should invite\nMarshall, right?", "It'd be weird if I didn't.", "Yeah, I don't think he can go.", "Really? Why not?", "Uh, okay, um...", "Lily, we have to\ntell you something.", "Marshall has a date.", "Oh. Well... good for him.", "Really? You're okay with it?", "Look, we've been broken\nup almost six months.", "I mean,\nI'm not thrilled about the idea,", "but he has every right\nto date someone else.", "That's very mature.", "Why are you holding the phone?", "Oh, shoot.", "That's hilarious, Mom.", "Didn't even notice.", "Hey, dude, by the way,\nI really like that suit.", "Tell me about the fabric.\nIs it foreign or something?", "Wow. It is foreign.\nI'm impressed, Ted.", "It's Moroccan, actually.\n- Whoa.", "I got a call for Swarley.", "Is there a Swarley here?", "You weren't interested in\nmy suit at all, were you?", "Hmm?\n- Swarley!", "Yeah, I know he's there.\nIt's really important.", "Could you ask again?", "Important call for Swarley!", "Geez, can't you hear him, Swarley?\nThere's a call for you.", "Stop calling me that.", "Uh... Hey, I'd like you guys\nto officially meet Chloe.", "Hi.\n- Hi.", "Hi.", "It's nice to meet you guys.", "I'll be right back.\n- It's right back there.", "Right? Right? She's hot!", "And she likes me?", "She likes Italian food.\nI also like Italian food.", "She likes Billy Joel.\nI also like... music.", "And I think we're\ngoing to go out again.", "Dude, you gotta ditch her.\n- Obviously.", "Why?", "She's got the crazy eyes.", "Dude. The eyes.", "They're crazy.", "What are you guys talking about,\nthe crazy eyes?", "It's a well-documented condition\nof the pupils, or pupi.", "No. Just pupils.", "It's an indicator of\nfuture mental instability.", "She does not have\nthe crazy eyes.", "You just can't see it\nbecause you're afflicted", "with \"haven't been laid\nin a while\" blindness.", "She was too far away\nin the coffee place,", "but when I saw her\nup close just now...", "Hey, I'd like you guys to\nofficially meet Chloe.", "Hi.\n- Hi.", "Hi.", "It's nice to meet you guys.", "You  guys,\nI'm not going to stop dating Chloe", "just because you think\nshe has the crazy eyes.", "You can keep going out with her,\nbut you're gonna regret it.", "One time,\nI met a girl at this very bar.", "I saw that she had\nthe crazy eyes...", "...but I ignored it.", "And then, sure enough.", "Barney, can I ask\nyou a question?", "Anything.", "Would you like to\nhave a threesome?", "Of course.", "Great. It'll be you,\nme and Mr. Weasels.", "So, did you do it?", "No. It ended up\nbeing just a twosome", "with the third one\nwatching from a chair.", "Which one were you?", "I'd rather not say.", "Look, there was a time I didn't\nbelieve in the crazy eyes either,", "and then I met Jeanine.", "She had serious crazy eyes.", "I told myself I was\njust imagining it, but then...", "So, should we go get a drink?", "As long as it's in\nyour apartment.", "Whoa, I'm sorry.", "Watch! Where! You're! Going!", "So, where do you live?", "You guys, Chloe is not\ngonna do any of that stuff.", "She's a nice girl\nfrom Nebraska.", "She's not crazy.", "She's... she's awesome.", "But you can't avoid\nthe crazy eyes forever.", "Sooner or later, the crazy\ncomes bubbling to the surface.", "Hello?", "Marshall, it's Chloe.", "Are you the one who's\ncalled me like nine times?", "Yeah. Could you come get me?", "I'm in the middle\nof taking a test.", "Please. I'm so scared.", "Well, what's going on?", "This weird midget guy\nstarted following me", "and he was screaming at me", "and he had a limp and\na big hump on his back", "and the police\ndidn't believe me", "and I almost got trampled\nby a horse and...", "God I must sound totally\ncrazy to you right now.", "No. Pfft.", "Not at all.", "So, she's needy crazy.", "That's one of the worst kinds.", "I've had one of those.", "Makes  up stories\nto get attention.", "Went out with her for three weeks--\nher dad died twice.", "Guys, she was really\nfreaked out, okay?", "Maybe the story is true.", "What in the world would make\nyou believe that's a true story?", "She's really hot.", "They always are.", "You all done with that, Ted?\n- Yeah.", "Ned. I told you\nto call him Ned.", "That's just sad.", "Sorry, Swarley.", "So, do just you\nand Ted live here", "or does Swarley live here, too?", "Nah. Swarley has his own place.", "What was that?", "Oh, I, uh, dropped my keys.", "So, here you go.", "Two pumpkin beers.", "I was joking.\nThey're regular beers.", "What is that?", "This picture is broken.", "Oh. That's too bad.", "Is that Lily?", "Is that the girl you\nwere going to marry?", "Yeah. Is that what\nthat sound was?", "Did you just smash this?", "No.", "Why would I do that?", "Let me look into your eyes.", "Okay.", "I had a really\nnice time tonight.", "Yeah, me, too. Stop blinking.", "I  like your eyes a lot, too.", "S top!", "Hi. I'm Lily.", "Stop!", "Now, kids,\nI know Lily hiding in the apartment", "while Marshall was on a date with\nanother girl seems pretty crazy,", "but when you hear her\nside of the story,", "well, it's still pretty crazy.", "What's up Swarlz?", "No. Okay? No. No more.", "I will not let this\nbecome a thing. It's over.", "No more Swarley. No Swarlz.", "No more Swar-lay.", "No more Swar...\nwait for it... ley.", "No more Bob Swarley, mon.", "No more. No! It's over.", "Do you understand?", "Yes.\n- Yes.", "Thank you.", "Nice.", "Why didn't you call me?\n- Was I supposed to call you?", "Yes, about the whole Marshall-\ndating-another-girl thing.", "You said you were fine with it.", "Yeah, in front of Ted,\nbut then I shot you a look.", "What look?\n- This.", "That doesn't seem like a look.", "Yes it is. It means,\n\"I'm upset call me later.\"", "You should have pulled me aside\nand told me what the look meant.", "If I pulled you aside,\nI wouldn't need the look.", "Well, maybe if it was a\nmore distinctive look...", "Okay, the look isn't important.", "What's important is that\nI can't stand the idea", "of Marshall dating\nanother woman.", "I mean, what if\nhe falls in love with her?", "Well, if it makes\nyou feel any better,", "Ted says she has\nthe crazy eyes.", "What's that?", "Apparently, a thing women\nhave that guys can see", "and it tells them that\nthe girl's crazy.", "Oh, kind of like how you\nnever want to date a guy", "with perfect fingernails?", "Jerk nails. Exactly.", "Well, did-did Ted say\nwhether she was good-looking?", "I mean,\n'cause if I knew she was ugly,", "then maybe I wouldn't\nbe so freaked out.", "Uh, he didn't say,\nbut you can find out.", "I think her name is Chloe--\nshe works at Cosa Coffee on 78th.", "Phone call for Swarles Barkley?", "Hey, Ted. No, he's not here.", "Good one, though--\nremember that one.", "Is, um, Chloe here?", "She just left.\nYou can probably still catch her.", "She's easy to spot--\nshe's got a pink umbrella.", "Oh, thanks, Brian.", "My name is Scott.", "Your tag says Brian.", "I know. Funny story.", "So, I wake up this\nmorning, and...", "Yeah, see you later, Brian.", "There she is.", "She doesn't look that great.", "She's not fat,\nbut that doesn't mean anything.", "I know tons of skinny,\nugly women.", "That's right,\nsnotty girl in my yoga class,", "I'm talking to you.", "Come on, Chloe, turn around.", "Here we go. Turn around, Chloe.", "Come on,\nshow me that hideous face.", "Damn it!", "Ooh, I know,\nI'll get ahead of her,", "then I'll cut back so I... Aah!", "Oh, my God, that hurts!", "Turn around! Come on!", "Just turn around!", "Okay, this is ridiculous.", "Hey!", "Turn around!\nWhat's the matter with you?", "Hey, you!", "Turn around!", "Turn around, Chloe!", "She's hot? I'm so sorry.", "No, it's fine.", "I-It just makes things easier.", "Now that I know she's a threat,", "all I have to do is keep Marshall\nfrom ever seeing her again.", "Okay, I have two plans--\nyou can help me choose.", "Plan A--", "remember that time Marshall\nand I had sex in the bathroom?", "Oops, I got knocked up.", "Lily.\n- Okay, plan B", "is called \"Chloe's Accident.\"", "Just stop.\n- What?", "Lily, you can't do\nany of those things.", "If you two are ever\ngonna get back together,", "you have to let him work\nout whatever this is.", "I know. You're right.", "Now, come on,\nTed asked us to be upstairs at 6:00.", "Some surprise for Barney.", "Barney?\n- Uh, Swarley.", "Hey, guys.\n- Hey.", "Where's Marshall?", "Oh, he's getting a haircut.", "Oh. For his date.", "Good for him.", "Hope he has a good\ntime tonight.", "Relax, you've got\nnothing to worry about.", "The girl's crazy.", "Thanks!", "He'll just have wild monkey\nsex with her five times, max,", "and be done with her.", "Thanks again.", "What are you doing?", "I just wanted to listen to\na little music, that's all.", "And this next one's\ngoing out to Swarley.", "All your friends know\nyou miss Barney,", "but he's gone,\nand you got to accept that, baby.", "And, Swarley, you're gonna be\na better woman for it.", "Here's \"I Am Woman\"\nby Helen Reddy.", "Ha-ha! Now I'm a woman.\nI love it!", "You know, I was thinking about this\nwhole new name thing last night,", "and you know what I realized?\nI like it.", "You like being called Swarley?", "Are you kidding?\nI want you to call me that.", "Do you really think\nthis is gonna work?", "Do I think what's gonna work?\nI'm just saying, I love my new name,", "so please only call\nme that from now on.", "Call you what?", "You know, that-that-that new name\nthat you've been calling me.", "Say it.", "Why? You guys know what it is.", "Say the name.", "No, I don't want to! I hate it!", "I hate it! It's not funny!", "It's never been funny!\nI've never done any...", "No!", "Man, he is really gonna lose it", "when all the magazine\nsubscriptions start coming in.", "I signed him up for\nPeople in Espanol,", "but I addressed it to Swarlos.", "Hey, where's the picture of\nMarshall and me at the pier?", "Didn't it used to\nbe by that window?", "Oh, yeah, he, uh,\nhe sort of took it down when you left.", "Put it behind some books,\nI think.", "Oh, well-well,\nmaybe I should put it back up.", "Why, so Chloe'll see\nit and get scared off?", "No.", "So Marshall'll see\nit and feel guilty.", "Yeah, okay.", "But she wasn't okay.", "Later that night,\nwhile Marshall was on his date,", "Lily came back.", "...anymore.", "Pretty impressive, huh?", "Wow, you really did memorize all the\nlyrics to \"We Didn't Start the Fire.\"", "Can I, uh,\ncan I get you a drink?", "I'd love a beer.", "You got it.", "Lily did what any\nsensible woman would do.", "She hid under the desk.", "And she stayed there,\nlistening to her ex-fiance", "on a date with another woman.", "I had a really\nnice time tonight.", "Yeah, me, too. Stop blinking.", "I like your eyes a lot, too.", "Finally, much like Billy Joel,", "she couldn't take it anymore.", "Stop!", "Hi.  I'm Lily.", "Lily... Lily,\nwhat the hell are you doing?", "I don't know. I...\nI don't know... what I'm doing.", "Oh, pumpkin beer--\nthat was a good one.", "I'm just... I'm gonna go.\nI... I'm so sorry.", "En-Enjoy the rest of your date.", "She seems nice.", "Lilly, what the hell...\n- I'm sorry.", "I only snuck up\nthere because...", "when I saw how cute she was yesterday,\nI freaked out.", "Lily, you saw her yesterday?", "Yeah, I...\nkind of chased her down the street.", "Wait, so you were the\nhunchback with the limp?", "Yeah.", "And she didn't break the picture,\nI did.", "So Chloe's not crazy, she's...", "just a nice, normal girl.", "Yeah, she is.", "And you deserve a nice,\nnormal girl.", "So, why don't you\njust go back up there", "and-and finish your date.", "Yeah.", "Okay.", "Okay.", "Wait, if you were the hunchback,\nthen why did she think you were a guy?", "I-I might have used a voice\nthat sounded like this.", "Why?\n- Because I didn't want", "her to know it was me, which\nI now realize doesn't make sense,", "because she hadn't even met me.", "You're crazy.", "You have... crazier eyes than\nanybody that I have ever met.", "Shouldn't you be\ngoing back up...", "I mean,\nyou're out of your mind.", "You're... just\nabsolutely insane.", "Shouldn't you be\ngoing back upstairs?", "I've missed you so much.", "Okay, I ran it by the group,", "and we decided we're\ngonna give you a choice.", "We will agree to stop\ncalling you Swarley,", "but instead,\nwe'll call you Jennifer.", "Well?", "I'm thinking.", "How about this?\nOn Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays...", "Hey.", "Look at this.", "So right there,\nin the exact same place", "that six months earlier I had\nwalked up and found Marshall alone,", "crying over his breakup with Lily,\nI found him again.", "Only this time he wasn't alone,", "and he was happy.", "So we went to the bar to celebrate,\nand it was great.", "I was with Robin,\nMarshall and Lily were back together,", "and Barney had a cool new name.", "All was right with the world...", "until we got back\nto the apartment.", "Oh, my God.", "Hey, Chloe, I...", "guess I forgot I\nleft you up here.", "I was gonna leave,\nbut I can't find my keys.", "They're right there\non the coffee table.", "Silly me.", "I must have looked\neverywhere else.", "Well... I'm just gonna go.", "Oh, I don't think we've met.\nI'm Chloe.", "Robin.", "It's nice to meet you, Roland.", "I'll see you guys later.", "Roland?", "Your name's Roland.", "That's funny, right?", "Rock and Roland.", "Warsaw is the capital\nof what? Roland.", "You're Monica Roland-ski.", "Hey, yeah,\nthat's just how I Roland.", "Nice try, Swarley.\n- Damn it.", "Swarley!", "# Sometimes you want to go #", "# Where everybody #\n# knows your name #", "# And they're always #\n# glad you came... #", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team\nwww.forom.com", "Craving big poker? Feast your eyes on Venom.\n$5 million GTD. AmericasCardroom.com"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E08 Atlantic City": ["And so, after six months apart,", "Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall\nwere finally back together.", "Oh, my God.", "These pancakes are delicious!", "Yes. Thank you.", "Um, I learned how to cook while\nyou were gone this summer.", "Oh. Do you want to\ncook dinner tonight?", "Yeah, sure.", "How about pancakes?", "And things were back\nto normal... almost.", "You may not have much range,\nbut at least I'm marrying a guy", "who knows how to make pancakes.", "Oh, um...", "I mean, um...", "Well, I... I realize that we\nhaven't really discussed", "whether us getting back together\nmeans us getting married, but...", "I still wanna.", "Do you still wanna?", "Really?", "Of course, I love you.", "No, I mean,\nthat's how you're gonna do it?", "\"Do you still wanna?\" That's\nlike the lamest proposal ever.", "When I did it, I got down on my knees...\nI don't know, I'm just saying.", "Marshall Eriksen,\nwill you ma...", "No, no, no, no, no, no.\n- What?!", "You can't lead with that.\nYou got to... build up to that.", "You got to have,\nlike, a little speech.", "Do you remember your\nproposal to me?", "I had a speech prepared.", "What do you want to hear?", "I don't know.\nI mean, you could tell me,", "like, about how good-looking\nand funny and smart I am", "and I've been\nworking out lately.", "It might be nice for you to\nmention something... about that.", "Marshall...", "you are good-looking...\n- Thank you.", "You're funny.\n- Oh, thanks.", "You're smart.\n- And a few tears wouldn't hurt.", "Okay, would you freakin'\nmarry me already?", "I'll marry you. Of course.", "But, um, until you see a ring on this\nfinger, don't expect me to put out.", "Yeah, right.", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team", "www.forom.com", "-= www.OpenSubtitles.org =-", "I'll give you this.", "That was a very\ncreative use of syrup.", "I can't even look Mrs.\nButterworth in the eye.", "Oh, my God.\nWe're getting married!", "I know, I know.", "It was a moment of happiness,", "followed of course by a\nmoment of total panic.", "See, when they called\noff their first wedding,", "Aunt Lily took off\nfor San Francisco", "leaving Uncle Marshall\nwith the unfortunate task", "of telling his entire family.", "Yeah, so now she's gone\nand the wedding's off.", "What do you call someone who just\ntakes off and leaves like that?", "What do you call that?", "I think that that's\na little strong.", "I can't even believe you\nwould use a word like that.", "Geez, Grandma.", "Man, I made a big mess by\ncanceling this wedding, didn't I?", "It's okay, baby.", "You're not just realizing that now,\nare you?", "God, the idea of standing up\nthere in front of all those people", "who hate my guts...", "just makes me want to run off to\nAtlantic City and get married today.", "Yeah.", "Coming up at 11:00:\nAre there piranhas in the East River?", "What you don't know...\ncould eat you.", "Robin! Stop the news!", "What the hell?\n- It's okay. They're my friends.", "We're going to Atlantic City to elope.\nYou got to come with us.", "Oh, my God,\nthat is so fantastic!", "I-I don't know if I\ncan just leave work.", "It's okay;\nMike can read the news tonight.", "Hey,  Mike...\nyou can read, right?", "Yeah, I'm the best at reading.", "Let's go to Atlantic City!\n- Yeah!", "You guys are eloping!\nOh, that's fantastic.", "Wait, is this because there's a time\ncrunch Uncle Ted should know about?", "I hope not because I plan\non getting hammered.", "Guys, this sounds like so much fun,\nbut I can't really take off work.", "I'm kind of important around here,\nyou know? I'm the project manager.", "Ted, for the rest of our lives,", "we are going to be\ntelling the amazing story", "of how we went to Atlantic\nCity and got married.", "Don't you want to\nbe in that story?", "Of course I do.", "Let's go to Atlantic City!\n- Yeah!", "Oh, but when we tell the story, can you\nleave out the part where I hesitate?", "You got it.", "Hey, guys.", "Wow. A pedicure.", "Uh, if there were any shame\nin a dude getting a pedicure", "I don't think there would have been a\nfeature about it in Details magazine.", "We're going to Atlantic\nCity to elope right now!", "Oh, congratulations, Lily.", "Marshall, you're getting married?\nWhat the hell?", "So are you in or not?", "Hell, yeah, I'm in!", "Just... I'm almost done.", "No, we got to get going to the...\n- Well, actually, I mean...", "It is my wedding day,\nand since we're here...", "So we all got a pedicure\nand then headed down...", "to Atlantic City.", "Wow. Look at this place.", "I guess I'll have my\npick of something old.", "And something blue. Somebody\nshould really check on this lady.", "Ah, A.C., always in decline,", "never hitting bottom.", "It's good to be back,\nold friend.", "You been here before?", "Oh, uh, once or twice.", "Barney!", "Ah, good to see you, too.", "Three times, maybe.", "The wedding chapel--\nthis is it.", "Are you ready to do this?", "I'm  ready.", "Let's get married.\n- Yeah.", "Oh, crap. I don't have a veil.", "I'm a bride;\nI can't get married without a veil.", "And a bouquet.\nI need a veil and a bouquet.", "Oh, my God,\nwe're getting married.", "Don't worry. Relax.\nWe'll get you a veil, honey.", "Oh, Robin,\nthat's a really cute outfit.", "Oh, really? Thanks.", "Yeah, it has to go. I'm the bride;\nyou can't look better than me.", "Done.", "I'm going to get the bouquet.\nYou guys get the veil.", "We'll meet in the\nchapel in 20 minutes.", "Ready,  break.", "You guys want to go gamble?", "No, we got to go get the veil.", "Or we looked everywhere,\nand we couldn't find one.", "Yeah, okay.", "No, you guys go ahead.\nI'm going to find the veil.", "So this is it, right?\nThe last 20 minutes of your single life.", "I'm proud of you, buddy.\n- Thanks.", "How are you feeling?\n- Great, a little nervous.", "Yeah? Craps?\n- Not that nervous.", "No, I mean do you want to play craps.\n- Oh, yeah, definitely.", "Okay, I got the veil.", "She wasn't ready to be married.", "All right,\nlet's talk bachelor party.", "Are we thinking full-on strip club,\nor should we rent a room", "and have a private\ntoy show-- whew.", "What did you just say?", "Barney, no.\n- Marshall, I'm your best man.", "You're not my best man.\n- Right here.", "And as your best man,\nI have to throw you a bachelor party.", "That's part of\nbeing a best friend.", "You're not my best friend.\n- Right here.", "Barney, I don't have any\ntime for a bachelor party.", "I've got, like, 18 minutes.", "18 minutes.", "Oh, good. Did you get the veil?", "Of course.", "And it took us\nexactly 18 minutes.", "We went to a strip club.", "Dude!\n- Unbelievable!", "We weren't there for very long.\nIt's not like I had time", "to have a lap dance or anything.\nI got a lap dance.", "Your last lap dance ever.\n- Right...", "What?", "Okay, I'm here. Right?", "Oh, God, the things people\nwaste money on in Atlantic City.", "Does it smell like\nstrippers in here?", "That's weird, right?", "Marshall and Lily\nare getting married!", "Hell, yeah, look at this.", "Oh, baby, this is it.", "Let's do this thing.\n- All right.", "Hi. We're here to get married.", "Congratulations. We offer\na variety of packages", "to give you the special day\nyou've always dreamed about.", "We don't want any of that. Just your\nbasic quickie wedding will be fine.", "Yeah.", "You know this\nisn't Vegas, right?", "Well, sure.\nIn Vegas, the casinos pump in oxygen.", "Here, it looks like\neveryone brought their own.", "What?", "It also takes three days to get\na marriage license in New Jersey.", "The earliest I could\nbook you for is Monday.", "No, no, no, it has to be today.\nThat's the whole point.", "Look, I don't know what to say,", "but if you guys don't want\nto book a wedding for Monday", "or play a round of keno,\nI can't help you.", "Thirty-five.", "Wait, I don't understand, people get\nmarried in Atlantic City all the time.", "Yes, they do,\nbut they don't elope.", "They choose Atlantic City\nfor its white sand beaches,", "world-class amenities,\nand exotic Riviera feel.", "Have you been outside?", "There is half an orca whale rotting\nnot 20 feet from the cabana.", "You guys, take it easy, guys.", "Are you sure about this?", "About the marriage laws of the state\nwhere I work in a wedding chapel?", "Yeah, I'm pretty sure.", "Bright side:\nthe bachelor party continues!", "Yes!", "Continues? You mean\n\"start.\" He means \"start.\"", "We went to a strip club.", "Twenty-seven.", "Is there any way that we\ncould get a license today?", "You could go to the courthouse.", "In some extreme circumstances,\nthe waiting period can be waived,", "but you have to\nhave a good reason.", "Well, we're in love.", "What better reason\ncould there be?", "The last one I heard was,", "\"I'm going to Iraq tomorrow\nto defend my country,\"", "but, you know,\ngive yours a whirl.", "So we went to the courthouse.", "God, this is taking forever.", "Can't believe they're\ngetting married.", "I know.", "I am so proud of these two.\nAfter all they've been through.", "In fact,\nthat crazy road has led them", "all the way here\nto Atlantic City.", "Ted, up here.", "You were just staring\nat my shirt boobs.", "No! I wasn't.", "I-I was checking out the hot\nbod underneath the shirt.", "Okay, look,\nmaybe I was looking at your shirt,", "but it's a, it's a funny,\nfunny shirt.", "Hey, it's Barney!", "Barney!\n- Hi.", "...suit up.", "...legend.", "...Daddy.", "American daddy.", "What the hell was that?", "A... Chinese guy?", "Hi. Hello.\nUh, we need a marriage license,", "but we need to skip the\nwaiting period because...", "we're in love.", "Aw. I'm gonna waive this\nwaiting period right now.", "Oh, really?!", "Is what I would say if I could\nwaive the waiting period,", "but unfortunately,\nonly a judge can do that.", "Oh. Well,\nso can we see a judge?", "Absolutely.\n- Really?!", "Is what I would say if there was any\nchance of you seeing a judge today,", "which there isn't.", "Why are you doing this to us?!", "'Cause you're on Candid Camera!", "Really?!\n- Is what I would say...", "You know what? We get it.", "Okay, this is a good plan B.", "Judges are people.\nPeople go to the batoom.", "A judge is bound to\ncome by eventually,", "and we'll get married.", "I'm  sure we won't\nbe waiting long.", "Geez, you go to a vending\nmachine for 30 seconds.", "Vultures.", "What?", "Here?", "Yeah. Got a little\ntime to kill.", "Oh, my God,\nit's the T-shirt, isn't it?", "No.", "A little.", "Something is seriously\nwrong with you.", "So what, is that a no?", "All right, let's do it.\n- All right.", "Um, also...?", "Yes, I'll leave it on.\n- Sweet.", "Guys, let's bail.\nThis is never gonna happen.", "Look, I know this is turning\ninto a bit of a disaster,", "but believe me,\nit's better than the alternative.", "You throwing a big,\nfree party with lots of booze and food", "and all your single,\ndesperate girlfriends from college?", "Yeah, glad we\ndodged that bullet.", "Judge! Judge, come on.\nCome on, come on, come on!", "Turn it off.\n- Okay.", "May we please get\nmarried today?", "Now, normally I would say\nno to a request like that,", "but you two impress me.", "Just  the fact that you've\nbeen together for ten years,", "standing by each other's\nside through thick and thin,", "never wavering.", "What was that?\n- What was what?", "That little look.\nWhat was that?", "A look of love.", "You two have stood together\nthrough thick and thin, right?", "You know, what's thick, what's thin?\n- Yeah, I mean, all... yeah.", "I have.", "All right, what was that look?", "What's going on?", "They broke up over the summer.", "Lily totally ran off to San Francisco\nand these two just had sex in the closet.", "What? We're under oath.", "No, we're not.", "Yeah, we are. He's a judge.", "Wh-- did we take an oath?", "Do you even know\nwhat an oath is?", "Uh, yeah. Courthouse.", "Oath. We're under it.", "Guys. It's looking like\nthis isn't gonna happen.", "No, Marshall,\nwe are gonna get married today.", "Baby, anyplace we go,\nwe're gonna need a marriage license.", "Except international waters.", "So-so let's find\na ship captain.", "A ship captain can marry us.", "There's boats all\nover this place.", "Oh, is that what those wooden things\nare floating between the garbage?", "This is a great idea.\nThis is gonna work. Let's go.", "Excuse me.\nAre you a ship captain?", "This is my machine.", "I should go talk to her.\n- No, let me.", "Blackjack?\n- Yeah.", "Well, I found a guy who said he'd be\nwilling to put his boat in my slip,", "so we're getting closer.", "Okay, Lil, why is it\nso important to do this today?", "Because... if we\ndon't do it today,", "I just know we're gonna wind\nup having a huge wedding", "with a huge crowd full of\nhuge Midwestern people", "looking all disapproving\nand judging me", "while sipping little\ncups of mayonnaise", "and-and cracking runaway\nbride jokes all night long.", "Nobody's gonna do that.\n- No, they're not", "because I'm not gonna\ngive them the chance.", "I'm gonna find a ship captain and\nwe're gonna be married tonight.", "Sweetie, this is crazy.", "You're never gonna\nfind a ship capt...", "Hey, Lily.\nFound a ship captain.", "What?\n- Yeah.", "First guy we talked to.\nShip captain.", "How great is that?", "See? See, this is destiny.", "So, captain, can you take us out to\ninternational waters and marry us?", "I sure can.", "If there's two things I love, it's\nbringing people together in marriage", "and making $5,000.\n- What?", "Deal. $5,000, okay, we can do that.\nCome on, everybody.", "Fork over your cash.\nDon't think. Just do it.", "I can get us that money.", "How?", "Have you noticed\nthat all day today", "Chinese guys have been coming\nup and saying hi to me?", "Yes. Have you noticed I\nhaven't asked about it", "because I'm too\nscared of the answer?", "Well, those are my\nold gambling buddies.", "Truth  is...\nI used to come here all the time.", "Play an old Chinese game\ncalled \"Shing Hasabu Shing\".", "Had a small gambling problem.", "Actually, it wasn't\nso small. I...", "kind of lost my entire\nlife's savings.", "But tonight, I don't know,\nI'm feeling hot.", "I think I can win\nus that money.", "No, we're not letting you\ngamble all our money away.", "Uh, it's not gambling if you\nabsolutely know you're going to win.", "I'll get us that money.", "I swear it, nay...", "I oath it.", "Now, I had been to a lot of\ncasinos before that night,", "and I've been to a\nlot of casinos since,", "but in all that time I've never\nseen a game quite like this one.", "To this day,\nI have no idea how it was played.", "But luckily, Barney did.", "Do you understand\nwhat's happening?", "Not a clue.", "Do you think he's winning?", "I don't even know\nif he's playing.", "Wait, I get it.\nI understand this game.", "No, you don't.", "I totally understand\nthe game, Theodore.", "Barney, split your tiles. You can triple\nyour money if you find the jellybean.", "Marshall, please.\nDon't you think I know what I'm...", "My God, you're right.", "Wow. It's beautiful.", "Thanks, Barney.", "Did you guys see me?\nI was on fire tonight.", "Man, I can't wait to\nget back to the shore.", "God, I love gambling!", "When we get home, we're gonna\ngo to a little meeting. Okay?", "Why can't I do it\njust a little?", "Okay.", "Let's get this started.", "Okay, uh...", "you guys want the serious\none or the funny one?", "Oh, I think...\nserious would be best.", "You sure? I got a lot of\ngreat nautical jokes in there.", "Like how you two float each\nother's boat, stuff like that.", "Yeah, serious is probably good.", "\"We stand witness today", "\"to celebrate the union\nof Lily and Marshall.", "\"Today, you two\nwill become one,", "\"sharing your lives,", "\"the happiness, the sadness,", "\"the frustrations\nand the joy...\"", "This is pretty cool.", "I can't believe you never\nwant to get married.", "I never said \"never.\"", "\"...to declare your love", "\"and devotion to each other", "\"in front of\nfriends and family,", "\"all the people who\nmatter most to you.\"", "What was that?", "What was what?", "That little look.\nYou two just shared a look.", "We don't want to do this.\n- We don't.", "Are you kidding me?", "You guys are calling\noff another wedding?", "After I spent all this\nmoney on a bridesmaid shirt?", "Did I bet someone that they'd call it\noff? I did, didn't I? Who'd I bet?", "You actually expect any of us are\ngonna come to your third wedding?", "Yes.", "'Cause it's gonna be amazing.", "Look, before I was afraid\nto face Marshall's family", "and-and I didn't want to\ndo all that work, but...", "now that we're here...", "I realize that I have to\nface Marshall's family", "and I really want to\ndo all that work.", "So do I.", "And yeah... my family\nmight still be upset with you.", "But when they see us up there, they're\ngonna see how much we love each other", "and none of that other\nstuff is gonna matter.", "I love you, Marshall.\n- I love you, too, Lily pad.", "I now pronounce\nyou man and wife.", "What?!\n- What?!", "What, is that not right?", "Are... we married?\nDid you just marry us?", "Weren't you listening?\nWe don't want to be married.", "Uh... I-I suppose I\ncould unpronounce you.", "Unpronounce us.\n- Unpronounce us!", "All right,\nI unpronounce you man and wife.", "Oh, whew... that was close.", "And that's the story of how\nUncle Marshall and Aunt Lily", "got married for 12 seconds", "somewhere off the\ncoast of Atlantic City.", "Hey, guys.\n- Hey.", "Ted.", "Is Robin here?", "Man, I hope so.", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team\nwww.forom.com", "Support us and become VIP member\nto remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E09 Slap Bet": ["..learn about relationships\nis that you're never done", "getting to know someone.", "Everyone has secrets.", "Some are nice.", "You know how to make crepes?", "That is so cool.", "Some aren't as nice.", "And then there was Derek,\nand counting you,", "that puts the total up to--\n- Oh, I got your total.", "I've been counting along.", "And some are just weird.", "You're scared of\nthe seven dwarfs?", "Just Doc. He's creepy.", "I mean the guy went\nto medical school.", "What's he doing living\nwith six coal miners?", "Oh, man! I'm so excited.\nI couldn't sleep last night.", "I bet you guys couldn't either.\n- Why?", "Only the Gala event\nfor the Grand Opening", "of Sharper Image's 500th store.\nDidn't you get my email?", "No, I blocked your address\nafter the fourth time", "you sent me the video of the\nmonkey sniffing his own butt.", "Come on! It's on me.\nI'm buying three of you foot massagers", "and one of you a nose hair trimmer.\nYou know who you are.", "Come on, let's go.", "Okay, I'm in.", "To the Willowbrook Mall!\n- To the Willowbrook Mall.", "Oh, it's at a mall?\nI'm not going.", "What? Why not?", "I just don't feel\nlike going to a mall.", "We can split a Cinnabon.", "No, I'm really not going to go.", "Come on, it'll be fun.\n- No, I don't go to malls!", "Sorry, I just don't like malls.", "Why not?", "I'd rather not say.", "Sharper Images.\n- But that's where clothes live.", "Guys, guys, guys,\nRobin doesn't like malls.", "If she doesn't want to tell us why,\nshe doesn't have to.", "I think we should all\njust respect her privacy.", "Thanks, Ted.", "So, what's the deal\nwith you and malls?", "I thought you said that,\nif I didn't want to talk about it,", "I didn't have to.", "Yeah, with those people.", "But I'm your boyfriend.\nCome on. What is it?", "Did you get arrested at a mall?", "No.", "Dumped at a mall?\n- Ted.", "Found out you were\nCanadian at a mall?", "Let it go.", "Trapped under a fake\nboulder at a mall?", "Let it go.\n- Mauled at the mall?", "Let it go!", "And who gets trapped under\na fake boulder at the mall?", "Not me in Ohio when I was nine,\nthat's for sure.", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "I don't get it. Why won't Robin\ntell me why she hates malls?", "Ted, you should be happy\nRobin has a secret.", "The more you learn\nabout a person,", "the better chance you have of\nhitting the fatal \"Oh\" moment.", "The \"Oh\" moment?", "Yeah, that moment when you find\nout that one detail about a person", "that is going to\nbe a deal breaker.", "It's a promise ring.", "I made a pact with God to stay\na virgin till I'm married.", "I don't have an\neating disorder.", "It's just when I put food in my mouth,\nI chew it, and then I spit it out.", "I just turned 30.", "So trust me,\nyou want to postpone", "knowing anything about each\nother for as long as possible.", "Mmm. I disagree.\nIf there is some potential \"Oh\" moment,", "I want to know about it right away.\nI mean, what's the alternative?", "I now pronounce you,\nman and wife.", "I love you.", "I used to be a dude.", "Yeah, I agree with Ted.", "In a real relationship,\nyou share everything.", "That's why Marshall and\nI don't keep any secrets.", "You are such a cutie pie.\nHere's a quarter.", "Go play a song on the jukebox.", "No, it's true.\nThey tell each other everything.", "I can think of tons of things,\nthere's no way Marshall's told you.", "Try me.", "Do you know about the time\nMarshall was in Trenton?", "Donkey ate his pants. Yup.", "Bill's bachelor\nparty in Memphis?", "Oh, when they had to pump out\nall the nickels from his stomach?", "Wow. Okay. Seattle.", "Trick question. Marshall's never\nbeen to the Pacific Northwest", "because he's afraid\nof Sasquatch.", "Damn,  you're good.", "I'm not afraid of Sasquatch,\nI just think we should all be on alert.", "Trust me. Not only do they\ntell each other everything,", "they want to know everything.", "So after the shower I was brushing\nmy teeth. And I was like,", "\"Oh, man!\nI wanted to have some orange juice.", "I should have done that first.\"", "But I already had the\ntoothpaste on the toothbrush.", "So I just went ahead\nand brushed them anyway.", "What happened next?", "Yeah, meanwhile,\nRobin tells me nothing.", "Fine. Do you want to know\nwhat Robin's secret is?", "You know?", "Of course I know.", "She couldn't look at us,\nher face got flushed--", "that's  shame, my friend.", "Our friend Robin used to do porn,\nwait for it...", "...ography.", "Yeah, we didn't really\nneed to wait for that.", "And it's ridiculous.", "I don't know.\nHe could be right.", "She does have the fake\norgasm noises down.", "Hey!", "What? The walls are thin.", "That's not what I'm\n\"hey\"ing you about.", "You know what it might be?", "This is going to sound a little\ncrazy but what if Robin is married?", "Married? What does that\nhave to do with the mall?", "Well, maybe she got\nmarried at the mall.", "Back home in Minnesota,\na ton of people get married", "at  the Mall of America.\nIt's great.", "There's this gorgeous indoor\ngolf course for pictures,", "numerous fine dining options,\nand talk about a reasonable--", "We are not getting married at the mall!\n- Well, just meet with the guy.", "She's not married.\nRobin hates marriage.", "Because she already\ngot married.", "At the mall.", "No, because before Robin\nmoved to New York, she...", "What was she doing?", "Well, I don't know.\nWhenever I ask her about Canada,", "she kind of clams up.", "She's a pretty private person.", "Except when she's\ntalking about...", "Oh, a friend of mine in Canada\ngot married way too young", "and it really turned\nher off to marriage.", "What do you think of\nthis wedding cake?", "Oh, I like it.", "Hey, you remember that\nfriend of mine in Canada", "who got married way too young?", "Her wedding cake was a Mrs. Fields'\ngiant cookie.", "No.", "My friend in Canada who\ngot married way too young,", "they had to do their vows twice,\nonce in French.", "They speak French there, too?", "God, that place is a mess.", "So you don't think there's\nany \"friend\" from Canada?", "Oh, I'm sure there is.", "Just like I have a \"friend\" who\nwet his bed till he was ten.", "Use your brain, Ted.", "Guys, there's no way\nRobin is married.", "It's ludicrous to\neven suggest it.", "Thank you, Barney.\n- 'Cause it's porn.", "I need another beer.", "Robin was not in porn.\nI bet you anything that she's married.", "$20,000 says it's porn.", "I don't have $20,000.", "Well, then what do you have?", "Well...\n- No.", "I've got it.\nThe ultimate wager--", "slap bet.", "Oh, slap bet.\nWe used to do those when I was a kid.", "What the hell's a slap bet?", "Whoever is right gets to slap\nthe other person in the face", "as hard as they possibly can--\nbut no rings.", "Are you really going to do that?\nThat's so immature.", "You can be Slap Bet Commissioner.\n- Ooh, I love it. What are my powers?", "Um, if a problem arises and we\nneed a ruling, that's your job.", "But you have to be unbiased", "and put the integrity of\nslap bet above all else.", "This is an honor you will\ntake with you to your grave.", "On your tombstone,\nit will read,", "\"Lily Aldrin, caring wife,\nloving friend,", "Slap Bet Commissioner.\"", "And your tombstone will read \"Got\nslapped by Marshall, so hard he died.\"", "Okay. What if I just ask Robin\npoint blank if she has a husband?", "You said you would\nrespect her privacy,", "so maybe you should\njust drop it.", "Yeah, you're right.", "Husband.", "There's no \"P\" in husband.", "Wow, you seem to know\na lot about husbands.", "Fine. I'll take it back.", "Oh, hey, since you mentioned husbands,\nthis is great, you're going to love this.", "Marshall, you know Marshall.\nHe thinks that the reason", "you didn't want to go to\nthe mall the other day", "is because you got married at a\nmall and have a husband in Canada.", "I told him he's crazy.\nBecause he's crazy, right?", "I mean, how crazy is that?", "Are you asking me\nif I'm married?", "Well, you can ask me.", "Nope, I'm not married.\nYour turn.", "What happened to\nrespecting my privacy?", "Look, just say, \"No,\nI'm not married.\"", "Ted, I don't understand\nwhy you can't--", "Just say, \"No,\nI'm not married.\"", "I can't.", "Marshall's right.", "I was young and I got married.", "It was a mistake and\nhe moved away, but...", "yeah. I'm married.", "You have a husband?", "I was young and stupid", "and we got married at a mall\nand we broke up at a mall", "and I...\nI haven't been to a mall since.", "Why didn't you get divorced?", "He moved to Hong Kong for\nwork and I was like...", "eh, good enough.", "Good enough?\nThat's not good enough.", "You order pancakes, you get waffles,\nthat's good enough.", "Look, I haven't\nseen him in years.", "It's just a part of my\nlife I want to forget.", "Just please don't tell\nanyone about this.", "Okay.", "Dude, your hand is monstrous.", "Yeah, well, what'd you expect?\nYou've seen my penis.", "I can't believe you\ntold us Robin's secret.", "What? How could I keep\nsomething like that to myself?", "And you begged me to tell you.", "No, I didn't.", "Please tell us. Just tell us.\nI'm begging you.", "Tell us. Tell us. Tell us.\nPlease please please--", "Fine. Robin's married.", "Yeah, well,\nyou still shouldn't have told us.", "I mean,\nwhat kind of boyfriend are you?", "See that's just it,\nI'm not the boyfriend.", "I'm the mistress.", "No, not the mistress.", "The mastress.", "The master.\nWhat do you call it?", "Uh, pretty sure we're\ngoing to call it mistress.", "What am I going to do?\nMy girlfriend's married.", "Do I ask her to get a divorce?", "Ted, even if she is married,\nit's a Canadian marriage.", "It's like their money,\nor their army.", "Nobody takes it seriously.", "It's serious to me.", "You know what, in some countries,\nif you been separated", "for longer than five years,\ntechnically, you're no longer married.", "I can check it out at the\nlaw library at school.", "I can see my hand\nprint on your face.", "Don't get too cocky, Slappy.", "I just got a shipment of porn\nfrom Canada I have to go through.", "I won the bet.\nWhy are you still searching?", "Just because you were right\ndoesn't mean I'm wrong.", "Oh, right, like you need\nan excuse to watch porn.", "Canadian porn.", "Trust me when I tell you their\nuniversal health care system", "doesn't cover breast implants.", "If I have to sit through one\nmore flat-chested Nova Scotian", "riding a Mountie on\nthe back of a Zamboni", "I'll go out of my mind.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "Listen, dude,\nI got to talk to you,", "but you got to promise me\nthat you won't tell Barney.", "Fine, I won't tell Barney.\nWhat is it?", "Robin's not married.\n- What?", "Why would she tell me she was?", "I don't know, but I cross-\nchecked every record in Canada.", "There's no record of\nher ever being married.", "There must be some mistake.", "I promise you.\nShe's not married.", "She's not great at\nparking legally either.", "So she lied to me?\nW--What am I going to do?", "I-I can't confront her,\n'cause then she'll know I told you.", "You got to lawyer her.", "You got to ask her a bunch of questions,\ntry to trip her up,", "maybe make her feel guilty,\nwhatever it takes", "to get a confession out of her.", "Thanks for telling\nme your secret.", "It means so much to me,\nthat you could be so--", "God, what's the word\nI'm looking for?", "Honest.", "Mm, thanks, Ted.", "Yeah. You know what's probably\nthe best part about your honesty?", "How truthful it is.", "I say we just move on.", "Well, for me to get total\nclosure on this whole", "\"my girlfriend has\na husband\" thing,", "I think I might need a\nlittle bit more information,", "like what month did\nyou get married?", "June. We had a June wedding.", "Ah, Canada in June.", "That's the dream.", "Sit-down or buffet?", "Well, it's...\nweird that you don't remember.", "No, I just didn't\nknow how to answer", "because we did butlered hors\nd'oeuvres in the atrium,", "but the actual dinner was\na buffet in the Food Court", "featuring a filet mignon or a\nroasted potato-crusted salmon", "with a lobster\nscallion beurre blanc.", "Band or DJ?", "A string quartet played\nat the ceremony,", "but for the actual reception,\nwe had a seven-piece band.", "We paid extra for the sax", "'cause I just love that\nsmooth alto sound.", " How many bridesmaids?\n- Seven.", "Flowers?\n- Azaleas.", "Color scheme?\n- Dusty rose and sienna.", "Husband's  name.", "You were never married!\n- Yes, I was.", "No, you weren't.\n- How do you know?", "I looked it up at the library.", " What library?\n- The one on Fifth.", "When did you go?\n- Today at lunch,", "and I had an apple brie\npanini with potato salad...", "I'm not questioning\nthe lunch part, Ted.", "What database did you use?", "I used the Canadian\nMall Marriage 6000.", "Fine, Marshall looked\nit up at school.", "You told Marshall?!\n- You lied to me!", "See, this is why I don't\ntell people secrets.", "You were supposed to be the\none person I trusted the most", "and even you couldn't\nkeep a secret.", "But it was a fake secret.", "Yeah, I was testing\nyou and you failed.", "And now you're never gonna know\nwhy I don't go to the mall.", "And it's good, too.", "You were testing me?\nThat's insane.", "Oh, yeah? How long did it\ntake for you to tell Marshall", "my biggest secret in the world?\nFive minutes?", "That wasn't a real secret!\n- Yeah, but it could have been.", "You are driving me crazy!", "No wonder your fake\nhusband moved to Hong Kong.", "He moved there for business.", "You.", "You got something to say to me?", "What are you talking about?", "I know Robin was\nnever really married.", "How could you\npossibly know that?", "And then I put on my\npajamas and got into bed.", "How about you?", "Oh, let's see, uh,\nfirst I took the subway to school.", "Then I got a bagel.", "Then I went to the library and\nfound out Robin was never married.", "Crazy.", "Then I was hungry again,\nso I went down to the vending machine,", "but by the time I got down there,\nI wasn't even hungry anymore.", "You told him?\n- I had to.", "I'm Slap Bet Commissioner.", "Believe me, this hurts me more\nthan it's gonna hurt you.", "Don't count on it.\nI've been practicing on a tree trunk.", "Barney gets three slaps.\n- Three?", "One because you lied and two\nfor being prematurely slapped.", "Three slaps.", "But--", "Oh, my God.", "Are you gonna cry?\n- No.", "You're gonna cry.", "I just don't think it's healthy to\nkeep big secrets in a relationship.", "My parents didn't really talk\nto each other for 30 years", "and now they're divorced.", "I have shared more\nof myself with you", "than I've ever\nshared with anyone.", "I'm asking for this one secret,", "which has nothing to do with us,\nto just be mine.", "So I just got a very\ninteresting phone call.", "What are you talking about?", "I know Robin's secret.", "What?\n- That's right.", "I know your secret, Robin.", "Or should I say Robin Sparkles?", "How do you know that name?", "Because I know the truth,", "and I am about to show\nit to you right now.", "Gather 'round, Ted,\nyou're gonna want to see this.", "Yeah, no, I don't.", "What?", "Robin wants to keep\nthis a secret, so...", "it's gonna stay a secret.", "Yeah, it's not\ngonna stay a secret.", "You see, in my research,", "I came upon a certain\ngentleman in Malaysia", "who is in possession of\na certain videotape.", "He just emailed me that\nit will be up and running", "on My Space in about...\nright now.", "Robin's world is about to\nbe turned upside-down.", "I mean, I'm guessing.", "Barney, don't, okay?", "Robin, please don't panic.", "I'm only gonna show enough to\nprove to Marshall I was right.", "No, Barney,\nI said we're not watching this.", "No, it's time.", "Look, I appreciate what\nyou're trying to do,", "but if it's out there, there's no\npoint in trying to hide it anymore.", "Let's just watch it\nand be done with it.", "Are you as terrified as I am?", "I don't want to\nget slapped again.", "I want to stress\nthat I was young.", "Yeah, you were.", "And I didn't know any better.", "They never do.", "And it started out as an\ninnocent modeling job.", "It always does.", "Please, Mr. Johnson.", "I'm sorry I was a bad girl.", "Please don't give me detention.", "Isn't there something I can\ndo to make it up to you?", "Oh, my God.", "Well, obviously,\nI've been proven right,", "so in the interest\nof Robin's dignity,", "I won't show anymore.", "Plus, it's getting late.\nIt's already slap o'clock.", "What the hell was that?", "Uh, I slap bet Marshall that\nyou did porn, so I win.", "Porn? I wish it was porn.\nIt would be less embarrassing.", "I know.", "How about I sing you a song?", "Let's go to the\nmall, everybody!", "I was a teenage\npop star in Canada.", "# Put on your jelly bracelets #", "# And your cool graffiti coat #", "# At the mall, having fun #", "# Is what it's all about #", "This is the most amazing\nthing I've ever seen.", "That's you?\n- Yes.", "I had one minor hit.", "I had to go all over Canada\nand sing this song in malls.", "For a whole year, I lived off of\nOrange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels.", "# Everybody come and play #", "# Throw every last care away #", "# Let's go to the mall #", "# Today #", "If this is the '90s,\nwhy does it look like 1986?", "The '80s didn't come to Canada till,\nlike, '93.", "Taking a break from the first of many,\nmany viewings,", "I can't help but notice\nthat this isn't porn.", "And yet,\na slap occurred without the permission", "of the Slap Bet Commissioner.", "Looks like somebody suffered\nfrom premature slapulation.", "Oh, my God, Robin's rapping.", "Guys, Robin's rapping.", "# Went to the mall with #\n# a couple of friends #", "# I had a whole week's #\n# allowance to spend #", "Okay, I'm going to\ngive you a choice.", "Either ten slaps\nright now in a row,", "or five slaps that\ncan be doled out", "at any point from\nhere to eternity.", "You go with the ten now.", "No way,\nwhy get ten when you can get five?", "Yeah, but the constant fear of\nknowing that at any moment,", "you could get slapped in the face,\nwould drive you crazy.", "I'm going to go with\nthe five for eternity.", "Good call.\n- Horrible call.", "Relax, dude,\nI'm just going for my soda, man.", "Take it easy.", "This is going to be fun.", "# Let's go to the mall #", "# Let's go to the mall #", "# Today #", "So just to be clear,", "you wanted everybody to\ngo to the mall today?", "Wow, we're going to\nwatch this a lot.", "I can't believe I ever wore\na Bedazzled jean jacket.", "Hey, just so you know,", "16-year-old me would\nhave been all over you.", "You could have been the girlfriend\nin Canada I told everyone I had.", "Hey, uh, I'm really sorry\nI pried this out of you.", "I probably should\nhave left it alone.", "You know what?", "You know me better now.", "That feels kind of nice.", "That's one.", "# Everybody come and play #", "# Throw every last care away #", "Wow.", "# Let's go to the mall #", "# Today #", "Did you have to laugh\nlike that every time?", "Yes.", "# This boy I like #", "# Met him at the food court #", "# He's got hair like Gretzky #", "# And he does jumps #\n# on his skateboard #", "# I hope he asks me out #", "# Take me to my favorite spot #", "# It'll be just him and me #", "# But don't forget the robot #", "The robot. Hey!", "# But, baby #\n# I don't want to wait #", "# Let's do it #", "No, she doesn't want to wait.", "# I'm gonna rock #\n# your body anyway #", "# I'm gonna rock your #\n# body till Canada Day #", "# Everybody come and play #", "# Throw every last care away #", "# Let's go to the mall #", "# Today, today, today, today #", "# Let's go to the mall #", "# Let's go to the ma-a-all #", "# Let's go to the mall #", "# Let's go to the ma-a-all #", "# Let's go to the mall #", "# Let's go to the ma-a-all #", "# Let's go to the mall #", "# Let's go to the ma-a-all #", "# Let's go to the mall #", "# Let's go to the ma-a-all #", "# Let's go to the mall #", "# Let's go to the ma-a-all #", "# Today #", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team\nwww.forom.com", "Support us and become VIP member\nto remove all ads from OpenSubtitles.org"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E10 Single Stamina": ["Kids, there's nothing more wonderful\nthan New York City  in the winter", "... except the view of New York City", "in the winter\nthrough your apartment window.", "In the winter of 2006,", "Marshall, Lily,\nRobin and I were all deep", "in couple hibernation mode.", "Sadly, this left Uncle Barney\nout in the cold.", "Okay.", "All-night rave,", "abandoned tire factory\nin Newark.", "We're on the list. Who's in?", "-Nope.\n-No.", "Private jet.", "Teeterboro Airport,", "skinny-skydiving.\nWho's in?", "-Nope.\n-No, thanks.", "One beer.", "Bar, downstairs,", "15 second walk. Who's in?", "Shh...", "(whispering):\nLily went sleepy-bye.", "It got so bad, Barney", "tried to be his own wingman.\nHi.", "Have you met me?", "Finally, he decided\nto bring in reinforcements.", "ALL:\nNo.", "Yes. And do you know why?", "Hang on to your bedsores,\ngrandparents from Willy Wonka,", "because guess who's", "on his way up\nto this apartment right now?", "My... wait for it...", "brother, James. React.", "ALL:\nHey!", "You have a brother?", "Yeah. He's the \"awesome-est,\"", "most best \"looking-est,\"", "greatest guy ever.", "He's exactly like Barney.", "That's what I just said.", "Well, Barney and his brother\naren't exactly alike.", "James is gay.", "Really?", "I never in a million years", "would I picture you with a gay brother,\nthat's awesome.", "Yeah. I just wanted you", "to have a heads up,\nso you don't", "act all surprised\nwhen he gets here.", "Okay. Here he is.", "What up, New York.", "Thanks for the heads up.", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "we did it never come up", "that Barney has a gay, black brother?", "Is he black?", "I guess I'm the kind\nof person that focuses", "on who people are\non the inside", "rather than the color\nof their skin.", "I'm kidding, I just\nwanted to see your face.", "Yeah, so now the\nwedding's back on.", "Anyway, James,\nhow have you been?", "Awesome, as per \"yoozh.\"", "I just went\nskinny-skydiving.", "Legendary.", "And my laser tag team,", "just made it to\nregional finals.", "\"Legendarier.\"", "And by now you've", "noticed the suit--\ngo 'head, touch it.", "Handcrafted\nby Pietro Dellacamera,", "Milan's famous 101-year-old tailor", "who upon completing\nthe very last stitch in this suit", "dropped dead,", "which is ironic because that is how\ngorgeous  look in it. C'mon.", "Gimme five.", "Is \"gimme five\" back?\nOh, yeah.", "I put it in my\nblog this morning.", "Guys, \"gimme five\" is back!", "-Oh, James, this is my girlfriend, Robin.\n-Hey.", "-It's so nice to meet you.\n-You, too.", "So, I have to ask,\nthere's a story here.", "BOTH (snickering):\nPlease.", "The truth is, Barney and James\ngot a lot of...", "different explanations\nfrom their mom over the years.", "Well, boys, you look different", "because when I was\npregnant with you,", "I only ate\nvanilla ice cream.", "And when I was\npregnant with you,", "can you guess what kind\nof ice cream I ate?", "Coffee?\nNo, James,", "I ate chocolate ice cream.", "But I did drink tons of coffee", "when I was pregnant\nwith both of you.", "Can't smoke without my coffee.", "I don't know, boys, I guess\nit's just one of those things.", "Stop asking me!", "You know what\nyou two are?", "You're little racists!", "So what are you guys\ngonna do tonight?", "I'll tell you\nwhat James is gonna do.", "He's gonna do the job\nyou've been neglecting.", "And, as always,\nhe'll do it", "a lot better\nthan you ever did.", "Ted...", "James is my wingman now.", "Okay.", "Last time James was in town,", "Barney got slapped once,", "lucky twice, and...", "whose penthouse hot tub\ndid you end up in?", "Ah, public figure,\nconfidentiality agreement.", "But I will say this:", "way more back hair than any guy", "who can afford laser hair\nremoval should have.", "And then there was the time they..", "scored the brother/sister combo.", "It was everything we ever dreamed\nof when watching", "Donnie and Marie.", "She was a little bit country.", "He was a little bit\nway into black guys.", "Yeah, Barney and James together\nwas a lethal combination.", "Since there was never\nany crossover in targets,", "James was always there\nfor Barney with the assist.", "(mimics skidding):\nWhoa.", "Your scarf...", "it is fierce!", "Thanks. H & M.", "What? I would never know,", "'cause it is so hot\nthat my eyes are melting.", "Oh, I can't see.", "Hey! You know,\nspeaking of things", "that would look good\nwrapped around you,", "have you met my straight\nbrother, Barney?", "Oh, he is fab--\ndon't you go nowhere--", "\"ulous.\" Okay?", "And Barney always returned\nthe favor.", "Help, I don't think\nhe's breathing.", "Does anyone know\nmouth-to-mouth?", "Oh, my God, I do!", "Okay, great. How\n'bout you instead?", "Oh, man, I am so\nexcited that you're here!", "It has been forever\nsince I have been around", "anyone even remotely fun.", "Uh, yes offense.", "You guys are still going out\nwith us tonight, right?", "No.", "Jammies.\nI don't think so.", "Tonight? It's after 9:00, and...", "I have warm soup belly.", "Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Guys...", "you are young,\nattractive people here", "in the greatest city on earth.", "There are boys and girls", "in Nobody Cares, Wyoming,\nwishing they could be here.", "But instead, they are\nin someone's basement", "drinking bad malt liquor,\ndebating", "whether or not they're going\nto spend their Saturday night", "in the parking lot\nof the feed store", "or in some other dude's\nbasement.", "You owe it to them", "to rise up and shimmy\nyour lazy asses", "into something hot,\nand you go out there", "and you live their dream!", "Can I get a \"hell, yeah\"?", "Hell, yeah!\nHell, yeah!", "-Can I get a \"hell, yeah\"?\n-Hell, yeah!", "-Can I get a \"woo-woo\"?\n-Woo-woo!", "Go do it for Wyoming!", "(excited screams)\nYes!", "Testify!", "So that night,\nBarney got his wish.", "We all went out.", "Daddy's home!", "Yeah.", "All right, bro.\nWhat do you like?", "Guy in super\ntight black T?", "Super tight black guy?", "Guy who looks like Mr. T?", "Mmm, yes, yes, and...", "talk to me\nafter two martinis.", "Let's focus on you, my man.", "I'm feeling lazy.", "How about girl with\nthe chocolatini?", "Oh... boom, back tattoo.", "Hero and the pig?\nLet's ride.", "Fo' 'sho.", "Damn baby,\nnice tramp stamp!", "Get off me, you pig!", "Hey! Her body art", "is not an invitation\nto grope her,", "it's an expression\nof her inner self.", "I'm sure, in many ways, she is", "the dolphin encircled\nby flowers.", "What? What?\nWhat? What?", "Cool.", "-Let me know if he bothers you again.\n-Thanks.", "You should stay close...", "just in case.", "Sure. If it'll make\nyou feel safer.", "I'm Barney.", "Now, kids, when you're out\nat a noisy, crowded bar,", "you can always tell\nthe difference between the singles", "and the couples.", "You just have to look\nfor the signs.", "Break.\nBoiling hot.", "Singles stay on their feet\nfor maneuverability.", "Hey!\nHi, how are ya?", "BOTH:\nHave you met my brother?", "Oh, hello.\nHave a drink.", "Nice to meet ya.", "Couples, exhausted by the sheer act\nof leaving the house,", " are obsessed with finding\na place to sit down.", "There are a lot of other\nindicators, too.", "From choice\nof social lubricant...", "Woo!\nWow!", "...to basic body language.", "But the point is,", "there are many ways to tell\nwhether someone has Single Stamina", " or Couples Coma.", "I wish I would've worn sneakers.", "I just got finished running\nfrom some fat, hairy guy", "who was periscoping\nout of his pleather pants.", "Permission\nto come aboard denied.", "I miss my jammies.", "I can't believe I\nwore a bra for this.", "Bras suck. They're so\nconfining and unnatural.", "Yeah, they're like\na boobie zoo.", "Well, why don't you take it off then", "and let those puppies breathe?", "Oh, please go sweat\non someone else.", "Poor guy.", "Poor guy?\nPoor my boobs.", "Well, it takes a lot\nof guts to approach", "a girl and you\njust crushed him.", "Oh, yeah, yeah. He looks\nall broken up inside.", "Whatever, you guys have no idea\nwhat it's like to be on the receiving end.", "\"Oh, poor me.", "I'm a pretty girl and", "everybody everywhere\nwants to buy me", "drinks and have\nsex with me.\"", "Waa.", "\"Oh, poor me. I get\nto order yummy, pink drinks", "\"with chunks of real fruit\nthat guys secretly like,", "but can't order because\nthey'll be made fun of.\"", "Dude.\nThey're delicious!", "Excuse me. Join me in a shot?", "Oh, no thanks. I've had enough.", "He's too in shape,", "we'd spend all night talking about\nhis body fat content.", "Now, if you'll excuse me,\nI'm gonna go have", "a yummy, pink drink\nwith fruit in it...", "because I can.", "You know, that was,\nlike, the third hot guy", "that James\nblew off tonight.", "Yeah, he's turning\ndown shots,", "he's yawning, he's\nwhining about his feet.", "He's as bad as we are.", "He is.", "Wait, he's exactly\nas bad as we are.", "You guys don't think\nthat James is...", "in a relationship?", "No. There's no way.\nHe's Barney's brother.", "Look at that.", "He's texting!\n(all gasping)", "TED:\nOh, my God!", "He is in a couple.", "This is gonna kill Barney.", "What's gonna kill me?", "What's going on?", "B-Barney?", "Have you noticed anything...", "different about James?", "No.", "I mean, he's glowing from his\npeel, if that's what you mean.", "We have reason\nto believe that James is,", "uh, maybe hiding\nsomething from you.", "I-I know you're not gonna\nlike hearing this, but...", "Barney...", "your brother is...", "(whispering):\nmonogamous.", "That's ridiculous!", "Just because\nhe's a little sleepy,", "and he hasn't had sex", "with anyone\nin a bathroom stall...", "Huh.", "He hasn't had sex with anyone\nin a bathroom stall.", "And, Barney...", "I hate to be the one", "to tell you this,\nbut... he's texting.", "No, he...", "No!", "That...", "is impossible.", "Excuse... Ex...", "Hey, bro.", "Don't change the subject.", "Let me see your phone.", "Why?", "I just want to\nsee your phone.", "Let me see your phone.", "No, it's just a phone.\nIt's just a phone!", "And it's got Internet access,\nand it's got a camera on it,", "and you can surf the Web\nand do the whole thing.", "It's so amazing how far\ntechnology has come.", "What kind of phone\ndo you have?", "I got...", "Who is this?", "And the answer better be:\n\"I don't remember his name.\"", "That is Tom.", "He is my fiancee.", "I don't support this.", "Gay marriage?", "Not gay marriage-- marriage!", "(shivers)", "How can you do this?", "We were raised in the same\nhouse, with the same values!", "Believe me,", "I fought this for a long time.", "Come on, it's embarrassing.", "Look,", "this felt unnatural\nto me, too, at first.", "But I fell in love.", "And Tom and I realized\nyou can't fight love.", "Oh, God.", "Is that what\nyou two do together?", "You sit around the house\nand talk about love?", "I think... (groans)\nI'm gonna be sick.", "Okay, okay, look,", "I need you to wrap your head\naround this, okay?", "Because it is happening.", "And I want you\nto be my best man.", "What?", "No way.", "Well, I'm sorry\nyou feel that way.", "I hope you\nchange your mind.", "Two beers, one shot.", "Oh, it's a freaking epidemic.", "(giggling)", "Oh, sweetie!\nDid you make that for me?", "Yes.", "Clam Bake.", "Staten Island. Who's in?", "Okay, I didn't have\nhigh hopes for that one.", "Okay, here's my thing.", "If gay guys\nstart getting married,", "then suddenly the whole world's\ngonna be doing it.", "That's how it works.", "They start something,\nthen six months later,", "everyone follows.", "Like now everyone\ngets manicures.", "I don't get manicures.", "Okay, then like how...", "Like getting your chest waxed.", "(gasps):\nYou get your chest waxed?", "You know what I mean!", "Gay marriage is going to cause", "single life, as we know it,\nto die out.", "Think of how the American family\nwill be strengthened.", "Barney, I'm sorry you're upset,", "but you got to suck it up\nand be a man about this.", "No.", "It's always been\nme and him together,", "being awesome, while the rest\nof you walked two-by-two", "onto your ark\nof sexless boredom.", "Just because\nJames is getting married", "doesn't mean things\nare going to change.", "Yeah.", "Like things haven't changed\nwith you people.", "Look, my sister married\na guy I didn't like.", "Sandals and socks--\ncome on, buddy.", "But I took her out,\nwe celebrated.", "It was the right\nthing to do.", "You got to support him.", "You're right, Ted.", "This is a cause for celebration.", "We need to take him out\nand celebrate the commitment", "he and Tom are about to make.", "(dance music playing)", "Yeah.", "This is where we're\ncelebrating the commitment", "that Tom and I\nare about to make?", "What? Yeah!", "See, that cage represents\nyour commitment.", "(giggling)", "Oh, my God.", "Freedom has never tasted\nso delicious.", "Hey.", "You work out?", "I do.", "And thank you for noticing.", "You're obviously", "in very good shape yourself.", "Well, I try.", "So you want to dance?", "You know what? I'm very flattered,\nand objectively,", "you're a very attractive man,\nbut this is actually  my ???", "I'm sorry.", "You know, I saw\nyour drink and I...", "No, no,\nthis isn't my drink.", "This is hers.", "No, it isn't.", "Whatever.", "How 'bout you?", "Oh, I'm straight, too.", "But I thank you\nfor your time,", "and I appreciate\nyour interest in my body.", "You see that?", "Being hit on doesn't\nhave to be terrible.", "I feel flattered, and everyone\nleft with their dignity.", "(giggling)", "Hey, I really\nlike your sweater.", "Wow.", "You actually do, don't you?", "You're not checking out", "my boobs or anything.", "My name's Gay Ken,\nwhat do you think?", "I love this place!", "Let's dance!\nAnd not be groped!", "Whoo! Thank you.", "Damn.", "Thank you!", "We're hot totally.", "(James laughing)", "And then Tom says\nto the dealer", "that the handmade Georgian clock\nhas a chip on the corner.", "Blam, we get\nthat puppy half price.", "What up?!", "Bam!\n(laughing)", "Sounds like you really rocked\nthat arts and crafts fair.", "Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.", "Hey, oh, my God.", "Thisis so liberating, being\nable to talk about this to you.", "I cannot wait\nfor you to meet Tom.", "And I cannot wait for you\nto meet my good friend...", "this guy.", "Excuse me, do you know anyone\nwho would like to buy", "my incredibly muscular, fun,\nlarge-handed brother a drink?", "Eh, eh, eh, let's focus\non you, Barnaby.", "Okay.\n(imitating radar beeping)", "All right.", "I spy a group of women who have\nlet their defenses down", "because they are\nin a gay club.", "You see that chick\nright there?", "She looks like\nshe'd fall for", "sports agent\nand football player.", "Okay, I'm in.", "Which one am I?", "(laughing)", "Please.", "He's very shy,", "loves tennis and Brazil,", "and drops his pants\nafter three dirty martinis.", "Now go, man, go!", "I just never thought I'd\nsee Barney so vulnerable.", "Well, I guess no one\nwants to feel like", "they're going through\nthe world alone.", "Look at me, in a yummy sandwich!", "Okay, we're actually\nright in the middle", "of something\nright now, so...", "Ooh, I know what I want to be\nin the middle of. Thoughts?", "God, can't two straight guys", "come to a gay dance club,\nenjoy some techno", "and good conversation\nwithout being bothered?", "How's it going, guys?", "Still enjoying\nthe attentions of men?", "That's like the eighth guy\nwho's hit on us in ten minutes.", "It's like, hello,\nmy eyes are up here.", "And it's never the hot ones.", "It's always the losers.\nBums me out!", "Looks like the boys\nlearned their lesson.", "Do you totally miss\nbeing hit on?", "Oh, totally.\nLet's go find a sports bar.", "James, James, since you like\narts and crafts,", "look at what\nCharles here made", "with cherry stems.", "He did it with his tongue.", "Yeah.", "Barney.", "So, Charles,", "why don't you put your number\nin my brother's phone,", "and once he's in\na funner mood...", "Barney, Barney, I\ndon't want his number.", "I don't want anyone's\nnumber, okay?", "I'm getting married.", "Wow.", "Best of luck to you both.", "Thank you.", "My number's in here.", "I'm very discreet.", "Okay, okay,\nexcuse me.", "Barney, family talk.", "Okay, dude, you have\ngot to stop this, okay?", "I know that my getting married is\nthreatening to your way of life...", "Oh, so now it's\nmy way of life?", "I thought it was\nour way of life.", "You've completely\nturned your back on it.", "Look at you,\nnot even suited up.", "Do you remember why\nwe suit up, James?", "To get laid.", "To show people\nthat we are different", "from the millions of T-shirt\nand jeans lemmings out there.", "The suit shows", "that we are a force\nto be reckoned with,", "a two-person army\nthat plays by its own rules.", "But you've taken off\nthe uniform,", "you've crossed enemy lines,\nand you've abandoned me.", "Well, I'm not gonna\nlet you do that.", "It's not too late to back out\nof this stupid marriage thing!", "You don't have to do this, bro!", "-Yes, I do.\n- Why?!", "Because Tom and I are\ngonna have a baby.", "What? There's gonna be a baby?", "Yes.", "We're adopting.", "Oh, my God.", "I'm gonna be an uncle?", "For the rest of your life.", "(laughing)", "And that's how Barney\nbecame Uncle Barney.", "A year later,\nat James's wedding,", "Barney could not\nhave been more proud.", "To James and Tom.", "May you have a long\nand happy life together.", "And may I always have the skin\nand libido of a much younger man.", "-Cheers.\n-Cheers.", "Nice one.", "Thanks. I decided to leave out\nthe hetero college phase.", "No one wants to hear about that.", "It was perfect.", "You even made\nTom's dad cry.", "Might have been doing that\nbecause he's a Republican.", "(chuckles)", "Whoa.", "It's 9:00.", "We should be\ngetting back.", "You guys want\nto split a cab?", "Uh, no, I think I'm gonna\nstay a little bit longer.", "Yeah, me, too. I'm\nnot tired at all.", "All right, well,\nit's getting late.", "Got to get\nthe wife home.", "Oh, stop calling me that.", "It makes me sound fat.", "Ugh, it's a freaking epidemic.", "See ya.", "* I won't tell *", "* What you told *", "* I won't share... *", "May I?\nYeah.", "(chuckles)", "* I will grow old *", "* No one will know... *", "Hey, buddy.", "Your parents are married.", "Now, listen,", "Just because you're being\nraised by married people", "doesn't mean you have to choose\nthat lifestyle.", "High-five.", "Luckily, you got me.", "In 20 and a half years,\nyou'll be 21,", "and I will be...", "Well, I haven't decided\nhow old I'll be yet.", "But we are gonna", "bro out, uncle and nephew style.", "Stick with me, kid.", "I am gonna teach\nyou how to live.", "Great suit,  by the way.", "(mock straining)", "Who is the cutest?", "See Robin?", "Tom likes big breast,\nand I intended great it", "and now it's laid and out", "(sobbing):\nWhy?", "Rosa, why always be attracted\nto the unavailable ones?", "Why not accept the fact\nthat you're a beautiful woman", "who is worthy of love?", "Are you brave enough\nto hear that?", "You...\nHmm.", "Craving big poker? Feast your eyes on Venom.\n$5 million GTD. AmericasCardroom.com"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E11 How Lily Stole Christmas": ["Fsx you spend with your family.", "So in December of 2006,\nI had three options.", "Spend it with my mom\nand her new boyfriend Clint,", "spend it with my dad and his\nnew girlfriend micro-brewing,", "or head down to Staten Island\nto spend it", "with my super religious cousin\nStacy in her family", "So I opted\nfor none of the above", "and decided\nto spend Christmas 2006", "in Manhattan...", "celebrating\nwith my other family.", "Okay, I have one last paper\ndue at 5:00 p.m. today,", "so until then, I will be\nat the law library at school,", "but I'm not to be disturbed\nfor any reason.", "Dude, open your eyes.", "You're going to\nhurt yourself.", "No, no.", "Christmas Eve winter wonderland\nis my reward", "for finishing my paper.", "Oh.", "Baby, do I smell your\nSinfully Cinnamon Cookies?", "Yes.", "Damn me and\nmy heightened\nother senses.", "Must be strong.", "Okay, I'll be\nback here at 5:00.", "Save me at least 20 cookies", "and do not\nclean the bowl.", "Was that a reindeer?", "I don't want to know!", "Hey, look.", "Our old answering machine.\nOh, yeah.", "After you left, we,\nuh, we unplugged it", "because it\nreminded Marshall", "of how you used to, you\nknow, leave messages.", "But hey,", "you guys are\nback together.", "I say we're\nplugging it back in.", "It's good to have you back.", "Thanks.", "Oh, hey, look, there's\nstill some messages on here.", "MR. MOSBY:\nHey Ted, it's Dad\ncalling to check in.", "I'm going fishing this weekend\nwith my friend Clint,", "so if I don't hear from you\nbeforehand,", "I'll talk to you next week.", "Yes, same Clint.", "TED (on machine):\nHey, Marshall.", "Are you lying on the couch\nright now moping about Lily?", "You are, aren't you?\nOh...", "Well, stop it.", "She's not worth it.", "You gotta get over that Grinch.", "But I didn't say \"Grinch.\"", "I said a bad word.", "A very, very bad word.", "Oh, fudge.", "But I didn't say fudge.", "The Venom - $5 million GTD Poker Tourney\nDownload AmericasCardroom.com", "a what?", "I--", "That was Barney,\nthat was Barney.", "That was you, Ted.\nThat was Marshall.", "Marshall left a message\nfor Marshall?", "You know, it may have been\nme, but it was so long ago.", "Man, that machine, it\nreally garbles your voice.", "You know, it almost\nmade it sound like I said...", "Why would you call me that?", "It was a fair question.", "Marshall's breakup with Lily\nhad sent him", "into a deep depression", "and nothing could get him out\nof it.\n(moans)", "Until one day...", "She was perfect.", "I lost the perfect woman.", "I should have knocked her up\nwhen I had the chance.", "Okay.", "That's it.", "You're never going\nto get over her", "until you stop putting her\non a pedestal.", "So no more ice cream\nuntil you tell me", "one thing that's wrong\nwith Lily.", "There's only one of her?", "Okay.", "She called off your wedding\nand dumped you", "to be a painter\nin San Francisco.", "What do you call that?", "Fiercely independent?\nUh-uh.", "Brave?", "I guess it was\na little selfish.", "There you go.", "And in almost no time,", "that spark turned\ninto a roaring fire.", "Yeah. No, you're right.\nLily would laugh at anything.", "She'd give it up for a bad pun.", "I'm telling you,\nshe's a laugh slut.", "Remember that time\nwe heard her laughing", "and we thought she was\nwatching Weekend At Bernie's,", "but it turned out she was\nwatching Weekend At Bernie's 2?", "And her art?", "\"I'm Lily, I'm an artist.\"", "She doesn't even own a beret.", "Yeah, and if she's\nsuch a great \"artist,\"", "why does she suck at Pictionary?", "Who draws a ninja star\nlike a Star of David?", "Come on, come on.\nRight, right?\nYeah!", "Another round!", "(laughing):\nYeah!", "I was trying to help him.", "I'm his best friend.", "That's the best friend's job.", "The best friend's job is\nto call me that word?", "Yeah.", "Oh, Ted.", "Oh, Teddy boy.", "Why is this such a big deal?", "It's just a word.", "We use lots of words, every day.", "It shouldn't be any different\nthan any other word.", "Then why don't you say it now?", "Grinch.", "You timed that didn't you?", "Perfectly.", "Well, at least\nyou apologized.", "You apologized,\ndidn't you?", "Oh, yeah.", "\"I'm sorry\" were the first\nwords out of my mouth.", "I'm sorry, but I am\nnot apologizing.", "I was just trying to put\nthe guy back together.", "You smashed him to pieces.", "Are you seriously not going to\napologize for leaving that...?", "No!\nWhy not?", "Because, Lily, this summer,", "you were kind of a Grinch.", "BOTH:\nOooh.", "Oh, you'll be\nsorry, Ted Mosby.", "Ted Vivian Mosby!", "That's not my middle name.", "You kiss your mother\nwith that mouth?", "Like you've never\nsaid that word.", "I don't kiss your mother\nwith my mouth.", "Yet.", "Are you sick?", "Is it sick to find maturity", "and experience sexy?", "No, I meant", "do you have a cold?", "I'm fine.", "I'm fine.", "My nose is just\noverflowing with awesome", "and I had to get some of it out.", "Now, if you'll excuse me, the\nholidays are a time when people", "are lonely and desperate.", "It's the most wonderful\ntime of the year.", "I should go apologize.", "It's Christmas Eve.", "Yeah. I mean, slamming\ndoors and screaming curses?", "If I wanted that, I would have\ngone home for the holidays.", "I don't see any\nmistletoe, but...", "Oh! Oh, God!", "Uh... \"Bless you\" would\nhave been nice.", "You're sick.\nI'm not sick.", "You're sick.", "You know what? I am sick.", "Sick of you telling me I'm sick.", "What up?", "Ahh... Three flights of stairs,\nnot a drop spilled.", "Hey, buddy.", "You sure this\nis gonna work?", "Yeah, this is our thing.", "In college, whenever\nI wanted to make up", "with her, I'd buy her\na beer. Cute, right?", "Totally.\nPlus free mug.", "Usually that\nwould've done the trick,", "but it turned out\nthis was a problem", "not even alcohol could solve.", "Actually the beer\nhelped a little.", "She took the decorations.", "She took the decorations.", "What a grinch.", "That time i did say grinch.", "All right,", "I guess I have to call her, right?", "Lily's cell phone.", "She'll listen to reason, right?", "Oh, hey Lilly,", "Actually funny thing,", "the voice dial got you,\nI was trying to call...", "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.", "Yeah, the holidays are a rough time\nfor everyone, Billy.", "Okay, yeah,\ndinner next Wednesday.", "Okay.", "Damn voice dial.", "Barney!", "What the hell are you doing?", "Get in here, it's\nfreezing outside.", "Are you insane?", "Hey, blame Lily and her", "oppressive \"no cigars\nin the apartment rule.\"", "God, it's like Marshall's\nmarrying the Taliban.", "(sneezes)", "High five.", "Eww. No.", "You have to go home\nand get to bed.", "Oh, Robin, my simple friend\nfrom the untamed north,", "let me tell you", "about a little thing I like\nto call mind over body.", "You see,", "whenever I start feeling sick,", "I just stop being sick\nand be awesome instead.", "True story.", "Yeah, in two minutes,", "I'm going to pound a sixer\nof Red Bull, hop in a cab,", "play a couple of hours\nof laser tag,", "maybe get a spray-on tan.", "It's gonna be legen...", "Wait for it...", "(snoring softly)", "Lily!", "Merry Christmas, assface.", "Um, Lily?", "Where are the Christmas\ndecorations?", "At my apartment.", "You want to bring them back", "so we can celebrate\nChristmas together-- please?", "Ted, do you know what I would do", "if one of my kindergartners\nused that kind of language?", "I would be on the phone\nwith their parents.", "Yeah, I'm not a kindergartner.", "Exactly.", "You know what that word means.", "You know that\ncalling people names", "is mean and hurtful... assface.", "Lily, if you don't", "bring that stuff back\nright now, we...", "She hung up.", "She's just mad.\nShe'll cool down.", "Mm-hmm.\n(phone ringing)", "Aha.", "Lily...", "Don't forget to take the cookies", "out of the oven... assface!", "Damn it!", "I could be in\nCleveland right now", "making peppermint lager\nwith my dad.", "Where are you going?", "Marshall gets home\nin three hours.", "He's gonna show up--\nno Lily, no winter wonderland.", "I gotta get up\nto the Bronx.", "...dary.", "(phone ringing)", "Hey, dude,\nhow's the paper going?", "Screw the paper,\nhow's the winter wonderland?", "Is it magical?", "Oh... so magical.", "When you walk\nthrough the door, does it feel", "like you've been slapped\nin the face by Christmas?", "Sure does.", "Look, I gotta go.", "Come on, man, describe it!", "Tell me about the decorations.", "Is Rudolph there?", "He is, isn't he?", "Hi, Rudolph!", "Ah, yeah, but, you know...", "Decorations, is that really\nwhat Christmas is about?", "Hell, yeah!\nWhat else would it be about?", "Uh, try the birth of Christ.", "You know, Christmas--\nChrist Mas,", "which means \"More Christ\"\nto our Spanish friends.", "Yeah, well, all I know\nis walking in that door", "and seeing the winter wonderland\nand seeing Lily", "and all you guys, just...", "I can't wait.", "Right. I gotta go.", "Right. Okay. Oh, wait.", "Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted.\nOne more thing.", "How about the cookies?\nAre they delicious?", "(shrieking)", "You know, honestly, they taste\na little store-bought.", "Oh! I got another call.", "Well, tell Lily I love her.", "Right.", "Hello?", "Ted Evelyn Mosby!", "Oh. Uh, hey, Mom.", "Merry Christmas.", "I just got the most\ndisturbing call from Lily.", "How could you use\nsuch a horrible word?", "Oh, God, she called you?", "Are you acting out\nbecause of the divorce?", "Is-is this all about Clint?", "No, Mom, why\nwould it be about Clint?", "Hey, buddy, it's Clint.", "How you doing, champ?", "Hey, Clint. Listen, um,", "Hey, hey, no,\nI don't really have time to...", "no, no. Ted,Ted.", "You don't know this yet,", "but you and I are going\nto be great friends.", "Now,", "the Native Americans\nhave this ritual...", "(coughing)", "(sighs)", "This is a low moment\nfor the Barnacle.", "I should be off playing\nlaser tag right now,", "but instead...", "Don't look at me. I'm hideous.", "You just look like\na regular guy.", "Exactly.", "I'm a Ted.", "I'm wearing\nelastic-waist fleece pants.", "And isn't it more comfy?", "Yes.", "Come on, you need eat something.", "Too weak...", "to hold... bowl.", "Fine, I'll feed you.", "Mmm.", "Ouchie in my mouth!", "I don't want it.\nI want ice cream.", "No, you're not having ice cream", "for dinner\njust 'cause you're sick.", "But my throat hurts.\nNo.", "I hate you!", "Oh.\nDon't leave me.", "(knock at door)", "Who is it?", "Pizza delivery.", "Whoa.", "Hey, you tricked me.", "You really thought\nI was the pizza delivery guy?", "No, I knew it was you.", "I just thought you'd\nat least bring a pizza.", "Yeah, well,\nI brought a beer,", "but I gave it\nto a homeless guy.", "All right, he took it from me.", "Now, will you please come home?", "No, I'm not spending\nChristmas with you.", "Okay, I'm sorry for calling you\na... that word,", "over the summer,", "and for saying it again today.", "And for thinking it a lot\non the subway ride over.", "I had no right\nto say that.", "It was hurtful", "and immature and I'm sorry.", "Oh, shut up.", "You think I don't know", "your fake apologies\nby now, Ted Mosby?", "Huh?", "You're clearly still mad at me.", "I'm not mad at you.\nYes, you are.", "I am not mad at you, Lily.\nNow, can we please just...", "I've apologized to Marshall\nand he's forgiven me", "and we've moved passed it.\nWhy can't you?", "Because you never\napologized to me.", "Marshall's not the only one\nyou walked out on.", "You leave for three months,\nyou don't even call.", "Come on, Lily, we're supposed\nto be friends!", "Yeah, some friend,\nyou called me a Grinch.", "You were a Grinch!", "How can you...\nGrinchy,", "grinch, grinch, grinch\ngrinch, grinch, grinch.", "Happy?", "Now, you've pissed off\nthe big guy upstairs.", "Yeah, I'm sure God cares if I...", "BIG GUY UPSTAIRS:\nYou use that language again\nand I'll turn off your water!", "That's my super.\nHe lives above me.", "Great.", "Thanks to your filthy mouth,", "now I'm going to have Christmas\nalone in the dark.", "Fine. I don't want\nto ruin Christmas.", "You can have the apartment.", "Don't worry\nabout seeing me there", "I'll be in Staten Island\nwith my cousin Stacy.", "Just....", "Ow.", "Merry Christmas.", "You're spending Christmas Eve\nwith your family?", "Baby, that sucks. I'm so sorry.", "Uh, they're fine. They're\njust... they're a little weird.", "You know they don't believe\nin gifts or Christmas trees.", "And they think Santa's\nhow Satan spells his name", "when he wants to trick us.", "Well, do you want me to go\nwith you?", "Was that a sincere offer?", "First tell me your answer.", "Stay there. Save yourself.", "We'll spend all day\ntogether tomorrow.", "Okay.", "Oh, how's Barney feeling?", "You mean the whiney bottomless\npit of neediness?", "He was bugging me, so I spiked\nhis echinacea tea with codeine.", "You're gonna be a great mom.", "Mm-hmm.", "Holy crap, the magical\nChristmas season is upon us.", "And thank God we don't pay\nfor utilities.", "Merry Christmas!\nWhat's in the box?", "Only the best Christmas present\nfor the best girl ever.", "It took me all day\nto track it down.", "I thought you were\nwriting a paper.", "Ah, naw, I blew that off.", "I'll get an extension.\nSchool's not important.", "What is that pitter\npatter on the roof?", "Could it be the sound of\nan awesome Christmas story", "about to come down\nthe chimney?", "Why, yes, it is.", "'Twas the day before\nChristmas...", "It was supposed to arrive,\nlike, five days ago,", "but then it got lost\nand rerouted.", "I checked two other branches,", "finally they told me\nit was here.", "Yeah, all I needed to know was\nthe tracking number.", "Looks like it's headed out", "to our regional branch\nin Poughkeepsie.", "What?", "No, no, no, no,\nI need that package today.", "Listen, the truck already\nleft five minutes ago,", "so unless you want to run\nafter it...", "Stop!", "Stop!", "Stop, please, stop.", "Stop the truck.", "(panting):\nI need a package on your truck.", "Can I please take a look\nin back?", "Sure. But I gotta keep\ndriving my route.", "I'm running behind.", "(screeching)", "Whoa.", "WPD DRIVER:\nMy bad.", "I'm okay.", "Hey, man,", "thanks for helping me make\nmy fianc\u00e9e's Christmas.", "No problem.", "Too bad I can't deliver\nall these packages", "by the end of the day.", "Wait, so some people aren't\ngoing to get their gifts", "in time for Christmas?", "Sadly, no.", "* They call me back door Santa *", "* I make my runs\nabout the break of day *", "* They call me back door Santa *", "* I make my runs\nabout the break of day *", "* Oh, ho, ho *", "* I make all the little\ngirls happy... *", "We delivered every single\npackage on that truck.", "Oh.", "But I still have one package\nleft to give.", "Mmm.", "Yeah, I did.", "(giggles)", "Merry Christmas.", "Open it, Baby.\nOkay.", "Ah.", "Oh, my God.", "An Easy Bake Oven!", "I've wanted one of these ever\nsince I was a little girl.", "In this exact model.", "I never told you that.\nHow did you know?", "It's our first Christmas\nsince we got back together.", "I want to get her something\nreally special.", "So I'm getting her\na jukebox.", "Wow, that's a great gift.", "Not really. It's this big\nand it dispenses gum.", "Oh, man, I know something\nyou could get her", "that would blow her mind out.", "Ready?", "Eight years ago...", "(reggae playing)", "When I was a kid, all I wanted\nwas an Easy Bake Oven.", "I begged and I begged,\nbut all I got", "was a stupid Lego set", "because my feminist mom didn't\nwant me conforming", "to traditional gender roles.", "Easy Bake Oven-- that's what\nI'm going to call my van.", "Dude...", "how was the concert?", "I couldn't find the outside.", "(laughing)", "I can't believe Ted remembered\nafter all these years.", "Yeah, and after all that weed.", "Where is he anyway?", "Staten Island.", "Why?", "Okay, don't tell your mom, but\nI got you guys some presents.", "Like the the gift\nof God's love?", "No, dude, real presents.", "Uncle Ted got us presents!", "That's okay, Ted, we'll\njust give them to charity.", "Yay!", "Uh, not you, Charity.", "I meant the less fortunate.", "Ted, how would you like\nto say grace tonight?", "Uh, you know what,\nwhy don't you say it.", "I really wouldn't know\nwhat to say.", "Why don't you recite your\nfavorite passage of scripture.", "That's a great idea, Charity.", "But, really,\nI don't know.", "I mean how do you choose\nyour favorite passage?", "It's the Bible;", "there's so many...\ngreat ones...", "That one from Pulp\nFiction's pretty cool.", "(doorbell ringing)\nOoh, I'll get it.\nCharity, I'm tapping you in.", "Dear, Father, thank you\nfor this day,", "and thank you for bringing\nthis family together.", "Amen.", "Who is it, Ted?", "Uh, it's...\nit's just, um, carolers.", "* Silent night *", "ALL:\n* Holy night... *", "I came here to apologize.", "I'm so sorry, Ted.", "I accept. Give me the beer.", "Mm, oh, it is so good\nto see you guys.", "Are you coming home?", "Totally.", "But first, Lily, I owe\nyou an apology.", "Oh, for the love of God, are you\nas sick of apologies as I am?\nYes!", "Can we just skip the apology and\ngo straight to the forgiving?\nYes.", "And I promise, I will\nnever ever call you\na... you know, again.", "That's okay.", "I was kind of a Grinch.", "What's a Grinch?", "Nothing. It's something\nyou shouldn't say.", "Mom, what's a Grinch?", "Grinch, Grinch, Grinch...", "(kids chanting):\nGrinch, Grinch, Grinch...", "...Grinch, Grinch, Grinch...", "...Grinch, Grinch, Grinch...", "...Grinch, Grinch...\nMerry Christmas, everybody.", "Merry Christmas, Marshall.", "Craving big poker? Feast your eyes on Venom.\n$5 million GTD. AmericasCardroom.com"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E12 First Time in New York": ["Kids, you remember\nmy first day with Robin.", "I think I'm in love with you.\n- What?!", "Well, here's the thing, normal people,\nyou know, people who aren't your dad,", "usually take longer to say \"I love you.\"", "Robin went through the usual stages.", "Spider! Spider!\n- I left something in the hallway.", "Where?\n- Right there.", "Got it.", "First there's the moment\nwhen you think you think it.", "Whoa, still alive.", "There's the moment\nyou think you know it.", "Oh, you don't want to kiss me,\nyou'll get sick.", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "Totally worth it.", "There's the moment where you know\nyou know it,  but you can't yet say it.", "All right, it's getting to be that time.\nI'll talk to you tomorrow?", "Good night.", "Good night.", "Wait, Ted?", "Yeah?", "Good night.", "Well, great, I'll see you then.", "Bye, sweetie.", "Hey. Guess what?", "My sister Katie is coming\nto visit next weekend.", "She gets in on Thursday.", "That's awesome.\nYou know what I'm going to do?", "I'm going to take off work Friday.", "We're gonna take her\nto the Empire State Building.", "Really? You'd do that?", "Of course. Everyone should see\nthe Empire State Building.", "And then there's the moment\nwhere you know you know it,", "and you can't keep it in any longer.", "Ted.\n- Yeah?", "Falafel.", "Falafel?\n- Falafel.", "Instead of telling Ted you love him,\nyou said \"falafel\"?", "I totally choked.\n- I just don't get it.", "Why can't you tell Ted you love him?", "Oh, come on, this is a big deal for me.", "Oh, God, you'd think you never\nsaid it to a guy before.", "No.", "Okay, well, I don't usually get\nthis far in the relationship.", "I usually take the three-week exit.", "Don't tell me you're actually buying\ninto Barney's freeway theory.", "Watch your steps when you get up, kids,\n'cause I am about to drop some knowledge.", "Relationships are like a freeway.", "Wait a minute, a month ago you told me\nrelationships are like a traveling circus.", "No, this is new.\nThis trumps that.", "Freeways have exits.\nSo do relationships.", "The first exit, my personal favorite,\nis six hours in.", "You meet, you talk, you have sex,\nyou exit when she's in the shower.", "So every girl you have sex with feels\nthe immediate need to shower?", "Actually, yeah, I get that.", "The next exits are four days,\nthree weeks, seven months--", "that's when you guys are gonna\nbreak up, mark your calendars.", "What?", "Then a year and a half, 18 years,\nand the last exit-- death.", "Which, if you've been with the same woman\nfor your entire life,", "it's like, \"Are we there yet?\"", "So I've never been on the freeway\nthis long before.", "I mean, usually by now I find out\nthe guy has some weird personality thing", "that makes me want\nto take the next exit.", "Yeah, been there.", "I once dated a guy who could only go to\nthe bathroom when classical music was playing.", "Okay, it was Marshall.", "It's just things are going so well with\nTed I just don't want to complicate it.", "Relax, it'll happen when it happens.", "Which is also the advice I gave Marshall\nto get him over the classical music thing.", "Oh, here comes Katie.", "Aw, your sister's so cute.\n- Yeah.", "This reminds me of when I used to see\nher coming up the driveway from school,", "with her little pigtails\nand her Hello Kitty backpack.", "Hello, Kitty.\n- Oh, no.", "No. No. No.", "Hey, Robin. How are you?\n- Oh, good. Good.", "So, who is this... tongue person?", "Robin, this is my boyfriend Kyle.", "Looks like hotness runs in the family.", "Oh, you said that.\nGreat.", "So  how long have you two been...?", "Two whole months.\n- Yeah.", "He's actually coming to visit\nfamily in New York, too.", "Isn't that great?", "My cousin. He's 23, kind of a wad,\nbut he buys me beer, so...", "That's cool.\nThis is my friend Lily.", "Hot.", "You say things!", "Well, come on, let's get you back\nto my place, we'll get you settled.", "Um, actually, I'm going\nto stay with Kyle tonight.", "Uh, no, you're not.\n- Oh, come on.", "It's kind of a special night.", "If you know what I mean.", "What?", "Oh. Oh...", "I can't believe my baby sister is planning\nto lose her virginity to a...", "...douche with a faux hawk.", "This can't happen.", "You guys have to help me\ntalk her out of it.", "Speech to talk a girl out of having sex.", "Yeah, I don't have any of those.", "Discouraging premarital sex\nis against my religion.", "Please? I'm her older sister.", "I'm supposed to teach her how to make\ngood and responsible decisions.", "It's 2:00 and you've already\nhad three scotch and sodas.", "That's why I need your help.", "Robin convinced Katie to stay with her\nthat first night.", "And the next day, I took everybody\nto the Empire State Building.", "You guys are lucky\nyou came here with an architect.", "Empire State Building fun\nfact number one:", "When construction began\non March 17, 1930,", "the framework rose at a rate\nof four and a half stories per week.", "Four and a half stories per week.", "Four and a half stories per week.", "There  it is.\nThere it is. Come on.", "These are fun facts, guys,\nlet's have fun with them.", "You know, Katie, I have wanted to come\nto the Empire State Building for so long,", "but I waited to come here\nwith someone special.", "Oh, here we go.", "Marshall and I have never been to\nthe Empire State Building either.", "But I'm so glad I waited to do something\nso important with my fianc\u00e9.", "Speaking of waiting, I signed\nan abstinence pledge in high school.", "It's totally cool to wait.", "And stay away from drugs...\nother than pot.", "You told them?\n- Oh, okay, yes, I told them.", "But only because I think you should\nhear it from other grownups, too.", "Everyone thinks you should wait.\nRight, guys?", "Totally. You should wait.\n- Sex is fun.", "See?", "You are such a hypocrite.\nYou were only 16 when you lost yours.", "Well,  how do you know that?", "You left your diary in your old room\nslash my new room.", "I'll pay you $10,000 for that diary.", "Look, I've been dating Kyle\nfor two months now.", "It's like forever.", "I mean, we've already done\neverything else.", "I mean, we've even...\n- Oh. La, la, la, la, la.", "La, la, la, la, la, la, la,\nla, la, la, la, la.", "Even Kyle gets to do that.", "You have no right to tell me\nnot to do it.", "But Kyle?\nWhy can't you just wait?", "Because if you wait,\nyou can get a nice guy like Ted.", "Robin, this is happening.", "Look, I already put it up\non my Myspace page.", "I need a clove.\n- You smoke now, too?", "Oh, remember cloves?\n- No!", "No \"Aw, remember cloves?\"\nThis can't happen.", "She's my baby sister, okay?", "She should be watching The Little Mermaid\nand drinking Yoohoo, and not having sex.", "Come on, you were only 16\nwhen you had sex.", "I was 17.\n- We were 18.", "Barney was probably 12.", "Good one, Ted.", "I was, uh, six... fourt...", "How old were you again?", "17.\n- Dude, me, too.", "Barney, you okay?\n- Yeah, of course.", "What, you don't believe me?", "It was at camp, so I'm...\n- What camp?", "This place in the Catskills.\nLook it up.", "I was there teaching for the summer.", "What did you teach?", "Uh, dance.", "Dance?", "Yeah, Ted, dance.\nMaybe you've heard of it.", "It was just a simple summer job,\nbut it turned into so much more.", "Her name was Frances Houseman,\nbut everyone called her Baby.", "# Sylvia #", "# Yes, Mickey? #", "# How you call your loverboy? #", "# Come here, loverboy #", "# And if he doesn't answer #", "# Oh, loverboy #", "# And if he still doesn't answer? #", "# I simply say, baby... #", "# Oh, baby #", "# My sweet baby #", "That's Dirty Dancing.", "It was on last night.\n- No, it was two nights ago.", "\"She's Like the Wind\" has been stuck\nin my brain for about 40 hours.", "I just got it out.\nNow it's back in.", "Damn you, Swayze!", "Do you remember our first time?\n- Yeah.", "It was back in college.", "Oh, wait, wait.", "Look... I really want to do this, but...", "we should make it special, you know?", "Do this right.", "Okay.", "You're right.", "Maybe we could go to the beach\nand get a house for the weekend.", "Yeah, New Year's Eve.", "Okay.", "Oh, and we'll light candles and\nmaybe put on some classical music.", "That's not a good idea.", "Why not?", "Long story.", "But maybe we could put on some Al Green\nand take a bubble bath together.", "Oh, yeah, that sounds so good.", "Oh, I love you, Marshall.", "I'm so glad we're waiting.", "Oops.", "Oh, that's adorable.\n- Yeah, tell her what happened next.", "That was amazing.\n- Yeah.", "Want to do it again?", "Please don't.", "We said we were sorry.\n- Yeah, well, then why'd you do it again?", "You know what, I loaned you my Walkman.", "The point is no matter what, it's never\ngonna be as perfect as you want it to be.", "Well, mine was terrible.", "Wait, I've never heard your story.", "Well, as you know, I was 16.", "And it was with my boyfriend Brian.", "Ready?\n- Yeah.", "This feels so right.\n- Oh, I know.", "Oh, Robin.\n- Oh, Brian.", "Yeah, I'm gay.", "I'm so sorry.\n- Eh, I should've known.", "There were signs.", "Oh, my God!", "My mom's home.\nQuick!", "Get under my bed.\n- What?!", "Oh, my God!", "You only get one shot\nat losing your virginity.", "And even though I just barely had sex,\nit counts.", "What do you mean just barely?", "Well, he didn't dive all\nthe way into the pool, but he...", "splashed around in the shallow end.", "Then you didn't lose\nyour virginity to him.", "Just barely doesn't count.\n- Yes, it does.", "No, it doesn't.\n- Yes, it does.", "No, it doesn't. It doesn't count.\nEnd of story.", "Ooh, why, Lily Aldrin,\nyou saucy little harlot.", "Could it be that before Marshall took\na swim, someone else tested the water?", "No. Nobody else tested the water, right?", "Scooter?", "Who's Scooter?", "My high school boyfriend,\nwho I did not have sex with.", "I... I can't believe this.", "We're Marshall and Lily--\nwhen people see us, they say,", "\"Oh, look at them, they've only\nhad sex with each other.\"", "No, Marshall, they say,\n\"Oh, look at them,", "they've only had sex with each other.\"", "But now that's not true anymore--", "now you've had sex with twice\nas many people as I have.", "I knew that you were too good at it.", "Know what? I don't want to see\nthe stupid Empire State Building anymore.", "It's not stupid.\n- I'm going to see Kyle.", "Katie, please.\nYou only get to lose your virginity once.", "You should only be having sex\nwith someone who's special.", "Oh, please-- you've had sex with,\nlike, a hundred guys.", "It's not a hundred guys.\nIt's not a hundred guys.", "I'm sure you were madly\nin love with all of them.", "I had different levels of feeling\nfor each of the...", "very reasonable number of guys.", "Really.", "Well, do you love Ted?", "Do you love Ted ?", "I, um...", "Okay, Empire State Building\nfun fact number 22:", "The Empire State Building has tons of places\nwhere people can have private conversations.", "You're off the hook, okay?\n- Just let me explain.", "You don't have to explain anything.\nYou don't have to say it-- it's fine.", "Okay, but if relationships are\nlike a freeway, then saying...", "\"hm hm hm\" is like...\ngetting into the carpool lane.", "And I don't want to take an exit, but...", "at the same time, I'm not ready\nto get into the carpool lane.", "Because what's in the carpool lane?", "Oh, it's a big diamond,\nand I'm just not ready to get...", "Okay, Robin, Robin, stop.", "It's no big deal--\nyou don't have to say it.", "It's just, it's a big thing to say to\nsomeone, and I don't want to say it too soon.", "What, you mean like I did?", "No. I didn't...", "Yeah, like you did.", "I mean, you have to admit it,\nTed, it was a little weird.", " Weird... or courageous?\n- Pretty sure weird.", "I mean, who gives it up\non the first date?", "Well, come on, it shows I'm brave\nand bold, like a knight.", "No, it shows that\nyou're an I-love-you slut.", "Well, then you're an I-love-you prude.", "You know what?\nI take mine back.", "You... What?\n- I take my \"I love you\" back.", "You can't take it back.\n- Nah. Just did. Got it right here.", "But, you know, I'm such a slut,\nI'm just gonna give it away.", "Hey, you, sir. I love you.", "Thank  you, man.", "I was going up there to jump.", "Marshall, why is this such a big deal?", "Why is this such a big deal?", "Oh, uh, sorry, Christopher Columbus,\nguess who actually discovered the New World.", "Some dude named Scooter.", "Oh, uh, Neil Armstrong,\nit actually goes like this:", "\"One small step for man,\none giant leap for Scooter.\"", "Whoa, hey, Adam, guess who got with Eve", "before you did...\n- Okay, Marshall, I get it.", "It's a big deal because\nit rewrites our history.", "No, it doesn't.", "Look, have you been to\nthe Empire State Building?", "No. You've only been in the lobby.", "People don't buy tickets\nto get in the lobby.", "They buy tickets to get to the top.", "Scooter only got in the lobby,\nand the lobby doesn't count.", "Really.", "Excuse me, sir, uh, can you tell me\nhow to get to the Empire State Building?", "Um, we're in it right now.", "Thank you, sir.\nYou're a very wise and brilliant man.", "You're right.", "Why would I throw that all away?", "I'm having the best day!", "Katie, I'll admit,\nmaybe I'm not in any place", "to lecture you on romantic\nrelationships, but...", "but I just don't want you to make\nthe same mistakes that I've made.", "Oh, believe me, Kyle is not gay.\n- That's not what I meant.", "I just wish you weren't\nin such a rush to grow up.", "Please don't do this.", "But, kids, later that night,\nKatie did it,", "and she got pregnant...\nwith quintuplets...", "and she lived out her days\nin a trailer park...", "where she died an alcoholic.", "So the moral here, kids,\ndon't have sex until you're married.", "Maybe even, like,\na year or two into marriage.", "Dad!\n- Come on, what really happened?", "All right, here's what really happened.", " Hey.\n- Hey.", "She didn't do it.", "Hey, that's great!\nYou got through to her.", "No, I didn't. You did.", "She told me that you talked to her.", "Hey, Katie.", "Hey.", "Got another Empire State\nBuilding fun fact for me?", "No. I wouldn't bore you\nwith the seven million man-hours", "it took to build this 102-story\ntestament to human will.", "So, you okay?", "I don't know what everyone\nis freaking out about.", "Kyle, he's a really nice guy.", "He could've cheated on me with my lab\npartner Gretchen Gwynn, but he didn't.", "'Cause he said he knew I'd find out.", "That's very gallant.", "Well, I don't know what your sister's\nfreaking out about, either.", "I was your age my first time.\n- Oh, really?", "Yeah, yeah. It was, uh,\nit was with this girl, Molly.", "I love you, Ted.", "Oh, I love you, too, Molly.", "But I didn't.", "That was amazing.", "Look, I got to go.", "Where are you going?", "My cousin got some firecrackers\nfrom Mexico.", "We're going out to the woods to light 'em--\nit's gonna be awesome.", "Well, will you call me?", "Yeah. Yeah, I'll totally call you.", "But I didn't.", "Molly?", "Yeah?", "Can I borrow 20 bucks?\nI'll totally pay you back.", "But I didn't.", "And I never saw her again.", "I told her I loved her, but...\nI just wanted to have sex.", "I-I would've said anything\nto make that happen, and...", "that's exactly what I did.", "Look, I'm not telling you what to do.", "I'm just telling you what\nall 17-year-old boys are like.", "Even the nice ones.", "So I told Kyle I wanted to wait...\nand he dumped me.", "Oh, oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.", "Aw, honey.", "I promise everything is gonna be okay.", "You want to watch The Little Mermaid\nand drink some YooHoo?", "Only if you put a buttload\nof Kahlua in it.", "Don't tell Mom.", "Thanks for doing that.", "You're welcome.\nI knew it meant a lot to you.", "But, man, your story, I mean,\nit doesn't even sound like you.", "Yeah, well...", "I love you, Molly.", "Oh, I love you, too, Ted.", "Wow. That was amazing.", "Look, I got to go.", "Wh-Where are you going?", "Uh, my cousin got\nsome firecrackers from Mexico.", "We're going into the woods\nto light them.", "It's gonna be awesome.", "Will you call me?", "Yeah. I'll totally call you.", "Oh, Ted?\n- Yeah?", "Can I borrow 20 bucks?\nI'll totally pay you back.", "But she didn't.\n- Oh, come here.", "I love you.", "I said it.", "Feels right.", "I love you.\n- I'm gay.", "I'm kidding.", "I love you, too.", "Hey... you lost\nyour I-love-you-ginity.", "Yeah.", "I guess I was just waiting\nfor the right guy.", "Katie ended up having\na great first time in New York.", "And the last thing we did before she left\nwas go to the Empire State Building.", "I am so glad we're finally doing this.", "What are you talking about?\nWe were here yesterday.", "Yeah, but that didn't really count.", "Oh, crap.\n- Exactly!", "So yesterday doesn't count as having\ngone to the Empire State Building.", "So I lost it to you, Marshall.", "And I rode that elevator to the top,", "and I saw that view,\nand I basked in the awesomeness.", "And that's our story.", "Yeah. Yeah, that's our story.", "We've only had sex with each other.", "We've only had sex with each other.", "They've only had sex with each other.", "Ooh, okay, in, in we go, in we go.", "Okay, Empire State Building\nfun fact number 81:", "There are 1,860 steps from this...\nWhoa, whoa! Come on!", "So, now you guys can finally say you've\nbeen to the Empire State Building.", "How have you lived here so long\nand never been to the top?", "Well, we're usually busy... drinking.", "Speaking of first times,\nwe never got to hear", "your virginity story.\n- That's right, I almost forgot.", "Okay. I was 16,\nand it was in a baseball dugout...", "Fast Times at Ridgemont High.", "I mean, I was in a subway\nwith a high-priced call girl...", "Risky Business.", "I was accidentally hacking\ninto NORAD'S computer...", "That's War Games, and there's not even\na sex scene in it.", "All right!", "I was 23, and it was with my mom's\n45-year-old divorced friend, Rhonda.", "She called me \"Barry\" the whole time,\nand for two weeks,", "my comforter smelled like menthol\ncigarettes. You happy?", "Hey...", "Why don't you tell us again about your\nfirst time at the camp in the Catskills.", "Baby and her family spent\nevery summer at Kellerman's.", "Her dad did not approve of our love.", "Did anyone put Baby in a corner?\n- Oh, God, no.", "What can I say, I...", "had... the time of my life.", "True story.", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team\nwww.forom.com", "Support us and become VIP member\nto remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E13 Columns": ["Some kids dream of\nbeing astronauts.", "Some kids dream of\nplaying baseball.", "When I was a kid,\nI had only one dream.", "To build a skyscraper.", "That's stupid.", "There were some\nobstacles along the way.", "But eventually my\ndream came true.", "I became an architect.", "Morning, everyone!", "So, I had an idea\nfor the atrium.", "Ready?", "Columns.", "That's stupid.", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "I... I can't believe you\nknocked over my model.", "Well, it's just...\nit's not exactly new, is it-- columns?", "I mean, what's your next\ngroundbreaking idea-- ceilings?", "Floors?", "Windows?", "I know what you're thinking:\nWho's this jerk?", "Well, this jerk was\nHammond Druthers,", "a legend in the\narchitecture community.", "Very big in the '80s.", "He was also far and away\nthe worst boss I ever had.", "Then I designed the Spokane\nNational Bank Building.", "And suddenly... I was his boss.", "And he didn't like it.\n- Stairs?", "And to be honest,\nI wasn't sure I liked it either.", "See, before,\nwhen I was just another employee,", "I was happy, carefree.", "The guy who hung out in the break\nroom making fun of the boss.", "Did you see what he\nwas wearing today?", "It was like his pants were\nbeing held up by his nipples.", "Yeah, and that shirt with the flowers,\nI get hay fever just looking at it.", "But suddenly I was\na different guy.", "Hey, guys.", "What's so funny?", "Nothing.", "Um... nice shirt.", "Thanks.", "The hours were insane.", "I was always working even\nwhen I wasn't at work.", "Oh, Robin...\nI just had a great idea.", "Oh, do whatever you want to\nme just don't wake me up.", "Before, I used to be this guy.", "Dude, of course you should take the\nday off for the Foo Fighters concert.", "Just say you're sick.", "But now...", "I was this guy.", "Sick, huh?", "Unbutton your shirt.", "Hmm... \"Foo Fighters.\"", "Get back to work.", "But still,\nthe worst part was Druthers.", "Well, I was thinking...\n- Ceilings? Oops.", "Said that already. Then again,\nyou seem to like rehashing old ideas.", "I'm kidding, of course.", "Another hole in one, boss.", "Oh, wow,\nhe must be really good-looking.", "Why would you say that?", "Well, 'cause only good-looking people\ncan get away with saying things like that.", "I have found that to be true.", "It's a blessing\nand a curse really.", "Ted, you can't let him\ntreat you like that.", "Yeah, you gotta ask yourself,\nwho's the boss?", "Tony.\n- Angela.   - Mona.", "Mona?", "Watch it more closely.\nRock your world.", "So, what are you gonna do?", "Well... it's awkward, I mean,\nthe guy used to be my boss.", "So, I went to talk to\nthe managing partner.", "Fire him.", "Well, sir, I was thinking he could\njust be put on a different project.", "Fire him!", "He's an arrogant,\nwashed-up, pain in the ass.", "In fact,\nfire everyone on that project.", "Druthers, Mosby,\nthe whole lot of them.", "Mosby,  sir? I, I... I hear\nMosby's doing some great work.", "Fine, Mosby can stay.\nBut tell him he's on thin ice.", "Come here.", "I like you, Crosby.", "You mind if I charge my phone?", "Knock yourself out.", "Well, Ted, if you do fire Druthers,\nthe key is timing.", "Remember when I had to\nfire my makeup artist?", "Vicki, um...\nI'm so sorry about this,", "but there's been some\nbudget cuts and, um,", "we have to let you go.", "I mean, after tonight.", "I still need my makeup\nfor the broadcast.", "So...", "Our thoughts and prayers go out\nto the families of the victims.", "You know what? I'm gonna do it.", "I'm gonna fire\nDruthers tomorrow.", "Oh, my God!\n- What?", "Do you know about this?\n- No.", "What is that?", "Only the greatest thing ever.", "Wait, wait, wait--\nthat's not enough buildup.", "If they were to cure\ncancer tomorrow,", "this would still be the greatest\nthing to happen all week.", "Okay. Now you're ready\nfor naked Marshall.", "Oh, my God.", "This is awesome times awesome.", "It's awesome squared.", "I know, right?\nBehind the piano this whole time.", "Wait. If Marshall went to\nall this trouble to hide it,", "he clearly doesn't\nwant us to find it.", "Oh, come on, Robin.", "No, I'm saying that he must be\nreally embarrassed by this.", "We are gonna have so much fun.", "I know!\nWe're gonna have so much fun!", "Oh, sorry I'm late;\nlunch ran a little long.", "You wanted to see me, Mosby?", "Uh, yeah, like four hours ago.", "Well, excuse me,\nfor spending the last four hours", "drawing designs\nfor your building.", "This is a cocktail napkin.", "Covered in profanity.", "Look, Hammond, um,", "there's no easy way\nto say this, so...", "why don't we just, um,\nstep into your office.", "# Happy birthday to you #", "# Happy birthday to you #\n- Oh, you had me. You so had me.", "# Happy birthday, dear Hammond #", "#  Happy birthday to you #", "So, you didn't fire him?", "I can't fire a guy on his birthday.\nEveryone would hate me.", "Besides, they put a party hat on me.\nMy authority was compromised.", "Oh,  hey, Marshall. Have a seat.", "I know how much\nyou love stools.", "Thanks. Yeah,\nstools are better for your posture.", "And, uh... I... got you a rose.", "Thank you. That's so sweet.", "You guys are being... so sweet.", "Hey, guys. Guess what I got.\nA new dart.", "Oh, wow, a new dart.", "Hey, that new dart is great.", "I did not know you were such\na fan of new dart, Barney.", "Oh, yes, Robin,\nI just love new dart.", "Nude art.", "Nude art.\n- Nude art.", "Okay, all right, so what,\nyou guys found the painting, huh?", "I knew this day would come.", "How did you know that?", "Because I didn't\nhide it very well.", "So the story on the painting is that,\nback in college,", "Lily wanted to do a nude\nstudy for her art class.", "Marshall wasn't\nso into the idea.", "Well, I just...\ndon't think that some dude", "should drop trou just\nto pose for you.", "It's for class, and it's just that\nweird kid Hunter from my freshman hall.", "The frisbee dude\nwith the soul patch?", "He's like the hottest\nguy in school!", "No, he's actually\na little husky...", "Oh, he's just huggable!", "And complicated...", "and a little bit of a jerk.", "Just enough so you think\nmaybe you can change him.", "Okay, just forget it.", "Call me old-fashioned,", "I just think that I'm the only\nguy you should see naked.", "Well, then you'll\nhave to do it.", "Are you kidding me?\nWhat if somebody sees it?", "We're not in high\nschool anymore.", "People don't make fun of you\nfor posing nude for a painting.", "We're adults now.", "We totally saw your butt.", "This painting has caused\ntoo much grief already.", "I'm destroying it right now.", "Oh, no,\nwhat's the matter, Marshall?", "Where is it?", "I'll tell you where it is if\nyou'll answer these riddles three.", "You hung it up in the bar,\ndidn't you?", "Yo, why you gotta\nruin my riddles?", "Field trip!", "Oh, no. Someone put your\npainting up behind the bar.", "Classic!", "What a memorable prank.", "Hey, Marshall.\nWhat'll you have?", "What'll I have?\nUm, I don't know, maybe a beer", "and that nude painting of\nme hanging behind the bar!", "Ooh, I'm sorry,\nthat painting's property of the bar.", "I know that Barney gave\nyou that painting.", "I don't know what\nyou're talking about.", "Whatever he's paying you,\nI'll pay you double.", "I doubt it.", "Whatever he's paying you,\nI'll give you that plus ten bucks.", "I doubt it.", "All right, you know what, Carl, you\njust lost yourself a regular customer.", "I doubt it.", "This painting is the worst thing\nthat's ever happened to me.", "Okay, where should we put it up next?\nIn his law school?", "Ooh on the side of a bus.\nOh, oh!", "How much do billboards cost?", "Easy, Scherbatsky. Finesse.", "I've got a five-year\nrollout plan.", "I'll have you know that painting's\ngot commitments all over the city.", "Then, after New York...", "One of my worst\nfears has come true--", "I just saw Marshall\ngrabbing himself naked.", "Well, I gotta go.", "Believe it or not,\nI have to go back to the office.", "Oh, I'll go out with you.", "Bye, guys.", "You know, I wish everyone didn't\nhave to make fun of that painting.", "Eh, we're not making fun of the painting,\nwe're just making fun of Marshall.", "The painting's\nactually really great.", "Are you serious?\n- Yeah.", "Well, thank you.", "You know, seeing it again\nmakes me miss painting nudes.", "What?", "Paint me.", "What?", "Paint me.", "Who's that?", "Who's out there?", "Hammond, is that you?", "Mosby?", "Druthers and I were\nalone in the office.", "If I was gonna fire him,", "this would be the best\nchance I'd ever have.", "Uh, look, just a second, Ted.", "Uh, no, I,\nI really need to talk to you.", "Look, there's no\neasy way to say...", "What, what are you doing?", "What are you doing?", "I'm standing here\nwearing pants.", "Are you sleeping here?\nWhat's going on?", "Okay, fine, yes.", "Not that it's any\nof your business", "but my wife had a little\nspat a few weeks ago,", "and I've been sleeping\nhere until she cools off.", "Okay, well, uh, you're right--\nthat is none of my business.", "Uh, look,\nthere's no easy way to say this-- I...", "Who am I kidding?", "She's never gonna take me back.", "It's okay.", "What did you want to say to me?", "Happy birthday, buddy.", "So, you've been\nliving at the office?", "Yes.", "I'm an architect\nwithout a home.", "You see the tragic\nirony in that?", "Yeah, I do.\n- 'Cause I design homes.", "I see it.\n- But I don't have a home.", "Not lost on me at all.", "But I don't understand--\nwhy don't you just go to a hotel?", "You could be sleeping on\na mattress instead of...", "what appears to be torn-up\ndrawings of my building.", "Why would I go to a hotel,\nwhen any second,", "she's going to call and\ntell me to come home.", "She's a very special lady, Ted.", "She's quite... mannish.", "She gives me what I need.", "Do you understand that?", "Uh, no, I don't.", "If you were lost\nin the wilderness,", "she can provide for me.", "Well, that's the dream.", "I'm glad you came\nhere tonight, Ted.", "Me too, Hammond.", "Call me Ham.\n- No, thanks.", "Hammy D?\n- No, I think just Hammond.", "So, I'm guessing\nyou didn't fire him.", "I was this close.", "Meanwhile, Lily had\nbeen up all night", "in the grips of a dilemma.", "Oh honey, you're awake?\n- I'm awake.", "Is everything okay?\n- Yeah.", "I've kind of been\nwrestling with something.", "What  if I told you I had a\nway to pay for our honeymoon?", "Baby, our honeymoon's\nalready paid for.", "We're going to Howe Caverns.", "Well yeah, but-- but what if we didn't\nwant to spend our honeymoon in a cave?", "It's not just a cave,\nit's a whole labyrinth of caves.", "It's an underground adventure.", "There's a cave that's so dark that\nyou don't even know you're in there.", "I mean, we're going to experience\na whole new kind of dark.", "Well, what if I found a way\nto make a little extra money", "so that we spend our\nhoneymoon not in Howe Caverns,", "but in Scotland?", "Loch Ness?\n- Yeah.", "And you know, Edinburgh and\nthe Highlands and Glasgow...", "Loch Ness. Nessy.", "Baby,  I would love to search for the\nenchanted creature of the Emerald Loch,", "but... we can't afford that.", "Maybe we can.", "Paint me.", "Okay, I don't get this.", "You've been making fun of\nthat painting all this time", "and now you want\nme to paint you?", "We knew we could torture\nMarshall because he has shame.", "I do not.", "In my body,\nwhere the shame gland should be,", "there's a second awesome gland.", "True story.", "Yeah, that's not the gland\nI'm worried about painting.", "Yeah.", "A nude Barney is a challenge.", "But I think you're talented\nenough to immortalize this.", "Now is the time-- I'm 31.", "I'm at the peak of\nmy physical beauty.", "If I were a woman,\nI'd have passed it long, long ago.", "Long ago.", "Forget it.", "I promised Marshall he was the\nonly guy I would ever see naked.", "I'll give you $5,000.", "We're going to Loch Ness!", "Yeah!", "That cabby would not shut up.", "Yeah,  we should\ncall him a gabby.", "I think it, you say it.", "Hey, uh... thanks for putting\nme up last night, buddy.", "Give 'em hell.", "Morning, team.", "So, I have given\nit some thought,", "and I say we revisit columns.", "Oh, God, not this again.", "Ted, a man in a toga just arrived\nand delivered a parchment.", "Let me read it:", "Oh! It's from ancient Greece.", "They want their basic\narchitectural elements back.", "Geez.\n- What?", "You didn't hear me?", "Toga, parchment...", "Can I see you for one second?", "Ooh, I'm in trouble now.", "What are you doing?", "I thought we were friends.", "You slept on my couch,\nyou ate my cereal.", "I tossed you more toilet paper.", "We are friends.", "But that doesn't magically\nmake your bad ideas good.", "What? I don't believe this!", "You're, you're,\nyou're wearing my clothes!", "And my\ngirlfriend's... sneakers--", "man, you have\nweirdly small feet.", "Ted, I hope that you're not going\nto let our professional woes", "interfere with our friendship,", "because I really kind\nof need you right now.", "Okay, let's get this over with.", "Hey, hey!\nI don't want you phoning this in.", "This painting could, someday,\nbecome a serious work of art.", "I mean, you have been\nblessed with an amazing gift.", "Thank you.", "I meant me.", "Now, I like how you captured\nMarshall's essence.", "Goofy and unburdened, with wit.", "But me,\nI want something more regal.", "Something my progeny\ncould look at and say,", "\"There's stands\nBarnabus Stinson.\"", "He was wise...", "and strong.", "I don't think your\nsword will fit.", "I get that a lot.", "And so, as Lily began painting,", "Marshall thought\nabout the $5,000", "and what his fianc\u00e9e\nwas doing to earn it.", "This isn't right.", "This isn't right at all.", "Finally, he could\ntake it no more.", "Hold still.", "Hold still.", "Hold still!\n- Paint faster!", "Okay, I guess it's time.", "Drop your shorts.", "Yeah.", "Wait, wait!", "That wasn't enough buildup.\nI need...", "In a world without justice,\none man--", "Oh, just drop them!\n- All right.", "No! No, this is not right!\n- We had a deal!", "Well, I'm going back on the deal.\nBarney, get out!", "You...!\n- It's over!", "Lily, I can't let you\ngo through with this!", "I found a castle we can stay in,\nbut it's an extra two grand.", "It's just not right!", "It's beautiful and\nthey say it's haunted.", "I can't let the woman I love\ncompromise her values for money!", "I totally think we can get\nsome more money out of him.", "I'm never letting my\nfianc\u00e9e, ever...!", "Oh, you're still here?", "Before you say anything,", "I'll give you an\nextra five grand.", "We accept.", "You people are so\neasy to control.", "Dance for me, puppets, dance.", "And that's how Uncle Barney paid\nfor Lily and Marshall's honeymoon.", "Come on, Ted, listen,\nwhy don't we get back", "and finish drawing the\nplans for a building", "which, in my opinion,\nis never going to get built,", "so you and I can get out of here\nand grab a couple of beers.", "No.", "Look, Hammond,\nthere's no easy way to say this but...", "Looking for Hammond Druthers.", "Oh, that's me.\nI'm Hammond Druthers.", "These are divorce papers.", "You've been served.", "Oh, God.", "She's really going\nthrough with this.", "So that's it. It's over.", "There is no easy way\nto say this, but...", "She's giving me the\nremains of Wolfie?", "My dog is dead?", "Oh, my God.\nI can't believe this.", "She always played\ntoo rough with him.", "Believe me,\nthere is no easy way to say this--", "# Happy birthday to you... #\n- You've got to be kidding me!", "Guys, you have no idea how much\nthis means to me right now.", "Wait, his birthday\nwas yesterday!", "Yeah, but a bunch of us were up\nat the conference in Montreal,", "so we thought...\n- No! No birthday! No!", "I got something to say\nand I'm gonna get it out.", "Hammond, listen to me.\nI am sorry that your dog died,", "and that your wife is\ndivorcing you and that...", "your life is falling apart and that\nthese guys missed your birthday.", "And there is no\neasy way to say...", "What are you doing?\nWhat's going on?", "Oh, God...", "Oh, come on, you're not going\nto pull that, are you?", "Oh! Look, yeah, right.\nNow we're falling onto the ground.", "Well, nice try, but guess what?", "You're fired!", "You're fired--\nyou get it? You hear me?", "You're gone! You're fired!", "In my defense,\nI think we all suspected Hammond", "might have been faking.", "On the plus side, the EMTs seem to\nthink he's going to be just fine", "and, as you saw, they did admit that\nI did not cause the heart attack,", "even if they said it\na bit begrudgingly.", "And there it was, rock bottom:", "They all hated me.", "But just when all seemed lost,", "I had the greatest idea\nof my entire career.", "Margarita Fridays--\ngreat idea, boss.", "Okay, it's done.", "I'm gonna step out,\nso you can admire it.", "Thank you very much, Lily.", "Marshall, do you\nhave the money?", "Yeah.\n- Let's get out of here!", "A smooth area?!\nYou gave me the Ken doll?!", "She left out Little Barney.", "Barnacle Junior.", "My Barnana is...", "Barnito Supreme.", "Support us and become VIP member\nto remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E14 Monday Night Football": ["Kids, I told you stories\nabout all the big holidays--", "Christmas...", "Halloween...", "Thanksgiving...", "but one holiday was\nalways my favorite--", "Super Bowl Sunday.", "And there was one\nSuper Bowl back in 2007", "that I will never forget.", "Marshall, you're\non beer detail.", "Lily, you're making\nthe bean dip.", "Uh, Robin,\nyou're on chips and pretzels,", "and Barney,\nI'm giving you nothing to do", "so you can just focus on\ncontrolling your gambling problem.", "\"Problem.\"", "Oh, poor Superman,\nhe should really do something", "about his flying problem.", "It's not a problem if\nyou're awesome at it.", "And I will be going to Quinn's to\npick up the world's greatest food,", "the Super Bowl\nHot Wings Platter.", "If I were a chicken,\nI'd go cannibal for those bad boys.", "Just eat my own damn wing off.\nI don't care.", "I'm crazy like that.", "Here's the info\nfor tomorrow night.", "What's tomorrow night?", "Oh, God, you didn't hear?", "Mark died.", "Oh, my God.\n- Oh, my gosh.", "The funeral's tomorrow at 6:00,\nand I know", "it would have meant a\nlot to Mark if you came.", "You guys were his\nfavorite customers.", "Stay strong.\n- We're so sorry.", "Who was Mark?", "No idea.\n- Not a clue.", "Well, I guess we\nshould go, right?", "Wait... tomorrow night at 6:00,\nthat's the Super Bowl.", "Okay, I feel terrible,\nbut the truth is we didn't know Mike.", "Mark.\n- Mark,", "and as long as we send flowers,", "I can't think of any\nreason we'd have to go.", "Get out of here!", "I never want to see your\nface in this bar again!", "This soulless bastard just told me\nhe can't come to Mark's funeral", "because he wants to\nwatch the Super Bowl.", "Could you believe that?", "You guys are coming, right?", "Yes... Wouldn't\nmiss for the world.", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "Okay, here's the plan :", "record the game,\ngo to the funeral,", "pay our respects to Matt...\n- Mark.", "Mark, and start watching\nonly an hour late.", "Okay, that's great,\nbut just to make sure it records,", "maybe we should bow our\nheads and say a quiet prayer", "to the TiVo gods.", "Almighty TiVo,", "we thank you for all the\ngifts you have given us:", "the power to freeze live\nTV to go take a leak", "is nothing short of Godlike.", "Let's not forget fast-forwarding\nthrough commercials.", "It seems greedy to ask\nanything more from you,", "O magic box,", "but if you malfunction\nand miss the Super Bowl,", "we will destroy you in the\nalley with baseball bats.", "Amen.\n- Amen.", "We are not fast-forwarding\nthrough the commercials.", "Yeah, they're the best part.", "Oh, come on.\nRemember last year?", "Who wants to watch a monkey in\na coconut bra order a pizza?", "Oh, my God.\nThis monkey was so cute.", "Seriously, that's the last\ntime I'm gonna call you today.", "Okay.", "Good-bye.", "You didn't hang up either!", "I know! You hang up!", "You hang up!", "My bookie. Great guy.", "So let me get this straight. A funeral\nis the one time you don't suit up?", "Have I taught you nothing, Ted?", "Virtually.", "Suits are full of joy.", "They're  the sartorial\nequivalent of a baby's smile.", "\"Sartorial\"?", "\"Of or pertaining to\ntailors or their trade.\"", "Suits are for the living.", "That's why when it's\nmy time to R.I.P.", "I'm going out of this world\nthe same way I came into it--", "buck naked. Yeah.", "It's gonna be awesome.", "Open bar for the guys,\nopen casket for the ladies.", "What up?!", "Such a waste.\n- I know.", "He was so young.", "A hand-stitched, cashmere,\ndouble-breasted Dolce & Gabbana.", "It must be so frightened.", "This is going faster\nthan I thought.", "We'll make an appearance\nat the bar for the wake,", "we'll be watching\nthe game by 8:00.", "And even though we\ndidn't see any whales,", "Mark and I both said it was\nthe best day of our lives.", "Okay, I'm getting\nus another round.", "And when I come back,", "everyone else is telling\ntheir favorite Mark story.", "Dibs on the one Carl just told.", "Okay, I have to be at work\nexactly one Super Bowl from now.", "Oh, let's face it,\nwe're not going to get to watch it.", "We should just find\nout the score.", "Oh, thank God! I'll find out.", "No, no, no, we can't!\nWe have to watch the game together.", "It's tradition.", "Think of all the great times\nwe've had watching this game.", "Second down, everyone drink.", "Ted, it's not a drinking game", "if you drink anytime\nanything happens.", "Are these chicken\nwings or angel wings?", "God,  I love these things.", "I love you guys.", "This is so great, all of us\nwatching the Super Bowl together.", "This is special.", "We need to do this every year--\npromise me!", "Calm down, buddy.", "Oh, commercials!", "Everyone drink!", "God, this is such a great tradition,\nall of us watching the game together.", "How did this start?", "Hey, Barney, I bet you 20 bucks\nthat Casey misses this field goal.", "I don't bet.\nBetting's for suckers.", "Make it like a dollar or something,\nyou know. Who cares? No big deal.", "Fine.", "See, there you go, he made it.\nYou win.", "Wait. This is mine,\njust like that?", "God,  that feels good.", "No, that feels really... good.", "What else can we bet on?", "Nothing, it's the\nhalftime show.", "Oh, so lame.", "Nobody even pays attention.", "I mean, Janet Jackson,\nwho cares?", "God, how cool is Robin?", "I can't believe you invited this girl\nwe've only known for a few months", "to our sacred day.", "Now she's gonna be\nin all the pictures.", "Yeah, yeah, whatever.\nI'll give you the Seahawks", "plus six points for 500 bucks.", "Are you crazy? Maybe for $50.", "$50?! What fun is $50?!", "Why don't we just bet air?!\nGod, Marshall!", "Okay, $50.", "Hey, I'll take that action.", "Seahawks, but make it four\npoints and make it a grand.", "Hey, these wings,\nare they chicken wings or angel wings?", "Oh, commercials!", "Monkey with a coconut\nbra. Hilarious.", "Look, we always watch\nthe Super Bowl together.", "So we make a pact to\nwatch it tomorrow at 6:00", "and go the next 18 hours\nwithout finding out who won.", "That's impossible.", "I'm not gonna lie to you.\nIt's not gonna be easy.", "That means no TV, no Internet,", "no newspapers, nothing.", "Media blackout.", "But our tradition lives on.", "Who's in?", "I'm in.\n- I'm in.", "I'm in.\n- What the hell, I'm in.", "High five!\n- Dude, we're at a wake.", "Sorry. Solemn low five.", "As the day began, none of us had\nany idea how hard it would be", "to go nine hours without hearing\nthe outcome of the Super Bowl.", "I decided to work from home\nto avoid contamination", "by the outside world.", "Hey, take this key\nand swallow it.", "What? No.", "Come on, Ted, you eat salads.\nIt'll be out by game time.", "Lots more, no.", "I'm not messing\naround, Theodore.", "I've got a lot of money\nriding on this game.", "If I don't handcuff\nmyself to this radiator,", "I'll check the score.\nPlease take the key.", "Fine.", "But only because you didn't\nthink through a bathroom plan", "and I think that's funny.", "The media blackout was\nparticularly hard on Robin", "because, well,\nshe was the media.", "But unfortunately,\nthe City won't be fixing", "the unusually large\npothole any time soon,", "so buckle up if\nyou're on the BQE.", "It's gonna be a bumpy one.", "Like morning commutes\nneeded to get any harder.", "You're right, Kevin.", "Well, Robin, what do you say?\nI think it's time to check in with Sid", "for a sports update.\n- No!", "What?\n- No.", "But it's, uh, time for Sports.", "No, it's not.\nIt's time for Weather.", "We, we just did Weather.", "Well, weather's pretty fickle,", "it may have changed.", "What's it doing out there, Lou?", "Pretty much the same thing\nit was two minutes ago.", "Back to you, Robin.", "Okay, now it's time for Sports.", "No! Let's go to Traffic Todd", "in the Metro News\n1 Gridlock Chopper.", "Robin, it's time for Sports!", "Over to you, Sid.", "Thank you, Kevin and Robin.", "Let's talk about\nthe Super Bowl.", "Weeks earlier,\nMarshall had promised Lily", "he'd come into her kindergarten\nclass for show-and-tell day.", "And he's a little\nbit double-jointed...", "And his favorite animal\nis the Loch Ness monster.", "Lily, how many times...?", "Nessie is a gentle creature.", "We're trying to stay away\nfrom terms like \"Monster.\"", "Well, I think we can all agree,\nhe is much more interesting", "than Sally's one-eyed goldfish.", "Three weeks in a row?\nCome on, Sally.", "Okay, well,\nthat's all the time we have.", "Arts and crafts, everybody.", "Hey. I'm Doug.", "Oh, hey, I'm Marshall.", "Are you going to be staying\nhere for the rest of day?", "Yeah, I'm actually\ntrying to hide out", "'cause I don't want to know\nwho won the Super Bowl.", "I know who won.", "Oh, um, that's great,\nbut I really don't want to know,", "so if you could just\nkeep that to yourself.", "How badly do you\nnot want to know?", "Excuse me?", "Ten bucks.", "Are you serious?", "Just went up to eight.", "Unlock me, Ted.", "I've never gone this long\nwithout calling my bookie.", "He worries.", "Not until game time.", "Where are you going?", "Pick up the hot wings.", "What? How the hell are\nyou planning on getting", "in and out of a sports bar\nwithout seeing the score?", "There's TVs everywhere.", "Ah, don't worry.", "I got it all planned out.", "First of all:", "I placed duct tape on\na pair of sunglasses", "so I can only see out\nof two tiny holes.", "Next, I constructed blinders\nout of an old cereal box.", "Top it all off:\nhigh-tech noise-reducing headphones", "I bought when Marshall and\nLily first got back together", "and were doing it a lot.", "I call it the Sensory\nDeprivator 5000.", "Hello! Uh,\nmy name is Ted Mosby.", "I'm here to pick\nup my hot wings.", "In my hand, you'll find the\nexact total for the wings", "plus a generous tip.", "Please take the cash.", "Put the wings in my hand\nand I'll be on my way.", "Thank you!", "And that closes the book on\none heck of a Super Bowl.", "Back to you, Kevin and Robin.", "We'll be right back.", "And we're clear.", "I'm sorry.", "Um, Robin, is it just me,", "or were you doing\nsomething different there?", "I haven't watched the game yet.", "I'm begging you,\nfor the rest of the newscast", "there can't be any references\nto who won the Super Bowl.", "I mean,\nchange the teleprompter.", "No team names,\nnothing specific.", "That is crazy. I can't do that.", "My friend Mark passed\naway this week.", "Okay, sweety okay.\nOkay, I'm so sorry.", "Back in five... four...", "three...\n- It's just so hard.", "Ha! Who's the idiot now?!", "You  said the Sensory\nDeprivator 5000 was stupid.", "But it totally worked!", "I couldn't see or hear\nanything happening around me.", "Right?! Right?!", "No...!", "And if that weren't bad enough,", "I was about to have a\nhorrible realization.", "Where's the dipping sauce?", "The team that won, want to know\nwhat their name rhymes with?", "Come on, dude.\nYou promised you'd stop", "if  I ate all those crayons.", "Why are you doing this?", "I'm in love with Miss Aldrin.", "Well, you can't have Miss Aldrin,\nshe's mine.", "Okay, now who did this?", "I did.", "Does that mean Marshall\ngets a time-out?", "Well, Marshall's\na grownup, so...", "When one of us breaks something,\nwe get a time-out.", "Sorry.", "And after the Super Bowl,", "the mayor of the losing\nteam's city had to pay up,", "sending the mayor of\nthe winning team's city", "15 pounds of a delicacy his\nor her city is famous for.", "Better fire up whatever type of grill,\nsteamer or fryer", "one might use to cook that delicacy,\nWinning Team's Mayor.", "Hey.", "Hey.\n- I'm not talking to you.", "Yes, you are.", "You'll do whatever I say.", "Hold your breath.\n- I'm not holding my breath.", "The winning team was the...", "Now here's how this\nis going to work:", "you're going to take me to\nthree R-rated movies a week...", "And then Uncle\nMarshall got an idea.", "It was not one he was\nproud of in retrospect,", "but desperate times...", "Oh, no.", "Somebody wet their pants.", "No, I didn't.\n- Oh, really?", "Who's everyone gonna believe?", "I'm a grownup third-year\nlaw student at Columbia", "and you're just a little pants wetter.\nSo now I ask you a question:", "You want to be able to quietly sneak\noff to the restroom and dry off", "or am I gonna have something\nfor show and tell today?", "Hey, everyone...\n- Okay, okay.", "You win.", "I want my money back.", "And  your pudding snack pack.", "Sir, who won the Super Bowl?", "Sorry. I missed the game.", "You missed...?!\nHow could he miss...?", "Excuse me!\nWho won the Super Bowl?!", "I... don't really\nfollow sports.", "Oh, my...!", "Emmitt Smith!", "Oh, thank God.", "Yeah, I get that a lot.", "You got to tell me,\nwho won the Super Bowl?", "The game was last night?", "You know, once you win two\nor three of those things,", "it's kind of like, eh.", "But you're Emmitt Smith. You're a\nfootball player, it's Super Bowl Sunday.", "What could possibly be more\nimportant than football?!", "Dance, my friend. Dance.", "No...!", "Hello! It's me again.", "Oh! I didn't recognize you.", "Yeah, you forgot to give\nme the dipping sauce!", "Ah. Yes.", "This is the one.", "It was 4:00, and so far,\nall of us had done the impossible.", "But then,\nalmost simultaneously,", "things started to go wrong.", "And let's end the\nday on a happy note.", "There is a new arrival\nat the Bronx Zoo.", "Trish Sanchez has the story.", "Hey, buddy.\n- Hey, dude, look out.", "And in honor of\nyesterday's big win...", "Hey, buddy, look out.\n- Dude, watch out!", "...the zoo decided to\nname the baby panda", "after Super Bowl champions...", "No...!", "No...!", "No...!", "Yes...!", "Awesome. Just in\ntime for kick-off.", "None of you guys found\nout the score, right?", "Mission accomplished.\n- Didn't find out.", "Great. Let's do it.\nI already fast-forwarded", "through the four hours of pre-game\ncoverage. So we are ready.", "Barney, I can't\neven look at you.", "I don't want any\nsign of who won.", "Don't worry,\nI'm not going to give anything away.", "Feel free to start without me.", "Ah...! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!", "So much money!\nYou screwed it up, Barney!", "You screwed everything up!\nStupid! Stupid! Stupid!", "Okay, let's watch the game.", "Barney, what the hell was that?\nWe know who you bet on.", "Now you've ruined the\ngame for everyone.", "Yeah. Thanks a lot, Barney.", "Way to blow it.", "Yeah, I didn't know\nand now I do know.", "There's no point in\neven watching the game.", "Well, at least the\ncommercials aren't ruined.", "Wings are still good.", "Beer still works.", "Ah, what the hell.", "Let's watch Barney\nlose some money.", "Hey, so check this out:", "I got extorted by a\nfive-year-old today.", "I almost got fired today.", "I met Emmitt Smith today.", "Ooh, you go first.", "I tried out the Sensory\nDeprivator 5000.", "Yeah, go ahead, Barney.", "Well, I was frantically\nrunning down the street", "trying to find out the\nscore to the game...", "And here's the funny part,", "as unforgettable as\nthat Super Bowl was,", "here it is 23 years later and\nI don't remember who won...", "Hell, I don't even\nremember who played.", "What I do remember is\nthat we drank beer,", "we ate wings and we watched\nthe Super Bowl together.", "Because sometimes, even if you know\nhow something's going to end,", "that doesn't mean you\ncan't enjoy the ride.", "We even raised a toast\nto good old Mike.", "I mean Mark. Matt.", "Crap! Why do I keep doing that?", "I didn't only lose the game,\nI lost every single prop bet.", "Total penalty yardage,\nnumber of replay-challenges,", "coin toss...", "What are the odds of\nlosing the coin toss?", "50-50, give or take.", "Interceptions, field-goals,\ntotal sacks,", "whether or not there'd\nbe a safety, first...", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team", "Craving big poker? Feast your eyes on Venom.\n$5 million GTD. AmericasCardroom.com"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E15 Lucky Penny": ["Kids, never underestimate\nthe power of destiny.", "Because when you least expect it,\nthe littlest thing", "can cause a ripple effect\nthat changes your life.", "Take for instance\nmy trip to Chicago.", "That security guard was\na little bit handsy.", "That's funny.\nShe barely touched me.", "Uh, Gate 23. Come on.", "If we miss this flight,\nI will never forgive myself.", "Why was this flight\nso important?", "Let's back up a few months\nto the fall of 2006.", "I had just sold my first\nbuilding design and become", "the youngest project manager\nin my firm's history.", "Suddenly I was\nbeing headhunted.", "One firm was even considering me to\nrun their entire New York office.", "They were flying me in\nfor a final interview", "at their corporate\nheadquarters in Chicago.", "It was the opportunity\nof a lifetime.", "It was my destiny.", "There was just one problem.", "Hi, wait, two more.", "Sorry, you're too late,\nI already shut the doors.", "Well, I'm sure if we pull\nreal hard we can open them.", "Hmm, I wish it worked like that, but\nsee, once I close those doors,\nthat's it.", "Nobody else is allowed\ndown that jet-way.", "Except for that guy.", "Please, if-if I miss this flight, I'll miss\nthe chance to interview for my dream job.", "I'm sorry, sir.", "His dream job!\nDidn't you ever have a dream job?", "Something from when you were a little\ngirl, that was all you wanted to do?", "I mean, for God's sakes,\nI'm sure you didn't go to bed at night", "dreaming about being a...", "I mean, uh...", "This is a cool job.", "Please, I have to\nbe on this flight.", "I'll see what I can do.", "But it doesn't look good.", "Thanks.", "Your uniforms are pretty.", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team", "www.forom.com", "Okay.", "They haven't armed the doors yet,\nso you still have a chance.", "It's up to the captain now\nand they're calling us back.", "Great, please let us know\nsoon as you hear anything.", "Sure, and for the future,\nwe recommend you arrive", "at the airport an hour and\na half before your flight,", "not, you know,\none minute after.", "Normally, I'm\nincredibly responsible.", "I just had to go to court this\nmorning and get sentenced.", "Not that I'm a\ncriminal or anything.", "Yeah, he just jumped\na subway turnstile.", "You seem to have a lot of problems\nwith the rules of travel.", "Hello?", "Oh, that is great news.", "It's my mom--\nshe found her missing earring.", "Have a seat.\nI'll call you when I hear something.", "Where was it?", "That thing better\nhave call waiting.", "Could you just call the firm\nand explain what happened?", "It's down to three people", "and I know they need to\nmake their decision today.", "I sort of feel my not showing up\nmight put me at a disadvantage.", "I'm so stupid.", "Why did I have to\njump that turnstile?", "Hey, don't be so\nhard on yourself.", "And isn't this whole thing\nreally Barney's fault?", "She had a point.", "It was kind of Barney's fault.", "Let's back up a few months.", "Oh, Marshall,\nhow's the broken toe?", "Oh, man, it kills.", "You want some aspirin, baby?", "You know I don't\nbelieve in pain killers.", "Wow, your first broken bone.", "Kind of kills your whole\n\"Unbreakable\" theory.", "Marshall used to think\nhe was indestructible.", "Well, it added up.\nI've never broken anything.", "I've never been sick,\nand when I need to,", "I can summon\nincredible strength.", "Ted,  tell her the story\nof the really heavy door.", "There was a really heavy door.", "He opened it.", "On one pull.", "Well, you must be really bummed, you're\nnot gonna be able to run tomorrow.", "Yeah. It sucks,", "all that work I put in training\nfor the marathon was a total waste.", "Training for a marathon.", "What?", "You don't need to train for a marathon.\nYou just run it.", "You're kidding, right?", "Not at all. I could run a\nmarathon anytime I wanted to.", "So like tomorrow, you think you\ncould wake up, roll out of bed,", "and just run the New\nYork City Marathon?", "Absolutely.", "Barney, we're talking\nabout 42 kilometers.", "Thanks, Canada.\nI'll take it from here.", "Barney, it's like 26 miles.", "Here's how you run a marathon.", "Step one, you start running.", "There is no step two.", "Okay, you know what? Prove it.", "Take my number and\nrun in my place.", "I will bet you 50 bucks you\ndon't even finish the race.", "50 bucks?", "Gee, Grandpa, if I win,", "maybe I can buy myself\nan ice-cream cone.", "Make it $10,000.", "You have a gambling problem.\nYou'll bet me 50.", "Fine, then no bet.", "Okay, $50.", "The next morning,\nas the marathon began,", "we were focused on\nMarshall's computer.", "Each runner gets a tracking chip\nso you can follow them online,", "see  when they pass certain checkpoints.\nBarney's got mine in his shoe.", "Ooh, he's starting!", "This ought to be good.", "Wow.", "He's already passing\nthe second checkpoint.", "This tracking thing is amazing.", "When we get married,\nyou're getting one of these.", "Wow. Look at his time.\nIt's pretty impressive.", "He's gotta be cheating, okay.", "He knew we'd check.", "Yeah, he'll do\nanything to win a bet.", "Remember that time he bet me that Men\nat Work sang \"Hungry Like the Wolf,\"", "and when he found out that they didn't,\nhe tried to hire them to?", "Well, it looks like, \"Barney\" should\nbe coming over the Queensboro Bridge", "and up First Avenue within\nthe next hour or so. But...", "there is no way that\nthat's really him.", "It's  really him.", "Hey! That's mine.", "Yeah, you'd better run!", "What up, non-finishers?\n- Wow.", "Very impressive, Barney.\n- Right?", "Yeah, my time would have been\nlike a half an hour better,", "but I met this total hottie on\nMile Seven. We took a quick detour", "and had our own mini\nmarathon behind a Nathan's.", "I won.", "I'm not sure anyone in\nthat story is a winner.", "So where's my 50 bucks?", "All right.", "I got to admit,\nyou earned this.", "Huh? Can't believe they haven't\nmade a coin for this yet.", "Anyway, I'm heading home.", "Might go hit the gym.", "Oh, hey, just so you know,\nuh, all marathon runners get", "to use the subway\nfor free today.", "Wow. You know I really should\ncheck out this \"subway.\"", "Heard so much about it.", "Wow. Look at me. Slumming it.", "Maybe I'll make a\nweekend out of it", "and I'll call my bridge\nand tunnel girl tonight.", "You're dating a girl\nfrom New Jersey?", "No.", "So Barney did it.", "He actually finished\nthe marathon.", "But a little while later...\nI got an interesting phone call.", "Hello?\n- Ted, it's Barney.", "Listen to me, I need you to come\nand pick me up on the subway.", "What, what are\nyou talking about?", "I was sitting here,\ntotally minding my own business.", "Finisher.", "Yeah, you know what I mean.", "86th street.", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "My legs don't work.", "I've already ridden the\nsubway twice end to end.", "I've seen where\nit turns around.", "Ted, you don't ever want to see\nwhere the subway turns around.", "Barney's legs won't work.", "He's riding the subway\nfrom end to end", "because he physically\ncan't get off the train.", "Best 50 bucks I ever spent.", "Listen to me, Ted.", "I'm going to lose you any second.\nI'm on the fourth car of the six train", "heading south from Pelham\nBay Park in the Bronx.", "Meet me at the 86th Street station in,\nlike, half an hour?", "All right. I'll be right there.", "Stay where you are.", "Ted, Ted.", "Oh, come on. You're not even going\nto give up your seat for him?", "I'm sorry. I can't.", "Douche.", "Barney?!\n- Ted!", "Hey!", "No...!", "See? If Barney never\ntried to run the marathon,", "you never would have\njumped that turnstile,", "you wouldn't have had\nthat court date today,", "and we would have\nmade this flight.", "You're right.", "Everything can be\ntraced back to him.", "Like that rash we\nall got at Christmas.", "All right,\nI have to see what's going on.", "So I was able to get you two seats.\n- Really? That's great!", "No, no, not you. I'm talking to\nmy mom about Blue Man Group.", "Ma, can I call you back?", "Okay, what about our flight?\nCan we get on?", "I'm still waiting for... Huh.", "Looks like your\nflight left already.", "What? No, n-n-n-no, n-no.\nI have to be in Chicago today.", "Well, he never even\ncalled you back?", "Well, it's typical pilot.\nThey don't call you back at work", "and they don't call you back after\nyou spend two nights with them", "at a Radisson in Orlando.", "It turned out there was one other\nflight that would just barely get me", "to Chicago on time\nfor my job interview,", "but it was all the way on the\nother side of the airport.", "What was the name of\nthe airline again?", "I think it was something\nlike Flights R' Us.", "Was the \"R\" backwards?", "God, I hope not.", "Geez.\n- Stupid smart carts.", "More like dumb carts.", "If we miss this flight,\nit's all Barney's fault.", "You know, Barney never would have\nrun the marathon in the first place", "if Marshall hadn't broken his toe.\n- Yeah, so?", "What, you think\nthis is my fault?", "For Marshall, the initial idea to run\nthe marathon came way back in April.", "My pants are starting\nto feel a little tight.", "Oh, that's okay.\nI love that cute little belly.", "I cannot allow this.", "What?", "I am going to run the\nNew York City Marathon.", "\"It is important to load\nup on carbohydrates", "two to four hours\nbefore a big run.", "Try a breakfast of a bagel,\na banana,", "oatmeal, strawberries\nand some orange juice.\"", "Here you go, Marshmallow.\nJust like the book said.", "Yeah, but from now on, I'm eating\nall of my breakfast runner-style.", "Liquids are digested faster.", "That way, no energy is wasted,", "and it's all about the run.", "\"Don't forget to give yourself\nplenty of positive reinforcement.\"", "This is gonna be\nyour best run yet.", "You're going to accomplish\nall of your goals.", "You are a robot sent\nfrom the future", "to win the marathon!", "You are... Marshall.", "You are... Marshall.", "You are Marshall! Yeah!", "\"Chafing or blisters can\noccur in a number of areas,", "including the feet, armpits,\nor even the nipples.", "Try using some petroleum\njelly on the affected areas.\"", "Oh, gosh!", "Dude, you are a\nterrific runner.", "Tomorrow you're gonna run and\nfinish the New York City Marathon!", "You're the best.", "You look good.", "Nobody does it better than you.", "Marshall? Oh, my God!", "So, yes, it was your fault.", "I mean, if you don't show up at the\napartment in the middle of the day,", "Marshall doesn't break his toe,\nBarney doesn't run in his place,", "I don't jump the turnstile\nand get a court date,", "and we make our flight\nin plenty of time!", "And I don't fall down and bite\nmy tongue at the airport.", "That really wasn't my fault.", "I wouldn't have walked in on\nMarshall if it weren't for Lily.", "Hey, think about it.", "Hey, what's going on here?", "Oh, looks like they're\ncamping out for something.", "Yeah, but for what?", "I don't know. Usually there's a\nStormtrooper or Klingon in line", "to give you some indication.", "\"Annual wedding dress blowout.", "Designer sample\ndresses up to 90% off.", "Doors open tomorrow, 8:00 a.m.\"", "Oh, my God. Can you believe what some\nnut bags will do to save a few bucks?", "We have to camp out.", "Are you serious?\n- You don't understand.", "This is an amazing sale.\nI've heard about it before,", "but I never knew where it was.", "We'll have a wedding dress campout.\nIt'll be fun.", "I can't go.\nI've got this thing.", "What thing?\n- A penis.", " This is the place.\n- Oh, wow.", "Badgley Mischka! Melissa Sweet!", "Vera Wang!", "Oh, Robin, do you have any idea\nwhat you guys stumbled onto here?", "You said wang.", "Oh, this reminds me of the ticket\nline to Lilith Fair, 1998.", "Only fewer mullets.", "You should feel good. You're only, like,\nthe tenth craziest bride in New York.", "Ooh, this is comfy.", "We might actually\nbe able to sleep.", "That's  kind of annoying.", "Well, I'm sure somebody will be\nout here to turn it off any minute.", "I don't think I can take this.", "Every time it turns off,\nI think,", "oh, maybe it won't\nturn on again,", "but then it does.", "Why does it, Robin?", "Why does it keep turning on?", "It's gonna be okay,\nsweetie. Why...", "Why don't we make a\ngame out of it, okay?", "Why don't we sing along?", "If we get through this,", "I swear I'm gonna live\nmy life differently.", "I just want to tell my parents\nI love them one more time.", "Morning, ladies.", "It's him. It's the car guy!\n- Get out of here!", "The next morning, Robin was too tired\nto go all the way back to Brooklyn,", "so while I was at work,", "she went to crash at my\napartment for a couple hours,", "and that's when...", "Nobody does it better than you.", "Marshall?! Oh, my God!", "So if Lily hadn't dragged me\ndown to the wedding dress store,", "we would have made\nthe first flight.", "Oh, thank God.\nThe doors are still open. We made it.", "Hi. Please.\nWe really need to get on this flight.", "Oh, my God!", "You're that reporter\nfrom Metro News 1.", "Yes, yes, I am.", "I can't believe\nyou recognized me.", "You did that story on the giant pizzas?\n- Would you check to see", "if you have any more seats?\n- One moment, sir.", "Were those pizzas real?\nCome on, were they?", "Robin...\n- One second, Ted.", "Um, you know,\na lot of people ask me that.", "The truth is,\nthe pizzas were real.", "Calzones. Trick photography.\n- I knew it!", "God, it is so nice\nto meet a fan!", "And  I would be a fan of your\nwork if you could get us", "two seats on that next flight.", "Well, the, uh, flight attendants are\njust finishing up their final\nseat count.", "Let me see what I can find out.", "Would it help if I got on and gave an\nimpassioned speech about my destiny?", "I think it might hurt.", "This is such a nightmare.", "Okay, so we agree? This goes\nback to Lily wanting to camp out", "for a wedding dress?", "No.", "Wait. It goes back further.", "Remember why we were eating\nhot dogs on the East Side?", "1939?!", "This penny's from 1939!", "A 67-year-old penny.", "Do you realize this penny was\nminted during World War II?", "Oh, so was my grandfather,\nbut that doesn't make him interesting.", "Look, I know a little\nsomething about coins,", "and this baby is worth\nsomething to a collector.", "No, it's not.\n- Yes, it is!", "You know what?\nI'm gonna take you out to dinner", "with the money I get\nfor this little guy.", "And that's exactly what I did.", "You're lucky there's still a place that\nserves anything for a dollar fifty.", "Hey, that's 150 times\nits original value.", "Actually, the meal\nwas only $1.49.", "1984.", "Hey, in 50 years,\nwe can get dinner again.", "How dare you.", "Hey, what's going on?", "I don't know. Looks like they're\ncamping out for something.", "Yeah, but for what?", "It was me.", "I started this.", "If I hadn't picked\nup that penny,", "we wouldn't have gone to get hot\ndogs all the way across town.", "And we wouldn't have seen\nthat wedding dress store,", "Lily wouldn't have wanted\nto camp out there,", "and I wouldn't have needed a nap\nat your apartment the next day.", "Marshall wouldn't\nhave broken his toe.", "Barney wouldn't have\nrun the marathon.", "I wouldn't have jumped\nthat turnstile,", "gotten arrested,\nhad that court date...", "And we would have\nmade our flight.", "I don't think we can go\nback any further than that", "unless you know who\ndropped the penny.", "I wish I did.", "Though that person's already\nbeen punished enough,", "losing a sweet penny like that.", "Uh, sir?", "Oh, please tell me you\nhave some good news.", "Uh, I'm afraid not.", "There are no extra\nseats on the plane.", "I'm sorry.", "All, right, well,\nthanks for trying.", "I can't believe this.", "That's it, it's over.", "Ted, come on.", "Your destiny just wasn't to\nmake it to Chicago today.", "Anyway, if that firm really wants you,\nthey'll reschedule.", "But that's not what happened.", "They didn't reschedule.", "They hired someone else.", "And as it turned out,\nthree months later,", "that guy ended up having\nto relocate to Chicago.", "Kids, funny thing\nabout destiny--", "I thought I was destined\nto get that job.", "But I was wrong.", "My destiny was to\nstay in New York.", "Because if I hadn't,", "I never would have\nmet your mother.", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team\nwww.forom.com", "Craving big poker? Feast your eyes on Venom.\n$5 million GTD. AmericasCardroom.com"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E16 Stuff": ["Kids, the key to a good\nrelationship is communication.", "You need to talk.\n- How about Mimi's?", "Nah, I don't really\nfeel like Mimi's.", "Well, I'm hungry.\nLet's just pick a place and go.", "Oh, you know where we\nshould go? Cynthia's.", "You love that place--\nremember what a great time we had", "the last time we were there?", "We did?\n- Yeah, yeah.", "We had that crazy waiter who kept going,\n\"You two should get married!", "You two should get married!\"", "It's also important to\nknow when to stop talking.", "Come on. Then we stepped outside.\nIt was raining.", "It was so romantic?", "How can you not remember this?", "Because it wasn't me.", "Oh, right!", "It was...", "my sister.", "You see,\nby the time you've hit your late 20s,", "you've dated a few people,", "but when you're in a relationship,\nit's common courtesy to pretend", "that you haven't.", "Oh, my God, Van Helsing is on.", "Remember when we\nwent to see it?", "We sat in the back row.", "I've never seen Van Helsing.", "That's right.\nI saw it with my sister.", "My boss just got\nback from Maui.", "He said it was really romantic.", "Oh, it's so romantic.", "When were you in Maui?", "I... went... with my sister.\n- With my sister.", "Why do you always say that?", "Look, we're not 16.\nWe've both dated other people.", "It's silly to try to\nact like we didn't.", "You're right.", "We should just be honest.", "Totally.", "See that girl over there?", "Three years ago,\nI totally made out with her.", "I don't want to hear that.", "What? You said...\n- God, that is so insensitive.", "Remember honesty...?\n- You're a jerk!", "Well, you're...", "confusing.", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team", "www.forom.com", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "Okay, so you have to\nhave sex with one.", "Either classic mermaid;\nbottom half fish, top half human,", "or inverted mermaid,\ntop half fish, bottom half human.", "Go!", "I don't know. Is she fat?", "Yeah, but it's a fish,\nso it's the good kind of fat.", "Hot off the presses!", "I-I don't take flyers.", "You took one two seconds\nbefore you walked in here.", "That's different.\nIt was for a strip club.", "Two bucks off wings.", "How much is your flyer\ngoing to save me on wings?", "Fine. It's a flyer\nfrom my play.", "Oh, Lily, I'd love to,\nbut we're not in college", "and I'm not trying\nto sleep with you.", "So anyway, this mermaid...\n- Hey, Lily's friend asked her", "to be in this play,\nand it's gonna be really good.", "Lily, I love you,\nbut we're too old for this.", "Asking someone to\ncome see your play", "is like asking someone\nfor a ride to the airport", "or to crash on your couch\nor to help you move.", "Call a cab, book a room,", "hire some movers\nand repeat after me:", "Friends don't let friends\ncome see their crappy play.", "Okay, first of all,\nI've thought about it and top half fish.", "Second of all, we need you guys\nto decide something for us.", "Yes, you should break up.", "So, earlier tonight...", "Mm, we should get\ndown to the bar.", "I know we should,", "but you just look so sexy\nin my red sweatshirt.", "Oh, God,\nwhy is this part of the story?", "We're getting to it.", "Damn, my face is so dry.\nIs there any moisturizer around here?", "Yeah, there's some\nin the bathroom.", "Got to moisturize!", "Got to keep that\npretty face moist.", "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!", "What's wrong with her?\n- She hates that word.", "What word, \"moist\"?\n- No! Seriously, stop!", "So,  anyway, Ted goes into the\nbathroom to get the moist...", "face lotion...", "Wow, this is great stuff.", "Now I know the secret to\nyour great complexion.", "What are you talking about?\nIt's yours.", "No, it's not.", "Oh, well...\nthen I guess it's Lily's.", "No, it's not.", "Whose moisturizer is this, Ted?", "Um, my sister's.", "So, in other words,\nsome girl you went out with.", "Um... I love you.", "Disgusting. You let me put on the\nsame moisturizer as one of your exes?", "It was probably Carla's.\nHer face was a train wreck.", "I'm don't think Ted was\ndating her for her face.", "Thank you, Marshall.", "Thank you so much.", "Why is that still\nin your apartment?", "I don't know.\nI just never threw it out.", "Well, why not? Do you still\nhave feelings for this girl?", "Yeah. I'm madly\nin love with her,", "and the only way\nI can deal with it", "is by holding onto a\nthree-dollar tube of lotion.", "Not three dollars! Try 14.", "Why is this such a big deal?", "Because I don't want to use\nsome whore's moisturizer!", "Whoa, she wasn't a whore.", "Well, she's leaving expensive\nlotions all over town.", "It sounds like a whore to me.", "What else do you have from old\ngirlfriends just lying around?", "Nothing. That's it.", "Well, except for\nthe phone booth.", "And the lamp by the desk...", "and the...", "N o.", "No! No! Oh, Ted!", "Ah, the age-old question:", "after you break up with someone,\nwhat do you do with the stuff?", "Question? Ain't no\nquestion, girl.", "Obviously, he's got\nto get rid of it.", "Which is obviously crazy and obviously,\nI'm not gonna do it.", "So we agreed that we\nwould let you guys decide.", "Yeah, like we did with\nMarshall's pants.", "Ah, the 2005 landmark case of Lily v.\nThe Joey Buttafuoco Pants.", "Nice, right?", "I'm gonna have to say no.", "I  don't want some 16-year-old\ngirl falling in love with you", "and then shooting\nLily in the face.", "Yes!", "I vote they can stay.", "\"Check out the jackass in the\nparachute pants\" is a good icebreaker.", "Ted.", "Ted? Ted?", "Sorry, buddy,\nit's a \"no\" for me, too.", "Oh, and by the way,\nBel Biv Devoe called.", "Even they don't want\nthose pants back.", "They were insanely comfortable!", "They were like pajamas\nyou could wear outside.", "Marshall, it's over.", "We even gave you an appeal and they\ndidn't look any better with combat boots.", "All right, well, let's hear the\narguments. Ted, you go first.", "Okay. The fact that I still have things\nfrom ex-girlfriends is no big deal.", "I mean,\nwhen I see the phone booth on the piano,", "I don't think of\nJeannie Radford,", "I think of the good times I\nhad backpacking through Europe.", "And when I see the lamp,\nI don't think of Allison Moses.", "I remember when I was broke,\njust out of college,", "and I really needed a lamp.", "And when I see that throw pillow,\nI don't think of Lauren Stein.", "I think of that weird orange-brown\nstain and how it got there.", "Creamsicle and turkey gravy,", "not at the same time.", "Well, that's adorable,", "but from now on, when I walk into the\napartment, here is what I will see.", "I'm Ted's college girlfriend.\nHe made me 12 mix tapes.", "How many has he made you?", "He calls you \"sweetie pie\"?", "He called me \"sweetie pie.\"", "I'm stupid,\nbut my rack is bigger than yours.", "Really? You can't\nlook at a pillow", "without seeing my ex-girlfriend--\na pillow!", "Yes, Ted, the fact that you still\nhave that pillow is creepy and gross.", "You're creepy and gross.\n- Your mom's creepy and gross.", "Order! Order!", "I got to side with Robin.", "She's your girlfriend, and if the stuff\nupsets her, you got to get rid of it.", "I've got to side with Ted.", "Just 'cause you still have\nsomething an ex-girlfriend gave you", "doesn't mean you're\nholding onto her.", "All right, Barney.", "It all comes down to you.", "I side with Robin.\n- What?", "Ted, your place\nis too cluttered.", "It's like you're living\nin a Bennigan's.", "Or a Danby's.", "What, they don't have\nDanby's in the US?", "Really?", "Well, then were do you get\nGrizzly Paw ice cream sandwiches?", "Just stop, sweetie.", "So I had no choice.", "I packed up everything I had\ngotten from ex-girlfriends.", "It was painful,", "but not as painful as what I\nhad to endure later that night.", "New York is famous\nfor its theater,", "but there's many\ndifferent levels.", "There's Broadway,", "off-Broadway,", "off-off-Broadway,", "homeless people\nscreaming in the park,", "and then below that,\nthe play Aunt Lily was in.", "Eight flights, of stairs.", "Who puts a theater up\neight flights of stairs?", "What kind of building is this?", "From the smell of it,\nI'm guessing a urine factory.", "Where do you guys want to sit?", "I know where I\ndon't want to sit.", "Guys, four together!", "I brought a bag in case\nanyone needs to puke.", "Come on.\nIt's not gonna be that bad.", "No? Okay.", "I... am... Rage!", "I... am Greed.", "I am Rage... Envy!", "I am outta here.", "No, you're not.\nYou have to stay.", "This is the face\nof Consumerism!", "Oh, my God.\nTed's part of the play.", "Hello, Greed, Rage...", "Envy...", "and Consumerism.", "I... am your father...", "America!", "Oh, baby, that was wonderful!", "Totally, I had no idea\nGreed was the killer.", "And when it became a\nplay within a play,", "I was, like,\n\"Now we are really cookin'!\"", "Wow, Lily, that sucked!", "Barney!", "What? It was terrible.", "I mean, come on.\nYou guys agree, right?", "Hey, sorry, I'm just being honest\n'cause, you know, we're friends.", "No, friends make each\nother feel good.", "They build each other\nup and support them.", "That's what being a\ngood friend is about.", "Yeah, if you're a Smurf.", "You know if you did a play,\nI would sit through the whole thing", "and I would compliment\nyou on it afterwards.", "Oh, really? You would?", "Yes.", "Bad move, Aldrin, bad move.", "We'll be starting our\nQ&A with the director--", "yours truly--", "in five minutes right here.", "Can you believe Barney said\nthat about Lily's play?", "I know.\nHe can be really insensitive.", "It was pretty bad, though.", "Oh, my God, it was so bad.", "Oh, my God, you've been robbed!", "Nope.", "All that stuff was\nfrom old girlfriends?", "Don't you buy anything\nfor yourself?", "What can I say?", "Papa gets swag.", "And that should've been the end of it.\nBut the next day...", "You know, at first I was really bummed\nabout getting rid of all my stuff.", "But seeing how happy it makes you--\ntotally worth it.", "Mm, that's kind of how I feel when\nI begrudgingly have sex with you", "when I'm really tired.", "Exactly. Sometimes you\ngotta take one for the team.", "Well, sit. Sit, yeah.", "So you never keep anything\nyour ex-boyfriends gave you?", "Nope.", "Well, except for my dogs.", "So I had to get rid of everything\nfrom my past relationships", "because you don't keep things\nfrom your past relationships", "except, uh, where are your five\ndogs from? Oh, that's right:", "your past relationships.", "What's your point, Ted?", "Well,  you know how you said\nyou come over to my apartment,", "and all you can see\nare my ex-girlfriends?", "What, so when you look at my dogs,\nall you see is my ex-boyfriends?", "I do now.", "That's ridiculous.", "I thought you said you got rid of\neverything your ex-boyfriends gave you.", "Well, yeah, but not my dogs.", "You said everything.", "But not living things.", "Well, tell that to the rare\nBolivian cactus I threw away.", "Things with a\nheartbeat can stay.", "Enjoying this?", "Pickles, go get your ball.", "Go get your ball.", "Just admit it.\nIt was a little hypocritical of you", "to make me get rid\nof all my stuff.", "Well, what do you want me to do, Ted?\nGet rid of my dogs?", "Guess what position\nwe did it in.", "Yes. Yes,\nI want you to get rid of your dogs.", "Um, no.", "Really? Well,\nI say we take it to the group,", "but I don't like your chances.", "She's not getting\nrid of the dogs.", "What's the matter with you?", "Even I wouldn't do that.\n- Yes!", "You can ask somebody to get rid of their\niguana after it poops in your hair,", "but not their dog.", "I miss Jebediah.", "Oh, I almost forgot.", "Flyers for my new play.", "Very funny.", "Oh, it's not a joke.", "It's my one-man show\npremiering tomorrow night.", "And  even though it's terrible\nand excruciatingly long,", "I expect you all to be there\nsince we're such good friends.", "Oh,  we'll be there.", "Unless, of course, you just want\nto admit that you were wrong...", "Never.\n- Good.", "Okay, I gotta go rehearse.", "Oh, I almost forgot.\nBring a poncho;", "the first three rows get wet.", "I'm sorry I didn't tell you\nwhere the dogs came from.", "I'm sorry I asked you\nto get rid of them.", "That was ridiculous.", "So we're-we're okay?", "Yeah, we're great.", "And I thought we were,", "but just as it did in the\nseventh act of Aunt Lily's play,", "Jealousy reared its ugly head.", "Oh, yeah, that's the spot.", "Dude, I gotta pee.", "I gotta go.", "Oh, he's really having trouble\ndealing with this, huh?", "Yeah, he really is.", "It's got me thinking,\nmaybe I should get rid of my dogs.", "Might be time to send\nthem to the farm.", "You're gonna kill your dogs?!\n- No! No, no, no,", "there really is a farm.", "My aunt has a farm upstate.", "Oh, thank God.", "Aw, you know,\nif I were five dogs,", "I'd rather live on a farm than\nin an apartment in Brooklyn.", "Yeah. I could visit\nthem on weekends.", "My aunt is awfully lonely up there.\nIt's just her and her lover, Betty.", "Oh, that's perfect.\nThey love dogs.", "\"They\"? What do\nyou mean by \"they\"?", "Uh... uh.... uh...\nPeople upstate.", "Oh, look, it's starting. Shh!", "Are you sure you're\ngonna be okay?", "I mean,\nyou know that this is gonna be...", "I know, but I'm gonna sit\nthrough the whole thing,", "and I'm gonna say something\nnice about it afterwards.", "You know why?", "Because that's what friends do.", "Moist.", "Moist.", "Moist.", "Moist.", "That was the first 40\nminutes of Barney's show.", "Moist.", "And then we endured\nabout 20 minutes of this.", "I have to go refill.", "I'll be back in a moment.", "Play's not over.", "I never get picked for\naudience participation.", "And then it just got weird.", "Feelings.", "Inside.", "Oh, no!", "And when that didn't work...", "Okay! Stop!", "You win. Fine.", "Barney, I'm sorry I made\nyou come to my show.", "Thank you, Lily.", "Is there anything you'd\nlike to say about my show?", "No.", "No, I have nothing nice\nto say about your show.", "You were right, Barney.", "Let's go to the bar.", "Yes! I win!", "I love winning!", "Oh, Lily. Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily.", "I was just getting\nwarmed up, man!", "If you had any idea what was\ncoming up in act two... oh!", "Well, I imagine it was pretty awful,\nso let's go.", "Pretty awful? Pretty awful?!\nIt was a masterpiece of awful.", "It's genius how bad it is.\nI kind of wish you guys could see it.", "Yeah, well, anyway.", "Act two is where I\nreally hit my stride.", "Spoiler alert:\nthe robot falls in love.", "How about this, Barney?\nHow about we stay", "and-and watch the\nrest of your show?", "It's your funeral.", "Five, six, one, two.", "So we stayed and let Barney torture\nus for another hour and a half,", "'cause that's what\nfriends do, apparently.", "Hey.", "Where've you been?\nI called you earlier.", "I gave my dogs away to my aunt.", "You what?", "Yeah. Just for a few months\nas a test run, but...", "I think it's for the best.", "Wow.", "Oh, man.", "Can we go inside?", "Uh, no.\nUh, let's go to the bar.", "Why? What's going on inside?", "Um, the floors are gone.\n- What?", "Yeah. I-I sent them out to get,\num, fixed.", "This is a terrible lie.\nI'm just going to bail.", "I didn't know you were\ngetting rid of the dogs!", "You said you threw\nall that stuff away!", "Kids, this was the worst\nfight Robin and I ever had.", "It was one of those fights\nthat last for hours", "and you start to get woozy and lose\ntrack of what you're fighting about.", "We fought for so long,\nseasons changed outside the window.", "Pages of the calendar blew off.\nIt was crazy.", "But, ultimately, and I couldn't\ntell you how for the life of me,", "but somehow we got to here.", "We're really doing this?", "Yeah.", "We're moving in together!\n- We're moving in together!", "The robot found love", "Confusing my circuitry", "My software's been hacked", "Toaster oven", "You're the one for me", "Two, three, four.", "That's two.", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team\nwww.forom.com", "Craving big poker? Feast your eyes on Venom.\n$5 million GTD. AmericasCardroom.com"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E17 Arrivederci, Fiero": ["This is awesome.", "I can't believe this\nmoment's finally here.", "One more mile and my\nlittle boy turns 200,000.", "Your baby Fiero's grown into\na really old man Fiero.", "And just like an old man,", "he leaks fluid, smells stale,", "makes weird noises\nout the back.", "Yeah, he does.", "Hey, light up those cigars\nin the glove compartment.", "They're real Cubans.\nI got 'em in Chinatown last year", "just for this moment.", "Uh, Marshall, I'm not saying\nyou were definitely ripped off,", "but these are chopsticks\nwrapped in napkins.", "What are you talking about?\n- Whoa, pothole.", "What? No. Oh. No.", "No, no, no.", "No, there's only .8 miles to go.\nCome on, buddy.", "Buddy!", "Is it cool if I\nstill light these?", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team", "www.forom.com", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "Kids, sometimes life forces us to\nbe someone we didn't want to be.", "When that happens, we often try to hold\non to a little piece of who we were.", "Maybe a tattoo.", "Or a piece of jewelry.", "A tiny souvenir that reminds us,\n\"This is who I really am.\"", "Marshall's souvenir\nwas not so tiny,", "but the more he found himself being\npushed toward the corporate world", "and away from his dream of\nsaving the environment,", "the tighter he held\non to that Fiero.", "Hey.", "One good thing: we're off the\nhook for the folding party today.", "Hey. It's very important\nto both Lily and me", "that there be a handmade origami\ncrane in each of our wedding's...", "I couldn't even get through it.\nThank God.", "Hey, your car's\ngoing to be fine.", "This is the best\nauto shop around.", "Look at this certificate.", "One of the mechanics here", "finished a 64-ounce steak.", "Surprise.", "We felt bad that you\nguys were missing", "the super-fun origami\nfolding party, so...", "we suggested moving it here.", "We insisted.", "Terrific.", "How's the Fiero?", "She's still in triage.", "She? I thought it\nwas your little boy.", "Oh, it goes back and forth.\nIt's sort of a tranny car.", "How long have you had her...\nslash him?", "My brothers handed it\ndown to me when I was 16.", "Oh, how nice of them.", "Not really.", "Congratulations.", "The Fiero is yours.", "If you pass the final test.", "Come on!", "I already shaved my legs and\nswallowed five dollars in quarters.", "Only $4.50 has come out.", "Just go to the\nWeinerburger drive-thru", "and get us 12 cups of coffee.", "That's it?\n- Oh, yeah.", "But we get to decide\nwhat you wear.", "Agreed. Totally agreed.", "You're naked.", "I'm aware of that.", "You have 50 cents?", "No...", "Look, can I just have\nmy coffee, please?", "Sorry, we're all out\nof trays and lids.", "Two tall guys just came through here\na few minutes ago and bought 'em all.", "And that is the origin\nof Marshall's insane", "\"no food or drinks in the Fiero,\nnot even groceries\" rule.", "It is not insane.", "Barney. That's like the third one\nin a row that you've screwed up.", "Well, I'm trying, but it's...", "Look. You fold twice to the middle,\nfold back and forth, pull the ends out,", "flip over, open the flaps, fold the\nedges, crease the front, fold in half,", "fold  the wings down, push in the bottom\ncorners, and fold the wings back out.", "Or would you like one of my\nkindergartners to show you?", "Wait, wait, wait.\nWait, I think I've got it.", "No.", "Forget it; the paper's too expensive.\nYou're out.", "Aw, nerts.", "The food rule is insane.\nWe could have died because of it.", "Remember the 100K fiasco?\n- Ah, the Fiero-asco.", "Dude, I told you that doesn't work.\nIt's the 100K fiasco.", "What's the 100K fiasco?\n- The Fiero-asco?", "It was just before winter break\nour freshman year of college.", "Marshall and I were roommates,\nbut we weren't really good friends yet.", "I thought Ted was a\nlittle bit pretentious.", "And Marshall was a total slob.", "Hey.", "I'm driving my Fiero\nback over break.", "I know we see enough of\neach other as it is,", "but if you want a ride,\nI could use the gas money.", "You live in Ohio, right?\nI could swing through and pick you up.", "All right, first of all,\nmy parents live in Ohio.", "I live in the moment.", "Plus, Karen and I haven't seen\neach other since Thanksgiving.", "We're both really invested in making\nthis long-distance thing work, so...", "All right, well,\ncall me if you change your mind.", "My odometer's\ngoing to hit 100K.", "She'd be so bummed\nif I left early.", "It was totally mutual.", "I mean, Karen brought it up first,\nbut I...", "it was...\nit was totally mutual.", "I hear you.", "So what's up with you and Lily?\nAnything serious?", "Yeah.", "Dude, we're college freshmen.", "I'm not going to get tied down by\nthe first chick I hook up with.", "Lily's  cool, but this bird\nyou'll never chain, you know?", "The next few hours of our\ndrive were classic road trip.", "So... this song.", "Oh, it's the best\nsong in the world.", "It's the only song I like.", "Just kidding.", "Tape's been stuck in the player for,\nlike, two years.", "Better than nothing, though.", "Maybe.", "I am so... sick...\nof this song.", "Don't worry.\nIt comes around again.", "What do you mean?", "# Just to be the man\nwho walks 1,000 miles #", "# And falls down\nat your door... #", "Yeah, we totally\nnailed the ending.", "That was probably our best one.", "Hey,  you want to\nplay Zitch Dog?", "What?\n- Uh, it's a car game.", "Every time you see a dog, you got to\nbe the first one to say, \"Zitch dog.\"", "I'm pretty good, so...\n- Zitch dog.", "Well, no, I didn't know we had...\nwe'd started, but...", "Okay, that's cool.\nYou got the first point.", "Zitch dog.\n- Zitch dog. Damn it!", "Are we still playing?\n'Cause I wasn't... I wasn't really...", "12-nothing.", "Marshall.", "Marshall.\n- Zitch dog, blue Suburban.", "Damn it!", "18-nothing.", "Then Marshall,\nwho was so busy cheating at Zitch Dog,", "got us totally lost.", "Where the hell are we?!", "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.\nHold on.", "I think you skipped something.", "Really? Seems impossible.", "Hey, we got some time.", "What do you say we get off the highway,\ntake the road less traveled, you know?", "Robert Frost.", "Doesn't seem like a smart idea.", "Too late.", "I'm taking this exit.", "Who's not fun\nenough now, Karen?", "Then we got lost.", "Where the hell are we?!", "I'm pulling over.\n- No, keep driving.", "We're almost out of gas, and we\nmight not even be on a road anymore.", "It's below zero out. If we pull over,\nwe could be snowed in for days.", "Plus, I only have, like, six granola\nbars and three bottles of water.", "Nah, I threw them out.\n- What?!", "No food or drink in the Fiero.", "No food or drink in the F...? You\nhaven't washed your sheets since...", "Thus began the longest\nnight of our lives.", "Pretty sure that my\nfoot is frozen solid.", "Marshall...", "there's a very real chance that we're\ngonna be snowed in here for days.", "If I die first,\ndo whatever you need to survive.", "Eat my flesh.", "Slice me open like a\ntauntaun, whatever.", "Thanks, Ted.", "You're a good friend.", "And if I die first,\nyou just leave my body alone.", "What?", "I just said you could cut me\nopen and crawl inside me.", "Yeah, don't do any of that stuff to me;\nit skeeves me out.", "But... but you're dead,\nand I'm gonna die if I don't.", "Wasn't an easy decision.", "This is all because of\nyour insane no-food rule.", "It's perfectly rational.", "Hey! My spectacles!", "Hey.", "I know we're low on gas,", "but can we turn on the\nheat for just a minute?", "Okay.", "Dude...", "I hate to say this...", "but it's so cold...", "there's only one way that we're\ngonna make it through this night.", "We should've kept driving.\n- Come on, Marshall.", "No. No. We might die now.", "I may never see Lily again.", "I never told\nanybody this, but...", "I've known for a long time that\nI'm gonna marry that girl.", "If we survive this,\nsomeday I'm gonna marry her.", "I'm sorry about\nyour spectacles.", "That's okay.", "They were decorative.", "Hey, Marshall.", "Yeah?", "Are you still\nthinking about Lily?", "Yeah.", "Please stop.", "And so Marshall and I thought we were gonna\ndie out there in the middle of nowhere.", "But funny thing...", "Hey. You lovers better\njust keep on driving.", "Zitch dog!\n- Damn it!", "You said you were gonna\nmarry me that long ago?", "That is so sweet.", "That trip is when Marshall\nand I became best friends.", "With privileges,\nfrom the sound of it.", "Eriksen.", "Wow.", "Looks like he\nreally needs a hug.", "Ted.", "He said it would be at least\n3,000 bucks to make it run again.", "And even then,\nthere's no guarantee.", "Well, it's a pretty old car.", "Yeah. You can keep\nprolonging its life,", "but it's really mostly\nmachine at this point.", "I know that it's\na lot of money,", "but it's my Fiero, you know?", "I'm about to graduate and take\nsome sellout corporate law job,", "and without that Fiero,\nI'm just another guy in a suit.", "How dare you...\n- Hey.", "I've been through so\nmuch in that car.", "The suicidal cat.", "Hitchhiking Waldo.", "The homeless guy who broke\nin through the window", "and threw up all\nover the backseat.", "Lily, don't.", "Be strong. Do not go all\n\"prisoner's dilemma\" on me.", "The car's on its deathbed, Robin.\nI have to clear my conscience.", "Guys, what are\nyou talking about?", "Okay. Shortly\nafter we met Robin,", "she and I were jonesing for\nThai food from this one place.", "An hour and a half delivery.\nWe can't wait that long.", "I wish we could take the Fiero, but\nMarshall has this insane no-food rule.", "But Thai food, Lily.", "Pad Yum Mao.", "Tom Kai Gah.", "Thai See Ran.", "Oh! You're just saying random syllables,\nand it still sounds delicious.", "Okay. Here's what we'll do.", "We'll drive over, pick it up,\nhave them double-bag it,", "very carefully drive it back\nhere with the windows open,", "and he'll never know.", "Wow, these brakes\nare really sensitive.", "Oh, Marshall is gonna kill me!", "This and the difference between \"affect\"\nand \"effect\" are the only two things", "he's really serious about.", "Lily, it's gonna be fine.\n- No, it's not.", "Marshall's gonna freak.\nOh, God, oh, God. What are we gonna do?", "Oh, God, oh...!\n- Shut up!", "Now, listen to me.\nThe clock is ticking.", "Okay, first thing, we scoop up all\nthese little pieces of tofu and cabbage.", "Next, what we need to take care\nof are the really messy parts--", "the pools that have collected.\nWe got to soak that soup up.", "Last is the smell.\nWe got to cover up that Tom Kah Gai.", "You mentioned cigars.", "There's two in the glove compartment,\nbut he's been saving them.", "Hand me those chopsticks.", "Hey, how about some tunes?", "Oh, great song.", "These cigars aren't\nhelping at all.", "Yeah. This was a terrible idea.", "Now it just smells like a\nhomeless guy threw up in here.", "The broken windows?", "We had to make it\nlook realistic.", "Why did you break two of them?", "It looked like fun when she did it.\nSo I wanted to try.", "Can't believe this whole\ntime it was you guys.", "I've been blaming really\ntanned dancing leotard guy.", "Marshall, I'm so sorry,\nbut sharing that secret--", "that's  when Robin and\nI became best friends.", "Wow. What a special car.", "So, can I crush it into\na little cube yet?", "I don't know.\nI don't know. I don't know.", "Come on, Marshall.", "This is your Fiero.", "You know the right\nthing to do here.", "Wow, Barney,\nwhy do you love that car so much?", "Love it?", "Hold on a second.", "Love  it?", "I hate it!", "What? Why?", "Why? Why?", "Why?!", "Why?!\n- Let me tell it.", "It was last year during\nthe transit strike.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "Uh, is Marshall around?", "I have a massage in Queens in\nhalf an hour. I need a ride.", "Uh, no, he's at the library all day.\nJust take the keys.", "Hey! Why don't you drive me?", "It'll be like a\ntotal road trip.", "To Queens?", "Yeah, we'll get,\nwe'll get beef jerky, Triscuits.", "Uh, actually I have a\nlot of work to do, so.", "Okay. Well, anyway,\nI'll cancel.", "See you later.\n- Wait!", "You know how to drive, right?", "What, of course I know how to drive.\nI love driving.", "Hitting the road.", "Cruising the lanes.", "And braking.", "Honking. Love it.", "Except for lady drivers.", "Don't get me started\non lady drivers.", "Which pedal's the gas?\n- Trick question.", "No, it's not.\n- Yes, it is.", "No, it's not.\n- Middle, left, right?", "I never learned how to drive!", "I grew up in the city.\nI never had a chance.", "Well, guess what?", "You're getting your chance.\nBecause I'm going to teach you.", "Barney Stinson, buckle up.", "This isn't right.", "God never meant for us to travel\nat such breakneck speeds.", "Relax. You're doing great.", "Ignore the old lady on the rascal;\nthis isn't a race.", "Dude,  a dog.", "Zitch dogs, this. Or nothing.", "What do I do?\nTell me what to do, Ted.", "Step on the brakes.\nSometime in the next 20 minutes.", "Which? Which one's\nthe break again?", "The left one.\n- Left. Oh, man, left.", "I'm totally blanking.\n- Make the Ls.", "Oh, we're not going to make it.", "Why did you just\nturn on the radio?", "I don't know why I\nturned on the radio!", "We're going to die.\nTell me what to do, Ted.", "Relax. You're being crazy.", "Help me, Ted! I'm being serious.\n- Stop, drop and roll.", "Screaming is fun!\nScreaming is fun!", "I can't move.", "I can't... I can't feel my...", "Wait.", "Wait.", "We're okay.", "We're okay.\n- We're okay.", "It's a miracle, Ted!", "Wow. Sounds like you had\nsome accident in that car.", "Actually, he had two accidents\nif you add the fact that he...", "ummina-hummina-hummina-hummina\nummina-hummina-hummina-hummina.", "I shouldn't even be here,\nthanks to that deathtrap.", "But fate...", "fate gave me a second chance.", "And helped me realize that our days on\nthis planet are too few to squander.", "So I decided from\nthat moment on", "to continue living\nlife to its fullest.", "So you made a life-changing decision\nto not change your life at all.", "True story.", "Guys.", "This Fiero's meant\na lot to all of us.", "Friendships were made.", "Adventures had. Horrors faced.", "That's why we have\nto get rid of it.", "Yes!\n- What?", "It's lived a great life and it\ndeserves to die with dignity.", "But 200,000...", "But that's life. You know?", "You never end up where you\nthought you wanted to be.", "I'm not helping\nthe environment.", "Ted's not a philosopher.", "Lily's not not a\nworld-famous artist.", "Barney's never driven more\nthan ten miles an hour.", "Robin, I'm sure, has also experienced\ndisappointment in her life.", "Maybe?", "And my Fiero's not a Fiero\nthat went 200,000 miles.", "It's okay. You know?", "Those are old dreams.", "We'll get a new car and we'll fill\nthat one up with new memories.", "And that'll be the car we had\nwhen we were first married.", "When we owned our first house.", "Maybe even the first car\nour four kids remember.", "That's so sweet.", "The first car our\ntwo kids remember.", "I would like to say good-bye.", "You know what?", "This Fiero,\nit's effected all our lives.", "Affected.\n- That's what I said.", "Just making sure.", "Got us all a lot of places.", "I mean maybe it's time\nwe return the favor.", "This Fiero should have\nmade it to 200,000.", "So, let's get it out that door.", "And we'll push it\nthe last .7 miles.", "It'd do the same for us.", "Hey, geniuses.", "The back wheels are on blocks.\nThat car ain't going anywhere.", "Close enough!\n- Close enough!", "And so Marshall said\ngood-bye to his Fiero.", "And as the car's\nfinal gift to us all,", "the money he got for scrap parts paid\nour bar tab for the next two nights.", "Arrivederci, Fiero!", "You were the freaking\ngiving tree of cars.", "May you rust in peace.", "Rot in hell, devil steed.", "And what better friend\nis there than that?", "Bro. Have you heard\nthis new song?", "I just got the cassingle.", "Put it in.", "I am never going to\nget sick of this song.", "Never, ever, never,\nnever, ever.", "Yeah!", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team\nwww.forom.com", "Support us and become VIP member\nto remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E18 Moving Day": ["Kids, in the spring of 2007, everything\nwas great between me and Robin.", "So we decided to try\nand make it even better.", "We decided to move in together.", "So, I can have the moving\ntruck here by 8:00 am.", "Does that sound\ngood to everybody?", "By the way,\nwhat are you guys doing with Ted's room?", "'Cause if you need help with the rent,\nI'll take it.", "Why would you want\nto live with us?", "I don't call what\nyou guys do \"living.\"", "Here's the deal,\nI need a room closer to the bar.", "It takes me exactly 23 minutes", "to get a girl from the\nbar back to my apartment.", "A lot can go wrong\nin 23 minutes.", "This is going to be so hot.", "She's paying.", "I swear,\nif he doesn't call me back,", "I'm going to go\nthrough with this.", "Please hurry, sir.", "I want to do dirty\nstuff with you.", "Stuff I won't let him do.", "Every red light run\nis an extra $20.", "Baby?", "Oh, no, no, no, no, no.\nIt was all my fault.", "I am so drunk.", "When I'm this drunk,\nI go crazy!", "I bet you do.", "Check this out.", "What up NYPD?", "So close.", "See? If I had a room here all I\nhave to do is get them upstairs.", "Come on, guys. It'll be great!", "We'll come in after\nyou guys are asleep", "and I'll be gone\nbefore you wake up.", "So, you get to have sex and we get to\nwake some skanky girl up in the morning", "and kick her out?", "God, Lily.", "Some guy just told her that he loved\nher then pretended to go to the bathroom", "and never came back\nyou can't make her a cup of coffee?", "Real nice.", "Transcript : Raceman\nSubtitles : Willow's Team", "www.forom.com", "I put all your heavy jackets\nin this box marked \"winter.\"", "And all your colorful sweaters\nin this box marked \"Bill Cosby.\"", "Make fun,\nbut America loved that guy for a reason.", "Wow!", "Almost done.", "Not so fast.", "Take your sword.", "Wow.", "End of an era.\n- Yeah.", "It's a bummer to break up the set,\nbut you're going to need that sword.", "It's true--\nmy building is infested with dragons.", "Looks like our little boy\nis finally moving out.", "It seems like just yesterday\nhe was a cute little freshmen.", "Discovering Reggae\nand ultimate Frisbee.", "He did it later than the other\nkids but we never pushed him.", "We knew he'd get there.", "You haven't moved in yet,\nhave you?", "Good. You guys have\nto take this quiz.", "I found it in a magazine.", "It's called the \"Are you ready\nto move in together?\" quiz.", "Well, if it's anything like you're\n\"Are you wearing panties\" quiz,", "I'm out.", "Question one,", "Ted, \"Do you want to\nmove in with Robin?\"", "Mm. Yes.", "Oh, you got the\nfirst one wrong.", "The answer is \"no,\" you\nsecretly want to be single", "and hang out with your\nawesome friend Barney.\"", "Question two.", "Robin, \"Do you think you can\nscore a hotter guy than Ted?\"", "Correct. The answer\nwas awkward silence.", "Question three, \"Did I just make\nup this quiz to prove a point?\"", "Yes.", "Yes, I did.", "Really? You mean it's not from\nOld Yellow Legal Pad Magazine?", "So? We all agree?", "We move Ted's\nstuff back up here?", "Mm... no.\nWe're still moving in together.", "Why? This is crazy.", "Ted you're throwing your life away.\nThis girl is blinding you.", "With her shiny hair and\nher boobed shaped boobs.", "This is bad for you,\ntoo, you know.", "How are you going to feel when\nhe sees you without any makeup?", "I'm not wearing\nmakeup right now.", "Holy crap, you're beautiful.", "All right then, how will you feel when\nyou can't sneak the occasional cigarette?", "Oh, come on,\nRobin doesn't smoke.", "Wait, do you?", "Of course not. Why?", "Don't tell me how\nto live my life!", "Ted, I can't let you do this.", "Come on. This is happening.", "So instead of fighting it why,\nwhy don't you just help?", "You want me to help you?\n- Yeah.", "Okay, Ted.", "I'll help you.", "Can't believe we actually\ngot him to take a box down.", "Maybe he's finally\ngetting on board.", "Where's the truck?", "Where's Barney?", "Wait for it.", "I can't believe this! Everything\nI own in the world is in there.", "Except for this\nbox of pot lids.", "And the sword.", "I'm going to kill him.\nI swear to God I'm going to kill him!", "Right. Maybe I'll just hold on to that.\nFor now.", "Marshall, we live alone.", "This is so great!", "We can finally do all the things we always\nsaid we wanted to do if we lived alone.", "Oh, I know what I\nwant to start with.", "So, here we are, right?", "Sitting around the\napartment naked.", "Awesome.\n- Yep.", "It's not as awesome as\nI thought it would be.", "My butt itches.\n- I'm cold.", "I noticed.", "Yeah, like you're\none to talk, Pointy.", "Barney, I don't know if you\ngot my other 47 messages,", "but if my stuff isn't here within\nthe hour I'm calling the cops.", "This is the last time\nI'm calling you.", "Because my charger's in\nthe back of the truck.", "Don't worry, it's Barney.\nHe'll bring the stuff back.", "No, it's just... I was really looking\nforward to settling in, you know?", "Maybe setting up my TV.", "Watching a movie in bed.", "What?", "Do we really want a\nTV in the bedroom?", "I thought we did.", "I'm not sure that we do.", "Well, where else\nwould we put my TV?", "We could just put it in our\nstorage unit in the basement.", "But wouldn't we miss my TV?", "Would we?\n- Yes, we would.", "We've had that TV\nfor a long time", "and we would feel more at home\nif it were setup in our bedroom.", "We need wine, don't we?\n- Yes, we do.", "Should we, um,\nmove this to the bedroom?", "Why?", "Ted doesn't live here anymore.", "We can do it wherever we want.", "You know what else?", "We don't have to\nbe quiet anymore.", "We can be as loud as we want.", "Okay, I think we need to\nlay down some ground rules.", "Just because we can be loud\ndoesn't mean we have to be loud.", "And although it\nmight turn you on,", "you screaming,\n\"I'm the best,\" doesn't do much for me.", "Well, it's a lot better than yelling,\n\"Ted's not here,\" over and over again.", "Well, at least what\nI said is true.", "Well, that was unnecessary.", "Well, since I only have one box I\nfigure I might as well unpack it.", "Mm, where do you think\nwe should put it?", "Well, unless you have a separate pot\nlid room, I was thinking the cupboard.", "What?", "Uh, the thing is my\nkitchen is kind of small.", "And, um,\nI already have a bunch of pot lids", "and mine come with pots, so...", "You're saying there's no way to make\nroom for the single box of stuff", "I try to move into our place?", "Well, why don't you just\ntake it down to the...", "Do not say storage space.", "I was going to say Dumpster.", "Damn it, Robin,\nthis is all I have left in the world--", "eight pot lids and a sword.", "Yeah, about the sword.", "Hello.", "Put on the suit, Mr. Mosby.", "Barney, I know it's you.\nWhere's my stuff?", "It's not me.", "If you want to see your\nprecious possessions again,", "put on the suit.", "What suit?", "Ding-dong. Oh, what's that?\nThe doorbell.", "That's the suit\nI'm talking about.", "I haven't gotten\nto the door yet.", "Oh, okay,\nlet me know when you get there.", "Okay, I opened it.\nAnd there's a suit there.", "That's the suit\nI'm talking about.", "Barney....\n- This isn't Barney.", "But I hear that guy's awesome.", "All right.\nListen very carefully.", "You will get your stuff back if you are\nable to complete a series of challenges.", "Number one, put on the suit.", "Number two,\nmeet me at McClaren's in an hour.", "How will I know who to look\nfor since we've never met?", "I look like Barney.", "Oh, hey, Ted.", "Suit and sneakers.", "A little Ellen DeGeneres\nbut you pull it off.", "I don't have any other shoes\nbecause you stole them along", "with everything else\nI own in the world.", "Where's the truck, Barney?", "Barney.", "People's whose trucks I'm not\nholding for ransom call me Barney.", "I think you should\ncall me The Commodore.", "I'm not calling you...\n- You're not getting your stuff back.", "Can I please have\nmy stuff back...", "The Commodore?", "No.", "Here's the deal,\nTed, you're my bro.", "And you're about to become a henpecked,\nbeaten down, shell of a man.", "So tonight, we are going to have one\nlast awesome night together as bros.", "It's a bro-ing away party.", "A special bro-casion.", "A bro-choice rally.", "Bro-time at the Apollo.", "Oh, bro me.", "Well, so what do I have to do?", "No, it's not what you have to do,\nit's what you want to do,", "and you want to\nhave a good time", "before you go take Fun Ted\nout back and shoot him.", "So... first thing\non the docket...", "get me that girl's number.\n- Absolutely not.", "Mm. That's too bad.", "Hey, hypothetical question:\nif I was all your stuff,", "would I rather be at the bottom\nof the East River or The Hudson?", "Hey, look,\nworld's strongest man is on.", "Ooh, it's the one where\nLou Ferrigno pulls the bus", "from the Partridge\nfamily with his teeth.", "It's the best one.\nHey, Ted, get in...", "We live alone.\n- Yay.", "Well, I win.", "You need to give my\nfriend your phone number.", "Wow, I really didn't think Lou\nFerrigno could pull that bus.", "Are you sure this is live?\nIt looks pretty old.", "Yeah, that's 'cause the,\nuh, TV is old.", "So, I'll, uh,\ncall you tomorrow?", "Yeah. Um, not too early.\nI have church.", "You were impressive, buddy.", "Nice work.\nAll right, next challenge.", "No. No next challenge. Look, this is\nmy first night living with Robin.", "She's probably pissed I'm\nspending it out with you.", "This might be our last hurrah,\nmy little friend.", "Marshall, I am gonna cook you\nthe best dinner of your life.", "How would you like a...", "one-egg omelet with\nsome ketchup and film?", "Guess Ted's the one\nwho did the shopping.", "Ooh, look, a microwave pizza!", "Guess the microwave\nwas Ted's, too.", "Yeah.", "So were all the towels.", "Turns out that everything that was\nuseful in this apartment was Ted's.", "Everything that was a Foghat poster we\nbought ironically in college was mine.", "Marshall.", "Yeah, baby?", "I miss Ted.", "Is it too soon to call him?", "No, we shouldn't.", "I don't want to interrupt his\nfirst night living with Robin.", "Ha, nice shooting.", "You know, if we win this one it's free onion\nrings at the Intergalactic Snack Shack.", "What a bargain.", "We only had to spend\n20 bucks a game.", "Admit it, you're having fun.", "Maybe.", "I mean, it was pretty funny when that\nlittle girl fell over that space barrel.", "Nice... We win.", "Oh, walk of shame, walk of game--\nwhat up?", "Okay. Let's go one more.", "I don't know.\n- You know you want to.", "All right, let's do it--\nI just got to call Robin real quick.", "Oh, so that's what it's\ngonna be like from now on?", "No. Okay, okay. You call your old\nlady and ask permission to have fun.", "Me, I will be at the Snack Shack eating\nour victory onion rings Han style.", "Solo.", "Hey, Ted.\n- Hey, sweetie listen,", "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna be\npretty late, so don't wait up.", "Oh, it's totally fine.\nYou do what you got to do.", "Thanks. You're the best.\nI love you.", "I love you, too. Bye.", "Hey, sorry about that.\nThanks for holding.", "Um, so if you could go ahead and cancel\nmy subscription to Guns and Ammo,", "that would be great.", "No, it's a great magazine.\nReally great.", "They've printed\nthree of my letters.", "It's just that my\nboyfriend is moving in", "and he kind of doesn't approve\nof the whole gun thing.", "A free hand grenade phone?", "You know what?\nLet me give you my work address.", "I did it, baby!", "I got beer. I got food.", "We don't need Ted anymore.", "I am the provider of\nthis apartment now,", "and I have provided!", "\"Provode\"? Provided.", "Anyway, I got us\neverything we need.", "Could you toss me\nthe toilet paper?", "Be right back, baby. Sit tight.", "Hey, I got to admit, um...\nI didn't think I would, but, uh...", "I had a really\ngood time tonight.", "You're a good friend, Barney.", "Hey, man, why don't you, uh...", "why don't you tell me\nwhere my truck is.", "No, I don't think so.", "Where's my truck?!", "Do you know why I haven't given you\nany of your possessions back yet?", "Uh, because you're Admiral Jerk\nof the British Royal Douchery?", "Because you don't\nwant them back.", "You could've left at any time tonight,\nbut you didn't, Ted.", "Why is that?", "Because I didn't want to go back\nto Robin's without my stuff.", "False. You know what I think?", "I think you spent one day with\nher and it already sucked.", "I think you didn't like being there,\nshe didn't like having you there", "and you both realized that\nyou made a huge mistake.", "And that's why you spent your\nfirst night living with Robin", "out playing laser tag with me.", "And that's why\nthree seconds ago", "you didn't call it \"my place\"\nor \"our place\" or \"home,\"", "you called it \"Robin's.\"", "You know what?", "You can keep my stuff.", "Hey.\n- Hey, did you get the truck back?", "No.", "Why not? What happened?", "Oh, he pissed me off so much,\nI left.", "Anyway, I just wanted to come back here,\nspace out and watch a movie.", "Do you anything that\nwasn't made by John Woo?", "Why, do you?", "You know, forget the movie.\nI just want to sit.", "What?", "It's just I eat at that table.", "Fine, I'll take my shoes off.", "You know, why don't you just\nthrow me down in the storage space", "where you have room for me.", "Ted, come on.\n- No, you come on.", "I had to jump through\nhoops all night for Barney", "and then it took me an hour\nto get home because his place", "is so far away from the bar.", "Oh, my God.\n- What?", "I know where Barney\nput my truck.", "Let's go back to my place.", "I bet you my place is closer.", "Here we are.", "You live in the loading\ndock behind the bar?", "I don't live here, baby.\nThis is just my ride.", "No, no, no, no.\nI'm not getting into any van,", "I've seen Silence of the Lambs.", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "Oh, my God. We're drinking champagne\nin the back of a moving van.", "Why, yes, Sara. Yes, we are.", "Those other Rockettes who\ncalled you slow are crazy.", "Oh, my God. I knew it.\nYou're kidnapping me.", "Help! Help!\n- No, no, no, no.", "I can explain.", "Hello?", "Enjoying the ride?", "Ted? Ted, you let us out of here.\nYou let us out of here this instant!", "This isn't Ted.", "But I hear that guy's awesome.", "So I took Sara home and I took\nBarney to a bar near his apartment.", "Apparently, that strategy\nhad never occurred to him.", "That poor girl must've\nbeen so confused.", "Yeah.", "Well, at least Barney\nlearned a valuable lesson.", "You do not want to get scissor\nkicked in the groin by a Rockette.", "So, uh,\nI guess we should get you unpacked.", "Yeah.", "Yeah, I guess we should.", "Lily... deep within the\nAmazonian rainforest,", "there is a type of tree that only grows\naround the body of an existing tree.", "It cannot survive\nwithout this tree.", "It is supported...", "by this tree.", "Lily, we are that tree.", "The inside tree or the outside tree?\n- The outside tree.", "Shouldn't there be three trees?\n- You and I are one tree.", "Okay, look, Lily,\nthe point is that we grew around Ted", "and without him,\nwe're slowly dying.", "What do we do?", "I think we can\nmarry each other.", "But we also have to marry Ted.", "I'll tell you right now, my Dad is\nnot gonna pay for that wedding.", "Ted!", "What are you doing here?", "Robin and I aren't gonna\nmove in together after all.", "What happened?", "I thought we decided\nwe were ready?", "I know.", "How did we come to that again?", "I don't remember.\nWe were fighting?", "It's all so blurry.\n- Yeah.", "The \"let's move in together\"\nsex was pretty amazing.", "I know.", "I did that thing with no hands\nI normally need both to do.", "You know...\nI'm really happy with you.", "I really happy with you.\nThe way things are.", "Maybe we shouldn't\nmess with that.", "I don't know that we should.", "Hey... I hear the \"let's not move in\ntogether\" sex is pretty incredible.", "Let's go back to my place.", "Ooh, thank you.\n- You're welcome.", "No, thank you.\n- You'll be very happy.", "Look, I know you guys are really excited\nabout having the place to yourself.", "Until after the wedding, I mean,\nif it's not too much of an imposition...", "God, this feels so right.", "Never leave us again.", "Guys, Robin's down in the truck and\nthere's actually a lot of boxes,", "so maybe we should...", "Do we have time for this?", "Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my\nhand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list.", "The category: top ten things\nI would've called my truck...", "It was never your truck.", "...if Ted hadn't been a\njerk and given it back.", "It was a rental.", "Number ten, \"The Winne-Bango.\"", "Number nine,\n\"The Pick-Up Truck.\"", "Number eight,\n\"The Ford Explore Her.\"", "Number seven,\n\"The You Scream Truck.\"", "You Scream.", "Number six,\n\"Feels On Wheels.\" Hello!", "Number five,\n\"The Ride Her Truck.\"", "Number four, \"The 18-Squeeler.\"", "Number three, \"The Esca-Laid.\"", "Number two, \"The Slam-Boney.\"", "and... the number one thing\nI would've called my truck", "if Ted hadn't been a jerk\nand given it back...", "\"The '69 Chevy.\"", "Sorry.", "Craving big poker? Feast your eyes on Venom.\n$5 million GTD. AmericasCardroom.com"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E19 Bachelor Party": ["It took me a while to figure out", "but the key to understanding\nyour Uncle Barney is this.", "When times are hard,\nit's impossible to keep him around.", "Like when your aunt Lily\nand Uncle Marshall were broken up.", "Hey. What are you guys talking about?", "Lily.\n- I got to go.", "But when times are good,\nit's impossible to get rid of him.", "What are you guys doing?", "We just finished planning\nMarshall's bachelor party.", "Good, you haven't started yet.\nLet's talk logistics.", "Now, have you laid out\nground rules with Lily?", "Where you are or aren't allowed\nto touch or be touched?", "Show me on Ted.", "Actually, we're, uh, we're thinking\nof skipping the strippers.", "You... you want to have a party\nwithout strippers.", "This was the worse thing\nI could have said.", "You see, uncle Barney loved\ncooking up bachelor parties.", "And it was always the same recipe.", "You start with a slightly\ncramped hotel suite.", "Arrange the chairs in a circle...", "Fill them with your closest friends.", "Turn the heat up to about 90.", "Pump in a metric ton of cigar smoke.", "And then, right in the middle\nof the room, you throw in a girl.", "But not a beautiful girl--", "no, if this girl was ever beautiful,\nit was two kids,", "three tattoos and one pesky\nsubstance abuse problem ago.", "Which one of you is Stuart?", "Please, I really don't want to do this.", "Shut up, put in your mouth guard.", "Then she proceeds to do things\nthat demean the groom,", "herself and really,\nthe entire human race.", "Disgusting.", "Ah, horrifying.", "Classic.\n- Oh, please, please, no, no.", "I don't want anything like that\nhappening to me.", "Stuart's still trying\nto forget that night.", "It's my bachelor party.\nWe're not having strippers.", "Oh, he thinks he has a sain it.", "So, strippers it is!", "Now, just, uh, tell me where we're going\nto be and I'll make some calls.", "I think I can get\nthe fourth one for free.", "Quick question.\nProsthetic arm. Deal breaker?", "Barney, there is...\n- Before you say no, it has attachments.", "Subtitles : Willow's Team", "Transcript : Raceman", "www.forom.com", "Look, I know you have some stuff planned\nfor Marshall's bachelor party,", "but he really doesn't want strippers.\n- Yes, he does.", "Uh, well, he told me he doesn't.\n- Uh, well, he told me he does.", "When?\n- Every minute of every day", "as his inner animal thrashes against the\ncage of his own puritanical upbringing.", "Or do you guys not like naked girls.", "Um, we love naked girls.", "They're one of the best things\nin the world.", "It goes... naked girls, democracy,", "the scene in Every Which Way But Loose\nwhere the monkey gives a guy the finger.", "We just don't like your naked girls.\n- What, my girls aren't hot enough?", "I mean, all right, fine, the stripper at\nStuart's bachelor party was a 15.", "She was 15?\n- No, a 15. Like in blackjack.", "As in, not sure whether you'd hit it?", "Exactly.\n- Nice.", "This is important to Marshall.\nSo, promise me, no strippers.", "All right, I promise.", "I'm serious.\n- So am I. No strippers.", "Now say it without winking.", "No strippers.", "You just winked.\n- No I didn't.", "So, when the day arrived, we all climbed\ninto a rented Escalade and set out.", "Now, every bachelor party is usually\nmade up of the same stock characters.", "You've got the groom...", "the best man...", "the guy who speaks only in clich\u00e9s...\n- Dead man walking!", "...the guy who disappears\nat the beginning of the night", "and doesn't show up again until the end.", "All right, who's up for a little\nblackjack before we check in.", "No, no, no.\n- None for me.", "See you guys back at the room, then.", "And, of course, well... Barney.", "Every bachelor party has a Barney.\nOh, what's this?", "This car has a DVD player?\nYou mean,", "we could have been watching\nthese pornos the whole time?", "Yeah.\n- This one's in HD.", "This one's in H-double-D.\nOh!", "That same night, aunt Lily\nwas having a wedding shower.", "And Robin showed up gift in hand.", "Funny story about that gift.", "Hey, Barney, check out\nwhat I got Lily for her shower.", "It's kind of racy.\nThink you can handle it?", "Uh, I've been in a ten-way.\nSo, yeah.", "It's kind of see-through.\n- Whoa, ho ho!", "You weren't kidding! You know\nwhen you should give that to her?", "1850.", "Robin, it's her bridal shower!", "All her friends are gonna be there,\nthey're going to be drinking.", "You need to get her something daring,\nsomething outrageous.", "Well, what do you think\nI should get her?", "There's a store on Eighth Avenue\nthat specializes in--", "how to put this delicately?--", "uh, battery-powered, adult-\nrecreational fake penises.", "And so Aunt Robin went\nto a store on Eighth Avenue,", "and a battery-powered,\nadult-recreational...", "Well, it was something inappropriate.\nAnd we're back in.", "Robin!", "I'm so glad you're here.", "Come in, I want you to meet everybody.", "Robin, this is my Grandma Lois\nand my Aunt Florence.", "Oh, lovely to meet you, dear.", "They put this whole party together.", "It's different from what I expected,\nbut lovely.", "Lovely.", "And oh, look, there are little kids here!", "Yeah, my cousins.", "Listen, I, uh, I forgot something\nsomewhere so I'm going to just go...", "Robin, this is my mom, Janice.", "Oh, honey.\nI'm so glad to finally meet you.", "Me too.\nI, I've heard so much about you.", "Me, too. Oh, here.\nLet me take your gift.", "Can I guess what it is?\nIs it a, a, a mini food processor?", "No.\n- No? Oh.", "Oh, give me a hint.\nWhat color is it?", "Black.", "Well, I guess I'm just going\nto have to wait and see!", "Oh, great.\n- Robin...", "this is my Cousin Margaret.\n- Oh, finally, someone our own age!", "Wait, do I introduce you as\n\"Cousin Margaret\" or \"Sister Margaret?\"", "Well, I'm not officially confirmed\nas a nun until next month", "and I don't want to tick off the Big Guy,\nso let's stick with \"Cousin\" for now.", "God's watching.\nExcellent!", "Man, they spent a lot of money\non this porno.", "Whoa-- Morgan Freeman?\nMan, that guy's in everything.", "Aw, man, I grabbed\nthe wrong Deep Impact!", "No, leave it in, it's a good movie.", "But, dude, there's no sex in it.\n- Yeah, just like marriage. Huh? Right?", "Oh, oh, hey, check this out!\nDon't ask how,", "but I procured for us five loco-bueno,", "hand-rolled, highly illegal Cubans.", "Seriously, you could go to jail\nfor smoking these things.", "Marriage is like jail!\nRight, fellas?!", "But at least in jail,\nyou get to have sex!", "But we're not lighting these babies up,\ntill we get to the A.C.", "A.C.?", "Um, Atlantic City.\nTry to keep up, Brad.", "We're not going to Atlantic City.", "Just a second, Brad.", "Hi.\n- Hi.", "We're still going\nto Atlantic City, right?", "Oh, did I not tell you? Yeah, we\nswitched it. We're going to Foxwoods.", "Foxwoods?", "But I've got an ipperstray\nwaiting in tlanticaay itycay.", "What the heck's in Foxwoods?", "Well, we've got five third row seats\nto the Popinski-Salazar rematch.", "They've set aside\nour very own craps table,", "and I reserved a private room\nfor us at Connelly's,", "where the five of us are going\nto be sharing a 102-ounce steak", "from a cow that I picked out\non the Internet.", "Yeah.\n- Great. The night's ruined.", "Sorry, Barney.\nIt was an honest mistake.", "This is going to be great!", "Meat, violence,\nthrowing money down the toilet.", "America-- one;\nevery other country-- zero.", "Thanks, guys.\n- Yeah.", "You okay, Barney?\n- What can I say, Ted? You won.", "Hi.", "You one... sad, pathetic loser.", "Boys, say hello to Treasure.", "Hi, Treasure.", "I can't believe that you did this.\n- I had to.", "I'm your best man.\n- Ted's my best man.", "You've yet to make a decision\nand that's fine.", "But as your best-man-to-be, it's my job\nto make sure at your bachelor party", "you see a woman take her clothes off while\ndancing to Whitesnake's \"Here I Go Again.\"", "All right, fine, but...\nlet's make it fast, all right.", "The fight starts in an hour\nwe don't want to miss it.", "It's a girl taking her clothes off.\nHow long can it take?", "It's a bit more complicated than that.", "I need two grounded sockets, a large\nsterile pot filled with hot water", "and you all need to sign these releases.", "An egg beater!\nAw, thank you, Aunt Sylvia!", "I love that it's cordless.", "Well, at least I got that part right.", "All of these gifts are so thoughtful.", "Lily?", "I need you to look at me right now\nand read my mind.", "Oh, my God! You're hearing me!\n- Yeah!", "Sorry this party's so boring.\nWhat's up?", "Do not open my gift.\nSee what I'm doing here?", "I'm looking over at the gift,\nthen back at you,", "and I'm shaking my head, \"no.\"", "Gift. You. No.", "Are you getting that?\n- I totally got it.", "Here you go.", "Lily said it was your time of the month.", "You're welcome.", "What are you doing?", "Oh, just, um... rearranging the gifts.\nThe pile looked a bit precarious. So...", "Oh, don't worry, I'll keep an eye on it.", "Great. You do that.", "You're gonna make a damn good nun.", "As many times as Robin told\nthis story over the years,", "she would never quite be able\nto explain the logic of her next move.", "Is this a strip show or a Kiss concert?", "Shh! She's starting.", "Please turn off your cell phones,\npagers and sense of shame.", "All right, boys. Lie back, get\ncomfortable, and enjoy the show.", "Of course there's no way\nI'm telling you about her show.", "So, let's skip ahead a little.\n- Ow!", "Oh my God, are you all right?", "No, I am not all right, you idiot.\nMy ankle is broken!", "Take me to the hospital!\n- Um, actually, we have tickets.", "You know what?\nThanks a lot, Barney.", "She told you at the beginning of the show", "not to use the smoke machine\nwhen she's on the hippity hop.", "Now I'm going to have to spend the rest\nof my bachelor party in a hospital.", "Well, hey, maybe\nwe'll get to see her X-rays.", "The ultimate strip show.", "X-rays. More like triple X-rays.\n- Just stop.", "Which exit is the hospital?", "What if she doesn't make it\nto the hospital?", "Barney, please calm down.", "Maybe we should just\ntake her to the desert,", "bury her and wash our hands\nof this whole thing!", "Dude, what is the matter with you?", "I'm just trying to illustrate\nto Marshall that as his best man...", "You're not my best man.\n- As his best man,", "I would help him bury\na hooker in the desert.", "I'm not a hooker.\n- And you're not my best man.", "You've ruined my bachelor party.", "I don't know why you wouldn't just listen\nto me when I said I didn't want this.", "Well, the fight started ten minutes ago.\nMaybe-maybe we should listen.", "Oh, Doctor, what a fight!", "That knockout will be talked about\nfor years to come!", "Anyone lucky enough to be\nin the arena tonight", "just witnessed boxing history\nin the making!", "Thank you so much, Margaret. I can't\nbelieve you carved that crucifix yourself.", "So talented.", "Didn't think you could carve.", "For you.\nOh. And this one's from...", "Grandma Lois.\n- Oh. No, wait, darling.", "Before you open this,\nI-I want to say a few words.", "Okay, something you need to know.", "Grandma Lois thought she was giving her\ngranddaughter an antique sewing machine.", "And we're back in.", "Honey, this handy little device has been\nin our family for generations.", "I used it,\nyour great grandmother used it.", "Now, her mother didn't use this one,\nbut she used one just like it.", "Of course, back then,\nthey were made out of wood.", "And, uh, I guess before that,\nyou just had to do it by hand.", "Would you pass the wine, please?\n- No.", "Hey, Marshall,", "while we're here, you may as well\ngo down to the morgue and", "climb into a drawer, 'cause\nthat's what marriage is like.", "Can I get an amen?", "Is everything all right at home, Stuart?\n- No.", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "It's broken.", "Oh, damn it, this is bad.\nI really can't lose this job.", "My daughters are about to start school,\nand my fianc\u00e9, well...", "ever since he got back from Iraq,\npretty much all he does is drink.", "I think about leaving him, but...", "I don't want my girls growing up\nwithout a dad like I did.", "I don't want them\nto know what that's like.", "So, show time?\n- What is the matter with you?", "Her ankle's broken.", "I know for a fact that\nthe second half of her act", "takes place largely\nin a seated or supine position.", "Oh, that's true.", "Treasure, please,\ndon't worry about the show.", "Uh, we'd feel bad.", "What does that mean?", "No. We just mean, uh,\nyou're off the hook.", "You don't have to do it.", "I don't have to do it?\nWell, guess what?", "I know I don't have to do it.\nI do it because I am good at it.", "Look, I don't need your pity.", "All I want to do is give you a great show\nbecause you're getting married!", "Is that so much to ask?\nIs that such a major inconvenience?!", "Oh, that is wrong.", "Oh, that's just so wrong.", "Well, the doctor did say for her\nto keep it elevated.", "When I was a girl, my mother taught me\nand my sister to use it.", "We used to have contests\nto see who could finish faster.", "It was so exciting. The whole family\nwould gather around to watch.", "And when I was a new bride,\nthis is what kept me buzy", "all those long nights when\nyour grandfather was in Korea.", "And speaking of your grandfather,", "though I don't think he'd care to admit\nthis to any of his army buddies, but...", "he'd have a go at it\nevery once in a while.", "And he enjoyed it.", "Oh, open it up, sweetie.", "May this give for you as much joy\nas it's brought me.", "Grandma, um...", "Wow.", "Well, take it out, honey.\nI want to show you how to use it.", "Okay, no, no!\nDon't take it out.", "Lily, that's not your grandma's gift.\nIt's mine.", "I panicked, and I switched the cards\nbecause I was embarrassed.", "Well, what is it?", "It's just like the one Miranda gave\nto Charlotte on Sex and the City.", "Oh, I love that show.\nI always watch it on TBS.", "Oh, you would.\nYou're such a Samantha!", "Oh, I'm a Carrie!\nYou're a Samantha!", "And then the night became\na whole new kind of uncomfortable.", "So where do I get one of these?\n- Mom!", "Man, what a show, huh?", "She did some disgusting stuff.\nReally sticks with you.", "I may be done eating.", "Me, too.", "I mean, like, forever.", "Me, too.", "I miss my wife.", "Hey, let's go around the table\nand say what our favorite part was.", "Mine was that thing with the typewriter.", "I mean, she made some\nspelling mistakes, but still.", "Ooh, and you guys were all,\n\"Barney, put out the cigar!", "It's a non-smoking room!\" And I was all,\n\"Hell, no, this is a Cuban!\"", "Of course, eventually,\nI did put it out.", "Did I put it out?", "I put it out.", "Did I put it out?", "I put it out.", "Did I put it out?", "It was a small fire, not even big enough\nto force an evacuation of the hotel,", "but definitely big enough\nto get us kicked out,", "and bring Marshall's\nbachelor party to an early end.", "Is that...?", "It is.", "Hey, guys.", "How was the fight?", "Hey, what are you guys doing here?\nWhat happened to the bachelor party?", "We missed the fight, dinner was ruined,", "we spent half the night in the hospital,\nand got kicked out of the hotel.", "What do you think happened?\n- Barney. Barney.", "Hey, I was just trying\nto be a good best man.", "You know what a best man does, Barney?\nHe does what the groom wants.", "But all you ever think about is\nwhat you want, what's best for you.", "Best man?", "I'm not even sure I'm inviting you\nto the wedding at this point.", "You don't mean that.", "Why should I invite you?\nYou don't even want us to get married.", "That's not true.", "Lily, don't.", "What?", "I'm sorry, Barney.", "It happened last summer\nwhen we were broken up.", "Hey, what are you guys talking about?", "Lily.\n- Ah, I got to go.", "Newark Airport, please.", "Yeah, yeah, yeah.\nBarney, what are you doing here?", "I can't believe it's really you.\nCome in, have a seat.", "Do you want some tea?\nI know the apartment's small,", "but I don't need much space.\nLet me show you some of my paintings.", "I think it's some of my best work ever.\nJust stop it.", "Lily, you have to come home.\nYou and Marshall belong together.", "The two of you", "have something that most people search\ntheir whole lives for and never find.", "I know you love him, and if you knew\nwhat he was going through right now,", "you wouldn't be here\nfor one more second.", "I bought you a ticket home.", "Marshall is one\nof the best people I know,", "and it won't be long until\nsomeone else realizes that,", "and you'll lose him forever.", "I can't stand the thought\nof that happening,", "and I cannot keep stealing\nchicks from him forever.", "Never, ever tell anyone I was here.\nI will deny it tooth and nail.", "This trip never happened.", "Hey, if you had three hours to kill\nbefore your flight, what would you do--", "Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf?", "You really did that?", "Marshall, I think Barney's\nyour best man.", "Yeah.", "Yes, he is.", "See, Lily?\nThis is why I didn't...", "Really?\n- Really.", "Real...", "In your face, loser!", "Take it easy, all right.\nTed's still my best man, too.", "You guys are co-best men.", "Right.\nYes, we're both best man.", "No, um, seriously.\nYou guys are co-best men.", "Of course.", "I can't believe you got me this.", "Oh, I only did it as a joke.\nI can return it for you you want.", "Oh, no, it's okay. You don't have\nto go all the way back down there.", "I'll, I'll just throw it away.\n- Well, I mean,", "if you were going to throw it away,\nmaybe I'll take it", "in case I get invited\nto another wedding shower.", "It's a great gag gift.\n- Yeah, it's really funny.", "You know who would get a kick out of it?", "Marshall.", "So, so maybe I'll just hold on to it.", "I would be embarrassed if Marshall\nfound out that I bought it for you,", "so I'd better just take it.\n- Robin, leave it.", "Subtitles : Willow's Team\nTranscript : Raceman\nwww.forom.com", "Support us and become VIP member\nto remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E20 Showdown": ["...some weird stuff started happening.", "Why does my stomach hurt?", "I'm sorry, baby.\nI ate a bunch of ice cream earlier today.", "Oh, baby, you know\nwe're lactose-intolerant.", "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.", "Are you suggesting that\nwhen one of you feels something,", "the other feels it, too?\n- Oh, God, you guys are so codependent.", "No, we're not.\n- Oh, really?", "What about the other day?", "Oh, I need to get some eggs.\n- Oh, I'll come with you.", "Just because we like spending time\ntogether doesn't mean we're codependent.", "Really?", "Then whatever happened to your plan\nof spending the last two weeks", "before your wedding sleeping apart?", "Okay, we decided not\nto do that because of...", "Logistics.", "Wedding logistics.\n- Frickin' logistics, man.", "They mess everything up.", "You didn't do it\nbecause you couldn't do it.", "Sure we could.\n- Then why don't you?", "You can stay with me.", "It would make our wedding\nnight more special.", "Okay, let's do it.\n- Done.", "I'm gonna go grab a beer.\n- I'll come with you.", "No. I'll stay.", "Subtitles : Willow's Team", "Transcript : Raceman", "www.forom.com", "Okay, I know.\nYou know? I got to go.", "Good-bye.", "My mom's driving me cra....", "God, you guys are covered in sauce.", "We'll get to that.\nMe first.", "My mom is driving me crazy\nabout the wedding music.", "The woman takes one cruise\nto Jamaica, and suddenly, it's", "\"not a party without steel drums.\"", "Doesn't everybody know\nyou're not supposed to stress out", "a bride right before her wedding?!", "Okay, sauce, go.", "Long story. I'll tell you later.\n- Yeah.", "It's a dirty story, isn't it?", "You guys went out to dinner,\ndid it in the kitchen and got caught.", "Scherbatsky reeks of\nsomeone who likes to get caught.", "Okay, now I have to wash up\nfor two reasons.", "Oh, you didn't.\nThat's right.", "So you and Lily really think\nyou can spend two weeks apart?", "You know what, Barney?", "Lily and I are a lot less chees\nthan you make us out to be.", "Marshmallow, don't forget\nto pack my night-night tape.", "Night-night tape?", "Did you make a tape of\nyou saying \"night-night\" to her?", "No.\n- He doesn't say it. He sings it.", "Oh, that is so sweet.", "Why don't you kiss?\nI love it when two chicks make out.", "Damn it.", "Nobody's bought us anything cool yet off our registry.", "What's on there?\n- Ooh, lots of stuff.", "Kitchen Aide Artisan Series\ntilt-head stand mixer...", "Retail price $319.99.\nWhat else?", "Um, the Dyson DC17 Animal vacuum.", "Ah, $549.99.\nA little greedy, don't you think?", "Did you memorize our registry?\n- No, I'm training.", "Training? For what?\n- I'm glad you asked.", "Ted, Robin, get in here!", "You guys know how it's hard to be\nfriends with me 'cause I'm so awesome?", "Yes, it's hard to be friends with you.\nGo on.", "Well, this isn't going\nto make it any easier.", "I am going to be on...\nThe Price Is Right.", "No way!\n- What?!", "Yes, in a couple days, Rich Fields\nis going to call out my name,", "and I will come on down.\n- Whoa, that is so awesome.", "Barney, I didn't know you were\nsuch a fan of The Price is Right.", "Are you kidding?", "T.P.I.R. is not just an indescribably\nentertaining hour of television,", "it's a microcosm of\nour entire economic system--", "a capitalist utopia, where consumers\nare rewarded for their persistence,", "market acumen and intrepid spirit.", "I gaze upon the glory of The Price Is Right,", "and I see the face of America.", "And it is divine.", "Plus, you know,\nhot chicks on sports cars.", "Then Lily headed out to Robin's\nfor her first night away from Marshall.", "I'm ready!\n- Ta-da-da-da-da...", "Wow, Lily, you look so beautiful.\n- I know! I'm beautiful!", "I'm a fairy princess!", "I'm too skinny for my dress!", "Meanwhile, I was testing out\nmy best man toast on Marshall.", "Here goes.", "Hello, everyone, I'm Ted Mosby,\nMarshall's best man.", "Strong opening, right?\nThat's fantastic.", "When Marshall graduates\nthis spring, he'll be a lawyer.", "But did you know that\nMarshall has a criminal record?", "That's right, on a road trip\nup to Cape Cod,", "Marshall was pulled over for driving\nby himself in a car pool lane.", "Oh, crap.", "Oh, crap.", "Are you crazy?", "You cannot tell that story\nat my wedding.", "My entire family's gonna be there.", "My little cousins, my mom, my grandma,\nmy grandpa the minister.", "That grandpa died three years ago.", "His favorite grandson\nis getting married, Ted.", "I think he can take a day off from\nhaunting the barn to make an appearance.", "Whoo!", "Whoo-whoo!", "Whoo!", "Whoo-hoo!", "Oh, yeah!\nOh, yeah!", "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!\nOh, yeah!", "So which one, \"A\" or \"B\"?\n- What was that?", "I have to decide how to run\nto contestant's row when they say,", "\"Barney Stinson, come on down!\"", "Oh, I didn't realize that's what it was.\nCan you do them again?", "Yeah, of course.", "Hey! Very funny.", "Just for that, when I win all the prizes,\nthe only thing you guys are getting", "is Rice-A-Roni and Turtle Wax.", "It's $300 just to take the bust in?", "Oh, please, you have to have\nsome sympathy for me.", "I'm getting married next Saturday,\nand I'm too skinny for my dress.", "I lost all this weight\nwithout even trying.", "Hello?", "What happened?\n- She called me a bitch and hung up.", "Oh, I don't know what to do.\nI guess I'll just have to pay the $300.", "Pay the $300?\nLily, are you crazy?", "This isn't a problem.\nIt's a license to eat.", "Look, what have you always wanted to eat but\ndidn't because it was too ridicuusly decadent?", "Ooh, a Valrhona chocolate souffl\u00e9\nwith a raspberry brandy sauce", "topped with caramelized bananas\nand hazelnut gelato.", "I have Cool Whip and half a bag of Fritos.", "Done!", "Okay, think you're gonna be\nhappy with my new toast.", "There's nothing sexual.", "It's, uh, it's just the story of an\nimportant moment in your relationship.", "I'm all ears.", "Hello, everyone, I'm Ted Mosby,\nMarshall's best man.", "Nice.\n- Right? That's great.", "Back when we were all freshman", "and Marshall and Lily were just a few\nshort weeks into their relationship...", "It was 4:00 in the morning, and I'm not\ngonna lie, we were a wee bit wasted.", "We were starving.", "So I'd gone out to get us some\nsnacks, and when I got back...", "I love you.\n- I love you, too.", "I know it's soon to say it,\nbut I'm so glad you did.", "Yeah.", "So here's what you want to talk\nabout in front of my entire family:", "drinking, having a girl in my room,\neating junk food.", "Dude, you're almost 30. Your mom would\nbe mad at you for eating junk food?", "Yeah, Ted, 'cause nutrition's\nnot important.", "Also, so Lily's never heard\nthat story before.", "How's she going to react when she finds out\nthe first time I said \"I love you\" to her,", "I was actually saying it to you\nand a bag of Funyuns?", "But who cares? You did love her.\nAnd you still do.", "And you're totally over Funyuns,\nso it's not weird.", "Hey, Lil.\n- Hey.", "Hey? That's it?", "What are you talking about?", "Well, you guys have been spending\nthe last few nights apart.", "I figured there'd be a lot of giggling,\ncrying, jumping up and down,", "and then whatever Lily would do.", "Now, one thing I remember about\nthe bar menu at McClaren's", "is that there were no fewer than\n11 different deep-fried appetizers.", "That night, Aunt Lily ordered them all.", "Check it out.", "Okay, imagine... imagine, if you will,", "that this is the $1 space\non The Price Is Right wheel.", "Ready?", "Oh, wow, that was pretty close.", "Close?", "Close?! It's called The Price Is Right,\nnot The Price Is Close!", "Oh, man, this is bad.", "If I don't win the spin-off, and I can't\nget into the Showcase Showdown,", "everything's ruined!\nIt's all ruined!", "What is ruined?\nWhy, why is this such a big deal?", "Okay, guys... sit down,\nI've got to tell you something.", "The reason I'm going on The Price Is Right", "is because I've decided that it's time\nfor me to meet my real father.", "Your father?\n- That's right.", "My father... is Bob Barker.", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "Your dad... is Bob Barker?\n- That's right.", "The host of The Price Is Right,\nBob Barker?", "That's Pops.", "Barney?\n- Yes, Robin?", "Why in the world do you think\nBob Barker is your father?", "Uh, because my mother told me\nhe was, that's why.", "Mom, who's my dad?", "All the other kids at school\nknow who their dad is.", "Who's mine?\n- Oh, I don't know.", "That guy.", "Look, Dad, I got straight A's!", "Hey, Dad, guess who I'm going\nas for Halloween?", "Want to play some catch, Pop?", "So now I'm gonna go to L.A.,\nbe on the show,", "win the Showcase Showdown,", "make him proud of me,\nand then tell him who I am.", "You're gonna tell Bob Barker that\nyou're his son on national television?", "Why is this so hard for you\npeople to believe?", "Drop the popper!", "Lily has to gain five pounds\nin a week and a half,", "and it is my job to help her get there.", "This is the best wedding diet ever.", "I lost a pound.\n- That is impossible.", "You ate McDonald's\nevery meal for three days.", "I knew that Super Size\nMe guy was full of it.", "Well, it must be the wedding stress.\nWe just got to up the intake.", "Lily Aldrin, drop and give me\n20 bites of fudge!", "Okay?", "Don't nibble at it.\nAttack it!", "Come on, Lily.\nYou can do better than that!", "I can't.", "Well, eat faster, before\nyour body figures out it's full.", "I'm trying.\nOh, are you gonna cry?", "You gonna cry?\nSkinny little baby's gonna cry?", "Well, eat, damn it, eat!\n- Okay!", "Hey, so I think I figured out how to do\nyour toast in a completely appropriate way.", "Finally.\n- Yeah.", "Good evening. I'm Ted Mosby,\nMarshall's best man.", "Still strong, right?\n- Great, yeah.", "I'd like to share with you all a story\nabout the momentous evening last fall", "when Marshall and Lily got back together.", "Afterward, we stayed up\ntill 10:00 at night,", "doing shots of chocolate milk.\n- Man, I'm well nourished right now!", "Calcium promotes healthy teeth and bones.", "Thanks, Marshall, for teaching us\nyou don't need alcohol to have fun.", "Oh, don't thank me. Thank my parents\nfor teaching me good values.", "Now, I wasn't supposed\nto hear this next part,", "but Marshall leaned over\nto Lily and whispered.", "You know what I'd like\nto do to you right now?", "I'd like to hold your hand.", "I'd like to hold your hand so hard", "that you're not able\nto shake hands for a week.", "Are you just going to talk about holding\nmy hand or are you going to hold it?", "Then a little later, Robin caught them...", "Oh, um... ...holding hands.", "It was a lovely and responsible night.", "To Marshall and Lily.", "That's the worst toast\nI've ever heard, dude.", "It's totally boring.\n- Exactly.", "It's impossible to write a good toast\nwith you censoring me, man.", "I give up.", "I'm just going to read that thing\nabout Jesus and the footprints.", "I give up, too.\nI don't care if my dress doesn't fit.", "I can't eat anymore.", "I-I feel like my stomach's going to explode.", "I know.", "And so, Lily and I were\nboth about to give up,", "but as you can all see,\nLily does look beautiful in that dress,", "and here I am giving a toast.", "You know, all this time, I'd been\nwracking my brain trying to", "pick out the perfect moment to capture\nLily and Marshall as a couple.", "But then I realized the perfect\nmoment wasn't", "some needle lost in the haystack\nof their ten years together.", "The perfect Lily and Marshall\nmoment happened two nights ago.", "Marshall, what are you doing?", "Going to the bathroom.", "In the hall?", "Sleepwalking?", "You're wide awake.", "Robbing us?\n- Dude.", "Turns out, all week long he'd been\nsneaking out to a hotel on 72nd,", "to meet Lily.", "God, I missed you.\n- I can't sleep without you.", "Hey, baby?", "Would you be the big spoon for a while?\n- Sure, baby.", "How's the weight gaining going?\n- Ugh, terribly.", "I'm too stressed out without you around.", "Well, I'm here now.", "And so Lily and Marshall failed in\ntheir experiment with apartness,", "but they succeeded\nin getting Lily into her dress.", "You know, there really are a million things\nI could tell you about Lily and Marshall,", "but really, the only thing\nyou need to know is", "that ten years into their relationship,", "they still couldn't spend\na single night apart.", "May they never have to again.", "To Lily and Marshall.\nTo Lily and Marshall.", "Now, kids, the story of Lily and\nMarshall's wedding is a good one.", "No matter how perfectly you plan your...", "You know, wait a second, guys.\nI'll get to that.", "First, I've got to tell you\nwhat happened with Barney.", "Rich, what is the name\nof our next participant?", "Bob, it's Barney Stinson!\n- Come on down!", "You're the next contestant\non The Price Is Right.", "Nooo. Oh, my God!", "Working his way out.", "High-five here, high-five there.", "A big old hug here.\n- Oh, my God!", "Yeah, I know, the camera loves me.", "Welcome to contestant's row, Barney.\nNice suit.", "Thanks, Da... Bob.\n- Here is the next item up for bid!", "Bob, the stylish his-and-her watches\nfeature an 18k gold bezel and crown", "and stainless steel bands.", "And Barney, what do you bid on that?", "Um... Wrong.", "Wrong.", "Wrong.", "Wrong.", "Retail price is $1,349.99, so, since\nyou round off, I'll say $1,350, Bob.", "$1,350 for Barney.\n- So, was it $1,350?", "I don't know.", "Was it?\n- Oh, my God!", "Happy wedding.", "Barney, you won that camcorder\nin just one second!", "That is impressive.\nI mean impressive.", "Thank you, Bob.", "Now, to win the computer,\nyou're going to have to bid again,", "and again I will say higher or lower.", "And let's show the audience\nthe price of the computer,", "and audience, please,\ndo not try to help us.", "And the clock will start\nwith your first bid.", "$1 billion.\n- Lower.", "So, I brought some photos\nthat I thought you might like to see.", "This is me on my first birthday.\n- Yes, Barney.", "This is...\n- What are you doing?", "Uh, spending some quality\ntime with my dad.", "That's very nice, but look, the clock is moving.", "You have only about 16 seconds.\nKeep bidding.", "No, no, I want you to see this. This is great.\n- Keep bidding.", "This is me at my graduation.\nI know, the hair.", "That, no, that's nice.\nThat's nice.", "You have only five, four,\nthree, two, one...", "$999.\n- Nine...", "Barney, you got it exactly right!", "Happy wedding again!\n- Oh, my...", "I have to be honest, Bob. The big wheel\nis the only weak part of my game.", "I'm sure you'll do just fine, son.", "Did you just...", "I'm ready, Bob.\n- Do it! Do it! Here we go!", "He's looking for the dollar.", "It's going around, and around...\n- Oh, no, you spun it too hard.", "No, he didn't spin it hard enough.", "Here it comes, Barney.", "You got it!\nYou won...", "But Barney...\nBarney, you're not through.", "You've won $1,000.\nYou've won a place in the showcase.", "You are doing splendidly so far.", "Thank you, would you, would\nyou say you're proud of me?", "Sure.", "That was kind of a weird moment.", "Very well, Barney, you have seen\nthe first showcase.", "Do you want to bid on it\nor do you want to pass it to Millie?", "Please, no car and an above-ground spa?\nPass.", "Millie, he has passed this showcase\nto you. What do you bid on it?", "$17,640.\n- $17,640.", "Overbid!\nNow, let's see Showcase #2.", "Barney, your showcase\nbegins with a mystery.", "Oh, I love this.", "I can't believe how excited I am right now.", "Barney, you have seen your showcase.\nWhat do you bid on it?", "Please, please.", "Please.", "Let me.", "1-8-4-2-1.", "I don't even know what we're going to do\nwith a dune buggy, but I want it!", "And the actual retail price\nof your showcase is...", "$14,628.\n- $14,628. Millie, you are over.", "Too bad.", "Barney, you bid $18,421 on your showcase.", "And the actual retail price of Barney's\nshowcase is... $18,421 exactly right!", "You win both showcases, Barney.\n- Oh, my God!", "Bob Barker, reminding you,\nhelp control the pet...", "Before, before we wrap up the show, there's\njust something I want to say to you.", "Congratulations on 35 wonderful\nyears hosting The Price Is Right.", "Well, thank you, Barney.", "Thank you...\nHave your pets spayed or neutered.", "Why didn't you tell him?", "Well, it's just...", "If you lived your whole life\nthinking one thing,", "it would be pretty devastating\nto find out that wasn't true.", "I just don't think Bob\ncould have handled it.", "Bob. Yeah.\n- Probably a good choice.", "Anyway, on the bright side.", "Happy wedding again!", "And that's the story of how\nUncle Barney gave", "Lily and Marshall a dune buggy\nfor their wedding.", "Um, I thought since we're going to be apart for two whole weeks,", "I would sing you your night-night song.", "Night-night, Lily", "Night-night, Lily", "It's time to go to bed, oh, my silly,\nlittle Lily Time to rest your little head", "Sha-la-la-la-la", "Sha-la-la-la-la", "Come on, Ted.\n- No, it's weird.", "You promised.", "Sha-la-la-la-la", "Sha-la-la-la-la", "Sha-la-la-la-la", "Subtitles : Willow's Team\nTranscript : Raceman\nwww.forom.com", "Support us and become VIP member\nto remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E21 Something Borrowed": ["In May of 2007,\nAunt Lily and Uncle Marshall got married", "at the historic Van Smoot\nHouse in upstate New York.", "Wow, it's beautiful, Lily.", "Yeah. It's just how\nI always pictured it.", "Well, that was a load of crap.", "You see, kids, when you get married,\nyou learn a hard lesson.", "The wedding you set out to have is\nalmost never the wedding you end up with.", "So, we've decided on a small,\noutdoor wedding,", "just family and close friends.", "No more than 25 people", "in a beautiful\ngarden somewhere,", "maybe an acoustic\nguitar playing", "while we walk down the aisle.", "And maybe you already know someone\nwho went down to the courthouse", "and registered as an officiant", "so that he or she-- he--", "could perform the ceremony.", "But you hate marriage.\nWhy do you want to perform the ceremony?", "Because it subtly implants in\nthe mind of every woman there", "that when I ask a question,", "you say, \"I do.\"", "Yeah.", "The closer you get\nto the big day,", "the more concessions you make.", "Great. Now my mom's making\nme invite the Lessners.", "This puts our numbers\nin the triple digits.", "Wow. I guess sometimes,\nLessner is more... ner.", "You know how like\nsometimes less is more.", "Yeah. This is one of\nthose times, sweetie?", "You know what? That's okay.\nIt'll be a slightly big outdoor wedding.", "So it's not going to be an\noutdoor wedding anymore.", "Marshall's dad is convinced if we\nhave an outdoor wedding in New York,", "he's going to get mugged,\nso it's going to be inside now.", "It'll be great. We're still going\nto have our acoustic guitar player.", "So now,\ninstead of an acoustic guitar,", "we're having a harp player.", "Yeah. My dad owes a guy, and...\nthat guy's daughter plays the harp.", "Is she hot? I'd love to be able to\ncross \"harp player\" off my list.", "How long is this list?", "Dude, I'm not gonna count\nhow many pages the list is.", "I'm not crass.", "Well, it doesn't matter anyway.\nShe's pregnant.", "Sweet! I can cross\noff two things.", "Transcript: Raceman", "Subtitles: Willow's Team", "www.forom.com", "And the day arrives for Lily and\nMarshall's very big indoor wedding...", "with a harp.", "Hi, Lily.", "Wow. Andrea.", "You really are pregnant.", "Yeah.", "How do you play the harp\nwith your belly so...?", "Oh, I don't really--\nI can only reach about half the strings.", "You only play half the harp?", "Yeah.", "Oh, no. Uh, okay.\nLily, I will take care of this.", "Um, I'll just pluck the other half.\nIs it hard to learn?", "I've been studying\nthe harp for 12 years.", "Yeah, but I'm a fast learner.", "You ever hear of \"Guitar Hero\"?\nLearned that in a day.", "Is there a \"Harp Hero\"?", "Robin, it's fine.", "So, so, when are you due?", "Tuesday.", "Wow, that's soon.", "Last Tuesday.", "Holy crap, we have to fire her.", "She's gonna drop a shorty in\nthe middle of your ceremony.", "Robin, I'm not going\nto freak myself out.", "I hate those women who say,", "\"Oh, my wedding\nhas to be perfect.\"", "Things go wrong. Sometimes the\ndeejay screws up your playlist.", "Sometimes you slip on placenta\nduring the recessional.", "Can I grab a scotch\nand soda real quick?", "No. I'm not allowed to serve\nanything until the reception.", "Wow. You just cost\nyourself a big tip, buddy.", "I'm not allowed to\naccept tips, buddy.", "You allowed to\naccept criticism?", "You, sir, are an ass... buddy.", "Hey, you want to know what line\ndoesn't work on a harp player?", "\"Hey, baby, want to pluck?\"", "Really? That didn't work.", "Not even a little.", "Hey! Who's Bill?", "Bill?", "Yeah. This guy came\nup to me at the bar.", "Can I ask you something?", "Where in the ceremony is the place\nwhere they ask if anyone objects?", "Uh... Don't think\nthey do that anymore.", "Oh, so when do you think\nsomeone should do it?", "Just wait for a lull or what?", "Oh, no.", "Did he look like a guy who tried\nto be an umpire but failed?", "He kind of did.", "That's Scooter.", "Your high school\nboyfriend, Scooter?", "His real name is Bill.", "My mom must have invited him.", "Why? Why would she do that?", "Our families are really close.", "But my ex-boyfriend?", "Come on, Mom.", "I didn't invite that professional\nsquash player Dad busted you with.", "Oh, I need a glass of wine.", "I'll get it.", "Oh, thanks.\nHey, how's Marshall doing?", "He's great.", "He's about to get his hair cut.", "Oh. I'm worried my cousin's\ngoing to cut it too short.", "Me, too. I was up all night.", "Hello, Lily.", "Hey, Bill.", "Hey, Barney.", "Scooter, what are\nyou doing here?", "It's not \"Scooter\" anymore.", "It's Bill.", "A lot of things have\nchanged about me, Lily,", "but one hasn't.", "I still love you.", "And I came here\nto win you back.", "You're really cute.\nOh, no. Really?", "Lily, I-I know it's crazy,", "but I love you,", "and if you can\nlook me in the eye", "and tell me that you\nwant to marry Marshall,", "I will leave right now and\nbe out of your life forever.", "I want...", "I want...", "Scooter!", "I need a glass of wine.", "And I need you to\nget out of my face.", "It's for the bride, so...", "White or red?", "White.", "And, uh...\nshe'd also like a scotch and soda.", "You got it.", "She'd also like a bowl\nof smoked almonds.", "I don't have any,", "but I guess I could run out\nto the corner and get some.", "Well, it's only the biggest\nday of her life, so...", "Let the games begin.", "Here. Can't stay.\nGot to try something.", "Maybe my words won't\nchange your mind,", "but maybe the words\nof a poet will.", "I read from \"November Rain.\"", "By W. Axl Rose.", "That is a good song.", "Barney said you needed me to\nbounce some guy named Scooter?", "What's up with Bill?", "That's Scooter.", "I'm on it.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "Can I have your phone number?", "No.", "It's for the bride.", "Oh. Hold on.\nLet me go get a pen.", "The bride wants\nyou to walk slower.", "Oh, wow.", "Oh. Robin...", "My makeup looks\nperfect right now,", "and I'm about to cry.\nDo something.", "I have hairy nipples.", "Really?", "No, but it worked, didn't it?", "Hey. Funny story.", "I tackled this guy I\nthought was Scooter.", "Turns out it was\nyour photographer.", "Don't worry. I got this sweet\ncamera phone, so we're covered.", "There's a photographer?", "Oh, my God.", "Okay, I just have to call...\n- Robin, stop. Stop.", "It's okay.", "I am not gonna let\nanything get to me today.", "I just got a call from the florist.\nThe flowers won't be here", "till halfway through\nthe ceremony.", "I'm okay.", "I hate to bother you, but... I think\nI found your veil in the parking lot.", "I'm fine.", "Just FYI: my water broke.", "But I can probably...", "...make it through.", "Totally cool.", "Oh, no.", "Lily, I think I forgot\nyour bridal panties.", "I-I thought I had them.\nI'm so sorry.", "Oh, it's okay,\nI'll just wear the ones I have on.", "Are you sure?", "I'm marrying Marshall today.", "So it doesn't even matter that\nI'm gonna walk down the aisle", "without a veil in a room\nthat has no flowers", "to the music of half a harp\nplayed by a woman who's crowning,", "as my high school boyfriend\nreads Guns N' Roses lyrics.", "But that's okay,", "because there's no photographer there\nto take any pictures of it anyway.", "Lily, are you okay?", "What do you think?!\nOf course I'm not okay!", "Everything that could possibly\ngo wrong at my wedding has!", "It's ruined!", "What happened to \"I don't\nwant a perfect wedding\"?", "Oh, grow up, Robin!\nOf course I want a perfect wedding!", "Oh, God. I wanted... I wanted not\nto care about the wedding, but...", "I do. I... I'm supposed to\nfeel like a princess today.", "And you will.", "It's gonna be okay, sweetie.", "Why don't we go outside? I have\nsomething that'll make you feel better.", "What could you have that could\npossibly make me feel better?", "God, I hope Marshall's having\na better day than I'm having.", "Oh, my God. Oh, my God.", "Oh, my God.", "Oh, my God.", "Oh, my God!\n- What?", "Well, it's not too short.", "The Venom - $5 million GTD Poker Tourney\nDownload AmericasCardroom.com", "My hair! Look at my hair!\nShe ruined my hair!", "I look like one of\nthe Backstreet Boys!", "You totally do.", "And not even the good\nBackstreet Boys,", "the older, lame dance move,\ncomeback tour Backstreet Boys.", "The good Backstreet Boys?", "Guys! Guys!\nWhat am I gonna do?!", "What-what the hell\nhappened to you?", "Lily's cousin is\nin beauty school,", "and Lily didn't want\nher to do her hair,", "so she said she could do mine.", "So, um,\njust not-not too short, okay?", "Oh, no,\nwe don't even have to cut it at all.", "Could just give it some style.", "Oh, okay, yeah, that's great.", "'Cause, um, when it gets too short,\nit starts to look weird.", "And I don't want to look weird\nwhen I'm up there, you know.", "Ooh, I could give you\nsome cool guy tips.", "I don't think I need\nadvice on how to be cool,", "but yeah, great,\nlay that on me.", "I can't get married like this!\nThere's no way!", "Ah, let me see what I can do.", "What? What can you do?", "I have a superpower.", "Lily is gonna kill me!", "Look at me!", "She's not gonna want\nto marry me like this.", "That's crazy.\nOf course she will.", "Would you marry me?", "No. But not because of the hair.\nIt's because I have a rule:", "never marry anyone you've\nhad a farting contest with.", "Oh, great. So now you're saying Lily\nand I shouldn't even get married?", "Could I have everyone's\nattention, please?", "It's for the bride.", "One, the bride would...", "like all of this tension\nout of my shoulders.", "And she would like, let's say,", "you in the inappropriately\nshort dress to rub them.", "Two...", "What was two?", "Okay, we have a\nbit of a situation.", "Let's not panic.", "Let's just find a solution.", "Dude, you shaved\nyour freakin' head.", "Yeah, yeah, but it's good.", "I ought to shave it all off.\nWhat a great solution.", "Just be bald 'cause\nit's cool, right?", "Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan,\nBritney Spears...", "Oh, God, what did I do?!", "How could you let\nme shave my head?!", "What?!\n- You're the worst best man ever!", "I hate you!", "I'm not going out there!\nI'm leaving and I'm never coming back.", "I'm gonna go find that money\nunder the rock by the tree", "and go live with the guys on\nthe beach in Zihautanejo.", "Dude, those guys are criminals.", "Only Red Andy was\nfalsely accused.", "Ted, you're my best man!\nYou got to do something!", "Okay, all right, come here.\nJust breathe, breathe, all right?", "Don't worry. Don't worry.", "I'll just... I'll take these.\n- No!", "Uh, hi. Uncle Ben, right?\n- Yes.", "Yes, we're, we're having a little\nbit of a problem back there.", "Um, and I was wondering\nif you could help us out.", "Yeah.", "Marshall accidentally\nshaved part of his head.", "Oh, no!\n- Yeah.", "Yeah, so here's what\nI was thinking.", "What if I found something\nto cover up the bald area?", "Yeah, that would probably work,", "but with what?", "That's a tough one.", "Maybe a wig of some\nsort or a, um...", "toupee.", "Something that matches\nhis hair color,", "which is, which is kind of the same\ncolor as the top of your hair.", "Mm, yeah.", "Does anyone here wear a toupee?", "Shouldn't be hard to find out.", "Most of them are pretty bad.", "That is true. That is true.", "We just need to find\nsomeone who wears a toupee", "that is the same color", "as Marshall's and your hair.", "Boy, that's a\npretty tall order.", "Really?", "You can't think of any\nplace in the general area", "where there might be a toupee of\nthe kind I'm describing to you?", "No, not off the top of my...", "No. Can't.", "Let me come at this from a different\nangle. I got $50 in my pocket", "which is probably a lot more...\n- The bride needs this.", "Actually, I think\nit kinda works.", "It totally does.", "Barney?", "To be honest, I'm, uh,", "I'm jealous I don't\nget to wear it.", "Okay, problem solved.", "Crisis averted.", "Let's get me married.", "It looks terrible, doesn't it?", "It kinda looks like fur,", "which gives you the appearance\nof a cleaned-up Bigfoot.", "Oh, you know...\n- In a bad way.", "Hey. Cool hair, bro.", "What happened to your shirt?", "I got sauce on it when\nI tackled the caterer.", "You gonna put another shirt on?", "No, I'm good.", "Hey, you guys seen Scooter?", "What? What? Scooter's here?\nThat guy's at my wedding?", "Not for long, bro.", "Not for long.", "Okay, you know what?\nI need some air.", "I think we should go\nfor a walk, okay?", "It would cover up the problem.", "It's festive", "and it celebrates the heritage\nof this great nation.", "Okay, unless you actually\nhave one in your car,", "stop suggesting authentic\nNative American headdress.", "Oh, no.", "Oh, my God!", "Marshall...", "Lily, you're not\nsupposed to see me.", "Holy crap, I don't think\nanyone's supposed to see you.", "What happened?\nDid Amy do this to you?", "Just the frosted tips.\nI did the rest. I'm sorry, baby.", "I've ruined the whole wedding,\nhaven't I?", "Oh, no,\nyou didn't ruin the wedding, sweetie.", "It was already ruined.", "There's no flowers,\nno photographer.", "Oh, and Scooter's here,\nby the way.", "Yeah, I know. I heard.", "My veil got thrashed,\nthe harp player is in labor,", "and I'm not wearing\nmy wedding underwear.", "What? No \"Property of\nMarshall\" across the back?", "How are people going to\nknow whose butt that is?", "What happened?", "Remember the wedding we wanted,\nthe intimate outdoor ceremony?", "I wish we could\nhave that wedding.", "So do it.", "What?", "Get married now.", "Right here.", "Look, it's outside like\nyou always wanted.", "Intimate, close friends.", "There's no guitar,\nbut it's pretty close.", "Barney can officiate.", "Yes. Yes, I can.", "Uh, excuse me, guys.\nYou all dropped something:", "your jaws--", "because Barney Stinson is about\nto aid and abet a marriage.", "Could we even do that? I mean,\nwhat about all those people in there?", "Do that one, too.\nAnd then when everything goes wrong,", "you won't care because you already\nhad the real wedding out here.", "What do you think, baby?", "I love it.", "Me, too.", "Let's do it.\nLet's get married before we get married.", "Great.", "Wait, hold on.", "Excuse me, sir.", "Could we borrow your hat?", "Okay.", "Thank you.", "Hat.", "We thought of authentic\nNative American headdress", "before we thought of hat.", "Thank you all for coming.", "For those of you\nwho don't know me...", "I'm not the biggest\nbeliever in marriage.", "But... you two are so great together,\nyou know?", "It's like you were, uh,\nmade for each other.", "He's gonna cry.\n- No, I'm not.", "I'm not, I'm not, I'm not,\nI'm not, I'm not.", "Lily and Marshall...", "when everyone sees you, they...", "see true love.", "It's the best love...", "Can we just, um,\nmove on to the rings or something?", "Oh, no.", "I don't have my vows.", "I don't have mine either.", "You don't need your vows.\nJust say why you love each other.", "Okay, I'll go first.", "Lily,", "there are a million\nreasons why I love you.", "You make me laugh", "and you take care of\nme when I'm sick.", "You're sweet, caring and you even\ncreated an egg dish and named it after me.", "She puts a little Italian dressing in\nscrambled eggs before she cooks them.", "It's called \"Eggs Marshall,\"\nand it's awesome.", "But the main reason\nthat I love you is", "that you're my\nbest friend, Lily.", "You're, uh...\nyou're the best friend I ever had.", "I'm sorry, buddy.\n- No problem.", "It's totally okay.", "My turn.", "Oh, thank you.", "Marshall, I love you\nbecause you're funny", "and you make me feel loved", "and you make me feel safe", "and for our anniversary you\ngave me a sweatshirt that says,", "\"Lily and Marshall.\nRockin' It Since '96.\"", "I kinda wish I was\nwearing it right now", "'cause it smells like you.", "But the main reason I love you,\nMarshall Ericksen,", "is you make me happy.", "You make me happy all the time.", "Hey, I found your panties!", "I'm good.", "Marshall, do you take Lily to be your wife\nto have and to hold from this day forward?", "Slow down.\n- I can't.", "From this day forward so as\nlong as you both shall live?", "I do.", "Lily, do you promise to take Marshall to\nbe your husband to have and to hold... live?", "I do.", "Okay, then,", "by the power invested in me by\nthe very bitter old Pakistani man", "who works down at the\ncourthouse on Lafayette Street,", "I now pronounce\nyou man and wife.", "You may kiss the bride.", "Do you smoke?\n- No.", "Wow. First lie of marriage.\nThat was fast.", "After that, we all went back\ninside for the second wedding.", "And yes,\na lot of things did go wrong,", "but it didn't matter", "because when I look\nback on that day,", "what I remember is\nthe first wedding;", "the intimate outdoor ceremony", "with just close friends", "and an acoustic guitar.", "How do you feel?", "Tired. I got\nmarried twice today.", "So where do you want to do it for\nthe first time as a married couple,", "nice hotel room or a\nreception hall bathroom?", "What do you think?", "Bathroom, of course.", "Please don't.", "Sorry, Ted.\n- Sorry, Ted.", "Transcript: Raceman\nSubtitles: Willow's Team\nwww.forom.com", "Craving big poker? Feast your eyes on Venom.\n$5 million GTD. AmericasCardroom.com"], "How I Met Your Mother S02E22 Something Blue": ["Ladies and gentlemen,\nfor the first time ever", "Mr. and Marshall Eriksen\nand Lily Aldrin.", "Does it make you kind of sad that\nwe don't share the same last name?", "You know, in a totally evolved\n21st-century kind of way,", "yeah, a little.", "You know what we should do?", "We should come up with\na whole new last name.", "Oh, that's easy--\nLily and Marshall Skywalker.", "Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.", "I got it. You ready?", "You ready?\n- Yeah.", "Lily and Marshall Awesome.", "Have you met the Awesomes?", "Marshall, Lily, their son,\nTotally and their daughter, Freakin'?", "I love you, Mr. Awesome.", "I love you, Mrs. Awesome.", "So...\n- So...", "Wedding's over.", "Yes, it is.", "I guess starting tomorrow,", "we can tell people.", "Tell people what?", "Hi, Barney.", "Tell people what?", "The food looks delicious,\ndoesn't it?", "Tell people what?", "Nothing.", "Oh, okay. Tell people what?", "Can we talk about this later?", "Absolutely. Tell people what?", "Hi. Have you met Barney?\n- Hey. Barney Stinson.", "Lovely dress.\nI know, I'm sick of these things, too.", "It's like the same wedding over and\nover again. You're totally right.", "You want to dance? Great,\nsee you out there. Tell people what?", "Look, this is just not something we want\nto talk about right now, okay, Barney?", "Okay.", "Whoo, that was a close one.", "Think he'll actually let it go?", "Tell people what?\nTell people what? Tell people what?", "Tell people what?\nTell people...", "There's a black Nissan Stanza in\nthe parking lot with it's lights on.", "Tell people what?\nTell people what?", "Subtitles : Willow's Team", "Transcript : Raceman", "www.forom.com", "Advertise your product or brand here\ncontact www.OpenSubtitles.org today", "Can I get a water please?", "Tell people what?\n- Oh, God! Okay.", "Look, we have some... news.", "But we don't want to draw attention\naway from Lily and Marshall's big day.", "So just forget about it until\nthey leave for the honeymoon.", "Fine.", "It's pretty big, though.\n- Oh, my God, just tell me!", "Oh, help us.\n- What's wrong?", "We're starving.", "We planned this amazing\nmeal with the caterers,", "and we haven't\nhad a bite of it.", "Every time we get near the food,\nwe get cocktail weiner blocked.", "Marshall!", "We haven't eaten all day.", "All right,\nlet's run some interference.", "Yeah, we'll get you back to your table.\nCome on.", "Oh, there you are.", "My dear, you look so beautiful.", "Thanks, Grammie,\nbut we really need to...", "And you...\nyou look like a 1940s movie star.", "And you look like a pepper-crusted\nrack of lamb with mint jelly.", "All right,\nlet's get these two back to their table.", "We will see you on the floor for\nthe conga line later, won't we?", "The answer to that one\nwas decided weeks earlier.", "Conga line.", "Oh, yes, definitely.", "How about a slide show of\nyou guys through the years", "set to Green Day's\n\"Time of Your Life\"", "and ending with your baby\nphotos side by side.", "Oh, that's great.\nGoing on the list.", "What list?", "Horrible wedding clich\u00e9s we're not going\nto touch with a ten-foot limbo pole.", "Oh, like First Corinthians?", "That Bible verse?", "They do that at every wedding.", "How's it go?", "\"Love is patient and kind.", "\"Love does not envy or boast.", "\"It is not arrogant or rude.", "\"Love does not insist\non it's own way.", "\"It is not irritable\nor resentful.", "\"Love bears all things,", "\"believes all things,", "\"hopes all things...", "\"endures all things.\"", "Lame.\n- Going on the list.", "We've done it.\nA wedding with zero clich\u00e9s.", "Wait, isn't doing it in the reception\nhall bathroom kind of a clich\u00e9?", "Well, okay, one clich\u00e9.", "Well, technically two.", "No! They cleared\nour plates again!", "Pepper-crusted rack of lamb,\nwhere did you go?!", "It's my wedding night.\nI was supposed to have my way with you.", "Well, you still have me.", "Yeah...", "Anyway, guys, we're kind of\nin the middle of something,", "so if you could go bicker or\nshare a tense, sexless silence", "or whatever married people do\nsomewhere else, that'd be great.", "No, Barney, this is my wedding,", "and I will sit wherever\nI damn well...", "Are those mini quiches?", "Tell the secret.", "Okay, uh...", "it was our anniversary,", "so we went to this\nrestaurant Carmichael's,", "which is where we went\non our first date.", "Remember, the place where I stole\nthe blue French horn for Robin?", "Oh, right, that was you.", "I knew that was\nsomebody I knew.", "What?", "Dude, you were there.", "That was like a big iconic\nmoment in all of our lives.", "Maybe in your life--\nI got a lot of stuff going on.", "Okay, so we're sitting there\nand the waiter comes over...", "Champagne?", "Um, we didn't order champagne.", "Compliments of the house.", "Wow.", "Thanks.", "Cheers.", "And there, sitting at the bottom\nof my champagne glass is...", "Mini quiche.", "You're a mega-douche.", "Oh, that's right, they moved that\ntable back toward the kitchen,", "because that's where they're setting\nup a surprise chocolate fountain.", "Oh, no, I gave it away.", "So what was in the glass?", "Right.", "So the waiter comes up\nwith two glasses of Dom.", "He says, \"Champagne?\"\n\"We didn't order any champagne.\"", "\"Compliments of\nthe house.\" \"Wow.\"", "You said that already!", "Right. So Robin looks down,", "and there at the\nbottom of her glass...", "Is an engagement ring.", "Anything you want to say\nto the bride and groom?", "Don't get married.", "Why don't I come back.", "An engagement ring?", "No. No, no, no, no, no, no.", "Ted, you cannot do\nthis to me. No.", "No, no, no!", "That's what she said.", "No.", "No, no, no, no, no.\nTed, you cannot do this to me.", "No. No, no, no.", "What are you talking about?", "This. This is what I'm talking about.\nWhat is this doing in my champagne?", "Oh, God, listen...\nI just got to get out of here.", "That's not mine.", "What?", "That's not mine.", "Then whose is it?", "It's mine.", "Janna...", "will you marry me?", "Yes.", "Wow.", "That was hilarious.\nI was like... what?", "Anyway.", "What the hell was that?", "What the hell was what?", "That reaction?", "I thought you were\nproposing to me.", "Really? Because it sounded like you\nthought I was trying to set you on fire.", "Ted, you know how I\nfeel about marriage.", "Now more than ever.", "I'm sorry,\nwere you planning on proposing tonight?", "No.", "Then why is this an issue?", "Because even though you\ndon't want to get married,", "I'd like to think the fact that\nwe've been together for a year,", "and that we love each other\nmight get me a gentler reaction", "than, \"No.\nNo, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.", "\"Ted, you cannot do this to me.", "\"No. No, no, no.\"", "Okay, you're right, I just...\nfreaked out.", "I don't know why.", "I'm sorry.", "Can we please just let it go?", "No.", "Hey, Stinson.", "Never lie to a man about\na chocolate fountain.", "So did you guys find\nanything to eat?", "I had four strawberries.", "Was there a side of champagne\nwith each of the strawberries?", "Yes.", "Lily, you could have burped\nor said the word \"Yes,\"", "but the fact that you did both\nis exactly why I married you.", "Oh, look, more strawberries!", "So what happened next?", "Ted, don't do this.\n- No, seriously.", "Where do you see\nyourself in five years?", "Where do you see yourself?", "Honestly, in five years...", "I probably want to be married.", "And I probably want\nto be in Argentina.", "Argentina?\n- Or Tokyo, or Paris.", "Look, Ted, I don't know where\nI'm going to be in five years.", "And I don't want to know.\nI want my life to be an adventure.", "We have an expiration date,\ndon't we?", "Oh, my God.", "You guys broke up.", "You guys broke up.\nI can't believe it.", "Barney...", "story's not over.", "Can we please not talk about this here.\nCan we go home?", "Yeah, of course.", "Uh, excuse me, I'm sorry about this.\nCan we actually...", "Oh, my God, it's you.", "Wha... what?", "You're the son of a bitch who\nstole our blue French horn.", "Run!", "Run? Your strategy was run?", "It was a perfectly good idea.", "They didn't have our\ncredit card information.", "They didn't know us from Adam.", "I stand by it.", "Yeah?", "And how did that\nwork out for you?", "I don't see why they had to keep\nmy credit card and driver's license", "till we bring the horn back.", "Well, come on, Ted,\ncan you blame them?", "Look, I'm sorry about\nthe French horn.", "I want to make this right.", "So what we're going to do right now is,\nwe're going to run!", "So... Argentina.", "Argentina.", "Why is this the first\nI've heard of Argentina?", "Mmm, American schools\nsuck at geography.", "What would be the point in telling\nyou that I want to live in Argentina?", "You don't want to live there.", "I could want to\nlive in Argentina.", "No, you couldn't.", "I mean,\nyou life is here and your career.", "I'm a journalist,\nmy career could take me anywhere,", "and I hope it does.", "Hey. I could be an\narchitect anywhere, too.", "They have buildings\nin Argentina.", "And Paris. And even Tokyo.", "I don't know if you ever saw Godzilla, but\nhe wasn't knocking down a bunch of tents.", "So, what? You're saying you\nwant to move to Argentina?", "Well, I always regretted not taking\na year in college to live abroad.", "I just finished a\nbig project at work.", "I got some money saved up.", "If ever there were a time in my life to\ndo something like this, it's right now.", "Let's move to Argentina.", "Oh, shut up.", "You're scared\nI might not be kidding.", "Aren't you?", "Nope.", "Your move, Scherbatsky.", "Okay.", "Let's do it--\nlet's move to Argentina.", "No es posible!", "Nobody moves to Argentina.", "The Argentinean peso has dropped\ntwo-thirds in five years,", "the government is opposed\nto free market reforms,", "and the railroad has been a mess since\nthe breakup of Ferrocarriles Argentinos.", "I hooked up with an\nArgentinean exchange student", "in a Porta-John\noutside Yankee Stadium.", "Man, she was chatty.", "Right? Right?", "You caught the bouquet?", "Barney.", "The story's not over yet.", "Wait, wait, wait, wait.\n- What?", "I don't know if I\ncan do this to you.", "Do what?", "Well, you say you want\nto move to Argentina,", "but you want to have kids.", "Oh, right.\n'Cause there are no kids there.", "On Santa's map of the world,\nthere's a big black \"X\" over Argentina.", "You know what I mean.\n- No, I don't.", "Okay, say we had kids.", "They wouldn't have to grow\nup in some suburb somewhere.", "They would grow up on the road\nhaving adventures with us.", "Think of all the Hard Rock Cafe\nT-shirts they could collect.", "Ted, you know that kids were\nnever a part of my plan.", "But if I was going to\nhave someone's babies,", "I'd have your babies.", "That's when you run.", "Tell me you ran, Ted.", "Wait, wait, wait. We don't want to\nstart having babies right this second.", "Do you have a...?", "No, I don't.", "Well, we probably shouldn't.", "Yeah.", "Risk it?\n- Risk it.", "No.", "All right, ladies and gentlemen,\nif you're all gather around,", "Lily and Marshall are\ngoing to cut the cake.", "No. Robin, you're not...", "No, say the story's not over.", "Come on,\nthey're cutting the cake.", "Say the story's not over!", "Oh, God, this is the 12th most worried\nI've ever been that someone's pregnant.", "Okay, Lily.", "I'm really hungry, so let's just,\nuh, aim for my mouth, okay?", "Besides, the smearing the cake\nthing's a clich\u00e9, remember?", "No, it's going to be so funny.", "Lily.", "Lily, just feed me the cake.", "Please, baby, I am so hungry.", "Whoopsy-daisy.", "And she's okay.", "She's all right.\n- That was funny.", "And it's time for\nthe honeymoon.", "Guys, guys, guys.\nThank you so much.", "We love you.", "I love you.", "Getting married, having kids.", "It's all a mistake.\nIt's a horrible, horrible mistake.", "God, this guy's\ngiving me nothing.", "All right,\nhave fun in Scotland.", "If you see the Loch Ness Monster,\ntell him Ted Mosby says, \"What's up?\"", "Nessie's a she, Ted, come on.", "Hey, kiddo.", "You are going to miss out\non a lot of awesome stuff.", "You'll be at home with the kid", "while I am out awesome-ing\nall over the place.", "And you're going to get fat.", "The story's not over, Barney.", "Okay, time to get the\nhorn back to the bistro.", "Oh, Ted, I don't know if I can go again.\nThat tuckered me out.", "Not a euphemism.", "Right. Okay, let me just go change,\nand we'll leave.", "Whoa, whoa,\nyou get to change and I don't? Uh-uh.", "Solidarity, sister.", "That is crazy. I have a change of\nclothes and you don't. Suck it up.", "Well, if we'd actually moved in\ntogether, all my stuff would be here,", "but we didn't, so...", "Yeah.", "We were all talk, weren't we?", "We're not doing this, are we?", "I don't want to have\nkids in Argentina.", "And I don't want to\nhave kids in Argentina.", "So where does that leave us?", "Well...", "we could stay together and...", "pretend this stuff\ndoesn't matter.", "Or...", "we could give back\nthe blue French horn.", "You stole a blue\nFrench horn for me.", "I would have stolen\nyou a whole orchestra.", "You did break up.", "Yep.", "You're not pregnant?", "Nope.", "An-And Marshall and\nLily don't know?", "Well, afterwards, uh,\nwe came by to tell you guys,", "but Lily was pretty\nstressed out, so...", "We decided not to say anything\ntill after the wedding.", "You guys okay?", "Well, it hasn't been the easiest\ntwo weeks of our lives, but...", "But we're okay.", "The open bar helps.", "Excuse me, Miss.\n- Hi.", "Could I have this dance?", "Well, we knew this day\nwould come eventually.", "Take care of her, little man.", "This is by far the drunkest\nI've ever seen you.", "Uh, driver.", "Hello!", "Ranjit.", "Hey, can we make a stop before\nwe head back to the hotel?", "You do not have to stop.", "You can be together as man\nand wife right back there,", "and because we are friends...", "I will not watch.", "Um, no,\nwe actually had something else in mind.", "Okay.", "Lily, go sit down.", "Welcome to Wienerburger.", "Hi.", "Can we get a number one,\nplease, with no pickles?", "And a number four\nwith no onions.", "Let me guess.\nJefferson High prom?", "No.", "But thank you.", "Actually, we just got married.", "Wow. Congratulations.\n- Thank you.", "That's $7.80.", "Hey, dude.\n- Yeah.", "I don't know how to say this, but\nyour wife just threw up in the trash.", "My wife.", "So Marshall and\nLily were married,", "and Robin and I were broken up.", "And as hard as it\nwas at the time,", "in the end we both\ngot what we wanted.", "She did eventually go\non to live in Argentina", "and Morocco and Greece, Russia,", "even Japan for a little while.", "And I... well, I met your mom.", "I think for the most part if\nyou're really honest with yourself", "about what you\nwant out of life,", "life gives it to you.", "Of course, at that moment, all I\nreally wanted was a scotch and soda", "and a cigar.", "I'm really sorry\nabout you and Robin.", "I know I was always joking around\nabout wanting you two to break up,", "but you were really\ngood together.", "Yeah...", "we were.", "She just wasn't the one,\nyou know?", "The one. Oh, Ted, no.", "Do not tell me you're going to\nstart searching for \"the one\" again.", "The only time I want to\nhear you saying \"the one\"", "is if it's followed by the\nword \"hundredth.\" What up?", "No, I need a break\nfrom all that, I...", "I just want to get out there and\nhave fun for a while, you know?", "Really?", "'Cause...", "you know, you've been in\na relationship for a year.", "You're going to...\nbe a little rusty.", "Yeah.\n- I'm just saying...", "you're gonna need, need,\nneed some help out there.", "Could be.", "Ted?", "Yes, Barney.", "Do you think...", "Do you think maybe you might...", "need a wingman again?", "I do.", "Yes!", "Yes! We're back.", "We are back.", "And Ted, my boy,\nit's going to be legend...", "Wait for it.", "Subtitles : Willow's Team\nTranscript : Raceman\nwww.forom.com", "Craving big poker? Feast your eyes on Venom.\n$5 million GTD. AmericasCardroom.com"], "How I Met Your Mother S03E01 Wait for It": ["Ted: Kids, there's more than one\nstory of how I met your mother.", "You know the short version,", "The thing with your mom's\nyellow umbrella.", "But there's a bigger story.", "The story of how I became\nwho I had to become", "Before I could meet her.", "And that story begins here.", "Dary!", "Legendary!", "Dude, I am so excited\nthat you're single again.", "We are going to conquer\nnew york city.", "I already have a girl\nfrom work lined up for you.", "Right boob bigger\nthan the left boob,", "Which some choose to look\nat as bra half empty,", "I choose to look\nat as bra half full.", "I don't know.", "Robin and I broke up\ntwo weeks ago.", "I'm... I'm not ready.", "When will you be ready?", "It was a good question.", "After a big relationship ends,", "You need some time\nto recuperate.", "Robin took a trip to argentina,", "And I went through\nmy usual routine.", "I grew my breakup beard.", "Ted mosby, suit up,\n'cause here's the plan.", "There's a miss nassau\ncounty pageant.", "We'll pretend to be judges", "And, yes, our votes\nare for sale.", "I'm not ready.", "I repainted the apartment.", "Finish line of a women's 10k.", "Salty girls on an endorphin high", "Who just want to lie down.", "Yeah. I'm not ready.", "And the truth is,\nI was doing really good.", "Female acrobats from montreal.\nHmm.", "Super flexible. We are going\nto get cirque de so-laid.", "What up?", "Barney, come on.\nWe've covered this.", "Lynn: Robin!", "Hey, guys.", "I just got in last night.", "Um, uh, this is gael.", "Hola.", "Okay, I'm ready.", "Ted: I just can't believe her.", "We have this totally\namicable split,", "Everything's cool.", "And she comes back\nfrom vacation with that guy?", "You know what she's doing?", "She's trying to win the breakup.", "What do you mean \"win the\nbreakup,\" old-timey inventor?", "What our 21st president,\nchester arthur,", "Is trying to say is that", "In every breakup there\nare winners and losers.", "It's not a competition.", "Now, your 80-day balloon race\naround the world,", "That was a competition.", "That's my wife.", "Of course it's\na competition, lil.", "How else do you explain...\nWhat's his name?", "Gael.", "I'm sorry, gayle?", "Gael.", "Kyle?", "Gael.", "Girl?", "It's pronounced \"guy-el.\"", "It means \"joyful.\"", "That is why I live\nmy life by bringing joy,", "Good energy\nand happiness to others.", "Especially those\nless fortunate that I.", "I'm sorry, so it's gayle?", "What a jerk.", "I don't go\nto your stupid country", "And try to seduce women\nwith my sexy accent.", "That's a great point,\npersian nightclub owner.", "Oh, and he's a masseuse.", "With a massage,\neverything is connected.", "I can touch your foot,\ncleanse your kidney.", "I can touch your earlobe,", "And slow your heartbeat.", "One time, I used warm water\nto make a guy pee.", "Of course, I didn't make\na career out of it.", "Career?", "Such an american idea.", "My career is living.\nWindsurfing.", "Making love.", "Sometimes at the same time.", "Barney: How?", "How would one do that exactly?", "Seriously, don't giggle.\nTell me.", "Not possible.", "You cannot have sex\non a windsurfing board.", "How do you know?\nGlad you asked, lily.", "I have crafted a list\nof every vehicle...", "Land-based, aquatic\nand airborne...", "In which/on which it's\npossible to have sex,", "And of those 33 vehicles,", "I have had sex in/on 31.", "Windsurfing board,\nnot on the list, not possible.", "Oh, p.S., in order\nto hit 33, all I need is", "Bobsled and the apollo 11\nspace capsule.", "To get that last one, you'd have\nto break into the smithsonian.", "This conversation\nnever happened.", "All right, you're suited up,\nI'm bearded down.", "Let's get out there\nand win this thing.", "Yes!", "You guys, have fun\non your double date.", "Oh, for the hundredth time,\nI'm sorry, there was a lull.", "And then we fell asleep\non the beach", "While counting the stars.", "Do you want to have\ndinner with me? Uh, us?", "There was no lull.", "You just think\nhe's incredibly hot.", "No, I don't!", "Not incredibly.", "It's a little hard to believe\nhow hot he is.", "But, I mean,", "She's not serious about him.", "The girl never marries\nthe hot guy.", "Well, you did.", "I'm one of the lucky few.", "Lily, ted is our best friend,", "So let's get something straight:", "Male gayle is not hot.", "He's not our friend.\nDon't even look at him.", "Just... No eye contact.", "So that night,\nas lily and marshall", "Did their best to hate gael...", "Hey, robin. Gael.", "Robin pulled me aside\nto check in.", "Now, I'm sure\nshe meant the best,", "But she said the worst.", "I just want to make sure\nyou're okay with this.", "\"I just want to make sure\nyou're okay with this\"?", "Damn it! I can't believe she's\nthe one that gets to say that.", "She's winning, isn't she?", "Not for long.", "Okay, pep talk. Take a knee.", "Ted, tonight\nwe're going to get you", "Someone way hotter than robin.", "Okay, robin's a ten.", "Fine, we'll get you a 12.", "Or, you know...", "Two sixes.", "Failing that, four threes.", "And break glass\nin case of emergency,", "We'll go to staten island,\nI'll get you 12 ones.", "Ted, my boy,\nI am going to re-teach you...", "Amy. Ted.", "Barney.", "Ted, we are back!", "Up here.", "Up high.", "Fivin' it up five-style!", "I'm sorry this is all so weird.", "Weird? Why would it be weird?", "Because you used\nto date our best friend", "Or because my wife thinks", "Your new boyfriend\nis incredibly hot?", "I do not! Shut up!", "Oh, my god!", "I just hope ted's okay.", "Hmm.", "I hate to see you so tense.", "I mean, we had a really\nclean breakup, you know?", "We really acted like adults,", "So the last thing... oh!", "Gael, are you a properly\nlicensed massage therapist?", "What? Are you legally", "Certified by some type\nof governing entity?", "I train for three years at\nan institute in buenos aires.", "I have a card. I can show you.", "Is the card laminated?", "What do you mean \"laminated\"?", "Covered in protective plastic.", "Oh, yes. Damn it.", "He checks out.", "Ted. Ted.", "Ted. Ted.", "What?!", "Let's bail. This place is dead.", "Yeah, you're right.", "We're both totally striking out.", "Exactly, plus,", "We're on a tight schedule.\nI've got this entire evening", "Perfectly planned out...\nSpoiler alert:", "Our last stop is\nan after-hours club", "So after hours, it's\nthree days from now.", "What up.", "Are you blind?", "I'm making out with a 12.\nI am winning.", "Yeah, but I didn't get to help.", "So you're saying\nyou want me to throw away", "A super hot girl just because\nyou didn't help me get her?", "Apology accepted. Let's go.", "Who's the suit?", "This is barney. Barney, amy.", "I'm not gonna remember that.", "Now, if you'll excuse me,", "Random chick from\nearlier tonight,", "As you shall\nhenceforth be known,", "Ted and I have a\nschedule to keep.", "Oh, well, you can check off\n8:54, dress up like a dork", "And bother the cool kids.", "Beat it, nerd.", "Wow. Wow.", "Great stuff, tommy lee.", "See, what you don't\nunderstand is", "I'm ted's wingman.", "It's a sacred bond,\nmuch stronger than any...", "They're making out again.", "Massage therapist.", "And you know what, \"gayle\"?", "Your piece of chicken\nlooks a little tense to me.", "Oh, oh, does that\nfeel good, mr. Chicken?", "Well, guess what?", "I didn't wash my hands.", "Got him.", "Lily!", "We carry so much ancient emotion", "In our neck and shoulders.", "Things we should have\nlet go of years ago.", "I forgive you, mom.", "Lily, we are ted's best friends.", "Our job is to hate that guy.", "Oh, yeah, that's...\nThat's what I was doing.", "I was just building him up\nso a few minutes later,", "I could totally cut him down.", "Weren't you wearing a bra?", "The night was going great.", "Amy was cool and dangerous.", "She found a friend for barney.", "She even paid for drinks...", "Sort of.", "They know us here.", "You're gonna get us in trouble.", "Tell me something.", "Do you ask your tailor\nto leave extra room", "In the crotch\nfor your huge vagina?", "You... Your vagina...", "Ted, this chick is crazy.", "We're leaving. Good idea.", "Let's all go back to my place.", "Your place?\nUh, thanks but no thanks,", "1994 courtney love.", "I have a hot tub.", "Okay, this is\nactually pretty nice.", "I like your tatts.", "Thanks, you can play\nwith them if you want.", "They're a hundred percent real.", "No, your tatts... Toos,\nyour tattoos.", "Thanks.", "You should get one.", "Wrong. Ted has a classic,\nclean-cut look", "That never goes out of style", "Season after season, burn.", "Yeah? Well, I think he\nwould look hot with some ink.", "No, he wouldn't. Yes, he would.", "No, he wouldn't.", "Yuh-huh. Nuh-uh.", "I'm ready to do anything\nyou want, by the way.", "Anything. Right now.", "Ted, who are you gonna side with\non this tattoo thing?", "I think I'd look\nway hot with some ink.", "Yeah, you would. Yeah.", "Oh, my god! Tyler?", "Mommy! Daddy!", "She's back!", "Damn it. They're supposed\nto be in the hamptons. Run!", "Sorry. I used to nanny", "For those jerks\nbefore they fired me.", "So unfair. Unfair?", "I wouldn't let you take care\nof the imaginary kids", "I make up to score\nwith single moms.", "That's it, ted.", "We're going home.", "Ted?", "Ted, you okay?", "Hello, ted.\nRobin and I are about to make", "Fantastic aquatic sex\non this windsurfing board.", "And I just want to make sure\nyou're okay with this.", "Okay, how do we do this?", "I think your leg goes up, up...", "Okay, how about if I, um...", "No, mine...", "I'm okay.", "In fact, here's how okay I am.", "I'm getting a tattoo.", "You're not getting a tattoo.\nIt's not you.", "Ted, you are heading\ndown a dark path.", "That dark path is my driveway.", "But you need a plan", "And you need a wingman!", "This is so going in my blog!", "Want to have sex?", "Okay.", "Ted: And underneath,", "It should say, \"I win.\"", "And then it should have flames\ncoming out the bottom.", "Fire!", "We should start a fire.", "After this maybe.", "Oh, man, this is\ngoing to be legend.", "Wait for it.", "And that's all I remember.", "The next morning,\nI woke up alone back home.", "Hey, buddy, how was your night?", "You know, it was great.", "I met this crazy girl.\nI almost got a tattoo.", "Don't worry.", "I didn't, but it was...", "It was amazing.", "I think it's safe to say\nI am winning this breakup.", "Look.", "Oh, my god.", "What?", "Nothing.", "This j. Crew catalog.", "Who brings two golden retrievers\nin a canoe?", ": We got to call barney.", "Way ahead of you.", "Hey, guys, what's\nthe big emergency?", "Oh, and b the w:", "I am never speaking\nto ted again.", "Mm. Really? Never?", "Not even if, say,\nbutterflies flew out of his ass?", "What?", "Ted?", "Could you grab me", "The fondue pot?", "He has no idea.", "Mm-hmm.", "And up we go.", "Marshall: Thank you.", "Mm-hmm.", "What?", "Ted? Mm?", "I came here\nthis morning because...", "I want to apologize.", "Apology accepted, barney.", "As you can see, I do\njust fine on my own.", "I don't need a baby-sitter.", "Barney: See, all this time,", "I thought you needed\na wingman to fly,", "But the truth is, you...", "You've got your own wings now.", "Ted: Mm.", "Since you and robin split,\nyou've been gestating.", "Growing in your cocoon.", "And last night...", "You burst out of\nthat cocoon like a...", "Like a majestic, uh...", "Gosh, what is it that\ncomes out of a cocoon?", "I was always bad at science.", "He's going to say it!", "A butterfly?", "What?", "Nothing, buddy.", "Ow! Why did that hurt so...?", "Ooh. Ooh.", "Ted: Oh, my god!", "I have a tattoo!", "Oh, that's not a tattoo.", "That, dear boy,\nis a tramp stamp.", "A tramp stamp.", "You know, a ho tag.", "Ass antlers.", "A panama city license plate.", "Ted: And suddenly, it\nall came back to me.", "Dary!", "Legendary!", "Man, I am so winning\nthis breakup.", "Mm. I just broke up\nwith my boyfriend steve.", "He was totally annoying.\nHe was, like,", "\"I think you're the one.\nI want to marry you.\"", "What a wuss.", "Do you think", "Exes can be friends?", "Yeah, sure.", "I mean, we're still friends,\nright, steve?", "Hey, your name is steve.", "And her", "Ex-boyfriend's name is steve.", "What are the odds of that...?", "Wait.", "No, no, no, no, no, no, no.", "Give me this.", "Aah, aah, aah, aah!", "Oh, yeah, that'll get it out.", "Maybe you should try club soda.", "Ow. Damn it, it really hurts.\nI need, like,", "Some ointment or something.", "What's this?", "Spanish massage oil.", "Spanish massage oil?", "What happened here last night?", "Last night got weird.", "Feel the emotions release.", ": Think I just got over\nbeing chunky in the ninth grade.", "You're beautiful.", "I am beautiful.", "Experience your food.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Try the mango.", "Okay, that's enough\nof the fruit.", "We're sorry, ted.", "It'll never happen again.", "It meant nothing to us.", "It just felt really,\nreally, really good.", "Oh! I can't even look\nat you two right now.", "Ted...", "He got a tramp stamp.", "All right, first of all,\nthis isn't one of those,", "\"I came all the way over here\nbecause I want you back\" things.", "There'll be no startling\nconfession of love,", "No sweet indie rock\nsong that swells up", "Just as we're about to kiss,\nnone of that crap. Got it?", "Okay. Good.", "Now, here's the thing.", "It sucks that you came\nback from argentina", "With someone as awesome as gael.", "And I know I have no right\nto be upset at you.", "We're broken up.\nLife goes on. Whatever.", "But you know what?\nWe-we never did this.", "We-we had this polite breakup", "With no irrational\nyelling, and...", "And that's just wrong!", "So, I'm going to yell\nirrationally for a little while,", "And you're just going\nto have to stand there", "And deal with it, okay?", "If you feel like\nyou need to do that, then...", "I think I do!", "I really think I do!", "So now I'm yelling!", "You shaved. I did!", "I liked the beard. I liked it, too,\nbut it was getting kind of hot!", "Maybe in the winter,\nI'll grow it back out!", "Okay, I'm done.", "I know it was weird\nshowing up with gael.", "I'm sorry.", "Look, us breaking up...\nIt was the right thing.", "But it took some time to\nget over you, you know?", "I-I'm still getting over you.", "But you? You were over it", "The minute they started\nthe in-flight movie.", "Over it?!", "My first three days\nin argentina,", "I cried my eyes out.", "I missed you", "So much.", "I wanted to go\nand prove how adventurous I am,", "But the truth is...\nIt was really lonely.", "And that's why gael happened.", "You weren't trying\nto win the breakup?", "I was trying to survive it.", "Okay.", "No.", "See, look, that\nall sounds good, and", "We'll still be friends\nand move on, but...", "Did he have to be so hot?", "The guy's an adonis.", "He's not an adonis.", "He's the cadillac\nof rebound guys.", "Marshall has a crush on him!", "The guy's perfect.", "He's not perfect.", "Oh, come on.", "He's hot. He windsurfs.\nHe massages things.", "Name one way\nI'm better than that guy.", "You're bigger.", "Don't patronize me. If anything,", "He may even be a\nlittle bit taller.", "No. Ted... You're bigger.", "I win!", "Ted:\nKids, I can't remember exactly", "What helped me get through\nthe whole robin-gael incident.", "I'm sure that it was something\nprofound and meaningful,", "And not at all macho and petty,", "But after that,\nI was back on my feet.", "And what followed was a new era\nin my life, a crazy time", "Unlike anything\nthat came before.", "It's funny looking back\nat those days,", "Knowing now exactly\nwhat I was heading towards", "And what was heading towards me.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Somebody hold me...", "Go for barney.", "Hey, man, it's marshall.", "Check your e-mail.", "Sent you something.", "What is it?", "Just a new web site.", "Slapcountdown.Com.", "What does this mean?", "M-marshall?", "Ma...", "No.", "No!"], "How I Met Your Mother S03E02 We're Not from Here": ["So, being married...\nDifferent, not different?", "It's the same. Mostly.", "Except I think I might\nbe getting carpal tunnel.", "My hand keeps cramping up.", "I thought the whole point\nof getting married was", "That you didn't have\nto do that anymore.", "No, it's from writing\nall the thank you notes.", "Mostly. Yeah.", "You're writing constantly.", "There's forms we have to sign,", "Our death folders,", "Thank you notes. Whoa, whoa.", "What are death folders?", "It's this thing they\nrecommend you do", "In case one spouse\ndies unexpectedly.", "It's all the information", "Your spouse might need", "All in one convenient location.", "Lily: Yeah.", "Account info,\nimportant addresses,", "A letter to the other person.", "All that stuff.", "I'll get the next round.", "Thanks.", "I am such a jerk.", "Yeah.", "Wait, why?", "I didn't know that I was\nsupposed to write a letter.", "In that folder are a bunch\nof bank statements", "And a funny list of things to do\nwith my ashes.", "Marshall brownies.", "Number six. Yeah.", "Oh, god, I am a bad husband.", "No, uh, no, I'll just write,", "I'll write lily a letter\ntonight, everything'll be fine.", "That's right.", "Unless...", "You die between now and then.\nOoh.", "Come on, that's never gonna happen.\nYes!", "If there's one thing\nwe can state", "With absolute certainty", "It's that marshall eriksen\nis not going to die", "Before writing that letter.", "Barney: No way at all.", "In fact, I dare god", "To smite down this\nperfectly healthy...", "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!", "I get it.", "Okay, you guys know\nI'm a little superstitious,", "And you guys are trying\nto freak me out.", "Well, guess what?\nIt didn't work.", "So, there.", "You guys are jerks!", "Ted: Kids, after robin\nand I broke up,", "She needed some time away.", "Away from her normal home,\nher normal life,", "And it turns out,\nher normal self.", "I was just so uptight\nin new york, you know?", "I mean down here everybody\nshares everything.", "It's like we're all one big\nshimmering ball", "Of positive energy.", "I wonder if anyone's ever\nthought that before.", "Here.", "Eat.", "If we run out of fish,", "I will catch more with my hands.", "A drum circle!", "They're different every time.", "Let's go watch!", "And here I am\nat the drum circle.", "Whoa, are you topless?", "Ted, check this out.", "Seen 'em.", "Wow, it seems like a great trip.", "Oh, it was.", "I feel like the robin who left", "Is not the same robin\nwho came back, you know.", "Wow, there's a lot\nof nude people in here.", "You haven't changed,\nscherbatsky.", "You're a sophisticated,\nscotch-swilling,", "Cigar-smoking, red-meat-eating,", "Gun-toting new yorker.", "Just shoes and a shirt.", "That's a look.", "What you are not is\na massage-giving,", "Windsurfing, bongo-playing,", "Teetotaling, vegan,\npeacenik, hippy", "Like you soon to be\nex-boyfriend, gael.", "Back me up here, ted.", "I'm just happy robin's happy.", "Thank you. Lily: Man,", "This is like a \"where's waldo\"", "Of exposed genitalia.", "Except that it's really\neasy to find waldo.", "I'm evolved...", "And I'm enjoying living my life", "A little bit closer\nto the way gael", "And I did in argentina. Please.", "Vacation romances have\nan expiration date.", "Gael's got a \"best if\nbanged by\" sticker on him.", "Once your romance", "Starts to stink,\nyou'll dump his ass", "Down the drain like sour milk", "And go back to being\n\"unevolved robin,\"", "The one we actually like.", "Back me up here, ted.", "I'm just happy robin's happy.", "I'm telling you,\nwithin three days...", "Ooh, here he comes.\nSwitched to big words.", "Within a triad of solar periods,", "You'll recognize your dearth", "Of compatibility\nwith your paramour", "And conclude your association.", "My journey was transformative.", "And I reassert my commitment", "To both\nthe aforementioned paramour", "And the philosophies\nhe espouses.", "What are we talking of?", "Baseball?", "This is all gonna return to\nmasticate you in the gluteals.", "Support my hypothesis, ted.", "I'm just jubilant my former\nparamour's jubilant.", "That night marshall sat down\nto write the letter", "He hoped lily would never have\nto read.", "\"My dearest, sweetest, lily pad.", "\"Let this letter\nbe a small beacon,", "\"a tiny firefly\nto help light your way", "\"through the years ahead.", "\"My love for you persists", "\"higher than the himalayas.", "Deeper than a scottish loch.\"", "\"if I died under suspicious\ncircumstances,", "\"then beware.", "\"Trust no one.", "Not even ted.\"", "\"especially not ted.\"", "\"know that I'll always\nbe there in your heart", "\"whenever you need me,", "\"and that my love for you\nwill never die.", "\"Love...", "Your marshmallow.\"", "\"m.", "\"Atm pin code: 5-4-5-9.", "\"Teacher's pension account:", "\"a-3-9-3-2.", "\"Cancel vogue.", "L.\"", "My windsurfing board...", "It had floated away.", "And the shark...", "He was getting closer.", "They say to escape", "You punch a shark in the nose.", "But I said,", "\"brother shark,\"", "We are both children", "\"From the same earth mother.\"", "And that's all I remember\nuntil the hospital.", "That guy. Yeah.", "That guy.", "Look at how easy he has it.", "You and me, we have\nto bend over backwards", "To get a woman to, well,\nbend over backwards.", "But that guy...", "Every woman in the bar\nis hanging", "On his every slightly\nmispronounced word.", "And why?", "He's better looking than us.", "No.", "Because he's from out of town.", "With and accent\nand an innocent smile,", "You don't even have to try.\nYeah.", "You're leaving in\na couple of days.", "God, I wish we were tourists.\nYeah.", "Actually...", "You know where I've been\nmeaning to visit?", "Okay,\nokay, we're from a small town", "In the south of France.", "Our plane leaves Sunday morning.", "Uh, hey, uh, howdy, ladies.", "Hate to bother you.", "We seem to be a little bit lost.", "Would you happen to know\nwhich street", "The statue of liberty's on?", "Actually,\nit's on its own island.", "Oh! Oh, it's right...", "Ah. Thank you very...", "Uh, my name is, uh,\nignatius peabody nobel.", "From east westerton, missouri.", "And this is my friend, ted.", "Hi, um, I'm colleen.", "Hi, colleen. This is lindsay.", "Hi, lindsay.", "You-you-you ladies,\nbeen awful nice to us.", "What do you say...", "Ah, never mind. No...", "No, what is it?", "Well...", "It's just we're leaving\nSunday morning.", "It sure would be nice to\nhave some real new yorkers", "Show us around. Yeah.", "Well, we're busy tonight, but...", "Maybe tomorrow afternoon?", "After lunch?", "Well, hotdog!", "Should we...", "You want to just meet here", "In front of mac...\nMaclaren's pub?", "It's kind of a\nlame bar, but sure.", "Really? It doesn't\nseem that lame to me.", "It's pretty lame.", "I think it's cool.", "We'll see you tomorrow.\nBarney: All right.", "I'm just saying it seems like\na kind of bar", "A lot of cool people\nwould hang out at.", "Okay, all right.", "So, gael, huh? Mmm.", "Still going strong?", "Yeah, it's great.", "Amazing, fantastic, awesome.", "Ooh, that's one too many.", "What's going on?", "Well, now that I'm home,", "I'm finding myself\ngetting annoyed", "At things that I loved\non vacation.", "Here, taste.", "Experience your food.", "Oh.", "So good.", "Here, taste.", "Experience your food.", "Ooh, sofa, ooh, sofa.", "Sofa, sofa, oh.", "Ooh. We're alone now.", "I must have you.", "Ooh. I must have you.", "Laptop, laptop, laptop!", "And you know what else?", "I'm still finding sand\neverywhere.", "I mean, we haven't been\nto the beach since argentina.", "Where is all coming from?", "Well, maybe you're just\ngoing back", "To the person you were\nbefore the trip.", "But I don't want to.", "I was so happy down there.", "No, you know what?", "I'm done complaining.", "I'm evolving.", "Just gonna", "Go with the flow.", "Wow.", "Gael, you're peeing\nwhile I'm in the shower.", "Okay.", "Okay, old robin would have been\nlike, dude, ocupado.", "But now, you know what,\nI'm cool with it.", "Pee it up.", "In fact,", "When you're done, why don't you\ncome in here and join me?", "Don't mind if I do, love.", "Gael, there's some weird du...", "Hello. Hey!", "I made some new traveling\nfriends today,", "And they'll be staying with us,\nhow do you say...", "Indefinitely!", "All: G'day!", "Ooh, here.", "Will you sign\nthis thank you note?", "Wow.", "Both sides.", "You wrote on", "Both sides of a thank you note\nto my third cousin", "For a blender that you haven't\neven taken out of the box.", "It's a really nice blender.\nWell, if you love", "That blender so much,\nwhy don't you just marry it.", "I can't. I married you.", "That's how we go the blender.", "What's wrong?", "Nothing.", "Nothing's wrong.", "What could be wrong?", "Except that when you die\nI'm gonna find out", "That your parting words\nto comfort me for all eternity", "Were \"cancel vogue.\"", "How can you open my letter?", "That was not a letter.", "It was barely even\na text message.", "That short, at least have\nthe courtesy to make it rhyme.", "Marshall, wait.", "This was our first fight\nas a married couple.", "Oh, baby.", "Oh... Oh.", "Kids, there are a thousand\namazing places you can find", "Only in new york city.", "Instead of any of those,", "Colleen and lindsay\ntook us here.", "Colleen:\nThis is our favorite restaurant", "In the city.", "Yes, I'm sure this is the best", "Of their 57 \"spudtacular\"\neast coast locations.", "I'm going to run\nto the restroom.", "I'm gonna go, too.", "This is the easiest date ever.", "You know\nwhat I'm gonna try next?", "A knock, knock joke.", "Easiest? Somehow we have managed", "To find the two lamest\nnew yorkers of all time.", "Ted, ted, ted. Dude,\nI am looking at you.", "What? Right.", "Stay with me.", "We are on the cusp of moving\nfrom out-of-towners", "To in-their-pantsers.", "Ay-o.", "All right, ignatius,", "One more hour. Nice.", "Nice. Hey, nice. Hey...", "Hey, our friends\ninvited us to a party.", "You guys want to come along?\nKnock, knock.", "Who's there? Yes, we do.", "Quick announcement.", "I am", "So glad that you're here,\nfellow travelers.", "A couple rules...", "Not even rules.", "Let's call them guidelines\nfor harmonious living.", "Guideline for harmonious living", "Number one...", "The kitchen sink is for dishes,\nthe toilet is for pee-pee.", "G.F.H.L.", "Number two...", "Marijuana is illegal\nin the United States,", "Even when baked\ninto a blueberry muffin", "That someone might mistakenly\neat for breakfast", "Right before they leave for\ntheir job as a tv newscaster.", "\"This just in:", "Look at my hand,\nhow weird is my hand?\"", "Is not an appropriate thing\nto say on the air.", "And number three, I...", "And number three is please keep\nthe noise to a minimum.", "I have to take a nap.", "I'm still pretty baked.", "Everything's so bright,\neven at night.", "No wonder the city never sleeps.", "Hey, if we're going north,", "Why did we cross over the fdr?", "We should have taken the hudson.", ": Now he knows all the streets.", "Someone's been watching\ntoo many steinfeld reruns.", "Where are we even going anyway?", "148th and brook avenue.", "A hundred... in the south bronx\nat this time of night?", "We're going to get killed.", "Ted, I think\nthese local new yorkers", "Know more about the city\nthan we do, so relax.", "We're in very capable hands.", "There were three of them,\nat least two guns...", "They took all our money.", "Well, I only had\ntraveler's checks.", "Hey, babe.", "I've been thinking\nabout our fight.", "Yes?", "I'm really, really...", "Surprised that you haven't\napologized to me yet.", "Wow, you really want\nto open this up again.", "Oh, I forgot,\nyou open everything up,", "Even if you're not supposed to\nuntil I'm dead.", "You know that this\nis important to me.", "Why won't you just\nwrite the letter?", "Because I can't bear the\nthought of not being with you,", "Not even for long enough\nto write you a stupid letter.", "Really?", "Yes, really.", "Plus, I know\nas soon as I write it,", "You're just going to open\nit up and read it again.", "Lily, I won't, I promise.", "Okay.", "I'll write you a letter\nfor my death folder.", "Do you mind, um, maybe slipping", "In a little bit of\ndirty stuff, too?", "I tell you what.", "How about I make it\nall dirty stuff", "And slip in\na little clean stuff?", "You're the best.", "And maybe a couple polaroids?", "Come on, let's get out of here.", "This night's a disaster. What?!", "This night couldn't\nhave gone any better.", "We just survived a mugging.", "You know what that means.", "\"Thank god we're alive\" sex.", "\"Thank god we're alive\" sex.", "It's even better", "Than \"I can't believe you\njust proposed to me\" sex,", "Which I've only had,\nlike, four or five times.", "Ted, please, we are so close.", "All right, I'm in.", "I've never worked this hard\nfor anything in my life.", "Whew!", "Wow, I think we all need", "To go back to our place\nand recover.", "Yeah.", "I just want to celebrate", "The fact that we survived.", "You know?", "Mm-hmm.", "Me, too.", "So where do you live?", "What, west village? Close.", "West orange.", "West orange, new jersey? Yeah.", "You guys live in new jersey,\nnot new york?", "Theodore. Yep.", "New jersey? Teddy.\nYeah, but don't worry,", "It's pretty much new york.\nTed: Oh.", "No.", "Oh, no.", "Oh, no. New jersey is not\n\"pretty much new york.\"", "You are not\n\"pretty much new yorkers.\"", "And how would you know?\nBecause I live here.", "That's right, I live here.", "Yes, we're full of crap.", "Yes, we pretended\nto be from out of town", "So we could sleep with you\nand leave in the morning.", "But you know what's\neven worse than that?", "Saying you're a new yorker\nwhen you're not.", "Because this is the\ngreatest city in the world", "And you have to earn the right\nto call yourself a new yorker.", "So why don't you girls crawl", "Into the open sewer pipe\nyou call the holland tunnel", "And flush yourselves back\nto \"pretty much new york\"?", "Because I will do a lot", "To get laid,", "But I am not going\nto new jersey!", "You're not from missouri?", "Well, I will be\na monkey's unc...", "Ew. Right.", "Can we get a ride?", "Hey, um, sir,", "Can we get a ride, too?", "Newark, born and raised.", "Can you please keep it down?", "What happened to you, man?", "You said you wouldn't\nchange, but look at you.", "No more tan,\nno more beaded braids,", "No more lush,", "Untamed forest\nof leg and armpit hair.", "You're back at work.", "What gives?", "Well, I have to have a job.", "\"I have to have a job.\"", "God, that's so american.", "I'm canadian. You know that.", "What about the important things\nlike making your own jewelry", "And lying on the beach", "And thinking about peace?", "God, don't you care", "About thinking about peace?", "Wow.", "I just realized something.", "That you've lost your way.", "No,", "That you really suck.", "You're boring and lame", "And you're getting sand\neverywhere.", "Seriously, where is\nall the sand coming from?", "You're not the real me.", "All you are is me on vacation", "Trying to get away\nfrom a break-up.", "Don't you remember argentina?", "Don't you want to go back?", "What are you doing?", "Shh...", "Let this happen.", "All right, everyone out.", "I said everyone out!", "All right, we're leaving,\nwe're leaving, okay.", "Michael moore was so right\nabout americans.", "I'm canadian!", "Robin,", "You okay?", "No, I'm not.", "Listen, gael,", "I need to talk to you\nabout something.", "After they broke up,\nrobin went back to being robin.", "Welcome home, scherbatsky.", "Oh, good to be back.", "Vacation robin popped into\nmy dream again last night.", "Listening.", "This time we went all the way.", "Tell you one thing.", "She may be sandy, but that\nchick knows what I like.", "Okay, I'm done.", "But I really don't want you\nreading this unless...", "You know, something happens.", "Can you swear to me\nyou won't open it?", "Totally. What does it say?", "Marshall, I'm serious.", "Okay.", "I promise I won't, I won't\nopen that until you're dead.", "And through 22 wonderful years\nof marriage,", "Marshall kept his promise", "Until November 1 of last year\nwhen, sadly...", "\"busted! I knew you'd read this.", "You suck, marshall,\nyou totally suck.\"", "That's it?", "I suck?", "Lily. Yes, you suck.", "And you did. Well, you didn't\nkeep your promise either.", "I don't see any dirty pictures\nin here.", "Oh, fine,", "I'll take the dirty pictures.", "I don't want 'em now.", "What is that supposed to mean?", "What?!", "Nothing.", "Nothing.", "You're beautiful.", "I would love the photos.", "Have I told you how\nbeautiful you look?"], "How I Met Your Mother S03E03 Third Wheel": ["Ted: Kids, I know you think\nthat you've heard every story", "From back before I met\nyour mother,", "But there are\nsome stories you tell", "And some stories you don't.", "Oh, my god!...", "oh, my god...", "Use your words, ted.", "Okay. Barney, I'm about to go\nfor the belt.", "The belt?", "The belt.", "But that's impossible.", "You were up here\nless than half an hour ago.", "Yes! Advantage... erikson.", "Don't get cocky.\nWimbledon lasts a fortnight.", "\"Fortnight.\"", "British words are so cool.", "Plus, did you know lawyers\nthere get to wear wigs?", "I wear a wig to work,\nI'm a jackass.", "Ted: All right.", "I'm ready. Let's hit it.", "We can't go. Tournament.", "What? We agreed. I suited up...", "You take too long to get ready.", "What are you talking about?", "I got the low maintenance,\njust-rolled-out-of-bed look.", "Yeah, which takes\nan hour and a half", "Of waxing, tugging\nand teasing to achieve.", "And then he starts on his hair.", "Ace!", "Look, are we going or not?", "Just go without us.\nWe'll be there in five minutes.", "Really?", "Yes! Yes!", "All right, I'm going\ndown to the bar.", "I'm ordering three beers.", "I'll see you guys\nin five minutes.", "Three beers, five minutes.", "Wii announcer: Love-30!", "Thanks for lending me\nthese boots.", "Where'd you get them from?", "This store in the village\nhad one of those crazy sales.", "It was a footwear\nfeeding frenzy.", "I saw 'em first!", "You just made the list, bitch!", "So many questions.", "Firstly, what do you think\nwould happen", "If a guy walked into that store\nwearing a suit of boots?", "You look fantastic in them,\nrobin.", "But don't you think they're\na little high for that dress?", "Well, that's the point:\nIt's to hide that fact", "That I haven't shaved my legs.", "I've begun\na strict no-shave policy", "For the first three dates.", "It's all about self-control.", "If I don't shave, I must behave.", "Fyi: It doesn't matter, baby.", "Guys just want to get\non the green.", "They don't mind going\nthrough the rough.", "Shh-clackey!", "Stinson.", "All right, the beers are here.", "Barney: Yeah, we're\nnot going to make it.", "Oh, come on! We agreed...", "Did marshall take his pants off?", "Yeah, pants are off.", "This is wimbledon, ted.", "I need the freedom and mobility\nthat only underwear can provide.", "Cheerio!", "Fine.", "I don't need friends.", "I got you guys.", "You guys are my friends,", "My cold refreshing friends.", "I'm talking to beer.", "Ted? Trudy.", "Trudy.", "Oh, my god. I haven't\nseen you since...", "I slept with you, then climbed\ndown the fire escape.", "That was you?", "I'm kidding. I was super-wasted.", "These are not all for me.", "No, I was going to call you,\nbut I was so embarrassed.", "You were embarrassed?", "I was like,\n\"I really like this guy,", "\"and now I'm climbing out\nhis window,", "And I forgot my underwear...\"", "Those were yours?", "God, I thought\nthey felt kind of tight.", "I'm kidding.\nI don't wear underwear.", "Ladies' underwear.", "Often.", "Ah! Again, I'm kidding.", "I'm so glad I ran into you.", "I know. Do you want to...?\nTrudy?!", "No way!", "Oh, my god! Rachel, how are you?", "Ted, this is rachel.", "Hi!", "Kappa epsilon gamma!\nKappa epsilon gamma!", "Whoo! Whoo!", "Wait, let me guess.\nYou guys met in prison.", "No! We were sorority sisters.", "And best friends forever\nall sophomore year.", "When we weren't\nat each other's throats.", "We could be so competitive.", "Uh, but that's\nall behind us now.", "Hey, mista! Hey, mista!", "Stay away from my sista!\nStay away from my sista!", "Whoo! Whoo!", "We have so much\ncatching up to do.", "Okay. Are you going\nto stacey's wedding?", "Oh, it's off. Apparently,\nhe's into dudes.", "Nah! Again?!\nThat's like her third one.", "Trudy: I know!", "Well, beers,\nwhat do you want to do?", "We could stay here...", "Or I know this other place\ncalled \"my belly.\"", "So, trudy and I got a table.", "Oh, that's cool. I was going\nto get out of here anyway.", "I'm really tired.", "I want you to stay.", "Tired of people who fold early,\n'cause I am wide awake!", "Okay, guys... Be cool.", "Ka-zowie! Aah!", "You've been\nvanquished, old bean.", "That's 'cause you distracted me.", "You've been hanging crumpet\never since the third set.", "Ah... Stinson.", "I've got a situation.", "Trudy is here... you know,\nfrom the pineapple incident?", "Oh, you mean the girl\nthat chalked your pool cue", "And snuck down the fire escape?", "Respect.", "So, we're hitting it off\nand then her friend shows up", "And they're kind of competitive.", "I think the new girl's\nkind of into me.", "So you now have two on the line?", "And I don't know\nwhich one to go for.", "Go for the new girl!", "Given the choice, always party\nwith dr. Strangelove.", "New girl? What new girl?", "Two girls are allegedly vying", "For ted's affections,\nand I think...", "Oh, you don't know\nwhat you're talking about.", "Give it to me.", "Are they friends?", "Yeah. Uh, no... I-I don't know.", "They're old sorority sisters.", "Are they betas?", "Because they're all sluts,", "And you can tell them right now", "I didn't want to be\nin their sorority anyway.", "They're kappas, and...", "I think I can score\nwith one of them.", "I don't know which one,", "And if I chose wrong,\nI lose them both.", "Okay, well, don't worry.", "I'll-I'll come down\nand help you figure it out.", "I thought we were in\nfor the evening?", "That's what I thought about your\nbangers and mash down there,", "But I guess we're both wrong,\nguv'na.", "Hey. Oh, ted. Okay...", "Settle an argument. Mm-hmm.", "Is it stealing if you go out\nwith someone's boyfriend", "After they've broken up?", "Well, that's very complicated...", "See?! He agrees with me.", "You're such a little man-thief.", "You're the man-thief, man-thief.", "Oh, somebody should lock\nyou girls up.", "You're so funny.", "I think ted is funny.", "Really?\nI think ted is hilarious.", "I am never\nnot wearing a suit again.", "Hello?", "It's me. I'm at the bar.", "Don't look. Just call me \"mom.\"", "Uh, hey, mom.\nHow's dad's... Colon?", "What?\nWhat's the matter with you?", "Anyway, both of these girls\nare into you; take your pick.", "They are? Are you sure?\nYes, of course.", "They're playing with their hair\nand touching your arm.", "Classic green light.", "Are you positive?", "Oh, that is so fascinating.", "So what happened?", "Well, after 18 hours of surgery,", "I closed, and, thankfully,", "Both girls just celebrated\ntheir second birthday.", "Wow. Gosh, separating\nconjoined twins,", "That must be\nthe most amazing feeling.", "True, but now the parents\ndon't know what to do", "With their huge supply\nof four-legged overalls.", "That is so funny.", "You're so funny.", "Lily: Positive. They\nboth want you bad.", "It's a clearance sale\nand you're the boots, baby.", "Oh, it's robin. Good luck.", "Bye, mom.", "That's my mom.", "Hello?", "Bring me a razor.", "What about the no-shave rule?", "What happened\nto your convictions?", "They've been surgically removed\nby dr. Awesome.", "No, I'm not doing it.", "The whole point to not shaving\nwas to...", "Lily, please! He's really cute,", "And I really like him,\nand he's got a british accent.", "I'm on my way.", "So this college boyfriend,\nwho won him?", "Neither of us.", "He left. Junior year abroad.", "It's really too bad, 'cause...", "There was that one thing\nwe wanted to do.", "We were going to do...", "But we never did.", "Why? Wait, what were you guys\ngoing to do but never did?", "No, it's too embarrassing.", "You tell him. No, you tell him.", "No, I don't care\nif you don't care.", "Nobody cares! Just say it.", "Why don't we tell him together.", "Okay.", "On three.", "One...", "Well, he's right:\nIt's a dead heat.", "Two...", "Neither one is giving ground.", "I could not tell\nwho was the third wheel.", "Three.", "It's a tricycle.", "No way, no way, no way!", "What's happening?", "It's a tricycle.", "No way, no way, no way.", "It's a tricycle.", "Well, I'll just say it\nright now.", "All sorority girls are sluts.", "Put him on speaker.", "So what you're saying\nto us right now", "Is that you have\na shot at the belt?", "Wait-wait-wait. What belt?", "Well, barney and I have", "This running joke that the first\nguy to actually pull this off", "Would \"win\"\nthe championship belt.", "Oh, so it's a metaphorical belt,\nright?", "Behold...", "You actually bought a belt.", "That's right. It's resplendent.", "Come on, it was\njust a thing we said.", "We were kidding around.", "I never kid.", "Remember you said if I ever\nslept with that girl", "From days of our lives,\nI'd be the king?", "Well...", "Why wasn't I told\nabout the belt?", "I could go for the belt.", "If lily were to die before me,\nthen I could ride the tricycle.", "If I died, I would just come\nback and haunt your penis.", "Guys, come on! Help me out.\nWhat do I do?", "All right, ted, if you're\ngoing to go for the belt,", "Then the bylaws require me\nto ask the following questions:", "One: Is the aggregate age\nof all participants under 83?", "Yes.", "Two: Is the aggregate weight\nof all participants", "Under 400 pounds?", "Yes.", "Theodore mosby...", "Are you paying these women?", "What? No.", "Ted...", "No. Look, I got to go.\nThey're going to think", "I inherited my dad's imaginary\nbathroom issues.", "Oh, are you guys leaving?", "Well, it is getting pretty late.", "Right. Well, well, it's been...", "Maybe we could all go\nlisten to that wilco cd", "You talked about before.", "Great! I have it right upstairs.", "It's in my apartment upstairs.\nLet's go upstairs.", "I'm sorry. Where was\nyour apartment again?", "Ha, that's funny. I love that.", "You should tell more jokes\nin my apartment upstairs.", "Scenario \u00e2\u0099\u00aa12:\nWe're in a horrific car crash.", "You die. I'm left paralyzed.", "Two sexy nurses,\nwith a six-pack of wine coolers,", "Sneak into my room\nlate at night.", "I try to blink at them\nin morse code.", "\"Please, don't.\nI love my dead wife.\"", "But they're medical\nprofessionals,", "And I got to think, somehow,\nthey're saving my life.", "Fine. Sleep with your nurses.", "Tonight you ride the unicycle.", "I already did this morning.", "Hello.", "Lily, I have pounded three\ncappuccinos waiting for you.", "Pretty soon,\nI won't have to shave...", "The hair is going to vibrate\noff my legs.", "I'm sorry, I can't leave now.", "Lily, he can't see\nmy legs like this.", "I look like a turkish lesbian.", "There's, um, a pharmacy\nacross the street.", "Would 20 bucks buy me a razor?", "No, but 50 will.", "Hold on. Ted's texting me.", "\"We're combing up-sars.\"", "\"combing up-sars.\"\nwhat does that mean?", "It means they're\ncoming upstairs.", "Where's my pants?\nWhere's my pants?", "Where's my pants?!", "Got 'em.", "Ooh! Nice place.", "Hey, are these your roommates?", "Yes. Uh, yes,\nbut they are not here.", "They are somewhere else.", "We have total privacy", "Because privacy is essential\nwhen you're listening to music.", "You know what else is essential\nwhen you're listening to music?", "Music.", "That's hilarious.", "You are hilarious!", "I'll go get it in my bedroom.", "The cd's in my bedroom.", "Bedroom...", "Okay. We'll try\nand stay out of trouble.", "Of course,\nwe can't promise anything.", "This is going to be awesome.", "No!", ": What are you guys doing here?\nI've got, I've got, I've got...", "We know, ted, well done.", "This is very impressive.", "Up top. Yeah, bro, up top.", "Oh, don't be gross.", "Ted: You guys need\nto get out of here.", "Please, take the fire escape.", "No, no way.", "The other day I saw\na pigeon take a crap on it", "And the whole thing shifted.", "Oh, you can use our bedroom.", "Okay, all I need\nto seal the deal", "Is the wilco cd, barney.", "What are you doing?!", "I cannot allow ted to do this.", "Wh-what? Why?", "Because the belt\nis my birthright!", "You cannot claim it before I do.", "That would be like jimmy olsen\ncapturing lex luthor", "While superman watches\nimpotently from the bedroom.", "But, barney, you've done\nway dirtier stuff than ted.", "You're disgusting.", "I've never ridden the tricycle.", "I was on the verge last year.", "I was so close.", "So ladies, why don't\nwe move this party", "To a more horizontal location?", "Oh, my god, my new carpet!", "Oh, my god, this is a disaster.", "You get the carpet cleaner.\nI'll get a towel.", "Okay. I'll get the video camera.", "Get out! Okay then.", "So let me get this straight.", "You're going to trike-block me?", "That is so petty.\nIt's like you're...", "Tom petty. Tom petty.", "You're tom petty.", "Where's lily?", "Still looking for that cd,", "So...", "What are you doing?", "I knew it.\nI had a hunch about that girl", "And I was right.", "I saw 'em first!", "You just made the list, bitch.", "I cannot give up my bedroom\nto a boot thief.", "She should be punished,\nnot rewarded.", "Fine, then I'll try to work in a little\nlight spanking. Just do this for me!", "No, never.", "What if I reimburse you\nfor the boots, full retail?", "Please enjoy our bedroom. Great.", "Just take it.", "Okay, wish me luck.", "Oh, my god. It looks fine.", "You're such a girl.", "Where's the shaving cream?", "Well, you didn't ask me\nfor shaving cream.", "Well, it was implied.", "Who buys a razor\nwithout buying shaving cream?", "Well, who doesn't shave\ntheir legs for a date?", "Well, who's not getting a tip\nbecause of her attitude?", "Well, here's a little tip\nfor you:", "Shave your legs before you leave\nthe house, sasquatch.", "Hey, robin, um, the valet's\nbrought the car around.", "I thought we'd go to my place,", "If you're in the mood\nfor a nightcap.", "Absolutely. I just have to go\nto the ladies' room.", "I've got tb.", "Tiny bladder.", "I'll meet you out front.", "Yeah.", "You've got to be kidding me.", "Excuse me. Sorry.", "So, I'm having a little\ntrouble finding the cd.", "That's okay.", "We don't need music to have fun.", "Exactly.", "You do like to have\nfun, don't you, ted?", "It's getting late.\nI'll get your coats.", "\"I'll get your coats\"?!", "I don't know why I said that.\nWhy'd I say that?", "It's the opposite\nof what I meant.", "I wanna take clothes off them,\nnot put more on.", "Ted, you're ruining this\nfor everyone.", "Leave him alone!", "Sometimes even", "The greatest warriors\nshoot themselves in the foot.", "What are you talking about?", "If you must know, it wasn't\na freak beverage malfunction", "That stopped me from riding\nthe tricycle that night.", "So, barney, why don't we", "Take this party to a more\nhorizontal location?", "Oh, no, the night's ruined!", "No, baby, it's not.", "Yes, it is! Whatever this night\nwas heading towards is ruined.", "Where's my coat?", "Why would you do that\nto yourself?", "Because you get up\nin your head, man.", "You start thinking,", "\"I can't do this.\nIt's two women.\"", "That's two of everything,\nfour of some things.", "The logistics alone are enough\nto cripple even a pro like me.", "See, if a complete degenerate\nlike barney choked,", "What chance do I have?", "The best chance in the world.", "Fear took the belt from me.", "Fear rode the tricycle\nthat night, my friends.", "But fear will not get\na second turn.", "It won't? No.", "Because I now realize it isn't\nmy destiny to win the belt.", "It is my destiny to help\nmy friend win it.", "Ted is fated to go there first.", "He is our neil armstrong.", "Spacesuit up, ted,", "'cause you're going to the moon.", "Step one.", "Ladies.", "I couldn't find your coats,", "But I did find... Tequila.", "Wait, wait, wait,\na remote control fireplace?", "We don't have\na remote control fireplace.", "Right, that's my apartment.", "The dressing gown's mine, too.", "Damn, this should be me.", "Anyway, continuing...", "Whew!", "I am so exhausted.", "So exhausted.", "Wait, why would I want\nto tire them out?", "That's your excuse\nto unleash pretext", "For physical contact \u00e2\u0099\u00aa1.", "Oh, you give\nthe most amazing foot massage.", "That's 'cause I used to practice", "All the time on my grandmother.", "Why in god's name\nwould I say that?", "It's endearing.\nYou're a caregiver.", "Never take family values\nout of the equation.", "Step three.", "Ted, what's wrong?", "I was just thinking about\nthis documentary I saw once", "About something\ncalled a super volcano.", "Okay, what the hell?", "Wait for it.", "It can happen at any time.", "And obliterate\nall life on earth,", "Which is why\nI live by three simple words.", "Don't postpone joy.", "Oh, my god.", "That's so true.", "Yeah.", "The mortality angle.", "That's actually pretty good.", "I can do this. Yes, you can.", "Yeah. I can't believe\nI'm going to say this,", "But I'm actually moved.", "Bring it in, guys.", "All right.", "I'll see you on the other side.", "So what happened next?\nDid you do it?", "It doesn't seem right\nto talk about it.", "What? No! Tell me.", "Don't tell me\nbecause you don't have to", "Because you didn't do it.", "You didn't do it. You did it.", "You did it, didn't you?", "Did you?", "You didn't do it.", "Yes, you did. You did.", "No, you didn't.", "Tell me!", "Some stories you tell,\nsome stories you don't.", "That's because you didn't do it.", "He didn't do it.", "You did it.\nYou did it, didn't you?", "You did it. Tell me, did you?", "Ted, belt. Did you?", "Did you or didn't you?", "Did?", "Tell me, please. For the love...", "Do you know if he did or didn't?", "Oh, hey, um, hmm?", "Would you go in there\nand see if my date's okay?", "No problem.", "Thank you.", "No, nobody's in there,\nbut the window's actually open.", "I guess I shouldn't be\nso surprised.", "I mean, she was acting weird\nall night, right?", "Yeah, you know...", "Why don't I buy you a drink?", "Okay.", "Did I overhear\nthat you're a surgeon?", "Guilty as charged.", "Oh, you're so funny.", "I'm here!", "I'm fine!", "My head is bleeding.", "Going down again."], "How I Met Your Mother S03E04 Little Boys": ["Ted: It was Saturday\nnight in new york city,", "And the young metropolitan set", "Was out on the town,\nliving the kind", "Of crazy lifestyle you can\nonly find in the big apple.", "97. 97.", "98. 98.", "99. 99.", "100!", "Lily: A hundred?", "We only got to 82", "On our honeymoon.", "Lily: So, robin?", "Mm? I've got a guy for you.", "Oh? He's cute. He's funny.\nHe's smart.", "What's his \"but\"?\nWhat do you mean?", "When someone wants\nto set you up,", "They always tell you\ntheir good qualities first,", "But then they leave out\ntheir huge flaw.", "She's totally hot\nand really fun.", "Barney:\nBut she has a dead tooth.", "She's super-hot,\nand she's so successful.", "But she has a pug", "That she pushes around\nin a stroller.", "She's so cute,\nand she's so smart.", "But her last boyfriend", "Had to get a restraining\norder against her,", "And then his cat and new vacuum\ncleaner both went missing.", "Wow!", "Set it up!", "I'm still convinced", "She killed my turtle.", "Hey, you know what?\nNot every setup has a \"but.\"", "What about, um, jamie, that girl", "That lily set you up with? Yeah.", "She was really nice. If memory\nserves me, she had a huge \"but.\"", "Her huge butt.", "Nailed it!", "Yeah.", "Well, there's nothing wrong\nwith this guy.", "He's really nice,\nand he's really cute...", "But?", "Fine.", "But he has a kid.", "Oh! Aha! There it is!", "Robin's not going out\nwith a guy with a kid.", "But the guy is really great,\nand his kid's sweet.", "He's in my class.", "It doesn't matter.\nRobin hates kids.", "I don't hate kids.", "Marshall: You told me", "Even when you were a kid,\nyou hated kids.", "Robin, will you watch", "Cartoons with me?", "I go to school all week.", "Can't I just have", "Five minutes to myself", "To read highlights\nand drink my juice?", "Okay, yes, kids are\nnot my favorite thing", "In the world, but I like them.", "Well, you don't want\nto have them.", "I like sports cars,\nbut it doesn't mean", "I want to push a ferrari\nthrough my vagina.", "Shotgun.", "You can't blame us for thinking\nthat the kid would be a problem.", "I mean, if we were friends\nwith garfield,", "We wouldn't set him up\non a date with mondays.", "Nice.", "You know what? The kid\nis not a problem.", "I want to meet this guy.", "Okay. That's awesome! Yeah.", "Hey, what's my \"but\"?", "You know, I'm a...", "I'm really nice, but...", "Ted:\nBut she's afraid of commitment.", "Lily: But she's a gun nut.", "Barney: But she's canadian.", "Marshall: But she didn't\nlike field of dreams.", "I can't think of...", "You don't have a \"but.\"", "Barney: Okay.", "I've got it.\nHere. Put on this eye patch.", "Why?", "The ultimate ice-breaker.", "A bunch of cobras got loose\nin central park.", "You and I are jogging...", "Training for the death valley\niron man.", "No big deal.\nWe do it every year.", "Mm-hmm. Suddenly,", "We see these snake bastards", "Sneaking towards a little baby.", "Not on our watch.", "You grab the kid,", "I strangle six cobras", "With my bare hands.", "Women of new york,\none at a time, please.", "So what are the eye patches for?", "We got bit. On the eye?", "Yes.", "Both of us?", "They're different eyes.", "I don't know see\nwhy this bumps you.", "Patch up!", "Ted: So robin went on\na date with george,", "The guy with the kid,\nand afterwards...", "Okay, here's the thing.", "George is", "A great guy.", "We had a wonderful date.", "But?", "Great. And... I can't\nwait to meet him.", "\"Can't wait to meet him\"?", "Why did I say that?", "I don't want to meet his kid.\nWell, you knew", "You'd meet him sooner or later.", "Oh. I was just hoping for later,", "Like in 20 years", "When I'm a cougar and\nhe's as hot as his dad.", "Robin, what's the big deal?", "He's just a kid.", "He's not going to bite.", "He may bite.", "We're working on biting.", "Why is this kid around anyway?", "Shouldn't he be with his mom?", "I mean, what kind of lawyer\ndoes this guy have", "If he has to take care\nof the kid all the time?", "A good one.", "He won full custody.", "He won?! He won?", "Oh, god, getting the kid\nis winning, isn't it?", "Don't tell anyone I said that.", "Mm. No.", "I'm going out\nbuying eye patches.", "What are you doing\nto help score chicks?", "Okay, I'm going to let you in\non a little secret.", "People with real game\ndon't need eye patches.", "Oh. Theodore.", "No, no, no.", "You can't spell \"game\"\nwithout \"me,\"", "And me has the best game.", "Yeah, well,", "I got so much game,\nI'm cornish game hen.", "Oh, yeah? I'm the new york state\ngaming commissioner.", "Well, I'm the game.", "Well-crafted,\nkeep-you-guessing thriller", "Starring michael douglas\nand sean penn.", "Wow.", "Wow. You're here", "And not in stall two.", "Yeah. So?", "I may have made some", "Wildly inappropriate\nhomoerotic comments", "To a gentleman\nwearing your shoes.", "Okay, marshall? Yes.", "Which one of us has more game?", "Neither of you guys\nhas any game, right?", "Or else you'd\nbe married, like me.", "What?", "If dating is the game,", "Then marriage\nis winning the game.", "Yeah. If you're playing\nin the women's league.", "Marshall: You're joking.", "I have mad game, brah.", "Okay, one:", "We agreed not\nto ever say \"brah\" anymore.", "It was a good week,\nwe had a lot of fun,", "But it's over.", "Two: You've been\nwith lily for 11 years.", "Your idea of good game", "Is slapping on a dr. Seuss hat", "And flashing two tickets\nto a spin doctors concert.", "Ted: Yeah, I hate\nto say it, buddy,", "But, uh, you're kind of\nirrelevant.", "What? I am not irrelevant.", "I know tons of stuff.", "I can help you guys.", "I don't want to be left out.", "Ted, you do not have\nmore game than me.", "By sheer numbers", "Alone, I win.", "Come on, dude.\nYou've seen my list.", "You guys want to hear one\nof my lines?", "First of all, I did not ask\nto see that list,", "And I am still horrified.", "And true game", "Is about quality, not quantity,", "And a quality girl would pick me\nover you any day.", "Are you a model?", "That one's good\nbecause it's flattering.", "To the girl.", "Ted,", "I challenge you\nto a picking up girls olympiad.", "Fine. There will be 26 events", "Spread out over 11 weeks.", "We will travel to a neutral city", "Where a panel\nof international judges...", "Or we could just choose a girl,", "And the first one\nto seal the deal wins?", "That's good, too. Mm-hmm.", "How about her?", "You're on.", "Before we start,", "Why don't we jot down\na few basic ground rules?", "Okay, great.\nRule \u00e2\u0099\u00aa1: No eye patches", "Or props of any...", "Marshall: One time,", "I was with this girl,\nand I tried that model line,", "And I totally got\nsome over-the-shirt boob action", "In the \"just say no\" assembly.", "Man, just stop.", "You're bumming everybody out.", "Rule number two...", "This bet is\nfor one million dollars.", "I win. How?", "Oh, I slept with her.", "About a year ago.", "I just forgot.", "Oh, well, that doesn't count.", "The bet started\nthe moment we shook.", "But I can't sleep\nwith her again. She hates me.", "Oh. Interesting.", "Look who just took\na commanding lead.", "Now with you out of the picture,\nI can take my sweet time.", "Ted, she's leaving.\nGet out of my way.", "By the look", "Of those shoes, here\ncomes your bathroom buddy.", "Look who's got game.", "So, you're a big\nkids person, huh?", "Only the biggest ever.", "I think kids are", "So great,", "Especially, um, the little ones.", "You know, uh... Pudgy,", "Can't sit up,\ndon't have teeth yet.", "You mean babies?\nYeah, I like that kind.", "Well, doug's almost six, so...", "Oh, six is great.", "Oh, you are going to love six.", "Six is when they, uh,\nthey really start to, um...", "I hate kids.", "Excuse me. What?", "I mean, I don't hate kids.", "I'm-I'm just not a kid person.", "I mean, yeah, it's cute that\ntheir shoes are real little,", "But beyond that,\nwhat's the draw?", "You must think I'm nuts.", "What? No, no, no. I...", "So you don't like kids, so what?", "And I'm not looking", "For a mother for doug.", "Uh, why don't we just hold off\non you meeting him?", "Yeah.", "Let's take things slow.", "Ted: And kids, that's\nexactly what she did.", "Then, on a totally different day", "That was definitely not\nthe next morning,", "Aunt robin had to face\nher worst fear.", "Hey, what's up?", "It's here, lily.", "It's looking at me.", "The kid. What do I do?", "Just talk to him.\nYou can do this, robin.", "Who are you?", "Um, I'm robin.", "That's a bird's name.", "Ah, no, it's not.", "It's actually a type of bird.", "My friend patrick has a parakeet\nnamed robin, so there.", "Do you want to talk\nin morse code?", "Dude, I'm-I'm just reading\nmy paper, so...", "Beep.", "Beep-beep-beep.", "Beep.", "Beep. Beep...!", "I'm starving.\nWill you make me cereal?", "Sure.", "What are you doing?\nYou're supposed", "To pour the milk first.", "What?! No, you pour\nthe cereal first", "So you know\nhow much milk you need.", "It tastes better milk first!", "It all tastes the same\nonce it's in the bowl.", "Why are you wearing\nmy dad's pants?", "Milk first it is.", "What are you reading?", "The business section.", "The fed's going\nto lower rates again", "To bail out\nthese sub-prime lenders.", "Bunch of idiots.", "Ms. Aldrin says it's not nice\nto call people names.", "Well, maybe\nif they weren't such idiots,", "I wouldn't have\nto call them that.", "That's what I said.", "You're pretty cool.", "You, too.", "Ted: Meanwhile, stacey and\nI had started dating.", "Oh, stacey was the girl\nfrom the bar.", "Anyway, I was close\nto winning the bet", "When something\nunexpected happened.", "I started to really like her.", "Well, have fun in yoga.", "She's strengthening her core.", "I think that's going to be good.", "Yeah? All right.", "After a while, crocodile.", "You see this?", "Game face.", "Whatever, ted. Oh.", "Get this.", "She plays bass", "In a reggae band.", "They're having a show\nthis Friday.", "How cool is that?", "Oh, does she know that one song?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Mm-mm, chaka, mm-mm, chaka.", "What's that song called?", "Oh, right.\nIt's called every reggae song.", "I am not irrelevant. What?", "I ran the numbers.", "If lily and I have sex\ntwice a week,", "Which let's be honest, we all\nknow is being conservative,", "And we've been together", "For ten years,", "Plus 17 more times\non the honeymoon,", "Minus the two-week drought\nwhen I said the checker", "At the grocery store\nreminded me of a young lily,", "Then we have had sex\na total of...", "Wait for it... Nice.", "1,053-1/2 times.", "My mom called once.", "But that's more times\nthan barney", "Has ever had sex,\nand to your point, ted,", "Lily is a quality girl.", "I win.", "Lawyered.", "Doesn't count.", "It totally counts.", "You're right. It does count.", "It counts as one.", "You've had sex once.", "How was it?", "I still matter.", "Okay, ted, go win the bet.", "You have my blessing.