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BIG BULLY

I'm sick of being bullied and belittled by my wife

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30792701/sick-being-bullied-belittled-by-wife/

MY dad was a bully and drove me to alcoholism. Now my wife is bullying me. I’ve not drunk a drop of alcohol since I got treated 20 years ago and I’m not going down that road again. Whatever I do now, I get on my wife’s nerves. If I ask her which bin goes out, she gets angry. She belittles me in front of friends too. We either have the big, shouting, melt-down, or days of her not speaking to me. I can’t stand much more of this. We’ve been married for five years. Our kids are in their late teens now. My wife is 52 and I’m 58. I’m questioning why I married her at all but it was probably because she forced me into it. She has recently demanded that I buy her a plane ticket so that she can go and see her sister in the States. She said I promised her - which I did - but that was before I was made redundant. I told her I’d have to check our finances and that was met with a volcanic eruption and more abuse being slung my way. Now she’s not speaking again. I think we might be done.

Your relationship sounds abusive. Find a quiet moment to tell her that you can’t live like this. The shouting or not speaking is damaging for the children and they may choose similar partners as they grow up as they’ll relate this to ‘normal’ family life. Explain that from now on, she must treat you as she wishes to be treated and if she’s upset about something she should talk in a calm, adult manner. If she starts to shout or belittle you from now on, walk away. Explain that you feel at a crisis point and you’re going to find some emotional help. She may choose to go with you. My support pack called Relationship MOT explains how to improve things and where to find a counsellor.

NOT APPY

Online dating is a mystery to me and no matter what l do I can't get any matches

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30764398/want-meet-someone-settle-down-no-matches/

I’VE tried so many dating apps but my profile always says the same - no matches. I’m so fed-up. I’m a man of 30 and all of my mates are settling down or their partners are having babies. I’ve been invited to four weddings this year yet I’m unlucky in love myself. I have had one long-term relationship with a girl at university that lasted a year. She dumped me when somebody better came along. I’ve got a good job, I drive a nice car and I’m a kind person. I work hard and have a good family but nobody seems to want to get to know me. And if I meet someone in real life, like at one of the weddings I’ve been to, I quickly get friend-zoned. I don’t know if it’s my looks. I’m not a gym fanatic so I’m not ripped but I play football once a week. Can you help?

Online dating is very much focused on appearances, so get a second opinion on your profile from someone who will give you helpful feedback. Is your picture inviting, do you look approachable? Are you clear about what you are looking for? Focusing on mutual interests is a great way to get the conversation going. Developing a friendship is often the best way to meet your future partner so don’t get hung up on finding romance straight away. Have a think about developing other interests outside your football club which will have limited opportunities. You can check out meetup.com to see what else is going on locally.

SO HOPELESS

I'm 25 but my father won't allow me any freedom... I feel so stuck

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30730867/father-wont-allow-freedom/

MY father treats me worse than an animal. I’m a 25-year-old woman, but I’m not allowed any freedom. He is an anti-vaxxer and won’t allow me any medical tests, or healthcare when I am ill. Since leaving school, I haven’t had any friends as he won’t allow them to visit. I can’t go out alone, or use a phone. Asking him for more is hopeless as he always says he knows what is best for me. Working part-time, cleaning for a friend of his, I was saving money to get away. But that stopped during the pandemic and my dad wouldn’t let me return. I only have £230 and know that isn’t enough to set up a home on my own. Help, I feel so stuck.

Family can be the perpetrators of domestic abuse and your dad’s treatment is very concerning. Contact Women’s Aid (womensaid.org), who can advise you how to get away safely. There are government grants that support domestic abuse survivors who flee and set up a new future.

SO LOW

My in-laws won't let me move on from my biggest regret

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30764405/in-laws-are-suicidal-thoughts-something-years-ago/

MY vile in-laws are driving me to think about suicide because of something I did years ago. They won't let me forget it. I’ve been married 23 years. I'm 46 and my husband is 44. We married because I was pregnant but we were too young really. We had such a rocky start and when the baby came along, things got worse. My husband was working long hours and I had one friend - a male neighbour. He was 41 then, unemployed and he manipulated me. He told me I was beautiful and pressured me into having sex with him. We ended up in bed together and my husband found out. I was 24. My husband left and ran to his parents’ home and told them everything. We worked through things and my husband forgave me but his parents never did. It happened once but they still make horrid remarks such as I’m “an embarrassment” and my mother-in-law even called me a “whore” recently at a family barbecue. They are constantly on my mind. I think I’d rather not be here any longer if I’m such a bad human being.

Cheating wasn’t right but your husband gave you a second chance, which was his choice. His parents don’t get a vote, nor should they behave abusively towards you. It would have been good for your husband to stop their comments but if they’ve always been abusive, it may have taken him right back to his childhood where he felt afraid. Now you have a choice - whether you allow them to be part of your future, or not. Not having you along at get-togethers may take some adjustment for your family but if they are not pleasurable experiences, why subject yourself to it? My support pack called Standing Up For Yourself will help you to talk to your husband. Also you'll find emotional support from CALM, the Campaign Against Living Miserably (calmzone.net, 0800 58 58 58).

DEAR DEIDRE

My husband keeps throwing my affair with 19-year-old student back in my face

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30730729/husband-affair-student/

EVERY time we argue, my husband brings up my affair with a 19-year-old student. It’s the biggest mistake of my life, and I lost my job over it. But he’s no saint either — he had sex with another woman — and it’s not fair for him to keep throwing this back in my face. I’m 35 and he’s 39. We’ve been married for ten years and have a young child. Five years ago, he had a drunken one-night stand. I found out and forgave him, and we agreed to work on our relationship. But I was angry and found it hard to trust him. When a male student came to me with his personal problems — I was a college lecturer — I grew close to him. I could talk to him in a way I couldn’t to my husband. He was handsome and his interest in me was flattering. Foolishly, I ended up having sex with him a few times. I quickly put a stop to it. But he told his friend and it got back to the college. There was an investigation and I was dismissed. Of course, I had to tell my husband. I explained it had happened because of his infidelity, and the fact I felt so unloved. He seemed to understand and to forgive me. But it’s become clear he bears a grudge. Because whenever we have a fight, which is increasingly more frequent, he’ll say: “I’m not the one who lost their job because I couldn’t keep my knickers on.” I’m starting to hate him. I’ve told him he needs to get over it, or I’m leaving. However, I can’t actually afford to leave. So I feel stuck with this man who is making me miserable and won’t let me move on from my mistake.

You paid a big price for your mistake and feel you were punished enough. But your husband continues to berate you, years later, revealing he hasn’t got over it. Perhaps he felt humiliated by the public nature of your betrayal. Instead of giving him ultimatums, suggest that change, rather than splitting, is what you really want. It would be better if you could work through this together My support packs, Looking After Your Relationship and Cheating, Can you Get Over It? might help. Blaming each other isn’t produc­tive. Tell him you want to put this behind you and start again as a couple with a clean slate. If this isn’t possible, then you might need to discuss splitting amicably, for your child’s sake. Counselling could help you talk more openly and honestly. See my support pack about this.

AT ODDS

A handyman would solve all of my relationship problems

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30792705/handyman-solve-all-relationship-problems/

MY life would be so much easier if we could afford to take on a handyman. I used to do all the DIY, the decorating and the repairs but these days, I’m not up to it. My wife goes on at me all the time about fixing the garage door or lopping the trees around the garden. It causes a lot of tension between us. We are both 79 and we live in a big five-bedroomed house which we’ve had for almost 50 years. We wanted children but it never happened for us. My pension is OK but it wouldn’t run to getting all these repairs done. My wife is in denial about us getting older and less able to do things.

Find a moment to explain that her demands are spoiling your relationship. You don’t feel as fit as you once were and you can’t afford to employ people to help. Your options are selling up and finding a smaller, easier to maintain home. There are other benefits. If there’s a holiday you’ve always wanted to go on, having some money from the sale may help you to do that or you can just enjoy having some savings. Alternatively, as you’ve no children to leave your home to when you die, you could suggest finding out about a reputable equity release scheme to free up some money to repair your home. Contact Age UK for advice (www.ageuk.org.uk, 0800 678 1602).

DEAR DEIDRE

I regularly have sex at massage parlours but I'm worried it will bankrupt me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30764406/worried-massage-parlour-habit-going-bankrupt-me/

DROPPING into massage parlours is part of my regular routine, but I’m panicking my need for sex is going to bankrupt me - it’s costing a fortune. I’m a married man of 51 and my wife is 54. We’ve been together for 22 years and I love her to bits but her multiple sclerosis is having a big impact on her health and she says she can no longer have sex with me. I’m an electrician and I meet plenty of great women in my job, but I would never cheat with anyone connected to my work or personal life - despite my sexual frustrations. A mate told me about a place in town where they do massages and in the evening, they offer men ‘happy endings’. We were both having a drink at the time, so he suggested we went along when we’d finished our pints. We were massaged in private by some very friendly women but when mine offered me extras, I bottled it. My mate had a spring in his step when he came out, but I explained that it wasn’t for me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it though. Was it cheating if there was no affair? I convinced myself that if my wife never found out, there would be no harm done. The next week, I told my wife I was meeting my friend again but went straight to the massage parlour. The masseuse gave me a very deep back and shoulders massage which was incredible and got me in the mood to pay for extras. Now I’m hooked and I’m going every week - twice sometimes. The bank called me yesterday because I was overdrawn. I told my wife I had to buy work supplies and used the wrong bank card. I’m scared she’s going to find out.

