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[me narrating a documentary about narrators] ""I can't hear what they're saying cuz I'm talking""
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires... men.
I've been going through a really rough period at work this week It's my own fault for swapping my tampax for sand paper.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive... ...I would choose alive. -B.J. Novak-
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
Why can't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box. Heyooooooo
Why was the musician arrested? He got in treble.
Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it.
What do you do if a bird shits on your car? Don't ask her out again.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Telling my daugthers date that ""she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her."" *Correct way to parent.
What should you do before criticizing Pac-Man? WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes
What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and an autonomous robot...? Nothing... they were both made to steal American jobs.
What do you call a barbarian you can't see? an Invisigoth.
How do you spell Canda? C,eh,N,eh,D,eh
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the abortion clinic? Hasta last vista, baby.
My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...
My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
Thanksgiving joke What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving? Twerky! Just kidding... Drugs. She eats drugs. -Adam Zopf @adamzopf
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? 'Cause they are freaking good at it
How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
""That guy is such a douche-bag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!""  women
My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission. I guess I'll deal with him later.
What do you call a potato in space? Spudnik
How to get a cop's attention
What happens to a necrophiliac after death? Reserection
Why did the chicken hold a seance? To get to the other side.
Where do baby cows go to eat lunch? At the calf-eteria.
What's the difference between a painting and Jesus. You only require one nail to put up the painting.
Mom: ""Do you want this?"" Me: ""No."" Mom: ""Ok I'll give it to your brother."" Me: ""No I want it.""
How do you fit 4 gays on one barstool? Flip it over!
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar The bartender tells him, ""We don't serve superconductors here."" He leaves without resistance.
A guy pick up a woman Then he puts her down
Every night, I take all of the singles out of my wallet, spread them on the bed, and pretend I was pretty that day.
Which gospel contains Jesus' parable about the shades of numbers? Math hue.
Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.
Ted Cruz getting elected.
Before I destroy a wasp's nest I like to capture a single wasp and tell it my entire diabolical plan.
What's Al-Qaeda's favorite American football team? The New York jets.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here? ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don't. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Coming on valentines day. Fifty shades of grey. There won't be a dry seat in the cinema.
Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? He's a small medium at large.
Someone didnt click the button in /r/thebutton Yeah... Thats a good joke , he impossible!
What's the difference between a car tyre, and 365 condoms? One's a Goodyear, an the other's a great year.
Roses are red, Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.
I've struggled for years to be above the influence... But I've never been able to get that high
With Facebook, you can stay in touch with people you would otherwise never talk to, but that's only one of the many awful things about it
What's the difference between a blonde and a washer? When you dump your load in a washer, it doesn't follow you around for a week.
Have you ever heard of the movie ""Constipation""? No? Most likely because it never came out.
What's black, blue and doesn't look too well? Stevie Wonder
I saw a French rifle on eBay today It's never been fired but I heard it was dropped once.
What did the car said to the valet? I've been through a lot.
Bill Clinton must be the luckiest man in the world. All of the sex he has, with Hillary, you know it's hate sex.
yeah girl.. shake that thing where poop comes out of. it really turns me on when your poop factory shakes faster than usual
""I can't stand when people say they hate both of the presidential candidates."" --Stephen Hawking
A Mexican fireman had twin boys He named them Jose and Hose B
I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before!
Donald Trump will ban the sale of shredded cheese He wants to make America grate again
Things have really turned around for me since I re-named my penis and testicles ""JD Power and Associates"".
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don't remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why did the Xbox owner cross the road? To fuck your mom.
Sometimes you check the amount of subscribed people. When you do this, there are 4,111,093,0003.666 ""humorists"". 2/3rds of a person? Really?
I don't believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
What did the porn actress say when she opened the door? Make sure to come upstairs.
I don't judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender...I base it on whether or not they're an asshole.
Why were the baker's hands brown? Because he kneaded a poo.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I'm terrible at telling jokes... I always punch up the fuck lines
What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.
""You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this"" -Guy who invented shovels
How to keep the flies off the bride at an Italian wedding Keep a bucket of shit next to her
What do grandparents smell like? ""Depends""
7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.
What do people from the 1930's and /r/news jokes have in common? They're both old.
I like my slaves like I like my coffee Fair Trade.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once GIRL: holy cow how did you survive ME: I fell off the bottom rung
What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-think-he-saurus :) !! Lol What do you call a blind dinosaurs dog? A do-you-think-he-saurus-rex
I just bought a very tiny amphibian for a pet. It's my-newt!
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Jenna Jameson to Oprah, ""There's a little bit of Jenna Jameson in everyone."" I'm pretty sure she got that backwards.
Even after 20 years, Jared Fogle is still getting into smaller and smaller jeans.
I have a degree in men's studies. It's called ""world history"". #TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!
Why don't most fans like the first 39 episodes of DBZ? Its pretty gay, just Saiyan.
My ex-wife still misses me... But her aim is gettin better.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant (Told to me by one of the kids at work)
What did the two tampons say to each other? Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts.
What do you call Jay-Z having a leg transplant? A hip-hop hip op.
What defies the law of gravity? Women. They heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel.
""I'm so pissed I could punch a ba-"" ""A what?"" Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand. ""A bagel. I HATE carbs.""
What's the difference Donald Trump and my Vagina? One's a Cunt and the other has nice hair.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
You know... When someone says to you ""Jesus loves you."" It's always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail.
When I hear ""This call is being monitored for quality assurance"" I think ""Cool, let's see how bad this person wants their job.""
You know what the definition of ""competitive"" is? Finishing first *and* third in a circlejerk.
How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's? It smells like teen spirit.