\nShe's a wonderful girl.", "I should know.", "Oh, okay.", "Okay, I see what you're doing.", "We've never shared a woman,\nhave we, ted?", "Isn't that funny?", "You're with her now.", "I was with her a year ago.", "You figure, for her,\nthat's like 200 showers ago.", "You've got to ask yourself, ted,", "\"is 200 enough?\"", "You know what?", "I don't mind.", "No, of course you don't mind.", "Just like the second guy\nto climb", "Mount everest didn't mind\ngetting all the way to the top", "Only to find\nsir edmund hillary's flagpole", "Thrust into its supple peak.", "No, I'm sure when\nyou're with her,", "I'll be the furthest thing\nfrom your mind.", "Kissing what I've already\nkissed,", "Nuzzling what\nI've already nuzzled,", "Going", "On what I've already gone on.", "Barney, I'm not afraid", "Of catching your cooties, 'kay?", "Really?\nTed's not afraid of cooties?", "No. Okay, well, then I guess\nyou'd have no problem", "Having a sip\nof my gin and tonic.", "Fine.", "And I only stirred that\nwith my pinky.", "Guess who loves robin.", "Kids. Kids love robin.", "Doug thinks I'm pretty cool.", "Really, that's great!", "You and george,\nall thanks to me.", "Yeah, I'm going to have\nto break up with him.", "What?", "Well, it's just...", "It's getting a little bit\ntoo serious with the kid.", "You know, it's just not", "What I'm looking for.", "So better I break it off now\nbefore he gets too attached.", "What?", "I hate to tell you this, but...", "Too late.", "He drew it in class today.", "Oh, crap.", "There's no way\nthat's a picture of me.", "That woman has on hoop earrings.", "I don't even own hoop earrings.", "I have one pair\nand they're gold.", "Those are fruit loops.", "You are so in denial right now", "And you're doing what you always\ndo in relationships:", "The second you get close\nto a guy, you want to bail.", "Okay, granted, he's six,", "But the point stands.", "Well, we'll ask the guys.", "They'll tell you that's not me.", "That's totally you.", "Wh... You guys are crazy.", "Hey, who drew\nthe picture of robin?", "It's not me.", "You're joking, right?", "It's not me! \"my new mommy.\"", "Kind of has a nice ring to it.", "Hey, now that you're a mom,\nare you going to start wearing", "Those totally awesome jeans\nthat go right up to your boobs?", "Do you guys really\nthink this is me?", "Honey, it's you.", "And if you're going\nto break up with george,", "You have to break up\nwith his kid, too.", "Really?", "Yeah, you can't\njust abandon him.", "You have to talk to him.", "Come on, robin, you know", "It's the right thing to do.", "Oh, man.", "Doug was right:\nYou are a pain in the ass.", "So I had a really\nnice time tonight.", "Me, too.", "Yeah? Mm-hmm.", "Barney: Hey, ted,\npucker up all you want,", "But I was here first.", "Barney: From this\nspot, I also launched", "An expedition\nto those two large ridges", "Down there.", "Ted?", "Something wrong?", "Hey, doug.", "Are you here to see my dad?", "He's taking a shower.", "Actually, I came to see you.", "I wrote a poem.", "Do you want to hear it?", "Sure. Why not?", "\"To my new mommy.", "\"You are pretty.", "\"You are nice.", "And you smell like daisies.\"", "Aw, that is so sweet.", ": Even though it doesn't rhyme.", "Look, uh, doug.", "There's no good way\nto say this, uh...", "Aunt robin didn't know\nwhat to say.", "This kid has never been\ndumped before.", "But then she realized...", "This kid had never\nbeen dumped before.", "She could use every clich\u00c3\u00a9\nin the book.", "We need to talk.", "I just think, um,", "We both could use\nsome space right now.", "It's not you. It's me.", "I know this hurts,\nbut you deserve someone better.", "I'm just really trying to focus\non my career right now.", "You know?", "I just hope we can\nstill be friends.", "Hi. I'm brooke.", "I'm here for my date\nwith george.", "You must be", "The babysitter.", "I had so much coffee earlier.", "I need to run to the loo,\nbut hey, dougie.", "What the hell was that?", "That was my new mommy.", "So... This picture is not of me?", "Why would I draw\na picture of you?", "Wha...?", "How many dates has she\nbeen on with your dad?", "Two.", "I've been on, like, five", "And you like her better?", "We just really connected.", "And what about me?", "You think I just go around\npouring cereal", "For every boy in town?", "Why are you getting\nso upset, roberta?", "Robin. My name is robin.", "Like the bird, remember?", "Whatever.", "So that's it, huh?", "Look, you're great, but...", "Yeah. There's always a \"but.\"", "Well, I couldn't do it.", "I broke up with her.", "Thanks a lot, by the way.", "A beautiful, sexy girl", "And all I could think about\nwas you being there first.", "You were stuck in my head\nlike a chumbawamba song.", "Which chumbawamba song?", "Well, what an interesting\nturn of events.", "It looks like I'm going to win.", "What do you mean \"win\"?\nYou couldn't even talk to her.", "You tried and you got slapped.\nMm-hmm.", "That's what you think happened.", "Okay, great, rule \u00e2\u0099\u00aa1:", "No eye patches\nor props of any...", "Here's the deal: My friend just\ngot dumped, so he's a little shy,", "But he'd love to buy you\na drink and get to know you.", "The problem is, he thinks a pretty girl\nlike you won't go for a guy like him.", "So would you slap me across\nthe face so he can see", "You're not into guys\nwho'd feed you lines?", "What do you say? For my friend?", "You are so sweet.", "So now, whatever nice things", "Ted does for her, in her mind,", "I'm the guy who's even\nnicer than him.", "So you never slept with her?", "Not even at all.", "Wow, that's good.", "It gets better.", "Remember ted's phone\nconversation?", "Well, have fun in yoga.", "Well...", "I am... Sorry.", "Stacey, right?", "Yeah... Oh, you're ted's\nfriend from the bar, right?", "Yeah. Wait, don't tell me\nyou go to yoga here, too.", "I do.", "She plays bass in a reggae band.", "And then I'm going to head\nout to a reggae concert.", "I'm a huge fan of reggae.", "Oh, my gosh!", "I play in a reggae band.", "No way.", "I wonder why ted didn't\ntell me about that.", "Like I said,\nI'm a huge reggae fan.", "Well... I should go inside.", "After a while, crocodile.", "See you later, allig...\nSee you later, allig...", "We are two peas.", "Wow, well, take care.", "Um, namaste.", "You are a sociopath.", "That was my yoga mat.", "So now with ted\nout of the picture,", "I'm going to swoop in\nand win the whole thing.", "Why? Parce que j'ai le jeu,\nmes chiennes.", "Translation:", "\"'cause I got game, bitches.\"", "No. No, this doesn't\nprove anything because...", "hold on a second.", "It's stacey.", "Hey, stace?", "What happened?", "He did not!", "Stay there.", "I'll be right over.", "I should've just worn\nthat stupid eye patch.", "Oh, I can't believe you got\ndumped by a six-year-old.", "Whatever. He's a stupid-head.", "I'm just... I'm done with kids.", "Of course, robin eventually\nmade her peace with kids.", "And as you guys know,\nshe went on to appear", "In some very important\nworks of art: Yours.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Well, things are changing\nquite a bit \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I don't know\nhow it's come to this \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I thought that\nwe were better off \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa We're worse\nthan sitting on the fence \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Can't keep crying\nabout the way... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Hey.", "You know, I really appreciate", "How cool you've been\nabout us taking things slow.", "Since ted, you know, I...", "I don't really want\nto get physical too fast.", "That's what makes you\nso special, baby.", "Anyway, I am so psyched", "To be playing\nsunsplash tomorrow.", "We go on sometime\nbetween 11:00 and 6:00,", "So you probably want to get there\nbefore 9:00 just to be safe.", "Oh, and it's gonna be muddy.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Jump up, jump up,\nand turn around \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Work your body now\nup and down \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Jump up, jump up,\nand turn around \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa To the rhythm\nthat's going round \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Come on, come on\nand dance with me... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa"], "How I Met Your Mother S03E05 How I Met Everyone Else": ["Ted: Kids, back in the fall of 2007,\nI was dating this girl named...", "Oh, god, what was her name?", "It's been 23 years,", "I can't remember all this stuff.", "For the sake of the story,\nlet's call her...", "Everyone, this is blahblah.", "Please, call me blah.", "So, blah, how did you two meet?", "Well, I was taking\nthis cooking class,", "French fusion, and everyone\nalready had a partner,", "But then I looked up\nand across a crowded room,", "I saw ted.", "It was magical.", "It was so magical.", "Except it wasn't.", "She's going to tell some bogus\nstory about a cooking class", "Because she's embarrassed\nwe met online.", "Ai chihuahua! What?", "What? There's no stigma anymore.", "Oh, there's a stigma.", "That's why people always say,\n\"there's no stigma anymore.\"", "So, she's hot?", "Oh, she's gorgeous.", "Then she's crazy.", "No, she's not.", "Ted, the only hot girls\nthat troll the internet", "For dudes are crazy,\nhookers, or dudes.", "Okay, she's not crazy.", "She's not a hooker.", "She's not a dude.", "There's this guy I pass on\nmy way to work every day", "Who's all three... scares\nthe crap out of me.", "There is no way\nshe is above the line", "On the hot/crazy scale.", "She's not even on\nthe hot/crazy scale.", "She's just hot.", "Wait. \"hot/crazy scale\"?", "Let me illustrate.", "A girl is allowed to be crazy", "As long as she is equally hot.", "Thus, if she's this crazy,", "She has to be this hot.", "If she's this crazy,", "She has to be this hot.", "You want a girl\nto be above this line,", "Also known\nas the vickie mendoza diagonal.", "This girl I dated, she played\njump rope with that line.", "She'd shave her head,\nthen lose ten pounds.", "She'd stab me with a fork,\nthen get a boob job.", "I should give her a call.", "Okay, so please,", "Just play along\nwith her fake story.", "We met in a cooking class.", "I don't know, ted.", "I don't know if I can\njust play along", "With your crazy girlfriend's\nfake story.", "Now, if you had said\nfake breasts...", "She's not crazy.", "Okay. We'll see.", "Long story short, thank goodness\nI'm such a bad cook,", "Or I never would have met ted.", "Oh, crazy how cute that is.", "It's crazy.", "You know who else has a really\ncute story of how they met?", "Marshal and lily.", "You guys should tell\nthat story, right now.", "Yeah.", "All right. But spoiler alert.", "It ends with everyone\nsaying, \"aw!\"", "Aw.", "Starts with it, too.", "When you've been a couple\nas long as marshal and lily,", "Telling the how-we-met story\nbecomes a choreographed dance.", "It was late August, 1996.", "Lily and I were both\nfreshman moving into...", "Both: Hewitt hall.", "Marshall: And she needed some\nhelp setting up her stereo.", "Lily: For some unknown reason,", "I felt drawn to room 110.", "Marshall: As if she knew", "That someone very special\nwas behind that door.", "Lily: And as fate would have\nit, that someone was marshall.", "Both:\nIt was love at first sight.", "Hi. Hi.", "Aw...", "I know, right?", "Ted: Now, they perfected that\nstory over hundreds of tellings.", "The first time\nmarshall told it to me,", "It was a little different.", "Dude, this black-haired\ngoth chick stopped by today.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Want to tap it.", "You guys are so lucky.", "You know, when ted and I\nwere cooking", "And our hands touched\nfor the first time,", "I knew right then\nthat after class", "He would take me up on the roof,\nkiss me and give me a rose.", "Which he did!", "Say, \"aw.\"", "Aw. Aw..", "I know, right?", "I'll get the next round,\nokay, guys?", "Anybody would be stressed out\nmeeting new people.", "She's not crazy.", "Crazy-generous maybe,\nbuying us drinks.", "Shut up.", "So, we know how\nmarshall and lily met.", "Robin, how did\nyou and barney meet?", "No...", "No, no, no, no.", "No, no, no, no.", "No, no, no, no.", "No. Barney and I\nare not together. No. No.", "Really? 16 no's? Really?", "So, you're single?", "Yeah.", "Hmm. Oh. So,", "Pretty and single\nand friends with ted.", "Great.", "You know who else is friends\nwith ted?", "Marshall.", "How did we meet?", "It was a good story.", "I'm going to tell it, right now.", "Uh, it was the first\nday of college.", "Kids, to understand this story,\nyou need to know", "That your uncle marshall\nwas doing something", "That lots of college kids do.", "How do I say this?", "He was, uh...\nLet's say, eating a sandwich.", "Dude, I heard\nthe dean is coming.", "Put out your sandwich.", "Hey.", "Good afternoon, sir.", "I'm marshall erickson.", "\"Sir\"? No, please,\njust call me ted.", "Okay, dean ted.", "Whoa...", "Someone's been eating\na sandwich.", "What? No. Really?", "I don't know 'cause I don't even\nknow what sandwiches smell like.", "My parents are going to donate\na lot of money to this school.", "So you're bottom bunk;\nthat's cool.", "I wanted the top bunk anyway.", "What do you mean?", "I'm you're new roommate.", "So unfair.", "I didn't realize\nted wasn't the dean", "Until later that night.", "You're not the dean.", "College... good times.", "Oh, I get it. Ted told you\nI didn't go to college,", "So now you're giving me\na cute, little backhanded slap.", "Oh, here we go.", "Well, while you\nwere busy majoring", "In being freakin' beautiful,", "I was starting", "My own line of handbags.", "Your own line of handbags?", "That's crazy.", "These have sold in japan.", "Robin, have you ever sold\nanything in japan?", "Uh, no. But I would love\nto buy one of them, if...", "Where can I get one?", "I don't have a distributor\nhere yet,", "But thanks for rubbing that in.", "Why are you trying\nto undermine me in front of ted?", "Look, there's nothing going on\nbetween me and ted.", "Wow, that just...\nCame out of nowhere.", "No, I'm just saying that you\nhave nothing to worry about.", "I wasn't worried.\nAre you saying I should be?", "No, I'm saying\nthat you shouldn't be.", "Oh, good, 'cause I'm not.", "Now, robin,\ncan you just let it go?", "You're making all of us\nreally uncomfortable.", "You know what else is\na good story?", "How barney and I met.", "Barney, tell that story,\nright now, please.", "Okay, ted.\nThis is a crazy story.", "You're going to love it.", "Tonight's the first time", "I'm taking my deaf brother out", "Since our mom died.", "Oh, I'm sorry about that.", "No, that's okay.", "I have to take care of him now.", "Of course, I have had\nto put my dreams on hold", "In order to do it, but...", "I'm happy to.", "He's my brother and I love him.", "I'm sorry,\nit's all still so fresh.", "Well, man, I'm, uh...\nI'm really sorry.", "Wow, you bought that?", "What?", "I just made that up in mid-pee.", "If it worked on you,\nit's definitely going to work", "On the blonde chick\nat the end of the bar.", "Unless you're a total idiot.", "What's your name?", "Ted.", "Are you a total idiot, ted?", "Well, I'm still having\nthis conversation, so...", "Well played.", "I like you, ted.", "Ted, I'm going to teach\nyou how to live.", "Barney. We met at the urinal.", "Oh, right. Hi.", "Lesson one: Lose the goatee;\nit doesn't go with your suit.", "I'm not wearing a suit.", "Lesson two: Get a suit.", "Suits are cool... Exhibit a.", "Lesson three: Don't even think\nabout getting married", "Until you're 30.", "And lesson four:", "Be totally silent for\nthe next five minutes.", "Hey, audrey.", "Uh, this is\nmy deaf brother, edward.", "Edward!", "This is audrey!", "You know, I actually know\nsome sign language.", "He doesn't sign.", "He's embarrassed by his hands.", "They're tiny... And lady-like.", "What? You... Are over\nyour hand issues.", "It's about time.", "Here. Call me.", "And even though that girl ended\nup giving me a fake number,", "I knew that ted and I would be\neach other's wingmen forever.", "Barney, it's time you knew.", "Um, that story actually goes\na little bit differently.", "Great. Funny.", "God, with a wingman like ted,\nI might need to resort", "To meeting someone in a super,\ndesperate and lame way,", "Like online.", "Online.", "Online.", "Oh, my god! You told them?!", "Okay, yes, I told them.", "But it's not a big deal.", "Lots of people meet\non the internet.", "That whole scene, a stranger\nacross a crowded room thing...", "That only happens in the movies.", "Yeah, that never happens.\nOh, wait, except you and robin.", "That's how you guys met, right?", "Wait, you guys dated?", "For how long?", "A year.", "But don't worry.", "The relationship\nwasn't that good.", "By the end, it was\nmostly about sex.", "Which was not that good.", "But I was the problem.", "I'd just lie there.", "Ted is, uh, very good.", "I'm sure he will get you\nwhere you need to go.", "Can I buy your bags online?", "Oh, oh, I see what's\ngoing on here, ted.", "I'm just some random girl\nto make robin jealous,", "And after she takes you back,", "You probably won't\neven remember my name.", "Come on, blahblah,\nit's not like that.", "Well, we're closing in\non the half.", "Let's see how blahblah is doing\non the crazy/hot scale.", "She started the night here,\nbut as the night's progressed,", "She's gotten crazier\nbut no hotter,", "Which has caused her to drift\nacross the mendoza diagonal", "And dangerously close\nto the shelly gilespie zone.", "Another girl I dated...", "She gained 20 pounds and tried\nto kill me with a brick.", "I'm sorry I didn't tell\nyou, but seriously,", "There's nothing going\non with me and robin.", "Then why has she been trying\nto undermine me all night?", "I mean, look at her.", "She's laughing at me right now.", "I'm sorry, it's just, you know,", "Lily and marshall's story\nis so romantic.", "I just wish we had\nsomething like that.", "Well, their story's not\nas magical as it seems.", "What do you mean?", "No, I, I can't, it's,\nit's kind of a secret.", "Well, how about I tell you\na little secret", "About what you might get\nto do later tonight?", "The night before lily met marshall...\nUh-huh.", "There was this party.", "Hey.", "You a freshwoman?", "I never use the word \"freshman.\"", "Sexist.", "Yeah, I'm a first year.", "I'm in hewitt 220.", "No way. Hewitt 110.", "You should totally come by.", "Maybe I will, hewitt 110.", "Crowd: Chug! Chug! Chug!", "Chug! Chug! Chug!", "Chug! Chug! Chug!", "Look at these drunk idiots.", "Hey, don't drink\ntheir two-dollar beer.", "This is a pinot noir.", "From europe.", "Ooh.", "Oh, it's fruity.", "Yeah, I cut it\nwith some cranberry juice.", "It was pretty strong.", "So, uh...", "Do you have a girlfriend?", "Yeah.", "Not sure about the whole\n\"long distance\" thing, though.", "It's like descartes says.", "\"In order to determine", "\"whether there is anything\nwe can know with certainty,", "We first have to doubt\neverything we know.\"", "You know?", "Wow.", "But as drunk as she was, when\nshe woke up the next morning,", "She still remembered room 110.", "That's why she\nknocked on the door.", "She was looking for me.", "Oh, my god.", "Yeah, and in all these years,", "Lily and I have never\neven spoken about it,", "So again, mum's the word, okay?", "You have to tell marshall.", "No, if, if he heard that,\nit would destroy him.", "If you don't tell him...", "I will.", "Oh, come on, you wouldn't.", "Oh, no.", "So, lily,\nhow did you and ted meet?", "Come on, lily, the real story.", "I don't think anyone wants\nto hear that story.", "Aw, don't be embarrassed, ted,\nit was a long time ago.", ": And I made a\nhuge mistake last night,", "But it's like descartes says.", "\"In order to determine\nwhether there is anything", "\"we can know with certainty,", "We first have\nto doubt everything we know.\"", "And I now know for certain\nthat I love you, karen.", "Anyway, call me back\nwhen you get this.", "I'm also going down\nto the computer center", "To send you an electronic mail.", "Ted.", "This is lily.", "No, no, I'm sorry,\nbut I love karen.", "Yes, that is the unabridged\nstory of how lily and I met.", "How embarrassing.", "Who wants another round?\nThat's not the story.", "Ted, tell 'em.", "Tell us what? Um, lily,", "Will you help us get\nthe next round?", "Ted, what's going on?", "She knows about us,\nabout how we really met.", "Yeah, I know, I just told her.", "No, the real story.", "Ted, what are you talking about?", "Lily... Come on.", "Come on, what?", "Lily... Come on.", "Ted, I honestly don't know\nwhat you're talking about.", "Lily... Come on.", "I know that you and ted made out", "The night\nbefore you met marshall.", "What?", "Ted and I never made out.", "Yeah... We did.", "I only made out\nwith one other guy in college", "Before I met marshall, and\nit was just some random dude.", "I, I don't even\nremember his name.", "I just call him\ntoo much tongue guy.", "What? Too much tongue guy?", "Well, I'm not\nsurprised to hear that", "Coming from unreasonably\nsmall mouth opening girl.", "That wasn't me.", "Yes, it was, at the\nfreshman orientation party.", "No, no, no, no, no.", "No, no.", "No, no, no, no, no!", "How much fun is this?", "All of us reminiscing\nabout how we met me?", "Robin, have I told you\nhow I met marshall?", "Uh, yeah,\nlike five or six times.", "It was right over there.", "Here's your problem.", "You've only slept\nwith one woman.", "Those kind of stats\nare only okay if you're 11,", "But tonight", "We're getting you a new girl", "Because, marshall eriksen,", "From this moment on, I make\nall your decisions for you.", "I'm sorry,\nwho, who are you again?", "This is barney; I met\nhim the other day.", "He's kind of a jackass.", "I'm teaching ted how to live,", "And... lucky you... I have room\nfor one more student.", "Think of me", "As yoda, only instead\nof being little and green,", "I wear suits and I'm awesome.", "I'm your bro.", "I'm bro-da.", "And tonight,", "You're going to use the force", "To get the hottest chick\nin this bar into bed.", "He's going to use force?", "'Cause that sounds\nwrong, bro-da.", "No, t force.", "It's a star wars reference.", "So we should make lots of star\nwars references around girls.", "That's what you're saying?", "I'm not going to cheat\non my girlfriend.", "Yes, you are, with the hottie\nthat just walked in.", "Look at her.", "How much hotter is she", "Than your girlfriend?", "There's no comparison.", "What do you think, ted?", "No. Should I go for it?", "Don't do it, man.", "I mean, think about lily.", "You know what? I don't care.", "I've been with one woman\nfor too long.", "I need me some strange.", "Yes! Yes!", "Pep talk.", "You can do this,", "But to be more accurate,\nyou probably can't.", "You're way out of practice,\nand she is way too hot for you,", "So remember, tonight\nisn't about scoring.", "It's about believing\nthat you can do it", "Even though you probably can't.", "Go get 'em, tiger.", "Poor guy's going\nto crash and burn.", "That man is a god.", "For like a week after,", "Barney followed me around", "Asking me\nto teach him how to live.", "I even got him\nto do my laundry once.", "I thought it was a mr.\nMiyagi kind of thing.", "Marshall, I need to talk to you.", "Can we go somewhere in private?", "Yeah, of course. What's wrong?", "Lily and ted made out.", "What do you think of that,\nrobin?", "What are you talking about?", "You know that guy\nI made out with", "At the freshman\norientation party?", "Too much tongue guy, yeah.", "And you know that girl\nI made out with", "At the freshman\norientation party?", "Unreasonably small\nmouth opening girl, yeah.", "I'm too much tongue guy.", "And I'm unreasonably\nsmall mouth opening girl.", "Worst superheroes ever.", "Oh, baby, I am so sorry.", "I don't think you need to be.", "I was at that party.", "It was dark and, granted,", "I had eaten quite a few\nsandwiches, but I'm 100% sure", "That unreasonably small\nmouth opening girl", "Was alexa leskeys, not lily.", "Really?", "Yeah, I'm positive,", "And too much tongue\nguy was colin o'reilly.", "Are you sure?", "If it wasn't,", "I peed in the wrong\nguy's shampoo, man.", "Lily: Aw...", "You don't really\nbelieve that, do you?", "You swore it was lily.", "I guess I made a mistake.", "Must have been alexa.", "Another girl, ted?", "Who haven't you made out with?", "You know what?\nI don't need this.", "I design handbags,\nI'm writing a memoir,", "I'm a superstar,\nthis is totally my year.", "Someday the name blahblah\nwill be up in lights!", "And, ted, next time\nyou're online", "Playing world of warcraft,", "Don't even think\nabout chatting with me.", "World of warcraft?", "The online", "Role-playing game?", "That's how you two", "\"met online\"?", "Yeah, it's a really...\nIt's a cool game.", "So suffice it to say,", "Blahblah did not turn out\nto be your mother.", "As for the girl\nI made out with at the party,", "There wasn't a doubt in my mind\nthat was your aunt lily.", "But, you know,\nthat magical story", "Of how she\nand uncle marshall met,", "It was worth preserving,\nso I kept my mouth shut.", "I guess I made a mistake.", "Must have been alexa.", "Until our 20th college reunion", "When I ran into alexa leskeys.", "So, ted, remember\nthe last time we were here?", "You and me?", "No idea.", "Ted... Come on.", "Freshman year,\nwe were both pretty drunk?", "That was you?", "Lily, we never made out.", "I know.", "So I am not too much tongue guy.", "Actually...", "No.", "Look what I've confiscated\nfrom some kids.", "Whoa...", "That is a fat sandwich.", "I know, right?", "Chew, chew, chew, chew, swallow.", "Oh, that's all right, honey.", "Sandwiches are strong\nthese days.", "I can't believe I used\nto be able to eat", "A whole sandwich by myself.", "Now it's like two\nbites and I am done.", "Baby, can we grow sandwiches\nbehind the garage?", "Dude, we're 42.", "W-w-where's my wife?"], "How I Met Your Mother S03E06 I'm Not That Guy": ["Ted: It was a quiet\nNovember afternoon in 2007.", "I was working from home,", "Because, you know,\nno distractions.", "This is incredible! Oh, my god!", "I can't believe it!", "I have big news. Oh, my god!", "Okay, my thing's pretty huge.", "But fine, you can go first.\nOkay, I just", "Found out... I found a\nporno starring ted mosby!", "What are you...", "What are talking about?", "I'm talking about...", "Welcome to the sex plane,", "And look who plays\nthe navigator,", "Ted mosby.", "Whoa.", "It's the same exact spelling\nas my name.", "Okay, you know,", "Cute coincidence, barney.", "Whatever.", "I just got off the phone\nwith the nr...", "Oh, my god,\nthis totally explains the thing", "At my doctor's the other day.", "Open wide.", "I guess you're more used\nto saying that", "Than hearing it, huh, ted mosby?", "Who is this guy?", "And why is my doctor\nwatching porn?", "All right, let's meet\nyour new doppelganger.", "Or should I say doppel-banger?", "Hey-oh.", "Guys, guys, guys!", "Can I tell my news?", "It's pretty... This\nis really bizarre.", "The only other famous\nmosby I know", "Was a confederate general\nduring the civil war.", "Probably not the same guy.", "I got the job at the nrdc!", "You got the job! Oh! Yeah.", "The nrdc, or national resources\ndefense council,", "Fought to preserve\namerica's clean water,", "Fresh air and pristine\nwilderness.", "It was marshall's dream job.", "Congrats, buddy! Thanks.", "It's kind of weird hugging\nwith porn on.", "Yeah, it really is.", "Oh!", "Hey, hey-o!", "New guy entering the cockpit.", "Could it be the navigator,\nted mosby?", "Uh... No.", "No, navigators have three\nstripes on their hats.", "Captains have four.", "That guy's a captain.", "Yeah, and I'm sure\ncomplete accuracy", "In all those details was very\nimportant to the directors...", "\"dirt and skank,\nthe raunch brothers.\"", "Baby, I have some exciting news!", "I hope it's not that you just\nwon some sort of race here.", "I got the job at the nrdc.", "And I found a\nporno starring ted mosby!", "Oh my god, that's amazing!", "I know, right?", "Oh, congratulations, marshall!", "Congratulations to us all!", "Oh, let's go celebrate!", "The fact that I found a porno\nstarring a guy named ted mosby...", "Let's do it!", "Oh, is that him?", "'Cause that ted mosby", "Really knows what he's doing.", "No, that's not him.", "What do you mean,", "\"that\" ted mosby really\nknows what he's doing.", "Oh, no.", "No, I meant... \"that ted mosby,", "\"he really knows\nwhat he's doing.", "Like all ted mosbys.\"", "Wow, nrdc.", "Way to go, marshall.", "But you're still gonna go", "To your job interview today,\nright, baby?", "Marshall's interview was with", "A firm called nicholson,\nhewitt and west.", "They represented", "Pretty much everybody\nmarshall was going to sue", "Once he started at the nrdc.", "I'm not doing that interview.", "Those people are evil.", "Marshall, your dad went to a lot\nof trouble to set this up.", "You can't just pull out\nat the last second.", "Apparently you can.", "Ted, ted, ted, guy in the hat!", "Three stripes!", "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you\nted mosby, porn star.", "Oh. Wow. Oh!", "Oh. Wow. Whoa.", "I know what kind\nof plane this is.", "It's a \"boing.\"", "see.", "This is way better\nthan marshall's internship.", "It's a real job.", "Who is this guy?", "Are we related?", "Do, do I look like him?", "Um...", "It's hard to tell.", "Go, go like this.", "Oh, yeah, a little bit. Yeah.", "More around the eyes.\nOh, I do see that.", "And here's your water,", "In case you're dehydrated,\nted mosby.", "Very funny, wendy.", "Now we know you watch porn.", "This ted mosby must\nbe getting kind of famous.", "Mm. You're not wrong.", "According to the web site,", "Of the far superior ted mosby...", "He's been in the business", "Three months, and he's\nmade 125 movies.", "Wow.", "That's 42 movies a month.", "Who is he, jude law?", "Right?", "He makes a lot of movies.", "I mean,", "Not so much lately,", "But maybe, like, two years ago,", "You couldn't go to a movie without...\nShh...", "Oh, hey, look, check it out.", "Ted mosby did an interview\nin adult video weekly.", "Adult video weekly?", "Oh, no.", "Hello?", "Hi, I'm looking for ted mosby.", "It's leonard ross from avw.", "Oh, my god!", "Avw?", "It's architecture vision weekly.", "Um...", "Wow, I've been reading\nyour magazine", "Since I was a little kid.", "Oh, that's a bummer.", "Anyway, I'm calling to interview\nyou about your latest project.", "Well, I don't want to say\nit's my project.", "I mean, I'll be working\nwith at least three partners.", "Oh! Group scene. Always fun.", "Yeah, yeah, I'm really looking\nforward to it.", "I mean, I know they're gonna\nride me pretty hard", "But they're great guys.", "Guys?", "Whoa, there's a scoop.", "That interview went on\nfor 20 more minutes.", "\"This project was so demanding,", "\"I can't tell you\nhow many nights", "I spent bent over a table.\"", "Oh, hey, baby,\nhow'd the interview go?", "Um, interesting.", "There I am in the office\nof jefferson coatsworth,", "And I figure I'm not gonna\ntake this job anyway,", "I might as well give this old\nbastard a piece of my mind.", "Jefferson coatsworth", "Wasn't what I expected.", "Marshall,", "Jeff coatsworth.", "Hello.", "Dude, I am so, so psyched\nthat you're here.", "Can I beer ya?", "Marshall was thrown.", "This guy seemed nice.", "Of course, he wasn't.", "You all go to hell!", "I'd do it again!", "I'm innocent. I'm innocent.", "Marshall...", "Why do you want to work", "At nicholson, hewitt & west?", "Right, um, okay, jeff,", "I've actually given\nthis a lot of thought...", "I'm sorry. Stop.", "I can't do this\nwith a straight face.", "You don't want to work here.", "You're only here 'cause your dad", "Went to high school\nwith joe hewitt.", "Fact is,", "You just got a sweet job\nat the nrdc.", "And it's awesome.", "Man, I could", "Have gone the non-profit route.", "I didn't.", "And it eats me up inside\nevery day.", "I hate myself.", "I hate myself.", "Oh, he's good.", "Classic seduction technique.", "What do you mean?", "Oh, I use it all the time.", "First I buy her...\nAnd by her I mean you... a drink.", "Now, I'm the guy who gets her", "What she wants.", "Then I pretend to care", "About whatever idiotic thing\nshe cares about.", "For you, that would be\nthe environment.", "Now, I'm the great", "Guy who shares her interests.", "And before you know it,\nyou're naked in my apartment", "Shouting, \"oh, oh,\nbar-r-r-ne-e-ey!\"", "And by you,", "I mean her.", "He is not trying to seduce me.", "He didn't even offer me the job.", "That comes later.", "At dinner.", "He did invite you to dinner,\ndidn't he?", "Let me buy you dinner", "Tomorrow night", "As a thank you, okay?", "You'll tell me all\nabout the nrdc,", "And we'll charge it all\nto one of my evil clients.", "I, you know, I don't know,", "I don't know if... Marshall,", "You know what kobe beef is?", "The most expensive beef\nin the world.", "The place I'm taking\nyou has kobe lobster.", "That is lobster fed\nwith kobe beef.", "Oh, my god, he's\ntrying to seduce me.", "So are you gonna go\nto dinner with him?", "No. No way.", "I promised myself to the nrdc.", "I'm not that kind of lawyer.", "Oh, you should go.", "I mean, you're not\ngonna take the job,", "But you might as well", "Get a great meal\nout of the deal.", "Don't wait up.", "Guys, guys, guys,\ncheck this out.", "Ted mosby porn star's bio", "Says his hometown\nis your hometown.", "Shaker heights, ohio.", "Ted: What?", "Okay, this is getting creepy.", "Who, who is this guy?", "I gotta find him.", "Well, it's your lucky day.\nHe's gonna be signing", "Autographs tomorrow\nnight in manhattan", "At something called\nthe adult video expo.", "Mm. Wait.", "Are you telling me", "That they actually have\nconventions for porn?", "Affirmative.", "Or to put it another way...", "God bless america.", "You can really taste the beef\nin that lobster.", "Right.", "Listen,", "I know we're only here\nto screw over my client,", "Who quite frankly deserves it...", "But I gotta be able", "To tell the guys upstairs\nI gave you the spiel, okay?", "So, first up,", "Starting salary.", "Okay.", "Here we go.", "This is the big number that's\nsupposed to impress me and...", "Wow.", "That is a big number.", "There's also a signing bonus,", "Uh, use of a company car,", "Expense account,\nblah, blah, blah.", "Hey, by the way, turn around\nand wave to patrick swayze.", "Hey.", "I'm going to, uh,\ntry to remain cool.", "But you know patrick swayze?!", "He's a client.", "Who do you think\nbought us this wine.", "Crazy swayze.", "Cheers, buddy.", "Okay. No.", "Jeff, this is all\nvery impressive,", "But I just don't think that...\nListen, I know,", "I know. You're not gonna", "Be tempted by big numbers\nand fancy perks.", "You're gonna do the noble thing,", "Take the low-paying job\nat the nrdc,", "Live off your family money.", "Family money?", "You do have family money,\ndon't you?", "No, um, not that I know of.", "I do have an uncle who owns a,\na pretty successful bait shop.", "Nrdc.", "No family money.", "Oh.", "So you don't plan on\nhaving kids?", "Actually, I,\nI want to have four kids.", "Well...", "New york public schools make\na lot of parents nervous,", "But the kids who walk out,\nwalk out proud.", "It was turning into\na tough decision.", "Now, kids, when I'm\nfacing a tough decision", "I like to get out the old\nyellow legal pad", "And make a list\nof pros and cons.", "Marshall knew all the cons,", "But there was one thing\nhe didn't know...", "A big item in the \"pros\" column.", "Lily, you're\na kindergarten teacher.", "Yeah. 'cause robin", "Was about to ask lily\nthe one question...", "An-and you make a kindergarten\nteacher's salary, right?", "Yeah.", "That lily had been\ndreading for years.", "Well, how do you afford all\nof these expensive clothes?", "I shop the sales.", "They were in the closet\nwhen we moved in.", "I steal.", "I'm a criminal.", "I once shot a man\njust to watch him die.", "Lily?", "Okay.", "That's when lily showed robin\nher box of shame.", "Lily, this is nuts.", "How many credit\ncards do you have?", "I don't know.", "Well, how much do you owe?", "I don't know!", "Wow... I can't believe\nthis many people", "Love porn this much,", "Including that guy who works\nin human resources at my firm.", "Hey.", "Let's just wave at\neach other awkwardly.", "That'll make it better.", "Dude, come on, let's\njust find bizarro me", "And get out of here.", "Oh,", "Oh, I get it.", "Ted mosby, non-porn star,", "Thinks this is all\ncrude and disgusting.", "You know who else was considered", "Crude and disgusting?", "Shakespeare.", "Hmm. But his themes...", "Love, lust, forbidden\ndesire... were universal,", "Which is why his work has\nstood the test of time.", "And so will all this.", "400 years from now, some\nhigh school drama class", "Will be doing a plucky,\nspirited production", "Of beef party vii.", "Oh, my god, lily,\nthat is a lot of debt.", "How did you get yourself\ninto this situation?", "I don't know what it is.", "When I feel down\nabout something, I shop.", "Ma'am, is everything okay? Oh,", "I just had a huge fight\nwith my mother.", "She doesn't understand me\nat all.", "I swore\nthat teaching would be a way", "To support my painting career,", "But I never paint anymore.", "I just got\na huge credit card bill.", "Does marshall know?", "No.", "But you guys are the couple", "Who tell each other everything.", "And for god's sakes, lily,", "You text him while\nhe's on the can.", "Well, I just want him\nto know I'm rooting for him.", "Wait, okay, this\nall makes sense.", "So when you said...", "But you're still going to go", "To your job interview today,\nright, baby?", "Robin: And then...", "Oh, you should go.", "I mean, you're not going\nto take the job,", "But you might as well get\na great meal out of the deal.", "You were pushing him", "Into taking that high-\npaying corporate job.", "I know.", "It's terrible that I was\ntrying to get him to do that.", "Terrible? He has to take it.", "I mean, how else are you going\nto pay off all that debt?", "Lily, you have", "To tell him about this", "Before he turns down that job.", "You're right.", "I feel awful.", "You know, there's a sale...\nWe're not going shopping.", "Ooh, there he is.\nCome on, let's go.", "Why do I get so nervous\naround celebrities?", "Hi, ted mosby.", "I'm ted mosby.", "Ted mosby, it's you.", "Have we met?", "Mr. Mosby, it is an\nhonor to meet you, sir.", "Starney binson.", "Barney stinson.", "Damn it.", "We have met.", "My real name is steve biel.", "When I was in fourth grade,\nyou were in ninth,", "And, and one day\nI was out behind the school", "And a bunch of seventh graders", "Were just beating\nthe crap out of me.", "Oh, yeah, I remember.\nThat was you?", "Yeah, but you\npulled them off me.", "You told them to go pick\non someone their own size.", "Huh.", "I vowed right then", "That when I made\nsomething of myself,", "I would honor you somehow.", "So you took my name and starred", "In welcome to the sex truck?", "Yeah.", "Um, yeah, listen, ted,\nyou got to stop using my name.", "I-I'm trying to make\na career as an architect.", "Architect, huh?", "You mean like a sex architect?", "What? Yeah, you know,\nyou're on to something.", "That would make a\ngreat title of a film.", "Ted mosby, sex architect.", "You know, I'm actually looking\nfor a new project", "To shoot next Friday afternoon.", "Yeah, listen, isn't,\nisn't there some other way", "You could honor me?", "With all due respect.", "Wait, you're not mad, are you?", "Oh, man, I knew it.", "My father said,\n\"just plant a tree in israel.\"", "I'm such an idiot.", "I guess", "I thought you'd be psyched.", "I am.", "I am; it's just", "I feel a little guilty\nbecause I'm not", "The one who saved you that day.", "The guy who actually\nsaved you was...", "Named... Lance hardwood.", "Lance hardwood, yeah.", "Really? Mm.", "You know,\nyou might not know this,", "But in my business,\nthat's kind of a killer name.", "Yeah, I guess, I guess it is.", "I can see the poster now.", "Lance hardwood, sex architect.", "Starring...", "Ted mosby.", "I love it.", "Ted: Marshall and jeff stayed\npretty late at the restaurant.", "They stayed so late", "That marshall crashed\non jeff's couch,", "And the next day,", "Marshall took part\nin a Sunday morning tradition", "As old as the city itself:\nThe walk of shame,", "The long journey home after\ndoing something you regret", "The night before.", "I'll take the job.", "That's awesome!", "Yeah! Yeah!", "Great time last night.", "I'll call you later.", "He's not going to call you.", "Hey. Hey.", "Um, did you get my message?", "I just, I crashed uptown.\nYeah, yeah.", "Listen, I have, uh,\nsomething to tell you.", "Uh, I have something\nI need to tell you also.", "Mine's pretty huge.", "You go first.", "Well... I took", "The job.", "I'm sorry.", "I'm so sorry.", "I was drunk,", "And it was a haze of cigars\nand scotch and swayze,", "And they offered me, like,", "Like, like, like,\na lot of money.", "Oh, marshall.", "How much money?", "Here.", "Whee!", "Yeah!", "It's completely despicable.", "I know, I know, I sold out", "For a huge pile\nof disgusting money,", "Disgusting money that could\nhelp our future family", "Have some financial security", "And could help pay\nfor law school.", "Law school.", "Law school that I went to\nto help protect the environment,", "Not help destroy it.", "And for what?", "For, for... A lot of money.", "Okay, okay,\nyou've got to stop screaming.", "Listen, marshall,\nyou know what I like", "To do in situations like this?", "Ted, if you say\n\"make a list of pros and cons,\"", "I'm going to smack you.", "I wasn't going to say that.", "Okay, two beers,", "And ted, here's that yellow\nlegal pad you asked for.", "Yellow legal pad?", "I ordered fries.", "Maybe you should use this\nto write down people's orders.", "Guys, I don't-\nI don't know what to do.", "Take the money.", "Money's good,\nmoney is happiness.", "If I work there,", "I'll be representing the most\nevil corporations in the world.", "Kind of sounds\nlike a pro and con list to me.", "Lily, you have to tell him.", "You can help him\nmake this decision.", "Oh, I think he's doing fine\non his own.", "All right.", "Marshall,", "I have something to say,", "And it's going to help\nyou make your decision.", "Oh, of course, you know\nmy heart better than I do.", "You know what's best\nfor me and for us.", "Please, please\ntell me what to do.", "I think you should take\nthe job at the nrdc.", "Of course I should,\nof course I should.", "Guys,", "I'm going to save\nthe planet earth.", "I got to go call jeff.", "What is the matter with you?", "I can't ask him\nto make himself miserable", "Because of a mistake I made.", "It's my problem;\nI'll figure it out.", "That's really sweet.", "Are those new earrings?", "What are you, my mom?", "Jeff, hey, um, it's marshall.", "Jeff: Hey, marshall.", "I have something\nthat I need to tell you.", "I feel really weird\nabout doing this over the phone.", "Then don't.", "Before you say anything,", "Come take a ride\nin this awesome limo with me.", "Where are we going?", "Tuckahoe funland.", "I'm sorry.", "It sounded like you said\n\"tuckahoe funland,", "The magic factory\nwhere dreams are made.\"", "Get in.", "Man, I-I love this place.", "Me, too, buddy.", "So what did you want to tell me?", "I can't work for you.", "I know, dude.", "It's fine.", "Marshall eriksen wants to\npreserve the environment,", "So that our children\ncan enjoy it as we have.", "I get it.", "Good. Thank you.", "I look down and see children\nenjoying this place.", "Yeah, because somebody\nfought to preserve it.", "If they ever shut this place\ndown, it would be a tragedy.", "Well, the good news is,\nthat'll never happen.", "You won't let it.", "Because when you work for us,", "Your only client will be\nthis place...", "Tuckahoe funland.", "I'm taking the job.", "Hey! All right.", "And the best part is", "I'm not even going\nto be representing", "Some sort of evil corporation.", "I will be representing\ntuckahoe funland,", "The least evil place\nin the world.", "Or so marshall thought.", "Great news, great news.", "Uh-oh.", "Oh, I better check on him.", "Barney: Got it. Lance hardwood,", "Sex architect\nstarring ted mosby.", "Terrific.", "You'll notice I'm\nin the credits.", "I did some location scouting.", "Here are the plans for the new\ninternational sex building.", "Wow, that really looks\nlike our apartment.", "It is.", "Oh, I should return these.", "Oh,", "Sex architect,\nyou've done it again.", "Let's go celebrate on the couch."], "How I Met Your Mother S03E07 Dowisetrepla": ["Ted:\nKids, everybody makes mistakes.", "Take this girl meg for instance.", "She made a mistake,\na mistake named barney.", "Yeah,", "I thought I was gonna get\nmarried to my last boyfriend", "But, boy, did that guy\nhave commitment issues.", "That whole relationship...", "That's three weeks of my\nlife I'll never get back.", "Well, I love commitment.", "I wish I could marry commitment.", "Barney: I met a girl", "Last night. Really?", "So perky and full of life", "And not at all fake.", "You're talking about\nher boobs, right?", "S\u00c3\u00ad.", "And that wasn't spanish,\nthat was cup size.", "What up?", "So, these boobs... Hmm.", "Paint me a word picture.", "All right, ted.", "Imagine the heads of\ntwo irish babies. Mmm.", "Let's call them...", "And...", "Please stop!", "Ted: When you get married,", "You start outgrowing certain\nparts of your life.", "And for lily and marshall,\nthose certain parts were,", "For the most part, me.", "Aaaaahh!", "Why would you come in?", "You heard me shaving!", "I thought you were shaving\nyour face!", "Well, clearly I wasn't!", "Oh! No, no!", "Pay up! Ugh!", "Hussy!", "Guys. Hussy? What?", "Guys,", "It's 3:00 in the morning", "And it reeks in here.", "Ted said it was okay.", "Ah, hey, marshall.", "You're still up?", "Aren't you taking\nthe bar tomorrow?", "Discontent was bubbling\nunder the surface,", "Until one day...", "Ted!", "How many times", "Have I asked you to put the lid", "Back on the peanut butter jar?", "It's this sort of inconsiderate,", "Immature jackassery\nthat makes me feel", "Like I'm living\nin the real world house,", "And not the early years\nwhen they all had jobs", "And social consciences.", "I'm talking", "About hawaii and after!", "I can't take this anymore!", "Ted, lily and I", "Are married now!", "It's time!", "We're getting our own place!", "Actually, I left the lid off.", "Sorry, baby.", "But still, it was time\nto move forward.", "So, they set out to find\na new apartment to rent.", "Hey, here's one.", "Pre-war building,\nrecently renovated,", "Hardwood floors, tons of light,", "Two bedroom, two bath.", "Oh, yeah, but that\none's not for rent.", "It's for sale.", "Oh, right.", "Kids, your uncle marshall\nalways likes to say", "That he had made three big\nmistakes in his life.", "This was the first.", "Jump, you big chicken!", "Jump! You afraidy cat!", "Jump! Jump!", "This was the second.", "No!", "And this was the third\nand biggest.", "We should buy a place!", "What?", "Baby, real estate", "Is always a good investment.", "It's not.", "And the market\nis really hot right now.", "It wasn't.", "And because of my new job,", "We are in such a strong\nplace financially.", "They weren't.\nBecause lily had a secret.", "Hi.", "My name is lily", "And I'm a shopaholic.", "Hi, lily.", "Oh, you guys don't do that here?", "Sorry.", "Proceed.", "I buy designer clothes\nand accessories", "That I can't afford.", "I have 15 credit cards,\nand they're all maxed out.", "And no one", "Outside of this room,\nnot even my husband, knows.", "And I, I feel terrible", "Because all I want to do\nright now is ask you", "Where you got those shoes.", "They're adorable.", "We can't buy; we have debt.", "Yeah, I know,", "My student loans are pretty big.", "I forgive you.", "What?", "Well...", "I'm just saying,\nas your wife, you know,", "I'm cool that you spent tens\nof thousands of dollars", "On a brand name law school.", "Because I know it makes you\nfeel good and pretty.", "Let's just go take a look\nat this place.", "Where is it?", "Uh, it's in a\nneighborhood called...", "Dowisetrepla?", "Dowisetrepla.", "Oh, I see, you're\nnot new yorkers.", "Oh, actually we live\non the upper west side, so...", "No need to be embarrassed,\nlisten,", "Here in new york we just\nshorten the names", "Of all the neighborhoods,", "Soho, tribeca, nolita...", "Oh, right.", "Dowisetrepla.", "No, I'm, I'm from new york.", "I know this neighborhood.", "I'm down with d-town.", "Oh, well,\nnobody calls it d-town.", "Dowisetrepla", "Is the up-and-coming\nneighborhood.", "And I have to tell you,\nfor these prices,", "You're not going to be able\nto find another...", "I'm, I'm gonna\nstop you right there.", "Don't bother with the hard sell.", "This place is, is way\nout of our price range,", "And besides, we've only\njust started to looking.", "Is what marshall\nshould have said.", "I'm gonna stop you right there.", "I love it!", "Let's get it!", "Marshall: Thank you, guys, for\ncoming down here so quickly.", "I've never been to\nthis neighborhood.", "Kind of thought this part\nof town was water.", "No, dude.", "This is dowisetrepla.", "Dowisetrepla? Yeah.", "Is that an abbreviation\nfor something?", "He's from ohio.", "Dowisetrepla is the up-and-\ncoming neighborhood. Oh.", "I think this might be the place", "Where lily and I start a family.", "I can see it now.", "Two, three, four.", "All right, bring it home, boys.", "Lily: Sounds great, boys.", "Who wants chocolate pancakes?", "Thanks, mommy!", "Man...", "Life is gonna be sweet!", "Oh, my god, lily, have\nyou seen this kitchen?", "I know. It's...", "Isn't it amazing?", "I just love it so...\nWhat the hell", "Are you doing?", "You can't buy this place.", "Lily, you have a debt", "The size of mount waddington!", "Waddington?", "It's the tallest mountain\nin canada.", "It's like 4,000 meters high.", "Meters?", "Don't let marshall", "Fall in love\nwith this apartment.", "I know, I know, I know, I know,", "But what do I tell him?", "I-I don't know, tell him, um,", "Tell him you saw a ghost.\nTell him it's haunted.", "You really don't know\nmarshall at all.", "So, uh, the owners,", "Where are they? Oh.", "They're on vacation in France", "For two of weeks. I see.", "Between you and me,", "I'm also interested\nin the apartment.", "So is there any way I could", "Come back later and check it out", "While you're showing\nthem other places?", "The lockbox combination is", "1421.", "And here is my card.", "Are you serious?", "You're trying to snake\nthis apartment", "Away from marshall and lily?", "Ted, do you think", "I have no morals whatsoever?", "I simply want", "To fool a girl into thinking\nthis is my apartment", "So I can nail her once and\nnever have to see her again.", "I'm not a monster.", "Now, listen, I don't\nwant to put a lot", "Of pressure on you,\nbut there is one other couple", "That's expressed\nvery serious interest.", "I see what you're doing here.", "\"Another couple.\"", "That crap is page one\nout of the realtor's playbook.", "And we're not buying it.", "Is what marshall\nshould have said.", "Another couple? No!", "We want it. Sell it to us.", "We'll give you\nso much more money.", "Oh, marshall, can I talk to you?", "Marshall, I just...", "I don't know if now is\nthe right time to buy.", "But we're not doing\nthis for now,", "We're doing this for our future.", "Can't you imagine", "Starting a family here?", "Oh, persephone!", "Oh, daphne!", "These'll be a perfect additions", "To our upcoming mother-daughter\nexhibit at the met.", "Looks great, girls.", "Who wants cr\u00c3\u00aapes au chocolat?", "Lily/girls: Merci, papa!", "So... What do you guys think?", "Oh...", "I love it, but, marshall,", "I should have told you this\na long time ago.", "We can't afford to buy\nan apartment", "Because I have too much\ncredit card debt.", "I am so sorry.", "Is what she should have said.", "I love it. Let's get it.", "Can we charge it?", "To lily and marshall", "And their momentous step\nforward into adulthood.", "Cheers.", "Barney/ted/robin:\nChug! Chug! Chug!", "Chug! Chug! Chug! Drink it!", "Yes! Well done. Nice! Yeah!", "Anything else?", "Yes... I've been staring", "At that thing for years.", "Wendy,", "Bring me the comically large", "Bottle of champagne", "Really? Are you sure?", "It's never been refrigerated.", "And I think at some point there\nwas a fish in it.", "Honey, once you've made\nthe sale, stop sellin'.", "All right, but you guys\nhave to help me carry it.", "All right, let's do it.", "Whatever. Let's do this.", "I know what you're thinking.", "I should tell marshall\nthe truth.", "Hey,", "I've got the whole thing\nfigured out.", "We'll apply for the loan\nunder marshall's name,", "And he'll never need to know.", "And then in the meantime,\nI'll slowly work down my debt.", "Right after I furnish\nthe apartment.", "I saw this amazing\nleather sofa today.", "You should be a reality show.", "Nice!", "Nice.", "Wait!", "That cork is the size\nof a softball", "And you're pointing it directly\nat wendy the waitress's face.", "Is what he should have said.", "Now, if you're thinking of\nbuying an apartment,", "It's always good to check\nthe place out at night.", "Welcome to my humble abode.", "This place is so nice.", "Ah, make yourself at home.", "Please, get comfortable.", "If you see something you like,\njust take it.", "Who are these people?", "Uh... That's my parents.", "They're asian.", "Yeah.", "They're a chinese couple\nthat wanted a white baby.", "It works both ways.", "Cookie.", "Wow.", "Did you make those?", "You got me.", "My sisters taught me how to bake", "And how to listen.", "Wow.", "I feel so at home here.", "I'm glad. Sometimes, I don't.", "A place like this really\nneeds a lady of the house.", "I know it's early\nto be thinking of you as...", "Oh, god, I'm freaking you\nout, aren't I?", "It's just you make me\nfeel so safe...", "I didn't...", "The next day,\nlily and marshall went", "To the mortgage broker\nto get a loan.", "Hey, uh,", "Can we get this in singles?", "Before we get the apartment, I\nwant to put in a kiddie pool", "And swim around in it naked.", "Great, that is great! Thank you.", "Thank you.", "Okay, all right,\nback to business now.", "All right, mrs. Aldrin,", "I'm going to need\nyour social as well.", "What? Why?", "I mean, you already\nhave marshall's.", "Yes, but since you're\na married couple,", "You'll be applying\nfor a joint loan, so...", "Well, can we just", "Go ahead and do it\nin my husband's name?", "He's the head of the household.", "He earns the big bucks.", "I mean, can women\neven own property?", "Go ahead, just give\nhim your social.", "Okay, my... My social is, uh...", "Got it.", "Okay.", "Let's see what kind of rate\nI can get you two.", "Under six percent.\nUnder six percent.", "Under six percent, please.", "There we go. Congratulations.", "You have been\napproved for a loan", "At 18%.", "No, way. That-that\ncan't be right.", "You're lucky to be\ngetting a mortgage.", "Let's get out of here, marshall.", "Hold it, I-I don't understand.", "Did we do something wrong or...?", "You have quite a bit of debt.", "My student loans. Great.", "I thought we were friends.", "You know what, it's fine", "To penalize me for trying", "To get an education\nand build a career,", "But I will not let you\ndeprive my beautiful wife", "Of her dream home\njust because I...", "Okay, actually, it's because\nof your wife's credit card debt.", "Oh, my god.", "Marshall, there's something\nI have to tell you,", "And I want you to hear it\nfrom me first.", "Okay, so let me\nget this straight.", "You just snuck this girl\ninto some stranger's apartment?", "Yeah, we spent the night.", "Hey, look at you.", "Hey.", "I'm wearing your bathrobe.", "I hope you don't mind.", "The only thing missing\nfrom that bathrobe", "Are your initials.", "My mom's gonna be\nin town next week.", "Is it okay if she stays with us?", "Only if she sleeps in the bed", "And I sleep on the couch.", "You're so sweet.", "I love you.", "There, I said it\nand I'm not taking it back.", "Oh, my god! I love you, too.", "I'm finally not\nthe first one to say it!", "How about you get in the shower,", "And I will make us some waffles.", "Uh-huh.", "Works every time.", "Wait.", "That time that you\noffered to walk my dogs", "When I went to visit\nmy dad in vancouver...", "Yup.", "Is that why my yorkie trembled", "For like a week\nafter I got back?", "Yeah.", "That little guy saw some\nstuff I'm not proud of.", "Whoa. What?", "There was a fight here.", "What do you mean?", "Whenever marshall and lily have\na big argument, they always", "Leave a trail of evidence\nall over the apartment.", "Oh, god, here we go.", "He had a detective club\nas a kid.", "Uh, the mosby boys", "Cracked a lot of big cases.", "The mosby boys?", "You mean you and your sister.", "We solved the mystery\nof the missing retainer.", "Hmm, let me guess:\nIt was in the garbage.", "Why are you like this?", "Anyway, this is serious.", "I know lily and marshall.", "All the telltale signs are here.", "Like this.", "A water bottle?\nDon't touch the evidence!", "I got your back, partner.", "It's not just any water bottle.", "Notice the label is peeled off.", "Lily always peels labels off", "The bottle when she's\nfeeling guilty.", "This label is not only peeled\noff, but torn up.", "Oh, man, she must have\ndone something bad.", "Which means marshall\nmust have been really angry,", "And when marshall gets\nreally angry...", "He eats.", "Just as I suspected,", "Cherry garcia.", "Given the liquid consistency,", "I place the fight between...\nNoon and 1:00.", "Ew, that was on the floor.", "If you want to get to\nthe bottom of this,", "You're gonna need a stronger\nstomach than that, doll-face.", "Marshall stood here.", "Eating and yelling,\nyelling and eating.", "Lily stood here.", "Crying.", "Ew, ted.", "And then marshall tried", "To storm out...", "But lily went\nfor the hail mary pass.", "Which would mean...", "What do you think, makeup sex?", "No. There'd be a bigger mess.", "Tempted as he was,\nmarshall was still too upset.", "He had to get out of here,\nany way he could.", "He chose the door,", "Slamming it behind him.", "Which is why this picture\nis crooked.", "Nice catch, rook.", "I'll just, uh, take\nthis down to the lab.", "Now all we need is a motive.", "The million-dollar question.", "What were they fighting about?", "I know what they've\nbeen fighting...", "Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.", "There's only one possible\nconclusion.", "Lily and marshall\nwere fighting about:", "Peanut butter. Ah.", "Lily left the lid off...", "Then marshall blew his.", "I know what they were\nfighting about,", "And it wasn't peanut butter.", "Robin, just...\nI appreciate your help,", "But there's a reason your\nname is robin, not batman.", "They were fighting\nbecause they didn't get the loan", "And it's all lily's fault.", "Robin, just... What?", "Yeah, she has a pile of debt\nthe size of mount... Rushmore.", "Nice try, robin.", "So, the next thing lily did", "Was give marshall\na few hours to cool off about", "The peanut butter.", "Then she called him", "To apologize, which is why\nthe last number dialed is...", "Woman: Greenstein\nand lee, divorce attorneys.", "This can't be happening.", "They can't... Get divorced.", "Not lily and marshall, no way.", "Well, it's been nice\nknowing you guys.", "What do you mean? Well...", "Marshall's gonna get you guys,\nlily's gonna get me.", "Even if they did break up,\nthat doesn't mean", "We can't all still hang out.", "I mean, we broke up and we still\nhang out... it's not weird.", "It's a little weird.", "Yeah, it is. It's weird.", "The world needs", "Marshall and lily... Together.", "I'm not crying,\nthere's something in my eye.", "They're back.", "Hey, hey, guys. Hey.", "We have an announcement.", "I know, it's a terrible idea.", "You can't do it!", "Just look at me.", "Oh...", "I hit redial on the phone.", "Divorce lawyers?", "Oh, I should explain.", "We got in a pretty big fight.", "Yeah, I know.", "Marshall stormed out.", "I went, uh, to the bar.", "Still drinking that?", "I paid for it.", "And apparently\nmoney's tight now, so...", "Listen, I've been\nthinking about this,", "And I know there's no way\nto undo what I've done,", "But, well, I made an appointment\nwith a divorce lawyer.", "What?! What?!", "Oh, no, no, no, no-no.", "What, you want a divorce now?\nNo.", "I just mean on paper,", "So that you can\nbuy the apartment", "Without my bad credit\ndragging us down. Lily...", "Are you trying to kill me?", "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have led\nwith the divorce lawyer part.", "No, you shouldn't have.", "I love you, lily.", "I love you, too.", "And I want us\nto have our dream home.", "And, well, I don't know.", "It seems like this\nis a way to do it.", "So...", "Marshall eriksen,", "Will you divorce me?", "That's the sweetest divorce\nproposal I've ever heard.", "So is that a yes?", "You can't sleep\nwith other women though.", "No, we're not getting divorced,", "Not even on paper.", "When I married you, I\nmarried your problems, too.", "The ones I knew about\nand the ones I didn't.", "So, that was the deal.", "We'll figure this out together.", "Can I get you guys\nanything else?", "So you're not getting a divorce?", "No. Ted: Wow, you guys", "Scared us. Oh, thank god.", "'Cause, I mean if you did,", "Then who'd be the lame married\ncouple I get to make fun of?", "Like, \"hey, marshall,\nyou married miss right.\"", "You just didn't know her\nfirst name was always.\"", "That stuff is gold.", "So, what's the announcement?", "I just got off the phone\nwith the realtor.", "We told her that, uh,\nbecause of our finances,", "We're not getting the place.", "It's just...\nIt's not the right time.", "Ted: Is what marshall\nshould have said.", "I just got off the phone\nwith the realtor.", "We got the place!", "We're homeowners!", "Don't do it. Are you insane?", "Have you lost your mind?", "Is what we should have said.", "Yes! Congratulations!\nThat's awesome!", "Wow! Wow! Thank you.", "Aw! This is exciting!", "Yeah. There it is!", "Our new home.", "Shall we?", "We shall.", "Oh! Oh!", "Oh, what a horrible smell.", "It reeks.", "Oh, that's just the plant.", "Don't worry, they shut it\ndown on the weekends.", "Wh-what plant?", "What are you talking about?", "Don't you know?", "Baby, this whole neighborhood\nis downwind", "Of the sewage treatment plant.", "Wait... What did you just say?", "I said, we're downwind", "Of the sewage treatment plant.", "Uh-oh. Uh-oh."], "How I Met Your Mother S03E08 Spoiler Alert": ["Ted: Kids, the early bloom of a\nromance is a wonderful thing.", "You meet someone, you have\na connection, and that person", "Becomes sheer perfection\nin your eyes.", "You just can't find\nanything wrong with them.", "And you can't wait to tell\nthe world about it.", "She convinced you to go jogging?", "Wow, you really want to get\nin this girl's pants.", "I'm telling you,\nyou guys are gonna love her.", "Lily, she knows all about art.", "Marshall,", "She's open to the\nexistence of ufos.", "Barney,", "She's hot. Robin,", "She's not hotter than you.", "Like her already. Lily:\nShe sounds great!", "How not hotter?", "So we all went out to dinner,\nand I couldn't wait", "To see if my friends were\nas crazy about cathy as I was.", "So, what's everyone getting?", "Well, I can't decide.", "Which sounds better,\nchicken or lasagna?", "Lasagna. Just get the lasagna!", "Oh. You guys just\ngot a new place.", "How many bedrooms is it?", "Two. It's two bedrooms!", "Okay! Let's hear it.", "What's wrong with cathy?", "Are you kidding me, ted?\nShe's got a...", "Wait, you don't notice it?", "Notice what?", "Oh, he doesn't see it.", "If we point it out, we're\ngonna ruin her for him.", "As his friends,", "We'll just keep him in the dark.", "You're right.", "She's great, man.", "She's a keeper. Just...", "Keep her somewhere else.", "Marshall, what is everyone's\nproblem with cathy?", "Oh, she's a total nightmare,\nted, but can we talk about", "This later? I'm a minute away\nfrom finding out", "If I'm gonna be a lawyer or not.", "You see, kids,\nduring the summer,", "Marshall had taken\nthe new york bar exam.", "His years of school,\nhis countless hours of study,", "Had finally culminated in this\ngrueling, two-day ordeal.", "And... Begin.", "The pressure of it was enormous.", "Every year, people taking\nthe bar simply cracked.", "No! No!", "No!", "No!", "But marshall\nhad made it through.", "And...", "Time.", "Time's up.", "Right.", "Time.", "Sir. I know.", "Your time is... I know it is.", "Give me...!", "Now, months later, the results\nof that exam were scheduled", "To post online at 10:00,", "And it was 9:59.", "Damn, they're not up yet.", "Oh, don't worry, baby.\nI'm sure you rocked it.", "I mean, how many people\nfail the bar?", "Half.", "Oh, my god, half?", "Only half the people pass?", "I mean, half the people pass.", "That's fantastic.", "Go, marshall.", "Oh, hey, can I jump on there?", "I want to show you\nsomething awesome. What?", "No. Bar results. My future.", "Trust me. You need to see this.", "What is so important\nthat I need to see it right now?", "It's a video of a dog\npooping on a baby.", "How do I need to see that?", "Why would I want to see that?", "In what possible way could\nsubjecting my eyes and my brain", "To something that disgusting\nenrich my life?", "It's a dog pooping on a baby.", "Get away from my computer.", "Okay, just do a quick Google\nsearch for \"caca spaniel.\"", "The results are in.", "Whoo. What's it say?", "\"Input password.\"", "All: Input the password.", "It's okay. They assigned it\nto me when I took the test.", "It's gotta be around here\nsomewhere.", "Here. Here-here-here.", "Jelly beans, fluffernutter,\ngummi bears, ginger snap...", "This is a grocery list.", "For who? A witch building\na house in the forest?", "Sugar helps me study.", "This is like the shopping\na ten-year-old does", "When his parents leave him alone\nfor the weekend.", "What parent leaves a ten-\nyear-old alone for the weekend?", "And your mom was perfect.", "I can't find my password!\nOkay, just...", "Can't you let 'em know\nthat you lost it", "And they'll e-mail it\nto you or something?", "No! They won't let me do that.", "I'm gonna have to wait\ntill the results come", "In the regular mail.", "That could be weeks from now,\nif ever!", "Our mail carrier hates me\never since I asked her", "When the baby was due.", "She wasn't pregnant?", "No, he was not.", "Ooh. Okay, well, that's a drag,", "But the results\nwill come eventually.", "Just try to keep it off\nyour mind until then.", "Hey, brad.", "Oh, congratulations, man.", "I'm, uh... I'm not sure yet.", "I lost my password.", "That's great, cara.", "I don't know yet.\nI lost my password.", "I don't know how I lost it!", "This stuff happens!", "Oh. Ohh! You're one to talk.", "You misplace stuff all the time.", "I'm sorry.", "I'm sure the nurses are\nstealing your medicine, grandma.", "Love you, too.", "If I have to wait six weeks\nto find out if I passed,", "I-I'm gonna have a heart attack.", "Based on that grocery list, I'd\nsay diabetes is a bigger worry.", "You know what?\nLaugh all you want.", "This affects my whole\nfuture, all right?", "I probably shouldn't\nbe telling you this.", "I definitely shouldn't\nbe telling you this,", "But there is a way I can\nhelp you with your problem.", "How?", "I know a guy at work.", "He can get access to software\ndesigned to penetrate firewalls", "And retrieve passwords\nthrough secure servers.", "I can get into any computer.", "So what do we do? Like,\narrange a secret meeting", "In a darkened parking structure?", "No.", "Can we?", "No.", "I have a trench coat.", "Dude, be cool.", "So, I just got off the phone\nwith cathy.", "God, you guys are so right.", "I totally hear it now.", "See it now?", "Smell it?", "What is it?!", "I left the table\nfor two minutes.", "What could she have\npossibly done", "In that time that was\nso horrible? Was it...", "I'll be back in one second.", "One time, in tenth grade,\nas a joke, I told everyone", "That my english teacher\nhad sex with me.", "He's still in jail.", "Or maybe...", "I'll be back in a second.", "So I volunteer at the pound.", "Oh, isn't that nice?", "Yeah. You can't imagine\nthe rush you get", "From killing an unwanted puppy.", "I make bracelets\nout of the collars.", "Or...", "I'll be back in one second.", "I bet he's going to the urinal.", "Yeah.", "I remember when I had a penis.", "It wasn't anything she did\nwhile you were in the bathroom.", "It's just the way she is.", "I don't get it.\nIf it's so obvious", "And you guys all see it,\nhow come I don't?", "'Cause we're not trying\nto have sex with her.", "Mmm. Brother,", "You're driving the \"I want\nto have sex with her\" truck,", "And it's got a huge blind spot.", "That's ridiculous.", "Is it really?", "Ted, let me tell you\na little story", "About a young lady I wanted\nto have sex with... lucilia.", "On a white sand beach\nin rio de janeiro,", "We made love\nfor ten straight hours.", "When we were done,", "She applauded", "And told me\nI was far, far better", "Than the best lover\nshe could possibly imagine,", "And that I had restored\nher faith in god.", "What does this\nhave to do with cathy?", "Who's cathy?", "Just tell me what the hell", "Is wrong with her already.", "Okay. You want to know?", "Yes.", "You want to shatter", "This beautiful illusion\nyou've created for yourself?", "Fine. Here it is.", "Cathy talks... A lot.", "Oh, come on.", "That's not true.", "Ted. Really, really\nthink about that dinner", "We all just had together.", "And I did.", "So, what's everyone getting?", "Well, I can't decide.", "Which sounds better,\nchicken or lasagna?", "I like chicken.", "I like lasagna.\nI like them both,", "But I really like pork.", "A lot of people don't", "Eat pork, and maybe it's because", "Of that movie babe or something.", "But that was funny.", "He was a talking pig", "And he was like \"bah, ram, ewe!\"", "What-what if", "There was a sorority,\n\"bah, ram, ewe?\"", "I'd totally rush it.", "And so I named him dr. Seuss!", "Lorax is a funny word.", "Lasagna! Just get the lasagna!", "Oh, you guys\njust got a new place.", "How many bedrooms", "Is it?", "I would love", "To have an extra bedroom,", "Because I would put\na stairmaster in there.", "But you guts should get\na convertible sofa.", "Or a futon. Futons are great.", "Or what about one of those", "Murphy beds?", "Who invented the murphy bed?", "Was it a guy named murphy?", "Oh, my god.", "Do you guys remember\nthat show murphy brown?", "That was a funny show.", "She had a new assistant\nevery episode.", "And it was like a half an hour", "Before I realized he wasn't\neven on the phone anymore!", "Isn't that hysterical?", "Two! It's two bedrooms!", "Hey, do you guys like cannolis?", "Because I know this place\nand it's in the south bronx", "And you wouldn't expect it,", "But they have the best\ncannolis in town.", "And just like that,\nthe illusion was shattered.", "Wow.", "She just never\nshuts up, does she?", "She didn't stop\nto swallow her food.", "I was scared for her.", "I didn't want her to choke.", "At first.", "So kids, this girl I was dating\nwould not stop talking.", "Can you imagine\nhow awful that is?", "I'm so glad that we're staying\nin tonight, because the thing", "About going out is that\nyou have so many...", "Do you own a wok?\nBecause what's really...", "Don't you just love autumn?", "Today I'm dressed for...", "Oh, my god.\nYou're the sweetest...", "This great place\nwhere we can go.", "They have guys'\nand girls' clothes.", "We could both shop\nat the same time.", "And a lot of times boyfriends\nand girlfriends...", "Hey!", "Why are you running so fast?", "Well, thank you, pal.", "You and your little friends,", "You just had to tell me.", "You just had to give in\nto my incessant begging.", "You said\nthat you wanted to know.", "I didn't want to know!", "You said you wanted to know!", "Well, I didn't know\nI didn't want to know!", "You knew. And you know me.", "And you should have known\nI didn't want to know!", "You know?", "I'm sorry we told you.", "I'm surprised she didn't tell\nyou herself at some point.", "There's only a finite\ncombination of words", "In the english language.", "Well, you could have let me\nenjoy it a little longer.", "She's got all these", "Other great qualities.", "She's smart. She's caring.\nShe loves animals...", "You know how to teach her a\nlesson? Buy her a parrot.", "Oh, come on. I'm sorry\nthat we told you, okay?", "It's part of being\nin a relationship.", "Eventually, you get used\nto these annoying little things", "That bug you at first.", "Yeah, I guess.", "I mean, you got used\nto lily's loud chewing, right?", "Lily doesn't chew loudly.", "Dude...", "Come on. This isn't news.", "Why do you think I call her\n\"chewbacca\"?", "I assumed because she's loyal,\nwears shiny belts", "And I resemble\na young harrison ford.", "Think about it.", "Oh, man, honestly, dude,\nthat's the meanest thing", "You've ever done to me.", "I really thought you knew.", "We had ribs the other night.\nIt sounded like jurassic park.", "Ha-ha-ha-ha. You know what?", "It doesn't matter.", "But it did.", "Say, what's in that cereal", "Besides dry twigs\nand small animal bones?", "What's that supposed to mean?", "Lily, I love you,\nbut honest to god,", "When you eat, it sounds like\na garbage disposal", "Full of drywall screws.", "What's the matter with you?", "We've been together ten years,\nand you're saying this now?", "Well, I never noticed it before\nuntil...", "Until what?", "Can you believe ted?", "What a lame thing to say,", "That I'm a loud chewer.", "Yeah, that's crazy.", "Maybe enough with the pretzels.", "Oh, my god, do I really chew\nthat loudly?", "No, no, no.", "Okay, now that\nyou pointed it out,", "Maybe it does sound\nslightly like someone put", "A screwdriver\nin a pencil sharpener,", "But in a cute way.", "This is all ted's fault.", "Oh, like he's so perfect,\nmr. Corrector.", "What do you mean?", "Oh, come on. You dated\nthe guy for a year", "And you never noticed\nthat most of what ted says", "Is correcting you.", "Hey, can you hand me a kleenex?", "Actually, kleenex is a brand.", "This is a facial tissue.", "Oh, my god, is frankenstein\ngonna kill that little girl?", "Uh, dr. Frankenstein\nisn't in this scene.", "That's frankenstein's monster.", "That literally blew my mind.", "Figuratively.", "Oh, my god, you're right.", "That is so annoying.", "Isn't it?", "Where are those pretzels from,\nace hardware?", "Hey, man, do you\nlike kettle corn?", "I'm trying to get rid\nof anything crunchy.", "Are the blinds closed?", "I don't know.", "Are the blinds closed?!", "Yes, the blinds are closed.\nNow, what...?", "Good, I didn't think\nI was followed,", "But you can never be too sure.", "Now double-lock the door", "Is there a reason that\nyou're acting like this?", "We're about to find out\nif you're a lawyer.", "Now, in good conscience,\nI have to inform you", "That using this software", "Is in violation\nof the patriot act,", "The strategic defense\ninitiative,", "And the national security act\nof 1948, which created the cia.", "So I hope you passed\nthe bar because", "If we use this software,\nthe night janitor gligor", "Who I fooled into putting\nfingerprints on my computer,", "Is going to need a good lawyer.", "Are you certain you want\nto go through with this?", "I have to know, yes, yes.", "Very good.", "First, we go to the new york\nstate bar web site.", "We disable the firewall,\nthen the recursive algorithm", "Grabs your password, and as\nthe application erases itself", "Leaving no trace\nwe were here ever...", "You ready\nto see your future, bro?", "Yes.", "It's a dog pooping on a baby.", "Right! Isn't that awesome?", "So you went through\nall this just to get me", "To look at your stupid video?", "Yeah, it was worth it.", "Barney, barney, that was\nthe biggest test of my life.", "I'm incredibly stressed out\nright now, and I...", "Okay, that's pretty funny.", "Ted, you got to see this.\nRight...", "Uh-huh, yeah, I have to...", "She'll call back\nwhen she realizes I'm gone.", "Probably in about 45 minutes.", "Hey. Hi.", "You guys want a drink?", "I'll just have a water.", "Mm, technically,\nwater is a drink.", "Really, professor?", "You drink it?\nIs that how water works?", "Because I was just gonna\nsmear it on my skin", "And hope I absorbed it.", "Or you could, you know,\npour it over your shirt.", "What's with you?", "You're always correcting people.", "You totally do that!\nThat's absolutely right.", "Right? I never\nnoticed it before,", "And now it's literally\ndriving me crazy.", "Figuratively.", "Okay, maybe so,\nbut it's no worse", "Than you using the word\n\"literally\"", "In every other sentence.", "You kind of do that.\nHe's got a point.", "Don't they teach\nvocabulary in canada?", "They literally don't.\nThey literally don't.", "Shut up, marshall.\nThat's nothing compared", "To your thing of singing\nwhat you do all the time.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Paying my bills,\nusing return address labels \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa From a charity\nthat I haven't given money to \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Writing a check\n'cause now I feel guilty \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa The salivation army\ndoes not fight fair. \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Heading down to\nthe basement today \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa With my laundry\nand a roll of quarters \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa But I'm back too soon", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa 'cause I left the room\nwithout detergent \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And the fabric softener", "Ted: Wow. That is annoying.", "Those rhymes are so sloppy.", "Oh, come on!", "What about you, \"barney\"?", "Okay, you...", "Always... Ah!", "Interesting, interesting,", "Everyone has annoying habits\nbut me.", "Oh, got it.", "Okay, you sometimes talk\nin a weird high-pitched voice.", "And you're constantly using\nlame catchphrases.", "And sometimes you space out\nand don't even pay attention", "To what we're talking about.", "I'm sorry. What?", "Oh, see?", "You can't think of anything", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa 'cause I'm awesome!", "All three right there.", "Well, technically, \"awesome\"\nwouldn't be a catchphrase.", "If anything,\nit's more of a catchword.", "I literally want\nto rip your head off.", "You mean \"figuratively\"!", "No, I literally mean\n\"literally.\"", "literally, literally literally.", "Oh, my god, lily, what\nare you eating, gravel?", "Oh, I know, right?", "It sounds like cufflinks\ngoing up a vacuum cleaner.", "Well, why don't\nyou sing about it?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Because I don't sing\nabout everything I do... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "No, no, sometimes you just sing\nnonsense sentences", "Like a stroke victim,", "And what's worse,", "They're catchy.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Apple, orchard, banana,\ncat dance \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "All: \u00e2\u0099\u00aa 8663", "See? We know that one\nbecause once you sang that", "For, like, three hours.\nWhat the hell is that?", "That's my password.", "Aobcd8663.", "Oh, marshall! Awesome!", "There's another one.", "It's called \"golden reliever,\"\nwhere this dog... Yeah,", "We can guess. All right, guys,", "Guys, guys.", "I'm a lawyer.", "And just like that", "We stopped fighting and\ncelebrated marshall's success.", "You see, when someone's bad\nhabits are pointed out to you,", "It's hard to ignore them.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I'm a lawyer now\n'cause I passed the bar \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I'm imposing marshall law\non this champagne. \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Are you literally\non cloud nine right now?", "Baby, you never have\nto take the bar again.", "Actually, if he practices law\nin another state,", "He will have to,", "But new york, man!", "It's a great state\nto practice law in!", "Lawsuit up!", "Yeah! Whoo!", "Yeah! Yeah!", "But if you love them enough,", "Those bad habits\nare easy to forget.", "Three years later, I ran into\ncathy, and she was doing well.", "Ted?! Oh, my god, I haven't\nseen you in so long!", "How long has it been?\nThree years? No, four years.", "No, three years, 'cause I went\nblonde and then I went back", "'cause I was having\ntoo much fun.", "You know, it's true what they\nsay: Blondes have more fun.", "Oh, my god, I'm being so rude.\nTed, this is my fianc\u00c3\u00a9.", "Yes, I'm engaged.\nTed, this is daniel.", "Great...", "You guys", "Seem perfect for each other.", "Oh, my god. I know, right?", "Totally, it was like love\nat first sight.", "Hey, we should go out sometime.", "Are you seeing anyone?\nBecause we could double-date.", "Would that be weird? No, it's\nnot weird. We can go", "Have brunch down the street.\nI know this place.", "Do you guys like popovers?\nBecause I love popovers.", "They're like croissants, but\nthey're a little bit", "Less flaky\nand they're kind of round.", "Hey, they have strawberry jam."], "How I Met Your Mother S03E09 Slapsgiving": ["Ted: Back when we were dating,\nrobin and I had this running joke.", "We were the only two people in\nthe world who found it funny.", "No way.", "March does not have 31 days.", "Yes, it does.", "Everyone knows that.", "It's like general knowledge.", "General knowledge.\nGeneral knowledge.", "And we did it all the time.", "Isn't it sad?", "I mean in 2007,", "Some countries actually still\ncondone corporal punishment.", "Corporal punishment.\nCorporal punishment.", "Because once you start,", "It's surprisingly hard to stop.", "Oh, man, I got a kernel\nstuck in my teeth.", "Colonel stuck-in-my-teeth.", "Please stop! I hate you!\nYou're killing me!", "But now, we were broken up,\nso when marshall said...", "But after the first year,\nI get a major pay raise.", "We just let it slide.", "You see, on the surface,\nrobin and I looked like", "We were doing great.", "But the truth is,", "Trying to be friends\nwith your ex", "Is a lot harder than it looks.", "You can't be as candid\nas you used to be.", "So then hot intern\nleans over my desk,", "I can totally see\nshe has a pierced...", "Brosnan.", "Pierce brosnan is my\nfavorite of all the bonds.", "But most importantly, you can\nnever, ever be alone together.", "I gotta go.", "I'm gonna go pay. Peeing.", "I'm gonna help marshall pay.", "I'm gonna help lily pee.", "All right, we have a turkey.", "Yeah, we do.", "Isn't this exciting?", "Our first thanksgiving\ntogether as a group.", "Yeah, this is gonna be\nthe best slapsgiving ever.", "What?", "I said this is going to be", "The best thanksgiving ever.", "Yeah, this is going to be great.", "Just the five of us, right?", "Oh, uh, that reminds\nme: I invited bob.", "Bob?", "You've been on, like,\nthree dates with that guy.", "We haven't even met him.", "Well, he didn't have\nanywhere else to go,", "And I didn't know what to say.", "Is it really that big a deal?", "Yes.", "This is our first thanksgiving.", "30 years from now, we're\ngoing to look at the photos", "And say, \"oh, there's the four\npeople I love most in the world.\"", "And bob.\"", "I'm sorry, sometimes I forget", "How seriously you guys\ntake american thanksgiving.", "Real thanksgiving happened\nover a month ago.", "I'm sorry.", "Did you just say\ncanadian thanksgiving was,", "And I'm quoting,\n\"the real thanksgiving\"?", "What do canadians even\nhave to celebrate about?", "Canadian thanksgiving", "Celebrates explorer\nmartin frobisher's valiant", "Yet ultimately unsuccessful\nattempt", "To find the northwest passage.", "Why are you guys even a country?", "Oh, hey, by the way,", "If anyone wants to come\nover early Thursday,", "We can watch the\nslapsgiving day parade.", "Well, there, you said it again.", "Said what?", "Slapsgiving.", "Oh, I guess I did.", "You know why? I've invented\na new holiday: Slapsgiving.", "It's the one day we set aside\neach year", "To gather together\nand give slaps.", "Ted: I should explain.", "Kids, you remember the slap bet.", "A year earlier, marshall\nmade a bet with barney", "And won the right to slap him\nfive times.", "He had already used the first.", "And the second.", "But marshall had something\nspecial in store for the third.", "Slapcountdown.Com.", "No.", "No, no.", "The countdown ends at 3:00 p.M.,", "The day after thanksgiving.", "I counted it out.", "How many days are in October?", "Uh, thirty.", "Dude, I thought\nwe cleared this up last year.", "I like Halloween very much.", "Is nice.", "Is also tomorrow.", "Damn it!", "Wait, you're gonna slap me\non thanksgiving?", "Slapsgiving.", "That's not allowed.", "Lily, you're the slap bet\ncommissioner, is that allowed?", "The hostess in me\nwho's using her wedding china", "For the first time\nwants to say hell, no,", "But yeah, I'm going to allow it.", "Well, you know what?", "If you're trying to freak me out", "About spending thanksgiving...", "Slapsgiving.", "At your place, then you failed.", "Truth is, I'm not scared.", "Really?\nRight. 'cause you blew it.", "Hmm. The worst part\nabout getting slapped", "Is not knowing\nwhen it's going to happen.", "But now I know exactly when\nI'm gonna get slapped.", "So, you took\nall the suspense out.", "You showed your hand.", "And Thursday at 3:01 p.M.,", "Your face is going\nto show my hand.", "Oh, there's bob!", "By the way, heads up, he's\na little bit older than us.", "How old is he?", "He's forty-one.", "Hey, bob!", "Over here!", "Ted: Okay, kids, the truth is,\nbob probably looked like this.", "Hey, sweetie. Hi.", "But when your ex\nis dating someone new,", "Your mind tends to\naccentuate their flaws.", "This is how I saw bob.", "Hey, dudes, what's crackin'?", "Hey... Hey, man, how are you?", "Marshall: Good to meet you.", "Sorry I'm late.", "I just got off the phone\nwith my parents.", "Parents?", "They were totally on my case:", "\"what are you gonna do with your life?\nYou're forty-one.\"", "And I'm like, \"chillax,\nsnowboarding is a legit career.\"", "You ought to be stoked\nI found my bliss.\"", "And speaking of bliss,\nsugar me, baby.", "Ooh.", "Robin: Mm...", "Let's go get a drink.", "Wow!", "Unbelievable.", "Robin is dating\norville redenbacher.", "What are you talking about?", "He's forty-one. He looks great.", "Yeah, dude he's in\npretty good shape.", "He could kick your ass.", "How are you guys\nnot seeing this?", "He's 150; robin's 27.", "Barney, come on,\nwhat do you got?", "Nothing but respect\nfor that man.", "Oh, by the way, we're all baking\npies at robin's tomorrow.", "Marshall can't be trusted in the\napartment with pies overnight.", "For the millionth time,", "Sleep-eating is a very serious\nand delicious medical condition.", "Hey, uh, what time are you guys\ngoing to robin's?", "7:30.", "Perfect.", "Just to be safe,\nI'll get there like 8:00, 8:30.", "Hey. Hey.", "Sorry I'm late.", "Where are marshall and lily?", "Uh, they just called.", "They're both super swamped\npreparing for tomorrow.", "Is bob coming?", "No, he went to see green day.", "So it's...", "Just the two of us.\nJust the two of us.", "Making pies.", "Pies. They're things that\nfriends make together.", "Yeah, they do.", "Yeah. Yeah.", "Great. Yeah.", "Great. Well, this is great.", "It'll give us a chance to catch up.\nYeah.", "I'm going to make a phone call.\nI'll put it in the oven.", "Hey, it's me.", "Listen, you have to come over\nhere and make pies.", "Yeah, I'll be there, absolutely.", "Oh, awesome, you're a lifesaver.", "It's still kind of weird\nbeing alone with robin,", "But if you were here...", "Hey, say no more.", "I mean, when I pulled", "You out\nof that burning wreckage,", "I wasn't doing it to have\na battleship named after me.", "But if you insist,", "Yes, I'll be there\nfor the christening.", "You're hitting on someone\nright now, aren't you?", "No, I'm not going to wear\nthe medal of honor.", "That would just be tacky.", "So you're not coming\nto make pies.", "No, no.", "Thank you, mr. President.", "Sorry.", "After a very long night, it was\nfinally the big holiday.", "Sorry, the two big holidays.", "Oh, marshall,", "Are you working\non the cranberry sauce?", "In a minute, baby.\nI've only got so many hands.", "You see what I got\ngoing on here?", "They're turkeys,\nbut they're also hands,", "Because later,\nwe're going to eat turkey...", "And then I'm going to slap\nyou in your face.", "Please, you took out\nall the suspense.", "In a horror movie,", "The killer does not grab\na bullhorn and announce,", "\"attention unsupervised teens\nhere at the lake house:", "\"at precisely 3:00 a.M.,", "\"I'm gonna jump out of that\ncloset right there", "\"and hack you all up\nwith a machete.", "P.S. Fire is my one weakness.\"", "Hey, ted.", "Hey, happy thanksgiving.\nYou, too.", "Is lily in the kitchen?", "Yep. Great.", "Marshall? Lily?", "Yeah? Uh-huh?", "Both: Something really\nweird happened last night.", "What do you mean something weird\nhappened last night?", "You may not realize this,\nbut since we broke up,", "Robin and I have never really\nbeen alone together.", "So we're in the kitchen,", "Starting on the pies,\nand we realize,", "We don't have a damn thing\nto say to each other.", "I mean, you can't talk about", "How close you used to be.", "You can't talk about how close", "You're not now.", "You just feel\nlike everything you say", "Is gonna make things worse.", "Exactly. And you know why?", "Because you don't want to hurt\nsomeone you really care about,", "Especially around the holidays.", "I mean, what decent human being\nwould want to cause", "Any kind of emotional\nor physical pain...", "You're still getting slapped.", "I wanted to leave,\nbut I couldn't stick her", "With making all the pies\nby herself.", "She was exhausted.", "I yawned like a million times\ntrying to get him to leave.", "Yeah, some people\njust can't take a hint.", "By the way,\nI'm really swamped in here.", "I kept looking at the clock\nand sighing...", "Totally clueless.", "Uh-huh. I'm not sure\nI have time to mash", "Those potatoes, you're\nstanding right next to.", "And then ted does the thing\nthat he always does", "When there's an awkward silence.", "Yep. Masher's right there,\nnext to the pot.", "He panics and says the first\nthing that pops into his head.", "Hey, did you know that", "The first pies in recorded\nhistory came from ancient egypt?", "Remember last year's\nthanksgiving,", "When we had sex seven times?", "Ooh. Terrible. What?!", "I thought it would break\nthe ice.", "I'd already broken the ice\nwith my cool pie fact.", "Then he makes it\nten times more awkward.", "How do you respond\nto something like that?", "Did you know that the egyptian\npyramids can be seen from space?", "Probably?", "Ooh, the oven's pre-heated!", "Okay, um...", "The pecan pie is gonna take\nthe longest.", "Why don't we put\nthat one in first?", "Pecan pie?\nWhy are we making that?", "Um, it's my favorite.", "You're allergic.", "I know. I just like smelling it.", "It's like eating with your nose.", "So we're making a pie for bob.", "Well...", "Yeah.", "She's got you making pies\nfor this guy?", "Yeah. Wow.", "That is a real slap in the face.", "You know, you could have\njust told me it was for bob.", "Yeah, I-I just thought\nit might upset you.", "Upset me? Wait a second.", "Do you think that...", "Do you think\nthat I'm jealous of bob?", "I don't know.", "Is it so ridiculous to think\nthat you might be?", "Yes. Why?", "Because he's\na thousand years old.", "No, ted, what are you doing?", "Right?", "The only reason\nI'm jealous of bob", "Is that we can only talk about\nthe first thanksgiving,", "But he was actually there.", "Come on.", "The only reason", "I'm jealous of bob is because", "I heard noah gave him shotgun\nin the ark.", "Ted...", "The only reason", "I'm jealous of bob", "Is that I'm just an architect,\nbut he discovered fire.", "How do you top that?", "He's 41! Why are you bashing\non him so hard?", "I'm not. I'm just joking around.", "That's what friends do.", "It's mean.", "Well, how come we're all allowed\nto bust on barney", "When he dates some skanktron,", "But when you sleep\nwith the crypt keeper's dad,", "I'm not allowed to say a word?", "First of all, bob and I\nare not sleeping together.", "We're just dating.", "Secondly, have I said one word", "About the parade\nof dubious conquests", "You've been marching past me\nthe last few months?", "One of whom got you\na butterfly tattoo?", "Hey, that is... And if you and\nI are such good friends...", "Why is baking a pie for bob\nso weird?", "Yeah, if you and I are\nsuch good friends,", "Why couldn't you just tell me\nthat's what we were doing?", "Okay, maybe we should\ntalk about this later.", "I-I should get going.", "Well, what are we doing?\nIt's thanksgiving.", "I don't know. I'm sorry.", "This is stupid.", "I'm sorry, too.", "Of course we're friends.", "I'm glad we're friends.", "Me, too.", ": You guys slept\ntogether last night?", "That is a terrible idea!", "Horrible idea.", "Relapse five!", "That's where we high-five,", "Then it's awkward\nfor a little bit...", "And then we high-five again!", "What the hell were you doing?", "Let's review:", "You and ted broke up\nsix months ago,", "Yep. You're dating\nanother man...", "You are correct, sir.", "Who's coming to my\nthanksgiving today...", "That is a truth-fact.", "An event ted is also attending.\nKa-blammo.", "Why are you trying to destroy\namerican thanksgiving?!", "Oh, lily, it's not\nas bad as it sounds.", "Bob and I aren't that serious,", "And what happened last night\nwith ted was a fluke.", "Well, did you guys\nat least talk about it?", "There's office material... I\nhear something burning...", "Clearly, we need to ignore this.", "Clearly, we need\nto talk about this.", ": You know?\nTo save the friendship.", "Hi. Hi.", "We need to talk.\nStuffed mushroom?", "We need to talk\nabout last night.", "Did you know that some\nmushrooms are carnivorous?", "Probably... Not?", "Ted, can we please\njust deal with this?", "Look, I'm, I'm not mad.", "I just think...\nWait, wait, wait, wait.", "Why would you be mad...\nYou started it?", "What?! You're crazy!", "We called a truce, we hugged,", "And when I tried to pull away,\nyou kept your hand on my neck.", "Only because your hand\nwas still around my waist.", "Oh, come on! You leaned into it.", "I... Leaned into it? Yeah.", "You're like the crappy kid\nin little league", "Who knows he's not going\nto make contact,", "So he just...\n\"oops, I got hit by the pitch.", "Better take my base.\"", "Oh, that was you\nin little league, wasn't it?", "My on-base percentage\nwas off the charts!", "Marshall: Oh, no!", "The slap-petizers.", "You know what? That's it!", "This is thanksgiving.\nSolve this right now.", "And if you have sex again,\nneither of you gets dessert!", ": Oh, what the hell kind\nof thanksgiving is this anyway?", "Um, most thanksgivings.", "Don't stress, baby.", "I'll try to find us\nsomething relaxing.", "Thanks, baby.", "Ooh, some classical\nmusic, maybe.", "Oh, my!", "Look at that.", "That means we're in the final\nhour of the countdown.", "I'm not scared.", "Then why is your right cheek\ntwitching?", "It's not...", "Maybe it's because future me\nslaps future you so hard,", "It reverberates\nback to the present,", "Shattering\nthe time-slap continuum.", "Please don't slap me.", "I'm sorry, what?", "Oh, god! Don't slap me again!", "I don't want\nto get slapped again,", "And the first two times hurt\nso bad, I don't like it!", "I don't like it one bit!", "Well, I thought I ruined it by\nputting a clock on it, barney.", "Well, you didn't ruin it;\nyou made it so much worse!", "I can't eat.", "I can't sleep.", "I've lost ten pounds;\nmy suits are wearing me.", "You know what? I'm outta here.", "Well, no, no, no.\nYou can't leave.", "Why can't I?!", "Nowhere in the rules does\nit say that I have to sit", "Through sort of mental torture!", "You are allowed to slap\nmy face, sir,", "But you are not allowed\nto slap my mind!", "Good day!", "But it's slapsgiving.\nNo! It's not!", "It's thanksgiving!", "Our first one\nas a married couple,", "As grownups...", "And you're not even trying\nto be a part of it!", "None of you are!", "So...", "As slap bet commissioner,\nI'm issuing a ruling.", "Thanksgiving is a day of peace.", "There will be no slaps today!", "What?! Yes!", "In your face!", "Not my face... Your face!", "What's up, dudes? All: Hey, bob.", "Baby, please... No!", "The slap bet commissioner's word\nis final,", "So get in the kitchen\nand mash some potatoes, now.", "And for the rest of the day,", "We are going to enjoy\na civilized, grownup holiday.", "Not too grownup.", "I made jell-o shots.", "We's gonna get silly, bitches.", "Robin: Look at us!", "We can't be alone\ntogether, can we?", "Apparently not.", "What does that mean?", "We're supposed to be friends.", "Well...", "We aren't friends, are we?", "Not really.", "We avoid each other.", "We smile politely.", "We're two people\nwho pretend to be friends", "Because it would be\ninconvenient not to.", "Well, maybe we should stop\npretending.", "Maybe we should.", "So...", "Oh, what do we do now?", "I suppose...", "We eat dinner.", "Yeah.", "And then that's it.", "Okay.", "Happy thanksgiving.", "So we sat down\nto our first thanksgiving", "Together as a group...\nAnd, apparently, our last.", "Marshall, you're not eating.", "Did something spoil", "Your slap-petite?", "No. I just thought...\nBefore we eat,", "Maybe the chef would like to say\na few words.", "Nope. This sucks.\nEat up and leave.", "Well, then, I'd like\nto say something.", "If that's cool?", "Um... Today,\nlily did something great.", "Not only did she gather us\nall here together", "And cook a delicious meal,", "But she also started\na new tradition.", "We're gonna do this again\nnext year,", "And the year after that... maybe\nfor the rest of our lives.", "I think that's pretty amazing\nif you think about it.", "And it's all thanks to you,\nlily.", "I love you.", "So, to the first\nof many thanksgivings together.", "This is rad!", "A nice, small,\nsimple thanksgiving.", "I'm the youngest of ten\nin my family,", "So our thanksgiving is a mess.", "All the yelling\nand the screaming...", "Ted and then a funny\nthing happened...", "It's really a major buzz-kill.", "Major buzz-kill.\nMajor buzz-kill.", "Oh, no...", "I thought we were done\nwith that?", "I guess we're not.", "Guess we're not.", "You see, kids, friendship is\nan involuntary reflex...", "It just happens,\nyou can't help it.", "That first thanksgiving turned\nout to be a wonderful dinner", "With the four people\nI love most in the world...", "And bob.", "And it did become a tradition.", "That's why every year,\nwe go to aunt lily", "And uncle marshall's\nfor thanksgiving.", "Hey, check it out!", "We're in the last 20 seconds", "Of marshall's countdown\nto nothing.", "Barney, put it away.", "How does it feel, marshall,\nto sit there, impotently...", "Your large, flaccid hand,\njust dangling in the wind?", "The slap will occur in ten...", "Ooh, classy touch, dude.", "Too bad!", "Barney, put it away. Six...", "I will in... Five...\nFive, four...", "You can slap him. Three...", "What?! Wait, you... Two...", "One.", "That's three!", "Thanks, baby, you're the best.", "And as a special, added bonus,\nI've composed a song", "Just for this occasion.", "Ted, lights!", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa What is this feelin'", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa that's put you\nin your place? \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa A hot, red burnin' on the side\nof your face \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa You feel the blood rush\nto your cheek \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Tears start to fill\nyour eyes \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And your lips are tremblin'", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa but you can't speak,\nyou're tryin' \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Oh, you're tryin'", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa not to cry!", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Ya just got\nsla-apped \u00e2\u0099\u00aa \u00e2\u0099\u00aa oh, oh!", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Across the face, my\nfriend \u00e2\u0099\u00aa \u00e2\u0099\u00aa oh, oh, oh", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa you just got slapped", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa whoa-oh-oh-oh! \u00e2\u0099\u00aa\nYes, that really \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Just happened", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Everybody saw it", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa and everybody laughed\nand clapped \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa It was awesome", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa wait, you just got... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Slapped.", "Happy slapsgiving, everybody.", "Well, guys, have fun.", "Whoa, this is gonna\nbe a major cleanup.", "Major cleanup. Major cleanup.\nMajor cleanup.", "Oh, man.", "We're going to be doing this\nall the time now, aren't we?", "That's the general idea.", "General idea. General idea.\nGeneral idea.", "Oh, god."], "How I Met Your Mother S03E10 The Yips": ["Ted: Kids, back in 2007, it\nseemed like everyone belonged", "To these silly things\ncalled gyms.", "The idea was you'd pay\nthem lots of money", "To run around\nand lift heavy things.", "Biggest rip-off in the world.", "And yet people fell for it.", "Including me.", "Oh, forgot my wallet.", "It started with one\nof those moments", "When you realize\nyou're not as in shape", "As you want to be.", "Whoo...", "That's further than it looks.", "Aw, coupon's on my dresser.", "That's too far. Forget it.", "Please don't judge me.", "I wound up shame-eating\nthe whole pizza.", "I woke up all greasy and sweaty.", "My sheets looked like what they\nwrap deli sandwiches in.", "Maybe I should join a gym.", "Do you go to a gym?", "Well, I go to total rip fitness,\nbut I don't work out there.", "What do you do?", "I invest.", "There goes one\nof my investments now.", "Cheryl, hard work's paying off.", "Keep up the good work.", "So your investments are women?", "Yes.", "Women who, how shall\nI put this delicately?", "They fat.", "So, I come here,", "Give them lots of attention now.", "Then when they get hot, who's\nthe first guy they run to?", "The one who invested in them\nwhen they weren't.", "Wow, I can't decide if\nI'm thoroughly disgusted", "Or really, really impressed.", "Of course, not all\ninvestments pay dividends.", "See the girl over there at the\nvending machine... tonya.", "She is one kit kat away\nfrom junk bond status.", "Hey, barney.", "Becky, elliptical machine's", "Really working for you.\nNice stuff.", "That one's going to reward\nshareholders soon.", "I foresee aggressive\ngrowth in my future.", "What up?", "Wow, that makes me\nwant to join a gym.", "So I can get super strong", "And punch you really hard\nin the face.", "Yes, we should all do it.", "Yeah, let's all punch\nbarney in the face.", "No, I'm serious.", "We should totally join a gym.", "Come on, we put on", "The beer weight together...", "Might as well\ntake it off together.", "Or we could just\nstop drinking beer.", "No. I say we join a gym.", "Are you marshall? Yeah.", "Hi, I'm trish.", "I'm the trainer\nyou signed up for.", "Oh, hi.", "Really great", "To meet you, trish.", "It's a pleasure.", "Marshall, can I talk\nto you for a second?", "Sure. Great.", "Just a second.", "Yeah, sweetie, I think", "She maybe just a little\ntoo hot to be your trainer.", "I get it.", "I mean, I see what\nyou're worried about.", "But this is just about me\ntaking care of myself.", "You'll always be my sugar.", "So, marshall, are you ready", "To make a commitment\nto your body?", "Pssh! Please, I'm all about\ncommitting to my body.", "I'll drive to vermont and\nhave a commitment ceremony", "To my body if you want.", "That was a weird thing to say.", "All right.\nStart with 100 push-ups.", "All right, cool. How many\ndo you want me to do? 100.", "Oh, I thought that was a figure\nof speech... 100 push-ups,", "Like do a bazillion push-ups.", "No one can do 100.", "Do you smell that?", "No.", "It smells like there's\na little bitch in my gym.", "Are you being a little bitch\nin my gym?", "No.", "Then get on the floor\nand give me 100!", "You don't have to yell at me.", "I love it here.", "It's just normal women\nwho want to get in shape.", "I don't have to put on makeup,\ndo my hair,", "Wear some trendy outfit.", "Yeah, this place is great.", "We're meeting our friend\nrobin here.", "I hope you don't hate her.\nShe's pretty hot.", "Shut up.", "Lily, tell him to shut up.", "I'm sorry, lesbian prison guard,\ndo we know each other?", "Ted, lily, you'll never believe\nwhat just happened.", "Oh, hey, dude, I'm barney.", "So I was at the smoothie bar...", "What can I get you?", "Oh, my god! Rhonda?", "It's barney.", "Barney stinson from\nstaten island boulevard.", "Hey, barney stinson from\nstaten island boulevard.", "What can I get you?", "I can't believe\nshe didn't remember me.", "Why? Who is she?", "That's rhonda.", "I lost my virginity to her.", "Aw, baby, are you still sore?", "Trish made me do 70 push-ups,", "But she only gave me\ncredit for ten.", "The she had me do 100 sit-ups", "And then she made me cry,\nusing only her words.", "It just doesn't add up.", "How could rhonda\nnot remember me?", "Well, maybe it wasn't\nthat good for her.", "I mean, it was your first time.", "Ted, it's me.", "I rocked her world.", "You don't believe me?\nOkay, story time.", "The year was 1998.", "I'd been going out with shannon\nsince freshman year of college.", "We were saving ourselves.", "So, when we broke up,", "There I was,\n23 and still a virgin.", "I knew nothing about girls.", "So I went to the guy", "Who knew everything about\ngirls... my brother james.", "Wait, your gay brother james?", "Yeah, this was before\nhe was gay.", "Barney...", "Barney, you need to find a girl", "And have sex with her asap.", "That is what dudes\ndo after a breakup.", "I know. I want to, but...\nI guess I'm just scared.", "Of course you're scared.", "It's gross.", "The thought of doing\nthat with a woman...", "But it's part of being a guy.", "Try thinking about baseball.", "Somehow I imagine\nthose players on the field", "And it's over a lot faster.", "But I don't know the first thing\nabout seducing a woman.", "What do you...? How do you...?", "Where do you...?", "Stop. Don't overthink it.", "You don't want to get the yips.", "The yips?", "Yeah, when you overthink\nsimple things so much", "That you can't do them at all.", "The yips.", "Yeah, it happens to\nathletes all the time.", "Like the second baseman who\nsuddenly can't throw to first", "Or the figure skater who does\na perfect triple toe loop", "And then loses it\non the arabesque.", "I've actually really\nbeen getting into", "Figure skating lately.", "But, james...", "What woman's gonna want\nto have sex with me?", "It's not like\nI'm a backstreet boy.", "The man maker.", "Barney:\nRhonda \"man maker\" french", "Was our mom's friend\nfrom down the street.", "Got any kings?", "Go fish.", "So, patty, know that\nnew paperboy?", "I let him throw one into my\nhedges, if you know what I mean.", "Did you see that new guy\nwho cleans my pool?", "I let him snake my drain,\nif you know what I mean.", "You know that chinese food\ndelivery boy?", "I had sex with him.", "I don't have a funny way\nof saying it yet.", "It just happened 20 minutes ago.", "Of course.", "The man maker.", "And it'll be easier too,", "'cause she knows me so well.", "Hi, barry.", "Barney.", "Hi, ms. French.", "I know we haven't seen\neach other for a while,", "But if there was any chance...", "Oh, boy.", "Wow, you just rocked my world.", "That was the best sex\nI ever had.", "Barney:\nThat was the night I was born.", "I rose like a phoenix\nfrom her mentholated bosom", "And strode into the world,", "Armani-clad", "And fully awesome.", "God, please let me stop!", "Yes, great, let's stop.", "Let's just kick back and wait\nfor the massive coronary", "You're going to have\na couple years from now", "When you're 40.", "I'm... I'm 29.", "50 more!", "Lily: Hi, sweetie.", "I got a trainer, too.", "This is max.", "We're going to focus\non flexibility.", "Yeah, I'm gonna stretch her out.", "Great... Wait, what?", "50 more, now!", "Huh?", "Hey...", "Okay, well, that's not cool.", "You know, rhonda,", "Running into you", "Really got me thinking\nabout the old days.", "You were quite popular.", "I sure got around back then.", "And there was one young man\nwho stood out above the pack.", "Freddy chibatoni.", "That kid had a tongue\nlike a gecko.", "No, no, I was thinking\nabout someone else.", "Chaz alderman.", "Hips like a woman,\nbut he knew how to use them.", "What about me?!", "You?", "Yes. We slept together.", "And you said I was the best\nyou ever had.", "Did I?", "Oh, right.", "About that...", "And tell him that", "He's the best you ever had.", "Oh, I don't know.", "He's just a kid.", "No he isn't. He's 23 and he\nis really hurting, rhonda.", "Please.", "Maybe we could make a deal.", "What?", "I don't know...", "Oh...", "No, girl, I got a girlfriend.", "Yeah, yeah, yeah, hers\nis the only vagina for me.", "Oh... I love it.", "It... It isn't scary at all.", "Well, too bad.", "I guess your brother's\ngoing to stay a virgin.", "Fine.", "Reggie jackson, reggie jackson,", "Reggie jackson...", "But those compliments\nyou gave me.", "Wow...", "You just rocked my world.", "That was the best sex\nI ever had.", "But you said\nI rocked your world.", "All subsequent", "Worlds that I rocked", "Were only so rocked because\nof the confidence I earned", "From said first world rocking.", "Sorry, barry.", "It's barney.", "So I'm doing sit-ups", "And she says,\n\"all right, marshall,\"", "So I summon all my strength\nand I do that set,", "And then she says,", "\"give me another set.\"", "So I'm like, \"is this\nthe last set?\"", "And she says yes.", "So I do that set\nand then she says,", "\"give me another set.\"", "She lied to my face!", "Everything hurts.", "Baby, the whole point\nof working out", "Is to feel better.", "This trainer is\nmaking you miserable.", "You have to call her and quit.", "I got to work through it.\nI got to finish what I started.", "If you're too scared,\nI can call her.", "Her number's on this card.", "Hi. Is this trish?", "This is marshall's wife.", "Listen, we have a problem\nhere and it's you.", "I don't know who the hell\nyou think you are,", "But from now on, you don't\ntell marshall what to do.", "You are an employee.", "We tell you what to do.", "And I'm telling you\nyou're fired, bitch.", "Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay, bye.", "You better get down there, baby.", "She's pretty pissed.", "Hey, buddy.", "Still bummed about\nthe whole rhonda thing?", "No. Why would I let the approval\nof one woman define who I am?", "That's very mature\nof you, barney.", "Let him finish.", "When I can let the approval", "Of a gaggle of supermodels", "Define who I am. What? What?", "Three tickets to the after party", "Of the victoria's secret\nfashion show?", "Uh, kablammie!", "Lily, um, could I go?", "Go. You're too sore\nto do anything anyway.", "Oh... Wow.", "Okay, this, boys, is not\na regular season game.", "This is the world series.", "So remember, we work together.\nWe're a team.", "And if anyone\nsees heidi klum... dibs.", "Ha-ah! Target acquired.\nDig deep. Mm-hmm!", "Ted: Excuse me. Excuse me.", "Hey, it's a nice party, huh?", "Yeah, it's great.", "Do you guys work\nfor the company?", "Yeah, it's called", "\"I'm gonna get in\nyour panties, incorporated.\"", "Gross!", "Dude!", "I don't know. That was terrible.", "I am so sorry.", "Wait a minute. It's okay.\nIt's okay. It's fine.", "It's a numbers game. I'm cool.", "Model... Model.", "Uh... Hi.", "I know, right?", "This party is legend.\nWait for it...", "Uh, how long do we\nhave to wait for it?", "I think he's having a stroke.", "What is the matter with me?\nI don't know.", "Wait, wait, wait... you don't\nthink I have the yips, do ya?", "No, no, no, relax.", "There's alessandra ambrosio.", "English is her second language.", "Even if you screw up,\nshe'll never know.", "Come on.", "Hi.", "Hi.", "Those are very nice honkers.", "Honkers? I don't know this word.", "Do you want to go dance?", "I'm talking about those things.", "Ah-ooga!", "Ah-ooga!", "Ew!", "Oh, no, I can't have the yips.\nI can't have the yips.", "Not here. Not now.", "This is me. It's barney, barney!", "Heidi klum!", "This is perfect. I can do this.\nI can do this.", "But thanks for coming.", "Thanks for coming.\nHeidi klum, I'm barney.", "Hi, barney. Nice to meet you.", "Goobidy, goobidy,\ngoobidy, goobidy.", "Whoa.", "Is he okay?", "Uh, he has the yips.", "Hasn't been able to hit\non a woman all night.", "He has the yips?", "Ooh, that's bad.", "You know, in germany, we call\nthis.", "Whoa, that is bad.", "I don't know\nwhat's happened to me.", "I've, I've totally lost\nmy confidence.", "Aw...", "Barney, maybe you have\nto open up to somebody.", "Maybe you have to\nopen up to some...", "He just found out that the woman\nhe lost his virginity to", "Only did it because\nhis brother bribed her.", "Ooh, that's a rough one.", "I mean, the only thing\nI can think of", "To get rid of", "Is you have to go out there.", "And you need to find that woman.", "And you need to earn it\nwith her for real.", "That is the only way\nhow you can find yourself.", "I see little hamburgers!", "I love little hamburgers.", "Auf wiedersehen.", "Wow! Yeah.", "I just made out with heidi klum.", "What?", "Ted, just... Okay?", "Come in.", "Hi, rhonda.", "Hi, kiddo.\nSurprised to see you here.", "So, hey, uh,\nmaybe how about sex?", "Let's sex.", "What are you talking about?\nI'm watching wheel of fortune.", "You can keep watching.\nI'll face you toward the tv.", "That's a cute idea, kid.", "Great.", "No, I'm not having sex with you.", "Sit down a minute.", "I'm not the man maker anymore.", "You know what?", "About five years ago,", "I realized there was\nan emptiness inside of me", "That no amount of\nmeaningless sex could fill.", "I needed something more.", "And that's when I\ndiscovered indian casinos.", "Hey, barney,", "It's weird not seeing you\nin a suit. What's going on?", "Uh, not much.\nMy entire sexual history", "Was built on a rotting\nfoundation of lies.", "My whole identity is lost\nin a pit of menthol ashes.", "Work is good.", "I'm never going\nback to that gym again.", "Today at work,\nI had to have an intern", "Rip up my bagel and put\nlittle pieces in my mouth.", "Yeah, I'm done there, too.", "That place is horrible.", "What about\nyour big muscular trainer", "Who's so into\nstretching you out?", "Yeah, well, turns out", "That guy had no affiliation\nwith the gym whatsoever.", "Come on, guys, don't\ngive up on the gym.", "It's been great for us.", "Like today, robin and I\nhad a really nice moment.", "Oh, god! Oh... Yahhh!", "Robin, hey, I just wanted", "To come over and thank you.", "Thank me for what?", "Well, you know how it's hard\nfor exes to be friends", "Because there's this lingering\nsexual tension between them?", "Gone. Thank you.", "You know, for all the crap\nyou've given me,", "I haven't seen you\nwork up a sweat there once.", "It's not true.\nI was there today.", "Yeah, but didn't you\nleave early?", "Oh, great.", "Now I got to go home\nand charge this.", "Wait a minute.", "You didn't work out\nTuesday either.", "Brought the wrong shorts.", "Yeah, and you totally\ndisappeared on Monday, too.", "No, I was at the\ngym the whole time.", "Ooh! Oh, I love this gym.", "Lily, help me bend down\nthese three fingers.", "Actually, I have an idea.", "Do it! Come on! Do it, you\nworthless piece of crap!", "Please! Please, I just want\nto go home.", "Come on. This is your last set!", "You said that last time!", "Gone.", "Hey.", "Rhonda.", "I saw your friend\nted at the gym.", "After he puked and cleared the\nline at the smoothie bar,", "He said you were kinda\nhaving a tough time.", "Did you change your mind\nabout having love, making sex,", "Penis vagina?", "What is the matter with me?", "Oh, honey...", "I just, I don't get it.", "You slept with so many guys.", "You slept with my brother.", "We are practically\nthe same person.", "Was I really so bad?", "Nobody's good the first time.", "But I was.\nAt least I thought I was.", "Oh, barney, you know...\nSex isn't everything.", "When is the last time\nyou had a conversation", "With a woman with no intention\nof scoring with her?", "I sat next to former\nsecretary of state", "Madeleine albright\nat a benefit once.", "I certainly didn't intend\nto hit that.", "Yeah, well, I tell you what.", "Sleeping with me again isn't\ngonna solve anything.", "I don't know what else is.", "I think I know.", "Do you have any kings?", "No, go fish.", "See, barney, isn't it nice\nto just sit", "And have a evening with a woman,\nno agenda?", "Just make nice conversation?", "No.", "Yeah, kinda sucks, doesn't it?", "Oh, my god, barney, you really\ndid just rock my world.", "That was amazing.", "And I'm not lying.", "I know you're not lying, baby.", "And it was good for you?", "It was the best sex\nI've ever had.", "Later.", "Daddy's back.", "Hey, buddy, how's it going?", "Hey. Pretty good.", "Pretty good. Ooh!", "I can move my legs now and I\ncan lift my arms this high.", "Oh! Oh!", "Yeah, you know, I feel\nlike I have more energy.", "Yeah, it was hard at first,\nbut now if I go a day", "Without working out, I miss it.", "I'm proud of us, guys.", "The first week is the hardest.", "We're over the hump.", "Joining that gym was the\nbest decision we ever made.", "And we never went back\nto the gym again."], "How I Met Your Mother S03E11 The Platinum Rule": ["Oh, my god!", "I have a tattoo.", "Oh, that's not a tattoo.", "That, dear boy,\nis a tramp stamp.", "A tramp stamp.", "Ted: Kids, too often in life,", "We make decisions that we're\nnot prepared to live with.", "This is a story\nabout those decisions,", "And the consequences\nthat follow.", "Say good-bye, kids,", "'cause it won't be around\nmuch longer.", "Oh, but, ted, if you get rid\nof the butterfly,", "How's everyone gonna know", "You're a stripper from reno\nwith daddy issues?", "Yes, yes, enjoy these", "Final moments of mockery", "Because in just ten surprisingly\nexpensive sessions,", "Stella is gonna zap\nthat butterfly", "Right off the face\nof my lower back.", "Stella? Dr. Stella zinman.", "She's the best in the business.", "And she's rather cute.", "In fact... We're going\nto a movie together tonight.", "What?", "I asked her out.", "Oy. Oh. Ted, why\nwould you do that?", "What's the matter with you?\nWhat?", "What do you mean? Dude...", "Don't poop where you eat.", "Oh, no, this doesn't count.", "If it's someone you see\non a regular basis,", "And you can't avoid them...", "And in this case,\nyou're paying them...", "Then yes, it counts.", "Ted,", "You've heard\nof the golden rule, right?", "\"Love thy neighbor?\"", "Uh, actually,\nit's \"do unto others\"", "As you would have them\ndo unto you.\"", "It's from the bible.", "Damn it, ted, I've worked out\nthis whole thing", "Where the golden rule is\n\"love thy neighbor,\"", "So just... Okay?", "Now, the golden rule is\n\"love thy neighbor.\"", "But there's one rule above it:", "The platinum rule: Mmm.", "\"Never ever, ever, ever,\nlove thy neighbor.\"", "Well, that's cute.", "But she's not my neighbor;\nshe's my doctor.", "So if you'll excuse me...\nWait, ted,", "Barney has a point.", "Remember what happened", "With me and curt\ndown at the station?", "Oh, yeah, and remember\nwhat happened with us", "And the gerards across the hall?", "Need I remind you", "About me and wendy the waitress?", "Yeah, I don't have time\nfor this.", "I'm out the door as soon\nas I'm finished with my hair.", "Good, then we've got\na solid half hour.", "And in that time,", "We will convince you", "Not to set foot out that door.", "It's a story older\nthan time, my friend,", "And it always plays out\nin the same eight steps.", "Step 1: Attraction.", "No, that's not possible.\nIt's true.", "That's not even possible.", "12 of them. There's no way.", "Hi, barney. Hey.", "Here's your gin and tonic.\nThanks.", "Oh, gosh.", "Look at that.", "Oh, hi!", "Hi. You must be our\nnew neighbors.", "I'm michael. And I'm laura.", "Oh, hi, welcome\nto the building. Yeah.", "Do you guys know any good\nbrunch places around here?", "We love brunch!", "You must be robin.", "Mmm.", "Yeah.", "Curt \"the iron man\" irons.", "I'm gonna be doing sports.", "Oh. Welcome.", "You look really familiar.", "Are you a former athlete?", "Hockey.", "The attraction is", "Instant and undeniable.", "But you know better.", "You've seen your friends\nmake the same mistakes", "Before.", "You've laughed smugly at them.", "Idiots.", "But still, you think,\n\"this is different.", "The platinum rule\ndoesn't apply to me.\"", "And that's step 2.", "Bargaining.", "I think I've got", "A little crush on our sports guy.\nNo.", "No, don't do it. No, no, no, no.", "I know, I know.", "But he used to play hockey,\nand I'm a canadian.", "I can't help it.", "If he were missing some teeth,", "I probably\nwould've already hit that.", "Robin, it's a mistake.", "Remember what happened\nwith me and marshall?", "The gerards across the hall?", "Michael and laura.", "They're awesome!", "We're gonna invite them\nover for dinner.", "No! No! Really? Are you insane?", "Guys, guys, guys,", "This is new york city.", "You don't get close\nto the neighbors.", "You nod at them politely\nin the hall.", "You call the cops if you\nhaven't seen them in a while", "And you smell something\nfunny, and that is it.", "We're not gonna date them.", "We're just gonna be\nfriends with them.", "That's the couples\nversion of dating.", "And you've got the couples\nversion of the hots for them.", "Oh, yeah,", "You want to eat brunch\nwith them.", "You want to browse\nat pottery barn with them.", "You want to go antiquing\nwith them, don't you?", "Oh, yeah,", "You want to antique\nthe crap out of them.", "Need I remind you", "What happened with me\nand wendy the waitress?", "I've decided to seduce\nwendy the waitress.", "No!", "Don't do it! Request denied!", "What rule is there", "That says I can't seduce the\nwaitress at my favorite bar?", "I don't know. I'd expect you\nto have one already.", "Yeah, with some sort\nof catchy name.", "Well, I don't.", "I don't have one\nand I never will", "Because it's a great idea.", "Come on, guys.", "She's gullible. I'm bored.", "We're perfect for each other.", "Ted: Barney.", "We love this bar.", "If you screw over\nwendy the waitress,", "You're going to kill the bar.", "Bar-killer. Don't\nkill the bar, dude.", "Yeah, well...\nI think it'll be okay.", "And it was a huge mistake.", "Yeah, well, I think\nit'll be okay.", "And it was a huge mistake.", "Yeah, well...\nI think it'll be okay.", "And it was a huge mistake.", "Yeah, well...\nI think it'll be okay.", "Ted, trust me.", "You don't want to do this.", "Look, stella and I\nare both adults.", "We're both smart, mature people", "Capable of making\ngood decisions.", "You have a butterfly\ntramp stamp.", "We're just seeing a movie.", "If it seems at all weird,\nI'll back off.", "That's what everyone thinks.", "And then along comes step 3:", "Submission.", "Night.", "Hey, barney.", "Carl had to take off.\nYou mind giving me a hand?", "Not at all.", "Robin. Mmm?", "I got two tickets\nto the rangers.", "Center ice.", "Want to go?", "And then we discover the movers\nlost all our kitchen boxes.", "We don't have\na single pot or pan.", "Guess we're ordering take-out.", "Want to have dinner\nwith us tonight?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "I love them. Me, too.", "Wow.", "That was an interesting use\nof the beverage gun.", "Club soda can get anything off.", "It finally happened.", "All this time,", "Every drink I brought you...", "I always felt there was this\nunspoken connection between us.", "And I was right.", "Hey, can I get a gin and tonic?", "See, I bet you didn't pay\nfor that gin and tonic.", "Oh, I paid for it.", "But you got to admit,\nthere is an upside", "To breaking the platinum rule.", "Like maybe, as her boyfriend,", "I could get a discount\non treatments.", "Oh, ted.", "Of course there's an upside.", "At first.", "That's step 4.", "Perks.", "We can split a cab\nto work together.", "We always have\na standing lunch date.", "And last night,\nat the hockey game,", "Curt got us into\nthe locker room,", "And I met mason raymond.", "Left wing for the\nvancouver canucks.", "What's the opposite\nof name-dropping?", "Damn it, you guys.", "Be psyched.", "Yes, we see each\nother every day,", "But I think it's\ngoing really well.", "That's what we thought.", "And it's so convenient.", "They're right across the hall.", "Say it's Sunday,", "And we want to have a brunch\ndouble date with someone?", "We just go across the hall.", "And say we want to\nhave a dinner party", "Exploring the wine and cuisine", "Of France's loire valley?", "We just go across the hall.", "Say we want to play\na game of charades...", "You just go across the hall?", "Come on, people.\nGet excited for us.", "We've got a great thing\ngoing here.", "That's what I thought.", "Dude, you got to flick it.\nYou don't...", "Hi, sweetie.", "I had the kitchen whip\nthese up, no charge.", "Okay.", "Bye.", "I mean, not bye.\nI'm not leaving.", "I'll be over there.", "Okay.", "Come on, guys. Free nachos.", "What?", "We like this bar.", "Don't kill the bar, dude.", "Nay, we love this bar.\nDon't kill the bar, dude.", "This bar is like home to us.", "Don't kill the bar, dude.\nYou're killing the bar.", "I am not killing the bar.", "Wendy the waitress", "Has seen how I operate\nin this place.", "It is perfectly clear", "To everyone involved", "That this is nothing more\nthan a temporary fling.", "It's fine.", "But it wasn't.", "It's fine.", "But it wasn't.", "It's fine.", "But it wasn't.", "Which brings us to step 5:", "But he should be back\non the mound", "By spring training.", "And that's sports.", "Back to you, robin.", "Thanks, iron man.", "We'll be right back.", "Man: And clear.", "So you want to do\nsomething later?", "Oh, so you're talking to me now?", "What are you talking about?", "I'm talking about last night.", "You said you'd call\nand you didn't.", "I missed you and I waited up,\nbut you didn't call.", "That really hurt.", "Oh.", "Um, I'm sorry,\nI-I guess I just forgot.", "I'm sorry, sweetie.", "I don't want to fight tonight.", "It's our first weekiversary.", "On my suggestion, you flip it.", "Why would you flip it?\nIt doesn't...", "Hey, wendy, uh, do me a favor", "And send a glass of champagne", "To that pretty young thing\nover there.", "What?", "Over there.", "You.", "You're the pretty young thing...", "Is what I meant.", "Champagne? Would you? On me.", "Oh. Okay.", "Thanks, sweetie.", "Okay.", "All right.", "Hey, neighbors.", "We bought all the fixings\nfor a mexican fiesta.", "Oh.", "Um, well, we actually\nhave tickets...", "And no fiesta would\nbe complete without...", "Dude, actually,\nwe made other plans, so...", "Okay. One word.", "Two syllables. Sounds like...", "\"parade.\" charades.", "Charades.", "What do you say?", "Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.", "Which brings us to step 6.", "Yeah, listen, I'm leaving.", "So if you want to write\nthe rest of these down,", "I will read it tomorrow.", "Don't do this, ted.", "You want to get out of the way?", "Don't do this, ted. All right.", "Don't.", "Dude! Gah!", "It was perfect!", "You're such a jerk.", "Which brings us to step 6.", "You finally realize\nyou've made a huge mistake", "And now you have to live\nwith it.", "Step 6 is called purg...\nWait for it.", "Keep waiting...", "Keep waiting for all of eternity", "Only to discover\nthere's no escape... atory.", "God, I'm such", "An idiot.", "Yeah.", "Curt \"the iron man\" irons", "Keeps leaving me\nlove notes on post-its.", "On the teleprompter, on my desk,", "On the coffee-maker,", "On the jar of sugar packets\nnext to the coffee-maker.", "\"Here's some sugar\nfor my sugar.\"", "The iron man.", "I remember that.", "God, we are such idiots.", "Yup.", "Every time we step out the door,", "They're out there\nwaiting for us.", "Sometimes, we'll send ted out\nfirst as a scout.", "Nobody's there.", "Then we'll go out one second\nlater, and there they are.", "It's freakin' supernatural.", "Are they ghosts?\nCan only we see them?", "\"Hey, neighbor.\" \"hey,\nneighbor.\" \"hey, neighbor.\"", "Hmm, I remember that.", "How could you guys let me date\nwendy the waitress?", "Oh, you are kidding me. What?!", "Don't kill the bar, dude.\nWe said, \"don't do it.\"", "My own bar.", "I can't hit on women\nin my own bar.", "Remember the old barney?", "He was a lion,\nthe king of the jungle,", "Stalking whatever prey he chose,", "Going in for the kill.", "You've got a whole\nmeat locker at home", "Full of corpses, don't you?", "Now look at me.", "Declawed. Neutered.", "What was once", "My jungle is now my zoo.", "And I am forced to mate\nwith the same old lioness", "Again and again and again,", "While families pay to watch.", "Yeah, this metaphor's really\nfalling apart.", "Put a bell around my neck\nand scratch my belly, kids,", "For I am just\na docile housecat now.", "Meow.", "Well, we love this bar.", "You can't dump her.", "Marry her if you have to.", "Wendy\nthe waitress-hyphen-stinson.", "Don't kill the bar, dude.", "And so, inevitably,\nyou have to do the thing", "You've been dreading all along.", "Now, a relationship-ectomy", "Is a delicate surgery as it is,", "But in the case of\nthe platinum rule,", "It takes a very, very\nsteady hand, and that's...", "Step 7: Confrontation.", "Curt, we need to talk.", "I like you...", "Guys, we like you a lot...", "I don't like you.", "We're pretending this works,\nbut it doesn't.", "And I'm getting a little\nsick of the whole charade.", "We're getting\na little sick of charades.", "I mean, I don't like you\nthat way.", "I used to like you that way.", "But now that\nI've seen everything", "There is to see, I don't know,", "I kind of want\nto see those same parts", "Just... On other girls.", "So maybe, we could go back\nto just being coworkers.", "Maybe we should just go\nback to being neighbors.", "Other girls and you,", "If you're into that.", "But the other girls\nhave to be there, too.", "That's the important part.", "Gosh, you're just terrified", "Of ever getting close to anyone,\naren't you?", "Or that.", "Let's say it's that.", "So can I get a gin and tonic?", "And in any other relationship,", "That would be it.", "End of story.", "But because you have\nto see this person again,", "There's a step 8: Fallout.", "Robin: And now, here's", "Curt \"the iron man\" irons\nwith sports.", "Curt?", "Curt?", "Well, the knicks lost.", "It's sad, really.", "They had a real shot.", "Then, out of nowhere, game over.", "And why?", "Why, robin?", "Uh, well, their\nperimeter shooting", "Has been a little\nbit off this season...", "The knicks lost because they\nwere afraid of getting hurt.", "So they didn't even try.", "Well, you know what I think?", "I think", "The knicks didn't deserve\nmy love to begin with.", "The knicks suck.", "And that's sports.", "Lily: Do you see anything?", "Marshall: I think we're clear.", "Okay, go, go, go!", "That was close.", "Too close.", "You've got to be kidding me.", "What do we do?", "I have no idea.", "Ted: Guys, are you there?", "I forgot my keys.\nCan you open up?", "It's just ted.", "Wait!", "Hello?", "Guys?", "Baby, we only have one choice.", "Okay, hurry! Michael\nand laura are probably...", "Hey, neighbors.", "Yeah.", "Barney, I just want you to know,\nI have no hard feelings.", "It wasn't the best idea", "For us to get involved.", "I hope we can still be friends.", "Thanks, wendy.", "Of course we can.", "If you need anything else,\nlet me know.", "Wow.", "I've got to hand it\nto wendy the waitress:", "That was very mature of her.", "She's gonna try to kill me.", "This is poisoned.", "What? You're being ridiculous.", "Yours is poisoned, too.", "She's trying to kill me\nand everyone close to me.", "What are you talking about? Ted!", "Look at the facts: I dump her", "And she says,\n\"no hard feelings.\"", "She's a psycho!", "What other explanation is there?", "Uh, that you're letting yourself\nbelieve she's crazy", "So you don't have to face\nthe far more likely possibility", "That she doesn't want\nto date you either?", "Where did marshall\nget that hamburger?", "I don't know, I guess", "Wendy the waitress\nbrought it to him.", "Nooooooo!", "Dude.", "You're welcome.", "Wait a second.", "You've been sitting here,", "Pretending to be\nthe expert on all this,", "But the truth is,\nthere was no real fallout", "From your breakup at all?", "Yet.", "You're an idiot.", "All right, I'm taking off.", "What?! I have a date.", "Wha...? You are such a jerk!", "Ted, have you not\nbeen listening?", "Attraction,\nbargaining, submission,", "Perks, tipping point,", "Purgatory,\nconfrontation, fallout!", "These things will\nall happen to you", "As surely as they happened\nto all of us!", "It's a rule of nature!", "Well, I'm sick of all the rules!", "There's too many of them!", "The hot/crazy scale,\nthe lemon law,", "The platinum rule...", "If everyone in the world", "Followed every one\nof your rules,", "The human race\nwould cease to exist.", "Yes, chances are\nstella and I are not", "Going to live\nhappily ever after.", "The overwhelming odds\nhave it ending badly.", "And when that happens,", "It'll be for one\nof a million possible reasons.", "But that doesn't mean\nI'm not gonna try.", "And when it does fail,", "So help me god, it's not gonna\nbe because of some rule.", "P.S.", "You just made my hair\nlook awesome.", "Good night.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "So stella and I went\non our date.", "But here's the funny thing:", "Turns out,\nit wasn't actually a date.", "So what do you mean\n\"it wasn't a date\"?", "She thought we were seeing\na movie just as friends.", "Why would she think that?", "Did she see your tattoo\nand assume you were gay?", "Apparently, there's a rule\nthat says I can't date stella.", "Exactly: The platinum rule.", "Stella reads my blog.", "No, this rule comes from the\namerican medical association.", "Doctors aren't legally allowed\nto date their patients.", "Oh, sorry, ted.", "Eh, it's okay.", "What are you guys watching?", "So that was the end of the story", "Between me and stella,\nat least for the time being.", "But I don't know, looking back\non the platinum rule,", "I think there's a ninth step.", "We'll call it coexistence.", "It's the moment you realize\nthat all that anger", "And resentment\njust isn't useful.", "Thanks for watching.", "Good night. \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "And you start to let go of it.", "Hey, guys.", "So what do you guys\nhave going on tonight?", "We're going to have\na few friends over.", "Gonna play some charades.", "Have fun.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "And move on with your life.", "It just takes a while.", "On the house.", "Thanks.", "Cuckoo!"], "How I Met Your Mother S03E12 No Tomorrow": ["Ted: Kids, I never would\nhave met your mother", "Without a little luck.", "Specifically,\nthe luck of the irish.", "St. Patrick's day.", "The one day of the year\nwhen every young person", "In new york goes out\nand gets crazy.", "Really crazy.", "Okay, maybe not that crazy.", "But by 2008,\nwe'd all had enough.", "Well, most of us.", "Who wants\nto kiss the barney stone?", "Oh, look, it's the riddler.", "That's not the riddler.\nThat's gumby.", "Hey, gumby, can we tie\nyou in a knot later?", "Hey, nba player sidelined\nby a knee injury?", "All right, laugh all you want,", "But this is my lucky\nst. Patty's day suit.", "Yup, I have dry-cleaned\nmany a stain off of this baby.", "You know why it's lucky?", "'Cause it's green,\nthe color of go, as in let's.", "Uh, barney, we, uh...", "We talked this over, and, uh,", "We're not doing\nst. Patty's day this year.", "Come on. Let's...", "Are you s...", "Oh!", "Wow. Okay.", "I think I got to lie down.", "Can we shoot pool on you?", "No! No!", "Unacceptable!", "That's so not raven!", "What are you gonna do instead?", "Marshall: We just got", "The keys to our new apartment,", "So we're gonna go over there", "And hang up that painting,\nhave board game night.", "You're welcome to\njoin us if you want.", "Board game night?!", "Board game night.", "Come on!", "Let's drink green beer.\nLet's do green jell-o shots!", "Where's your st. Patty's day\nspirit?!", "We're drinking green tea.", "With caffeine.", "Sorry, peter.\nWe're grown-ups now.", "We can't fly off to neverland\nwith you anymore.", "All right, fine.", "You know what?", "I'll celebrate\nst. Patty's day by myself.", "I don't need you people.", "You make me physically ill.", "He did look a little green.", "Hello?", "Hey, happy st. Patty's day!", "How are you?", "Yeah, I haven't talked\nto you forever.", "Who is it? It's ted's butt.", "Ah, damn it!", "My phone keeps pocket-dialing!", "That's, like,\nthe eighth time today.", "In fairness, I did\ncall ted's butt", "At, like, 2:00 this afternoon.", "It took long enough to\ncall you back. Yeah.", "Barney, where are you?", "In a cab, heading downtown", "With our hot and sexy dates\nfor the evening.", "Yes, it happens that fast!", "We're going\nto that club low point,", "And you're coming with us.", "Barney, for the last time...", "All right, I didn't want\nto tell you this", "In front of marshall and lily\nbecause they're old and married,", "And it's too late\nfor them, anyway,", "But, ted, the world is going\nto come to an end tonight.", "Yes. Think about it.", "End of the world, nostradamus.", "Notre dame.", "Fighting irish. Irish.", "St. Patrick's day.", "This is it, bro.", "Bro-pacalypse now.", "Bromageddon.", "Ted,", "You are young, you're single.", "You'll have so much\nmore fun with me.", "Do you really want to spend\nyour last night on earth", "Playing board games\nwith marshall and lily?", "My hands smell weird.", "Smell this.", "Yeah, they do. That's new.", "I'll be there in five minutes.", "Yes!", "All right!", "He's in! Ted's a great guy.", "Y...", "You're gonna love him.", "Ted: So on March 17, 2008,", "I went to a big\nst. Patrick's day party.", "And it's a good thing I did,", "Because, funny story:", "Your mother was there.", "Hey. Hi.", "Have you met ted?", "Hi. I'm mary.", "Hi. Happy st. Patty's day.", "I haven't met ted, either.", "I'm stephanie. Hi.", "Dude, back off.", "I called dibs on stephanie.", "Okay. Mary's hot.", "Well, then I want mary.", "Fine.", "Oh, I see.", "Reverse psychology.", "Then I'm sticking\nwith stephanie, dr. Freud.", "Okay.", "Which one do you want more?", "Either one. I want them both.", "You're an idiot, and it\nmay be a moot point.", "I mean, it doesn't look\nlike we're getting in.", "Look at this.", "You know why there's a line?", "It's because I ditched\nmarshall and lily,", "And now the universe is\npunishing us for it, that's why.", "Yeah.", "What's it gonna cost\nus to get in, $20?", "Dude, come on, you're making\nthe wee folk look bad.", "Just give him your pot o' gold.", "Is it just you two? Don't worry.\nWe're not gonna blow your ratio.", "We happen to have two\nvery hot girls with us.", "Mine's the hotter one.", "Sorry, guys.\nLook, if it was just you two,", "You could go in right now.", "We got nothing\nbut girls in there.", "People are gonna start\nthinking it's a lesbian bar.", "Would you excuse us\nfor just a minute?", "Ted, I'm gonna be honest.", "I was full of it with that\nwhole nostradamus thing.", "No.", "But I am starting\nto think there is", "Some serious planetary crap\ngoing on here tonight.", "Never in the history of\nnew york city nightclubs", "Has there been a\nshortage of dudes,", "Not even during the great\ndude shortage of 1883.", "We got to ditch these girls.", "But you dragged them\nall the way down here.", "I don't see no ring\non this finger.", "All right, hold on.", "Uh, excuse me?", "Are the girls in there\nhotter than our dates?", "I don't know if they're hotter,", "But they're drunker.", "Rock 'n' roll.", "Welcome to your new\ndream home, my lady.", "All right, all right.", "You can put me down.", "Robin thinks we're weird.", "No, it's fine.", "It was only weird on the subway.", "Oh. I'm gonna check\nthe other rooms", "To see if the previous owners\nleft us any free stuff.", "I'm gonna hang our\nfirst piece of art.", "Oh, look,\nthere's already a nail.", "Hey, lil, free nail!", "Lily: Score!", "How's that?", "Perfect.", "Whoops.", "Oh, now this is ridiculous.", "Is it the nail?", "Marshall? Is the wall\nslippery or something?", "Marshall. Is there a wind? Is\nthere some sort of draft in here?", "Marshall! What?", "Your apartment's crooked.", "What do you mean?", "Ted: It was the kind of thing", "You didn't notice\nuntil you noticed it.", "But once you did notice it,\nyou couldn't not notice it.", "Lily and marshall's\nnew apartment was crooked.", "Oh, no!", "Oh, no, no, no!", "No!", "Oh, no, no. Oh, no.", "Yes. Are you telling\nme that we just spent", "Our entire life savings\nand then some", "On-on a crooked apartment?", "Lily: Oh, my god!", "No, she's gonna flip.", "Just calm down.\nIt's gonna be fine.", "Look what I found\nin the kids' room!", "Free skateboard. Score!", "Free hungry hungry hippos.", "Double score!", "I'm gonna check the kitchen!", "Okay. How could she not\nnotice this?", "It's like the last 20 minutes\nof titanic in here.", "We have to keep this quiet.", "If lily finds out\nher new dream house is crooked,", "It's gonna...\nIt's gonna break her heart.", "Free salad strainer!", "I love this place. Yay!", "Just for tonight, okay?", "Okay.", "But it's gonna be\nan uphill battle.", "I am just saying we have\nto think of the right angle.", "I have a third one,\nbut I'm not gonna say it.", "Okay, barney,\nI think we've stumbled", "Into some kind of ethical,\nphilosophical wormhole.", "Green suit. Yeah.", "I ditched marshall and lily,", "And was rewarded\nwith two beautiful girls.", "Suit's made of green.", "We bailed on those\ntwo beautiful girls,", "And now we're being rewarded\nwith a sea of beautiful girls.", "38 long.", "It's like...", "It's like the laws of the\nuniverse are working in reverse.", "Can you put it on my tab? Yeah.\nWhat's the last name?", "Garrido.", "All right, I'm gonna try\nsomething, and if this works...", "Uh, hey. Hey, what\ncan I get you guys?", "A bottle of dom perignon,\nand can you put it on my tab?", "Sure. What's the name?", "Garrido. Dude!", "Oh, uh, yeah, you're right.", "Uh, make it two bottles.", "Two.", "Now we wait, see if something\ngood happens... Oh! Hello!", "St. Patrick's day tradition.", "If you're not wearing green,\nyou got to get pinched.", "Well, I guess\nI got what I deserved.", "I'm not wearing green, either.", "This is, um, deep teal.", "The lighting makes it...", "Uh, I'm ted.", "Ashlee with two \"e\" s.", "Please. \"c\" s at most.", "You know, you guys should\ncome join me and my friends.", "We have a bottle of tequila", "And shockingly deep\nbelly buttons.", "Okay, it's official:", "Do bad things,\ngood things happen.", "Shh!", "Ted, listen.", "Are you hearing that?", "That's the universe.", "The universe is talking to us.", "We don't have to build\na baseball field, do we?", "No. The universe is telling us", "That we have a\nfree pass tonight.", "The universe is saying", "That we don't have to\nlive in fear of the...", "Are you still there?", "Yeah, I'm here.", "Of the repercussions\nof our actions.", "There is no waiting\nfor tomorrow,", "Because do you know why, ted?", "There is no tomorrow.", "No tomorrow, huh?", "By the way, mr. Garrido,", "Second bottle of champagne gets you\na complimentary ounce of caviar.", "Enjoy.", "No tomorrow!", "No tomorrow!", "All: No tomorrow!", "Hey, I wonder what the grown-ups\nare doing right now.", "Oh...", "I win again.", "Why do I keep winning?", "Maybe your hippo is just\nhungrier hungrier than ours.", "That's it. That's what it is.", "It's not gravity,\nthat's for sure.", "I'll tell you that.", "Whoa.", "What was that?", "What's going on here?", "Okay, lily...", "While you were in\nthe other room, robin and I,", "We discovered something\nabout the apartment.", "It's not a big deal.", "It's not like a disaster.\nIt's just...", "It's something that we're going\nto have to learn to live with.", "Robin and I saw a ghost.", "What?", "Oh, he's kidding, right?", "No, we really saw a ghost.", "What did it look like?", "Uh, a sheet\nwith two holes in it.", "He was a confederate general", "Who was wounded\nat the battle of antietam,", "And he died\nat the army hospital,", "Which once stood\non this very spot.", "And now he wanders these halls,", "Vowing revenge\nagainst the union cannonade", "That once felled him.", "But he seems nice.\nHe's a good-good guy.", "Marshall,\nyou see ghosts everywhere.", "You see ghosts at starbucks.", "That kenny g holiday cd\njust flew off the shelf.", "Last time that happened.", "But, robin, you're a skeptic,", "So if you say you saw a ghost...", "It passed right through me,", "And suddenly I felt cold,\nso very cold.", "You know, ashlee, I'm sorry.", "You're probably just gonna\nwant to get up and walk away,", "But I just have\nto test out this theory", "I've been working on.", "Tonight, I'm not looking\nfor a relationship.", "I really just want\nto hook up with you,", "Leave before breakfast,\nand never see you again.", "I'm in.", "Unbelievable.", "Hot damn, that's a deep navel.", "No tomorrow, ted.", "Yeah, no tomorrow, barney.", "No tomorrow, huh?", "Hmm.", "I like that idea.", "Because if there is a tomorrow,", "I'm gonna be in\na lot of trouble.", "Oh, yeah? Why is that? Mm-hmm.", "I'm married.", "Tell me you're messing\nwith me, guys.", "You didn't actually see a ghost.", "It's not a big deal, baby.", "He seemed friendly.", "You said\nhe's a confederate general.", "They're the bad guys.", "And he's probably racist.", "Marshall: No,", "He seemed polite.", "He had courtly southern manners.", "We're gonna raise our kids here.", "I don't want\nsome confederate general ghost", "Teaching them his racism.", "He loves people of all colors", "And creeds.", "He was fighting\nfor states' rights, that's all.", "Robin said he was wearing\na sheet.", "What do you think that means?", "The apartment is crooked.", "What?", "Robin and I didn't see a ghost.", "The floor is crooked, isn't it?", "Yeah.", "We spent our entire life's\nsavings on this floor.", "The next 30 mortgage-paying\nyears of our lives", "Will be spent on this floor,\nand it's crooked.", "Thanks a lot, robin.", "How is \"racist ghost\"\nbetter than \"crooked\"?", "Seriously, somebody tell me\nhow that's better.", "Because...", "Oh, I'm sorry.", "Oh, that's okay.", "Um, dude, so, I'm having second\nthoughts about that theory.", "I'm telling you,", "If you want to know how old\na woman is, check her elbows.", "Not that theory.", "You have to be\nmore specific, ted,", "'cause I have so many theories.", "The whole do bad, good\nthings happen... Oh.", "Ashlee is married.", "So? What do you mean, so?", "Open your brain tank, brah,", "'cause here comes some\npremium 91 octane knowledge.", "There's three rules of cheating:", "It's not cheating if you're\nnot the one who's married,", "It's not cheating if her name\nhas two adjacent vowels,", "And it's not cheating if she's\nfrom a different area code.", "You're fine on all three counts.", "How do you know she's from\na different area code?", "She's 516.", "She might dress like she's 718,", "Act like she's 212,\nbut trust me, she's 516.", "Oh, and her husband...", "Letting her out alone\non saint patty's day?", "If that dude's not 973, I'm 307.", "Wyoming.", "We're gonna have to nail down\nall our furniture.", "We won't be able to get\na pinball machine.", "I mean, unless we put some books", "Under two of the legs\nor something.", "But then what if we want\nto read those books?", "This is a nightmare.", "We can't raise our kids here.", "They'll grow up slanted.", "If we have a daughter,\nwe'll have to call her eileen.", "I don't think we can live here,\nmarshall.", "I don't know\nwhat we're gonna do.", "Marshall?", "Open the door.", "If I make it through the door,", "That's five points.", "Yeah!", "Whoo!", "Robin: Five points!", "Ten bucks says I can do it\nbackwards.", "So lily and marshall decided", "To make the best\nof a bad situation.", "And that's also how the sport\nof apartment roller luge", "Was invented.", "Marshall: Be very careful!", "Very, very... Oh, yeah!", "So she's married? It's\nnot like she has kids.", "How do you know?", "Wrists.", "It's like you don't\neven listen to me.", "Whoa.", "Oh, hey. Hey.", "Hey. Where'd you go?", "Well, I just, um...", "Was it something I said?", "No, no, no, it's just, well...", "You're married and-and\nwe've been drinking,", "And I was worried we might...", "Oh, this is a very bad idea.", "Uh-uh.", "We have a problem.", "Hey, hey. Hey.", "Is this your husband?", "I've never seen\nthis man in my life.", "Oh, okay.", "Uh, what's our problem?", "Rick. Rick garrido.", "According to the bartender,", "I'm the guy that's been buying\nyou champagne all night.", "Okay, there's-there's\na very simple explana...", "Ted: Next thing I know\nthe police show up,", "They arrest the other guy,", "And I'm drinking for free\nthe rest of the night.", "It was awesome.", "Awesome, huh?", "Yeah.", "You don't see anything wrong\nwith that story?", "Well, I lost my new phone\nback at the club somewhere.", "What the hell is wrong\nwith you, dude?", "You know me, I lose things.", "You kissed a married woman, ted.", "You committed credit card fraud.", "You... You kissed\na married woman.", "Do you know how offensive\nthat is to me?", "You're turning into barney.", "We don't need another barney.", "Look...", "It's saint patty's day.", "It wasn't as bad as it sounds.", "\"It wasn't as bad as it sounds\"?", "No. Huh?", "Okay...", "I want you to hear\nexactly how it sounds, ted.", "Recording:\nFirst skipped message.", "Barney: I don't see no\nring on this finger.", "And then last night\nstarted coming back to me:", "The real version.", "Are the girls in there\nhotter than our dates?", "I don't know if they're hotter,", "But they're drunker.", "Rock 'n' roll.", "How many messages did I...?", "Seventeen.", "Kids, it's sometimes possible\nto think", "You're doing just fine\nin life...", "Recording: Next message.", "Can you put it on my tab?", "Sure, what's the last name?", "Garrido.", "And then someone opens\nyour eyes a little bit,", "And you realize...", "Recording: Next message.", "I really want\nto hook up with you,", "Leave before breakfast,\nand then never see you again.", "Your whole world\nis off balance...", "Recording: Next message.", "Out of whack...", "Okay, look, brah,", "There is a very simple\nexplana...", "Crooked.", "Wow.", "That was hard to listen to.", "No one likes how they sound\non an answering machine.", "Thanks for doing that.", "You yelled at me.", "You got very firm with me.", "Very confident.", "It was cool.", "You're very sexy\nwhen you yell, marshall.", "Shut up.", "Veins, crazy muscles\nin your neck.", "You're like a kentucky\nderby-winning steed.", "You're ruining a nice moment.", "At one point, I swear,\nI thought we were gonna kiss.", "Ted, seriously.", "I'm married.", "Oh... A slanted floor.", "Architecturally speaking,\nfixing that's going to be...", "Very, very, very expensive.", "And it's gonna\ntake some time, too,", "So it looks like\nyou're stuck with us", "For a little while longer,\nif that's okay.", "Are you kidding? I love it.", "I don't know what's gonna happen\nto me without you guys around.", "Where are you going?", "I'm going to get\nmy stupid phone.", "So that was\nsaint patrick's day, 2008.", "I found out years later that\nyour mom was at that party.", "I just didn't meet her.", "And it's a good thing I didn't,\n'cause if I had met her,", "I don't think\nshe would have liked me.", "Heck, I don't think I liked me.", "But that's okay.", "Tomorrow had arrived.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "You see, I didn't know it yet,", "But my luck was about to change.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "I'm awesome."], "How I Met Your Mother S03E13 Ten Sessions": ["Narrator: Kids, sometimes\nin life you see someone,", "And you just instantly know", "This is the person for you.", "It can happen anywhere.", "Even the waiting room\nof a tattoo removal clinic.", "And that's what happened\nwhen I met...", "Stella.", "Ah, the butterfly tramp stamp.", "My bread and butter.", "So I'm guessing that\nthe real story", "Involves a bad breakup\nand some booze.", "Unless it's a gang tattoo,", "In which case, I think it's\ntime to find a new gang.", "No, I just thought\nit would be cool", "To get a caterpillar tattoo,", "And then a few weeks went by,\nand all of a sudden...", "Well, I can get rid of it\nin ten one-hour sessions,", "But, I should warn you,\nlaser surgery's very painful.", "Well, I think you'll find", "I have a very high\ntolerance for pain.", "Just last night, I sat through\nthe worst movie ever made.", "Oh, plan 9 from outer space?", "No, the worst movie...\nManos: Hands of fate.", "Uh, I'm a doctor,\nwent to medical school.", "It's plan 9.\nIf you don't believe me,", "It's playing down\nat the pamela theater.", "Uh-huh.\nI don't believe you, doctor.", "Well, what are you\ndoing tonight?", "Hello.", "Hey, ted. Hey.", "Hey, put that away.\nTonight's on me.", "Oh, no, no, don't...", "Come on, I insist.", "That's so nice. Thank you.", "Hey, guys,\nthis is my friend ted.", "He wants to pay.", "Oh, wow. Oh, yay.\nWow, thank you.", "One, two, three, four.", "Is something wrong?", "No, it's just, um...", "I'm just a little embarrassed.", "I thought this was a date.", "But it's no big deal.", "Don't worry about it.", "What's wrong?", "Ted's embarrassed... he\nthought this was a date.", "Ted thought this was a date.", "Stella, did you know ted\nthought this was a date?", "What? I'm not allowed\nto date a patient.", "It's an ama rule.", "She's not allowed\nto date patients.", "It's an ama rule.", "She's not allowed\nto date patients.", "It's an ama rule.", "She's not allowed to date...", "Yeah, I got it.", "Man: We all got it.", "Ted's a schmuck.", "And you bought all the tickets.\nYeah, yeah.", "Hey, you were right.", "Worst movie-going\nexperience ever.", "Of course, it had nothing\nto do with the movie.", "I am so sorry that you\nthought that was a date.", "No, it's fine.", "I got to hang out with you\non girls' night out.", "All right, so if you're not\nallowed to date a patient,", "I'll just... I'll wait until\nthese ten session are up", "And then I'll ask you out then.", "Well, then, fair warning:", "I'm going to say no.", "Really? I'm getting mixed\nsignals from you.", "I feel like you've been staring\nat my ass for quite some time.", "What, you're married? No.", "Boyfriend? No.", "Lesbian? No.", "Only date black guys? No.", "And yet you can say\nwith absolute confidence", "That ten weeks from now,\nif I ask you out on a date,", "Your answer will be...", "No.", "No... Hmm.", "What could she mean", "When she says no?", "I don't know,", "It is totally cryptic.", "This is far from over.", "We're talking ten weeks\nfrom now.", "Who knows what she'll want then?", "I mean, do you know what\nyou're going to want", "For lunch ten weeks from now?", "Sloppy joe, shrimp cocktail\nand a milk shake.", "Ted, do you know how long\nit takes a woman", "To decide whether or not\nshe's going to sleep with a guy?", "8.3 seconds.", "After that,", "Her decision is made.", "She will not change her mind.", "That's ridiculous.", "Is it?", "Describe your first\n8.3 seconds with stella.", "Lower back butterfly tattoo...", "You're up.", "So we got off to a rocky start.", "That may be a problem\nfor some guys,", "But I get better over time.\nRight?", "I'm not some top 40 song...", "Easily digestible.", "I'm complex.", "I require time\nand multiple listens.", "I'm \"stairway to heaven.\"", "Wow, roger daltrey just\nrolled over in his grave.", "That's not the right guy, is it?", "He's not even dead, is he?", "I think that's great, ted.", "You can do whatever\nyou set your mind to.", "In fact, you've inspired me.", "I'm going to stop\nbiting my nails.", "But, baby, you love\nbiting your nails.", "I know, but I'm\ndoing this for ted.", "Hmm.", "God, this is really hard.", "Give me ten sessions,", "I'm going to turn that \"no\"\ninto a \"yes.\"", "Really, ted? Mm-hmm.", "You think so? Mm.", "Well, tell me, how did\nthe rest of that session go?", "This is going to hurt a little.", "Yeah, well, I can handle pain.", "This one time\nI was playing tennis, and...", "Yeah, but tattoo\nremoval really hurts.", "Everyone probably\nsounds like that.", "Doctor, are you all right?", "I heard a woman\nscreaming in here.", "Oh.", "Here's to nine more\ngreat sessions.", "Narrator:\nAnd so the weeks went by.", "The second session I told her\nabout how I spent a summer", "Working with inner-city kids.", "The third session we both spoke\nnothing but french.", "The fourth session\nI made her laugh so hard,", "She fell out of her chair.", "So by the time the fifth\nsession came around...", "Still no.", "Still no.", "What's up with that?", "I mean, I juggled.", "You juggled?", "I thought you were\ntrying to impress her.", "You do magic.", "How is juggling\nany lamer than magic?", "Magic's not lame.", "I don't get it. I mean...", "Is this lame?", "Oh, barney, no, no!", "We said no fireballs\nat the table.", "What the hell is wrong with you?", "There's alcohol in here.", "Barney... I...", "We've talked about this.", "It's a fire code violation.", "Yeah, but ted provoked me.", "No, no, you are on a time-out.", "Go sit over there.", "But... Go!", "Anyway... I don't get it.", "She should be into me by now.", "You know, you can do this, ted.", "I said that I would\nstop biting my nails,", "And kablam-ey.", "It's just a challenge.", "It can't be easy to woo someone", "While you're sticking your\nnaked butt in their face.", "Works for baboons.", "It's called \"presenting.\"", "I got four sessions left.", "Ther-there's got to be\nan angle I'm not seeing.", "You can't turn a \"no\"\ninto a \"yes,\" ted.", "Can't be done.", "I don't know, barney.", "I mean, sometimes\npersistence pays off.", "I said \"yes\" eventually.", "No, you didn't.", "You were like, \"no, we\ncan't, we're friends.\"", "It would mess up the\ndynamic of the group.\"", "To ted.", "Oh, right.", "Wait a second.", "Wait a second, I got the angle.", "Sir, please don't yell at me,", "Because when people yell at me,", "I have a tendency\nto start crying.", "Please don't do it.", "Abby, I've told you before.\nPlease.", "When they're rude to you,\nhang up the phone.", "Man on phone: How difficult\nit is for me to... Go on,", "You can do this, hang up.", "Abby,", "Hang it up.", "I am too busy\nto waste my time...", "I'm sorry, I just wish", "That some of the patients\nwould be nicer to you.", "The receptionist.", "That's my way in.", "I like this.", "Seduce the receptionist.", "That's a great plan.", "That's not the plan.", "And how would that help me\nwith stella?", "Who?", "Here's the plan.", "Hi. Here.", "I stopped...", "Hi, I stopped for coffee", "And I... And I thought\nI'd grab you something.", "Oh, wow, thank you,\nthat's so nice.", "You're like a knight.", "I should call you sir ted.", "What?", "Nothing. Nothing.", "It's really stupid.", "Um, dr. Zinman, ted's here.", "Thanks. Thanks, abby.", "And now we wait.", "And sure enough,", "By session seven,", "She saw me in a whole new light.", "Okay, I'm about\nto break my big rule here.", "Break it.", "Okay.", "Abby goes bowling", "With her church group\nevery Wednesday night...", "Mm-hmm... And she really wanted\nto invite you, but she's too shy.", "Abby is...?", "My receptionist.", "You really made\nquite an impression on her", "With the coffee the other day.", "I mean, she has really\nnot stopped talking about you.", "Oh, abby.", "I thought you said \"alan.\"", "But you just said, \"abby is...?\"", "Right.", "Right, I thought I said \"alan.\"", "Who's alan?", "Who's abby?", "My receptionist.", "Exactly.", "What is happening?", "Ted,", "You just got to be\nyourself, no more gimmicks.", "You're right, no more gimmicks.", "One more gimmick.", "Ted:\nYou know what's on her shelf?", "That self-help book\nthe power of me.", "I know, I know, but I thought", "If I read it, maybe we'd have\nsomething new to talk about.", "It's actually a great book.", "It taught me the power\nof complete memory.", "Can I borrow your copy?", "I left it somewhere.", "I forget.", "Hi.", "Ted mosby for dr. Zinman.", "Hi, ted. I'll let her know.", "Telepathically?", "That's funny.", "That's funny, smart, and great.", "I am so sorry that I am late.", "I have, like, two minutes\nfor lunch everyday.", "It's crazy. Yeah, I understand.", "I was just, uh, checking out\nthe old bookshelf here.", "I see you've read\nthe power of me.", "It's funny... What? Oh, no.", "No, no, no, no, no, I would\nnever read that piece of crap.", "Some patient left it here.", "Oh, thank god.", "I couldn't agree more.", "That's total crap.", "I see people reading that\non the subway", "And I just want to shout,\n\"get a life, people!\"", "Ted, I found your book.", "Your book, the power of me.", "I think you accidentally\ndropped it in the garbage.", "What? No, that's...\nThat's not mine.", "I've never seen that before\nin my life.", "No, you were reading it\nin the lobby.", "Wha... no, you have me confused\nwith someone else.", "No, no, look right here.", "\"From the personal library\nof ted mosby.\"", "That's you.", "Ted, I hate to say this,", "But I think it's \"nail\nthe receptionist\" time.", "I'm not gonna nail\nthe receptionist.", "Ted, every little boy\nwants to grow up", "To nail the doctor\nor the lawyer.", "Somebody's gotta nail\nthe receptionist.", "No. I like stella.", "Okay, I'm gonna stop you\nright there, ted.", "Your little stella\nis not so perfect.", "What do you mean?", "I went down there", "And checked her out for myself.", "Yeah.", "And while I was down there,", "I discovered that\nshe had a secret,", "A terrible... Terrible secret.", "What?", "What is it?", "Hold on, I gotta pee.", "Okay, I'm back.", "What's going on at work?", "What's the big secret?!", "Oh. Oh, right.", "Hi, I'd like\nto see dr. Zinman, please.", "Sure, what's it regarding?", "Oh, I just want to see her.", "Want to look at her,\nsee what she looks like.", "I-I don't understand.", "I'm sorry, did I accidentally", "Oprima numero dos when I called?", "Do you speak english?", "I want to see her!", "Sir, please don't yell at me", "Because when people yell at me,", "I have a tendency\nto start crying.", "Barney:\nWhat are your credentials?!", "Please don't do that. Please.", "I want to know\nwho am I speaking with!", "Barney:\nAt first she seemed great,", "Beautiful, smart,", "Way out of your league.", "But then I overheard\nthis conversation.", "My grandfather's name...\nI was the last-born so...", "Oh, abby, did my\nhypnotherapist call yet?", "No.", "When am I going to kick\nthis folliculaphilia?", "Folliculaphilia?", "Folliculaphilia.", "What is that?", "Ted, your perfect woman", "Can only be attracted\nto men with moustaches.", "That is the stupidest thing\nI've ever heard.", "That's not real.", "You're right, ted.\nI'm just making that up.", "I know that you are\nbecause there's no such thing.", "I got it a little bit.", "Hi. Uh, ted mosby\nfor dr. Zinman.", "Oh, hi, ted. Love the 'stache.", "You look like a young\ntom selleck,", "Only a million times handsomer.", "Dr. Zinman,\nmagnum's here to see you.", "Just kidding.", "Stupid.", "Sorry I'm late.\nTypical two-minute lunch.", "So we are very close\nto getting...", "Why? Just why?", "Y-you don't remember?", "I'll bet anyone ten bucks", "I can get ted\nto grow a moustache.", "Uh... Okay.", "You sabotaged my next to last\nchance with stella", "For ten dollars?", "I know.\nI would've done it for free.", "But no. You owe me ten bucks.", "This is awful. My-my tenth\nsession is next week.", "I'm gonna ask her out,\nand she's gonna say", "The most demoralizing syllable\nin the english language... no.", "You know what? Just forget it.", "I'm not even gonna ask her.", "No, you have to. She likes you.", "She said so herself.", "I mean...", "Oh, my god,\nyou went and saw her, too.", "I swear to you, I did not.", "My wife's always getting\non me about my dry elbows.", "So good to be in a relationship.", "Anyone special in your life?", "Or maybe just someone\nyou're interested in?", "Interes-ted in?", "You know, we should really\nget this mole checked out.", "It's just a little irregular.", "Marshall: Irregular? Oh, my god.", "This is it. It's all over.", "One of my patients has this", "Little butterfly tattoo\nat the bottom of his back.", "Can you stop talking about\nyour other patients?!", "I'm dying here, woman!", "There you go. Look,\neven if it is something,", "It's easily treatable,\nso try to relax.", "Okay.", "Hey, what was it\nyou were saying before", "About the guy\nwith the butterfly tattoo?", "Oh, that... That's nothing.", "It's just a little crush.", "So I will be calling\nyou with your results.", "Oh. Okay. Thank you.", "Oh, sir, your book!", "No.", "Yes.", "She said \"crush\"?", "And she was talking about me?", "Narrator: That last session\nwas the least painful of all.", "I savored every searing blast\nof that laser.", "The moment I'd waited\nten weeks for had arrived.", "Stella...", "Now that I'm\nno longer your patient,", "Would you like\nto have dinner with me?", "Ted, you're a really nice guy...", "Oh, no.", "It has been so great\ngetting to know you.", "I am gonna kill marshall.", "I've had so much fun\nthese past ten weeks.", "Oh, my god, this is worse\nthan the laser.", "I have a daughter.", "What?", "Her name's lucy. She's eight.", "Work and being with her,\nthat's pretty much my life.", "My social calendar", "Is movie night with the girls\nonce a month", "When I can get a sitter.", "I mean, I've been to one party\nin the past year...", "St. Patty's day...\nIt was awful, I left early.", "But, really, my only free time", "Is the two minutes\nI get for lunch, so...", "This is why I don't date.", "Ted, I only have time", "For one most important person\nin my life, and that's lucy.", "Anyway, it's been fun.", "Next time, think before you ink.", "But if you ever do\nwake up with, like,", "A dolphin tattoo on your ankle,\njust give me a call.", "There it is...", "She's a mom.", "It's just not gonna happen.", "Sorry, dude.", "Have a shrimp.", "I'm good.", "I guess I got no one\nbut myself to blame.", "She told me right from the start", "She was gonna say no\nand sure enough...", "Wait a minute.", "Hi. Hi.", "You didn't actually say no.", "What do you mean?", "All this time you were, uh,\nyou were supposed to say no,", "But you didn't...\nI checked the transcript.", "So, here's what I'm proposing.", "Uh... You only have\ntwo minutes, right?", "Right.", "Okay. You want to, uh...", "Go on a a two-minute date\nwith me?", "Last two-minute date I\nhad gave me a daughter.", "But, um... Okay.", "Great.", "And... Go.", "Taxi!", "Ted, I seriously only\nhave two minutes...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa won't you let me\nwalk you home from school? \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "That's like 120 seconds.", "380 west 22nd, please.", "And step on it.\nWe're in a hurry.", "380 west 22nd? That's...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa won't you let me meet you\nat the pool? \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Aha!", "Right this way.", "Thank you, sir.", "You know, I have always\nwanted to try this place.", "House salad. Oh.", "So, college?", "Stanford.", "Uh-huh. Wesleyan.", "Oh, good. Do you\nknow adam lazar?", "No. Scott crable? Mm-mm.", "Eggplant parmesean.", "Thanks. Oh, already cut up.\nNice.", "Could we get the check, please?", "We're trying to make a movie\nin 15 seconds.", "Of course. Okay, great.", "Uh, how do you want to do this?", "You had the eggplant parm.", "I only really had water, so...", "I'm kidding. Oh.", "Okay. Let's go.", "Taxi! You nervous?", "A little bit.\nYou can't tell at all.", "Oh, good. Yeah.", "Hello!", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Tell him what we said\n'bout \"paint it black\" \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "384 west 22nd.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Rock 'n roll is here to stay 15 seconds.\nThe movie's started.", "Nah, previews. We'll be fine.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Come inside where it's okay", "Ah! Just in time.\nIt hasn't started yet.", "So, what are we seeing?", "Manos: Hands of fate.", "The whole thing?", "Only the important parts.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And I'll shake you", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa ooh-hoo", "Worst movie ever.", "Yeah, I almost walked\nout, like, five times.", "How we doing on time? Taxi!", "We got a little time.", "Okay. Do you want to walk it?", "Why not?", "Hello!", "Good-bye!", "So what grade's\nyour daughter in?", "Third grade.", "Ah! That's a good year.", "Yeah, she's wonderful.", "I just wish that I could get\nher to quit smoking, you know?", "What? I'm kidding.", "Oh. Look, coffee and dessert?", "You know, this neighborhood\njust keeps on changing.", "This used to be a cute,\nlittle italian restaurant.", "I know. New york.", "It's a living organism,\nan ever-changing tapestry.", "Ooh, look at the time.", "Mmm, the cheesecake's amazing.", "Flowers?", "I'm allergic.", "Okay. See? We're getting\nto know each other.", "Stella, I had a lovely...", "Doggy bag? Oh.", "Stella, I had a lovely time.", "Me, too, ted.", "And... Date.", "Huh?", "That wasn't so bad, right?", "No lengthy, awkward silences.", "Dessert ran a little long, so...", "I had to cut the\ngood-night kiss.", "I think I can be late just once.", "Ted...", "Look, I would love\nto have a second date, I would.", "But I understand that you really\ndon't have time right now,", "But if you ever do,\nwill you give me a call?", "Yes.", "Okay.", "And that, kids,\nis how you turn a \"no\"", "Into a \"yes.\"", "All my friends told me,\n\"abby, be strong.", "He doesn't deserve\nanother chance.\"", "No, no, no. But I forgive you!", "No, no, no, no!", "He seemed so nice,\nbut then he just kept", "Toying with my emotions.", "Wow.", "This ted guy\nsounds like a real jerk.", "You know your problem?", "You're too sweet.", "Aren't you going to see\nthe doctor about that mole?", "Oh, yeah.", "Turns out it's just a raisinet.", "Hey, how would you like", "Me to take you out\nto a fancy restaurant", "And then go on a shopping spree?", "Treat you the way\nyou should be treated.", "Would that make you forget\nabout that ted monster?", "My mom was wrong.", "There are nice guys in new york.", "We just have to go\nby my hotel room first.", "My bed was broken.", "I just have to make sure\nthey fixed it.", "Well, then if it's fixed,", "Can we can have sex on it\nand then go shopping.", "I like you."], "How I Met Your Mother S03E14 The Bracket": ["Narrator: Kids, back\nwhen we were younger,", "Your uncle marshall and I were\nreally into college basketball.", "Every year, March madness would\ntake over the entire apartment.", "Hey. What's with the blackboard?", "It's our ncaa bracket.", "Big board equals big luck!", "Hey, that looks familiar.", "Where did you get it?", "Hello.", "Uh, I'm looking\nfor my wife, ms. Aldrin.", "There's no school today.\nIt's Saturday.", "Of course. How could I forget?", "Dumb ass.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Big board!", "Big luck!", "We found it. No big deal.", "Anyway,", "Every year, ted and\nI go in together", "On this big money pool\nout in staten island.", "Ted: Yeah. The winner gets", "$100,000 stuffed\nin a duffel bag.", "And you get to keep\nthe duffel bag.", "Why do you guys\nput yourselves through this?", "You lose every year.", "Ted: That's because", "In the past,\nwe were just guessing.", "This year,\nwe watched every game,", "Read box scores,\ntracked injuries.", "This isn't March madness.", "This is March meticulously\nthought-outness.", "Your team lost 20 minutes ago.", "I didn't know\nthey were playing today.", "You okay, barney?", "Something strange is going on.", "I was down at the\nhardware store,", "Trying to get\na little somethin' somethin'.", "Wait. You go\nto the hardware store", "To pick up girls?", "There are four kinds of women", "Who go to the hardware store\nby themselves.", "Of course there are.", "Single, recently single,\nrecently divorced,", "Lesbian who will let me watch.", "You could not be more evil.", "Sorry. Five.", "Recently widowed. Mm.", "So, I'm talking to this girl...", "Look, I'm sure he's\nin a better place.", "Now let's find you\na sturdier ladder.", "I was only gone\nfor a second when...", "See? Skid-proof.", "The same thing happened\nat the pet store yesterday.", "Pet store?", "Single girl, mid-twenties,", "Looking for a canine replacement", "For the boyfriend\nwho just dumped her.", "Instead, finds barney.", "God bless you, ted.", "You're reading my blog.", "I'm really bored at work.", "I'd call your ex a dog,", "But that would be an insult\nto little ladybug here.", "Oh, I want to take\nher home right now.", "Not without a chew toy\nfrom uncle barney first.", "Okay.", "Barney: And when I got back...", "I'm sorry, I'm already\nspoiling her,", "But diamond in the ruff?", "Could your heart just melt?", "Jerk!", "Okay.", "Weird, right?", "Yeah. The same thing happened\nlast week at the museum.", "All: Ooh, ooh, ooh! Lily.", "You pretend to be a\nstruggling young artist", "Who needs a new muse.", "No. Marshall: Ooh,\nooh, ooh, ooh.", "Casing the joint for a thrill", "Money can no longer give you!", "Oh. No.", "Robin.", "You're going blind,", "And you're trying\nto soak up all the beauty", "In the world\nbefore the darkness descends.", "Bingo!", "So, I was talking to this girl.", "At this point, about 83%.", "Soon, these audio guides\nwill be all that I have left.", "I'm so sorry.", "My god, you are beautiful.", "Oh. Hey.", "How about I get you a headset", "So you can see with\nyour ears like I do?", "Uh...", "Aah!", "I'm s...", "Aah! I...", "I couldn't have been gone\nmore than 20 seconds,", "But when I came back...", "Hmm. You know, I also love\nthe smell of great art.", "Why does this keep happening?", "Maybe you're not as good a\nliar as you think you are.", "Hmm.", "Oh, really?", "Then why am I not\nin prison for perjury?", "But I don't want\nto talk about work.", "Something", "Weird is going on here.", "Narrator: But the next\nnight got even weirder.", "Alan alda.", "It was alan alda.", "You never gonna believe\nwhat just happened.", "Who was that, um, guy from mash?", "The main guy. What...?", "Hawkeye from mash.", "How can I be blanking on this?", "Alan alda?", "No.", "Woman: Hey, a word of advice?", "That guy you were talking\nto, barney stinson...", "I know he seems charming,", "But he's just saying\nwhatever it takes", "To get in your pants.", "Sleeping with barney was the\nbiggest mistake of my life.", "Oh, my god. Where is she?", "Oh.", "She must have left. She...", "Well, she-she said\nI hooked up with her?", "What was her name?\nWhat did she look like?", "She didn't say her name,\nbut she had blonde hair, boobs.", "Kind of trashy.", "Dead in the eyes with an aura\nof self-loathing and despair?", "Yes! That's all of them.", "Okay. Stay calm.", "Let's think this through.", "One of the girls", "Who I lied to,\nseduced and abandoned", "Is trying to ruin my life.", "Shouldn't be too hard\nto figure out which one it is.", "Oh, dear god!", "This is a nightmare.", "Some woman that I slept with", "And screwed over is trying\nto ruin my life.", "God, why is this happening\nto me?", "It's karma.", "Nah, it's not karma.", "She's stripping in vegas.", "Plus, we're good.", "Ted: Look, if you\nwant to figure out", "Who it is, why don't you just\nstart by checking your list?", "My list?", "Dude, do not pretend\nyou're not the kind of guy", "Who keeps a list of all\nthe girls he's slept with.", "I have one.", "It's called my marriage license.", "Come on, let's see the list.", "Ted, don't be crass.", "I would never", "Demean the women", "That I've slept with\nby putting their names", "On some tawdry list.", "This is a scrapbook", "Of all of the women\nI've slept with.", "I made it at the\nscrapbook barn on 7th.", "Ask for heloise.\nTell her I sent you.", "What do you think, lil?", "You recognize the saboteur?", "I don't know, barney.", "I only saw her face.", "How many", "Of these girls know\nthey're being photographed?", "All of them, but only about half\nbuy a copy on the way out.", "Oh, barney,\nyou're never gonna figure out", "Which one of these\nis the mystery woman.", "All of these women have a right\nto hate you.", "Oh, lily, come on, lighten up.", "I mean, any girl who's gonna\nbe with a guy like barney", "And do this or that,", "Or this and that,", "Or do this with those in that...", "Hmm. I mean, she should have\nknown what she was getting into.", "Absolutely. Mm.", "And what I do with these women", "Should be between me and them.", "And you guys.", "And heloise.", "She helped me do the decoupage.\nHmm.", "I don't know, barney.", "I don't recognize any\nof these women.", "I mean, some minor celebrities,\none government official,", "And what appears to be a\nnational fast food chain mascot.", "Oh.", "This is impossible.", "There's too many girls.", "How the hell am I gonna\nnarrow this down?", "The top 64 women\nI've slept with,", "Split into four regions.", "This tournament", "Will systematically narrow down", "Which girl has the most cause\nto hate my guts.", "Last girl standing\nhas to be the saboteur.", "Absolutely not, barney.", "We are not going to make a game", "Out of the women you've tricked\ninto sleeping with you.", "No way!", "The girl who thought\nhe had 12 hours to live", "Has way more cause\nto ruin his life", "Than the girl\nhe fake proposed to.", "It's fake proposal girl.", "I mean, she hired\na wedding planner!", "It's 12 hours to live! That girl\nflew them both to paris!", "Oh, she only bought him\na one-way ticket!", "Okay, okay, everybody! Hands.", "Marshall, ted & lily:\n12 hours to live!", "Damn it! Yeah.", "Okay, toss up.", "\"Thought I was jorge posada,\"", "Or \"you have my dead wife's\nkidney?\"", "Kidney! Jorge posada!", "She bought yankees season\ntickets to watch him play!", "That's true... It's\n\"dead wife's kidney.\"", "How are we even discussing this?", "Fake baby! Lost at sea!", "Fake baby! Lost at sea!", "I was there.", "Trust me.", "It's fake baby.", "Down to the sweet 16.", "And coming out of\nthe upper west side, we have", "The number three seed, \"girl\nwho thought I owned Google,\"", "Up against the number", "Seven seed,", "\"girl who thought\nI was a scuba instructor.\"", "You got to go scuba instructor.", "You're kidding me!", "She got the bends!", "Yeah, she did.", "Boo.", "Evil twin!", "Prince of norway!", "How could it not be\nprince of norway?!", "Barney, you're the tiebreaker.", "I'm going with evil twin.", "You're kidding me!", "Sorry, but I did sleep\nwith that girl twice.", "As barney and larney.", "Okay, we're down\nto the final four.", "What do you think, people?", "Come on, dig deep.", "Oh! I can't decide.", "It could be any one of them.", "Is that the blackboard\nfrom my classroom?", "Come on! Marshall?", "I'm tired and sad.", "Mosby?", "I want to call my mom,", "Just tell her I love her.", "Okay.", "Then this is as far as we get.", "The final four.", "It's got to be meg, anna,", "Kate or holly.", "We are gonna\ntrack these girls down,", "And you're going to tell me", "Which one approached you\nat the bar.", "You guys stole my blackboard!", "Okay, there's her building.", "When she comes out,\nI'm gonna hide,", "And once you figure out\nif she's the girl", "From the bar, we run like hell.", "No.", "What do you mean, no?", "That woman, like every woman", "In your final four,\ndeserves an apology,", "And I'm not telling\nyou if she's the one", "Until I hear you\nsay, \"I'm sorry.\"", "Are you nuts? That would involve\nme speaking to a woman", "I've already had sex with,\nwhich, frankly,", "Is a little bit like changing\nthe oil in a rental car.", "Ugh!", "Barney, you're doing this.", "Lily, this girl hates me.", "I hooked up with her\nin an apartment", "I was pretending was my own,", "Told her I loved her,\nand then ditched her there.", "She got arrested\nfor trespassing,", "Bit a cop, and spent\neight days in jail.", "Oh, crap, there she is!", "If she sees me,\nshe's gonna kill me!", "Okay, here's what we're gonna do.\nHey, meg!", "Over here!", "Look who it is!", "Your old friend barney!", "Barney?", "If she kills me, I want you\nto go into my apartment,", "Grab the metal briefcase\nunder my bed", "And throw it in the east river.", "What are you doing here?", "Look, meg, we need to talk. Shh.", "It was all my fault.", "I know it was, baby.", "I just came on too strong.", "And I forgive you.", "I love you.", "Oh, my god!", "I love you, too!", "No!", "What's the matter with you?", "Get off of him!", "Look, she's not the one,", "But you still owe her an apol...", "So you remember who this\none is, right? Yes.", "You told her you were ted\nand that you were an architect.", "Right, and if you recall,", "Her computer had a web cam\nand a t-1 line, so I...", "Yeah, I know, barney,\nyou showed me.", "And that still doesn't count\nas a christmas present.", "Go over there and apologize.", "Ah, there she is. Ooh,", "And she's holding hot coffee.", "Maybe she'll throw\nit in your face.", "You're really enjoying this,\naren't you?", "I'm making a scrapbook.", "Anna, hi.", "Look who it is.", "Mr. Big shot architect.", "If you're here to ask me", "To take down the web site,\nforget it.", "What web site?", "Ted-mosby-is-a-jerk-dot-com.", "You're right, I do deserve that.", "That's all I came here to say.", "You know what?", "I don't care who knows about it.", "Excuse me. Excuse me.", "I, ted mosby,", "Am a jerk to women.", "Tell your sisters.\nTell your daughters", "To stay away!", "Ted-mosby-is-a-jerk-dot-com.", "Narrator: And that little web\nsite went on to get 400,000 hits.", "Thanks, barney.", "Okay, which one is this again?\nShe's...", "Larney!", "Why?!", "Is it her?", "Die! Smile.", "You look good.", "Have you lost weight?", "We're down\nto the number one seed.", "I knew it was holly.", "It had to be holly.", "Man, I was hoping\nit wasn't holly.", "Barney, did you hear that?", "Somebody's stealing my truck.", "Barney?", "Barney!", "That was the worst thing\nyou've ever done.", "That is the worst thing\nanyone has ever done.", "But in my defense,", "She was kind of annoying.", "She's gonna kill you.", "Barney. Holly.", "Mark, come over here.", "Barney, this is my fianc\u00c3\u00a9, mark.", "Barney?", "You're the barney who ditched\nher in the woods?", "So you're not mad at barney?", "Don't you want an apology?", "An admission of guilt?", "Your truck back?", "No, whatever happened\nwas in the past.", "Mark is my present\nand my future.", "Mark: And if you ditching\nholly in the woods", "Made her stop running around\nwith guys like you,", "Then cheers.", "Well, then,", "To the last\nfourth of July weekend", "I'll spend getting eaten alive\nby mosquitoes.", "Fourth of July?", "We started dating in June.", "We ruined their lives.", "And the worst part of it", "Is that you didn't apologize\nto any of those women.", "No, the worst part is that", "We still have no idea\nwho my stalker is.", "Well, that's because you're\ngoing about this all wrong.", "I mean, why chase someone\nwho's following you?", "All you need to do", "Is go down to the bar,\nhit on someone,", "And wait until she turns up.", "That's not a bad idea.", "Ooh, ooh, I'll pretend to be\nthe girl that you're hitting on.", "I don't know.\nThat's a lot riding on a girl", "Who giggles when she lies.", "I do not.", "Have you ever fallen asleep\nwhile eating ribs?", "No.", "Look, I can do this, okay?", "I mean, how else are you\ngoing to find out", "Who this girl is.", "I'm in.", "Okay, here's\nhow it's gonna work.", "Now, lily,", "She knows what you look like,", "So just hang out at the jukebox,", "And don't draw any attention\nto yourself.", "And the guys will be\nin the booth,", "Just pretending to have\na normal conversation.", "Talking, we should\nbe talking. Words.", "Here are words.", "Why is this so hard?", "Laughter!", "And then I'll come in,", "Looking hot as all hell.", "Wow, you are gorgeous.", "Oh, god, I know that's awful.", "I just, uh... Shh, go away.", "But come back later.", "And then barney\nwill make his move.", "Hey, there, how are you doing?", "Fine, barney.", "I mean, um,", "Fine, stranger.", "Wow, you really\nare awful at this, aren't you?", "Get your hand", "Off my thigh, barney.", "It's supposed to look like", "We're about to hook up, robin.", "You know, I'm curious.", "What do you say to these girls", "To get them to come\nhome with you?", "Usually, I just", "Lean in and whisper\nthis one thing in their ear.", "You're a little turned on right\nnow, aren't you?", "No.", "Oh. Look, somebody's\nwatching us.", "Make your move to the bathroom.", "Uh, I'm going to go\nto the bathroom now,", "But, uh, when I come back\nwe'll go to my place", "And have sex.", "Ted: Dude, dude, dude, look.", "Blonde girl heading over\nto robin right now. We are go.", "I don't know\nwhat to do with my hands.", "What do I normally do\nwith my hands?", "Barney.", "I brought a copy of the bracket.", "Which one is she?", "I don't recognize her.", "She's not on the top 64.", "Not even on bracket.", "Wow, cinderella story", "Comes out of nowhere\nto win the whole thing.", "That'll warm your heart.", "Are you okay?", "I don't even recognize her.", "Hey.", "I don't remember you.", "I've spent the last\ntwo days trying to remember", "Every girl that I've slept with\nand all the horrible things", "That I have done to them.", "And I have done\nsome horrible things.", "I mean,", "At one point,\nI'm pretty sure I sold a woman.", "I didn't speak the language,", "But I shook a guy's hand,\nhe gave me", "The keys to a mercedes,\nand I left her there.", "I'm the guy who keeps\na scrapbook", "Of all of the women\nI have slept with,", "But I never thought\nI was the guy", "Who would sleep with a girl\nand not even remember her.", "So from the bottom of my heart,", "For whatever I did to you,", "I apologize.", "Oh, barney!", "Oh, I'm so proud of you.", "That's not her.", "I'm so sorry. What? What?", "Barney, I'm sorry, that's\nmy friend sally from work.", "We just ran into each other.", "So I apologized for nothing?", "Yes, but it was a great apology.", "And a perfect way\nto end my scrapbook.", "I'm going to call this photo\n\"barney's redemption.\"", "Could you stop\ngiving me the finger?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa One shining moment", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa you reached for the sky", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa one shining moment you knew", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa one shining moment", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa you were willing to try", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa one shining moment", "Narrator: Eventually,\nbarney did figure out", "Who the mysterious girl was.", "But more on that later.", "Barney, come back to bed.", "You have a shuttle launch\ntomorrow.", "And that asteroid that's\nheaded for manhattan,", "It's not going\nto destroy itself."], "How I Met Your Mother S03E15 The Chain of Screaming": ["Narrator: Kids, the spring of 2008\nwas a pretty great time for me.", "Stella and I had started dating,", "And I'd just gotten\na big raise at work,", "So I decided to purchase\nsomething I knew", "Would be the envy\nof all my friends.", "A new car!", "Ted, this is new york city...\nyou're never gonna drive it.", "This is a really,\nreally stupid purchase,", "And I'm sorry, but none\nof us can support it.", "Shotgun for eternity!", "You can't call shotgun\nfor eternity.", "I just called it.", "You can't just call\nthings, barney.", "I call that I can call things!", "Nah-uh. Yeah-huh. Hey, baby.", "Beer.", "Are you okay?", "Beer.", "Okay, what happened?", "They always told me that,", "That working at a big law firm", "Was like being at war.", "Marshall:\nYou get out of law school,", "It's like getting\nout of boot camp.", "That first day at work,", "You're storming the beaches,", "Full of piss and vinegar...", "Dude, we're lawyers now.", "Totally.", "We've got briefcases\nand everything.", "Freakin' briefcases.", "You have anything in yours?", "Totally empty. You?", "Candy bars.", "Oh!", "Then you get in the trenches\nside by side with your buddies,", "And you feel\na sense of camaraderie.", "But before too long...", "Hey, marshall.", "The shells start to fall.", "Hello, arthur.", "Arthur hobbes\nis one of the senior partners", "At my firm, and he's...\nHe's my boss.", "He seems like a nice guy,", "But he's got a nickname...", "Artillery arthur.", "How's your morning going?", "It's going fine; how is yours?", "Not too bad, not too bad.", "Hey, is ferguson in yet?", "He is, he's in...\nJust in his office next door.", "That's great.\nHave a good one, buddy.", "You, too.", "You never know\nwho's gonna get hit...", "Arthur: Hey, ferguson!", "I read your report,\nand it's complete crap!", "No, you know what?\nThat's an insult to crap.", "If crap could eat and then\ncrap stuff out, it's that!", "Your report is the\ncrap that crap craps!", "If you last two more days\nhere, I'll be shocked!", "Shocked!", "It was brutal,", "But the worst\nwas a few minutes later.", "Did you hear that?", "Yeah, sorry.", "Can you believe he did that", "On take your daughter\nto work day?", "So that brings us to today.", "Oh, no.", "A little background.", "So I'm working on this report", "Called \"using 23-b-3 spurious\nclass action precedent\"", "\"to contest\na class certification order", "Based on a lack of commonality,\nnumerosity...\"", "Dude, you lost us.", "Can't you just\ncall it something cool", "Like \"the ninja report\"?", "Okay. Yeah, fine, whatever.", "Um, so I'm supposed", "To turn in \"the ninja report\"\nyesterday.", "Awesome. Ooh... Oh, wow. Cool.", "But I got insanely busy\nwith other stuff,", "I didn't get\na chance to finish it,", "And then this morning...", "Arthur: Hey, ferguson.\nFerguson: Hey, arthur.", "How's your day going?", "I gotta go. Great. How is yours?", "Great, great... hey,\nis marshall in yet?", "Oh, thank god.", "Yeah, he's right in there.", "Fantastic. Have a\ngood one, buddy.", "And then...", "He screamed at me.", "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.", "What, that's it?", "You're upset because a guy\ntalked loudly near you?", "Barney, I have never\nbeen screamed at", "Like that in my life.", "Come on, when's the last time", "You got screamed at at work?", "I got screamed at\nthree times today.", "Once in Korean.", "This is corporate\namerica, marshall.", "Screaming is a\nmotivational tool,", "Like christmas bonuses\nor sexual harassment.", "It's just good business.", "Oh, baby, it's just not fair.", "You've been working so hard.", "Late nights, weekends.", "I never see you.", "We've barely made love in weeks.", "It's bad, guys;\nmama needs her sugar.", "Look, marshall, he screamed\nat you, you took it.", "He probably respects you\nmore for it.", "Yeah, about that...", "So arthur's busy giving me\nthe full screaming treatment...", "Face turning red,", "Vein in his forehead\nabout to burst,", "Spittle flying like shrapnel.", "Everyone you work with\nwalking by your office,", "Peering in.", "And suddenly,\nI just felt all of it.", "All of what?", "All of it.", "The fact that I became a lawyer\nto save the environment,", "And now I'm working\nfor the bad guys instead.", "The fact that I am stuck\nin this job", "Because of a mortgage\nI can barely afford", "On an apartment that is crooked.", "The fact that", "I am a grown man,", "And nobody,\nnot even artillery arthur,", "Has the right\nto talk to me like that!", "Uh-oh.", "I begged my body not to do it.", "But it was no use.", "Oh, god!", "I just... I just... I just...", "Just because you\nweren't around for this,", "I called shotgun for all\neternity in ted's car.", "Dude, I can't believe you\ncried in front of your boss.", "I don't know what happened.", "There's just something about\nbeing yelled at like that,", "Like I was being\nscolded by my dad.", "Suddenly...\nSuddenly I was a little boy.", "Is \"boy\" the right word?", "I felt absolutely powerless.", "Flaccid... hell, I...\nI felt castrated.", "God, you're hot right now.", "And the worst thing is,\ntomorrow morning I have to walk", "Into arthur's office\nand give him the ninja report.", "Ooh. Ooh. Ninjas are cool.", "How the hell am I supposed\nto face this guy again?", "Here's what I would do\nif I were you.", "Hi, arthur.", "Hello, marshall.", "Have you finally finished\nthe ninja report?", "Yeah, I got it.", "Right here.", "I think it's gonna\nblow you away.", "Please, I have a family.", "So we good?", "We're so good.", "Then why are you\nstill in my office?", "Okay, gun violence might be\nthe answer to everything", "Up in canada, robin,", "But here in america, we solve\nour problems with words.", "Marshall, you go in\nand you dazzle this guy", "With a big eloquent speech\ndefending human dignity.", "Like abraham lincoln.", "Yeah, because it's so easy\njust to bust out a big,", "Eloquent speech\noff the top of your head.", "Observe.", "Arthur?", "What do you want, marshall?", "Justice, sir.", "You see, we are all born with\ncertain incontrovertible rights,", "The most fundamentally paramount\nof which", "Is the right...", "Wait, you can't\nbe fundamentally paramount.", "One means highest,\none means lowest.", "You are nailing this.", "Human beings have rights,", "And those rights are, um...", "You got me hooked, reel me in.", "There are certain justices", "That cannot or will not", "Be inalienable... As such...", "For the future.", "Stuck the landing... bravo!", "Thank you.", "Security's gonna rough you up\na bit on the way out.", "Guys, guys, this\nis not helping, okay?", "I can't have some\nbig confrontation with arthur.", "I need this job,\nI... I need the money.", "Yeah, but how good would it feel\nto walk in there tomorrow,", "Tell him off and then quit?", "It's great to fantasize about,", "But nobody\never actually does it.", "Gary blauman did it.", "Guy I used to work with,\nthe guy's a legend now.", "We were at the morning meeting,\nand old blauman", "Was getting reamed out but good.", "Barney: Pretty much routine", "At the morning meeting,\nbut then,", "On this particular day,\nsomething amazing happened.", "You made yourself look bad,", "You made this company look\nbad, and quite frankly,", "You made our friends,\nthe north koreans, look bad!", "And I'll tell\nyou something else,", "Blauman,\nif you think for one moment...", "You know what, bilson?", "You can kiss my ass.", "Oh, snap.", "What? You heard me.", "I don't need\nto take your crap anymore.", "My cousin's website\nwent public today,", "And I made a pile of money", "On the ipo,\nso you know what I think", "Of this whole damn company?", "O-kay.", "Oh, my god.", "He peed on the conference table?", "Come on, come on, come on,", "Come on, come on,\ncome on, come on.", "Uh, look, could you guys\njust look away for a second", "Till I get started?", "Come on.", "Come on.", "Does this help?", "Eventually, he just\ngave up and left.", "And then his cousin's\nwebsite tanked.", "And then he became a janitor\nat an old folks' home", "And moved into a one-room\napartment above a bowling alley.", "That's it?\nThat's the end of the story?", "No, no, of course\nnot... he died.", "How does that help me?", "How does any of this help me?", "Can somebody, for god's sakes,", "Please give me\none piece of useful advice?", "Lily, control your woman.", "The lesson of blauman\nis that when your boss", "Screams at you, you\nnever scream back.", "That's why there's a little\nthing in corporate america", "I like to call the\nchain of screaming.", "Chain of screaming? Yes.", "The chain of screaming\nstarts at the top.", "Barney: Arthur's boss's boss\nscreams at arthur's boss.", "Arthur's boss screams at arthur.", "Arthur screams at you.", "You go home and scream at lily.", "Lily screams at one of the kids\nin her kindergarten class.", "Then that kid\nscreams at her dad,", "Arthur's boss's boss.", "And the whole thing\nstarts all over again,", "Thus completing the\ncircle of screaming.", "I thought it was\na chain of screaming.", "It's a circle, ted,\nI called it a circle.", "I don't scream at lily.", "And I don't scream at my kids,", "None of whom have parents\nwho work at marshall's firm.", "So it's not a circle.", "Fine... you want it to be\na chain of screaming,", "It's a chain of screaming.", "I came up with the circle\nidea halfway through,", "'cause I thought it was\na more elegant metaphor,", "But fine, ruin it!", "You guys always undermine me", "When I'm trying to make a\npoint, and I'm sick of it!", "God, I'm surrounded by idiots!", "Idiots!", "See, doesn't everyone\nfeel better now?", "Lily, I need your take on this.", "What... What should I do?", "Well, what I teach my\nkids in kindergarten...", "Oh, god.", "Is, when dealing with a bully,", "The most important thing", "Is to be constructive\nand positive.", "Hello, arthur.", "Hello, marshall.", "I have the ninja report\nright here.", "But arthur,", "In the future, if you want\nsomeone to do their best work,", "Try to motivate them\nnot with fear and intimidation,", "But through encouragement,\ninspiration and respect.", "Well said, marshall.", "I... I needed to hear that.", "By the way,", "I saw your wife's picture\nin your office.", "That is one tasty slice.", "Oh, you're damn right.", "You know what I'm gonna do\nwhen I get home?", "Oh, yeah.", "I'm gonna rip\nthat girl's clothes off...", "That's it.", "Just throw her on the bed...", "That's where she belongs.", "And drive her home\nlike a pack of sled dogs!", "Oh, yeah! Yeah!", "It's bad, guys.", "Mama needs it bad.", "You're right, baby,\nit's about respect.", "That is the first useful thing\nanyone's said to me tonight.", "Can you give me\nthat speech again?", "I'm gonna drive her\nhome like a pack of...", "No, the other part, please.", "I have the ninja report\nright here, but...", "Narrator: And it seemed like\nthat was the end of it,", "But it wasn't,\nbecause the next night...", "Which of these carpets\nwould look better", "In the new apartment?", "I like the color of this one,\nbut this one's so soft.", "It would feel great\non your bare feet...", "Or your bare back,\na bead of eager sweat", "Rolling down", "Your trembling bosom.", "Lily, didn't we just go through\nthis with bathroom tiles?", "Hey.", "Shh, don't say my name.", "Lily can't know it's me.", "Just pretend\nyou're talking to stella.", "Be all lovey dovey.", "Hey, stella.", "Sweetie, how's it going?", "Not good, not good at all.", "Where are you right now?", "Right downstairs, come find me.", "Without lily.", "Okay, I'll, uh,\nI'll see you soon.", "I love you.", "I love you, too.", "Wow, you two are already\nsaying the \"I\" word, huh?", "Apparently.", "You hittin' that?", "Uh-oh.", "I'm in trouble, ted.", "Ted, I'm freakin' out, man.", "Um... It's a new car,\nso just be careful...", "I did something stupid...\nCan we just drive somewhere?", "I need to get away...\nJust drive, man.", "Please just drive.", "It's just, this is\na really good parking spot.", "Dude!", "Look, just tell me\nwhat happened first.", "Okay. Remember how I said\nI was gonna give that big speech", "That lily told me to give,\nbe firm but respectful?", "Well, it didn't totally\ngo that way.", "There is a lot of ketchup\non that burger.", "Sorry... what happened?", "After we all finished\ntalking last night,", "I went to the diner to finish\nworking on the ninja report.", "Hey, marshall.", "How long have you\nbeen sitting there?", "If you go in there with\nlily's kindergarten nonsense,", "You're gonna get torn apart.", "I'm here to save your life...\nYou hungry?", "Yeah, I was just about to order.", "What do you want?", "A bit and gravy fries.", "Mmm.", "Okay, friends,", "What do you like?", "A green tea with lemon for me,", "And for my friend here,\nthe meatloaf, please.", "Very good.", "No, I didn't want meatloaf.", "Marshall, the chain of screaming\nis a real thing.", "Arthur screamed at you; now you\nhave to scream at someone else.", "No, I don't.", "Yes, you do,", "Or else that anger\nis gonna eat you alive.", "Who would I even scream at?", "I don't know.", "How about somebody\nwho's disappointed you?", "Someone who's let you down?", "Someone who's gonna\nbring you meatloaf", "When you explicitly ordered\na bit and gravy fries?", "No.", "Hey, I was just\nheading to the bar.", "What are you guys\ndoing out here?", "Oh, I was just\ntelling ted a story.", "Ooh, I like stories.", "You want a lick?", "What? Is that ice cream\ncone big enough?", "Uh, it's delicious enough.", "Okay, so...", "Then I say to barney...", "I'm not gonna scream\nat the waiter, barney.", "Yes, you are.", "That waiter is every boss", "And every bully", "Who ever embarrassed\nor belittled you.", "And how dare he deny you", "The one thing that you want,", "That would make you happy\nat this moment,", "A bit and gravy fries!", "One green tea with lemon,\none meatloaf.", "Enjoy, my friends.", "Marshall.", "Excuse me?", "Yes?", "This is not what I ordered.", "Yes, it is.", "I beg your pardon, sir,", "But I ordered a bit\nand gravy fries,", "And as the customer,\nI'm always right, so...", "No, no, I am not going to\nstand here and take this!", "I am at the end of a triple\nshift... that's 18 hours!...", "And then I have", "To take two trains\nand a bus to astoria", "To have my wife scream at me\nbecause I'm never home.", "No, no, you eat\nyour damn meatloaf!", "Hey, what are you guys\ndoing out here?", "Oh, sweet, can I get a toot?", "Against car rules,\nit's against car rules!", "Oh, ted, relax, it's cuban.", "People pay to have their car\nsmell like this.", "Well, that's just not true.", "Oh, marshall,\nswitch seats with me.", "I called shotgun\nfor all eternity.", "You can't call shotgun\nfor eternity.", "Well, that's funny,\n'cause I did!", "It's case by case.", "Guys, I'm telling\na life-altering story here!", "A 20% tip, really,\nfor that waiter?", "I don't know, barney, he worked a triple...\nI can't believe...", "You know what, if you're not\ngonna yell at the waiter,", "Yell at me.", "What? Yell at me.", "I'm not gonna yell\nat you, barney.", "What, what, you think\nyou're gonna upset me?", "Please, give me your best shot.", "Okay, fine... what,\nyou want me to yell at you?", "Yeah.", "This is me", "Yelling at you, barney.", "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you\nover the sound of a butterfly", "Landing on a leaf\nabout three blocks away.", "This is me\nyelling at you, barney!", "Okay, you got some volume,\nnow give me some content.", "Make it hurt.", "You don't look as good in suits\nas you think you do!", "No, something that's true...\nCome on.", "The man made you cry.", "Make me cry.", "Your mom's a slut!", "Yes.", "Your mom's a slut,\nand I'm sorry, barney,", "But you and your brother\nclearly have different fathers,", "And you know why?", "It's probably because\nyour mom is a slutty slut!", "Keep going.", "I don't care what you say.", "Bob barker is not your father!", "Okay, now, well,\nthat's just not cool.", "Oh, my god, barney,\nI'm so sorry, I really...", "No, I'm kidding... Keep going.", "Bob barker's not your father!", "You've concocted this delusional\nidea that a game show host", "Is your real father,\nand he's not!", "You were abandoned, barney!", "You were abandoned,\nand you never dealt with it,", "And so now\nyou never allow yourself", "To feel anything,\nand that's how you survive", "In this corporate world,\nand if I keep heading", "Down this path,\nI'm gonna turn into you!", "And I don't want that!", "I don't want any of this!", "This is not\nwhy I became a lawyer.", "This is not the person\nthat I wanted to be.", "I quit, arthur!", "I quit!", "Well, thank you, eriksen,\nI needed to hear that.", "Really, 'cause I didn't mean\nto attack you personally,", "It's just that I...", "No, no, no, the part\nwhere you said, \"I quit.\"", "Now we don't have to pay you\na severance package.", "Uh, security's gonna rough you\nup a bit on the way out.", "Robin, you dropped\na little ice cream...", "Dude! Dude! Dude!", "I'm sorry.", "Don't blame this\non me, marshall.", "I told you to yell\nat someone beneath you.", "The circle of screaming is...", "The chain of scr...", "Pyramid...\nThe pyramid of screaming!", "The pyramid of screaming.", "How am I supposed to tell lily?", "She supported me through\nthree years of law school,", "And now is the time when\nI'm supposed to pay her back.", "Now we're gonna lose\nthe apartment.", "The place where we were gonna\nraise our children.", "How am I supposed to tell\nthe person who I love", "More than anything in this world", "That I've just thrown away\nour future?", "Hey.", "Everybody out, everybody\nout of the new car!", "Out of the new car!", "Ted, screaming\nnever solves anything.", "Narrator: And so, marshall finally\nhad to tell lily what happened.", "I'm so sorry.", "I just lost it.", "But I can fix it.", "First thing tomorrow,\nI'm gonna go in there", "On my hands and knees and...\nAnd beg for my job back.", "No, you're not.", "What?", "Marshall, our future isn't\nmoney or an apartment.", "And it's definitely not\nyou being miserable", "At that horrible job.", "I'm just happy to\nhave my husband back.", "We'll figure the rest out.", "I love you.", "I love you, too.", "Narrator: Ultimately, they\nwere able to make ends meet", "Without going bust\non the apartment.", "You sure about this?", "Yeah, who needs a car\nin new york city, right?", "Ted, I don't think\nI can accept...", "Marshall, don't make me\nscream at you.", "Thanks a lot, buddy.", "You guys did it in the car,\ndidn't...", "Oh, yeah.", "Definitely this one.", "Yeah."], "How I Met Your Mother S03E16 Sandcastles in the Sand": ["Narrator: Now, kids, when aunt robin\nwas a teenager she was, well...", "A canadian pop star.", "But by 2008, she was an\nentirely different person...", "Coming up next:\nIs your baby trying to kill you?", "Narrator: Which made\nthe events of that week", "All the more surprising.", "So, I go in this morning\nand... brr!... It's freezing!", "So I walk over there, and I don't\nknow why I'm still talking", "Because, clearly, we're all\nasking the same question:", "What in god's creation is\ngoing on with robin's breasts?", "I know! Right? Isn't it amazing?", "I spent half an hour\nmaking this happen.", "There's tape in there,\ncotton balls,", "Half of a nerf football,\nbut it works, right?", "Totally. What's the occasion?", "And old friend from canada\nis in town,", "And I'm meeting him for a drink.", "Ooh! Somebody you went\nto degrassi with?", "No. Actually, he was\nmy first boyfriend.", "Simon. I thought\nhe was the coolest guy ever.", "He smelled like drakkar.", "He could ollie on a skateboard.", "And he had the most amazing\ncollection", "Of hard rock cafe t-shirts.", "We spent the whole summer\nmadly in love.", "Tell me more. Tell me more.", "Like, did he have a car?", "So he's the guy who...", "How shall I say this\nlike a gentleman?", "Robin, did he take\nyour maple leaf?", "No, it wasn't like that.", "Sounds to me like he gave you\nyour first \"o canada\" face.", "Narrator: This went on\nfor a really long time.", "Some of the jokes were elegant\nand well-crafted...", "Wait, wait.\nDid he break up with you", "And tell you he's\njust not that inuit?", "Narrator: Others were\ncrude, and ill-formed...", "Um, something\nabout fur trapping.", "Narrator: And others were\nobvious, but needed to be said...", "Did you ride his zamboni?", "Oh! Come on! Oh!", "Wait, wait, wait. Did he...?", "I think I'm out.", "Yeah, I'm also \"oot.\"", "Okay, now I'm really out.", "Well, I'm sorry, guys.\nIt was all very tame.", "We only dated\nfor a week and a half.", "Wha...? I thought you said\nyou were together all summer.", "Yeah. Summer in canada is pretty\nmuch the last week of July.", "Anyway, one night,", "His band just finish playing\nthis gig...", "Oh, my god! Simon.", "That was such a good show.", "You guys totally rocked out.", "Yeah.", "I know.", "I figure we're about\nfour or five gigs away", "From really exploding.", "We're gonna be big, babe.", "I mean, like\ncrash-test-dummies big.", "So, that everything?", "Yeah.", "All right.", "Listen, babe...", "It's over.", "What?", "I'm getting back together\nwith louise marsh.", "Louise marsh?!", "That's a whore's name\nif I ever heard one.", "Yeah, why would he want to get\nback together with louise marsh?", "Well, the thing is...", "Her folks just put in a pool.", "Oh... So...", "Totally... I get it.", "Pools are great.", "Swimming's awesome.", "We have a sprinkler.", "Run right through it.", "Well, I should go.", "Uh...", "Babe, wait.", "Yeah, simon?", "You forgot to load the drum set.", "No!", "Tell me you did not load\nthe drum set.", "I did.", "And now he's coming here?", "Robin, why do you want\nto see this guy?", "Oh! I know why.", "You're gonna win, aren't you?", "I have no idea what\nyou're talking about.", "Yes, you do.", "Whenever you haven't seen\nsomeone for a long time,", "No matter how much\nyou want to deny it,", "There's always a clear winner\nand a clear loser.", "Well, since you brought it up,", "Let's add up the points.", "You're starting out\nwith two big ones right there.", "Thank you.", "Okay. So, simon still\nlives with his mom.", "Point robin.", "Um, he never became", "A rock star.", "Point robin.", "He now works at a water slide\npark outside of ottawa.", "Point simon.", "Wait. Do they have a wave pool?", "No.", "Ah. Point robin.\nThat's five-zip.", "There's no coming\nback from that.", "Yeah, he's going down.", "I mean, unless somehow,\nhe got hotter.", "There he is.", "Narrator: And sure enough,\nthere was a clear winner", "And a clear loser.", "Narrator: It just wasn't\nclear to everybody.", "Hey, babe.", "Oh, my god.", "Okay, what the hell\njust happened?", "Oh, come on, it wasn't\nso bad, was it?", "Hey, simon.", "Wow, look at you.", "You got old.", "Yeah. You look great.", "You got hotter,", "Like that's possible.", "So...", "Look, I know it didn't go\nas planned, but...", "I can't help it.", "I mean...", "He's still got it.", "Whoa! Four bucks for a brew?", "What a rip.", "Good thing I'm packing.", "So he's not a snob.", "He's from a different part", "Of canada, you know?", "The maple leaf flag on the back\nof the pickup truck?", "He's red province.", "He's from the deep north.", "And the thing is,", "We gave you so many\nopportunities.", "So, simon,", "Robin's a bit of a local\ncelebrity here in new york.", "She's the lead anchor", "At metro news one.\nTell him, robin.", "No. It's stupid.", "It's not cool,\nlike simon's shirt.", "I'm sorry, simon.", "Here we are nattering on\nabout our big celebrity.", "What do you do for a living?", "Oh, I work at the splish splash\nottawa water slide park.", "Huh! A water slide park.", "That sure is different\nthan what robin does.", "Yeah, it is...\nBecause I save lives.", "If I'm not sitting in that stool", "At the top of the slide,\ngoing...", "Go...", "Go...", "Go...", "People die.", "What, you think it's so easy?", "You try it.", "Um... Okay.", "Go.", "You didn't put your hand up;\nkid just died.", "No, I didn't know...", "Another kid just went;\nhe died, too.", "Oh, well, sure.\nI mean, if I was actually...", "Another kid just went;\nnow you've got a pile-up,", "And robin's got something\nto report on the news.", "This just in:", "My friend, ted, killed\na bunch of kids today.", "Lily: Well, that's cool.", "You got to pay the bills somehow", "Since your whole music thing\ndidn't really pan out, did it?", "Well, it hasn't panned out yet,\nbut the band's still going.", "About four or five gigs", "Away from really exploding.", "The foreskins are still playing?", "The foreskins?", "How'd you guys come up\nwith that name?", "Well, there's four of us,", "And we play without shirts.", "Babe, seriously.", "I know. I'm sorry.", "I know. I'm sorry.", "But you guys just\ndon't understand.", "The fact that he kept the band\ngoing... that's impressive.", "I mean, I gave up\nmy musical dream.", "Which brings us to the\nmost important piece", "Of information from tonight.", "So, simon,", "How did you guys meet?", "Oh, I was in her video.", "Starred in it is more like it.", "Well, once you win\nmr. Teen winnipeg,", "Everybody wants a piece\nof the moneymaker.", "I'm sorry. I've seen\n\"let's go to the mall\"", "About a thousand times,\nand you, sir, are not in it.", "I was in the other one.", "There's another video?!", "Robin, seriously,", "Just make this\neasier on yourself", "And give us the tape.", "No.", "All right.", "You leave me no choice.", "From this moment on,", "I will spend every waking minute\nsearching down this tape.", "I will not sleep.\nI will not eat.", "My life will be a living\nhell of search engines", "And overseas phone calls,", "Chasing down something\nthat possibly can't be found.", "Okay.", "It's just...", "It was so hard to watch, robin.", "You're usually so cool.", "I don't know\nwhat's wrong with me.", "I'm sitting next to simon,\nand suddenly I'm 16 again.", "Oh, it's actually\na common thing.", "When you're around\nsomeone from your past,", "You kind of revert back", "To who you were\nwhen you knew them.", "There's not really a name\nfor it, though.", "It's called \"revertigo.\"", "Yeah, I don't know\nabout \"revertigo.\"", "You know who gets\nreally bad revertigo?", "Lily when she's around", "Her high school\nfriend, michelle.", "Michelle? She sounds hot.", "Wait, wait. You don't know\nabout lily and michelle?", "No. What about\nlily and michelle?", "Oh, my friend,\nyou are in for a treat.", "Hey, lil? Lily: What?", "You know, I was just thinking,", "We haven't seen your friend\nmichelle in a while.", "Oh, yeah. I'll give her a call,\nsee if she wants to hang out.", "Yeah.", "What... do they make out?", "Better.", "Comparable. Comparable.", "Ugh, whatever.\nIt's over. I lost.", "I guess you, uh,", "You don't get a second chance.", "I got a second chance.", "What happened?", "He came by my place tonight...", "Simon. What are you doing here?", "I just feel like there's\nsome unfinished business", "Between you and me.", "Seeing you now...", "Has made me realize\nthat breaking up with you", "Is the biggest mistake\nI made in my entire life.", "Oh, I like where this is going.", "I know this is crazy,", "And I'm only in town\nfor a couple of days,", "But do you want to go on a date?", "He asked you out?!", "Oh, step into my web, simon.", "The coup de grace.", "Finish him!", "I'd lo to!", "Wait. You're going\non a date with simon?", "That simon? The one we met?", "Robin, this guy doesn't\ndeserve a second chance.", "Not after the way\nhe treated you.", "That was ten years ago.\nPeople evolve.", "I mean, are you the same person\nthat you were in high school?", "Oh, hell, no!", "I think you're gonna enjoy this.", "That my girl michelle?\nBitch, you know it!", "How she livin'? She livin' the\nonly way she know how to.", "Large!", "Oh, girl, you gots\nto get your drink on up in here.", "I'm hoping my fat ass can\nhustle me up a vodka-gatorade.", "For reals.", "I want her around all the time.", "I'd even consider not\ntrying to sleep with her", "If that's what it takes.", "Guys, I've decided\nto seduce michelle.", "Yeah! Guys, that was great.", "Let's take five.", "Hey, babe, did you like it\nafter my bass solo", "When I flicked my pick at you?", "That rocked.", "Yeah.", "Uh, 'cause I'm gonna need\nthat pick back.", "Oh, uh, sure.", "Um, I think it...", "It's cool. You'll find it later.\nOh, cool.", "I wish I didn't have to go\nto work in the morning.", "Oh, but, babe, you\ngot to go to work.", "You got to play our\ndemo on your show.", "Oh, well, you know,\nit's not a show.", "It's the news.", "Right. So you can be, like,", "\"hey, did you hear\nthere's some news?", "There's a rad band you\nguys should check out.\"", "And then play it.", "Or just, like, the\nfirst three songs.", "And now it's time\nfor \"puppy corner,\"", "Some little angels looking\nfor a new home,", "Courtesy of the\nmidtown animal shelter.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Murder", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa climb aboard\nthe murder train \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Murder", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa climb aboard\nthe murder train... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Hey, a lot of puppies\ngot adopted.", "Of course, a lot of the\npeople calling in thought", "We were going to kill them.", "Robin, your revertigo is really\nstarting to affect your work.", "What's revertigo?", "Stupid, made-up word\nwith no meaning.", "No. It's a phenomenon where,", "When you're around\npeople from your past,", "You start behaving like them.", "Oh. One example of that\nsprings to mind.", "I think we all know what it is.", "We do?", "Yeah. Ted.", "Me?", "Whenever ted's friend punchy\ncomes into town,", "It's like, all of a sudden,\nted's in high school again.", "Ted: Okay, okay.", "First of all,\nhis name is adam punciarello,", "And I don't do that.", "Ooh. That must be adam.", "'Sup, punchy? 'sup, shmosby?!", "You want to go?\nI'm already there!", "Come on! This is it!", "Dude, seriously,\nI'm sorry about your dad.", "Yeah, it was a real shock.", "I can't believe you, of all\npeople, are saying this.", "Why?", "No reason.", "Robin, the point is,\nwhat are you doing?", "I mean, this guy?", "Okay, you want the truth?", "Yeah. I like simon.", "I do.", "We have fun together.", "Oh, we know you do, honey,\nbut we're worried about you.", "You're worried? Okay, hold on.", "Is there any version\nof this conversation", "Where you guys don't sound\nlike my parents?", "I don't know.\nIs there any version", "Where you don't sound\nlike a 16-year-old?", "That's exactly what\nmy mom would say.", "No. If I was your mom,\nI would say,", "\"we forbid you\nfrom seeing this boy.\"", "lily!", "No, I'm sorry,\nbut it's for your own good.", "This is my life!", "You guys just don't get it!", "You've never felt the way\nthat I feel!", "Now, now. We were once\nyoung and in love, too.", "Yeah, like, a billion years ago.", "You've been drinking,\nhaven't you?", "Yeah, we all have.", "You bought the last round.", "You're not going\nto that show tonight!", "Oh, yes, I am,\nand you know what else?", "Tonight, after the show,", "Simon and I are going\nall the way!", "Young lady, get back here!", "Thanks for your help.", "Hey, so, today at work...", "Not now, ted!", "Geez.", "Ooh!", "Oh, hey, simon.", "Great show.", "You guys still rock.", "Yeah.", "They totally dug my bass solo.", "Man!", "Why can't I always\nfeel this alive?!", "God, I just love\nseeing you so happy.", "Yeah.", "About that.", "Listen, babe.", "It's over. What?", "I'm getting back together\nwith louise marsh.", "What?", "You're kidding me.", "You're breaking up with me?", "Again?", "F-for the same ex-girlfriend?", "In the same van?", "What is it?", "Her-her parents got a pool?", "Is that still the reason?", "Well...", "Her folks did just\nput in a jacuz.", "I'm sorry, robin.", "I'm fine, really.", "Oh, robin, I'm gonna\ntell you for real.", "Simon's a dawg.", "You feel me, chelle?", "Mm-hmm, for reals.", "He a scrub.", "Mm. True dat.", "I'ma get me my champagne\nand grape soda on.", "So, how's columbia?", "Great!", "I'm almost done\nwith my dissertation.", "Hmm. I'm getting a phd in\nbehavioral psychology.", "Um, can I make an observation?", "Oh. I know.", "Whenever I'm around lily,", "She just brings out\nthat side of me.", "There's a psychological term\nfor the phenomenon.", "Revertigo? No.", "Actually, it's associative\nregression. You see,", "The neural pathways that...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa come on, baby!", "Oh, no, you did not just", "Put on my jam!", "Oh. Put your hands up, girl!", "Holla! Holla!", "Narrator: One by one,\nwe all had to go home.", "Soon, it was just robin.", "Barney: All right.", "I can't find your video.", "I've wasted three days tr...", "What's the matter?", "Uh...", "Simon dumped me", "In his van after the show.", "Yeah, robin, that was,\nlike, ten years ago.", "No, tonight.", "Ooh.", "Really?", "Oh! Oh, come here.", "Come here.", "It's just...", "When I was young, I was so...", "Vulnerable and-and open\nto things, you know?", "And... I guess I just...\nI wanted to feel that way again.", "I wanted to be 16 again.", "Robin, that is\nthe stupidest thing", "I've ever heard\ncome out of your mouth.", "You want to be 16 again?", "I have watched your first", "Robin sparkles video\na thousand times,", "And it's not because\nI'm proud of you as a friend.", "It's because you were\ntotally, totally lame back then.", "But now, come on. Pa-kow!", "You're the most awesome person\nI have ever known.", "Well, second most awesome.", "Right. Of course,\nthe-the first being you.", "No.", "No. The first is this guy", "Who lives in a place\ncalled the mirror.", "What up.", "Oh.", "I'm saying", "That you are way more awesome\nthan simon ever will be.", "Barney, do you want to\ncome back to my place?", "Your place?", "Are you sure you want to do this?\nYeah. I am.", "Let's just not tell anyone\nabout this, okay?", "Of course.", "So, should I just put it in?", "Yeah, why not?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Met you at the mall...", "This was my big\nartistic follow-up", "To \"let's go to the mall.\"", "It kind of tanked.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa My friends said I was a fool", "You're a fool. Shut up!", "Is that tiffany? Mm-hmm.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa 'Cause you were older\nand got kicked out of school \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "You are so rad.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Together we were gonna\ntravel the globe \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa From alberta to ontario", "It's everything\nI want it to be and more.", "Oh, I'm so glad. Mm-hmm.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And now I'm building\nsandcastles in the sand \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Sandcastles in the sand \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Thought I could fly\nwhen you held my hand \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Thought I could fly \u00e2\u0099\u00aa\nbut now...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa eternity returns\nto black and white... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Is that alan thicke?", "Yeah.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa It was the greatest\nweek and a half \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Of my life", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa we used to go to the beach", "You know, if you reedit it,", "There's a tampon commercial\nin here somewhere.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa On our favorite bench", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa we'd sit and talk\nand you taught me to french \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa You're good at...", "Do you seem how lame\nyou were back then?", "Yeah, you're right. I was lame.", "Totally lame. Ugh.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa ...So unfair...", "Robot:\nYou don't understand about love.", "And, of course, the robot\nmakes an appearance", "In the sad love ballad.", "He was my sidekick.\nHe had to be.", "Narrator:\nAnd so they watched it again.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa It's crazy", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa no one gets me", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa let's go all the way", "I love you.", "Let's do it.", "I miss you.", "Narrator: And again.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Sandcastles may be cute", "I'm on the pill now.", "Narrator: And again.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa But now all they do\nis remind me of you... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "They watched it over and over\nthat night until finally,", "They stopped watching.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa You said it'd be okay..."], "How I Met Your Mother S03E17 The Goat": ["Narrator:\nWell, kids, here we are.", "We've arrived.", "My 30th birthday.", "The long-awaited story of...", "That week started\njust like any other.", "Barney woke up\nin some girl's bed.", "In my experience, the way\nthis normally goes is,", "We lie here for a while,", "Make a little awkward chitchat.", "Check.", "Then I make up some\ncabinet meeting, heart surgery,", "Rocket test flight\nI've got to be at,", "Slip out of the apartment\nand never call you again.", "And later at the bar,", "You tell your good friend robin", "The story of your\nlatest conquest,", "And she thinks to herself,", "\"who is this sad,\nself-loathing idiot", "Who climbed into bed\nwith barney stinson?\"", "Hmm.", "Actually, you usually\nsay that out loud.", "So...", "I just slept with\nmy best friend's ex-girlfriend.", "And I just slept", "With my ex-boyfriend's\nreally good friend.", "Best friend.", "Okay, here's the deal, barney.", "The second my feet\ntouch the ground,", "This never happened.", "Okay.", "Wait.", "Right click, save as...", "Into the .Bpeg folder, and okay.", "This never happened.", "It's a good plan.", "Now we go back to exactly\nthe way things were before.", "Okay.", "Okay.", "Right.", "So, robin?", "Yes, barney?", "Guess who nailed the chick\nfrom metro news 1 last night?", "Okay, uh, let me take a shower,", "Till June, and, um,", "Since you were never here\nto begin with,", "You won't be here\nwhen I get out.", "Okay. Okay.", "This never happened.", "Never happened.", "Never... Happened.", "Narrator: But pretending\nit never happened", "Wouldn't be that easy.", "Ted: So, tell us,", "What was it like?", "What?", "Penetrating that barrier.", "You and I are", "The first ones to hit it.", "Certainly, but the first\nones at this table.", "I... I... I...", "I'm... I'm...", "Although, I'm gonna be\nhitting it pretty soon.", "Ted: Mm-hmm. Yeah, you are.", "Yeah, and when I hit it,\nI'm going to go nuts.", "It's gonna be all night, and\nI think I want a clown there.", "I'm a little bit scared of\nclowns, but for you, I'm there.", "Lily: Yay!", "What are you taking about?!", "The big three-oh.", "My 30th birthday's this Friday.", "Did you forget?", "What kind of friend is this guy?", "Ha-ha, right.", "A great friend, by the way.", "The best.", "Is it my imagination,", "Or are these drinks\ngetting smaller?", "If this were a doctor's office,\nthey'd say, \"try again.\"", "How you doing there, robin?", "I'm good. Ted: Oh, so,\nI made a decision.", "I'm going to go through\nall my old stuff,", "And I'm getting rid of anything\nI have no use for anymore.", "Hmm. Barney, you want my xbox?", "Ted, she has a name!", "And just what are\nyou accusing me of?", "Liking video games?", "I'm gonna get a drink.", "Hmm. I'll come with you.", "Okay.", "God, this is awkward.", "What is?", "Being around ted.", "Why?", "Because of our thing.\nWhat thing?", "You're really gonna pretend\nthis never happened?", "What never happened?", "Hey.", "Hey.", "What are you guys talking about?", "Nothing.", "Guys, cut the act. I know.", "I know about the surprise party\nyou guys are throwing me.", "Marshall let it slip\nearlier today.", "Marshall.", "Hey, I'll totally act surprised\nand everything.", "Just be sure to invite stella.", "Stella!", "You have a serious\ngirlfriend now!", "You're over this one.", "Robin who, right?", "Stella makes this one look", "Like a filthy bag\nof garbage, am I right?", "Happy birthday, bro.", "Hello.", "Hey, marshall, I need your help.", "Yeah, I'm kind of real focused\non the job hunt right now.", "I know. I want to hire you.", "For the last time, barney,\nI will not be your butler.", "I need a lawyer.", "I'll pay you.", "How much?", "A little.", "I'll take it.", "Hey.", "Hey. So, I'm reading this,\nand, I got to say,", "This might be\na little bit over my head.", "For one thing,\nI'm fairly certain", "That if these contracts\naren't executed precisely,", "We will be at war with portugal.", "Forget that.", "That's a Tuesday for me.", "New shredder.", "This baby'll chew up a bicycle\nin 17 seconds.", "From sky mall.\nIt's all from sky mall.", "Whenever I get upset,\nI shop at sky mall.", "Want a hot dog? Of course.", "Why are you upset?", "Marshall, I'm about\nto tell you a secret", "That you can't\ntell anyone... not ted,", "Not robin, not lily.", "No. No, no, no,\nI don't want any more secrets,", "Especially now that I know\nwhat you guys did", "To the drinking water\nin lisbon. I...", "You are hearing\nthis secret, marshall.", "I... I slept...", "Stop... Stop doing that.", "I slept...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa laba-da bay-doh", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa hicka-ba-ta-bo...", "I slept with robin.", "You slept with robin?", "Hmm.", "Are you mad at me?", "I don't know.", "How's the hot dog?", "It's helping.", "You slept with robin?!", "I... I cannot keep that secret.", "I mean, you know", "I at least have to tell lily.", "You can't.\nYou can't tell anyone.", "Attorney-client privilege.", "Why are you doing this to me?!", "Because I need you,\nmarshall, as my lawyer,", "To prove\nthat I didn't do anything wrong.", "How can I help you\nas your lawyer?", "You didn't break any laws,\ndid you?", "Robin knows you slept with her,\ndoesn't she?", "I didn't break any state\nor federal laws,", "But I think I broke a much,\nmuch higher law.", "The bro code.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Narrator: For many years,", "We had heard barney\nquote the bro code,", "A list of do's\nand don'ts for all bros.", "Some were basic.", "Bro code article one:\n\"bros before hoes.\"", "Some were unbelievably\ncomplicated.", "Bro code article 89:", "\"the mom of a bro\nis always off limits,", "\"but the stepmom of a bro is\nfair game if she initiates it,", "\"and/or is wearing\nat least one article", "Of leopard print clothing.\"", "And some were\njust plain disturbing.", "Bro code article 34:", "\"bros cannot make eye contact\nduring a devil's three-way.\"", "Two dudes.", "This is not a legal document.", "This is just something\nyou wrote.", "You think I wrote that?", "Oh, marshall,", "Don't you know\nthe glorious history", "Of the bro code?", "The year was 1776.", "The place: Philadelphia.", "Benjamin franklin and george\nwashington were having a drink.", "But, bro, seriously,", "I calleth dibs on that wench.", "You codpiece blocked me.", "So what if I did?", "There's no rule against it.", "Well, there should be.", "There should be a set of rules\nthat govern", "The way bros comport themselves\namong other bros.", "But who shall write\nsuch a document?", "I have to go to me, d.C.,\nand pose for the dollar bill.", "And I have to do some\nkite-flying or something.", "I shall write this set of rules.", "And I shall inscribe it\non the back of the constitution.", "To save paper.", "It's resolved!", "Barnabas stinson shall write...", "The bro code.", "And I shall include a provision", "That stateth no eye contact\nin a devil's three-way.", "Seconded. Seconded.", "Listen, what do you want me for?\nI've just been", "Losing my mind lately, and do\nyou know why I feel so bad?", "Yeah, because you slept\nwith robin.", "No, that was awesome.", "I feel bad", "Because the bro code\nclearly states", "\"no sex with your bro's ex.\"", "But if you,", "My lawyer,\ncan find a loophole somewhere,", "Then that bad feeling\nwill go bye-bye.", "And you would pay me for that?", "No, I'll just be the one\nshredding your paperwork.", "Technically, you'll be paid\nby a toy factory in pyongyang.", "Barney, I'm no shrink, okay,\nbut don't you see that this is", "Just a desperate way for you", "To avoid an unpleasant\nconfrontation with ted?", "Hey, if I wanted\na psychological evaluation,", "I'd hire the guy we pay", "To hypnotize us\nbefore depositions.", "Now, get cracking!", "While marshall examined\nthe bro code,", "Lily's kindergarten class\nwelcomed a special guest.", "And with a little luck,\nin a few days,", "Farmer frank's cold\nwill be all gone.", "And that's why farmer frank's\nbreath smells like medicine.", "Right, farmer frank?", "You got it, toots.", "Any last questions\nfor farmer frank? Yes.", "Will we ever get\nto see missy the goat again?", "Oh! Ah, isn't that sweet!", "Well, you know, honey,", "Right after this,", "I'm gonna drop old missy off\nat the butcher shop.", "And they're going to take", "A great big knife...", "And frank went on to traumatize\nlily's entire class", "With a graphic explanation\nof where meat comes from.", "So not one little scrap\nof missy goes to waste.", "Ms. Aldrin,\nplease don't let them eat missy.", "I know, I know.", "I already called\nan animal rescue,", "And they're going\nto come get her on Monday.", "Monday?! Where's she going\nto sleep and eat", "And go to the bathroom?!", "Okay, where's\nshe going to sleep and eat?", "I-I guess\nI'll keep her up on the roof.", "Look, call me crazy. I just...", "I don't think having a goat\nin the apartment is a good idea.", "And, boy, was I right,\nbecause what missy the goat", "Would go on to do\nin that bathroom was so...", "no, you know what?", "I'm getting ahead of myself.", "We'll get there.", "Hey, ted.", "Hey.", "You ready to, um...", "Where'd the goat turd come from?", "How'd you know\nthat was a goat turd?", "Well, it was either that,", "Or a musk ox turd,\nand I figured,", "What the hell would a musk ox\nbe doing in here?", "Hey. Guess what\nyour wife brought home?", "Attorney-client privilege.\nI can't talk about it.", "Talk about what?", "Nothing.", "How was your day?", "Uh, ooh, goat turd on the floor,\nI see. Is that new?", "How does everyone know\nthat's a goat turd?", "Barney told you. I don't know", "What you're talking about, madam.\nMarshall,", "You can't look me in the eye;\nyou're blushing,", "Coughing;\nand your hands are shaking.", "Hey, robin, come here.", "Ted is never finding out\nabout this, you understand?", "Because it never happened,\nnone of us are saying anything.", "And don't even think\nabout opening that can", "Until I'm out\nof the splash zone.", "Oh, fantastic, you're here.", "Give me the good news.", "I'm sorry.", "You did too good a job\nwriting this thing.", "It's-it's ironclad.", "No!", "Bad lawyer!", "I need a loophole!", "I want to feel better, marshall!", "I can't keep buying things!", "I have six", "Self-cleaning litterboxes", "And I don't even have a kid.", "Wait. How about this?", "Ted's probably", "Broken this thing himself,\nright?", "And if he's broken the bro code,", "Then I'm off the hook.", "I thought about that.", "And I gotta say,", "Ted has upheld this thing\ntime and time again.", "For example, article 87:", "\"a bro shall\nat all times say yes.\"", "So he saved you", "From an avalanche?", "And he carried you six miles\nto safety on his broken leg?", "Yes.", "And you're a pre-op transsexual\nnightclub singer", "Who used to be a member\nof the russian mob?", "Da.", "Article 29:", "\"a bro will, in a timely manner,\nalert his bro", "To the existence\nof a girl fight.\"", "Dude, two girls are fighting\nat maclaren's.", "What?!", "Yeah, yeah.", "It was crazy.\nThis one girl was like...", "Oh, hey.", "Hey.", "Article 53:", "\"a bro will, whenever possible,", "Provide his bro\nwith protection.\"", "That feels nice.", "Good.", "I just wish we had some wine.", "Yeah.", "I wish we had some wine, too.", "Damn it, marshall.", "I'm not paying you to tell me\nwhat a saint ted is!", "You're my lawyer!", "The answer is in there! Find it!", "Okay, this isn't about\nthe bro code, and you know it.", "The reason that you're upset is\nbecause what you did was wrong.", "And the only way\nyou're ever gonna feel", "Any better about it is\nif you tell ted what you did.", "What if he never wants\nto talk to me again?", "Well, I guess\nthat's just a chance", "You're gonna have to take.", "Which brings us\nto April 25, 2008.", "My 30th birthday,", "Or as it would come to be\nreferred to in later years:", "The day of the goat.", "Hey, where are you?", "I'm in the limo,\nright outside of ted's office.", "Great. Well, everyone's here.", "Stella just arrived", "And there is something here\nso awesome,", "I'm not going to tell you what\nit is, but you won't believe...", "Goat in a party hat?", "Damn it!", "Well, you still gotta see it.", "It's so much fun having a goat\nat a party!", "In a few short hours,", "Lily would come\nto regret those words.", "But we'll get there.", "Uh, gotta go. Here he comes.", "Okay. Bye.", "Hey. Hey.", "Whoa, you guys went all out.", "Okay, everyone, ted's in the\nlimo, five-minute warning!", "Everyone get ready!", "Oh, missy, are you excited?", "Yes, you are!", "Whoa, we're leaving the city.", "Where the hell is this party?", "Vegas.", "Vegas? I thought the party\nwas on the rooftop.", "Surprise!", "Just a decoy, my friend.", "So there's no roof party?", "Oh, no. There is.\nWe're just not going.", "This is how good a friend I am.", "They want you to spend your 30th\nstanding around", "Drinking flat beer ten feet\nabove your living room.", "But not me, bro.", "I pulled out all the stops.", "Private jet, valderrama suite\nat the bellagio.", "Steaks at boa,", "Scotch at ghostbar,\nthen two ringside seats", "To watch floyd mayweather\ngo ten rounds with,", "Wait for it...", "A grizzly bear!", "Take me home, barney.", "No!", "We have to go to vegas.", "Look, ted, I didn't want\nto say this, but...", "There's something\nthat I have to tell you,", "And I wanted you to be", "In the best possible frame\nof mind before you heard it.", "You slept with robin.", "Ranjit!", "You slept with robin?", "Barney!", "That is ted's ex-girlfriend!", "When did you find out?", "Hey, robin. Come here!", "What's up?", "I was, uh, just going through\nsome old stuff and I...", "marshall: Oh, crap!", "Anyway, uh,", "I came across this.", "Oh, wow.", "From our vacation in vermont.\nYeah.", "I don't know if you'd even want\nit, but if you do, it's yours.", "I slept with barney!", "What?", "It was just one time,", "It-it was the night\nthat simon dumped me", "And I was in a really\nvulnerable place", "And I... I wanted to just\npretend like it never happened,", "But I couldn't, and...", "I can't.", "I just, I had to tell you.", "And...", "I just hope that we can\nstill be friends.", "Of course we can\nstill be friends.", "So you're not mad?", "Well, I'm...", "It's a little weird, but, um,", "No, I'm not mad.", "Wow.", "So you're not mad?", "No, I'm not mad.", "I mean, robin and I broke up\na year ago.", "We've... We've both dated lots\nof people since then.", "I'm with stella now.", "Seriously, I...\nI'm fine with this.", "I'm so relieved\nto hear you say that.", "Yeah. Yeah.", "Oh, hey, I just remembered, um,", "My mom is coming\ninto town next month.", "Maybe you'd like\nto nail her, too!", ": Where are they?!\nI'm getting a cramp.", ": Marshall,\ncan we keep the goat?", "No.", "But she's so cute and\nfurry and soft. Yeah,", "And she also sheds,\neats out of the garbage", "And can't control her bowels.", "Why don't we just call\nduluth mental hospital", "And say my uncle linus\ncan live with us?", "Yeah, lily, that may seem\nlike a good idea", "After a couple of drinks\nbut tomorrow morning", "You're going to want this thing\nout of your house.", "Oh, you should talk.\nYou slept with barney.", "Marshall!", "I'm sorry!", "I couldn't take it anymore.", "I can't believe", "You did that.", "That's so gross.", "Was it amazing?", "What? I...", "Lily, I really don't want\nto talk about this.", "I know, but it's barney.", "It's just hard\nnot to be curious.", "Did he have like devices and stuff?\nLily, come on.", "Hot wax? Stop it.", "Did he tie you to anything?\nThat's enough.", "What's wrong with you?", "I'm sorry.", "Is he all smooth down there?", "Three billion women\non the planet!", "Three billion!\nAnd you have to sleep", "With the one that I dated\nfor a year! Are you kidding me?", "Are you kidding me?!", "Robin?!", "You think I'm proud of this?!", "I'm horrified\nthat this happened.", "How did it happen? Huh?", "Barney, I want to know.", "Tell me exactly how it happened.", "You mean...", "What position?", "Okay.", "Stop it! Stop it!", "Stop it.", "Hit him! Hit him, ted! Stop!", "Hit him! Stop!", "Hit him! Okay.", "Okay. Okay.", "You're pissed.", "You deserve to be.", "Fine. You know what?", "One free shot. On me.", "Anywhere but the face.", "Who punches someone\nin the groin?", "Okay. Okay.", "I deserved that.", "I deserved that.", "But what's important now is...", "We're passed this whole\nrobin thing now, right?", "You think that this is just\nabout robin?", "This is about...", "You know, I've seen you\ndo some bad stuff.", "I mean some really\nterrible stuff", "To a lot of different people.", "I just always thought\nthere had to be a limit.", "I always thought\nI was the limit.", "You're always spouting off\nthese rules for bros.", "Isn't one of them,\n\"don't do this\"?", "Yeah. And I broke it.", "I'm sorry.", "But, ted...", "Seriously, this suite\nat the bellagio...", "I am not going to vegas\nwith you.", "I'm not going to blow\noff my friends", "And my girlfriend,", "And spend my 30th birthday\nin a strip club.", "The fact that you think\nI would...", "You know, barney,\nearlier this week", "I started putting\nthings in a box", "And that box was labeled", "\"stuff I have no\nuse for anymore.\"", "What does that mean?", "It means...", "Maybe you belong in that box.", "Are you saying you don't want\nto be bros anymore?", "I'm saying I don't want\nto be friends anymore.", "Okay, I'm going to stop you\nright there,", "Because it seems like you're\nabout to say something", "That's going to pretty much\nruin vegas.", "Ranjit, stop the car.", "I'm getting a cab.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "All: Surprise!", "Narrator: Oh, right, the goat.", "So funny.\nYou're going to love this.", "So later that night, the goat\nlocked himself in the bathroom", "And was eating one\nof robin's washcloths and...", "Robin wasn't living here\non my 30th birthday.", "When did this happen?", "Oh, wait, the goat was there\non my 31st birthday.", "Sorry, I totally got that wrong."], "How I Met Your Mother S03E18 Rebound Bro": ["Narrator:\nNow, kids, the spring of 2008", "Was a complicated time\nin your old man's life.", "The last time I had seen barney\nwas shortly after I found out", "He had spent the night\nwith robin.", "Are you saying you don't want\nto be bros anymore?", "I'm saying I don't want\nto be friends anymore.", "It's barney.", "Dude, seriously, you\nneed to stop calling me.", "Ted, I'm sorry I haven't\nreturned your calls.", "Yeah, I never called you.", "You called me 15 times\nand my parents twice.", "I'm sorry. I gotta let you go.", "There's just too many\ngood wingmen out there.", "Ted, are you crying?", "No, I'm not.", "Shh, let it out. Let it out.", "Shh, let it out.\nGood-bye, barney.", "So, are you two back together?", "No.", "I miss barney.", "I haven't high-fived anyone\nin, like, a week.", "I think I might be starting\nto lose my fist bump callus.", "Let me ask you something, ted.", "Why are you so much madder\nat barney than me?", "Yeah, she had just\nas much sex with barney", "As barney had with her.", "You know what?\nI'm not sure that's true.", "And I think\nI'd actually prefer it", "If you were mad at me;\nthis is too weird.", "I'm not mad at anybody.", "I-I've forgiven you,", "And I've outgrown\nbarney as a friend.", "It's that simple.", "I'll tell you why he's not mad.", "It's 'cause he's so\nhappy with stella.", "Narrator: She was right.", "Stella and I had been dating\nfor two months,", "And things were going\nreally well.", "She had met my friends\nand passed with flying colors.", "There was just\none little problem.", "You guys haven't had sex yet?!", "When marshall and I\nwere two months in,", "We were doing it 24/7.", "I know, I was in the top bunk.", "I also sat next to you guys\nat football games.", "So what are you guys\nwaiting for?", "I think she wants to make sure\nwe're serious first.", "That's why she hasn't introduced\nme to her daughter, either.", "She wants to take things slow.", "Wait, so you haven't had sex\nsince, like, thanksgiving.", "Do you know how many\nbig federal holidays", "Have come and gone since then?", "Ooh, baby, do you remember\nmartin luther king day?", "Yeah, I do.", "We honored that dude big time.", "Look, I'm crazy about this girl,", "And if waiting is what it takes,\nthen I am fine with that.", "On a totally unrelated note,\ndoes anybody have any gum", "Or ice or a piece of bark\nthey're not chewing?", "Hey, barney, new\nskymall came in.", "So, uh...", "Word around the blogosphere", "Is that you're looking\nfor a new wingman.", "I want to let you know\nI am available.", "Just say the word,\nor don't even say the word.", "Just do something\nwith your eyebrow.", "Was that it?", "No offense, randy,\nbut there's a long list", "Of candidates for this slot.", "This slot\nis vice president of awesome,", "And you're, like, assistant\nundersecretary of only okay.", "\"Assistant undersecretary\nof only okay.\"", "Thank you. I won't let you down.", "Narrator: So uncle barney began\nthe search for a new wingman.", "Pete! Barney stinson.", "Hey, I've been meaning\nto call you. It's been a while.", "Yeah, yeah, so listen.", "You should meet me\nat maclaren's tonight.", "You're never gonna believe this:\nI'm at the hospital.", "Just had a baby daughter.", "So what do you think,\n9:30, 10:00?", "Stapleton! Barney stinson.", "What up, chief?", "Need a new bro. What do you say?", "Dude, I'd love to, but right now\nI'm bros with doug stein.", "Oh, I understand.", "Doug stein's a good bro.", "I'm happy for you. Best of luck.", "Crazy willie! Barney stinson.", "What up, b-dog?\nLong time, no bro.", "So we gonna tear it up\ntonight or what?", "Yes, finally!", "Here's what's\non the rock-it docket.", "My wife and I\nput the cheese out at 7:00,", "Cranium at 8:00,\n9:00 p.M. We watch 27 dresses.", "Everybody's home by 11:00.\nBoo-yah!", "Hello?", "Hanging up on you once\nwasn't enough.", "So I lanced this thing\non this guy's back,", "And I'll be honest with you,\nI didn't even know what it was,", "And then it exploded\nlike a volcano.", "Pus everywhere.", "Let's have sex.", "Right now. I'll lock the door.", "Oh, there's no lock\non that door.", "We can do it against the door.\nIt'll be hot!", "It'll be like a three-way:\nYou, me, and the door.", "Yeah, but then\nit's just gonna be weird", "Between me\nand the door tomorrow.", "I'm sorry.", "We're waiting. It's cool.", "You've been so patient, ted.", "The truth is...", "I'm kind of nervous.", "I have a confession to make.", "I was afraid of this.", "You're 14.", "No, um...", "It's kind of embarrassing,\nbut it's been a while", "Since I was intimate\nwith anyone.", "Wow, it's funny\nthat you say that.", "Me, too.", "Really?", "How long's it been for you?", "It's been a while.", "Tell me.", "Me, too!", "It's been five months\nfor you, too?", "Five years?! Five years?!\nFive years?!", "Wow.", "Stella hasn't had\nsex since 2003.", "Let's put this in context.", "The last time stella had sex,\nthe movie, seabiscuit,", "Had just galloped into\ntheaters... And our hearts.", "Five years?", "God, if I even went one year,", "I would be out on the street\nselling it for a nickel.", "The last time stella had sex,", "The world was just\nlearning about sars.", "Well, ted, what else\ndid she say?", "Did she give you\nany kind of explanation?", "Look, after lucy was born,\nI dated a little,", "But it was hard to find a guy\nI could trust enough.", "Sooner or later,\nevery one of them", "Gave me a reason not to.", "But nobody in five years?", "Look, ted, guys regret the girls\nthey didn't sleep with.", "Girls regret the guys\nthey do sleep with.", "And for the past five years,", "I've had no regrets.", "Ted, you're staring at my boobs.", "In my defense,\nthey were staring at me.", "So what does this mean for you?", "Is she ever gonna want\nto get intimate?", "Actually...", "But the truth is, I really do", "Want to do this with you.", "I don't think\nI'd regret it at all.", "Your pillow talk's\na little rusty.", "You know what I mean, ted.\nI'm ready.", "That's great.", "Like, \"right now\" ready?", "So her sister's driving up\nto baby-sit lucy,", "And we're getting a hotel room\nin the city Saturday night.", "The last time stella had sex,", "The da vinci code\nhad just come out.", "Well, that doesn't seem\nlike that long ago.", "Not the movie, the book.", "Wow.", "It's a lot of pressure,\nisn't it?", "You know what? It's not.", "This woman needs it bad.", "Anything you do\nis going to be fireworks.", "I remember my longest drought...", "It was that summer I lived\nin san francisco.", "I hadn't had been with marshall\nin two months and 19 days.", "Oh, san francisco.", "I don't know, lily,\nafter five years,", "Her expectations\nhave gotta be pretty high.", "Notable deaths in 2003...", "Oh, my god... Nell carter.", "Did you guys know\nthat nell carter had died?", "I'm really gonna have to bring\nmy a-game to satisfy this woman.", "Yeah, it'll be pretty hard\nnow that she's dead.", "Not nell carter... Stella.", "Marshall: Dude, relax.", "It's all about\nexpectations management.", "Do you know why I hated\njerry maguire so much?", "Because you're dead inside?", "No, because you built it\nup for, like, two weeks,", "Saying it was the\ngreatest movie ever.", "With stella, do the opposite:\nLower expectations.", "Right, right, and then\nno matter what happens,", "She'll be happy.", "Hey, buddy.", "I'm married, barney.\nI cannot be your new wingman.", "No.", "Hey, randy.", "Could you come in here\nfor a minute?", "Good news.", "I'm calling you up\nto the majors.", "Starting tomorrow night,", "How would you like\nto be my new wingman?", "Uh...", "Just need to check my calendar.\nBe right back.", "Tomorrow works.", "I have a surprise appetizer\nfor us today.", "Check it out.", "Potato skins.", "Fancy.", "Yeah, right?", "God, it's been forever\nsince I had potato skins.", "I remember them as being", "Pretty much the most\ndelicious things ever.", "Huh.", "That's surprising.", "What?", "This potato skin.", "It's good,\nbut not nearly as good", "As I'd built it up to be\nin my head.", "Even though this potato skin\nperformed admirably,", "And is a totally\nrespectable size...", "I couldn't enjoy it", "Because of my own\nunrealistic expectations.", "Hmm, ted, I see\nwhat you're doing.", "Huh? You're trying to lower", "My expectations for tonight.", "Is this a length thing? No.", "Quick on the draw? No.", "Unexpected number of testicles?\nNo!", "It's just that this\nis a big deal for you.", "I mean, it's like\nyour virginity: The sequel.", "Virginity 2: Electric boogaloo?", "Exactly, and I don't want\nto mess it up.", "I don't want you to ever wonder\nif I was worth it.", "Ted, of course\nit's gonna be worth it.", "Stop worrying.", "It's you and me.", "It already has everything\nit needs.", "\"Unexpected number\nof testicles?\"", "It happens.\nI knew a guy in med school...", "We used to joke that he was one\nball away from getting walked.", "Hey.", "What up, bro-seph lieberman?", "No, uh-uh.", "Randy, we never use\nthe word \"bro\" in the name", "Of a failed democratic\nvice presidential candidate.", "Good-bye,\n\"geraldine ferrar-bro.\"", "You know what?", "I'm excited about this, randy.", "You will be my next masterpiece.", "It's like with ted.", "When I first met him,", "He was an even bigger loser\nthan you.", "What a loser.", "But tonight,\nI am going to make you", "The greatest wingman\nin the history of wingmen.", "Oh, well, it's gonna be easier\nthan you think, bro.", "Yeah, I've been reading\nyour blog for years.", "You are like a god to me.", "That's why tonight is\ngoing to be legendary...", "Wait for it...", "Dary.", "Oh.", "Okay, randy, let's do this.", "Okay.", "You ready?", "Yes.", "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!", "What? What's the matter?", "Nothing.", "Let's do this.", "No, no, no, no, no,\nplease, please, please.", "Just wait. Just wait.\nJust wait. Just wait!", "Randy, what are you doing?", "Dripping with game,\nthat's what I'm doing.", "Okay, let's go. No. Let's...", "Yes. No!", "Randy, listen to me:\nYou can do this, okay?", "Oh, I don't know.\nAre those girls really that hot?", "Yeah, they're hot.\nLet's do this.", "Okay!", "Hey, ladies.", "Have you met...", "Hey. Hey!", "So, here's the plan.", "Take a horse-drawn carriage\nthrough the park,", "And it just so happens", "The philharmonic is playing\nan open-air... Ted...", "Five years.", "Straight to the hotel?\nStraight to the hotel.", "I'll get my bag.", "Hey, guys.", "Hey. Hey.", "So, uh, looking forward\nto tonight?", "Yeah. Definitely.", "It's been such a long time\nsince I've had a night out.", "Yeah, we heard.", "I would explode\nif it had been that long", "Since I had a \"night out.\"", "This one wakes me up", "At 4:00 a.M. Sometimes", "Just to have a little\n\"night out.\"", "Um, what are you guys\ntalking about?", "Nothing.", "Pizza.", "What are you talking about?", "Hey, guys.", "Ted, you told them, didn't you?", "Told them what?", "You told them", "That I haven't had\nsex in five years.", "You haven't had sex\nin five years?!", "That is a shocking revelation", "That we're just finding out\nabout right now.", "Stella, I'm sorry.", "I shouldn't have told them.", "But they're my best friends.\nI tell them everything.", "I-I didn't even think about it.", "Ted, that was so personal.", "Plus, now your friends\nthink I'm a freak.", "No, they don't.", "Look, I realize\nit's weird, okay?", "Not many people go five years\nwithout having sex.", "13 years?!", "I peaked really young.", "That's why it was difficult\nfor me to tell you.", "But I did tell you because I\nthought that I could trust you.", "You c trust me.", "Obviously, I can't.", "You know, there's always a\nreason not to sleep with a guy,", "And you just gave me yours.", "Wait, did I give you a reason,", "Or were you looking for one?", "Why would I be looking for one?", "Because things are getting\nserious between us,", "And that scares you.", "Good night, ted.", "Okay, randy, now,", "Tell me, without looking\nat your hand,", "What are the three\nbeginner techniques", "For picking up a woman at a bar?", "Isolate her from her friends;", "Repeat her name in conversation;", "Subtly put her down.", "Excellent.", "Now... Let's put those to use.", "I'm right behind you.", "Hi, I'm randy.", "What's your name?", "Haley.", "Haley.", "Haley, that's a pretty name,\nhaley.", "Haley...", "Come here, haley.", "Um... Okay.", "Haley, you are\na fat, ugly whore.", "I'm sorry, barney.", "Eh, so you got a drink\nthrown in your face.", "Happens to me all the time.", "Pretty soon you'll be\nable to anticipate it,", "And when you do? Free drink.", "Oh, hey.", "We got two live ones.", "New plan: This time\nfollow my lead.", "Evening, ladies.", "Oh, I like your brooch.", "What is that?", "Oh, it's a koala bear.", "I think they're adorable.", "No way!", "My friend randy here\nis the leading expert", "On koala bears in australia!", "He's in town working\nwith the bronx zoo.", "You are?", "That is so cool!", "What is your favorite thing\nabout koala bears?", "Their...", "Meat is delicious.", "I'm sorry, barney.", "Ah, it's okay.", "New plan:", "We need to get you comfortable", "Just saying words to women.", "Now, there's no reason\nto be nervous,", "Because my friend, robin,\nhas agreed to help out.", "Because you threatened to put a\nvideo of us on the internet,", "Which I'm still not\nconvinced you have.", "Right, which is why\nyou came all the way", "From brooklyn at midnight.", "Now, randy,", "Let's keep it simple.", "Just start by introducing\nyourself.", "Hi.", "My name is randy.", "Hi, randy.", "How are you?", "I'm good. How are you?", "Good, thank you. Great.", "You're doing really,\nreally well.", "Now ask her\nwhat she's doing later.", "What are you doing later?", "Yeah, your nose is bleeding\nlike a faucet.", "Oh, god.", "This happens every time\nI get an erection.", "I am so sorry.", "Okay.", "Okay, new plan.", "We wrap his face in gauze\nso he can't bleed or talk.", "You are the woman...", "Barney, why are you so desperate\nto have this happen?", "I'm a wingman.", "That's what wingmen do.", "Is it possible", "That you're trying to fill\nthe void of losing ted", "By rushing into a new wingman\nrelationship?", "What are you saying?", "I'm saying that randy\nis your rebound bro.", "No.", "That's crazy.", "What randy and I have is real.", "No, it's not, barney.", "And even if you got randy laid\ntonight,", "Would it feel\nanywhere near as meaningful", "As when you got ted laid?", "He was just so happy\nthe next morning, you know?", "I know.", "All right.", "It hasn't clotted,", "But I think it's pretty much\ndraining backwards now.", "Randy...", "I've been thinking,", "This isn't working out.", "Yeah, I figured.", "I knew I couldn't fly\nthis close to the sun", "Without getting burned.", "This is the story of my life.", "I always let people down.", "You, my dad, the chief.", "The chief?", "Yeah, I was a cop\nfor, like, three months.", "But I got kicked off the force", "Because I screwed up so much,\nI was an insurance liability.", "You were a new york\ncity police officer,", "And you didn't tell me?", "Wow!", "Did you ever shoot anybody?", "Only all the time.", "But not himself.", "And not in the foot.", "Actually... Ah,\nbah, bah, bah, bah.", "But nothing.", "I don't think there's anything\nhotter than a cop.", "Are you okay?", "Your nose is bleeding.", "Uh, old injury.", "The bullet's still\nlodged in his sinus.", "Oh, my god!", "You know what?", "I live right around the corner.", "Can I take you to my place", "And fix you up?", "That would be very nice.", "Yes.", "Have a great time, you two.", ": Oh, my god, thank you.\nI can't thank you enough.", "I am the greatest wingman\nof all time.", "Ted doesn't know\nwhat he's missing.", ": You had\nto mention ted, didn't you?", "Okay, I really overreacted\nlast night.", "I'm sorry.", "Maybe I have some trust issues,", "But believe me,\nI have earned them.", "You said that I was\nlooking for a reason", "For this whole thing\nto fall apart.", "Well, you're onto me, ted.", "That's actually something\nthat I do a lot.", "But I'm not going\nto do that with you.", "Ted... I'm in.", "This is awkward.", "I have a girl here.", "So...", "Come on.", "There is something that\nI'm ready to do with you.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa ...Who's that looking\nin the mirror? \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Gonna take your time...", "Ted, this is lucy.", "Hi, lucy. Lucy, this is ted.", "Narrator: Stella and I\nthought our relationship", "Was going to take a big step\nthat weekend.", "Turned out, it took\nan even bigger one.", "She's sound asleep. Oh.", "She is so great.", "I think so.", "So, uh, I was thinking,", "My sister is in town\nuntil tomorrow.", "And, uh, there's a motel\njust down the turnpike.", "Hmm.", "Wow, that was amazing! Oh, yeah.", "What are you doing?", "I gotta call marshall and lily.\nTell them about this.", "Ow!"], "How I Met Your Mother S03E19 Everything Must Go": ["Narrator:\nKids, in the spring of 2008,", "Something kinda strange\nhad been happening", "To your uncle barney.", "He'd be doing great\nwith a woman...", "So I throw the pressurized\noxygen tank in his mouth,", "I shoot the tank, boom!", "No more shark.", "Mr. Holland and I swim\nback to shore.", "Let me freshen your drink.", "He'd only be gone a few moments,", "But when he returned...", "So where were we?", "He'd get slapped.", "It kept happening.", "Jerk!", "Until finally,\nlily was approached", "By a mysterious woman", "Who warned her\nto stay away from barney.", "So when it happened once more...", "Again?!", "Really?! Wait...", "Barney knew who to look for.", "Hey, hey.", "Hey, excuse me.", "Did I sleep with you and\nthen totally screw you over?", "No.", "What are you doing on Friday?", "Hey!", "Uh... No.", "Stop!", "Amy?", "Abby.", "Right.", "Narrator: Kids, sometimes\nyou can do something right", "A thousand times in a row...", "A rainbow!", "That's beautiful!", "What a beautiful", "Rainbow!", "Another rainbow?", "It's beautiful!", "But then, that\nthousand-and-first time...", "You're kidding me.", "Seriously, aren't you\nsick of these things?", "Uh-oh.", "Hey, how was your day?", "Today, I yelled at a little girl\nfor painting a rainbow.", "A rainbow?", "Sounds like that bitch\nhad it coming.", "Hey.", "So, uh, I just met\nwith the contractor.", "And it turns out,", "That fixing the floors\nof the new apartment", "Is going to cost a lot more\nthan the estimate.", "But we can barely afford that\nto begin with.", "I hate to say this,", "But I think you're going to have\nto sell your stuff.", "Whoa! Marshall,", "That's just a game we play\nin the bedroom.", "I mean your clothes.", "All those designer pieces\nand everything.", "What?", "Why just my clothes?", "We can sell my stuff, too,", "But I got to tell you,", "I think your marc jacobs\ncocktail dress", "Is going to go for a lot more", "Than my \"split happens\"\nbowling shirt.", "Dude.: I'm not selling that.", "I've already made the website.", "You made a website?", "Yeah, it's called", "\"lily-and-marshall-sell-\ntheir-stuff-dot-com.\"", "No, you know what would be\na better name for the site?", "Guy-forces-his-wife-\nto-dress-in-a-garbage-bag-", "For-the-next-\nthree-years-dot-com.", "Whoa.", "That's real.", "My word.", "That woman is actually wearing\na-a garbage bag.", "Hmm, but, girlfriend,", "You cannot pull off\na tall kitchen.", "Why are you trying\nto ruin my life?", "Well, you slept with me and\nthen you never called me again.", "And?", "That's it.", "That's it?", "As far as I'm concerned,", "If I leave you safe on dry land", "With adequate\ntransportation home,", "You've got nothing\nto complain about.", "Well, it hurt, okay?", "And then ted,\nthe love of my life,", "Started dating my boss\ninstead of me.", "Do you know how that feels?", "Oh, boo-hoo, poor little ashley.", "Abby! Abby.", "A few weeks ago,", "Ted dumped me as his wingman.", "You had a crush on him\nfor a couple weeks?", "I was ted's best friend\nfor seven years.", "Ted said marshall\nwas his best friend.", "Seven years!", "Sorry.", "Ted.", "What an idiot.", "With his stupid", "\"meaningful relationship\"\nwith stella.", "Ted.", "Ted.", "I hate ted.", "I hate ted more.", "Are you as turned on as I am?", "Probably not quite as much.", "I'm sorry I yelled out \"ted.\"", "I'm sorry I yelled out \"abby.\"", "I am abby.", "Oh, cool.", "This is insane.", "Has lily even worn\nhalf this stuff?", "Oh, yeah, like there's nothing\nin your closet", "You've never worn?", "As a matter of fact,\nno, there isn't.", "Whatever, red cowboy boots. Hey,", "Those are nice boots.", "I totally pull those off.", "Hey, lil,", "If I were to say", "\"ted could never pull them off.\"", "What would I be talking about?\nHis red cowboy boots.", "I totally pull them off!", "It's a classic western look.", "Oh, okay, uh, today's category:", "Classic westerns\nthat involve red cowboy boots.", "Ooh, ooh! Robin.", "\"The good, the bad,\nand the fabulous.\"", "Ooh!", "\"The magnificent kevin.\"", "\"no country for straight men.\"", "I don't want to sell my clothes!", "Oh, I know, sweetie.", "Come here.", "Yeah.", "Mmm. Is this a hundred\npercent silk?", "Lily,", "Listen, we really\nneed the money.", "I have some leads on a job,\nbut until then,", "I just... I don't know\nwhat else we can do.", "I'll sell my paintings!", "What?", "Yeah, I'll sell my paintings.", "Good oil paintings go\nfor, like, $500.", "Yeah.", "Totally.", "Kids, sometimes you can\ndo something right", "A thousand times in a row...", "I love it.", "It's a masterpiece.", "That's it. We're selling the tv.", "I just want to come home\nand stare at this", "All day. Aw.", "Somebody call the cops!", "My wife stole an awesome\npainting from the museum!", "Aw.", "But then, that\nthousand-and-first time...", "That kind of money only goes\nfor real paintings.", "Uh-oh.", "What does that mean?", "Look, it just, it just means", "That-that we need money\nright now", "And I'm not sure that\nselling your paintings", "Is-is how we're going to get it.", "You don't believe in me.", "What? No, wait, wait!", "Of c...", "Of course I believe in you!", "Marshall, I am proud of my work\nas an artist.", "My paintings are good.", "I bet robin would buy one.", "What now?", "I love your painting,", "I just... I'm trying\nto be realistic.", "Well, how much money do we need", "For the contractor\nto finish the job?", "About 1,500 bucks.", "So, if I sell three of my\npaintings at 500 bucks a pop,", "Then I get to keep\nall my clothes.", "We need money fast.", "Well, give me a week.", "Okay, a-a week.", "Fine. Fine.", "Fine.", "Pulling.", "Them.", "Off.", "Lily's first move in the\ngreat art challenge of 2008", "Was to display one\nof her favorite paintings", "At her friend's gallery.", "The night didn't go so well.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I'm just a painter", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I do my crappy art", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa but I see what's in your eyes\nand I know... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "But then at the last minute...", "I love it.", "Your top. It's gorgeous.", "Is that 100% silk?", "It's not for sale!\nMy clothes are not for sale!", "So the next day,", "Lily took her painting\nto a coffee house", "That displayed local artists.", "We've been sitting\nhere for hours", "And nobody's even glanced\nat my painting.", "Come on.", "Let's start talking it up.", "Wow!", "I really like that painting!", "It's neat!", "The-the colors are neat.", "The-the shapes are neat.", "It's really just...", "Neat.", "What?", "Observe.", "I think there's a dynamic\nquality to the brushwork", "That, combined with the\nfluid composition,", "Creates an almost kandinsky-like\nemotional resonance.", "Yes, and you can still enjoy it", "Even if you're not\na pretentious douche.", "Can you clarify something for me\nabout your critique?", "Are the colors \"neat\" or are\nthey more \"neato burrito?\"", "Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.", "Uh, then again,\nred cowboy boots.", "I pull these off!", "I pull these off!", "You know what I hate\nmost about ted?", "What?", "His stupid hair.", "His stupid, lame awesome hair.", "It's so stupid and awesome.", "You know what I hate most about ted?\nWhat?", "How he's always, like,", "\"oh, I want to fall in love\nand have a relationship.", "I care about the people\nI have sex with.\"", "He's so lame.", "He's so lame and awesome.", "You know what he needs?", "He needs", "To see just how horrible he is", "When he's in a relationship.", "Yeah, and I need to show\nted that I'm over him.", "Are you thinking\nwhat I'm thinking?", "I think so.", "You're thinking of\nhaving sex with ted?", "After four days without\nselling a single painting,", "Lily was getting desperate.", "Painting for sale!", "$500!", "Lifelong dream hanging\nin the balance!", "It's like", "They don't even see us.", "Yeah, we're dirt to them.", "What do you need money for?", "Oh, I'm trying to fix\nthe hardwood floors", "In my new apartment.", "You?", "Heroin.", "Oh.", "Do you like heroin?", "Love it.", "In fact, if you sell that,", "I'm going to take your money\nand go buy some more heroin.", "Thanks for your honesty,\ncrazy sock guy.", "Oh, I'm never gonna sell this...", "It's not very good.", "And just as she was about\nto lose all hope,", "Something amazing happened.", "Oh, my god!", "Ha!", "500 bucks!", "Who's a real painter now,\nmarshall?", "Honey, I never said\nyou weren't a real painter.", "Oh, I know, sweetie.", "And since I'm\na professional artist now,", "I'm going to sketch you\nan aldrin original,", "You know, to say thanks", "For being such\na supportive husband.", "I'm thinking about calling it...", "\"suck it!\"", "Lily, come on.", "I'm proud of you.", "Who-who bought it?", "Well, that's the best part.", "A gay couple without kids.", "A g-cwok!", "You bagged a g-cwok?!", "Yeah, that's right.", "They are the heart and soul\nof the art-buying community.", "You know what you should do?", "You should call up the g-cwoks", "And offer them a free painting", "If they throw a\nprivate art party", "For all their g-cwok friends.", "That's an amazing idea.", "I'm going to go call them.", ": I can probably sell two\nmore paintings with time to spare.", "Oh, wait, marshall.", "There was something\nI had to tell you.", "What was it?", "Oh, that's right.", "Suck it.", "Hey.", "Ted, fancy bumping\ninto you here.", "Have you guys met\nmy girlfriend abby?", "Uh, yeah.", "Hi, abby. Hello,", "Abby. So, uh,", "S-so you guys are dating now?", "That's right.", "I am done with this whole\nbeing awesome thing.", "Now I'm all about\nfarmers' markets", "And day hikes in matching\nkhaki cargo shorts.", "Isn't that right, sweetie?", "That's right.", "Girlfriends are lame.", "Unless they're me.", "I miss you, ted.", "Barney: Abby and I", "Are in love.", "Not hot passionate love.", "Couple love.", "You know, movie night\nwith my girlfriend,", "Then waiting\nfor her to go to bed", "So I can steal one pitiful\nmoment of hollow ecstasy", "By the cold, blue light\nof my computer monitor.", "We're showing ted\nhow lame he is.", "You don't have\nto say it, though.", "Uh, okay, barney, you can stop.", "Stop what, ted?", "Stop being in love?", "Next he'll ask us\nto stop breathing.", "We can't stop breathing, ted.", "Your hair looks amazing.", "Um, barney,\nI, I see what you're doing.", "Please stop.", "Not before I share with you", "What being in a relationship\nleads to, ted.", "Abby,", "Pookie bear...", "I am so pathetically desperate\nfor you that...", "Aw, heck, I'll just say it.", "Will you marry me?", "Wait, really?", "I would never joke\nabout true love.", "Yes, I'll marry you.", "Okay.", "Thank you, thank you.", "I have to call my mom.", "That's you.", "Uh, yeah, I don't think\nabby knows you're kidding.", "Uh, yes, she does.", "It finally happened, mama.", "I just wish daddy were alive\nto walk me down the aisle.", "Totally committed to the bit.", "Yes, lily aldrin.", "I sold you the painting\nearlier today.", "Oh, honey, hello.", "You sound happy.", "Are you kidding? We're popping\nthe champagne right now.", "Well, I just wanted to offer you\nan exclusive chance", "To view some\nof my other paintings.", "Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, oh,\nI guess I should have told you.", "We just bought that\nfor the frame.", "What?", "Yeah, it's an original\nanton kreutzer,", "A very rare frame\nfrom the turn of the century.", "So... Y-you didn't like\nmy painting?", "Oh, honey, oh, sweetie,\nno, not at all.", "But you know,", "Good for you.", "Okay.", "Wow.", "Well, if you didn't want\nthe painting, can I...", "Can I at least get it back?", "Yeah, no,\nwe don't have it anymore.", "Where is it?", "I see.", "H-he threw out my painting.", "Champagne for everyone on me,", "The happiest guy in the world.", "Ginger ale. It's a bit.", "This is great.", "My dream of becoming\nan artist is dead,", "And now I'm watching\nmy wardrobe disappear", "Piece by piece.", "There goes my favorite dress.", "This dress meant a lot to me.", "Really?", "It was spring of 2004 and I had\nbeen having a hard few months.", "Day-am.", "I got a two-syllable \"damn\"\nin this dress.", "A two-syllable \"damn.\"", "That's the dream. Yeah.", "Now she belongs to...", "Canadagirl@metronewsone.Com.", "It's still in the family.", "Lily,", "You're not going\nto believe this.", "Something amazing happened.\nWhat?", "I went\nto the g-cwok's apartment.", "Really? Why?", "Because I felt guilty.", "This auction was my idea", "And now you've had\nto sit around all day", "While a bunch of vultures\nruthlessly pick apart", "The carcass of your wardrobe.", "It's still in the family.", "And more importantly,", "I honestly love that painting", "And I couldn't stand\nto think of it", "In a trashcan someplace.", "Well, what happened?", "Well, hello.", "Hi, um... Lawrence.", "I-I'm here about the painting\nmy wife lily sold you...", "The one in the nice frame.", "Talk about a nice frame.", "My, my, you are a\nbig one, aren't you?", "And you're married to that\nlittle bit of a thing.", "How does that work?", "I'd like to find out.", "Yeah, we get it.", "Gay guys like you.", "No, lily, they love me,", "But that's not\nthe important part.", "Here's the important part.", "Since you're clearly a man", "Of impeccable taste and style,", "I-I came down here to ask you:", "What do you think of the boots?", "Walter.", "Boots.", "Pulling.", "Them.", "Off.", "I'll be in the cab.", "G-cwok-approved.", "The painting.", "Right, so, um,\nthey told me they threw it", "In the building's dumpster.", "It wasn't in there,", "But the super told me\nthat he'd seen one dr. Greer...", "A veterinarian\nwho works in the building...", "Take the painting\nout of the trash.", "Dr. Greer?", "Who's dr. Greer a-and\nwhy did he take my painting?", "You're about to find out.", "Long story short, I had\nto make a trash run.", "Been a busy day...\nLots of neuterings.", "Ooh, we don't need the details.", "Oh, n-n-no,\nit's not what you think.", "Oh, thank god. Yeah, yeah, yeah,\nmostly just dog testicles.", "Anyway...", "I noticed your painting", "Just sitting right there on top", "And I thought,\n\"hey, free painting,\"", "So I brought it upstairs", "And hung it up in exam room 3,", "And then\nthe strangest thing happened.", "Hey, muffin.", "Whoa, I think he remembers me", "From the last time he was here.", "Take muffin to exam room 3.", "I'll meet you there.", "I went in, expecting the worst.", "I'd never seen muffin that calm,", "And then a little later\nthe same thing happened again", "With tidbit...", "And king larry...", "And again\nwith the weinstein triplets.", "Something about your art speaks\nto the canine sensibility", "On a very primal level.", "Really?", "Dogs like my paintings?", "Yeah.", "But you know who it bums out?", "Birds.", "Yeah.", "Had a parrot in there today.", "He took one look at it,\npried open his cage,", "Flew right into the ceiling fan.", "Anyway, because your\nfirst painting worked so well,", "I convinced dr. Greer\nto buy four more.", "Really? Mm-hmm, at $500 apiece.", "That's two grand.", "That's more than we need\nfor the contractor.", "Yeah, but I was actually\nthinking we could reinvest it.", "In what? In you.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Don't give up on your dreams,\nboy \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Narrator: Marshall explained that he\nwas building a fancy new web site", "Specifically to sell lily's\nartwork to veterinarians.", "Well, it's not\nexactly the clientele", "I had in mind, but...", "Thank you for believing in me.", "Man, birds do not get you.", "Hi, sweetie. Hey,", "I think I left my tie here.\nHave you seen it?", "No, I'm in\nwedding-planning mode.", "Stressville. Population: Me.", "Okay, big decision.", "What do you think\nthe cake should be:", "Fudgie the whale or cookie puss?", "Yeah, that was a bit.", "We were doing a bit.", "So I'm thinking labor day.", "I was going to say\nfourth of July,", "But I didn't want to steal any\nattention away from america.", "Abby, I've...\nI've got some bad news.", "I can't marry you. What?", "Ted begged me not to.", "I think he's in love with you.", "Yes, our plan worked\nbetter than we ever dreamed.", "You have to go to him.", "Here's his home address.", "But you know what?\nHe works late,", "So I wouldn't go before 2:00\nor 3:00 in the morning.", "Oh, my god, thank you.", "But now I feel wrong\nkeeping this.", "Oh, yeah,\nI wouldn't worry about that.", "That's made of candy.", "Later."], "How I Met Your Mother S03E20 Miracles": ["Narrator: Kids, this is\nthe story of the cab ride", "That changed my life.", "I know it sounds crazy,\nbut for all I know", "My life would be very different\nif I had taken, say...", "That cab.", "Or that cab.", "God knows\nwhat would have happened", "If I had gotten into that cab.", "I took this cab.", "And it changed my whole life.", "But first, we need\nto back up a little.", "Hey.", "Is there any beer in the fridge?", "It's 10:00 in the morning.", "Grab me one.", "So,", "Something bad just happened.", "Stella and I were out\nhaving breakfast.", "So, my sister broke up\nwith her boyfriend.", "Well, I can finally say it.", "I hated that guy!", "Everything out of his mouth is,", "\"I'm a vegan.", "\"Fish feel pain.", "I'm never constipated.\"", "The guy's an idiot.", "Actually, she's marrying him.", "I just wanted\nyour honest opinion.", "He's actually a really nice guy.", "I think there's a wisdom to...", "Anyway, they picked\na date, so, uh,", "You want to come with me,", "So that we can laugh\nour asses off", "As we watch him walk\nbarefoot down the aisle", "In a hemp tuxedo?", "Yeah, sure. When is it?", "Uh, first weekend in November.", "Is that", "The something bad?", "That she invited you\nto a wedding?", "Six months from now.", "As in we'll be together\nsix months from now.", "Do you guys remember", "Barney's whole thing\nabout making plans", "In a relationship?", "Fourth row.", "Ted, no.", "You're violating\nthe date-time continuum.", "You never make", "Plans with a girl further\nin the future", "Than the amount of time\nyou've been going out.", "You've been dating this girl\nfor, what, two weeks?", "No, you're not taking her to a\nspringsteen concert in January.", "By that time you won't even\nremember this robin girl's name.", "Ugh, man, I love springsteen!", "He's like the american\nbryan adams.", "Well...", "But", "Barney had a point.", "As soon as she started talking\nabout the wedding,", "It freaked me out.", "Oh, that sounds\nlike so much fun.", "Mmm. So I get to\nlook forward to it", "For six months.", "Which is twice as long\nas we've been dating.", "Uh-oh.", "I'm sure\nyour daughter lucy'll come", "So it'll be like a...\nA family trip.", "Our first trip\nas our funny little family.", "So that... That'll\nbe super-exciting.", "Oh, boy.", "Man, they crank up the heat\nin these places.", "What's going on, ted?", "We need to talk.", "Oh. Oh. Oh.", "\"We need to talk\"?", "There's only two situations\nwhere you say that to someone", "And unless you're pregnant,", "It sounds like you\nbroke up with her.", "Yeah, I did.", "So how did she take it?", "Um...", "I'm only trying\nto be honest with you.", "You know, ted.\nI have to go to work.", "Stella, can we just...", "I don't want to leave it\nlike this.", "No, ted, it's okay.", "We're good.", "Ow!", "Look, I know it sounds rough,", "But stella's a mom.", "I have to be responsible.", "If I'm having these", "Feelings now,\nwhat if they don't go away?", "What if they just get worse\nand worse", "And six months from now,\nI break up with her", "Over tofu salmon\nat her sister's wedding?", "I can't do that", "To her.\nAnd I definitely can't do that", "To her daughter.", "It sucks, but I'm being\nthe good guy here.", "This is the right decision.", "Which brings me back\nto the cab ride.", "Hello, may I speak\nwith marshall eriksen?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Hey, guys.", "Jell-o?", "I can't believe this.\nSo you're totally fine.", "No, I'm not fine.", "I made the biggest mistake\nof my life.", "I want stella back.", "I've left her like ten messages,\nbut her phone's off.", "She's at that", "Arcade kiddie funland\nwith her daughter.", "Please.", "Let me go to kiddie funland.", "You can say that\nall you want, buddy,", "But you're not getting\nany morphine.", "No, I'm serious.\nI got to get out of here.", "You're not going anywhere\nuntil we get the tests back.", "You could have\ninternal bleeding.", "Your brain could be all full\nof blood.", "Think that's good for it?", "It ain't.", "This sucks.", "This sucks.", "This sucks. This sucks.\nAre you...", "Are you kidding me?", "You walked away", "From a car accident\nwithout a scratch.", "A miracle took place today.", "Oh, here we go.", "You don't think\nthis was a miracle?", "There's no such thing\nas miracles.", "March 2006, maclaren's bar.", "Oh.", "That's terrible. Gentle.", "That's in! Gentle.", "Ow. Here we go.", "Hey!", "Bravo.", "Cheers...", "Mm-hmm.", "No... Way.", "That did not just happen.", "Am I dead?", "Am I dead?", "Miracle!", "A pencil went up barney's nose,", "And you call it a miracle.", "Well, do you have a better\nexplanation for it?", "A drunk jackass\nwith a box of pencils?", "A drunk jackass called \"god!\"", "And a box of pencils\ncalled \"destiny!\"", "Speaking of barney,\nI should give him a call.", "Why? We're not friends anymore.", "You'd want to know if\nthis happened to him.", "Go for barney.", "Hey, barney.", "Listen, I have something\nto tell you.", "Oh, boy, here we go.", "I've been waiting for this one.", "You talked to robin.", "She told you\nwhat's under the hood", "And you want to take it\nfor a spin yourself.", "Not even if you boiled it\nin detergent.", "It's about ted.", "Ted?", "My former best friend ted", "Who I asked you never\nto mention to me again?", "Yeah.", "He's been in a car accident.", "He's at saint anthony's\nhospital.", "Everything's...", "No, I understand.", "You've got that important thing.", "Okay.", "Oh, of course", "I'll tell him you love him.", "Okay.", "Suit up!", "He is always saying stuff\nlike that!", "He hung up, didn't he? Yeah.", "See, I told you.\nWe're not friends anymore.", "What did he say?", "Ah, a hundred and thir... What?", "You...", "I'm coming, ted.", "So, what made you change\nyour mind about stella?", "Well, I was in the cab,\nand the car was coming at me,", "And you know how they say\nthat your whole life flashes", "Before your eyes\nin a near-death experience?", "It doesn't.", "You don't see everything.", "Just the things you love.", "I realized in that moment", "That stella is the most\nimportant thing in my life", "And-and I have to get her back.", "Aw!", "Miracle!", "Very sweet.", "Very romantic.", "Not a miracle.", "July 1999.", "Kennedy airport.", "So, did you enjoy...", "Amsterdam?", "No.", "Nothing illegal.", "Paintings.", "All right, bob marley.", "Let's have a conversation.", "Shift change.", "Oh, amsterdam.", "All right.", "Float on through, brother.", "Miracle!", "Don't you go into the light!", "Don't you do it!", "Hey, mosby,", "You got a visitor.", "Hey, guys.", "Hey. Hey. Hey.", "Can you guys, uh,\ngive us a minute?", "Stella, before you\nsay anything...", "I love you.", "I love you, too.", "Can we just forget about...", "It's forgotten.", "Is this your chart?", "Okay.", "Uh-huh.", "Everything looks good.", "I think you can handle it.", "Handle what?", "Aww! Aww! Aww!", "This morning", "He dumped her and now", "She's dry-humping him\non a hospital bed.", "Miracle! Yeah,", "You know, I bet\nif you call up the vatican,", "They will tell you that most\nof their certified miracles", "Involve dry-humping, so.", "April 2008.", "Lily's kindergarten classroom.", "You're gonna go in there", "And beg for your old job back?", "That's crazy.", "You hated it there.", "I-I know, the job market is\njust really bad right now.", "Hey, kids,", "Who wants uncle marshall\nto get his old job back?", "They'll cheer", "For anything\nif you say it like that.", "Kids, a super tanker", "Spilled five million\ngallons of oil", "Off the coast of alaska\nthis morning!", "Bob hewitt: Hello, marshall.", "Mr. Hewitt,", "I came here to apologize.", "I'm going to go\ngrab some more glue.", "Will you watch them for a sec?", "Of course.", "Leaving nicholson, hewitt,\nand west was a huge mistake,", "And I can see that now.", "So...", "Who wants to see the big guy", "Put on these tiny hats?", "My behavior was disrespectful.", "It was unprofessional.", "I'm a pilgrim.", "I know it looks like\nI have a tiny hat,", "But in reality, I have\nan abnormally large head!", "I was going through\na stressful time.", "I wasn't getting enough sleep.", "Fourscore and seven years ago,", "I had a great, big giant head!", "I had just bought an apartment,", "And there were some problems.", "I-I don't want to bore you\nwith the details.", "I only regret that I have\nbut one giant head", "To give for my country.", "Sir, if you could just see\nyour way into giving me", "One more chance, I promise...\nMarshall.", "I'm willing to give this\na second chance.", "I remember my", "First years as an attorney.", "Why, I don't know how\nmany hours I spent.", "I don't think I ever left...", "Oh, my god! Lice.", "I have lice.", "Those little bastards\ngave me lice.", "God, it itches.", "Don't scratch it.", "You'll look like a fool.", "You'll never get your job back.", "Okay, you can scratch,\nbut just make it subtle.", "Okay, that's not working.", "Oh, sweet, sharp corner\nof the desk,", "How I long to rub\nmy infested scalp against you.", "I was, um... Just, uh...", "You okay, eriksen?", "Oh! Oh, yes, I'm good.", "I am good.", "Continue.", "Mind over matter.", "There are no lice in my hair...", "Laying eggs,", "Burrowing into my scalp,", "Eating their way all the way\ndown to my brain!", "I have lice!", "\"Lice\"?! Lice! Get out!", "Get out of my office!", "We've got lice!", "Everybody out of the building.", "If it weren't for the lice,", "I would have gotten my job back,", "And I would have been\nworking there when,", "Two weeks later, the securities\nand exchange commission", "Came a-knocking.", "God sent those lice to my head", "Like he sent\nthe locusts to egypt:", "To liberate me\nfrom corporate bondage.", "Miracle.", "Hey, guys.", "Oh, I'm just so glad", "You and ted are back together.\nYeah.", "Wait, um, what do you mean\n\"back together\"?", "Well, you know,\nsince you guys broke up.", "What? Oh, no.", "It was just a small fight.", "That wasn't a breakup.", "Was that a breakup?\nDid he think that was a breakup?", "What?", "Son of a bitch!", "That was a breakup. Wasn't it?", "You broke up with me.", "Yeah.", "I didn't know that\nthat was a breakup.", "Are you kidding?", "I-I said, \"I feel awful.\"", "You said, \"we're good.\"", "Then you got up and left.", "Yeah, I said, \"we're good,\"", "As in \"we're good.\"", "Like when the waiter\ncomes around and asks", "If you want any more muffins,\nand you say, \"we're good.\"", "Exactly, and I took\nthat \"we're good\" to mean", "You didn't want any more", "Metaphorical\nrelationship muffins.", "This is crazy.", "Forget about all that.", "That was a whole\nlife-changing car accident ago.", "I love you.", "I don't want to break up.", "But you did.", "You did want to.", "And if you had\nthose feelings once,", "Then you're going\nto have those feelings again,", "And you're going\nto keep on having them.", "And I can't count\non that car to hit you", "Every time you do.", "What are you saying?", "I'm saying...", "You wanted your breakup,", "You got it.", "What?! Stella, wait!", "No, you know what, ted?", "We're good.", "So you broke up with her\nand she didn't know it?", "Apparently.", "And you actually said,\n\"I want to break up\"?", "No, of course not.", "Who says \"I want to break up\"?", "That's a horrible thing to say.", "Well, that's true.", "Hello?", "Hi, ted mosby? We have you", "Listed as the emergency contact\nfor barney stinson.", "What is it?", "Narrator: What it was was this.", "I made it. I made it!", "Dude, I...", "I can't believe you ran\nall the way up here.", "Jeez. Flatter yourself much?", "What an ego", "On this guy.", "Um, I was up\nin this part of town", "Because I had to attend", "A very important\ninternational business meeting.", "If you're here", "To come crawling back,\njust save it.", "I'm doing awesome without you.", "Even better now,\n'cause I can play", "The sympathy card\nwith the females.", "And btw,", "There's one bone downstairs\nthat ain't broken.", "Marshall,", "You know what I'm talking about.", "Up top!", "Hup!", "Are you sure?", "Yeah, dude. Why do you think\nI had them set it this way?", "Okay.", "Ow!", "Worth it.", "Barney, you, uh...", "You could've died.", "Ted, I'm sorry\nI broke the bro code.", "No, I'm-I'm sorry.", "Ted, can we be friends again?", "Barney, come on, we're...\nWe're more than friends.", "We're brothers.", "You're my brother, ted.\nYou're my", "Brother, barney.", "Did you hear that, marshall?", "We're brothers now.", "Marshall's my brother, too.", "We're all brothers.", "Yeah, but I'm your\nbest brother, right?", "And that's how your uncle barney", "It got pretty mushy\nand embarrassing after that.", "Let's skip ahead.", "I had to look away\nbecause if I watched", "What the paramedics\nwere about to do,", "I would have passed out.", "Then they took out this", "Electric blade thing\nand I kept thinking,", "\"this isn't happening.\nThis isn't happening.\"", "Oh, my god. What did they cut?", "My suit.", "My beautiful suit.", "But you're alive,\nand, and ted's alive.", "This is amazing!", "Two miracles in one day.", "What is the matter with you?", "How can you possibly\nbe this cynical?!", "You want to know? Yeah.", "You really want to know? Yeah!", "Fine.", "When I was a kid,", "I had this dog, sir scratchawan.", "Anyway, sir scratchawan\ngot really old,", "So my parents decided\nto put him down.", "It was the toughest day\nof my young life.", "Good-bye, sir scratchawan.", "I love you.", "And when they took\nhim to the vet,", "He told them that\nearlier that very day,", "He had learned about\nan experimental procedure", "Called a canine/testudine\ncerebro-xenograft.", "Ever heard of it?", "No.", "Well, it saved\nsir scratchawan's life.", "He lived another seven years.", "Miracle. Except for one...", "Kind of big side effect\nfrom the surgery.", "Sir scratchawan!", "Welcome home!", "He turned into a turtle.", "I know. It's weird, right?", "Apparently, a very common\ncomplication", "From canine/testudine\ncerebro-xenografts.", "And he didn't seem to remember\nany of his old tricks.", "Go get it, scratchy.", "Go get it!", "Go get it! Get it!", "Go get it, scratchy.", "Go get it.", "How long was it before...?", "Longer than I'm proud of, lily.", "Longer than I'm proud of.", "And that's when I realized", "Miracles ain't real.", "Excuse me.", "Mosby, you're still here?", "Your tests came back,\nlike, an hour ago. You're fine.", "Are you kidding me?\nWhy didn't you tell me?!", "I'm sorry.", "I guess it was rude of me\nto keep resuscitating that guy", "With a rake sticking out\nof his chest.", "Um, I have to go right now.\nBarney, I...", "Go.", "Run, ted. Run.", "If there's anything I've taught\nyou over the years, it's...", "Barney, he left. Oh.", "Hey, ted said that right\nbefore the accident,", "His life flashed\nbefore his eyes.", "You know,\nall the stuff he loves.", "Did that happen to you?\nOh, yeah.", "I know what he saw: Boobs.\nScotch.", "And money.", "Suits. A suit of money.", "A suit of boobs.", "A giant boob wearing\na suit of money.", "And the boob is\nlactating scotch.", "I guess that's pretty much\neverything you love, right?", "Yeah, pretty much.", "Narrator: Kids, a lot\nof weird, random things", "Have happened in my life,", "But that car accident\nis one of the few", "That I'd call a miracle,\nnot because of what happened,", "But because\nof what happened next.", "Hi.", "Hi.", "Can I talk to you?", "Okay.", "I got you this orange kangaroo.", "Uh... Thanks.", "So I've been thinking\nabout what changed", "From the moment\nI broke up with you", "To the moment I knew\nI wanted you back.", "And, um, I think I finally\nfigured out what happened.", "Your cab got t-boned\nby a jackass on a cell phone?", "No. I changed.", "I'm ready to give you\nwhat you need.", "That's why I spent", "Ten minutes on the\ndamn claw machine", "Trying to get the big,\nfake diamond ring.", "But all I could get was\nthis orange kangaroo.", "Diamond ring?", "Will you marry me?"], "How I Met Your Mother S04E01 Do I Know You": ["Kids, here's something\nI wish my dad had told me.", "The longest pause you will\never experience in your life", "is the one that follows\nasking the question...", "Will you marry me?", "Your brain goes into overdrive,\nimagining every possible response.", "No.", "Oh, God, no.", "You want me to marry... No.", "I'm sorry, Ted. I can't.", "Mark Johnson, the quarterback\nfrom your high-school football team,", "already asked me.", "What's up, Turd?\n- It's Ted!", "But if you're lucky,", "she may answer with the single\ngreatest word in the English language.", "Yes.", "Stella and I spent that summer\nhappily engaged.", "Marshall was still coping\nwith unemployment.", "What are you doing?", "Lily threw herself into her painting.", "What are you doing?", "Barney was rehabilitating\nfrom his bus accident.", "What are you doing?", "And, well, Marshall just kept\ncoping with unemployment.", "What are you doing?", "And Robin continued to uphold", "the high journalistic standards\nof Metro News 1.", "Is your favorite brand of dental floss\npoisoning your entire family?", "Tune in at 11:00 for the shocking tooth.", "Okay, I officially hate my job.", "I'm not a reporter, I'm just someone\nwho shows up at night and scares people.", "I'm the boogeyman with a teleprompter.", "\"Boogeyman with a teleprompter. \"", "That's hilarious!\nGreat joke, Robin, great joke.", "Barney, no offense to Robin,\nbut that wasn't that funny.", "Are you kidding? That was a great joke.", "It's smart, funny, beautiful,\nit's the whole package.", "It's everything\nyou're afraid to let yourself want.", "In a joke.", "\"Boogeyman with a teleprompter. \"\nThat's classic.", "Okay, what is so urgent", "that you called me and begged me\nto come over at 7:22 in the morning?", "I could tell you knew something\nwas up with me, and you're right.", "But I can't tell you what it is.", "I should tell you, but I can't!\nI have to. I never will!", "I'm going to. Let's just drop it.\nWhat's up with you?", "Barney, just say it.", "I think I'm in love with Robin.", "Hey, Lily needs some gift ideas\nfor Stella's wedding shower.", "Does she like to cook?", "Actually, I don't know.\n- What's her favorite color?", "Don't know that, either.\n- Well, does she have any hobbies?", "Yes, she's exactly the kind of person\nwho would have hobbies.", "And interests, too.\nI am one lucky son of a bitch.", "Dude, you don't know anything\nabout the woman you're marrying.", "What? You're crazy! I know plenty.\n- What color are her eyes?", "The color of the ocean after a storm.\n- Which is?", "Beautiful.", "I don't believe it.", "I thought you called me over here\nto uncuff you from your sex swing again,", "but you're in love? That is so sweet!", "It's not sweet. It's like a disease.", "I slept with Robin one time\nand I caught feelings.", "I caught feelings bad.\nI used protection and everything.", "Barney, you don't catch feelings,\nyou just have them. And they're good.", "They're terrible! I can't eat, I can't sleep.", "She's all I think about.\nI close my eyes, I see Robin.", "I... I hear a song, it reminds me of Robin.\n- Morning.", "I sleep with that chick,\nI'm thinking about Robin.", "Okay, so I don't know every single detail\nabout Stella.", "What's this really about?\nDo you not like her or something?", "No, Ted, I like Stella a lot.", "She's a Mets fan.\n- Really?", "It's just that everything with you guys\nhas moved so fast.", "You've only known each other\na few months.", "Don't you think maybe you should\nslow things down a little bit?", "Get to know each other better?", "I'll have a whole lifetime\nto get to know her better.", "Right now, I know the one thing\nthat I have to, that I love her.", "You love her?\nBarney, how can you be in love", "and still be sleeping with\nanything that moves?", "I'm sorry, I don't follow you.", "That's like saying, \"How can an ant\ncarry 20 times its body weight,", "\"but root beer floats are still delicious?\"\nAre the two even related? Really?", "Ow!", "Barney, you're going to have\nto stop screwing around", "if you want to be Robin's boyfriend.", "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Boyfriend?\nI don't want to be Robin's \"boyfriend. \"", "Well, what do you want, then?", "I don't know. I just want to be with her.\nAll the time.", "I want to hear about her day\nand tell her about mine.", "I want to hold her hand and smell her hair.", "But I don't want to be her stupid boyfriend.", "Barney, what you just described", "is a relationship\nbetween a boyfriend and a girlfriend.", "And a pretty clingy one at that.", "Look, Lily, are you going\nto help me out with this or not?", "I'm a kindergarten teacher.", "I see a confused little kid in the corner\ntrying to eat the lefty scissors,", "I gotta help the poor little bastard.\nBut only if you stop sleeping around. Deal?", "Deal.", "Coming up next,", "is your local ice-cream man actually\ndriving a roving meth lab on wheels?", "Stay tuned for the full scoop.", "Really?", "Uh-huh?\n- Mmm.", "I know dudes think it's girlie\nfor a guy to cook, but us ladies?", "We find it mighty sexy.\n- Really?", "You know, my grandma taught me how.", "Oh, yeah, she did.\n- Yeah.", "Yeah, I had a lot of time after school\nto watch her cook,", "because I wasn't good at sports.\n- I'm on fire right now.", "Delicious. What's in this pesto?", "You know, the usual. Basil, garlic, olive oil.\nBut can you guess my secret ingredient?", "Peanuts.\n- Yes. How did you know that?", "Okay, let me think. What else?\n- You know what, sweetie?", "I woke up so early,\nand I had a really long day at work.", "And then there was that whole thing\nwhere you tried to kill me.", "Can we please just go to sleep?", "No, I clearly need to know more about you.", "Let's do firsts. First kiss?\n- Dale Harris, second grade.", "Wait, you're talking like peck on the cheek\nor a full-on passionate making out?", "Passionate making out.\n- Okay, yeah, Dale Harris, second grade.", "First time you had sex.", "Dale Harris, second...\n- Stop it.", "Billy Devito, sophomore year of college.\n- Prude.", "Molly McKenzie, junior year of high school.", "Slut.", "Robin just needs\nto see this new side of you.", "So just call her up?\n- Just call her up.", "It's...", "She wasn't there. I left a voice mail.\n- You left a voice, but it wasn't male.", "Barney, I don't get it. You've called\na million girls a million times.", "Yeah, but those were just booty calls.", "On a booty call,\nyou barely even have to talk.", "Around 9:00 p. m., you say...", "Hey, baby, it's Barney. You busy tonight?", "Sweet. See you in half an hour?\nCan't wait.", "But the later it gets,\nthe fewer words you need.", "Barney. Busy? Sweet.", "And by 3:00 in the morning...", "Sweet.", "A question mark?\nYou got laid off a question mark?", "Ow!", "Hey! It's no worse than\nyour super-obvious code words.", "Rhinoceros.\n- We have to go.", "Great. Now we need a new code word.", "It's her, it's Robin. What do I do?\nNo, no, no, no...", "Robin, great to hear from you.\nTo what do I owe the pleasure?", "You called, went...", "and hung up. What do you want?", "Help me!", "Just ask her something.", "How are you feeling today?\n- Fine.", "Something personal.", "At what age did you first get your period?", "Did you just ask me about my period?\n- No, I did not.", "Look, Barney, I'm at work right now.", "Just ask her out.", "Robin, I was wondering if...", "Nothing. Gotta go. Bye.", "Ha, ha, ha.", "That was just a practical joke.\nI'm not really in love with Robin.", "You should've seen the look on your face.", "There's cameras right there\nand there and there.", "What a legendary prank\nthat we're never going to speak of again.", "Gross.", "First movie you ever saw.\n- Benji, 1981.", "I watched it recently with Lucy\nand I just thought,", "\"That dog is so dead right now. \"", "What about you?", "My dad took me to an old drive-in\nto see the original Star Wars.", "You know,\nI've actually never seen Star Wars.", "She's never seen Star Wars?", "Ted, the only people in the universe\nwho haven't seen Star Wars", "are the characters in Star Wars,\nand that's 'cause they lived them, Ted!", "That's 'cause they lived the Star Wars.\n- You gotta calm down.", "I told you. I told you\nyou didn't know this girl well enough.", "What if you show it to her\nand she doesn't like it?", "Dude, it's just a movie.", "Ted, Star Wars is your\nall-time favorite movie,", "and whether or not Stella likes it\nis actually important.", "It's a test\nof how compatible you guys are.", "Marshall, it's just a movie.\nIt's just a movie.", "Okay, if Stella doesn't like this movie,", "I can't marry her.\n- No, you can't.", "Want to watch it again?\n- Yes, I do.", "Wait, where are the boys?\nI thought this was a group thing.", "Yeah, I lied.\nThey're not coming and I'm about to leave.", "Why?", "Because they're not in love with Robin,\nand neither am I.", "I mean, she's great and sweet.", "I'm not gonna pretend\nthat I haven't noticed her body,", "but this is off-topic. Good luck.", "Wait, wait, I can't do this.\nShe'll never take me seriously.", "She thinks I'm some womanizing idiot.", "Hey. We both know you're more than that.", "Okay, just show Robin\nthe Barney I met the other day.", "You mean the insecure,\ntouchy-feely she-male", "who sounded alarmingly close to Ted?\n- Hey, Ted hit that for over a year.", "Wish me luck.", "I just thought it'd be fun\nto watch a movie tonight,", "and since you've never seen Star Wars,\nI figured, why not? No big deal.", "It's pretty good.\n- Sounds like a plan.", "Hey, I'm just gonna grab a beer.\nYou want one?", "The movie's already started, so...", "Yeah, it's just some words\nflying through space.", "I mean, I'm not going to read that anyway.\n- Oh, my God.", "Off to a bad start.\n- What are you doing down there?", "I'm making sure my best friend\nis marrying the right woman.", "That's what I'm doing.", "Dude, what the hell are you doing,\nhiding behind the couch?", "You need to get a job.", "I really do, don't I?\n- Yeah.", "So, Robin, tell me about your day,", "and not just what happened,\nhow you felt about what happened.", "What?", "I'm not looking to problem-solve,\nI'm just looking to listen.", "Why are you acting like this?\n- Like what?", "You're being super-nice.\nIt's freaking me out.", "Be gross, be inappropriate. Be Barney.", "I'm being Barney,", "and I think tonight's going\nto be de... Wait for it... lightful.", "Delightful.\n- Right.", "Hey, so I went\nto the chiropractor yesterday.", "That guy bent me over the table\nand pounded me for a good hour.", "Is insurance gonna cover that?\nSometimes they don't.", "That's it? Okay.", "Well, today I was at the dentist.\nThat guy drilled me all day long.", "He drilled me hard.\nHe filled all of my cavities.", "Come on, man.\n- Well, your teeth look fantastic.", "Who are you?", "What?", "Nothing.", "You were staring at me.", "You look really beautiful tonight.", "You don't look so bad yourself, mister.", "Yeah, great scene, great scene.", "Star Wars fun fact number seven,", "George Lucas based the film's structure\non Akira Kurosawa's The Hidden Fortress.", "He also owes a debt to Joseph Campbell's\nwork with comparative mythology.", "Yeah, Ted, I'm losing wood over here.\nWhat's going on?", "Nothing.", "Wait, it's really important to you\nthat I like this movie, isn't it?", "No.", "Well, I'm not gonna like it\nwith you staring at me the whole time.", "Go to your room\nand I will come get you when it's over.", "Stella...\n- Go.", "Should I leave, too?", "What part? What part? What part?", "Thanks.", "Nothing? Not even a glance?", "I mean, even I was thinking about\nrocking a motorboat on those bad boys.", "What the hell is wrong with you, Barney?", "I don't always want to be that guy.", "Sometimes I want to be someone\nyou can have an actual conversation with.", "Now, tell me something about you\nthat I don't know yet.", "Seriously.", "Okay.", "There's a job opening at a new cable\nnetwork that would be perfect for me.", "Completely legit world news,\ninterviews with people who matter...", "But I decided I'm not going to apply.", "Why not?\n- Because I'm a joke.", "I'm just the scary news lady\nfrom some stupid local news channel.", "Hey, we both know you're more than that.", "Promise me you'll apply.", "Barney, it's not as easy...\n- Promise me you'll apply.", "Okay. I promise.", "Okay, she's up to the scene", "where Luke, Leia, Han and Chewie escape\nfrom the Death Star's trash compactor.", "Great scene.\n- Great scene.", "Okay, we should have just heard...", "But Stella didn't make a peep.", "I'm gonna take a look.\n- All right.", "She's not even watching. She's texting.", "I'll tell her you still want to be friends.\n- I don't believe this. I believe...", "She knows this is important to me.\nShe's blatantly...", "\"Stop watching me, jackasses. \"", "To taking chances.\n- To taking chances.", "You know, Robin,\nthere's actually something", "I do want to talk to you about.", "Last call.\n- Of course it is.", "One more for the road?\n- Yeah, why not? Hold that thought?", "I will.", "I loved it.\n- Yes!", "Yes, I am marrying a woman\nwho is not only hot but loves Star Wars.", "That's the dream. Yes!", "What was that?", "I was high-fiving 15-year-old me\nthrough the space-time continuum.", "We did it.\nWe did it, you masturbating little bastard.", "Champagne for everybody.", "It was so good.", "You hated it, didn't you?\n- It's so stupid.", "I mean, first of all,\nhow do they understand that walking bear", "they hang around with all the time?", "Wookiee.\n- Yeah, he goes...", "And they're all like,\n\"That's a good point, Bear, let's try that. \"", "Okay, he's a Wookiee, and his kind is\nactually more intelligent than they appear.", "Look, Stella, that is Ted's favorite movie\nof all time.", "He watches it when he's home,\nsick with the flu.", "He watches it on rainy Sunday afternoons\nin the fall.", "He watches it on Christmas Eve.", "Ted watches Star Wars", "in sickness and in health,\nin good times and in bad.", "Do you really think that you can pretend\nto like a movie that you actually hate", "for the rest of your life?", "I do.", "Well, then, Ted's a lucky guy.", "Bear.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "So, here's the deal...\n- April, have you met Barney?", "Hi, Barney.\n- Hello.", "April just finished her shift,\nand she's looking to blow off some steam.", "Would you excuse us for one sec?", "What are you doing?\n- Well, you were so nice to me tonight,", "I wanted to return the favor,\nwingwoman style.", "So, as I was saying, April, Barney\nis the Yankees' new second-baseman.", "And Barney, April asked if tomorrow,", "you could hit a goal for her\nduring the baseball match.", "You can't make this stuff up.", "So, you two kids have fun.", "So, are you nervous about the game?", "Yeah, I'm nervous for the other team,\n'cause when I step up to that plate...", "Look, April, I am not a New York Yankee.", "Any other night, I would probably try\nto convince you that I am, but I'm not.", "I'm just some guy\nwho's in love with the girl that just left,", "and she's never gonna feel the same way.", "So I'm just gonna go.", "And that was it.\n- I'm so sorry, Barney.", "But you can't give up.", "You know, it may take some time,\nbut once Robin really sees the new you...", "Barney, when my family\ngets to Yankee Stadium,", "are the tickets under your name or mine?", "My name, and tell your nephews\nto bring their mitts.", "They're going to be in foul-ball country.\n- Okay.", "Come on. Okay, well,\nthe Robin stuff was completely true.", "Ow!", "Damn it, Barney.", "I mean, for the last time, you can't,\nyou can't be in love with Robin", "and still be sleeping with\nevery bimbo on the planet.", "You have to choose right now.", "I choose bimbos.\n- What?", "Hey, Lily, bimbos make me happy.\nBimbos make me feel alive.", "Bimbos make me want to pretend\nto be a better man.", "This whole thing with Robin\nwas just a fling,", "but at the end of the day,\nmy heart belongs to bimbos.", "No, no, this is just a defense mechanism\nbecause you're afraid of getting hurt.", "You're just confused.", "I'm not confused, Lily.\nYou know who is confused?", "Bimbos. They're easily confused.", "It's one of the thousand little things\nI love about them.", "I love their vacant, trusting stares,", "their sluggish, unencumbered minds,\ntheir unresolved daddy issues.", "I love them, Lily, and they love me.", "Bimbos have always been there for me,\nthrough thick and thin.", "Mostly thin. B-man don't do thick crust.\nWhat up?", "See you, Barney.", "Oh.", "Chimichanga.\n- We have to go."], "How I Met Your Mother S04E02 The Best Burger in New York": ["Kids, when I first moved to New York,", "it was dingy, disgusting,\ndirty, ugly, flea-ridden, stinky,", "and altogether terrifying.", "But then, sadly,\nthe whole city started to go uphill.", "The streets got a little cleaner,", "the rents got a little higher,\nand one by one,", "the crappy old places we loved\nbegan to disappear.", "The Elbow Room, an old punk-rock club,\nbecame a drugstore.", "McHale's, a working-class watering hole,\nbecame a fast-food place.", "And Fez, this awesome lounge\nat 85th and Broadway, became a bank.", "And not just any bank.", "Goliath National Bank,\nthe world leader in credit and banking.", "God, I love Goliath National Bank!", "Okay, first of all,\nyou look like the last pick in the draft.", "And second, why are you so excited\nabout some bank?", "Our company just bought them out\nin a ruthless takeover. Took two months.", "Cost 2,000 jobs. It was brutal.", "Who wants a T-shirt?", "Hey, Marshall,\nthey're hiring in the legal department.", "I could get you a job.", "Barney, Marshall didn't quit\nhis last soul-sucking corporate job", "just to go work at a bank.\nHe's gonna be an environmental lawyer.", "That was the plan, anyway.", "Over the next few weeks,\nMarshall went on a lot of interviews.", "You are confident, you are energetic,\nyou are focused!", "A lot of interviews.", "You are flexible on salary,\nyou're willing to compromise,", "you're not gonna cry this time.", "Too many interviews.", "You are sad, you are beaten down.", "You will get through this, come home,\nget in your big underpants and take a nap.", "Which brings us to September 29th,\nthe night of the burger.", "So, what do you guys want to do\nfor dinner?", "We just got a new cook.\nYou have to try the burger, it's amazing.", "Oh, great, we'll take five of those.\n- Five burgers.", "Whoa, really? You want to eat here?", "Yeah, I'm freaking starving.\nI just finished a seven-day cleanse.", "I thought you just started that yesterday.", "I finished early, okay?", "Five of those.\n- Five burgers.", "Whoa, wait. What about sushi?\n- We had sushi last night.", "Italian.\n- I had Italian for lunch.", "I can come back.\n- No. We always do this.", "We spend an hour arguing\nabout where to eat,", "and then we end up eating here anyway.\nI haven't eaten for two days.", "Can we please, for the love of God,\njust order something now?", "Chinese?\n- I don't like Chinese.", "Indian?\n- I just said I don't like Chinese.", "Indian isn't Chinese.", "Weird meats, funny music, side of rice.\nWhy are we splitting hairs?", "Mexican?\n- I just said I don't like Chinese.", "Robin, yours will be right out.\n- Of course, mine comes last.", "Go ahead, start without me.", "Sweet! Thank you.\n- You shouldn't have.", "That's so kind of you.", "Oh, my God. This burger is so good.", "It's like Christmas in my mouth.\nMeat Christmas.", "It's like an angel from heaven\nlanded in the kitchen at MacLaren's,", "where the chef killed it\nand ran it through the meat grinder.", "I love this burger so much,\nI want to sew my ass shut.", "It's okay.", "Are you kidding me?\n- Guys, guys, guys.", "When you've had the best burger\nin New York City,", "every other burger\ntastes like my grandpa's feet.", "But you guys eat up,\nenjoy my grandpa's feet.", "Oh, and you've had the best burger\nin New York.", "It was eight years ago,\nmy first week in New York,", "and for a kid from Minnesota,\nthe big city was a scary place.", "Thank God, it's just you.", "You are being ridiculous.\nTell me you left the apartment today.", "Why would I have to leave?", "I can have anything I want delivered,\nand New York City cable is awesome.", "Have you seen this public access show\nwith the old Jewish lady in a bikini?", "It's disgusting.", "Marshall, you have to\nget over this paranoia.", "You are not gonna get mugged.", "Well, what if I do, Ted, all right?\nI don't have a switchblade.", "I don't know how to breakdance", "and win the begrudging respect\nof a street gang.", "All right, that's it, you're taking a walk.\nCome on, go.", "No.\nLook, the old lady in a bikini is back on.", "I'm just gonna lie back\nand get comfortable...", "Go! Go outside. Go, go.\n- Okay.", "Leave the bat.\n- Fine.", "So I went for a walk in the big, scary city.", "And I discovered something amazing.\nIt wasn't scary at all.", "All right.", "What's the word?", "Hello.\n- Your search is over!", "And then, right when I started\nto get a little hungry, I turned a corner...", "...and there it was.\nThe tiniest little burger joint you ever saw,", "tucked between a taxidermist\nand a XXX bookstore.", "Name two places where things get stuffed.", "So I went inside.", "And I ordered the burger.", "Thank you.", "Ted.", "Ted, you've got to wake up. Ted, wake...", "Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.", "Are you okay?\n- I'm all right.", "Ted. Ted, I've just had\nthe most amazing burger of my life!", "It's this awesome little place.\nRegis Philbin eats there,", "so it's sort of like a celebrity hotspot.\nBut the burger, Ted. The burger.", "Dude.\nI want one of those burgers right now!", "Do you think they're still open?\n- I don't know.", "Does stuff in New York\nstay open past 9:30?", "So we went out to get another\nburger. But after hours of searching...", "Damn it! Where is this place?", "You couldn't find it?\n- We didn't know our way around.", "Just getting back to the apartment\ntook us three hours", "and one very helpful drag queen.\n- Wait, Betty Noir was a drag queen?", "Well, where do you think it was?\n- Probably tucked between her legs.", "You know what's not a drag?", "Getting a home equity loan\nat Goliath National Bank. I'm just saying.", "Anyways, we never found the place.", "Now eight years have passed,\nstill no burger.", "I couldn't help but overhear.\n- Okay, here we go.", "I know the place you're talking about.\n- No, you don't.", "It's a place called The Corner Bistro.\nGreat burger.", "Oh! Oh, The Corner Bistro!", "It's amazing, I spent a quarter of my life", "searching for the best burger\nin New York City,", "but silly me, it never occurred to me", "to check the highest-rated burger\nin the Zagat guide.", "Wow, thanks a lot, guy.\nLet me return the favor.", "Great cup of coffee? Starbucks.", "Shh!", "So I take it you've tried The Corner Bistro.", "Robin, I've tried every so-called\nbest burger in New York City", "trying to find that burger.\nOr at least forget about her.", "We're going.", "But none of those places even came close.", "Hey, there was that one time we thought\nwe had a break in the case, remember?", "Get this. You know who works out\nat my gym? Regis Philbin.", "The autographed picture.", "Of course, I remember the place.\nIt was the best burger I ever had.", "I still have dreams about this burger.\nBeautiful, haunting dreams!", "I wake up at night, screaming,\n\"Get out of my head, burger! Get out!\"", "That's the one, Mr. Philbin.", "Do you remember where it is?\n- No! I never wrote it down.", "But not a day goes by that I don't regret it.", "Why? Why? Do you know where it is?\n- No.", "And if you tell me it's at The Corner Bistro,\nI'm gonna smack you right in the face!", "No, we don't know where it is.", "Listen, blondie! Don't mess with me!\nDaddy needs his meat.", "I don't know where it is, Regis, I swear!", "What about you, Lurch?\nAnd what about you, satchel-mouth?", "Satchel-mouth?", "This is my cell. You find that burger,\nyou call me day or night.", "Okay, Regis, we will, we will.", "All right, so what are you waiting for?\nGet out and find the burger!", "All right, all right.\nLet's go, all of you!", "That's where my story ends.", "Now I'm doomed to walk the earth forever,\nsearching for that green door", "and that red neon sign that says \"Burger. \"", "Green door,\nred neon sign that says \"Burger\"?", "Yeah.\n- I know that place.", "I've walked by it a million times.\nIt's on West 12th, right off of 7th.", "I knew it was on a numbered street!", "Finally.\n- No! Robin!", "If any of us is gonna eat a burger tonight,\nit's gonna be the best burger in New York.", "We're going downtown!", "I cannot believe\nwe're finally gonna have this burger.", "Honey, I'm so excited for you.", "After all these interviews,\nafter all these disappointments,", "you deserve a triumphant\nmouthful of meat.", "You know what else is a mouthful?\nAll that double-talk other banks give you.", "At Goliath, customer satisfaction\nis our most important investment.", "Barney, I hate to break this to you,\nbut working for a bank's kind of lame.", "Oh, yeah.\nHow lame is free automatic bill pay, Lil?", "How lame is 3.3% APY online savings?\nYeah! That's right.", "Hate to make you look stupid in front\nof your friends, but you left me no choice.", "We should probably call Regis.", "Regis. God, that guy scares me.\nI think I'll leave him a text.", "Now, Kathy, your last flip was heads.\nThe one before that was tails.", "You polled the audience,\nthey came out split, 50-50.", "No help at all there. So, for $258,000,", "I have to ask you, Kathy,\nwhat's it gonna be?", "Heads or...", "Excuse me.\nOh, boy. I've got to go. I've got to go!", "Green door, red neon sign.\nGuys, this is the place.", "No, no, I've actually...\nI've prepared a few words.", "I will eat your hand!", "All right, let's just go inside then,\nshall we?", "Thank you.\n- You're welcome.", "Yours will be right out.", "Please, go ahead, start.\n- No.", "Just shut up and eat.\n- All right.", "Oh, my God.\nI'm never brushing my teeth again", "unless it's with a toothbrush\nmade from this burger.", "I think I just had my first burg-asm.", "I want to take this burger out to dinner,\nthen maybe a movie,", "then take it back to my place,\nput on a little Terence Trent D'arby,", "and then I would just fool around\na little bit.", "Nothing serious.\nJust take it slow, you know?", "This isn't it.\n- What?", "Marshall!\n- It's not it!", "Okay, Marshall,\nyou might not want to hear this,", "but is it at all possible this is\nthe same burger you had eight years ago,", "only it could never live up\nto your ridiculously high expectations?", "I mean, it is just a burger.\n- Just a burger?", "Just a burger?", "Robin, it's so much more\nthan just a burger.", "I mean, that first bite...", "Oh, what heaven that first bite is.", "The bun, like a sesame-freckled breast\nof an angel,", "resting gently on the ketchup\nand mustard below.", "Flavors mingling\nin a seductive pas de deux.", "And then, a pickle,", "the most playful little pickle,", "then a slice of tomato,\na leaf of lettuce, and a...", "A patty of ground beef so exquisite,", "swirling in your mouth,\nbreaking apart and combining again", "in a fugue of sweets and savories so", "delightful.", "This is no mere sandwich\nof grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin.", "This is God speaking to us through food.", "And you got our wedding vows\noff the Internet.", "Okay, look, so this isn't the place.\nAll right, it's no big deal.", "It's another place with a green door\nand a red neon sign that says \"Burger. \"", "I'll call every restaurant in Manhattan\nand ask them what color their door is.", "No big deal, right? Let's do this.", "Whoo!", "I'm going to go out on a limb here\nand say this isn't just about a burger.", "Marshall's not doing so well, guys.\nHe really needs to get a job.", "Tell them about the underpants.\n- What about the underpants?", "It started a couple of weeks ago.", "Heads! It's gonna be heads.\nIt's almost usually heads.", "Hey, baby.\n- Hey!", "Did you put on pants today?\n- Nope.", "It was funny at first,\nbut then it became a daily thing.", "I thought, \"Okay, well, at least\nhe's not leaving the house like that. \"", "Then one day,\nhe opened the door to get the paper.", "Day after that,\nwent downstairs to get the mail.", "Everyone's got an underpants radius.", "For most of us, it's the distance\nfrom the bedroom to the bathroom.", "But as your self-esteem gets smaller,\nyour underpants radius gets bigger.", "How big is Marshall's underpants radius?", "We're going.", "Come on, Lily, he'll find a job eventually.", "You know, Lil, when times are tough,", "I like to remember the uplifting words\nof my favorite song.", "We'll be on your side\nwhen you need a friend", "Through thick and thin\nyou can always depend", "On the world leaders\nin credit and banking", "Goliath National Bank!", "Member, FDIC.", "We've got to find Marshall that burger.", "Lily, I think we're all eating that burger.\n- I'm not eating that burger.", "No, if Marshall says this isn't the burger,\nthis isn't the burger.", "Finally.\n- Excuse me.", "Yes.\n- Did you guys change cooks or something?", "Because my husband was here\na few years ago,", "and he's pretty sure\nhe had a different burger.", "Yeah, we get this a lot.", "This place is modeled after\nthis other place uptown", "with the same green door\nand \"Burger\" sign.", "What? Uptown? Where?\n- 106th and Manhattan Avenue.", "Damn it.", "106. A numbered street. Of course.", "Barney Stinson.\n- Barney, where the hell are you?", "I'm sorry, this is...", "Regis. I'm at the place.", "Regis, of course.\nI'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.", "I forgot to call you. That's not the place.", "The real place is\non 106th and Manhattan Avenue.", "We're headed there right now.\n- What? Uptown?", "Fine, fine, I'll be there in 20.\nIf you get there first, medium rare...", "Onions?\n- Onions?", "Okay, no onions.\n- Stop the cab!", "Wait. This is it.", "Your search is over!\nWe got girls taking off their clothes!", "This is it.", "One of 9,000 convenient locations.", "It was right here.\nIt was right on this very spot.", "I don't understand.\nWhere is the burger place?", "It's not a burger place anymore,\nit's a Goliath National Bank ATM.", "Well, that's fine. Let's just eat here.\n- We can't eat here. It's an ATM.", "But, food.", "Ow! Ow!", "Hey, what the...", "This is your fault,\nyou and your stupid bank.", "You did this.\n- It's not my... Stop, okay.", "Stop it, Lily.", "I will never use a Goliath ATM ever again.\nGoliath National Bank sucks!", "It's the worst bank\non the face of the earth.", "Attention, New Yorkers, this bank sucks!\nThey suck!", "They suck, suck, suck!\n- Marshall, will you just tell her already?", "Tell me what?", "Tell me what?\n- I got a job.", "What? Where?\n- Goliath National Bank.", "That's why Barney's been going on and on\nabout how great Goliath is.", "He wanted you to be excited for me, since\nwe're gonna be working there together.", "Well, technically not together.\nYou won't have access to my floor.", "But you want to be\nan environmental lawyer.", "Yeah, you know, and I also want\nto be a Harlem Globetrotter", "and get paid in candy, but...", "In the meantime, I need a job,\nand this is a really good one.", "It's great pay and there's good benefits,", "and, to be honest, it gives me a reason\nto put on pants in the morning.", "You know, I have my whole life\nto save the planet,", "but right now, I'm kind of really excited\nto wear pants again.", "You've got great pants.", "I love you.\n- I love you.", "Robin, no!", "They're unopened.\n- Give it.", "They're barbecue.\n- Give it!", "I'm sorry you didn't get your burger.\n- It's stupid.", "I think about that first week in New York,\nyou know?", "I was 22 years old.\nI had my whole future ahead of me.", "I guess I just kind of thought that\nif I could have that burger one more time", "and feel that way for one more night,", "that I might be able\nto check that off the list and grow up,", "go work for the stupid bank\nand just be happy.", "You know, that burger place isn't gone.\nIt just moved to a new location.", "And I can tell you where that is\nfor 100 bucks.", "100 bucks? That's crazy.", "Let's pay the man.\n- I paid for the cab.", "I don't have any cash.\n- I haven't worked since March.", "Wow, if only there were\nan easy, convenient way", "to get some cash right now.", "Member, FDIC.", "So we paid the guy, and 20 minutes later...", "Thank you.", "All right, Marshall, remember,\nit might not taste as good.", "This place has changed, you've changed,\nNew York has changed.", "Just don't get your hopes up\ntoo high, okay?", "This is it.\n- Yes!", "It's exactly the same.\nIt's the best burger in New York.", "Go ahead, eat up, eat up.", "And so,\nafter finally tasting again", "the burger he'd craved for so many years,", "Marshall got up the next morning,\nput on some pants and went to work.", "And he never looked back.", "I want to get tiny fitted sheets\nfor this burger", "and just crawl into this bun,\nget all cozy and die there.", "Oh, my God. I just want you inside of me.", "This feels so good.", "I'm worried\nI'm gonna get this burger pregnant.", "If he does get that burger pregnant,\nI have dibs on the delicious burger babies.", "This isn't it.", "What?\n- No, Regis Philbin!", "That's outrageous.\n- Come on.", "That is unbelievable!", "Wait. This is it! Yes!", "I knew I was getting it, Regis Philbin!\n- Bring it!"], "How I Met Your Mother S04E03 I Heart NJ": ["Kids, in the fall of 2008,\nI had a little problem.", "All right, I gotta get to Stella's.", "Tonight's the night, guys.\nI've tried it before. I've failed every time.", "This time, I am gonna do it.\nTonight I pick up a lesbian.", "Robin, I need your lipstick.\n- Oh, man!", "Take pictures, all right?\n- Bye, Ted.", "I lived in New York,", "but Stella lived across the river\nin New Jersey.", "Oh, man.", "Which meant\nI was always taking the train.", "What's up, Ted?\n- Hey, Matisse.", "Hey, T-Diddy!\n- Theodore!", "You missed it.\n- Robin got that national anchor job.", "And we got a free bottle of champagne.", "But it's empty now.\n- Oh, man.", "And as result, it seemed like\nI was missing out on everything.", "Sorry, we couldn't wait.\nIt was getting cold.", "Oh, man!", "Hey, big guy.\n- What's up, G?", "Are you okay?\n- Yeah, I'm fine. It's just,", "you know,\nI wanna hang out with you guys.", "I wanna hang out with my friends.", "I just feel like\nI'm spending all my time on the train.", "Okay, how about this.\nWhy don't you ask your friends", "to come out here sometime?\n- That's a great idea.", "You want us to go to New Jersey?\nThat is rich.", "Why?\n- Well, for starters,", "I don't have\nany of my gold medallions anymore.", "I sold them when they went out of style\n400 years ago.", "Lily?\n- Sorry, Ted.", "I'm a born and raised New Yorker.", "I'm programmed to despise and loathe\nNew Jersey and all that it stands for.", "Why am I telling you this?\nYou hate New Jersey more than anyone.", "What? I don't hate New Jersey.\nWhy would you think that?", "And then he cut in front of me!", "God, I hate line cutters\nmore than I hate New Jersey!", "Well, that's not true. There is nothing\nI hate more than New Jersey.", "Huh?", "Right?", "Hey, you want us to wait for you or...", "No, I might be a while.\nI gotta drop a massive New Jersey.", "Okay, so New Jersey's\nnot my favorite place.", "But once Stella and I get married\nand she and Lucy move in with me,", "I'll never set foot in New Jersey again.", "Unless I'm going to see a Giants game\nor flying out of Newark", "or, God forbid, disposing of a body.", "Ted, if you murder me\nand bury me in New Jersey,", "I'll haunt you forever.", "But if I murder you\nand bury you somewhere else?", "I'll leave you alone.\nI'm sure you had your reasons.", "Kids, your Aunt Robin was\nsick of her job at Metro News 1.", "She was sick of the low production value...", "I'm Robin Scherbatsky,\nand you're watching", "Etro News 1 at 11:00.", "And again at 1:00.", "...sick of the stories she had to report...", "So hurry up and get your votes in\nfor New York's cutest doggie.", "...and most of all,\nshe was sick of all the stupid puns.", "Four transit workers were electrocuted\nwhen a subway train jumped the tracks.", "Stay tuned for the shocking derails.\nJoel, people died.", "So when the call came in\nthat she got the big national anchor job,", "she finally got to say the words\nshe'd been dreaming of saying for years.", "Tonight will be my last broadcast.", "I came to Metro News 1\nas a little caterpillar,", "and for four years,\nthis desk has been my cocoon.", "But tonight,\nI emerge an ambitious butterfly.", "Why does she sound like an idiot?\nDid she have a stroke?", "Yeah. A stroke of genius.\nThis speech is really good.", "With one eye on the horizon,\none eye on the truth,", "and one eye on all of you.", "You wrote it for her, didn't you?", "It's a modified version of the speech I gave\nwhen I had to leave the swim team", "because of a chronic inner ear situation.", "I thought you were the towel boy.\n- It's part of the team.", "So that Saturday, as Robin went off\nfor her first day at her new job,", "we all headed across the river", "to experience\nsome of that crazy New Jersey nightlife.", "Okay, Stella couldn't find a sitter,\nso we can't go out.", "Instead, we're all gonna hang out here,\nand it's gonna be just as awesome.", "Right? We got board games,\nwe got movies,", "and I think there may be some beer\nout in the garage.", "Ted, this is pathetic. It's Saturday night.\nWe should be out at a bar drinking alcohol.", "Now I know that that sounds depressing,\nbordering on tragic, but it's just a fact!", "Yeah, and I wanna take another crack\nat that chick, Doris.", "I know I can land that lesbian plane.\n- No snakes on that plane.", "Okay, guys. Come on, you promised.\nLet's just hang out here, try to have fun.", "I mean, we're all together.", "Friends hanging out.\nIsn't that what really matters?", "Okay, if we take the next train,\nwe can be at MacLaren's by 11:00.", "We can be there by 10:00.\n- No, I have to change first.", "I am not walking into MacLaren's\nsmelling like New Jersey.", "Whoa.", "Wow. You guys really hate it here, huh?", "What? No, Stels.", "No. No, I get it.\nI mean, you guys are all New Yorkers.", "You need to go hang out at a bar.", "Well, you could just hang out\nat the coolest bar in the state,", "which is so close it will blow your mind.", "And boom goes the dynamite.\nThe coolest bar in New Jersey.", "Yeah, it probably is.\n- This is great!", "We got darts. Half a ping-pong table.", "A fish bowl. Look what turned out to be", "an awesome night as promised.", "Maybe we can drop some Bac-Os in here\nand make them fight.", "No, thanks. I don't mess with fish bowls\nunless they have my two favorite fish,", "the suckerfish and the blowfish. What up!", "For blowfish? I don't think so.", "Marshall.\n- You're better than that.", "Lily.\n- Not good enough.", "Stella?", "Sorry.", "I am not lowering this\nuntil someone gives me the respect", "of another person's knuckles\ntapping against mine", "in a light but decisive manner.", "Pretty, pretty. Pretty, pretty. Pretty...\nWho's a pretty baby?", "Then know this.\nUntil it gets what it wants, nay, deserves,", "this fist will not yield.", "It will not yield.", "So who wants to play Scrabble?\n- Sure, whatever.", "Heads up, the X tile is a little hard to read", "'cause a couple years ago,\nit went all the way through my dog.", "You know,\nmaybe we should get a dog again,", "when you move in.\n- When I what?", "Great. There's Robin.", "I thought they were moving in with you?\n- So did I.", "Oh, God, am I moving to New Jersey?", "Hey, guys, I bet that dog\nwas really flying high", "after it swallowed a little X. Nailed it!", "Come on!", "I can't live here.\n- It wouldn't be that bad.", "You could put a minifridge over there\nand maybe some Nok Hockey.", "Nok Hockey. Nice one, big man.", "Yeah, I meant New Jersey in general,\nnot this basement.", "She wants me to move here? I don't get it.\nWe discussed this months ago.", "So I was thinking after the wedding,\nyou and Lucy could move in here.", "Yeah, she could play\nout on the fire escape,", "maybe make friends with that guy\nwho sleeps on that couch out in the alley,", "ride her bike up and down Broadway.\nThat's a great idea, Ted.", "Look, I don't understand\nwhy you'd want to live in New Jersey", "when you have a chance\nto live in Manhattan.", "I thought having a rent-controlled\napartment on the Upper West Side", "was half the reason\nshe agreed to marry me.", "Really, I thought it was the whole reason.\nWhat is up?", "Hey.\n- Robin, hey! Looking good.", "Bump the Barnacle.\n- Stella already told me not to.", "How was your first day?\n- It wasn't.", "What?\n- It wasn't my first day.", "I showed up\nand there were 20 other people.", "It turns out, I didn't actually get the job.\nI only got an audition.", "What, how did that happen?\n- I don't know,", "because he told me that I got it.", "I got it? I got it!", "And just to be clear,\nwhen I say \"you got it,\"", "I mean an audition. You got an audition.", "I don't want there to be any confusion.\nYou have an audition only.", "Not the job.", "Thank you! Thank you!", "Okay, I'm gonna call and beg Joel\nto give me my job back.", "No.\n- You hated that job.", "I don't know. It wasn't so bad.", "Robin, what did they make you call\nTropical Storm Hector", "when it was raining cats and dogs?", "A furricane.", "Hey, Ted.", "Rock me like a furricane.\n- Nice.", "Mean.", "Okay, yeah, it sucks, but what can I do?\nI mean, I'm not gonna get that other job.", "You guys should have seen\nthe other women at this audition.", "They all had more experience than me,\nwere more ethnic than me.", "There was an African-American chick\nwith blue eyes.", "How can I compete with that?", "You can't.", "No, you can compete with anyone.", "You're Robin Scherbatsky.\nYou're confident, strong, tall,", "with crazy long legs\nthat look great in shorts.", "I'm calling Joel.", "No, no. Robin, if you call him right now,\nyou will hate yourself.", "Look, I have slept with lots of women\nwho afterwards told me off", "and stormed out. And sometimes,\nthey'd pick up the phone", "and they'd call me,\nand then we'd hook up again.", "And when we were finished,\nI could see that look on their faces,", "that look that says they hate themselves\nand they wish they'd never called.", "But if you could see that look...", "Actually, you can see that look,\nthere's a video, www...", "No, no! Stop, okay? I won't call.", "Don't drink the beer!\nI just remembered when I bought it.", "It was right before\nI got pregnant with Lucy.", "Ted, would you mind\nrunning to PriceCo and picking some up?", "And while you're there,\nmaybe you could sign up for a card.", "I mean, you'll probably\nend up going there all the time.", "That's the look.", "I can't move here. I hate it here.\nI would kill myself.", "Maybe New Jersey's not that bad, okay?\nStella has a lawn.", "You could get a riding lawn mower.\nThey sell them over there.", "I saw one with a cup holder.