I’m not sure what it is about having sex with another woman that has convinced you that you’re not cheating. To be crystal clear you are betraying your wife. There are other ways of being intimate without cheating so do the right thing. Vow to stop this habit and focus on your wife. Bring things back under your control and get your finances back on track. Tell your wife that you miss the intimacy and ask whether there are things you can do for her, even if she can’t have intercourse. My support pack called Couples Massage will help you both feel relaxed and connected and perhaps other things will happen naturally. Please contact the Laurel Centre (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) who can help you tackle this destructive addiction.

WORK WOES

I want to leave my job in sales because I’m miserable but feel like I can't

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30731051/leave-job-sales-stressed-out/

AFTER nearly two decades working in sales, I’m stressed out and miserable. However, I can’t leave because my wife loves the good salary I bring home. And besides, at my age, who is going to want me – I can’t do anything except for sales. I’m 46 and my wife is 47. We have two teenage daughters and I definitely can’t do anything until they have left home. In the meantime, I struggle to get out of bed in the mornings. Sunday nights are when I feel lowest. What can I do?

Have you talked to your wife? She may enjoy the money but given a choice, would prioritise your happiness. You sound depressed and when you get so low it is hard to see a way out of a challenging situation. Talk to your doctor so they can help you get back on a more even keel. Sales people have transferable skills so there will be other roles for you. Once you feel a little lifted you’ll see the poss­ibilities that are out there.

DEAR DEIDRE

My husband is constantly sexting other women behind my back - it's humiliating

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30735953/husband-sexting-other-women/

THE only way to stop my husband sexting other women is to treat him like a child. So far I have insisted he delete his social media accounts, hand over his phone whenever I ask and stop going out without me. It’s ridiculous that I can’t trust him but he’s proven to me time and time again that he has a problem and as soon as my back is turned, he starts sexting or exchanging lewd videos with women. The whole thing is so humiliating. I am 38 and my husband is 41. We have been married for 15 years. Over the last year I have lost track of the number of different women he’s sent naked images to. Most of these women have been complete strangers but I’ve also found explicit messages from local females. If I explain how he makes me feel he makes empty promises but I am beginning to think he can’t actually stop. He acts as if it is no big deal even when he has made me cry. I don’t want to give up on our relationship because other than this, he is a good man. He hasn’t actually met any of these women, it is all conducted online but in my book this is still cheating. I love him but I wish I knew why he feels the need to do this. I don’t know what to do.

You have neither agreed to, nor sanctioned your husband’s sexting, so his repeated conversations are absolutely a form of adultery. I understand why you have stepped into the parent role in an attempt to curb his behaviour. But this isn’t resolving the root issue and until that happens, he will keep finding a way to cheat. Some men do it for the excitement without any intention of having a physical or emotional affair but he is completely disregarding your feelings. Some repeatedly stray to distract themselves from other unresolved issues preying on their minds like anxiety, other addictions or grief. For others it’s an escape from a controlling relationship. Whatever the answer, he’s deluded if he expects you to ignore all this. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you both. If he values your marriage he must seek help to change. Ask him to go with you to see a sex and relationship therapist. COSRT (cosrt.org.uk) can help you find a reputable counsellor.

SEX STRESS

I love my wife but I've become resentful after a decade without sex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30731237/wife-resentful-no-sex/

A DECADE without sex has turned me into a depressed, angry and resentful person. My wife stopped wanting penetrative sex when she went through the menopause. I’m so miserable and know that if we could just make love, all my problems would go away. I’m 58 and she’s 57. We’ve been married for 20 years. Our sex life was great until my wife went through “the change”. Sex became very painful for her, to the point where I wasn’t allowed to touch her at all, and her libido vanished. As I love her, and wouldn’t do anything to hurt her, I stopped even asking for intercourse. She says there’s other ways to have sex, and seems content with kissing and cuddling. But I’m not. For me, not having penetrative sex feels like a huge loss – I’m being denied something fundamental, a way of expressing myself as a man. Over the years, my dissatisfaction has grown, now all I think and dream about is having sex. I still find my wife attractive and sexy. but it’s changed my personality and how I treat her, and I hate myself for it. I snap a lot and am grumpy and sad. When we finally talked about the issue, my wife said if it was that important to me, I could have sex with someone else. But I’m not sure she meant it and it’s not what I want. I love her and don’t want to cheat – it’s her I want. Am I being unreasonable?

When one partner wants sex and the other doesn’t, it can torpedo even the most loving of relationships. Many menopausal women do experience a loss of libido and, for some, the loss of oestrogen can make sex painful. My support packs, Love And The Mature Woman and Painful Sex, will tell you more. HRT and topical treatments can help. But your wife needs to ask for them and, from what you say, it doesn’t sound like she wants to. Although she recognises there’s an issue, she doesn’t appear to miss intercourse and says she’d rather you had sex with someone else. That’s not fair. But it’s also unrealistic of you to suggest that having intercourse would be the solution to all your problems. If talking is getting you nowhere, relationship counselling could help. Find some support and advice by contacting Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, tel: 020 7380 1960).

PICTURE THIS

My husband claims he's impotent but is sending sexual photos to other women

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30713277/husband-impotent-sending-sexual-photos-other-women/

MY husband claims to be impotent but he’s been sending pictures of his erect penis to women on social media. We haven’t had sex for 10 years, and I’m devastated. I’m 57 and my husband is 60. We’ve been married for 23 years. We both have health issues, which leave me in constant pain and mean he isn’t able to perform in bed - or so I believed. When sex started becoming a problem, we talked about it and agreed we would both be happy to kiss and cuddle in bed instead. Recently, I noticed that he has been going out for long walks, getting up early and spending too long in the toilet. He always has his phone with him. The other day, I woke up in the middle of the night and went into the bathroom. He was there, sitting on the closed toilet, messaging someone. His trousers were undone. I asked him to show me his phone and there was a picture on it of him, naked from the waist down. He admitted he’d been sending pictures of his penis to a woman he met online. And she’d been returning the favour - for money. I was horrified. He’s clearly been lying about being happy to be celibate and also about his impotence. His excuse was he needed the attention and he feels more like my carer than my husband. It feels like my fault. He says it wasn’t an affair and he’d never do that. But although he’s deleted this woman from his phone, I feel I can’t forgive him or trust him. What should I do?

When one partner assumes a caring responsibility for the other, it often has a detrimental impact on their intimate relationship. But if your husband was unhappy or felt sexually frustrated, he should have spoken to you about it rather than turning to another woman and lying. You can’t help being in pain and shouldn’t blame yourself. Tell him how you feel and discuss if there may be other ways you can be intimate, which don’t cause you discomfort. Talking to a sex and relationship therapist would help you both work through this and find practical solutions. Contact COSRT (COSRT.org) who can put you in contact with a reputable counsellor.

DEAR DEIDRE

The woman I love has scammed me out of money but I don't want to leave her

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30713281/woman-love-scammed-money-dont-want-leave/

I THINK the woman I’m in love with has scammed me out of money, but I still can’t break things off with her. Now I’m both heartbroken and in lots of debt. I’m 34 and have been in a long-distance relationship with a girl, 28, for two years. We’ve never met but speak every night for hours. I’ve never felt so strongly about anyone. She has a low-paid job as a carer and is always broke. The first time I gave her money was when her car was written-off and she couldn’t afford to buy a new one. I took a loan out to help her and always assumed she’d pay me back, but she didn’t. Since then, I’ve given her money several times - thousands of pounds in total - to help her pay her rent, to get her train tickets to visit her family, to buy furniture and even clothes. She never asks directly but I always feel I need to help and find myself offering. I have a decent job, but my rent is high, and I don’t have much to spare. I’m now finding it hard to pay back my loan and credit cards. I wouldn’t have minded, as I thought we had a future together. But she always makes excuses why she can’t meet. Last month, I went on her Facebook account and saw pictures of her with another guy. It looked like they were on holiday together - a holiday I think I’ve paid for! I asked her about it and she told me he was her ex and they were old pictures. I know she’s lying. I looked up the guy’s profile and he says he’s in a relationship with her. All the evidence points to her cheating and scamming me, but she denies it. She even got angry with me for accusing her. I don’t know what to do. I love her.

You’re in love with the woman you think she is, not the real person. Someone who loves you wouldn’t keep taking money from you or avoid meeting up. You sound like a lovely guy and deserve better. Hard as it will be, you need to break up with her and end all contact. My support packs on Love Online and Addictive Love might be helpful to read. Find out more about dating scams from Action Fraud (actionfraud.police.uk). For help with your debts, see Solving Debt Problems.

DEAR DEIDRE

I'm in the dog house for calling out her sister's name in bed

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30681327/dog-house-calling-her-sisters-name-in-bed/

I CAN'T stop mumbling my sister-in-law’s name in my sleep and it’s causing me no end of aggro. Years before meeting my wife, I did have a fling with her sister. Amazingly this hasn’t caused any issues between the three of us - until now. Now my wife doesn’t trust me and it’s starting to impact our relationship. It’s ironic as I am happily married but my wife doesn’t believe me. I’m 39, my wife is 35 and we’ve been together for eight years. We have two daughters. My sister-in-law and I met through mutual friends and only slept together twice after drunken nights out. I hadn’t seen her since until my wife introduced me to her family. I had no clue they were related so it was quite a shock. I came clean to my wife instantly, and while it was hard for her to process at first she came to terms with it pretty quickly. Everything had been great between us since and I’d even developed a good relationship with her sister. It was almost as if it had never happened. Then a couple of months ago my wife woke me up after she’d heard me saying her sister’s name in my sleep. I couldn’t understand why it had happened. I didn’t even think of her sister in that way anymore. Ever since it’s been a recurring problem and no matter what I do I can’t seem to stop. It's really starting to cause us issues and while I’ve tried my hardest to reassure my wife, I'd be lying if I said it hadn't put a strain on our marriage. How do I solve this?