What was the name of Paul Revere's favorite porno mag? The British are Coming
[car wreck] [hand reaches out] ""Take my hand. I'm Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback."" [I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton any second now
Chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? To go to the gay guys house Knock knock Who's there? The chicken
Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?  Pupil: For a parrot to perch on miss.
I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience.
Yup. If pasta & antipasta ever touch, they annihilate. For your safety, that's why restaurants never serve them together.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won't kill all of them.
When my wife takes a nap, it's ""desperately needed rest."" When I do, it's ""lazy chauvinist party-time.""
""Update the Force, young Skywalker"" Said Adobe Wan Kenobi.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
TIL A ref can show a player the red card for a loud fart ... even if it isn't Messi.
What did the wise man say to the fat guy? You should probably go on a diet.
Who is better? The 3rd wave feminist or the pencil? The pencil is better. It has a point.
Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson.
Why do you call a Mexican midget a paragraph? ...because he's too short to be called an essay.
This morning I had a swollen testicle. ""I'd have simply preferred toast,"" I told my wife.
""What's that?"" A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I'm a little bit closer to freedom. *puts in dollar* ""WTH!?!""
What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,""Help, they've turned me into a parrot."" you are wasting everybody's time.
My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet
What do you call a racist dog from Animal Crossing? KKK Slider
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines... They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.
What did the man with The World's Largest Penis say when he had to have his legs amputated ""Don't worry, I still have my third one.""
What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet
When I was interviewed for a job in the chemistry department, they asked me if I had lab experience. I said I was more of a cat person.
There are two types of people in this world. And I hate them both.
I'd give these pigeons some bread but they'd probably just spend it on drugs.
Two skeptics walk into a bar.. I'd tell you what happens next but noone knows
Everytime you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job...HAHAHAHA! Because it gets FIRED. HAHAHA! *I'm in tears*
In China the labels read, ""Made by someone you know.""
It would be great to be born on Earth and die on Mars. Preferably not on the point of impact.
You could be a ""Before"" model.
Descartes walks into the bar. The bartender asks him, ""will you have your usual tonight?"" Rene replies ""I think not"" and he disappears.
Anyone want to hear my Human Centipede joke? Nah, I won't tell you it. It sucks ass.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My favorite knock knock joke. I need someone to start it ... Someone start the knock knock joke ...
My Parents asked me what i wanted for christmas... I said i want something to wear and something to play with. So they got me a pair of pants with the pockets cut out.
With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I'm not allowed at the company family picnic any more!
[at my funeral] So young, how did he die? He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word ""bae""
Stealing my little brother's (fellow Redditor) original joke, hope he sees it and is pissed. What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree...? A Porky-Pine
What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae
What does a sheep say after walking into a disgusting, dirty bar? Ew.
What's the best part of a pregnancy joke? The delivery.
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night. I wanted it to be special
What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar? Pushing in somebody's stool.
What is your best ""Yo mama"" joke?
What's a pirate's favourite type of weaponry? It's ARRRtillery! bonus: A pirate's favourite melee weapon? A scimitARRR
Hey, who did you vote for?... I wrote in Michael J. Fox. I think he can really shake things up!
I once had a crippiling masturbation addiction... ...now i have a sex addiction, could you say my addiction has gotten out of hand?
Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.
Why did the Mexican take his Xanax? For hispanic attacks.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number* Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.
A man balks in a war He is discharged for dereliction of duty and takes up drinking.
Instead of calling them flyover states we should call them comments section.
A triangle exploded and a piece hit me. It was a 60-debris angle.
Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income  family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Does a cow give milk? No, they have to take it from her
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can't be good.......
Why can't a bike stand on it's own? Because it is two tired.
What did the gay guy say to his lover when they were going on vacation? ""Hey, can you help me pack my shit?""
Coworker: Stop Me: collaborate and listen Coworker: Don't Me: you forget about me Coworker: Hey! Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his  own.
Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve Because they all share the same DNA
My house is really small until I can't find my phone.
Dear President Obama, I've got a joke for you... I texted it to Angela Merkel. Did you... *get it*?
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I'm available.
I don't understand women. I also don't understand how a car works but I still drive it.
What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage? Tri-weekly Try Weekly and Try Weakly
How do they calculate global warming? Al-gore-ythms
What happens when Turkeys get the common cold? They quit smoking.
The hands that help others in need are holier than the lips that pray.
What do gays and melons have in common? cantaloupe...
My girlfriend is great in bed... But I don't know how my best friend would know that.
What do you call a Jedi who worries about not making deadlines? Panickin' Skywalker.
Why did the composer go to the chiropractor? Because he had Bach problems
[Justice League HQ] SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I'll just fight daytime crimes
If we attacked Turkey from the rear... ...do you think Greece would help?
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff badum tss
My favourite word is snigger It allows me to be sracist without speople sthinking I'm a sbad sperson
How do you hide an elephant in a fridge? You remove his slippers and open the door . You put him inside. You close the door and take the slippers away.
Pete and repeat are in a boat Pete and repeat are brothers. Pete falls overboard, who's left?
What do you call a green cow in a field? Invisibull.
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to the gym manager when he was joining a new gym? I'll re-rack.
You're shoes are untied! April fools! Got ya!!
Right now a group of women at a baby shower are simultaneously saying, ""Awwww..."" while some knocked up chick holds up a tiny pair of socks.
Gentlemen test At least most tests have the decency to ask me my name, before they fuck me.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
I went in to hospital for an operation... I asked the anaesthetist if I could administer the needle myself, and he said: ""Sure, knock yourself out"".
A piece of shit walks into a bar It's my dad... My dad is a piece of shit.
What's a snakes favourite dance ? The mamba !
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!
What is the last thing that tickle-me elmo gets before he leaves the factory? Two test tickles
What do you get when you cross a sheep stealer with royalty? Mutton Looter King