\nI saw a recliner with a built-in cup holder.", "I even saw a hammock with a cup holder.", "You live in New Jersey,\nyou never have to hold a cup again.", "I don't think I have as big a problem\nholding cups as you do.", "I will give you $100 to fist bump me.", "$200.", "Just put it down, Barney.\nYour arm must be killing you by now.", "$10,000.", "Look, you'll be right across the river.\nYou'll be in New York all the time.", "Oh, yeah?\n- Yeah.", "Excuse me.\nYou guys are from New York, right?", "Yeah, we moved here from Manhattan.", "Do you ever get into the city?\n- All the time.", "See? All the time.", "When was the last time you were there?\n- We just had dinner at O'Rourke's.", "That's been closed for six years.", "Maybe it has been a while.\nFunny, we don't miss it.", "I guess we're New Jersey-ians now.\nHoney, look, dog shirts.", "I can't do it. I'm just gonna tell Stella", "she and Lucy have to move\ninto the city and that's that.", "Okay, what do you guys think?\nBeagle or Boston terrier?", "Are those tears?", "They're awesome, manly pain tears.\nThey're not emotional.", "Okay, they're a little bit emotional.", "Where's Robin?", "Oh, no. She's...", "Hey, Shirley, it's Robin calling for Joel.", "Robin, hang up the phone. Don't do this.\n- Sorry, I know, okay?", "If you don't hang up right now...\n- Stop! Hey, Joel, it's Robin.", "So Madam Butterfly\nwants to come back to the cocoon.", "Yeah, look, I'm sorry I said all that stuff.", "Well, you can stick your sorries\nin your sock drawer", "'cause you've already been replaced.", "I've got Brian in makeup\nand he couldn't be more excited.", "I can't do this. I can't do this.", "Okay, look, as much as I wanna see\ncollege boy here wet himself on camera,", "if you can get here in time\nto read the 11:00 news,", "you can have your old job back.", "Okay, I have a half hour\nto make it to the studio.", "There's no way\nyou can make it to the city in a half hour.", "Robin, don't do this.", "I know it's scary to bet on yourself,\nbut if you don't, nobody else will.", "And I'm not just saying that\nto get a fist bump.", "Although, come on, a fist bump\nwould be great. But I really mean that.", "I am betting on myself. I am betting\nthat I can make it there by 11:00.", "Hey, did you get the beer?", "Yeah, I got a 144-pack.\nThe rest is in the trunk.", "And did you sign up for the membership?\n- No.", "Why not?\n- There was a line for the photos.", "My hair's a mess.\nI don't wanna move to New Jersey.", "What?\n- I can't do it,", "and I can't see any reason why\nyou and Lucy shouldn't move to New York.", "Well, my daughter goes to school here,", "all of her friends are here,\nI've lived here my whole life,", "my whole family is here,\nthis is my house, I'm on the PTA", "and, as of June 1, I'm the deputy mayor.", "Yes, but my apartment\nis really close to the subway.", "Ted, we're not moving. End of discussion.", "How can it be end of discussion\nif there's never been a discussion?", "This is part of being a parent.\nI can't just uproot Lucy.", "People with kids move all the time.\nI think it would be really great for Lucy", "to grow up\nin the greatest city in the world.", "Here we go. New York's the greatest city\nin the whole wide world.", "It's where dreams come true\nand pigeon poop tastes like tapioca.", "Wanna know a little secret, Ted?\nNew Jersey is better than New York.", "Better than... You think... I...", "The Empire State... H&H...", "Lincoln... Zabar's... Papaya King!", "New York is the intellectual\nand cultural hub of the planet.", "New York is full of weirdoes\nand snobs and mean people.", "Ted, do you know that, once,\nan old lady actually called me a bitch", "and threw a cat in my face?", "And you wanna know if that\nhappened in New Jersey? Uh-uh.", "86th and Lex, right in front\nof your beloved little Papaya King.", "Ted, people are nice in New Jersey.", "I mean, it's the kind of place\nwhere you know your neighbors.", "Hey, I know my neighbors.\n- Oh, yeah? Like who?", "Right across the hall, I got Claxpamon.", "Claxpamon?\n- His name is Paxton.", "Love that dude.", "Sorry, in a hurry. Gotta get to the front.\nGotta get off first.", "Don't run over Matisse.", "Okay, Stella, this is crazy.", "You can't actually think\nthat New Jersey is better than New York.", "New York has Broadway.\nWe win right there.", "Oh, no, she did not. Knuckle up for safety.", "We have Atlantic City.", "Can't beat the AC. Pretty please?\nNo one has to know.", "New York has Greenwich Village.\n- New Jersey has the Shore.", "Woody Allen.", "Oscar-winning chronicler\nof urban neuroses. Bump it!", "Bruce Springsteen.\n- Sinatra!", "Yeah, he's from Hoboken, New Jersey.", "Yeah, but what city is he singing about?\nIt's not Secaucus, Secaucus.", "Come on.", "Now, you kids can either\nbelieve this or not,", "but this is how\nyour Aunt Robin swears it happened.", "Look, Stella, I understand that,\ncoming from New Jersey,", "you don't picture yourself\nloving New York,", "but trust me, Marshall didn't expect to,", "and now he wouldn't think\nof living anywhere else.", "I hate New York!", "I'm sorry, but it's true.", "Okay, today I was walking around PriceCo.\nHave you ever been there? It's huge.", "All the stores in New York are so cramped.\nEvery time I turn, I knock something over.", "I'm like some huge monster that came out\nof the ocean to destroy bodegas.", "But, Marshall, you love New York.\n- Yeah, I do, except that I hate it.", "I'm too big for New York, okay?", "I'm always trying to fit\ninto cramped little subway seats", "or duck under doorways\nthat were built 150 years ago.", "Hey, guess what? People are bigger now.\nBuild bigger doorways.", "What the hell is the matter with you?\n- Small city, big man, give it up.", "And it's so loud all the time.\nYes, it's the city that never sleeps.", "Well, guess what, I like to sleep.\nI've been tired for eight years.", "Tired and scared\nwith black and blue marks on my elbows", "from trying to fit through\nall these tiny elf doorways.", "New Jersey's great.", "It's got huge stores and lawns\nand you never have to carry a cup again.", "Not for the rest of your life.\nI'm not afraid to say it. I love New Jersey.", "I'm just kidding.", "Look, Stella, I get it, okay?", "I see what you're saying. I guess,", "we could live in Brooklyn.", "You know what, Ted?\nLive wherever you want. I don't care.", "Awkward silence. Tap it.", "Hey, Lucy. What are you doing up?", "There were some loud noises\nin the basement.", "Sorry about that.", "Why don't you get back to bed, sweetie?\n- I can't go to sleep without a story.", "Okay, I'll just get your mom...\n- Why don't you read it to me?", "Okay, come on.", "You know she thrills me\nwith all her charms", "When I'm wrapped up\nin my baby's arms", "My little girl\ngives me everything", "When I'm walking down the street\nwith you", "Sing sha la la la la la la", "I'm moving here.", "Really?\n- Really.", "New Jersey wins.", "Thank you!", "Wait!", "Good evening, New York.", "Hey, look, she made it.", "Our top story tonight,", "the newborn panda at the Central Park Zoo\ngot its first tooth today.", "I guess that makes her a molar bear.", "Molar bear.", "Molar bear.", "You know what? I really am done.\nGood night, New York.", "Wow, she really quit.", "You think we had anything\nto do with that?", "Yeah, I think we did.", "Nice job, Barney.", "Oh, my God! Thank you!", "That was killing my arm.", "My arm hasn't been this sore\nsince I was 13 years old", "and figured out how to lock a bathroom.\nUp top.", "Oh, no.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "Hey.\n- What's wrong?", "Well, I officially didn't get that job.", "I'm so sorry.\n- That's okay.", "They offered me another one.", "Hey, that's great.\nWhat are you gonna be doing?", "Foreign correspondent.\nI'm moving to Japan."], "How I Met Your Mother S04E04 Intervention": ["Barney is crazy\nif he thinks this is gonna work.", "I think it's gonna work.\n- I hope it doesn't work.", "Here he comes.", "You there, what's your name?\n- Excuse me?", "Your name, woman, what's your name?", "Cindy.\n- I knew it.", "You're the Cindy,", "the one who can change everything,\nor spell our inevitable doom.", "Now listen to me, Cindy.", "I am Barney Stinson, and I am\non an urgent mission from the future.", "The future?\n- The future, and I can prove it to you.", "In exactly four seconds,", "the woman at that booth\nis going to slap that man.", "Ow! What the hell?", "Wow!\n- In a few minutes,", "the young me from your time\nis going to come through that door.", "Now, Cindy, I know this sounds insane,\nbut in order to save the planet,", "you need to sleep with him tonight.", "What? I...\n- Sleep with Barney Stinson tonight,", "in whatever way he wants it,", "or he won't be able to find\nthe solution to global warming", "that saves the human race.", "What are you talking about?\n- I have no time to explain.", "I have to get back to the reality accelerator\nbefore the vortex closes.", "Only you can save us, Cindy. I must away!", "Okay, guys, the movers are coming\nin 14 hours.", "We've got to get back upstairs\nand finish packing.", "You guys still aren't finished packing?\nHow is this taking so long?", "Hey, all the great memories of our 20s\ntook place in that apartment.", "It's not like throwing stuff in a box.\nYou start to reminisce.", "Not me. The key?\nThrow stuff out, never look back.", "I'm moving to Japan.\nIt took me a half hour to pack.", "A half hour?\n- Well, it would have taken me 20 minutes,", "but a friend called me in tears.", "Moving is really emotional, okay?\n- It is. I mean, everything is changing.", "I'm gonna be living in New Jersey\nwith Stella,", "you guys will be in your new place.", "You're starting a new job in Tokyo.\n- Hmm.", "I mean, it's the end of an era.", "I think we should have a toast,\nbut not our usual crap.", "Hey, Wendy,\nyour most expensive bottle of Scotch.", "That's 50-year-old Glen McKenna,\nand it's $2,500.", "Excellent.\nA bottle of that with beer chasers,", "and what do you think, cancel the Scotch?\n- Yeah.", "Vodka rocks.\n- It's not gonna work.", "Oh, my God! You're... Oh, my God!\nCan I buy you a drink?", "Oh. Yeah,\nI suppose I have time for one drink", "and 45 minutes to an hour\nof some other activity,", "but after that, I have to get back", "to a top-secret research project\nI'm working on.", "Global warming?\n- My God! How did you know that?", "Hey, look at this.", "A photo from the first day\nwe moved into this place.", "So many great memories.", "See? That is exactly the type\nof crap you should be trashing.", "So you don't keep any photos?", "No, they're like love letters\nor yearbooks or someone's ashes.", "They just take up space.", "Besides, Stella's not gonna\nlet you keep half of this junk.", "Why wouldn't she?", "Oh, Ted, oh, sweetie.", "Okay, here's the thing that guys only learn\nafter they move in with a woman.", "All of your stuff is stupid.\n- Like what?", "Um... Like anything you bought\nat a Renaissance fair.", "Hey, there's not enough mead in the world\nto make me get rid of my flail.", "Oh, hey, Ted, since we're clearly\nnot getting our security deposit back,", "I thought maybe you could reimburse me\nfor my half.", "Wait a second.\nWhy should I have to pay more than you?", "Because you treated this apartment", "the way John Bonham\ntreated his central nervous system.", "That's not true.\n- Exhibit A.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "What's that?\n- A 1986 World Book Encyclopaedia.", "It's exactly the one I grew up with.\n- Encyclo-pay-dia?", "Oh. You think it should\nbe pronounced encyclo-pee-dia.", "It's a common mistake.", "But if you look up that squished together\n\"A-E\" symbol in this here encyclopaedia,", "you'll learn that it's a ligature derived\nfrom the Anglo-Saxon rune ash...", "You know, you're gonna have\nto pay-dia for that.", "But you never did.\nAnd then, there's Exhibit B.", "Good morrow, fair gentles.\nLook what I won at the Renaissance Faire.", "And you're also responsible\nfor any damage Robin did", "while she was your girlfriend.\n- Whoa! What damage did I cause?", "Do you remember that night\nwhen you drank the 12er of Molson", "and you got all super-Canadian?", "Stanley Cup, Game 6, eh?", "The Rangers are about to be sorry\nthey ever played shinny with the Canucks.", "Hey. Hey, Robin.\n- Yeah?", "I'll give you 20 bucks if you\ncan shoot it through this front door.", "You're nuttier\nthan a Tim Horton's maple log.", "Timmy Ho!", "That's it, Robin. Give me the stick.", "I'll give you summer teeth.\nSome are here, some are there.", "Robin, give me the stick.", "Take off, hoser.\nWhoa!", "That's it!\n- Hey, hey!", "Get her, boys, get her!\n- You want to scrap? I'll scrap!", "Guys, come on!\n- Go America!", "All right. All right, break it, break it up!", "Ted, no! You never break up a girl fight!\nNever!", "Entirely Barney's fault. As, by the way,\nis the big scorch mark over the fireplace.", "Kids, to understand the story\nof the scorch mark,", "I first need to tell you the story\nof the intervention for our friend Stuart.", "What's going on?\n- Stuart, this is an intervention.", "\"The alcohol changes you, Stuart.\nIt makes you a different person.", "\"And I'm in love\nwith the man that I married. \"", "Thank you.", "This is just the push I need.\nI love you guys.", "Hey, hey! There's the birthday boy.", "Time to let the party monster\nout of its cage, Stewie!", "No!\n- Come on, buddy.", "People don't want to see\nBruce Banner, dude.", "They want to see the Hulk.\nHulk. Hulk. Hulk. What?", "Oh.", "That's what I get for skimming the Evite.", "Later that day, we celebrated\nour first successful intervention.", "I'm really proud of us for helping Stuart.", "Yeah, what an amazing,\nhonest, human moment.", "I agree. Yay us.", "Marshall, are you really gonna\nkeep wearing that hat?", "Yeah, it's been two weeks, Marshall.", "Two awesome weeks.\nAnd heck, yeah, I'm gonna keep wearing it.", "Hey.\n- Marshall,", "this is an intervention.", "It's about the hat.\n- What? No. I have it under control, okay?", "I can take it off whenever I want.", "\"Dear Marshall,", "\"I do not like that stupid hat.\nI want to beat it with a bat.", "\"Or maybe stab it with a fork.\nIt makes you look like such a dork. \"", "After that,\ninterventions became a", "pretty regular thing around our apartment.", "Cor blimey.", "This is a nice bloody surprise.\nWhat's this about, then?", "Lily, it's about\nthe weird, fake English accent.", "Bollocks.", "I think we should...", "Spray tan?", "They reel you in with a coupon,\nand then you just get hooked.", "Oh, we know, sweetie, we know.\nNo, no, no, no, this is a new sweater.", "What?\n- The magic tricks.", "Specifically, those involving fire.\n- Magic tricks?", "Guys, interventions are supposed\nto help people,", "not attack every little thing\nyou don't like about them.", "I'm sorry, but that really steams me.\nThat really burns me up!", "I mean, I am filled with a white-hot rage!", "Thank you.", "Oh, shoot.\n- I smell hair! I smell hair!", "And that's the story\nof the scorch mark.", "Wait, that's weird.", "When I was going through the closet,\nI thought I saw the intervention banner.", "So?", "So, the banner burned up.\nWhy is there a new one?", "And there are sealed letters\nhere from all of you that say \"Ted. \"", "Were you guys planning\nan intervention for me?", "Oh, that. That was stupid.\nYeah, just forget about that.", "What was it for? The Crocs?", "The hair product?\n- Not Stella.", "Oh, my God, this was about Stella.", "I just said \"Not Stella. \" So maybe it was\nabout your poor listening skills, Ted.", "What?\n- It's out of control. See?", "You guys don't think I should marry Stella.", "You guys don't think I should marry Stella.", "Ted, we do. We're all really happy for you.", "Yeah, like I said, it was stupid.\n- Well, obviously, it wasn't,", "because we agreed not to have\nany more stupid interventions", "at our intervention intervention.", "We're having too many interventions.", "So, what was your big, serious\nproblem with me and Stella?", "Yes! Yes! In everyone's face!", "You all said the future-Barney thing\nwouldn't work.", "You told me I was crazy.\nMy shrink told me I was crazy.", "Well, who's the narcissist with severe\nattachment disorder now, Dr. Grossbard?", "Intervention banner? What's that for?\n- Stella.", "Oh.", "\"Ted, I cannot stand idly by... \"\n- You've just been carrying that around?", "Please, Ted? \"I cannot stand idly by", "\"while you make the biggest mistake\nany man can make. Getting married.", "\"Mark my words, this whole thing\nis gonna go up in flames!\"", "Oh, damn! I put the flame cue too early.", "I had so many more\nimportant things to say, and...", "The point is, Ted, marriage is stupid.", "Every year, there are a million\nnew, hot 22-year-olds walking into bars,", "and call me \"glass-half-full,\"\nbut I think they're getting dumber.", "Oh, come on, Barney,", "even you aren't still gonna be\nhitting on 22-year-olds when you're 80.", "I accept that challenge.\n- What challenge?", "To prove to you that I will be exactly\nthis awesome when I'm 80,", "I will hook up with a 22-year-old\nwhile in my old-man makeup.", "I didn't remotely challenge you to that.", "I mean, I definitely want to see it.\nBut I didn't remotely challenge you to that.", "I want to hear the other letters.\n- Ted, this is ridiculous.", "We changed our minds.\n- And suppose you change them back?", "Lily, come on, let's hear yours.", "\"Gilbert's reading skills have\nimproved drastically since... \"", "Wait, this is a letter I meant to send home\nwith one of my kindergarteners.", "Uh-oh.", "Gilbert, are things moving too fast\nbetween you and a girl named Stella?", "I wish.", "Robin, could I hear yours?", "\"Dear Ted, it's encyclo-pee-dia,\nnot encyclo-pay-dia.", "\"Why do you always say things\nin the most pretentious way possible?", "\"It makes you sound douchey,\nand that's douche-ee, not douch-ay. \"", "Yeah, you already read that one\nat my pronunciation intervention.", "Where's the letter about Stella?\n- I didn't write one. I'm your ex-girlfriend.", "I figured anything I said on the subject\nwould sound catty.", "Plus, I'm hotter than her, so who cares?", "Marshall?", "Dude, it's water under the bridge...\n- Please.", "\"Dear Ted,\nStella seems like a wonderful person.", "\"But you don't know her\nwell enough to get married.", "\"You certainly don't know her well enough", "\"to commit\nto raising a 7-year-old with her.", "\"You're not doing her, her child or yourself\nany favors by rushing into this.", "\"Just give it some more time. \"", "Dude, that was months ago, all right?\nThat was before we got to know Stella,", "and see how awesome she is\nand what a great couple you guys are.", "That's why we decided not\nto even have that intervention.", "Thank you. Because I really need you guys\nto be on board with this.", "And we are.\n- We hope you're not mad at us.", "Of course not. I mean,\nit's not like what you said was crazy.", "You had a lot of valid concerns.\n- Yeah, but concerns", "we have completely moved on from.", "But you had a point. I mean,\nthis whole thing has moved pretty fast.", "Well, you know what? Maybe that's\nbecause when it's right, you just know.", "Yeah, I guess, but we are still\ngetting to know each other.", "And, Lily, maybe you're right.\nMaybe Stella won't like any of my stuff.", "Like the robot cookie jar.", "This was, like, the first thing\nwe bought for this place, remember?", "Yeah, of course I do.", "Marshall,\nmy sensors indicate", "that your pecan-sandy levels\nare dangerously low.", "My collection of\nJames Bond movies.", "Remember? We watched them all in order,", "and then Lily spoke in that weird\nEnglish accent for, like, the next month?", "It was sophisticated.\n- No.", "Nope.\n- No.", "My signed Bernie Kosar cleats.\nMy elephant lamp.", "The English phone booth. My sombrero!", "Ted, what are you doing?\n- Unpacking.", "I am never\nleaving this apartment.", "No, no, Ted, stop unpacking.\nYou're just freaking out.", "I'm not ready for all the responsibility.", "And I'm certainly not ready to be\na stepdad to a 7-year-old.", "I mean, if I get married and move\nto the suburbs, in the blink of an eye,", "I've become an old man!", "Why, hello, young lady.", "You want a butterscotch candy?", "What do you mean, \"Nothing in common?\"\nWe're both seniors.", "You're cute. How old are you?\n- 83.", "How old are you?\n- Thirty-one.", "Okay, Ted has officially snapped.", "There are moving men coming\nin 10 hours.", "His fianc\u00e9e is waiting for him\nin New Jersey. We have to do something.", "I've got this.", "Hey, bud?\n- Hey.", "Why don't you come here for a minute?\n- What?", "Look, I want you to know\nthis is all totally normal.", "Big transitions can be scary, and cold feet,\nwell, they're just part of the deal.", "So how about you give me the knife?\nGive me the knife.", "Come on.", "So I can start unpacking, too.", "I'm staying here\nright by your side forever, buddy!", "Yeah!\n- Yeah!", "Marshall!\n- Lily, our lives have been good here.", "That's why we've been putting off packing.", "Because, subconsciously, we both know\nthat it would be stupid to leave.", "It's safe and warm here.\nThere's a bar downstairs", "and a cookie robot in the kitchen.", "This is my home, and I'm never leaving!\n- Listen to you.", "You sound like that fat,\ndweeby kid at camp.", "\"Mom, Dad, I want to come home.", "\"The cool kids are playing Keep Away\nwith my inhaler. \"", "I can't believe my dad\nread that letter at our wedding.", "Marshall, you can't do this to Lily.", "Yes, I know your new place\nhas had some problems,", "with the slanted floors\nand the nearby sewage treatment plant,", "but you're gonna turn it into a great home.\nTell him, Lily.", "It's a black hole where dreams go to die.\nI'm not moving, either.", "Oh, come on!\n- Yes!", "Okay, you guys finish unpacking.", "I'm gonna go bake some cookies\nto fill R2-Sweet Tooth.", "Oh, my God, look at you cowards!\nSo afraid of any kind of change.", "So terrified of anything new.", "So desperate to cling to anything\ncomfortable and familiar.", "I can't move to Japan.", "Yes!\n- Whoa!", "What was I thinking? It's so far away\nand I don't speak the language.", "I don't even have any good pictures\nof you guys.", "Oh, sweetie.", "Everybody says change is so great, right?\nBut what's so great about change?", "Hey, who wants to walk\ndown to our same old bar,", "sit in our regular booth\nand order the usual?", "Yeah!\n- The usual! My favorite!", "Oh, my God.", "Well, well, well.\nI believe someone owes me $200.", "Barney, this was never a bet. Nobody...", "This proves that I will be\nthis awesome when I'm 80.", "Arthritis-five.", "I'm moving to New Jersey.", "What?\n- And you and Marshall should move", "to your new place,\nand Robin should go to Japan.", "Why?", "Because we're gonna get older\nwhether we like it or not,", "so the only question is,\nwhether we want to get on with our lives", "or desperately cling to the past\nand end up like that?", "You mean awesome?", "I'm 80, dude,\nand I'm making out with a 22-year-old.", "Take me to your place, ch\u00e9ri.", "I want to see your World War II medals.\n- In a minute, mon petit.", "All right, so that doesn't count.\n- What? Why?", "She's French. That's like playing tennis\nwith the net down.", "You know what?\nI'll cover the security deposit.", "I'm glad to,\nbecause every dent in that place", "represents a memory\nthat I'll cherish forever.", "But on one condition. We all put aside\n10 bucks every week for the next year,", "and we come back here\nand we buy that 50-year-old Scotch,", "and we toast the incredible\nlife-changing year we've all had.", "Get out of our booth.", "Me with my new family,\nMarshall and Lily in their new apartment,", "and Robin as the number-one\nEnglish-speaking journalist", "in the Pacific Rim, visiting us\nhere in New York to celebrate this day,", "the day we closed\nan incredible chapter in our lives,", "only to open up a new one.", "Um. I think I left my cell...\n- Get out of here!", "And one year later,\nthat's exactly what we did.", "And so, let's raise a glass of $2,500 Scotch\nfor one hell of a year.", "Hmm.", "Amazing.\n- That's unbelievable.", "It's kind of smoky,\nwith a hint of aged cedar, and...", "Do you guys taste the difference\nbetween this and $10 Scotch?", "Not at all.\n- No difference.", "I want to cut mine with Red Bull.", "Oh, Wendy, will you take a picture?\n- Sure.", "A lot of things\ndid change that year,", "but some things stayed the same.", "So, what do you say we move this party\nupstairs to the apartment?", "Yeah.\n- Great idea.", "What the...", "Barney, this is an intervention.", "I'm sorry, I can't hear you.", "All right, enough with the old-man bit.\n- What about the old sand pit?", "Let it go.\n- Let it snow? I love that old ditty!", "I'm getting my flail.\n- You're setting sail?"], "How I Met Your Mother S04E05 Shelter Island": ["Hey.\nHey, guys, how's it going?", "I'm just gonna finish this.\n- You...", "We just had dinner\nwith Stella's sister and her fianc\u00e9.", "They're getting married before us.", "Okay, you know how you've dreamt\nabout your perfect wedding day", "ever since you were a little girl?", "Yeah.\n- Totally.", "My sister is stealing my dream wedding.", "Down to every last detail,\non Shelter Island, at sunset...", "...just down the beach\nfrom our family's old summer house.", "It's my dream wedding.\n- I'm gonna finish this.", "The lamb here is supposed to be great.\n- I'm a vegan.", "I wish I could tune out\nthat moral voice inside me", "that says eating animals is murder,", "but I guess\nI'm just not as strong as you are.", "That's 'cause you need protein.", "I'll have the lamb.", "Okay, new goal, I want our wedding\nto kick her wedding's ass.", "I want our wedding\nto take her wedding's head", "and shove it in the toilet\nand flush it, like, 20 times.", "Ted, in high school,\nyou were her wedding, weren't you?", "You know, she's always trying\nto one-up me.", "I mean, I love her,\nbut there's a little part of me", "that kind of wishes\nthis whole thing would just fall apart.", "I hate him. I hate him. I hate him!", "God, this steak is so good!\nFour days to go and he just runs off", "with a vitamin consultant\nfrom Whole Foods?", "I gave up make-up for him.\nI gave up showering for him.", "I gave up shaving my armpits for him.\n- Hard to imagine where it all went wrong.", "And now it's so close to the wedding...", "There's like bacon or something\nin this dipping sauce. I love it.", "I can't get any refunds.\nI'm gonna be out thousands of dollars.", "Kids,\nwhen you're in a relationship,", "you develop a kind of telepathy\nwith your partner.", "What do you think?\nWe could help her out.", "No, Stella, we should help her out.", "Let's pay for dinner.", "Nora, don't worry. We got this.", "That's right.", "We'll take over your wedding,\npay you back for everything you spent.", "Ted and I will get married this Sunday.", "Wow! We're getting married this Sunday?\nAre we sure we're ready for this?", "Ted, I wasted years\ntrying to get Lucy's dad", "to decide he was ready for this,\nbut he never got ready for this.", "That's why we never got married.\nCome on, let's just be spontaneous.", "I used to dream\nthat Tony would be spontaneous like this.", "Okay, I'm in. And I'm also spontaneous.", "I wish I hadn't done that.", "Kids, morals usually come\nat the end of stories,", "but this one is so important,\nI'm gonna tell you now.", "Don't ever, ever invite\nan ex to your wedding.", "If someone had given me that advice,\nwell, it would have changed everything.", "Come on, you've got to come.\nIt's my wedding.", "I can't. I'm in Tokyo.", "It's my first week on the job.\nI can't just take off.", "Plus, I'm finally doing serious news.", "Robin was doing serious news.", "It was the number one English\nnews network in Japan.", "Of course, the news\nis a little different over there.", "The Federal Reserve Board voted\nto leave interest rates unchanged.", "It's my wedding. You have to be there.", "Okay. Okay. I'll be there. I gotta go.", "Good evening.", "And I'm Robin Scherbatsky.", "Peace talks were stalled once again\nin the Middle East.", "Despite a promising start\nto the latest negotiations,", "talks foundered on security issues.", "She's in.\n- Yes.", "All right, Ted,\nyour bachelor party, tonight.", "I have got three of the most", "physically and morally flexible\nexotic dancers you've ever seen...", "Can't. There's no time.\n- Okay, I'll let you know how it goes.", "Marshall, we should really\nrent the cars for tomorrow, huh?", "Sure.", "What?\n- No \"Don't get married, Ted\"?", "No \"You're making a big mistake, Ted\"?", "Barney Stinson, are you no longer\ncommitted to the war on marriage?", "No, I just know a hopeless cause\nwhen I see it.", "It's the same reason I don't recycle.", "Plus, Ted getting married\nis in my best interest. You see,", "lately I've been working on a problem\nof the utmost importance.", "I confess I was stumped.", "Until one night I decided\nto tackle it once and for all.", "Then, at last, I cracked the code.", "So you're back on Robin.\n- Hopefully.", "I mean, this weekend\nis the best chance ever", "to hook up with her again.", "You'll never pull it off.\nThere's too many distractions.", "The first drunk bridesmaid you see,", "you'll have your head under her dress\nlike an old-time photographer.", "Lily, don't cheapen this.", "I don't want to sound\nall mushy-gushy and romantic,", "but this weekend,\nRobin is the only woman I'm banging.", "And so,\nthe day before our wedding,", "Stella and I made the trip\nup to Shelter Island.", "With everyone else not far behind.", "Zitch dog.\n- Zitch dog.", "This isn't exactly\nwhere I pictured Ted getting married.", "\"The Namast\u00e9 Yoga\nand Meditation Collective. \"", "I don't know about you guys, but\nnama-stay here any longer than I have to.", "All right, sweetie, go check in\nwith that dirty hippie over there", "and we'll get some drinks.", "So, what Scotches you got?", "Here at the Center,\nwe have a very strict no-alcohol policy.", "Great, and all the meals\nare included, right?", "Yep, and they're all 100% vegan.", "No. I need alcohol.\nI'm not gonna get Robin with this stuff.", "Look at this.\n\"Berry Blaster Brain Revitalizer. \"", "My God, some of these drinks\ncould actually make a girl smarter.", "What sort of hell has Ted brought us to?", "There's no meat.\n- There's no alcohol.", "It gets worse.", "I'm 90% sure that guy\nyou were talking with", "used to be lead singer of the Spin Doctors.", "Hey, guys,\nStella and I have a little problem.", "All the programs look great.", "I mean, it's not our names on the front,\nbut otherwise, really nice.", "Hey, I talked to Robin.", "She's running a little bit late,\nbut she'll be here just under the wire.", "You invited Robin?\n- Yeah, of course.", "You never told me that.\nI'm not sure how I feel about that.", "Can I help? You feel glad.", "But you like Robin.\n- Yeah, but she's your ex-girlfriend.", "It's weird.\n- It's not weird.", "It is weird.", "You don't get what it's like for a bride\nto see her groom's ex at their wedding.", "Stella.", "Your new husband used to nail me,\nlike, three times a day.", "Having exes around...", "I don't know,\nit brings up unresolved things.", "How do you know that that spark won't\ncome back with your ex sitting out there?", "Come on, we're just friends. Plus,\nRobin and I already had our backslide,", "last Thanksgiving, not even that long ago.", "Did you place a large bet against yourself\nin this argument?", "She already got her ticket.", "Ted, it's important to me. I mean,\nI would never invite Lucy's dad.", "I wouldn't care if you did.\nTony's great. Let's invite him, too.", "No, Tony is the last person\nI want at our wedding, okay?", "And Robin is a close second.", "Robin's probably about to get on the plane.", "Plus, she left a really important job\nfor this.", "Spurred by environmental concerns\nand high gasoline prices,", "sales of hybrid vehicles\nhave risen 11% over the previous year.", "What should I do?", "I don't know.\nI kind of get the \"no exes\" thing.", "Why ask a failed romance\nto come and watch your successful one?", "You know, it's like inviting the\nSeattle Mariners to a World Series game.", "It's just weird for everyone.", "What? No. Robin has to come.\n- Right. She's like my best friend.", "Hey!\n- Whoa!", "Female friend. My best female friend.", "Hey! Whoa! I don't care. Why fake it?", "Dude, Robin has to be here.\n- She shouldn't come.", "What are you...\n- Justice Aldrin, tie-breaking vote.", "Okay, wouldn't feel right without Robin.\nBut you don't mess with the bride.", "I'm gonna tell her not to come.", "No, Ted.\n- It's the right decision, Ted.", "This is gonna be, like,\nthe worst phone conversation of all time.", "Ted, Ted, Ted. Co-best man, I'm on it.", "Hello?\n- Robin, where are you?", "Just heading to the airport.", "Okay, we'll see you soon.\nHave a great flight.", "Bad news. I couldn't reach her.\nRobin's already on her way.", "Okay, Robin's on her way.\nYou know what? I'm glad.", "Exes should be allowed\nto come to weddings.", "I'll just tell Stella she's got to deal with it.", "I think you need to be more delicate\nwith Stella about this whole Robin thing.", "What do you mean by delicate?", "Brides are under a lot of stress\nbefore a wedding.", "I mean, of course,\nI held it together pretty well.", "You don't remember?", "The florist just told me the roses are more\nlight medium pink than medium pink.", "Light medium pink! Everything's ruined.", "Our wedding site uses a gravity furnace\ninstead of forced-air heating.", "That's the one thing I cared about.\nWhy are we even getting married?", "Blobbity-blah. Wickity-wah.\nEeky, eeky, eeky, eeky whee!", "After a while, it's all noise.", "Poor Stella's had to jam months of crazy\ninto just three days.", "So what do I do?", "You wait for the next crisis,\nyou solve it, you're a hero.", "Then you bring up the Robin thing,\nbut this time she'll say yes.", "Yeah, but what if there's no next crisis?", "She's a bride. There will be a next crisis.", "There's a next crisis.\n- Awesome! What is it?", "My daughter, my own daughter\nisn't coming to our wedding.", "What?", "Tony's supposed\nto drive her up tomorrow,", "but now he's being all petty about me\ngetting married, and he won't do it.", "It's been five years.\nWhy can't we just move on already?", "So first thing tomorrow\nI drive down, talk to him,", "get him to let me drive Lucy up,\nthen, boom, crisis solved.", "Stella's happy.\nRobin comes to the wedding.", "Hey. You Barney?\n- Yes.", "I hear you're a real man whore,\nso listen up.", "Tomorrow night I want to do things\nso dirty and so depraved", "that I forget that this\nwas supposed to be my wedding.", "I'm kind of here with someone.\n- Bring her.", "You're never going to make it.", "So,\nthe morning of my wedding day,", "I made the trip back\nto Tony's house to get Lucy.", "Hey!\n- Tony!", "Doing a little karate?", "Sorry, sorry, man.\nYou just set off my internal defense alarm.", "You got to watch these things.\nStay alert, stay alive.", "Right.\n- So what brings you here?", "I thought you'd be off\nin some honeymoon suite", "with my woman right now.", "Not yet. Soon.\n- That's right, tonight's the night.", "Yeah! Man,\nyou are going to be sticking it", "to the mother of my child.", "Actually, I've already stuck it to her\nplenty of times.", "Why do I always have to correct people?\n- Man, you and Stella.", "You lucky dog. I could just...", "I'm so happy for you guys.", "Yeah. Hey, listen. Here's the thing. Lucy...", "You can't take her.\n- Tony, stop.", "Look, this is a big day for Lucy, too.", "You're going to have to put aside\nyour own issues", "and think about what's best for her here.\nWhether you like it or not,", "she really should be at her mother's\nwedding. So, I'm taking Lucy with me.", "You're right, man. You're right.", "I'm sorry. I'm sorry.\nIt's just, seeing you guys,", "it's made me realize\neverything I had.", "Hey, hey, hey. Let's stop hugging.", "I'm sorry.\nIt's just, Lucy means the world to me.", "And I feel like I'm losing her\nto this new family,", "a family I'm not even a part of.\n- Come on, sure you are.", "No, I'm not.\nI wasn't even invited to the wedding.", "Well, you are now.", "Thank you!", "Road trip.", "Right?", "Road trip two, back in the car.", "So, today's the day. You hydrating?", "Dear female, thank you\nfor your interest in Barney Stinson.", "Your back is going to look\nlike a Jackson Pollock.", "I regret to inform you that at this time...", "I was a vegan for two years. I need meat.", "...there are currently\nno positions available.", "I'm a yoga instructor.\nEvery position is available.", "Your room, 20 minutes. No foreplay.", "I'm not going to make it, am I?\n- Not a chance.", "Okay, just remember,\nlet me talk to Stella first, okay?", "Mommy! Mommy! Ted invited Daddy!", "Hi, sweetie. I missed you.\nGive me just a sec, okay?", "Hey.\n- Hey, Tony.", "Hey.\n- You invited Tony?", "To our wedding?", "Ted, we talked about this.\nNo exes at our wedding.", "Why would you do this?\n- Boy, what did Ted do this time?", "Ted, what is Robin doing here?\nI thought I made myself clear.", "No exes at our wedding.", "To be fair, your ex is here.\n- You invited him!", "Come on, it's not weird.\n- It is weird.", "It's like things are not finished\nbetween you two.", "And Tony...\nI can't deal with Tony right now.", "Can you please go out there\nand tell him to leave?", "You can make me the bad guy.", "I'll go talk to Robin\nso she knows it's nothing personal.", "Okay.", "And, kids, if I had just let Stella\ntalk to Robin,", "this whole story\nmight have ended differently.", "I understand.", "I get it.", "For the first time,\nTed and Stella Mosby.", "And that's\nhow I met your mother.", "Blah, blah, blah.\nIs your dad finally done yakking?", "Now, come on, who wants ice cream?", "But I didn't.", "Look, can you talk to Tony?", "Robin flew all the way here from Tokyo.\nI should talk to her.", "Sure.\n- Okay.", "Hi.\n- Hey.", "Sorry about running off like that.\n- It's okay.", "You would not believe the trip I just had.\nI was on a plane for almost a full day.", "But it is worth it to see you get married.", "How could I not be here...\n- You can't come to the wedding.", "Thank God.\n- What?", "Ted, it's weird.\n- It's not weird.", "It is weird. Do you know how it feels\nto be somebody's ex at their wedding?", "Robin.\n- Stella.", "Suck it, bitch. I win.", "We broke up over a year ago.\n- Yeah, but that's not that long ago.", "Watching you marry another woman", "isn't exactly something\nI was looking forward to.", "I don't know, I just thought\nif I ever changed my mind", "about marriage and kids, it was...\nIt was nice to know that you were there.", "So, I was your safety school.\nHow flattering.", "That's not it. It's just that...", "Why are you bringing any of this up?\nThere's nothing between us anymore.", "Well, maybe there is.\nI mean, of course, there is.", "That kind of stuff just doesn't disappear\nwithout a trace.", "Look, I'm not just another guest here, Ted.", "Right. We used to date,\nbut we both moved on.", "And, look, we got what we wanted.\nI'm getting married.", "You got your dream job in Tokyo.", "And they all lived happily ever...\n- I quit my job.", "You what?\n- I'm moving back to New York.", "I thought I wanted that job, but\nI want to come back to my real life.", "And I think you should go back to yours.\n- What's that supposed to mean?", "Don't get married.\nLook, you're rushing into this.", "It's like you're trying to skip ahead\nto the end of the book.", "Ted, you're the most romantic guy I know.", "You stole a blue French horn for me.\nYou tried to make it rain.", "I did make it rain.\n- It was a coincidence.", "But after all that, this is how your\ngreat romantic quest comes to an end?", "You're just disappearing\ninto someone else's wedding,", "someone else's house, someone else's life\nwithout a second thought.", "That's not the amazing ending\nthat you deserve.", "That's not Ted Mosby.", "I love Stella.", "She's the one. If you really feel that way,", "I guess it's a good thing\nyou're not coming to the wedding after all.", "Big fight?\n- Yeah.", "Here, it's on the house.", "Just keep them coming.", "Oh, God, do not keep them coming.", "Hey, Robin.\n- Barney. I am having a horrible day.", "I snuck some Scotch in\nfrom the duty-free store.", "You want to join me?", "Yeah, yeah. Let's go to your room.\nFar away from this room.", "And we can knock it back.\n- They didn't get me a room.", "I was actually hoping I could stay with you.", "No problem.\nI just have to straighten up little bit.", "I've got some clothes on the floor, and...", "A naked girl tied to your headboard.\n- Towels all over the bathroom. It's a mess.", "So, anyway, give me 10 minutes\nto get the place in order...", "See you, Barney.", "I...", "She...", "Okay, let's do this.", "Who the hell is that?", "It's the girl from the front desk.", "Lovers, they try", "They try to whip the stars into compliance", "Kids, sometimes you think\nyou're living out one story,", "but the truth turns out to be\nsomething else entirely.", "Don't want to knock the\nplanets out of alignment", "At the time, I thought the story was about\nwhether Robin should be at the wedding.", "You're gonna wait a long time", "Wait a long time", "If only I'd understood\nwhat the real story was.", "If you're looking for an invitation", "Having exes around... I don't know,\nit brings up unresolved things.", "You're never gonna get one", "How do you know that\nthat spark won't come back", "with your ex sitting out there?", "It's like things are not finished\nbetween you two.", "I wasted years trying to get Lucy's dad\nto decide he was ready for this.", "Seeing you guys,\nit's made me realize everything I had.", "I used to dream\nthat Tony would be spontaneous like this.", "Wait a long time, wait a long time", "Seriously, kids,\nnever invite an ex to your wedding."], "How I Met Your Mother S04E06 Happily Ever After": ["Kids,\nthe day you get married", "is supposed to be\nthe happiest day of your life.", "The perfect ending to a perfect love story.", "My wedding, at least my first wedding,\ndidn't go so well.", "Say that I'm changed", "Say I'm different", "Maybe I finally understand", "Say I've let go", "It's funny, looking back on it now.\nI was so sure Stella was the one.", "And when she left me,\nI was so devastated.", "But you guys got me through it.\nAnd now the painful part's over.", "I've come out the other side\na little bit stronger.", "You know, I hardly\neven think about her anymore.", "That's what time does, I guess.", "Ted, the wedding was yesterday.\nIt's been 24 hours.", "I know. And this is me moving on.", "A great new chapter of my life\nbegan today, and we're gonna celebrate.", "Right now, we need two things.\nWe need Kool and we need the Gang.", "It's jukebox time, huh?", "I look at that young man", "popping and locking his way\nover to the jukebox", "and I think to myself, \"You know,\nmaybe Stella made the right call. \"", "Ow! Pain.", "What? How is he dancing right now?", "He should be smashing up Stella's car\nwith a sledgehammer.", "Hypothetical.\nTed isn't pretending to be happy.", "Ted really is happy. He never wanted\nto get married in the first place.", "Ted just pulled off the greatest\ntrain dodge since Stand by Me.", "Well, not the first kid, but the other kids.", "No, he is in bad shape.", "What's up?", "Really bad shape.\nAnd we need to be there for him.", "But as much as my friends\nreally wanted to be there for me,", "I was, by all appearances, fine.", "Hey, buddy.\n- Want to hang out?", "Guys, I'm fine.", "Hey, pal, you want to have a catch?\n- I'm fine.", "Hey, kiddo.\n- Barney, I'm fine.", "This is not necessary,\nand it's actually kind of weird.", "No offense, ladies.\n- I did not realize you'd be home.", "Ladies, to the stairwell.", "Finally, after two weeks,\nthe inevitable emotions boiled over.", "Hey, you guys want to get some dinner?\n- Oh, shut up.", "I'm sorry, sweetie.", "It's just, Ted, you've been through\nsomething traumatic,", "and we're trying to be there for you\nas friends, but you're not letting us,", "and it's pissing us off,\nyou selfish bitch. Sorry.", "Look, we're just worried that you're not\ndealing with this whole Stella thing.", "Okay, now, do you remember\nwhen Lily left me?", "You remember how I held in my feelings?", "I miss her so much.", "Yeah, dude, you were a rock.", "Well, I should have been even worse,\nokay? I should have gotten mad.", "I should have taken your advice\nand set all of Lily's stuff on fire.", "Oh. Nice. Thanks, Ted.", "But I didn't, and I think that that's why\nit took me so long to get better.", "So, now, Ted, I want you to explode.", "Release the berserker. Okay, you ready?", "Now!", "I'm good.\nNo.", "Guys, get off his back. He's happy.", "Listen, if Ted were married right now,", "he'd be married,\nhe'd be living in New Jersey,", "and he'd be married.", "He's fine. Now, let's eat.\nHow about Flat Michael's?", "No, that's 44th and Lex. Can't do it.", "Why not?\n- It's too close to Stella's gym.", "Might run into her. Anywhere else, though.", "Okay, how about Hurley's?", "Right between Stella's office\nand her dry cleaners. No, sir.", "Well, what about Meatloaf Charlie's?", "Two blocks\nfrom Stella's mother's hairdressers.", "Well, jeez, Ted, is there anywhere\nin Manhattan we can go to dinner?", "Of course. Check this out.", "What you got there, Ted?\n- A little reference map I made for myself.", "A New York guide to places\nyou might run into Stella Zinman.", "Red areas are places to avoid.\nWhite areas are safe. Blue is water.", "That is just ridiculous.\n- Well, water is blue.", "You can't live that way.", "She leaves you at the altar\nand you're the one avoiding her?", "Yes, I'm avoiding her.", "What's the big deal? That's how we do it.", "Who's \"we\"? Gutless weenies?", "No, \"we\" is people\nfrom the great state of Ohio.", "When life gives us pain, we Buckeyes\ntake that pain and we push it down.", "And if the pain starts to come up again,\nwe push more pain down on top of it.", "Why confront something\nwhen you can avoid it, right?", "All I have to do is never see Stella again,\nand I'll live a long, happy life.", "Now, who wants to get something to eat?", "Oh. Somebody just told me about\na tapas place that's in the white zone.", "Great. Let's go there.", "You ready to order?\n- Not quite yet.", "Can we get some of\nthose almonds for the table?", "Certainly.", "Nice call, Lily. This place looks great.", "Who told you about it?\n- You know, I don't remember.", "Uh-oh.", "What?\n- I just remembered.", "Oh, my God. Oh, my God.\nOkay, okay, just be cool.", "We're just gonna have to deal with this.\nEveryone, follow my lead.", "Oh, you're kidding.\n- Is he serious?", "I am not getting under this table.\nI'd maybe get under that table.", "She's turning around.", "Think, think, think.", "Everyone, just stay here.\nI'm gonna go take a look.", "Marshall, go take a look.", "And will you need utensils?\n- No, I'm just going straight home.", "She's placing an order to go.", "Did she seem happy?\nDid she say anything about me?", "I don't care. I don't even care.\nWhere are those almonds?", "Gosh, where would Ted's nuts be?", "Hey, why don't you check\nthe vise in Stella's garage?", "Go yell at her.", "Ted, you may be from Ohio,\nbut you live in New York now.", "We don't push down\nour feelings in New York.", "We take our feelings and\nwe shove them in somebody else's face!", "Spare me, Lily.", "You'd be doing the same thing\nif you were in this situation.", "That's outrageous.", "There is not a person on Earth\nI would hide under a table from.", "Really, not a single person?\nNot even Gasser?", "How dare you mention that name to me.\n- Who's Gasser?", "He's the last person I'd want to see\nwalk through that door.", "Michael Sasser.\nHe's a guy I went to high school with.", "Michael sat next to me\nin freshman biology.", "He had been a bit of a loser\nall through middle school.", "But the summer before ninth grade,", "he grew 12 inches\nand joined the baseball team.", "He was right on the precipice\nof becoming one of the cool kids.", "Until one day...", "Lily, we've all been there.\nWhen you've ripped one, it's not pretty.", "What did you do?", "Are you kidding? This was ninth grade.\nI only had one choice.", "Oh, my God, Sasser. Fart much?", "No, it wasn't me. It was her.\n- Oh! As if, Sasser.", "More like Gasser.", "Gasser! Gasser! Gasser!\n- Gasser! Gasser! Gasser!", "No.\n- Gasser! Gasser! Gasser! Gasser!", "I'm on the baseball team. I'm cool.", "Gasser! Gasser!", "The nickname Gasser stuck.", "He got teased so much,\neventually he had to change schools.", "Kids are awesome.\n- I've always felt awful about that.", "But if Gasser... Michael\nwalked in right now,", "as hard as it would be,\nI would go up to Gasser... Michael", "and I would resolve things between us.", "Right, clear the air, as it were.", "Oh, man.", "Those don't come around often.\nY'all are welcome.", "Hey, are you guys okay?\n- Oh. Yeah.", "We're just gonna be eating down here\nif that's okay.", "What?\n- Well, here's your almonds.", "Oh. Thanks.", "You guys have any specials tonight?\n- Ted, this is ludicrous.", "Ted, I am a person who...\nWell, let's just face it.", "There are a lot of people\nI don't want to see,", "people of the chicks-I-banged persuasion.", "But if any of them were to walk in here,\nI would stand up", "and I would look them right in the eye.\nSome of them for the very first time.", "Really, you wouldn't hide from anyone?", "Uh-uh.", "Not even, say, Becca DeLucci?\n- You son of a bitch.", "Who's Becca DeLucci?\n- Do you mind?", "So, who is Becca DeLucci?", "Becca is just this girl who lives upstate.\nI used to visit her now and again.", "Mmm-hmm.\nWhere exactly upstate, Barney?", "Bedford Hills Federal Penitentiary.", "And yes, the visits\nwere of a conjugal nature.", "No. No way, really?\n- Really.", "And what I had with Becca\nwas a perfect relationship.", "She was only allowed, by law,\nto call me once a week.", "If she ever got clingy,\nthe armed guards stopped her.", "And I never had to pay for dinner.\nWell, that's not true. I pay taxes.", "Then again, I guess we all paid for dinner.\nThanks a lot, guys.", "Anyway, the last time I visited,\nI kind of screwed things up.", "I know it's hard, baby,\nbut I'm in a prison, too.", "A prison of my own heart.", "Is that room ready yet or what?\nCan we... Tick-tock.", "Barney, you're the only thing\nthat's keeping me going here.", "That's what I'm here for, baby.\nI'm your rock.", "I'm... Oh, my God. Hello, strange.", "Hi, Barney Stinson, attorney at law.\nLet's talk about getting you off.", "Oh, hell, no!", "Whoa!", "Ooh.", "Now I get letters from Becca and she's all,", "\"I'm coming to get you\nthe day I get out of here.", "\"I'm gonna hang your eyes\nfrom my rearview mirror. \"", "Women, huh?", "See? You're scared of Becca.\nLily's scared of Gasser.", "We're staying under the table.", "We don't have to. Stella's gone.\n- Oh, my gosh.", "There, all done,\nand that's how we do it Ohio-style.", "Problem showed up. We avoided it.\nIt went away.", "Now we can enjoy our meal in peace...", "She's back.", "Ted, we all think that you need...\nWait, where's Barney?", "Ted, we all think\nthat you need to go talk to her.", "I don't.\n- What?", "Yeah, if the last person I wanted to see\nwalked through the door,", "I wouldn't say a damn word.", "Really?\n- And who's that?", "My father.", "You guys, that other table is off the hook.", "What are we talking about?\n- Robin's dad.", "I haven't spoken to him in three years", "and I don't intend to start now.\n- Why?", "It goes back\nto the day I was born.", "You give me my son now. Push.", "Oh, no.", "Oh, no.", "He wanted a son and the fact\nthat I was a girl didn't change his plan.", "What do you mean?", "My full legal name is\nRobin Charles Scherbatsky, Jr.", "And it only gets worse from there.", "When I was eight,\nhe took me hunting for the first time.", "I don't want to shoot a deer.\n- Nonsense, R.J.", "Shooting deer is the noblest of pursuits.\n- But they're cute.", "You said the same thing about our rabbits.\nRemember how delicious they were?", "Over the years, as my body developed...\n- Hold on a sec.", "Sorry, go on.", "It became harder and harder for him\nto pretend I was a boy.", "The lowest moment came\nwhen I turned 14.", "My peewee hockey team\nhad just won the Squamish invitational", "and everyone came back\nto my house to celebrate.", "You lads availed yourself splendidly\nout there on the ice.", "Splendidly. You go on outside.", "I'll come back with an assortment\nof soft drinks and American pretzels.", "Hey, I can't believe you missed\nthat last empty-netter, you hoser.", "You're the hoser.\n- No, you're the hoser.", "What are you doing?", "You're teammates, hockey players.", "Teammates don't kiss!\nHockey players don't kiss!", "Oh, my God.", "I have no son.", "You poor thing.", "To have to grow up in Canada\nwith America right there.", "That sucks about your dad, Robin,\nbut congratulations on that game.", "And Kyle and I\nweren't even doing anything serious.", "We only went to the blue line.\n- The blue line?", "Yeah, you know how when you're a kid,\nyou put everything into hockey terms?", "The blue line is kissing,\nthe red line is getting naked,", "and I think \"in the crease\"\nspeaks for itself.", "Anyway, after that, my relationship\nwith my dad pretty much went north.", "I moved in with my mom,\ngrew my hair out,", "became a Canadian pop star.\nYou know, normal teen stuff.", "Don't you think it would feel better\nto talk to him about all this?", "No, that's the point.\nIt wouldn't solve anything.", "It's in the past. It's done.\nI mean, what would I even say to him?", "\"I wish you hadn't raised me as a boy?", "\"I wish you hadn't taught me how to hunt", "\"and fish and smoke cigars\nand drink Scotch", "\"because that's not what girls do.", "\"And you know,\nthe reason I throw like a girl, Dad,", "\"is because I am a girl. \"", "You've held on to that\nfor a long time, huh?", "Yeah.", "It really messed you up.", "Yeah.", "That sucks.\n- I'm sorry.", "That's hot.", "And then I realized...", "All of my friends were haunted,", "but there was a difference\nbetween my ghost and theirs.", "It wasn't too late for me.", "I'm gonna go talk to her.\n- All right, bud.", "She's gone. I'm going after her.\n- Go, go.", "There she goes! Taxi!", "Okay, I see her.\nShe's two cabs ahead on the right.", "Just stay with her, okay?", "Finally. Finally, you're doing this.\nYou're gonna confront her.", "Yes, I am gonna confront her.\n- Yeah.", "This is so exciting.\n- Totally.", "What are you going to say?", "I'm gonna say, \"Stella,\nI'm sorry things didn't work out. \"", "No!\n- Yes.", "We're going to talk about this like adults.", "She can tell me her side\nand I'm going to listen.", "Probably should have done\na little more of that before.", "Driver, can you run us\ninto the nearest lamppost?", "Everyone, buckle up. Not you, Ted.", "Ted, Ted, you gotta get mad right now.\nCome on. Dig deep.", "Dude, come on.\nThis isn't about me waving my arms,", "stamping my feet, and getting really mad.", "This is about Stella and I\nfinally communicating.", "I mean, clearly, that was...\n- Stella hated Star Wars.", "She lied to you.", "Search your feelings, Ted.\nYou know it to be true.", "Well, that's her business.\n- Come on, Ted. She left you at the altar.", "I don't understand!\n- Ted, in the name of all that is sacred...", "Wait, wait, wait!", "Where is she going? Her cab just missed\nthe turn for the Lincoln Tunnel.", "Why would anybody buy takeout food", "and bring it all the way back\nto New Jersey anyway?", "Maybe she's going to her office.\n- No.", "The waiter asked her,\n\"And will you need utensils?\"", "And then she said,\n\"No, I'm just going straight home. \"", "But if she's going home,\nwhy are we still heading...", "Oh, my God.", "Tony lives downtown.\nHome is Tony's apartment.", "She was gonna make me\nmove to New Jersey,", "and then she moves into the city\nwith Tony?", "Son of a bitch!\n- Finally. Finally, buddy.", "I am so angry right now!\n- I know, and I love it!", "Yeah, that is awesome!", "Sir, we'd be happy to cover\nthe cost of that window crank.", "I love angry Ted!\n- So do I!", "Let it out, baby. Let it out.\n- She's stopping.", "It is on. It is on!\n- Yes, Ted.", "Go get her, buddy!\n- Go get rid of your demons!", "My leg is asleep!", "Okay, wait, wait, wait. Wait, hold on.\n- Lily, what are you doing?", "No, no, no. This is all right, hold on.", "Look, Ted, it's great\nthat you're angry right now...", "It sure is.\n- Yes.", "And that you're finally dealing with this,\nbut you only get one shot here.", "Let's just take a beat\nand think about what you're gonna say.", "I know exactly what I'm gonna say.\nYeah.", "You picked the wrong guy.", "Ted.", "You picked the wrong guy.", "You made a really, really,\nreally bad choice.", "What were you thinking? That guy?\nAre you kidding me?", "Have you learned nothing\nin the last eight years?", "You're just gonna regret this.\nYou know that, right?", "You are going to regret this,", "and now\nthere is nothing you can do about it", "because it's too late.", "All you can do now is go up there\nand start your crappy, disappointing life", "that will never be nearly as happy\nas the one you could have had with me.", "Goodbye.", "Ted, wait.\n- Look, Stella,", "I am not here to win you back.", "I am here because I need to know\nthat you know", "you made the biggest mistake of your life.\n- I know.", "Good.", "That's what I'm gonna say.", "Cold-blooded.\n- Yeah, that's good.", "Go say that.", "Thanks.", "So I got out of the cab,\nready to say all of that stuff,", "ready to explode, but then...", "Mommy!\nHey.", "Hi, sweetie.\nMe first. Me first.", "It all just went away.", "And that was it.\nIn that moment, I wasn't angry anymore.", "I could see Stella\nwas meant to be with Tony.", "Kids, you may think your only choices\nare to swallow your anger", "or throw it in someone's face.", "But there's a third option,\nyou can just let it go.", "And only when you do that\nis it really gone,", "and you can move forward.", "And that, kids, was the perfect ending\nto a perfect love story.", "It just wasn't mine.\nMine was still out there waiting for me."], "How I Met Your Mother S04E07 Not a Fathers Day": ["I am not impressed\nwith the talent in here tonight.", "And the more I drink,\nthe less attractive they get.", "I'm one Scotch and soda away\nfrom the cantina scene in Star Wars.", "What about those girls over there?\nThey're hot.", "They're not hot.\n- Are you kidding?", "I hated their guts the second I saw them.\nWhich means they're hot.", "In fact, I hated them almost as much as\nI hated Robin when I first met her.", "You hated me?\n- A lot.", "Aw.", "Barney, they're hot.", "Oh, there is so much to teach you all.", "You have just become victims of\nthe cheerleader effect.", "Glad you asked. The cheerleader effect", "is when group of women seems hot\nbut only as a group.", "Just like with cheerleaders.", "They seem hot,\nbut take each one of them individually?", "Sled dogs.\n- That's insane.", "Take a good, hard look\nat each one of those girls.", "Individually.", "I don't know.\nThe one on the end is kind of cute.", "Yeah, she really is.", "And that, my friends,\nis the cheerleader effect.", "Also known as the bridesmaid paradox,", "sorority girl syndrome,\nand for a brief window in the mid-90s,", "the Spice Girls conspiracy.\nScary Spice indeed.", "Barney Stinson. Hi. Okay. Got it.", "Great, we'll be in touch.", "Hah.", "What?\n- Apparently, I'm gonna be a dad.", "What do you mean, you're gonna be a dad?\nHow did this happen?", "It was just some girl I hooked up with\na few weeks back.", "She's not sure. She's gonna go\nto the doctor in the morning.", "Maybe it's a false alarm.\nMaybe she's not pregnant.", "Lily, no part of Barney Stinson\ndoes anything less than 110 percent.", "If one of my little Michael Phelpses\ngot loose, he's swimming for the gold.", "This is a nightmare. I don't want kids.", "Who in their right mind\nwould ever want kids?", "Now, when you turn 30 and you're", "in a couple, a strange thing happens.", "You start to see babies everywhere.", "Oh, come on.", "Yes, Marshall and Lily\nwere coming down with baby fever.", "And their new neighbors weren't helping.", "Did you lose a sock there, little dude?", "That is without a doubt\nthe cutest little thing I've ever seen.", "There's my little peanut.", "That night they sat down to have a serious,", "practical discussion about having kids.", "So, if we have a baby,\ndo you think you could work fewer hours?", "Doesn't matter. He's gonna be so cute,\nI'm gonna eat him up on the first day.", "Okay. But what about money?\nWe're still in a ton of debt.", "Well, we'll count our overdue bills\non his teenie, tiny fingers.", "Let's have a baby.", "Oh, right now? Oh, okay.", "There was just one thing in their way.", "Scootch over, I TiVo'd The View.", "And that thing happened to be\nunemployed and sleeping on their couch.", "So, Robin,\nhow's the job and apartment search going?", "Oh, you didn't hear?\nI'm the lead anchor on CNN.", "And I got a penthouse\noverlooking Central Park made of gold.", "Get your head out of your ass, Marshall.", "They realized if they were going to start\na family, they had to plan ahead.", "So, Robin, would you mind crashing\nat Ted's tomorrow night?", "I'm cooking Marshall a special dinner.", "Just dinner. That's it. Nothing else.\nFine.", "But you better not be\nas uptight as these idiots", "about me shooting beer cans on the roof.", "\"Oh, it hurts my ears.\nThe neighbors called the cops.", "\"You almost hit me. \"", "Enjoy her, Ted.\nShe's in a real good place right now.", "God, it's me, Barney. What up?", "I know we don't talk much,", "though a lot of girls\ncall out your name because of me.", "Awesome. But, God,", "if you could get me out of this,", "I swear I will never ever,\never, ever, ever, ever, ever...", "I...", "Ooh! Hang on, bro. Go for Barney.", "Really?", "Marshall, great news! I'm not a father!\n- Congratulations, buddy.", "This is the happiest moment of my life,\nMarshall.", "The way I feel about not having kids?", "I never knew\nI could love something this much.", "That's why I'm creating a holiday.", "From now on, today will be known\nas \"Not a Father's Day. \"", "Wow. You're creating a holiday?", "Yeah, why not? Everyone else gets a day.\nMothers, fathers, Bastilles.", "Why can't there be a day for people\nwho are single and like it that way?", "Well, now you just sound like\nthe chubby girl on Valentine's Day.", "Hello, Stinson.\n- Hey, Nolan. How are the kids?", "You ready for tonight, Eriksen?\nBig merger.", "Well, that's between me and my wife, sir.", "No. The meeting with Mr. Li. Tonight.", "I thought that was a breakfast meeting.\n- It is. Breakfast in China.", "We're teleconferencing with the Chinese.\nI'm counting on you, kid.", "Marshall?\n- Hey, babe.", "It's breakfast time in China.\n- Yeah, it is.", "Not a euphemism. Look, I...", "Wait, what would that even mean?\n- I don't know, hot buns, spicy pork?", "There's something there.\nYou're not coming home tonight, are you?", "Are you shaking your head no?", "I thought so.", "Thank you, guys,\nfor coming over so fast.", "Yeah, are you all right?\nYou sounded upset on the phone.", "Marshall and I made this big decision\nto have dinner.", "And I thought I was ready to have dinner.", "But then he called and canceled,\nand it got me thinking.", "Is it too early for us to have dinner?", "Well, I had an early lunch,\nso I'm ready for dinner.", "Dinner is a baby!\n- Lily, that's horrible!", "No, no, I need you guys\nto figure something out for me.", "What?\n- Are Marshall and I ready to have a baby?", "So are Marshall and I ready\nto have a baby or not?", "Lily, we can't make this decision for you.", "It's huge.\n- You know what else is huge?", "Marshall's head. That thing's the size\nof a late August watermelon.", "Marshall's baby coming through there?", "What does Marshall think?", "Probably a lot in that 1950s space helmet\nof a head he's walking around with.", "Marshall's really excited.", "But I think he only sees\nwhat's cute about having a baby,", "not what's hard about it.", "Like the other day, while Marshall\nwas playing with baby Jeremy,", "I was talking to Jeremy's mom.", "Thanks so much for inviting us over.", "I have not talked to another adult in,\nlike, weeks.", "Well, besides my husband.\nBut \"It's your turn to change him\"", "and \"Make him shut up\"\nreally doesn't count as conversation.", "Sorry, I'm rambling.\nI haven't gotten laid in seven months.", "Oh! I just did it again! Sleep deprivation!", "Wait, I'm not crying, am I? I usually am.\nI don't mean to complain. Now I feel bad!", "Oh! There's my little peanut!\nI love you so much!", "I'm going to be as strung out as Charlotte.\nWorse actually.", "At least her husband works from home.", "I mean, he's a pot dealer,\nbut he's a very involved parent.", "Marshall will be a great dad.\n- Marshall's always at the office,", "and I'm afraid that if we have a baby now,\nall the work will fall on me.", "You're just panicking\nand focusing on the downside.", "I think Lily's just being realistic.\n- See, this is good.", "This is why\nI called you guys both over here.", "Ted, you're pro kids.\nRobin, you're against.", "Counselors, opening statements.", "Okay, I know you're afraid\nthat you're not ready.", "But no one ever thinks they're ready.\nYou just have to take the leap.", "Parenthood will come naturally.", "Well, of course you think\nit comes naturally.", "You're basically a dad already.\n- You're a total dad.", "What are you talking about?\n- Ted, think about it.", "You tell super corny dad jokes.", "Shredded tweet!", "Man! Shredded tweet.", "You lecture us, like when we broke\nyour stupid ship in a bottle.", "I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed.", "She did it!\n- Shut up!", "And you do that thing\nall dads do with waitresses.", "Hi, I'm Lori.\nI'll be your waitress this evening.", "Hi, Lori, I'm Ted.\nI'll be your customer this evening.", "Hey, Lori, before you go, tell me,", "what do you get when you\ncross a canary with a lawn mower?", "No hints. No hints.", "She's right.\nTed, you may be single and childless,", "but you're totally a dorky dad.", "I don't think I like your tone, young lady.", "Marshall, Not a Father's Day is a hit!", "Laraby and Finklestein\nare helping me celebrate. Check it.", "\"World's Greatest Not a Dad\" mugs.", "There's\n\"Who's Not Your Daddy?\" T-shirts.", "Both available at NotAFathersDay. com.", "Oh. Check out the greeting cards.", "\"For everything you do for yourself,\nfor all the Scotch upon your shelf.", "\"Your Porsche Carrera rules the freeway.\nHere's wishing you an all-night three-way.", "\"Happy Not a Father's Day. \"\n- Check out the illustration.", "No, no.", "Oh.", "It appears to be some sort of Asian hooker.", "Yes. Because on Not a Father's Day,", "you get a Thai you'd actually wear.\nWordplay five!", "She's really kicking your ass here, Mosby.", "Your only hope is to go negative.\n- Okay.", "I'll tell you why\nmy opponent is saying all this.", "Three words, scared of babies.\n- What? That is crazy.", "I am not.\n- Yeah?", "Remember that time\nyou met my cousin and her kid?", "Oh, she is so cute.", "Aw!", "Oh. Do you want to hold her?", "Aw.", "Or the baby shower Lily threw\nfor her friend Erika?", "Are you letting that baby sniff you?\n- I don't want to get bitten.", "And don't forget about...", "Talking baby commercial?\n- Talking baby commercial.", "But you're not like that, Lily.\nYou love kids and they love you.", "Yes, I'm loveable, pretty and wise,\nbut is it enough?", "Look, it all comes down to one word. You.", "Are you ready to put\nyour own dreams on the back burner?", "Grad school,\nteaching art at the college level?", "Look, you need to focus on Project Lily\nbefore you can start Project Baby.", "If you don't, you'll always regret it.", "And that wouldn't be fair to you\nor the baby.", "What's that?\n- It's Jeremy's sock.", "I'm having a baby.", "But what about all the things I just said?\n- But... But sock.", "But what about Marshall\nworking all the time?", "But sock.", "But Project Lily!\n- Little fishies on it.", "We made all of these arguments, and a\nsock is what makes your decision for you?", "I guess that was the sock-out punch,\nhuh, Robin?", "Shut up, Dad.\n- You shut up, baby hater.", "Babies are scary, okay?\nThey have giant eyes.", "And then, come on, the soft spot?\nIf there's gonna be a self-destruct button,", "at least hide it somewhere\nit won't accidentally get pressed.", "Where's Lily?", "Hey, did you drink any of this?", "Not a drop.\n- Me, neither.", "Eriksen, meeting in five minutes.", "And you'd better bring\nyour A-game for Mr. Li.", "That guy haunts my nightmares.\nAnyway, have fun out there, kid.", "Put a baby in me, Marshall. I'm ready.", "Lily. Lily, what are you doing here?\n- I'm ready, Marshall. Tonight's the night.", "Put your melon-headed spawn in my belly.", "What?\n- Yeah. Come on, right now.", "Baby me. I am ready. Hey, look.", "The guys in the next building\nare waving at me.", "Hello, gentlemen!\nWe're gonna make a baby!", "I can't believe we lost her.", "See, this is exactly why\nI'm never having kids.", "You can't let them out of your sight\nfor even a second.", "I can't find my file.\n- I pulled out A through G.", "They just sit there\nwith their stupid bottles.", "They cry.", "They spit up.", "And that's why kids suck.\n- Wow, it is a good thing we broke up.", "I forgot how totally psycho you are\non the kids thing.", "I'm psycho?\nAny time you even hear the word \"kids,\"", "you get two little lactation stains\non your shirt.", "Thank God you're not a mom.\nYou are such an ice queen,", "any baby nursing from you\nwould get brain freeze.", "Look, don't paint me\nas some sort of a freak", "for wanting to remain independent.", "There are plenty of normal people\nout there who don't want to have kids.", "Brother, lay your hand on this\nbox of condoms and repeat after me.", "\"I,\" state the fake name\nyou give to women...", "I, Johnny Banana.", "\"... vow to always choose wet T-shirts\nover wet diapers. \"", "Vow to always...\n- Yeah, you're in great company there.", "I'm gonna look for Lily in the bathroom.", "While I'm in there, I'll grab you a tampon.\n- Great, great.", "And when you're done\nshaking off at the urinal,", "maybe you could ask the wizard\nto give you a heart.", "You know what? Maybe I should find\nsomewhere else to stay this weekend.", "No argument here.\n- Fine.", "Great.", "Welcome to our fraternity\nof non-paternity.", "He is one of us.", "Yeah!\n- Yeah!", "Gentlemen, Mr. Li,", "if you would all please open to page five\nof your merger documents.", "I think that you'll...", "Whoa!", "What is it, Eriksen?\n- Nothing.", "I just think that you look very nice today.", "What are you looking at?\n- I am looking at the future", "of our two companies,\nand it looks very naked.", "Would you excuse me\njust for a little, brief second?", "Did anyone else see the drunk chick?", "Hey, you guys didn't have to...\nIt's a picture of me with no kids.", "And there's macaroni glued on the frame.\nGuys, I love it.", "Well, Lily's not in there.", "Your phone rang. I answered it.\nI hope you don't mind.", "No.\n- Marshall's got Lily. She's fine.", "Oh, thank God.", "What?", "I was putting your phone back\nand I found something in your bag.", "I have a permit for that.\nAnd the other thing was a gift.", "No. This.", "You stole Jeremy's sock.\n- No, I didn't.", "I don't know how that got in there.\nIt must've fallen in. Weird!", "Fallen in?\n- Or Lily put it in there as a joke.", "That bitch be drunk.", "Okay, I took it.", "It's just so cute. Sock.", "Robin Scherbatsky, are you warming to\nthe idea of having children?", "No. I don't know.", "Maybe someday. When I'm, like, 70.\nScience will catch up.", "Look, I'm just... I'm confused lately.\nI'm unemployed, I'm living on a couch.", "Yeah. It's been a rough couple of months\nfor both of us.", "Hey, I have a spare bedroom.", "Why don't you stay with me\nwhile you look for a place?", "Really?\n- Yeah.", "Thanks, Ted. I already have some leads,\nso it'll be one week, two weeks tops.", "And that's how your Aunt Robin", "moved in with me.", "Roomies.", "I'm bored. Let's go dancing.", "Oh, let's rob a liquor store!\n- Lily, we're not going anywhere, okay?", "Whenever we go somewhere\nwhen you're drunk,", "you always fall asleep\nas soon as we get in the...", "We're going dancing!\nWe're gonna party all night long!", "Hey, can you circle the block\na couple of times", "just to make sure she's really down?\n- Sure thing.", "Latest Not a Father's Day brainstorm.", "A pregnancy test,\nbut instead of a little blue line,", "there's a little blue Barney going like this.", "Barney, Not a Father's Day is lame.\nIt's a holiday for losers.", "What are you talking about?\nThat's a great group of bros.", "Barney, it's the cheerleader effect.\n- No, Ted. That only works for chicks.", "Take a good look\nat each one of those guys, individually.", "These geniuses are not\nchildless by choice, my friend.", "Good night, Barney.\n- Good night.", "Sock.", "Do I smell chocolate chip pancakes?", "No, you smell chocolate chip \"I'm sorry\nI was such a drunk idiot\" pancakes.", "Is there any\n\"Wish I hadn't puked on your shirt\" bacon?", "There sure is.", "Baby.\n- I'm so sorry about last night.", "I know I was a mess.", "I just started freaking out\nabout whether we're ready to be parents.", "But you took such good care of me,\nI know you're gonna be a great dad.", "I don't want to be a dad right now.\n- What?", "Last night, it was just... Between\nbalancing work and drunk Baby Lily,", "it was too much.", "I'm just getting started at this job,\nand I'm working such long hours, I mean...", "Look, I love you. And I absolutely\nwant to have kids someday.", "I just... I want to be ready for it.", "Me, too. And whenever we are ready,", "I know you're gonna be amazing.\n- You, too.", "Hey, do you want to go have\ncompletely protected sex right now?", "I do.\n- Do you want to finish your bacon first?", "You are the perfect woman.", "And the cat's in the cradle\nand the silver spoon", "Little boy blue and the man in the moon", "\"When you coming home, Dad?\"\n\"I don't know when", "\"But we'll get together then, Son", "\"I know we'll have a good time then\""], "How I Met Your Mother S04E08 Woooo": ["Kids, in the fall of 2008,", "your aunt Robin was unemployed\nand a little bit adrift.", "So she valued her friendship with Lily\nmore than ever.", "Hey, so I hear Marshall has to work late\non Friday.", "You know what that means. Ladies' night.", "Oh, actually one of the teachers\nat my school, Jillian,", "is having a birthday party.\n- Oh, okay.", "What?", "It's just, I've never even heard\nof this Jillian person before,", "and suddenly she's like your best friend.\nYou can't shut up about her.", "Don't be jealous.\nYou and I hang out all the time.", "Yeah, but Marshall's always there.", "We don't get a lot of quality time to talk,\njust the two of us.", "That's not true.", "So that's when the story gets really good.", "So, we go to the...", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "...place. And then that guy\nasks about the thing with the stuff", "that I told you about\nat that place that time.", "Long story short, events transpired.", "Oh, my God.\nYou and the guy from the mayor's office", "did it in the UN building under the desk\nof the ambassador from Zaire? Nice.", "I just wish we could have some girl time.", "I love Marshall,\nbut he's always talk-blocking me.", "So come out with me and Jillian then.", "Okay, but I don't want to stay out\ntoo late because...", "Remember that thing\nlast month after I went to the place?", "Well, you-know-who said it's fine,\nbut she gave me some stuff.", "You still got that yeast infection, huh?", "Marshall,", "I want you to enjoy this moment.\n- What moment?", "The last moment of you and I\nbeing even slightly in competition", "for the title of Ted's best friend.", "Marshall's my best friend.\n- Exactly. It's a tie.", "But all of that is about to change.", "Ted, am I correct\nthat you are an architect?", "My best friend would really know that,\nbut go on.", "And what are you currently designing?", "Actually, we're renovating\nthe new York Public Library.", "Wow, Ted, that's huge!\n- No, not the New York Public Library.", "It's the new public library\nin York, North Dakota.", "Their books are in two sections,\nfishing and non-fishing.", "Then I think you are going to really like\nwhat happened at work today.", "And so, while those bribes\ndid destabilize the regime", "and caused the death\nof most of the royal family,", "it did lead to looser banking regulations\nin Rangoon.", "So yay us. Okay, last order of business.", "It's been decided we're going to move\nforward with plans", "for Goliath National Bank's\nnew downtown headquarters.", "Well, who's gonna design it?\n- Was my first question.", "Who's gonna design it?", "We've already approached one firm\nabout it.", "This Swedish architecture collective\ncalled Sven.", "Sven? Sven?", "Sven was this\nSwedish architecture collective", "revered for their bold, innovative designs.\nI hated those guys.", "I hate those guys.\nSwedish architecture collective.", "Lame.\n- Pretentious.", "\"We're not a company. We're a collective. \"", "I know.\n\"We are Swedish.", "\"We are so cool with our baguettes\nand our Eiffel Tower. \"", "Dude, Sweden's not France.\nYou know that, right?", "Oh, it's France.", "So anyway, I say to Bilson...", "Bilson, with all due respect...", "No, I stand up, and I say to Bilson...", "Bilson, with all due respect...", "Music. Imagine patriotic music playing.", "Bilson, with all due respect,\nit would be terrible", "if a job that could go to a hard-working\nAmerican architecture firm", "went to a bunch of French guys.", "Where is our patriotism?\nOur sense of country?", "Our love of all that is...\n- Look, Stinson,", "no one hates every other country\nin the world as much as I do,", "but you better have a point.\n- I do.", "I know a fantastic American architect\nwho would be perfect for the job.", "Ted Mosby.", "So, all you gotta do is come in,\npitch your design,", "I get the board to approve it,\nand the job is yours.", "Do you realize what a hero I would be\nif I brought this project to my firm?", "And that's not even the best part.", "All three of us\nare gonna be working together.", "Ted can be on the conference call.\n- He can totally be on the conference call.", "What's the conference call?\n- The way it works is,", "one of us will duck\ninto the other's office and say...", "Marshall,\nthe conference call's about to start.", "I'm sorry, guys. I gotta go.", "And then we go up\nto the roof of the building and drink beer.", "This is awesome.", "Drinking at work.\n- We're basically madmen.", "We are! We're such mad men!", "I'm gonna go smack a secretary on the ass.", "That's totally what they would do\non that show.", "What show?", "And then, we throw\ncrumpled up beer cans at pigeons.", "I don't do that.\n- I totally want to do that.", "Well, I am gonna make that happen.", "Seriously, Barney, after everything\nI went through with Stella,", "getting me this opportunity...\nIt really means a lot.", "It really did.\nYou see, kids, when I became an architect,", "I had one dream, to contribute a building\nto the skyline of New York City.", "I wanted to be able to point\nto one of those buildings and say,", "\"See that one? That one right there?\nThat's mine. \"", "This job was my opportunity\nto do just that.", "Wow!\nYour friend's having her birthday here?", "What's she turning, 19?\n- No. Believe me, this isn't her scene.", "She probably just didn't know\nwhat kind of place this was.", "Lily! Over here, you sexy bitch!\nWe've got bottle service!", "Oh, my God!\nAt school, she's so quiet and normal.", "I had no idea she's... She's a woo girl.", "What's a woo girl? Let me explain.", "A woo girl is a type of young woman", "who, like the cuckoo bird\nor the whip-poor-will,", "gets her name from the signature sound\nshe makes.", "Now, a \"woo\" can be elicited\nin many different ways.", "From a certain song coming on\nthe jukebox...", "Oh, my God, this song is totally about me.", "...to half-priced shots.", "From a ride on a mechanical bull...", "...to, well, pretty much anything.", "Oh, my God,\nI was worried that I didn't feed the cat,", "but then I remembered that I did!", "I swear,\nat school Jillian seems so unwoo-y.", "Yeah, she doesn't look woo-ish.", "Maybe she only observes\nthe High Holidays,", "like Mardi Gras and spring break.\nMaybe she's just a cultural woo.", "Now, go easy on me.\nIt's a work in progress.", "Ted, this is amazing.", "The detail. The shading.\nThe playfulness of the lines.", "This is exactly what Princess Leia\nwould look like topless.", "My way of saying thanks.", "So, you want to see\nmy designs for the building?", "No, I'm good.", "Hey.\n- Hey. So get this. Lily just texted me.", "She's at that bar Giddy Ups\nwith a bunch of woo girls.", "Oh, my God, you guys.\nMy boob just fell out of my top at the bar.", "Trick! I pulled it out for a free drink!", "So, Jillian,\nI hear when you're not flashing bartenders,", "you teach the second grade.\nWhat's that like?", "So rewarding. I don't know\nif you're familiar with the RIE technique,", "but it derives from the progressive\neducational philosophy of Rudolf Steiner,", "who founded the Waldorf School, which...", "Oh, my God. I love this song!\nCome on, you lazy skanks. Let's dance!", "You, too, you dumb whores.\n- No, thank you, you ignorant hussy.", "Why, Lily Aldrin, you sly minx.", "I've been saying for years\nthat our gang needed a woo girl,", "and here you've been hiding\na whole batch of them from me.", "We do not need a woo girl.\nNo one needs a woo girl.", "Be careful, Lily.\nThe world absolutely needs woo girls.", "If there were no woo girls,\nthere'd be no Girls Gone Wild,", "no bachelorette parties,\nno Las Vegas poolside bars.", "All the things that you hold dearest, Lily,\nwould be gone.", "Those are none of the things...", "The souvenir shot glass industry\nwould collapse.", "So would the body glitter industry\nand the stretch Hummer rental industry.", "Tiny cowboy hats\nwould be worn only by tiny cowboys.", "And when Brown Eyed Girl\nwould come up on the jukebox,", "all you would hear would be silence.", "And Brown Eyed Girl.", "But who would woo, Lily?\nWho would woo?", "Would you?", "Would you woo?", "Who wants to name my boobs?", "Now if you'll excuse me,\nI have a date with Hannity and Colmes.", "Over the next couple of weeks,\nI dove into work.", "It felt great to be working on something\nthat I really cared about.", "Finally,\nthe morning of the presentation arrived.", "And we believe this timeless design\nwill radiate the strength and stability", "that is Goliath National Bank.\nThank you, gentlemen.", "I left there feeling pretty good\nabout my chances.", "Later that night, we ran into Barney.", "Hey, Barney! Give me the good news.", "You didn't get it.\n- What?", "The board decided to go with Sven.", "I can't believe I didn't get it.\nI really thought I nailed the pitch.", "Why would they go with Sven?", "I did everything I could\nto change their minds.", "But they wouldn't budge. I'm sorry.\n- Wow, this really sucks.", "After the way these last couple of months\nhave gone,", "I guess I needed this more\nthan I thought I did.", "Hey,", "you want to go down to the current GNB\nbuilding and just, like... I don't know.", "Just pee on it a little bit?", "Yeah. Yeah, I think I need that.", "Finish your beer. Fill the tank.", "What happened?\n- Ted didn't get that job.", "But that's not the biggest disappointment\nof the day.", "What?\n- We saw you woo.", "Saw who woo?\n- Saw you woo.", "I didn't woo.\n- You did, too.", "That's not true.\n- Your nose just grew.", "So what, you're like\nbest friends with Jillian now?", "No. It's just...\nYou're married, Lily, but I'm still single.", "Whenever I hang out with you, I'm usually\nthe third wheel to you and Marshall.", "Sometimes it's fun to go out\nwith other single women", "and do stuff that you don't want to.\n- Like what?", "Like woo, Lily. Like woo.", "I can woo.\n- That's not true.", "I can, too.\n- It's just not you.", "Bilson.\n- Yeah?", "Hey. Look, I just want to say,\nI know you guys went with Sven,", "but Ted Mosby is tremendously talented,", "and I think he would have done\na hell of a job.", "I agree. That's why I voted for him.", "So, then, it's agreed.", "From now on, all ATM fees\nare now called freedom charges.", "Conference call. Now.", "You got something you want to tell me?\n- Oh, damn it.", "I told Heather to put everything\nback on your desk the way it was.", "Bilson told me he wanted to give\nthe job to Ted. So what happened?", "Okay, fine.", "...will radiate the strength and stability", "that is Goliath National Bank.\nThank you, gentlemen.", "So?\n- That was great. I love it.", "Yes! Looks like we got our guy.\nI don't think we even need to meet with...", "I am Sven Jorgensen.", "With me are Sven Pilsen\nand Sven Johanssen, and we are Sven!", "Sven!\n- Sven!", "You are Goliath National Bank.", "You are cutting edge.\nYou are new. You are fresh.", "Women want to be with you,\nmen wish to harm you,", "but the fool who dares challenge you\nshall be crushed!", "Your headquarters will tell the world\nof these facts.", "And one more thing, don't look now!", "Which of you is Barney Stinson,\nhead of the search committee?", "Oh, my God. That's me!", "You, Barney Stinson,\nare a man of power and virility.", "Your office shall be here,\nin the head of a Tyrannosaurus rex!", "I never knew it till now,\nbut I've always dreamed of that.", "On your large desk of Honduran rosewood\nshall be this button.", "What does the button do?\n- Press it! Press it for glory!", "Yes! This is the most awesome building\nin the universe.", "There is no way this building\ncould be more awesome.", "There is a strip club in the letter N.", "What the hell is the matter with you?\nThis is Ted's big break!", "And then you sold him out\nbecause you wanted to work", "in the brain of a Tyrannosaurus rex,", "which, incidentally, if you knew\nanything about dinosaurs,", "is really, really small.\n- Marshall, this isn't about my office.", "Ted's building was good.\nSven's was better.", "And I am not going to let the fact that I am\nTed's best friend be a factor in business.", "You didn't pick Sven's building\nbecause it was better.", "You picked it because you wanted to work\nin a cool dinosaur office.", "That's a lie! I picked it because it...", "It breathes fire, Marshall.", "Fire marshal.", "I didn't even notice.\n- How could you do this to Ted", "after everything he's been through\nwith Stella?", "You're just being selfish.", "Marshall, I would never make\na business decision for selfish reasons.", "I am a professional. Now, come on.", "Let's get a nice daytime drunk going,\nand throw empties at pigeons.", "No. No. For two reasons.", "One, pigeons are smarter than you think.\nThey hold grudges.", "And, two, this is our last conference call,\nMr. Stinson.", "There are repercussions\nto screwing over a friend.", "Like what?\n- Like this.", "Hey.", "Oh, my God, you guys. Last night,\nwe raised $10,000 for my charity", "to help combat childhood illiteracy.\nIt's a really serious issue.", "Someone just earned herself an ass-first\nride down the dance floor spank canyon!", "Lily, what are you doing here?", "Oh, just doing the fun things\nyou single girls do.", "What's with the plastic fireman's hat?", "I didn't have a cowboy hat, and today was\nfire safety day at school, so...", "Oh, my God, bitch. This is our anthem.\n- Really? Who sings this?", "Is LL Cool J still doing things?", "This is great, Svens.", "You guys are so much cooler\nthan Marshall.", "He doesn't even own a unitard.", "Who wants a brew?\n- I don't understand.", "Where is the conference call?", "No, no. This is the conference call. Get it?", "In America, when we work late,\nwe lie about a conference call,", "and we come up here\nand we drink a few beers. It's awesome.", "This is a waste of time. Push-ups!", "Misty, you are such a slut.\nLet's do another shot.", "You're the slut, you skank.\nShots are on you.", "No, bitch, shots are on you.\nYou're such a whore.", "You're all a bunch of prostitutes.\nYou probably have STDs.", "Let's go dance.", "Lily, this isn't working.\nYou shouldn't be here.", "I get it. Because I'm happily\nmarried, I'm some kind of loser?", "Exactly the opposite.", "Lily, why do you think\nthe woo girls have to woo", "when they win a game of beer pong,\nor when a hot guy takes his shirt off?", "It's because that is as good as life gets\nfor them. They're really sad people.", "And when they hang out\nwith someone who's got it all figured out,", "someone like you, it bums them out.\nIt takes away their woo.", "You're just saying that\nso I don't feel like an old married lady.", "Look at those girls, Lily.", "Look at them and listen\nto what their woos are really saying.", "Oh, those poor girls and Ted.\nI just want to go give them all a hug.", "Lily, right now I'm like them.\nI'm unemployed, I'm single, I'm a little lost.", "So every once in a while, I need to woo.", "But when I need to talk about something\nreal, you're the one I turn to.", "You're my best friend.\n- And you're mine.", "And I promise\nI'll make more time for just us.", "Marshall doesn't have to tag along\nto everything we do.", "Hey, have you guys tried these\npurple hooter test tube shots?", "I've had like five of them.\nI don't even think there's alcohol in here.", "Where'd you get that hat?\n- What hat?", "Hey. We fired Sven.\n- What?", "Yeah, those guys were idiots.\nI mean, sure, they had some cool ideas.", "Some really cool ideas.\nActually, I wonder if it's not too late to...", "No! The point is, you got the job.", "Really?\n- Yeah.", "The search committee realized\nthey made the wrong decision.", "Plus, you really mean a lot to them\nand they want you to be happy.", "That's weird.", "Look, Ted, your design was the best,\nand you deserve it.", "There's also something\nthat you should know", "about why you didn't get the job\nin the first place.", "You see, Ted...\n- It was Bilson.", "Yeah, yeah.", "Bilson just wanted to have an office\nin a dinosaur head,", "but Barney convinced him\nthat it was really, really stupid.", "Well, you know.\n- Oh. Thank you, Barney.", "What... I can't believe this.", "I just got our firm\nthe biggest account we've ever had.", "Hey, next round's on me.", "Why'd you let me off the hook?", "You did the right thing.\nSeemed like you deserved a bye.", "Plus, it would have really bummed Ted out,\nand he's finally happy right now.", "Yeah. Well.", "You really are Ted's best friend.", "And so am I. It's a tie. Thanks, Marshall.", "Marshall wound up caving\nand telling me the truth about Barney,", "like ten minutes later.", "At which point we tied Uncle Barney\nto the mechanical bull,", "cranked it up to a setting called\n\"paint mixer,\"and went home.", "I love you, man.\n- Love you, too, buddy.", "Hey, you going to ride the bull tonight?", "No, not if you paid me.\nI have an inner ear thing.", "It was a pretty great night.", "Three hours. That's a bar record.", "That's right, ladies.", "Jillian, you know what'd be really crazy\nand funny and stupid to do tonight?", "If you and me find a guy\nand have a three-way.", "Maybe, if we found the right guy.", "Yeah, and if we don't find the right guy,\nmaybe you and I could just...", "You know who was pretty cute?\nThat guy Ted. Let's go find him."], "How I Met Your Mother S04E09 The Naked Man": ["Kids, everyone has an opinion", "on how long it takes\nto recover from a breakup.", "Half the length of the relationship.", "One week for every month\nyou were together.", "Exactly 10,000 drinks.\nHowever long that takes.", "You can't measure\nsomething like this in time.", "There's a series of steps.", "From her bed to the front door.\nBam! Out of there. Next!", "But I think you start to recover\nthe moment you meet that person", "who gets you back in the game.", "This is the story of how I met that person.", "Now, kids, if you want to go swimming,\nyou don't just dive in.", "First, you dip your toe in the water.", "Hey.\n- Hi.", "You check the temperature.\nSee how it feels.", "I'm Ted.\n- Vicky.", "And then you slowly wade in.", "I got left at the altar a month ago.", "Or, you know, cannonball.", "It was a complete disaster,\nand ever since then,", "I haven't been able to even look\nat another woman.", "Except for the old lady on the subway\nwho breakdances for nickels.", "I don't look at her that way.\nI just look at her.", "I mean, it's an old lady breakdancing.\nAnd she is good.", "I'm going to give her a dollar next time.", "Hey, let's pretend I just said this.", "These elevator rides\nhave been the highlight of my week,", "and I'd love to see you again Friday night.", "Not in the elevator.\nAt a restaurant, a nice one.", "What do you say?\n- Yes.", "Kids,\nI walked in on a lot of crazy stuff", "at the old apartment over the years.", "Sorry, guys.\nI'm just going to go with a bowl of fruit.", "It's been 12 minutes!", "Drop it!\n- You first!", "Ike, why are you pointing your gun at me?", "Don't use my name!\n- Put the guns down, now!", "But one of the craziest things\nI ever walked in on", "happened when I was roommates\nwith your Aunt Robin.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "Who are you?\n- Mitch.", "What are you doing, Mitch?\n- You must be the roommate.", "I'm on a date with Robin.\nShe had to step outside to take a call.", "I guess her cell phone\ndoesn't work in here.", "Oh.", "Oh!", "Oh.\nRobin didn't use the super-secret signal.", "We put this old takeout menu\non the doorknob.", "Place went out of business. Mr. Wang's.", "Guess I don't have to explain\nwhy that's funny.", "I'm gonna go.", "When you leave, take the seat cushion\nwith you. That's trash now.", "I think that I am more\nthan qualified for the job.", "My weaknesses? I would say\ncaring too much, working too hard,", "and putting my career\nin front of my love life.", "Whoops!\nThat last one was real. What?", "Well, it appears our sweet, innocent\nlittle Robin has taken a lover.", "A young blade by the name of Mitch.", "Her blind date? Total bust.", "She's been sending me text messages\nall night.", "She just let him go upstairs\nto use the bathroom a second ago.", "Excuse me a minute.", "Buddy, you are killing me. I'm kind of\nin the middle of something here.", "Middle of what?", "This is my move.\nIt's called The Naked Man.", "The Naked Man?\n- Goes like this.", "You're on a first date,\nyou've had a few drinks.", "You make an excuse\nto go up to the girl's apartment.", "So the bathroom's right there.\n- Okay, thanks.", "You know what, I'm gonna grab this.", "Okay.\n- Hello?", "Then, once she leaves the room,\nyou strip down naked and wait.", "When she comes back, she laughs.", "She's so charmed\nby your confidence and bravado,", "she sleeps with you. Boom!", "There is no way that works!\n- Two out of three times.", "Two out of three times?", "Two out of three times.\nYou just have to pick your spot.", "The Naked Man is best used\nas a last resort,", "kind of a Hail Mary on a first date", "when you know there's not\ngoing to be a second one.", "How do you know\nthere's not gonna be a second date?", "Ted, look at me.\n- I'd rather not, Mitch.", "Robin is way out of my league.\nI'm not smart, funny or handsome.", "And as you can plainly see,\nthere's nothing impressive", "going on anywhere around here.", "My only shot with a girl like Robin\nis the element of surprise.", "And, let's be honest, a little pity.\nIt's shock and...", "Aw!", "This doesn't really work.\n- Two out of three times. Guaranteed.", "No way.\n- Two out of three times.", "He guaranteed it.\n- Oh, come on.", "There is no way\nthat's gonna work on Robin.", "She's going to walk in there,", "take one look at that idiot\nand send him packing.", "Yeah,\nshe might kick his ass first.", "Yeah, she might get her gun\nand shoot him.", "Go, go!", "My God!\n- It worked.", "Mr. Wang's is back in business?", "The Naked Man works!", "This is gonna revolutionize\nthe one-night stand.", "This is like the forward pass in football.\nThe slam dunk in basketball.", "The haircutting technique\nwhere they hold it between their fingers", "and cut right above it.\nIt's a total game-changer!", "Barney, this guy slept with Robin,\nwho you claim to be in love with.", "How can you be excited about this?", "Lily, The Naked Man\nis bigger than me and Robin.", "All these years,\nI have been busting my hump,", "with my secret identities\nand my tricks and my gadgets.", "I mean, I'm like Batman.\nBut this Mitch fellow, he's Superman.", "He just rips off his clothes\nand he's good to go.", "What kind of gadgets\nare we talking about?", "So this is what it's gonna be like,\nus living together?", "I come home, and guys you're dating are\njust gonna be sitting on the couch, naked?", "I wish I could say no.", "I still cannot believe\nThe Naked Man worked on you.", "What can I say?\nOkay, I went in there, and he was naked.", "It was funny. I laughed, he laughed.", "And then it just kind of happened.\nI don't know.", "I call slut!", "Whoa!\n- Whoa!", "Excuse me?", "I'm sorry, Robin,\nbut you hooking up with this guy", "makes it seem like the only thing\nstanding between you and sex is clothes.", "I didn't just sleep with Mitch\nbecause he was naked.", "Then why did you sleep with him?\n- Because he...", "Um...", "He... Because I care about Mitch. A lot.", "There was a connection of specialness.", "Of specialness and feelings.", "It was because he was naked.\nAnd I'm sorry, but I don't approve.", "There is only one reason to sleep\nwith somebody, and that is love.", "Yeah, Marshall's a big girl\nbecause he believes in true love", "and just finished reading The Notebook", "because the secretaries bullied him\ninto joining Oprah's Book Club.", "Fine! But you know I'm right.", "Marshall, I love you,\nbut there's lots of reasons to have sex.", "Name one.\n- I can name 50.", "No, you can't.\n- Number 1, last Thursday.", "Hey, Marshall, want to do it?\n- I'm up.", "You befouled our marital bed\nbecause you couldn't get to sleep?", "You're the one who said,", "\"That shadow on the ceiling looks like\na scary, toothless clown. Good night, Lily. \"", "Fine! That's one. But I defy you to name...\n- I'm going to name 50.", "There's make-up sex, break-up sex,", "and your-friend-just-told-you\n- about-a-new-position sex.", "You're welcome.", "There's also revenge,\nrebound, paratrooping.", "You know, when you go out of town,\nbut instead of getting a hotel room,", "you go straight to a bar with the\nsole intention of hooking up with a girl", "so you have a place to stay?", "Oh, you mean banging-for-roof.\n- Slut!", "I don't do it. My college roommate did it.", "Oh. No, no, Robin, I just have a bad cough.", "I don't really\nhave a bad cough.", "We all know college roommate\nmeans you, slut!", "Does anyone have a lozenge?", "I've got one.\nNothing-good-on-television sex.", "Hmm.", "Hotel-room sex.\n- Curiosity, as in,", "I've always wondered what it's like\nto have sex with a really tall girl.", "Not a big girl, just a tall girl.", "Like, if a normal girl", "were seven, seven-and-a-half-feet tall", "and wore a denim miniskirt.", "I would have to know what that is like.\n- Okay.", "He-said-he-loved-you-but-you're-not-ready\n- to-say-it-back-yet sex.", "Forty-three.", "Wingman diving on the friend grenade.\n- Forty-four.", "The condoms are about to expire.\n- Forty-five.", "Wow! This is getting a little hard.\n- Forty-six!", "Okay, four more to go.", "You dropped a Cheeto on\nhis lap, and when you reached for it,", "he thought you were making a move,\nso you just went with it.", "Well, thank you for ruining the memory\nof our six-month anniversary.", "You got me Cheetos.", "Look, can we just stop\nwith this stupid list, okay?", "You guys are making me sad.\n- No, I'm having fun.", "Man, this whole one-partner thing\nsucks sometimes.", "I'm always talking about you.\nI can't play \"I never,\"", "because then everyone would know\nall the weird stuff I let you do to me.", "The only weird thing I ever did to you\nwas open up my heart and soul,", "when all I had to do was strip naked\nwhile you were out of the room.", "I didn't sleep with Mitch\nbecause he was naked.", "Mitch and I have something special.", "I mean, fingers crossed, guys.\nHe may be the one.", "The one? Mitch? The Naked Man?\n- You mean the naked genius.", "All these years I've been suiting up when\nI should have been suiting down. That's it.", "I am doing The Naked Man tonight.", "Ted, so are you.\n- What?", "With the elevator girl. You're going out\nwith her tonight, right? Naked Man!", "No. Barney, come on, this is the first girl", "I've had the courage to ask out\nsince Stella.", "Naked Man!", "No, Barney,\nthis is the eighth outfit I tried on tonight.", "I got my hair cut three times,\nI'm a nervous wreck.", "Are you wearing makeup?", "It's not makeup, okay?\nIt's a sunscreen with a subtle tint of...", "It's made for men.\nSue me, I want my eyes to pop.", "Naked Man!\n- No, Barney, I like Vicky.", "This could actually go somewhere.", "I don't want to do anything stupid\nto jeopardize it.", "Well, I really like that girl,", "but... Oh! I didn't see her from the back.", "I really like that girl.", "And I'm willing to jeopardize our future\ntogether for one night of glory.", "Naked Man!", "So, that night\nwe all set out to prove something.", "Robin wanted to defend her honor.", "Mitch, hey, baby, it's me.", "Robin. Do you want to grab\nsome dinner tonight?", "Because you're basically my boyfriend!", "Lily needed to prove\nthat she could finish her list.", "I'm stuck. I can't think of the last two.", "Reason Number 48,", "\"To reinforce good behaviors\nsuch as shaving and dental hygiene. \"", "Oh, now you're conditioning me? Great!", "That explains\nwhy I always get an erection when I floss.", "I had to prove that as scary\nas it was to be dating again,", "I was over Stella\nand ready to get back out there.", "And Barney needed to prove that he, too,\ncould pull off The Naked Man.", "Hey, thank you for letting me\nlook at your aquarium.", "You're a real lifesaver.\n- Sure, no problem.", "I just need to use the bathroom\nthen I'll be on my way.", "Ted, I'm doing it.\nI'm doing The Naked Man!", "Me, too!", "I'm doing it! I'm doing The Naked Man!", "That's great!\nWhat made you change your mind?", "Well, the date with Vicky started off okay,\nbut it didn't go as well as I hoped.", "Oh, my God, Ted, you are so funny.", "And can I just say, you have amazing eyes.", "What, these old things?", "Nice job, hotshot.\n- I'm sorry...", "Save it! Go tell the manager\nhe owes us an appetizer.", "One of the ones with shrimp!\nYou're welcome. You were saying?", "And then his cane missed the top step,", "and he was falling for,\nI swear, like, two minutes.", "Oh, God, I love old people.", "Once I realized there was\nno possible future in this relationship,", "I just decided to go for it.\n- Awesome.", "Okay, big question, what pose\nwill you display your Naked Man in?", "Huh.", "That is a big question.\nI hadn't really thought about it.", "I was thinking the Superman.", "What about the Captain Morgan?", "How about the\n\"Oops, I didn't see you there\"?", "The Thinker.", "What about the Heisman?", "Mr. Clean.", "The Burt Reynolds.", "It's so great to see you again.", "I really had a great time last night.", "So, what is it like managing a CPK?", "I mean, whose idea was it\nto put a pineapple in the...", "Okay, stop right there.\nI know what this is.", "I've been on this date before.\nThis is the \"I'm not a slut\" date.", "What? That's crazy.", "Usually you read me so well,\nbut this time you're wrong.", "Come on, Robin.", "One of us had a good time last night,\nand we both know it was me.", "Mitchell something, that is just not true.", "Really? How was the sex?\n- I didn't hate it.", "Robin, you've seen my move. That's it.", "I have nothing else to offer you.\nI'm broke, I sweat when I eat,", "and I'm in, like, five different\nfantasy football leagues.", "It's all I talk about. Trust me,\nyou don't want to be around that.", "What? Yes, I do.", "Look, I didn't just sleep with you\nbecause you were naked.", "Yeah, you did.", "And now you're trying to pretend\nit was something more", "to make yourself feel better.", "Say what you will,\nat least The Naked Man is honest.", "What about the old Coppertone Baby?", "The Olympic gymnast\nwho stuck the landing.", "Yeah, I got to go.\n- Naked Man!", "You have a really nice place!", "Oh, thanks! Coming from you,\nthat's a real compliment.", "I just love that you're an architect.\nIt's so fascinating.", "I could listen to you talk\nabout structural design all night.", "And then I noticed,\nlying on her end table,", "a book of love poems by Pablo Neruda.", "The same edition I'd had since college.", "And it was bookmarked\nto my favorite poem.", "Maybe I was all wrong about this girl.\nMaybe there was a future for us.", "Crap!", "Here we go.", "Pablo Neruda.", "Oh. Yeah, that book's a turd.", "Some douchey guy I hooked up\nwith left it here. It's all in Mexican.", "You know who writes good poems? Jewel.", "Her teeth are crooked\nand she lived in a car.", "So, she has stuff to write about...", "Ta-da!", "Okay.", "The Naked Man works.", "I just had decent sex\nwith an awful human being.", "I am back!\n- Congratulations, buddy.", "You're not the only one\nwho rocked The Naked Man tonight.", "You just want to do it\nto change the subject.", "Yeah. Hey, that's Number 49.", "Did it work?\n- It's like I just flossed.", "I love you.\n- That's 50.", "Oh, yeah.", "Nice! What pose did you go with?\n- I went with \"I've got boobs. \"", "And she nailed it.", "Oh, my God! Guys, guys, guys!\nThis is him.", "This is The Naked Man.\n- Ted, his name is Mitch.", "And he's my boyfriend. So...\n- It's okay, Robin. I no longer call slut.", "Oh.", "Okay. You can go. We're done.\n- Thanks.", "No, Mitch, Mitch, I have to thank you.", "We all tried The Naked Man tonight.\n- Oh.", "Oh! We should see how Barney did.", "Hello?\n- Hi, is Barney there?", "No.", "Oh, my God! What's the matter with you?", "Get out!\n- I just have to grab my suit.", "It's very expensive. The tie alone...\n- Get out of here right now!", "Get out, you sick son of a bitch!\n- All right. Okay. Call me.", "And if I see him again, I'm calling the cops.", "Two out of three times.", "Mitch, I want you to know, this night,\ncrazy as it was,", "it got me out of my shell.\n- That's the beauty of The Naked Man.", "It gives you exactly what you need.\nNo more, no less.", "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to replace\none of my fantasy football quarterbacks.", "He separated his shoulder!", "A toast to Mitch.", "By the sum of his parts, he is just a man.", "But what he does with those parts,\nhe becomes so much more.", "He may not fit society's definition\nof a hero, but he is the hero I needed.", "The hero who helped me recover\nfrom the disaster", "of my failed almost-marriage\nand get back into the game.", "He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream?\nTruth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation?", "He is all these things, and none of them,\nfor he is The Naked Man.", "Oh, my God!", "Oh, thank God."], "How I Met Your Mother S04E10 The Fight": ["Why do we fight?", "What is that thing deep within each of us", "that compels us to settle disagreements\nwith our fists?", "Whatever it is,\nit's there right from the beginning.", "Okay, okay, okay. Stop fighting.\n- Why?", "Because it's stupid and juvenile.\n- We're six. We are stupid and juvenile.", "Okay, okay.", "Kids, I've only been in one fight in my life,\nand this is the story of how it happened.", "Now, as you know,\nI had recently been left at the altar.", "And the worst thing\nabout getting left at the altar,", "I mean, aside from actually getting left\nat the altar, was what came next.", "A steady, unrelenting,\nunbearable stream of pity.", "Cranberry gin and tonic.", "Scotch and soda.", "Thank you.", "Can I see a menu?\n- Ted, I'm going to go get you a menu,", "but I promise you, I will come back.", "Okay, we have to start\ngoing someplace else.", "At this bar, I'm always gonna be\nthe guy who got left at the altar.", "That sucks!\n- Good times.", "Uh-oh. We lost Barney.\n- What do you mean?", "There's a girl over there\nin a tight red sweater.", "So he's not listening to a word\nanyone's saying. Right, Barney?", "Gimme a break!", "See, he figured out a while back\nhe could fake an entire conversation", "just by saying titles of black sitcoms\nfrom the '70s and '80s.", "What's happening?\n- Hey, Barney,", "want to go upstairs and do stuff to me\nthat I won't even let Marshall do?", "Huh. Different strokes.", "What the hell is this?", "I've told you kids\nabout Doug, right?", "I haven't? Oh, well.", "Doug Martin was\na bartender at MacLaren's.", "He was always kind of around.", "Have you met Ted?", "No. No, no, no.\nWe're not playing, \"Have you met Ted?\"", "Am I dead? Am I dead?\n- Hey.", "Tonight, I pick up a lesbian.", "Anyway, three things\nyou need to know about Doug.", "The first thing is that Doug\nhad a bit of a violent streak.", "...crumbled, so he's on the ground, right?\nAnd we're just kicking him,", "just putting the boots to him.\nYeah, he's making that face, all shaking.", "So, anyway, what we did was,\nwe left him there.", "Top you up?", "The second thing is that\nhe was weird about his hair.", "What?\n- What?", "Are you looking at my hair?\n- No, sir. I was not.", "It's a toupee.", "Is that funny? You want to laugh it up?\nIs it funny, guy?", "I tell you what, why don't you grab it?", "Excuse me?\n- Yeah, go ahead, grab it.", "Grab it right off my head. Go ahead.\nYou don't want to grab it? Come on.", "Come on, go ahead and grab it.\nWant to grab it off my head?", "Grab my toupee right off my head.", "I like you guys!", "But the third thing is\nthat he was very loyal to his regulars.", "Hey, hey! There they are!\n- Hey, man.", "Hey, you guys want your booth?", "No. We're fine over here.\n- Yeah? Yeah? Yeah.", "Maybe a little too loyal.", "No. No.\n- No, it's fine, it's fine.", "Okay, you two lovebirds, let's take this\nsomewhere else. Booth's reserved.", "Let's go! Now! Come on!", "Give me some hustle, Father! Up you get.\nOkay, guys, here we are.", "So, that's Doug.", "What the hell is this?", "Oh. Some guys are sitting in our booth.\nBut you know what? This is fine.", "It's cool, I'll take care of it. Okay?\n- Oh, boy, there he goes.", "It's not...\nWhy are you yelling at us?", "Okay, let's go.\n- Okay, okay.", "Ladies, if you'll please adjourn\nto your usual booth.", "Gentlemen, I will require\nyour assistance outside.", "Our assistance with what?", "We're going to go out in the alley\nand fight those guys.", "What's happening now?", "I'm sorry, did you just say...", "Those guys are being inconsiderate, okay?", "So we're going to go outside\nand cave in their skulls, okay?", "This will be fun!", "He wants us to fight?\nLike, with our hands and stuff?", "And feet, maybe?\nI don't know what the rules are.", "Wow, a fight. Should we go out there?\n- Come on, Ted.", "There's only three things you'll ever see\nme fight. The stubborn clasp of a bra,", "sexual harassment charges, nine for nine,", "and the urge to vomit when I see someone\nwearing brown shoes with a black suit.", "Marshall?\n- Dude, fighting is for losers.", "We're civilized guys.\nCivilized guys don't fight.", "Unless it's with lightsabers. But that's like\nthree to five years away, so...", "Well, that's not true.\n- Robin, I'm on the forums every day.", "Three to five Thanksgivings from now,", "I'm gonna be carving the turkey\nwith Old Green.", "No, I'm saying there are plenty\nof legitimate reasons to get in a fight.", "It might not be pretty,", "but in certain situations,\nyou gotta do what you gotta do.", "Oh. Right, I forgot.\nShe thinks fighting's sexy.", "No, I do not, a lot.", "Look, I come\nfrom a culture of hockey players.", "If a guy can throw down,\nit's somewhat way hot.", "And scars, hello!\nIf a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin.", "And if he's missing teeth,\nI'm missing my pants.", "I'm missing my wisdom teeth.", "Outpatient procedure. Local anesthesia.\nWhatever. It ain't a thing.", "Look, maybe we should go out there.", "I can't believe\nwe're even having this discussion.", "Ted, you're 30.\nYou're too old to act like this.", "I was 30, and in those 30 years\nI'd been punched once.", "There's a very simple...", "There was that thing at camp.", "Today, we're going to braid\nfriendship bracelets.", "In college, I studied some kung fu.", "And, well, there was some other stuff.", "Come on. Come...", "The thing with the goat\nwasn't for another few months.", "The point is, I had never been in a fight.", "I'm going out there.\n- No!", "Listen to me, please, trust me.\nI've been in plenty of fights.", "It's really nothing to be proud of.", "Who did you get in a fight with?\n- My brothers.", "Yes, I'm sure that was quite a rumble\nin the Eriksen rumpus room.", "I love brotherly horseplay!", "Here comes the tickle monster!\n- Noogie patrol!", "Wait, wait, wait! Timesies! Timesies!", "Cocoa break.", "Cocoa break.", "Okay, it's clobbering time.\n- Ted, don't do this, you're a nice guy.", "That's your best quality.\n- Is it?", "'Cause I seem to remember this nice guy\ngetting dumped by his fianc\u00e9e", "for a tae kwon do instructor.\nLook, this may sound crazy,", "but I think I need to do this.\nI think this is an experience I need to have.", "I'm going.", "Me, too!", "Guys, take a good look at this face,\nbecause the next time you see it,", "it will be disfigured\nin the hottest possible way.", "'Cause that's who I am, I'm a man.", "I like to fight and mix it up\nand get all dirty.", "Could you find a wood hanger for this?", "Whoa! What happened here?\n- I know, right?", "Who's not looking at my toupee now?\nLook what we did to these guys.", "We?\n- Yeah, we.", "Come on, man, we're a good team.\nNice work, boys, we did it!", "No, no, you did it. We didn't do anything.", "Okay, yeah. Yeah, sure,\nI just beat up three guys by myself.", "You guys. That's good.\nYou and you, free drinks for life.", "He thinks we were in this fight with him.\n- We were in this fight with him.", "And now we are going to go in there\nand tell everyone", "the legendary tale\nof how we beat up some guys.", "And everyone is going to think it's great", "and everyone is going\nto sleep with me again.", "Dude, come on, no one is gonna\nbelieve we were in a fight, look at us.", "That's a good...", "What are you doing?\n- What I should've done a long time ago.", "What?\n- I don't know. I just hit myself in the eye!", "I don't even know what I'm saying!", "I throw an awesome right hook,\nby the way.", "Okay, are you ready?\n- To go back in?", "No, for this.", "You just punched me in the nose!", "Are you crying?\n- Yes, I'm crying!", "You just punched me in the nose.", "Oh, that's going to swell up real good.\nYou're gonna look like Owen Wilson.", "Okay, let's get back in there.", "Okay, but just, let's play this down, okay?", "I don't want this\nto turn into a big thing.", "Yeah.", "And Ted comes and takes\nhis shoe off! Hits him in the mouth...", "Hey, there they are!\nThe guys that got my back!", "You two got in a fight. Really?", "No, Barney punched me and himself\nin the face", "to make it look like we got in a fight.\nCome on, Marshall.", "Wow. Look at your eye.", "You look like a badass.", "I'm surprised to see you had it in me.\nYou. Had it in you.", "Do you want to touch it?", "Oh, my God, it's warm.", "Hey, victory drinks.", "Free! Free! Free!", "Free! $7.50.", "Why do I have to pay?\n- 'Cause you don't got my back.", "These guys got my back.\n- Okay, you know what, Doug?", "I will gladly pay. And you know why?\nBecause that's what grownups do.", "They pay for their drinks\nand they don't get into fights.", "You know what I was doing\nwhile you were out there being immature?", "I'll tell you what I was doing.\n- Your nails?", "No. I was doing...", "The relationship quiz\nin this month's Cosmo?", "No. I was doing...", "Your best not to cry\nwhen Big came back for Carrie", "at the end of the Sex and the City movie?\n- No. Spoilers much? No.", "I'll tell you what I was doing...", "The captain of the football team,\nbecause he gave you his promise ring", "and you looked so pretty in your\nopen-back homecoming dress?", "Sorry.", "I hate those guys.", "Acting like they're the manliest guys\nin the universe,", "like they're Crocodile Dundee\nand David Hasselhoff.", "Those are the manliest guys\nin the universe?", "I don't understand\nwhy they're getting all this attention.", "I mean, I'm the real hero here.\n- Yeah, you are.", "I'm serious, woman.\nPut it back in your pants.", "Marshall, you're the man\nevery boy should grow up to become", "and every girl should marry.", "You know what? I have two kids\nin my class who won't stop fighting.", "If you come to school tomorrow\nand tell them your story", "of choosing the path of nonviolence,\nit might really set them straight.", "And save me having to get up early\nto make a lesson plan.", "All right. Okay. I'll set them straight.", "You're a wuss.\n- What? No.", "Mahatma Panda and Martin Luther Koala\nare telling you kids this story", "to illustrate...\n- To illustrate that you're a wuss?", "Why didn't you just fight those guys?", "Were you scared?\n- What?", "No. I wasn't scared.", "I've been in plenty of fights, okay?\n- You're huge.", "You must weigh like a thousand pounds.", "Okay, first of all,\nI'm wearing a baggy sweater,", "and it has horizontal stripes.", "And I also... I had a salty lunch...\nAnd so I'm retain...", "You know what? Shut up!\n- Wuss! Wuss! Wuss!", "Wow. So, you just beat those guys up?", "Just?", "Amanda, were it so simple.\nYou see, hand-to-hand combat", "is about so much more\nthan just administering brute force", "on your opponent, right, B?\n- You know!", "It's a science.", "The sweet science, as it were.", "Wait, I'm confused.\nWhat did those guys do to deserve it?", "Well, this may sound petty,", "but they sat in our booth.\n- They sat in our booth.", "And nobody...\n- Nobody.", "...sits in our booth. It's been taken.", "Uh-oh. Are you gonna beat those guys up?", "Um...", "Yes, we are gonna beat those guys up.\nTed, come on.", "You two. Our booth. Get out. Now!", "What are you doing?\n- Relax, we got Doug.", "Big Doug's got our backs.\n- Doug's not here tonight.", "Can I get you guys anything? Drinks?\nCash? Those two girls over there?", "Are you Ted Mosby?", "Yeah, I am.\n- And you're Barney Stinson?", "They've heard of us. It's cool, guys.", "We'll let you leave\nwith your asses unkicked.", "This time. A'ight?", "What's this?\n- You've been served.", "You're being sued for assault.\nEnjoy your booth.", "That was close.", "Assault! They're suing us for assault!", "Okay, what's the penalty for assault?\nWhat, do I have to pay a fine?", "Pick up trash on the highway? 'Cause\nI've done that before, know what I mean?", "I don't know.", "Actually, he did know\nthat the worst we were looking at", "was a small civil settlement\nand probably no criminal charges.", "But he was really pissed at us.", "I mean, you guys could be\nlooking at some serious prison time.", "Prison?\n- I can't go to prison.", "I mean, I could get a lot of reading done,\nfinally write some short stories.", "Work out all the time. Seriously, if I don't\ncome out of there completely ripped...", "Ted, we can't go to prison.\nPeople get shivved in the joint.", "Plus, the meals are really starchy.", "Well, you guys should have thought of that\nbefore you beat up those guys.", "What if we didn't?", "Didn't what, Ted?\n- Didn't beat up those guys.", "What if Doug beat up those guys all\nby himself and we didn't do anything?", "I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!", "You guys didn't throw a single punch.\n- Well, I hit Ted and myself, so...", "Well, who's the wuss now?\nAnswer? You guys.", "Look, can you just help us get out of this?\n- You know the old expression,", "\"If you're not prepared to do the time\ndon't pretend to do the crime", "\"and laugh and get free drinks\nand not stand up for your friend", "\"who, incidentally, has been\nin plenty of fights with his brothers. \"", "Look, you've got to help us out, Marshall.", "We're the Three Musketeers.\n- Yeah.", "If I give up Ted,\nhow much time am I looking at?", "Hey, guys.\n- Hey.", "Hey.", "Hey, Barney. I've been looking for you.", "I got tickets to this hockey game tonight.\nIt's stupid. You want to go?", "It might go kind of late, so maybe\nafter the game we can grab a drink?", "Oh, hey, Robin, get this.\nYou know that fight?", "These guys faked the whole thing.", "Oh. Oh.", "I forgot. Tonight is no good.", "I can't go to that hockey game tonight,\nI got that...", "That... That...", "That...", "That... That...", "Good news. I talked to the guys.", "What guys?\n- The guys you didn't beat up.", "They agreed to drop the lawsuit.", "Boom!", "Lawyered.\n- What? They agreed to drop it?", "Yeah, I just explained\nthat you two are wusses.", "We had a good laugh about that.\nA good long laugh, actually.", "I explained how you get\na mani-pedi once a month.", "Weekly, Wolverine. Some of us care.", "And how you played the hammer dulcimer", "in the Pre-Reformation Dance Society\nat Wesleyan.", "Did you at least tell them", "we were one of the premier medieval\nchamber groups in the Little Ivies?", "Oh, I did.", "And we all agreed it was much more likely\nthat one guy beat up the three of them", "than that you two had\nanything to do with it, so...", "Wait, so now they're only suing Doug?\n- Affirmative.", "Angry, irrational, violent Doug,", "who now knows we were the ones\nwho threw him under the bus.", "They what?", "Look, Doug, we can explain...\n- Explain what?", "Explain how you stabbed me in the back\nright to my face?", "Robin, I'm scared.\n- Yeah. Is Doug seeing anyone?", "Are you seeing anyone? You really should.", "Doug, look, you don't understand,\nyou beat up those guys all by yourself.", "It's true, all right?\nThey had nothing to do with it.", "I mean, look at these two.", "It was all Ted!", "Look at this guy.\n- Yeah, look at me.", "He wouldn't last five minutes in a fight.\n- I think I could last at least five...", "He's got the muscle definition of linguini.", "Yeah, linguini with\nmeatballs, maybe. Check it.", "Ted. Ted.", "Look!\n- Don't.", "Okay, you know what?\nMaybe it was just me.", "Actually, you know what?\nThat makes a lot of sense.", "I tend to black out a lot.\nAnyway, look, I always got your back.", "All I ask in return is that you got mine.\nBut you know what? You don't.", "You can't be counted on.\nNo wonder your fianc\u00e9e left you.", "And here it is, kids,\nthe only fight I've ever been in.", "So what can I share\nabout the experience?", "Well, for starters,\nwhen you punch someone in the face,", "it hurts your hand a lot.", "But what hurts even more than that?", "This.", "And the next thing I remember\nwas waking up.", "Okay, I'm all warmed up.\nLet's do this thing.", "Turns out getting in a fight\nwas a terrible idea.", "And that's my story.\n- And what did you learn?", "Well, I learned that fighting is bad", "and you shouldn't do it, ever.\n- Any questions?", "Yeah.", "Where do you find these people?\n- I know!", "Was there a big sale at the wuss market?", "Wuss! Wuss! Wuss!\n- Wuss! Wuss! Wuss!", "Of course, I didn't tell\nthose kids what really happened.", "Okay, I'm all warmed up.\nLet's do this thing.", "What happened?\n- This happened.", "Holy crap!", "Yeah, turns out Uncle Marshall\nand his brothers", "did a little more than just roughhouse.", "Cocoa break!", "Marshall looks good. Has he lost weight?\n- Bitch, don't even...", "Kids, I'd love to leave you\nwith the message", "that fighting is bad\nand you shouldn't do it,", "but I know that's pointless.", "So, I'll leave you with this. Don't ever\nget in a fight with Uncle Marshall.", "That guy's freaking crazy.", "It is so good to be home.", "Mom, Lily, fantastic job.", "Good food, good meat,\ngood God, let's eat. Right?", "Okay, here we go. Goggles on.", "All right, so, you guys pass the plates.", "Lily, you want white or dark meat?\n- Dark!", "Honey, please be careful."], "How I Met Your Mother S04E11 Little Minnesota": ["Hey, guys.\n- Hey.", "It's freezing out there. Where's your coat?", "Ted, I'm Canadian. I don't need a coat.\nThis kind of weather is nothing for me.", "Yeah. This is like a spring day\nback in Minnesota,", "if it weren't for all the taxis\nand the skyscrapers and non-white people.", "There aren't any black people\nin Minnesota?", "Not if Prince is on tour.", "Well, my sister's plane got in an hour ago,", "or as a meteorologist might say,\n\"Hurricane Heather has just made landfall. \"", "Come on. She's not that bad.", "Here's the back of Heather's baseball card.", "It took her six years to graduate\nfrom three different colleges,", "during which time she wrecked two cars,\ngot married for five days,", "and lived in a tree for nine weeks,", "only to realize that no one had\nany intention of cutting it down.", "And now,\nHeather says she's moving to New York.", "Wow, that's big news.\n- She's never gonna go through with it.", "Remember a few years back when\nshe talked about transferring to NYU?", "And then,\non the day of the admissions interview...", "Heather? Where's my couch and my TV?", "I sold them for Nine Inch Nails tickets.", "The TV alone is worth two grand.", "Well, a last-minute plane ticket\nis expensive.", "Wait. Where are you?\n- Somewhere in Spain.", "Oh! Gotta go. Slow song.", "Oh, crap. It's Barney.\n- So?", "For all the years\nHeather's been visiting New York,", "Ted's never let Barney meet her.\n- And I never will.", "Every year when the Mosby family\nChristmas card shows up...", "Pulling down her pants", "Yanking off my own", "Underneath the mistletoe\nI'll make your sister moan", "Oh! Heather's hot, Heather's hot\nWe'll go all the way...", "I wish I could see her naked\nI wish I could see her naked", "I wish I could see her naked", "And down on all fours", "Ted has a little sister\nGets hotter every day", "And if I ever meet her\nwith her boobies I will play", "Everybody! Sister, sister, sister, I...", "What? I can celebrate Hanukkah, too.", "It's him again. I should probably get it.", "Hey, Barney.\nHey. What's on tap for tonight?", "Oh, we're heading over to Marshall and\nLily's for a Kathy Bates movie marathon,", "but not Misery. You want to join us?", "Oh! He hung up.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "Hey.\n- Hey. Great to see you.", "Hey, kiddo. You look great.", "How are things back home?\n- Well, I moved into your old room.", "Did you know that you can see", "straight into Mrs. Gottwald's bedroom\nacross the street?", "Oh, yes. I am aware of that.", "How's she looking?\n- Ted, she's 62.", "Answer the question.\n- Surprisingly perky.", "Mmm.", "Man, it is cold out there.\nWhy, hello.", "I've been waiting for you.", "Wait a second. That's not our chair.\nDid you bring that chair yourself?", "I needed one that swivels.", "Heather Mosby.", "Barney. Stinson.", "How did you even know\nHeather was coming into town?", "Never tell me anything.", "You know I can't keep secrets\naround Christmas.", "Robin's giving you an iPod.", "Ted, can I chat with you for a sec\nin the kitchen?", "No one touch the chair. It's a rental.", "I can't believe you've been hiding\nyour sister from me all these years.", "Do you blame me?\nYou're like Weird Al Yankovic", "if he only wrote Christmas songs\nabout banging my sister.", "Okay. First of all, I'm flattered.", "Secondly, they're just jokes.\nA bro can joke about another bro's sister.", "It doesn't mean I'm ever gonna act on it.", "Look, I love my sister,\nand as her older brother,", "it's my job to protect her\nfrom guys like you.", "You don't trust me, do you?\n- No. And I don't trust her, either.", "Fine. Great.", "I guess I'll just take my chair and go.", "Wait. Stop. Come back.", "Lily and I are taking Heather out for dinner\non Sunday. Do you want to come?", "I already called Hurley's\nand added a fourth.", "You really can't tell Lily anything. Jeez.\n- No, you can't tell her a thing.", "That year, the holidays", "were really making\nAunt Robin miss Canada,", "so Marshall brought her\nto the spot he went", "whenever he got homesick for Minnesota.\nThe Walleye Saloon.", "Evening, everybody.", "Marshall!\n- Marshall!", "Meet Robin.", "Robin!\n- Robin!", "Go back to drinking.", "Drinking!\n- Drinking!", "What's up, Marshall?\n- Hey, what's up... Whoa, Bud!", "What's with the hitch in your giddyup?\n- I was playing some hockey today.", "Tore up something in my knee.\n- Did you go to the hospital?", "Nah. I just poured some beer on it.\nCan't miss the Vikes game.", "Twin Cities!\n- Oh, yeah!", "I love the guys here. They're real men.\nNo hair products or manicures.", "All New York guys are like 10% girl.\n- Well, come on. That seems a little unfair.", "I'll have the vichyssoise\nwith just a soup\u00e7on of cr\u00e8me fra\u00eeche.", "Too much dairy and I tend to bloat.", "So, I found an apartment today.", "Really?\n- Yeah.", "And I was hoping you'd have", "a little more wine in you\nbefore I asked you this, but...", "I need you to co-sign the lease.", "Hmm.", "Let me think about it.", "That means\nhe's not going to do it.", "I could really use your help on this.", "Let's talk about this later, okay?\n- Don't hold your breath.", "What is it? You don't trust me?", "You're my sister.\n- Now he's just stating a fact.", "Look, Ted, I am serious\nabout a career in finance,", "but you just keep looking at me\nlike I'm a 4-year-old", "who says she wants to be an astronaut.", "I just don't think you have any idea", "how tough it is to make it in New York.", "Exactly. You need connections.", "If only Ted knew someone\nwho worked at, say,", "Goliath National Bank, then... Wait.", "What?", "I work at Goliath National Bank.\nHow about that?", "All right.", "We got two Bemidji Pale Ales\nand, who ordered the mini-burgers?", "Me.\n- All right.", "Nice.", "Oh, my God. Is that Fisherman's Quest?\n- Mmm-hmm.", "I used to play FQ all the time back home!\n- Oh, yeah? I kind of have high score.", "Not to brag,\nbut I caught a 35-inch northern pike.", "The biggest video fish\nanyone's ever reeled in.", "I mean, freshwater.", "A tip of the angler's cap, my friend.", "Thank you for bringing me here.", "Those are mine.", "This is not a good idea.\nHeather and Barney, alone in his office?", "And I certainly don't want\nto be on the hook for her lease.", "She is growing up.\nYou just can't see it yet.", "We're talking about a girl who was busted\nfor shoplifting eight months ago.", "Ted, a lot of women\ngo through a shoplifting phase.", "And sure, maybe to this day,", "they swipe the occasional smaller item", "because it turns them on in a weird way\nthat they can't quite explain.", "But, if it'll make you feel better,\nI'll tag along to GNB tomorrow.", "I'll say I'm having lunch with Marshall,", "but actually,\nI'll be spying on her and Barney.", "Okay. Okay, I'm good with that.", "Heather!\nHeather, good luck tomorrow at GNB.", "I'm sure you'll knock them dead.\n- And I'll be spying on you guys.", "Damn it!", "\"I'm drinking till I forget the\n1999 NFC Championship\"?", "That game.", "The Vikings were two minutes away\nfrom going to the Super Bowl,", "when our kicker, who hadn't missed\nall year, shanked a field goal,", "and we lost in overtime. Damn!", "'99 NFC championship game?", "Yeah.\n- Damn!", "My dad,\nwho I'd never seen cry my whole life,", "wiped away a tear.", "He said, \"A little part of me just died, son. \"", "Wow. I love how intense you guys are\nabout your Vikings.", "It's like when we watch\nHockey Night in Canada, when we...", "What?", "Don't let anyone in here know\nthat you're not from Minnesota.", "Why? What are they gonna do\nif they find out I'm from...", "Does this look like a Dallas bar to you, pal?", "It's weird, but there's something\ncomforting about being carried like this.", "See you later, buddy!\n- Right?", "Man, can you believe that guy?\nSo, Robin, where are you from?", "Uh...", "Bemidji. Bemidji, Minnesota.", "Go Vikes!\nYeah!", "Kids, for what happened next,\nI'm gonna jump ahead a couple days.", "Wow! That is a pretty sweet briefcase.\n- Hmm.", "That's a pretty sweet\nsecurity camera, too.", "Oh, and there's another one. And a guard.", "I'm planning on paying for it, Ted.\n- Yeah. Well, you don't have the job yet.", "That door's a push, not a pull.\nThere you go.", "Hey, thanks again\nfor keeping an eye on her yesterday.", "Look, maybe I was wrong. She sounds\nlike she handled Barney just fine.", "Maybe she'll be able to handle New York.", "No thanks necessary!", "Why not?\n- I have a secret.", "No, I don't. Nothing happened.\nSomething happened.", "What happened?\n- Nothing.", "After Heather's interview, I went to say hi\nto Marshall for a few minutes,", "and when I came back...", "Oh, my God!", "Lily, Lily, before you say or do anything,\nI beg you one favor.", "What?\n- Get off that. It's Prada.", "I am so sorry.\n- I knew it. I knew it all along.", "She is still the same irresponsible\ntrain wreck that she always was,", "and when I see Barney...\n- You won't say a word.", "Ted, Heather begged me not to tell you.", "She will hate my guts\nif she knows that I blabbed.", "Oh, I love that briefcase,\nbut I can't afford it. You were right, Ted.", "I certainly was.\n- See? She didn't get the briefcase.", "That's responsible.", "And there's almost no way\nshe had sex with anyone in there.", "Turning over a new leaf.", "Evening, everybody!", "So my dad and I are at\nthe '99 NFC championship game.", "I say evening, everybody.", "And when we missed that field goal\nand lost...", "Damn!\n- Damn! Damn.", "My dad,\nwho I had never seen cry in my entire life,", "wiped away a tear and said,", "\"A little part of me just died, son. \"\n- Son?", "Oh!", "I told it the way I'm gonna tell my son.\nIf I'm ever lucky enough to have a son,", "and name him Rashad Tarkenton.", "Robin, great story.\n- Great story!", "But it does sound a little bit familiar.\n- I know. They totally ate it up.", "I see what you're doing here.\n- What?", "I brought you here as a favor\nbecause I felt sorry for you, okay?", "And now it's like\nyou're trying to steal my bar.", "You think I'm trying to steal your bar?", "Get out.\n- \"Get oot\"? What, are you Canadian?", "No, I...\n- You want to impersonate a Canadian,", "just turn off the lights", "and get all scared!", "What was that?\n- Well, with Canada right across the border,", "we Minnesotans sometimes\nlike to make jokes at your guys' expense,", "and they're all\nsort of along the same theme.", "That we're afraid of the dark?\n- Yeah. For example.", "Hey, everyone, how many Canadians\ndoes it take to change a light bulb?", "\"What? Oh, no, the light bulb's out?\nI'm scared!\"", "That is insane. Why do you think\nthat Canadians are afraid of the dark?", "Well, where does any prejudice\ncome from, Robin?", "A stereotype starts,\nthen all of a sudden it spreads like wildfire.", "Like Asians can't drive,\nScotsmen are cheap,", "Brazilians always put on\nway too much postage.", "I just don't think\nthis is gonna work out, Robin.", "You can't be hanging out with people\nwho belittle your beloved homeland,", "so I'll walk you out.\n- No, wait, I have something to say.", "Hey, everybody.", "Let me tell you something\nabout people from Canada.", "Hey, Robin, please don't make a scene.\n- Shh!", "Do you know why Canadians\nnever get a birthday wish?", "Because they're too afraid\nto blow out the candles.", "Oh, God, I love it here. God.", "I think your prospects at GNB are good.", "You've certainly made it clear\nyou're willing to take any position.", "Are these new coasters?\n- Well, I hope you get the job.", "Nothing gives me more pleasure\nthan filling an opening.", "I swear to God these coasters are thicker.", "Well, I am willing to bend over backwards.\n- Okay, that's it.", "I cannot believe\nyou had sex with my sister.", "You blabbed?\n- Do you know what?", "This is a new batch of the old coasters.", "I'm just gonna confirm that\nwith the bartender.", "And you,\nyou're mature and responsible now?", "Is it mature and responsible to go to your\nfirst big job interview in New York City", "and nail a total stranger?", "You've always been\nimmature and irresponsible.", "You will always be\nimmature and irresponsible.", "And I wouldn't co-sign\na library card for you, let alone a lease.", "Barney and I didn't have sex.\n- Save it. Lily saw you.", "Or did she?", "You see, Ted, you had so little\nfaith in Heather and me...", "We decided to give you\nexactly what you expected of us.", "And I knew\nwe could count on Lily to blab.", "Oh, my God.", "What? Why would you do that?\n- Because you deserved it.", "Ted, you know I'm no saint.", "And yes, it's true that time\nI drove your mother to the airport...", "Well, let's just say\nthere was a very confusing,", "sexually charged moment\nin short-term parking,", "but I said I would never go\nnear your sister, and I meant it.", "You should have trusted me.", "You're so convinced I'm still\nsome out-of-control teenager,", "you missed the fact I grew up.", "I'm gonna find a hotel.\nI'll get my things later.", "Merry Christmas.", "Your mom and I kissed.", "Better get a move on. You've got five\nseconds to catch two more sturgeon.", "Hey, we got a possible gill screen.", "Forget it.\nYou can't catch two fish with one hook.", "No, but I can catch one fish\nand use that fish to catch the other one.", "High score! You beat Marshall!", "She's Canadian! Robin's Canadian!", "She's Canadian.", "She's not from Bemidji and she doesn't\nknow a darn thing about the Vikings.", "You're just mad 'cause she got high score.", "Robin, in the '99 NFC championship game", "when the Vikings lost...\n- Damn!", "Oh, damn!", "Who was the kicker\nwho missed the field goal?", "Uh...", "Uh...", "Rashad Tarkenton.", "Gary Anderson.", "He's now retired.\nOwns a fly-fishing business in Canada.", "Goodbye, Robin.", "No. You know what?", "I'm glad you found out\nbecause I'm proud to be Canadian.", "We may not have a fancy NFL team\nor Prince,", "but we invented Trivial Pursuit.\nYou're welcome, Earth!", "Plus in Canada, you can go\nto an all-nude strip club and order alcohol.", "That's right.\nFrom Moose Jaw to the Bay of Fundy,", "you can suck down a 20-ounce Pilsner", "while watching some coal miner's\ndaughter strip down to her pelt.", "Jealous?", "In Canada,\npeople don't care where you're from,", "as long as you're friendly\nand maybe loan them a smoke", "or hand over a donut.", "I'm proud to be\nfrom the Great White North.", "And I wish I was there right now.", "And we're not afraid of the dark.", "I mean, we don't love it, but who does?", "Merry Christmas.", "Ted...\n- Look inside.", "You just... If you push it towards the...\nNot down, towards the middle.", "Don't need your help.\n- Got it.", "You signed the lease.\n- Yeah. You know why?", "Because you trust me\nand think it's a great idea?", "Because I want to get to know you.\nThe new you.", "Thanks.", "By the way, in your new neighborhood,", "you really should get\na good solid deadbolt for the door.", "If you want. To live.", "Hey.", "Hey. Hey.\n- Hey.", "I'm so sorry for what happened back there.\nI acted like a total jerk.", "I shouldn't have said anything.\n- No, look, I'm sorry.", "That was your place.\nI shouldn't have tried to make it mine.", "It's just every year at the holidays,\nI get homesick.", "And so far,\nevery year I've had a reason to stay.", "A boyfriend, a job, or something.", "But this year for the first time, I don't.", "Yes, you do.\n- What?", "We all love you, okay?", "If you ever moved back to Canada,", "we would hop on a plane,\nwe would track you down,", "and after Barney dragged us to a few\nof those strip clubs you talked about...", "...we would bring you back right here\nwhere you're supposed to be.", "It's not New York\nwithout Robin Scherbatsky.", "Thanks.\n- Yeah.", "I just miss it there sometimes.", "I wish I could blink my eyes and be back\nin Canada for an hour, you know?", "I was hoping you would say that.", "Once there was this girl who", "Wouldn't go and change\nwith the girls in the change room", "How did you find this place?", "Feels like home, right?\n- There's one way to find out.", "Oh!", "Well, sorry there. Didn't see you.\nAre you okay?", "I'm fine.\n- Okay, sorry about that.", "Have a donut on the house.", "Thanks.\n- Okay.", "Okay, you bumped into him,", "and he apologized\nand gave you a donut on the house?", "Oh, it's just like home.", "Sorry! It's gonna be fine! Sorry.", "No one likes the dark.\n- Mmm-hmm.", "Next up, from Ontario, Marshall Eriksen.", "I didn't know you signed up.\nWhat are you gonna sing?", "Oh, I think you'll recognize it.", "That's okay\nI'm going to rock your body anyway", "I'm going to rock your body\ntill Canada Day", "Buddy, you can turn off the screen.\nWe know the lyrics.", "Everybody come and play\n- Everybody come and play", "Throw every last care away\n- Throw every last care away", "Let's go to the mall today\n- Let's go to the mall today"], "How I Met Your Mother S04E12 Benefits": ["Kids, in the winter of 2009,", "Aunt Robin and I had\njust become roommates.", "And to be honest,\nit wasn't going very smoothly.", "Ooh, that looks good.\nI'm gonna get some.", "Mmm. There's no more milk.\n- No, I just saw some in the fridge.", "Empty.\n- So throw it out.", "The trash can's full.\n- So take the trash out.", "I'm eating cereal.", "You know, when I asked you\nto be my roommate, I figured,", "\"She's a girl, she'll be neat. \"", "But no,\nyou're Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds.", "You know what, Ted?\nInstead of coming up with", "hot-off-the-press\ntopical references like that,", "maybe you should spend a little time,\nI don't know, washing a dish ever.", "Oh, darn, I can't.", "I'm too busy leaving a plate of cookies", "for the magical elf\nwho changes the toilet paper roll.", "Wait, there's no elf.\nIt's always me!", "I always change it. You never do!", "That is ridiculous!\n- No, I went in there yesterday...", "I changed it the last five times.\n- Stop! Stop!", "What is going on?", "When we were dating each other,\nwe were practically living together", "and we didn't drive each other this crazy.\n- I know. What happened?", "You know what it is? We were having sex.", "Men and women need sex to live together.\nIt solves all disputes.", "Oh, like Barney's theory about world peace?", "So I explained to her, I said, \"Madeline,\nevery single international conflict", "\"essentially boils down to sexual tension. \"", "Every international conflict?\n- Every single one, dude.", "So the crisis in the Middle East\ncould be solved by...", "Gaza strippers. Next.\n- Uh-huh.", "Apartheid?\n- Apart thighs. What else you got?", "Cold War?", "\"Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants. \"", "Well, guess we should\njust start having sex, then.", "Yeah, right.", "Wow.\n- I know.", "It's like riding a bike, huh, buddy?\n- Riding a bike upside down, maybe.", "Okay, listen.\nIf this is gonna happen on occasion,", "we can't tell anyone about this. Deal?", "Deal.\n- Deal.", "Marshall, Marshall...\n- What the hell are you guys doing?", "What, are you guys back together?", "No. We're just having sex\nso we don't fight anymore.", "Oh, that's a great idea. No, really.\nTwo thumbs up, guys.", "Hey, I just looked into the future and\nthat works out really great for everyone.", "What are you even doing here?", "I was on my way to work\nand I just had to drop by here", "to read this magazine.", "In that room over there.\n- Oh, I get it.", "No problem, buddy.\n- Uh... Yes, a problem, buddy.", "You came all the way over here\nto read a magazine?", "I'm willing to bet that there is a place\nto read a magazine at work.", "You know,\na room with a little man on the door?", "Okay, Robin. Come on.\nNobody likes to read a magazine at work.", "I mean, you walk out of your office\nholding a magazine", "and that magazine is saying\none thing and one thing only.", "Hey, everyone,\nlook at what Marshall's about to do!", "Marshall's about to read\na big old magazine", "in the bathroom\nthat you all share with him.", "Well, have you thought about", "maybe not reading a magazine\nwhen you read a magazine?", "You gotta read a magazine.\nI mean, that's why there's magazines.", "Otherwise,\nit's just time you're not getting back.", "Exactly. And the worst part is this,", "that stretch of hallway\nfrom my door to that restroom", "is a gauntlet of judging eyes.", "You got my boss...", "We all know exactly\nwhat you're about to do.", "her boss...", "Hey, Eriksen, why don't you\njust move your desk in there?", "...I -Can't-Believe-He-Has-A-Wife Donald.", "Oh, sweetie, so obvious.", "Anyways, I just would rather do that here.\n- No, I'm sorry. This is our apartment now.", "Marshall, you have\nto read a magazine someplace else.", "Give me your key.\n- Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.", "Marshall?\n- I seem to recall", "a deal being struck between three parties", "wherein none would discuss\na certain event that transpired.", "An event of the...", "...persuasion.", "That key, madam, buys my silence.\nGood day to you both.", "You two hooked up?", "Thanks a lot, Lily.", "So, wow. You two slept together.\nThat is awf... Some.", "Awfsome. Nice work, Ted. Tap that.", "It sounds like a bigger deal than it is.\n- Yeah, we talked it over,", "and we both realized\nwe've had a rough couple of months.", "We deserve a little fun.\n- No.", "This could wind up ruining your friendship.", "When two exes try to just be casual,\nsomeone always winds up getting hurt.", "Turned out, Lily was right.\nBut more on that later.", "Look, guys, we got this covered, okay?", "No one's gonna get hurt.\nWe set up ground rules.", "Okay, rule number one,\nthis is strictly a physical relationship.", "There are no feelings involved, okay?", "Oh, please, that's like\ntelling the Fonz to be cool.", "And since it's just physical, we don't\nhave to worry about romance, right?", "Hell, no. Oh, we can do it\nwhile we watch TV.", "Totally. We can multi-task, you know?", "Use the sex\nto spice up otherwise dull activities.", "Like folding laundry.\n- Paying bills.", "Cooking dinner.", "That doesn't seem hygienic.\n- Yeah, not that one. No.", "And now that we're hooking up,\nwe're not fighting anymore.", "Problem solved.\nActually, the credit belongs to Barney.", "This whole idea came out of your thing\nabout world peace.", "Yeah. Thanks, Barney.\nYou were right. Peace was achieved.", "Repeatedly.", "So I'm responsible for...\nExcellent. Excellent. Excellent.", "Uh...", "Next round's on me!", "Hey, are you okay?\n- Yeah. Why do you ask?", "Well, for one thing,\nyou're openly weeping.", "With joy.", "So happy for those two.\n- Barney, admit it.", "You still have feelings for Robin\nand this is killing you.", "What? I am totally fine.", "Now, excuse me for just a minute.", "Totally fine.", "Barney, you have to learn\nhow to express these feelings.", "Maybe you should talk to a psychiatrist.", "Please.", "If I'm gonna pay some woman\n$200 an hour to make me feel better,", "we aren't going to be talking.\nAnd we're both going to be on that couch.", "The woman in this scenario is a prostitute.", "A dirty, skanky, surgically enhanced,\nEastern European...", "I got it.", "And there's something kind of liberating\nabout not taking it all too seriously.", "Last night, we actually did it while\nI was returning a bunch of phone calls.", "I knew you didn't get a rowing machine.", "Awesome, we're still talking about this!", "Look, guys, this is a private thing\nbetween me and Ted.", "Private Thing.\n- Private Thing.", "We wouldn't even be talking about this\nif Marshall could read a magazine at work.", "He's always been this way.", "Remember law school?\n- Sure do.", "Baby? Baby, what is it?\n- The credit card bill came today.", "You checked into a hotel\ntwo blocks from the school on a Tuesday.", "It's not what you think.\n- Who is she, Marshall? What's her name?", "Burrito. Carnitas Burrito.", "So, you checked into a hotel room\njust so you could read a magazine there?", "Hey, Robin, do you want me to see\nif the waitress has any giant sugar cubes", "for that high horse of yours?", "Nobody likes to read a magazine at work,", "and if they say that they do,\nthen they're not human.", "Dude, I read a magazine at work every day.", "I can't tell you how many meetings\nI've been late to", "because I was busy reading a magazine.", "But I don't feel bad about it.\nThat's my time.", "Sure, \"reading a magazine\" ain't pretty,", "but, you know, it's something I gotta do.\nSo why be ashamed about it?", "Wait, reading a magazine\nmeans masturbating, right?", "I can't believe it.\nYou drank all my milk again.", "We can have sex.\n- Okay.", "It's the perfect setup.", "Anytime we start getting into\nan argument,", "we just have sex instead.\n- Ha!", "One minute we're just laying into\neach other, and then the next minute...", "Well, same thing.", "Awesome.", "So, this morning,\nshe's yelling at me through the door,", "\"You're taking too long in the shower!\"\nNext thing I know, she hops in.", "Now baby don't mind I took my time.", "So awesome.", "Sorry I'm late.", "I was just jamming on Scherbatsky.\nShe used up all my stamps,", "so long story short,\nthe postman rang twice.", "You must bump this!", "That's just so...", "Excuse me for a second.", "So, you're saying plasmas\nare better for low light,", "but LCDs are better for games?", "Right, but the CRTs have the truest blacks.", "So, if I want a really crisp contrast ratio...\n- The CRT's deep-pixel cell structure", "produces a resolution\nyou just can't match with an LCD.", "Uh-huh.", "I'll take the CRT.", "Barney, this is nuts.\n- I'm doing just fine, thank you.", "No, you're not.\nYou need to learn to let this stuff out.", "Like we do in my kindergarten class.\nFeelings Hour every Tuesday morning.", "Look, Lily, maybe your kindergartners", "are upset that their friends\nare sleeping with each other, but not me.", "I have never been better.", "Meanwhile,\nMarshall was still struggling at work.", "Coming through.\nBig breakfast this morning.", "You know what that means.", "But then came the best news\nhe'd heard in a long time.", "And did you hear? They laid off\neverybody on the eighth floor.", "I know. It's a ghost town down there.", "Morning.\n- Morning.", "Hey, that was fun last night.\n- Word, that was a good one.", "Mental note,\ndon't throw out the pizza box more often.", "All right, see you later.", "Uh-oh.", "Uh-oh.", "So last night,\nRobin left a pizza box out on the floor,", "so we had sex three times.\n- Sure.", "And then, this morning\nbefore I left for work, we kissed.", "That's weird. That is weird.", "Right? That kiss violated the spirit\nof our whole arrangement.", "I mean, she probably thinks\nI'm getting feelings for her.", "Well, are you?\n- Yes, I'm in love with her.", "Is what you... That's you, dude.", "No. It didn't mean anything.", "It was just some leftover reflex\nfrom when we were a couple.", "But I think I probably blew it.\n- Definitely. It is so over.", "Hold the phone.\nMaybe Robin didn't think it was weird.", "It was weird.\nWeird, weird, weird, weird, weird.", "W- I-E-R-D, weird.", "That's not how you spell weird.\n- Come on, Lily. Nobody likes a Ted.", "I tried to warn you. When exes relapse,\nsomeone always gets hurt.", "But no one listened. Story of my life.", "My cuteness interferes\nwith people hearing my message.", "Well, what should I do?", "There's only one thing to do.", "You have to\nstop sleeping together, please.", "I think we have to stop sleeping together.\nWith me and Ted, it's like cigarettes.", "You have one when you're drunk\nand you think it's fine.", "But before you know it,\nyou're buying a carton a week.", "I think I have to end it.", "Yup. I have to end it.", "So, we're ending it, huh?", "I think so, yeah.\n- It's probably for the best.", "Mmm-hmm.", "It was fun,\nbut I don't want things to get weird.", "Me neither.\n- Roomies?", "Roomies.", "Robin!", "But we tell no one. Deal?", "Deal.\n- Deal.", "Dude!\n- Come on!", "What is the matter with you?", "That one.", "So, that didn't last long.", "By the way, Marshall, what were you doing\nback in our apartment?", "I thought you had the perfect situation.", "I did.", "Everything was going great.", "I was feeling more comfortable,\nmore confident.", "I felt I could take on the world.", "Till one morning, I took my magazine\ndown to the eighth floor.", "We gotta gut this whole place.\nI need these walls taken out here and here.", "You got it.\n- All right.", "Celebrities pick up their dry cleaning?\nI pick up my dry cleaning.", "Don't come in!", "So that didn't last long.", "Oh, thanks.\n- What are you doing?", "Oh, well, since all these roomie squabbles", "are still causing friction between you\nand Robin, I thought I'd help out.", "Oh, BTW, I went by the post office today.\nI picked you up some stamps.", "Here's 10,000. That ought to do you.", "Um, okay. Thanks, I guess.\nHey, you want a beer?", "Okay.\n- Whoa!", "Yeah, I picked those up on the way over.\nIt was nothing.", "Did you buy us a dishwasher?", "No. That dishwasher's always been there.\nHow long have you lived here?", "So, you're doing all this\nto keep me and Robin from fighting, huh?", "Exactly. I worry about you two.", "It bothers you that Robin and I\nare hooking up, doesn't it?", "No. Not at all. That's crazy.", "What?", "Are you in love with Robin?", "You're in love with Robin.\nThat's why you don't want us hooking up.", "What? That is crazy talk.", "Can't a bro clean another bro's apartment\nlike bros do?", "Name me one bro in the history of bros\nwho has ever done that.", "Um...", "I'll name two.\nMisters Clean and Belvedere.", "Look, this thing with me and Robin,\nit's totally casual.", "I'm not gonna freak out if you tell me\nyou have feelings for her. So, do you?", "No. No, I don't. I don't, no.\nI don't. I don't. No.", "Robin is all yours, dude. Have fun with her.", "Now, if you'll excuse me,\nI'm gonna go sleep with other girls.", "Are you sure?\n- Yes!", "Positive?\n- Absolutely.", "And then I stormed out. Why did I do that?", "I mean,\nmaybe it goes back to my father issues,", "but I basically gave my best friend license\nto have sex with the girl of my dreams.", "I totally sabotaged myself.", "And now I'm smoking. Now I'm smoking.", "Get out.", "But it's Feelings Hour\nand I'm holding Feely the Share Bear.", "And whoever's holding\nFeely the Share Bear", "gets to sit in the share chair.", "Barney,\nthis is not your private therapist's office.", "These kids have issues to talk about, too,\nyou know.", "Ben's parents are getting divorced.", "They are?", "Who wants to do some coloring?", "Oh, great. Did Lily send you?\nI don't have the bear, okay?", "I'm not giving it back!", "Why are you smiling?", "Oh,", "I just read a magazine. Here at work.", "What?\n- Yeah. It's the funniest thing.", "I was online, looking up rates for hotels", "when I realized something.", "This is stupid.", "I decided it was time\nto let go of my hang-ups", "and do the thing I gotta do, and once\nI made that decision, everything changed.", "There's a young man\nwho's comfortable with who he is.", "I know what you're about to do,\nand I respect you for it.", "Hey, Eriksen. Go the distance.", "Marshall, you made a brave step today.", "Remember what Shakespeare wrote,", "\"Virtue is bold,\nand goodness never fearful. \"", "You're right, Super-Hot-Lady", "Who-My-Wife-Keeps-Telling-Me\nWhy-You're-Famous-But-I-Keep-Forgetting.", "Let's do this.\n- Lead the way.", "Wow, Marshall. Congratulations.", "Thanks. I was gonna\nhave to do it eventually, you know?", "Sometimes you just gotta man up\nand just go for it.", "Marshall, I have to go.", "Oh, by the way, I have a bathroom here\nif you ever want to use it.", "Son of a...", "Ted, I have to tell you the truth.\nI'm in love with", "tacos.", "What are you doing?\n- I'm taking out the trizzash.", "If you're looking for Ted, he left.", "And our little arrangement is over,\nby the way.", "Really? That's awes... Full.", "Awesful?\n- Yeah, it's just awesful.", "What happened?\n- He just insisted.", "He said he couldn't do it anymore\nbecause someone's gonna get hurt.", "I think we all know who he meant by that.\n- Do we?", "Isn't it obvious?", "Is it?\n- Yeah.", "It's Ted.", "Oh.\n- You know what a romantic he is.", "He can't separate\nthe physical from the emotional.", "He's all like...\n- I love you.", "Exactly. He's not like you, you know?", "Besides, we're friends. I don't want\nto screw that up by getting involved.", "Dating friends never works out.", "So you want to get a taco?", "A taco?", "You love them, remember?", "Right.\n- Come on, I'm hungry.", "Wake up, I'm trying to show you", "I wanna come clean", "So Robin and I went back\nto just being roommates,", "and things went back to normal.\nYour Aunt Lily was right.", "When two exes decide to just be casual,\nsomeone always gets hurt.", "It just wasn't one of us.", "The one that you put on a pedestal"], "How I Met Your Mother S04E13 Three Days of Snow": ["Kids, in our sophomore year\nof college,", "when Aunt Lily came back\nfrom spring break,", "Uncle Marshall surprised her at the airport.", "And she surprised him\nwith a six-pack of locally brewed beer.", "Fort Lager-Dale! Get it?", "And with that, a ritual was born.", "For the next 11 years, whenever\neither of them would fly anywhere...", "Minne-Cider! Get it?", "...the reunion was always commemorated\nwith a chauffeur sign", "and a six-pack from wherever they'd been.", "Aspen Yards Ale! Get it?", "Actually, no.\n- Me, neither. I was hoping you would.", "But then, one night in January of 2009,\nthe unthinkable happened.", "I'm not picking her up.\n- What?", "Lily doesn't want me taking a cab\nall the way to the airport", "just to take a cab\nall the way back, you know?", "But the six-pack thing.", "Ted, that stuff was fun\nwhen we were younger,", "but we've grown past that. As we mature,\nthe relationship matures with us.", "But, I mean, you guys are such\nan inspiration to the rest of us,", "how you're so devoted and connected.", "I look at you guys,\nand that's all I want in the whole world.", "Ted, there's two college girls outside,\nand they look easy!", "So, Arizona...", "You know, I've always wanted to see\nwhat an Arizona driver's license looks like.", "I already ran that play, bro.\nThey're 21. We're good.", "Thank God.\nSo, what brings you guys to town?", "Our band's got a gig.", "You're in a band?\nHey, maybe we can come see you play.", "Excuse us for a sec.", "Ted, what the hell is the matter with you?", "We're not gonna go see them play.\n- Why not?", "If we see them play, we're no better\nthan the bleach-blonde bimbos", "who flash their boobs\nat a Van Halen concert.", "Yeah, but don't those girls get to have sex\nwith Van Halen after the show?", "If you want to have sex with Van Halen,\ndo it on your own time, Ted.", "We are not the\n\"maybe we can come see you play\" guys.", "We're the other guys,", "the older guys who never showed up\nand whose approval they now crave.", "So, we're their dads?\n- Exactly.", "Okay.", "It's a big meeting,\nso I don't think we're gonna make it.", "Maybe next time, kiddos.", "But if you guys want\nto meet up after your show,", "maybe we could exchange numbers...\n- Excuse us for a minute.", "Ted, have you gone completely insane?\nWe don't want their phone numbers.", "Yeah. I don't know what I was doing.\nI guess I panicked out there.", "When you exchange numbers with a chick,", "you give them the ability\nto call and cancel.", "If you set a date without a number,\nthey have to show up.", "Check and mate!", "The only digits I need are these.", "Honka.", "Are you still their dad?", "So, why don't we just meet here\ntomorrow night around 10:00?", "I think it's supposed to snow.\nWhat do we do if there's a blizzard?", "Either way, we'll be here.\n- Snow problem.", "Excuse us just one last second.", "What is the problem now?", "Nice one.", "Thanks.\n- Yeah.", "All right, we'll see you tomorrow night.", "Totally.\n- Awesome!", "\"Totally. \" \"Awesome!\"\nMan, these college chicks sound stupid.", "Totally.\n- Awesome.", "So, here's the thing, tomorrow night,\ndress to move, it's gonna be a mess!", "I still think\nwe should've gotten their numbers.", "You always assume something\nis gonna go wrong.", "Ted, I promise you,\nnothing is gonna go wrong.", "Hey, it's starting to snow.", "Kids, the blizzard of '09\nwas a monster.", "It snowed for three days straight,\nwhich led to three amazing stories.", "I'll start with me and Barney.", "It's pretty nasty out there.\nI don't think they're coming.", "Of course they're coming. They have to.", "If I can land just one of these girls,\nI'll have party school bingo.", "Come on, Ted. You're the only one here.\n- Oh, sorry. What's party school bingo?", "Every year, Playboy releases a list\nof the top party schools in the country.", "I take the top 25,\nand I make up a bingo card.", "All I need is Arizona Tech, which is crazy.", "In league play, that would normally\nbe designated a free space.", "So, how many people are in\non this party school bingo thing?", "Oh, it's just me.\n- So what's the point, then?", "The point is to get five in a row.", "And what do you get\nwhen you get five in a row?", "I get bingo.", "Thanks for coming by.", "I monkeyed around with the thermostat\nfor about an hour", "before I realized it was the intercom.\n- Yeah, I heard you swearing downstairs.", "Hey, so, Lily's flight's coming in tonight.\nYou're really not gonna go pick her up?", "Robin, Robin, like I said, as we mature,\nour relationship matures with us.", "Yeah, well, if I know your wife,\nshe's gonna get you that six-pack anyway.", "Marshall? Marshall?", "Puget Stout.\nA most exquisite Seattle microbrew.", "And speaking of six-packs...", "What are you doing?\n- I'm going to the airport.", "How could I be so stupid?\nOf course she's bringing me a six-pack!", "But this time, I didn't bring him a six-pack.", "Because as we mature,\nthe relationship matures with us.", "Well, he sounds like a nice young man.", "I'll bet he surprises you\nand picks you up anyway.", "Oh, baby.\n- Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.", "Where's my beer?\n- We said we weren't gonna.", "I have beer.", "Wow. A six-pack\nand you're an appropriate height for me.", "Let's go, New Lily.", "Oh, man, I got to get some beer.", "Folks, this is your captain speaking.", "Looks like we're going to be arriving\nan hour early.", "Yes!", "Drink up, boys. I'm closing the bar.", "Whoa, no! It's only 9:00.\n- And this place is raging, yo!", "Guys, I'm really sorry, but I got to go\nset up cots in the church basement.", "It doubles as a shelter\non snowy nights like this.", "You selfish bastard!", "There are two very hot girls\ncoming here to meet us.", "Can't you just leave the place open\na little while longer?", "We'll keep an eye on everything.\n- You two? No way.", "You wouldn't know the first thing\nabout running a bar.", "Serve the hotties first?\n- Here's the keys.", "Here's the keys.", "As soon as your girls show up,\nyou turn off the lights and you lock up.", "And I don't want to come back here\nand find this place trashed.", "Wow, seriously?\n- I can trust you guys.", "To understand what it meant\nto us to get the keys to MacLaren's,", "I have to take you back a few years,\nto the night that I uttered five little words", "that every man, at some point in his life,\nwill say.", "We should buy a bar.\n- Of course, we should buy a bar!", "We should totally buy a bar.\n- We should totally buy a bar.", "Our bar would be awesome.\n- And dude, dude, dude, dude,", "the name of our bar, Puzzles.", "People will be like,\n\"Why is it called Puzzles?\"", "That's the puzzle.", "That is", "a great name for a bar!", "And also, at Puzzles, no last call.\n- No last call!", "Only when every single person is finished\nhaving the greatest night of his or her life", "do we stack the chairs on the table", "and power down\nthe three-story margarita waterfall.", "We should buy a bar.\n- We should buy a bar.", "And like the other ill-advised\nfive-word sentences", "every man eventually says in his life...", "I can jump that far.", "I'm gonna win her back.", "I can trust you guys.", "...we would come to regret it.\nWe just didn't know it yet.", "Aruba, Jamaica\nooh I wanna take ya", "Bermuda, Bahama\ncome on pretty mama", "Key Largo, Montego\nbaby why don't we go", "Ooh I wanna take you\ndown to Kokomo", "We'll get there fast\nand then we'll take it slow", "That's where we wanna go\nway down in Kokomo", "You have it? Awesome, I'll be right there.", "Ranjit!\n- Hello.", "I'm Rachel Sondheimer.\n- Wait a minute, Lily.", "If you are getting off the plane,\nwhere is Marshall?", "And where is your six-pack?", "That's the problem. I have to get to\nBrewniverse in East Meadow in an hour.", "To the Town Car!\n- Thank you.", "Barkeep, Triple Sec.\n- Coming right up, tap-minder.", "Hey!\n- Hey!", "We'll get one.", "Order up!\n- Order up. Okay.", "We'll get one.\n- Oh, thank God you're still here.", "I don't know if you guys\nhave ever seen Star Wars,", "but it's like Hoth out there.\n- Dibs.", "It reminds me of when I used\nto go sledding with my dad, before he left.", "And dibs.\n- So, can we warm you up with a drink?", "Sure. Oh, by the way, I invited the rest\nof the band to come and meet us.", "We were hoping to get drunk.\nI mean, really drunk.", "Like my dad used to.\n- Dibsity, dibsity, dibsity.", "Well, I guess we could keep the place open\na little bit longer.", "As long as it's just you and the band.", "Melissa, what kind of band is this?", "We're the Arizona Tech\nFighting Hens Marching Band.", "Go, Hens!\n- Go, Hens!", "And then,\nyour Uncle Barney and I", "had one of our telepathic conversations.", "Dude, Carl's gonna kill us if we don't\nkick everyone out of here right now.", "Aruba, Jamaica\nooh I wanna take ya", "Barney, I'm serious. We promised\nwe wouldn't mess the place up.", "Bermuda, Bahama\ncome on pretty mama", "All right, I guess you have a point.", "The bar is open!", "Who wants a beer, huh?", "I still say this is stupid.", "What happened to, \"As we mature,\nthe relationship matures with us\"?", "That's just something\nLily read in Psychology Today.", "All right, she read it in Cosmo.\nAll right, I read it in Cosmo.", "All right, it was Cosmo Girl!\nJust drive, okay?", "I just don't get why it's such a big deal\nthat one little ritual goes by the wayside.", "It's not just this, okay?\nIt's all of our little rituals.", "Do you know what we used to do\nevery day, the second I got home?", "Man, I don't want to hear\nabout your crazy monkey sex.", "We would tell each other\nwhat we had to eat that day.", "Two eggs, a slice of cheese pizza\nand some steamed veggies.", "Everything bagel, chicken breast,", "some celery sticks\nand a spoon of peanut butter.", "Crazy monkey sex?\n- Crazy monkey sex.", "Lily, TMI, too many informations.", "And you know what else I miss?\nOur lunchtime phone call.", "Hey, baby, it's lunchtime, and I love you.", "I reciprocate in principle,", "although with the caveat that there seems\nto be a bit of a surplus here on my end.", "No, I love you more.", "Do we need to get in a room together\nand bang this thing out?", "Those sound like agreeable terms,\nalthough I may need to adjust my briefs.", "Love you, too.", "But today when she called,\nI let it go to voicemail. Voicemail!", "How could you?", "The thing I miss most is kissing\nat midnight on New Year's Eve.", "It was a New Year's tradition.\nBut you know what we did this year?", "Crazy monkey sex?\n- No.", "Okay, all these cute, adorable little rituals?", "Yeah.\n- They're stupid.", "Telling each other what you had to eat?\nYou're like children playing house.", "Well, maybe you just think they're stupid", "because you've never been\nin a relationship", "long enough to develop them.", "What?\n- Yeah, you don't understand love, okay?", "You're like some robot\nwho sees a person crying and says,", "\"Why is that human leaking?\"", "Is that right?\n- Yeah.", "Well, then, robot initiating", "pull-over-to-the-side-of-the-road-\nuntil-jackass-apologizes-to-me sequence.", "My robot was, like, a million times better.", "Hey, just so you know,\nthe trough in the bathroom is overflowing.", "There's no trough in the bathroom.\nAnd you just came out of the kitchen.", "Ted, what's in a gin and tonic?\nWhat's in a gin and tonic?", "Okay, running a bar sucks.\nLet's just close up.", "No! No! There's no last call.", "Puzzles, go for Barney.", "Good. You're still there. I'll be there in five.", "Last call!", "Robin, there's a snowplow coming.\nWe have to get back on the road.", "You think the only way to be in love\nis to have pet names.", "Or leave each other stupid, little notes,", "or go charging off into a blizzard\nfor no good reason.", "Do you understand what's\ngonna happen if that plow comes by?", "You know what you are?", "You're a love snob.\n- Okay.", "There's lots of ways\nto be in a relationship,", "and you would know that if you ever\nleft your little love snob country club.", "We're going to get buried by snow.\nThat's going to happen.", "No, screw this.\nI'm not going to sit here and be insulted.", "We're not going to the airport.\nWe're going home.", "What just happened?", "Hey, hey, hi. We called earlier\nabout the Seattle microbrew.", "Yeah, good thing you called when you did.\nI was getting ready to close up.", "Storm of the century out there.", "Of course, it's only '09, so storm of the\ncentury might be a little bit premature.", "Let's say storm of the year.\nAlthough, it is only January.", "We're kind of in a hurry,\nso we'll take the beer now.", "You are a cute couple.", "Thank you.\n- We're not a couple.", "Thank God. That would be weird.", "Well, here she is. Supersonic Tonic.", "No. This is a keg. I need a six-pack.", "A keg's all I got.\n- We'll take the keg.", "What? Oh, no.\nLast time I had one of these in the car,", "I wound up chipping dried vomit\noff the seat with a putty knife.", "I'm sorry, Ranjit, but this is a ritual,\nand I am bringing him this beer.", "If you could just put it in the car.", "I'll give you 50 bucks.\n- To the Town Car.", "Look, Robin, I'm sorry. You're not a robot.", "I mean, if you are,\nyou're an incredibly advanced model,", "and the human race\ndoesn't stand a chance.", "You just don't choose to show your love\nthrough corny rituals, and that's fine.", "But maybe the reason Lily and I do\nis because we always have,", "and we don't know any other way.", "One thing I do know is that\nif she's there sitting at the airport alone,", "I have to go get her. Those are the rules.", "Marshall, close your eyes.", "I don't know how you heard any of that\nas me hitting on you, but...", "Just do it.", "Now, let's go get your woman.", "All right, come on.", "You don't have to go home,\nbut you can't stay here.", "I've always wanted to say that.\nI mean, in a bar.", "I say it all the time at home.", "Dude, someday we should buy a bar.", "And when we do,\nwe are never going to have last call.", "Come on, Barney. We said no last call.\nWe got to mean it.", "Well, what are we supposed to do?\nCarl's going to be here any minute.", "Only one thing we can do.", "Dude, running a bar is a pain in the ass.\nWe should just stick with what we know.", "We should start a band.\n- Of course we should start a band.", "How have we not started a band yet?", "Kids, sometimes in life,\nthe planets align, everything links up,", "and your timing is perfect.", "Marshall?\n- Lily?", "Marshall?", "Lily?", "This wasn't one of those times.", "Where is she?\n- Seattle.", "What?\n- Her flight's canceled. It never took off.", "No, no, she would've called me and...", "Hey, baby, it's me. My flight's been\ncanceled because of some snowstorm", "and they couldn't rebook me till Thursday,\nso I'm stuck here for another two days.", "But it's lunchtime, and I love you.", "Like I said,\nthis was a three-day storm.", "Tuesday...", "I still say this is stupid.", "Wednesday", "and Thursday.", "...microbrew.", "So, on Tuesday,\nwhen Marshall heard that message...", "She's not coming in till Thursday.", "I mean, we came all the way down here,\nand she's not coming in till Thursday.", "I feel so stupid.", "Look, let's just...\nLet's not tell Lily about any of this, okay?", "Especially the part\nabout you hitting on me.", "I didn't hit on you.\n- Exactly.", "Then on Wednesday...", "Oh, man, I can't believe\nyou drove all the way out there.", "Now you're just going to turn around", "and drive all the way out there\nagain tomorrow.", "Yeah, no.\nThis whole thing was a sign, you know?", "It's time to put that old ritual to bed.\nI'm not going to pick her up.", "And Robin really hit on you?\n- Dude, it was weird.", "Bros, this party is awesome!\nYou are true friends of the Fighting Hens.", "If you ever need anything,\ndon't hesitate to ask.", "Is the flute section seeing anyone?", "So, wait, you're really\nnot gonna pick her up?", "Yeah, really.", "So, the New Year's kiss,\nthe lunchtime phone calls,", "the whole \"this is what I ate today\" thing,\nyou're really letting it all go?", "I really am.", "Which brings us to Thursday.", "A muffin, a pastrami sandwich\nand a bag of chips.", "And I know it's way past lunchtime,\nbut I love you.", "More and more each day, I love you, Lily.\nHappy New Year.", "Wait, does this mean that I have to bring", "a marching band\nto the airport from now on?", "Absolutely, it does.\n- Oh, crap.", "Go, Hens!\nGo, Hens!", "Puzzles.\n- That is a great band name.", "Hey, have you seen Amanda?", "Bingo!"], "How I Met Your Mother S04E14 The Possimpible": ["I can't believe Metro News 1 is just\nforwarding you all this fan mail now.", "I know. I quit, like, four months ago.\n- Wow, you had more fans than I thought.", "And only about 60% of them\nare prison inmates.", "What are these guys thinking?", "I am way past my dating prisoners phase.", "It's like, hello,\nI'm not 19 anymore, you know?", "Lottery girl's on.", "I just feel sorry for these women.\nThis is where broadcast careers go to die.", "Check it out. I make it fun.\nI invented a little game.", "Tonight's lotto numbers are...", "...nineteen...", "Age you moved to New York", "after a photographer \"discovered\" you\nat a food court", "and said he'd get you in Vogue magazine.", "Fifty-three...", "Number of semi-nude pictures\nhe took of you", "before you realized he had no connection\nto Vogue magazine.", "Twenty-two...\n- Age you claim you are.", "Thirty-one...\n- Age you actually are.", "Forty-five.", "Number of minutes it would\ntake me to get you into a cab,", "out of your dress, and into my Jacuzzi.\n- And the super big ball is...", "What happens after\nwe get out of the Jacuzzi.", "What up?", "Kids, by the winter of 2009,\nRobin had been unemployed for months.", "But there was a glimmer of hope.", "Hey!\n- Hey, how'd the audition go?", "Well, I went in there feeling really good.", "I heard it was just me\nup against two other girls.", "Listening.", "Hi.\n- Hi.", "Robin Scherbatsky.", "And you are?", "You've obviously\nnever spent any time in Denver.", "Rochelle Harper, News Center 12.", "We were only the number one station\nin the Rockies for five straight years.", "I was an anchor here in town\nat Metro News 1.", "Ooh, an anchor.\nYou must have a killer signoff phrase.", "I'm sorry?\n- You gotta have a killer signoff phrase.", "Like Walter Cronkite.\n\"And that's the way it is. \"", "So what's yours?", "Well, I would just always end\nwith a simple", "\"From all of us here at Metro News 1,\nhave a good evening. \"", "Mine is \"From all of us here\nat Barney's apartment, get out. \"", "You didn't let those reporter bitches\npsych you out, did you?", "And the President's economic team is\nhoping to have a proposal before Congress", "by the end of the month.", "From all of us here at News 10,\nhave a good evening.", "So, good night, New York.", "And may the road ahead\nbe lit with dreams and tomorrows.", "Which are lit with dreams, also.", "Wow. That's terrible. And bad, also.", "I wasn't done.", "Stand tall, New York.\nTrustworthy. Recycling.", "Wear a condom.", "Wear a condom?", "I'm not gonna be\nthe new Channel 10 anchor, am I?", "This just in. No.", "Maybe the problem is your resum\u00e9.", "See how mine is lean and mean?\nYours is too cluttered.", "Like everything on your resum\u00e9\nis so relevant.", "\"Program Director,\n88.1 Wesleyan University Radio?\"", "Oh, God.\n- Dr. X? You're still bragging about Dr. X?", "Who was Dr. X?\n- Nobody knows.", "He was this genius mystery DJ.\n- It was Ted.", "His identity remains a secret to this day.\n- It was Ted.", "But this phantom of the airwaves\nchanged the very face of college radio.", "It was Ted.\n- And your show sucked.", "Dr. X here, shooting truth bullets\nat you from an undisclosed location.", "Because if they knew where I was,\nthey'd shut me down.", "You're on the third floor of the Student\nCenter next to the game room, you tool.", "I've been getting a lot of letters\nabout my segment", "on how racist the school's meal plan is.", "How are you getting letters\nif no one knows where you are, douche?", "That's why I'm organizing a happening\noutside the dining hall,", "Monday at midnight.", "It's high time\nthe food service puppet masters", "took ignorance and injustice off the menu.", "Hey, Ted,\nwe need a fourth for foosball.", "What are you doing in here, anyway?", "Dude, get out of here!\nI'll be there in a second.", "So, remember, dining hall,\nMonday, midnight.", "Another Dr. X happening.", "I'll be there,\nbecause X marks the spot-ot-ot-ot.", "If you think people liked your show,\nthey did not-ot-ot-ot.", "This is weird. Look what got mixed in", "with your fan mail.\n- What?", "It's from the U.S. Department\nof Immigration.", "It's postmarked two months ago.", "Oh, boy.\n- What is it?", "It's about my work visa.", "Unless I can find a job\nin the next seven days,", "they're gonna send me back to Canada.", "I can't believe\nyou might be kicked out of the country.", "I know. My whole life is here.", "No. We won't let this happen.\nI mean, one of us will help you find a job.", "Yeah, I bet I can get you\nsomething at my school.", "No, guys. It doesn't work that way.", "Robin only gets her work visa\nif she gets a job in her field.", "I mean, you know what? I guess you\ncould stay if you married a U.S. citizen.", "Yeah, that could work.", "No, no. They could never process that and\nmake it official in time. That won't work.", "I'm screwed. I've been sending out\nmy reel for three months, and nothing.", "Well, maybe there's something in your reel\nthat people aren't responding to.", "Let's take a look at it, right?", "That's a good question, Norm.", "Okay, the first thing is from when I was\na cub reporter for Channel 22 in Red Deer.", "In Alberta. In Canada.", "Ooh.", "Canada.\n- Right.", "Well, the snow's coming down pretty hard,", "but these intrepid fishermen are\nstill happy to be out competing,", "in Lake Athabasca's Bass\nFishing Jamboree, an August 1st tradition.", "Back to you, Norm.", "What? That was my first job.\nIt shows where I came from.", "Unless a bear attacks you\nin the next three seconds", "and you snap its neck with your legs,\nthat has no business being on your reel.", "No, no, I get it, I get it.", "Where you're from\nis part of who you're selling.", "For instance,\nunder Special Skills on my resum\u00e9,", "I mention that back in Minnesota,", "I was the 1995 Nicollet County\nSlam Dunk Champion.", "You put dunk champion on your resum\u00e9?", "Yeah, why wouldn't you?\nA lot of companies have basketball teams.", "It's good for them to know", "that Vanilla Thunder\ncan still take the rock to the hole.", "They called you Vanilla Thunder?\n- Yeah, Vanilla Thunder.", "The Ghost in the Post.\nThe Human Turnstile.", "I didn't play that much D.", "You can't still dunk.\n- Of course I can.", "Well, I mean, I could, until recently.\n- Until the injury.", "It's called iliopsoas tendonitis.\n- Yikes. That sounds bad.", "It's more commonly known\nas dancer's hip.", "Dr. Goodman...", "Oh, come on! lliopsoas tendonitis.", "That's what it's called.\nThat's all it's called.", "Iliopsoas tendonitis.", "It's a basketball injury.\nYou know, it's no big whoop.", "Dancer's hip, Marshall has\nsomething called dancer's hip.", "Okay, no, no, okay.", "They only call it that, look, because\nit's very common with ballet dancers.", "So, tell me, do any of the other little girls\nin your class have dancer's hip?", "Yeah, sure.", "I have more of a technical question.\n- Yes?", "Is it easier to dance\nwhen you don't have external genitalia?", "Good, don't build to that,\njust go right for it.", "Guys, come on.\nMarshall didn't get this injury from dancing.", "Thank you, Lily.", "Clearly, the stirrups were set a little\ntoo wide during his last trip to the gyno.", "Guys, guys, I hate to cut you off\nbefore Marshall bursts into tears,", "but, Robin, check this out. What you need\nis an awesome video resum\u00e9.", "Like mine. I present", "barneysvideoresume. com.", "Oh! Hello.", "Barney Stinson,", "you've achieved great success in business,", "athletics and personal relationships and\nhave been an inspiration to many people.", "Is that you? Are you interviewing yourself?", "How can it be me? That guy's British.", "What would you recommend\nto your numerous admirers", "who want to reach their highest potential?", "And a wee bit Scottish.", "The first thing you need to know about\nsuccess is that it doesn't just come to you.", "Most people associate success with money\nand power, but really, it's a state of mind.", "You had to be on a motorcycle to say that?", "And when it comes to success,\nthe only limit is that there are no limits.", "Hey, I didn't know you knew how to\nstand near a horse, that's impressive.", "Barney, I don't get it. You don't do\na damn thing in any of these clips.", "Exactly. Because that's who\nCorporate America wants,", "people who seem like bold risk takers,\nbut never actually do anything.", "Actually doing things gets you fired.", "In fact, I'm writing a book\non this very phenomenon.", "Really, you're writing a book?", "No, that would be doing...\nAre you even listening?", "All my life, I have dared\nto go past what is possible.", "To the impossible?", "Actually, past that,", "to the place where the possible\nand the impossible meet to become", "the possimpible.", "The possimpible? Really?", "Inventing your own word\nshows creativity and vision.", "Visativity.", "If I can leave you with one thought,\nit's this,", "nothing and everything is possimpible.", "Barney Stinson, Barney Stinson", "That guy's awesome", "Is that you again?\nAre you singing a song about yourself?", "Absolutely not. That would be lame.", "Stinson, Barney Stinson\nsinging this song", "That would be really lame", "One of the many admirers\nwho think that guy's awesome", "Perfect and available", "Awesome, awesome, awesome\nawesome, awesome, awesome", "Awesome! Awesome!", "Awesome, awesome, awesome\nawesome, awesome, awesome", "Awesome!", "That baby got me 11 job offers.", "No. No way.\n- Yeah.", "Barney, that was ridiculous and insane.\n- Insane-ulous.", "Make me one.\n- What?", "Yes, now you're talking.\n- What?", "I'm about to be deported. I'll try anything.", "Okay, we better get started.\nThere's a lot to shoot,", "and I don't think I can use any\nof the footage I already have of you.", "What footage do you already have of me?", "Let's just get started.", "Sweetie, are you still upset\nabout the dancer's hip jokes?", "No.", "We were just kidding.\nWe all know it's a basketball injury.", "Yeah, no, totally.", "Lily, I have something I need to tell you.\n- What is it?", "I dance more than you know.", "What?\n- I dance, more than you know.", "I don't know how to respond to that.", "So, Robin, what does\nbeing a reporter mean to you?", "Well, ever since I was a little kid...\n- Cut!", "Robin, you're getting bogged down\nin specifics.", "I need you to just say vague,\nconfident-sounding buzzwords,", "like synergy and dynamism.\nYou can make up a word, like linkativity.", "How will sounding like an idiot\nget me hired anywhere?", "Okay, fine. Don't do it.", "Anyway, I'm sure there are plenty of\nexciting stories to cover back in Canada.", "I just read that the mayor of Winnipeg's\nnephew went ice fishing", "and caught himself a 16-pound walleye.", "\"Reporting live from the worst place\nin the world, I'm Robin Scherbatsky. \"", "Okay, fine. Roll camera.", "Connectitude.\n- Love it.", "Transformatation.\n- Earn it!", "Linkativity!", "Yeah, linkativity's mine.", "So, how much dancing\nare we talking about?", "I don't... I guess I'd say medium.", "Why are you dancing so much,\nand why don't I know about it?", "It's something I do when I'm alone.\nYou know, like if something good happens,", "I get excited and I need to move,\nand I just...", "I don't know. I don't want to\neven talk about this anymore.", "So that's how you injured your hip?", "Hey, did you hear? They're giving us\na half day today. We can leave at 2:00.", "Great! Thanks, Herm.", "Barney, these costumes are ridiculous.", "Plus, the Amazon warrior princess armor\ngave me a rash.", "Cards on the table, you weren't\nthe first lady to wear that in here.", "But it conveyed power. And so will this.\nWhat I need you to do now", "is break these 15 bricks\nwith your forehead.", "What? But you didn't do a damn thing\nin your video.", "You just stood near a horse\nand sat on a motorcycle.", "That's because I'm a man.\nYou're a woman.", "The assumption\nis that you can't do anything.", "But you have to prove society wrong.\n- I can't break 15 bricks with my forehead.", "Robin, it's not 1950 anymore. Yes, you can.", "I'm out of here.\n- What? Why?", "None of this is going to help me get a job.\nI'm about to get kicked out of the country.", "I know what I have to do.", "Is this where the lottery girl auditions are?", "Yeah, right here.", "So, kids, your Aunt Robin\nhad reached her low point.", "She was auditioning to be the lottery girl.", "And tonight's lotto numbers are...\n- Hold it.", "Say the line before you press the button.", "It builds the suspense.\n- It builds the suspense.", "Okay.", "And tonight's lotto numbers are...", "Seventeen...\n- Stop her.", "Hold it.\n- Why did she say it like that?", "It's like she's not even happy\nabout the 17 coming up.", "She seems mean.\n- Yeah, she seems super-mean.", "Can you take another run at 17 for us?", "Seventeen.", "Okay, I don't even understand\nwhat she's doing.", "Let me try something.\n- All right.", "Try being a little more wry.", "Wry? About the number 17?", "Wry, with a little bit of a...\n- Twinkle.", "...twinkle.", "Seventeen.", "That was great!", "Hey, Marsh, I got you a light beer.", "I know how you dancers\nare always counting calories.", "It's not funny, all right?", "The doctor says if it gets any worse,\nI might need surgery.", "Vaginal rejuvenation surgery?", "You know who didn't do a lot\nof operating on vaginas in college?", "Who?\n- Dr. X.", "He did just fine!\n- You know what?", "Both of you geniuses need to take\nthat weak-ass crap off your resum\u00e9s.", "I mean, you are not Dr. X anymore,\nand you cannot dunk anymore.", "Let it go.", "So Marshall and I\nare the only people at this table", "with weak-ass crap on their resum\u00e9s?", "What are you implying?", "Oh. Oh, wow. I don't know!", "Does the date July 4th, 1995\nmean anything to you?", "You son of a bitch.", "Time! And the new champion, with\n29 hot dogs, Lily \"The Belly\" Aldrin!", "How is that relevant\nto teaching kindergarten?", "It teaches kids that\nI can eat a lot of hot dogs very quickly.", "Yeah, but you can't do it anymore!\n- You can't dunk anymore, lady-hips!", "How dare you! These hips can...\n- Guys, guys!", "I didn't even get the lotto girl gig.", "I have to move back to Canada.", "I can't believe this.", "I remember the night\nbefore I moved down here.", "They threw a going-away party for me.", "They gave me a camera so I could\ntake pictures and send them home.", "And everyone was so sure\nI was gonna be such a big success.", "I'm really gonna miss you guys.", "What happened?\n- Robin has to move back to Canada.", "Oh, my God. How awful.", "I mean, for one thing,\nit's gonna be a really long commute.", "What do you mean?", "I finished your video resum\u00e9 on my own,", "messenger-ed it\nto every station in the city.", "A guy from Channel 8 called. He loved you.", "He wanted you to come in and audition.\n- Oh, my God!", "I told him no.\nRobin Scherbatsky doesn't audition.", "He gives you the job or nothing.\n- So I got the job?", "No. He cursed me out and hung up.", "But then Channel 12 called.\nThey also loved you.", "They offered you a job\nhosting their new morning talk show.", "Barney, that's amazing!", "I told them to shove it.\n- Dude!", "Which only made them want you more.", "So, they jacked up their offer by 10%.\nCongratulations, Miss Scherbatsky.", "It looks like you're gonna have to stay.", "You're not about to dance, are you?\n- No, I'm good. I'll do it later.", "Oh, my God. How did you pull this off?", "I am the master of the possimpible.\n- You really are. Thank you.", "So,\nthanks to your Uncle Barney,", "we got to keep your Aunt Robin.", "There's so much stuff in my life", "No room for me to grow", "And the rest of us decided\nit was time to let some things go.", "Well, except for Lily.", "And time!\n- What's the count?", "Thirty-three!", "Under the waterfall", "Under the waterfall", "It's cool and cold and clear", "Why is no one coming to my happenings?"], "How I Met Your Mother S04E15 The Stinsons": ["Barney, check it,", "three blond babies drinking\nbad decision juice at 8 o'clock.", "Nice rack radar.", "That's my wife.\n- No, I got to get going.", "Seriously? But they're blond and drunk.", "Isn't that your type?", "Maybe I don't have a type, Lily.", "God, do you think the male mind\nis really that simplistic,", "that we all have one favorite type? Jeez.", "Asian with some boob.", "I'm gonna hit the bathroom, then bail.", "Okay, have you guys noticed\nBarney's been acting weird lately?", "Actually, yes.", "You know how Barney always says\nnever buy a girl flowers,", "because giving her a living thing\nreminds her of babies?", "Sure.\n- Well, the other day,", "I saw him at that flower shop\non 82nd buying roses.", "What?\n- Wait, now that you mention it,", "Barney did do something kind of odd\nat the office yesterday.", "Okay, see you Saturday.", "I'm thinking brunch,\nfarmer's market, maybe a hike.", "I love you, too. Bye.", "I figured he was just talking\nto some girl he was trying to nail.", "Or Ted, but now I don't know.", "Wait, do you think it's possible\nthat Barney Stinson has a girlfriend?", "Later.", "Wait, Barney, hold on.\nWhere are you going?", "Nowhere.", "The beach. It's winter. Laser tag.", "Home. Shut up. You're going somewhere.", "Oh, my God. He's meeting her right now.", "Where is Barney going?\n- Yeah.", "We're not even in Manhattan anymore.", "Where's this girl live?", "We're talking about a woman who's\nactually gotten Barney Stinson to commit.", "I'm guessing Narnia.", "Oh, oh, he's stopping.", "What the hell are you guys doing here?\n- Where is she?", "Who?\n- Your girlfriend.", "Oh, hello.", "Wow, you really don't have a type,\ndo you?", "Ah... These are my friends.\nTed, Marshall, Lily, Robin.", "Guys, this is Loretta.", "My mom.\n- It's so nice to meet you.", "I feel like I already know you all.", "Barney goes on and on about you\nevery day when we talk.", "Aw! You call your mom every day?", "No. Mom!", "So that's what you were being\nall secretive about?", "You didn't want us to know\nyou're a big old mama's boy.", "Yep, you got me.\nWell, guess you guys can leave.", "Oh!", "Hello.\n- Hi.", "Barney, who are all these people?", "Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin,\nI'd like you to meet Betty,", "my wife.", "And my son Tyler.", "Betty and I are gonna get dinner ready.\nThere'll be plenty for everyone.", "But remember, you,", "only one helping of meatloaf\nafter what Dr. Grossbard said", "about your cholesterol.\n- This one wants me to live forever.", "Guilty.", "I love you.\n- I love you, too.", "I love you three!\n- Get out of here, you little scamp!", "So, I'll see you guys back at the bar?\n- What the hell, Barney?", "Okay, it's a long story.", "As you know,\nmy father had to leave my mom", "when I was a baby because he got hired\nas the host of The Price Is Right.", "It was a very good show.\n- Bob Barker is your father.", "She had to raise\nmy brother and me by herself.", "And her only wish was for her sons", "not to wind up alone, like she was.", "Then about seven years ago,\nshe got really sick.", "It looked like she wasn't going to make it.", "So I decided to make her wish come true.", "Mom, this is Betty.", "We're engaged.", "I hired an actress to play\nmy fianc\u00e9e \"Betty. \"", "Her real name's Margaret.", "She mostly does off-Broadway theater.\nWonderful actress.", "This close to a Tony.\nIt's all who you know.", "It's very political. I shouldn't get into it.", "But there's one problem.", "Betty has a slight tendency\nto go off-book.", "You see, Mom?\nI found someone who makes me happy.", "Just like you wanted.\n- That's wonderful.", "I just wish I could've stuck around\nlong enough for grandchildren.", "I'm pregnant!", "And then my mom got better.", "Which was miraculous. But it meant\nthat I had to keep \"Betty\"", "around and cast a kid\nto play my son Tyler.", "This is crazy.\nYou actually cast your own son?", "Well, for a while,", "I got by borrowing/babysitting\nmy neighbor's baby.", "Then this one Christmas,\nwhen my mom was plowed on eggnog,", "I got away with a bag of flour\nand a Chucky mask.", "But eventually I had to hold auditions.", "4, 8,", "13, you can stay. The rest of you may go.", "You said that if I slept with you,\nmy son would get the part.", "Well, apparently\nI'm a better actor than your kid.", "Bring in the 11:00's!", "And that's how the role of Tyler\neventually went to", "Grant.", "Come on, Grant seems pretty good.\n- You think so?", "Watch this. Hey, Tyler.", "Tyler. Tyler.", "Grant.\n- Yeah?", "See? It's like amateur hour over here.", "Call me crazy, but child actors\nwere way better back in the '80s.", "Well, Barney, it looks like your mom kept", "your childhood bedroom\njust the way you left it.", "Yeah, that sure is a big poster\nof The Karate Kid above your bed.", "Hey, The Karate Kid is a great movie.", "It's the story of a hopeful young karate\nenthusiast whose dreams and moxie", "take him all the way\nto the All Valley Karate Championship.", "Of course, sadly, he loses\nin the final round to that nerd kid,", "but he learns an important lesson\nabout gracefully accepting defeat.", "Wait. When you watch The Karate Kid,", "you actually root for that mean blond boy?", "No, I root for the scrawny loser\nfrom New Jersey", "who barely even knows karate.", "When I watch The Karate Kid,\nI root for the karate kid,", "Johnny Lawrence\nfrom the Cobra Kai dojo.", "Get your head out of your ass, Lily.", "Okay, I just figured out\nwhere I know you from.", "I saw you perform\nat the Disorientation Theater", "in Bertolt Brecht's Die heilige Johanna\nder Schlachth\u00f6fe last fall.", "You were a revelation!", "Really?\n- Yeah.", "Oh, thanks.", "I wasn't sure. I mean, the point\nof Brecht's work, of course, is to", "alienate the audience.\n- Alienate the audience. Sure.", "Sorry. Brecht-o-phile right here!", "Wow, you really know your theater.", "Lady Theater grabbed my heart early on\nand she never let go.", "Every year at Christmas,", "I'd put on a little play for the parents\nwith all the other kids.", "Gee whiz, Santa, do you think\nwe can take off in this kind of snow?", "Cut! Cut! Cut! Ricky!", "Grandma and Grandpa are gonna be here\nin half an hour,", "and you're still butchering my words.", "Looks like I'm gonna have to write,\ndirect and star in this thing.", "Give me your elf hat. Go sit.", "I always secretly wanted to be an actor.", "It's one of those life dreams\nthat just slipped away, I guess.", "Listen, if you want,\nI could give you some tips on acting.", "Really? Oh!\n- I'd love to.", "Okay, acting rule number one,\ndon't be afraid to...", "At least someone's still excited\nabout acting.", "I miss that.", "So, you don't like playing Barney's son?", "I hate it. But what can I do?", "The phone just ain't ringing.\n- Yeah, I know what you mean.", "I'm a newscaster.", "But I just had to take a job\nhosting a local morning show", "that airs at 4:30 in the morning.", "I just thought I'd be so much further along\nby this point, you know?", "I'm almost 30.", "Come on, you still look great.", "I love your nose job.", "I never had a nose job.", "Right. Me neither.", "I can't believe we haven't met you before.", "Who knew Barney had such a great mom?", "Thanks, dear.", "Truth is, I wasn't always\nthe best mother when I was younger.", "Oh, don't say that. I'm sure you were great.", "Yeah, I was a bit of a whore.", "Excuse me?", "A whore, dear. A dirty whore.", "I'm not proud of it.", "But still I had some fun.", "There is no thrill equal", "to looking into some guy's eyes\nand thinking,", "\"I don't know your name,\nyou don't know mine,", "\"but for the next eight minutes,", "\"we are gonna rock\nthis gas station bathroom", "\"right off its foundation.", "\"And then just drive off\nin opposite directions.", "\"Just keep driving. \"", "Barney's mom?", "Loretta.\n- Loretta.", "Oh!", "Anyway, that's all in the past now.", "I did the best I could,", "but sometimes I wonder how Barney\nturned out to be so perfect.", "You have to tell your mom\nthe truth, okay?", "Listen, she is a sweet,\ncaring, slightly-too-graphic woman", "who deserves better.", "No. No way. The truth would kill her.", "I don't feel right", "about lying to such\na kindhearted woman, okay?", "She reminds me of my own mother.", "What?\n- \"Kindhearted\"?", "Remember in our wedding vows\nwhen I said we'd be together forever?", "Well, on our way back up the aisle,\nyour mother leaned in and she said,", "\"Not forever, sweetie.\nMarshall's going to Heaven. \"", "She was making a joke.\n- She hates me, Marshall.", "But that's okay because...", "Never mind.", "No. What were you gonna say?", "Nothing. Hey, do you want to go do it\nin Barney's childhood bedroom again?", "On the racecar bed?\n- Handles great, buddy.", "Look, Lily, if today has taught us\nnothing else,", "it's that honesty is important\nwhen it comes to family.", "Now, whatever you're feeling\ntowards my mother,", "we've been together for 12 years, baby.", "I think that I can handle it.\n- Really?", "Yeah.\n- Okay.", "I hate your mom.", "Well, guess what?", "I hate you!", "Two-minute warning for meatloaf!\n- Meatloaf?", "Tyler no likey!", "Grant, we have been over this\na million times!", "You are not getting a catchphrase!\n- But it's funny.", "Grant, I am not afraid to recast.", "Now go memorize your lines\nfor the big dinner scene.", "Wait. So you wrote the dinner\nwe're about to have?", "Yeah, yeah. Just a short script.", "Just things that will make\nmy mom happy to hear.", "What kind of things?", "And I really thought\nBarney had forgotten our anniversary.", "So I storm out to the backyard,\nand there's smoke coming out of my ears.", "Nostrils flaring. Her nostrils flare\nwhen she gets mad. I love it.", "Doing it right now. Doing it right now!", "You better stop, mister!\n- Okay, okay.", "Sorry, sorry, boo bear. Continue.", "This is what you're actually like\nin a relationship.", "So I storm out to the backyard and...", "Candles everywhere and a string quartet.", "Can you believe that?\n- No, not even slightly.", "What about my little Ty-Ty?\nWhat have you been up to?", "Funny story,", "just the other night,\nthis little rascal had a nightmare.", "And when he came in\nto tell us what it was about...", "Do you remember what you said, champ?", "Uh...", "Page four.", "The dinosaur bones in the museum\ncame to life and started chasing me?", "All right, thanks a lot, buddy.\nI didn't need to sleep tonight.", "No. Tyler said, \"My nightmare was", "\"that you and Mommy didn't know\nhow much I loved you.", "\"So I wanted to come in\nand tell you it was this much. \"", "Aw! That's so sweet.\n- We're a sweet, happy family.", "Okay, I'm gonna grab some ice cream\nfrom the freezer downstairs", "and then we'll all hit\nthe sundae bar in the kitchen.", "Wow. Not a weak link in that scene. Bravo.", "Back off, Barney.\nYou have no idea how hard it is", "to do a job that's beneath you.", "Grant, I really enjoyed your thing\nabout the dinosaur bones.", "Can we please stop talking\nabout the dinosaur bones?", "Just go eat your sundae.\n- I can't.", "I'm lactose intolerant.", "Well, guess who's not\nlactose intolerant? Tyler.", "Tyler is gonna go in there\nand enjoy every last bite.", "Ice cream time, gang.\n- Yummers!", "Oh, my God!", "Tyler no likey.", "You're not getting a catchphrase.", "I don't understand.\n- I do.", "Follow my lead.", "I've been betrayed by my best friend.", "How could you do this, Ted?", "Think about poor Tyler,\nbravely trying to hold back tears.", "It's okay, son, you can cry.", "Cry!", "I don't want my mommy\nand daddy to get divorced!", "Wow!", "What could you possibly have\nto say for yourself?", "Acting rule number one,", "don't be afraid to improvise.", "Was it me who betrayed you,", "or you who betrayed me?", "I'm sorry. What?", "Acting rule number five,", "invent a rich back-story\nfor your character.", "November 14th, 1998.", "The overnight train to Monte Carlo.", "I was in the billiards car,", "hustling some Algerians\nout of a few thousand dinar,", "when you seduced my fianc\u00e9e,", "who is blind and thought you were me.", "Yes.", "What in God's name\nare you talking about?", "Acting rule number eight,", "don't be afraid to get physical.", "Ow!", "You know damn well\nwhat I'm talking about!", "No, I don't!", "Yes, you do! And, by God,\nI'll hear you say it, scoundrel!", "Mom, can you give us a sec?\n- Okay.", "There's chocolate and butterscotch.\n- Okay, thanks. Now just...", "There are various kinds\nof sprinkles and marshmallows.", "Just...", "Have you lost your mind?", "You were amazing!", "You completely just became\nthat character.", "Honestly, I wasn't so much playing Ted", "as I was just trying\nto get out of Ted's way.", "What is wrong with you people?", "Ted, how am I ever gonna\nexplain this to my mother?", "Well, maybe it's time to tell her\nthe truth, Barney.", "I don't know, Lily.\nSometimes, honesty leads people", "to say mean things about a woman\nwho always took special care of me", "because I was the runt of the family.", "For crying out loud, I'm only 6'4\"!", "How good was my crying?", "You nailed it. See?", "Even at a gig you hate,\nyou still managed to love what you do.", "Maybe that's how it will be\nfor you at your new job.", "You think so?\n- I know so.", "Thanks, Grant.", "You're pretty smart, you know that?", "Whoa, whoa, whoa!\n- Sorry! Sorry!", "Thought I was picking up on something.", "Honey, are you okay?", "Look, Mom,\nthere's something I have to tell you.", "Something I should have told you\na long time ago.", "Tyler is dying.", "And Betty said that when he goes,\nshe's gonna off herself.", "So that's all probably\ngonna go down pretty soon.", "Oh, my God!", "Okay, no. No! None of that is true!", "The truth is, I...", "The truth is Betty and Tyler are actors\nthat I hired to pretend to be my family.", "What?", "I just wanted you to think I had the life", "you wanted for me.\nI wanted you to be proud of me.", "I know it sounds crazy,\nand I am so sorry, Mom.", "So Betty is not your wife?\n- No.", "Thank God! I do not like that woman.", "Really?\n- Yes.", "And Tyler...", "I know I'm his grandma\nand I'm supposed to love him,", "but I hate that kid. \"Tyler no likey. \"", "What the hell is that?\n- Right?", "And those fake friends of yours out there,\nI just wanted to shoot myself.", "I know! Aren't they horrible?", "So really, really, you're not mad?", "No, I'm just confused. I don't know\nwhy you thought you had to do this.", "Barney, I love you,\nperfect family or no perfect family.", "I love you no matter what.", "Really?\n- Really.", "Oh, I am so relieved", "because the truth is\nI am as far from married", "as a human being can possibly be.", "My history with women\nwould shock and appall you.", "Doesn't matter. I still love you.", "Seriously, you can't imagine\nthe things I have done.", "Barney, when you were three,\nI left you with a babysitter", "and spent three weeks\nwith Grand Funk Railroad,", "being passed around like a bong.", "Mommy!", "Just do me a favor.\nIf you ever do meet someone special,", "don't run away from it. Don't be me.", "Take a shot at it, will you?", "Hey, Barney, cab's here.", "I'll try.", "And so ended one of\nthe strangest afternoons of our lives.", "And I just wanted to say to you,", "if I ever seemed cold\nor unwelcoming, I'm sorry.", "Who's she talking to?\n- My mom.", "It would mean a lot to me\nif you and I could be closer.", "Now take a deep breath like\nthis next thing is gonna be hard to say.", "I love you.", "I love you...", "Mom.\n- Yes.", "...Mom.", "Now pretend I said something nice.", "Now pretend I said something nice.", "I mean,", "that's very nice of you to say, Judy.", "Okay. You, too. Speak soon.", "Let me get this straight.\nYou're really telling me", "that when you watch The Karate Kid,", "you don't root for Daniel-san?\n- Nope.", "Who do you root for in Die Hard?\n- Hans Gruber,", "charming international bandit.\nAt the end, he died hard.", "He's the title character.", "Okay, The Breakfast Club.", "The teacher running detention.", "He's the only guy\nin the whole movie wearing a suit.", "I got one. Terminator.", "What's the name of the movie, Robin?", "Who among us didn't shed a tear", "when his little red eye\nwent out at the end", "and he didn't get to kill those people?", "I'm sorry. That movie...", "I am never watching a movie\nwith you ever again.", "They didn't even\ntry to help him!"], "How I Met Your Mother S04E16 Sorry Bro": ["Back in 2009, your Aunt Robin\ngot a job hosting a morning show.", "Which meant she had to get up\nkind of early. How early?", "Morning, everybody.", "Hey!\nHey, Robin!", "So you're actually doing it, huh?\nYou're actually going to work at 2:00 a. m.", "Okay, I'm not doing it for me.\nI'm doing it for the fans.", "Who exactly are the fans of a show\nthat airs at 4:00 in the morning?", "People getting up to host a show\nat 5:00 in the morning?", "Ha, ha, ha.", "Meth addicts\nwho haven't sold their TVs yet?", "Strippers in that messy gray area\nbetween getting off work", "and getting their kids up for school?", "Them's my peeps.", "All right, catch me up.\nWhat's been going on?", "You know, just the uzhe.", "Really, the uzhe?\n- Yes.", "Robin, think of the funniest thing\nthat has ever happened.", "Got it.\n- Now double that.", "So, a chimpanzee wearing two tuxedos?", "Something even funnier than that\nhappened to Marshall today.", "Okay, first of all,\nthere's nothing funnier than that.", "Second of all, look,\nit's not that good a story.", "Oh, come on, you guys.", "You're four young, active people living\nin the most exciting city on Earth.", "You're telling me\nyou have no stories for me?", "What can I say?\nSome weeks are just like that.", "It's the same thing over and over.\nA kid in my class ate some paste.", "I used deceitful means to hook up\nwith a less-than-intelligent girl.", "My ex-girlfriend, Karen, moved to town.\nIt's just... It's all the same, Robin.", "Karen's in town?", "You have got to be kidding me!\n- No!", "Kids,\nI think I've told you about Karen.", "She was my girlfriend in high school\nand intermittently during college.", "She was beautiful, smart.\nI was madly in love with her.", "The only problem was,\nMarshall and Lily were not.", "I think it had something to do with\nevery time Karen opened her mouth.", "I love that you guys live in a dorm.\nIt's so American.", "It's like, \"Let's all eat baloney sandwiches\nand be racist. \"", "Oh, my God, she was such a douche.", "Dude, she was the heiress\nto the Massengill fortune.", "She really wasn't that bad.\n- Of course, you think that.", "She turned you into\none of her douche zombies.", "\"I want to eat your brain,\nbut only if it's organic and grass-fed. \"", "What?", "Will you pass the salt?\n- Salt?", "So bourgeois.", "Totally.", "What's that thing?\n- That's a TV, Karen.", "Oh.", "I don't watch TV.", "Totally.", "You thought I actually bought tickets\nto WrestleMania?", "I was being ironic.", "Totally.", "I know that you were being ironic.", "I, too, am being ironic.", "Let's do this!", "What?", "That makeup didn't come off for a month.\nI had to meet Lily's parents that way.", "I've never looked like a bigger jackass.", "Until today.", "Tell the story. Tell the story.\nTell the story.", "Just let it go!", "Well, hold on. Is it really funny?", "Robin, I am not kidding you.", "I almost don't want you to hear it,\nbecause seriously, for the rest of your life,", "nothing else will ever be as funny,\nand you will curse yourself", "for agreeing to ever hear it\nin the first place.", "But seriously, you got to hear it.\nIt's so funny.", "Fine.", "I was at the company gym\nthis morning playing basketball.", "Now, the guys I work with\ncan be pretty brutal with their ridicule.", "Hey, look at Wisniewski.\nHe's gonna cry. Look at him.", "Yeah, look at him.", "I don't know. I don't think knees\nare supposed to bend that way.", "I think he might have torn his ACL.", "Bro, the only thing that guy tore\nwas his cervix or maybe his hymen.", "Yeah, or his Fallopian tubes. Boom!", "I may have cleaned up the dialog\na little bit.", "Anyways, I go to my duffle bag\nto get out my work clothes...", "Wait, wait, wait, wait. I want to say it.\nI want to say it. I want to say it.", "Fine. You say it.", "Marshall goes to his duffle bag\nto get out his work clothes and...", "No, no, no, you say it.\nIt's funnier if you say it.", "No, let me say it. No, no, you say it.\nYou say it. Say it.", "Same time.", "No, no, no, you go. You go.", "I forgot...\n- Marshall forgot his pants!", "He forgot his pants.", "Okay, Marshall forgot his pants.\nThat's pretty funny.", "It's no chimpanzee wearing two tuxedos.", "I mean, what did he...\nHe forgot he put the first one on?", "Stupid monkey.", "So Karen in New York. Weird, right?", "Ted, you cannot get back together\nwith Karen.", "I never said I was going to\nget back together with her.", "But I was thinking, she's new in town.", "Would it be the worst thing\nin the world if I gave her a call?", "No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be\nthe worst thing in the world.", "It would be the fourth worst thing.", "Number one, super volcano.\nNumber two, an asteroid hits the Earth.", "Number three, all footage of Evel Knievel\nis lost. Number four, Ted calls Karen.", "Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark.", "I'm Lily and I approve the order of that list.", "You don't know the whole story.", "Ted and Karen were off-and-on all through\ncollege, and it always went the same way.", "They'd be having fun, douching it up,\nand then one day...", "I know you think pepperoni is fascist,\nand you're totally right, so I...", "Oh, my God! Karen!", "Sorry, bro.", "Before you say anything,", "I think that you should read\nBaudelaire's Les Fleurs du Mal.", "Okay.", "So then they break up.", "Ted would be all depressed and we would\nwait the appropriate amount of time", "and then we would tell him\nhow we really felt.", "Karen and I broke up.", "We hated her!\n- Bitch had to go!", "And then Ted would\nbuild up a head of steam", "and finally take the bus to Providence\nto give Karen a piece of his mind.", "How'd it go?\n- Great.", "Look who's back!", "Karen!\n- Karen!", "And then, sure enough, the whole thing\nwould start all over again.", "Make that 10,002 Maniacs,\nbecause I got us Natalie Merchant...", "Sorry, bro.", "So she would come visit you at school\nand the second you turned your back,", "she would bring guys\nback to your dorm room?", "Respect.", "Okay, I was an idiot.", "She was my first real girlfriend.\nI was madly in love with her.", "We all did stuff we regret in college.", "Junior year, Marshall grew\na soul patch, wore a Rasta hat,", "and asked everyone\nto call him M.J. Smooth.", "I don't regret that for one second.", "So you guys absolutely\ndon't think I should call her?", "Ted, no!\n- Of course not!", "Get it through your thick skull!", "Okay, okay, fine, I won't.", "Interesting piece of trivia, I called her.", "What are you doing?\n- You idiot!", "Finish the pants story.", "I can't believe you called her.", "Why don't you just ask her to lunch\nwhile you're at it?", "Because, Lily, I'm not going\nto ask her out to lunch, again.", "Wow.\n- You asked her to lunch?", "Why would anyone want\nto have lunch with their ex?", "Glad you asked, Marshall.", "There are four possible motives\nbehind an ex lunch.", "Number one, they want\nto get back together.", "Oh. Like my high school boyfriend, Scooter.", "Lilies, clever.\nI'm sorry I don't have a scooter for you.", "My God, that's funny!\nI forgot how funny you are.", "Where is that waiter?\n- Why? You like waiters?", "I can be a waiter.", "I'm going to be the greatest waiter\non this Earth, and then you'll love me.", "Number two, they want to kill you.\nLike when I had lunch with Wendy.", "I'm glad we could finally do this.", "You know, after the ninth time\nyou rescheduled on me,", "I almost gave up on you.", "But you didn't. You just kept on trying.", "By the way, there's something\nI've been meaning to give you.", "Gun! She's got a gun!", "It's a tie.", "Number three, they actually do want\nto give you your stuff back.", "Like when I had lunch with Curt.", "By the way, there's something\nI've been meaning to give you.", "My snub-nose. 38 Police Special!\nGod, I knew I left that somewhere.", "Every time I watch the news,\nI'm like, \"Oops. Hope that wasn't my gun. \"", "Breaking up was the right choice.", "Or number four, to rub your face\nin how great they're doing.", "Like my lunch with Nicole Barsamian.", "Who's Nicole Barsamian?\n- My ex.", "Hello, Nicole.\n- You look well, Marshall.", "You look okay, I guess.", "I'm seeing someone.\n- Already? Who?", "Lee Roberts. He reads at a fifth-grade level.", "You have to cancel the lunch.", "I would definitely do that, definitely,\nexcept I already had it.", "Robin, I'm going to need to\nborrow the butt of your gun.", "I actually lost it again.\nCan you believe that?", "How could you break bread\nwith that woman?", "It was just lunch,\nand you know she doesn't eat wheat.", "We had a great time catching up.", "I mean, we even laughed about\nwhat jerks we were back then.", "I can't believe I had a beret\nfor each day of the week.", "I can't believe I had an iron-on image\nof Moli\u00e8re on my backpack.", "Man, we were pretentious.", "So pretentious.", "What can I get you?", "Hi.", "I don't want to cause a scene, but\nyour wine list has a Ch\u00e2teauneuf-du-Pape", "listed under your C\u00f4tes de Provence.", "You might want to alert your sommelier.", "And for you?", "I hate to go off-menu, but can we have\nsome bruschett with fresh mozzarell?", "It was great. It was great.", "I mean, there was one weird moment\ntowards the end.", "Yeah, I mean, how do you say goodbye\nin those situations?", "A kiss on the cheek is too familiar.\nA handshake is too formal.", "And a hug is just like a public dry hump.", "I think you're hugging wrong.", "So what happened?\n- Well...", "Schopenhauer made a saucy little\nargument in which he posited...", "Ted, honey, I want you to go outside\nand bite the curb. I'll be out in a minute.", "Hey, Karen was the first girl I ever loved.\nOkay?", "And after the year I've had, I...\nI don't know,", "I guess having lunch with her just\nreminded me of what it was like to be 18", "and have my whole life figured out.", "And I would like to remind everyone that\nat least I was wearing pants, Marshall.", "No! No, no, no! You can't just go\nchanging the subject like that.", "Oh. Yeah, the pants story.", "Pants story, bomaye! Pants story, bomaye!", "There's no story!", "I had a little situation, so I called Lily.", "And just refresh us,\nwhat was that situation?", "I forgot my pants.", "What do you mean you forgot your pants?", "I forgot them.\nNow, I need you to bring me some.", "What about your spare pants?", "Last Thursday, the mustard incident?", "Jeez, woman, you have\nthe memory of a goldfish.", "No, Ted, you're not getting off that easy.\nMarshall's pants story, while amusing...", "Amusing? Try very amusing.", "...is nothing compared to this\nKaren madness. Finish your story.", "What? That's it.\nIt was just one kiss in the restaurant.", "Why did you say \"in the restaurant\"?\nDid you kiss somewhere else?", "Like where, in a tree?\nNo, Lily, we did not make out in a tree.", "What's with this one?", "Oh, Ted. What did you do?", "Ted, how could you?", "Ted, Marshall forgot to bring\nhis pants to work today,", "and you're still the stupidest person\nat this table.", "Okay, Lily, let's be honest.\nWe both know your real motivation here.", "You hate Karen because she lingered.", "You son of a bitch.", "What do you mean she lingered?", "February 5th, 1998. I was painting...", "Sorry. I... Sorry. I...", "You know, that color palette\nis a bit derivative of early Van Gogh,", "don't you think?", "Cheat on Ted, criticize my painting,\nwhatever, that's your business.", "But I catch you peeping on my man's junk\nand you linger?", "You gots to get got.", "The game is the game.", "In Karen's defense, I had just worked out.", "Why'd you have to paint\nMarshall nude anyway?", "Because he ate my bowl of fruit.", "Look, the point is, Karen is a dirty lingerer,", "and you cannot bring her\nback into our lives.", "Relax, it was just that one night!", "And the next three after that.\nAnd one morning.", "But at least\nI had pants on, Marshall.", "Although, actually, I didn't.", "Wait, this happened in our apartment?\n- Mmm-hmm.", "Where was I?", "You know those sleeping pills\nyou're taking", "to keep on your crazy new schedule?", "I think they're stronger than you realize.", "LaFontaine gets the puck to Turgeon.", "Turgeon shoots. Glove save.", "Hey, Ted. Hey, Lily.\nDon't worry. I won't tell Marshall.", "I'm gonna grab a beer. You want one?", "Beer! I'll start decanting the Bordeaux.", "Ted, sure it's fun to look back at a time", "when you were a fresh-faced farm girl\nwith a virgin's glow.", "But all that stuff, Ohio, Karen, college...\nAll that was BS.", "\"Before Stinson. \"\nNow your life is awesome!", "I mean, yeah, you still live with\nyour ex-girlfriend, which is ridiculous.", "Your Laser Tag chops\nare almost nonexistent.", "And your wardrobe, it's like, what,\nare you allergic to quality fabrics?", "Seriously, Ted, shape up.", "What were we talking about?", "So what's next with this broad?", "Oh, please, the story's already written.", "Ted is Charlie Brown trying to\nkick the football and Karen's Lucy,", "who pulls it away at the last second\nand has sex with it.", "Ew!", "You guys know what I mean.\nTed's gonna fall in love,", "and then Karen's gonna cheat on him\nwith some meathead, who's like,", "\"Sorry, bro. \"", "Wrong, wrong, wrong!", "You must have left the right answer\nin your pants, Marshall,", "because that's exactly what didn't happen.", "Because here's what happened.", "One afternoon, we were at Karen's place...", "Karen? Oh, my God.", "How could you?", "Sorry, bro.", "So, this time,\nthe meathead Karen was cheating with...", "Was me, Ted. Me...", "Remember that time\nMarshall forgot his pants?", "Damn it, Ted!", "You quit trying to change the subject.\nYou crossed the line.", "You are complicit\nin breaking some poor guy's heart.", "And you, you of all people\nknow exactly how that feels.", "You really don't want to tell\nthe pants story, do you?", "What?\n- Pants, pants, pants, pants...", "Fine! Okay?", "So, Lily came down to the office\nto bring me my pants.", "And why did she have to do that?\n- Because I forgot my pants.", "Lily, what are you doing here?\n- I'm here to give Marshall something.", "Ah.", "Here to give him something. Got you. Nice.", "Yeah, but I'm in a hurry.\nCan I just give it to you?", "Sure, okay.", "And then you'll give it to him?", "Wait, hey. I don't know about all that.", "I mean, yours would\nhave to be really good.", "What are you talking about?\n- What are you talking about?", "Marshall forgot his pants,\nso I'm bringing him a new pair.", "Huh. Marshall forgot his pants.", "Well, it's a good thing that you came by", "because he has a really\nimportant meeting today,", "and it would be pretty embarrassing\nand not at all funny", "if he were to show up not wearing pants.", "So, I'll make sure he gets these.\n- Great. Thanks, Barney.", "And you didn't give him his pants.", "Theodore Evelyn Mosby.", "Of course I gave him his pants.\nI gave Lily my word. My word is oak.", "Though I did make some alterations.", "Now, as you'll see on page 44\nof the contract...", "Hey, Eriksen, when did you join AC/DC?", "Ha, ha, ha, ha.", "Now, can we please just turn\nto page 44 of the contract?", "Hey, Eriksen, I think the Oliver Twist\nauditions are down the hall!", "Hey, Eriksen, \"Please, sir,\nmay I have some more pants?\"", "More pants!", "Oh, my God!", "That's it? That's the whole story?", "So what happened with Karen?\n- I'll finish it for you.", "Ted left without saying anything\nand Karen got exactly what she wanted.", "Mmm-mmm.", "Not this time.", "So, you have a boyfriend?", "We've been drifting apart for a long time.\nI've been meaning to break up with him.", "God, Karen, you are unbelievable.", "You don't have the guts to break up\nwith someone like a decent human being,", "so instead you pull this crap.", "Okay, you're right.", "I'm great with books. I'm great with art.", "I'm great with identifying French wines", "from within a mile of\nwhere the grapes are grown.", "But I'm really bad when it comes\nto looking someone in the eye", "and telling them the truth\nabout how I feel.", "Well, we're both bad at that.", "But I think we both need to change.\nSo why don't I go first?", "Karen, you're a really hurtful\nand reckless person,", "and I never want to see you\nor speak to you again.", "Au revoir.", "Ted, wait.", "Actually, \"au revoir\"means\n\"until we see each other again. \"", "So, I'm assuming that you mean\nwe will in fact see each other again?", "Sorry, bro.", "Thank you. Thank you.\n- Yes!", "Bravo.\n- Ted, I am impressed with you.", "You, too, Marshall.\nHave you been wearing those all day?", "They show off my calves.", "Pants story. Tell it again.", "You know, maybe it was good\nyou called Karen.", "It definitely was.\nAnd not just for me, but for her, too.", "Later that night, she sat down with Jerry,", "and she had the break-up talk\nshe always avoided with me.", "So you see, kids,", "sometimes when you\nhave to have a tough conversation,", "the best thing to do...", "Wait a second. Wait a second.", "You said you were never gonna talk\nto Karen again, right?", "Yeah.", "Then how do you know\nshe took your advice?", "Hmm?", "Oh! Right. Well, about that.", "After she broke up with that dude,\nshe called me, we went out,", "we hooked up,\nand we've been dating ever since.", "We're really seeing eye-to-eye,\nand this time,", "I don't know,\nit just feels different somehow.", "Here she comes now. Be cool! Hey!", "Karen."], "How I Met Your Mother S04E17 The Front Porch": ["In March of 2009, I'd been\ndating my high school girlfriend Karen", "for a few weeks.", "My friends could not have\nbeen less excited.", "Hey, everybody.\nHello.", "Sorry, we can't stay long.", "What a shame!\n- That is sad!", "Hey, are those real diamond earrings?", "Yes. Yes, they are. Thank you.", "I didn't say I liked them.", "Oh, well, I got a great deal on them, so...", "Cool. I'm sure all the exploited\ndiamond miners in Sierra Leone", "would give you a high-five\nif they still had all their fingers,", "but really pretty.", "Meet me upstairs.", "They only need one finger\nto give her what I'm thinking.", "Yeah. Ted, Karen's a douche.", "Wow. Thanks for sugarcoating it.", "\"Douche\" is sugarcoating it.", "Okay, believe it or not, my friends\ndo not get a vote on who I date.", "It's my life. I call the shots.", "Ted, now!\n- Yeah, coming!", "I don't know what Ted sees\nin that horrible woman.", "I mean, yeah, she's got boobs, but...", "I guess I get it.", "I think it's 'cause they met in high school.", "She was his first real girlfriend.", "We look at Karen and see a jerk.", "Ted looks at Karen and sees\nthe first person to touch his wiener", "besides himself,\nhis mom and his pediatrician.", "Okay, well, it's almost 2:00 a. m.\nI better get ready for work.", "How can they call that thing\nyou're on a morning show?", "4:00 a. m. is still the middle of the night.", "I don't see how you do it.", "It's been almost a month. I'm used to it.", "Plus the show's not half bad, right?", "Totally.\n- We've never seen it.", "Have you guys ever watched it?", "Of course!\n- They've never seen it.", "Really? What is your favorite segment?", "Weather.\n- Never seen it.", "You guys have never seen my show?\n- Sorry.", "It's true.\n- That's what I've been saying.", "Okay, yes, it's dull and generic\nand we get spanked in the ratings", "by that Korean channel\nthat only shows Kim Jong II riding a horse,", "but, guys, it would mean so much to me\nif just once", "I knew my friends were\nout there watching.", "I'll tell you what,", "this Friday morning, everyone\ncan come to our place, 3:30 a. m.", "We'll all put on PJs.\nWe'll watch Robin's show.", "Aw, you guys are the best.", "We just want to support you.", "I just want to go to sleep.", "I hate Robin for not being more successful.", "Hey, guys.", "Sad announcement.\nKaren broke up with me.", "Go ahead.", "I knew you were listening! Yes!", "Hey, hey, we shouldn't be celebrating.", "Ted's just been through a bad breakup.", "Look, buddy, tell us everything.\nTell us what happened.", "Seriously, spare no details.", "What did she say?\nWhat did you say? How did it feel?", "If you were to do it again,\nall over, would you maybe...", "How did it happen?\n- It was the stupidest thing.", "I mean, we were just hanging out,\nyou know, being funny.", "You're the fan of 2002 Chiantis.", "Ew! No, you're the fan of 2002 Chiantis.", "Wait. What is this?", "Looks like one of Robin's earrings.\nHuh! That's weird.", "You're the fan...\n- How did it get in your bed?", "I don't know.", "Have you been sleeping with Robin?\n- What? No, of course not!", "It probably got mixed in\nwith the laundry or something.", "Why should I believe you?", "Um, maybe because I've always been\nfaithful to you,", "while you've cheated on me,\nlike, six times, bitch.", "Snap!\n- Cold-blooded!", "Right? Right?", "Yeah, I totally should have said that.", "Why should I believe you?", "Um, maybe because I've always been\nfaithful to you, while you...", "I love you.", "I knew this was a mistake.\nThat's it. It's over.", "And that was it. She left.", "What a story.\nSo brave of you to share that.", "Wait. Those are your pajamas?\nYou sleep in a pajama suit?", "Of course. What do you think I sleep in?", "A coffin.", "Dude, that doesn't look comfortable at all.", "You're wearing a tie.\n- First of all, it's a sleeping cravat.", "Second, it's not about comfort.", "It's about looking good all the time.", "Why do you have to look good\nall the time?", "Marshall, let me tell you a little story\nabout something", "that happened a couple of months back.", "Hi. We were just having\na \"Who's hornier?\" contest", "and we spilled massage oil\nall over ourselves.", "Nice pajamas.\n- Can we use your shower?", "That's not a memory.\nThat's from a porn movie.", "Not just any movie.\nThat's the exact scene from...", "Never mind.\n- The point is it could happen.", "And if it did, and I didn't look\nmy absolute best for those greasy sluts,", "I'd regret it forever.", "I'm sorry, dude, but that is just\nthe most ridiculous sleeping attire", "I've ever seen in my life. Anyway...", "Marshall's wearing a nightgown!\nMarshall's wearing a nightgown!", "Hey, guys, you know how in the future\nwe're always saying,", "\"Remember when\nMarshall wore a nightgown?\"", "This is that time!", "It's a nightshirt.", "You can call it\na Ninja Star Danger Jock if you want,", "doesn't make you\nany less of a cross-dresser.", "Whatever, dude. It's comfy.", "Uh-huh?\n- Mmm-hmm.", "So, flying to Neverland\nwith Peter and Tink, was that amazing?", "Ooh! Let me go next!", "Was it nice to finally get out of\nthat crowded bed", "and take Charlie to the chocolate factory?\nOoh! Me, me, me, me!", "Something about Scrooge!", "Come on, guys. I'm carrying the team.", "I don't know.\nI lived with Marshall for 12 years.", "Any time he's wearing\nclothes at all, it's a victory.", "Ted, show's about to start!\n- Be right there!", "Good morning, New York. I'm...", "Hey!\n- Whoa!", "Marshall, I just found Robin's earring\non your dresser.", "Did you have something to do with\nthe other one being in my bed?", "What are you talking about?\n- You've always hated Karen.", "You've been telling me\nto break up with her.", "You did it. You put the earring\nin my bed so that Karen would find it.", "No, Ted! No! I would never...", "Admit it!\n- There's nothing to admit!", "Then why was Robin's earring\non your dresser?", "He was accessorizing!", "Marshall, I swear to God, if you\ndon't tell me the truth right now...", "Wait! Marshall didn't do it.", "I did.", "I broke you and Karen up.", "You broke me and Karen up?\nAre you insane?", "What gives you the right to do that?\n- Ted, I did it for your own good.", "You just weren't seeing\nhow awful she was.", "She failed the front porch test.", "What's the front porch test?", "Ted, you, me and Marshall have\nbeen best friends since college.", "Think about how much\nwe all mean to each other.", "So when I picture the future,\nI picture us all together.", "How we'll all be retired, sipping tea\non the front porch of our beach house,", "playing bridge all day.", "Okay, bridges are wild.\nFour of a bridge beats a royal bridge.", "I see your bridge,\nand I raise you three bridges.", "Bridge! I win!", "You have no idea\nhow to play bridge, do you?", "We're gonna take a class.\n- It's important to stay active.", "So whenever you've been dating\nsomebody for a while,", "I do the front porch test.", "You know, how is this person gonna\nfit in with our group over the years?", "And when I think about Karen there...", "Bridge! I win!", "Fantastic. Another game of bridge.", "Don't read a book or anything.", "Look, dear, dolphins.", "They seem happy.", "I guess the chemical runoff\nfrom this elitist beachfront property", "hasn't rotted out their blowholes yet.", "It will. That water will kill you.\nIt is a toxic deathtrap.", "I'm gonna take a dip.\n- I'll join you.", "Karen failed the front porch test.\nShe had to go.", "I can't believe you did that.", "Ted, think about how awesome\nyou, me and Marshall are.", "Seriously, think about it.", "We're pretty awesome.\n- We're totally awesome!", "So whoever you marry,\nwhoever joins Team Awesome,", "the bar is set pretty damn high.", "Look, I'm not saying\nwhat I did was right, but...", "You're better off without her.", "And if Clarence the angel says it's true,\nit must be true.", "Okay, you know what?\nFine, make your little jokes.", "Seriously, why would you wear\nsomething like that?", "Lots of reasons.\n- I bet you can't name five.", "One, no need to wear anything underneath.", "I can vouch for that.\nWill you cross your legs, buddy?", "Two, sexy.", "I can vouch for that.\nWill you uncross your legs, buddy?", "Three, my grandpa Olaf wore one,\nand he lived to be 107.", "Four, no elastic waistband leaving\nits judgmental pink teeth marks", "around my Thanksgiving belly.", "And five, every night\nwhen I go to sleep, it's the freest,", "most wonderful feeling in the world.", "I feel like I'm flying.", "So that's how I go to bed every night,", "happy, weightless, with a heart full of joy.", "What about you?", "I have to lie perfectly still\nso I don't wrinkle my suit-jamas.", "But at least I'm not wearing a dress.", "So, how mad are you?", "I don't know. I mean,", "I guess if you guys feel that strongly\nabout Karen,", "then maybe it was for the best.", "I really am sorry.", "I hated doing that again,\nbut Karen had to go.", "Again? Wait. How many times have\nyou broken me up with a girlfriend?", "Never! Six.", "Like who?\n- No one! Angie.", "Sophomore year.", "She was just using you to get back\nat her ex, and you clearly didn't see it,", "so one day when she was taking a nap...", "Creed?", "Oh, my God, I have to break up with her.", "So that's where my Creed CD went.", "Who else?", "Remember that weird sci-fi girl", "who wanted you to propose after,\nlike, two months?", "You barely even liked her,\nbut you were still thinking about it, so...", "Listen, Ted, you're great,\nand this is so difficult,", "but I think we're looking\nfor different things.", "So, live long and prosper. Whatever.", "That was you? This is insane!", "Ted, I did those things to help you.\nYou're a commitment junkie.", "You fall in love with these women\neven if they don't deserve you.", "What if one of those women was\nsupposed to be the mother of my children?", "If there was ever the tiniest chance\nof that, I swear I didn't do anything.", "Like with Victoria or Stella.\n- Or Robin.", "Or Robin.\n- Robin, Robin...", "Did you break us up, too?", "Did you break us up, too?", "Stop talking to me like I'm your enemy!", "You weep for these women,", "but you have the luxury\nof not knowing what I know,", "that those breakups, while tragic,", "probably saved you from a crappy\nand very expensive first marriage.", "Did you break me and Robin up?", "You don't want the truth\nbecause deep down,", "you want me out there\nwatching out for you.", "And deep down, you know\nthat none of those women", "were ever gonna\nbe the mother of your children.", "Did you break me and Robin up?\n- I did what I had to do.", "Did you break me and Robin up?\n- You're damn right I did!", "Marshall, your grandpa Olaf\nwas a wise man.", "You broke me and Robin up?", "No, it's not...\n- I cannot believe this.", "I need another drink.", "You know, I feel a little breeze down there.\nIt's nice.", "You think that's something?\nStand over this heating vent.", "It's like your junk is on a tropical island.", "Little Barney says, \"Mahalo. \"\n- Mmm-hmm.", "Seriously, what is wrong with you, Lily?\nHow could you do that?", "I did this because I care about you!", "I am so glad that is the one you watched!", "Dear God, what happened to you?", "You didn't watch my show?", "Oh! The show. Sorry.\nSomething special happen?", "Same old same-old.", "Lily just told us that\nshe broke you and me up.", "What? Broke us up?\nWhat does that even mean?", "And why are these guys\nwearing nightgowns?", "Nightshirt.\n- Nightshirt.", "It's a nightshirt.\n- It's called a nightshirt, Robin.", "Turns out Lily has taken it upon herself\nto sabotage", "many of my relationships, including ours.", "No. Robin was different.", "I didn't want you two to break up,", "but you wanted completely different things\nout of life and refused to deal with it.", "I could just picture that front porch.", "Hmm. Two of hearts.", "Just like the hearts of the two children\nI never had", "because my lovely wife hates kids.", "Mmm, a deuce.", "Exactly what my career dropped", "once I decided to settle down\nand marry Ted.", "Bridge! I win.", "Well, I do not like that scenario one bit.", "All I tried to do was get you guys\nto talk about your issues.", "I didn't know I was feeding you the words\nthat would lead to your breakup.", "Hey, here's a fun question, just for fun.", "Where do you see yourself in five years?", "You know what's fun? Fun questions.", "Where do you see yourself in five years?", "Where do you see yourself in five years?\n- Where do you see yourself?", "Not to put words in your mouth,\nbut you probably want to be married.", "I probably want to be married.", "You probably want to be in Tokyo or Paris.", "I probably want to be in Argentina.", "Argentina?\n- Or Tokyo or Paris.", "We have an expiration date, don't we?", "Oh, my God.\n- Lily,", "you can't manipulate people like that!", "I've known you 12 years,\nand I can honestly say,", "I have never been more furious at you!", "Look, I didn't mean to... I was just...\n- No! I don't even want to hear it!", "Whoa, whoa, whoa!", "Settle down! Let's just settle down!\nNow, I have one question.", "What do these bad boys feel like in bed?\n- Come on. Let's go see.", "So, if it weren't for you,\nTed and I might still be dating?", "Or you would have stayed\ntogether far too long,", "had an incredibly bitter breakup\nand not even remained friends,", "and then you and I would never\nhave become best friends.", "Don't even say that. Okay?", "Stop hugging!", "Lily, you had no right\nto interfere in my relationships.", "You got lucky. Okay?", "You met the love of your life\nin a dorm hallway when you were 18.", "But that doesn't give you\nthe right to play God", "to the rest of us mortals down here\nwho are still looking for someone.", "You're so concerned about\nwho you and Marshall are gonna end up", "on that front porch with.\nWell, you know what?", "You can have it to yourselves.", "What happened to your jacket?", "Soot, bread crumbs, placenta.", "Did you at least TiVo it?", "So, you're this comfy every night,\nand Lily still has sex with you?", "Yeah. That's what marriage is all about,\nman, unconditional love.", "You can wear whatever you want\nand still get laid.", "Tell me more about being married.", "Well, sometimes, when you're married,", "you wake up to the smell of\nbreakfast already on the table.", "And coffee, too?\n- And coffee, too.", "Sometimes, she'll even put out\na vase of freshly cut flowers.", "I love flowers.", "And sometimes,", "when you're worried you've made\nall the wrong decisions in life,", "and you're not nearly the man you\nwant to be, what does she do then?", "Well, she tells you that you're great\nand it's all gonna be okay.", "That's wonderful.", "And she'll help you find other girls\nto have sex with?", "I mean, I guess.", "Maybe if you agreed\nupon that beforehand, yeah.", "Mmm.", "Little guy had a big day.", "We'll talk about it tomorrow.\nSweet dreams, slugger.", "The next night,\nI was still angry at your aunt Lily.", "Until...", "Hi.\n- Hi. What are you...", "Lily came by and explained everything.", "And she gave me this note for you.", "\"Ted, I'm sorry.", "\"It doesn't matter to me who you marry.", "\"I know they'll be awesome\nbecause they'll think you are.", "\"To show I mean it, I put together\na little surprise for you and Karen upstairs.", "\"Love, Lily. \"", "\"P.S. Sorry the envelope\nwas already open.", "\"I had to read what she wrote. Marshall. \"", "Sabotaging our relationship? I got to say,", "even using the specially-ordered,\nextra-low bar", "by which I judge your friends,", "Lily really outdid herself this time.", "Obviously, we can't ever see her again.", "I know. It's a big loss, right?", "Hey, remember\nyour old college roommate?", "He was married to\nthat shrill, little idiot girl.", "Marshall. Oh, it's been so long.", "God, I hated him.", "Anyway, here's his obituary.", "And I realized, maybe it shouldn't matter\nwhat my friends think of my girlfriend,", "but it sure as hell matters what\nmy girlfriend thinks of my friends.", "Wow. So you ended it?\n- Yeah.", "So if you want to be my plus one,\nLily's a damn good cook.", "Mmm!", "Beef pot pie, mac and cheese,\nhomemade buttermilk biscuits.", "Wow, no wonder Marshall dies at 68.", "Thank you.", "So, Robin and I\nenjoyed a gourmet dinner.", "Well, for her it was breakfast.", "And we ended up doing exactly what\nLily wanted us to do all along,", "we talked about our relationship.", "So, Lily broke us up, sort of.\n- Yeah.", "Kind of makes you wonder.\n- Yeah.", "I mean, if it weren't for her,\nwould we still be dating right now?", "Maybe.", "But Lily was right. We weren't ready.", "We both needed to move on,\ndo our own thing.", "Still do, I guess.\n- Mmm-hmm.", "We should make a pact.", "If the years go by, and we both turn 40,", "and we're still single, we...", "Robin Scherbatsky,\nwill you be my backup wife?", "A girl always dreams\nof hearing those words.", "Yes! Yes! A million times, yes!", "Thank you.", "All right, it's a deal.\n- Yeah.", "So, should we set up\nsome ground rules for this?", "Okay, like what?", "I don't know. Like neither one of us\ncan get super fat. Stuff like that.", "Okay, I only have one,\nyou can't wear a nightshirt.", "I will never wear a nightshirt.\n- Thank God.", "Never mind.", "No!"], "How I Met Your Mother S04E18 Old King Clancy": ["In the spring of 2009,\nI'd been hired to design", "a new headquarters\nfor Goliath National Bank.", "And I was eager to add\nas much of my voice as an architect", "into the plans as possible.", "Wood beams bathed in natural light\nin the atrium.", "They're gonna love it!", "There was only one problem,\nand his name was Bilson.", "Wood? Natural light?", "Uh, no!", "Natural light reminds the workers\nthat there is an outside world", "where they have family and friends.", "We want to crush that!", "You show up in the dark,\nyou go home in the dark.", "You spend your whole damn day", "in the dark!", "I need to hear Lily's voice.", "Who said you could leave?", "Bilson was killing\nevery original idea I had.", "Then, one day,\nGNB took him off the project", "and created a new task force\nto oversee my designs.", "Suddenly, everything changed.", "We'll have a rooftop Zen garden\nfor quiet contemplation.", "We'll have a reflecting pool in the lobby", "where local children can come\nto make wishes.", "The new GNB, a place of work", "that you can call home.", "Thank you, and, um,", "welcome home.", "Everything was going great,\nuntil one day, in the elevator...", "Whoa!", "Yeah, it's Ted.", "No, no, no, no.\nI did not approve that change", "for the blueprints\nfor the new GNB headquarters", "for which I'm the head architect\nat only 30 years old.", "Yes,\nI'm single and I give to charity.", "What does that have to do with anything?", "All right, goodbye, Mr. Mayor.", "You know that was a fake phone call,\ndon't you?", "Yes, and I also know\nthat the new GNB headquarters project", "was scrapped last month.", "Nice try.", "Check out Scarlett Johansson\nat the Oscars.", "If I could nail any celebrity,\nit would definitely be Scarlett Johansson.", "Hot, talented, and nobody does\nthat many Woody Allen movies", "without serious daddy issues.", "If I could nail any celebrity, it would be Lily.\nShe's the star of my heart.", "Aw!", "For me, it'd be Hugh Jackman.", "You know, I don't know, celebrities,\nthey're into some really weird sex stuff.", "Trust me.", "How would you know that?", "This is embarrassing, but I...", "I went home with a celebrity one night.", "Oh, my God! Seriously?", "Yeah. He wanted to do\nthis really freaky thing with me,", "so I left. That's it. End of story.", "No, no, not end of story.", "I need to know who, what, when\nand in where. Spill it!", "Lily, please settle down.\nYou're swallowing too much air.", "But before you go any further,", "I'm flattered, but technically,\nI'm not a celebrity.", "And plus, for the last time,\nI put the mask on as a joke.", "Okay, not you, Barney.", "Okay, who is it?", "Okay, now you gave Lily the hiccups.", "Okay, I won't tell you anything specific,", "but all I'll say is he is Canadian-born,\nbut you definitely know this guy,", "and he got me back to his place", "by offering to show me\na very unique collection.", "What do you mean, collection?", "Well, you know how some people collect,\nlike, stamps or coins? It's like that.", "But I'm not telling.", "Well, at least tell us the weird thing\nhe wanted to do.", "I don't know\nwhat you call it in the States,", "but we have a name for it in Canada.", "Look, I've already said too much.", "So, mystery celebrity\nwho collects a mystery item", "asked you to do\na mystery Canadian sex act.", "Yes.\n- Tell us!", "Okay, I'll tell you.", "But only if you guess\nall three parts correctly.", "Well, that's just impossible.\n- Exactly.", "I don't even know any Canadian sex acts.", "Well, you got your Sloppy Dog Sled,", "your Alberta Fur Trapper,\nyour Full Mountie...", "How do you know all these?", "Canadiansexacts. org,\nit's bookmarked on the top right.", "\"Dot org\"?\n- Yeah. It's not for profit.", "They really just want to get\nthe information out there.", "Hey, so, I just had\nthe weirdest conversation.", "This woman at GNB told me that the new\nbank building was scrapped last month.", "That's crazy, right?", "Wait, what... What was that look?", "Should we tell him?\n- I don't want to tell him.", "I think we should tell him.\n- We're not telling him.", "There was no look.", "Guys, what the hell?", "Okay, it's time that you know the truth.", "A few weeks ago,\nBilson called us into his office.", "We're scrapping the plan\nfor the new GNB headquarters.", "This recession is killing us.", "We're cutting anything non-essential.", "And I have a lot of tough choices to make\nat the bi-quarterly retreat in Saint Croix.", "Man, Ted is gonna be devastated.", "Not when he hears it\ncoming from his best friend.", "I have to tell him?\n- I have to tell him?", "You should tell him, you're his best friend.", "Am not, you're his best friend.\n- Am not, you're his best...", "Am...\n- Quiet, here he comes.", "What, the white dude or the Asian fellow?\nSee? I barely know the guy.", "Hey, Ted, what's up?\n- Hey, how're you doing?", "I'm frustrated.", "Anything innovative I put in my designs,\nBilson just hacks out with a machete.", "I hate having to answer to a guy like that.", "You should drop the project.", "You should totally drop the project.\nIt's beneath you.", "Then it's settled.\nTo Ted Mosby's new chapter.", "May the wind be at your back,\nand may the road...", "Are you kidding? They just laid off\nanother architect at my firm.", "I mean, Bilson's a pain, sure,", "but without this project,\nI'm probably out of a job.", "Right. Um, it's funny\nthat you mention the project,", "because...\n- You're nailing it.", "Keep up the good work, buddy.", "Your hair and teeth look fantastic today.\nYou're shining like a diamond!", "Thank you. I needed that.", "All right, I'm going to head upstairs\nand keep working.", "I've got to find a way to introduce\nsome wood into Bilson's dark atrium.", "I think you know what I meant.", "What was that?\n- I... I have a thought, okay?", "We're paying Ted's firm for two more\nmonths of design work, no matter what,", "so couldn't we just let him keep working\nand not tell him?", "He's had a rough year. Let's let the guy\nbe happy a little while longer.", "Marshall, what you're suggesting\nis an elaborate, long-term lie", "that requires tremendous commitment.", "A nice guy like you can't pull that off.", "Sure I can.\n- Lie to me right now.", "Okay. I have a spaceship.", "What kind of fuel powers your spaceship?\n- Okay, I don't have a spaceship.", "No! Stand your ground.\nIf someone questions you,", "distract them from the original lie\nwith more lies.", "Here, let me demonstrate. I own a pony.\nAsk me a question.", "Okay. Um...", "What color is your pony?", "Well, when I first got Dandelion,\nshe was a deep chestnut brown,", "but sadly, her stable is located\nnear a chemical plant", "which contaminated the drinking water.", "So over time, she's turned\na sickly, grayish-white color,", "and there's nothing\nthat the vet can do to fix her.", "My God! I'm... That's horrible.\nIs Dandelion going to be okay?", "Okay. All right. You are good!\n- Huh?", "Dandelion's not even sick, is she?", "So the building's really dead\nand you guys lied to me?", "We just did it to protect you, Ted.", "I can't believe this.\nI just got screwed by my two best friends,", "and I didn't even know it.", "In Canada, that's called\na \"Sneaky Snowplow. \"", "That building was my dream job,\nand now, it's just gone.", "We're so sorry, Ted.\n- I need a drink.", "Poor Ted.", "Would I seem heartless if I switched us\nback to Canadian Sex Acts?", "Not at all.\n- I'm surprised you waited this long.", "What the hell is a Two-Hand Zamboni?", "Let's just say the only thing the woman\nis wearing is skates on her hands.", "A Manitoba Milk Bag?", "Okay, it's like a Chicago Mustache,", "but the person on the bottom\nis wearing a snowsuit.", "A Newfoundland Lobster Trap?\n- Don't know. Don't want to know.", "Those Newfies are out of control.", "Okay!\nOkay, I'm going to make my first guess.", "Okay, but I'll only tell you", "if you correctly guess the person,\nthe act and the collection.", "Okay, I'm going to go. Bryan Adams.", "He collects baseball cards,\nand he wanted to do a Greasy Kayak.", "No.", "Wayne Gretzky, vintage Hot Wheels,\na Squatting Eskimo.", "No.\n- Mmm! Kiefer Sutherland,", "souvenir shot glasses,\nand a Sticky Flapjack.", "No. That I would have done.", "Wait.", "Wait, if they pulled the plug\non the project a month ago,", "why have I been going in once a week", "to meet with\nthe New Headquarters Task Force?", "Well, obviously you couldn't come in\nand pitch to Bilson.", "So, we invented the task force.", "Then it was just a question\nof putting together the team.", "You know Roy Waterman,\nVice-President of Capital and Risk?", "He's actually Roy the janitor.", "Hey. Excuse me, Roy.\nHow'd you like to make a few extra bucks?", "How naked do I have to get?", "Louisa Mendoza,\nExecutive Vice-President of Assets?", "She's actually Louisa the lunch lady.", "Louisa, I need your help with something,\nbut you can't tell anybody.", "Exactly. This is a big secret.", "How do you say \"secret\" in Spanish?", "Ah. Yes, alb\u00f3ndigas.", "This will be our little alb\u00f3ndigas.", "Hey, can I have a couple\nof meatballs, please?", "And Arthur Naismith, the eccentric\ngenius guru of corporate investments?", "He's actually Crazy Arty,\n15th Street's own one-man band.", "Excuse me.\n- Ah!", "Do you have a minute to talk?", "Actually, my assistant, Reginald,\nmakes all my appointments.", "We rounded out the group\nwith a few interns", "and paid everyone 50 bucks to act\nsuper-interested in what you were saying.", "Reginald, get me out of this for next week.", "That was some of the most inspired\ndesign work I've done in my entire career.", "I was so excited.", "Alex Trebek, a Musty Goaltender,\nBeanie Babies!", "Nope.\n- Damn it!", "Wait. So that explains the thing\nthat happened with Louisa.", "Good job, buddy.\n- Nice, nice!", "Listen, Louisa.\nWhat are we going to do about this?", "Don't act like you don't know\nwhat I'm talking about.", "I know you feel it, too.", "What the hell?", "No! No! No, this is wrong!", "For God's sake, you're on the task force!", "Is there anything else you want to tell me?", "Well, you know how you played third base\nfor the GNB softball team?", "Yeah.", "There is no GNB softball team.", "We just rented out a field,\nrounded up a bunch of guys", "and told them to make you the hero.", "So my game-winning walk was a lie?", "We're sorry, Ted, but we knew\nthat you'd be out of work soon,", "and we just... We just wanted\nto make you feel good.", "You know, that's what friends do.\n- Lie to each other?", "Sometimes, yeah,\nto protect each other's feelings.", "No way! You never lie to your friends.\nI would never not be honest with you.", "Really? What about that open mic night\nat the comedy club?", "Are you like me, folks?", "Have you ever thought about how many\ndifferent kinds of fish there are,", "and the names of those fish?", "Let's, uh, let's take a little ride.", "\"Trout. \"Am I right?", "\"Sturgeon. \"I don't think so, pal.", "\"Salmon. \"", "Ah! I'm going to say that again.", "\"Salmon. \"", "Who thought that was a good idea, right?", "\"Bass. \" This guy over here\nknows what I'm talking about.", "\"Halibut. \"", "Thank you, good night.", "How was I?\n- Oh! You were great. Really funny.", "You killed", "everyone's Thursday night.", "Time out. You didn't like the fish list?", "It was horrible! You just read a list of fish.", "Anyway, you guys\njust proved my point, okay?", "You lied to me to protect my feelings.", "This is completely different!", "I just wasted a month of my life\nworking on a dead project.", "That's time I could've spent\ntrying to bring my firm new business.", "Instead, I'm going to go in there\ntomorrow morning,", "I'm probably going to get fired.", "Best-case scenario, my boss is going\nto ream me out in front of everybody.", "Back home, we call that a...\n- \"Saskatoon Totem Pole. \"", "Yes.\n- It's on here.", "Good morning, lying bastards.", "Anything you want to lie about\nbefore I head off to work to get fired?", "That's a nice shirt.\n- You're the devil.", "Ted, what if we told you\nthat we found you a new project at GNB", "where you would be redesigning\npart of the 20th floor?", "Well, if that's a lie,\nit's an incredibly dull one.", "What exactly would I be doing?", "This is the 18th floor ETR.", "Basically, Bilson wants\na room just like this,", "only two stories up, on our floor.", "Wait, what's an ETR?", "It's the Employee Transition Room.\n- What does that mean?", "Well, it's a space\nwhere a supervisor and an employee", "engage in a knowledge transfer about\nan impending vocational paradigm shift.", "People get fired in here.", "That's horrible.", "Why do you need a room\nspecifically for firing people?", "Well, GNB feels that people need a safe,\nsecure space to deal with the news.", "Yeah. It gets pretty real in here.", "So, I reluctantly agreed to\ndesign a room where people would be fired.", "But I was determined to make it my own.", "Now, when you leave the dismissal space,\nyou'll exit into what I'm calling", "the Rebirth Tranquility Hallway.", "Uh-oh.", "Here, you'll find a soothing oval chamber\nwith a trained grief counselor.", "It's right here,\npast the New Beginnings Fountain.", "Uh-oh.", "And there you have it.\nInstead of a drab, dark prison cell,", "a nurturing womb\nbirthing you into a new life.", "I love it.", "Really?\n- Yeah.", "Nice work, Ted.\n- Thank you.", "Can you add some of these touches\nto the existing 18th Floor ETR as well?", "Absolutely.\n- Great.", "Let's take a look.", "Okay, so I'm thinking this wall...\n- You're fired!", "What?\n- I wanted this room!", "This exact room, two floors up!", "But...\n- You're fired!", "Now, get the hell out of here.", "Hey, honey.", "Anyone from the band Rush,", "a Montreal Meatpie,\nand superhero lunch boxes.", "No.", "Okay. Rick Moranis,\nthe Reverse Rick Moranis,", "antique Judaica.", "No.\n- I give up.", "I've been guessing for three days. I'm done.", "If that means I never get to know, so be it.", "Fine.\n- Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!", "Okay, you really want to know?", "Yes!", "Okay.", "But this information\ndoes not leave this table.", "Oh, my God. I am so excited.", "I'm going to read it.\n- Read it.", "I'm going to read it.\n- Read it.", "I'm going to read it. Here we go.", "\"The Frozen Snowshoe,\nOld King Clancy, Harvey's trays. \"", "Right.", "I don't know\nwhat any of those words mean.", "Is one of those supposed to be a celebrity?", "Yeah, who the hell is Old King Clancy?", "No, that's not the person, that's the sex act.", "It's the same as a Sacramento Turtleneck,\nexcept with maple syrup.", "So the celebrity was Harvey Strays?", "No, that's what he collected.\nHarvey's trays.", "You know, those classic orange trays\nyou get whenever you eat at Harvey's?", "The restaurant?", "Oh, come on, you're road-tripping\ndown the Trans-Canada Highway,", "you get a hunger on\nbetween Milverton and Wawa,", "where are you gonna strap on a feed bag,\nhuh? Harvey's. \"Over 12,000 Served!\"", "So the celebrity was...\n- The Frozen Snowshoe.", "Oh, my God! You guys have never\nheard of The Frozen Snowshoe?", "He's only the most famous\nprofessional wrestler in Canada.", "I met him after he defeated\nReckless Rick Rogers", "in the Kamloops Memorial Arena\nback in '02. Classic match.", "So you're saying The Frozen Snowshoe", "invited you back to his place\nto look at Harvey's trays,", "and asked you to do an Old King Clancy?", "Exactly. And I'm serious,\nyou cannot tell anyone.", "Well, my hiccups are gone.", "Possibly forever.", "Canada! You did it again.\nYou even found a way to ruin this.", "Why? Why do we let you be a country?", "Hey, Mr. Mister.\n- Hey.", "Shouldn't you be upstairs,\ndesigning your big, fancy ETR?", "I'm off the project.\n- What?", "Bilson fired me.\n- You're kidding me.", "So what does this mean for you\nat your firm? Are you going to get laid off?", "Actually, I just quit.\n- Why?", "Because I can't work for big,\nheartless corporate clients anymore.", "When I was pitching to your \"task force,\"", "I was doing the most inspired work\nof my career.", "In a way, you idiots reminded me\nhow much fun my job can be", "when I'm not answering\nto the Bilsons of the world, so", "I quit.\n- Wow.", "They fired you, didn't they?\n- Yes, sir.", "But I got a sweet severance package\nand I've made a big decision.", "I'm going to start my own firm.", "Whoa, buddy!\n- That's exciting.", "In this economy?", "So you're not mad?", "As it turns out, I'm grateful.", "So how'd it all go down\nbetween you and Bilson?", "Well, after he proposed\na vocational paradigm shift,", "I made an impromptu presentation\nusing a four-pronged approach", "that really brought him to his knees.", "Hit him with a chair?\n- Yep.", "That's my boy.", "And this one, I got on the drive\nfrom Milverton to Wawa.", "Wow. That's pretty impressive,\nThe Frozen Snowshoe.", "Please, we're friends. Just call me \"Shoe. \"", "Have a seat.", "So, Shoe,", "how would you like to give me", "an Old King Clancy?", "I think you should go."], "How I Met Your Mother S04E19 Murtaugh": ["You will not believe what happened\nat laser tag last night.", "People freaked out because\na creepy man in a suit", "wouldn't leave their kids alone?\n- No.", "Well, yeah, pretty much.", "Come on!", "Ow! My shoulder!\n- Come on.", "Stinson, my office! Now!", "Crap.", "Disorderly game play,", "three counts of shoving, and now this!", "Stinson, you're a liability!", "I know I don't play by\nyour \"precious rules,\" McCracken,", "but damn it, I get results!", "Look, you're a good laser tag player,", "maybe the best I've ever seen.", "But one of these days,\nyou're gonna get someone hurt.", "Maybe even yourself.", "You just forget what it's like out there.", "You've had your fat ass stuck behind\nthat desk for too long.", "That's it! You're out of here, Stinson!", "Hand in your gun and your ID badge!\n- With pleasure.", "Please don't do this. This game is all I got.", "And I've almost got enough tickets\nfor the remote-control helicopter.", "Please.", "I can't believe I'm doing this.", "But I'm gonna give you one last shot.", "But so help me,\nif you so much as step one toe out of line,", "you're gonna be playing Duck Hunt\nin your mama's basement", "so fast it's gonna make your head spin.\nNow, get out of here!", "You won't regret this.", "Whoa.", "That's it, Stinson. You're banned for life!", "No!", "I can't believe you got kicked out of\nlaser tag. What are you gonna do?", "What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?", "I'll tell you what Ted and I are gonna do.", "We're gonna break in after hours\nand TP the place.", "Barney, we are too old to cover\na place in toilet paper", "just because they won't\nlet you play laser tag.", "And for that matter,\nwe're too old for laser tag.", "Ted, laser tag knows no age restrictions.", "Kind of like stripping in the Midwest.\n- Yeah, whatever.", "I'm adding laser tag to the Murtaugh list.\n- Oh, jeez, not the Murtaugh list.", "Yeah.\n- What's the Murtaugh list?", "The Murtaugh list\nis something that came into being", "around the time I turned 30.", "It all started with\nyour uncle Marshall's beer bong.", "When we were in our early 20s,\nevery time we had a party,", "that beer bong came out.", "And around the time we turned 30,\nsame thing.", "Of course, in our early 20s,\nthe next day would go like this.", "But by the time we were 30,\nthe next day would go like this.", "Then one day, in the throes of\nthe worst hangover of my life,", "I realized there was only one person\nin the world that I could relate to.", "Detective Roger Murtaugh,\nplayed by Danny Glover", "in the '80s noir masterpiece\nLethal Weapon,", "known for his oft-quoted catchphrase...", "I'm too old for this...", "Stuff. He said,\n\"I'm too old for this stuff. \"", "It's sad to admit, but as you get older,", "there's just certain things\nyou can't do anymore.", "That's why I have this list,\nso I never make the mistake of thinking", "that I can still pull an all-nighter.", "Oh.", "I'm too old for that stuff.", "Or eat an entire pizza in one sitting.", "I'm too old for that stuff.", "Or hang posters on your wall\nwithout frames.", "Riggs. Riggs!", "I'm too old for that stuff.", "By the way, how good is Lethal Weapon?", "I don't know. It's kind of a rip-off.", "Old guy paired up\nwith a young, renegade cop.", "Sound familiar?", "Mackleroy and LeFleur.", "Don't tell me you guys\nhave never seen Mackleroy and LeFleur.", "It's the greatest Canadian action movie\nof all time.", "Mackleroy is a young, renegade Mountie\nwhose horse was just killed", "by evil Americans...\n- Wait.", "...while LeFleur, his grouchy,\nold, African-Canadian partner,", "just bought a cozy ice-fishing shack...\n- Wait.", "...in northern Alberta.", "Now...\n- Stop it!", "I got to go.\n- Bye, baby. Have fun at practice.", "Practice? Is he doing\nthat one-man band thing again?", "'Cause that was a bummer.", "Actually,\nMarshall had just taken over as coach", "for Lily's kindergarten basketball team.", "He thought it'd be fun,\nbut Lily saw it as something more.", "Dad practice.", "Hi.\n- Hey! Oh, my gosh!", "Orange slices. That is so sweet.\nWhat are you doing here?", "I couldn't resist. I wanted to see\nCoach Marshmallow do his thing.", "Oh!", "Okay.", "Hey, kids, who wants to knock off early", "and have some of these here\norange slices?", "Yeah? Well, you can't!\nBecause oranges are for winners,", "and you little turds\nhaven't even made a single shot yet!", "You're embarrassing yourselves,\nyou're embarrassing Miss Aldrin,", "and worst of all, you're embarrassing me!", "That's it! Suicides! Baseline! Now!", "Run.", "Ted, there is not a single thing on here\nthat you are too old to do.", "In fact, if you did everything\non the Murtaugh list,", "I'd call that a pretty fun weekend.", "Barney, you are not 18 anymore.", "If you did everything on that list,\nyou would die.", "That wasn't a challenge.\n- Challenge accepted.", "In the next 24 hours, I'm going to do\nevery single thing on this list.", "And after I do, you will TP\nthe laser tag place with me.", "And if you can't do it?", "I will spend three hours\nlistening to you talk about architecture.", "You have got yourself a deal.\nRobin, will you do the honors?", "A gentlemen's agreement!", "Huzzah!\n- Huzzah!", "All right, chumps, let's do this.\nBarney Stinson!", "You really want to make this bet with him?\nYou know how he is.", "Robin, there is some pretty tough stuff\non that list.", "Do you really think\nBarney's gonna get his ear pierced?", "\"Get ear pierced. \" Check.", "All right, I'm off to go\ndo laundry at Mom's house.", "Hey, you guys mind if I crash\non your futon tonight?", "We don't have a futon.\n- Put it over there, boys.", "What's going on?\n- It's on the Murtaugh list.", "\"Crash on a friend's futon\ninstead of getting a hotel room. \"", "I am too old for that stuff.", "Dude, what's going on with your ear?", "It looks like the inside of a jack-o'- lantern\non November 3rd.", "What, this? Just a little infectsh.", "Nothing a young guy like me\ncan't shake off.", "Plus, \"Put off going to the doctor,\"\non the list.", "Oh. Hold on.", "Go for...", "Keep running!", "You know what's funny is I was\nsupposed to come here to teach them...", "Do not stop running!", "This whole time, they've been the ones\nwho are teaching me. Hey!", "That's not running! That's falling!", "The next morning, Barney\nwoke up on the futon in our living room.", "Check.", "\"Drinking shots with strangers. \" Check.", "You okay, Barney?\nIt looks like you hurt your back.", "Oh, no. Just rocking a party hunch. I like it.", "Closer to my booze. To youth.", "Can I get a straw?", "I must say, there is something admirable", "about the way Barney wants\nto stay young at heart.", "I mean, who wants to get old?\n- This guy.", "Robin, life is a meal\nand old age is the dessert.", "I spend so much of my time worrying\nabout the future.", "You know, \"Where's my career going?\nWho am I gonna marry?\"", "But when you're old, you don't worry,\n'cause all that stuff's already happened.", "Plus, you get to wear comfy shoes,", "and a chair takes you\nup and down the stairs. It's perfect.", "That's not perfect. That's pathetic.\nYou can't just jump to the end.", "The journey is the best part.", "Oh, Robin, I used to feel that way, too,", "but you'll understand when\nyou're a little bit older.", "Marshall, can you try\nnot to pick on the kids today?", "I'm not picking on the kids, Lily.", "I'm picking on the culture of losing\naround here.", "I got to get them in shape\nif they're gonna win that game tomorrow.", "Win? We don't keep score.", "What?\n- We don't keep score.", "You don't keep...", "What's the point of playing if you don't\nkeep score? How do you know...", "Lily, what were you doing with this team\nbefore I got here?", "I was coaching them.", "Whee!", "That's it, my little angels.", "You're all luminous,\nwonderful beings of light.", "What's the score?\n- It's all tied up at fun to fun!", "Because that's the point of playing,\nto have fun.", "No. The point of playing is\nto win the trophy.", "And if you don't know who's winning,\nwho gets the trophy?", "Everyone. It's a participation trophy.\nEveryone gets one.", "It's like you're speaking Chinese\nto me right now.", "Hi, this is Barney.\n- And Robin.", "We can't answer the phone right\nnow because...", "He's watching sports and I'm...", "Probably out shopping.", "Uh-oh!", "Leave a message and we'll call you\nback just as soon...", "As...\n- We...", "Can!\n- Can!", "\"Leave an annoying two-person message\non your answering machine. \" Check.", "Probably gonna cost me some dates,\nbut it's okay.", "Barney, your ear's starting to smell.\n- No, it's good.", "I hate to send it back, but you did describe\nthe turkey as extremely lean,", "and, well, you tell me.", "All right. That's it.", "We have our own list.\n- What?", "This is a list of things\nyou're too young to do.", "Go out and do each one of these things", "and then tell me you still\nwant to be an old man.", "Hmm.", "Remove \"Colonoscopy\"\nand \"Have sex with an old lady,\"", "and this is a cakewalk.", "New stakes, then. If I can finish your list\nbefore you finish mine,", "you have to come with me to TP laser tag,\nand you have to buy the toilet paper.", "And none of that biodegradable crap.\nI want it up there forever.", "Fine, but if I finish your list first,", "it's a six-hour survey of early 20th-century\nAmerican architecture,", "and you can never do anything\non the Murtaugh list ever again.", "It's for your own good.\n- You, sir, have got yourself a deal.", "A gentlemen's agreement!", "Huzzah!\n- Huzzah!", "Marshall, they're in kindergarten.\nThis isn't how you teach basketball.", "Sure it is. It's the way I learned.\n- Are you kidding me?", "What kind of sociopath\ntaught you this way?", "Come on, Dad. I'm tired.\n- Sleep is for winners.", "You can go to bed\nwhen you score a basket.", "I'm trying.\n- Let's give you two points for trying.", "But negative two points\nfor having a great big head.", "My father gave me no quarter,\nand I asked for no quarter.", "I totally gotta call that guy.", "Keep stretching!", "\"Put on reading glasses. \" Check.", "\"Yell at neighborhood kids. \" My pleasure.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "What the hell happened to you?\n- Oh, I just had a very minor", "blew-out-my-knee-and-it-hurts-like-hell\nincident.", "How'd you blow out your knee?", "We \"Helped someone move out of\na sixth-floor walk-up", "\"in exchange for pizza and beer. \"", "Or we helped someone\nrob a sixth-floor walk-up.", "They were in a big hurry\nand left all the pictures behind.", "Whatevs. It counts.", "Now I am off to\n\"Dye my hair a funny color,\"", "and then we are going to \"Go to a rave. \"\n- Mmm-hmm.", "Ooh! 4:00! Supper time.", "Okay. So, your dad was tough on you.", "That stinks,\nbut you don't have to be like him.", "You can learn from his mistakes.", "Mistakes? Lily, scoreboard.", "The guy nailed it, okay?\nHe taught me how to be a winner.", "That's what I'm teaching these kids.\nAnd, for that matter,", "that's what I'm gonna teach\nour kids someday.", "Okay, that's it. This is not how\nwe're gonna raise our kids!", "And this is not how you're\ngonna coach this team!", "At tomorrow's game,\nif you are anything less", "than a teddy bear stuffed\nwith cotton candy and rainbows,", "I will silent-treatment your ass\ninto the ground!", "You'll think the time I found your Internet\nsearch history was a freaking picnic!", "Are we clear?", "Lily, there are many different...", "Are we clear?\n- Yes, ma'am.", "You know, what's ironic is that now...\nLily, no!", "Just call Ted. I want to go home.", "All right. I'm calling him.\nBut it's 4:30 in the morning.", "He's not going to be awake.", "\"Up at 4:00.\" Check.", "Is he answering?\n- I haven't dialed yet.", "Oh, please hurry, Robin.", "Ooh, perfect.", "\"Take forever to answer the phone. \"", "Come on, Ted.\nSomeone gave me some aspirin", "and I don't think it was aspirin.", "Check.", "So, I know that I have been a little tough\non you for the past couple days.", "And I apologize for that.", "So today, we're not gonna worry\nabout winning.", "We're gonna go out there and have fun.", "Kids, over the years,\nyour uncle Marshall has told and retold", "the story of this game hundreds of times.", "And in reality, the kids on that other team", "were probably only a grade older.", "But in telling and retelling the story,\nthey came to look like this.", "Yay! Way to let them score that easily.", "Now you're sitting down. Awesome.", "Addison, it's not soccer.\nYou don't kick the ball!", "Unless that's something\nthat you think is fun,", "in which case, great job having fun.", "Whoa, that was a foul, wasn't it, ref?", "My name's not Ref. It's Kenny.\nAnd watch your tone.", "No tone, Kenny. Great job, Kenny.", "Thanks a lot, Kenny. See you later, Kenny.", "All right, Barney. As your manager,\nI'm throwing in the towel.", "This bet is over.", "Your ear looks like a free Danish\nat a continental breakfast.", "No. No. One thing left. \"Beer bong. \"", "Oh! Coming right up.", "I found these weird Russian beers\nin the basement.", "Russian beers? I'll take a brewski.", "Hey. Brewski. Get it?", "Yeah, it's a little warm.", "Hope that's not a problem.", "Don't. Okay. Don't, don't, don't.", "All right, Ted. You win. I hate this.", "I hate all of it. My back is killing me.", "Everyone at the rave thought I was a narc.", "My ear hurts so bad I can hear it.", "I can hear my own ear. Think about that.", "My clothes...\nWhat is it... What is it... What am I...", "Get this stuff off of me!", "Ted, I'll pay you double for your finest suit.", "Here's 30 bucks.", "And throw in the shoes.", "You win, Ted.", "I'll never do anything on\nthe Murtaugh list again.", "I'm too old for this stuff.", "You know, Barney, last night,\nI went to bed at 8:00", "because it was on the list,", "and I couldn't sleep because,\nwell, it was 8:00.", "So I decided to watch Lethal Weapon.", "And then, when I still couldn't sleep,\nI watched Lethal Weapon 2.", "And then I watched 3.", "And then, halfway through\nLethal Weapon 4", "is when it occurred to me.", "Murtaugh kept saying,\n\"I'm too old for this stuff,\"", "but every time he'd say it,\nhe'd turn around, make another movie", "and do more stuff.", "I guess what I'm saying is,", "screw being old.", "Let's go TP laser tag, huh?\n- Yeah.", "And then the hospital.", "Great job, guys.", "At least we're not keeping score, right?\nNo idea what the score is.", "Could be 53 to zero.\nCould be some other score.", "It's 53 to zero.", "What are we doing wrong, Coach?", "You know what?\nYou're not doing anything wrong.", "It's great that you guys are losing,", "because in life, it doesn't matter\nhow much effort you put in,", "or how hard you try,\npeople will just give you things", "like diplomas and jobs and promotions.", "So, it doesn't matter what\nyou do out there,", "as long as you have fun.", "At that point, because they\ndidn't want to fight in front of the kids,", "your uncle Marshall and aunt Lily\nhad one of their telepathic conversations.", "Don't you give me that look.\nLily, I can't take it anymore!", "Your way of coaching is crazy!\nStop yelling at me!", "Sorry.", "But can I please do it my way?", "Fine, but I'm going to do it\nmy way, too. I'm getting my guitar.", "I don't know if it was\nMarshall's tough attitude,", "Lily's gentle encouragement", "or some magical combination of the two,", "but in the second half of that game,\nthat ragtag group of little firecrackers", "got beat down even worse.", "In fact, according to your uncle Marshall,", "in the second half,\nthe other team got even taller.", "And one of them turned into a Teen Wolf.", "Kenny! There is a Teen Wolf on the court!\nThat can't be legal.", "I know the Teen Wolf looks different, kids,\nbut try to make sure he feels included.", "Oh, yeah!", "How is that not traveling, Kenny?\nYou're killing me!", "You are absolutely killing me!\n- Hey, watch it, Coach,", "or you'll get a technical.", "Oh, Kenny, I'm begging you\nto give me a technical.", "When the final horn\nmercifully blew,", "the score was, by Marshall's estimate,\n118 to nothing.", "And even though they didn't win anything,", "everyone, even the coach,\ngot a participation trophy.", "I understand if you don't want it.", "I love it.", "I just... I worked so hard. It feels good\nto be appreciated for my effort.", "I know, baby.", "Maybe your way is not totally stupid.", "Thanks.", "Your way is totally stupid.", "Ow!", "McCRACKEN: Stinson!", "Son,", "you have been a pain in my ass\never since you joined this club.", "But damn it, if this ain't some of\nthe finest TP work I've ever seen.", "You're reinstated,", "effective immediately.\n- Really?", "Hell, no! I'm calling the police!", "Grown-ass man with pink hair\nthrowing toilet paper.", "You've got to be kidding me,\nI'm too old for this...", "Stuff, he said, \"Stuff. \""], "How I Met Your Mother S04E20 Mosbius Designs": ["Lily, I heard this great joke at work today.", "Dude, come on. She's not gonna like it.\nIt's boy-funny. It's not girl-funny.", "That is sexist! Funny is funny, Ted.", "Lily's cool. She'll appreciate this.\n- You're on your own, man.", "Just tell me the joke.\n- Okay. Ready?", "Lily, what's the difference\nbetween peanut butter and jam?", "See? It's funny.\n- It's boy-funny.", "She's not gonna like it.", "Why don't you let me decide?", "What's the difference\nbetween peanut butter and jam?", "And then\nBarney said the punch line.", "To this day, it's still the dirtiest joke\nI've ever heard in my life.", "And no, I'm not gonna say it.", "Yeah, I can't hang out with you anymore.", "Oh, come on.\nThat's a funny joke.", "Told you.\n- She'll be back.", "And we didn't\nsee Lily for four weeks.", "Kids, after getting laid off,\nI was finally pursuing my lifelong dream,", "starting my own architecture firm.\nAll I needed was some clients.", "I think it's so great that you're\nstriking out on your own, Ted.", "I admire that.\n- Thanks.", "And thanks for being so cool\nwith me using the apartment.", "Oh, yeah, of course. Anything you need.", "Hey, small thing, do you mind\nnot watching television", "during business hours?\n- This isn't working!", "I'm sorry. It's just, I can't concentrate\nwhile Wheel of Fortune is...", "A penny saved is a Penny Marshall! Yes!", "Ted, I know you're nervous,\nbut you've got to stop procrastinating.", "You've spent the last two days choosing\nthe official pen of Mosbius Designs.", "Hey, I've made some progress, huh?", "I've eliminated felt-tip.", "Who am I kidding?\nFelt's back in the ballgame.", "Hey. You hear there's gonna\nbe more layoffs?", "I know. I'm freaking out.", "Are you worried?\n- Are you kidding?", "The things I know about this company,\nI won't ever be fired.", "I mean, there's a pretty good chance\none day I'll wash up on shore", "with no fingerprints or teeth,\nbut I won't be fired.", "Well, I wish I had your confidence.", "Look, you just need a way to make\nyourself absolutely essential.", "Well, I work harder\nthan anyone in my division.", "Yeah. Keeping your job has\nnothing to do with hard work.", "You need a thing.\n- What do you mean, a thing?", "You know, something that makes you fun\nand well-liked, like Marcus Denisco.", "Marcus Denisco\nworked in Account Services", "and was perhaps the most expendable\nemployee at the company.", "I brought some donuts.\nThey're probably stupid.", "But eventually,\nhe came to be known as...", "Food Guy!\n- Food Guy!", "Who wants some pulled pork?\nOf course you do! Come on!", "I love Food Guy.\nThey could never lay him off.", "Mmm-hmm.\n- You know what I love about Food Guy?", "He always has food.\n- He always has food.", "See? That's what you need.", "You need that thing\nthat makes you a guy.", "Oh, I have that thing that makes me a guy.", "Maybe even a guy and a half.", "Not that thing.\nYou know, a thing. Like Toy Guy.", "Guys, bad news.", "As your HR rep, I gotta review the new\novertime scheduling policy with you.", "The good news is we're gonna do it\nwhile wearing Wolverine claws!", "Section 5A, overtime will no longer\nbe paid at time and a half.", "This is awesome!\n- Claw five!", "I love Toy Guy.", "See? You need a thing.\nLike YouTube Clip Guy.", "You're right. I do need a thing.", "But choose wisely.", "You don't want to be\nCreepy Back Rub Guy.", "Hey, don't fill up.\nFood Guy's got Panna Cotta in his office.", "Ooh!", "Hey, buddy.", "Hey, Douglas.", "Wow. You're so tight.", "I was relaxed about two seconds ago.", "You're next.", "Hi. Welcome to Mosbius Designs.", "Who the hell are you?\n- I'm PJ, Mr. Mosby's assistant.", "Ted, what the hell is going...\n- I'm sorry,", "we do not interrupt Mr. Mosby\nduring his brainstorming hour.", "It's okay, PJ. That's Robin. She lives here.", "Oh, I'm sorry for the disturbance, sir.\nDo you need anything else?", "Well, I wouldn't say no to a cup of...\n- You're right there!", "So now Ted has an assistant\nto help him not do anything.", "Hey, PJ's been a huge help to me,", "setting up the office,\ndesigning the website.", "And in return, I'm mentoring\na bright, young mind.", "Ah, yes, the mentoring.", "I want you to go outside today and simply", "put your hands on buildings. All right?", "Feel the concrete pulse. Listen.", "Listen to the stories\nthe stones are telling you.", "And pick up my dry cleaning.\n- I will.", "Thank you so much, Mr. Mosby.\n- All right.", "Hey, Ted?", "This table just told me you're a douche.", "This whole mentoring thing is\njust another way", "to procrastinate\nfrom actually calling clients.", "I'm not procrastinating. I just...", "I want everything to be perfect, okay?\nI only get one shot at this.", "Fine, but PJ is not helping.\n- Hey, hey.", "If Ted says that PJ is important\nto the company,", "then PJ is not going anywhere.", "See? He's very valuable.\n- Whoa, whoa.", "PJ's a guy?", "PJ's not some hot chick you're banging?", "No, I'm mentoring him.", "Mentoring.", "I mentored a young fellow once.\nEven made him my wingman.", "Then, one day, he hired an assistant\nto work 10 feet from his bedroom", "who, get this, isn't a hot chick,", "proving he never listened\nto a word I said.", "And do you know that young man's name?", "Ted Mosby?\n- Maybe.", "I don't remember.", "Because he is dead to me!", "PJ's gonna be getting\na very confusing card in the mail", "along with a garment\nthat he should by no means", "wear for three days\nand then mail back to me.", "Hey, Barney.", "I thought of a thing\nto make me more essential here.", "I'm Eco Guy, 'cause everybody\nloves a guy who recycles, right?", "Fired. What else you got?", "I thought of a few others. Wacky Tie Guy.", "Fired.\n- Daily Fun Fact Guy?", "Did you know that you're fired?", "I Know a Good Stretch for That Guy?", "Downward-facing fired.", "Monty Python Guy?", "We are\nthe knights who say, \"You're fired. \"", "Wait! Wait! I did use to run a fantasy\nbaseball league back in law school.", "That's not bad.\nYou might be onto something.", "Awesome. Awesome! I'll be Fantasy Guy!", "We'll have to make you Sports Guy.\nWe already have a Fantasy Guy.", "What's up, bros?\n- Hey, Frank.", "Hello?", "Hey, PJ. Where are you? You're never late.", "You're on top of\nthe Empire State Building?", "Listen to the old gal.\nShe's got some stories to tell.", "Take all the time you need. Okay.", "Wait a second. \"Ted Mosby Home. \"", "Oh, my God, the call's coming\nfrom inside the house.", "That's not the Empire State Building.", "Robin, you cannot sleep with my assistant.", "I'm trying to run a business here.\nHow did this even happen?", "Well, at lunch, when you go\non your wisdom walks,", "it gives me and PJ\nsome time alone together.", "Inspiration, do your thing.", "It always does, sir. It always does.", "Hey, PJ, I actually have\nan architectural question for you.", "How does Ted's ass taste?", "I wouldn't know,\nbut I assume it tastes like genius.", "Why is the bathroom locked?", "Visitors need to sign in\nfor the bathroom key.", "Listen, Peej, and I want you to think\nthis over real good before you answer.", "Are you telling me that I can't\ngo to the bathroom in my apartment?", "No. I am telling you", "that you need to ask permission\nto use the bathroom in my office.", "Why is that so hot?", "Robin, there are billions\nof guys in the world.", "Why do you have to\nsleep with my assistant?", "Ted, when I get off work,\nit's 5:30 in the morning.", "Do you have any idea\nwhat kind of guys I'm meeting?", "I deliver newspapers.", "It's a dirty job,\nbut somebody's got to do it.", "Don't worry. I'll wash them\nbefore I handle your business.", "I live with my mom.", "At night, we watch TV in her bed.\nWe call it Cuddle Club.", "So, you get up really early to\ntrade on the European stock exchanges.", "What's that like?\n- Look, is this gonna happen or not?", "Okay, first of all,\nI've hung out with Fantasy Guy.", "You could do a lot worse.\nSecondly, this has to stop.", "Distracting PJ is going\nto kill our productivity.", "What productivity?\nYou haven't even called a single client.", "Hey, once I get the website up,\nthe brochures printed,", "and figure out what trust games\nwe're going to play", "at the corporate retreat,\nI am making those calls.", "Corporate retreat?", "Mr. Mosby and I are\ngoing camping on the roof.", "Hey, Sports Guy.", "I hear people are raving\nabout your league.", "It's a lot harder than I thought it would be.", "Between entry fees and transaction fees\nand penalty fees, I'm actually...", "I'm holding on to a lot of money.", "Great work, Sports Guy.\nThat's for last week.", "60, 80, 100.", "Okay. This is $18,000 cash.", "It's not a big deal.", "I'll just take it home\nand put it somewhere safe.", "Okay, just walking down the street\nwith some money in my pocket.", "Don't touch the money.\nThat's so obvious. Just be cool.", "Oh, no. The baby's onto me.", "Babies can smell money.\nEveryone knows that!", "I'm carrying a lot of money!", "Seriously, dude, I'm not sure\nhow much longer I can keep doing this.", "Marshall, last week you were trash\nthat no one wanted to look at.", "Now, you're Sports Guy.", "I was trash?\n- Last week!", "Hey, there's Ted Mosby\nof Mosbius Designs.", "How's the home office coming, buddy?", "Well, it was going great till\nRobin started banging my assistant.", "Ted, it's our apartment, okay?", "You leave a big chocolate cake\non the counter,", "Mama's gonna cut her off a slice.", "I told you.", "Hire a cute assistant\nthat you can sleep with,", "but instead you hire a cute assistant\nthat Robin can sleep with.", "And of course he's gonna sleep\nwith her, Ted. Look at her!", "She's the greatest woman on the planet!\nI'm getting off topic!", "You're an idiot!\nThat's my message! You're an idiot!", "No.", "One person storming off isn't enough!\nMarshall, storm off with me!", "Barney. Dude, why are you this upset", "about Ted not having sex\nwith the people he hires?", "Because it hurts!", "It hurts you how?", "It hurts because I love", "Ted", "having sex with women.", "I'm a very dedicated wingman!", "Look, Lily's the only person that\nI can talk to about this stuff.", "Just get her to talk to me.", "I'll try, but look, there's no guarantees.", "She's still really outraged about that joke.", "That joke!", "Tore our little group apart,\npitted people I love against each other.", "Seriously, I wish...", "I wish that joke had\nnever come into our lives.", "It's kind of funny though, right?\n- It's so funny, man.", "Hey, good news, PJ.", "The brochures you designed just came in.\nReally interesting choice for the cover.", "I like how instead of one of my designs,\nyou chose this.", "You know what?\nI must've sent in the wrong photo.", "You think?", "Look, PJ, the website's still not done.", "You didn't even show up\nto the corporate retreat.", "By the way, I saw a shooting star,", "and you're late every day!", "I'm sorry, PJ. I gotta get focused.", "You're fired.", "You can't fire...\n- PJ, you're fired.", "Fine!", "Hey, baby. I just got fired.", "Yeah, I'll wait for you at your place.\nOkay, bye.", "Oh! Wheel of Fortune.", "I love having all this free time\nto spend with you.", "I'm going to kiss you here and here.\n- Ooh! Ooh!", "And here and here. And...", "Oh!\n- Please stop.", "I'm going to go to the bathroom.", "I'll miss you.\n- I'll miss you, too.", "You're already sick of him, aren't you?", "He's driving me crazy.", "When PJ had a job, he was sexy.\nHe was guardian of the bathroom key.", "A hot guy telling you\nwhen you can and can't pee?", "That's the dream.", "That's the dream? The dream?", "Like what Martin Luther King\nwas talking about?", "I have to end it, don't I?\nI'm terrible at breakups.", "I still have to go a little bit,", "but I couldn't be away from you\none second longer.", "Oh! Listen.", "Dude, I don't know.\n- What?", "Yeah, it's just...", "It's not really...", "Ix-nay, you know?", "Ix-nay on what?", "Not feeling it.\n- Not feeling what?", "But friends and stuff?", "Oh, my God,\nthis is the worst breakup ever.", "You're breaking up with me?", "If that's what you want,\nI totally understand.", "Hey, you still haven't activated that\nshortstop the Mariners just brought up.", "Gotta have it. Ha!", "See, Sports Guy? People love you.", "I can't be Sports Guy anymore, okay?\nIt's killing me!", "I keep getting these constant texts", "and e-mails and phone calls\nin the middle of the night.", "Sometimes I even think\nthat I'm being followed.", "Hey, buddy.", "I need you to push that trade through,\nso I can set up my new lineup.", "Wow, you really carry it in\nyour shoulders, don't you?", "Seriously, it's over.", "Do you want me to stop?", "No.", "With Robin and PJ broken up,\nI was free to make", "some staffing changes in the office.", "Hi, welcome to Mosbius Designs.", "You got to be kidding me.", "And now that PJ\nwas back at work...", "You got to be kidding me.", "So, apparently Robin\nand PJ are an item again.", "You got to be kidding me!", "Are you all right?", "Okay, since Lily's not talking to me,\nthere's something that I have to tell you.", "And this isn't easy to say, all right?", "I'm... Wait for it.", "...in... Wait for it.", "...love... Wait for it.", "...with... Wait for it.", "...a... Wait for it.", "...certain... Wait for it.", "I know that you're in love with Robin!\n- What?", "Lily told me.\n- She told you?", "Great.", "I bet you guys have been laughing at me\nbehind my back the whole time.", "Actually, in a weird way, we both think\nyou're kind of perfect for each other.", "You do?\n- Yeah. Matter of fact,", "we even try to sit\non the same side of the booth", "so you two will have to sit together.", "Really? That's so sweet.", "But let's be clear. I don't love her. Okay?", "I just miss her when she's not around.", "I think about her all the time,\nand I imagine us one day", "running towards each other\nin slow motion,", "and I'm wearing a brown suede vest.", "Are you ever going to\ntell her how you feel?", "No. Maybe. Never. I don't know. Look...", "I just need to get that PJ idiot\naway from her.", "If Lily were here, she'd know\nexactly how to get rid of him.", "Maybe I can help.", "Marshall, you're no Lily.", "Lily is a diabolical puppet master,", "subtly manipulating every situation\nto get exactly what she wants.", "She's pure evil, Marshall.", "You got a good one there. Hang on to her.", "Meanwhile, my bizarre\ntug of war with Robin over PJ continued.", "Hey, PJ.\nI was about to go on my wisdom walk.", "Want to join me?\nHey, PJ.", "I took the bathroom key without asking.", "What are you going to do about it?", "Look, you guys are both great,", "but the truth is I'm taking another job.", "These are for you.", "Robin, I hope this letter\noffers some closure.", "Ted, I'm really going to miss you.", "You can't trade Manny Ramirez\nfor two middle relievers!", "If you veto that trade,\nI am out of the league!", "Okay! Okay! I'll figure it out.", "Hire the kid to be a paralegal.", "He gets to do all the work,\nand you still get to be Sports Guy.", "Pure evil, Eriksen. Pure evil.", "Hey, thanks.", "Hey. You okay?", "What if I don't think of the books?\n- Excuse me?", "There's this famous architecture story", "about an architect\nwho designed this library.", "It was perfect.", "But every year, the whole thing would\nsink a couple of inches into the ground.", "Eventually, the building was condemned.", "He forgot to account\nfor the weight of the books.", "This company, it's just me.", "What if I don't think of the books?", "Okay, first of all, nobody goes to libraries\nanymore, so who cares about that guy?", "Secondly, you need to get on the phone\nand start calling clients.", "The longer I put off starting my own firm,", "the longer it can remain a dream\nand not something I screwed up at.", "I mean, it's like I'm giving up\nbefore I even started.", "You want to talk about giving up?", "I used to describe my ideal guy as\nfunny, smart, passionate, challenging.", "And now, apparently,\nI will settle for \"in my apartment. \"", "I mean, didn't you think you'd\nhave it all more figured out by now?", "Are you kidding? By 30, I was\ngoing to be annoyingly successful,", "married to the perfect woman,\nmaybe a kid on the way.", "Instead, I'm just some guy\nsitting in his apartment", "having a staring contest with his phone.", "And losing.", "Hey. You can take that thing.", "Hi, this is Ted Mosby of Mosbius Designs.", "I'm calling to inquire about\nany design needs you may have", "now or in the future.", "That sounds great, buddy.", "Really? I sound confident?\n- Yup.", "Now call an actual client.\n- Great.", "Hey, Food Guy!", "Hey, Toy Guy!", "Who's that guy?", "He doesn't work here.", "I think we should leave the building.\n- Really?", "This has happened before."], "How I Met Your Mother S04E21 The Three Days Rule": ["Great. So, I'll give you a call.", "Hope you do.\n- All right.", "Look at this.\n- Hey, I just got that girl's number.", "Check it out. Holli.", "Nice!", "Girls whose names end in \"L-Y\"\nare always dirty.", "Holly, Kelly, Carly, Lily...\n- Hey!", "Yeah, no, it's true.", "Don't even get me started on girls", "whose names should end in \"Y,\"\nbut instead end in \"I.\"", "Those girls are like roller coasters.", "You got to wait in a long line,\nbut once you get up there,", "you just hold on for dear life\nand hope you don't drop your keys.", "Hey, you know what I'm gonna do?\nI'm gonna call her right now.", "I'm gonna do that whole,\n\"Hey, remember me? It's been so long. \"", "See, it's funny, because I just saw her.\n- Dude, you can't call her.", "You have to wait three days\nto call a woman. That's the rule.", "Barney, that rule is completely played out.\nGirls know exactly what you're doing.", "Hey! I got a new rule.", "It's kind of crazy, but I call it,\n\"You like her, you call her. \"", "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?\nI don't speak I-never-get-laid.", "Barney, the three-days rule is insane.\nI mean, who even came up with that?", "Jesus.", "Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.", "Seriously. Jesus started the whole\nwait three days thing.", "He waited three days to come back to life.\nIt was perfect.", "If he'd have only waited one day,", "a lot of people wouldn't have even heard\nthat he died.", "They'd be all, \"Hey, Jesus, what up?\"", "And Jesus would probably be like,\n\"What up? I died yesterday. \"", "And then they'd be all,\n\"You look pretty alive to me, dude. \"", "And then Jesus would have to explain\nhow he was resurrected,", "and how it was a miracle.", "And then the dude would be like,\n\"Okay, whatever you say, bro. \"", "Wow, ancient dialogue\nsounds so stilted now.", "And he's not gonna come back\non a Saturday.", "Everybody's busy doing chores.", "Working the loom, trimming their beards.", "No. He waits\nthe exact right number of days.", "Three.", "Okay, I promise, I'll wait three days.\nJust please stop talking.", "Plus, it's Sunday,\nso everyone's in church already.", "They're all in there,\n\"Oh, no, Jesus is dead. \"", "Then, bam! He bursts through\nthe back door, runs up the aisle.", "Everyone's totally psyched. And FYI,\nthat's when he invented the high-five.", "Three days, Ted.\nWe wait three days to call a woman,", "because that's how long\nJesus wants us to wait.", "True story.", "Okay, fine. I promise.\nI won't call Holli for three days.", "But I never said anything about texting.", "I started things off\nwith something cute and charming.", "\"I was thinking about you,", "\"so I thought\nI'd send you a little texty text. \"", "And the moment I hit \"Send,\"\nI realized it wasn't cute at all.", "It was the lamest thing\nanyone has ever said to anyone.", "And the worst thing about texting\nis that once you send it...", "Oh!", "No!", "you can never get it back.", "And then, you wait.", "And just when you've decided\nnever to text anyone ever again...", "HOLLl: \"I've been thinking about you, too,", "\"and how weird is it that you texted me\nwhile I was in the bath?\"", "What was that?\n- What?", "You made a noise.\n- That was my phone. I got a text.", "Not that. You made your naked lady noise.", "What?\n- Whenever you see a naked lady,", "you make the noise...", "I don't do that.\n- Really?", "Oh God, sorry, Lily.", "While the men are out hunting,", "the women of New Guinea's\nindigenous Korowai tribe", "wash their clothes in the river.", "That's totally a boob.", "Is that Holli who keeps texting you?\nDidn't you promise to wait three days?", "To call, yes. Texting is totally different.", "Okay, well, just try to keep\nthe naked lady noises to a minimum.", "I don't make a naked lady noise.", "Really?", "Holli and I stayed up texting\nuntil 2:00 in the morning.", "And we spent the whole next day\ntexting each other, too.", "She seemed perfect.", "Oh wow. Holli just told me\nwhat she's wearing right now.", "It is pretty hot.", "Yeah, whatever it is,\nI can guarantee you she's not wearing it.", "She's lying to you to make you like her.\n- How do you know that?", "Mmm.", "Because no woman\nin the history of the world is ever", "\"just sitting around\nreading architecture magazines", "\"in my old cheerleader uniform. \"", "Okay, maybe she's lying\nabout the architecture magazines.", "Mmm-hmm.", "Oh, no.", "Oh, no, this is bad.\n- What?", "She just sent me a text\nthat was clearly meant for someone else.", "\"Hey, baby, I picked up some take out\nfrom Generro's. Be home soon. \"", "Okay, yes, this sounds bad,\nbut let's think about this, okay?", "It could be for a brother\nor maybe her sick dad.", "Scroll down.", "\"And then I want you\nto do me on the couch. \"", "Okay, maybe not a sick dad.", "Or a very sick dad. Am I right?", "Sorry.", "Hey, guys.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "What is this?", "Oh. It's some take out from Generro's.\nI'm bringing it home for Lily.", "That's weird. Holli just texted Ted\nsomething about take out from Generro's.", "Wait a second.", "You sons of bitches!", "What?", "You're Holli.", "So Ted hasn't been texting Holli at all?", "He's been texting you two?", "Look, we knew he'd try to call her\nbefore the three days,", "so I swiped his phone\nand I changed her number to my work cell.", "We were just gonna bust on him\nfor calling her too soon,", "but then he started texting her.", "\"Texty text\"?", "Oh Ted. Oh poor, sweet Ted. We should...", "We should tell him it's us.\n- Yeah.", "Or...", "We pretend we're Holli,\nand we're in the bath.", "Yeah, that's better.", "That was fun.", "We should tell him that it's us.\n- Yeah, we should.", "Or...", "We tell him our favorite color is red,", "and we think the \"cowboy\" look\nis very sexy.", "Yeah, that's better.", "I'm wearing them right now,\nand they do look sexy.", "He put on the boots!\n- He totally put on the boots!", "That was awesome!", "But it's time to tell him\nwho he really put those boots on for.", "Yeah. Or...", "We just took off our shirt.", "Yeah, that's better.", "You think maybe we're wearing\na black lace bra underneath?", "I don't think\nwe're wearing anything underneath.", "God, we're hot.", "Now he's only wearing the cowboy boots!", "It is on!\n- It is so on!", "Okay, tell him that we're slowly\nslipping out of our...", "What are we doing?", "I think that we're", "about to have sex with Ted.", "So you did this to him all day?\nThat's just mean.", "No! No, no,\nit was actually for his own good.", "We're protecting him from himself.\nHe really likes this girl.", "He had that look in his eye.", "Yeah, that crazy \"I'm about\nto move too fast and screw this up\" look.", "It was actually the same look he had\non his first date with you.", "We all remember how that went.\n- Yeah.", "I think I'm in love with you.\n- What?", "Yeah, well, I think I was a special case.\nThis Holli is no Robin Scherbatsky.", "And what is the deal with her hair?\nI mean, newsflash,", "they make conditioners\nthat don't leave a buildup.", "I'm so bad.", "Look, it's been a while\nsince Ted really liked someone.", "He's clearly got a lot of crazy stored up.\nWe just...", "We thought\nwe'd get him to say, \"I love you\"", "before he makes contact with this girl.", "And you can tell it's on the way.\nHe's exhibiting all the telltale signs.", "Yeah. One, he joked about getting married.", "\"You like architecture?\nWe should get married.", "\"Ha-ha. LOL. Just kidding. Question mark. \"", "Two, he made a crazy\nway-too-soon trip suggestion.", "\"I like beer, too.", "\"We should totally\ngo to Germany together.", "\"LOL. JK. LOL.\"", "And three,\nhe got way too personal way too soon.", "\"Yeah, my parents got divorced\na couple years back.", "\"It was really tough.", "\"LOL.\"", "And he clearly doesn't know\nwhat LOL means.", "Yeah, but here's the real problem.", "Ted wasn't saying, \"I love you\"\nas easily as we thought he would.", "Then we met Stan.", "Why are you making so much noise, man?", "So we explained everything to him,\nand when we were done,", "something amazing happened.", "Why don't you tell Ted\nthat just knowing he's out there", "thinking about you, caring about you,\nmakes you feel safe?", "So all your fears,\nall your yesterdays wash away,", "and only hope remains\nin the promise of his embrace.", "Wow. Go, Stan! Who is this guy?\n- He's a security guard who works nights.", "And he eats lunch at MacLaren's\nevery day.", "And he wasn't done.\n- Not by a long shot.", "You make me thank God\nfor every mistake I ever made", "because each one led me down the path\nthat brought me to you.", "That's, like, really nice, man.", "Whatever. It's okay.", "HOLLl: \"And when we finally come\ntogether, I want you to hold me. \"", "Hold me all night. Stroke my hair.", "Tell me I'm a woman\nand show me you're a man.", "Until there was only now.", "You and I and now.", "Yes!", "You want me to text that to Ted.\nI know that.", "HOLLl: \"I do not ask\nof the night explanations", "\"I wait for it and it envelops me", "\"And so you and bread and light\nAnd shadow are\"", "That's Pablo Neruda.", "I don't know\nwhat bread was doing in there,", "but that touched me here", "and here.", "Well, if Ted won't say it, I will.", "I love you.", "That's cool.", "Still nothing, huh?\n- Maybe he's not in love with us.", "How can he not be in love with us?\nWe're everything he's looking for.", "I don't get men.", "Gotta head to work.", "Will you be back?", "I'll be back when the wind\nand fates and chance bring me back.", "Which will be tomorrow.", "It's cheese steak day.", "Wow! It sounds like\nyou were all over this guy.", "Hope his girlfriend didn't get jealous.", "Did he mention a girlfriend, or...", "It was all going great,", "until Marshall sent Ted\na text meant for Lily", "and ruined everything.\n- Well, it doesn't matter, okay?", "It's over now. I gotta get going,\nbut here's what's gonna happen.", "You're going to call him right now,\ntell him what you did, and apologize.", "You got it?\n- Yes.", "Or...", "Holli explained everything.\nIt was all just a misunderstanding.", "Everything's great now.\n- Really?", "How did Holli explain her way\nout of that one?", "Well, apparently, her dumb friend Marsha\naccidentally used her phone", "to text her husband, Billy.\n- Marsha and Billy.", "No one sprained any muscles there.", "And now we are better than ever.", "Look, I know this sounds crazy,", "but I think I might actually\nbe falling for this girl.", "You're falling for Barney and Marshall.\n- What?", "They didn't believe\nthat you could wait the three days,", "so Barney changed her number\nin your phone to his work cell.", "Holli is Barney and Marshall.", "Wait, that whole time, it was them?", "So Holli wasn't in the bath?", "Or sitting by her window, looking up\nat the stars, thinking about me?", "Or lounging in her old cheerleader uniform,\nreading architecture magazines?", "Yeah. I don't think\nthey actually did those things.", "They were just at the bar.", "Right.\n- But, yeah, it was them.", "Unbelievable!\n- I know.", "So you might as well tell them\nyou're on to them.", "Yeah.", "Or...", "I text them something\nthat'll really mess with their heads.", "Oh I gotcha. Okay. How about,", "\"I haven't told any of my friends yet,\nbut I only have three months to live\"?", "Not bad. How about,\n\"I once killed a man with a shovel,", "\"and those feelings\nare creeping up again\"?", "Uh-huh. I liked that thing someone said\nbefore about having three months to live.", "How about, \"I've never told anyone this,\nbut I slept with my best friend's mom\"?", "That is good,\nbut I feel like we keep coming back", "to that three-months-to-live thing.", "Wait. I think I got it.\n- Yeah?", "He texted back!", "\"I probably shouldn't tell you this.", "\"I mean, we barely know each other.", "\"But what the hell, I'll just say it. \"", "This is it, dude.\nHere comes the \"I love you. \"", "I wish Stan were here.\n- Stan.", "Whoa!\n- What?", "\"I sometimes have gay dreams\nabout my best friend. \"", "\"I sometimes have gay dreams\nabout my best friend. \"", "Why in the world would Ted text\na girl he barely knows", "that he sometimes\nhas gay dreams about me?", "Whoa, whoa, slow your roll.", "You? He's clearly talking about me.", "Dude, it's me. I'm his best friend.\n- Okay. One, that has never been proven.", "Two, if anyone were to have gay dreams\nabout one of us, it would be me.", "I mean, look at me. Now look at you.", "A still-in-the-closet 80-year-old\nwouldn't be into that mess.", "Here's the thing, Barney.\nI'm snuggly. You're not.", "Who wouldn't want to snuggle up next\nto this business on a Sunday morning?", "Wrapped in a comforter,\nand it's raining outside,", "and there's muffins warming in the oven.\nI'm cuddly, bitch. Deal with it.", "I work out every day.", "If there is one thing we know about Ted,\nit's that he likes a nice body.", "This body would rock his world.", "Ted and I have a history.\nI know what he likes.", "There are things I could do to him\nthat would blow his mind...", "Why do we keep trying\nto have sex with Ted?", "I don't know. It's weird.", "Crazy, right?\nTed's having gay dreams about me?", "And by me, he means M-E,\nMarshall Eriksen,", "star of Ted's gay dreams.", "Who cares? So Ted has gay dreams\nabout one of you guys.", "It's not like you found out\nhe has three months to live.", "That's, like, shocking, right?", "Whoa! Take a look at this guy.\nHow's it going, best friend of 12 years?", "Well, it's kind of weird,", "but I had this crazy dream the other night.\nIt's a little embarrassing.", "You can tell us, Ted. This is a safe space.", "Yeah, your feelings\nare perfectly natural, buddy.", "Okay. Here's what happened.", "So I'm at the...", "And then I proceeded to waste\na half hour of those bastards'lives,", "telling them about this dream I had", "where I ate dinner with my top five\nfavorite architects throughout history.", "And then, at the end of the meal,", "Frank Gehry slides the check\nover to I.M. Pei, and he says,", "\"Buddy, tonight, your name is I.M. Paying. \"", "Buckminster Fuller almost did a spit take.", "And then I woke up.", "So, that's it?", "No other dreams?\nNothing confusing or erotic?", "No.", "Okay, how about this? Ted, you know how,\nat some point in the future,", "machines will rise up against us?\n- Sure.", "Okay. So the machines,\nthey've killed everybody,", "and all that's left is you,", "me,", "and Barney.", "Which one of us would you, like,", "get with?", "And why do I have to\n\"get with\" one of you?", "The machines are forcing you.", "They want to watch.\nThat's just how they get down.", "That's a tough one.\nI guess it would have to be...", "Holli.", "Robin told me what you guys did.", "That's why I made up\nthe gay dreams thing.", "Guys, this is Holli.\n- Hi.", "And I didn't wait\nyour precious three days to call her.", "I knew where she worked,\nso I tracked her down.", "Let me ask you. Did I call you too soon?\n- I love that he called me right away.", "I found it very romantic.", "And by the way,\nI don't sit around my apartment", "reading architecture magazines\nin my old cheerleader uniform.", "I do that completely naked.", "So Holli and I are going out to dinner.", "I'll meet you out front.\n- Okay.", "I'm sorry, buddy.\nWe were just trying to help you.", "And, also, it was really fun.", "I don't need your help, okay?\nI can take care of myself.", "And, yeah, maybe there are some girls", "who wouldn't like it\nthat I called them right away", "or said things too soon, but guess what?\nThose aren't the right girls for me.", "Maybe the right girl is the one\nwho loves that I do those things because...", "That's just who I am,\nand I'm not gonna change", "because of some stupid three-days rule.", "Oh! And Holli spells her name with an \"I.\"", "So I had proven\nthat the three-days rule was wrong,", "and I was out to dinner with a pretty girl.", "And until right now, I've never told anyone", "the truth about what happened\non that date.", "That's so funny! I love indie music, too.\nWe should get married.", "Ha, ha.", "Just kidding.", "Or am I?", "Just kidding again!", "That's it.\nWe're totally going to Brazil together!", "And I went to my doctor this morning,\nand he said it is all cleared up,", "so I'm good to go.", "I think I'm in love with you, Ted.", "In the end, I didn't need to wait\nthree days, but Holli really, really did.", "Like a lot of rules,\nthere are times to follow them", "and times to not. But I will tell you this.", "When I got your mother's number,\nI called her right away.", "Stan!\n- Hey, fellas.", "Stan, aren't you working?\n- Took the night off.", "That's great! We can all hang out!\n- Yeah!", "I can't. Got a date. You ready, baby?\n- Yep.", "What the...", "Wait, wait. Couldn't you guys\njust stay here and do your date with us?", "Yeah, it'll be fun!", "Look, I'm laughing!\nIt's fun here! You like magic?", "Fellas, it's time we said goodbye.", "I mean, we shared\na very special afternoon together,", "and that's something I will always cherish.\nI'll never forget you guys.", "Do you even know their names?\n- No idea. Is the tall one Ted?", "No. That's Marshall. He's married to Lily.\n- You like chicken wings?", "Oh, yeah!"], "How I Met Your Mother S04E22 Right Place Right Time": ["In May of 2009,\nI was on the verge of scoring", "my first big client\nas an independent architect.", "I was willing to do anything\nto make it happen.", "Here's what we want, son. It's real simple.", "We're opening a restaurant\ncalled Rib Town,", "and we want it to be shaped", "like a cowboy hat.", "Anything.", "A cowboy hat?", "That's brilliant. I love it!", "I mean, nothing says delicious\nlike the inside of a cowboy hat, right?", "Look, I'm telling you, I'm your guy. I...", "I think I was born to design this building.\nI just...", "I see it.", "I don't see it. I don't see it. I don't see it.", "Hey.", "What's so good about it?", "Uh-oh. Up all night?", "I told these guys\nI have a vision for this thing.", "They want to see a pitch in a week,\nand I got nothing.", "Oh, it's cute.\n- Cute?", "Yeah.\n- Robin,", "I could be designing\nconcert halls and bridges.", "Bridges so beautiful\nthey could be in museums.", "And I could design those museums.", "But what am I designing instead?\nWhat has my career come to?", "A two-story Stetson\nwith outdoor dining on the brim.", "It's a sick cosmic joke.\nThe universe is conspiring against me.", "Oh, you just need to get out of the house.\nTake a walk. Get a bagel.", "Yeah. Yeah, that'll solve everything.", "I haven't slept for 34 hours,\nbut a bagel is the answer.", "A cinnamon-raisin bagel\nwith a little cream cheese.", "Actually, that sounds pretty good.\nI'm going to get a bagel.", "Bring an umbrella. It's supposed to rain,\naccording to Galoshes, our weather clown.", "Your show has a clown\nwho does the weather?", "That's a little cheesy, don't you think?\n- Yeah.", "And what's that restaurant\nyou're designing shaped like, Hoss?", "Fine. You want me out of the house,\nI'll get out of the house.", "Uh-huh.", "Can't wait to see what the universe\nhas lined up for me out there.", "Kids, I've been telling you\nthe story of how I met your mother.", "And while there's many things\nto learn from this story,", "this may be the biggest.", "The great moments of your life\nwon't necessarily be the things you do.", "They'll also be the things\nthat happen to you.", "No, I'm not saying you can't take action\nto affect the outcome of your life.", "You have to take action, and you will.", "But never forget that, on any day,", "you could step out the front door\nand your whole life can change forever.", "You see, the universe has a plan, kids,\nand that plan is always in motion.", "A butterfly flaps its wings,", "and it starts to rain.", "It's a scary thought,\nbut it's also kind of wonderful.", "All these little parts of the machine\nconstantly working,", "making sure that you end up\nexactly where you're supposed to be,", "exactly when you're supposed\nto be there.", "The right place at the right time.", "Kids, it's a miracle\nthat I ended up on that street corner,", "especially when you consider how easy\nit would have been not to end up there.", "I mean, for instance, when I first\nstepped out of the apartment,", "I almost went right instead of left.", "Why didn't I go right?", "Well, to answer that,\nwe have to go back a few days.", "As you know, back then,\nyour Aunt Robin hosted a morning show.", "Now Eunice here\nmakes all of these purses herself.", "They are hand-embroidered\nwith the world's finest silk.", "And each one takes months to make.", "I cannot emphasize\nhow much work goes into...", "Go to weather, you idiot.", "Hey, everybody.", "We got a high-pressure system\ncoming in from the west and...", "On the plus side,\nI bought the cutest purse today.", "So, wait, why did you throw up?", "You don't want to know.\n- Come on. Tell me.", "I'm pregnant.", "I will raise this child with you.\nYou are not alone in this.", "We can even get married if you want,\nbut I'd still want to see other girls,", "so it'd have to be\none of those kinds of marriages.", "God, stop it.", "I'm not pregnant. It's food poisoning. God!", "I ate something from this place,", "and three hours later,\nI was spewing like an open hydrant.", "God. From where?\n- Well, that's a gross question.", "No, where was the food from?", "Oh.", "I don't want to tell you.\n- What?", "Ted, Ted! Go to YouTube. Put in\n\"Robin Scherbatsky, morning show, vomit. \"", "Oh, hey, Robin. Home so soon?", "Someone already put it on YouTube?\n- Yeah. Someone.", "So, why you been throwing up?\nYou pregnant?", "Yeah, Barney. I'm pregnant.", "So, wait, why won't you tell me\nwhere you got food poisoning?", "You love this place.\nIf I tell you, it'll just ruin it.", "Okay. That makes sense.\n- Yeah.", "Don't tell me.", "Is it that Indian place\nwhere the cat jumps on all the tables?", "I'm not saying.\n- That Spanish place with the baby's crib", "in the middle of the restaurant?\n- I'm not saying.", "God, no. No, no, no.", "Is it this place? Tell me, damn you!", "Fine, you really want to know?\n- Yes!", "It's Schlegel's Bagels.\n- No!", "Why did you tell me that?", "Schlegel's? Thanks a lot, Robin.", "Now I'm gonna have to try\nto find another place in New York", "that serves bagels.", "So, you see, kids, if I had gone\nto Schlegel's Bagels, as usual,", "I would have taken a right.", "I would have gotten a bagel,", "gone home,\nworked on the old hat building,", "and you kids might never have been born.", "But I turned left instead, to go\nto my second-favorite bagel place,", "and the rest is history.", "Of course, I stopped\nat that magazine stand on the way.", "Why did I stop there? Here's why.", "Yes.", "Yes!", "Bro's Life magazine.", "Page 83. Check it.", "\"What your paintball gun says\nabout your personality. \"", "Below that.", "\"That last five pounds.\nHow to get her to lose them. \"", "Above that.", "\"Petra Petrova. \"", "Petra Petrova.", "Bro's Life magazine's\nGirl of the Year for May.", "A delicate flower in stiletto pumps\nand leopard panties, straddling an ATV.", "These magazines are so lame.", "I mean, she's probably\nairbrushed and enhanced.", "I have a date with her.\n- You are my hero! Are you serious?", "How do you have a date with her?\n- Not part of the story.", "Ted, I have been waiting\na long time to say this.", "This girl is the one.", "Of course, she's the one.\nYou have to marry those.", "Her.", "Marry?", "No. I have something much,\nmuch more special in mind.", "Petra here, if all goes well,", "will be my... Wait for it... 200th.", "Sorry, I couldn't wait. It's all too exciting.", "Your 200th, as in \"sex with\"?", "As in \"sex with. \"\nI request the highest of fives.", "Not if I was wearing a HazMat suit.", "Two hundred is too many.", "Oh. Right, 'cause there can be\ntoo many of something wonderful.", "\"Hey, Babe Ruth, easy, big fella.\nLet's not hit too many homers. \"", "\"Hey, Steve Guttenberg, maybe just make\nthree Police Academy movies.", "\"America's laughed enough. \"", "Who are these girls?", "That was rhetorical.\nDon't show me the list.", "A hundred and ninety-nine\nsatisfied customers.", "Anyway, the big night is Thursday.", "I'm having a celebratory soir\u00e9e\nbeforehand at MacLaren's.", "Prepare a toast.\nBlack tie optional, but preferred.", "Gifts are, look, I would say unnecessary,\nbut follow your heart.", "Barney, 200's too many.", "It's not too many.\n- It's too many!", "It's not too many.\n- Thank you.", "No, don't get me wrong.", "You're disgusting, and the cops should\nprobably clamp a boot on your genitals,", "but that number should be higher.", "After Barney told me about all this,\nI crunched the numbers and, well,", "I had some charts made up.", "Barney here hits on\nroughly 20 girls a week.", "Whoa! It's way more than 20.\nAnd B. Smooth don't do nothing roughly.", "Let's say 20. So, 20 girls a week\nmeans 1,040 girls a year.", "In Barney's 16 years of sexual activity,", "that means he's hit on 16,640 girls.", "Now, if he's bedded 199 of them,", "that's a success rate of", "a little over one percent.", "That's a batting average of 12,", "eight times worse than\nthe career batting average", "of one-handed pitcher,\nthat's right, pitcher, Jim Abbott.", "Jealous. Jealous.", "Hero.", "Suspiciously quiet\nduring this conversation", "about number of sex partners.", "Hero.", "It's the grand total.\nThat's the only number that matters.", "Says who?\n- Matthew Panning,", "the stud of Port Richmond Middle School.", "Stinson, you're such a dweeb-o.\nI bet you never even done it with a girl.", "Neither have you.", "How many times do I have to explain this?", "I've done it with 100 girls.", "They're seventh graders\nat my cousin's school on Long Island.", "Well, you know what, Matthew?\nSomeday, I'm gonna do it with 200.", "Yeah. Call me when that happens.", "And call him I will.", "I think he's gonna say it again really slow.", "Call him", "I will.", "Hey, you listed Gaby Allan twice,\nas 78 and 162.", "What? Let me see.", "Seven... One... Oh, my God.", "Wait I... I counted the same girl twice?\nThat means I'm only at 198?", "Well, that only means that you're half\na percent less gross than we thought.", "I'm seducing a Czech supermodel\nin two hours.", "I can't squander that on 199.", "Petra has to be 200.", "Well, what are you gonna do?", "I mean, it's not like\nyou're gonna find someone new", "to have sex with in the next two hours.", "Hi, Barney Stinson, millionaire astronaut.", "Wanna come back to my place\nand see some moon shells?", "Go away.", "I just got back from my wife's grave.\nPut her in the ground a year ago today.", "Man, I miss her.\nI sure could use some comfort.", "You're creepy.", "Man, aren't you sick of all the games?\nI just want to settle down", "and have a gaggle of rug rats,\nlike, right now.", "I have Mace, and I enjoy using it.", "Marshall.", "Knowing how important this is to me,\ndo you think Lily would even consider...", "And by the way, I would do all the work...\n- I will end your life.", "Right.", "Where'd Barney go? It's been over an hour.", "You know,\nlooking over the names on this list,", "I'm not sensing a lot of ethnic diversity.", "He should really look at that in himself.", "Okay. All done.", "One hundred and ninety-nine down,\none more to go.", "Hey, you done with your drink?", "There's the stuff.", "What the hell happened to you?", "So, there's this girl at my gym, Pauline.", "She's been after me for some time.", "Why'd you wait until now?\n- She's not exactly my type.", "Looking good, Pauline.", "You are gonna rip it up", "at the Women's Pumping Iron Classic\nin Sarasota this fall.", "So, I was thinking about you and me,", "and if you're still interested...", "Okay, blondie, time for Mama's cardio.\n- Sweet Mommy!", "Every inch of her\ntasted like roast beef and creatine.", "But I did it.", "I did it, and I still have 30 minutes\nbefore I'm supposed to meet Petra.", "Robin, do you have any concealer handy?", "I'd really like to cover up\nsome bruises and razor burn.", "Barney,", "I hate to break this to you, but...\n- What?", "Well, you did count Gaby Allan twice,", "but you also went from 138 to 138.", "You used the same number twice.", "Wait, so that means", "Pauline wasn't 199, Pauline was 200?", "Congratulations!", "No! Hey, that was supposed to be Petra!\nPetra was supposed to be 200!", "Gorgeous, feminine,\ndoesn't-wear-a-weight-belt-in-bed Petra!", "Hey, come on. You made it to 200.\nYeah.", "You should be proud.", "You should be tested,\nbut you should be proud.", "Who cares if Pauline doesn't pose\nfor bikini pictures in magazines?", "Actually, she does.", "She's gonna be in next week's issue\nof Muscle Sexxy.", "And, like many of the ladies\nin that magazine,", "\"Sexxy\" has two X's and one Y.", "And so,\non my way to get a bagel,", "I stopped at a newsstand for a full minute\nto check out a picture of Barney's 200th.", "Barney!", "If I hadn't done that,\nI would've walked right by the newsstand,", "cut down 77th\nand gotten to that corner a minute early.", "I would've gotten the bagel,\ndone some work,", "and you kids might never have been born.", "Now, why did I cut down 77th\nand give a dollar to the homeless guy?", "Here's why.", "Back when Marshall first started working\nat Goliath National Bank...", "Hi.", "Fran, I don't mean to bother you,\nbut I have a big presentation tomorrow,", "and it would really help if I could get,\nlike, some charts and graphs made up.", "Could you help me with that?\n- Honey, this is the graphics department.", "We can make as many graphs,\nas many charts, in as many colors,", "on as many kinds of paper as you want.", "Oh, Fran.", "Oh, Franny, Franny, Fran.", "We are gonna have some fun.", "I ranked the presidents\nin order of how dirty their names sound.", "One, Johnson.", "Two, Bush.", "Three, Harding.", "Four, Polk.", "This circle represents\n\"People Who Are Breaking My Heart,\"", "and this circle represents", "\"People Who Are Shaking\nMy Confidence Daily. \"", "And where they overlap,", "Cecilia.", "This is a pie chart\ndescribing my favorite bars.", "And this is a bar graph\ndescribing my favorite pies.", "What's going on?", "Enough with the charts.\n- And the graphs.", "Really, any visual representation of data.", "I'm not an idiot. Okay?", "I know how you guys feel\nabout my charts and my graphs.", "As a matter of fact, I've made a chart\nof your reaction to my charts.", "Let's take a look. Yes, it is true.", "Since Cecilia, your interest in my charts\nhas been steadily dropping.", "But, based on recent trends,\nI have also made", "a projection chart!", "And look, huge spike in interest coming!", "And this isn't just some dead cat bounce.", "This is big, sustainable growth\nover the long term.", "You're a big, sustainable growth.", "Okay. So, I have prepared a few charts", "to demonstrate how setting up\na shell corporation in Bermuda", "could help minimize\nour second-quarter losses", "and save you all some jail time.", "To begin with...", "Could you just please excuse me?", "Mosbius Designs.\n- What the hell happened to my charts?", "We threw them away.\n- What?", "That's how an intervention\nworks, Marshall.", "You wouldn't stop using,\nso we flushed your stash.", "Come on, Ted! I need my charts, man!", "Just for today, and then I promise\nI will never ever use charts again.", "I'm under a lot of pressure here.\nI need my charts, Jack!", "My God, you're doing charts at work?", "They're for work, you idiot!\nI'm giving a big presentation right now,", "and if I don't have those charts,\nI'm gonna get fired!", "Oh, crap. Okay, stay right there.\nI'll bring them to you.", "Hurry up!\nI'll try to think of a way to stall them.", "Hi. Okay.", "I'm sorry, but there's been\na little delay with the charts.", "But we will get started in just a minute.", "Fish are weird, right?", "I mean, what's up with fish?", "Charts! Get your charts here!", "Oh! Excuse me, Milt.\nI think those are my charts.", "These charts?\n- Yeah.", "On my blanket?", "That's also my blanket.\nWe'll get to that later.", "But I really need these charts.\n- Oh good, 'cause they're for sale.", "Fine, how much?", "One million dollars.", "I'll give you five bucks.\n- A million dollars.", "No one's gonna pay\na million dollars for these charts.", "One million dollars.", "Okay, Milt, you win.", "I'm gonna give you one million dollars.", "Urinating...", "The problem is, the ATM...", "The alien time machine.", "The alien time machine\nhas a withdrawal limit.", "So, here's what I'm gonna do.\nI'm gonna give you one dollar a day,", "for a million days.", "That's...", "That's 2,700 years.\n- Yeah.", "Deal!", "Okay.", "Sucker.", "I'm sorry, is there a land bass\nI don't know about?", "Let's get started.", "And so, if I hadn't\nbought those charts back for Marshall,", "I wouldn't have had to cut down 77th\nto give Milt his daily dollar", "and, well, you know the rest.", "Thank you.", "So, there you have it, kids.", "There's a lot of little reasons\nwhy the big things in our lives happen.", "If I had known then where\nall those little things were leading me,", "and how grateful I'd be to get there,", "well, I probably would've done something", "like this.", "Hey, hey, glad girls\nonly want to get you high", "Hey, hey, glad girls\nonly want to get you high", "Hey, hey, glad girls\nonly want to get you high", "And they're all right\nAnd they're all right", "And they're all right\nAnd they're all right", "Glad girls only want to get you high", "And they're all right\nAnd they're all right", "Because, somehow, I ended up\nin the right place at the right time.", "And, as a result,\nmy life would never be the same.", "The next day, Uncle Barney\nfinally confronted Matthew Panning,", "the stud of Port Richmond Middle School.", "So, Barney, great to hear from you\nafter all this time.", "What's been going on?\n- I've had sex with 200 women.", "Oh God! That's way too many.", "I mean, that's just gross.", "Have you sought counseling\nfor sex addiction?", "Because you're a prime candidate.", "Have you sought counseling\nfor I win-you lose?", "Yeah, suddenly those 100 girls\nyou nailed in the seventh grade", "aren't so impressive.", "A hundred girls?\nIs that what this is about?", "Barney, I lied.\n- Sure you did.", "I was 12. Of course I was lying.", "I didn't have a pet Ewok, either.", "Sure you didn't.", "Your whole adult life has been built around", "something I lied about when I was 12?", "Jealous?", "Look, I gotta go pick my kids up at school.", "It sounds like you got a lot of problems.", "Good luck, I guess.", "I'm awesome.", "Okay, 200.", "Now what?"], "How I Met Your Mother S04E23 As Fast as She Can": ["Kids,\nStella Zinman was the girl", "I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.", "Until she left me at the altar,\nsmashing my heart to smithereens.", "So when I ran into her seven months later,\nthere was only one way to deal with her.", "Stella!", "Great to see you!\n- You, too.", "And Tony!", "Hey.\n- Hey! What a nice surprise.", "\"What a nice surprise\"?", "No, a nice surprise would be if a safe fell\nfrom 40 stories and smushed them both.", "I mean, you didn't let them have it?", "No, we had a nice friendly chat,\nthen they went their way and I went mine.", "Ted, you blew it. He blew it, right?", "Well played, sir.\n- Bravo.", "What?\n- You see, Robin, Ted played it cool,", "which is exactly what\nhe should have done.", "As a matter of fact,\nI'd say on a scale ranging from...", "And I kept this sweater of yours", "and sometimes I just sit in the bathtub\nfor hours just, you know, just sniffing it.", "...all the way to...", "This is my new fianc\u00e9e.\nShe's basically Stella,", "except she's French and,\nas you can see, she's got enormous cans.", "I'd say you nailed it.", "I'll do you one better.\nYou, sir, got Stella thinking.", "\"Gosh, Ted seemed so cool today.\nDid I choose the wrong guy?\"", "Give it a week, you'll get her back.", "And her front.", "Did you just feel that?\nI think we just had a \"what up\" quake.", "I don't want her back. Or her front.\nI just want to move on.", "And this was an important step\ntowards that. To moving on.", "And, you know, I really meant it.", "But still, that night,\nmy mind began to wander.", "I made a terrible mistake.\n- I know.", "I'm a better person than you are.\n- You totally are.", "Let's get back together\nand have way more sex than before.", "Deal!", "Hello, Ted.", "No, come in. It's not weird at all.", "Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted, Ted.", "I knew it was wrong to\nsteal somebody's fianc\u00e9e.", "I mean, I grappled with it. I was up nights.\nAnd not for the good reason.", "Well, sometimes for the good reason.", "I mean, Stella and I hadn't\nseen each other in five years,", "so, as you can imagine, the beginning,\nit was just fast and furious.", "Lamps breaking, furniture moving.", "You see this bald patch?\n- Yeah, Tony...", "Anyway, we moved on.", "Me, Lucy, Stella,\nwe were gonna move to LA.", "I was gonna become a screenwriter.", "Then we bumped into you,\nand you just looked so sad.", "Sad? No. I...", "I think what you're calling sad\nwas actually a jovial nonchalance.", "Ted, you looked awful, okay?", "Like a little dachshund puppy\nwith a bad back", "that's got to pull itself around on a cart.", "Why are you here?", "Look, Ted,\nI know I can come across pretty tough,", "but I can't bear to have hurt\nsomeone the way I hurt you.", "I think fate put me on that corner\nto make this right.", "Obviously, I can't fill that giant crater\nthat Stella left in your heart.", "I've been dating. Like, a lot.", "And then I heard you got fired.", "I transitioned\ninto small business ownership.", "It's the backbone of the economy.\n- No, it's not.", "Ted, my family's got a lot of money.", "And I want to use that money\nto make this right with you.", "Tony is rich? Oh, Ted.", "Oh, Ted, tell me he wrote you a check.", "Tell me he wrote you a big, fat check.", "A check so big it doesn't take\nits shirt off when it goes swimming.", "That is a big, fat check.", "A check so big, if you had sex with it,\nyou wouldn't tell your buddies.", "That is a big, fat check.", "A check so big that when you sit next to it\non an airplane, you find yourself wondering", "whether the check should\nhave bought two seats.", "That...\n- Is a big, fat check!", "Yeah! He didn't write me a check.", "Ted, I want to offer you a job.\n- A job?", "Every year, my family gives a lot of money\nto Columbia University, so I got some pull.", "How would you like to design...", "My heart leapt into my throat.\nA new library? A new student center?", "...your very own curriculum\nas a professor of architecture.", "No, thanks.", "What do you mean, \"No, thanks\"?", "Ted, you would be a great professor, okay?", "You are knowledgeable,\nyou're a good talker,", "and when you need to,", "you can grow a very handsome neck beard.", "I'm not gonna be a professor.", "Teaching architecture is what you do", "when your career has totally bottomed out\nand you need to pay the bills.", "Hey, hey, hey! Small business owner.\nBackbone of the economy.", "I'm not gonna take that job, all right?\nI'm gonna be just fine.", "New topic.\n- Okay, new topic.", "I just got a $200 speeding ticket today.", "That sucks, dude.\nYou couldn't talk your way out of it?", "You can't talk your way out of a ticket.\n- I've done it.", "It was... What was it? It was 1998.", "So where's the fire?\n- There's no fire.", "Actually, you know, there is a fire\nat this barbecue I'm headed to.", "Nothing special. Burgers, ribs, brats.", "Son, do you have any idea\nhow dangerous it is to be...", "Did you say brats?\n- Yeah, brats.", "My mom marinates them in Belgian beer\nfor two days. No big.", "Funny thing was, I could've\nsworn that one of those thick, succulent,", "hickory-smoked brats\nhad some writing on it.", "Weird. Anyways, what were you saying?", "What... What did it say? The brat?", "It said, \"Property of Minnesota\nState Trooper Jorgensen. \"", "You a...\nYou a brat man, Officer Jorgensen?", "You going to this address?\n- Mmm-hmm.", "Follow me and lean on the horn.\nWe're gonna be running some reds.", "Well, duh. I would've done that, too,\nif I'd have been going to a barbecue.", "Damn, I was.", "See, it's all about sizing up your opponent.", "I could tell that the officer was a brat man,\nbecause, well, he was out of breath", "just from walking to my car\nand he had mustard on his holster.", "Marshall Eriksen!", "Manipulating an officer of the law\nwith your sausage.", "That is very hot.", "You think I can't talk\nmy way out of a ticket?", "You think I can't\ntalk my way out of a ticket?", "I am Barney Stinson,\nmaster of manipulation.", "If I can talk a stripper\ninto paying me for a lap dance,", "I think I can talk my way out of a ticket.", "Challenge accep... Wait for it.", "What? I don't get it.", "Oh, \"Ted. \" \"Accep-Ted. \"", "I get it now.", "What now?\n- You want to be an architect? Great.", "Guy I went to private school with\nwants a new house built.", "Job's yours if you want it.", "Tony, look, I don't need your help.", "Here's what he's offering you.", "That is a big, fat check.", "Showtime.", "License and registration.", "Oh. Of course, Officer. Right away.", "Sir, this is a gift certificate\nfor a custom-tailored Italian suit.", "So, we done here?", "$375!", "And he kept the gift certificate.\n- Oh, man.", "I'm gonna call Emilio and tell him\nto short-sheet him on the crotch.", "You are bad at this, dude.", "Whatever, Robin.", "Like you've ever talked your way\nout of a ticket.", "Are you kidding me? Robin's a pretty girl.\nPretty girls don't get tickets.", "I bet Robin's been pulled over tons\nof times, never once gotten a ticket.", "That is outrageous!", "And factual.", "License and...", "Oh, honey. Oh, no, no, no, don't cry.", "It's okay. No ticket for you.", "Just go a little slower next time, okay?", "Uh-huh. Yeah.\n- Okay.", "Thank you.", "Yeah!", "Excuse me.\nI think I left something in New Jersey.", "Hey! How did your lunch go\nwith the rich guy?", "Well, it started off great.", "I want to design a house that celebrates\nthe landscape without overpowering it.", "You know, when Frank Lloyd Wright\ndesigned Fallingwater in 1935, there's...", "Yes, yes, that's all fine.\nI'm sure you'll do a great job.", "What I'm really worried about\nis the basement.", "Specifically, the laundry room.\n- The laundry room?", "I require a laundry room\nof 15 feet by 15 feet,", "stain-proof ceramic tile\nfrom floor to ceiling.", "I'm a man who likes to do his own laundry,\nand sometimes, it gets messy.", "Messy?\n- Messy.", "Steel chains will dangle from the ceiling\nat a height of 9 feet.", "And that is where my laundry bags\nwill hang for three days and three nights", "before I clean them.", "Ted, it... It kind of sounds like\nwhat this guy is asking you to design...", "It's a murder house.\n- It is. It's totally a murder house.", "You know, as a martial artist,\nI'm trained to trust my instincts,", "and my instincts are saying\nthis feels very good.", "The steak is so rare.", "Right? Right?", "One final concern, soundproofing.", "I tend to make a lot of racket\nwhen I launder.", "I'll show you what I mean.", "I'm gonna go to my laundry room,\nand you tell me if you can hear me.", "Tony, does something feel off\nabout this guy?", "Yeah.", "Off the hook! Bro, you are nailing this.", "Ted, you can't design a murder house!", "I'm not gonna design a murder house.", "Ted, you can't design a murder house!\n- I'm not gonna design a murder house!", "Bring it.", "Officer, please, my wife is about\nto have a baby! Her water just broke!", "Where's your wife?", "She took the other car.\nThis is Italian leather, so...", "I... Come...", "I'm sorry about that murder house thing.", "That was my bad. That's on me.\nSo, new plan.", "You, my friend, are gonna build\nthe Statue of Liberty a husband.", "Now, I got some suction down at City Hall.", "Tony, stop it!", "I don't want your help, okay?\nYou don't have to do this.", "Yes, I do.\n- Why?", "Because.", "When you were with Stella,\nI know how much I missed her.", "I can only imagine you feel the same way.", "Okay, well, let me put your mind at ease.", "I don't want Stella back, okay?