It’s understandable that this is causing issues in your relationship. It can’t be easy for your wife to constantly hear you say her sister’s name in your sleep. However, it’s important you both remind yourselves that dreams aren’t reality and they only become meaningful if you choose to take them more seriously. It could even be that you’re thinking about not saying her sister’s name so much that it’s on your mind before you go to sleep. What matters the most is that you and your wife love each other and are happy in your marriage. Pick a moment to talk to her and reassure her that you don't have any attraction to her sister in any way. Hopefully, some open communication will put her mind at ease.

SIBLING STRESS

I'm at the end of my tether with my reckless older sister's behaviour

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30681318/end-of-tether-reckless-older-sisters-behaviour/

AFTER years and years of reckless behaviour, I’m at the end of my tether with my older sister. Whether she’s fleecing money off of my parents or partying the night away while her kids are at home, everything she does is chaotic. I’m 34, my sister is 38, and ever since we were teenagers she’s always been a bit of a loose cannon. She’s never managed to hold down a job for longer than a year but always blames the work, the colleagues, or her bosses. It is never ever her fault. We thought she would finally settle down when she met her first husband and fell pregnant, but nothing changed. After the birth of her first child, she was back on the lash within a couple of weeks. Now she’s engaged to her third man and has four kids with four different dads. This wouldn’t even be so bad if she could actually parent them properly, but every weekend she’s out drinking, leaving her fiance or my parents to do the honours. Her children are lovely but I worry about the impact that my sister’s selfish attitude is having on them. The worst part is that she never has any money of her own and is constantly using my parents as her own personal ATM. I’ve tried talking to her countless times but it’s like talking to a brick wall.

As hard as it may be, you and your parents need to start setting strong boundaries. Talk to your parents about how the hand outs aren’t helping your sister. By funding her frivolous lifestyle they are in fact enabling her poor habits. It may be worth finding a moment when you are both calm to try to have another go at sorting things out. Approach her gently and tell her that you are worried about her. My support pack Stressed With The Kids will help.

INSECURITY ISSUES

I have no trust in my girlfriend since I found out she cheated

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30713280/no-trust-in-girlfriend-since-she-cheated/

IT'S been impossible to trust my girlfriend since I found out she’d cheated. She lied to my face about it and now I can’t believe anything she says. It’s turning me into an angry, insecure person, who I don’t recognise. I’m 19 and she’s 18. We’ve been together for a year, since we started university. When we got together she was chatting to a guy from home. She said it was over - but she carried on messaging him behind my back. I found out when a text from him popped up on her phone. Since then, she’s done everything to make things right but I can’t forget what happened, and we keep rowing. I really want to trust her again, but don’t know how to.

Finding out someone you care about has lied is hard to get over. Trust takes time to rebuild. You feel vulnerable but you need to give your girlfriend a chance to prove herself. Talking about this to someone impartial, like a counsellor, could help My support packs on Jealousy and Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, will be useful for you both.

NO FAITH

I've lost all trust in my wife since she got blackout drunk at a birthday party

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30681311/lost-trust-wife-blackout-drunk-birthday-party/

I’VE lost all trust in my wife since she got blackout drunk at a friend’s birthday party. She keeps insisting that nothing happened, but how can she know for sure if she barely remembers it? I’m 43, she’s 40 and we’ve been married for ten years. Last week I was away on a business trip when she attended an old work friend’s birthday party. I knew from the text messages and phone calls that she’d had one too many, but it wasn’t until I saw a photo online of her getting cosy with another man that I realised how drunk she was. She tried to assure me that it was all innocent and that while he had hit on her, she’d politely turned him down. Yet when I asked her if she remembered the whole night, she admitted that she had gaps in her memory. So now I'm struggling to take her at her word. She’s never given me a reason not to trust her before, but I can’t shake this bad feeling in my gut.

We all get drunk and do silly things sometimes, but if she’s never shown any interest in cheating and insists nothing happened, you have no reason not to believe her. The bigger issue here is her safety, rather than fidelity. If you really care about her, think about how vulnerable she would have been. Through some clear communication and open conversation I’m sure you can get through this. I’m sending you my support pack Dealing With Jealousy to help.

DEAR DEIDRE

My wife is still punishing me for an affair I had two decades ago

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30656372/wife-still-punishing-for-affair-two-decades-ago/

OVER two decades ago, I had an affair, and my wife is punishing me still for it by withholding sex. We’ve been sexually incompatible for decades, but we’ve finally reached sexual stalemate. I’m 57 and she’s 54. We have two grown up children. My sex drive has always been much higher than hers and, early in our relationship, I’m ashamed to say I cheated with a female friend. When my wife found out, she was devastated. I begged for a second chance. I thought she’d forgiven me but, as she’s aged, her resentment has started to resurface. For the past five years, she has refused to have sex with me at all. Now she’s moved into the spare bedroom. She says she won’t be intimate again because she believes I’m cheating on her by talking to other women online. But I only do this because I’m so sexually frustrated - which is down to the fact she won’t sleep with me. It’s a vicious circle! It feels like she’s punishing me by withholding sex. I’ve tried talking to her about this, but we just argue and get nowhere. Divorce isn’t an option - I do still love her and don’t want to give up our otherwise good and comfortable life. Should I just accept sex is never going to happen with her again and try to find comfort elsewhere, in the hope she never finds out? I don’t want to be celibate and feel so miserable.

Years of unresolved resentments and differences have sadly driven a wedge between you and your wife, wrecking your sex life. Your distress is totally understandable. Sexual intimacy is an important part of a marriage. But your idea to try to find comfort elsewhere as a solution is unwise. It will compound your problems. Your wife never healed after your past affair and doesn’t trust you. Looking for sex with other women will only prove her right.Instead, you need to rebuild her trust and work on restoring intimacy together. Apologise for straying and explain why you were tempted. Stop talking to other women online and tell her how much you want to share a physical relationship with her because you love her. Couples counselling would be a very good idea for you both - a safe space for you to be honest. Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, tel: 020 7380 1975) and also read my support packs on Sex Therapy, Different Sex Drives and Cheating.

HEARTBREAK

My partner broke up with me by text two days after I threw him a surprise party

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30656371/partner-broke-up-by-text-after-surprise-party/

TWO days after I arranged a surprise 50th birthday for my partner, he suddenly and cruelly ended our relationship by text. I’m reeling. He refuses to give me an explanation, and not even his friends understand why he’s dumped me. I’m 42 and he’s 50. We’re both previously divorced and met online, four years ago. As far as I’m aware, we were really happy together. We were talking about the future, about buying a house together and even getting married. At his party, he seemed so grateful for what I’d done, and he told everyone how much he loved me. Then, just two days later, I got a text saying he was sorry, but our relationship wasn’t going to work. When I pressed him, he said his feelings had changed. Since then, I’ve tried to talk to him but he is ghosting me. His best friends told me they thought he’d made a big and very stupid mistake. I genuinely thought he was the one, and that we’d grow old together. I’m so shocked and hurt that I can’t sleep or eat, If he would only tell me why he changed his mind about me, I might at least be able to start getting over him. I can’t believe he suddenly just stopped loving me overnight.

Ending a relationship by text and then ghosting your ex is a cowardly and selfish way to behave. He’s denying you closure, and it’s not surprising that you feel shocked, confused and bereft. It’s possible his milestone birthday made him reassess his life, or that something else has happened. Maybe there were signs you didn’t notice, or he was hiding his true feelings. He might not understand himself. Whatever the reason, you may need to accept you’ll never know the truth and find another way through this pain. My support pack, Mending A Broken Heart, should help. Do talk to close friends or family, and consider counselling.

MONEY MARE

My mum’s obsession with Jamie Oliver got her scammed out of thousands of pounds

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30656369/mums-obsession-jamie-oliver-scammed-thousands/

MY mum’s obsession with Jamie Oliver led to her being scammed out of thousands of pounds by a man posing as the famous TV chef. She’s convinced herself she’s online dating the real celebrity, and I’m terrified she’s being conned out of even more money. I’m 46 and she’s 69. What started as a harmless crush has taken over her life. Jamie is all she talks about. She’s met a man on social media who says he’s Jamie Oliver, and uses his picture. They’re having a ‘secret’ relationship. She believes he’s in love with her and is going to marry her, and has sent him expensive gifts. My gut is 100% telling me this man isn’t genuine. The real Jamie is happily married and young enough to be her son! But she won’t listen, saying I’m jealous and don’t want her to be happy. I need to make her come to her senses so she doesn’t get her heart broken again. How can I do this without ruining our relationship?

Your mother sounds naive, lonely and vulnerable, which sadly makes her a prime target for scammers. Your concerns are valid. For more information about romance scams, see Action Fraud (actionfraud.police.uk). Try talking to her again, explaining you want her to be happy but are worried. Perhaps suggest you could talk to her boyfriend. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you talk to her effectively. If you can’t get through to her, it might be worth contacting her GP about your concerns.

NOT INTERESTED

I don’t see why I should have to play happy families with girlfriend's kids

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30731482/dont-like-girlfriends-kids/

WHILE I love my girlfriend, I don’t like her kids much and I don’t see why I should have to play happy families. My girlfriend claims I don’t make any effort with them, so I can’t be invested in our relationship. But I have a child of my own and don’t need or want more. I’m 36 and she’s 40. She has two children, aged 14 and 17, and I have a seven-year-old, who lives with his mum. We’ve been together for six months. As we both work, it can be hard to spend much time with each other. So when I do get to see her, I want to be with her and only her. But she says she and her boys come as a package, and if I don’t want to do stuff with them, then I can’t be serious about her. Part of the problem is that I don’t like her kids much. They are rude and argumentative, and one of her sons is extremely disrespectful towards her. I’ve told her she should not put up with this, and how to discipline him, but she doesn’t listen. She wants us to go on holiday together with her kids, and I’ve said no. Now she says I’m not committed. I would never ask her to choose between me and her children. I just want her to understand that I’m not interested in becoming their dad, especially when they behave so badly.