\nShe lied to me and left me at the altar.", "What kind of person does that?\nI'm better off without her.", "She's all yours, buddy.", "There you go. Load off my mind.", "And that was it. Tony left,", "and I began to put this\nwhole business far behind me.", "Or so I thought.", "Stella.", "Tony broke up with me.", "Wow. Okay, Tony broke up with you?", "He said it was because\nof something you said.", "You got Tony to dump Stella?", "I am very sorry, but I'm going\nto have to insist that you bump this.", "Let's... Let's talk out in the hall.", "I'll be waiting.", "So, why are you here?", "Look, Ted, this is about\nseven months too late, but here goes.", "I've been in love with Tony\nsince high school.", "We dated for a long time,", "but then I got pregnant,\nand I guess for two 19-year-olds,", "it was just too much to handle,\nso we broke up.", "And for a long time,\nI just focused on being a mother.", "I forgot about Tony. I forgot about", "the very idea of being in love.", "And then you came along\nand reminded me.", "And I loved you for that.", "I loved you so much, in fact,\nthat it was just shy of enough.", "But I never stopped loving Tony.", "Take him back, honey. He's sorry.", "No, that's... That's not...\nThat's not what's happening.", "Just go back inside, Mrs. Matsen.", "It was good seeing you, Stella.", "Can you talk to Tony?", "What?\n- He'd listen to you.", "I mean, you changed his mind.\nYou could change it back.", "I know it's an awful thing to ask...\n- Yeah, it's an awful thing to ask.", "Well, I don't know what else to do, okay?\nI love him.", "Oh, you love him. So, what? You're...\nYou're appealing to the romantic in me?", "Is that your strategy?", "Because that guy's gone.\nYou can't pull those strings anymore.", "They're not attached to anything,\nthanks to you.", "Go ahead, honey, kiss him.", "Go inside, Mrs. Matsen!\n- Mrs. Matsen, go inside!", "Okay, you can do this. You can do this!", "Oh, you can do this.", "License and...\n- License and registration.", "Excuse me?", "I can only assume you need a license\nto have a face that beautiful.", "And that body?", "I'm guessing something that explosive\nhas to be registered", "with the proper authorities.", "Get out of the car.\n- Why? Am I under arrest?", "No.", "But you're about to be under me.", "No. False. Did not happen.", "That's a line from a porno.\nI've seen that porno.", "Hell, I've made that porno.", "When will you guys realize\nthat the only difference", "between my real life and a porno\nis my real life has better lighting?", "You're lying.\n- I am not lying!", "I swear on my mother.", "I swear on Goliath National Bank.", "I swear on my suits.", "I am not lying.", "He was lying.\nHere's what really happened.", "Go ahead, honey, kiss him.", "Go inside, Mrs. Matsen!\n- Mrs. Matsen, go inside!", "Is there anything\nI can do to make this better?", "No.", "Hello.\n- Ted, it's me! It's Barney.", "It's me!\nI need your help and I'm in big trouble!", "Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.\nWhat happened?", "I'm guessing something that explosive\nhas to be registered", "with the proper authorities.", "Get out of the car.\n- Why? Am I under arrest?", "Yes, you are. I ran your plates.", "You've had 15 moving violations\nin the last three days. Get out of the car.", "But, no, my wife's having a baby!\nI have a sausage with your name on it!", "Out of the car now!", "I need you to come to Brazzaville,\nNew Jersey and bail me out.", "I'm kind of in the middle of something.", "Hurry, Ted. You have no idea of the kind\nof the hardened criminals", "they've got me in here with.", "Are we gonna get our spray paint back?", "Save me, Ted!", "You want to do something for me?\nI need a ride to New Jersey.", "Okay. You'll pay for tolls, right?", "I'm kidding.", "So Stella and I drove\nall the way out to New Jersey,", "bailed your Uncle Barney out of jail\nand drove all the way home.", "Oh, by the way, Ted,\nhow's that girl you've been seeing?", "That super hot French chick\nwith the big enormous boobs?", "Oh, you mean Claudette?\nYeah, she's... She's fine.", "Man, she's the hottest girl\nyou have ever been with, Ted.", "Ever! Bye, Stella.", "Bye.", "Ted, I'm so sorry again about everything.", "For what it's worth...\n- I'll talk to Tony.", "Really?", "I want you to be happy, Stella.\nI'll talk to him.", "And I did.", "I don't remember what I said to him,\nbut I guess I changed his mind,", "because the next day,\nthey flew to California.", "Stella set up a new dermatology practice.", "And against all odds, Tony found\nsome success as a screenwriter.", "His movie, The Wedding Bride,\nwas a big hit.", "But we'll get to that later.", "Okay, but just tell me this. Why Tony?", "I mean, is it the money,\nthe kung fu pajamas?", "Like, what... What is it?", "He's the one.", "The one.", "Yeah, I know it's kind of sappy, but, yeah.", "Okay, I'm gonna say something out loud", "that I've been doing a pretty good job\nof not saying out loud lately.", "What you and Tony have,", "what I thought for a second you and I had,", "what I know that Marshall and Lily have,", "I want that. I do.", "I keep waiting for it to happen\nand waiting for it to happen, and...", "I guess I'm just...", "I'm tired of waiting.", "And that is all I'm going to say\non that subject.", "You know, I once talked my way\nout of a speeding ticket.", "Really?", "I was heading upstate\nto my parents' house", "doing, like, 90 on this country road,\nand I got pulled over.", "So this cop gets out of his car.", "He kind of swaggers on over and he's, like,", "\"Young lady, I have been\nwaiting for you all day. \"", "So I looked up at him and I said,\n\"I'm so sorry, Officer.", "\"I got here as fast as I could. \"", "For real?", "No. It's an old joke.", "I know that you're tired of waiting,", "and you may have to wait\na little while more,", "but she's on her way, Ted.", "And she's getting here as fast as she can.", "Bye, Stella.", "Goodbye, Ted.", "She tracked me down two days later\nusing a phone book.", "And that's the last time I wrote\nmy name in my undergarments.", "Hey.", "Hey, Lily!\n- Lily!", "You're back!", "Barney, when you told me\nthat peanut butter and jam joke,", "I was completely disgusted.", "But I was in the shower this morning\nand it popped into my head", "and it actually made me laugh.\nPeanut butter.", "So I can see now\nhow I may have overreacted.", "Marshall's words, not mine.", "Well, it's good to see you again, Lily.\n- Thanks.", "So what have you been up to?", "I'm going to an amnesia ward\nwith a bunch of photos of my \"children\"", "and a wedding ring.", "I'm gonna find the hottest patient/my wife,\nand we are going...", "Okay, so that's good enough for tonight.\nI gotta ease back into this.", "See you tomorrow!"], "How I Met Your Mother S04E24 The Leap": ["Every architect can point to that one\ndesign that changed their career.", "For me, it was around the time\nof my 31st birthday.", "It wasn't a museum or a concert hall\nor a skyscraper.", "It was something else.", "We're opening a restaurant called\nRib Town, and we want it to be shaped...", "Like a cowboy hat.", "Look, I need the work.\nI don't have any other options.", "There's always that teaching job.\n- Yeah,", "I didn't work this hard to be stuck\nin some crappy, dead-end teaching job.", "No offense, Lily.\n- I got peed on three times today.", "No arguments here.", "I just gotta nail this hat building so,\nI'll see you all in three days.", "For the next three days, I worked harder\nthan I'd ever worked in my life.", "And I got... nowhere.", "Hey, Ted, whatcha doing?", "Designing a building shaped\nlike a hat.", "Now a good time to chat?\n- No.", "So, what do you think of Robin?\n- I really need to get to work, so...", "Great.\nSay you and I went suit-shopping,", "and you happened upon\na beautiful suit,", "a beautiful Canadian suit.", "Double-breasted.", "You try it on, but it's not exactly\nthe right fit for you.", "So, you put it back.\nThen I try it on.", "I don't really want", "to take the same suit that you had\nyour eye on, but at the same time,", "I really like that suit.", "Buy the suit, Barney.\nYou clearly care about it.", "Tell the suit how you feel.", "But Ted, rember that\nthat was your answer because...", "The suit is Robin.", "I know!", "Right?", "I'm with you, buddy.", "You are now.", "Because I explained it to you.\n- What do you talk...", "Sync by vNaru", "Come on, dude, you've been at this\nfor three days without a break.", "It's your birthday. Come up to the roof\nand have a beer with me.", "No can do.\nPresentation is tomorrow.", "Hat buildings\ndon't design themselves.", "It's a rib joint for fat tourists.", "Just make sure the doors are wide\nand the chairs are reinforced.", "Now, birthday beer on the roof.\nLet's go!", "Why do you want me to come up\nto the roof so bad?", "Are you throwing me a surprise party?\n- What?", "Ted, we threw you\na surprise party last year.", "Okay, you don't get\ntwo surprise parties in a row.", "The fact that anyone showed up\nat the first one was surprise enough.", "Right?\nTwo surprise parties in a row!", "That is rich!", "That is rich!", "Classic!", "Classic...\nHe still won't come up.", "Come on. What the crap?!", "I knew having a second surprise party\nwas a bad idea.", "Yes, Robin, I know.\nThis party is...", "it's... it's a disaster.", "It was my idea.\nI take responsibility.", "And there's really only one thing\nto do about it.", "Marshall, no.\n- Lily, I have to do this!", "No point in putting it off\nany longer.", "I should explain.\nYou see, a few years earlier...", "Forget it.\nThis is so not pimped out.", "If anything, this is pimped in.", "You know who knows how to live?\nThose people.", "The rooftop patio\none building over from ours.", "Across a chasm of just six or seven feet\nawaited a landscaped paradise.", "And best of all...", "That looks to be one...", "... hot...", "tub.", "Great. How do we get over there?", "What are we gonna do? Jump?", "I can jump that far.", "Marshall, lately it takes you\ntwo tries to get off the sofa.", "You can't jump that far.", "Really?\n- Really.", "Watch me.", "But he didn't jump.", "This actually is kind of nice.", "Right? Right?", "And in the years that followed,\nhe kept almost jumping.", "But each time, without fail...", "Here we go.", "He didn't jump.", "But don't worry.\n'Cause if I can make this jump tonight,", "it's totally gonna save the party.", "Honey, please get down from there.", "When Evel Knievel sat astride\nhis star-spangled rocket", "on the rim of Snake River Canyon,", "do you think his wife said,\n\"Honey, get down from there\"?", "For the last time,\nI am not Linda Knievel!", "I will never be Linda Knievel!", "You don't need to remind me.", "Marshall, please don't do this.\nPlease don't jump.", "I'm sorry, Lily,\nbut I gotta do this.", "You can't do this.\n- Why?", "You want a reason?", "I'll give you a reason.", "I'm pregnant.", "Oh, my God!", "Oh, my God, really?!", "Lily, I mean, I noticed\nthat you gained some weight lately...", "I was lying, you jerk!", "Go ahead and jump.\nI hope you die!", "That's all the permission I need.", "Listen, Robin...", "There's something I have to tell you.\n- But wait.", "Before you do,\nI have to tell you something first.", "What is it?", "I think I'm in love with you.", "It's Ted.\nEverybody!", "Hey, Ted, what's up?\n- It's here, Lily.", "It's looking at me.", "What is?\n- The goat.", "Now, I've told you some of the story\nof the goat already.", "How Aunt Lily invited a local farmer\nto come talk to her class,", "and how he brought a goat,", "and how he told the whole class\nwhat he was gonna do", "to the goat later that day.", "And how Aunt Lily,\nin a fit of mercy,", "bought the goat off the guy\nin order to commute its sentence.", "Something amazing has happened.", "I was talking to Robin,\nI was all set to tell her how I feel,", "but before I could,\nyou'll never believe what she said.", "I think I'm in love with you.", "What did you say?!\n- What do you think I said?", "What would anyone say\nto something like that?", "Robin, listen.", "You're great.", "I mean, you're really awesome,\nbut I mean, we're friends.", "It's probably a bad idea.", "I guess you're right.", "Have a good party.", "You too, kiddo.", "What?!\n- It's like, as soon as she said that,", "no more feelings.\nI'm not in love with her anymore.", "So, you've been in love with this girl\nfor the past year,", "and the second\nshe reciprocates those feelings,", "just like that, you're over her.", "How great is that?!", "This is a washcloth.", "Not food.", "What the...?", "This is it.", "Here...", "we... go!", "This is it.", "Tracey, Tracey,\ntell Lily what you just told me.", "That I just moved to New York?\n- No, no, but tell her how you got here.", "I just got off the bus from Iowa.", "I just got off the bus from Iowa!", "How lucky is it that an aspiring", "dancer", "just off the bus from Iowa runs into", "the producer of the Rockettes?", "I feel like I'm in one of those\nclassic show biz stories.", "Honey, you are.\nYou really are.", "Tracey, why don't you make me\none of those rum and beers", "that your dad loves so much?\n- Sure thing!", "Damn it.\n- What?", "Everybody always says,\n\"Don't tell Lily.\"", "\"Lily can't keep a secret.\"\nAnd, usually, they're right.", "But this time, I kept the secret.", "And then you come along\nwith this crap", "and you force me to pull\nan old classic Lily and spill the beans!", "What beans?\nThere's beans?", "There's beans.", "The suit is Robin.", "I know!", "Right?", "I'm with you, buddy.", "You are now.", "Because I explained it to you.\n- What do you talk...", "There you go.", "Crap.", "He said that?\n- Oh, my God!", "What a tremendous\nground-breaking surprise!", "How long have you known?\n- 8 months.", "And you've kept it a secret since then?\nGood for you.", "Good for you, Lily.", "I mean, what a bombshell.\nWho saw that coming?", "How long have you known?\n- Seven months, 29 days.", "God, what am I going to do?", "I don't know.", "What are you going to do?", "I'm going to marry Barney\nin a big church wedding.", "We're going to move\nto some sleepy New Hampshire town", "and open a bed-and-breakfast.", "Really?\n- No!", "It's Barney.", "I mean...", "it's Barney.", "But it's Barney.", "I got to tell him no.", "Oh, man, you're going\nto break his...", "Whatever it is that pumps\nthat black sludge through his veins.", "Crap. You're right.", "The first time Barney\nexpresses feelings for a girl", "and she rejects him?", "And not just any girl. I mean...", "It will destroy him.", "Okay, well, first of all...", "Second of all,\nthere is a maneuver you can try.", "It's high-risk,\nbut it's also high-reward.", "For lack of a better term,\nI'm going to call it...", "The Mosby.\n- The Mosby?", "No, she couldn't Mosby him.", "She could Mosby the crap out of him.\n- What's the Mosby?", "Robin, you remember\nyour first date with Ted?", "You wanted to hop on the T-train\nand take a ride downtown.", "I was ready to jump that turnstile.", "What changed all that?", "I think I'm in love with you.", "What?", "The Mosby!", "That is genius.\n- Thank you.", "And...", "excuse me.", "I mean, you're very pretty,\nbut you're freakishly tall,", "and you don't believe in ghosts.", "So, when she said she thinks\nshe's in love with me,", "she meant the opposite.", "Exactly.", "And look how well it worked.\nYou're back to normal.", "Yes. Yes, I am.", "And it is great.\nIt's awesome.", "So, Robin's not in love with me.\n- Nope.", "Why not?", "Mr. Goat?", "Mr. Goat?", "That's it.", "Stupid goat.", "I do not understand your\nfascination with this washcloth.", "I guess that's what happens\nwhen you have a brain the size of a...", "Marshall, can you just go get Ted?", "Lily, I was just about to jump.", "Didn't you hear me saying \"Okay\"\nover and over again?", "Oh, I'm sorry.\nGo ahead and jump.", "No, it's fine.", "Sorry, everybody.", "Lily won't let me jump.", "Thank God.", "Hospital!", "What happened exactly?", "What happened is\nyou let a freaking wild animal", "into our apartment.", "I was savaged.", "That is the sweetest, cutest\nlittle goat in the whole world.", "Sweetest, cutest little goat\nin the whole world?", "I was pretty sleep-deprived\nat this point,", "so this probably isn't\nhow it really happened,", "but here's how I rember it.", "So, you're the guy who tried\nto make it with a goat?", "If anything, that goat\ntried to make it with me.", "Can I go, please?\n- Sure, you can go.", "But remember, buddy,\n\"baa\" means \"baa.\"", "Great. Great. Now I'm going to be late\nfor my presentation.", "Thanks a lot, Mr. Goat.", "Mr. Goat? Ted, that goat's a girl.", "Her name's Missy.\n- You got beat up by a girl.", "So.", "You're in love with me.\n- What? Yeah. Very much.", "Okay, you can knock it off.\nLily told me.", "Damn it.", "I can't believe you would do that.", "It's just...", "Like, I care about you, Barney.", "And...", "This kind of stuff,\nthe emotional stuff?", "It's not your thing.\nI thought I'd save you the trouble.", "Maybe I don't want\nto be saved the trouble.", "Maybe I want the trouble.", "I haven't wanted the trouble\nin a long time.", "But with you, the trouble\ndoesn't seem so...", "troubling.", "I don't know.\nI thought...", "I guess I thought\nyou felt the same way.", "Maybe I do.", "I don't know.", "I'm not exactly the biggest\nconfronter of feelings.", "I mean, clearly, there's\nsomething between us.", "Maybe my head was saying,\n\"Nip it in the bud\"", "because my heart was...", "saying something else.", "Look...", "I have feelings for you, Barney.", "Maybe I even love you.", "This is going pretty fast,\ndon't you think?", "What?\n- We have a good friendship going.", "Why screw up a good thing?", "Friends?", "Friends.", "My God. You just did it again.\nYou just Mosby'd me.", "I did not.\n- You did. You little minx.", "Okay, you're right.\nI did just Mosby you.", "Why are you so afraid\nof giving this a chance?", "Because I am scared\nof how much I like you.", "This is a bad idea.", "You're right.\nThis is a mistake.", "Yes. No.\n- I love you.", "Let's be friends.\n- Friends, then.", "I love you.\n- Let's get married.", "No, you're smothering me.\n- Okay, forget it.", "You know what?\nWe can sort this out later.", "That sounds good.\n- That sounds good. Let's go.", "It had been a long and crazy night,", "but that morning, against all odds,", "I made it to my presentation.", "Here you have it, gentlemen.", "Rib Town.", "Right?", "Right?", "Ted, listen. You're great,", "and you've done a real...", "special job here,", "and you're going to make\nsome other restaurant", "very happy someday,", "but...", "we have...", "decided to go...", "another direction here.", "What?", "Feast your eyes on...", "Rib Town!", "Sven.", "I'll tell you one thing.\nI'm never eating ribs again.", "Yeah, right.", "I am never...", "eating ribs...", "again!", "In front of Ted!", "This is a disaster.", "How am I going\nto come back from this?", "Okay, I'm just going to ask this.", "Do you really want\nto come back from this?", "What's that supposed to mean?\n- Architecture is killing you, Ted,", "and it's killing us to watch it\nkilling you.", "You're like that goat\nwith the washcloth.", "You want it so bad,", "and every time the world tries\nto take it away from you,", "you keep grabbing it.", "But you know what?", "It's just a washcloth.\nWhy do you even want it?", "Because I have to be an architect.", "That's...", "That's the plan.", "Screw the plan.\nI planned on being a famous artist.", "Marshall planned on being\nan environmental lawyer.", "Robin planned on\nbeing a TV reporter.", "I am a TV reporter.", "I'm on every morning at 4:00 a.m.", "Is that still on?", "Good for you.", "Somebody watch it, please.", "Barney planned on being a violinist.", "Don't tell me things.", "You can't design your life\nlike a building.", "It doesn't work that way.", "You just have to live it,\nand it will design itself.", "So, what, I should just do nothing?", "Listen to what the world\nis telling you to do", "and take the leap.", "You're right.", "You're absolutely right.", "I love you, Lily.", "Metaphorical leap.", "Metaphorical leap!", "Not cool.\n- Don't do it.", "Not cool.", "I did it!\n- Baby, you did it.", "I can do anything!\n- Yes, you can.", "I'm getting a motorcycle!", "You absolutely are not!", "Okay, sorry.\nGuys, come on over.", "That was the year\nI got left at the altar.", "It was the year I got knocked out\nby a crazy bartender.", "The year I got fired.", "The year I got beat up by a goat.", "A girl goat, at that.", "And damn it if it wasn't\nthe best year of my life.", "Because, if any one of those things\nhadn't happened,", "I never would have ended up and turned\nout to be the best job I ever had.", "But more importantly,", "I wouldn't have met your mother,", "because, as you know...", "she was in that class.", "Of course, that story\nis only just beginning."], "How I Met Your Mother S05E01 Definitions": ["Kids, on my first day as a college professor,", "there were two things I didn't know", "that I wish did.", "The first thing was that your\nmother was in that classroom.", "The second thing?", "Well, to explain that, we have to go back", "to the beginning of the summer,", "when, after a year of wrestling", "with their feelings for each other,", "Barney and Robin finally, well...", "Whoo!\nLily, volume.", "Use your indoor \"whoo.\"", "Sorry, whoo!", "It's just they kissed!", "They're finally a couple.", "Oh, my God, you guys!", "This is our first double date!", "First of millions!", "What if our kids get married?!", "Oh, I love this!", "Yeah... Lily, listen.", "Barney's awesome.", "Robin's more than just awe-\"some.\"", "She's awe-\"quite a bit.\"", "She's awe-\"a whole darn lot.\"", "Wait, what are you saying?", "We're just not feeling it right now.", "But we'll totally still be friends.\nOh, yeah.", "Is it something I did?", "Oh, no, no, no, no, God, no.\nNo, no, no.", "Uh-uh. Lily, it's not you.", "It's us.\nYeah.", "It's us.", "You understand, right?", "Sure, of course.", "As long as you're happy, I'm happy.", "We were gonna take cooking lessons together", "and we were gonna go on camping trips together", "and then we were gonna sit around telling funny stories", "about our cooking lessons and our camping trips.", "I know, I know.", "So, has the boat sailed on sex tonight or...", "After that, the summer went by way too fast.", "Until all of a sudden, it was the Friday", "before my first day as a college professor.", "Whoa, what's this?\nOh, boy.", "It's just a little something that we got for you", "that used to belong to my\nfavorite professor of all time.", "A fedora.", "I'm Indiana Jones!", "I'm Indiana Jones!", "That, my friend, is the Dominator 8000,", "the best bullwhip on the market,\naccording to my whip guy.", "Yeah, I have a whip guy.", "You know what we should do? We should...", "Finish our drinks, go out in the alley, and whip stuff.", "God, you just get me.", "Okay, I should get going. I got a date.", "Oh, are you still seeing that guy?", "Uh, even better, seeing him naked.", "What! Oh!", "I should go, too.", "I hooked up with this Chinese girl last night,", "and I don't know, it's weird.\nI already feel like seconds.", "Okay, Ted, you got first whip!", "All right.", "Hey, dummy.", "What did tell you about smoking in here?", "Make him whip the habit!", "I'm so excited about this whip!", "I got whip fever!", "Just whip him, Ted!", "Don't even aim!", "Just whip him!", "I am so sorry.", "No, it's just the whip's not a toy, Ted.", "There's such a thing as common sense, you know.", "Hey, you can whip me if you want.", "I will, some other time.", "Whoo!", "How I Met Your Mother", "S05E01\nDefinitions ", "So, how long has this been going on?", "All summer.", "I knew it!", "I knew it! I knew it!", "You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend.", "Whoa, hey.\nWhoa.", "Wow, no.\nWhoa...", "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lily.\nGirlfriend?", "Slow your roll there, Lilypad.\nYeah, yeah.", "You've been together all summer. I don't get it.", "Okay, it's like this.", "After we kissed, we sat down to have the talk.", "We should figure out what this is.", "Yes, we should.", "Or.", "Or...", "Okay, now, we have to figure this out.", "Yes, we do.", "Or. Or...", "Whoa!", "We kept trying to have the talk", "and then we realized we hate the talk.", "Yeah, the talk sucks.", "You have to, like, talk.", "And be all,\"I don't know.", "It's not that I don't like you.", "it's just that I haven't had a girlfriend", "in a really long time.", "I hope it doesn't make you mad.\"", "Who needs it?", "You needs it.", "Guys, you can't", "just keep hooking up", "and not at least try and figure out", "what you mean to each other.", "Yeah, we knew you would say that.", "That's why we kept it a secret.", "We, that and the fact", "that elaborate lies really turn us on.", "No, no, no. No.", "You need to define the relationship.", "You ne to have the talk.", "Or. Or..", "I know what you're all thinking.", "\"Who's this cool peer of mine up in front of the class?\"", "Well, I know the board says", "\"Professor Mosby,\" but to you", "I'm Ted, huh?", "Question. Awesome.", "Hit it.\nYeah, here's my question.", "\"Ted,\" who the hell do you think you are?", "Yeah, \"Ted.\"", "We're supposed to learn from you?", "You failed as an architect.", "Well...", "And if you're a professor,", "where's your hat and your whip?", "They're at home. I...", "And where are your pants?", "Oh!", "Oh, God.", "Barney, it was awful. I was teaching...", "Shh, Ted, now's not a good time.", "Where do you keep your condoms?", "Okay, look, mistake #1", "was taking that girl's question.", "You don't take questions on the first day.", "It shows weakness.", "Mistake #2", "was you should've hit that.", "Dude, your pants were already off,", "youu had a classroom full\nof people to cheer you on,", "and you can't knock her up 'cause it's a dream.", "Class dismissed.", "Mistake #3: dude, where was the hat?", "Because if y're not going to wear it, I'm taking it back.", "I think what Barney's saying is that", "definitions are important.", "You're their teacher, not their friend.", "Exactly.", "If people don't know their place,", "nobody's happy.", "Amen.", "You have to make things clear.", "Run tell that.", "Define the relationship.", "Yes! No!", "Lily, private convo time.", "Lily, can't you just let us be happy?", "You're not happy.", "You just think you're happy\nbecause you feel happy.", "And that's not happy?", "Of course not.", "You and Robin need to have the talk.", "Why? Give me one good reason.\nI'll give you 20...", "Wow, you can't even think of one.", "Headlights. Deer.", "Lily, for the last time,", "things with me and Robin are\nas good as they can possibly be.", "Oh, hey, look, Brad's here.", "I've got two tickets", "to the Rangers/Canucksame tomorrow night.", "I know you're a hockey fan, so I was thinking...", "Uh, oh, um...", "Uh...", "What do I have to do?", "Put a gun to your head?", "Buy you a six pack?", "Oh, come on, Brad, that's...", "Wow, there's really six of them.", "Uh, but, uh, I can't.", "Why not? You have a boyfriend?", "No. No, no boyfriend.", "Great! It's a date.", "Hey, Barn.\nHey, Brad...", "Eventually, Robin and Brad went to a hockey game.", "You're probably wondering\nwhy I've been quiet all night.", "Um...", "Damn it, Hordichuk!", "You miss another gimme like that,", "I'm gonna come down there", "and put a slapper right up your beerhole! Come on!", "Not really.", "The truth is,", "I... I feel kind of weird being out with you.", "Oh, man.", "Is this the talk?", "What?\nNo, this is good.", "Let's get it all out of the way.", "Robin, I'm looking for something serious.", "No, Brad, no, it's...", "But before we go any further,\nyou should know something", "about my stuff below the belt.", "I was born a little different.", "God, no, uh,", "Brad, no, um...", "This is about me and Barney.\nYou and Barn...", "Oh, oh, so you, you guys are...", "Well, we... we... we don't know what we are.", "I mean, my heart says \"leap into it.\"", "My brain says \"it's a bad idea.\"", "Sounds like you guys need to have the talk.", "We're not gonna have the talk!", "Would you just have the talk, okay?", "It's a five-minute conversation,", "and then you get to have sex afterwards.", "It's great! Back me up, Ted.", "I don't think the talk is necessary.", "What?!\nThank you, Ted.", "Because Robin is already his girlfriend.", "What?!", "MacLaren's Bar, four years ago...", "How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend?", "Simple: the rules for girls", "are the same as the rules for gremlins.", "\"Gremlins\"?", "Gremlins. Rule #1:", "Never get them wet.", "In other words, don't let her\ntake a shower at your place.", "#2: keep them away from sunlight...", "I.E. don't ever see them during the day.", "And rule #3 never feed them after midnight.", "Meaning she doesn't sleep over", "and you don't have breakfast with her ever.", "What about brunch? Is brunch cool?", "No, Ted. Brunch is not cool.", "Ok, new topic.", "How do I pick a tie?", "Simple: remember in the movie Predator...", "I've done all three of those things with Robin.", "Is she my girlfriend?", "Just once, I wish you guys\nwould call me on Tuxedo Night.", "Ladies and gentlemen, time to pucker up", "for the New York Rangers Kiss Cam!", "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!", "Okay, how about this?", "If you kiss me and you feel bad about it,", "you're meant to be with Barney.", "Why not? Lay it on me.", "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!", "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!", "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!\nKiss! Kiss! Kiss!", "Hey, Brad.", "Brad, we can't fight like this all night!", "We both got some good shots in. Let's call a truce!", "It's okay, dude.", "I shouldn't go kissing some other guy's girlfriend.", "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, girlfriend?", "He come on.", "That's putting it a bit strongly.", "A bit strongly. She's not my girlfriend.\nOkay, yeah.", "A gifriend's a bit much, Brad, okay?", "Okay, seriously.", "We're at the point of physical violence.", "Now, will you please have the talk?", "Because of that?", "Come on. That's  thing.", "I'm always punching guys.\nMm-hmm.", "Girls... I'll punch a baby. I don't care.", "Finally, my first class had arrived.", "For real this time.", "I knew I had to make a strong impression.", "I had thought of everything.", "Except...", "Wait. Does professor have one \"F\" or two?", "Oh, my God. Oh, my God.", "Professor.", "Pro-fess-or.", "They're all staring at me.", "Professor. Uh, I don't know.", "Just do something!", "Two \"F's.\" That looks right.", "I think that's right.", "Hey, sorry I went little too far last night.", "Oh, look, we've been over this.", "Unless I say \"flugelhorn,\"\nyou haven't gone too far.", "No, meant punching Brad.", "Oh, right. Look, don't even worry about it.", "It's... oh. God.", "The doorknob's broken off.", "We're locked in here.", "Did, did you do this?\nNo.", "Flugelhorn. Did you do this?", "No.", "Ted? Ted, are you out there?", "Ted's not here, Robin.", "Lily, let us out of here.", "I'd be glad to.", "Just as soon as you and Barney have the talk.", "Lily! Come on. Let us out!", "No. Sit down,", "define the relationship, write down", "that definition on a piece of paper,", "slip it under the door,", "and if I like what I read, you can go.", "We are not having the talk!", "Then you'll die in there.", "You're gonna lock us in here?", "Well, guess what?", "Maybe we'll spend the whole day having sex!", "Well, guess what?", "I brought Marshall with me,\nso maybe we'll do the same.", "Hey, guys.", "I still hadn't decided", "what kind of professor I wanted to be... ", "authoritative or cool guy.", "I thought I would decide in the moment.", "And I did. About 20 times.", "Good morning.", "'Sup, dudes?", "Silence!", "This is Architecture 101.", "I am Professor Mosby.", "But you can call me Ted.", "Professor Mosby.", "T-Dawg.", "Do not call me T-Dawg.", "Never take questions on the first day.", "It shows weakness.", "Also,", "don't look right here.", "Okay, good luck. Byesies.", "This was it: my crossroads moment.", "What kind of professor was I gonna be", "I had to decide.", "Please save all your questions\nuntil the end of the lecture.", "Thank you!", "Now...", "Professor Mosby had arrived.", "Of course, if I had taken that girl's question... ", "who, by the way,was not your mom", "your mom was sitting...", "Wait, let me finish this story real quick.", "Here's what that girl would have said.", "I'm sorry to bother you, Professor Mosby,", "but this isn't Architecture 101.", "This is Economics 305.", "You're in the wrong classroom.", "Yes, I was in the wrong classroom.", "And thus began", "the most humiliating seven minutes of my life.", "Here's your think-about-it for the day.", "Every single person in this room", "is already an architect.", "Architect?", "Hmm. Ooh.", "\"We're just hanging out.\"", "Just hanging out?", "Not good enough.", "Not good enough!", "Can anyone here tell me what\nthis class is really all about?", "Economics?", "No. No, no. Don't laugh.", "He's not... he's not entirely wrong.", "An architect must be economical", "in his use of space,", "so, well done.", "Looks like somone's building", "towards an A, huh?", "\"We're seeing where things are going.\"", "I'll tell you where things aren't going...", "out of that bedroom.", "Not good enough.", "Not good enough!", "You...", "why do you want to be an architect?", "I don't want to be an architect.", "Yes. Yes, exactly.", "It... it's not something", "you want to be.", "It's something you need to be.", "You don't have a choice, right?", "None of you has a choice.", "No questions!", "\"We're Barnman and Robin.\"", "Oh, come on, you got to admit,\nthat's kind of funny, Lily.", "Not good enough.", "Not good enough!", "So if any of you", "have even the slightest inclination", "to do anything with your life\nother than become an architect,", "you're wasting my time and yours.", "There's the door.", "You can go.", "I'm serious. Get out. Now.", "Whoa. Whoa.\nWhoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.", "Wait, wait, wait. Don't... don't all leave!", "Architecture's fun! Look!", "I brought a hacky sack!", "Sorry, I'm late, everyone.", "My name is Professor Calzonetti.", "This is Economics 305.", "You may return to your seats.", "Uh, sorry, sir.", "This is, uh, Architecture 101.", "Who invited their dad, right?", "Young man,", "for the last 28 years,", "Economics 305 has been taught right here", "in building 14, room 7.", "Uh, yeah.", "Buddy, I'm sure 200 architecture students", "and their professor all got the room wrong.", "T-Dawg, you're in the wrong room, bro.", "Sorry. Coming through.", "Excuse me. Whoa.", "20 minutes late on your first day?", "That's rough.\nMm.", "Yeah, but here's the funny thing.", "By that point, I didn't have time", "to think about what kind\nof teacher I was going to be.", "I just got up there and talked about architecture.", "And it was kind of great.", "That's awesome, Ted.\nYeah.", "Congratulations, buddy.", "Thanks.", "Nice job, Ted.", "Hey, Ted, door five!", "Were you there?\nYeah, I got you, buddy.", "They still haven't had the talk, huh?", "I think I know how to speed things up.", "Oh, not cool!", "Pancakes, fresh bacon.", "It is so yummy.", "Uh, dude, I'm starving. Let's...", "let's just have the stupid talk.", "Come on.\nFine.", "But,", "how do these this even work?", "What do we say?", "Huh.", "Where do you see this relationship going?", "Oh, my God, that sounds so cheesy.", "I know, right?", "Totally. But, um,", "where... where do you see\nthis relationship going?", "I don't know.", "I mean,", "it's not like I don't like you.", "I just haven't had a girlfriend for a long time.", "I hope that doesn't make you mad.", "Mad?", "I feel the same way.", "I suck at relationships.", "I mean,", "except with Ted.", "Man, he really got it right.", "I know it's a cliche", "but he really ruined me for other men.", "Of course, I wasn't in the room for this conversation,", "but I have to imagine\nRobin said something like that.", "Hmm.", "Maybe we should go back to being just friends.", "Maybe.", "But, um,", "I don't want to stop having sex.", "Oh, good. Me, neither.", "Yeah. Friends isn't gonna work.", "Nope. Oh, we're not good at being friends.", "We're not good at being in a relationship.", "What are we good at?", "I know something we're good at.", "I don't know. If we're gonna do it again,", "I'm gonna need some Gatorade, or...", "No! No, t that.", "Lying. Okay, think about it.", "We spent the whole summer lying\nabout being just friends.", "Why not just keep lying?", "Really?\nYeah.", "Really. We sat down. We had the talk.", "Barney's my boyfriend now.", "And Robin's my girlfriend.", "I know it sounds nuts, but it feels good to say.", "We're both afraid of commitment, but, the fact is,", "we also can't live without each other.", "And if the alternative is not being together,", "then it's worth taking this risk 'cause...", "she's awesome.", "And he's awesome.", "He looks nice in a suit.", "She can handle her scotch.", "He's my boyfriend.", "And she's my girlfriend.", "Oh!", "Good enough!", "We are good. She bought it.", "Hook, line, and sinker.", "We are good.", "Oh, totally. Mm.", "So, you want to get some breakfast?", "You know, brunch actually\ndoes sound kind of good.", "Hmm. Well, lead the way, sweetie pie.", "Wow! Flugelhorn.", "Yeah, that felt wrong.\nMm.", "Mm.", "You do realize they were lying, right?", "No, Ted.", "They don't realize they weren't lying.", "And that's the story", "of how Barney and Robin became boyfriend and girlfriend.", "Oh, hello.", "Hello. Good evening.", "Hello. Don't get up.", "Didn't we meet on a yacht?", "Hello.", "What?", "Oh, no!", "Did I not tell you guys that it was Tuxedo Night?", "Doesn't feel very good, does it?"], "How I Met Your Mother S05E02 Double Date": ["This is the story\nof two blind dates.", "One in 2009...", "And one seven years earlier.", "In all that time,\nmy dating routine", "remained more or less\nthe same...", "...until the fall of 2009,", "when I finally had a date\nthat was different.", "Because it was\nexactly the same.", "I was on a blind date\nwith the same woman", "I went on a blind date with\nseven years earlier.", "Ted?\nTed?", "Jen?\nJen?", "It's nice to meet you.", "And she didn't remember it.", "But then again...", "It's nice to meet you, too.", "Neither did I.", "Do you want to...?\nYeah.", "Guess who just got four tickets", "to the \"Origins of Chewbacca\"\nStar Wars exhibit?", "Why?\nNo, I said, \"Guess who?\"", "I heard you.", "Yeah, um, isn't it a little early\nin our relationship", "to do something that\nwould end our relationship?", "What? No, what are\nyou talking about?", "It can be our first\ndouble date as couples!", "And plus,\nit sounds awesome!", "Is the original Chewbacca\ngoing to be there?", "Peter Mayhew, in the fur.", "Who's with me?", "Hey, do you think\nthey'll have", "Wookiee to English\ndictionaries there?", "I mean, even just an everyday\nphrase book would be helpful.", "We're not going", "to the \"Origins of Chewbacca\"\nexhibit, Marshall.", "It's in Houston this year.", "Everyone knows that.", "I just wanted to get\nrid of the girls.", "Where are you taking me, Barney?", "This wasn't the first time\nyour Uncle Barney had kidnapped one of us.", "Wait a second.", "The \"Origins of Chewbacca\"\nexhibit's in Montreal this year.", "Everyone knows that.", "Where are you taking me?", "My guy in the DA's office\nscored us", "front row seats\nto a lethal injection.", "But we're still stopping\nfor chili dogs first.", "Stop the cab.", "Where are you taking me?", "Barney,\nwhy are we here?", "Marshall, now that\nRobin and I are together,", "I've learned a lot\nabout relationships", "by watching you and Lily.", "Thanks, man.", "You're a terrible couple.", "Lily has taken", "all the man out of you.", "I used to think that's just\nevery relationship.", "But what I've got with Robin\nproves that you can", "have a girlfriend and fully\nfunctioning male genitalia", "all at the same time.", "Okay, right.", "So, if Robin knew\nthat you were here,", "she would be completely\nfine with it?", "Are you kidding?", "She'd sprint down here\nwith a purse full of singles", "and a poncho\nfor the 10:30 Jell-O show.", "BT-Dub, I called ahead--\nit's lime.", "Meanwhile, Jen and I were at\nmy favorite", "first date restaurant...", "for the second time.", "So, Jen, what do you do?", "I'm between jobs--\nbanking crisis.", "I'm between jobs--\nInternet bubble burst.", "Makes me realize I should", "go into something\nmore stable...", "like banking.", "So what about you?", "I'm an architect.", "Hopefully, one day,", "I can use my own humble brush", "on the masterpiece that is\nManhattan's skyline.", "I teach aritecture.", "Get 50% off", "Married!", "What is wrong with you?", "You're just looking.", "It's like fantasizing\nabout other women.", "It's harmless.", "What.", "Don't tell me you don't\nfantasize about other women.", "I do!", "It's just not that easy.", "False.", "I once fantasized about\nthat silhouette chick", "you see on a truck's mudflaps.", "Took me less than a mile.", "Not everyone is you,\nokay, Barney?", "Even when I do start to have\na dirty thought like that...", "it seems so much like cheating\non Lily, that I feel guilty", "So first, I need to have\na different fantasy.", "Bad news.", "Lily has a rare and fatal\nhiccup disorder", "that's apparently\nmedical illegitimate.", "What?! How could this be?!", "Beats me, but it says it\nright here", "on this doctor clipboard\nthat doctors have.", "It's time, baby.", "I will never love again.", "No, Marshall, you must.", "And after", "an appropriate number of years,", "you should\nfind someone else.", "Someone like that", "busty delivery girl\nfrom that one time.", "And plow her like a cornfield.", "And so, Marshall,\nto honor Lily,", "you must find that busty\ndelivery girl from that one time", "and plow her like a cornfield.", "Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.", "Where do I sign?", "And then watch out,\nbecause it is on!", "That is the saddest thing\nI've ever heard.", "Dude, Lily gets you\nin real life", "She has no business\nin your fantasies.", "It's all I know, okay?", "I can't, I can't help it.", "I accept your invitation.", "Marshall Eriksen,", "from this day forward,", "I will be the wingman\nof your mind.", "Now, focus on the next dancer.", "Put Lily completely\nout of your mind.", "Gentlemen,", "say hello J-J-J-Jasmine.", "Barney?", "Is it just me or does that\nstripper look exactly like...?", "Ted, we found a stripper who looks\nexactly like Lily!", "Yeah, I can't\ntalk right now.", "I'm speechless, too.", "Everything's as perky\nas we've always imagined!", "Stop looking at her.", "Uh, look, I got to go.", "Take a picture.", "Oh, I will.", "But first, I'm going to\nmake Marshall", "watch as I wedge\nUlysses S. Grant", "between his wife's tatas.", "I'll kill you!", "Sorry about that.", "So, any thoughts on food?", "Yeah, do you wanna share the oysters?", "I would love to share\nthe oysters.", "Good. 'Cause if you didn't...", "...that would be\nmighty shellfish.", "Wow, that's bad.", "That's why it's funny!", "We've been on this date before.", "We've been on this", "exact blind date before.", "In this exact same restaurant.", "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think\nthat blind date went too well.", "Me neither.", "I remember thinking\nthat you were a little snobby.", "Wait, you...", "You dress ur cats up\nin weird costumes.", "They're not weird.\nSee, you're being snobby again.", "Oh, my God.", "Do you realize what this means?", "Since our first date,\nwe've done a complete lap", "of all the single people\nin New York", "only to end up back here,\nwith each other.", "Whoa.", "We're going to die alone,\naren't we?", "Well, you've got your cats.", "This is insane.", "Wait, I got to ask.", "Why did you think I was snobby?", "Wait... Okay...\nyeah, we were", "sitting over there...", "Main Lobster.", "They spelled \"Maine\"\nwithout the \"e.\"", "Good to know we're not\ngetting the crappy", "understudy lobsters, right?", "Tonight, the role of\npound-and-a-half lobster", "will be played by...", "I get it, Ted.", "Pointing out\nspelling errors in a menu", "makes you seem kind of snooty.", "Huh.", "I had no idea.", "Okay, well, what about me?", "Aside from the cats,\nhow did I come across?", "That's right-- the check.", "The check came", "and, of course,\nI was going to pay,", "but you didn't\ndo the check dance.", "Guys want to wave the girl off", "and, you know,\nlook like a big shot.", "Huh. I had no idea.", "This is good.\nWe're learning stuff.", "You know what we should do?", "We should retrace\nthe rest of that night", "and figure out what else\nwe do wrong on first dates.", "'Cause let's be honest--\nwe are scaring people off, Jen.", "We really are.", "Okay, I'm in.", "Great.\nWhere'd we go next?", "I think we went to MacLaren's.\nOkay.", "Hey, I didn't really talk about\nmy cats that much, did I?", "And then,", "there's Tabby-gail Adams,\nthe jester of the group.", "Tone down the kitty talk.", "Check.", "You will not believe\nwho we saw tonight.", "Dude, um...", "We saw the third\ndoppelganger!", "I should explain.", "Over the years we had spotted\ntwo strangers", "who looked exactly like\nmembers of our group.", "Hey, hey, hey, hey!", "Lesbian Robin.", "And Moustache Marshall.", "By the following summer,", "we would find the remaining\ntwo doppelgangers.", "But I'll get to that.", "Ladies, meet Stripper Lily.", "Oh!\nOkay.", "Yeah, I couldn't get\nher face in it.", "But she looks\njust like you.", "So you went\nto a strip club?", "Busted.", "And there was a stripper\nwho looked exactly like me?", "Okay, babe, look,\nbefore you get mad, let me...", "Awesome!", "I bet the guys were going crazy.", "Oh, I bet they wanted\nto touch her so bad.", "But all you can do is look,\nunless you go", "into the back room, but honey,\nyou got to pay for that.", "So...", "Strip club.", "Marshall made me go.", "All right, so what did I do\nwrong next?", "Let me have it.\nI'here to learn.", "Well, I kept telling you I was cold,\nbut you didn't offer me your jacket.", "It's a little brisk\nout tonight, huh?", "Not really.\nReally?", "I can't feel my fingers.", "I'm pretty impervious\nto stuff like that.", "I couldn't\nadmit I was cold.", "I didn't want\nto seem like a wimp", "compared to your\naction hero ex-boyfriend", "who you wouldn't\nstop talking about.", "After a day\nof fighting fires,", "Jim would love\nto come home and unwind", "working on his\n'68 Camo.", "That or bare-knuck boxing,", "which he learned\nin the Marine Corps.", "I had an aunt\nin the Coast Guard.", "Okay, so no talking\nabout the ex.", "Not even about his\nshockingly small wiener?", "See? Why didn't you\nlead off with that?", "Was there\na shower on stage?", "Sometimes there's\na shower on stage.", "I bet stripper me\nwould get in there", "with another girl\nand just go bananas.", "See, Marshall?", "We got to have a bros'\nnight at a strip club", "and both of our ladies\nare totally cool with it.", "I'm not cool with it.", "Because they understand\nthat it's healthy for us", "to do that\nfrom time to time.", "It's disgusting.", "Because it's harmless.", "Did one of your\nwhores tell you that?", "And, Lil, Marshall shouldn't have to go\nto so much trouble", "just to have\nan innocent fantasy.", "Trouble?\nWhat trouble?", "It's, no, it's nothing.", "Marshall, tell her.\nWe're all friends here.", "No, we're not.", "Sometimes I think about\nother women.", "Okay, it happens", "But even when I do,\nI feel so guilty", "that I-I have to imagine you...\npassing away first,", "You're... you're\njust my life, baby.", "And I love you.", "You kill me first?!", "I mean, fantasize about\nother girls all you want,", "but could you maybe\nnot murder me?!", "Murder?!", "No! I, baby-no.", "You develop\na chronic illness!", "I spare no expense\nfor your care!", "We're, like, this close\nto a cure.", "Remember?", "Oh, yeah!", "I do remember.", "We went in here for a drink\nwith your friends.", "Who I loved...\nOr hated,", "depending on whether you're\nstill friends with them.", "You loved them.\nThey're family, Ted.", "Let's go in and see\nwhat they remember.", "And they are my best friends,", "so don't be surprised if they\nsuddenly \"can't think\"of", "anything I do wrong.", "Did he juggle?\nBad puns? Mmm.", "Expect a standing ovation\nfor picking up a $19 check", "Oh, let's not forget\nthe menu typo gold mine.", "Keep pannin'\nthat river, buddy.", "Well, it is a lot cheaper\nthan buying a coom.", "Oh!", "Actually you know\nwhat it was?", "I remember him coming across\nas kind of a player.", "Me?\nTed? Ted?", "Yeah.", "We were all sitting\nover there...", "And here's a picture of my cats\ndressed up like Batman villains.", "You got the Joker,\nthe Riddler, Mr. Freeze...", "Wh about Cat Woman?", "Yeah, that would've been good.", "Psst! Ted!", "Nice.", "Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no!\nI member that.", "Psst, Ted.", "Nice.", "We were checking out\nMoustache Marshall.", "Ah.\nAh.", "Gosh, I thought you\nwere such a jerk.", "I'm so sorry.", "Yeah, well,\nit's nice to know", "\"past me\" wasn't\na total jackass, huh?", "\"Present you\"\nisn't so bad, either.", "Thank you very much.\nYou got it.", "Yes.", "Oh, yeah!", "I remember this.", "...and there's the\nChrysler Building.", "And the Empire\nState Building.", "And at 12:00,\na rotund couple", "going at it\nagainst the glass.", "Aww...", "That's kind of sweet.", "Oh, look.", "Snack break.", "Good for them.", "Letting a guy eat pizza\noff your back, that's love.", "So, um...", "I know this wasn't the best\nfirst date of all time,", "but, uh, I'm glad we\nstuck it out.", "Me, too.", "That was really great.", "Wh... What went wrong?", "I remember now.", "Wow.", "Yeah.", "So would you\nmaybe, um...", "want to go out again?", "Yeah, I, I would.", "Will you call me?", "Absolutely.", "Promise?", "Promise.", "I have been so busy.", "Good night, Ted.", "Hello?", "Jen, I sorry.", "Look, I know I'm seven years\nlate with this call,", "but I was an idiot\nback then.", "You saw the goatee.", "The truth is,", "I had a great time tonight,", "and I'd love\nto see you again.", "Ted, there are\ntwo kinds of guys.", "The guys that you want\nto call you, who don't;", "and the guys you don't want\nto call you, who always do.", "And somehow,\nright now, you're both.", "Baby...", "You should be able to fantasize\nabout another woman", "without feeling guilty,", "I wish that I could,", "but I've been doing\nthis for so long,", "I'm all confused\nabout death and sex.", "It's gotten to\nthe pot where", "every time I drive\npast a cemetery,", "I'm sportin' a partial.", "All right,\nwe got to fix this.", "Okay, when", "Stripper Lily gets out here,", "you have my permission\nto fantasize about her.", "And since she's\nbasically me,", "maybe you won't feel guilty.", "Thanks, baby.\nI'm-I'm so lucky I have you.", "And stripper you.", "Bring out Stripper Lily!", "You know, I don't\ncome here that much.", "Hey, Barney.", "He's the usual\nand I'll send over", "the other usual as soon\nas she's done stretching.", "Hmm...", "Thank you, kindly stranger.", "Ladies and gentlemen...", "Oh, hey, Barney.", "Didn't see you come in.", "I'll load up some\nAC/DC for you, buddy.", "Ladies and gentlemen, please", "put your hands together\nfor Jasmine.", "I am hot!", "Ye.\nOh, crawl for it, stripper me.", "I is awesome.", "Baby, can I get another hundred?", "That was a hundred?", "Wow, she crawls fast.", "Look, Jen,\nI wish I could", "go back and talk some sense\ninto 2002 Ted,", "but that guy's\na lost cause.", "He's 24.", "He thinks a little facial hair\nmakes him look like John Depp.", "And he has no idea", "what a great girl\nhe's missing out on.", "But I've learned a lot\nsince then.", "I've learned a lot tonight.", "The only thing that we've learned\nis that, seven years ago,", "it was mistake\nfor us to go out.", "And I guess it was a mistake\nfor us to go out tonight.", "No, it wasn't.", "I had a great time tonight.", "And seven years ago,\nif you think about it,", "we didn't miss by that much.", "If a couple things", "had gone a little bit\ndifferently...", "who knows what\nwould have happened?", "Wow.", "Wow.", "You are the best.", "My girlfriend is\nat a strip club with me", "and she couldn't care less.", "I do care, Barney.", "Look, we're dating now, okay?\nThat changes things.", "We have to have a serious\ntalk about this.", "Just the best.\nHey.", "Girlfriend trouble?", "I wish I could help,\nbut my unbelievably cool wife", "just bought us a private dance\nwith her stripper body double.", "So if you need me,\nI'll be getting grinded", "like some pepper,\nin the Champagne room.", "Just the best.", "...now what?", "I just remembered\nwhy I didn't call you.", "Why?", "I can't believe I'm gonna", "screw this up again, but, um...", "I like finding typos in menus.", "What?", "And I know my shellfish pun is stupid", "but the truth ...", "I'm not suddenly gonna stop\nmaking stupid jokes.", "Now that you mention it...", "I'm never going to stop\ntalking about my cats.", "They're funny and adorable", "and totally worth having\nto take six Benadryl a day.", "Shouldn't we hold out", "for the person who doesn't just\ntolerate our little quirks,", "but actually kind of likes them?", "Even if it means\nfinding ourselves", "on another blind date with each\nother, seven years from now?", "Oh, dear God,\nI hope that don't happen.", "Well... good luck\nout there, Jen.", "You too, Ted.", "You'll find your shellfish lady.", "And kids, when I told your\nmother that shellfish joke,", "she did laugh.", "And I swear, it was only,\nlike, 30% pity.", "Hey, Lil.", "Looks like, uh, Jasmine's\nhaving a hard time", "getting out of those boots.", "What did you say, buddy?", "Lily?", "Who?", "Oh, yes... I am this Lily.", "We married long time.", "May I have monies for shopping?"], "How I Met Your Mother S05E03 Robin 101": ["Kids, your uncle Barney had been called", "a lot of names over the years.", "Jerk!", "Bastard!", "Barack Obama Jr?!", "Mm-hmm.", "And yes... we can.", "But there's one name none of us", "ever expected\nto hear him called.", "Boyfriend.\nBarney Stinson is my boyfriend.", "I've said it, like,\na hundred times", "it still sounds\nweird to say.", "Well, anything sounds weird\nif you say it a hundred times.", "Bowl.", "Bowl.", "Bowl.", "But other than that, things are good?\nBowl.", "Bowl.\nI don't know.", "I think Barney's been single for too long.\nBowl.", "Like, the other night, I wake up at 4:00 a.m.--\nBowl.", "Barney, are you awake?", "Barney?", "Barney.", "This is not\na one-night stand.", "We're dating.\nCome back to bed.", "Bowl.\nThat's happened three times.", "Bowl.\nAnd it's not just that, it's other things.", "Hey. What's wrong?", "It was just one thing after another", "at work today,\nand then...", "I found out my aunt's\nin the hospital.", "I'm just, I'm feeling\nso overwhelmed and it's just...", "Shh, shh, shh.", "What you need to do is talk\nthrough this stuff.", "Oh, thanks.", "And then, once you're\noff the phone with Lily,", "I'll be down in the bar\nready to have sex.", "Mm-kay?", "Bowl.", "Look, I'm not\nthe touchy-feely-est", "person in the world, but...", "a little more effort\nwould be nice.", "Bowl. Bowl.\nI understand.", "Bowl. I guess, in a lot of\nways, Barney doesn't stack up.", "Bowl. Bowl.\nI mean, you've had some pretty incredible boyfriends.", "Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl.", "No, that's not it.\nBowl.", "I don't know.", "Maybe he just\ndoesn't have it in him.", "Maybe is whole thing's\na big mistake.", "Bowl?", "She really said that?", "And she meant it.", "Trust me. I dated", "Robin for a year-- if you\ndon't want to lose her,", "you gotta try\na little harder.", "Be more attentive", "to where she is emotionally.", "You know, just be present.", "Yes, totally.\nYeah.", "Only thing,\nand this is just me--", "Mm-hmm.", "I like my testicles\nattached to my body,", "rather than rolling around", "next to some eyeliner\nin Robin's purse.", "Stinson out!", "But then\na funny thing happened.", "Over the next couple weeks,\nBarney was thoughtful,", "considerate...", "sweet.", "In short,\nthe perfect boyfriend.", "Which, to Robin,\nmeant only one thing.", "He's cheating on me.\nWhat?!", "Why else would\nhe buy me flowers?", "He's gettin' some\non the side.", "Oh, come on, Robin.", "Barney's not the type of guy\nwho would... Go on.", "Plus, he keeps saying\nhe's working late.", "But when I call his office,\nthey say he left hours ago.", "Well, that doesn't\nprove anything.", "Yes. Proof. Go word.", "I'm glad you\nbrought that up.", "Barney's briefcase.", "He forgot it\nhere this morning.", "And what do you plan\non doing with it?", "We, we-- you and I--", "are going to open it up\nand look for evidence.", "Ted probably has a sledgehammer\naround here somewhere.", "No! Stop!", "Stop! Eye contact.", "Listen to me.", "Robin Scherbatsky\nis many things:", "friend, confidant,", "occasional guest star\nin some confusing dreams", "that remind me a woman's\nsexuality is a moving target.", "But she is no crazy,\njealous stalker-bitch.", "Let go.", "Hey, I've been down\nin the basement", "storage area going through\nall the stuff that", "Lily and I left behind when\nwe moved out. I'm Robin.", "We should've cleared it out\nfor you much sooner.", "There's a basement storage area?", "Oh, you're not upset.\nGood.", "Baby,\nguess what I found.", "Oh, that's great, honey.", "What the hell is that?", "Marshall got it in college.", "He used it as a\nnightstand for years.", "Until we found out that Lily\nwas allergic to barrel resin", "Barrel resin?\nJust go with it.", "So you need a hand\nthrowing it out?", "No, I'm not...", "I'm not just going\nto throw her out, okay?", "Mabel's like family.", "So, um, what are you going\nto do with Mabel?", "I want to give her away,\num, to a lucky new owner.", "Do you know anyone?", "Yeah, hmm, let me think.", "Do I know any rodeo clowns?", "Oh, that's weird, I do.", "But even Lenny wouldn't\ngo near that mess.", "Well, he's not going\nto have the chance,", "because I am putting old Mabel", "in the Bermuda Triangle.", "\"The Bermuda Triangle\"\nwas the name we'd given", "years earlier to the curb right\nin front of our building.", "Whenever we wanted\nto give something away,", "we'd put it right there.", "It was uncanny.", "This is so exciting.", "Right now there's some\nout there who has no idea", "that tonight they're\ngoing home with just...", "just the best barrel.", "Well, let's just hope\nthey're not allergic", "to barrel sin\nlike Lily here.", "Be cool, baby. Damn!", "See you, sweetie.\nGood luck.", "Bye, babe.", "Now, can we please", "get out of here?\nYeah. I'll grab my coat.", "Oops.", "A college notebook?!", "Oh, my God,\nhe's cheating on me", "with some college girl.", "I knew there was a skank", "but I thought\nshe'd at least be dumb.", "\"Birthday: July 23.", "the Vancouver Canucks.", "Age: 29, but tells\npeople that she's 26.\"", "Oh, my God,\nthese are notes", "about me.", "Or some 29-year-old\nversion of me.", "I hope I'm not too late!", "I want to see the look of joy\non the new owner's face!", "She's still there!", "Okay Mabel, let's find\nyou a new home.", "Here comes a guy!", "And he... he just walked,\nwalked right on by it.", "He's probably rushing home to\nget a handcart or something.", "Yeah!\nHey, better hurry up, pal.", "What are you guys doing", "with Barney's\nsecret Robin notebook?", "Let me rephrase that.", "Did you two ladies\nlose some weight?", "What do you know\nabout this, Marshall?", "Why would Barney", "have a notebook full\nof information about me?", "Well...", "The truth was...", "Barney was taking a\nnight school class taught...", "by me.", "Welcome to Robin 101.", "Why is Ted teaching\na class about me?", "It all started\na few weeks ago.", "...rather than rolling around", "next to some eyeliner\nin Robin's purse.", "Stinson out!", "Stinson back in.", "Say, hypothetically,\ndid want to change who I am", "to become a better boyfriend\nto Robin, which I do not!", "What kind of changes\nare we talking about?", "Why, I mean,\nthere's just so much", "you need to know about her.", "Okay, for starters,", "don't ever cry in front her.", "Okay.", "And whatever you do,", "don't cry in front of her\nfour times.", "Hey, guys.", "What you talking about?", "Fantasy football.\nFantasy football.", "They realized\nthey couldn't talk about", "this stuff\nat the bar, and", "since you live with Ted,", "they had to find someplace safe.", "So... Ted's classroom.", "\"How To Date Robin Scherbatsky.\"", "Lesson one.", "Now, even though she puts up\na tough exterior,", "what Robin really wants,\ndeep down...", "I'm bored.", "You said you wanted my help.", "Can we draw boobs\non the chalkboard?", "We did that ready.", "No, like, really big boobs.", "No. Look, I need this, too.", "I've only been\na professor a few weeks.", "Being up here, it's,\nit's good practice for me.", "Can we have class outside?", "No! What Robin really\nwants deep down...", "Barney!\nWhat?", "I'm tweeting about you.", "You should be flattered.", "How do you spell\nblah-blah-blah-- \"H's\" or no?", "Wow, you were just,", "like, the worst student\nin the world, weren't you?", "They said I had\nA-D... something.", "Can we have class outside?", "Barney, I'm only gonna\nsay this once,", "so listen up.", "I love you and I love Robin.", "And I want to make this work.", "So if you give me\na few weeks of attention,", "I could give you\na lifetime of happiness.", "Can you do that for me?", "Do you think I should get\nSports Illustrated", "for 70% off the cover price?", "Can we have class outside?", "I got to find a way\nto reach this kid.", "\"Class number two.\"", "\"Top Ten Robin Scherbatsky", "Facial Expressions\nAnd Their Meaning.\"", "Now, notice the vacant eyes,", "the pale, queasy expression,\nsuggesting nausea.", "What do these mean?", "You guys just had sex?\nOh!", "Wasn't me.", "Dude! I worked really hard\non these slides, okay?", "Can we just...\nOkay.", "This look is hunger.", "If you ever see Robin\nlooking like this,", "get some food in her quick,", "Or one of two things\nwill happen.", "One: weird, out-of-context\nlaughter", "Or two: spontaneously falling\nto sleep in strange places.", "But the most important facial\nexpression of all?", "That's a building.", "Oh...", "That's for my class.", "The Flatiron Building.", "Fun story about it.", "It was designed by Chicago's\nDaniel Burnham", "in the beaux arts style;\nthis architectural gem", "Right.", "The most important facial\nexpression of all.", "Whoa...", "Flared nostril ridges.", "Wide, unblinking eyes.", "If you ever,", "ever see this\nface, Barney,", "run.", "And don't take\na picture of it.", "She will punch you.", "And you will cry...", "for the third time...", "that night.", "Which brings us\nto an important point:", "defusing the bomb.", "\"Defusing the bomb\"?", "What does that even mean?", "\"Three Topics\nTo Distract Robin", "From Being Mad At You.\"", "\"Distract\" me? Oh, that\nis so condescending.", "These guys are really\nstarting to piss me off!", "\"Immediately switch the conversation\nTo one of the following,", "\"unless you want", "Robin to start\nthrowing her shoes.\"", "One.", "\"Vancouver Canucks\n2004 Division Title.\"", "What?!", "That's not distracting.", "That's just talking\nabout the story", "Of a scrappy little\nunderdog team", "that prevailed despite\nvery shaky goal ending", "and, frankly, the declining\nskills of Trevor Linden.", "Two: \"Proper Gun Cleaning\nand Maintenance.\"", "You have to clean your gun", "My uncle had\na filthy old shotgun,", "blew both his thumbs off\ntrying to shoot a beaver.", "You want to distract someone,", "make them watch my uncle\ntry to eat corn on the cob.", "Three: \"Emperor Penguins.\"", "Did you know\nthat before intercourse,", "the male and female emperor\npenguins bow to each other?", "Mr. Penguin.", "Mrs. Penguin.", "Oh, God, silly penguins,\nacting all fancy.", "What were we talking about?", "Uh-oh.\nLooks like we got a taker.", "Oh, come on, dude.", "You know you want to", "A guy like you,\nbeard, no mustache.", "You're exactly the kind of guy\nwho could use a sweet barrel.", "Do it.", "No. No.\nThat's not a fire hydrant!", "What...\nFor shame, Sir. For shame!", "I bet you couldn't even grow\na mustache if you wanted to.", "Neither can you, sweetie.", "Well, he doesn't\nknow that, baby! God!", "Ted's only teaching Barney\nhorrible things about me.", "I don't know.\nCheck this out.", "This is actually\nkind of sweet.", "Now, we all know\nRobin's not", "what you'd call\n\"touchy-feely.\"", "She doesn't say, \"I love\nyou,\" like a normal person.", "Instead, she'll laugh,\nshake her head,", "give you a little smile\nand say, \"You're an idiot.\"", "\"You're an idiot\"?", "Yup.", "If she tells you you're an\nidiot, you're a lucky man.", "And if she does say", "\"I love you,\"", "she's already broken up\nwith you in her mind.", "I think 's nice\nthat Ted knows you that well.", "Ah, well, too bad it's\nnext to a page entitled...", "\"Robin Scherbatsky's\nSurprising Erogenous Zones.\"", "Right knee-- ticklish.", "Left knee...", "Does lefty like that?", "Oh, yeah...\nlefty like that.", "I can't believe I'm taking\nsexual advice from Ted Mosby.", "That's like taking\nfashion advice from...", "well, Ted Mosby.", "Oh, here's a good one.", "\"Top Five Things Never\nto Do Around Robin.\"", "Three: \"Never, ever", "play the 'Guess Who' game\nwith her.\"", "What do you mean?", "Guess who?", "It's me! It's me! It's me!", "Number four: \"Unless you want to\nsee it 80 times a day,", "for the next month,\nnever show Robin a YouTube clip", "of an animal playing\na musical instrument.\"", "Barney!", "Do you have a problem\nwith this class?", "Yeah, it's boring as hell\nand I'm not learning anything.", "Uh, well, maybe the problem\nis your attitude.", "You're not listening\nto a word I say.", "Uh-huh. Uh, can you\nhear this, Professor?", "Or should I turn it up for you?", "It may not have been\na thumbs-up, kids.", "Oh, you think you're\nnot learning anything, huh?", "Okay.", "Pop quiz.", "What...", "When Robin's PMS-ing, what kind\nof chocolate should you get her?", "Trick question.\nGet her butterscotch.", "Correct! Why?", "Butterscotch is\nto Canadian women", "what chocolate is\nto American women.", "Correct!", "What is Robin's dream job?", "To become the most successful", "female TV journalist of all time.", "Correct! And if she achieves\nthat, will she truly be happy?", "No! Robin's deep-seated need\nfor attention can traced back", "to her father's\nemotional distance,", "and no amount of success\nwill ever make up", "for what she truly needs,\nwhich is six simple words", "from her Dad: \"Robin,\nI'm proud of you, eh?\"", "Yes!", "But I guess you're right.", "You haven't learned anything.", "Sorry to have wasted your time.", "\"Oh, Captain! My Captain!\"", "How good was\nDead Poet's Society?", "I know, right?\nThe end? Tears.", "Okay, can I just say that\nmy deepest need in life", "not to have my father to\nsay, \"I am proud of you, eh?\"", "I'm not crying.", "Oh, sweetie.", "Can I get you\nsome butterscotch?", "Oh, stop it.", "Wait a second.", "It says here that the class\nmeets at 6:15 on Tuesday.", "So?\nThat's right now.", "Now, as you can see,\nwell over 50% of the blankets", "have been dragged\nonto her side.", "Make no mistake.", "Robin Scherbatsky\nis a classic, textbook...", "cover hog.", "Any questions?", "Yeah, I have one.", "Yes, Robin?", "Flared nostril ridges.", "Wide, unblinking eyes.", "Uh-oh.\nI got this.", "So, emperor penguins--\ncrazy, huh?", "What the hell\ndo you two think you're doing?", "Marshall, did you sells out?", "I said good-bye to\na very dear friend today.", "Dude, it's a barrel!", "Aw!\nYou're giving Mabel away?", "I have so many questions.", "Why would you do this?", "What were you thinking?", "Who the hell is that guy?", "Oh, that's Shin-Ya.", "He's sort of been\nauditing the class.", "\"Auditing\"?", "Well, tried to explain\nto him it wasn't a real class,", "but I don't think he speaks\nmuch English.", "On the bright side, he came in\nhandy standing in for you", "during\nthe role-playing exercises.", "Wait.\nYou did role-playing exercises", "where I was played by Shin-Ya?", "You know,\nI can't believe you, Ted.", "You actually think you're\nsome kind of an expert on me?", "Hey! He is an expert.\nHe's a great teacher!", "Kiss ass.", "You know, half the stuff", "in this notebook\nis patently wrong.", "Uh, really?\nName one wrong thing.", "\"Robin Scherbatsky's Surprising\nErogenous Zones\"?", "Let me clear something up\nfor you, Ted.", "Does lefty like that?", "Oh. Yeah...", "Oh, uh, no.", "Um, the right one's\nticklish, I guess.", "But the left one, yeah,\nI'm glad you're back there.", "Because that is just some\nsweet, sweet lovin'.", "Noted.", "That was a lie?", "We had just started dating.\nI was being nice.", "And you.", "You know,", "I got it into my head\nthis week", "that you were\ncheating on me.", "I even broke open your briefcase\nto look for evidence.", "That is a huge violation\nof my privacy!", "Go on.", "You know, in a way,\nI was right.", "You cheated.", "You can't get some crib\nsheet on dating me.", "That's not how it works.\nIf we didn't figure out", "how to be with each other\nin a real, honest way,", "I don't see the point\nof even trying.", "What do you want?", "Look.", "All that stuff I told Barney...", "It was personal\nbetween you and me.", "I'm really sorry.", "I guess I'm impressed\nby how much you remembered.", "It's funny.", "When you date someone, it's like\nyou're taking one long course", "in who that person is and\nthen, when you break up,", "all that stuff\nbecomes useless.", "It's the emotional equivalent\nof an English degree.", "I guess I just liked the idea", "of putting all my Robin\nScherbatsky knowledge", "to good use, you know?", "Well, since you know me\npretty well...", "am I fooling myself\nwith this whole Barney thing?", "I don't know.", "I will say this, though.", "I've seen Barney work\nVery hard to get women.", "I've seen him work very\nhard to get rid of women.", "I've never seen him work\nthis hard to keep one around.", "I was going to\ngive him an A.", "Well, B+ -- Shin-Ya kind\nof screwed up the curve.", "Hey.", "Before you say anything,", "I am done with this\nstupid Robin 101, okay?", "Here, I'll get rid\nof the notebook.", "But there's...", "there's something that\nI did want to say to you.", "Robin, I have been\nwith a lot of women--", "blondes, brunettes, redheads;", "big boobs, small\nboobs, medium boobs;", "some boobs that were big,\nbut kind of in a bad way.", "The point is--", "boobs that pointed\nin opposite direc--", "...I'm really scared that\nyou're going to dump me", "and that's why I did\nthis and I'm sorry.", "You're an idiot.", "You know...\nHmm?", "That notebook, um, does contain\na lot of personal info,", "and I think it has\nmy home address.", "Hmm. And your\nwork address.", "Whoa.", "Hey, guys! If you don't want", "the barrel,\ncan you sit somewhere else?", "You're scaring away potential takers.", "Designed\nby Chicago's Daniel Burnham", "in the beaux arts style,", "this architectural gem was\nthe first of its kind...", "Uh, Professor Mosby?\nYes, Susan?", "That's a woman drinking beer\non the toilet.", "Right.", "That-That...", "was Daniel Burnham's wife.", "She was a troubled,\ntroubled woman.", "We are moving on."], "How I Met Your Mother S05E04 The Sexless Innkeeper": ["It was the Fall of 2009\nand I was a professor now.", "So I decided to change my look\na little bit.", "And people were noticing.", "Ah, tweed.", "Textile of the eunuch.", "You know, I've always", "Wondered why those tweed jackets\nhave elbow patches.", "Because the people who wear\nthem are constantly going,", "\"Aw, geez, why can't I get laid?\"", "You are wrong. Get laid?", "The ladies dig\nthe professor look.", "You know, there is\nsomething to that.", "I remember thinking my tenth grade\nmath teacher", "Was very sexy.", "I wonder if Harold's\nstill in jail.", "What?", "Tax evasion.", "Among other things.", "So guys, Marshall", "And I wanted to invite\nyou to our place", "For a little couples' night.", "Uh, sure. Why not?", "For years, Marshall and Lily\nhad been the only", "Married couple in a group full\nof single people.", "It got lonely.", "So they were always", "Searching\nfor another couple", "To double-date.", "There was only one problem.", "Welcome.\nGouda?", "They sucked at it.", "This is great.", "We're having fun.\nYou're having fun, right?", "So, should we\njust go ahead", "And lock the four of\nus in for new year's?", "Um, it's April.", "Right. Sorry.", "We're getting\nahead of ourselves.", "Let's talk Thanksgiving.", "Our parents really\nwant to meet you!", "Well, we should\nprobably be going.", "Wait. But, wait,\nif you leave now,", "Colonel mustard\njust gets away with it.", "It's getting pretty late.\nWe're going to go.", "There's still pie.", "Tonight was fantastic.\nWe should do it again.", "I'm sorry, Marshall,\nbut Falguni and I", "are just not that into you.", "And you.", "But just when Lily and Marshall\nwere about to give up,", "Two of their best friends\nin the world got together.", "And hope returned\nto their hearts.", "Wohoo!", "So when Lily said...", "Marshall and I wanted\nto invite you to our place", "For a little couples' night.", "Um, sure, why not?", ".Barney and Robin had no idea", "What they were\nabout to walk into.", "Okay. Game time.", "Let's review\nthe flow of the room.", "Barney and Robin\nenter here.", "Stop here for margaritas.", "That's a great\nconversation starter.", "We can tell them about\nour trip to Cabo.", "Great, 'cause I got that story\nabout Sammy Hagar", "Anthe Belgian waffle locked\nand loaded.", "Then we'll move on\nto the hot apps station.", "And, depending on how\nthings are going,", "Some lively pre-dinner charades.", "Right, but, uh,\nwe'll play that one by...", "Sounds like?", "Okay, you can be\nRobin's partner.", "Oh... Baby, we can do this.", "Welcome.\nGouda?", "Meanwhile,\nmy half-baked theory", "That ladies dig\nthe professor look", "Was actually\nproving to be true", "So is it hard\nto grade papers?", "No, you've just got\nto make it fun.", "For example, uh, every time\nI spot a grammatical error,", "I do a shot.", "I'm trashed right now,\nand I blame", "Our public school system.", "Sometimes things just seem\nto magically fall into place.", "So, you said\nyou live right upstairs...", "Whether it's\nin the dating world...", "Take care. Bye.\nBye!", "...Or the double-dating world.", "Nailed it!", "Best night ever!", "Worst night ever.", "Hey, how was the big couples'\nnight with Marshall and Lily?", "Brutal.\nReally? How?", "It was like we were on a date", "With a sad, chubby girl\nour mom made us call.", "And they were so nervous,", "That they weren't even making sense\nhalf of the time.", "Hey.\nCome on in.", "Would you\nlike a margarita?", "In Cabo, I saw Sammy Hagar eating\na Belgian waffle! Come on in.", "And they kept shoving platters\nof food in our faces.", "Did Marshall get, like,", "Super intense about the cheese?", "Yeah, how'd you know?", "Poor Marshall.", "Lily's this gourmet cook,\nand all she lets Marshall", "Is pick out one sad block of cheese.", "That's prosciutto-wrapped melon.", "You guys are going to want\nto get in on this gouda.", "That's seared scallops\nwith a mango chutney.", "Seriously, don't sleep\non the gouda.", "And that's", "Lobster ravioli\nin a black truffle oil.", "Ooh...\nTick-tock goes the gouda clock.", "Um, we-we-we didn't realize\nthere was gonna be dinner.", "We sucked down a couple\ntacos outside the subway.", "P.S., not\nsitting great.", "And if anything didn't go\naccording to plan,", "They would freak out.", "What do you mean,\nthe egg timer is broken?", "What are we going to use\nfor charades, sweetie?", "I'm working on it, darling.", "Okay? Just stall them.", "Now, Robin...", "You work in television.", "We're experiencing some\ntechnical difficulties.", "You get that?", "We're still laughing.", "Right? Laugh, Marshall.", "Come on, they just\ngot excited.", "They've been looking for couple\nbest friends forever.", "Plus, I'm sure\nthey weren't that bad.", "Show him.", "This is a web site", "Marshall already made\nabout last night.", "It's called\nitwasthebestnightever.com.", "* It was the best night ever *", "* laughter raining down\nlike April showers *", "* oh, we talked for hours... *", "* best night ever *\noh, that's not good.", "* Then we played charades *", "* Lily made some creme brulee,\nlay-lay-lay-lay *", "* and now that\nwe're best couple friends *", "* there's only one thing *", "* left to say... *", "* are you free? Are you free?\nAre you free? *", "* Are you free?\nAre you free next Saturday? *", "That's the 17th.\n* Are you free? *", "Friday or Sunday\nwould also work.", "Or basically any other day.", "Needless to say, we've both changed\nour e-mail addresses.", "I don't understand.", "If last night went so horribly,", "Why do Lily and Marshall\nthink it was such a hit?", "I mean, we knew we were gonna have\nfun tonight,", "But we had no idea how much.", "Oh.\nYeah, tough luck,", "Every Saturday\nnight I've ever had,", "'cause this one just\nblew you out of the water.", "Let's do it again, soon.\nYeah, we'll call you.", "They're your friends!", "Why would you just blatantly lie\nto them like that?", "Well, that's what you say\nat the end of a crappy date.", "Hey, Ted.\nGreat time last night.", "Well, let's do it again, soon.\nI'll... uh, call you.", "Right?", "Who was that?", "Oh, I don't want to brag,", "But it seems chicks\nare really digging", "The whole professor thing.", "Last night,", "She picked me up at the bar.", "And then...\nWell, she actually", "Wound up falling asleep\non the couch.", "But, hey, that happens.", "Uh, no, it doesn't.", "Sure, it does.", "You know, she was,", "She was just exhausted\nfrom being turned on.", "But you heard her.", "She wants to do it again, soon.", "Ted, let me ask you a question.", "Where does this girl\nlive, exactly?", "Westchester. Why?", "You're the sexless innkeeper.", "Oh, my god!\nYou're right!", "He's totally\nthe sexless innkeeper!", "What the hell is\n\"the sexless innkeeper\"?", "Ted, many a man--\nnay, many a soul--", "Has their own tale of\nthe sexless innkeeper.", "Why, I had run-in\nwith one just last year.", "I even composed\na poem about it.", "Would you care to hear it?\nNot really.", "T'was the night\nbefore new year's,", "And the weather grew mean.", "It was 3:00 in the morning,", "And I was stranded in queens.", "The tavern grew empty,", "The gas lights grew dim.", "The horse-drawn carriages\nwere all but snowed in...", "Wait. If this was last year,", "Why are you acting like it\nwas Oliver Twist?", "Ted, it's a poem.", "Last call was approaching,", "And my fortunes looked bleak.", "Then I turned to my left", "And stifled a shriek.", "She had a peach fuzz beard", "And weighed 16 stone.", "She gobbled up hot wings", "And swallowed the bones.", "I muffled a scream", "And threw up in my mouth.", "I asked, \"where do you live?\"", "And she said,\n\"one block south.\"", "I swallowed my pride", "And six shots of whiskey.", "And prayed to the gods", "That she wasn't too frisky.", "Back in her cave,\nshe prepared us a snack.", "'Neath her mighty hooves,\nthe floorboards did crack.", "But when she returned,", "She found a sound sleeper.", "And thus she became", "The sexless innkeeper.", "And so are you", "Wait, you're saying that girl", "Just used me\nfor a place to crash?", "Ted, you mentioned that\nyou live right upstairs.", "She saw the tweed jacket\nwhich basically says", "You're not interested in, nor\nprobably even capable of, having sex.", "And she thought,\n\"hey, free lodging.\"", "No way.", "I'm not the sexless innkeeper.", "Ted, that girl\nhad no intention", "Of ever hooking\nup with you.", "Which is funny,\nbecause usually", "It's the innkeeper who offers\nturndown service. Oh!", "Hey, guys. Good news.", "First of all, you can ignore\nall the e-mails", "And texts we've sent you.", "We have. Go on.", "Because we went\nahead and booked", "That couples' weekend\nfor all of us in Vermont!", "Wait, you guys were\nserious about that?", "Oh, we never\njoke about b&b's,", "Especially at the height\nof syrup season.", "Check it out.", "Saturday we've got\napple-picking,", "Antiquing, then\na hated hay ride.", "And then on Sunday, we're up at\n6:00 a.m. for the fall foliage hike.", "Now, you better pack your long johns,\n'cause it is cold up there.", "Look! I'm sorry that we have been\ndodging your calls,", "But we respect\nyou guys too much", "As friends to give\nyou some song and dance.", "You deserve the truth.", "The US Navy has found\nintelligent alien life", "At the bottom of the ocean.", "For reasons I can't\nexplain, Robin and I", "Have been tapped\nto lead the expedition.", "Wow, Barney.", "That kind of sounds like\nthe stuff you say to girls", "When you're too much of a\ncoward to dump them. Yeah.", "You know, that's exactly\nwhat it sounds like.", "But if that's true,\nthat's awesome.", "What's going on?", "Look, all the couple-y stuff,\nit's just not us.", "Barney and I are barely equipped\nto date each other,", "Let alone you guys.", "Plus, the alien thing.", "Come on, Marshall.\nLet's go.", "No... Lily...\nYou know what?", "I hope those underwater aliens\nare cold-blooded.", "'Cause then you guys will\nget along just fine.", "I think they bought it.", "I can't believe they\nbroke up with us.", "We're so lovable.", "No, we're not.\nWe're ugly and gross.", "I thought we did\neverything right.", "I know!", "I know. We had the gouda.", "We had my waffle story.", "I even sent them a\nawesome photo montage.", "Nothing.", "Oh, dear god.", "Marshall, we've been\nover and over this.", "You have to stop\nsending those to people.", "It was true.", "Marshall had become addicted\nto creating songs", "And photo montages documenting\nvarious mundane events.", "So for months,\nall of Marshall's", "friends and professional\ncolleagues", "Were getting e-mails\nlike this...", "* ordered Chinese food today *", "* some moo shu pork sauce\ngot away *", "* flipped the cushion *", "* now everything's okay. *", "* Cat-sitting for Lily's mom *", "* cat-sitting\nfor Lily's mom *", "* it's gonna be fun *", "* it's gonna bring us all\ncloser together. *", "* Cat funeral *", "* cat funeral *", "* it was an accident *", "* and not entirely my fault *", "* cat funeral *\n* meow, meow, meow, meow *", "* meow, meow, meow, meow *\n* cat funeral *", "We'll miss you, whiskers.", "* Meow, meow, meow, meow,\nmeow... *", "I can't believe you\nsent them one of those.", "They think we're insane now.", "If I recall, they didn't dump us", "Until you brought up\nthat Vermont trip.", "It was way too early.", "First, a boat ride\naround the city,", "Then a trip to Vermont.", "It's a rookie mistake,\nand you're better than that.", "Oh, what about you forgetting", "To check the egg timer\nfor charades?", "I gave you one thing\nto do, Marshall. One thing.", "One thing?", "One thing?", "Wow. Really?", "So, I guess that gouda", "Just walked itself\nright through the door...", "...Sliced itself up,", "And arranged itself\nin a perfect semi-circle", "Around not three, not four...", "But five different kinds", "Of sturdy,\ncheese-bearing crackers?", "You're a sturdy,\ncheese-bearing cracker!", "Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't\nbeen to the bar all week.", "They're taking\nthis really hard.", "Ted, I could listen to\nthis guilt trip all day,", "But don't you have to\nget back up to the inn?", "I mean, who's working\nthe front desk?", "Seriously, they're\nyour friends.", "You got to go apologize.", "To your point, Ted,\nas an innkeeper,", "Do you do that cheapy thing", "Where you only change\nthe linens upon request?", "I mean, I mean, I mean, how much\nwater is that actually saving?", "Robin, you know I'm right.", "Ignoring a problem\ndoesn't make it go away.", "Usually,\nit just makes it bigger.", "You're right.", "Thank you.", "All that sexlessness\nhas made you wise.", "For god's sake!", "Mint on the pillow, Ted!", "And don't charge for wi-fi.\nIt seems greedy! It does.", "But eventually,", "Even Barney and Robin\nhad to admit", "They owed Lily and Marshall\nan apology.", "Hey.", "We wanted to say we're sorry.", "Oh. I wish you had called.", "I swear, he was right there", "Just eating a Belgian waffle!", "Well, he can't\nhave enjoyed it", "As much as I'm enjoying\nthis gouda!", "Oh!", "Um, listen,", "Now's not a good time.", "We'll call you.", "Wai.t We just want...", "Hey! Hey, guys.\nHey. Long time no see.", "Have a seat.\nSit.", "Oh, we can't.\nWe're here with Py and Shea.", "Yeah, sorry.", "Oh, it's just... We haven't\nseen you guys all week.", "Hey, maybe all six of us could hang out.\nYeah.", "Oh, it might be weird.\nWe're kind of on a double date.", "Wouldn't want you to feel\nlike a fifth and sixth wheel.", "Who the hell are these people?", "They just moved\nhere from Hawaii.", "Py is a total foodie and Shea, well...\nMmm!", "She's...", "Shea... Shea is just...", "Anyhoo, we can't stay long.", "We're just gonna grab a quick\nbeer and then take these kooks", "For a boat ride\naround the city.", "Wow, it sounds like this is\ngetting pretty serious.", "Well, we don't want\nto jinx it, but, uh...", "We kind of think\nthey might be the two.", "Ooh.", "Pfft, who needs 'em?", "Pfft. Not us.", "* Livin' alone *", "* we think of all the friends\nwe've known *", "* but when\nwe dial the telephone *", "* nobody's home *", "Hi. Two for dinner.", "Just the two of you?", "* All by ourselves *", "* don't want to be *", "* all by ourselves anymore *", "* all by ourselves... *", "Hey, why don't we call", "That weird couple\ndown the hall from you?", "You know, with the ferrets?", "Maybe they want to come over\nand play taboo.", "After midnight?\nNo way.", "We can't tabooty-call\nthem, it's pathetic.", "Hey, guys.", "Barney,\nare you wearing sweat pants?", "Maybe. But they're Armani.", "Okay, guys, I've got\nsome bad news for you.", "So I'm just going\nto come out and say it.", "You're a couple.", "And no matter how hard\nyou try to fight it,", "Couples need other couples.", "That's why you miss\nMarshall and Lily.", "And can't you just admit that?", "Oh, yeah!", "That was amazing, Lily!", "I know!", "When I got that left-hand-\nyellow, I was like, \"what?!\"", "You guys are the best.", "Oh, right back at you!", "Ding.", "For charades.", "How do we know you two\nwon't hurt us again?", "You don't.", "You know what?", "We have two very nice people\nup in that apartment", "Who are perfect for us.", "Then what are you doing,", "Standing out in\nthe rain with us?", "Damn it.", "Why is there something so\nattractive about a bad boy...", "And girl?", "I think we can change them.", "Come here, you two.", "We'll never sleep\non the gouda again.", "* All by ourselves... *", "Hey, Barney. I got\na little poem for you.", "You want to hear it?\nNo, not really.", "'Twas the night\nbefore, I had hours to kill.", "I sat in the tavern,\ngrading parchments with quill.", "With quill?", "Barney. It's a poem.", "A busty, young lassie\nflashed me a grin.", "Her garb said \"classy,\"\nbut her eyes whispered \"sin.\"", "She said, \"you're a teacher?\"", "I said, \"yes, indeed.\"", "\"I must have you,\" she moaned.", "\"I'm turned on by tweed.\"", "With haste we did scamper", "To my chamber anon.", "We fell to the couch,\nand, bro, it was on.", "I unlaced her bodice.", "Our passions grew deeper.", "And thus ends the tale\nof the sexless innkeeper.", "No way.", "You made that up.", "Are you coming back\nbed, professor?", "Whew!", "God, I love being single.", "Barney, you ready for brunch\nwith Lily and Marshall?", "What have I done?"], "How I Met Your Mother S05E05 Duel Citizenship": ["Kids, as you know,\nAunt Robin grew up in Canada.", "That meant sometimes she\ndressed a little differently.", "Okay, let's do this!", "Sometimes she talked\na little differently.", "Ted, this hydro bill is bigger\nthan Louis Cyr's biceps.", "What, you leave the garburator\non all night, eh?", "She hung out at different bars", "and enjoyed leisure time\na little differently.", "You want to go?\nYou want to go?! Come on!", "Make fun of the Great\nWhite North all you want.", "It's the best country\nin the world.", "The...\nMmmm.", "Social experiment.", "U.S.A., U.S.A.", "Okay, okay.\nYou know what,", "What does that even prove, okay?", "You chant anything,\npeople will join in.", "Canada, Canada,", "Cana...\nOkay, they won't chant anything.", "Shrimp fried rice,", "Shrimp fried rice,\nShrimp fried rice,", "Shrimp fried rice,\nShrimp fried rice...", "Shrimp fried rice--\ntotally.", "Anyway, speaking of food,", "Marshall, I've got\nso bad news.", "Just read online,\nGazzola's is closing.", "No!", "What's Gazzola's?", "A filthy mecca of spectacular\nif undercooked pizza", "located at 316 Kinzie Street,\nChicago, Illinois.", "Back in college, Ted and I used\nto take these crazy road trips", "from Connecticut\nall the way to Chicago", "Just for a Gazzola's pizza.", "22 hours.", "No map.", "We'd just jump in\nthe Fiero and drive.", "We were like Lewis and Clark,", "if Lewis and Clark peed\nin empty soda bottles", "and had a bong made\nout of a cantaloupe.", "Man, those Gazzola trips,", "that's... that's when\nwe really became bros.", "Mm. We ate nothing\nbut jerky.", "Drank nothing but Tantrum.", "Ah, Tantrum.", "Tantrum was a soft drink with\nthe highest caffeine content", "legally available\nover the counter.", "It was eventually discontinued", "after an extensive study\nby the FDA.", "Oh, man, we went through a whole case\nof Tantrum one trip.", "I was color-blind for\ntwo weeks after that.", "I think that's the reason\nthat I pass out", "when I hear church bells.", "It's probably a good thing\nthey're closing Gazzola's.", "Those trips were\nbrutal, right?", "The long hours in the car,\nthe motion sickness, the smell.", "So what time are we leaving for Gazzola's tomorrow?\nI was thinking 9:00, 9:30.", "I am ready to hit the road.", "I got baby wipes.", "I got a variety of jerky.", "I got six cans of Tantrum.", "Well, four.", "One burned through the can,\nthe other one I drank already.", "Tantrum!", "I am so psyched! Marshall and I", "haven't done something, just\nthe two of us, for so long.", "Ever since he got married, he's\nturned from an \"I\" to a \"we.\"", "What do you mean?", "Think about it.", "Hey, haven't seen you all week.\nHow you doing?", "We're doing great.", "Did you watch the Jets game?", "We most certainly did.", "How'd things go at the doctor?", "We no longer have\na hemorrhoid problem.", "Hmm.", "You guys will not believe this.", "I've been talking\nto my lawyer all morning.", "You know that guy I have", "a slight disagreement", "with at the Hoser Hut?\nHe's filing assault charges.", "Come on!", "I broke his nose with a chair.", "And now, apparently, I may\nend up getting deported.", "Oh, my God, that sucks!\nYeah.", "I'm gonna go do push-ups\nin the kitchen.", "Tantrum!", "Well, there's only one possible\nway to avoid getting deported.", "My lawyer said I could\nbecome an American citizen.", "Perfect. Problem solved.\nWelcome aboard.", "Well, it's not that simple.", "I'm a Canadian.\nI was born there.", "My family's there.\nIt's who I am.", "I know, and it's provided us\nwith a lot of laughs.", "But, Robin,", "if you want to live here,\nwork here", "and throw chairs at people here,\nyou have to do this.", "Well, there's a citizenship\ntest tomorrow.", "A cit...\nI'll think about it.", "No, no, you have to do it.", "I'll help you study.", "We're gonna stay up\nall night long.", "I'm gonna drill you,\nand then we're gonna study.", "No, seriously.", "We're gonna do some cramming", "and then we're gonna study.", "No, seriously. We're\ngonna bone up on...", "Okay, Barney.\nSorry.", "It's a rich area.\nIt is.", "But you know, it's not\ngoing to be easy, this test.", "It's not like the Canadian\ncitizenship test.", "How do you know\nthe Canadian test is easy?", "It's Canada.", "Do you want\nto be Canadian?", "Really?", "Ted! Ted!", "Check it out!", "I got black coffee on the left,\nI got Tantrum on the right!", "Do you have a phone book?!\nYes, I do!", "I don't know why they make\nphone books anymore.", "Everything's online, right?", "Tantrum!\nTantrum!", "All right, let's hit the road.", "You invited Lily?", "We most certainly did!", "I don't know if you caught that,\nbut he did the \"we\" thing.", "Yeah, I heard him.\nOkay.", "Road trip!", "So you guys want to talk\nabout bitches?", "I'm kidding.\nThey're called women.", "All right, next stop: Chicago.", "I have to pee.", "Couldn't you have gone\nbefore we left?", "I did. I just pee a lot.", "You'll see.", "Don't worry,\nwe'll get out on the road,", "it'll be just like old times.", "It wasn't.", "* I would walk 500 miles", "* And I would walk 500 more...", "Sugar snap pea?", "Pea...", "That reminds me, I have to pee.", "Okay, straight,\nstraight, straight.", "Now, wait, a little\nto the left.", "We'll pass a state trooper.", "Ooh, punch buggy yellow!", "Ow!", "Yellow-- that reminds me,\nI have to pee.", "Thank you!", "Great.", "Oh, hey, Ted...", "You can't have\nto go again.", "It's not humanly\npossible.", "No, I was just going to say\nmaybe we should listen to something.", "Oh, that's a great idea.\nI think I have some Jerky Boys.", "Good-bye, Sparky.", "It's an audio book\nabout a boy and his dog.", "It made Elisabeth Hasselbeck cry.", "Good-bye Sparky,\nby Nick Leotti.", "Read to you by Kenny Rogers.", "Oh!", "When I first saw Sparky,", "he reminded me of\nmy favorite comb;", "he was missing a lot of teeth,\nbut I loved him anyway.", "Mother was fit to be tied", "every time he used\nher prized rhododendron", "to do his business.", "That reminds me,\nI have to pee.", "\"How many stars\nare on the flag?\"", "50-- one for each state.", "\"What are\nthe first ten amendments", "to the Constitution called?\"", "The Bill of Rights.", "Look, Barney, I know\nall this. I'm ready.", "Ready for the test maybe,\nbut ready to be an American?", "Not on your sweet life.", "For you to be an American,", "we got to get the Canadian\nout of you.", "That's why I've created\nthese questions.", "\"Who is this?\"", "Queen Elizabeth II.", "No, the answer is Elton John.", "\"What the hell is this?\"", "Oh, curling.", "Um, it's a sport played...", "Wrong. The answer\nwe were looking for", "was \"I don't care, it's dumb.\"", "Let's go buy something\nthat's bad for us", "and then sue the people\nwho made it.", "That's America, Robin.", "...because Sparky loved\nchasing a ball,", "and it didn't much matter\nwhat kind.", "Tennis ball, baseball,\nWiffle ball,", "golf ball, basketball,", "beach ball, gum ball,", "a grapefruit-- which isn't\nactually a ball,", "but 's round like a ball--", "a football-- which isn't round,", "but it's still technically\na ball--", "Indian rubber ball...", "This ends disk seven.", "The audio book continues\non disk eight.", "Disk eight.", "Lacrosse ball, volleyball...", "Oh, my God, Lily, please\ntell me you have to go pee!", "Ah, I do.", "It was the worst trip ever,", "but then it got worse.", "Well, don't worry, the\nnext exit's the hotel.", "We can go there.", "Hotel?", "Crumpet Manor is listed", "in the American Registry\nof Historic Bed-and-Breakfasts.", "Our door is opened\non Christmas day, 1881.", "And we have catered\nto couples ever since.", "Well, I mean, single people\ncan have fun here, too, right?", "Oh, I suppose I could arrange\na little recreation.", "Do you enjoy sitting\non a bench?", "And by the end of the night, Barney\nhad turned Robin into a real American.", "I want to say-- Jefferson?", "Correct.\nOh!", "Archie Bunker's neighbor\nwas George Jefferson.", "Oh, boo-ya! I am nailing this.", "God, I'm buzzing", "On America right now!\nAll right, hold your horses.", "Now to prove that you are\nas American as apple pie", "and the childhood obesity\nit leads to--", "who is this?", "That, Barney,", "is the American actor,\nbeloved by millions,", "the \"Hey, Vern\" guy from the\npopular series of Ernest films.", "And his name...", "Jeff Foxworthy.", "Jeff Foxworthy?", "No, it's Jim Varney.", "You're kidding me.\nYou don't know that?", "Uh, that's Jeff Foxworthy,\ndumbass.", "End of story.\nNow shut your stupid face.", "Not only are you wrong,", "but you are belligerently\nsticking to your guns", "and insulting me\nin the process.", "Robin Scherbatsky--", "you are an American.", "Look who's back\nfrom the wishing well.", "It didn't work,\nI'm still here.", "Marshall, what are we doing?", "We should be on the road.", "Ok, Ted, we're not\nin college anymore, okay?", "We don't have\nto drive all night.", "Besides, they have a spa.", "All our spa treatments\nare designed for couples.", "Would you\nbe interested", "in the two-person,\ncornmeal body scrub?", "And then finally it happened.", "Marshall and Lily globbed\ninto one big married glob.", "We'd love a cornmeal\nbody scrub!", "Whoa.", "I got to dial back\non the Tantrum.", "Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be\nan American, y'all.", "Maybe I'll rob a liquor store.\nMaybe I won't.", "My choice.", "Learn English!", "The Hoser Hut.", "I could duck in for a drink.", "No, no, that life's behind me.", "Forget it.", "Well, I could in\nfor just one beer.", "What's the harm in that?", "It's a free country.", "* O Canada", "* Our home and native land...", "Oh, God, I miss it.", "* True patriots love...", "Hey, man.", "Shh.", "Sorry about\nwhat I said before.", "You want to go to the store\nand get some beer?", "Lily is asleep.", "I suppose I could\nreschedule my pedicure.", "What the hell?\nBut only light beer", "because we have a couple\nhike in the morning.", "Dude, why are we pulling\nto the highway?", "Ted, where exactly\nare we going to get this beer?", "Chicago.", "What are you doing?\nWe can't just leave Lily.", "When she wakes up,\nshe's going to freak!", "She'll have a back rub\nand a crumpet.", "She'll be fine.\nRelax. Have some fun.", "I just abandoned my wife.", "How am I supposed to have fun?", "* And I would walk 500 miles", "* And I would walk 500 more...", "Hey, you really think\nLily's pissed?", "If she's pissed, she's pissed.", "Pfft.", "When Barney finally", "tracked down your Aunt Robin,", "it wasn't a pretty sight.", "Good morning.", "Barney?", "Oh, my God.\nWhat happened last night?", "You went Canadian.", "How Canadian?", "This Canadian.", "Oh. That was supposed\nto be a dramatic view", "of the Toronto sky--\nyou're in Toronto.", "Oh, God.", "Okay. It's coming back to me.", "I, uh, I went\ninto the Hoser Hut..", "And I met this\nwomen's curling team", "We started drinking.", "And the next thing I know,\nthey're inviting me", "to a Bryan Adams/Rich tittle\ndouble bill in Toronto.", "How did you find me, anyway?", "You called me,\nsaid you were never coming back.", "So, I jumped on a plane,\nflew across the Atlantic...", "Canada isn't\nacross the Atlantic.", "You're talking nonsense.", "Now, listen...", "You slipped up. It's fine.", "The test is in a few hours.", "Barney,\nI'm not taking the test.", "God, you're still drunk.", "Look, I-I appreciate\nyour help, but...", "who am I kidding?\nI'm Canadian.", "I always will be.", "Now, that's ridiculous.", "We're gonna get some coffee\nIn you, we'll sober you up,", "and get you back\nto New York for that test.", "But, before any of that,", "we're gonna do it on this bed", "'cause... hotel room.", "Okay, let's get some coffee.", "Kind of gross.\nYou're making me wonder", "if this pizza is worth\nthe 22-hour drive.", "Just like old times!", "I feel so young again\nexcept for the chest pains.", "But the crust is so good.", "What is the secret\nto this crust?", "It's no big secret.", "It's made of cornmeal.", "Cornmeal...", "We'd love a\ncornmeal body scrub!", "I can't believe\nyou guys are closing.", "I can't believe\nwe're still open.", "Gotcha!", "These are getting bigger.", "It's like an entire country\nwithout a tailor.", "Yeah, give me\ntwo coffees.", "$3.50, please.", "Hey, what did you think of\nthe game last night?", "What game?", "The Leafs beat Edmonton.", "Beauchemin went five hole in OT.", "Oh, I guess I missed it.", "Oh, sorry. You're American.", "Here's your change.", "I'm not American.", "American money?", "Didn't watch the Leafs game?", "No \"please\" or \"thank you\"\nfor the coffee?", "You sure don't seem\nlike a Canadian.", "What's wrong?\nOther than the fact", "that this five-dollar bill\nthey gave you is blue.", "Wow. I'm not American,", "and apparently,\nI'm not Canadian either.", "And there's kids\nplaying hokey on the back.", "It's like you want us\nto make fun of you.", "I don't want this anymore.", "Dude, don't look at it.\nThat's a rookie mistake.", "We shouldn't have left Lily.", "Well, if you're so worried,", "why don't you give her a call?", "I have.\nI left her, like, 20 messages.", "I said, \"I'm sorry.\nPlease forgive me.", "It's all Ted's fault!\"", "What exactly is \"Ted's fault\"?", "This! This whole thing!", "We were having\na perfectly nice trip,", "and then you kidnapped me.", "You didn't even let me\nput on underwear!", "We never used to\nput on underwear!", "That was the fun of a\nbro's trip to Gazzola's!", "We left everything,\nand everyone behind.", "It was just you and me!", "But now it's like you've\ndisappeared into Lily.", "That is not true.", "It is true. You're not upset", "because you're worried she's\nmad. You're upset because", "you'd rather be with her,\neating muffins", "than here with me,\neating this delicious...", "I think one of my mushrooms\njust crawled away.", "Well, you know what?", "That mushroom's not the only\nthing that's leaving.", "Car keys, please.", "Look at this money!", "This one has a moose,\nthis one has a beaver,", "and they all have\nElton John on the back.", "When I moved to the States,", "I swore to myself,\nI wasn't going to change.", "And yet, here I am, in the most\nCanadian place in the universe--", "Tim Horton's-- around the corner\nfrom the Hockey Hall of Fame,", "and I don't belong.", "It's like I don't\nhave a country.", "Okay, that's it.", "Attention, Canada!", "I am Barney from America.", "And I'm here to fix\nyour backward-ass country.", "get real money.", "Don't know what board game this\ncame from, but it's a \"jhoke.\"", "Number two--\nand this is the biggie--", "Quit letting awesome chicks like\nRobin Scherbatsky get away", "because, guess what?", "You don't want her?\nI'm planting my flag in her--", "if you know what I mean,\nwhich you probably don't--", "and getting her\nthe hell out of here.", "You may now return\nto being pointless.", "Ah, this coffee is excellent.", "Oh. Hey, fellas.", "It's called a \"tie.\"", "Sparky was my best friend,\nbut after I married Helen,", "old Spark started to feel\na little left out.", "For so long,\nit had been just me and him,", "but now he suddenly felt\nlike Helen had taken his place.", "What Sparky didn't realize was,\neven though I loved Helen,", "I still loved him, too.", "I had room in my heart\nfor both of them.", "But maybe\nI should have put aside", "some special ball-tossing time\njust for the two of us", "to make sure Sparky knew\nthat he was a good boy.", "I wish now I had,", "'cause old Sparky ran out\nin front of a Cadillac", "and got splattered\nlike a watermelon", "in one of them Gallagher shows.", "I'm sorry, Ted!\nI'm sorry!", "No, I'm sorry.", "I never should have\nbeen mad at you!", "No, I never should\nhave brought Lily.", "She pees all the time,\neven at the apartment.", "Still bros?", "Best bros.", "Hey, you want to crank some\nVan Halen just like old times?", "Hells, yeah!", "Or listen to the\nSparky book again?", "Listen to the\nSparky book again.", "Okay. Let's listen\nto it again.", "Man, those Canadian\ndoctors banded me up,", "reset my jaw, put my shoulder\nback in its socket,", "and they didn't even bill me.\nIdiots.", "All right,\nI guess they're not idiots.", "The coffee was extraordinary.", "Huh.", "I guess Canada's not so bad.", "They play their cards right,", "maybe they can even\nbecome a state someday.", "Barney, I've thought about this.", "When you stood up and\ntold off those people,", "I thought, \"Yeah, America's cool.\"\nHmm.", "And then when those guys\npounded the stuffing out of you,", "I thought, \"Yeah, Canada's\npretty cool, too.\"", "I-I may have taken\na few pokes myself.", "So, I've decided,\ndual citizenship.", "I'm going\nto be American and Canadian.", "Wait, you can do that?", "Yeah, dummy.", "Instead of being a woman\nwith no country,", "I'm going to be\na woman with two.", "I see.", "You understand?", "No, I can see out\nof my left eye again.", "Hey, baby?", "Baby?", "Hmm? Yeah?", "I'm so sorry\nthat we left you.", "Did you go somewhere, sweetie?", "Yes, kids, it turns out\nCrumpet Manor", "had pampered Lily into a nearly\ncomatose state of relaxation.", "She didn't even notice\nwe were gone.", "Mmm....", "...", "Oh, oh, oh...", "Yeah...", "So, I had a great time, too.", "That's good.", "And I'm so sorry you\ndidn't get any pizza.", "Oh, that's okay.", "And if she didn't mean it then,", "she certainly meant it\n19 minutes later.", "God, my stomach!", "Damn you, Gozzola's!", "It's like a hot ball of lead!", "Baby, cut it out of me.", "That was a wild\ntrip, huh, Ted?", "I know. It was\nkind of crazy.", "But how great is it\nto drink some Tantrum again?", "You know who had\nfun, was Lily.", "Lily drank like, four\ncans of the stuff.", "Right, Lil?", "Where's Lily?", "Tantrum!", "I have to pee."], "How I Met Your Mother S05E06 Bagpipes": ["NARRATOR: In the fall of 2009,\na new couple had moved in upstairs.", "We hadn't met them yet,", "but we could hear them,\nall the time.", "They were always...", "Well, kids, let's just say\nthey were always", "\"playing the bagpipes.\"", "Okay, this is ridiculous.", "I can't believe those\ntwo are still bagpiping.", "I know. It's been six hours.", "Must be that tantric bagpiping\nthat Sting is into.", "She keeps yelling out for him\nto play the bagpipes harder,", "but it sounds like he's\nbagpiping her pretty hard.", "There's a glass of water\nin my bedroom", "that's vibrating\nlike Jurassic Park.", "You have neighbors!", "Shut the bagpipes up!", "I decided to go to the bar\nto get some peace and quie", "That didn't work out so well.", "Ted, I hate to have", "to be the one\nto tell you this.", "Marshall and Lily\nare getting a divorce.", "No, they're not.\nJust listen", "to what I witnessed yesterday.", "Baby, you mind washing that?", "No problem.", "I should go.", "She makes him wash his dishes\nright away, Ted.", "I give 'em two,\nmaybe, three weeks tops.", "Barney, that's not a big deal.\nAnd it's certainly", "not a big enough deal for you\nto be holding my hands.", "They're in big trouble, Ted.", "I see what's going on.", "You, my friend, are suffering\nfrom a little known condition--", "\"little known\" because I just\nmade it up--", "called New Relationship\nSmugness.", "You and Robin are\nin the honeymoon phase.", "Everything's perfect.", "Every song on the radio's\nabout you.", "Every other couple sucks.", "Enjoy it.\nN.R.S. doesn't last forever.", "It does when\nyou're this awesome.", "Hey, check it out.\nRobin and I have been", "keeping a tally of how many beds\nwe've done it in.", "We're up to 83-and-a-half.", "A half?", "19 century ottoman", "in an antique shop.", "Hey.\nHey, what'up?", "Hey, tiger.", "How ya holding up?\nDo you need a hug?", "You want to talk\nabout yesterday?", "Safe space.", "Barney thinks Lily\nasking you to wash your dishes", "right away is a sign your\nmarriage is crumbling. What?", "Why?", "Lily likes a clean sink,\nso I do the dishes", "right away;\nwhat's the big deal?", "I'll tell you\nwhat the big deal is.", "You know how I was always\nthe best at being single?", "No.\nNo.", "Well, now I am the best\nat relationships.", "Even better than you and Lily.", "Aw, look at you.", "Had a girlfriend for five\nminutes, you think you can", "play with the big boys--\nadorable. Son...", "I've been in a relationship\nsince you had a ponytail", "and were playing Dave Matthews\non your mama's Casio.", "I'm a good boyfriend", "in my sleep.\nI can rock a killer foot rub", "with one hand and brew a\nkick-ass pot of chamomile", "in the other that\nwould make you weep.", "Hell,", "I've forgotten more\nabout microwaving", "fat-free popcorn\nand watching", "Sandra Bullock movies\nthan you'll ever know,", "but thanks for\nyour concern, rook.", "Mashall, let me ask you\none question.", "Sure.", "Do you mind if there is\nsink full of dirty dishes?", "Not really.", "Then it's Lily's problem,\nnot yours.", "Yeah, but if I said\nthat to her,", "it would only lead to a fight, so...\nOh.", "You fight.", "See, Robin and I never fight.", "Of course you do.\nNo.", "And here's the secret:\nevery time it looks like", "we're about to get\ninto a fight...", "Um, why is there", "a bag of panties labeled\n\"April 2008\" in your closet?", "So any time you think\nyou might have a fight", "you just get up and leave?", "100% effective.", "Can't fight\nif you're not there.", "That's what Gandhi taught us.", "Boy, that's not true.", "I can't believe that\nRobin puts up with that.", "Oh, don't worry.", "She's got a great way\nto avoid fights, too.", "Um, are ties\nmachine washable?", "No, they most certainly\nare not. Why?", "What is in your hand?", "Oh, my God,\nwhat's in your hand?!", "Okay, so you walk away.", "Robin gets naked.", "Those are the two\nstupidest ways", "to handle conflict\nI've ever heard.", "Actually, the naked\nthing ain't bad.", "That felt kind of weird.\nOkay, call me crazy.", "But when a problem comes up,\nLily and I", "actually talk about it.", "There are so many great things\nto do withhe human mouth.", "Why waste it on talking?", "But if you insist,\nhere's what I would say", "about the dishes\nif I were Lily's husband.", "Barney, you're home!", "Dude... Get to the point!", "All right.", "Thanks, doll.", "Sweetie, are you\ngoing to wash that?", "I'm glad you bring that up. No.", "And here's why.", "Lily, I know you don't\nlike a dirty sink.", "But does that make it my job\nto keep it clean?", "I mean, if one day", "I look up\nat the living room ceiling", "and think,\n\"Hey, I'd like a replica", "of the Sistine Chapel up there.\"", "Would it be your job\nto paint it?", "Well, no.\nOf course not.", "Exactly! So, baby,\nby the same logic,", "if you don't like looking\nat a sink full of dishes,", "Shouldn't it be your job to clean them?", "Wow. Thanks for\nexplaining that.", "I get so confused.", "That's because\nyou're a woman.", "I don't even know\nwhy we're laughing!", "Of course you don't.", "You're kidding me with this.", "Hang on, Ted.", "Let's hear the man out.", "Once I have her attention,", "it's time\nto bring out the big guns.", "Look, I love you.", "But, baby, with the little\nenergy I have left after work,", "I want to shower you with love,", "not wash some silly dishes.", "You're right.\nI'll do the dishes.", "Right after I do this.", "Oh, yeah.", "Now turn around.", "Firm.", "Oh, yeah.", "Are you going to\nhit him or should I?", "He's right.", "No, he's not.\nMarshall, look at me.", "Do not get drawn into\nBarney Stinson's circus tent", "of funhouse mirrors\nand flawed logic.", "This is exactly how you got\nthe earring back in '03.", "Hey, that earring looked cool.", "It did look\ncool, didn't it?", "Marshall, stay with me!\nBarney is wrong.", "No, he isn't.", "I hate doing my\ndishes right away.", "You just said\nyou don't mind!", "I hate it, Ted!", "I hate it", "with a boundless,\nburning fury!", "I hate it, I hate\nit, I hate it!", "You're welcome.", "Hey, guys.", "Hey.\nOh, good.", "There you are.", "You'll tell me the truth.", "Barney says\nthat you two never fight.", "Huh. I guess\nthat's true.", "Told ya.", "No way.\nI love you both,", "but you are the two most\nemotionally ill-equipped", "individuals in the history\nof relationships.", "You two must have had\nat least one fight.", "You know what?\nWe did.", "Aha!\nROBIN: Mm-hmm.", "There was\none small dispute", "about which one of\nus was more awesome.", "We just called it a tie and had sex.", "Speaking of which, I am so glad\nwe're going skiing this weekend.", "I need a break.", "The upstairs neighbors\nare driving me crazy.", "Yeah, it's bad.", "I'm gonna say\nsomething to them.", "Thank you.\nGreat.", "Okay, we all have", "our assignments\nfor the weekend.", "Ted, you're going to stand up\nto your neighbors.", "Marshall, you're going\nto stand up to Lily.", "And Robin, I'm gonna need yo\nin sort of a crouched position", "on the bear-skin rug\nat our ski chalet. Ready?", "Break!", "Bye, guys.Bye.", "Have fun.", "Barney.", "With his crazy, well-\nthought-out theories", "that probably would work.", "Marshall, I'm just gonna\nsay this one more time.", "It's a bad idea.", "I think it could work.", "Okay, two more times.\nIt's a bad idea.", "Listen, Barney lays out\nsome logical points", "Lily is a\nreasonable woman.", "I think that if I\nexplain it to her,", "she'll get it and\nI'll get my way.", "Uh, no.\nShe'll get mad,", "and you'll get\nin a huge fight.", "Slap bet?\nSlap bet.", "Baby, could you wash your dishes?", "Lily, I'm glad\nthat you bring that up.", "Can I stay here tonight?", "Hop it on the sofa, buddy.", "The ski bunnies\nare back!", "(Both laughing)\nHey, guys.", "(Smooching loudly)\nHow was your trip?", "So perfect.", "We just spent the whole\nweekend cuddling by the fire.", "No black diamonds,", "but a lot of red hearts.\nAw...", "Okay, I'm gonna\ngo unpack.", "Hey, you.\nYeah?", "Oh, man.", "What the hell has\ngotten into you two?", "When did you become\nso nauseating?", "Isn't it great\nto finally see her fulfilled", "emotionally, spiritually\nand sexually?", "Um, I dated her\nfor a year.", "Yeah.", "Anyway,\nhow was your weekend?", "Terrible, and it's all\nyour fault, okay?", "I took your stup advice!", "Baby, could you\nwash your dishes?", "Lily, I'm glad\nthat you bring that up.", "No, and here is why...", "Okay.", "So, it's like this, okay?", "Yeah, sure.\nYou want me", "to go ahead\nand wash my dish.", "But maybe...", "I want you...", "to paint\nthe ceiling, right?", "Like, maybe I should say,", "\"Okay, yeah.\nI'll wash my dish", "\"if you get up there", "and just--you paint\nnaked babies on the ceiling.\"", "You know?\nIt just like...", "I don't know what happened.", "I'm a lawyer.", "I argue for a living,", "but when it comes to Lily,\nI just get all... flustered.", "How could you not?", "I mean, the girl's\nall eyes and boobs.", "What happened to the \"I'm tired\nafter my draining day,", "I want to use my left over energy", "showering you\nwith love\" argument?", "I should have written that down.", "Look, Lily, I...", "I make more money than you.", "Excuse me?!", "Dance for me.", "Oh, Marshall.", "Dude.", "It all made so much sense\nwhen you said it,", "but when I said it,\nit turned into a fight.", "And once Lily and I\nstart fighting,", "the fight starts to mutate\nand multiply.", "MARSHALL:Sure, it started\nwith the dishes, but then...", "So you're saying that you\nshouldn't have to wash dishes", "because you work\nharder than me?", "Okay, that's not\nwhat I'm saying--", "but it's true.", "And then all of sudden,\nwe're also fighting", "about who works harder.", "I teach kindergarten.", "I am molding the future\nleaders of tomorrow.", "You eat cookies and glue stuff.", "And soon more fights spinn off.", "I can't believe you'd rather\nbe killed...", "Until there are\nmore fights going on", "than you can even\nkeep track of.", "If you need to go in the middle\nof the night,", "either turn the bathroom\nlight on or sit down.", "My mother\ndoes not hate you.", "She is neutral\nabout you.", "I am not scared of\nyour Shining impression.", "I just don't need to hear\nit, especially at night.", "(Gravelly voice):\nDanny's not here,", "Mrs. Torrance.", "Please don't do that.", "Man, Lily fights dirty.", "She's small\nbut vicious like a badger", "that your brother's caught\nand starved for five days", "and then put\nin your sleeping bag.", "I should just go home\nand apologize.", "No. What you need\nis a surge.", "Fight harder.", "Picture it, Marshall,", "never having to wash another dish\nas long as you live,", "yet all the dishes\nare always clean.", "Why, this would take all the anxiety\nout of snacking.", "No more holding\nopen your shirt", "to form a makeshift bowl\nfor your salty treats.", "That world is\nyours, Marshall.", "Reach out, take it.", "dip it in some\nranch dressing, enjoy.", "He's right.", "No!", "Barney's stupid ideas", "are what got you\ninto this quagmire.", "There's no exit strategy.\nJust wash your stupid dishes.", "No! Those dishes are my manhood!", "And if I want to leave my\nmanhood dirty in the sink,", "caked with ketchup and pasta...", "What are you eating?", "...then damn it,\nthat's my right!", "I'll wash my manhood\nwhen I'm good and ready!", "Where was he not sitting?", "Hey, Barnstormer.", "He Ro-Ro.\nOoh!", "Okay, now you have\nadorable nicknames?", "Seriously, what's going on\nwith your two?", "Nothing. We're just happy.", "It's like Gandhi said,", "\"A smile don't cost nothing, sugar.\"\nMm-hmm.", "I'm not sure you know\nwho Gandhi is.", "So, um, Ted, did you\ntalk to our neighbors?", "Yes, yeah, I did.", "I went up there ready\nto set them straight.", "They're old?", "Really old.", "So what did you do?", "Well, I didn't have the heart\nto tell them to stop,", "because, well, good for them.", "So I just weomed them\nto the building,", "had a hard candy,", "nodded politely at some racist\ncomments and then left.", "Over the next couple of days", "Barney and Robin continued\nto be happier than ever.", "And Marshall and Lily\ncontinued to fight.", "I don't care if\nthe dishes aren't done.", "Okay, if you care, you do it.", "Great. Then I don't care\nif you have an orgasm.", "If you care, you do it.", "I went 18 years without\nthe touch of a woman.", "I can do it again.", "You might have to.", "And I continued to hear\nmore bagpiping", "than a St. Patty's Day parade.", "I don't know what to do.", "Lily and I have never\nhad a fight this long.", "It's like I don't\neven exist.", "On Sunday morning,\nshe made pancake, Ted.", "Pancake and bacon strip.", "It's your own fault.", "You took relationship\nadvice from Barney.", "Well, maybe Barney\nhas it all figured out.", "He and Ro-Ro are\nthe best couple now.", "Lily and I have\nbeen dethroned.", "You know what,\nI'm not buying it.", "All that cutesy,\nlovey-dovey crap,", "that's not them.", "And I know for a fact\nthat Robin hates nicknames.", "Thanks, Robbsy-wobbsy.", "Yeah, I don't do nicknames.", "Finished with the\nsports page, Sherbs?", "Seriously, stop.", "Hey, Robin, it's T-Mose.", "Yeah, I don't like them\non you either.", "Well, she obviously\nlikes them now.", "And, come on", "somebody had to put\nan end to T-Mose.", "No, T-Mose was awesome.", "I'm thinking\nof bringing it back.", "Bagpiping sounds\na little different today.", "It's all echo-y.", "Yeah. They're\nin the bathroom.", "I think they're bagpiping\non the shower chair.", "And just like that, I realized", "exactly how to get the real\nscoop on Barney and Robin.", "Oh, hey, Ted.\nHow are Marshall and Lily?", "I worry about those two,\nI really do.", "You and your\nbig, giant heart.", "Okay, enough.\nThe jig is up.", "Ted, whatever do you mean?", "Who's this guy?", "We'll get to that.", "You see, I knew\nsomething was wrong.", "You two were too happy,\ntoo shiny, too nickname-y.", "Didn't add up.", "You two never fight?", "Horse apples.", "You fight all... the... time.", "How would you know that?", "Phil told me.", "Who the hell is Phil?", "Your downstairs neighbor.", "Hi. I'm Phil. 12-B.", "And he's heard everything.", "So Phil tells me that\nRo-Ro and the Barnstormer", "have been\nfighting... a lot.", "Care to explain?", "Okay. Everything\nwas going great.", "Our no-fighting techniques\nwere working perfectly", "until we went on that ski trip\nlast weekend.", "So I showed Marshall\nthat Lily's argument was bananas", "and now he'll never have\nto wash another dish.", "High two.", "That's terrible advice.", "You agree with Lily?", "You...", "BARNEY: Oh, no.\nWe're about to get in a fight,", "and I can't run away.", "ROBIN:\nI can't take my clothes off.", "It's freezing up here.\nI get hypothermia.", "Maybe I can jump it?\nMaybe just my pants?", "This no-fighting thing is over, huh?\nI think so.", "How could you possibly agree with Lily?!\nI can't believe that you made Lily get in a fight about this!", "She's shorter than him!", "And it didn't end there.", "We've been fighting\never since.", "All those fights we\nkept not having--", "they all came back around.", "The bag of panties...", "The tie Robin murdered.", "The tiny camera I\nfound in the headboard.", "That's how a\nquarterback stays sharp.", "Monday morning, he sits\non a bag of ice", "and studies the game tape.\nBarney for the millionth time...", "You don't get to be as good as I am...\nusing football analogies...", "Whoo, yeah!", "Without reviewing the fundamentals", "and studying technique!\nDoes not make it any less creepy.", "I knew it! I knew you guys were acting\ntoo cute and perfect!", "Look, we were just sick\nof everyone pointing out", "how crappy at\nrelationships we both are.", "Yeah, it was sort of nice\nto be the perfect couple for a minute.", "TED:\nI knew you were lying.", "You got to wake up pretty early\nto slip one by the T-Mose.", "Stop it.", "LILY (singsong voice):\nMarshall, dinner's ready.", "Did you-- did you make\nany for me?", "No, but it's\nyour favorite.", "(Sighing):\nHey.", "We need your advice.", "NARRATOR:\nSo Barney and Robin told Lily and Marshall", "all about their fighting.", "And let's just say,\nthat in comparison,", "their little dishes spat\nseemed pretty tame.", "And by the end,", "Lily and Marshall\nboth had the same reaction.", "I'll wash my dishes right away\nfrom now until the day I die.", "I don't care when\nyou wash the dishes.", "But if it's something\ncheese-based like a nice ziti,", "at least soak it, okay?\nOf course, baby.", "Oh, I love you.", "I love you, too.\nROBIN: See?", "Right there,\nhow did you just do that?", "How'd you just\nfix everything?", "I don't know.", "I guess sometimes you just\nhave to set your ego aside.", "Yeah. An-And remember\nat the love that you have", "for that other person is way\nmore important than winning.", "More important\nthan winning", "Stop, stop it.", "Seriously,\nwhat's the secret?", "Okay, look, the honeymoon period\nmay be over,", "but now you can get\ninto the real stuff.", "And honestly,", "that's the best part.", "Good night.", "So what do\nwe do now?", "I guess we got to\nstart talking more", "and get into\nthe real stuff.", "Yeah.", "Or there's a bench\nin the elevator.", "Ooh, that's better.\nMm-hmm.", "Hey, so what if we're not\nthe best couple in the world?", "Totally. It's not a competition.\nNo.", "We win!", "Best couple in the world!", "Whoo, yeah!", "Guess what?", "These glasses", "are plastic.", "So we can just\nthrow them away.", "That means no dirty\ndishes in the sink.", "Mm, you're dirty.", "Maybe I should leave\nyou in the sink.", "NARRATOR: And once that first\nargument got worked out,", "all those other arguments,", "well, they got better, too."], "How I Met Your Mother S05E07 The Rough Patch": ["Kids, as long as I'd known\nyour Uncle Barney,", "he'd always had some\npretty strong opinions", "on relationships", "Your girlfriend?", "She's your girl friend?!", "She's a girl\nand a friend?", "Don\u0092t humanize\nthe enemy, Ted.", "But nice to meet you.", "Barney Stinson.", "And yet,\nin the fall of 2009,", "he was the one\nwith the girlfriend.", "Go ahead.\nOpen it.", "Open it! Open it!\nOpen it! Open it!", "It's my porn collection!", "Just kidding.\nThat would be weird.", "It's your porn collection.", "It's my porn collection!\nI'm giving you my porn.", "Now that things are\nso great with Robin,", "I don't need it anymore.", "Wow, you are voluntarily...", "giving up your porn?", "You really are serious.", "Yeah, well, that's obvious.\nWhat does that mean?", "Oh, nothing,\nit's just, you know,", "you got relationship gut.", "What?! No, I do not\n\"got relationship gut.\"", "That is ridiculous.", "It's no big deal. I mean, once you're\ndating someone,", "it's natal to let\nthings go a little bit.", "Trust me,\nwe've been there.", "Yeah. Boy, did i\npudge you out for a while.", "Well, we should get going.", "Good-bye, my sweet,\nbeloved friends.", "You have always\nbeen there for me.", "You'll be missed.", "He's talking to the porn.", "Oh.", "Bye, Robin. See you, Robs.\nBye, guys.", "God, look at these videos.", "Space Orgy?", "Horny Co-Ed Surprise Party 23?", "You'd think after\nthe first 22 parties,", "the co-eds wouldn't be\nsurprised anymore.", "So, uh...", "we can get rid\nof these for you.", "Yeah.\nNo. No-no-no-no-no-no.", "It's not a problem.\nI'll-I'll take care of them.", "Are you sure?\nMm-hmm.", "I mean, no biggie. We can just\nswing by the back alley", "and drop the box\nin the Dumpster.", "I see six of the words you just\nid on this video label.", "Seriously, it's not a big deal.\nI will take care of it.", "No, 'cause I, I mean...\nLeave them!", "Okay.", "You know, in a way\nit sad, right?", "I mean, Barney's\ngiving up his porn.", "He's got relationship gut.", "They eat at the same\ndiner every night.", "It-it's, like, the end of Barney Stinson\nas we know him.", "Yeah, well, so what? They're happy.\nYeah, well, we gotta go.", "Later. Bye.\nBye-bye.", "So what'd you get?\nI got Squat.", "What are you...?\nI thought I saw you take one.", "Yeah, I did.\nIt's called Squat.", "Hmm...", "ArchiSexTure.", "That is not how you spell\n\"Buckminster Fuller.\"", "Kids, pornography is bad,", "and so I was\ngetting rid of that", "vile pornography right away...", "I am getting rid of this vile\npornography right away.", "...when something terrible\nhappened.", "Oh, no.", "Oh, no.", "Oh, no.", "Oh, no.", "ArchiSexTure...", "Hello, Ted.", "If you are watching this tape--\nand I knew you'd pick this one--", "then you are now\nin possession of my porn.", "This can only mean\none of two things:", "either I'm dead, or m\nin a committed relationship.", "If I'm dead,\nI want you to honor my memory", "by taking my body\nto the Hamptons", "and recreating\nWeekend at Bernie's.", "I want to dance.", "I want to have sex with a girl.", "And I want to go fishing.", "If, on the other hand, I'm\nin a committed relationship,", "then as your best friend,\nI have only one request:", "please, for the love of God,", "get  out of it!", "I might look happy,\nbut don't believe it.", "Barney Stinson\nis meant to be single.", "So please, if you value", "my best-friendship--\nthat's right, Marshall,", "I'm his best friend,\nhow does that feel?--", "then get me out of this.", "And finally, since you were\nexpecting some porn...", "No, no, no baby,\ndon't worry.", "The flashing green\nlight means it's off.", "Are we sure he was\nfinished talking?", "Look, there's\nreason we should", "take this seriously, right?\nOf course not.", "This is an old tape.", "Barney is happy with Robin.", "But over the next couple weeks,\nI started to notice things.", "Barney and Robin stopped having\ncrazy adventures.", "So what'd you guys\ndo last night?", "I wanted to go\nto a concert.", "He wanted to go\nto a party.", "Obviously, we couldn't\ndo what just one of us wanted,", "so we just stayed in,\nwatched a movie on", "It was Legen--\nwait for it--", "ds of the Fall.", "Legends of the Fall!", "It was okay.", "Barney stopped being himself.", "Hey, Barney, I'm, uh, I'm\nchatting up this girl", "over there, and I could use a\nlittle help landing the plane.", "Sorry, Ted, I'm my own\nwingman tonight.", "And Robin got annoyed\nat everything he said.", "So, how are u two?", "So great.\nOh... shut up.", "Relationships are the best.\nShut up.", "Shut up, shut up, shut up...\nThe sharing, the compromise,", "The monogamy, can't beat it.\nCatchphrase! Yes!", "But the worse they got...", "I'm full... sweetie.", "...the more they kept saying\nthings were great.", "Now, the truth is,\nBarney and Robin", "only kind of let themselves go\na little bit.", "But I swear, after a few more weeks,", "to us, they seemed like this.", "I'll be there...", "in a minute.", "Hey.", "They're killing each other.\nThey love each other.", "Barney and Robin\nlove each other,", "but they're not Barney\nand Robin anymore.", "They're the fat guy\nand the old lady.", "My favorite '70s detective show.", "Look, it's so ear.", "Barney's been overeating", "because he hates being\ntied down like this.", "And Robin's stressing out\nbecause she hates", "what Barney's turned into.", "No, they're a perfect match.", "Well, maybe that's the problem.", "Maybe they're too similar.", "It must be tough having", "two alpha dogs\nin one relationship.", "We have two alpha dogs in our relationship.", "Sure we do, sweetie.", "If they're not happy,", "why don't they just break up?", "Because they're too stubborn.", "Neither one of them\nwants to be the first", "to admit that they want out.", "They're playing\nRelationship Chicken.", "I think Barney ate\nthe relationship chicken.", "Ted, it's just a rough patch.", "It takes time getting used\nto being with someone else.", "And they're both...", "What the nice word for selfish?\nIndependent.", "Independent.", "Every relationship\ngoes through this.", "It's true, um,\nI have this astronaut friend--", "totally loved his fianc\u00e9e.", "And then, the day before his\nmission she caught him", "with, like, four other chicks,\na couple of dudes.", "Things got really tense.", "Um, finally, she ended up", "sneaking onto the space\nshuttle...", "Are you talking about Space Orgy?\nYes, I am.", "Ted, it's just a rough patch.", "Just let things\nrun their course.", "She's right.\nBut...", "Two-to-one, Ted.\nLeave them alone", "So I did leave them alone.\nBut that weekend...", "Have you noticed how beef ribs\nused to always be disgusting,", "and then recently,\nthey found a way", "to make them really\ndelicious instead?", "Okay, Barney, I'm going to go\nahead and ask you this head-on", "Are you happy with Robin?", "Are you kidding?!", "How could I not be happy\nwith Robin?", "It's Robin!\nSo are you happy?", "I can't believe you would even\nask me that.", "I mean, yes,\nwe fight all the time,", "but you know what they say\nabout relationships:", "Every moment's a battle.", "So are you happy?\nDo you know what goes", "hand in hand with fighting?", "The makeup sex.", "Which is different", "when you're in a loving,\nlong-term relationship.", "Heads we have sex,", "tail we order a whole pizza\nand just lay here moaning.", "Oh, great.\nLet the coin decide.", "Which was pizza again?\nTails.", "It was tails.", "Sex-- am I right?", "Thank God that's mostly over.", "I'm still hungry.", "You hungry?", "We have to break them up.", "You're right.\nBarney and Robin", "are miserable together,", "but they're too stubborn\nto admit it.", "So we had to get them\nto break up.", "How do we do that?\nWe unleash...", "the Kraken.", "Kids, as you know,\nearlier that year", "I'd learned that Lily had\nbroken up not one,", "not two, but seven\nof my past relationships.", "Forget it.\nI'm retired.", "I'm out of the game.\nBut nobody's better than you.", "I'm telling you,\nI swore off that rocket.", "I've gone legit.", "I'm a matchmaker now.", "Set me up with someone.\nWhoa, I'm just starting out.", "Please. You've, you've\ngot to break them up.", "This relationship\nis killing them.", "I know it is,\nbut I've learned my lesson.", "No more interfering.", "Let things run their course.", "It's two-to-one.\nYes, but t one is me.", "All right, we don't need her.", "We can break them up on our own.\nHow?", "Okay remember when\nRobin and I were dating?", "What was the one big thing that\nreally freaked her out?", "No, no, no, no, no--Ted, you can't.", "No! No-no-no!", "What are you talking about?", "This! This is\nwhat I'm talking about.", "What is this doing\nin my champagne?", "If we make Robin think", "for even a second\nthat Barney is proposing,", "she'll lose it\nand they'll break up.", "That's crazy.\nWhy don't we just,", "uh, like, lead Barney\ninto temptation?", "We'll find some hot woman\nhit on him...", "Okay, the ring thing.", "Stakeout van.\nWhat?", "We should've gotten\na stakeout van.", "We could've ordered pizza,", "look through\nbig binoculars and said,", "\"This ain't what I signed up\nfor,\" stuff like that.", "Shh, here\ncomes the waiter.", "Please shut up.", "What?", "Oh, I thought\nyou said something, sorry.", "Is that an engagement ring?", "Are you...?", "Oh, no. No.\nThat is not .", "They must have delivered it\nto the wrong table.", "Can you imagine", "us getting married?", "Well, we are committed\nto each other.", "Most of your stuff is", "already at my apartment.", "It might make taxes easier.", "It'd speed up your citizenship.", "\"Scherbatsky\"\nis so hard to spell.", "My mom would be so happy.", "Yeah, I guess so.\nYeah, no reason not to.", "We're getting married!\nNot so loud, geez.", "What did you do?", "I am furious right now!", "This is so wrong!", "Lily, will you be\nmy maid of honor?", "Oh, my God! I would love to!", "Are you out of your mind?!", "You knew they were playing\nRelationship Chicken,", "And what did you do?", "You put an engagement ring\nin front of them!", "Okay, that's it.", "I'm taking over.", "Coming out of retirement\nfor one, last breakup.", "Oh-ho! All right.\nOh, yes!", "How are we going to do it?", "These guys are in so deep,", "just one fight\nain't going to do it.", "We need", "to reignite\nthe four biggest fights", "they've ever been in\nall at once.", "Number one:\nThe Battle of the Dirty Dishes.", "Number two:\nThe Ex-Girlfriend Conflict.", "Hey.", "Don't you know\nthat girl over there?", "No, I don't think .", "No, in fact,", "I have definitely not--\nOh, hey, it's Meg.", "Wow, I am certainly not comparing you two\nin my mind right now.", "Whoops! Hey, will you get that for me, please?\nReally?", "What's the problem? I'm not... Why do you keep--\nYou're embarrassing me in public.", "You\u0092re constantly putting me in these positions.\nOh, my God...", "Number three:\nThe Star Wars Altercation.", "Isn't it time you got\nrid of your stupid doll?", "It's not a doll.\nIt's a Storm Trooper.", "Uh, he's wearing a diaper.", "It's not a diaper, Robin,\nit's protective armor.", "Storm Trooper?\nMore like storm-pooper.", "Stop it.\nOh!", "Oh, it sounds like\nyour storm-pooper here", "needs a changing. Okay, you know what?\nI'm sick of it.", "What? I didn't say anything. I'm sick of the jokes--\nthe joke about the magic,", "the joke about the stormtrooper...\nI can't... I can't joke?", "And of course the biggie:", "The Canadian/American War.", "Thank God that song's over.", "Who the hell was\nthat old lady singing?", "Okay, you know that Neil Young\nis my favorite musician.", "Right. Now, was that the same\nold lady who played", "Archie Bunker's wife\nin All in the Family,", "or just sound-alike?", "Neil Young is\na Canadian treasure.", "Do not make fun of Neil Young.", "Robin, I would\nnever make fun of", "a defenseless old lady with\nvocal cord paralysis... ever.", "Oh, here we go. In public? Really? In\npublic? Yeah, in public. I'll go there.", "What's the problem? Everything I say...\nWe're gonna have a fight in public?", "I got it.", "I got it.\nWe e-mail them pictures", "reminding them\nof each of these fights.", "You child.", "Here's how it goes down.", "They're at the diner...", "First, rekindling", "the Canadian-American debate,", "Ontario native Alan Thicke\nstops by the table.", "TED & MARSHALL:\nWhoa! Whoa!", "Whoa-whoa-whoa!\nWhoa! Whoa! Whoa!", "Alan Thicke?", "Oh, right.\nRobin knew him", "back when she was a singer.", "Yeah, and they still\nkeep in touch.", "I already got his number\noff her phone.", "Seriously... amateurs.", "So Alan Thicke restarts", "the Canada-U.S. fight.", "Right at that moment,", "Crazy Meg shows up.", "Then, a stormtrooper happens\nto walk by the window.", "And just when they can't take\nanything more,", "a busboy walks by", "with a tray full of what?", "Dirty dishes.", "* Murder", "* Climb aboard\nthe murder train... *", "Lily.", "This is your masterpiece.", "We're getting a stakeout van!", "A station wagon?", "Really? You rented\na station wagon?", "Yeah, a van cost,\nlike, 25 bucks more.", "A station wagon?", "Greetings, Will Robinson!", "Where's the birthday\nboy or girl?", "Hey, climb on in.", "What the hell is this?", "Oh, they didn't have\nany stormtroopers,", "so I had to get a different\nrobot; this'll still work.", "Different robot?", "Stormtroopers\naren't robots.", "Of course\nthey're robots!", "\"Must kill Luke Skywalker.\"", "Um, nobody says that\nin Star Wars at all, ever.", "That's a really lousy\nrobot voice, honey.", "Someone order an\nextra large sausage?", "Hey, one of Barney's videos\nstarts off just like that.", "Hey, guys, Barney's ordering...\nfive of something.", "I don't know if\nit's gonna fit in here.", "Okay, now you're\njust quoting the video.", "Still ordering.", "Waiter's taking out\na second pad.", "Yeah, okay, well,\nwe need it in here.", "We're on a stakeout.", "Shouldn't you be in a van?", "Thank you!\nA van cost more.", "Score me a slice, Will Robinson!\nNo, no-no-no!", "You get a stain on that costume,\nthey're gonna charge us.", "Dude, will you just chill\nabout money?", "Yeah, let the stormtrooper\nhave a slice.", "It's not a stormtrooper!", "Hi, Lily", "Sorry I'm late.\nI was looking for a van.", "Thank you!\n$25!", "So should I go\nsay hi to Robin?", "Oh, not yet;\nget in the car.", "Okay, so wait,\nwait, wait.", "When they blew up\nthe Death Star,", "knowing full well\nthere were thousands", "of stormtroopers on it,\nthose were people?", "It was called\nthe Death Star, baby.", "They knew what\nthey were getting into.", "Look, I don't want to play\nthe \"I'm Alan Thicke\" card,", "but I really do have a dinner\nto get to.", "Someone has got to\ntake this sausage!", "Okay, were you in that video?", "Were you the guy\nwith the farmer tan?", "Jonesin' for some 'za,\nWill Robinson!", "Come on, I'm Alan Thicke!", "This ain't what I signed up for.", "Hey! That's what...\nHey, you know what? Everyone, stop!", "Alan Thicke, shut up! Marshall,\nit's a station wagon.", "Get over it!\nTed, stop talking about porn!", "And for the love of God,", "somebody get the stormtrooper\nsome pizza!", "It's not a stormtrooper!", "Crap!", "They see us!", "Danger! Danger!", "Are you sure they saw us?", "Yes.\nHey!", "Can I go talk to Barney now?\nI'm so excited!", "Do you really think\nhe's going to propose to me?", "Oh, honey...", "Forget it, Crazy Meg,\nwe've been made.", "If we try anything now,\nthey're going to know it's us.", "I, I think we should\nall just go home... No!", "This is my masterpiece.", "So what if they saw us?", "It'll still work.", "Stop it. We'll think\nof something else.", "Let me repeat:\n\"I am Alan Thicke.\"", "You're Alan Thicke?!", "No.", "Alan Thicke, you're up.\nGet on out there.", "And so, Lily followed\nthrough with her plan.", "First, Alan Thicke.", "Followed by Crazy Meg.", "Then, the robot.", "And finally, the dirty dishes.", "But by the end of it...", "LILY:\nThey're kissing?", "They shouldn't be kissing!", "Why isn't this working?", "Because they're in love.", "It really was\njust a rough patch.", "What the hell am I doing?", "This whole thing was a mistake.", "So, uh,", "any of you dudes\nwant to get high?", "I never thought I'd be\nsaying this tonight, but...", "to Barney and Robin,\nthe happy couple.", "That was the moment we learned", "that relationships\ntake hard work,", "but eventually,\neverything will work out.", "Oh, hey!\nWhere's Barney?", "Uh, we broke up.", "And that was the moment\nwe unlearned that other lesson", "we had just learned\na few seconds earlier.", "You see, earlier that night,\nwhen Lily thought", "Barney and Robin\nhad spotted her,", "this is what they really saw.", "Why do that fat guy\nand old lady keep sta...?", "Oh, my God. That's us!", "Look at us.", "Did  always look this awful?", "Robin, I'm not happy.", "I mean,", "I wish I was.\nNothing would make me happier", "than being happy, but...", "I'm not.", "What are we doing wrong?", "We love each other.", "I mean, if this don't work,\nwhat will?", "We're so similar.", "We both like scotch.\nWe're both awesome.", "You know, maybe that's it.", "Maybe there's just\ntoo much awesome here.", "Exactly.", "Two awesomes\ncancel each other out,", "and I'm tired of being\ncancelled out.", "Me, too.", "Are we breaking up?", "I think so.", "Ah, crap.", "Now comes the next part.", "The part where you and can't\ngo back to being friends.", "Well, maybe this isn't\na breakup.", "Maybe this is two friends", "getting back together.", "Robin!\nOoh!", "Alan...", "Oh, it's always so great\nto see a fellow hoser.", "Yes! Oh, is true.\nMEG: Barney!", "Good news!\nI forgive you", "for the whole\nrestraining order thing.", "Uh, hi.", "Whoa, is that a stormtrooper?", "That's not a stormtr...\nYou want to get out of here?", "Yeah.", "See you guys.\nOkay.", "See you, Alan.", "So you still on 73rd Street?", "How do you know that?", "Getting back together", "as friends... I like that.", "One more for the road?", "And, I mean, who knows?", "Maybe, when,\nlike, you turn 40,", "if you haven't found anyone...", "Oh, I already have\nthat deal with Ted.", "Oh, right. Stupid.", "Well, maybe when you turn 39,", "if you haven't\nfound anyone...", "It turns out\nthat they really did", "just need to let things\nrun their course.", "So, uh, how's Barney doing?", "He's okay, I think.", "It might be a while before\nhe fully recovers, but. Ooh!", "Did you guys just feel a chill?", "Yeah.", "Daddy's home.", "Well, Robin,\nI'm glad we could catch up.", "Oh, yeah, let's\ndo it again soon.", "I love that you guys\nare still friends", "so long after you\ndid that music video.", "Yeah.\nThe music?", "Oh, the \"Sandcastles\"\nvideo, yes!", "Yes, we did that\ntogether, too.", "What do you mean \"too\"?\nOh, we had this", "failed Canadian\nTV variety show we did.", "That was so embarrassing.", "Imagine what would happen if anybody\never got their hands on that?"], "How I Met Your Mother S05E08 The Playbook": ["NARRATOR: Kids, the secret\nto dating is very simple:", "Be confident, be comfortable\nin your skin,", "be assured of who you are.", "Uncle Barney was really good\nat that last one,", "even though a lot of the time\nwho he was was someone else.", "Hi. Do you see that guy\nover there in the scuba suit?", "You thinking of going\nand talking to him?", "No.", "Good. He's seriously\nthe biggest jerk", "on the face of the Earth.", "How do you know him?\nOh, he's one of my best friends.", "So what's with the scuba suit?", "Well, it's a long story.", "See, he just went through\na breakup...", "NARRATOR:\nThere's two basic philosophies", "of how to handle yourself\nafter a breakup.", "Some people throw\nthemselves into...", "My career. That's my number one\nfocus right now.", "From now on, no more dating.", "It's all about work.", "NARRATOR: While others\nthrow themselves into...", "Every woman in New York City.", "That's right, Barney Stinson\nis back on the market.", "Mothers, lock up your daughters.", "Daughters, lock up\nyour MILSWANCAs.", "MILSWANCAs?\nWait, I can get this.", "Mothers I'd Like To Sleep With\nAnd Never Call Again.", "Correct!\nCile gets the square.", "Don't you think you're kinda\nrushg back into this?", "Lily, since I started dating\nRobin, there's a certain", "thing I haven't used as much\nas I would like to.", "It's... kinda big,", "surprisingly heavy,", "kind of leathery,\nand it's black.", "Huh?", "This, my friends...", "is The Playbook.", "The Playbook contains", "every scam, con, hustle,", "hoodwink, gambit, flimflam,", "stratagem and bamboozle\nI've ever used--", "or ever hope to use--\nto pick up chicks", "and give them the business.", "Wow, you wrote\nanother book?", "Uh... we got a...\nStephen King over here.", "It's all in here.", "Everything from basic moves like\n\"The Don't Drink That.\"", "Whoa, don't drink that.", "I saw some guy\nslip something in there.", "What? Who?", "Uh...", "that guy.", "(Ted grunts)", "Thank you.", "To more advanced maneuvers\nlike \"The Mrs. Stinsfire.\"", "Now Kappas, after our\ndisciplinary hearing", "for lewd behavior last semester,", "we have been aigned\na new housemom.", "I'd like you to meet\nMrs. Stinsfire.", "Hello, girls!", "Wow. I can't picture", "a way that wouldn't work.", "What's\n\"The Loreo Von Matterhorn\"?", "I'm glad you asked.", "\"The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn\"\nwill be", "my grand return to the stage.", "Or you know, the bed.", "Actually, my bed\nis kind of on a stage.", "I put a platform underneath,\nand got some lights going.", "It's a real production.\nBarney exits!", "So, how about you,\nRobin?", "You getting back\nout there?", "Where is your playbook?", "My playbook?\nYeah.", "Bro, uh, two-volume\nset, right here.", "It's a great read\nactually.", "Yeah, I'm reading\nit right now.", "Anyway, I told you already, I'm\ntaking a break from all that.", "Mm, mm. Marshall,\nit's totally gonna happen.", "So gonna happen.\nWhat's gonna happen?", "You're gonna fall in love.\nSo soon.", "(laughs) Not likely I'm\nfocusing on my career.", "I'm done with dating.", "Oh, okay, we playing\nThe Pyramid?", "Okay, uh,\n\"Things people say", "right before they meet\nthe love of their life.\"", "Ooh! Kelly Harris,", "girl I went\nto law school with said...", "(Marshall's voice):\nHey, law school'so hard,", "I just want to focus\non my studies.", "Six months later?", "Married!", "We, that's all\nwell and good...", "Travis Frenchroy, backup\nbartender tells me...", "(Ted's voice): Oh, I'm so\nover the whole dating game.", "I just want to focus\non my Star Trek fan fiction.", "Six months later...", "Married!", "May I respond?\nMm-hmm", "Well, that's all well\nand good for them...", "Matthew Blitz,\naccountant at my office says...", "(Marshall's voice): Oh, I'm\ngonna die single and alone.", "I might as well just focus\non this year's taxes.", "Six months later?", "Protest all you want,\nbut it's gonna happen.", "It's a law of nature.", "Lawyered. Of nature.", "Believe me, I'd love to have\nno interest in a relationship.", "There's no way\nI'd be single right now", "if I wanted to be single.", "Okay, now you're ready.\nReady for what?", "Three years ago,\nthis girl Shelly", "started teaching\nat my school.", "The moment I saw\nher, I was like,", "\"This is the girl for Ted.\"", "Why am I just\nhearing about her now?", "Ah...", "You know, I usually\nhate being set up", "but this Ted just\nsounds so great.", "Oh, he is.", "He's so sweet and thoughtful\nand intelligent.", "MARSHALL:\nCome on buddy!", "One more chicken finger\nand the crown is yours!", "Hmm, I don't see him anywhere.", "He must be out\ndoing charity work.", "So, different bar?", "(muffled): That girl with Lily's\npretty cute!", "Oh, yeah she was cute.", "Yeah, still is.\nAnd now you're ready.", "Yeah, bro, now\nyou can fit like,", "three times as many\nchicken fingers in your mouth.", "You know it.\nOkay, I will set it up,", "but promise me you won't\ndo anything stupid.", "I promise I won't do\nanything stupid.", "And I kept that promise.", "But only because...", "she never showed up.", "I know. I'm sorry, I feel\nterrible. You should feel teible!", "I do feel terrible! I do!\nYou should!", "You should! You\nshould! I do, I do!", "I don't.", "Look, I was really", "looking forward to meeting Ted,", "but I got to the bar\nan hour early", "and I met this amazing guy.", "Like, seriously amazing.", "And you met him at MacLaren's?", "Yeah, right at the bar.\nWhat's his name?", "I shouldn't say.", "Oh, what the heck.", "It's Lorenzo Von Matterhorn!", "You son of a bitch.", "So, he hooked up\nwith Shelly?", "You must've been pissed.", "Damn straight.", "Barney, I've had Shelly set\naside for Ted for three years.", "Dude, Ted was not missing out.", "She's brainy and annoying,", "kind of boring in the sack.", "Oh, I guess she would've\nbeen perfect for Ted.", "Oops.", "Ow! Ok.", "Had I known that\nshe was there to meet Ted,", "of course I wouldn't\nhave done it, but...", "given the circumstances,\nI think Ted'll be proud of me.", "I pulled off\n\"The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.\"", "Okay, what's the\nLorenzo Von Matterhorn?", "My question exactly.", "Okay, what's the\nLorenzo Von Matterhorn?", "Glad you asked.", "BARNEY: To perform the\nLorenzo Von Matterhorn,", "here's what you'll need:", "Basic knowledge\nof Web site design", "and a very unique fake name.", "So, think of your\nfake name right now.", "Have you got it? Good.", "Now, select your target.", "Preferably a girl\nwith a real ni...", "phone.", "(sighing)", "Yeah, it's me.", "Do I know you?", "I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.", "Are you, like,\nfamous or something?", "Yes.\n(laughs)", "What a refreshing\nchange of pace.", "Nice to meet you...", "Shelly.\nShelly.", "Once again,\nI'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.", "Spelled like it sounds\ntwo \"T\"s.", "Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.", "Ciao.", "BARNEY:\nThen, as soon as you're gone,", "she gets out her phone", "and does an Internet search\nfor Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.", "And that's when she discovers.", "a series of fake Web sites,", "all devoted\nto the incredible life", "of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.", "There's the fake\nbusiness article", "about Lorenzo,\nthe reclusive billionaire.", "The fake Explorers Club\nnewsletter", "describing his balloon trek\nto the North Pole", "as a feat of pure\ndaring and imagination.", "The fake medical journal", "featuring the heartbreaking\nstory of doctors telling him", "penis reduction surgery\nisn't an option.", "And by the time you get back..", "Hi, Shelly,\nuh, I hate to be forward,", "but can I buy you\na cup of coffee?", "Yes! Please.", "What does coffee go\nfor these days, $50?", "(laughs):\nOh, Lorenzo.", "And it is on.", "That's awful.", "You realize you broke\nher heart, right?", "She's inconsolable.", "Why would she be inconsolable?", "Lorenzo's balloon\nwon't disappear over the Arctic", "for another week.", "The only way she would\nbe upset is if someone", "told her it was all\na bunch of lies.", "It was all just\na bunch of lies?", "It was all just a bunch of lies.", "The balloon expedition?\nLies!", "The man-made island\nshaped like his face", "off the coast of Dubai?\nLies!", "Finishing third\nin the laser tag competition?", "Li-- Oh, actually,\nthat one's true.", "I went to that.", "You went to the Vatican?", "Lies!", "Oh, my God!", "Well, I hope you're\nhappy with yourself.", "What?\nYou broke that girl's heart.", "Me?\nYou!", "She'll probably never\ntrust a guy again.", "You ruined her for Ted.", "Not to mention\nJulio Von Matterhorn,", "Lorenzo's twin brother.", "Can you believe that?", "He blames me", "Oh, and by the way, Ted,", "I bet she'd still\ngo out with you.", "Hm, let me think.", "Do I want to go out with\na girl Barney hooked up with?", "Guys, help me out with\nthe harmonies. Sure.", "* Hell no...\n* Hell no...", "* Hell no...\n* Hell no...", "Well, you must be a\nlittle bothered by this.", "Well, it's his life.", "Look, if these girls are dumb\nenough to fall for this crap,", "Agreed.", "Have you seen the one\nthere labeled \"The SNASA\"?", "Wow, you're an astronaut?", "Shh!", "I'm actually in a top secret\ngovernment space program", "called Secret NASA\nor SNASA.", "Wow, SNASA.\nMm-mm.", "Do you go to the Moon and stuff?", "Well, not the Moon\nyou're familiar with,", "though I have been\nto the Smoon.", "Wow, the Smoon.", "If you fall for that one,\nmy heart breaks for you,", "but I'm sorry,\nyou're a smoron.", "So, what happens next?", "Well...", "Come on, Barney,\nyou just...", "You just got out of an\nhonest to God relationship.", "(sighs)\nYou're a real boy now.", "You can't go back\nto these cheap tricks.", "Cheap tricks?!", "Not one of these\nis a cheap trick.", "Except for \"The Cheap Trick.\"", "I'm the bass player for Cheap Trick.", "And even that one involves\nexpensive hair extensions.", "Now, if you don't mind,", "I am off to prepare for\ntonight's main event.", "I will be performing\n\"The He's Not Coming.\"", "Glad you asked.", "BARNEY: To perform\n\"The He's Not Coming,\"", "here's what you'll need:", "The observation deck\nof the Empire State Building.", "Are you  there?", "Good.", "For generations,\nthis has been the spot", "New Yorkers have chosen\nfor their romantic reunions", "with long-estranged lovers,\nso all you have to do", "is walk up to every girl you see\nand say...\"He's not coming.\"", "What are you\ntalking about?", "Never mind.", "He's not coming.", "He's not coming.", "She's not coming?", "Sorry.", "Until sooner or later...", "(sighs)", "He's not coming.", "He's not?", "But we agreed.", "We always said\nwe'd meet here.", "On this night.", "(gasps)", "(sobbing):\nI'm such a fool.", "Shh, shh, shh...", "All right, I'm going\nto go get the paper.", "More like, go get\na husband. Totally.", "Okay, you guys need", "to stop that, seriously.", "The last thing I am looking for\nright now is a relationship.", "Uh-huh. When you\npick up that newspaper,", "be sure to check\nthe wedding announcements.", "(singsongy):\nFor yours.", "MARSHALL:\nRobin, it's like this.", "Do you have any idea how\nmany times in my life", "I've gone to t freezer", "looking for frozen waffles\nand not found them?", "Thousands?\nMillions.", "But when I go to the freezer\nlooking for a Popsicle--", "or the remote control because\nLily and I are having a fight", "and she's hidden it there--\nyou know what I fi?", "Frozen waffles.", "That's how it works.", "You go out there looking\nfor a paper,", "you're coming back\nwith frozen waffles.", "And, in this case, frozen waffles\nis a guy.", "Also, could you pick up\nsome frozen waffles?", "In that case, frozen waffles...", "are frozen waffles.", "Guys, code red! Emergency.", "Lock down. Nobody's leaving.", "Whoa, what happened?", "I tried \"The He's\nNot Coming,\"", "and it worked.\nGangbusters.", "You should have\nseen this girl.", "Bang, ping,\npa-dowga-donk.", "Okay, I'm leaving.", "So, we get up to my place,", "and I go into my room\nto set up the camera--", "to light the candles--", "and when I come out,", "she's gone,\nand so is The Playbook!", "I think we all know\nwho is responsible for this.", "Yeah, we do.", "Yeah.", "Al-Qaeda.", "No, you idiot.", "It was me.", "You son of a bitch.", "Wow, you stole\nThe Playbook?", "So, the girl on the\nEmpire State Building?", "A friend of mine--\nan actress.", "An actress.", "Of course.", "That explains her impeccable\ndiction and her sluttiness.", "Barney, I've got half a mind\nto take that playbook", "and put it up on the internet\nfor the whole world to see.", "You wouldn't.\nI won't, as long as you agree", "to no more scams, no more cons,\nno more hustles,", "no more hoodwinks,\nno more gambits,", "no more stratagems\nand no more bamboozles.", "I notice you\nleft out flimflams.", "No more flimflams!\nDamn it.", "Oh, my God.", "I-I'm sorry to interrupt,\nbut look at this.", "No.", "I got left at the altar.", "Oh, my God, that's horrible.", "I wonder if that would work.", "That's not even\nthe worst one in here.", "Have you guys seen, uh,\n\"My Penis Grants Wishes\"?", "Really?\nA genie comes t of it?", "Only if you rub it hard enough.", "So, then, what happened?", "It says here he breaks\ninto song,", "and then the furniture comes\nto life and dances with him.", "It's not very well\nthought out.", "It's no\n\"Mrs. Stinsfire.\"", "No, what happened\nin real life?", "Well, a few\nhours later...", "(banging on door)", "You know,\nI heard it was gonna rain.", "If anyone's interested,", "I will be at MacLaren's Pub\nperforming a play", "out of The Playbook entitled \"The Scuba diver\"", "That is all.", "Okay, that's it.", "I'm putting The Playbook up\non the Internet.", "Baby, can you put The Playbook\nup on the Internet?", "Yeah. Of course, baby,", "but here's the...\nhere's the weird thing.", "I have literally been through\nthis book cover to cover.", "There is no play in here\ncalled \"The Scuba Diver.\"", "BARNEY:\nOh.", "So, now you guys want to know\nwhat \"The Scuba Diver\" is.", "Well, it was", "on the last page\nof The Playbook,", "but I ripped it out\njust in case.", "Don't worry, though,", "You're about to see it\nin action.", "See the blond over there\nby the bar?", "Tizzarget acquizzired.", "Barney, don't do this.", "You're so...", "Ah, give it a rest, pest.", "If anyone\nshould be mad,", "it should be Rob.", "She loves The Playbook.", "I don't love\nThe Playbook.", "What are you talk...?", "The Playbook-- it's gold.", "You got to admit\nit's pretty spectacular.", "Look, Barney, we just broke up.", "I mean, yes,\nthe costumes are cute, but...", "we just broke up.", "Well, I didn't...\nI didn't know you felt that way.", "I guess I've been so wrapped up", "in my own stuff that I...", "Oh, crap,\nshe's looking over he.", "Quick, everyone,\nscatter.", "That's it.", "Hi. You see at guy\nover there in the scuba suit?", "And that brings us\nto rig now.", "Wow.", "But... wait.", "So, why is he\nwearing scuba gear?", "We don't know.", "And it's killing us,\nClaire.", "It's killing us!", "Let's go ask him.", "So, what's\n\"The Scuba Diver\"?", "And this iClaire, by the way.", "Hello, Claire.", "My name is Lieutenant\nFrank Lyman.", "I train bomb sniffing\ndolphins for the Balt...", "You know what?", "I'm... I can't...", "I can't...\nI can't do ts.", "Robin...", "I'm  so sorry.", "I guess\nthis breakup's", "been tougher on me\nthan I thought.", "I think\nthis playbook", "was just a way to take my mind", "It's okay.", "It's been tough on me, too.", "I mean, look at me.", "I've sworn off relationships.", "She's so about\nto get married.", "I got to work\non my toast.", "I got to make\nsure my tux fits.", "I will bang your heads together\nlike coconuts.", "LILY:\nBarney, I'm so glad", "you're stopping this.", "And-and, frankly,\nthe real Barney", "is way cooler than any\nof the fake Barney's", "in this any book.", "Oh, is that right?", "Claire, you've\nprobably heard a lot", "about the real\nBarney tonight.", "Want to grab a\ncup of coffee?", "Claire, before you\nturn him down,", "I-I think you should know\nthat under this neoprene suit", "with what appears to be", "a tube sock stuffed\nin the crotch.", "Can of Pringles,\nbut go on.", "...is an amazing guy.", "He's fun", "and one of my\nbest friends.", "And he landed\nthis hottie.", "He's a good guy.", "Come on, Claire,\ngo out with him.", "MARSHALL: It's just a\ncup of coffee, right?", "Right? Come on. ROBIN:\nYeah. LILY: Can't hurt.", "All right, all right.", "Let's t some coffee.", "NARRATOR:\nAnd by the end of the night...", "I'm prd\nof that guy.", "To be that vulnerable\ntakes a lot of Prings.", "(cell phone chiming)", "Ooh. I got a text\nfrom Barney.", "Oh.\n\"Look under the table.\"", "Oh.", "It's a page from The Playbook.", "What does it say?", "'s \"The Scuba Diver.\"", "BARNEY: Step one: tell\na meddlesome female friend", "about The Playbook.\nStep two: run play", "on one of her coworkers,\nking her so angry", "She steals the Playbook.", "Step Three: Put on a scuba suit", "and tell her you're going to do", "one more scam\ncalled \"The Scuba Diver\"", "on the hot girl\nstanding by the bar.", "Your fend--\nlet's call her Lily--", "goes and talks to the girl", "and tells her\neverything about The Playbook.", "Now, here's where\nit gets tricky.", "When Lily and the girl ask\nat \"The Scuba Diver\" is,", "about your deep-seated\ninsecurities", "which don't really exist", "because-- let's face it--\nyou're awesome.", "Feeling bad for you,\nLily talks you up", "to the girl, who then agrees\nto go get coffee with you.", "And it... is... on.", "You son of a bitch.", "I'll give you a call.\nAll right. Bye-bye.", "Uh, for those of you\nkeeping score,", "\"The Ted Mosby\" works.", "Shh.", "Robin, here we go.\nSay you don't want a relationship.", "Well, the love of\nyour life is about", "to walk through\nthe door,", "and it's...", "that guy.", "Yeah, I'm not falling in love\nwith that guy.", "Right, right, right,\nbecause it's going to be...", "th guy.", "Mmm, I don't know.\nThe blue blazer's just,", "like, not doing it for me, so...\nYeah, yeah.", "You're right, 'cause here\nhe comes. It's that guy!", "Oh, Robin.", "You should at least\ngive her a chance.", "You know, make out\nwith h a little,", "see if there's\nsomething there.", "Okay, I'm going to work.", "Yeah, you are.", "No, i'm actually going to work.", "Uh-huh. Go, work it.\nMm-hmm.", "NARRATOR:\nAnd the ironic part was...", "Hi. Are you Robin?", "Yeah.", "I'm Don, your new co-host.", "That was the day she met Don.", "Damn it, Marshall."], "How I Met Your Mother S05E09 Slapsgiving 2-Revenge of the Slap": ["In November 2009,", "Uncle Marshall\nand Aunt Lily hosted", "the first Thanksgiving\nat their very own apartment.", "And Marshall had found\nthe perfect turkey.", "Oh, baby, it is beautiful.", "It's 22 pounds.\nIt's organic.", "You remember my bald\nUncle Heinrek?", "It looks exactly like his head.", "Oh, my God.", "My turkey...", "My turkey!", "So, when we showed up\nfor the big day,", "Marshall was pretty bummed out.", "Well, we got the turkey.\n- No.", "You didn't. You got the pathetic\nreplacement turkey.", "Damn it, you know,\nwhy didn't I just listen", "to the prerecorded voice\nof former Mayor Ed Koch", "reminding me\nto take my belongings?", "No, Marshall,\nyou don't understand.", "Robin and I went to the Port\nAuthority Lost and Found,", "and there,\nsitting in their fridge...", "Marshall Eriksen...", "is this your turkey?\nYes!", "That's my turkey!", "Oh, come here,\nyou handsome little bastard!", "Okay, I'm going to go put this in the oven.\nOkay.", "Oh, my God! You guys are\nthe best friends ever!", "It was totally\na team effort.", "I'm so ha...", "Guys, I don't know\nwhat to say.", "I mean, it's Thanksgiving,\nbut \"thanks\"", "just doesn't seem like enough.", "Come on, buddy, you would've\ndone the same thing for us.", "Yeah, I would, and you know why?", "Because I love you guys.", "And I'm gonna show you\njust how much.", "Ted Mosby,\nRobin Scherbatsky,", "I bequeath unto you", "the fourth slap.", "Wait, what?", "Kids, you remember", "Barney and Marshall'\n\"Slap Bet.\"", "When Barney lost, Marshall won\nthe right to slap Barney", "five times as hard as he could.", "So far, he'd used three\nof those five slaps.", "With the third\nbeing doled out exactly", "two years earlier\non Thanksgiving Day 2007.", "A day that history came to know", "as \"Slapsgiving.\"", "Are you saying...", "...what we think\nyou're saying?", "Probably not.", "Unless you think I'm saying", "Revenge Of The Slap,\"", "in which case, yes, that's\nexactly what I'm saying!", "No way! Uh-uh.", "Slaps aren't transferable.", "Lily is the Slap Bet\nCommissioner. Lil?", "Slaps are transferable.", "No!\nTransferable!", "Wait, Marshall,\nyou realize you'll only have", "one left after this.", "Are you sure you want\nto spend this slap today?", "Life is short.\nI figured, Slap-e Diem.", "Okay, rule number one: the slap\nmust occur before sundown,", "so as not to interfere\nwith Lily's meal.", "Damn straight.\nTwo, you guys have to decide", "amongst yourselves\nwho gets to do it.", "Three...", "we're going to tie\nBarney to this", "chair, which shall\nhenceforth be referred to as", "The Slapping Throne. Sound fair?\nTotally.", "Amazing.\nAbsolutely not!", "It was all set to be the best\nThanksgiving ever.", "Until...", "Are we expecting somebody else?", "It was someone Lily hadn't\nseen or spoken to", "in three years.", "Dad.", "Now, Lily and her dad, Mickey,", "had always had\na tough relationship.", "Mickey's dream was to invent", "the next great\nAmerican board game.", "But his ideas\nwere always a little off.", "Daddy?\nYeah?", "You missed\nmy ballet recital.", "Yes, sweetie, but, look!", "I just put the finishing touches\non my new, hit board game,", "\"Tijuana Slumlord.\"", "Daddy?\nUh-huh?", "You missed my gymnastics meet.\nYeah, yeah, yeah,", "But this is the one!", "How Long Can You Hold On?\"", "Here, Princess.", "Grab these.", "Daddy?\nMm-hmm.", "I had a nightmare.", "Aw, sweetie.", "Here, come play\nDaddy's new game:", "\"There's A Clown Demon\nUnder The Bed!\"", "Her whole life, Mickey\ndisappointed Lily.", "And she always put up with it,\nuntil one day in 2006", "when Lily went to visit her\ngrandparents.", "So, Rita, are you\nexcited about the, uh,", "the big move to Florida?", "Actually, dear,\nslight change of plans.", "We're staying here\nfor the time being.", "We had a slight\nfinancial hiccup.", "Ma!", "The straw to my juice box broke!", "Ma, chop, chop!", "Oh, hey, guys.", "What a pleasant surprise.", "Dad, what happened", "to your apartment?", "Oh, well, I had a little\nfalling out with my roommate.", "What happened?", "He wanted me to pay rent.", "Got kind of ugly.\nDad!", "You should be paying rent,", "not living\nin your parents' basement.", "Hey, it's not my first choice.", "Having the old farts\nright upstairs", "is crimpin' my style a bit.", "Clearly, they're not\ngetting the whole", "\"sock on the doorknob\" thing.", "Oh, they caught you with a girl?", "In a way.", "Bye, sweetheart.\nI'm off to work.", "Work? You're retired.", "Now that I have\nextra mouth to feed,", "I had to go back\nto the steel mill.", "Rita?", "Where's my truss?", "So, not only did you stop them\nFrom moving to Florida,", "but now you forced Grandpa\nto go back to work?", "Just until I get Aldrin games Unlimted", "off the ground\nwith my new sensation:", "\"Dog Fight Promoter.\"", "And then Lily gave her dad\na look that Marshall", "had only seen\na few times before.", "A look we all prayed never\nto be on the receiving end of:", "her \"You're Dead To Me\" look.", "Which brings us back\nto Thanksgiving of 2009.", "Hey, Princess.", "I brought \"Diseases!\"", "What is he doing here?", "I don't know,\nbut maybe we should,", "uh, let him in and find out.", "No, I don't want to see him!", "Get rid of him!", "Hey, Mickey.", "Just hang tight, okay?", "We'll, we'\u0092ll work this out.", "Take your time, amigo.", "I'm okays long\nas I have \"Diseases!\"", "The fun's infectious.", "God, I hope Lily's okay.", "Me, too.\nShe doesn't talk about it much,", "but this thing with her dad\ncauses her a lot of pain.", "Just tell me which one of you's\ngonna slap me!", "What?\nI'm dying over here!", "Ted reaches for a chip,\nI flinch!", "Robin fixes her hair, I flinch!", "I'm doing so much flinching.\nIt's bad for my skin.", "I'm getting crow's feet.\nCrow's feet!", "Lily, come on.\nIt's been", "three years, okay?\nThat's long enough.", "Having him in my life causes me\nnothing but stress.", "It's just easier for him to be dead to me.", "Okay, Lily, look.", "I supported you when\nour neighbor, Mr. Sias,", "was \"dead to you.\"", "Hey!\nThat's our newspaper.", "You'll get it back\nin 15 minutes.", "Make it 20.\nI had a steak last night.", "And I was fine when your", "bridesmaid, Whitney,\nwas \"dead to you.\"", "Oh, Lily!", "You look so amazing!", "That dress is gorgeous!", "Oh, thanks, guys.", "Mm, I... I'm just\nnot a fan of strapless.", "I even understood when", "Mr. Park from the bodega\ndownstairs was \"dead to you.\"", "One coffee, please.", "Oh, but only if you have decaf.", "I don't want to be up all night.", "Dollar fifty.", "Coffee, regular.", "Dollar fifty.", "Excuse me.", "Are you sure mine was decaf?", "You just used the same pot.", "Oh, I lie to him. Okay?", "Oh, okay.", "You son of a bitch.", "That was not decaf!", "I supported you", "with all of those random people,\nbut this is your father.", "Okay, can't we at least just\ngive him some turkey?", "No.\nCome on, Lily.", "Please, I can't ask the guy\nto leave on Thanksgiving.", "Oh, you don't have to ask.", "Just tell him that it's really\nimportant that he be here.", "And before you know it, he'll be\nat a board game convention", "in Toledo, giving your braces\nmoney to some guy", "claiming to be Milton Bradley.", "He was just out trying\nto provide for the family.", "No. No, that's what my mom did\nby working two jobs.", "Marshall, that man", "broke my heart every single day\nfor 20 years.", "Well, then we'll just give him\nsome dark meat.", "No, seriously, Robin,", "you should get the slap.", "I mean, you're a great slapper.", "In fact, I want", "to study slapping\nunder your tutelage.", "I want to be your slap-prentice.", "Don't sell yourself\nshort there, Teddy.", "You're a slapping rock star.", "Your name should be\nEric Slapton.", "Okay, okay, guys,\nthis is torture.", "Just put me in the chair...", "Slapping Throne.\nAnd get it over with!", "Ok, he's all yours.\nNo-no-no-no. It's you, I insist.", "Okay, I'll do it.\nGreat.", "Wait, what?", "I'm just saying, I'll slap him.", "What, so that's just, like,", "the end of the discussion?", "Well, you said I could slap him.", "Uh, I was just being nice.", "If anyone's gonna slap him,\nit's gonna be me.", "No, it's not.", "This is interesting.", "Lily, he's family, okay?", "And I'm sorry, but you just\ndon't cut off family.", "Oh, well, that's easy for you\nto say when you come", "from the most ridiculously close\nfamily in the world.", "We are not ridiculously close.", "Really?\nYeah.", "What about the Eriksen Family\nDinner every single Sunday?", "Everything looks delicious,\nMother Eriksen.", "Thank you,\nPapa Bear.", "Marshall, would you\nlike to say grace?", "Well, I would be", "happy to, Mother.", "Everyone, please join hands.", "Dear Lord...", "I'm sorry, but that's weird.", "A family should be that close.", "And I want our future family\nto be that close.", "And that includes your dad.", "I can't believe\nyou're taking his side.", "Lily...\nLet me", "that man will never", "cross the threshold\ninto this home, ever!", "It's just gonna be, like,\nfive more minutes.", "Hopefully soon, amigo.", "I'm fighting a losing battle\nwith hemorrhoids here.", "Oh, that's one of the diseases?", "No.", "Ted, there is an hour\nbefore the sun sets,", "at which point, neither one\nof us gets to slap Barney.", "So just let me have it.\nI'm the one who had", "the idea to call the Port\nAuthority Lost and Found.", "Ooh, that's a good point.\nRebuttal?", "I'm the one who slipped\nthe guy a 20!", "Oh, philosophical\nconundrum.", "Idea versus execution.\nPlease discuss at length.", "I carried that huge turkey\nall the way up here.", "I paid the cab fare.", "Well, you slept\nwith one of my best friends!", "What?! You, you said", "you were okay with that.\nWell, I'm not!", "Well, why didn't you\nsay something at the time?", "Because I'm still in love\nwith you!", "Do you really want to slap\nBarney so bad", "that you would lie\nabout being in love with me?", "I really want to slap him, okay?", "Yes, your dad has made some\nmistakes in the past,", "but he's a different\nperson now.", "He's moved out of your\ngrandparents' house.", "He's got a job.", "He's paying off his IRS debts.", "Wait, how do you know all that?", "Like, body language.", "Okay, well, yeah,\nwe met for a drink last week.", "I mis her a ton.", "Little princess.", "She ever talk about me?", "Yeah. Yeah, like, all the time.", "Um, she tells this one really\nsweet story about...", "So never, huh?\nNo, not a word.", "But...", "it doesn't have to be that way.", "We can, we can fix this, right?", "You know, I always thought\nit'd get fixed at the wedding.", "I even wrote a toast.", "But then, no invite.", "Hell, I haven't even seen a wedding photo.", "And then, right before my eyes,", "your father\nbroke down crying.", "That's it!\nYou're coming to Thanksgiving!", "You invited him?!", "The guy was, like, blabbering.", "What was I going to do?\nAnd then, some jerk", "at the next table\ncalled him a sissy,", "which I thought\nwas totally uncalled-for.", "I can't believe you.", "Marshall, what gives you\nthe right to do that?", "You and I are married.", "And that means\nhe's my family, too.", "Mickey, come on in.", "Ted, you better roll quickly.", "Your gall bladder's\nabout to burst.", "You know, Mickey, it's been,\nlike, half an hour.", "I think we should\ngo look for Lily.", "Eh, she just needs\nsome time to cool down.", "Let's finish the game.", "Yeah, play\nanother round.", "Best of seven!", "Damn it, Robin!", "I've known Barney the longest.", "I get to slap him.", "That slap is mine, Mosby.", "I've never slapped Barney...", "above the waist.", "Look, I've wanted to slap Barney\nsince the moment", "I met him! You don't think\nthat I want", "to slap Barney? I've waited...\nWait, wait a minute. Wait a mute!", "This slap was supposed to be\na wonderful thing, a gift,", "and look, it's turned us\nagainst each other.", "My God, you're right.", "This once pure fruit has turned\ninto a poison slapple.", "You know what?\nSeriously, you take it.", "Are you sure?", "Slapsolutely.", "I really think", "that we should\ngo look for Lily.", "Ted? Gall bladder\nabout to pop.", "Okay, it's decided.", "Barney, come on. Get in the Throne.\nHmm?", "Are you...\nYep. Come on.", "Well, you, um...", "Uh, well, I guess that is", "the best decision, Robin.\nI mean...", "men are stronger than women.", "D-Don't listen to him.", "Okay, it's been decided.\nOkay.", "And that's what you've always\nwanted, isn't it, Robin?", "A strong man\nto take care of you?", "I mean, sure. Growing up,\nyou were a scrapper,", "Playing hockey with the boys,", "skinning your knees\non the ice.", "But what you couldn't\ntell your teammates--", "what you couldn't\neven tell yourself--", "was that all you really wanted", "was that pretty white dress", "in that pretty white chapel.", "And at the end of the centre aisle,", "strewn with pretty white flowers,", "a man", "to do all your slapping for you.", "Let me at him!\nRobin! Come on!", "Hold on!", "Oh!", "Oh, my God.", "What just happened?", "Sorry, Ted.\nGallbladder burst.", "You move back\nthree spaces.", "You come in here,", "and you watch your daughter\nleave and you don't even care.", "And now you've destroyed\nThanksgiving dinner!", "Lily-Lily worked\nall day on this!", "Relax. It's not real bile.", "It's just lead-based\npaint from China.", "And horse bile.", "And at that moment,\nMarshall gave Mickey a look", "none of us has ever\nseen him give anyone.", "What's this? What's he doing?", "Did you swallow\nsome of that paint?", "This is my \"you're dead to me\" look.", "Oh. Oh.\nOkay.", "Yeah, you know,\nLily's is so much better...", "Get out of my house!", "Hey.", "Mr. Park's, huh?", "This is the last place\nI expected to find you.", "Marshall", "But just hear me out.", "I used to think that\nfamily was-was a right.", "But it's not. It's a privilege,\nand it has to be earned.", "I kicked your dad out.", "And I promise,", "baby, I will... I will never\nmake you see him again.", "Oh, what?", "Baby, what-what happened?", "Marshall, I came in\nhere because it was cold", "and this was the only\nplace that was open.", "I wasn't even gonna look\nMr. Park in the eye.", "And then I found out...", "Mr. Park died.", "Oh, my God.", "He really is dead to me.", "And if I feel this bad", "about never making up\nwith Mr. Park,", "a guy who meant literally nothing to me", "We got to go get my dad.", "Okay.", "So that's how", "on Thanksgiving 2009,", "your Aunt Lily\nperformed a miracle.", "She brought a man\nback from the dead.", "Everyone.", "Before we get started, Barney,", "We\u0092re going to need you\non The Slapping Throne.", "Slap Bet Commissioner,", "surely tying me\nto a chair is a breach...", "Yeah, yeah, yeah.\nLess yappin', more slappin'.", "Ted, Robin. It's two\nminutes until sundown.", "Have you guys decided\nwhich one of you", "is going to get to slap\nBarney right in his face?", "It's gonna be Ted.", "What? Why me?", "Last year, you got left at the altar.", "You lost your job.", "But you've come\nsuch a long way since then.", "I'm so proud of you, Ted.", "You deserve to slap someone\nin his face as hard as you can.", "Thanks.", "This is the worst.", "Mama!", "No, Robin. Look...", "You just went through\nyour own breakup, and...", "while I know you and Barney\nleft it on good terms,", "isn't there some part of you,", "deep down, that wants to slap him", "right in his face?", "There is.", "I know there is.", "This is basically hell on Earth.", "Oh...\nAll right.", "Oh...", "You got this.", "It hurts!", "No. I can't do it.", "I can't take this from you, Ted.", "Nor I, you.", "Oh, thank God.", "So, I'd like to\nmake a gesture.", "Mickey?", "Oh, no way!", "I'm glad you and Lily are\ntrying to work things out.", "So, to welcome you to our little family,", "I'd like to offer you this slap.", "Really?", "Well, I feel a little weird", "I-I just met Barney,", "But how often\ndo you get a chance", "to slap someone right in his face?", "Soft!", "I'm sorry. I can't do it.", "Oh, thank God.", "Lily", "I know I haven't been\nmuch of a father to you.", "You are kidding me.", "So for all the ballet\nrecitals that I missed", "for all the art shows that\nI should've been at...", "...for the wedding gift", "that I never got a\nchance to give to you...", "Princess...", "I give this slap to you.", "Oh, Daddy!", "No.", "No, no, no, no.", "She is the Slap Bet Commissioner.", "She's supposed to remain impartial!", "Slap Bet Commissioner\nsays it's okay.", "This is not good.", "Okay.", "Please, please, please.\nLet me...", "Shh, shh, shh.\nLet me...", "Just close your eyes.\nIt'll be over soon.", "Running through a meadow.", "I can't do it.", "Why can't I do it?", "Because this slap", "has done exactly what I hoped.", "It's brought us all\ncloser together.", "And it's caused us to recognize", "both the frailty", "and the greatness\nin ourselves", "and each other.", "Oh, give me a break.", "And that is why...", "there will be no slap today.", "Oh, my God!", "This is the best Thanksgiving...", "That's four!", "So, turkey?", "New from Aldrin\nGames Unlimited, it's...", "Slap Bet!", "The slap-happy game\nthat's a real hit.", "For kids of all ages.", "I win!", "Slap yourself silly\nwith Slap Bet,", "the happy hitting game\nfrom Aldrin."], "How I Met Your Mother S05E10 The Window": ["Well, got another one.", "Oh, boy.", "What's in the box?", "What's in the box?", "What's in the box?!", "What's in the box?!", "Right?", "Brad pitt? Seven?", "Nothing?", "Yeah, I'm the jerk.", "What's in the box?", "Well, ever since marshall and lily got their own place,", "His mom keeps sending them boxes", "Of his old stuff she's trying to get rid of.", "Thanks, mom.", "You really nailed it this time.", "I really needed he-man's right arm", "And this old book of mad libs.", "\"fart went to the fart to fart fartly.\"", "That's nice.", "That's good stuff.", "That's good.", "Thanks, mom.", "Hello.", "Hello?", "Ted mosby? - Yeah.", "The window is open.", "The what?", "The window is open.", "The window is open.", "What are you waiting for?", "I... - Run, ted, run!", "Lily, the window is open.", "Make a hole, people.", "Run, ted, run!", "Ted? - Hey.", "Hey. - Maggie.", "I was just, um,", "You know...", "How are you?", "Um, I'm fine, I guess.", "Actually, no, I'm not fine.", "I just broke up with my boyfriend.", "I'm so sorry to hear that.", "No, it's...", "You want to hang out tonight?", "Sure.", "It was so fun. You guys liked it. - It was the most...", "Please tell me you got in the window.", "I got in the window.", "Yes! - what is going on?", "What is the window?", "You know how everyone has that guy", "Or girl who, no matter what happens,", "You always remember them being the perfect one for you?", "My chaps.", "Lily.", "That girl right over there.", "Well, that girl for me was", "and still is-- maggie wilks.", "We all went to college together.", "She was awesome.", "Everybody loved her.", "I think I know what we're dealing with here.", "Tell me when to stop.", "It wasn't that maggie was hot.", "She was...", "She was the ultimate girl next door.", "She was the ultimate girl next door.", "Still is.", "I mean, every guy who meets maggie", "Falls madly in love with her.", "And that's the problem.", "Since I've known her, she's only been single", "For, like, three brief windows of opportunity.", "When she moved here and broke up", "With her college boyfriend, I waited a month.", "You know, so I wouldn't be the rebound guy.", "Well, the rebound guy lasted two years.", "After they broke up, I only waited a week.", "I was still too late.", "She dated that guy for three years.", "The next time, I wasn't messing around.", "I was at her door", "Not one hour after they broke up.", "The only thing she did", "Between becoming single", "And the moment I got there", "Was go downstairs and check her mail.", "I was still too late.", "And she dated that guy for four years.", "I wasn't going to let this happen again,", "So I begged her neighbor, mrs. Douglas,", "To call me the second she and david broke up.", "And now, a very single", "And available maggie wilks", "Is on her way to this very spot.", "I sent a cab with a female driver,", "so she'd have no other interaction with a man", "until she got to me.", "Where she will still have no interaction with a man.", "What up?", "I feel good tonight.", "Tonight's going to be good.", "Oh, hell, yeah!", "It's my overalls.", "I wore these babies all throughout high school.", "These were my jam.", "God, you really were a virgin", "Before you met lily, weren't you?", "Well, that's unnecessary.", "Oh, she's right, baby.", "If... If you had worn these things in college,", "Even I wouldn't have slept with you.", "And, if you recall, I was good to go.", "No one, I mean no one.", "Could get laid wearing these.", "Challenge accepted.", "I, barney stinson,", "Being of sound mind and amazing body,", "Will wear these overalls until I have sex with a woman.", "I actually dated that guy.", "Okay. Quick game plan.", "Maggie shows up, couple minutes of hugs and hi's,", "And then everybody's out of here.", "This is my one shot.", "I am not gonna screw this up.", "Who'd you get to cover your class tonight?", "Crap! - oh, my god!", "Oh, my goodness.", "Hey, stranger. - Hey.", "Maggie, this is my roommate, robin. - Hey.", "Hey. Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too.", "Um, I totally forgot, I have to teach a class tonight.", "Hey! want to come with me", "And check out a real live architecture class?", "Ooh. Not even a little bit.", "Uh, you know, I'll just hang here with marshall.", "It'll be fun. - Fantastic.", "Okay. Well, have a seat.", "Relax. Yeah.", "Yeah, this is casual.", "This is all very, very, very casual.", "Listen to me. You want me to find the perfect girl", "So we can all grow old together?", "That is her.", "Do not let any guy near her, okay?", "That means no waiter takes her order,", "No busboy clears her table.", "If she bursts into flames,", "I want a fire woman putting her out.", "I don't think 911 takes requests.", "Damn it, marshall!", "Whatever you have to do,", "Keep maggie wilks single until I get back.", "I left my tab open.", "Don't abuse it.", "Target secure?", "Target secure.", "Oh, my gosh. How weird.", "We all walked out of the bathroom at the same time.", "Well, let's all walk back to the booth together.", "Oh, my. Look at this-- the table where we are sitting.", "Back off!", "Okay, um, not that I care about this challenge,", "But it's cheating to wear overalls over a suit.", "No, it's not.", "They're not called over t-shirts, robin.", "They're not called over shirtless fat guys", "Who used to come fix my mom's car", "And then hang out with her upstairs for a little while.", "No. They're called overalls, okay?", "And I can wear them over whatever I want.", "He's not saying hello", "He's just telling you what he feeds his horses.", "Oh, man, I can sit here", "and make you-look-like-a-farmer jokes All night.", "Challenge accepted.", "Good evening.", "Tonight, we're gonna have a nice, quick class on bridges.", "There are six types of bridges.", "Beam, cantilever, arch, suspension, and two others.", "You got land on both sides, water in the middle.", "See you all next week.", "Hey, we get you for the whole hour.", "Oh, come on. I mean, who really wants to sit here", "And listen to me yap about bridges for an hour?", "Really?", "I just thought about how awesome ted is again.", "This is a weird drinking game.", "Can I buy you a drink?", "He's got a big brown jug with three x's on it.", "What have I done?", "One very important thing to keep in mind", "When designing a bridge...", "Maggie?", "Oh, no.", "I mean, yes.", "Yes, when you are designing a bridge, always remenber", "Make adjustments... ...Go get it energized.", "That's good advice for life, too.", "So, professor mosby,", "Is this maggie someone special?", "No. I...", "She's just this girl I've been into for a really long time,", "And, well, tonight could be", "The one chance I have to go out with her, so...", "Is she a hottie?", "Yes, jamie. She's very attractive.", "And if we can just end class right now...", "Betty?", "Maggie may finally be available,", "But what about you, professor mosby?", "Are you ready for a serious relationship?", "Totally.", "I mean, I think so.", "Maybe.", "I don't know. What do you guys think?", "Oh, my gosh. I totally forgot about this.", "What is it?", "It's a homework assignment", "From when I was 15.", "Um, write a letter to your 30-year-old self", "With a list of goals you hope to achieve.", "Dear future me.", "First off, you'd better be driving either", "A kick-ass camaro or the a-team van.", "That's priority numero uno.", "And by now your rat tail", "Should hang down to your freakin' knees.", "You can still slam-dunk, obviously,", "And you've legally changed your name to \"vanilla thunder.\"", "Your wife, let me break it down", "Blonde, six feet tall,", "Has an awesome rack and caters to your every need.", "Sorry, babe. - That's okay.", "You just described your mother.", "Keep going.", "You're still rocking...", "You're still rocking the stone-washed overalls,", "Because this look is working.", "Oh, and most importantly,", "You'd better be saving the world.", "If you became some lame, corporate sellout,", "Just throw yourself off a cliff", "Because you suck.", "And I licky boom-boom down.", "Snow me I'll go blame", "A licky boom-boom down...", "Yeah, hilarious.", "I became a lame, corporate sellout.", "I work for GNB,", "The most evil bank in the history of the world.", "Oh, come on, vanilla thunder,", "Everyone's got to grow up and get a real job.", "Yeah, I remember back in college Maggie wanted to be", "A marine biologist by day and mentor", "Inner-city kids by night.", "What did you really end up doing?", "Those things.", "Baby, where are you going?", "I just gotta, I gotta do something at work.", "It won't take long.", "What's up with Marshall?", "Oh, no.", "I think he's going to quit his job.", "I'm sorry, Maggie. I gotta go stop him.", "Ted, I had to leave the bar, but it's okay.", "I left Maggie with Robin.", "You left Maggie with Robin?", "Relax.", "I've got things under control.", "You don't understand the situation.", "This girl is like a super-powered man magnet.", "Oh, Teddy.", "I know a little something about man magnets.", "You see, your friend may be one of those magnets", "That can hold up a picture of your kids on the fridge,", "But I'm one of those magnets", "That can pick up cars in a junkyard.", "Who's this?  - Robin,", "This is Jim, a good friend of mine from work.", "Oh, well, hello there.", "Nice to meet you.", "Oh, boy.", "What does being \"ready\" even mean?", "I mean, I thought I was \"ready\" last year.", "I wound up getting left at the altar.", "I'll be honest, guys.", "I'm a little scared.", "Okay, Louis, then Betty.", "We're all scared, professor Mosby.", "Doesn't being scared let you know", "you're on to something important?", "Yeah.", "I mean, if you're not scared, you're not taking a chance.", "And if you're not taking a chance,", "Then what the hell are you doing?", "Right?", "I think you're ready, bro.", "Jim, you are so funny.", "Funny? I think he's hilarious.", "In fact, I laughed so hard,", "I think I may have just peed my pants.", "I'd better take off.", "I'm going to the opening of that photography", "Exhibit]  that they were talking by the work", "Les chiens erotiques.", "I have an extra ticket if you want to...  - Me?!", "I'd love to!", "All right, I gotta go.", "One last piece of advice.", "Make adjustments...", "Go get it energized!", "Hello?", "Ted, change of plans.", "You left her with Barney?!", "Ted, will you take it easy?", "I'm your bro.", "You're an animal.", "And even though our bro-lationship", "Has suffered its setbacks in this area,", "I assure you I will be the perfect gentleman.", "Oh, thanks.", "By the way, I really like those overalls.", "You have ten minutes to get down", "here or the window's closing.", "Ten minutes? - Yeah.", "Because we're bros.", "While I was racing through the streets of New York,", "Trying to get back to the bar,", "Your aunt Robin was doing her best", "To keep Jim away from Maggie.", "Do you want to go back to the bar", "and see if Maggie's still there?", "Oh, no way!", "I love erotic dog photography.", "Did you see the one over there", "Of the corgies doing it people style?", "I'll get us a taxi.", "I just feel bad leaving Maggie all alone.", "No! Uh, let's have a glass of wine first.", "Oh, man.", "Oh, look how filthy I am.", "I am just a...", "A filthy, filthy girl who would totally", "Go to second base with a guy as a favor to a friend.", "You like that?", "I'm going to call Maggie, see what she's doing.", "Oh, god! Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.", "Give it a rest, jeez!", "She's hanging out with Ted tonight.", "Ted? What about David?", "They broke up.", "Maggie's single?", "That doesn't sound familiar.", "Can I help wipe that off?", "Please?", "I hate Barney.Stinson!", "Me, too!", "Lily finally got to GNB,", "But the place was deserted.", "Hey, baby.", "I thought you came here to quit your job.", "I forgot about the hoop.", "Yeah. I-I thought if I could just do one thing", "In that letter, I wouldn't feel like such an old sellout,", "So I came out here to dunk.", "Did it make you feel better?", "I barely grazed the bottom of the net,", "And now my legs hurt so bad, I can't even fall down.", "How could you?!", "Ted, I challenged myself", "To get laid wearing overalls.", "And if you stand in my way, then you're letting Barney win.", "And you don't want that. That smug son of a bitch will", "Never let us hear the end of it.", "Oh, thank god. Maggie...", "Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Where do you think you're going?", "To tell that girl I love her.", "Get in line, bub. - Yeah.", "I'm going to have sex with her, then he's", "Going to tell her he's in love with her, and then you can do", "Whatever you want. Do we agree on the order?", "Mister!", "You missed just out on the night of your life.", "The night of your life.", "I've been in love with her for five years.", "I've been in love with her for 12 years.", "I've been in these overalls for an hour and a half.", "Maybe you can't dunk anymore.", "But you've achieved", "More in your 30 years than that", "15-year-old dweeb could ever dream of.", "You put yourself", "Through Columbia law school.", "You had the sense to chop off that stupid rat tail.", "And you married a smoking-hot chick", "Who looks nothing like your mother.", "I think that earns you", "An entire foot closer to dunking.", "There you go, vanilla thunder.", "Step back.", "Oh, baby.", "How about instead of dunking, we go up to your office,", "And you lie very still while I go bananas all over you?", "Could we maybe instead just do it right here?", "Sure, baby.", "She loves me! - But I chose her! - Guys! Guys!", "Guys, we have to figure this out.", "We are dealing with a very small window of opportunity here.", "Guys, let me assure you, if you let me in there,", "That window's gonna open up again in, like, ten minutes.", "Wait, where's maggie?", "She's gone. -What? - I sent her home.", "You guys were like vultures fighting over her.", "Let her be single for once.", "Jealous bitch! - Robin, how could you?!", "No, she's right.", "Maggie deserves some time to herself.", "Nobody likes to be alone, especially after a breakup,", "But that's when we discover who we really are", "And... And what we really want.", "She deserves that.", "And kids, I meant that.", "Which is why I'm not proud of what happened next.", "It's around the corner. Around the corner.", "Hey. Maggie, sorry.", "Class ran a little...", "Who's this?", "This is Adam.", "It's so crazy.", "We grew up next door to each other.", "God, we haven't seen each other since...", "A long time. - Yeah.", "And then Maggie Wilks told us", "The second-greatest love story I've ever heard.", "I just moved to town and I had to look her up.", "I guess we've got a lot of catching up to do.", "Yeah.", "Yeah, of course.", "So, kids, I missed out on the ultimate girl next door", "To the guy next door.", "See you next time.", "There was no \"next time.\"", "Maggie's window never opened again.", "Hey! Hey, I got it!", "That country bar, giddy-ups!", "The overalls have gotta work there.", "Wingman me?", "I don't want giddy-ups.", "I want that.", "I forgot what it feels like to chase the real thing,", "But... I think I'm ready again.", "Yeah.", "Let me tell you where I'm at.", "I want to have sex with a girl", "So I can take off these overalls.", "Come on. Come on!", "Ted, you gotta help me!", "I gotta get these damn things off!", "Hey there.", "I just love your overalls.", "Dear 60-year-old Marshall.", "By now you should be working somewhere", "That's making the world a better place,", "Or at least trying to.", "No pressure, dude. I mean, sir.", "Also, if time travel is possible,", "Maybe you could give me a little sign", "On Tuesday, December 8, at 8:29 P.M.", "So, someone sent back these chicken wings,", "Because they were too hot. And I'm like,", "\"Too hot? Are you crazy?\"", "So, free wings.", "Old man Marshall,", "As long as you're still married to Lily,", "You're doing just fine.", "Sir, this is on us.", "Sorry the wings were so hot.", "Oh, no, dear. It wasn't that they were too hot.", "It's just that I had wings earlier.", "Much earlier."], "How I Met Your Mother S05E11 The Last Cigarette Ever": ["Kids, back in 2009,", "your Aunt Robin was the host", "of a morning show\nfor local New York cable.", "And it was on early.\nHow early?", "Mike? wakey, wakey.", "But then, everything changed.", "Hey.\nHey.", "See my show?", "Oh, I meant\nto watch it.", "I just got so busy", "with the whole\n\"being sound asleep\" thing.", "It took all night,\neight hours down the drain.", "Oh, it's fine.\nBut get this:", "After the broadcast...", "Hi. Are you Robin?", "Yeah.", "I'm Don, your new co-host.", "Don was Don Frank,", "seasoned veteran of no fewer", "than 39 local\nmorning news teams", "from all over the country.", "The guy was an industry legend.", "Oh.", "Wow! You are\nso going to hit that.", "No, I just think we're going", "to be great together\non the air.", "And on the sofa and on the bed\nand on the coffee table.", "All right,\nall right.", "I'm gonna go up on the\nroof and stand there", "by myself for five minutes.", "Have fun.", "And that's exactly\nwhat she did.", "She just stood there.", "All right, kids,\nI'm gonna level with you.", "That's not what she did.", "Here's what she did.", "All right,\nall right.", "I'm going to go\nhave a cigarette.", "BOTH:\nWhat?!", "NARRATOR: I promised her\nI'd never tell you this,", "but once upon a time,\nyour Aunt Robin", "did enjoy\nthe occasional cigarette,", "and occasionally\nthat occasional cigarette...", "was more than just occasional.", "I just left something\nlike this in my apartment.", "Robin, come on,\ntake it to the roof.", "We said no smoking\nin the apartment", "after you torched\nthe throw rug doing push-ups.", "All right, all right, all right.", "Geez.", "Yeah, Robin,\nI mean, God,", "not only is that a\nfilthy habit, but also,", "can I bum one?\nSure.", "What?!", "\"How I Met Your Mother\" ", "Sync By YesCool -", "Kids, your Uncle Marshall\ndefinitely doesn't want you", "to know this,\nbut he also smoked off and on.", "It all started when he was 13,\non a camping trip in Minnesota.", "Come on, Marshall,\nlet's celebrate.", "It's summer vacation.", "Okay, but just one.", "This is my first\nand last cigarette ever.", "And that was the first of many,\nmany \"last cigarettes ever.\"", "That's it.", "I am done, I am out.", "Last...", "Cigarette...", "...ev-arrh!", "So, by that point,\nI'd heard it all before.", "Last cigarette ever.", "What are you doing? You\nhaven't smoked in six months.", "Is this about the McRib?", "It's gone, dude, let it go.", "I'm worried\nabout work, okay?", "They just hired a new head\nof the legal department,", "and he's going\nto be letting people go.", "So that's\nwhy you're worried?", "The new head of the legal\ndepartment is Arthur Hobbes.", "As in \"Artillery Arthur\"?", "As in your former boss?", "Arthur Hobbes was\nthe meanest boss", "Marshall or anyone else\nhad ever had.", "The last time Marshall worked\nfor him, it ended like this.", "I quit!", "Yikes.", "So does he hold it\nagainst you?", "Worse.", "I'm sorry,\nwho are you?", "I'm, I'm Marshall Eriksen.", "Hmm.", "Um, we had a fairly intense\nscreaming match.", "No.", "Wherein I suggested\nthat you take your head", "and store it within yourself", "in a fashion that,", "while, while space-saving,", "might limit its exposure\nto, to sunshine.", "Well, that describes\n95% of my employees", "and everyone in my family...\nexcept for my dog.", ":\nHe's such a good boy.", "Well... I'll see you\nlater, uh...", "Randall Wilkerson.", "Marshall Eriksen.", "Gary Dinkersfield, right.", "Great, he doesn't remember you.", "Not great.", "Arthur Hobbes hating Marshall--\nthat's no big deal.", "He hates everyone.", "It's the people he doesn't know\nthat he cuts loose.", "He just fired\nWhat's-His-Face.", "He fired What's-\nHis-Face, Ted,", "and What's-His-Face\nwas invaluable.", "Look, I can understand\nyou getting upset,", "but it's not worth\nkilling yourself over.", "Yeah, wait till you get\nlaid off, then kill yourself.", "Like What's-His-Face.", "Although I guess now\nit's more like Where's-His-Face.", "Look, it was just\ntwo cigarettes.", "Okay, I can handle two.", "As long as I don't have three\nwithin 24 hours,", "then I'm not going\nto get hooked again.", "What's Lily going", "to say when she finds out\nyou smoked?", "Lily's not going to find out.", "I have a system.", "Ah, yes, Marshall's system.", "Hey, Lil.", "You smoked.", "Damn it!", "NARRATOR: The next morning,\nyour Aunt Robin was thrilled", "to be finally going on the air\nwith a real pro.", "In three, two, one...", "Hi, I'm Robin\nScherbatsky.", "And I... am Don Frank.", "Two teens were arrested\nlate last night", "for stealing\na police cart.", "No, I'm sorry, not a\npolice cart, a police car.", "Oh.", "Aw, screw it.", "Brain fart.", "Don't you hate those?", "Oh, look at that,", "the teleprompter's\nstill running.", "Something about a woman\ngiving birth on an uptown bus.", "Well, no point\nin jumping in halfway.", "I'll just wait\ntill it's done.", "Uh... and she cut the cord\nwith a Metropass.", "We'll be right back.", "And we're clear.", "What the hell was that?\nDon, you said \"brain fart.\"", "Look, Robin, you seem", "like a nice kid, but this is\nmy 39th local news show, okay?", "And in that time,\nI've learned three things:", "avoid the all-you-can-eat\nsushi buffet in Bismarck,", "do not go to the bathroom\nwith your lapel mic still on,", "and three, at this hour,", "your entire\nviewing audience is", "one half-drunk slob sitting\nin his underwear, so...", "MIKE:\nBack in five, four...", "Well, let's do a great show\nfor that half-drunk slob.", "Well, that half-drunk slob\nappreciates it.", "The next day, Marshall found\nhimself craving a cigarette.", "It was driving him crazy, so he\ndecided to get some fresh air.", "Oh, no.", "You're not up here to jump,\nare you?", "No, no, no, no.", "I fired a lot of people today.", "I don't need another jumper\nin my file.", "Oh, uh, cigarette?", "No, no, thank you.", "That's too bad.", "You know what I miss, Jeffrey?", "Getting to know\nsomebody over a smoke.", "People are\nso interchangeable now,", "but you share a butt with\nsomebody, you got a real bond.", "You know what?", "I will, I will take one.", "Okay.", "Thank you.", "I'm Marshall, by the way,", "it's Marshall,\nMarshall Eriksen.", "Yeah. Tell me something\nMarshall Eriksen.", "How would you\nlike to see", "a picture of the cutest dog\nin the world?", "Hey.\n- You smoked.", "Yes, I smoked,\nand it was my third of the day.", "You know what\nthat means?", "I'm a smoker now.\nIt's all over.", "I even bought a pack\non the way home and a lighter", "and a Vikings lamp, which has\nnothing to do with anything,", "but I saw it in the window\nand I liked it.", "Damn it, Marshall.", "We already have four\nViking lamps and smoking kills.", "It was a way to bond\nwith my boss, okay?", "You should have seen me\nup there.", "That is a cute dog.", "Yeah.\nAre those your kids?", "Yeah, yeah, whatever.", "Hey, oh, look what I got\nat the mall.", "Aw.\nThere he is.", "There he is.", "Go ahead, you can pet him now.", "No.", "Yeah, yeah,\ncome on, he likes it.", "Scratch him under the chin.", "I don't care\nwhat your reasons are.", "You know how I feel\nabout smoking.", "Now, give me\nthe cigarettes.", "And the lighter.", "Ah, that's the stuff.", "What?! What?!\nOh, yeah,", "add your Aunt Lily to the list.", "Whenever Uncle Marshall fell\noff the wagon,", "your Aunt Lily got dragged\nright down with him.", "What you doing?", "If you must know,\nI am reaching out", "to City Hall to try to get\nthe mayor on our show.", "Oh, my goodness, you are", "adorable,", "but the mayor's not coming\non a show nobody watches.", "My colonoscopy had\nmore viewers than this show.", "At least that had\nsome twists and turns.", "You know, I don't,\nI don't know", "why you're acting\nlike this.", "Maybe you're just bitter\nbecause you never had", "a shot at a network job,", "but I think I still do,\nso I really need to focus.", "I've been\non a network.", "You were on a network?", "It was the best Labor Day\nweekend of my life.", "When you do the news, you're\nin these ergonomic chairs.", "It feels like you're sitting\non a cloud.", "Which was nice 'cause it was\nright after my colonoscopy.", "And the dressing rooms?\nOh.", "There's dressing rooms?\nOh, you bet", "your sweet headset\nthere's dressing rooms, Mike.", "No changing in the KFC\nbathroom across the street.", "No, sir.", "It was heaven.", "But the second you get used\nto it, they go find someone", "who isn't \"going through\na bitter divorce\"", "and doesn't \"reek of gin,\"", "and before you know it,\nyou're stuck", "in a dead-end gig,", "surrounded by people\ngoing nowhere,", "doing the news\nin your tighty whities.", "Okay, the underwear thing\nwas your choice,", "and I don't like", "that it's catching on.", "Ah, looking good,\nfellas.", "Feels good, right?", "God, I want\nto kill him.", "Of course people\nwatch the show.", "You guys watch the show,\nthat's, like, two right there.", "Oh, my God.", "You guys still\nhaven't seen my show.", "What? We never miss it.\nWe've seen it!", "Really? What color is the set?", "Uh...", "Yeah, uh...\nIt's black.", "Right. Yeah.\nWith, like, silver", "Uh-huh. Yeah.\naround the edges.", "Not your TV set, my show set.", "Ah...\nOh...", "God, if I can't even get\nmy best friends to watch,", "who's going to watch?", "Lots of people.", "Uh, you got bedridden\ninsomniacs. Hmm.", "Bums camping outside\na department store.", "People waiting", "in the ER, where\nthe TV is in a cage,", "so you can't change\nthe channel.", "Ooh, do you have any stalkers?", "Yeah, but even Leonard\nwon't watch my show.", "I can't believe those guys\nare smoking out there.", "It's freezing out.", "Remember when you used to be\nable to smoke in bars?", "Oh, hey, dude.\nI think that", "hot girl over there's\nsmiling at me.", "Uh, that's a chair.", "But yeah, dude, hit that.", "MARSHALL:\nGuys?", "Marco!", "Polo!\nPolo!", "Well, it's dividing our group\ninto smokers and non-smokers.", "And that's not healthy.", "You're right.", "Let's go have a smoke.", "What?!\nWhat?!", "Yeah, I'm not proud of it.", "ROBIN:\nLook at you two.", "Smokers.", "Just like the rest of us.", "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,\nwhoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.", "I am not a smoker.", "I only smoke", "in certain situations.", "Postcoital,\nwhen I'm with Germans--", "sometimes those two overlap--", "coital, birthdays,", "to annoy my mom,", "precoital,", "on a sailboat, the day the Mets", "are mathematically eliminated\nevery year,", "and, of course--", "wait for it,\n'cause Lord knows I have--", "pregnancy scares.", "Why are you smoking\nright now?", "I'm always precoital, Ted.", "You know, maybe\nsmoking's not so bad.", "I mean, at least it gets us\nout in the fresh air.", "Yeah, and all the coughing\nreally works my abs.", ":\nI... am... ripped!", "NARRATOR:\nBut, as glamorous as it was,", "within a week,\nwe all hit our breaking point.", "You okay, sweetie?", ": Actually, baby, my\nthroat's a bit sore.", "So, I'm whapping\nhim across the nose", "with the newspaper,\nright? Yeah.", "And my wife says,", "\"Come on, you can't\ntreat your son like that.\"", "I don't know.", "Michael, call 911.", "Oh... oh, my God.", "Okay, yes, yeah, right away.", "It's Marshall, by the way.", "Oh, my God.", "I hope Arthur's okay.", "Dibs on his office if he's not.", "We have to quit smoking.", ":\nHoney, you said a mouthful.", "I wish I had never started.", "I mean, I think back\nto myself at 13 years old.", "If I could only go back\nto that moment...", "I hate that little bastard.", ":\nMe, too.", "Okay, that's it.", "Let's quit.", "Let's... Let's do it.", "Well, I am proud of you guys.", "I have heard how difficult it is\nfor smokers", "like yourself\nto quit,", "so, on behalf of nonsmokers,", "I salute you,\nand I am here to help.", "So, hand in your cigarettes,", "and I will get rid of them\none at a time.", "You're quitting, dollface.", "I know I don't normally\ncall you dollface,", "but it kind of works\nin this voice.", "Dollface.", "Hey, guys.\nHey.", "Uh, I was just wondering, um,", "is anyone else\ninterviewing the mayor", "tomorrow on TV,\nor is it just me?", "Hey, that's great.\nWhoa!", "Hey!", "Yeah, Don can suck it\nwhile I suck this.", "Light me, Marshall.", "Actually, um, we've decided", "that we're all\nquitting smoking.", "That's fantastic.", "I'm sick of you guys\nbumming my cigarettes.", "No, come on, Robin.\nWe-we can't do it", "unless we all do it together.", "No.", "You can sleep with Marshall.", "Oh, God, Lily, no.", "Sorry, baby, you got to take one\nfor the team.", "I-I don't want\nto sleep with Marshall.", "I've seen the looks.\nRight.", "I can't quit right now.", "Not before the biggest interview\nof my life.", "It's-it's too stressful.", "It's too stressful!", "Let's just have one more.\nGive me a cigarette!!", "No, wait! Robin, Robin,\nthink about this", "for a second.", "Bloomberg\nis the antismoking mayor.", "Do you really want to show up", "to that interview\nsmelling like smoke?", "It'd be like interviewing\na vegetarian", "smelling like a McRib.", "Really? Like I'm not going\nthrough enough right now?", "TED:\nLook,", "you're quitting.", "We're all quitting.", "Fine. I'll quit.", "Great. Great.", "We just have to get\nthrough the first 24 hours.", "After that, it's a cakewalk.", "Barney, do you have\nto bite your nails so loud?", "I'm not biting\nmy nails.", "I'm trying to suck\nthe leftover nicotine", "out of my fingertips.", "Marshall, can you\npass the onion rings?", "What, you got dinosaur arms?\nThey're right there.", "What do you think cigarettes\nare doing right now?", "You think they're\nthinking about us?", "Dude, if you don't stop\ntapping your foot,", "it's coming off.", "Oh, my God, Ted,\nI'm so sorry.", "Maybe I should move it a\nlittle bit closer to your ass!", "TED:\nAll right.", "I am ready to do this right now!", "NARRATOR: None of us knew\nwhat we were fighting about.", "We just knew\nwe wanted to smoke.", "More than anything\nin the world.", "It wasn't going very well\nfor Robin, either.", "Sorry I'm late.", "Someone used the microwave,\nand the elevator stopped.", "What are you doing?", "Okay, Don, Don,\nseriously, not tonight.", "Okay, I'm a little bit on edge\nbecause I quit smoking", "for my interview with\nthe mayor, so just...", "Oh, you precious little\nporcelain unicorn, you.", "Why would you do that?", "Why?!", "Because I care, Don.", "I-I care about the show,\nI-I care about my career.", "Unlike you,\nyou unprofessional jerk!", "You're-You're\nsloppy, you're rude,", "and I wish you\nworked half as hard", "as the elastic on those\nstretched-out underpants.", "I'm starting to feel like this\nis getting a little personal.", "No, Don, it would be\ngetting personal", "if I would say\nthat the reason you bounce", "from market to market\nis because you're a loser--", "a lazy,", "obnoxious, loser.", "The mayor canceled.", "In five, four,", "three, two...", "Hi, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.", "You think I'm a loser?", "You're' right. I'm a loser.", "But at least\nI've accepted it.", "A plucky raccoon has been\ncheering up patients", "at a local senior center.", "I used to be just like that.", "Always wanting more\nand never getting it.", "It's a dead end, Robin.", "You're never going to be\na network anchor.", "Just like you're never\ngoing to quit smoking.", "What are you doing?", "I'm enjoying a cigarette.", "Oh, that'll get you there.", "Oh, that's good.", "You want a drag?", "Can we be professionals?", "Please?\nYeah. Yeah, professionals?", "You know who's working\nthe camera right now?", "A chair.", "We're on a show", "where we can't even get\nthe cameraman to watch.", "That's why the mayor\ncanceled, Robin.", "And that's why Mike\nis on a fried chicken run.", "And that's why you\nand I can enjoy a cigarette", "right here on the air.", "No, thank you.", "Why?", "Because of our millions and\nmillions of impressionable viewers?", "Okay... If any\nimpressionable viewers", "have a problem with this,\nplease give us a call.", "The number's on the screen.", "Chirp, chirp?\nChirp, chirp?", "Come on, Robin...", "live a little.", "Oh, that must be Mike.", "He always forgets--\nextra crispy.", "Hello?", "Robin, don't smoke\nthat cigarette!", "Marshall?!", "We're all watching", "and we're all very\nimpressionable.", "And I swear to God,\nif you smoke", "that cigarette,\nwe're all going to smoke.", "You...", "You guys are watching?", ": We sure are, sweetheart,\nand you look fabulous.", "Oh, you guys.", "You don't have to do this,\nRobin. You don't have to smoke.", "Resist it, honey.", "Thanks for the call, guys.", "Oh, she did it!", "Good for her.", "We're not going to smoke.", "I have a pack stashed\nup on the roof.", "Uh-oh.", "I'm awake.\nAnd I'm smoking!", "Robin, you know how dangerous\nit is to wake a sleep smoker?", "It's fine.", "I bought a pack on my way home.", "Hey, great show, Robin.", "LILY:\nYeah, but that", "Don guy, what a tool.", "Well, no, he actually\napologized to me.", "No, I mean when\nhe stood up.", "Those briefs were\npretty revealing.", "You should date that guy.", "Yeah.\nNot in this lifetime.", "NARRATOR: They were\ndating within two months.", "But more on that later.", "Hey, guys, look,\nthe sun's coming up.", "You know what right now\nis a perfect time for?", "A last cigarette ever.", "No, I mean,", "a real last cigarette ever.", "Damn it, let's do it.", "Okay.", "All right.", "Last cigarette ever", "on, uh, on the count of three.", "One...\nTwo...", "Three.", "I wish I could tell you", "this was anyone's last\ncigarette,but it wasn't.", "But we did eventually\nall quit smoking for real.", "Robin's last cigarette\nwas in June 2013.", "Barney's last cigarette\nwas in March 2017.", "Lily's last cigarette\nwas the day", "she started trying\nto get pregnant.", "And Marshall's last cigarette", "was the day\nhis son was born.", "And my last cigarette?", "Two weeks into dating\nyour mother.", "And i'm almost back.", "I'm sorry I hit you, buddy.", "I wanted to make it", "up to you,\nby giving you this.", "Wow, she's hot!", "Yeah. Well... some day,\nyou're going to marry her.", "No way.", "We're pretty lucky.", "Totally.", "I'll be in my tent.", "Oh, no. Wait, hey!", "No, don't, don't do that.", "Well...", "have fun for me."], "How I Met Your Mother S05E12 Girls VS. Suits": ["When you're about to meet\nsomeone really important.", "It's not like life gives\nyou a warning.", "You just look up and there they are.", "Come on, we're going to go\nget trashed on the roof.", "No, not that dude.", "Her.", "I'm good, boomer.", "My name's not boomer.", "Oh, in my head, it is. Gentlemen,", "I'm a faculty member, and you're underage,", "So it's my duty to\nconfiscate this and this and-", "Hard lemonade?", "You know what, boomer?", "You can keep that.", "I swear,", "Every week I get asked by some frat guy", "To a kegger, and I say,", "\"i'm a phd candidate writing\na dissertation entitled", "'foreign direct investment", "And intergenerational linkages\nin consumption behavior.'\"", "And what does frat guy say to that?", ": \"that's hot.\"", "actually, that is kind of hot.", "Ted, I have a confession. Hmm.", "I recognize you.", "Do you remember the first day\nof classes last semester?", "Econ 305?", "Kids, you remember the wrong\nclassroom story.", "I thought I was in architecture 101,\nbut it was econ 305.", "Of course, what I didn't know was", "That your mother was somewhere\nin that class,", "And she thought I was a\ncomplete idiot.", "I thought you were a complete idiot.", "But a very cute idiot.", "So, um, do you ever date cute idiots?", "Almost exclusively.", "Transcript by addic7ed.com", "She's a phd candidate,", "She reads philosophy for fun,", "She does the Sunday crossword\nevery week and finishes it.", "Ooh. Barney: Wow,", "Ted, I am so happy for you\n- sorry,", "Not for you, happy I'm not you.", "Long story short: I have a date tonight.", "Oh, yay.", "hmm?", "Thanks, new york,\nI'll try not to screw it up.", "What's going on?", "There's a huge line outside maclaren's.", "And why is it almost entirely dudes?", "Only two things could cause\nthat kind of commotion.", "Boobs.", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa she's my cherry pie... \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "Ladies and gentlemen,", "Maclaren's has hired a hot bartender.", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa sweet cherry pie, yeah. \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "Look at all these guys.", "The sidewalk's going to\nsmell like pee-pee now.", "Well, we'd better start\nlooking for a new bar.", "What, are you- what, are you- are you crazy?", "It is a hot bartender.", "Do you know how long I have\nbeen waiting to land a...", "My friends, I have been\nwith many women in my day.", "Lawyers, teachers, poets, doctors,", "Professional equestrians,\namateur equestrians...", "A butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker-", "Yes, we're to the rhyming section now-", "A math professor, a tax assessor,\na weight guesser...", "A puppeteer,", "A blackjack dealer,", "A stay-at-home mom- that's a job, too, guys-", "A circuit court judge...", "Get to the point!", "I have never, ever scored a hot bartender", "Until tonight.", "She's really not that hot.", "Aw, is someone jealous of all the attention?", "Did somebody fancy herself\nthe hottest girl in the bar?", "Gosh, no. Shut up!", "All right, wish me luck.", "All right, it's never going to happen.", "Barney, she's just going", "To pretend to like you", "The same way she hypnotized\nall these geniuses.", "Yeah, but guess who's not\ngoing to fall under her spell?", "I'm gonna be all, \"drop the act, baby doll.", "Daddy needs a gin and tonic.\"", "Then when she brings it,", "I'm gonna just spit it\nout and say, \"try again.\"", "Boom! Alpha dog is right where he belongs:", "On top, then after a few minutes,\non the bottom.", "Why should I do all the work?", "Hi, marshall. Guys, what's happening?", "New superhot bartender.", "Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.", "Eh.", "Ha, ha, see?", "Marshall doesn't think she's hot either.", "Yes, he does.", "Baby, you don't have to pretend", "Other women aren't\nattractive just for my sake.", "I know, and if that woman\nwere anywhere near as hot", "As the woman I'm married to,\nthen I'd admit it,", "But she's not.", "Oh, baby, you're so sweet,\nbut compared to that woman,", "I am a big bag of three-day-old garbage.", "Well, I call 'em", "Like I see 'em, and...", "I just think you're the most\nbeautiful woman in the world.", "See, that's just annoying.", "Oh, my god, you are so funny.", "That'll be $6.75.", "Here's a 50, keep the change.", "Oh, thank you.", "Amateurs.", "Hey.", "What do you want? Drop the act, baby doll-", "Wait, what? Are you gonna order", "A drink or are you just gonna\nstand there looking stupid?", "Um...", "I don't know how to make an um.", "Is that equal parts vodka and ge\nt-the-hell-out-of-my face?", "Hey, bobby!", "What's going on?", "Later that night, I embarked", "Upon a very important first date.", "How are you? Good. Come in.", "It's funny, sometimes you\nwalk into a place", "You've never been before,\nbut you get the feeling", "You're exactly where you're supposed to\nbe.", "And kids, that's the first\ntime I ever saw", "Your mother's little yellow bus.", "You know the one.", "It's right behind you.", "Hey, this is cute.", "Actually, it's my roommate's.", "As, kids, standing in your\nmother's apartment,", "Never mind the fact that I was on\na date with her roommate", "Cindy.", "Sorry, I shouldn't be messing", "With your roommate's stuff.", "what's she like?", "I didn't know it,\nbut I was about to hear", "The very first description of the woman I'd\none day marry.", "She's a whore.", "I think she's a dominatrix. What?", "Okay, I'm sorry, none of that is true.", "I have a bit", "Of a roommate complex. Why?", "Guys are always falling in love with her.", "Hey, hey, look at me.", "I promise you", "I am not going to fall in\nlove with your roommate.", "Oops.", "Okay, now that you've had\na closer look, admit it:", "That bartender is the\nhottest woman in this bar.", "Second hottest.", "I repeat...", "Eh.", "Baby, how could you not want to hit that?", "I want to hit that.", "If you don't want to hit that,", "I'm sorry, but you might be gay.", "Hell, yeah, I'm gay.", "Gay for you.", "Whatever. Did you find out why", "I'm the one guy in this entire\nbar she seems to despise?", "I did, um...", "You're not going to like the answer.", "My last three boyfriends were\nwall street guys- bastards-", "So I vowed", "Never again to date", "A guy who wears suits.", "Huh.", "Okay, well, that's easy.", "All I have to do is stop wearing suits. Oh,", "That's all, barney?", "Come on, you're never not in a suit.", "True... But for those- I mean, for that-", "I mean, for her...", "I will stop wearing-", "Wait for it...", "We know you're going to say \"suits.\"", "...Suits.", "Meanwhile, cindy and I", "Were having a lovely evening,", "Except she wasn't kidding about\nher roommate complex.", "And another weird thing about my roommate:", "She does these bizarre paintings\nof robots playing sports.", "Yeah, that is weird.", "I was lying.", "That sounded awesome.", "Your mother's robot\nvolleyball watercolor", "Is hanging up in the den as we speak.", "Yeah,", "And she has this crazy habit", "Of making breakfast food sing show tunes.", "That's just bizarre.", "Your mother's rendition of \"memories\"", "As performed by an english muffin is,\nto this day,", "The most hauntingly beautiful\nthing I've ever heard.", "Look, I'm sold.", "I hate this girl.", "I'm sorry.", "Look, she's not that bad.", "I just get a little jealous.", "I don't know why.", "You're awesome.", "But not as awesome as your mother.", "And speaking of things that\nare less awesome,", "Your uncle barney had\nofficially suited down.", "I am so sorry", "I misjudged you.", "If there is", "One type of person", "That I cannot stand,", "It is a man in a suit.", "That and a woman who has no respect", "For herself.", "Yeah.", "Suits and insecure women\n- I hate 'em.", "Just hate 'em.", "Hey. Hey. Hey, how was", "Your date with cindy?", "Well, last night was great,\ntoday not so much.", "What, why?", "I found out the school's policy", "About students and professors\ndating is really strict.", "I could lose my scholarship.", "Yeah, but I-it's not\nlike you're in my class.", "I mean, we're not even\nin the same department.", "I'm sorry, but I just can't risk it.", "She's completely overreacting, right?", "Actually, ted, she has a point.", "Yeah, and think about it.", "If the rules are that strict,", "You could be putting your job in jeopardy.", "I think, I think you got\nto let this one go, buddy.", "Let's try this again:", "She's completely overreacting, right?", "Of course, they were right.", "I had to let it go,", "But as your uncle barney was about to find\nout,", "It's not so easy to let things go.", ": Suit up.", "Now, none of us had ever seen", "Barney go this long\nwithout suiting up,", "And kids, it wasn't pretty.", "So sorry I'm late.", "I got stuck at work.", "You know how today I had that presentation", "On offshore dividend tax implications?", "Sure, I was totally paying attention", "When you talked about that.", "Right, so I fire up the powerpoint...", "Um, barney?", "Barney. Aah.", ": Suit up.", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "Hey, barney, we're going to order some food.", "Okay, be out in a sec.", "Okay.", "Okay.", "No.", "Out of the way!", "Stay with me.", "It's not your time.", "If anyone could fix\nsomething like this,", "It was barney's personal tailor,", "Tv's tim gunn.", "I'm sorry, barney.", "I couldn't make it work.", "So young.", "There's nothing else you could do?", "No, but there is another suit", "That can use the buttons from your suit.", "That can...", "Like an organ donor?", "Your suit's death could\nmean another suit's life.", "But I...", "Do it.", "You're doing the right thing.", "Please don't cry on this.", "It's silk. I'm sorry.", "I know. I know.", "We cremated the remains.", "His buttons saved the life", "Of a sick little jacket\non the upper east side.", "Well, at least now you can\nfinally drop this quest", "For the so-called hot bartender.", "No.", "My suit gave its life", "For this cause,", "And I will not rest until those...", "I mean, that...", "I mean, she... Is mine.", "He's absolutely right.", "Who, the guy kissing a jar full of dead suit ashes\n- that guy?", "What if cindy is the woman\nI'm supposed to marry,", "And I'm just giving up?", "So long, elegant,\nyet welcoming home in westchester", "With a sensible mortgage I can handle", "Without dipping into my savings.", "Bye-bye, two kids I raised\nwith a stern, yet loving hand,", "Finding the perfect balance between", "Father and friend.", "Adios, triplet schnauzers,\nfrank, lloyd and wright.", "Ted! Ted! Ted!", "The point is,", "I'm not giving up, either!", "Ooh. Ooh.", "I don't know why I just did that.", "Barney, I'm so sorry about your friend.", "Tell me about him.", "he was italian.", "Classy, elegant.", "And boy, did he have a way with the ladies.", "They just couldn't say no.", "How old was he? Seven.", "I miss him so much!", "You shouldn't be alone tonight.", "I'm gonna end my shift early.", "Thank you, old friend.", ": You're going out with a bang.", "Come on, marshall.", "Just admit that she's hotter than me.", "I won't be hurt.", "Can't do it.", "You're hotter.", "Oh, she's a goddess!", "Her skin glows.", "Her legs go for miles.", "And that ass?", "I would wear that thing for a hat.", "Last night in bed, I'll admit it,", "She popped into my head a couple of times.", "Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you try...?", "Like, you think she's hotter than me?", "I never said that.", "Oh, my god!", "You do.", "It's apples and oranges.", "She's younger than you.", "I'm just saying, like,", "Me in my prime versus her in her prime.", "Well...", "Oh, my god!", "You guys, her hotness isn't even real!", "It's circumstantial hotness.", "Watch.", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa she's my cherry pie \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa cool drink of water,\nsuch a sweet surprise \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa taste so good,\nmake a grown man cry... \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "I\n- I suppose you think she's hotter than me, too.", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa wow! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "What the hell are you doing?! What?", "You're not allowed back here.", "Oh, no. Uh, I... Carl, look.", "No. I-I don't want to go back.", "Please, please, don't make me go back.", "You got to go. Don't. I...", "You got to go. I just...", "No, carl. I was...\nI was somebody back there!", "Everybody loved me.", "Hey. Hi.", "Can we talk?", "My roommate's just about\nto get out of the shower.", "Let's talk in my room.", "Okay.", "Look, cindy, I know", "The university rulebook says we can't date.", "But it also says, \"don't teach drunk,\"", "And I do that all the time.", "The point is,", "I like you.", "I do.", "You're sweet, you're funny.", "You're writing a dissertation", "Entitled,", "Foreign direct investment", "And intergenerational linkages\nand consumption behavior.", "I mean, that is hot.", "I know this sounds crazy, but...", "I feel like our paths are\nsupposed to cross somehow.", "And I don't want to miss out on knowing you.", "I don't want to miss out\non knowing you, either.", "Look, I got to tell you,", "I mean, just from looking around your room,", "I can tell we have a ton in common.", "Really?", "The unicorns?", "Who will cut our hair\nwhen we're gone?", "I have never met anyone\nelse who has this album.", "That's my roommate's. I borrowed it.", "Oh.", "Well, well, what about this?", "World's end by t.C. Boyle?", "That was a birthday gift...\nFrom my roommate.", "Haven't checked it out yet.", "Oh. Oh, you should.", "It's-it's a good read.", "Well, what about this? This is ridiculous.", "You play bass?", "Seriously, ask my friends.", "I always say, my ideal woman...", "Does not play bass, because\nthis is clearly your roommate's.", "She's in a band.", ": Damn, that's cool.", "This is unbelievable.", "You just picked out the\nonly three things in here", "That are my roommate's.", "So, does your roommate's band\never play shows, or...? Get out.", "Kids, as you probably guessed,", "That wasn't the night I\nmet your mother.", "Although I think I glimpsed her foot.", "But I did get a little bit closer", "To meeting the woman of my dreams.", "And your mom-", "Well, she got her yellow\numbrella back.", "It was just so special, you know?", "I feel like we should give\nhim a moment of silence.", "Followed by, like, 20 minutes of grunting.", "I'm gonna make you feel all better.", "Let me just go freshen up.", "All right.", "Oh, wait. No, no, that's not the bathroom!", "That...", "Are these yours?", "I'm suit-sitting for someone.", "Barney, you lied to me.", "You have to choose right now.", "Me... Or the suits.", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa I know what you're thinkin',\n\"what's barney been drinkin'?\" \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa that girl was smokin' hot! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa yes, I coulda nailed her,\nbut no, it's not a failure \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa 'cause there's one\nthing she is not \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa to score a ten\nwould be just fine \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa but I'd rather be\ndressed to the nines \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa it's a truth you can't refute \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa nothin' suits me like a suit! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa picture a world \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa where all the boys and girls\nare impeccably well-dressed! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa that delivery guy\nin a jacket and tie \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa that puppy in a double breast! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa that eighties dude\nwith muttonchops \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa that baby with a lollipop! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa that lady cop who's kinda cute \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa nothing suits\nthem like a suit! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa suits! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa a wingman I can\nwear! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa suits! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa they're,\noh, so debonair \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa suits! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa the perfect way to snare\na girl with daddy issues \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa suits! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa in navy blue or\nblack! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa check out this perfect rack \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa I want to give them a squeeze \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "Oh, really!", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa then answer these questions \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa if you please \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa what would you do\nif you had to choose \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa between your suits\nand a pot of gold? \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa suits \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa what would you say if\nyou gave your suits away \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa and in return you'd\nnever grow old? \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa suits \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa what would you pick:\nOne million chicks \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa or a single three-piece suit?", "It's moot.", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa what if world peace\nwere within your reach? \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "I'm gonna stop you right there.", "It's suits.", "Come on, lily,\nget your head out of your ass.", "Two, three, four!", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa girls will go and\ngirls will come \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa but there's only one absolute! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa every bro on the\ngo needs to know \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa that there's no\naccepted substitute! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa I'm sorry, suits,\nlet's make amends \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa my Sunday best are\nmy best friends! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa send casual Friday\ndown the laundry chute \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa 'cause nothing suits\nthe undisputed \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa oft-saluted suitor of repute \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa like... \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa a... \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "Wait for it.", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa suit... \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa nothing suits him \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa like... A... \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa\n\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa suit... \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa suit! Up! Suit! Up! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa suit up! Suit up! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa suit...! \u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00a2\u00c3\u0082T\u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00aa", "Then again, she is pretty hot.", "I choose you, baby.", "First thing tomorrow,\nI'm getting rid of these suits.", "Really?", "Yeah.", "Mmm.", "Mmm. Mmm.", "You guys are fine."], "How I Met Your Mother S05E13 Jenkins": ["Times square on\nnew year's eve,", "Rockefeller center\naround christmastime...", "Yeah! But most of all...", "A college bar? Oh, man.", "We're probably going to\nrun into my students.", "They're going to corner me\nand want a free lecture.", "I don't even have\nmy slide projector.", "damn it.", "Ted, I've been skee-ball\nchamp here since law school.", "I have to pop in at\nleast once a month", "To maintain my record.", "Whoa. Looks like you've\nbeen gone a while.", "Some guy named big fudge\nhas been cleaning up.", "Yeah, he has.", "And you're big fudge.", "The biggest.", "Um, so by the way,", "I-I have to tell you\nsomething. Yeah.", "I, uh... invited jenkins.", "Jenkins? No way!", "We'd all started\nhearing about jenkins", "A few weeks earlier.", "You guys will not believe\nwhat jenkins did this time.", "Who's jenkins?", "Oh, he's this hilarious", "New lawyer at\nmarshall's office.", "Hilarious.", "Okay, so there's this jar", "Of maraschino cherries\nin the fridge at work.", "So, jenkins says,", "\"200 bucks,\nI'll eat the whole jar.\"", "So, we give jenkins\n200 bucks...", "Jenkins.", "And after that,\nthe stories kept coming.", "So, the cfo comes in to sign\nsome acquisition papers.", "So, jenkins goes,", "\"Excuse me, mr. Wilcox.", "I think we forgot one\nof the documents.\"", "Jenkins!", "So, we all go out for\nbeers after work.", "Jenkins gets up on the\nbar and starts gyrating", "Like some sort of\nderanged stripper.", "Next thing you know,\noff comes the shirt!", "It was so gross.", "All : jenkins.", "Right?", "Well, it'll be great to\nfinally meet the famous jenkins", "After all those stories. Yeah.", "And there's about to\nbe one more story.", "I'm going to bang jenkins.", "What? You heard me.", "You-you want to have\nsex with jenkins?", "With jenkins, on jenkins,\nnear jenkins.", "You name it. I want to\nwear jenkins like a sock.", "You... but you're...", "Haven't you... i'm...", "Really? Woman: hey, guys.", "Ted, this is jenkins.", "Oh.", "Okay, this is going\nto sound crazy,", "But I thought\njenkins was a guy.", "What? That's crazy!", "What gave you that idea? Oh,\nI don't know.", "Maybe the whole \"Jenkins peed\nout the window of a cab\" Story.", "Yeah. Much more\nimpressive now, isn't it?", "Yeah. Okay, I'll come clean!", "It all started a\nfew weeks ago.", "By the way, four eyes,\nnew lawyer.", "This is jenkins.", "Watch out for this guy.", "He steals stuff.", "I don't steal stuff.", "And I don't wear glasses.", "I'm marshall. Hi, marshall.", "So, are you really a vikings fan\nor was he lying about that, too?", "Why? Is this a trap?", "Are you a packers fan?", "My wife knows I'm here.", "She doesn't have money,\nbut what she does have", "Is a very special\nset of skills.", "I'm a vikings fan, too!", "I bleed purple and gold.", "I'm from pelican rapids.", "Pelican rapids?", "No way. Yeah.", "My grandpa lives\nin pelican rapids.", "Well, I mean, he's dead now,", "But he haunts a\nbarn off route 108.", "whoa!", "Hold it, hold it. Dude,", "If you tell me\nyou have a thing", "For a woman that\nis not your wife,", "I will drag you outside\nand kick your ass.", "Okay, first of all...\ncome on, buddy.", "You can't handle the fudge.", "Second of all, no.", "I think of her like a...\nA big brother.", "Who, I guess, has boobs.", "But so does my oldest brother,\nmarvin jr. Anyway,", "That night,\nI told lily about it.", "Jenkins.", "Aw. I can't wait to meet him.", "I should have corrected her.", "It would have been so easy.", "But I didn't, so,", "After that, whenever I\ntalked about jenkins,", "I always avoided pronouns.", "So, the head of\nmarketing comes in", "To choose people for\nthe midwest audit.", "So, he goes, \"Him, him, her,", "\"Him, him...", "Jenkins, him, her.\"", "Look, I don't understand why\nyou wouldn't just tell lily.", "Do you really think she'd\nbe all that jealous?", "Ted, think about those\nstories I told you.", "Yeah, I could see how\nthat'd be a problem.", "Exactly. That's why\nlily can't find out.", "Lily can't find out what?", "That marshall's going\nto buy her a horse.", "You are?", "That is so awesome!", "I love those things.", "Hey, guys, why...", "Why is that kid over\nthere staring at me?", "I think I know what this is.", "I think it has\nfinally happened.", "I'm getting\nrecognized fromy show.", "Oh, robin, that is so cute.", "But that's scotty.", "He's one of my students,\nand he's looking at me. Oh.", "How weird is it that I'm\nmore famous than you?", "I'm on tv.", "Yeah, and I have 30\nstudents in my class.", "That's what,\n30 times your viewership?", "Now, this will give\nscotty a little thrill--", "Buying a drink\nfor the old prof.", "All right, scotter,\none question", "About neoclassical\narchitecture, and that is it.", "You're robin\nscherbatsky, right?", "What? Yes, I am.", "Wow. Look,\nI-I didn't mean to stare.", "It's just, I watch\nyour show all the time.", "Really?", "Really?", "Totally.", "What are you doing\nout with ted?", "Uh, it's professor mosby.", "We're friends.", "Holy crap!", "Robin scherbatsky is friends\nwith my econ professor.", "It's architecture!", "All right,\nyou know what, scotty?", "You're crowding us.\nHit the bricks.", "Wait a minute.\nYou're big fudge.", "Go!", "Hello?", "Hey, baby, I'm on my way up.", "What? Why?", "There was a measles\noutbreak at school,", "And they called a half day.", "Thought I'd come by here,\nhave lunch,", "Maybe give you the measles.", "Okay.", "Um, I have a problem.", "That was my wife.", "When I first mentioned you,", "She mistakenly thought\nyou were a guy, and so...", "So, now you're worried\nthat when she finds out", "I'm a woman, she's going\nto totally flip out.", "Yes. E-exactly.", "Oh, geez. Oh, gosh. Okay.", "Okay, I was in an improv group", "In pelican rapids.\nFollow my lead. Okay.", "Hey! Hey, baby.", "Mmm. Oh, oh, hi.", "I'm lily, marshall's wife.", "I am from the french embassy.", "I am here because of a\nsmall but significant", "Cheese incident\nthat occurred...", "She's jenkins!", "You're jenkins?", "Yeah, well, that, uh,\ncamembert crisis", "Isn't going to resolve itself,", "So I'll catch you\nguys on the flip-flop.", "Marshall cringed.", "This was the moment\nhe had feared.", "The famous jenkins!", "How about that?", "Funny, I was picturing a guy.", "Anywho, lunch?", "Wait. W-w-w-w-wait.", "So... so, you're\nnot jealous at all?", "I never have to worry about\nyou with another woman.", "Right, because we're so\nhopelessly in love, right?", "Yeah, sure.", "Anywho, lunch?", "She wasn't jealous at all.", "Of course, she wasn't jealous.", "That's the whole dynamic\nof your relationship.", "What's that supposed to mean?", "Uh, it's like this, my man.", "Every good relationship has\na reacher and a settler.", "Exactly. One person reaches", "For someone out\nof their league;", "The other one settles for\nsomeone below theirs.", "I did not settle for lily.", "Okay, yes,\nshe's a little short,", "And-- true- my mom\nsays she doesn't have", "The hips to birth an\neriksen child, but...", "Oh, my god, you guys\nthink I'm the reacher.", "That's why lily's not jealous.", "The settler is never jealous\nof the reacher because,", "Where is the reacher\ngoing to go?", "The settler, lily,\nis the best thing", "That the reacher, marshall,\nis ever going to get.", "No. No... okay.", "Yes, I am lucky to have lily,", "But lily is just as lucky...\nto have me.", "Okay. Neither one of\nus is the reacher.", "Dude, you are so the reacher.", "You're getting her a horse!", "What? Shh. Take the hit.", "Take the hit.", "Thus ending modern\narchitecture's", "Very brief experiment with the\nv-frame house.", "Excuse me a second.", "What are you doing here?", "I noticed you forgot\nsomething this morning,", "So I thought I'd bring it by.", "Your pen. This is your pen.", "And you chewed on the\nend of it. Recently.", "Ah, not a problem, ted.", "Your class was on my way\nto work. No, it's not.", "At come on, get up new york!,", "Where I'm an anchor, so...", "I watch your show\nall the time.", "What?!", "You watch the show? Oh!", "Well, paint me flattered.\nAny other fans out there?", "Oh, we got... oh.", "Okay, all right.\nThanks for coming by, robin.", "Oh, well, tune in tonight.", "I am doing a great\npiece on snail poison.", "Also,", "Who's got the worst\npizza in new york?", "I'll give you the\nanswer after traffic", "On the ones, threes,\nfives and nines.", "Really?", "You guys watch her show?", "It's like watching a wel\nl-lit aquarium,", "But not as interesting.", "And now that I think about it,\nnot as well lit.", "Well, the truth is,", "We watch it for\nthe drinking game.", "The who now?", "Her morning show\ncomes on so early,", "We're usually\nstill at the bar,", "So whenever she\ndoes an interview,", "You have to drink every\ntime she says, \"But, um..\"\"", "\"But, um...\"?", "\"But, um...\"", "Apparently, she says it a lot.", "It's funny.", "I had a drinking\ngame based on robin,", "But it was actually on robin.", "I'd pour peach schnapps\nin her belly button...", "Dude, we agreed we\nwouldn't do this.", "Sorry. You're right.", "She didn't like it anyway.", "Said it woke her up.", "Does she really say \"But,\num..\"\" That much?", "That night, we found out\njust how much she said it.", "Robin : oh, that's great.", "But, um... ted: but,\num... barney: nice.", "This wasn't your first", "Spelling bee, was it?", "Nope. Third.", "Oh, good for you.", "But, um...", "But, um...", "But, um... but, um...", "Hmm.", "Interesting article\nin the paper.", "Says that in every relationship,\nthere's a reacher and a settler.", "Really? Let me see it.", "No, uh, it's not\nin this newspaper.", "It's in one I\nread a while back.", "This newspaper reminded\nme of the other newspaper.", "Anywho...", "What do you think about that?", "Well, I guess sometimes\nthat's the case.", "But not in ours.", "What? No, of course not.", "Right.", "Well, say-- gun to your head--", "You had to say one of\nus was the reacher.", "Well, I'd say it's neither.", "That's what makes us great.", "Okay, now there's\na gun to my head", "And our future children,\nand our future cat or monkey,", "Depending on who\nwins the game of risk", "We've been playing\nfor three years.", "Nope.", "No reacher, no settler.", "Mmm. Mmm.", "Well, how about this?", "This went on for a while.", "Until finally...", "Our two kids,", "Our eight grandkids,\nour 11 great-grandkids", "Are all on a plane\npiloted by oprah", "And it's about to crash\ninto an art museum", "With all of your\nfavorite paintings,", "And the only way... the\nonly way to save everything", "Is just... is just to\nanswer the question:", "Are you the reacher\nor the settler?", "And oprah's tried everything?", "Everything!", "You have to decide now.", "Well, I guess,\nif I had to say,", "Then maybe I'd say", "I'm the settler.", "How could you say that?!", "She thinks that\nshe's the settler.", "I mean, that's it.", "I gotta-I gotta prove to her\nthat I am not the reacher.", "I gotta make her jealous.", "Well, that's easy.\nHere's the plan.", "*Sleep with jenkins.", "*I sleep with jenkins first.", "*We do step two first.", "I'm gonna go get\nstarted on step two.", "Okay, okay, I got something.", "Remember the other night,\nthe skee-ball game?", "When you were putting nothing\nbut wood in the 50 hole?", "Whatever.", "Just another night\nfor big fudge.", "You thought she was into me?", "Full-on lady wood.", "Yes.", "Of course.", "A plan taketh shape.", "If lady lily's jealousy", "Young marshall cannot budge,", "Then perchance,\nfair gentles, big fudge...", "Can...", "Make her jealous.", "Okay, let me try that again.", "If lady lily's...\nI got it, buddy.", "I got it.", "Ted, I have got a great idea.", "Oh, is it \"clean your hair", "\"out of the shower drain\nwhen you're done\"?", "Seriously, it's like you're\ntrying to carpet the tub.", "If you wanted to print out one\nof your lectures or something,", "I could read it on air.", "Coming from a more\nentertaining source,", "Your students might actually pay\nattention and learn something.", "Oh, you're entertaining?", "Last night, there was\nthree minutes of dead air", "While you sewed a button\nback on your sweater.", "Look, just because your class\nlikes me more than you...", "You're a drinking game! What?", "That's why they watch.", "They made a drinking\ngame out of you.", "Every time you say \"But,\num...\"\" They do a shot.", "\"But, um...\"? Yeah.", "I don't say, \"But, um...\"", "I've never said, \"But, um...\"", "Well, then, I guess it's not\na very good drinking game.", "Which would mean last night,\nwhen barney and I played it,", "I didn't get super wasted and\nthrow up all over myself.", "Oh, wait, I did both\nof those things.", "So, face.", "Hey, jenkins. Hey, buddy.", "Hey, so, um,", "Lily and I are gonna go back\nto that college bar again.", "And, uh, we were wondering\nif maybe you wanted to come.", "Uh, you could just, like,\nwatch me play skee-ball", "Or do exactly what you\ndid the other night.", "Something like that.", "It's really up to you.\nI mean, I know that...", "Hey, baby,\nwhat are you doing home?", "\"Baby.\"", "That's... that's a\nname I don't deserve.", "What?", "Jenkins kissed me.", "She kissed me.", "The other day,\nshe saw me play skee-ball,", "And I don't know, I guess", "She caught some of\nthe big fudge fever.", "But you have to know", "I stopped it right away.", "And just, you're the\nonly one for me, baby.", "Oh, I see what this is.", "This is about the whole\nreacher/settler thing.", "Come again for big fudge?", "You want to make me jealous,", "So you're making up a\nstory about jenkins.", "I'm not making this up!", "This happened.", "That woman kissed\nme with tongue.", "Her-her tongue\nwas in my mouth.", "Sure it was.", "It was thick and rough\nlike a starfish arm.", "Oh, I'm so jealous.", "I'm just gonna go over there\nand punch her right in the nose.", "Give her a knuckle sandwich.", "Come on, baby.\nYou want some soup?", "It happened!", "Do you have any...", "Split pea left?", "These are just a few of\nthe many contributions", "He made to\narchitecture and yet", "He is only remembered\nfor one thing.", "That my friends,\nis the sad legacy", "Of gregorio franchetti gazebo.", "Any questions?", "Hey, do you want to go out\ndrinking with us tonight?", "What?", "Yeah, we're gonna play", "The robin scherbatsky\ndrinking game.", "We were wondering if\nyou wanted to join us.", "Well, what can I say except \"\nBut, ums up.\"", "Can I still come?", "I'll pay. Nice.\nOh, yeah. Yeah.", "Okay.", "So, your third book was your\nbreakout novel but, um...", "But, um...!", "Damn!", "Sorry.", "But-- just \"But\" No \"Um,\n\" Just \"But.\"", "Your first novel was\nwritten more quickly.", "That's correct.", "But, um... all: but, um...!", "How great is this?!", "And it was right then\nthat robin got an idea", "That would end the\ndrinking game forever.", "I wanted to ask you about", "The novel you're\nwriting right now.", "But, um... all: but, um...!", "...it's an idea you've\nhad for a, but, um...", "But, um...!", "...long time, but, um...?", "But, um...!", "No... no, no, no.", "Don't drink, it's a trap!", "I think I'm gonna go.", "You can keep your ten bucks.", "Okay, but, um,\nthanks for being with us.", "But, um, if there's any\ncollege kids watching,", "But, um, but, um, but,\num, but, um, but, um,", "We have to drink, professor.", "It's the rules.\nShe said \"But, um\"", "But, um, but, um, but,\num... god help us all.", "Here you are.", "I'm so sorry I\nkissed you yesterday.", "That's okay.", "And I'm sorry I had sex\nwith you in the mailroom.", "That wasn't me.", "Oh, good grief, that's two", "Awkward conversations\nI have to have today.", "I don't normally do that.", "I-I was really drunk.", "You were drunk at 8:\n00 in the morning?", "Yeah, I don't know\nhow that happened.", "Robin : I thought snail\npellets were safe, but, um...", "But, um...!", "I gotta get to work.", "Man, that game is\nreally catching on.", "Damn it, how could I do this?", "It's okay.", "No, you know what,\nit's not okay.", "You're the nicest guy\nin this stupid office", "And I really don't want to\nscrew up our friendship.", "This is so embarrassing.", "Please don't tell anyone.", "No, who am I gonna tell?", "Lily?", "I told lily.", "Oh, for pete's sake, well,\nI gotta go talk to her.", "I gotta apologize.", "No! No! Don't... yes.", "Marshall, I'm just gonna\ntell her that it happened,", "That it meant nothing\nand that I'm sorry.", "No, I...", "Yes.", "Yes. Do that.", "I will.", "Yeah, and if you don't\nhave time for all that,", "Just tell her it happened,\nand that you're sorry.", "And if you're in a real rush,", "you don't even have to say,\n\"I'm sorry\"\"", "Just tell her\nthat it happened.", "That's the important part,\nthat it actually happened.", "So emphasize that\nas much as you can.", "And so, lily, I guess", "What I'm saying is,\nit happened.", "I feel terrible about it,\nand I'm really sorry.", "Well... it happened.", "What are you going to do?", "It happened.", "Terrible! But like I said...", "It happened.", "Exactly, and I feel\nawful about it.", "And I'd hate myself\nif what I did", "Hurt you in any way or affected\nyour relationship with marshall.", "Please forgive me.", "Kiss my husband?!", "My husband?! Nobody kisses", "My future baby daddy but me!", "Marshall, you're\nblocking the shot!", "Well, I...", "And, kids, your uncle marshall", "Never tried to make\nlily jealous again.", "That's good.", "Okay, we're just going to have\na nice, low-key class today.", "Not a lot of talking.", "No loud noises.", "'sup guys?", "No, no, no, no.\nPlease, just... just go away.", "I just wanted to\ndrop by and say...", "Thanks for watching", "Come on, get up new york!"], "How I Met Your Mother S05E14 Perfect Week": ["We all have different ways\nof dealing with nerves.", "It'll just be a few more\nminutes, Mr. Stinson.", "Some people chew their nails.", "Some people tap their feet.", "And some people imagine\nthey're being interviewed", "by renowned sportscaster\nJim Nantz.", "Hello, friends.", "Every sport has had an icon\nwho transcends the game.", "Boxing had Ali,\nbasketball had Jordan,", "and the sport of sleeping\nwith random hotties", "has my next guest,\nMr. Barney Stinson.", "Barney, welcome.\nThanks, Jim.", "Great to be back\non the show.", "Good to have\nyou with us.", "And, you know,\nthe stats,", "they really speak\nfor themselves.", "Over 200 women spanning\nsix continents,", "17 nationalities,", "74 sexual positions\nand not a single fatty.", "It's impressive.", "Hey, uh, with all\nthese accomplishments, though,", "there's one laurel\nthat's always eluded you.", "Which brings us to last week.", "What was the story there?", "Buckle up, Jimbo,", "this one's a doozy.", "It all started when I decided", "to set myself\na little challenge.", "Oh, my God.\nWhoa.", "He's calling his shot.", "Whatever girl I'm\npointing to right now,", "that's who I'm going\nhome with tonight.", "And...", "Play ball!", "Hey.\nHey.", "How'd the date\nwith Dale go?", "You know, sometimes, that guy\nwith the horn-rimmed glasses", "and the Smurfs T-shirt\nis just being ironic.", "Sometimes,", "he is a dork\nwith a lazy eye", "and a love-hate relationship\nwith Gargamel.", "Robin, just because\na guy talks a lot", "about a fictional character\non a first date", "doesn't mean he's not\nhusband material.", "Sasquatch isn't fictional.", "That was quick.", "So, night one was\npretty routine.", "Jim, there is nothing routine\nabout the way I get down.", "Respect.", "Take us to night two.", "See that hottie over there\nnursing a Black Russian?", "She's about to chase that\nwith a white American.", "Up top!", "You know...", "if you're not careful,\nyou're going to lose me.", "You guys,\nwhat should I say", "when Dale calls\nfor a second date?", "How do you know\nhe's going to call?", "(laughs)", "You're cute, Marshall.", "But I think Mama knows\nwhen a dude's digging the show.", "I mean, he couldn't keep\nhis good eye off me.", "TED:\nWell, let him down easy.", "People are fragile.", "And sometimes, without\neven meaning to,", "you might rip someone's\nbeating heart out", "and stomp on it in a\nroom full of 26 people", "and a teacher's\nassistant.", "How did school\ngo today, Ted?", "Something bad happened.", "It was the first class\nof the new semester...", "Jamie Adamic.", "Hi.", "Brian Glow-atz.", "Glau-atz?", "Hi.", "Well done.", "Adding a fake name\nto the sign-up sheet.", "That's, uh... that's\nreal original, guys.", "You know, I'd expect", "inspired minds such as yours\nto be a little more mature,", "and frankly, more creative.", "I mean, seriously.", "What kind of a fake name\nis Cook Pu?", "Here. (laughs) Come on, guys.", "It's got to at least sound real.", "Cook Pu?", "Here.", "Whatever happened\nto the classics?", "Right, you know?", "Seymour Butts.", "Hugh Gerection.", "Those were fake names,\nbut Cook Pu?", "(crying):\nHere.", "Cook Pu!", "She's back here, bro.", "(laughing)", "All right, come on,\nlet me have it.", "Bring on all the\nCook Pu jokes.", "Oh, we're not going\nto make jokes, Ted.", "I mean, that girl must be\nreally down in the dumps.", "MARSHALL:\nYou really...", "smeared the Pu name.", "You guys finished?", "Are you asking us if all the Pu\nis out of our system?", "(laughing)", "LILY:\nWow, back-to-back nights.", "Barney is on fire.", "That girl's lucky.", "Barney was the best sex\nI ever had.", "He's the best friend\nI've ever had.", "He's everything I\nwant Marshall to be.", "He's everything\nI wish I could be.", "I'm just assuming that's what\nthey say when I'm not around.", "I buy it. You're awesome.", "Now, night three.", "Paint us a word picture.", "Jim, I could tell\nI was on a roll,", "so I decided to mix things up\na little bit.", "I think I'm going to go\nsmall boobs tonight.", "You're disgusting.", "Lily, they're\npeople, too.", "Here's your burgers.\nOh, thank you.", "Thanks. TED: What,\nyou're not sharing?", "You two always share a burger.", "No, we don't.", "We're not like weirdos\nwho share everything.", "Uh, yeah, you are.\nThat's exactly what you are.", "We're perfectly normal!", "Guys, what's going on?", "You know how Lily and I", "have been looking\nfor new couple friends", "ever since we lost\nRobin and Barney,", "and Ted and Stella,", "and Ted and Robin,\nand Ted and Victoria?", "Geez, Ted, when are you going\nto get your life together?", "How did we end up here?", "We went on a great\ndouble date last night.", "It... we were cool.", "We were casual.", "We didn't spaz out.", "And then, one tiny\nlittle detail came out", "and the whole night\nwas ruined. Ruined!", "(laughter)\nAnd Joanna's toothbrush", "flips off the side\nof the sink,", "hits the ceiling and falls\nright into the toilet.", "Come on.\nThat's... That's crazy.", "Last week, the same thing\nhappened to our toothbrush.", "Our toothbrush?", "Yeah.", "Like, one toothbrush?", "That you both use?", "Every day?", "Is that weird?", "ALL:\nSuper weird.", "Marshall, four\nout of five dentists", "just threw up\nin their mouths.", "Hey, check it out.", "Barney's leaving\nwith another girl.", "LILY:\nWow.", "Three girls in\nthree nights.", "That's gross,\neven for Barney.", "Gross? Are you kidding?", "He's on his way\nto a perfect...", "(stammering):\nDon't say it!", "You'll jinx it.", "Jinx what?", "I was on my way toward...", "a perfect week.", "Transcript by Addic7ed.com", "The perfect week.", "Seven nights, seven girls,\nzero rejections.", "Incredible.", "I mean, it's really\nlike the sexual equivalent", "of baseball's perfect game,\nbut even rarer.", "Yeah.\nUh, the only player in history", "to have ever achieved both", "was Mustache Pete Drexell\nback in 1896.", "(crowd cheering,\nlively organ music playing)", "Now, this wasn't\nthe first time", "you'd come close\nto a perfect week.", "You learned the hard way,\nthough-", "one mistake, and it's all over.", "Sometimes,\na teammate makes an error.", "Sometimes, one wild pitch...", "You, me, the canned food aisle\nin the bodega next door.", "...leads to a walk.", "And sometimes,\nyou just lose focus.", "And that almost always leads\nto a hit.", "But this week,\nyou were three for three", "with no sign of slowing down.", "I could do no wrong.", "Wish I could say the same\nfor my friends.", "Cook didn't show up\nfor class today.", "I'm sorry.", "Cook?", "Yeah, Ted, we know, like,\na ton of people named Cook.", "Yeah.", "Cook Pu.", "(laughter, phone ringing)", "Uh-oh, here we go.", "The dreaded Dale call.", "Oh. It's my mom.", "She's going through some pretty\nmajor league health stuff.", "God, why won't\nthat guy call?", "LILY:\nWait a minute.", "You want him to call?", "No! Shut up.", "Don't you guys\nhave, like, a...", "like, a toothbrush\nto share or something?", "TED: Yeah. When did you guys\neven start doing that anyway?", "Like, years ago.", "You should know.\nWe lived with you.", "Uh, yeah,\nbut you always", "kept your toothbrush\nin the bedroom.", "Also weird, by\nthe way. LILY: No.", "We kept it\nin the bathroom.", "No, there was only one\ntoothbrush in the bathroom,", "and it was mine.", "Wait.", "Are you saying that,\nfor eight years,", "all three of you\nshared one toothbrush?", "Oh, my God. TED: Kill me.", "Kill me!\nI love this so much.", "So, you're through four nights.", "You're over the hump.", "Nice, Jim.", "Hey, I try.\nI'm no you.", "(both chuckling)", "But then came night five,\nand with it, trouble.", "Beer here.", "Hey.", "Hey.", "How's, uh... how's Barney\ndoing tonight?", "Cool as a cucumber.", "Just like he's been all week.", "Yeah? That's hard\nto believe.", "Why?", "Apparently, this big merger\nfell through last week", "and Barney's\nbeing blamed for it.", "Oh, that's weird.", "He hasn't said\nanything.", "Look, I work\nwith the guy.", "I didn't find out\nuntil this afternoon,", "when I walked\nby his boss's office.", "...you cost this company,\nStinson?!", "I'd never seen Barney\nlook that scared.", "I... I think he's\ngoing to get fired.", "I can't believe Barney\nmight get fired.", "Yeah, they're having\na meeting on Friday", "to determine whether or not\nhe keeps his job.", "Poor guy.\nHe must be freaking out.", "Yeah, I'm going to go talk\nto him. (stammering): No!", "You can't distract a man", "in the middle of a...\nyou-know-what.", "Oh, come on,\nthis is his career.", "This is much more important\nthan some stupid perfect...", "Ah!", "O- Okay.", "You can lick my hand\nas long as you want.", "I'm not going to let you\nruin his... Ow!", "Guys, we need\nto talk to him.", "I'll go.", "He needs a bro.", "Hey, buddy.\nHey.", "Everything all right?", "Absolutely. Sure.", "Top of the world.", "(sighs)", "Who am I kidding?", "I need your help.", "Anything, buddy.", "What is it?", "(sighs)", "Which one of these girls\nlooks the dumbest?", "All right, kid.", "Let's check\nthe scouting report.", "What about the heater?", "High and outside?", "All right.", "I'd go with the slider.", "Thanks, Skip.", "Yep.", "So, what did he say?", "Hmm? Oh!\nYeah, he's going", "to take a swat at the\nHamburglar over there.", "You were supposed\nto talk", "to him about\nlosing his job.", "Lily, how is forcing him\nto dwell on a problem", "he can do nothing about\ngoing to help him?", "How is ignoring it going\nto solve anything?", "Well, you ignored\ngood dental hygiene", "for the better\npart of a decade,", "and you seem to\nbe doing just...", "Cook Pu! (giggling): Cook Pu.", "Dale call yet?\nWhy do you got to...", "Guys, guys, guys, look!", "Barney, I'm going to\nstop you for a second.", "There's something I have to ask.", "Have you ever used", "performance-enhancing drugs?", "No, sir.", "I respect the game too much.", "Although, I can't say\nI haven't been offered.", "Dude, it was pretty awesome.", "You should try it.", "I have, I have some more.", "No, thanks.", "You sure?", "All right, suit yourself.", "What time is it?", "It's, uh, 8:00.\n8:00?", "I need to go to the hospital.", "I'd never touch the stuff.", "You can test me if\nyou want, Jim Nantz.", "Barney, I trust you.", "I regret I even asked you\nthe question.", "Okay, let's go to night six.", "Two girls away from perfection.", "(chattering) Hey! Hey.", "Dude, what are you doing here?\nGet down to the bar!", "Ted, relax.", "I'm already six for six.", "Really?\nYeah.", "I was lunching\nat Tavern on the Green,", "I started chatting up\nthis Swedish supermodel.", "Next thing you know,\nI'm playing a day game", "in the back of\na horse-drawn carriage.", "Giddy-what-up?!", "(neighing)", "(splutters and stomps)", "Awesome.", "What really happened?", "I had lunch\nat a Staten Island Chili's", "and banged a drunk hairdresser.", "Are you happy, Truthy McGee?", "Barney, we know\nyou might get fired.", "Wait, you have to\ntalk about this.", "You are just using\nmeaningless sex", "to distract yourself from\na really serious issue.", "It is not meaningless, okay?", "Number five and I\nreally connected.", "She's going back to school.", "Or has a kid in school-\nsomething about school!", "So, today one of\nmy students told me", "Cook is dropping my class.", "Oh, my God, Pu dropped out?", "She is flushing her\neducation down the toilet!", "Any word from Dale?", "It's only been five days,\nhe's gonna call!", "Why do you care anyway?", "You said he was a total dork.", "Do not talk\nabout Dale that way, okay?", "He is twice the man\nyou will ever be!", "God forbid, if you can't find\nanother job, sell your place.", "Marshall and I have\nan extra room.", "You can stay there as\nlong as you need.", "Make sure you bring\nyour own toothbrush.", "Lily, what are you doing?", "Talking to my friend who's going\nthrough a really tough time.", "He's doing fine.", "Trying to sleep with seven\nwomen in seven nights", "is not \"doing fine\"\nit's a cry for help.", "Barney's whole life\nis a cry for help.", "But you don't mess with a man", "when he's in the middle\nof a perf...", "What?", "Perfect week?", "(all gasp)", "Oh, perfect week, perfect week,\nperfect week!", "Grow up!", "(hissing)", "Unbelievable.", "You know, there's two\nthings you don't do.", "One: you don't open an e-mail\nfrom Phil Simms", "in front of your kids.", "And two: you don't jinx a man\ngoing for a perfect week.", "I don't know what to tell you.", "Lily's always messing with me.", "I think she has a thing\nfor the Barnacle.", "You're a keen observer", "of the human condition,\nJim Nantz.", "I can't believe\nyou jinxed him.", "He doesn't stand\na chance out there.", "LILY:\nOkay, question:", "If I ruined everything,", "why is Barney totally\nhitting it off", "with Third Martini\nGirl over there?", "Oh, my God!", "He's going to do it!\nYeah. See?", "There is no such\nthing as a jinx.", "(gasps)", "Tell me she didn't say,", "\"There's no such thing\nas a jinx.\"", "Wish I could.", "You were about to achieve", "something so beautiful!", "Well, well, thanks to her,", "the only thing that could ruin\na surefire hookup", "was about to walk\nthrough that door.", "A member of the 2009", "World Champion\nNew York Yankees.", "Lily, I'm getting\nmy own toothbrush.", "Well, I guess that's it.", "Barney's streak\nends at six.", "What?! Why?!", "Because that guy with the\nweird hair just walked in?", "That's Nick Swisher.", "He's a New York Yankee.", "No normal guy in New York City\ncan compete with a Yankee.", "And it doesn't even have\nto be a current Yankee.", "When I first moved here,", "I was on a fourth date\nwith a girl I really liked,", "until I got rack-jacked\nby Phil Rizzuto.", "I was there.", "Holy cow, that guy\nhad game. Mm-hmm.", "I'm not seeing it.", "Okay, let me try to Canada\nthis up for you, eh?", "How would you react", "if one of those\nCa-chuck guys", "with the skates and the\nsticks walked in here?", "Lily, if one of the Vancouver\nCanucks walked in here,", "my panties would\ndrop so hard,", "there'd be a hole in the\nfloor halfway to China.", "That's what it's like\nwith the Yankees.", "Well, Barney's screwed.", "It's happening! Look.", "Hey! Want to come over", "and look at my snow\nglobe collection?", "Snow globe collection?", "He's throwing junk\nout there.", "That is Nick Swisher!", "(all groan)\nGood effort.", "Good game, good game, good game,\ngood game, good game.", "Not good enough.", "This whole week was a waste.", "And tomorrow,\nI'm going to get fired.", "I'm really sorry, dude.", "But for what it's worth,\nthis week wasn't a waste.", "We were all having\na really horrible week", "and you took\nour minds off it.", "Yeah, I had my first student\ndrop my class- it sucked.", "I met my soul mate and\nhe never called me back.", "I mean yet. He will.", "(voice breaking):\nHe will.", "We scared off\na really great couple", "just because we share\na toothbrush.", "You share a toothbrush?!", "Well, them and Ted.", "Wha...?", "Wait a second.", "When we were dating, you borrowed\nthat toothbrush all the time.", "Oh, my God.", "NARRATOR: And that's\nwhen Aunt Lily realized", "what's great about sports:", "They take your mind off your\ntroubles, if only for a moment.", "And deep down, we all needed\nthat perfect week.", "The second she sits down next\nto Swisher, it's all over.", "Wait a minute!", "MARSHALL:\nAldrin's got a bead on her!", "She's running\nout of room.", "She dives, and...", "(thud)", "I have no idea where\nshe's going with this.", "Oh, my God, are-are\nyou okay? Yeah. Oh.", "Sorry. I'm such a klutz!", "Oh, thanks. Ow!", "Oh, I...", "think I twisted my ankle.", "Can you get me some ice?", "Of course.", "Oh, my God,\nshe did it!", "I guess- I guess there is\nno such thing as a jinx!", "Oh, I'll get you\nsome ice, Lily.", "MARSHALL:\nDamn it.", "Swisher's back\nin play!", "Swisher's back in play!", "Follow me.", "Hey, Nick Swisher!", "This guy and his wife\nshare a toothbrush!", "So?", "So, that's weird, right?", "Actually, I think\nit's kind of sweet.", "In a way, aren't we all trying\nto find that special someone", "to share a toothbrush with?", "Excuse me.", "Lily, Nick Swisher\nthinks we're sweet.", "Martini?", "We're having a beer\nwith a New York Yankee.", "How cool is that?", "It's amazing.", "I totally follow baseball.", "Mookie Wilson, is that a thing?", "Yeah, baseball, it's amazing.", "But I tell you one thing,\nit's no hockey.", "I live right upstairs.", "What do you say we go back\nto my place?", "(sultry laughter)", "Wow, to be honest,\nI don't normally do that,", "but I feel a real\nconnection here,", "seven- Christy.", "Please.", "I did it!", "(all cheering)", "I did...", "(laughing)", "Amazing!", "Congratulations on\nyour perfect week!", "Thanks, Jim.", "I couldn't have done it\nwithout my teammates.", "Hey, on to a new topic.", "Do you really think\nyou might get fired today?", "Um, uh, Jim,", "I- I-I told you I don't want\nto talk about that.", "Barney, I'm a figment\nof your imagination,", "so apparently you do.", "Think about that.", "What a jerk.\nYou're a jerk.", "Mr. Donovan will\nsee you now.", "Stinson, we've reached\na decision.", "We're keeping you on.", "(sighs)", "I know this past week\nmust have been tough on you.", "(chuckles)", "I barely slept.", "Here you go, guys.", "The official hat\nof Barney's perfect week.", "I was going to\ndo shirts,", "but then you have\nto guess sizes.", "And feelings get hurt.\nIt's a mess.", "In commemoration", "of Barney's induction into\nthe Hall of Game, this tie,", "worn on the seventh night\nof his perfect week,", "is hereby retired.", "May Barney's heroic\nfeat be remembered", "and spoken of\nfor generations to come.", "I'm totally going\nto sit my kids down one day", "and tell them about\nthe time Uncle Barney", "nailed seven chicks in a row.", "(all laugh)", "NARRATOR:\nAm I a bad dad?", "Take out order for Cook Pu?", "We have a number two\nover here for Cook Pu.", "You guys got Wendy\nsaying it now?!", "Come on, I- Okay, I get it.", "Cook Pu is a stupid name", "and it gets stupider and\nstupider the more you say it.", "Cook Pu. Cook Pu. Cook Pu.", "Here."], "How I Met Your Mother S05E15 Rabbit or Duck": ["at my apartment to watch\nthe Super Bowl.", "Well, not all of us.", "Welcome back to Super Bowl XLIV in Miami.", "Get a load of that guy.", "You think that's his real number?", "Well, that explains", "where Barney is. Dibs on his wings.", "Transcript by Addic7ed.com", "Hey, guys. Hey.", "Does anyone know who won the Super Bowl?", "You were there. It was the... I won,", "because I am now in\npossession of a magic phone", "that always rings.", "And do you know who's always", "usually on the other end?", "A chick.", "So how many chicks do I have calling me now?", "Infinity.", "You guys remember Ranjit. Hello.", "TED & MARSHALL: Hey, Ranjit,\ngood to see you. Hey.", "I've enlisted Ranjit's\nservices as my personal driver", "because for the next week,", "I will be sleeping with hundreds of women,", "and I don't want to take the subway,\n'cause you know, germs.", "Wait, you're actually gonna\nhook up with these girls", "that call you? Oh, indubitably.", "I'm meeting the first one here any minute.", "Keep your eyes peeled for a red sweater.", "Based on her texts, she's dirty,", "dyslexic, and wants to 96 me.", "Semicolon, end parentheses.", "This ought to be good.", "I can only imagine the quality\nof girl that... Oh, my God,", "you are the guy from the Super Bowl.", "Magic phone, guys, magic phone.", "Hey, guys, hey, Ranjit.", "How's it going? Hey. Hello. Hey.", "That beer looks a little flat.", "It's Scotch.", "Whoa.", "Something troubling you, kiddo?", "Don.", "Don was Aunt Robin's co-host on her morning\nshow.", "Now, even though her show\nwas on so early", "that no one watched,", "Aunt Robin was a consummate\nprofessional,", "but Don was not.", "Oh, yeah.", "But that morning,\nDon had gone too far.", "Now, that's what I call having\na \"woof\" over your head.", "Don.", "Don?", "Why is Ulee's Gold in\nevery crossword?", "Oh, it's me? Sorry, sorry.", "Uh, next Sunday is Valentine's Day,", "and one lucky patient will be receiving", "a very special chocolate hear\nt- a human heart.", "Oh, hey, that reminds me.", "I've been meaning to ask you.", "Robin, do you have any, uh,\nValentine's Day plans?", "He asked you out?", "He asked me out. That's crazy.", "And they use \"Ulee\" because of the vowels.", "Ah.", "What did you say? Well,", "we were on the air,\nI was on the spot, so I said okay.", "Robin, you are going to marry\nthis guy so freaking hard.", "Right in the butt.", "What?! No, I hate Don,", "and now I can't cancel", "because I said I would go\nout with him on the air.", "What would your viewer think?", "Whoa, whoa, whoa,", "you said you'd go out\nwith him on Valentine's?", "I thought we had plans.", "What, getting drunk", "and cleaning the apartment was a plan?", "I did not say it was a good plan.", "Guys, guys, guys, we're on me now,", "and it is getting interesting.\nLook at these texts.", "Read this one.", "Yowza!", "Now, look at this one. Does she text", "her mother with those fingers?", "Now, look at this one.", "Or this one", "or this one or this one.", "Okay, okay, okay,", "buddy, how, how about you do this?", "Go nail that girl, then read your texts.", "I can't do that, Ted.", "I just can't hook up with a\ngirl if there is a hotter girl", "out there with whom up can be hooked.", "Isn't there always a hotter girl?", "I know.", "Isn't it wonderful?", "Go for Barney.", "Cut to the chase-- what's your cup size?", "Oh, hi, Mom.", "There's always a hotter girl.", "Isn't that the problem in a nutshell?", "There's too many option\ns- you got Internet dating,", "you got bars...", "Holding up", "your phone number on national TV.", "I never had that problem.", "When I was 18, I had an arranged marriage,", "and I love my wife more and more every day.", "Hmm. MARSHALL: It is true.", "It's, it's very rare\nthat two people just meet", "and fall madly in love, like Robin and Don.", "Oh,", "we-we're not even, like,\ngoing out for dinner.", "We're just hanging out at his place.", "LILY & TED: Ooh...", "No, it's not like that.", "It's just us and a bunch of other people.", "Oh. Oh. Whoo...", "Wait, Robin, what exactly did\nDon say when he asked you out?", "I'm having some friends over\nat my place for a little party.", "You should come by if you want.", "Uh...", "Okay.", "Robin, Don didn't ask you out.", "Uh, of course he asked me out.", "Uh, no, he didn't.", "Yes, he did.", "He did.", "He did-- he did!", "Okay.", "Well, dog", "my cats.", "I think I know what's going on here.", "Robin, did you want Don to ask you out?", "What?!", "No, I hate Don.", "I-I can't stop thinking\nabout how much I hate him.", "It's like, it's like all the time.", "I just want to attack him", "and rip his stupid clothes off", "and just spank him with his little paddle", "until his bum's all red.", "Shut up!", "See?", "That right there is what\nfree will gets you--", "constant, ego-shattering uncertainty.", "I'm done with that.", "I want what Ranjit has.", "I've spent my entire adult life", "looking for the perfect woman,", "and I'm spending Valentine's\nDay scrubbing the toilet.", "I need someone else", "to find me that woman.", "Marshall, Lily, arranged marriage me.", "Or this one", "or this one or this one.", "You want us to arrange your marriage?", "Absolutely.", "Look, there's two sides to dating, right?", "Picking and getting picked.", "Getting picked I'm good at.", "Ladies love Teddy West Side.", "You're waiting for me to comment", "on your self-assigned nickname.", "All right, well, here's my comment.", "I love it. Really?", "Teddy West Side, continue.", "It's the picking I suck at.", "I pick the wrong girls, but you guys--", "you're the best pickers I know.", "You picked each other.", "Aw-- well, with a slight assist", "from the Wesleyan Housing Department.", "And a healthy splash of Drakkar Noir.", "Get out there, find me a girl.", "We'll double-date on Valentine's Day.", "If I like her, I will marry her...", "if she's cool with it, and she will be...", "'cause I'll wear my nice blazer.", "I love that blazer almost\nas much as Robin loves Don.", "I do not love Don.", "Robin,", "neurologically speaking,", "the part of the human brain\nthat makes you hate people", "is located right next\nto the part of the brain", "that makes you want to jump people's bones.", "The two responses are so similar,", "it's hard to tell them apart.", "You know what it's like? Wait.", "I have to get a book.", "Give me 30 seconds!", "Okay, this is fun.", "Look at this picture.", "It's a rabbit.", "You can look at it for hours", "and be absolutely sure it's a rabbit,", "but then one day you look at it", "and you realize-- wait a second--", "it's a duck.", "Hmm. It's a rabbit, it's a duck.", "Rabbit, duck, rabbit, duck.", "Isn't this fun?", "It sure was.", "Well, relationships are like that.", "I mean, look, when you first met Don,", "you hated him.", "You thought, \"This guy is a duck,\"", "but one of these days,\nyou're going to realize,", "\"This is actually something that I love.", "He's a rabbit.\"", "Whoa.", "I think you got it backwards there, buddy.", "The duck is the thing you love,", "the rabbit is the thing you hate.", "What? Yeah, I gotta", "agree; ducks up, rabbits down.", "Definitely. Ducks are better than rabbits.", "Ducks are...", "Ducks are..", "Rabbits are adorable!", "Ducks are, like...", "Have you ever been in a fight with a duck?", "I mean, ducks are jerks!", "This led to one of the most\nintense arguments", "our group has ever had.", "Duck is delicious!", "Rabbit is all gamey!", "We're not talking about flavor, Ted!", "Flavor counts!", "Who carries around a\nduck's foot for good luck?!", "Anyone?!", "You wrap yourself in a comforter", "stuffed with rabbit hair!", "I'll wrap myself in one\nstuffed with duck feathers!", "Who's cozier?", "No, no, no, no, but who's cozier?!", "Hold on! I have to get another book!", "Then why don't we take a rabbit, a duck,", "stick 'em in a cardboard box, and let them\nfight it out?!", "Because it's illegal, Ted!", "Only if we bet on it, Marshall!", "Fine!", "I concede!", "You win!", "Say it.", "You have to say it.", "Ducks good...", "rabbits are bad.", "Yes! Yes!", "Yes! It feels so good!", "Yes.", "Thank you. And Don is--", "and always will be-- a rabbit.", "Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that, Robin.", "Think about it. Don?", "Donald?", "Donald... Duck?", "And what, I wonder,\ndoes Donald Duck never wear?", "Pants.", "Pants.", "Don's a duck.", "Permission to say \"lawyered\"?", "I'll allow it.", "Lawyered.", "Yes, kids, sometimes\nthere's a fine line", "between love and hate.", "Case in point:", "There is no place I would rather be...", "and no one I'd rather be with.", "I should get that.", "Go for Barney.", "Look, I'm sort of in the middle of someone--", "something right now, and I...", "You're a hot lady bullfighter?", "You gotta go.", "MacLaren's Pub.", "MacLaren's Pub.", "Well, hello...", "There is no place I would rather be", "and no one I would rather be...", "Would you excuse me for one moment?", "Go for Barney.", "Look, I...", "You're a gold medalist\nJapanese figure skater?", "Adios, muchacha!", "MacLaren's Pub!", "MacLaren's Pub.", "Well, hello...", "No place I'd rather be, no one I'd rather...", "Oh, for Pete's sake!", "You're a hot chick?", "Sayonara!", "MacLaren's Pub!", "MacLaren's Pub!", "Well, hello...", "I realize that you're very busy,", "so I'll just get straight to the point.", "Okay.", "Shakah!", "And that's my bad leg.", "Very bad.", "Are you okay?", "Yeah, of course.", "Why, uh... Why wouldn't I be?", "Oh.", "Go for Barney.", "Barney had been sure that phone\nwas something he loved,", "but now, he realized it wasn't that at\nall.", "It was something else entirely.", "I'm free.", "Ah, now this feels right.", "There is no place I would rather be.", "And no one I would rather be...", "Uh, what's wrong?", "Did you hear that?", "Hear what? Shh, shh, shh, shh.", "MacLaren's Pub!", "MacLaren's Pub!", "No!", "Go for Barney.", "D cups? Really?", "And then Valentine's Day arrived-\nthe deadline", "for Marshall and Lily to\nfind me a wife.", "An important job they had,\nwell, forgotten to do.", "Aren't we supposed to go\non a double date with Ted.", "Ted? No. He's not seeing anyone. Yeah.", "Remember he asked us to find a...", "Oh, no.", "Hey. Hey. Want to get married?", "I don't know what kind of architect!", "Houses, buildings, that kind of crap.", "Want to marry my friend Ted?", "Want to marry my friend Ted?", "Want to marry my friend Ted?", "What, you can be choosy?", "You're in a bar on Valentine's Day, huh?", "Hey, just real quick...", "Aah!", "You want to marry my friend Ted?", "Man, Ted's right.", "It's tough out there.", "This is stupid.", "You know what? We forgot about this.", "I'm sure Ted did, also.", "* Here comes the groom *", "* In his favorite blazer *", "* Gonna meet my wife and I... *", "Blazer, Tazer.", "Gazer, Ta... Bazer?", "Hey, Ted?", "Yeah?", "Before you go meet your future wife,", "come to Don's party with me.", "That's what you're wearing?", "Yeah. Why?", "He's a duck.", "That dude be straight duckin'.", "* And I think that I'll amaze her. *", "Nailed it!", "So we went to Don's party.", "Look, Robin, I don't want to crowd you", "on your little date here, so", "if things start to get hot\nand heavy with you and Don...", "They're not gonna get hot and...", "I'm just saying, if they do,", "I'll just say, \"Well,\nI got a dinner rez,\" and then...", "Wait. This is the best part.", "I've been working on this for a while.", "Hmm.", "I'll duck out.", "Ha, ha, ha.", "Okay, it's not gonna happen.", "But, yeah, do that.", "Mm-hmm.", "Hello, Robin.", "Oh!", "Well, I got a dinner rez.", "Oh! Oh, God, Don,\nwhat the hell are you doing?!", "I don't know. It's something\ncalled The Naked Man.", "I read about it on some guy's blog.", "My God, I'm so stupid.", "Why did I ever think it would\nwork on someone like you?", "Yeah, 'cause I would never...", "Could, like... standards, so, you know.", "I-I thought this was a party.", "I only said that to get\nyou to come over here.", "I didn't think you'd bring a date.", "Ted's not my date.", "He's a friend. Oh, God.", "You probably think I'm some\nkind of playboy now, right?", "You could say that.", "So he's a rabbit.", "At least you know for sure.", "Ted, this may hurt a little.", "I'm recycling your old\nArchitecture Weekly Magazines.", "What are you doing?", "Cleaning. You go on your date.", "Happy Valentine's Day.", "Oh, thank God you're here.", "Yeah, I've been thinking.", "Um, maybe we should call\nthis whole thing off.", "No! Ted, we got her. What?", "We got her. It's, it's the craziest thing.", "We were searching all week,\nand then, a couple hours ago...", "Trudy?", "Married.", "Blah, blah?", "Committed.", "Relationship?", "Bellevue.", "Natalie?", "Ted's her least favorite\nperson in the world.", "Well, she's not getting any younger.", "Get rid of it!", "What?", "This phone is cursed.", "Cursed, I tell you!", "I try to ignore it,\nbut it just never stops ringing!", "It's ruining my life!", "I should get that.", "No, please.", "Please!", "Please, Marshall, let me answer it.", "It could be an emergency.", "She could be trapped in a giant bra!", "Barney, Barney...", "let it go... to voice mail.", "Okay.", "We have to find Ted a wife.\nWe're being too choosy.", "It almost doesn't matter\nwho it is at this point.", "Okay.", "It's a phone girl? I know.", "I know, but no.", "Then we met her, and Ted,", "she's a world-class violinist,\nshe's a gourmet cook, and...", "she can quote every line\nfrom Caddyshack.", "Wow.", "Hello, Ted.", "And what brings you to\nthis nape of the woods?", "Neck of the wape?", "Why are you here?", "So we all had dinner.", "And kids, Marshall and Lily's hard work had\npaid off,", "because that girl was terrific.", "In fact...", "Oh, but Natalia, tell Ted the problem.", "Yeah, yeah, tell him, tell him!", "Well, unfortunately,", "I'm going to have to leave the country soon", "because my visa is about to expire.", "LILY : She needs to get married!", "Federal law expressly dictates", "that a foreign national\ncan't maintain residency", "for longer than six months\nwithout a work visa, so...", "But when it came down to it...", "And you, sir? The rabbit or the duck?", "What?", "It's a prix-fixe menu", "for Valentine's Day,", "and we're already out of steak,\nfish and chicken.", "So, rabbit or duck?", "Rabbit. Sorry, guys.", "I got to go.", "Why would Ted order rabbit\nif he was just gonna run out?", "I need it back! Where's the phone?", "Well, hello.", "Oh, I met you already.", "Where's the phone?!", "It's hidden.", "Where?!", "Where had Aunt Lily hidden the phone?", "Well, to answer that, we have to back up a\nlittle bit.", "You go on your date.", "Happy Valentine's Day.", "It's Barney's phone.", "I wonder how it got in there.", "Ted?", "Come on. Big date.", "Ah, what's the harm?", "Hello?", "And just like that, I was hooked.", "Terrific. I will see you there.", "And I'll be the guy in the awesome blazer.", "Oh, I think you'll know the\nblazer when you see it.", "Ooh. I gotta go.", "Oh, thank God you're here.", "So... rabbit or duck?", "Rabbit. Sorry, guys.", "I gotta go.", "Well, hello.", "Sorry, babe. I gotta take this.", "Barney's phone.", "Teddy West Side speaking.", "It's my phone!", "I am taking it back!", "And I'm taking your cool nickname, too!", "Barney West Side speaking.", "No! I love it so much! It just keeps ringing", "and ringing and ringing. Hey, baby.", "Give it to me. Come on.", "Stop. It's mine now.", "It's not your--", "Lily. Ah!", "No!", "Oops.", "Being single sucks. Mm.", "It turns you into a crazy person.", "I know.", "So much running around and\nfreaking out, and for what?", "It's all so you can find someone", "you can sit on a couch", "and put off cleaning the bathroom with.", "Well, the joke's on the rest of the world,", "because we can do that on our own.", "Exactly.", "Exactly.", "Hmm.", "Robin, I-I have to apologize--", "Just save it. Let's just do the news.", "No, listen.", "After you left the other night,", "I was embarrassed.", "Not because I was naked.", "I'm actually pretty okay with my body.", "Clearly.", "I got married in college.", "I just got divorced three months ago.", "I have no idea how to be single.", "But that's not why I was embarrassed.", "I was embarrassed about my behavior", "right here at Channel...", "Um...", "It starts with a one.\nI know that much. Uh...", "Twelve. 12! Channel 12.", "I mean, just look at your mug.", "Right.", "Well, no. You look at this mug.", "You are a tremendous news anchor.", "And you deserve a c\no-anchor who gives a crap.", "And from here on out, that's gonna be me.", "Well, I'll believe that when I see it.", "Well, you'll see it right now.", "I'll go get you some coffee.", "Don...", "You're wearing pants.", "Well, look at that.", "Ah, duck."], "How I Met Your Mother S05E16 Hooked": ["Kids, in many of my stories\nI'm a starry-eyed romantic...", "...on a noble search for true love.", "In this one, I'm just a jerk.", "Well, guys,\ntonight is the night.", "I\u0092m riding Tiffany up to my place...", "...to see my antique camera collection.", "Ah.\nIt's Ted's bait.", "'Bait'?", "A true gentleman invents a pretense...", "...to lure an honorable lady\ninto his apartment.", "Some item of interest\nor beauty you can both...", "...pretend to admire for five minutes...", "...before she hops on your disco stick.", "Like she's coming up to 'borrow a book'", "or 'check out an album on vinyl'.", "Or to see your new rap poster.", "'Rap poster'?", "Who would that work on?", "It was the first week of college.", "I was really into Wu-Tang Clan.", "Yeah, bait is tricky.", "It has to be something interesting\nenough to get the girl upstairs,", "but not so interesting\nthat it overpowers the night.", "BARNEY: I found that a\nslot machine was too fun.", "And a trampoline...", "...turned out to be too dangerous.", "But then I found the perfect bait:", "a teacup pig.", "'A teacup pig'?\nWho's that working on?", "You have a teacup pig?\nI didn't know you had a teacup pig.", "Can we see the teacup pig?", "Hey, can I borrow your teacup pig?", "Yes, you can borrow my teacup pig.", "You have a teacup pig?.\nOh, my gosh.", "I can't believe you have a teacup pig.", "You're just so cute.", "Yes, you are the cutest piggy ever.", "What?", "Were you always this pretty?", "Or are you going to give me that whole,", "'Oh, in high school I was\nreally shy and awkward' line?", "I was shy and awkward.", "I was, like, a hundred pounds heavier...", "...and I had these crazy\nbuck teeth. Seriously?", "No, I've always been hot.", "What are you going to do?", "Do you know who else\nwould love this teacup pig?", "Hmm?", "My boyfriend.", "You have a boyfriend?", "Ugh, I know.", "So annoying, right?\nI mean, he's...", "...not really my boyfriend.", "Oh, good.\nI mean,", "technically, he kind of is.", "Well, is he or isn't he?", "Some of both,\nbut definitely not either.", "Are you getting any of this?", "Look, I really like you.", "I just need you to be patient.", "I don't want to lose you,\nBig Brown Eyes.", "Yup. Somebody doesn't want to lose", "Big Brown Eyes.", "ROBIN: Oh, Ted.", "She's got you on the hook.", "What? What?\nI'm not on the hook.", "Oh, you are totally on the hook.", "She's stringing you along.", "She's not committing to you,", "but she's keeping you around just in case,", "like an old can of chili in the pantry.", "Um, who's buying canned chili...", "...and not eating it\nimmediately? Amen, sister.", "Ted, don't feel bad.\nWe've all been there.", "I've been on both sides of it.", "I've been a hookey and a hooker.", "Move past it, guys.", "I've been a little bit loose,", "but money never changed hands.", "I've been on the hook.", "Lisa Walker.\nPicture it:", "1994, St. Cloud, Minnesota.", "So I was, like,\nthinking, Lisa-...", "...do you maybe want to,\nlike, go out with me?", "That sounds great.", "But I'm sort of seeing this guy.", "He's got a LeBaron convertible...", "...and an 'in' at the roller rink,", "so I'd hate to burn that bridge.", "I understand.", "But how about this?", "You can be my secret boyfriend...", "...who does all my homework for me.", "A'ight.", "You want to see my rap poster?", "Poster whore.", "MARSHALL: Anyway...", "Lisa Walker strung me along for months...", "...until one night,\nI went to go tell her...", "...how much I loved her.", "BOTH: Aww. Hmm. Ugh.", "In song.", "MARSHALL: She wasn't home yet,", "so I waited.", "And waited.", "I woke up four hours later,\ncovered in snow.", "And that's when I saw it.", "Lisa's footsteps.", "She had walked right over me\nand into the house.", "It was the best thing\nthat could have happened.", "It got me off her hook.", "Okay, that is definitely not...", "...what's going on with me and Tiffany.", "Listen to this.", "I'm really into you.", "I just can't be with you right now.", "Huh? Huh?", "Ted, 'right no' is the classic...", "...on-the-hook catchphrase.\nMARSHALL: Yup.", "'Right now' paints a picture of\nsome sort of magical future time...", "...when everything will work out,", "but the truth is,\nthat will never happen.", "BARNEY: It's like this.", "'I can't be with you.' Boom.", "'Right now.'", "LILY: Yeah.", "I think my high school boyfriend, Scooter,", "is still sort of on the hook for me.", "Sort of?\nHe totally is.", "The poor guy showed up at our\nwedding hoping to win you back.", "LILY: Yeah.", "It's still sometimes weird...", "...when I see him at work.\nWait. What?", "Scooter works in the school cafeteria.", "We've talked about this.", "Hey, Lily.\nNice dress.", "Tater-tots?", "We most certainly have\nnot talked about this.", "Yes, we have.", "I've mentioned it tons of times.", "'Lunch Lady Scooter.'", "I thought that you were referring...", "...to some sort of long overdue\ndevice that carries around...", "...those poor,\nunderappreciated lunch ladies.", "This explains a lot.", "Lunch Lady Scooter was there again today.", "Oh, yeah? Did you jump on that thing?", "Give it a ride?\n- No.", "Really? If it were me,\nI'd be riding that scooter...", "...all day long until I broke that thing in half.", "So those poor women still\nhave to walk everywhere?", "Wait. Scooter is working at your school?", "Are you jealous?", "No, I just feel bad for Scooter.", "'Cause the only reason he took that job...", "...is he thinks he has a shot with you.", "You have to make it clear that he doesn't,", "so that he can move on\nand a real lunch lady...", "...can get her job back. Damn.", "I've tried.", "Hey, Lily.", "I saw you had seventh period free. So do I.", "You want to run away together?", "Let me be clear, Scooter.", "There is no way you and I\ncan ever be together.", "Right now.", "I'll see you tomorrow, Lily.", "It's Tijuana Tuesday.", "'Right now'?", "You right-now'd Scooter?", "You need to let Scooter\noff the hook once and for all.", "LILY: You're right.", "Day after tomorrow,", "that's exactly what I'm going to do.", "Why not tomorrow?", "Baby, I can't ruin Tijuana Tuesday.", "Really?", "You're really going to sit here\nall night watching the door...", "...because Tiffany said\nshe'll 'try to stop by'?", "Barney, I'm not going to just give up on her.", "I should have given up on her.", "This girl is special.", "She was the devil.", "Things are going to work out with Tiffany.", "No, they're not, dumbass.", "Ted, let me be clear: this girl is a poison...", "...and you need to cut her\nout of your life forever.", "Hey, there she is.", "Oh, she brought some of her coworkers.", "Hang on to this girl, Ted.", "Hang on to her and never let go.", "these are some of the\nhottest girls I've ever seen.", "And they all work with Tiffany?", "Yup.\nThere could only be...", "...one explanation for this.", "Ted...", "...is Tiffany a ph-ph-ph...", "...pharmaceutical sales rep?", "Yeah, how did you know that?", "And you never thought...", "...to mention that?", "What? It's just a job.", "Just a j... just a jah...", "Ted, throughout time...", "...there has always been one\ncutting-edge profession...", "...to which hot girls,\nlike Tiffany, have flocked.", "Shall I walk you through the history?", "I'm gonna explicitly say no.", "It all started 2.5 million years ago.", "BARNEY: Man was a hunter.", "So, the hottest profession of the day?", "Gatherer.", "Homo erectus indeed.", "As man mastered technology,", "the hottest profession of the day evolved.", "I'm pretty sure it's a hernia.", "Can you check again?", "And then,\nman took to the skies.", "And so, hot women put on high heels...", "...and became stewardesses.", "I am in the upright and locked position.", "And then man said,\n'Life is hard.", "I should start taking\nlots of prescription drugs.'", "And so, hot girls...", "...rolled into doctors' offices,", "looking sexy enough to render\nthe very erection pills...", "...they peddled ironically redundant.", "So now,", "pharma girls are today's...", "...hottest profession.", "Hey, Big Brown Eyes.\nHow you doing?", "I'm good.", "Hey, by the way, you, uh,", "you ditch that loser boyfriend yet?", "No, sir.", "Touched my nose.", "Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle...", "...in a pharma girl free-for-all.", "Side effects may include\nloss of clothing, rug burn,", "shortness of breath and sore\nabdominals the next morning.", "What in the world is up?", "Hey. So...", "I know that you've been having trouble...", "...letting Scooter off the hook.", "Well, I decided what you need is practice.", "Now, you say the problem\nis his cute, sad eyes?", "Well...", "Aww.", "All right, shut it, woman.", "Now, I want you to look at this...", "...teacup pig and tell\nhim that there's no way...", "...that you could ever be with him.", "Teacup Pig,\nthere is no way", "I can ever be with you.", "Right now.", "Oh, come on.\nGrow a pair.", "I'm sorry, but he's...", "...just so freakin' cute.", "I just want to cuddle him all day long.", "Yes, I do.\nYou know that's funny.", "I remember when you used to say\nthings like that about me.", "Oh, I still do.", "Yeah, not as much, Lily.", "Not as much.", "\u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa Ain't no party like\na pharma girl party \u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa...", "...\u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa 'Cause a pharma girl\nparty don't stop. \u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa", "Dude, I have already hooked\nup with three of them.", "Fantasmo.", "Plus, my cholesterol is down.", "My restless legs syndrome is cured.", "I've never felt more alive- oh.", "Guys, great news.", "Tiffany broke up with her boyfriend.", "Proof that I am not on the hook.", "Oh, you're still on the hook.", "Ah, uh-uh, listen to\nhow we spent last night.", "First, we cuddled.", "Then, we shared chocolate cake.", "Then, well, I don't usually\njoin in on locker room talk,", "but I gave her a pretty sensual foot rub.", "And let me guess: it didn't\ngo any further than that.", "Well, no, but...", "And tell me,\ndid you by any chance...", "...make that chocolate cake?", "It was a mix.", "Dude.", "There's no shame in admitting it, Ted.", "We've all been on people's hooks...", "...and we've all kept someone on the hook.", "Um, I most certainly have not.", "What?", "Are you joking?", "What about that girl from\nthe university library?", "Um, Henrietta?", "Henrietta and I are just friends.", "Oh, she is so on your hook.", "Absolutely not.", "She totally was.", "I mean...", "...we cuddled.", "We shared chocolate cake.", "She gave me foot rubs- long ones.", "I'm not proud, kids.", "You like having Henrietta\naround for the same reason...", "...that Tiffany likes having you around:", "it's a nice little ego boost.", "No wonder you're such an expert...", "...about keeping people on the hook.", "What about that poor\ncamera guy you work with?", "Mike and I are just friends.", "Come on.", "Mmm...", "Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.", "Robin, have you ever thought...", "...about taking us to the next level?", "Well, if you're talking\nabout doing my laundry,", "I'm on board.", "You got yourself a deal.", "Hmm.", "What?", "I- I am not keeping Mike on the hook.", "You are Captain Hook.", "Dude, I'm a girl.", "Okay our girl parts are like a spiderweb.", "Sometimes you're gonna\ncatch stuff you don't want.", "That doesn't...", "...make it okay.", "Oh, a-and Henrietta is in, in no way...", "...wasting her time with you, right?", "Henrietta knows that we're just friends.", "In fact,\nI'm gonna call her up...", "...and hang out with her tonight as friends.", "Hey, Ted.\n- Hey.", "I love you.", "What? Uh, do you want a foot massage?", "'Cause I've been practicing on myself.", "No, I'm good.", "I didn't know if you were hungry,", "so I just threw together\nsome... it's not a big deal.", "Kids, looking back,\nI don't know how I didn't see...", "...that Henrietta was madly in love with me.", "Oh.", "Hello.\nHey, Ted.", "Hey, Tiffany.", "I'm going out of town...", "...this weekend for my friend's wedding.", "Want to be my date?", "I would love to.", "Hey, what are you doing, right now?", "Oh, God, no.", "Awesome. Okay, I'll see\nyou in, like, ten minutes?", "Great.", "Sorry, Henrietta,", "something came up.", "Take a rain check, pal?", "Yeah, it's no problem.", "All right, yeah, hey-ho.\nOh, you're strong.", "What a jerk.", "Henrietta, I...", "Wait. Where did Ted go?", "I thought we were finally\ngoing to get to meet him.", "Yeah, something came up,\nokay, Mom?", "I told you there was no Ted.", "I heard that.", "So there I was,\nat one of the surest signs...", "...of taking a relationship to the next level:", "an out-of-town wedding.", "It was finally happening.", "Champagne?", "Ted, oh, my gosh,\nI forgot to call you.", "Well, whatever it is you\nwanted to talk about,", "we can talk about it now.", "This is Jack.", "He's the best man at the wedding.", "We just got back together.", "You know, now that I think about it,", "a phone call would have been nice.", "You're Ted? Ouch.", "But I hear you make\na mean chocolate cake.", "Oh, isn't he great?", "And he's in a band.", "Thanks.", "Come on, Lily. You have\nto get Scooter off the hook.", "Now, try again.", "Teacup Pig, oh...", "I don't want to be with you.", "Right now.", "Man up.", "Teacup Pig...", "I don't want to be with you.", "Ever.", "Finish him.", "We will never be together...", "...in any sort of sexual way ever again.", "Nice.", "Sort of a weird thing to say to a pig.", "It felt really wrong.", "Anyway, I just don't think\nyou and I are going to work.", "Right now.", "And that's when it hit me.", "I was on the hook.", "I also realized...", "I missed this so much, baby.", "...Tiffany was on this guy's hook.", "It was a vicious cycle.", "Henrietta was on my hook.", "And years later, I found out\nthis poor bastard...", "...was on Henrietta's hook.", "You know what?", "We're not going to work ever.", "I'm done.", "And it's really better for the circulation...", "...if you knead the\narches with your thumbs.", "Now, I'm done.", "Marshall, I can do this by myself.", "Okay, well, then prove it.", "And, um...", "Grab me a pudding.", "Listen up, Scooter.", "There is no way you and\nI will ever be together.", "Right now.\nMarshall.", "I'm sorry, but he's adorable. Listen.", "I don't want to be with you.", "Right now.\nHang in there, Scoots.", "I'm not going to live forever.", "Last night I was with\nthis pharma girl who was...", "...so hot, you should call a doctor...", "...if you don't have an erection\nfor more than four hours.", "Am I right, people?", "Yeah, there's no people-...", "...just the girl you most recently dated.", "Hey, Barney.", "I want you to meet the newest pharma girl.", "Oh.", "Gladys Reynolds.", "Nice to make your acquaintance.", "I represent statins and other\ncholesterol-lowering drugs.", "Come on, girl.\nLet's go get our drink on.", "It's over.", "What's over?", "Pharma girls are no longer\nexclusively hot chicks.", "It's the end of an era.\nYou're being...", "...a little dramatic.", "Am I?", "It starts out with a Gladys.", "Next thing you know,\na few not-so-fabulous...", "...gay guys enter the ranks.", "And before you know it,", "pharma girls look like the crew...", "...on a Southwest flight from\nAlbuquerque to Little Rock.", "It's over.", "So that night, I went\nstraight to Henrietta's-...", "...all set to let her off the hook.", "This is Jack.", "He's the best man at the wedding.", "I'm done.", "Yes.", "The answer is yes.", "No.", "Oh, it gets worse.", "It's perfect.", "Mom, Dad.\nTed proposed.", "Oh, my God. I knew this day would come.", "Son. Yeah, well,\nthere's been a...", "No. What did you do?", "I seriously considered just marrying her...", "...out of sheer awkwardness.", "But I did what I had to do.", "I did what anyone keeping\nsomeone on the hook should do.", "I broke her heart.", "Henrietta, I'm sorry if this is blunt,", "but I think I owe you this.", "I don't want to be with you.", "Right now?", "Ever.", "But we're still getting married, right?", "It was brutal.", "Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.", "Honesty is tough,\nbut in the end,", "it is the far kinder alternative.", "Yeah.", "Hey, sweetie.", "Hey, Mike.", "I have to tell you something.", "Wait. Did you finish my delicates?", "Got one more load.\nAh, it can wait.", "I...", "Hey.\n- Hey, how's it going?", "Still in mourning over the end\nof the pharma girl era?", "No. I realized that their reign...", "...had to end to make room for\nsome new hot girl profession.", "Maybe it'll be intergalactic\ncommunications officer...", "...on a rocket ship to\nsome distant solar system...", "...we can't possibly imagine.", "Maybe it'll be... meter maids.", "We just don't know.", "But one thing is sure.", "The future glows like a giant sun...", "...shooting amber rays of light\ninto our hearts and minds.", "Wow, uh, what changed your mind?", "The realization that hope\nsprings eternal, Robin.", "That and this little bottle of purple pills", "I found in my couch cushion.", "Don't know what they are,\nbut they are amazing."], "How I Met Your Mother S05E17 Of Course": ["Kids, in warm March evening in 2010", "a New York City police boat\npulled a 34-year-old white male", "out of the Hudson River:\nyour Uncle Barney.", "All right, kid,\nlet's hear the story.", "From the beginning.", "Well, it all started a week ago.", "I was making time\nat the local watering hole.", "Enter... a dame.", "Nothing sexier than a man\nin a fine cravat.", "Except for a woman who\nappreciates a fine cravat.", "How about we just\ncall it a tie?", "(both laughing)", "(chuckling)", "You see, a cravat\nis a kind of tie.", "I get it.\nAnyway,", "next thing you know,", "I get her back to my place.", "Barney...", "when I get in bed with a man,", "my body becomes a machine\nfueled by desire, lust", "and a singular hunger to satisfy\nmy lover's every carnal need.", "Good thing the cleaning\nlady's coming tomorrow.", "Well, good night.", "What?", "Wait, what?", "I thought your body was going\nto become a machine", "fueled by desire, lust\nand a singular hunger", "to satisfy my every carnal need.", "No.", "Transcript by Addic7ed.com", "(all laughing)", "You know, I really\nthink that Don and I", "are hitting our stride\nas a news team.", "Yeah.\nDON: Well, all credit", "goes to this lady\non my left.", "Oh, come on.\nThat story you did", "on which rodents\nto avoid on the subway...", "The answer may\nsurprise you.", "It's all of them.", "(chuckling)", "Well, I got to run,\nokay? I'll see you. Okay.", "It's good to meet you.\nYeah, you, too.", "Take care.\nOkay. Bye, Don.", "Okay, Robin, that\nguy is awesome.", "He's funny, he's\nsmart, he's handsome.", "You got to scoop him up\nbefore someone else does.", "I hope you're not talking\nabout you.", "It has been four months\nsince you broke up with Barney.", "Maybe it's time\nto put yourself back out there.", "Yeah, exactly.\nBarney's dating again,", "and he couldn't be happier.", "I couldn't be more unhappy.", "All night long,", "she's hot and heavy for me.", "I get her back to my place,\nand she just bolts?", "I mean, at least\nwhen I run out on a girl,", "I have the common courtesy\nto sleep with her first.", "It's... it's called manners.", "Sounds like she", "read that book,\nOf Course You're Still Single-", "Take a Look at Yourself,\nYou Dumb Slut.", "What? It... it's this book", "that helps single girls\nfind a husband.", "It's Robin's copy.", "I've just... I leafed\nthrough it a little bit.", "Really. Were you getting\na mani-pedi?", "(all talking over each other)", "Okay, okay, okay.", "Fine.", "Barney, when you\nwere with this girl,", "did she subtly slip the word\n\"sex\" into conversation?", "I'm in the inter-sex-tion,", "and I only have a couple of sex\nbefore the light changes.", "I mean, everyone's\nhonking at me,", "and it totally sex,\nbut I can't turn around", "because a jogger slipped\nand fell in horse sex-crement.", "Go on. Go on.", "Did she make excuses", "to establish physical contact\nwith you?", "Is this cashmere?", "Cashmere? (scoffs)", "This is hand-spun\nvirgin merino.", "The fibers in this suit are\nless than 12 microns thick.", "12 microns.", "I love a tiny fiber.", "Well, you're in luck,\nbecause mine's the tiniest.", "And the more\nyou touch it,", "the softer it gets.", "(chuckles softly)", "She did that, too.", "Now, here is the final test.", "Next time you see her,", "ask her out\nfor the following night.", "The book says that's forbidden,", "so she'll probably give you\nsome lame excuse like this:", "\"Ooh, I can't do anything\ntomorrow night.\"", "BOTH: I've already made plans\nto clean my garbage disposal", "and treat myself\nto a bubble bath.", "But how about next week\nsometime?", "BARNEY:\nAha!", "You're trying that\nOf Course You're Still Single-", "Take a Look at Yourself,\nYou Dumb Slut crap on me.", "It's not crap. Of Course\nYou're Still Single-", "Take a Look at Yourself,You\nDumb Slut is a brilliant book.", "And...", "it scares away guys", "who are only interested\nin getting laid.", "Why not just say\nyou have a kid?", "You'd be surprised how many\njerks there are out there.", "That's why the book says", "never sleep with a guy\non the first date.", "Totally.\nOr the second date.", "Of course.\nOr the third date.", "Well...\nOr the fourth date.", "Well, just tell me\nhow many dates!", "Seventeen.", "S... S...", "Excuse me,\nis anyone using this?", "Yep, here it is:\nno sex until after 17 dates.", "LILY:\nBarney, if you're not", "going to take her\nout on 17 dates,", "I think you should\njust give it up.", "Oh, no.", "I'm not the one\nwho's going to give it up.", "She is.", "Because, thanks\nto Ted's book...", "That's Robin's. It's Robin's.", "...I can stay two steps ahead\nof her at all times.", "There's a loophole\nin here somewhere,", "and I'm going to find it.", "(phone rings)", "Hello.", "Hey, Robin.\nOh, hey, Don.", "Listen, uh...", "do you want to go out\nSaturday night?", "Saturday night...", "(hushed):\nIs he asking you out?", "Say yes! Say yes!", "Look, Don, um...\nlisten, it...", "it's really sweet\nof you to ask,", "and you're a great guy...", "(falsetto):\nYes, I will go out with you.", "Robin, are you okay?", "Um, I just had\na little cold.", "That's probably\nwhat you're hearing.", "But Saturday night sounds great.", "We can even go\nto a steak house,", "and you can bring home\nsome prime rib", "for my friend, Marshall.", "Okay, gotta go. Love you. Bye.", "What the hell\nare you thinking?", "Robin, you've got to do this,\nokay?", "A great guy like Don is rare.", "And speaking of rare,", "prime rib- don't forget.\nThank you.", "Oh, my God.", "I don't believe it.", "Guys... this is her!", "She wrote the book.", "Huh. Her name must be Anita.", "Okay.", "My plan was to sleep with her,\nbut this changes everything.", "New plan:", "I'm going to sleep with her.", "Boy, this girl\nthat Barney's going after,", "she kind of sounds like\nthe anti-Barney.", "Mmm. I love how the universe", "decided to bring\nthose two together.", "Actually, Anita's going after\nBarney because I told her to.", "Wait, you sicced Anita\non Barney?", "How do you\neven know her?", "She was on my show.", "But, um, if you had\nto summarize your book", "in 30 words or less...", "I'll summarize it\nin one word, Robin.", "And that word", "is \"no.\"", "By saying no", "constantly and consistently,\nyou empower yourself", "while simultaneously\nturning any jerk", "into a submissive,\nsniveling, puddle of a man.", "Hmm. And isn't that\nevery girl's dream?", "(chuckling)", "After the break, we're going\nto talk about your new book,", "Of Course You Don't Have\na Retirement Plan Yet-", "Take a Look at Yourself,\nYou Dumb Slut, due out in June.", "We'll be right back.", "We're clear.", "You guys want\nany coffee?", "Oh, you know what,\nMike, that'd be great.", "You?\nNo.", "What about you, Robin?\nYou dating anyone?", "Oh. (chuckles)", "Dating's not really my bag\nright now.", "Uh-oh.", "Did somebody break your heart?", "And then,\nI- I told her everything.", "It just came pouring out.", "And by the end of it,\nshe said...", "This Barney needs\nto be taught a lesson.", "You say the word,\nand I will destroy him.", "What do you mean?", "I can use the power\nof \"no\"", "to break your friend, Barney.", "Just say the word.", "Come on, that-that stuff\ndoesn't really work,", "does it?", "I didn't know\nwhat you wanted,", "so I got you a cappuccino,\nan espresso, a latte, a decaf...", "Oh, hi, Robin.", "And this\nis a Turkish coffee.", "Thank you, Mike.", "Think about it.", "ROBIN: I didn't think I\nwas going to think about it,", "but then... I thought about it.", "Oh, this Pilates instructor\nwas off the charts.", "Picture Robin,\nbut younger.", "And bigger boobs.", "Maybe not bigger,\nbut more shapely.", "And bigger.", "(phone rings)\nHello?", "BARNEY: I get her up\nagainst the StairMaster,", "and we...\nDo it.", "Spoilers.", "Anyway, we do it.", "It's done.", "Thank you, Mike.", "I know, it was stupid,", "but you have\nto understand,", "back then,\nI was still really upset", "about the breakup.", "I was going\nthough my mourning period.", "There was a lot of scotch\nand a lot", "of long nights\nat the shooting range.", "I hope those weren't\nthe same nights.", "ROBIN:\nGeez, Lily.", "It's not like I remember\nall of them.", "Hey, babe.", "Did you know that Robin", "was going through\na mourning period?", "I mean, she seemed fine\nafter the breakup.", "Oh, you know how she is.", "She tries to keep her emotions\nto herself.", "But yeah, I caught her crying\na couple times.", "She cried?", "Like, real tears?", "But that means...", "Oh, no.", "NARRATOR:\nAnd then, Marshall realized", "what a jackass he had been\nto Robin.", "Exactly. Barney's\ndating again,", "and he couldn't\nbe happier.", "I mean,", "that guy has been active.", "Sexually.", "I mean, he's just\nbeen, like,", "bang, bang, bang!", "You know?", "(chuckling):\nIt's like...", "bang, bang, bang, bang,", "bang, bang!", "Bang, bang, bang,\nbangity bang", "I said a-bang, bang,\nbangity bang", "Bang, bang, bang", "Bang, bang,\nbangity bang", "I said a-bang, bang,\nbangity bang.", "How could you\nlet me do that?", "You're my wife,\nyou're supposed to stop me", "from embarrassing myself\nin public.", "I know, but that song's\nkind of catchy.", "Bang, bang, bangity bang", "Bang, bang,\nbangity bang", "I said bang, bang,\nbangity bang", "A-bang, bang, bangity bang.", "Damn it.", "I've read that thing\ncover to cover,", "and I can't find a loophole.", "What am I going to do?", "Well, there is one\nother option, but, uh,", "nah, you're not ready.\nTell me.", "Well, if you have to seal\nthe deal in just one date,", "it's got to be one doozy\nof a date, right?", "Yeah. I'm not talking\ndinner and a movie.", "I'm not talking mini-golf.", "I'm talking...", "17 dates worth of romance", "wrapped up into one\nincredible night.", "I'm talking about...", "a superdate.", "A superdate?", "Mm-hmm.", "That sounds kind of lame.", "What if we call it a megadate?", "If you want my help,\nit's a superdate.", "All right.\nLeave it to me.", "I'll plan the\nwhole thing.", "You're going to plan\nthe whole thing? Mm-hmm.", "I bet it'll be all gooey\nand romantic, huh?", "Gooey and\nromantic?", "Gooey and romantic?", "Barney...", "You don't have\nto take her", "To Paris or Peru", "Uh, Ted,\nwhat are you doing?", "You just have to\nmake her understand", "Ted, people are\nlooking at us.", "What she means to you", "Oh, God, really?", "You're really going\nto do this right now?", "On your superdate", "Troubles of the world\nwill simply have to wait", "For wonders\nand amazement", "Served upon a\nsilver plate", "Hurry up now,\ndon't be late", "'Cause hand in hand\nyou'll find a land", "Where paradise awaits", "(applause)", "And then boom!", "Fireworks over the\nManhattan skyline!", "You kiss her.", "And that's your\nsuperdate.", "That sounds gooey\nand romantic.", "Yeah.", "Strip club?\nStrip club.", "NARRATOR: Finally, the night\nof the big dates arrived.", "So, tonight's\nthe big night.", "Where's the D-bag taking you?", "That's not a good nickname\nfor Don.", "I'll think of a better one.", "You know, that, I just...\nI canceled.", "What do you mean you... Wait.", "Hey.\nHey.", "What's wrong?", "Robin canceled her date.", "What? She was totally\npsyched for it", "like an hour ago.", "Robin Scherbatsky.", "You look like\nthe classiest,", "most expensive prostitute ever.", "Oh, thank you.", "I take it you're excited\nto go out with Don?", "You know what? I kinda am.", "Don't tell Marshall.", "I won't.", "I bet you'll have\na nice time tonight.", "Yeah.", "Not, however, a super time.", "A super time will be had\nby Barney", "on his date with Anita.", "Yep.", "Carriage ride, dinner at\nLe Tombeur des Culottes.", "They're calling it\na superdate, so.", "Ted!", "How could you do that?!", "Robin just got over\nher mourning period!", "She seemed so happy\nafter the breakup.", "Oh, Ted.", "So unobservant.", "Such a guy.", "She was obviously crushed.", "Wait, but that would mean...", "Oh, no.", "NARRATOR: And then I realized\nwhat a jackass I'd been to Robin.", "I said a-bang, bang,\nbangity bang", "Hey, whatcha singing?", "Oh, just a little\nditty I wrote", "about how many girls\nBarney's been banging lately.", "Well, count me in\nfor a verse. Great.", "Bang, bang, bangity bang", "I said a-bang, bang,\nbangity bang", "Bang, bang, bang", "Bang, bang, bangity bang", "I said a-bang, bang...", "No!", "Oh, God. Where is she?", "I think she's in\nthe restroom.", "(crying)", "(all aahing)\nNo, guys, guys,", "I'm fine, I'm fine.", "(knocking on door)\n(whistling)", "Hey.", "Dude.", "Why would you do that?", "Because I'm angry at you.", "I'm angry at me.", "I'm angry at Ted.", "And frankly,\nI'm still angry at the Empire.", "Why are you angry at me?", "Dude, you've been a real\njerk in front of Robin", "while she's been going\nthrough her mourning period.", "Mourning period?", "She hasn't been going through\nany mourning period.", "(sighs)\nSo unobservant.", "Such a guy.\nUgh, Barney,", "sit down,\nyou need to hear some stuff.", "What-what, is she\nupset or something?", "Of course she's upset.", "Take a look at yourself,\nyou dumb slut.", "NARRATOR: And then Aunt Lily told\nBarney every excruciating detail", "of what he hadn't been seeing\nsince the breakup.", "You should've\nseen this girl.", "Bang, ping,\npa-dow, ga-donk.", "Okay, I'm leaving.", "So...", "we get up\nto my place...", "(crying)", "(people cheering on TV)", "(sniffling)", "Bang, bangity bang,\nbang, bang, bang", "Bang, bang, bangity bang", "I said a-bang, bang,\nbangity bang", "Bang, bang, bang...", "(vomiting)", "I can't believe\nRobin's been so upset.", "I can't believe you threw up\nin your Stormtrooper helmet.", "Eh. I did something worse in it", "after The Phantom Menace\npremiere.", "So, she's been this way\never since we broke up?", "Actually, she was\ndoing much better", "until you decided to go on this\nstupid superdate with Anita.", "And now she's", "off sulking God\nknows where.", "I know where.", "(sighs)", "Hey.\nHey.", "Barney, what's up?\n(sniffling)", "Thought you were, um,\ngoing on some big date.", "Robin, I know you're upset.", "What? No.", "I- I-I have...\nI've never been happier.", "And-and this Anita\nsounds lovely.", "I am so glad\nthat you two just...", "randomly happened\nto find each other.", "It just warms my frickin' heart.", "(heavy breathing)", "Ah.", "(gun clicks)", "(grunts)", "(sighs)", "So, you sure\nyou're not upset?", "Of course I'm upset, Barney.", "Don't you see", "how constantly talking\nabout your conquests", "makes me feel like I'm just\nanother number to you?", "But you're not just\nanother number to me.", "You know, and-and now\nyou're taking Anita,", "who you barely know,\non this amazing date,", "when I never got treated\nthat way.", "It just...", "it just sucks, that's all.", "It just sucks.", "(sighs)", "Wow.", "I knew I was bad\nat being a boyfriend,", "but I had no idea\nI'd be so much worse", "at being an ex-boyfriend.", "I'm sorry.", "What can I do to make it up\nto you?", "Nothing, Barney.", "You've-you've already proven\nthat I'm not important to you.", "Stop that, I'm serious.", "Ask me for anything.", "Uh, okay.", "Um... don't sleep with Anita.", "Done.", "Barney,", "of course you're going to sleep\nwith her.", "Why else would you be taking her\non this superdate?", "She's not going\non the superdate, Robin.", "You are.", "NARRATOR:\nYour Uncle Barney", "finally gave Aunt Robin the\nsuperdate she truly deserved.", "With a guy she truly deserved.", "Of course, there was still\none loose end.", "ANITA:\nBarney.", "Oh, hey, Anita.", "I- I totally meant\nto call you.", "Well, I'm-I'm breaking\nall my rules coming down here,", "but nobody stands me up\nlike that.", "So, are we going out or what?", "I'm sorry.", "I... I made a promise\nto a friend.", "I have to say no.", "Oh. Oh, I see.", "You're trying the \"no\" thing\non me.", "You really think\nthat's going to work?", "'Cause it won't.", "Okay, how about this.", "I'll cut you a deal.", "Maybe...", "you might get lucky", "after the 12th date.", "No.", "The 11th date.\nNo.", "Fifth date.\nNo.", "Tonight.\nNo.", "Tonight before dinner.\n(strained): No.", "How about you?\nYou interested.", "Yeah.", "Come on, Barney.", "I'm sorry, Anita.", "The answer is no.", "Well, good.", "Because my answer is no, too.", "Okay, here's my final offer.", "Barney!", "And that's my story.", "Well, here's a $500 ticket\nfor jumping in the river.", "I hope it was worth it.", "(fireworks popping)", "I hope so, too.", "It's an old\nwives' tale.", "Oh, hey, Robin.", "Hey.", "How did the big date go?", "Uh, pretty well.", "Pretty, uh, pretty well.", "Like how \"pretty well\"?", "Oh, guys, guys, come on.", "It was fine.", "You know, it was nice.", "We had a good time.", "Let's just, uh...", "let's just leave it\nat that, okay.", "Although, um,", "one interesting thing,\nuh, did happen.", "I said a-bang, bang,\nbangity bang", "I said a-bang,\nbang, bangity bang", "A-bang, bang, bang,\nbang, bang, bangity bang", "I said a-bang, bang,\nbangity bang", "Bang, bang, bang, bang,\nbang, bang, bang, bang", "Bang, bang, bangity bang..."], "How I Met Your Mother S05E18 Say Cheese": ["Lily has always\nbeen one of those people", "who loves their birthday.\nLoves it.", "It's my birthday!", "So it's a good thing\nshe married Marshall.", "It's still my birthday!", "Because he loves\nplanning birthdays.", "Feliz cumplea\u00c3\u0083\u00c2\u00b1os, baby.", "The theme of this today's\nbirthday breakfast", "in bed is...", "\"Spanish Interlude\"", "Ooh!", "And...", "How on Earth did we end up", "in the lyrical rolling hills\nof Northern Spain?", "Yay!", "Baby, tonight is going\nto be so much fun.", "Just the five of us,", "black-tie dinner,\nand Ted is picking up", "your favorite cognac pumpkin\ncheesecake from Edgar's.", "Yay!", "Okay, I am off", "to run your super secret\nbirthday errand.", "Yay!", "And I'm taking\nthis guy with me", "because I don't like the way\nhe's looking at you.", "Yay.", "A new camera!", "Oh, thank you, Marshall.\nI love it!", "Well, little bonus:", "I took some naked pictures\nof myself before I wrapped it.", "Put a bow on it.", "There wasn't a bow on it.", "Wrong \"it.\"", "Thank you, honey.\nI'm going to get", "some great shots of our\nlittle group with this.", "Now, kids, you've seen\nyour Aunt Lily's", "photo albums:\nleather bound,", "acid free paper,", "adorable handwritten captions.", "And most importantly,\nthe group shot.", "Cute photo, right, kids?", "But what you don't see\nis what happened", "ten seconds\nbefore this picture was taken.", "Okay, I want to get\nthe perfect group shot.", "Marshall, sit between\nBarney and Robin.", "Why?", "Oh, you know,\nuh, light,", "color, balance, aperture...", "You're just saying\ncamera words.", "Wait- you don't want\nBarney and me", "to look like a couple\nin this picture,", "do you?\nOf course I don't!", "You two aren't going to last!", "I'm going for timeless here.", "How dare you?", "That is so rude!", "It's true.", "Totally true-\nwe're running", "on fumes here,\nbut still rude.", "We hated Lily's group shots.", "Okay, maybe I get\na little bossy,", "but I just want\nto remember those times.", "Like tonight.", "I can't imagine\na better birthday than,", "than being here with just\nmy four best friends.", "Yay!", "And Ted's here now. Yay!\nOh!", "Happy birthday!", "This is Amanda.", "And Amanda... yay.", "Ted, you were supposed\nto bring a cheesecake,", "but instead you\nbrought two grocery bags", "and a woman we've\nnever seen before.", "Hi. I'm Marshall.\nWelcome to our home.", "Start talking.", "Amanda's going to make\nLily a cake.", "She's a chef.", "We met when I was\nat a restaurant", "last week and I sent\nsome soup back.", "Lucky, she's got\nsuch pretty hair", "I didn't mind eating\na little bit of it.", "They call me\n\"The Shedder\" at work.", "I'm so glad you're\nmaking my birthday cake!", "In honor of Lily's", "32nd birthday,\nI've got", "a lot of great games\nplanned, starting with...", "\"Lil-ial Pursuit.\"", "Okay, who's\ngot number one?", "I do.", "Of course you do.", "Okay, Amanda\ngoes first.", "32 seconds on the clock", "to answer as many questions\nas possible. And...", "Go! Question one:", "What is Lily's favorite color?", "Well, she's wearing pink,", "so I'm going\nto say pink.", "Okay, that's Robin.", "Oh, uh...", "Her...", "favorite color is...", "elbow.", "I believe Ted was mouthing\nthe word \"yellow.\"", "Which also\nwould have been wrong.", "This game is called\n\"Gilding The Lily.\"", "Nice.\nThank you.", "Okay, you've all\nwritten down", "your favorite things\nabout the birthday girl.", "And Lilypad,\nyou guess who wrote what.", "\"Lily makes", "\"everyone in her life,", "from her friends\nto her students...\"", "Lily's a kindergarten teacher-", "that's what he means\nby \"students.\"", "\"...feel loved.", "\"She makes the best", "\"oatmeal raisin cookies ever,", "can recite every line\nfrom Goonies...\"", "Lily saw Goonies in the theater\nright after her parents separated.", "For a long time after that, she\nhad real trouble trusting people...", "Ted!", "\"And she's the strongest person\nI've ever met.", "\"I can't imagine\nmy life without her.", "I love you, Lily.\"", "Aww... Robin!", "Of course it was me.", "Come on.\nAww, that's so sweet.", "Okay, Lily,\nyou try to guess", "who wrote this.", "\"You seem really nice.\"", "Oh...", "I'm going\nto guess Amanda?", "No, that w me.", "And I meant every word.", "Well, I should get back\nto that cake.", "Okay, let me know\nif you need anything.", "All right, quick!\nLet's do the group photo!", "Everybody gather\naround the fireplace.", "Oh, uh, hang on, I'll, uh,\nI'll let Amanda know.", "Oh, no, that's okay.\nShe's busy in the kitchen.", "Let's not bother her. Come on.", "Hey, hang on a second.\nYou...", "You don't want Amanda\nin the photo, do you?", "No, no, it's just, you know,", "auto-focus,\nshutter speed, zoom...", "Lily, what's going on?", "Who wants a party hat?", "Hey, look!\nLook, I'm a bird!", "Let's all be birds.", "Lily, tell me the truth.", "No, of course not.\nI'm not going to let", "another one of your dumb skanks\nruin my precious memories.", "Lily, what are you\ntalking about?", "Ted, you always do this.", "You bring girls\nthat we barely know", "to all our big group events.", "I do not.\nOh, really?", "Oh, well, let's just\ntake a little walk", "down Random Skank Lane.", "Or, or we could just\nkeep on a-strolling down", "Best Birthday Ever Avenue.", "Do I get a vote?\nSkank Lane! Skank Lane!", "Hey, hey, guys. I've composed\na song for the evening.", "Follow along.\nThe chorus goes like this:", "\u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa Happy, happy Lily day \u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa Happy, happy\nLily day... \u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa", "Christmas morning,\nfour years ago.", "Our first Christmas together,\njust the five of us.", "Ooh, Ted, here's another\nfun little trivia me.", "It's called:\nName That Bitch.", "It's, it is Sa... San...", "Wrong. You're\nthinking of Santa,", "'cause it was Christmas.", "Fun fact- each year,\nmy mother has Easter tea", "with her friend Bunny.", "Okay, not that fun.", "I remember her name.", "It's Sarah.", "Close. It's Leilani.", "She just had to come\nto Christmas because you said,", "\"Guys, she might be the one.\"", "And she's\nnot the only", "\"might be the one.\"", "New Year's Eve, 2007:", "Barney, Lily, Robin,\nTed, Marshall", "and \"She's the One\" Emily.", "Robin's Uncle Cecil's funeral:", "Marshall, Lily,\nRobin, Barney, Ted and...", "\"this just proves\nyou find the one", "when you're not looking\" Isabel.", "My appenx surgery:", "Robin, Marshall,\nBarney, Lily, Ted, and...", "Well, this one you admitted\nyou were just trying to bang.", "Respect.\nOh, hey.", "Remember this yoga instructor", "you brought\nto my birthday last year?", "\u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa You. \u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa", "Thank you.", "Thank you.\nOh, my- oh, my God.", "You guys are not going\nto believe who just came in.", "Don't look.\nDon't look!", "Why aren't you looking?!", "It's Slash\nfrom Guns N' Roses!", "Okay, okay, group shot.\nGroup shot!", "And we got it.", "We got a picture\nwith Slash on my birthday.", "Awesome, right? Right?", "We were there.\nWe know how this ends.", "Wrong!", "You know what's funny\nabout this picture?", "He was grabbing my ass.\nReally?", "He was grabbing my ass, too.\nHe was grabbing", "my ass, too- how many hands\ndoes that guy have?", "No wonder he's such\na good guitarist.", "Actually, I'm sorry dude,\nI thought that you were Lily.", "Wait a second.\nLook at these pictures again.", "Barney has the same pose\nin each shot", "and these are,\nlike, years apart.", "Ah, yes, about that:", "I never take a bad picture.", "Never have, never will.", "There has to be\na bad picture of you.", "Nope, not one.", "What about from\nelementary school?", "Everyone has bad\npictures from school.", "Not the Barnacle.", "I always look", "drop dead, stone cold amazing.", "Unlike Marshall, who just looks\ndead, stoned and cold.", "He was right, kids.", "Your Uncle Marshall\ndoes a lot of things well,", "but he does not take\na good picture.", "They're not", "all bad, okay?\nLike... here.", "Here, look at this one.\nMy eyes are open.", "Marshall, no!\nOh, you did", "put a bow on it.", "Chip and dip, Barney?", "Sure.", "Aha!", "Got it! A bad picture.", "Is it though?", "No! Wait!", "You were eating a chip!", "Where's the chip?", "It is physically impossible\nfor me to take a bad picture.", "I don't know why.\nAsk God.", "Look, Lily,\nI'm sorry about Amanda.", "I'm just going to say it.", "You are being\na birthday brat.", "You're all bent out\nof shape just 'cause", "you think I ruined\na couple pictures.", "Oh, Ted.", "These girls have ruined", "so many events,\nor are you forgetting Paris?", "What happened in Paris?", "It was junior year and I was\nstudying abroad in Paris,", "and I hadn't seen\nMarshall for two months.", "Two months.", "And I had just started\nhaving sex.", "I wasn't ready to stop\nfor two months.", "And Marshall was coming\nto visit over spring break.", "And at the last minute,\nTed decided to come", "with the girl he had just\ngotten back together with, Karen.", "Karen.", "I am so excited you're here.", "I'm so excited\nto go to Paris.", "I'm so excited\nto have sex again.", "But just before the plane\ntook off...", "Wait, I want to tell\nyou something.", "Really? 'Cause I think I want\nto tell you the same thing.", "Is your thing, I had sex", "with my philosophy\nprofessor last night?", "'Cause that's my thing.", "And thus began the longest\nseven and a half hours", "of Marshall's life.", "\u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa \u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa", "When I picked them up\nat the airport...", "Ted broke up with me.", "I need to sleep\nin your room this week.", "Marshall can bunk with Ted.", "Two months!", "My balls were bleu! Bleu!", "This will come", "as no shock, but the rest\nof the trip was terrible.", "And all I wanted was", "a romantic kiss picture", "in front\nof the Eiffel Tower, which", "I actually did get.", "It just happened to be between\nKaren and Francois,", "our waiter from the day before.", "Wow, that's just awful.", "Just... Ugh!\nJust-Just...", "Oopsies! Hey.", "I dropped my phone. You mind\npicking it up for me?", "Oh, sure. Smile,\nyou son of a bitch!", "Got it!", "Did you, though?", "Wait. How do you do that?!", "You weren't even standing up!", "The camera loves me, Robin.", "More than loves me.", "The camera lusts after me.", "The camera wants\nto put on some nice lingerie,", "pop in an Al Green CD,", "dim the lights\nand do all the work", "while I just lie there\nwith my eyes closed.", "Look, I'm sorry\nabout Paris", "and all the ruined\ngroup shots,", "but when you're\nsingle, you got to hope", "that each next new\ngirl is the one.", "I mean, Erin.\nEmily.", "Irene.\nOr Isabel.", "And Sarah.\nIt's Leilani.", "What is wrong with you?", "At the time,\nyes, I thought", "each of these girls\ncould be the one,", "but I got to stay hopeful.", "I mean, what's\nthe alternative?", "Here's the alternative.", "How about no more random skanks\nat my birthday!", "Hey, sweetie!", "Hi. Uh, do you guys\nhave a cooling rack?", "Oh, drawer under the oven.", "Can't wait.\nYou're just the best!", "Ted, I'm sorry.", "I gonna have\nto agree with Lily on this.", "I mean, these kind\nof events", "are hard for a new person.", "That's why\nI didn't bring Don tonight.", "I mean, when I lived\nin Japan,", "this guy, for our third date,", "brought me\nto his brother's wedding.", "Now, I- a total stranger-", "am in that Japanese couple's\nwedding picture", "for all eternity.", "Uh...", "Yeah, Ted, I think you\nshould listen to Robin.", "Right, right, 'cause...\n'cause Robin's your best friend.", "Mm.\nExactly.", "Your best friend\nin the whole world.", "Absolutely.", "Careful, Lily. It's a trap.", "And before she was your\nbest friend, what was she?", "Oh, that's right.", "One of my random skanks.", "Hey!", "Okay, yes, Ted.", "This particular skank... Hey!", "...happened\nto work out,", "but she's the\nskanky exception,", "not the skanky rule.", "Okay, I'm crying\na little bit. Okay.", "Hey, guys, that about wraps up\nthis whole skank conversation.", "Let's get back\nto the birthday song!", "Okay, um, Barney,\nyour part goes like this.", "\u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa She's cute \u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa She's cute. \u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa", "Lily, I bring girls\nto these events", "because you guys\nare important to me.", "You're my family.", "And, oh, hey, Robin.\nHey, Robin, Robin,", "your part goes\nlike this.", "\u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa And nice and nice \u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa And also nice! \u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa", "Yes. We're a family.", "So why can't these\nevents ever just be us?", "Like the time we celebrated\nMarshall passing the bar exam.", "Hey.\nHey, guys.", "This is the disgusting,\nsmelly hippie I'm dating.", "Hey!", "I did not say that!", "Well, you might\nas well have.", "Hey, guys.\nThis is Strawberry.", "Hey!", "Um, should we\norder more food?", "Oh, no. Uh,\nStrawberry's not eating.", "I'm a vegetarian.", "Okay.", "Well, let's all raise a glass.", "Mm.", "For the last three years,", "Marshall has been\nworking so hard,", "and I am so proud of you.", "Meat is murder!", "Murder!", "Okay, I admit it.", "Strawberry was a mistake.", "But how could I have known that\ngoing in?", "Her name was Strawberry.", "Look, if it's such a big deal,", "Amanda doesn't have to be\nin the group photo.", "But I promise she's not gonna\nruin your birthday.", "Just-Just give her a chance.", "See, look, guys.", "We're all friends again!", "Now let's work\non those harmonies.", "\u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa Happy happy Lily day! \u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa Happy happy\nLily day... \u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa", "All done.", "I hope you like it.", "\"Happy 42nd birthday, Lori.\"", "Kids, you know how", "I've told you about Lily's\n\"you're dead to me\" look-", "that expression\nshe gets just before", "she explodes\nin white-hot rage?", "Well, this wasn't it.", "But this was Marshall's.", "\"42nd\"?", "Does this", "hot piece of ass look 42 to you?", "Or! Or does she look\nlike her name is Lori?!", "No, Marshall, it's okay.\nNo, Lily, it's not okay.", "Ted, get this stranger\nout of my house!", "I am so sorry.\nOut!", "\u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa Happy, happy Lily day \u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa", "\u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa Happy, happy\nLily day. \u00c3\u00a2\u00c2\u0099\u00c2\u00aa", "Well... Amanda refused\nto come back.", "She thinks you guys hate her.", "Marshall, you have\nto go apologize.", "You ruin Lily's birthday\nand you want me to apologize?", "If anything, you should\napologize to me.", "What are you talking about?", "Ted, you bring girls\nto these intimate events", "and it makes them think that\nthings are really serious.", "And then when you\nbreak up with them,", "you know who they turn to?", "Me. I've been your girlfriend\ncleanup crew for yea.", "February, 2005.", "I had just come back\nfrom a marathon study session", "at the law library.\nHey.", "Hey, Natalie,\nwhere's, uh, where's Ted?", "We broke up... again!", "Uh-oh.", "Won't you sit with me\nfor a little while?", "Just sit?", "Man, you know what? I've been up\nfor, like, 36 hours.", "Just for a few minutes.", "And at first,\nI was completely sympathetic.", "But damn it, Ted,", "over the years,\nyou made me cynical.", "You know what? I'm going to\ngo get us some Rocky Road,", "and we're just going to sit here\nand talk it out until it makes sense.", "I just thought we had\nsomething so special, you know?", "Me, too. Yeah.", "But, you know, life\ngoes on, sweetheart.", "I don't know how I'm going to put\nmy life back together after this.", "Oh, shut up.", "Well, I'm sorry my search\nfor true love has been", "such an inconvenience\nto you guys.", "You know what?\nMaybe your precious pictures", "would look a lot better\nif I wasn't in them.", "They'd look a lot better if Marshall\nweren't in them. Cheap shot, bro.", "Cheap shot.", "You know what these\npictures are, Lily?", "They're a big, fat lie.", "They're posed.\nThey're touched up.", "They're what you want our life\nto be, not what it is.", "That's not true!\nOh, yeah? Okay.", "Look at this one.", "Halloween,\ntwo years ago.", "You and Marshall\ngot in a huge fight", "because you didn't want\nto dress up as penguins.", "No, no-no, it's not just\nthat she didn't want to.", "It's that she called\npenguins \"lame.