Your girlfriend and her kids come as a package, at least until they’re old enough to leave home. It’s not realistic to expect her to go on holiday without them. Rather than telling her how to discipline her son, which she probably sees as a criticism, ask her if she’s happy about his behaviour and tell her you hate to see her treated badly. Discuss with her ways she might be able to deal with it. Ultimately, if you want to be with her, you will have to compromise. Talk to her and discuss ways of having some alone time. My support pack about blended families could be useful for you both to read. You could also contact Family Lives for more advice (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222).

SOFT SPOT

I keep losing my erection during sex and it's making me miserable

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30713276/keep-losing-erection-sex-making-me-miserable/

LATELY, I keep losing my erection during sex and it’s making me - and my partner - miserable. I’m wondering if using Cialis will help me stay hard. I’m 42 and my partner is 39. We’ve been together for five years. Everything worked perfectly until last year, when I started going soft midway through our lovemaking. The first time it happened, I put it down to having had too much to drink. Then it began to happen every time, even when I was sober. And now, sometimes I can’t get an erection at all. I hate not being able to satisfy my partner. She keeps saying it’s OK, and she doesn’t mind, but I can tell she does. We’re both so frustrated. I worry about it so much that it’s making me not want to have sex at all in case it happens again. I’ve heard Cialis works and it’s my last hope. Should I buy some?

Having erection problems is distressing but very common in men as they age. Although you can now buy Cialis - which works by increasing blood flow to the penis - over the counter, it’s not a good idea to self-prescribe, as there may be an underlying - and treatable - medical cause. So it’s important you get checked out. The first time you experienced erectile dysfunction, may well have been a result of drinking too much alcohol, and then the second time perhaps you were worried about it happening again. It only takes a little self-doubt to creep in for erectile dysfunction to become an embedded issue. My support pack, Solving Erection Problems, has more information. Sometimes taking intercourse off the menu for a while can make erections return. Focus on giving each other pleasure.

DEAR DEIDRE

I've fallen out of love with my fiance and am having affair with my best friend

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30624374/affair-best-friend-engaged/

I AM engaged and my best friend is set to welcome a new baby. We should be happy with our lots but we are ­having an intense affair. My fiance is lovely. We live together and I love him but I have fallen out of love with him. I should end our relationship but doing so would hurt him and our two children so much. I am 36 and my fiance is 37. We have been together since our teens. We are great friends but I no longer want to be intimate with him. My best friend and I met four years ago through our sons’ football team, where we both volunteer. His girlfriend is expecting their first child in three months. One night we met down the pub to go through the season’s fixtures and on the way home, we ended up ­kissing passionately. Things got out of control very quickly. I am disgusted with myself and know there is no excuse. I have always self-sabotaged. I don’t like who I am and never have. My ­parents had a toxic, mentally abusive relationship. My mum told me I was the result of a one-night stand and I couldn’t know my real dad and that he would want nothing to do with me. I suffer from depression. My fiance is a good man but I don’t think he has ever understood me, no matter how hard I try to explain myself. My best friend, and now lover, has been my escape. I didn’t think I would fall in love with him. My mind is in overload. I want to be happy and be with my lover but we can’t just break it off with our current partners because we don’t want to cause that heartbreak. I feel like I’m going crazy. My head and my heart hurt so much.

An upbringing like yours was almost bound to leave you with an urge to self-sabotage. In relationships, self-sabotage is when you’re actively trying to ruin things with your partner, whether consciously or subconsciously. On some level you feel you don’t deserve happiness or love, even though you want them. You need to get help to deal with the damage your childhood has done to you. Then you can focus on your partner and start enjoying a stable, loving relationship which would be best for you and your children. Make an appointment with your GP and ask about counselling. My support pack on counselling explains how it works.

SPOILING THINGS

I'm in new relationship but I can’t climax during sex - I feel so guilty

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30624304/cant-climax-new-girlfriend/

DESPITE being in a wonderful new relationship, no matter what I do, I can’t climax during sex. The only time I can ever reach orgasm is when I pleasure myself. I’m a 53-year-old divorced man. I had previously been married for 20 years. I was single for a while after my divorce, then I met my new partner, who is 45, a year ago. I love her and I can manage to get and maintain an erection. But, regardless of what I try, I cannot climax when we make love. She is understanding, but I worry that it’s going to spoil things between us. I feel so guilty that she can’t satisfy me. She says she doesn’t mind, but I can’t help but think it’s getting her down.

There could be a number of reasons for this. Some men do lose their ability to climax as they get older. Or it could be the anxiety of sleeping with your girlfriend after a few years of being single and you want this relationship to work. Sex starts in your head, so the more you worry about this, the more likely it is to keep happening. Try to take the pressure off achieving orgasm for now and concentrate on kissing and caressing. With less focus on climaxing, over time you may find that it gets easier. My support pack, Man Who Can’t Climax, has some useful steps you can follow.

WANT HER BACK

How can I win my wife back after finding out she’s moved on with married man?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30624480/win-my-wife-back-married-man/

AFTER a few months apart, I realised I wanted my wife back, only to discover she has already moved on with a married man at work. I’m gutted. I am 39 and she is 34. We have been married for four years but over the last few months it felt like we were growing apart. Having decided I needed space, I moved out but always said that maybe with time we could grow even closer. I realised I wanted to try to sort things out but when I told my wife she admitted she had been ­having an affair with a guy at work who is 51. They had become friendly before I left but my wife maintains they grew closer and it became physical once I had moved out. He is married and has young children so their time together is limited. They are both into running, photography and cooking, things I just wasn’t into or was too stubborn to try. I haven’t had the chance to show my wife how I want to improve things. She claims she doesn’t know what she wants. How long do I wait for her? Or am I being a mug?

It does sound as though this other man has turned your wife’s head but there is a strong chance she will regret all this before the year is out. He’s married with a young family and it is unlikely he will leave them for her. Tell your wife you still love her but it’s unrealistic to think you will wait for ever for her to make up her mind. It could focus her thinking to set a deadline. Can you say you would be up for looking into how you two could inject more fun into life together? It sounds as if this is part of the problem. My support pack Looking After Your Relationship can help.

DEAR DEIDRE

My jealous ex won’t stop until she splits me and my younger girlfriend up

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30596553/jealous-ex-sex-new-girlfriend/

MY jealous ex won’t stop until she splits me and my younger girlfriend up. So far she has sent photos of both of us having sex, told her that I’d even been in contact professing my love for her and even warned her that I’d never be faithful. I don’t think she wants me back, this is simply about jealousy. She can’t bear to see me moving on with someone gorgeous and decent. Still I’m worried my girlfriend will get fed up with the aggravation and I hate having to deal with my ex’s nasty comments — it takes me right back to our toxic marriage. I was married to my ex-wife for five years. She’s 54 and she’s not a nice person. I’m a man of 57 and it was a tough marriage. She constantly accused me of cheating and belittled me in front of others. She took me for everything when we divorced. The one person who was there for me was a younger woman from work. She’s 48 and she works in our accounts department. She’d always sit with me for lunch, she listened to me and I began to look forward to seeing her every day. One lunchtime she was a bit teary because her boss had shouted at her. We went for a walk and it felt so natural to start kissing her. We started dating and I’ve never been so happy. We went on holiday in July and I posted some pictures of us on Facebook. Since then, my ex’s campaign has been in overdrive. She sent one image of me climaxing with a note to my girlfriend at work, saying “Relief is not having to see his ‘o’ face again.” My girlfriend thinks she is ridiculous but her constant putdowns are really getting to me and making me doubt myself.

You did well to get away from your ex’s nasty behaviour once, and you can do it again. The fact she seems hellbent on destroying your relationship shows just how insecure and troubled she is. Sending sexual images of you without consent is classed as Revenge Porn and is a criminal offence. For support please contact the Revenge Porn Helpline (revengepornhelpline.org.uk). I would also urge you to contact the National Stalking Helpline (suzylamplugh. org) for guidance on how to nip this unwanted contact in the bud. In the meantime, keep a note of the details of each unwanted contact.

SLEEPING ALONE

My boyfriend is hurt because I prefer sleeping on sofa as it's too hot

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30736178/boyfriend-hurt-sleeping-sofa/

MY boyfriend is getting annoyed with me because I sleep on the sofa most nights. I don’t do it because I don’t love him, it’s because I get way too hot at night. I’m also very fidgety. I don’t want to disturb him because he gets up very early for work and needs quality sleep. I’m 37 and my boyfriend’s 38. We’ve been living together for almost a year. I don’t know what the problem is. I love him and we have a great relationship. We regularly have sex. It is just for practical reasons, I prefer to sleep alone. I don’t understand why my boyfriend can’t accept it. It’s as if he thinks I’m not telling the truth. He’s started to become really surly around me and I’m starting to wonder if our relationship is worth this stress.

Sleeping on the sofa is not much fun for you either. Your email has made me wonder if you might have restless leg syndrome which can also affect your arms, torso and head. Having a fan in the bedroom or sleeping next to an open window can help. Bamboo or linen sheets are highly breathable too. And sleeping on your side allows more heat to escape from your body. Try avoiding alcohol and caffeine late at night and quitting smoking as these are all known to affect sleep quality. The charity Restless Leg Syndrome UK (rls-uk.org) can provide support.

I'M CLUELESS

I'm a single dad to teens & they are starting to be interested in opposite sex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30596619/dingle-dad-talk-sex-teen-kids/

MY kids are starting to be interested in the opposite sex and I’m ill-equipped to deal with it all. I’m a single dad of 38, to a 13-year-old girl and a 15-year-old boy. Their mum left us all when the children were five and seven, to go back to her home in South America. There is little communication with her. My son has recently brought home a girlfriend. She is the same age and seems nice enough. She says hello and then they go up to his room until her mother picks her up. I don’t even know how to begin a talk about the “birds and the bees”. Now my daughter has asked if she can bring a boy back after school. He is 14 and I know him from football training. I don’t know how I’ll react if they assume they can spend the evening in her bedroom. I’m rubbish at this sort of thing. Help!

No matter how awkward, you have to discuss this. It’s important to set some ground rules. If you’d prefer them to be in their bedrooms with the door open, then tell them so. Reassure them it’s healthy to start dating, but clarify they cannot have a sexual relationship under 16. My support pack called Under Age Sex explains why. It can feel less overwhelming for you both to talk while walking together or in the car – it’s less intense.

GONE COLD

Just when I sorted my erection problems my wife's libido is now low

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30736226/wife-libido-low-erection-problems/

AFTER a change in medication I feel like a man in my 20s again. In recent years I’ve suffered with erection problems due to diabetes but recently have been put on new tablets. They have given me a new lease of life and I no longer have to rely on Viagra. I thought my wife would be pleased because I can now be more spontaneous instead of waiting for the pills to take effect and work their magic. But I’m gutted that now I’ve sorted my issues, she has become peri-menopausal and her libido is low, to say the least. I am 52 and my wife is 46. We have been married for 20 years and have two grown-up children who have now left home. We used to have sex once or twice a week but now I’m lucky if I even get as much as a hug. She is rarely affectionate any more and when we go to bed she just wants to sleep. She won’t talk about it and avoids the subject. I love my wife but to be honest I don’t have the foggiest idea about what to do. How can we get back to the loving couple we once were?

It isn’t unusual for sex to become uncomfortable for women during the perimenopause and menopause. Vaginal dryness can often make penetration uncomfortable and painful so it’s no surprise that your wife’s libido has been impacted. However, many couples do have fulfilling and regular sex during this time. Talk to your wife again, explain how much you miss intimacy and tell her how you feel. Suggest she speaks to her GP. Try to slowly appreciate each other’s bodies and experiment with lubricants – both will make sex more comfortable. In the meantime, my support pack Menopause explains more.

DEAR DEIDRE

I know my husband is cheating on me again after seeing blood in his urine

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30591819/husband-cheating-blood-sti/

MY husband and I had two affairs each, and made a pact to sort out our differences – but now a nasty surprise has given his game away and I know he is cheating again. I’m 45, he’s 47, we have two teenage sons and have always been fiery. Before we got married I discovered he was two-timing me. Instead of confronting him, I decided I’d treat him with the same disrespect and started my own fling. When the truth came out, we realised we wanted to be together and things were great for a while so we got married. But over the years that intense attraction we felt towards each other dwindled to the point where I was feeling particularly unloved and unwanted. It was so easy to slip into a second affair. This time I left my husband as I was so fed up with his indifference. But I started to miss him so much that I moved back four months later. I was then devastated by rumour he was sleeping with a woman who was a regular at our local pub. When I confronted him, he admitted she had “kept him company” while I was gone and he’d found it hard breaking the habit. Amazingly, we both still wanted to keep battling for our marriage. But now I’ve seen blood in his urine and know he must have an STI and still be sleeping with her. I’ve demanded the truth but, after insisting he hasn’t even spoken to her, he’s refusing to talk to me. He won’t go to the GP or have sex with me, and I feel again that I’m being pushed away.

Until you break this cycle of turning to others when your relationship is on the down, you will remain stuck. Communication is key and that doesn’t only mean talking openly to one another, it also requires listening. Start by asking your husband how he is. Has he stopped talking because you’re not listening, and vice versa? He may be telling the truth. Some STI symptoms don’t develop for months or years and any blood in his urine could be caused by a urinary infection or another serious health issue. My support packs Cheating – Can You Get Over It? And Relationship MOT will help you both. And impress upon your husband how important it is he visits the doctor for treatment.

FUTURE FEARS

How can I guarantee daughter won't sell my house if I die before my partner?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30591905/daughter-sell-house-partner/

I WANT to make sure my partner can carry on living in my house if I die before her. But I worry that if I go first, my eldest daughter will want my partner to move out so she can sell up. My partner is not my daughter’s mother, who I divorced her 20 years ago. I am 71 and my partner is 73. We have been together for 15 years and at the moment we are in good health but I want to make sure she doesn’t have to worry about becoming homeless should something happen to me. I have gifted my youngest daughter half of my house because it is her only home. The other half, I have left to my eldest daughter in my will, as it is only fair. But my eldest owns her own home so she already has a place to live. She has a good job and isn’t short of money. Is there any way I can guarantee she won’t be able to sell until my partner dies?

She could have minimal rights to the home, should you die. There is no law that automatically benefits your partner unless you have the right type of will, which means you can pass your property to children but still ensure your partner has a roof over his head for the rest of their life. It is always best to seek legal advice from a qualified solicitor as this can become extremely complex very quickly.

BABY ULTIMATUM

I’m expecting baby number 6 but my partner is insisting I have a termination

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30596662/baby-ultimatum-pregnant-partner/

HAPPINESS is being at home with my family and now I’m expecting baby number six but my partner is insisting I have a termination. We have been together for 20 years and my oldest child is 13 and my youngest, two. This sixth baby was unplanned but I was happy. I love babies. I planned a lovely meal with my partner when the kids were all in bed or in their rooms. His reaction was far from what I expected. He said we were barely scraping by and demanded, “What on earth were you thinking? Another baby would never be a good idea”. He’s given me an ultimatum, him or the baby. I’m devastated. I’ve talked to his mum who I’m close to but she’s recommending I choose my partner to keep our family together. I love him to bits. I’m 39 and he’s 41. He’s a hard-working, family man and I can’t bear to think of life without him and bringing this child and our kids up alone. I’m a stay-at-home mum so I can’t help the family financially. I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation and having to make this painful decision but he mustn’t put the blame solely on you. The right decision for your family is not one that anybody else can make except for you and your partner. There’s no compromise to be had, except a lot of talking. You can’t wait too long but you can wait for the dust to settle then tell him you need to talk it all through again. Compile a list of pros and cons and see whether one list outweighs the other. If you can’t reach the same decision then you will need external help. The Pregnancy Advice charity (pregnancyadvice.org.uk, 01480 457 711) offers counselling and non-judgmental advice to help you decide where you go from here.

WANDERING EYE

Every time we go on holiday my husband ogles other women on the beach

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30681335/holiday-husband-ogles-other-women-beach/

EVERY time we go on holiday together, my husband can’t help himself from ogling other women in front of me on the beach. I’ve tried my hardest to ignore it but seeing the way he looks at their bodies has done a number on my self-esteem. I am 52, he’s 57 and we’ve been together for 22 years. We’ve always had a happy marriage but in recent years our sex life has died off and we’ve become disconnected. It wasn’t until we went to Greece last year that I noticed he’d developed a wandering eye. Watching the way he looked at these younger women made me feel so low. They were everything I wasn’t - skinny, youthful and toned. I’d managed to push it to the back of my mind until this summer when he was even more blatant - openly staring at any pretty or younger woman. He made me feel completely invisible. Now my confidence has hit an all-time low.

Your husband's behaviour is disrespectful and hurtful, so it’s no wonder that it’s starting to affect your confidence and self-esteem. You need to talk to him and tell him how this is making you feel. While it’s no excuse, it’s likely the disconnect between you contributing to his behaviour. It would be beneficial for you to discuss what you can both do to improve your relationship and in turn your sex life. My support pack Saving Your Sex Life will help you work it out.

THANK YOU

When my husband was pressuring me to have another baby, you helped me walk away

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30713269/husband-pressuring-have-baby-helped-walk-away/

WHEN my husband put me under pressure to have sex, because he wanted another baby, I felt it might be time to walk away from our marriage. I’d had a miscarriage, which he said was my fault because I didn’t want another child. I’m 34 and he’s 35. We have two young children aged 18 months and three. I wrote asking whether I should give in and get pregnant or if it was time to divorce? You said I was right to stick to my guns, at least until our relationship had improved, and told me to communicate this to my husband. You sent your support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, to help me get the message across constructively. And you agreed it was abusive to demand sex and blame me for the miscarriage. You recommended counselling. In addition, you suggested I see my GP for contraception, so I didn’t accidentally get pregnant. Although our relationship still isn’t perfect, we have been working on it and have started having couples counselling. We’ve put plans for another child on hold until we can resolve our differences. Thank you Deidre.

I’m glad things have improved. The counselling should help you decide whether you want to continue in the marriage.

DEAR DEIDRE

I told boyfriend I want to see him have sex with another woman - he's confused

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30573057/fantasy-boyfriend-sex-another-woman/

PLAYING around one bedtime, my boyfriend asked me if I’d consider an open relationship. But when I admitted my fantasy, he was appalled and is now sulky. We’ve been together for three years and have never been adventurous in bed, although I’ve secretly wanted to be. So when he asked about non-monogamy, I was excited and hoped this would be an opportunity to start exploring our sexual relationship. I really fancy him but he has convinced himself my sexual dream must mean I’m gay. We are both in our early thirties and in his mind opening up our relationship meant we could go off and have sex with other people, with each other’s blessing. He was clearly taken aback when I revealed I’d like to watch him having sex with another woman. The thought of watching him undress and get intimate with a curvy, confident woman really turns me on. In my fantasy it’s all about them — watching them move together — and afterwards my boyfriend and I have sex together alone while talking about his session with this other woman. But in his head, I’m introducing him to the idea that I only like women. He is convinced this is only the start and soon enough he’ll get edged out. I’m not even sure if I’d want to make this fantasy a reality but he is convinced I’m going to leave him for another woman. He’s a great guy but I am getting fed up with him. He won’t listen to what I’m saying.