\" Penguins.", "And yet, here you are,", "smiling like nothing's\nwrong- completely phony.", "Robin's birthday,\nthree years ago.", "Robin had a cold\nand you made her", "change out of her\npajama's for the picture.", "And then you pinched my cheeks", "really hard to get\nsome color in them.", "Yeah, but you look pretty.", "And then, we all ate\nchocolate cake in my bed.", "Actually, that was\na really nice night.", "Yeah, it was.", "Yeah, I guess it was.", "Hey, look at this one.", "This is the first picture", "the three of us\never took together.", "That's right. It was.", "Yeah, you remember\nhow it happened?", "Okay, ready?", "Wait, wait, wait.", "What pose should we do?", "Buddy cop picture?", "Oh, no, no-no!\nWhat about, um, '80s sitcom", "about two roommates who never\nagree on anything? Mm-hmm.", "Nice. Okay,\none, two...", "Hi, Marshall.", "Ready for the movie?", "Um, yeah. Just a\nsecond though, okay?", "We're about to\nmake history.", "We're about to take our\nfirst ever roommate picture.", "Yeah. Hey, why don't you\nget in the picture, too?", "Really?", "Yeah.", "What are you doing, Ted?\nWhat if we break up?", "What if you don't?", "Come on.\nCome on.", "I forgot all about that.", "Marshall and I had just\nbeen dating a few weeks", "and you invited me\ninto the picture.", "I liked you.", "We have to get Amanda back.", "Really?\nTed,", "you believed in me.", "It's my turn\nto believe in you.", "For all I know,\nshe's the one.", "Thanks, Lil.", "I think Lori's age\nhas made her very wise.", "They say your forties are when you\nreally get to know yourself. Hmm.", "So, your Aunt Lily\ncalled Amanda.", "All right, people,\ngather around.", "Let's make a memory.", "Okay, Marshall-\nMarshall, try this.", "Keep your eyes closed\nuntil the last second,", "and when I say so,\nopen them. Okay.", "Hey, Barney, is that\na hole in your suit jacket?", "What? Where?", "Now, Marshall!", "Damn it!", "Ted, name that bitch.", "Birth... a?\nBertha?", "No, it was my birthday.", "Your brain makes associations\nin a very obvious way.", "All right, people.", "Gather around.\nLet's make a memory.", "Hey, Robin, what's in\nthis dip you made?", "'Cause it tastes\nlike... cilantro.", "And you know that\ncilantro makes me...", "Yes!"], "How I Met Your Mother S05E19 Zoo or False": ["Kids, you may be wondering", "How many of these stories\nI'm telling you are true.", "It's a fair question.", "After all, there's a fine line", "Between a good story\nand a bald-faced lie.", "I've never met anyone", "Who could work that line\nbetter than your Uncle Barney.", "Heck, he could jump rope with it.", "I love to travel myself.", "Really?", "Where's the best\nplace you've visited?", "Hawaii's nice.", "A buddy of mine lives in Seattle.", "That's a good spot.", "But the best place?", "I'd have to say the moon.", "Hi. Neil Armstrong.", "No! You did not convince\na girl that you were", "The first man to walk on the moon!", "That happened seven years\nbefore you were born!", "Ted, baby doll, minor hurdle.", "Oh, yeah, well, our spaceship\npassed through a wormhole", "Or some gamma Rays or something.", "I started aging backwards,\nblah, blah, blah.", "So, you work in a yogurt shop.\nThat must be wild.", "Although, I did actually work In\na yogurt store in High School.", "And it was indeed...", "Wild.", "Anyhoo, 20 minutes later,\nthe eagle landed.", "We knocked Space boots.", "Houston, we have a moaner.", "Other Space-related\ndouble entendres.", "Why do you feel the need\nto lie all the time?", "I'm not lying!", "Guys, we made sweet love.", "I got pictures.", "I hate my job.", "What are you talking about?", "I thought you just\ninterviewed the mayor.", "Mayor mcwoof.", "He wears a dog costume and\nteaches kids not to litter.", "At least He's supposed to.", "Oh, I don't want to\ntalk about mayor mcwoof.", "I want to talk about these amazing\ninsoles From bon appe-feet!", "Just look how\nshock-absorbent they are!", "Prop table! Table's a prop!", "We'll be right back.", "We'll be right back.", "Oh. Sorry, Robin.", "Got bored.", "Yeah, I don't blame you.", "Man, just one decent interview\nWould be so nice for a change.", "Fine. I'll look at my schedule,\nsee when I'm available.", "But I want a list of\nquestions ahead of time,", "And my personal life is off limits.", "Ted, you caught seven\npeanuts in a row.", "It's impressive,\nbut it's not newsworthy.", "You caught seven in a row?\n- Seven in a row.", "But that's not what I'm\ntalking about that.", "No. I'm talking about how\nI was selected to build", "A scale model of the\nempire state building", "For the largest recreation Of the\nNew York skyline in the world.", "Is that the thing you were\nplaying with the other night?", "I wasn't playing.", "I was working.", "\"it's you.\"", "\"it's me.\"", "\"I saw you in the street.", "Are you Annie?\"", "\"yes.\"", "Ted, are you acting\nout the last scene", "Of sleepless in Seattle\nwith little dolls?", "How long have you been out here?", "Ten seconds.", "Yeah. Just the last scene.", "Oh, Ted. Again?", "Ooh. That's the pizza.", "Baby, do you have any cash?", "Oh. You know, uh,\nI don't... I actually...", "I don't think that I\nshould Have to pay.", "'cause I'm not a fan of pizza.", "What?!", "Marshall, we've driven\nhalfway across the country", "For a piece of pizza\nliterally hundreds of times.", "I once caught you eating\npizza in the shower.", "Marshall, there's a cartoon\nof you on our coupons.", "I'm not saying Marshall's\na guy who likes pizza,", "But last time he went\nin for a physical,", "Doctor says, \"marshall,\nyou got to stop eating pizza.\"", "Marshall says, \"why?\" doc says,\n\"so I can examine you.\"", "But seriously,\nwe kid because we love.", "All right, look, the reason", "That I don't have any\nmoney on me is because...", "I got mugged.", "You...? What?", "Can somebody please pay Arthur?\nAll right? I'm starving!", "How's your dad, by the way? Better.", "Good. Mm. Mm.", "Oh, my God, you got mugged?!", "Who mugged you?", "Was he wearing a black skull-knit\ncap And a five o'clock shadow?", "Did he say, \"stick 'em up?\"", "Yes, Barney, because\nI got mugged in 1947", "At the corner of abbott\nand costello. No.", "I was cutting through central\npark on my way home from work...", "Watch it.", "Don't get any closer.", "It's cool. It's cool.", "It was... Completely terrifying.", "It was... Completely terrifying.", "What are you doing?", "I'm rehearsing.", "I'm gonna pretend this\nhappened to me later", "To try and get some sympathy sex.", "Barney, that won't work.", "Will it?", "Big time. I'll allow it.", "I can't believe Someone pointed\na gun at my marshmallow.", "Now, I'm shaking.", "I-I don't think I'm going\nto be able to sleep tonight.", "Oh! Here, sweetie. I have something\nthat will help you sleep.", "Just stick this under your pillow.", "You'll sleep like a freakin' baby.", "Robin, put that away.", "It's not going to hurt anyone.", "The safety's... on.", "Okay, you know what?", "Let's all just relax.", "We don't need a gun.", "I'd just like to forget\nthis ever happened", "And try to move on with my life.", "Just like to forget\nthis ever happened", "And try to move on with my life.", "This is great stuff.", "I think I'm gonna\nadd tears, though.", "Listen, baby, I know that it's scary,\nbut look at me.", "I'm fine, okay?", "Can we just put this behind us?", "Oh, that's gold, but I'm going", "To switch it to \"\nput me behind you.\"", "Look, baby, you don't\nhave to worry about me.", "I mean, yes, I'm a little scared,\nbut I'm a new yorker.", "I'm not gonna let this change me.", "I've changed!", "I'm a gun person now.", "Clip! Yeah,\nmaybe we should just take", "A break for a little bit...\nI said, \"clip.\"", "You want to get a gun?\nNot a scary one.", "Just a cute, little,\npink beretta that matches", "These adorable strappy\nsandals I just bought.", "By the way,\nour new credit card works.", "You don't need a gun.", "Every statistic in the world\npoints to the fact that", "It's safer not to have a gun\nin the home than to have one,", "Especially in our home.", "You know how I'm always\naccidentally injuring you.", "Pretty easy, right?", "Hurry up, baby.\nThe party's about to start.", "Boo!", "Oh, my God, Lily!", "I thought you were\ngoing as a sexy cat!", "I changed my mind.", "And now you want to bring\na gun into that equation?", "I know, you're right,\nbut every time I close my eyes,", "I picture that guy\npointing a gun at you.", "And you're my whole world,\nMarshall.", "If something ever happened to you,\nI would just...", "I would just... Okay.", "Okay... No, I know. I know.", "Okay, look, I've got\nto admit something.", "That mugging didn't happen exactly\nthe way that I said it did.", "Aha! So he was wearing a black,\nskull-knit cap.", "Told... Ja! No, he wasn't\nwearing A black, skull-knit cap.", "He wasn't wearing anything.", "Wait, so... Watch it.", "Don't get any closer.", "It's... It's cool.", "It's cool.", "He naked-muggered you?", "I'm not going to ask where\nhe was keeping the gun.", "Are we sure it was a gun?", "Okay, no, guys.", "I was, I was walking home from work...\nThrough central park,", "And I stopped at the zoo.", "Watch it. Don't get any closer.", "Oh, it's cool. It's cool.", "You're telling us... That you\ngot mugged... By a monkey.", "I got mugged by a monkey.", "You got mugged by a monkey?", "Yep, I got mugged by a monkey.", "I was embarrassed,\nso I made up the other story.", "But the point is, Lily,\nyou don't need a gun.", "Oh, forget about the gun.\nWe're on this now.", "Whoa, monkeys are\nmugging people now?", "It really is a jungle out there.", "Oh, my God! That\nmonkey has our address.", "What if he's in a gang?", "I hope he doesn't do a swing-by.", "Why didn't you just ask the\nzookeeper to get your wallet back?", "'cause I saw what the\nmonkey was doing with it,", "And I didn't really\nwant it after that.", "Hey, guys. What's up?", "Oh, some new information has come\nto light on Marshall's mugging.", "Oh, really? Did they catch the guy?", "Well, he's behind bars.", "Well, where did they find him?", "Oh, I'm guessing naked in a tree,\nthrowing his own feces.", "Oh, I've seen that guy.", "See, that's why I take cabs.", "You know how they\ncaught him, right?", "There was a tail on him.\nThere was a tail on him!", "Okay... What is going on?", "All right, Robin,\nhere's what happened.", "No-no-no-no! Let me tell it.\nIt's my story.", "You see, young Marshall Was\nat the zoo eating a banana...", "No, I wasn't eating a banana!", "If you're gonna tell it,\ntell it right.", "Oh, you're right.", "The banana was on the ground.", "There was no...\nThere was no banana.", "Marshall, I apologize... truly.", "Robin, here's what happened.", "Oh, God.", "Oh, God, don't shoot.", "There was no banana! Oh, come on.", "Barney, I know, Marshall\ndidn't get mugged by a monkey.", "Marshall?", "That part he got right.", "Guys!", "This is not an\nuncommon thing, okay?", "In Thailand, in China,\nin Costa Rica,", "People get mugged by\nmonkeys all the time.", "Monkeys are gatherers.", "Because of their\nintersocial dynamics,", "Having a predisposition\ntowards stealing", "Gives one a genetic advantage.", "You were mugged by a monkey!", "Maybe he was just curious.", "Were you wearing a yellow hat?", "Marshall, in all seriousness,\nthis is a great story.", "I mean, can I interview\nyou about it on my show?", "What?! He gets to be on your show?", "What about my model?", "No one wants to see a guy come\non my show and play with dolls.", "Okay, first of all,\nthat is not what it is.", "And second of all,", "You just had a guy on your\nshow playing with dolls.", "So, your dolls are favored to win", "At the rhinebeck collector\nawards next month.", "Only if they behave themselves.", "Last year, I found\none of them cavorting", "With a g.I. Joe.", "It's not funny.", "What were you thinking?", "What if you'd gotten pregnant?", "And you invited him back\nfor a follow-up interview.", "Only because the FBI asked us", "To keep him occupied while\nthey search his house.", "Come on, Marshall. I need the story.\nIt's got everything.", "Crime, monkeys, no stupid model\nof the empire state building", "That takes up my entire living room", "And makes the whole\nplace smell like glue.", "Come on. Do this for me...\nAs a friend?", "It'd be fun to see you on tv. Yeah.", "Okay... Can you promise\nto present it in a way", "That doesn't make a\njoke out of the fact", "That I got mugged by a monkey?", "You got mugged by a monkey.", "Oh, my God.", "I just got mugged. What?", "Is what I was saying to this\ngirl at the bar earlier...", "It was completely terrifying.", "I just want to forget", "This ever happened and try\nto move on with my life.", "Oh, you poor thing.", "Neil?", "Neil. Neil. I... I... Neil!", "Lady, my name's not Neil.\nIt's bar... Gah-gah!", "Why are you calling him Neil?", "Because that's his name.", "He's Neil Armstrong.", "The cyclist? I thought", "You were supposed to be\non a shuttle mission?", "I thought you just got mugged.", "Okay, I can do this.", "Uh, uh, you see,\nI was on my way to the launch pad", "When I was mugged.", "And the mugger took\nmy space shuttle keys.", "Nailed it.\nWho's up for a three-way?", "I am.", "Me, too.", "And it was the best three-way ever.", "Strange, 'cause you look", "Like you just had two vodka\ntonics thrown in your face.", "And you have lime in your hair.", "I do?", "The story's better with my ending.", "Just... Okay?", "So, there we are, zero gravity.", "The three of us wearing\nnothing but space helmets...", "Marshall!", "You won't believe it.", "I pitched the monkey mugger story\nTo my producer and he loves it!", "Oh... Wow. Yeah!", "Really? Cool. Yeah!", "I mean, who's ever heard of a\nguy getting mugged by a monkey?", "No one except for the\ngood people of Thailand,", "China, Costa Rica,\nand plenty of other countries", "Where monkey crime is an\nextremely common nuisance.", "Well, the best part is,\nhe said that", "It might get picked\nup to go national.", "Guys, this monkey mugger\nstory could make me famous.", "Me, too.", "Guys, this is bad.\nI-I can't, I can't do this.", "So, it'll be a little\nembarrassing... so what?", "It's not that. Guys...", "I wasn't mugged by a monkey.", "So, you weren't mugged by a monkey?", "No, I wasn't.", "So what you're saying is", "The monkey tricked you into\ngiving him your wallet?", "No, that's not what I'm saying.", "So you mugged the monkey?", "Guys, there was no monkey!", "It was a human being with a gun.", "Are you sure it wasn't one monkey", "Standing on another\nmonkey's shoulders,", "Wearing a men's trench coat?", "Be about the right height.", "No! I... I just made that story up", "So that Lily wouldn't get a gun.", "The truth is that\nit never happened.", "I don't buy it. What?", "You heard me. I think you\nwere mugged by a monkey.", "You just don't want\nto go on Robin's show", "'cause you're afraid it'll make you", "Look like a big joke.\nWell, won't it?", "The biggest, 'cause it's so funny.", "Well, it never happened, okay?", "And I can lie to you guys about\nit because you're my best friends.", "I am, but go on.", "But I can't lie about\nit on national tv.", "Ted, you've known him the longest.", "Is he telling the truth?", "Ted, don't...", "I can't tell.", "He smells good.", "But I just can't tell.", "Well, I'm still saying it happened.", "Maybe. But, Marshall,\nif you didn't get mugged by a monkey,", "You can't let Robin\nreport it on her show.", "I mean, this could\nhurt her credibility.", "Oh, please! Journalists\nlie all the time.", "I'm sorry, but I will believe", "That Jack Palance is\ndead when I see the body.", "Okay, this may come as\na shock to you, Barney,", "But people don't\nlike to be lied to.", "Wrong! They don't like finding\nout they've been lied to.", "\"because a lie is\njust a great story", "That someone ruined\nwith the truth.\"", "Barney Stinson.", "Case in point, what that\ngirl Sarah did to me!", "I think you mean\nwhat you did to her.", "No, I mean what she did to me.", "The truth is, I'm afraid\nthe three-way story", "Didn't go exactly the\nway I said it did.", "Nailed it.\nWho's up for a three-way?", "Lisa, wait.", "Yes, Neil?", "Oh, you're Lisa? Sarah, wait.", "Look.", "I'm not Neil Armstrong.", "I'm sorry I lied.", "Well, I guess I wasn't completely\nhonest with you, either.", "I mean, I said that I was 28,", "But the truth is\nthat I'm really 31.", "And if we're being\ncompletely honest,", "I went to the doctor the other\nday and found out... 31!", "I was happy, very happy,", "Thinking that I had nailed a\n28-year-old with some sun damage.", "People want the lie.", "Marshall, they need the lie,\nwhich is why,", "As far as I'm concerned,\nyou were mugged by a monkey.", "Just as sure as I\nhad that three-way.", "I am the greatest in the world!", "Bar... Barney!", "Is that the three-way belt?", "You know it. Props!", "Man, I slept so great last night.", "Can you believe I\nalmost bought a gun?", "I'm so glad you got\nmugged by a monkey.", "Okay... You guys got me.", "I was just nervous.", "I, I got mugged by a monkey.", "Yes! I knew it.", "Wait a minute. Now I'm thinking", "You really weren't\nmugged by a monkey.", "Come on, Ted. Why would he\nmake something like that up?", "Yeah, come on, Ted.", "Come here.", "Okay, seriously,\nwhat is that cologne?", "It's intoxicating.", "So, late the following night,", "We all went to the\nset of Robin's show.", "Okay, Marshall, now,\ndon't be nervous.", "What we're going to do is\nwe're going to sit you...", "What the hell is this?", "I don't know. Looks like\nsomething covered by a sheet.", "Guess if you want to find out,", "You're going to have\nto do a story on it.", "You're going to be\ncovered by a sheet", "If you don't get your\nstupid model out of here.", "Dude, what are you doing?", "I don't think Marshall's\ngoing to lie on tv.", "And when he backs out,\nI want to be there", "For my friend, Robin, with a story.", "Or rather, 102 stories,", "Because that's how tall a certain\niconic New York landmark is.", "Now, I want to buy a gun.", "Whoa, the monkey's here.\nYeah, surprise.", "We thought it would help the story", "To bring him here so you\ncould face your attacker.", "Yeah. Because of this incident,", "We will be sending Captain\nBobo to a wildlife sanctuary.", "Oh, I bet he'll like it there.", "No, ma'am.", "You see, we'll be splitting\nhim up from his mate, Milly.", "They've been together\nfor a long time.", "His mate's name is Milly?", "And then, the interview began.", "Marshall, in your own words,\nDescribe what happened.", "Well, I would, I...", "I would love to tell you\nwhat happened, Robin.", "But I'm just, I'm so curious", "As to what is going on\nunderneath that sheet.", "Well, we're not here\nto talk about that.", "We're here to talk about\nyour mugging. Right.", "Well, people get mugged in\nNew York City all the time,", "Robin, but how often\ndo you get to see", "Whatever's under that sheet?", "Mike, can we get a shot of that?", "We'll be right back. We're clear.", "What the hell are you doing?", "Robin, I... I wasn't really\nmugged by a monkey, okay?", "I just made up that story so\nthat Lily wouldn't buy a gun.", "So you weren't mugged by a monkey?", "No, what are you\ntalking about, baby?", "Of course I was mugged by a monkey.", "Great, tell it to America.", "We're back in five.", "No-no-no, not back in five.", "I wasn't mugged by a monkey.", "Okay, that's it.\nI'm getting a gun. No-no-no!", "Don't get a gun.\nI was mugged by a monkey.", "Well, then Bobo here is going away.", "Wasn't! I wasn't\nmugged by a monkey!", "Ted, do you have any idea if\nMarshall was mugged by a monkey?", "None whatsoever.", "Just tell me, were you or were\nyou not mugged by Captain Bobo?", "Yeah, baby, just tell\nus what really happened.", "Yeah, Marshall,\njust us tell the truth.", "And that's when Marshall realized", "There was only one\nthing he could say.", "All right!", "Here's the truth.", "I...", "Am going back to bed.", "And that was it.", "We never found out what really\nhappened to Uncle Marshall's wallet.", "But we do know this.", "Aunt Lily never got a gun,\nRobin's credibility remained unimpeached,", "And Bobo and Milly lived\nout their days together", "In the Central Park Zoo.", "Damn it.", "All right, Ted, mic up.", "Mic'd up and made up.", "Red leather, yellow leather.", "Well, that wasn't very satisfying.", "When I tell everyone\nat work this story,", "I'm saying he was\nmugged by a monkey.", "And I'm going to keep the\nbanana on a string thing.", "That was working.", "Barney, enough with the lies.", "You can't just tack on a new ending", "Because you're not satisfied\nwith how a story wraps up.", "Oh, really?", "Well, mark my words, Mosby.", "Someday you'll be telling this story,\nyou'll see it my way.", "Doubtful.", "And then, kids, you'll never\nbelieve what happened.", "The monkey got loose!", "He's got one of my dolls!", "Bobo, come here, Bobo.", "Bobo... Whow whow whow...", "He's climbing the building!", "Bobo, come here.", "I'll get him.", "Is this really happening?", "Sure is, Ted."], "How I Met Your Mother S05E20 Home Wreckers": ["Kids, everyone has\none or two moments", "when they make a\nhuge, crazy decision", "that changes their lives forever.", "This is the story of mine.", "It all started with a\nvisit from my mom", "and her longtime boyfriend, Clint,", "who was always\nsaying stuff like...", "Ted, your mother is a very...\nvery erotic woman.", "Please don't.", "As a painter / songwriter /", "volunteer fear-fighter, I find her...", "incredibly sexual.", "But you have your own sexual\nmemories with your mom, don't you?", "Please don't.", "Exiting her womb,\nreceiving her milk.", "You get me?", "Good.", "I cannot believe I am with that man.", "Mom, mom, it's ok.", "You don't have to settle.", "There are plenty of guys who...", "He is so cool!", "And he picked me!", "Well, I'm, uh...", "I'm glad you're both so happy.", "Well, good, because we\ndo have an announcement...", "Son.", "Yes, my mom was lapping me.", "Getting married for a second time", "before I was even married once.", "I was so happy for them.", "So freaking happy.", "Still, weddings can be magical.", "For all I knew, I'd end up sharing\na dance with my future wife there.", "And if you don't boil those jam jars,", "it's just a welcome mat for bacteria.", "That wasn't her.", "Oh, congratulations! Oh!", "We are so happy for you.", "I feel like I'm 19 again.\n- Oh.", "It's like the last 35 years\nof my life never happened.", "So wonderful to hear, mom.", "Son, to show that your mom and\nI will always be there for you,", "I want you to have this\nbeautiful picture that I painted.", "Kids, there was no guitar.", "Excuse me, Ted.", "Best...wedding... e...ver.", "Hello, everyone. Mahallow\nfor being here with us.", "My entire life...", "Well, this life.", "I've waited for a muse like Virginia.", "Baby...", "this is your song.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa When I squeeze her trembling bosom \u00e2\u0099\u00aa\n- Oh, God...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa The blood pumps to my loins \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa When I penetrate her...\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Kids, I swear to God, I blacked\nout for the next 12 minutes.", "So I have no idea how the\nsong got to this ending.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And Mahatma Gandhi \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And the pancakes \u00e2\u0099\u00aa Everyone!", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And the dragon \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And you \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Guys, guys! Guess what Robin just did.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Red and true...\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Are you crying?", "I know it's stupid, but...", "Everyone!\n\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And the dragon...\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "They're happy, you know?", "Not as happy as I am, Robin.", "Guys, guys! Guess what Robin just did.", "And then, I told you\nguys what Robin just did,", "but you were there for that.", "I gotta tell the rest of the wedding.", "Aunt Meredith!", "Kids, I can't overstate", "how horrible it is\nto be the single guy", "at your own mother's\nsecond wedding.", "So, Ted, when's your wedding?", "So, Ted, when's your wedding?", "When's your wedding?\n- When's your wedding?", "When's your wedding?", "Robin cried at Clint's song.", "Oh, I told you already.", "Ted's hot sister, Heather!", "I have to leave.", "Wait, Ted. What about your toast?", "Make up some emergency\nor something. I just...", "I-I can't handle this.", "Ted, Ted, where are you going?\nIt's your mother's wedding!", "Uncle Larry, my hand to God.", "Niagra Falls.", "She's pouring.", "And my friends didn't see\nme for the next 72 hours.", "Seriously, is Ted okay?", "I mean, I know it was\na rough weekend, but", "...this radio silence is weird.\n- I know.", "His mom's called, like, five times\nasking where he disappeared to.", "Sorry, Robin. They're\nall out of pretzels.", "And I know how emotional you get.", "Shh.", "Shh. Let it go.", "Let it go.\n- Okay!", "Shh.\n- Okay, I...", "I cried at Clint's song.", "She cried at Clint's song.", "Hey, guys.\n- Ted, where have you been?", "Are you okay?", "Oh, I'm better than okay. I am\non top of the world. Come on.", "We're going for a ride!", "Hey, buddy, do you want\nto, maybe, let somebody", "who isn't having some sort of\nmanic episode drive for a while?", "Yeah, and where the hell are we going?", "First, let me tell you what\nhappened the night of the wedding.", "Watching my mom get married,", "I realized how far behind\nI was in my own life.", "I just had to get out of there.", "So I went back to my hotel\nroom and got onto this Web site", "I sometimes visit when I can't sleep...", "Oh! Oh! Oh-oh! Ted,\ncome on. Oh, God. T.M.I.", "We do not want to know what you and\nthe Internet do when you're lonely.", "I didn't... I...", "That's not the part of the\nnight I was talking about.", "I went to my favorite\nreal estate auction site...", "Come on, we've all got one...", "scrolled through a few properties and...", "Guys...", "I just bought my dream house.", "What do you mean you bought this house?", "I mean, I made a bid online.", "I won the auction the next\nday and I got approval.", "I just finalized the paperwork.", "And was the Blair\nWitch easy to deal with,", "Or did she haggle\nover the closing costs?", "Don't even joke about that, man.", "So, I'm thinking this\nroom will be the study.", "You know, a place just for Dad.", "I mean, the kids are welcome in here", "if they're reading a book, but no toys.", "It's not a question of withholding love.", "It's a question of drawing boundaries.", "Whoa.", "Ted, this is insane.", "This is going to take years", "and a small fortune to make livable.", "I'm an architect. I'll find a way.", "And if I start right now,\nit'll be done by the time", "the ol' wifey and\nI are ready to move in.", "Is she in the room\nwith us right now, Ted?", "Okay, okay, I know I haven't\nfound Mrs. Mosby yet,", "but I will, knock on wood.", "Careful, buddy.", "Ted, you can't just skip ahead to\nwhere you think your life should be.", "Doesn't work that way.", "Yeah, I gotta agree. This may be\nthe stupidest thing you've ever done.", "Stupidest thing any of us has ever done.", "Okay, all right.", "Let's lay off Ted, all right?\n- Thank you.", "Alright? We've all done some\nstupid things in our lives.", "For example, I remember a time", "when I dropped some bottle\nrockets in the toilet,", "and I tried to dry them\noff in the microwave.", "God, you must have\nbeen drunk off your ass.", "No, too stupid to be an adult. He\nwas obviously a kid when it happened.", "Kid? Why...\n- Throw rockets in the...", "Oh, my God, guys! Great new game:", "\"Drunk or Kid.\" Which one was I?", "Lock in your guesses.", "Drunk. Drunk. Kid.", "Kid. Drumroll, please.", "I was...", "Drunk!", "You know, I'm glad Robin got it right.", "Cause she's very sensitive and fragile.", "I'm referencing the time\nshe cried at Clint's song.", "And even though I'm whispering,", "I actually hope she hears me.", "It wasn't me!\n- What?", "I'm not the one who\ncried at Clint's song.", "Are you... crying?", "I know it's stupid, but... Everyone!", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And the dragon...\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "They're just happy, you know?", "Not as happy as I am.", "I will give you $500 if this just\nhappened to you instead of me.", "500 bucks? Deal.", "Thank you, Robin.", "You just saved me unspeakable\npublic humiliation and shame.", "Guys! Guys!", "Guess what Robin just did.", "Wait, you guys are...", "Hi, I'm here for the inspection.", "Oh, great! I was worried\nyou weren't coming.", "I was actually here a few minutes ago,\nbut I guess the doorbell doesn't work.", "Hmm. Oh, hey!", "Doorbell does not work.", "Wait, wait. You're just getting\nthis place inspected now?", "Well, yeah.", "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!", "Okay! All right!", "All right, let's all\nremember that we've all done", "some stupid things in our lives, okay?", "For example, I once\ntried to ride my bike down", "an extension ladder from the\nroof of a two-story house.", "The only looming question is", "Was I drunk or a kid?", "Drunk! Kid! Kid! Drunk!", "Drumroll, please.", "I was...", "Marshall's dead!", "Marshall's dead!", "A kid.\n- Marshall!", "Moms, right?", "Just always making a\nbig deal out of nothing.", "I came out of that\ncoma in under a week.", "Hey, let's check out the porch, huh?", "Come on.", "I'm going to put a grill out here.", "Every Sunday, right here,", "it's going to be a total sausage fest.", "Hmm... Sausage party?", "Burgers, we'll do burgers.", "Ted, stop it. You can't keep\nthis house. It's a huge mistake.", "Lily, listen to me.", "I had a plan, okay?\nWife, house, kids.", "As it turns out, the universe", "it's being kind of a wad about\nthe whole wife and kids part.", "So, what's the one\nthing I can control?", "The house. I bought it.", "It's not a huge mistake.\n- Exactly.", "Now, me driving my brother's\ncar the wrong way down I-94,", "that was a huge mistake.", "Drunk! Kid! Kid! Kid!", "I was...", "A kid.", "Yes!", "Wow, Barney.", "Did you cry on that guy or something?", "Yeah. You got leaky pipes.", "But the bright side:", "the pond in your basement is drowning\nsome of the larger, slower rats.", "The rest of them, well...\nthey're headed this way.", "See, you should have waited to find\nout the problems with this house.", "You can always find\nproblems with any decision,", "but you can't let that stop you.", "Freshman year, Marshall knew right away\nhe wanted to spend his life with you.", "What if someone had been there\nto second-guess that decision?", "Bye.", "I know we've only been on two dates, but\ndammit, Lily Aldrin, I'm gonna marry you.", "Not so fast.", "We got some structural issues here.", "These hips are not\nEriksen baby-compliant.", "And this thing right here", "does not have a proper filter.", "That's a maintenance issue\nthat's never going to go away.", "And I know you think that you\nlike this Gothic exterior now", "But deep down, didn't you always\npicture yourself in something Spanish?", "I'd recommend you look\ninto the rental option.", "But Marshall took that leap of faith,", "and it's the best thing that\never happened to you both.", "It was Robin!", "What?", "Yes, it was Robin who\ncried at Clint's song!", "But she said...\nI know what she said.", "But here's what she\ndidn't want you to know.", "Listen, Barney,", "I can't stand all these\njokes about me crying.", "If I pretend to reveal that\nyou were the one who cried,", "will you go along with it?", "Sure.", "I made a mistake\nletting you go, didn't I?", "Your penis is enormous.", "Dude, you almost had us.\n- You always take it one too far.", "Dammit.", "All right, good news.", "Think we'll be out of here early.\n- Really?", "Yep, I finished downstairs\nand the outside.", "Now, I could keep looking\nand see what else I can find", "besides the black mold,\nthe damaged retaining wall,", "the frayed electrical wires,", "the lead paint, the water damage,", "the fire damage, the sun damage,", "the broken furnace, the\nrotted floorboards...", "Oh, look at that. No termites.", "The cracked chimney,\nthe bats, the rats,", "the spiders, the raccoons, the hobo,", "the detached gutter,", "the outdated fuse box and\nthe paint job in the kitchen,", "which is fine, but the trim really\nclashes with the countertops.", "Or I could just recommend", "that you do not buy this godforsaken\nGuantanamo Bay of a house,", "and suggest that we all\nget our asses out of here", "before a medium-sized wind\nblows the whole sumbitch down.", "What if I already bought\nthe sum'bitch?", "I will check out the upstairs.", "Did he say he found a hobo?", "Ok, yes. There are problems.", "But I see this house for\nwhat I know it can be.", "I see a swing on that tree outside.", "I-I see a wreath on the\nfront door at Christmas.", "I see a grill", "out on that patio where I'll\nbe barbecuing every weekend.", "I see a life that I\nknow I can have here.", "I see a lawsuit.", "Found termites.", "Hey, well, the good news is the\ninspector killed some roaches on impact.", "Oh, hold on.", "Giant hole in second floor.", "Just wanted to make sure\nthe report is thorough.", "You were right.", "This was a huge\nmistake. It's just...", "Everyone's moving on but me.", "You guys got a place years ago.\nRobin's getting serious with Don.", "Barney... Maybe that's a new tie?", "Thank you. Geez.", "Now my mom is remarried.", "I... I'm exactly where I was five\nyears ago. I'm sick of it. I'm...", "I'm ready for the life\nthat fits into this house.", "It's all right, buddy.", "Sometimes people make the\nwrong decisions in life.", "Like your mother.", "What do you mean?", "Ted, as you know,\nI've always been", "very, very fond of your mother.", "Please don't.", "In fact, Virginia and I shared\na special moment back in", "2006 B.C.", "Before Clint.", "What the hell are you talking about?", "I wanted to be your dad!", "What does that even mean?\n- Don't you talk back to me, young man.", "That's why I cried at Clint's song.", "Because that bastard\ntook her away from me.", "And now, all I'm left with...", "is the memory of dropping\nher off at the airport.", "And that's how you got the brooch?", "Unbelievable.", "You...", "So, here we are.", "Here we are.", "We made good time...\nNot a lot of traffic...", "Oh, I love this song.", "Do you?\n- Hmm.", "I can...", "Listen...", "Ted's mom.", "I...", "should really... I\n- Sh...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Workin' on our night moves \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Tryin' to make some\nfront-page drivin' news \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Workin' on our night moves \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Your penis is enormous.", "Again? Always one too far!", "Okay, all right. Fine,\nthat last part I made up,", "but the rest of it,\nI swear it was true.", "Come on, dude.\nYour mom is a cougar.", "Wait, I thought you said\na cougar can't be over 50.", "Okay, she's a Mellencamp.", "Guys, I am screwed. I mean, the\nbest I can do is level this place", "and sell the property\nfor a huge loss.", "Look, Ted...", "Usually in life when you make a stupid\ndecision you just have to live with it.", "But how often do you get the\nchance to pick up a sledgehammer", "and bash the living hell out of it?", "This is stupid.\n- Your mom and I got to second base.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I'll light the fire \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa You place the\nflowers in the vase \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa That you bought today \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Thanks, Lily. That felt fantastic.", "To Ted Mosby, homeowner,", "friend, and if he can\nrent it out, slumlord.", "There's, uh...", "There's one last thing I gotta do.", "And my friends didn't see\nme for the next 72 hours.", "He was our ride.", "Hi.\n- Ted, what are you doing here?", "I never got to give\nyou guys your toast.", "I was selfish and I freaked\nout and I'm so sorry, so...", "Here it is...", "\"How bout a hand for the\ndeejay? Gesture to dee...\"", "I'll skip down.", "\"Mom, I love you,", "and I've never seen you as\nhappy as you are with Clint.", "And Clint, welcome to the family...", "What you two have is what\nI one day hope to find.", "But until then, cheers to you both.\"", "I love you, guys.", "Ted...", "I am so...", "baked right now.", "I'm only 60% sure you're\nactually standing in front of me.", "But if you are, I love you.", "And you are the best son\na mother could ever have.", "There was no logical reason why my\nmother should be with a guy like that.", "And yet, as you kids know,", "being with your Grandpa Clint was the\nbest decision your grandma ever made.", "Sometimes our best\ndecisions are the ones", "that don't make any sense at all.", "Hey.\n- Hey, buddy.", "How did you know I was\ngonna be up here today?", "Robin told me.", "Happy housewarming.", "But I-I, I told you the last time\nI saw you I'm selling the place.", "I know what you said.", "I also know my best\nfriend, Ted Mosby.", "Look...", "Of all the times over the\nyears when I've said to you", "\"Slow down! Don't rush\ninto things with this girl.\"", "you haven't listened to\nme a single damn time.", "Your heart is both drunk and a kid.", "Thanks for sticking up for me, man.\n- That's what I do.", "Can I... Can I tell you\nsome of the ideas I have?", "Yeah.", "And, kids, Marshall was right.", "I didn't give up on my dream house", "because that's the thing\nabout stupid decisions:", "We all make them.", "But time is funny.", "And sometimes a little magical...", "It can take a stupid decision...", "...and turn it into\nsomething else entirely.", "Because, kids, as you know,", "That house....", "is this house."], "How I Met Your Mother S05E21 Twin Beds": ["Kids, your aunt Robin had only\nbeen dating Don a short while,", "But one evening, out of nowhere...", "Robin? - Mm?\n- Do you wanna move in?", "Well, um it it... it's...", "Kind of soon, but...", "Sure, I would consider...", "moving in here, just let me think about it.", "No, I meant do you want to move in\non the couch so I can sit down.", "Yeah, that's what I meant too,", "Like I said, just let me think about it.\n- Ok.", "Yeah, I'm OK with that.\n- Okay.", "But, now that you mentioned it...", "Do you wanna move in?", "So what did you say?", "I'm considering it.\n- You're considering it?", "Yeah.\n- You barely know him.", "Plus the guy is a loser\nwith a dead end job.", "We have the same job, Barney.\n- And we couldn't be prouder of you, angel.", "Oh, sweetie, this does seem kind of fast.\n- I know.", "Well, maybe you're right.\n- Well, I think you should move in with him.", "You do?\n- Yeah.", "Yeah, I mean I...", "I see how happy you are and\nas much as I love you as roommate,", "I want you to do what's right for you.", "Are you trying to kick me out\nbecause of the milk thing?", "It's really annoying.", "Robin?", "No...", "I have a system. I put the empty carton\nback in the fridge to remind us to buy milk.", "Ok, why don't you leave a full carton\nto remind us we don't have to buy milk?", "Alright, alright.", "As your ex...", "Before you jump in to anything,", "I need to meet this guy.", "I think it's kind of weird\nI haven't met him yet.", "Totally weird, it's almost like someone\ncarefully orchestrated that way on purpose.", "Fine, but you have to promise to be\non your best behavior.", "I promise.", "So I'm banging this Portuguese\ncontortionist...", "And I swear...", "She is so flexible, at one point she was\non top of me and underneath me", "On top and down low!", "Who needs? Who needs?\n- I'm good.", "And that would be Barney,\n- He means well.", "Well actually, I'm not sure that's true.", "Well, I think he's awesome.", "But I'd feel bad for any woman with a kinda low\nself esteem to actually date a guy like that.", "And that's when I realized Robin\nnever told Don she had dated Barney.", "I like you, Don.", "We both love a good scotch, we\nboth enjoy my compelling stories", "And we both dated Robin.", "Now he knew.", "So Barney's your ex and\nyou still hang out with him?", "I gotta say I'm a little\nuncomfortable with that.", "Oh, don't be, it's like we never dated.", "Long story short, this exchange students arms gave out", "And we both fell *** over sex swing.", "Seriously, I have never been able to find\na girl who can do that position since Robin.", "Hey, Lily, Marshall, how was your\nweekend away or any other topic?", "Awful.\n- Terrible.", "Twin beds? I can't sleep in separate beds.", "We should go complain.", "Yeah, you're right, I'm gonna march\ndown there and demand another room.", "Yeah, I'll go with you and...", "Just a sec...", "House keeping!", "Could you come back a little later?\nWe're taking a little cat nap.", "It's time to check out.", "We slept for 18 hours.", "We missed 3 prepaid meals.\n- I lost 11 pounds.", "Hey, Ted, you think it's weird that\nRobin is still friends with Barney?", "I think it's weird that we're all\nstill friends with Barney.", "I just don't know how to feel about her\nhanging out with one of her exes all the time.", "And that's when I realized Robin had failed\nto tell Don about another one of her exes.", "Me.", "No, hanging out with one ex\nis fine, even 2 I'd give a pass.", "Hell, 2 might be even better than one.", "For some reason.", "Yeah, but if you were dating someone\nand he hung out with one of his exes...", "Wait, I'm sorry.", "He?\n- Yeah, he was friends with one of his exes.", "Wait, wait, wait, hold on.", "Do you think I'm gay?\n- Well...", "Yeah.\n- Why would you assume that?", "Hey.\n- Hey, your calligraphy teacher called...", "And?\n- And your ink is in.", "Yes.", "Hey, guys, just wanna make sure\nProject Runway is recording.", "Did the Jets get new costumes?", "Well, I guess we won't be having\ncreme brulee tonight,", "My browning torch is broken.", "You know, when I heard your roommate was\na single guy, I was a little jealous,", "But now that I know that he's gay...", "I'm OK.\n- Oh, but Ted's not....", "But we still got home made lady fingers", "And piping hot dog chilling(?)", "Thank you.", "Ted's not what?\n- Ted's not gonna be around a lot.", "He's following Cher on tour.", "Hey, don't get me wrong, Cher puts on\na hell of a show.", "But I am not gay.", "Hey, Lily, be honest.", "Is it weird that Robin hangs out\nwith one of her exes all the time?", "Well Ted and Robin broke up years ago.\nIt's a non issue.", "Ted?\n- And Robin?", "Not seeming so gay now, am I, Donnie?", "An Appletini for the gentleman.\n- Thank you.", "You dated Ted, too?", "Robin, of the four people you consider\nyour best friends in New York,", "you've slept with 50 percent of them.\n- Don...", "They're just my friends.", "Yes, but they're also your exes.", "And you live with one of them.", "Look, I'm sorry. I gotta, I gotta think\nabout all this,", "My God!", "She's 1000 degrees.", "It's like putting my leg against\na tail pipe.", "Ow!", "He's toe nails are like daggers.", "I'd love a sandwich.", "But no eating in bed.", "Stupid rule!", "We have ants one time...", "Great! And now he's falling asleep.", "Cue the river of drool.", "My knee itches.", "Just one little scratch.", "Marshall!", "You think we should get separate beds?\n- Yes, a mini fridge.", "And separate beds.", "Deal!", "Don!\n- Hi.", "I came to apologize to all of you.", "I overreacted.", "Well, we.. Owe you an apology too, Don.", "We've said some pretty hurtful things.", "No, you didn't.\n- Right, that was after you left.", "I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth\nin the first place.", "No, I acted like a total drama queen.\nThat's not offensive, right?", "Still not gay.", "Sorry. The point is you both are clearly\nvery important to Robin", "So why don't we all have dinner\ntomorrow night at my place?", "Oh, that's great.\n- Looking forward to it, buddy.", "Thanks.\n- You're welcome.", "Should we go?\n- Yeah, see you guys! - Bye.", "Ted.\n- Yeah.", "I must have Robin back.", "You're kidding, right?\n- No.", "I don't know what it is,\nbut I want Robin back.", "I know what it is... You're like...", "a little kid who throws a toy away", "And then wants it back the second\nanother kid starts playing with it.", "Well maybe I wasn't done playing with it.", "Maybe I just set it down cause I wanted\nto play with another stuff for a second.", "Okay. You're ready.", "Ready for what?", "To read the letter.", "Kids...", "The letter was a device I'd invented", "To remind myself why I'd broken up\nwith somebody.", "I've been doing it for years.", "Dear future Ted,", "Never get back with Karen\nbecause she's a pretentious snob.", "Oh, also she cheated on you.", "I'm sorry you had to find out this way.", "See? We're already laughing about it.", "Dear future Ted,", "Stay away from Natalie.", "Or any girl who can pin you to the ground", "and beat you senseless\nin front of a cheering crowd.", "P.S.", "Please consult a therapist about\nwhy that turned you on a little bit.", "Dear relationship genius", "Stella left you at the altar,", "You may never love again.", "And you'll probably die alone.", "Huh.", "It doesn't look so sad written\nin calligraphy.", "So when Barney and Robin broke up\nthe previous fall...", "Dating Robin was a huge mistake.", "Write that down.", "What?", "Write yourself a letter.", "That way, when you miss Robin,", "And you will, you can remind yourself\nwhy you broke up.", "Gladly.\n- Mhm.", "Dear... future... Barney...\n- Uuh.", "This ink is cool.", "Right? Right?", "You....", "and Robin were a terrible couple.", "You just didn't work.", "Sure, you'll always love Robin,", "But remember other women...", "More importantly...", "remember other boobs,", "and all that cool stuff\nyou can do with boobs...", "Nozzle, juggle, honka, honka...", "I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.", "And there's just a bunch of drawings\nof boobs.", "You get it now?\n- Yeah, I get it.", "I definitely want her back.", "I don't think human beings were ever\nmeant to sleep in the same bed.", "Somehow sex and sleep got jumbled together\nbut they're two different things.", "I know.", "I mean I love you, but I want this new bed", "To be a sanctuary for sleep and sleep alone.", "Me too. And some light snacking\nbut that's it.", "Hey, you know what we should get?", "We should get a third bed, just for sex.", "Oh, yes, a sex bed...", "A dirty, dirty, sex bed.", "Genius. That way each bed will have a specific purpose.", "Exactly. We'll have 2 sleep beds,\na sex bed,", "And I'm thinking a bean bag chair\njust for special birthday stuff.", "Baby...", "Can we just revolutionize modern marriage?\n- Damn straight.", "Hey!\n- Hey!", "Hey, guys. hey, Don.\nI hope you like sushi.", "How cool is that Don makes do sushi?\nHe learned while on assignment in Japan.", "Mmm. Ring wormalicious.", "Barney, be nice. You only want her\nbecause you can't have her.", "It's like if I said \"You can sit\nanywhere in this room except...", "that chair.\"", "Are you so petty that...\n- My chair! My chair!", "Oh, spicy tuna with halopania (?)?\nMy favorite.", "Mine too. I love spicy food.", "The hotter, the better.\n- I love spicy stuff too, guy.", "Probably more than you do.", "Suck it.", "Mmm.", "Super... hot.", "I'm not feeling good.", "Hey, Lily.", "You won't believe it. It's the craziest\nthing. Don has twin beds too,", "Oh my God! We just got twin beds.", "Oh, oh. Great. Great.", "Oh, wait. That \"great\" didn't\nsound so great.", "Well my ex wife and I thought\nit would be a good idea", "But we just started to drift apart.", "Yeah, but I bet you didn't have\nanother bed just for sex.", "No, but she did, at her\npersonal trainer's house.", "This chili is like an ice cube\nin my mouth.", "I will say this, though...", "I'm gonna get a king size bed if Robin\ndecides to move in.", "Oh, I'd like that.", "If I move in.\n- If you move in.", "Hey, hey, hey, Tokyo Don...", "You ever...", "Do this back in Japan?", "Wasabi!\n- Barney, don't!", "Oh, my God, Barney!\n- Aaah!", "Awesome!\n- Give him some milk.", "Spit it out, spit it out!\n- Oh, we're out of milk.", "But thanks for the reminder, Robin.", "Oh, you're sweet...", "Well, I hope you're happy.", "Hey, I stand by what I did.", "It was bold and romantic.", "You soiled yourself from\nboth ends of your body.", "Oh, come on. You have done\ntons of stupid stuff to impress Robin.", "Yeah, I did, but I don't anymore,\ncause I'm over her.", "Just like you are.\n- You are not over her.", "You want her back just as much as I do,\nyou just won't let yourself go there.", "That is ridiculous and I'll tell you why.", "For my biographer?", "Just, just focus on the letter, okay?", "Dear Ted, Robin is\nthe perfect girl for you", "but she doesn't want\nto be in a serious relationship.", "You need someone who wants to settle down.", "So until Robin is ready\nfor that next step,", "she's not your girl.", "Still, I'll always remember stealing her\nthe blue French horn,", "our first kiss, the look in her eye when she told me", "she loved me.", "Dammit. Now I want her back.", "So that night your uncle Barney and I\nsat down to have a calm, rational discussion", "about who deserved Robin more.", "No!\n- I stole her a blue French horn...", "dated her for a year.", "I wanted her to be the mother\nof my children", "and spend eternity in her arms.", "She... I....", "want to have sex with her\nat least one more time.", "She is mine.\n- She's not yours.", "And she is not mine either. She's...", "Don's.\n- Right.", "We gotta get rid of that guy.\n- Yeah.", "Yeah.\n- You know, figuratively.", "Of course.\n- Or literally.", "Oh my God, Ted, this is how it starts.", "This is how it starts. I'm scared, Teddy,\nI'm scared, Teddy.", "Two guys talking, two guys talking.\n- Okay.", "Okay.", "Marshall, I'm worried.\n- Why?", "I don't wanna get divorced.", "Oh, baby...", "Baby...", "That's Don. That's not us.", "Our new sleeping arrangement is only\ngonna bring us closer together.", "Now get out of my bed.", "Can we at least push them together?\n- Sure.", "Okay. - Oh, you meant the beds.\nI don't wanna do that.", "Why not?\n- Baby...", "I love you more than life itself.", "But you're a million degrees.", "Honestly, I'm surprised your hourly\npee breaks aren't just steam.", "Well, you're no picnic in bed either.", "Oh, except for the food and the ants. But...", "Well, I still want to be next to you.", "Why? So you can kick me and slap me\nall night?", "I swear to God, the second you fall asleep\nis like you grow extra limbs.", "It's like spooning\nwith a Hindu Didi Ganesh.", "Wanna push them together?", "We're still talking about the beds?\n- Nope. - Get over here.", "Robin Stinson.\n- Robin Mosby.", "Robin Stinson.\n- Ted Scherbatzky. I'll take her name.", "I don't care.\n- Okay. Wait.", "How about this? How about this?\nWe share her.", "I'll take her until she's forty\nand then you can have her after that.", "Who are we kidding, who are we kidding?\nShe's with Don now,", "We just have to accept that", "and move on.\n- You're right.", "I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to the bath...", "I'm gonna go to the bathroom.", "And then I'll skip out...", "Hello?", "Hey, Robin, it's Barndoor.", "Guess what. I'm open.", "Hey, Barndoor. Hang on.\nI'm getting another call.", "Hello?\n- Hey, Robin.", "Teddy bear. Need a little honey?", "No. Ted, hang on.\n- Okay.", "Hey, Barney, I...I'm gonna\nhave to call you back.", "Ted's on the other line and I...\nI think he's in trouble.", "Ted's calling you?\nOh, he's in trouble alright.", "Ted, what's up?", "You've pretty hair. That's what's up.", "And down your back.", "Well, we almost let\nthat get out of control.", "Agreed.", "I'm gonna get out of here\nbefore we do something we regret.", "Robin!", "Robin, I love you!", "You son of a bitch.\n- Robin!", "Robin!", "I brought you the blue French horn.", "I brought you the blue French horn, Robin!", "Ted is just holding it for me.\nSorry, buddy, I was there.", "Oh God, guys...What are you doing?", "Robin, I want you back!", "Hey, guys, why won't you come upstairs?", "Oh, hey!", "Alright! Don...", "Let's settle this!", "You, me and Ted.\n- Yeah, a 3-way.", "Look, guys, Robin and I have to do our show,\nso why don't you have a sit on the couch...", "Watch some television and we'll talk\nabout this when we get back, okay?", "Oh, you gave up easy. game, set...", "Match!", "Winner wins a chicken dinner....", "Where's...", "Where's this TV you've been\nbragging about?", "It's right here.", "Thanks.\n- You're welcome.", "Good night, boys.\n- Night night, papa.", "That was nice.\n- Yeah.", "Well, you got to go.", "What?", "Oh, I'm sorry.", "That was a blast. And you're great.", "I have to be up early, so...", "You're just kicking me out?", "You knew what this was.", "Lily, Lily, wait.", "Don't forget your sweatshirt.\nNice try.", "Teddy bear, Barndoor.\n- Papa?", "Rise and shine, jackasses.", "So do you guys remember\nanything from last night?", "Yeah...", "Boy, was Ted drunk. Embarrassing!", "I'm really sorry. We both are.", "We were drunk and stupid, but...", "We're gonna do anything we can to make\nsure that Don feels a part of the group.", "Don's not gonna be a part of the group.", "And neither am I.", "At least for a while.", "Guys, this thing with Don is real.", "And I wanna see where it goes.", "And I'll never be able to do that", "if I keep hanging our with\nmy ex-boyfriends all the time.", "It just won't work.", "I'm moving in with Don.", "* It should be boredom by now... *", "* I know the tricks... *", "So, what's going on with Robin?", "You were right. She was just mad.", "It's been four days and she hasn't said\nanother word about moving out", "But listen...", "We can never pull crap like that\never again.", "Agreed.", "In fact I even wrote myself\nanother letter.", "Dear future Barney,", "You think you want Robin back again\nbut you really don't.", "Let her go.", "Sincerely, past Barney.", "Let me see that.\n- Hey, hey, give it to me.", "P.S. That top part was just for Ted.\nDid he buy it? good.", "Now get back together with Robin,\nbut don't mention your plan to Ted", "cause he'll just screw it up again.", "And then there's more drawings of boobs.", "Okay, okay. In my defense,", "How great are boobs?\n- They're pretty great.", "They're pretty great.\n- So...", "* I go for it every time *", "Robin!", "* Just like a heavy drinker...*", "* I go for it every time...\nHook, line and sinker *"], "How I Met Your Mother S05E22 Robots vs. Wrestlers": ["Guess what I've got\nbehind my back.", "Wait, wait, wait,\nI got this one. Left.", "Wrong game. But correct.", "Five front-row tickets\nto Robots vs. Wrestlers.", "Robots vs. Wrestlers?", "That is awesome!", "You've heard of\nRobots vs. Wrestlers?", "Never. But we assume it's\nsome sort of sporting event", "That pits robots\nagainst wrestlers!", "That's exactly what it is,", "According to the Web site!", "Wait, wait, wait, wait.", "Who's the fifth ticket for?", "Uh... Robin.", "I know--", "She moved in with her boyfriend", "And said she doesn't want\nto hang out with us anymore,", "But this is Robots\nvs. Wrestlers.", "Robots...", "Vs. Wrestlers!", "Barney is right.", "It's impossible\nto say no to that.", "No to that.", "I wish I could, but I", "Have plans with don on Saturday.", "He's making me Chinese.", "I'll assume you're\ntalking about food,", "Otherwise, I have some\nfollow-up questions.", "Oh, I'm sorry, Lily,", "But I got to give this thing\nwith don a chance.", "And I can't do that if I'm out\ndrinking with you guys", "Every single night--\nespecially when \"you guys\"", "Includes two\nof my ex-boyfriends.", "I understand.\nYou're right.", "It's just we\nall really miss you.", "Aw, I miss you, too.", "Oh, listen, I got to go.\nTalk soon?", "Okay, bye.", "Sorry, New York,\nI had to take that.", "Now, where were we?", "Yeah. Yes. Bus crash.", "She said no?", "How could she say no?", "Robots vs. Wrestlers\nis our most important tradition", "As a group.", "Tradition? We've never\ndone this before?", "It's Robots vs. Wrestlers, Lily.", "How is that not\ngonna be a tradition?", "Well...", "This is how it starts.", "First Robin moves in with don,", "Then Marshall and Lily\nhave a baby,", "Then Ted...", "Gets married?", "I was gonna say,\n\"is found alone", "In his apartment\ndevoured by his cats,\"", "But either way, not pretty.", "Everyone's", "Leaving me,\nand I don't like it!", "Oh, Barney, you\ndon't have to worry", "About Marshall\nand me having kids.", "That's a long way\ndown the road.", "Exactly-- it's,\nuh, down the road,", "A medium way.", "A medium-long way.", "I mean, you can see it ahead.", "In the vast, vast distance.", "But you're already seeing\nexit signs for it.", "Really? I didn't see any.", "You might want to get\nin the right lane.", "I understand\nhow you feel, Barney.", "Friendships are important.", "In fact, Emerson wrote", "A great poem entitled\n\"friendship.\"", "You guys are gonna love this.", "\"a ruddy drop of manly blood,\nthe surging sea outweighs...\"", "That's how it had\nalways been for me with the gang", "Any time I tried to get\na little high-minded.", "You guys, you've got\nto try this syrah.", "Hints of creme de cassis,\nred berries,", "Toasty oak...", "Hmm.", "Five letters, blank baritone.", "Of course! Lyric baritone!", "Which is actually higher\nthan a dramatic baritone.", "You know, there's\na telling moment", "In the second act\nof la boh\u00c3\u00a8me...", "Guys, come on, I'm\njust trying to add", "A little class to\nthese proceedings.", "It's like that line", "From Dante's inferno.", "You were not born\nto live like brutes.\"", "\"but to follow virtue\nand knowledge\"\"", "Or...", "In the original Italian...", "You guys are right.", "I'm totally overreacting", "To this whole Robin thing.", "What's this envelope?\nIs this a wedding invitation?", "Robin's marrying don.\nI'm gonna die alone!", "Ted's gonna get eaten by cats!", "Dude,", "Relax-- it's for Marissa Heller.", "Marissa Heller?\nShe sounds hot.", "Face, boobs, describe.", "Start with boobs.", "Who was Marissa Heller?", "That mystery began\nwhen Marshall and I", "First moved in together.", "Ted! We got our\nfirst mail delivery!", "We are popular.", "We've got", "A golf magazine for...", "Marissa Heller,", "We've got a wicker\nfurniture catalog,", "Also for Marissa Heller,", "And...", "A coupon for a bird store...", "Addressed to Marissa Heller or--\nstay with me--", "\"current occupant.\"", "That's us!", "We've got mail!\nFantastic!", "Marissa Heller?", "She must be the woman\nwho lived here before us.", "I wonder what she was like.", "And just like that,", "A picture began\nto take shape...", "A picture of Marissa Heller,\nthe golfer...", "...Marissa Heller,\nthe wicker catalog shopper...", "Marissa Heller,\nthe bird owner.", "And since then, with each\npiece of mail we've gotten,", "The picture's become\na little clearer.", "The only thing", "We don't know is\nwhat she looks like.", "Well, I guess\nI'll forward this along", "Like I've been forwarding...", "Oh, just open it.\nOkay.", "It's an invitation\nto Jefferson van Smoot's", "Annual spring social\nthis Saturday night...", "In the penthouse apartment\nof the Alberta!", "You guys... That's the most\nbeautiful building in Manhattan!", "We-we got to go\nto this party.", "That depends-- does it say\nanything on that invitation", "About robots battling wrestlers\nfor intergalactic supremacy?", "No, but it says open bar.", "Revised agenda", "Free booze\nat Marissa Heller's party,", "Then Robots vs. Wrestlers.", "One of us just", "Needs to pretend\nto be Marissa Heller.", "guys, I'm flattered,", "But I think Lily should do it.", "So the big night arrived.", "Our first stop...", "The Alberta building.", "Wow! This building is amazing!", "Did you guys see\nthe Porte Cochere", "And the Terra-cotta\nspandrels outside?", "Oh, my God, look!", "I just got a text from Robin.", "It says...", "Okay, guys, huddle up.", "Now, Lil, you can do\nthis-- all you have to do", "Is look that guy in the eye,\nsay your name", "Is Marissa Heller,\nand we are golden.", "And again, just so\nwe're clear, no accent.", "Are we sure\nshe's not British, isn't it?", "No! No!\nNo!", "All right! Here I go.", "I'm doing it.", "Hi.\nHello.", "Ooh. Sorry.", "Go ahead.", "I'm here for\nthe van Smoot party.", "My name is Marissa Heller.", "Bollocks.", "So that's Marissa Heller.", "Huh.", "She fine.", "Her teeth look really nice.", "She must be remembering\nto go to the dentist", "Even without those\nreminder postcards.", "So, what are we doing?", "I'm getting us into\nthe party, that's what!", "Marissa Heller!", "Barney Stinson!", "We met at that gathering for...", "Bird owners.", "I don't think so.", "Wicker lovers?", "No.\nStinson out.", "Guys, it's not gonna happen.", "I got this.", "You know, this elevator\nstill uses the same mechanism", "From when it was first\ninstalled in 1906.", "Rumor is,", "Louis Lamar Skolnick,", "The architect who\ndesigned this building,", "Carved these panels himself.", "Oh, a Skolnick fan?", "Well...\nI love", "His juxtaposition between", "The north German\nrenaissance exterior...", "And the decidedly French\ninfluence on the inside! I know!", "He was an architect", "With the soul of a poet, really.", "No, no, no, don't, don't.", "It's working.\n- You know,", "I have a confession to make.", "We're not on the guest list,", "But... I've always wanted to see\nthe inside of the Alberta.", "Well, then right this way.", "We're all together.", "Told you I'd get us in.", "So...", "Anyone been watching\nthe young and the restless?", "awesome!", "Who ordered\nsoap opera illustrated?", "Huh. Marissa Heller,\nI like your style.", "Anyone?", "Am I to understand\nthat there isn't", "A single soap opera fan\nin this entire elevator, Hmm?", "I don't own a TV.", "The only operas I watch", "Are at the met.", "Dibs.", "Ah. Excuse me.", "Jefferson, darling.", "Wow, I am not dressed for this.", "One word, made up:", "\"douche-pocalypse\"\"", "Guys... That's\nPeter Bogdanovich", "Talking to Arianna Huffington\nand Will Shortz,", "Editor of the new\nYork times crossword!", "Look, let's give\nthis party a chance, okay?", "There's free food, free booze.", "20 minutes, then we can leave.", "But, you see,\nmusic was changing,", "And Giovanni Artusi\nsimply didn't understand", "The new style of composing.", "Excuse me, are you\ntalking about Monteverdi", "And his fourth book\nof madrigals?", "My dear chap, what else?", "That's my favorite\nbook of madrigals!", "Smoked Foie gras", "With caramelized mango\nand cr\u00c3\u00a8me fra\u00c3\u00aeche?", "Hey, uh, hey, guy,", "Do you have anything in the\nmini cheeseburger department?", "I don't think so, sir.", "No? Mini pizzas?\nLittle cups of fries?", "Any food at all that'll\nmake me feel like a giant?", "I'll check, sir.", "He's not gonna check.", "I'm performing\nopen-heart surgery", "On the dutch ambassador\nin the morning.", "I hope he pulls through.", "Really? A colleague of mine\njust prescribed cumadin", "To the dutch ambassador.", "And there's no way", "She'd be on anticoagulants", "If she were about\nto undergo surgery.", "Just...", "Okay?", "You know who published\na great article", "On Walt Whitman\nand the politics of semantics?", "Professor Hammersmith of Oxford.", "I am Professor Hammersmith.", "Wha...?!", "...Which is exactly what\ntruffaut was talking about", "In his 1954 article\nin Cahiers Du Cin\u00c3\u00a9ma.", "Film is an auteur's\nmedium, full stop.", "Movies...", "Right?", "Actors.", "Willem Dafoe.", "Funny thing\nabout Willem Dafoe--", "Uh, his name kind of\nsounds like a frog...", "Talking to a parrot.", "Willem.", "Defoe!", "Willem.", "Defoe!", "No?", "As undersecretary\nof the treasury,", "I had a big hand in crafting\nthat legislation.", "Now... I wonder", "If you'd like to join me\nin the map room", "And give my package\nsome stimulus.", "I'm afraid not, darling.", "You are too old for my taste.", "Okay, Zsa Zsa Gabor is still\nlooking pretty hot,", "But otherwise,", "This party sucks.", "Yeah, well, we\ngave it a chance.", "It's been 20 minutes.\nLet's get out of here.", "Where's Ted?\nYeah.", "I know how to find him.", "Just give me one...\nMm.", "Gongs, right?", "Uh, louder than you think.", "Young man, that gong\nis a 500-year-old relic", "That hasn't been struck\nsince W.S. Gilbert hit it", "At the London premiere\nof the Mikado in 1885.", "Wife is a 500 year relic that", "hasn't been struck since W.S. Gilbert  hit it", "at the London premiere\nof the Mikado in 1885.", "Guys, Will Schorz, editor\nof the Times' crossword.", "You know how I've been\nsaying they always use ulee", "From Ulee's gold\nbecause of the vowels?", "Well, tell 'em,\nwill. Tell 'em.", "It's because of the vowels.", "It's because of the vowels!", "Oh, wow. Ted, can I talk\nto you just for a second?", "Hey, will, ten-letter-word for\ndiminutive egg-based torte?", "Mini-quiche? Where?!", "Right there.", "Such a great party. Such a", "Great party! Yeah, totally, Ted.\nIt's time to go.", "It's Robots\nvs. Wrestlers o'clock.", "Oh.\nTed.", "There you are.", "We'll be blind taste-testing\nFrench whites in a bit.", "Should be a hoot and a half.", "Well, I decan't miss that.", "I know.\nYou don't have to say it.", "You don't decant white wine.", "Miss Lily in the living\nroom with the candlestick.", "Oh, my heavens, no!", "That was Edgar Allan Poe's!", "Sorry!", "Uh, guys, listen,\nI'm having fun here,", "So I think I'm gonna skip\nRobots vs. Wrestlers.", "But Ted, you've never missed\nRobots vs. Wrestlers!", "No! No! No! No!\nNo! No! No!", "No! No! No! No! No!", "Ted, this isn't happening.", "First Robin ditches us,\nand now you?", "And for these stuffy,\npretentious snoots?!", "Actually, I kind of like these\nstuffy, pretentious snoots.", "They don't make fart noises\nevery time I open my mouth.", "Now, look, I'm going to stay.", "I'll see you guys tomorrow.\n- Yeah.", "Come on, Barney.\nIt's just one night.", "It doesn't mean anything.", "Oh, it means everything.", "Ted, if you don't come\nto Robots vs. Wrestlers,", "It's the end of our friendship.", "I'll see you guys tomorrow.", "Fine. Then you are out\nof our gang forever.", "You can reapply in two years.", "Marshall, Lily,", "Let's go watch", "Wrestlers fight robots.", "So embarrassing.", "I forgot something.", "So Ted, where did those chums\nof yours scoot off to?", "Oh, you know.", "Poetry reading.", "Best tradition ever!", "Don't humor me, Marshall.", "Let's face it.", "The gang is over.", "Ted's gone. Robin's gone.", "We might as well just go\nour separate ways.", "God, Barney, enough\nwith t a abandonment issues.", "Ted's allowed to have a life\noutside of the group.", "We all are.", "Wait a minute.", "Why are you saying that\nall of a sudden?", "Oh, God, you're pregnant!", "No.", "Oh, God, you\nalready had the baby!", "It's right behind me, isn't it?", "No, you idiot.", "It's just, eventually,\nwe're all gonna move on.", "It's called growing up.", "Is that all you got, bitch?", "But can you at least promise me", "That you won't get pregnant\nfor another year?", "I can't make that promise.", "You can't?!\nYou can't?!", "Hmm?", "Citrus and honeycomb flavors\nwith crisp acidity.", "It's a sauv blanc, Loire valley.", "Town of Sancerre.", "Ah. Correct again!", "Bravo, boy!", "No! You can't\nhave kids!", "You don't want to bring a child", "Into this crazy,\nmessed-up world.", "I don't know.", "The world seems pretty awesome\nright now, Barney.", "Okay, Lily,\nyou leave me no choice.", "If you have a daughter, the day,", "Nay, the minute she turns 18...", "Gong!\nOh, my God!", "Hey, but Lily.", "Lily... Babies.", "Oh!", "I hope\nTed is miserable right now.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa constance fry,\nconstance fry \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa anytime you'd call \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa constance would fulfill\nyour needs \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa winter, spring \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa or fall. \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Ted, your lyric baritone\nis outstanding.", "Thank you, Will Shortz.", "Fine, you guys can have a baby,", "1) you promise to always\nlove me more than the baby;", "2) once a month, I get to use\nthe baby to pick up chicks;", "3) that may involve\nthe baby falling", "From a two-story window\nand me heroically catching it;", "4) no breastfeeding\nin front of me;", "5) forget about four.", "You can whip them out\nwhenever you want.", "And then, something\namazing happened.", "Holy crap!", "I don't believe it.", "Well, of course, hell is an\ninteresting concept, isn't it?", "I've always loved to imagine it", "As Dante did in\nthe divine comedy.", "If you'll allow me.", "In the original Italian.", "I cannot believe this.", "I'm reciting\nthe divine comedy", "In its original Italian,", "And nobody's making\nfart noises!", "Wow, this is weird.", "Never gotten this far.", "You know, I actually sound\nkind of douchey.", "My God, I'm out of control!", "Listen to me.\nI'm completely unleashed.", "I'm the biggest douche\non the planet.", "Ugh! I wish\nsomebody would stop me.", "And then, somebody did.", "Kids, I think I told you\nhow earlier that year,", "We had seen some doppelgangers\nof ourselves around town.", "There was lesbian Robin.", "There was moustache Marshall.", "And, of course, stripper Lily.", "Well, that night,", "One more doppelganger\nsurfaced--", "Mexican wrestler Ted.", "Soy el conquistador\nde las m\u00c3\u00a1quinas!", "Oh!", "Oh!", "I got to go.", "Rule number 83.", "If anything\nthat comes out of that baby", "Gets on one of my suits,\nI get to touch Lily's boobs.", "Dude, what is it with you\nand my wife's boobs tonight?", "Hey, hey,\nI don't make the rules.", "Baby, are you really starting\nto think about this?", "I don't know.", "Maybe a little.", "Okay.", "Well, for whatever it's worth,\nI think that we're ready.", "I mean, look,", "We love each other,", "We're financially stable,\nand honestly, I don't think", "It would change our lifestyle\nall that much.", "Aunt Lily still likes", "To remind Uncle Marshall\nhe once said this.", "Marshall, if we were at home\nwith a baby tonight,", "We never would have seen\nTed's doppelganger.", "Imagine missing that.", "How would that feel?", "I would blame that child\nfor the rest of his life.", "Exactly.\nFor the rest of her life.", "Okay, you're right.", "There's, there's no hurry.", "Okay, how about this?", "We agree there's no sense\nin having a baby", "Until we've seen\nall five doppelgangers, right?", "Of course. Stands to reason.", "Okay, so when we finally see\nBarney's doppelganger,", "That's the universe\ntelling us it's go time.", "And that's when\nwe'll start trying. Deal?", "Deal.", "Hey, guys.\nHey.", "Well, well, look who thinks", "He can just waltz in here", "And be part of the gang again.", "Well, you can forget it.", "Listen, Barney, I...", "Please be part\nof the gang again!", "I don't want\nto lose anyone else!", "We're all really sorry.", "We'll even let you recite\nall the douchey poems you want,", "And we'll never, never say\na bad thing about it, I promise.", "Really? Because", "There actually is a poem\nI'd like to recite--", "\"friendship\" by\nRalph Waldo Emerson.", "\"a ruddy drop of manly blood,\nthe surging sea outweighs.", "The world uncertain\ncomes and goes..\"\"", "I'm sorry.\nSomeone had to do that.", "Who wants another drink?\nI'm buying.", "Kids, I'd love to\ntell you that over e e years,", "We didn't all drift apart\na little", "At one time or another.", "You don't mean\nfor it to happen, but it does.", "But no matter what,\nto this day,", "Come hell or high water,", "We still all get together\nevery year", "For Robots vs. Wrestlers.", "Good night! Thanks a lot.\nI had a great time.", "Willem.", "Dafoe!", "Willem.", "Dafoe!", "Willem.", "Dafoe!"], "How I Met Your Mother S05E23 The Wedding Bride": ["Kids, when you're\nin your 2os dating is great,", "but by the time you reach your\n3os, you find out pretty fast", "everyone has baggage.", "Sure, you can stick\nto the small talk", "and pretend it's not there,\nbut sooner or later...", "It's my ex.", "Sorry. We're trying\nto remain friends.", "Hi, pumpkin!", "Did you get our\ntickets to Maui?", "Yeah, it's there.", "That spring I just started dating\na girl named Royce.", "She was smart, beautiful...", "Blah-blah-blah,\nwe're very happy together.", "But...", "Exactly.\nThat's the problem.", "Her butt?", "What is it, too much?\nToo little?", "Or is it an issue of access?", "No, the \"but\" is, there's\nalways gonna be a \"but.\"", "No matter how great things\nare going,", "sooner or later,\nit's gonna get ruined.", "When she turns 30.", "When I find out\nwhat her baggage is.", "It's there.\nI don't know what it is,", "but when I do, party's over.", "Whoa. Ted,\nplease tell me", "you are not impugning\nemotional baggage.", "Baggage is a good thing?", "Emotional baggage\nis the bedrock", "of America's most important\ncultural export.", "Porn.", "Actually, it's porn.", "Only women with major baggage", "go into porn.", "Major Baggage.", "Ted, everyone has baggage.", "You just got to look past it.", "Really? 'Cause the last time\nI looked past a girl's baggage,", "that baggage belonged\nto a girl named Stella,", "and, oh, I'm drawing\na blank here.", "How did that work out again?", "Here's how it worked out.\nMarry me.", "I asked her to marry me.\nShe said yes.", "We were happy. But then the day\nof the wedding,", "her karate instructor", "ex-boyfriend Tony Grafanello\nshowed up,", "declared his love for her,", "and Stella ran off with him\nto California,", "leaving me utterly and\ncompletely heartbroken.", "Ted, look,", "what happened with\nStella was awful,", "but that doesn't mean", "anyone with baggage\nis undateable.", "Well, I'm just glad\nthat we met young enough", "that I don't have any baggage.", "Mother issues.\nI do not.", "Grandmother issues.\nDefinitely do not.", "Great-grandmother issues.\nI just don't like it when she picks me up.", "And you know what\nyour biggest baggage is?", "You're too nice.", "How is being nice baggage?", "Have you ever seen you\nwalk down the street?", "I don't even know\nhow to answer hat.", "Well, let me help you out.", "Michael!", "Javier, Marcello!", "Susanne.", "Hey, Deng, let me\nhelp you with that.", "That ought to do it.", "Oh, guys, no.\nI could not today.", "It would just be...", "That's normal.", "There is only one street\nwhere that is normal.", "Here's a hint:", "A giant yellow bird\nlives on it.", "Well, I'll be pretty happy", "if Royce's only baggage is\nthat she's too nice.", "Too nice?\nThat is the worst kind of baggage.", "Best baggage:\nHates her dad", "and thinks she's\nfat, but isn't.", "Angry sex on the first date,", "and then as soon as\nyou mention breakfast,", "she's gone.", "Why do guys hang out with me?", "That night on\nmy date with Royce,", "I kept waiting to see\nwhat her baggage would be.", "So, is spaghetti\nyour specialty?", "Uh, no. The main event\nis my pancakes.", "I'll make 'em for you sometime.\nThey are insane.", "My dad used to make\nmultigrain pancakes.", "He's the one who got\nme working in porn.", "You know PORN?", "\"Parents Offering\nRecognition and Nutrition\"?", "It's a charity\nfor inner-city teens", "who don't have access to\nsports or healthy food.", "That reminds me...", "I killed my brother...", "With this joke\nI told him last night.", "A barber, a stripper\nand a Jew...", "...lliard-trained violinist\nwalk into a bar.", "I looked and looked and looked,\nbut it really appeared", "as though there was no baggage\nto worry about...", "until we went\nto go see a movie.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Oh, no.", "Hey, what took you guys so long?", "Nothing.\nForget about it.", "We were on our way here,", "and Marshall wanted", "to stop and help some guys load\ntheir moving van.", "To be nice.\nIt didn't cost nothing.", "D when the moving van\ndrove away,", "who should show up\nbut the owner of the apartment", "we had just helped\nsome guys rob.", "And that one was hard\nto explain to the police.", "See, Marshall?", "This is what I mean.", "You can't treat New York City\nlike it's the small, friendly,", "crime-free, inbred, backwoods,", "Podunk, cow-tipping, Minnesota\nHickville where you grew up.", "Crime-free?", "Yeah.", "Crime-free? In 1994,", "the cashier from the feed store\nwas held up at hoepoint.", "And besides,", "I like being friendly, okay?", "I'm not gonna change that\nabout myself.", "No, don't change, baby.", "I think it's sweet.", "Sweet, sweet.", "Sweet mother of God,\nhe's an idiot sometimes.", "He actually lent the burglars\ngas money.", "He gave them money?", "Not gave, lent.", "They said that they would\nsend us a check,", "so Marshall gave them\nour address.", "What's to stop them", "from coming\nto our apartment one night", "and maybe tying me up?", "I mean, sure,\nMarshall and I like to pretend,", "but the reality is scary.", "Why don't you say something\nto him?", "What's the point?", "He's from Minnesota.", "His high school mascot\nwas a hug.", "Hey, guys.\nHey!", "How'd the date with Royce go?", "It was interesting.\nWe went to see", "that new movie\nThe Wedding Bride.", "Oh, how was it?!", "Not that I care.\nI mean, that's a chick flick.", "This one'll probably drag me\nto it,", "like, the 7:10 show\ntomorrow night or 9:40 because", "I have that meeting.", "But I can probably get o of it,", "so let's try for the 7:10.", "What's that\nmovie about, anyway?", "That's the interesting part.", "Hey, bonehead,", "I'm Jed Mosely!", "I'm the most powerful", "and corrupt architect\nin New York.", "I want...", "It's about me.", "The Wedding Bride is about you?", "Yeah.", "Okay, are you sure\nit's about you?", "Because when I saw Spaceballs\nfor the first time,", "I could have sworn...", "This movie is\nabout me, Marshall.", "It was written\nby Tony Grafanello.", "Tony Grafanello?\nThat's the...", "Yeah, the guy\nthat Stella left me for.", "This movie is the", "whole story of our breakup.", "Why would he write\na movie about that?", "Isn't he the bad guy\nin that story?", "Yeah, and the good guy is a guy\nnamed Ted Mosby.", "Funny, that was my\nmemory of it, too.", "But according to the movie...", "Mr.\nMosley, your fianc\u00c3\u00a9 is here.", "Great, the old ball and chain.", "I can't wait to make her move\nout of her beautiful house", "in New Jersey and come live with\nme in an apartment above a bar.", "Send her in!", "Ah!", "Stella, to what do I owe\nthe pleasure?", "We're supposed to taste wedding\ncakes this afternoon, remember?", "Ouch!", "No-can-do's-ville, baby doll.", "Whoa!", "Aw...", "Well, I am stunned.\nRight?", "That's what passes for comedy\nthese days?", "\"Whoa, I'm falling back\nin my chair!", "Whoa!\"", "Whoa. I'm really falling back\nin my chair.", "Oh, baby!", "Okay, that was pretty funny.", "What a jerk.", "Did he at least get\nsomeone hot to play me?", "You're not in it.", "What a jerk!", "No. No, no, no,", "Tony's not a jerk.", "Not according\nto the movie, anyway.", "I'm going through\nwith this wedding.", "I'm sorry, Tony.", "Stella, your happiness is\nthe only thing I care about,", "except for these underprivileged\nchildren", "that I work with for free.", "Aw...!", "I love him.", "It's not that easy, Tony.", "Jed Mosely may not be\nas handsome as you are,", "as...", "Tall as you are...", "I'm taller than that guy.", "...and our sex life is terrible.", "Once, he even fell asleep", "while we were doing it.\nI mean...", "It was one time.", "I was on cold medicine!", "What?\nNothing.", "This is a terrible movie!", "And it got everything wrong!", "Re-Remember how I proposed\nto Stella?", "That spontaneous moment\nin the arcade;", "I didn't have a ring,", "so I gave her a toy I won\nfrom a crane machine?", "Oh, that was so sweet.", "So romantic.", "A little cheesy.", "Well, here's how it went", "Look, if it'll shut you up,\nI guess we can get married.", "Aren't you gonna give me a ring?", "No-can-do's-ville, baby doll.", "Here, put is on your finger.", "Hey!", "And remember\nthe two-minute date?", "When I squeezed an entire\nromantic evening", "into just two minutes", "to accommodate\nStella's busy schedule?", "Oh, Ted,\nyou're such a good guy.", "That was really nice.", "Also a little cheesy.", "Well, according to the movie...", "What about our big\nromantic weekend?", "No-can-do's-ville, baby doll.", "Alls I got time for is\na two-minute date,", "if you know\nwhat I mean. Sex!", "Whoa!", "Aw...!", "Hey, if you know\nwhat you're doing,", "two minutes is all you need.", "Run tell DAT.", "But the worst,\nthe worst was the ending.", "So they're at the wedding...", "Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosely", "to be\nyour lawfully wedded husband?", "I...", "Whoa-oh! Spoilers!", "Is what, is what I would say", "if ever plan on seeing\nsuch an awful film!", "Continue.", "So they're at the wedding...", "I...", "Stella!", "Tony!", "Tony?!", "Something I need to say.", "A long time ago,", "I let this beautiful girl\nnamed Stella", "get away.", "And now she's with", "some jerk\nwho doesn't appreciate", "what he has in this\nbeautiful wedding bride.", "Aw...!", "What is wrong with you people?!", "You can't talk to me like that!", "I'm Ted Mosely!", "Did he say \"Ted\" that time?\nShh!", "Stella, I promised\nto make you my wife.", "And I'd like to live up\nto that promise.", "Oh, Tony, all I've wanted\nall my life was your love.", "Oh, go on, honey, kiss him.", "Kiss him! Kiss him!", "Stella, if you still\ntruly love me...", "Kiss him! Kiss him!", "Will you let me make you\nmy wedding bride?", "Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!", "Can-do's-ville, baby doll.", "No, no, no!", "Stop doing that!", "Daddy!", "Take that, Ted Mosby!", "Okay, he definitely\nsaid it that time.", "Oh, my God!", "That was so good!", "I'm laughing, I'm crying.", "I... I know\nit's all fake,", "but didn't those seem\nlike real characters?", "It was just so real!", "Hey, how come\nyou said, \"Oh, no\"", "when the movie started?", "That's when I realized\neveryone has baggage...", "including me.", "Oh, uh, no reason.", "Ted, I think you need\nto tell Royce the story", "of what happened\nwith you and Stella.", "It-it's gonna come out\neventually.", "Why? Why does it\neven have to?", "Well, for starters,", "it's now the fifth\nhighest grossing movie", "of all time.", "I don't care.\nI don't care.", "I'm taking this to the grave.", "It's a stupid movie anyway!", "Sounds terrible.\nI would never go", "see that film because\nI support you and I love you.", "Kids, you know\nwhere this is going.", "Well, she's made her choice.", "Don't worry.", "I won't go to the wedding.", "Oh, you'll go all right!", "I'm gonna drive you there myself\nand make you watch!", "Billy, no!", "The code.", "This is exactly how it happened.", "He got every part right.", "Even the thing\nwith the nunchucks.", "So I was resolved\nto put The Wedding Bride", "as far behind me as possible.", "Unfortunately...", "Oh, how great was\nThe Wedding Bride?", "Oh! Loved it!\nLoved it, loved it, loved it!", "We're going to see it again tomorrow.\nOh, can we come?", "Ted, you want to see it\nagain, right?", "Yeah, it was good.", "\"Good\"?\nTry instant classic!", "The only thing wrong\nwith it--", "and I mean, it's such\na minor flaw", "in an otherwise\nflawless film--", "is, I just didn't get\nwhy Stella would even want", "to marry a guy like Jed Mosely\nin the first place.", "I mean, even that guy's\nname: Jed Mosely....", "Come on, Royce.\nYou've dated", "a few Jed Moselys in your day.", "Well, okay, but who hasn't?", "He's such a type;\nThe butterfly tattoo,", "the way he pronounces\nencyclopedia.", "Ugh!", "Encyclo-pay-dia.", "Totally, totally.\nWell, technically,", "that is the correct\npronunciation.", "I was so, so happy", "when that loser got left\nat the altar.", "And you know why?\nBecause he had it coming. Mm-hmm.", "And the great part is, he is\ngonna live a long, sad life,", "knowing that he lost\nhis only chance at happiness.", "Oh, and what about when he\ngot beat up by the goat?!", "So funny!", "What a loser!\nTotally.", "Totally!", "I mean, the guy's\nlife was shattered", "in a very public humiliation.", "What a hoot!", "It may be years before he can look", "certain family members\nin the eye again.", "He may be so emotionally traumatized,", "he never fully loves or trusts\nanyone ever again.", "It was hysterical!", "Move over, Adolf Hitler,", "there's a new king\nof comedy, right?", "Ted, are you okay?", "No, I just think you all might be interested\nto learn something", "about that movie you all love so much.", "It sucks...", "And you're all stupid\nfor liking it.", "Wow. That was really mean and", "I think you owe us an apology.", "No-can-do's-ville, baby doll...", "No-can-do's-ville...", "You said, \"No-can-do's-\nville, baby doll\"?", "You actually used\nJed Mosely's catchphrase?", "I know! I was just\nso upset that they...", "How do you know\nthat's his catchphrase?", "You dragged me into it. I didn't wanna go.\nI wanted to see Avatar.", "That's it. I'm just gonna move\nto some country", "where no one's seen\nThe Wedding Bride.", "Good luck, Ted.", "That movie is worldwide.\nIt's huge.", "Maybe North Korea?", "Nope. I read\nthat Kim Jong IL said", "it's his second favorite movie\nof all time.", "Right behind a movie of him\nriding a horse in slow motion", "Sorry, Ted.\nYou're screwed.", "No, Ted, you know what, no,\nTed is not screwed.", "Do you guys want to know\nwhy I'm nice to everyone?", "It's because I don't care bout baggage.", "I mean, most people, they see\nanother person walking down the street", "with that big heavy bag\nthey're carrying,", "and they just walk on by.\nBut not me.", "I look at them and I say,\nI say, \"Howdy, stranger.", "Can I give you a hand\nwith that?\"", "And you know who taught me\nto be that way?", "A guy called Ted Mosby.", "A guy who's uncynical and sincere", "and believed in things.\nAnd you know what, Ted?", "I believe that deep down,", "you're still that guy.", "I am still that guy.", "I think you want to go out there\nand get that girl.", "I want to get out there and get that girl.", "Because she's the love of your life.\n- Because she's...", "Oh, well, we're three dates in.\nShe seems nice.", "Because she seems nice!", "She does seem nice!", "You're right, Marshall.", "I gotta go get her.", "And I know exactly where she is.", "The wedding's in 15 minutes.", "I'll never make it!", "You can do it, Sensei.", "Go get love a house round kick.", "Right in the heart.", "You're right. What am I doing?!", "There's still time!", "Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosely", "To be your lawfully wedded husband,", "I...", "Royce!\n- Stella!", "Ted?!\n- Tony?", "Tony?\n- Ted?", "Barney?", "Look, there's something I need to say.", "A long time ago,\nA long time ago,", "I let this beautiful girl Stella\nI let a horrible girl named Stella", "Break my heart...\nGet away...", "And now she's with this jerk", "who wrote a movie about it\nand that movie is called...", "The Wedding Bride.", "What are you saying?\nYou can't talk to me like that!", "I'm Jed Mosely!\nI'm Ted Mosely!", "But Royce, this dufus in the red\ncowboy boots, this isn't me.", "So, just to be clear,\nare you saying you that", "you don't have a pair of red\ncowboy boots in your closet?", "Barney what are you...\n- I just wanted...", "They're actually more\nof a burgundy.", "Royce, I promised\nStella, I promised", "to make you some pancakes.\nTo make you my wife.", "And I'd like to\nlive up to that promise.", "Ted, all I've wanted all my\nlife Ted, all I've wanted all week", "...was your love.\n...was some pancakes.", "Oh, go on, honey, kiss him!", "Kiss him.", "Kiss him, kiss him,", "Um, Uncle Barney didn't say \"kiss\".", "Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him,", "Still not saying \"kiss.\"", "Kiss him!", "Sir, you need to leave, now.", "This is outrageous.\nWho the kiss are you?", "Royce, if you still...", "If you still truly love me...", "...kind of like me...", "...can you let me make you", "My wedding bride?\n- Can you let me make you some pancakes?", "Can-do's-ville, babydoll.", "Daddy! Kiss this!\nKissin' movie's over anyway.", "Sir...\nOh. Oops. Oops.", "Hey, um...", "...that stuff\nthat happened to me,", "it was pretty rough.", "I'm, uh, I'm still\ngetting over it.", "Let me help you with that.", "And just like that, kids,", "My baggage didn't seem quite\nso heavy anymore.", "You see, everyone's\ngot some baggage--", "it's part of life--\nbut like anything else,", "it's easier when someone\ngives you a hand with it.", "Wow, it feels so good to have told you\nall that stuff about me.", "I'm really glad I can open up to you.", "Ted, it's not\nthat big of a deal.", "Heck, I've been\nleft at the altar.", "Three times.", "The last time was because I blew\nall our money on online poker.", "That's why I live\nwith my brother now.", "Wait, I... I thought you said\nyou had a tiny studio apartment.", "Just the two of us,", "You should see how he hogs the covers.", "Yeah, you gotta go."], "How I Met Your Mother S05E24 Doppelgangers": ["Kids, up to\nthis point in the story,", "we had found doppelgangers.--", "Eerie but awesome look-alikes", "for four of the five members\nof our little group.", "There was Lesbian Robin...", "Mustache Marshall...", "Stripper Lily...", "and Mexican Wrestler Me.", "Yes, mine was the coolest.", "And so we were all eager", "to find The Fifth Doppelganger:\nBarney's.", "Turned out,\nit was more important", "to some of us than others.", "We agree there's no sense\nin having a baby", "until we've seen\nall five doppelgangers, right?", "Yeah, of course.\nStands to reason.", "Okay, so, when we finally see\nBarney's doppelganger,", "that's the universe\ntelling us it's go time.", "And that's when\nwe'll start trying.", "Deal?", "Deal.", "And then one day,\na few weeks later...", "Baby, were we serious about", "the whole Fifth\nDoppelganger thing?", "I mean, having a baby\nis a pretty big thing", "to leave up to the universe.", "Yeah, I know it's crazy.", "It's just so much easier\nto let the universe decide.", "Why do you ask?", "Boom!", "Universed!", "Oh, my God!", "Wait, wait, wait, hold on.", "That could easily be Barney", "pulling some scam\nto meet chicks.", "I'm one step ahead of you.", "Go for Barney.", "Barney, hey.\nIt's Marshall.", "So you are at work?", "You're not--\nI don't know--", "driving a cab, wearing a wig.", "Yes, I'm at work.", "That's the sound of my stapler.", "That's the sound\nof my three-hole punch.", "And this is the sound\nof me filing", "my corporate guidelines\non sexual harassment.", "What is up?!", "Got to go, Big Chief.", "Barney's at work.", "That-that was The\nFifth Doppelganger.", "Marshall Eriksen...", "put a baby in my belly.", "I can't wait to tell the gang.", "This is one of those moments\nyou dream about.", "\"Guys...", "\"Lily and I...", "are having unprotected sex.\"", "Ooh, I just got the chills.", "We're not gonna say anything.", "What? Why?", "Marshall, if we tell them,", "we're basically\ninviting them into", "the most private,\nintimate moment of our lives.", "You guys banging?", "Keep going; I'm\nnot even here.", "But just for the record,", "having a baby: huge mistake.", "Now, show me what you got.", "Uncle Teddy's here!", "Quick question:\nHow you guys gonna handle", "the whole Santa thing?", "I'm thinking, just be honest.", "Ah, hell. I'll dress up.", "This just in...", "is what Marshall Eriksen\nis about to say to his wife", "as he attempts\nto impregnate her.", "Chopper 12 is live on the scene\nwith \"Baby Watch: 2010.\"", "Okay, fine. I won't tell anybody\nabout the baby thing.", "Hey, guys.", "Hey.\nGuys...", "We saw The Fifth Doppelganger!", "Whoa!", "Amazing!\nThat is awesome!", "Mm-hmm.\nOoh, freaky.", "A brunette Barney.", "I know.", "Say what you will\nabout the guy,", "but Barney seems right\nas a blond.", "Well, that's true.\nNot every dude", "can pull that off\nthe blond look.", "I don't know about that.", "What?", "Oh, that summer\nI was lifeguarding", "at the Chagrin Falls\nCountry Club,", "I was lathering a little\nlemon juice into the old mop,", "playing with some\nnatural highlights.", "Let's just say there were a few", "senior citizens who pretended\nto drown on my watch.", "And sadly, one who did.", "Anyway,", "I'd look good blond.", "Okay, people,\nwe're in a delicate", "but very, very promising\nsituation here.", "If we play the\nnext 30 seconds right,", "Ted will dye his hair blond.", "Guys, this is mean.", "We can't--\nuhp, just pictured it.", "How do we do this?", "What are we all thinking about?", "Nachos?", "Ted Mosby responds to", "one thing above all else.", "I don't know, I'm still", "kind of full from lunch.", "A bunch of people emphatically", "telling him\nnot to do something.", "Follow my lead.", "Ah, screw it, I could eat.", "Yes, we'd all like", "some nachos.", "I love you, buddy, but\nthere's absolutely no way", "that you could pull off blond.", "It-it just wouldn't\nlook right.", "Yeah, seriously, Ted,\ndon't go blond.", "I'm going blond!", "No!\nNo!", "That is not the outcome", "we were hoping for!", "Now, kids, Robin and Don", "were becoming\nsuch a great team, both off", "and on the air, that local\nChannel 12 started asking them", "to guest-host some of\ntheir other top-notch programs.", "So, that's why Monty and I\nvow never to do drugs.", "Because drugs are bad.", "Right, Monty?", "We, sure,", "man-made\nchemical stuff.", "But things that grow in nature--", "they're okay to try,\nlike, once or twice.", "Not looking for\ngray areas here, Monty.", "I don't think it's right\nto lie to the kids, Moo-Moo.", "So... what are you saying?", "I've experimented with drugs.", "Fun fact: highest-rated", "Monty and Moo-Moo episode ever.", "Mmm.", "Hmm, what was that for?", "Before I met you, I'd\ngiven up on everything.", "Relationships, career, pants.", "But you made me\nwant to try again.", "I love you for that.", "Oh. Huh?", "Ooh.", "Oh, I see.", "Mmm.", "Hi. Hey, hi.", "Sorry.", "Um, you don't know me,", "but I just wanted\nto say thank you.", "You're actually a very\nimportant person in my life.", "Important?", "More like legendary.", "Marshall, it's me!", "Barney!", "Oddly enough,\nthis would rank as only", "the second biggest surprise\nof the day.", "Wow, this is just very sudden.", "Sure, I can get you\nan answer by tomorrow.", "Okay.", "Thanks.", "Ted, something big\nhas just happened,", "and you're the most\nsensible person I know.", "I need to talk to you right now.", "You know what, it can wait.", "No, go ahead. I'm listening.", "Okay, well,", "the executive producer from WNKW", "happened to see our\nshow the other morning", "and loved me.", "They offered me the lead\nanchor job, starting next week.", "Wow, that's great!", "It is great.", "But, um, here's the catch.", "WNKW is in...", "H-Helen, kill the dryer!", "Is in Chicago.", "But you were\nThe Fifth Doppelganger.", "How-how can you be you?", "I called you, Barney;\nWe had a whole conversation!", "Ah, yes, I know what happened.", "See, people at work have", "this very strange expectation\nthat I, well, work.", "I know, I know.", "So to make my colleagues think\nI'm busting my hump", "when I'm really out humping\nbusty chicks,", "I decided to record\na special message.", "What is up?!", "Got to go, Big Chief.", "How can it be a recording?", "You called me Big Chief,\nmy special workplace nickname.", "Oh, buddy.", "Hey, hey.", "Come on, Big Chief.", "Don't.", "Just don't.", "Why does this have\nto happen now?", "I mean, just when things are\ngoing so great with Don.", "It's the never-ending battle", "of my life:\nCareer versus romance.", "\"Never-ending battle\"?", "Career has been\ntrouncing romance for years.", "It's like the Globetrotters", "versus the Generals.", "Career's sinking hook shots\nfrom half court,", "Romance is just\na bunch of slow white guys", "who couldn't make it\nin the Italian league.", "Ted, I'm lost.", "What should I do?", "Okay, you seriously need\nto talk to Don about this.", "I'm just too confused\nto put this on Don.", "I need to leave him out of it\nuntil I figure out what I want.", "That makes sense.\nYeah.", "And I'm sorry I can't give you\nbetter advice on this.", "The truth is,\nit's impossible for me", "to be objective\nabout you moving away.", "Mm. Did you get a manicure?", "No, I didn't get a...", "He sure did.", "Flo!", "Why are you brunette\nand driving a cab?", "Oh, that.", "You know how\nit's my dream to have sex", "with at least one woman from\nevery country on the planet?", "Sure.", "Wow.", "You're doing surprisingly well", "in the Baltics.\nMm-hmm.", "So, I figure,", "what's the quickest way", "to get around the world\nin 180 lays?", "Lease a cab and wait outside\nthe U.N. building", "for hot foreign chicks.", "It was the perfect plan.", "There was only one small detail\nI didn't take into account.", "Chicks don't want\nto bang cab drivers.", "Chicks do not want\nto bang cab drivers!", "And I put a lot of\nwork into this one.", "I can't believe this.", "Now I got to tell Lily The Fifth\nDoppelganger is a fake.", "So? What does she care?", "Lily decided that once\nwe spotted your doppelganger,", "we'd start trying to have kids.", "Kids?! No!", "Uh-uh!", "The rule is: no kids\nuntil you're at least 45!", "Do you ever read my blog?!", "It's gotten a lot better.", "I'm ready to be a dad, you know?", "But Lily needs some sign\nfrom the universe.", "And now it could be years.", "I'm sorry, buddy.", "That'll be $37.50.", "So that night,", "Marshall went home\nto break the bad news to Lily.", "The universe has spoken.", "Marshall Eriksen,\nlet's make a baby.", "I...", "Okay.", "Hey.\nHey.", "Hang on, hang on, hang on.", "I heard you were doing this,\nso I worked on some stuff.", "Uh, hey, uh, I'm planning\na \"White Wedding.\"", "Tell me, Billy Idol,\nis it a nice day for that?", "Some other Billy Idol ones.", "Um, if anyone's looking for", "the real Slim Shady,\nhe's right here.", "That one's only okay.", "Robin, why aren't you\ngetting in on this?", "Okay, first of all,\nI'm getting tons of compliments.", "Second of all, tell him.", "He's not getting\ntons of compliments.", "No, the other thing.", "Oh.", "I might move to\nChicago next week.", "Mm, um, hey, baby.", "Hmm?", "Not for nothing or nothing,", "but we'd still be doing this", "even if we hadn't seen\nDoppelganger Barney, right?", "Ooh, but we did see him,", "which means the universe--\nin all its infinite wisdom--", "is telling you to stick me", "and stick me real good.", "I can't. I can't in good\nconscience stick you.", "I know what's bothering you.", "Really?", "The cabbages didn't look", "enough like Barney.", "Well, that's just not true.", "No! Time-out!", "This is a group decision!", "You can't just move to Chicago\nunless we all say it's okay.", "Barney, I think\nthis has to be Robin's...", "Stay out of this,\nBrigitte Nielsen", "or Dolph Lundgren\nfrom Rocky IV!", "We need Marshall and Lily.", "That cabbie was like\na foot shorter than Barney!", "He was the exact same size!", "And you know what?\nI think he was Asian.", "Yeah, that guy was like\na tiny, graying Asian man", "WI-with a soul patch\nand a potbelly.", "Have you completely forgotten\nwhat Barney looks like?!", "You guys banging?", "Why are you in our bedroom?", "Why are you\nin our bedroom?", "Why is Ellen DeGeneres", "in our bedroom?", "Hey, this is working!", "Wait a minute.", "Candles...", "Flowers...", "Oh, I guess Marshall\n\"forgot\" to tell you.", "The Fifth Doppelganger...", "was me.", "What? Wait, and you\nknew about this?", "You lied to me?", "By omission,\nand it's only because", "this whole \"leave it\nto the universe\" thing", "of yours is insane, Lily.", "Baby, you... Lily, we need to\nbe in control of our own...", "Guys, guys! We're forgetting\nwhat's really important here.", "Ted's blond.", "Guys, I am pulling this off.", "Now, Robin has something", "important to tell you.", "He's not pulling it off.", "No, the other thing.", "He got a manicure.", "The other thing.", "I got a job offer in Chicago.", "Whoa.", "That's why we all\ncame down here--", "to try and talk Robin\nout of making a huge...", "Actually, I-I've, I've\nalready made a decision.", "Guys, I gotta take it.", "I can't believe\nwe're losing Robin.", "Guys, this might be\nthe depression talking,", "but is Ted's hair starting\nto look kind of good?", "Thank God, I thought\nI was the only one!", "He looks like\na freakin' movie star!", "Oh, and by the way,\nthis was a huge mistake.", "I'm changing my hair back.", "Smart.\nTold ya.", "Not at all awesome.", "Hey.", "Hey.\nHey.", "So, I just got off the phone\nwith Chicago.", "Yes, I have made a decision.", "Um...", "I appreciate the offer,\nbut I can't take the job.", "Thanks.", "I'm staying.", "Damn straight!\nYay!", "Robin!", "Hey, Lily,", "tell me something.", "When you saw actual Barney\ndriving that cab,", "and you thought he was a petite,\npotbellied Asian man?", "I know. Weird, right?", "It's not weird.", "It means you're not ready.", "And I'm... I'm sorry\nthat I tried to rush things.", "Our baby can wait", "for the real Doppelganger\nBarney.", "Oh...", "Mm.", "Mm.", "Hey, Moo-Moo.", "Monty made you\nthin-crust pizza", "just the way you like it!", "Hi.\nMmm...", "You okay?", "Robin, you're not gonna\nbelieve this.", "I got offered the lead anchor\njob at WNKW in Chicago.", "Oh.", "Um, what'd you say?", "I said yes.", "I've been waiting years\nfor a shot like this.", "Barney?", "I am simple street performer", "from Estonia.", "Who is this Barney?", "Oh, he's just this guy we know", "who has, like,\na really lame blog.", "I hear it's getting better.", "I mean, wha-what is \"blog\"?", "It's just something that was\ncool, like, eight years ago.", "Still cool.\nStill sounds pretty cool, man.", "What's your name?", "Kristof.\nKristof what?", "Kristof...", "Doppelganger.", "Really?\nYep.", "You're gonna go with", "the last name \"Doppelganger\"?", "That's my name, man.", "Bro...", "Robin, wait. Please\ntry to understand.", "I gotta get out of here.", "Wait. Put yourself\nin my shoes.", "Can you imagine what it's like\nto have the phone ring,", "and it's your dream job\non the other end?", "Yes... I can.", "Good luck in Chicago, Don.", "Barney, why are you doing this?", "Wait a minute.", "Could it, could it be", "that Barney Stinson actually\nwants us to have kids?", "Who is this Barney?!", "Take American chill pill!", "Well, let me tell you\nabout him.", "He talks a big game\nabout how no one should", "ever have kids before\nthey're at least 45.", "I would be interested in reading", "some of these opinions\nin blog form.", "But I think I know\nwhat happened.", "Yesterday, Barney thought\nhe had to say good-bye", "to someone he truly loves.", "And it got him thinking...", "Maybe it wouldn't\nbe the worst thing", "if a baby joined\nour little group.", "Babies...", "can be cute.", "Mm. And someday,\nhe's gonna make", "the best uncle in the world.", "Because this Barney...", "He's family to us.", "Excuse me.", "I heard you're from Estonia.", "So am I.", "Excuse me one moment.", "Estonia\nwould close out the Baltics!", "And I am\nstreet performer like you.", "Ay-yi-yi-yi!", "Hey.", "Say yes to this.", "Okay.", "Can I move back in?", "Yes.", "But, Ted, am I just\nthe biggest idiot in the world?", "Look, think about all\nof us five years ago", "when we first met you.", "Marshall and Lily were just\nboyfriend and girlfriend.", "Now they're married\nand thinking about kids.", "And Barney?", "Barney was never gonna commit\nto anyone ever.", "And last year, he fell in love.", "And me?", "I was chasing some girl I was\nconvinced was \"The One.\"", "Now she's one of my\nclosest friends.", "And you?", "Five years ago, you never\nwould have chosen love", "over your career,\nbut today you did.", "Looks like I'm getting dumber.\nNo,", "just more courageous.", "Look, we've all been searching", "for The Five Doppelgangers,\nright?", "Mm.", "But eventually, over time,", "we all become\nour own doppelgangers.", "You know, these... these\ncompletely different people", "who just happen to look like us.", "\"Five Years Ago Robin\"?", "That girl, she was pretty great.", "But Doppelganger Robin?", "She's amazing.", "We've, um, we've had\na lot to drink...", "I don't care.", "What?", "Oh. Oh, yeah.", "I forgot I'm blond.", "I have blond hair.", "And that's the story\nof how dying my hair blond", "kept us from doing something", "we both would have regretted\nthat night.", "Kids, the universe is funny.", "Oh, my God!", "Yes! You're here!", "This is fantastic!", "Baby, simmer.\nYour husband's right there.", "At least attempt\nto hide it.", "Guys, follow me!", "Guys, look!", "The Fifth Doppelganger!", "Uh, Lily?", "That dude looks noth...", "Guys...", "Go with it.", "Kids, you can ask the universe\nfor signs all you want...", "It's uncanny.\nRight?", "Just like Barney.\nAmazing.", "It's like looking\nin the mirror.", "But ultimately, we only see\nwhat we want to see", "when we're ready to see it.", "So, um, does this mean...?", "Marshall Eriksen...", "put a baby in my belly."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E01 The Best Man": ["Kids, if there's one\nbig theme to this story--", "and I swear,\nwe're totally, almost,", "not really all that close\nto the end-- it's timing.", "Timing is everything.", "For example, I never\nwould met your mother", "if it weren't for a wedding.", "The last wedding\nI ever thought I'd be at.", "What do you think of this tie?", "Oh, thank God.", "Barney Stinson needs you\nright before his wedding,", "you assume there's at least\none dead hooker in the closet,", "right?", "Is this one better?", "Look, the tie is great, and,\nyou know, it's perfectly normal", "to have some\npre-wedding jitters.", "I'm not having jitters.", "It just occurs to me", "that once I put this tie on,\nI can never take it off.", "I have to wear this tie\nforever and ever.", "And sure, this tie's skinny now,", "but what happens if it gets fat\nand starts bossing me around?", "Did I make a mistake?", "Would I have been happier\nwith the other tie?", "Ted, can I tell you\na big secret?", "Yeah, of course.", "I'm not really talking\nabout the tie.", "No, I got that, Barney.", "I wonder if this whole\nthing's a disaster.", "What if this is\nthe worst wedding ever?", "Not possible.", "We've already been\nto the worst wedding ever.", "Punchy's wedding.", "Marshall really took\na two flusher on that one.", "The story of how\nUncle Marshall ruined", "my friend Punchy's wedding", "starts in September, 2011.", "Punchy had asked me\nto be his best man.", "Hey.\nHey.", "Guys, before we go,\nwould you mind", "reading my wedding toast?", "Oh, yeah, no problem.\nSure.", "Um, all right,\nif I have to.", "All right.\nWhoa.", "There's a few\ndifferent versions.", "Ted, why are you working\nso hard on this toast?", "Punchy belched his proposal", "through a karaoke mic\nat a bowling alley.", "Okay, look, I've never\ntold you guys this,", "but over the years, a few\nof my old high school buddies", "have asked me\nto give wedding toasts,", "and they haven't gone great.", "Somehow those weddings\nall fell smack-dab", "in the worst moments\nof my life.", "Joel and Mora's love\nis a beautiful thing.", "I thought I had that...", "till my fianc\u00e9e left me\nat the altar last week.", "I was asked not to talk\nabout this, so I won't.", "I sit outside her house\nat night sometimes.", "She got a haircut.", "After I lost my job last week,", "uh, I was asked not\nto give this toast...", "No, no, no!", "The happy couple\nneeds to hear this.", "Things end.", "But from the ashes of your\nstatistically probable divorce,", "hope can rise anew.", "That is why I'm starting\nmy own architecture firm--", "Mosbius Designs.", "Mosbius Designs has failed.", "But Alex and Jessica's love\nreminds us that...", "Oh, God!", "Classic Schmosby.", "Whoa. Punchy posted the low\npoints of your life online?", "Oh, not just that.", "? Mosbius Designs has failed ?", "? But Alex and Jessica's love\nreminds us that... ?", "? Tha-tha-tha-tha-tha... ?", "Oh, God!", "So now I seem like\na total train wreck", "to all my old\nhigh school friends.", "And a bunch of people\nin Finland.", "The auto-tune thing got\nkind of big over there.", "That's why I have\nto nail this toast.", "Ted, you want to nail\nsomething at this wedding--", "lose the Trapper Keeper.", "The only thing you need\nto bring to Cleveland", "is this.", "That fall I became", "the youngest architect\nin the history of New York", "to break ground\non a skyscraper.", "Which led to a glowing\nmagazine feature.", "I planned on having it framed--", "Uncle Barney had\ndifferent plans.", "Here's your toast--", "\"Single file, ladies.\nNo fatties\"\"", "That's ridiculous.", "Yeah, you're right.\nIt's Cleveland.", "\"Single file, ladies\"\"", "I'm not going\nto Punchy's wedding", "to brag about a magazine...", "cover.", "Barney, he doesn't need\ndating advice from you.", "You never even called Nora.", "Kids, you remember Nora.", "But just the other day...", "I'll call you.\nIt's never too late, Barney.", "Or did you call her?", "Not that I care.\nDid you?", "I don't care. Did you?", "I haven't called her.", "Buddy.\nDamn it, Barney.", "I was really, really, really\nrooting for you two.", "Who wants hot wings?", "I'm in.", "Or maybe we should just pour\nhot sauce on Barney,", "since he's a total chicken.", "I did not chicken out.", "Nora is looking for\nsomething serious.", "I'm not. End of story.", "And yes, Robin, I would\nlove some wings.", "Cannibal.", "Okay, next round's on me.", "Oh, no, we got it.\nNo, no...", "Now Lily and Marshall\nhad just found out", "they were having a baby.", "I can't wait to tell everyone.\nBaby, no,", "we can't tell anyone.\nNot until three months.", "I don't want to jinx it.", "That's a bit superstitious,\ndon't you think?", "Whenever we board a flight,\nyou lick the plane.", "Have we crashed\neven once?", "Don't say a word until we\nknow everything's okay. Deal?", "Deal. But everything's\njust going to be great.", "I promise.", "How can you guarantee that?", "Come here.", "I'm just so happy.\nI don't know how", "we're going to keep this secret\nfor three months.", "Relax. It'll be easy.", "What'll you have?", "Four beers, plus\none non-alcoholic.", "You're pregnant!\nGet in here!", "And so we all headed\nto my hometown", "where we planned to celebrate", "Punchy's big day.", "Uncle Barney had\ndifferent plans.", "Get ready, Cleveland.", "The last man to\nscrew you this hard", "then disappear\nwas LeBron James.", "You're trying\nto get laid here?", "What?\nGod, Barney,", "tonight is a magical night", "between Ted's annoying\nfriend and what's-her-face.", "Have some respect.", "This isn't just getting laid.", "This is market research.", "You see, my legendary\nsuccess rate of 83%...", "17-- it's always\nthe inverse.", "...doesn't happen by accident.", "Every single play\nI run on women", "has been\nmeticulously field-tested.", "By weeding out", "the bad plays in smaller markets\nlike Cleveland,", "I know which ones will work\nin New York.", "For example,", "tonight marks\nthe inaugural flight", "of the escaped manslaughterer.", "Are escaped\nmanslaughterers sexy?", "Not even remotely.\nNo. No.", "Exactly.\nWe'll never know unless", "I try it out tonight.", "Schmosby!\nOh!", "Turd-faces! What's up?!", "You really feel\nthat ring now.", "So glad you all made it.", "Open bar. Drink up,\nturd-faces,", "'cause Kelly's dad's\npaying for all this,", "and he hates my guts.", "It's true.", "Who's doing shots?\nCome on, let's go.", "Oh, no, thank you.", "What are you pregnant\nor something?", "Let's get hammered!", "You're drinking\nfor two tonight, baby.", "I will do this for the child.", "Go Browns!\n- Go Browns!", "In AFC regular season play,", "but if they mean the\nSuper Bowl, go Vikings.", "Yowza!", "Escaped manslaughterers--\nnot sexy.", "Although in hindsight,", "that was kind\nof a flawed concept.", "Next up, patient zero.", "Lily, we are getting\nsloshed tonight.", "That's all you, baby.", "I'll be four shots in\nwith no food.", "In nine months, I'll be pushing\na pumpkin-headed Eriksen baby", "out of my hoo-ha.", "I think Papa can manage\na few extra cocktails.", "Well played.", "Hakuna Matata!", "I, uh, I got\nto get some air.", "Kids, remember how I told you", "Marshall ruined\nPunchy's wedding?", "That wasn't it.", "God, will you look\nat that guy.", "I wish Barney", "were my boyfriend again.", "No, thanks.", "Wait a minute.\nThat's your truth voice.", "My what?", "Whenever you're trying to pass\nsomething off as a joke", "but it's actually profoundly\ntrue, you use that voice.", "I wish the Spice Girls\nwould get back together.", "They were awesome.", "The worst.", "That was me.", "I totally cut one.", "That guy.", "Birthday present\nfrom my dad.", "All I really want is for him", "to tell me that he loves me.", "Just kidding.", "This pen's enough.", "It's not enough.", "It's totally enough.", "Oh, my God.", "You still have\nfeelings for Barney.", "Admit it, you still have\nfeelings for Barney.", "You are drunker than I thought.", "I mean,", "look at the guy.\nWait, wait, wait.", "Before you go, please answer\nthe following survey", "to help me better\nbang you in the future.", "What didn't work for you\nabout this play?", "Did you A) not believe", "I was a Guinness Book\nworld record holder?", "or B) did the fingernails\ngross you out?", "Th...", "I can't wait for\nyour toast, Schmosby.", "Yeah, here come\nthe waterworks.", "Wait. You're rooting for me to\nmelt down at your own wedding?", "Yeah, everyone is.", "Plus a few new friends\nfrom Finland.", "Hey, good luck, Schmos.", "Good luck, good luck.", "Take it.", "Show them how awesome you are.", "Shamelessly plug yourself,\nso you can shamelessly plug,", "let's say that.\nI told you,", "I'm not here to brag, okay?", "That's it.", "You're too polite to brag.", "Well, fine.", "Let me.", "Because the only person\non Earth", "who loves Ted Mosby\nmore than Marshall Eriksen,", "is drunk Marshall Eriksen.", "So game on.", "Kids, remember how I told you", "Marshall ruined Punchy\nand Kelly's wedding?", "That wasn't it either.", "Barney and I tried and failed.", "That was two years ago.", "Why would I ever\ngo down that road again?", "It wouldn't even\nmake sense.", "It doesn't have to make sense.\nIt's chemistry.", "Look, I've always had a sixth\nsense about these things.", "And now that I'm pregnant...", "with this idea\nin my mind-uterus,", "I see things\neven clearer.", "You and Barney have the kind\nof chemistry", "that just doesn't go away.", "Really? Then why is he trying\nto LeBron anything that moves?", "Did this not work for you", "because A) vampires\nare played out,", "or B) claiming that I also\ninvented Facebook", "was kind of a hat on a hat?", "You're the reason", "he never called Nora.", "You're the reason he's only\ntest-marketing tonight.", "And you're the\nreason he keeps", "striking out on purpose.", "Chemistry.", "Whoa! Ted!", "Is that really you", "on the cover of\nNew York magazine?", "Now, you say \"yes\"\"", "Please stop.\nSchmosby.", "What's this about a magazine?", "You know what, Clay?\nIt's no big deal.", "You know what?\nIt is a big deal.", "Clay, my friend Ted is\ndesigning a skyscraper, Clay.", "What have you been\nup to, Clay?", "Well, I'm still working\nat the rental car company...", "Bravo, bravo, Clay.", "Any major publications\nwant to write an article", "on your sweet\nrental car gig?", "No, no articles.", "My life's pretty dull.", "I guess the only news is\nthis little gal.", "Oh, my God,\nwook at the wittle baby.", "She is so cute.", "All I want to do\nis put her little feet", "in my mouth.", "You've created something\ntruly beautiful.", "She is my everything.", "I mean, it's kind\nof a big deal...", "the building,\nyou know?", "Hey, little one.", "So, this little angel's\nalready sleeping", "through the night?", "I've had some\nsleepless nights...", "designing this building.", "Aw...", "Nothing symbolic\nabout that.", "Let it go.", "There is no chemistry left\nbetween me and Barney.", "We're done.", "Oh really? Prove it.\nGo tell him.", "Why would I go\ntell him that?", "Because deep down, even if he\nisn't aware of it himself,", "Barney wants to be with you.", "And if it's not\ngonna happen,", "he deserves to know.", "Fine.", "Barney, just so everything\nis crystal clear...", "I know what you're gonna say.", "Let's show Cleveland how\nit's done.", "? The chills that you spill\nup my back ?", "? Leave me filled\nwith satisfaction ?", "? When we're done, satisfaction\nof what's to come ?", "? I couldn't ask for another ?\n? Uh-huh, uh-huh ?", "? Now I couldn't ask\nfor another ?", "? Groove is in the heart ?", "? Groove is in the heart ?", "? Groove is in the heart ?\n? Ask your mama ?", "? Groove is in the heart ?", "? One, two, three ?", "? Groove is in\nyour heart ?", "? Groove is in the heart ?", "? Groove is in\nthe heart ?", "? Groove is in the heart ?", "? Groove is in the heart. ?", "Barney... I...", "Sorry.", "Oh, my God, it's Nora.", "Nora's finally\ncalling me back.", "Wait, you said you\nnever called her.", "I lied. I called her,\nlike, five times.", "Wait, wait!", "You of all people\nknow how much", "I suck at these things.\nYou gotta help me. Please?", "Just once I would like", "to see what it feels like\nto not screw things up.", "Yeah, mm-hmm.", "Okay.", "Hey, Nora.\nThanks for calling me back.", "Um, hey, hi.\nThe-the-the reason that, um,", "I called is, uh...", "To tell you how\nI feel about you.", "...to tell you how\nI feel about you.", "I know we didn't work\nout the first time...", "I know we didn't work out\nthe first time...", "...and I know it doesn't\nmake any sense...", "...and I know it doesn't\nmake any sense...", "...but I can't shake the feeling\nthat we belong together.", "...but I can't shake\nthis feeling", "that we belong together.", "Is there any part of you\nthat wants to try again?", "Is there any part of you\nthat wants to try again?", "Baby, I can't take it anymore.", "I've gotta tell somebody\nthat we're pregnant.", "Eriksen, stay strong.", "We're keeping this secret.", "There's babies everywhere.", "It's like a minefield\nof cuteness.", "Look at this little bastard.", "Marshall, stop it.\nStay strong.", "You can't let holding some,\nsome little baby...", "oh, with the cute\nlittle cheeks", "and the... the little arms", "and little legs...", "This son of a bitch\nhas knee dimples.", "Let's go tell everyone\nI'm pregnant.", "Yeah!", "You okay?", "Nope. You?", "Not excessively.", "You want to talk\nabout it?", "Not even a little.", "Might make you feel better.", "Okay, fine,\nI'll make you a deal:", "you go first, and then I'll\nstick with my thing", "about not talking about it.", "Okay.", "All my friends from high school,", "they're here with their wives,\ntheir kids.", "Me? My date for the night\nis a sticky magazine.", "Sounds like high school\nall over again.", "Sorry, it was right there.", "I used to believe in destiny,\nyou know?", "I'd go to the bagel place,\nsee a pretty girl in line", "reading my favorite novel,\nwhistling the song", "that's been stuck in my head\nall week and I'd think,", "\"Wow. Hey, maybe she's\nthe one.\"", "Now I think, \"I just know", "\"that bitch is gonna take", "the last whole-wheat everything\nbagel.\"", "You've just been focused\non work.", "No, it's more than that.", "I've stopped believing.", "Not in some depressed,", "\"I'm gonna cry\nduring my toast\" way.", "Not in a way I even noticed\nuntil tonight.", "It's just, every day,\nI think I believe a little less", "and a little less\nand a little less.", "And that... sucks.", "What do I do\nabout that, Scherbatsky?", "You're Ted Mosby.", "You start believing again.", "In what, destiny?", "Chemistry.", "If you have chemistry,\nyou only need one other thing.", "What's that?", "Timing.", "But timing's a bitch.", "Hey, we still have\nour 40 deal, right?", "If we're both still\nsingle at 40...", "I'm all yours.\nHmm", "Unrelated, do architects make\nbig money?", "Aggressively\nmedium money.", "Damn it.", "Schmosby, you're up\nin two minutes.", "Okay, promise me two things,", "one) you start believing again,", "and two) don't cry\nduring the toast, Schmosby.", "I promise.", "Good.", "We're having a baby.", "What, for real?", "For real.", "Oh!\nOh!", "Attention, everyone!", "It's time for the reason\nwe're all here tonight.", "Schmosby's toast!", "We're here tonight\nto celebrate love.", "Love brings us new life...", "Hey!", "This isn't a meltdown.", "These are tears of joy.", "Ted is happy for his friends", "'cause he's the best guy\nthat I know.", "And do you know why he's happy?", "Because this beautiful lady\nright here is pregnant.", "How did you know that?!", "That was supposed\nto be a secret!", "Turns out...", "Go Browns!", "Go Browns!\nWhoo!", "In AFC regular season play,", "but if they mean the\nSuper Bowl, go Vikings.", "How dare you.", "That's my daughter,\nyou piece of garbage.", "You're still gonna pay\nfor all this, right?", "\"Piece of garbage\"?\nThat's my son.", "And that is how Marshall\ndestroyed Punchy's wedding.", "But we didn't care.", "There was gonna be a sixth\nmember of our little family.", "No wedding will ever,\never be as bad", "as that one, right?", "I picked the right tie,\ndidn't I?", "You nailed it.", "And hey, just be glad\nit's not the ducky tie.", "Ooh, the ducky tie.", "That's a good story kids.\nI'll get to that.", "Man, we are not even close\nto the end.", "You're a good\nbest man, Ted.", "You're gonna cry during\nthe toast, aren't you?", "Oh, I'm totally gonna cry.", "Come in.", "Ted, the bride wants to see you.", "Okay.", "Really? You're gonna go\nwith that tie?"], "How I Met Your Mother S07E02 The Naked Truth": ["Oh, God, guys, I'm\nstill really hungover.", "Did I really\nruin a wedding?", "No, you didn't ruin\na wedding.", "Just the reception.", "And the bar mitzvah next door.", "And my dress.", "And your dress. You put on\na dress at one point.", "Okay, you know what,\nthat's it.", "I'm about to be a dad,\nand I want to be", "the kind of man that my\nchild can look up to.", "So, sweeping declaration--", "I am never getting drunk again\nas long as I live.", "I'm serious.", "Kids, it's not that\nyour Uncle Marshall", "had a drinking problem.", "But whenever he made a sweeping\ndeclaration like that,", "you pretty much knew...", "I did it again.", "But I'm getting ahead\nof myself.", "What happened\nto your leg?", "Oh, nothing.", "I'm meeting Nora\nfor coffee.", "She's still mad at me, so\nI need some sympathy points.", "She likes musicals,\nso I'm going", "to tell her I fell off the stage", "during a performance\nof Man of La Mancha.", "What do you think?", "Lose the cast.", "A one-man show-- I like it!", "Just so we're clear--", "this woman is mad at you\nbecause you lied to her.", "So your solution is to pretend\nyou broke your leg?", "You're right.", "A neck brace.\nThanks, Lil.", "Man, I wish I'd have talked\nto you sooner.", "I've been practicing\nwith these crutches all day", "and whoever left them\nin my lobby", "probably really\nneeds 'em.", "Well, uh, I have\nsome good news.", "As you all know, I recently\ndecided to get back out there", "and start dating again.\nAnd, uh, well...", "Is this you?", "Uh, yeah. Hi.", "I'm Ted.", "Hi.\n- Hi.", "That's great, Ted.", "Yeah. Yeah, it was a moment\nof pure destiny.", "The kind you just\ncan't manufacture.", "Or so I thought.", "Oh, no.\nHow did I get on there?", "Hi. Ted Mosby.", "Guilty.", "Hi. Ted Mosby.", "That is embarrassing.", "I should be on the cover of\nEgg On My Face magazine.", "But I'm not.", "I'm on the cover of this one.", "Hi. Ted Mosby.", "16 moments of pure destiny", "in one day,\nand of those 16,", "ten were single.", "Of those ten,\nseven liked what they saw.", "Of those seven,", "four were women.", "Of those four,", "two gave me their real number.", "And I have a date\nwith both of them.", "Okay.", "Guys,", "it's Garrison Cootes.", "Kids, Garrison Cootes\nwas a senior partner", "at Honeywell & Cootes.", "One of the biggest\nenvironmental law firms", "in America.", "Marshall would have given\nanything to work there.", "If I don't get this job,\nI might end up working", "at, like, a Taco Bell somewhere.", "And nobody wants that.", "Or maybe you guys want that,\nbecause you'll get free tacos,", "'cause your my peeps.", "But right now I need\nall of you to calm down!", "Hello.", "Marshall, this is\nGarrison Cootes.", "Sorry I didn't get back\nto you sooner,", "but I've just been swamped.", "Which is funny,\n'cause I'm literally", "standing in a swamp.", "Anyway, I'm just out here,\nI'm just collecting some samples", "for this pollution case\nwe're working on.", "I love the work you guys do.\nThat's a croc...", "No, I mean it.", "No, no, there's a crocodile\nabout five feet away from me.", "So I'm just going to ignore", "the hot urine filling\nmy waders as we speak,", "and tell you that\nwe're very interested.", "He's interested.", "Obviously we have\nto do some sort", "of credit check, you know,\na criminal record", "and Google search, but as long\nas nothing unseemly turns up,", "you're good to go, man.", "That is fantastic, Mr. Cootes!", "Well, I gotta run.", "This is so funny,", "because, actually, I physically\nhave to run now.", "Croc saw you?\n- He's advancing, yeah.", "The next night,\nBarney met Nora for coffee.", "Thankfully, without\nthe ridiculous leg cast.", "Hey, Nora, thanks\nfor meeting me here.", "What happened to your neck?", "My wha...? Oh, it's nothing.", "I was performing in\na one-man show of Fiddler.", "There was this roof.", "Wow, that one has\nfantastic ta-tas.", "What, where?", "Oh... Oh, damn it.", "Ta-ta.", "Wait, Nora, wait...\nNo, look, please don't.", "I'm sorry. I'm sorry.", "What is the matter with you?", "What kind of person\nneeds to lie like that.", "A person who really,\nreally likes you.", "And suspects,\nprobably accurately,", "that you're way\nout of his league,", "and so he feels the need to...", "I'm sorry, you were kidding", "about the fantastic\nta-tas, right?", "'Cause I'm looking around\nand I do not see 'em...", "I just had two\nback-to-back dates.", "That's right,\ntwo lovely ladies,", "four large cappuccinos,\nand... one sec.", "And I don't know which\ndate was more awesome.", "Let's meet the girls.", "Jessica is a Rhodes scholar.", "She's traveled\nall over the world.", "Speaks four languages,\nis a concert pianist.", "And Claire reached\nfor the check.", "So I don't know.", "It's a squeaker.", "I mean, both\nof these girls", "have the potential to be\nsomething really special.", "They both move\non to the next round.", "Wait a minute.", "You're going to date\ntwo girls at once?", "Don't you think you should\njust choose one", "before it gets serious?", "Define serious.", "Well, that's complicated.", "I guess you have to weigh\nexpectations,", "emotional investments...", "Third base.", "Seriously, third base.", "So I can go to second base with\nboth of these girls, no problem?", "Oh, honk away, my friend.\nYeah, honk away.", "Oh, no.", "Ever since Mr. Cootes mentioned\nthe background check,", "Marshall had been\nscouring the Internet.", "Most of what he found\nwas pretty harmless.", "In some cases,\nreally awesome, until...", "Not good.", "This-- this is not good.", "Thanks, Stacy.", "Wesleyan has a new cafeteria,", "thanks to the generous\nendowment from--", "Oh, ho-ho!", "Did somebody say\ngenerous endowment?", "I'm Marshall Eriksen, but you\ncan call me Beercules!", "Well, that could\nbe anybody.", "Oh, man, I forgot\nabout Beercules.", "Who made this\nWeb site anyway?", "Pete Durkenson.\n- Of course.", "Is that the guy who convinced\nyou to run across campus naked?", "I was pledging his frat,", "which I gave up on\nafter three days,", "because frats are stupid\nand elitist", "and also I found out\nhe wasn't in a frat.", "Oh, my God.", "This is awesome.", "I just got invited\nto the Architects' Ball,", "the annual gala that honors\nthe city's greatest architects.", "Oh, no, you guys see\nwhy this sucks, right?", "Because it's an annual gala", "honoring the city's\ngreatest architects?", "Robin, this is the social event\nof the year.", "You take a girl\nto the Architects' Ball,", "brother, you're going\nto third base.", "Whichever girl", "I take as my date,", "she will be\nMiss Ted Mosby's girlfriend", "by the end of the night.", "Okay, no more sitting\non the fence.", "Robin, get me my legal pad.", "It's pros and cons time!", "And kids, they really cheered.", "Let me make one thing\nvery clear to you.", "I don't date guys who lie to me.", "Well, see, I did not\nknow that.", "My bad.", "So, from here on in,\nno more lies.", "I will never lie\nto you again.", "I'm serious. Ask me anything.", "Okay.", "Have you ever successfully", "gotten a woman in bed\nby lying to her?", "Have I ever...", "If I'm being totally honest...", "Yes.", "More than once?", "More than once...", "Wow, that's...", "I guess if we're\nsplitting hairs,", "then, technically...\nthere was a plurality", "to the times I've lied to women\nfor sex having purposes.", "What were they?", "Nines and tens mostly.", "There was a four once.", "She was a slump buster.", "But, Nora, after that, I had a\nrun that you would not believe.", "Man, honesty feels good.", "What were the lies?", "You want me to tell you every\nlie I've ever told a woman", "to get her into bed?", "A bed or any other place\nyou had sex with her.", "Oh, you're good.", "Pete, Pete. Hey.", "Beercules!", "Bring it in, dude.", "Hey, I've been\ntrying to call you,", "like, all night.", "Oh, my God, sorry.", "I would have answered,\nbut it is Tuesday night.", "It's Sunday.", "And you know what that means.", "\"Edward Forty Hands.\"", "Kids, \"Edward Forty Hands\"", "is a game that involves taping\ntwo 40-ounce bottles", "of malt liquor to your hands.", "The object is to finish\nboth bottle--", "Oh, my God, why am\nI telling you this?", "Let's move on.", "Okay, you know that old video\nof me streaking?", "I watch it every day.", "Well, I need you to take it down\noff the Internet.", "Like, right now.", "There are two ways\nthat can happen.", "One, you can give me\n$4 million,", "or... you can help me\ngo to the bathroom,", "because I... I can't...", "Yeah, those are two\nnon-negotiable no's.", "Well, I'm sorry we could not\ndo business together.", "But if you'll excuse me,", "I'm in the middle of a game\nof \"Edward Forty Hands,\"", "and the competition is fierce.", "Who are you\nplaying with, anyway?", "Just myself.", "Meanwhile, Barney continued\nlisting every lie", "he'd ever told to get laid.", "There's no time to explain\nhow I got bit there.", "I just need someone\nto suck the poison out.", "The surgeons gave me a new face,", "honey.", "Aren't you relieved I'm alive?", "Me llamo David Beckham.", "If I were\nonly casting The White Swan", "the role would be yours.", "No, I am a lesbian.", "This thing that I'm wearing\nis just really lifelike.", "Okay, let's skip ahead.", "What's the worst one?", "The lowest of the low?", "The creme de la creepy?", "Uh... Oh, I once pulled\nThe Soul Man.", "There was this beautiful girl\nwho only dated black guys...", "Barnell!\nOoh, I knew it!", "I can't decide.", "They're both awesome.", "If only architects had\ntwo balls, right, Ted?", "I got this.", "Ted, left or right?", "Yes, yes, great idea.", "Let the fates decide, huh?", "I will pick left.", "Just call one of 'em.", "Ugh!", "Ted, deep in your heart,", "you know that you\nkind of like one", "more than the other.", "Trust me-- take the other.", "Um, maybe I haven't\nthis is...", "the Architects'\nBall, Robin.", "It's a star-studded event.", "Okay, name one celebrity\nwho's gonna be there.", "Uh... Lenny Kravitz.", "Lenny Kravitz is gonna be there?", "Yeah.\nHe's there every year.", "And that guy's a rock star.", "You know, Ted,\nI've been thinking--", "it's too soon to narrow it down\nbetween these two girls.", "Just take a friend.", "Like I... I don't know,\nmaybe, uh, a friend", "who had a poster of\nLenny Kravitz on her wall,", "and may or may not\nhave, perhaps,", "dated that poster, on and off,\nthroughout high school.", "This pros and cons list\nisn't cutting it.", "I need a color chart.", "Color chart! Color chart!", "And, kids,\nwe all really chanted.", "Pete, please.", "I'm unemployed.", "I have a huge mortgage.", "I have a baby on the way.", "And now, I'm about\nto lose a job I really need", "because of a 15-year-old prank!", "Ugh! Do you hear yourself?", "Beercules, what happened?", "You're like a different person.", "The guy in that video\nwas awesome.", "He had potential.", "He could have been president of\nthe frat one day.", "There was no frat!", "Now he's just a bummer.", "It's not like I want\nto be a bummer.", "I just... I have to be.", "I'm gonna be a dad.", "You'll have kids someday.", "You'll understand.", "Dude, I have four kids.", "Pete, please take\nthe video down.", "All right, Beercules,\nI'll take the video down.", "If...", "you can best me in\na game of my own choosing.", "Oh, no...", "And I select the beautiful game,", "the sweet science...", "Pete, please,\nI'm so hungover...", "...the sport of kings...", "I don't want to play\n\"Edward Forty Hands.\"", "I was gonna say darts--", "but \"Edward Forty\nHands\" it is!", "And that concludes all\nthe space-related lies.", "Let's move on to\nthe world of sports.", "Oh, wait, sorry-- I just thought\nof another space one.", "\"I've been bitten\nby a moon snake.", "You need to suck all the\nspace poison out of my--\"", "Okay, Barney, uh,", "I have to be at work\ntomorrow at 8:00,", "which means I have\njust about enough time", "to sit in a shower for 11 hours,\nhugging myself.", "So this was fun.", "Can I call you, or...?", "Barney, you're funny, handsome", "and really quite clever.", "But you're also a sociopath.", "Well, I count three pros\nand one con, so...", "How do you still think\nyou have a chance with me?", "Because you sat\nhere all night.", "You could've left right\naway, but you didn't.", "Look, Nora, all those lies--\nthat's the old me.", "But I swear to you,\nI am trying to change.", "You... make me want to change.", "How do I know that's not a lie?", "I'll prove it.", "I will prove how serious I am.", "I will not leave this diner", "until I get\na second date with you.", "Good-bye, Barney.", "I'm not kidding.", "This is a 24-hour diner.", "I'll stay here forever,\nif I have to-- and I will!", "Just water for me. Thanks.", "Okay, so red indicates\nlevel of attractiveness,", "blue--\nintellectual stimulation,", "green-- emotional connection,", "yellow-- compatibility\nof life goals,", "and purple-- whether or not\nshe reached for the check.", "Well, it looks like\nJessica's ahead", "in the first\nfour categories.", "Did not reach for the check...", "Oh, this?", "No big deal. This...", "This cost three\nmonths rent,", "and, uh, I've never\ngotten to wear it,", "because I bought it for that big\nevent that you invited me to,", "which then fell through.", "But, you know what?", "Don't feel guilty about that.", "What big event?", "That thing with your uncle.", "His funeral?", "It didn't fall through,", "he miraculously\ncame out of a coma.", "And I forgive you.", "Now, can I please\nmeet Lenny Kravitz?", "I did it again!", "Aw, honey.", "You got drunk again.", "I can't believe\nI took the over.", "Just to be clear, \"I did it\nagain\" is not a reference...", "to my current state of\ninebriation.", "What's it a reference to?", "My name is Marshall Eriksen.", "I'm 33 years old.", "And if my potential future\nemployer, Garrison Cootes,", "is watching this...", "bow down to Beercules!", "Well, that could\nbe anybody.", "Oh, goodness.", "Pete, this is Lily Aldrin.", "I'm gonna make this real simple:", "You're gonna take down\nthat video of Marshall.", "You know why?", "Because I'm friends with three\ngirls who dated you in college,", "and girls\ntell each other everything.", "Every tiny detail.", "Huh. So...", "tick-tock, Pete-- tick-tock goes\nthe little wee-wee clock.", "Pete's got a little wee-wee?", "No idea.\nWhat's everyone getting?", "This was bound to\nhappen eventually.", "I've been trying so hard\nto suppress, like,", "my carefree idiot side,", "that it just rebelled\nand came out swingin'!", "It sure did.", "Look at me! I'm a windmill!", "Who am I kidding?\nI'm not ready to be a dad.", "I thought that I was,\nbut it's, like...", "my dad never did stuff\nlike that, you know?", "So what if he did?", "You'd still love him.", "And be honest-- wouldn't you\nlove to stumble onto a video", "of him running down\nthe street naked, yelling,", "\"Hey, Marshall, look at me!", "I got an icicle on my deal!\"", "Oh! Hey, guys!", "Ow! My neck!", "Uh... oh! Hey!", "Look at that.", "Barney, what are\nyou doing here?", "Oh, I told Nora I wouldn't leave\nuntil she gave me a second date,", "and I mean it.", "I've already been here\nnine hours.", "I still need\nanother minute.", "I mean... call me crazy, but", "I'm gonna stay here until\nI get that girl back.", "That-- that's\nwhat I want.", "The way Barney\nfeels about Nora--", "I want that feeling again.", "I don't want to be choosing\nbetween two girls,", "I want to be... a complete\nhead-over-heels idiot for one.", "Yeah, the complete\nhead-over-heels idiot thing's", "pretty nice.", "It's not bad.", "Although, for the record--", "sweeping declaration!--", "I am never getting\ndrunk again.", "And sure enough...", "All hail Beercules!", "Yeah!", "But, again,\nI'm getting ahead of myself.", "Hello.", "Marshall! Garrison Cootes.", "Yes, Mr. Cootes.", "Hi. How are you?", "I just wanted to let you know,\nwe did the background check,", "and that is\nsome disturbing streaking.", "Sir, th-th-the thing is, um...", "The rainbow streaking\nin this sample", "is definitely\nfrom chemical runoff.", "Oh, I...", "Bottom line-- we'd love to have\nyou on board.", "That is fantastic!", "Thank you, Mr. Cootes!", "Well, you're welcome.", "And-- oh, and when\nyou're at the office,", "try to wear some clothes,\nokay, Beercules?", "Wow! That's a big snake.", "Oh, there's\na snake in the swamp?", "No, I'm talking about\nyour penis.", "See you tomorrow.", "I got the job.", "Yay!", "And I think that my boss\nalready sexually harassed me.", "But he saw the video\nand he doesn't care!", "See that? Maybe Beercules\nisn't so bad after all.", "Yeah.", "Hello?", "Hey, Marshall,\nmy name is Pete Durkenson.", "We went to Wesleyan together.", "Yeah, no, I know.", "Pete, we... we just\nhung out yesterday.", "All right, now Lily's message\nmakes a little more sense.", "Listen, don't worry, bro,\nI'm gonna take down the video.", "You know what?", "Leave it up.", "Whatever you say, Beercules.", "Scalpel.", "You know what?\nThis is good.", "I want our kid to see\nevery side of who I am.", "Yeah.", "Even the side that runs through", "the East Village hangin' brain.", "I'm gonna call Pete back.", "That's a good idea.", "That evening, I took\nRobin to the Architects' Ball.", "Thanks again for\ntaking me to this.", "Mm. My pleasure.", "And, you know, you might\nfind it interesting.", "Some of these guys represent the\nliving history of New York--", "Yeah, yeah.\nWhere's Lenny Kravitz?", "Right there.", "Leonard Kravitz,\nworld-renowned architect.", "Guy's a rock star.", "He's gonna be\ngiving his famous", "90-minute lecture\non crossbeams.", "Well, great.", "I'm gonna go find one\nand hang myself from it.", "Okay.", "Kids, you can't talk\nyourself into falling in love.", "It doesn't take days\nof deliberation.", "When it's real,\nyou know pretty quickly,", "and with absolute certainty.", "I had forgotten that.", "But I was about to be reminded.", "? Victoria ?", "? Victoria... ?"], "How I Met Your Mother S07E03 Ducky Tie": ["Hey, what do you guys think\nof my new ducky tie?", "Pretty cute, right?", "And not that much more expensive\nthan a regular tie.", "Hmm.", "A ducky tie?", "Bro, why do you\ndo this", "when you know I must\nslam you for it?", "You guys might\nwant to look away", "'cause this ain't\ngonna be pretty.", "You ready?", "Duck, duck... gross.", "Hashtag burn,", "hashtag duck tie slam,", "hashtag Stinson rocks.", "What else is going on?", "Oh, guess who\nI ran into.", "A girl from my past.", "Any guesses?", "Stella.\n- Zoe.", "Karen?\n- The girl who beat you up.", "The girl who ruined\na photo with Slash!", "The girl who made you get\nthe butterfly tattoo?", "You make it sound\nlike I've dated", "a series of Stieg Larrson\nnovels.", "Perhaps I need to be\na little more specific.", "I met this girl at a wedding.", "We were together for a while,\nbut then she moved to Germany.", "We decided to try long\ndistance, but it didn't work", "because I cheated on her with\nsomeone at this very table.", "Victoria.", "Victoria!", "She catered dessert\nfor the Architects' Ball.", "Wow. I mean, what's it been,\nlike, what, six years?", "Yeah, it's so funny how\nthe past...", "you know, you think", "you're doing fine,\nbut you know,", "because true love...\nGod, Lily!", "What on Earth is going on\nwith your cans?", "Oh, these old things?", "I got my\npregnancy boobs!", "I'm in that sweet spot", "where the chestal area\nknows I'm pregnant,", "but hasn't told the\ndownstairs neighbors.", "Well, what are you\nwaiting for, Lil?", "Bust 'em out!\nMake 'em dance!", "No!", "\u00e2\u0099\u00ab Let your boobies show! \u00e2\u0099\u00ab", "Okay, I'm sorry, pal,", "but the party in my wife's\nsweater is a private event,", "and I'm the bouncer.", "Dude, I think they's\nthe bouncers.", "Okay, can we stop talking about\nmy wife's breasts, please?", "Ted ran into Victoria!", "I know, I'm still\na little shaken by it.", "I mean, there she was\nafter all these years.", "The emotions and memories and...", "Geez, Lily, it's like you have\na butt on your chest.", "Whoo-whoo-whoo!", "\u00e2\u0099\u00ab", "Why on Earth would\nI want to see that?", "They're round\nand attached to my body.", "It's an even trade.", "Okay, who wants dinner?", "Bless you.\nLet's go to Shinjitsu.", "Aw, again? Really?", "You bring that up,\nlike, once a month.", "It's hibachi grilling\nwith a vaudeville twist.", "I mean, come on, who's in?", "(Ted, Lily & Robin\nmurmur approval)", "No! Forget it!", "Okay, how about this:", "if you can go ten seconds\nwithout looking at Lily's boobs,", "we'll go wherever\nyou want to go.", "Deal.", "Damn it!", "Oh, well.", "So you saw Victoria.", "You must have\nbeen freaked.", "No, it was cool.", "Hey, Ted.", "Hey, kiddo.", "Okay, Ted, 'cause from\nwhere I was standing...", "Robin! Just... okay?", "I'm telling this story.", "Instead of the obligatory\nawkward small talk,", "let me just kick this off", "by saying I'm\nreally, really sorry.", "Thanks. It's unnecessary,\nbut thanks.", "So, wasn't awkward.", "It was a little awkward.\n- Not really.", "It was a little awkward.", "Lucky for you, the cavalry rode\nin to smooth things over.", "So, uh...", "I stole your boyfriend!", "That was, like, crazy!", "Like, what?!", "But... bridge, water under it.", "It was all Ted's fault.\nHe got me drunk.", "What?\nYeah! Be right there.", "Oh, guess who's here? Robin.", "Oh. I'm really happy\nfor you guys.", "You look cute together.", "Oh, no, no, we're not together.", "I mean, we-we dated\nfor, like, a year.", "But now we're just friends.", "It's not weird.", "No, no. Why would that be weird?", "I mean, if you hung out\nevery day, that would...", "We do.", "...still not be weird.", "I've never\nknown anybody", "that hangs out with their ex\nevery day.", "Well, Barney does.", "Really?\nWho's Barney's ex-girlfriend?", "Robin.", "Your Robin?", "Mine and Barney's.", "You don't all three hang out\ntogether?", "All the time.", "And we have weird.", "It's not weird!", "Has anyone gotten\na bite yet?", "Oh, good!\nHere we go!", "The main event.", "Oh, we got Takumi.\nHe is good!", "I mean, who am\nI kidding?", "They're all amazing!", "Let the dinnertainment begin!", "Oh, that reminds me,", "there's this other restaurant\nwe should try sometime.", "What they do is, they cook\nyour meal in a little room", "called a \"kitchen.\"", "What's the name of that...?", "Oh, yeah! \"Every Other\nRestaurant In New York City.\"", "Hashtag burn, hashtag\nYour Tie Is Still Dumb,", "hashtag refill!", "So you're talking to Victoria.", "I'm talking to Victoria.", "Well, I should probably\nget back to the bakery.", "I'm taking a late bus out\nto the Hamptons tonight,", "and I've got a sink full\nof dishes", "that my assistant did not clean.", "Because my assistant is me.", "But it was really good seeing\nyou, Ted.", "Yeah, you, too.\n- Okay.", "Wait.", "Let me do the dishes.", "What?", "Victoria,\ndo you believe in fate?", "I believe you're about\nto give a big speech on fate.", "Well, I do.", "And I think when two people like\nyou and me randomly bump", "into each other,\nit means something.", "I have to make amends\nfor what I did.", "Look, I can't undo what I did\nsix years ago, but...", "I can wash dishes.", "It's actually something\nI'm good at.", "Ted...", "I swear to you\nI am not trying anything.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00ab I said, bang, bang,\nbangity-bang \u00e2\u0099\u00ab", "\u00e2\u0099\u00ab I said a bang, bang,\nbangity-bang. \u00e2\u0099\u00ab", "Guys, guys! Shut up!", "Give the artist\na little respect!", "Sir, I apologize for that,", "and for what\nI'm about to say.", "Here's my impression\nof this guy.", "Uh! Ooh!", "Uh! Uh!", "Welcome to Shinjitsu! Uh!", "I used to be a night manager\nat Dairy Queen! Brr!", "Anyone can do that.", "Oh really? Then why\ndon't you do it, Barney?", "Show us all the tricks\nif they're so easy.", "Show us the onion volcano,", "the fried rice\nbeating heart,", "the shrimp in the pocket.", "I bet Ted showed Victoria\nthe shrimp in his pocket.", "Shrimp? Really?", "Okay, I'll do all", "those things. You just name\nthe time and the place.", "Okay, right here\nafter we eat.", "And what do I get if I do?", "What do you want?", "I want to touch Lily's boobs.", "Deal!", "Hey, sweetie?", "Yeah, I heard.", "Okay, Barney, you want\nto make this real?", "Let's make this real.", "Terms: If you can do\nall that stuff", "that Marshall just listed off,", "I will let\nyou touch one boob.", "Both boobs.", "Just one.", "Touch and squeeze.", "Just touch.", "Touch and motorboat.", "Just touch.", "Honka honka?\n- Barney.", "Just touch.\nJust touch.", "For one hour.\nFor one second.", "20 minutes, both boobs.", "Thirty seconds, one boob.", "Four minutes, both boobs,\nthree squeezes.", "One minute, both boobs,\none squeeze.", "Deal!", "But... if you can't do\neverything", "and I mean everything,", "then you have to wear\nMarshall's ducky tie...", "for one year.", "Ooh...", "Deal.", "So you get to the bakery.", "We get to the bakery.", "Well, this is great.", "You know what else\nis getting clean", "along with this\ncupcake tray?", "My conscience.", "You got anything else\nyou need to atone for?", "My oven needs cleaning.", "Un, no, nothing else.", "Not yet anyway.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00ab Bang, bang, bangity-bang,\nsaid a bang-bang-bangity. \u00e2\u0099\u00ab", "I'm getting married.", "Bang.", "Baby, I think I got yours.\nThis one has no booze.", "Oh, no, that's mine.", "Yeah, I don't know", "why people think\nthat Mai Tais need booze.", "I've been drinking virgins\nall night,", "and they're delicious.", "Yeah, well, enjoy\nyour Mai Tai", "because as of tomorrow night,\nyou'll be wearing my tie.", "Our future child\nis so lucky.", "Wait. You're not drunk?", "Huh. I guess not.", "It's a hustle!", "We gettin' hustled!", "Oh, this stinks.", "This stinks to holy hell!", "He's gonna win the bet!", "Baby, come on. Even if he was\nsober as a nun,", "there's no way he could do what\nthese guys do.", "Exactly. I mean, to learn\nthe trademark secrets", "of Shinjitsu hibachi cooking,", "one would have to go\nall the way...", "to Hoboken, New Jersey.", "Yeah, they have a school there.", "It's a six-month course.\nThey teach you everything.", "How do you know that?", "Maybe I looked it up\non my phone just now.", "Then again, maybe not.", "So Victoria's getting married.", "She's getting married.", "I'm sorry. I should have\ntold you that way earlier.", "No, no, it's fine.", "You thought something\nwas gonna happen.", "Like one percent.", "Maybe slap on a ring next time.", "Well, the problem is,\nhe hasn't asked me yet.", "I found the ring in a box\nin his sock drawer.", "Wow! Guy's got a whole drawer\njust for socks?", "Must be nice.", "So when's Money Bags\npopping the question?", "I'm pretty sure tomorrow.", "He's taking me out", "to a really nice restaurant out\nin the Hamptons.", "It's right on the water,", "so afterwards we'll take a walk\non the beach in the moonlight.", "You should probably go.", "I don't know.\nIt sounds pretty intimate.", "I'm serious. I feel\nlike I misled you.", "Madam, I came here\nto wash your dishes.", "Nothing more.", "Whoa! What was that!?\n- What was what?", "This guy and Barney\njust shared a look!", "Do you know him?", "They did it again!", "This whole thing stinks,\nI tells ya!", "It stinks!", "Lily, are you really suggesting\nthat Barney spent six months", "commuting back and forth\nto Hoboken", "to learn a signature cooking\nstyle of a restaurant", "he doesn't even like\nso he could win a bet", "he hadn't even made yet?", "Yeah, the whole thing stinks.", "No, it's not possible, okay?", "I was the one who said\nlet's go to Shinjitsu...", "Bless you.", "How could Barney have...", "You brilliant bastard.", "It's all so obvious now.", "For the past, oh, I don't\nknow how long, five years,", "every time I've said,\n\"Let's go to Shinjitsu\"\"", "Bless you.", "You've sneezed.", "Every time.", "And little by little...", "Let's go to Shinjitsu.", "Bless you. Bless you.", "...you forged the association\nin my brain.", "So what should we do for dinner?", "Let's go to Shinjitsu.", "Oh, bless you.\nThanks.", "Until eventually...", "Yes, I know I said that\nwe'd be back Sunday,", "but guess what?\nWe are back now!", "Now what on earth...", "Stop bouncing!\nWhat on earth", "would make you think that\nwe'd be okay with this?", "Let's go to Shinjitsu.", "When you were sick\nfor a week last year,", "I had Shinjitsu\nlike six times.", "You had the knife skills...", "you had the trigger...", "All you needed then was\nto want something from me.", "And then one day... those\nsomethings came a-busting out.", "Wapowng!", "I am gonna have\nto walk this earth,", "knowing Barney has\ntouched my boobs.", "Yeah. It stays with you.", "His email reminders don't help.", "Okay, Lily, this is ridiculous.", "If you want to\ncall the bet off...", "Great! The bet's off!", "Let me finish.", "Here's the deal: If\nyou let me just see them--", "no touching, just looking--\nfor one minute...", "30 seconds.\nFor 30 seconds,", "in a well-lit\nphotography studio...", "In the alley.\n- In the alley...", "then we'll cancel this\nentire wager completely.", "Do we have a deal?", "I totally think you\nshould take the deal.", "I don't think we have a choice.", "Go on, take the deal.", "I'll... think about it.", "So you're doing the dishes...", "I'm doing the dishes.", "All done.", "Congratulations.", "Your karmic slate is\nclean and lemony fresh.", "Cheers.\n- Cheers.", "See, now I can start anew,", "and hopefully end up as\nhappy as you and, uh...", "Sorry, what's his name?", "Whose name?\n- Your fianc\u00c3\u00a9 to-be.", "Oh! His name is Klaus.", "Klaus.\n- Klaus.", "German name.", "Yeah, German guy.\n- Hmm.", "When you were\nliving in Germany,", "and we were doing the whole\nlong-distance thing...", "wasn't there a Klaus\nin your class?", "There was a Klaus in my class.", "And you and Klaus were close.\n- Not that close.", "Yes, yes, you and the Klaus from\nyour class were quite close.", "Kind of close.", "Was that your Klaus?\n- My Klaus?", "In your class.\n- In my class?", "Is your Klaus the kind of\nclose Klaus from your class?", "Yes.", "You didn't cheat on me\nwith Klaus, did you?", "No. No, I did not.\n- Mm.", "Okay, new question.", "After we broke up,\nhow long were you single", "before you and Klaus\nstarted dating?", "Oh, how long... um, well,\nwe broke up in April, so...", "a day and a half.", "Oh, you have got\nto be kidding me!", "I'm sorry.", "So I've spent the last\nsix years feeling like", "I completely betrayed you,\nwhen in truth, you...", "No, you know what?", "Okay. Fine.", "Just let yourself off the hook\non a technicality!", "Forget the fact that\nyou did cheat on me!", "Forget it? I will\nnever forget it. Okay?", "I will never stop regretting it,", "because what we had\nmeant that much to me!", "I just... I wish it had meant\nsomething to you, too.", "Are you kidding?", "I loved you!\n- Did you?", "Yes.", "We had such an amazing\ntime together.", "Do you remember that night", "we found that crazy\nvideotape of Barney?", "Game night.", "We played that ridiculous\ngame Marshall invented.", "Marshgammon.\n- Yeah.", "We've played it a few times\nsince. I still don't get it.", "Remember the night we met?", "I remember you not\nletting me kiss you.", "Remember why?", "You had this ridiculous idea", "that the moment leading\nup to the kiss...", "The drum roll.", "...is as good as\nthe kiss itself.", "Isn't it?", "Well, it's certainly\nmore innocent.", "It's completely harmless.", "Completely.", "Oh, my God!\n- Oh no.", "No, no-no-no-no-no.", "I should not have done that.\n- No, that was me.", "I let you come wash my dishes!", "I said my \"oven\"\nneeded \"cleaning\"!", "I invited you into a porno!", "No.", "You were right. This is fate.", "I needed to see\nyou one more time", "in order to know\nfor sure about Klaus.", "And...?", "And...", "I have a bus to catch.", "Fine, you can see my boobs!", "To the alley!", "This seems unfair.", "I mean, I get that\nI'm the only person", "not allowed to see this, but...", "it just, it-it seems unfair.", "Come on, Lily, hurry up.", "Guys...", "You know, I'm all for honoring a\nbet, but who invited Takumi?", "Sorry, bro.\nI tried.", "What's going on?\nWhat am I missing?", "Are they out yet?\nWhat do they look like?", "Look, I don't want to know!", "Just tell me the kind of coin.", "Do you know how long\n30 seconds is?", "It's going to be five seconds of...", "followed by 25 seconds of....", "I mean, yes,\nseeing Lily's boobs", "is all you've ever\nwanted, but come on.", "All he's ever wanted...", "Lily, stop!", "Don't you see?", "This was his plan all along!", "He let us think he knows how\nto do all this Shinjitsu stuff,", "just so he could\nget you out here", "whipping out your milk-makers!", "You son of a bitch!", "The bet is back on!", "Nice try, Barney!", "Nice try.", "Maybe I was wrong.", "Well, I guess that's everything\nyou asked me to do, is it not?", "Oh, wait! The shrimp\nin the pocket.", "A modern classic.", "And now...", "for one minute on second base...", "with a firm yet\nsensual squeeze...", "Nothing can stop him now.", "One thing can.", "Make that two things.", "No!!", "Yeah!\nYeah!", "So you take her to the bus...", "I take her to the bus.", "Well, this feels familiar.", "You leaving, me kind of\nwanting to say, \"Don't go\"\"", "Little late for that.", "Little bit.", "Don't go.\n- Ted...", "I'm sorry. I just...", "Why didn't I say it then?", "Why'd I let you\nget on that plane?", "Why didn't I get on it with you?", "What would our lives be\nright now, if we had just...", "held on?", "Would I have still run into\nyou at this party tonight...", "or would we have been\nthere together?", "We'd go home...", "to our home?", "You cook. I do the dishes.", "I'm happy that you're happy.", "But damn it.", "What if?", "Do you really want\nto know the answer to that?", "No.", "I think it would kill me.", "Good-bye, Ted.", "And that was it.", "Now she's probably engaged.", "Maybe it's for the best.", "All right. Well...", "We're gonna duck out.", "Sorry to leave you\nwith the bill.", "Oh, guys, it's gonna\nbe a good year.", "I'm glad you guys can laugh,", "'cause I think I'm gonna\nbe physically ill.", "Coming down with a mallardy?", "Oh, they look hungry.\nThere you go.", "Here you go.", "Kids, there was\none part I left out.", "Good-bye, Ted.", "Okay, yes.\nWhat's the answer?", "There is a reason that it didn't\nwork out between you and me,", "but it's not Germany.", "And I'm willing to bet it's the\nsame reason none of your other", "relationships in the last\nsix years have lasted either.", "It's Robin.", "No.", "Yes.", "She is so much bigger\nin your world than you realize.", "And this thing that you're all\ndoing, you and Barney and Robin,", "where the three of you hang out\nat the bar night in, night out,", "like you're all just buddies?", "That doesn't work. Trust me.", "You-You've got it all wrong.", "I'm right about this.", "Good-bye, Ted.", "And sure enough, she was right.", "It didn't work;\nwe just didn't realize it yet."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E04 The Stinson Missile Crisis": ["I can't believe\nI'm talking to a therapist.", "Well, usually, I'm not\nthe touchy-feely,", "talk-about-your-emotions type,", "but with this, I just had\nto be a big enough person", "to admit that I need help.", "Huh. I guess this is what\ngrowing up feels like.", "This is court-mandated therapy.", "You assaulted a woman.", "Oh...", "That silly thing.", "I guess we can talk about that.", "It all began a few months ago.", "There's this guy, Barney.\nWe used to date.", "I set him up with this girl\nI work with, Nora.", "Barney was working hard", "to prove he was\nreal boyfriend material.", "So, all week, I had to sit there\nwatching him...", "send flowers...", "chocolates...", "balloons.", "Then one day...", "Hey...", "I heard Barney didn't send\nanything today.", "Patrice said\nmaybe he met somebody else.", "She's such\na bitch, right?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa When a man loves a woman \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Can't keep his mind\non nothin' else \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "He's so dreamy.", "Nobody asked you, Patrice!", "I'm sorry.\nYou must already think", "that I'm a horrible person.", "Robin, many of my patients\nare disturbed felons.", "Last week, one of them mailed me\na bag of his feces.", "On the plus side,\nhe remembered my birthday.", "You're doing fine.", "Well, finally, I-I just\ncouldn't take it anymore.", "I snapped.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa When a man, when a man,\nwhen this man \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Loves a woman! \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Aw...!", "And that's when\nthe assault occurred?", "Not exactly.", "So, you're drunk", "under a desk, binge-eating\nstolen chocolates.", "Boy, I am not coming\nacross great here, am I?", "This is not about how\nyou're coming across.", "But no.", "Okay, well, for this story\nto make sense,", "I have to tell you about\nmy friends Marshall and Lily.", "The wine looks good.", "Hey, hey, hey, hey,", "pregnant women\ncan't drink alcohol.", "No, my doctor says it's okay", "to have a sip of wine\nevery now and then.", "Really?", "Dr. Sonya's great.", "Whenever you ask her if you can\nhave something, she's, like...", "Just a little bit.", "Wait, Dr. Sonya doesn't let\nyou have sushi, does she?", "Just a little bit.", "You're allowed\nto have Cheetos?", "Cheetos...", "Ah, just a little bit.", "You mind if I double-check", "some of this stuff\njust in case?", "I mean, it's the least\nI could do", "as part of Team Baby.", "\"Team Baby\"?\nWhoa. What's next,", "like, cheesy\nmatching T-shirts?", "No.", "Robin, I've had serial killers\nlead me", "to shallow graves faster\nthan you're telling this story.", "Okay! Look, it was getting\nimpossible for me", "to be around Nora,\nso when an opportunity", "to get rid of her\npresented itself...", "It's Sandy time!", "Huddle up, gang.", "Two things: 1) Somebody stole", "a very expensive bottle of wine\nfrom my office...", "2) I need a producer to cover\nthe G8 Summit in France.", "Nora will do it!", "I mean, I know I have\nseniority, but...", "I was gonna ask Nora anyway.", "Thanks for the support, Robin.\nThis is huge for me.", "Are, are you\nsure about this, Sandy?", "I do have seniority.", "Oh, I'm sure. Nora's amazing.", "I want to have sex with her.", "To deal with that rejection\nfrom Barney,", "not to mention your boss...", "must've really hurt.", "Why don't we dig\ninto those emotions?", "So Marshall and Lily were\nat Dr. Sonya's office...", "It's fascinating", "how profoundly little I know\nabout vaginas.", "DR. SONYA\nCome in.", "Ted, what are you\ndoing here?!", "I checked up on all the stuff", "this \"doctor\" says is okay,\nand she's wrong.", "So, for the health of this baby,\nI'm stepping in.", "Sounds like this Ted guy could\nbenefit from some therapy.", "Oh, he definitely could.", "This is unacceptable.", "I'm sorry, we're gonna have\nto find a new doctor.", "Guys, for the health\nof our baby,", "Our?\nwe have to get serious", "about what Lily is\nputting in her body.", "Speaking of which,\nwhen we deliver,", "we won't be using any drugs.", "Get out!", "Why are you kicking me out?!", "Because you're always intruding\non our intimate moments!", "This is like college\nall over again!", "Man, you guys\nsure are messy!", "There's clothes everywhere.", "There's even a sock\non the door!", "A sock on the door\nis a universal code", "for \"We need some space.\"", "We needed it back then,\nand we need it now.", "Come on! We're a trio!", "We've always been a trio!", "We're right up there with Batman\nand Robin and Alfred.", "Out!", "Romeo and Juliet\nand the Apothecary.", "Now!", "Salt and Pepper and Cumin!", "What's that little guy\nup there do?", "Oh, you poor girl.", "Robin!", "It all ties together, I swear.", "So, Nora was about\nto leave for France.", "You know, not\ntoo long ago,", "I would have\nbeen worried", "that if I left you alone,", "you'd be up to no good\nwith some blond bimbo.", "Oh, I've changed.", "I know, which is why\nwhen I get back,", "it's gonna be the start\nof a new chapter for us.", "A chapter of me and you\nand hopefully not that tie.", "You got me!", "Have a nice trip!", "Dr. Stinson?\nI saw your ad,", "and I'm here for my free\nbreast-reduction consultation.", "What do you think?", "Are they too big?", "I can't believe you're still\nrunning plays on dumb blondes!", "I thought you were\nserious about Nora!", "No, I've been good, I swear!", "I just forgot about my BDSes.", "BDSes?\n- Bimbo Delivery Systems.", "You see, over the years,\nI've launched a variety", "of elaborate systems that are\nalways working to get me laid.", "Like my pop-up ads.", "Oh, hi.\nI'm Dr. Barney Stinson.", "Are your really large breasts", "making everyday tasks difficult?", "Oh!", "There's just got\nto be a better way!", "There is!", "I, Dr. Barney Stinson,\nfor a limited time only,", "can give you a free\nbreast-reduction consultation.", "Call me.", "If your knockers are\njust too damn big,", "I can handle them... it.", "Women actually\nfell for that?", "Yeah.\nThat business really took off.", "It played in all kinds\nof markets.", "Okay, survivors,\ntoday's reward challenge", "is brought to you by\nDr. Barney Stinson's", "Free Breast Reduction\nConsultations.", "That scam was\nso successful,", "it spawned a related enterprise.", "If you've been fooled\nby a well-endowed man", "who claimed to be a doctor", "offering free breast-reduction\nconsultations,", "come see me, Arnie Linson,\nattorney-at-law,", "and join my class-action suit.", "If your giant breasts\nhave been wronged,", "I can handle them... it.", "I got 'em comin' and goin'!", "Uh-huh.", "I can't believe you go", "to so much trouble\nto get laid.", "Yeah, sometimes I don't\neven have to shower.", "Mama loves it musky.", "I gotta shut down all these\nsystems before Nora gets back.", "How am I gonna do all that\nin three days?", "I'll help you.", "Maybe you should write\non your little chart there:", "\"Patient selflessly tried\nto help a friend in need.\"", "First of all, this is\na crossword puzzle.", "Secondly, you were clearly\nplanning on using", "those three days\nto steal Barney back.", "I am his friend! How dare you!", "God, you think you're so smart\njust because", "you went to Harvard", "and then Princeton", "and then... wow,\nHarvard again.", "Okay, yes, fine.", "I was... I was trying\nto steal him back.", "This is good.\nYou're finally opening up", "and talking about yourself,", "not just what Marshall\nand Lily were up to.", "Oh, yeah, so Marshall and Lily\nwere folding laundry...", "That one's my fault.", "You know...", "Never mind.", "It's just...", "Forget it.", "Marshall, you're\na grown-ass man.", "If you want to say\nsomething, just say it.", "I feel bad for Ted!\nAnd if my mom were here,", "she would ask me what was wrong.", "You feel bad for Ted?!", "It's tough feeling\nlike the third wheel.", "Okay, first of all,\nI'm sure Ted's fine.", "Who eats salt and pepper\nwithout cumin?", "Second, Ted is way off base\ncoming after Dr. Sonya.", "We love her! Right?", "Don't tell me\nyou're doubting Dr. Sonya!", "Just a little bit.", "What's that thing?", "Well, for some women, it was\nthe ashes of my parents.", "For others, it was the trophy\nfrom Wimbledon.", "And believe it or not, for\none busty dullard, it was both.", "Game, enormous set, match.", "Hello?", "Oh, yeah, thanks\nfor calling me back.", "Uh, Barney,", "It's Mitch\nfrom the Port Authority.", "Port Authority Mitch.\nYou'd always call me whenever", "a wide-eyed farm girl\nwould get off the bus", "with big dreams of Broadway\nand no idea", "what a \"casting director\"\ncould legally ask her to do,", "hold or lick during an audition.", "I'm sorry, old friend,", "your services are\nno longer needed.", "Oh, God, I can't believe\nI'm doing this over the phone!", "My love to Marge and the kids!", "I know. Here.", "I didn't realize this would be so hard!\nI know, I know.", "But hey, you know what? We're\nalmost through our checklist.", "Okay? Okay?\n- Okay.", "Which reminds me,", "why am I calling a hair salon\nand saying,", "\"Jack Fantastic is quitting\"?", "Sweetheart,", "it's like Maya Angelou\nkeeps telling Oprah,", "and I keep telling you:", "When you know better,\nyou do better.", "Wow, you are so wise.", "I wish you were straight\nso I could date you.", "Well...", "as a matter of fact, I have\nan extremely attractive", "straight twin brother!", "Oh, hi.", "I cropped that Halloween photo.", "It's just salt and pepper, now,\nso it looks ridiculous.", "Ted, I want you back on Team Baby.\nWhat?", "I knew you'd come around!", "Guys! I didn't really\ncrop the photo!", "Plus...", "Good news.", "I signed us up for\na birthing class.", "Well, that's insane.", "It's way too early for\nthat, right, Marshall?", "Okay, listen. I am the\nfather of this child,", "and I vote that we go\nto the birthing class.", "Absolutely not.", "'Kay, Lily.", "I hate to play this card...", "but if you don't\ncome to this class...", "I'm withholding sex.", "I don't think she's coming.", "Yeah.", "I was a little suspicious when\nshe had us take separate cabs.", "Lily, don't do it!", "Just a little bit.", "Think about our baby!", "You got to be kidding me,\nRobin. Get to the assault.", "Okay, fine.", "So Barney and I were finishing\npacking his apartment...", "Okay. One last item\non the checklist.", "Disconnect the Cold Call 5000.", "What the hell's that?", "I was able to secure the\ncustomer database from a company", "that sells body glitter\nand high-end pasties.", "The Cold Call 5000 will\ndial every female client", "between the ages of 22 and 23,", "and leave the following message:", "Hi, I know this is crazy,", "but I saw you on the subway,\nand I knew we were meant to be.", "If you believe in destiny,\ncome to MacLaren's tonight", "and find me, Barney Stinson.", "Because I have this feeling that\nI'm supposed to be on you--", "with you.", "Why not re-record it?", "I did like a hundred takes.\nIt kept happening.", "I can't believe\nLily's not coming!", "You know what? Screw it!", "Who says that two bros\ncan't rock a birthing class?", "Rock it!", "Today, we'll be exploring\n\"The Sensual Massage.\"", "Let's start by gently cupping\nour partner's hands...", "and just breathe each other in.", "Thanks, Robin.", "You're the only person I know\nwho would help me do all that.", "You're a real bro.", "Am I, though?", "'Cause I'm really\nmore of a woman.", "To my femininity.", "Nah, you're more of a bro.", "You're a dude.\nYou're a man.", "Hey, you are flying\nsolo one more night.", "How about I put on\na smokin' hot dress,", "you slap a vest over\nthat crime scene of a tie", "and we paint the town?", "I mean, when was the last time\nwe got rip-roaring drunk", "in clothing that\nhighlights our genders?", "So, your plan was to\nbe out on the town,", "dressed provocatively, drinking\nwith another woman's man.", "Robin, this is our\nfirst session, and", "I know this is just one\nclinical opinion, but...", "you a dawg!", "Yeah...", "There was just one problem...", "Surprise!", "I got back early!", "Hey!", "Let me guess,", "you got drunk\nunder your desk again?", "No, Mr. Harvard. I handled\nthings a little differently...", "So, I suppose now you want me\nto talk about how it felt", "watching Barney and Nora\nwalk off together, right?", "I'd rather just skip ahead\nto the assault.", "My next patient thinks he's God.", "On the off chance\nthat he's right,", "I really don't want\nto keep him waiting.", "Well, right after they left,\nsomething crazy happened.", "Excuse me, do you know where\nI can find Barney Stinson?", "He saw me on the subway and left\nme a message to meet him here.", "Why not re-record it?", "I did like a hundred takes.\nIt kept happening.", "Hi, I know this is crazy,", "but I saw you on the subway...", "He asked me if I believed\nin destiny. And I do.", "We are so meant to be.", "Where can I find him?", "So I was faced\nwith a moral dilemma.", "Unleash this nut bag on them", "or be a bigger person,\nand help my friend.", "Barney's at Caf\u00c3\u00a9 L'Amour,\n75th and Amsterdam.", "Awesome!\n- No, wait, wait, wait!", "Okay, this isn't right.", "Let's pop that top\nbutton, show off your gals.", "Ooh! Good luck, go get 'em!", "Let your love come\nthrough your fingers.", "Dude, the rule is no moaning", "and keep your eyes\nopen at all times.", "Stop being weird.", "And hey, when do I\nget to be the woman?", "Now remember, the most\nimportant thing in pregnancy", "is to keep Mom calm and happy.", "She knows best what she needs.", "Trust her.", "Now, Papas,", "I want you to take\nMom's hands in yours,", "look deep into her eyes,", "and repeat after me.", "I believe in you.", "I believe in you.", "I honor your body's wisdom.", "I honor your body's wisdom.", "Your womb is a temple.", "Your womb is a--\n- Okay, I get it!", "I feel terrible we didn't\nlisten to what Lily wanted!", "I know, so do I.", "The truth is, I thought\nI'd be married by now", "and going through all this\nstuff alongside you guys.", "But even if I meet the girl of\nmy dreams right this second,", "I'm still one night\nand nine months away", "from having a family\nof my own.", "And that's assuming the\nmother of my children", "is just a huge slut.", "Don't lose hope, Ted.", "That slut is out there.", "Thanks, buddy.", "We owe Lily an apology.", "Yeah.", "Dads, this is the time that\nI'll answer every question", "you've ever had about vaginas.", "Damn it!", "Hey.", "I'm so sorry, Lily.", "You have just a little bit.", "I realize now that it's my job\nfor the next seven months", "to keep you happy,\nand that's why...", "I'm no longer withholding sex.", "My hero.", "But I want to make sure\nthat you feel comfortable", "with Dr. Sonya, too.", "I do. And you know what,", "the fact that she's so calm\nand laid back,", "maybe that's not a bad thing.", "Maybe that's exactly\nwhat we're gonna want", "in that delivery room.", "Lily, if you don't push, I will\nshove this baby up your throat", "and pull it out of your mouth!", "Where the hell is Marshall?!", "That's a crazy story, kids.", "I'll get to that.", "Hey, Ted's out\nin the hall.", "He wants to apologize, too.", "Hey.", "What happened to your sock?", "Long story. Bottom line,\nI realized that sometimes", "love means taking a step back.", "Well, not always.", "I mean, sometimes it's\nbetter to interfere", "and sabotage stuff, right?", "Well, I think if you\ncare about somebody,", "you should want them\nto be happy,", "even if you wind up\nbeing left out.", "Wow.", "The lesson you learned\nwith Lily and Marshall", "is directly applicable\nto my situation,", "and is therefore", "a valid part of how I'll\neventually tell this story.", "Really?", "That's how that went down?", "Point is, it all\ntied together, right?", "Not really at all.", "Can we just get to the assault?", "To us!", "Barney, it's me!", "I love you, Barney!", "Mmm, scallops look good.", "Oh, they are.", "But the last time I was here\nthey ran out, so, uh...", "knock... on... wood.", "Well, I have my eye on the\nred velvet cake for dessert.", "Lovely. Splitsies?", "Nah, I want it\nall to myself.", "Really?", "Arm wrestle for it?", "No!", "All right.", "I love this place.", "Thank you, babe.\n- You're welcome.", "Babe.", "Barney doesn't know a thing\nabout any of this.", "But that's why I got\ncourt-mandated therapy.", "You must think I'm nuts.", "I think you're\na really good friend.", "Really?", "Really.", "As far as I'm concerned,\nthere was no criminal intent", "to this assault.", "Well, thanks, Doc!", "Well, look at us!", "We got this wrapped up\nin one session.", "Go us, right?", "Now let's discuss how you\nkeyed the judge's car.", "Okay. Um...", "Here's how it happened:", "Marshall and Lily were supposed\nto go to the zoo--", "okay, it all ties together,\nI swear. Now..."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E05 Field Trip": ["Kids, in October 2011,\nyour Aunt Robin was in therapy.", "And against all logic,\nit was actually going well.", "But why?", "Why-why am I constantly looking\nfor reasons not to be happy?", "Maybe because the idea of\nfinally being happy...", "terrifies you.", "Bro, you are killing it today.", "Pshh!", "We got something good here.", "We are totes gonna conquer\nmy fear of abandonment!", "I can't see you anymore.", "Nice.", "\"Oh, no! You're\nabandoning me!\"", "Oh, no. You're abandoning me?", "I'm sorry.\nI'm moving to Alaska.", "And that might have\nbeen the end of it.", "But a week later...", "Kevin?!", "What are you doing here?", "Okay, look, I lied to you\nabout moving to Alaska.", "I-I had to stop seeing you.", "Why?", "'Cause I think you're cute.", "And ethically,\nI can't be your therapist", "if I'm attracted to you.", "Oh, I get it. You dump me\nas a patient", "just so you can ask me out?", "I'm not gonna ask you out.", "You're not?", "No. We met in therapy.", "It's inappropriate for me\nto date a patient.", "Anyway, it was nice seeing you.", "Hey, wait.", "How do you define \"date\"?", "Two people having a meal\ntogether,", "sitting across the table", "making googly eyes\nat each other...", "What about two people eating\nalone, sitting side by side,", "making googly eyes\nat the coffee maker?", "Okay, it's not a date.", "Exactly. Not a date.", "And so Robin and Kevin had\nbreakfast alone,", "side by side\nevery day that week.", "Until finally...", "Oh, hey!", "Sorry. No cabs.", "Ran 40 blocks\nall the way here.", "May have knocked an old lady", "into the street,\ndon't know, I didn't look back.", "Let's just go on a real date.", "Yeah, that might be a good idea.", "Finally!", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Oh, I can't wait\nto see that movie.", "Is it good?", "Awesome. Wait, totally\nhypothetically,", "do you like movies with a\nshocking twist where all", "the main characters die\nat the end?", "Yes.", "You will love this movie.", "Hey, guys.", "Hey, Marshall.\nWhat's up?", "Well, I'll tell you what's up.", "You know how my boss,\nGarrison Cootes, is,", "like, the most famous\nenvironmental lawyer", "in the world?", "Yeah...", "I mean, it's him\nor the other guy.", "Sir Anthony Howel?", "Yeah...", "Anyway, he's an important guy,\nokay?", "And so today at work,", "I was trying to show him\nthat I'm tough.", "I've been thinking\nabout this", "settlement offer we're about", "to get from Gruber\nPharmaceuticals.", "If it's anything less\nthan $20 million,", "then I'm gonna grab", "those corporate Earth rapists\nby their...", "Okay, I'm just gonna\nsay something.", "I'm growing a child\nin my belly,", "a child that just\ndeveloped ears.", "This is a very\nthin sweater.", "So please, if you must\ntell your story...", "just make it\ncheerful.", "Cheerful.", "Okay...", "Then I'm gonna grab those\ncorporate...", "employees...", "by their sweaty, dangling...", "hands...", "and squeeze until those greedy\nsons of...", "parents... realize that\nI'm the baddest mother...", "nature lover around.", "It's like watching\nThe Breakfast Club on TBS.", "So what did he say?", "Marshall, bend down so I\ncan put my arm around you.", "That's all the way down.\nThat's good.", "Gruber Pharmaceuticals\nis a company full", "of well-meaning people\ndoing their jobs,", "just like you and me.", "Guys, I'm afraid that Garrison\nCootes has gone soft!", "He's like a teddy bear!", "A teddy bear\nor an Ewok?", "You know, cute and cuddly\naround the village,", "but once the battle starts...", "He'll smash in your metal skull\nwith giant swinging logs.", "Marshall!", "Okay, he'll hug you", "until you agree to peaceably\nshut down the Death Star.", "Hi, sweetie.", "Hey.", "What are we\nall talking about?", "Ewoks.", "Ugh, I hate the Ewoks.", "The only good\nthing about Ewoks in that movie?", "You got to see some of them die.", "Well, I fancy a pint.", "Nora hates Ewoks.", "Well, I have\nto break up with her.", "Be gentle\nwhen you tell her, guys.", "I'll call you from Vegas.\nTell me how it went. Okay.", "Okay, Barney!", "Sit down!", "Not liking Ewoks", "is no reason not\nto date somebody.", "Yeah, I mean, who knows\nwhat the rules are, ya know?", "I mean, you're dating\na girl who doesn't like Ewoks,", "I'm dating my former\ntherapist.", "Oh!\n- Eww!", "We are\ngentlemen of Harvard!", "It's not a big deal!", "Robin, if you asked\na hundred people,", "\"Who's the worst person\nyou could possibly date?\"", "they'd all say,\n\"Your therapist.\"", "Except the ones\nsaying \"Barney.\"", "Hey! Yeah, that tracks.", "Well, I should\nget going.", "I got the big field\ntrip tomorrow.", "Field trip?", "Yeah. I'm taking", "my Intro to\nArchitecture class", "to the GNB Tower\nconstruction site.", "I'm trying to get\nthem interested", "in architecture\nas a career.", "Why? Are we running out\nof buildings?", "Are we running out\nof boring people?", "Guys, this is\na big deal, okay?", "If I can get just\none kid interested in", "becoming an architect...", "Okay, I'm just gonna stop\nyou right there.", "Ted, it's an Intro class.", "Yeah, don't try to\nStand and Deliver", "an Intro class.", "Nobody takes an Intro class\nto get on any other path", "but the path to not\nbeing hungover anymore.", "I learned that in my Intro\nto something-ology class.", "Well that's fine for\nsomething-ology,", "but tomorrow\nat 9:00 a.m. sharp", "Intro to Architecture is\ngoing on a field trip!", "All 200 of 'em.", "Well, it's 9:45.", "I guess the other 170\nof you got lost,", "so we'll just start.", "Now, some might say you guys are\njust taking this class", "because it's easy or because\nyou've confused architecture", "with archaeology and think\nwe're gonna do", "some cool\nIndiana Jones stuff today.", "But I think that...", "I think just maybe, we got some\nfuture architects in the house.", "Show of hands: who's thinking\nabout a career in architecture?", "Well, today,\nall that's gonna change.", "Follow me.", "Hey. Uh, sorry,", "nobody gets in here\nwithout a site pass.", "It's okay, I'm Ted Mosby, the\narchitect of this building.", "I don't care if you're the\narchaeologist of this building.", "Site's closed.", "Moving on!", "That morning, Marshall's firm", "was getting\nthe settlement offer", "from Gruber Pharmaceuticals,\nand Marshall couldn't wait", "to see the teddy bear\nturn into an Ewok.", "Gruber Pharmaceuticals dumped\ntoxic waste into Frog Creek,", "a tributary of the Trout River\nthat feeds into Clearwater Lake.", "All three of which\nnow need new names.", "So it's time to win one\nfor Mother Earth.", "Let's take out the trash,\nshall we?!", "Yes!\n- All right, everyone grab a bag.", "Blue is recycling,\ngreen, compost.", "There we go.", "Sheila...", "we're ready to hear your offer.", "$24,000?", "Yeah , that seems reasonable.", "Kids, I was wandering the city", "with 25 Intro to Architecture\nstudents", "when your Uncle Barney\ncame to my rescue.", "Okay, guys, seeing a building\nget built, not that exciting.", "What's really exciting is the\nfinancial side of...", "Sit down, Ted, I got this.", "Hey, Weird Beard, lights!", "College...\nit's a confusing time.", "Oh, no.", "Studies show that 83% of all\ncollege students", "desperately need...", "sex lessons!", "Lights!", "Barney, these are\n18-year-olds!", "Ted, these are 18-year-olds!", "You have a girlfriend.", "But she doesn't like Ewoks!", "So what?", "So what?!\nBieber, lights!", "In 1983, George Lucas introduced\nthe world to the Ewoks,", "a race of creatures indigenous\nto the second moon of Endor.", "Now, the Ewoks have\na rich back-story", "that the movie didn't\nreally go into.", "Barney, why don't\nyou just skip", "to the part\nabout you and Nora?", "Fine.", "Ah, yes.", "Ultimately, Ewoks split Star\nWars fandom into two camps:", "those born before, and those\nborn after May 25, 1973:", "the Ewok Line.", "Anyone born on this side\nof the Ewok Line was", "at least ten years\nold when Jedi came out,", "and thus too old for something\nso cloying and cute.", "Anyone born on this side\nloved the Ewoks because, why?", "They reminded you of...", "Our teddies?", "They reminded you\nof your teddies.", "Thank you, Gina.", "How do you know her name?", "And so... by the immutable laws\nof the Ewok Line,", "my 29-year-old girlfriend\nwho hates Ewoks", "must in fact be\nno younger than... 37.", "That's only a year younger\nthan Will's mom.", "How do you know my mom?\nClass dismissed!", "I need to be alone.", "All right, we're moving on.", "Ooh, can I come?", "Hey, baby.", "Hey, I just want to remind you\nwe have Dr. Sonya at 4:00.", "I'll be there. I'm sorry.\nI'm just... I'm bummed.", "We got\nour settlement offer today:", "$24,000 from\na billion-dollar company.", "Wow. I take it people aren't\nhappy about that.", "We won! Champagne and cake\nfor everybody!", "They're celebrating.", "I mean, it's crazy.", "We have no right\nto be eating cake.", "There's cake?! I'm on my way!", "Meanwhile, the worst field trip\nof all time was still trucking.", "All right, this, this is\nexciting, okay?", "This is the very room", "where I had the idea\nfor the GNB Tower.", "Now, Webster's defines\n\"inspiration\" as...", "Hold on.\nIt's still loading.", "Uh, hey, roomie.", "Robin! Hey,\nwhat are you doing here?", "Well, I was about\nto get my swerve on.", "You were?", "So you're the therapist.", "You know, it's one thing\nto pretend to be a shrink", "and bang your patients.\nThat's normal.", "But to do it for real?\nA little creepy, bro.", "Okay, it's not creepy.", "Ehhhh... it's creepy.", "Class, show of hands:", "Who thinks it's creepy\nto date your therapist?", "Pollstered.\n- Get out!", "All right.\nWe're moving on!", "So, class, to your left,", "you will see some\nexcellent examples of", "what we'd call windows.", "So where are we going now?", "I have no idea.", "This is a disaster.", "Some of them are already\nstarting to go home.", "Although we seem to have\npicked up a German family.", "Wait a minute.\nWait a minute.", "That thing with Robin\nand her creepy therapist", "gave me an idea.", "Ted, we have here a way", "to solve every single debate\nwe've ever had!", "I mean, just look at the sample:", "guys, girls,\nblacks, Asians, a German family.", "You can't pay for that kind of\nfocus group!", "Is macaroni salad\nreally a salad?", "Hands up if you say \"no.\"", "Ha!", "Jacob or Edward?", "Who says Edward?", "Ha, ha. See?\nI told you.", "It's Edward\nJames Olmos.", "Would you rather have sex\nwith a dead human being", "or a live an...?\nDude.", "What?\nFind the line.", "Who thinks David\nHasselhoff is awesome?", "Hmm.\nIt's true.", "Okay. I've got one.\nIf you're dating a girl,", "and she lies\nabout her age,", "who says break up\nwith her?", "Yes, yes, but what if\nthe person she's lying to", "is notoriously\nshallow about age?", "Okay, but what if early\nin our relationship,", "she made a really big deal", "about wanting to not\nlie to each other?", "What if she's hot?", "Who wants five bucks?", "Pollstered!", "Let's do this.", "Hmm? Yeah.", "Mm...", "Okay, this is creepy.", "It's Crispin\nGlover creepy.", "You were my patient.", "You shared intimate stuff.", "It would be like dating\nyour gynecologist.", "You were vulnerable.", "That's not something\nwe can move past.", "Guess not.", "So, dating your gyno,\nthat's bad, too?", "Oh, Robin.", "Kidding!", "Look, we've got another one!", "Come on,\nhave a bite.", "No, it's a matter\nof principle.", "I don't care how good it is,", "I'm not gonna have\na third piece of cake!", "Okay, guys, you all had\na lot of fun today,", "but now it's time...\nto have even more fun!", "Another cake!", "Another cake?!", "What is the matter\nwith you people?!", "That settlement today was\na flaming pile of...", "puppies...", "that aren't on fire!", "Look at what's happening\nto the environment,", "and we're here doing the limbo?", "I mean, we should be ashamed\nof ourselves!", "Sir, all I meant was...", "Ten years from right now,", "everyone outside in that bullpen\nwill be dead.", "What?", "I've seen the\nlatest research, Marsh.", "You know how I'm always saying", "it's not too late\nto save the planet?", "It's too late\nto save the planet.", "There's nothing to do\nbut sit back", "and await our inevitable doom.", "Oh, my goodness, a pi\u00c3\u00b1ata!", "Just give me one minute, Larry.", "Thank you.", "Our grotesque, inevitable doom!", "Now, of course,\nyou can't go around", "telling all the people", "that the good ship\nEnvironmentalism", "has sailed off into the sunset.", "There would cause a panic.", "So, instead,\nwhat we do is,", "we come to work,\nwe put on a happy face,", "and we sue the big guys", "for just enough money\nfor some cake", "before the unfiltered rays\nof the sun fry us like chalupas,", "and our lungs fill up\nwith salt water,", "and we all die!", "Mmm. This cake is delicious.\nEverything's fine.", "Ugh, this day sucks.", "Kevin and I are kaputski.", "You think that's bad?", "The world is\ncoming to an end.", "You think that's bad?", "My girlfriend is 37!", "And my field trip is not going\nas well as I'd hoped.", "Hmm.", "This day sucks.", "Professor Mosby,\nis the field trip over?", "We'd like to go home.", "Yeah, it's over.", "Auf wiedersehen.", "I just wanted\nto inspire them,", "you know, like my professors\ninspired me.", "But here we are,\nat the end of the day...", "Hey, class,\nquick question.", "Uh, is anyone here thinking\nof becoming an architect?", "Really?", "Yeah, dude.\nI mean,", "all jobs suck,", "but it's 4:00\nin the afternoon,", "and you're out at a bar\nwith your friends,", "so the hours can't\nbe that bad.", "So...", "yeah, I don't know,\nI'd think about it.", "I got through to you. Oh!", "I mean, that is, if becoming\na deejay doesn't pan out.", "You are gonna be\na great architect.", "He became a deejay.", "Robin, what are you doing here?", "I told you I can't\nbe your therapist.", "I know.", "Today, I am your therapist.", "What?", "You said yourself,", "I'm always looking for reasons\nnot to be happy.", "Well, I'm trying to change that.", "So, if the only reason\nwe can't be together", "is because I was\nin a vulnerable place", "for the first two hours\nwe knew each other", "then that is two hours of\nvulnerability you owe me.", "Sit down.", "Okay.", "Okay, but I must warn you, as a\nprofessional, I'm immune to...", "Tell me about your mother.", "Everything she says\nis a manipulation!", "When I was\nseven years old...", "Mr. Cootes.", "Hey.\n- Listen, I've been thinking", "a lot about what you said\nyesterday,", "about how we're all gonna die.", "Oh, I'm not gonna die.", "I bought an old mine shaft\nin Colorado.", "I've spent the last six months\nfilling it with canned goods,", "assault rifles and all five\nseasons of Friday Night Lights.", "Okay, first of all,\nyou can skip season two.", "Second of all, after our talk...", "I came pretty close\nto giving up myself.", "But then I went to the doctor\nwith my wife...", "and...", "I saw this.", "Boy or girl?", "I don't know.", "But I know I sure as hell\ncan't give up now.", "So, if you're just looking\nfor someone", "to hold the other end\nof the limbo stick,", "you got the wrong guy for\nthe job, and you know why?", "'Cause you're three feet taller\nthan everyone in this office?", "No. Because if I am\ngonna work here,", "then first thing\ntomorrow morning,", "I'm walking down\nto Gruber Pharmaceuticals,", "and I'm rejecting their offer.", "Even if I have to do it myself.", "Listen, I want you\nto know... I know.", "Know what?", "Nora.", "Barney.", "Nora.", "Just say what you're gonna say!", "I know you're old!", "And I've been struggling\nwith it,", "but when I look at you...", "I don't care,\nbecause I really like you.", "And because for 37,\nyou are keeping it toit!", "You think I'm 37?", "Well, if you were really 29,", "then you would have\nbeen a little kid", "the first time you saw the Ewoks\nand you would have loved them.", "Barney, I didn't see\nany of the Star Wars", "movies until last year.", "You... you're 29!", "You still have\none good year left.", "What?\n- Nothing.", "Mm...", "But Naveen's the neurosurgeon,", "so of course he gets\nall the attention!", "Oh, Naveen is so smart,", "he operates on people's brains!", "Well, guess what, Mom?!", "I treat the human mind!", "Our time is up.", "I don't think\nthis is gonna work.", "I scared you off, didn't I?", "No, I mean, I don't think\nI can be your therapist.", "You're really cute.", "The next day,", "Marshall returned to\nGruber Pharmaceuticals alone.", "I mean, you admit\nthat you polluted the lake.", "We got the evidence.", "We got the charts.", "The fish...", "Fish, huh?", "Fish are weird.", "You ever think\nabout the names of fish?", "I mean, come on.", "Carp.", "Garrison, what a nice surprise.", "Your star apprentice\nwas just, uh...", "\"Floundering.\"", "Little, little\nfish humor", "for you guys.", "It was not going well.", "I'm here to turn\ndown the 24,000.", "Well, I can maybe get you\n24,500.", "Not... good... enough.", "Where are we going?", "To war, son.", "We're going to war.", "We're going to save the planet.", "And kids, as we now know,\nthey did.", "Hey, you know\nwhat was on last night?", "Stand and Deliver.\n- Mm.", "So good.\n- Mm-hmm.", "Whatever happened\nto Jacob James Olmos?", "Who?", "Jacob James Olmos.\nWhatever happened to that guy?", "He never existed.", "It's Edward James Olmos.", "You're Olmos correct.", "It's Jacob James Olmos.", "It's Edward James Olmos.\n- Jacob James Olmos.", "Edward James Olmos.", "You're joking, right...?\n- Are you serious...?", "Seriously.\n- Jacob James Olmos."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E06 Mystery vs. History": ["By the fall of 2011,\ntechnology had taken", "a lot of the intrigue\nout of life.", "The Internet had everyone's\nwall of information.", "Nothing was a mystery anymore.", "But, kids, there was\na time before that,", "way back in the dark ages.", "Are you people insane?!", "The most popular food in America\nis the cheeseburger!", "No way! It's pizza!", "Are we forgetting about\na certain Mr. Furter,", "first name Frank?", "Um, what did every kid\nbring in their lunchbox", "every day till\ngrade eight?", "Pancakes with\nmaple syrup.", "Thanks, Canada.", "We're looking for a food\nthe average American eats.", "Yeah. Yeah.\n- Oh!", "Chinese food.", "And then came the smartphone.", "Hey, remember", "when we were arguing about\nthe most popular food?", "It's bread.", "Hm.", "And the barroom debate\nwas dead.", "You guys are idiots!", "Okay, not completely dead.\nYou are seriously telling me", "you don't want\nto open that envelope", "and find out if you're\nhaving a boy or a girl?", "Nope. Dr. Sonya only gave us\nthis in case we wanted to know.", "But we don't.", "Lilypad and I are just gonna\nwait till that baby pops out", "and enjoy the big surprise.", "Look, I have pretended\nto be a licensed therapist", "enough times to know\nthere is something unhealthy", "about your not wanting\nto find out.", "Back me up here, Kev.\n- No, no, no, no, no.", "This real therapist\nwon't risk upsetting", "his wonderful new girlfriend by\nanalyzing her wonderful friends.", "No matter how mentally\nunbalanced they may be.", "I hear you.", "I don't think you do.", "We just don't want to\nburden our little angel", "with all kinds of\ngender-specific expectations.", "Boys can do ballet;\ngirls can play football.", "Hell, the Green Bay\nPackers have been", "proving that for years.", "That would've gotten\na big laugh at a sports bar.", "Well, I say define\ngender roles early.", "All the other girls\ngot a pretty dress", "and a cake when\nthey turned 14.", "Me...", "I want to go home, Daddy!", "That direction is\nnothing but wolves.", "And 40 kilometers that way\nis the mining town of Smithers.", "I'd take my chances\nwith the wolves.", "I'll see you in three days.", "Well, wait, wh-what\nam I supposed to eat?", "Hey, you've got a knife,\nthe forest is full of animals--", "what do you want, a buffet?", "Papa...!", "Happy birthday, son...!", "Got any thoughts\non that, Doc?", "If you guys think I'm going near\nthat, you're crazy.", "Why'd you\nemphasize \"you're\"?", "No reason.\nYou're pretty.", "By the way, do you guys want\nto come over tomorrow night", "for sangria and tapas?", "Si. Muchas gracias.\nThat sounds awesome.", "Great. We're also\ngonna paint the nursery.", "Oh, and a quick update\non the sangria and tapas--", "that's cancelled.\nMmm...", "Guess what smooth\nson of a bitch", "just picked up\na girl at the bar?", "Barney, you're cheating\non Nora already?", "No, guys, it's me.", "Janet McIntyre.", "Struck up a conversation\nat the bar", "while ordering, she guessed\nbread right away,", "we laughed, it was\na thing, boom, going", "out tomorrow night.", "So, she said yes just like that?\n- Just like that.", "There's\nsomething wrong with her.", "No, no, no, no.", "Stop it. They\nalways do this.", "Every time I go\non a first date,", "they snap right into\nresearch mode.", "It started by accident.", "Ooh.", "Hello?", "Ted, we did a little\nInternet research", "on your Mia Plumley.", "We just sent you", "a picture of her\nfrom six months ago.", "I don't understand--\nis Mia standing behind", "this morbidly obese wo...\nOh, my God!", "They had cookies and cream.", "And what you were saying\nabout how women feel", "they have to starve themselves\nmakes so much sense.", "Ooh, hot dogs. Score!", "After that, background checks", "became standard\noperating procedure.", "The date with Nadine went great.", "Unless you guys found something.", "Are you sitting down?", "No.", "She's wanted in Florida\non crystal meth charges.", "She breeds pit bulls\nfor dog fighting.", "Also, the FBI...\n- What's this link?", "Oh, she also writes\nonline movie reviews.", "Anyway, she's still married to\na death row inmate convicted...", "She gave Annie Hall\ntwo out of ten stars?", "\"Slow and overrated\"?", "Really? That's\nyour takeaway?", "It's the Wood Man at\nthe height of his powers.", "The way he broke the fourth wall\nby talking directly to camera?", "People have been\nripping that off ever since.", "Can you believe this guy?", "Paula Vincenzo.", "She's in the bathroom.", "What's wrong with her?", "Total psycho.\nHer Facebook wall", "has a link to a site about\ndating inanimate objects.", "For most of last year,\nshe was engaged...", "to a mini fridge.\nAnd there's pictures:", "her and the mini\nfridge on a hike,", "her and the mini fridge\nin wine country,", "here's the mini fridge\nmeeting her parents...", "Run like the wind.", "So... want to go\nback to my place?", "Yeah, all right.", "Well, thanks to us,\nyou ran screaming from", "that freak show, right?", "Absolutely.\n- Cuckoo!", "So what's the problem?", "You need us.", "No, I don't, okay?", "I don't want a\nbackground check.", "I want adventure\nand excitement.", "Look, if it's\na choice", "between mystery\nand history,", "I want mystery.", "In fact...", "Ted, I wouldn't...", "Uh, Janet.", "I have a theory.\nPeople don't get the chance", "to just discover\neach other anymore, so...", "here's my idea.", "Before we go out tomorrow,", "let's not do any prior\nInternet research on each other.", "It sounds like I'm hiding something\nhorrible, doesn't it?", "I'm pretty sure\nyou're a serial killer.", "I'm not. I'm not.", "It's just, you know, like,\nwhen my parents met,", "they didn't have the Internet--\nthey just went out", "on a blind date\nand fell in love.", "That's nice.\nAnd they're still together?", "Right up to the divorce.", "The point is, I'd love\nto get to know you", "in person, not on my computer.", "I like that.\nWhat started out", "sounding really creepy\nturned out really sweet.", "That's kind of my move.", "And she was", "on board with the whole\n\"no Internet\" thing?", "She loved it.", "The bitch is\nhiding something.", "The bitch is totally\nhiding something.", "Hey, Ted, before you leave--", "is Janet McIntyre\nM-A-C or M-C?", "For the last time,\nI don't want to know", "anything about her\nbefore the date.", "You might want to see this,\nTed-- naked pictures.", "That's not Janet.", "Who, now?", "Seriously...", "if you guys respect\nme as a friend...", "stop looking.", "Well, Ted was pretty\nclear there, so...", "let's shut those laptops", "and go help Lily and Marshall,\njust like we promised.", "Let's leave", "the laptops here\nand go paint that baby room.", "Without laptops.", "Or bring the laptops.\nEither way.", "This is exciting.", "I give you...", "the color our child\nwill grow up with.", "Yellow, like the sun.", "Or daughter.\nPun snuggle.", "Oh, God, this room's about\nto get its first spit-up.", "Just open the envelope already!", "Kevin, will you please\ntell Barney that it is", "perfectly normal for us to want\nto preserve the mystery.", "I'm not here to analyze; I'm\nhere to win boyfriend points.", "By the way, you all\nlook great, especially Robin.", "Come on, if you don't\nknow the gender,", "you're gonna get generic crap\nat the baby shower.", "But if you do know the gender,", "you'll get, oh,\nI don't know, this!", "Marshall! Lights!", "Okay.", "When little Jack's\nnot turning double plays,", "he's turning heads with this", "home run of an outfit!", "And if it's a little girl...", "This royal ensemble\nmay leave you speechless,", "but it's sure to make\nlittle Sally say,", "\"I wuv you, Mommy,\nand I wuv my dress,", "and I would love\nto see you in the shower.\"", "Sorry, I kind of fell out of\ncharacter in that last part.", "But if you don't\nknow the gender...", "Little Fran is sure to be\nthe pariah of the playground", "in this hermaphroditic\nburlap sack.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Marshall! Lights!", "Barney,", "you don't really care abo'.", "No. You just", "can't stand", "not knowing something.", "That's ridiculous!", "Marshall, will you...", "will you hold\nthese for a second?", "Yeah, sure. Why?", "Because I gots to know!", "Oh, Barney, no!\nHelp! Get him off of me!", "Everybody hold it!\nHold it!", "I found Janet McIntyre,\nwho's been widowed three times.", "She's obviously\nkilling her husbands!", "Oh, my God!", "They're six minutes\ninto the date.", "Ted's probably already told her\nthat he loves her!", "We've got to get down there!", "Nobody's going anywhere!", "Why?!", "Kids, at that moment,", "Kevin thought back\nto his earlier rule...", "This real therapist\nwon't risk", "upsetting his wonderful\nnew girlfriend", "by analyzing her\nwonderful friends.", "...and threw it out the window.", "You're all the most\ncodependent, incestuous,", "controlling group of\npeople I've ever met!", "By the way, you all look\ngreat, especially Robin.", "Oh, mm-mm.", "This is so great.", "Right? See, if we'd\nresearched each other,", "we'd both be secretly\nsteering the conversation", "one way or the other.", "But this is\nmore exciting, right?", "Way more exciting.", "I mean, we can talk\nabout anything we want.", "Anything.", "So...", "...how was the traffic\ngetting here?", "You picked me up\nat my apartment.", "I certainly did.", "Oh, my God,", "I've lost the ability to talk\nto girls without the Internet.", "My brain is\ncompletely shutting down.", "So, are you folks gonna have\ndinner or just drinks?", "I-I don't know.", "What the hell\nwas that, Kevin?", "We're all crazy just because", "I'm looking up some stuff\non the Internet,", "and Barney wants\nto know the baby's gender?", "Well, to be honest,", "I noticed some\nother disturbing...", "Never mind.", "It's nothing. I'm sorry.", "I gots to know!", "Okay, last night alone...", "When-When are you coming back?", "Because I miss you, silly!", "Wait, who's he talking to?", "Shh, I'll be back soon.", "Yeah, you want me\nto bring you a pretzel?", "Ted's texting me\nfrom the bathroom.", "Oh.", "I don't get it.", "It's just a \"C\" with an apostrophe.\n- Oh.", "Oh, yeah.", "Sometimes when one\nof us is on the can,", "we'll, uh, sneak a peek\nand then text each other,", "you know.", "Symbols to describe what your\nbowel movement looks like?", "This morning,\nI took an ampersand.", "Last summer,\nI dropped a deuce", "that actually looked\nlike the number two!", "When you worked\nlate Wednesday,", "I... I got\nlonely and...", "I watched Survivor\nwithout you.", "Practically the only unhealthy\nbehavior I didn't see", "from you people\nwas physical violence.", "Yeah.", "At least we don't do that.", "And to top it off,", "all the meddling\nin Ted's love life,", "not to mention Lily's pregnancy?", "It all strikes me as\njust deeply dysfunctional.", "So what you're saying is,\nwe're fine?", "So, while this font is often", "mistaken for Helvetica,", "the fact is...", "it's Helvetica Bold.", "I can actually hear the sound", "of her vagina being boarded up.", "I got to be honest, Janet.", "First of all...\nthis is Times New Roman.", "Second, I'm having trouble", "coming up with things\nto talk about.", "You? I'm sitting here thinking,", "\"Damn it, I wish I had something\nas good as that font thing.", "That's gold.\"", "Guys, I'm so sorry\nI said anything.", "Um, you basically called\nmy friends mentally ill.", "Yeah, you think some lame\napology will fix that?", "What if I just paint the rest\nof the room by myself?", "Apology accepted.", "Okay, let's do this.", "Let-Let's find out\neach other's likes and dislikes.", "Start with something\ntotally random.", "Like, um, oh, I don't know.", "Are you a fan of--\nI don't know--", "Annie Hall?", "I'm guessing that's not random\nat all, and you use that movie", "to test whether a girl is cool?", "No, it's-it's the first movie\nthat popped into...", "I love Annie Hall.\nOh, thank God you're cool.", "But just as things started", "to go well\nwith Janet McIntyre...", "Whoa. I just found\nJanet McIntyre.", "The Janet McIntyre.", "Sweet... mother... of God!", "Uh, well, I got to\nrun to the restroom.", "No internet, Mister.", "If you find out my deep, dark\nsecret, I'll have to kill you.", "It's just my friends\nchecking up on me.", "I'll politely let them know\nwe're having a lovely time.", "Okay.", "Ted says, \"I'm not clicking on\nthe link, so leave me alone.\"", "And then either texted me a\nbunch of symbols for profanity,", "or got food poisoning", "and dropped the weirdest deuce\nof all time.", "You guys have\nto see this.", "No. We're with\nTed on this.", "We don't want to\nfind out about Janet,", "just like we don't want to\nfind out about the baby.", "Because we like mystery,", "whether it's the hairy\nmajesty of Bigfoot,", "or the bloodsucking ferocity\nof the Chupacabra,", "or the gender\nof our little miracle.", "Thanks for putting\nthose together", "in the same\nsentence, sweetie.", "Mm.", "Look, if you guys don't want\nto know, how about this?", "Let me look,\nand I won't tell you.", "Absolutely not.\nFine.", "Baby, if it will shut him up,", "what's the harm?", "Can I...?", "This may have been a mistake.", "Boy!", "Do I like babies!", "Girl!", "...friend,", "your hair looks\nfantastic!", "Twins!", "was the feel-good movie of 1988.", "Okay, Barney, hey, it doesn't\nmatter what you guys say.", "We're not gonna cave.", "Yes, we are!", "Oh, just open\nyour eyes.", "This gender-neutral\nyellow is horrible!", "We're clearly gonna paint\nover the whole thing!", "That's what you want to hear.", "I gots to know!", "Yeah.", "\"It's a...\"", "It's a...", "Where is the rest\nof the card?", "I ripped it in half.", "I knew you'd be\ndesperate to see it,", "and I'll give it to you.", "All you have to do is admit\nthat mystery is stupid", "by reading\nabout Janet McIntyre.", "This is in no way\nemotional extortion.", "You guys are great.", "Fine, we'll look\nat your laptop.", "Sweet...", "mother... of God.", "I can't really see\nthe computer screen.", "It just went down\nthe wrong pipe.", "Whoa.", "If Lily and Marshall want me\nto click on it,", "maybe Janet really does have\na deep, dark secret.", "What's going on?", "I'm a prostitute.", "You didn't think I was", "actually into you, did you?", "Sort of.", "Get it together, Mosby.", "Oh.", "You don't buy beer,\nyou rent it.", "Am I right?", "This is the\nmen's room.", "I know.", "I'm a dude.", "Listen, there's something\nyou should know.", "I lied.", "I only kind of liked Annie Hall.", "I gots to know!", "Sweet...", "mother... of God.", "Hey.", "Ted, are you okay?\nYou look freaked out.", "I'm not freaked out.", "I was freaked out. Why?", "'Cause I had just discovered\nthat Janet McIntyre was...", "amazing!", "And just like that,\nthe wall went up.", "Okay, he looked at\nJanet McIntyre's", "Internet\nextravaganza.", "Here's the other half\nof the card.", "Wait. Should we\ndo this? I...", "I don't know.\nI mean, my soul says no,", "but these hideous\nyellow walls scream yes.", "Should I just stop, or...?", "Sweet mother of God!", "A dog in Ottawa ran all the way\nto Saskatoon!", "What?", "We figured out the Janet thing.", "I'm catching up on Canada.", "You're with me on this, right?", "Otherwise, I can go down,\nand I can get the card.", "Absolutely.", "Oh, thank you.", "And so the gender\nremained a secret,", "but Janet McIntyre's life\nno longer was.", "There was only one problem.", "Ted, what's going on?", "Nothing.", "Did I mention\nthat I'm the youngest architect", "in New York history\nto have a skyscraper built?", "Oh.\nSo, I'm not quite", "as far beneath you\nas you might think.", "Why would I think that?", "No reason, but this one time\nin sixth grade,", "I saw a raccoon trapped\nin a gutter, and I told my dad,", "and the firemen came\nand got it out,", "so it's not like I pulled a baby\nfrom a creek or anything,", "but at least\nI didn't ignore it", "and keep lighting bugs on fire\nwith my magnifying glass.", "We had one promise,\nand you broke it.", "What are you talking about?", "You looked me up, and now\nyou find me intimidating.", "Why-Why would I find you\nintimidating, okay?", "It's not like\nI donated a kidney,", "but I donated blood once,", "although I wound up fainting,", "and they had to put it\nall back in.", "I was so excited about this.", "But now you're just a blubbering\nidiot like the rest of them.", "No, I ain't!", "I mean, no, I never do\nthat thing you says.", "What I mean is,\nyou gooder than me", "no make difference!", "And that's that.", "I wish to God I'd never\nclicked on that link.", "I'm sorry, Ted.", "We were just\ntrying to help.", "I said it was meddling\nand manipulative,", "but Kevin insisted we butt in.", "No, it's my fault.", "I never should have looked.", "In the battle\nof mystery versus history,", "it's best\nnot to know.", "Lily Pad?", "What?", "We're having a boy.", "We're having a boy.", "We're having a boy!\nYou're having a boy!", "We're having a...\nwe're having a boy.", "We're having a boy.", "We're having\na boy.", "I'll go buy\nsome blue paint.", "It needs sharpening.", "You see? I told you three days\nwould go by in no time.", "Phineas, take us up!", "Well, in case\nyou were wondering,", "it rained the entire time\nI was in the Caribbean.", "Thank you for asking."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E07 Noretta": ["Kids, in the fall of 2011,", "all of my friends\nwere in relationships.", "So when Barney's brother James\ncame to visit,", "it created\na slight logistical problem.", "We're gonna need a bigger booth.", "I'm gonna go\nto the loo.", "I don't actually\nhave to go,", "I just want a seat\nall to myself.", "So, would anyone care\nto ask me where", "Nora and I are\ngoing tonight?", "Don't ask him.\nIt's a trap.", "Where you going?\n- Come on, man, for God's sake!", "Bootytown, Kevin!", "We are finally going\nto Bootytown.", "And that's why\nwe don't ask him.", "I'm thinking I'm gonna hop on\nthe Long Thighland Expressway,", "stop off for a nibble\nin Breastport,", "and then, with any luck,", "I'll be pulling into\nthe Pork Authority by midnight.", "Wait. You're finally\ngoing to Bootytown?", "Look, we just don't want\nto rush anything, okay?", "So we decided to wait\nuntil she decides", "to let me have sex\nwith her.", "And that's\ngonna be tonight!", "How do you\nknow for sure?", "Ah, something\nshe said earlier.", "Guess what, my sweet boy,", "I've got a special treat\nfor you tonight.", "Oh, yeah, you're going\nto Bootytown.", "Hello again, my darlings.", "Barney, I hope you're ready\nfor tonight.", "Because you're gonna have\nto use muscles", "you haven't used in years.", "I am?", "Yes.", "And I hope you have\nsome aspirin at home,", "because your arse is gonna be\nkilling you tomorrow.", "It is?", "Indeed.", "Because tonight...", "I'm strapping on this.", "We're going skating!", "The Pork Authority's\nclosed.", "Looks like it's Hand\nCentral Station", "for you, little buddy.", "So that's your special treat?", "Ice skating?", "Of course.", "And after that,\nwe're gonna shag.", "We're going ice skating,\neverybody!", "Ask me what\nI think of Nora.", "What do you think of Nora?", "Lovely girl.", "Ask me what\nI really think of her.", "What do you really\nthink of her?", "Guys, she's great, seriously.", "Just drop it.", "Ask me one more time.", "What do you really think?", "Fine! If you really must know,", "I do not like Barney\nwith that woman!", "Happy?", "What could you possibly\nnot like about Nora?", "Her hair?\nHer mousy little nose?", "The way she does\neverything perfectly?", "I mean, what's not to like?", "It's not that I don't like her.\nIt's just...", "She's our mom.", "What do you mean,\nshe's your mom?", "Everything about her\nis vaguely our mom-like.", "The British accent...", "Hello again, my darlings.", "Mom's obsessed\nwith Julie Andrews,", "so when we were growing up...", "Hello again, my darlings.", "Come here, you.\n- Hey.", "And the way she hugs him.", "Left hand on the nape\nof the neck,", "three gentle strokes on\nthe back with the right?", "Come here, you.", "Trademark Loretta Stinson.", "But here's the clincher...", "Guess what, my sweet boy.", "Guess what\nmy sweet boy.", "I've got a special treat\nfor you tonight.", "I've got a special\ntreat for you tonight.", "Ice cream!", "They're coming.\nBe cool.", "Forgot my raincoat.", "That makes one of us.", "Well, shall we?", "We shall.", "Ooh, don't wear out\nthat tongue, Barney.", "Don't wait up.", "I mean, sure, Barney has slept", "with plenty\nof other people's mothers.", "But now he's gonna sleep\nwith ours?", "Psychologically speaking,\nit's perfectly normal", "to wind up with someone\nlike your parents.", "Thanks to my mom, I'll probably\nwind up with someone", "who loves my brother\nmore than me.", "Well, psychologically\nspeaking,", "I'm gonna go\nthrow up now.", "Oh...", "Ugh! This baby\nis making it", "so I can't button\nmy pants anymore.", "Big whoop.\nIn 55 years,", "I don't think my dad\nbuttoned his pants even once.", "And somehow, despite\nsweet talk like that,", "I don't feel sexy anymore.", "Are you kidding?", "I mean, you're-you're\neven sexier now", "that you're rounding out.", "I mean, you're even\nmore sexy simply", "because there's so\nmuch more of you.", "I'm never gonna get\nin the mood while", "your mammoth Eriksen seed\nis muffin-topping", "the bodiddly out of me.", "Are you saying,\n\"No erky-erky", "until this baby\npops out\"?", "Okay, that's it.", "I-I am making it my mission\nto help you feel sexy again.", "I don't care how much\nmore bloated you get.", "I'll get the\nnext round!", "Kevin!\nYay, Kevin, thank you!", "So, Ted, you're cool", "with Kevin, right?", "I know he's been\nover a lot lately.", "Oh, yeah, yeah, Kevin's great.", "I mean, there was, like,\none weird thing the other day...", "He was just standing\nthere in his boxers?", "Yeah.", "I'll talk to him.", "Ted...", "be honest.", "You'd bang Lily, right?", "So, later that night,", "Barney and Nora went skating.", "Hey, kid, you know\nhow your mom won't", "let you have ice cream\ntill after dinner?", "But then the waiting\nkind of makes it taste better?", "Well, I've been waiting\ntwo months", "for that bowl\nof ice cream.", "And tonight,\nI'm gonna have sex with it.", "Look, Barney,\none foot!", "Oh!", "Now, kids, for most guys,", "this would have meant\nthe end of the date.", "But your Uncle Barney\nis not most guys.", "I can turn this around.", "Well, I'm impressed\nthat you know", "a 24-hour dentist.", "Oh, yeah.", "He can also give you tattoos,", "do your taxes\nand alter a suit.", "But I wouldn't trust him\nwith a suit 'cause...", "Speaking of drinking,\nyou want to...?", "No, Barney.", "Tonight's been\na disaster.", "I think we should just\ncall it a night.", "No! Come on, Nora,", "your tooth can't be that bad.\nLet me see.", "W-Which is the fake one again?", "You look beautiful.", "Mmm.", "All right, maybe I could go\nfor one more drink.", "Great.", "It's funny.", "Sometimes the most\nromantic moments", "can just creep up on you...", "I can turn this around.", "Hey, um,", "should've mentioned this before,\nbut, um, Ted and I prefer", "that our guests remain\nfully clothed in", "the public areas\nof the apartment.", "Been some complaints.", "Did Ted say something?", "Oh, th-there's been\nsome complaints.", "Not pointing any fingers\nor anything,", "but let's just keep\nthose pants on, okay? Good talk.", "Well, if Ted said that,", "I've got something to complain\nTed's nuts.", "Okay, yes, Ted is a little\nneurotic, but I wouldn't say...", "No, no, no, I mean Ted's nuts.", "Hi.", "Hey.", "So what? It's his apartment.", "You're taking his side?", "Wait, this isn't\none of those classic", "\"You still have feelings\nfor your ex-boyfriend,", "\"who's oddly also your roommate,", "\"which for the record\nI'm totally cool with,", "\"even though everybody\ntells me I've walked", "into a bear trap\" things, is it?", "No, I just, I feel bad.", "Ted's going through\nsome stuff right now.", "You eyeballing his deal\nis the most action", "he's gotten in months.", "I'll be nice to him.", "So, I was trying\nto think of how", "to best express\nhow sexy you are to me.", "A song? A poem?", "a board game!", "You just get women.", "No, no, no, you'll like this.", "We answer risqu\u00c3\u00a9 questions\nand perform spicy dares", "to slowly move up\nyour shapely legs.", "I call it Chutes and Lilies.", "I would've guessed Monopo-Lily.", "Yeah, that would've been better.", "Okay, game play.", "Roll the die to see\nwho goes first,", "forfeit a turn on a pass--\nintended for two-to-six players.", "As Marshall explained the many\nrules of Chutes and Lilies,", "Lily thought back\nto what Kevin said in the bar.", "It's perfectly normal to wind up\nwith someone like your parents.", "And then she thought of\nthe only other man she knew", "who loved board games\nthat much.", "I brought Diseases!", "Marshgammon.", "Dog Fight Promoter!", "Lilial Pursuit.", "And that's how you play\nthe game.", "Oh, wait.", "I forgot to tell you\nwhat happens", "if I land on \"community chest.\"", "Honk-honk.", "I just want to go home,", "take a long bath\nand go to bed.", "No!", "I mean, come on.", "My place is so much closer.", "I'll-I'll draw you a bath,", "pour you some champagne,\nwe can forget all about this.", "All right,\nthat sounds good.", "That bath was\nwonderful.", "Thank you.\n- Of course.", "What do you say we go\nout on the balcony,", "get some fresh air?", "Ooh, that sounds lovely.", "What a beautiful view.", "I couldn't agree more.", "Good-bye, cruel world!", "Oh, my God!", "I can turn this around.", "Shh.", "Ooh!", "Ooh! Date night.", "You know what? I'll just,\njust watch this in my room.", "Already had dinner in there,\nwhy not a movie?", "You should join us.", "Yeah, join us.", "No! No, no, no, no, no.\nThree's a crowd.", "Besides, you guys wouldn't\nwant to watch this anyway.", "Try us.", "Well, have you seen Die Hard?", "Um, yes.", "Okay, the guy who played Argyle", "produced this documentary\nabout coin collecting.", "Now, I know my sexy\nlittle lady can't resist", "a bubble bath,\nespecially one", "with rose petals.", "Oh, thanks, baby.", "How about a sensual backrub?", "Mm.", "Oh.\n- What's the matter, Lilypad?", "You love my backrubs.", "Ah. I-I do... very much.", "Good, because I got you\na brand-", "new...", "loofah!", "Oh, yeah!", "Rubs... oh, yeah!", "Trying to watch the coin\ndocumentary over here.", "Hey, Ted, ever figure out who\nyou're taking to that concert?", "No.", "You want to go?\n- Sure.", "Really?\n- Awesome!", "It's a date!", "Now, Kevin,\nas a trained psychologist,", "knew the appropriate way\nto voice his displeasure.", "I think we need\nto calmly discuss", "the relationship dynamics\nat play here.", "I'm uncomfortable\nwith how close you two are", "as roommates, given your\nparticular romantic history.", "Instead, he took\na different approach.", "Aw, hell no!", "If you can go on a date\nwith my girlfriend,", "I don't have to wear pants\nin your apartment!", "I can't wait till\nthis baby comes out", "so we can get started\non another one.", "Then again,", "why wait?\nEw, wait...", "Get off of me!", "Damn it!", "Ever since Kevin said", "it's normal to wind up\nwith your parents,", "I... I keep picturing yo\nas my dad.", "Lily, that theory is crazy-town.", "How do you know?", "Because my mother is\nsix-foot-three,", "she buys her clothes\nat the drugstore,", "and she prefers\nto trap her own dinner.", "I love you more than anything,", "and you're nothing like her.", "Aw.", "Now, that's how\nyou turn a girl on.", "Mm...\n- Mm...", "But then Marshall\nreally started thinking", "about Kevin's theory.", "Midnight snack.", "Midnight snack.", "Mmm.", "Oh, yeah.", "Oh, yeah...!", "I am gonna rock...", "your...", "world.", "Yay.", "If it's any consolation,", "the, uh... the guy stole my\nWall Street Journal once.", "So... guess the world's kind\nof a better place without...", "Oh, God, this\nnight's ruined.", "Oh, come here, you.", "Yes, it's been\na very tough night,", "but I still think\nwe can turn this around.", "Really?", "Why not?", "No sense in letting things\nget us down.", "How does that song\ngo again?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Raindrops on roses\nand whiskers on kittens \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Bright copper kettles\nand warm woolen mittens \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Brown paper packages tied up\nwith strings \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa These are a few\nof my favorite things \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa When the dog bites \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa When the bee stings \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa When I'm feeling sad \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I simply remember\nmy favorite things \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And then I don't feel \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa So bad. \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Mommy, no.", "I want to thank you,\nbaby, for reminding me of", "what a vivacious woman I am.", "Yeah.", "No, uh, no need really.", "Whoa, but I've been\nsuch a naughty girl.", "Maybe I need a spanking.", "Great. We'll...", "we'll just skip\nthe board games", "and get right down to me\nmaking love to you.", "Oh...", "Okay, good, 'cause", "I'm gonna ride you\nlike an unbroken stallion.", "Okay.", "Giddyup, cowgirl.", "No, I can't go\nthrough with this!", "Thank God, me neither!", "You're too much\nlike my dad.", "You're too much\nlike my dad.", "Your dad?!", "Okay, dropping trou--\nbad idea.", "We're moving on from that.", "This guy is a snake.", "What?! No.", "Ted? He's a nice guy.", "A really, really nice guy.", "You should be more like him.", "Mom, right on schedule.", "What?\n- Nothing.", "I'm just saying,\nyou think he's so fragile,", "and yet...\nWhoa, whoa, whoa, fragile?", "You think I'm fragile?", "Yeah, fragile like a fox.", "First, he tries", "scaring me off\nwith his little peep show.", "Then he crashes our movie.", "Now, he's got tickets to\nsome super romantic concert.", "It's Weird Al Yankovic.", "Okay. But still, who's the first\nperson he asked to go with him?", "My girlfriend.", "Oh, man. Okay.", "You think I'm the first\nperson Ted asked?", "Ted, am I the first person\nyou asked?", "Marshall...!", "You, me, Weird Al.", "No thanks, Ted.", "Barney...!", "I got two tickets\nto Weird Al Yan...", "Barney?", "Lily...!", "Come on! You'll be\nthe hottest girl there!", "Okay, you'll be\nthe only girl there.", "Stuart...!", "Claudia...!", "Brad...!", "Nat-alie...!", "Trudy...!", "Ranjit...!", "Carl the bartender...!", "Dude from my bodega...!", "Steam cleaning coupon guy...!", "Mom...!", "Please? I'll fly you out.", "I don't think so.", "I'm sorry, sweet pea.", "Is Clint there?", "No.", "Wow. You really\nare pretty fragile.", "Look, I'm trying to explain\nto you guys that I'm...", "Well, how do you\nexpect me to feel?!", "I mean, all I want", "is for someone to go\nto a Weird Al concert with me,", "and I'm stuck going\nwith my roommate.", "Yeah, I might have to\nrain-check you there, buddy.", "I'm not a Weird Al fan.", "He's just a rip-off\nof Peculiar Jacques.", "Guess I'm going to\nthis concert alone.", "I'll be that weird guy.", "I mean, that\nother weird guy.", "You know, there is one guy\nyou didn't ask yet.", "Someone who happens to be\nthe biggest Weird Al fan", "in the whole world.", "Kevin...?", "Ted...!", "Oh! Oh, you are gonna flip\nwhen you see our tickets.", "They're in the shape\nof an accordion.", "What?!", "So, uh, you\nlike Weird Al?", "Not in the slightest.", "No, dude, I'm the biggest\nWeird Al fan.", "I know,\nI'm agreeing with you.", "Do you know that I gave him the\nidea for \"Like a Surgeon.\" Yeah.", "Yeah. I wrote him a fan letter,\nand then a few months later...", "Bam!\nTop of the charts!", "You guys can eat it.", "Just... eat it.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "How'd it go with Nora?", "Well, among other things,", "I realized\nNora's a lot like my mom.", "I'll bet that\nruined things, huh?", "Come on. Barney Stinson\nalways turns it around.", "How?\n- Simple.", "I turned...\nit... around.", "Oh...\nUh-huh? Uh-huh?", "So the mom thing wasn't\na total deal breaker, huh?", "No!", "Guys, my mom is\nthe best person I know.", "If Nora's even the tiniest bit\nlike her, I'm a lucky guy.", "Hey, you know what?", "I'm a real lucky guy.", "'Cause I married my dad.", "Aw.", "So, uh, you want\nto go get luckier?", "Bye, guys.", "See ya.", "So, what should\nwe do now?", "\"We\" should do nothing.", "You guys get out of here,\ngo watch your movie.", "I'm fine. Really.", "You sure?\n- Yeah.", "Thanks, buddy.", "Uh, hey... hey, Kevin.", "I think I'm a clone now.", "I'm sorry.", "Were you just quoting Weird Al?", "I was indeed.", "I'm a huge Weird Al fan.", "Well, then I need\nto buy you a drink.", "I'll have a glass of champagne,\nsweet pea.", "One glass of champa--", "Sweet pea?", "Sure. Meeting\na fellow Weird Al fan?", "That's cause\nfor celebration.", "Bottle of bubbly,\ncoming right up!", "\"Dear Mr. Yankovic,", "\"my name is Ted Mosby...", "\"eight years old...", "'Eat It' changed my life...\"", "Blah, blah, blah.", "Uhp. Here we go.", "\"I have some ideas\nfor new songs you could do.\"", "Why can't they just\nleave me alone?!", "\"Wake Me Up Before You Pogo.\"", "Spend a whole afternoon\non that one?", "\"Like a Surgeon.\"", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I finally made it\nthrough med school \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Somehow I made it through,\nooh... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Vinny!", "Start recording!"], "How I Met Your Mother S07E08 Perfect On Paper": ["Kids, for years, your Uncle Barney", "had reveled in mocking\nAunt Robin's Canadian heritage.", "To have to grow up\nin Canada...", "with America right there.", "It's like an entire country\nwithout a tailor.", "Why? Why do we let\nyou be a country?!", "But all that was about\nto change.", "I was on Facebook.", "Nobody cool's\non Facebook anymore.", "Well, you know who is\non Facebook now?", "Everybody's parents.", "And I just happen\nto be friends", "with Barney's long-lost father,", "Mr. Jerome Whitaker.\n- Me, too.", "He's gotten really good\nat Bejeweled Blitz.", "And guess who thought my status\nupdate about Manitoba was", "so interesting because his\nmother was born in Manitoba?", "What?", "Which means your grandmother...", "No...", "Which makes you...", "Don't say it!", "...one-quarter Canadian!", "Welcome to the tribe, hoser!", "No...", "it's not true!", "That's impossible!", "Once upon a time\nat a Halloween party,", "I met a girl\ndressed like a pumpkin...", "a slutty pumpkin.", "And she was extraordinary.", "But she gave me her number\non a Kit Kat bar,", "which was tragically given away\nas Halloween candy.", "So every year I return\nto that same party", "hoping I'd see her again.", "But with every passing October,\nthat hope grew a little dimmer.", "Then one day, after ten years\nof searching...", "Oh, my God.", "The slutty pumpkin.", "This might sound creepy,\nbut do you have a record", "of who rented it in 2001?", "Wow, that was easy.", "You're not the first lovelorn\nyoung man", "to walk through that door.", "Three girls got proposals off", "my wife's slutty artichoke\ncostume.", "Two others disappeared,\nbut I focus on the positive.", "I couldn't believe it.\nI actually had her address.", "I knew I had\nto play this right.", "It's not like I could just walk\nup and knock on her door.", "Hi, you probably\ndon't remember me, but...", "Halloween, ten years ago.", "Now that's a slow play.", "The next day,\nLily and Marshall headed out", "to Lily's grandparents\nfor dinner.", "Marshall loved it\nout in the 'burbs.", "Look how many fireflies\nI caught!", "Don't forget to poke holes\nin the jar this time.", "Now we have\na nice surprise for you.", "Whatever it is,\nwe're saying no.", "What?\n- You know what.", "Every time we're here,", "my grandparents stick us with\nsome big old piece of junk", "they're getting rid of.", "It's like the world's worst\nShowcase Showdown.", "It's a perfectly\nusable lawnmower!", "We live in an apartment!", "But maybe someday", "when we move to the suburbs...", "We're never moving\nto the suburbs!", "And you also get...", "this skinny microphone!", "Oh!", "Before we head out\nto our place in Florida,", "we wanted to give\nour favorite granddaughter", "a little something.", "Ooh, it's so small.\nI love it!", "A key?\n- We're giving you the house.", "Lily, I know you've\nalways hated the suburbs...", "We'll take it!", "For my first date\nwith the slutty pumpkin,", "I took her someplace special.", "Ted, this is so romantic.", "The spot where\nwe first met", "ten years ago.", "Do you remember the song\nthat was playing that night?", "I remember how beautiful\nyou looked.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa It's been one week\nsince you looked at me \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Cocked your head to the side\nand said, \"I'm angry.\" \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Is that, uh,\nthe Barenaked Ladies, huh?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Five days since you laughed\nat me \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Saying, \"Get that together.\nCome back and see me.\" \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Kids, it took me ten years,\nbut I finally kissed her.", "And it was... terrible.", "Lily, you hate the suburbs.", "I know, but my grandparents\ngiving us a house", "right when\nthe baby's on the way?", "It's perfect timing.", "This is great.\nI'm finally gonna be able", "to barbecue with\nproper ventilation.", "Marshall!", "We're moving\nto the suburbs, baby!", "Oh...", "Okay.", "Baby, you're not moving\nto the suburbs.", "Why not?", "Lily is only agreeing", "to all this because\nof Pregnancy Brain.", "Pregnancy Brain?\nThat's not a thing.", "It's totally a thing.", "Her brain is marinating in\na cocktail of hormones,", "mood swings and jacked-up\nnesting instincts.", "I mean, yes, right now\nLily is a goddess", "bestowing the\nmiracle of life,", "but damn, she dumb!", "Well, I have noticed some stuff.", "I can't find my keys\nor wallet anywhere!", "I found them...", "here in the freezer.", "Hey, but where are\nthe ice cube trays?", "No idea.", "Those poor ice cubes!", "I guess she has been\na little off lately.", "A little? She just texted me", "wanting directions back\nfrom the bathroom.", "Oh. We're over here!", "You're doing great, sweetie!", "That moron should not be making\nbig life decisions right now.", "If you let her move\nto the suburbs,", "it would be like taking\nadvantage", "of a helpless drunk chick.", "What? Where?!", "Oh, I got a girlfriend, right.", "Baby, we should put\noff moving.", "Why?", "Because I think\nthe pregnancy is", "affecting your judgment.", "No, Marshall, this is\nan amazing opportunity", "that we have\nto take advantage of!", "Just because my body\nis growing a fungus...", "Fetus.", "...doesn't mean that my metal\nfactories...", "Mental faculties.", "...are in any way funicular.", "No idea.", "Mmm...", "This is nice.\nWhat is this?", "Canadian whiskey.", "I want scotch!", "American scotch\nfrom Scotland!", "Get that swill\naway from me!", "Why are you doing\nthis to me?", "You have been ripping\non Canada", "since Justin Bieber was\nknee-high to a snow blower.", "So now this Canuck's\ngonna beat on you", "like the drummer from Yukon\nBlonde hopped up on Timbits.", "Hey.\n- Hey!", "How was your", "big date with\nthe Snuffy Tuffkin?", "The Sniffy Napkin?", "The Slouchy Foreskin?", "Lily tie-tie.", "It was good... ish.", "Look, there's Orion's Belt.", "Oh.", "Why does holding hands feel\nthis weird?", "Should our fingers\nnot intertwine?", "What's causing that\npinching feeling?", "I'll just cup her hand.", "There. That's...", "not great.", "Her hair's up my nose.", "Her shoulder's jabbing\ninto my windpipe.", "Maybe if we reposition.", "I have to say something.", "She must be feeling it, too.", "This feels so right.", "We fit like two puzzle pieces.", "Yeah.", "Ted, I know you've waited\nten years for this girl,", "but some things\njust aren't meant to be.", "Not so fast.\nAt the end of the night,", "when I leaned in and somehow\naccidentally kissed", "her open eyeball, there was a\nslight flicker of something", "I might even call chemistry...", "adjacent.", "Thank you.", "Wait.", "Where is my cash?", "Oh, yeah,", "I did a little exchange\nfor ya, Canucklehead.", "This Canadian dollar here\nis called a \"loonie.\"", "And this two-dollar coin?\nA \"toonie.\" True story.", "It's federal currency\nand you people talk about it", "like it's a Hannah-\nBarbera character.", "Not you people, Barney.", "Our people.", "Even though my first date\nwith Naomi was", "a little awkward,", "our second date was\na lot awkward.", "Mmm...!", "This is the worst\nkissing of all time!", "Mmm...", "How could she possibly\nbe into this?", "She sounds like\nthose cows in", "Temple Grandin's\nhug machines.", "Do you want to listen\nto some music?", "Uh-huh!", "Ted, this is our song.", "Let's make love to this song.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Chickety China,\nthe Chinese chicken \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Have a drumstick\nand your brain stops tickin' \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Yeah, I just gotta run\nto the bathroom.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa X-Files with no lights on,\nwe're dans la maison. \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Hey, doofus!", "It's me:\nyou at age 15.", "And we made a deal", "we would always boink any chick\nthat wants to boink us!", "Yes, she's beautiful,", "it's just there's\nno connection there.", "I don't feel intimate with her.", "\"Intimate\"? Let me remind you\nof some things", "you did feel \"intimate\" with\nwhen you were 15:", "a catcher's mitt,", "an oven mitt,\na glass of warm water,", "a half-open hide-a-bed sofa,\na top-loading VCR!", "It's not gonna happen!", "Come on!", "It'll take, like, 30 seconds!", "Naomi, listen...", "Shh...", "You like that, Ted?", "Hmm.", "Do you ike it\nwhen I caress your hair?", "Your hair is\nso nice to caress.", "Why is she saying that word?", "I like to caress your hair.", "There it is again! \"Caress!\"\nWho says that?", "Caress.", "The thing is,\nI like her, okay?", "I really, really like her.", "I just don't seem to like\nanything she says or does.", "I have to break up\nwith her, don't I?", "Yes!", "After you sleep with her, yes!", "Marshall, I've been thinking\nabout what you said.", "You're right, we shouldn't\nmove to the suburbs.", "Let's not make any huge life\ndecisions right now.", "Is this because you tried\nto make waffles", "with the laptop this morning?", "Anyway, I'm gonna call\na real estate broker", "to come look at the\nhouse tomorrow.", "Oh, by the way,", "I ordered those Minnesota\nVikings drapes.", "You're right, they're totally\ngonna class up our apartment.", "Okay, yes. It's wrong\nto bang a drunk chick.", "But you're an idiot if you don't\nget, like, a little something.", "Yo, Canada.", "What? Dammit!", "Ha, you answer to \"Canada\" now.", "I'll make you a deal.", "You wear this costume", "to the Halloween party\ntomorrow night,", "I'll drop it forever.", "You can't be serious.", "Oh, I am as serious\nas a poutine shortage", "in Chicoutimi during\na curling bonspiel.", "I don't know what\nany of those words mean.", "Yes. You do.", "Oh, that must be the broker.\nMarshall, will you get it?", "Sure. Of course.", "Trick or treat!", "Oh, my gosh. How cute!", "I'm sorry, we don't\nhave any candy.", "Um, we forgot about\ntrick-or-treaters.", "We don't get any where we live.", "Yup. Only get this\nkind of cuteness", "in the suburbs.", "Oh. Look at how sweet and\nhappy and unarmed they all are!", "Are you using adorable\nlittle children in costumes", "to manipulate me?\n- Bye!", "I mean, did you even call\na real estate broker?", "No.", "I've got Pregnancy Brain\nlike a fiddle", "and I've been playing\nyou like a fox.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Oh, Canada... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Our home and native land... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "I knew it would be tough\nto break up with Naomi.", "But when it's just not there,\nyou can't force it.", "Happy Halloween.", "And just like that, I was\ntaken back ten years...", "to the hopeful kid in\nthe hanging chad costume,", "falling head over heels\nfor the Slutty Pumpkin.", "I made you something.", "Oh.\n- Your costume from that first night.", "Although you do realize\nthat even ten years ago,", "the hanging chad reference\nwas like almost a year old.", "Wow...", "I can't believe you made this.", "I can't believe you found me.", "Stay strong, Teddy.\nWe can do this.", "I...", "\"Have to break up with you,\"\njust say it.", "Love...\nWait, what?", "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!", "Say sunsets!\nPancakes! Anything!", "Just don't say...", "You.", "No!", "Barney? Where are you?", "You're moving slower\nthan John Diefenbaker", "climbing Mount Hungabee\non Boxing Day.", "Those are all real references\nto our shared homeland.", "I'll be right there.", "Can't wait to see you in your\ncostume, Dudley Do-Right.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Living in America \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Ow! \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Eye to eye \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Station to station \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Living in America \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Hand in hand \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Across the nation \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Living in America \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Got to have a celebration \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Rock my soul \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Ow! \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "If we move here, you're just\ngoing to have that baby,", "and then you're going to hate me", "for letting you do this.\nI'm going to love it here.", "Oh, we'd have so much\nroom in the suburbs.", "You can get that pinball\nmachine you've always wanted.", "You can put it\nanywhere you want.", "Stop it. You don't\nknow what you're saying.", "Anywhere.", "Upstairs, downstairs...", "you can stick it in the back.", "Lily, I want to be\ninside this house so bad.", "USA! USA!", "USA!", "Come on!", "Okay, so rather than\nwearing a Mountie costume", "and end this forever,", "you show up shirtless\nto an outdoor party?", "It's practically November.", "No biggie. I ain't cold.", "Huh. Interesting.", "It's fascinating.", "Almost as if your body was\naccustomed to low temperatures", "after generations of adapting.", "Canada.", "No.", "Guys, hey. Robin,\nBarney, this is Naomi.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "Nice to meet you guys.", "I'm gonna go make some Tootsie\nRolls. It's a drink I invented.", "There's a song and dance", "that goes along with it,\nbut I have to", "drink three of them\nbefore I can do it.", "Oh.\nOkay. You go.", "This way.", "Sounds delicious.\nIn theory.", "But you never know\nuntil you taste it.", "Ted... have you tasted\nher Tootsie Roll?", "Of course not.", "Ow.\n- Wait. Have you?", "You had sex with someone you\nhave zero feelings for!", "U-S-A!", "U-S...", "Stop it.", "Just no part of it felt right.", "At first there was too much\neye contact, then not enough.", "Where do you look during sex?", "Um, into the hidden camera\nat future me watching it.", "Okay. Wait. How does", "saying \"I want to break up\nwith you\" lead into sex?", "I didn't say \"I want to\nbreak up with you,\" exactly.", "What did you say, exactly?", "\"I love you.\"", "Classic Schmosby.", "Marshall, this house\nwants you so bad.", "\"Mow my lawn.", "\"Rake my leaves.", "Winterize my pipes\"\"", "Yes!", "Yes! I'm coming...", "to terms with this decision!", "Oh!", "Trick or treat!", "Yay!", "Okay.", "Oh.", "Happy Halloween.", "Lily.\n- Yeah?", "You just gave\nthose children", "a stapler,\na pair of sharp scissors,", "and a pretty decent\nPinot Noir.", "I did?", "Oh, my God.", "I'm going to miss\nthat stapler so much.", "I'm not doing\nso great, am I?", "Maybe not.", "We shouldn't make any\nhuge life decisions", "right now, should we?", "Hey, look, I love you and\nI-I love the idea of raising", "our kids with a lawn\nand a white picket fence,", "but we have our whole lives\nto decide when", "and if we want\nto do that.", "Do what?", "Let's get you home.", "Ooh.", "That's for the stapler!", "I hate the suburbs.", "Naomi...", "We have to\nend this.", "W-- huh?", "I'm sorry, Tootsie Rolls make me", "really honest.", "Ted... I know\nyou're super into me.", "But we are terrible together.", "Wait, what?", "I've been trying, saying things\nfelt good that didn't just to...", "I thought saying it was good\nwould make it feel good, but...", "...it always felt off.", "Why won't he stop\nsniffing my hair?", "And what's up\nwith the hand holding?", "It's like he's trying\nto win a thumb war.", "Ted, this is our song.", "Oh, no, he thinks\nI'm actually into this song.", "Does he not get sarcasm?", "Let's make love to this song.", "I'll just be even more\nridiculous", "to make it clear it's a joke.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Chickety-China,\nthe Chinese chicken... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "I...", "Uh-oh, where you going\nwith this, buddy?", "...love...", "Nope, too soon.", "Say basset hounds,\nPretzel Crisps, anything but...", "...you.", "Oh, God, just kiss him\nbefore he proposes.", "Ted, I've been looking\nfor the Hot Hanging Chad", "for the last nine Halloweens.", "I've waded\nthrough a sweaty parade", "of Big Lebowskis, Harry Potters,", "Antoine Dodsons,\nand that jackass", "who always dresses as laundry.", "Oh, I hate that guy.", "That's why,\nonce I finally found you...", "...it was hard to let you go.", "Good-bye, Ted.", "Let's just not touch ever again.", "Probably a good idea, yeah.", "Okay.", "Kids, after spending a decade\ndreaming of the wrong girl,", "I wanted more than ever\nfor the next woman I met", "to be the real thing.", "Yeah, I don't know, Barney,\nshe doesn't seem like my type.", "I will kill you.", "I'll see\nwhat I can do.", "Oh, hey there, I'm\nBarney, how are you?", "No, I'm Barney.", "Whoa.", "You pack quite a wallop there.", "Hope you didn't\nhurt your hand.", "Why are you so nice?", "Oh, sorry about my\nthick noodle there.", "How about we split the\ncost of the vase, eh?", "Holy Zamboni.", "Wow, you really put your\nweight behind that one.", "That was a\nreally good one.", "Oh, heavens to Gretzky, that\nwas a real Chiclet rattler."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E09 Disaster Averted": ["? ?", "Psst. In here!", "I'm safe.\nNot quite.", "The amulet, please,\nMr. Stinson.", "Why?", "Help! Help!\nThe kid.", "Help!\nHang on, kid.", "Grab my tie.", "But you're not supposed\nto take the tie off.", "You lost a bet with your\nfriends Lily and Marshall", "which requires you to wear\nthe tie for a full year.", "If it means saving your life,\nI think they'll understand!", "They sound like nice people!", "Yeah, they are.", "Grab that...", "Come on.", "That's it.", "Thanks, Mister.", "How can I repay you?", "You can stay in school,\nthat's how.", "No!", "True story.", "But golly, I'm just gonna miss", "the heck out of\nthat ducky tie. I really am.", "Look what I just found\nin the trash.", "No!", "Kids, you haven't truly\nlived until somewhere,", "somebody puts a sign up because\nof something you did.", "For instance...", "Have you guys seen that sign\nout front that says", "\"Absolutely No\nBoogie-Boarding\"?", "What's that all about?", "Oh, that's a great story.\nYou got time for it?", "Well, I'm supposed to go to\nmy mom's birthday party, so...", "please make it as\nlong as you can.", "Well, it happened\na few months ago.", "The night of the hurricane...", "Kids, it was August 26, 2011,", "and Hurricane Irene was\nbarreling towards New York.", "Guys, guys, guys.", "This storm is serious.", "Luckily, you are friends\nwith a former Boy Scout.", "And a Boy Scout is always what?", "Unpopular?\nBeaten up?", "Going to the movies\nwith his mom?", "A Boy Scout is always prepared.", "Prepared to spend lunch\nin his locker?", "Prepared to die a virgin?", "Prepared to paint\nhis sister's nails?", "Prepared for emergencies!", "That's why a week ago,", "when Irene was just\na tropical depression-", "You're a tropical depression.", "This guy got us...", "a disaster backpack,", "and a rental car that seats\nfive, parked right outside.", "We're gonna drive up\nto my place in Westchester", "where we'll all be safe.", "Boy Scouted!\nYou're welcome.", "Ted's right, we should go.", "Hey, on the way out of the city,", "do you mind if we stop at my\nplace so I can get something?", "Okay, what did you have to get?", "My drink on.\nWe're not going anywhere.", "What? No!", "We don't have time for this!\nWe gotta get going!", "Ted, I'm older than you.\nYeah.", "And taller.\nJust older.", "And when you reach my age,\nand height,", "you'll see that things like this\nhurricane are no big deal.", "They're going to close\nthe bridges.", "You guys, we got\nto get out of here.", "I'm afraid I'm with\nblondie on this one.", "This storm is nothing.\nI'm from Vancouver.", "You know what we call\nthis in the Couv?", "Barbecue weather.", "Yeah, I'm with these guys.", "Drinking beer in front\nof Barney's giant TV", "beats sitting in the car", "listening to\nMemoires of a Geisha.", "Come on, we're at the best part.", "Oh, it's my mom,\nchecking to see if I'm okay.", "Hey, Mom.", "Ooh, Mommy!\nIt's drizzling out!", "I'm so scared!", "Bikini weather.", "Marshall, you're with me, right?", "Sorry, old friend.", "But I can't afford\nto tempt fate.", "Oh right, I was being\nreally weird.", "I should explain.", "Last summer I quit my job.", "And then, a week before\nthe hurricane...", "Huh, my medical\ninsurance just expired.", "That gives me two uninsured weeks\nbefore I'm added to your plan.", "It's no biggie.", "Ow!\nPaper cut.", "Death is all around us.", "So for the next two weeks", "he was basically a really\nclingy Edgar Allan Poe.", "The Grim Reaper beckons.", "I feel his icy grip\naround my throat,", "the breath of his hounds\nat my heels,", "the unrelenting rat-tat-tat of\nhis scythe on my chamber door.", "And you, with your\nblithe request,", "you only hasten\nhis inevitable triumph.", "Is that what you desire?", "Is that what you desire, Lily?", "I just wanted you\nto get us some bagels.", "Bagels?!", "Do you have any idea", "what could happen to me\nwhilst getting bagels?!", "What the...?!\nNo, not like this!", "Fine. I'll go get the bagels.", "No!", "Why not?", "And remember, not too\nmuch cream cheese.", "Half a shmear, max.", "Thanks, baby.", "No! No! Not like this!", "Okay, now you're just\nbeing ridiculous.", "Well, life is ridiculous, Lily!", "People get run over by buses", "and hit in the nuts by\nskateboards, bitten by babies.", "Nobody wakes up and says,\n\"Today I'm gonna star", "in a YouTube video.\"", "You've said that at\nleast a dozen times.", "Lily, for the next two weeks", "you must be by my side\nprotecting me.", "Why, what's gonna happen?", "Answer: a hurricane.", "Just let me take off the tie!\nPlease!", "I have to wear this at work.", "Do you have any idea\nwhat that's like?", "If the SEC pursues charges,\nit's going to be all our asses.", "Nobody takes this\nmore seriously than I do.", "Please, can I take it off?", "You... may... knot.", "With a \"K.\"", "A little tie pun.", "This is far from over.", "You have a price, Eriksen,\nand I will find it.", "When the end of day is nigh,\nI'll have taken off this tie.", "I'm going to like the way\nI look, I guarantee it.", "So boogie-boarding...", "Boogie-boarding. So I was trying\nto get these guys to leave.", "Hey, Nerdlinger,", "what's with the safety boner?", "I mean, come on.", "The disaster kit, the car,\nthe ladies' rain boots-", "Uh, they're men's.", "Pink is just easier to\nspot from the rescue chopper.", "Look, forgive me for caring\nabout you guys,", "but you're my best friends\nin the world", "and I just want to make sure\nyou're okay.", "Ah. Ted, you are\na giant whining bummer.", "Barney...", "Come on, Ted,", "this storm is not a big deal.", "This storm is a big deal.", "Let's replay\nthat harrowing footage", "of Irene touching\ndown in North Carolina.", "We gotta get out of here!", "Go, go! Come on,\ncome on!", "Please let me take it off!\nNo.", "$5,000?\nNo.", "Is he serious?", "$10,000?", "No.\nDudes, take the money.", "$20,000?\nNo.", "Yes. I'll let you slap me in the face", "as hard as you can.\nYou have my attention.", "Kids, you remember Marshall\nand Barney's slap bet.", "A few years earlier,\nBarney lost a bet to Marshall.", "His penalty was five slaps\ndelivered anyplace, anytime.", "So far, Marshall had slapped\nBarney four times.", "Which meant he only had\none slap left.", "What do you say, Marshall?", "Are you going to seize\nthis slap-ortunity", "or let it slap\nthrough your fingers?", "Don't let him\ntempt you, Marshall.", "I don't know, Lily. I mean\nwe have a baby on the way.", "An extra slap could\nreally come in handy.", "No! No!", "This is crazy.", "You having to wear that tie\nfor another ten months", "is all the satisfaction I need.", "Plus,", "I still have one slap left,", "and that feels good. But if\nyou didn't have that slap left-", "if say, I were to get you\nto slap me tonight-", "I suppose that\nwould change everything.", "I suppose it would.", "Le jeu commence.", "Je m'appelle Marshall.", "So boogie-boarding...\nBoogie-boarding.", "So I was trying to get\nthese guys to leave,", "but there was\none little problem.", "Come on, let's go.", "I'm staying.", "What?!\nBarney?!", "Hey, hey, it's going to get\npretty crazy out there.", "And if some hot woman gets\nall her clothes blown off,", "and I'm not up here\nto videotape it", "and put it up on the Internet,\nwho will, FEMA?", "Come on, open your eyes.", "No, no, you are coming with us.", "We leave no man behind.", "Hey, Mom.", "Uh, yeah, the boots\nwere a big hit.", "You know, I better pee.", "But when Lily and I get back,\nwe're all leaving.", "Wait, I have to go\npee with you?", "You want me to go\nto the \"bathroom,\"", "the most dangerous room\nin the house by myself?", "Do you have any idea\nwhat could happen?", "Ow! My eye!", "I'm blind!", "No, no!\nNot like this!", "I don't think\nwe're seeing eye to eye", "about the likelihood\nof that happening.", "Hey, it's my dad.", "My dad's calling me.", "Hey, do you know where...?\nTed got his boots?", "Yeah. They're fabulous.\nI totally want a pair.", "Okay, Dad, I will. Thanks.", "Guys, Dad says this hurricane is\na bigger deal than you thought.", "I'm taking charge.\nWe are getting out of here.", "Okay, what is with\neverybody's parents calling", "to check up on them?", "It's just a little rain.", "Lawn-mowing weather.", "Bocce weather.", "Wow. You're really bummed", "that your dad's\nnot worried about you.", "What?!", "Eh... What would my\ndad be worried about?", "That I'm not wearing\nenough sunblock?", "House-painting weather.", "Ted, you're back.", "I've changed my mind.\nI'm in. Let's go.", "Yeah, I changed my mind, too.\nYou can't come.", "Everybody else,\nwe're moving out.", "That's harsh.", "You know what else is harsh?\nUltraviolet light.", "I fell asleep in the tanning bed\nthis week", "and I think I got a sunburn\non my cheek.", "It's so sensitive.", "It's like a big, red bull's-eye.", "Ouchie.", "Did you take my blush\nout of my purse?", "So, boogie-boarding.", "Boogie-boarding.", "Oh, come on, Ted,", "you can't just leave him here.", "Uh, yeah, I can.", "You called me a giant\nwhining bummer.", "You're not allowed in my car.", "You don't get to find out\nif the geisha finds love.", "This is about principle.", "Hey, Ted.\nI'm ready to go.", "And you must be \"Principle.\"", "Ah, on a separate note,\nguys, this is Maya.", "I just met her out in the hall.", "We have a lot in common,", "such as our mutual love\nof country music,", "NASCAR and Jeff Foxworthy.\nJust go with it.", "She needed a ride\nout of the city,", "and we have an extra seat\nin the car, so...", "Okay, let's hit it!", "Wow.", "It's come to this.", "You could help a friend,", "but instead, you're choosing\nthe hot girl in", "the tight tank top.", "Your training is complete!", "I'm so proud of this kid!", "But seriously,\nthe storm's coming in,", "so dump the hoochie\nand wheels up.", "You promised me a seat.", "Oh, for God's sake.", "You two both go.\nI'll stay here.", "What? Lily, no!\nShotgun!", "You're staying. Then\nLily can come! Wha...?", "No, no, no, I'll stay here.\nWhy?", "I just want\nsome time away from you!", "What?", "Marshall, I'm sorry. I love you,", "but I haven't had a second alone\nin weeks!", "It's summer vacation!", "All I want to do is\nsit in the bathtub", "and read a book, but now...", "Baby, I forgot to bring a book.", "Do you mind reading\nyours out loud?", "Hey, it's been no picnic\nfor me either.", "You don't even do the voices.", "Blocked number.", "Hello?", "RJ? It's your father.", "Daddy?", "I love you.", "It means so much\nthat you called.", "Ha! I knew that you\nwanted him to call. Busted!", "That was you?", "I really think\nyou should slap him.", "You should slap him!", "Slap him.\nSlap him.", "Two cheeks, no waiting.", "Good, 'cause I really\nthink I'm gonna slap him!", "So, boog -boarding?", "Boogie-boarding.", "Come on, Ted.", "You're gonna give some\nrandom floozy a ride,", "but not take Barney?", "Floozy?!", "If she's going, I'm not going!", "Lily, you're staying.\nLet's go.", "If Lily's staying,\nthen I'm staying!", "Then I'm going.\nThen I'm going.", "You can't go, Marshall,\n'cause I'm going.", "If Barney's going, I'm\nnot going! Then I can go.", "Then I'm staying.\nThen I'm staying.", "Then I'm going.", "Then I'm not going.", "Okay, you know what?\nI'm going.", "This storm's been on Doppler\nradar for a week.", "I'm the only one\nwho prepared for it.", "And you all made fun of me.\nSo guess what?", "This Boy Scout\nis taking a hike. Good-bye!", "Maya, real quick, did you think\nthere was anything here, or...", "Oh, I have a boyfriend.", "Good-bye!", "Um, Ted...?", "The time for evacuation is over.", "Everyone should now go inside\nand be prepared", "to stay inside until weather\nconditions improve,", "which won't likely be\nuntil Sunday afternoon.", "We're stuck here?", "Okay, let's not panic.", "You know what?\nLet's panic.", "Hey, if we don't make it\nthrough the night,", "I want you guys to know,\nand I really mean this...", "I wish I had branched out\nand made more friends in my 20s.", "Well,", "I'm going to go to the bathroom.", "By myself, I guess.", "Watch out for bears.", "Since this might be the end,\nI gotta confess something.", "Can I?", "Might as well.", "Barney and I have been doing\nthe wild thing...", "this whole time.", "Except a brief period last year\nwhen he was shacking up", "with Marshall's mom.", "But luckily, three-ways\nwere on the menu, so...", "Marshall, you know she didn't\nsay any of that, right?", "I know, but I just want\nto slap him so bad!", "But that tie is so stupid!\nBut the slap would feel so good!", "But he hates that tie so much!", "Perhaps I can help.", "Marshall, ask yourself this\nquestion: why today?", "He hasn't said anything about\nthat tie for weeks,", "and yet, suddenly today,", "he can't wear it another second?", "No, there's a reason.", "You've got something coming up.", "Something where you're", "on display, vulnerable...", "exposed.", "It's not work-related.", "No, this is relationship stuff.", "You're trying\nto impress someone.", "In the lie you told,", "you said you were being chased\nby two goons.", "So it's two people.", "A couple, perhaps.", "You're meeting\nNora's parents tomorrow!", "Wrong!", "Wrong, wrong, wrong,\nwrong, wrong!", "It's in two days, and I really\nwant them to like me!", "Oh-ho!\nTherapisted!", "Shrinked? Shrunk?", "We'll figure it out.", "So, boogie-boarding.", "Boogie-boarding.", "Hey, Lily, can I talk\nto you for just a second?", "Come here.", "Marshall, if I'm in here to\nbrush your teeth, I swear to...", "I'm sorry\nthat I've been so needy lately.", "I know that you need\nsome time alone.", "So... I'll be in\nthe other room.", "You're not going anywhere.", "Mmm...\nHey...", "And the funny thing is,", "after that night,\nwe'll never be alone again.", "You made that in my bathroom?", "Whoops.", "Wow, a hurricane baby.", "Oh, man, Hurricane Eriksen would\nbe a sweet name.", "It would be a crazy sweet name!", "Thanks, Ted.", "Anyway, the next day,\nafter the danger had passed...", "It's closed.", "Now what?", "A Boy Scout is always prepared.", "Hey!", "Nice!", "To surviving the hurricane.", "Yay!", "I love you guys.\nLove you.", "I did finally make it up here\nto the house later that week", "only to find that\na falling oak tree had", "landed in the living room.", "If we'd been here, it would\nhave crushed us like bugs.", "You see, kids, there's no way\nof knowing for sure", "where the safest place is...", "so the best you can hope for is\nto have some good company.", "Guys, how far do you think I can\nboogie-board on this thing?", "So far!", "Marshall, your insurance doesn't\nkick in till tomorrow.", "Yeah, well, you know what?", "Life kicks in right now.", "? ?", "Don't worry, he wasn't hurt...", "the first time.\nI have splints!", "The second time he went through\nthe front window of Maclaren's.", "Hence the\n\"No Boogie-boarding\" sign.", "All right, guys, I gotta go.", "Barney, good luck\nwith Nora's parents.", "Bye.\nBye.", "See you later.", "All right. See you.\nSee ya.", "Hey, Barney?", "Hmm?", "Listen, um, we made a baby", "in your bathroom.", "So we owe you one.", "So we say...", "you can take off the ducky tie.", "For three slaps.", "Three slaps?", "And to be clear,\nthis would add three slaps", "to Marshall's existing one,\ngiving him four slaps in total.", "Deal.", "I'm free!", "God, this feels so good!", "This was a mistake!", "I wanna put the tie back on!", "I wanna put the tie back on!", "Why do I have to be\nBarney right now?", "Three slaps remaining!", "Three slaps. Wow,\nI like the sound of that.", "I think I'll save\nthose bad boys,", "you know, for a rainy day.", "Okay.\nThe worst is over.", "Ah!", "Two slaps remaining!", "It's all right.", "Hey, it's all done...", "for now.", "I think I need to go home", "and reevaluate how\nI make life decisions.", "Come on. I have\nto go back to work.", "Let's split a cab. Okay. Yeah.", "Did you ever tell those guys\nabout that other thing", "that almost happened?", "That other thing?", "Oh, that. No. Did you?", "No.", "Hey, I'm really sorry\nabout that phone call.", "Oh, it's fine.", "No, it is so not fine.\nI was a jerk.", "And if you don't mind my\nsaying, your dad is", "a complete idiot\nfor not calling.", "He should never let a day go by\nwithout calling you", "because when I let a day go by\nwithout talking to you...", "Um, that day's just no good.", "Um, sorry.", "Um...", "It's my dad.", "Wait, show me your hands.", "My hands.", "Hey, Dad!", "That's what I've been saying!", "Golf weather!", "Can you believe we almost...?", "I know.", "Good thing we didn't.", "Yeah. I mean, not\nlong after that", "you got together with Nora.", "And you met Kevin.", "Yeah.\nDisaster averted.", "Exactly.", "It would've ruined everything\nif we'd been all...", "ah-la-la-la...", "I know, right?\nSo dumb...", "La-la-la-la-la-la..."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E10 Tick Tick Tick": ["Kids, Einstein was right.", "Time moves at different speeds.", "To Barney, the previous night\nraced by in a blur.", "But then, all of a sudden,", "time stopped.", "This might be the worst\nthing I've ever done.", "Hey, now,", "you weren't at the top of your\ngame, but it was still pretty...", "Oh, my God!", "I just cheated\non Kevin.", "He is the nicest guy ever.", "I'm a terrible person.", "It's okay.", "We both cheated.", "What's that saying about\ntwo wrongs making a right?", "\"Two wrongs don't make a right\"?", "No, that's not it.", "Oh, my God.", "I just cheated on Nora.", "How could I do this to her?\nWhat are we gonna do?", "I don't know.", "Well...", "Can I ask you, did\nthis mean anything?", "Of course it did.", "Of course it didn't.", "Which one are you looking for?\nI could see it going either way.", "It meant nothing.\nIt meant nothing!", "How could you say\nit meant nothing?!", "Of course it meant something!", "No, it didn't! It can't.", "Okay? You're with Nora,\nand I'm with Kevin and...", "I have to go.", "Wait, what are\nwe gonna tell them?", "Nothing.", "God! We made a\nhorrible mistake.", "But it-it is over now.", "There's no reason to hurt more\npeople by talking about it.", "You're asking me to lie?", "That's... fine.", "Damn it.", "Nora and I have that work cruise\ntomorrow night.", "We're all supposed\nto go together.", "Okay, I know this is thinking\nway, way out of the box,", "but what if-- and hear me out--", "we don't go?", "No.", "I just want this whole night\nto fade into history,", "so we have to act like\nit never happened.", "We should go.", "I mean, it's a three-hour\nboat ride--", "what could happen?", "I'm sure that's what Gilligan.", "Groovapalooza!", "All the smug hippie bands from\nthe '90s in one big concert", "Ah, even the tickets", "smell like cloves\nand mediocrity.", "Ah, to really\ntake us back,", "I scored us bag\nof, yes, mari...", "Kids, we used to do something\nbefore concerts", "to enjoy them more.", "And that thing was to...\neat a sandwich.", "...nated steak subs.", "Oh, yeah!", "Well, as future parents,\nwe'll pass on the sandwiches.", "How could you even suggest\nsuch a thing, Ted?!", "I better\nget my 60 bucks back.", "No sandwich?", "Marshall, it's a palooza.", "We've eaten sandwiches\nat every palooza.", "Lollapalooza, Funkapalooza...", "Gender-diversity-awareness-\npalooza, junior year.", "Yeah, there were\nsome real bitches there.", "Okay, quick,", "before Lily gets here,\nlet's fire this up.", "No way. I promised Lily\nthat I would be responsible.", "You're not getting\nyour 60 bucks back.", "Give me that.", "Hey, how you\nholding up?", "Well, I'm about to be\ntrapped on boat all night", "with the guy I cheated on,\nthe guy I cheated with", "and the girl that the guy\nI cheated with cheated on.", "So, not super.", "Hi, Sandy.", "You're welcome.", "I did not say \"Thank you.\"", "Oh, you're too kind.", "Too kind.", "Excuse me, I\nshould really try", "to have sex with\nthat new intern.", "Robin's boss, Sandy Rivers\nhosted this cruise every year,", "mostly to hit on\nthe new employees.", "And he'd found a clever way\nto never spend a cent.", "Up next, another four deaths", "in Arizona's record-breaking\nheat wave.", "You want real\nrecord-breaking heat?", "Try Kristoff's Jalape\u00c3\u00b1o\nCoconut Vodka martini.", "Muy caliente!", "Okay, Nora and Kevin", "are gonna be here any minute.", "I thought I could handle this,\nbut I can't.", "Okay, um, here's the plan.", "We'll grab one of the\nlifeboats, get back to shore,", "destroy the tape\nof us doing it...", "There's a tape of us doing it?", "...and we'll start\na new life together.", "Somewhere simple and homey,\nlike Vermont or Dubai.", "Wait, is that what you want?", "For us to be together?", "Hey, Robin.", "Oh, God, I really\ncan't do this.", "Don't worry. Just follow my lead\nand keep cool.", "Hey, guys!", "They know!", "Oh, no.", "I think that sandwich was\nlaced with other stuff.", "Like, hard meats.", "What do you mean?", "Well, usually after a sandwich,\nI feel paranoid. But I'm not.", "Why am I not\nfeeling paranoid?!", "What do you mean?\nCalm down, dude!", "We'll be fine.", "Lily's gonna know.", "Listen to me.", "Whatever we were just\ntalking about...", "we'll be fine.", "You're right, she\nwon't find out.", "Hey, guy", "She knows!", "Good evening.", "A special welcome\nour four new interns:", "Erika... and so on.", "One safety matter:\nlife preservers are", "on the side rails,\nin case anyone falls overboard.", "That's it.\nHave a good night.", "Don't drink too much.", "Or do.", "Beautiful night,\nhuh, gang?", "Yeah, Robin and I\nwere just cheating--", "chatting about\nhow warm it is.", "I'm breaking a\ntrust-- sweat", "in here.", "And I thought\nwe'd be cuckold.", "I know why you're\nso nervous, Barney.", "You do?", "You're meeting Nora's parents\ntomorrow night, right?", "That's it!\nThat's it!", "Let's dance!", "Bah!\nWhoo!", "Lily has no idea I'm high.", "You're high?", "I'm sorry.", "Lily has no idea I'm high.", "Okay, well, if\nyour pregnant wife", "has to sit here\nsober all night,", "she's gonna need\nsome of them nachos.", "You got it.", "Hey, dude, fork over\nsome of them nach...", "No, not his.", "My own.", "Ah. Smart.", "Come on, Ted.", "What?", "And thus began the most\nharrowing journey of our lives.", "To this day,\nRobin and Barney swear", "this is the song\nthey danced to that night.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa You fooled around\non your baby \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Now the least you could do\nis to tell her the truth \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Yes, you in the suit \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Or that secret\nwill eat up your soul \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Girl, the guilt's\ngonna drive you crazy \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Crazy \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa You can't live with this lie,\nKevin's such a nice guy \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Gotta tell him tonight \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Tell them right here\non this boat \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa You're like scum round\nthe edge of a toilet bowl \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Flush \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa What the hell is in the place\nwhere you should have a soul? \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Slut \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa You did these two wrong \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Don't wt too long \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa In fact, you know what? \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Tell them\nright during this song \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Tell ', tell 'em,\ntell 'em, tell 'em, tell 'em \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "I'll wait.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Tell 'em, tell 'em,\ntell 'em, tell 'em, tell 'em \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Oh, come on, seriously,\nyou're not gonna tell them?", "We have to tell them.\nRight now.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Sure, act like\nit was your idea. \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Seriously, you guys suck.", "Marshall and I were still\nin line to get Lily's nachos.", "Dude, we've been\nwaiting forever.", "Even worse, this is the\nline for the ladies room.", "I can't believe that our\nlast Groovapalooza was,", "what, 12 years ago?", "I mean, time is\ngoing by so fast.", "I know, it's crazy.", "In, like, an eye blink,", "this hand will be, like,\nan old man's hand.", "I recognize the clich\u00c3\u00a9d nature\nof what I'm about to say,", "but... whoa!", "Yeah.", "312?", "That's our gate.", "Dude, we just walked around\nthe entire arena.", "We've been walking\nfor, like, an hour", "and we still haven't\nfound the nachos.", "I bet Lily\nis so upset.", "Yo, you want\nmy nachos, bro?", "Thank you.", "My husband's been gone an hour\nlooking for these.", "If he can't even do that,\nhow can I trust him as a father?", "You can't, bro.\nYou can't.", "I like your long goatee.", "Marshall can't even\ngrow a beard.", "Oh, that's sad.", "'Cause one's ability to grow\nfacial hair directly correlates", "with one's ability\nto be a good father.", "I know it does.\nI know it does.", "Oh.", "Excuse me, sir.", "Do you know\nwhere the nachos are?", "Marshall!", "Over here.\nI found the nacho line.", "Oh.", "So, how'd it go with Kevin?", "Well, I was just about\nto tell him...", "ok, Kevin...", "Erika, I've been meaning\nto speak with you all night.", "Really?\nWhat about", "About me bending your hard\nlittle body over the railing", "of this boat\nand copulating furiously", "while I admire\nthe New York City skyline.", "Or, if you're feeling dirty,\nwe can always face Jersey.", "Thoughts?", "Jalape\u00c3\u00b1o!", "And just a hint of coconut.", "Kevin hit his head,\nhe might have a concussion.", "So obviously\nI couldn't tell him.", "What about you?", "Something even worse\nhappened to her.", "I got a tiny spot of wine\non my sleeve.", "I couldn't pile on.", "I'm not a monster.", "Where are they?", "Come on, forget\nthe nachos.", "Everyone here\nis having fun.", "Look, even these guys.", "Check it out.", "Wow, music really does\nbring people together.", "Ted? Ted!", "Creepy guitar guy\nis following us.", "We did a whole nother lap.", "Oh, man, we missed like,\nhalf the concert now.", "Come on, let's just go\nback to our seats.", "Ted, Ted, Ted.", "The nacho line\nwas right here all along.", "So stupid.", "As soon as we dock,\nI'm taking Kevin to the E.R.", "God, wish last night\nnever happened.", "I don't.", "What do you mean?", "What if this whole thing,", "it isn't the story of how we\nboth made a horrible mistake", "and ruined our relationships,", "what if it's actually the story\nof how we got back together?", "Okay, I'm gonna ask you\none last time.", "Is this what you want?", "It's what we both want!", "Why else are we rushing\nto tell them what we did?", "On a boat!\nThat is a terrible idea!", "Barney, we tried this\nand we failed.", "Why try again?", "Because I haven't stopped\nthinking about you", "and you haven't stopped\nthinking about me.", "It's such a mess.", "Why...", "Why do you even like me?", "I guess...", "'cause you're almost\nas messed up as I am.", "Well, there's the small issue", "that we're currently dating\nother people.", "How about this?", "After we dock, let's each do\nwhat we have to do,", "and then meet up at MacLaren's\nat midnight and...", "talk about us.", "Don't forget\nyour mystery gift bags!", "They're condoms.", "We just went all the way\naround again!", "Where the hell\nare these nachos?!", "Who cares\nabout nachos?", "Oh, I love nachos, man!", "You gotta relax, man.", "You keep worrying about stuff\nlike nachos,", "you're gonna give yourself\na heart attack.", "I'm going back in.\n- Fine!", "Ha! Joke's on you!", "The nacho line was right here\nall along!", "Robin and Barney\nwere finally off the boat.", "so they both assumed\nit was going to be a lot easier", "to admit\nwhat they had done.", "Kevin...\nMe first.", "Look, I don't want\nto make too much out", "of saying \"I love you\"\nfor the first time.", "Any way I can jump in\nwith my thing?", "Robin... I love you.", "Okay, Nora, lo...", "Mom! Dad!", "Hi, Nora, we\ngot in early!", "Should've done it on the boat.", "Ah!", "Hey, where's your friend?", "We missed almost the entire show\nbecause he put his stupid quest", "for nachos ahead of our\nfriendship, so I bolted.", "Well, I'm just a creepy old\nguitar player,", "but isn't any time spent\nwith a friend a blessing?", "And if nachos is all you seek...", "take mine, brother.", "Wow!", "Thank you.", "It's a sign, bro.", "It is.", "It's a sign\nI should go find Marshall!", "Marshall! Marshall!", "So, Barney, Nora's told us\nso much about you,", "but we want to know everything.", "Uh, let's see. Suit, laser tag.", "I say \"wait for it\" a lot.\nThat's about it.", "You two must be exhausted.", "I'll make coffee.", "I'm so glad to see how happy\nyou both are.", "When you meet\nthe right person,", "you know it.", "You can't stop\nthinking about them.", "They're your best friend...", "and your soul mate.", "You can't wait to spend the\nrest of your life with them.", "No one and nothing else\ncan compare.", "Now, where the hell\nis that coffee, eh?", "Look, Nora, there's something\nI have to tell you.", "Heart attack.", "Oh, God, Ted was right.\nI have to relax!", "Ted!", "Marshall!\n- Ted?", "Ted!\nMarshall!", "Oh, Ted! Oh, Ted!", "I'm so sorry! You were right.", "No, Marshall, you...\nYeah, I was right.", "But look, nachos!", "Come on. Let's\ngo back inside.", "That's it.", "It's over.", "We missed the whole show.", "So...", "yup, I love you.", "Look, Kevin...", "there's something\nI have to tell you.", "I cheated on you.", "I don't even know\nhow to react.", "I am so sorry.", "I know I don't get\nany second chances,", "but you will always be...", "Was this a one-time thing?", "Can you tell me\nit didn't mean anything?", "No.", "I'm sorry, Ted.", "I still want to have fun,", "There's just not\nenough time, you know?", "I know.", "It's all going by\nso damn fast.", "Lily!", "Hey! Oh, Lily,\nI'm so sorry", "that we ruined our night.\nYeah.", "What are you guys talking about?", "You've been gone less\nthan two minutes.", "Kids, she was right.", "My hand.", "Whoa!", "Ah! concert!", "Nachos! Ah!", "Music!", "Time!\n- Nachos!", "Thank you!", "It's a sign, bro.", "Oh, oh...", "Heart attack!\nMarshall!", "Marshall!", "Time...", "Lily!", "Marshall, do you get\nwhat this means?", "Life isn't moving\ntoo fast.", "We-we still have time\nfor everything", "And we're not gonna miss\nthe concert!", "I'm freaking out right now.", "We gotta get out of here.\n- Yeah.", "Do you guys know where\nthe ladies' room is?", "No idea.\n- Haven't seen it.", "Hey! How's it going?", "Oh, not great.\nNora and I broke up.", "Oh, my God, what happened?", "I don't really feel like getting\ninto it, but...", "I think the worst part is over.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "Hey, Kev.\n- What's up, Kev?", "How's it going, buddy?", "Hey, guys.", "There's something\nI have to tell you.", "Then don't.", "What?", "If there's one thing I've\nlearned as a therapist,", "it's that just because something\nneeds to be told", "doesn't always mean\nit needs to be heard.", "Kevin, I did something bad.", "We've all done bad things.", "Doesn't mean we're bad people.", "Look, I don't care", "about every detail\nfrom your past,", "and I hope you don't care\nabout mine either.", "What I do care about is you,", "and that from tonight forward,\nyou're in this as much as I am.", "What do you think?", "I'm such a mess.", "Why do you even like me?", "Come here.", "I am constantly amazed\nby the things you say,", "entranced by the things you do,", "and unlike a certain Jalape\u00c3\u00b1o\nCoconut Vodka martini,", "you're easy on the eye", "And if we're together\nlong enough,", "I hope that one day you see\nyourself the way I see you.", "That's a pretty good answer.", "Sometimes hours\ncan feel like minutes", "and sometimes a single second\ncan last a lifetime.", "For Barney, the second that\nwould never end was this one.", "Well, um, I should go.", "Tough night.", "I'm so sorry.", "Don't be. It's nothing.", "It feels good to be sober again.", "Man, how long have we been\nsitting here, right?", "12 seconds and you're\nin the wrong booth.", "I should go to bed."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E11 The Rebound Girl": ["In the fall of 2011,\nLily and Marshall received", "a surprising gift\nfrom Lily's grandparents:", "their house in Long Island.", "Lily and Marshall decided to\nsell it for one simple reason.", "It's Long Island.", "I don't want to spend\nmy Saturday in Long Island.", "I know, babe,", "but the realtor staged the\nplace with fake furniture", "and she wants us to check it\nout before the open house.", "All right.", "Can we at least do it\non the fake bed?", "I'm embarrassed\nthat you have to ask.", "So, they headed out\nto Long Island,", "and when they walked\nin the door...", "We'll take it!", "We-We can't take it.", "We're the ones selling it.", "We are selling it, right?", "Baby, your grandparents gave\nyou this house outright.", "So, the way I see it,\nwe have five options.", "One: sell it.", "Two: year-round\nhaunted house.", "Three: giant fence around the\nperimeter, chimp sanctuary.", "There's already a tire\nswing in the backyard.", "Four: we destroy it\nwith sledgehammers.", "I like four.", "Or five: we move in,\nraise our children", "and make this our family home.", "Till they graduate.", "Then we destroy it\nwith sledgehammers.", "As a family.", "No, this is crazy!", "We are New York people.", "We have a big, beautiful\napartment that we love.", "You're right.", "But something happened", "to Lily and Marshall that day.", "Something that happens\nto all New Yorkers", "who return home from anywhere\nother than New York.", "Their big, lovely apartment...", "Huh. That's weird.", "...shrank.", "Okay, after Thanksgiving,\nI'm cutting out carbs.", "Now, kids, it had been\na rough couple weeks for Barney.", "First, he cheated\non his girlfriend with Robin,", "then he broke up\nwith his girlfriend for Robin,", "then Robin chose Kevin\nover him.", "So he was kind of\nin a bad place.", "Hey.", "You all right?", "Why wouldn't I\nbe all right?", "Barney's single again!", "It's what America's\nbeen clamoring for.", "You just went\nthrough a break-up.", "That's usually when people\ndo something crazy.", "If you were a girl,\nyou'd have cut bangs", "and be dating you by now.", "Just promise me\nyou won't do something crazy.", "I promise I won't\ndo something crazy.", "Don't worry, he's gonna do\nsomething crazy.", "In fact, I think\nI'm done with girls.", "I'm not sure I even\nlike them anymore.", "Based on all the stuff you've\ndone to them over the years,", "I'm not sure\nyou ever liked them.", "I'm serious.", "Come on, you love girls.", "If anyone should be\ndone with girls, it's me.", "Look at the year I've had.", "Zoey, Victoria,\nthe Slutty Pumpkin.", "Now I'm worried\nyou're gonna do something crazy.", "I'm not gonna do\nsomething crazy.", "And yes, I'm gonna do\nsomething crazy, too.", "But girls, man.", "Girls.", "You know what would kick ass?\n- Being gay?", "Being gay would kick ass!", "Word. Guys understand\neach other.", "Imagine a relationship where,", "instead of talking\nabout feelings all the time,", "you just play some Madden,\neat a pizza,", "give each other a happy,\nroll over", "and have some\ncuddle-free shut-eye.", "Bro, for what it's worth,", "if we were both gay,\nyou'd be my first call.", "Would you mind calling Marshall\nand telling him that?", "'Cause he thinks...", "No, this is only in a scenario", "where just you and I are gay,\nnot Marshall.", "But if all three of us were gay,", "you'd pick me\nover Marshall, right?", "If all three of us were gay?", "Girlfriend, we would\nall three of us have some fun.", "Damn right we would.", "We're not gay.", "Nope. Stuck with girls.", "I wish men could have children", "on their own, like sea horses.", "Are you saying\nwhat I think you're saying?", "They have a little pouch.", "They should be called\nsea kangaroos.", "No, y-you want kids?", "Maybe I've kind of\nlately been thinking", "about the whole\nwife and kids thing.", "Just minus the wife.", "You could always go it alone.", "Like Mr. Drummond\non Diff'rent Strokes.", "Yeah, but that was the '80s,\nwhen you could just swing by", "any inner-city playground\nin your limo", "and scoop up some kids.\n- Mmm.", "Simpler times.\n- Hmm.", "I guess it's better\nto have someone", "in it with you anyway, you know?\nLifetime partnership.", "The only partnership in my life", "that has stood the test of time\nis this one.", "The sacred bond of man and bro.", "Maybe we should start\na family together.", "Are you kidding?", "This place is huge.", "I mean, look, I can\ndance all crazy in here.", "Oh! Sh...", "Listen, um, Robin,", "are you okay with us all", "doing Thanksgiving\nout in East Meadow?", "Uh, yeah, I guess\nthat'd be nice.", "Oh, great!", "And then after Thanksgiving,\nLily and I were thinking", "that we would just\nstay at the house", "until, you know...", "we die.", "What?", "No!", "You can't move\nto Long Island!", "But this house\nis so nice.", "It's big, and it's clean,\nand if there's cockroaches,", "they respect us enough\nto sneak around.", "Listen to yourself.", "This is Pregnancy Brain\nall over again.", "No, I'm done\nwith Pregnancy Brain.", "I've moved on\nto weird pregnancy sex dreams.", "Officer.", "You know. You know.", "I'm-I'm just saying, you're not\nin the right mind to be making", "this decision\nright now.", "You know what? Robin's right.", "We are in no state of mind\nto make this kind of decision.", "Thank you. And now you're\nstepping off the crazy bus.", "We let the universe decide.", "And now you're back on board.", "You hear that, Universe?", "If you send us a sign\nin the next...", "24 hours, then we're moving\nto Long Island!", "Okay?", "Go.", "Hey, guys,", "for the last time,\nthis place is enormous--", "Oh!", "Geez, how many lamps\ndo you have?", "It's genius!", "Instead of throwing away\nyour life marrying some girl,", "you just go splitsies on a kid\nwith your best bro!", "I wouldn't have to choose", "between dating\nand having a family.", "Hell, I could bring\nthe kids on dates!", "And a broken home?", "Um, what's that?", "Our kids will never know,", "'cause we're never\ngonna split up!", "Why would we?", "I mean, sure,\nwhen your wife walks in", "on you banging a hot flight\nattendant, you get a divorce.", "But when your bro-parent\nwalks in on you", "banging a hot\nflight attendant...", "You get five of these bad boys,\nright up high!", "And you totally\njoin in, right?!", "Oh, no, there's the line.\nThat's the line.", "We found the line.\nIt's good we know where it is.", "Hey, guys.", "Hey!\n- Hey.", "We have an announcement.", "So what you're\nsaying is,", "if you're meant to move\nto Long Island,", "some sign from the universe", "will magically appear\nat your doorstep?", "Now, kids, I don't think\nthere was a knock on the door", "at that exact moment, but for\nthe purposes of this story...", "Hi, I'm Clive.", "I live upstairs from you.", "Is this your sign?", "I don't know, Clive.", "Is it?", "Oh, did we leave that outside?", "Yeah, we're selling our house\nin Long Island.", "Oh. Too bad you're not\nselling this place.", "I'd love to turn\nmine into a duplex.", "And I'd give you a really\ngood price for it,", "because I am so rich.", "He did not\nsay that.", "His shoes did.", "Okay, the point is,\nwe got the sign.", "We're moving to East Meadow.", "Let's get some champagne.", "And just like that,\nLily and Marshall", "were beginning a new chapter\nin their lives.", "Which meant only one thing\nfor us...", "We're having a baby!", "Bro-parents activate!", "Hey, let's talk baby names!\n- Barney...", "Oh, my God!\nThat was my first choice, too.", "No, listen.\nYou and I are drunk.", "Which means there's a chance\nthat adopting a baby--", "no matter how cute\nhe is in my head", "with his little cowboy outfit on\nand he's riding our dog", "like a horse\nand we also have a dog,", "purebred Golden,\nbut it's okay, she's a rescue--", "might not be a good idea.", "You're right.", "So let's go home,\ntake some aspirin,", "drink lots of water,", "and then see if it's still\na good idea tomorrow.", "It's still a good idea!", "It's totally still\na good idea!", "We're having a baby!", "Kids, I cannot\nstress this enough:", "Barney and I were going\nthrough a tough time.", "You're not leaving,\nand that's final.", "Look what I bought at\n4:00 a.m. in New York City.", "A bootleg VHS of a very,\nvery popular Korean movie,", "this genuine Lenny Vintone purse", "and the number of a man\nwho can get me a kidney.", "Do that on Long Island.", "Look, Robin, we appreciate\nthat you want us", "to stay in the city, but\nthis is what we want.", "I mean, you\nunderstand, right?", "No.", "Here are a\nfew fun facts", "about Long Island.", "Number one:\nit's Brooklyn's fart trail.", "So Barney and I--", "and again,\ngoing through a tough time,", "can't stress that enough--", "found an adoption agency\nWeb site", "and filled out\ntheir online application.", "Name: Barney Stinson.", "Ted Mosby.", "Address...", "Oh, put my address\nin Westchester.", "They'll want to see we'll be", "raising this child\nin a good environment.", "You know, the suburbs.", "What? No.", "All my guys are here.\n- Your guys?", "Yeah. You know how I got\na guy for everything?", "Well, they're all in New York.", "My suit guy, my shoe guy,\nmy ticket guy, my club guy.", "And if I don't have\na guy for something,", "then I have a guy guy\nto get me a guy.", "And oddly enough,\nhis name is Guy.", "Okay, fine.\nHow about this?", "We stay in the city during\nthe week, then on the weekend,", "country house in the burbs!", "This is why bro-parenting works!", "Totally!", "And with your salary\nplus my salary,", "we can totally\nafford two places.", "Oh.", "What?", "So... uh, you're gonna\nkeep your job?", "Robin, this discussion\nis closed.", "The universe told us to do it,\nso we're doing it.", "Well, the universe\ngets it wrong sometimes.", "Remember when Marshall\nwas trying to decide between", "becoming an environmental lawyer\nand working at a bank?", "That's a funny story.", "Marshall was fed up\nwith his job at GNB and was", "thinking about\nleaving it all behind,", "so he and Lily agreed\nhe should wait for a sign", "from the universe\nto tell him what to do.", "Then one day...", "Of course.", "It's so clear.", "It's been right there all along.", "I have to call Lily.", "Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.", "I'm sorry, but, um, can\nI please borrow your...", "Ernie Hudson?\n- Yes.", "Can I borrow your phone?", "Who you gonna call?", "And did Marshall\nbecome a Ghostbuster?", "That firehouse\nis still for sale.", "Even Ernie Hudson begged you\nnot to go through with that.", "Ernie Hudson is a coward!", "Oh!", "Of course I'm gonna\nkeep my job.", "Why wouldn't\nI keep my job?", "Well, I mean,\nthis whole architecture thing...", "isn't it more of a hobby?", "Excuse me?", "And now we're fighting.\nYou know what?", "Forget I said anything.", "No! No, no, no.\nWe're having this discussion.", "Architecture\nis my life's work.", "Why don't you quit your job?\nI don't even know", "what it is\nyou do for a living.", "\"What it is I do for a living?\"", "I work, Ted, 14 hours a day\nso that our baby can have food", "and clothes and a nice house,", "while you sit around\ndoodling pictures of buildings.", "That's \"what it is I do.\"", "You know what? Screw this.\nI'm gonna go to the bar.", "Yeah, right, right,\n'cause the answer's always", "at the bottom of a bottle!", "Wait, wait, wait!\nHold it!", "Brainstorm.\nBrainstorm.", "Nobody quits their job.", "We get a nanny.", "Dibs on the nanny.", "No. No banging the nanny.", "Ted, please don not dig in\non this whole", "no-banging-the-nanny policy.", "Okay, fine.\nWe'll get two nannies.", "One for banging,\none for childcare.", "Slash banging.\nDibs on both nannies!", "Just think of it, Ted,\nyou and me,", "living together,\nwith our kid,", "my two hot nannies,\nour pet cobra...", "What?", "A kid needs a pet cobra, Ted.\nDon't be a pill about this.", "And we'll have amazing\nweeklong parties,", "and there'll be swords\nand ninja stars lying around.", "That's when I realized:", "adopting a baby with a friend?\nCrazy.", "Adopting a baby with Barney?\nFreaking nuts.", "I can't adopt a baby with you,\nBarney.", "Why not?", "Because we don't even\nhave one yet", "and you're already\na terrible father.", "Oh, I get it.", "You want one of the nannies.", "Well, you can't have 'em!\nThey're mine!", "So you're just gonna have\nto get yourself a third nanny.", "Except dibs on\nthe third nanny! Good day!", "Which brings us\nto Thanksgiving.", "Marshall, Lily and Robin\nwere heading out", "to Long Island early\nto get ready.", "Okay, how is this\neven possible?!", "'Cause how did we even get it\nin here?!", "Okay, I change my mind.\nI want an epidural.", "You guys are crazy.", "This place is enormous.", "I mean, look arou...", "Have you never heard\nof overhead lighting?!", "You're right.", "I get it.", "This place is great.", "Um, excuse me.\nWhere is the restroom?", "Oh. Right there.\nOh, good, great.", "I'm just gonna go\nin there and...", "not come out until you promise\nnever to move away!", "It's a good thing\nwe have three bathrooms.", "Hey, Barney.", "Uh, listen, sorry\nabout the other day", "when I said you'd be\na terrible father.", "You had no reason\nto think otherwise.", "Totally understandable.\nI'm not mad.", "Thanks.", "And, uh, let's be honest,", "we were both acting\na little crazy.", "I don't think either of us\nis truly ready", "for the responsibility of...", "Daddy's home.", "Uh, Barney, uh, where\ndid you get this baby?", "Please.", "Did you adopt it?", "Please.", "Do you have\na baby guy?", "Did Guy the guy guy\nget you a baby guy?", "Ted, we should get going.", "No, no, no. I'm not going\nanywhere with you.", "For all I know, I could be", "aiding and abetting\na kidnapping.", "Shh. Bro-daddy's not mad.", "He's just being a wittle loud.\nHe wuvs you! Yes, he does!", "This is insane!\n- You'll feel better outside.", "Come on.\n- No, I can't.", "Yeah. Na-na-na.", "But then we went outside.", "Oh, my goodness.", "What a beautiful baby.\n- Thank you.", "By the way, my friend and I,\nwe're not a couple.", "We are two straight guys\nwho are single", "and we have a baby.\nJust so you know.", "Look at this sweet girl.", "Hi. I was just telling\nthis first girl,", "my friend and I,\nboth straight,", "both available,\nand we have a baby.", "Oh, who is this little angel?", "me and him,", "not gay, single,\nhave a baby.", "We should look\ninto having a sign made.", "Kids, again, we were going\nthrough a difficult time.", "But this part was kind of fun.", "Aw...!\nSo cute!", "This is awesome.", "Right?", "Robin, come out\nand talk to us.", "I'm not coming out\nof this bathroom", "until everyone stops\nacting crazy!", "No one is being crazy.", "Again, for the purposes\nof this story...", "Ted and I have\na baby. Crazy!", "What the hell is that?", "Guys, this is Hurricane\nStinson-Mosby.", "Mosby-Stinson.", "You named your\nbaby Hurricane?", "That is...", "ultimately inconsiderate\nto the child", "who has to live\nwith that name.", "Okay, how the hell\ndoes Barney have a baby?", "No idea. Super confused.", "I'm finding it best\nto just sort of go with it.", "She's super cute,\nthough, right?", "Wait a minute.", "Oh, guh! Hurricane\ndookied in her drawers.", "Ha-ha!\nPoopy pants!", "She needs\na new diaper.", "Right. Where do you\nkeep your diapers?", "We don't have any.", "You don't... Wow.", "Okay. (scoffs) I guess\nI'll go buy some.", "You're gonna be a mom and\nyou don't have any diapers?", "Lord, watch over\nthat child.", "Uh, okay.", "Come here, you.", "So, there was talk\nof a cheese plate?", "Hey.", "Cheese?", "Thanks.", "If you don't mind\nme asking...", "what-what is\nthis all about?", "I mean, you are one of the most\nstrong, independent,", "non-locking-themselves-in-", "a-bathroom-on-Thanksgiving\npeople I know.", "Why-why are you so upset\nabout us moving?", "Maybe I just need you guys\nmore than you think.", "Is this about more\nthan us moving?", "This is good cheese.", "Robin?", "Yeah?", "Do you think I should've become\na Ghostbuster?", "I think you made\nthe right call, buddy.", "Okay, Ted, I'm not gonna ask you\nwhere Barney got this baby.", "But do you have any idea why?", "Well, a few nights ago,\nwe were talking...", "you know, \"We hate girls,\nwe wish we were gay,\"", "just guy stuff.", "And we kind of\nsort of decided to...", "adopt a baby.", "Yeah, that's crazy.", "I know.", "Is it, though?", "Yes.", "I know.", "But is it, though?", "Yes.", "Well, so what if it's crazy?", "I've been ready to meet someone\nto start a family with", "for a long time now,\nand I keep not meeting her.", "Barney is one of my best friends\nin the world, we rarely fight,", "and once we iron out\nthe whole pet cobra thing,", "we will be amazing dads.", "Why shouldn't we try this?", "When's the last time\nyou fed her?", "She had some root beer\non the train.", "Oh, Ted.\nAnd I'm sorry,", "but you cannot call\na baby Hurricane.", "Actually, her name is Sadie.", "James, what are you doing here?", "Did Barney\nnot tell you", "that we were coming\nfor Thanksgiving?", "Uh, no.", "Then he probably also\ndid not tell you", "that he was babysitting\nour new daughter.", "This is your daughter?", "Oh, thank God.", "And congratulations.", "Thanks. Come here.", "Aw...\nAw...", "I guess this is good-bye,\nHurri... Sadie.", "Your name is Hurricane.\nDon't ever forget it.", "Go with him. Go on.", "Come here.\nThat a girl.", "Hey, Ted,", "I overheard\nyour little speech.", "It's not crazy.", "About ten years ago,", "my best friend and I\nnearly did the same thing.", "She was single, I was single,\nwe both wanted a family.", "It made sense.", "But now?", "Every day, we thank our lucky\nstars that we didn't do it.", "'Cause what she found\nwith her husband", "and what I found\nwith mine--", "it was worth the wait.", "Hurricane's\na cool name.", "Isn't it, Tom?", "The pet store\nwas closer,", "so I just got her\nsome wee-wee pads.", "Oh, I also got this.", "It's beef-flavored\nand it's good for her teeth.", "James! Tom! Hey!", "Lily...", "did you get\nthe e-mail", "that I sent you\nabout inviting", "James and Tom\nto Thanksgiving?", "I sent it to your CompuServe.\nThat's your main one, right?", "Happy Thanksgiving, bro.", "Thanks. Hi.\n- Hey!", "Let's go sit down.", "Hi.", "All right,\nyou got me.", "James is my baby guy.", "But these past three hours--\nmagical, right?", "We can do this!\nSay we can do this.", "We can't do this.", "Sorry, dude.", "We got to wait\nfor the real thing...", "no matter how tough it gets.", "It gets pretty tough.", "I know it does, buddy.", "I have some time\nbefore dinner, right?", "I'm going to go...\nI'm gonna take a little walk.", "All right. All right.", "God.", "Hi.\n- Hey.", "Are we still friends?", "Hope so.", "Good.", "'Cause get this.", "Ted almost adopted a baby.", "Crazy, right?", "Poor guy's going\nthrough some stuff.", "He actually tried\nto rope me into it.", "Can you imagine me\nbeing someone's dad?", "I'm pregnant."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E12 Symphony of Illumination": ["Kids, have I ever told you", "the story\nof how I met your father?", "Well, I'll just skip ahead", "to the moment I told him\nI was pregnant.", "W... What happened?", "Did I pass out?", "Not exactly.", "I'm pregnant.", "Are you sure you're not\njust getting fat?", "Oh, yeah.", "So, um, you're pregnant.", "Yeah.", "Huh.", "Looks like nobody told\nyour boobs.", "What happened?", "Did I pass out?", "Oh, my...", "Please stop hitting me!", "Hey.", "Are... Are you sure you're...", "Well, no, not positive.", "I'm a week late.", "But I'm never late;\nit's a point of pride with me.", "I'm going to go", "see the doctor on Monday\nto find out for sure.", "Until then, not a word\nof this to anyone.", "Not even Kevin?", "I mean, it's probably his.", "I've spent years\ntraining my boys", "to swim the other way.", "Kevin and I haven't had sex yet.", "If I'm pregnant, you're the dad.", "That's wonderful!", "Huh?", "I'm gonna be a daddy!", "Okay, one scotch for me,", "one iced tea on the rocks glass\nfor Mommy.", "Stop it.", "Sorry, sorry.", "Keeping it secret.", "Oop, I think I gave you\nthe wrong one.", "Here, let me just...", "Give it to me.\nDrop... let go.", "Take it away from you.", "Barney, why are you\nso happy about this?", "Because this is perfect.", "I want to be a dad.", "This is not good news.", "I have a boyfriend.", "Yeah, but if Kevin\nweren't around...", "It doesn't matter!", "I don't want kids.", "I've never wanted kids,", "and never, in a million years,\nwill I ever want kids.", "Sorry, kids.", "I can't have a baby.", "Hey, guys!", "Guess what this is!", "One of your socks?\nBoom! You're huge.", "No, it's our unborn son's\nChristmas stocking.", "Grandma Gunderson\nstarted knitting it", "the day Lily and I got married.", "She died before\nshe could finish.", "I miss stockings.", "My stepdad Clint\nmade us get rid of anything", "that reminds him of the\ncommercialization of Christmas.", "I thought you said he\ndresses up as Santa.", "Yeah, but, uh,\nto protest gender stereotypes,", "he plays Santa as a woman.", "Though, he keeps the beard.", "The result is disturbing.", "Well, we should go.", "We have to get\nto We B Babies", "so that we can register\nfor our shower.", "No can do.", "Um, I have a big project\nthat I'm working on.", "This is Richard Holdman's house\nin East Meadow.", "Last year, he had the\nmost visited Christmas display", "in the tri-state area.", "But not this year.\nYou know why?", "Because Big Fudge\nhas come to town,", "and he brought his two friends:", "Mannim... Steamroller.", "Game on.", "Are you okay?", "Yeah.", "Uh, it's just, um...", "I hate Mannheim\nSteamroller.", "Isn't there anyone\nelse you can use?", "Come on! Who am I gonna use\nif not the Steamroller?!", "I don't know. AC/DC?", "AC/DC?", "Robin, do you have any idea", "why they call them\nMannheim Steamroller?", "Because they rock... so hard,\nso festively,", "that steam comes out\nof your brain.", "As it melts.", "So I have to go to\nWe B Babies by myself?", "Robin and I will\ngo with you.", "Barney, what are\nwe doing here?", "I want to show you\nthat having a kid", "is nothing to be afraid of.", "Kids. Stop.", "Okay, first\non the registry:", "nipple butter.", "Uh-oh.", "As you breast-feed,", "your nipples stretch out,\nlike, four inches", "and get all dry and cracked.", "The nipple butter\nstops the bleeding.", "My four-inch nipples are\ngoing to crack and bleed?!", "Yes, but while the baby is\ngnawing on your bleeding nips,", "look what she'll be wearing.", "Insane Duane?", "Barney?", "Insane Duane was your father's\nbest friend,", "back in the days before\nhe met me or your Uncle Ted.", "We're going back to her place.", "Boom!", "All right, you win!", "Here's 20 for picking up a girl\nwith only one word.", "And here's another 20\nfor that word being \"boner.\"", "Thank you.", "I'll meet you back here in an\nhour when I'm done with, uh...", "Ah, who cares what her name is;\nshe won't be", "around long enough\nfor it to matter.", "Nice!", "Shh...", "I can't believe\nI haven't seen you around.", "Well, after Sheila and I\nhad that quickie,", "my life's been playdates,\npreschools and poops.", "I haven't set foot\nin a bar in years.", "You stopped drinking?", "Oh, I still drink.", "Vaginal\nnumbing spray.", "Apparently, after child birth,", "your hoo-ha looks like\nRocky Balboa's face.", "You can't have a baby!\n- I can't have a baby!", "The next day,\nwe went to the doctor.", "Well, Mrs. Scherbatsky,", "I'm sure that you\nand your husband...", "Uh, he's not my husband.", "Oh, I'm so sorry.", "Your boyfriend then.", "He's not my boyfriend.", "Oh, bozhe.", "All right, well,\nI will just cut to the chase.", "Wait! Wait.", "All right.", "Okay.", "All right, we're ready. Good.", "not pregnant.", "Yeah!", "Oh, yeah!\n- Yeah!", "That's what I'm\ntalking about!", "Yeah, you know,\nyou know!", "Again, sorry kids.", "Hey, mister.", "Are you putting up\nall these Christmas lights?", "Oh, kid, by the time I'm done,", "you're gonna be able to see this\nson of a bitch from outer space.", "Ah, cool.", "I wanted to put lights\non our house,", "but my dad says he's too busy\nwith work and stuff.", "Hey, what do you say, uh,\nyou come back here next weekend", "and help me out?", "Yeah!", "You've got yourself a deal.", "I'm Scott.", "I'm... Mr. Eriksen.", "Thanks, Mr. E.", "Mr. E.", "Looks like some little scamp\njust earned the right", "to put the Vikings helmet\non baby Jesus.", "Later that week,\nas I was enjoying every second", "of not being pregnant...", "Next on Teenage Mommies...", "But you said\nyou would watch Bella.", "I have cheerleading practice.", "Sucks to be you, Braces.", "Oh. Um...", "Yello!", "Uh, yeah, I can come back in.", "Robin, we ran some\ntests last week.", "This is going to be\ndifficult to hear.", "And then the doctor said a\nbunch of medical stuff that...", "well, the gist of it was this.", "I can't have a baby.", "No. You can't have a baby.", "Uh, great.", "Uh, well, I mean,\num, not-not great.", "I mean, I've never wanted kids,", "so if it has to happen\nto someone...", "Robin, is there anyone\nyou can talk to about this?", "Perhaps a close friend?", "I knew I could have\ntalked to my friends.", "But, it's just, I already knew", "exactly how\nthey would all react.", "Ted would go into overdrive\ntrying to make me feel better.", "You need comfort food.", "Fried chicken, mac and cheese,\nmashed potatoes.", "Open your present,\nI'll work on these shoulders.", "Okay, just breathe,\nrelax, eat your chicken.", "Come on,\neat, breathe,", "open it, breathe,\nopen it, eat.", "Robin, why are you so tense?!", "Lily would just implode.", "And here I've been going\non and on about babies.", "Oh, I am such a bad friend!", "And I'd wind up comforting her.", "It's okay.", "You have to punch\nme in the face!", "Marshall would ask me\na ton of questions", "I don't know the answers to.", "Have you thought about adoption?\n- Um, well...", "Does this kind of thing\nrun in your family?", "Uh...", "What was the date, duration", "and consistency\nof your last period?", "And your father would\nbend over backwards", "trying to make me laugh.", "A priest and a rabbi\nwalk into a bar--", "no, a barbershop--\nno, a post office--", "no, it's two priests--\nno, it's two ducks--", "no, a priest holding a duck--\nand he's Polish.", "The priest, not the duck.", "Actually, the duck\ncould be Polish, too.", "Doesn't matter.", "Yes it does.\nThe duck's not Polish.", "And when that didn't work,", "he would actually\nbend over backwards.", "Pratfall!", "Ow!", "The bottom line is, I didn't\nfeel like talking about it.", "So when Ted asked...", "Hey, Robin, you okay?\nYou look upset.", "I just came up with the first\nlie that popped into my head.", "Yeah. Uh...", "I just found out I can never...", "be a pole-vaulter\nfor the Canadian Olympic team.", "I'm too tall or something.", "Robin, I'm sorry.\nI'm so sorry, Robin.", "I had no idea.\nThat's terrible.", "Can we get some fried chicken\nover here, stat!", "I am such a\nbad friend!", "Three slutty nuns\nshow up at St. Peter's--", "Wait, wait, they're not slutty.", "Well, they are, but you're not\nsupposed to know that yet.", "Um...", "Hey, baby, what's up?", "Hey, uh, listen,\nthe construction of", "the Symphony of Illumination\nis taking", "a little longer than I thought.", "Good thing I have\nScott here to help me.", "Right, Scott?", "You betcha, Mr. E!", "Bad news.", "Robin's too tall", "to be an Olympic\npole-vaulter.", "Has she filed an appeal\nwith the IOC?", "Have you filed\nan appeal with the IOC?", "Can she make herself shorter\nby slouching?", "Can you make yourself\nshorter by slouching?", "Has she considered\ngoing back to school", "and competing at\nthe collegiate level?", "Have you considered\ngoing back to school and...", "I don't want to talk about it.", "Sorry.", "I love you, baby.\nSee you tomorrow.", "Okay, I love you, too.", "Scott?", "Scott, I dropped my phone.", "Yep, found it.", "Could you bring it up here?", "You got it.", "Hey, while I'm at it,\ncan I get you a beer?", "He wants to bring\nthe old man a beer.", "Yeah, sure.", "Uh, there's a whole case\nin the fridge.", "Thanks, son.", "Do you, do you mind\nif I call you \"son\"?", "You can call me\nwhatever you want...", "jackass.", "Scott?", "The ladder fell.", "Scott?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Scott!", "What are we doing?", "Listen, um,", "I know things have been\nkind of weird", "between you and me\nthese past couple weeks,", "so I just want to say I'm...", "I'm glad we're back\nto where we started.", "Yeah.\n- Friends with benefits.", "No.\n- Just like always.", "Never been that.\nJust friends.", "With benefits.\nWe'll talk about it later.", "Look at all\nthese babies.", "Isn't it crazy how,\nnow that we're not having one,", "babies are cute again?", "Look at that one.", "I'm good.", "No, I'm serious.\nLook, look.", "Damn it.", "That thing's cute as crap.", "Screw you, baby.", "Scott?", "Scott!", "What is going on?", "Hey, Mr. E.\nScott...", "if you do not let me down,\nI am going to scream", "my head off until someone\ncomes to help me,", "and then you're going to have to\nexplain all of this to the cops.", "And then you'll have to explain\nwhy there's", "a picture of my ding-dong\non your phone.", "There is no picture of your...", "There is now.", "Oh, yeah, that's a beauty.", "Scott?", "Scott!", "Scott!", "Marshall keeps", "asking me to text him\npictures of my boobies.", "After all these years,", "he sometimes still acts\nlike a teenager.", "I'll be right back.", "Insane Duane.", "It's Sane Duane now.", "You used to be\nmagnificent.", "Are you okay?", "Yeah, yeah, um,\nI guess this, um,", "this pole-vaulting thing\nis finally hitting me.", "I don't get it, Robin.", "Did you really want\nto be a pole-vaulter?", "No, no, I was,\nuh, I was always", "adamantly against having a...", "uh, a pole-vaulting career,", "even though it's\nwhat most women want.", "Most women want\nto be a pole-vaulter?", "In Canada--\nit's very big up there.", "You know, it's,\nit's meet a nice guy,", "get married, vault some poles,", "but I...", "never wanted that.", "Of course, it's one thing\nnot to want something.", "It's another to be told\nyou can't have it.", "I guess it's,\nit's just nice knowing", "that you could someday do it\nif you changed your mind.", "But now, all of a sudden,\nthat door is closed.", "What about the one where you ski\nand shoot at the same time?", "That seems like something\nyou'd be good at.", "Oh, my God, Robin, look at this.", "O Cana-dorable!", "Am I right?", "Excuse me.", "Yep, this works.", "Scott, when I get", "down from here, you are going", "to be in big, big trouble,\nmister.", "Come on, Mr. E.", "Didn't you ever cut loose\nwhen you were a kid?", "That's irrelevant.", "I mean, of course I did.", "One time, when my parents\nwere out of town,", "my brothers and I set\nthe basement on fire", "hosting\nan amateur wrestling exhibition.", "There were some theatrics.", "See, you get me.", "I don't think of you as some\ndummy I trapped on the roof.", "I think of you more like,\nlike my dad.", "Can we keep the party going\nfor 30 more minutes, please?", "Okay, Scott.", "Thanks, Pop.", "It's fine, kid just needed\nto blow off some steam.", "No!", "Grandma Gunderson knitted that!", "Scott...!", "That was crazy.", "She just ran\nout of there crying.", "Now she's not\nanswering her phone.", "She's been acting really weird\nfor a few weeks now,", "really since the night\nwe discussed the hurricane.", "Barney, you split a cab home.", "Did she say anything?", "We didn't really talk much.", "Well, lucky for us,", "someone at this table is skilled", "in the art of detection.", "Robin's upset.", "She and Kevin\nare having trouble.", "He cheated on her.\n- No way.", "Kevin's an honest, decent guy\nwho never on his best day", "could pull a hotter chick\nthan Robin.", "Maybe Robin cheated on him.", "Maybe Robin is the dirty bird\nwho slept with someone else.", "I don't know,\nthis pole-vaulting thing seems", "like a slam dunk to me.", "Oh, it is so obvious.", "Barney.", "What is the name of that guy", "you worked with-- uh, Randy?", "It was Randy.", "Wait a second.", "I just cracked this case.", "The little maple leaf onesie.", "It made her homesick.", "That's why she's so upset.", "She's not going home\nfor Christmas.", "She wants me\nto invite her to Ohio.", "That's got to be it!", "Either that\nor she slept with Barney.", "Oh, you must be Scott.", "Oh, hello, ma'am.", "It's nice to finally\nsee your face.", "Well, I'd better go\nhit those books.", "Hold it right there, young man.", "This is for helping out\nmy husband.", "Wow, 50 bucks.", "Merry Christmas.", "Lily!", "An airplane ticket\nto Cleveland?", "I know it's not Canada,\nbut it starts with a \"C\"", "and it's cold as balls,\nso get packed.", "You're coming home\nwith me for Christmas.", "Yeah, nice try, dude.", "I wouldn't go to Cleveland", "for $125 million\npaid over six years.", "Still?", "Still with the LeBron jokes?", "Where's that ring, huh?", "Where's that ring\nhe's supposed to have by now?", "Look, I just-- I thought\nyou were bummed", "about not going home\nfor Christmas.", "Are you kidding?", "I love New York at Christmas.", "It's so quiet and peaceful.", "Got my eggnog to keep\nme company, so...", "Robin, what's wrong?", "Nothing.\n- Just tell me.", "Why do you need\nto know so bad?", "So I can cheer you up.", "It's not your job\nto cheer me up.", "Yes, it is.", "Cheering you up is my job.", "Well, then, you're fired.", "You can't fire me.", "I'm union, bitch.", "It's not your job\nto cheer me up.", "Yes, it is.\n- No, it's not.", "Yes, it is.", "No, it's not.", "Merry Christmas, Ted.", "Merry Christmas.", "So, kids, I settled in\nfor a Christmas alone.", "I appreciated that Ted wanted\nto cheer me up,", "but honestly,\nit wasn't necessary.", "So I can't have kids.", "Big deal.", "This way there's no one\nto hold me back in life,", "no one to keep me\nfrom traveling", "where I want to travel,", "no one getting\nin the way of my career.", "If you want to know\nthe truth of it,", "I'm glad you guys aren't real.", "Really glad.", "Damn it.", "(\"Highway to Hell\" by AC/DC\nplaying)", "Yes, it is.", "Look, you don't want to\ntell me what's wrong, fine.", "I don't need to know.", "But you can never stop me\nfrom trying to cheer you up.", "It's a fact of life.", "You're just gonna\nhave to deal with it.", "Ted...", "Hold on, hold on,\nthis is the best part.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I'm on the highway to hell \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa On the highway to hell \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Highway to hell... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Kids, your Aunt Robin\nnever became a pole-vaulter,", "but she did become\na famous journalist,", "a successful businesswoman,\na world traveler.", "She was even briefly\na bullfighter--", "that's a funny story,\nI'll get to that one later.", "But there's one thing\nyour Aunt Robin never was.", "She was never alone."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E13 Tailgate": ["Kids, on New Year's Day 2012,", "Uncle Marshall took a trip\nto Minnesota", "to see someone he truly missed.", "Hey, Pop.", "I can't believe\nit's been a year.", "I think the most appropriate way", "to honor your memory today...", "is to get blasted", "and watch the Vikings\nmake the Bears", "their furry little bitches.", "Go, Vikes!\n- Shh.", "Sorry for your loss.", "Which is what\nwe'll be saying to the Bears", "in about three hours,\nright, Pop?", "Kids, tailgating\nat the Vikings-Bears game", "was a tradition\nfor Uncle Marshall and his dad.", "That's how\nthe government", "covered up the UFO crash\nin Roswell:", "by canning the sliced up\nalien carcasses", "and calling it Spam.", "a.k.a Sliced Processed Alien Meat", "Wow.", "Is there anything\nyou don't know, Dad?", "No.", "I know most stuff.", "And in your honor...", "three decades of pork fat,\nlighter fluid and Bengay.", "Dear God, that's the stuff.", "So much to catch you up on.", "So, last night\nwas New Year's Eve.", "That's a crazy story.", "So you haven't told your dad\nthat you're pregnant yet?", "No. But why should I?", "My dad has never\nbeen there for me.", "This is just another chance\nfor him to let me down.", "Lily, you have to tell him.", "He's at some board game\nconvention in Chicago.", "He's your dad.", "I don't see why people\naren't getting this.", "Shoplifter\ndoes not promote crime.", "It celebrates it.", "Excuse me.", "Yeah.", "Hey, Dad.", "I'm, uh, calling with\nsome pretty big news.", "I'm pregnant.", "Great. Thanks.", "Anyway, Dad, Ted and Barney's, New Year's Eve", "wasn't off\nto a great start, either.", "Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa,\nwhoa. It's 50 bucks,", "and the line\nstarts out there.", "Uh, we're regulars.\nOh, in that case,", "the line starts out there,\nand it's 50 bucks.", "You got a problem\nwith that?", "Kids, here's why we didn't have\na problem with that.", "And he was even scarier\nwithout the toupee.", "No problem.\nIt's a little drafty.", "We'll get you\na nice hot cocoa.", "Check it out.", "Sandy Rivers'\nNew Year's Eve show.", "Thank God\nI don't have to produce", "this frozen pile\nof poo.", "How'd you dodge\nthat bullet?", "Well, maybe Tina,\nthe producer, he, uh, picked,", "is more talented\nthan I am...", "at lying down while Sandy\ndoes his business on her.", "Does it bother you\nthat this pervert's", "on the air,\nand you're not anymore?", "Do you miss it?", "What? Why would...\nwhy would I miss it?", "No. I would rather", "be warm and cozy\nhere in denial-- my apartment.", "Robin,\nI'm no therapist--", "wait, yes, I am--", "but I've got a New Year's\nresolution for you.", "Get back on camera.", "Mine was going to be \"make\na sex tape,\" so... two birds.", "Hold that thought.", "Hello?", "Sandy?", "Tina quit.", "The woman I love just quit.", "Love?\nShe's my everything, Robin.", "My sun, my stars, my oxygen.", "Plus, she likes it\nfast and dirty,", "and that's how Sandy rides.", "I need you here ASAP.", "Are you kidding me?", "Marcus?", "What the heck\nare you doing here?", "What the heck are you\ndoing here?", "I wanted to see Dad today 'in private'.", "Well, I had the same idea,", "and I drove all the way\nfrom Mom's, so get lost.", "I flew here, so you get lost.", "Um, I'm trying to have\na poignant moment", "with our departed father,\nturd face.", "Well, I'm trying\nto feel Dad's spirit", "flow through my soul,\nbutt breath.", "I'm reaching out to the beyond", "to touch Dad's inner light,\nass clown.", "I hear Dad's voice\nlike an ethereal song", "guiding me toward salvation,\ndouche nozzle.", "Dibs on Dad.\n- Dibs on Dad times infinity.", "Oh!\nOoh.", "I'll just pretend\nlike you're not here.", "What?", "Dad, do you hear something?", "Perhaps the high-pitched whine\nof someone who wet their bed", "until they were 11!", "Ten.", "Anyway, Dad, since it's just\nthe two of us...", "Lily and I\nwere going to spend New Year's", "unpacking the baby room.", "Um, sweetie, why\nis this book in here?", "That's Enigmas of The Mystical.", "It's all about\nmysterious", "and unexplained phenomena.", "Don't you remember the TV\ncommercials from the '80s?", "June 17th, 1983.", "Tempe, Arizona.", "A woman makes\na chicken salad sandwich.", "Chicken salad sandwich.", "Halfway across the country\nin Michigan,", "her daughter\nis compelled to make", "almost exactly\nthe same sandwich.", "Tuna salad.", "Coincidence?", "Or an enigma of the mystical!", "Yeah, those enigmas\nalways seemed a bit thin to me.", "Thin?\nLily, this is 200 pages", "of detailed accounts\nabout Bigfoot, ghosts,", "aliens abducting people from\ntheir beds and probing them.", "I'm going to read it\nto Baby Eriksen", "at night-night.", "You really want\nto read our kid", "bedtime stories about monsters?", "First of all,\nI wouldn't use the \"M\" word.", "Only they can call\nthemselves that.", "And secondly,\nare you really saying", "you don't want to raise\nour child as a believer?", "I don't want\nto brainwash our child", "to believe in something\nwith no proof.", "It's not about proof;\nit's about faith.", "Faith is what gives life\nshape and meaning.", "I mean, if there aren't yetis\nor leprechauns,", "what's the point of even\ngetting up in the morning?", "I don't know.", "Wife, unborn child,\ndrop a deuce?", "Lily, don't you think\nit's a bit narcissistic", "not to allow for something\nbigger than us out there?", "Something whose\nbeauty and power", "and majesty humbles us?", "God?\nWerewolves.", "So, as the countdown\nto 212 continues,", "a quick warning, America:", "Tina Henderson\nis a soulless bitch", "who will stomp on your heart.", "I need you back, Tina.", "I love you.", "Well, if that's as bad\nas it gets, we might be okay.", "Bathroom break.", "Oh, good.", "It's on the Jumbotron.", "Oh, finally.", "Yeah, that'll be\n100 bucks each.", "What? You said 50.", "That was before\nthe place got crowded.", "Okay? It's\nNew Year's Eve.", "People get rowdy\nand break stuff.", "The cover protects us.", "Plus, you get these\nfestive hats.", "For an additional\n15 bucks.", "They're wet.", "Dry ones are 20.", "That's it.", "Don't bother,\neverybody.", "MacLaren's is a rip-off!", "You'd all be better off", "coming upstairs\nto my place for a beer.", "Hey, dude. You serious?", "Ted, do you remember\na couple years ago,", "we had the best idea\nof all time?", "We should buy a bar.", "Of course! We could buy a bar!", "The name of\nour bar?", "Puzzles.", "People will be like,\n\"Why is it called Puzzles?\"", "That's the puzzle.", "A bar where no\none's overcharged,", "where everyone feels\nvalued and respected.", "A bar...", "where we get chicks drunk\nand bang them.", "We're opening\nPuzzles tonight.", "Of course we're opening\nPuzzles tonight!", "Aren't you going to ask us\nwhy it's called Puzzles?", "Nope.", "Okay.", "Okay, we're back\nlive in 30 seconds.", "I don't know.", "Uht's see if he's\nstill wearing his mic.", "Taxi, take me to Tina's house.", "50 West 67th.", "Sir, this is a falafel stand,", "and you're sitting\nin the hummus", "Okay.", "Run the montage of people who\ndied this year until I get back.", "And add Sandy,", "because when I find him,\nI'm going to kill him.", "Anyway, Dad...\n- Stop hogging Dad already.", "I've got stuff to tell him, too.\n- Like what?", "You're still living with Mom,\nand you have no job.", "Go ahead.", "So, anyway...", "July 8, 19.", "Cheyenne, Wyoming.", "A hunter spots\na hairy form in the fore.", "Bigfoot.", "His story\nis dismissed", "because, to be honest,\nhe'd been drinking", "and had a history\nof mental problems.", "But was it a hoax?", "Or was it an enigma of the...", "It was an idiot\nin a gorilla suit.", "Enigma.\nGorilla suit.", "Enigma!\nGorilla suit!", "Marshall? Marcus?", "What are you guys doing he?", "Having a private\nmoment with Dad.", "No, I'm having\na private moment with Dad.", "No, I'm having\na private moment with Dad.", "Touchdown, Vikings!", "Boom! Yeah!", "Anyway, Dad,", "since it's still\njust the two of us,", "I'll go on.", "I've always envisioned Puzzles\nas a literary salon,", "where Gotham's intelligentsia\nhold court", "on art, philosophy\nand literature.", "Great.", "And while you're distracting\nthe nerds and fatties,", "I'll be in the VIP room\ngetting it in.", "Uh, yeah, dude,\nI don't know", "where you got a velvet rope,\nbut you can't", "use my room\nfor anonymous sex.", "I'm kind of a neat freak\nthat way.", "Hey, guys, I have an idea\nfor Puzzles.", "What if... What?", "Oh. Okay. I understand.", "But he we like\nyour energy.", "How would you like\nto be our star bartender.", "I've always wanted\nto be a bartender.", "It's just like\nbeing a therapist.", "You listen to people's problems,\npretend to care,", "but you can drink openly,", "instead of having to hide\nyour booze in a coffee mug.", "Great. Oh,\ncheck it out.", "We worked out\na theme song for Puzzles.", "While I was carrying\n100-pound kegs", "up four flights of stairs?\nAwesome.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Puzzles is a place\nwhere people go \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa To feel like they belong \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Gonna take advantage\nof dumb drunk girls \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "No, we're not.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa That would be wrong \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa A place where wit\nand wisdom bloom \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aaA place to bang chicks\nin Ted's room \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Not gonna happen.\n- We'll talk about it.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa At Puzzles,\nwe all fit together \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And I'm the bartender! \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "I'll go get\nthe other kegs.", "Probably a good idea.", "We got to work out\nsome harmonies.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And I'm right here \u00e2\u0099\u00aa\n\u00e2\u0099\u00aa No, you actually down here \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Excuse me, sir?\nAbout the TVs,", "we in the middle\nburying my aunt, so...", "Oh I'm sorry.\nWe'll keep it down.", "No, I just want\nto check out the score.", "Actually, I'm trying to have", "a private moment\nwith my dad, so...", "Oh.", "It's just that I used to goto Vikes's", "with my aunt;\nmay she rest in peace.", "Anyway, so back\nto my story.", "She also loved burgers.", "So now,\nback to my story.", "Aunt Laura sure loved\na toasted bun.", "Tina, please tell me\nSandy's here.", "Don't worry, he's here.", "And we're back...\ntogether!", "He told me he loves me,\nhe's sorry,", "and I'm the only girl for him.", "You know, since we'll here,", "and we're all horny...", "I don't know\nwhat went wrong.", "Well, proposing the\nthree-way was bad,", "starting without us\nwas worse,", "finishing in the hallway was\nthe nail in the coffin.", "No! Stop drinking!", "I gotta get you\nback on air!", "But I'm single and\nready to mingle!", "Hello, there.", "Oh, the Twitter-verse\nblowing up about", "a new apartment-themed bar\ncalled Puzzles.", "Why is it called\nPuzzles?", "That's the puzzle!", "Anyway, this VIP room\nhas a maximum occupancy", "of two people including me,\nso eeny...", "and the rest\nof you may go.", "It's funny,\nbut it seems each time", "I read James Joyce's Ulysses,", "it's a different book,", "begging the question:\nHas the book changed...", "or have I?", "Okay, people are getting rowdy\nand drunk and breaking things.", "I know this goes against\nthe Puzzles mission statement", "you made me memorize, but we\ngotta raise our drink prices.", "All right, just a little bit\nso no one will notice.", "Boo!", "Poodles sucks!", "And that's when the night\nturned to absolute crap.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa At Puzzles,\nwe all fit together \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa On sunny days\nor stormy weather \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa So pull up a chair and sit'\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa To share and stories to tell \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Puzzles is a place where\neverybody feels at home \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And we bang chicks\nin Ted's room. \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "What-what do, what do,\nwhat do we do?", "And so Puzzles got a bouncer,", "All right, you know what,\nyou guys?", "No. No, no, no, no, no,\nyou said double", "what MacLaren's\nwas paying me.", "And why isn't anyone wearing\nthe hats I brought up?!", "November 14th...", "1982.", "Everglades National Park,\nFlorida.", "Five mysterious lights dance\nin the night sky.", "A ray shoots down,\nlifting the park ranger,", "who, to be fair, was going\nthrough a bad divorce", "and had a habit of lying\nto get attention.", "I hate this job, Sandy!", "I went into journalism\nto make a difference,", "but you have made\nthat impossible.", "You know, to be honest,\nit hasn't been", "an easy couple months for me.\nI've made mistakes.", "I've felt alone.\nI had to let go of dreams", "I didn't even know I had.", "So here's the deal:", "You're gonna get\nback on air", "and count us\ninto a better year,", "because I just can't do\n2011 anymore. You with me?", "He's not with me, is he?", "Anyway, Dad, where was I?", "You know what?\nFine, get out of here!", "We don't need ya!", "And why doesn't anybody\nlike these hats?", "I made these hats.", "It's because\nthey' wet, Doug.", "Why are they all wet?!", "Were those our last customers?", "Let me go check\nthe bathroom.", "You must be\nfrom the escort service.", "The scenario is high school\nwrestling match.", "Hello?", "So get this:\nI lost Sandy Rivers.", "Funny you should mention that.", "It's almost midnight!", "What am I gonna do,\ngo on the air myself?", "Listen... Wait. Yeah, do that!", "No, I-I can't actually.", "Yes, you can. It's what you\nreally want and you deserve it.", "Kevin, that's not how it works.", "Sounds like that's\nyour only choice.", "New York's a big city.", "Sandy Rivers\ncould be anywhere.", "And... wrestle!", "Hey.", "I'm sorry, baby.", "I just...\nI want our kid", "to believe that the\nuniverse is magical.", "You know, like\nmy dad taught me.", "You know what\nmy dad taught me?", "Nothing...\n'cause he was never there.", "June 22nd, 1996,\nBrooklyn, New York.", "A man misses his daughter's\nhigh school graduation.", "Later, she discovers\nher babysitting money", "has been spent on\na board game called", "Who Stole The\nBabysitting Money?", "He never saw\nthe irony in that.", "December 31st, 2011.", "A woman calls her father\nto tell him she's pregnant.", "says, 'Great. Thanks,'\nand hangs up on her.", "And after pushing\nher to call him,", "a Big Foot is discovered\nin her husband's mouth.", "I'm glad you're\na believer, baby,", "but I'm never gonna believe\nin an \"enigma of the mystical\"", "unless I see it\nwith my own eyes.", "Because the truth is,", "my father never taught me\nbelieve in anything but myself.", "Well, if it helps at all,\nI believe in you, too.", "Then there's a pretty\ngood chance I don't exist.", "How dare you?!", "Oh, my God!", "This is Robin Scherbatsky\nfilling in for Sandy Rivers.", "You know, America,", "tonight I've been groped,\nstepped in puke", "and until 10 minutes ago", "had no idea I would be\non national television.", "That's my girl.", "But that's the magic\nof New Year's.", "When that clock\nstrikes midnight,", "we all get a fresh start.", "And I don't know about you,\nbut I could really use one.", "And that magic moment\nstarts in ten...", "nine...", "That night became a turning\npoint in Robin's career.", "But we'll get to that.", "They're nice hats, Doug.", "They're wet\nbut they're nice.", "...three, two, one.", "And that's the story\nof New Year's Eve.", "You know, I've been thinking", "that the reason I got so intense\nwith Lily", "about Enigmas of the Mystical\nis that, well...", "Could you pass the pickles?", "...with you gone, I feel\nthe mystical a little less.", "Can you hand me the chips?", "Sometimes\nI feel you a little less.", "That's why today was\nso important because I just...", "I needed to...", "Did you just open a beer\non my father's headstone?", "Actually, it's a hard cider.", "And just as he was about\nto lose it...", "Hey, Marvin, can you\npass me a burger?", "Hey, not Marvin. Marshall.", "Sorry, it's just,\nyou're so much like your pop.", "Your Uncle Marshall\nthought back", "to all those tailgates\nwith his father.", "Hey, mind if I grab one?", "The more the merrier!\nAll right.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa The time has come\nto heal our wounds \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa The time has come,\nit's coming soon...", "And he realized that maybe\nprivate moments are overrated.", "You know what?", "The more the merrier.", "Hey, guys.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa The time has come\nto heal the wounds. \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Happy New Year.", "Happy New Year.", "January 1st, 2012,\nEast Meadow, New York.", "A woman answers her door to\nfind something more enigmatic", "and mysterious than Bigfoot\nor the Loch Ness Monster.", "Dad?", "Hey.", "I thought you were in Chicago.", "I was.", "Great. Thanks.", "My daughter's having a baby!", "Did you drive all night?", "Yeah.", "Well, Teddy and I\nsplit the drive.", "This guy's a maniac\nbehind the wheel.", "Congrats, Princess.", "Happy New Year, Dad."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E14 46 Minutes": ["Hey, guys.\nWhere are Marshall and Lily?", "Something terrible\nhappened.", "Are they okay?\nAre they in the hospital?", "No.", "Somewhere much... much worse.", "Long Island!", "Tonight, we're moving\nout there for good.", "Yeah. Here are your spare\nkeys to our new house.", "Long Island?", "I don't understand.", "You can get spray tans here.", "I never let myself", "believe this day\nwould really come.", "It's like when\nthey canceled", "Party of Five\nfor the second time.", "I mean when they...\ncanceled sports.", "Guys, we'll still see\neach other all the time,", "and we'll talk\non the phone.", "And I know people say\nthat having kids means", "you won't see your\nfriends anymore, but...", "Oh, God, this is\ngood-bye, isn't it?", "No. Stop it.", "Guys, this doesn't", "change anything.", "We are only a 46-minute\ntrain ride away.", "Just pop out", "whenever you want.", "So... I guess\nthis seat is open.", "I'll go get a chair.", "So that's it.", "No more Marshall.", "No more Lily.", "They're gone.", "Which means...", "no lame married couple", "shooting down\nall my amazing ideas.", "Guys, great news.", "I'm the new leader\nof the gang!", "Marshall and Lily were almost\ndone decorating their new home.", "I like it there much better.\nYeah.", "There was only one problem.", "Wrong!", "This can't go here.", "Kids, when he found out\nshe was pregnant,", "Lily's estranged father", "unexpectedly showed up\non her doorstep.", "It was a gesture\nshe appreciated.", "But after two weeks,\nthey'd had just about enough.", "That has to go there", "to cover up\nthe splintery floorboard.", "And you can't hang", "this picture here.", "This isn't plaster;\nit's dried toothpaste.", "Guys, you're so lucky I'm here.", "I grew up in this house.", "I know it like\nthe back of my hand.", "And this lamp\nabsolutely cannot be here.", "Why not?", "Blocks my view\nof the Widow Rodriguez", "doing her Jane Fonda workouts.", "Isn't she\na little old, Dad?", "Oh, you didn't see her\nwhen I was a kid.", "In my mind, she'll always be 54.", "I know he means well, but\nI can't take it anymore.", "He won't leave,\nand-and he's acting", "like this is his house.\nNo, I know.", "And these annoying notes\nhe keeps leaving around?", "\"I need absolute silence\nwhen practicing the drums.\"", "\"Do not touch the fudge\nin my nightstand.\"", "\"We need ant traps\nfor my nightstand.\"", "I find myself\nhiding out here", "just because it's the only room\nin the house", "where he can't boss us around.", "Great news.", "I put new batteries\nin the old intercom system.", "Now we can communicate\nat all times.", "Mickey out.", "Look at what's become\nof our booth.", "Looks like my old\nshop teacher's hand--", "just sort of\nmissing something.", "Enough!", "I am sick of you two\nwallowing in sadness,", "instead of doing\nthe healthy thing", "and pretending\nanyone who leaves you", "never existed\nin the first place.", "I hate to agree with Barney's", "near-paralyzing\nabandonment issues,", "but he has a point.", "You can't just stop living", "because two of your friends\nmoved away.", "Precisely.", "Now, as new group leader,\nI say we go out and do something", "that we never would have done\nwith Marshall and Lily here.", "Ooh.", "Remember that amazing idea\nI had that one time?", "Let's go to a strip club.\nNope.", "So what do you say?", "Let's declare\nour independence", "with an on-da-peen dance.", "On-the-peen dance.", "No, we got it.\nWe got it.", "Let's go to a strip club!", "Well...", "I'm going to miss\nthem anywhere.", "Might as well see some\ncans while I'm at it.", "I'll take it!", "Robin, Kevin, you in?", "Kids, early in any\nrelationship,", "there's a phase where you don't\nsay no to anything.", "Because you want\nto seem interesting...", "adventurous...", "and open-minded.", "I call it\nEarly Relationship Chicken.", "Well, I'm open\nto anything.", "Oh, mos' def.", "So...\nSo...", "I don't want to go\nto a strip club.", "I don't want\nto go to a strip club.", "But I don't want him\nto think I'm some prude.", "Man, we've been saying \"so\"\nfor a while.", "Yeah!\nYeah!", "Yes!", "Tonight is going\nto be legen--", "Wait, are we sure it's a\ngood idea to go to a strip club?", "Shut up, Lily!\nI'm in charge now-- dary!", "I've got no\ncell reception.", "I wanted to call Ted.", "This feels weird.", "The last time I lived\nthis far from him", "was my semester abroad.", "You never did a semester abroad.", "That's what I called it\nwhen we lived", "on opposite sides of campus.", "Wrong!", "Please tell me you're not\nplugging that in there.", "Yes, Mickey,\nthat's exactly what I'm doing.", "All right, fine.\nI won't say anything.", "It's... just that\nthis was my room", "when I growing up,", "so I know it a little\nbetter than you.", "Lot of great memories here.", "Mostly just discovering my body.", "That's it.", "Mickey, since you got here,", "you've been nothing\nbut judgmental and pushy", "and strangely obsessed\nwith your adolescent sex life.", "Tomorrow morning,", "you're out of here.", "Well, I-I've just been trying\nto help you...", "We don't need your help!", "I...", "Oh, it-it's okay, baby.", "It had to be done.", "Too bad the one person", "who could stop you\nfrom making mistakes like that", "was told he has to move out\nnext month.", "Tomorrow!\nTomorrow!", "Would either of you\nlike a dance?", "I'm always ready to rock.", "And I'm always ready to roll.", "So...\nSo...", "I'm not ready to rock.", "Rolling makes me dizzy.", "Hell, yeah!\nYeah!", "I'm buying my man a lap dance,\n'cause that's just how I do!", "Party like a\nrock star!", "Party like a rock star...", "Uh, hey, guys.", "It's Ted.", "Um... you're probably busy\nwith the move still.", "Um...", "Give me a call\nif you want to gab.", "Sorry about using\nthe word \"gab.\"", "Ted, stop pining\nover Marshall and Lily.", "Have some self-respect.", "Now, put this fiver\nin your mouth so...", "that stripper with the lazy eye\ncan vacuum it up with...", "Barney!\nWh-what?", "I'm allowed to miss them, okay?", "They're my two best friends.", "I'm your two best friends!", "And we're here tonight", "to show you there's no need\nto miss something", "when you can replace it\nwith something better.", "Gentlemen, say hello\nto J-J-J-Jasmine!", "Remember her?", "So, a while back, we discovered-", "Lily had a doppelganger", "who was a Russian stripper.", "Look at her, Ted.", "She's just like old,", "less-good Lily,", "but instead of\nbossing us around,", "she shows us her boobs.", "No touching.", "Okay, a little\nbossing us around.", "I call her Better Lily.", "Hey, Better Lily, please\ndance for my friend.", "Barney, I don't\nneed a lap dance.", "I need to talk\nto my friends.", "Who says you\ncan't do both?", "Talk to her.\nShe's got ears.", "Yes, she does have ears.", "You want to touch my\ngirlfriend's boobs?", "50 bucks.", "Wait-- Better Lily\nis dating this behemoth?", "Sound like anyone\nyou know?", "That's New Marshall.", "This is our gang now.", "Hey, guys, Ted again.", "Starting to think\nyou forgot about me.", "Or replaced me\nwith some cool neighbor.", "What's his name?!", "I'm totally kidding.", "Anyway, uh...", "just trying to remember\nwhat your faces look like.", "Ted, when they serve alcohol\nat a strip club,", "you're not allowed\nto show your vagina.", "100 bucks, and you\nwill see the world, my friend.", "They're already\nignoring my calls?", "Look, I'm realistic.", "I knew I'd have to get used\nto going to the dentist alone,", "but I didn't think\nthey'd cut me out completely.", "If they don't", "need us, we don't need them.", "Yes! Finally!", "By the way, did you see\nhow she opened that bottle?", "Whoa.", "Lights out in the suburbs\nis... is really dark.", "Where's the fuse box?", "I don't know.", "I know where it is.", "Maybe I could fix it for you,\nif I wasn't so busy packing.", "You know what?", "I bet the fuse box\nis in the basement.", "I'll just... I'll go\nfind it myself.", "How hard can it be?", "As hard as that desk\nyou just walked into?", "Good burn, Mickey.", "You deserve a little\nnightstand fudge for that one.", "Where do I look?", "I mean, I can't look\nat her chest.", "Damn it! I just did.", "Maybe Robin didn't notice.", "Man, he's really up\nin those jugs.", "Shake it, baby!", "A playa's gotta play!", "This is weird.", "I'll just look her\nin the eyes.", "Is he falling in love\nwith this stripper?", "Quick, do something cool.", "Make it rain, son!", "Money ain't no thang!", "Damn it,\nthere was a 20 in there.", "Hello, Mr. Eriksen.", "From the sound\nof the wind chimes,", "I hear you've made it\nto the first floor.", "Okay... you know what, Mickey?", "You can save the creepy\ngame master routine.", "It's only kind of\nterrifying me.", "Oh, but the game has just begun.", "I call it \"Try Not to Bang into\nAll the Furniture and Stuff", "on Your Way to the Fuse Box\nin the Basement, Marshall.