Your boyfriend sounds insecure and his reaction is making me wonder if perhaps a former relationship, or another key relationship in his life, broke down around issues of sexuality. If you want to make your relationship work, the only way is through communication. Keep talking, and reassuring him. Ask him to think about why your fantasy is making him feel so threatened. But you also need to set some boundaries because everyone has their limits. Tell him there will come a point where he needs to decide if he can move on and trust you. Otherwise you will get to a point where you would be better off going your separate ways. On the surface, your issue is about sex, but the deeper issues here are trust and communication. I’m sending you my support pack Relationship MOT to help you work on this together.

I WANT TO HELP

My close pal is struggling with his mental health and he is shutting me out

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30573049/close-pal-struggling-mental-health/

A CLOSE pal is really struggling with his mental health and, although we are good mates, I know he is shutting me out. We have worked together for nearly ten years at the same engineering firm. He has always seemed like the life and soul of the party but as I have got to know him better I’ve started to see how stressed he gets, especially before a big meeting. He has admitted to me he gets stressed but when I’ve asked him to talk to me, he says he just needs to get on with it. How can I get him to open up?

It’s very good that you are encouraging him to talk to you. While this may seem simple to most of us, for some this is a huge and alien challenge. Reassure him that whatever is going on in his head will start to lighten if he can talk to someone. If he isn’t comfortable opening up to you, advise him to contact Mind, the mental health charity, (mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393).

AT A LOSS

Am I disrespecting my late husband if I take off my wedding ring?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30764404/disrespecting-late-husband-take-off-wedding-ring/

AM I disrespecting my late husband if I take off my wedding ring? He passed away six years ago but this feels like such a big step. I still have a busy life, my children are brilliant and call me most days. I’ve got a dog and I have met another dog-walker - a man who is 55. I’m 53. We walk along and we chat. He’s a divorcee. When he asked if I had anyone, I just said, “No”. There’s a real connection. We like the same music, books and cooking. We watch the same sort of TV shows. My dog pulls on her lead so I wear gloves, whatever the weather so he’s never seen my hands. He has asked me out and I really want to go but I’m not sure whether to remove my wedding ring because I’ve not told him my situation. Should I remove it for our date? I’m also worried about what the kids will say.

It’s not disrespectful to take off your ring but if it feels better for you, swap it to your left hand.There won’t be a day that goes by when you don’t think about your husband. If you’re ready to move on and find somebody else whether it is six months or six weeks after losing a loved one, that is your business and nobody else’s. Your children are supportive so I imagine they’d prefer to think of you having a new friend or even in a relationship, than thinking about you being lonely. You’ve got a lot of time ahead of you so enjoy it.

SIBLING STRESS

My fiancé’s toxic sister won't let him speak to their long-lost sibling

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30656368/fiances-toxic-sister-controlling-long-lost-sibling/

MY fiancé’s toxic sister is so controlling that she won’t let him speak to their newfound adopted sibling. She found their long-lost older sister on Facebook, but is keeping her all to herself - even though my fiancé is desperate to meet her. I’m 28 and my fiancé is 32. His sister is 34. When she told my fiancé she’d tracked down the baby their mum gave away as a teenager, he was so excited. But his sister - who has always been spoiled and mean - said she was the only one allowed to talk to her. She says she wants to build a relationship first. It’s not the first time she’s done something like this. Once, my fiancé was staying with her for a few months when they had an argument. She kicked him out on the street, even though he had nowhere else to go. She’s so selfish. I wish he’d break off contact but he doesn’t want to. He’s very upset. How can I help him?

You love your fiancé and are understandably frustrated by his sister’s cruel behaviour. But other people’s family dynamics are complex, and it’s best not to get between them. Instead, make it clear you’re there for him so he can talk to you. There’s nothing to stop him contacting his newfound sibling, but he clearly doesn’t want to cause a row. It might be helpful for him to contact Family Action (family-action.org.uk, 0808 802 6666), who offer advice and support on family issues.

PORN TEMPTATION

I'm want to become adult performer but worry my family will find out

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30592052/adult-performer-sex-club-family/

AFTER my wife died last year, I started visiting a local sex club and now I’m tempted to become an adult performer. I am 57 and consider myself fairly experienced, yet I had never attended one of these gatherings. My wife and I had a great sex life and were so happy together, so when I learned about these meet-ups, I was intrigued. The first time I went, I was pretty anxious – but the other party-goers made an effort to put me at ease. No one pressured me to do anything out of my comfort zone and I soon found myself relaxed enough to meet and enjoy a number of new partners. Now I’m a regular and would count some of the others as pals. One of my new friends from the club suggested I audition for this niche porn company. He said they specialised in mature men like me and thought I’d be really good. I must admit, I’m tempted to perform and get paid for it. I really want to give this a go, but I am worried about family and friends finding out. They would be horrified. They see me as a grieving widower, not someone who visits sex clubs.

I’m sorry to hear about the death of your wife. While no one will ever replace her, making new friends might help you feel less alone. The porn industry can be exploitative and, as a grieving man, you are vulnerable, so I would not recommend this. Also, you won’t be able to control who sees this content – family and friends might stumble upon it. Check out meetup.com, which shows events and clubs in your local area. Rest Less (restless.co.uk) is also a great way to connect with other people over 50. My support packs Feeling Lonely and Coping With Bereavement may be of use, too.

AT A LOSS

Since my dad was killed in a hit and run, my life hasn't been worth living

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30560074/dad-killed-hit-run-life-not-worth-living/

SINCE my dad was killed in a hit and run while I was on the phone to him, I’ve been feeling suicidal. We were very close and I miss him so much. I feel like nobody understands, including my girlfriend, but I have nobody else to talk to. He and my mum divorced when I was small and she didn’t have a good word to say about him. I’m 24 and my girlfriend is 23. My dad was 50 when he died, two months ago. When the accident happened, he was in the street outside a pub, and had called me to see how I was. I heard it all. The driver who hit him didn’t stop and hasn’t been traced yet, as it was a stolen car. I can’t cope. I’m not sleeping, have no appetite and feel there’s no point going on. Sometimes I have flashbacks to the accident. I can’t stop thinking about how sudden and shocking it was. Please help.

You’ve experienced not only a terrible loss but a shocking and horrible trauma, so it’s not surprising you’re finding it hard to cope. My support pack on Bereavement will help you to navigate your grief and also contains sources of help. Check out Sue Ryder for free counselling (sueryder.org) because talking to someone is really important. Your girlfriend may not understand exactly what you’ve been through, but if she loves you she will want to help. Try not to shut her out. For help with your trauma - you may have PTSD - contact Assist Trauma Care (assisttraumacare.org.uk, tel: 01788 551919). And if you ever feel suicidal, do contact the Samaritans (www.samaritans.org, tel: 116 123) or text SHOUT to 85258.

CARRYING ON

My boyfriend said he was golfing - I tracked him down to a singles hotel

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30792698/boyfriend-said-golfing-tracked-spanish-singles-hotel/

I RAN into a guy in town who my boyfriend was supposed to be away with on a golf holiday. We’ve been together for two years but our sex life has stopped. He says he can’t have sex with me. He was apparently advised by his doctor not to do it anymore because it was affecting his hernia. He’s 52 and I’m female and 38. I feel sexually frustrated. Also I was thinking I’d like to start a family but with no sex, it’s not happening. He’s a keen golfer and is always going away on ”golfing breaks” but when I saw his mate, I tracked my boyfriend down on the location services app on my phone to a hotel in Marbella which I found out was for single people. I’ve since checked his laptop and because I know his passwords, I’ve found out he’s also on dating sites. I feel so betrayed.

I’m sorry. You deserve better from him. When he returns, confront him about the evidence you found after running into his friend. It’s time for an honest conversation. If he’s not being truthful about the doctor’s instructions and he is having sex elsewhere, then this isn’t the relationship you thought it was. A hernia can cause some issues with sex but he should be able to get this treated. You want a family but he’s stopping you from fulfilling that dream. From what you have written he’s not invested in your relationship and it’s time to walk away.

SETTLE DOWN

I want to move in with my partner but he still lives with his mum at 40

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30596590/move-in-partner-lives-with-mum/

I WANT to move in with my partner but he is reluctant to find a place together because he’s always lived with his mum. He’s 40. I’m 37 and I live with my mum, too. We met at church and went on an outing together and were inseparable. We started dating and it was wonderful to be with someone so special. We started to have a sexual relationship and, to me, it seemed only natural that we would move in together. My mother is very needy and seems reluctant to do anything for herself and yet she’s only 58 and in good health. I’m even more keen to leave because of her. My partner’s attitude is that we should be having fun and planning holidays rather than worrying about the future. He also says he likes his own space. I’d like us to be together so I want us to save for a deposit.

He’s set in his ways and can’t see a time when he will cut those apron strings. But you’ve grown out of a dating relationship. You’re looking to settle down and perhaps start a family of your own. Tell him you need a compromise or this relation-ship isn’t going to work. Suggest renting a place short term to give you both a chance to see what life would be like living together. If he refuses to do even that, he’s not right for you.

DEAR DEIDRE

My husband took a sickie from work to go have sex with his bit on the side

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30792703/husband-took-sickie-work-sex-bit-on-side/

MY husband took a sickie so he could have sordid sex on his fancy woman’s birthday, so I chucked him out. We’ve been married for 10 years and we have two kids and I knew he’d been having an affair for the past 18 months. He swore to me it was over so discovering he’d sneaked off on her birthday was the last straw. She’s one of the parents from the school where he teaches. She’s 41 and divorced. I know her. She swans around in her sports car done up to the nines. My husband is 45 and I’m 43. I first found out he was seeing her when I found condoms in his car. We don’t use them so he couldn’t deny cheating when I confronted him. He said he would end it but he was still very guarded with his phone. He went to school one morning wearing jeans so I got suspicious and stalked the woman on Facebook and there was the evidence - her birthday - he wasn’t sick at all. When he returned later that evening I didn’t even give him the chance to put the key in the door before I kicked him out. He’s a great dad though and has the kids at weekends and sees them in the week. I’ve started online dating and I’ve met somebody who I’ve been seeing for four months. He’s 39 and is lovely. He treats me right. My daughter told her dad I was dating and suddenly, he’s been in touch saying he wants to come home. He says he’s missed us and wants us to be a family again. I still love him and I’d like that but I’m not sure whether I could trust him.

Does he really want to be back home again or is this jealousy on his part? Don’t do anything quickly. You’re in the driving seat now. He’s got a lot to prove that he is feeling sincere and that his ex is no longer part of his life. My support pack called Torn Between Two Men may help you to decide if you do want him back. Whatever you do, don't rush into welcoming him back. If you decide you do want to try again, then a counsellor can help you to move forward because your relationship is going to look a whole lot different this time around. Contact Tavistock Relationships for support (www.tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975).

WORK CRUSH

Even though she’s married, I've fallen head over heels for my female boss

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30532074/shes-married-fallen-for-female-boss/

EVEN though she’s married, I can’t get my female boss out of my head. I’m 35, she’s 32 and we both recently started work for a HR department. We get on well and after discovering that we lived close to each other decided to start car sharing to save petrol. Our journey’s in together quickly became the highlight of my week and while I tried my hardest to ignore it, I started to feel an unwavering connection between us. Stuck in traffic, we’d play music quizzes and talked about subjects even my best friends weren’t privy to. My feelings for her grew and I found it increasingly difficult to keep them in check . It didn't help that she wasn't shy about divulging her marital issues and complaining about her husband. She often told me how trapped she felt. Then one night when we were out for work’s do, I’d had a few to drink and my emotions came spilling out of my mouth. To my joy, she admitted she was absolutely besotted with me. But the very next day she said her husband was giving her lift and she’s been distant with me ever since. Now she’s avoids me and I can’t help but worry I’ve messed it all up.

Unfortunately this woman has made clear how she feels. While she may have told you she liked you, she clearly came to her senses. She doesn’t want to jeopardise her marriage. She’s likely keeping her distance from you out of respect for her marriage. As hard as it may be to accept, the person for you will be open and available, so it’s best you try to move on. Remember that while she isn’t the one for you, there will be someone out there who can give you the love you deserve. I’m sending you my support pack Finding The Love Of Your Life to help.

THANK YOU

When my ex couldn't make his mind up about me, you helped me make the break

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30560070/ex-couldnt-make-his-mind-up-helped-break/

MY ex was like Jekyll and Hyde - he’d be all over me one day, then disappear and ghost me for the next three. It made me so unhappy and insecure that after months of this, I ended the relationship. But even after we’d split, I felt so confused and needed answers. That’s why I wrote to you. I'm 23 and he’s 25. We were together for a year. After I broke up with him, he blocked me instantly. That really hurt as I didn’t get the closure I needed. You told me I’d done the right thing by ending the relationship, as I had no future with him. But you said I might never get closure. It was possible he had someone else, or he was simply unstable. You advised me to talk to a counsellor and read your support pack, Mend Your Broken Heart. A few months on, I am so much happier and realise how having him in my life was affecting my own mental health. I now feel much more together, stronger and calmer. Thank you Deidre.

Sometimes, it’s hard to see how unhealthy a relationship is until you’re out of it. I’m glad you’ve realised this man was bad news, and are yourself again.

UNLUCKY IN LOVE

Being quirky and different is stopping me from finding a girlfriend

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30560079/quirky-different-stopping-from-finding-girlfriend/

BEING quirky and different is stopping me from finding a girlfriend. Unlike other guys my age, I have a unique sense of style and, unusually, I enjoy listening to jazz, not pop or rap. I’m 18 and have zero luck with women. I’ve tried chatting up girls in pubs and clubs, asking out mates at college, and even online dating, but I always get knocked back or ignored. It’s making me feel so unattractive and rejected. I did have a girlfriend when I was at school, but she cheated on me and then dumped me. People tell me I’m a nice guy, and I’m kind and funny. So why can’t I find a girl who appreciates me? Am I ugly?

Being quirky and having your own interests make you an individual, and the right girl will appreciate that. I’m certain you’re not ugly. And you’ve had a girlfriend before, so clearly women find you attractive. Perhaps when you chat women up you’re coming across as too keen, which can be off-putting. Read my support pack, Finding The Right Partner for you, for useful tips.

HARD TASK

Blood pressure tablets have made it impossible for me to climax

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30532082/blood-pressure-tablets-impossible-to-climax/

SINCE I started taking tablets for my high blood pressure, it’s been impossible for me to ejaculate during sex. While I’ve done my best to reassure my wife it has nothing to do with her, I can tell it’s getting her down. I’m 62, my wife is 58 and we’ve been married for twenty-five years. We’ve always had a really good sexual relationship, but over the past few months, whenever we have had sex I’ve been unable to climax, no matter how long we’ve tried for. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure six months ago and while my doctor did warn me that this may be a side effect, I never expected it to impact my sex life as much as it has. My wife has tried to be understanding but it’s really starting to take a toll on our relationship. Even my sex drive has dropped off because I get so worried about getting intimate and disappointing her again. How can I fix this?

While blood pressure medicines can make it more difficult, try to remember that good sex is about far more than reaching a climax. Instead of getting caught up focusing on the end goal, instead, enjoy and savour the whole experience and try to find pleasure in the intimacy you’re sharing along the way. You may even find taking the focus and pressure away will make it easier. My support pack, Find It Hard To Climax, can help. Also, consider talking to your GP - they may be able to change your medication.

SIBLING STRESS

Why does my mum treat me and my sister so differently?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30560076/why-mum-treat-me-sister-so-differently/

WHY does my mum treat me and my sister so differently? She dotes on my useless sister, while I get nothing - no affection, no financial help, no support. It feels like she hates me, and I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. I’m 32 and my sister is 29. Our mother is 60. Throughout our childhood, my mother belittled me, telling me I was stupid and would never amount to anything. She bought my sister lovely gifts, gave her money and endless praise. Meanwhile, I got nothing. She didn’t encourage me at school and said I wasn’t capable of going to university - unlike my ‘super-brainy’ sister. Eventually, I put myself through uni as a mature student, while working, and received a first. My mother didn’t even come to my graduation. As for my sister, she partied her way through her degree - spending our mother’s money - and ended up with a lower second. I now have a really good job, and a lovely partner and home, but my mother still treats me like a failure. We’re getting married soon, and she hasn’t offered a penny. Yet she paid for my sister’s extravagant wedding. It’s not about the money. It feels like she doesn’t love me, and never has. I’m so sick of trying to win her affection that I am beginning to hate her. Sometimes, I imagine her dying, and I’m not sure I’d feel anything. Should I cut ties with her?

Your mother has treated you cruelly and unfairly.It’s possible she resents you for a specific reason - perhaps something in her past - but it’s not your fault, and doesn’t excuse her behaviour. You could ask her to explain herself, however it’s possible she can’t, or won’t recognise her own failings. A relative might be able to shed some light. Remember, you have made a good life for yourself in spite of your mother. Sadly, it’s unlikely she will change now. Cutting off contact might be for the best. It will free you from repeated hurt and rejection. You may also find it helpful to read Difficult Mothers by T E Apter and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters by Karen Anderson.Contact Standalone (standalone.org.uk), a support organisation for people estranged from a family member.

DEAR DEIDRE

I love my older girlfriend but our 20-year age gap is causing us issues

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30510345/love-older-girlfriend-age-gap-causing-issues/

PEOPLE say my girlfriend is a cougar because she’s over 20 years older than me, but I’m proud to be with her. However, she’s embarrassed - she won’t introduce me to her friends or family, and we always stay at my home. How can I convince her that I genuinely love her and want a future with her? I’m a 27-year-old guy, and she is 49. We’ve been together for three years. For me, the fact she’s a mature woman is only a positive. She’s beautiful, confident, independent and fantastic in bed. She’s experienced, so knows exactly what she likes and how to please me. At first, my mates thought it was all a big joke, calling me her toy boy. Some of them still don’t understand why I’m with her, not a girl my own age. But the close ones have realised it isn’t just about sex, and now they totally accept her. As for her friends, I have no idea what they think, because she won’t let me meet them. We spend several nights of the week and every weekend together, but always at my flat. It’s starting to get me down. I’m not bad looking, have a good job and my own home. I can’t understand why she’s ashamed of me. We have a lot of interests in common, and she’s never made me feel she thinks I’m immature. I’ve told her how happy she makes me and that one day I’d like to marry her. But that can’t happen if she is keeping me a secret. As far as I’m concerned, age is just a number. Why can’t I make her believe that too?

Society can be judgemental about relationships with large age gaps. But many couples do have happy, lasting relationships, despite their age difference. Perhaps your girlfriend feels she will be judged harshly, or her friends won’t have anything in common with you. She may be concerned about the future - for example, if you want children, which she won’t be able to give you. Or she may also not truly believe you’re in it for the long haul. Alternatively, perhaps she isn’t, which is why she’s keeping you to herself. You need to talk to her openly about your worries. Tell her how you feel and ask her to be honest. My support packs on Age Gaps and With A Younger Man? will help you think about the issues you’re facing.