\"", "That's just a working title.", "Hey!", "Got a little boob glitter\non your eyebrow, Mac Daddy.", "Straight pimpin'.", "Barney, you got\na little bit, too.", "Where?", "Did I get it?", "Yeah, you got it.", "Who needs Marshall\nand Lily?", "We got a new gang,", "and we're all going to\nhang out together forever.", "My shift is done.", "Good-bye.", "Wait, stop!", "Technically, this song's not\nover, so we still own you.", "Plus we're best friends!", "Where to next?", "We go to underground\npoker game", "in mostly-abandoned\ninsane asylum.", "Yes!", "This is gonna be awesome,", "and when it is, I want\nyou all to remember", "who led you there:\nBarney Stinson,", "new group leader.", "Yay!", "I'm winning all\nyour chippies!", "Let's not drink\nwhen we're...", "I'm thirsty; it's good.", "It's good.", "Marshall, I just remembered", "I saw a box of matches\nin the drawer by the trash can.", "Okay, thanks, baby.", "Lily, I can't find them.", "Looking for these?", "Oh, right, you can't see me.", "Um, well, I'm burning the\nmatches you so desperately need.", "Aah, ooh, ow!", "Ow.", "Hah! Oh!", "Mickey... guess who found\nthe basement stairs?", "I'll be down\nat that fuse box in no time,", "and when I get there,", "I'm sure that I'll figure out\nhow fuse boxes work,", "so it'll be fine.", "Hey, Marshall,", "I know I've been\nmessing with you,", "but seriously,\nthat second step, don't...", "I don't want to hear it, Mickey.", "Oh, my knee!", "Ow!", "And watch out for my drum set.", "I win again!", "I was bluffing.", "I didn't even have enough cards.", "Ted, please stop winning.", "Hey, look, it's the\nNew York City skyline.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa We built Chip City", "Uh, uh!", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa We built Chip City\non all your dough \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Built Chip City\nHit it!", "You know Butterfly-knife.", "I'd expect this\nfrom Face Tattoo...", "or Jagged Cheek Scar,", "or Larry,", "but not you.", "Why don't I get nickname?", "Because you have too\nmany things, Larry.", "You get one thing!", "See, that's why\nyou bring New Marshall.", "We go to party in\nslaughterhouse.", "You come?", "Please, God, no.", "Don't let me be in charge\nof the gang anymore.", "I can't believe Dr. Kevin\ndoesn't remember me", "from our sessions\nthree years ago.", "Is that the lunatic", "that stabbed\nall those prison guards?", "We gotta hit that party!", "I'll never find love.", "We got to hit that party!", "Sweet.", "Lily?", "I think we made a mistake\nmoving out to the suburbs.", "I miss our home.", "I miss our booth\nwith our friends.", "And I'm pretty sure I have\na drumstick...", "somewhere bad.", "Dad, why are you\nacting like this?", "Well, I was just\ntrying to be helpful,", "but you guys want me out\nby the Fourth of July.", "Tomorrow.", "You know what\na helpful father,", "not to mention grandfather,\nmight do?", "Get these lights back on.", "Okay, Marshall, listen up.", "I'm gonna get you\nto that fuse box.", "Can't you just come down here\nand do it for me, please?", "I don't know anything\nabout this house.", "No, Marshall...", "you don't know anything\nabout your house.", "All right, we got a lot\nof work to do.", "Wait here,\nwe get you", "on VPI list for party.", "You give us, uh,\n$200 per person.", "Cover charge.", "That's pretty steep\nfor a cover charge.", "Is very good party.", "Is party for, uh, New York\n\"Yunkees\" and Coca-Cola.", "Oh, my God.", "A Coca-Cola Yankees party?", "That sounds like a real thing.", "Okay, now, Marshall,\ntake three steps forward,", "while ducking underneath\nthe broken ceiling fan.", "Now look to your left", "and spit.", "That's the water heater.", "Want to stay away from that.", "That baby is hotter than the\nWidow Rodriguez in a unitard.", "Okay, now past the washer and\ndryer is the hardest part.", "You're gonna have to belly-crawl\nunderneath the ping-pong table", "and don't so much as nudge it.", "Why not?", "Because there are\n900 dominos set up", "in the shape of Barbara Eden.", "Big, big I Dream Of Jeannie fan.", "I'm clear.", "I don't know what\nthat sound is, Mickey.", "That's the sound of Barbara\nEden never banging me.", "That's what that is.", "Dad, get it back.", "Come on.", "Okay, Marshall,", "take three steps forward,", "and you should be\nat the fuse box.", "Do you think he made it?", "I did it!", "No, Marshall...", "you did it.", "Fun fact: that night inspired", "Mickey's one and only\nsuccessful board game--", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa With splintery floorboards\nand rusty nails \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Make sure you don't\nget impaled \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Lites Out!", "Brought to you by Aldrin Games!", "Well, judging from\nhow many clients", "that hooker has serviced,", "I'd say we've been\nhere almost an hour.", "Ted, we've been robbed.", "Better Lily and New Marshall\nwould never rob us.", "They're our best friends.", "Damn it, Ted.", "New Marshall is\nan escaped zoo bear", "and the only thing that Better\nLily is better at than our Lily", "is over-the-pants hand stuff.", "I'm assuming.", "I'll admit it.", "I can't lead this group.", "We need Marshall and Lily.", "But they're gone, aren't they?", "I mean, it'll go from seeing\nthem a couple times a week,", "to a couple times a month,", "and then it'll just\nbe holiday parties.", "Then the years pass,", "and you find out\nMarshall's dead,", "and you're there for Lily\nemotionally at first,", "but then it becomes sexual,\nand you feel guilty,", "but maybe that guilt just makes\nit dirtier and better...", "No, I won't let that happen.", "Especially that last part.", "Look, I know I've been a little\ndrunk and naive tonight,", "but here's what's gonna happen.", "First, we're gonna leave a note", "for Better Lily and Arvydas,\nthey're worriers.", "Oh, buddy.\nThen,", "we're gonna go see Only Marshall\nand One-Of-A-Kind Lily", "because they're our best friends", "and they're only\n46 minutes away.", "Are you with me?", "Kind of resent the power grab,\nbut okay, let's go!", "Hey,", "do you want to come to\nLong Island with us?", "Uh, well, still a few more\nhours before the sun comes up.", "So...", "No.\nNo?", "Is that bad?", "No, it's great.", "Ooh, that felt so good.", "I hate doing things\nand going anywhere!", "Oh, new experiences suck!", "While we're at it,\nI hate high-fiving you!", "I know.", "We're adults who are\nsleeping together,", "not teens pledging a frat.", "Oh, man, I really\nliked the high-five.", "The next morning, Marshall\nand Lily woke up to a surprise.", "Hey, what are... what\nare you guys doing here?", "Just wanted to make\nsure this key worked.", "We missed you.", "Give mama a hug.", "Oh...", "Don't check your voicemail.", "Y-You might have\na couple weird ones.", "You hear this?!", "This is the sound\nof me moving on.", "Yeah, I'm a stripper.", "Okay, who wants pancakes?", "Which two of you want pancakes?", "I'll make more.", "Oh, good-good-good,\n'cause I want pancakes.", "There you go.", "Thank you, okay.", "Enjoy them.", "Hey, honey, look,", "I'm sorry I was a jerk before.", "Okay? I'll leave\nright after breakfast.", "I'll crash with some friends.", "Dad, you know what?", "You can stay.", "Oh, thank God.", "I got no friends.", "I'll be here two weeks, tops.", "It wasn't two weeks.", "Would the five\nof us always live", "within a few minutes\nof that booth?", "No, that's life, kids,\nbut here's what I discovered.", "Our booth was wherever\nthe five of us were together.", "That's right, Widow Rodriguez.", "Stretch it.", "Work those gams.", "Ooh, yeah.", "Grab that left arm.", "Clutch that chest.", "Fall down really fast.", "Oh, my God!\nSomebody call 911!"], "How I Met Your Mother S07E15 The Burning Beekeeper": ["Dad, we need to talk.\n- Is it about the bees?", "Bees?\nWe're throwing", "a housewarming party\nin two weeks.", "Oh.", "It's gonna be friends,\nneighbors...", "Did he say...\ndid he say \"bees\"?", "Yeah. Marshall's been working\nvery long hours lately,", "so I have been planning\nthis whole party by myself,", "and everything's in place:\nthe food, the wine.", "I even found a rare\nGouda on the Internet.", "Oh.", "Getting back\nto these bees...", "Bottom line: this party\nis very important to me,", "so I can only assume--\nand I say this with love--", "you're gonna ruin it.", "Lily, I promise I won't ruin\nyour party.", "I'll be charming and convivial.", "A regular Burt Reynolds.", "You have absolutely nothing\nto worry about.", "Tell us about the bees!", "Well, all right,\nsince you asked.", "I'm starting up a business", "cultivating all-organic,\nartisanal honey.", "That's right,\nI'm a job creator.", "Oh.\nSo this party...", "Oh, Lily, wait.\nUm, if you don't mind,", "I just,\nI have one follow-up.", "Where are you doing\nthis exactly?", "Downstairs-- there's 10,000 bees\nin the basement.", "Why would you even say\nthat?! It's the most ridic...", "Happy housewarming!", "Hey, guys.", "Robin here has spent", "all day learning\nhow to make kugel.", "Couldn't figure it out--\nthis is from Zabar's.", "Can we heat it up\nin your oven?", "Faster than heating it up\nin the refrigerator.", "I've had a few cocktails.", "I got it.\nTake that.", "Kids, someday\nyou're gonna throw a party,", "and you might find yourself\nworrying", "if something's gonna go wrong.", "Well, don't.", "What you should worry about\nis everything going wrong.", "And what's really scary\nis how quickly that can happen.", "At Lily and Marshall's\nhousewarming party", "for instance,\nit only took five minutes.", "Now, a lot happened\nin those five minutes.", "You know what? I'm gonna take\nthis room by room.", "We'll start in the living room.", "Oh, no,\nthat's not what you want.", "What?\n- Oh, nothing. So, you think", "this is going pretty well?", "Baby, are you kidding?", "You single-handedly pulled off\nthe party of the year.", "Oh, stop it.\nI used both hands.", "So, what can I do to help?", "Honey, this is your first night\noff in however long.", "You just relax and keep knocking\nback those cocktails.", "Mr. Cootes.", "Hey, isn't it nice\nto finally have a night off?", "It is.\nBut tonight is not that night.", "We're going back to the office\nin 45 minutes.", "But, sir, this is\nour housewarming party.", "You know,\nMother Earth is also having", "a \"housewarming\" party, too,", "only hers ends with humankind\nat the bottom of a rising ocean,", "passing through the digestive\ntract of a stingray.", "By the way,\nit's a lovely home.", "Mr. Cootes,\nI know you're a vegan, so I, uh,", "I got some vegan spring rolls\nfor you over there.", "Oh, nummies!", "You're going\nback to work?", "Sheez, Marshall,\nyou are as busy as a...", "Oh, gosh,\nwhat are you as busy as?", "Please don't talk about\nthe bees.", "I was gonna say Nicolas Cage.", "That guy is in everything.", "Let's just put on some music.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "I'll, uh, I'll bring out\nthe Gouda,", "we'll open a couple bottles\nof wine...", "that are in the basement.", "All right, I'll get\nmy beekeeper's suit.", "You should be happy\nabout the bees.", "They're keeping\nthe mice at bay.", "We have mice?", "Not with all these bees", "flying around, we don't.", "You're welcome.", "Ted, baby Gouda's\ncoming out. Look alive.", "Are you a vegan?", "What?", "Ooh-ee!", "Kitchen, now.", "I can't believe that he's\nmaking us go to work tonight.", "Are... you... a... vegan?", "Um, no.", "Uh-huh.\nAnd when you were shoveling", "the spring rolls down your\ngullet, did you happen to notice", "a little sign next\nto the plate marked \"Vegan\"?", "I think there's\nbeen some mistake.", "You could have had anything\non that table!", "Anything at all!", "Mini pizzas,\nbacon-wrapped figs,", "pigs in blankets.", "There was even talk\nof an inbound Gouda!", "But no, no, you had to have\nthe one thing", "that someone with my dietary\npreferences can eat.", "Look, I didn't eat\nthe spring rolls.", "Liar!", "Your breath reeks of shredded\ncarrots and deceit!", "Okay, okay, maybe I did eat\nyour precious spring rolls.", "Oh...", "What are you gonna do\nabout it, hippie?", "It's fine.\nEverything's fine.", "Young man,", "are you suggesting\nfisticuffs...", "as in with our fists?", "And feet--\nI'm a kicker.", "Well, well, looks like\nI just started eating", "white meat again.", "I will bite and scratch\nyou like a wolverine.", "May I warn you,", "I have been in\na fight before.", "So have I... sort of.", "Oh, God.", "Mr. Cootes. Hi.", "Did you see that we had\nhummus and veggies?", "There's hummus and veggies?", "Over there.", "Hey, I'm not gonna let that guy\npush me around.", "I believe it was Sun Tzu\nwho wrote, \"Never give up.", "Never surrender.\"", "Shut up, Ted.\nOkay.", "For God's sake, Lily,\nyou're pregnant.", "For God's sake, Ted,\nLily's pregnant.", "Oh, man.", "Sorry about that.", "I don't need\nthis right now, Ted.", "I shouldn't do this.", "I shouldn't do this.\n- What?", "This is a bad idea.\nThis is a bad idea!", "What is?\n- I should just go. I should just go!", "Okay, okay, just tell me\nwhat is going on.", "I love my penis, Robin.", "Oh, Barney, you promised.", "I do! I love it!", "If I could kiss it, I would.", "I'd be lying if I told you\nI hadn't tried.", "I'm not comfortable\nwith this conversation.", "Oh, come on, Robin, it's my\npenis we're talking about.", "You've seen her-- she's magnificent.\n- She?", "Every penis is a girl, Robin.\nEveryone knows that.", "Like... ships and lake monsters.", "And Gouda!", "She's a beauta.", "Oh, Gouda.", "Well, I'll be back.", "Most of me, anyway.", "Don't eat that.\n- What?", "Whoops! Oh, it's ruined.", "It's not ruined.\nTen second rule.", "Eight, nine, ten,\nand it's ruined.", "This whole party's\nruined.", "I got a basement\nfull of bees,", "and Ted almost got into a fight\nwith Mr. Cootes.", "Lily, look around.", "Everyone's having\nan amazing time.", "It's a great party.", "Okay, maybe it's not\na total disaster.", "What the hell was that?!", "So that's what happened\nin the living room.", "Now I'm gonna tell you what\nhappened in the dining room.", "Oh, no, that's not\nwhat you want.", "Man, I can't believe\nthese are vegan.", "I've had, like, 20 of 'em.", "I should get the name\nof this caterer.", "It's my kitten's\nBat Mitzvah next week.", "She's finally\nbecoming a cat.", "Oh, God, you are crazy.", "About cats.", "Cats are so honest and real\nwith their affections.", "Ever since my divorce,", "it's just been one liar\nafter another.", "That's why it's so refreshing\nto meet someone honest like you,", "Special Agent Gary Powers.", "Listen...", "I think we can agree\nthere's something here.", "Something big...", "that looks\nand probably feels real.", "Maybe...", "we can go back\nto your place.", "I can't ask you to delay\nintercepting those asteroids.", "I do need to intercept\nthose asteroids.", "I think we need\nto have sex right now.", "Meet me in the upstairs guest\nbedroom in two minutes.", "I'm just looking\nfor the vegan spring rolls.", "Last one, sorry.", "Two minutes.", "How can they all be gone?\nThe party just started.", "I know, right?", "Let's just put on\nsome music.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "I'll, uh, I'll bring out\nthe Gouda,", "we'll open a couple of bottles\nof wine...", "that are in the basement.", "Some jerk was just here.", "And he was all, like,", "\"I can't believe\nthese are vegan.", "I've had, like, 20 of 'em.\"", "Point me into the direction\nof this scoundrel.", "Um... it was\nthat guy.", "Ted, baby Gouda's\ncoming out. Look alive.", "Lily, these spring rolls...\nooh-ee!", "Kitchen, now.", "I can't believe that he's\nmaking us go to work tonight.", "I mean, I think it's time\nthat somebody took him aside", "and told him this is not\nhow you treat your staff.", "Well, I'm sort of busy\nwith the party right now.", "Fine. I'll do it myself.\nBut he's gonna scream at me,", "and you know that I can't\nstand up to screaming.", "Just go talk to him!\nI think I should go talk to him.", "Barney...\nAh, Lily,", "Ted ate all of the spring rolls.", "You could have had\nanything on that table!", "Mini pizzas,\nbacon-wrapped figs,", "pigs in blankets.", "There was even talk\nof an inbound Gouda!", "Robin. Okay, listen,\nI need your help.", "I'm about to get in\na screaming match with my boss,", "and I'm not good at getting\nscreamed at,", "so I need you to warm me up.", "How?\nI want you to scream at me.", "You know, like you do\nto strangers on the street", "at the slightest provocation.", "I don't do that.", "Come on, lay some of that\nclassic Scherbatsky", "mean son of a bitch on me.", "Treat me like I'm a Girl Scout\ntrying to sell you cookies.", "Four dollars a box\nand you're out of Thin Mints?!", "You green little...!\nI don't do that!", "Come on, scream at me.", "Like that.", "It's fine.\nEverything's fine.", "Marshall, there is plenty\nof stuff", "that I don't get mad about,", "like the fact that you're\nserving pigs in blankets", "without hot mustard.", "I'm not the type of person\nto be driven crazy by a host", "who refuses to provide\ndelicious hot mustard", "in which to dip\nmy pigs in blankets!", "I'm the type of girl who...\nkeeps her cool.", "Who keeps her cool.", "Wait. Whoa, baby,\nare you okay?", "Of course.\nThis party is great.", "I am handling this.\nOh, God.", "No...", "Hummus and veggies?", "I'm looking for\nhummus and veggies.", "Robin, can I talk to you about\nsomething very dear to me?", "Promise me this isn't\nabout your penis.", "I promise it isn't\nabout my penis.", "I'm sorry.", "Excuse me, sir, could I talk\nto you in the kitchen?", "Sorry about that.", "I don't need this\nright now, Ted.", "I swear, if there's\none more crisis...", "Well, the bees\nescaped their enclosure,", "but no reason\nto \"bee\" concerned.", "No, there is,\nwe're in big trouble.", "What is that smell?", "Oh, I doused my suit\nwith kerosene.", "All beekeepers do this.", "Dad, just take off\nthe suit right now.", "All right, fine.", "Every 30 seconds,", "there's another crisis\nthat needs to be dealt with", "and I have\nto deal with it.", "This is... Oh, God.", "This is parenthood, isn't it?", "So they say.", "Okay, it's official.", "I thought I could do it,\nbut I can't.", "No, Marshall's always at work.", "He's got to go back tonight.", "And I don't know\nif I can handle a life", "that's just one crisis\nafter another.", "Lily, listen to me. I'm gonna\ngive you a little piece of...", "Gouda!", "God.", "Crisis?\nCrisis.", "Don't eat that. Whoops!\n- What?", "Gouda's out, Ted.\nDon't sleep on the Gouda.", "Wouldn't dream of it.", "So Lily told me you have to go\nback to work tonight?", "No, I don't have to go\nback to work tonight.", "Mr. Cootes and I\ncame to an understanding.", "But, hey, what's going on\nwith Robin?", "I called her\na mean son of a bitch", "and she took it all weird.", "She did?\n- Yeah.", "Crazy, right?", "Hey, buddy.", "Best housewarming\nparty ever.", "Everybody's abuzz.", "Abuzz.", "Oh, good one, Mickey.", "But, hey, you're right.", "Great party.", "What the hell\nwas that?!", "And that's what happened\nin the dining room.", "Now I'm gonna tell you\nwhat happened in the kitchen.", "Oh, no, that's not\nwhat you want.", "Man, I can't believe\nthese are vegan.", "Back to our fight?", "Back to our fight.", "I cannot believe you screamed\nat that woman at Zabar's.", "She was trying to cut in line.", "She was gonna get\nthe last kugel.", "She was 90 years old.", "It was probably gonna be\nher last kugel.", "Sometimes in life,\nyou have to be assertive", "and stand up for yourself.", "You called her a whore.", "Who wears that much makeup?!", "Old ladies!", "Who take money for sex. Exactly.", "Look, I'm sorry.", "If I would've left things\nin your dainty, lily-white,", "never-ripped-\nan-old-lady's-wig-off hands,", "we would be kugel-free\nright now.", "Oh, so, what, I'm too nice?", "You never stand up for yourself.", "Remember that sixth grader\nwho kept stealing your lunch?", "High school was\na tough time for me, okay?", "And that girl was muscular.", "Forearms like Popeye.", "How do you even know about that?", "Marshall told me.\nHe also said that", "you had your mom stop making", "peanut butter\nand jelly sandwiches", "because of that girl's\nnut allergy.", "I didn't want to add\nto her health problems.", "She was already in a wheelchair.", "Okay, so what?", "I would rather be nice\nthan be like you,", "always getting in fights\nabout stuff", "that's not even worth\nfighting about.", "Disagree.", "It's like Sun Tzu wrote\nin The Art of War,", "\"Never give up.\nNever surrender.\"", "That was Tim Allen\nin Galaxy Quest.", "Whatever, dude.", "Your problem is any time\nyou're faced with", "the least bit of confrontation,\nyou run away.", "Oh, I run away\nfrom confrontation?", "Ted, baby Gouda's\ncoming out.", "Look alive.", "Whoops.\nSon of a...!", "I'm sorry.", "Maybe that was my fault.", "You think?", "You're right in my snack track.", "Hey, nice\nbeekeeper suit.", "Do you know that, uh,\nmost bees are left-handed?", "Did you know bees hate\nthe smell of kerosene?", "I knew that.\nGeez, what do you think,", "this is my first day\nas a beekeeper?", "Nice. Oh.", "Is that true about\nbees and kerosene?", "I don't know.", "Barney...", "Ah, Lily,", "Ted ate all of the spring rolls.", "Barney, that woman\nyou were talking to,", "our neighbor Geraldine,", "some guy\nslept with her", "and didn't call her,\nso she hunted him down", "and cut off a certain part of\nhis anatomy with a cheese knife.", "So, whatever you do,", "don't sleep with her.", "It's funny, she is,\num, waiting for me", "in the guest bedroom right now.", "Oh, God! Oh, God!", "That was the idea,\nbut now forget it!", "Barney, this is a disaster.", "I swear, if there\nis one...", "It's fine. Everything's fine.", "Hey, ten second\nrule, right?", "It's fine.\nEverything's fine.", "Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!", "I know you're pregnant, but\nyou need a glass of wine.", "I got that cheese off\nthe Internet.", "I know you got it\noff the Internet.", "Why does that\nmake it impressive?", "You know what else you can find\non the Internet?", "Zoo animals masturbating.", "There's one of a walrus.", "He's...", "Oh.", "No...", "Excuse me, sir, could I talk\nto you in the kitchen?", "Mr. Cootes, I am not\ngoing back to work tonight.", "Oh, no, she didn't\njust say that.", "Mickey, could we just\nhave a minute?", "Oh, yeah. Sure.", "Marshall, look, I know\nwhen you started with this firm,", "it was all fun and games.", "The office chair races\nwere particularly spirited.", "Until, of course,\nGail went down the stairs.", "But for one brief moment,", "boy, did she fly.", "I'm not here, I'm not here.", "Mr. Cootes, you're working\nyourself to death.", "Just cut loose a little.", "Have a beer, find a hobby.", "Look, son, it's very simple.", "Um, Mother Earth\ndoesn't get a night off.", "Neither do you.", "Well, then I quit.", "And I don't know\nif I can handle a life", "that's just one crisis\nafter another.", "Lily, listen to me. I'm gonna\ngive you a little piece of...", "Gouda!", "Maybe he's right.", "Maybe I do\nneed a hobby.", "Well, hey,\nhow about beekeeping?", "Me? No. I-I don't know the\nfirst thing about bees.", "You want to know a secret?", "Neither do I.", "It's not a secret.", "Let me try this thing on.", "I'm gonna give you\nsome privacy.", "All right, thank you.", "Okay.", "Hey, buddy.", "Best housewarming\nparty ever.", "Everybody's abuzz.", "Okay, maybe it's not\na total disaster.", "Great party.", "Oh, my God. Oh!", "Oh, Mr. Cootes!", "Mr. Cootes, are you okay?!", "That was amazing!", "Did you see me?!", "I flew through the air\nlike a human fireball", "and didn't get a scratch.", "Eat your heart out, Gail!", "God, I feel so alive!", "I want to drink a beer.", "Oh, yeah.", "Okay, one beer, coming right up.", "Oh, and, uh, Marshall,", "I think we'll take\nthe night off tonight, okay?", "Sounds good, yeah.", "But I'll see you Monday?", "Of course.", "Yeah.", "You know, Robin, I've\nbeen thinking about it.", "Guess it's kind of nice\nyou're such a badass.", "It's pretty badass\nyou're so nice, Ted.", "Was I supposed to close\nthe basement door?", "God, this feels\nso right!", "We're so great together.", "I want to spend every minute\nof every day with you.", "I never let you out of\nmy sight for one second.", "Not one second, not\none second. I don't!", "Oh, God!", "My last lover was not like this.", "He was the worst!", "Do you know, he didn't even\ncome to my cat's bris.", "I mean, what?", "Well, we showed him.", "Yes, we did.", "Let's just say, the\npunishment fit the crime.", "I can't wait to\ntell everybody", "that we're boyfriend and girlfriend!", "Let's do it tonight.", "No, it's Lily and\nMarshall's party.", "We'll wait.", "We can do it at Mittens\nand Mr. Pepper's wedding.", "Or maybe something..."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E16 The Drunk Train": ["Sorry this is\ntaking so long.", "He kicked for everybody else.", "It's hard for the little guy\nto perform under pressure.", "Top ten things Marshall\nsaid on his wedding night.", "Whoa! It was small, but\nI think I felt something.", "Top ten things Lily said\non her wedding night.", "Stop laughing\nat it, Lily.", "Top ten things Marshall said\non his wedding night!", "Can we please talk\nabout something", "other than my wedding night?", "Absolutely. Let's talk\nabout last night.", "It was a night\nlike any other.", "I was just about\nto get laid...", "Hey, Barney,\nI need your help.", "This hottie I'm talking to\nis meeting her friend", "at a club,\nso I need a wingman.", "Well, just so you know, I'd be\ngiving up a sure thing here.", "Hey!", "Are you not a sure thing?", "Yeah, I am.", "This \"friend\" of yours\nbetter be even hotter", "and dumber than this one.", "Wow! You have Enormous\nPenis Syndrome?", "I've never heard of that.\nYeah.", "That's the problem with E.P.S.:\nlack of awareness.", "That's why I'm\norganizing a 10K fun-run.", "Of course, many of us\nwill need wheelbarrows.", "You are so brave.", "And you are so understanding.", "Most people\njust stare at me", "like I'm some kind of freak\nin reinforced underwear.", "Poor, baby.", "I can't imagine\nwhat you're going through", "because I never wear underwear.", "Jackpot!", "You want to get out of here?", "Oh, I don't know. This is all\nmoving kind of fast. Okay.", "Oh, but before we go,", "I should mention my condition.", "It's called: I'm Not\na Gullible Dumbass Disorder.", "As the former Surgeon General,\nI've got to say,", "I don't think\nthat's the real thing.", "Okay, just stop.", "You have no chance with me.", "We're just here as backups\nfor our friends.", "Hey, how did you two meet,\nanyway?", "No, we're not doing\nthat first date dance", "where you pretend everything\nI say is fascinating,", "thinking it'll somehow\nget you into my pants.", "What? Guys don't do that!", "Goat cheese?\nFascinating!", "What else\nare you allergic to, huh?", "You owe me three hours\nfor last night, Mosby.", "I'm thinking,", "laser tag tournament\nin Newark this weekend.", "Ted can pass for\nunder 18, right?", "It's a father-son thing.", "Marshall, we should\nget going. Any later,", "and we'll be riding the Drunk Train.\nOh.", "The Drunk Train?", "It's the last train\nof the night", "back to Long Island.\nIt's a mess.", "Just a bunch of drunk,", "sloppy idiots, fresh off a\nnight of partying in the city,", "just desperate to hook up\nwith anything that moves.", "Yeah.\nBye.", "See you.", "New plan, Ted.", "So this father-son thing.", "You know, a backwards baseball\ncap really youngs me down.", "All aboard!", "For Valentine's weekend,\nLily and Marshall invited", "Kevin and Robin on a couple's\ngetaway to Vermont.", "Mmm.", "16 years together,\nand still so in love.", "Mm.\n- What's your secret?", "The key to relationships is\nunderstanding the difference", "between hearing\nand listening.", "It's about respecting\nyour partner's...", "Opinions on...", "Hey, shh, shh, shh.\nKind of on a roll here.", "Relationships are\na give and take,", "and that's why it's important\nto never keep score.", "Yeah, like how", "Barney's holding\nthese three hours", "over Ted's head.", "If they were a couple,\nthey'd never work.", "Obviously. Ted's a Taurus,\nand Barney is such a Scorpio.", "Good advice.\nDon't keep score.", "They're not even\nclose to finished.", "How do we not keep\nscore, you ask?", "Huh. Hm.", "Sounds like somebody want\nto hear some examples, sweetie.", "Mm-hmm.", "I'm just gonna close my\neyes until it's all over.", "Top ten things Lily said\non her wedding night.", "Solid.", "Here's one.", "Every time Marshall's\nmom comes to visit us,", "we have to put out all\nthe tacky Minnesota gifts", "she's bought us over the years.", "Hi, Mom!\nHi, Mrs. Eriksen!", "Marshall.", "Uh-huh. I don't see", "the gopher-hair tea cozy\nI made you.", "Guess it wasn't\ngood enough for Lily.", "But I'd never hold\nthat over Marshall,", "because if I did,\nhe'd owe me big-time.", "Just like I would never\nhold it over you", "for dragging me to that\nexperimental theater piece.", "Is it... is it\njust screaming?", "But we don't keep score.", "Gotcha, loud and clear.\nDon't keep score.", "Because if we did, then\nMarshall would owe me", "for killing my\ncousin's dog.", "How did I know\nthat he would eat my wallet?", "Why was your wallet filled\nwith chocolate?!", "So we're back\nto this argument!", "That night, Barney\nand I found ourselves", "in a strange,\nnew universe called...", "The Drunk Train.", "Hey!", "Where has this heavenly vehicle\nbeen all my life?", "Can you hear\nits inspiring chant, Ted?", "I think I can get laid,\nI think I can get laid.", "It's-it's The Little Engine\nwith Wood,", "The Whore-ient Express.", "The Long Island Tail Road!", "Oh, I got one.", "Thomas the Spank Engine!", "Ted, that is a children's book.", "Okay, as fun as this\nplace is, it's late.", "So, what's our play?", "And don't say, \"The\nSiamese Twins\"\"", "We're not stretching out\nanother one of my jackets.", "No, dude, this is\nthe Drunk Train.", "We don't need a play!", "All we have to do is sit back,\nplay it cool,", "scope out the hotties,\nand by the end of the line,", "we will totally be\nsleeping with someone.", "You know,\nyou are so great.", "You sat there listening\nto Marshall and Lily", "bicker all night,\nand you didn't complain once.", "Well, I am a therapist,\nso I do plan on billing them.", "I also have a couple powerful\nmedications that might help.", "Lily can't take anything;\nshe's pregnant.", "I meant for us.", "If we're getting through\nfive more meals", "and a sleigh ride\nwith those guys,", "we need to be spaced out\nof our gourds.", "Well, if we are keeping score,", "I owe you one weekend, mister.", "I was thinking\na little longer than that.", "What do you mean?", "Robin, will you marry me?", "Look, I know this is fast.", "I'm just excited\nto start a life with you.", "If that's what you want.", "Wow.", "Um...", "I'm-I'm not saying no.", "I'm-I'm not saying anything.", "I just, um...\nI-I need some time to think.", "I totally understand.", "Um, take as much time\nas you need.", "I'll just, uh... I'll just keep\nthis here until you're ready.", "Any chance we could put\nthat bad boy away for now?", "It's really just staring\nat us, isn't it?", "Ted! Ted! Ted!", "I thought of some new\ngreat names for the Drunk Train.", "Slamtrak!", "Uh-huh.", "The Chatta-Nookie Choo-Choo!", "Thomas the Spank Engine!\nI said that one yesterday.", "I don't think you did.", "Wow. Someone's had some coffee.", "Yeah. 18 cups!", "There is no way\nI'm falling asleep tonight!", "That Quinn girl is so wrong.", "She said I could never\nlove anything,", "but I love this train!", "She said you could never\nlove anything? That's intense.", "Oh, you have no idea.", "Stop staring.\nNot gonna happen.", "Is there any way we can start\nover and get to know each other?", "I already know you.\nOh, really?", "You wear a suit all the time.\n- Obviously.", "You have a stupid rule\nabout everything.", "I pay for the meal,\nyou handle my deal.", "That's just good manners.", "But you end most nights\nalone at a strip club,", "feeling empty inside,\ntelling yourself", "your life is somehow epic\nor classic or... legendary.", "I never say epic or classic.", "Do you practice the dark arts?", "No, they did not\nforget the potato salad", "in your takeout order!", "Wh-What happened next?!", "For the last time, I'm sorry.", "It's okay.", "Your debt is paid.", "You don't have to come\non the Drunk Train anymore.", "You're never gonna meet\nthe one there, anyway.", "Oh, screw the one!\n- What?", "Every date I've been on lately\nhas been brutal.", "Last week, I went out\nwith a girl", "whose favorite band was Glee.", "Plus, it's almost\nValentine's Day,", "and I'm alone without\nanything close to a girlfriend.", "So... all aboard!", "I have never been more proud\nof you.", "Come on.", "Ted, tonight is gonna be epic--", "wait for it-- dary! Wait.", "No, that's not it.", "How do I usually say it?\nI hate this Quinn girl!", "Well,", "I propose we order\na bottle of wine.", "Propose!\n- Not propose. Suggest.", "I'm not married to the idea.\nLily, take it.", "Why don't we get an appetizer?", "How about the...\nonion rings?", "I mean, diamond rings.", "I mean,\ndiamond circles.", "I mean, onion circles.", "I know they're fattening,", "but I hear this place\nhas great onion circles.", "So, Robin,\nabout not telling them?", "The green salad\nlooks interesting.", "You're so much better\nwithout him.", "If you ask me,\nVinnie's a real jerk.", "Hey, don't you dare\nbadmouth Vinnie!", "Ow!", "So what do you do?", "Well, I teach architecture,\nand I also...", "Oh, big man with a job.", "You think yore better than me?", "What...", "So... where do you live?", "I'm on the\nUpper West Side.", "Oh, big man.\nLiving in Manhattan.", "What, you think you're\nbetter than me?", "Ehhh!", "Ehhhh!", "You think you're\nbetter than me?!", "Well, it's a close one.", "Lily made 14 awkward\nreferences to marriage,", "and Marshall made an even 60.", "I'm so sorry, Kevin.", "It's okay. I'm gonna\ngo to bed, but", "you guys think tomorrow we can\nstop with all the marriage talk?", "I do.\nI do.", "That's a half a point each.", "See you in a minute.", "Okay.", "So?", "Are you any closer to deciding?\nOoh...", "Uh... well, there is something\nyou don't know.", "Um...", "Can you guys keep a secret?", "Yeah.\nWell, some of us can.", "Well, there's something", "I have been keeping\nfrom everyone", "for the last couple of months.", "Um...", "I found out that\nI can't have children.", "I'm so sorry.\n- Yeah.", "Are you okay?", "I can't believe\nthat we didn't know.", "No, you know,\nI've had some...", "time to deal with this\nby myself, and...", "I'm okay.", "For real.", "Are you sure?", "Yeah. So...", "even though I love Kevin", "and I... think\nI want to say yes,", "I can't until I tell him.", "But I'm scared", "it'll end our relationship.", "You\nknow what, Robin?", "If it's meant to be,\nthen it won't matter.", "Yeah, you just\nhave to tell him.", "Thank God we had the keys\nto Marshall and Lily's place.", "Pretty sure I told you that before\nyou kicked in that side window.", "You mean, before the \"burglars\"\nkicked in that side window", "and stole all\nof Lily's underwear.", "What the hell happened\non that train?", "It was absolute chaos.", "Ted, when I was at M.I.T.,\nmy favorite Einstein quote was:", "\"God doesn't play dice\nwith the universe.\"", "You didn't go to M.I.T.", "I didn't?", "Huh. I actually have no idea\nwhere you went to college.", "Who are you?", "If we analyze the seemingly\nrandom patterns of the train,", "taking into account\nstandard deviation,", "and assuming that\nepsilon approaches zero", "as angle delta approaches pi,", "we can conclude...", "Damn it, Ted!", "I was about to drop some\nsweet word play about logarithms", "and getting into a rhythm\nwith my log.", "I'll remember it.", "The next morning, Robin\nmustered up all her courage", "and finally told Kevin\nher secret.", "I know that this is a\nlot to process, so...", "you take all the\ntime you need.", "And I understand...\nRobin...", "will you marry me?", "Yes.", "What are you doing?", "The top speed of the Drunk Train\nis 73 miles per hour,", "and you factor in an aggregate\nof 32 boobs per car,", "28 of which are motorboatable,", "and you divide that...\nNo, no, no!", "This is all wrong!", "It should be so simple!", "I mean, it's the Drunk Train!", "My God...\nit's been", "right in front of us\nthe whole time.", "\"Get drunk\"\"", "Yeah.", "Of course.", "Good circling, Ted.", "This ain't my first\nword search.", "So my Mom's already\npicked a date, venue", "and caterer for\nthe wedding.", "But nothing's\nset in stone.", "My great-aunt's gonna sing.", "That's happening.", "Are you really okay with this?", "Yeah, she's actually got\na decent voice.", "No, are you... are you okay", "with everything\nthat we talked about?", "Of course, Robin, I love you.", "Besides, there are other ways\nto have kids.", "There's adoption, surrogacy...", "No, Kevin, it's not just\nthat I can't have kids,", "I don't want kids.", "Oh.", "Okay.", "Knowing that, do you want\nto take your proposal back?", "Will you marry me?", "Oh, you take such good care\nof me.", "Thanks for loaning me your shoes", "for my swollen feet. Ah!", "I owe you one.", "We have to stop this.", "Stop what?", "Keeping score.", "You're growing a baby,\nour baby.", "So you're officially ahead\nof me for life.", "Oh, thanks, sweetie.", "Once we're parents,\nwe have to be a team. Deal?", "It's your turn!", "I was on point for six straight\nhours yesterday!", "Two of those hours\nwere a nap and you know it!", "Let's go to the board!", "I hope\nit's a soupy deuce, sucka.", "Deal. We're a team.", "I was all, \"Do I look like\nI'm from Ronkonkoma?!\"", "Oh...!", "That's all you gotta say!", "Oh, oh, oh, big man\nwith a briefcase!", "What do you think,\nyou're better than me?!", "Hey, our stop's next.", "Do you want to join us?", "Yeah, I think we do.\nNah, we're good.", "Too skanky.", "Too skanky?\nEh...", "It's the Drunk Train.", "You crossed out\nall the stops", "and wrote \"Vaginaville.\"", "That's not true.", "That one says \"Boner Gardens.\"", "What's going on?", "Wait. Did that Quinn girl shake\nyour game or something?", "Hell no!", "At the end of the night...", "You know,\nI went out tonight", "looking for a cheap,\nmeaningless fling.", "But you turned out\nto be so special.", "I'd hate to ruin this\nfriendship with sex.", "Oh, oh, I am willing\nto take that risk.", "Good one, Ted.", "Anyway, I'm seriously\ncontemplating purchasing", "a new ironing board.", "Do you think...?", "Okay, I'll give you this: You\nstood by your boy all night,", "even though you have no chance\nof getting with me.", "That was pretty cool.", "Yeah, you know, in retrospect,\nI think that was the moment", "you decided to come back\nto my place and get nasty.", "Yeah, right.", "Get up. You're on my bra.", "Sorry.", "Where's your bathroom?", "Past the kitchen, down the hall.", "See, I feel like\nI would remember", "you two being naked on your\ncouch in the middle of the club.", "Oh, right. That was later in my\napartment after we got nasty.", "My bad.", "So, you want to go\nto a diner or something?", "Wait-wait-wait.\nYou slept with her?", "I know, I know.", "I'm late on sending\nthe pictures.", "I've been swamped.", "You like Quinn.\nI...", "That's why you can't stop\n\"complaining\" about her.", "That's why you just tanked\nour chance with these...", "lovely innocent flowers.", "I don't even care\nwhere we go,", "but I hate doing it\non the ground.", "Barney, do you know why", "I'm on the Drunk Train\non Valentine's Day?", "Because I have nothing\nbetter to do.", "No one I can't stop\nthinking about.", "So if you feel something\nfor Quinn, go for it.", "Because you're wasting\nyour time here.", "We both are.", "I don't like Quinn!", "Kevin, I love you,", "but please don't\njust be the nice guy", "who says the right thing.", "Robin, I want to marry you\nno matter what.", "Assuming you don't turn\ninto a big fat fattie.", "See? Right there.", "Don't always say\nthe right thing.", "Look, you just got a truckload", "of new information\ndumped on you.", "Will you marry me?", "My feelings on kids\naren't gonna change.", "Will you marry me?", "Haven't you always wanted kids?", "That was before I fell in love\nwith you.", "Well, that's the thing.", "Your future always\nhad kids in it.", "That is something huge you\nwould be giving up for me.", "I just don't think I could\never owe someone that much.", "I'm scared that you'll...\nwake up in-in a year", "or ten or 50, full of regret.", "So... I need you\nto be sure, okay?", "If we get married,\nyou will never have children.", "Are you really okay with that?", "Enormous Penis Syndrome?", "E.P.S.", "It's all about awareness.", "That's why we're doing\nthe fun run, the silent auction,", "the three-legged race.", "Of course, that's just one guy.", "You know what?", "I can't do this.", "You can let me\nout up here.", "Why? You got a girlfriend\nor something?", "Maybe something.", "Kids, sometimes you realize", "the journey you've been taking\nhas reached its final stop.", "Where do you go next?", "Hey.", "Are you okay?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa A year from now,\nwe'll all be gone \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa All our friends\nwill move away \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And they're going\nto better places \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa But our friends\nwill be gone away... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "So... he un-proposed.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Nothing is as it has been...", "We're over.", "And I-I... I-I know\nit's for the best.", "It's just...", "I was finally ready\nfor something serious.", "He seemed like the guy\nto take that next step with.", "But he couldn't look past this.", "I mean, who could?", "I could.", "I love you, Robin.", "You've been complaining\nabout this Barney guy so much,", "I'm starting to think\nthat you like him.", "Like his apartment-- check.", "Like his moves downtown--\ncheck plus.", "But like him? Ugh. Please.", "I'm just surprised\nhe doesn't recognize you.", "He practically lives here.", "Gentlemen, give it up for Karma."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E17 No Pressure": ["Kids, I'll never forget\nthe first time", "I told your mother I loved her.", "It was a rainy day in New York.", "We just had a horrible lunch.", "The movie we wanted to see\nwas sold out,", "and I just looked at her", "and said, \"I love you.\"", "It was a big deal for me.", "I hadn't said that\nto a girl since...", "I love you, Robin.", "I'm serious.", "Do you remember why we\nbroke up in the first place?", "We asked each other,\n\"Where do you want", "to be in five years?\"", "And our answers\nwere just too different.", "Well, it's\nfive years later,", "and where are we?", "Standing on the roof", "where I kissed you\nfor the first time.", "I know this is\na lot to process,", "so no pressure here.", "Just... what do you think?", "You know what?\nYou're exhausted, it's late.", "Let's just go to sleep.", "Well, good night.", "What the hell was that?", "Okay, I can fix this.", "I-I was just temporarily insane\nbecause of my Lyme disease,", "which I got on a camping trip\nthat I didn't tell her about", "because... I go camping\nin secret.", "Perfect.", "Or I could say, \"I'm sorry,\nwe're great as friends.", "Let's just forget\nI ever said anything.\"", "Yeah, that's probably better.", "Okay, here goes.", "I go camping in secret.", "Wow, Ted, I...\nwow, okay.", "You got to give\nme a minute here.", "Yeah, of course.", "Okay, um, we need to\nt-talk about this.", "This time yesterday,\nI was in Vermont", "engaged to another man.", "I mean, it's been 24 hours\nof emotional mayhem,", "and, and the day\nis still not over.", "I mean, I swear\nto God,", "if there's any more surprises,\nI'm gonna hit someone!", "... comrade.", "That means,", "\"Hello, coworker.\"", "You ready for our trip\nto Mother Russia?", "Oh, yeah, Aunt Robin\nwas thrilled World Wide News", "asked her to go to Moscow\nto cover Maslenitsa.", "She was less thrilled\nto discover", "Maslenitsa is the city's\nannual butter festival.", "Even worse, she'd spend\nan entire week with all those", "buttery Russians\nand her archenemy Patrice.", "Uh, our flight leaves\nat 9:00 p.m., not a.m.", "God... Patrice!", "But, Robin,\nthe schedule says 9:00 a.m.", "and my ticket says 9:00 a.m.", "and all the e-mail reminders\nsaid 9:00 a.m.", "and our boss in the car\ndownstairs said...", "Okay, Patrice, I get it!", "Oh, no!", "Pair of pants\ncoming in hot!", "Noise-canceling\nheadphones.", "Oh, I don't need 'em.", "It's a ten-hour flight and\nyour sitting next to Patrice.", "Oh, God,\nwhere's my cough syrup?", "You're gonna make it.", "I'll bring\nyour bag down.", "Where are my shoes?\nWhere are my shoes?!", "Don't worry. It's fine.", "And look, about all this...\nJust go.", "Good-bye.\nBye.", "Why didn't I kiss her?", "We'll continue this\nwhen I get back.", "Hello.", "I know it's early,", "but can you meet me\nat the bar right now, alone?", "I'm on my way.", "I got to meet Ted\nat the bar.", "It's 7:00 a.m.", "Man, Ted really needs to work\non his boundaries.", "Shh, guys, seriously.", "Why are you in our bed?", "I took the drunk train\nand got stuck out here.", "Oh, God, I am so hungover.", "Oh, God,\nLily's not wearing a bra!", "Shh!", "Bye, baby.", "Do you think...?", "Okay, I already know\nI don't want to hear this.", "Do you think\nthat if we did it...", "Yeah, I was right.\nI don't want to hear this.", "...and I did\na really good job...", "Please leave.", "...that I could turn that\ninto my baby?", "I think I'm gonna throw up.", "Morning sickness?\nNo.", "It's crazy, right?", "Are you shocked?", "No, I'm not shocked.\nYou're in love with Robin.", "Do you remember back", "at Christmas when she was upset,\nyou didn't even know why,", "and you spent eight hours\nsetting up Christmas lights", "in the apartment\njust to cheer her up.", "That was a platonic friend thing.\nA platonic friend thing?", "Really? Ted,\nlet me ask you a question.", "Would you have done that for me?", "You probably would have.\nYou're such a good friend, Ted.", "You, too, buddy.", "I'm going into the city.", "Just, while I'm gone,", "don't go snooping around\nin our stuff.", "I know you think we have\na sex tape hidden somewhere,", "so I'll save you the trouble.\nWe don't. Good-bye.", "Here's that moment\nfrom Barney's perspective.", "We have a sex tape hidden\nsomewhere.", "Challenge accepted.", "Robin again?", "Why does everyone\nkeep going after Robin?", "How come no one\never takes a run at me?", "Barney hits on you every day.", "Yeah, but he just wants\nto bang me.", "I want something real.", "I know, babe.", "Double A Cleaning.", "Consuela, it's Barney.", "I need you and the girls\nfor the afternoon.", "Of course, right away,\nMr. Barney.", "Are you at home now?", "No, I'm at a house\non Long Island.", "I'll text you the details.", "It's a big job.\nThe place has been ransacked.", "We'll get right on it.", "Thanks, Consuela,\nyou're the best.", "Ted, I know\nyou're ready to go", "with this whole\nyou-and-Robin thing,", "but is she ready\nto go?", "Is she ready to go? Um...", "Mmm, we'll continue this...", "when I get back.", "So...", "Are you sure\nthat it wasn't...?", "We'll continue this\nwhen I get back.", "Okay.", "What?! No!", "Damn it, Lily,\nwhy are you rooting against me?", "I'm not rooting\nagainst you.", "Yes, you are.", "No, I'm not.", "Yes, she was.", "You see, at that very moment...", "\"Long-term bets\"?", "Hmm.", "My God! They're placing bets\non our lives.", "And I'm sorry,\nTed cannot pull off bald.", "You know Ted.\nI'm right about this.", "Ted, I'm your best friend.\nWhy would I root against you?", "Lily bets Marshall that Ted\nand Robin won't end up together.", "That's why.", "So, Lily was betting against\nme and Robin.", "I just didn't know it.", "Okay, you want to make\nit work with Robin?", "You need to stay\non her radar.", "Call her right now.", "She's on the plane.\nHer phone's off.", "Oh, my God!", "How adorable would it be\nif when the plane lands,", "she turns on her phone", "and her mailbox is full\nof messages from you?!", "Ted, don't leave\nher any voice mails.", "Why not?", "Because...\nBecause you need to go to Russia.", "With love!", "Surprise her.", "Make the--\nin no way creepy--", "grand romantic gesture\nthat we all know Robin loves.", "Oh!", "So I just walk up to her\nin Red Square", "with a dozen roses?", "Or float down to her", "in my hot air balloon", "with ten dozen roses!", "Yes, that's perfect!", "Not like this, Lily.", "Not like this.", "If you'll excuse me,\nI've got some sonnets to write.", "Stay put, Ted.\nYou're gonna want to hear this.", "Guys, what's this?", "And Marshall and Lily\nexplained.", "It all started ten years\nearlier.", "They had been looking\nfor a new hobby", "they could do as a couple.", "I already missed\nthe beginner's lesson.", "Maybe I shouldn't even go.", "Ah, screw it.", "I've seen the Olympics.\nI know what I'm doing.", "I'm going skiing, bitches!", "He's gonna break\nhis leg.", "He's not gonna\nbreak his leg.", "20 bucks says he does.", "\"Lily bets Marshall", "that Ted\nwill break his leg skiing.\"", "You would be amazed.", "People fall off ski lifts\nall the time.", "Well, I gotta hit the head.", "Well, he didn't\nbreak his leg.", "Yeah, I gotta say that, um,", "making money off this bet\njust makes me feel...", "More alive than\nyou've felt in years?", "Yes!\nNew hobby!", "We need a cash box,\nsome glitter and some glue!", "You've been\nbetting on us?", "Like we're a\ncouple of hobos", "fighting over\na sandwich", "in some psycho preppy\nkid's backyard?", "No, this is just\nwhat happens in marriage.", "You get bored.", "You run out\nof things to do.", "We were making models.", "You single people\nare out there", "with the drinking\nand the sleeping around...", "Model airplanes.", "The grinding\nand the bumping", "and the hot sweaty bodies.", "...with little propellers\nthat spin.", "Oh, this one looks\ninteresting.", "Lily, I thought you said\nyou wanted to.", "It was your idea.", "I starved myself for a week\nto get camera-ready.", "You had a bear claw\nfor breakfast.", "Yeah, a bear claw.", "I-I changed my mind.", "I-I just don't want Barney\nto see us doing it.", "Barney is never gonna see this.", "Oh, come on. It's Barney.", "Eventually,\nsomehow he's gonna see it.", "Want to bet?", "So there really is a sex tape.", "Anyhoozles,\njust... long-term bets,", "just a silly thing we do.", "What about you, Ted?", "Your hair's looking good.", "\"Lily bets Marshall\nthat Ted and Robin", "won't end up together.\"", "Wow.", "So now it's\nbecoming clear why...", "you've been trying to sabotage\nmy future happiness.", "To win a bet.", "Come on, Ted.", "We made that bet\nso long ago.", "And boy, it's been\na real nail-biter.", "Ted and Stella\ngot engaged.", "Pay up.", "Not yet.", "We are driving\nto the wedding.", "Pay up.", "Not yet.", "We are at the wedding.", "Pay up.", "Not yet.", "Damn it.", "I can't believe you guys!", "I got left at the altar,", "and all you cared about\nwas some stupid bet?", "I never stopped rooting\nfor you, but I...", "Ted, I'm not rooting\nagainst you.", "I just don't think Robin's\nthe girl you marry.", "That's why I made\nthe stupid bet to begin with.", "I mean, yes,\nit's five years later,", "and you haven't settled down\nwith anyone else,", "but you haven't settled down\nwith Robin, either.", "There must be\na reason for that.", "What's standing\nin the way?", "God...", "if you help me find\nthis sex tape,", "I am going to make\nsome changes in my life.", "I am going to stop\nsleeping around,", "quit drinking so much,\nno more shenanigans.", "I am going to devote\nmy entire life", "to doing good deeds,\nand praising your name.", "Is this what you're\nlooking for, Mr. Barney?", "Never mind, bro. Found it.", "I found it!", "Sweet glory hallelujah,\nI found it, Ted.", "You're the only idiot I know\nwho still owns a VCR,", "so you are\nthe lucky winner of the", "\"Who gets to sit next to me\nand watch our best friends", "go bananas all over each other\"\"\nsweepstakes.", "To the outdated\nviewing device!", "And then I realized\nwhy Robin and I", "hadn't gotten back together\nin the last five years.", "Oh, my God.", "Robin's in love with you.", "I can't believe\nI didn't see it before.", "Robin is in love with you.", "No, she's not.\nTrust me.", "Yes, she is.", "Something happened\nbetween you guys.", "That's why\nyou broke up with Nora.", "That night,\nI saw you in her room,", "there were rose petals,\ncandles...", "You saw that?", "Well, then, maybe you also saw", "those rose petals and candles\ngoing into a garbage bag.", "And then Barney\ntold me everything.", "How he and Robin hooked up.", "How he broke up with Nora\nto be with her.", "How he thought she would do\nthe same for him.", "How she broke his heart.", "She chose Kevin.", "It hurt, but...", "I guess they're in love.", "They broke up last night.", "Bummer.", "Anyway, let's make our own bets\nabout this sex tape.", "I've got Marshall\nwith a surprise piercing", "at five-to-one odds,", "Lily with a landing strip,\nten-to-one,", "Marshall with a landing strip,\neven money.", "I don't believe this.", "You were in love with Robin,", "you find out she's single,\nand your reaction is \"Bummer\"?", "What do you want me to say, Ted?", "Whatever I\nthought was there,", "she thought differently.", "So... no, I don't care\nthat Robin is single again.", "So if Robin started dating\nsomeone else, you wouldn't mind?", "Nope.", "Even if that somebody else\nwas me?", "Even if that somebody else\nwas you.", "Really?\nReally.", "Hey, bros before hos, right?", "No matter how mad she made me,", "Robin's still my bro.", "And if, uh, you make her happy,", "then that makes me happy.", "Barney, you've really grown up,\nyou know that?", "Thanks.", "Now let's watch our two best\nfriends have sex on tape.", "I'll make the popcorn.", "Don't watch that tape!", "Watch that tape!", "Well, sorry, I just really\nwant to win the bet.", "And here we go.", "O-okay. Okay, fine, Barney.", "Watch our dirty little home\nmovie, but be forewarned,", "at about the one minute mark,", "you're going to see me\nmake this face.", "Oh, God,\nthat's the face you made", "the day we rode motorcycles.\nYeah.", "Yeah. You really\nwant to see that?", "A-and do you want\nto hear me go, uh...", "It can't sound like that.\nIt can't.", "I know that noise, I've heard it\nthrough the walls.", "I thought the neighbors\nhad a sick cat.", "Okay, but, Barney,\njust remember,", "you'll also be seeing\na lot of this:", "Oh, yeah.\nOh, yeah.", "It's this, but\nI'm not pregnant.", "My skin is loose,\nlike an elephant.", "My boobs are\nperky and plump.", "I slobber\nlike a confused old dog.", "I slap my own ass.\nI slap my own ass!", "Barney...", "that was my VCR.", "Ted...", "it was a VCR.", "A week later, Robin's plane landed...", "and I was there to meet\nher at the airport.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "She told me all about her trip.", "And then we got dinner at the restaurant\n we hadn't been to in a long time.", "And by the end of the night,\none thing had become clear:", "It's not going to happen, is it?", "I'm sorry.", "It's because of Barney.", "What?", "No.", "Barney and I... we...", "No. No. It's just...", "You know, things have\njust been so crazy lately.", "Everything in my life\nis... unstable.", "I mean, you're one of the few\nthings that I can count on.", "And... I really don't\nwant to mess that up.", "We-we... we still have our deal,\nright?", "If we're both still...\nsingle when we're 40?", "Yeah. Yeah.", "No. Look... I'm sorry.", "I-I can't do that anymore.", "As long as the door\nis even a little bit open,", "I have this feeling\nthat I'll just be...", "waiting around to see if I win\nthe lottery when you turn 40.", "I think you know\nhow you feel about me now,", "and... I don't think time's\ngoing to change that.", "Just tell me.", "Do you love me?", "No.", "I'm sorry.", "We're great as friends.", "Let's just...", "Let's just forget\nI ever said anything.", "Bar. Alone. Now.", "It's just a bump\nin the road.", "You guys are meant\nto be together.", "You can't give up.", "You... i-it can still happen.", "No. Marshall...", "What about\nthe hot air balloon thing,", "with the ten dozen roses?", "And how's the sonnet coming, buddy?\nDude.", "You bet on the wrong horse.\nLet it go.", "Believe it or not,", "I'm happy about this. I'm...", "I can finally move on.", "This is a good thing.", "Really.", "Hey, Robin.", "Oh, hey.\nHey.", "Hey. Uh, look, before I forget,\nhere's Lily's hairdryer.", "I borrowed it, like,\na million years ago.", "Yeah, you can keep that.", "Um... Hey, listen,", "Ted told me what happened\nwith you guys,", "and he says that\nhe's at peace with it.", "Oh, really?", "That's good.", "He's lying, Robin.", "He's trying to be strong,\nbut it's killing him,", "and so, as his best friend,", "I have to say something that...", "he loves you\njust way too much to say.", "You gotta move out.", "I know.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And all of the ghouls\ncome out to play \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And every demon\nwants his pound of flesh \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa But I like to keep\nsome things to myself \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I like to keep\nmy issues strong \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa It's always darkest\nbefore the dawn \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And I've been a fool\nand I've been blind \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I can never leave\nthe past behind \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I can see no way", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I can see\nno way \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I'm always dragging\nthat horse around \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Here's the funny thing.", "In my own crazy way,\nI was kind of happy.", "For the first time in years,\nthere was no little part of me", "clinging to the dream\nof being with Robin.", "Which meant,\nfor the first time in years,", "the world was wide open.", "Because, kids...", "when a door closes,", "well...", "...you know the rest.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Shake it out, shake it out", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Oh, whoa...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa And it's hard to dance", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa With a devil on your back", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa So shake him off", "For Ted's sake,\n- I hate to say this,", "but... pay up.", "Not yet."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E18 Karma": ["NARRATOR: Kids, 2012 started out\nkind of crazy.", "Barney met a girl named Quinn,", "Kevin unproposed to Robin,", "I told Robin...", "I love you, Robin.", "When I asked if she", "loved me back, she said...", "No.", "Marshall told Robin...", "You got to move out.", "And Robin did.", "I can't even open\nher bedroom door anymore.", "Why do I have\nto be so sensitive?", "I don't know, bro.", "Look at me and that Quinn chick.", "You don't hear me\nprattling on", "about how beautiful\nher smile is,", "how her hair is like a waterfall\nof honey-colored silk,", "how her eyes are like\na warm South Sea", "kissed by the fire\nand gold of sunrise.", "I don't even remember\nwhat she looks like.", "Dude, you obviously like her.\nCan't you read", "between the lines, Ted?", "I obviously like her.", "How did this happen to me?", "When did I become such\na gooey romantic?", "Look, I think it's healthy", "that you have real feelings\nfor a woman", "instead of just seeing her\nas an object.", "Switch?", "Sure.", "(snaps fingers)", "But why Quinn?", "I mean, you spent\none night with her,", "and she was kind of mean.", "We just connected.", "Emotionally, intellectually,\nspiritually.", "So, mind-blowing sex?", "Mind-blowing sex!", "For an hour afterwards,\nI couldn't uncross my eyes.", "Which was awesome, because\nwhen I went back for seconds,", "it was like having\na three-way with twins.", "So... call her.", "I would if I knew how\nto get in touch with her,", "but I can't,\nand it's driving me crazy.", "Everywhere I look,\nI see her.", "I see her walking on the street;", "I see her shopping in the store;", "I see her dancing on that pole.", "I see her dancing\non that pole, too.", "Oh, my God, that's Quinn.", "EMCEE: Gentlemen,\ngive it up for Karma.", "I really appreciate\nyou guys taking me in.", "I mean,", "I'm homeless,", "things between me and Ted\nare still kind of weird.", "So, it's nice\nto be around friends.", "Well, stay as long\nas you want, sweetie.", "Oh, thank you.", "Mm.", "Now, I got you a journal.", "I know this sounds lame,", "but it really helps work\nthrough stuff to write about it.", "Oh.", "\"Dear Diary. The fantasies\nof killing Marshall's mom", "\"have become more vivid.", "Today, I scalped her with a ..\"\"\nWhoops,", "that one's mine.", "You are going to have\nso much fun here.", "Oh, guys, please, do not feel like you\nhave to keep me entertained.", "Well, you shouldn't have come\nto East Meadow, Long Island,", "Robin, if you didn't want\nto be entertained.", "Really? I didn't think\nthere was a ton to do here.", "Oh, apparently, someone\nhasn't heard", "of the Uniondale\nMiniatures Museum.", "You'll come for\nthe 19th century thimble art,", "but you'll stay for the\nDutch masters on bottle caps.", "Plus,", "you'll be bowling\nwith two", "charter members of the\nEast Meadow Alley Cats.", "\"We're a hot dog eating team", "with a bowling problem.\"", "Shirley", "came up with that one.", "Great bowler, Shirley.", "She hit 280 the other day.", "Unfortunately,\nthat was on her bathroom scale.", "NARRATOR: When Robin moved out,", "there was a hole in my life", "in the shape\nof an empty bedroom.", "I filled it with a new hobby.", "(sizzling)", "(coughing)", "What are you doing\nin my old room?", "This room being empty\nwas bumming me out,", "so I decided\nto do something healthy", "that would take my mind off you.", "Well, nothing says healthy", "like smoking 40 pounds\nof pork loin", "in an unventilated room", "while having an imaginary\nconversation with your ex.", "Just for that,\nyou're not getting any.", "I'm not getting any?", "You're the one smoking\nyour own meat.", "Oh!", "(knocking)", "What am I gonna do\nabout this Quinn thing?", "I want to ask her out again,", "but I don't know how I feel\nabout her being a stripper.", "Why would you have\nan issue with that?", "I mean, you've dated convicted\nfelons, arms dealers...", "pageant moms.", "Hey, Quinn is someone I might\nwant to get serious with,", "not just pretend to be a judge", "(chuckles) Tiffany's mom really\nwanted that tiara.", "In a city of eight\nmillion people,", "you happened to walk into\nthe club where she works?", "Maybe it's destiny.", "No, Destiny strips\nat The Melon Patch.", "They're people, Ted;\ntry to keep them straight.", "Wait a minute.", "What if this is destiny?", "I just said...", "What if the universe", "is throwing us in each other's\npath for some reason?", "More or less exactly what I...", "I don't care what you say,\nthis is destiny!", "Damn it, Ted!", "Why can't you ever root\nfor love?", "Hey.", "Hey.", "Quinn...", "No, listen,", "in here I'm Karma, okay?", "Got it.", "Uh, look, Karma,", "I swear", "I never say crap\nlike this, but...", "I think maybe\nthe universe", "is telling us something.", "You want to go out again?", "I'm sorry,\nI don't date customers.", "What about destiny?", "I heard she's\nover at The Melon Patch now.", "No, I mean like fate telling us\nthat we're supposed to be...", "Oh, listen, Barney,", "my manager is really\ngiving me the stink eye.", "I have to get back to work.", "Okay, wait, wait.", "What if I pay for a dance?", "That way,", "your manager's happy,", "and then I can to tell you", "why you should go on\nanother date with me.", "I guess there's\nno reason why not.", "Okay, first off,\nwe have a lot in common.", "For example,", "both of our jobs\nare largely financed", "by drunk Asian businessmen.", "Dear Diary.", "It is day four on this island,", "which the natives have dubbed\n\"Long Island,\"", "perhaps referencing", "how each hour here feels\nlike it may never end.", "So far, they have welcomed me", "and given me a rare glimpse\ninto their bizarre way of life.", "By \"entertainment,\" they mean\ntable shuffle board,", "macram\u00c3\u00a9 classes, and other\nnon-stimulating activities", "which are only used\nin Manhattan", "to calm down drug addicts\nand the criminally insane.", "A preliterate society,\ntheir menus display pictures", "of the food they offer,", "everyone is forced\nto sing \"Happy Birthday\"", "four or five times a meal,", "and dessert\nhas fireworks in it.", "In their lairs, they often don\na primitive shroud", "called a \"Snugget,\"\nand it is not uncommon for them", "to go to sleep before 9 p.m.,", "fearing, as they do,", "the night.", "Also Diary, I think writing\nin you is stupid,", "but you were a gift from Lily,", "and she's watching\nme right now.", "Guys, um, I don't want\nto overstay my welcome,", "and Patrice said that she would\ntake me off your hands.", "So, do you have\na train schedule or...", "Oh, yeah,", "um, but-but", "there's a-a problem\nwith the train.", "Big, big problem.", "There was a...", "Strike.\nA lightning strike.", "That hit one of the picketers\nwho was on strike.", "During a thunderstorm.", "Plus,", "Yeah, she probably doesn't\neven want you there.", "You guys are being weird.", "Oh!\nOh!", "Oh, my God, Robin,\nI am so sorry.", "I'll throw these in the wash.", "They'll be dry\nand folded in the morning.", "Or the weekend.", "And we can talk\nabout you leaving then.", "(quietly):\nOr never.", "Wait, Lily, why don't...\n(yawns loudly)", "It's 8:45,\ntime to hit the hay.", "LILY:\nGood night!", "(lock clicks)", "So Ted, what healthy,", "not-at-all-crazy activity\nare you up to now?", "I liked smoking meat,\nbut now I've got a new passion:", "wood.", "You hear these things that come\nout of your mouth, right?", "(knocking)", "So I went back to\nthe Lusty Leopard.", "You know what, Barney?", "I know I said I have a rule\nabout not dating customers,", "but you may have\nconvinced me to...", "(music stops)\nOh.", "Song's over, I got to go.", "Wait, no, what?\nConvinced you to what?", "I'm sorry, but manager's\ngiving me the stink eye.", "Ugh, get a life, Manager.", "What were you saying?", "Well, I was going to say", "that I do find you\nvery... charming.", "(chuckles)", "And funny...", "and sexy.", "And exciting and smart.", "You so get me.", "You know what, Barney?", "I have never done\nthis before,", "but there's just\nsomething about you.", "So I guess my answer is...", "(music stops)\n(gasps) Oh.", "The song's over.", "Well, just finish the thought!", "But the manager.\nGod,", "I hate manager.", "(snoring)", "There. Your answer is...", "Maybe if we knew each other\na little better.", "(sighs)", "Tell me about yourself.", "Well, um, what can I tell you?", "I'm, um...", "charming and funny", "and sexy and...", "exciting and smart.", "Well, how can a girl\nsay no to that?", "How about we...", "go out on...", "aaaaaaaaa...", "aaaaaa...", "Ugh, these songs are so short.", "(groans)", "Uh, how much exactly\ndid you give Quinn?", "Eight, nine hundred bucks,", "plus whatever\nmy Rolex is worth.", "Whoa.", "I know.", "Ted, I think I'm in love.", "Quinn is totally playing you.", "What?", "That's ridiculous.", "If she were playing me,", "why would she agree\nto go on a date with me?", "You're different than\nthe rest of these schlubs.", "This one time only,\nI'm going to break my rule.", "Let's go out tomorrow night.", "Sweet!", "Oh, shoot!\nI have to work tomorrow. Ugh!", "Hey! Brainstorm!", "What if we just have\nour date here,", "It's a date.", "It's not a date, if you go into a\nstrip club and paying for lap dances.", "If it's not a date, why'd she\nsay, every fifth day was free?", "Because that's\nthe Lusty Leopard's policy", "on Friday nights, and I'm so mad\nat you that I know that!", "ROBIN: Dear Diary.", "It is day six on this island,", "and I begin to fear I am\nmore captive than guest...", "(screams)", "Morning, sweetie.", "Up for croquet?", "Hey, uh, Lil, are you done", "washing my clothes yet?\nBecause I...", "Oh, I am so sorry.", "Your clothes accidentally\nwound up in the bag", "I donated to Goodwill.", "You gave away my clothes?", "They were a bit fancy\nfor East Meadow.", "(whispers):\nPeople were staring.", "Besides, we have\nan extra Snugget.", "Try it.", "Try it, Robin.", "ROBIN: They're trying to make me\none of them, Diary.", "And I begin to fear...", "I may like it!", "I can't believe we're\nat a strip club,", "and the biggest boob\nin here is you.", "It's a real date, Ted.", "And clearly you haven't\nseen the DeSalvo twins.", "She's right over there.", "Barney...\nYowza!", "You are not on a date.", "Okay, look, prove it.", "Prove that she's not just\ntaking advantage of you.", "Get her to go out with\nyou anywhere but here.", "Fine!", "Hey, sexy! You want a dance?", "Yeah!", "Uh, one thing, though.", "Um, you'd be okay\nwith us having a date", "somewhere besides here,\nwouldn't you?", "I was hoping you would ask that.", "I'm sorry it's\nso expensive in here,", "but it's nice and private, huh?", "Absolutely. And romantic!", "It's our first getaway\nas a couple!", "It's become clear to me, Diary,", "that I must attempt\na dramatic escape.", "I will fake a stomach ache\nduring dinner.", "Then, after Marshall and Lily\nleave for bingo night,", "I will sneak out the back.", "I'll swipe Shirley's Rascal\nand drive to the train station.", "Shirley's 42, by the way,\nand rides a Rascal.", "I swear, it's the second half\nof Wall-E out here.", "(two handclaps)", "Bingo...", "was canceled.", "Hey, sexy, you want a dance?", "(chuckles) No,\nI'm not a customer.", "My girlfriend works here.", "She's right over...", "This one time only,\nI'm gonna break my rule.", "Let's go out tomorrow night!", "Sweet!", "Oh, shoot!", "I have to work tomorrow. Ugh!", "Hey! Brainstorm!", "What if we just have\nour date here,", "maybe in\nthe Champagne Room?", "That was our spot.", "Hey, gorgeous,\nYou want a dance?", "Is it a jig?", "'Cause if so, it's up.", "Sorry, I only had the last verse", "of \"Hot For Teacher\" to work\non that. What was that?", "You laid exactly the same line\non that guy that you did on me!", "Sweetie, that is just something", "I say to these\ngullible losers here.", "They fall for it every time.", "(chuckling): Bunch of losers!", "Oh, gosh, manager again.", "He's looking at me like,", "\"Karma, why aren't you booking\nmore time", "in the Champagne Room?\"", "Well, we'll show him.", "No! You're playing me again!", "And you're not even trying hard!", "There's no manager there;\nYou're pointing at a fern!", "Ted was right.", "I bet he's home right now,\nlaughing at how dumb I am.", "Did I deserve this?\nAbsolutely.", "I have told\nsome outrageous lies.", "I have told women I was famous,", "a war hero,", "that sex with me would cure\ntheir nearsightedness.", "Barney?!", "I probably deserved everything\nyou did to me and more.", "But I have been trying,", "and trying hard\nto be a better person.", "Thanks for showing me", "I had it right before.", "Look, I'm sorry we made you feel\na little suffocated,", "but were you really\njust gonna sneak away?", "Well, it's just...\nI really miss the city.", "I know you guys love it here,\nand that's fine,", "We don't love it here!", "What?", "Come on, Robin,", "what kind\nof life is this?", "Going to canasta tournaments", "and high school\nfield hockey playoffs?", "Oh, I think North Bellmore\ncan take state.", "With Sophie's ankle?\nDoubtful.", "Okay, but if you two\nare so unhappy,", "why don't you just move\nback to Manhattan?", "Because the suburbs are\nbetter for the baby.", "Who says? Who says any place\nis better for the baby", "if you two are unhappy in it?", "No, no,\nwe live here now.", "And, you know,\nthis place", "wouldn't seem\nso bad if...", "we got one of our friends\nto move out here.", "Oh, guys...", "Oh...", "I would rather set myself\non fire.", "NARRATOR: The next morning,\nBarney learned that even in", "a city of eight million people,\nthere's no escaping Karma.", "(light music playing)", "(sighs)", "Oh.", "Oh, hey.", "Sorry, can't talk;\nmanager's watching.", "Look, I am sorry", "if I hurt your feelings;\nit's a job.", "Yeah, well, at my job,", "we don't rip out\npeople's hearts for money.", "My company briefly backed\na lab in North Korea", "which did, but we sold it!", "You know, I've worked\nat that club for a year.", "You practically live there,", "and you didn't even recognize me\nthe night we went out.", "You can't pretend to be some\nhurt little victim with me.", "I know you.", "Well, of course you do.", "I told you things\nI don't tell anybody.", "I was honest with you.", "Yeah, because I believe you have\na gay black brother,", "a friend lonely enough\nto smoke his own meat", "and that your mom was a groupie\nfor Supertramp.", "They named\ntheir band for her!", "You remembered all that?", "Well, yeah.\nI mean,", "you're more interesting\nthan the lyrics", "to \"Pour Some Sugar On Me\"\nfor the 8,000th time.", "You know, it's funny.", "Almost every woman\nI've ever met was wrong", "to give me a chance.", "You're the first woman\nwho's wrong not to.", "Large black coffee...", "and whatever he's having.", "It's on me.", "The same.", "Thank you.", "You're welcome.", "1,700 more of these\nand we're even.", "Uh, the song just ended.", "That mean you got\nto get going?", "No.", "Do you have time\nto sit with me?", "I don't know.\nYou're wearing my watch.", "Pottery.\nNow you're making pottery.", "I needed a new vase...", "and some plates.", "And bowls.", "The china cabinet I built had\nsome design flaws.", "Why don't you just turn\nthis into a guest room?", "A guest room?", "(chuckles) You mean\na room ready and waiting", "for someone who isn't there?", "A room devoted to reminding me\nthat I'm still alone?", "Yeah, I don't need that.", "Ted, no matter how many things\nyou put in this room...", "I'll still be here.", "(knocking)", "Hey.", "Hey!", "Come on in.", "Thanks.", "Oh, um, thanks for packing up\nthe rest of my stuff.", "No problem. Uh, you\nwant some coffee?", "Uh, sure. Yeah?\nYeah.", "So, how are things?", "Good! You?\nGreat!", "You know, I actually\nmade this mug.", "Oh, yeah? Oh!\nYeah. Oh!", "Yeah, sorry, coffee's\na little strong.", "How was your stay\nwith Marshall and Lily?", "Uh... a little weird.", "They're not loving Long Island.", "Oh.", "I think deep down, they realize", "it just... isn't a good fit.", "It's hard to admit that\nsometimes.", "Sure is.", "But I guess it's better\nto face it and move on", "than try to force something that\njust isn't meant to be, right?", "I think so.", "Yeah.", "So, what do you think", "you're gonna do\nwith my old room?", "Haven't really thought about it.", "Oh!", "Who needs Manhattan?", "Yeah.", "(phone buzzes)", "Hmm, it's Ted.\nHe wants to know", "if we want to hang\nout in the city.", "The next train leaves\nin nine minutes.", "(door closes)", "TED: Dear Lily and Marshall,\nI don't know if you know this,", "but I never took\nyour names off the lease.", "Well, today\nI took my name off it.", "The apartment is now yours.", "And I think I finally figured\nout the best thing", "to do with Robin's old room.", "(soft gasp)", "See, for me, this place has\nbegun to feel a little haunted.", "At first, I thought\nit was haunted by Robin,", "but now I think\nit was haunted by me.", "Well, no ghost is at peace\nuntil it finally moves on.", "I need a change.", "And I think you do, too.", "This apartment needs\nsome new life.", "So, please, make our old home\nyour new home.", "It is now ghost-free.", "Love, Ted."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E19 The Broath": ["Kids, in the spring of 2012,", "your Uncle Barney went off\nthe grid for a couple weeks.", "So I was relieved\nwhen I got a text", "asking me to come over\nto his place.", "Glad to hear from you, buddy.", "I was worried something\nbad happened...", "to you.", "Welcome, brother.", "What is this?", "Ted Evelyn Mosby,", "you are about to be\nsworn to secrecy", "through the sacred vows\nof a Bro Oath,", "or \"Broath.\"", "Please, put on\nyour \"brobe.\"", "Yeah, I'm not putting on\nthe \"brobe.\"", "Ted, just...", "just... Okay?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Broooo... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Wait, are they chanting \"bro\"?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Bro... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "I got some local monks\nto record this.", "Yeah! I got a monk guy.", "Cool, right?", "It actually is, yeah.", "I'll burn it for you.", "Just remind me after The Broath.", "Anyway, Ted Evelyn Mosby,", "this ritual forever binds you\nto keep a solemn secret...", "Which is?", "I really like this Quinn girl!", "We've been spending\ntons of time together,", "and I want the gang to meet her.", "But I'm afraid they're\ngonna disapprove because,", "well, you know.\n- I did know. You see,", "Quinn was a stripper...", "who had swindled Barney out of\nquite a bit of cash.", "We're inviting everyone\nto dinner at Quinn's,", "and I want them to\nkeep an open mind,", "which brings us to The Broath.", "Place your hand\non The Bro Code.", "Yeah, yeah, yeah...", "Repeat after me.", "I, Ted Evelyn Mosby...", "\"I, Ted \"Why Did I Ever Tell You\nMy Middle Name\" Mosby...\"", "solemnly swear not to\ntell our friends", "that Quinn is a stripper.", "\"...solemnly swear not\nto tell our friends", "that Quinn is a stripper\" who\nduped you out of lots of money.", "You're only supposed\nto repeat after me.", "\"You're only supposed\nto repeat after me.\"", "Stop it.\n- Stop it.", "Silence!", "Look, I know that things\nstarted out sketchy", "with me and Quinn, but\nI really like her, so please.", "Do you,", "Ted Middle-Name-Omitted Mosby,", "swear to uphold this Broath?", "I do.", "Barney's dating a stripper\nwho's gonna steal all his money!", "Okay, time to go to\nQuinn's. Now remember,", "I told you nothing, okay?", "Barney really wants\nus all to like her.", "But how can we?", "Quinn totally duped Barney,\nand he couldn't even see it.", "Well, apparently, the sex\nis mind-blowing.", "Ha, I've been there.\nYeah.", "I was once with this chick", "who answered the door wearing\nnothing but, uh, whipped cream,", "a dog collar\nand a hot pink thong.", "Marshall,", "you can't tell sex stories", "about \"this chick,\" because", "everyone knows it's me.", "I'm the only woman\nyou've ever been with.", "It's not fair, the guys are\nalways telling their sex stories", "and I can top\nevery one of them.", "Baby, you're like 20 slutty\nchicks all rolled into one.", "Sweet talk is not going\nto change my mind.", "Let's focus.", "Tonight, we want to make sure", "that Quinn is not\nout to scam Barney.", "So, when we walk back\nthrough that door", "three hours from now,\nwe should all be able", "to answer one simple question:", "Do we trust this girl?", "Well, for one thing,", "she seems kind of controlling.", "Is it okay if I put out\nthe hummus, bunny face?", "No, save it for dessert.", "Idiot.", "Uh, ah...", "More red wine, beauty-swan?", "She drinks a lot.", "Is it okay if I\ngo pee, sugar lamb?", "No!", "You just went three hours ago.", "You're right, baby bear!", "Yes, so Barney's whipped;\nIt doesn't mean", "that Quinn is a con artist.", "Well, maybe we could've gotten\na better read on her", "if two people\nhadn't gone off topic.", "By the way, Quinn,\nyour apartment is amazing.", "Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.", "I'm actually moving out soon.", "If you know anyone\nlooking for a sublet,", "this place is rent-controlled.", "You would not believe\nwhat I pay.", "Kids, things have been tense", "between Robin and I for weeks.", "Ever since she moved out,", "and I gave the apartment\nto Marshall and Lily,", "I'd been crashing\nin university housing.", "It's 10:00,\ndamn it.", "Ned, Martin and Millie,", "people are trying to sleep!", "Hey, you were young\nlike us once, right?", "I was never like you guys.", "And Robin was staying\nwith her coworker, Patrice.", "You seem so down today, Robin.", "I made you cookies.", "Damn it, Patrice,\nstop smothering me!", "So, when Quinn said\nher apartment was available...", "It's mine! It's mine! It's mine!", "Dibs! Dibs! Dibs!", "We got off topic?\nWhat about Marshall?", "Hey, I was just\ngoing along with", "whoever suggested\nwe play that game.", "Hey, let's play a game!", "Uh, craziest\nsex-in-public story; I'll start.", "I was once with this chick", "who loved to get freaky\nin elevators.", "Doors would close;\nSuddenly,", "she's panting on all fours\nlike a dog in heat.", "Marshall, stop.", "I never said that it was you.", "Okay, so anyway, last August,", "I go bareback\nwith this same slut.", "She get's pregnant;\nBitch is even hornier.", "Oh, yeah? I was once\nwith this dude", "who I caught eating\na sandwich during sex.", "Big ol' meatball", "falls out, lands on my back,", "rolls on to the elevator floor.", "Hmm. Disgusting, right?", "What, I never said it was you.", "Yeah, sorry we didn't stay\nas laser-focused as you guys.", "Hey, at least I got\nsome evidence.", "Look what I found\nin Quinn's bedroom.", "Barney's taking her to Hawaii.", "Lily, you snooped\nthrough her stuff?", "No. It's like\nthe first thing you see", "when you jimmy open her desk\ndrawer with a letter opener", "her grandfather left her,\naccording to her diary.", "First-class tickets,", "a four-star hotel--\nthis cost Barney a fortune.", "Yeah, this proves that Quinn is\ntotally using him for his money.", "You know what Lily, enough.", "Guys, even if you're right\nabout Quinn, this is Barney.", "He'll come to his senses.", "I give this whole thing\na week, two weeks, tops.", "And now, we have\nan announcement.", "Can I tell them?", "No.", "We're moving in together\nWe're m...", "Congrats! That's great.\nSo happy for you.", "We gotta end this.", "Yup.", "Kids, as you'll recall,", "our gang had a subtle way\nof letting someone know", "they were making a mistake.", "Where have you been?", "Oh, worth it. Hang on.", "Hey.", "You know we would've\nhated ourselves, right?", "So,", "did Robin tell you the incredibly\ndevious thing she did today?", "Me?!", "Hey, so I just happened\nto be in the neighborhood", "and I thought, \"Man, Quinn\nis in such great shape,", "she must love fruit.\"", "So, unrelated,", "how's the search for\na sub-letter going?", "This is such a\nweird coincidence!", "Robin also \"just happened\"\nto be in the neighborhood", "with a bottle of wine\nand her credit scores.", "I can't believe you two.", "What do you care about more,\nprotecting your friend", "from getting hurt or scoring\nthis girl's apartment?", "There's a working fireplace!", "Patrice is ironing\nmy pants all wrong!", "You guys should be ashamed.", "Speaking of shame,", "I was once with this chick\nwho liked to do hand stuff", "underneath a jacket\nwhile we were all", "sitting around our\nfavorite booth at MacLaren's.", "Gross.", "We share appetizers.", "Okay, well, I was once\nwith a dude", "who couldn't even fantasize\nabout a three-way.", "He was all,\n\"Ew, she's your best friend.\"", "What now?", "I was once with a\nchick who wanted", "to get it on during a school\nproduction of Peter Pan.", "Well, I...\nWait, that wasn't me.", "So, back to Patrice\nand this ironing issue...", "I thought I was the first girl\nyou ever did anything with.", "Anything serious.", "Please don't tell me that\nyou're jealous of me getting", "to second base in tenth grade\nwith Jenna Cristalli.", "Don't say that whore's name\nin front of our baby.", "What's going on?", "Barney, this in an intervention.", "A \"Quinntervention.\"", "You and Quinn are moving really\nfast, and we don't trust her.", "We're just looking out\nfor your best interests.", "\"Quinn-terests.\"", "I don't understand. Wh...", "Wait a sec.", "Ted Evelyn Mosby...", "you broke The Broath.", "How dare you?!", "A Broath is the most sacred bond\nbetween-- okay, yeah, I did.", "Are you aware that\nbreaking a Broath", "can have deadly,\neven fatal repercussions?", "Have you studied history, Ted?", "Extensively.\nBut I'm a little shaky", "on fake history, so...", "The tragic cost of\na broken Broath", "Uh-huh.", "Dates back to\nAncient Bro-man times...", "Hey, Bro-tus,", "you'd tell me if,\nlike, a bunch of dudes", "were conspiring to\nassassinate me, right?", "Um, totally, Caesar.", "Paranoid much?", "Just to be sure,", "can you swear a Broath to me?", "Sure. I swear.", "Thanks.", "You've always got my back.", "Et tu, Bro-te?", "And then he banged,\nlike, a hundred chicks", "and invented a salad.", "True story.", "Well, Quinn lied to you;\nShe manipulated you.", "What if she's just using you?", "She's not just using me.", "What about the expensive\ntrip to Hawaii?", "What expensive trip to Hawaii?", "The one I got for you.", "That was supposed to be\na surprise for Barney.", "He asked me to meet him here.", "What's going on, you guys?", "Tell her.", "Fine, I'll fill her in.", "And I am so angry,", "I'm not even gonna make a joke\nabout \"filling her in.\"", "Which I did three times\nlast night, self-five.", "My friends think\nyou're wrong for me,", "so they're having\nan intervention.", "A \"Quinntervention.\"", "I don't understand.", "Well, see, your name\nis Quinn, and so...", "I'll explain.", "I made Ted promise not to tell\nthem what you do, but he did,", "and now they don't trust you.", "Wow, that really hurts.", "But what's even worse", "is that you felt\nthe need to lie about me.", "I'm not ashamed of\nwho I am, Barney,", "but you clearly are.", "I'm not ashamed of you.", "I just didn't want them\nto judge you without...", "Maybe we are moving too fast.", "What? What is that\nsupposed to mean?", "I don't think I can do this.", "Wait, are you ending things\njust like that?", "If you walk out that door,\nyou prove them right.", "You prove that you're just\nsome heartless stripper", "who never gave a damn about me\nin the...", "Don't call me.", "Wow. That\nwas intense.", "We just destroyed\nwhat could have been", "a once-in-a-lifetime shot\nat happiness.", "I know. I feel guilty, too.", "Fireplace, balcony,", "hardwood floors...", "Okay, I'll just say it:", "After everything that\nhappened between us,", "I can't believe you wouldn't", "back down and let me\nhave Quinn's place.", "Ted, can I talk to you\nout in the hall?", "Has it ever occurred to you", "that the last few weeks haven't\nbeen easy for me either?", "In the span of one day,\nmy engagement fell apart,", "I lost my best friend,\nthen I lost my apartment.", "And-and now I'm about\nto lose my job.", "What do you mean?", "I-I've been completely\ndistracted at work.", "And now my boss wants to see me\nFriday at 5:00,", "which, around the office,\nis known as \"fire o'clock.\"", "I had no idea.", "How could you?", "The one person I want to talk\nto most barely looks me", "in the eye anymore,\nmuch less returns my calls.", "Ted, I know it took guts\nto tell me you love me.", "And I-I know how much it hurt\nthat I didn't say it back,", "but...", "Damn it, th-this sucks\nfor me, too.", "And I-I miss you.", "Is there any way we can just...\ngo back to normal?", "I don't think\nI can do normal anymore.", "Barney still isn't answering.", "We gotta go find him\nand apologize.", "Oh. I thought you were Quinn.", "Barney, we're so sorry.", "We never should've\nmeddled like that.", "Can you forgive us?\nI don't know.", "You had no right to do that.", "How can we make it\nup to you, buddy?", "I, one of Barney's\nbest friends...", "\"I, one of Barney's\nbest friends...\"", "promise never to interfere\nwith his personal life again...", "\"...promise never to interfere\nwith his personal life again...\"", "unless it's an issue of\nhealth, national security,", "or he's about to get up\non a fattie.", "\"...unless it's an issue of\nhealth, national security,", "or he's about to\nget up on a fattie.\"", "And now, to seal\nthis sacred vow,", "the two ladies will kiss.\nBarney...", "The two ladies will kiss!", "Mmm.", "Lil...", "Okay.", "And now the gentlemen.", "Dude...", "And now the gentlemen!", "Let's just...\nThis is silly.", "Don't-don't touch\nmy face.", "I was going to say,", "\"And now the gentlemen\nbump fists.\"", "How long you been holding\nback that one?", "Hot stuff, fellas.", "Did I see a little tongue\nin there?", "I don't understand.", "Well, if these two", "will keep their sweaty paws\noff each other", "for half a second, I'll explain.", "It all started\na couple days ago...", "I want you to meet my friends.", "Should I be nervous?", "Is it like bringing me home\nto meet your parents?", "No, no, no.", "Much more stressful than that.", "You see, my friends, while\nawesome, can be presumptuous,", "meddlesome and\ndownright destructive.", "When they learn what\nyou do and how we met,", "they'll probably try\nto break us up.", "So let's have\nsome fun with them.", "Mess with their heads.", "Are you saying...\nevil plan?", "Hells to the yes.", "My God, you're hot.", "Wait for it.", "Here's what we do.", "I'll make Ted swear not to tell\nanyone what he knows about you,", "and he'll cave immediately.", "Barney's dating a stripper\nwho's gonna steal all his money!", "Next, we invite everyone over.", "Is it okay if I put out\nthe hummus, bunny face?", "And I'll be the bossy-", "No, save it for dessert, idiot.", "Nice.", "And, finally, we'll announce...", "We're moving in together!", "I've got an idea.", "Let's get your friends\nTed and Robin", "fighting over my apartment.", "Wait, what does that have\nto do with you and me?", "Nothing. I just\nworship chaos.", "I can't handle how hot\nyou are right now.", "Wait for it.\nNext,", "they'll try to talk me\ninto dumping you.", "And I'll walk in on it.", "Then we pretend to break up.", "And when they crawl back,", "begging for forgiveness...", "I'll be the bigger man\nand let them off the hook.", "Or make the monkeys\ndance for you.", "God, you're smart!", "It's gonna be legen...", "I'm not waiting for\nit anymore. Mmm...", "dary.", "My God, you two are...", "Perfect together.", "So you're not really moving in?", "Well, it started out as a joke,", "but the more we\ntalked about it...", "The more excited we got.", "So, yeah, we are.", "You have anything\nto say about that?", "So happy for you.\nCongratulations.", "Thank you.", "Thank you.", "You two realize this means", "my apartment really is\nup for grabs, right?", "I'm sure I'll find\nsomething else.", "Me, too.\n- Yeah.", "And that's the story\nof how we met Quinn.", "That Friday, I met Robin to see\nhow it went at \"fire o'clock.\"", "They promoted me\nto on-air talent.", "I'm gonna be\nSandy Rivers' new co-host.", "Oh, my God!", "How'd that happen?", "Remember New Year's Eve?", "When I filled in for Sandy,\nit turns out", "the C.E.O.\nof World Wide News liked me.", "He said I have \"moxie.\"", "So he's a 1940s gangster?", "Apparently.", "And I got a big raise,", "so I'm taking this apartment\non Central Park West,", "which means...", "Quinn's apartment.", "I already told her\nyou'd take it.", "Wow. Thanks.", "Yeah.", "Hey, and congrats.", "You deserve it all.", "You know, I've been\nthinking about it, and...", "I can do normal.", "To back to normal.", "To back to normal.", "Uh... I-I should get going.\nYeah.", "You've got a lot to do.\nTotally.", "So...\nUm, see you soon.", "See you soon.", "Yeah.", "We wouldn't see each other\nfor a long time.", "But I'll get to that.", "Listen, um...", "about me getting to second base\nin tenth grade", "with Jenna Cristalli...", "I don't know what you're\ntalking about.", "I've already forgotten\nabout that dumb hobag.", "Yeah, um, it didn't happen while\nwe were watching Peter Pan.", "It happened while I was\nplaying Peter Pan.", "Here's a photo\nfrom the day I was cast.", "That's me in the middle.", "But then I had my growth spurt.", "By opening night, I was too big\nfor the flying harness,", "and, well...", "I fell hands-first\nright onto Jenna Cristalli.", "The tissues in her bra saved me\ntwo broken wrists.", "I'm sorry. I just, I just wanted", "to have one cool\nsex story that wasn't you.", "Okay. Next time you tell it,\nyou were in your dad's car,", "which you stole to go\nto a Metallica concert,", "and you got to third base\nwith that slut.", "I was once with this chick...", "who is just the best wife ever.", "Thank you for being so cool\nabout what I do.", "A lot of guys would be\nweird or jealous.", "Are you kidding?", "Who am I to judge\nanyone? I'm the devil!", "I mean, if you ever", "wanted to stop stripping,\nI'd support it.", "If you wanted... to.\n- Uh-huh.", "So, you are jealous?", "What? No, no, not at all.", "I'm just saying,\nif you ever wanted to hang up", "the ol' G-string,\nI'd completely understand.", "Nah, I like taking my clothes\noff for money.", "Great.", "Let me... let me finish.", "Hypothetically,\nwhat would make you stop?", "Hypothetically...", "I would stop stripping\nif I ever got married.", "Good night.", "And then we agreed\nto \"go back to normal.\"", "But I'm starting to wonder if we\ncan ever really just be friends.", "Anyway, that's the story of me\nand Robin, 2005 to the present.", "What do you think?", "I think your stories\nare way too long.", "I feel bad\nfor his future kids, dude.", "Hey, my kids are gonna\nlove my stories.", "They're gonna... yeah, they're\ngonna love my stories."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E20 Trilogy Time": ["Chester,\nyou're not even dressed.", "The reservation is in 15 minutes.\n- Shh!", "He's back.", "Every night\nat exactly 8:00 p.m.,", "the well-dressed\nblond man appears.", "Chuck and Joanne", "are going to be waiting.\nYou don't understand!", "Every night, he does this.", "Every single night.", "He steps out of this building,", "walks exactly seven paces,\nstops,", "and smiles.", "Honey, I am worried about you.", "Is he trying to communicate\nwith someone?", "Is he trying\nto communicate with me?", "Why is he doing this?!", "But aside from not being able", "to fart in the apartment,\nhow's living with Quinn?", "Oh, it's great.", "Yep.", "Living with Quinn is great.", "Great, great,\ngreat... great.", "So how bad is it?", "Pretty bad.", "Last night,", "I had just come back", "from my 8:00 fart.", "Sure.", "Go on.", "Still no mail.", "I think they only deliver it\nonce a day.", "Hey, listen,", "when I moved in here,\nI sold all my stuff", "because I know you like\nyour place as is,", "and I was totally fine\nwith that.", "Would it be okay", "if instead of using\nyour coffee mugs,", "we use mine?", "Hmm...", "No.", "Barney, she got rid\nof all of her stuff for you.", "Oh, I see what this\nis really about.", "Yeah, mugs.", "Coffee?", "Tea?", "Eh, religion.", "This is about the fact\nthat you don't think", "this relationship\nis gonna last.", "That's why you don't want\nto throw anything out.", "Because when\nthat inevitable breakup comes,", "you don't want to buy new mugs.", "That's why I've never\nthrown anything out", "for any relationship ever.", "Isn't that right, honey?", "Oh, that's right. I'm alone.", "Lily, here's the thing.", "It's my apartment,", "and I need to assert\nmy dominance as a man.", "Don't ever say that...", "to any girl ever.", "Too late.", "What did you just say to me?", "She gave up her apartment for you!\n- You said that to her?!", "Okay, you know what?", "I don't have to sit here and\ntake this from you ladies.", "I'm going to Ted's.", "The man cave,", "where guys can be guys.", "Assert your dominance?\n- It's like you have no respect for women.", "What is wrong with you?\n- You have a mother!", "You guys, too?", "I'm going to the Y for a shvitz.", "No, dude, hold on.", "You're not going anywhere.", "It's trilogy time.", "Kids, here's the deal-", "It all started a long time ago\nin a dorm room far, far away.", "Dude, if we fail\nthis econ final,", "for the rest of our lives\nwe're not gonna be able to...", "We won't know how to...", "Do you even know what econ is?", "No idea. We're screwed.", "But there's only one thing\nleft to do at at time like this.", "Watch the entire Star Wars\ntrilogy all the way through", "because I haven't done that\nin, like, five years.", "Dude, you can't let that happen.", "If you're not trilling it\nat least once every three years,", "the Dark Side wins.", "Okay, let's make a pact.", "No matter what,\nevery three years,", "we sit down\nand trill it up big time.", "Agreed?", "A-Greedo.", "Wow.", "2003, I mean...", "What's that gonna be like?", "Hey, Ted.", "Sweet hair.", "I told you it would\neventually stop growing out", "and start growing down.", "Anyway, I'm just working", "on designing\nyet another skyscraper.", "And I'm carrying this briefcase", "because now\nI'm a successful lawyer...", "I like that.", "Can I make one adjustment?", "With a cool mustache.", "Nice.", "And who knows, by then,", "you and Lily might be engaged.", "Engaged? Bro, I'm gonna do\nway better than that.", "Ah, being pregnant\nis so much fun.", "I want to do this\nfour more times.", "Oh, baby, how do you feel", "after spending all day\nworking on your art,", "since I make enough to\nsupport us both financially?", "Horny.", "I hope we don't\nbother you, Ted,", "because even though\nwe're married and pregnant,", "it still makes sense", "that we all share\nadult-sized bunk beds.", "So, Star Wars?", "Sure, I don't have to be at work\nuntil late afternoon-ish", "because my boss appreciates that", "I like to stay up late\ndrinking and...", "rocking out with our band.", "Did someone say rocking out?", "Whoa, who's the babe?", "That's the best part.", "Guys, you remember\nmy awesome girlfriend", "who was a virgin until we met?", "Mm-hmm.", "My name's Rhiannon,", "like the Stevie Nicks song.", "I'm hot, but in a crunchy,\nearthy kind of way.", "Oh, and I'm from England.", "Nice.", "Okay, Star Wars time.", "But first, we jam.", "Good thing I spent\nthe last three years", "learning to wail on guitar.", "Babe.", "Yup, our band is\ngonna be in demand.", "And luckily,\nthere'll be plenty of supply.", "Supply? Demand?", "Dude, do you realize\nwhat we just did?", "We used econ.", "We're gonna ace this final.", "We both got zeroes.", "Oh, dude,", "2003 is gonna be awesome.", "\"Satisfaction\"?", "\"Hot Cross Buns.\"", "Well, keep it up, bro.", "So, you ready to watch\nthe trilogy?", "I don't know.", "I mean, I really thought\nthat by now I'd be a lawyer", "with a kick-ass mustache,", "but I still haven't even\ngotten into law school,", "and my facial hair\njust grows in patchy.", "Just red and patchy.", "Come on.\nYour life's not that bad.", "Dude, I manage a Structure.", "But you get 10% off vests.\nThat's something.", "The vests are pretty sweet, but, look...\n- Yeah.", "Lily and I aren't married.", "We don't have a baby\non the way.", "But we did get\nthe cool apartment.", "That we can barely afford.", "I mean, I don't see\nany way that our lives", "are better now than they\nwere three years ago.", "Oh, really, Marshall?\nNothing comes to mind?", "By the way, guys, this is Lisa.", "You'll be seeing\na lot more of Lisa.", "And they never saw her again.", "Whassaaaa!", "Okay,", "three years ago,\nwe had this whole fantasy", "about how great\nour lives were gonna be,", "and it didn't pan out.", "But I'm telling you,\nthree years from now,", "when we're watching\nthe trilogy in 2006,", "our lives are gonna be awesome.", "Ah, hello, Ted.", "I'm an environmental lawyer now.", "Sure, it's not\nthe most lucrative field,", "but luckily I have\nthe cash and prizes", "from my historic seven-week run", "on Wheel of Fortune...", "Can I just make\none little adjustment?", "For which I was knighted\nby Her Majesty, the Queen.", "Ah, Lady Aldrin.", "Oh, Sir Marshall.", "I cannot wait to get a house", "down the street\nfrom your parents", "so we can be close to your mom,\nwhom I get along with now.", "Good, good.", "But here's the best part.", "Rhiannon, hurry!", "Just because I designed\nthe opera house", "doesn't mean they'll hold\nthe curtain for us.", "Just kidding.", "Of course it does.", "Take your time, my love.", "Hey, guys, it's me again.", "I'm pretty much\nthe same as last time,", "only now I'm super-rich\nand fancy.", "And it still makes sense\nthat we all live together.", "What about you, Barney?", "Any predictions for 2006?", "Oh, yeah. Picture it.", "By the way, guys, this is Jody.", "You'll be seeing\na lot more of Jody.", "And they never saw her again.", "Whassaaaa!", "How is that any different\nfrom your life right now?", "It's not. I'm KFC, baby.", "You don't mess\nwith the Colonel's recipe.", "I want things to stay\nexactly the same,", "but with a different hottie.", "'Cause Barney don't slurp\nno sloppy seconds,", "especially his own.", "Okay, the bottom line is", "things are gonna get better.", "Well, all I care about is\ngetting into law school.", "You will.", "2006 is gonna be awesome.", "And look what happened.", "You got into law school,", "just like I said you would.", "See, things aren't so bad.", "Lily left me.", "And now I'll never have\na mustache.", "Baby, there you are.", "I have spent all day thinking\nabout all the naughty,", "naughty things\nyou and I are gonna do", "to cheer up Marshall.", "Like what?", "Um...", "Uh, I'll you guys\nhang out, okay?", "Um, I'll just be...", "waiting in the bedroom.", "Oh, I'm sorry.\nI-I didn't mean that", "to sound like Ted and I are\ngonna do a kind of thing.", "Okay, okay.", "See you.", "Marshall, this will pass.", "Trust me.", "Three years from now...", "Briefcase, lawyer,", "knighthood, mustache,", "all that stuff from before.", "Congratulations, bro.", "And congratulations\nto you too, Ted,", "for locking this down.", "You know, it's weird,", "I never thought I\nwould get married,", "but you talked me into it.", "Or rather, banged me into it.", "You're so good in bed, ooh.", "How is this helping me?", "I'm getting to it.", "In three years, not only\nwill Lily be back, but...", "It's so nice to be married\nto a wonderful guy", "and be carrying his child.", "I think you're being\nkind of optimistic, Ted.", "Can I make\none little adjustment?", "It's so nice to be married\nto a wonderful guy", "and carrying his child,", "and here he is now.", "Guys, I want you to meet", "some douchey guy named Trey.", "'Sup, bro?\n- Mmm.", "I don't know what I love more:", "His thick mustache", "or his trucker hat.", "You know I hate those hats.", "Then you're really gonna\nhate this sonogram.", "Nooo...", "ooo...!", "A baby in a trucker hat.\nThat's awesome.", "Anyway, Ted's right.", "2009's gonna rule.", "By the way, guys, this is Maya.", "You'll be seeing\na lot more of Maya.", "And they never saw her again.", "Whassaaaa!", "Okay, seriously,", "at least tell me you're gonna", "change the what will by then be", "nine-year-old beer\ncommercial reference.", "I mean, come on.", "There's got to be\nat least one way", "that you'd like the future\nto be different.", "I guess there is one thing.", "By the way, guys, this is Maya.", "You'll be seeing\na lot more of Maya.", "And not because of these these.", "Because of these.", "Back boobs--\nthe visual stimulation", "of missionary meets\nthe emotional detachment", "of doggy-style.", "Patent pending.", "Whassaaaa!", "The point is, Marshall,", "this time in three years,\neverything is gonna be great.", "See? Lily came back.", "Of course, Robin and I\ndidn't end up together.", "But I did get engaged.", "And left at the altar.", "But I did start\nmy own architectural firm.", "And it failed\nafter a few months.", "Can we put the movie on, please?\n- Yeah.", "Sure, buddy.", "Hey, by the way,\nwhere is Robin?", "In the summer of 2009,", "Barney and Robin\nwere secretly dating.", "Oh, uh, Barney said she's\ntaking some extension class", "in how to decoupage,\nand Barney's taking", "a different decoupage class\nin the same building.", "That's why they shared\nthat cab that one time.", "We were idiots.", "Wait a minute.", "You're saying that Barney Stinson\nis at a decoupage class?", "That means we can watch\nStar Wars on his giant TV!", "Punch it, Chewy!", "Oh.", "You're back from decoupage.", "What's decoupage?", "Oh, uh, yeah, I took that\ncab there that one time.", "Hold on.", "Come on in.", "We were hoping we could\nwatch the trilogy here.", "Uh, sure. But, uh...", "first go look out\nmy, uh, bedroom window.", "There's a, uh...", "naked lady, uh...", "jumping up and down\non a mini-trampoline", "in the apartment\nacross the, uh...", "street.", "Get me out of this thing!", "There's no time!", "Barney, I am not ready for them\nto find out about us.", "Then you're gonna have to stay\nin there for the entire trilogy.", "Don't worry. It's\nonly 382 minutes.", "Nerd!", "So, where do you guys think\nwe'll be in three years?", "It'll be 2012.", "That's an easy one.", "Guys, this is Sophia.", "You'll be seeing a lot more of...", "Okay, that is so weird.", "I was just trying\nto use the force.", "Do you think instead\nof making a beer", "fly out of the fridge,\nI made that lamp break?", "Either that\nor the stormtrooper did it.", "Oh, the stormtrooper\nwould never do that.", "He knows that lamp costs $1,200.", "Anyway, while it's just us guys,", "We've all had that same fantasy", "about having sex with a girl in\na stormtrooper costume, right?", "Mmm, no.\n- Never.", "Guys...", "come on, no girls around,\njust us bros.", "Safe space.", "Let's stop being polite\nand start gettin' real.", "Stormtrooper fantasy.", "Every guy's had that one, right?", "Not even once, no.\nNo, no, no.", "So I'm the weird one?", "Yeah.\nYeah.", "Yeah.", "How about you, Ted?", "How's your life gonna\nbe different in three years?", "Oh, you know, the usual.", "Gonna meet a nice girl\nand get married.", "I mean, I know I say that\nevery year, but...", "let's be honest,\nin 2012, I'll be 34.", "If it still hasn't\nhappened for me by then,", "something is seriously\nwrong with me!", "Something is seriously wrong\nwith me.", "I can't do this anymore.", "I can't keep smiling", "and being optimistic\nall the time", "when all the evidence\npoints to the contrary.", "You really think\nthat three years from now", "things aren't gonna be awesome?", "I'll tell you what\nthings are gonna be like", "three years from now.", "Uh, yes, hello. I see", "on my frozen entree for one\nthey printed this number", "where I can voice\ncomments and concerns.", "Well, there's more cinnamon", "in the cobbler than usual.", "No, I like cinnamon.", "Oh, you're very welcome\nfor my comment.", "Wait! Uh, don't go.", "Um... do you like cinnamon?", "Hello? Hello?", "Marshall, you want\nto watch Star Wars?", "No, can do, old bean!", "You see, we're up on the Cape", "living the idyllic\nfamily lifestyle", "that you've always dreamed of.", "Oh, and I'm pregnant\nwith baby #5!", "But baby #4 isn't even out yet.", "I'm just that good!", "Oh, oh, hold on.", "There's somebody wants\nto say hello to you.", "Hey, Ted.", "I just wanted to say\nthat things are great,", "and I'm married to that\ndouchey guy in the trucker hat.", "Whassup, bra?", "It turns out it was just you", "I didn't want to commit to.", "Oh,", "and I got back boobs.", "So things are great!", "Buh-bye!", "By the way, Ted,\nthis is Melanie.", "You'll be seeing a\nlot more of Melanie.", "Wait-wait-wait a minute!", "Who is Melanie?", "Come on, Barney, if there's\none thing I can count on", "not to change,\nit's you walking in", "with some random\ngirl on your arm.", "No. No, I don't want that.", "For the first time", "in my life, I don't\nwant to find myself", "in three years\nwith some random girl,", "no matter\nhow many boobs she has.", "I want to be with Quinn.", "Guys...", "you're gonna be seeing\na lot more of Quinn.", "Dude, we've been to the\nLusty Leopard. We've seen plenty.", "I kind of walked into that one.\nAll right, bye-bye.", "What are you doing?", "We're living together,\nI'm excited about it,", "and I'm getting rid of my mugs.", "That was mine.", "Sorry. I don't know\nwhich are which.", "Truth is, I never\ndrink coffee at home.", "This one?\nMm-hmm.", "There!", "I don't need my coffee mugs\n'cause I got yours!", "For the rest of my life.", "Or as... long as\nyou'll have me.", "We haven't really talked\nabout the future.", "Did I make things awkward?", "Just keep smashing mugs.", "Or donate them.", "Point is,", "I plan on being with you\nfor a long time.", "You okay with that?", "Sounds great.", "Ooh.. Oh!", "I am so sorry.", "No, no, it's great.", "A guy has to be the first one\nto let 'er rip.", "I was actually hoping\nthis would happen soon.", "I've been crop-dusting\nthe patio for weeks.", "The patio!\n- Mm-hmm.", "I've been going\nout on the street,", "like, exactly this time\nevery night.", "Where are you, blond man?!", "Show yourself!", "I will be at my mother's.", "We're a real couple now,\naren't we?", "We are.", "Hey, buddy, I get\nthat you're bummed.", "But I got a good feeling\nabout 2015.", "I think that's\ngonna be your year.", "Kids, that was the one time\nI ever lost faith", "in the idea that my life\nwould be better in three years.", "And what's funny is,\nthree years from that moment,", "my life was amazing.", "All right!\nIt's trilogy time!", "Can I just lodge one complaint?", "This is a guy's tradition.", "It's kind of a lame move\non Ted's part to bring a chick.", "Come on, dude...\ncut him some slack.", "I know. He loves her.", "She is pretty damn cute.", "Thank God she takes\nafter her mother.", "All right,\nlet's watch this thing!", "TV...", "play Star Wars trilogy.", "Play Star Wars tril...", "You know what?\nScrew it.", "Okay, you are about to see\nsomething awesome.", "And just know this:", "Han shot first.", "I wonder if things'll\nbe a lot different", "when we watch the trilogy\nagain in 2018.", "I hope not.", "Oh, that was awesome.", "You were right--\nnot weird.", "No."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E21 Now We are Even": ["So, how's living alone?", "You know, it's interesting.", "When I first moved into\nmy new apartment,", "I was nervous.", "For the first time in my adult\nlife, I didn't have a roommate.", "For the first time in my adult\nlife, I didn't have a roommate!", "If I want to walk around naked,\nnobody cares.", "If I want to leave\nthe laundry basket", "in the middle of the living\nroom, nobody stops me.", "If I bring home soup\nfrom the deli", "and leave it in the fridge\nfor two days, nobody eats it.", "And if I do something\ncolossally stupid,", "nobody ever has to know.", "People make fun of the guy", "who stays home every night\ndoing nothing.", "But the truth is...\nthat guy's a genius.", "Because let's be honest,\nsitting around watching TV,", "drinking beer and eating ribs\nalone is what every", "red-blooded American would\nrather be doing at all times.", "Yeah, but wouldn't it be better\nto have someone to share the...", "I mean, don't you\nget lonely without...", "Yeah, that sounds pretty great.", "What's the best thing", "about dating a stripper,\nyou ask?", "Nope.", "Just asked for your drink order.", "I'll tell you the best thing\nabout dating a stripper.", "He'll just have a scotch.", "\"Hey, I'm dating a stripper.\"", "And I should go.", "Time to make the doughnuts.", "More like time to make some\ndough sitting on some nuts.", "She's a stripper.", "I'm dating her.", "I'm dating a stripper.\nBarney wins.", "I'll walk you out.", "Hey, where are you going?", "Quinn needs to get to work.\nShe's a...", "I know, a stripper, got it.", "Hey, taxi!", "My girlfriend's a stripper!", "So, Ted, guess where we're\nhaving dinner Friday night.", "Chez L'Argent.", "I am so excited.", "We've been trying forever\nto get this reservation.", "Can you hold on\nfor just one second?", "What the hell are you doing?", "Nothing.", "Did you say you had to pee?", "No.", "But yeah, I do have to pee.", "Man, this kid better be\nreal freakin' cute!", "What was that all about?", "Lily had a sex dream last night.", "Sex dream?\nDo tell.", "I was painting\nthe baby furniture...", "Oh, yeah.", "Oh, yeah.", "Hurry up,\nbefore Marshall gets home.", "Oh, oh...", "Whoa!", "I'm sorry, baby.", "Were you asleep?", "All pregnant ladies\nhave crazy sex dreams.", "It's just her hormones\ngoing berserk.", "So who's responsible for her\nrapid thigh movement this time?", "Oh, my favorite was when\nshe banged George Washington.", "I liked the three-way with\nBill Cosby and Papa Smurf.", "Oh, he smurfed\nthe smurf out of her.", "Yes, while The Cos\nsmurfed off in the corner.", "We all remember.\nBut here's the thing.", "When Lily has dirty dreams\nabout other people,", "she always tells me.", "But this time...", "Sounds like you\nhad a crazy dream.", "What was it about?", "And then her face turned...", "vermilion.", "Just... you and me...", "gettin' it on, monogamously.", "Monoga-me-oh-my.", "Not the rose quartz\nof the slightly embarrassed,", "or the tomato red\nof the mildly abashed,", "vermilion, the color\nof carnal shame.", "Can only mean one thing:", "Lily dream-banged\nsomeone we know.", "Okay, you caught me\nvermilion-handed.", "The truth is, I've spent\nthe last five years", "trying to inception your wife.", "That movie only came out\ntwo years ago.", "What movie?", "You know who I bet it is?", "Robin.", "Already checked.", "Lily and I paid her a visit", "at the new World Wide News\nheadquarters.", "And I'm so excited,\nbecause I've been trying months", "to get this reservation.", "Can you hold on\njust one second?", "What the hell are you doing?!", "Nothing.", "Nice photo.\nOh.", "Your passport must be enormous.", "Ugh.", "You know, for the record,\nI didn't want this.", "Didn't want it,\ndid not approve it.", "It's super embarrassing.", "Hey, Merle.", "So, uh, do you guys\nwant to come up and see my desk?", "Yeah, why not?", "Come on.", "I.D.?", "Oh. Um, that is me.", "Ma'am, with all due respect,", "you're a wee bit older\nthan that hottie.", "For God sakes.", "You know, here I am,\non national TV every day,", "and still a guy who spends\nhis whole life sitting next to", "a giant picture of me\nhas no idea who I am.", "This isn't my whole life;\nI'm in a band.", "And we're gonna make it.", "And, kids, they did make it.", "But I'll get to that later.", "You know what, I'm probably not\ngoing to get to that later.", "They had one song,\nit didn't suck, the end.", "You always said\nit wasn't about being famous.", "You just want to do\nsolid journalism, right?", "Yeah, well...", "Of course I want to be famous!", "In Canada, I was Robin Sparkles.", "I was a cabinhold name.", "But here?", "Don't need to see\nyour I.D., Merle.", "Everyone knows who you are.", "You're Merle.", "He was in one skit\nin the Christmas party!", "Uh, by the way,\nhow is Ted doing?", "Kids, you remember\nwhat happened.", "I declared my love,\nshe turned me down,", "we both moved out of\nthe apartment, and now...", "I haven't talked to him\nsince we... stopped talking.", "He's pretty good.", "Pretty good?", "Last night, you ate\na box of Froot Loops", "in your tighty whities.", "No, I demolished\na box of Froot Loops,", "fully nude.", "Yeah, \"pretty good\" works.", "Hey, Barney.", "Hey, Lily.", "Do you know what this is about?", "Uh-huh.", "Do I want to know?", "No, sorry, bro.", "Damn it!", "Okay, time for my stuff.", "Guys, I was sitting\nat home last night,", "and all of a sudden,\nI had a piphany.", "And my piphany was this...", "Actually, it's, uh,\nit's \"epiphany.\"", "No, Ted, this is the piphany.", "And here it is:", "Make... every...\nnight... legendary.", "Guys, we've had", "some pretty legendary nights.", "But we've also had some nights\nthat weren't so legendary.", "Lookin' at you, The Night Ted\nMade Us All Watch Norbit.", "Eddie Murphy as a fat lady;\nWhat's the problem?", "That was Eddie Murphy?", "The non-legendary\nnights are done.", "From here on in, every\nsingle night of our lives", "will be a night\nwe'll never forget.", "Starting tonight.", "Who's ready for the longest,\ncraziest adventure yet?!", "Good.", "The weak have been\nweeded from our herd.", "You ready to rock\nand roll, Ted?", "Yeah, I'm going home, too.", "I'm sensing some costumes\ncoming up here", "and I'd rather steer clear.", "Ted, 20 years from now,", "when you're all alone\nand I'm President,", "you're not gonna remember", "sitting around your\napartment doing nothing.", "What you will remember\nis that tonight,", "this night...", "was The Night We Started\na Mariachi Band!", "Uno, dos, tres, quatro!", "Okay, you were right.", "Memorable night.", "That was nothing\ncompared to ma\u00c3\u00b1ana, amigo.", "Because ma\u00c3\u00b1ana is gonna be...", "The Night We Ate Everything\non the Menu!", "A really memorable night.", "But tomorrow night...", "Is The Night We Brought\na Horse into the Bar!", "Okay, but tomorrow...", "Is The Night We Bungee Jump\noff the Statue of Liberty!", "Nope.", "That night was the night\nof Aunt Lily", "and Uncle Marshall's\nfancy dinner.", "Complete with a fancy limo ride.", "Surprise!", "Hello!", "Hi, Ranjit.", "No.", "Should I take the\nWest Side Highway?", "Why not, Ranjit?", "Don't you always just\ntake whatever you want,", "regardless of\nanything but your own", "dirty, sick, twisted appetites?", "I'll stay on Broadway.", "I.D.?", "For God's sakes, open your...", "Yeah, that's about right.", "I.D.?", "Robin had finally\nlearned the lesson", "that nobody\ngets famous overnight.", "That night, she got famous.", "Robin, there you are.", "Sandy Rivers!", "Star of the show.", "What it is, my man.\nYeah.", "Robin, I've got\nsomething big for you,", "something huge.", "And I want you on it.", "Sandy, you were\nin the harassment video.", "You were great in that,\nby the way.", "Thanks, holmes.", "And I like the way", "your filthy little mind works,\nRobin, but this is real.", "Big story's breaking.", "Are you afraid of helicopters?", "I love helicopters.", "What am I covering, a war?\nBetter!", "World Wide News\nbrings you the world.", "And now Robin Scherbatsky\nwith traffic.", "You don't want to go\nbungee jumping, fine.", "Tonight's The Night\nWe Stole a Mummy", "from the Natural History Museum!", "Yeah, I'm not doing that.", "Then get out your MetroCard,\nTed, because tonight's", "The Night We Partied\nwith the Mole People!", "Barney, I have a Stouffer's\nlasagna for one in the freezer", "that is going to be\nunforgettable.", "I have a Sanford and Son\non my DVR", "that I will take with me\nto my grave.", "I don't need tonight to be\nany more memorable than that.", "Okay, Sanford and Son\ndoes sound good.", "But if I could just present\na counter argument...", "You're locked out, dummy!", "Damn it! Barney!", "Give me your phone;\nI'm calling my super.", "The only person we're calling\nis everyone we know,", "because tonight's The Night\nWe Tracked Down Phil Collins,", "Became Best Friends with Him,\nand Talked Him into Reuniting", "with Peter Gabriel,\nSo Then We Got to Sing Backup", "On The New Genesis Album\nand It Was Awesome!", "Fine, I'll use the\nphone at the bar.", "Ranjit, would you please\nput up the partition?", "Partition going up.", "You had a sex dream\nabout Ranjit!", "Hello.", "Ranjit!", "Sorry.", "Okay, yes, I did,", "but it didn't mean anything.", "Okay, well, what\nhappened in this dream?", "And I want to know everything.", "Every explicit detail.", "Don't leave out any...", "Damn it, Ranjit!", "Sorry.", "Marshall, it was a dream.", "Yeah, well, dreams\nare just stuff", "that you subconsciously\nwant to happen.", "Why do you think\nI'm constantly dreaming", "about Bigfoot playing\nquarterback for the Vikings?", "Because you fall asleep\nlooking at a painting of it.", "It soothes me.", "Don't try to change the subject.", "You sleep-cheated.", "You've been\nsleep-sleeping around,", "and I'm sick of it.", "You know, I have half a mind", "to get out and let you\neat all by yourself.", "Should I pull over?", "Damn it, Ranjit!", "Yes, Ranjit.\nPull over.", "Pulling over.", "You watch, Ted.", "Tonight is going\nto be legen--", "it's the night\nwe stole a camel...", "which means it'll be\nfull of drama-- dary.", "Dromedary!", "I applaud your wordplay,\nbut your core premise is flawed.", "Every night can't be legendary.", "If all nights are legendary,\nno nights are legendary.", "See, Ted,\nthat attitude right there,", "that's why I'm in the lead.", "What do you mean, in the lead?", "I'm talking about\nthe game of life, Ted.", "Scoreboard.", "75 points.", "90 points.", "110 points.", "Sorry. Did you just make up\nthis point system?", "114 points.", "And ten points to you\nfor pointing that out.", "Nice job, Ted.", "15 points to me\nfor being gracious enough", "to give you those ten points.", "But here's the point, Ted.", "Every time I go out", "and have an awesome night\nand you're not there,", "that's another 100 points\nin my column.", "So yeah, I'm in the lead.", "Barney, the fact that I\ncan stay home for a night", "shows that I have inner peace", "and that I don't feel\nthe need to keep score.", "That's worth like\n1,000 points right there,", "so at the very\nleast, we're tied.", "We're so not tied.", "Although you know\nwhat is tied--", "the strap\nof my girlfriend's bikini.", "Except when it's not,\n'cause she's a stripper.", "One million points!\nGame.", "Shh.", "It's over.", "It's done. It's done.", "So what do you do?", "You're kidding, right?", "I... I'm an on-air reporter.", "I just did a report\nlike five minutes ago.", "You sound frustrated.", "Yeah, I am.", "I'm busting my ass,\nand as usual, no recognition.", "Robin, I've been\ndoing this a while,", "and if there's one thing\nI've learned, it's flarm.", "What?\nFlarm.", "Flarm, flarm, flarm.", "Blobbum.", "What is wrong with you?", "Are you having a stroke?", "As a matter of fact, he was.", "Oh! Hold on! Wait!", "Meanwhile, Lily was in", "desperate need\nof a female friend.", "Lily, I have seen this\na million times.", "Guys go crazy when there's\na baby on the way.", "You should have seen the manager\nwhen his wife got pregnant.", "After the second trimester,\nhe made her stop stripping.", "Yeah, you're right.", "Now I feel bad.", "Our big dinner's been ruined.", "Marshall's\nprobably crying right now.", "I had no idea that\nfood could be this delicious.", "Marshall, you are being crazy.", "No, no, I can handle it.", "If I sell my laptop,", "we can get seconds\non those squash blossoms.", "I mean about Lily.", "Well, you know,\nshe's being crazy, too.", "She's pregnant.", "She gets to be crazy.", "You have to be the sane one.", "So what, I don't get to be\ncrazy again", "until the baby comes?", "No. Then it's baby's turn\nto be crazy.", "When do I get to be crazy again?", "Never.", "We are totally even.", "We absolutely are not even,\nand here's why.", "I'll grant you\nthat if you include", "the 12 points\nfor designing the skyscraper,", "the 83 points for slapping five\nwith Tommy Lee", "and the 9,000 points\nfor banging Robin before me,", "our point totals\nwould be about neck and neck,", "but there's one thing\nyou're forgetting.", "The fact that I don't care?", "No.", "And you just lost five points\nfor sass.", "Do you remember a conversation\nwe had about three years ago?", "Barney, you're the king.", "Nobody picks up chicks like you.", "You're handsome,", "debonair,", "everything I wish I could be.", "I'm starting to think\nthis never happened.", "Let you finish.", "You're smooth, charismatic,", "\"sauve.\"", "I think you mean \"suave.\"", "Aha.", "So you do remember.", "But there's one thing", "even a master ladies' man\nlike you could never do,", "and if you could ever do it,", "it would be worth 500 points.", "You have my attention,\nmy slightly shorter friend.", "Here's the challenge.", "Get a girl's phone number\nwhile you're wearing a dress.", "Challenge...", "Accomplished.", "That's right.", "Last year,\nI slapped on a dress,", "took a few laps\naround this very bar,", "and I got this:", "The phone number\nof one Stephanie McColgan.", "Later that night,\nI took off my pantyhose,", "and gave her panties...\nmy hose.", "That's right, Ted.", "I am 500 points ahead.", "Until you can get\na girl's digits", "while wearing a dress,\nyou and I will never be even.", "You know what? The super's\nprobably waiting for me,", "and I just remembered\nthere's a spare key", "under the doormat, so good night.\nWait, wait.", "Ted, don't go.\nBarney, I am leaving.", "I'm afraid this is just\none of those nights", "we're probably going to forget.", "I don't think so, dude. Look.", "If you're just joining us,\nthe World Wide News", "Eye in the Sky traffic chopper\nis out of control over Manhattan", "and being piloted\nby our own Robin Scherbatsky.", "This probably won't end well.", "Kids, every now and then,\nNew York has a moment", "when every eye in the city\nis watching the same thing.", "This was one of those moments.", "We all watched breathlessly\nas the pilot on the ground", "told her what to do,\nand against all odds,", "your Aunt Robin\nlanded that helicopter.", "I did it.", "I did it!", "The pilot survived\nand made a full recovery.", "And Robin?", "It's Robin Scherbatsky,\neverybody!", "Thank you so much.", "Oh, okay...", "Robin got famous.", "In the next few days,\nshe would...", "meet the mayor,", "go on Letterman", "and even have a deli sandwich\nnamed after her.", "But most importantly,\nthat night,", "she got a call, text or e-mail", "from almost everyone\nshe'd ever met.", "Hey, Marshall.", "Hey, Lil.", "Hey, Barney.", "Yes, I know\nyou're dating a stripper.", "Mm-hmm.", "Hey, Dad.", "You proud of your little girl?", "Okay, I'll keep trying.", "Babe, I think\nI know why you had", "that sex dream about Ranjit.\nWhy?", "Think about it.", "The way he talks\nabout his kids.", "He's a wonderful father.", "Just like Papa Smurf,\nBill Cosby...", "George Washington,\nthe father of our country.", "You're attracted to great dads.", "And that's why you love me.", "Because I'm going to be\nthe greatest dad ever.", "Sure, that must be it.", "Lily decided\nnot to tell Marshall", "about her dream\ninvolving Frankenstein", "and the tea cup\nfrom Beauty and the Beast.", "That one was just for her.", "Okay, Barney, I got to go.", "What?", "In the middle of", "\"The Night You Got Locked Out\nin Your Pajamas", "\"and Robin Landed\na Freaking Helicopter", "and There's Still Time\nto Reunite Genesis?\"", "Dude, you got your wish.", "It's a night\nwe'll always remember.", "Why can't we just go home?", "I can't go home, Ted.\nWhy not?", "Because...\nI'm dating a stripper.", "Yes, I've seen your bus ad.", "I get it.", "No, you don't.", "Every night, between 9:00 p.m.\nand 4:00 a.m.,", "I'm in hell.", "All I can think about\nis what Quinn is doing", "and where she is doing it\nand who she is doing it on.", "If I don't do something\nto take my mind off of it...", "You're lucky that you can just\ngo sit around the house, Ted.", "I don't have that option.", "Wow.", "You're in love with this girl.", "I really am, Ted.", "I mean...", "she's a stripper.", "Later that night...", "The next night,", "all I wanted to do\nwas enjoy a night at home.", "But there was something\nI had to do.", "It wasn't easy,", "but by God,\nafter a long night of trying...", "Okay.", "Now we're even.", "500 points.", "Scoreboard.", "More than a legendary night", "we'd remember forever,", "Uncle Barney needed a bro\nto help him forget.", "In this case, a bro in a dress.", "I'm proud of you.", "Are you wearing perfume?", "It's a unisex fragrance.\nIt was in Details.", "It's nice.\nIt's perfume."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E22 Good Crazy": ["In May of 2012,\nMarshall and Lily", "hosted a baby shower\nin the apartment.", "All their friends were there.", "So of course I made sure\nto show up exactly...", "three hours late.", "Oh, no! Am I late?\n- Little bit.", "Ah, I'm sorry, I would've gotten\nhere earlier; it's just, um...", "You didn't want to see Robin.\n- I didn't want to see Robin.", "I know, it's childish.", "She's not here, is she?", "Actually...", "Oh, no! Am I early?", "Little bit.", "Whoa, she got you\nthe red stroller?", "Looks like I just blew her\nout of the water.", "Anyway, he left\nbefore the party started.", "Ah, I'm really sorry, I...", "I just think it's\nbest if Robin and I", "don't see each\nother for a while.", "Ted, it's fine;\nI'm a child of divorce.", "You guys keep fighting\nall you want,", "as long as the expensive gifts\nkeep coming.", "Uh, so how was the shower?", "It was good,", "although there was\none weird moment", "with Barney's new\nstripper girlfriend.", "50 laps a day?", "Oh, my goodness, young lady.\nThat is a lot.", "Oh, is it?", "Is it a lot, Grandma Lois?", "Yes, my girlfriend gets naked", "and sits on guys' laps\nfor money.", "And, yes, sometimes it's as\nmany as 50 laps in one day.", "And maybe society\nconsiders what she does", "to be \"disgusting,\"", "or \"slutty,\"", "or verging on \"prostitution,\"", "or actual \"prostitution.\"", "But you know what,\nI accept her.", "And if you can't do the same,", "well, then shame on you.", "Shame...", "on...", "you.", "We were, um, talking\nabout swimming.", "How I sometimes swim\n50 laps a day.", "Well, it's great cardio.", "Lois, can I top off\nyour champagne?", "You know, it's funny,", "you tell the average guy\nyou're dating a stripper,", "he thinks it's awesome.", "Heck, you tell your mom,\nshe high-fives you so fast,", "she doesn't even\ntake off her oven mitts.", "But if they had any idea", "The jealousy,", "the insecurity,", "those high-fives would be\nhigh-fives of condolence.", "Barney, condolence high-fives\nare not a thing.", "They're a thing.", "I'm afraid we're gonna\nhave to let you go.", "Up top.", "Ah, listen to me\nand my boring couples' problems.", "How are you?", "How's the single life?", "I wouldn't know.\nAfter this whole Robin thing,", "for the time being,\nI'm laying low.", "Laying low as in", "sleeping with a really\nshort chick?", "You guys doing 39?", "I mean, I'm not seeing anyone.", "I'm just, you know, trying\nto get Robin out of my head.", "You need a palate cleanser.", "Barney, please,\ndon't try to set me up", "with Quinn's stripper friends.\nOh, I wouldn't dream of it.", "Why not, how many hints\ndo I have to drop?!", "No, I'm thinking of something\nmuch more traditional.", "Online dating.\nYeah, no thanks.", "Come on, Ted! It's 2012.", "What do you expect,\nto meet some cute travel agent", "when you're reading a newspaper\nat a bookstore?", "None of those things\nexist anymore.", "Barney, I will never, ever,", "ever, try online dating.", "That night\nI tried online dating.", "And kids, the first girl", "Beautiful, smart, funny, huge\nfan of prewar architecture,", "favorite poet Neruda,\nfavorite movie Ghostbusters,", "and she didn't hate Cleveland.", "She's perfect.", "So I sent her an email,", "inviting her to mini golf.", "Hello.\n- Mini golf?", "Mini golf? Who takes\na first date to mini golf?", "I'm coming over!", "Oh, Ted-Ted-Ted-\nTeddy-Ted-Ted.", "Who buzzed you in?", "Did you really think you\ncould start dating online,", "and I wouldn't find out?", "But with thi-this\ngirl, sh-she was...", "Me. She was me, Ted.", "The photo was just of some girl\nI knew you'd never seen before,", "a very famous sports anchor\non ESPN.", "Barney, I don't need you to\nhelp me find a girl online.", "Exactly because I've\nalready done it!", "Three girls in fact.", "I scoured the dating sites", "using my own personal\nlogarithms,", "factoring in a broad\nspectrum of variables,", "filtering out undesirable\nhigh-risk negatives,", "guaranteeing a success\nrate of 83...", "You picked the girls\nthat showed the most boob.", "My methods get results.", "Go out with these three girls,", "and your palate is going\nto be so cleansed,", "you will see\nyour reflection in it.", "And when you do,", "you can fix the hair, because...\nHave you seen yourself?", "No, but you know\nwhat I have seen,", "your stripper\ngirlfriend's cans. Wow.", "Wow.\nWow, wow.", "That was going way\ntoo far, wasn't it?", "I'm sorry.", "My condolences.", "Come on.", "Man, Marshall's really\nstressing out about this baby.", "He's reading every book,", "watching breast-feeding\ndocumentaries.", "I woke up the other day,\nhe had swaddled me.", "Sure, it was the best night's\nsleep I had had in months,", "but still...", "You know\nwhat his latest thing is?", "What the hell is that?", "Marshall, what is that?", "I rigged this alarm\nto go off every three hours.", "I'm training myself for the", "sporadic sleep patterns\nof early parenthood.", "Now, if you'll excuse me,", "I have a practice-baby\nto soothe.", "You got to talk to him.", "Yeah, I'll talk to him tonight.", "Maybe tomorrow morning.", "One last swaddle?", "It's just so cozy.", "It's like sleeping\nin a warm burrito.", "Meanwhile,\nBarney was about to have", "a stripper's boyfriend's\nworst nightmare.", "Karma?", "Oh, my gosh,\nI didn't recognize you", "without your legs\nbehind your head.", "Darryl, I didn't recognize you", "without your\ncreepy trench coat.", "How are you?", "Great, you working tomorrow?\nYou know it.", "Great. I'll be there\nwith bells on.", "And by bells,\nI mean super thin sweatpants.", "Gross.", "He's actually a nice guy.", "She's so busy as deputy mayor,", "but I always get a card\non my birthday.", "Quinn, I love the fact\nthat you're a stripper,", "but I hate the fact\nthat you're a stripper.", "Barney, I like my job.", "And I do not need\nto be rescued.", "So, don't be that guy.", "You're right, you're right.", "I got it.\nForget I said anything.", "Hmm.", "I'll see you tonight, Karma.", "You got it, Dirty Larry.", "You have to quit your job!", "That night, I went out", "with the first girl\nBarney picked for me.", "There was just one problem.", "Your name is Robin?", "Yeah, with a Y.", "Oh, Yobin.", "No, Robyn.", "I go by ScotchAndGunLover\nin my online profile,", "'cause those are\nmy two favorite things.", "Well, next to Canada,\nmy home and native land.", "Oh. Canada.", "And just like that,", "Robyn became Robin.", "How's it going, Ted?", "Oh, good. Hey, look,\nmommy's back from the bar!", "Now I can finally take a shower.", "This diaper smells.\nI don't want to know.", "Okay, Marshall,", "sit down; we need to talk.", "Look, I know you mean well,", "but we have five weeks\ntill the due date.", "Can't we use this\ntime to just relax?", "We'll figure out\nhow all this stuff", "works after the baby comes.", "After the baby comes?", "Yeah, we'll learn on the job.", "Learn on the j... Huh.", "Wow, you know, Lily,", "maybe the crisis here isn't that\nI'm not ready to be a dad;", "Maybe it's that\nyou're not ready to be a mom!", "Excuse me?!\nYeah.", "With that, an argument began,", "the details of which are still\nhotly debated to this day.", "For instance, Uncle Marshall-", "I'm the only one making\nsacrifices for this baby!", "What?!", "And he claims he never-", "It's like you don't even know\nthat you're pregnant!", "While Lily insists-", "Baby's are easy; you just", "watch them be cute\nand feed them spaghetti!", "But everyone agrees-", "Marshall, what I need now\nis some peace, some quiet,", "and now that it's out there,\nsome spaghetti.", "Now, please help me off\nthe couch so I can storm out.", "Huh!", "The next day,\nI filled Barney in on my date.", "Oh, Yobin.", "No, Robyn.", "And for the rest of the night,", "every time I looked at her,\nI just saw Robin's face.", "Well, I should hope so.\nNo, our Robin.", "Robin with an I.", "Uh, our Robin has\ntwo eyes, my friend.", "But that's good. You're\nforgetting what she looks like.", "I'm sorry, that must\nhave been tough.", "If anyone knows what\nthat feels like, it's me.", "My condolences.", "Okay. Moving on.", "Perfect palate cleanser.", "Nothing like Robin.", "How nothing?", "I gaze out into the world\nand all I see", "is an icy place\nwhere dreams die.", "Ooh, lasagna.", "How's it going, Ted?", "What? No. What? Wh-Why?", "Remember, I made lasagna\nthat one time.", "That's all it takes?", "It wasn't even lasagna;\nYou took your botched kugle", "and poured tomato sauce on it.", "I didn't say\nit was good lasagna.", "By the way, what are you doing\nwith this girl?", "With tattoos all up\nand down her arms and...", "everywhere else.\nHello... good gravy.", "Does that dragons tail go\nall the way down to her...", "Ohh, yes, it does.", "Well, what do you want me\nto do, Robin?", "I have to get over you somehow,", "and if this is what it takes...", "Are you okay?", "Yeah. Why?", "You kind of spaced out there.", "Weirdo.", "\"So, in summation,", "I'm very, very sorry.\"", "\"I guess I just wanted\nyou all to myself,", "\"and then I thought of all the\ncreepy guys groping at your...", "\"Okay, I'm getting mad again,", "\"so I'm going to\nstop writing now.", "Please enjoy these chocolates,\nmay contain peanuts.\"", "Kiss and make up?", "Have sex up against the window\nand make up? -", "You do have a great view.", "Well, funny you\nshould mention that.", "It's your view.", "Come again for Big Fudge?", "Congratulations. You're hired.", "You are Goliath National Bank's", "newest executive\nstrategy coordinator.", "What is an executive\nstrategy coordinator?", "It's three\ncorporate-sounding words", "which, when added together,\nequal a fake job", "for which you get\na real paycheck", "in the amount of exactly\nwhat you'd make stripping.", "Plus dental. You're welcs.", "Now, about that\nup-against-the-window sex...", "Dude, I don't want\nto work for a bank.", "Why not?", "Because I have standards.", "You people are whores.", "The things you're willing\nto do just for some money,", "it's shameful.", "You work in a strip club.", "Yeah, and I like it.", "And I'm good at it.", "Barney,", "if I took this job,\nyou would own me.", "I would be willingly\nstepping into a cage,", "which is something I don't do.", "Except on Thursdays, when it's\ncage night at the Lusty Leopard,", "but that's a cardboard cage,", "and I can get out of it\nany time I want.", "You can?", "Wow, thanks\nfor ruining cage night.", "Come on, Quinn.\n- No.", "I wouldn't...\nNope.", "Don't.", "I think I have\nsome thinking to do.", "I...", "Mr. Stinson?", "Does this mean\nI get to keep my job?", "Yeah, Herm, you can stay.", "Hey, baby, listen.", "I'm-I'm sorry I flipped out.", "Oh, that's okay.", "To be fair, maybe I'm at fault", "for loving our child too much,", "although that is the definition\nof parenting, so...", "All right, good make up.", "Hey, listen, I went online,", "and I found\nthis Baby Boot Camp thing", "that they're doing at a hotel\nin Paramus this weekend.", "Baby Boot Camp?", "That sounds great.", "Yeah, it's a two-day event...", "We're going.", "And there's lots\nof seminars and classes.", "You've already made the sale.", "Anyway, I signed us up.", "Not even listening anymore;\nMentally packing.", "I'm trying to figure out\nthe best way to get to Paramus", "without hitting any tolls.", "This is gonna be great.", "And that was the last time", "I'll ever go out with a guy\nwith a mustache.", "This is good.", "This is nice, not thinking\nabout you-know-who.", "Just having a good time", "and thanking God I didn't grow\nthat mustache.", "And you,", "you're so polite.", "My ex-fianc\u00c3\u00a9, Wayne,\nhe had no manners.", "Wayne had no manners.", "Wayne... manners...", "Wayne Manor,\nhome of Bruce Wayne,", "better known as Batman,", "mentor to Dick Grayson,\nhis orphan ward", "who at night would don\nthe colorful vestments", "of the Boy Wonder, aka...", "Robin.", "Holy long walk for a short drink\nof water, Ted.", "Stop this.", "I need you out of my life\nfor real.", "You don't mean that.\n- Yes, I do.", "No, you don't.", "Look how much is changing\nright now.", "Marshall and Lily\nare having a baby.", "Barney's shacking up\nwith a girl.", "With your whole world", "turning upside down,", "isn't a friendship like this one", "something you want to hold on to\nas tightly as possible?", "And every time I look at you,\nit hurts.", "and that's the story\nof my only lesbian experience.", "I'm sorry", "for going into so much detail.", "I'll never tell\nthat story again.", "Anyway, how's your meal?", "Holly, listen,\nI should probably tell you,", "um, I'm kind of getting\nover someone right now.", "I am so glad you said that.", "I guess I'm still\ngetting over Wayne.", "It's been really hard.", "Can I interest you\nin some sorbet?", "You two look like you could both\nuse a palate cleanser.", "How's your palate, Ted?", "Pretty cleansed.", "You know, at this seminar,", "there's gonna be the\none guy who's, like,", "Mr. Parenting Expert, keeps\ninterrupting the speakers", "with his own \"important facts.\"", "And you're gonna be sitting\nright next to him,", "so get ready for that.", "Baby, you've been a little\nsleep deprived lately.", "Why don't you let me drive?", "You know what, that's\nnot such a bad idea.", "I mean, the last thing we want", "is for me to get\nbehind the wheel and just...", "Oh, baby, you smell good.", "When we get to that hotel,", "I'm gonna wear\nyour pregnant belly like a hat.", "You'll have to buy me", "a couple of cocktails first.", "Bar-Barney!", "Where are we?", "Atlantic City, baby!", "Well, in 14 miles.", "What the hell is going on?", "And where is Lily?", "And what did you do\nto the practice baby?", "And is there any left?", "Lily was worried about you.", "She thought you needed\nto unwind, so...", "I mean, the last thing\nwe want is for me to", "get behind the wheel\nand just...", "She made reservations\nfor two deluxe rooms,", "massages, and dinner\nat the Palm,", "and in return,\nI made her cookies.", "So, there's no Baby Boot Camp\nat the Paramus Waldorf?", "Is there even a Paramus Waldorf?", "Bro...", "I am so mad at Lily right now.", "She knew you would be;\nThat's why she packed this.", "Aw.", "My mad-at-Lily shirt.", "I had this made for me", "and my high school\ngirlfriend, Steph.", "In reality,\n\"Marshall and Steph 4-eva\"", "turned out to be", "\"Marshall and Steph\nfor two days", "until Steph's boyfriend\ngot out of juvie a week early.\"", "Drives Lily crazy\nwhen I wear it.", "I hope she's miserable\nwithout me.", "Hey, Ted, how's tricks?", "Tricks are pretty good, Lou.", "Had some girl trouble\nearlier in the week, but, uh,", "I got a feeling from here on\nout, things are gonna be A...", "O-Oh, you son of a bitch.", "Hello.", "Lily's right.", "I've been acting crazy.", "No, it's okay, bro.", "I mean, yeah,\nyou've been a little crazy,", "but it comes from love.", "It's the same kind of crazy\nthat makes a man", "offer his stripper girlfriend\nover half a million dollars", "of government bailout money,", "not to rub up\non other guys' junk.", "It's good crazy.", "I hope Lily's okay.\nOkay,", "you know, that's it, bro.", "We're both turning off\nour phones for one hour.", "Motion denied.", "Okay, you leave me no choice.", "You give me one hour\nof phone-free bro time,", "during which we,\nand by we I mean you,", "get magnificently,\nmythologically drunk.", "I'm talking needing-subtitles-\nwhen-you-speak drunk.", "If you can give me that,", "I will wear this.", "The ducky tie?", "I thought you threw\nthat thing away.", "I did.", "It came back.", "All right, Barney,", "you got yourself a deal.", "Um, excuse me, miss.", "Um, when you get a chance,", "could you bring over a hundred\nshots of tequila, please?", "I'll have the same.", "Why are you still here?", "Why do you think I'm still here?", "I guess because I'm\nin love with you.", "Why else would I be seeing\nyour face everywhere I look?", "Because you feel bad.", "Of course I feel bad.", "I told you I love you,", "which is apparently the worst\nthing you can say to someone.", "That's not why you feel bad.", "You feel bad because\nafter you said it,", "you let me go away.", "I know our relationship", "isn't exactly\nwhat you want it to be,", "and I know I may not love you", "the way you love me,\nbut I do love you.", "Isn't that worth hanging on to?", "I miss you.", "So go get me back.", "Robin?", "Ted.", "It's good to really see you.", "It's really good to see you.", "Look, I think we need to talk.", "Uh, me, too,\nbut now's not a good time.", "Why not?", "I am proud of you, bro.", "You turned off your phone\nfor one hour,", "and you got so drunk...", "Exactly.", "Hey,.", "Yes, Marshall?", "Well, I don't see why not.", "Whoa! I've got\n17 new voicemails.", "Barney, it's Lily.", "You guys need to get back\nto New York right away.", "I'm in labor.", "All hail Beercules!", "Yeah!", "All right, Barney,\nyou got yourself a deal.", "Hey, you've reached Marshall.", "Please leave a message.", "Hey, baby, it's me.", "I think I'm in labor.", "We should do this\nevery weekend.", "Okay, this is real.", "It's not a false alarm.", "This is real; I'm in labor.", "I kind of need you\nto call me back now.", "How does somebody so little", "have such strong fingers?", "Where are you?", "Call me!", "He is the manager\nof the Paramus Waldorf.", "You come to Paramus,\nwe will hook you up.", "If you're trying\nto get back at me,", "you have chosen a wildly\ninappropriate way of doing so!", "Oh, yeah... Oh, yeah."], "How I Met Your Mother S07E23 The Magicians Code Pt.1": ["Kids, when Aunt Lily\nwent into labor,", "Marshall was somewhere\nslightly inconvenient,", "in Atlantic City\nwith Uncle Barney,", "and drunk to the point of\ntalking like Yoda.", "Baby come...", "Papa gonna be am I...", "Hospital must we get now...", "Okay, there's like a four-hour\nwait at the valet stand.", "Plus, we're in no shape to\ndrive. So, a car's out...", "Wait, don't worry. We'll take\na cab to the train station.", "Yeah, good luck getting a cab.", "It's impossible because\nof the big thing.", "Kids, for the life of\nme, I can't remember", "what the big thing was in\nAtlantic City that weekend.", "Was it\na cheerleading convention?", "No, it was a porn convention.", "Sci-fi convention?", "Eh, I can't remember.", "We're stuck in Atlantic City!\n- City of Atlantic stuck in are we.", "Okay, Lily,\nit's going to be fine.", "We are not freaking out.\nWe are not freaking out!", "I feel calmer already.\nLet's get you to the hospital.", "Oh, I can't go yet.\nI talked to Dr. Sonya.", "They won't admit me\nuntil my contractions", "are four minutes apart.", "Okay, well, if you\ndon't make it in time,", "I have got you covered. When I\nwas 13, my father caught me", "kissing a boy, so he sent me\nto our family's ranch", "for foaling season.\nOnce you see a baby horse", "erupt through that birth canal,\nyou stop even touching yourself.", "Anyway, I had skinny arms,\nso I got up there elbow deep.", "I lost this watch\nbirthing Blacky...", "Okay, stop it. I am not\na farm animal.", "Oh, there we go.\nEasy girl. Sugar cube?", "Oh, okay.", "Ah, don't worry, Lil.", "Some of us know what\na woman actually needs", "at a time like this.", "A kick-ass\nlabor announcement e-mail.", "A man,", "a woman,", "and their best friend,", "embark on an\nincredible journey.", "Lily's cervix is dilating,\nand we want you all", "to be part of its\ngrand opening.", "You are not sending that\nto anyone, ever.", "So what I need right now is\ndistraction from the pain.", "Just tell me a story.", "Uh, what story?\nI don't care. Anything.", "How about the worst\ncab ride ever?", "Clean your window for you? - No!", "Hey, get off my cab!", "Oh! Oh, God!", "Oh! Ah!", "We are not panicking!\nWe are not panicking!", "Get on all fours;\nIt widens your hind quarters.", "Stop it! I am not\na farm animal!", "But give me that sugar cube.", "Okay, listen, I am going to\nget you to that hospital", "or die trying.\nAnd if I succeed,", "I ask only one thing in return.", "You can't have sex with Lily.", "I ask only a second thing in return.", "We're not naming our child Barney!", "I ask only a third thing in return.", "Let me choose\nyour child's middle name.", "Because I have thought up the\nmost awesome name of all time.", "What's the middle name?", "Wait for it...", "I'm waiting.", "Wait for it...", "I said I'm waiting.", "Wait for it.\nWhat's the middle name?", "No, the middle name is\n\"Wait For It.\"", "Let's say his first name is,\noh, I don't know, Barney.", "He'd be Barney\n\"Wait For It\" Eriksen.", "How awesome is that?", "That is...", "the coolest...\nmiddle name of all time.", "I know!\nOkay, listen.", "I have a plan\nto get us to New York.", "All we have to do is get our\nhands on that motorcycle.", "And I know just the way\nto do it.", "Here.", "Oh. Hi, Judy.", "Oh, good.\nYou got the e-mail from Ted.", "No, I am not worried my\ncity hips are too narrow,", "and-and your grandson's\ngoing to get stuck.", "I got to go.", "I thought you deleted\nthat stupid e-mail.", "Okay, I sent it by accident.", "She like it?\n- Yes!", "Just keep telling me stories!", "Second base with Neil Young.", "Um,", "I don't normally go to, um,\nsecond base and tell,", "but I just spent\na magical night with Neil Young.", "He's still in my room.", "Seriously?\n- Oh, my God.", "Be cool guys, don't scare him off.", "He-Hey...", "Robin...\n- Yeah.", "That's not Neil Young.", "Oh, God.", "Oh, we're busting apple bags?\nI can bust apple bags.", "Ted, remember when we were\ndating and we threw that party", "and one of those appetizers\njust didn't sit right?", "Ah... doesn't sound familiar.", "I call this story \"Ted and\nthe Cuban Sandwich Crisis.\"", "Ted came out of that\nbathroom looking like", "Joe Frazier after\nthe Thrilla in Manila.", "Oh, what is that smell!?", "Ugh!", "So I, being a great girlfriend,\ntried to help him out.", "You guys are all crazy;\nI don't smell anything.", "Anyway, uh, who wants to\ngo up on the roof?", "But then...", "She, who denied it, supplied it.", "Yeah, must have been that\nCuban sandwich, huh, babe?", "That was not cool, Ted.", "Contraction!", "That wasn't cool, Ted?", "Just keep going\nwith the stories.", "I don't even care\nif I've heard it before.", "Just tell me, uh,\n\"Where Does That Door Go?\"", "Okay.", "Hey, I've never noticed\nthat door before.", "I wonder where it goes.", "Ted.\n- Ted.", "No, no, no, let him...\nlet him...", "Wow...", "Don't...\n- No...", "Robi...", "Oh...", "Wow...", "Dad, oh, good.", "Let me guess,\nyou got Ted's e-mail.", "I'm on my way, Princess.\n- Dad, wait, no, not...", "Damn it, Ted.", "I was okay with you e-mailing\nmy aunt, my cousins,", "and your cousins, and the guy\nthat Robin thought was Neil Young.", "But my father is the absolute\nworst person to have around", "in any sort of\nmedical situation.", "When I was seven, I needed", "to have my tonsils out.", "Daddy, I'm scared.", "Aw, Princess, I would be too.\nI've researched this surgery.", "Anything can happen.\nYou could bleed to death...", "you could have your jaw\nremoved due to infection,", "and the anesthesia could\nsuddenly just stop working,", "much like your mom's\nand my marriage.", "You do know that we're\ngetting a divor...", "Don't worry about it. We'll talk\nabout it after the surgery.", "Calm down, girl.", "Okay, for the last time,\nI am not...", "Actually, keep going.", "Okay, I admit the whole \"win a\nmotorcycle plan\" was stupid.", "Especially because we've been\nplaying on the wrong machine.", "Meet me at the entrance\nin five minutes.", "Hop on, Marshall.\nTonight, we ride!", "You won that?", "Not exactly. You see, I...", "Get off!", "I hope Marshall's close.\nCube me.", "I'm on my way, Lily Pad.", "Kids, your Uncle Marshall", "has faced many challenges\nin his life.", "But he still considers\ngetting up these two steps", "when he was this drunk to be\nthe hardest one of all.", "Tell me a Marshall story.\nI miss him.", "Got it.\n\"The Tale of the Cursed Pants.\"", "Hey, guys.", "So, I'm starting worry\nabout these pants.", "Starting to?", "No, ever since I got them,\nterrible things", "I stubbed my toe,", "I missed my train...\nYou put on the pants.", "And then the lady at the thrift\nstore said that for years,", "no one so much as tried them on.\nCan you believe that?", "Yes.", "You know what this means?", "These pants are cursed.", "What's this in the pocket?", "A clue.", "Marshall had\nthe writing translated.", "It led him deep\ninto the heart of Chinatown.", "It is you.", "The One has arrived.", "Dry cleaning, $21.50.", "I remember that suit.\nHe looked like", "a little kid's imaginary friend.", "Where is he?!", "Now, Uncle Marshall\nknew he had only one chance", "of getting out-", "Bribing a cab driver.", "Machine that gives money!", "Now, Marshall was pretty drunk,", "but he swears the ATM\nstarted to do this.", "Stop\nhitting me. Just for that,", "you're never getting home\nfor the birth of your son.", "No!!", "What's up, bro?", "Wait, how did you...\nwith the security?", "I'll explain.", "Tell me why we shouldn't\ncall the authorities...", "right now?\n- Go ahead, call 'em.", "But first, can you show me\nthe rule that says you can't", "drive a motorcycle\non the casino floor?", "It's not in here.", "And, kids, that sign\nis still there to this day.", "When I came out,\nI ran into this guy.", "Two seats just opened up", "on his bus to New York!", "Barney, you're a genius!", "Plus, here's the best part.", "This Quinn thing is probably\ndone, so I'm basically single.", "He said the bus is full of\nhot college seniors.", "Okay, maybe he didn't\nsay \"college.\"", "Or \"hot.\"", "I miss Quinn.", "What is taking Marshall so long?", "Salt lick?", "Just finish the door story!", "Oh, wow.", "I don't like this.", "Okay, okay, that's\nfour minutes!", "We're going to the hospital.", "W-Wait, but Marshall's\nnot here yet.", "I can't go to the hospital\nwithout Marshall!", "I'm on it.\nLily, spread your legs.", "I'm gonna see if we can\nsee the hooves--", "uh, the-the snout--\nuh, the head.", "Here we go.\n- Take me to the hospital now.", "Okay. Come\non, come on.", "Excuse me, sir.", "My wife is in labor,\nand I really need to", "get to Saint Marcus Hospital.", "So where exactly in New York\ndoes this bus drop off?", "Buffalo.", "What do you mean\nI can't have an epidural?", "You're too far along.", "Things are moving much faster\nthan expected.", "Look, if your hands\nare tied medically,", "just leave the epidural\non the table and walk away.", "Don't worry.", "The baby slide right out, huh?", "It's like a whoosh.", "Like a waterslide.", "Slightly painful waterslide.", "Tell me a story now!", "Uh...\n- Uh...", "Oh! Remember the time Barney", "tried to pick up girls\nas the Terminator?", "Yes.", "Come\nwith me if you want to bang.", "Another.", "Oh, uh, Ted and the\nfreakishly long arm hair!", "No, I disagree,\nbecause the filling--", "It depends on\nwhat you're eating, right?", "If it's...", "Whoa. What the...?", "Whoa.", "The debunking of the\nfreakishly long arm hair.", "Wait, it's-it's\njust a thread.", "I was jealous, okay?", "Barney's getting all\nthe attention today", "with this Terminator thing.", "Huh. Can't believe I'm not\ngetting laid in this thing.", "Maybe I need to pick\na different part of the movie.", "Tell me another story!", "Oh, hey, we never finished\n\"Where does that door go\"\"", "Come on.", "Let's check it out.", "You know what, baby,\nthey're gone.", "It's time for us to move on.", "L-Lil...", "Oh, my God.", "New story!", "Uh, the time we tested", "if banana peels are\nreally slippery.", "Yes.", "Ready?", "There's no way\nthat's really slippery.", "Ow! Ow! Ow!", "Uh, the Halloween we decided\nto go as The Breakfast Club,", "but failed to coordinate\nour costumes!", "Uh...\n- Does...", "Oh.", "Really?\n- I mean, you live with me, Lily.", "Yeah, that was funny.", "Keep going!", "Oh, uh, uh...", "the-the time Barney\nsaved a woman's life.", "Ready?", "There's no way\nthat's really slippery.", "Uh, the time Lily\nwent into labor!", "That's now!", "Sorry, I'm running\nout of stories.", "Forget it!", "They're not working anymore!", "Okay, Lily, I know this\nisn't how you imagined it,", "but I want you to know", "that I am here for you\nand I am rock solid!", "Oh, I can see its head.", "Oh, thank God,\nDr. Sonya!", "You!", "Get that thing\nout of my delivery room!", "Weak women disgust me.", "All right, Lily, legs up!", "We push now, yes?!", "I can't.\nMarshall's not here yet.", "Lily!", "If you don't push,\nI will shove that baby", "up your throat\nand pull it out of your mouth!", "Where the hell is Marshall?!", "I can't do this\nwithout Marshall!", "Kids, sometimes the universe\nsends exactly what you ask for.", "Other times,\nit sends Lily's dad.", "Oh...", "Remember the time\nyou had your tonsils out?", "Yeah, yeah.", "You scared the crap out of me.", "Yes, I did, didn't I?", "Oh, my.", "But do you remember\nwhat happened next?", "And don't worry, Princess,", "if you permanently lose\nthe ability to speak,", "we'll give you a chalkboard.", "You can hang it around your\nneck on a little string.", "Nurse, I don't know\nwho this strange man is.", "Security!", "What are you talking about?\nI'm your daddy.", "What do you mean...", "Hey, fellas, come on!", "I woke up in a Dumpster\nof medical waste,", "and I couldn't\nhave been prouder.", "Because, much like\nthat dumpster,", "you had a lot of guts.", "And you've used that bravery\nevery day of your life.", "With or without Marshall.", "You're having this baby.", "Thanks, Dad.", "That story actually helped.", "Oh, good, I'm glad.", "And, you know, few women have\nvaginal tearing severe enough", "to need surgical\nreconstruction...", "Security!\n- Oh, come on.", "That's not necessary.", "Sweetheart, please...", "Oh, fellas, come on.", "Please, sir, all you have to do", "is take the next exit\nto Manhattan.", "You'll be back\non the road in 20 minutes.", "I already told you,", "I'm not allowed to stop.", "Sir, this man is\nhaving a baby tonight.", "And instead of going\nto Saint Marcus Hospital,", "we're going to Buffalo.", "And I've seen women from there;\nThe city's aptly named.", "Look, I'm a screwup.", "I had something special\nwith this girl Quinn,", "and I ruined it.", "But this guy--\nhe's done everything right.", "He's been loving and devoted\nsince he was 18 years old.", "There are only a few truly great\npeople on this planet,", "and he is one of them.", "He deserves to be\nat the birth of his son.", "So... what do you say?", "Unless there's an emergency,\nI'm not allowed to stop,", "so sit down, watch\nCocoon 2 and shut up.", "I'm sorry, buddy, I tried.", "And then, something\nwonderful happened.", "I'm having a heart attack!", "I'm having a heart attack!", "I'm having a heart attack!", "And my doctor is\nat Saint Marcus Hospital!", "So is mine!", "Mine, too.", "And my son is head\nof Cardiology.", "We know!", "Push!", "I wish Marshall were here!", "I'm here, baby.", "Marshall!", "I don't know why I passed out.", "I have delivered\n12 perfectly healthy babies,", "and one of them was even human.", "Well, it's different\nwhen it's someone you love.", "When that head was coming\nout of your best friend.", "Oh, stop.\nI'm feeling woozy again.", "Don't.", "Salt lick?", "In return for him getting me\nhere, I may have promised Barney", "that our son's middle name\nwill be Wait For It.", "I can't wait, just--\nwhat is the name?", "The name is Wait For It.", "That is the coolest middle name\nof all time!", "Look, um,", "I know things have been weird\nbetween us the last few months,", "but...", "Marshall and Lily\nare having a baby.", "Yeah.", "And, you know,\nI want this baby to be born", "into a world where we're okay.", "So, friends?", "I love you, Robin.", "Kidding.", "You...", "Friends.\n- You...", "Guys, great news\nfrom down the hall.", "One dollar,\ntwo bags of gummy bears!", "It's like, I don't even care", "what happens\nfor the rest of the day.", "I...", "Hey.", "Well, guys, uh...", "I'm a dad.", "Oh, my God!", "Everybody,", "this is Marvin.", "We named him after my pop.", "Tell them the full name.", "Marvin Wait For It Eriksen.", "That is the coolest\nmiddle name of all-time.", "Totally.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa You were born into\na strange world \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Like a candle, you were meant\nto share the fire \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I don't know where we come\nfrom, I don't know where we go \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa But my arms were made\nto hold you \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa So I will never let you go \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa 'Cause you were born \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa To change this life,\nyou were born. \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Boo!"], "How I Met Your Mother S07E24 The Magicians Code Pt.2": ["Kids, this is the story", "of a wedding day\nthat went horribly wrong.", "Ted, the bride wants to see you.", "Uncle Barney\nwas getting married.", "How the hell did we get there?", "I love the name Marvin.", "Marv.", "Sounds like a little\nmiddle-aged man.", "Golf next weekend, Marv?", "How's that tax report\ncoming, Marv?", "At your age,\nerectile dysfunction", "is nothing to be\nashamed of, Marv.", "It was a beautiful moment.", "But then a thought popped\ninto my head, kids.", "The same thought that will pop\ninto your heads", "the first time you see your\nbest friend holding their baby.", "Wonder how much this would hurt.", "That guy's a dad.", "Oh, I think he's hungry.", "Oh, we'll give\nyou some privacy.", "Wow. Seeing them in there\nall together like that,", "they're a family, you know?", "That's what I want.", "Oh, Ted, I'm glad\nwe're friends again.", "Me, too.", "Because as your friend,\nI have to tell you:", "You're full of crap!", "You say you want a family,", "you say\nyou want to meet \"The One,\"", "but you are always chasing\nthe wrong women.", "That is not true.", "Look at the women you date,\nstarting with me:", "I told you right away\nI didn't want marriage or kids.", "Stella had a child with another\nman who she still loved.", "Zoey was married and trying\nto sabotage your career", "and wore a lot of stupid hats.", "Hats were in that year, kind of.", "Name one exception.", "Victoria.", "Victoria was great.", "Exactly,\nand you threw it all away", "to chase after some hot piece\nof ass.", "You mean you?\n- Thank you!", "Victoria is the only\nwoman you've dated", "who could've been \"The One.\"", "You should call her.", "Tiny thing, last time I saw her,\nshe was getting engaged.", "That was eight months ago.", "For all you know,\nshe's single again.", "What if she's married?", "What if she's not?", "Then you would actually\nhave a chance", "to get what you say you want,\nand it terrifies you.", "Whoa.", "What's wrong?", "I ruined things with Quinn.", "I insisted she stop stripping,", "we got in a huge fight about it,", "then I ran off to Atlantic City\nfor two days without calling.", "What the hell\nam I coming home to?", "Let's have an eight-way with\nmy six hottest stripper friends.", "Um, how is that a punishment?", "Wait for it.", "But I forbid you from filming it", "with your overhead camera", "that zooms in\non whoever's being the loudest.", "Nooooo!", "No, that's too cruel.", "Or, you know,\nmaybe Quinn's moved out.", "I didn't even think of that!", "Hi.", "Welcome home.", "I decided the place was a bit\ntoo \"American Psycho\" for me,", "so while you were gone,\nI hired a decorator", "and I asked him,", "\"What would the inside", "of Tinkerbell's vagina\nlook like?\"", "And the kid just ran with it!", "So... what do you think?", "Thank God you're still here!", "Welcome home.", "Lily and Marshall asked Robin\nto be the photographer", "for Baby Marvin's\nBirth Announcement card", "instead of me.", "Whatever.", "The only problem?", "Okay. How about this?", "Tomorrow, we go\nto Central Park at sunset", "and we get the perfect picture\nin the perfect setting.", "Oh, I like that.", "It'll be Marvin's first\nouting into the world.", "You're gonna love\nthe park, buddy.", "It's a great place\nto meet chicks.", "Or-or dudes.", "Or both.", "Oh, we love you no matter what!", "And kids, as I watched your\nAunt Lily hold her baby boy,", "another thought\npopped into my head.", "Even though you\ndidn't buy anything,", "I want to thank you\nfor coming in.", "Here's a free teddy bear.", "What are you gonna\nname the little guy?", "Six Pack.", "Gun it, bitches!", "That girl's a mom!", "Okay, so I met this girl\non the train,", "and I texted her, \"What's up\"", "She texted,\n\"Hey,\" exclamation point.", "Does that mean,\n\"Ask me out\" or \"Just...\"", "Ted, we are responsible for\na whole other human life now,", "so new rule: You can't come\nto us with any issue unless", "it's an \"8\" or higher.", "Got it.", "So I'm thinking of texting\nback a winky smiley face.", "Eight or higher, bro.", "Well, no, what should I--", "Eight or higher, bro.", "No, yeah,\nI'm just wondering if--", "Eight or higher, bro.", "Well, where do you rate this?", "This is the same as what's in\nlittle Marvin's pants right now:", "A soft two.", "Sorry, bro.", "Stop texting the bimbo\nand call Victoria.", "That chapter's over.", "W-We just weren't destined\nto be together.", "\"Destined.\" Aren't you tired\nof waiting for destiny, Ted?", "Isn't it time\nto make your own destiny?", "Hey, false alarm.", "What I was smelling was\nthe previous poop,", "which, apparently, is\nstill somewhere on my", "clothes and/or in my hair.", "Hold him, would you?\n- Oh.", "Ooh.\n- Yeah, smart.", "Oh, sure, that one\nturns out great. Ugh.", "And then another thought popped-", "That guy's nowhere\nnear being a dad.", "Hello?", "Hey, Victoria, it's Ted.", "Um, listen, I was just wondering", "if you wanted to catch up\nsometime; it's been a while.", "That sounds nice.", "I'm actually around\nthis afternoon.", "Oh, wow, uh, great.", "MacLaren's at 2:00?", "Is 1:30 okay?", "I might have a thing later.", "Yeah. Yeah. See you then.", "See you then.", "Meanwhile, Barney\nand Quinn were off to Hawaii", "for their first getaway\nas a couple.", "Ma'am, I need you\nto open your suitcase.", "It's mine.", "Did you have\nto replace my luggage, too?", "Run away on me again, you'll\nbe wearing hot pink stilettos.", "What's that?", "Yeah, what is that?", "It's a magic trick.", "You see, I'm something\nof a magician.", "Open the box, sir.", "Oh, I can't do that.", "Sir, are there drugs\nin that box?", "Oh, no. He's probably\njust barking", "because of the explosives.", "Oh, my God!", "Tell us what's\nin the box right now!", "I can't.", "Magician's Code.", "Okay, I need to figure out\nif Victoria ever got engaged.", "I'll have to very subtly\ncheck for an engagement ring.", "Hmm, can't see the left hand.", "Open the box now!", "I can't.", "Magician's Code.", "What the hell is\nthe Magician's Code?!", "\"A magician never\nreveals his tricks.\"", "Mr. Flanagan, my magic mentor", "from the hallowed\nStaten Island Mall Magic Shop,", "taught me the importance\nof the Code", "one fateful autumn\nnight in 1993.", "Hello? Mr. Flanagan.", "Wh-What are you doing here?", "Um...\nI'm checking up on you.", "Just to make sure\nyou're practicing your craft", "or whatever.", "That is an honor, sir.", "And yeah, I promise,\nI'm practicing.", "But wait.", "Why were you, why were you\ngoing in my mom's room?", "Uh... your mom's actually\nhelping me with a new trick.", "That is so cool!", "What is this trick?", "Is it sawing a lady in half?", "Well, not sawing.", "But actually,", "the Magician's Code forbids me", "from telling you anything else\nabout the trick.", "Wayne, come back to bed!", "Okay, it involves a bed.", "W-W-Wait. Can\nyou at least", "tell me the name of this trick?", "Sure, kid.", "It's called--", "The Disappearing Salami.", "Mr. Flanagan's wife shot him", "before he could ever tell me\nwhat the trick was.", "Yeah, that guy was\nbanging your mom.", "Yup.", "Totally.", "Mr. Flanagan was not ban--", "Oh, my God, he was.", "Wait, why are you bringing\na magic trick to Hawaii anyway?", "I was hoping to shoot up\nto Honolulu", "for the Worldwide\nMagic Convention.", "Don't worry. You'll\nnotice I was gone.", "It's only three\n14-hour days.", "So on our romantic getaway", "to help me forget about\nyou skipping town on me,", "you're skipping town on me?!", "Look Quinn, you're\nvery important to me,", "but you're sharing my heart\nwith an equally important Miss.", "Miss...", "Direction.", "What?", "H...", "Shoot him.", "So what did you order?", "Oh, just black coffee.", "I like it that way, too.", "Yeah, it just tastes\nbetter to me.", "I find that if the coffee beans\nare good enough,", "you really don't need--\nWhy are you in a wedding dress?!", "Well, I'm sort of supposed to...", "get married today.", "All your friends and family\nare waiting for you", "in some church right now?", "Well, not all; we had\nfive last-minute no-shows.", "Well... six.", "Mazel tov, Ted.", "I was starting to think\nthis would never happen.", "Oh, no, Mrs. Matsen--", "I told you he wasn't gay.", "Wait, what?", "I was tempted to leave Klaus\nfor you last fall.", "The only thing holding me back\nwas the Robin of it all.", "I know, and you were right,\nbut... but that's all over now.", "She moved out-- I mean, we're\nstill friends, but that's over.", "All these years, I never stopped\nthinking about you, Ted.", "I've got a car outside", "if you're ready to drive off\ninto the sunset together.", "But if you don't feel\nthe same way,", "if you've closed the door on us,", "just say the word...", "and I'll go.", "Barney, tell them the trick.", "The only person I could possibly\nreveal the trick to", "is another magician.", "Well, I'm a magician.", "Prove it.", "Whoo-hoo!", "That's Barney's version.", "Quinn said it was\na simple card trick.", "Who's to say which\nversion was true?", "Quinn's.\nQuinn's version was true.", "Okay.", "I'll tell you.", "Oh, that's really cool.", "So what's the trick?", "I can't say.\nMagician's Code.", "Ta-da...", "da-da-da-da-da-da.", "Hello.", "Why did you make me\ncall Victoria?", "She's here in a wedding dress.", "I'm the verge of\nruining a wedding!", "And Mrs. Madsen's friend\nthinks I'm gay,", "but let's put a pin\nin that till later.", "Oh, my God.\nVictoria's at the bar with Ted.", "That's a seven.", "And she's in a wedding dress.", "That's a ten.", "We got a ten!", "What are you gonna do?\nWhere is she right now?", "So this dress, what's the cut?", "Are we talking princess,\nball gown, column?", "Right, 'cause it's a federal\ncrime to love weddings.", "She's in the bathroom,\nwhich I guess", "takes forever with that\ngiant poufy skirt thing.", "Ball gown. Thank you.", "Four shots of tequila.", "Ted, calm down.", "Or not. This is your chance\nto get the one who got away.", "You want her, she wants you,", "what's the problem?", "The problem is Victoria's in\nthe middle of a giant freak-out.", "What if she winds up\nregretting this decision?", "She's going after Ted Mosby.", "That's the best decision\nshe's ever made.", "There you go.", "Whoa. What was that?\n- What?", "You said you wanted a picture\nof Baby Marvin's first outing.", "Our baby's first outing", "was to a bar.", "I dribble Cuervo\non Marv's soft spot.", "Here she comes! Quick!", "Oh, yeah.", "Eggshell or cream?", "Is it eggshell or cream?", "So.", "You... me...\nriding off into the sunset.", "Any thoughts?", "One question:", "FDR or Westside Highway,", "what's the quickest\nway to the sunset?", "I need to ask you both\na few questions.", "Let's start with you.", "Name?", "Quinn Garvey.", "Occupation?", "Unemployed.", "Well, well, well.", "Look who's keeping secrets now.", "Sir, I'll tell you her\nstripper.", "She insists she's proud of it,", "but apparently not\nproud enough to tell you.", "Barney, I was going to surprise\nyou with this on our trip,", "but... I quit.", "You... did that for me?", "Yes.", "And now that you know\nwhat I did for you,", "and how much I care for you,", "would you please\nshow him the trick?", "Sorry. Magician's Code.", "Where should we go?", "Your place?", "My place?", "We could go on my honeymoon.", "Just kidding.", "Although, it is paid for.", "I know where we should go.\n- Where?", "Your wedding.", "I'm taking you back.", "I don't understand.", "I thought you wanted this.", "I do want this.", "I've thought about you\nso many times.", "What might have been...", "But I got left at the altar,\nand it nearly killed me.", "You're someone's fianc\u00c3\u00a9,", "and I have to respect that.", "So let's hit a motel,\njam in a quickie,", "and get you back\nto your wedding.", "It's the right thing to do.", "Some part of me\nneeded to hear you say", "that running away together\nwasn't an option.", "And now that I know that...", "it's like I'm sobering up.", "Is there any way", "that we can just pretend\nthis never happened?", "This never happened.", "Mr. Flanagan wasn't\nbanging my mom.", "Well.", "Your flight left.", "We need to hold Mr. Stinson\nfor further questioning.", "But you're free to go.", "Maybe I should.", "Wait!", "I'll show you the trick.", "Sir!", "May I please have\nthe silk handkerchief", "in your top left breast pocket?", "Well... I don't have...", "Sim salabi ma...\nsim salabi ma...", "Relax, relax,\nit's part of the trick.", "How did you get that\nthrough the X-Ray machine?", "No questions from\nthe audience, please!", "What is that?", "Madam, may I please have", "the key on your necklace?", "Oh!", "Is that gonna explode?", "What?", "Ahem.", "What?", "Will you marry me?", "Yes.", "Come on, guys.", "We're losing the light\nfor Baby's Second First Outing.", "I hate to say it,\nbut Robin nailed it.", "Hey.\n- Guys, we've got something to tell you.", "Eight or higher, bro.", "We're engaged.", "That's a... that's a ten.", "We got another ten!", "Oh...\n- Wow, big day!", "Congratulations!\n- Thank you.", "How did this happen?", "Oh... magic.", "Oh.", "Uh, not to ruin the moment,", "but apparently little Marvin\nis quite stunned by the news.", "Well...", "Yeah. Wow.\n- Yeah.", "Do you guys mind\nrecounting this romantic tale", "next to a Diaper Genie?", "Oh, Marvin, you're about to\nhear your first love story!", "Once up on a time,", "this creepy magic dude\nwas boning Barney's mom...", "It's our last chance\nto run away together.", "Door's right there.", "Yes, we'll start a new life.", "Head for the border!\n- Canada!", "Eh, Mexico.\nCanada sucks.", "Okay, well,\nyou're one-quarter Canadian,", "so by that logic\nyou one-quarter suck.", "I'm 100% awesome", "and you know it.", "Yeah, I do.", "Look, I-I hope this isn't weird,\nor anything, because...", "Barney...", "I'm... I'm really happy for you.", "Really?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I listen to the wind \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Really.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa To the wind of my soul \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Where I'll end up\nwell I think \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Only God really knows \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I've sat upon \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa The setting sun \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa But never never never... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "You just drove\nright by the church.", "I know.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I never wanted water once \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa No, never, never, never \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I listen to my words \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa But they fall far below \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "The road to this day has had", "a few twists and\nturns, hasn't it?", "Yeah. Just a few.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa My heart wants to go \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "In a weird way, it all makes\nsense, though, doesn't it?", "Yeah.", "Yeah, it kind of does.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa ...the devil's lake \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa But never never \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa Never never \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "The bride wants to see me?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa No, never, never, never. \u00e2\u0099\u00aa"], "How I Met Your Mother S08E01 Farhampton": ["Oh, you look like\nyou're coming from a wedding.", "Was it a nice one?", "Uh, it's a long story, and\nI don't mean to be rude,", "but I really don't feel\nlike talking about it.", "It all started when\nthe bride asked to see me...", "Wow.", "Okay, don't sugarcoat it, Mosby.", "Just give it to me straight, okay?", "How bad is Barney freaking\nout right now?", "Oh, he's fine.", "No, I'm serious. He's totally fine.", "I have a better tie at home!", "It's cornflower blue!", "It's cornflower blue!", "You may rest assured,\nBarney Stinson is absolutely 100%", "going through with this wedding.", "Okay.", "Good news.", "Um, just one small issue...", "I can't go through with this wedding.", "Okay, calm down, everyone feels this way", "on their wedding day.", "It'll pass. No.", "It's more than that.", "I'm having a serious crisis.", "And I wonder if it would be hard\nto climb out that window.", "Uh, climbing out's easy.", "Climbing in's the real challenge.", "Oh, right.", "It's the same window, isn't it?", "Yeah.", "That story transpired in May of 2012.", "As you may recall, Lily and Marshall\nwere gloriously happy", "having just welcomed your cousin Marvin.", "While Barney and\nQuinn were gloriously happy", "having just gotten engaged.", "And Robin, well...", "Ah, got it!", "Man, that sum'bitch had been\nin there since breakfast!", "Robin: one, poppy seed: zero.", "Heck, this calls for some champagne.", "I think there's some in the fridge.", "We'll get it.", "We're totally not gonna go\nhave sex in the kitchen,", "if that's what you're thinking.", "Aw, we're not?", "No, no, we are. I\nalready took off your bra.", "Oh!", "Hey, are you guys sure you\ncan handle champagne?", "You haven't slept in like a week.", "We should just call it a night.", "Oh, I see what this is about.", "You feel weird because Barney's engaged.", "What?", "No. Of course not.", "And I will tell you why it's not weird.", "What's not weird?", "The fact that Barney's engaged.", "Barney's engaged?", "Heck, this calls for some champagne.", "I think there's some in the fridge.", "Oh, my God, why don't\nyou both just admit it:", "You're deliriously exhausted.", "We're fine!", "Really? We're not gonna be", "the kind of people who have a baby", "and become total zombies.", "Yes, Robin.", "We're not gonna be the kind of people", "that have a zombie and\nbecome total babies.", "Okay, well, what the I was saying is...", "Do you understand?", "Yes! God, yes!", "You are preaching to the choir, sister.", "Whew!", "Hey. So...", "I am thinking about my bridal party", "and... I don't\nhave a lot of girlfriends.", "I mean, I have work friends,", "but I worked at a strip club", "and I know they'll just complain", "about any bridesmaid's\ndress that has a front, so...", "Would you guys be my bridesmaids?", "I'd be honored. Yes!", "Not you, Marshall.", "But, yay, thank you! Oh.", "Oh, thank you. Oh, my gosh.", "It's gonna be so much fun.", "Yeah, now it's weird.", "What's weird?", "Me being Quinn's bridesmaid.", "Oh, I wouldn't\nworry about that, sweetie.", "She probably won't even ask you.", "She just did.", "And we both said yes.", "Heck, this calls for some champagne.", "I think there's some in the fridge.", "Meanwhile, I was also gloriously happy,", "driving off into the\nsunset with Victoria,", "who left her fiance\nKlaus at the altar for me.", "There was just one problem.", "I wonder if Klaus found your note yet.", "My note?", "Yeah, you know,", "the \"I'm leaving you at the altar\" note.", "Is that a thing?", "When you leave someone at the\naltar, you always leave a note.", "It's common courtesy.", "I think common courtesy\nwent out the window when I did.", "Look, when Stella left me at the altar,", "at least I got an explanation.", "I mean, that note\nis what keeps you sane.", "You read it, you re-read\nit, you memorize it,", "you sleep with it, you sniff it", "because it still kind\nof smells like her,", "and then, finally...", "you let it go...", "tied to a brick, right\nthrough her perfect", "little suburban bay window.", "I'll just text him.", "You're leaving a note.", "So, Barney and I have already disagreed", "on a few of the wedding details.", "I want to go with a buffet,", "and he wants to ride down\nthe aisle on a grizzly bear.", "He'll be wearing a tux.", "Fine, fine, I'll\nsettle for a panda bear,", "but you have to call my tailor.", "He'll be furious about the switch.", "Hey, Barney...", "We've gotta talk.", "Um, Quinn just asked me to\nbe one of her bridesmaids.", "Isn't she even a little weirded\nout that you and I used to date?", "Quinn doesn't have a\njealous bone in her body.", "She rolls with the punches.", "She... Doesn't have a clue.", "No, she does not.", "Okay.", "Okay.", "\"Klaus, there is no easy way to tell you", "why I won't be marrying you today.", "Have a great summer, Victoria\".", "That's it?", "No, no, we gotta do this right.", "Well, you can't write it.", "One look, it's gonna be\nobvious it's a guy's handwri...", "Oh no, we're good.", "Okay, fine, you write, I'll advise.", "\"Klaus\".", "Just \"Klaus\"?", "Come on, give it some\nheart, the poor guy.", "\"Dear sweet Klaus...\"", "\"Sweet?\" What, are you\nstill in love with this jerk?", "I'm doing this on my own.", "I'm sorry, I just...", "you know, I feel bad for the guy.", "I'm stealing the greatest\ngirl in the world away from him.", "You're not stealing me.", "I'm choosing you.", "Because you are loving", "and you are caring...", "and you are going to\ngo deliver this note.", "Wait, you want me to go in there?", "It took everything I had to climb out", "that church window today.", "and if I have to go back in there,", "I'm not sure I can do it again.", "It has to smell like you.", "So Quinn has no idea\nthat we used to date?", "None whatsoever.", "Okay, Barney, think this through.", "Do you really want to spend\nthe rest of your life with Quinn...", "Oh, God, you have a point.", "Haven't gotten to it yet.", "Of course. Continue.", "Do you really want to spend\nthe rest of your life with Quinn", "and keep this secret?", "I mean, she's gonna find out.", "Quinn's not gonna find\nout because I've destroyed", "every piece of evidence that\nyou and I were ever a couple.", "That's ridiculous.", "You couldn't have gotten\nrid of all of it.", "You replaced me with a tiger.", "I couldn't completely get\nyou out of that one.", "Had to get creative.", "Well, I'm glad that\ndeleting our entire time together", "was so easy for you.", "But I guarantee you: Quinn\nis gonna find out eventually.", "No, she won't.", "I just need your help.", "Yours, too.", "I know you're out of it,", "but you have to promise\nnot to tell Quinn, okay?", "Tell Quinn what?", "Exactly.", "No, she's really asking.", "Tell Quinn what?", "Can't climb the drainpipe. What?", "When I was in fourth\ngrade, I couldn't climb the rope", "in gym class and all the\nother kids made fun of me,", "even though it wasn't my fault.", "I had to go after Efthimios\nPapajapoulos.", "The rope was slick with lamb grease!", "Okay, so just walk in the front door", "and act like you belong.", "Here.", "Here's the key to the dressing room.", "Can I help you?", "Hi. I'm the church handyman.", "I'm here to fix the broken thing.", "It's busted.", "The bride is taking a \"schnooze\".", "She asked me to stand watch\nso that no one disturbs her.", "I'll be quick.", "You will be dead.", "I used to wrestle in Leipzig.", "You know what?", "A note's redundant.", "You're not there. He gets it.", "No, you were right, I\nhave to leave a note.", "It's common courtesy.", "Well, it's not gonna be possible", "with Andrea the Giant standing\nguard up there.", "Oh, right, Klaus's sister.", "It's too bad Barney's not here.", "Man, he lives for bridesmaids.", "Right, but he's not.", "And it's not like he\ncould seduce Uta over the phone.", "Challenge accepted!", "Honey, it's not cheating if\nit's on the phone, right?", "Say what now?", "Quinn's on board!", "Text me her number!", "You filthy, disgusting man!", "But yes, I will do that to\nmyself at your instruction.", "Let me find a broom closet.", "Oh, ja, good.", "I did it. I did it!", "You're amazing.", "Let's get out of here.", "I left the car keys\nin the dressing room.", "Pretty sure the door locked behind me.", "Oh, God... Oh, God... Oh, God...", "I found it kind of\ninsulting that Barney doesn't", "think we can keep this secret.", "I mean, yeah, Marvin's\nkeeping us up all night.", "But he's still the\nprettiest little girl in the city.", "Baby, did you just hear yourself?", "You said, \"Prettiest little\ngirl in the city\".", "I think you meant \"country\"", "Yeah.", "I mean, what does Barney think?", "We're just gonna blurt\nout that he used to date...", "Shh!", "Oh... that was close.", "Quinn could've heard us through the...", "Good catch!", "I almost just blurted out that\nBarney used to date Robin!", "Barney used to date Robin?", "When did you get in here?", "Like, ten minutes ago when you said,", "\"Hey Quinn, let's all go\nhang out in Marvin's room\".", "Aufwiedersehen, fraulein.", "You know, I hate to\nperpetuate the stereotype,", "but German female wrestlers\nfrom Saxony are just begging for it.", "You dated Robin?", "Verdammt!", "I'm sorry I lied to you.\nI'll tell you everything.", "The whole story. Fine.\nYou have one minute", "before I walk out that door.", "Um, it's... kind of\na long story, Quinn.", "Gonna take a bit\nlittle longer than a minute.", "52 seconds.", "Seven years ago, when\nMarshall and Lily got engaged,", "Ted saw Robin across a\ncrowded room, and I said, \"Oh, yeah,", "you just know she likes it dirty,\"\nbut Ted really liked her", "so we played \"Have you met Ted?\"", "They went to dinner, he\nwalked her home, shoulda kissed her,", "didn't... lame... so he\nstole a smurf penis, went back", "to her place, should've\nkissed her, didn't... lame.", "He threw three parties,\nthey kissed on the roof,", "but decided to be friends... lame...", "then Ted wanted to take\nRobin to a wedding,", "she couldn't go, he went\nalone and met Victoria,", "didn't kiss her either...\nlame... not a great closer, Ted...", "but he finally kissed\nher, they started dating,", "she went to Germany, Ted\nkissed Robin, lost Victoria,", "Ted did a rain dance, got\nRobin, Ted and Robin broke up,", "Robin moved to Brazil, came\nback with a Latin stud,", "Ted got jealous, got a\ntramp stamp, not really relevant", "to the story I just like mentioning that", "as much as possible, I hooked\nup with Robin, Ted and I stopped", "being friends, Ted got\nhit by a bus, we made up...", "Robin and I started dating,\nI got fat, her hair fell out.", "We broke up, Robin\ndated Don, I dated Nora,", "cheated on her with\nRobin, I dumped Nora,", "Robin dated Kevin, but not for long,", "and then I met you and\nyou took my grandpa's watch", "but I fell in love with you anyway,", "and you let me fart in front\nof you and I asked you to marry me", "and you said yes and we came over\nhere to meet little Marvin", "and that's everything!", "Also I went on the Price\nIs Right and won a dune buggy.", "Goodbye, Barney.", "Good... I j...", "She lets you fart in front of her?", "Barney...", "you go get that girl.", "Oh, God!", "You cannot tell anyone that you saw me.", "I cannot get married today!", "Klaus?", "Oh, I'm a mess.", "I threw up in the\ncloakroom, I blamed a small child.", "I cannot get married.", "I left a note.", "Good for you. Not\neveryone thinks of that.", "Who doesn't leave a note?", "It's common courtesy.", "Thank you!", "Do you have the time? Um...", "Yeah, it's 20 after 7:00.", "Ah, sehr gut.", "I can still make the\n8:05 back to the city.", "Auf wiedersehen!", "a way to absolve Victoria of any blame.", "All I had to do was\nclimb that drainpipe.", "What? No, Klaus, no.", "Mach schnell,\nsleepyhead, it's time to...", "I know about you and Barney.", "Who told her?", "You guys did.", "God, go to sleep.", "Okay, no one is going anywhere\nuntil we find out who told you.", "Look...", "there is nothing going\non between me and Robin.", "And why should I believe that?", "Well, for starters, I have a boyfriend.", "No, Robin, you don't have to do this.", "There've been enough lies.", "I'm not lying.", "His name is Nick.", "I didn't want to jinx\nit by telling everyone,", "so I just told Marshall and Lily.", "You can tell 'em, guys.", "We were just talking about\nthis earlier today.", "Okay, well, what I was saying is...", "I have no desire to get\nBarney back because I'm with Nick now", "and, well, I don't want to be crude,", "but I want to spend all\nday licking his abs.", "Do you understand?", "Yes! God, yes!", "You are preaching to the choir, sister.", "I stand by it.", "Guys, it's okay.", "You're new parents.", "You just need to get some sleep.", "We're fine!", "This is hard, guys.", "Really hard.", "Oh, God! Stay with me.", "Stay with me.", "Go get your baby. Yeah.", "Look, it doesn't matter that\nyou have a boyfriend.", "I'm always gonna be\nwondering if you secretly", "still have feelings for Barney.", "I don't care who this guy is.", "Okay, we're good.", "Okay, well,", "I'm glad I left work early for this.", "Robin, maybe later we\ncan discuss the meaning", "of the word \"emergency\" and the phrase", "\"Trapped under a car\".", "Okay. Okay.", "You know he has chicken legs.", "Little tiny chicken legs.", "You guys saw those, right?", "Honey, it's not\ncheating if I lie down on the bar", "and let Nick do a shot from\nmy belly button, right?", "Say what now?", "Barney's on board!", "Nick, hold on!", "Thanks for your help today.", "Yeah, sure.", "Although, it... kind of sucked\nseeing how easy it was", "for you to throw away\neverything from our relationship.", "I... I could never do that.", "622 West 14th Street.", "And so, Victoria and I were\nback where we started.", "But there was something\nI couldn't get off my mind...", "I'll be right back.", "Uh, excuse me.", "Oh, hey, it's you.", "Ja, okay, I'm not sure what kind of vibe", "I was giving off\nbefore, but I am not interested", "in your schnitzel, okay?", "No, no, no, no, no... God, no.", "I just have one quick question:", "Victoria seems like a great girl.", "Why wouldn't you want to marry her?", "Ach, okay, Victoria is wunderbar.", "I'm sorry, wunderbar is\nthe German word for wonderful.", "Yeah, no, I know.", "Oh, you speak German?", "No...", "No, no, no...", "No, just-just-just\nthe one word.", "Oh. Oh.", "Ah... Okay, Victoria.", "There is a word in German: Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz.", "And the closest translation would be...", "\"Lifelong Treasure of Destiny\".", "And Victoria is wunderbar,", "but she is not my Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz.", "She is my Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand,", "you know?", "You know wunderbar", "but you don't know\nBeinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand?", "That is something we\nlearn in kindergarten.", "I'm sorry,\n\"kindergarten\" is the German word for...", "No, no, I know that one.", "Oh, okay.", "But you don't know\nBeinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand?", "You are maddeningly inconsistent.", "It means...", "\"the thing that is\nalmost the thing that you want...", "but it's not quite\".", "Das ist Victoria to me.", "How do you know she's not\nLebenslangerschicksalsschatz?", "I mean, maybe as the\nyears go by, she'll get", "Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz\n- ier.", "Oh, nein, nein, nein.", "Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is not something", "that develops over time.", "It is something that happens\ninstantaneously.", "It courses through you", "like the water of a\nriver after a storm...", "filling you and\nemptying you all at once.", "You feel it throughout your body...", "# Coming up only # In your hands...", "# To show you wrong # in your heart...", "in your stomach...", "# And to know you is hard #\nin your skin...", "# We wonder #", "Of course you feel it in\nyour Schlauchmachendejungen.", "Pardon my French.", "Have you ever felt this\nway about someone?", "Yeah, I think so.", "If you have to think about\nit, you have not felt it.", "And you're absolutely\nsure you'll find that someday?", "Of course.", "Everyone does eventually.", "You just never know when or where.", "And he was right.", "Unfortunately, the\n\"when\" of it was still", "a little ways down the road.", "But the \"where\" of it?", "# Really too late to call #", "# So we wait for #", "# Morning to wake you is all we got #", "Yeah, there's your change.", "Oh, and don't forget your guitar.", "# To know me as hardly golden #", "# Is to know me all wrong, they warn #"], "How I Met Your Mother S08E02 The Pre-Nup": ["Kids, the summer of\n2012 was the Summer of Love.", "Barney and Quinn,", "me and Victoria,", "Robin and Nick,", "Lily, Marshall and Marvin.", "Everyone was happy as can be.", "Which means there are absolutely\nno good stories.", "Let's skip ahead...", "to October 2012,", "the official kick-off", "of what came to be known as", "the Autumn of Breakups.", "It all started when Barney\ngot a little friendly advice", "from a coworker.", "Get a prenup, or I'll neuter you", "before she ever has a chance!", "First of all, if you\nhave an onion bagel,", "you don't need scallion cream cheese.", "Secondly, Quinn is a great girl.", "I trust her.", "Oh, Darlene was a great girl.", "I trusted her.", "And then she took everything!", "My house, my car...", "my dog Tugboat.", "I even lost out with the kids.", "Full custody!", "I got full custody of those kids!", "Your kids are horrible.", "The worst.", "Barney, I watched as Darlene\ncut everything good out of my life", "like a deranged\nsurgeon hacking out organs,", "and that's not a metaphor.", "She got one of my kidneys.", "That's her ringtone.", "I have nothing left to\ngive you, Darlene!", "You won't believe what Barney did today.", "You won't believe what Quinn did today.", "Hey, you ready for lunch?", "You better enjoy\nsigning your name \"Quinn Garvey\"", "while you still can, right?", "Like, I don't know...", "here, here, here, initial here...", "What is this?", "Oh, this is our prenup.", "Black or blue? Totally up to you.", "Um, can I read it first?", "Can you believe that?", "He wants me to sign a prenup!", "Can you believe that?", "She wants to read it first!", "Just go ahead and sign.", "It's all pretty standard.", "\"In the event of divorce,", "\"Mr. Stinson is granted\nweekly visitation rights", "to Ann, Sarah and Molly\".", "You named our future kids?", "That's actually pretty sweet.", "Those are Mr. Stinson's\nnames for your lady parts.", "It's important for the girls", "to maintain a\nrelationship with their daddy.", "You named her lady parts?", "Everyone does that.", "So... Lily?", "Snap, Crackle, Pop.", "Solid. Wait.", "Is this prenup in any way legit?", "I mean, so far, it sounds a lot like", "that bar napkin document\nyou make one-night stands sign,", "promising not to get clingy.", "The Pre-Shtup, patent pending.", "God, I come up with\na lot of good stuff!", "Anyway, I realize", "these aren't just\nterms for divorce, so I ask...", "Are these rules for how I\nhave to behave in our marriage?", "Rules?", "Suggestions.", "Rich people and\ncelebrities put stuff like this", "in their prenups all the time.", "And those are the marriages that last.", "I have to pay $2,000 every\ntime I gain a pound?", "Not every time.", "Just if it shows up at\nthe weekly weigh-in.", "See, you can't do that.", "\"Miss Garvey must invent 12\nnew sexual positions per year,", "\"at least ten of which", "involve her doing\nall or most of the work\".", "You definitely\ncan't do that. - Hm-mm.", "\"Miss Garvey's breasts must\nbe enhanced every five years", "or 50,000\nhonka-honkas, whichever comes first\".", "That's actually not bad.\n- I'll allow it.", "That's repulsive.", "Why do men think", "women like to be honka-honka'd?", "What woman wants her\nbreasts squeezed like a seal horn?", "Um... totally.", "Lily\nlike-a-like-a the honka-honka.", "\"All hair below the\nneck must be removed weekly\".", "Hey, you're gonna be\nthanking me for that hair loss", "during the weigh-in.", "\"Miss Garvey's\nparents may stay at our place", "as long as they like\".", "Well, at least that one's nice.", "\"Provided they each arrive in an urn\".", "\"Wives two through eight\nwill make a weekly chore wheel\".", "I'm sorry, I borrowed a few sections", "from a prenup I did for\na Saudi Arabian sultan.", "I'll cross out the extra wives stuff.", "Unless...", "Cross it out.", "My God! What the hell does Barney think", "marriage is going to be like, anyway?", "Just a healthy, modern-day marriage,", "based on mutual\nrespect between two equals.", "Ready for your\nwake-up lap dance, Master?", "Aren't you forgetting something?", "Oh, my God, it's 9:00 a.m.", "Legally mandated\nmorning pillow fight time!", "Best husband ever.", "Best husband ever.", "Best husband ever. Aw.", "Best husband e...", "Sorry, sorry, we crossed out the wives", "two through eight stuff. Unless...\n- Nope.", "Okay.\n- Don't worry. I crossed it out.", "I didn't really cross it out.", "I can hear you.", "I'll cross it out.", "I didn't really cross it out.", "Hey, hey...", "Hey, guys, what's up?", "Oh, Quinn's pissed\nbecause Barney wants her", "to sign a crazy prenup.", "But is it really crazy?", "Yes. Well, I'm new to\nthis but guessing yes.", "Okay, look.", "Did I go...", "a speck of sand, a fairy eyelash,", "a unicorn whisper too far?", "Perhaps.", "But can you tell me there's nothing", "in any of your\nrelationships you'd want to change?", "No behavior you'd want to outlaw?", "No terms you'd want to renegotiate?", "Look me in the eye and\ntell me I'm crazy.", "You're crazy.", "But a funny thing happened that night.", "Look, I'm not saying he's right, but", "Barney does have a\nlittle bit of a point.", "But on this one, he may\nhave a point. I mean, look...", "the idea of renegotiating the\nterms of the relationship,", "that's valid.", "No.", "There isn't anything about you", "that I'd want to change.", "Well, okay, maybe a couple of things.", "Like what?", "And just like that...", "one of these four couples would break up", "the very next day.", "Okay, it wasn't Lily and Marshall.", "One of these three\ncouples would break up", "the very next day.", "What happened?\n- So last night", "Nick was all like, \"Barney has a point", "\"about renegotiating the\nterms of the blah, blah, blah,", "blah, blah, blah\".\n- Yeah, and Marshall", "was all like, \"Uh, I\nwant to blah, of the blah,", "uh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah\".", "If I shut my eyes it's\nlike they're here.", "They're just using Barney's prenup", "as a way to complain about us.", "I'm just saying, you've\nforbidden certain things", "that I might like to revisit.", "Marshall, you're not\ngoing on a Sasquatch hunt", "in Oregon with a bunch of loonies.", "Loonies?", "Those brave, bearded men\nand women are crypto-zoologists,", "and they deserve the\nrespect that title commands.", "But that's not what I was thinking of.", "You're too precious with the baby.", "Okay,", "when we first came home with Marvin,", "there was a bad moment.", "Welcome home, buddy.", "Was it really that high?", "I don't know. I was hormonal.", "And suddenly, this\nprimal, protective mother voice", "came out of me.", "Actually, it was two voices.", "I seriously think one was\ncoming from my vagina.", "Never do that again!", "Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is the big deal?", "My brothers and my dad used\nto roughhouse with me", "all the time.", "Welcome home, Marshall.", "Hi. Boys...", "go long.", "Stop! Not in the house.", "That's how lamps break.", "Now go pass that baby around outside.", "Oh, fumble!", "And I turned out perfectly fine.", "Marshall, this\nmorning you thought a ghost", "made your toast.", "I didn't put the bread in.", "You didn't put the bread in.", "You know what? I will play with my son", "however I see fit. And\nyou know what else?", "You can honka-honka yourself tonight.", "Barney's prenup", "ruined my night, too.", "Okay... what behavior", "of mine don't you like?", "I'm talking about the TV thing.", "Okay, the TV thing is an argument", "from, like, three weeks ago.", "Mmm.", "Uh...", "Oh, I'm sorry.", "Didn't realize it takes 42 inches", "to keep you satisfied.", "The TV happened to be on.", "I happened to glance at it.", "Does that make me so weird?\n- No.", "Not at all.\n- Thank you.", "I may be a little weird.", "Mmm.", "Oh, yeah.", "I get...", "turned on watching myself", "do the news during sex.", "Yeah, that's a little weird.", "Look, seeing myself on TV makes me feel", "confident and sexy.", "And that is nothing to be ashamed\nof, right, sisters?", "Never speak of this.\n- Ever.", "Yeah, of course.\n- Yeah.", "There's more.", "Wait.", "So when you're doing\nthe news live at 7:00,", "you wink to future you", "watching the rebroadcast at 11:00?", "Maybe.", "Never speak of this.\n- Ever!", "You won't believe", "what Ted did last night.", "You said you were happy to help him out.", "Well, now I'm changing my mind.", "Sorry to interrupt,\nroomie, but I am trying", "to make sausage. Where do you keep", "your pig intestines?", "What's your ex-fianc\u00e9 doing at Ted's?", "Klaus came to me a few weeks ago.", "Since we broke up,", "he lost his job, he got evicted.", "He's miserable.", "I'm so sorry.", "If I could just\ntake a quick whore's bath", "in your kitchen sink,\nthen I will skedaddle.", "Oh, Klaus, I wish\nthat there was something", "I could do to help.", "There is,", "little lady. I've got a guest room.", "You'll stay here till\nyou're back on your feet.", "Are you sure?", "This is your apartment.", "Shh.", "Think of this as our apartment.", "Oh...", "Hero Ted.", "He loves that move.", "Yeah, for about five\nminutes, then he gets hero's remorse.", "Danke schon, roomie.", "I will go get my things.", "Das is\nsuper-duper-duper.", "My ferrets will be so happy.", "They have been living in\nan airport locker for weeks.", "Here comes papa, children.", "I'll admit,", "there have been a few awkward moments.", "You are going to love this.", "This is the popular German\nsituational-comedy,", "Strange Compatriots.", "Here we come.", "Ooh. Here's the thing\nabout this show, okay?", "One of them is very neat", "und the other one is very, very neat.", "Oh, Fritz, kommen sie hier.", "Ah, Fritz...", "It's time to give Klaus \"das boot\".", "Klaus?", "Wait, can-can you hear\nus through the wall?", "Yes, I can hear you.", "I hear everything.", "That's it.", "Klaus, get in here!", "For God's sake.", "I want you out of my apartment.", "You, those ferrets and\nall five newborns.", "Six and counting.", "Mama is still going.", "It is like a clown car.", "Suddenly, it wasn't our\napartment anymore.", "I had no say in the matter.", "These guys are unbelievable.", "You know what, I am gonna go home", "and watch the news all by myself.", "Wait.", "I have an idea.", "You know what?", "I'm on board with the\nwhole prenup thing.", "That's great.", "It's here to protect\nyou, too, sweetie...", "from becoming unappealing to me.", "Actually, I made my own prenup", "with a little help.", "Ladies?", "Go ahead and sign.", "It's all pretty standard.", "This might not be\nthe best time to ask...", "I'm sort of getting back in the game.", "The redhead with the baby,", "what's her situation?", "\"In the event of\ndivorce, Miss Garvey shall get", "full custody of Mr. Stinson's suits\"?", "Why?", "What would you do with them?", "Nothing. I'd just sit around and\nwatch them go out of style.", "That is just sick.", "Keep reading.", "\"Mr. Stinson is allowed to attend", "any function at the Playboy Mansion\".", "Well, at least that's nice.", "\"Provided he arrives in an urn\".", "Gentlemen, just in time.", "What are you bitches doing here?", "Lily.\n- Oh, he's napping.", "It's the only time I get to go blue.", "Barney texted us that you guys\nwere ganging up on him.", "So we're just here to ensure", "he doesn't sign anything he'll regret.", "I'm sorry, I don't think anyone here", "other than me is a lawyer.", "A well-paid, successful lawyer.", "I'm a lawyer.", "Actually, we worked together for years.", "Back off, stretch, I saw her first.", "Hang on a second.", "\"A half million dollar fine", "\"any time Mr. Stinson\ncan't 'rise to the occasion, '", "cue sad slide whistle sounds\"?", "Hey, what's this about a shock collar?", "Ah, yes, we'll explain.", "Miss Garvey has many attractive friends", "who will come to visit.", "May I offer you", "goat cheese puff pastries\nI made, mistress?", "As long as you can do it quietly.", "Wait, I'm confused.", "If it's not around my neck, then\nwhere's the shock collar?", "Oh, God.", "Oh, God.", "It's more of a shock ring, really.", "Her idea.", "Little missy is packing a brain, too.", "Okay, you know what?", "Since we're all pitching in,", "may I suggest a provision?", "In the event", "that you have a son, Mr. Stinson is free", "to play with his\nchild however he sees fit.", "How about forbidding your future husband", "from spiking his child into his crib?", "How about a clause\nprotecting you from having to engage", "in a three-way with her and\nwhatever's on basic cable?", "Oh, yeah? How about forbidding...", "I got nothing.", "How about a provision\nbarring any nudist German ex-fianc\u00e9s", "from slapping his strudel\nup and down your sofa?", "How about pretending to be a hero,", "but then caving the moment a\nferret bite breaks the skin?", "The skin of my eyelid.", "That's how they kiss.", "Are you serious?", "Enough! Enough!", "You all have someone who loves you,", "and you're screwing\nit up, and over what?", "Who has the most power?", "That's not love.", "Love is trusting someone enough", "to tell them what's\nreally bothering you.", "So that's what we're gonna do.", "You, start.", "When you got scared about Marvin,", "it felt like you were saying that", "I'm not as good a parent as you.", "You're an amazing mom,", "and I want to live up to that.", "Well, I probably have trust issues", "because my dad wasn't there for me.", "But I know that you'll\nalways be there to catch Marvin.", "You, next.", "Having Klaus back in our lives", "made me scared we're\nnever gonna escape the past.", "I only wanted to help Klaus", "because I feel guilty about\nhow happy I am with you.", "Next.", "I find you so sexy,", "it just hurt that you\ndon't feel the same about me.", "I get turned on watching\nmyself do the news during sex.", "Oh.", "Well, that's cool.", "Look at that, no legal documents needed.", "Just honesty and vulnerability.", "That's love.", "You see, I once loved someone,", "only I didn't say it enough.", "Now I wish I could say it every day.", "Hell, I don't care if it's crazy,", "I'm doing it.", "Hello, Darlene?", "Put Tugboat on the line.", "Hey, buddy.", "Hey, it's the man.", "And for a moment,", "all felt right with the world.", "But that very night,", "the Autumn of Breakups would\nclaim its first victims.", "wish you a very\nsafe and pleasant evening.", "Good night.", "Good night.", "Good night.", "Good night.", "Gute Nacht.", "And you too, my babies.", "Oh, danke for the sweet eye kisses.", "Ow.", "After you, sir.", "Ladies first.", "I insist.", "I insist.", "I'm not throwing mine out first.\n- I'm not throwing mine out first.", "You've slept with half\nthe women in New York.", "I'm the one who needs a prenup.", "You duped me out of\nthousands of dollars.", "I'm the one who needs a prenup.", "I just thought of\nsome more stuff to add.", "I'm not half finished.", "Let's dive in.", "It should be simpler\nthan this, shouldn't it?", "Yeah.", "Maybe it should be.", "Barney, do you trust me?", "No.", "Do you trust me?", "No.", "If we really need\nsomething this complicated", "to get married...", "Yeah.", "# I was anxious to be found #", "# You can always go home #", "# To the safety of your cloud. #", "I'm sorry, buddy.", "Hey, there's always wives\ntwo through eight.", "They sounded pretty hot in your fantasy.", "All but wife seven.", "She was just there 'cause\nher dad was rich.", "Actually, I'm okay.", "I found out I'll never trust\nsomeone enough to get married,", "and that's fine.", "My single life is, and always will be,", "legen... wait for it...", "dary!", "My wedding is gonna be legendary.", "So, prenup?", "Not this time.", "Oh, hey you. Ready for lunch?", "Totally.", "Mmm.", "Thanks.", "See, Tugboat?", "That's love.", "Yeah.", "Okay, you see, Ludwig has started\nto polish the doorknobs,", "but Wilhelm has already\ncompleted this chore.", "Yeah.", "Ahh...", "You know,", "it's big comedy,", "but you also really\ncare about these characters.", "Wilhelm!"], "How I Met Your Mother S08E03 Nannies": ["Kids, October of 2012 kicked off", "The Autumn of Breakups.", "And Barney, having broken\nhis engagement with Quinn,", "was slowly trying to\npick himself back up.", "Welcome to Bangtoberfest!", "Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt!", "I'm back!", "Have a Bangtoberfest T\n- shirt!", "I'm single again!", "Sorry about your eye!", "I'm available!", "\"Bangtoberfest:", "This Time It's Really Not Personal\".", "Barney, you just went through", "some really big emotional stuff.", "You need to give\nyourself some time to heal.", "Robin, I spent seven grand on merch.", "This is happening.", "Hey.", "Hey.\n- Hi, Marshall.", "So, Lily's dad just showed up", "two days ago unannounced.", "Remember when I bought all those", "Mexican fireworks so I'd never", "have to buy Christmas presents again?", "Oh, God, you blew up the house.", "Blew up the house?", "Oh, no.", "Nothing like that, no.", "No, the fireworks blew up the garage.", "The house burned down.", "Holy frijoles, do I smell brownies?", "We covered that fire on the news.", "I had no idea \"naked\nman runs back into inferno", "to rescue potato salad\" was Mickey.", "My hour's up. Your turn, Marshall.", "Oh, no.", "Baby Marvin, did you just go poo-poo?", "Craziest thing.", "He just went poo-poo this very second.", "Are you sure this", "poo-poo didn't happen on your watch", "and you just ran out the\nclock until it was my problem?", "Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right.", "What kind of mother lets\nher son sit in his own filth", "for an extra nine\nminutes and 42 seconds?", "I got my eye on you, Aldrin.", "It's watering right\nnow, but I got my eye on you.", "I can't believe I have to go", "back to work on Monday and we\nstill haven't found a nanny.", "Well, if Grandpa Mickey's\nthere, couldn't he just...", "Are you kidding?", "My dad was never there\nfor me when I was a kid.", "And when he was...", "What's wrong, Daddy?", "Oh, Daddy can't pick a\nhorse to save his freakin' life.", "All I need is just one lucky number.", "Hey, when's your birthday?", "Today.", "Well...", "We've got to find a nanny, and\nmy dad's definitely not it.", "Well... and this\ndoesn't solve your nanny problem,", "but if you're in need of a babysitter,", "Nick and I could do it.", "We're really clicking as a couple.", "Um, if any couple is\nclicking these days,", "it's me and Victoria.", "Do you think that you and Victoria", "are clicking more than me and Nick?", "Do you think you and Nick are...", "Oh, that's precious.", "Kids, when you're in a new relationship", "and you're competing with\nyour ex for who's happier,", "it can get ugly.", "Anyway, I should get going.", "I have to go get a key made for Nick.", "For my apartment.", "Ha-burn.", "Hey, maybe the\nlocksmith who made the key", "I gave to Victoria will give you a deal.", "Oh, wait, he won't remember me.", "It was three weeks ago.", "Ha-double burn.", "Nick signed for a\npackage when I wasn't there.", "Victoria keeps tampons at my apartment.", "Damn it!", "The next day, Lily and Marshall's", "nanny search hit pay dirt.", "Mr. and Mrs. Eriksen,", "I promise to create a\nsafe, nurturing environment", "full of learning, laughter and love.", "So that even when", "we have to eat lima beans", "or we get a boo-boo on our knee,", "we know everything will be just fine.", "And do you know why?", "Because you're an\nangel sent from heaven?", "I want to bury my head in\nthe safety of your bosom.", "Because Mrs. Buckminster is here.", "The search is over.", "Mrs. Buckminster, we\njust need to know your salary.", "Oh, delightful!", "Well, my weekly fee is...", "There, there.", "I'm sure you'll find\nsomeone you like just as much.", "No, we won't!", "Not like you!", "Hey, Robin, can I borrow a stamp?", "Oh, wait, this wedding reply\ncard already has one.", "Why, you ask?", "Victoria and I are\nRSVPing to a wedding...", "in Jamaica...", "six months from now.", "Ha-triple burn.", "Oh.", "Jamaica.\n- Yeah.", "That's an island, right?", "Depends where you're going with this.", "All the way to the island of Hawaii.", "Why, you ask?", "Well, I was invited", "to spend New Year's there...", "last night when I met Nick's parents.", "Ha-aloha burn.", "Have you...", "met Victoria's parents, Ted?", "As a matter of fact, I haven't.", "Because they're dead.", "Are they, Ted?", "Are they really dead?", "No.", "Damn it!", "Bangtoberfest is a flop!", "I can't think of an innovative\nway to bang chicks", "that properly honors\nmy return to the game.", "Sure, I've tried some old reliables.", "Ten unpaid parking tickets?", "I suppose there is one\nway I could... \"get you off\".", "No!", "I've used that admittedly awesome\nline a thousand times.", "You're better than this, Barney!", "Well, the evidence is\npretty incriminating, but...", "I suppose there is one\nway I could \"get you off\".", "Damn it! What?", "Bangtoberfest is about innovation,", "about ideas.", "Bangtoberfest used to mean something.", "You just made it up yesterday.", "Enough questions.", "I need time to think!", "So, how's the nanny search going, Lil?", "Lousy.", "Mrs. Buckminster was\na spoonful of sugar.", "But so far, everyone we\ncan afford on this Web site", "HeyNannyNanny.com is Scary Poppins.", "But Lily and Marshall needed a nanny,", "so they forged ahead with their search.", "So, zero experience as a nanny?", "Right. But in rehab, I\nwas in charge of the cats.", "And only two died, so I figured...", "I'm available.", "How do you feel about spanking?", "For eight bucks an hour, you\ncan do whatever you want to me.", "I'm available.", "Dad, we know.", "I wasn't talking to you.", "Finally, they met Julie Jorgensen.", "You're from St. Cloud, Minnesota?", "I'm from St. Cloud.", "Really? Oh, you must\nknow my dad, George Jorgensen?", "Of course.", "George Jorgensen's Organs.", "Last year, my\nbrother joined the business.", "Really? Who knew that Morgan Jorgensen\nwould go into organs?", "Anyway, Julie...", "Is it still called George\nJorgensen's Organs", "or did they change it to George\nJorgensen and Son Organs?", "They changed it to George and\nMorgan Jorgensen's Organs.", "Guess whose idea that was?", "Morgan's. Morgan's.", "They just opened a\nnew shop out of state.", "Oh, yeah? Where?\n- Oregon.", "What's that one called?", "Piano Town.", "Well, you have experience,", "and I think it's safe to say you\nhave my husband's approval.", "What's your salary?", "Oh... it's right there.", "Julie, we would love for\nyou to be our nanny.", "Oh, thank you so much.", "Um, I just have one\nlast interview today,", "but to be honest, I can't imagine", "liking anyone more than I like you guys.", "Oh...", "Okay, bye.", "Bye.", "Yay.", "Well, she was a total bitch.", "That night, Lily and\nMarshall called Julie", "hoping she'd accept the job.", "I'm so sorry, I can't.", "Don't tell us you took the other job.", "No, I didn't. I'm not\ntaking any nanny job.", "I don't understand.", "The most amazing thing happened", "at my next interview after you guys.", "I fell in love with a single dad", "who turns out to be a billionaire.", "Tomorrow, we're heading off\nto Paris in his private jet.", "It's gonna be, as he would\nsay, legend... wait for it...", "Barney!", "Ix-nay on the\neal-ray ame-nay.", "Mr. and Mrs. Eriksen?", "You son of a...", "itch-bay!", "Look, Barney's our\nfriend, for some reason,", "and everything he told you was a lie.", "But the good news is", "you're free to come work for us.", "I'm sorry, I can't nanny for anyone", "who's friends with this monster.", "Look, I'd offer you guys coffee,", "but I have another nanny interview", "in about 15 minutes, so...", "why are you interviewing nannies?", "Glad you asked!", "You guys were all pressuring\nme to think of", "a revolutionary new way to\nget chicks for Bangtoberfest.", "And frankly, I was stumped.", "Until...", "So far, everyone we\ncan afford on this Web site", "HeyNannyNanny.com is Scary Poppins.", "And there it was.", "The Big Bro in the sky\nhad answered my prayers.", "Almighty-five.", "Ow.", "I'd introduce you to little Baby Edgar,", "but one, he's napping,", "and two, he doesn't exist.", "And these nannies are really\nfalling for this?", "Yeah, these toys don't\neven make sense for a baby.", "You've got an air rifle, you\ngot the exact race track", "with the double\nloopty-loop I had as a kid!", "Oh, can I open it, can\nI open it, can I open it?", "What about Baby Edgar's mom?", "Oh, that's a sad story.", "And in the end, the coroner's\nreport confirmed", "what I already feared:", "The female body cannot\nwithstand that many consecutive orgasms.", "I blame myself.", "Okay, does anybody have\nsix nine-volt batteries?", "Once I got the nannies all sympathetic,", "I had to check their qualifications.", "I'd like to see how\nyou handle bath time.", "Follow me to the tub.", "Should I get the baby?", "No.", "I'm just gonna take the batteries", "out of these smoke\ndetectors. Cool? Cool.", "Once the interview was\nover, I went in for the kill.", "You're perfect for the job.", "So, congratulations, you're hi...", "No.", "I can't do this.", "I find you very attractive,", "and it wouldn't be appropriate.", "It wouldn't be appropriate.", "It wouldn't be appropriate.", "I repeat... it would not be appropriate.", "It was like taking\ncandy from an imaginary baby!", "Barney, I just went\nfive months with no help,", "and interviewed 92 nannies\nbefore finding one we liked,", "and you ruined everything", "the night before I'm\nsupposed to go back to work?", "Thank you for being the\nmost immature person", "I have ever met.", "Marshall, let's go.", "Five more minutes!", "Now.", "I'll be right back.\n- Okay.", "Mm.\n- Mmm.", "Mm-hmm. Mmm.", "Mmm. -\nMm-hmm.", "Mmm!", "I'll miss you.", "Oh! Oh!", "Overcompensating a bit?", "Why would I need to overcompensate?", "I am...", "deliriously happy in\nmy perfect relationship.", "What about what I just\nwitnessed not two minutes ago?", "How can the Giants pass\non third and one?", "Honey, it's okay.", "It's the first quarter, and\nthe Browns are only up by three...", "Robin, I don't want you to fix this.", "I just want to feel heard.", "First of all, the Giants were smart", "not to run on my Dawg Pound defense.", "They suck, Ted.\n- I know.", "And two...", "there is no way that\nyou like being with a guy", "who's so emotional and needy.", "You want to dance, Mosby?", "Let's talk about yesterday.", "Hi! You guys, I'm so sorry I'm so late.", "I'm gonna run\nupstairs, change, I'll be back", "in five minutes.", "Take your time, sweetie.", "Victoria's a slob!", "Well, at least I'm not dating a girl.", "You know what I mean.", "Hey, you know what?", "I really appreciate how sensitive", "and in touch he is with his...", "God, who am I kidding?", "20 bucks says he is crying in\nthe ladies' room right now.", "Well, at least when he's\nfinished, he's gonna flush.", "So, just as Lily was\nabout to call in sick", "on her first day back to work...", "Good morning!", "Mrs. Buckminster, hold me\nand make everything okay!", "I mean... what are you doing here?", "A Mr. Stinson called the\nagency and offered to pay my salary.", "Wow. Really?", "It's a nice gesture,\nbut I'm still pissed.", "He also sent along this.", "Are the batteries...?", "Yes, the batteries are included, dear.", "Yes!", "Now, off to work, you two.", "Mr. Marvin and I are\ngoing to get acquainted.", "Great.", "I can't wait to hand him off", "and-and finally get some freedom.", "You deserve it. Now hand him over.", "Hand him over, yup.", "I'll just take little\nMarvin off your hands then.", "Take him off my hands.", "There he goes.", "Ready to receive him!", "I can't give Marvin to a stranger!", "Okay, somebody who's\nnot in the middle of a race", "should probably go talk to her.", "I'm sorry Mrs. Buckminster", "we've decided we're not\ngoing to use a nanny afterall.", "You're fired.", "Calm down.", "Lily, you're just nervous about spending", "your first day away from Marvin.", "That's perfectly normal.", "Oh, I am holding on to you forever.", "And when I die and I become a skeleton", "I'll still be holding you. Yes.", "Last night, Nick cried\nwhen I killed a spider.", "You should have brought that\nspider over to my house", "to feast on the ant colony", "breeding on Victoria's unwashed dishes.", "Whoa!", "Barney, what happened to you?", "It was a nightmare.", "I'm walking down the\nstreet, minding my own business,", "and I see one of the nannies", "that I interviewed, and I'm thinking,", "\"Maybe I can get her behind a Dumpster", "and interview her again\".", "But then...", "And then...", "They were everywhere.", "I was surrounded!", "Hey. Hi.", "Did you really think you\ncould get away with this?", "As a matter of fact, I did, yeah.", "Time for your nap!", "I woke up in a Dumpster", "covered in diapers.", "And I found a pacifier", "somewhere I'm not willing to discuss.", "What is wrong with me?", "You're still getting over Quinn.", "You can't just dive right\nback into single Barney mode.", "But I can't stop myself!", "I'm out of control!", "No, I'm not. I'm fine!", "Now,", "if you'll excuse me,", "that blonde at the bar\nlooks as loose as my rear molars.", "Stop me! Don't stop\nme! I'm fine. Help!", "Being single's great!", "You know, Victoria's messiness", "just forces me to grow as a cleaner.", "Totally. And without Nick,", "who's gonna hem my pants?", "To making these relationships last.", "Both relationships would\nimplode within the month.", "Hey, sweetie.", "Hey. Did you guys conk out?", "Yeah, I guess we did.", "What time is it?", "5:00.", "Wow. We slept all day!", "Quick question. Um,", "where's Marvin?", "Right here.", "Hey, gang. What's the big whoop?", "Marvin!", "Dad, what happened?", "Well, when I came back this\nmorning from my jog,", "Marshall was gone,", "and I couldn't find\nMrs. What's-her-face.", "And you two were sawing\nlogs, so I figured I'd lend a hand.", "Then, why did I wake up", "holding a monkey?", "Well, a little\nlater, I got kind of hungry.", "So I gave him a bath, and\nput his diaper rash ointment on,", "and fed him strained peas, not bananas,", "'cause he had bananas yesterday,", "and I did the laundry,", "finished my burrito,", "put him down for his nap at noon,", "sterilized the bottles, and\nthen we just went to the park.", "Okay.", "Wow. That's incredible.", "When did you get so good with kids?", "You know something,\nhoney, you don't remember this,", "but... for the first\nfew years of your life,", "your mom worked, and I\nwas a stay-at-home dad.", "I thought Grandma and\nGrandpa took care of me.", "Well, they visited a lot,", "but I was the guy who took care of you.", "You know, America thinks", "I ran into that burning\nhouse to get potato salad,", "but I actually ran in to\nget this photo album.", "And potato salad. Sure.", "Dad, I never realized you were...", "there for me.", "How come there are no pictures\nof me after I go to preschool?", "Well...", "Oh. Okay, well,", "have fun on your first\nday of preschool, Princess.", "Okay. Off you go.", "There you go.", "Ugh!", "How am I gonna make\nit to 3:00 without her?", "\"Belmont Race Track?\" Hmm.", "I guess it couldn't\nhurt to go just once.", "Six months later,", "guess what gambling addict's thumbs\nhad metal pins in them?", "This guy.", "Look, honey, I was a jerk", "who wasn't there for\nmost of your childhood,", "and I regret that every\nsingle day of my life.", "But I promise you,", "I'm here now for Marvin...", "if you want.", "You're hired.", "# I look up to you #", "# You don't look down on me #", "# What do you see in me? #", "# Is it oceans of blue? #", "# How do you make the colors say #", "# In a thousand crazy ways #", "# That in the end #", "# Most things will be okay... #", "Ten parking tickets, huh?", "I suppose there is a way I could...", "\"get you off\".", "Why did I ever doubt a classic?", "Now, now, now.", "This is exactly the sort of behavior", "you hired me to put\nan end to, Mr. Stinson.", "Off with you, dear.", "Go make better decisions!", "You're right.", "Thanks, Mrs. Buckminster.", "You're welcome.", "And I'm proud of you\nfor trying to change.", "What you're doing", "with these young women", "is simply not appropriate.", "That can never happen again.", "Oh, pish-posh. You said\nthat five times ago."], "How I Met Your Mother S08E04 Who Wants to be a Godparent": ["Kids, once your Uncle\nMarshall and Aunt Lily", "found a nanny for baby Marvin,", "they were excited", "for their first night\nout together in five months.", "And so were we.", "Mama.", "Dada.", "Hi, gang.", "Ooh.", "Ah, so, now that there's no", "screaming baby to distract us,", "what have you guys been up to lately?\n- Yeah.", "This was a surprisingly loaded question.", "You see, right after Marvin was born,", "Lily and Marshall had issued a decree.", "you can't come to us with any issue", "unless it's an eight or higher.", "And we were doing our best to abide.", "Ted, how are things", "going with Victoria?", "My dad made the funniest joke.", "He said that since you're the\nreason I left the wedding,", "you owe him the $70,000 he paid for it,", "or else.", "You know, he's not usually\nfunny like that.", "Not promising, but not an eight.", "Everything's great.", "And Robin, how's everything with Nick?", "Finally ready for a ride on the bike?", "Who? Me?", "Let's ride, Big Daddy.", "Oh, yeah.", "Mama likey.", "Robin, over here.\n- Ooh.", "Eco-friendly.", "She runs on corn.", "Totally lady bone\nkiller, but not an eight.", "Everything's great.", "And how are things for\nthe old Barnacle?", "Not an eight.", "At best, she was a six, six and a half.", "More like a four by the\ntime I was done with her.", "Mental self-five.", "Everything's great.", "To long-awaited MacLaren's\nreturn of Marshall and Lily.", "Mmm.", "I've missed this. Okay. We got to go.", "W\n- what? You just got here.", "I cleared my whole night for you guys.", "I didn't even bring\nmy booty-call phone.", "Oh, I'm sorry, but we just really", "need some time to ourselves.", "I promise we'll hang out soon.", "See you guys.\n- Bye.", "# Booty, booty, booty, booty\nrocking everywhere #", "# Booty, booty, booty,\nbooty rocking everywhere #", "# Booty, booty, booty, booty #", "Yeah, like I'm going\nto leave this at home.", "Barney Stinson. How\nmay I direct my penis?", "Oh, geez.", "It is so nice to be\nout in the fresh air.", "You smell that?\n- Ooh.", "That's the smell of\nurine that isn't Marvin's.", "Oh, God, I miss that smell.", "You know, I thought we'd\nspend the whole time", "worrying about Marvin, but\nit's actually nice to be out", "in the world, living life.", "Yeah.", "Death is all around us.", "Wow, that urine smell just\ngot a lot stronger.", "So, you guys spent", "your first night out in five months,", "sitting at home\nplanning for your own deaths?", "Yeah, we found this Web\nsite that helps you make a will.", "In the event of your death...\n- Ooh!", "I'm sorry.", "It-it's just-just real\nsad to think about.", "Oh, I know.", "All right.", "In the event of your death...", "Okay, no, you know what?", "Let's just start with something easy.", "Okay.\n- Okay?", "Please enter your zip code.", "We'll never get mail again.", "I keep reassuring Lily that\nthis is all hypothetical.", "Relatively speaking, New\nYork City is very safe.", "Please, faulty elevators,\nexploding man hole covers,", "jealous husbands.\n- Mmm.", "This place is a coroner's paradise.", "Ooh!", "They are way more likely to\neat it in a mugging gone wrong.", "There was a double hommy on\nyour block like a week ago.", "Caught it on the scanner during lunch.", "Knife job.", "Guy made a real mess of it too.", "Anyway,", "then we got to the\nsection about picking a guardian.", "Sometimes couples choose one of\ntheir parents as a guardian.", "That makes it simple.", "My mom.", "Your mom?", "What's wrong with my mom?", "Are you...", "Fine. All right.", "Marvin won't go to my loving mother.", "But he's got to go to somebody.", "Fine.", "What about my mom?", "Your mom?", "Um, excuse...", "Fine.", "Not my mom.", "What about my dad?", "Your dad?", "Okay, yeah, he's out.", "Wait a minute. You\nknow who could be good?", "My brother Marcus.", "He's like a great dad.", "Do you remember his Christmas card?", "Questionable denim choices\naside, Marcus is a good dad.", "I guess if Marvin has to go to\nanyone, it should be family.", "Okay, great.", "Okay.", "Marcus, hey, how's it going?", "Pretty freaking sweet, buttwipe.", "I packed up all my crap, I\nsaid, \"See ya\" to Sarah and the kids,", "And I finally got my dream job", "as a mixologist down\nhere at Carnalism 2.", "Hold on.", "Some punk's trying to use his\nsnorkel rental as a bong.", "Hey!", "You be packin' that bowl too tight, mon.", "So, now we don't have a guardian.", "You know, as your best friend,", "if called upon, I'd be\nhonored to raise Marvin.", "If you want him to be raised by\nhis underwear on a flagpole,", "Ted's your guy.", "If you want him pulling the chord", "on some other nerd's panties,", "I'm your guy.", "I'll teach that kid how to be awesome", "in ways you and Lily never could.", "It's going to be legend...", "wait for it, no, I won't wait for it", "and neither should little baby Marvin,", "so maybe it's better if you\ntwo just die right now...", "dary.", "And so began the longest\nweek of Lily and Marshall's lives.", "# Bro McDonald had a\nfarm, E- I-E-I-bro #", "# And on that farm he had some chicks #", "# E-I-E-I-bro #", "# With a hot chick here\nand a dumb chick there... #", "# Bro, bro, bro your broat #", "# Gently to the bar #", "# Hit on sluts, then\ndo ten shots and... #", "# The boobs on the bus go up and down #", "# Up and down, up and down #", "# The boobs on the bus go up and down #", "# All through the town. #", "What?", "You think you can bribe\nthem with a stroller?", "They already got one, foo.", "Oh, this is no stroller, Robin.", "I call it the Broller.", "Go ahead. Look inside.", "I don't get it. I don't see anything.", "Yeah, but Papa does.", "Those Robin's boobies?", "When new nubile hotties lean\nin to inspect your bundle of joy,", "you can inspect their bundles of joy.", "The Broller.", "God, I come up with a lot of good stuff.", "Hey, guys, hey...", "Hey.", "Lily and I need you to come upstairs.", "This is an important decision", "and we can't have you constantly\ninterrupting us", "with this childish competition.", "Which is why we're going to make it", "an official competition!", "We're going to play Who\nWants to Be a Godparent?", "Right after this word from our sponsors.", "Why is he talking to the wall?", "Wait, this is how you're going to\nchoose a guardian for Marvin?", "I mean, why don't you just put us", "in a three-way cage match and go\nwith whoever's left standing?", "We talked about that, but it gave\nRobin an unfair advantage.", "Yeah, you see, guys, we were", "really struggling with this decision.", "# All through the town. #", "Babe, I know these guys have been", "a little over the top lately.\n- A little?", "But we still have to\npick a guardian just in case.", "In case of what?", "Don't make me say it.", "Say it. I can handle it.", "Say it.", "In case we die.", "How can you even say it?", "And then I thought what do you do", "if you got a wife who won't stop crying,", "three idiots who won't stop bribing you,", "and a universally\nbeloved skill for gamesmanship?", "You take a bunch of\nguardianship scenarios,", "throw them on a wheel, buy\nyour wife an expensive dress", "so she'll participate.", "I'm pretty again.", "Bottom line is I just wanted", "to make the idea of me and Lily dying...", "Oh.\n- fun.", "Now, if you'll step behind your\npodiums, we'll get started.", "Contestants,", "here's how the game works.", "Lily will spin that wheel. Not yet.", "When it lands on a parenting issue,", "you'll each describe how you\nwould handle it with Marvin.", "The contestant with the\nhighest score gets to be", "his godparent.", "Ready to play? Great. Lily,", "spin that wheel!", "Okay, now, see...\nenthusiasm will factor into your scores.", "So, I say again:", "Lily, spin...", "Spin that wheel!", "Ooh.", "Our demise.", "Barney, how would you", "explain to little Marvin why\nwe're not around anymore?", "No.", "Easy, all I'd have to\ndo is change a few words", "to one of my classics with the ladies.", "The President of the World\nhas called your parents away", "on a super-secret space mission.", "For the sake of the planet, you\nwill never see them again.", "Now pick up your toys and\nsay good night to Daddy.", "What do you know? That\nlast line stays the same.", "Judges?", "Okay, Robin,", "what would you do, and remember,", "\"President of the\nWorld called parents away", "for a super-secret space mission\"\nhas already been taken.", "Well, my dad was always\nupfront and honest with me,", "so that's how I would be.", "All right, kid, here's\nthe deal with the deal.", "Your mom and dad are done-ski.", "Belly-flopped off a subway platform.", "Mom busted open like a pi\u00f1ata.", "What was left of your dad\nhung around for a few days.", "Anyway, plug's pulled. Organs donated.", "I'm your new mommy now.", "Sah-wish!", "Well, I was saving\nthese for the showcase,", "but here. Hey, Lily, look, baby,", "his-and-her\nwatches. - Ooh.", "Ted, the category's all yours.", "Okay, here's what I would say.", "Well, Marvin,\nexplaining where your parents are", "isn't gonna be easy.", "Even I... Lily and\nMarshall's best friend", "for almost 20 years...", "will have a hard time doing it.", "But I do know a guy who's\nvery good at this sort of thing.", "Professor Infosaurus!", "Hey, there, squirt!", "Death is a difficult yet\nunfortunate certainty.", "Good enough! Ted wins the round!", "Yes! Yes! You'll see.", "Professor Infosaurus will be\na big, big hit with children.", "Isn't that right, kids?", "Moving on.", "\"Discipline\".", "\"How would you handle Marvin", "taking another kid's toy?\" Barney?", "That's easy.", "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm\ncalling Child Services.", "Wait for it.", "I'll return your\n$1,900 alligator-skin belt", "when you return that toy.", "Until then, you can wear this disgusting", "black-and-brown\nreversible belt.", "Hey, I don't like it\nany more than you do!", "Ted, how would you\ndiscipline little Marvin?", "I would be firm.", "Fair, but firm.", "You, sir, just lost your\ntelevision privileges.", "Okay, you can watch\nTV, but nothing violent.", "Okay, it can be violent,", "but you have to do the dishes first.", "Okay, I'll do the dishes, you watch TV.", "Let's go get some ice cream! Come on!", "But no sprinkles.", "Robin?", "Okay, sprinkles.", "Tough love.", "You know where you're headed, chief?", "The British Columbia Military\nSchool for Boys.", "Of course, you're actually a boy,\nso at least you won't have", "to shave off all your hair\nand burn your \"girlie\" clothing in", "an old oil drum while your\nfather stands there", "and laughs at you through the flames!", "Oh, my God!", "I think that Robin wins this round", "because we love her and she's\nin a safe space, right, guys?", "Robin matters!", "Yay! Totally.", "Now, that's just one point, right?", "Lily.", "A spin... that... wheel!", "Oh...", "\"Birds and Bees\".", "Barney, \"How would\nyou teach young Marvin", "about the facts of life?\"", "Hmm...", "You're gonna love Amsterdam, little bro.", "Okay, Barney's out of this round.", "Ted, how would you handle \"the talk\"?", "Well, Marvin would be a young adult,", "so you wouldn't\nwant to talk down to him.", "But that doesn't mean you\ncan't get down with him.", "# When two adults wish to procreate #", "# They lay together and copulate #", "# Male gametes, spermatozoa #", "# Implant themselves\nin the ladies' ova! #", "# Break it down! #", "I'm sorry, don't you need", "to actually have had\nsex in order to explain it?", "Professor Infosaurus also\nhas a rap about ignoring bullies.", "Robin? Birds and bees?", "Well, I, for one, don't think", "you have to teach Marvin a thing.", "If he's anything like his\ndad, he's a natural-born stud.", "Lily got a little braggy", "at a cucumber stand once, big guy.", "Robin wins again!", "Oh, come on! That's clearly pandering!", "A spin...", "that... wheel!", "We played long into the night,", "eventually making it to the dreaded...", "Lightning round!", "First word!", "Beam.", "Actually, that's a joist,", "which carries the stress of the ceiling", "versus the primary architectural load.", "But that's my boy!", "Ooh.", "Nerd!", "That's my boy!", "First heartbreak!", "I know this hurts, little buddy,", "but you'll love again someday,", "because time will heal a broken heart.", "But not that bitch's window.", "Run!", "Yeah, right.", "I've seen Barney throw.", "He's no Vinnie Pestano, am I right?", "Beloved Indians' middle reliever.", "Cleveland sports are still relevant.", "LeBron who? Right, guys?", "Ted, neither you nor Cleveland", "knows how to get\nover someone leaving them.", "Here's how you'd handle heartbreak.", "Cheer up, squirt.", "There are plenty of other\nwonderful women out there.", "But I thought that she was the one.", "I'll be at Uncle Barney's.", "This is ridiculous.", "I've known you for 16 years.", "I'm the obvious choice.", "Oh, come on, if Ted raises him,", "the poor kid's still\ngonna be a virgin when he's 13.", "I'm the obvious choice. Hey,\nlook, as the only one of us", "packing a vag, I got a natural instinct", "for nurturing and crap like that.", "Plus, I can teach him how to bow hunt.", "Yeah, I could do that.\n- I am Barney Stinson!", "Guys, guys, guys!", "Okay! All right!", "Obviously, none of you\nknows what it really means", "to be a parent.", "Well... obviously, neither of you", "know what it means to\nbe a friend anymore.", "What are you talking about?", "Think about it.", "This is the most we've seen you two", "in five months.", "You don't seem to care", "what's going on in our lives", "unless it's an eight or higher.", "Well, what do you expect?", "We have a baby now.\n- Yeah.", "The days of closing\ndown MacLaren's are over.", "Unless you want", "to get up with us at 5:13 in the morning", "with a screaming baby.", "So that's it?", "The... the end of an\nera, just like that?", "Look... we're sorry if-if\nwe don't have time", "to sit around the bar listening\nto silly little dating problems.", "When you have", "a baby, it's not just the\nmost important thing in your life,", "it's the only important thing.", "When are you guys gonna get that?", "Think we get it.", "I can't believe they just walked out.", "Yeah. Maybe it's for the best.", "Barney was starting to pull ahead.", "I mean, how selfish can they be?", "We're trying to raise a child here.", "I'm sorry if I don't have\ntime to deal with Ted's...", "or Robin's...", "or Barney's...", "You know, we were about to\nname one of them Marvin's godparent,", "and... I can't tell you", "what's going on in any of their lives.", "Do you think that maybe", "we've been a little\ncrappy as friends lately?", "Do you really know how to bow hunt?", "Um, yeah.", "At the British Columbia\nMilitary School for Boys", "we called it \"making lunch\".", "Hey, guys.", "We asked Mickey to watch Marvin", "so we could come down and talk.", "I know that we didn't\nget to finish the game, but...", "we've reached a decision.", "Lily?", "We've decided...", "to revoke the \"eight or higher\" rule.", "What?", "We want to know everything", "that's going on with you guys.", "Really?", "You're our best friends.", "Everything is an eight or higher.", "And for the first\ntime in almost half a year,", "Lily and Marshall closed\ndown MacLaren's.", "Anyway,", "Victoria's dad and I are\nworking out a payment plan", "with a very reasonable interest rate.", "At least, Nick's cycle", "is\nfuel-efficient... we're getting, like,", "30, 35 miles to the cob.", "Really?\n- Yeah.", "You know, I should've", "told you about that six\nand a half sooner.", "Barney Stinson banging anything\nless than an eight?", "That's like a 15.", "And it was a great night.", "Until...", "Go back to bed.", "We got this.", "And Lily and Marshall finally decided", "on a guardian.", "Are you sure about this, baby?\n- Yes.", "No matter what happens, I\nwant Marvin to stay in the family.", "Oh...", "Is that a bowling ball in a onesie?", "Run!"], "How I Met Your Mother S08E05 The Autumn of Breakups": ["Kids, it's no secret your Uncle\nBarney is a bit of a dog,", "and even though he loved\nme, I think he always wanted", "a wingman who was a bit of a dog, too.", "And in the fall of 2012...", "he found one.", "Respect.", "Hey, guys, thanks again for\na great night last night.", "I say again,", "great night.", "Ted, honey, it was not a great night.", "Ted,", "Lily and I noticed some\nthings last night.", "Hey, Ted, can you pass me a cracker?", "Yeah.\n- It's the least you can do,", "considering I left a\nguy at the altar for you.", "Right, right?", "Oh, come on, that was a joke.", "Women over 30 don't joke when\nit comes to commitment.", "Victoria is happy we're\ntaking things slow.", "Oh, oh, honeysweetiebaby,", "no 32-year-old\nwoman", "is happy taking things slow.", "Mm.", "Trust me, Victoria has\ngot friends from high school", "posting pictures of\nsecond babies on Facebook.", "Mm-hmm.", "And you think girlfriend's", "all like, \"Oh, let's just bone a bunch", "so I'm another year\nolder and still single\"?", "Bitch, please.\n- Mm.", "Guys, I've got a new bro...", "a bro that puts all other bros to shame.", "The bitches love him.", "He buries bones all day.", "Whoo!", "No one chases tail like him.", "Why aren't you guys laughing?", "Oh, wait, I probably should\nhave led with this:", "He's a dog.", "I've named him", "Brover.", "I'll go...", "fetch him.", "Okay, I'm worried about Barney.", "That breakup with Quinn\nmessed him up more than he let on.", "I think he's lonely.", "Dude seems fine to me.", "I love you so much, Brover.", "Seriously, based on last night,", "you and Victoria are headed for trouble.", "So I got this kind\nof interesting job offer", "to run a bakery in Denver.", "But that's too crazy, though, right?", "Right?", "Uh, yeah.", "The high altitude would\naffect the density of the pastries.", "I mean,", "talk about half-baked.", "Man, this is a great night.", "That was Victoria asking\nyou to move to Denver with her.", "What?", "Then, why wouldn't she\njust come right out", "and say what she wants?", "Men.", "It's like, if there\nweren't pickle jars to open", "and spiders to kill", "and computers to back up,\nwhat would be their point?", "Mm-hmm.", "Okay, when did Marshall\nbecome a slightly more feminine you?", "Look, Ted, it gets\nexhausting constantly giving people", "advice they haven't asked\nfor, so I'm training Marshall.", "My goal is to eventually say things", "that are so sassy and wise,", "that there is no possible response", "other than \"mm\" or \"mm-hmm\".", "And if this is a place\nwhere we can share our dreams...", "I like to think that it is...", "I hope someday to earn a...", "\"testify\".", "Look, Victoria and I are five months in", "and we're right where we should be.", "All right, we-we're\ncosigning birthday cards,", "w\n- we got toothbrushes at each other's places,", "foreplay's out the window.", "I'm in, I'm out, I'm\nsleeping, it's great.", "It's more than five months.", "You guys dated before, that time counts.", "The clock doesn't reset to zero.", "It un-pauses from where you left off.", "No way,", "no way, the clock resets.", "Wait, so this is what you guys do?", "You invite other couples over for dinner", "to judge them and feel superior?", "Oh, grow up, Ted,", "that's why any couple invites\nanyone over ever.", "Two Scotches, both neat,", "and if you've got some...\nnuts, this guy lost a couple.", "Ha-ha.", "Take the hit, just take the hit.", "Okay, this is a cry for help.", "Can we invite Barney\nover for dinner tonight?", "But I was going to make\nyou a special meal to celebrate", "my show getting nominated for\na Local Area Media Award.", "Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention,", "Nick had a cable access cooking show.", "Chef Nick Podarutti uses", "all fresh, locally grown ingredients,", "but don't think for a second", "that means he's not a bad boy.", "She runs on corn.", "# Nick the Bad Boy", "# Chef...", "I'm gonna invite him over for dinner.", "Okay, fine, but you'd\nbetter make sure he has a ticket.", "'Cause it's all\naboard the Chow-Chow Train!", "Honey, I know it's hard coming up", "with a signature cooking catchphrase,", "but I don't think that's it.", "I know, but how do you\ncompete with \"Bam!\"?", "It just says it all.", "Hey, you.", "Hey, can I ask you something?", "Um, Lily and Marshall think", "I'm missing all these\nhints you're dropping", "that you want a deeper commitment.", "I mean, you'd just come right\nout and tell me, right?", "Totally.", "I think I can be a little\nbit more direct than that.", "Thank you.", "Oh, hey, I was\ncleaning my apartment today", "and I dug this up.", "Should I keep", "this wedding dress, or do you think", "I'll never, ever need it again?", "So Lily and Marshall were right?", "Of course they're right.", "When a girl jumps in\nyour car in a wedding dress,", "you can't act surprised to find out", "she wants to get married.", "Besides, we dated\nbefore, and that time counts.", "We just hit pause on the clock.", "See, a lot of really smart people", "would argue the clock resets.", "It un-pauses, everybody knows that.", "You know, Barney's a little late.", "I hope he's okay.", "Ah, he's fine, and I still don't think", "he's crying out for help.", "Well...", "Sorry we're late.", "We just came from the tailor.", "Brover couldn't settle on a\ntie, so I just bought them all.", "You say no to that face.", "There's a reason that you're not", "a hundred percent in this with me, Ted.", "Something's holding us back.", "Well, what is it?", "I think we've established I'm not great", "at picking up on\nclues... well, in this situation.", "As a kid, I was known as\na bit of a detective.", "In fact, when my\nfriend's retainer went missing,", "the Mosby Boys were put\non the case, and it was...", "The retainer was in the garbage.", "The Mosby Boys were you, your sister,", "and a neighborhood\nsquirrel you thought you had tamed.", "I can't believe Squirrel-lock\nHolmes turned on us like that.", "Eight weeks of training down the drain.", "You know how I know that, Ted?", "Because we covered it in\nthe \"getting to know you\" part", "of the relationship six years ago.", "Six years.", "Then... what's holding us back?", "Call in the Mosby Boys, Ted,", "let me know if they crack the case.", "Guys,", "Brover is not only the\nbest bro I've ever had,", "he's amazing with the ladies.", "I'm sorry, don't you\nthink it's a little pathetic", "to use a dog to pick up chicks?", "Sir, wingmanship is a two-way street.", "If Brover meets a\ncutie, I'll take the hit", "and chat up the chubby lady friend.", "Sometimes I'll be the jerk...", "so Brover can swoop\nin and be the hero.", "And like any good wingman,", "I gather as much intel\nas I can right up front.", "How old's your dog?", "She's five.\n- Oh.", "What's that in dog years?", "Like, 35.", "We're done here.", "Well, you were right.", "Victoria says\nsomething's holding us back,", "and I don't have any idea what it is.", "Any brilliant insights, Oprah?", "Steadman?", "Um, try Gayle.", "Marshall, I want you to take this one.", "You're ready.", "Oh, I don't know.", "Although I do hear this\nlittle voice in the back of my head", "trying to tell me something.", "That's your inner goddess.", "Listen to her, channel her.", "If Victoria quenches your", "thirst like a tall glass", "of sweet tea on a hot July day...", "Marshall, why is she Southern?", "Don't let him break the connection.", "well, you got to make", "an honest woman out of her.", "Okay, I'm leaving.", "But, but,", "if not, well, then, sugar...", "you got to let that nightingale", "spread her wings and soar", "to her own beautiful tomorrow.", "Testify.", "You guys are the worst.", "Where am I?", "Sorry.", "Uh, go for Barney.", "Uh-huh.", "I see.", "Totally understood.", "I'll do that.", "Great.", "Thank you.", "That was Brover's owner.", "I guess, while she was", "out of town, he ran\naway from his kennel,", "and now that she's\nback, I have to return him.", "Oh, Barney, I'm so sorry.", "Oh, it's all good.", "Um, excuse me for one moment.", "Hey, Barney.", "No, no. No, no!", "Oh.", "Wha...", "Victoria.", "Will you marry me?", "Yes, of course.", "There's just one thing.", "Anything. You name it.", "You can't be friends with Robin.", "You won't marry me if I'm\nstill friends with Robin?", "Wait. She's the thing\nthat's been holding us back?", "There-There's just\ntoo much history there.", "I mean, Robin's the\nreason that we broke up", "the first time\naround. Robin's our roadblock.", "Robin's the deep, dark pit", "where our relationship goes to die.", "But nicest girl in the\nworld. Salt of the earth.", "But she's with Nick now.", "I mean, sure, his cooking show is lousy", "with awkward catchphrase attempts.", "Oh, my gosh, who's ready to nosh?", "Who's popping a chub for some grub?", "I offer my deepest apologies", "to anyone who was offended by\nmy \"popping a chub\" remark.", "I can and will do better.", "Won't happen again.", "And now who's ready to eat my meat?", "Oh, come on.", "But Robin's happy with Nick,", "and I'm happy with you.", "Look, I,", "I just asked you to be my wife.", "Isn't that proof there's\nnothing between me and Robin?", "Well, maybe today there isn't,", "but what about tomorrow?", "Or next week or 15 years from now?", "I'll always be wondering.", "I never wanted to be that girl who says", "it's Robin or it's me,", "but, well...", "It's Robin or it's you.", "You've been a hell of a wingman.", "And even though I\nthink it's kind of gross", "when you pleasure yourself orally,", "don't ever think", "that means I'm not impressed.", "Hey...", "do you think that Barney's gonna be okay", "bringing Brover back?", "Yeah, he'll be fine.", "It's not just the ability", "to go to town on yourself,", "but you do it with such joie de vivre.", "I really think that\nI should go with him.", "No, but you got to eat these cr\u00eapes", "as soon as they're flamb\u00e9ed.", "They're gonna be bon appe-sweet!", "No.\n- Damn.", "We'll work on it when I get back.", "No, I get it. You know,", "I only spent all night working on these,", "but, hey, Barney's more important.", "Nick...\n- It's fine. Go.", "Anyway, let's not make a big deal of it.", "We hung out for a few days,", "had some fun...", "No big woof.", "I don't know who I am without you.", "This is crazy.", "Victoria is being\ncompletely unreasonable about Robin,", "and my snap sister is gonna back me up.", "I say again...", "I kind of see Victoria's point.", "Come again for Ms. Fudge?", "Ted and Robin have so much history.", "Exactly. History. Ancient history.", "Ted, you said \"I love\nyou\" to her earlier this year.", "I'm not saying", "this is fair, but I get it.", "I didn't get that at all.", "How could my inner\ngoddess be so far off?", "Oh, you'll get there, honey.", "Oprah wasn't built in a day.", "What?", "I kind of went rogue.", "Look, if you really want to have a baby,", "just stop taking the pill.", "You guys slept together at spring break", "three years ago.", "That means something.", "Loves show tunes,", "total shopaholic,", "not always pestering you for sex?", "Um, Clifford sounds like a keeper.", "Marshall, all of that\nadvice was terrible.", "Not as terrible as you saying", "that Ted and Robin should\nstop being friends.", "I'm not saying they\nshould. It would be horrible.", "But if Ted really\nwants to be with Victoria...", "Ted, tell her", "that you're not gonna stop\nbeing friends with Robin.", "I can't imagine life without Robin.", "But she'll never be in love with me.", "She'll never be my wife.", "She'll never be the person\nI grow old with.", "Victoria...", "Victoria could be.", "Are you saying what I\nthink you're saying?", "You ready to say good-bye?", "Thanks for coming with me.", "Oh, well, you did the same for me", "back when I had to give\naway all my dogs. Remember?", "Oh, yeah, we drove to\nyour aunt's farm upstate.", "She was awesome.", "Yeah.\n- I love how she was this", "wise, old, chilled out,", "lesbian farmer.", "No, no, no. She's not a lesbian.", "Nor does she farm them.", "No, that woman she lives with,", "that's just her special friend Maureen.", "They've lived together for...", "Oh.", "Oh, this is gonna be tough.", "Brover really was the best wingman ever.", "Oh, my God.", "Thank you so much for bringing", "Mr. Sprinkles back.\n- Mr. Sprinkles...", "is a great name for a dog.", "Mommy missed you so much.", "Yes, she did.", "Did this nice couple take care of you?", "That's a laugh. Ha.", "Big bro.", "I got to split. Yeah, I got to,", "I got to head back to the farm...", "where I live with my special\nfriend Maureen.", "Whom I now realize", "is my lesbian life partner.", "Surprise.", "Okay. All right.", "So...", "would you like a drink?", "Best wingman ever.", "Hey.", "What's all this?", "I thought you were mad at me.", "I was...", "but then I realized", "I just have to accept that\nyou have close guy friends.", "I mean, I don't want it becoming a habit", "that they steal you away from\nme in the middle of the night.", "But...", "Oh, sorry.", "Oh, Ted needs to see me.", "Oh, for the love of God, woman.\n- Oh, it's not", "what you think. He\njust wants to have sex.", "Kidding.", "Just a little hand stuff.", "Ha. Kidding again.", "Ted's more of a boob\nman. I seriously can't stop.", "What does he want?\n- Um...", "I don't know, but he says it's urgent.", "I'm so sorry.", "Just one more little steal-away.", "Just as long as he gives you back.", "Thanks.", "So...", "are you okay?", "What is this big, urgent thing", "that couldn't wait till tomorrow?", "There's something I have to tell you.", "Um...", "I've thought about this a ton,", "and...", "I was hoping it wouldn't come to this,", "but...", "I'm not in love with Robin...", "but she's like family to me, and...", "I can't end that.", "So...", "can you accept that?", "I really hope you get her some day.", "Hey, guys.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "So, last night", "Ted calls me out to the bar to\ntalk about something urgent.", "Guess what it was.", "He wants to write", "a series of young adult mystery novels", "called The Mosby Boys.", "Why did you need to tell me that?", "You work in the media. You know people.", "Okay, well, first of\nall, lose the Mosby nerds", "and focus on that\ncrime-solving squirrel.", "That guy is gold.\n- Yeah.", "And secondly, next time", "you have a big idea late at night,", "please bug your girlfriend about it.", "Uh, actually...", "Victoria and I broke up.", "Oh, my God.", "Why, what, what happened?", "We just, you know, wanted\ndifferent things.", "I'm so sorry, buddy.", "But, bright side...", "Robin is gonna be so touched", "when she hears you\nended things with Victoria", "because of her.", "She can never know.", "Promise me Robin will never find out.", "I don't understand.", "Promise.", "Promise.\n- Promise.", "Of course,", "Robin did find out.", "But we'll get to that.", "So you do have balls?", "Run!"], "How I Met Your Mother S08E06 Splitsville": ["In the fall of 2012,", "Nick and Robin were going strong.", "Sometimes it's hard to\nsay what it is exactly", "that makes a couple click.", "Wow.", "Bravissimo!", "Whatever it was, kids, Nick and Robin", "really connected at first.", "Hey, you know, I think\nI'm really starting", "to feel something here...", "But then, as often happens,\nthey started to drift apart.", "Why?", "Who can say?", "Nick and I haven't had\nsex in three days.", "And it's your fault.", "Nick won't have sex", "because he pulled his groin muscle,", "all 'cause you made him\njoin your stupid basketball team.", "Did you say \"stupid basketball team\"?", "Yeah.", "Oh, my gosh, guys,", "we have to rush Robin to the hospital.", "Because somehow, she\nswallowed her vocal cords", "and they got lodged in her rectum,", "because she's talking out of her ass.", "Over the summer, Marshall had joined", "a midtown\nprofessionals basketball league.", "His team of lawyers was\ncalled The Force Majeurs.", "Ever since they lost to\na group of accountants,", "he'd started getting a\nlittle intense about it.", "You sure you didn't have a\nringer or two out there, Joel?", "Don't know what you're talking about.", "Good hustle out there, Aboubakar!", "If Joel can use ringers, then so can we.", "And Nick is our best player.", "So as far as I'm concerned,", "you can both keep your groins on ice.", "Groins on Ice.", "Least popular", "Madison Square Garden holiday show ever.", "Why are you so into this\nbasketball league?", "Robin, it's the Little\nIvies Professionals Over 30", "Who Work In Midtown League.", "It's The Show!", "You know, it's kind of funny,", "imagining people icing their groins.", "I mean, first they'd be all cold,", "and then the ice would start to melt,", "and things would\nget all wet and... steamy.", "Okay, Lily.", "Look, buddy,", "I'm also the captain of a team", "in the Little Ivies\nProfessionals Over 30", "Who Work In Midtown League.", "I'm addicted to the adrenaline, too.", "Still, don't you think you're getting", "a little obsessive about...", "Uh, hold up, hold up.", "Are you suggesting that you are", "a member of a sports\nteam and you're the captain?", "So says the \"C\"", "I personally sewed onto my jersey.", "After Victoria and I broke up,", "I had some free time.", "So, called up a few architect friends", "and put together a little team", "called the T-Squares.", "See that?", "The floor's uneven.", "And that window placement is rubbish.", "You know, if a genie gave me one wish,", "I would knock down that\nwall and create a nice flow.", "Great wish.", "I mean, there's too much\nhardwood, right?", "Did you nerds\nactually play any basketball?", "Um, us nerds focused on something\nfar more important:", "Bonding.", "You guys are going to get pounded.", "And I am not.", "Oh, come on. You can't go a\ncouple weeks without sex?", "Our point guard's a\n52-year-old virgin, happy as a clam.", "I'm sure he's quite a ball handler.", "The problem is, now that\nwe're not having sex,", "we're talking more,", "and I'm realizing that\nNick is kind of...", "dumb.", "Really?\n- News to me.", "I hadn't noticed that.\n- No.", "Oh, my God.", "You guys think that he's dumb, too?", "So dumb.\n- Air bags are sharper.", "Hot as lava but just as thick.", "Wow. When did you guys start to\nnotice that he was kind of dumb?", "Well, there was that time Nick\nwas doing the crossword.", "Hey, what's a four\n- letter word for cut?", "\"Nick\".", "Yeah?", "Is a four-letter word for cut.", "What is?", "\"Nick\". What?", "Oh. I got it.", "\"Shave\".", "And there was the comment about Gypsies.", "No, no.", "I think Gypsies prefer", "to be called Romani now.", "Do they? Really?", "And what do unicorns and... elves", "and leprechauns prefer to be called?", "You do know... Gypsies are", "a real ethnic group that\nactually exists?", "Oh, you guys, I feel terrible now.", "I always thought they were just made up,", "like goblins or trolls or dolphins.", "And then there's that story you\ntold about how you and Nick", "picked up that Danish exchange student", "and you all took a shower together.", "I never told a story like that.", "Well, no time like the present.", "Let's give this Danish ho a name.", "I'm thinking Nadia.", "Yeah, she sounds slutty and bi-curious.", "What is wrong with you?", "Your kid is right there.", "Maybe want to clean it up a lit...", "You're wearing a baby and\nyou're doing pull-ups?", "No, Ted, I'm sitting\naround getting soft,", "'cause that's what champions do.", "The problem is, now\nthat I know how dumb Nick is,", "it's kind of making me reconsider\nthe relationship.", "Why?", "Eventually, Nick's groin will heal", "and you'll be back in Sexville,", "where all the crossword\npuzzles only have one box to fill.", "Talk about a double standard.", "Every time I go after a\nbusty dullard who can't tell time", "or thinks I'm the ghost of Leonardo\nDiCaprio, I'm shallow.", "But somehow it's okay\nfor Robin to date a guy", "who can't be trusted around outlets.", "Dump him!", "Okay, that is ridiculous.", "Is Nick a genius? No.", "But does he have average intelligence?", "No.", "But he is a human being, with a heart!", "And you're afraid if I dump him,\nit'll throw off his game.", "Robin, he got 36 points and\n17 rebounds last week.", "And that was with his\nshoes on the wrong feet.", "Well, you're probably all wondering", "how the T-Squares' practice went today.", "The T-What?", "We played up here.", "Basketball, people don't realize,", "is all geometry, physics\nand engineering.", "If you think like an architect,", "you could win a thousand\ngames without ever touching a ball.", "What happened to your ball?", "Some kids from the Hebrew\nschool next door took it", "and wouldn't give it back.", "Oh.", "Oy.", "Hey.", "Hey.\n- Hey. Oh, thanks.", "How'd the breakup with Nick go?", "Well...", "So, I went to this fortune teller today", "and she said there was a curse on me.", "Did she sell you\nsomething to ward off the curse?", "It's like you're a fortune teller, too.", "Nick...", "I think we need to talk.\n- Yeah.", "Uh... it's just...", "Whoa, these are hard.", "Anyway, this $500\nbracelet will ward off evil", "till the end of the week, so...", "Do you think that you could do,", "uh, sit-ups or\nsomething while you talk?", "Yeah.", "Anyway, this fortune teller,", "she was able to tell me all sorts\nof stuff about my future,", "just from my credit cards and my\nsocial security number, drivers licence...", "I knew you'd cave.", "Which is why I came up with", "a little extra incentive", "to break up with Nick.", "End it by 8:00 p.m.\ntonight or this invite goes live.", "\"Robin and Patrice's", "BFF Fun Day?\"", "Kids, Patrice was a coworker of Robin's", "who'd become sort of obsessed with her.", "Robin had managed, until now,", "to keep Patrice at arms length.", "But if Patrice were\ninvited to something called", "Robin and Patrice's BFF Fun Day,", "she'd latch onto Robin and never let go.", "Why would you do that?", "Delete that right now!", "No! If I don't give you a little push,", "you'll let this drag on until\nNick can have sex again,", "and then you'll be right back to\nprocrastinating on all fours.", "I hate to admit it, but the\nman in the suit has a point.", "Ugh!", "Fine, but the\nplayoffs are coming up soon,", "and I can't have this\nguy an emotional wreck.", "If you do dump him, at\nleast let him down easy.", "Yeah, take him to a nice restaurant.", "Preferably a dessert place.", "That way, you won't have\nto sit through a whole meal", "before you get to...", "Splitsville.\n- Exactly.", "No, Splitsville.", "It's a dessert place right\naround the corner.", "It's sort of the\nplace to end a relationship.", "Uh, Nick, listen.", "You are awesome", "and totally sweet, but we're just not...", "You know where I'm\ngoing with this, right?", "No. No clue.", "Okay...", "I don't know if we\nshould keep seeing each other.", "You want to start turning\noff the lights during sex?", "No. God, no.", "No! No.", "I am just worried that, as a\ncouple, we're not working out.", "You want to start going\nto the gym together?", "Okay, no, Nick, here is the deal.", "Okay...", "Sorry, babe. I got to take this.", "Excuse me.", "Hello.", "Hey, what's up?", "You...", "What? I...", "I don't understand.", "But you...", "Okay... you know what?", "I'm sorry, I have to go.", "What happened?", "I...", "I...", "Uh, I'm sorry, I can't talk about this.", "Anyway,", "what were you going to say?", "Uh...", "I was gonna say, order\nwhatever else you want.", "It's on me.", "Well, thanks, but I\nthink I'd just rather", "eat it out of a bowl.", "Well, no doubt you're all wondering", "how the T-Square's first game went.", "What Squares?", "Picture a well\n- oiled machine.", "Your sewing machine?", "There were two\nseconds left on the clock.", "Aboubakar was all over me.", "And that's when all my\nyears of architectural training", "came to my aid.", "I saw the space in a way\nmy opponents never would.", "Yes!", "I told you guys I'd make one of these!", "Turns out, those two\npoints were taken away", "because apparently the ball\nwent \"out of bounds\".", "But don't worry,", "I'm appealing to the league office.", "This Aboubakar... I'm\nassuming you showered with the guy?", "Paint me a word picture.", "Hello.", "Lil, is Barney there?", "He's not answering his phone.", "Mm, he's a little busy right now.", "It's Robin.", "37... 38...", "Put her on speaker. 39...", "When did you start being able\nto do stuff like this?", "A few months ago, you\nhad to catch your breath", "after making a sandwich.", "Barney, delete the Robin", "and Patrice's BFF Fun Day invite!", "Did you break up with Nick yet?", "I can't! He just got\nsome horrible call.", "I think a family member\nmight have died or something.", "Oh! Yes! Yes!", "Yes! Yes! Yes!", "I mean, good that Robin can't dump him.", "The death part, less good.", "Robin, if you dump Nick,", "he could get mad and\ntear your blouse off.", "And then he bites you on the neck,", "not super hard, just on the brink", "between pleasure and pain.", "And then that Danish slut Nadia", "bursts in...", "You can't wait. His groin will heal", "and then before you know\nit, you'll be marrying a man", "who once ate a vanilla-scented candle!", "That was on me.", "I shouldn't have left it in the kitchen.", "Though, it was lit. Man, he dumb.", "The invite goes live in five minutes.", "What?", "It goes out\nautomatically unless I stop it,", "and that only happens\nif I hear you dump Nick", "on speakerphone before then.", "Fine.", "Hey, Nick. I'm sorry about that.", "listen,", "there's something I\nneed to talk to you about.", "No, Robin, I'm\nsorry. I'm like half here.", "That phone call, it just...", "I got some really bad news.", "My doctor did an MRI...", "and...", "Oh... Oh, God. What, what is it?", "My groin injury is\nworse than they thought.", "I can't play basketball for weeks.", "Thank God. I thought he\nwas dying or something.", "How many weeks? How many weeks?", "Please tell me it's not a tear", "in the iliolumbar ligament.", "It's a tear in the \"libioflumflar\nlinament\".", "If it's a small tear, he\ncan still make playoffs.", "It's a big tear.", "He better not be out for the season.", "I'm out for the season.\n- Damn it!", "They're going up against\nThe Number Crunchers without me.", "It's an after-work\nbasketball league for lawyers", "and accountants and architects who sew.", "I mean, who takes it that seriously?", "No...!", "I just hate letting Coach Eriksen down.", "I would follow that man through\nthe gates of hell!", "Winning.", "What do we win when we\nbeat those Number Crunchers", "a few short weeks hence?", "A game? Sure.", "A trophy? Sort of.", "We win a $25 gift card to Bennigan's,", "but what is it that we really win?", "The game!", "Yes, I said that Nick.", "Yeah.", "But we also win", "the right to walk tall.", "Oh!", "The right to call ourselves champions.", "Yeah.\n- So we are gonna", "go out and we are", "gonna wipe the floor with\nthose accountants!", "And afterwards, we will feast like kings", "on Southwest Fajitas and Cajun shrimp!", "And that check, that check\nwill be marginally less expensive!", "Yeah! Yeah!", "Now, they're probably gonna\nhave to pay full price for that meal.", "Nick, you are so sweet, but I just...", "Good news is", "it doesn't really matter\nif it takes my groin pull", "a little longer to heal,", "so I may as well start having sex again.", "Listening.", "Sickening.", "Exiting.", "Nick...\n- Huh?", "I just...", "Ah... I...", "Hmm?\n- Um...", "Mm-hmm?", "Oh...", "What do you think?", "I think I am suddenly in the mood", "for something hot.", "I see. Sounds like I\nshould order some cappuccinos.", "Don't talk till tomorrow morning.", "She can't go home with you, Nick.", "Barney?\n- Why not?", "Because Robin and I are in love.", "Barney, what are you doing here?", "Taking care of something", "you clearly can't do on your own.", "I'm sorry, but you and Robin are done.", "What? Robin, what is this?", "Barney, look, I know what\nyou're doing, okay?", "Please stop.", "Robin doesn't want to hurt your feelings", "because you're a nice guy,", "but she thinks you're\nstupid and she hates you.", "You're welcome.", "Stop doing this.", "I love her, Nick.", "Look, he doesn't love me.", "He's just saying this because...", "I love everything about her,", "and I'm not a guy who says that lightly.", "I'm a guy who has faked\nlove his entire life.", "I thought love was just something", "idiots thought they felt,", "but this woman has a hold on my heart", "that I could not break if I wanted to,", "and there have been times", "that I wanted to.", "It has been overwhelming and humbling", "and even painful at times, but\nI could not stop loving her", "any more than I could stop breathing.", "I am hopelessly,\nirretrievably in love with her.", "More than she knows.", "Robin,", "is this true?", "You heard him.", "Oh, wow, it feels like I have", "a pulled groin muscle in my heart.", "Nick, I'm so sorry.", "I just think that maybe...", "Pardon me.", "But did you just also\nget your heart broken?", "Yes.\n- I just got", "my heart broken, too!", "Well, do the... the two of you...", "want to come back to my place?", "Yes. - Yes.\n- Come on.", "Thus concluded the Autumn of Breakups,", "Wow.", "Crazy, right?\n- Yeah,", "you know what would be really crazy?", "If all of 'em", "got it on... Barney, Robin,\nNick, and those two women,", "and you just know Nadia's\nwatching in the corner", "with her pet snake.", "Okay, why aren't you two having sex?", "What?", "Excuse me?", "Lily has been\nslobbering over Robin's sex life", "like a cartoon hobo\nwatching a pie cool on a windowsill,", "and you...", "the only other time you've\never exercised this seriously", "was when Lily had mono freshman year", "and I caught you\ndoing one-armed push-ups", "with your genitals over a bowl of ice.", "So, when did you stop doing it and why?", "It was, you know,", "before Marvin was born.", "What? Th-That's insane.", "Well, you have to wait a\nwhile after having a kid,", "and, and then you're\nexhausted from being up all night.", "And then this uncanny phenomenon began.", "Wow,", "you guys got to fix this.", "It's not that easy.", "Ted, having a kid changes things.", "You don't have the time or\nenergy, you're never alone.", "Come here.", "What are you doing?", "Taking Marvin for a walk", "so you guys can have some privacy.", "Oh, Ted, come on,", "that's, that's just\nnot the way that it works.", "Yeah, it's not like\nwe can have sex on cue.", "Yeah, I'll give you guys plenty of time.", "Maybe I'll even", "swing by the gym, show Marvin", "where his Uncle Ted made \"the shot\".", "If I'm late,", "it's 'cause I've been\ndelayed by autograph seekers.", "Oh, forgot Marvin's diaper bag.", "Yowza!", "Okay.", "And the Oscar for\nBest Fake Romantic Speech", "goes to Barney Stinson.", "I'd like to thank all the\nladies over the years", "with whom I've\npracticed fake romantic speeches", "and, of course, Robin Scherbatsky", "for being so hypnotized by hog", "that she needed me to come and save her.", "You know what? I didn't need your help.", "You were this close to\nripping off his misbuttoned shirt", "and pulling down his\ninside-out underpants.", "I'll give you this, you\nwere pretty convincing.", "Hey, tricking good-looking\nidiots is kind of my thing.", "No.", "I mean, you were really convincing.", "Please.", "I was bro-ing you out.", "I'm just glad he bought it so quick.", "Any longer, I'd have had to kiss you.", "Hello.", "Whoo, oh, my God, Robin, BFF Fun Day!", "That's the most amazing thing ever.", "Like, you totally read my mind...\n- Hey, Patrice.", "Oh, you got the invite, great.", "Uh, yeah... let me call you back.", "This is so fantastic, I\ncan't even catch my breath.", "Mm-hmm, yeah. -\nYeah, yeah, yeah!", "You know what I forgot to do?", "# Like a fool, I went\nand stayed too long #", "# Now I'm wondering if\nyour love's still strong #", "# Ooh, baby, here I am", "# Signed, sealed,\ndelivered, I'm yours. #", "Hey, T-Squares.", "Well, bad news.", "Heard back from the league office.", "My shot is not going to count.", "But onwards and upwards, right?", "What do you cats want", "to rap about, huh?", "Listen, Coach... you're great.", "And we all really want to stay friends.", "I can change, I can...", "Come on, we, we had some good times.", "Things have been weird lately and...", "Is there another\narchitect? Just tell me."], "How I Met Your Mother S08E07 The Stamp Tramp": ["Guys, I'm going\nthrough something kinda hard.", "Since Quinn and I broke\nup, she's gone back to dancing", "at The Lusty Leopard, and it's\njust really tough because...", "'Cause you have to\nfind a new strip club?", "I have to find a new strip club!", "I've been going to The Lusty\nLeopard for seven years.", "Wow. That's like 49 in perv years.", "Sixty-nine.\nSelf-five.", "Look...", "without my open wallet,", "The Lusty Leopard would be nothing.", "Thanks to me,\nthey've been able to expand", "and take over that soup\nkitchen next door.", "Now I'm a free agent,", "and all the strip clubs are after me.", "Mr. Stinson, we might not have", "the best strippers at Moneyballs,", "but we use sabermetrics to get\nyou a stripper with a five body,", "sure, and another with a\nbutter face, but together,", "with their tireless\ngrinding, we guarantee", "a high on-pants percentage.", "I gotta be honest with you, Fred,", "I can't really see myself signing\nwith the Golden Oldies.", "Well, that's what\neveryone says... at first.", "But our GILFs have got class.", "They've got maturity and experience,", "and the kind of\nmind-blowing flexibility", "that only comes from\nadvanced hip dysplasia.", "Barney, the Lusty Leopard\nwould be lost without you.", "I think you're really gonna\nlike a couple of the girls", "we just pulled up from the minors.", "Don't leave us!", "Wow, you're like the LeBron\nJames of strip clubs.", "Actually, you're probably tied\nwith LeBron James for that title.", "LeBron isn't all that.", "The Cavs are doing great without him.", "Yeah!", "Hey, guys, you will\nnever believe who I ran into", "outside of work today.", "It wasn't the guy handing out coupons", "in the hot dog costume, was it?", "Baby, there's no\nreason to be scared of him.", "I'm not scared of him.", "It's totally normal to\nsee a hot dog with a face.", "No, it was Brad, my\nold law school buddy.", "I almost didn't recognize him.", "Marshall?", "Brad?", "Bro!", "Oh, hey!", "What a kick-ass day!", "I run into you, some sucker throws away", "most of a perfectly good hot dog...", "kick-ass day!", "You still doing corporate law?", "I got downsized two years ago.", "It's been rough.", "Going through a little bit of a depresh.", "But just today, boom!", "Huge job prospect.", "Here's your application.", "Just tell them I sent you.", "I bet you could fit in the bratwurst.", "Bratwurst with a face.", "What'd I tell you?", "Looks like I'm about to be on a roll.", "Sounds like that\nguy could use some help.", "I know! That's why I said...", "You know, I'm at Honeywell & Cootes,", "and they're looking\nto hire an associate.", "I could totally recommend you.", "Leave the wounded behind!", "'Cause Brad is an old\nfriend who needs a job.", "Why shouldn't I give him the old", "Marshall Eriksen Stamp of Approval?", "Marshall, you're a stamp tramp.", "How dare you!", "And what is that?", "You give your stamp of\napproval to everything.", "It's become meaningless.", "It's like when my mom likes a movie.", "It just means Richard Dreyfuss is in it.", "Marshall, you love everything\nand everyone.", "It's-It's what I love about you,", "but it's also why your\nstamps are total crap.", "Give me one example.", "How about when you turned your boss", "into a fountain of bodily liquids?", "You guys like it?", "I'll be waiting for\nyou in hell, Eriksen.", "In my defense, that\nrestaurant's health rating had just gone", "from an \"F\" to a \"D,\" and\nI wanted to reward that.", "Marshall, you're already on thin ice", "with that horrible Honeywell guy.", "Don't risk screwing things\nup more right before", "your biggest case ever.", "Okay, Honeywell is not horrible,", "he just has a bad temper sometimes.", "And he holds a grudge.", "He's kind of defensive about his height.", "And he's cheap.", "And he made those secretaries cry.", "But, deep down, he is a great guy.", "Heck, he gets my stamp, too.", "Stamp tramp.", "Well, maybe this isn't the moment", "to stick your neck out for Brad.", "Well, that's not how I was raised.", "Back in St. Cloud, we believe in people,", "people like Gudren Olsen, the\ntown wino who became our mayor.", "They even wound up\nnaming a bridge after him.", "The one he drove off.", "Marshall, why can't you\nbe more like your wife?", "Lily's stamp is gold.", "I'm reading this book because of her.", "I'm drinking this beer because\nshe recommended it.", "I'm even wearing this bra because", "of a lingerie store Lily told me about.", "Uh, if anyone's got the golden stamp,", "it's old Teddy Westside over here.", "Please. You're a piggyback stamper.", "How dare you!", "And what is that?", "Allow us to demonstrate. Lily?", "Hey, guys, I just found a\ngreat new sushi restaurant.", "It's called Katsu...", "yoku. Katsuyoku.", "My idea. I'm Ted.", "Nailed it.\n- Totally.", "Okay, Ted, name one\ncool thing you've given", "your stamp to first...\n- Dr. Berkowitz.", "that isn't an\near, nose and throat doctor.", "Man, these strip clubs want me so bad.", "They're sending me\nT-shirts, beer cozies.", "Sticky's even sent me", "a boob-shaped hand-sanitizer\ndispenser.", "It's clean and dirty at the same time.", "That's it? T\n- shirts and beer cozies?", "That's disrespect, son!", "Here's what you do:", "Hit a few strip clubs in\nJersey and Long Island.", "Jersey? Long Island?", "Why would I go to a Third World nation", "to get my knob wobbled?", "Well, you wouldn't.", "But when the clubs in the city hear", "you're sniffing around across the river,", "those beer cozies and T-shirts turn", "into Rolexes and fur coats.", "Especially from that\nstrip club, Fur Coats.", "Wow. That's genius.", "You're hired.", "What do you mean?", "I want you to be my strip club agent.", "What is wrong with you?", "Well, I just figured I'd ask...", "No, I was talking to myself,", "because, for some reason,\nI really want to do that!", "Oh! Oh! What am I wearing?", "Just proof of a\nstamp I know I gave first,", "from a little band called...", "Dishwalla.", "Who?", "Dishwalla! Come on!", "They had that whole,", "\"Tell Me All Your Thoughts on God\" song.", "Oh...", "Look, I'm not saying they're\nmy favorite band,", "but for a little while in college,", "we were all into that song,\nand it was all thanks to me.", "But I turned you on to Dishwalla.", "No way! I played them on my radio show.", "I mean, pirate DJ Dr. X played them on", "his beloved radio show.", "We all know you were Dr. X, Ted!", "And I'm the one who\ngot us into that song.", "No! No! On his beloved radio show,", "Dr. X pointed out that the chorus went,", "\"Tell me all your thoughts on God\"", "# 'Cause I really want to meet her. #", "Her. God's a woman.", "And it blew the minds", "of everyone\nlistening to Dr. X that night.", "Which was pretty much\neveryone on campus... including me.", "I'm not Dr. X.", "Oh, so you're saying", "credit for the stamp\ngoes to Dr. X then, not you.", "Okay... I'm gonna tell you\nguys something right now.", "Take a sip. Follow my lead.", "I'm Dr. X.", "No!", "I hope this works out, bro.", "I couldn't even get my\nleg in that bratwurst outfit.", "Don't be nervous. Honeywell\nis gonna love you.", "Sweet! Freebie muff-tops!", "Can I pour you a pocket of coffee?", "I didn't say you were fat.", "I said that dress\nmakes you look fat! Idiot!", "Hey! You must be Brad!", "I'm excited to meet the man", "Eriksen's been talking up all week.", "Mr. Honeywell, I have to say,", "your environmental work is amazing.", "Come on, it's not\nlike I'm saving the world.", "Oh, wait, yes, I am!", "Great.", "Marshall tells me you have", "the big Gruber\nPharmaceutical trial coming up.", "I'd love to give you\nmy thoughts on the case,", "but I can't take full credit.", "Most of these are from my psychic.", "My psychic always pushes\nfor a settlement.", "But my numerologist says roll\nthe dice with the jury.", "I'm waiting for my astrologist\nto weigh in,", "but he can be kind of flaky.", "You know, Cancer.", "Should know more\nafter he's back from chemo.", "Good luck, bro!", "You know the best part about\nyou challenging me on Dishwalla?", "Didn't challenge you, don't care.\n- It made me", "dig up my old video\ndiaries from freshman year.", "And somewhere in here\nthere's gonna be proof", "that I am not a piggyback stamper.", "I have my own original ideas.", "Didn't you only do the video diaries", "because of Winona\nRyder in Reality Bites?", "No.", "I don't know what you're\ntalk... shut up.", "Let's just watch.", "How do you even know\nthere's gonna be mention", "of Dishwalla on those tapes?\n- I don't.", "And it may take me\ndays to go through them all,", "but that is how\ncommitted I am to the truth.", "Hey, you guys should check out\nthat song by the band Dishwalla.", "Really? I've never heard of them.", "Damn it!", "So?", "A lot of", "strip clubs are into my client.", "If you want the Melon\nPatch to be in the mix,", "we're gonna need bigger\nmelons and smaller patches.", "Otherwise, your\nestablishment is not where", "Barney Stinson is gonna pitch his tent.", "B\n- Dawg, Barn Door,", "Stinson-natti,\nBro-hio!", "Talk to me. How's it hangin'?", "You are killing it at this agent thing!", "I just got a big box at Yankee Stadium", "from the ladies at The Big Box.", "Mm-hmm.", "Golden Oldies", "just sent me a fax\nmachine and a Charo calendar.", "Mm-hmm. - Aren't they\nout of the running?", "Yeah, but those old\nbitches don't need to know that.", "Yeah, I just feel kind of bad.", "They just spent eight grand", "on that wheelchair ramp up to the stage.", "Hey, Larry, how's\neverything at the Beaver Dam?", "I don't even know that strip club.", "Oh, it's not a club.", "My cousin Larry is a\nforest ranger in Squamish.", "Oh, yeah?", "Then I was fired from", "Bed Bath & Beyond", "for telling inappropriate jokes.", "I mean...", "get a sense of humor, LaShonda.", "You know how \"they\" are.", "\"They\" meaning Bed Bath &\nBeyond employees, right?", "Hmm?", "No. Women.", "That still could have been worse.", "Thank God I ran into Marshall.", "This guy's supportive as balls.", "And here I am.", "Yes, we both owe\nMarshall a debt of gratitude", "for getting you this interview.", "Eriksen...", "can I see you outside? Sure.", "Good. Try to stay out\nthere a few minutes.", "I just cut one, and I can tell\nit's gonna be a slow burn.", "What is Generation X?", "What does the X in \"Generation\nX\" stand for?", "What do we stand for?", "Why aren't people on\ncampus talking about this?", "Maybe you should do a radio show", "and call yourself Dr. X.", "I just had an amazing idea.", "Just turn it off!", "I can't look away.", "Oh, God, no.", "Oh, God, I'm putting on a beret.", "You were there.", "Why didn't you tell\nme that looked stupid?", "Ted, that beret looks stupid.", "I look magnifique!", "Marshall, that man is the\nhuman equivalent of what came out", "of my body after eating that\nsoup you recommended!", "This guy's your friend?", "Really more of an acquaintance\nthan a friend.", "No backpedaling.", "You're Marshall Eriksen.", "You believe in people.", "You know what Brad hasn't told you?", "He was third in our class at Columbia.", "That is impressive.", "And I suppose he did\nwarn us about the fart.", "He's a great guy.", "Please... give him just one more chance.", "Two more minutes.", "I'm proud of you.", "I'm proud of you for being proud of me.", "You went undergrad to Holy Cross?", "That's my alma mater.", "I went there on a\nbasketball scholarship.", "No way. I played center.", "Uh-oh.", "Why is that so shocking?", "'Cause you're,\nlike, an itty-bitty fella.", "Hey... fish, huh?", "Fish are crazy, right?", "You guys ever think about fish?", "I am six-foot one, sir.", "Bro, I'm at least a\nfoot taller than you.", "Well, then I guess that makes\nyou a freakish seven-foot one.", "What do you call fish with no eyes?", "\"Fsh\".", "I am six-feet and one\ninch, and I'll prove it.", "Eriksen.", "How tall are you?", "Seven feet.", "So, we've got a deal somewhere?", "We sure do.", "You are the new face of...", "and exclusive customer to...", "Golden Oldies!", "What?", "I thought we ruled them out!", "I don't remember that!", "Now let's go. It is 4:00,", "and their dinner show\nstarts in ten minutes.", "Wait a minute.", "Oh...\n- Is that a Rolex?", "Huh. What do you know?", "How did that get there?", "Anyway... so initial here and...", "Where'd you get the bling, Robin?", "Uh...", "They bribed you.", "They bribed you!", "Why else would you pick a\nplace where the strippers say", "they're trying to put their\ngrandkids through college?", "Please leave!", "Barney, I can explain, okay?", "Please...", "leave.", "Say it, you giant beast!\nSay I'm six-one!", "Maybe if you stood on\ntop of that pot of gold", "you have at the end of your rainbow.", "You know something?", "You're nothing but a...", "a tree man!", "I never want to see\nyou again, tree man!", "Fine.", "I have to go to the little boys' room.", "Not your office.", "I need to take a dump.", "If that's the type of guy you vouch for,", "I can't trust your judgment.", "You're off the\nGruber Pharmaceutical case.", "No...", "Oh, good, we're up to the\ntime I got my ear pierced.", "Do it, do it, do it, do it.", "Don't do it! Don't\ndo it! Don't, don't.", "Okay, do it now. Do, do, do it, do it.", "Don't, don't do it! Don't\ndo it! Don't do it!", "Don't! Yes, you can do this. You can...", "That goes on for 45 minutes.", "Hey... how was work, baby?", "Remember how I always wanted to know", "what it was like to be a ghost?", "Well, I don't want that anymore.", "Okay, suppose we lead", "with the carbon\ntesting of the residue water.", "How do we keep the\njury engaged? Anyone?", "You could bring up the survey from", "Dr. Pasquesi's testimony.", "Anyone?", "Anyone who isn't dead to me?", "Then you have to earn\nHoneywell's trust back.", "Just start small.", "Put your stamp on little things", "that have nothing to do with work.", "Like a funny video.", "I... I may have something.", "Don't think, Mosby! Do it now!\nOh, my God, I'm doing it!", "Wow, he's a real bleeder!", "And then you build to\nsomething else small, like a tasty snack.", "Don't sleep on the popcorn.", "Try mixing the caramel and the cheese.", "It shouldn't work,", "but... it... does.", "There's no way caramel and\ncheese... That's good!", "That is good. Oh!", "And when Honeywell starts\ntrusting your stamp again,", "he'll seek out your opinion on things.", "Be honest, Eriksen.", "Is this deep-V working?", "And that's when you lie your ass off.", "Sir...", "I think you could go even deeper.", "And before you know it...", "Eriksen, get in here.", "you're back on the case.", "Ted, why are you torturing yourself?", "None of us were our best in college.", "Oh, my God, I love my hair there!", "I always thought I was\nthis kid from suburban Ohio", "who had this innate\nsense of judgment and taste", "and just showed up to\ncollege and wowed everyone.", "Now I have concrete proof that I wasn't.", "I was a total gomer.", "Maybe I still am.", "Wait... that's the giant suit", "Marshall wore on our third date.", "So...", "Marshall Eriksen,", "you just came back from your\nthird date with Lily.", "How was it?", "Great, yeah.", "I just... I think I'm\nfalling for this girl pretty hard.", "But is everything happening too fast?", "I mean, maybe I should see other people.", "Whoa, dude, no!", "Lily Aldrin is special.\nYou hold on to that girl.", "She is.", "I'm only 18 and...", "Marshall, you being\n18 isn't a bad thing.", "It just means you get to spend\neven more of your life with her.", "I mean, I'm probably\nnot gonna meet my wife", "until I'm, like, 23.", "You're right.", "What am I thinking?", "I'm in love with this girl.", "Ted, oh, my God.", "You gave me the ultimate stamp.", "And in my whole life, this life...", "it all goes back to that moment.", "I mean, maybe take a month\noff, bang a couple chicks.", "Lily's not going anywhere.", "Hey, Barney.\n- Hey.", "Um, look, I'm sorry about\nthe whole skimming-off-the-top-", "of-the-strip-club-swag\nthing.", "Hey, it happens to everybody.", "Really? Because even\nas I said those words,", "they did not feel like a real thing.", "Hey, look, wherever you end\nup, can I have the dubious honor", "of buying you your first lap dance?", "It's a date.", "Ladies and gentlemen, it's\ntime for \"The Decision\".", "Yeah.", "Ladies, my bro-dium?", "Yeah.", "Look at this!", "Man, this whole free agent experience,", "it's been an unbelievable experience,", "a real humbling experience.", "First of all, The Lusty\nLeopard is where I developed my game.", "Oh...", "I have nothing but the\nutmost respect for you skanks.", "He's just gonna stay\nat The Lusty Leopard.", "They have loyalty and heart.", "I bet you he rewards that.", "LeBron moved on, Ted. So should you.", "But Barney Stinson\nhas to do what's right", "for Barney Stinson's penis.", "In this fall... This is tough.", "Um...", "in this fall I'm going", "to take my talents to Mouth Beach.", "The next day, Uncle\nMarshall went to court", "for the biggest case of his life.", "Hey, Marshall! Bilbo!", "Brad? What are you...?", "Did you just get hired", "by Gruber Pharmaceutical's legal team?", "Oh, not just.", "I've been working for\nthem for two years.", "I heard about the job\nopening at Honeywell & Cootes", "and knew that if I hung\nout in front of your office", "and pretended to be down on my\nluck, you'd take pity on me,", "get me an interview...", "Try to stay out there a few minutes.", "I just cut one, and I can\ntell it's gonna be a slow burn.", "and buy some alone\ntime in the conference room.", "I got your firm's strategy for the case.", "Muchas gracias, bro-migo.", "He's really more of an acquaintance\nthan a bro-migo.", "Win this case or you're fired, Eriksen.", "And so began the trial\nthat would change the course", "of Marshall's career.", "But we'll get to that.", "Oh, you see? This is\nwhat I miss about being single:", "Cutting loose at a strip club,", "drinkin' some beers, seein' some boobs,", "getting thrown out for\nbeing \"too handsy\".", "You were a little out\nof control tonight.", "You know, I really thought", "that that bouncer was bluffing\nwith the Taser.", "Man, everything's gonna\ntaste like pennies for a week.", "I had a fun time tonight, though.", "Me, too.", "I always have fun with you.", "Whoa, whoa.", "I've got to...", "We can't, we can't do this.", "This, this can't happen.", "Uh, I've got to go.\n- What...?"], "How I Met Your Mother S08E08 Twelve Horny Women": ["Kids, this a story about the\ntime your Uncle Marshall", "went before the New York\nState Judiciary Committee,", "a panel that would\ndecide the fate of his career.", "He thought he'd open with an icebreaker.", "By the way, did I mention those\nrobes really do you all...", "justice?", "I'm just saying that\nyou're all guilty...", "of looking sharp.", "Mr. Eriksen, please.", "You're here to discuss", "your conduct in court", "during the week of November 19, 2012.", "Of course, Your Honor.", "It all", "started when...", "a so-called friend from law school", "conned me into believing", "that he needed my help getting a job,", "when in reality, he\nstole my firm's strategy", "for our upcoming trial against", "Gruber Pharmaceuticals, who'd\nbeen polluting a lake upstate.", "Turns out, he was representing Gruber.", "Win this case or you're fired, Eriksen.", "How could you trick me like that?", "This is the biggest trial in my career.", "Mine too, brobeans.", "When I win this trial,", "I'm gonna buy a new car.", "Thinking Lambo.", "Awesome. I mean, no!", "What happened to you?", "You used to be,\nlike, the nicest guy ever.", "We were bros.", "More than bros.", "We ate brunch together.", "And I'll always cherish that.", "But after Kara", "broke my heart again", "for the millionth time,", "I said screw being nice,", "suited up and started\nlying to get what I want.", "That does happen.", "But you used to want to\nfight for the little guy.", "Little guys pay with little checks.", "But... you already know that.", "You're in environmental law.", "Marshall, you have a kid.", "How are you gonna provide", "for the little dude's futche?", "I'm worried about\nPlanet Earth's futche!", "That's why I'm gonna", "kick your ass in this trial.", "Sure, you may have swiped our\nentire strategy for this case,", "but I still got some tricks up my sleeve", "that you know absolutely nothing about.", "Really?", "No.", "Kids, Robin and\nBarney had recently shared", "an awkward moment.", "Whoa, whoa.", "After that, they did what\nany two mature adults would do:", "Hey!", "Hey!", "How are you?", "Great. You?", "Good, so good.", "Oh, great. Good to see you! You, too!", "They pretended it never happened.", "All right, guys,", "this is the biggest\ncase of Marshall's career.", "That is why it's so great", "that we all called in\nsick to work tomorrow,", "so we could be in that courtroom\nto support him.", "I didn't call in sick.", "I called in for all of us.", "Uh, I have strep throat.", "Robin, bronchitis.", "Barney, massive hemorrhoids.", "Why'd you have to say \"massive\"?", "Well, if you're gonna miss\nwork for hemorrhoids,", "they kind of have to be massive.", "I don't want to sit in\na courtroom all day.", "I bet you don't want to sit anywhere\nwith those hemorrhoids.", "I don't have... Shut up.", "Look, you guys wouldn't understand,", "but when you have a rap\nsheet as long as mine,", "the last place you want to spend", "a day is in court.", "Rap sheet?", "That's right.", "When I was a teenager, Lily,", "I was a total badass. Pfft.", "You want to talk about\nteenage badasses?", "I was like John Gotti in a training bra.", "I'm serious.", "In high school, before I\nstarted dating Scooter,", "even he was afraid of me.", "Lily coming!", "Lily coming!", "You look okay.", "Want to hang out?", "Uh, my mom says I'm only\nallowed three friends, so...", "Your mom don't make the\nrules no more, Scooter.", "My name's Jeff.", "Not no more it ain't.", "The one part of that story I believe", "is that Scooter only had three friends.", "Ah!", "Here he is.", "The pride of St. Cloud,", "the environmental lawyer", "we've come to know and love.", "He's mean. He's green.", "He's not wearing the tie I\nbought him for the trial,", "but I'm not gonna mention it...", "Marshall \"I Was Gonna Say\n'Nice Tie'\" Eriksen!", "How you feeling,", "Counselor?", "Well... I mean, at first", "that Brad thing had me rattled,", "but now I feel pretty good.", "I mean, for one thing,", "I don't have massive hemorrhoids.\nSorry, buddy.", "I don't have ma...", "And more importantly, unlike Brad,", "I actually have something to fight for.", "Pop, because of your precedent-setting", "legal victory 14 years ago,", "kids like me can fish in clean lakes", "all over the world.", "They sure can, champ.", "Because when you do one good deed...", "it creates a ripple effect.", "One good deed", "leads to another and another.", "Man, you're wise.", "That's probably why I never have\nfelt the need to do drugs", "or rebel in any way.", "Anyhoo...", "The next day, we all\nheaded down to court", "to support Uncle Marshall.", "Yeah.", "Want to know what I\nlooked like at age 15?", "There it is.", "I don't get it. That\nguy wasn't masturbating.", "Yeah, and the waistband of\nhis undies wasn't pulled up", "to his Cub Scouts neckerchief.", "Ted,", "you were never a badass.", "Au contraire.", "Off to a good start...", "I was locked up", "plenty of times as a teenager.", "Let's just say", "Johnny Law was not a fan", "of Teddy Westside.", "Make sure you get my good side...", "Princess.", "You guys want to talk", "about hassling the fuzz?", "Finish that, Scoots.", "Okay,", "let's see some IDs.", "Scooter, do you smell bacon?", "Laugh, bitch.", "Ha!", "Ha ha!", "ID now, both of you.", "Which one of you", "is Yuki Hakutani?", "Right here.", "So, Yuki, you're 6'1\" and\nyou were born in 1947?", "Congratulations. You can read.", "Barney Stinson?", "Well, if it isn't Warren Frankel.", "Bailiff", "Warren Frankel,", "who knows me.\n- You know,", "I almost didn't recognize\nyou without handcuffs on.", "Yeah, I've matured quite\na bit since the old days.", "The only time I'm\nwearing handcuffs now is...", "in the bedroom.", "Bondage. I get it.", "Well,", "I have to run.", "Stay out of trouble.", "Badass.", "In summary, I will prove that\nGruber Pharmaceuticals", "wantonly and\nknowingly polluted Frog Lake", "and therefore must\npay restitution of no less", "than $25 million.", "Thank you.", "How's this for a fact:", "Frog Lake is home", "to a buttload of frogs and birds.", "If it's so polluted,", "why don't all those birds\nfly to a cleaner lake?", "And why don't the frogs just be like,", "\"Hey, birds, can I\ncatch a ride, ribbit?\"", "Marshall's gonna wipe the\nfloor with this ding-dong.", "Oops.", "I seem to have dropped my pen.", "Objection, Your Honor.", "Nobody needs this long to pick up a pen.", "I'll allow it.", "The biggest case of my life and\nI'd already lost the jury.", "I mean,", "I've heard of Twelve Angry Men,", "but this was more like\nTwelve Horny Women.", "Stay on topic.", "I can't compete with Brad.", "The jury is in love with him.", "During recess, one of those\nladies raced across the hall", "to see if she could get a divorce.", "And I'm pretty sure there\nwas some funny business", "going on under that judge's robe.", "What you guys saw Brad do was nothing.", "He's taken it to a whole other level.", "Ladies and...", "ladies of the jury,", "I'm sorry if I seem down.", "My girlfriend", "Kara...", "broke up with me last night.", "Aww...", "She said I listen too much,", "whatever that means.", "Aww...\n- Aww...", "Can you believe this guy?", "Really?", "Do I even want to see what I look like?", "Wow.", "That's, like, super mean.", "Next, Brad brought\nout his \"expert witness\".", "So, Dr. Bedrosian, you're saying", "that even if Gruber Pharmaceuticals'", "industry-leading drugs somehow\nseeped into Frog Lake,", "they could actually be helping\nthe otter population", "grow thicker coats of fur?", "Absolutely.", "And for the older birds, who...", "maybe don't perform as well in\nthe bedroom as they used to,", "could actually be having", "healthier sex lives?", "In my expert opinion...", "yes...?", "Yes.", "So Gruber...", "is giving these animals free medicine.", "Medicine that you or I would\nhave to pay a fortune for if...", "we needed help in the bedroom...", "which I don't.", "You're so bad.", "But I realized,", "if Brad could call a\nquack as his star witness,", "then so could I.", "You'll get that in a second.", "Meet Paddles,", "the duckling.", "\"Quack\".", "Continue.", "Little Paddles here just spent", "three months being\nnursed back to health.", "Why?", "Well, because he was found in Frog Lake", "suffering from acute dermatitis...", "a painful full-body\nrash, caused by who?", "Gruber Pharmaceuticals.", "For a brief, shining moment,", "it looked like I\nmight just win this thing.", "But then...", "I took a field trip to\nthis so-called \"polluted\" lake.", "If you'll indulge me,", "I'd like to share my experience.", "Frog Lake.", "Behold...", "nature's beauty.", "Polluted?", "Polluted with good times.", "Frog... Lake.", "Frog Lake.", "Come on in.", "The water's fine.", "I shot and edited that myself.", "Yep, I edit stuff, too.", "Sorry, Ms. Aldrin, there's\nno rap sheet under your name.", "Oh, y-you know what, it must be under", "my street tag: Number One Gunna.", "Nope. Sorry, Number One Gunna.", "Next!", "Those jive-ass turkeys must've lost it.", "Well, they're pretty swamped", "arresting 1970s pimps like yourself.", "Lily, let it go.", "I didn't want to brag, but I think", "it's time to acknowledge", "that I was the ultimate teenage\nbadass of this group.", "You were a teen pop star in Canada.", "You sang songs about the mall. Hey.", "There is a dark side to\nbeing a rocker on the road", "north of the 49th.", "Mm, thanks.", "Hey.", "We've received some\nnoise complaints, eh?", "Can you please lower the music?", "Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.", "Sure.", "How aboot... I lower the TV, too,", "yeah?", "Three hours later, I was arrested", "drunk, naked, and driving a Zamboni.", "Man, that DUI drove my\ninsurance through the roof.", "Please be seated.", "Mr. Morris, good\nseeing you this morning.", "Mr. Eriksen...", "you're here.", "Any...", "final witnesses?", "Well, Your Honor...", "Um...", "Actually, Your Honor... I'm afraid...", "Mr. Eriksen?", "Your Honor, I call Brad Morris", "to the stand.", "Mr. Eriksen, this is", "highly irregular. I would like", "Mr. Morris to remove his shirt.", "I'll allow it. Objection, Your Honor,", "on grounds that this is ridonk!", "Overruled. Take it off.", "Acute...", "dermatitis,", "courtesy of Frog Lake", "and Gruber Pharmaceuticals.", "That was badass.", "So, in the end,", "one might say you were\nforced to do something...", "rash?", "Rash!", "You know, I had that o, but\nLily told me to cut it.", "Um, anyway...", "all that was left was the verdict.", "\"We, the jury, find\nGruber Pharmaceuticals...", "guilty\".", "Yes!", "$25 million.", "That tie is not only\ntasteful, it's lucky!", "I hereby fine Gruber in\nthe amount of $25,000.", "Court is adjourned.", "Your Honor, $25,000?\nWhat just happened?", "Son, yes, Gruber\nPharmaceuticals probably polluted that lake,", "but I'm not gonna\nruin an important company", "just because they gave some bird a rash.", "No, but it's thousands of birds,", "and fish and otters and\nturtles... Look, Eriksen,", "I hate to cut you short,", "but I got tickets to\nAnnie and my wife is waiting.", "You have a wi...", "won-wonderful show to see?", "Guilty. Ciao.", "You'd best get your mind right, son!", "The game is the game, and\nthere ain't no winners.", "How many retired gangbangers you know?", "Exactly.", "Barney...", "check it out.", "I found my scrapbook from the old days.", "We're kind of busy right now, Warren.", "We're scaring kids straight, so...", "No, no. Barney was", "the youngest member of\nour Magic Enthusiasts Club", "years back.", "Famous for", "escaping from handcuffs.", "Handcuffs, huh?", "Very tiny hands.", "That was his secret.", "See you around, baby hands.", "So, you don't know the\nbailiff because you were a badass.", "You knew him because you\nguys were in a nerd club together.", "Where you dazzled audiences with\nyour sleight-of-tiny-hand.", "So I was a late hand bloomer!", "Go ahead, laugh,", "laugh like all the others,", "but those magicians pulled\noff the greatest trick of all:", "they accepted me.", "Okay, well, to be fair,", "I... may have slightly exaggerated", "my badass story, too.", "Oh, sorry. Uh, no, thank\nyou, housekeeping.", "I've already made my bed.", "And I only used one\nwashcloth, so it's...", "Congratulations, Miss Sparkles.", "On behalf", "of the Manitoba Hotel", "and Curling Rink\nAssociation, we'd like to thank you", "for being the nicest, most well-behaved\nhotel guest ever.", "Oh, yippee!", "What a loser!", "Your story's not\ntrue, either, is it, Ted?", "Not at all.", "Make sure you get my\ngood side, Princess!", "I left the courthouse that day", "questioning what I was\neven doing with my life...", "and then that night, I had a dream.", "Sorry I failed, son.", "What about your Pebble Theory, Dad?", "One good deed ripples out and\nmakes another and another?", "Yeah.", "This is what really happens", "when you throw a pebble into Frog Lake.", "The truth is, you can fight", "your whole life to do\ngood and still get nowhere.", "You're wrong.", "Some good's gonna\nripple out of this, Dad.", "I promise.", "Great, I've angered the Frog King.", "Later that night, some\ngood did ripple out.", "Hey.", "What, are you here to gloat?", "No. Came here to thank you.", "For reminding me", "of why I got into\nlaw in the first place:", "to fight for the little guy.", "Which is why", "I said \"Hasta Lucia\" to my firm,", "and took a job at your firm, brobeans.", "Don't \"brobeans\" me.", "My boss would never hire you\nafter the way you lied to us.", "I told him I'd take\nevery last bit of manipulation,", "deception, and accidental pen-dropping", "I used against you guys and put\nit towards saving the world.", "Even if that's true,", "I'm still not sure that\nI can forgive you.", "Would you object to an\n11:15 brunch rezzy for two", "tomorrow at the Popover Pantry?", "I'll allow it.", "Yes! The Brunch Bros are back!", "And thank God we were, because...", "well, what he said next", "is the reason that I'm\nsitting in this chair.", "Seriously,", "thanks... for giving my\nsoul a little redempsh.", "And B-T-dubs, that\njudge was an idiot.", "It's people like you,", "people with hope and vision and integ,", "that should be behind that\nbench making the calls.", "And that's when I\nrealized I wanted to be a judge.", "Because judges", "are the ones who can effect real change.", "And that's why I'm here,", "before the New York\nState Judiciary Committee.", "I hope that you will consider me", "for an appointment to a judgeship.", "Thank you, Mr. Eriksen.", "The panel will take\nthis under advisement.", "Take your time.", "It could be a few months.", "Better tell my wife I\nwon't be home for dinner.", "Get out.", "Hey.", "Hey.", "How are you? Uh, great. You?", "So gr...", "Can we talk about this for a second?", "Yeah.", "It is super-weird between\nus, and I don't want it to be.", "Me, neither.", "So let me just say this.", "I'm done.", "You don't have to worry anymore.", "What do you mean?", "I'm done trying to get you.", "I can't do it anymore.", "I'm sorry it's taken me this\nlong to figure it out,", "but I promise...", "I'm done making a fool of myself.", "Barney, you haven't been\nmaking a fool out of yourself...", "It's okay.", "It's okay.", "I want it to be okay.", "So here's what's gonna happen.", "I'm gonna get us two drinks,", "come back and comment on\nthe likely size and color", "of the nipples on that\nredhead at the bar,", "with the big, dark nipples.", "And you're gonna be grossed out,", "but you're gonna laugh a little\nanyway, and then you'll tell", "a funny story about \"that\nbitch Patrice\" at work,", "but neither one of us are gonna say,", "\"Hey, how's it going\n?\" or \"Good to see you!\"", "Because it really will\nbe good to see you.", "Think we can swing that?", "Yeah, I do.", "Badass.", "Huh.", "Thanks for your support,\nguys. It means a lot.", "We'll call in sick\nanytime you have a problem.", "Lily coming!", "Lily coming!", "Badass."], "How I Met Your Mother S08E09 Lobster Crawl": ["Well, it's come to this...\nwe're drinking with our baby in a bar.", "It is not a bar.", "It's a restaurant\nthat happens to have a bar.", "Ergo, we are good parents.", "Unrelated: I'm getting faced right now.", "Papa needs a grease coat.", "While it is heartwarming to watch", "your firstborn teethe\non a jalape\u00f1o popper,", "wasn't Mickey gonna watch him today?", "My dad's out all week.", "He's got the sniffles.", "For someone who's\nsurvived numerous beatings", "from loan sharks, he has", "a surprisingly delicate constitution.", "Well, my semester's over", "and the GNB building is finally done.", "If you guys want, I'm\nfree to watch Marvin.", "I'm meeting with a headhunter", "next week to line up", "my next project, but\nuntil then, what the hell?", "Ted, although a\n\"what the hell\" attitude is", "incredibly sought after in a babysitter,", "I think that Lily and Marshall...", "You're hired.", "Now that we've been", "parents for awhile, we realize", "that pretty much any\nmoron can take care of a baby.", "Thank you.", "Mine!", "Ow.", "Delicious and mine.", "They do look yummy yum-yum, mister.", "No. No!", "What have I done?", "I am so sorry, Cornelius.", "You deserve a better end than this!", "You got ketchup on a red tie.", "You can't even see it.", "Clear!", "I'm going in.", "Oh, my...", "Damn it, guys, we lost him.", "And he was so close to retirement.", "Just this morning he said to me,", "\"I'm getting too old for this shirt\".", "I know, dude.", "Oh, my God.", "You are such a good folder.", "That's, like, The Gap good.", "Robin...", "let's go hit the bar.", "At this restaurant.", "I think they have a bar here.", "Okay, what was that? What was what?", "The \"dumb cheerleader\nflirting with the quarterback\" thing.", "You looked like you were gonna", "chase Barney down with", "a sixer of watermelon wine coolers.", "First of all, those bad\ngirls come in fourskis.", "And second, why would I\nbe flirting with Barney?", "I'm not interested in him,\nand I made that very clear.", "With something that I did.", "Recently.", "Just spill it.", "The other week, Barney made a move,", "but I turned him down.", "I felt awful for\nclosing the door in his face,", "but he realized I was right.", "I'm done trying to get you.", "I can't do it anymore.", "And now I get it. Get what?", "You may have closed the\ndoor on Barney, but he locked it.", "What? No, he didn't.", "Yeah, he got the last word,", "and now you want", "what you can't have, like you always do.", "It's the classic lobster situation.", "I'm afraid you're allergic to lobster.", "You can never, ever, ever have it.", "Oh, this... is... delicious.", "Once you learned you\ncouldn't have lobster,", "you became obsessed.", "Barney's the same thing.", "And this is gonna blow up in your face,", "just like the lobster blew up your face.", "Wrong. This is nothing like lobster.", "Okay.", "Just remember, you can\nnever hook up with Barney again.", "That's fine. Never.", "Ever, ever, ever, ever.", "Oh, no.", "Marshall, Lily and Ted can't make it,", "for viable reasons I just learned", "via this text message\nI accidentally deleted.", "Guess it's just gonna be you and me.", "Fine by me.", "Me, too. Totally.", "Supafine.", "Hey there, Scherbats, your\nvoice of reason here.", "What you doing?", "I hope you don't mind,", "but I was hungry, so I\nordered MacLaren's new special.", "I couldn't eat lunch at\nwork because they ordered", "Thai food.", "I miss you, Cornelius!", "Oh, my God.", "You're so sensitive.", "And deep.", "No. You're better than this.", "Barney is not like lobster.", "Okay, that's\nunfortunate, but it doesn't mean", "you have to hook up with Barney.", "Whoa!", "God, you said that out loud!", "No, I didn't.", "How would you know?\nYou're out of control.", "Oh, you think you're so\nsmart, don't you, bitch?", "Um, billion-dollar idea alert.", "Why should bibs only\nbe socially acceptable", "when you're eating lobster?", "If we could wear them all the time,", "then Corny would still be", "with us right now.", "I miss...", "Picture a bib that looks like your suit:", "a collar, a tie, a jacket.", "Mm-hmm.", "Atta girl. Keep it cool.", "I could call them Brobibs!", "That's interesting.", "Yeah, you got this.", "I'm sorry I called you a bitch.", "What do you think?", "Oh, that idea's amazeballs!", "That's it. I'm out of here.", "I'm out of control.", "I came this close", "to telling Barney that I wanted him.", "Robin, as your\nfriend, I got to be honest.", "I think this Brobibs\nthing is a frickin' gold mine.", "What? No.", "Lily, I really need advice.", "Okay.", "Invest now.", "Seriously, it's like\nApple at ten dollars a share.", "Lily, please.", "Okay, I'm sorry.", "I'm just, I'm a little distracted.", "I got to get upstairs", "and check on Ted and Marvin.", "Can we please just talk about this\nBrobib thing another time?", "How was your day?", "Good, although I\nthink I just saw a woman", "with a full beard outside.", "Marvin crawled!", "What?", "He's never done that before.", "I know!", "I think I just saw a\nguy with breasts outside.", "Marvin crawled.", "I can't believe it. Believe it.", "I took a video for you.", "You're doing it, Marvin.", "Go, go, go, go, go.", "Oh!", "Your Uncle Ted is so proud.", "Whoops.", "Guess I had the camera flipped.", "I use it to check my teeth for debris.", "Ooh, sounds like somebody's\n\"crawling\" me.", "Oh, sweetie, oh, come on.", "Lil, listen, so we missed\nthe first time he crawled.", "So what?", "We'll see it the next time, I promise.", "Oh, my God, he just did it again!", "Guys, get in here! Marvin\ncan't stop crawling!", "He's Holden Crawl-field!", "Get in here right\nnow... nope, nope, it's over.", "Okay, hey, I know.", "Baby, I know, I know.", "But, listen, there will be plenty\nof other Marvin firsts.", "His first day at school,", "his first trip to meet Santa,", "his first touchdown pass for", "the 2032 Super Bowl\nchampion Vikings... no pressure.", "I'll love him even if he\nruns the ball into the end zone.", "So can we please just\nlet this crawling thing go?", "Yeah, okay. You're right.", "I mean, I'm being nuts.", "We'll see it when we see it.", "Yeah.", "Do it.", "If you ever want to see\nthese boobs again,", "crawl, you son of a me.", "Come on, Lil.", "You know what they say: a\nwatched tot never crawls.", "Or calls you later in life,", "after it sees this disturbing footage.", "Hey, Lily, Marshall.", "Uh, Lily, we need to talk.", "Oh, that sounds serious!", "Oh, you guys should talk about it", "down at the bar until\nafter Marvin's asleep.", "And if you want to stay down there until", "after SportsCenter's\nover, that's fine, too.", "Ooh.", "Keep shooting.", "If you miss it, I'm leaving you.", "Yeah, that seems about right.", "Sorry if I'm bad company.", "I'm not sure anything is gonna", "take my mind off of\nmissing Marvin's first crawl.", "Lily, I've had a revelation.", "Brobibs for women.", "Bitchbibs!", "You know Barney's gonna sue us,", "but damn it, let's just go for it.", "No, Lily, this is serious.", "When that doctor told\nme I couldn't eat lobster", "and I did it\nanyway, it almost killed me.", "But here's the thing:", "I never wanted lobster again.", "So the solution is obvious.", "The only way to get Barney\nout of my system", "is to get him into my\nsystem, one last time.", "It's brilliant, right?", "Not brilliant at all.", "Thanks for being on board. Not on board.", "It means a lot. Big mistake.", "You're my girl.", "Now it's just a\nquestion of how to get him...", "Hey, Robin, I just got your text.", "What's the big emergency?", "Hi, Barney!", "You seem like you run fast.", "Do you want me to fan\nyou with my US magazine?", "He's fine. Thanks, Patrice.", "Oh, thank goodness you're here.", "I just got this new printer,", "and I need somebody big and strong", "to take it to my office for me.", "I promise to repay you.", "We'll do it for you, Robin!", "Don't you have a late-breaking\nweather story to cover, Brandi?", "Oh, I did it already.", "It rained.", "Oh, I got to jump on", "a big Brobibs conference call.", "The lawyer from Dude\nAprons is really busting my balls.", "See ya.", "Nobody asked for your help, Patrice!", "You either, Brandi!", "Stop it.", "Hey, hey.", "What are you guys doing slobbering\nall over my friend?", "Oh, Barney, don't be jealous.", "If you're gonna drool, do it in style!", "Just go to Brobibs.com.", "We've got every look in the book.", "The Business Casual.", "The Preppy.", "The Robin Williams.", "Bib up!", "Brobibs is in no way affiliated with,", "inspired by or\nderivative of Dude Aprons.", "Hey, there.", "Hey!", "It is so good to see you.", "Thanks, Robin.", "This game affects my league score.", "Look, I don't agree with\nyour lobster quest,", "but I can't stand watching\nyou make a fool of yourself.", "You want the fix? I got the fix.", "Back in college...", "it was love at first\nsight for me and Marshall,", "but when it came to\nmaking the first move, well,", "he needed help.", "So I took matters into my own hands.", "Let's get out of here.", "You just need a girl who, I don't know,", "gets a few drinks in\nher and wants to have fun", "and put on a show. Mm-hmm.", "And it drives guys\ncrazy, 'cause you both", "don't even care.", "It's just stupid and fun.", "Lily, that sounds perfect. Thank you.", "Mm. Just stupid.", "Stupid and fun.", "Who the hell is that?", "Hey, guys.", "Barney, this is Brandi,\nmy fun friend from work,", "who just doesn't even care.", "Hello, Brandi.", "Congratulations on the gig.", "Aw, thank you!", "World Wide News is an\namazing place to work.", "Not that gig, sweetheart.", "Marshall!", "What? Ow.", "It's late.", "I'm so tipsy.", "It is late. We should get out of here.", "So, Brandi, ever sneak into the studio", "and do it in front of the weather map?", "No. Why do you ask?", "No reason.", "Someone is about to\nget unseasonably banged.", "Damn it!", "What did I do wrong?", "Nothing. It was\nawesome. Oh, Marshall, let's go!", "Hey. Hey, Lilypad!", "So, don't be upset.", "Ted...", "took Marvin shopping", "and sort of bought him...", "all his winter clothes.", "Get ready", "for our star runway model...", "or should I say, our\nstar crawlway model.", "He's doing it again,\nguys! Get in here!", "N- No-no,\nit's over.", "That's it. Ted's fired.", "Fired? No, c-come on,\nLily, he's helping us out.", "Plus, next week, your dad'll be back,", "and Ted has the\nmeeting with that headhunter.", "Let's just stay cool.", "Starting at quarterback,", "the pride of Cleveland...", "Marvin Eriksen! Right?", "Right, guys? He's gonna\nbe a little Browns fan.", "Oh, by the way, I cancelled\nthat meeting with the headhunter,", "so I can take care of Marvin next week.", "What? No, no, my\ndad'll be better by then.", "Oh, I gave Mickey the month off.", "It's supposed to snow, and,\nuh, Uncle Ted doesn't want to miss", "Marvin's first sleigh ride.", "You're fired. You're fired.", "Marvin has a bib with\nlittle... little dinosaurs on it.", "Maybe you should make one like that.", "Brobibs are for grown\nmen wearing bibs, Ted.", "I don't want them looking like idiots.", "Lily, Marshall, you know\nyou can't keep him away from me.", "He's gonna start asking questions.", "Calm down, Ted.", "We-we just wanted to apologize.", "We overreacted before.", "Mm-hmm.", "Meet us", "at the swim class you apparently\nsigned Marvin up for.", "Bubble Buddies? I'd love t...", "I mean, I'll have to check my skedge.", "Sorry. When I'm excited,", "I abbreviate words I shouldn't.", "Come on, Ted,", "what do you say?", "Fab. Perf.", "Sorry.", "See you at B-Buds.", "Bubble Buddies. Sorry.", "Augie. Jayden.", "Dylan. Girl Dylan.", "Hey, Ted. Hey. Where's Marvin?", "Does Coach Amber have him\nwarming up in the Jacooz?", "Sorry again.", "Aw, hey, buddy, listen,\nwe wanted to talk to you", "about how you've kind of\nbeen overdoing it with Marvin.", "I haven't been overdoing it.", "Ted, we're in a baby swim class,", "and clearly you've done\nsomething extreme", "to get the naming\nrights to that lollipop bin.", "But I think that we've", "figured out what's going on with you.", "See, after we let you go...", "What is this?", "Marvin's Book of Firsts?", "Ted took Marvin to see Santa?", "Oh, I am gonna take this book", "and I'm gonna shove it so far up his...", "The point is, it made us remember", "another scrapbook you made.", "That project really was your baby,", "and now it's over, and you're\nscared to move on.", "I poured my blood, sweat and\ntears into that building.", "Though, to be fair, a\nlot of that happened", "the day I accidentally\nfell down the elevator shaft.", "Mm.", "The point is,", "it's just really hard to let go.", "Especially when that\nbuilding's my biggest accomplishment.", "I mean,", "maybe if I was where you\nguys are at in life,", "with all you have to be proud of...", "We get it, okay?", "You're always gonna be Uncle Ted.", "But if Marvin", "can't be your next project,", "you need one of your own,", "and so we rescheduled your\nmeeting with that headhunter.", "He's over there.", "Which one is he?", "Thanks, guys.", "Marvin and I are\nlucky you're our parents.", "Aw.", "Oh, hey, Ted?", "It's kind of a big,\nprofessional meeting...", "you might want to\ntrade out that lollipop", "for a shirt. Yeah.", "I'll just give it to one\nof these kids. Oh, buddy.", "What? You're half naked,", "you're not a parent\nto any of these children...", "don't offer 'em candy.", "I can't believe\nBarney went home with Brandi.", "I should have asked you\nto do that play with me.", "Well, it's too late now, isn't it?", "There he is. Straddle\nme. Start grinding.", "Nothing's off-limits.", "So, last night", "Brandi and I got to the WWN studios,", "and my high-pressure system", "was ready to slam into her warm front.", "The studio's unlocked,", "the weather map's up...", "ready to do it in 17 different\nstates at once?", "Um, actually...", "I don't think I want that.", "I'm sorry.", "I'm-I'm...", "I'm gonna go.", "Wait, you didn't sleep with her?", "Nope.", "I spent the night thinking about", "how everything I've done\nsince Quinn and I broke up", "has been a cry for help.", "Dressing a dog up like me,", "hooking up with all those nannies...", "Brobibs? No, those are solid.", "I still want in.", "And I realized that... I'm searching,", "searching for what I\nreally want in life,", "and you know what?", "I have absolutely no idea what that is.", "Wow.", "Barney... But...", "I'm going to figure it out.", "I have to.", "Good night, guys.", "God, I feel awful.", "Barney is", "going through something big,", "and I've been obsessing about\none stupid final hookup", "to get him out of my system.", "He needs space...", "and time to figure things out.", "And I have to give it to him.", "Robin? What are you\ndoing here? It's okay", "if you don't know what\nyou want in life...", "as long as you know what you want...", "tonight.", "Well...", "I do know what I want.", "Hi, Robin!", "Nobody asked you here, Patrice!", "Actually, I did.", "Last night.", "Let me go see if the studio's open.", "All right.", "Oh, hi, Barney.", "I'm working late.", "What are you doing here?", "I'm...", "I don't know what I'm doing... here.", "Barney... I don't\nknow you that well, but...", "are you okay?", "Yeah. What do you mean?", "Well, whenever I see someone unhappy,", "I get the urge to give them cookies,", "and I really want to give\nyou cookies right now.", "Cookie?", "Lame. No, thanks.", "You sure? They're heart-shaped.", "Sorry, a couple of them are broken.", "I know how they feel. I'd love one.", "After that, I sent Brandi packing,", "and Patrice and I talked all night.", "We're...", "kind of on a date right now.", "But if you'd like to\nthrow on some clothes", "and join us for Crazy Eights...", "I can deal you in!", "My deck has puppies on it!", "Arf-arf!", "Um...", "I...", "got to go.", "Look, I still feel bad I went too far", "with all the Marvin\nfirsts... the Santa thing, especially.", "I mean, I should've known.", "Are you sure you guys forgive me?", "Absolutely. Don't worry, no grudges.", "Great. Next round's on me.", "Coming, honey!", "Okay, you guys have all\nthe numbers... my cell,", "the restaurant, Center\nfor Disease Control?", "She's with her Aunt\nLily and Uncle Marshall.", "Nothing's gonna happen.", "You're right.", "You're totally right.", "Okay...", "Bye, sweetie.", "Here, you...", "Mm...", "Get out of here, ya crazy. Would\nyou get out of here already.", "Who's ready to meet Santa?"], "How I Met Your Mother S08E10 The Over-Correction": ["Lily, I just saw the worst thing ever!", "Kind of busy right now, Marshall.", "Quiet. He can hear you.", "Who's \"he\"?", "He's coming! Everyone shut up!", "Okay, kids, you're probably\nwondering how", "we all got here.", "Oh, hey, buddy, can we borrow\nyour air mattress?", "My mom's coming into\ntown for a few days.", "Absolutely not.", "Bummer, I guess she can't stay with us.", "Hey, look, what I just found.", "A list of hotels and other\ncreative housing options.", "Baby, my mom is not staying at a hotel.", "Or our storage unit.", "Why can't we borrow your air mattress?", "Because when you animals borrow things,", "you never return them.", "That's ridiculous.", "No, my Cleveland, Ohio,\nChamber of Commerce", "mini-cooler is ridiculous.", "Ridiculous at keeping stuff cold", "while also promoting Ohio's\nsecond-largest rubber producer.", "Watch your back, Akron.", "I totally gave that back.", "And what about that\n\"Vote For Ted\" hoodie", "from when I ran for treasurer\nin high school?", "Mrs. Gooding said my concession\nspeech was, \"full of grace\".", "I don't recall borrowing that.", "And whatever happened\nto my limited edition DVD", "of the classic 1989\nSilverman-McCarthy romp,", "Weekend at Bernie's,\n\"borrowed\" well over six months ago?", "Yeah, I'm keeping that.", "Those extra features are awesome.", "And that making-of documentary?", "\"How Bernie Avoided The Gurney:\nA Cinematic Journey\".", "Look, I'm just tired\nof people borrowing things", "and never returning them.", "If you don't believe me,\nask my ex-friend Stuart.", "Ted, I gave your red cowboy boots back", "the day after Halloween.", "How could you lie to me\nright to my face, Stuart?", "You are a horrible human being.", "Congrats on your daughter's christening.", "And where's the worst abuser\nof my generosity, Barney?", "Or should I say, \"Borrow-ney\"?", "You should never say that.", "And I think he's out with Patrice.", "Uch, Patrice? That's still happening?", "Kids, you remember Patrice.", "She worked with your Aunt Robin.", "Robin! You left your purse\nat the vending machine,", "and some guy tried to steal it!", "I fought him off, but I think\nI dislocated my shoulder.", "You scratched the leather! Oh!", "Can't you do anything right, Patrice?", "That Barney-and-Patrice\nthing is so bogus.", "He's clearly trying to get back at me", "for rejecting him.", "Um, Robin, after you rejected Barney,", "didn't he reject you?", "And didn't you go", "over to his place and\ntry to sleep with him", "in your purple-and-\nblack underwear?", "Hey... Lil, feel free\nto disregard that", "\"Don't tell anyone\nabout this ever\" thing.", "She has your mini-cooler.", "I knew it!", "But seriously, what other reason would", "Barney have to date Patrice?", "It's an over-correction.", "How dare you? What is that?", "Barney was engaged to Quinn, a stripper\nhe never really trusted.", "So he overcorrects\nby dating her opposite:", "Warm and nurturing Patrice.", "That does happen, like Ted.", "After you broke up with\nsweet innocent Victoria.", "No, you hang up first.", "No, you hang up first.", "No, you hang up first.", "Hang up, you little bitch!", "Over-correction.", "Yeah. And it's not just relationships.", "Remember when that\ncomedy club owner told Marshall", "that his \"funny\nfish names\" stand-up act", "didn't have enough edge?", "Flounder? I barely know her! Oh!", "Over-correction.", "Although it was better\nthan his Chris Rock rip-off.", "A trout with a daughter has one job.", "One job!", "To keep her off the fishing pole!", "You suck!", "Lily!", "I'm a little worried about Ted.", "I mean, we're parents now,\nand even Barney is moving on.", "I just wish he had someone to talk to.", "Even for a week.", "Or you know, four days, three nights.", "My mom is not staying with Ted!", "He'd love her bacon\n- gummy bear pancakes.", "I'm her special boy, I get\nher special pancakes.", "But my dad is here\nnannying all the time.", "Then add your mom in?", "This place is crowded enough already.", "Hey, Lil,", "let me know how the pump's working.", "I cleaned it for you.", "It's fine, Dad.\n- Yeah, I had", "to check the suction,\nso I tested it on myself.", "Oh, no.", "Don't worry, the suction's fine,", "actually kind of nice.", "Okay, Barney is so not\nfor real about Patrice.", "Today he did the craziest,", "most clearly staged\nfor my benefit thing ever.", "Hey, Patrice, you ready for lunch?", "Sure.", "Right, right?", "I mean,", "what's next, birthday gifts?", "Wake up, people, this is\nnot an overcorrection,", "it's fraud, and we need\nto keep trying to stop this.", "What do you mean, \"keep trying\"?", "Barney is not who you think he is.", "What do you mean?", "Well, he has a book of plays he uses", "to trick women into sleeping with him.", "Oh, no way, Barney's my honey bear.", "Actually, one of his plays\nis called The Honey Bear.", "He dresses up like Winnie the Pooh,", "and the next thing you know,\nhis hand's stuck in your pot.", "Robin, you're a doll\nfor worrying about me,", "but that doesn't\nsound at all like my Barney.", "Why won't you let me\nhelp you, Patrice?", "And she can't see\nthat Barney is using her,", "and it breaks my heart.", "You know, I love Patrice.", "We're like sisters.", "You've never gotten\nthrough even one exchange", "without screaming at her.", "Sisters fight, Ted!", "But the bond is always there.", "Okay?\n- Okay.", "And that's why I need\nto steal The Playbook", "and show it to Patrice,\nso she'll believe me.", "Or you could do almost anything else", "and not sound so creepy.", "Robin, seriously, this\nobsession isn't healthy.", "Just let it go.", "Maybe you guys are right.", "Thanks for talking some sense into me.", "Lily, can I ask you a question?", "If it's \"Did somebody put gravel", "in the couch cushions\nyou're sleeping on,\"", "absolutely not.", "What would be the motive?", "No, it's not that.", "Uh, don't tell Marshall\nbecause he's not ready,", "but I think I might want", "to get back out there\nand meet a nice man.", "Wow, that's great, Judy.", "And I thought you might be able to help", "because you always look so good.", "You think I look good?", "I mean, you dress\nlike a Duluth streetwalker,", "but my son seems to like it.", "I'll take it.", "So, any advice?", "Well, first I'd\nthrow out any giant sweater", "with a horse on it.", "Even the ones...?\n- Even the ones", "that have manes with\nreal horse hair, yes.", "And second, I'd let the gals\nout to play a little more.", "The gals?", "Oh...", "you mean the Minnesota Twins.", "Meanwhile, Robin was about to give up", "on ever finding The Playbook until...", "Ugh, the Bro Code, damn it.", "David Lee Roth's autobiography?", "Crap.", "\"To the best wingman ever.", "\"We'll always have Panama.", "Love, Diamond Dave\".", "Patrice, it's really nice of\nyou to buy Robin a new purse,", "but it's not your fault that\nthe other one got scratched.", "Anyway, just get yourself over here.", "I've got the tree, the decorations,", "and the know-how from Lethal Weapon 2", "to pop that shoulder\nright back into place.", "Yep, there is not one reason\nto leave this apartment", "for even a second tonight.", "Ow.", "How's my favorite architect?\nOther than incredibly handsome.", "Hey, Mom.", "No, it's Robin.", "What do you need?", "For reasons that aren't important,", "I'm trapped in Barney's closet.", "Help get me out, and I'll return\nyour Weekend at Bernie's DVD.", "No way, that's not enough to get\nme involved in your crazy mess.", "I'll also go with you", "to the five-day fan convention\nin the desert.", "You'll come with me to Bernie Man?", "Yes, just hurry.", "Ooh...", "someone's excited to see me.", "Who's Mama's big boy?", "Who is Mama's big boy?", "Wait.", "I am.", "Mickey?", "And I've been bad.", "Get off my mommy.", "Hugh Hefner in your lobby right now.", "I'm gonna grab my robe.", "\"Teddy's first Christmas\"?", "Barney, are these my ornaments?", "That could be anyone's\nbaby handprint, Ted.", "Now, come on, Hef's old,\nbut he moves like a cheetah.", "Why would you do that...", "with Mickey?", "I've been lonely,\nMarshall, and all the men", "in St. Cloud's idea of romance\nis taking me ice fishing.", "That was me and your father's thing.", "Plus,", "call it an overcorrection,\nbut it's kind of nice", "being with a sophisticated,\nbig-city man.", "You know, I don't know\nwhat the big deal is.", "You've been bumping uglies\nwith my daughter for years.", "The second I climb up on your\nmom, it's the end of the world?", "How could you think that was Hef?", "It was an honest mistake.", "That guy was black, Ted.", "I guess I just don't notice\nthat kind of stuff.", "We'll get to the grotto one day, my pet.", "One day.", "How's my favorite architect?", "Other than well-endowed.", "Mom?", "No, it's Robin again.", "Look, you've got to come\nback in and get my purse.", "Nope, I'm done. Bye, Robin.", "Wait!", "What if I told you I was looking at", "your red cowboy boots right now?", "Describe them.", "They're red and they're cowboy boots.", "That's them!", "Why are they at Barney's?", "Hey, Barney.", "Just returning Ted's boots\nI borrowed for Halloween.", "You were a cowboy?", "No, my wife was Wonder Woman.", "Can you believe Ted thinks a guy\ncan get laid wearing these?", "Challenge accepted.", "Do you know what that sound is, Ted?", "That's a red boot", "about to be savagely\ncut up by my pocketknife!", "You mean my pocketknife. I lent\nit to you two years ago.", "Hey.", "Sorry about the Hugh Hefner mix-up.", "But seriously, Jon Bon\nJovi is downstairs.", "You sure it isn't my landlady,\nMrs. Takahashi?", "I'm serious.", "The janitor just mopped the floor.", "Bon Jovi is literally\nstanding next to a sign", "that says \"Slippery When Wet\".", "Uh-uh. I want those ornaments back.", "Damn it, Ted!", "You get those ornaments all year.", "I just need 'em for Christmas!", "Oh. Hey, Patrice.", "Did you have any\ntrouble finding Rudolph?", "No, it was right on Ted's\nfire escape like you said.", "Are you sure he's okay\nwith us borrowing it?", "Positive.", "I got your purse.\n- Oh, Ted, you're the best!", "But I'm trapped in Barney's\nliving room closet.", "Oh, Ted, you're the worst.", "Okay, enough messing around.\nI'm calling in The Wolf.", "Lily?\n- Lily.", "What are you doing here?\nWhat are you doing here?", "Hold on, Marshall's calling\nme on the other line.", "Lily, I just saw the worst thing ever.", "Kind of busy right now, Marshall.", "Quiet. He can hear you.", "Who's \"he\"?", "He's coming! Everyone shut up!", "I'm just gonna grab this star\nto put on top of the tree.", "It's gonna be legend...\nwait for it... merry!", "What are you doing here, Lily?", "I've been using Barney's apartment", "to pump milk for Marvin.", "What? Why?", "Our apartment is so crowded these days,", "I don't get a minute to myself!", "I have a key to Barney's apartment,", "he has a kick-ass couch,", "and he DVR's all the\nReal Housewives shows,", "including the reunion specials.", "What are you doing here?", "I came to get The Playbook", "so I could show Patrice\nwho Barney really is.", "Why can't you just let them be happy?", "Because they're not really happy, Lily!", "Patrice, can you grab my\ncomputer from the bedroom?", "I want to change my\nFacebook status to \"happy!\"", "You shouldn't have that.", "You're right.", "What?", "Where is Ted?", "My label maker!", "No! I'm never coming out!", "You know, Marshall, you've been\nin there for a while now.", "And I couldn't help but notice\nyou chugged that Super Big Gulp.", "It's not gonna work, Mickey.", "My bladder's as big as your betrayal!", "I see. So it's not gonna\nbother you to think", "about leaky faucets or open hydrants,", "or rushing rivers, or...", "Oh, God, I got to pee. Oh!", "What is this?", "Where did you find that?", "I didn't want to believe\nthat this existed,", "but is this... The Playbook?", "Let's see him lie his\nway out of this one.", "Yes, it is.", "These are all the tricks I used\nto get women to sleep with me.", "What do you mean, tricks?", "Like...", "\"The\nTwo-Can-Play-at-That Game\".", "Can I help you?", "I'm sorry to be the one\nto tell you this, but...", "my wife is having an affair\nwith your husband.", "I even found a list of every dirty way", "they've enjoyed each others' bodies.", "I wish there was some way\nwe could get back at them.", "There is.", "We can kill them.", "I'm sorry to be the\none to tell you this...", "You're not who I thought you were.", "Patrice, I...", "I need some air.", "I...", "Come on, Patrice, you...", "You have got to be kidding me.", "Wait. Is that my mini-cooler?", "Not now, Ted. Let's go!", "Shh! Shh!", "Patrice, I have done", "some sleazy stuff to seduce women, but", "I want to be a better person.", "You make me want to be a better person.", "I can't be with a man\nwho has a playbook.", "I understand.", "Whoa.", "Whoa!\n- Whoa!", "Whoa!", "Is that my garbage can?", "I knew you were a keeper.", "Oh.", "I should go explain this to the super.", "Hey, come with. There's a small chance", "Jon Bon Jovi's down in the lobby.", "\"You Give Love a Bad Name\"\nis the first track", "on my \"Get Psyched\" mix!", "Mine, too!", "You still don't believe\nthose two are for real?", "I'll take that.", "The Ted Mosby Store\nis officially closed.", "What spilled in here?", "Breast milk.", "Seriously, I give and give,", "and all I ask back is a\nlittle bit of respect.", "Okay, so tonight got weird.", "You have no idea.", "My mom's apparently ready\nto get back out there.", "Marshall, she told me all about it,", "and I was happy to help.", "You helped? Why?", "I know it's hard to think of\nyour mom as a woman with needs,", "but you have to let her get out there", "and rediscover her sexuality\nwith someone special.", "Oh, you don't know.", "No... Marshall, I do know.", "You just think it's gross\nbecause it's your parent.", "But you know what?", "It's beautiful.\n- Mm.", "My mom", "and your dad are humping.", "I think you should be happy for them.", "What? Why?", "What is good about this?", "Well, first of all, respect to Mickey.", "Your mom's a piece.", "She's no Ted's mom, but she's a piece.", "And secondly,", "I mean, it's nice\nthat they found each other.", "Sometimes you fall for someone\nyou'd never expect,", "but that doesn't make it wrong.", "Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?", "I guess none of us\nthought of it that way.", "Next round's on me.", "Wow.", "I know.", "Barney's lost it. He\nneeds an intervention.", "Oh!\n- Oh! Oh...", "Robin, after everything we've seen,", "do you still think\nBarney's faking this?", "No, but we have to stop it.", "Barney is not Barney anymore.", "Well, people change.", "But not this fast and this drastically.", "This is a cry for help, okay?", "If I was out of control, I\nwould want you guys to help me.", "So, what do you say? Intervention?", "Intervention.", "Oh, good. You're all here.", "Um,", "when Barney shows up,", "it's important for him\nnot to feel ganged up on,", "so, let's start with...", "\"We love you, and\nwe're worried about you\".", "We love you, and\nwe're worried about you.", "Oh. Great.", "But you know, with less\npity in your eyes.", "Sweetie, sit down.", "Uh, no. Only the person getting\nthe intervention sits down.", "Yeah.", "Oh.", "Please tell me this\nis about my drinking.", "Damn it.", "So, we... we just wanted to say", "that we're sorry for\nthe way that we acted", "when we found out about you two.", "Your happiness is\nwhat is most important,", "so, if you two want\nto date, it's okay by us.", "Who said anything about dating?", "This is just about sex.", "We're family... with benefits."], "How I Met Your Mother S08E11 The Final Page Part One": ["Can I get you guys anything to drink?", "Scotch, neat.", "Jinx.", "Oh, my...", "God.", "Kids, you may be\nwondering why five adults", "in their 30s would\ntake a jinx so seriously.", "It all started one day five years ago.", "Ooh, Van Helsing. Ooh, Van Helsing.", "Jinx. You're jinxed.", "That means that you can't\nspeak until someone", "who was present for\nthe jinx says your name,", "or else", "you will have very bad luck.", "That's ridiculous.", "You broke the jinx.", "Marshall, I'm a grown-ass man.", "I'm on my building's co-op board.", "When I say a Pinot Noir\ntastes luxuriously earthy", "with a hint of\nrhubarb, I'm not faking it.", "I've had several", "of the same sexual\npartners as Henry Kissinger.", "I'm not about to stop\ntalking just because I was jinxed.", "Barney broke three limbs", "and two vertebrae,", "but he never broke another jinx.", "In fact, he started\ntaking jinxes way too seriously.", "Barney, I'm on hold with Sports Talk AM", "to talk to my childhood\nhero from the Minnesota Twins.", "Who's your childhood hero?", "Frank Viola. Frank Viola... jinx!", "Hello, this is Frank.", "Anyone there?", "Hello?", "I can hear you breathing, you coward.", "So, when someone finally jinxed Barney", "for the first time in years,", "we were pretty psyched.", "The reign of terror is over!", "I've had this cigar in\nmy pocket for two years,", "waiting for this moment.", "Aw, that would've been\ngood about two years ago.", "Cheers.", "Huzzah! Huzzah.", "Oh, oh, oh, you want us to say your name", "and un-jinx you?", "I don't think so, pal.", "This is gonna be a long jinx.", "Like Yom Kippur services long.", "The only difference\nis, Yom Kippur's a fast", "and this one's gonna be a slow.", "Oh!\n- Now, Ted,", "I was wondering if you could expand\nupon what you were saying", "earlier about antiquated currency.", "Ah, yes, yes.", "Contrary to popular belief,", "the buffalo nickel was\nmodeled on the Black Diamond bison", "rather than the more\niconic Western Plains bison.", "To wit,", "if President Taft had had his way,", "we'd all be talking about\nthe egret nickel.", "In the winter of 2012 the skyscraper", "that I designed was about to open,", "which got me thinking about\nthe most influential", "architecture professor I ever had.", "So when the children of\nour grandchildren's children", "ask us \"Who were we,\" they'll\nfind the answer carved", "into the granite\npoetry of our architecture.", "Okay.", "It doesn't get any better than that.", "Class dismissed.", "Wow, just wow.", "Do you need something?", "I have an apple I was\nhoping to eat in silence.", "Of course, Professor Vinick, I...", "I sketched out a design,", "and it'd be such an\nhonor if you took a look at it.", "Oh, well.", "It is believed", "that it took the pharaohs over 100 years", "to build the Sphinx.", "So...", "you think...", "I should spend more time on it?", "Oh, dear God, no.", "This is terrible.", "Then, why'd you mention the Sphinx?", "I find my mind is often with the Sphinx.", "Anyway, you'll never be an architect.", "You'll never be an architect.", "You'll never be an architect.", "You'll never be an architect!", "Well, guess what.", "I sent Professor Vinick", "the invitation to the\nopening of my building,", "so he'll see that I\ndid become an architect,", "and that I've moved past\nhis petty, hurtful words.", "Wow.", "15 years later and\nyou're still this obsessed.", "Yeah, if Vinick ever goes missing,", "the cops are gonna come\nlooking for him in your basement.", "Totally, he's Ted's pit guy.", "How dare you?", "And what is that?", "A pit guy is someone", "you've been obsessed with for so long...", "that it's driven you crazy enough", "to throw them in a pit in your basement", "like in The Silence of the Lambs.", "I'm not gonna Silence of the Lambs him.", "At most,", "I'd Revenge of the Nerds him.", "Though I don't see a\nscenario where he agrees", "to play me in a pentathlon.", "Yeah, I'm with Ted...\nthere is no one I hate enough", "to throw into a pit.", "What?", "When Robin's most hated coworker Patrice", "started dating Barney,", "she became obsessed.", "Patrice, Patrice goes in your pit.", "Guys, I told you, I am\ndone obsessing about Patrice.", "Just drop her.", "Drop her in a pit.", "Enough.", "We all have people that we\nwould throw in our pits,", "and I'm sure we all have people", "who would like to\nthrow us in their pits.", "Yeah, if Marshall or I ever go missing,", "I'll tell you whose basement to look in.", "Daryl LaCourte.", "Oh, no.", "It's creepy Daryl.", "Let's get out of here before he sees us.", "Hey, hot sack coming through.", "Ha... ha...", "Hi, Daryl. Hey, Daryl. Hey!", "I feel like I never\nsee you guys anymore.", "Like whenever I'm getting to\na party, you're just leaving.", "Even that party", "at your place... you guys just raced off", "into the night at 7:30.", "That's weird.", "But this is", "great... the three hackmigos", "back together again.", "We played Hacky Sack\ntogether once freshman year, Daryl.", "Once.", "November 14, 1996.", "That is the best memory ever.", "Sure.", "The three hackmigos for life.", "To this day, we are\nstill getting e-mails", "and posts from Daryl.", "He has commented on every photo", "of Baby Marvin we have ever posted,", "and then", "he comments on his own comments.", "Hey, guys, look, it's Bar...", "none, my favorite", "non-speaking", "jinxed person in the world.", "How was", "your day?", "Yeah, I didn't get a word of that.", "Sorry, buddy.", "Ah, Scherbatsky, it's my\nfavorite time of year.", "Didn't know you liked Christmas so much.", "No, year-end reviews.", "We get to fire some people.", "Get into the spirit.", "Look, Sandy, you\nmight enjoy firing people", "for petty personal differences.", "I'd hardly call giving me gonorrhea", "a petty personal difference.", "But I am a professional,", "and I would never fire\nsomeone for unprofessional reasons.", "Well, somebody's got to go.", "Kids, the thing about pit people,", "sometimes you don't even\nknow you have one", "until you have a chance to push 'em in.", "Hi, Robin.", "Not happening, bro.", "Not happening, bro.", "Hand get tired?", "Not happening, bro.", "I hold in my hand", "the RSVP from Professor Vinick.", "Uh-huh.", "Ah, he's checked", "\"Will not attend,\" which is fine,", "because all I needed to\nknow was that he knows.", "So now I will throw this in the\ntrash and never look at it.", "What's this?", "\"I believe you've sent\nthis to the wrong person.", "I have no idea who Ted Mosby is\".", "Oh, you'll remember who\nI am, Professor Vinick.", "You'll never forget it.", "Not happening, bro.", "Ted, just because we're\ncoming with you to Wesleyan", "does not mean that we\ncondone your behavior.", "Just using it as an excuse", "to see the old campus...", "and maybe watch you have a\ncomplete mental breakdown.", "What are you even gonna do when\nyou see Professor Vinick?", "Oh, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.", "Sweet merciful Franks\nGehry and Lloyd Wright,", "from what brilliant mind\nwas this work of art sired?", "Mosby.", "Ted Mosby.", "Architect.", "But that's-that's...", "Impossible?", "Looks like you were wrong, Vinick.", "Dead wrong.", "No!", "Be careful, Ted.", "Revenge fantasies never work\nout the way you want.", "Especially dance\n- based revenge.", "My prom was rough, guys.", "Ooh!", "We're almost there.", "Oh, I can't wait to see the old campus.", "I'm gonna grab one of\nthose giant dining hall hot dogs.", "Oh, I love those huge wieners.", "I'm not so sure you heard me.", "I said, \"I love those huge wieners\".", "I love them.", "In my mouth.", "So, let me ask you a few questions,\nClarice... Patrice.", "How would you rate your performance", "in the last six months?", "Well, I don't like to talk about myself,", "but all my coworkers\ndeserve an A-double-plus,", "that's for suresies.", "Ooh,", "fancy lotion.", "It puts the lotion in the basket.", "It's just, this is really nice lotion.", "And what a pretty basket, Robin.", "I know, that's why I\nbought it, Patrice!", "Man, it's like", "nothing has changed. Mmm, I know.", "The bun, the relish.", "That's a knee.", "It's a beautifully drawn knee, so?", "That's a barn.", "Oh, knee barn, right.", "That's a great idea, Lily.", "On the way home, we should stop", "at the knee barn,", "pick us up some wholesale knees. Yeah.", "Marshall? Lily!", "You... you're here.", "Hi, Daryl.\n- Hi, Daryl.", "Hi.", "Wow,", "after all these years.", "You look just like\nyou do in my paintings.", "Come here, guys.", "There are men and there are gods.", "Antoni Gaud\u00ed was both.", "There are jerk faces and\nthere are buttholes.", "Professor Vinick was both.", "Good one, Ted.", "Come on, Vinick, give me an opening.", "Gaud\u00ed's architecture gave expression", "to the anarchic\ngeometric form of nature.", "\"Gaud\u00ed's architecture...\"", "Actually, that's a really good point.", "# Wow, Professor Vinick", "# Man, you taught me so much", "# About architecture and life", "# God, your lectures are so cool #", "# I'll earn your respect and\nwe'll be best friends. #", "Okay, it doesn't get\nany better than that.", "No, it doesn't.", "What are you doing here, Daryl?", "Well, I live right down the street.", "But I work right here.", "Whoa. Oh, boy.", "Are those...", "our, our faces up there, buddy?", "Hack, yeah!", "It was just as much your idea as mine", "to open up a Hacky Sack\nstore here at Wesleyan.", "So you never left?", "Once. I met a girl on Craigslist,", "and I flew to Boston to meet her.", "She was a man, 300\npounds, and robbed me.", "Still, the best night of my life.", "Until now!", "The three hackmigos\nback together again!", "You know, I've been waiting forever\nto give you something.", "You're coming with me to my house,", "and I'm not taking no for an answer.", "Dude, this is your chance.", "Set me free, and I will lie you out", "of this creepynightmare.", "This is a tough one.", "On the one hand, we might die.", "On the other, you're jinxed.", "Let me free, Marshall.", "This guy could be violent.", "Violent... Viola...", "Frank Viola.", "We would love to come\nto your house, Daryl!", "Yeah!", "Okay...", "how often are you and Barney doing it?", "That's a strange question, Robin.", "You're right.", "Maybe I should leave.", "Yeah, maybe you should.", "You're fired.", "Wow. Just wow.", "Ted Mosby. I'm a\nformer student of yours.", "You know, I actually\nbecame an architect.", "Any chance you remember me?", "Oh, please excuse me, I've\nbeen teaching for over 20 years.", "All the faces start to blend together", "unless you have a, a\nweird mustache or, or something.", "Junior year I tried to grow muttonchops,", "but people kept saying my\nface made them nauseous.", "Well, not people. You.", "Anay, I would be honored if you,", "if you took a look at my building.", "This...", "is hideous.", "You'll never be an architect.", "You'll never be an architect.", "You'll never be an architect.\nYou'll never be an architect!", "You'll never be an architect.", "Wait. I was mistaken.", "You most definitely\nwill be an architect.", "Really?", "These are astonishing,", "Handlebar Pete.", "So, when you said \"surprise\nin your house,\"", "what you really meant was\n\"surprise in the poorly lit", "windowless basement of your house\".", "Oh, you guys are gonna\nlove what I have to show you.", "I am so excited, I could\njust cry and laugh and scream", "and just punch the wall", "over and over and\nover and over and over!", "Could we just see it,", "like, up in the living room", "or anywhere less... gimp-storagey?", "I just realized", "I want to take a picture of this.", "I want to put your faces on\nmy mantel like a trophy.", "Like a trophy!", "Aah...! Aah...!", "Here I come.", "And I've got your surprise right here!", "No! We don't want your\nsurprise, Daryl!", "We're not your amigos,", "we're definitely not your hackmigos.", "And before you murder us,", "you should know that we have a child!", "He probably has eight or nine!", "What? Murder?", "I wanted to give you a check.", "For $100,000...", "for coming up with the idea of\nthe Three Hackmigos with me.", "I brought you down here to\nshow you all my inventory.", "Business has really exploded.", "I mean, I'm sort of the Mark Zuckerberg", "of jam-band concert parking\nlot athletics.", "Well, second.", "But I'm coming for you, Devil Stick Ron.", "Why would you fire me?", "Because nobody should\nbe as happy as you are.", "And also your\ncookies... they're only pretty good.", "Robin, is this really about me?", "No, it's not.", "The old \"fire and\nbang\". Respect, Scherbatsky.", "Hey, Ted, I see you're holding a\nlittle version of your building.", "So I assume it all worked out?", "I realized, since I work in\na three-dimensional medium,", "the only way to really\nstick it to Vinick would be", "with a three-dimensional model.", "Whatever you do, don't march in there", "thinking, \"I'm gonna do the worm.", "That'll show 'em!\"", "Seriously, guys,", "I can't stress\nenough how bad my prom was.", "Speaking of the past...", "Wow, we feel like idiots. We're sorry.", "You know, honestly, it's fine.", "Look how great I'm doing.", "Look at what I've built. I don't need", "the validation of some\npeople from college", "to feel good about myself.", "My life is amazing!", "I own a timeshare in St.\nBarts with P-Funk!", "The, the whole band?", "Yeah.", "Do you guys jam?", "That's all we do.", "So, you completely rejected", "the guy who's been obsessing", "about you for 16 years,\nand he was okay with it?", "Whoa.", "Is creepy Daryl more\nemotionally adjusted than I am?", "Kids, sometimes in life", "you'll make a pit for\nsomeone in your mind.", "But ultimately the only\nperson in that pit is yourself.", "I'm sorry.", "Just seeing you with\nBarney has brought up", "some old feelings, and I...", "I really don't like feelings.", "But that's not your\nfault or Barney's fault.", "It's just really\nhard seeing you with him.", "# There's been a book on\nthe side of the bed... #", "Which means there's only one person", "who can let you out of the pit.", "# Many years from now", "# I know you'll hear me somehow... #", "So you fired Patrice?", "No, she's staying.", "# The places we will go...", "Let's get out of here, guys.", "Oh, Mr. Mosby.", "You built a model of your building.", "No.", "Why? To prove some sort of point?", "This is just sad.", "No, no, I was just throwing it out.", "Sure, you were.", "No!", "No, I had a transcendent moment", "where I found emotional clarity!", "And I realize shouting that", "makes it seem like it's\nnot true, but I did!", "Yeah, we're gonna grab some snacks.", "You guys want anything?", "Spicy beef jerky.", "Got you loud and clear.", "Oh, my God! Barney!", "You unjinxed me!", "I'm free! If the bison", "on the nickel could\nhear you talk about them,", "they would diminish their population\neven further on purpose.", "If Lily wants a big wiener in\nher mouth, she's got my number.", "And I'm sorry that you took\nthe rap for all the farting on", "the car ride up here. That was me!", "The ring! What's,\nwhat's, what's the ring?", "Right, the ring. I'm gonna\nask Patrice to marry me.", "Are you serious?", "Jinx! Good!", "I need to say some\nthings without you interrupting.", "Yes, I am serious. I know\nthat if you could talk,", "you'd say that I'm crazy", "or that I'm overcorrecting\nor that I'm moving too fast.", "But you would be wrong.", "Look, I have banged my\nway through every bimbo", "in the tristate area, and it left me", "feeling nothing but, but broken.", "But now, with Patrice,", "for the first time in my\nlife, I feel settled and happy.", "I want to feel this way forever.", "So tomorrow night on the roof", "of the World Wide News building...", "that's Patrice's favorite spot...", "I'm gonna ask her to marry me.", "Ah, poot-tu-tat!\nYou're jinxed.", "I'll unjinx you if you'll\nfollow these two rules:", "one: you can't try to talk me out of it,", "and two: you can't\ntell anybody. Agreed?", "It's a jinx swear, so if you break it,", "I get to hit you in the nuts three times", "with a Wiffle ball bat.", "Thank you... Ted.", "Hey...", "Hi, guys!", "No. But you're jinxed!", "I tricked Ted into saying my name.", "Aw, come on, Ted!", "Jinx! Jinx! Ha-ha!", "The reign of terror is back!", "Hey, if you guys don't want me to smoke", "or fart in here, just speak up.", "Nothing? Great.", "Thanks for the spicy beef jerky, dude.", "Anyway, I think we\ncould all use a little quiet.", "Unless you have something you\nwant to talk about, Ted?", "No.", "Not happening, bro."], "How I Met Your Mother S08E12 The Final Page Part Two": ["With Christmas just around the corner,", "your Uncle Barney, gave me the horrible\ngift of an unwanted secret.", "Tomorrow night on the roof", "of the World Wide News building...", "that's Patrice's favorite spot...", "I'm gonna ask her to marry me.", "Ah, poot-tu-tat!\nYou're jinxed.", "I'll unjinx you if you'll\nfollow these two rules:", "one: you can't try to talk me out of it,", "and two: you can't\ntell anybody. Agreed?", "Yeah that nod was a lie.", "You see Robin had been\nhurting over Barney all fall.", "And as her friend, I\nknew I had to tell her.", "I just had to find the right moment.", "Uh, there he is! The\nyoungest architect ever", "to build a skyscraper in New York City!", "The shockingly still single Ted Mosby.", "You hear that, ladies?", "I can't believe the\nGNB Tower opens tonight.", "Ted, your building finally gets\nunveiled to the whole world.", "You hear that, ladies?", "Nervous?", "Everything comes out of\nmy body in liquid form now.", "Ignore that, ladies.", "Plus, I, I keep having this nightmare", "where King Kong shows up to the opening", "but refuses to climb my building", "because, in his words,\n\"It's a bit derivative\".", "Oh, stop it,\ntonight is gonna be amazing.", "And we are definitely\ngonna be there to toast you,", "but we might have to leave a\nlittle early if that's okay.", "My dad just gave us the\nmost amazing Christmas gift ever.", "Our first night away\nsince Marvin was born.", "24 hours straight\nwithout that little bastard.", "We're maximizing our time away", "by planning\neverything down to the minute.", "See?", "2:12 p.m... guilt Ted", "into saying it's okay if\nwe leave early tonight.", "It's okay if you leave early tonight.", "Look, I just", "appreciate you showing up at all", "on your big night away.", "I mean, Barney's\nnot even gonna be there.", "What?", "This is the biggest\nnight of your career.", "Why isn't Barney coming?", "I don't know... he said,", "\"Legendary\" and \"Challenge accepted,\"\nand then he winked.", "\"Wait for it,\" you know, all that stuff.", "That does sound like him.", "Well, we're your real friends", "and we wouldn't miss it for the world.", "That is why we will see you tonight", "from 7:03 to 7:14.", "Bye, guys. Good night. Bye.", "Okay, what's the real\nreason Barney's not coming?", "Here was my chance to\ntell Robin about Barney.", "Yeah, actually, Barney didn't\nsay what he was doing tonight.", "Anyway... you know, I'm\nnot taking anyone to the opening,", "so you want to be my date?", "Sure.", "Okay, Dad, I made you a list", "of Marvin's nightly\nschedule down to the minute.", "Okay.", "\"9:06 p.m... put on edible underwear\".", "Wrong list, wrong list.", "Come on, relax.", "I know this little guy like\nthe back of my hand.", "Dear Lord, what is that?", "Oh, jam, okay.", "Just jam.", "Oh, I forgot the lullaby.", "Do you know Marvin's lullaby?", "We sing it to him every night.", "# Night, night, little Marvin #", "# Stars twinkle for you", "# The Dreamland train's a\n- chuggin' #", "# All your dreams will come true #", "# And the horsie says, \"Good night\" #", "# And the birdie says, \"Good night\" #", "# And the elephant says, \"Good night\" #", "# And the skeleton\nplaying his own rib cage #", "# Says, \"Good Night\"", "# And the robot says, \"Good night\" #", "Good night.", "Enough with the damn music!", "# And Mr. Nesbit says, \"Good night\" #", "# And the whole world\nsays, \"Good night\" #", "Take it, Mommy.", "Got it... load him up with cough syrup,", "watch Breaking Bad until he conks out.", "Just kidding.", "We did it.", "Yeah, we did.", "Now that we're out the door,", "I actually don't feel anxious.", "Whoa, oh, my God, it's your dad!", "Oh, something horrible happened... aah!", "Oh, it's Ted, relax.", "Bar, now.", "What is it?", "He needs me.", "But, baby, what about", "our magical romantic night?", "In four minutes we're\nsupposed to be doing hand stuff", "in the cab.", "I'll be quick... I'm\nsure it's nothing huge.", "That's huge.", "And I knew that I had to tell Robin.", "But?", "I may have...", "asked her to be my date instead.", "What is wrong with me?", "Deep down,", "is there still some crazy part of me", "that thinks I'm\ngonna wind up with Robin?", "Am I that deluded?", "If so, I need to grow up.", "Oh... by the way, I'm\nbreaking a jinx swear here,", "so don't tell Barney\nor he gets to whack me", "in the nuts three\ntimes with a Wiffle ball bat.", "Sure, pretty standard.", "Robin deserves the chance to\ngo after Barney one last time", "if that's what she wants.", "I'm gonna go tell her.", "One quick thing. Yeah.", "Don't.", "Hey... I'm gonna\nbe a little while, baby.", "It's a long story, but\nTed needs my help.", "Okay, but hurry", "or I'm gonna start\ndoing number 11 on my own.", "You can do that by yourself?", "Pilates, bitch.", "Okay, why shouldn't I tell Robin?", "Because deep down some crazy part of you", "still thinks you're gonna wind\nup with her, and I agree.", "Marshall... I'm sorry, I'm Team Tedward.", "Always have been, always will be.", "Now, listen.", "I want my best friend to be happy.", "And if Robin could\nmean happiness for you,", "then, dear God, why help\nher go after another man?", "Because she might still\nbe in love with him.", "To not tell her, to not\ngive her that chance,", "it's... it's selfish.", "So be selfish.", "I can't do that.", "Tell that to the onion\nrings we just \"split\".", "Robin is my friend.", "She's always been more than\nthat and you know it.", "Now, as we speak,", "my wife is in a hotel\nroom cheating on me...", "with herself.", "But I'm not leaving here", "until you promise not to say", "a word about this to Robin.", "Now repeat after me. \"I...\"", "Well, I can do more at a time than \"I\".", "\"I, Ted Mosby, promise to stop", "\"putting everyone else's\ninterests ahead of my own,", "and for once in my\nlife, do what's best for me\".", "I...", "Sorry, what was the rest of that?", "Hey, Dad, just taking a break", "from our amazing night to check in.", "I bet Marvin's pretty\ndevastated that I'm not there, huh?", "Not at all... I don't\nthink he even noticed you're gone.", "It's kind of like Mommy who?", "Oh... oh, good.", "But I should probably sing\nhim his nighttime lullaby", "over the phone, just in case.", "Sang it already... nailed it.", "Did you do the horsie?", "Yep. The birdie?", "Yep. Elephant?", "Yep. Moose.", "No moose, trick question.", "Robot.", "Affirmative.", "Look, I should go.", "Marvin's asleep in my arms.", "Mmm, his head smells like love.", "Bye.", "Whoa.", "Hello... and hubba-hubba.", "Aw, thanks.", "But tonight is about my main man Mosby.", "Really? Why?", "Oh, Ted, tell Ranjit", "the huge thing that's happening tonight.", "Barney's getting engaged.", "Ranjit out.", "Bar-Barney's getting engaged?", "He asked me to keep it a secret,", "but I thought you deserved to know...", "in case you wanted to\ndo something about it.", "Do you?", "Do you, Robin?", "Ranjit, a little privacy, please?", "Sorry, not listening.", "Nice, uneven floor there, Ted.", "Lily, are you drunk?", "What? I... I'm on vacation.", "I may have cracked open\nthe minibar to celebrate.", "Who invited the narc?", "Hey, listen, I know that", "you miss Marvin, but it's\nnot like we could've brought him", "to a black tie event anyway.", "Yeah, these parents\nare so lame and-and clingy.", "Yeah, it's like, cut the\ncord already, right, guys?", "Yeah, yeah, that baby's not even cute.", "Super ugly baby.", "It's almost physically repulsive.", "Aw... Aw...", "Great, I just started lactating.", "Me, too.", "So, what do you want to do?", "Robin, I do not want to meddle,", "but this is like the\nclassic love song says...", "Ranjit.", "Ranjit, let's just\ncommunicate via text from now on, okay?", "I appreciate what you're doing.", "But I'm not chasing\nafter Barney anymore.", "I just got done\nbeing crazy about all that.", "I mean, why would I want to throw\nmyself back in that pit?", "Because you're in love with him.", "No, I'm not.", "I'm happy for him.", "So, it doesn't bother you\nthat Barney Stinson's gonna propose", "to another woman on top of the\nWorld Wide News building?", "Wait, why the top of the\nWorld Wide News building?", "I guess it's Patrice's favorite\nspot in the city.", "Damn it, Patrice, that's\nmy favorite spot in the city!", "Whoa.", "Ranjit says, \"Whoa\".", "Okay...", "maybe that one detail\nstings a little bit,", "but that doesn't mean I'm\nin love with Barney.", "\"Sounds like she's in love with Barney\".", "Okay, is this divider even\nslightly soundproof?", "\"Yes\".", "With a little winky face.", "Look, I... I hope it\ngoes well for Barney.", "I really do.", "But tonight there is no\nplace I would rather be", "than at your building.", "Celebrating with you.", "This kid does not\nmean that you're special.", "It just means that\nyou're horny and you're easy.", "Now, come on, let me smell his head.", "Li-Lily, Lily, no, no, no, no, come on.", "Seriously, Ted, what\nis up with the floor?", "Lily. What?", "Is it harder than we thought", "to be away from Marvin? Yes.", "But are we gonna have\nfun or are we gonna wallow", "in the corner like idiots?", "# Night, night, little Marvin", "# Stars twinkle for you", "# The Dreamland train's a\n- chuggin' #", "# All your dreams", "# Will come true.", "Hey.", "Do you realize that\nsomething you thought up in your head", "now exists as a part of\nthe Manhattan skyline?", "That's huge.", "It's just a building.", "I mean, I'm incredibly\nyoung for such an achievement,", "but it's just a building.", "I mean, Architecture Vision Weekly", "may have dubbed it \"more\nthan just a building,\"", "but it's just a building.", "So let's not get carried...", "Okay, you're right, it's huge.", "It is huge.", "You're the star of the\nparty, and who knows?", "Maybe the future Mrs. Ted\nMosby is gonna be there.", "Yeah, maybe she will.", "Oh.", "Wait, this isn't your...", "This is the World Wide News building.", "Go get him.", "I told you, I am done chasing Barney.", "Now can we please go to your party?", "Robin, do you want to\nspend tonight making small talk", "with a bunch of bankers", "in a daring yet refined\ncontemporary masterpiece", "King Kong should feel lucky to climb...", "or do you want to follow your heart?", "Why do you keep insisting\nthat I have feelings for Barney?", "Because you do.", "See, even Ranjit agrees.", "Oh, he's got to pee.", "The point is,", "you're not over Barney.", "That's why you freaked\nout about him proposing", "on the roof of the\nWorld Wide News building.", "I did not freak out.", "It's just...", "a teeny, tiny bit annoying", "that I am the one", "who showed her that\nroof in the first place!", "Damn it, Patrice!", "Whoa.", "\"Never mind, I found a soda bottle\".", "Okay, that's disturbing.", "What do you want me to do, Ted?", "Run up to that roof,", "knock the ring out of Barney's hand,", "and say, \"Sorry to\ninterrupt, but you should be with me\"?", "Is that what you want?", "No.", "I don't.", "I can't keep making an ass of myself.", "Well,", "a word in defense of\nmaking an ass of yourself,", "it's underrated.", "Eight years ago", "I made an ass of myself\nchasing after you,", "and I've made an ass of\nmyself chasing after you", "a bunch of times since then.", "But I have no regrets.", "Because it led me to something", "that I wouldn't trade for the world.", "It led to you being my friend.", "So, as your friend", "and a leading expert in the field", "of making an ass of yourself,", "I say to you", "from the heart,", "get the hell out of this car.", "But, Ted,", "your big night.", "It's just a building.", "The Robin.", "Step one: admit to yourself", "that you still have\nfeelings for this girl.", "I am hopelessly, irretrievably\nin love with her.", "More than she knows.", "Step two:", "choose the completely wrong\nmoment to make a drunken move", "after hanging out", "at a strip club", "and get shot down on purpose.", "Step three:", "agree that you two don't\nwork, locking the door", "on any future you could have together.", "I'm done trying to get you.", "I can't do it anymore.", "Which will drive Robin nuts.", "Huh.", "Step four:", "Robin goes nuts.", "Step five:", "find the person who annoys Robin most", "in the world...", "Nobody asked for your help, Patrice!", "and ask for her help.", "Oh, hi, Barney.", "What are you doing here?", "Actually, I'm looking for you.", "This may sound kind of\nweird, but I have a proposition...", "Explain everything to Patrice", "and hope she agrees to help.", "Yay. I love Robin.", "Of course I'll help.", "Good, good.", "Step six: check with your doctor", "about possible broken ribs.", "Step seven: pretend\nto be dating Patrice.", "Nobody asked you here, Patrice!", "Actually, I did.", "Step eight:", "wait until Robin\ninevitably breaks into your place", "to find the Playbook and\nshow it to Patrice,", "which you'll monitor\nvia the hidden cameras", "you have in your apartment.", "Patrice, the robin's in the nest.", "That means Robin broke into my apartment", "Were you even listening when\nI explained the codes?", "Step nine: after\nPatrice finds the Playbook,", "have your first big fight.", "This is going so well.", "Thank you so much.", "I know, but what the heck are\nLily and Ted doing here?", "I don't know. My friends\nhave no boundaries.", "How can I ever thank you?", "Will you watch my cat next weekend?", "No.", "Come on, we should\nprobably go back inside.", "Step ten:", "prove your loyalty to Patrice", "by burning the Playbook,", "and actually burn it.", "You don't need it anymore.", "Step 11:", "because your friends have no boundaries,", "they'll inevitably have", "an intervention for Robin,", "which you'll monitor\nvia the hidden cameras", "you have in Marshall\nand Lily's apartment.", "Step 12:", "tell only Ted about your plan", "to propose to Patrice.", "You can't tell anybody.", "Agreed?", "Step 13:", "wait and see if Ted tells Robin,", "and if he does...", "Barney's getting engaged.", "it means your best bro in the world", "has let go of Robin and\nhas given you his blessing.", "Step 14: Robin arrives", "at her favorite spot in the city", "and finds the secret final page", "of the Playbook.", "The last play", "you'll ever run.", "Step 15: Robin realizes", "she's standing underneath mistletoe.", "Seriously, Barney?", "Even you,", "even someone as\ncertifiably insane as you", "must realize that this is too far.", "You lied to me,", "manipulated me for weeks.", "Do you really think I\ncould ever kiss you after that?", "Do you really think", "I could ever trust you after that?", "This...", "this is proof", "of why we don't work,", "why we'll never work.", "So thank you.", "You've set me free because...", "how could I be with a\nman who thinks that this...", "trick, this enormous lie", "could ever make me\nwant to date him again?", "Turn it over.", "Robin Scherbatsky...", "will you marry me?", "Yes.", "# In the oceans deep", "# In the canyons steep", "# Walls of granite", "# Here I stand", "# All my desperate calls", "# Echo off the walls", "# Back and forth...", "And so, let's all raise\na glass to Ted Mosby.", "None of this", "would have been possible without him.", "To Ted.", "To Ted.", "# To believe", "# I walk", "# Alone", "# Is a lie", "# That I've #", "# Been told", "# So let your heart hold fast", "# For this soon shall pass", "# There's another hill ahead. #"], "How I Met Your Mother S08E13 Band or DJ": ["Kids, in late 2012, I\nreceived a very important text message.", "Uncle Barney and Aunt\nRobin were engaged,", "marking a truly happy\ntime for our little group.", "The problem was", "one of us was definitely not happy.", "Marvin will not stop crying.", "What do you guys think it is?", "Is he hungry?", "Well, that must be it.", "Huh!", "Thank you for thinking of that, Ted.", "And here we were just watering him", "and facing him towards the sunlight.", "Sorry, I haven't slept in...", "January.", "Food going in", "isn't the problem,", "it's what's coming\nout, or not coming out.", "He hasn't pooped in three days.", "Yeah, normally", "I wouldn't wish one of his dirty diapers", "on my worst enemy, but\nnow I kind of miss", "popping the hood in the morning", "and finding that\nfirst big juicy, black...", "Lily, I'm eating chili.", "I'm eating chili, Lily.", "Confetti.", "Big blast of confetti.", "Normally, the kid's a confetti machine.", "He's Rip Taylor in a diaper.", "I have a feeling", "at this point, Rip Taylor", "is Rip Taylor in a diaper.", "And with that image, dinner is done.", "Hey, guys.", "Hey. Well, well, well.", "Here comes the bride.", "Now the annoying part, right?", "Planning the wedding?", "So not fun, right?", "I don't know... I'm kind\nof looking forward to it.", "Fine, I'll do it for you.", "First thing we need to do is set a date.", "May 25, 2013.", "Thank you, Ted.", "The ladies are talking.", "Actually, that is the date.", "Ted offered to help with\nthe planning a little.", "And, well...", "That's a big binder.", "Oh, this?", "This is just cakes.", "Anyway, we're having the ceremony", "at that beautiful little\nchurch out on Long Island,", "where Victoria almost\ngot married... lovely spot.", "And then we're gonna have a\nreception in a big white tent", "on the front lawn of the hotel.", "Oh, and... the colors are cream", "and lilac.", "I will cut you, bitch.", "No, Lily...", "I'm cool, I'm cool.", "Hey, Robin, where's Barney?", "Did he skip town already?", "If so, exactly what time was it?", "It's important for the over/under.", "Barney's fine, it's\njust... well, earlier this morning...", "So, it's been three\ndays since I said yes.", "True.", "And your panic attacks are getting", "shorter and further apart.", "I can't do this! I\nfeel like I'm drowning!", "Also true.", "So I guess we're officially engaged.", "Maybe we should tell our parents.", "I assume my dad already\nknows... you did call him", "and got his permission, right?", "Yeah, yeah, Robin.", "I bought you with an ox and\nsome spices from the East.", "Uh, he's gonna put you in a cage.", "and send you on\nhorseback to my remote desert camp.", "Okay, Barney... Hold on, I'm not done.", "Where you'll be\nbathed in perfumes and oils", "and delivered to my tent.", "After you perform the traditional", "Dance of the Seven Veils, we'll adjourn", "to the tiger skin rug where we'll...", "Barney... Robin!", "If we're gonna\nbuild a marriage together,", "we have got to stop\ninterrupting each other all the time.", "Fine, finish your story.", "Thank you.", "Where we'll do it.", "Did you ask for my father's permission?", "No, I did not.", "So, as some of you know,\nmy dad is a little scary.", "A little? Dude's a\nstone cold Slytherin.", "He always looks like\nhe just came from slapping", "some guy tied to a chair in a back room.", "Anyway, we go get lunch...", "Look, I know I already told you this,", "but my dad is a scary guy.", "Please, I think I can handle...", "Oh, vampire in the\ndaylight, vampire in the daylight!", "Oh, my God.", "Hello, Robin.", "Hello, sir.", "Put that thing away,", "Give your old man a hug.", "And then it got really scary.", "I'm glad you could meet me here", "at my favorite restaurant.", "Carol and I come here all the time.", "I... you...", "When... Da... who's Carol?", "Oh, right, you haven't met Carol...", "Very special woman.", "48 years old, dental hygienist, no kids.", "Likes Zumba.", "She's the reason I\nmoved to New York City.", "Eight months ago. Thanks\nfor the call, by the way.", "Well, I figured you knew.", "It's on my Facebook page.", "You really should\nrespond to my friend request.", "I post a lot of great stuff.", "Are you familiar with memes?", "There's a cat who says,", "\"I can has cheeseburger\"", "Okay, what the hell happened to you?", "Robin, I know in the\npast, I have been...", "emotionally distant.", "But Carol has", "brought out a whole new side of me.", "I have a new outlook on life", "a devil-may-care\ninsouciance that embodies the credo,", "\"No shirt, no shoes, no problem\".", "Robin...", "I'm fun now.", "Oh, God.", "He's fun now? That does not sound fun.", "No child should have to\nsee a parent go through that.", "Well, it probably\ntook some of the pressure", "off the Barney of it all.", "Sir, hi.", "My name is Barney Stinson.", "This is Barney?", "This man is blond.", "Grown men are not blond.", "Dad.", "Pleased to meet you.", "That's a very...", "fun hair color.", "That's nothing... when he\nmet me, his first words were,", "\"Nice blouse\" You were wearing a blouse.", "It was not a blouse!", "Oh, great. You're all here.", "Let's talk about our wedding band.", "How much do you guys\nthink they should rock?", "'Cause I vote, a million.", "Yeah, yeah, I think we already\nsettled on a DJ, so...", "Lily,", "do you remember the band you guys", "almost hired for your wedding?", "Remember them?", "I'll call them up and book them for you.", "Just say the word.", "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I\nfeel like we keep coming back", "to this DJ thing.", "What do you think, baby?", "Yeah, I don't think", "anyone should book anything right now.", "Why not?", "Well, I am going to go the\nroom marked \"Spaghettis,\"", "which I'm hoping is the ladies room.", "\"Meatballs\" has to be men's, right?", "I don't know what the hell", "\"Calamaris\" is.", "Um...", "Sir, I...", "Permission denied.", "Ooh.", "And it turns out, \"spaghettis\" are men.", "I saw a noodle.", "He said no?", "Yeah, I don't know what we're gonna do.", "Relax, baby. I got this.", "I know how to be persuasive.", "The next day, Uncle\nBarney met Robin's dad", "for lunch at the same restaurant.", "This time, with a plan.", "Hello, Mr. Scherbatsky.", "I think we got off on the wrong foot.", "You have my attention.", "I left the meatball at home", "so I could talk to you\nspaghetti to spaghetti.", "Sir...", "I'm very serious about\nmarrying your daughter.", "Barney, when I wanted to\nmarry Robin's mother,", "I slaughtered a whole family of bears", "with my bare hands.", "I gave", "the pelts and the bear meat", "to her father as tribute.", "You know what we call that in Canada?", "Manners.", "Would either", "of you like a mudslide?", "I just had one. Thank you.", "I'll have", "a Jazzy Pizzazzy Razzleberry\nRainbow Milkshake", "with a swirly straw?", "You didn't say the magic word.", "I'll go get your drink.", "Still crying, huh?", "Yeah. We've tried everything short", "of a pack of smokes and a cup of coffee.", "Still nothing but clean dipeys.", "There's only one explanation for this.", "Marvin", "has potty-trained himself.", "He sneaks into the\nbathroom while we're sleeping.", "I'll ask Barney to check the tapes.", "Barney has cameras in our bathroom?", "Well, I mean, don't you think?", "Hey, guys. Robin, good.", "You're here. Bad news.", "That wedding band you\nwanted is booked for May 25.", "Oh, no. What are you gonna do?", "Oh! Oh, hey! Here's an idea.", "Oh, God, Ted, if you suggest a DJ...", "Far from it.", "I was going to suggest a band.", "A band called... Kool and the Gang.", "Robin,", "would you like for me", "to get Kool and the Gang\nto play at your wedding?", "Uh... I... yeah, guess so.", "And would it be okay if\nthey invited their friends,", "Beyonce and-and ABBA,", "and the Bee Gees,", "and Journey,", "and Queen?", "What? You're...? What are you say...?", "How... how is that even possible?", "I'll tell you how.", "You hire a DJ.", "Wicka-wicka-wicka-burn.", "Ugh! God, this is, like,", "the fifteenth time my dad has\nsent me a friend request.", "I'm just gonna hit \"accept\".", "No, no, no. No, no, no,\nno, don't do it, Robin.", "You don't want to see what's\nbehind that door.", "What are you talking about?", "He's talking about", "my mom's 2,000-word\nreview of Fifty Shades of Grey.", "And 14 of those words were \"vulva\".", "You're gonna get endless\nrequests to play some game", "that has something to do with\ngangsters and farming.", "Never mind the\nembarrassing cheerleading photos", "from high school.", "Begged my mom to burn those.\n- Robin,", "trust me, no good can come\nfrom accepting that friend request.", "Yeah, I think I may have\ngiven you guys the wrong impression.", "Okay, my dad", "is actually not that bad of a guy.", "Do it, Barney. Squeeze that trigger.", "I don't want to do this.", "Well, you think I\nwanted to kill that bear?", "Yeah, kind of. Oh, yeah, you're right.", "I can't do this.", "Oh.", "What... what the hell is this?", "Your dad is crazy!", "He wanted me to kill Fluffernutter!", "I told you not to give him a name!", "Well, I did!", "I gave him a name and a backstory!", "He comes from a magical rabbit warren", "underneath the old rusty tractor.", "He was the runt of the\nlitter, but he persevered.", "He... Oh, give me this. Give it to me!", "Dad,", "is there... something\nyou want to tell me?", "Well, in the early '80s, I\ndid some wet work for the CIA.", "Yes, Daddy, I remember\nthe bedtime stories.", "No, I'm... talking about\nyour Facebook page?", "It says you're married.", "Well...", "yes... Carol and I were in Key Largo", "at a performance of the recording\nartist James Buffett.", "We're what are known as Parrotheads.", "And...", "well, one thing led", "to the other, and...", "we got married.", "You didn't want to tell me about it?", "I Facebooked it... on Facebook.", "Okay, you know what, Dad?", "Since you obviously have no\ninterest in involving me", "in your personal life,\nI may as well tell you:", "Barney and I are already engaged.", "That's right.", "I'm behind you on this, Robin.", "Directly behind you.", "Anyway, this is happening.", "And since I wasn't\ninvited to your wedding,", "you're not invited to mine.", "Good-bye.", "Oh, no!", "Fluffernutter peed all over my pants!", "So, I just called up", "that wedding band's road\nmanager to get the number", "of the people who\nbooked them for the 25th,", "so I could bribe them\ninto giving up the band.", "You did what? That is so dishonest!", "No matter what happens\nnext, I think we can all agree,", "you're in the wrong here, Lily.", "It's your number, Ted.", "All right, you got me!", "I put a\nnon-refundable deposit on that band", "to keep Barney and\nRobin from booking them.", "And I would've gotten away with it", "if it wasn't a really\nstupid and expensive plan.", "Dude, why would you do that?", "I don't see what the big deal is.", "The big deal is Robin deserves better", "than some crappy, unreliable band!", "Sure, bands seem cool", "with their nice suits and\ntheir well-rehearsed moves,", "but let's be honest: bands let you down.", "They-They cheat, they\ndeceive, and God knows they've slept", "with every girl in New York City.", "I just, I can't believe", "Robin is going through with marrying...", "the idea of getting a band.", "And that is, that's a\nperfectly normal way to phrase that.", "Okay, Ted, bar. Now.", "Nice try.", "You're gonna stick me with that baby", "so that you guys can spend five minutes", "sorting out his love life,", "followed by an hour of you getting drunk", "and pretending to be in The Departed.", "You know what? I'm sorry, Lily, okay?", "But I just need to know:", "Are you a cop? I'm not a cop!", "Are you a cop? I'm not a cop!", "Uh-uh.", "I got this.", "Ted, you, me, upstairs.", "Roof. Now.", "What? It's January. Move!", "Let's cut the crap.", "We're both freezing...", "just say it and we can go downstairs.", "Say what?", "Say how much you hate", "that Robin and\nBarney are getting married.", "What? No. I...", "I'm happy for them.", "I encouraged Robin to go after Barney.", "I know... because you\nthought you were okay letting her go.", "But now that she's really gone,", "it hurts.", "Kids, at that point in my life,", "I'd been hurt quite a few times already.", "Today, we're gonna\nbraid friendship bracelets.", "# I fell in love...", "There is a very simple explana... ah!", "This one time, I was\nplaying tennis, and...", "Ooh!", "Oh, ow! Ow!", "Hey, Schmosby, remember when you dookied", "in your pants down by the lake?", "Unbelievable!", "Do you love me?", "No.", "But when I saw that text message,", "and found out Robin was engaged,", "Unbelievable!", "No.", "times a million.", "I am happy for them.", "Is all you'll let yourself say out loud,", "because if you said\nanything to the contrary, well,", "that would make you", "the most awful person on this rooftop.", "So, I'm gonna give you an out.", "And how are you gonna do that?", "By saying something that\nis even more awful.", "Like what?", "Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mom.", "Sometimes I want to pack a bag", "and leave in the middle of\nthe night and not come back.", "Robin shouldn't be with Barney,", "she should be with me.", "You serious?", "I don't know.", "I mean, I love being a mom, and...", "I love Marvin so much.", "But...", "but do you remember", "when I wanted to be an artist?", "Art was my whole life.", "And now it's been months", "since I've even picked up a brush.", "I spend the whole day", "taking care of kids at my job,", "and I come home and\nit's more of the same.", "It just...", "It never lets up, it...", "It's just really, really hard, Ted.", "Have you talked to\nMarshall about how you feel?", "Have you talked to Robin\nabout how you feel?", "Fair enough.", "I just think we have to\naccept our lots in life,", "and I have to be a mom to a...", "a beautiful, wonderful...", "if slightly constipated...", "little boy, and...", "you have to let Robin\nand Barney get a band.", "All right, let's see\nwhat's in this dipey.", "Nothing.", "Absolutely nothing.", "Hey.", "Are you finally giving Daddy a smile?", "Oh!", "Oh, God!", "And, no, it wasn't confetti.", "Oh!", "Oh, God!", "Please!", "Holy confetti.", "That night, Robin agreed", "to meet her dad one more time.", "Your Dad has something to say.", "I'm sorry for getting\nmarried without consulting you.", "It was wrong of me.", "There. Now, Robin...", "I know that no mere", "apology will fix this.", "And that is why", "I've asked Carol for a divorce.", "What?", "She's heartbroken, understandably.", "Possibly suicidal.", "I did not tell him...", "But if that's the price", "for my daughter's love...", "then I will gladly let Carol pay it.", "Was that not what you wanted?", "You want to know what I want?", "A normal dad. That's all.", "I want you to give this blond guy", "permission to marry me.", "Come to the wedding, give me away,", "smile in the pictures, and then...", "dance with me like a normal dad.", "Is that too much to ask?", "\"Of course not.", "\"Oh, Robin, my darling girl,", "\"of course I'll do all stuff.", "\"I love you and I'm proud of you\".", "He didn't say that?", "No.", "Fine. One dance...", "\"Cheeseburger in Paradise\".", "And Carol's going to sing it.", "Well, see you at the wedding.", "But it's kind of amazing.", "I mean, he's never\napologized to me in his life.", "Barney made it happen.", "He must really love me.", "Well, he'd be crazy not to.", "I'm really happy for you guys.", "But I still think", "you should get a DJ.", "Ju-Ju.. For God's sakes, Ted.", "Hear me out.", "I made a pretty strong case that night,", "but in the end, she didn't want a DJ.", "She wanted a band.", "And guess what happened.", "That's right, the band\ncancelled at the last minute,", "just like I said they would.", "The wedding is in a week, and no bands.", "When will people realize I\nalways know what's what?", "He says to the\nlesbian he dated for a month.", "That's a fair point.", "Anyway, you guys", "wouldn't... happen to know", "of any good wedding bands", "available at the last\nminute, would you?", "Ted, do you believe in destiny?", "You really don't know me, do you?", "We just had brunch with my ex-roommate.", "The bass player?", "No, she's not just a bass player.", "She's a bass player in\nthe best wedding band", "in the tri-state area.", "They had a gig lined\nup for this weekend,", "but it just fell through this morning.", "You, my friend, are gonna\nsave that wedding.", "Do you know any DJs?", "Dude, come on.", "Let it go, bro. Just let it go.", "All right, all right,", "all right.", "Well, I guess...", "Guess it's a lucky\nthing I ran into you guys.", "And, kids, \"lucky\"\ndoesn't even begin to describe it.", "Because if Barney and\nRobin had taken my stupid advice", "and hired a DJ...", "I never would have met your mother."], "How I Met Your Mother S08E14 Ring it Up": ["You guys. You guys will\nnot believe what just happened.", "On my way here, a taxi", "jumped the curb and it\npinned this old lady,", "and I just went into this,\nlike, crazy adrenaline mode", "and I somehow lifted it off her.", "Oh, my God, Ted, your wrist.", "Oh, yeah, I guess it's a little swollen.", "I must've strained it lifting.\n- No,", "I believe our dear friend Lily was\nreferring to your other wrist.", "The one wearing the male birth control.", "I was gonna go with", "\"chastity bracelet\".", "God, is it possible to love you more?", "Really? Really? I just", "saved someone's life, and you\nguys are focusing on this?", "Yeah, you know what,\nguys? Leave him alone.", "All right, he's a hero.\n- Thank you.", "Do you think that your\nsuper strength came from", "wearing Wonder\nWoman's magic wrist cuff?", "Yeah, I'll have you know\nthat because of this cuff,", "I have a date.", "With some hand lotion and the Internet?", "It is possible to love you more!", "She exists.", "And she's right outside.", "Great. Bring her in.", "You know what? It's so nice out.", "Why don't... why don't\nwe just all go for a walk.", "It's pouring rain, Ted. I\nthink it's pretty obvious", "she can't fit through the door.\n- Mm.", "She is a gorgeous, athletic woman.", "\"Athletic\"? Sideburns, no cans.", "She is hot.", "So why can't she come in, Ted?", "She can come in.", "In six and a half months.", "Wait. Are you saying she's...", "Twenty.", "And a half.", "Almost.", "Ah-ah! Hold up, guys.", "She had to bounce. Um, a\nflash mob broke out in front", "of a line of Korean-Mexican\nfood trucks in Williamsburg.", "The only thing that would\nmake her more of a 20-year-old", "is an ironic form of transportation.\n- Yeah.", "She's roller skating there.", "I don't know which is more pathetic...", "that you're going\nout with a 20-year-old", "or that you bought a\nleather cuff to get a date with her.", "I didn't buy this to get a date.", "I just happened to be out", "catching up on some Saturday afternoon", "leather cuff shopping,\n- Oh.", "and she just happened to\nbe a leather cuff saleswoman.", "God, I am so glad I\nam done chasing bimbos.", "Now that I'm engaged, that\nwhole part of my life", "just seems sad and empty.", "I don't want this to sound too\nharsh, Ted, but you disgust me.", "Until a month ago, your headboard\nhad a lube dispenser.", "Uh, yeah.", "We got rid of that, okay?\n- Yeah.", "Anyway, speaking of engaged,", "check out what got\nback from being resized.", "Oh, my God. Look at\nthe size of that rock.", "Barney, you don't", "start with the I-got-caught-cheating\ndiamond.", "You give yourself room to grow.", "It's a family heirloom.", "Yeah, I got a few dirty looks", "from Barney's\nhalf-sister over Christmas,", "so I had to sit her down and\nexplain very respectfully...", "that she can suck it.", "Okay.", "I got to bounce.\n- Stop saying that.", "This DJ from Dubai is spinning", "at an abandoned loading\ndock in Bushwick.", "I'm worried I don't have enough layers.", "So what if my friends", "thought it was doomed?", "I was still young, and I\nknew that a night of partying", "with a girl over a\ndecade younger than me", "would be a total...", "disaster. She's like an\nentirely different species.", "And I definitely\ndidn't have enough layers.", "I didn't understand half\nthe words she was saying.", "To me, it all sounded\nlike hipster Mad Libs.", "Didn't you check your phone?", "I just \"means of contacting\" you", "on \"currently hot social\nnetworking site\".", "The show's been moved to \"New York\nneighborhood you've never heard of\".", "Oh. Wow, my phone has a clock.", "And they subsist on a diet of\npointlessly weird combinations.", "Ooh.", "Hey, do you want to\nsplit a kimchi cupcake", "with bacon frosting?", "They are the best here.", "Uh, yeah. Yeah, that'll go great with my", "cucumber jalape\u00f1o egg cream.", "Chug it! Come on. Come on.", "We got to get going.\n- Right. Okay.", "Then later, at a club in Chinatown", "somehow located beneath a manhole cover,", "it got weird.", "God, I just love those tiny\ngray hairs in your eyebrows.", "Old men are so sexy.", "All right, to be fair,", "some of those gray\nhairs were dried egg cream.", "Turns out, when you projectile\nvomit on skates,", "you roll right into the spray.", "Wait, how old does she think you are?", "So, were you in Vietnam?", "Hold that groan.", "Charlie was everywhere.", "She's hot! She likes old guys!", "Don't judge me!", "Anyway, when we got\nout on the dance floor, th...", "I swear, this is what all the\n20-year-olds looked like...", "I want to thank you for your service\nto this nation, Private.", "Colonel.", "Aw.", "I got to end this.", "Yeah, seriously, Ted.", "Pretending to be someone\nelse just to get laid?", "That's... embarrassing.", "Your Highness!", "Let's go.", "Ew. Marshall, take that off.", "What? I think it looks kind of cool.", "Cool?", "You look like one of those\njerks who's in some lame band", "and rides a motorcycle without\na helmet and has a wallet chain", "and neck tattoos and a drug problem.", "Not a... a big one, just...", "enough that he deals a\nlittle bit on the side, and...", "he can never... ever\nbe true to one woman.", "Finish that damn pickle and do me!", "Okay, you guys know\nhow my mornings usually go.", "Why would we care how...", "Usually it's like this.", "After you.", "Aw, thank you.", "On the house, Robin!", "# Take this bagel on the house", "# Have a paper on the house", "# I'd give you a house on the house #", "# If I could", "# You're so beautiful", "# Everything in life should be free #", "# It's so wonderful to be me!", "Mmm.", "Wow.", "Do little bluebirds help you get\ndressed in the morning, too?", "# She's exaggerating", "# To make a point!", "But today was different.", "That'll be $3.75.", "But I didn't have to pay yesterday.", "Okay. $7.50.", "Oh,\nhoney-sweetie-baby. It's the ring, Robin.", "The ring has power.", "When a woman puts on an engagement ring,", "it's like when Bilbo\nBaggins wears the One Ring", "in The Hobbit.", "Okay, can you say that\nagain but not in nerd?", "Sure. Uh, the ring is like the cloak", "that Harry Potter wears\nto sneak around Hogwarts.", "Yeah, I don't speak virgin either.", "The ring... it makes you invisible.", "You're not precious.", "Oh, good, you're awake.", "Look, Ted,", "there's something we have to talk about.", "Boundaries? Invasion of privacy?", "Losing your key privileges?", "It's about the\n20-year-old, Ted.", "You have to bang her.", "For me!", "Why do you want me to\nhook up with this 20-year-old?", "I thought I disgusted you.", "Yeah, that was all an act.", "Look, look, look, I love Robin", "and she's the only\ngirl I want to be with.", "But my body is detoxing after\nyears of one-night stands.", "They don't make gum\nor a patch for this, Ted.", "But, hey, billion-dollar idea alert.", "Oh, yeah.", "That's okay. I'll just\nbuy a new dream journal.", "What-what-what are\nyou looking for?", "Your phone.", "There's got to be some\npictures of her in here.", "Damn it. No.", "Those are all worthless.", "I need some\none-night-stand material, Ted.", "Oh. Oh. Here's your\nmom. Hello, Virginia.", "Um, my mother is not one-night-stand\nmaterial.", "Yeah, you're right. It wasn't\nnight and we weren't standing.", "Hey-oh!", "That didn't happen.", "You're right. It didn't.", "You just winked.", "No, I didn't.", "You just did it again!", "Look, bottom line: I need you", "to proxy bang this girl for me.", "Be my stand-in and put your gland in.", "Hey, wow, that'd be good on a hat.", "Barney, she's just using me\nfor my gracefully aging body.", "You're picking now to\nget some self-respect?", "You once banged a blind girl\nby pretending to be Sean Connery.", "That was you.", "Yeah, that conquest was most enjoyable.", "I'm sorry. T\n- To hook up with a girl,", "I have to connect with\nher at least a little.", "Then find a connection.", "Just go simple.", "Nothing about weird poets or buildings", "or any of those stupid\narticles you've ever e-mailed me", "with the subject\nline \"Food for thought\".", "Please, Ted.", "I need this.", "Fine. You win.", "I'll bang a\nhot 20-year-old.", "But I'm not gonna enjoy...", "Oh, who am I kidding?", "It's gonna be awesome.", "Now, turn off the lights and go.", "Not all the way!", "Hello. Yeah, three...", "Okay, normally New\nYork is the friendliest,", "most affordable city in the world.", "Now it's as rude and\nexpensive as San Francisco.", "Guys?", "Oh, hey, that's\nlife once you're engaged.", "Oh, tell her, baby. Make it hurt.", "I'll be at the booth.", "My panties may or may not be on", "when you get there.", "They won't be!", "Okay, what is going on with you guys?", "It's the cuff.", "It turns out that picturing\nme as a loser musician", "with a Vicodin\naddiction and a beat-up van", "I use to steal copper\nwire really turns Lily's crank.", "Who knew?", "Whoa, what-what\nhappened to your wrist?", "Oh. It's an allergic reaction.", "So take it off.", "Robin, once you have a child,", "anything that gets\nyou even remotely close", "to the possibility of sex is worth\na few pus-filled blisters.", "Better the sores weep than I.", "Hey, hold on. That slut just got here.", "How'd she get beer already?", "Do you see a ring on that finger?", "Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.", "Are you saying that this\ninvisibility thing", "means I might not be able to get beer?", "I was just getting used to the\nidea of having to pay for coffee", "and bagels and rent.", "Rent?\n- But not being able to get a beer?", "Unacceptable.", "Excuse me.", "Hot girl coming through.", "Huh.", "Three beers, please.", "Damn it, ring!", "Oh, yeah,\nbaby. - Mm-hmm.", "Later you should totally go\nout and buy a switchblade.", "Mm. Sure.", "While I'm out, maybe\nDaddy picks up some diapers", "and a little mild\nsalsa because we're low.", "Well, you're right...", "I'm invisible.", "That night, the only person", "in worse shape than\nRobin was her fianc\u00e9.", "Ted, I'm desperate.", "Earlier today, I saw that wrist cuff", "and I got a partial for Marshall.", "Did you bang that girl yet?", "Don't get your\nhopes, or anything else, up.", "I tried to connect with her,", "but everything just comes back", "to her weird fetish about how old I am.", "Well, j-just go\nsimple... does she like TV?", "No.", "But I'll watch 60 Minutes with you", "as loud and as long as you want.", "Sports?", "No.", "But I bet you look super\nhot playing shuffleboard,", "just... slathered in Bengay.", "Well, does she like books?", "No.", "But I bet you do.", "Mm-hmm.", "I bet you have a big, thick", "pair of bifocals.", "She doesn't have daddy\nissues, she has granddaddy issues.", "I'm ending it.", "Ted, I beg of you, don't\nquit on a body that won't quit.", "Ooh, ooh, that'll go\nsweet on a bumper sticker.", "That's going in the journal.", "Wait, did you steal my dream journal?", "No! Now, get back in there before\nall your teeth fall out", "and you're naked in front of\nShaker Heights High School", "in a play you never rehearsed for.", "Bastard!", "We don't connect on a\nsingle thing. It's over.", "It's not...", "Look, Carly, I got to\ntell you something.", "I just, I don't see a future here.", "Oh, my God.", "Are you dying?", "Oh, that is so hot.", "Hey...", "is that R2-D2?", "Do you like Star Wars?", "I love Star Wars.", "Me, too!", "I mean, I've only seen the new ones.", "Close enough.", "So?", "Yeah.", "I knew it! I could feel it.", "It's almost like we were hooking\nup with her together.", "You felt that, right?", "I couldn't have performed if I did.", "Don't you see, Ted?", "We had a bro-nnection.", "All right, I got to know", "what she looks\nlike... show me a picture.", "Well, normally, I'm above such things,", "but it's been a while, and,\nuh, Teddy's braggin'.", "Okay, here she is.", "Okay. Scrolling up.", "Oh, yeah, those are", "\"plow me\" heels.\nNice. - Uh-huh.", "The knee bruise is encouraging.", "Working our way up to\nthose 20-year-old ta-tas.", "Oh... gravity's cruel grasp", "hasn't found you yet, my\nsweet perky miracles.", "Now, let's get a\ngander at Dirty Girl's face.", "Mm-hmm.", "Her face says, \"Ready\nto bone,\" am I right?", "I say again, am I right?", "That's my half sister.", "Then you probably\nshouldn't scroll to the next picture.", "No!", "That's my sister, Ted!", "Well, look, I didn't know!", "None of us even knew you had a sister", "until two years ago, including you!", "This is just some crazy coincidence.", "There are four million\nwomen in the city of New York,", "Ted, and you sleep with my sister?", "Why would the universe do that to me?", "I don't know.", "It's not like you've ever\ntreated women in such a way", "that would invite some\nsort of karmic retribution.", "You banged my sister!", "My sweet, little, innocent...", "Pierced.\n- Really? Where?", "Don't answer that! Now I know", "why I felt everything you\ndid to her last night.", "It wasn't a\nbro-nnection, it was a sis-nnection!", "Oh, my God.", "Ted... did you...", "Big-time.", "Nice! High five!", "Wait! No! No!", "Retraction five!", "Hey, hey, you're the one who\nbegged for a proxy bang.", "And while we're on\nthe subject of family,", "I'm pretty sure you\nbanged my mom... mom beats sister.", "I never banged your mom.", "You just did the winking thing again!", "No, I didn't.", "Fine. Hey, Barney, let\nme ask you something.", "Were you... feeling a\nlittle sore this morning?", "Especially...", "Friendship over!", "Oh, yeah.", "Who's your\nguitar-player-biker-who-couldn't-find-mild-salsa-", "but-said-screw-it- and-went-medium\nbad boy?", "Marshall, your hand!", "Okay, I'm pretty\nsure it wasn't that bad,", "but this is how Uncle\nMarshall likes to tell the story.", "Oh, yeah, no, that's the cuff.", "I'm woozy, and I can't\nflex my fingers...", "and the rotten fish\nsmell is getting stronger.", "But I'm learning to\ncompensate with my left.", "Is that why last night when\nI asked you to honka honka me", "you only honka'd me?", "I didn't think you noticed.", "Snap's been jealous of Crackle all day.", "Just take the cuff off.", "No, but, baby, then\nall the sex will stop.", "Marshall, you don't need a\ncuff for me to find you sexy.", "All you have to do is smile,\nand I'm ready for you to hop on Pop.", "Thanks, baby.", "Are you too woozy to do it one last time", "before we seek\nemergency medical attention?", "Only one way to find out.", "Mm.", "I'm sorry, bro, I totally overreacted.", "You think? I can't believe\nyou're allowed to ship a dead possum.", "He died?", "That possum was\nsupposed to be an olive branch.", "Are you sure he's not\njust playing dead?", "He smells like Marshall's hand.", "And wait, you-you forgive me?", "Absolutely. Hey, I got\na couple \"cee-gars\".", "Get over here!", "All right. So, where\nare those \"cee-gars\"?", "Eh, we'll break 'em out in a minute.", "Hey, Barn.", "Ted?", "Barney, what is your sister doing here?", "Nothing, bro. Or should\nI say, bro-in-law!", "Congratulations!", "You're marrying my sister!", "And you spared no\nexpense, you big crazy!", "You know what? I love Barney,", "but this ring thing sucks.", "Some gross guy just brushed\nup against my rack", "and then apologized.", "And I think he really, really meant it.", "Oh, sweetie, I know it's\nnice to be groped by strangers,", "but nothing beats the rush you get", "when that one special\nperson looks at you.", "It's true.", "Like here in this bar,\nthere's only one thing that I see,", "and I see her brighter and more clearly", "than anything else in this world.", "You know what that is?", "That's love.", "And possibly alcohol", "mixed with some very\npowerful antibiotics.", "And that's how Barney sees you.", "And I know that's how you see Barney.", "I'd like to start the service", "with a passage from Ted's dream journal.", "\"Drowning.", "\"Gasping for air.", "No escape\".", "Wait, is that about Vietnam?", "It's about Whole Foods.", "Barney.", "We are not getting married.", "And those aisles are too narrow!", "But you two", "have to get\nmarried... otherwise, it's just", "a cheap, meaningless, disgusting\none-night stand.", "Wait, just to be clear, you're\nsaying you're opposed", "to cheap, meaningless, disgusting\none-night stands?", "Yes.", "Barney... don't you see?", "Your detox is done!", "You're over one-night stands!", "Oh, my God, you're right!", "I'm free!\n- Yeah.", "So if you think about\nit... but not too much...", "it's actually good\nthat Carly and I hooked up.", "Yeah, it's really good.", "I mean, this guy goes at\nit like he's still in his 50s.", "Hey, have a cigar, you big crazy!", "Hey, don't try to make this okay.", "You still slept with my sister.", "Promise me you will\nnever, ever do that again.", "I promise.", "You just winked.", "No, I didn't.", "You did it again!\n- No, I didn't!", "You swear, right?", "Yeah. Of course.", "That night,", "even though she still\ncouldn't get a beer,", "Robin realized the\ntrue power of the ring.", "Hey, Robin.", "Did you ever figure\nout how you're gonna get", "a drink at the bar\nnow that you're engaged?", "Oh, sure. I know a way that's\ngonna last forever.", "Scotch on the rocks?", "Coming right up.", "Now, before you say\nanything about the hat...", "this new girl's ass is phenomenal!", "Hey, Marshall, you got to see this.", "The catalog must have mixed up my order.", "You won't believe the\njeans they just sent me.", "Hilarious, right?", "Totally.", "You look like some", "suburban mom who drives a minivan", "filled with stale\nCheerios and empty juice boxes...", "probably makes", "chili mac and Frito pie for dinner...", "smells like that menthol cigarette\nthat she snuck while", "she was waiting to pick her kids up", "from hockey practice. Get over here!"], "How I Met Your Mother S08E15 P S I Love You": ["Kids, sometimes when you're\nabout to give up", "on your love life\nforever for the 17th time,", "destiny intervenes.", "Instead of rushing in, I took my time", "to think up the perfect opening line.", "Wait, no, damn it, come\nback! You're really...", "You're pretty!", "And before I could call out after her,", "in any kind of embarrassing way", "that a bunch of teenagers\nmade fun of for the next five stops", "while I stared straight ahead\nand pretended not to hear them,", "she was gone.", "But here's the thing about Ted Mosby:", "he doesn't give up.", "Stalker Ted alert.", "Repeat, Stalker Ted alert.", "Already has a yellow legal pad going.", "Repeat, already has a\nyellow legal pad going.", "I'm not stalking.", "I just jotted down a few details\nto help me find her.", "Uh, like the fact\nthat her smile was cute,", "but a bit crooked,", "which can be a sign of teeth grinding.", "So I called up the\ncity's top five TMJ specialists,", "and here's where it gets interesting.", "Not interesting, Ted, creepy.", "Let her go.", "No, this is destiny.", "No, Ted, this is forcing it.", "When Lily and I met, I\nmean, that was destiny.", "She could've knocked on any door", "to find someone to fix her stereo,", "but she knocked on mine.", "Now hand over the pad.", "Ted...", "And the backup pad.", "They were right.", "You can't force destiny.", "If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen.", "And funny story, kids...", "Oh, my God.", "It's you.", "it happened.", "Subway Girl's name is Jeanette,", "and she does grind her teeth.", "I assume that started the\nmoment she met you?", "Uh, well, the fact is", "she wanted to find me.", "The first thing I did was\nlist out all the details", "I remembered about you.", "Is... is that a yellow legal pad?", "Yeah.", "I've even got a backup.", "Oh, my God.", "You had a tweed blazer and\nchalk all over your hands,", "so I figured you were either a professor", "or a British gymnast.", "I'm bloody good on the pommel 'orse.", "Regrettin' this accent.", "Can't seem to stop.", "So then I asked the\nlady at the student center", "where I could find the youngest,", "cutest professor on staff.", "And...?", "She sent me to a physics class.", "Professor Leyborne?", "I wonder if she'd think\nDr. Goodhair was so cute", "if she knew he hasn't\nbeen published in over a year?", "Then she sent me here,", "but the security guard\nwouldn't let me in without an ID.", "I was about to give up", "when the fire alarm just sent you out.", "It was like...", "Destiny.", "Right? Right?", "It's a meet-cute.", "It's a stalk-crazy.\n- Look...", "there's a fine line", "between love and insanity.", "It's...", "the Dobler-Dahmer theory.", "Oh, no...", "Damn, I always forget the little one.\n- All right.", "If both people are into each other,", "a big romantic gesture works.", "Like Lloyd Dobler\nholding up the boom box", "outside Diane Court's\nwindow in Say Anything.", "But if one person isn't into the other,", "the same gesture comes\noff serial-killer crazy,", "or Dahmer.", "Now, Marshall, the story of", "how you asked out Lily is super sweet.", "# Lily, how you thrill me", "# But it may just even kill me", "# If you do not say \"I will-y\"", "# To this question", "# Will you go out with me?", "I will-y.", "Dobler.", "But if Lily wasn't into you?", "# Lily, how you thrill me", "# But it might just even kill me #", "# If you do not say \"I will-y\"", "# To this question", "# Will you go out with me?", "Dahmer.", "Whether a gesture's charming or alarming", "depends on how it's received.", "And I was charmed by\nJeanette finding me,", "hence... she's a Dobler.", "Don't you think it's a little convenient", "how that fire alarm\nhappened to randomly go off?", "What are you saying?", "Ted, does she have enormous cans?", "No.\n- Then what we're saying is", "she's a crazy stalker\nbitch who pulled that fire alarm", "and you should run screaming.", "You know what? I don't think", "that we should be so\ncavalier with the word \"stalker\".", "Why does that word bother you so much?", "Doesn't bother me.", "Wait... do you have a stalker?", "I don't want to talk about this.\n- What do you mean?", "As your fianc\u00e9, if you have", "some psycho stalker\nout there, I should know.", "It was me.", "I was a stalker.", "It was back in Canada.", "I liked a guy", "and he didn't like me, and...", "well, I got a little obsessed.", "I'd fill up my journals all about him,", "and eventually there may have been", "a teensy-weensy 50-meter\nrestraining order.", "50 meters?", "That's like...", "four years.", "Wow.", "You must have been a total nutbag.", "I wasn't.", "Ted is right, there is a fine line.", "Anyone can cross it and get obsessed.", "Yeah, if you're a total nutbag.", "Now... who's the guy?", "I'm not telling you until you admit", "that this can happen to anybody.", "I'm not admitting that.", "Fine. Forget it. I'm not telling you.", "Fine. Forgotten.", "\"You are so beautiful.", "\"Why can't you see me?", "\"Someday, I'll make you see me", "\"and we'll be together.", "\"P.S. I love you.", "\"P.S. I love you. P.S. I love you.", "\"P.S. I love you.", "\"P.S. I love you. P.S. I love you.", "P.S. I love you, you, you\".", "This is \"ridikilus\".", "Who cares who she was obsessed with?", "What, am I gonna go to\nCanada and track this guy down?", "Thankfully,", "unlike Uncle Barney, I\nwasn't the kind of guy", "to fixate on one little detail.", "That fire alarm... did you pull it?", "Ugh...", "This is embarrassing.", "I wasn't gonna tell you this, but...", "I'd come so far,", "only to be sent\npacking by that security guard,", "and... well...", "I'm sorry.", "I just couldn't stand the idea", "of not meeting you.", "Could not", "stand the idea", "of not meeting me.", "Was it a little over the top\nto pull that fire alarm? Perhaps.", "But it charmed me.", "Hence... Dobler.", "Aha! You see?", "People don't put fire alarms", "out in front lobbies for\njust anyone to prank pull.", "They put smoke detectors", "up on the ceiling.", "Hold on.", "I'm beginning to think that\nyou guys didn't come here", "to see my new lectern.", "Are you implying Jeanette\nstarted a fire?", "Dahmer.\n- Dobler.", "She's John Cusack,", "I'm Ione Skye,", "and there is nothing weird about that.", "Gordie Bellavoh.", "Thanks again for the free donuts, eh?", "So, you up here visiting family?", "No. I'm not Canadian.", "Not even a quarter\nCanadian on my father's side.", "Shut up.", "We're not talking \"aboot\" me...", "about me. Whoa.", "How long did you and Robin date?", "Well, it wasn't really dating.", "We'd take a sixer of\nLabatts behind the hydro plant", "and she'd let me go under\nher parka over turtleneck.", "Summer love.", "Was Robin obsessed with you?", "No.", "No.", "Robin was way more\ninto this guy named...", "Turk Grimsby.", "I hear Robin was obsessed with you?", "No. We only went out a few times,", "barely knew each other.", "All we talked about was her\nrelationship with her mother,", "the gnawing feelings of inadequacy,", "all the horrible secrets on\nthat side of the family.", "But heck, you're her fianc\u00e9.", "You know all that, right?", "Yeah.", "Robin was way more into this other guy.", "Can't seem to remember his name.", "Though sometimes a powdered jelly", "can help get the old noodle going.", "Ah...", "His name's...", "Simon Tremblay.", "I should have known.", "Eh.", "Thanks for the free donuts.\n- They're just donuts!", "Okay? They're like two\nfor a loonie... dollar.", "What's happening?", "Oh, somebody moosed\ndown all the jellies.", "Have you been hanging\nout with Turk Grimsby?", "So how serious were you and Robin?", "Well, serious\nenough to pop the question.", "Wow. Really?\n- Yeah, sure.", "Got down on one goalie pad,", "I said, \"Robin,", "could we keep dating but I\nget to stick it to other babes?\"", "Turned me down.", "I'm so sorry.", "Oh, that's okay.", "I really wanted to\nstick it to Louise Marsh.", "Still, as the years pass, and\nyou take stock of your life,", "part of me wishes I could've kept\nsticking it to Robin, too.", "So are you the one that Robin stalked?", "Oh, that story goes\nback to the 1996 Grey Cup.", "What in God's name is that?", "Only Canada's Super Bowl.", "Didn't you ever see", "Robin Sparkles: Underneath the Tunes", "on MuchMusic?", "Again, I have to go with:", "what in God's name is that?", "It's only Canada's VH1 Behind the Music.", "There's one all about Robin Sparkles.", "Tells you the whole\nstory from \"A\" to zed.", "Kids, relationships are built on trust.", "So unlike Uncle Barney,", "I wasn't gonna keep\ndigging and digging...", "Did you start a fire?", "Ugh...", "This is embarrassing.", "I wasn't gonna tell you this, but...", "I'd come so far,", "only to be sent\npacking by that security guard,", "and... well...", "I'm sorry.", "I just couldn't stand the idea", "of not meeting you.", "Could not", "stand the idea", "of not meeting me.", "She set a fire, Ted!", "Dahmer.", "You're just jealous 'cause\nLily never burned anything for you.", "Clearly you never tried her pot roast.", "I actually brought this for\nsomething totally different,", "but it worked out, right?", "Okay, anyway, here's my thing.", "Ladies and gentlemen,", "I have in my back pocket", "the answer to the question", "\"Who was Robin obsessed with?\"", "Hang on tight.", "It's Robin Sparkles 4, y'all!", "With her jelly bracelets, graffiti coat,", "and totally rad robot, no one", "symbolized the 1990s in\nCanada like Robin Sparkles.", "But as we'd all learn one heartbreaking\nGrey Cup Sunday,", "Canada's sweetheart had a dark side.", "I'll never forget that moment.", "A little piece of Canada died that day.", "To see her throw her\nlife away like that...", "it was heartbreaking.", "I am so happy right now.", "I want to see her\nthrow her life away so badly.", "Yeah.\n- We're all terrible people... turn it up.", "Sparkles' hit records", "\"Let's go to the Mall\"\nand \"Sandcastles in the Sand\"", "both went maple with \"Mall\" eventually\ngoing double maple.", "I never admitted this till\nnow, but before a big game,", "I'd listen to \"Sand Castles in the Sand\"", "and get a good cry on.", "I'm not ashamed.", "But after endless\ntouring, Robin started to crack.", "Who doesn't love the mall?", "Shopping with your friends and...", "I can't do this.", "Get this out of my face, please.", "Thank you, pardon me, thanks, sorry.", "Even when Canadians are\nmean, they're polite.", "Her record producer\nChuck \"Chuck\" Gerusi.", "Robin Sparkles was big.", "Gino Vannelli big, who\nI discovered by the way.", "Robin's next song,", "\"P.S. I Love You,\" was so dark", "Dominant Records refused to release it.", "Few have ever seen the\nlong-lost music video,", "but we found it.", "# You, you're beautiful", "# On your pedestal", "# I see you", "# You don't see me", "# Am I just too young", "# Or just too dumb", "# Or maybe just too grungy", "# And I'm wearing my\nflannel and I'm thinking of you #", "# I lace up my boots", "# And I'm thinking of you...", "This is the most 1990s\nmusic video of all time.", "All it needs is a shirtless old man", "in black and white for no reason.", "# I'll never move\non, it'll always be you #", "# Every guy that I'm\nwith, I'll be thinking of you #", "# If I get married, he'll\nalways be second to you #", "That's got to feel good. #\nI'll always be waiting for you #", "# P.S. I love you.", "In 1996, we booked the\nhalftime show for the Grey Cup.", "Huge gig.", "We're talking Ivor Wynne\nStadium in Hamilton,", "just outside of Guelph.", "It doesn't get any bigger than that.", "Hello, Canada.", "I'm Robin Sparkles.", "Oh.", "Actually...", "I was Robin Sparkles.", "The whole stadium went silent.", "Right then, I knew\nsomething terrible was gonna happen.", "My stomach started churning.", "But Robin Sparkles is dead.", "All I could hear was Paul\nShaffer's stomach growling.", "Stress goes to my stomach... sue me.", "It was kind of disgusting.", "I'm sorry, Jason Priestley,", "I didn't realize you\nwere the Queen of England.", "My new name is...", "Robin Daggers!", "Two, three, four!", "# You, you're beautiful", "That day is now", "known in music history as\nthe day grunge was born.", "In 1996, in Canada?", "That seems right, Trebek.", "Give him a break, he's not a music guy.", "That day is now known in music history", "as the day that grunge was born.", "Well, that's a bummer.", "It was tragic.", "I mean, to this day,", "you ask any Canadian where they were", "when Robin Sparkles lost\nit, not only can they tell you", "which Tim Hortons they were in,\nbut what donut they were eating.", "Me? Wawa, Ontario.", "Blueberry fritter.", "Halifax, Nova Scotia.", "Walnut crunch.", "Victoriaville, Quebec.", "Sour cream plain.", "Sudbury, Ontario.", "Honey dip.", "Red Deer, Alberta.", "Chocolate glaze.", "Squamish, British Columbia.", "Crammed a Timbit into\na strawberry vanilla", "and invented The Priestley.", "Should've been the best day of my life.", "It was horrifying on so many levels.", "Actually, you know what?", "I'm sorry, I can't...", "I just can't talk about this.", "I'm out of here, okay? I'm out of here.", "Here, excuse me.", "I'm sorry, will you take...", "No, no, don't move, I'm out...", "Sorry, sorry.", "Speculation began immediately.", "Who was Robin Sparkles singing about", "with those angry, obsessive lyrics?", "Many names were suggested.", "It wasn't me.", "It wasn't me.", "Wasn't me.", "It wasn't me.", "It wasn't me.", "It wasn't me.", "Why does everyone always think", "it's me?", "I wish it was me.", "But one name comes\nup more than any other.", "Alan Thicke.", "How can I help you?", "Donut?", "Whoa!", "Whoa. What happened to you?", "We watched Robin Sparkles:\nUnderneath the Tunes today.", "Wait, what?", "You guys get MuchMusic down here?", "And that video lead me to...", "I am engaged to Robin Scherbatsky,", "and I know that she wrote\n\"P.S. I Love You\" for you.", "Now-now, why is she so\nobsessed with you?", "What? That song's not about me.", "Then who is it \"aboot\"... about.", "Damn it.", "I don't know.", "I always thought it was Coulier.", "It wasn't me.", "Stop asking.", "Geez, cut it out.", "I always liked that joke.", "Alan Thicke kicked your ass.", "He lied, didn't he?", "It was Alan Thicke!", "Wow.", "It sounds like you've become\na bit obsessed, huh, Barney?", "I am not obsessed.", "All I did was break into your apartment", "and read your teenage journals,", "and fly to Vancouver to interrogate\nyour ex-boyfriends,", "and fight beloved Canadian\nactor Alan Thicke", "to a draw.", "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!", "So,", "ready to admit it?", "Anyone can get obsessed.", "Thank you.", "And now, I am ready to tell you", "who \"P.S. I Love You\" is about.", "Who?", "\"P.S\".", "Paul Shaffer.", "Paul Shaffer?", "I know, so stereotypical.", "Every young Canadian girl fantasizes", "about being with Paul Shaffer.", "At the Grey Cup gig, Paul\nwas sitting in the front row.", "# I'll always be waiting for you #", "No wonder his stomach was growling.", "I feel bad that I scared Paul.", "He's amazing.", "But I have no regrets.", "I was done being Robin Sparkles.", "You're not gonna go get", "beat up by Paul Shaffer now, are you?", "I can't believe it.", "I'm a total Dahmer.", "Yeah, but you're my Dahmer,", "which makes you a Dobler.", "Just like Jeanette.", "No, Ted,", "what that woman did to\nrun in to you was bonkers.", "That's just not how you\nstart a healthy relationship.", "Tell him, Lil.", "I can't stand it anymore.", "I've been living a lie.", "See?", "I saw you at orientation", "and I needed an excuse to meet you,", "so...", "Ah!", "I didn't know which room you were in,", "so I had to create a little destiny.", "Okay.", "I'm sorry, I just", "couldn't stand the\nidea of not meeting you.", "Could...", "not stand the idea", "of not meeting me.", "I'm sorry, Ted.", "You were right.", "Jeanette's a Dobler.", "So are you.", "Thanks, buddy.", "You know, if you hadn't been reading", "the exact same book as me,", "we never would've met.", "I mean, that's destiny.", "Oh, look.", "You bought it in the\nsame bookstore I did.", "On the same day.", "Within ten minutes of me buying mine.", "Ugh...", "Uh, this is embarrassing.", "I wasn't gonna tell you this, but\nI followed you to that bookstore.", "I just couldn't stand the\nidea of not meeting you.", "You followed me to the\nbookstore from where?", "How long have you been following me?", "Uh, this is embarrassing.", "Uh, remember when you were on the\ncover of New York Magazine?", "That was like a year and a half ago.", "Yeah.", "Before a man meets the\nwoman he'll marry,", "he'll make one final, horrible mistake.", "For me, that was Jeanette.", "# P.S. I Love You.", "# The law can't stop my love #", "# I'll fit you like a glove #", "# Restraining orders don't scare me #", "# The lawyers at the record company #", "# Made me promise to say", "# I'm totally a\nslacker and I don't even care #", "# With my curling\n'zines and my faraway stare #", "# But deep down inside,\nyeah deep down inside I'm dying #", "# I'm trapped in a\ncage of the tears I cry #", "# I praying to God, but\nshe doesn't reply #", "# Even the robot says", "Move on.", "# I'm trying! #", "# P.S. I love you."], "How I Met Your Mother S08E16 Bad Crazy": ["Kids, early in this story,\nyou may recall me saying", "something along the lines of...", "Okay, no more dating.", "I am ready to settle down.", "And at the time, I\nprobably thought I meant it.", "But, kids, I'll be honest.", "Being single's fun.", "As a young unattached\nman in New York City,", "I had a great time.", "A great time.", "What was I saying? Oh, yeah.", "I had such a great time\nthat it took someone very special", "to make me want to settle down.", "And that someone...", "was Jeanette.", "What made Jeanette so special? Well...", "That was a foul!", "Jeanette was the last girl I dated", "before I met your mother.", "The girl who finally got me to say...", "No more dating.", "I'm ready to settle down.", "and really mean it.", "Oh!", "But let's back up a little bit.", "She broke your TV with a beer bottle?", "In her defense, she was\naiming for the window.", "Dude, you gotta get rid of this girl.", "Agreed. Cray-cray\ngotta go bye-bye", "before you get stab-stabbed.", "Oh, really?", "And are you guys saying\nthis because you don't want me", "to be with Jeanette,\nor because you want me", "to stay single so you\nguys can keep your clubhouse?", "J'accuse!", "I had a point,", "and they knew it.", "You see, in early 2013,", "I was the only single guy in the group.", "Which meant whenever\nMarshall or Barney bought something", "they weren't allowed to\nkeep in their apartments...", "You know what, Ted? That reminds me.", "I just bought this antique Swiss clock,", "but Robin won't let us\nput it in the apartment,", "so I was gonna leave it at your place.", "Only problem? It's broken.", "So I was just gonna sit\nhere and try to fix it", "while maybe you tell us what\nyou and Jeanette did last night?", "Okay. Well... Jeanette is\na big Marilyn Monroe fan.", "There you go! Now it's working!", "Sorry. Sorry. Go on. Go\non. She's a Marilyn Monroe fan", "so I guess you\nwatched one of her movies?", "Uh, No, we had a s\u00e9ance.", "Look at that! Good as new.", "Anyway, were you able to contact Marilyn", "in the spirit world?", "No. We talked to her cat.", "Screw loose! That's the problem.", "Uh-oh.", "Looks like somebody's hungry.", "I'm gonna get his food ready.", "Robin, can you grab him?", "Can I? Try and stop me!", "Now, kids, what Lily didn't realize...", "what none of us\nrealized, in fact... was that", "in the eight months since\nyour cousin Marvin was born,", "Robin had never once held him.", "The truth was, the thought of\nholding him terrified her,", "so she had always avoided\nit, ever so discreetly.", "Can you hold... Oh,\nshoot! Look at that!", "Oh, geez.", "I got him.", "Come here, you little munchkin.", "Aw, man...", "Oh, well, I call next.", "Well, I should go. It's\ntime for Jeanette's... something.", "Time for Jeanette's what, Ted?", "Uh, we're taking her dog to an exorcist.", "Wow, Ted, that sounds...", "Crap, it's really broken now.", "Okay, fine. I admit it. She's crazy.", "Obviously.", "But I'm not in this for the long haul.", "It's just, you know, it's just fun.", "Of course it's fun, at first.", "But then when she starts\ncalling out the name of her", "high school science\nteacher in the throes of passion,", "it's really fun.", "But then when she\nstarts bringing knives into bed", "and making you fear for your safety?", "It's really, really fun.", "But then when she\nstarts unbuttoning your pants", "while you're being\nforced to drive blindfolded", "down the freeway with\na gun pointed at your...", "I'm sorry, what were we talking about?", "Jeanette.", "Oh, right. That girl's crazy.", "You gotta break up with her. I know.", "I know. You're right. I\nhave to break up with her.", "I should do it in a\npublic place, though,", "so she doesn't flip out.", "So the next night, I\nmet her in a public place", "so she wouldn't flip out.", "I will kill you, ref!", "I will kill you in\nfront of all these people!", "Oh, boy. What, you think I won't", "just 'cause I'm in a public place?", "I'll go to jail for the\nrest of my life if I have to!", "Listen, before the game\nstarts, I think we need to talk.", "I can't believe Ted's dead.", "I know.", "What a way to go.", "Killed by a bazooka.", "All right, all right, so\nI'm not on my game today.", "Anyway...", "I gotta hop out for a bit.", "You guys stay here.", "Oh, and... if Jeanette comes by,", "do not let her into the apartment.", "Don't let her in. Got it.", "Guys, this is serious. This\ngirl is like bedbugs.", "Once she's in the\napartment, there's no getting her out.", "Ted, buddy,", "how long have we been dealing", "with Barney's\ninsane girlfriends? Years.", "Nigh on a decade!", "I had to testify in\nfive competency hearings.", "I think we can handle Jeanette.", "Okay, okay.", "See you soon.", "That kid. Am I right?", "Now look who forgot his keys.", "What is it?", "Meanwhile, Lily and\nRobin were out getting lunch,", "when disaster struck.", "Oh, God, I left his binky on that bus!", "Wait. Don't you have other binkies?", "That one's his favorite!\nHe'll know the difference!", "I'm not gonna let this be the reason", "he resents me later in life!", "If he starts crying, just pick him up!", "What? Uh...", "Okay, okay. Yeah, there,\nthere, there. Okay.", "Hey, I'm back. Did I miss anything?", "Nope.", "Did Jeanette come by?", "Jeanette? I know lots of Jeanettes.", "Um...", "Guys! Okay, she came by", "because she forgot her book.", "So we let her go up in\nyour room and get it.", "And then?", "And then what?", "And then she left?", "I think she left.", "Are you sure she left?", "I am... 90% sure...", "that she left.", "80 percent.", "Actually, I'm gonna change my answer.", "I am now starting to\nthink she never left,", "and instead she\nbarricaded herself in your room.", "And I'm never coming out!", "A hundred percent.", "I cannot believe you guys!", "Well, maybe if you had given\nus a warning that she was crazy!", "Dude, it's okay.", "She can't stay in there forever.", "She'll have to come out to eat and drink", "and go to the bathroom, right?", "Now, a few months earlier,", "the East Coast had\nbeen hit by a bad storm,", "and some intelligent, forward-thinking", "New Yorkers took it as a wake-up call,", "making sure to stock their\nbedrooms with enough", "food and water to last months,", "not to mention a portable\nwaste management system.", "It was really the smart thing to do.", "You dumbass!", "Really, Ted. How could you\nbe so unbelievably stupid?", "No, no, you guys are\nthe ones who invited", "a vampire into my apartment!\nThis is your fault!", "And P.S., if this disaster", "had been a superstorm instead\nof a hot lunatic,", "you'd all be begging to eat\nmy freeze-dried protein paste", "and crap in my biohazard\nbucket. Just sayin'.", "I got it.", "It was on the floor of the bus.", "I should probably throw it out. Eh.", "Did he give you any problems?", "He cried a little, but then he stopped.", "Oh, good. Anything else happen?", "Nope.", "That... is... it.", "All gone!", "We have to do this more often.", "Oh, we totally do.", "I can't believe\nMarvin's in kindergarten.", "He's growing up so fast.", "Can I confess something to you?", "Remember the day you\nleft Marvin's binky on the bus", "and you left me alone with him? Yeah.", "Well, I didn't tell you\nthis at the time, but...", "Okay, okay. Yeah, there, there, there.", "Okay, shh, shh.", "Oh, no, it looks\nlike somebody's not happy.", "No kidding. I'm miserable.", "Listen to this thing.", "He probably just wants to be held.", "I think you're right.", "Can you do it?", "All right.", "Come here, handsome. Oh. Yeah.", "Yes.", "Oh.", "I let a stranger pick\nup Marvin. I'm sorry.", "It's just, I hadn't\nactually picked him up", "at that point, and I was scared, so...", "You know what? It was four years ago.", "He's obviously fine. Don't\neven worry about it.", "Really? Yeah.", "Thank you.", "I mean, as long as\nthere's not more to that story.", "Nope. That... is... it.", "Jeanette, you have to leave!", "In a minute!", "I still haven't found that book!", "Listen, Jeanette, I\ndidn't want to do this,", "but I called the\npolice. They're on their way.", "All units, all units.", "Possible 10-90 in progress", "at 521 West 82nd, apartment 15.", "Where's that coming from?", "Is that you, Dolores?", "Jeanette? Hey, girl. How you been?", "Oh, you know, I'm just doing me.", "Anyway, I'll check out that 10-90.", "Okay, but remember...", "I know, no excessive force.", "Last thing I need is\nanother suspension, am I right?", "And that, kids, was how I found out", "what Jeanette did for a living.", "Wait a second.", "Is she a cop?", "I think she's a cop!", "Did you know she was a cop?", "I didn't know she was a cop!", "Ted, I'm sorry I have to say\nthis... Jeanette lives here now.", "This is her place. You're\ngonna have to leave.", "What?", "Why don't you have to leave?", "They can stay.", "Thank you, Officer\nJeanette. Thank you, Officer Jeanette.", "All gone.", "We need to do this more often.", "We totally do. I can't believe", "Marvin's in middle school.", "Oh, he's growing up so fast.", "Can I confess something to you?", "Remember that day you\nleft Marvin's binky", "on the bus and I let that\nold lady pick him up?", "I seem to recall that\nwas the entire story.", "There's a little bit more.", "There, there, little one.", "Let's put you back in your strolly-poo,", "so you can drift off\nto dreamy-dreamy land.", "Oh, thank you so much.", "Yeah, this is my first\ntime alone with him,", "and, you know... I have\nthis weird feeling that I'm gonna,", "I don't know, like, drop\nhim or injure him in some way,", "which is completely insane.", "But... Oh, heavens.", "Oh, my God!", "Oh, my God.", "I know, I'm so sorry.", "Well, you know what?", "That was what, 12 years ago?", "Don't even worry about it.", "Really? Yeah.", "Oh, thank you.", "Just promise me there's\nno more to that story.", "Nope, that is it.", "Are you sure you want to do this?", "The girl's a cop.", "Yeah, this seems like a really bad idea.", "I don't care.", "I am going into that bedroom", "because this is my home", "and I have to defend it.", "But mostly because", "my allergy medication", "is in there!", "All right, just be careful, okay?", "This girl is really crazy.", "Yeah, why can't she just accept\nthe fact that you guys broke up?", "I know, I know, why\ncan't she just accept that?", "Why, it's, like, why?", "It might be because we\ndidn't actually break up.", "Aw, man.", "Jeanette, come on, that's vintage vinyl.", "Ted, did you or didn't you break up", "with Jeanette last night?", "I don't know, it's kind of confusing.", "I think we need to talk.", "Oh, oh, okay.", "I see where this is going.", "You're in love with Lily.", "That's it, isn't it?", "What? No, I...", "Like I should be surprised with\nher fancy medical degree", "and her sexy Southern drawl.", "What? She's not...", "Don't talk to me, don't look at me.", "I hate you and I never\nwant to see you again!", "And then things got crazy", "and we got thrown out\nof the Barclays Center.", "I don't know, it felt pretty breakup-y.", "Mm. Anyway,", "we parted on pretty bad terms, so...", "I kind of thought maybe I could...", "Never contact her\nagain and hope she'd take", "the hint and just leave you alone?", "Barney, give me some credit.", "Was that the plan? Yes.", "All gone. We need to do this more often.", "We totally do.", "I can't believe Marvin's in high school.", "He's growing up so fast.", "Can I confess something\nto you? Oh, no. What?", "What happened?", "Tell me what you did to my son.", "This is not going well at all.", "Oh, honey, you are shaking.", "Let's get you out of the cold.", "What's open near here?", "You took my infant\nchild to a strip club?", "It was just topless.", "He saw yours all the time anyway.", "Okay, I'm sorry, I\nshouldn't have done that,", "but that is all there is.", "Okay, there is no more to the story.", "I have now told you everything.", "All gone.", "We need to do this more\noften. We totally do.", "I can't believe Marvin's driving.", "He's growing up so fast.", "Okay, there's one other thing.", "What?", "Well, I have to go use the ladies' room.", "Can you watch him for me?", "Of course.", "I could just eat you up.", "You left him with a complete stranger?", "He could've been...", "Robin, how could you? Lily,", "please, okay, it was 16 years ago.", "He's fine.", "You're right.", "It's fine.", "God, it feels so good to\nhave gotten this off my chest.", "Finally it is all on the table.", "All secrets are exposed\nand there is nothing left", "to be revealed.", "All gone. We need to do this more...", "There's more to the\nstory. Damn it, Robin.", "What could you possibly have left out?", "It's just there's...", "one little detail that I\nmay have slightly altered.", "If he starts crying, just pick him up.", "Yeah, there, there.", "Come on, buddy, shh.", "Looks like somebody's unhappy.", "No kidding, I'm miserable.", "Listen to this thing.", "Maybe he needs to be held.", "I think you're right.", "Can you do it?", "Sure.", "Come here, handsome.", "Come here, come here, you\nhandsome devil, you.", "You're such a beautiful...", "Aw, you're such a cool dude.", "Oh, look at you, oh.", "All right, there, there,\nlittle one, there, there.", "Let me put you back in your strolly-poo", "so you can drift off\nto dreamy-dreamy land.", "Okay? All right.", "Thank you so much.", "Hey, don't worry about it.", "It's my first time alone with him,", "and I just have this weird feeling", "I'm gonna drop him", "or injure him in some way.", "I know it's completely insane...", "Oh, heavens, oh, watch it, no!", "No!", "This is not going well at all.", "Oh, hon, you're shaking.", "Let's get out of the cold.", "Is there anything open near here?", "Hey, I need to go to the\nladies' room... can you watch him for me?", "Of course. I could just eat you up.", "Look at you, yum, yum, yum, yum.", "You waited 17 years to tell me", "that you met the greatest\nboxer of all time?", "My son was rocked to\nsleep by Senator Mike Tyson?", "I wanted to tell you,\nbelieve me. How could you...?", "Okay, this is the right thing to do.", "You got to go up there and\nbreak up with her for real.", "And don't worry, if anything happens,", "just scream, we'll come rescue you.", "Okay.", "Did you guys not hear\nme screaming up there?", "Aw, I feel so awful.", "We went to get subs.", "We got you one though.", "We didn't get you one.", "So, Jeanette's squatting in your room?", "What are you guys doing here?", "We heard you screaming\nfrom three blocks away.", "Why is she in there?", "Lily, there is no reason why.", "That's like asking why\nis the earth round?", "Why does the sun come\nup in the morning?", "What do I do for a living?", "There are some questions we're\nnot meant to know the answer to.", "Crazy girls are crazy\nbecause they're crazy.", "I don't think it's quite that simple.", "I was talking", "to a friend of mine about\nTed and Jeanette.", "Oh, great, what friend is this?", "Uh, just this wise old lady that I know.", "Here's the thing about crazy.", "When a guy sends\nmixed signals to a girl,", "it takes a toll on her psychological\nwell-being.", "You want to know why a girl acts crazy,", "look at the guy she's dating.", "Then you really see some crazy.", "Trust me.", "Are you Mike Tyson?", "Now, hold on.", "I've dated tons of\ncrazy girls in my life,", "and not once have I ever\ntreated them with anything other than...", "Oh, right, I'm a monster.", "Maybe the old lady with\nthe face tattoo is right.", "Maybe the reason\nJeanette's acting this way", "is Ted.", "Me? How is this my fault?", "Yeah, come on, this is\nTed we're talking about.", "I'm sure he didn't do\nanything to lead her on", "or send mixed signals, right, Ted?", "Don't talk to me, don't look at me.", "I hate you and I never\nwant to see you again!", "And we got thrown out\nof the Barclays Center.", "Okay, that's disappointing.", "So disappointing.", "Seriously.", "But that was last\nnight. I mean, it's not like...", "Listen, Jeanette, we really need", "to have a serious talk about our...", "So, did Lily leave these boots here", "or was it some other bitch?", "Marshall, Barney, help me!", "I don't think they're coming.", "I guess not.", "It's those red boots.", "They just look sexy on everyone.", "Okay, Ted, what is with the red boots?", "You're a smart guy, you've\ngot some taste,", "you got a visual sense, I mean,", "you're an architect for Pete's sakes.", "How can you look at those\nboots and think...", "Oh, my God, I'm holding\nit, I'm holding the baby.", "What, you've never held him before?", "Uh, tons of times.", "This-this is not a big moment for me.", "This is exhilarating.", "Look, yes, I know what you're gonna say.", "I have to break up with her. No,", "I was actually gonna say the opposite.", "I think you need to be\nwith Jeanette right now.", "Because she's the one.", "No. What? No.", "She's insane.", "But I think you are also\na little insane right now.", "So I think you need to go", "be with your crazy girl for a\nwhile and when it all goes down", "in flames... and I don't\nmean that figuratively,", "I expect there to be actual flames...", "And there were.", "we'll be here for\nyou because we love you.", "Jeanette I just want to say that...", "you going through my stuff like that...", "You are really something special.", "I'm gonna send Lily a\ndead animal in the mail.", "I think I'm falling for you.", "I think we should have a\nthree-way with my therapist.", "He's 70.", "What is your ring size?", "Robin.", "It's 3:00 in the morning.", "Really?", "Yeah, you sure you don't want to just", "put him in the crib\nand, you know, go home?", "No, I'm good.", "Okay.", "Good night.", "Good night.", "What's that smell?", "Lily! Lily!"], "How I Met Your Mother S08E17 The Ashtray": ["Thanks.", "That's weird. I have a message.", "That's weird.", "You still have an answering machine.", "Ted, this is the Captain.", "Please call me back at\nyour earliest convenience.", "Oh, crap.", "Kids, you remember the Captain.", "He was one of the\nrichest men in New York,", "and when I met him, he\nwas married to Zoey,", "who I ended up... befriending.", "Oh, man, he seems pissed.\n- Does he?", "Yes. Listen.", "Ted, this is the Captain.", "Please call me back at\nyour earliest convenience.", "Oh, I hear it now.", "What? I don't know.", "Listen again.", "Ted, this is the Captain.", "Please call me back at\nyour earliest convenience.", "He sounds pissed.", "Yeah, and I think I know why.", "It has to do with the\nlast time I saw him.", "It was... it was,\nlike, a year and a half ago.", "Oh, boy, that was a crazy story.", "Oh, boy, yeah.", "I remember.", "You weren't there.", "Ted, bubbeleh.", "If you have a crazy story, I was there.", "That's just a law of the universe.", "So what happened?", "Well, it was a few weeks", "after Zoey and I broke\nup, and I was on the rebound,", "and I kind of rekindled\nthings with that girl, Becky.", "Becky?\n- Boats, boats, boats.", "Boats, boats, boats!", "Boats!", "What's this a commercial for again?", "I can't quite...", "Boats, boats, boats!", "Oh, get a room, you two.", "You weren't there.\n- I was, too.", "All right, you were\nthere? Tell me the story.", "I like the way you tell it.", "Please, I insist.", "Okay, we'll tell it together.", "Okay.", "Lily...\n- Lily...", "had invited us...\n- had invited us...", "to an art...\n- Garfunkel concert.", "gallery opening.", "An Art Garfunkel gallery\nopening concert.", "Go on, Ted. You're doing great.", "Anyway, I get to the gallery...", "This place is so fancy.", "I hope I don't embarrass myself.", "What? Lily, come on.", "You got nothing to be embarrassed about.", "Dude, look who it is.", "And who should walk in but...", "Daddy's home.", "Nope.", "Well, well, Ted Mosby, my old nemesis.", "What are you doing here?", "Um, well... Lily saw an ad for this...", "Gallery?", "So we... we came to check out the...", "Artwork.", "And then we ran into...", "Me.", "Man, this guy's so rude.", "I mean, I get why he's mad.", "I did stick it to his\nex-wife... repeatedly.", "Still, he's being a jerk.", "Someone needs to bring him down a peg.", "I'm sorry. Where are my...", "Manners.", "That's how that feels.", "This is my art consultant.", "Shelly.", "Art consultant? What's that?", "Oh, Shelly helps the Captain", "select artwork based\non its aesthetic appeal", "and value as an investment.", "That's why I think she's\ngonna love this elephant painting.", "I think this artist is going places.", "Well, I should go.", "Captain, we'll talk tomorrow?", "At ease.", "Hey, if you like art,", "you should see the\npainting I just acquired.", "It's in my apartment just upstairs.", "It's gonna blow you away.", "Anyone with this kind of ashtray money", "probably has an\nisland where he hunts people.", "Probably somewhere in the Caribbean.", "I bet there's good snorkeling.", "Hello, my darling, my one\ntrue love, my everything.", "So, who wants to see that painting?", "Okay, Captain, we know why you\nbrought us up here. It's...", "it's about me and Zoey.", "Ted,", "if you've got something to say,", "say it.", "A harpoon gun?", "A double-barreled harpoon gun.", "One barrel.\n- With a scope.", "No scope.", "I know you're upset,\nCaptain, but I promise you", "nothing happened between me and Zoey\nuntil after you guys split up, okay?", "So let's...", "Let's please, just-just-just\nput this down.", "Okay? Okay, oh, there we go.", "Look, Ted,", "I'm not mad at you.", "The truth is I'm in love with somebody\nelse now, so we're fine.", "Just don't steal this\none from me, too, okay?", "Okay?", "Of course.", "I promise.\n- Okay.", "But that got me thinking.", "Who was this new lady in his life?", "I had this weird sinking feeling.", "We both did.", "I had to see that picture.", "So I waited until everyone", "was out of the room, and then...", "Boats, boats, boats!\n- No.", "No...!", "She's \"boats, boats,\nboats,\" and he's the Captain.", "That's sweet, I'm happy for those two.", "Ted, you suck.", "Oh, my God, oh, my God.", "It's him, it's him. What do I do?", "What do I do?\n- Ted, wait a second.", "What do I do?\n- Wait a second. Wait a second!", "Hey, is there any\nchance that he is calling", "to invite the three\nof us out on his boat?", "Uh, I don't know, maybe\nlike one percent.", "Ted's phone. Hold for Ted.", "Hello.", "Ted, I'm gonna ask you something,", "and I want you to be completely honest.", "What's your friend Robin's number?", "What?", "Ted, ask about the boat.", "Uh, Captain, can...\ncan I put you on hold?", "Affirmative.", "He wants Robin's number.", "Should I give it to him?", "Is he trying to hook\nup with my fianc\u00e9e?", "No, uh-uh.", "The only way that's happening is\nif I get to hook up with someone, too.", "Wait a second... No.", "Unless... Absolutely not.", "However... Forget it. On\nthe other hand... Ixnay!", "Guys, guys, I got to\nmake a decision here.", "Okay, you know what, I say do it.", "If it is a booty call, then\nRobin will just let him down easy,", "but in the meantime, Ted is\nback on the Captain's good side.", "We all get to go out on\nhis boat, I get to steer it.", "Everybody wins.", "Okay.", "Fine. Give him her number.", "You don't think she'll mind?\n- I don't think she'll mind.", "You gave the Captain my number?", "She minds.", "Do you not remember that night we\nhung out with him at the art show?", "Oh, right, of course you don't remember\nbecause, earlier that night,", "you shared a big, fat\nsandwich with Becky.", "Boats, boats, boats!", "What's this a commercial for again?", "Yeah, so?", "I hardly think that changes the story.", "Mmm. Mmm.", "Delicious!", "This place is so fancy.", "I hope I don't embarrass myself.", "Oh, come on, Lily.", "You got nothing to be embarrassed about.", "Dude, look who's here.", "Daddy's home.", "Nope.\n- Nope.", "Well, well.", "Ted Mosby, my old nemesis.", "What are you doing here?", "Well, Lily...", "saw an ad for this...", "Gallery.", "So we thought we'd...", "come and check out the...", "Artwork?", "And then we ran into...", "Me?", "And the Captain wasn't glaring at you.", "He couldn't take his eyes off...", "Hey, nice to see you again.", "Yeah, you, too.", "Oh.", "Man, this guy is so rude.", "I mean, I get why he's upset.", "I did stick it to his\nex-wife... repeatedly.", "Still, the guy's being a jerk.", "Someone needs to take him down a peg.", "Sorry.", "Where are my manners?", "This is Shelly, my art consultant.", "Art consultant? What's that?", "Shelly helps the Captain select artwork", "based on aesthetic...\n- Manners!", "That's how that feels.", "appeal", "and value as an investment,", "and that's why I think she's gonna\nlove this elephant painting.", "I think this artist is going places.", "Well, I should go.", "Captain, we'll talk tomorrow.", "If you like art,", "you should see the\npainting I just acquired.", "It's gonna blow you away.", "Snorkeling.", "Then, after I saved you from destroying", "a priceless crystal ashtray...", "You're welcome.", "Hello, my darling,", "my one true love, my everything.", "Ahoy?", "So who wants to see that painting?", "Okay, Captain.", "We all know why you brought us up here.", "This is about me and...", "Zoey.", "All right, Ted.", "If you've got something to say,", "say it.", "Whoa, whoa.", "A remote control?\n- A remote control.", "Let's relax.", "I know you're upset, Captain.", "I just... I want to assure you", "nothing happened between me and Zoey", "until after you guys had split up.", "So let's just... let's\njust... let's put this down.", "Okay, okay.", "There we go.", "Ted, I'm not mad at you.", "Truth is, I'm in love\nwith somebody else now.", "So he invited me back to his bedroom", "to show me this painting, and...", "Finally.", "We're alone.", "Robin, no, I don't want", "to picture that.\n- Nothing happened.", "Aw, that means hand stuff.\n- What?", "No.", "I'm serious... he was on the rebound.", "I told him to take some time\nto pull himself together and...", "call me in a year and a half.", "Ah, great.", "What if he asks you out?", "What does that mean for\nour relationship?", "What, are we planning to\nbe in some super-enlightened,", "forward-thinking marriage,", "where we don't get\nhung up on the suffocating", "and outdated principles of monogamy,", "and instead enjoy the\ncompany of multiple partners,", "sometimes bringing said partners\ninto our marital bed,", "but just girls, not dudes,", "except maybe one time\njust to see what that's like?", "I mean, is that what you want?", "No.", "Okay.", "Me, neither!", "Okay, Robin, look, you-you\nneed to call the Captain", "and let him down easy, okay?", "Let him move on with his life.", "Let him go out on his\nboat with his old friends,", "maybe some new friends.", "Maybe let one of those new\nfriends steer the boat.", "Just so that one of them could say,", "\"Iceberg straighthead!\"", "Fine.", "Ahoy.", "Hi. Captain, it's Robin.", "Ahoy.", "Uh, look,", "I... have to be upfront with you.", "I'm engaged.", "Engaged? I thought you\nwere married to Marshall.", "This is Robin right?", "The redheaded kindergarten teacher", "who wore the gray\ndress and the blue shoes", "to that art show?", "Can you please hold a moment?", "Dropping anchor.", "He's looking for Lily.", "Should I give him her number?", "Yeah. We've already discussed it.", "It's $4 million cash.", "Oh, her phone number. Yes,\nI don't think she'll mind.", "You gave the Captain my number?", "She minds.", "It finally happened.", "My past finally caught up with me.", "Oh, God.", "Lily, if you tell me that you", "slept with the Captain\nfor anything under 2.8,", "which we agreed was as\nlow as we were going to go...", "No, it's nothing like that.", "Do you guys remember the last\ntime we saw the Captain?", "Yes.\n- Oh, right.", "Of course you don't. Barney,\nyou weren't there.", "Ted, you had just floated\nout of a Snoop Dogg B-side.", "And, Robin, you had just come\nfrom that big meeting that ran long.", "Delicious. Shrimpy for me.", "This place is so fancy.", "I hope I don't embarrass myself.", "Come on, Lily, you have\nnothing to be embarrassed about.", "Dude! Look who's here!", "Daddy's...", "Nope.\n- Nope.", "Well, well.", "Ted Mosby, my old nemesis.", "Hello, sailor.", "No!", "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.", "Okay, yeah, that's what happened.", "This is Shelly, my art consultant.", "Art consultant!", "What's that?", "Shelly helps the Captain select artwork", "based on its aesthetic appeal\nand its value as an investment,", "which is why I think she's\ngonna love this elephant painting.", "I think this artist is going places.", "You'd have to be a real\nDumbo not to enjoy this painting.", "Get it?", "'Cause he's an elephant?", "Your sense of humor is as\ngood as your taste in art.", "Captain?", "We'll talk tomorrow?", "If you like art,", "you should see the\npainting I just acquired.", "It's in my...\n- Manners.", "That's how that feels.", "In my apartment right upstairs.", "It's gonna blow you away.", "Snorkeling.", "Then, after I saved you from destroying", "a priceless crystal ashtray...", "You're welcome.", "Hello, my darling, my one\ntrue love, my everything.", "So, who wants to see that painting?", "Ooh, if you show me yours,", "I'll show you mine.", "So we check out the painting.", "Huh. You know,", "that elephant painting\nwould look nice in here.", "You're looking at a masterpiece,", "and you're talking about\nsome elephant painting?", "No...!", "Oh, this one's nice, too.", "I just like the\nelephant painting better.", "You know, it doesn't\nmatter what you like.", "You're just a kindergarten teacher.", "Ah, finally we're alone.", "Oh, no, Lily, what did you do?", "He was a jerk... he deserved to\nhave that precious painting stolen.", "Oh, God, Lily, you didn't...?", "Of course I didn't.", "I stole this ashtray instead.", "Lily!\n- Hey, you know the rules.", "You misbehave, I take\naway one of your toys.", "Aldrin Justice, baby.", "So you're telling me that that ashtray", "that's been in our\napartment for over a year and a half", "is not only stolen, but\nalso very expensive.", "Both of those things... yes.", "Guys, can you leave us\nalone for a minute, please?", "Ooh, they're gonna do it.\n- No, we're gonna fight.", "And then maybe afterwards we'll do it.", "I can't believe that\nwas the same ashtray.", "I should've recognized it.", "I know... me, too.", "Barney, you weren't there.", "Why is it so important\nthat you be part of this story?", "Because crazy stories are my thing.", "You have\narchitecture, Marshall has the law,", "Lily has art,", "Robin has pleasing me sexually.", "You all have a passion that drives you.", "Well, if I have a\npassion, it's taking life", "and turning it into a series\nof crazy stories.", "If you can do that without me, then...", "I don't even know who I am anymore.", "You know what, Barney?", "Now that I think about it,", "you were there.\n- That's right, you were.", "I was?\n- Yeah.", "I mean, I know I was.", "That's what I'm saying, guys.", "We just... we just\ndidn't realize it because...", "you were in disguise.", "Yeah, you were doing...", "one of your plays from the playbook.", "On Shelly, the art consultant.", "Yes, it was... some\nplay that had to do with art...", "The Royal Archduke of Grand Fenwick?", "A simple play you can do using\ntwo everyday household objects...", "a Prussian military costume\nand an oil painting of yourself?", "That's the one, and it worked on Shelly.", "I totally nailed her!", "And then I nailed her\nsister who was even hotter.", "Good times.", "You are gonna return that ashtray,\nand you're gonna pray", "that he doesn't press\ncharges, because I can't be", "in a marriage where one\nof us is in prison.", "I know that we\nrole-play conjugal visits a lot,", "but I can't do that for realsies.", "I'm sorry... all rulings are final.", "I am not taking it back.", "Oh, my God!", "Lily,", "what is the big deal?", "Okay, so what?", "So he said you're just\na kindergarten teacher.", "Why do you let that bother you?\n- Because he was right.", "I am just a kindergarten teacher.", "And, yes, I have a degree", "in art history and I was\nmeant to do something with it,", "but I didn't.", "Somewhere along the line,", "I forgot to pursue my dream, and...", "and now I'm old and I'm a mom\nand it's just too late for me.", "Lily, okay, okay.", "It's too late.\n- No, no, no, it's not too...", "it's not too late.", "You're gonna quit your job tomorrow,", "and you're gonna... you're\ngonna go back and pick up", "right where you left\noff with that art stuff.", "And then you know what?", "I'm gonna find Shelly, and\nI'm gonna punch her in the face.", "I am... I'm gonna punch a girl...", "and run away.", "Look.", "I promise you,", "your best and your most exciting days", "are all ahead of you.", "I love you so much for saying that,", "but there gets to be a point in life", "where that just stops being true.", "I'm sorry I stole this.", "I'll return it first thing tomorrow.", "And so the next day, Lily returned", "to the Captain's apartment.", "Well, how about that.", "I didn't even realize it was gone.", "No harm done.", "Wait, if you weren't\ncalling about the ashtray,", "then why'd you want to see me?", "Follow me.", "Oh, my gosh.", "Yep, that night, I ducked back down", "into the gallery and bought it.", "Shelly didn't stop you?", "Shelly was off with some archduke\nshe met at the party.", "No, I just... well,", "I liked what you said about\nhow you just liked it.", "I still do.", "Me, too.", "Anyway, I just sold it for $4 million.", "What?", "In the year and a half since\nI bought this piece,", "the artist has turned into a\nhuge star in the art world.", "The next Basquiat, they're saying.", "And nobody saw it coming except you.", "So I've decided to give you half\nmy earnings from the sale.", "I'm just kidding.", "I'm not giving you two million bucks.", "I mean, I could.", "Easily... it wouldn't\neven make a dent for me.", "But trust me, the tax\ncode being what it is,", "you do not want to be rich right now.", "So here's what I'm thinking.", "I want to get back in the art game,", "and I need a new art consultant.", "Wait, are you offering me a job?", "If you want it.", "What do you say?", "And she said yes. Guys, it was amazing!", "You should have been there.\n- Barney!", "Let her tell her story.\n- You were not there.", "Guys!", "What did you say, baby?", "I said yes.", "Ha! Told you!", "How would I know that\nshe was going to say...?"], "How I Met Your Mother S08E18 Weekend at Barney s": ["This is the life.", "We got the three B's.", "Beach, booze and bodacious babes.", "I don't know.", "I'm starting to think\nwe should call the police.", "Oh, would you relax?", "We've got it made.", "One whole week at his\nbodacious beach house,", "no strings attached.", "Well, there is one string attached.", "Hi, Barney.", "Bodacious.", "\"Weekend at Barney's!\"", "What is it? What's wrong?", "The plays, Robin, the plays.", "The ingenious\ntechniques I used as a bachelor", "to pick up busty dullards.", "They just keep coming to\nme, I can't turn them off.", "Okay, Barney, let me\nease your mind, okay?", "All right, here we go.", "Remember when you set\nyour Playbook on fire?", "That was the moment I realized\nyou were someone I could marry.", "And I'd burn it again if I could.", "You're right.", "I'm done with all these plays.", "Besides, there's no\nway I'll ever come up", "with anything that tops\n\"Weekend at Barney's\".", "\"Weekend at Barney's Two!\"", "Damn it, Barney!", "So, there's this big\ngallery opening tonight.", "Oh, we'd love to, but\nwe've got this...", "Genesis reunion, Madison Square Garden,", "front row. It's gonna be legend...\n- I wasn't inviting you guys.", "Oh, thank God. There is no concert.", "As the captain's new art buyer,", "I have to go schmooze\nthis up-and-coming artist,", "Strickland Stevens,", "so we get first dibs\non all his new stuff.", "And I'll be helping Lily seal the deal\nby impressing the intelligentsia", "with some art-related hilarity.", "I've prepared some jokes.", "Why couldn't the art\ndealer pay his rent?", "I don't know. Why?\n- This is gonna be rough.", "Because he ran out of Monet.", "You're gonna get that on the walk\nhome. How about this one?", "You know what, we'd...\nwe'd love to hear it,", "but we've got that... that...", "Steely Dan, Carnegie Hall,\nbackstage pass. Let's go.", "We don't want to miss\nwhatever their big song was.", "Yeah.", "Your wedding response card, as promised.", "Why didn't you just mail\nit like everybody else?", "Oh, see, that's sad, Robin.", "You should be touched\nthat I hand-delivered it.", "Has social media so eroded\nour interpersonal relationships", "that we no longer wish\nto experience the...", "You wanted to keep the stamp?\n- They're 46 cents now.", "It's getting out of hand.", "\"Your invitation is joyfully accepted", "by Mr. Ted Mosby and Jeanette.", "Kids, as you'll recall,", "Jeanette was the last girl I dated\nbefore I met your mother.", "My friends only had\none tiny problem with her.", "She was nuts.", "So you're bringing a plus one?", "If you count the voices in her head,", "it's plus five.", "Guys, I'm bringing her,", "and you're gonna love having her there.", "Oh, and... by the way,", "just so this doesn't turn\ninto an argument later,", "the dress she's gonna wear isn't\ntechnically white, it's eggshell.", "The shoes are white, though.", "And the gloves.", "And the veil. Well, see you guys.", "No, no, no.\n- Mosby! Get...", "Oh, my God, what happened?", "Oh, I trashed your apartment.", "See, I got bored,", "so I started going\nthrough all your e-mails.", "Sure.\n- And I found one from a woman", "with the subject line,\n\"big penis orgasms,\"", "so naturally, I smashed your plates,", "knifed your mattress,\npeed in your drawers,", "the whole nine, but then,", "while I was upper-decking your toilet,", "I actually read the e-mail.", "Turns out it was spam.", "Classic Jeanette, huh?", "Oh, my God.", "You are certifiably insane...", "about me.", "Come here, you knucklehead.", "I can't stay mad at you.\n- Ted, Ted, I'm breaking up with you.", "You're just so intense,", "and it's all moving way too fast.", "Here's your key back.", "I never gave you a key.", "And here's your grandmother's ring.", "She was buried wearing this.", "And just like that,", "it was over.", "I texted Barney and Robin.\nI'm sure they're over the moon", "that Jeanette's not coming\nto the wedding.", "Oh, no, Ted, no.", "They're not gonna be\nhappy about you being sad.", "They broke up!", "Ted, respectfully,", "are you sure that this was\nthe right girl for you?", "Of course not.", "She was crazy.", "Absolutely a nightmare.", "It's totally not worth the trouble.", "I mean, no matter how...", "no matter how great the sex was.", "Uh-oh. -\nStay with us, buddy.", "No matter how hot and passionate", "and surprising,", "possibly illegal...", "I don't like this.\n- Me, neither.", "I'm gonna win her back.", "Barney and Robin are\ngonna be so happy I'm happy.", "I know.", "I know.", "Did you just unhook my bra?", "Shh. There, there.", "That night was the big gallery show.", "Hey. I'm so sorry.", "I decided to grab a snack\nfrom the bodega.", "Why? They'll have food at the gallery.", "Oh, come on, these places\nnever have food.", "It's fine.", "I got some Skittles.", "That was the last bag of Skittles", "your Uncle Marshall would ever buy.", "Meanwhile, I headed over\nto Jeanette's place", "to win her back.", "What the hell?", "I can't let you do this, Ted.", "I want Jeanette back.", "Well, then accept my apology.", "For what?", "This.", "Ow, ow, ow! Damn it! You're strong.", "That's just from Pilates?", "Twice a week.", "Look, I don't want you\ngetting back with Jeanette.", "Ted, what is my one rule?", "You can tell how old a\ngirl is by her elbows?", "My other one rule.", "Flaxseed relieves upset stomach?", "My other one rule.", "Always have a fake pair\nof concert tickets", "in your pocket in case Lily\ninvites you to something stupid?", "My other one rule.", "Lebanese girls sprint to third\nbase and then stay there?", "My other one rule.\n- New is always better.", "New is always better!", "Exactly, Ted.", "You want to invite a date to our wedding,\nit is not gonna be Jeanette.", "It is gonna be someone new.", "And I am gonna help you find her", "with a little help from...", "The Playbook.", "The Playbook? Didn't you burn that?", "Oh, I didn't burn the real one.", "That was the ceremonial playbook", "for parades,", "mall openings,", "inaugurations, stuff like that.", "That's a pretty big secret\nto keep from Robin.", "Which is exactly why I'm trusting you,", "my best bro, to never let her know", "that the Playbook still exists.", "Pinky swear?", "Fine.", "Wow.", "See, I told you.", "Thank God I snuck in\nthis bag of goodness.", "There's Strickland Stevens.", "Wow.", "Even his scarf\nis up-and-coming.", "Are you gonna be okay by yourself\nfor a few minutes?", "Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?", "Well, you're sitting\non an $80,000 sculpture.", "For 80 grand,", "you'd think it\nwould be more comfortable.", "Lil, I'll be fine.", "Do you know who you're talking to?", "In high school, I\nwas voted most outgoing", "freshman, sophomore and senior year.", "What happened junior year?", "Egdud Ferhaki,", "that outgoing son of a bitch.", "He beat you for most outgoing?", "Huh? Oh, no, we tied.", "Look, the point is, I can make\nfriends anywhere, even here.", "Thanks, baby.\n- You got it.", "Hey, excuse me.", "Listen.", "Do you think that you would enjoy a show", "featuring Donatello, Raphael,", "Michelangelo and Leonardo?", "Sound like you're a fan of the\nTeenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.", "Gotcha. Skin it.", "He will get that on the drive home.", "He didn't.", "Fireworks?\n- Yeah.", "Everything in there is a\nprop we'll need for tonight.", "Everything.", "All right, here's how\nthis is going down.", "You'll be wearing this\nearpiece and microphone.", "I'll be staked out here,\ntelling you exactly what to say,", "so just stay focused and you'll be fine.", "Which play are we gonna run first?", "How about the \"Weekend at Barney's\"?", "Oh, Ted, your first day at the salon,", "and you want to do a cut and color?", "No. Tonight we're gonna\nstart off with...", "Ice Man to Neruda.", "Ice Man to Neruda.", "Bogey at 10:00,", "and she is packing two\nfully-operational sweater stretchers.", "That's bravo, Oscar,\nOscar, bravo, Sierra.", "Possible delta cups.", "Copy that. Engaging target.", "Over.", "Excuse me, I have a delivery for Lisa.", "Excuse me, I have a delivery for Lisa.", "Are you Lisa? Are you Lisa?", "Uh, no.", "But you must be.", "I was told to...", "deliver this package\nto a girl named Lisa,", "and that I'd\nrecognize her because she'd be...", "The most beautiful girl in this bar.", "So, here's your delivery, Lisa.", "Uh, I am definitely not Lisa,", "but I would be happy\nto help you find her.", "Great, and then maybe later...", "I could give you a\ndifferent package... my penis.", "That is a terrible line!", "You said it wrong.", "I did not say it wrong.", "My penis.", "No.\n- My penis.", "Still not right.\n- My penis, my penis, my penis!", "Hello.", "This sucks.", "I can't get near Strickland.", "At least Marshall's having a good time.", "Man, he always knows\njust the right thing to say.", "For a gay guy, Andy Warhol\nsure liked cans.", "This sucks.", "Maybe I've lost my charm.", "No, Marshall,", "if Lily's gonna make it\nin this fancy art world,", "you're gonna have to\nmake it, too, so suck it up,", "stop sitting on the art,", "and bust out the \"A\" material.", "You two keep chugging like that,", "you're gonna have to Vincent\nvan go to the bathroom, am I right?", "It's pronounced van Gogh.", "Oh, \"blogh\" me.", "I still don't get why someone\nwould leave the hospital", "without changing into their\nclothes first. Over.", "Ted, this is my thing. So just...", "okay?", "Over.", "Okay? Over.", "Are you all right?", "What? Oh.", "Yes, yes, I'm fine.", "Tomorrow, I'm...", "donating a kidney to my best friend.", "My best friend Barney.", "Not Marshall.", "Barney.", "Marshall's so lame.", "Anyway...", "just wanted to grab\none last drink, in case...", "you know, I don't make it.", "You are so brave.", "Hey, listen.", "Before I give my best friend\nthis organ, how about...", "Nope.", "Nope, I'm not saying that.", "I did hear you,", "but I'm not saying that.", "Because I'm not.", "Are you okay?", "One second. I know you put\na lot of work into this.", "I understand that.", "I understand that.", "I understand that.", "I understand that.", "Why can't I just talk to her?\nMaybe we'll hit it off...", "Fine.", "Copy that.", "How about I give you a different organ?", "My penis.", "You said it wrong.\n- I did not say it wrong!", "Thank you all so much for coming.", "If you'll indulge me, I would\nlike to share a story", "about my dearly departed grandmother.", "Oh, God.", "News flash, Johnny Ascot:", "Lots of people have dead grandmas.", "No, Marshall.", "Don't be bitter.", "You're here for Lily.", "Just look at her, so professional.", "She hasn't sat on a single piece of art.", "You're gonna ride this thing\nout with dignity for Lily.", "Not one more thing\nthat might embarrass her.", "I will simply stand here.", "Perfectly invisible.", "And so I dedicate this show", "to my grandmother's memory.", "Now...", "please join me in honoring her", "with 60 seconds of absolute silence.", "Okay, Neruda, this play is", "extremely complicated.", "Let me guess. Does it involve me", "saying \"my penis\" in a Scottish accent?", "Now you're gettin' it, laddie!", "Hey!", "Robin. What are you doing here?", "I was curious as to whether you\nfound Ted a date to our wedding", "who was a little less,\nyou know, Antichrist-y.", "Is that the Playbook?", "No, Robin, that is a couch.", "Oh, you mean the Playbook on the couch?", "I can explain.\n- Don't bother.", "I can ex... Uh, Ted? Uh...", "I got to step away from\nmission control for a sec.", "Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone.", "Robin...", "Robin, wait.", "Um... shoot. I haven't figured out", "what I'm gonna say yet. Keep going.", "Robin, wait.", "Look, I'm sorry that I\nstill have the Playbook.", "It's just, it's filled\nwith a lifetime of great ideas.", "Am I supposed to just\nleave all that behind?", "Yes.\n- But...", "\"Weekend at Barney's\"!", "Okay, what is that?", "Explain the \"Weekend at Barney's\" to me.", "What's to explain?", "I play a dead guy,", "and Ted and Marshall carry me around.", "Okay. And based on that,\ngirls want to sleep with you.", "Big time.\n- But you're dead.", "Yeah. Except not really, obviously.", "But the girl thinks you're dead.\n- No, she thinks I'm alive.", "Which you are.\n- Exactly.", "Except you're dead.\n- Exactly.", "Except you're alive.\n- Exactly.", "Okay, so instead of...\nof being an alive person", "pretending to be a dead person", "pretending to be an alive person,", "why not just be an alive person?", "Okay, let's start from the beginning.", "The movie is called Weekend at Bernie's.", "My name is Barney.", "I'm so sorry, sweetie.", "I don't know if you heard,\nbut I dropped some Skittles.", "Do you know what, I'm just gonna\ngo home before I make things worse.", "You're not going anywhere.", "We're a team.", "You stuck by me after my nip slip", "at your law school graduation.", "And after my nip slip\nat the GNB Christmas party.", "And after my nip slip", "at the Honeywell and\nCoots Family Fun Day.", "I don't know why you\nkeep wearing that top.", "All right, I'll stay put,", "but I'm keeping my mouth shut.", "No more jokes, no more candy,", "no more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.", "Hey, are you guys\ntalking Ninja Turtles?", "I'm a huge TMNT fan.", "I grew up on those comic books.", "Me, too! I was obsessed.", "Did you know that the\noriginal comic debuted", "in 1984 at a convention\nin New Hampshire?", "Uh, yes.", "Did you know that Eastman and\nLaird always had their doubts", "about their characters\nbeing commercialized?", "Yes!", "Did you know that the painting\non the back wall", "is inspired by Master Splinter?", "Oh, the one of the rat doing karate.", "I see it now.", "Hey, I'm Strickland.", "Hey. Marshall.", "And this is my wife, Lily,\nwho, as a matter of fact,", "happens to represent one of the biggest\nart collectors in New York City.", "I love your work.", "It's great to see you\ngetting some recognition.", "Thank you. It's been a long haul.", "The first painting I ever sold,", "I used the money to get my car fixed.", "You might say...", "I used it to make my van go.", "That's...", "Um, a little something\ncalled rigor mortis?", "Oh, come on.", "Are you really this mad about a book?", "You really think that this\nis just about a book, Barney?", "You lied to me.", "If we're gonna be in a marriage", "and trust each other,\nyou can't lie to me ever.", "Really?", "Well, that's just great.", "Because, in case you haven't\nnoticed these last eight years,", "lying is what I do best.", "I'm a magician, Robin.", "Misdirection and deceit\nare my stock in trade.", "You don't want me to lie to you?", "Lies are the reason that we're together.", "Everything single thing I did", "to get you to say yes\nto me on that rooftop...", "Patrice, the false\nengagement, everything...", "it was all utter malarkey.", "But...", "underneath all of those lies", "is one true thing.", "One true thing that can\nsupport the weight", "of all the lies in the world, and...", "and that's the fact that I love you.", "And you know that when I say that...", "I am not lying.", "Wha...", "Did you just unhook my bra again?", "Jeanette,", "this is great.", "We're back together.", "You're coming to Barney\nand Robin's wedding.", "I found two wine glasses\nyou didn't smash.", "Call me crazy, but I've got a feeling,", "from here on out, it's gonna\nbe nothing but blue skies and...", "What...", "the hell...", "is this?", "Check out this text from Ted.", "Oh, my...", "What the hell happened here?", "Jeanette and I had a little spat.", "Would anyone like some wine?", "It's a nice C\u00f4tes du Rh\u00f4ne.", "Still needs to breathe a bit.", "You know what? I got\na decanter upstairs, so...", "We should just drink it now.", "And for", "the grand finale,", "I found your fireworks.", "Let's see what they do\nto your precious Playbook!", "No!", "Jeanette, please,\nthat's Barney's life's work!", "It's fine, Ted.", "Blow it up, Jeanette.", "# Put a candle in the window", "# 'Cause I feel I've got to move #", "# Though I'm going, going", "# I'll be coming home soon", "# Long as I can see the light... #", "Okay.", "No more dating.", "I'm ready to settle down.", "And, kids...", "for the first time in my life,", "I really meant it.", "Oh!", "Oh...\n- The boots..."], "How I Met Your Mother S08E19 The Fortress": ["In the spring of 2013,", "Barney and Robin were just\nweeks away from tying the knot.", "But there were still some pretty\nbig issues they hadn't agreed on.", "Adoption.", "I don't know.", "It's the only thing that makes sense.", "I can't... I can't\nbelieve you're not open to it.", "Okay. Let's try it.", "Nope, it doesn't work with 27 down.", "Hey, with the wedding so\nclose, maybe we should talk about", "where we're going to live.", "Fine, enough. Stop begging.", "We'll live here. But you owe me.", "Yeah, I don't know...", "there's just a lot of things I\ndon't totally love about your apartment.", "Like what?", "Well, for example, why is", "your bed on what look\nlike train tracks?", "You were wonderful.", "Well, you don't get to be a\nstate-certified orgasmologist", "without learning how to please a woman.", "You don't mind if I spend\nthe night, do you?", "Um, how else are we gonna get to know\neach other on a deeper level?", "Excuse me, I just have to log\ntonight's orgasms with the licensing board.", "The Ho-be-gone\nSleep System", "by Stinson, patent pending.", "What-what is on the other\nside of the wall?", "Where do the hos go?", "What am I, a contractor?", "We-we need to go into this marriage", "with a fresh start.", "What do you say we find\na new place together?", "I love you.", "And if that will make you happy,", "then let's do it.", "Wow, so we need to find an\napartment where I haven't banged someone?", "How do you feel about Cleveland?", "Nope. Ted's mom.", "Nice job filling in for\nLily on Marvin's lullaby.", "Thanks, but I came\nin early on the horsie.", "Stupid!", "No, you really\nnailed all of Lily's parts.", "It's been three weeks since I have.", "I barely see her\nanymore 'cause of this new job.", "Well, you know what might cheer you up?", "Hmm?", "There's a new\nWoodworthy Manor on tonight.", "Woodworthy Manor", "was a show about an\nupper class English estate", "at the beginning of the 20th century.", "My word! You can't possibly mean...", "But I do!", "With the succession of Lady\nEastbrooke to Viscountess of Marlyemead,", "our cousin Baldrick becomes...", "the Earl of Witherstead.\n- The Earl of Witherstead!", "I only posted that\nprediction 15 times on the forums!", "No, I can't.", "I promised Lily that I\nwould wait and watch it with her.", "Problem is, the Captain.", "Lily had just started a\njob as the art consultant", "for an eccentric\nbillionaire, the Captain.", "Oh.", "Ahoy.", "There's a hot new artist in Red Hook.", "He's molded", "world currency into a\nsculpture of a soulless plutocrat", "defecating on the poor.", "A scathing indictment of capitalism.", "I'll go as high as $200K", "as long as you think I can\nflip it for double in six months.", "Aye, aye, Cap'n.", "Sorry.", "Ahoy.", "Here's this gorgeously\ndelicate impressionist still life,", "reminiscent of Monet's water lilies.", "Where is it?", "Rikers Island.", "The artist is serving two\nconsecutive life sentences", "for aggravated homicide.", "I'm willing to go as high\nas six cartons of cigarettes", "and a jug of toilet wine.", "Is it a strain, feeling\nlike a single dad at times?", "Sure, but Lily's been\nbusting her butt at this new job.", "It's not like she's\nbeen out there partying.", "Man, I'm 'faced.", "I ate a ton of caviar,", "but it soaked up none of the champagne.", "Mondays, right?\n- Yeah.", "When did you get glasses?", "Oh...", "you mean my glare reduction lunettes.", "Yeah. They help me discern genius", "from pretentious crap.", "Too bad you weren't wearing those\nglasses when you bought those glasses.", "Well, listen, baby, I'm just", "happy to see you.", "And if you're not too tired,", "maybe we could watch Woodworthy\nManor tonight.", "I'd love to.", "Great! Because I've come\nup with a fun little game.", "I made figgy pudding", "and I put it in shot glasses.", "And every time they say,", "\"The dowager will be less than pleased,\"", "you have to...", "Oh.", "Ugh...", "Ahoy.", "A seven-foot-tall cross-dressing\nCambodian", "is throwing glitter and fish\nguts at a billboard on the B.Q.E.", "So he's some sort\nof conceptual painter?", "No, no, just a crazy\nperson on the local news.", "I thought you might have a\nlaugh. You're off the clock, relax.", "I must own it.", "Aye, aye, Cap'n.", "Hey, did you find a\nRealtor to sell this place yet?", "Robin, a Realtor's just gonna\ngive it to the highest bidder.", "I need this place to\ngo to someone worthy.", "And I've made some inquiries.", "Barney?", "My son.", "Barney, enough with\nthe floating Jor-El head", "from the Fortress of\nSolitude in Superman, okay?", "It's getting old.", "I only use it to say really\nimportant stuff.", "Last time you used it to tell me", "Wendy's had introduced a\nspicy version of \"The Baconator\".", "Exactly.", "And now, my son...", "it is time for me to bestow on you...", "Can we just talk\nface-to-face like normal people?", "Ted, just...", "just...", "okay?", "My son,", "it is time for me to bestow on you...", "Close the door.", "No. This is...", "Oh, my God, can you just be cool?", "Once? Please?", "Just once?", "Can you just once be cool?", "Once?", "Please?", "My son...", "for many years this apartment\nhas been my Fortress of Barnitude.", "But now the time has\ncome for me to pass it on.", "Soon, this place will become", "your \"Fortress of Soli-Ted\".", "Barney, I wouldn't live here even if\nyou scrubbed every inch of this place", "with Purell, amoxicillin and holy water.", "Fine.", "But I think we can both agree,", "it would be totally\nawesome to see my deal", "floating around all\nhuge-like on the big Jor-El cam.", "Hold on.", "Now, it's a little\ncold here in the Fortress,", "so don't judge the si...", "Ted, wait.", "What did you...", "That's... okay, that's not funny.", "Ted, open the...", "Uh... walls closing in.", "I can't... can't breathe.", "Must...", "show deal...", "on Jor-El cam...", "I can't...", "Oh, well, guess I'm keeping\nthis place forever, good night.", "Wait a... wait a minute, that's it?", "Ted wasn't interested in\nbuying your apartment,", "so you just gave up?", "Barney, I gave up my beautiful\ntwo-bedroom apartment", "on the Upper West\nSide that was rent-free", "and the landlord\nhand-washed all my delicates.", "Which is probably why it was rent-free.", "The point is,", "I need to buy all new underwear,", "and you agreed that we\nwould find a new place together.", "Oh, God, Barney,", "relationships are\nabout trust and compromise.", "You can't just... Oh, you are so dead.", "If I ever figure a way out of\nhere, I will make your life a living...", "Lily and I really need this night out.", "A big fancy dinner and the ballet.", "Thank you so much for babysitting.", "Hey, three bucks an hour, thank you.", "Oh, hey, baby.", "Yeah, I'm just on my way\nout. If you get there before...", "Come on, really?", "I'll see you later.", "Captain?", "I'm sorry, dude. But, hey,", "look at it this way:", "now you don't have to go to the ballet.", "Get your head out of your\nass, Ted. There was no ballet.", "We were gonna sneak\ninto your apartment and bang.", "Well, you know what might take\nboth our minds off that?", "A little...", "Woodworthy Manor.", "No, I can't.", "I promised Lily", "that I would wait and watch it with her.", "And I feel like I'd be cheating on her.", "Sure, sure, sure, sure, I get all that.", "It's just...", "You know, tonight\nthey're gonna finally reveal", "who framed the chimney sweep", "for stealing Lord\nStoutshire's gooseberries.", "And reveal the winner of the\nlocal gardening competition.", "I don't know how they're going to\npack all that action into one episode.", "Oops.", "No, Ted, you know", "I promised Lily, I...\n- Shh, shh, shh.", "Just let it happen.", "Later that week, Barney\ncame home to discover", "that Robin had a little\nsurprise waiting for him.", "Wha...?", "Mimosas?\n- Mm-hmm.", "Freshly-baked cookie smell?", "A middle-aged woman in a red blazer?", "I see what this is.", "You finally green-lit my orgy idea!", "Okay. It's an open house, Barney.", "Say good-bye to your fortress.", "If we weren't about to have an orgy,", "I'd be so mad at you right now.", "If you'll follow me into the bedroom,\nI'll show you some beautiful woodwork.", "I am way too upset right\nnow to point out how many women", "have seen some\nbeautiful woodwork in there.", "Angry self five!", "Rah!", "Robin, I did not agree to this.", "Yes, you did.", "That is why I gave up my apartment.", "Not so I could live in a\ndisease-riddled bang pad", "haunted by the\nghosts of your ex-skanks.", "The bathrooms are Italian marble.", "Hello, old bean. Jolly\ngood evening, isn't it?", "What are you doing here?", "And why do you sound like Madonna?", "Uh, Robin asked us all\nto come here and pretend", "that we are prospective\nbuyers who love this apartment.", "And inspired by a character", "on Woodworthy\nManor, I've decided to play", "Emsbry Postlethwaite,", "a handsome cricket player who\nsecretly hates his life.", "You don't have to be a cricket player.", "Tell that to Emsbry's father.", "Sorry!", "Oh...", "I was checking out some mole\npeople's graffiti art", "and my cape got caught on the F train.", "Oh.", "Bisou bisou.", "Oh, what a cute baby.", "What's his name?", "Marvin.", "For my father.", "Oh, that's so sweet.", "Have you two been looking at a\nlot of places in this neighborhood?", "Oh, actually they're not...\n- Yes, we have.", "What?", "My husband Emsbry and\nI just love this area.", "I'm a cricket player\nwho secretly hates his life.", "What are you doing?", "Well, you were late yet again,", "and so I'm gonna do this little\nscene study with Ted.", "Why? Because he's there for me.", "Pretending you're married?", "That's going a little far to\nprove your point, isn't it?", "Excuse me, but I think it's\noffensive to suggest", "the only reason gay people\nget married is to prove a point.", "No, no, no, no, no.", "I didn't... that's not what I...", "Thank you, sister... somebody needs", "to get this lady's\nmind a rearview mirror", "because she is thinking\nin reverse. - Mm-hmm.", "Hate is a four-letter word.", "I didn't... I voted for...", "Oh, is this part of a security system?", "Sort of.", "It's connected to the\nwelcome mat. You see...", "Let's say the young\nlady you're bringing home", "is dressed for winter.", "Under those layers, an\nunwelcome surprise could await you.", "The scale with body fat calculator", "I've hidden under the welcome mat", "makes sure you never\nhave banger's remorse.", "The Heavy Set Go", "by Stinson, patent pending.", "'Cause there's only one kind\nof chubby you want in the bedroom.", "Am I right, people?", "This guy knows what I'm talking about.", "I don't want to tell\nyou and Emsbry how to raise", "your child, but I think if\nyou keep letting him nap,", "he's gonna be up all night.", "Funny, you sound like someone who's been", "around for his bedtime lately.", "Uh, can somebody get\nthis lady a storefront", "'cause she needs to mind\nher own business, mm-kay?", "Would you stop it?", "Oh, right, right, because it's a choice.", "You know what's not a choice?", "Being gay for this kitchen.", "That came out wrong... the point is,", "let's focus on this awesome apartment.", "You're right.", "Look at that fabulous plasma television.", "My ex-husband, who\nnever supported my career,", "would love to watch the\nVikings never win a Super Bowl", "in franchise history on that thing.", "How dare you.\n- Don't let her push your buttons.", "Right.", "I don't care about football.", "I'm more of a...", "Woodworthy Manor fan.", "I very much enjoyed\nwatching it the other night.", "With Emsbry.\n- Oh, you didn't.", "Yeah, oh, yeah.", "I know who deliberately overwatered Lady\nChillsbury's prize-winning roses.", "They have been building to\nthat reveal all season,", "Marshall, don't you tell me...", "It was Parson Smallsby.", "Wow, great view.", "And customizable.", "Let's say you\npromised a girl a surprise trip", "to the most romantic place on Earth.", "No peeking.", "Wow, we must've gone far.", "We were on your private\njet for, like, six hours.", "Well,", "You definitely\nweren't on a bus to Delaware", "and back wearing\nearplugs, I'll tell you that much.", "And I think you'll\nagree it was worth the wait", "once you see the view.", "Et voila ma ch\u00e9rie.", "Oh, my God.", "You flew me to Vegas?", "It's... it's Par...", "Well, hey, whatever works, whatever...", "The Room With a Screw", "by Stinson, patent pending.", "I know what you're trying to do.", "You're trying to drive people away.", "No, I'm not... I'm just trying", "to show off all of its\none-of-a-kind features.", "See, see, there's also... Venice.", "Niagara Falls,", "African safari.", "Oh... and my favorite...", "Huh?", "Nothing gets a girl\nto go from \"on the fence\"", "to \"on all fours\" faster than thinking", "everyone she's ever held\ndear is a glowing pile of ash.", "Mushroom cloud five.", "I love you accent.", "Thank you.", "I practiced it all morning.", "You are adorable.\n- Well...", "That Marshall's a lucky man.", "Well, aren't you ducky?", "Seriously if you were straight,", "I'd be all over you.", "Huh.", "What's this?", "Oh, God.", "Only the best thing ever.", "Let's say you had a\nwonderful night with a girl, but now", "she's turning into a\nbit of a morning-after pill.", "See? We need to extend the chute", "and add a landing spot.", "And you said testing it\nwith a dummy was a waste of time.", "No, I said \"dressing the\ndummy\" was a waste of time.", "The Escape From Bitch Mountain", "by Stinson, patent pending.\n- Okay.", "He's kidding, it's just,\nyou know, in case of fire.", "No, but I'm glad you mentioned fire.", "See those smoke detectors?", "Say these words.", "\"I'm looking for a deeper commitment\".", "It's also triggered by \"I'm\ntoo tired,\" \"Let's snuggle,\"", "and \"I'm a week late\".", "Barney, I'm getting wet.", "And that turns it off.", "Look, just stop talking.", "We've made up our minds.", "Oh, well, thanks for taking a look.", "I'll walk you out.", "We'll take it.", "If you never get a black\nlight, you'll be so happy here.", "Yes, yes!", "Yes, yes.", "Trouble in paradise?", "We have a child together.", "I can't believe you watched\nWoodworthy Manor without me.", "I can't believe that you're mad at me.", "I've been abandoned by my\nwife and my gay companion.", "If I get blinded in one\neye by a badminton shuttlecock,", "you might as well call\nme Lord Esterbrooke.", "You watched the new one without me?", "Betrayal stings, doesn't it, Emsbry?", "Hey.", "Hey.\n- Listen.", "I...\n- No, me first.", "I've been thinking", "and I realized something.", "The Fortress of Solitude is where\nSuperman went to be alone.", "And I never want to be alone again.", "Thank you, Barney, that really...", "But then I remembered in Superman II,", "Superman gave up all his\npowers to be with Lois Lane,", "and he was honestly\nkind of a vag after that.", "Oh, buddy, just quit while...\n- Now, Superman III was", "a complete train wreck totally.", "What's your point?", "That...", "that I love you.", "And...", "I'm giving up my apartment for you.", "And that the Superman films are uneven.", "I really appreciate that, Barney, but...", "Congrats. You guys are\ngetting a fantastic apartment.", "I mean, I know some of the\nfeatures are a little weird.", "A little?", "We're gonna rip this\nthing down to the studs.", "I get it.", "But, I mean, some\nthings might be worth saving.", "I don't see any.\n- No.", "You don't see any?", "Sure some of the stuff in here", "is creepy, but it's also brilliant.", "I mean, a lot of\ngeniuses were kind of pervy.", "Look at Thomas\nEdison... why do you think", "that lightbulbs are boob-shaped?", "Yeah, we're taking a\nwrecking ball to this place", "and turning it into\nsomething actually fit for humans.", "Excuse me.", "Get out!", "The Fortress of\nBarnitude is no longer for sale.", "Also your husband has\nbeen staring at my ass", "all afternoon so don't\nact all high-and-mighty.", "You turned them down?\n- Yeah.", "If I ask you to change too\nmany things about yourself,", "you're not gonna be the\nman I fell in love with.", "Turns out, I accept and\nappreciate even the grossest, creepiest,", "most sociopathic parts of you.", "Sounds like\nsomebody just wrote her vows.", "Mm.", "It's the Captain.", "Ahoy.", "There's a zebra at the Central Park Zoo", "who's got quite a keen\nhoof at photography.", "Ironically, he's\ngreat with color. Now...", "Captain, I'll check\nit out, just not tonight.", "I need to spend some\ntime with my husband.", "You sure?", "I know it's been\ntough, me working this much,", "and I guess I went a little overboard", "with the whole artsy thing.", "I know.", "The cape.\n- What about my cape?", "I love it.", "And I... I know that you love this job.", "I should be more\nsupportive... I just miss you.", "I miss you, too.", "Hey, guys.", "Hey.\n- Hey.", "You guys are all so lucky.", "When am I gonna find something real?", "Well, Emsbry,", "ready to see what it's\nlike to be with a woman?", "I suppose there's a\nfirst time for everything.", "Go ahead.\n- My son.", "Okay.", "Yeah, all right.", "Are you guys sure we're gonna like\nthis Woodworthy Manor show?", "Yeah, it sounds kind of boring.", "Kind of boring?", "Grab a seat guys, but trust me,", "you're only gonna need the edge.", "Ah-ha, all right, now,", "a little backstory.", "Lady Stoutshire has developed\na serious case of croquet ankle", "and the cook Mrs.\nBootbrush can't find enough chestnuts", "for a proper St. Crispin's Day goose.", "Let's watch.", "I love you.\n- My wrist is broken.", "Worth it.\n- Ow."], "How I Met Your Mother S08E20 The Time Travelers": ["Kids, in April of 2013,", "your mother and I were very close", "and yet very far apart.", "I was living on West 82nd Street.", "She was up on West 115th.", "She was getting a degree in economics.", "I was teaching architecture.", "I was always at MacLaren's.", "She was always...", "not spending all her time in a bar.", "She was dating some finance\nguy named Louis.", "And I...", "I was alone.", "Ted, get ready to be surrounded\nby half-naked, grease-covered bodies.", "And by grease, I mean motor grease.", "We're going to Robots vs. Wrestlers!", "Kids, you remember Robots vs. Wrestlers.", "Forget everything you\nremember about Robots vs. Wrestlers.", "This is Robots vs. Wrestlers: \"Legends\".", "Elderly wrestlers fighting\nold-timey robots", "in a\nwheelchair-accessible wrestling ring.", "Why are we still sitting here?", "I got a big lecture tomorrow.", "Think I'm gonna take it easy tonight.", "Ted, trust me, 20 years from now,", "you'll be glad you saw Robots\nvs. Wrestlers: Legends.", "I can't imagine a world\nwhere that's possible.", "I'm serious.", "20 years from now,", "when my 26-year-old third\nwife asks me about this...", "You make a lot of those jokes.\n- I'm gonna say,", "\"Yeah, it was awesome, but\nyou know the funny thing?", "Ted almost didn't go\".\n- Hmm.", "\"But thank God he did, because\nit was a great night\".", "And then she and I\nwill adjourn to the Jacuzzi,", "where my fourth wife will\nbe waiting for us,", "already warming herself up on the jets.", "Oh, Robin's here... I'll\ntell you the rest later.", "Please do, that story could go anywhere.", "Mwah.", "Hey, hello.\n- Hey.", "Here we are at the bar once more.", "\"What will I have to drink?\" you ask.", "Hmm.", "Minnesota Tidal Wave.", "\"What's that?\" you ask.", "Only the best cocktail\never. \"Who invented it?\" you ask.", "Me.", "And it's not a girly drink.", "Lily, why would you even say that?", "Girly drink.", "Hey, I am the least girly girl on Earth,", "and I love the Minnesota Tidal Wave.", "Thank you, Robin.", "Matter of fact, I'm going to go order\none right now with my head held high.", "Lily.", "Lily. Yes, please, thank you, baby.\n- You want me to order it for you?", "Ted, let me tell you the secret to life.\n- Hmm.", "Every time I make a\ndecision about what to do", "on a given night, I ask myself,", "\"What would make the best\nmemory 20 years from now?\"", "So I let\n20-Years-From-Now- Barney call the shots.", "And it always works out.", "And\n20-Years-From-Now-Barney", "thinks we should go to\nRobots vs. Wrestlers?", "I don't know. Let's ask him.", "Close your eyes, Ted.", "Okay, now open them.", "Barney, I swear to God, if I\nopen my eyes and your bare ass", "is an inch away from my face again...", "Just open your eyes.", "Ted, I'd like you to\nmeet 20-Years-From-Now-Barney.", "20-Years-From-Now-Barney, you remember Ted.", "'Sup?", "Hey, Ted. What's\nthis I hear-slash-remember", "about you not wanting to\nsee Robots vs. Wrestlers?", "Yeah, it's just that\nI don't want to see it.", "You don't...\n- I know.", "He doesn't...\n- I know.", "Ted, trust us, it's gonna be legend...", "wait 20 years for it...", "dary!", "Legendary!\n- Legendary!", "Okay... I'm gonna go home.", "No, Ted, look.\n- Come on!", "If you don't believe\nthat Robots vs. Wrestlers", "is gonna be a life-changing event,", "maybe you'll believe\n20-Years-From-Now-Ted.", "Whoa.\n- 'Sup?", "Wow.", "Wow, so many things all at once.", "But most importantly...", "I don't go bald?", "Nope.", "And neither do I.", "Eeh...", "Ted, listen to me.", "You, listen to you.", "Me.", "You got to go to\nRobots vs. Wrestlers: Legends.", "Trust me, you will\nregret it if you don't.", "So, what, do I go bald or something?", "Is that a toupee?", "Ted, scalp check!\n- Can't Robin do this?", "Come on, you've been doing it for\nyears. You know the frame of reference.", "Scalp check!", "Hmm, that's odd.", "Little early in the\nweek for scalp check.", "Five tablespoons of sugar,", "a whisper of vanilla vodka", "and you're done.", "Maraschino cherries.", "Oh, and a handful of maraschino\ncherries on top.", "Wait, you're\nordering a Robin Scherbatsky.", "Why didn't you just say that?", "One second there, barkeep.", "Unless I'm mistaken,", "the drink this lady just ordered is\ncalled the Minnesota Tidal Wave.", "Origin unknown.", "Oh, well, you know, Robin's\nbeen ordering them so much lately", "that we named it after her.", "You named a drink after me?", "Right there in the menu.", "Congrats.", "I can't drink this.", "That's better.", "I'm still seething, but that's better.", "Okay, 20-Years-From-Now-Me,", "level with me.", "You. Us.", "Is Robots vs. Wrestlers worth it?", "It was the single greatest\nnight of my life.", "Even greater than your wedding?", "Well, I mean, when I get married,", "that'll be the greatest\nnight of my life.", "But who knows when that's\ngoing to happen?", "Oh, my God, you still haven't...", "Man, I hope I meet her soon.", "Oh, God, what is wrong with me?", "I'm sorry!", "I'm just messing with you!", "Now, come on, are we going or what?", "Fine, let's go.", "Yeah!", "Not so fast.", "Barney, Ted, 20-Years-From-Now-Barney,", "20-Years-From-Now-Ted.", "Who are you?", "I'm\n20-Hours-From-Now-Ted.", "And you bastards aren't going anywhere.", "So, you're the Ted from\n20 hours from now?", "Shh.", "Just... shh.", "You okay?", "No, I'm not okay.", "This dummy's about to\ngo to Robots vs. Wrestlers...", "and yes, it'll be awesome...", "See?", "at first.", "But then you're gonna\ndrink way too much,", "hence the headache.", "Then you're gonna jump into the ring and\nsprain your wrist, hence the splint.", "And then afterwards, you're gonna\nsmoke half a pack of cigarettes, hence the...", "Well, that's the sound a good time.", "And 20 hours from now, when you're me,", "you're gonna want to come back\nhere, right to this very spot, right now,", "and smack yourself upside the head.", "Yeah, but obviously I wouldn't do\nthat 'cause I'd only be smacking myself...", "Ow!", "Don't do this to me,\nTed. Don't do this to us.", "Don't listen to\nyourself, Present-Day-Ted.", "It's a day of pain for\na lifetime of memories.", "20-Hours-From-Now-Me,", "just tell me one thing:", "do I hurl?", "Yeah, kid.", "You hurl.", "A lot?", "Remember when Mom", "bought the beef from the Price Club?", "Okay, how about this:", "we go to Robots vs. Wrestlers,", "but I don't drink too much?", "Interesting.", "I'm good with that.\n- No, forget it.", "If Ted doesn't get wasted,", "there's no way he'll end up making out", "with that surprisingly realistic-looking\nfemale robot.", "Wait, I kiss a female robot?", "Oh, you do a lot more than that.", "Now, look, nobody is saying\nyou need alcohol", "to have an exciting and memorable night.", "Absolutely not.\n- Absolutely not.", "But in this case, yeah, you\nkind of have to be wasted.", "You drink beers in cans still.", "It makes the robot scarier.", "They named my drink after her.", "The Minnesota Tidal Wave.", "It's my usual.", "Immaterial!", "If it's gonna be named after anybody,", "it should be called\nThe Marshall Eriksen.", "Sorry, it's The Robin Scherbatsky.", "Read it and weep.", "Oh, so you're gonna Zuckerberg me?", "That it?", "You're Zuckerberging me?", "That's fine.", "I'll see you in court.", "Little court known as the dance floor.", "Dance-off. Now.", "No, no dancing.", "Marshall, we've been through this.", "The doctor said your dancer's\nhip is worse than ever.", "You have to lay off dancing for a while.", "You're killing me, Lily!", "You're killing me!", "I'm an adult.", "You have to let me dance my own battles.", "Marshall, there's not\ngonna be a dance-off", "because the name is staying.", "Period, end of story.", "I just like having my name on something.", "Oh, you do?", "Oh, that's great, Robin.", "Then that's what you will get.", "That's...", "what you...", "will get.", "Mmm,\nmmm-mmm-mmm.", "Oh, hey, Robin.", "You here \"for a good time\"?", "Classic.", "Did you write my\nnumber in the men's room?", "It... Well, I don't know.", "I guess you'll never know unless you go\nin there, which I highly doubt that...", "There she goes.", "Okay, boys.", "Close your eyes and zip your flies.", "Hi. Don't mind me.", "I don't think you should have done that.", "Lily, I know what I'm doing, all right?", "I'm a lawyer.", "I've thought about every\npossible scenario.", "I'm ten steps ahead of...", "Where's she going?", "Probably into the ladies' room", "to write something\non the wall about you.", "Nobody writes things on\nthe walls of the ladies' room.", "Have you been in the ladies' room?", "Of course not.", "Lily, I know that I have the\nsexual charisma of a bad boy,", "but I certainly don't\nhave the manners of one.", "What'd you write in there?", "Why don't you go in and look?", "You know I can't do that, Robin.", "Lily, can you go look?", "Oh, I thought you wanted\nto dance your own battles.", "Ladies, put your blouses back on!", "I'm coming in!", "Dear Marshall,", "I know this is a\nstrange way to apologize,", "but I'm sorry I let Carl\nname your drink after me.", "Why didn't I say something?", "Gosh, I guess that goes\nback to my childhood.", "Okay, guys.", "Let's go to Robots vs. Wrestlers.", "Huzzah!\n- Now you're talking!", "Here we go.\n- Nope, sit down.", "Everybody sit down.", "Okay, who are you?", "Hello, Ted, Barney, 20-Hours-From-Now-Ted,", "20-Years-From-Now-Ted, 20-Years-From-Now-Barney.", "Hey, how's it going?", "Allow me to introduce myself.", "I'm\n20-Minutes-From-Now-Barney,", "and I have got\nsomething very important to...", "What's the stain on your shirt, bro?", "Please, please, I really do\nhave something very important to...", "You look stupid.", "Here's your spaghetti.", "And be careful...", "with the meatball.", "And that's the only time my father", "ever said he was proud of me.", "Maybe that's why I stole\ncredit for your drink.", "Maybe that's why I needed\nto pour my heart out like this.", "Or, maybe I wrote this so\nyou'd be in here long enough", "for a lady to walk in,\ncausing you to freak out", "and hide in the stall.", "So, you got a text message?\n- Yeah.", "Whoa.", "Try to get some in your mouth next time.", "Okay, everybody, listen up.", "When I walked in here,", "I was\n20-Minutes- From-Now-Barney.", "But that was 19 minutes\nand some serious acid reflux...", "who orders spaghetti at\nan Irish bar?... ago.", "Now, I'm\n20-Seconds- From-Now-Barney,", "and I'm telling you, watch that door.", "Why?", "That's why.", "Um, oh.", "In-in, like, 12 seconds.", "Your skin looks great.", "Thanks.", "And thank you for\ntaking such good care of it.", "Shh.", "That's why.", "Who is that?", "She's the coat check girl", "from that dance club we\nwent to seven years ago.", "You remember that night.", "When Barney grinded with his cousin.", "Oh, man, you remember\nthat 20 years from now?", "He won't let anyone forget.", "Coat check girl.", "I always meant to go back to that\nclub and get her number, but I didn't.", "And now she's here?", "She's in this bar seven years later?", "I can't believe this.", "So, wait, do you guys\nthink I should go talk to her?", "Are you kidding me?\n- Yes, go...", "How many different ways...\n- Idiot.", "Hello?", "Is anybody out there?", "Sounds like the coast is clear.", "No, no, wait! Please,\nit's not my fault!", "I was tricked!", "Not cool, Marshall.", "This is a nice bar.", "Girls come here, they just\nwant to relax with their friends,", "maybe have a few Robin Scherbatskys,", "and not have to worry out some guy", "pulling a Marshall\nEriksen in the bathroom.", "No, no, no, I know. I just...", "Wait a minute, did you just use my name", "as shorthand for a guy being creepy?", "Yep.", "Well, you know what, Carl?", "I think that you are making", "a broad and prejudicial assumption.", "So next time I meet a\nguy who just goes around", "rushing to judgment, I'm gonna say,\n\"Hey, that guy's being a real Carl...\"", "You don't know my last name.", "You've been drinking here for years,", "and you don't know my last name.", "I will name every\ndrink in this bar after you", "if you can tell me my last name.", "Well, that just seems confusing.", "How will you know what\npeople are ordering?", "What's my last name, Marshall?", "It's Carl...", "'s Junior.", "Okay, wish me luck, everyone.", "Break a leg...", "What the hell?", "Do not talk to her.", "What-what... Who are you?", "We are\n20-Months-From-Now- Coat-Check-Girl.", "But there's two of you.", "Right, because if you go over\nthere and you talk to her,", "20 months from now, it's\ngonna end in one of two ways.", "Either you are gonna get sick of me.", "I made you muffins", "because of your nickname: Muffin.", "Or...", "I am gonna get sick of\nyou and your stupid habits.", "Stop DVR-ing the news. You're\nnever gonna catch up.", "Oh, stop it,", "you're scaring him off.", "By the way, I'm pregnant.\n- No, she's not.", "Okay, no, I'm not,", "but that made you\nhappy for a second, right?", "Please shut up.\n- Okay, wait,", "so you're saying it's\ndoomed completely?", "One of us is just\nguaranteed to get sick of the other", "and call it quits?", "You've been dating for a long time, Ted.", "Has it ever gone any other way?", "Look at this one.", "Thank you so much.", "Hey.\n- Hey, you look kind of down.", "Have a Robin Scherbatsky, on me.", "None of this would have\nhappened if Lily had let me dance.", "Baby, wait.", "God, you're still clinging to that?", "Marshall, it doesn't matter,", "'cause you'd lose\nanyway, and you know why?", "'Cause I'm Sparkles, bitch.", "Oh, and you think you can step to me?", "You think you can\nstep up to the streets?", "To me?", "You think you can step\nup over me to the streets?", "I guess we'll never know because you are not allowed...\n- Wait, wait.", "That's my jam.", "Who's playing my jam?", "# Like you carry dairy\nthere # Carry dairy there #", "# Heinie heinie heinie ho\n# Heinie heinie heinie ho #", "# Work your derriere\n# Work your derriere #", "Dance-off.", "You're on.", "# Work that booty", "# Work that booty, work that booty #", "# Work that booty", "# You got that pretty brown round #", "# Want both hands all on\nthem chocolate mounds #", "# Give you my Almond Joy...", "Oh.", "I think I'm gonna head home.", "I understand.", "What, you're not gonna try and stop me?", "And how would I try and stop you?", "I don't know, by\ntelling me life is short,", "and if you ever come across a beautiful,", "exciting, crazy moment in it,", "you got to seize it while you can", "before that moment's gone?", "Ted, this moment already is gone.", "The whole Minnesota Tidal\nWave thing happened five years ago.", "It's just a memory.", "And the rest of this", "never happened.", "Right now, Marshall and\nLily are upstairs,", "trying to get\nMarvin to go back to sleep.", "Robin and I are trying\nto decide on a caterer.", "And you've been sitting here all\nnight, staring at a single ticket", "to Robots vs. Wrestlers", "because the rest of\nus couldn't come out.", "Look around, Ted.", "You're all alone.", "Kids, it's been almost 20 years", "since that cold April night in 2013,", "and I can safely tell you,", "if I could go back in\ntime and relive that night,", "there's no way in hell I'd\ngo to Robots vs. Wrestlers.", "No, I'd go home.", "I'd go to my old apartment,", "see all my old furniture, my old stuff.", "I'd see my old drafting table,", "where I sketched out my first building.", "I'd sit on that old couch", "and smell the Indian food cooking\nthree stories below.", "I'd go to Lily and Marshall's place,", "be back in that old living\nroom where so many things happened.", "I'd see the baby.", "I don't know if you\ncan picture me holding", "your six-foot-seven cousin\nMarvin over my head,", "but back then I could.", "I'd go have a drink with\nBarney and Robin,", "watch them fight about their caterer", "or whatever it was they\nwere fighting about that night.", "But none of those things\nis the thing I'd do first.", "You know the thing I'd do first?", "Hi.", "I'm Ted Mosby.", "And exactly 45 days from now,", "you and I are gonna meet,", "and we're gonna fall in love,", "and we're gonna get married, and...", "we're gonna have two kids.", "And we're gonna love\nthem and each other so much.", "All that is 45 days away.", "But I'm here now,", "I guess, because...", "I want those extra 45 days...", "with you. I want each one of them.", "Look, and if I can't have them,", "I'll take the 45 seconds before\nyour boyfriend shows up", "and punches me in the face,", "because...", "I love you.", "I'm always gonna love you,", "till the end of my days", "and beyond.", "You'll see.", "Can I help you?", "Oh, hey, it's... Louis, right?", "It's okay.", "It's fine...", "I'm in love with your girlfriend,\nand... we're gonna get married.", "What?\n- Yeah.", "Okay, guys, I've been\nwaiting 20 years for this.", "Just like we practiced.", "No mistakes, ready?", "One, two, a\n- one, two, three, four.", "Whoa-oh-oh-oh", "# For the longest", "# For the longest time", "Whoa-oh-oh", "# For the longest", "# For the longest time", "# If you said good-bye to me tonight #", "Ooh-ooh-ooh", "# There would still", "# Be music left to write", "Doo-doo-doo", "# What else could I do?\nI'm so inspired by you #", "# That hasn't happened\nfor the longest time. #"], "How I Met Your Mother S08E21 Romeward Bound": ["Kids, by the spring of 2013,", "Lily and Marshall had life figured out,", "Lily was making a name as the\nart consultant for The Captain,", "Marshall was a\nsuperstar environmental lawyer", "and home life was a well-oiled machine.", "And then...", "something changed.", "Captain, you wanted to see me?", "Captain? Hello?", "Permission to come aboard?", "Granted.", "Lily, small order of business:", "I'm moving to Rome and\nI'd like you to come with me.", "Carry on.", "What? That-That-That's\namazing,", "but I don't know if I\ncan just uproot my life.", "It's only for a year. Carry on.", "But I'm married and we have a baby", "and they just opened a Shake Shack\non our block and there's never a line!", "I understand it's a big\ndecision. Take all the time you need.", "Just let me know by the end of the day.", "Also, I need your advice\non purchasing some luggage.", "What kind?\n- Carry on.", "Well, this has been fun. I should go.", "But you literally just got here.", "I didn't \"literally\" just get here.", "I hate when people misuse that word.", "So do I. But you\nliterally just got here.", "Hey, Ted.", "Well, this has been fun. I should go.", "Okay, fine, now I'm leaving.", "Why do people go to a bar, anyway?", "To get your drink on and\nsome girl's pants off.", "I can do both at home.", "What are you looking at?", "The girl in the big coat?", "We were in the same yoga class together.", "You know how sometimes you'll meet\na girl and there'll be that", "one bewitching little\ndetail that'll make you", "fall in love with her instantly?", "You know, a little freckle on the nose,", "the-the lilt of her laugh,", "the way she pronounces a\ncertain word or phrase?", "Sure, totally.", "Well, in this girl's case,", "the bewitching little detail is the fact", "that she has just a \"redonkulous\" body.", "Redonkulous?\n- Redonkulous!", "I've only heard you use\n\"redonkulous\" to describe", "Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.", "Barney,", "this girl has", "the Mission Impossible:\nGhost Protocol of bodies.", "Whoa.", "Just wait till she takes that coat off.", "Oh, wait, sorry, you were just\nabout to leave, right?", "I mean, I've already\npaid for this drink.", "Guys, The Captain just made\nme a very interesting offer.", "Finally, we get around to\nthe real reason he hired you.", "Just promise you film\nit, and please use a tripod.", "There's nothing\nartistic about shaky-cam.", "It just looks sloppy.", "He wants me to move to Rome\nfor a year to buy art for him.", "Whoa! Seriously?", "Is that something you want to do?\n- Are you kidding?", "I've always wanted to live abroad!", "My summer in Paris, back in\ncollege, was so enlightening:", "the art, the history, the free cheese", "just for wearing a low-cut top.", "Well, how does Marshall\nfeel about moving?", "I haven't told him yet.", "He really loves his job here.", "Yeah, but he also loves Italy!", "He took a week of Italian in college,", "and the only reason he dropped\nit was 'cause he had a conflict...", "with being not stoned.", "But he still knows how\nto say the phrase,", "\"Come on, bro, don't\nBogart all the Funyuns\".", "All right, I'm gonna call him.", "Hey, baby.", "Hey, baby, I can't talk right now.", "I'm working on a big case. Bye.", "And that's when Lily realized", "what moving to Rome would really mean.", "And before you know it...", "his life turns into an angsty,", "existential\nblack-and-white Italian movie.", "Exactly.", "I used to be a lawyer.", "I don't know anymore.", "I'm sorry. I got to\nhit pause for a second.", "Why is it so hot in here?", "Oh, right. While you\nwere blabbering on and on", "about your whole life\ncrisis or whatever,", "I slipped Carl a hundred to\nturn the heat up in here.", "What? Why?", "Because she is still in\nthe big puffy coat!", "Barney, what are you doing?\n- I'm trying her out of that coat,", "that's what I'm doing! I'm fighting\nhotness with hotness!", "You're engaged.", "Okay, Lily, clearly\nyou're forgetting something.", "Yes, I'm engaged to the\ncoolest girl on Earth.", "This is about looking, not touching.", "Robin understands there is\none set of balls she can't tie up", "with a necktie and lightly\nhit with a Ping-Pong paddle.", "These balls.", "Okay, I'm gonna call The Captain,\nget this over with.", "Ahoy.", "Hello, Captain?", "Lily,", "I hope you're not calling to\nharpoon our big move to Rome.", "Thank you, but I can't ask my\nhusband to abandon his career.", "Would you like me to\ntry and convince him?", "I'm very persuasive.", "I'm sorry, the ship has sailed.", "What's that mean?", "Well, you know, \"The ship has sailed\"?", "That it's over and\nthere's nothing you can do?", "What a peculiar expression. Hmm.", "Well, thanks for all\nyour hard work, Lily.", "I've never been good\nat good-byes, so...", "Well, that's that.", "My dream job as an art\nconsultant is over.", "And the sad part...\n- Okay, I gotta stop you right there, Lily,", "'cause unless I'm\nmistaken, lock and load gentlemen.", "A scarf? No, don't put on, take off!", "Okay, you're starting to drool.", "I'm calling creepy.", "Lily, it's fine.", "This is purely academic.", "It's-It's like\nbird-watching.", "And right now, I am\nwatching a double-breasted... Robin!", "Wait... they know each other?", "Whoa, wait... what is going on here?", "Oh, my God, it's happening.", "This is just like I imagined.", "Right in front of Ted, so\nI can rub it in his face.", "The belt is mine!", "Hi, guys. Barney, you remember Liddy.", "I do?", "Yes! Libby.", "Liddy. We met when Robin hired me.", "Robin hired you? Naughty girl. Okay.", "Okay, so how's this gonna go down?", "You two just gonna\nstart, and I'll just jump in?", "Uh, she's our wedding planner.", "Of course she's the wedding planner!", "Good to see you again, Libby.", "Liddy.\n- Yeah.", "Hey, I'm Ted. We...\nwe met once before.", "Oh, right, in yoga class. How are you?", "She's talking to me.", "Well, I would love to stay,\nbut now that I'm unemployed,", "I think I'll go\nsurprise Marshall at work.", "Wedding planner.", "So Lily went to visit Marshall at work,", "hoping she wasn't\ninterrupting anything important.", "She wasn't.", "Whoa. What is going on?", "Bernard, if we just\nglue the cards together...", "Lily! What are you doing here?", "Well, I baked you brownies", "because I thought you\nwere busy working, but...", "so when you said...", "Lily, hey, I can't really talk.", "I'm working on a big project right now.", "It's a real house of cards.", "Is this the \"house of\ncards\" you were talking about?", "I thought you had some big client.", "Oh, sweetheart, we haven't\nhad a client here in months.", "Mmm! Brownies! Hey!", "What is going on? What do you mean", "you haven't had a client in months?", "Ever since the Gruber\ncase, we lost a lot of business,", "people got laid off... it's\njust me and Bernard now.", "Where's Cootes?", "He's holed up in a\nbomb shelter in Colorado,", "waiting for the apocalypse\nand tending to his herb garden.", "So all those times I've\ncalled you in the past few months,", "when you talked about\nhow busy you were...", "you were just lying to me?", "Technically, I never lied...", "Hey, baby.", "Hey, baby, I can't talk right now.", "I'm working on a big case. Bye.", "That is a big case.", "Bad time, Lily. I got\nto focus on the client.", "Gotta go. Bye.", "Where were we?", "Chapter 19.", "I can't talk right now,\nI got a lot on my plate.", "Well, let's dig in.", "If we start now, we\ncan be done by lunch.", "Now's not a good time, Lil.", "We got a lot of\nballs in the air right now.", "Okay, toss me the stapler.", "Unbelievable.", "Wait...", "when you said you\nwere about to get reamed...", "Oh, right. That.", "No, sometimes, for fun,", "We throw reams of paper at each other.", "Bernard! Not a good time!", "Read the room!", "I'm sorry, baby, I...", "I didn't want you to see me fail.", "Damn it! Do you realize what\nyou cost us by lying to me?", "The Captain is moving to Rome,", "and he offered to bring me\nalong as his art consultant,", "but I turned it down,\nbecause I thought you loved your job.", "Oh, my gosh.", "If we lived in Italy,", "I could just spend my\ndays taking care of Marvin", "and trying to make pasta and watching\nItalian Price Is Right.", "It sounds like a dream!\n- Oh, it's too late.", "No, no. Lily, I'm going\nto The Captain's right now!", "I'm gonna make this right!\nI'm gonna get you that job!", "No, Marshall...\n- You're getting that job!", "You can just make it out to Liddy Gates.", "That's L-D-D-Y.", "L-I, two D's...", "double D...", "two D's... Y.", "Well, here is the\nfinal menu, as we discussed,", "but let me be clear. You're\nthe boss, I'm here to serve you.", "So if there's\nanything you want me to remove,", "just tell me to remove it and it's gone.", "I'll remove anything you want.", "That sounds like a sound policy.\nUp to you, whatever you feel like.", "That's a good... That's\na good thing to know.", "That's fine, you can remove\nwhatever you want.", "I'm serious, and I won't\nbe offended, you want it gone,", "I'll take it right\noff. Is it hot in here?", "You know what?\n- It's not cold.", "It's hot, it's sticky.\n- It's not... It's like", "Bikram, right?", "We're yoga buddies.", "# Yoga buddies.", "Well, I'll let you guys read the menu.", "Can you point me to the...\n- Coat rack?", "restroom?", "Uh, it's right over there.", "But it's hard to pee in a giant coat.", "Okay, what's going on?", "Why are you guys being so weird?", "Ted says that Liddy\nhas a ridonkulous body,", "but there's no way of verifying because\nshe won't take off the coat!", "Is that why it's so hot in here?", "Did you pay Carl to\nturn up the heat again?", "Well, yes.", "But I was curious.", "I want to get that coat on the rack", "so I can see the rack\nthat's under the coat.", "My God.", "I have been wondering the same thing.", "I mean, she never takes that coat off.", "Whatever she's smuggling\nunder there has to be thermonuclear.", "I bet she has WBDs.", "Weapons of bra destruction.", "Thank you.", "This, this is why", "you're the coolest fianc\u00e9e ever.", "So, Ted, when you say ridonkulous...", "I can't even describe it.", "It'd be like trying to\nexplain a rainbow to a blind person.", "Is she single?", "Why don't you ask her out?", "Actually, I almost\ndid the first time we met,", "before she took off that coat.", "Sandstorm?", "Dubai? That hoodie?", "I mean, it's ridonkulous.", "Oh, I know. I so want to see it again.", "Well, hey, I mean, maybe after\nthis, if you're not doing anything.", "Totally, and maybe later,\nwe could get a bite to eat.", "There's this great\nplace that's super close.", "No, I...", "No, I... No.", "It was just too much.", "Indiana Jones\nwouldn't look at this body.", "This is a body that\nwould melt a Nazi's face.", "Oh, man, I want my face to melt.", "It's too bad Marshall isn't here.", "Why Marshall?", "'Cause he could just say...", "Hey, Liddy,", "why don't you take off that coat?", "And Liddy would be all...\n- Sure, should I take my shirt off, too?", "No, the coat's probably enough.", "And he'd get away with it.", "You know why? No stink.", "You obviously haven't split a\ncab with him after basketball.", "No, I don't mean \"physical stink\".", "I mean the pheromonal stink", "a guy gives off when he's\ndesperate for action", "to a pathetic degree.", "You know, like Ted.", "I have stink?\n- Bro, you dipped in stink.", "If Liddy came back to\nthe table and you said...", "Uh, Liddy,", "why don't you... take off that coat?", "You want me to take my coat off? How\nabout instead, I take off your face?", "Ow!", "Ow, oh!", "Really?", "You had to have her beat me up?", "She's not done, Ted.", "Ghost Protocol", "wasn't that good!", "Marshall, on the other hand,", "girls take one look and just know", "there's a guy who's\nmet the girl of his dreams", "and wants to spend the rest of\nhis life with her and only her.", "So why don't you ask her?", "Pardon me?", "Aren't you a guy who's met", "the girl of his\ndreams and wants to spend", "the rest of his life\nwith her and only her?", "Of course, baby.", "So why don't you ask\nher to take her coat off?", "Um...", "And you never even saw Ghost Protocol.", "So, the big day's coming up.", "How are you guys feeling?", "I talked to the caterer, and the\nmini lamb shanks are gonna be amazing.", "Oh, by the way, I talked to\nthe florist, and the violets", "are gonna be gorgeous.\n- Okay, Barney. You can do this.", "Just say it. Say it.", "Say it.\n- little ones and big ones...", "Hey, Liddy, do you\nwant to take off your coat?", "Sure.", "I did it! I proved to\nmyself and everyone else", "that I have no desire to\nbe with any other woman.", "I am completely immune to every other...", "Holy crap!", "And it was, indeed,", "ridonkulous.", "And we got to see it, all thanks", "to this lovely lady right here.", "Robin, thanks to you, I\ncan now walk up to any girl", "and say whatever\ncreepy, disgusting thing I want", "and totally get away with it.", "Mm.\n- Man!", "I think I'm gonna like being married.", "Hello?", "Ahoy.", "Ahoy, Lily.", "I just had a long\ntalk with your husband.", "He convinced me to offer\nyou that job in Rome again.", "How do you respond?", "Thanks, but the answer is still no.", "Lily, why the hell did\nyou turn that down again.", "Because I'd have to\nget a new passport photo.", "And I'd miss out on New York in August.", "Unless they open the\nShake Shop in a box.", "Lily, what's the real reason?", "What if we moved to Rome...", "What's so funny?\n- I'm uh sorry.", "I can't believe you paid a 10\nmillion euro this painting.", "Why not?", "This is not even a painting.", "I spin my plate, it's\ngonna fill a blank canvas.", "Smell it.", "It's like a toilet.", "It just make you look uh", "stupida.", "Lily, you're fired.\n- What?", "But no. I... it's\nstill a great painting.", "I like what it says\nabout the structure in society", "and the changing worlds of women.", "I used to be an art consultant.", "Hey baby. It's time\nfor Marvin's... bottle.", "And it's all because I\nscrewed up and through away", "a perfectly\ncomfortable life here in New York.", "Lily, you're not going to screw up.", "You know what, just\nplease, just leave it alone.", "Besides,", "deep down, I don't think", "Marshall's even excited about Italy.", "At that very moment in little Italy.", "Marron!", "I can't wait for my wedding day.", "I mean, there is no way", "that Liddy is gonna be\nwearing that coat, right?", "Right?", "\"Barney Stinson, do you hope", "she wears something\nslinky and backless?\"", "\"I do\".", "Okay, can I just say\nsomething as your best man?", "Be careful.", "What do you mean?", "You just... you\nhaven't been acting like a guy", "who's about to get married, and\nI know you think it's okay", "because Robin's so\ncool, but I'm telling you,", "she's not as cool as you think she is.", "Oh,", "I see.", "And you'd know this", "because you know Robin better than I do.", "You know what she\nappreciates better than her own fianc\u00e9.", "I'm just saying,", "if I was getting\nmarried in three weeks...", "But you're not getting\nmarried in three weeks, Ted.", "I am.", "Robin's marrying me, not you.", "You're right.", "Not my place.", "Why don't I get the next round?", "So...", "how many times are you\ngonna say no to your dream job?", "I'm just trying to plan my day.", "I'm a scaredy-cat, okay?", "I want to be the type of\nperson that just charges fearlessly", "into the unknown, but", "I came back two weeks early from Paris", "because I was lonely.", "I went to San Francisco,", "and I was never more\ndepressed in my life.", "I'm small town, Marshall.", "I'm a hick from Brooklyn\nwho's terrified of living", "more than ten subway\nstops from where I was born.", "Okay, Lily, if I can move\nfrom St. Cloud, Minnesota,", "to New York City,", "then you can move to Rome.", "We know nothing about Italy.", "We have no friends there. We\ndon't speak the language.", "Okay, so you know that one sentence.", "Can you say anything else?", "That-that was the same sentence.", "You just changed the inflection.", "I love you, too.", "All right.", "We're going to Italy.", "Si!", "You may not know this yet, but...", "I've already done some shopping.", "Welcome home.", "Oh...", "You are so cool,", "but not for long."], "How I Met Your Mother S08E22 The Bro Mitzvah": ["Kids, this is the story of the night", "Barney's life completely fell apart.", "My life is finally perfect,", "and that is never going to change.", "Fired up for dinner\nwith my mom tonight?", "Yeah. To help\nstreamline the rest of our lives,", "you can always assume my answer\nto that question is no.", "W...\n- I'm pretty nervous.", "Nervous? Why? It's\njust gonna be two hours", "of \"I love Barney the most\".\n\"No, I love Barney the most\".", "You're right. I may not\neven get a chance to talk.", "But I'm still... I don't\nknow. I'm worried she won't think", "I'm good enough to be engaged\nto her precious little Love-Love.", "Okay, first of all,", "it's \"Wuv-Wuv\".", "And second, don't worry.", "I'm just gonna drop\noff our catering deposit,", "and then I will be there for you.\n- Mm.", "Okay, well, please don't be\nlate. I am counting on you tonight.", "And be careful... that's\n5,000 bucks in there.", "Uh, I think I'll be\nokay walking four blocks here", "on the Upper East Side.", "Please, I swear I never\ntalked to the North Koreans!", "Unless you are the North Koreans, in\nwhich case I never talked to the South Koreans!", "Barney Stinson,", "you are being kidnapped.", "For your surprise bachelor party!", "A kidnapping.", "Respect.", "I was secretly worried you might not\nbe able to pull off my bachelor party.", "Yeah, it wasn't that secret.", "You two? Planning my bachelor party?", "Look, you seem like nice kids.", "But this is a sacred event,", "a man's rite of passage with his bros.", "His...", "bro mitzvah!", "You didn't just think of that.\nYou've been saying it for months every...", "But here's my dilemma:", "my average night is like an\naverage guy's bachelor party.", "So, no offense, but if you two plan it,", "it's gonna be ordi... why\nwait for it?... nary.", "Ordinary.", "I can help.", "You?", "Look, you seem like a nice kid,", "but bros' fianc\u00e9es\ncannot plan bachelor parties.", "Sorry. You two are on your own.", "And you will disappoint me.", "But make it great, okay?", "But this is a strong start.", "The students have become...", "the intermediate students.", "I just have to make one call.", "Hello.", "Robin, great news!", "I've been kidnapped for\na surprise bachelor party", "so I won't be there at all!", "What? Barney, I can't do\ndinner with your mom alone.", "Okay, I'll call her, make\nup an excuse and cancel.", "And don't worry, I'll\ntake all the blame.", "Hold on.", "Hi, Wuv-Wuv.", "Hi, Momsies.", "I forgot, I'm mentoring an underprivileged\nchild tonight,", "and Robin can't stand the\nidea of dinner with you by herself,", "so we're not gonna be able to...", "Don't bother. She's already here.", "Hold on.", "Robin? Too late. She's already there.", "Barney, don't...", "Robin can't stand the\nidea of dinner with me?", "Great! We're all set then.", "Don't you leave me alone with her.", "That problem is solved.\n- I told you...", "So what's the plan?", "Well, you know the Taj\nMahal in Atlantic City?", "Yeah.", "You know the secret penthouse", "in the top of the Taj Mahal\nin Atlantic City?", "Yeah!", "Boom! There it is.", "Visible from our window.", "In the distance.", "Behind the refinery.", "Okay, you can't quite see it.", "Why are we outside Atlantic City?", "Well, we thought it was best,", "what with your\nweakness for games of chance.", "Kids, Barney was addicted to\none Chinese gambling game", "that was, well, sort of complicated.", "But don't worry.", "Back when you were engaged to Quinn,", "you told us everything\nyou wanted for tonight.", "A bachelor party is a man's...", "bro mitzvah!", "Did you just think of that?\n- Totally!", "We can wear...", "bro-mulkes...", "spin the bro-del...", "and consult the wisdom", "of the Bro-rah.", "Written in...", "He-bro.", "Not at all bro-ffensive.", "Ooh, ooh! Couple other\nideas... and I'm just spitballing here...", "so take 'em or leave 'em.", "Booze, duh, cigars,\nduh, strippers, duh...", "Ooh! Things should get so crazy that\nat some point we should fear for our lives.", "Oh, we'll fear for our lives, all right.", "When we watch Al\nGore's An Inconvenient Truth!", "Yeah. We're gonna pound a\nbeer every time we hear the word", "\"catastrophic\"", "Oh!", "Could that be...", "the next item on your list?", "Mind-blowing entertainment,", "like a naked fire\nshow or a naked magic show.", "There's a good chance our\nengagement doesn't work out, isn't there?", "Not now, honey.", "Or a naked contortionist!", "Or...", "a balloon contortionist!", "Balloons.", "Not the inflatable,\nround, squishy pouches", "I was hoping to see tonight.", "Hold on.", "I told you no clown.", "Well, you didn't like\nthe bubble guy either.", "Hey, Robin.", "Did you tell your mother I'm a virgin?", "What? Why would you think that?", "Save yourself room for dessert.\n- Mmm.", "And I hear you excel at saving yourself.", "You are so funny.", "What's gotten into you?", "Oh, that's right... nothing ever.", "You may be nervous as to what goes\nwhere on your wedding night.", "It's really simple.", "Let me show you.", "And let's start with the fundamentals.", "Why would you tell her I'm a virgin?", "I panicked.", "Look, I really want her to like you,", "so just go with it, okay? Okay!", "Listen, Wuv-Wuv, you\nbetter get your ass back...", "Another guest?", "Who could this be?", "Why, it's Lily!", "And she's here to\ndeliver one of your requests!", "Oh, thank you, Marshall.", "Oh, not that one.", "An appearance by my all-time idol,", "the Karate Kid!", "The Karate Kid was an\nuplifting '80s classic", "about a teen, played by Ralph Macchio,", "who defeats the local\njerk, played by William Zabka.", "At least, that's how most people saw it.", "Here he is,", "just as hot as when his Tiger\nBeat photo spread gave a young girl", "the courage to explore the suddenly\nunfamiliar topography", "of her changing body...", "the Karate Kid!", "Hey, Barney. It's Ralph.", "Listen, it's always flattering...\n- No!", "I hate Ralph Macchio!", "I hate him, hate him, hate him!", "He is not the Karate Kid!", "The Karate Kid was William Zabka,", "star pupil of the Cobra Kai Dojo,", "who this monster defeated with a cheap,", "illegal head-kick", "in the most tragically\nhaunting film ending of all time.", "Oh, see, I thought you meant fun-crazy.", "Shut it, Ralph Macchio.", "Why don't you go have a\nparty with Luke Skywalker", "and Harry Potter and War Horse\nand all the other movie bad guys", "and stop ruining mine!", "This night has been catastrophic.", "\"Catastrophic\"! Everybody pound.", "Sorry, bro.", "I'm staying.", "If this is anything like my bachelor\nparty... strippers, booze,", "definitely no hand\nstuff... wink-wink...", "it is gonna be in... wait for it...", "credible.", "Incredible!\n- Wow.", "You guys are actually a lot alike.\n- You take that back, sir!", "I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!", "I mean, did you guys\neven get a stripper?", "Bro.", "Bro.", "Of course we got a stripper.", "Do we look like the kind of dweebs", "who wouldn't get a stripper?", "And as the saying goes,", "what happens in the sensibly-priced\nbusiness hotel outside Atlantic City", "stays in the sensibly-priced\nbusiness hotel outside Atlantic City.", "Who is it?", "Police. We got a noise complaint from...", "Oh, who am I kidding? I\ncan tell it's dead in there.", "I'm the stripper!", "Barney?", "Quinn?", "This is your bachelor party?\nYou're engaged again,", "less than a year after we broke up?", "Is it Robin?\n- Now, hold on.", "You're not the only\none with questions here.", "You didn't vet the stripper?", "Well, I'm glad you're so happy.", "After we broke up, I had\nto move out of the city,", "my car got totaled, and I had to\ngo back to stripping just to pay rent.", "It's like everywhere I\nlook, my life is a dead-end.", "Wow.", "I am...", "I'm so sorry, Quinn.", "So, how does this work?", "Do you give me a private show, or does everyone...?\n- I am not stripping for you.", "Whoa, whoa! I was promised boobs.", "Oh, Ralph, if you want, I can...\n- Lily.", "Is that the Karate Kid?", "Yes! - Yes!\n- Yes! - No!", "He's a lot like Barney, huh?\n- You take that back, madam.", "I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!", "Okay, okay. I'll tell you what.", "I am going to strip for everyone here", "except Barney.", "And I'm gonna make it dirty.", "Yeah... I'm the bachelor.", "Kind of no stripping without\nthe lap of honor.", "Back me up, bros.", "How'd you even do that?", "What the...?\n- Oh, my God, yeah!", "Hey, Robin.", "Hey, sweetie, having\nfun at your bachelor party?", "No.\n- Good, 'cause my night's been hell!", "And that's the inverted chimney sweep,", "the last of the 17\nbasic sexual positions.", "Now, bondage...\n- Stop! I'm not a virgin!", "My napkin ring has\nseen plenty of breadsticks.", "And one baguette.", "I dated a center for the Knicks.", "Oh, thank God you're not a prude.", "Now we can really talk.", "Four cosmos, pronto!", "Now she's drunk,", "holding up a napkin\nring and three breadsticks,", "and talking about her night\nwith Crosby, Stills and Nash.", "Waiter, can I have another breadstick?", "And Young.", "Please come back.", "Okay. I'll be there soon.", "Real nice.\n- So beautiful.", "I think we really did it. I\nthink we did it, you know?", "You didn't miss a thing.", "Oh, Quinn?\n- Yeah?", "You got a little... something.", "Oh! Oh.", "Let's head back, guys.", "This night has been completely\nhalf-assed.", "You obviously missed\nthe strip show. - Hey-oh!", "Ted, this was my bachelor party.", "A man only gets two or\nthree of these in his lifetime.", "And this is all you do for me?", "That's it, I'm calling it.", "Who needs a ride back to the city?", "Oh. Oh, guys, wait, hold on, hold on.", "Drinking.", "A shot.", "Shooting.", "A gun.", "Shot, gun.", "Shotgun?", "Man, it's crowded in here.", "I know, it's like a clown car.", "Well, I can make some room\nby grinding on Ralph's lap.", "Si-Sitting! I meant, I meant sitting.", "This is the worst bachelor party ever.", "Man, my bachelor party\nwas incr... wait for it...", "and I hope you're hungry, 'cause the\nsecond half of this word is... edible!", "Incredible!", "Self-shake.", "You take that back, clown.", "I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!", "Yeah. You've got more in\ncommon with the clown,", "except his suit's more expensive.", "Hey, yo!", "I mean, what kind of\nloser has his bachelor party", "ten yards from A.C.\nand doesn't even gamble?", "Oh.\n- Oh, sorry.", "Sorry. Sorry.", "Sorry.", "Oh... oh, wait.", "Just a little more. Okay, sorry.", "Okay.", "bro mitzvah!", "Kids, I'll skip over the gambling.", "Like I said, it was a complicated game.", "Although your old man did\npick it up pretty quickly.", "Hey!", "You just won 300 bucks!", "I just lost $5,000.", "Oh, right. 'Cause the chicken.", "Yep, that-that's $5,000, yeah.", "See, I'm laughing", "because you couldn't\nsee me take my top off,", "but I just saw you lose\nyour shirt. - Hey-yo!", "We have to go back.", "Loser! Sorry, that was a real sneeze.", "Might have made you\nmiss what I was saying.", "Loser!\n- Loser.", "We're not going anywhere.", "I can still make this night legendary.", "Uh...", "Oh, oh.", "Okay, I got some credit.", "I just... mm...", "Marshall, stand over there for good luck?\n- Oh, sure.", "Okay, okay.", "Oh! Oh!", "You crazy son of a bitch, you did it!", "I just lost $80,000.", "Oh, right, right, yeah. 'Cause\nthe black jelly bean.", "That-That's\n$80,000. - He's right.", "You know, Ralph,", "earlier at the salon, I\nwaxed on, then waxed off.", "Everywhere.", "Uh, listen, lady, your\nhusband is, like...", "Hey, where is your husband?", "Marshall?", "Where's Marshall?", "Okay, Lily, don't overreact, but...", "Oh, oh.", "Okay, I got some credit.", "Marshall, stand over there for good luck?\n- Oh, sure.", "You sold my husband?", "Lily, can you be more\nlike the Chinese mobster", "and give me some credit?", "I'm going back for Marshall,\nI just need to get some money.", "You have nothing to worry\nabout, these are the \"good\" mobsters.", "Wow, what kind of bozo\ndoes that to a friend?", "Shut it, Ralph Macchio!", "No, you shut it!", "Ralph Macchio's right, you are a bozo.", "Um, I think they prefer\n\"people of bright color\".", "You know what a bachelor party's about?", "Hanging out with your\nfriends and having a good time.", "But you only care about the\ngood time, not the friends.", "So you know what? I'm-I'm\ndone caring about you then.", "I'm out of here.", "Ted...", "Ted, Ted, I have...", "I just tore your mom\naway from a living version", "of a Nick Nolte mug shot\nand put her in a cab home.", "Thank you for abandoning me", "on what has been one of the\nworst nights of my life.", "So, it's my usual\nfee, plus I always charge", "an extra hundred for\ngirl-on-clown action.", "What the hell is she doing here?", "Robin, I swear, nothing happened.", "That means just hand stuff.", "You...!\n- Oh!", "No, no, stop, stop, stop!", "Sorry, Barney, this...", "this-this is unforgivable.", "It's over.", "You know...", "I never got to do that.", "Ted?", "Robin.", "We're right on schedule.", "Barney is suicidal.\n- I know, it's awesome!", "Yep, kids, we had planned out\nevery step of the night.", "It started three weeks earlier.", "and you will disappoint me.", "But make it great, okay?", "Oh, it'll be great, all right!", "Okay, after two weeks of brainstorming,\nall I have on my list so far is Purell.", "Marshall, what do you got?", "Well, nothing now.", "This is impossible!", "How do you make\nsomething memorable for a guy", "who makes every night the\nbest night of his life?", "Give him the worst night of his life.", "We'll give him the worst hotel room", "with the worst entertainment,", "the wrong Karate Kid,", "and the absolute last\nstripper he would want to see.", "Hold on.", "You want me to\npretend my life's gone to crap", "and I'm back to stripping just\nscrew with my ex-fianc\u00e9?", "I love it!", "That party will be so\nterrible, he'll have to leave it.", "Then I'll instruct his\narch-nemesis to say...", "\"I mean, what kind of\nloser has his bachelor party", "ten yards from A.C. and\ndoesn't even gamble?\"", "Barney will take the\nenvelope of cash I gave him", "and head straight into our trap.", "Hold on.", "You want us to rig a casino game", "to trick one of our\nformer high rollers?", "Um...", "I love it.", "Well, then you get Barney to\nuse one of these guys as collateral.", "He'll probably choose me.\n- What?", "Well, I'd be worth\nmore. Yeah. Perfect teeth.", "Yeah, it's just...", "just I'm way more athletic than you.", "Yeah, this coming from the guy\nwho's never beaten me at skee-ball.", "The only reason a mobster\nmight choose you is because", "they'd be afraid I'd go all\n\"Marshall Unchained\" on them,", "which obviously isn't a risk with you.", "Oh, you want to see some\n\"Ted Unchained,\" huh?", "I'll show you Ted Unchained!", "Marshall, would you mind\nstanding over there for good luck?", "Oh, yeah, sure.", "Meanwhile, I'll make sure", "he's abandoned me in\nmy nightmare scenario.", "Hold on. You want me to help\nyou trick my own son?", "I love it.", "Barney deserves it.", "You know, he told me you were a virgin.", "Ridiculous!", "I know.", "You are a dirty ho-bag just like me.", "But he loves you so much.", "And so do I.", "Wait, hold on. Is there any chance", "this is all too mean to Barney?", "Just kidding.", "Okay, we just need the finale.", "Oh! The Chinese mobsters chop\noff my hand right in front of Barney!", "Yes, we're all equally enthused!", "Okay, here's the\nplan. After I storm off...", "Barney!", "Barney, hurry! Give them the money!", "Please, hurry!\n- Oh, no!", "The Chinese mobster is\ngiving Marshall back", "and taking me hostage instead,", "because he says I'm obviously\nmore valuable!", "Can you, can you unlock the door?", "Barney, please!", "They're gonna chop off my hand!\n- No, they're not!", "They said you're free, and I think", "we agreed that's not something\nmobsters would do.", "Ted, come on! This is my thing!", "Don't hurt him. I've got the money.", "Too late!", "Not my skee-ball hand!", "No...!\n- No...!", "No!", "Please, just don't shoot me\nin the face... or the crotch!", "Surprise!", "What's going on?", "Well, we decided to give you\neverything you wanted for your bachelor party", "without you even realizing it.", "Wait, so that's why you made\nme think Marshall might die?", "And I'd lost all that\nmoney and my friends hated me", "and my wedding was off?", "You just decided to-to check off", "everything on this list in\nthe most twisted way imaginable?", "That is", "awesome!", "And it was all planned by a girl.", "Wow!", "So, Lily...", "later on tonight, you want to...?", "Whoa, whoa, whoa.", "That was all just part of the act.", "Y\n- You knew that, right?", "Yeah! Totally.", "We pulled it off, right?", "Platonic shake!", "Everyone, everyone, thank you\nfor an incredible bro mitzvah.", "Mazel brov!", "Mazel brov!", "Mm, oh, you didn't really\nget everything on the list.", "N\n- No offense to Ralph Macchio,", "but he ain't the Karate Kid.", "I couldn't agree with you more.", "You know,", "they almost didn't get me.", "But after 18 voice mails...", "I returned Robin's call.", "And she told me", "how you're one of the\nfew people in the world", "who truly gets The Karate Kid movie.", "So when she asked if I'd help,", "well, my answer just had to be...", "Hai!", "William Zabka!"], "How I Met Your Mother S08E23 Something Old": ["In 1994, Robin's dad took her to\nNew York City for the first time...", "This is amazing! Thank you, sir!", "Well, a little father-son bonding\ntrip never hurt anyone.", "I did almost die from\nmalnutrition on that wolf hunt last year...", "I had to almost kill you\nfor you to learn how to kill.", "New York City's the best, eh?", "I despise it. It's like\nEdmonton, minus the arts and culture.", "Come on, we'll miss our flight.\n- I'll catch up.", "One day, I'm gonna move here,", "marry a sophisticated big-city man", "with a sick mullet...", "like all the way down\nto his shoulder pads,", "and at night,", "he'll let me brush it...", "and I'll dig up this locket", "so it can be my\n\"something old\" at our wedding.", "R.J.!", "Coming, sir!", "I'll be back for you.", "Back then, I was-I was too\nembarassed to tell you why I'd done that, but", "we're closer now.", "I feel like I don't have to\nhide my feminine side anymore", "just because you've always wanted a...", "Son! It's Barney!", "Great!", "I'll be there in 15, B-dawg.", "Woof, woof!", "That's our thing.", "Uh... be where in 15?", "Laser tag.", "Never been. B\n- dawg's gonna teach me.", "Look, I think that it's\ngreat that you and Barney are...", "B\n- dawg.", "B-dawg are bonding,", "but... you\nagreed to help me with this.", "Fine.", "Where did you bury this tampon?\n- It's a locket.", "I'm sorry, I get all\nthese girlie things confused.", "Do you need my help or not?", "Nah,", "it's stupid.", "So while Robin\nsearched for her something old,", "Lily and Marshall\npacked for their something new:", "Lily's year-long art consultant\ngig in Italy.", "I still can't believe we\nhave to say goodbye to this place...", "Oh. I know, baby.", "But look at it as an\nexcuse to simplify our lives.", "You know, we can't bring everything to\nItaly, so we gotta throw out some junk.", "For example, look...", "my old Sasquatch binders", "that \"I could never throw away\"", "because \"I was gonna be the guy\nwho proved the existence of Bigfoot...\"", "These are obviously coming\nto Italy. But these handbags?", "Gonzo.\n- No way!", "These have sentimental meaning to me.", "Didn't you shop-lift\nthese in your 20s?", "Yes, and I get very nostalgic\nfor that time.", "You get older, you have\nkids, you stop stealing, it's sad.", "Lily... we just\ndon't have room for these.", "Oh, but you get to\nkeep your Bigfoot binders?", "Wait,", "why is this one just December 1999?", "Oh. Y2K was coming.", "Lot of people took to the woods.", "Saw the truth.", "Okay, Marshall, we\ndon't have time to argue", "over what stays and what goes.", "Ooh, you know who we gotta bring in?", "Okay, I agree he is good at this stuff,", "but he just gets so cocky.", "No, he doesn't.", "So I heard you guys have a bit of a...", "packing situation.", "I acknowledge now this was a mistake.", "Look, I came here to\nchew bubblegum and pack boxes.", "And I'm all out of bubble...", "Oh, my God... Oh, my God.", "I swallowed it.", "Is that bad?", "Okay, thank you.", "Well, Dr. Goldsmith\nsays I should be fine.", "I just have to look for it in my stool.", "So as I was saying...", "I heard you guys have a bit of a...", "packing situation.", "Now, as you know,", "I'm a bit of a legend when\nit comes to packing.", "We know.\n- We know.", "Tales are still told", "of the time I\ntraveled all through Spain...", "for two weeks...", "with everything I needed", "efficiently packed into a\nhands-free belt satchel.", "The locals called me...", "Yeah, it's not a\n\"hands-free belt satchel,\" Ted.", "It's a fanny pack.\n- It's not a fanny pack.", "Okay, In Spanish, El\nGanso con la Ri\u00f1onera", "means \"Fanny Pack Dork\".", "No, it doesn't. It means\n\"Packer of Great Skill and Merit\".", "I looked it up.", "It means \"Fanny Pack Dork\".", "And as a Packer of\nGreat Skill and Merit,", "I will tell you how to\npack with Tetris-like precision.", "We get it, you pack a lot in your fanny.", "Obvious yet delightful.", "Okay.", "I got a big interview at 3:00 about\npossibly designing another building.", "Until then, if you abide by my rulings,", "I will tell you what goes to Italy", "and what goes in...", "The Triangle.", "Kids, as you know, \"The\nBermuda Triangle\"", "was the name we gave to the\ncurb right outside our apartment,", "which possessed the magical\nability to make any item disappear.", "Instantly.", "The biggest rule for de-cluttering is,", "\"Have you used it", "in the last year?\"", "If not...", "Triangle.", "Have you used this\njump rope in the last year?", "Are you kidding? I hop threads\nevery morning, son!", "Do three in a row and you can keep it.", "Well-played, Mosby.", "Next!", "Have you used it in the last year?", "Gee, I can't remember.", "Are you trying to bribe me?", "I don't know what you're talking about.", "Take it.\n- Triangle!", "Next!", "Wow, you're a natural...", "Dad.", "You know, I love Robin.", "And her sister's okay, I guess. But...", "there's something\nnice about finally having...", "a son.\n- A s...", "I...", "Cristalli twins, nine o'clock!", "Now make like your\nmommy's ovum and split!", "Solid biology joke, B-dawg.", "Woof, woof!", "Now, I'll admit, to the untrained eye,", "a few of my packing\nrulings may have seemed arbitrary.", "Let's Go Italy? Triangle.", "Triangle...", "let's go Italy.", "A gorilla suit and a blonde wig.", "Have you used either of\nthese in the last year?", "Please, Queen Kong...", "be gentle.", "Nope, haven't used those.\n- I don't think those even belong to us.", "Okay, here's an easy one.", "A leaky,\nten-year-old beanbag chair", "covered in beer, bong water", "and fossilized Cool\nRanch Dorito fingerprints.", "Italy.", "Guys, this chair has been here forever.", "You gotta take it with you.", "Italy.\n- Ted...", "Italy doesn't need\nsomething that is wrinkled,", "red and leaky,", "and smells like booze and narcotics.", "They've already got former\nPrime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.", "I don't know who that is.", "All rulings are final.", "Okay, why are things that\nwe like getting \"Triangled\"", "and crap you like sneaks through?\n- Like what?", "That old 50-pound karaoke machine.", "Come on!", "We sang in the New Year in '02\non this thing, remember?", "We were Destiny's Child!", "And since I was Beyonce,", "I'm pretty sure I get\nfinal say here, so...", "Oh, we were not your backup singers,\nbitch, we were a group.", "I'm sorry, are you\nguys married to Jay-Z,", "or am I married to Jay-Z?", "Italy.", "Wow.", "The way you used that kid having\nan asthma attack as a human shield?", "That took my breath away.\n- Yeah.", "Okay, next,", "I'll be point guy and you\nlay down cover. So I'm...", "are you suggesting that\nI will not be point guy?", "Look, if Michael Jordan's healthy,", "you don't let Scottie\nPippen run the offense.", "Oh, you're from Canada, right.", "If... how do I put this?", "If Wayne Gretzky's\nhealthy, you don't let...", "uh...", "Fran\u00e7ois...", "What I'm saying is: hockey\nis stupid and I'm point guy.", "Well, I'm point guy or I'm off the team.", "Gah! You are the most\nstubborn human being I have ever met!", "You better get used to\nit... you're marrying a Scherbatsky.", "Your daughter is not even a fraction", "as obstinate, stubborn and...", "insane as you are!", "Where are you, you son of a bitch?", "Look away, kids, she's about to pee.", "What...?", "I am not some animal.", "I peed 20 minutes ago and I\nburied it neatly because I am a lady!", "Ted, we haven't used this\nchair in the last year.", "Ergo, Triangle.", "Yeah, I guess I see your point.", "I mean, if you haven't\nused it in the last year...", "Oh!", "Using it!", "Italy!\n- Triangle!", "Italy.", "Triangle!\n- Triangle!", "Italy.\n- Okay, stop!", "Every time he lands, that chair farts\nout ten-year-old Dorito dust.", "Yeah, it's the chair.", "Guys, trust me: you're\ngonna want this chair in Italy.", "I... it'll feel like home.", "All right, buddy.", "You win. Italy.", "Really?\n- Yeah.", "We asked you to be the judge\nhere and we gotta trust your opinion.", "She's right.", "And with all the\ntraveling that we'll be doing...", "we could probably\nuse a couple of your...", "hands-free belt satchels.", "You said they were lame.\n- I hate to admit it,", "but they actually sound useful.", "Could you buy us a couple?", "Two hands-free belt satchels,\ncoming right up.", "Oh, and don't worry, I'll get\ncool colors so you guys don't look like", "whatever the Spanish term\nreally is for \"Fanny Pack Dork\".", "Men,", "it's us...", "versus them.", "Our actions here today", "will echo through eternity...", "Stand up straight, Kaden!", "I only have one rule,\nyou worthless maggots:", "We all respect each other.", "I only have one rule:", "For every three tens you\nbang, throw a bone to a five.", "They're grateful and hard-working\nand let's face it,", "sometimes you just want to lay there.", "What's that got to do with Laser Tag?", "Everything!", "and we will prevail,", "even if it takes all night!", "Tanner.", "I have to be home by 4:00.", "Anyone else have any scheduling issues?", "You can take down\nanyone on their team...", "but I want the big man for myself.", "What's your beef with oldie?", "He's...", "my father.", "Father-in-law.\n- Shut up, Kai.", "Wait a second...", "We get it, you pack a lot in your fanny.", "Obvious yet delightful.", "Oh, no!", "No!", "El Ganso!\n- El Ganso!", "Liars!", "You sent me on a fool's errand.\n- Okay, to be fair,", "buying a fanny pack is inherently\na fool's errand.", "Hands-free belt satchels.", "And just for that, I will not move\nfrom this chair until you agree to keep it!", "Ted, unlike that chair,\nyou, sir, are full of beans.", "You have a job\ninterview in half an hour.", "Screw the interview.", "I'm staying.", "And because the\nforecast calls for rain...", "This...", "is a raincoat.", "Go for Barney.", "Hey. Um...", "I'm having an issue.", "Now, listen, Robin...", "is this urgent or can we\ntalk about it later?", "Nah, it's stupid.", "Have fun.", "So long, losers!", "Um... Look, can you guys help me down?", "I... um...", "Ted, if this chair\nreally means that much to you,", "why don't you just take\nit for yourself?", "No, it's important that you keep it.", "Why?", "This is the first thing we\nbought when we moved here after college.", "It was the only piece of furniture\nwe had for a week.", "And now you two are moving to Italy.", "What if our friendship doesn't pass\nthe \"Have you used it in a year\" test?", "If you can throw out this chair...", "who's to say you\ncan't throw me out, too?", "That could never happen.\n- You're not a chair,", "you're our best friend.", "You can say that, but a\nlot can change in a year.", "Buddy, I...\n- Look, I know I'm being crazy.", "I just...", "I just need a moment with this chair.", "You know...", "to say good-bye.", "We'll give you two some space.", "Kids, you can't cling to the past.", "Because no matter\nhow tightly you hold on...", "it's already gone.", "Hello?", "Hi.", "I'm at the Central\nPark Carousel and...", "I'm having a little bit of an issue.", "Uh, what kind of issue?", "Actually, it's a long story...", "Um, Robin, listen,\nI'm-I'm late for a big meeting.", "Is it important?", "Nah, it's stupid.", "Good luck.", "All right, here's the bottom\nline, cockroaches.", "There's no end in sight", "and we've got no provisions.", "If it comes down to it,", "I need a volunteer\nto let the rest of us...", "eat him.", "Barney's team seems way more fun.", "Nonsense.", "Candy for everyone!", "Okay, Team Animal\nHouse... who wants to try a cigar?", "Yeah!\n- Yay!", "I'm not saying we're gonna\nstart with your face or anything,", "but is there seriously no one here willing\nto give up a hand or a foot?", "We're outta here!", "Ted, why are you here?", "You had that meeting,\nI told you not to come.", "You said, \"Nah, it's stupid,\"", "which is Robin-ese\nfor, \"It's important\".", "Everyone knows that.", "Well... not everyone.", "But you shouldn't have skipped\nthat meeting. Was it important?", "Nah, it's stupid.", "And yet, my future husband...", "who I sometimes fear\nis troublingly similar", "to my emotionally unavailable father...", "is off shooting laser guns with,\noh, yeah, you guessed it:", "my emotionally unavailable father.", "Oh, come on, that's not fair.", "If you told Barney that you\nneeded him, he'd be here in a heartbeat.", "I didn't have to tell you.", "And you're here.", "You don't even know why.", "Seems like I'm here to dig.", "Looking for \"D\" s?", "Long story short, I\npromised my future self", "the locket would be my \"something\nold\" at my wedding.", "What?", "No, I just like that\nthere was ever a version of you", "who imagined having a \"something\nold\" at your wedding.", "Robin Scherbatsky...", "you're a girl.", "Shut up. You're a girl.\n- That's been established.", "The new information\nhere is that you're a girl.", "Wait... is that...?", "Oh, my God, I found it.", "Okay...", "what's really going\non with this locket?", "I'm gonna admit something that I\ncouldn't admit until I found this.", "I've been having\nfears about marrying Barney.", "I mean, in many ways, he's-he's\ngrown up into a mature, caring adult...", "I'm gonna shoot you with your own gun.", "but I still don't\nknow if he's ready for this.", "I still don't know if I am.", "But if I could find this locket...", "if it was still here, waiting for me...", "that would mean that the\nUniverse wanted me to marry Barney.", "And that everything was gonna be okay.", "And when it was gone, it was like...", "every doubt I ever had about Barney,", "about myself, got dug up.", "But I found it.", "And everything's gonna be okay.", "Any last words?", "You know, seeing you on\nthe field of battle...", "ruthless, manipulative, untrustworthy...", "you've got all the\nqualities I would've wanted in a son.", "Now I say to you", "the last words my father said to me:", "\"Shoot me already\".", "Or we could", "keep playing, if you want.", "Nah, it's stupid.", "Okay, Team Animal House, I got him!", "Come on out!", "You're point guy, R-dawg.", "Woof, woof.", "Oh, thank God.", "This is a sign from the Universe.\n- It's not a sign from the Universe...", "Yes, it is!\nThe-the locket is just gone", "and you're telling me that\ndoesn't mean anything?", "You know this is a bad\nomen, Ted... you're Universe Guy!", "And you're Skeptic Girl!", "You're-you're not\nsupposed to believe any of that.", "Well, maybe I've grown skeptical\nof being skeptical.", "This is a sign.", "Look, it's not a sign. You're\ndoing the right thing marrying Barney.", "The Universe isn't\nsending you some message.", "As we know from science,", "rain is liquid water in\nthe form of droplets", "which have condensed from\natmospheric vapor and then precipitated.", "It's not a sign.", "Ted, this is a sign and you know it.", "I mean, the Universe is screaming\nat me right now!", "How-how-how can you, of all people,\ntell me to ignore that?", "Because maybe it's dumb to\nlook for \"signs from the Universe\".", "I mean, maybe the\nUniverse has better things to do.", "Dear God, I hope it does.", "Do you know how many \"signs\" I've gotten that\nI should or shouldn't be with someone?", "And where has it gotten me?", "Maybe there aren't any signs. Maybe...", "maybe a locket's just a locket,", "a chair is just a chair.", "Maybe we don't have to give meaning\nto every little thing.", "Maybe we don't...", "maybe we don't need the Universe", "to tell us what we really want.", "Maybe we already know that,", "deep down.", "# Sharpen them with lies", "# And whatever's going down", "# Will follow you around", "# That's how you fight loneliness... #"], "How I Met Your Mother S08E24 Something New": ["Kids, in the spring of 2013,", "we were all tying up loose\nends before the big wedding.", "I was right here in this very room,\nputting the finishing touches on the house.", "Oh, come on!", "Barney and Robin were wrapping up\nrehearsal for their first dance.", "That was amazing.\n- We can do better.", "Back to one, everyone! Reload the\ncannons, we'll go again right away.", "And Lily and Marshall were packing\nfor their year in Italy.", "Hello.", "How's my\nfavorite daughter-in-law?", "Oh, things are a bit crazy here.", "We've got this big move\nto Rome coming up, and I,", "I just can't shake the feeling\nthat I'm forgetting something, you know.", "I know, I know, I'm being crazy, right?", "Right, Judy?", "Right, Judy?\n- You're moving to Rome?", "Is that my mom?", "Don't mention Rome.", "You didn't tell your mom about Rome?\n- It didn't feel right.", "This isn't over-the-phone\nnews. This is face-to-face news.", "I was gonna tell her when\nwe see her at Christmas.", "You were gonna wait and tell her", "after we had already been\nliving there for six months? That...", "was a great plan. Damn it.", "Hey, Mom, it's Marshall.", "If you're moving to Rome,", "I at least need to see my\ngrandson before you go!", "Of course, and that is why", "we would love for you to\ncome visit us for a week.", "No.", "The place will be all packed up.", "Oh, oh... okay, hey, Mom, better idea:", "how about we all come\nvisit you for a week?", "I can't go to Minnesota\nfor a week. I have a job.", "Okay, Mom, here's the\nplan: Lily has to work,", "so Marvin and I will come\nvisit you for a whole week,", "and I'll see if I can get\na last-minute flight.", "You", "are going to take my infant son", "away from me for a whole week?", "Whoo!", "So, what do you want to do tonight...", "drink ourselves\nblind, set a car on fire?", "Watch a movie that doesn't start", "with a desk lamp jumping\non top of a capital \"I\"?", "I'm all yours, Teddy Westside.", "Actually, tonight it's\nTeddy Westchester.", "Got to head up to the\nhouse, take care of some stuff.", "Oh, yeah, how's the restoration going?", "Actually,", "done.\n- You finished the house?", "Well, I want to see it.", "Marshall already canceled the cable?\n- And the Wi-Fi. It's like Little House", "on the Freaking Prairie up there.", "Well, the wedding planning is done,", "so tonight is all about\nrelaxing and celebrating", "everything that makes us awesome,", "which is why I\nrequested our favorite table.", "The one by the window.", "Where we were sitting the\nnight we saw those two bums fighting.", "Over a sandwich.", "We almost called the cops.", "And then we realized they\nweren't fighting at all.", "They were making love.", "Over a sandwich.", "Oh, I almost forgot.", "Yeah.\n- No way, is that...", "El Piramide.", "The first cigar we ever smoked together.", "Aw, Barney.", "Excuse me.", "Hi.", "Could you not? Thanks.", "Dude, I'm not gonna\nlight 'em up in here.", "I'm just looking at 'em.", "Right, but even when they're unlit,", "the smell... it's very...", "Pungent.\n- Exactly... thank you.", "It's a very pungent smell.", "So, could you not?", "Thanks.", "Okay.", "I'm sorry,", "can you also put the bag away?", "It's just", "really unappetizing to look at.", "You're unappetizing to look at.", "You know what? I'll\nput them away, okay?", "Enjoy your night.\n- We'll try.", "Did those two just\nbecome our archenemies?", "No, Robin, they've\nalways been our archenemies.", "They've only just revealed themselves.", "Hi, Kristen?", "Everyone pronounces it wrong.", "The \"R\" is after the \"I\"", "Kirsten.", "And before the \"I\"", "It's Krirsten.", "Your table's ready.", "Wow, they're \"trerrible\"", "You know what?", "Don't even think about them, okay?", "Tonight is about celebrating us.", "You're right, you're right.\n- We shouldn't let a couple...", "Nope, nope. I'm a self-diagnosed\nclaustrophobic.", "I have to sit next to the window.", "No, that's our table, that's our table,", "that's our table, that's our\ntable, that's our table, that's our table.", "You know what?", "Screw celebrating us. You\nknow what we're gonna do?", "Make those smug, obnoxious\nsons of bitches pay.", "Aw...", "So Aunt Lily and I\ndrove up to Westchester.", "Hey, baby, how's Minnesota?", "It is so much fun.", "Oh, hold on one sec.", "Marshall, I made you this welcome-home\nice cream sundae.", "But I can't remember, do\nyou like crushed nuts?", "No. No.\n- I love crushed nuts.", "Oh!", "Anyway, it's, it's great to be home.", "How's Judy doing?", "Oh, she's great.", "It's cute, you know, she keeps joking\nabout how she's not gonna let us leave.", "I'm really not. It's not a joke.", "Judy's going to talk\nhim out of going to Rome.", "I knew something was going to\nscrew up our plans, and this is it.", "She is going to convince\nhim never to leave the country.", "I think you're imagining things.", "Oh. Oh, yeah? Well, check\nout what's already on Facebook.", "Inconclusive.\n- Oh, really?", "It's getting conclusiver.", "Hey, Lily.", "What?\n- Come on.", "Okay, open 'em.", "Your eyes... sorry,\nthey should have been closed.", "That one's on me. Let's try again.", "Wow.", "Ted, you did this all yourself?", "Just like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook.", "I was pretty manly till I\nmentioned Ryan Gosling in The Notebook, huh?", "Even I haven't seen it, Ted.", "Just think,", "this is the house your\nkids are going to grow up in.", "They are going to roast marshmallows\nin this fireplace.", "They're gonna experiment with recreational\ndrugs on that porch.", "They're gonna sit on a couch right here\nand listen to your boring stories about...", "\"For sale\" sign?", "Are you selling this place?", "Yeah.", "Why?", "Because I'm moving to Chicago.", "So, what are we gonna\ndo... put something in their food,", "key their car? Do\neither of those cigars explode?", "Hold on, Wile E.\nCoyote, I think I got something.", "He's checking out the hostess.", "Now,", "a guy who's happily in a relationship\nsees a girl like that,", "he'll check her out\nmaybe 14, 15 times, tops.", "16 times, tops.", "So Krirsten's more invested in\nthe relationship than her fella is.", "That could spell trouble.", "Challenge accepted.", "Hey, do you think it's\nbad luck for a bride", "to break up two strangers\na week before her wedding?", "I'd say it's very bad luck...", "for Krirsten.", "I hate this table so much!", "Why would you move to Chicago?", "Because it's the perfect town for me.", "It's like a Clevelandy New York,\nand... don't act like you haven't noticed...", "my hair excels in the wind.", "Besides, you're moving to Rome.", "Yeah, for a year, and when we get back,", "we need you to be here waiting for us,", "hopefully living in this\nhouse with your future bride.", "Wha...", "what future bride?\n- The girl.", "She's out there walking\naround New York City right now,", "probably in a pair of really cute boots", "that she's gonna let me borrow\nwhenever I want because we're the same size.", "She is out there, Ted.\n- Is she, really?", "Because I've looked.", "I have looked high and low", "for someone I can love and\nadore and cook waffles for.", "The closest I've come is Marshall.\n- He does love your waffles.", "It's the cinnamon. I add cinnamon.", "She's not in New York.", "Maybe she's in Chicago.", "Okay, you are being ridiculous.", "You are going to find\nsomeone here in New York", "that you love just as\nmuch as I love Marshall.", "And you,", "if you let Judy talk you out\nof going to Italy, so help me,", "I will never let you\nstuff my ravioli again.", "I'm gonna take you off speaker.", "Lily, you got to relax.", "Okay, my mom is psyched about Italy.", "She keeps making\njokes about how she's gonna", "come live with us in\nRome and sleep on the couch", "and cook every meal for us so\nwe never have to go to a restaurant", "the whole year we're there.\n- It's not a joke.", "By not saying no to me\nright now, you are giving me", "your full consent for that to happen.", "I got to go.", "\"I'm probably saying some\npolitical stuff right now to sound smart\".", "\"I'm probably referring to some\nsnooty podcast to sound even smarter\".", "\"I'm probably saying\nsomething in French\".", "My God...", "Okay, you want to break\nthem up? I got a plan.", "It's something I know has worked\nin the past, but it's, it's risky,", "so it's, it's not\ntoo late to call it off.", "No way, I'm in.\n- Good, 'cause it's too late to call it off.", "Observe.", "And that is why the senate\ncan't push anything through.", "And Doug Mand said the\nsame thing in his podcast.", "It's like, \"Apr\u00e8s moi le d\u00e9luge!\"", "Oh, my gosh.", "Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh.", "Yes, yes, yes.", "Yes!\n- What?", "Yes! I will marry you!", "Even though a ring in a champagne glass\nis a total clich\u00e9 and this is a cushion cut.", "And how long have I been hinting that\nI want a princess cut? But yes!", "That's a mistake. That's not from me.", "It's not?", "We've only been together seven years.", "Now it becomes clear.\n- Here we go.", "You want commitment the same way\n- I'm sorry I didn't put an", "you want my brother to work for you.\n- engagement ring in your drink.", "The way you chug booze, I'm\nsurprised you even noticed.", "So, when are you leaving?", "Day after the wedding.\n- What?", "You can't miss the\nday after the wedding.", "That's when we sit around all\nhungover, drinking mimosas", "and talking smack about who looked fat.", "That's my Christmas.", "Why are you in such a rush\nto get out of there?", "Oh.", "Of course.", "You're not leaving because you think\nthe love of your life isn't in New York.", "You're leaving because you think she is.", "And this time next week,\nshe'll be married to your best friend.", "Baby! I am in the middle of\nsomething super dramatic here.", "But real quick: if you let\nJudy come to Rome with us,", "you are going to have to find someone\nelse to do your laundry and massage your feet.", "Oh, my gosh, she's going to\ndo all that, won't she?", "Lily, you have to stop freaking out.", "Nothing is going to screw up the plan.", "We're doing this.", "I love you.", "I love you, baby. Bye.", "Hello?\n- Hi. Marshall Eriksen?", "I'm calling from the New\nYork State Judiciary Committee.", "You applied for a judgeship\na few months ago, remember?", "Of... of course.", "Well, I have good news.", "We have a last-minute\nopening on the bench.", "What are you saying to me right now?", "I'm saying\ncongratulations. We want you to be a judge.", "So, you want me to be a judge?\n- Yes.", "And I would start a week from Tuesday?\n- Yes.", "Could I maybe start a year from Tuesday?\n- No.", "Got to be a week from Tuesday?\n- Yes.", "And I'd be a real judge?\n- Yes.", "With a robe?\n- Yes.", "Gavel?\n- Yes.", "Wacky Southern accent?\n- No.", "Now, counselor, are\nyou absolutely sure?", "Yes.\n- And I have to be in New York for this?", "Yes.\n- I can't telecommute?", "No.\n- I couldn't be the crazy speakerphone judge?", "No.\n- Could I be a hologram?", "No.\n- Animatronic robot", "like Abe Lincoln from\nthe Hall of Presidents", "that I control from\nafar with a joystick?", "No. - Do you remember the\ngiant Jor-El head from Superman?", "Yes.\n- Well, what if I...", "No.\n- Is there any way that I could do this", "and also spend the next year\nof my life in Italy with my wife?", "No.", "This is such a big decision.", "I'm not good at big decisions.", "Are you sure you want to be a judge?", "Wow. Now that we've broken\nup a seven-year relationship", "just 'cause they stole our\ntable, I feel kind of...", "Awesome?\n- I was going to say horny, but yeah, awesome, too.", "No way. Are you kidding me?\n- What?", "Is there going to be a\nfight? Okay, here's the play.", "You take the girl, and the\nguy and I will watch.", "Hello. Just the people we want to see.", "We got in a pretty big\nfight because of you guys.", "We had to call our therapists\nafter hours.", "Not cool.", "Anyway, it got us to where we are now.", "We're getting married!", "And I'm taking her last name.", "You should think about\ndoing the same thing.", "Well, good night.\n- Good night.", "Good night. Yes, definitely.\n- Congratulations.", "That was us.", "We made that happen.", "We're pretty cool.", "And, you know, a week from today,", "we are going to be\nlegend... wait for it...", "Married.", "Legend-married. Legend-married.", "Robin Scherbatsky,", "I love you so damn much.", "I love you, too, Barney Scherbatsky.", "That sounds good. Think about it.", "They're happy. And I'm happy for them.", "I want them to have an\namazing life together. I just...", "I just think it would be best for\neveryone if I wasn't around for it.", "Did something happen\nrecently between you and Robin?", "No.", "Where's the poop, Ted?", "She called me up the other day.", "She was trying to dig up this locket", "she had buried behind the\nCentral Park Carousel,", "and I blew off that big\ninterview to go help her.", "And then...", "it started raining.", "I'll...", "I'll see you at the wedding.\n- Yeah.", "Even now, after all these years,", "there's still just this\npart of me where,", "if there's even the slightest chance\nsomething I do could make Robin smile,", "I don't even think\nabout it... I just do it.", "I mean, if I could make that locket\nmagically appear, I would.", "I would open a vein in my arm", "if I could bleed that\nlocket out, just to make her happy.", "That's just a really", "sucky way to feel about your\nbest friend's fianc\u00e9e.", "So I'm going to\ncome to the wedding, and...", "you know, I'll have a\ngood time, but after that, I...", "What?", "I know where the locket is.", "What?\n- I know where the locket is.", "It was a few years ago,", "right before you were supposed\nto marry Stella.", "I went down to the bar one night\nand what should I see?", "Lily!", "Hey, girl.", "I got a question for you.", "Why isn't Ted marrying me?", "I'm sorry. Oh, God.", "I'm sorry. I just...", "I should be happy for him,", "and yet here I am,", "moving off to Japan\njust to get away from him.", "And I guess to see those...", "those terra-cotta\nwarriors and the Great Wall.", "Well, that's China.", "What? This? No,\nit's just a paper plate.", "We should get out of here.", "Come on. Come on.\n- Oh, totally.", "I know just where we should go.", "Man, you're fast when you're drunk.", "But at least you're\nstill making good decisions.", "Central Park, around\nmidnight, digging a hole with a spoon.", "Solid.\n- Jackpot.", "What is that?", "My something old.", "This locket was my grandma's.", "She kept it hidden in her\nbutt all through World War II.", "What? Where was she?", "Winnipeg.", "Oh, come on.", "Lily, it's a joke.", "Yeah, I was going to\nwear this when I married Ted.", "I guess that's not going to happen.", "So I am taking it with me to Japan.", "Okay, Lily, help me\nput this locket in my butt.", "Okay. You know what?", "Why don't we put it in\nthis pencil box instead?", "Oh, and then I will take\nthe pencil box with me to Japan.", "Okay. Hey, Lily?", "Help me put this pencil box in my butt.", "Wait!", "There's one other thing I have to do.", "Lily, it's very important.", "It's something that needs to happen", "right now.\n- Yeah?", "Then she barfed in my\nface. It was a lovely night.", "Wait. You put the locket in\nthe race car pencil box?", "Yep. And then Robin took it to Japan.", "No, she didn't.", "It's sitting on my\ndesk at home right now.", "It's been with me all along.", "Ted.", "The locket is in the pencil box.", "This is awesome.\n- Ted.", "No, I just... I just mean,", "this is going to be the\nbest wedding gift ever.", "It's going to blow her mind.", "Ted.", "Be careful.", "# Well, this is just a simple song #", "# To say what you've done", "# I told you about all those fears #", "# And away they did run", "# You sure must be strong", "# And you feel like an ocean", "# Being warmed by the sun...", "Come on, we got to go.\n- Wait. What am I forgetting?", "Nothing. You're not forgetting\nanything. Let's go.", "Oh, wait, I'm forgetting something.\n- What?", "# I swear that I dreamt", "Let's go get married.\n- Yeah.", "# Your face on a football\nfield and a kiss... #", "Bottle for Marvin during takeoff.", "Got it, baby.\n- And hey, just think,", "one week from right now...", "We'll be in Italy.\n- We'll be in Italy.", "Okay... I got to go, baby. I love you.", "You still haven't told her.", "No.", "This is\nface-to-face news.", "Good luck with that...", "Your Honor.", "# Don't go thinking you gotta be tough #", "# To bleed like a stone", "Hello.", "# Could be there's nothing else... #", "You want me to grab your bag?\n- Yeah. Thanks.", "Hey, I don't want to draw\nfocus from the wedding, so...", "don't tell anyone about Chicago.", "It's a major city with a bunch of\nsports teams and some pretty good pizza.", "I think people know about Chicago.", "What time do you leave on Monday?", "Early.", "Gonna have to head back\nto the city Sunday night.", "How are you going to get back?", "Guess I'll take the train.", "# Remember walking a\nmile to your house #", "# A glow in the dark", "# I made a fumbling\nplay for your heart #", "# And the act struck a spark", "# You wore a charm on the chain #", "# That I stole especial for you #", "# Love's such a delicate\nthing that we do #", "# With nothing to prove", "# Which I never knew.", "Hi. One ticket to Farhampton, please."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E01 The Locket": ["Narrator:\nKids, barney and robin's\nwedding turned out", "To be a life-changing weekend\nfor all of us.", "Well, not just us.", "One ticket to farhampton,\nplease.", "Narrator:\nBut I'll get to that.", "(horn honks)", "Who are you honking at?\nYou.", "You're going 40 in a 65.", "Pick it up, grandma!", "Look, I'm happy to rock it up\ninto the 50s,", "But I'm gonna need a hand...\nOr two.", "Oh, no. Not the driving gloves.", "In 99.9% of highway accidents,", "The driver was not\nwearing gloves.", "Because they're stupid.", "They don't help you\ndrive better.", "That's why no one wears them.", "Then why is it called...\nThe glove compartment?", "I am not\nhaving this argument again.", "Now, as you know, a mosby\nroad trip is not only safe,", "But informative.", "Chiggedy-check it.", "Manhattan to farhampton:", "Lil' and ted's\nexcellent adventure?", "That baby's stuffed to the rings\nwith fun facts", "About our unsung neighbor\nto the east-- long island.", "For instance, just up\nahead, the historic", "Childhood home of\nflorian van otterloop,", "The dutch bucklesmith", "Who revolutionized\nthe belt industry.", "Uh, fun story\nabout that color-blind genius.", "When he...\nPlease stop!", "Well, I was just gonna\nslow down for pictures,", "But that level of enthusiasm\ncan't go unrewarded.", "(phone chimes)\nhmm.", "Oh, look at my\nlittle cousins", "In their flower\ngirl dresses.", "Aw, they'll look so cute\nnext to the ring bear.", "Yeah.", "Wait, you said\nring bear-er, right?", "Ring bear.", "Ring bear-er.", "Ring bear.", "Are you planning\nsome crazy stunt", "With a dangerous wild animal\nat our wedding?", "(phone chirps)\nbecause...", "Oh, oh, sorry,\nsorry, sorry, sorry.", "Oh, boy.", "My brother wants to know", "What time he \"goes on\"\nat the reception.", "What does that mean?", "Every wedding he attends,\njames insists on... Performing.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa islands in the stream", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa that is what we are", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa no one in between...", "So? What do you got\nagainst k-rodge?", "Everybody loves\nthe gambler.", "Wait for it.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa how can we be wrong?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa sail away with me\nto another world \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa and we rely\non each other, uh-huh! \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "That is nothing.", "I have invited scherbatskys\nfrom all over canada,", "And they are canuckin' nuts.", "Like my cousin ruth\nfrom the yukon.", "I don't like to encourage\ncanadian stereotypes,", "But that woman\npractically rides a moose.", "(laughs)", "Does she actually ride a moose?", "Yeah.", "And, uh,", "I'm worried she'll bring it\nto the wedding.", "She and the moose are...\nVery close.", "Whoa.", "Every wedding's got a wild card,\nbut we've invited a whole set.", "(accordion playing\n\"wedding March\")", "Someone is gonna\nruin this wedding.", "It's just a question\nof... Who.", "I'm gonna ruin this wedding!", "My wife is\ngonna kill me!", "Pilot: Flight attendants\nprepare for departure.", "We were gonna move to\nItaly for her dream job,", "So I brought my son\nhere to minnesota", "To see my mom\nbefore we left.", "And then I got offered\na job as a judge", "In new york city,\nwhich is my dream.", "But that'll totally\ndestroy her dream!", "You are destroying\na lot of dreams right now.", "(phone chimes)", "(chuckles)", "Wait.", "If I got this...", "(phone chimes)", "(sighs)", "Aren't you gonna\ncheck that?", "No.", "It-it's just another\nobnoxious update", "From marshall's mom.", "She's been posting", "These \"cute\" baby pics\nof marvin,", "But it's all just propaganda.", "First, it was\n\"don't move to Italy.\"", "Followed by an extremely subtle\nguilt trip.", "And then, randomly preachy.", "Nah, not looking.", "It's just gonna piss me off.", "Why are we exiting again?", "Well, if you turn in your binder", "To the section labeled\n\"mennonite windmills...\"", "Get back on the expressway now.", "(scoffs)", "The expressway's\nfor gloveless amateurs.", "I'm done.", "There's a train station\ncoming up; just drop me off.", "Okay, but some newfangled\ntrain's not gonna stop", "At the 40-foot-tall\nbutter churn in ronkonkoma!", "Yes, but unlike any of\nyour 18th-century stops,", "At least the train will have\na 21st-century toilet!", "You're a 21st-century toilet!", "(gasps)", "Train now!", "Fine!", "Okay, so far,\nI've got 12 wild cards,", "Not counting the ring bear.", "Ring bear-er.", "Oh, oh, here's another one.", "You know how I found out\nthat I'm one-quarter canadian", "But I've completely\nblocked that out", "Because your nation's ridiculous\nand I'm awesome?", "Sure.", "Well, turns out,\nI have a crazy cousin mitch", "On that side of the family.", "That's funny.", "I have a crazy\ncousin mitch, too.", "But I guarantee\nhe is crazier than yours.", "He built his own house\nfrom timber he chopped down", "From other people's houses.", "That's funny.", "My cousin mitch\nis a lumberjack.", "Except mine has six fingers.", "On one hand or total?", "Total.", "Are truckers always\nbeating him up?", "Yes, because he has to...", "Both: ...Hitchhike\nwith his middle finger.", "Wait.", "Is it possible that we're...", "Could... C-could...\nCould we be...?", "Shh...", "Ranjit, could you be a dear\nand pull over for a second?", "Pulling over!", "(both chuckle weakly)", "(both retching)", "All right, train.", "Let's show your critics you're\nnot just a dumpster on wheels", "Full of drunk idiots.", "Conductor:\nWe're being held at this station", "Until further notice.", "I got to sober up.", "(phone ringing)", "Eriksen residence,\njudy speaking.", "Why did you post\nthat judge photo?", "Because I'm guilty...", "Of being one proud mama!", "Lily doesn't know\nthat I took the job,", "So if she sees it,\nI'm dead.", "Just take it down, okay?", "Fine.", "Let me just get on the online", "So I can internet.", "I love the lingo!", "(modem screeching)", "Look, mom,\njust-just...", "Click on the photo\non your wall,", "And then under \"menu,\"\nclick on \"options.\"", "Some kind of advertisement\npopped on.", "Oh, my.", "That appears to be pornography.", "Just click\non \"options.\"", "(whispering):\nIt's men with other men.", "(whispering loudly):\nJust click on \"options\"!", "Excuse me!", "Are there any other seats\nleft on this plane?", "No.", "Hell, I've been\ngoing to pilates.", "I can just hang on\nto the landing gear like this.", "Sorry, ma'am.", "I only signed up for pilates,", "I haven't actually\nstarted going yet.", "I didn't sign up.", "Lily:\nNo, I'm not looking.", "I don't need to see\nmy child used against me.", "My sweet, beautiful child\nwho I haven't seen in a week...", "Whose head smells like love\nand unicorn teardrops,", "And why are trains\nso lonely?!", "Damn it, I'm looking!", "Woman:\nHey, are you okay?", "You look stressed.", "Plus, you muttered", "A few words out loud.", "I heard \"lonely\" and \"unicorn,\"", "Which actually gave me\na great idea", "For a children's book,\nso thank you.", "Are you okay?", "No.", "But there's nothing you can do.", "Do you want a cookie?", "(crying):\nYes.", "Yes, I do.", "Wow.", "You just took a cookie", "From a complete stranger\non a train.", "I like how trusting you are.", "There could be drugs\nor poison in there.", "But there's not, is there?", "No idea,\nI found them under my seat.", "No!", "Kidding! Sorry!", "You looked stressed, so I\nthought you could use a cookie,", "Then I thought\nyou could use a joke.", "I should have stopped\nat the cookie.", "You know what?", "I don't care\nif these are poisoned.", "There's chocolate\nand peanut butter", "And caramel in these sumbitches.", "I call them \"sumbitches\"!", "(laughing)", "Narrator:\nAnd that's how lily", "Met your mother.", "Are cousin mitch and I\ndirectly related?", "No, mom, I'm asking", "Is cousin mitch\na blood relative?", "I'm not asking\nabout cousin pete,", "I'm asking about cousin robin!", "Mitch!", "Cousin mitch!", "Well, just find out\nfrom uncle frank", "And call me back!", "Well, then, go\nvisit cousin cecil", "At his sky-diving school\nand ask him!", "Oh, god, he did?", "Well, I guess that can happen", "No matter\nhow experienced you are.", "I'm so sorry.", "(exhales)", "My cousin cecil...", "Got fired.", "(sighs):\nOh.", "That's a relief.", "He was so distraught, he jumped\noff a bridge; he's dead.", "Um... I'm so sorry\nfor your loss.", "It may be our loss.", "(both shudder)", "Just click\non \"options\"!", "All I see is a man\nholding a bratwurst!", "Oh.", "No, the pornography's back.", "I said, please turn off\nall electronic devices.", "Oh. (laughs)", "This isn't an\nelectronic device.", "This is actually a toy.", "For my son.", "We call it phone-y.\n(scoffs)", "I call you phony.", "We can't take off\ntill you hang up.", "Okay, enough.\nGive me that phone!", "Just click\non \"options.\"", "I don't see it!", "I said,\ngive me the phone!", "Just click\non \"options\"!", "Stop yelling at me!", "Just click\non \"options.\"", "Give me the phone.", "Click on \"options\"!", "Click on...\nI have a baby!", "Please, I-I have to get\nto new york.", "Yeah, well, you should\nhave thought about that", "Before you attacked me.", "All right, boys,\nyou got this?", "Good.", "Let's get this bird\nin the air.\nAh, you're both", "Banned from this flight.", "So I was driving with my\nfriend, who thinks he's", "\"the road trip master.\"", "He has leather driving gloves.", "Who wears those?", "Huge dorks, that's who.", "Narrator:\nYour mother was lying.", "She had her own pair.", "And he always makes us stop", "To see some weird\nroadside attraction", "No one except him\ngives a crap about.", "Nerd alert.", "Narrator:\nKids, you remember\nthe seven-hour detour", "On our road trip\nto disney world", "So your mother didn't miss\nthat goat in south carolina", "Who could blow smoke rings.", "And he won't go one mile an hour\nover the speed limit.", "That would drive me crazy.", "I would give him\na humiliating nickname", "Until he stopped driving\nlike a little girl.", "Narrator:\nIt was \"lady tedwina slowsby.\"", "And it worked.", "Okay, look, if it's\ntrue, if we are...", "(gags softly)", "You know.", "It's really not that big a deal.", "Okay, we-we know\nwe won't have kids.", "And even if we did,", "King joffrey's parents\nwere brother and sister,", "And he was\na fair and wise leader.", "Yeah. Look, no one\never needs to know but us.", "Exactly.", "(both chuckle)", "I know.", "Barney:\nWe might have to...", "Robin:\nTake care of ranjit.", "Hey, you just finished my...", "Creepy telepathic\nmurder thought.", "Oh, it must be\na soul mate thing.", "Unless...", "It's a weird cousin thing.", "(gags softly)", "So we'll be good\neither way, right?", "Honey?", "That's right... Sweetie.", "Now, get over here, you.", "Gah, just try\nand stop me.", "Aw.\nOoh, ooh.", "Ooh, mmm, mmm, mmm.", "Well, I can't wait\ntill tonight.", "I have got some", "Naughty-naughty-naughty\nthings planned.", "Aw.", "Oh, wow, you have certainly\npiqued my incest.", "Interest. Interest!", "I still can't believe he dragged\nme to the childhood home", "Of some stupid bucklesmith\nno one's ever even heard of.", "Yeah, who cares\nabout florian van otterloop?", "I never told you his name.", "Sumbitch?", "I mean, why'd he have to\nact that way?", "He knows I hate\nhow he gets on road trips.", "It almost seems like\nhe wanted you to storm off.", "But we're going\nto the same place.", "There's no reason\nwhy he'd want to ditch me.", "Narrator:\nAnd suddenly lily remembered\nthat a week ago,", "I'd helped robin look\nfor her long-lost locket.", "But it was gone.", "Then lily told me\nthe locket actually got stashed", "In my pencil box,\nbut when I opened it...", "The locket wasn't there.", "Good.", "'cause that locket's trouble.", "How? It's-it's just a friendly,", "Innocent wedding gift.", "It's not innocent.", "Ted, you think", "If you can get that locket\nfor robin you'll win her back.", "Lily, I've let it go.", "I mean...\nWhat?", "There's, like,\na one percent chance", "That stella has the locket\nfrom when we lived together.", "Promise me you didn't call\nthe woman who left you", "At the altar so that\nyou could find that locket.", "Of course not.", "I e-mailed her.", "Ted.", "But stella's living\nin l.A. Now.", "And even if she has it,", "It's buried\nin some storage unit.", "She said I'd have\nto fly out there", "And look for it myself.", "Promise me you aren't\nabout to do that.", "I promise.", "Sumbitch!", "You better hope when sweaty\nfinally gets off that phone,", "He can get me on the next flight\nto new york.", "I got the password\nfrom my mom.", "I'm gonna take that\nphoto down myself.", "You know, I don't give\na damn about your photo.", "My daughter is giving\na big speech for the model u.N.", "At her school, and I'm\ngonna miss it because of you.", "(sighs)", "Her father and I are separated.", "She lives with her dad.", "And if I don't make it...", "She's never gonna\ntrust me again.", "I'm so sorry.", "Wow, that worked on you?", "Let's hope pit stains is\nas dumb as you are.", "What? Why is this\nso hard for my mom?", "All you do", "Is you click the photo,", "And then you click on the...", "I don't see...\nI don't see \"options.\"", "Just click on \"options.\"", "But where is it?", "Just click on \"options.\"", "Is it up on the toolbar?", "Just click on \"options.\"\nit's not there!", "Just click on \"options\"!", "(phone ringing)", "Hi, grandma.", "You-you can explain how\ncousin mitch is related to us?", "Explain, grandma, explain!", "Okay, he married\nbarney's dad's cousin renee,", "Who he met selling vachon cakes", "Outside a curling bonspiel\nin chicoutimi.", "English, grandma, english!", "And on our side of the family,\nhe was adopted", "Because his real parents\nwere eaten alive", "By their sled dogs?", "That's awesome!\nThanks, grandma.", "(both sigh)", "So...", "So you and I share\nno dna whatsoever.", "Let's change that.", "(both moaning)", "Ranjit:\nDon't hold back.", "This divider is\ntotally soundproof.", "Go all the way.", "Wait till the hotel?", "Totally.", "Hey, you know what?", "I'm not worried about a wild\ncard at our wedding anymore.", "Whether it's uncle vic\nor aunt shelly", "Or the ring bear.", "Ring bear-er. Er.", "Whether any\nof those mammals go rogue,", "Our wedding is\ngonna be legendary.", "No \"wait for it\"?", "I've got you.", "I don't have to\nwait for it anymore.", "(phone ringing)", "(line ringing)", "It's a long story,", "But if we don't beat my friend\nout to that wedding,", "It's gonna be bad.", "This is too stressful.\nI-I need to see marvin!", "No! You made me promise\nnot to let you look,", "Because it's\nonly gonna upset you.", "Here, have another sum... Bitch.", "No more sumbitches?!", "Give me the damn phone!", "(both scream)", "(clamoring)\njust go to \"edit\"\non the toolbar!", "No, \"account settings\"!", "Just click\non \"options.\"", "Stop!", "It can't be done.", "That photo is etched\nin eternity.", "Long after humanity's\nreign has ended,", "The only traces\nof our civilization found", "By earth's new ape masters\nwill be", "The top\nof the statue of liberty", "And this photo of me\npretending to be", "A judge with a banana gavel.", "Well, they'll probably like\nthe banana thing.", "The ape masters?", "Sorry.\nLily's gonna see it,", "And we're gonna have\nthe biggest fight of our lives.", "(chuckles) oh, I wish I could\nsee your wife kick your ass.", "I don't mean a physical fight.", "She's not an animal.", "I'm sorry I tried\nto bite you.", "I'm sorry that I swatted you\non the nose", "With a rolled-up magazine.", "It's the only way I'll learn.", "Look, I haven't seen\nmy baby in a week.", "You know what?", "Go for it.", "It's gone!", "It's gone!\n(all cheering)", "You did it!", "You did it! (laughs)", "No new insulting marvin photo.", "Hmm.", "(voice breaks):\nNo new insulting marvin photo.", "I know I'm just a stranger\non a train", "Who you tried to bite, but...\nDo you want a hug?", "(lily yells)", "Lily! What the hell?!", "Ted and I had some\nroad trip issues.", "Did he put on the gloves?\nMm-hmm.", "That tackle was justified.", "What's this?\nIt's for you.", "Don't open it.", "Ted: With all\nthe big changes coming up,", "I just wanted robin\nto remember her friends.", "We all want nothing but\nhappiness for you and barney.", "Right, lily?", "Right.", "Oh, wow.", "That was, what, eight years ago?", "Yeah.", "Eight years.", "Thanks, ted.", "I'm gonna...\nI'm gonna get checked in.", "Marshall's flight just took off.", "My boys will be here soon.", "Oh, yay.", "Narrator:\nActually, lily's boys were\njust learning there was", "Only one more flight out\nto new york with one seat left,", "And it was all the way\nacross the airport.", "You're not gonna\ntackle me again, are you?", "I'm the maid of honor.", "There's a good chance\nthat won't be", "My only tackle of the weekend.", "Narrator:\nIt wasn't.", "Look, I'm sorry.", "I just got it in my head\nthat you somehow managed", "To track down that locket\nin los angeles,", "And now you were gonna\nblow up the wedding.", "You really think I'm that crazy?", "(sighs)\nI guess that's fair.", "Look, even though I was wrong,\ntell me you aren't thinking", "About doing anything\ninsane this weekend.", "Of course not.", "Narrator:\nAnd all I can say, kids,", "Is at that moment,\nI really thought I meant it.", "But the truth is...\nYou never know", "Who's gonna be the wild card\nat a wedding.", "Hi. One ticket\nto los angeles, please.", ""], "How I Met Your Mother S09E02 Coming Back": ["Narrator: That afternoon\nat the farhampton inn,", "Aunt lily and I\ntried to check in.", "Are you chewing gum?", "You never chew gum.", "You shouldn't chew gum\nin here.", "Nobody cares if\nI chew gum, ted.", "Are you chewing gum?", "Yes, she is.\nShe's chewing gum.", "Ooh, can I have a piece?", "Of course!\nGreat.", "Thank you.", "Okay, let's chew some gum", "And get you guys\nall checked in.", "Ms. Aldrin, how many\nkeys will you need?", "Two, please.", "My husband's\ngetting in later.", "Excellent, and mr. Mosby?", "Uh, just one, please.", "Oh, oh, I-I see.", "Oh.", "Well, hang in there.", "You'll find somebody.", "Thank you,\nfront desk stranger.", "I'm sorry, we just... We just\ndon't get a lot of singles here.", "I mean,\nlook at this place.", "It's so romantic.", "Countless babies conceived\nwithin these walls.", "And one... Grisly murder.", "Now, are you sure\nthat you wouldn't", "Feel more comfortable\nstaying at a motel?", "What? No, look.", "I'm not some miserable,\nlonely person.", "Tell him, lily.", "It's a tough\nweekend for him.", "Bro.", "We're here\nfor a wedding.\nOuch.", "And he used to\ndate the bride.\nOoh, mama.", "And he's the best man.\nDevastating.", "Could you please\njust check us in?", "Oh, your rooms aren't\ngonna be ready for hours.", "But in the meantime,", "Ms. Aldrin, I definitely think", "You and your husband should\ncheck out the lighthouse.", "It's a beautiful view\nof the bay-- so romantic.", "Oh, wow.", "Here's the channel guide", "For the tv.", "Don't listen\nto him, ted.", "(phone ringing)\nyou are not alone.", "In fact, this\nwhole weekend,", "It is going to be\nnothing but me and...", "Marshall!", "Oh, thank god,\nyou're on your way.", "If I had to be here alone,\nI would kill myself.", "Marshall missed\nhis flight.", "He might not get\nhere tonight.", "He might not\nget here at all.", "We...", "Only have a few\nof these left.", "Hi...", "Linus.", "Here's how this goes down.", "If I'm going to make it through\nthis weekend without my husband,", "I need you to hook a lady up.", "Any time you see me\nwithout a drink in my hand,", "You put a drink in my hand.", "Are you my guy, linus?", "So you want the kennedy package?", "Bingo.", "(phone rings)\ngo for barney.", "Ah.", "Thank you linus.", "Barney,\nbefore you get too upset,", "There's another flight\nthat leaves in five minutes.", "You're getting on it.\nI'm gonna try.", "There is no try!", "You're getting on that plane.", "Hey, growth spurt.", "If there is only one seat\nleft on this plane,", "I will fight you for it.", "And I'm a biter.", "Marshall, whoever that is,\ngrab her carry-on", "And throw it\ninto a restricted area.", "I'm serious. Do it.\nDo it now.", "What? No.", "Barney, are you...?", "No, I'm not gonna...", "That's... No.", "There is no\n\"what, no, barney, are you,", "No I'm not gonna, that's no!\"", "This is a holiday weekend.", "You're not gonna get\nto new york by being nice.", "So you're gonna have\nto lose the whole midwestern", "Aw-shucksy-doodles thing...", "Shucksy doodles?", "...And act like a new yorker.", "A pushy, obnoxious,\nknock-the-other-guy-down-", "And-take-his-hot-dog resident\nof the greatest city on earth!", "No can do, barney.", "I'm from minnesota,", "Where there's plenty of hot dogs\nfor everyone.", "Perhaps even too many.", "But listen,", "I'm gonna get to new york", "Without being a jerk.", "Just get to new york!", "I'll get to new york!", "Nobody's getting to new york.", "Not this weekend anyway.", "There's a big storm\nrolling up the east coast.", "All the airports\nare closing.", "My advice is\nrent a car and drive.", "But you better hurry.", "They're gonna\nrun out of cars soon.", "(groans)", "Okay, listen.", "If we're both\ngoing to new york,", "Why don't we rent a car,\nsplit the drive?", "That seems like\na reasonable plan.", "Can I help you with\nthat diaper bag?", "Sure. Thank you.\nOh, it's...", "Have a nice bus ride,\npumpkin head!", "(panting)", "Hey, lady.", "Yeah, you just threw away\nyour ticket", "To a really great road trip.", "I'm sorry, I can't hear you.", "You're all the way back there,", "And I'm all the way\nup here.", "(laughing)\noh, you can hear me.", "Get ready to be driving\nthe jealous-mobile", "Because our car is\ngonna have games,", "Snacks, a james patterson\naudio book", "My mother describes as\n\"cluttering her glove box.\"", "Your car? I'll be in pittsburgh\nbefore you get your car.", "We'll see about that.", "And if you're going to new york,\nyou're not gonna want", "To go through pittsburgh.", "94 backs up around allentown,", "So you're gonna want\nto stick on 80.", "Jerk face!", "Come on, universe.", "I'm a nice guy.", "Send me a miracle.", "Narrator:\nAnd then the universe sent\nyour uncle marshall...", "Herm.", "Okay, people, let's move\nit along. What do you want?", "You want a car? You got a car.\nBeat it.", "What kind of car\ndo you want?", "Too slow, you get a minivan.", "Next. Ah, midsize sedan.", "Incoming. Next.", "Yes!\nYou want a gas option?", "Nobody wants a gas option.\nGet out of here.", "Next.", "Hello. I need a car.", "You've got it.\nThat's all of them.", "We're all out of cars,\neverybody.", "Wait, no!", "You let this guy beat you?", "Ma'am, it's not a race.", "That right there\nis why you lost.", "Maybe this is your fault.", "Did you ever think of that?", "Maybe if you\nhad just been", "A little bit nicer,\nthen you would be", "The one driving this lovely...", "What kind of car is it?", "Narrator:\nNow, kids, I don't remember\nthe actual name of this car,", "But to an environmentalist\nlike marshall,", "This car was a monstrosity.", "2006 monstrosity.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa monstrosity", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa 'cause global warming's\nnot real. \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Oh, no, not a monstrosity.", "I'll take it.\nI can't drive that.", "I can. Give me the monstrosity.", "Do you have anything else?\nI'll take the monstrosity.", "There's nothing else.\nGive me the keys, old man!", "It's just so freaking huge!", "Well, actually it's\na monstrosity sport,", "So it's a little smaller.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa monstrosity sport", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa it's still freaking huge.", "Fine. I'll take it.", "But I'm also gonna need\na baby seat.", "We're all out of baby seats.\nGet out of here.", "Oh, my god--\nwhat am I gonna do?", "I don't care.", "(groans)", "Can I make a suggestion?", "I rent the car,", "Then I go buy the car seat,\ncome back here,", "Pick you guys up,\nand then the three of us", "Drive to new york together.", "(laughs quietly)", "Let me get this straight.", "So, you're gonna\nrent the car,", "Go and get a baby seat\nfor my son,", "And then drive all the way\nback here to pick me up.", "That's right.", "Well, then you're\ngonna need some cash. Here.", "Hundred bucks ought to cover it.", "So, we'll see\nyou soon.", "You got it, michael!\nMarshall.", "Doesn't matter now, does it?", "Remember this day, marvin.", "Not only is this the day\nthat we either saw prince", "Or a... A really flamboyantly\ndressed greyhound,", "It's also the day that your dad\nchose not to be a jerk...", "And put his trust in humanity.", "Just watch where it gets us.", "Shucksy-doodles!", "Narrator: Uncle marshall\nwas just about ready", "To abandon\nhis faith in humanity.", "But let's back up a little bit.", "And now the true tale\nof the stinson curse.", "Barney:\nMoscow, 1807.", "(russian accent):\nWhat a wonderful night\nat the opera.", "Wouldn't you agree,\ncomrade barnovski?", "(russian accent):\nI would indeed,\ncomrade jamesokoff.", "But you know what made it\ntruly wonderful?", "Being here with my wife...", "The beet in my borscht,\nthe fur on my hat,", "The only person I've ever\nbeen attracted to, ever.", "I feel the same way\nabout kyle...", "My plutonic friend\nfrom work.", "(clattering)", "Is it just me, or did that feel\nlike we hit an old gypsy woman?", "Yep. Old gypsy woman.", "Good call, barnovski.\nOh, well, she's just a peasant.", "Home, smirnoff.", "Wait, she's\nsaying somethink!", "(low, deep moan)", "Hornier.", "Hornier.", "Hornier?", "Sonobovich!", "Did she just put a curse on us?", "Eh, nonsense, brother.", "Okay, let's go, smirnoff.", "Smirnoff?", "Homina, hominovich. Mmm,", "Smirnoff, I would climb you\nlike the kremlin wall.", "What's happening to me?", "Don't you see?\nYou're getting hornier, brother,", "Just like\nthe old gypsy woman said!", "Oh, hello there.", "(chuckles) ever had\na white russian?", "Barney:\nFor the next 200 years,", "Every male member\nof the stinson family", "Was afflicted\nby the gypsy's curse,", "An unquenchable thirst\nfor booty", "That no committed relationship\ncould ever satisfy.", "That is, until my brother james", "Met his husband tom.", "The day they got married,\nthey lifted the curse forever,", "Freeing me from the shackles", "Of having sex\nwith lots of different women.", "Although, sometimes", "Robin and I still use\nthe shackles.", "Bondage five!", "Whoa.\nI can't, I can't,", "I can't.", "(phone rings)\ngo for barney!", "Ah.", "Thank you, linus.", "This is worse\nthan I thought.", "I know.\nShowtime, no hbo?", "James:\nNo.", "Tom and I are getting divorced.", "What?\nTed:\nWhat?", "That's why you look\nextra handsome.", "I do get extra hot\nwhen I'm single.", "Your skin looks amazing.", "Looks amazing.\nI know.", "So... So what happened?\nWhy-why'd you guys break up?", "Well, the thing to remember", "Is that when something\nlike this happens,", "It's nobody's fault.", "You cheated on him.\nRepeatedly.", "I thought about\nkeeping it quiet,", "But then I realized,\nwouldn't my family want me", "To be honest with them\nabout news this big?", "Oh, can I just say five things?", "What is the matter with--\nsorry, six-- you?!", "Ooh! What?!", "I'm-I'm sorry\nabout you and tom,", "But you can't just drop\na bombshell like this", "So close to\nsomeone's wedding.", "You broke the curse.\nYou and tom", "Are the only couple", "That makes barney\nbelieve in marriage.", "(chuckles) really?\nThe only couple?", "I mean, no one else\ncomes to mind?", "Been together 17 years?", "She's a spunky redhead,\nhe's got calves", "That launched a thousand\nlady boners?", "Barney:\nHey, sorry about that.", "Hey, did you guys know", "That Sunday is james' and tom's\nanniversary?", "How cool is that?", "We're anniversary bros!", "Every year, we should go out\nand celebrate...", "Just the two of us.", "Listen, bro, you...", "I know, I know, \"please, barney,", "You don't have to get us\nan anniversary gift this year.\"", "You get them an\nanniversary gift?", "Why shouldn't I?\nThey're the one couple", "That makes me believe marriage\nis possible.", "I mean, I'm sitting right here.", "Thank you, linus.", "James:\nBarney, the thing is...", "Cover your ears and hum \"the\nbattle hymn of the republic.\"", "Why?", "It's for the bride.", "Oh, it's for... (humming)", "Okay, listen, james,", "My cousin vince\nis a mountie.", "His girlfriend is back home,\nbut he gets gay at weddings.", "He's yours.\nI am giving you vince.", "Just please,\ndon't tell barney.", "If he finds out\nthat the only", "Successful marriage\nin his life is over...", "I hate everyone\nat this table.", "...It'll spook him.", "I don't want him\ngetting spooked.", "Robin, have some faith.", "Do you really think what you\nand barney have is that fragile?", "I don't want to find out.", "Fine.", "Thanks, baby.", "No sweat.\nMmm...", "So, james, seriously,\nwhere's tom?", "He can't make the wedding.", "He had his wisdom teeth out.", "Ugh! On top of a divorce?", "That is rough.", "Uh-oh.", "What is she talking about?", "Tom and I are getting a divorce.", "Excuse me.", "Vince... Off the table.", "What was that?\nI don't know.\nIt just came out.", "That's it.\nIt's barely even noon.", "You're cut off.", "Thank you, linus.", "Thank you, linus.", "Thank you, linus.", "Thank you, linus.", "Thank you, linus.", "Okay, but after that one,\nyou're cut off!", "No! No, you are not doing this.\nStep away from the desk.", "What are you talking about?", "You just found out\nabout james and tom,", "And it totally freaked you out,\nand now you're asking this guy", "To point you in the direction", "Of the nearest,\ndirtiest strip club.", "Oh, well,\nthat-that's a tough one.", "Uh, the nearest one\nthat's-that's kind of dirty", "Is the sand box,", "But the, uh...\nThe dirtiest one that's nearby", "Is the crab shed.", "Dude.", "Sorry. Uh, but hey,\nif-if you do go,", "Maybe you could take ted.", "I'm really worried\nabout that kid.", "No, robin, I am not\ngoing to a strip club.", "Especially right now.", "Could you imagine\nthe day shift at the crab shed?", "Robin...", "I came to the desk to get this.", "Is that the key to our room?", "It's the key to james's room.", "Oh, my.", "What is that?", "It's an erotic cake.", "I wanted to surprise them\nfor their anniversary.", "Is that... Is that\njames and tom?", "Mmm, caramel marzipan,\nchocolate marzipan.", "I love chocolate\nmarzipan.", "So does tom.\nUsed to anyway.", "This is, uh, absolutely the,\nuh... The weirdest thing", "Anyone has ever done\nfor their sibling.", "I love you so much.", "You thought I was\ngonna freak out.", "Well, I mean, a gypsy\ncursed your family", "To become hornier and do\nawesome guitar solos.", "Can you blame me?", "Look, am I bummed about james\nand tom getting a divorce?", "Obviously.\nBut I don't need them", "To make me believe\nin true love anymore.", "I've got you for that now.", "Mmm.", "Oh, man, now I gotta figure out\nwhat to do with all this stuff.", "Well, before we do that...", "Um, would it be all\nright if I nibbled", "On your brother's\nding dong?", "How about we nibble", "On my brother's\nding dong together?", "I'd like that.", "Narrator:\nSo, they cleaned all that stuff\nout of there", "And had a talk with james.", "And barney didn't freak out,\nbecause here's the thing, kids.", "When you believe in people,\npeople come through.", "Just so we're clear,\nI pick the music.", "Of course.", "Say it.", "Say, \"daphne picks the music.\"", "Daphne picks the music.", "And you pay for gas.", "Are you kidding?\nDo you have any idea", "How much gas this thing takes?", "(engine revs)\nno, no, okay!", "Okay, I pay for gas.", "Good. Now, get in.", "It's a long ride to phoenix.", "Say what?", "(laughs)\nI'm just kidding.", "Oh, this is gonna be fun.", "This must be the singles table.", "(chuckles)\nguess it is.", "Well, it's kind of nice\nto be asking this question", "Instead of answering it\nfor a change:", "How are you doing?", "I don't know.", "I'm trying to be happy\nfor my brother,", "But, uh... I guess a person", "Has a different\nperspective on weddings", "When he knows what's down there\nat the end of the aisle.", "It's not all\nchampagne and frosting.", "Mr. Stinson, your room is ready.", "And, ted...", "She's right around the corner.", "Thank you, curtis.", "I feel it, too.", "No, no, no, the-the housekeeper.", "She's in the room that's right\naround the corner from yours.", "Oh.\nSo another hour, tops.", "Sure.", "Okay, see you later, ted.", "You're not\ngiving up, james.", "And neither am I.", "(footsteps approach)", "Ted:\nHey, beautiful.", "Hi.", "God, you look great.", "What? Come on.", "You do!", "I've been in a car all morning.", "I just ate a croissant crumb\nthat I found in my bra.", "I'm disgusting.", "Yeah, I saw you do that.\nAnd it was super hot. Come here.", "(chuckles)\nyou come here.\nCome here.", "No, you come here.\nCome here.", "Hey, you want to hear\nsomething funny?", "Mm-hmm.", "One year ago today,\nalmost to the minute,", "I was sitting\nat this very table", "Right in that seat.", "Oh, yeah. I can see it.", "Nursing your gin and tonic\nwith three extra limes,", "Doing the crossword,", "Probably being\nall showboat-y about it.", "I wasn't being\nshowboat-y about it.", "\"vesuvius.\"\nboo-yah!", "Oh, wait, that doesn't fit.", "The point is,\none year ago today,", "I made a promise to myself\nright at this table.", "The mother:\nWhat was the promise?", "Both teds:\nI'm coming back,\nand I'm bringing you.", "Wait a second.\nHold it.", "One year ago today,\nyou hadn't even met me.", "I know, but I knew I would.", "And now it's a year later.", "And here I am.", "Here you are.", "Love in your eyes,", "Baked goods\nin your undergarments.", "Yeah.", "You picked a real winner, mosby.", "I did.", "Okay, seriously, what the crap", "Is taking so long\nwith these rooms?", "It was like this\nlast year.", "I'll be right back.", "I'll be right here.", "Sorry that took so long.", "Please...", "Try to enjoy your stay.", "I will.", "Try to.", "I will enjoy my stay.", "Try.", "Not gonna try.", "Just... Just gonna do it.", "Good for you.", "Not good for me.", "No, just-just neutral for me.", "Attaboy.\nNo, at not a boy.", "It gets better.", "I am fine, curtis. Okay?", "I enjoy and appreciate\nthe happiness of other people", "Whether I am in a relationship\nor not. Okay? Curtis?", "So just-just...", "Just go ahead\nand give me my one key", "Because I am fine.", "Oh, come on!\nI need another drink."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E03 Last Time in New York": ["Robin:\nSo, the hairdresser shows up", "At 2:00 on Sunday.", "Great, and while you do that,", "I'll check in\non the ring bear.", "I'm sorry.", "You're saying\n\"ring bearer,\" right?", "Ring bear.", "Okay, look into my eyes and say,\n\"I promise that I'm not bringing", "A dangerous wild animal\nto our wedding.\"", "(chuckles)", "(beeping)\nI...", "Oh, that's the shuttle", "With our elderly relatives\npulling up.", "There's nine steps between\nthe bus and that front door,", "Which means we've only got\nabout 45 minutes", "Until they get inside.", "We won't have a\nmoment to ourselves", "Once those old bastards\nlatch onto us like leeches,", "But they're family\nand I love them.", "(chuckles)\nliving link to history.", "Oh, god.", "This is gonna be rough.", "My great-grandparents", "Never stop bickering,\nbut I guess that's", "What happens when you've\nbeen married for 60 years.", "60 years.", "Man, when was the last time\nyou think they had sex?", "Probably not since the\nmaple leafs won the cup.", "(chuckles)\n1967.", "That's not gonna be us, right?", "Like, when we get married,\nit's not all fighting, no sex?", "What? No way.", "It's us, r-train and b-nasty.", "That will never happen.", "Both:\nWe have to have sex right now.", "Aw.", "Narrator:\nKids, as you recall,\nuncle marshall", "Had gotten kicked off\nhis flight home from minnesota", "And was now high-tailing it\nacross the country", "With another stranded traveler\nnamed daphne.", "How's it going, baby?", "Fine.", "Except the flames of lucifer", "Keep singeing our back bumper\nas we drive", "Through this hellish,\ncheese-infested wasteland.", "Wisconsin?\nWisconsin!", "Packers country.", "But don't worry,", "The eriksen men are repping\nthe purple and gold", "Like two bosses.", "Go, vikings!", "(giggles)", "And how are you doing, daphne?", "Not bad, considering\nmarshall's been spouting", "Vikings trivia\nfor the last hour.", "Do you know\n\"I don't care\"", "Led the league last year", "In \"dumb sports stuff\"?", "Marshall:\nAnyways, listen,", "I should be back in time", "For the rehearsal dinner\ntomorrow.", "Oh, the rehearsal dinner.", "Daphne, you should have seen\nthe dress I was gonna wear.", "Up top,\nit packed the gals together", "Like opening night\nof a sex and the city movie.", "And down south,\nit made mama look like a dream", "Sir mix-a-lot would never want\nto wake up from.", "Ooh, what happened\nto that dress?", "(screaming)", "The drunks at the dry cleaners\ndestroyed it.", "(slurps loudly)", "Thank you, linus.", "Okay, lily, I have to go.", "I have to alert the villagers\nthat there is", "A viking amongst them.", "Oh...", "(blowing horn)", "Marshall's driving\nthrough wisconsin?\nYep.", "Ooh, is that\nyour toast?", "Uh... Yeah.\nYeah, I'm just", "Gonna wing mine.\n'cause if you get up there", "And speak from the heart...", "Things good...", "Mouth words...", "Memory", "Times.", "Can I take a peek\nat your speech?", "Uh, no. I...", "\"have a drink\nwith my favorite students,", "See one last sunset\nover the hudson.\"", "Ted, your speech sucks.", "Well, it's no \"mouth words,\nmemory times.\"", "But if you must know,\nit's, uh... It's not a speech.", "What is it, then?", "Narrator:\nA week before the wedding,\nI realized I couldn't stay", "In new york any longer.", "So I decided to start fresh\nin chicago.", "It's a list of all the things", "I want to do\nbefore I leave new york.", "Okay, I don't know\nwhich I hate more:", "The fact that you're moving away", "Or the fact that I'm the only\none that knows about it.", "Why won't you tell anyone?", "You don't drop a bombshell like\nthat this close to a wedding.", "No, that's an excuse. You have\nbeen avoiding barney and robin", "Since the carousel.", "And now\non Monday,", "You're running away to chicago.", "I'm not running away.", "I'm moving on.", "This list isn't written by\nsomeone who's ready to move on.", "It's written by someone\nwho loves new york.", "I mean, \"fix graffiti\non 96th and amsterdam\"?", "I hated looking at it.", "(clicks tongue, sighs)", "(paint spraying)", "\"buy the whole bar\na round of drinks.\"", "Mm-hmm.", "Hey, everyone.", "Next round's on me!", "(cheering)", "Yeah!\n(patrons chanting \"ted!\")", "Ted?", "Hey, everyone.", "Next round's on me!", "Can I have a double bourbon...", "No doubles!", "\"say good-bye\nto the empire state building.\"", "Bro.", "What?", "Sometimes I go...", "Talk to her about life.", "Ted:\nAnd I just hate the thought", "Of leaving you, empy,", "But my gut tells me\nmy future's in chicago.", "What do you think?", "(deep male voice):\nYou need to move.", "Oh, my god, r-really?", "Are-are you sure?", "Yeah, I'm sure.", "You can't just\nstand there talking", "To a building and petting it.", "Wait, are you one\nof those freaks", "Who's sexually attracted\nto buildings?", "An objectophiliac?", "No way.", "Then why do you know\nwhat they're called?", "Why do you know\nwhat they're called?", "(moaning)", "Wait. Wait, wait. You know\nwhat would really prove", "We're not some old\nmarried couple?\nMmm.", "Doing it somewhere\nwe're not supposed to.", "(gasps)\nno, not what I mean.", "Oh.\nLike the elevator\nor the pool cabana.", "Uh, how about the roof?\nOh...", "(both chuckling)", "Man:\nWho gets married this far away?", "Woman:\nAnd the humidity.", "Both (quietly):\nThey're here.", "What do you say we make\nthis bang a home game?\nYes.", "We're locked out.", "I guess we could try\nthe back door.", "(gasps)\nof our suite.", "Oh.\nThere's a back door.", "No, I locked it.", "(sighs)\nokay, it's fine.", "We'll race down\nto the front desk", "And get a key\nbefore anyone notices us.", "(sighs)", "Too late. It's like we're\nin a zombie movie.", "Seriously.", "They move at\na slow shuffle,", "They moan a lot and,\nif given the chance,", "They chew your ear off.", "But they're family\nand I love 'em.", "Their wisdom is priceless.\n(chuckles)", "\"finally tell\nmy upstairs neighbor", "How I've been feeling\nall this time.\"", "(sighing):\nYeah.", "Hi. Um, I live\ndownstairs,", "And, well, I've always wanted\nto say this to you, but...", "I've never had the guts.", "So here goes.", "Are your shoes made of lead?!", "Because you are the loudest\nupstairs neighbor in history!", "Oh, oh, and you suck\nat the bongos! But, hey...", "(chuckles)\nkeep practicing!", "In the middle of the night!", "Before any important interview\nI've ever had!", "\"come clean about April 26.\"", "What happened April 26?", "Uh...\n(chuckles)", "Can you believe people used to\nactually swim in those things?", "(old-timey):\n\"meet me at coney island, see?", "\"I'll be doing the charleston\natop my giant-wheeled bicycle", "In an era where folks\ninexplicably talked like this.\"", "(chuckles)", "Ted.", "Whoa.\n(chuckles)\nhey.", "Hey, bud, I was just\nabout to take, uh,", "Lily's rehearsal dinner dress\nto the dry cleaner.", "Oh, that's too bad.", "Because, uh, I was just watching\nthe princess bride", "When something occurred to me.", "How, at the end, andre the giant\nhooks 'em up with those horses", "And then inigo montoya is like,", "\"fezzik, you did something\nright.\" and it's like,", "\"bro, andre's been doing\nstuff right the whole movie:", "\"knocking out serpents,\nbusting down castle doors,", "\"basically carrying your\nrevenge-and-sangria-soaked ass,", "\"so instead of being\na patronizing jerk,", "\"how about a simple,", "'hey, thanks\nfor the horses, bro.'\"", "That's totally\nwhat you were thinking, right?", "No, I... No, I came over...", "God, that's a really good point.", "Yeah.", "But here's my point.", "And your point.", "(chuckles)\nwhy haven't we done this\nin forever?", "Ted, you know damn well\nwhy we haven't.", "(both grunting)", "(shouts)", "(ted and lily scream)", "Sorry, lily.\nSorry, lily.", "I almost killed my wife, ted!", "I almost killed my wife!", "I almost...", "(both grunting)", "Yah!", "\"hello!", "My name is inigo montoya!\"", "\"you killed my father.\"", "\"prepare to die!\"\n\"prepare to die!\"", "(both grunting)", "Ted:\nWhoa.", "You son of a bitch.", "I loved that dress\nyou cut in half.", "It was the perfect combination\nof slutty and classy.", "Well, what about\nyour backup dress?", "Oh, it's just classy, ted!", "(slurps)", "Thank you, linus.", "Look, I'm really sorry.", "No, it's not good enough.", "Since I'm being", "Forced to wear something\nI don't want to,", "You should have to wear\nsomething you don't", "Want to.", "Why am I the only one\nbeing punished?", "Marshall's just as responsible\nfor your dress as I am.", "Yeah, but he's", "In the middle of wisconsin.", "How am I gonna punish...", "Daphne:\nSay cheese!", "Go, pack, go!", "(quietly):\nI'm sorry, dad.", "There's got to be someplace\nto bang around here.\nI'm starving.", "I knew we should've hit\nthe buffet when...", "(grunts)\ndon't say \"buffet.\"", "That attracts old people.\nSame goes for \"coupon,\"", "\"60 minutes\"\nand \"mandy patinkin.\"", "W... Robin,\nyou're being paranoid.", "Old people don't magically\nsense it", "When you say \"mandy patinkin.\"", "(echoing whisper):\nPatinkin...", "Quick, the ice machine room.", "It's too cold\nfor them in there.\nOh.", "I'll protect you, robin.", "You'll always be safe with me.", "(screams)\ntake her!", "You bitches best get out\nof my hiding spot.", "The only thing not checked off\non this list is", "\"scotch with barney.\"\nthat's the easiest one on here.", "You    aavoiding him.", "I'm not. We've both been busy.", "Besides, marshall and I\nare saving that scotch", "To have a drink with barney\nbefore the rehearsal dinner.", "Because it's not just\nany bottle.", "It's a $600\nglen mckenna 30-year.", "Narrator:\nWhat I didn't know\nat the time was...", "I told those idiots these\ndeath rods are not welcome here.", "What is it with\ndudes and swords?", "Oh, this is fun.", "Oh, yeah, and it's so cool\nwhen I go like this.", "Hi. My name is rodrigo degoya.", "You killed someone I love!", "Prepare to dance!", "Narrator:\nYes, kids, that's what your\naunt lily thought the line was.", "(growls)", "Ha! Whoo!", "(both grunting)", "Ha!", "(both gasp)", "We'll switch it with this\ncheap bottle of whiskey.", "You peel the label\noff the glen mckenna.", "On it!", "Then we'll pour the... Robin!", "Damn, that's smooth.", "Pour it into\nthe other bottle!", "Wait. The color's\nnot dark enough.", "Still not right.", "I think it was a\nlittle redder.\nMm-hmm.", "Okay, now\nthe consistency's off.", "(sighs)", "Yeah.", "Looks good.", "I mean, look at the color.", "It's almost\nchocolaty in its richness.", "The reddish hue.", "Something that looks\nsort of clumpy.", "Oh, yeah, I-I read about that.", "Isn't the highland region\nknown for its clumps?", "Thanks, lily.", "I'm very aware\nof the highland clumps.", "You know what?\nI think I'm gonna sneak a taste.", "What? But-but marshall's\nnot even here yet!", "Ah, a quick nip won't hurt.", "Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!", "(sniffs)", "She's breathtaking.", "You avoiding\nthe family, too?", "I'm gay, I'm black,\nand I'm getting a divorce.", "Those walking skeletons are\ngonna have more questions for me", "Than their pharmacist.\n(chuckles)", "But they're family\nand I love 'em.", "The greatest generation.", "Smother me before\nI'm that age. (laughs)", "What are you two doing?", "Oh, we're trying\nto do it", "Someplace naughty.\n(gasps)", "Not what I mean!", "That-that is never\nwhat I mean!", "We're trying to sneak in\none last bang", "'cause we're afraid\nthat the magic", "Might fade\nafter we get married.", "Are we being crazy?", "That is what happened\nwith me and tom.", "But it doesn't mean\nit's gonna happen to you.", "I won't let it.", "Whoa-whoa, you can't\ngo out there.", "It's suicide.", "Consider it\nyour early wedding gift.", "Why does the brother\nalways die first?", "Aunt muriel!", "Aunt muriel!", "Aunt muriel?", "James!", "Where's tom?", "I have a gay question for you.", "How do you decide\nwhich one...?", "No, no...", "No!\nHe's gone, barney.\nHe's gone.", "James!", "Okay, you go check out", "The second floor\nfor open rooms.", "I'm gonna go\ncheck out the gym.", "No, no, no, that\ngym has a sauna!", "You know my papa sid can't go\nten minutes without a schvitz!", "What about the\ngazebo out back?", "Next to the lawn bowling court?", "Get your head out of your ass.", "It looks like they're casting\ncocoon three out there.", "Oh, what about\nthe business center?", "A room full of computers?\nThat's perfect.", "Technology is their\ncompression-sock-covered\nachilles heel!", "Whoa.\nWhat?", "Stay safe, r-train.\nYou too, b-nasty.", "Mmm...\nMmm...", "Ah!", "Ooh, my, I found waldo.", "(laughs)", "What's this list?", "Whose is this?", "Narrator:\nI was faced with a tough call:", "Come clean about chicago", "Or cleverly lie my way\nout of it.", "Oh, well, you see...", "Mouth words...", "Memory times...", "It's mine. It's my list.", "It's everything I want to do\nbefore I go to Italy.", "Oh. You want to say good-bye\nto the empire state building?", "Sometimes I go\nand I talk to empy.", "That's kind of weird.", "Is \"weird\" the right word?", "Seems pretty\nreasonable to me.", "Maybe even kind of cool.", "\"have a drink\nwith my favorite students.\"", "Lily, you taught kindergarten.", "That does seem\npretty irresponsible.", "\"come clean about April 26.\"", "You told ted\nabout our sword fight?", "Wait-- you-you guys\nhad a sword fight?", "Maybe a tiny one.", "I was pretending\nto be mandy patinkin.", "(echoing whisper):\nPatinkin.", "But it was no big deal.", "No big deal?", "We destroyed\ntheir 30-year glen mckenna", "And replaced it with cheap\nbooze, ketchup and hand sanny.", "I knew it!", "You knew nothing!", "(phone rings)", "Hello.", "The third floor's a ghost town,\ntons of empty rooms to bang in.", "Hurry. I've started without you.", "I mean, I love you.", "Got to go.", "Bye.", "(sighs)", "We made it.", "(both laugh)", "(both moaning)", "Muriel:\nRemind me to put", "A five-dollar bill in\nbarney's wedding card,", "You know,\nto get 'em started.", "(giggles)", "(chuckles)", "Man:\nNo, elizabeth.", "Leave the dentures in.", "Woman:\nMmm!", "Both:\nI never want to have sex again.", "Aw.", "(groans)", "They broke our $600\nbottle of scotch?", "Well, I'm not wearing\nthis abomination anymore.", "Put it back on.", "I can't believe my great-\ngrandparents still do that.", "I never imagined\na walker being used", "For anything\nother than walking.", "Plus, how about those balls\ndragging all over the ground?", "Barney.", "No, the tennis balls\non the bottom of the walker.", "Oh.", "Plus, his testicles were\nswinging like a broken yo-yo.", "Still, when you\nthink about it:", "Married for 60 years", "And they still want to\njump each other's bones.", "I mean... It's\nkind of sweet.", "In 60 years,\nthat'll be us, right?", "Yeah, it will.", "(both chuckle)", "So, what do you think, hmm?", "On the count of three?", "Hmm, okay.", "Okay.", "Both:\nOne, two, three.", "Mandy patinkin.", "Oh, wow.\nLook at you.", "Thank you for\nmaking it...", "We got lucky.", "The farhampton liquor store\nis actually pretty high-end.", "Oh.\nAnd their security\nis a total joke.", "Thanks.", "And thanks for not telling robin\nthe list was mine.", "But I don't get it.", "You're so against me moving.", "Why'd you help me out?", "For a guy who loves new york\nthis much,", "To leave it,\nyou must really need to go, huh?", "Yeah, I really do.", "Okay, but there's still\none item left on this list.", "Time to check it off.", "Yeah, I should\nprobably wait", "For marshall.", "Well, we both know\nhe may not get here in time.", "Be honest.", "Have you been avoiding barney?", "Maybe a little.", "This is the biggest weekend\nof his life,", "And you're his best bro.", "No matter how awkward you feel,", "I-if you're not there for him,\nyou will always regret it.", "Okay.", "Hey, ted.\nYeah.", "You wrote down all these things\nto say good-bye to,", "But so many of them\nare good things.", "Why not just...", "Say good-bye\nto the bad things?", "Say good-bye to all the times\nyou felt lost.", "To all the times", "It was a no instead of a yes.", "To all the scrapes and bruises,", "To all the heartache.", "Say good-bye to everything\nyou really want", "To do for the last time,", "But don't go have\none last scotch with barney.", "Have the first scotch\ntoasting barney's new life", "Because that's\na good thing,", "And the good things", "Will always be here\nwaiting for you.", "What?", "Turn the page.", "\"get one last life lecture\nfrom lily.\"", "Well, you're dreaming", "If you think\nthat's the last one of those.", "(sighs)", "Ah.", "Been waiting for the\nperfect time for this,", "And, my friend,\nthat time is...", "I saw you and robin\nat the carousel."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E04 The Broken Code": ["Narrator:\nKids, it was two days", "Before barney\nand robin's wedding,", "And everything was going off\nwithout a hitch.", "Ted:\nAh.", "Been waiting for the\nperfect time for this,", "And, my friend,\nthat time is...", "I saw you and robin\nat the carousel.", "(bottle shatters)\nokay, there was\none slight hitch.", "Barney:\nShe called me to help her,", "And there you were", "In the rain", "Holding hands with my fianc\u00c3\u00a9e.", "What up?", "Nothing up.", "Everything down.", "All parts of me down.", "Look,", "You were busy,\nso I-I...", "I went to the park\nto help her look", "For this locket\nshe buried years ago.", "She couldn't find it,\nshe got upset,", "I held her hand. End of story.", "Cool! I just wanted\nto air that out.", "You know, bro to bro.", "You're my best friend\nand my best man.", "Of course I trust you.", "Oh, come on.", "You don't have to cry about it.", "(sobs)\nit's not that.", "That was a $600 bottle\nof scotch.", "(crying):\nOh, my god.", "(both blubbering)", "I hope marshall gets here\nfor the rehearsal dinner.", "Thank you, linus.", "He's somewhere in wisconsin\nin a rental car.", "Hertz?\nI mean, it\nhurts a little", "But I'm not gonna\ncry about it. Hey!", "We've been doing that\nall afternoon.", "Robin:\nOh, who's that for?", "Marshpillow.", "Narrator:\nKids, as you may recall,\nwhenever marshall left town", "For a few days,", "Lily would compensate\nwith a body pillow", "She dressed up\nand named marshpillow.", "Pretty normal stuff.", "But with marshall stuck driving\nacross the country,", "Lily decided to upgrade.", "Meet marshpillow 2.0!", "Hey!", "Am I on?", "Hey, guys!", "Hey, marsh.\nHey, marshall.\nHey.", "It's like you're\nreally here.", "Marshall:\nHey, ted.", "Can you give me a\ngander of the environs?", "Wow!", "This place\nlooks beautif...", "Wait for it.", "He's frozen.\n(lily groans)", "Same thing happened last night\nat the worst possible time.", "I had just gotten on all fours\nand taken off my panti...", "Now lily's frozen.", "", "...Ful.", "This place\nis beautiful!", "Wow. Lily, it looks\nlike you really put", "Some time\ninto this, huh?", "(chuckles)", "Though I wonder if", "Instead of dressing up", "Your giant husband doll\nlike malibu ken,", "You could've spent\na minute or two--", "I don't know--", "Planning the weak ass\nbachelorette party you threw me?", "I-it's possible I forgot\nto send out the evite.", "Robin!", "Happy bachelorette party!\n(chuckles)", "You invited patrice\nto my bachelorette party?!", "No.", "You know, it's funny.", "When I was planning\nbarney's bachelor party,", "I managed to wrangle\nhis boyhood hero, billy zabka,", "From the karate kid.", "But you scored patrice.", "I'm sorry, robin.", "I-I've just been so consumed\nwith our move to rome.", "I guess I forgot\nto invite", "The girls.", "Yeah, lily, I'd like\nto show you how it's done.", "Billy zabka, what\na great guy.", "Look at how thorough ted was\nplanning the best man poker game", "He's throwing for barney.", "Wait, I think I'm on some sort\nof delay here.", "(clears throat)\nbest man visor\nfor the dealer.", "Customized playing cards.", "Barney's the king.", "And...", "The queens", "Are naked.", "It was my first decree.", "Hmm. Plus, ted handwrote\nall of the table cards", "For the reception\nin calligraphy.", "The man's a wizard\nwith a pen.", "Oh. I don't know\nabout all that.", "Though I was approached", "By the decorating committee\nto make the...", "Signs for our senior prom.", "I'm told they were\nquite the hit.", "(sucks air through teeth)\nhey, buddy, listen,", "You're gonna kill me, but I\nforgot to bring the table cards.", "Uh, I'd hate to ask\nyou to redo them...", "Say no more.\nThe best man is on it.", "Thanks, ted.\n(scoffs)", "S-so now the best man", "Is painstakingly handwriting\n200 table cards,", "But my maid of\nhonor forgot", "To click \"send\"\non an evite.", "I didn't forget\nto invite the girls", "To your bachelorette party.", "You have no girls!", "(high-pitched):\nWhat?", "(chuckles)\nwhat?", "What?", "What? I...\nAll my girls.", "I gave you a list.", "This list?", "Yeah.", "\"tall girl from work,", "\"mouth-breather\nfrom coffee shop,", "\"average-sized", "Girl from that place\"?", "Ooh. Sorry I didn't\ntrack her down.", "She sounds great!", "She's actually\nkind of a bitch.", "Face it, robin.", "You hate women, and...", "Women hate you.", "Ted didn't go to his prom?", "Classic.", "While lily was dropping the\nball as robin's maid of honor,", "The best man was busy\nknocking it out of the park.", "(sucks air through teeth)", "Hey, buddy, listen,", "My great-aunt ida has corns\non her feet", "And needs a first-floor room.", "Uh, would you mind\nswitching rooms?", "Say no more.\nThe best man is on it.", "Thanks, ted.", "(shouts)", "(whoops)\n(sucks air through teeth)\nhey, buddy, listen,", "The wedding doves\ngot here early,", "And I don't know\nwhere to put 'em...", "Say no more.\nThe best man is on it!", "Thanks, ted.", "(cooing)\npoor guys.", "All cooped up.", "I guess there's no harm in\nletting you out for a bit, huh?", "They carpet-bombed\nmy entire room.", "Wish I'd closed", "My suitcase.", "And my mouth.", "(sucks air through teeth)\nhey, buddy, listen,", "I see you wrote \"n-o-period\"\ninstead of the number sign.", "I'm worried that might\nconfuse the guests...\nSay no more.", "The best man is on it.", "Thanks, ted.\n(knocking)", "Here they are.", "Freshly penned table cards\nin a pretty decent chancery", "Considering I only\nhad my travel quills.", "Wait. Why's the\npoker game started?", "Oh, um, the best man\nmoved the time.", "Mm, no, he didn't.", "Yes, he did.", "Heya, ted.", "Thanks for the sweet lid, bro.", "(quietly):\nBilly zabka's\nyour new best man?", "He's the best... Around.", "Sorry, ted.\nMaybe next wedding.\nW...", "So you're playing the best man\npoker game without me?", "Tim gunn's here and I'm not?", "I'm barney's personal tailor,\nof course I'm here.", "Plus, I've never\nplayed poker before.", "It looks like a hoot.", "I moved into a dungeon.", "I wrote hundreds of cards.", "I even gave your batty\ngreat-aunt ida a foot massage", "So vigorous it put her to\nsleep right there in the lobby.", "Yeah, I don't really have\na great-aunt ida.", "So you are mad about me\nand robin holding hands.", "Of course I'm mad, ted.", "Holding hands is, like,", "The fourth-grade equivalent\nof banging.", "Well, in your case, 12th grade.", "Self-five.", "You broke the bro code.", "No, I did not. I only went\nto help robin as a friend", "Because you didn't show up.", "I did not break the bro code.", "It's in the text.", "A bro shall not have\na weird moment", "With another bro's fianc\u00c3\u00a9e.\nWell,", "Too bad we're in farhampton\nand can't actually check.", "I am pleased to announce\nthat the bro code has replaced", "The gideons bible at select\nhotels throughout the country.", "Oh.", "I'm sorry I said\nyou hate women.", "Yeah, don't be.", "For whatever reason,\nI just...", "(sighs)\nI can't seem to connect\nwith them. Down!", "Can you help me?\nI've got", "A bunch more wedding gifts\nin the van.", "Yay! I love robin so much!", "(quietly):\nOh, god, I'm gonna strangle\nthat bitch.", "Robin, what is it\nwith you and women?", "(groans)\nthey're so annoying.", "I'm glad that you're\nmy only female friend.", "Girls are always\nwhining and crying", "Over every little thing.\n(groans)", "(crying)", "Yes. That's exactly...", "Thank you. \"oh, oh, boo-hoo.", "\"look at me.\nI'm a sensitive", "Little girl...\"\noh. God, I'm sorry.", "You're actually crying.\n(groans)", "It's just", "So sad.\n(sobs)", "I can't be your only girlfriend.\nWell, I...", "I don't need anybody else.\nI got... I got you.", "For another six days and then\nI'm off to rome for a year.", "(gasps)\nwhat are you gonna do without\nour Saturday morning brunch", "With a side of sassy gossip?", "A one-shot power play?!", "Hey! Hey, boston!", "Why not drop your hockey pants", "And actually take a dump\non the ice next time?!", "(cackles)\nI love it!", "(groans)", "See? It is just too horrible\nto even think about.", "Yeah.\nYou...", "Need another female friend.", "(sighs)\nwhenever I try to talk to women,", "They look like they want\nto punch me.\nWell,", "Maybe you're accidentally\ngiving off the wrong vibe.", "Like, what do you say\nto other women at the gym?", "Oh, well, I haven't been\nto the gym in forever.", "My metabolism is all messed up.", "See, I can moose down a pint\nof fudge ripple", "For a midnight snack\nand wake up having lost weight.", "(groans)\nwell, everywhere", "Except for my boobs.", "So annoying.", "You're gonna need a lot of work.", "It's in here.\nSomewhere.", "I... It has to be.", "Damn it, I know I should've done\nthese in alphabrotical order.", "(groans)", "Who cares about the bro code?", "It's just some stupid book\nyou made up.", "(gasps)\nhow dare you?", "The bro code has been around\nfor centuries.", "Nay...", "Whatever's more\nthan centuries.", "Please don't launch\ninto a fake history lesson.", "The bro code can trace\nits lineage all the way back", "To broses himself.", "Article one:", "Bros before ho's.", "Ted:\nOkay.", "I see what you're doing.\nYou can't prove that", "I broke the bro code, so you're\njust making up stories about...", "This sacred text\nwas eventually brought", "To the new world\nin 1776 by none other", "Than christopher brolumbus.", "Article 62:", "A bro\nwho calls dibs first has dibs.", "Oh? Dibs!", "And that's why he got\nto bang pocahontas.", "Pocahontas was\nwith john smith.\nMaybe", "According to the hotel register.", "Whatever mrs. Brolumbus\ndidn't know", "Couldn't hurt her, am I right?", "Well, except maybe\nthat new world syphilis.", "But I digress.", "Barney, if you believe\nin the bro code,", "How come you've broken it\nso many times?", "(gasps loudly)", "How dare you!", "I have never broken\nthe bro code!", "Hmm? Hmm? Ah.", "\"article 104:", "The mom of a bro\nis always off limits.\"", "Okay, look,\nwe've all had a lot of fun", "Joking about me\nbanging your mom.", "Not all of us. Continue.", "But I swear nothing ever\nhappened between the two of us.", "Trust me.", "And what's going on\nwith your fingers?", "(whispering):\nThat's how our bodies\nwere intertwined.", "All right, this\nis ridiculous!", "It's ridiculous\nthat you won't admit", "Holding robin's hand was weird.", "It wasn't weird!", "Yes, it was.", "You know what?", "We need a third\nimpartial bro to settle this.", "To resolve this,", "I really need to parse", "The text of the bro code.", "It's too bad", "Marshall doesn't have a copy.", "Actually, I do.", "They were in the, uh,\nseat back pockets on my flight", "In place of the safety cards.", "I'm also pleased to announce\nthe bro code is now available", "In select airlines\nacross the country.", "And lufthansa.", "Der bro code is,\nlike, huge in germany.", "Okay, so prove to me", "You can make a female friend.", "What about her?", "Ugh! The girl\nwith the bangs?", "Any chick who does that\nto her hair", "Is going through\na big life transition", "I don't want to hear about.", "Next time, grow your bangs\nlong enough to cover your mouth.", "Ha-pass.", "Okay, well...", "What about her?", "Ugh! Comfortable shoes?", "(laughing)", "What, are you filibustering\nlater?", "It's after 5:00.\nPut on some heels.", "Ha-pass.", "Okay, well,\nwhat about...?\nUgh!", "I haven't even pointed\nto anyone yet!", "Marshall:\nNow,", "Although not expressly stated\nin the bro code,", "A weird moment between", "A bro and his bro's fianc\u00c3\u00a9e is,", "In my bropinion... A violation.", "No!\nYes!\nHowever,", "Ted was helping robin\nas a friend.", "Therefore,", "Holding her hand", "Isn't necessarily\na weird moment.", "No!\nYes!", "That being said...", "What?\n(mutters)", "...If we decide", "That holding any friend's hand\nis weird,", "Then, yes,\nted did break the bro code.", "So, the question\nis this.", "If ted had gone to the park", "And held barney's hand,", "Would it have been weird?", "No?\nYes?", "See?", "(scoffs)", "It's not weird at all.", "I don't know what to say.", "Just be yourself.", "Say something nice.", "Which one? I can't do both.", "Slut alert.", "That's my 14-year-old daughter.", "Crappy mom alert.", "Ugh!", "It's you. Nice bangs.", "What is wrong with you?!", "I can't do this, okay?", "I was raised as a boy.", "I don't get along with women.", "Can we just drop it?", "Okay, I never thought\nI'd take a page", "Out of your fianc\u00c3\u00a9's\nplaybook, but...", "It's time to target\nthe crying chick.", "Not weird at all.", "Barney:\nMarshall,", "Why are we\ndoing this?!", "Two dudes on a beach\nwith a lifeless blob", "They're pretending\nis alive?", "It's stupid.", "So, I guess that means", "Weekend at bernie's\nis stupid, too.", "(gasps)", "E-lawyered.", "Now, before", "I can render a decision,", "We need to recreate\nthe variables", "At the carousel\nas closely as possible.", "Since ted says\nthat he was comforting robin,", "He needs to do", "The same for barney,\nso, ted, comfort barney.", "I don't see how that...", "Comfort... Barney.", "(sputters)", "Barney, what is\ngoing on with you?", "Why are you\nso upset with me?", "Marshall, this is stupid!\nI don't...", "Accept the comfort.", "Fine!", "(sighs)", "I guess... I'm not\nreally mad at you.", "I'm mad at myself.\nI should have met robin", "At the carousel when she called,", "But I was having such a good\ntime greasing 12-year-olds.", "Laser tag.", "Helpful. Continue.", "Look, ted, I'm sorry that\nI've been taking it out on you.", "You were just being\na good friend to robin.", "It's okay.", "It would be different if\nyou still had feelings for her,", "But you don't, right?", "Right?", "(thunder booming)", "Okay, now it's weird.", "You still have\nfeelings for robin?!", "What?! What?! What?! What?!", "Okay, yes, sometimes I do.", "Well, then, turn 'em off!", "I would love to,\nbut it doesn't work that way!", "I'm a... I'm a human being.\nI-I-I don't have an off switch.", "I'm shutting off.", "There, there.", "Sister?", "Who needs a lady hug?", "Ugh! What the hell\nare you doing?!", "Wait. Did you just\n\"ugh\" my hug?", "I don't need a hug.", "I'm pissed off because", "The rangers just lost\nto the boston bruins.", "Both:\nI hate the boston bruins!", "(laughs)", "Look, barney,\nI hate these feelings.", "I hate myself\nfor having these feelings.", "No one wishes they would go away\nmore than I do,", "But I just... I... I can't seem\nto make that happen. I've tried.", "Well, then, try harder!", "I'm marrying her\nin less than two days!", "What the hell are we gonna do\nabout this?!", "Narrator:\nAs she watched robin make\na new friend, lily was happy...", "For two seconds.", "Oh, no!\nOh, come on, ref!", "I haven't seen that much\nhooking go unpunished", "Since my last\ntrip to vegas.", "And I was on that trip,\nbecause we are best friends now.", "(laughs)", "(both laughing)\nhey,", "This might sound\na little nutty, but", "How about\nwe inject a sexual edge", "Into our abiding friendship\nthat...", "Both:\n...In no way jeopardizes\nour emotional connection,", "Or respective marriages?!", "(both giggling)", "Lily:\nAw!", "Hell, no!", "Excuse me.", "I've got a boston brewin',\nif you know what I mean.", "(laughs)", "You listen, and you listen good.", "If I see your face\naround robin again,", "You will be crying\nabout a lot more", "Than your precious\nnew york rogers.", "Rangers?\nI will cut you!", "(lily mutters gibberish)", "Forgot my purse.", "(mutters)", "You know what?", "That's why I only need you.", "'cause you're a psycho.", "My psycho.", "I am, aren't I?\nMm-hmm.", "(giggling)", "There's the blushing bride!", "Back off, patrice!", "Look, barney, the truth is,\nit was weird at the carousel.", "On some level,\nit's probably been weird", "Between me and robin\never since we broke up.", "But you're my brother.", "I would never do anything", "To hurt you, ever.", "(scoffs)\nI mean it, I swear!", "I'll-I'll even swear it\non the bro code.", "The bro code's stupid.", "(gasps)\nhow dare you!", "I'd be honored.", "I can't promise that I'll ever\nget to a place where it won't be", "At least a little weird\nbetween me and robin.", "But I don't want to lose you\nas a friend, either of you.", "So I will do everything I can", "To move on and live with it.", "The question is... Can you?", "(sighs)", "I'm sorry, ted.\nI just... Can't do this.", "I fold.", "What about the best man?", "I fold, too.", "I fold.", "There goes my belly buster.", "You sandbag all night,", "Only to bluff a couple\nof rags, pre-flop,", "And wind up\nwith a dry board.", "That's what you get", "For limping in shorts-tacked\nwith a pack of donkeys.", "Muck city.", "I fold!", "Yeah...\nOh, right.\nI knew that.", "I knew that, I knew that,\nI knew that.", "Okay, two\nplayers left.", "You are bluffing, robot man.", "I raise.", "Barney:\nOh.", "Hey, billy, do you mind", "Pushing my chips\ninto the center of the pot?", "Preferably with gusto,\nbecause...", "I'm all in!", "Oh!\nOh, boy!", "All right,\nall right.\nAll:\nOh!", "(cheering and laughing)", "Narrator:\nAnd that's how I became\nbarney's best man again.", "Everything was back\nto going off without a hitch.", "I'm coming for you, mosby.", "Narrator:\nOkay, there was one\nslight hitch."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E05 The Poker Game ": ["Ooh, chicago!", "There is this pizza place\ncalled gazzola's.", "It's fantastic.", "It was closed down for a while,\nbut it just reopened.", "I'm sure they got\na godzilla's in new york.", "We're not stopping.", "It's just pizza.", "Just... Pizza?", "Let me tell you", "About the thing\nyou say is just pizza.", "We begin with the first bite.", "Oh, the crunch!", "And then the marinara.", "That roiling lava", "Of tomato and oregano--\nit overtakes you!", "I'm falling!", "And that's....\nWhen she catches you.", "That chewy,", "Voluptuous mistress, mozzarella.", "Her oven-kissed cheeks crackle\nwith warmth in your mouth,", "Cradling the sauce\nand the bread,", "Letting you know\nthat from now on...", "This... Is home.", "This pizza...", "Is home.", "If it was so delicious,", "Why'd they close it\nin the first place?", "Rats.\nWe're not stopping!", "This road trip sucks!", "Narrator: Barney's bachelor\npoker game was winding down.", "Tim gunn, out.", "Lily, busted.", "Marshpillow,\nfluffed and turned down.", "We were playing what we thought\nwas our final hand,", "And it was getting intense.", "Action to ranjit.", "Ranjit, action to you.", "What?!", "Hey, ted, thanks\nagain for your gift.", "He gave us a framed photo\nof all of us at the bar, and", "He's getting us\ntwo other wedding gifts.", "What can I say? I just love\ngiving wedding gifts.", "I love giving\nwedding gifts so much,", "I wish I could marry\ngiving-wedding-gifts,", "And then get myself\nand giving-wedding-gifts", "A wedding gift.", "Maybe saying things like that's\nwhy I'm not married.", "(laughter)", "Narrator: Oh, you know what,\nI should explain", "Why lily was angry.", "Six years earlier, a few weeks\nafter their wedding,", "Marshall and lily were going\nthrough their wedding gifts.", "Well, that's weird.", "Did ted get us anything?", "Come on, lily.", "Ted... Ted's our\nbest friend.", "If his gift hasn't arrived\nyet, it's on the way.\nYeah.", "Narrator: But time passed,\nand no gift arrived.", "Finally, marshall started\ndropping hints.", "Hey, man,", "It was great having you\nat our wedding.", "Thanks, bro,\nand thanks for this coffee.", "It is great.", "You were not wedding absent.", "No, sir.", "You were wedding present.", "Do I detect a note\nof hazelnut?", "(laughs)", "Wedding present.", "I think he got it.", "Narrator:\nBut I didn't get it.", "More months passed.", "His hints got more desperate.", "Happy Halloween!", "Yeah. What-what are\nyou supposed to be?", "Well, I'm a wedding present,\nted!", "How could you not get me\na wedding present?", "I mean, how could you not get\nthat I am a wedding present?", "Get me? A wedding present!", "Get me a wedding present.", "Why isn't he getting it?!", "I don't know.", "Why didn't you\nget the message", "To dress up like a pregnant\nteenager, home skillet?", "Narrator: But he kept on waiting\nuntil the summer of 2008", "When I got engaged.", "So ted's getting married, huh?", "Bet he'd love a gift\nfrom his old pal marshall.", "Well, he can forget it!", "We're getting them a gift.", "But lily, this is the dream.", "This is the whole reason\nwe wanted ted to get married.", "So we could not\ngive him a wedding gift,", "And he would know\nexactly how it feels!", "Baby, I'm as pissed as you are,\nbut we're getting them a gift.", "We have to.", "Fine.", "We'll get them a gift.", "A gift that'll send\na message loud and clear.", "A gift-wrapping\nstation! (laughs)", "Oh, boy. This time,", "He   hato get it.", "Narrator: And not long after\nthat, a package arrived.", "Oh, well, well, well.", "Package from one\nmr. Ted mosby.", "It's a little late, but...", "What the balls is this?!", "It-it's a thank you note", "For the gift-wrapping station.", "Narrator:\nWhich explains the face.", "Wedding gift.", "James:\nHey, barney.", "I've got a wedding gift\nfor you, too.", "Don't get married. (laughs)", "Ah.", "In fact, it comes\nin his and hers.", "(in deep voice):\nDon't get married!", "(in high-pitched voice):\nDon't get married!", "(laughing)\nbarney:\nAh.", "I'm not cheating!\nDon't tell anyone!", "I'll cut you in on half!", "Hey, barney,", "Can you ask james to stop\ncrapping all over marriage?", "He's not crapping on marriage.", "He literally drew this\non the toilet.", "Come on, robin. Please\ndon't ask me to pick sides.", "In two days,\nhe's gonna be your brother, too.", "Just be honest and tell him\nwhat's bothering you.", "Okay.", "(imitating car revving)", "Marshall, are you...?", "Hey, andretti!", "Beat it!", "Marshall, are you sitting down?", "Well, I'm in a car,", "And you were pretty clear about", "The no-teen-wolfing\nnow-that-I'm-a-dad rule,", "So, yeah, I'm sitting down.", "Ted is getting barney and robin\nthree wedding gifts!", "I hate him.", "Lily,", "Requesting permission\nto make a stink?", "Stink away!", "Hurry up and get it over with.\n(window whirring down)", "(phone buzzes)\noh, that's marshall.", "I should take this.", "Well,", "Call me akira yoshizawa.", "World's most famous origamist?", "I fold.", "(overlapping chatter)", "Barney, here's a good one.", "What's the difference", "Between a journey song", "And a husband?", "A journey song has a climax.\n(laughs)", "(laughs)", "I'm sorry, robin.", "I'm just messing with you.", "Raise a hundred.", "No, it's fine.", "It's just funny hearing all\nthis anti-marriage stuff", "From a divorced guy who\nstill wears his wedding ring.", "What, this?\nMm.", "Only wear it because,", "Nothing attracts a gay guy\nfaster than a wedding ring.", "Except saying hi to him.", "Or being in the same room,\nor every app on my phone.", "People, it is a good time\nto be gay.", "So you can just... You can take\nthat ring off anytime you want?", "Anytime.", "I'm all in.", "And raise you...", "One ring.", "All:\nOoh!", "Fine.", "It's just a ring.", "Okay, let's see\nwhat you got.", "Robin has three jacks, james", "Has...", "Just shy of a pair\nof a sixes.", "Thank you.", "Yeah.", "I'm gonna hit the gym.", "Let me know if you want\nto get some dinner later.", "Oh, we'll give you a ring,\njust not this one. Ho!", "(laughs)", "Marshall:\nYou, ted mosby,", "Never got me\nand lily a wedding gift!", "J'accuse!", "I did, too, get you a gift!", "It was a coffeemaker,", "And you never sent me\na thank you note!", "Oh.", "So-so... Me-cuse?", "You-cuse!", "Robin, when I said, \"be honest\nand say what's bothering you,\"", "I meant, stuff it down\nand never do anything about it.", "How did you not get that?", "It's fine.\nHe's a grown-up.", "(door opens)", "What did you do\nto my little boy?", "(thunder crackling)", "Hi, mom.", "You get your\nbrother's ring back!\nMom, please don't make me", "Take sides!\nThat's your brother out there.", "You two shared bunk\nbeds and baseball mitts,", "And, when you were hungry,\nthese supple breasts.", "Arguably a little too long.", "Stinsons stand up\nfor each other.", "Take care of this!", "I...\nI'm gonna play\nsome cards.", "All right, chumps.", "I'm gonna tell you what I\ntold frampton's guitar tech", "When he couldn't find\na condom: Let's gamble.", "You gave us a coffeemaker?", "Not just ah coffeemaker.", "I asked what they used\nat your favorite coffeehouse", "And got you that exact...\nOne tier down model.", "And you know\nwhat you got me? Huh?", "Narrator:\nNo thank you note.", "So I started dropping hints\nabout it.", "Do I detect a note of hazelnut?", "Wedding present.", "Kind of want to say thank you", "To that note of hazelnut.", "Thank you... Note.", "(laughs)", "Wedding... Present.", "Anyway...", "Thank you note.", "Yeah, he got it.", "But you never got it!", "I drank so much coffee\nthat year,", "Hoping you'd take the hint,", "My resting pulse was like\nthe drum solo from \"wipeout.\"", "And then, uh,\nHalloween rolled around.", "Get me a wedding present.", "On that note...", "I think you'll like my costume.", "Mm.", "I'm a thank you note.", "Thank you note.\nAh.", "Guess you could say\nthat we sort of go together.", "That's right, marshall.\nThat's right.", "When someone gets you a gift,", "You give them\na thank you note.", "That is how it works.", "Give a gift, get a note.", "Agreed.\nExactly.", "Exactly.", "Exactly.\nExactly.", "I think he got it.", "Yeah. Yeah, he got it.", "I have to find a bathroom.", "I didn't get it!", "And I thought for sure\nyou'd get it", "When I sent that thank you note\nfor the wrapping station.", "\"dear marshall and lily,", "\"this is a thank you note\nto thank you", "\"for the gift-wrapping station.", "\"because even though\nthe wedding never happened,", "\"there's one thing that\ndidn't leave me at the altar,", "And that's my manners.\"", "I can't believe this.", "Eriksens send thank you notes.", "It's the one thing\nthat we always do!", "We even have\na family saying about it.", "\"lick it, before you stick it!\"", "\"it\" being the stamp\non the thank you note,", "Before you stick it\nin the mailbox.", "I will make this right!", "I know, right?", "Hey, listen, we're about\nto go through a tunnel.", "Guys, big dilemma.", "My mom's insisting\nthat I get robin", "To give james his ring back,\nbut robin's refusing.", "But james seems like\nhe's really upset.", "But robin's\ngonna be my wife.", "But james\nis my brother.", "But robin lets me do sex to her.", "But I have", "To spend eternity\nin my mom's mausoleum.", "I just wish there was a way\nI didn't have to take sides!", "What should I do?!", "(exhales)", "Choose your wife.", "You always choose\nyour wife. Easy.", "Got any other stumpers,\nlike how to answer", "\"does this make me look fat?\"", "Well, maybe a little around\nthe hips but no more than usual.", "You're getting married,", "So I will deal with that\none after your honeymoon.", "Narrator:\nAnd she did.", "Belize was amazi...", "(groaning)", "In marriage, being right is less\nimportant than being supportive.", "Remember: Happy wife\nequals happy life.", "Wow, thanks.\nThat's some great advice, lil.", "I knew I could count on you.", "He's gotten very respectful\nwith his fake listening.", "Anyway, lily,", "I told marshall this\nalready, but...", "Don't worry about not sending\na thank you note", "For the coffeemaker. It's cool.", "Uh, we did send a thank you note\nfor the coffeemaker.", "Uh... No, you didn't.", "Uh... Yes, we did.", "To stuart and claudia,", "The people who gave us\nthe coffeemaker.", "Uh...", "What?", "Hey, you two!", "Hey.\nHey.", "Hey, thanks again\nfor that coffeemaker.", "We use it all the time.", "Especially when ted's over.", "Yeah, it's\na great machine.", "We have one at home\nand we love it.", "Did I forget\nto get you a wedding gift?", "What kind of monster am I?", "Mosbys always give\nwedding gifts.", "We even have an expression:\n\"wrap it before you tap it.\"", "You know,", "Wrap the gift", "Before you tap the person\non the shoulder", "And say, \"here's your gift.\"", "I will make this right.", "Robin? Two things:", "Number one, are you\ndropping heat right now?", "No.\nGreat.", "Number two.\n(chuckles)", "Nice.\nThanks. Anyway,", "I came up with an amazing plan", "That I think\nwill make everyone happy.", "Step one: You let my mom win the\nring back in a hand of poker.", "Step two...", "No, that's all the steps.", "What do you think?", "So your plan is\nyou do absolutely nothing", "To get your fianc\u00c3\u00a9e's back.", "Okay.", "Let me propose\na different plan.", "Step one...", "Good game, everybody!\n(giggles)", "And that's all the steps.", "That's a really\npretty bra, mom.", "Well, I'd better leave now\nbefore I lose", "Any more of my dignity,", "The likelihood\nof which", "Is increasing every moment\nin this very chilly room.", "Oh...", "(door shuts)\nnot good, robin.", "Very not good.", "How do you\nkeep winning, anyway?", "Well, to the keen observer,", "All of you stinsons have\nthe same very subtle tell.", "Whenever you're bluffing,", "You say the word \"bluff.\"", "Hey, I'm hungry. Uh...", "Should we get\nsome bluffalo wings?", "Raise you $20.", "When I walked in, I saw\nan all-you-can-eat bluffet.", "Raise $50.", "Mmm... I could use\na bluffberry muffin.", "A blueberry bluffin. Sorry.", "A bluebluffy muffbluff. All in.", "I don't believe it.", "Robin, you've got\nto give her that blouse back.", "She loves that blouse.", "She got those sequins from\nrick james...'s open casket.", "Nope. Not happening.", "Woman, as your bridegroom,\nI command you!", "We'll leave and", "Give you guys\nsome privacy.", "(door shuts)\nyou, uh,", "Want to take back\nthat \"I command you\" thing?", "Please can I?", "Why is this so important to you?", "Because it's my family.", "And, so help me, you and I\nwill never have sex again", "If you don't give back\ntheir bluff.", "Stuff! Damn it.", "Look, I just...\nI want to feel like", "You're on my side\nonce in a while. That's all.", "Look, I'm gonna\nbe your wife,", "For god's sakes.", "But, look,", "If it's... If it's\nthat important to you, here.", "Do what you want.", "Thank you.", "And please don't play\nstrip poker with my mom again.", "It's all kinds of confusing.", "(door shuts)\n(sighs)", "(phone ringing)", "Oh, that's where\nmy phone is.", "I wasn't eavesdropping.\nHey, baby.", "Lily, we were wrong\nthe whole time.", "Ted got us the coffeemaker!", "He's a wonderful man!", "What? No. Claudia and stuart\ngave us our coffeemaker.", "Ted's a rat bastard!\nNever mention his name again!", "Your coffeemaker?", "Ted got you that.", "I was with him\nwhen he bought it.", "I don't know what to feel!", "But stuart said\nhe got it for us.", "Stuart and claudia\nchecked in.", "I saw them in the lobby.", "Let's go get\nto the bottom of this.", "Stuart,", "No b.S., did you really get us", "That coffeemaker\nfor our wedding?", "Of course.", "What a crazy\nthing to ask.", "They never give you enough\nof these things.", "Oh, my god.", "Ted got us\nthat coffeemaker,", "And you just played it off\nas your gift.", "You're a weasel. Admit it.", "No, that's insane.", "Really?", "Housekeeping!", "Conditioner thief!", "Okay, shh, shh.\nYes, I am a weasel.", "I ripped the card off ted's gift\nand I wrote my name on it.", "Does claudia know about this?", "No. Please don't tell her.", "That gift was a turning point\nfor us.", "Ah.", "I got to admit,", "I came pretty close\nto leaving you.", "Bags packed, plane\nticket purchased,", "Topless pics sent to your\nbrother, the whole nine.", "But seeing that you got our\nfriends such a nice gift,", "Ah, it just really puts\nyou in a whole new light.", "Oh.", "I'm a pretty great guy.\nOh.", "(water running in background)\nand since that day, on the\nfoundation of that coffeemaker,", "We've built a strong,\nnurturing relationship.", "Well, out of respect for your\nmarriage, I won't say anything.", "Say hi to claudia\nwhen she gets out of the shower.", "That's not claudia. Good night.", "Tap tap.", "Look what I wrapped!", "What?", "(door opens)", "(sighs)", "So, I went to give james\nhis ring back...", "Glad you came\nto your senses.", "You can't let being married\nkeep you from being you.", "It's like tom,", "Always telling me I spend\ntoo much time at the gym.", "If you want to work out\na couple times a week?", "Right. Or a couple times a day.", "Or a couple times...", "A couple times a day? Really?", "A few hours before work,\na few hours after.", "Only way to keep up\nthe chocolate xylophone.", "(singing notes)", "Still, that's a lot of time\nat the gym.", "Especially with two kids.", "It's like\nI always said to tom,", "\"I've got to stay in shape", "In case I'm ever single again.\"", "And, hello, I was right.", "Oh, my god.", "I think I finally understand\nwhat lily was mumbling", "In my peripheral vision earlier.", "I'm marrying robin", "So I can be part of a team,", "Not just some guy alone at a gym", "With admittedly amazing abs.", "Thanks, bro.", "No. Thank you, bro.", "You're not getting this ring.", "I'm always gonna have your back.", "No matter what.", "Thank you.", "I love you.\nMmm,", "I love you, too.\n(chuckles)", "(moaning)", "Oh, oh! I almost didn't\ntell you the best part!", "There's more!", "Really?", "James, let me spell this out\nfor you:", "Now that I've got robin,", "We are not brothers anymore.", "What?!", "Uh-huh.", "If you and\nrobin are both", "Ever hanging from a cliff", "And I have one hand free,", "Enjoy the fall.", "Uh, buh-bye.", "If you...\nOh, mom! Good!", "You should hear this, too.", "This mother-son thing--\nit's over.", "It's been\na nice few decades,", "But I've got a wife now,", "So you mean nothing to me.", "Oh, and me coming over", "For thanksgiving and christmas,", "That's done!", "No more of that!", "And you know why?", "Because robin said so!", "This came directly from her!", "See ya, losers!", "Oh, my god.", "Yeah.", "Fianc\u00c3\u00a9 of the year?", "(chuckles)\nI think I know what's next.\nOh, god.", "Oh, god. I can't leave this room\nfor the rest of the weekend.", "I'm sure we can find\nsomething to do, eh?", "Marshall:\nTed, I'm so sorry!", "No, I'm sorry.", "I shouldn't have spent the last\nsix years passive-aggressively", "Drinking gallons\nof coffee around you.", "And I shouldn't have taken\nthat sewing class", "To learn how to make\nthat wedding present costume.", "I regret all of it.\nMe, too!", "Except I actually don't regret\nthat sewing class.", "I learned a fun and useful\nlifetime skill.", "But, seriously,\neven without the coffeemaker,", "You've given us more\nthan enough.", "Well, there is one more gift\non the way.", "Whatever it is, send it back.", "(horn honks)\nit's a little late for that.", "Marshall eriksen?!", "Yes?!", "I got your pizza!", "Oh, ted!", "You are the best friend ever!", "Don't say another word,\nmarshall.", "Save it for the thank you note.", "You got it, buddy!", "Narrator:\nAnd, kids,", "I got that thank you note", "Four months later.", "Four months.", "Uh, here's\nyour blouse back.", "Is there any way\nwe could just, um...", "Forget about all this?", "Oh, no, dear,\nyou keep the blouse.", "Think of it\nas your consolation prize.", "Consolation prize?", "You won the battle.", "But I'll win the war.", "Game on, bitch."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E06 Knight Vision ": ["Ted:\nLook at this,", "Your wedding weekend.\nI know.", "This close to finally\nhaving sex again.", "It's been forever.", "Oh, you and robin\nbeen abstaining?", "Talking about you, ted.", "Now here's the deal:\nEvery hookup", "At a weekend wedding is decided\nat Friday night drinks.", "Get stuck with\nthe wrong girl", "Tonight, the only action you'll\nbe getting all weekend", "Is a self-five,\nand I don't mean the cool kind.", "(chuckles)\nself-five! That's the cool kind.", "Well, that's a big decision.", "The biggest.", "It brings to mind\nthat religious text", "Which we hold most sacred:", "Indiana jones and\nthe last crusade.", "Remember?\nThey entered a chamber.", "Really? I'm the one working\nwith the nazis?", "Ted, just... Just... Okay?", "Yeah.\nThey had to choose", "Which cup was\nthis special cup.", "I forget what\nit was called,", "But it's like the\nholy grail of cups.", "It was the holy grail.\nOf cups, exactly.", "So the nazi confederate\nchose, and...", "(quietly):\nPlease don't make me do that...", "Ted, ted, the confederate\nnazi chose, and...?\nI...", "Okay, okay.", "Oh.", "And so, now, I'm gonna explode.", "He chose...", "Poorly.", "Then indy picked\na cup, and...", "You chose...", "Wisely.", "(playing surf guitar)", "So choose wisely, ted.", "To help you decide,\nI spent all day yesterday", "Picking your top\nthree prospects.", "And I helped.", "It was either that\nor writing our vows.", "Uch! Gag.", "Sophia was robin's\ncollege roommate,", "And she's apparently \"a bit\nof a screamer\" in the sack.", "Yeah, during sex,", "She sounds exactly like\na car alarm from the '90s.", "You know, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo,\nooh-uh, ooh, ah-ah-ah-ah.", "Dudes love it.", "Cassie is the daughter\nof my mom's best friend.", "Sad story: 12 years ago,\nher gymnast career", "Was tragically cut short\nwhen her boobs got too big.", "Grace is a new coworker.", "She's had six different\npositions at the firm,", "And that was just at\nthe christmas party.", "Ooh.", "So, grace doesn't\narrive till later,\nmm-hmm.", "I recommend\n(whistles) sophia.", "I strongly feel that you\nshould strongly feel her.", "I guess it's decided, then.", "Ted, right?\nYeah.", "I'm cassie.", "Oh... Something tells me", "That we are gonna have a lot\nof fun this weekend. (chuckles)", "(quietly):\nCassie. I pick cassie.", "You chose...", "Poorly.", "Hey, there's our minister.", "Oh, what a sweet-looking old...", "Ah! He looks scary.", "Looks can be\ndeceiving, lily.", "But not in this case.", "He's a mean old tool.", "Oh, he can't be that bad.", "I'll get him to come around.", "Hi, reverend.", "I'm lily aldrin,\nthe maid of honor.", "Not too much honor.", "You're dressed like a whore.", "(mouthing)", "So what's going on?\nWhy aren't you telling your wife", "You got an offer to be a judge?", "Lily had her heart set\non us moving to rome,", "So I have to tell her in person.", "That way, I know that I can\nconvince her", "That we need to stay.", "In the courtroom,\nthey call me the convincer.", "They really call you that?", "I convinced them\nto call me that.", "But you have to prepare\nfor your court cases.", "Did you prepare\nfor talking to lily?", "I don't need to prepare, okay?", "I can craft a nice...", "Thingy.", "Oh, wow I'm totally...", "The twisty metal thingy?", "You're screwed.", "I'm screwed!", "(both laughing)", "I'm sorry, ted, I don't know.", "I'm just so tired\nof this routine:", "We flirt, we have a few drinks,", "And then we end the night\nwith meaningless sex.", "Oh...", "Yeah.", "Me, too.", "Do you want to start the night\nwith meaningless sex", "And then flirt later?", "You are a visionary.", "(laughs)", "Come on.", "(phone rings)", "Oh! Oh! It's work.", "Should I get it or ignore it?", "Or get it? Oh, or ignore it?", "Um...\nOr get it?", "You know? Go ahead, get it.", "Okay. (clears throat)", "Hello?", "You chose...", "Poorly.", "I'm fired?", "But teaching there\nwas my dream job!", "And you guys\nare my only friends.", "You all hate me?", "Can I at least say\ngood-bye to all my kids?", "My kids all hate me?!", "(sobbing)", "Oh!", "Oh... It's okay.", "So, what were we\nabout to do?", "I think it was\n\"meaningless\" something?", "Meaningless socks? No.", "(sobbing)", "No, it wasn't\nmeaningless socks.", "Hey, hi, hi, hi.", "Um, so, a little problem.", "I was trying really hard\nnot to offend your minister...", "So how did you\nand your husband meet?", "Oh, it was our first week\nof college.", "I needed help hooking up\nmy stereo,", "So I walked down the hall,\nand I just knew", "I should knock\non this one door.", "Marshall opened it.", "It was destiny.", "Hi.\nHi.", "We've been together ever since.", "Excuse me!", "What did I do wrong?", "What did  you do wrong?", "We really wanted him\nto marry us.", "His church has cute\ncoming out the wazoo,", "But when we met with him...", "No pets in my church.", "No casual attire in my church.", "No gum.\nNo sports logos...", "Reverend?\nMore like never-end.", "Prayer-five.\nNo shouting.\nNo cell phones.", "I'll warn you", "That I turn down\nmost wedding requests.", "Particularly from boozy,\npromiscuous manhattanites", "Who only want me\nto marry them because", "My church has \"cute\"\ncoming out the wazoo.", "That is the total\nopposite of us.", "People are like that?", "Well, then,\nhow did you two meet?", "Oh, um, um...", "Um...", "Uh, we've been...\nDating since college.", "We met the\nvery first week.", "I needed help\nhooking up my stereo,", "So I walked down the hall,\nand I just knew", "That I should knock\non this one door.", "Barney:\nI opened the door.", "And it was destiny.", "Hi.", "Hi.", "Both:\nWe've been together ever since!", "You stole our story\nof how we met?!", "We had to!\nYour story is so sweet!\nMm.", "You didn't even kiss\ntill the third date.", "By our third date,\nI'd hit more bases", "Than bob hope\non a uso tour.\nTopical.", "Now reverend lowell\nknows that we lied to him.", "What if he cancels\nour wedding?", "What? That's ridiculous.", "Barney, robin,\nI need to speak", "With you in private immediately.", "And it's not just\nlosing my job,", "My car just got stolen\nwith all my stuff in it.", "And now I think\nI'm getting the flu!", "I'm sorry.", "I've been talking\nfor, like, a half an hour.", "It's fine.\n40 minutes. It's fine.", "Still, I think I would be able\nto handle all of this", "(voice breaks):\nIf my boyfriend wesley", "Hadn't just broken up with me!", "(sobs softly)", "(inhales deeply)", "Why don't you tell me about it?", "Okay. I should go back\nto the beginning.", "Oh, no, before the beginning.", "Winter, 1998...", "Man, this girl is a drag!", "If I hurry, I bet I still have\na shot with sophia.", "Okay, I'll get one more drink\nwith cassie, then bail.", "But where, bar or dining room?", "Bar or dining room?", "For my fourth date with\nwesley, we went to...", "Cassie, let's get one more drink\nin the dining room.", "You chose...", "Hi, mom! Hi, dad!", "Hey! We just ordered\nappetizers.", "Sit down, you two!", "...Ha-poorly!", "Marshall, you're walking into\nthe biggest fight of your life.", "You have to be prepared.\nYou have to be tough.", "I am tough!\nNo, you're not.", "You make some good points.", "Now, what exactly\nare you gonna say to lily", "When you walk\nthrough that door?", "Okay.", "Hey, baby.", "So, listen,\nI got this phone call...", "Daphne:\nWhoa, whoa, whoa!", "You haven't seen her in a week.", "Where's the \"I missed you.\nHow about a kiss?\"", "Nothing about her new hairstyle?", "Hairstyle?\nI can't actually...", "Start over!", "Lily! Hi.", "Mmm.", "I missed you.", "And your hairstyle so much.", "Daphne's voice:\nI missed you, too.", "I can't wait to show you\nhow much in bed tonight.", "Okay, that's creepy.", "Don't break character.", "Okay, um...", "So, listen, I got this\nphone call last week, and I...", "Daphne:\nWhoa, whoa, whoa!", "Acknowledge her own views\non the matter first.", "Start over.", "Lily, hi, mwah.", "I missed you\nand your hairstyle so much.", "Daphne's voice:\nI missed you, too.", "Okay, so, I know\nthat you're excited for rome.", "I'm more excited\nfor bed tonight.", "While I was away,\nuh, I got a phone call.", "To be a judge.", "What the damn hell?!", "Whoa, whoa, whoa!", "Lily does not say\n\"what the damn hell.\"", "Well, I've never met her\nbut, yes, she does.", "You make some good points.\nWow.", "You are terrible at this.", "(sighs)\nwhy did we lie?", "We have to come clean.", "Frankly,\nI am appalled.", "I know. I...\nYour friend", "Lily just tried to pass off\nyour sweet story", "Of how you met as her own.", "That lying little tart!\nI am horrified\nand relieved!", "Does lily have any... Problems\nthat you're aware of?", "Drinking.\nDrugs.", "Both:\nShe's been drinking drugs.", "Lowell:\nWell,", "I talked to barney\nand robin,", "And, let me say, I'm shocked.", "You should be.", "Flat-out lying to me like that?", "We are not misunderstanding\neach other.\nHow dare you", "Pretend their beautiful story\nis actually your own.", "Come again for lil' fudge?\n(chuckles)", "I understand the temptation.", "They're such a sweet couple.", "I mean, the way\nthey call each other", "Barnmallow and robinpad.", "(chuckles)\noh.", "Lily:\nYes.", "I do steal\ntheir stories.", "Mm-hmm.\nBut only because", "My husband and I", "Are so ashamed\nof how we met.", "See, we only met\nbecause his friend ted", "Fell in love with me.", "And who could blame him?", "Hey, marshall.", "See that girl?", "Oh, yeah.", "You just know\nshe likes it dirty.", "Go say hi.\nWhat?", "I can't just go say hi.\nI-I need a plan.", "Hmm.\nI'm gonna wait until\nshe goes to the bathroom...", "Hi.", "Have you met ted?", "Marshall:\nI'm sorry,", "I can't...", "Lily:\nAnd now, after years of lying,", "Cheating and backsliding,", "Here we are, married!", "But what can I say?", "My husband's a sociopath", "Who's slept with over\na hundred women,", "And I'm a slut who once let\nmy boss feel me up.", "Oh, come on!", "I felt  him up!\nIt is over\n250 women!", "If you two want to get married\nin my church,", "You'll stop breaking\nthe ninth commandment.", "Uh...\nNo fat chicks?", "Thou shalt not lie!", "With fat chicks?", "You're killing me.\nYou're killing me.", "Now that...", "Was a good dessert.\n(cassie sighs)", "\"dessert\" sounds like \"desert.\"", "The desert\nhas sand...", "There's sand\nat the beach...", "And wesley and I", "Once drove by a beach.", "(sobbing)", "Excuse me.", "(sobbing)", "Ted:\nNow's my chance to leave.", "No, I'll wait five more seconds", "So I don't seem too eager.", "Four...", "Three... Two...", "Well, thanks for keeping\nour daughter company.", "Man, she can be\na real drag, huh?", "We're gonna go have\na little fun. See ya!", "(laughing)", "You're on fire tonight, bro.", "But, lily, being a judge\nis my dream job.", "Daphne's voice:\nSo your dream job", "Is more important\nthan my dream job?", "Exactly.\nNow you're getting it.", "(clicks tongue)\nnope.", "Start over.", "So your dream job's", "More important\nthan my dream job?", "But, baby, you already have\nthe best job in the world:", "Mom.\nNope.", "Start over.", "So your dream job's\nmore important", "Than my dream job?", "Hey, I gave up peeing\nin the shower for you.", "Nope.", "Start over.", "So your dream job's", "More important\nthan my dream job?", "Of course not.", "But this isn't", "Just about our future.", "It's about everyone's.", "As a lawyer,", "I couldn't stop big oil\nfrom polluting,", "But as a judge...", "Well, maybe I can.", "And that's why I took the job.", "You've just been \"convincered.\"", "Wait.", "You already took the job?", "Without even talking\nto your wife?", "Start over.", "Start over... Start over.", "What the damn hell?!", "Hi, reverend\nlowell?", "Whew!\nMade it through my half.", "You're up.", "Oh. Uh...", "The-the truth is,\nwe-we have", "A complicated,\nmessy history", "That-that we're\nnot too proud of.", "But...", "We're sorry\nthat we lied,", "And hope that\nyou can forgive us.", "Nope, I can't do it.", "You're going to have\nto find a new officiant.", "Okay.", "Well, these\nthings happen.", "And a new church.", "What the damn hell?!", "Ted:\nThis evening could not\nget any worse.", "Whenever\nyou're ready.\nCrap!", "Hey, ted.", "Thanks for\nbeing so great.", "I'm lucky to have you\naround this weekend.", "Ooh, yeah...", "About that...", "I should really go see\nabout the, uh...", "So, sex?\nMy room is very close.", "(cassie laughs)", "Ted:\nSophia. Hi.", "Oh, god. Wesley.", "Wait. Wait, you're wesley?", "Hey, cassie.\n(laughs nervously)", "Your parents were just saying\nyou have a new boyfriend.", "\"boyfriend\" is\na little premature.", "Though I did\npay for dinner.", "Ted and I are\nvery happy.", "Are we?", "(crying):\nEven if...", "He'll never replace you.", "(sobbing)", "So, sophia. Hi.", "I'm ted.", "Robin's friend.", "What do you say we give\nthese two old flames", "A chance to...\nCatch up alone,", "And maybe you and I\ncould go get a drink.", "Are you\nhitting on me?\nDude!", "Ted, let's go!", "You tip...", "...Poorly.", "Look, I know. I shouldn't\nhave taken the job", "Without telling lily.", "Why are you so ticked off\nabout it?", "Because I know\nwhat she's going through.", "I always dreamed", "Of having a career\nI could be proud of,", "But my husband never\nsupported me.", "Eventually,", "I had to... Make a choice.", "Now, every day,", "I'm out there,", "I'm fighting for the good guys,\nand I love it.", "Doesn't", "Your wife deserve that, too?", "Wow. Um, maybe\nyou're right.", "I didn't realize how many\nsacrifices you'd made.", "What is it you do, anyway?", "I'm a lobbyist\nfor a big oil company.", "What the damn hell?!", "You know\nthat I'm an environmentalist!", "That's why you don't want me\nto become a judge.", "But you're the reason\nI  have to become a judge!", "You're the devil incarnate!\nAnd outcarnate!", "Every kind of carnate!", "Please, is-is there", "Any way you'd reconsider?", "No! No, no!", "You two are both\nterrible people.", "Who found each other\nin this crazy world!", "Aw!", "And who lie\nabout  how they found each\nother.", "So, please leave now. Just...", "Ugh! Ugh!", "You know what?\nYou're right.", "We shouldn't have lied\nabout our story.", "I  love our story.", "Sure, it's messy,\nbut it's the story", "That got us here,\nabout to get married.", "I love it, too.", "Every messy chapter.", "I love that you slept\nwith over 250 women", "Before deciding that\nI was your favorite.", "This is killing me.", "And I love\nthat we just had", "To keep having sex\nwith each other,", "Even when we were dating\nother people.", "This is  really killing me.", "And I love that your\nmarriage proposal", "Involved a strip\nclub, lying to me,", "And pretending to bang the\nwoman I  hate for two months.", "I love that we keep\na running tally", "Of all the different rooms\nwe've had sex in.", "I love that two weeks ago, we\nput this room on that list.", "Huh? Come on, rev.", "That's got to be worth\nsome kind of reaction, right?", "I mean, right where\nyour hymnal is, is where we...", "We...", "(laughs)", "Well, that's not what you want.", "(crying and kissing)", "(crying, sniffling,\nkissing)", "Um, are...\nAre you okay?", "I think... Think maybe seeing\nyour ex was a bit much for you.", "No. Not at all.", "I want... Only you.", "Oh, yeah.", "I want to...\nI want to rock your world.", "And you're so hot.\n(sniffling)", "I want to ride you\nlike a bronco.", "(sobbing)\nokay, cassie. Cassie.", "Yeah, we...\nWe can't do this.", "I mean, you're crying.", "(coughing)", "And contagious.", "You're-you're having", "A really, really bad week.", "I think... I think\nyou should just", "Take it easy.", "You're right.", "I'm not in a\ngood place.\nNo.", "Oh, wow.", "I probably would have\nlet you do", "All sorts of crazy things to me.", "(sighs)", "Exactly.", "I release you.", "Go have fun this weekend.", "Meet someone else.", "Ted:\nYes! Yes! Be cool.\nOkay.", "Narrator:\nBut I couldn't\nmeet someone else.", "Hey, ted?\nYeah.", "Everyone here is saying", "You and cassie are the\ncouple of the weekend.", "How great is that?", "Narrator:\nBarney was right.", "I'd chosen poorly,\neveryone had seen us together,", "And now the whole weekend\nseemed lost.", "Until...", "Hi. I just got here.", "Did I miss anything?", "Not at all. Grace, right?", "I'm ted. Let's get you a drink\nbefore you talk to anyone else", "Or hear anything.", "Hey, guys.\nHow's your night going?", "Ugh!\nUgh!", "Our minister just died.", "We can still\nuse the church,", "But we only have two days\nto find a new officiant.", "Unless...", "Barney:\nWedding at bernie's!", "We're not doing\nwedding at bernie's!", "Wow. Oh, that's terrible.", "Should I make a toast\nin his honor?", "(mouthing):\nNo... No, no, no...", "Of course I should.", "Everyone?", "To reverend lowell.", "He may have\npassed away", "Tonight, but\nhe will always...", "Uncle robert died?!", "Oh, no.", "(crying)", "(high-pitched crying)", "(sobbing)", "Have a nice weekend.", "Narrator:\nAll that night, I did nothing\nbut choose poorly.", "But thanks to cassie,", "I didn't get together\nwith anyone at that wedding.", "And if I had,", "Well, then, your mother\nand I might never have met.", "So, maybe, in a way,\nI chose wisely.", "Sophia:\nBoo-uh! Boo-uh! Eee!", "Although, it sure as heck", "Didn't feel like it\nat the time.", "Aah! Aah! Aah!", "(sighs)", "She chose...", "Wesley.", "(chuckling)", "I've been dying\nto say that one all night.", "Sophia:\nBoo-uh!", "Look, I'm sorry\nI yelled at you.", "The truth is, you're right.", "It was wrong of me to take\nthat job without telling lily.", "I don't need to be tough\nwith her. I need to be fair.", "Thanks, marshall.", "I should also apologize.", "While you were filling the tank,", "I may have been so angry,", "I texted your wife with the news", "That you took that judge offer.", "(phone ringing)", "Don't forget\nto compliment her hair."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E07 No Questions Asked ": ["Narrator: Kids, as you know,\nlily and marshall had decided", "To move to rome after\nbarney and robin's wedding.", "We're going to Italy.", "Si.", "But without telling lily,", "Marshall had then accepted\na judgeship in new york.", "Good luck with that...\nYour honor.", "Until his always-helpful\nroad trip companion", "(phone ringing)\ndaphne had selflessly\ncome to his aid.", "You texted lily\nthat I took the job?", "You're welcome.", "You were torturing yourself", "Figuring out how to tell her,", "I just broke the ice for you.", "I was standing on that ice.", "Now I'm gonna be bobbing,", "Facedown on a frigid creek.", "I do not need to know the nasty\nway you apologize to your wife.", "And frigid? Maybe you're\njust doing it wrong.", "Hi, baby.", "I can't believe you did this\nbehind my back.", "I know, I should\nhave talked to you.", "Thanks to you, we are stuck", "All weekend in the room\nwith a ghost in it.", "Room with a...?", "We got 13?", "The room that's haunted by\nthe ghost of captain dearduff?", "Who got the who\nwith the what now?", "Narrator: Marshall had\nrecently discovered", "That the farhampton inn\nwas featured", "In an episode of the ghost\nnetwork's original series,", "True & real ghost stories\nof the supernatural.", "Ooh, there, see?", "The farhampton inn.", "I told you it sounded familiar.", "Tv narrator:\nIn 1843,", "The streets of farhampton,\nlong island", "Were stalked\nby a vicious killer", "Named captain blazeby dearduff.", "Dubbed \"dearduff the hooker,\"\nhe murdered dozens", "Of unwary travelers\nwith his sharpened hook.", "Ironically that hook", "Would prove dearduff's\nown undoing", "(laughing maniacally)\none wintry night in room 13", "Of the farhampton inn.", "(fly buzzing)\n(grunting)", "(yells)", "Uh-oh.", "He was found the next morning,\nfrozen to death.", "Man: Boom!", "Some say you can still hear\ncaptain dearduff's cries coming", "From room 13.", "Cold.", "So cold.", "Help me... Help me...", "Man:\nWe can see you, ron.", "Some say you can still hear\nthe thump of his peg", "And the scrape of his hook.", "Others say\ndearduff the hooker was just", "A popular male prostitute\nwho murdered no one", "And died of syphilis in 1848.", "Let's hear\nfrom some people who have", "Actually survived\na night in room 13.", "(thunder crashing)", "Did I see a ghost?", "Of course...\nWoman: Yes.", "There's...\nAre.", "...Such thing as ghosts.", "(dearduff laughing maniacally)", "So, have you seen the ghost?", "Not yet, but that might just be", "Because ghosts\ndon't exist, marshall!", "So explain the night shirt", "We saw flying around our cabin\nin the poconos.", "An owl got stuck in it.", "We saw it fly out the neck hole.", "Yeah, the ghost of an owl\nthat died in that cabin.", "Plus it's a crappy room,\nbut when I tried to complain...", "The thermostat in\nmy room is broken.", "The ac won't turn off.", "Ooh!", "Sounds like the work\nof captain dearduff.", "He brings with him\nthe icy chill of death.", "So... Bad luck there.", "Night-night.", "It sounds like you're\nusing captain dearduff", "As an excuse for a crappy room.", "I beg your pardon.", "I did not get to be\na 40-year-old night clerk", "By making excuses.", "Now, if there is anything\nwrong with your room", "That isn't ghost-related,", "I'm more than happy\nto address it.", "Okay, the wi-fi doesn't work.", "Ghosts interfere\nwith electronic devices.", "The shower's leaking.", "Dearduff likes\nthe sound of dripping.", "Reminds him\nof his bleeding victims.", "And the door won't lock.", "Captain dearduff\ndoesn't want to...", "You know,\nbe locked out of his room.", "Why would a locked door\nkeep a ghost out?", "Can't he just walk\nthrough walls?", "Maybe he's afraid of rats.", "There are rats in the walls?", "No.", "And the inn's booked up\nbecause of the wedding,", "So we can't change rooms.", "Oh, that sucks.", "I'm sorry, baby.", "Hey...", "But if dearduff does manifest,", "You know the proper way\nto harvest ectoplasm, right?", "(phone beeps)", "Hey, good news-- we're all set\nfor the dove release.", "The what?\nWhen we leave the church,", "They're gonna release\na hundred doves.", "It's gonna be\navi-wait-for-it-ary.", "Aviary!", "Oh.", "That might be a problem.\nWhy?", "Because when\nwe leave the church,", "A few of the gun enthusiasts\nin my family", "Are gonna fire a 21-gun salute.", "(bells tolling, doves cooing)\nhey, man.", "(gunfire)", "(dove cooing)\noh, look-- one got away.", "(gunshot)", "Can't you guys just fire blanks?", "At a wedding?\n(laughing)", "Yeah, that's romantic.", "(thunder rumbling)", "(thunder crashing)", "(thunder crashes)", "(screams)", "(grunts, groans)", "Ted!", "What the hell are\nyou doing in my room?!", "Uh...", "Narrator:\nThere was an explanation.", "You see, after marshall\ngot off the phone with lily,", "He'd called me.", "(phone rings)", "Hey, buddy. What's up?", "Ted, listen, I need you\nto sneak into lily's room,", "Find her phone, and delete\nthe last text she got.", "Why? What's...", "Ted, I need you to do this", "No questions asked.", "And as we both know, you owe me\na \"no questions asked.\"", "(phone rings)\nhey.", "Ted:\nHey. Listen, I need you\nto do something for me", "No questions asked, okay?\nWhat is it?", "Meet me at the corner\nof 53rd and 8th.", "Bring your drill.\n(click)", "Ted:\nMarshall.", "What the hell?", "How did you...", "No...", "Questions... Asked.", "I broke federal law drilling you\nout of that mailbox.", "Hey, I was a man in need.", "I know.\nYou were a \"priority male.\"", "You said you'd", "Stop doing that joke\nafter the editor", "Of bazooka joe comics\nrejected it.", "That man is a comedy snob.", "The point is,", "You owe me\na \"no questions asked.\"", "Okay, okay!\nI'll delete the text.", "Thank you.", "I just have to figure out", "How to get into lily's room.", "Easy. The lock on her door\nis busted, so...", "The drainpipe!\nWhat?", "There's a drainpipe that\nruns up near her window,", "And, no big deal,\nI can totally climb it.", "I'll call you when it's done.", "Her door is unlock...", "(click)", "Uh...", "Marshall wanted me\nto check on you.", "He was worried\nthat you might be scared", "All alone in the ghost room.", "Remind me to call\nyou next time", "Marvin has a nightmare--\nyou can calm him", "By bursting into his room with\na chain saw and a hockey mask!", "Sorry, I didn't want to knock\nin case you were already asleep,", "So I just climbed the drainpipe\nup to your window.", "No big deal.\nMm, opened the latch", "With this here coat hanger.", "I would have called,\nbut, uh...", "Well, I didn't know if\nyou'd have your phone handy.", "Say, where is\nthat old phone of yours?", "Ted, I am\nnot scared,", "So why don't you head back\nto your room...", "(thunder crashes)\n(screams): Oh...", "Kay...", "Why, I guess you can stay\nuntil I fall asleep,", "If it'll make you feel better?", "(thunder crashes)\na-and...", "Maybe if it'll\nmake you feel even better,", "You can sing me a version\nof marvin's lullaby?", "Okay.", "Okay.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa night-night, little lily", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa no ifs, ands or buts", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa no peg-legged ghost\nis waiting \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa to hook out your guts.", "Ted!", "Sorry. Sorry.", "Nighty-night.", "(ted humming lullaby)", "(continues humming lullaby)", "(continues humming)", "Ethereal voice (softly):\nCold...", "So cold.", "Help me.", "Help me...", "Oh, god, the hooker's here!\nTed,", "I am not gonna cheat on robin.", "But you're a hell of a best man\nfor getting me one, buddy.", "Where is she?", "All right,\nI'll take a lap dance.", "Can I borrow some sweatpants?", "(whispers): Barney, what\nare you doing in there?", "Marshall asked me", "To do something for him,\nno questions asked.", "Sidebar-- I forgot\nto get my cousin david", "Something for his bar mitzvah\nlast week.", "Could you send the hooker\nto his room?", "Wait, marshall called you, too?", "Narrator:\nTurns out I wasn't\nmarshall's first call.", "Can't you guys just fire blanks?", "At a wedding?\n(laughing)", "Yeah, that's romantic.", "I just wish I would've", "Known about the guns.\nWell,", "I wish I'd known\nabout the doves.", "That's the problem with\nus-- we don't think", "About checking in with the other\nperson before doing something.", "Honestly, I think", "That's what broke us up\nthe first time.", "We're both... Lone wolves--", "Always off in our own worlds.", "That's not gonna work.", "Not in a marriage, no.", "What? Sorry, I was thinking\nabout getting the doves", "Little kevlar tuxedos,\nbut that's not gonna work--", "There's no time for a fitting.", "(phone rings)\nhey.", "Listen, I need you\nto get to lily's phone", "Without her seeing, and delete\nthe last text she got.", "Why? What did you...", "And I need you to do it", "No questions asked.", "As you'll recall, you owe me\na \"no questions asked.\"", "(phone rings)\nhello?", "Marshall, I need you to rush\nto the macy's in herald square,", "Find the utility closet\non the third floor,", "And bring me\nthe following things:", "A clean pair of underwear,\na clean pair of pants,", "A box of moist towelettes,\nhand sanitizer,", "And a garbage bag,\nno questions asked.", "You deuced your pants.", "Never mind.", "Ha. You didn't wind up\nhelping me, so it doesn't count.", "Yes, I'm the one\nface!", "Who should be embarrassed\nby that story.", "But that wasn't\nthe time I meant.", "This was last fall.", "Hey, I got here as\nfast as I could.", "Are you okay?\nYeah, fine.", "Th-these quacks said I was...\n(scoffs)", "Unfit to leave on my own.\nBlah, blah, blah.", "\"danger to myself.\"\nblah, blah, blah.", "\"whoever signs me out is legally\nresponsible for my actions.\"", "I just need you to sign me out.", "What the hell happened?", "Uh-uh!", "I said no questions asked.", "W...", "Star, clover, horseshoe.", "Barney, did you swallow\nreal versions", "Of all the lucky charms items?", "No... Questions... Asked.", "Now come on. Let's hit\nthe bar. I'm buying.", "I just won 50 bucks from\na little irish guy on a dare.", "Fine, I'll delete the text.", "But how am I supposed to get\ninto lily's room?", "Easy. The lock on her door\nis busted...", "Air ducts!\nWhat?", "I'll use the system of air ducts\nto get in her room,", "Just like the bad guy\nin die hard.", "Barney, bruce willis is not\nthe bad guy in die h...", "Not important. The point is,\nthe door is not lock...", "I'll call you when it's done.", "Robin:\nAnyway, I was saying,", "I think we need to be better\nabout talking to each other", "Before doing stuff.", "Can't talk. Doing stuff.", "(grunting)\n(grate clatters)", "What is going on?", "(groans)", "Barney, what are you doing\nin there?", "Uh, well, there is\na story there.", "It involves a trained\nguatemalan kinkajou,", "A bolshoi ballet\nprima ballerina", "And olympic gold medalist\nduke kahanamoku's surfboard.", "Tell her, ted.", "Uh...", "Uh...", "Uh...\nThe kinkajou...", "The kinkajou...\n(knocking)", "Oh, god, what is it now?", "Good evening,\nms. Aldrin.", "I didn't order room service.", "It says right here, room 13.", "Lobster, caviar, champagne.", "$400?!", "I didn't order any of this.", "Maybe dearduff the hooker\nordered it.", "Well, I'm not paying for room\nservice the hooker ordered!", "I've been there.\nLily:\nOkay,", "You know what? I need to\ntalk to the manager.", "All right,\nwhere's that damn phone?", "You, too?!", "(groans)", "(phone rings)", "Hey.\nMarshall:\nRobin,", "I need you to delete\nthe last text", "That lily got\nbefore she sees it.", "Bro, it's my wedding weekend.", "Just because\nyou didn't know better", "Than to take a naked selfie", "While you were in the coldest\npart of the country...", "First, I'm an eriksen.", "Cold has a plumping effect.", "Second, you owe me\na \"no questions asked.\"", "All right, I'm-I'm at the alley\nnear 22nd and 2nd. Now what?", "Robin:\nNo questions asked. Tell me\nabout that giant trout", "You and your dad caught\nice-fishing that one time.", "Well, it was more beast\nthan trout.", "Fought us for three hours\nand nearly dragged us both", "Into lake winnibigoshish.", "It was this big, and...", "(grunts)\nhey.", "Run!", "I never asked you\nwho those weirdos were,", "Why they kept calling you\nnight falcon", "Or even what was in those darts\nthat they were blowing at us.", "Your vision came back,\ndidn't it?", "(sighs)\nwuss.", "Fine, I'll take care of it.", "Just have to figure out\nhow to get into lily's room.", "Her door doesn't lock.\nYou can just...", "Room service!", "Night falcon, you're a genius.", "I'll call you when it's done.", "Why would he call", "You guys before me?\nWell, dude,", "You're not great in a crisis.", "What was that story\nyou were prattling on about?", "What the hell\nis a kinkajou?", "Okay, let's just find it\nbefore she gets back.", "Night clerk:\nI'm sorry, ma'am.", "You ordered it,\nso you have to pay for it.", "Not to mention the room damage\nyou're responsible for.", "I've got\na report here:", "Broken lock, faulty wi-fi,", "You've taken several items\nfrom the minibar...", "There is no minibar.", "Stolen minibar.", "It's not here.", "Well, where else would it be?", "Okay.", "I think it's time\nI call my lawyer.", "Uh-oh.", "Okay, we need to get to lily's\nphone before she sees that text.", "I'm on it.\nNight falcon is on it.", "Good thing I packed my unitard.", "(groans)", "(panting)", "This is exactly\nwhat we always do, isn't it?\nYeah.", "We were both gonna bolt off\nand lone wolf it", "Without telling\nthe other person a thing.", "Why do we do that?\nI don't know.", "Maybe we're just incapable\nof working as a unit.", "(sighs)", "You know...", "I bet even lone wolves\ncan learn to work together.", "I'd like to think so.", "They could build their little\nwoodland den together.", "Roam together.", "Hunt together.", "Lure prey into\na tight corner and...", "Both:\nSnap its limbs\nwith our powerful jaws", "And watch the life drain\nfrom its eyes.", "Both:\nAw...", "Point is, we're gonna\nmake a great team.", "We'll just need\nsome practice.", "Yeah. Yeah, let's prove\nthat we believe in marriage", "By working together", "To help marshall\nhide something from his wife.", "Robin:\nFirst, we take position\nin the lobby.", "Barney:\nThen you cause a distraction.", "(silenced gunshot)\n(vase shatters)", "Robin:\nThen you send in a trained dove\nto grab lily's phone.", "Barney:\nThe dove drops the phone\ninto your hand.", "You delete the text", "And toss it back\non the counter.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Wait.\n(sighs)", "It's absolutely insane...", "...How foolproof this plan is!", "Sometimes it's best\nto just go simple.", "Yep.", "(coughing)", "Wh-why do you have a gun?", "Why do you always have a gun?", "(quietly):\nWhere's lily?", "She went up 20 minutes ago.", "You're kidding.", "Courtney dove, no!", "I already lost kurt coo-bain!", "I can't lose you as well.", "Great. How are we gonna\nget lily's phone back now?", "Oh, I already took care of that.", "And now I'm rewarding myself", "With some of the inn's\nfinest brandy.", "Bottoms up.", "Well, thank you.", "No, no, that's a warning.", "The dove's about to...", "(cooing)", "What happened?", "Well...", "I think it's time\nI call my lawyer.", "(phone ringing)", "Hi, baby.", "You are never gonna\nbelieve this, but...\n(phone chimes)", "Uh, someone sent me a text.", "Ted:\nLily, stop!", "Why?", "Because...", "Because...", "Narrator:\nAnd that's when I realized", "That the answer\nhad been there all along.", "Throw your phone on the ground\nand smash it with your foot.", "What? No.\nI need you", "To do this no questions asked.", "You owe me\na \"no questions asked.\"", "Hey, lil. What's...\nTed, I need you", "To come\nto my classroom right now", "With two dozen cupcakes\nand a box cutter.", "No questions asked.", "Lily, I brought the...", "Oh-oh, my god.", "Ted,", "Put the cupcakes at the feet\nof their leader,", "Then cut me loose.", "Don't make eye contact!", "(children chanting)", "Ted...", "No... Questions... Asked.", "(lily stomping)", "Well, interesting that I was\nthe one who fixed everything", "Even though marshall\ncalled me...", "Third.\nNarrator:\nNinth,", "As I found out later,\nbut I won't go into it.", "The important thing\nis what happened", "Right after the untimely death\nof lily's phone.", "So you're saying\nyou didn't order room service", "And you didn't order\nprison sluts nine?", "I am saying I did not order\nroom service.", "It is done. By me.", "Your third call.", "Actually, you were...", "Thank you. H-how did you do it?", "I called in a \"no questions\nasked\" with lily.", "But, wait,\nwhy didn't you do that?", "You must have, like,\na million of those.", "And marshall thought back.", "Hello?", "Hey, baby, it's me.", "Um, can you come bail me\nout of jail?", "I thought I saw bigfoot\nin central park", "And so I tackled him,", "But it turned out\nto be russell brand.", "Hey...", "Oh, do you mind looking up\nour vaccination records?", "I tried to hug a raccoon.", "Hey, babe, um,", "Could you dig up our warranty?", "I took the tv apart, and I made", "A robot out of it.", "(phone rings)\nhello?", "Hey.", "I tackled\nrussell brand again.", "I've never asked lily to do\nanything no questions asked", "Because...", "I've never wanted to.", "She's the love of my life.", "I never keep anything from her.", "(sighs)\nted, put lily on the phone.", "Hey. It's marshall.", "Want to tell me what's going on?", "Yes.", "I was offered a judgeship\nin new york.", "And I took it.", "Even though we already agreed\nto move to rome.", "I'm gonna be a judge.", "Lily?", "You know, marshall,\nI don't believe in ghosts,", "And I'm not sure anyone died\nin our room,", "But someone's going to.", "(thunder rumbles)\n(dearduff laughing manically)", "\"and I see in your eyes\nthe emerald reefs", "\"of the primordial seas afroth", "\"with the first stirrings\nof life,", "\"infinite in mystery\nand miracle.", "\"forever yours,", "\"the guy you met\nat the drugstore an hour ago.", "\"I heard you give your address\nto the pharmacist", "While I was buying foot powder.\"", "Yeah.", "Mailed it.", "(grunting)\nno! No! No, no!", "(grunts)"], "How I Met Your Mother S09E08 The Lighthouse": ["Narrator: Kids,\nbarney's mom had this blouse", "That she absolutely loved,", "But then robin won it\nin a poker game,", "Which led\nto some slight awkwardness.", "You won the battle...\nBut I'll win the war.", "Game on, bitch.", "Barney: Please, mom,\nI need you to just be cool.", "Okay, can you do that for me?", "For you, yes.", "And for robin?", "(scoffs)\nshe's gonna be", "Your daughter in 33 hours.", "Daughter in law.", "Making it illegal", "For you not\nto treat her like a daughter.", "In-lawyered.", "Please, mom.", "All robin wants to do is\nput this whole thing behind her", "So she can get married and\nput this whole thing behind her.", "Ah! Get-this-over-with-quickly\nso-we-can", "Move-past-how-awkward-it-was\nthat-I-just-said-that five!", "Fine. If robin's ready\nto bury the hatchet,", "Then I guess\nI'm ready to bury the hatchet.", "Morning, bitches.\nLike my new blouse?", "Oh, hell, no!\nNo, mom. Mom!", "Hey, hey, hey, hey!", "", "Narrator: Kids, not far\nfrom the farhampton inn,", "There's a lighthouse.", "It's a really special place,", "And that morning\nI wanted to see it for myself.", "There was just one problem.", "Look, I'm sorry, ted, but-but", "I can't in good faith send\na lonely guy like yourself", "To the top\nof a very romantic,", "And more to the point,\na very tall lighthouse.", "(whistles, blows raspberry)", "I don't want your blood\non my hands,", "And I mean that literally,\nbecause it would be my job to...", "To hose down the rocks.", "Narrator:\nNow, late the night before,", "Thanks to marshall's\ntravel companion, daphne,", "Lily had received\nsome unsettling news.", "I'm gonna be a judge.", "Narrator: Screwing up their\nwhole plan to move to Italy.", "She wasn't happy.", "Yes, I'm in a rotten mood.", "No, I don't want\nto talk about it.", "Yes, this has\nbooze in it.", "No, it's not\nmy first.", "You want to make this brunch\na drunch?", "You do you, I'm not gonna judge.", "I'm gonna be a judge.", "Judge.", "Thank you, linus.", "Narrator:\nAs for marshall and daphne,", "They got caught\nin that big storm.", "Luckily, they had a place\nto crash for the night.", "My childhood home.", "Okay, that sign\nmight not have been there.", "Thank you so much for letting\nus stay the night, mrs. Mosby.", "Oh, it's our pleasure.", "I'm just glad\nthat storm has passed.\nOh.", "But there's one storm\nthat hasn't passed,", "Isn't there, marshall?", "Hey, clint.", "Clint:\nYou know what I'm talking\nabout, don't you, marshall?", "I'm talking about the one\nthat's been raining", "Cats and dogs all over\nthis-this, this friendship.", "This isn't a friendship.", "Oh.", "Nice.", "We're reluctant\ntravel companions.", "Well, little known fact\nabout me.", "I'm an almost-graduate", "Of the conflict resolution\nprogram over at... At tri-c.", "I even had my own practice\nat van aken plaza", "Before the manager\nof the wendy's", "Made me stop hogging the booth.", "The point is,\nI can fix this.", "Oh, I don't know, clint.", "(strums upbeat melody)", "\u00c2\u00b6 gonna resolve some conflicts", "\u00c2\u00b6 gonna resolve\nsome conflicts \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 gonna make\na deeper understanding \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 through mediation.", "Okay, you know what?\nWe have to hit the road.", "But, um, mrs. Mosby, do you\nmind if I take this mug?", "I would very much like", "To make fun of ted\nnext time I see him.", "Of course.", "You know, when ted was seven,", "He and his best friend\ntook this wild west photo", "Together at geauga lake.", "I could go look for it.", "We really should get going.", "His best friend was a balloon.", "What's a few more minutes?", "Yeah, you're gonna want that.", "So... What's everyone\ndoing this morning?", "Oh, well, I kind of feel\nlike playing some tennis.", "Maybe we should reserve a court.", "Court.", "Thank you, linus.", "Pancakes and eggs, robin?", "I guess that blouse won't be\nloose and flowy for long.", "Mom...", "Keep talking, loretta.", "I've been waiting\nall morning to...", "Ketchup.", "Oops.", "You're not supposed to put\nketchup on scrambled eggs.", "Right, loretta, because", "You're the queen\nof scrambled eggs.", "Barney:\nActually, that's", "Exactly what she is.", "When mom was", "A groupie in the '70s,", "Her scrambled eggs made her the\ndarling of the msg loading dock.", "Lot of songs written\nabout those scrambled eggs.", "Zz top's \"she's got legs\"?", "Originally \"she's got eggs.\"", "Led zeppelin?", "\"scramble on.\"", "Steve miller?", "\"the yolker.\"", "If you listen to pink floyd's\ndark side of the moon", "While eating her eggs,\nit lines up perfectly.", "While I'm sure it was\nyour mother's cooking skills", "That made her so popular with\nzed zed top and their ilk,", "I know for a fact", "That she does not make\nthe best scrambled eggs.", "Because my mom makes\nthe best scrambled eggs.", "(gasps)", "Narrator:\nKids, we've known\nyour aunt robin", "For eight years at that point,", "And here's what we knew\nabout her mom.", "My mom is terrified\nof flying.", "(bell dings)", "My mom got stung\nby a jellyfish.", "(bell dings)", "My mom makes\nthe best scrambled eggs.", "(bell dings)", "Narrator:\nAnd... That's everything.", "In fact, she should be here\nany minute.", "Barney,", "Maybe she can cook you\nsome real scrambled eggs", "So you can see what\nyou've been missing.", "Don't do this, robin.\nYou can't win the egg war.", "Canadian scrambled eggs,\nhow quaint.", "Does your mom put maple syrup\non them?", "Ha, ha, ha,\nthis is all very friendly.", "(whispering):\nGet out of this now.", "Why not? We put maple syrup\non everything else.", "Barney:\nAw.", "That's it!", "We need your omelet station.", "My son's fianc\u00c3\u00a9e is\nabout to get served...", "Some delicious\nscrambled eggs.", "Or I could go out to the\ndriveway and eat some gravel.", "(soft grunt)", "Wait. Sorry.\nDid you say gravel or gavel?", "Gravel. Why would\nI say gavel?", "Gavel.", "(sighs)", "Thank you, linus.", "Curtis, can I please", "Have a map to the lighthouse?", "It's a very romantic lighthouse.", "I can't even have a map?", "It's a very romantic map.", "I can't let you go\nwithout a date.", "Wait a minute.\nWait a minute.", "What happened to\nthat girl cassie?\nCassie?", "Narrator:\nCassie was the girl I'd spent", "The entire previous night\nconsoling.", "Just consoling.", "Yeah, that's not happening.", "Narrator:\nAnd then, in her anger,", "Lily gave me a piece of advice", "About which\nshe would later say...", "Oh, mama, that was\nsome bad advice.", "Okay, here's why\nyou're an idiot.", "Did you find\ncassie attractive?", "I guess.\nIs she a relatively\nnormal height?", "Yeah.\nSo end up with\nher already.", "God, do you really think", "That you're gonna find\nsome perfect girl", "Who checks off every\nitem on your list?", "Well, not every item.", "I mean, she doesn't have\nto share my love for coins.", "Although it would\nbe nice, just once,", "Not to have to go stag\nto coin-con.", "Pull your head out\nof your ass, mosby.", "Do you think marshall\nalways makes me happy?", "I mean, sometimes being\nwith him is a real trial.", "Real trial.", "Huh.", "Did it to myself that time.", "Look, ted, it's\ntime to settle.", "Take this normal-sized chick\nup to the lighthouse", "And fall in love with her", "And quit bothering us with\nyour dumb love life stuff.", "God, I am so sick of being\nsmarter than everyone else.", "You're slipping, linus.", "We're running\nout of glasses.", "Do you want to just go\nto the stupid lighthouse?", "Ooh, zitch dog.", "Cocker spaniel in the jetta.", "That's marshall\neriksen-- 28,", "Daphne-- zero.", "For the 28th time,", "I'm not playing\nyour stupid game!", "Oh, stupid, huh?", "That's great.", "I guess daphne gets\nto pick the music", "And crap all over\nmy fun road-trip games.", "(sighs)\nyou know, maybe\nclint was right.", "Maybe we do need\nconflict resolution.", "I knew you guys\nwould come around.", "(daphne and marshall screaming)", "Narrator:\nAnd so I made up my mind\nto settle for cassie.", "So, um, what kind\nof music do you like?", "Hmm... Nothing.", "Narrator:\nStill, I felt optimistic.", "After all,\ncassie was cute and single", "And heck, it's not like\nthe universe was telling us", "We shouldn't be together.", "Here we are. Enjoy.", "Remember: Happy wife,\nhappy life.", "Pretend\nthey're just okay.", "Please, lily,\nI think I can manage to...", "Oh, my god.", "I'm eight years\nold again,", "And life is perfect,", "And I haven't peed my shorts\nin front of 350 webelos", "At the pinewood derby regionals\nin wheeling, west virginia.", "I'm sorry, robin.", "What do you think, lily?", "Oh, my god,\nthey are so delicious.", "Even more delicious than\nfinding out barney peed himself", "At the pinewood derby regionals\nin wheeling, west virginia.", "I'm sorry, robin.", "Mmm.\nCome on,", "They can't be\nthat good.", "Oh!", "Excuse me, mrs. Stinson,\nsome of our guests", "Smelled your scrambled eggs\nand were wondering", "If you could make some\nfor them as well.", "(laughing):\nOh, I don't think I should...", "Crowd (chanting):\nEggs! Eggs! Eggs!\nEggs! Eggs! Eggs!", "Eggs! Eggs!\n(sighs)", "Clint, what are\nyou doing here?", "What the ohio state board of\nholistic medicine has repeatedly", "Told me I'm in no way qualified\nto do: My job.", "When I see a conflict\nneeds resolving, I must act.", "Plus, ted's mom wanted me out\nof the house.", "So, today, we're gonna build\na new paradigm", "Of understanding,", "And then you're gonna swoop me\non back to shaker heights.", "Oh, I need to stop", "At record rev on coventry.", "My vaporizer's ready.", "Marshall, pull over\nand dump this hippie", "On the side of the road.", "I can't do that.", "Clint:\n\u00c2\u00b6 gonna resolve\nsome conflicts \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 gonna resolve some conflicts", "Daphne picks the music.", "\u00c2\u00b6 gonna end this argument", "\u00c2\u00b6 between marshall\nand his mistress. \u00c2\u00b6", "Oh, come on.\nDaphne picks\nthe music!", "Ow! Stupid racecar!", "This is why children\nshould not have toys!", "Look, maybe this lighthouse\nthing isn't such a good idea.", "No, you don't.", "You committed,", "And so did I, so let's go.", "Oh. Ow! Oh!", "Actually, it's feeling better.\n(laughs)", "Ow! Oh! No, it's not.", "Oh. (whimpering)", "Mom, I don't know\nwhy your phone is off.", "Maybe you left your charger\nin the pickup truck.", "(bell dings)", "But I need you to get here\nas fast as possible.", "I know\nyou're probably gonna want", "To take a hot bath\nwhen you get in.", "(bell dings)", "She fits in a bathtub.", "That's good news. Unless...", "Oh, god, how big are\ncanadian bathtubs?", "(bell dings)\nloretta:\nPeople ever line up", "Like this for your mom's eggs?", "Loretta, even I could make\nbetter eggs than this.", "Oh, I'd love it\nif you'd come teach me", "How to make scrambled eggs.", "It's a scramble-off,\neverybody!", "A scramble-off\nto the death!", "Someone go watch\nfor the cops!", "Maybe we should have read up\non this town", "Before booking our wedding.", "Let's do some,\n\"when you... I feel.\"", "All right, for example,", "When you don't\ndo trust falls,", "I feel like you\nshould do trust falls.", "So just do the\ndamn trust falls.", "I'm driving a car, clint.", "Okay,", "Uh, daphne, when you say\n\"drill, baby, drill\"", "Every time\nthat we pass a gas station,", "I feel invalidated.", "Marshall, when you talk,\nI feel shut up!", "That's very good, both of you.", "Really? Both of us?", "Name one energy\nthat's better than oil.", "Wind, solar, hydroelectric.", "You see what I've been dealing\nwith, clint?", "\u00c2\u00b6 the sticky petroleum\nclings... \u00c2\u00b6", "Please not now, clint.", "\u00c2\u00b6 to the pelican's\nbroken wings \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 hey, mr. Oilman,\nwhat have you done... \u00c2\u00b6", "Stop, stop, stop, please.\nEnough! Clint,", "(marvin crying)\nI'm tired of your beard\nand I'm tired", "Of this stupid\ntherapy session.\nAnd I'm tired", "Of the way that your songs have\na-a laxative effect on marvin!", "And on me. Every time\nclint starts singing,", "I just got to go.\nYeah.", "It's like, uh, the only\ntrust fall when you sing", "Is that I \"trust\"\nthat a piece of poop", "Is gonna \"fall\" out\nof my son's butt.", "(laughs)", "Hey, clint, how about that?", "You got us to agree\non something.\nYeah.", "We both think you're a loser.\n(laughs)", "This therapy works.", "No!", "That is not the way\ntherapy works at all!", "Do you think this is\nsome kind of a joke?!", "This is my career!", "I will not go back to\ncoaching the browns!", "Why can't people take", "What I do seriously?!", "God!\n(grunting)", "(marvin crying)", "(strained):\nOh, my god. One more.", "Oh, my god. Okay. Oh, my god.", "(panting)", "God, that was a lot of stairs.\nI'm exhausted.", "My chest is on fire.", "Oh.", "Ooh! So, mr. Arch-itect,", "What do we do now?", "Fall in love or something?", "Narrator:\nAnd, kids, as I stood\non that lighthouse", "And looked at that girl, I felt\nsomething happen inside me,", "Something that had only\nhappened one other time", "In my entire adult life.", "(retches)", "Robin:\nOkay, scrambled eggs.", "Here we go.", "Where is the egg opener?", "Never mind. I'll pre-scramble\nthem. It's fine.", "Okay, fine, loretta.\nYou know what? You win.", "I don't\nknow how", "To cook egg.", "If you don't even know how\nto make scrambled eggs,", "I just worry what\nkind of breakfast", "You're gonna be serving\nmy grandchildren.", "Well, lucky you", "Because that is one thing you\nwon't ever have to worry about.", "Mom, robin\ncan't have kids.", "Every single job I take on,\nit's always the same!", "\"the coffee maker has to stay\nin the office, clint!\"", "\"you still have to wear pants\non casual Friday, clint!\"", "\"we didn't", "Hire you, clint!\"", "Well, god,\nI'm-I'm...", "I'm just sick of it. I'm si...", "Ow. Ow. Oh, I can hear\nmy blood right now.", "I'm having an attack.\nI'm having a blood attack.", "Yeah. Pull over. I need...\nI-I need to meditate.", "I got to get my heart rate down.\nI'll... Ow! Pull over.", "We're in the middle of nowhere.\nPull over!", "Zitch dog, labradoodle\nin a ford fusion! Ow!", "God...", "Robin can't have kids?", "But you always wanted children.", "No, I always liked children.", "I've always wanted a lamborghini\nwhere there's a hot tub inside.", "God, I wish that existed.", "So no grandkids.", "How long have you known\nabout this?", "I found out last fall.", "Robin and I had been\nhanging out downtown", "At this very cool secret bar.", "(dance music playing)\nwhat a lovely place!", "Have you ever had\nsushi that fresh?", "Okay, I am never getting\non a mechanical bull again.", "(chuckles)", "I can't believe marshall\nand lily missed out.", "Promise me,\nif you ever have kids,", "You'll sometimes get\na babysitter", "And come have an epic night.", "Oh, and, p.S., bring the\nbabysitter, she sounds dirty.", "Actually, I, uh,\nI can't have kids,", "So that's not an issue.", "Really?", "Yeah.", "Is it weird\nthat I'm hugging you like this?", "No, it's not weird.", "Now it's weird. Mm-hmm.\nYep, the rain makes it weird.", "Mom, I'm not marrying\nsome future possibility", "Of starting a family.", "I'm marrying a girl.", "Who means more to me than kids.", "Or my career.", "Or even the lambor-cuzzi,\npatent pending.", "So please...", "...Be nice to her?", "Daphne:\nThis is ridiculous.", "Get out there\nand drag clint's", "Downward-facing ass back in here\nso we can get going.", "Just let him do his thing.", "(sighs)", "Do you know why\nthe daphnes of the world", "Always get to pick the music", "And the marshalls pay\nall the tolls?", "Because\nthe marshalls", "Are so concerned", "With letting everybody\ndo their thing,", "And the daphnes\nare taking care of daphne.", "You can talk to me about solar\nor wind or hydro-whatever,", "But the world is always gonna\npush you around, marshall.", "Until you learn\nto go nuclear.", "(tribal drums playing)", "(starts engine)", "What are you doing?", "Is this real?", "Are you doing this?", "We need some driving music.", "No!", "You threw a live grenade\ninto my marriage.", "You screwed up my whole world.", "So from now on...", "We listen to my music.", "\u00c2\u00b6 but I would walk 500 miles", "\u00c2\u00b6 and I would walk 500 more...", "I hate this song.", "Give it time.", "Zitch dog, beagle\nin a beetle.", "Don't let loretta\nget to you.", "Hey, when your mom gets here,\ndo you want to all go--", "I don't know--\navoid jellyfish?", "She's not coming.", "What?", "I finally got a hold of her.", "She, um, never got on the plane.", "She was too scared.", "She won't be\nat her daughter's wedding.", "(\"try a little tenderness\"\nby otis redding playing)", "If that is the case...", "Can we tell barney\nshe's super fat?", "It would mean the world to me.", "(chuckles)", "Of course.", "Oh, here we go.", "Listen, robin...\nLoretta,", "Not now. Robin just found out", "Her mom's not coming\nto the wedding.", "Oh.", "Well, uh, okay.", "Loretta...", "My name's mom.", "Don't you ever call me\nanything else.", "I'm mom.", "Okay.", "Mom.", "I'm sorry.\nSometimes I get...", "...Carried away.", "Your eggs are great, by the way.", "Lily:\nOh, mama,", "That was some bad advice.", "Thanks, lil.", "But you know what sucks?", "When I was\nat the top", "Of that lighthouse,", "Despite everything else...", "Wow. It's like traveling\nback in time.", "Just stop talking.", "(sighs)", "...It was breathtaking.", "And I wasted it.", "I mean, how many places\nhave I ruined forever", "By being there\nwith the wrong girl?", "So come back\nwith the right girl.", "I don't know.", "I'm starting to think a person\ngets a certain allotment", "Of lighthouses per lifetime.", "And I've used all mine up.", "Narrator:\nAnd that, kids, is the kind\nof stupid thing you say", "Before you've met the person\nwho hits the reset button", "On the world,\nwho makes everything new again,", "Who makes it seem ridiculous", "That you ever considered\nsettling,", "Because not two years later...", "Look at that.", "It's like traveling\nback in time.", "That is exactly what I said.\n(chuckles)", "Why couldn't it have been you\nhere with me two years ago?", "That's probably\nfor the best.", "When you vomit, I vomit.", "You know that.", "(chuckles)\nwell, thanks for being\nhere with me now.", "Thanks for bringing me.", "Wow.", "It is just\nbonkers beautiful here.", "I don't know how you could\nimprove on a day like this.", "Well, I'm gonna try.", "Whoa.", "Will you...", "Yes.", "You didn't even let me...", "Yes.", "Marry me?", "Yes, yes, yes, yes.", "Yes, yes... Yes.", "(chuckles)", "\u00c2\u00b6 just try,\ntry a little tenderness \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 yeah, yeah, yeah, you got to", "\u00c2\u00b6 know how to love her, man", "\u00c2\u00b6 take this advice, man", "\u00c2\u00b6 you got to squeeze her", "\u00c2\u00b6 don't tease her.", "(inhales deeply)", "(exhales)", "Son of a bitch!"], "How I Met Your Mother S09E09 Platonish": ["Ted: Your mom's not coming\nto the wedding?", "Okay, seriously,\nI-I need to stop crying", "Does anyone know how\nto turn this off?", "Is there, like, a button\nor something?", "Want me to feel\naround for it?", "It's probably\nsomewhere on your back.", "Stop it.\nWhat? I'm trying\nto cheer you up.", "I don't think that's possible\nat this point.", "Challenge accepted!", "No, barney,", "I just need to get myself\nto stop crying, that's all.", "Boogity-boo!", "Lily, what the hell?!\nIt's not the hiccups.", "I was just going on a hunch.", "(hiccups)\nand now I have the hiccups.", "Look, guys, just, seriously,\ndon't worry about me, okay?", "Just let me deal\nwith this on my own.", "I'm afraid that's\nnot possible, robin.", "Once I've accepted a challenge,\nit cannot be unaccepted.", "I will not rest\nuntil the job is done.", "Oh, is that so?", "Then where are our diapers\nand samosas?", "Aha!", "Narrator: Diapers and samosas.\nOh, that's about something", "That happened six months\nearlier in the fall of 2012.", "Both:\nMajor craving for a mojito.", "Oh, god, we're back", "To your stupid little\nprivate joke again?", "Are you guys really still doing\nthis seven years later?", "It's so annoying. Just stop it.", "Private joke again?", "Are you guys really still\ndoing this seven years later?", "It's so annoying.\nJust stop it.", "You don't salute a private!", "I'll be right back.\nAll right.", "Lily, are you playing\nfootsie with me?", "What?", "Oh, no, no. I was just feeling\naround for your shin.", "My shin? Why would you...?", "Ow! Why'd you do that?", "To remind you what pain is.", "You keep it up with all the\ncutesy-tootsy stuff with robin,", "Gonna be a whole lot more\nwhere that came from.", "Lily, you have nothing\nto worry about.", "I better not.\nYou and robin are platonic.", "Please.\nTed and robin\nare not platonic.", "Just like me and robin\nare not platonic.", "Just like no two single\npeople in the world\nare ever platonic.", "Symposium: Two people\nare only platonic if", "In the next 20 minutes\nthere is no chance\nof them hooking up.", "Truth is, I only know\nof one genuinely platonic\nrelationship.", "You and me.", "Don't make me laugh, lily.", "You want to hit this\nso hard.", "Seriously, she's playing\nfootsies with me as I... Ow!", "No, I'm talking\nabout marshall and robin.", "Narrator:\nMarshall and robin wouldn't\nhook up even if this happened:", "Marshall, robin!", "If you guys don't full-on\nmake out in the next 20 minutes,", "They're gonna blow me up\nand everyone in this bar!", "My god, no!\nAnyone but robin.", "I really don't want\nto do this!", "Guys, we have no time!\nJust do it!", "I'm sorry, baby,\nI just, I can't do it.", "Aw...", "(explosion)", "And the only survivor\nwas me", "Because I was upstairs\nbanging ted's mom.", "What? Get that blond girl's\nphone number?", "Challenge accepted.", "(phone rings)", "Unknown caller, stop calling me.", "Are you gonna answer it?", "Yeah, 'cause it's 1994", "And I'm gonna pick up a phone", "Without knowing who's on\nthe other end.", "I should get going.", "Lily, by every definition\nof the word platonic,", "Including barney's fake one,\nI can say", "With total certainty...", "That brussels sprouts", "Are the comeback vegetable\nof the 21st century.", "Well, see you guys later.", "Bye.", "Challenge completed.", "I'm sorry. I-I missed\nthe first half of this.", "A drunk chick sitting alone\nand rubbing a tan line", "On her finger where a wedding\nring used to be, a challenge?", "Because I said\nchallenge accepted.", "See? That's your problem,\nbarney.", "You only accept challenges\nyou came up with.", "Just once,\nI'd like to see you accept", "Someone else's challenge.", "Challenge acc...\nWait-- what's the challenge?", "Interesting. An opportunity rife\nwith possibilities.", "We need to find something", "With just the right amount\nof poetic...", "Get a girl's number\nwhile talking like a dolphin!", "That works.", "(chittering like a dolphin)", "Open your eyes, ref!\nThat's not a pregnant lady!", "It's a basketball\nunder his shirt!", "Blow the freakin'\nwhistle!", "Anyways, barney's right;", "I would absolutely\nlet the bar blow up.", "But you'd die, and\nlily would die, too.", "Yeah, but then we could\nhaunt the bar for eternity", "Like we always planned.\nAnyways, robin's your girl.", "Why do we keep\ncoming back to this?", "It's fun. Tickets are cheap.\nGets us out of the house.", "No, me and robin.", "Because robin told me that\nshe's still in love with you.", "Are you serious?\nRobin told you that she's", "Still in love with me?", "No, I just made that up.", "But it was worth it\nbecause I can tell", "By that look on your face\nthat you still have\nfeelings for robin.", "Okay, ball is sitting\non the basket!", "That's not only illegal,\nit's unsafe!", "Come on, gens, d up!", "It's this monastery\nin connecticut out\nin the woods,", "And the nuns there,\nthey make this\ngourmet cheese.", "It's just amazing.", "(chittering)", "Wow, was that\nthree glasses of wine?", "Where does the time go", "(chitters)", "(chuckles) look, I know\nthat you need", "To get back\nto your studies.", "Maybe we could get together\nsome other time?", "(clicking, chittering)", "No! Not possible!", "It was the performance\nof a lifetime.", "Man, if I'd have hung around\nfor a few more minutes,", "I probably could have", "Gotten her\nto touch my blowhole.\nGive me that.", "(distant phone rings)", "Hello?", "Hi, did you just give\nyour phone number to a guy", "Who was squeaking\nlike a dolphin?", "(chuckles)\nyeah.", "Honey, listen to me.", "I need you to take\na year, a full year", "And just be\ncelibate, okay?", "No boys.", "One year.", "I think you know\nI'm right about this.", "You're right.", "Yeah.", "That was heartbreaking", "And pants-breaking\nboing-oing-oing!", "All right, next challenge.", "Oh, this is an all-night thing?", "Okay, um, pick up a girl...", "Wearing a garbage bag.", "(scoffs)\nI'd be \"glad\" to.", "Just hope she's not too \"hefty.\"", "And those are all of the brands\nof trash bags I can think of.", "I'm not done.", "You also can't use\nthe letter \"e.\"", "Challng... Accptd-d.", "You're single,\nshe's single,", "It's time to do this.", "You're only saying this\nbecause you bet lily", "That robin and I would\nend up together,", "And you want\nthat five bucks.", "I need that five bucks, ted.", "But more importantly,\nI need you to be happy.", "Marshall, we're platonic.", "But you're not platonic!", "You are 20 short minutes away\nfrom happily ever after.", "I mean, if you left\nright now.", "Hey.", "I have loved you from\nthe moment we met.", "I know we're meant\nto be together.", "I don't want to waste\nanother second without you.", "Let's give it\nanother shot.", "Okay!", "No!\n(buzzer sounds)", "Pay up, baby.\nPay up.", "Ted:\nOh, yes!", "\u00c2\u00b6 sweet, sweet five bucks,\nyou soon will be mine \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 even though lily\nand I share bank accounts \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 you're already mine\nto begin with. \u00c2\u00b6 sorry.", "And you and robin get\na lifetime of happiness,\nso there's that.", "But you better hurry up", "Before some other guy\nsnatches her up.", "Really? And who's\nmy competition?", "Okay, don't use the letter \"e.\"\ndon't use the letter \"e.\"", "Hey.", "Damn it.", "Hi. I... Am...", "Barney. Damn it!", "There's an e\nin my name!", "Hi. My word for...", "This guy is barno.", "Barno. You look...", "Not ugly.", "(chuckles)", "Your... Dial thing...", "Is what?", "Do you want\nto just go back to my place?", "Yes. Damn it!", "I want to buy you a drink.", "But first, what do I call you?", "Elaine edelstein.", "How about I just call you...", "Tomorrow?", "Your digits, m'lady?", "Seriously, guys,", "You're gonna have\nto try harder than that.", "Challenge accepted.", "Excuse me, hi.", "I'm ryan gosling's\npersonal assistant.", "He saw you\nas you were walking in,", "And he sent me over\nto tell you to wait here.", "Be cool. This is real, okay?", "But listen, ryan is super shy.", "Aw...\nI know.", "Which means that if he comes in\nhere and he sees you talking", "To some other guy, he's gonna\nturn right around and leave.", "Nod if you understand.", "Redhead at the bar.", "Challenge accepted.", "Hey, there.\nGet away from me!", "It's like you're trying\nto lose, eddie!", "Hey, eddie,\nlast time I saw", "This many turnovers\nwas at a bakery.\nOh!", "So are you doing\nthis or what?\nNo.", "And for the record,\nif I were gonna do it,", "I wouldn't just be, like,\n\"hey, we should get\nback together.\"", "Amateur hour.", "Here's how you do it.", "Excuse me. Okay, sorry.", "(text alert sounds)\nsorry.", "Huh.", "Stop, thief!", "Marshall:\nThe blue french horn,\nit's so romantic!", "Oh, my god, do you know\nwho you are?!", "You're nicholas sparks!", "Hey, everybody, we got\na, uh, celebrity", "In the crowd over here.\nWe got, uh, nicholas sparks!", "You didn't let me finish.", "Ted, listen...", "(buzzer sounds)", "I can do without reliving that.", "Are you completely blind?", "What?", "Open your eyes, ref!", "The ball hasn't touched\nthe ground in seven minutes!", "Hey, ref, check\nyour voicemail!", "I think you've missed\na few calls!", "(scoffs)", "Are you completely blind?!", "Wait-- me or...?", "You, ted!", "Robin has changed her mind.", "No, robin doesn't change\nher mind.", "Except that she does.", "Remember how she\nused to claim to hate\nwhite guy funk bands?", "And yet, at the farewell\nperformance of my band,", "\"the funk, the whole funk\nand nothing but the funk,\"", "There's robin\nrhythmically nodding her head", "And shouting out a request\nfor \"give up the funk.\"", "I think she was nodding her head\nin response to my question,", "\"do you want\nto leave soon?\"", "And she was\nlegitimately suggesting", "That you give up the funk.", "Can we just drop this?\nI have moved on.", "Well, except that you haven't.", "You didn't just come up with\nthis blue french horn thing.", "You've thought about this.", "Eddie:\nMr. Sparks?", "I loved the notebook.", "Eddie, you're down by 80.", "Will you watch the game?", "Do not come any closer!", "I swear to god I will kill you.", "It's cool.\nI'm not gonna come any closer.", "You're looking at the door,\nyou're waiting for someone.", "Someone important,\nsomeone who will fill", "An empty space in your life.", "A movie star?", "Ah-huh.", "But which one?", "Clooney,", "Dicaprio, zabka...?", "No...", "I'm gonna go with ryan...", "Reyn...", "Phil-phillip...", "Seacr... Gosling...", "Ryan gosling!", "Yes, I'm waiting\nfor ryan gosling, okay?", "Now, leave me alone.", "You passed my test, girl.", "Ryan?\nRobin: No.", "Just... No.", "I told her I'm a method actor.", "And I had to get plastic surgery", "For an upcoming role\nwhere I play a man", "Much more handsome than myself.", "Congratulations, you win.", "Win? No, I don't want to win.", "I want to keep playing.\nMore challenges.", "Fine, you want\nanother challenge?", "More challenges,\nmore challenges.", "Fine, here's your challenge.", "Go down to the pharmacy\nand buy some diapers.", "And, uh, get me a samosa\nfrom the indian place.", "Sounds like an errand.", "While picking up a girl.", "Challenge accepted!", "Come on!", "Whatever happened to the guy", "Who wasn't afraid to charge", "Headlong into the unknown?", "What unknown?", "Sure, eight years ago", "When I stole\nthat blue french horn, yeah.", "That was the unknown.", "But now? I mean, how many times\nhave we been here?", "I know exactly\nwhat's gonna happen.", "You know who else knew exactly\nwhat was gonna happen, ted?", "The washington generals\non January 5, 1971.", "They knew they were gonna lose,\nbut they went in there anyway,", "And then gave it\ntheir best shot.", "And they won that game, ted!", "For one reason\nand for one reason only.", "A scoring error and the fact\nthat curly neal had the flu?", "Perseverance.", "It was the only win\nin generals history,", "But that's all you need.", "Just one win.", "(cell phone ringing)", "I'm gonna go\ngrab us some beers.", "(clicks tongue)", "Hi, I don't know who this is\nor what you're trying to sell,", "But you are disturbing me\nduring the globetrotters.", "Hello, ted,\nit's hammond druthers.", "Target acquired.", "I'm recruiting volunteers", "For the starving puppy orphanage\nwhere I work.", "For free.", "So, if you wouldn't mind just\nwriting your number down", "On this signup sheet...?", "Listen, I appreciate\nthat you feel", "Like you need my number.", "Um.", "Maybe it's because\nyou're really sad", "About something\nand this is your way", "Of feeling better\nabout yourself.", "But...", "Since I have a boyfriend,\nand I'm pretty sure", "I heard you call me a target\nearlier over there,", "Wha...?\nI'm gonna go ahead", "And not give you my number.", "I'm gonna give you\nsomething even better.", "Wow, right to the chase.", "Meet you in aisle six.", "I'm gonna give you this.\nOkay.", "It's gonna be okay.", "You're a good guy.", "You will get through this.", "Uh, okay.", "Weirdo alert.", "(chuckles)", "(scoffs)", "Have you met...?", "(groans)", "Excuse me.", "What do you mean \"sad\"?", "Hammond druthers:\nTed?", "I'm calling you\nfrom chicago, illinois", "Where I'm a key player", "In a very successful\narchitectural firm.", "Oh, yeah, I read about that.", "All right,\nabout what you read...", "You built\nthat big concave glass tower.", "And it melted a few buildings\nacross the street.", "Yes, fine, but come on.", "What architect has made\na major design flaw", "That raised the temperature\nof the city aquarium", "To 190 degrees", "And killed thousands\nof very rare fish?", "That's the past, ted.\nI'm looking forward.", "I want you on my team.", "And I won't take no\nfor an answer.", "No.\nI don't think you heard me, ted.", "No.\nCome on, ted!", "Please?", "They're gonna give me\na parking spot if you say yes.", "Do I get a parking spot?\nWell, we can go tandem.", "No.\nEvery other week then?", "No.\nYou know, chicago's\nmore of a walking town.", "No.\nAll right!", "You can have the parking spot.", "So, that's a yes?", "Mm, no.\nLook, ted.", "I can make your life\nvery difficult.", "How?\nHow?!", "I will call you a lot.", "I will tweet at you like crazy.", "I will live\non your facebook wall!", "We're not facebook friends.", "Yeah, what's going on with that?", "It's been pending, like,\nfor eight months now.", "Look, ted, you're a...", "A very hot commodity.", "Everybody loves the gnb tower.", "And how it hasn't blinded\nany pilots", "On final approach into o'hare.", "(laughs)", "And I-I may have told", "The partners here\nthat you and I are", "Very, very good friends.", "So, please, just say\nthat you'll think about it.", "Fine.", "I'll think about it.", "Druthers shoots, he scores!", "Sad? Lady, I got 14 girls'\nnumbers in the last hour.", "And this was an off night.\n(chuckles)", "What can I possibly\nbe sad about?", "I think you were in love\nand you messed it up.", "And every moment of your life\nsince then", "Has been spent trying to stay\nbusy enough to ignore that fact.", "Narrator:\nAnd that's how barney met\nyour mother.", "Well, the generals lost.", "What a nail biter--\nthe whole fourth quarter", "My heart was in my throat.", "What was the final?", "216 to 12.", "Nobody talk to me right\nnow, I can't even...", "The strangest thing\nhappened at the game.", "I got a phone call\nfrom an unknown number.", "And when I answered I...", "You're eating olives.", "Yup.", "Do you want these?", "I hate olives.", "I... Thought you hate olives.", "(laughs)\nI guess I changed my mind.", "(phone ringing)", "Ah!", "Hello, partner!", "Boy, that just sounds right,\ndoesn't it?", "Yeah, actually, mr. Druthers.", "My answer is no.", "What? No, ted, come on!", "I'm sorry, I still have things\nto do here in new york.", "I am going to build\na tower of glass", "And melt you with it!", "No, you won't.\nNo, I won't, but know this.", "After today", "This offer", "Is gone forever.", "When I hang up this phone,\nyou and I are done.", "The door is closed!\nOkay.", "The door's always open, ted.", "If you change your mind,\njust call me back, okay?", "Bye.", "I think he's coming around.", "We tried dating a while back", "And it was a disaster.", "But I-I always regret giving up.", "It just ended so quickly.", "(quiet laugh)", "What about you?", "You and your boyfriend\ngonna go the distance?", "I don't know.", "I think maybe I still\nhaven't met the right guy.", "Hmm.", "I wonder if I know someone\nto set you up with.", "Drawing a blank.", "Are you gonna\ngo get this girl?", "Or what?", "I don't know.", "I'm kind of\nat my peak right now.", "I don't know if I can\njust walk away from the game.", "Do you want to keep playing\nor do you want to win?", "I want to win.", "What am I doing?", "In less than 20 minutes,\nrobin and I could be...", "Oh, no, no, no, no, no.", "It's gonna take a lot more\nthan 20 minutes.", "This is gonna take everything\nyou have got.", "This is gonna take all of your\ntime, all of your attention.", "All of your resources.", "This is the big one.", "Diaper man.", "You got to do it right.", "Can't be messing around,", "Picking up girls in drug stores.", "\u00c2\u00b6 it's only time", "You got work to do.", "\u00c2\u00b6 it's only time \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 it's only time", "\u00c2\u00b6 what could stop...", "We're not platonic.", "Platon-ish, maybe.", "If that's even a word.", "But not platonic.", "\u00c2\u00b6 it's only time...", "I mean, there's\nsomething between us.", "And there always will be.", "\u00c2\u00b6 if rain won't...", "If this was eight years ago,", "I'd be jumping\ninto a cab right now", "To go steal\nthat blue french horn.", "Well, why don't you?", "I don't know.", "Just doesn't seem to work\nthat way anymore.", "I used to be in such a hurry\nall the time, you know?", "Everything was so urgent.", "Now, I just, I don't know,\nI figure...", "It's gonna happen, it'll happen\nwhen it happens.", "I'm not going anywhere,\nshe's not going anywhere.", "What's the rush, right?", "\u00c2\u00b6 and swim your sea \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 and swim", "\u00c2\u00b6 your sea", "\u00c2\u00b6 marry me", "I have no idea\nwho that girl was.", "But she set me straight.", "After that, I had one challenge\nand one challenge only.", "Get robin scherbatsky", "To fall in love with me.", "Challenge completed.", "\u00c2\u00b6 why would I stop loving you\na hundred years from now? \u00c2\u00b6"], "How I Met Your Mother S09E10 Mom and Dad": ["Narrator:\nTwo days before barney\nand robin's wedding,", "Their reverend passed away,", "And the search was on\nfor a replacement.", "(phone rings)\nbarney:\nOh, boy, it's the creepy,", "Bug-eyed minister\nfrom that culty church", "Who kept asking us\nif we're \"pure enough to die.\"", "He's our best lead.\nI should get this.", "James, unless\nyou have a minister,", "I don't want to hear it.", "You mean, like this one?", "Narrator:\nA few years back,", "Barney's brother james finally\nmet his long-lost father, sam,", "Who turned out\nto be a reverend.", "I know pronounce\nyour asses saved.", "Whoa!", "Narrator:\nReverend gibbs wouldn't be\nthe only vip arrival that day.", "Barney:\nDad!", "Barney. Oh, I can't believe\nyou're getting married.", "You've grown up so fast.", "Then again, I did miss\nabout 30 years of your life.", "Did I mention we got you\ntwo things from your registry?", "Hey, can we buy you guys\na drink in a bit?", "Sure. We'll meet you\nat the bar.", "Yeah. (laughs)", "Here.\nAll right.", "Hey.", "Oh. Whoa. Look.", "My dad hasn't seen\nmy mom in years,", "Not since he bailed on her.", "Oh, man, take it from a\nfellow child of divorce,", "This could\nget real messy.", "Loretta, good to see you.", "You, too, jerry.", "(gasps)\nwow.", "Yeah. Thank\ngod, no drama.", "They're in love!", "My mom and dad are getting\nback together again!", "Uh-oh.", "", "Hey, quick favor.", "I want to give this\nto robin.", "Gretzky's her hero.", "She says his name sometimes\nin bed. I've accepted it.", "Can you, uh, hide it for me\ntill the rehearsal dinner?", "The best man is on it.", "Great. Now I'm gonna go get\nmy mom and dad back together.", "They're totally in love.\nI know. It's amazing.", "I'm walking on air.", "My family's gonna be\nwhole again!", "Should we stop him or something?", "The best man is staying\non the gretzky thing.", "\u00c2\u00b6 well, I would walk\n500 miles and \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 I would walk 500 more", "\u00c2\u00b6 just to be the man\nwho walked a thousand miles \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 then falls down\nat your door. \u00c2\u00b6", "Ha!", "You're right.", "That crap grows on you.", "Again?", "Proclaim it!", "(intro to song starts)", "Hey. So there I am,", "Lying in the wet, filthy sand\nunder the patio,", "Just minding my own business,\nwhen my dad bumps into my mom,", "And he says-- get this--", "He says to her,\n\"weather's improving, huh?\"", "(giggling)", "It's like, why don't you\njust do it already? Huh?", "Barney, I know you've always\ndreamed of a reunited family,", "But... Jerry's married.", "So what? Marriage is just\na meaningless piece of paper.", "I'm a lucky gal.", "Sweetie, this just\nisn't gonna happen.", "Now, please promise me", "You haven't already put\nsome crazy scheme in motion.", "I haven't put\nsome crazy scheme in motion.", "Why did you pause?", "I didn't pause.", "Why did you pause?!", "Ah. Hey, there.", "Hi.", "Barney texted me\nto meet him asap,", "But the stairs\nare wet.", "No, broken.", "Yeah, the stairs\nare broken.", "Yeah. I got the same text.", "(elevator thumps, stops)\noh.", "Barney, jerry has a wife.", "Oh, god, what did you do\nto the wife?", "So, my husband", "Snuck off to go parasailing,\nand he wants me to join him?", "Yes.", "Who is ready to rock it", "Scottish-identical-\ntwin-brothers style?", "\u00c2\u00b6 when I wake up", "(scottish accent):\n\u00c2\u00b6 yeah, I know I'm gonna be", "\u00c2\u00b6 I'm gonna be the man\nwho ends up next to you... \u00c2\u00b6", "Oh, man, I hope they're not\nsinging to the same girl.", "Or to each other.", "Shut up! Music sucks!", "Scotland sucks! You suck!", "Just drive, pumpkin head.", "Barney:\nHey, guys, don't worry.", "Help's on the way.", "Oh! Thank you, barney.\nThank you, honey.", "In the meantime,", "I'll try to keep you two\nas comfortable as possible.", "(r&b music playing)\n\u00c2\u00b6 I said, bang...", "Well, we don't need wine.", "\u00c2\u00b6 bang", "\u00c2\u00b6 bangity bang...", "We don't need champagne,\neither. We need help!", "This could be very unsafe!", "Oh.", "I'll say something.", "No. You've had a whole\nlifetime of this. Let me.\nOh.", "Barney, are you thinking", "You can get your mother\nand me back together?", "Because I'm married.", "My wife is right upstairs!", "No, she's not.", "What's that?\nNothing!", "I'm just trying\nto keep you refreshed", "Through this unexpected and\nflukish elevator malfunction!", "Here's some water!", "Ah... Drat.", "Clumsy hands much, barney?", "Just disrobe\nand send up those wet clothes.", "You'll be cold, so I'll send\ndown strawberry warming gel", "And some cozy, zippered masks.", "(sighs):\nOoh.", "(gasps)\nmy calligraphy ink!", "I mean, the gretzky photo!", "Some bastard\nsnuck into my room", "And spilled ink\nall over the gretzky photo", "I was holding for barney.", "Detective mosby is on the case.", "Oh, god,\nthat's horrible.\nI know.", "It was a gift for robin.", "No, I mean,", "\"oh, god, that's horrible.\nDetective mosby's the worst.\"", "Mm, detective mosby is", "The case-crackingest\nprivate dick on the scene.", "Really? Like that case\nfrom eight years ago", "You still haven't cracked?", "I'm callin' it.", "Damn it!", "My greatest failure.", "I will solve this case.", "Now, there were\nthree people nearby", "When barney gave me\nthat head shot:", "Karate kid bad boy billy zabka,", "A shifty-eyed bellhop,", "And robin's cousin claude\nfrom quebec", "With the neck trouble.", "Right, 'cause an elaborate\nconspiracy is much more likely", "Than you leaving the photo\nnext to an open ink bottle.", "Thank you!\nYou can't even\ndetect sarcasm!", "Why don't you just\ntry to fix the photo?", "Don't you have ink remover?", "Of course I have ink remover.", "I'm not one of those sloppy,\npunk calligraphers", "Who's in it\nfor glory over craft.", "No, we got to solve this!", "Now, the question is,", "Which of those three suspects\nhad the most cause to frame me?", "The one that I replaced\nas barney's best man?", "I'm coming for you, mosby.", "Billy zabka!", "Okay, real quick,\nI need fresh-cut", "English lavender, a copy of\nshakespeare's 18th sonnet,", "And enough nutella\nto cover a 60-year-old woman.", "Oh, great. You guys escaped.", "Got rescued!", "Are you okay?", "A bit shaken up.", "Being trapped\nin an elevator is scary.", "No, barney lowered in a tv", "Showing some pretty\ngraphic 1970s pornography.", "Still, a lot\nof familiar faces in there.", "Well, not just faces.", "I'm gonna go\nfind my wife.", "(sighs)\nnice job, bro.", "Mom was just about\nto get some action", "For the first time\nsince she conceived me.", "Barney, this has to stop.", "You're being delusional.", "Mom is not getting back\ntogether with jerry.\n(sighs)", "Because she's getting back\ntogether with my daddy!", "I see what you're doing.", "You didn't bring your dad here\nto marry us.", "You want him to get back\ntogether with mom!", "Which is completely insane,\nby the way.", "Um, my dad's single,\nmom's single.", "Your dad's happily married\nwith two kids.", "Which one makes more sense?", "I agree. It's a tie.", "What do we do?", "You back down", "And let me get my mom\nand dad back together?", "Um, how about you back down", "And let me get my mom and dad\nback together?", "(scoffs)\nI can already picture it.", "(peppy music plays)", "\u00c2\u00b6 we're reunited\nand we're going so strong \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 my wife died parasailing\nand I've moved on \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 and now our barney-boy\nwill always be near \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 I'll come to live with you\nand it won't be weird \u00c2\u00b6", "Of course not, wuv-wuv!", "\u00c2\u00b6 back together\nand forever we'll be \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 mom", "\u00c2\u00b6 and dad", "\u00c2\u00b6 and barney makes three", "We love you, champ!", "\u00c2\u00b6 and I'll live here, too,\nsince we're married \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 and I'm totally cool\nwith it! \u00c2\u00b6", "(scoffs)", "That's completely insane.", "This is how\nit's gonna be.", "\u00c2\u00b6 we're reunited\nand I'm feeling so glad \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 I'm so much sexier\nthan barney's dad \u00c2\u00b6", "(plays flourish)", "\u00c2\u00b6 back together, now\nour life's right on track \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 but she's banging my dad\nbehind your dad's back \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 when you're at work,\nI'm all over her rack \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 that's not true\n\u00c2\u00b6 yes, it is", "\u00c2\u00b6 that's not funny", "\u00c2\u00b6 mom, break the news", "\u00c2\u00b6 okay, we're screwin'\nlike bunnies \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 I'll kick your ass", "\u00c2\u00b6 I'd like to\nsee you try \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 well, my dad would win\nin a fight \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 no, my dad would win\nin a fight \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 no\n\u00c2\u00b6 yeah", "\u00c2\u00b6 my dad would win\n\u00c2\u00b6 yeah", "\u00c2\u00b6 in a fight\n\u00c2\u00b6 yeah!", "No, my dad would\nwin in a fight!\nNuh-uh!", "Uh-huh!\nDon't fight!", "I'm marrying into this family.\nBarney:\nStop.", "You stupid!\nI won't stop.", "Where the heck is\nthis parasailing place?", "(laughs)\nyou know what?", "I'm gonna...\nI'm gonna call jerry.", "(beep)", "Oh, that's weird.", "I just lost cell reception.", "Yes.", "Weird.", "Lot of pretty paintings\nin this hotel.", "I like how\nthey've been... Framed.", "I've noticed\nthe vintage, antique,", "Gilded victorian frames, too.", "I'm not blind...\nBut what are you getting at?", "You know damn well\nwhat I'm getting at!", "You're jealous I got\nthe best mansmanship back,", "So you destroyed that photo as\npart of some diabolical scheme", "To make me look bad.", "I bet you even found some other\nphoto of wayne gretzky", "So you could swoop in\nand save the day.", "You're insane.\nAm I?", "Yeah. Yeah.\nAm I?", "Where were you today\nat 3:15 p.M.?", "Right here\ngetting a massage.", "Rocked a 60-minute\ndeep tish.", "Now if you'll excuse\nme, detective,", "I think I'll go\nhave some pineapple.", "How do you know about that?", "Everybody knows about that!", "Excuse me?\nMm?", "You destroyed that photo,\ndidn't you?", "No, I didn't.", "Admit it! I complained about you", "To the bell captain,\nso you got your revenge.", "You complained about me?", "No.", "So, claude...", "I see that you're\na montreal canadiens fan.", "Which means you hate\nthe edmonton oilers,", "Which is why you destroyed\nthe wayne gretzky head shot!", "J'accuse!", "C'est ridicule!", "If it's so ridicule,", "How do you explain this?", "Ah, seems\nlike I've caught you...", "Midnight blue-handed.", "Oh, these.\nYeah.", "I-I was out by the water when...", "An elderly r-rastafarian\nhang glider...", "He-he crash\nonto a beached squid,", "Which squirted ink\nwhen I ran in to help.", "You really expect me\nto believe that?", "Story checks out.", "Sorry, claude.", "De rien.", "I don't get it.", "We were bonding.", "I can't think of\nanything I did wrong!", "Okay, I did a few things wrong.", "For the last time,", "I did not leave the bag of\noranges you bought on the roof!", "No more breaking the\nspeed limit. And, uh,", "Thanks for flagging me down and\ntelling me she was going 67.", "Just following the rules,\nofficer.", "Oh. She's also not\nwearing her seat belt.", "You are not allowed\nto use that word!", "Only we're allowed\nto use that word!", "I am so sorry.", "I will never", "Call you or anyone else a...", "Trekkie again.", "But I apologized\nand you accepted.", "I even bought you more oranges.", "Look, it wasn't you, okay?", "Baby, I know your speech\nat the model u.N. Is a big deal,", "But I'm just not sure\nI'll make it in time.", "I'm trying.", "You know what?", "Don't bother coming.", "So, back at the airport,\nthat story was true?", "You have a daughter?", "She lives with her dad.", "And since I travel for work,\nI miss a lot of stuff.", "I only work as hard as I do\nto provide for her.", "But kids,\nthey don't understand logic.", "Kids understand who shows up.", "That's why", "Her dad's her hero...", "And I get hung up on.", "Go see your daughter's speech.", "If you show up,\nall will be forgiven.", "Just drop it.", "And drop me at home.", "Then head out to your wedding.", "End of discussion.", "Barney,\neven if your plan worked,", "You'd be destroying\nyour dad's marriage.", "Okay, you may have a point.", "Can I suggest something?", "(sighs)", "Truce?", "We both agree to drop this.", "Agreed.", "Hey, I got a replacement bottle", "Of 30-year glen mckenna.\nOkay.", "Look, even if mom\nnever gets back together", "With either one of our dads,\nwe're still brothers.", "It's not a competition.", "(chuckles)", "I win!", "Hoo-hoo!", "Get your damn\nhands off my mom!", "Get your damn hands\non my mom!", "One on, one off?", "What the hell is\ngoing on here?", "After you boys tracked sam down\na few years back,", "We got in touch.\nWe became friends again,", "Started hanging out.\nAnd then one day,", "She went from being\nloretta to being...", "Lo-ret-ta.\n(chuckles)", "We wanted to wait\nto tell you", "Because it's still new,", "But it was inevitable\nyou'd find out", "Once sam came\nto perform the ceremony.", "Is that what you\ntwo call it?", "\"performing\nthe ceremony\"?", "Oh, sam's marrying you\ntomorrow, dear.", "Right. Thank\nyou, reverend.\nLook,", "Is there any way you guys\ncan be all right with this?", "Of course I am!\n(clears throat)", "Barney?", "I know I've been acting crazy\ntoday, but...", "I just have\none real question, mom,", "And I want an honest answer.", "Is there a scenario--", "And hear me out--", "Where you might consider", "Doing kind of a three-way deal\nwith both of our dads?", "God! What is wrong with you?!\nOh, dude, come on!", "(sobs)\nthat's what I thought!", "It's time to\nadmit it, ted.", "You spilled the ink.\nThere's no conspiracy.", "I guess you're right.", "I mean, the only other person", "Who saw barney give me\nthat photo...", "Was you.", "(dramatic sting)", "Hey. Idiot.", "While you've been", "Playing detective,\nI've been cleaning up your mess.", "Look, the ink remover works.", "I'm gonna\nfinish this.", "You come clean to barney.", "(sighs):\nOkay.", "She's been\nmissing all day,", "A-and I found what appears to be\na-a suicide note on my bed.", "But it doesn't\nreally sound like her.", "\"I'm going to kill my--\nwait for it-- self.\"", "Is everything okay\nwith mr. Zabka?", "Wait. W-wait. Why do you think\nthat's billy zabka?", "(the beastie boys'\n\"sabotage\" begins)", "Woman:\nSee?", "The man from the\nlobby got this massage.", "A younger gentleman bought it\nfor him as a gift.", "He even signed his name for him.", "Right here.", "I'm telling all y'all...", "It's zabka-tage.", "\u00c2\u00b6 I can't stand it,\nI know you planned it \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 I'm gonna set it straight,\nthis watergate \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 I can't stand rocking\nwhen I'm in here \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 'cause your crystal ball\nain't so crystal clear \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 so while you sit back\nand wonder why \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 I got this ... Thorn\nin my side \u00c2\u00b6", "(shouts)", "Narrator:\nLily's second tackle\nof the weekend.", "\u00c2\u00b6 sabotage.", "Wakey, wakey.", "Daphne:\nWait, this isn't...", "It's your\ndaughter's school.", "You need to go in.", "She asked me not to come,\nmarshall.", "This doesn't make any sense.", "Kids don't understand logic.", "Kids understand who shows up.", "People say\nchildren are the future.", "I say...", "Oil is the future!", "Don't listen to these\ngutless environmental sissies!", "That's my baby.\nDrill in the oceans!", "Thank you.\nDrill in the wetlands!", "Pumpkin head.\nDrill in the\nnational parks!", "You're welcome.", "Drill, baby, drill!\nDrill, baby, drill!", "Audience (chanting):\nDrill, baby, drill!\nWe should go.", "Drill, baby, drill!\nDrill, baby, drill!", "Drill, baby, drill!\nDrill, baby, drill!", "Drill, baby, drill!", "You said it was nuts", "To think that my mom and dad\nwould get back together.", "But that's what happened\nfor james.", "I've been dreaming of that\nsince I was five.", "Well, that and my own\noperational death star.", "But mostly them\ngetting back together.", "Why does james get it\nand I don't?", "Well, think about it.", "You have me,\nyour dad has cheryl...", "\"so to summarize:", "\"I'm super dead,", "\"you should totally bone\nloretta,", "\"and I never", "Loved you, cheryl,\"", "Which is misspelled.", "...But james is going\nthrough a divorce.", "He just lost his family.", "I-I know you've been\ndreaming of this, but...", "Maybe he needs \"mom\nand dad\" more than you.", "So, billy, did you really think\nyou could get away with it?", "Actually, I did.", "Ah.\nI was gonna", "Give this to barney", "And say I'd driven an hour away", "To get a replacement\nfrom an autograph dealer.", "First, I needed an alibi.", "So I got barney's dad a massage", "But signed in my name.", "Then I switched the gretzky\nhead shot with one of myself.", "I always travel with 2,000\nof those handsome devils", "In the trunk of my car.", "I have so many questions\nfor you, but first...", "You keep 2,000 head shots\nof yourself in your trunk?", "No one ever wants them!\nThey only want", "The \"good guy's\" autograph!", "In the '80s, I was the bad guy\nin every movie.", "Do you know what my life\nhas been like?", "Every premiere,\nwhen I came on-screen...", "(crowd booing)", "I wasn't a bad guy\nin real life,", "Just a kick-ass actor.", "No one got that.", "It happened everywhere I went.", "(crowd booing)\nsomehow,\npeople always had popcorn.", "25 years of getting\ncrane-kicked in the nuts,", "Until barney stinson gave me\nthe best moment of my life.", "Hey. Hey, some issues\njust came up with ted, so...", "Will you be my best man?", "Sure.\nThanks.", "Woman:\nHello?\nMom?", "(booing)\nno, no, listen, listen.", "I just became\nsomebody's best man.", "(gasps) you can come\nto thanksgiving this year!", "To barney stinson,\nI wasn't a bad guy.", "To barney stinson, I was\nthe best man.", "I thought if ted screwed up\nagain, I'd have another shot.", "But I guess this time\nI really was the bad guy.", "Hey, ted,\nwhat's so urgent?", "I have something\nto tell you.", "(sighs)", "I destroyed\nthat gretzky head shot", "And I couldn't fix it.\nBilly saved the day", "By getting a new one\nfrom an autograph dealer nearby.", "A-an hour away.", "An hour away. Just be cool.", "Awesome. Thanks, billy!", "(chuckles)", "Ah.", "And, ted...", "I really appreciate\nthat you told the truth.", "Ow...\nPsych!", "Billy rules,\nted drools,", "Stinson out.", "You're all right, mosby.", "Narrator:\nAnd for an all too rare moment\nthat weekend,", "Everything was all right.", "(elevator thumps, stops)", "(r&b music playing)\n\u00c2\u00b6 bang bang", "\u00c2\u00b6 bangity bang\num, barney?", "Is this your way\nof saying you're supporting us?", "Barney:\nYes! Go for it.", "\u00c2\u00b6 I said bang\nconsummate your love!", "\u00c2\u00b6 bang\nthanks, bro.", "\u00c2\u00b6 bangity bang\nbut this is super weird.", "Super weird.", "\u00c2\u00b6 bang bang.", "Are we almost there?", "Almost there.", "Give me back my wife,\nyou son of a bitch!\n(screaming)"], "How I Met Your Mother S09E11 Bedtime Stories": ["Narrator: Marshall and marvin\nwere taking the bus", "On their way to long island\nto meet up with us.", "(crying)\nthere, there,\nlittle marvin.", "Let no more\ntears fall.", "We're gonna see mommy\nin no time at all.", "Hello there. I'm sorry\nfor all of the noise.", "It's been a long day\nfor the eriksen boys.", "Uh... What's with the rhyming?", "I'm glad that you ask.", "To get my son\nsleeping is no easy task.", "A few weeks ago,\nthe job fell to my wife.", "And as the poor baby cried out\nfor dear life,", "She read every book,\nbut all were no use", "Until she arrived\nat a mother named goose.", "Why, marvin...\nMarshall:\nShe noted.", "...These rhymes\nmake you tired!", "And ever since then,\nall young marvin's required", "Is one book of rhymes,\nand to dream land he goes.", "Now, what shall we read?", "Oh, crap, I left\nhis book in the car!", "(crying)", "That blows.", "(crying stops)", "Oh, no, what a bummer!", "What craptastic luck!", "Without marvin's rhyme book,\nthis ride's gonna suck!", "Does anyone here have\nsome poetry maybe?", "Or any advice?\nYeah!", "Don't have a baby!", "(laughter)", "I guess if I don't want\nyoung marvin to wake up,", "The rhymes will just have\nto be ones that I make up.", "I'll whip up some poetry\nin seconds flat!", "Oh, I know!", "This story's called\nmosby at the bat!", "The outlook wasn't brilliant\nfor poor ted's romantic life.", "He was deep into his thirties,\nand yet, still he had no wife.", "But then, one day\nwhilst grading papers,", "Life sent him a whammy.", "A physics prof named lisa", "Who'd just moved here\nfrom miami.", "Professor?", "She asked timidly.\nHe answered:", "Call me ted.\nOh.", "I don't want to bother you.", "Please, have a seat.\nHe said.", "I'm fairly new to teaching,\nand I'm looking for advice.", "Every night I practice giving\nlectures, sometimes twice.", "But when I teach", "Magnetic force,\nI just see eyeballs glazing.", "I asked around, and people say\nyour lectures are amazing.", "Which is really\nsaying something,", "Because, architecture? Yawn.", "And ted thought...", "Ted: Psh, yeah, 'cause physics\nis so interesting.", "Go on.", "It's just\nthat you're so skilled,", "And I'm a relative beginner.", "If it isn't too much trouble,\ncan I take you out to dinner?", "I'd love to get some pointers,\nand I shouldn't keep you late.", "What do you say?", "What do I say?", "Teddy westside's\ngot a date!", "All: Hooray!\nMarshall: We cheered.", "Ted's off the bench!", "Our boy's back in the game!", "Thank god, it's been\na hundred years", "Since mosby scored a dame.", "The last time he saw\nboobies was", "The screen-test\nscene in fame.", "The last girl he dated,", "I think \"righty\" was her name.", "Hold it.\nLet's not all go crazy", "Like some wild berzerkers.", "What if this is just a business\nmeal between co-workers?", "Marshall: Ted thought back\non past failed dates.", "Oh, god, that\ncould be true.", "How many times have I come\nhome to find my balls are blue?", "It all depends where ted and\nhis new fetching young floridian", "Are standing in relation\nto that puzzling meridian", "Called\n\"the international date line.\"", "That's right, new theory.", "\"what's that,\" you ask?\nNobody did.", "I'll now address your query!\nThe date line", "Is the border betwixt happiness\nand sorrow.", "On this side,\nyou go home tonight.", "On this side, home tomorrow.", "Marshall:\nAnd then, as barney made some\ngestures that were rather rude,", "Ted left to go meet lisa,\nin a rather puzzled mood.", "Was this a date?", "He simply couldn't tell\nhow he was faring.", "Then lisa showed up.", "Ted rejoiced to see\nwhat she was wearing.", "For girls at business dinners", "Don't have necklines\nthat revealing!", "But then a friendly handshake\ngave poor ted", "A sinking feeling.", "And so, the night wore on.", "And back and forth,\nthe globe rotated.", "But still, ted's curiosity was\nnever fully sated.", "How long could this continue?", "He was truly fortune's pawn.", "Then lisa saw the tv.", "Hey, the yankees game is on!", "Of baseball...\nTed observed...", "...You seem to have some\nfirsthand knowledge.", "To which the lady shrugged\nand said...", "I played softball in college.", "Now the age-old softball\nstereotype's just that,", "And nothing more.", "Yeah!\nBut as the yankees got a run,", "Ted feared he wouldn't score.", "For while the date side\nof the line's", "The one we all might guess\nhe's in,", "There'll be no joy in tedville\nif our lisa is a...", "Yes! We win!", "Then lisa took a drink\nand said...", "This may sound kind of random,", "But there actually is a reason\nfor my rabid yankee fandom.", "I guess I'll just be\nhonest here,", "Though crazy it may seem.", "My first week in new york,\nI dated someone on the team.", "Which player?", "I'm not saying.\nPlease?", "What are you, a reporter?", "Ted's mind began to race.", "The waiter came\nto take their order.", "As lisa said...", "I might like\nthe spaghetti marinara.", "Poor ted just wondered\nsilently...", "Ted:\nMariano rivera?", "Marshall:\nAnd as she said...", "I read this place has great\nchicken milano.", "All ted could bring himself\nto think was:", "Ted:\nAlfonso soriano?", "I want something hearty.", "How about blackened miso cod?", "Ted:\nIs it joe girardi?", "Holy crap, is it a-rod?!", "Okay, ted, calm down.", "You've got\nto get yourself together.", "Just smile, be charming,", "Ooze charisma,\ntalk about the weather.", "For this might be a date,", "Which means there might be\nhanky-panky.", "So, dude, be cool, relax,\ndon't even...", "Just tell me which yankee!", "I'd rather not\ndiscuss this here.", "But then again, I'd hate...", "To let a silly secret ruin\nsuch a lovely date.", "If there's", "An elephant in the room,", "Why don't we just remove it?", "I dated derek jeter.", "Here's a picture\nthat'll prove it.", "Marshall:\nAs ted looked\nat that cell phone pic,", "There were two things\nhe reckoned.", "This definitely was a date,", "But there wouldn't be a second.", "See? It worked.", "I said some rhymes,\nand out my boy did conk.", "Now let's enjoy the ride.", "(brakes screech)", "Move, jackass!\n(honk)", "(crying)", "Okay, I need a brand-new tale\nto silence marvin's chatter.", "I don't know, that last one had\nsome sketchy subject matter.", "Forgive me, but before you got\nhere, did you smoke a joint?", "You don't tell kids a tale\nthat crass!", "Narrator:\nI guess he had a point.", "I know, I said some things\nthat were,", "As you say,\nkind of questionable.", "The truth is,\nchildren marvin's age", "Aren't really\nthat impressionable.", "Do you remember anything\nfrom when you were this small?", "Pumpkin picking at age three is\nthe first thing I recall.", "Hmm.\nHuh.", "He won't remember this.\nI guess it's true.", "It better be.", "Or else we'll end up paying", "Through the nose\nfor marvin's therapy.", "Okay, buddy, nice chat,\nbut I think I need a break.", "Great idea.", "After this story!", "Robin takes the cake.", "Once in an east side bakery,", "Your debonair aunt robin was\nmaking other customers think,", "\"geez, who let this slob in?\"", "She didn't care about their\nstares, or who was looking on.", "She'd just broke up with...", "Kevin.", "No, gael. Or scooby?", "Don?", "Now, sometimes,", "When it rains it pours,", "And sometimes,\nit starts snowing,", "For as cream filling\nhit her shirt...", "Man:\nHey, robin, how's it going?", "'twas simon, her ex-boyfriend", "From her younger days\nin canada,", "But now, he looked\nquite different...", "Um...", "Rhyme.", "Uh... Thinking. Uh...", "I've just been handed\na news flash.", "The word \"canada\"\nis unrhymeable.", "It's easier to--\nI don't know--", "Get drunk and try\nto climb a bull.", "But canada, damn it,\nask any man on the planet", "And watch\ntheir stammerin' stamina", "As they clamor and cram it\ninto the middle of a sentence", "For a shot at repentance,", "Pass the problem on to all\ntheir non-rhyming descendants.", "I've never met anyone who could\nclean up after canada.", "Except my uncle tony\nfrom the bronx.", "He's a janitor.", "(applause)", "Show-off.", "Simon. Nice to see you.", "So, what brings you to new york?", "I live here now.\nWhat? Really?", "Yeah.\nThat's great.", "Can I get a fork?", "Marshall:\nHe'd always been a deadbeat", "And your classic hoser phony,", "But seeing simon all cleaned up\nhit robin like a zamboni.", "And as she looked him\nup and down,", "Young robin felt a tingle.", "Had simon blossomed finally?", "And if so, was he single?", "So great.", "She purred, whilst batting\nher eyelashes like a flooze.", "Yup, I'm engaged\nto louise marsh,", "And our pad's got a jacuzz!", "The bakery spinned,\nthe floor dropped out.", "The air was thick as syrup.", "Poor robin swooned,\nshe couldn't breathe,", "Her eyes began to tear up.", "And as she tried\nto stammer some excuse", "To get away, simon said:", "Our wedding cake is\npretty bitchin', eh?", "And so was born the worst idea\npoor robin's ever had.", "And on ted's door\nthere came a rapping.", "I did something bad.", "As robin told her tale,", "Ted knew\nshe'd made a massive boo-boo.", "For stealing someone's wedding\ncake is terribly bad juju.", "Robin, I'm beside myself\nto see what you've become!", "You must return\nthis cake at once!", "I can't!\nWhy not?", "'cause...", "Yum.", "Ted gasped, for he had never\nseen a brazen act so vicious.", "Robin felt remorse, and yet...", "Oh, god, this is delicious!", "So one piece led to two,\nthen three, then five, then 17.", "She savaged that poor cake\nlike some rapacious wolverine.", "Eating, gobbling, munching,\nso the frenzied night wore on.", "And by the time\nyour mom arrived,", "The cake was halfway gone.", "I came as soon as I got word.", "So how bad is the damage?", "See for yourself the product\nof her cake-in-gullet crammage!", "Half a cake?", "What have I done?!", "The world shall not forgive it!", "This day will live in infamy.", "I never shall outlive it!", "For I have become", "The girl that eats her feelings,\ndon't mistake it.", "I think I need to get out\nof this chair before I break it.", "Nonsense! Hogwash! Balderdash!", "Said mommy, with great fervor.", "You can't stop now,\nfor don't you see?", "To the uninformed observer,\nyou're not some sad clich\u00c3\u00a9,", "Some loser\nfrom a chick-lit story.", "You're robin, and you're half\na wedding cake away from glory!", "If you quit now,\nthen simon wins,", "The tale comes to a stop", "At how you saw\nan ex, freaked out,", "And robbed a pastry shop.", "If you have the guts, my dear,", "It's time to get empowered", "And be remembered for this", "Sweet behemoth you devoured.", "And years from now,", "The troubadour will\nraise his voice and sing", "Of the time that robin\ntook the cake.", "And ate the whole...", "Damned...", "Thing.", "Marshall:\nOnce more into the breach\nshe surged,", "As ted and mommy cheered", "And bite by bite the towering\nconfection disappeared.", "Some friends were called\nto come and watch.", "And no one had to beg.", "It soon became a party.", "Barney even got a keg.", "Forkful after forkful,\nrobin guzzled french vanilla", "Making noises not unlike those\nmade by a gorilla.", "Ooh, ooh, ooh!\nCome on, robin,\nfinish it.", "Yeah.\nMarshall:\nMom's exhortations rang", "Like apollo coaching rocky\n'gainst a frosted clubber lang.", "Oh, rocky iv, my favorite.", "No, no, iv is with the russians.", "No, iv's the one\nwhere he talks weird", "Because of his\nconcussions.", "I think that's all of them.\nHey now,", "No need to be discordant.\nIt's rocky iv.", "No, iii.\nNo,    ii.", "It's really\nnot important.", "At last young robin raised\nthe final bite up to her lips", "The crowd grew still.", "The only sound was barney", "Eating chips.\n(crunch)", "Just one bite left.", "Hey, this is like that scene\nfrom cool hand luke. You know,", "(southern accent):\n\"my boy can eat 50 eggs.\" right?", "She's gonna puke.", "But robin did not puke.", "She ate that bite\nand stood up, proud.", "(wild cheering, whooping)", "Wait. I'm not done yet.", "She shouted,\nto the startled crowd.", "I've bested\nthis here wedding cake.", "I'll gladly wear that crown.", "But now that I have", "Done that task it's time\nto wash it down.", "For it's been such\nan awesome night,", "There's just one way\nto cap it.", "I'm going to drink\nthis entire keg.", "Okay, barney, tap it.", "Oh!\nWow.", "Hup.\nHo-o, oh.", "Marshall:\nAnd now that night's remembered\nnot for robin getting dumped", "But as the night we took her\nin to get her stomach pumped.", "And look at that,", "The little angel's\nsleeping soundly, gus.", "Looks like our problems...", "Pick a lane!", "(honks horn, marvin cries)", "I hate this\nstupid bus.", "Marvin, I'm afraid\nthis night is not\nmuch of a winner.", "Stuck in traffic,\nnow we've missed", "The whole rehearsal dinner.", "I pray that I was right\nand that you'll have no memory", "Of this godforsaken ride\ndown the congested lie.", "At least we know\none thing for sure:", "Things can't get worse, I swear.", "Adios, truck stop\nburrito. Ooh!", "Do not go in there.", "Okay, one more story,\nand I'll try to tell it pretty.", "The tale of barney stinson,", "Player king of new york city.", "Once upon a time, we all\nwent out to get our drink on.", "When who should\nwalk in but a girl", "With sweater tight and pink on.", "She ordered up a beer.", "I think you see where\nthis is going.", "As barney put it,\noh so eloquently:", "Boy-oy-oy-oing.", "He rose to go approach this\ngirl commanding such intrigue", "When mommy interrupted:", "Dude, she's way\nout of your league.", "She's not in daisy\ndukes, nor squeezed\ninto a hooters tee.", "And I don't see a\ncurves membership", "Dangling from\nher key.", "She has no glaring", "Spray tan, no\nunicorn tattoos.", "She's sipping\nchardonnay, not pounding\ncherry-flavored booze.", "Her makeup\nisn't running,", "She's not playing\nwith her hair.", "There's very little\nchance she'll let you\nput it anywhere.", "Your challenge is accepted, lil.", "There is no girl too pretty,", "For I am barney stinson,", "Player king of new york city.", "You can't anoint\nyourself the king,", "Just like that jerk, lebron.", "He left the cavs\nthree years ago.", "Bro, give it\nup, move on.", "So why", "Am I king?\nGlad you asked.", "We didn't.\nNever do.", "It's origin\nstory time.", "And trust me,\nevery word is true.", "One morning long ago,\nI woke up next to a conquest.", "So many great things\n'bout this girl: Her boobs,", "Her rack, her chest.", "She had a thirst for action,", "And young barney\nwas a-quenchin' it.", "Is this important\nto the story?", "No, just thought\nI'd mention it.", "As I departed, having bid\nthis busty babe buh-bye,", "I stopped and looked around,\nand wondered:", "Where the hell am I?", "The sign read 22nd street,\nand my concern decreased", "Until a cold wind\nblew a branch aside,", "Revealing: \"east.\"", "The east side. No.", "Wh-what have I done?", "I stammered with chagrin.", "Just then a black sedan\npulled up...", "You barney?\nYeah.", "Get in.\n(sighs)", "Is any of this true?", "Of course. Now,\nhang on to your \"chayers.\"", "For that day\nI was called before...", "The high council of players.", "Gentlemen, for your attendance\nhere, our deepest thanks.", "I'm sad to say, this council\nhas a poacher in its ranks.", "For barney here", "Picked up a girl\noutside his territory.", "The east side", "Is tuxedo charlie's turf.", "He's mad.", "True story.", "The agreement of 2004\nquite clearly did define", "Fifth avenue to be our hunting\ngrounds' dividing line.", "Your west side college girls are\nnot the slip I park my boat in.", "So you should know", "My east side debutantes\nare quite verboten.", "(sighs) members\nof the council...", "Bros... Nobody wants a war.", "Of course I've not\nforgotten the agreement of '04.", "What can I say? A bonehead move.", "Defend it?\nI'm not able.", "But, bros, have I not been a bro", "To each bro at this table?", "My friend from brooklyn,\npickle jar bob,", "Will give some validation.", "Remember that\nyoung tourist", "Who was looking\nfor penn station?", "She'd just come in from boston,\nhad a wicked good-in-bed look.", "I gave her bad directions\nand she ended up in red hook.", "Shut up, barney.\nWhoa, bronx donnie,", "Let's not get excited.", "Tuxedo charlie's not the only\none here who's been slighted.", "You told her you were jeter\nin your quest to lie upon her.", "Impersonating yankees\nis my thing.", "Have you no honor?", "Gentlemen, please,\nlet's not blow", "This d\u00c3\u00a9tente\nto smithereens.", "Council recognizes captain bill,", "Our bro from queens.", "Thank you.", "You all know me,", "And you all\nrespect my game.", "I dress up like a pilot\nand meet girls in baggage claim.", "And on my long-ass subway ride\nfrom 61st and woodside,", "I came up with a plan to keep\nyou on each other's good side.", "Barney,\nyou have wronged these two.", "So, for the game", "They're losing,\nyou now must grant them each", "A west side hottie\nof their choosing.", "You're kidding.", "That's the settlement?", "Come on, that's rather silly.\nGentlemen,", "What say you?", "I want robin.", "I want lily.", "Please. Bronx donnie?", "No chance he could\nget me in the sack.", "Tell that mafioso I know\nsomething he can whack.", "Ladies, don't\nyou worry,", "Your fair legs can\nall stay closed.", "'cause luckily\nthey took", "The counteroffer\nI proposed.", "Well, gentlemen,", "It seems there's nothing\nI can say to sway you.", "Charlie, donnie,", "Say no more,\nI gladly will repay you.", "Carlotta, some champagne.", "Let's toast before\nwe all adjourn.", "To boobies.", "Oh, and b-t-dub,", "Y'all just drank poison.", "Ha-burn.", "(gags)", "(maniacal laugh)", "And thus, my friends,\nI have become,", "Through methods somewhat gory", "The player king\nof new york city.", "Boom.", "The end.", "True story.", "Well, that was great.", "Your little story\ntickled all our ribs.", "But one mistake\nyou made, sir,", "Was forgetting\nto call dibs.", "(gasps)", "Barney:\nNo! Not fair.", "But I'm the king.", "And such a\nbetter dresser.\nTed: Sorry, dude,", "But that's revenge", "For lisa the professor.\n(chuckles)", "(giggles)", "Let's have\nanother round.", "Yes.\nMarshall:\nYour mommy said.", "And so we had one.", "The night wore on,\nand I must say,", "It wasn't a half bad one.", "What memories.\nOur young and happy hearts", "Were hot as fire.", "Feels like a lifetime\nsince those days.", "(loud bump)\nbus driver:\nSorry, folks,", "Flat tire.", "(marvin cries)\noh, come on.", "Now I'm never gonna\nmake it to nantucket.", "(marvin continues wailing)", "(explosions)", "Oh, look a\nfireworks display.", "Some rockets\nred glare action.", "Thank god.", "Thought my glaucoma drops\nwere causing a reaction.", "Marvin, I'm so sorry this\nwhole journey's been a bummer.", "Soon you'll be right back in\nmommy's arms, as warm as summer.", "But sadly while your troubles\nstop once we get to the inn", "The moment we arrive\nis when my troubles will begin.", "Sometimes daddies screw up,", "Sometimes mommies get upset.", "I really hope this weekend\nis a memory you'll forget.", "So look up at those fireworks,\nenjoy the falling embers...", "Narrator:\nAnd that, kids,\nis the very first thing", "Your cousin\nmarvin remembers.", "Gentlemen and ladies,\nit'll be an hour or so...", "(groans)\nbefore the truck\ngets here to give our", "Broken bus a tow.", "So in the meantime I suggest\nwe all get nice and cozy.", "We're gonna be here\nfor a while.", "Uh, ring-around-the-rosy?", "Yeah!", "How far do you suppose it is\nto the farhampton inn?", "I'd say about five miles away.", "Oh, no.", "What's with the grin?", "Narrator:\nThen marshall\nlooked up heavenward,", "And swore by night's first star", "Five simple words\nhe'd soon regret:", "I can walk that far."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E12 The Rehearsal Dinner": ["Barney:\n\"let's get this party started.\"", "Hey, can you\npush the button?", "Do not touch\nthat button.", "Just give it a little push.\nDon't push it.", "Half of it, halfway, halfway...\nDon't even touch it.", "Why can't I\npush the button?", "Because whenever barney\nsees a button-- any button--", "He has to push it.", "(panting)", "Sorry.", "Why are you so mad?", "Because my rehearsal dinner", "Was supposed to start\nten minutes ago.", "But instead of stuffing my face", "With hors d'oeuvres", "That I have been dreaming\nabout for months,", "I am in a laser tag", "Security office,", "Waiting for the police\nto arrest my fianc\u00c3\u00a9", "For causing a disturbance.", "Hey, you said \"fianc\u00c3\u00a9.\"", "That's a good sign.\n(sighs)", "Now what do you say\nwe give that old button a push?", "Take a good look at\nthis face, barney, okay?", "'cause it'll be useful\nfor the future.", "This is my \"pretty mad\" face.", "Well, then, we've got a problem.", "'cause it looks a lot like\nyour \"pretty hungry\" face.", "I'm missing\nthe bacon-wrapped figs!", "Please push the button!", "Why is it\nso cold in here?", "You trying to get me to talk\nor something?", "Not really.", "In fact, if you could just\nsit there quietly...", "Fine, I'll talk.", "It all started a few months ago,", "When I had the most\nawesome idea ever.", "Laser tag\nrehearsal dinner!", "That might be the worst idea\nyou've ever had,", "Which is saying a lot.", "Name one bad idea\nI've ever had.", "Gluten-free edible panties.", "Hot dog on a stick\non a bun.", "Inflatable sex toy life raft.", "The breast\naugmentation channel.", "Single malt\nscotch tape.", "The time you ran for mayor.", "I still have 12,000 buttons\nthat say,", "\"the only poll I care about\nis in my pants.\"", "Barney, planning\na wedding", "Is all about compromise.", "Do you remember that one night,", "Right after we got engaged?", "Where is this wedding\ngonna be, anyway?", "You know, I thought\nit might be nice", "To get married\nin canada.", "I mean, it's where\nI'm from, and...", "Okay.", "Let's have it.\nGet it over with,", "Get it all out\nof your system.", "I'm the groom,", "I'm the groom,\nI might as well start.", "Canada?\nWhat, are we gonna", "Walk down the aisle to\ncrash test dummies?", "Play's to marshall.", "Canada?\nWhat are you gonna do,", "Hire a regular dog sled\nor a stretch?\n(snorts)", "Canada?", "Are you registered\nat tim hortons?", "Lily:\nCanada.", "Oh, does\nthe organist play", "Wearing mittens?", "Marshall:\nCanada? How are you gonna", "Slip the ring on\nthe bride's finger", "If she's wearing\nmittens?", "(laughs)", "Two mitten jokes\nin a row?", "So... You're pretty\nmuch done, then?", "Narrator:\nKids... We weren't even close.", "Canada.", "What do we ask on\nthe wedding invitation?", "\"will you be having\nthe elk or the moose?\"", "Canada.", "What, are you gonna\nwalk down the aisle", "Wearing snowshoes?!", "(laughing)", "Canada.", "What, is everyone gonna have\naccess to universal healthcare", "So no one has to choose\nbetween going bankrupt", "And treating\na life-threatening illness?", "Canada?", "W-what's the band gonna play\nfor your first dance?", "Crash test dummies?", "(laughing)\nsee, it's funny", "'cause who gets a band?", "Enough.\nIt was just an idea.", "Okay, okay.", "Seriously, robin,\ndoing it here in new york", "Would be easier, since\nall of our friends", "And a lot of\nour family are here.", "But... I want you\nto have the wedding\nthat you want.", "So if it's canada...", "Just say the word.", "(stifles a laugh)", "And then say it again\nin french.", "(laughing)", "See? I compromised.", "Fine.", "We'll just have a nice,\ntasteful rehearsal dinner.", "Maybe at a french restaurant.", "I know just the place.", "What's the name\nof the restaurant?", "La... Ser tag.", "You know, I was thinking about", "What to get you guys\nfor a wedding gift.", "As you know,", "I'm kind of\nthe wedding gift master.", "And, well,\nall this talk", "Of the rehearsal dinner", "Gives me a fantastic idea.", "I've been\nmeaning", "To start taking\npiano lessons again.", "No.", "No piano time.\nGuys!", "Just let me perform something.", "I'll-I'll tickle the keys.", "It'll be great.", "Not even if you\ndressed up as liberace.", "What if I dressed up\nas liberace?", "Sold!\nSold.", "And that was the end of it.", "Until my bachelor party.", "Uh-oh.", "Let me guess:", "There was a stripper.", "You had a little fun.", "Maybe took some\nill-advised pictures.", "Next thing\nyou know,", "She's blackmailing you\ninto bankruptcy,", "And your medical degree's\nhanging on the wall", "Of a laser tag security office!", "No.", "The night of my bachelor party,\nmy friends took me", "To a crappy hotel,", "Hired my ex-fianc\u00c3\u00a9e\nto be the stripper,", "I lost thousands of dollars,\nand my best friend", "Even had his hand cut off.", "It would've been", "The worst night of all time", "If the whole thing hadn't been", "A prank planned by", "My beautiful, amazing fianc\u00c3\u00a9e.", "She put me through hell\njust to give me the best", "Surprise of my life... Which,\np.S., included an appearance", "By my favorite actor--", "Non-porn category.", "Wow, that sounds pretty cool.", "Yeah. Except\npretty not cool,", "Because he kept talking about\nhow he was gonna get me back,", "And sure enough,\na few days later...", "Robin, there's no\ngood way to say this.", "I've made a huge mistake.", "I can't go through\nwith the wedding.", "What?", "(choked up):\nI'm so sorry.", "I-I just...\nI had to tell you", "Before it was too late.", "Oh, my god, you're serious.", "Yeah.", "And since this is my apartment,", "I think that\nyou should move out.", "Fine.", "Puppies!", "I know.\nGreat prank, right?", "That is awful.", "You're a frickin' weirdo.", "Such a weirdo.", "Careful, watch the robe.", "Anyway,", "For reasons only\nyou guys and robin", "But nobody normal\nlike me would understand,", "She got cranky.", "And she laid\ndown the law.", "No more surprises.", "(weird voice):\nBut you love surprises.", "Almost as much as\nI love lickin' myself!", "That was me talking,\nnot the puppy.", "Barney, the surprises\nare out of hand", "And they have to stop.", "Deal?\nBut...", "Deal?\nBut...", "Deal.\nButt...", "Barney...", "Fine.", "Deal.", "Man.", "This whole \"no more\nsurprises\" thing", "Is so unfair.", "Who does that?", "Barney,\nthe \"no more surprises\" thing", "Is the best part\nof being married.", "It's true.\nWhen I wake up\nin the morning,", "I know what lily's breath\nis gonna smell like.", "It's like...\nRoses.", "Do you really\nwant a marriage", "Where you have\nthis paranoia", "That robin's hiding\naround every corner,", "Planning to get\nyou back with some\ncrazy new prank?", "You're\nabsolutely right.", "Thank you, lily.", "No, th...\nThat was me,\nover here.", "He wasn't listening.", "If you guys\nare saying", "What I think\nyou're saying...", "Probably not.\nGo on.", "...Then that\nmust mean...", "No, it doesn't.", "...That robin is\nplanning a surprise", "Laser tag\nrehearsal dinner!", "Dude, robin is not planning", "A surprise laser tag\nrehearsal dinner.", "Yes, she is.", "No, she isn't.\nYes, she is.", "No, I'm not!", "Yes, she is.", "All:\nNo, she isn't.", "Then why did\nshe pretend", "To ridicule it\nas an idiotic idea?", "Because it is\nan idiotic idea.", "If robin\nactually was", "Planning a surprise,", "Don't you think she would\ntell her maid of honor?", "She didn't tell you\n'cause you can keep a secret", "The way my dentist\nkeeps his car keys.", "You don't know him,\nbut he's lost them...", "Like, twice.", "Actually,\njust once, and...", "That time they were\nin his other pocket.", "I can't keep a secret?", "He does have a point, lily.", "You're kind of famous for\nthe old blabbity-blabbity.", "Hey.", "How was lunch\nwith debbie?", "Great.\nShe's pregnant!", "(gasps) oops.", "I'm not supposed\nto tell anybody.\nWhy not?", "Because she's getting\na divorce.", "Damn it!", "Debbie's getting\na divorce?", "Yeah, she walked\nin on her husband\nhaving sex.", "Oh! Come on, lily.", "Well, maybe we don't\nneed to know every gory...", "With a man.", "Will you get it\ntogether, aldrin?!", "You okay, lily?", "And that guy's\nthe father of the baby.", "(sighs)\nI gotta go lie down.", "Which brings us\nto earlier today,", "When robin was setting up\nthe decoy rehearsal dinner,", "Complete with fake booze.", "Trying to pass\nthis off as scotch,", "And we all know\nit's apple juice.", "(choking):\nTypical apple juice burn.", "Yes, barney,\nthe booze is real.", "The food is real.", "Ooh, speaking of which,\nwhere are the\nbacon-wrapped figs?", "Probably at...\n(clears throat)", "...The laser tag place,", "Where the real rehearsal\ndinner's going down.", "Isn't that right,\ntheodore?", "Barney, there is\nno laser tag.", "We're gonna have\na nice dinner,", "Some drinks,\nand then,", "According to robin,", "If her aunt edith\ngets drunk enough,", "She'll take off her wig and\nthey'll play hockey with it.", "Poppycock!", "You know how\nshe's gonna do it,", "And you're gonna\ntell me!", "Or do I have\nto get my face", "Even closer\nto yours?", "Lily:\nHey.", "How come you're\nnot getting", "Uncomfortably\nclose to my face?", "I could be in on it, too.", "(both laughing)", "'course you could,\nlil.", "I can keep a secret.", "Lily, don't\nmake me laugh.", "I'd trust you\nwith a secret", "As much as I'd trust\nmarshall with pop secret.", "I can keep a secret!", "I can keep a secret\nreal good.", "I can keep a secret\nlike nobody's business,", "'cause it is\nnobody's business.", "'cause it's a secret,", "And I'm keeping it!", "Does marshall\nshave his back?", "No, I shave it\nfor him. Damn it!", "Ooh!", "I should call\nmarshall.", "I bet he's\nin on this.", "If he really exists.", "Okay.", "Setting aside the fact", "That I've kept your whole", "\"moving to chicago\" thing\na secret,", "Aren't you supposed to be\ndressed like liberace right now?", "Okay, first of all,", "If I showed up in costume,", "It would steal from\nthe surprise and spectacle", "Of my grand entrance.", "And second of all,\nI'm not doing that.", "Why not?", "Because dressing like liberace\nis easy, but...", "Uh, yes, 4/4, e-sharp...", "Major...", "Okay.", "Let's make something\nbeautiful, shall we?", "(inhales deeply)", "I think that's\nenough for today.", "Okay, I figured out how\nthis is gonna go down.", "We're gonna \"run out\" of ice,", "And robin's gonna ask me\nto go get some,", "And lo and behold,\nthe only place that sells ice", "In this whole town is right next\nto the local laser taggery.", "I go inside and... (gasps)", "Surprise!", "Beautiful dinner,\nfamily and friends,", "Free game tokens\nand an off-road arcade game", "That's rigged\nfor unlimited turbos!", "That is the\nsingle stupidest...", "Guys, you aren't\ngonna believe this.", "The ice machine\nis broken.", "Is it now?", "Well, dog my cats,\nwhat are the chances?", "Huh? What do we do?", "Well, I guess I could go get\nsome ice.", "Uh, no,\nthey'll send someone.", "All right, fine.\nTwist my arm. I'll do it.", "But seriously,\nhmm?", "Did you get everything set up\nover there?", "Do you have enough food,\nhave enough guns?", "Did you get a vest extender\nfor grandma stinson? She's...", "What are you\ntalking about?", "Oh, babe, you're so good\nat this. I love it.", "All right, I'll see you guys\nover there.", "I mean, be right back.", "Barney, barney, this is\nour rehearsal dinner, okay?", "Do not leave the premises.", "Promise me you're not going\nanywhere.", "Fine.", "Say it.", "Say you promise\nyou won't leave.", "I promise I won't leave.", "So I left.\nAnd what do you know,", "The ice store is right next\nto a laser tag place!", "No, it isn't!\nIt's six miles away", "In the opposite direction.", "And I told you not to go!", "Yeah, well, you also told me", "You didn't want a ring bear\nat the wedding.", "Ring bear-er!", "We all know how great", "That's gonna be. The point is,", "I played along with her plan,", "And I acted \"natural\" so I\nwouldn't spoil the surprise.", "Oh, my goodness!", "Laser tag?!", "Maybe I should go in here\nfor a minute,", "Just check it out\nfor no apparent reason.", "And what's this?", "My hands-free token satchel?", "And my free lifetime refill\nroot beer mug?", "So for the past\ntwo months", "When we were letting you use\nour apartment", "To practice the piano\nevery Sunday night,", "What were you doing?", "Oh, so that's not traveling\n'cause he's the mvp?", "Come on!", "Where's barney?\nHas anyone seen him?", "Robin, ted's totally bailing", "On playing the piano\nfor you and barney.", "Oh, really? Ted, you didn't\nhave to not do that.", "But thank you.", "But he promised!\nA promise is a promise.", "You can't say you're\ngonna do something", "And then suddenly do something\ncompletely different!", "Why are you getting\nso worked up about this?", "Because, obviously, I'm worked\nup for a different", "But somewhat similar reason.", "And someone should ask me\nabout it!", "I'm sorry. I don't have time\nfor your drama right now, lily.", "My fianc\u00c3\u00a9 is missing.", "Marshall got picked\nto be a judge.", "He took the job\nwithout even asking me.", "Italy's off!", "I have time for your drama.", "So, marshall can't go\nto Italy?\nNot if he wants to be a judge.", "And my italian was getting\nso good.", "It was so (speaks italian).", "But wait, you guys already\nsublet the apartment.", "You're already packed.", "Marshall already borrowed\nand lost my rosetta stone.", "That selfish bastard!", "(phone rings)\nsorry, lil. Hello.", "Okay, I'm mad, too.", "I should hope so.", "All of a sudden, his dream\nis more important than yours?", "And he did it behind your back.", "Bastardo!", "He would never hurt me\nintentionally.", "I'll hurt him intentionally.", "Molto bastardo!", "That's sweet of you to say.", "You could never take\nmarshall in a million years,", "But that's sweet of you to say.", "Well, apparently, barney went\nto the laser tag place", "Looking for a surprise\nrehearsal dinner.", "When he didn't find one,\nhe threatened", "To dunk\nthe snack bar guy's head", "Into a vat\nof scalding nacho whiz.", "He's being held\nuntil the police arrive", "I need your apple juice.", "Ha!", "And here we are.", "Now, I believe this charade\nhas gone on long enough.", "Can we please get to the\nsurprise laser tag rehearsal?", "Hey, there is no surprise\nlaser tag rehearsal dinner!", "Okay, but if I may offer\nan opposing view.", "Of course there is!", "This place is lousy\nwith clues.", "Is he even really\na security guard?", "Because he looks an awful lot\nlike a non-pakistani version", "Of the guy who delivers\nsandwiches at my office.", "Also...", "\"laser tag\" has the same number\nof letters as \"rehearsal.\"", "Laser tag has eight,\nrehearsal has nine.", "And if you rearrange the letters\nand add some other ones,", "It says, \"get ready, barney,\nfor the biggest surprise ever,", "You handsome son of a...\"", "And then not quite enough\nletters for \"bitch,\"", "But good try, robin.", "This is crazy, barney.", "We-we can't have a marriage\nlike this.", "A marriage has to be built on\nhonesty and trust", "And all of that lily-\nand-marshall crap.", "I though our marriage was built\non honesty and trust", "And all that lily-\nand-marshal crap.", "I just feel so alone right now.", "Well, you're not. I'm here.", "And I know you can keep\na secret.", "(scoffs) yeah, right.", "Tell you what.", "How about I let you in\non another secret?", "Something bigger.", "Bigger than chicago?", "Are you kidding?", "Nope. Want to do the honors?", "Ladies and gentlemen,", "There's been a slight change\nof plan.", "Fine! Fine.", "You're right, robin.", "Marriage isn't about playing\ncrazy pranks.", "It isn't about telling\nlong expertly crafted lies", "To cover those pranks...", "How'd you get out\nof those handcuffs?", "...And hiring actors\nto play security guards", "And spending exorbitant\namounts of money on things", "Like giant,\nfake laser tag signs.", "No, it's about honesty.", "Size six skate, right?", "And in that spirit,\nI got to be honest.", "Every now and then,", "I am gonna lie to you.\nI just am.", "If it's in the interest\nof an amazing surprise, that is.", "You're gonna get bamboozled,\nhoodwinked.", "Heck, I'll just say it.", "You're gonna get snowed.", "Why is it snowing in here?", "Put on the skates.", "We gotta go.", "Where?", "Where are we going?", "To the rehearsal dinner, silly.", "Let's get this party started.", "What?!", "All:\nSurprise!", "What-what is going on?", "I know how much you wanted\nto be in canada this weekend.", "So I brought canada to you.", "Oh, and here's an autographed\npicture of wayne gretzky.", "Thanks.", "And this guy's not really\na security guard.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa once there was this boy who", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa wore a lot of suits and said\nthat stuff was \"legendary\" \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa he gave lots of high fives", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa and swore...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa that he would\nnever get married \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa he really thought\nhe meant it \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Thanks for letting me\nin on this.", "Even if it was\nat the very end.", "My pleasure.", "Oh, and by the way,", "There's one more secret\nI've been keeping.", "All those nights\nI was supposed", "To be taking piano lessons?", "I was actually taking\nfigure skating lessons!", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa once, there was\nthis girl who... \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Narrator:\nKids, it takes more\nthan two months", "To learn how to figure skate.", "I love you.", "I love you, too.", "I'm gonna get you back,\nyou know?\nBring it.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa and swore she'd also\nnever get married \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa she really thought\nshe meant it. \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "I can't believe\nyou did all of this.", "Hey, I thought you\ndidn't like canada.", "Are you kidding?\nI love canada.", "Holy musk ox,", "Is that legendary\ncanadian doctor\nfrederick banting?", "Whoa!", "In 1924,\nI discovered insulin.", "Take that, diabetes.", "Hey, look, it's manitoba's\nnative son, norman breakey.", "You're welcome, world.", "Enjoy my invention,\nthe paint roller.", "And of course,\nyou know alan thicke.", "Hey, hey, you...\nOh, hey.", "...Are the prettiest girl\nin the place.", "Oh, thank you,\nalan.", "All right, all right,\nall right.", "Good to see you.", "Hey, look,\nit's louise poirier,", "Who I think worked\nfor the company", "That probably created\nwonderbra.", "(speaks french)", "(speaks french)\nokay, okay.", "Canadians also helped\nwin two world wars...\nMm-hmm.", "...And gave the world\nneil young, william shatner,", "Leonard cohen,\npamela anderson,", "One quarter\nof barney stinson,", "Instant mashed potatoes,\nand best of all, you.", "Thank you."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E13 Bass Player Wanted": ["Narrator:\nKids, when your\nuncle marshall's bus broke down", "Five miles away\nfrom the farhampton inn,", "He made a vow.", "I can walk that far.", "Yes. It was another\nexciting installment of...", "Marshall:\n\u00c2\u00b6 marshall versus the machines", "\u00c2\u00b6 our hero starts his journey", "\u00c2\u00b6 with steely-eyed resolve,\nbut let's \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 skip ahead to later", "\u00c2\u00b6 with a slow dissolve", "\u00c2\u00b6 so tired, dehydrated", "\u00c2\u00b6 not making any sense", "\u00c2\u00b6 but wait a second,\nwhy is bigfoot \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 standing by that fence?", "Oh. Hey.", "You didn't see this.", "\u00c2\u00b6 I'm not hallucinating", "\u00c2\u00b6 bigfoot really exists", "\u00c2\u00b6 but everyone knows\nhe quit smoking years ago \u00c2\u00b6", "Marshall:\nOh, crap. I'm losing it.", "(vehicle approaching)", "(horn honks)\nwoman:\nExcuse me. Hey.", "You guys need a lift?", "Narrator:\nAnd that's how marshall\nmet your mother.", "This is great.\nThe whole gang together.", "Well, almost\nthe whole gang.", "Yeah, there's just one beloved\npiece of the puzzle missing.", "That bottle of 30-year\nglen mckenna scotch.", "Mmm...\n(slurping)", "Narrator:\nSo far, that weekend", "Had been fatal\nfor not just one...", "But two bottles of $600 scotch", "Intended\nfor a special wedding toast.", "Also, where the\nhell is marshall?", "I still can't believe he took\nthe judgeship behind my back.", "Look, I know this is messy, my\ndream versus marshall's dream.", "I won't force you guys\nto choose sides.", "Good, because I totally side\nwith marshall.", "That would've been so awkward.", "Hey, let's go see if they have\nany glen mckenna up at the bar.", "Okay.", "Hey, look, don't be mad.", "Barney just thinks\nthat if he has a judge friend,", "He can get all of his citations\nfor public urination thrown out.", "How often does barney pee\nin public?", "A lot.", "But don't worry.", "I'm on your side.", "Aw...\n(chuckles)", "What's poppin',  mi amigas?", "Robin:\nOh, boy, who's this idiot?", "Lily:\nAnd which one of us is he gonna\ntry to make the sex on?", "You both look beautiful tonight.", "Robin:\nBro, going for the tricycle.", "(scoffs)\ncan you imagine having\na three-way with this creep?", "(chuckles)\nyeah, right.", "You, me and this guy,", "Naked, going at it.", "Then he gets tired and it's\njust you and me going at it.", "Robin:\nUh, lily...\nThat'd be so stupid.", "So stupid...", "Robin:\nUm, okay, I'll shoot him down.", "By the way, I am so psyched\nfor the wedding tomorrow, robin.", "I'm truly honored\nthat you and barney", "Asked me to be a part of it.", "We're honored...", "You're here...", "...Valued invitee.\n(chuckles)", "(chuckles)", "Robin:\nHelp me. Who is this?", "Lily:\nMaybe he's one of your\nlong-lost canadian cousins?", "Uh, do you happen to have all\nof your fingers and teeth?", "Uh... Yeah.\n(chuckles)", "Robin:\nNot one of my cousins.", "Hey, thanks again\nfor picking us up.", "It's been a crazy\ncouple of days.", "You can't imagine\nwhat we've been through.", "Wait, let me guess.", "You were visiting a relative,", "Maybe... Your mother?", "And I'm getting", "A midwest vibe,", "Somewhere like...\nWisconsin...", "(scoffs)\n...No, minnesota?", "Wow.", "You're-you're, like,\nreally good at this.", "You're planning an overseas trip\nwith your wife.", "I'm seeing a...", "A feisty redhead who loves art.", "She just got a job", "In europe, maybe France?", "No. Italy?", "(gasps)", "Total shot in the dark, but...", "Rome?", "Maybe I'll just, like...", "I'll get out\nright here.\n(doors lock)", "You're not going anywhere.", "No, I'm just messin' with ya.", "I rode the train with your wife.", "She told me all about you.", "You must be marshall.", "Um...", "I was checking on the baby.", "(laughs)", "(laughing):\nWait-wait a minute,\nwait a minute.", "So you guys both got locked out", "On the roof in your pajamas?", "You guys are hilarious\nand adorable!", "Lily:\nAny idea who this guy is?", "Robin:\nNo, but I like that he gets", "How hilarious\nand adorable we are!", "Lily:\nWe are hilarious and adorable!", "(laughs)\nI'll get the next round.", "Oh, thanks.", "Thanks, lil.", "Hey, I'm sorry if\nI barged in on you guys.", "I can be a little overeager", "To connect sometimes.", "Probably because of\nmy childhood.", "Right.", "Because of that thing\nthat happened.", "My mother died\non a hunting trip", "When I was very young.", "Yeah, that's it,\nthat's the thing.", "Sorry, blah, too heavy!", "(chuckles)", "So, robin.", "What's going on...", "With you?", "Oh, nothing.", "I mean, uh, nothing big, anyway.", "Hey, hey, hey...", "This is me\nyou're talking to.", "Well, there is\nthis thing with lily...", "You know, ted,", "If you really want\nto get a bottle", "Of glen mckenna 30-year\nfor barney,", "I got that last one at\nthe farhampton liquor store.", "The security there\nis a total joke!", "No, see, I don't\nwant to know that.", "I won't be an accomplice\nto grand larceny.", "I am not confirming\nor denying a thing.", "But there's a really high window\nin the storage room", "And if you climb up...", "La la la la la,\nI'm not listening!", "I love barney,", "But I'm not going\nto jail for him.", "What? Really?\nWhy not?", "I'd go to jail for you.", "No, you wouldn't.\nYes, I would.", "Going to jail for\nyour best friend?", "That's the dream.", "Really?", "That's the dream?", "Yeah, it's the most noble--\nnay, bro-ble--", "Thing a bro can do\nfor a fellow bro.\nMm-hmm.", "So yes, ted, that's the dream.", "You're too liberal\nwith the phrase\n\"that's the dream.\"", "Name one other time\nI've said that!", "A suit made of prosciutto\nso you can eat your way naked,", "\"that's the dream.\"", "A pack of lions\nfighting a tyrannosaurus,", "\"that's the dream.\"", "Being able to take", "A whole year's\nworth of dumps", "In one, nonstop\n24-hour period", "Then not having\nto dump again", "For the rest\nof the year,", "\"that's the dream.\"", "I never said dump day\nwas the dream.", "I said science is\nthis close to a pill.", "There can only be\none \"the dream\"!", "You're saying it's going\nto jail for a bro?", "You're comfortable\nwith that being", "The one and only\ndream, forever?", "Yes.", "Great, now you can never\nuse that phrase again.", "And for me,\nthat's the dream.", "Hey, lily, robin just\ntold me about Italy!", "Oh, yeah, it's gonna be great.", "Well, that is, if I can\nconvince my husband", "To keep his promise\nand move there with me.", "Robin, I know", "You told me you want\nmarshall to win,", "But I don't know.", "I gotta side\nwith lily on this one.", "Later, skaters.", "Thanks again\nfor saving us.", "Well, I don't normally\nstop like that,", "But I just had to for the cutest\nhitchhiker in the world!", "Thank you.", "Oh, you were talking\nabout marvin.", "(coos)\nsorry, it's been\na really, really long day.", "When we get there,\nI'll buy you a drink.", "Thank you,\nbut, um, after I drop you off,", "I'm heading back to the city.", "What?\nI thought you said that", "Your-your band's\nplaying the wedding.", "Why are you leaving?", "The lead singer.", "He's the devil.", "He's a total fire-starter.", "He just ruins\npeople's lives", "For his own amusement.", "You know, he will walk\nup to two friends,", "He will find the one thing", "That will destroy their\nfriendship and just-- poof!--", "Burn it to the ground.", "Wow.", "What's his name?", "What's poppin',\nmi amigos?", "The mother:\nDarren.", "You're rooting\nfor marshall?!", "Well, why don't you just get", "A team marshall t-shirt?", "What size are you?", "Extra-traitor?", "No. No, okay...", "What I said was...", "See, all I meant was...", "God, how did we get here?", "That's the question\nyou're left asking yourself.", "So here's how\nhe does it:", "First, he makes you\nfeel like you are", "The most hilarious", "And adorable person\nin the world...", "You guys are\nhilarious", "And adorable!", "Ted:\nI like that he gets", "How hilarious\nand adorable we are.", "Barney:\nWe are hilarious and adorable.", "(laughing)", "Next, he finds some flimsy\nconnection with you", "Based on where you're from...", "Cleveland?\nYeah.", "Galluci's serves the", "Best pepperoni\nbread!\nBest pepperoni bread!", "And staten island!", "Guys getting in fights\non their front lawns!", "It's like you're\nfrom there!", "(laughing)", "Ted:\nThis guy's awesome!", "Barney:\nSo awesome!", "Ted:\nI'd totally go to jail for him.", "Barney:\nThat hurts.", "Next, he tells you\na \"deep personal secret\"", "That is usually\nthe tragic back-story", "From an animated kid's film.", "My mother died on\na hunting trip.", "It's often bambi.", "My father was\nbetrayed and killed", "By a trusted advisor.", "Sometimes he'll throw a little\nlion king in there.", "I have no family.", "But tonight...", "I think maybe\nI found two brothers.", "(sobs)", "Sorry, blah, too heavy.", "(crying):\nThat's okay, man.", "(crying):\nLet me get you a drink.", "The mother:\nAnd then, once\nyour guard is down,", "The emotional\nprostate exam begins...", "So, ted,", "What's going on...\nWith you?", "Well... I mean,\nthere was this thing...", "Never mind.", "Hey, hey, hey...", "This is me you're talking to.", "Look, all I meant", "Was that there are\ntwo sides here.", "Yes,", "Italy is your dream,", "But being a judge is marshall's.", "Well, that", "And teaching prop comedy", "Parrot top has nothing\nto do with this!", "I don't need\nobjectivity.", "You're my best friend,\nI just need your support.", "I understand.\nYou got it.", "(sighs)\nI'm sorry.", "Oh, me, too.", "Forgot my phone.", "I'm sorry, you guys are probably\ntalking wedding details.", "I mean, no maid of honor's\ngonna steal the spotlight", "With her own problem", "On the bride's big weekend,\nam I right?", "Keep it real, homies!", "You know, he is right.", "Why is this all about you?", "I mean, you have\nbeen preoccupied", "With marshall all weekend.", "I have not!", "You have been sleeping\nwith a doll made of cushions", "That you named after him.", "Not true!", "After we do our business,", "I make marshpillow\nsleep on the couch!", "So there!\nOh, my god, that\nis so ridiculous!", "So, what did darren\ndo to you?", "Well, a few years ago,\nI started this band.", "And, you know, it was a goof--", "It was just me and a couple\nof dorks from business school.", "I'm actually embarrassed\nto tell you our name.", "I had an all-lawyer funk band", "Called the funk, the whole funk,\nand nothing but the funk.", "Oh, I now feel very safe\ntalking about my band--", "Super-freak-onomics.", "Nice.\n(laughs)\nanyway,", "I brought darren in\nto split lead vocals,", "And he took over.", "You know, first\nhe took away my solos,", "Then I got demoted\nto backup vocals,", "And now the only time\nI use a mic", "Is after darren's first\nfalse exit, when I say,", "\"do you guys want more darren?\"", "And then today,", "I found this\nad online.", "\"ass player wanted\"?", "Move your thumb.", "Oh, \"bass player wanted.\"", "Wait, he was gonna kick you\nout of your own band?", "Yeah.", "But instead... I quit.", "You quit?! That's it?", "But it's your band--\nyou must be avenged!", "(laughs):\nFunny you should say that,", "Because as I was leaving\nthe hotel, I ran into someone.", "You need to steal\nthis douche monkey's van.", "Aldrin justice, nice!", "Your wife is cool.", "Oh, the coolest.", "Hey, did she, um,\nhappen to mention", "The fact\nthat I'm sort of ruining", "Her dream of moving to Italy?", "Uh, yeah, that did come up.", "You need to steal\nthis douche monkey's van.", "And then run", "My husband over with it.", "I think you've got\na tough talk coming.", "Yeah, well, so do you.", "When we get\nto the farhampton inn,", "You're gonna go in there and\nyou're gonna stand up to darren.", "Oh, come on,\nI aldrin justiced him.", "Yeah, but I bet\nyou're just gonna give", "This van right back to him.", "I mean, were you at least\ngonna pee in it a little?", "I was gonna gas it up\nand get it washed.", "You're too nice.", "I'm the same way.", "Sometimes you got\nto get in there", "I always cave and side\nwith the other person.", "I can't handle confrontation.", "Yes, you can.", "You make some good points.", "Look.", "I don't know you, but I can tell\nthat you're strong.", "That's your band.", "Don't let darren steal it away.", "(sighs)", "No, there's\nno defeating the devil.", "He's someone else's problem now.", "I'm sorry\nif I've been", "Distracted this weekend.", "Oh, let's not fight anymore,\nokay?", "Oh, good, robin,\nyou finally told lily", "You feel like she's\nabandoning you as a friend", "By going to Italy.", "Honesty is progress.\nStay gold.", "I'm not...", "Ooh, ted.\n(indistinct chatter)", "When you move to chicago,", "You got to try gazzola's pizza.", "Namaste, hermanos.", "You're moving to chicago?", "Is that even a real place?", "It's a style of pizza.", "Ted, you can't live in a pizza.", "I got an amazing\njob offer there.", "Look, lily knows,\nbut marshall and robin don't.", "So please keep it quiet.", "(loudly):\nYou're moving to chicago?!", "He-he's moving to chicago!", "When do you move?", "At least tell me it's not\nuntil next year or something.", "It's not until...", "Monday.", "Monday?!", "So you are just gonna disappear\nthe day after my wedding?", "After ten years\nof being best friends?", "Well, actually, marshall's my...\nDon't even think about it!", "That's fair enough.\nYou are gonna give me\none day's notice?", "Well, I didn't want to upset you\non your wedding weekend.", "No, it's good.", "It'll be easy to say good-bye", "Now that I know how much\nI mean to you.", "Well... (sighs)", "(door closes)\n(footsteps approach)", "Hey.", "Hey.", "Look, I was...", "I was never really\nrooting for marshall.", "I was rooting\nto not lose my best friend.", "But that's selfish.", "No matter where you go,", "I'm in your corner\nand I always will be.", "And to prove it...", "What are you gonna do\nwith marshpillow?", "While you beat the goose down\nout of this bastard.", "Because that's\nwhat best friends do.", "Thanks, it-it's not gonna help.", "Try it. One punch.", "Ooh, that felt good.", "Mm-hmm.", "(grunting)\nyeah, that's it, sweetheart.", "Head, body, head.\nHead, body, head.", "Barney, wait, wait!", "Your friendship is\nimportant to me.", "I swear on my mother's...", "No, I swear to god.", "No... I swear to hef.", "(gasps)\ndon't take that name in vain.", "If someone is important to you,\nyou tell them you're moving.", "I'm just some guy you\nused to know back in new york.", "Hey.", "Whoa.", "How...?", "That's a $600 bottle.", "Ted, that's grand larceny.", "You really could go\nto jail for this.", "That's the dream.", "So...", "You're moving to chicago.", "I'm going to chicago.", "Why? I know\nmarshall and lily might leave,", "But it's only a year,\nand in the meantime,", "We'll still see each other\nall the time.", "You, me, robin...", "Oh.", "I need a new start.", "I'm gonna miss you.", "I'm gonna miss you so much.", "Well, here we are.", "Good luck in there.", "Thank you.", "And don't worry,", "At the reception, I'll yell,", "\"the lead singer\nsucks skunk junk,\"", "After every song.", "(laughing)", "I'll come up with something", "Better than \"skunk junk.\"", "No, no.", "\"skunk junk\" is pretty solid.", "You can't yell that\nat the lead singer.", "Because I don't suck skunk junk.", "Wait, are you saying...?", "I'm coming in. Darren and I\nare gonna have a chat", "About my band!", "(whoops)", "Marvin:\nSkunk junk.", "For the record...\nUh-huh.", "His first word", "Was \"mommy.\"", "Mm-hmm.", "This is my band. I started it.", "And if anyone is getting\nfired here, it's you, darren.", "So hit the bricks,", "S-skunk...", "Junk.", "Is that even\na little bit intimidating?", "Nope, and the\nknitting's not helping.", "I'm sorry, I just met this baby\nand he needs a hat.", "What... (stammers)\nyou can't fire darren.", "He gets how hilarious\nand adorable I am.", "Plus it is so inspiring", "How he overcame his mother\nbeing eaten by a barracuda.", "Gah! It's finding nemo.", "(sighs)", "That's new.", "There's no defeating the devil.", "New plan.\nLinus, if at any point", "Tonight you see me\nwith an empty glass...", "Kennedy package.", "It's a very popular choice\nthis weekend.", "Thank you, linus.", "(grunting)\nyup.", "Uh, lily?", "Lily.", "Marshall:\nLily.", "Pause?", "Pause.", "Hi.", "Thank you, linus.", "Mm-hmm.", "There are real villains\nin this world.", "But they don't always get\nreal justice, do they?", "You want to believe\nkarma's gonna get them.", "All right, who wants a drink?", "I'm stealing.", "(all cheer)", "But karma doesn't", "Always come through.", "I love how strong\nyour marriage is.", "And you don't need\nto lose weight, louise,", "No matter what he told me.", "Catch you on the flip-flop,\nmuchachos.", "Oh!\n(groans)", "(short laugh)", "Sorry, mi amigos.", "I guess you have to accept\nthat sometimes in life...", "...You just don't get\nthat knockout punch.", "(loud punch)", "(loud grunt)", "(all laughing)", "Hey, can I get some ice?", "The best man just punched me\nin the face for no reason.", "(laughs)", "Oh, what, that's funny to you?", "You know what? I quit.", "You can have\nyour stupid band back.", "I miss being in a band where\npeople are decent to each other", "And there's no drama.", "I'm going back\nto the new guns n' roses.", "Linus, whoever that best man is,", "I would like to buy him a double\nof your finest scotch.", "\u00c2\u00b6 you started a band", "\u00c2\u00b6 that was cool for a while", "\u00c2\u00b6 but it turned pretty bland", "\u00c2\u00b6 I started a fight", "\u00c2\u00b6 with a neighbor next door", "\u00c2\u00b6 and his pesky wife...", "Here you go.", "Is this from one of you guys?", "Nah.\nUh-uh.\nNo.", "Okay.", "\u00c2\u00b6 and hate even more\nwhen you're not \u00c2\u00b6", "Well... This is incredible.", "What is this?", "It's the glen mckenna 35-year.", "Wait a minute.", "This whole time, you had\nglen mckenna 35-year?", "Why didn't you say something?", "You didn't ask about the 35.", "Narrator:\nAnd, kids,\nthat's the first drink", "Your mother ever bought me.", "Hey, barney, I'm so sorry\nI missed your rehearsal dinner.", "Oh, that's okay.", "We didn't even know\nyou weren't here, jerk.", "Listen, I know that I can't\nmake up for being late,", "But I did get you\na-a special gift.", "Well, hand it over, fathead.", "Well, you might want to wait\nuntil after the wedding photos.", "Hand it over now, travel breath.", "Okay, barney, I'll hand it over.", "Oh, god, it's the fourth slap!", "I don't know why\nI was so obnoxious."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E14 Slapsgiving 3 Slappointment in Slapmarra": ["(\"o fortuna\" playing)", "(\"o fortuna\" playing)", "Narrator:\nOh, sorry, kids.", "I forgot to mention\nthere's a bit of a backstory", "To this particular slap.", "Oh, man.", "Oh.", "At least it landed\non the mustard stain.", "Don't bother.\nThat suit is a stain.", "A stain on the very institution\nof suits.", "You know what tie goes\nwith that suit?", "The tie at the top\nof a hefty bag.", "A suit like that", "Only needs one button...\nSelf-destruct.", "Hey, I bought him\nthat suit.", "Where? Barfs brothers?", "Men's outhouse?", "Giorgio arms...\nAre-not-the-same-lengthy?", "That suit is a slap in the face\nto all suits everywhere.", "A slap in the face.", "Uh, yes, barney.", "There's something I need to\ntell you about the next slap", "That you're going to receive.", "You see,", "I want this slap to be", "As painful as\nhumanly possible.", "Both: Sure.\nSure.\nOkay, okay.", "Yeah, I'm gonna stop you\nright there.", "Yes, you won a slap bet\nwith me seven years ago.", "And, yes, over the years,", "You got in some great slaps.", "Some great slaps.", "But here's the problem.", "You've tormented me so much", "That I am now immune to it.", "Hmm.\nIt's as if", "My face, my psyche, my soul", "Were covered\nin that numbing cream", "We all put on our deals\nso that we can go all night.", "Am I right, fellas?", "Okay, we'll all just pretend\nlike we've never done that.", "Just like we've never sat on our\nleft hand until it fell asleep", "And then used it\nfor an away gamer.", "Okay.", "We'll all pretend", "Like we've never done that.", "Just like we've all never taken", "Two live jumper cables...", "Please stop.", "Barney, I'm well-aware\nthat you've developed", "A resistance to all\nof my old tricks,", "Which is why I sought\nout special training.", "Hi, hey, I'm sure you get\nthis question all the time.", "But is there a special class\nwhere I just learn slapping?", "We teach kung fu here.", "Right, see,\nthe thing is, I don't need", "To learn anything about kicking.", "You know?", "'cause, uh...", "So, yeah.", "I'm good there.", "Um, what I really need\nto learn is slapping.", "I need someone to teach me\nhow to slap my friend", "Just like really hard\nright in his stupid face.", "Can you teach me that?", "Kung fu is an ancient\nand honorable martial art.", "It must be learned\nwith great devotion", "And respect.", "So, where are we on this\nwhole slapping thing?", "Yes, no, maybe...?\nGet out.", "Psst.", "I know what you seek.", "You seek to learn", "The slap of a thousand", "Exploding suns.", "Yes, that's totally\na thing I've heard of.", "Can you teach me?", "No, but I know who can.", "Can you take me\nto this great master?", "I have much gold.", "It is not one great master\nyou seek but three.", "They will teach you", "The three mighty virtues\nof slapistry.", "Speed.", "Strength.", "And accuracy.", "Put these\nthree virtues together,", "And only then\nwill you have mastered", "The slap of a million", "Exploding suns.", "I'm sorry to interrupt,\nbut a second ago,", "Wasn't it the slap\nof a thousand exploding suns?", "Pretty sure I said\na million, guys?\nI heard a million.", "He said a million.\nOne million.", "Marshall:\nSo I went to shanghai...", "You didn't go to shanghai.", "I went to shanghai.", "When did you go to shanghai?", "Last year I went\nto shanghai.", "You didn't go to shanghai.", "He went to shanghai.", "He didn't go to shanghai.\nTotally went to shanghai.", "You didn't go to shanghai.", "So I went to shanghai.", "In search of the first master.", "Are you red bird?", "Barney:\nOkay, enough.", "I know you're trying\nto freak me out.", "But like I said,\nit's not working.", "So I will give you much gold", "To stop wasting my time.", "Hold that thought, I just want\nto see if I can fix this.", "(song skipping)", "(groans)", "(all gasp)", "All:\nThe slap of...", "Ten million\nexploding suns!\n500 exploding suns!", "Three billion exploding stars!", "Whoops.", "(chuckles)", "(sighs)", "(gasps)", "Relax, I'm not gonna\nslap you right now.", "(grunts)", "When I slap you, it shall be\nbeneath a willow tree", "Next to four women and a tiger.", "A willow tree,\nfour women and a tiger?", "What are you talking about?", "Who said anything about a willow\ntree, four women and a tiger?", "Guys?\nNobody.", "A tiger?\nYou were totally\nsilent just now.", "But marshall just said that!", "What is going on?", "How did you do that\nto the jukebox?", "Wait, it's fake.", "That's a prop jukebox,", "Designed just to mess with me.", "Marshall, that jukebox\ncost eight grand.", "I have much gold.", "Huh, that is much.", "You got lucky, eriksen.", "I don't like this!", "I thought that nothing\nI said or did", "Could intimidate you anymore.", "(stammers)\nthat's right.", "It can't.", "(sniffs)\n(yells)", "Itch.", "Look.", "If you're really nervous,", "Don't think of it as a slap.", "Think of it as a high five.\nOkay.", "For your stupid face.\n(barney crying)", "So, anyway, I'm in\nthe noodle house...", "I'll admit.", "I didn't expect red bird,", "Master of speed, to be a girl.", "You sure you really\nknow how to...?", "What is the sound\nof one hand slapping?", "I'm sorry, I don't understa...", "(slap)", "Wait, how did you...?", "(slap)", "Lucky shot, I wasn't ready...", "(slap)", "You know, that tip\nisn't a full 20%...", "(two slaps)", "Train me, red bird.", "Teach me speed.", "No.", "I retired long ago.", "Retired? You're like, 32.", "I am 86 years old.", "But slapping is now", "A part of my past.", "Darn, I really wanted\nto slap barney stinson.", "This is to slap barney stinson?", "Yeah, okay.", "I'll totally teach you.", "Marshall:\nAnd so began my training.", "Slap this tree.", "Slap the tree?", "If you can.", "I mean...", "Seems pretty easy.", "Ooh!", "What the...?", "Ooh!", "The fabled slapping tree", "Of gongqing forest.", "Barney:\nBeg your pardon.", "The \"fabled slapping tree", "Of gongqing forest\"?\nSure.", "Really? \"fabled.\"\nmmm.", "'cause I've never heard of it.", "I'm pretty sure\neverybody's heard of it.", "Guys?\nYup.", "Totally, yeah.\nI backpacked there in college.", "See?", "Fabled.\nIt even inspired", "A popular chinese\nchildren's book.", "It's a poignant parable", "Whose message, is if you\nlove someone, set them free.", "But not before first", "Slapping them right\nin their stupid face.", "As my training continued,", "I also learned the delicate art\nof chinese painting.", "That looks nothing\nlike this bowl of fruit!", "Marshall:\nMy training went on for a year.", "A year?\nA year.", "One year?\nNone of us noticed", "You were stuck in shanghai\nfor a year?", "I wasn't being held slaptive,", "I chose to stay and\ncomplete my training.", "I'm not even gonna...", "Just, whatever.", "You have shown great slaptitude,", "Young one.", "You are ready\nfor your final test.", "Slap me.", "What?", "Slap me, now!", "No, red bird, I can't.", "Slap me-- that is not a request.", "I won't!", "The vikings will never", "Win the super bo...\n(slap)", "Wait, how did you...?\n(slap)", "Lucky shot.", "I wasn't re...\n(slap)", "That's a big tip.", "You must have much gold.", "(two slaps)", "You are ready\nfor your final step.", "Awesome! Oh, man!", "I can't wait\nto slap barney stinson", "Right across his stupid fa...", "(slapping)", "What? What did I say?", "You must not slap anyone\nuntil your training is complete.", "The consequences could be dire.", "First, you must meet\nwhite flower,", "The second master,\nwho will teach you strength.", "She lives atop a mountain.", "Which mountain?", "No, not witch mountain.", "Slap mountain.", "Barney:\nHate to cut in\nagain here, but...", "Slap mountain?\nThat's right.", "You're claiming there's\na mountain in china", "In the exact shape of a hand?", "Everyone knows that.", "Right, guys?\nTrue.", "Totally.\nI backpacked there in college.", "It's the largest\nof the slappalachian mountains.", "(groans)", "And at the top...", "Excuse me? Uh, do you know", "Where I can find white flower?", "How dare you speak that name?", "That is the most feared name\nin 40 villages!", "Really? \"white flower\"?", "I'm sorry, it's just,\nit's not exactly voldemort.", "Bro!", "Why don't you\njust say \"candyman\"", "Three times and be done with it?", "Geez!", "(fly buzzing)", "Awesome!", "Can-can you teach me\nhow to do that?", "No, I retired\nfrom teaching long ago.", "Retired? You're like, 32.", "I am 106 years old.", "What is in these noodles?", "I'm sorry,\nbut my slapping days are over.", "Darn, I really wanted", "This next barney stinson slap\nto be special.", "This is to slap barney stinson?\nMmm.", "Yeah, okay,\nI'll totally teach you.", "The true power of any slap", "Comes from the anger behind it.", "So for a truly devastating slap,", "You must harvest\nthe anger of many.", "Every time", "Someone who hates barney\nslaps you in the face,", "The power of their anger goes\nfrom your face", "Into your hand.", "Marshall:\nWhite flower and I made love\nthat night in the forest.", "No, sorry. Flag on the play.", "You banged white flower?", "I made love to white flower.", "And then I banged her.", "In the forest?", "In gongqing forest, yes.", "Actually right near\nthe slapping tree.", "Which may or may not\nhave come into play.", "Oh, my god,\nyou had a tree-way?", "And, lily, you were okay\nwith marshall having an affair?", "What happens\nin the magical gongqing forest", "Stays in the magical\ngongqing forest.", "Best wife ever.", "Like I was saying,", "You need to harvest the anger", "Of others into your own slap.", "Now, dig deep.", "Can you think of anyone,", "Anyone at all", "Who hates barney stinson?", "(both laughing)", "I know, I know, I almost\ncouldn't get through it", "With a straight face!", "There are just so many people", "Who hate barney's guts!", "Moving on.", "(sighs)", "The point is, you need\nto go get slapped in the face", "By a bunch of gullible chicks\nbarney banged.", "I'm a friend\nof barney stinson. Ooh!", "I'm a friend of barney stins...", "I-I'm-I'm a friend\nof barney stinson. Aah!", "Ooh!", "I'm so sorry.", "I thought you said you were", "A friend of barney stinson.", "I did. Ooh!", "Oh!", "Ooh! Wow!", "Could you... Also...", "Slap me in the face?", "God, you're just\nas perverted as barney.", "Ooh!", "(groans)", "And after a while...", "Look at this thing--\nit's all hot and glowy!", "I'll never have\ncold pizza again!", "I'll never have cold pizza\nagain.", "Silence!", "Sorry, white flower.", "I've just got\na slappetite for destruction.", "Thanks for everything!", "I'm gonna go slap barney stinson", "Right in his stupid face!", "Wait, first you must\ngo learn accuracy", "From the one who is called\nthe calligrapher", "In the far-off,\nmystical land of...", "Cleveland?\nCleveland.", "Why cleveland?", "It's the city equivalent", "Of being slapped in the face.", "Bro.", "Man, is this place\na chain or something?", "One for dinner?", "No, I'm here to meet her.", "Bro.", "Can you teach me accuracy?", "I can.", "The proper question is: Will I?", "Grammar is the first step", "On the thousand-mile journey\nto accuracy.", "I'm, uh, assuming there's\nno mrs. The calligrapher?", "The path I've chosen\nis lonesome.", "But it's no big deal.", "I prefer being alone,\nI really do.", "Unless you know\nany single ladies", "You-you-you could\nset me up with.", "Nope.\nGood, because I prefer\nbeing alone.", "Also I'm sorry,", "But I retired\nfrom teaching long ago.", "Retired? You're like, 35.", "(groans)\nI'm 34.", "Oh, sorry.", "I use moisturizer every night.", "I thought my skin\nstill looked vibrant.", "It does, it does.", "Look, uh, I'm just...", "I'm really just here\nto finish my training,", "Um, so, the, uh,\nlook, the truth is,", "I have a divorced cousin\njust outside of akron.", "Now, I wouldn't call janice\neasy on the eyes--", "Or the springs\nof a bathroom scale--", "But if you want,\nI could set you up.", "Sold! Now, the most\nimportant lesson", "In learning accuracy...\n(choking)", "He was dying right\nbefore my eyes.", "So I did the only thing\nthat I could think to do.", "(stammers)\nplease!", "I slapped his back.", "And that's when I found out why", "\"no slapping until\nyour training is complete\"", "Is the most important rule.", "Because my slap...", "Was too powerful.", "I hadn't learned accuracy", "And so I couldn't control it.", "And, well...", "No!", "Stop it! Just stop!", "You did not slap the heart\nout of a man's body!", "If only that were true.", "You're saying\nthat you committed a murder?", "I was trying to save him!", "Shh, baby, it's okay,\nyou didn't mean to.", "He doesn't sleep.", "You got to move on.\nYou were only trying to help.", "You're making\nthis whole story up.", "I wish that I were.", "Because of the tragedy,", "I never got to\nfinish my training.", "I never learned accuracy.", "Because of that,\nI shall remain...", "Forever...", "A mere slapprentice.", "What does that mean, baby?", "Narrator:\nHere's what it meant.", "(\"o fortuna\" playing)", "(barney gasps)", "(yelling)", "Damn it!", "Please! Somebody!", "Help me!", "There's a crazy guy trying\nto slap me and he's...", "Oh, my god.", "Four women.", "And a willow tree.", "At least there's no tiger.", "Oh, my god.", "Is that... Half a tiger?", "You got here early.", "Aah!", "It's time.", "But you never completed\nyour training.", "Actually...", "Listen to me.\nI must speak fast.", "Once you've had your heart\nslapped out of your body,", "You've only got ten,\n15 minutes to live, max.", "Sure.\nThe trick to accuracy", "Is to, like,\ntry to be really accurate.", "Okay? Don't just slap.", "Like, like, really try to aim.", "Look where you're slapping,\nthat's important.", "And then try to slap that spot", "Instead of some other spot.", "Well, I guess\nthat's pretty much it.", "You can slap people now.", "(groans)", "He's gone.", "One other thing.", "Cleveland has a lot to offer.", "Be sure to check out\nthe james a. Garfield monument.", "Um, I mean, sure, he was only\npresident for four months", "Before he was assassinated,", "But if you get up to the top,\nyou can see almost for 30 miles.", "As long as the steel factory's\nnot smelting.", "(groans)", "He's gone.", "No, like I said,\nten, 15 minutes.", "Oh, god, this is awkward.", "Yeah, yeah.", "It's like when you're saying\ngood-bye to someone,", "And then you realize\nyou're both heading", "In the same direction.", "It's like, what\ndo we, what do we", "We say good-bye again or...?", "Right...\n(groans)", "He's gone.", "Wait, are you just pretending\nso it'll be less awkward?", "Should I just, like, go?", "Okay.", "My training is complete.", "I'm ready.", "I'm ready, too.", "I love you.", "Enough to take this slap for me?", "No.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "(grunts)", "That's four!", "All right!\nYeah!\nOh!", "Good one, you got me\nthat time, bro.", "Yeah, right?\nHey, only one slap left.", "Crazy! Where did the time go?", "I know, it's, like, uh,", "Slow down, life,\nyou know what I mean?", "(laughter)", "Hey, was that a fake jukebox?", "Yeah, yeah, fake jukebox.\nNice, nice.", "Aw, man.\nAll right.", "You okay? Yeah?\nYeah, yeah, good.", "Ladies and gentlemen,\nboyz ii men.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa ooh-ooh", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa ooh", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa what is this feeling", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa that's put you\nin your place? \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa a hot red burning", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa on the side of your face", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa ah \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa you feel the blood rush", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa to your cheek", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa tears start\nto fill your eyes \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa your lips are trembling,\nbut you can't speak \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa you're trying, oh", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa you're trying not to cry", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa you just got slapped", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa whoa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa across the face, my friend", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa yeah, you just got slapped", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa oh, yes", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa it really just happened", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa oh, yes, it did \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa oh, everybody saw it-- ha!", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa and everybody laughed\nand clapped \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa ooh, everybody saw it", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa ha! And everybody laughed\nand clapped \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa 'cause it was awesome\n\u00e2\u0099\u00aa so awesome \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa the way that you\njust got slapped \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa ooh, yeah\n\u00e2\u0099\u00aa slapped \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa oh, yeah.", "One more."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E15 Unpause": ["The mother:\nOkay, it's over.", "Ted:\nStarting the clock now.", "(exhales)", "(exhales)", "Labor sucks, huh?\nYeah.", "That fun-sounding name?", "It's totally misleading.", "(chuckles)", "Better have this baby soon.", "You know my\nmom's rule:", "Nothing good happens\nafter 2:00 a.M.", "Just like I don't buy\nwhat her son told me:", "\"let's go away\nfor one last weekend", "\"before the baby comes.", "We'll be fine!\"", "Well, I hate\nto point fingers,", "But you should\nnever listen to me.", "You know that.", "That's my bad.", "Oh!", "Here comes\nanother one.\nAlready?", "Yeah, yep, yep.\nOkay, okay, okay.", "We should get you to\nthe hospital. Come on.", "The mother:\nOkay.", "Ted:\nOh, here we go.", "Sho-sho-shoes,\nbaby-baby-baby...", "You guys can't still see where\nmarshall slapped me, can you?", "Your face looks like\na \"don't walk\" signal.", "Your face looks like\na photo negative", "Of the hamburger helper box.", "A palm reader could\ntell marshall's future", "By studying your face.", "The phrase \"talk to the hand\n'cause the face ain't listening\"", "Doesn't work for you", "Because the hand\nis on your face.", "A simple \"yes\"\nwould've sufficed.", "Lily:\nOh, baby,", "I missed you so much.", "I am so angry!", "I am gonna tear you\napart tonight.", "I am gonna\ntear you", "Apart tonight!\nOkay, okay.", "Look, we said\nthat we wouldn't fight", "Until the gang was all done\nhanging out, remember?", "Narrator:\nEver since lily\nheard that marshall", "Had accepted an offer\nto be a judge,", "Thus jeopardizing\ntheir planned year in Italy,", "They both knew\na big fight was coming.", "But when they finally\nsaw each other...", "Pause?", "Pause.", "Narrator:\nSee, lily and marshall\nhad a long tradition", "Of hitting \"pause\"\non their arguments.", "Sometimes they paused because", "They suddenly had\nother things to do.", "We have to stick\nto our budget! Okay?", "You cannot be out there\nbuying all these", "Brazilian bikini waxes", "And kama sutra body oils", "And edible...\nPause.", "Narrator:\nSometimes, they paused\nto keep their fights", "From subtly changing subjects.", "Baby, I cannot\nput up with", "Your shoes being\nall over the house!", "Why not? I put up with\nyour terrible mother.", "(gasps)", "Pause!\nPause.", "Narrator:\nAnd now that they were paused,", "Marshall realized\nhe would do anything", "To stay paused\nfor as long as he could.", "Okay, time\nto go to bed.", "Big day tomorrow.", "Big day tomorrow!\nBig day tomorrow!", "Marshall:\nScrew tomorrow!", "We go big tonight, huh?", "We go big tonight!\nWe go big tonight!", "(laughing)\nmarshall:\nI mean, uh...", "Come on, you know, uh,", "What time\nis it, anyway?", "Hey, where's\nthe baby?", "The elevator!\nThe elevator!", "(laughs)", "Ah, that joke just\nnever gets old.", "And it's not at all inspired\nby real-life events.", "No, it is not.\nMm-mm.", "Anyway, the sitter has\nmarvin for the night.", "Ooh!", "And now...\nThe best thing", "To come out of my\ncross-country trip:", "A little segment I like to call", "\"embarrassing souvenirs I picked\nup from ted's childhood home.\"", "(robin giggles)", "(barney laughs)", "\"totally\nawesome ted.\"", "What, did you steal this off\nsome other kid named ted?", "I'm just getting\nwarmed up here.", "(laughing):\nThis is fun.", "We're all...\nYou know, it's...", "I'm having fun.\n(marshall chuckles)", "When you squeeze this toy,\na recording of ted says,", "\"I wuv you, mommy!\"", "Oh, but\nthat's sweet!", "Why would we make\nfun of him for that?", "He gave it to her\nwhen he was 19.", "Ted (recorded):\nI wuv you, mommy.", "(laughing)", "And lastly, a photo\nof young ted", "And his best friend\ndressed up like cowboys.", "No, oh, all right.", "Leave him alone.", "His best friend\nwas a balloon.", "Robin:\nI want to see that picture", "More than I want\nto get married!", "(laughing)", "I hate you so much.", "(deep voice):\nOo yah maya stupa koon!", "Ho ho ho ho!", "Narrator:\nOver the years, we'd seen", "All sorts of levels\nof barney's drunkenness.", "How you doin'?", "Narrator:\n\"richard dawson drunk...\"", "Ah, is this\nyour sister?", "Narrator:\n\"big plans with strangers\ndrunk...\"", "Hey!", "Me and the road dawgs", "Going splitsies on a time share\nin flint, michigan!", "And...", "Non-refundably booked!", "Come on! I'm gonna buy\nyou all some mopeds!", "Road dawgs!", "Narrator:\nAnd \"marcel marceau drunk...\"", "But we knew the night was over\nwhenever barney got...", "\"jabba drunk.\"", "So drunk that his speech", "Bore an uncanny\nresemblance to that of...", "Jabba the hutt from\nreturn of the jedi.", "Bo shuda!", "Ha ha ha!", "Okay, we have to go to bed.", "Big day tomorrow.", "Big day tomorrow!\nNoon-eeg han solo!", "Marshall:\nScrew tomorrow!", "Let's go big tonight!", "We go big\ntonight!\nAh wotto potto tapa ho!", "No, marshall, let's go now.", "Okay, okay,\nokay, okay.", "Look, I-I guess we\nhave to do this.", "Okay, first off, I know how\nimportant Italy was to you...", "Shut up and do me!", "Okay, we have\nto go to bed.", "Yeah.", "Yeah.\nI need to get", "My ear hair trimmed\nin the morning.", "It's like a rain forest\nin there.", "Uh, why would you volunteer\nthat information?", "Because it's the truth.", "Also, I peed a little\non my tie at the urinal.", "Uh, barney...", "Who's taller: Me or you?", "You're taller.\nI wear lifts in all my shoes.", "Oh, my god, robin...", "Barney has reached\na whole new level.", "He's \"truth serum drunk.\"", "He can't lie.", "So we can finally\nget the answers", "We've always\nbeen wondering about.", "Look, I know you said\nyou had to go to bed,", "But I really think...", "Screw tomorrow!", "We go big tonight.", "Yeah.", "Hey, buddy.\nHey, buddy.", "Wait, wait, wait,\nwait, wait.", "We're not unpaused?", "Not yet.", "Mama needs some papa.", "But as soon as we're\ndone having sex,", "We are having that fight!", "Wait, so we're...", "Not gonna fight", "Until after we're\ndone having sex.", "Challenge accepted.", "Um, so... Just,\njust to be clear,", "After we finish\nhaving sex,", "That's when we'll\nhave our fight?", "That's right.", "Excuse me.", "Okay, marshall.", "It's go time.", "You've had great nights\nof sex before,", "Most of them with lily,", "A few by yourself--", "And we'll always have that", "Unscrambled spice channel\nglitch of '93--", "But this has got to be\nthe performance of a lifetime.", "Jimi hendrix at monterey.", "James brown at the apollo.", "Your law school funk band\npretty much anywhere.", "So get out there", "And bang your wife for\nas long as you possibly can!", "Not a good sign that\nI'm already out of breath.", "So... Barney will answer", "Any question we ask him\nwith the truth?", "I think so.", "Honey...", "When that bryan adams song\ncame on the radio,", "Did two mosquitoes\nreally fly into your eyes", "At the same time?", "No.", "I got all choked up\nthinking about how", "Everything he does,\nhe does it for her.", "Checks out.", "Okay, what next?", "I mean, it's...", "It's so hard to know\nwhere to begin.", "I mean, there are so many...", "What did you do to my mom?!", "Barney:\nWell, that night,", "We were in my car...", "I was wrong!\nI can't handle this!", "Uh, just tell me\nin baseball terms.", "I got thrown out\ntrying to stretch", "A single into a double.", "(gasps)", "I can live with that.", "How about that time\nyou walked into the bar", "Wearing \"triple-x-ray goggles\"?", "Well, hello,\nyou two lovely ladies.", "What are you wearing?", "Oh, hey, robin,\ndidn't see you there.", "Just triple-x-ray goggles,\nno big deal.\nOh...", "There is no way\nthose things work.", "I'm not even here.", "Just act natural.", "Right.", "'cause that jacket's\nmade of lead.", "Those things\ndidn't work, did they?", "Absolutely. Lily's boobs\nalways work for me.", "Oh, the goggles?\nNo.", "Next question.", "You keep saying \"ring bear\"", "Instead of ring bear-er.", "Will there or will there not", "Be a bear at our wedding?", "The truth is...", "Aggle flaggle klabble.", "Wumby flappy snurp...", "Oh, my god, he's dipped back\ndown to jabba drunk!", "Give him\nanother drink!", "Come on.", "Oh, yeah, baby.", "I could go all night.", "I can't hold out much longer!", "What are the least arousing\nthings I can think of?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa day-old roadkill", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa ah, yeah...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa fingernail", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa fingernail clippings", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa that is some dull stuff", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa how your tmj night guard\nsmells in the morning \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa nasty", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa bugs...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa mmm", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa more bugs", "Marshall:\nIt's working! It's working!", "Uh-oh, it's working too well.", "Think sexy thoughts.\nThink sexy thoughts!", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa bugs with boobs...", "Lily:\nMarshall, are\nyou all right?", "You don't seem\nto be, um...", "Please, uh,\nexcuse medium-sized fudge.", "6 and 3/64 inches.", "Yeah, he's back\nto telling the truth.", "Okay, barney,", "How are you always able\nto do that magic trick", "Where you make doves appear?", "Special dehydrated birds\nI get in chinatown.", "I knew it!", "(sighs)\nokay. Okay.", "Will there or will there not", "Be a bear at our wedding?", "The truth is...", "Barney...\nOh, come on!", "I know that you always say", "That you don't\nneed any kind of", "\"help\" in bed,\nbut if you, um...", "I always keep\nthese on hand.", "But be\ncareful.", "When you go off, there's\na kickback like a cannon.", "Thank you.", "How much a year\ndo you spend on suits?", "Narrator:\nKids, I won't bother you\nwith the number...", "But it was a crapload.", "Around one crapload.", "That much?", "Well... Aren't you concerned\nabout your future?", "Nope.", "Especially since robin\nis massively wealthy.", "Barney!\nWhat?", "You're rich?", "L-like how rich?", "It's my family's money,\nnot mine.", "I-I don't really know how much.", "How much is her family worth?", "6,000 craploads.", "Canadian craploads.", "That much?!", "But when\nwe dated,", "I paid for everything.", "You didn't pay for everything.", "He paid for everything.", "I pick up our bar tab\nall the time.", "Three times\nin the last nine years.", "I took you out to tons\nof four-star restaurants.", "Figuring, on average,\ntwo meals out a week", "Plus 20% tip...", "12 and a half percent tip.", "Do you know\nhow much money you cost me?", "What am I?\nA prostitute?", "You are not a prostitute.", "No, a prostitute\nwould've been cheaper.", "Depends on the prostitute.", "Wait, hold on, ted.\nWhat are we doing?", "You're arguing\nabout robin's wealth", "When you really should be asking\nme embarrassing questions.", "He's right.", "Let's do this.", "Narrator:\nAnd so we did it.", "We asked barney\nall the questions", "We'd always wanted to.", "In one night? Four.", "In one family? Three.", "Yes, but not while she\nwas secretary of state.", "Yes, but not while she was\nsecretary of state.", "Just once.", "With a french male model henri.", "It was late.", "We were the last two people\nin the club.", "I was lonely and I figured,\nwhy not try it?", "That was the only time\nI ever split a cab.", "Yes, but not the m.I.T.\nYou're thinking of.", "The magician's institute\nof teaneck.", "I've had sex\nin ted's bed 14 times.", "I asked if you wear\nshoulder pads.", "I think I've just got\none question left.", "And it's a biggie.", "Barney stinson...", "...What do you do for a living?", "You did it.", "You banged your wife to sleep.", "Nice job...", "Still-big fudge.", "Ted:\nI wuv you, mommy.", "Unpause.", "Narrator:\nKids, in all the time\nwe knew barney,", "There was one question he would\nalways answer the same way.", "Seriously, what is it\nthat you do?", "(chuckles) please.", "Okay, seriously.", "What do you do for a living?", "(chuckles) please.", "Are you finally gonna tell me\nexactly what your job is?", "(chuckles) please.", "So, naturally, this was\na pretty big moment for us.", "Well, what do you do\nfor a living?", "Please.", "(groans)\ngod, he's not telling us.", "More booze.", "Not so fast, princess.", "I guess subtle clues\nand the bar tab", "Are two things\nyou just don't pick up.", "Because...", "I think he is telling us.", "Tell us more about this job.", "Barney:\nWell, as you know,", "Back in my hippie days,", "A business man came\ninto my coffee shop,", "Told me money was\nall that mattered,", "And stole my girlfriend.", "That's when I decided\nto become awesome.", "But I had no idea how to break\ninto the corporate world.", "So, hoping he wouldn't\nrecognize me,", "I went to the one person\nfrom whom", "I knew I could learn\neverything.", "Do we know each other, bro?", "We're all connected\nin gaia's great tapestry of...", "(clears throat)\nno.", "We don't.", "Bro.", "Wow, you went to m.I.T.", "Pretty impressive.", "I did get a perfect score\non the a.C.T.'s.", "Advanced card tricks.", "Well, look, buddy.", "You got a sweet r\u00c3\u00a9sum\u00c3\u00a9.", "But we don't have any openings\nyou're qualified for.", "They set me up!\nIt was a trap! It's a trap!", "We have one opening\nyou'd be perfect for.", "Great. What do I do?", "Please.", "\"provide legal exculpation\nand sign everything.\"", "Just show up every day,", "Scribble your name on\na bunch of documents,", "And we'll pay you\n16 craploads a year.", "Deets are in the contract.", "I'll give you time\nto think about it.", "I'll take it.", "Hold on.", "Did you even read this\nbefore signing it?", "No.", "(laughs)\nyou're hired.", "We'll work on that.", "Ted:\nWait.", "That's your job?", "You sign sketchy,\nlegally binding documents", "That could implicate you\nfor god knows what?", "Best job ever, right?", "No more pausing.", "We're getting\nthrough this argument.", "Okay.", "No potshots at my mom.", "Fine, no distracting me\nwith your calves.", "Fine.", "Look, I love you, lilypad.", "I love you, marshmallow.", "(deep breath)\nnow...", "(exhales)", "...How could you take\nthat job without telling me?!", "Baby, I'm sorry, but they needed\nan answer right away.", "This is a huge opportunity,", "It could be very good\nfor our family,", "And we have to\nat least talk about it.", "Sorry, you lost your chance\nto talk about it", "When you didn't talk about it.", "We're going to Italy.", "But I could be a judge.", "We can't give that up for\nwhat is clearly just a hobby.", "Pause.", "No pause.", "That \"hobby\" is my dream.", "We're going to Italy.", "But it's my dream to...", "We are going to Italy!", "Baby, can you just...?", "We are going to Italy!", "Don't you get it?", "You went behind my back.", "You hurt me.", "You were more selfish\nthan I have ever been to you.", "You broke up with me\nand moved to san francisco.", "Barney!\nYou're being stupid.", "The-the-the company is\nsetting you up as their fall guy", "For all of their\nillegal activities.", "No, you guys are being stupid.", "Especially ted.", "What? I didn't say anything.", "Narrator:\nAnd then, kids, barney revealed\nto us his master plan.", "It all went down a few months\nafter the wedding.", "Hey, greg?", "I know you're busy,", "But fyi, I've been colluding\nwith the feds.", "They know everything.", "And they're\non their way up right now", "To shut down this division\nand arrest you.", "Door closed or...?", "What?", "Why would you do that?", "Oh, gosh,\ncountless moral reasons...", "Could have applied,", "But this is pretty much revenge\nfor stealing my girlfriend.", "See? That day, I vowed", "I would do everything\nin my power to track you down,", "Gain your trust,", "And then destroy you.", "Who are you?", "Who am I?", "Just a guy who served you", "Coffee once.", "Peace out, loser.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa barney stinson,\nbarney stinson \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "You son of a bitch!\n\u00e2\u0099\u00aa that guy's awesome", "I will destroy you!\nGet your hands off of me.\n\u00e2\u0099\u00aa awesome", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa awesome.", "Why are you", "Bringing up san francisco?", "That was seven years ago.", "Because you are being", "Selfish all over again.", "Marshall, I apologized", "Over and over again.", "Now you're saying you\nnever have forgiven me?", "There is", "Nothing more important to me\nthan our family.", "You know that.", "Well, let me ask.", "What if you had found\nsuccess in san francisco?", "How do I know that you even", "Would've come back to me?", "Stop it.", "Are marvin and I", "And any other future children\nwe may have", "Just some consolation prize?", "I have to get out of here.", "Babe?", "(door slams)", "So, barney,", "I still haven't\nheard you pronounce", "That last syllable.", "At our wedding, will there be", "A ring bear-er?", "(deep breath)", "The truth is...", "...Yes, there will be\na ring bear-er.", "His name is trevor hudson,", "I worked with his mother,\nand he's adorable.", "I want our wedding\nto be perfect, robin.", "Me, too.", "Okay, I'm gonna go upstairs.", "He's okay to crash\nwith you, right?", "Yup, we'll see you\nin the morning.", "Hmm.", "I love you.", "I love you, too.", "Okay, I got one last question\nfor you.", "And I can't believe\nI haven't asked it yet.", "Dude, you're getting\nmarried tomorrow.", "How are you doing?\nGood.", "I mean, I'm a little nervous,", "But I love robin more\nthan I've ever loved anyone,", "And I'm gonna do everything\nI can to make her happy.", "For a long time,", "Deep down,", "I've felt sort of...", "Broken?", "But...", "I don't feel that way anymore.", "Robin, along with the idea", "That vengeance\nwill soon be mine,", "Has made me 100% awesome.", "I'm proud of you, buddy.", "Globan froban.", "Ho, ho, ho.", "Okay.", "Come on, jabba.", "Big day tomorrow.", "(grunts)\ntab for the night?", "Just so you know,", "Those last few rounds of 35-year\nglen mckenna were not cheap.", "Whoa.", "Um...", "You know what?", "Charge them to the bride's room.", "Thank you.", "Come on.\n(muttering)", "Let's go. We got you.", "Narrator: Kids, it's your\ngrandmother's favorite rule.", "Nothing good happens\nafter 2:00 a.M.", "Hi. I-I know it's late,\nbut I've got to get out of here.", "Marshall and I\njust had a huge fight.", "You will?", "Oh, my god, thank you.", "Okay, here we go.", "You good, yeah?\nYeah.", "Okay.", "Okay.", "Everything is fine.", "Okay? Just don't freak out.", "I'm not freaking out.", "I was talking to myself.", "Do you have the baby?", "The elevator!\nWhat?!", "Marshall and lily are right.\nIt never gets old.", "Unless you're crowning.", "So proud of you.\nThank you.", "Penny is proud of you.", "Let's go get you a brother.", "Okay?\nHmm?", "You want a brother?\nAll right?", "I love you.\nI love you, too.", "You're gonna be great.", "Yeah, okay.", "Narrator:\n2:00 a.M., it's a good rule,", "But every rule\nhas an exception.", "And for us,\nthat exception was you, luke.", "We're having a baby!", "(yells)", "Come on, trevor hudson.", "It's feeding time."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E16 How Your Mother Met Me": ["\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "You're my best friend, barney.", "Good. Then, as your best friend,", "I suggest we play a game\nI like to call", "Have you met ted?", "What? Oh, my god.", "I'm so stupid.", "Stay there. I'm on my way.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa say, man", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa don't walk ahead\nof that woman \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa like she don't belong to you", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa just 'cause her\ngot them little skinny legs \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa you know that ain't\nno way to do \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa you didn't act like that\nwhen you had it home \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa behind closed doors", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa all right", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa now you act like\nyou're ashamed at a woman \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa don't even want\nnobody to know she's yours \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa but that's all right", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa you just walk on, baby", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa and don't you worry about\na doggone thing at all \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Excuse me. Pardon me.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa because there's some man\nsomewhere who'll take you \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa baby, skinny legs and all", "I am so, so sorry.", "I went to the one\non the west side.", "I was beginning to think\nthat you'd forgotten about me.\n(laughs)", "Narrator:\nKids, the night your aunt lily\nand uncle marshall got engaged,", "The night I met aunt robin,\nwas the night of your mom's", "21st birthday.\nHappy birthday.", "W-where's max?\nHe couldn't get a cab.", "Which is code for\n\"waited until the last minute", "To get me a birthday gift.\"", "Although...", "He always nails it.", "Two years ago,\nhe got me an exact replica", "Of the pee-wee's\nbig adventure bike.", "And last year, he got me\na one-man band suit", "Including knee cymbals.", "And these are things you want?", "No, these are things I need.", "(phone rings)\noh, that's max.", "Uh... I got to take this.", "Okay.", "Okay, you're officially\nsuper late now...", "Yes, this is she.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Woman:\nOkay, this is ridiculous.", "You've been sitting\naround for two years.", "It's time to get\nback out there.", "I have not been sitting around.\nI have been hard at work.", "I think I'm about to enter my", "\"robots doing track\nand field events\" period.", "It's a very exciting time.", "(door closes)", "Sweetie.", "I love you.", "And I can't imagine\nwhat it was like", "Going through what\nyou went through.", "But these are your 20s.", "It's st. Patrick's day.", "The holiday of my people.", "You're not irish.\nBinge drinkers.", "Now, let's go.", "No, please don't\nmake me go out there.", "It's gonna rain.", "Bring your umbrella.", "(sighs)", "(dance music plays)", "How is the bathroom line\nthis long and yet the floor", "Is covered with urine?\nIf there's urine out here,", "What in god's name\nis going on in there?", "Screw this, we're holding it.\nLet's go dance.", "No, thanks.", "This is what\nI'm talking about.", "The love of your life\ncould be on that dance floor,", "Waiting for you\nto bump into him.", "If you're not there, he's just\ngonna bump into someone else.", "Somehow I doubt it.", "Oh, I'm sorry.", "No, that's okay.", "I'm going in.", "Wait, is that...", "Mitch.", "No way.\nHi.", "What are you doing\nin new york?", "I live here.\nWhat?", "Uh, this is my\nfriend, kelly.", "Hey.\nHi.", "Mitch was my instructor\nat orchestra camp.", "Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.\nKelly:\nOrchestra camp.", "It's not as lame\nas it sounds.", "We also did physics, so...\nRight.", "So, mitch, what are you\nup to these days?", "I'm still teaching orchestra.", "I'm at this public school\nup in the bronx.", "It's totally underfunded,", "A lot of the kids\ncan't afford instruments,", "But I really...\nTake my cello.", "What?\nYeah.", "Oh, yeah, you\ngotta take it.", "I haven't played\nit in years.", "It's just sitting\nin my closet.", "Give it to\none of the kids!", "Do you want to come\nand get it right now?", "Um... Okay.", "Okay, great. Let's go.\n(laughing)", "Okay, yes, you're doing\nsomething nice.", "But you're still\nbailing on me.", "So I guess, karmically...\nIt evens out?", "I'm just worried\nabout you.", "Don't be.", "Have fun.", "And who knows?", "Maybe you'll bump\ninto someone tonight.", "Oh...", "(exhales)", "Girl, I will\nsham-rock your world.", "(laughing):\nOkay...", "I'll...", "We'll...", "Okay.", "The mother:\nOkay, here it is.", "I haven't played this", "Since the popular girls\nlocked me inside the case.", "Although it was roomier\nthan when I played the violin...", "(gasps)\nwhat are you doing?!", "I don't know.", "What am I doing?", "I don't know!\nWhat are you doing?!", "This is my thing...", "It most certainly\nis your thing.", "Now, please cover your thing up.", "Sorry.", "I-I meant...", "This move.", "It's my thing.", "I call it \"the naked man.\"", "A few weeks ago,", "I was on a date,\nand it worked.", "And then I was on another date\nand it worked again,", "So I figured it would work\nall the time.", "Well, now you know\nit doesn't work all the time.", "Yeah.", "Although two out of three...", "Is this what it's gonna be like?", "Being single in new york?", "Even the nice guys turn out\nto be total creeps?", "I have gotten pretty creepy\nsince I moved here.", "I feel so lost right now.", "I don't even know\nwhat I'm doing with my life.", "Can I tell you\nan embarrassing story?", "Is it this one?", "Taking place right now?", "I felt lost", "For a long time, too.", "I was living in\nmy parents' basement.", "Playing video games, mastur...", "Ing those games,", "Until", "I finally woke up", "And realized I wanted\nto follow my dream", "Of teaching music.", "Let me save you a few years.", "Even if it sound\ncompletely crazy...", "What is it you want\nto do with your life?", "I want to end poverty.", "Great.", "Then every decision you make\nfrom here on out", "Should be in service of that.", "Wow.", "Thanks.", "You know,\nfor a minute there,", "I totally forgot\nyou were naked.", "(laughs)", "In a way...", "Aren't we all naked?", "Yeah, but your balls\nare on my couch.", "Hug?\nI will take a rain check.", "It's raining now.\n(gasps)", "Oh, my umbrella!\nOh! Uh...", "I will be\nright back.", "Um...\nLong story.", "(door closes)", "Nothing happened,\nI swear.", "Then why are you naked?", "Oh, what the hell?", "The mother:\nWhen I got to the club,\nit had already closed.", "By the next day,\nsome super inconsiderate", "Person had taken my umbrella.", "But by that point,\nI didn't care.", "I knew that if I really wanted\nto end poverty,", "I had to get a degree\nin economics.", "So...", "To answer your question,", "That's how I got here.", "I meant, how did you get here\nfrom the subway station?", "Oh.\nBut I'm only asking\n'cause I just moved to town.", "I don't even have\na place to live yet.", "Yeah, you do.", "Come live with me.", "My roommate just moved out.", "Are you sure?", "You just met me.", "I could be a serial killer.", "I like to believe in people.", "Plus, what are the chances\nthat we're both serial killers?", "(laughs)", "Just promise me there won't be", "Any naked men\nin the living room.", "Not a problem.", "I'm on permanent hiatus\nin the love department.", "Really?", "I find that hard to believe.", "I guess I'm\nold-fashioned.", "I believe that each of us\nonly gets one.", "And I got mine already.", "Well, if you ask me,", "You know what comes\nafter the one?", "The next one.", "(laughing):\nOh, yeah.", "Well, I don't really\nsee that happening", "Any time soon.", "Hi.", "Is this room seven?", "And so, if you must bring food\nto this class,", "Please bring enough\nfor everyone.", "I don't want to see someone", "Eating, say, lobster,\nin the front row", "Without sharing\nwith the rest of of us.", "Because that...", "Would be shellfish.", "(laughs)", "Come on,\nthat was funny.", "Anyway... (clears throat)\n...This is architecture 101.", "Architecture 101?", "Oh, no, I'm in the wrong class!\nI have to go!", "Oh, sorry.", "Um...", "Oh, god.", "Wait, I was in the right class.", "First day as a professor,\nwrong classroom, coming through!", "Ted:\nYou play bass?", "Seriously,\nask my friends.", "I always say", "My ideal woman...", "...Does not play bass,", "Because this is clearly\nyour roommate's.", "She's in a band.", "Damn, that's cool.", "This is unbelievable.", "You just picked out\nthe only three things in here", "That are my roommate's.", "So does your roommate's band\never play shows or...", "Get out.\nAll right.", "Okay, this is crazy.", "Do you know where this\numbrella came from?", "Because I could've\nsworn that I...", "What's wrong?", "Are you okay?", "We broke up.", "Oh... Well,\nI never liked him,", "And I never thought\nhe deserved you, and...", "I am sorry, I didn't know\nyou were dating someone.", "Who was this?", "He was the architecture\nprofessor.", "The one who taught\necon 305 by accident.", "Oh.", "That guy?", "Why did you break up?", "He's got a thing for you.", "What?", "Yeah, what?", "He's... What?", "How... Um, how could\nhe have a thing for me?", "He's never even met me.", "He didn't have to.", "Everything he saw of yours,\nhe went crazy for.", "You should've brought\nhim to my room.", "Okay? He would've\nrun screaming", "Once he saw my\ncalligraphy set,", "My coin collection,", "My chain-mail corset\nfrom the renaissance faire.", "Well, that's pretty cool.", "Come on.", "How could he not\nbe in love with you?", "The way you\nfall asleep on the couch", "When you're doing the crossword.", "When did he see me\nfall asleep on...", "The way your hair smells.", "The way your eyes sparkle.", "I might have some stuff\nto figure out.", "You might.\nI'm so sorry!", "No, uh, it's okay.", "It was nice.", "I haven't been kissed\nin a really long time.", "Not long after that,\nshe met a nice girl", "And they fell in love,", "So it's a happy ending--\nfor cindy anyway.", "I, however, am left\nwithout a roommate,", "So here we are.", "(chuckles)", "I have a confession.", "Uh, I don't need\na place to live.", "I saw your ad for the\nroommate, and I just...", "I-I really wanted to meet you.", "I-I'm a huge fan of your\nband superfreakonomics.", "Oh, my gosh, really?", "Really, I come\nto all your shows,", "And I'm not just saying this--\nI think you guys are", "The best economic-themed band\nin the entire city.", "Even better\nthan radiohedge fund?", "Oh, absolutely.", "I wish I had the guts\nto do what you do.", "I love to sing, but...", "You know what?", "Next time we do a show, you have\ngot to come up onstage with us", "And sing a song.", "Oh, no, I couldn't.\nMm-hmm.", "No, I'm, I'm, I'm too shy.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa but maybe just one song!", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa yeah!", "I mean, I don't like to think\nof superfreakonomics as my band.", "I think of it as my canvas", "Upon which I paint\nmy masterpieces.", "(laughs)", "And that right there is\nwhy I don't play bass.", "(laughter)", "Can I help you\nwith that?", "Uh, wow, thanks, superman.", "No problem.", "It's either help you", "Or stop a train\nfrom going off a cliff,", "And you're much cuter.", "(chuckles)", "Can I buy you a drink?", "Oh, no, sorry, I'm 16.", "Oh, wow, sorry.", "Have a good night.", "Wait, you believe that?", "I like you.", "Uh, sure,\nyou can buy me a drink.", "Maclaren's.", "The last time I was here,", "I thought this place\nwas called puzzles.", "That's an odd name.", "Why would you call a bar\npuzzles?", "Unless that's the puzzle.", "Well, um,", "Thank you for the drink.", "Uh, so, do you want\nto get dinner sometime?", "Um...", "Louis, you're really nice,\nbut...", "I was in love with somebody\na long time ago,", "And he died.", "Oh, I'm sorry.\nNo, I'm sorry.", "Uh, it's silly, but...", "It's like the first lottery\nticket I ever bought was...", "Kaboom, jackpot, and I'm pretty\nsure I'm not going to win again,", "Not like that anyway,", "So I don't generally buy\nlottery tickets anymore.", "I understand.", "So I should... Go.", "Well, if you\nchange your mind...", "...Give me a call.", "Okay.", "Okay, now we're even!", "What?!\nWhat?!", "So we got dinner.\nAnd?", "He's... Nice.", "Nice? He sounds amazing!", "Handsome, good dresser,\npaid for dinner.", "What more do you want?", "Do you know how rough\nit is out there?", "I once met a guy claiming\nto be a genie", "Whose penis grants wishes.", "Oh, my god,\nwho would even fall for that?", "The point is,\nlouis sounds great.", "Narrator:\nAnd that's how your mom\nstarted dating louis.", "And for a couple years,\nit was fun.", "The mother:\n\u00e2\u0099\u00aa one tasty english muffin", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa baby, that is what I am", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa ba-da-da-da-da-da-da", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa one tasty english muffin", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa with some raspberry jam.", "That's funny.\n(chuckles)", "Narrator:\nIt just wasn't love.", "But then fate intervened.", "Anyway, you guys wouldn't, uh,\nhappen to know of any", "Good wedding bands available\nat the last minute, would you?", "Hi. One ticket\nto farhampton, please.", "Narrator:\nNow, louis had a beach house\nout in farhampton,", "So he let your mother\nstay there.", "The day before the wedding,\nas she was taking", "Some cookies out of the oven,\nshe got an e-mail.", "(gasps)\nwhat the damn hell?!", "\"bass player wanted,\"\nthat is what the ad said.", "Can you believe that?", "After I'm the one who invited\ndarren into the band.", "What am I gonna do?", "You need to steal\nthis douche monkey's van.", "Then run my husband over\nwith it.", "Well, that's very tempting.", "I've never really been\nthe type of person to...", "\"must be hotter\nthan the girl we have now,", "Who, in my opinion,\nis a six at best\"?", "Aw, geez, what is this\nknucklehead doing?", "Excuse me! Hey!", "You guys need a lift?", "Darren:\nThe best man just punched me", "In the face for no reason.", "You know what? I quit.", "You can have\nyour stupid band back.", "Linus, whoever that best man is,", "I would like to buy him\na double of your finest scotch.", "Louis!", "Will you marry me?", "Can you give me a minute?\nUm... Okay.", "There's someone\nthat I need to talk to.", "I'll-I'll be right back.", "(breathes heavily)", "Hi, max. It's me.", "Sorry to interrupt.", "I know you're probably up there\nplaying baseball with your dad.", "Um, look, I-I've got\na situation here.", "I think that I have been\nholding myself back", "From falling in love again.", "(voice breaks):\nAnd I think it's because\nI can't let you go.", "But you're not here anymore...", "So I have to ask this:", "Would it be okay\nif I moved on?", "I realize that you have no way\nof answering that,", "But, um...", "Oh, okay... (laughs)", "I will take that as yes.", "Um, in that case,\nI should get back in there.", "(voice breaks):\nI guess this is it.", "For real this time.", "Bye, max. (sniffles)", "(sighs, sniffles)", "So?", "My answer is...", "No.", "(sighs)", "(sobs)", "Desk clerk:\nYou're in luck.", "Mother of the bride\nnever checked in.", "How many keys\nwill you be needing?", "Just one.", "Yeah.\nI just...", "I broke up with someone.", "I think room number six\nis the room for you.", "Thank you.", "(plays soft chord)", "(plays soft ballad)", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa hold me close\nand hold me fast \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa this magic spell you cast", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa this is la vie en rose", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa when you kiss me,\nheaven sighs \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa and though I close my eyes", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I see la vie en rose", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa when you press me\nto your heart \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I'm in a world apart", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa a world where roses bloom", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa and when you speak,\nangels sing from above \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa everyday words", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa seem to turn into love songs", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa give your heart and soul\nto me \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa and life will always be", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa la vie en rose.", "(plays ending chord)", "Narrator:\nKids, I must have heard\nyour mom's rendition", "Of \"la vie en rose\"\na million times over the years.", "Every night when she tucked\nyou in, for instance.", "But that performance,", "That first night\nI ever heard her sing,", "That one will always be\nmy favorite.", "Wow.", "Barney, I was just out there\non the patio...", "And there's someone\nin the room next to us.", "I didn't see her, but...", "Well, she was playing\nthe ukulele...", "Barney?"], "How I Met Your Mother S09E17 Sunrise": ["Man:\nWell, that party was a dud.", "Man 2: I think I struck out\nwith, like, 20 girls.", "And...\nMy condom expired.", "We are losers!", "We've tried\neverything.\n(sighs)", "We're covered\nin drakkar,", "I've got fresh\nnew white socks,", "And I thought our\nmime work in there", "Was excellent!", "What?", "Um, are we in a zombie\nmovie right now?", "(hiccups)", "(scoffs)", "(sniffing)", "Boys...", "Today is your lucky day.", "Because today...", "I'm gonna teach you\nhow to...", "(vomiting)", "...Live.", "Who's got gum?", "Narrator:\nKids, for a brief period\nwhen I was seven,", "My best friend was a balloon.", "It was the classic story:", "Boy meets balloon,", "Boy and balloon become friends,", "Boy loses balloon", "When mom sets out hot dogs\nin the backyard.", "No!", "Narrator:\nDecades later, boy's new\nbest friend finds out", "About the whole thing and never\nlets him live it down.", "I hate you so much.", "Narrator:\nThe whole thing\ntaught me a lesson.", "If you love something,", "You can never let it go,", "Not even for a second,", "Or it's gone forever.", "Well, at least\nI still got my hot dogs.", "No!", "Narrator:\nIt was a lesson that took me", "Nearly 30 years to unlearn.", "Where could barney be?", "Oh, relax.\nHe always finds\nhis way home.", "St. Patrick's\nday, 2008.", "He did not find his\nway home that night.", "That dumpster was\na block from his apartment.", "I call\nthat a win.\n(laughs)", "Also, that isn't\nthe filthiest trash\nhe's ever slept with.", "Ho! My future\nhusband, folks!", "(both laughing)", "Or maybe he bailed\non the wedding.", "Oh, come on.", "Don't even\nthink like that.", "Well, he's terrified\nof commitment--", "Although, ironically,\nloves being tied down...", "Look, as the run-offee\nat my own almost-wedding,", "I can tell you\nyou are fine.", "Barney is no stella.\nMmm.", "Hey, have you talked\nto her in a while?", "Stella?\nYeah.", "The woman who\nbroke my heart", "And embarrassed me\nin front of", "All my friends\nand loved ones?", "(laughing):\nUh... No.", "Narrator:\nThat was a lie.", "A few days earlier,", "I had talked\nto stella on the phone.", "Because, as you may recall,", "I'm kind of\nthe wedding gift master.", "Okay, I'm gonna stop you.", "Do you not hear", "How weird this all sounds?", "You're going to your\nex-girlfriend's wedding.", "It's not weird at all.\nWhere you'll be the best man...", "Utterly not weird.", "And now, less than\na week before the wedding,", "You're calling the woman\nwho left you at the altar", "And moved three time zones away", "On the razor-thin chance", "That I somehow ended up", "With her grandmother's locket?", "You know what's weird, stella?", "Not seeing star wars", "Until you're 30.", "You're trying\nto blow up the wedding.", "You called c-3po \"the tin man.\"", "He is made of tin!", "It's tatooine scrap metal!", "This is not an argument\nyou are gonna win.", "Now, do you have\nthe locket or not?", "Look, I might have it somewhere", "In one of my old boxes\nin our storage locker,", "But even if I did, I cannot get\nout there this week.", "I'm totally swamped.", "One ticket to los angeles,\nplease.", "Marshall:\nSo the reason someone\ncan't come up", "To fix the air conditioning", "Is that the ghost\nof captain dearduff,", "Who haunts this room,", "Likes it muggy?", "That's correct.", "Although, now that\nI say it out loud,", "It does sound\nkind of ridiculous,", "Because there's\nno such thing as ghosts.", "Right?", "You have outflanked me,\nfront desk guy!", "Victory is yours!", "Narrator:\nThe truth is, there was\na ghost in that room.", "You see, minutes earlier,", "Marshall had been in the middle\nof the worst fight", "Of his marriage,", "When all of sudden,\nlily stormed out.", "Damn it, lily.", "This is so unfair.", "I know!", "Storming out in\nthe middle of an argument?", "So childish!", "Thank you,\nghost lily.", "I'm glad at least\nyou see it that way.", "Although, let's be honest,\nI did you a favor.", "You were gonna lose.", "I... What?", "I was gonna lose?", "Uh, check your spectral\nscorecard, ghost lily.", "I had you on the ropes.", "That's why you ran out.", "I ran out because\nyou brought up san francisco.", "It was a valid point.", "It's ancient history.", "If you're mad at anyone,", "You're mad at 2006 lily.", "Well, I can't very well\nhave an argument with 2006...", "(\u00c3\u00a0 la borat):\nIs nice!", "(normal voice):\nDo people still say that?", "I'm sorry,\nhow exactly", "Are you gonna\nteach us how to live?", "The journey to awesome", "Starts with a single...", "Actually, lots of singles.", "We're going to a strip club.", "(laughs)\nstrip club?", "We're in the middle\nof nowhere.", "There is always\na strip club.", "Hey, are you a little worried\nthis guy might kill us?", "We just put a down payment\non adult bunk beds.", "Would getting killed\nreally be so bad?", "Good point.\nI got a weird feeling.", "I mean, there's\nsomething off about...", "Whoa!", "Barney:\nQuestion:", "Why does this sign\nsay \"gentlemen's club\"?", "Answer: Because the crab shed", "Is a place for gentlemen.", "A gentleman", "Tips generously.", "A gentleman uses", "The complimentary\nbathroom cologne...", "(whispering):\n...But not too much.", "Oh. This is\nimportant.", "Your instinct may be", "To avoid the free buffet.", "Your instinct is wrong.", "Don't sleep on the meatballs,\ngentlemen.", "They are", "Exquisite!", "Come on!", "You know,\nI liked stella.", "Even though she\nbroke your heart,", "I'd still put her\nin your top five.", "Which are...?", "All right,\nnumber five, stella.\nMm-hmm.", "Number four,\nzoey.", "Number three, uh,\nthe slutty pumpkin.", "Ah.", "That time you guys\npretended to be a couple", "When barney was trying\nto sell the apartment.", "(both laugh)", "And number one,\nvictoria.", "Well, you've given\nthis some thought.", "Well, we all have.", "There's kind of a running\ne-mail chain about it.", "But the pastry chef\nwas the best.", "No question.", "I do miss her\nsticky buns.", "Uh, euphemism?", "Nope.\n(laughs)", "Can I be honest?", "Um, it was kind of crazy\nhow all of sudden", "It was just... Over\nbetween you and victoria.", "I mean...", "You guys were seven\nyears in the making.", "She left her fianc\u00c3\u00a9\nfor you.", "What... Why would\nyou break up?", "What happened?", "(clears throat)", "We, um...", "We broke up because of you.", "Oh, my god,\nthis is amazing!", "I ruined my pants, but\nit's totally worth it!", "Best meatballs ever!", "Mmm!\nI'm gonna ask", "A serious question\nright now.", "Can a person live\nin a strip club?", "Yes.", "For the next few years,", "Your strip club\nwill be like home.", "Then, one day,\nyou'll date a stripper", "And almost marry her,\nand after that,", "You'll realize\nyou're done with strip clubs.", "In the sense that you'll dial it\nback to, like, once a week.", "I feel like I can\ntalk to women now.\nYeah.", "You just stick\na dollar bill in your mouth,", "And the conversation\nstarts itself.", "You know, I think we're ready\nto go back to that party", "And meet some ladies.", "(laughs)\nyeah!", "Yeah!\nYeah!", "You! Are!\nNot! Ready!", "Your training is complete", "When I say\nyour training is complete!", "Come on, let's go.", "You-you broke up with victoria", "Because of me?", "She didn't want us\nto be friends anymore,", "So I had to let her go.", "Ted...", "I just...", "Wow, I...", "And-and you haven't\ntalked to her since?", "Haven't talked to her since.", "Narrator:\nAlso a lie.", "Unbelievable.", "And I assume this is\nall in the hopes", "That robin'll ditch\nher own wedding", "And run off with you?", "What? No.", "I would never.", "You would never\nrun off with a girl", "On the day of her wedding?", "Ri...", "Okay, that's a fair point.", "I'm not done.", "...Ight.", "So, do you have it?", "I'm looking at it right now.", "What?\nOh, uh... Stay there.", "I'm-I'm on my way.", "I'm in germany.", "Danke schon!", "I see.", "Look, if it means\nthat much to you,", "As soon as I'm done\nhere at the bakery,", "I'll overnight it.", "It'll be there in 24 hours.", "(exhales)", "Thank you.", "So this bakery,\nwhat kind of, uh...", "You want me to send you", "Some chocolate truffle\nstreuselkuchen?", "Yes, please,\nyou're the best, thank you.", "Narrator:\nBut then, 24 hours later...", "Disaster.", "Man:\nI'm sorry, mr. Mosby.", "It says here your package\nwas delivered earlier today.", "Your wife signed for it.", "My... What?", "I... I don't have a wife.", "So, then, who's jeanette mosby?", "Oh, you're kidding me.", "Oh, my gosh,\n2013 me!", "So many questions!", "How many myspace friends\ndo I have now?", "Has james blunt\nput out", "The steady stream\nof number one hits", "We all expect from him?", "And why are we in\nthis hotel room?", "We're here for barney's wedding.", "Barney's wedding?", "Oh, god.", "What desperate ho-bag", "Is handcuffing herself\nto that time bomb?", "My dad did a real\nnumber on me.", "Okay, uh... Ghost lily,\nseven-years-ago ghost lily,", "Can we get on with this", "So I can win the argument", "And we can move on to my\nregularly scheduled fantasy", "Of you two making out\nwith each other?", "Sure.\nJust so\nyou know,", "I really like it when...", "I know.\nI'm you.", "And I don't like\nthat anymore.", "Marshall:\nOkay, yes,", "Seven-years-ago lily,", "Maybe I am wrong\nfor still being mad at you", "About san francisco\nand our breakup.", "But the truth is,\nwhen you left me,", "That was the saddest\nI've ever been in my life.", "Really?", "The saddest you've\never been in your life?", "Saddest I've ever been\nin my life.", "I mean, I am\nsitting right here.", "Look, dad, yes, obviously,\nlosing you was way worse,", "But I'm trying to make\na bigger point here.", "And what point is that?", "Because she hurt you once,\nyou now get to hurt her?", "It's not how it works\nin a marriage.", "All:\nOoh...", "You're totally gonna lose.", "I can't believe\nyou're open at this hour.", "I'm always open\nfor my friends.", "What are we doing here?", "We should go back\nto the party.", "In relaxed-fit domestic denim?", "I'm sorry,\nis this a costume party,", "And you're going as 1994?", "Would you be a peach\nand bump this, please?", "Who cares\nabout any of this?", "They're just clothes.", "Just clothes? Ted--", "Sorry, force of habit--", "Boys, suits are cool.", "Exhibit a.", "I don't care\nhow well-dressed I am.", "The real challenge is walking\nup to a girl", "That I've never met before", "And somehow talking to her\nwith words from my mouth.", "I've looked at it\nfrom every possible angle.", "There's just no way to do it.", "(both chuckle)", "What's your name?", "Justin.", "Have you met justin?", "Uh, no. Hi, I'm julie.", "So simple, so elegant.", "Hmm.\nThat's it?", "You just walk up to someone\nyou don't know", "And introduce them\nto your buddy?", "I don't know.\nThat sounds kind of...", "Have you met kyle?", "Hi, kyle.", "Are you jesus?!", "I would have understood,", "You know?", "I mean, if you told me", "That we couldn't be friends\nanymore,", "I-I wouldn't have liked it,", "But I, god,\nI would have understood.", "I could never do that.", "Ted, okay, I insist\nthat you tell me why not.", "Answer the question.\nIt's... It's for the bride.", "I'm not gonna answer\nthe question,", "Because you know the answer.", "You want to talk\nabout my top five?", "There's no top five, robin!", "There's just a top one,\nand it's you.", "And the only reason I'm saying\nany of this is 'cause", "I know that it's not gonna\nchange anything.", "You and barney are getting\nmarried today.", "If I have to hold the shotgun\nmyself, it's happening.", "I thought you don't like guns.", "I'm the best man.", "I swore on the bro code.", "I don't want to go to bro hell.", "Bro hell sounds bad.", "I'm sure barney's got\na whole thing about bro hell.", "But what about when we\nget back from our honeymoon?", "What about our first night out\nat the bar?", "But what then?", "I mean, is it gonna be weird?", "No.", "How can you be so sure?", "Because I'm not gonna be there.", "I'm moving to chicago.", "You're moving\nto chicago?\nThat's right.", "I'm gonna work\nfor hammond druthers.", "The penis-building guy?", "They're not all penis buildings.", "They just designed\nthis clamshell amphitheater", "For the st. Louis symphony.", "That one, it doesn't look\nlike a penis, anyway.", "I can't believe\nyou're leaving new york.", "Wait, is this be--\nis this because of me?", "No, it's not because of you.", "Well, maybe at first\nit was, but...", "(sighs)", "(grunts)", "It's been a really long week.", "Some stuff has happened and...", "It's just made me feel like\nit's, it's time to move on.", "Yes, good things happened\nto me in new york,", "But bad things happened, too.", "Like your top five\nworst relationships?", "Okay, come on. Let me hear it.", "Number five, blah blah.\nMm-hmm.", "Number four,\nboats, boats, boats.", "Number three, karen.\nMm.", "Number two, uh, zoey.\nShe made both lists.", "Number one, by a landslide,\njeanette.", "Jeanette, of course.\nBy the way,", "Have you talked\nto jeanette lately?", "I haven't talked to her.\nNarrator:\nLiar.", "So I was at your apartment\nstealing your mail,", "And apparently there's\nsome chick named victoria", "Sending you jewelry", "From germany?", "Somebody owes somebody\nan explanation.", "Jeanette, that locket\nis a wedding gift for robin.", "Robin?! Oh, god, this again?", "That I'm giving\nto her as a friend", "Because I'm kind\nof the wedding gift master!", "Now bring it back\nto me right now!", "Fine. Meet me\nat the bow bridge", "In central park in one hour.", "And by the way,\nI want kenny back.", "Who's kenny?!", "My pet tarantula.", "(gasps)", "By the way, I love your hair.", "I love your hair!", "Imaginary women, right?", "I need everyone\nto just be quiet, please.", "Look, I know that I could\nhave handled all of this better.", "But setting aside the fact\nthat all of our friends are here", "And that we don't speak italian,", "If we stay in new york, we both\nget to follow our dreams.", "Are we really gonna go someplace", "Where only one of us gets\nto do that?", "Of course not.\nWell, then how can you...?", "Wait-- what?", "We're not moving to Italy.", "We have a baby.\nIt makes sense to stay here.", "Even I know that.", "You do?", "So... I win?", "Well, then, ho, hey, ho.", "In your ethereal face,\nghost lily.", "Oh, yeah, the convincer\nright here!", "She thought I was gonna lose.", "You    agonna lose.", "You're gonna lose this.", "If you keep lying to me,", "If you keep cutting me out\nof decisions,", "If you keep using words\nlike \"winning\" and \"losing\"", "When you talk\nabout our marriage.", "It's not like it'll happen\nall at once,", "But if you keep acting\nthis way,", "Little by little,", "You're gonna lose me.", "Is that what you want?", "No, of course not.", "You're not my enemy.\nYou're my wife.", "(\u00c3\u00a0 la borat):\nMy wife!", "(normal voice):\nRight?", "No. Sorr... Sorry.", "We should\nprobably head back.", "Do you want to watch\nthe sun come up?", "Sure.", "Jeanette:\nThanks for meeting me here.", "I'm heading over to the east\nside to stuff a dead squirrel", "Into a different\nex-boyfriend's mailbox,", "So, you know, this made sense.", "Of course.", "So, can I have the locket?", "No.", "What? Jeanette...", "Ted, listen to me.\nYou're being crazy.", "I'm being crazy?!", "Yes! How long have you been\nhung up on robin?", "Eight years?!", "And you're still\nkilling yourself", "To fetch dumb little trinkets\nfor her. That's crazy!", "That's more than crazy.", "I don't think there's a word\nfor what that is!", "Actually, there is a word\nfor that. It's \"love.\"", "I'm in love with her, okay?", "If you're looking for the word\nthat means caring about someone", "Beyond all rationality\nand wanting them to have", "Everything they want,\nno matter how much", "It destroys you, it's love!", "And when you love someone,\nyou just, you...", "You don't stop, ever.", "Even when people roll their\neyes or call you crazy.", "Even then. Especially then!", "You just-- you don't give up!\nBecause if I could give up...", "If I could just, you know,\ntake the whole world's advice", "And-and move on and find someone\nelse, that wouldn't be love.", "That would be...", "That would be some other\ndisposable thing", "That is not worth fighting for.", "But I--\nthat is not what this is.", "So, please, can I have\nthe locket?", "Cuckoo.", "I think we should\nget back together.", "Robin:\nAnd... New day.", "Yep, new day.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa close your eyes...", "Okay, you need to get\nat least a little sleep.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa do you feel\nmy heart beating? \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa do you understand?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa do you feel the same?", "Barney (slurring):\nA few final thoughts.", "Don't get married\nuntil you're 30.", "Play laser tag once a week.", "Give at least as many high fives\nas you get.", "Teacup pigs are lady magnets,", "But very hard to care for.\nNot worth the effort.", "The same goes for dogs\nand babies.", "And most importantly,", "Whatever you do in this life,", "It's not legendary", "Unless your friends are there\nto see it.", "Good luck, boys.", "Take care of\nthe game for me.", "We will.", "Did you ever get\nhis name?", "No. What'd he give you?", "I don't know,", "But I think it's important.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa I don't want to lose\nthis feeling \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Lil-lily...", "I love you. And I'm so sorry.", "It doesn't matter\nwhere we live.", "I just want us\nto be...", "We're staying in new york.", "What? No.", "Yes.", "It just makes sense.", "I've missed you so much.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa am I only dreaming?", "I have to let go now.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa is this burning\nI know you do.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa an eternal flame?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa close your eyes,\ngive me your hand, darling \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa do you feel\nmy heart beating? \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa do you understand?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa do you feel the same?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa am I only dreaming?", "When we went out\non our first date,", "At the end\nof the night,", "Did you want me\nto kiss you?", "Yeah, I did.\nDamn it!"], "How I Met Your Mother S09E18 Rally": ["Oh, my god! You know that\nthere is gonna be champagne", "At this party, right?\nI know, I know.", "But we're gonna get\nthere and it's gonna be", "Everyone congratulating\nyou on your book,", "Saying, \"this is a revelation!", "\"you're gonna end\npoverty in our time.", "\"this is the greatest book\nanyone's ever written", "In any genre.\"", "You're the only one\nthat says that, sweetie.", "Well, it's true.", "So before I lose you", "To your adoring public,", "I just want to take\na moment, you and I,", "To celebrate the best\nyear of our lives.", "Happy new year.", "Happy new year.", "(grunts)", "We go big tonight!", "Easy there, buddy.", "We're old people, remember?", "We haven't even gone\nmedium sized in forever.", "And I cannot carry\nyou home in this dress.", "Sweetie, relax.", "I got this.", "Yeah, right.", "I can see your whole future.", "You are gonna be\nso hungover tomorrow.", "I'm gonna be fine.\nHmm.", "I made a vow, remember?", "Narrator:\nKids...", "The story behind that vow", "Took place the morning", "Of barney and robin's wedding.", "You see, after drinking\nway too much the night before,", "This is\nall your uncle barney remembers", "From the first two hours\nof his wedding day.", "(gasps)", "(roars)", "And that's it.", "Now here's how the rest of us", "Remember those two hours.", "(tape rewinding)", "Robin:\nFound him.", "You know, he looks better\nthan I thought he would.", "Rise and shine.", "Up and at 'em,\nlet's do this.", "There's a gas leak!", "The building's on fire!", "Your shoes don't\nmatch your belt!", "(moaning)", "Both: Uh-oh.", "(piano playing\nwagner's \"bridal chorus\")", "", "Okay, I think my fianc\u00c3\u00a9", "Peed himself a little.", "Oh, tomorrow\nI'm gonna be able to say", "My husband\npeed himself a little.", "(moaning)\ndon't worry.", "I accidentally spilled\nsome iced tea on him.", "Oh, thank god.", "(whispering):\nI didn't really spill", "Some iced tea on him.", "Oh, god, this is bad.", "We're doing\nfamily wedding pictures", "At the lighthouse\nin two hours.", "My father is paying\nfor the whole thing.", "He's gonna kill barney\nif he doesn't show up.", "Come on, your dad's tough.", "But won't he understand a\ngood old fashioned hangover?", "My father's recipe", "For a bloody mary", "Trades out tomato juice", "For wolf's blood.", "Ooh.\nOoh.", "Bloody mary?", "Sounds more like\na bloody scary.", "I'm gonna say it again.", "Uh, hold on.\nBloody mary?\nSounds more...", "You guys are forgetting", "Barney stinson has\na super power.", "He can't take a bad photo.", "(grunts)\nokay, here.", "Watch.", "Guys, barney may be dead.", "Marshall:\nThat's it!", "You know what? We are all\nnow seriously too old", "To keep doing this to ourselves!", "I vow here and now", "That I shall never again\nget that drunk in my life!", "Narrator:\nYeah, he'd wind up\nbreaking that vow.", "And I will not break that vow", "As sure as I will always\nhave a full head of hair!", "Woman:\nIn other elections today,", "In the race for new york\nstate supreme court,", "Judge brad morris...", "Mmm, just look at him.", "I would love to rub that down.", "(clears throat)\nsorry.", "Has increased his sizable lead", "Over judge marshall eriksen.", "It was supposed to\nbe a victory party.", "You ran\na great campaign, baby.", "Yeah, but it was\nthe most stressful", "Three weeks of my life!", "And in other results,\na surprise comeback.", "We are now ready to call the new\nyork state supreme court race", "For judge marshall eriksen.", "(all cheering)", "We'll go to judge eriksen\nfor a live statement", "In just a few minutes.", "(slurring):\nCome again for judge fudge?", "As your next commissioner...", "State supreme court judge.", "...Of gotham city...", "The state of new york.", "...I vow to make\nbatman work harder.", "I say", "Shine that bat-signal\neven for small stuff.", "Like, uh, shoveling snow.", "Or, like, uh, if a police horse\ndumps out in the park.", "Lily:\nOkay, well, that will be", "All at this time, thank you.", "That's all.\nOkay.", "Mmm, good night.", "Never again!", "I vow it!", "I am more worried\nabout the vows I have to take", "With this useless\npile of garbage", "A few hours from now.", "What do we do?", "You guys see the irony here.", "The only person\nwho could possibly get", "Barney back on his feet", "Is barney.", "Narrator:\nSee, over the years,", "We'd all come to experience", "Something barney called...", "Stinson's hangover fixer elixir!", "The most effective", "Post-bender,\nhead's-too-tender ender", "From here to denver.", "What's in it?", "Glad you asked.\nAh, I take it back.", "Columbia university, 1941...\nI take it back, I take it back.", "President franklin\ndelano roosevelt,", "Whom we all know is most famous\nfor being a world-class drunk,", "Commissioned a top-secret\nscientific project--", "Develop an elixir to cure\nthe common hangover.", "And what brilliant scientific\nmind did boozy old fdr pick", "To head up this historic task?\nTed: Look.", "My head really hurts.\nLet's just speed this along.", "You're clearly ripping off", "The story\nof the manhattan project,", "Which was run\nby dr. Robert oppenheimer.", "So I'm gonna guess it was\nyour distant relative...", "...Barnert stinsonheimer?", "Somebody's read\ntheir history books.", "The too many manhattans project", "Hit a few snags at first.", "The first batch exploded.", "Which sounded\nkind of like this.", "Boom!\nOh!", "You suck.", "Just let me finish.", "But the second batch...", "Sadly also exploded.", "Boom!\nOh!", "Why are you here right now?", "Do you want to hear\nthe story or not?", "Absolutely not. Please leave.", "After some trial and error,", "Dr. Stinsonheimer finally found", "The magic formula.", "Ted:\nHang on.", "Funyuns?", "Tantrum soda?", "Sure.", "In 1941?", "Sure.", "They haven't made\nnew tantrum since then.", "That stuff lasts a while.", "Anyway, the elixir\nwas such a success,", "He was awarded\nthe bro-bel prize.", "True story.", "Boom!", "Wh-wh-why?", "That time I was\njust messing with you.", "Just give me the stupid drink.", "(groans)", "Narrator:\nAnd the craziest part was...", "I-I feel better.", "Over the years,\neach of us would discover", "That barney's\nelixir actually worked.", "Like, way better.", "What's in this thing again?", "Stinson family secret.", "Oh, come on, you told me most of\nthe ingredients in your story.", "Just tell me the secret one.", "Ha! I'll never tell you.", "I'll take it with me\nto my grave.", "Damn it, barney!", "Why are you always so selfish?!", "We are trying to help you!", "Robin: Okay,\nwe somehow have", "Back on his feet before\nthe wedding pictures.", "Well, we know what barney\nwould want us to do.", "Woman:\nSay cheese.", "All: Cheese!", "Robin: No!", "We are not doing\nweekend at barney's!", "But that's the dream!", "I can't believe\nI just said that.", "Someone suggest\nsomething useful!", "Okay, here's the plan.", "Marshall, you and ted\ngo gather", "The ingredients we do know.", "Robin,", "You wake up barney long enough", "To find out\nthe secret ingredient.", "And I'll race down to the spa\nto keep my 8:15 mani and pedi.", "Okay, let's do this!", "Bitch?", "Walk out that door and I tag in", "Zabka as my maid of honor.", "Okay, let's start simple.", "Fresh ocean air.", "Come on, baby.", "Both:\nCome on, honey.", "Come on, love, yeah.\nBaby, baby.", "I'll get the elevator.", "Oh, I should get some water.", "Okay, so...", "Accidentally throwing\nbarney down the stairs", "Did not wake him up.", "Nor did banging his\nhead on each step", "As we dragged him back up here.", "So, how do we\nwake him up long enough", "To tell us the final ingredient?", "You know, when my sister and I", "Had trouble getting up\nfor school,", "My dad a few cute little tricks.", "(growling)", "I'll do it!", "I swear to god I'll do it!", "Your dad used to do this to you?", "Well, it was with\na cabbage patch doll and an ax.", "But same idea. Trust me.", "I was never late\nfor kindergarten again.", "What? Come on.", "(barney moaning)", "(groans)", "I second marshall's vow.", "I will never, ever get\nthat drunk again.", "Narrator:\nYeah. She would.", "Lily:\nMy baby boy's", "In college.", "Did you pack enough undies?", "Yes, mom.\n(shushes)", "Your father did a lot of puking", "In these hallowed halls.", "From-from binge studying.", "(quietly):\nSaved it.", "That reminds me, mister.", "No underage drinking.", "No good comes\nfrom hanging out", "In bars and getting drunk.", "But every story\nfrom your 20s starts in a bar.", "Listen to your mother.", "Oh, what are we gonna do\nwithout you in the house?", "(groans)", "We got him out of the house!\nDrink up!", "(grunts)", "(whoops)", "Oh...", "You son of a bitch!\nYou son of a me!", "All right, we got most\nof the ingredients on our list.", "Ginger, bananas, funyuns.", "I cannot believe\nthat minimart sold tantrum.", "It's been discontinued\nfor years.", "Uh, hey.\n(clears throat)", "Will you, uh,\ntoss me that bottle?", "Oh. Yeah, we haven't\ndone this forever.", "(smacks lips)", "Dude!", "You're a grown man.", "Why you throwing a tantrum?", "Nice!", "So awesome!", "So awesome!", "Okay, there's only", "One more item on the list and...", "It's an odd one.", "Grease?\nGrease.", "At the farhampton inn,\nwe don't cook with grease.", "Our menu is organic.", "Farm to table, locally grown.", "No \"grease.\"", "Sir,", "I am from minnesota,", "Where every meal\nis cooked with grease.", "And my father dubbed\nthat food the tastiest eats", "In the whole\ngosh darn world, so...", "And how is your father's health?", "Point is,\nit tastes really good.", "Also, uh,", "We need it to help a friend\nrecover from a hangover.", "Wait a second.", "There's bacon right here.", "And where there's bacon,", "There's bacon grease.", "Which we throw out.", "And we aren't making\nany more bacon today.", "Not unless it all somehow gets\neaten in the ten minutes", "Before breakfast is over.", "No, no, no!", "Ted, do not give me that look!", "A mountain of food.", "A ticking clock? Come on!", "You live for this stuff!", "No, I'm not a wild animal.", "I'm a columbia-educated lawyer,", "Poised to become a judge\nbefore age 35.", "And remind me,\nhow did you celebrate", "Getting accepted into columbia?", "You eat one\neight-pound block of fudge", "In 12 minutes\nand you're marked for life.", "You're not marked for life...", "Big fudge.", "I'm out, okay?", "You eat the bacon.", "You know I can't.", "I'm allergic.\nTed.", "I've been trying\nto tell you this for years.", "Your bacon allergy is a lie", "Your mother made up\nso you'd eat healthy as a kid.", "No, I'm just allergic\nto a lot of stuff.", "Bacon, doughnuts,", "Halloween candy.", "Not saying thank you.", "Oh, my god!", "That bitch lied to me!", "Okay, I'll-I'll do it.", "But I... Look, I don't, I don't\neven know if I'll like bacon.", "(sniffs)", "Mm-hmm.", "What do you think?", "(choir humming)", "I have seen the face of god.", "Okay, there is one thing\nwe haven't tried yet.", "Making out with each other.", "You really think\nthat will wake him up?", "Wake up who now?", "(barney moaning)", "(groans)", "Look at this soggy bag of snot.", "That's it,\nI am joining marshall's vow.", "I am never, ever getting\nthat drunk again.", "Narrator:\nKids, you see\nwhere this is going.", "Did last night really happen?", "I think so.", "Look, let's just agree.", "Absolute silence for\nthe rest of the day.", "(baby crying)", "(groans)\n(laughs)", "Every time.", "You want me to get her?", "No, I got her.", "(grunts)", "Yeah, I know, I know.", "(shushing)", "Hey, barney?", "Yeah?", "Whose baby is this?", "Uh, pardon.", "(speaks french)", "How could you, mom?!", "You had the map", "To heaven\nand you never showed me the way.", "May you rot\nin the bacon-less hell", "That I've lived in\nmy entire life.", "Yeah, they-they, uh,\ncrisp it up real nice here.", "Don't they?\nMm-hmm.", "What is that--\napplewood smoked?", "You know what, ted,", "You've been going\nat it real hard.", "Why don't you take a breather?", "And I'll drive us home.", "(growls)", "Well, congratulations.", "Here's your grease.\n(grunts)", "No!", "I don't want to lose a finger.\n(grunts)", "Here.\nThanks.", "All right, ted, let's go.", "No, no!", "I finally found\nthe one, marshall.", "Her name is bacon.", "You know, this would go great on\none of my mom's lt sandwiches.", "Buddy, you got to take it easy.", "Never!", "I got a lifetime without bacon\nto make up for.", "I will keep eating and eating", "And eating...\nOh, god, help me.", "I'm going down.", "Narrator:\nAnd that's the first", "And last time I ever ate bacon.", "He's not waking up!", "I'm out of ideas!", "We've tried everything!", "Not everything.", "Lily aldrin?", "Let's make out.", "(gasps)", "Are you sure?!", "Yeah, baby, I'm sure.", "Um...", "Okay, well, you know what?\nI mean...", "It probably won't even work.", "And it was stupid.", "I'm stupid.", "(shushing)", "You're beautiful.", "(gasps)", "More, more, more, more,\nmore, more, more, more.", "Whoa, he's awake!", "How'd you do it?!", "Nothing special.", "Hydration, patience.", "Quick, before he\npasses out again.", "Barney!\n(grunts)", "What's the secret ingredient", "In stinson's\nhangover fixer elixir?", "Come on, stay with us.", "The secret ingredient", "Is...", "Nothing.", "All: Huh?", "I ate too much bacon.", "Stinson's hangover fixer elixir", "Is a lie.", "That's the secret.", "You...", "You know, I could use\na little lie-down myself.", "So, stinson's hangover\nfixer elixir is a lie?", "Why would you lie about that?", "Like that one jerk\nin every high school", "Who brings in fake mushrooms", "Just to see\nwho's gullible enough", "To think they're tripping?", "Damn you, ollie gunderson.", "I knew those shrooms\ntasted like sea-monkeys.", "How do you know\nwhat sea-monkeys taste like?", "My older brothers are not...", "The best people.", "Why did you lie?", "I...", "Love you guys.", "He loves us?", "Let's throw him down\nthe stairs again.", "Yeah!\nYeah!", "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!\nThink about it.", "The first time barney", "Gave us that drink,", "Those hangovers all happened", "At the worst possible moments.", "Remember? Marshall thought\nhe botched day two", "Of the bar exam, so he freaked\nout that night and got wasted?", "Now I'm gonna miss\nthe last day of the bar?", "I'll never be a lawyer!", "I should just go back to being\na manager at structure.", "That ten percent\noff all vests sale?", "That was my idea!", "As was cutting the arms off", "All the shirts\nthat weren't selling.", "That's where I belong.", "No, marshall.", "You're gonna be a lawyer.", "(groans)\nno, I can't do it.", "Yes, you can. Your first day\nback live on the air", "Is gonna be legend--\nwait for it--", "Dary!", "Your kindergarten field trip", "To the jackhammer and\nsiren museum today...", "(groans)", "...Is gonna be legendary.", "No, it's not.", "Nothing's ever gonna\nbe legendary again.", "I-I'm never gonna\nrecover from this.", "It's just a hangover, ted.", "Not that!", "I got left at the altar, barney.", "I'm now a guy\nwho got left at the altar.", "There's no coming back\nfrom that.", "Drink this.", "You're gonna be okay.", "Barney made up the stinson's\nhangover fixer elixir", "So we would all believe\nthat we could rally.", "I mean, even though it's fake,\nit-it worked.", "Like-like dumbo's feather.", "Dum-bro's feather.", "A placebo.", "Place-bro.", "A sugar pill.", "(gasps)", "I...", "He lied so we'd be okay.", "Hmm.", "Barney does love us.", "I wish we could help him out\nthe way he helped us.", "But the wedding photos\nare in 20 minutes.", "(groans)\nmy dad's gonna be so pissed.", "Yup.", "Barney's a dead man.", "(camera shutter clicking)", "Barney?", "You were always a bit...", "Chatty and blond", "For my taste. Like a woman.", "But this new side of you--", "Quiet,", "Steady?", "I like it!", "You've earned my\nrespect today, son.", "I request the highest of fives.", "Oh, no.\nStay cool.", "I got this.", "Barney:\nI don't believe this.", "You did weekend at barney's.", "And it worked.", "God, today's gonna be\nall downhill from here.", "That's what the bride\nwants to hear.", "No, that's not what I meant.", "I just mean weekend at barney's", "Is a thousand times more amazing\nthan our wedding could ever be.", "I'm gonna get some more coffee.\nI can't wait to see the photos!", "Well, he bought it.", "We lied out of love.", "Look how happy he is.", "I mean, he has no idea\nwe had to cancel", "The wedding photos\nand my dad was so angry,", "He came up to our room\nand kicked barney in the crotch.", "And the best part is\nyour dad has no idea.", "He still loves me.", "Hey, do anyone else's\nballs hurt?", "Marshall:\nAnd, look,", "Some good came out of all this.", "Seeing you like that,\nwe all vowed", "Never to get that drunk again.", "Well, actually I didn't.", "But I will now.", "Never again.", "Never again.\nNever again.\nNever... Ow!", "Narrator: Kids, no matter\nhow hard we try,", "Even the best of us go\na little too wild sometimes.", "And in those moments,\nwe all need", "Someone who loves us\nto help us rally.", "(groans)", "(whispers):\nHappy new year.\nOkay.", "That was, that was way too loud.", "You're practically screaming.", "What you need", "Is stinson's\nhangover fixer elixir.", "Even if that means lying\nonce in a while.", "Does it work?", "Totally works.", "(gags)", "It's normal,\nit's totally normal.", "(groans)", "(laughs)\nI love you so much.", "I love you, too.", "Whoop, whoop.", "Better drink it fast.", "Both: Mommy!", "Hey, look who it is!", "Get her!", "(all clamoring)", "I can't believe we kissed today.", "Weird.", "I-I feel kind of bad", "That, um,\nted and marshall missed it.", "Hey, we should kiss\none more time", "In front of them just to,\nlike, blow their minds.", "Right?", "Nah, I don't think so.", "Exactly, totally.", "Ha-ha, guys, you don't get\nto see this kiss either.", "So, where should we go?", "Closet, patio?", "Ooh, I think the sauna's open.", "Well, I... Actually...", "To be honest,\nit-it felt kind of weird to me.", "Once was enough.", "Totally.", "We could kiss.", "We could not kiss.", "We could kiss.", "Doesn't matter to me.", "It's stupid.", "I'm stupid.", "So stupid."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E19 Vesuvius": ["Thank you for\nbringing me here.", "I am so glad we made\nit. That snowstorm", "Was getting really bad.", "Wait, you think\nthis is a snowstorm?", "This is nothing.\nI'll tell you about a snowstorm.", "It was winter break,\nfreshman year of college...", "Marshall and I were\nroommates, but we weren't", "Really good friends yet.\nThe mother: Wait, stop.", "You've told me this one before.", "I have? When?", "Uh, let's see. It was...", "All the time.", "Really?\n(deep breath)", "You and marshall\ndrove back to school...", "\"500 miles\" played on a loop.", "You took a back road,\nran out of gas,", "Got stuck in a snowstorm,\nspooned to stay warm--", "At least that's your story--", "And at the end of it,\nyou were best friends.", "Okay. Okay, that's fine,\nbecause guess what.", "That wasn't even\nthe worst snowstorm ever.", "It was 2008...", "Barney and I...\nThe mother: Took over the bar,", "Met the arizona tech\nmarching band-- \"go hens!\"--", "And they played\n\"auld lang syne\" when marshall", "Picked up lily at the airport.", "Okay. Have I told you about\nthe time that marshall...", "The mother:\nTried to put christmas lights\non lily's grandparents' house", "And the little ragamuffin from\nnext door left him stranded", "On the roof?", "Did lily tell you that one?", "Yeah.", "Lily used the word \"ragamuffin.\"", "So I've told you\nall my stories.", "I'm afraid so.\nBut luckily,", "I have plenty of stories\nthat you don't know yet.", "Like the one where my\ncollege roommates and I", "Went to this male strip club...", "And your friend dongnose\ngot smacked on the nose", "With a dong?", "I know that one.", "Okay.", "What about the story\nthat explains how...", "Dongnose got her\nnickname \"dongnose\"", "And that it had nothing to do\nwith the dong-smacking incident?", "Heard it, loved it,", "Called it the greatest\ncoincidence of the 21st century.", "Wow.", "You know every one\nof my stories.", "And you know every one of mine.", "I guess it's official.", "We're an old married couple.", "Nice!\nWe did it!", "Well, well, if it\nisn't the mosbys.", "Hi.\nHi.", "Here for a romantic weekend\naway from the kids.", "(laughs)\nit's a good thing there's no\nguests on either side of you,", "'cause those bedsprings\nare gonna squeak like mice", "In a cheese factory.\nAm I right? (laughs)", "Just don't break any\nof the lamps like your friends", "Barney and robin, okay?\nThat's not how the lamp broke.", "Of course not. All right,\nyou have fun, you two.", "(chuckles)", "Uh,", "What lamp is this?", "The lamp robin broke\nthe day of the wedding.", "Oh, my god.", "You don't know this one.", "Oh... Man.", "This is a good one.\n(laughs)", "I mean, it's got everything.", "Intrigue, betrayal, lamps.", "It is a ripping yarn,\nso buckle your seatbelt.\nJust", "Tell the story.\nOkay.", "Here goes.", "Robin broke a lamp.", "Okay, this has to stop.", "Come on, we're\njust having fun.", "It has been\na long weekend.", "This is how I relax.", "Really?", "This is how you relax?", "By not getting a single shot\npast me the entire morning?", "You suck, scherbatsky,\nyou shoot like my grandma.", "Okay, scherbatsky,\nyou just poked the dragon.", "Here comes the bride.", "Whoa, whoa,\nwhoa, okay,\nokay. How about", "We switch to an activity that's\nmore suited to somebody who's,", "You know, (chuckles),\ngetting married today?", "Oh. We gonna go\nchug some labatts?", "I was thinking we could chug\nsome memories instead.", "\"barney & robin:\nLovers forever", "\"and ever\nand ever:", "A love story.\"", "Sounds cheesy. I'm gonna go barf\nforever and ever and ever.", "See you, hosers.", "It's not cheesy.", "(gentle tune starts chiming)", "See?", "(sniffles)", "Uh, can you tell me\nthe name of the guest", "Staying in room nine?", "I'm sorry.", "That would violate\nhotel privacy policy.", "Well, maybe my old friend\nmr. Lincoln...", "Can emancipate that information.", "I'm so sorry, I wasn't clear.", "I can't violate\nour hotel privacy policy.", "For five dollars.", "Something with\na two on it is fine.", "But those are super rare and\nthe one I have is kind of lucky.", "Just give me a 20, mr. Mosby.", "That room belongs\nto a ms. Susan tupp.", "Oh, boy.", "Barney:\nGod, you're gorgeous.", "Oh, I can't wait\nto be inside you.", "Barney. Get out here,\nthis is your wedding day.", "Wha... (grunts)", "Where is she?\nWho?", "Look, I just grossly overpaid\nfor some information", "About this room,\nso I know it's accurate.", "This room belongs\nto susan tupp.", "Who?", "Susan tupp.", "Who?", "Sue...", "Tupp.", "Suit up.", "I'm trying to.", "I need you to help me", "Pick the suit I'm gonna wear\nwhen I walk down the aisle.", "Okay,", "Robin walks down the aisle,\nyou wait at the end of it.", "Okay, then the suit\nI'll be wearing", "When they all stand\nas I enter the chapel.\nThat's also her.", "Really? Man, the fellas\nsure do get boned", "On the whole\nwedding thing, don't they?\nOkay.", "All right, well, let's,\nlet's pick you a suit.", "What are... What are\nthe top contenders?", "Well, after careful\nconsideration,", "I have narrowed it down to", "These ones...", "And these ones...", "And the other ones in this room", "And all the ones\nin the adjoining room.", "So you've narrowed it down\nto all your suits.\nYeah, we're screwed.", "And this is a picture\nof the restaurant", "Where you and barney\nhad your first date.", "And now you're getting married.", "Mm.", "And this is the receipt", "From the meal you and barney ate", "At that restaurant\non your first date.", "And now you're getting married.", "Can we look at this later?", "Later? There is no later.", "Robin,", "This is a day\nyou only get to do once.", "You need to appreciate\nthe importance of it right now.", "Oh, my god.", "How did I only\njust now realize this?", "Dude, this hotel has\nthe wedding bride 2", "On pay-per-view.", "Score.", "This is the best\nday of my life!", "I mean, I know robin's\nnot the girliest girl,", "But you'd think\non her wedding day,", "She'd be at least\na little sentimental.", "Everyone deals with getting\nmarried differently.", "I got what I thought was\nthe worst haircut ever.", "Till I fixed it with the\nactual worst haircut ever.", "Which led to the worst\nwedding photos ever.", "But at least you had\na wedding day freak-out.\nBaby,", "Don't worry. Any minute now,", "Robin's gonna get smacked\nin the face with her own", "\"holy crap, this\nis my wedding\" moment,", "And then she's gonna wedding out\nall over the place. I promise.", "But you can't force it,\nit has to just happen.", "Mm, I don't know. I mean,\nshe bailed on my scrapbook", "When she found out\nthe wedding bride 2", "Is on pay-per-view.\nThe wedding bride 2\nis on pay-per-view?!", "Curtis:\nI'm sorry, did...", "Did I hear you guys\ntalking about", "The wedding bride?", "Oh, god.\nThe movie or the...", "Smash broadway musical?", "(scoffs) smash? Oh, oh, oh,\nI-I guess a show's a smash now", "If it closes\nafter only 96 weeks.", "So my husband's\nex-fianc\u00c3\u00a9's husband", "Wrote the screenplay\nfor the wedding bride.", "\"jed mosley\"\nwas based on ted.", "Okay, jed was not based on me...", "Hey!", "That is not a toy,\nyou ragamuffin.", "That is an authentic flail\nI won at the renaissance fair.", "...Entirely.", "But, regardless, there's...", "There's still some\nlingering pain there and...", "Well, as you can imagine,", "My friends promised me\nthat they'd never watch it.", "Wow.", "Those are some good friends.", "Oh, they're the best.", "Oh, oh, whoa!", "My wiener!", "I can't believe jed made us\npromise not to watch this.", "Wait, you mean ted.", "Whatever. Same guy.", "See, I would have expected you\nto have an extra-special suit", "Tailor-made\njust for this occasion.", "Oh, I did.", "I had my boy timmy g make\nthe perfect wedding suit.", "You ever heard of \"bespoke\"?", "This suit was\nbe-freaking-screamed.", "But then I tried it on this\nmorning and it was uncomfortable", "And itchy and completely wrong.\nIt was like a suit made", "For someone\nwith terrible posture,", "No taste and limited funds.", "Here, you take it.", "The only\nquestion is,", "Which of these\nother suits do I pick?", "There are so many great\nones to choose from.", "Uh,", "How about this one?", "Yes. Yes, that's the one.", "Oh, hey, quick question: Is it\nweird to get married in a suit", "That you may have worn while\nbanging a female rodeo clown?", "I know what you're wondering.", "Yes, the carpet\nmatched the drapes.", "Of course that's weird.\nEvery part of that is weird.", "Mm.", "Uh, what about this suit?", "Huh?\n(slow chuckle)", "Let's just say I stuffed\na lot of bunnies in that suit.", "Ugh, barney, do you have\nto phrase it that way?", "Actual bunnies, ted.\nThis is my magic suit.", "Get your mind out\nof the gutter.", "Though, I did once wear it\nto the playboy holiday party", "And, uh... (chuckles)", "Let's just say I stuffed a lot\nof bunnies in that suit.", "Uh...", "How about this one?\nOh, man,", "I went crazy on an escort\nin that one.", "Barney, come on.\nA ford escort, ted,\nI did it on a car.", "With a woman who I then\nmay or may not have paid.", "Yeah, that one's out, too.", "Okay, so your wedding's\nin a few hours.", "Kind of strange\nto spend those hours", "Watching a terrible movie,\nright?", "Terrible? Lily,\nthis movie is a revelation.", "I can't believe that ted\nwouldn't let us see it.", "Yeah. Why was he hanging\nso much beef on this movie?", "Just 'cause there's a character\nbased on him? (laughs)", "Of course. I'll make\nall weddings illegal.", "Then stella can never\nbe a wedding bride.", "(cackles)", "Ooh,", "No-can-I-do's-ville, baby doll.", "It's like,\n\"relax, ted,", "It's no big deal.\nYou should be flattered.\"", "And now to celebrate with\nthat piece of chocolate cake", "I've been saving.", "What?!", "Who ate my cake?!", "Uh, what cake?", "Narshall!", "Narshall?", "Narshall. How dare they?", "That is\ninsulting", "And ridiculous", "And I am nothing\nlike that character.", "I'm gonna sue everyone involved\nwith this film.", "So, you're-you're gonna sue\nthem on the grounds that", "Nothing like that cake thing\nhas ever happened?", "(sighs)", "If ted didn't want me\nto eat that cake,", "He should have put a note on it.", "(knocking)", "Oh, hi, grandma.\nRobin, sweetheart.", "I wanted you\nto have this.", "It's me and your grandpa\non our wedding day.", "Aw, that's so sweet.", "See my bouquet?", "Those wildflowers--", "They were supposed\nto be hydrangeas,", "But there was a mix-up\nat the florist's.", "I was so upset.", "Your grandpa went\nbehind the church", "And picked\nthose wildflowers", "For me. And now", "He's buried...\nBehind the very same church,", "Surrounded\nby the very same wildflowers.", "Okay, grandma,\nwatching a movie. Got to go.", "Every single holiday,", "That same dumb story.", "Sorry, grandma, not as touching\nas you think it is.", "(crying):\nAt the very same church.", "Now, I want to see", "If jed can get his wiener\nunstuck from that thermos.", "(chuckling)\nno-can-do's-ville, baby doll.", "Uh, I'm sorry.\nDid you just", "Turn off the bride's tv\non her wedding day?\nOh!", "Oh! Is this your wedding day?\n(chuckles)", "I'm sorry. I couldn't tell\nbecause you're acting", "Like it's any other\nSunday morning, and it's not.", "Lily, if you're waiting for me\nto suddenly turn", "Into th-th-the wedding bride,\nyou just give up.", "That's just not me.\nFine.", "Maybe we should all just act\nlike this wedding's no big deal.", "Maybe I don't even feel like\nwearing my bridesmaid's dress.", "Great. It-it's just a wedding.\nWho cares what people wear?", "Say yes to the suit!", "(sobbing):\nI can't! I can't.", "Great. Because I actually\nbrought a different dress", "That I'd like to wear.", "Fine.", "Oh, no.", "Maybe I'll go put it on\nright now.", "Go right ahead.\nWhat?", "(sucks air through teeth)\nI'm so sorry.", "What, why?", "I know this story, too.", "Really?\nMm-hmm. Yeah. Robin and lily get\nin a big fight", "And then, a few minutes later,\nthere's a knock at the door.", "Hello.", "I've told you\nthis one before.\nA few times.", "(groans)\nI'm just...", "A boring old man\nwho won't stop spinning yarns.", "Oh, hey. I love your yarns.", "I hope you never stop\nspinning them.", "But...", "You're the love of my life,\npooh bear.", "I just worry about you.", "I don't want you to be the guy\nwho lives in his stories.", "Life only moves forward.", "So what happens next?", "With lily and the wedding dress,\nI mean.", "Well... She brought the dress", "So that she and marshall could\nget new wedding photos taken.", "Because in yet another story\nthat I know...", "(shouting)\nno!", "What kind of space would I have\nin my brain for other things", "If I didn't know all this?", "Eh, probably just state birds", "Or some crap.", "(chuckles)\nso, uh,", "Lily wanted to borrow\nrobin's photographer.", "That shouldn't be a problem.\nShouldn't be", "A problem, robin? Of course\nit should be a problem.", "This is your wedding.", "You can't let somebody borrow\nyour photographer.", "Don't worry.\nShe's not serious, robin.", "I didn't even bring the suit\nthat I wore to our wedding.", "Yes, you did.", "It's in our room.", "Go put it on.\nWe're doing this.", "And, robin,\nsince you don't seem to care,", "I think I'll be wearing this\nto the ceremony.", "Fine!\nFine!", "Fine. There's a very simple\nsolution here.", "We might as well just face it.", "(sighs)", "U.S. Marines have to get married\nin uniform, so...", "I'll just go enlist.", "Dude,", "We can enlist together!\nThat's the dream!", "That's not the...\nI wonder if they let you\npick bunkmates.", "I hope they do. Although\nI might want to request\na single. You'll make friends.", "Look, enough of this.", "Tim made you this amazing suit.", "Put it on.", "This feels weird.", "That's because it's new.", "It's a suit that's never\nbeen worn before,", "A suit you never dreamed\nyou'd wear.", "All of this suit's memories\nare still ahead of it.", "Look,\npicture it, huh?", "The ceremony.", "When everyone\nstands up for me?\nThey do that for her.", "They should.", "She's gonna\nlook amazing.", "You'd better\nbelieve it.", "She walks\ndown the aisle,", "You say your vows,", "You go\nto the reception,", "You have\nyour first dance.", "And before you know it,\njust like magic,", "You realize...", "It's a perfect fit.", "You're right, ted.", "This is the one.", "Thanks.", "So...", "Belts.", "Hey, lil. Nice dress.", "(sighs)\nyou two were made\nfor each other.", "Like, does no one care\nthat I'm wearing this dress?", "I care.", "Okay. Now you're good.", "Okay, look,", "I know this is your\nwedding, but this is", "A big moment\nfor all of us.", "This may be the last time\nwe're all hanging out together", "For who knows how long.", "I mean, tomorrow\nmorning,", "Ted's leaving\nfor chicag...", "Oh, boy.\nLily.", "Wait, you already know.", "You already know.", "You're married to\nlily, which means...", "She pocket-texted me\nwhile you were telling her.", "So...", "Everybody knows I'm moving\nto chicago tomorrow.", "Lily's right.", "We don't know the next time\nthat we'll all be together.", "Ted:\nAnd then I think\nit hit all of us.", "We didn't know the next time\nwe'd be together.", "This was it.", "And it's funny.", "In a moment like that,", "When what's really happening", "Is too intense to deal with,", "Sometimes it's best...", "To leave it unspoken", "And just enjoy\neach other's company instead.", "You know, I've been wanting\nto see this movie.", "Yes, movie time.", "So it's not bad luck for the...", "Bride to see the groom\nin his wedding suit?\nNo,", "I think it's fine. Nice tie.", "Thanks. There was a cornflower\nblue one I almost went with.", "Oh. Um,", "That would've brought out\nyour eyes.", "You brought more than one tie,\nright?", "I was trying to pack light.", "Hey, you know what,\nmaybe the, uh, groomsmen\nshould go get some food.", "I don't want ted to have\nto sit through this movie.", "Ah. I appreciate that, narshall.", "Really?", "Aw, damn it.\nSorry, I saw it on a plane.", "What, so this is gonna be,\nlike, a thing now?\nYeah,", "It's gonna be a thing now,\nnarshall. Right?", "Narshall.\n(chuckles)\ndude,", "Settle down, swarley.", "Yeah.", "Yeah, swarlize theron,\ntake it easy.", "Man, this was supposed\nto be my special day.", "Oh. Hey, we survived the storm!", "(sniffing)\noh, narshall,\ndid you do that?", "Nope. Wasn't me.", "Well, then who was it?", "(growling)", "(jed and narshall\nyelling)", "A gorilla! Gorilla!", "So that", "Really happened to ted?", "That is exactly\nwhat went down.", "Chapter and verse.", "Uh-oh. Out of ice.", "I'll get it.\nOh, no. Got\nit. Sit down.", "Plus, the, uh, vending machine's\ngot a loose coil.", "I'm gonna try\nto hip check my way", "Into some free\ntropical skittles.", "(chuckles)\n(sighs)", "Your sister's not\nlike most brides, is she?", "She's a scherbatsky.\nShe's not gonna lose her timbits", "Just 'cause she's getting\nmarried.", "I guess some people\njust never have that", "\"holy crap,\nthis is my wedding\" moment.", "(humming softly)", "Mom?", "Ted:\nThat's the story.", "Right down\nto the surprise ending.", "Is that really such a surprise?", "I mean, come on.", "Yeah, of course she showed up.", "What mother is gonna miss\nher daughter's wedding?", "Oh, hey.", "No. Come on.\n(sniffling)", "It's okay. I'm fine.", "I'm okay.", "(sighs)", "Did barney really wear\na scuba suit into the bar?", "I've told you that story\na million times.", "Yeah, but where did barney get\nthe scuba suit?", "(chuckles)\nhe stole it.", "What?", "Yeah.\n(chuckles)", "I can't believe\nI forgot that.", "He... Walked right\ninto a sporting goods store,", "Tried on a scuba suit,\nand walked right out the door.", "Walked all the way home\nin it, like, 20 blocks.", "(chuckles)", "(laughs)\nguy in a scuba suit,", "Just walking down broadway.\nAh.", "He should be in prison.", "Well, yeah, for lots of reasons.\n(laughs)", "You know, the thief\nof the group is lily.\nNo.", "Yes. Oh, my god. Lily...\nNo. She stole my heart.", "No, n-no, I'm telling you,\nlily, from like, uh...\n\u00e2\u0099\u00aa she might be in tangier", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa she left here\nlast early spring \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa is livin' there, I hear", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa say for me\nthat I'm all right \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa though things get\nkind of slow \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa she might think\nthat I've forgotten her \u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa don't tell her it isn't so."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E20 Daisy": ["Narrator: It was the day\nof barney and robin's wedding,", "And a surprise guest\nhad just arrived.", "Robin: Mom, I-I can't believe\nyou're here.", "How did you get here?", "On a plane.", "With your fear of flying?\nWhat, did the plane drive here?", "(laughs)\nI've made enormous strides", "Since you last saw me, dear.", "This is nice.\n(chuckles)", "I don't love flying,\nI must admit.", "I haven't been on a\nplane in years, but...", "Maybe this won't\nbe such a bad...", "Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen,\nwe are cleared for takeoff.", "(screams)\nwe're all gonna die!", "We're all gonna die!", "(screaming)", "During the flight, I'll admit,", "I-I had a few...\nDifficult moments,", "But, you know,", "By the time we'd landed...", "Here already.", "Well, I have to say,\nit wasn't so dreadful after all.", "Oh, I do apologize if\nI caused any distress.", "And, oh, I'm terribly\nsorry about the door.", "I had no idea it would\nfly off like that.", "Please, please\nsend me a bill,", "Because I'd like\nto replace it.", "I'll be taking the train home.", "Well, it's official:\nI'm gonna be", "Judge marshall eriksen.", "That is great.", "Can you help me get\na driver's license?", "A what?", "Marshall, you, uh,\nyou don't sound", "Too excited to\nbecome a judge.", "(sighs) I feel\nkind of guilty about it.", "I mean, I know how badly\nlily wanted to move to Italy.", "Don't do this, bro.", "Classic mistake.", "You won-- enjoy it.", "Drink the blood of your\nvanquished enemy and move on.", "You're gonna be\na great husband.", "No, no, wait,\nhe has a point.", "I mean, you said yourself,\nit was her decision.", "Lily chose to\ngive up her job", "And not move to rome\nso you could be a judge.", "Yeah, but something\nseemed off.", "We had this big fight\nand she stormed out,", "And when she came back, she had\ntotally, like, changed her mind.", "Wait, what time\nwas this?", "A little after 3:00 a.M.,\nbilly zabka. Why?", "Well, last night,\nI was out", "Doing some late-night\ndirt-biking in the sand.", "Naturally. Continue.\nAnd I ended up", "At that ez pick a few\nmiles up the road.", "And, well...", "That's odd.", "Several people:\nBoo...!", "You saw lily\ngetting into someone's car?", "I wonder who it was.", "What did\nthe license plate say?", "It said...", "\"ahoy!!!\"", "The captain!\nLily's boss.", "He has a house out here.", "Wait, why was lily getting\ninto the captain's car", "At 3:00 in the morning?", "Guys...", "I hate to even say this, but...", "Do you think it's possible...", "...That I could eat\nsix of these saltines", "In under a minute?", "Challenge accepted!", "Well, I can't wait\nto meet this barney.", "I haven't met him\nalready, have I?", "Because they said\nafter getting tasered,", "I might suffer from\nshort-term memory loss.", "Oh, you'd remember\nif you'd met barney.", "Why don't I see what\nhe's doing right now?", "(phone ringing)", "Barney's phone.\nTed, where's barney?", "He's trying to eat", "Six saltines in\nunder a minute.", "Well, his future\nmother-in-law is here.", "Robin's mom is here.", "And she wants to meet him.", "She wants to meet you.", "He's kind of in the middle of a\nsaltine challenge at the moment.", "But as soon as he's done,\nhe'll just, uh, pop right over.", "All right. Good-bye.", "Robin:\nThe saltine challenge?", "Now?\n(lily chuckles)", "It's his wedding day.", "Guys do weird things\non their wedding day.", "Well, on my wedding day,", "Robin's father\ncompletely disappeared", "For about three hours.", "He just said,\n\"I've got to go", "And teach somebody some\nmanners,\" and off he went.", "And then", "Three hours later,", "He emerged from the\nwoods with a dead elk", "Slung across his shoulder.", "And I didn't even know that\nthere were elk in bermuda.", "But this barney--", "He sounds like a fine young man.", "Yes, he is.", "We're going again.", "Marshall, are you okay?", "Why did she get into\nthe captain's car,", "And why didn't she\ntell me about it?", "Well, maybe it was\na work thing.\nWhat? No.", "She has a big\nfight with me,", "She goes down\nto an ez pick,", "She gets into\nthe captain's mercedes,", "And then three\nhours later,", "She doesn't want to go\nto Italy anymore?", "I mean, do you\nthink this means...", "That the captain moored\nhis dinghy in lily's lagoon?", "Most definitely.", "That's crazy.", "You'd never moor a\ndinghy in a lagoon.", "I don't know, ted.", "In certain\ntidal conditions,", "If you had a\nprotected inlet...", "Okay, you know what?\nIt doesn't matter.", "Today is\nbarney's wedding.", "Let's just forget it.", "Marshall...", "Do you want to go over to\nthe captain's house right now,", "Punch him in the face\nreally fast", "And then come back\nand do this wedding?", "Would that be okay?", "Ranjit, get the car.", "Getting the car.", "Baby, I can't wait\nto meet your mom,", "But I kind of got to go on", "A little excursion\nwith the boys right now.", "What?\nWhere are you going?", "Me and the boys have to go\nteach someone some manners.", "Are there any elk\non long island?", "\u00c2\u00b6 my gallant\nhousekeeping crew \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 good morning.", "\u00c2\u00b6 sir! Good morning.", "\u00c2\u00b6 I hope you are quite well.", "\u00c2\u00b6 quite well, and you, sir?", "\u00c2\u00b6 I am in reasonable health.", "\u00c2\u00b6 and happy to meet you\nall once... \u00c2\u00b6", "(doorbell rings)", "Oh, bother it!", "I'll get it.", "Ahoy, marshall!", "(captain grunts)", "Are you okay, robin?\nNo, I'm not okay,", "Because apparently,\nI am marrying my dad", "In a few hours.", "Oh, sweetie, no.", "I'm sure that's not true.", "I mean, th-there's\nso much", "You don't know\nabout your father.", "There were... Oh, there\nwere so many other", "Red flags in our marriage.", "I mean, for instance,", "Do you know that", "Before he was engaged to me,", "He was engaged to marry\nan exotic dancer?", "Hello!", "Red flag!", "Lily:\nOh, genevieve,", "Not good.", "And did you know\nthat one time,", "To impress women,", "He dressed up like\na prussian aristocrat,", "Had a painting of himself made,", "And posed next to it\nin an art gallery?", "Can you imagine?", "Oh, that's a\nrough one.", "Darling, darling,\nthe list goes on.", "He would always take\nhis mother's side in arguments.", "He never checked with me\nbefore making plans.", "And our rehearsal dinner...\nOh, boy, did we have it out", "Right before our\nrehearsal dinner!", "Thank you, linus.", "Genevieve:\nFor the first", "Ten years I knew him,", "I didn't even know what\nyour father did for a living.", "Every time I used\nto ask him,", "He'd just say...\nPlease!", "Yes, that's exactly\nwhat he used to say.", "How did you know that?", "Heck of a jab,\nmarshall.", "Well-placed.", "Marshall:\nCaptain,", "I know something happened", "Between you and lily last night.", "What?", "No. Nothing happened.", "Captain's honor.", "Well, you can ask my fianc\u00c3\u00a9e.", "Fianc\u00c3\u00a9e?\nWhat-what fianc\u00c3\u00a9e?", "Captain.", "Permission to clear things up?\nGranted.", "Me.", "We're engaged.", "It's \"boats,\nboats, boats\"!", "Ted, look!\nUh, yeah.", "I mean, yeah, I know her\nfrom that commercial.", "Boats, boats, boats!", "And only from\nthat commercial.", "No, you\nbanged her.", "Remember?", "Like, a bunch\nof times.", "You knocked \"boots,\nboots, boots.\"", "Marshall: All right, captain.\nWhat the hell", "Happened here\nlast night?", "Well, it was just\nafter four bells.", "(phone ringing)", "Ahoy!", "(choked up):\nHi, I-I know it's late,", "But I've got to get out of here.", "Captain: So I sent the car.\nWhen she got here...", "Lily, what a lovely...", "Can I use your powder room?", "And then she went\nto the powder room.", "She was in there\nquite a while, actually.", "Probably a deuce.\nGo on.", "Captain:\nAnd when she came out,", "She had to leave right away.", "It was odd.", "But I assure you,\nnothing inappropriate happened", "Between me and your wife.", "Captain, I understand\nwhat you're saying,", "But what you don't\nunderstand is that", "Lily is my wife,", "And I love her\nway too much", "To behave rationally\nright now!", "En garde!", "This is the best\nday of my life.", "Oh, darling,\ncome on, no, no.", "You're not marrying\nyour father.", "I mean,\nyour father...", "I mean, let's just\nput it this way.", "Your father was\na sociopath.", "He slept with\nover 20 women.", "And sure, you know,", "We were friends\nfor years first", "And it was entertaining\nwatching him lie", "To those poor girls\nto get inside their snow pants,", "But I should have\nknown back then", "This was not\nhusband material.", "I mean, even your\nuncle jim, you know,", "His gay black brother...", "Will you shut up!", "Go for barney!", "Your bride is freaking\nthe crap out right now.", "Where the hell are you?", "I warn you,\ncaptain,", "I've pretended to have a duel\nwith actual swords twice.", "I warn you, marshall,", "I was on the olympic\nfencing team.", "Won three gold medals.", "I warn you, captain,", "I'm starting to feel like\nthis was a mistake.", "I think I'd better\nnot say where I am.", "I am not kidding around here!", "Tell me where you are!", "(sighs)", "We're at the captain's house.", "What is it?\nWhat's wrong?", "I am so busted.", "Thank you, linus.", "You have another piece of gum?", "Lily:\nI can keep a secret.", "I can keep a secret real good.", "Are you chewing gum?", "I can keep a secret\nlike nobody's business,", "'cause it is nobody's business.", "You never chew gum.", "You shouldn't\nchew gum in here.", "'cause it's a secret,\nand I'm keeping it!", "Wait!", "Stop the duel!", "Oh, thank god.", "I mean, why?", "Ted:\nWhy?", "Because I just solved\nthe mystery,", "That's why.", "Mosby boys!", "We agreed you wouldn't\ndo that anymore.", "Mystery? What mystery?", "Lily has a secret.", "She's hiding something,", "And I know what it is.", "Okay, what is she hiding?", "I'll tell you in a minute.", "I want to enjoy the suspense\na little bit first.", "Ooh.", "Oh, my god, will\nyou just tell us!", "Very well.", "Now, we can all agree", "That this is the first\ntime I've ever set foot", "In this house, correct?", "Oh, this is\ngoing to be unbearable.", "Now, captain, your powder room--", "Does it face out\non the ocean?", "Of course, right over the cliff.", "Just as I suspected.", "And if I were to walk", "Into this powder\nroom right now,", "I believe I'd see a\npotted plant of some sort.", "Is that correct?", "Yes. There's a daisy.", "A daisy. Interesting.", "Uh, not traditionally\nan indoor plant,", "But I suppose\nit gets plenty of light", "With the southern exposure.", "That's right, it does.", "Will you please fetch the daisy?", "Aye-aye.", "I totally solved it.", "You didn't solve it.", "You didn't solve it.", "You didn't\nsolve it.", "You didn't solve it.", "Did you solve...?\nNo, you didn't solve it.", "I solved it!", "Ah.", "Thank you, captain.", "Now...", "A simple question.", "When lily and marshall are apart\nfor an extended period of time,", "What is the one thing\nlily always does?", "Cry?", "Masturbate?", "Karate?", "Go sailing?", "No.", "When lily and marshall are apart", "For a long period of time,", "Lily... Always...", "...Starts smoking again.", "That's true, she does.", "Happened when she went\nto paris in college.", "It happened when she moved\nto san francisco, and last week,", "It happened again.", "From the moment marshall left\nfor minnesota,", "Lily's been secretly\npuffing down the ciggies", "Like a 46-year-old grandma\nat a reno slot machine.", "Problem was,\ncome Friday morning,", "She knew she'd have\nto quit again, cold turkey.", "And it wouldn't be easy.", "She tried to make it\na whole car ride", "Without a fix, but couldn't.", "So, she pretended to be annoyed", "By perfectly reasonable things,\nlike my stylish driving gloves", "And my appreciation of the\nhistoric van otterloop manse.", "All so she could have\none last smoke on the train.", "But afterwards,\nher breath told the tale.", "And that's why,\nwhen she got to the hotel,", "Lily...", "Was chewing... Gum.", "Lily never chews gum.", "What? Never?", "Well, hardly ever.", "Great job, ted.", "That's some pretty\nsolid evidence. Gum.", "(laughing):\nOh, barney, my dear boy.", "I'm just getting started.", "Getting started?", "Ted:\nLily knew that cigarette", "Was probably her last\nfor a while.", "She needed something\nto keep her nerves calm,", "So she headed to the bar.", "Anytime you see me\nwithout a drink in my hand,", "You put a drink in my hand.", "Are you my guy, linus?", "Ted: What followed was\na long day and a half for lily.", "A really long day and a half.", "Oh, it's kind of insane", "How much happened\nin just a day and a half.", "Anyway, marshall returned,", "They had a big fight,\nlily stormed out.", "And that's when she realized,", "If she was gonna sneak one\nthis weekend,", "This was her chance.", "And after that fight,\nboy, did she need one.", "Only problem: She was all out.", "Now,", "It's 3:00 a.M.,", "You need a cigarette,", "And the only place\nthat's open is an ez pick", "That's five miles down the road.", "You have no car.", "What do you do? Go.", "Dirt-bike it.", "I can walk that far.", "Masturbate.", "Take a boat.", "What? A boat? No.", "Dude, she got a ride\nin your car, remember?", "(phone ringing)", "Ahoy.", "Hi. I-I know it's late,", "But I've got to get out of here.", "I want to make\none stop first.", "Ted:\nThe problem was,", "Lily didn't want to smoke\nin front of her new employer.", "So, when she arrived", "At the captain's house,\nthere was only one", "Possible course of action.", "Can I use your powder room?", "Ted:\nNow,", "You're lily.", "You've just had a cigarette", "In your boss's powder room.", "What do you do\nwith the cigarette butt?", "Throw it out the window?\nFlush it?", "No, she-she wouldn't do\neither of those things.", "She's an environmentalist.", "Stick it in your purse?", "Marshall could find it there.", "Throw it in the trash can.", "The captain would\nfind it there.", "Hide it in a boat.", "A boat? Wait.\nHow would that...", "I don't know.", "I just... I like boats.", "No.", "There's only one place\nthat she would put it.", "A place where, eventually,", "It would decompose and serve\nas a natural mulch.", "It's in the daisy.", "And sure enough,", "If I dig around...", "I am all but guaranteed\nto find...", "A pregnancy test.", "You could smoke those?", "(vomiting)", "(panting)", "Oh, no.", "So, you want\nthe kennedy package?", "Bingo.", "One other little thing.", "When you do put a drink\nin my hand,", "Let's make it non-alcoholic.", "There's a chance\nI might be pregnant.", "Okay, linus,", "Don't start popping\nthe sparkling cider just yet.", "I'm just being cautious.", "I'll take a test\nwhen I get home.", "It can wait.", "Are marvin and I\nand any other future children", "We may have", "Just some consolation prize?", "I have to get out of here.", "\u00c2\u00b6", "(sighs)\nit can't wait.", "\u00c2\u00b6", "Lily, what a lovely...", "Can I use your powder room?", "\u00c2\u00b6", "Two minutes. Here we go.", "\u00c2\u00b6", "Guys, we need to go back\nto the hotel.", "Lily peed on that,\nand you touched it.", "Lily?", "We're gonna have a baby?", "I told you guys\nI could keep a secret.", "Uh, uh, barney,\nthis-this is my mom.", "Hi.\nHello.", "Oh.", "Oh, he's a hugger.", "Nothing like your dad.", "(laughs)", "I'm sorry. I-I was\ngonna tell you tonight.", "No. Oh, my god, no. It's fine.", "There's just...\nThere's so much we have to do.", "You know, we have to, um...\nWe have to do research on...", "Uh, hospitals in Italy,\nand we have to, uh...", "We're not going to Italy.", "Of course we are.", "Lily, we have to do this.", "You're gonna live in rome,", "And you're gonna get your dream,\nbecause...", "Because you're giving me mine.", "Again.", "But there's gonna be\nall sorts of paperwork,", "And-and if she's born outside\nof the u.S.,", "She could never\nbecome president.", "It's a girl?", "Oh. I don't know, but...", "In my mind,\nI kind of think she is.", "Oh.", "I love you so much.", "Mmm.", "We're gonna give you\nsome privacy.", "It's my room. Why\ndo I have to...?", "Just... Come on.", "I thought this was\nan exit.\nNo, balcony.", "Ah. Oh.", "Well, we'll just give them\na few minutes, and then...", "Mm-hmm.\n...We'll go\nback in and...", "Oh.", "Oh, they are both naked.", "Yeah, they work fast.", "Yes. (sighs)", "Oh, darling.", "Oh, you're going\nto be fine.", "You know, for every marriage\nin the world", "Like I had with your dad,\nyou know, there's...", "There's a marriage\nlike those two in there.", "And, oh, marriage is...", "Oh, it's terrifying.", "It's-it's like flying.", "You know, you're-you're filled\nwith this mortal dread,", "But if you find someone\nyou feel safe with,", "It's like flying!", "But if you got someone that you\nfeel is really there for you,", "Someone you can depend on,", "You're gonna be fine.", "Do you have someone\nlike that?", "I do.", "...Daisy."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E21 Gary Blauman": ["Ted:\nHi.", "Hi.", "Okay.", "(chuckles)", "So I thought we'd...\nTry this new restaurant.", "It's right around\nthe corner from here.", "It's scottish-mexican fusion.", "Scottish-mexican fusion?", "Scottish-mexican fusion.", "That would seem like two things\nthat do not fuse.", "Perhaps you'll change\nyour mind when you try", "Their signature\nhaggis enchiladas.", "(laughs) okay.\n(chuckles)", "All right. Yeah, come on.\nLead the way.", "I was surprised\nwhen you called.", "Isn't there some\nuniversal guy rule", "Where you have to wait\nfour days to call a girl?", "That... Does not ring a bell.", "And it's three days.", "(laughs)", "Here we are.", "(bagpipes and trumpets playing\nmariachi music)", "Uh, I did not realize\nthere would be live music.", "So, uh, should we...", "Eat anywhere but here?", "(laughs): Yeah. Yeah.\nYeah. Yeah.", "Besides, I'm sure\nwe can find a place", "Where we don't need\nreservations.", "Oh, you think\nit's just that easy?", "Just stroll in off the\nstreet and get a meal?", "Well, let me tell you\nthe tale of gary blauman.", "There's the blushing bride!", "Oh!", "Gary blauman!", "How are you?!", "Uh, duh, like I need to ask.", "You're getting married.", "Well, don't let me keep you.\nYou have things to do.", "I will see you\nwalking down the aisle.", "I'll be the guy in the\neighth row going like this.", "(laughs) right?!\nRight.", "Good luck today!\nThank you.", "Okay.\n(chuckles)", "Hey, there's the\nblushing bride...", "Code red!", "Oh, my god. Oh, my god,\noh, my god, oh, my god,", "Oh, my god!\nWhy the code red?", "I mean, if it's...\nIf it's about your hair,", "I didn't even notice;\nespecially not from the back.", "What?\nNothing.", "Gary blauman is here,\nand I had no idea he was coming.", "His reply card must've\ngotten lost in the mail.", "I mean,\nwhere's he gonna sit?", "It took us weeks to plan\nthe seating chart!", "Robin.", "Shh.", "I got you.\nHuh?", "You're talking to\nthe seating chart master.", "At my own wedding, I managed\nto sit small-town minnesotans", "Right next to liberal new\nyorkers with grace and aplomb.", "Table 27 still gets together\nonce a year for a reunion.", "Perhaps you've seen their photos\non facebook.", "Like I said...", "(whispers):\nI got you.", "Thanks, marshall.", "(door closes)", "Code red!", "Grandma's sitting\nnext to the band,", "Divorced couple sitting one\ntable away from each other,", "No coherent\nsingles table.", "This is the robin's hair\nof seating charts.", "Singles tables are cruel.", "I mean, what if you went\nto a wedding", "And there was a table\nof all fat guys?", "That would be awesome.\nYou're right, it would.", "Let's crack this\ngary blauman nut first,", "And then we'll work\non the fat guy table.", "Wait, did you say gary blauman?", "Yeah. Why?", "I... Hate... That guy.", "Why?", "Remember a few years ago", "When I read that biography\nof teddy roosevelt?", "For weeks after I read it,", "I only wanted to talk\nabout one thing.", "Teddy roosevelt was\nthe coolest guy ever!", "(others grumbling)", "Oh, that's it!\nNo more books, ted.", "I don't like the person\nyou become when you read books.", "Here's the deal: You\nget to tell us one more", "Interesting fact\nabout teddy roosevelt.", "One more, and then\nyou're done forever.", "So make it a good one.", "Okay.", "He went blind in one eye...", "From getting hit too hard\nin a boxing match...", "...While he was president!", "That's a pretty\ngood one.\nWow.", "That is kind of...", "Right?! Oh, and when he was\nat harvard...", "No! No!\nShut up!\nOh, my god! Please!", "Ted: Well, one night,\nwe were throwing a party", "To celebrate... Something--", "I-I can't remember what--", "When a pretty girl\nI had never met", "Noticed the book\non the coffee table.", "I can't believe\nyou have this book.", "I just finished\nreading it.", "Teddy roosevelt was\nthe coolest guy ever.", "A unicorn.", "I couldn't believe it.", "It was a stroke of luck on par", "With the 50-page manuscript\nin roosevelt's breast pocket", "That helped slow that\nwould-be assassin's bullet.", "Dude, come on.", "Sorry. Anyway...", "Enter gary blauman.", "Is that the teddy\nroosevelt biography?", "Coolest guy ever.", "Right? Right?", "Right? Right?", "Right? Right?\nRight?", "So the three of us started\ntalking teddy roosevelt.", "When he took that\nfour-minute flight", "On the wright\nbrother's plane?", "So cool.", "The time he climbed\nthe tallest mountain", "In europe on\nhis honeymoon.", "So cool.", "And that's when I realized,", "Blauman and I were locked\nin a battle of wills", "That made t.R.'s charge\nup san juan hill", "Look like a walk in the park.", "Or should I say,\nin the national park,", "Since it was roosevelt", "Who spearheaded\nthe establishment...", "Dude, come on. I gave you one.", "The battle raged on.", "In a way, he was...", "All: ...The archetype\nof the modern politician!", "(all laugh)", "Ted:\nDude, knock it off.", "Gary:\nKnock what off, bro?", "This is my apartment,", "My teddy roosevelt\nconversation,", "I get the girl.", "Oh, so the fact that\nyou're the incumbent means", "She should just pick you?", "Tell that\nto william howard taft.", "You're calling me taft?", "If anyone's taft, you're taft!", "I'm not taft! I'm teddy!", "The hell you are.\nMy name is ted!", "Yeah, right. Go sign the\npayne-aldrich tariff act, taft!", "(gasps) how dare you?", "Skinny-dipping\nin the potomac river.", "(all laugh)", "Ted: And so the standoff\ncontinued, hours passed...", "Then days.", "Days passed?\nDays passed.", "Finally, a t.R. Stricken\nby tropical fever", "On his amazon trek,\nwe could go no further.", "When he was assistant secretary\nof the navy...", "Will you just pick\none of us already", "So I can either have sex\nor go to sleep!", "Smooth, bro.", "After that day,\nI have never liked that guy.", "So let's just tell robin\nthis can't be done,", "And send gary blauman packing.", "Lily:\nDid you just say", "Gary blauman?", "Yeah.", "I...", "Love that guy!", "What?! He's the devil!", "He's an angel.", "It was 2006,\nmarshall and I had broken up,", "And I was back in new york\nfeeling vulnerable", "And listening to\nmy breakup song over and over.", "Sugar ray's \"fly.\"\nyou know it.", "Man, you know nothing\nabout breakups.", "I really don't.", "Anyway, then I hit bottom.", "There's a bottom\nbelow sugar ray?", "Mm.", "What?!", "Why have I never\nseen that before?", "I've been using cover-up", "And strategically placed straps\nfor a long time", "To keep this puppy quiet.", "After all the times\nyou guys made fun of me", "For my breakup butterfly\ntattoo?", "(lily and marshall snicker)", "Oh, the fact that ted got\na butterfly tattoo,", "Will you ever stop\nbeing hilarious?", "So why is it only\nhalf a butterfly?", "Because gary blauman saw me\nin the tattoo parlor,", "Dragged me out\nand talked some sense into me.", "Lily, trust me,", "You and marshall\nare going to get back together.", "And when you do, you will\nbe so glad you did not get", "The other half\nof that butterfly.", "Actually, I was gonna get a\nlittle more than the butterfly.", "It's good that I ran into you.", "Marshall, blauman saved you\nfrom a lifetime", "Of looking at sugar ray every\ntime we do it on your birthday.", "Find him a nice seat.", "No, no, do not find him a seat.", "I'm telling you,\nthis guy...\nYou find him\na nice...", "Neither of us\nwas gonna back down,", "So finally we decided\nto take it to the groom.", "(gasps)", "Wh-what's going on?\nShh!", "Wha...?", "Who's that guy?", "It's my ex-boyfriend.", "So, we're crouching\nbehind a van,", "Hiding from\nyour ex-boyfriend.", "Forgive me, I'm a little bit\nof a detective.", "It was a bad breakup?", "Pretty bad.", "Bad like\nthere was a big fight?", "Bad like there was\na big ring.", "Bad like this happened\nin the past year?", "Bad like it\nhappened Saturday.", "So bad.", "Yeah.", "Okay, he's gone.", "I'm so sorry, ted.", "I really like you,\nbut I'm-I'm in", "The weirdest place on earth\nright now.", "You're in a scottish-mexican\nrestaurant?", "(laughs)", "Yup.", "Yeah, I am.", "It's just too soon\nfor me to be dating.", "I think I should head home.", "Well, want me to walk with you?", "Lots of scary ex-boyfriends\nin this neighborhood.", "Sure.", "I do want to hear\nthe rest of that story.", "Right, right the story.", "Yeah.", "So, we decided\nto take it to the groom.", "Did you say gary blauman?", "Yeah.", "Gary blauman?", "Yes.", "Blauman... Comma, gary?", "Point, comma,\nget to the damn.", "I...", "Love...", "That we have the opportunity\nto destroy", "Gary blauman's weekend by\nkicking him out of the wedding!", "Yes! Gary blauman haters' club\nright here!", "What that guy did to me.", "Oh... God!", "It makes me", "Furious to this day!", "Okay, okay, I'm gonna try\nand tell this story", "Without completely losing it.", "Ready? Okay, here goes.", "I was at the... (growls)", "(growls)", "Nope, not gonna happen.\nGive me a second.", "Ooh!\nOoh!", "I was at the bar.", "Hey, barney!", "What's up, blauman?\nHave a seat.", "Oh, thanks.", "Your fries.\nNeed anything?", "I'm good, thanks.", "Oh, but he was not good, thanks.", "He was not good, thanks, at all!", "Oh, what? Did he take\none of your fries?", "Take one?", "Take one?", "Lily, it would have been\none thing", "If he took one of my fries;\nthat would have been one thing.", "No, lily, that day,", "Blauman took...", "...Four of my fries!", "But that's not even the capper!", "Here's the part that still\nkeeps me up at night:", "The fourth fry he took...", "(yells):\nThe fourth fry he took...", "(grunting)", "Buddy, you oka... You okay?", "(grunting)", "The fourth fry he took...", "...Was an accidental curly.", "(both gasp)", "You don't take\na man's accidental curly.", "Marshall:\nYou take a man's wife", "Before you take\nhis accidental curly.", "Lily:\nIf you wanted", "Curly fries so bad,", "Why not just order them\nin the first place?", "(laughs)\nyeah, yeah, yeah.", "'cause that's\nwhat you want.", "All curly fries.\n(laughs)", "Regular cut with\na few accidental curlies.", "That's what you want.", "That's the dream.\nHe's right.", "That is the dream.\nNo!", "I refuse to look\ndown from the altar", "As I say my vowels to\nthe woman of my dreams,", "And see that\ndamned, stupid,", "Accidental-curly-\nfry-stealing", "Gary blauman!", "Did you say gary blauman?", "I...", "Hate...", "To disagree with barney.", "But I love that guy!", "I just met him earlier today.", "Oh, my gosh!", "It's you.", "Yeah.", "You're the poet william zabka.", "Nobody ever recognizes me\nfor my poetry.", "He has all six\nof my collections.", "When terry gross interviewed me", "On fresh air, he listened live.", "Gary blauman rules!", "Gary blauman?", "I...", "Hate...", "...That I once thought\nI loved gary blauman.", "Ooh, this sounds good.", "Gary's the guy\nthat I had an affair with.", "Tom found out,\nthrew me out of the house.", "Now the kids are\nfrom a broken home.", "Because of gary blauman,\neverything that matters to me", "Is gone.", "I got that beat.", "So, I was ordering\nthese fries...", "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.", "Blauman's gay?", "Well...", "Then that means that night,", "The real battle\nwas between blauman", "And the girl.", "And the prize... Was this guy.", "(all groaning)", "Keep telling yourself\nthat, buddy.", "I don't want to see gary blauman\nat my brother's wedding.", "Neither do I!\nI'm the brother in question!\nNow, now, hold on.", "(all arguing)", "Order! Order!", "Robin put this on my plate,\nand so I'll make the decision.", "Now, let's take a short recess.", "Everybody out.", "Okay.", "Lily, out of court settlement.", "Drop this whole thing,\nand I'll give you ten bucks.", "No.", "I can't go higher than ten.", "(clears throat)", "I'm ready to give\nmy decision.", "This was a tough one.", "Lot of good points\non both sides.", "But ultimately... Blauman stays.", "Yeah.\nWhat in the...?", "For one simple reason.", "There is a higher law\nat every wedding.", "A law that trumps\nall other arguments.", "When the bride asks\nfor something, she gets it.", "Yes.", "Wow.\nZabka:\nGood point.", "He's right.", "This fake court thing\nis adjourned.", "Judged.", "Well, I guess\nlet's go find blauman", "And tell him the good news.", "Yeah, about that.\nBit of a wrinkle.", "I was just in the hallway,\nran into blauman.", "I told him\nif he didn't leave immediately,", "Then billy zabka was gonna\ncrane-kick him in the face.", "What?!", "But that's not\neven my move!", "I...", "We have to stop him.", "Barney!\nI... (sighs)", "Come on, come on, come on.", "So, we all run out\nto the parking lot", "To stop gary blauman from\nleaving the wedding...", "What are you doing?", "This is my place.", "Oh.", "So, uh...", "Well, I guess this...\nThis is where I leave you.", "This is your place.", "Yup.", "You sure it's not\na few blocks that way?", "Nope, it's right here.", "It's right\nwhere you picked me up.", "So it is.", "Well... Good night.", "Good night.", "Narrator: Eight years earlier,\nI probably would've given", "Some embarrassing speech,\nconfessed my love", "And scared her off.", "But I didn't.", "Because somehow I just knew\nthis was all gonna work out.", "Ted?\nOh, thank god.", "Do you at least want\nto finish your story?", "Right.", "So, we all ran out\nto the parking lot, and...", "Blauman, blauman,\nI'm sorry.", "You can stay. Billy won't\nkick you in the face.", "It's not even my move.", "If I was gonna do anything,\nI'd sweep the leg,", "And put you in a body bag;\neveryone knows that.", "What...?\nIs that from one of your poems?", "Thank you for that.", "Please stick around,\nfor the bride.", "You're not a taft.\nEven if you are,", "Roosevelt shouldn't have\ndivided the party like that.", "I mean, he handed the\nelection to wilson.", "Completely, right?\nRight? Right?", "(laughs)", "No, wait! No! All right?", "Forget it!", "And, james, I'm sorry", "About you and tom.", "But you have to stop blaming me\nfor your own decisions.", "Well, guys, take a good look.", "This face you won't\nbe seeing again.", "Come...", "The bri... The bri...", "Gary?", "He's really leaving.", "Hey, barney.", "You still, uh,\nhave my wedding ring?", "(quietly):\nYeah.", "I've got some work to do.", "Excuse me.", "Blauman will cool off\neventually.", "We'll see him again.", "Of course we will.", "Marshall:\nI don't know.", "I mean, we might\nreally never see him again.", "Because I remember\nat our wedding", "Looking out and thinking,", "\"man, everyone here means\nso much to me.\"", "A bunch of those people,", "You know,\nI haven't seen them since.", "Narrator:\nAnd that's how it goes, kids.", "The friends, neighbors,\ndrinking buddies", "And partners in crime\nyou love so much", "When you're young,\nas the years go by,", "You just lose touch.", "That being said,", "I did manage to keep track\nof a few people.", "Carl's still behind the bar\nat maclaren's.", "Hey, watch it over there.", "Yeah, watch it over there!", "It's become a family business.", "Jeanette was arrested\nfor mailing jars of urine", "To val kilmer.", "No, not that val kilmer.", "She narrowly avoided\nprison time,", "But did receive mandatory\npsychological counseling.", "Hello, handsome.", "I should say up front, I'm\nnot allowed to date my...", "Oh, what the hell.", "She and kevin live\nin poughkeepsie now.", "Ranjit made a couple really\ngood stock picks, and, well,", "He owns the limo service now.", "Bitterman, get the car.", "Getting the car, sir.", "Patrice has\nher own drive-time radio show.", "People call in,\nshe gives advice.", "Robin (over phone): Because\nsometimes I just feel like", "He never listens to me,\nyou know?", "Gosh, caller,\nthat's a real pickle.", "You know,\nmy grandma always says...", "Robin: Damn it, patrice,\nI'm not finished!", "Sorry, sorry, go on.", "William zabka became\nthe youngest poet ever", "To win the american humanities\nmedal for literature.", "He's currently working on\na collection of travel essays.", "Hyah!", "Zoey pops up in the news\nevery now and then", "Supporting some cause\nor another.", "It doesn't always\ngo well for her.", "The hawk is a majestic creature!", "She means you no har...\n(hawk screeching)", "Aah, no! I'm your friend!\nI'm helping you!", "Still, it's nice knowing\nshe's out there", "Fighting the good fight.", "Scooter's been married\nfor a while.", "Apparently, he met\na girl at work,", "And it was love at first sight.", "I guess something about her\nhelped him get over lily.", "You look beautiful today,\njasmine.", "Like every day.", "Move. I serve\nsloppy joe now.", "Blitz struggled with a gambling\naddiction for a while.", "But after a three-day bender\non the same slot machine,", "He finally kicked it.", "I got to get help.", "Yes!\n(whoops)", "Aw, man!", "I'm not sure what happened\nto blah blah.", "But I'd like to think\nthat wherever she is, she...", "Carol! Her name was carol!", "Thank you.", "Sandy rivers' inappropriate\noffice behavior", "Finally caught up with him,\nending his news career...", "In america.", "(speaking russian)", "He hasn't changed.", "It took some doing,\nbut james finally convinced tom", "To take him back.", "And nobody's happier about it\nthan their kids.", "Hey, kids, have I ever told you\nhow I met your father?", "It was at a party.", "And as for blauman...", "Guys, wait!", "(car door closes)", "I'm sorry for storming off\nlike that.", "I don't want to miss\nthis wedding.", "You will be shocked, kids,", "When you discover\nhow easy it is in life", "To part ways\nwith people forever.", "That's why\nwhen you find someone", "You want to keep around,\nyou do something about it.", "So, I guess...", "Good night.", "Good night.", "Unless...", "Do you want\nto walk around some more?", "It's still early.", "Sure.", "What are you doing?", "Remembering this.", "Come on."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E22": ["Narrator:\nKids, it's not always rational,\nbut people on their wedding day", "Sometimes find themselves\npanicking", "About whether\nthey've made the best choice.", "I have a better\ntie at home!", "It's cornflower blue.\nIt's cornflower blue!", "Narrator:\nBut lucky for barney,\nhe was marrying a rock.", "I can't go through\nwith this wedding.", "Last year, when you helped\nvictoria escape this church,", "How hard was it\nto climb down that drainpipe?", "Extremely hard.", "Okay, so that means\nsuper easy. Thanks.", "Wait, wait.\nStop, stop.", "What the hell\nare you doing?", "I just... I can't\ngo through with this!", "No, no. Sorry. I\nrefuse to be a part", "Of a third runaway\nbride situation.", "It's like the dude", "In that documentary who kept\nhaving women show up dead", "At the bottom of his staircase.", "Sure, maybe they all tripped,\nbut it's like,", "Do you want\nto hang out with that guy?", "Gonna think I'm insane, but...", "I still think that it's a bad\nsign I never found that locket.", "Some part of me thought that\nbarney would magically find it.", "I know.", "I know that's unfair of me", "To expect that, but... You know,\nI want to be with a guy", "Who comes through for me,\nyou know?", "The guy who,", "Somehow, against all odds,", "Finds my locket.", "Okay, just, um...\nJust calm down, stay put.", "Uh, I'm-I'm gonna go\nget you some water, okay?", "Uh, listen,\nI have something for you,", "But before I give it to you,", "I just want to make sure\nyou're okay.", "I was freaking out\na little earlier,", "But lily and marshall\ncalmed me down. I'm okay.", "Good, good.\nSo, robin's a little nervous.", "Nervous? Why is she nervous?", "I'm not nervous! Who's nervous?!", "No one needs to be nervous!", "Cornflower blue, ted.\nCornflower blue!", "First off, kudos to marshall\nand lily for calming you down.", "Second, do you...\nYou remember robin's locket?", "Yeah, of course.", "She never found it.", "Whoa. How did you...?", "I never told you about it\nbecause I was afraid", "You'd take it the wrong way,", "But I actually wound up\ntracking it down.", "It's a long story.", "I was gonna give it to robin\nas a surprise,", "But... She needs it\nto come from you.", "Ted, I don't know.", "Take it. Please.", "How'd you find it?", "I didn't find it.", "You found it.", "\u00c2\u00b6 \u00c2\u00b6", "Hey.\nHey.", "What you writing?", "Um, it's my wedding day.", "What do you think I'm writing?", "Suicide note?", "Hey-yo! (laughs)", "Oh, god, is it\na suicide note?", "Oh, my god,\nhow many pills did you take?", "Quick. How do we\nmake him vomit?", "Uh, remind him\nhe's getting married.\nHey-yo!", "(laughs)\nwait. Now I'm confused.", "Are you dying?", "I'm writing my vows to robin,", "But I want them to be profound\nand inspiring,", "As if they were written\nby the bard himself,", "Lionel richie.", "Until right before the wedding\nto compose them?", "I didn't.\nI've been trying", "To get these\nright for weeks.\nOh.", "This is a lot of vows.", "Vow-za.", "I'll say it again. Vow-za.", "Are you really gonna\nread all of these?", "Yeah, uh, wouldn't it be better\nto project them", "As a vowerpoint presentation?", "(clicks tongue)\nsay it again. Vowerpoint...", "I know it's a lot,\nbut I-I don't", "Want to screw up\nthis wedding thing.", "\"I vow to love you\nforever unconditionally,", "\"unless you pudge out,\nin which case", "I'm a barney-shaped\nhole in the wall.\"", "\"I vow to start watching\nhockey with you...\"", "Oh, that one's sweet.", "I know how much\nyou hate hockey.", "\"...Once a month.\"", "But it's still\na nice gesture.", "\"no. Once a year.\nNo. Hockey's dumb.", "\"not watching it, and\nneither are you, woman.", "Now make me\nfrench toast.\"", "I'll put this in\nthe maybe pile.", "Look, if you're\nhaving trouble,", "You've got two expert\nvow consultants", "Standing right\nin front of you.", "Yeah. We can show\nyou vow it's done.", "Say it again.\nVow it's done...", "We're just not\nenjoying them, honey.", "I am not gonna take\nmarriage advice from a couple", "Who just got\nin a gigantic fight.", "I'm doing fine on my own.", "No, you're not.", "All of these vows are selfish\nand way too easy to keep.", "Wedding vows need\nto be real commitments,", "Like our vows.", "Poppycock!", "What are you\ntalking about?", "I remember\nyour precious wedding vows,", "And I guarantee you've broken\nevery single one of them.", "Vow dare you!", "Just stop.", "I can't.\nIt's invowluntary.", "(knocking)\nyeah.", "Hey. You asked for me?", "Look what barney\njust gave me.", "No way!", "See? Barney came through.", "There's your sign.", "You're good to go.", "Where'd you find\nthe locket, ted?", "Where did you find the locket?", "Me? Why-why are you asking me?", "Barney found it. Ask him.", "What, you lost a locket?", "Barney wouldn't tell me\nhow he found it,", "Which made me realize\nit had to be you.", "(laughs):\nOkay.", "I'll embarrass him.", "Your fianc\u00c3\u00a9 got a metal detector", "And scoured a 10,000-square-foot\ngrid around that carousel.", "Guess where he found it.", "The nest of a mama pigeon.", "(laughs): Barney had to wrestle\nit away from four baby pigeons.", "But here's where the story\ngets bittersweet.", "I lied. Barney said it was\nin marshall and lily's basement.", "But do you still want to finish\nyour little pigeon story?", "The mama pigeon gets killed\nby a cab.", "Barney still goes back\nto the park every day", "To feed the babies. The end.", "Tell me the truth.", "Okay, I-I tracked it down,", "And I gave it to barney\nto give to you.", "Honestly, it was no big deal.", "How did you find it?", "Psh. How does anybody\nfind anything?", "You hear it might be in your", "Race car pencil box.\nIt's not there.", "So you swing by\nyour ex-fianc\u00c3\u00a9e's", "Storage locker\non the opposite coast.", "It's not there.", "You learn victoria has it\nin germany,", "But jeanette intercepts it,\nthrows it in central park lake.", "It's a nice day for a swim,\nso what the heck?", "You dive in, scoop it up, make\nit home in time for jeopardy!", "Ease to the pease.\nHappy wedding.", "You're seriously questioning\nour wedding vows?", "Us? Uh, we're adorable.", "We're marshmallow\nand lilypad, bitch.", "Okay, I'll give you this.", "Your little pre-wedding\nwedding out by the tree--", "You said some very sweet stuff.", "Hell, ted even cried.", "(scoffs)", "Ted.", "But later,\nat the actual wedding...", "Lily aldrin,", "I vow to be there for you\nin sickness and in health.", "Hate to tell you, lilypad,", "But marshall has since\nconfessed to me", "That en route\nto your honeymoon...", "(retching):\nOh. Oh, god.", "(snoring)", "You son of a beech.\nYou son of a beech.", "Do you deny it?", "Lily, you know\nI'm not a vomit guy,", "And I just thought\nI should give you your space.", "Like a dying cat.", "Oh, yeah, that saves it.", "I'm so sorry I let you down.", "Hang on there,\nmarshmallow.", "Remember when\nthe blushing bride said...", "I vow to honor and respect you.", "Maybe she was blushing because\nshe was lying her ass off.", "Not two months later...", "Shh.\nOkay. Okay.", "Hey, not cool!", "You will not take a picture\nof my husband like that!", "(laughter)", "(camera clicks)", "Marshall:\nYou took part", "In the bearded wonder woman\nincident of 2007?", "Lily, that photo got\nall over friendster", "And myspace and... Man,\n2007 was a long time ago.", "Ted, I can't believe", "How much trouble you went\nthrough to get this for me.", "It really wasn't\nthat much trouble.", "Yes, it was.", "You always go big for me.", "Not as big as barney.", "Canadian rehearsal dinner\non ice-- big.", "The way he proposed-- huge.", "Yeah, but think about it.", "Those are the most loving things", "That barney has ever done\nfor me,", "And they're all based on lies.", "Right down to taking\ncredit for this locket.", "That's not fair.", "I told barney\nto take credit for it.", "Which he did\nwithout blinking an eye.", "Because lying", "Is second nature to barney.", "Everything's legendary.", "You know what \"legendary\" means?", "Not real.", "I mean,\nthe man's initials are \"b.S.\"", "If it helps, I'm pretty sure\nbarney stinson's a fake name.", "I'm kidding.", "You're the one who always\ncomes through for me, ted.", "The one who's there for me.", "Maybe I'm making a mistake.", "Wait. What-what are you saying?", "Maybe I should be marrying you.", "Wait. I know one vow we kept.", "I vow to make you breakfast\nin bed every Sunday morning.", "Really? You still do that?", "Absolutely.", "(baby crying)", "Marshall:\nHeads up!", "Oh! No cream cheese?", "Oh.", "Barney:\nOh!", "You feed her like sloth\nfrom goonies.", "So the magic's still there.", "Well, here's one", "You definitely didn't keep.", "I vow to keep\nthe romantic spark alive.", "And how is that going\nfor you these days?", "Marshall:\nAre you watching marvin?", "I'm trimming my nose hair.", "Lily:\nI'm dumping out.", "I watched him\nall morning, lily.", "I need a break.", "I don't control when my\ndeuces happen, marshall.", "Deuces are wild!", "(laughing)", "Ted,", "I should be with you.", "Narrator:\nThere it was-- the words", "That some deep, dark part of me\nalways wanted to hear.", "But it's funny.", "Once you actually\nhear those words out loud...", "I don't want to hear that.", "We should get out of here.", "You and me right now.\nWe'll...", "We'll move to chicago.\nW-we'll start a new life.", "It'll-it'll be painful\nat first,", "But, hell, I can root\nfor the blackhawks.", "Stop! Stop!", "You're just saying this\nbecause you're scared.", "I am not your\nfuture. Barney is.", "Shouldn't I be with the guy\nwho finds me my locket?", "The guy who steals me\nthe blue french horn.", "I mean, look me in the eye\nand tell me,", "Why shouldn't I be\nwith that guy?", "Because I'm not that guy\nanymore.", "Then why did you work so hard\nto find me my locket?", "It... It was a wedding gift.", "Ted, stop it, okay?\nI know you better than that.", "This is more\nthan a wedding gift.", "Maybe it started out that way.\nMaybe some part of me thought...", "That you still loved me.", "Maybe.", "But the truth is...", "I don't love you\nlike that anymore.", "And you don't love me.", "You love barney.", "And if you think", "I would ever be part\nof screwing that up,", "Then maybe you don't know me\nat all, robin.", "(groans)", "I... I can't shake it.", "I-I can't shake this feeling", "That nothing about me and barney\nmakes any sense.", "But love doesn't make sense.", "I mean, you can't", "Logic your way into\nor out of it.", "Love is totally nonsensical,\nbut we have to keep doing it", "Or else we're lost\nand-and love is dead", "And humanity\nshould just pack it in.", "Because love is\nthe best thing we do.", "Look, I know that sounds cheesy,\nbut it's-it's just true.", "You love barney,\nand-and he loves you.", "And that doesn't\nhave to make sense", "To make sense.", "Remember back when you had\nnever even seen me pee?", "Yeah.\nYeah.", "Oh, sorry.", "We were so innocent then.", "So many dreams.", "Trying to work over here.", "Bright, shimmering future ahead.", "Now we're basically\na couple of wild animals", "Grunting at each other\nto throw some toilet paper", "Through the crack\nin the bathroom door.", "Baby, let's be honest.", "At this point,\nthat door is wide open.", "You know what you should use\nthe next time you run out", "Of toilet paper?\nYour wedding vows.", "'cause that's all\nyour marriage has been,", "One long six-year wipe", "After that double-flusher\nof a wedding.", "Stinson out!", "You okay?", "Yeah.", "You're right.\nI'm-I'm being insane.", "Oh, come on, robin.", "That's... Accurate.", "(chuckles)", "We can't run away together.", "(chuckles)\nof course not.", "So I'm just gonna run away\nalone!", "(panting)", "Damn it.", "(panting)", "(yelps) whoa!", "Narrator: And that's how robin\nmet your mother.", "Wait, what are\nwe doing here?", "Lily, our-our\nwedding vows,", "Maybe they were just too\nperfect for real life.", "Real life is messier\nthan that, and...", "We're different people\nthan we were in 2007.", "But that's okay.", "Maybe we just need\nsome updated vows.", "So I thought maybe\nbefore this place", "Gets too busy, we could...\nBorrow this altar for a minute.", "Lily aldrin,", "I vow to stop shouting stuff\nat you when you're dumping out.", "You're the love\nof my life,", "And you deserve\nto make a deuce in peace.", "I vow to stop pointing out\nevery dog erection we see", "When we walk through the park,", "Even though they are\nincredibly weird looking.", "Oh, just don't point and scream\n\"maybe it's maybelline.\"", "Marshall eriksen,\nI vow to always tell you", "When you have green stuff\nin your teeth.", "You have green stuff\nin your teeth.", "Oh.\n(chuckles)", "I vow to always sit next to you\nand hug you,", "Even if you're covered in vomit,", "Whether it's yours", "Or marvin's or--", "In the case of what came to be\nknown as spew year's eve 1998--", "My own. Sorry.", "I vow to stop getting\nso angry...", "Ooh, I just thought of\nanother one.", "...When you interrupt me.", "Mine was to interrupt you less,", "So that's good.", "I vow...", "To finally stop petitioning\npaul mccartney", "To let weird al record\n\"chicken pot pie\"", "To the tune of\n\"live and let die.\"", "It's over.", "I'll let it go.", "I vow...", "To cry less\nduring this pregnancy.", "I vow to cry less\nduring this vikings season.", "Mm, with that secondary,\nI wouldn't make that promise.", "I vow to keep at least 80%\nof these vows.", "That seems high.", "And I vow to keep updating them\nas we go.", "Because one set of vows,", "It can't cover a lifetime\nof growing", "And changing with you,", "Of raising children with you...", "...Falling more and more in love\nwith you every day,", "Lily aldrin,\nwhich is what I vow to do", "For the rest of my life.", "Crap. I already broke\nmy crying vow.", "I'll forgive you.", "I am so sorry.\nAre you okay?\nOh...", "That was\ntotally my fault.", "No. The bride is always right.\nIt was my fault.", "Are you okay?", "I'm fine.", "Are you sure?", "Because you\nwere sprinting", "From a church\nin a wedding dress.", "And as a kid,", "I was a bit of a detective...", "(chuckles):\nSo...", "Um...", "To be honest,\nI'm-I'm wondering if this...", "Whole getting married thing is\nsomething I can go through with.", "Oh.", "Wow.", "That's it?", "Aren't you supposed\nto talk me out of it?", "Tell me it's just cold feet?\nI'm-I'm being crazy?", "Okay, during that fall, we did\nkind of get to second base", "With each other--\nand we'll always share that--", "But I don't really know you.", "So...", "Here's all I'll say:", "When I'm overwhelmed,", "I force myself\nto do one simple thing", "Before I have to make\na decision:", "Close my eyes\nand take three deep breaths.", "Three deep breaths.\nMm-hmm.", "Sometimes even three deep\nbreaths can change everything.", "(breathing deeply)", "Barney?", "Hey, I've been looking\nfor you. You okay?", "Uh... Yeah.\nI-I was just talking to the...", "The band about the...\nThing with the stuff.", "What are those?", "My vows.", "I-I know it's bad luck\nto see the bride", "Right before the ceremony,\nbut I realized something.", "Marshall and lily have broken\nmost of their wedding vows,", "But they're still\nthe best couple I know.", "I think their biggest problem", "Was that marshall\ndidn't tell lily the truth.", "So...", "I've decided to make\nonly one vow to you,", "Because it's the only one\nthat really counts.", "Robin scherbatsky...", "...From this day forward,", "I am always gonna be honest\nwith you.", "'cause I love you.", "I'll see you up there.", "Oh.", "Ted got that locket for you.", "He's the one you should thank.", "Barney, wait.", "(pachelbel's canon in d playing)", "(quietly):\nWhat is it?", "The cornflower blue tie.", "That's the one\nI should be wearing.", "It's right by my bed.\nBack in manhattan.", "Stall for me. I'll be back\nin six hours, tops.", "That's all of 'em!", "Wow.", "Wait.", "I'm free.", "It's over.", "The slap bet is finally... Over?", "Yeah, it is, buddy.", "(exhales)\nthank you.", "You know, this\nmay sound crazy,", "But I'm gonna miss\nthat slap bet.", "No, you won't.\nNo, you're\nright. I won't.", "(handel's \"hornpipe\"\nfrom water music playing)", "Hi.", "Hi.", "You've never looked\nmore beautiful, robin.", "Nobody asked you, patrice.", "By the way,", "In the interest of honesty,\nwe really do have a ring bear.", "What?", "Oh. I love\nthe ring bear.", "Then you are gonna love\nthe flower gorilla.", "What?\nKidding. I'm kidding.", "(chuckles)", "(clears throat)", "\u00c2\u00b6 if I ever\nwere to lose you... \u00c2\u00b6", "Narrator:\nKids, I won't lie,", "That was a long weekend.", "More ups and downs\nthan I can count.", "\u00c2\u00b6 I've not found by myself... \u00c2\u00b6", "It was a twisting,", "Turning road that led\nto the end of the aisle,", "And not everything\nalong the way was perfect.", "To be honest,", "Not everything to follow\nwould be perfect either.", "But what is?", "Here's the secret, kids:", "None of us can vow\nto be perfect.", "In the end, all we can do\nis promise to love each other", "With everything we've got.", "\u00c2\u00b6 'cause I can see \u00c2\u00b6", "\u00c2\u00b6 our future days... \u00c2\u00b6", "Because love's\nthe best thing we do.", "\u00c2\u00b6 days of you and me... \u00c2\u00b6", "And on that lovely\nspring evening,", "That's exactly what barney\nand robin vowed to each other.", "And it was legendary."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E23 Last Forever Part One": ["So?\n(whispers): No.", "No. You-you were in.", "I said, \"have you met ted\"\nand everything.", "How could that not work?\nI don't know,", "We introduced ourselves,\nI bought her a drink,", "Told her I loved her...", "What?\nI'm kidding.", "Hold on, roxanne.", "You played \"have you met ted\"\nwithout me?", "In   mbar with my ted?", "Maybe stealing a bro's wingman\nis okay back in...", "I'm sorry, what's the name of\nthis third world banana republic", "You claim to be from?", "Canada.", "I have literally\nnever heard of that place.", "When'd you move\nhere, anyway?", "Two months ago.", "How do you like it?\nHonestly,", "It-it's been\na little tough.", "I moved here for this on-air\nreporter job at metro news 1", "Thinking it was gonna\nbe my big break,", "Only to find out", "That our viewership\nmostly consists", "Of dmv waiting rooms", "And people plugging in their\ntv for the first time.", "(chuckles)", "To top it all off,\nI have no friends.", "Um... Wrong.", "You have four friends\nright here.", "Right, guys?\nUh, yeah.", "You're totally in our gang,\nnow. And once you're in,", "You're in for life, right?", "She's in.\nOh.\nAll right.", "She's in.\nWelcome.", "Well, if I'm in, I should\nget the next round.", "Whoa, whoa,\nooh,", "I like this girl.\nHo, ho.", "I'm serious, I\nlike this girl.", "So here's the deal\nwith the deal.", "Robin's my new\nbest friend--", "Nobody bangs her.", "Hey, hey,", "Hey, she only rejected me", "Three times,\nshe's still very much in play.", "I'm serious.", "There's only one way I'd let\neither of you have sex with her.", "(gasps)\nnot that. It's never that.", "I really want this girl", "To stay a part\nof our lives.", "So the only way you're allowed\nto hook up with her...", "Is if you marry her.", "Too rich for my blood.", "Ted:\nThat son of a bitch did it.", "He really did.", "So you're moving\nto chicago tomorrow, huh?", "How do you feel?", "Uh, I'm looking forward to it.", "The job's amazing.", "I got a great apartment\nlined up.", "You know, it's...", "It's exciting.", "Onwards and upwar...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Barney:\nHey! Bass player.", "It's me. The guy from\nthe drug store with the diapers", "That hit on you,\nthen we went outside", "And had a deep, emotional\ntalk on a bus bench.", "Remember when you", "Told me to stop\nmessing around", "And go get the girl?", "Well, check it. I got her.", "(chuckles)", "What about you?\nYou still dating that guy?", "Grape scotch!", "Ted, ted, ted, ted.", "Right here,\nright here,\nyeah,", "I-I see you, barney.\nRight here,\nright here.", "Good, great. Then it's\ntime to play a little game", "I like to call have...\nYeah,", "Barney, I...\nNo, no.", "You are not getting out\nof have you met ted.", "There's a girl\nthat you have to meet.", "She is perfect for you.\nAnd has...", "She met you?\nNo, she has... Not.", "Think of all the sex\nyou're gonna ha..", "Barney.", "I ha... I have to go.", "What, now?", "Yeah.", "Y...", "W-we have to do this outside.", "Robin.", "It's been a major pleasure.", "Major pleasure.\nMajor pleasure.", "(chuckles)\ncome here.", "(whispers):\nCongratulations.", "(whispers):\nThank you.", "Oh, god, no, this is too real.", "I can't handle this,\nmarshall's next.", "Marshall.", "Good luck out there\nin chicago.", "I'm gonna be kind of jealous\nof you, getting to have", "Gazzola's pizza\nwhenever you want.", "You're gonna be in rome.", "Yeah. I guess.", "I just...", "I feel like a hug isn't enough.", "E.T. Good-bye?", "(imitating e.T.):\nI'll be right...", "Here.", "Okay, it helped,\nbut that was really creepy.", "I don't want to\nsee you for awhile.\n(laughs)", "Barney.", "Mm.", "We licked the liberty bell.", "We did?", "Yeah, you...", "You don't remember that?", "Uh, I've done\na lot of cool stuff, ted.", "Oh, my god.", "I just... I just realized:", "Who am I gonna high five now?", "(laughs) come on, dude.\nNo, no,", "I'm being serious.\nWhat if I see...", "A pack of lions\nfighting a tyrannosaurus?", "Or, better yet,", "What if I see boobs?", "Who am I...\nWho am I gonna high five then?", "You can high\nfive marshall.", "Yeah, yeah. But marshall", "Only likes to high five\nabout lily boobs.", "Oh, always.", "Okay, barney.", "I have an idea.", "One last high five.", "A high five to echo\nthroughout eternity.", "Yes.", "And within\nthat high five will be", "All the high fives\nwe've ever high fived.", "And all the high fives we\ncould ever possibly high five.", "A high infinity.", "A high infinity, exactly.", "Let's do this.", "All right,\neverybody back up.", "Oh, boy.", "I'll see you\non the other side, ray.", "Nice working with you,\ndr. Venkman.", "(ted and barney growling)", "Ted and barney:\nAah!", "(slap)\now!\nOw!", "Oh.\nOh.\nOh!", "Worth it.", "So worth it.\n(short laugh)", "So I rushed out\nto make the train,", "Which is now 45 minutes late.", "This lady\nwith the bass guitar--", "Was she pretty?", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Yeah.", "She was beautiful.", "Go back and meet her.", "No.", "But what if it was destiny?", "Lady, it's been\na really long weekend.", "I'm moving to chicago tomorrow.", "I can't really\ntalk destiny right now.", "Okay.", "Yes?", "What if the universe\nsent you a gigantic sign", "That this woman\nwas your destiny?", "Then would you talk to her?", "Yeah, sure. I mean,\nI-I guess I would have to.", "Okay.", "Okay.", "Where is that train?", "Can I ask one more question?", "What?", "This girl with the bass guitar--", "Is that her?", "That is her, isn't it?", "(whoops)\nthis is so exciting.", "G-go talk to her.", "(whispers):\nAll right. Just be cool,\nlady. Damn.", "Why are you still\nsitting here?", "Because I'm moving to\nchicago tomorrow, remember?", "And 24 hours\nfrom now,", "My life is gonna be\ncompletely different.", "Marshall: This is so strange,\nyou know, now that ted's", "Gone, it's just a...\nA different vibe.", "You can just f-feel\nhis absence.", "Are you kidding me?!", "Oh, hey.", "What are you doing\nin new york?", "Aren't you\nsupposed to be in chicago?", "No... Oh.", "Yeah, I'm not doing that.", "What?\nWhat?", "I'm not moving\nto chicago.\nWhy?", "I met a girl.\nYou...", "Son of a bitch!", "What is the matter with you?", "How could you put us\nthrough that?", "That good-bye was\nemotionally devastating.", "A certain delicate flower\ncried all night in the shower.", "And I was pretty\nbummed, too.", "And now you're", "Staying because of some girl?", "I mean, who is\nthis person?", "The bass player\nfrom the wedding band.", "Oh, yeah, she's great.\n(gasps)", "Love her.\nRight,", "Right?", "What are you...\nWhat are you doing?\nCalling her.", "Don't do this.\nDon't call her the next day.", "You're blowing this.\nHuh?", "Three days.\nYou wait three days, ted.", "H-hey, it's ted. Hi. Um,", "Listen, do you ... Do you want\nto have dinner tomorrow night?", "Great.", "It was clear I meant\nwith me, right?", "Same answer. Solid.", "Marshall:\nWhy does he keep\ndoing this?", "He meets 'em,\nhe likes 'em way too much,", "He goes way too big, too soon,\nand he ends up blowing it.", "I can't take this anymore.", "He's fallen in love\nso many times now.", "Not like this.", "This is different.", "Come on, go talk to her.", "Oh, and it'll all be\nbecause of me.", "And I'll sing\nat your wedding. (laughs)", "Y-you are gonna have\na big wedding, right?", "What? No.\nJust be cool, lady. Damn.", "(sighs) and aren't big weddings\nkind of a young man's game?", "You don't have a big wedding\nin your 30s.", "If I do ever get married,", "I'm keeping it simple.", "Barney: A hot air balloon?", "Well, yeah. I mean,\nwhen you're getting married", "In a 17th-century castle in\nFrance and making your entrance", "On a stagecoach\nwith six white horses,", "You kind of got to make\na big exit. (chuckles)", "How much are you\nspending on this?", "Oh, like, a lot of money.", "Mm.\nAll of my money.", "Look, I know you guys\nhave been traveling a lot,", "But you're coming, right?", "Oh course. What...\nDuh.", "(short laugh)\n(quiet laugh)", "I'll get the next round.", "Thanks.", "I'd offer, but...", "Castle.", "Yeah.", "So, how you guys doing?", "I mean, robin's really\ntaking off at work, huh?", "It's like, \"robin scherbatsky,\nworld wide news, caracas.\"", "\"robin scherbatsky, world wide\nnews, st. Petersburg.\"", "\"robin scherbatsky,\nworld wide news,", "Anywhere but new york,\napparently.\" (laughs)", "But it's great.", "Uh, it's makes things\nsuper difficult for us,", "But it's great. It's great.", "It's great. It's great.", "One more and I'll believe you.", "It's great. (laughs)\nsounds great.", "Hey.\nHi, hi. Sorry I'm late.", "Can I talk to you for a minute?\nYeah, sure. Did you wire the\ndown payment to the castle guy?", "I got a castle guy.", "I've got, like,\nthree castle guys.", "And a moat guy, so...", "I didn't wire the\npayment because", "I don't think we can get\nmarried in September.", "What-what, why?\nBecause,", "When I do get married,", "I kind of want to fit", "In... My dress.", "Why wouldn't you f...", "No.", "Yeah.", "No.\nYeah.", "Yeah, yeah.", "Yeah.\nWhoa. (laughing)", "What's going on?", "She's getting a boob job.", "Lily: We just peeked in on penny", "Asleep in the baby room.", "It's adorable.", "The whole place\nlooks great, guys.", "But I can't believe you let ted\nhang his jousting lance", "From the renaissance fair\non your bedroom wall.", "(chuckles)\nyeah.", "That's ted's.", "So, marshall,\nhow's your job going?\nMm.", "My chair...", "Is reasonably comfortable.", "For short periods of time.", "Marshall has decided to say", "Only positive things about\nbeing back in corporate law.", "So you hate it?", "Much of what I do does not\nmake me cry.", "Hey, what about you guys?", "How was argentina?", "Great. It was great.", "It was great.\nIt was great.", "It was great.\nIt   wagreat.", "It was great.\n(chuckles)", "One more and I'll\nbelieve you.", "(sighs)\n(sighs)", "This is so not great.", "I'm sorry that I have\nto work while I'm here.", "It's called being on assignment.", "Well, what about me? There's\nno wi-fi in this hotel.", "How am I supposed to\nrun a business, robin,", "With no wi-fi?", "It's not a business,\nbarney, it's a blog, okay?", "It is a lifestyle blog.", "For the upscale,\nsophisticated urban\ngentleman, and it's", "Never gonna take off if I can't\npost today's boner joke.", "I know I'm always traveling.", "We both hate it when\nI'm gone, we both hate it", "When I drag you with me.\nNeither of us is happy.", "Is this just not\nworking anymore?", "Wait, w... What \"this\"?\nThis-this?", "If I gave you an out,\nright now--", "If there was\nan exit ramp right here", "At the three-year mark--", "Would you take it?", "Before I answer that,\nreal quick:", "You want to get super drunk\nand have sex right now?", "Of course.", "And then, one thing\nled to another.", "And then another.", "And then another\nafter that.", "Oh.\nOh.", "And we kept drinking, and", "May have had\na little... Too much.", "Arigato.", "Wow, these rooms\nall look the same,", "Even when you're sober.", "You're sober?", "So, um...", "About what we discussed\nlast night.", "How do you feel?", "I love you, robin.", "And when we got married,", "I made a vow that I would always\ntell you the truth.", "We got divorced.", "I can't believe you got\ndivorced without telling us.", "This is my mom and\ndad all over again.", "Barney, if you start\nbrewing your own beer now", "And nail my prom\ndate, so help me...", "Years too late on\none of those, teddy.", "Guys, it's okay.", "This isn't\na failed marriage.", "It's a very\nsuccessful marriage", "That happened to\nonly last three years.", "You both want this?", "For real?", "We do.", "For real.", "Lily, you okay?", "Of course\nI'm not okay.", "This ruins\neverything.", "Now we have to choose sides,", "And obviously\nwe're gonna choose robin,", "But barney has his moments.", "Marshall:\nI really liked", "The boner joke of the day.", "Look, you guys do not need\nto pick sides.", "Nothing has to change.\nNo. We've already\nbroken up before", "And we've stayed friends,\nremember?", "As long as you promise me this\nwon't mean we stop hanging out.", "Okay.", "I'm serious.\nI know,\nbut, I mean,", "We hardly hang out anymore\nanyway.", "They live in the suburbs now,", "And you two are about\nto have baby number three.", "Please. You're so obvious.", "Your gals are back up\nto a full c-cup,", "And you've been sipping\nher drink all night long.", "We didn't want\nto announce anything", "Till we knew for sure.", "Oh, my gosh, lily!", "That's amazing!\nOh, congratulations!", "Oh, my god.\nWait, see?", "This, right here,", "This is why we can't fall\nout of each other's lives.", "We have to be here\nfor the big moments.", "Just promise me,\nno matter what,", "We will always be there\nfor the big moments.", "I-I promise. We'll-we'll always\nbe there for the big moments.", "Mm.\nSee?", "It's like this whole divorce\nthing never happened.", "(crying)", "I...", "Hey.\nHi, sweetie.", "How was work?", "My-my boss only called me\nthree words", "That meant \"vagina\" today.", "How are the kids?\nAsleep.", "Good. This is working, right?", "Marvin and daisy sharing a room\ntogether? It's not too cramped?", "And then when the\nnext one arrives,", "We'll just put her\ncrib... In the shower.", "It's the perfect size.\nIt'll save time on cleanups...", "Let's move\nsomewhere bigger.", "Yes. Oh, thank god.", "I mean... You know,", "Don't get me wrong.\nI love this apartment.", "How do you say good-bye\nto so many special memories?", "Cock-a-mouse!\nWe have to move!", "(dance music playing)\n(laughs)", "Hey, marshall.\nRobin!", "Hey, I'm so glad you're here.\nIt's-it's been forever.", "Oh, hey.\nHey.", "Where's your...\nWhere's your costume?", "Oh, uh, it's been\na crazy week at work", "So no time to go shopping.", "Uh, well, who are\nyou supposed to be?", "Okay, I want to make it clear\nthis is not my idea.", "I'm captain ahab.", "Why is it bad\nif it was your idea?", "Robin, you made it!\nA white whale. Got it.\n(chuckles)", "Aw. Hi.\nHi.", "Yeah, I figured,", "People are thinkin' it. Might as\nwell steer into the skid, right?", "Where's your costume?", "Oh, you know,\nI've just been so...", "(squealing)\noh, my god, marshall!", "Guess whose digits\nI just scored?", "The slutty\npolice officer's...", "Tax attorney.", "Hey, robin!", "Hey.\nDidn't see you there.", "(chuckling nervously)\nsaved it.", "Sorry, I got to pee.", "I-I'll be back\nin... An hour.", "Oh, man.", "Is ted still wearing\nhis hanging chad costume?", "How old is that thing?\nIt's gone", "From played out to\ncharmingly retro and back", "Six or seven times now.", "Kind of\nlike ted himself.", "Tonight it's working\nfor him though.", "Robin:\nHow do you do this, ted?\nHow do you", "Sit out here all night\non the roof in the cold", "And still have faith\nyour pumpkin's gonna show up?", "Look, I know that odds are\nthe love of my life", "Isn't gonna magically walk\nthrough that door", "In a pumpkin costume at...", "2:43 in the morning, but...", "This seems as nice a spot\nas any to just, you know...", "Sit and wait.", "Um...", "Uh, c-can you tell lily\nI-I had to go?", "I got to split.", "(sighs)", "Speaking of splits, do you think\nI can do a split in midair", "Like my boy\ndavid lee roth?", "I know you can't.", "Challenge accepted.", "Barney:\nOh, my scrotum!", "(sighs)", "I can't get out\nof this thing.", "I'm holding it.", "Wait,\nare you leaving?\nYeah,", "I got a big day tomorrow.\nI got to get some sleep.", "No, you can't leave.\nThis is a big moment.", "We're saying good-bye\nto the apartment.", "The whole gang has to be here.", "The gang?", "Do you know who the gang is\nto me, lily?", "Here's what the gang is:", "The gang is a married couple", "Who I never see anymore,\nabout to have their third kid;", "It's my ex-husband,", "Hitting on slutty cops\nright in front of me;", "And it's the guy I probably\nshould have ended up with", "With the beautiful mother\nof his child.", "Oh...", "Oh, oh, so... So what?", "This is all", "Just over then?", "Our whole friendship\nis just over?", "No. No, of course not.\nLook, we'll...", "We'll always be friends.\nIt's just...", "Never gonna be how it was.", "It can't be.", "And that doesn't", "Have to be a sad thing.", "There-there's so much\nwonderful stuff happening", "In all of our\nlives right now.", "Look, more than enough\nto be grateful for.", "But the five of us\nhanging out at maclaren's,", "Being young and stupid...", "(sighs)\nthat's just not one\nof those things.", "(sighs)\nI got to go.", "Good night, lily.", "Good night."], "How I Met Your Mother S09E24 Last Forever Part Two": ["Lily:\nMarshall's almost here.", "Yes! Look at us,", "Hanging out again.\nThis is amazing.", "This is awesome!", "This is...\n(roaring)\n(laughing): Okay.", "Just settle\ndown, buddy.\nNo!", "Settling down is for losers with\nkids who never go out anymore.", "I am in\ncharge tonight,", "And the earliest\nI am allowing anyone", "To go home is... 2:00 a.M.", "10:00 p.M.\n9:45.", "3:00 a.M.", "Guys, tonight\nis gonna be legen--", "Wait for it...", "If I leave now,", "I could put\nthe kids to bed.", "I'll get the check.", "..Dary!", "Legendary!", "Guys, the gang is back!", "We're back!\n(sputtering, shouting)", "All of us except for robin.", "We never see her anymore.", "Okay, in addition\nto you guys not going home", "Before 4:00 a.M.--\nYes, it's up to 4:00 now--", "New rule: Anytime anyone talks\nabout something sad,", "We stay out an extra hour.", "We said we'd always be there\nfor the big moments.", "5:00 a.M.\nTo be fair,", "Tonight's just\nus hanging out", "Until 10:00 p.M., tops.", "It's not a big moment.", "Barney:\nUm,", "Yes, it is.\nUm, no, it's not.", "Um, yes, it is.\nUm... No, it's not.", "Um, yes, it is.", "I got a phone call today.", "A judge in queens is retiring,\nso...", "I'm gonna be a judge.", "(gasps)", "(shouting)\nyes! Yes!", "(laughing)\njudge eriksen!", "Yeah!\n(chuckling)\none more.", "I told you the phone would\nring. You deserve this.", "Thanks, lily.", "I love you, marshmallow.\nTed: Oh.", "1:45 a.M.", "Well, you were right, barney,\nthis night was, in fact,", "Legendary, but...\nI know what you're gonna say\nand I agree.", "We're going to vegas!", "Ted:\nI will be awakened", "By screaming children\nin less than...", "(crying):\nFour-and-a-half hours.", "Barney:\nYou're staying.", "I'm going.", "Judge fudge,\nyour very first ruling?", "(deep voice):\nHe stays.", "Hey! See?", "Tonight is about", "Celebrating our enduring bond\nas friends.", "Nay, family. Because\nthat's what we are, ted.", "We are fa...", "Okay, fun night,\nguys. Keep in touch.", "Damn it, barney.\n(choking)", "(strained):\nCrushing... Windpipe.", "You're lucky that's\nthe only pipe I'm crushing.", "Aah!\nThat woman\nis half your age.", "Haven't you changed,\neven a little?", "No. I haven't.", "Look, I know\nthere was a time", "When it seemed like I was\ncapable of going the distance,", "But... If it wasn't gonna\nhappen with robin,", "Then it's just not gonna\nhappen with anyone.", "I am never", "Gonna be a guy\nwho meets a girl", "And, from the first time\nI see her, I'm just like,", "\"you are the\nlove of my life.", "\"everything I have", "And everything I am\nis yours forever.\"", "Really?\nNo, I'm just making a point.\nMove it along.", "That's not me.", "I'm the guy\nwho straightens his tie,", "Says something dirty,\nhigh-fives himself", "And then goes and talks\nto that girl over there.", "That's me.", "Can I please... Just be me?", "Judge fudge?", "I'll allow it.", "Then I'll a-plow it. Self-five.", "Stinson out.", "(rock music playing)", "(cheering)\noh!", "(whoops)\nmarshall:\nHey, so are you guys", "Ever gonna tie the knot\nor are you...", "Are you just comfortable\nliving in sin?", "Someone's gotten a bit...", "Judge-y.\nOh!", "Sustained.\nThe mother:\nYeah.", "We'll get around to it.\nIt's just, you know,", "With life and\njobs and kids.", "Plus, this one's still\ninsisting on getting married", "In a french castle.", "I'd get married tomorrow\nin a white castle,", "But this guy needs\nmore \"wow factor.\"", "You're all the wow factor\nI need.", "Barney:\nAw!", "(mimics retching)", "Glad someone can be happy\non the day of a tragedy.\nLily: Aw, barney,", "You know this is\nall fake, right?", "That robot's\nnot really dead.", "(laughter)\nI'm not", "Talking about the robot, lily.\nEveryone,", "Stop having fun! I'm about\nto tell a sad story!", "Guys, remember back in 2010\nwhen I achieved a perfect week?", "Seven girls in\nseven nights, sure.", "Barney:\nWell, recently,", "I decided to attempt...", "A perfect month.", "I put together\na brand-new playbook.", "No, I can't hear this.\nThis is just too sad.", "But I haven't gotten\nto the sad part yet.", "You're in your 40s and\nyou have a playbook.", "That's", "The sad part.", "Lily... Just...", "Okay?", "So I put together\na brand-new playbook,", "Filled with plays\nI'd never tried before, like...", "...Where,\nas in the '80s classic,", "I magically come to life,\nif you know what I mean.", "...Where I wait till a girl\nmentions something she likes.", "God, I love nachos.", "Thank you.", "Allow me to introduce myself.", "My name is jim,", "Jim nacho.", "Inventor of the nacho.", "So... Did you get\na perfect month?", "Yes.", "Then why are\nyou so upset?", "That last girl, number 31...", "Oh, that's a pretty name.\nWhat is that, french?", "...She's pregnant.", "Wait, you're messing with\nus, right? Y-you didn't\nreally get a girl pregnant.", "It's real.", "She's pregnant.", "Kind of puts an asterisk on the\nwhole perfect month thing, huh?", "Barney, are you okay?", "Ah, jim nantz.", "Thank goodness. You're always\nhere for me in times of trouble.", "What should I do?", "You're on your own\nthis time, bro.", "Congratulations, papa.", "Stop it. This is a disaster.", "Why?", "Why? Because I'm too old.", "I was about", "To enter my golden years,\nmy clooney years,", "My daddy issues years,", "Where I don't just remind\nmessed-up girls of their dads", "Because I'm emotionally distant.", "I freaking look like\ntheir dads. That's the dream.", "My life", "Is over.", "So where are you guys\nregistered?", "Ted:\nAnother fun fact about the\ngoliath national bank building,", "The sleek but historical facade\nhas been described", "By architecture vision monthly\nas \"modern classicism.\"", "I can see that.", "Mm-hmm. Any questions\nfrom the group?", "I have a\nquestion.", "What happened to the building\nthat used to be here?", "It was way nicer.", "Robin!", "Oh, my god!", "What are you doing here?", "I thought you were in...", "Greece, uh, morocco, moscow.", "Yeah, world wide news\nkeeps me pretty busy.", "And pretty famous.", "I mean, you're everywhere.", "I am not everywhere. The...", "Okay, I'm some places.", "(laughs):\nHi, penny.", "Oh, my gosh, I haven't\nseen you in forever.", "I like you, bus lady.\nOh,", "I like you, too.", "Never call me that again.", "(giggles)", "And that was it.", "Wow.\nHm.", "A genuine scherbatsky sighting\nout in nature.", "At this point, that's\nlike seeing sasquatch.", "No, sasquatch is a warm\nand affectionate creature.", "At this point, robin's\nmore like the yeti--", "Cold and aloof.", "Hey, ted.", "Ask me if the abominable\nsnowman called.", "Has the abominable snowman\ncalled?", "Not yeti.", "Here we are again.", "Another big moment for us,\nand robin's missing it.", "Marshall:\nI know, baby.", "I mean, the birth of her\nex-husband's love child", "Is a bit of a stretch--\nbut I know, baby.", "(sighs)", "Well?", "It was... Crazy in there,", "But...", "I threw up,\nand now I feel better.", "Where were you?", "In the can.\nI knew I was gonna urp,", "So I put this on over my suit.", "Number 31 won't let me\nin the delivery room.", "We're gonna need a name\neventually.", "Mr. Stinson?", "Yes?\nCongratulations.", "Congratulations because", "The blood test came back\nand I'm not the father?!", "Happy not a father's day!", "No. Congratulations.", "It's a girl.", "Would you like to meet her?", "Nah, I'm good.", "I don't...\nOh, just go\nmeet your daughter!", "This is ellie.", "I'll give you guys\na minute.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "You are the love\nof my life.", "(trembling breath)", "Everything I have...", "And everything I am...", "...Is yours.", "(gasping breath)", "Forever.", "What?", "Do I have stuff in my teeth?", "Give me your\nengagement ring back.", "Just because I have\nstuff in my teeth?", "We-we can work through this.", "(laughs):\nJust give it back.", "(clears throat)", "Five years is past the statute\nof limitations on proposals.", "If you don't get married in that\ntime, you have to re-propose.", "Will you...", "Yes. Yes, you silly man.", "Let me finish.", "Will you...", "Yes! Sorry.", "Yes.", "Will y...", "Will you marry me...", "On Thursday?", "I called your office--\nyou got nothing on Thursday.", "Will you marry me on Thursday?", "Yes.", "(laughs)", "(groans)", "Same ring.", "(laughs)", "Lily:\nI can't believe it.", "It's ted mosby's wedding day!", "Yes! After only seven\nyears and two kids.", "Guys, am I rushing\ninto this?", "Whoa.", "Oh, buddy, are you okay?", "So tired.", "Baby no sleepy.", "Barney dying.", "Well, we're\nstaying out till\n3:00 a.M. Tonight.", "9:45!", "Seriously, though,\nI am so proud of you.", "Not that\nyou're a dad.", "It's like\nyou're a totally", "Different pers...\nWhoa!", "And... We're back.", "Hey.", "Hi.\nWhat to join us for shots?", "(chuckles):\nShots?", "Before lunch on a Thursday?", "It's like you're trying\nto make bad decisions.", "You young ladies\nneed to go home,", "Put on some\ndecent clothes", "And take a good hard look\nat your lives. Get!", "Call your parents--", "They're probably worried sick.", "I have officially", "Seen everything.", "Not everything.", "Hi.\nHi.", "I-I know I've...\nMissed a couple lately, but...", "We said we'd always be there\nfor the big moments.", "Aw, crap.", "Mascara running.", "Nobody let her\nout of your sight.", "Hi, daddy.\nWhoa.", "Look, robin,\nI'm really happy to see you,", "But I don't think of you\nthat way anymore.", "No, dummy,\nyou had a kid.", "Congrats.\nRight, yeah.", "Thanks. A kid.", "I'm tired.", "Oh.\nBut, uh,", "She's awesome.\nYeah?", "Yeah.", "Daddy's home.", "Mm.", "Judge fudge? Hey?\n(laughs)\nhey...", "Actually, um, little\nannouncement for everybody.", "I'm gonna be running\nfor state supreme court.", "Yeah. So if\neverything goes well,", "In a couple of months,\nyou won't be calling me", "Judge fudge anymore.", "You'll be calling me\nfudge supreme.", "(others chuckling)", "The man of the hour.", "Yeah.", "You rsvp'd no.", "I did.", "But someone pretty persuasive\ntalked me into it.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Sorry. I know\nit's bad luck", "To see the bride\nin her dress.", "Worth it.", "But I couldn't miss this.", "I want to get\na picture.", "Get in! I want to take\na picture of you guys.", "Come on, get together.", "Are you ready?", "All right, get in.\nAll right.\nAll right.", "One, two,", "Three.", "(shutter clicks)", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "Hey. Hey, you kids.", "Yeah, you didn't sound\na thousand there.", "Do you have any idea\nwhat happened right here", "In this very bar?", "No. What happened?", "(chuckles)", "Just...", "...Just all kinds of stuff.", "A toast.", "Mm-hmm.", "Okay, first off...", "To everyone at\nthis table...", "...I love you\nguys so much,", "I can't even...", "Just move to\nthe second part.\nOkay, okay.", "Secondly, to ted...", "Don't say it.", "Others:\n...Evelyn mosby.", "Thanks. Thank you for that.", "A man with...", "More emotional endurance", "Than anyone I know.", "It was a long,", "Difficult road.", "Thank god we\nfinally got here.", "Hear, hear.", "Others:\nHear, hear.", "Narrator:\nAunt lily wasn't wrong.", "It was at times\na long, difficult road.", "But I'm glad it was\nlong and difficult,", "Because if I hadn't gone\nthrough hell to get there,", "The lesson might\nnot have been as clear.", "You see, kids,\nright from the moment", "I met your mom, I knew...", "I have to love this woman\nas much as I can", "For as long as I can, and\nI can never stop loving her,", "Not even for a second.", "I carried that lesson with me\nthrough every", "Stupid fight we ever had,", "Every 5:00 a.M.\nChristmas morning,", "Every sleepy Sunday afternoon,", "Through every speed bump.", "Every pang of jealousy", "Or boredom or uncertainty\nthat came our way,", "I carried that lesson with me.", "And I carried it with me\nwhen she got sick.", "Even then, in what can only\nbe called the worst of times,", "All I could do was look at her\nand thank god,", "Thank every god there is,\nor ever was, or will be,", "And the whole universe,", "And anyone else\nI could possibly thank...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa will I see you tonight?", "...That I saw\nthat beautiful girl", "On that train platform,", "And that I had the guts\nto stand up,", "Walk over to her,\ntap her on the shoulder,", "Open my mouth,", "And speak.", "Excuse me. Hi.\nHi.", "I'm the...\nThe best man. Yeah.\nGet in here,", "Get in here,\nget in here.\nOh, thanks. Here, let me.", "Oh, okay. Thank you.", "Great show tonight. Yeah.\nOh, thank you.", "You're cindy's\nex-roommate, right?", "Yeah. And you are the professor.", "I took one of your classes.", "Really? Which one?\nMm-hmm.", "Econ 305.", "Econ 305.\nI don't teach...", "Oh, no.", "Oh, yeah.", "Excuse me, I'm gonna jump\nonto the tracks now.\nNo.", "No, no, no, don't.\nYou were great,\nyou were great.", "Wait a second.", "This is my umbrella.", "I left this umbrella\nat cindy's-- you totally\nstole my umbrella.", "(laughs):\nWhat? No, I didn't.", "This is my umbrella.\nI bought this.", "Excuse me. It even\nhas my initials", "On it right here: T.M.", "Ted mosby.", "Yeah. Look again,\nted mosby.", "Those are my\ninitials: T.M.", "Tracy mcconnell.\nUm, no, tracy mcconnell,", "It's t.M.--\nTotally my umbrella.", "Uh, you're t.M.--\nTerribly mistaken,", "Because this umbrella has\nalways belonged t.M.:", "To me.", "(laughs)", "Although... I did lose it\nfor a few years there.", "Um... So, I went to\nthis dance club...", "On st. Patrick's day.", "...On st. Patrick's day.", "And you left it there.", "And I left it there.", "And you never thought\nyou'd see it again.", "And I never thought\nI'd see it again.", "Funny how sometimes you just...", "Find things.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa will I see you tonight?", "Hi.", "(laughs):\nHi.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa every night", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa it's just the same", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa all upon a downtown train.", "And that, kids...", "Is how I met your mother.", "That's it?", "That's it.", "No. I don't buy it.", "That is not the reason\nyou made us listen to this.", "Oh, really?", "Then what's the reason?", "Let's look at\nthe facts here.", "You made us sit down\nand listen to this story\nabout how you met mom,", "Yet mom's hardly\nin the story. No.", "This is a story\nabout how", "You're totally in love\nwith aunt robin.", "And you're thinking\nabout asking her out,", "And you want to know\nif we're okay with it.", "I can't believe this.", "I kept this story short\nand to the point,", "And you guys still missed it.", "The point of the story\nis that...", "Is that you totally,\ntotally, totally have\nthe hots for aunt robin.", "No, I don't.", "Yes, you do.", "You're grounded.", "Wow, you are really\ninto aunt robin.", "You're grounded, too.", "Okay, suppose I were interested\nin aunt robin in that way--", "It's not like\nI'd do anything about it.", "I got you guys to think about.\nMy gosh,", "We   lovaunt robin.", "Whenever she comes over\nfor dinner, you guys", "Are so obvious.", "Come on, dad.", "Mom's been gone\nfor six years now.", "It's time.", "What, I just...\nJust call her up on the phone", "And ask her out on a date?", "Yes.\nYes.", "And that... That's something", "You guys would want?", "Yes!\nYes!", "All right, I'll give her a call.", "Do it.\nI am.", "Call her.\nI'm    calliher.", "Great.", "Here I go.", "Or...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa", "All right, home sweet home.", "Oh. Wait one second.", "Okay.", "Stay.", "(sighs):\nWe'll work on that.", "(intercom chimes)", "Television, display\nfront door security.", "(sighs)\ntelevision, dis...", "Oh, for pete's sakes.", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa may come and go", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa our crooked dreams", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa will always flow", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa remember", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa remem...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa ber", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa all we fight for", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa remember", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa remem...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa ber", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa all we fight for", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa remember", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa remem...", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa ber", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa all we fight for", "\u00e2\u0099\u00aa oh, oh, oh, oh..."]}