NOT CLEAN

I'm doubting future with boyfriend as his cocaine habit has become so destructive

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30591973/doubting-future-boyfriend-cocaine-habit/

OVER the past few years my boyfriend’s cocaine habit has become so destructive that I am having major doubts about our future together. He says it isn’t an addiction, even though he is spending over £150 per week on the drug. I am worried he won’t change. We are both 33 and have known one another since we were teenagers. We got engaged recently and have been living with my mum for a few years so we can save for a deposit. Our first home is all going through. At first, he hid his problem well, but once I spotted his mood swings – sneaking off to the toilet and the way he burns through cash – it became obvious. He is having therapy but I am not convinced he is committed to getting clean. I have taken over his finances but now he tells me he owes money to a drug dealer. I’ve done everything I can to help him. Do I give up and move on with my life?

If you love him you may well be in for a difficult time. He’s an addict and has been for years. That doesn’t mean he can’t change, but it will take effort. Set a time limit on this relationship, or you could waste years hoping. If the drugs mean more to him than your relationship, it may be best to walk away. My support pack Drug Worries gives sources of help.

MAKE OVER

Husband accuses me of dressing up for the school dads

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30532072/husband-accuses-dressing-up-for-school-dads/

AFTER years of feeling down about my appearance, I finally decided to make some changes to help my self-confidence. Yet instead of being happy for me, my husband has accused me of tarting myself up for the men at the school gates. I’m 38, my husband is 40 and we’ve been married for ten years. We have two sons together, one is four and the other is six. Running around after two young toddlers made it hard to focus on anything, especially my appearance. So after years of disliking my reflection, I finally decided to make a change. I joined the gym, bought some new clothes, and started putting a bit more time into my hair and makeup. I thought my husband would be pleased, but instead, he accused me of trying to get the attention of the dad’s at the school drop-off. Whether he’s asking who I’m trying to impress or telling me I look like a tart, every morning he makes some kind of remark. I’ve told him countless times this is for me but he just doesn’t get it. It’s really getting me down.

Your husband's comments are disrespectful and instead of being supportive, he’s trying to tear you down. You need to find a calm and quiet moment to sit down and tell how he’s making you feel. Explain to him why you’re making these changes and make it clear that he can’t talk to you this way. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help.

FOOD FEARS

I'm hiding my eating disorder and rapid weight loss from my boyfriend

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30510344/hiding-eating-disorder-rapid-weight-loss-from-boyfriend/

MY boyfriend says I’ve become a different person since I started losing weight. But what he doesn’t know is that I fear I’ve developed an eating disorder. I’m 24 and he’s 26. We’ve been together for two years. When I first started losing weight, it was intentional because I was a bit overweight. But now I can’t stop dieting. I restrict my food and have trained myself to only eat one tiny meal a day. I also weigh myself several times a day, and exercise whenever I can to burn off the calories. Lately, I’ve noticed I feel cold all the time, have no energy and no interest in socialising - especially as it usually involves eating and drinking. I’ve been hiding my weight loss under baggy clothes and never letting my boyfriend see me naked. He’s bound to realise soon, and I know he’ll be worried and try to make me stop - but I don’t want to. Although I know this isn’t good for me, I’m not ready to stop. I keep telling myself that I can lose just a few more pounds, then I’ll start eating normally again. But I’m starting to worry I’m not in control anymore, and I’m scared.

It does sound like you have all the signs of an eating disorder, which could be anorexia, so it’s brave of you to ask for help before you make yourself seriously ill. It’s almost impossible to deal with this alone. You need professional help. Please reach out to Beat (beateatingdisorders.org.uk) who can help you, and won’t judge you. Also read my support pack about Eating Disorders which has more information. Do try talking to your boyfriend honestly if you can, and tell him you need his support while you get help with this.

SO LOW

My husband has sunk into a deep depression since we separated

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30510347/husband-sunk-deep-depression-since-separated/

SINCE my husband and I separated, he has sunk into a deep depression. All I want is for him to come home to me and our children, but I don’t know how to help him. I’m 42 and he’s 44. We’ve been married for 10 years. We were having some problems and, last year, had a huge row which culminated in a joint decision to split. He moved out into a bedsit. I realised I wanted to try again with our marriage and told him. He says he still loves me and doesn’t want a divorce but he doesn’t feel ready to come home. Since he left, he’s gone rapidly downhill mentally. He used to see the children at home once a week, but has stopped. I can’t send them there because his place is too small and dirty. He isn't eating properly, and is so withdrawn and miserable - a shadow of himself. I’m worried about the effect on our kids. My daughter, seven, just wants her daddy back.

I know you want your husband back home, but it doesn’t sound like he’s in the right frame of mind for this to happen at the moment. He needs to get his depression diagnosed and treated, so it’s important that he sees his GP. My support pack on Depression has lots of useful advice and information. Make it clear you’re there for him because you care, but don’t put any pressure on him. Explain to your children that their dad isn’t well but still loves them.

DEAR DEIDRE

Quickies in the staff room with my boss have got me nowhere

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30487770/quickies-staff-room-boss-got-me-nowhere/

RISKING my reputation with quickies in the storeroom, staff car park and staff room has completely backfired now my boss has dumped me by text. And I’m furious. I’m a supermarket worker who’s been having a fling with one of my managers for three years. At 41 he’s six years older than me but is so fit you’d never know. He’s married but that didn’t stop him flirting with me when he gave me the Employee Of The Month award. I got the award because I helped a customer who was having a terrible panic attack. The man thought he was having a heart attack and I managed to calm him down until paramedics arrived. The man was terrified so I was given a special award by the company. A couple of days later my boss asked me out for a drink and we ended up kissing in his car. I wanted more but thought it was probably a one-off. How wrong I was. Soon after, he sent me a text asking me to stay behind after the shop closed. That night we had sex in his office. That was the start of a crazy affair. He said he didn’t get along with his wife, saying, “I wish I’d met you years ago.” The sex was regular and incredible. We admitted we loved one another. Then last week he didn’t come into work. He wasn’t answering my messages, then my colleague told me he was on holiday - with his wife. He hadn’t said a word about any holiday. He eventually messaged me saying he was having a breakdown, he was committing to his wife and our affair was over. I’ve called in sick. I can’t face work. I’m heartbroken and I feel like such a fool.

You went into this with your eyes wide open. There may have been cracks in his marriage but sometimes, people manipulate a situation for their own ends. He made you feel as if you were the best person in the world but now he’s shown his true colours. He’s not been honest. He was getting closer to being rumbled so he’s ended your relationship. To find love and happiness you’d be better off finding someone who is available. My support pack Your Lover Not Free explains more about how we can get duped and what the outcome may be. It would be good if you could walk back into work with your head held high. He’s simply not worth you moping around over. My support pack called Mend Your Broken Heart will show you how.

PARENTING PROBLEMS

My daughter is struggling to cope since my girlfriend ghosted me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30487769/daughter-struggling-cope-since-girlfriend-ghosted-me/

MY girlfriend ghosted me and now I’m dealing with the collateral damage from my daughter, who doesn’t understand why we are back to spending our weekends alone. I’m a guy of 39 who works from home. My daughter is six and she’s the light of my life. She struggles with learning difficulties and she’s a bit full-on, but she’s a bundle of fun. Last year, I met a wonderful 36 year-old woman who has a son at my daughter’s school. He’s five and he has ADHD. We started dating and having sex. I couldn’t have been happier. I’m widowed so it was lovely for my little girl to have a mother figure around. Weekends were trips to the seaside or picnics in the park. It was great. My girlfriend then stopped replying to my texts. It went on for a few days and when I confronted her at the school gate she got very upset. I eventually got her to open up and apparently she’s struggling with a gambling problem and couldn’t cope with a relationship. I told her she should have talked to me but she insisted we were over. She’s blocked my number now and avoids me. I’m so upset and my daughter thinks she’s caused the issue.

Your ex’s behaviour was harsh but it also suggests that she feels incredibly ashamed and isn’t in a place to open up properly or maintain a romantic relationship. I’m afraid she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to continue the relationship and for all your sakes you would be better off accepting her wishes. There are plenty of resources and support for people with gambling and if she does start to talk to you again perhaps you might feel comfortable directing her towards them. My support pack for gambling has plenty of information. Gingerbread (gingerbread.org.uk, 0808 802 0925) for single parents will help you meet other single parents.

LIVING IN FEAR

My mum is terrified of my sister who is making her life hell

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30736043/mum-terrified-of-sister-hell/

MY sister only speaks to our mum to criticise her. She makes life hell for both of us. I’m a 22-year-old single man. My sister’s 24. We both live at home. I plan to move out as soon as I can but then my mum would have nobody to stand up for her. My mum is a lovely person and deserves better. She is 54. She raised us alone after our dad divorced her 14 years ago. We didn’t have much money but we still had a good childhood. We didn’t go out much but my mum is a great cook and keeps the house clean as well as working part-time. My sister is so angry. She doesn’t help our mum with any chores. I do my bit but mum still does all my sister’s washing and always cooks her dinner. I know mum dreads my sister coming home every day after work. I think she is terrified of her.

In a calm moment can you talk to your sister and explain the effect her behaviour is having on you and your mum. Your mum deserves to live in peace in her own home. The more she does for your sister, the more she will abuse her. This is not an excuse, but your sister’s anger may stem from when your parents divorced, especially if she has a troubled relationship with your dad. Your mum can contact PEGS for Child to Parent Abuse (pegsupport.co.uk).

DEAR DEIDRE

I feel humiliated after my husband's affair - everybody in our village knows

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30445045/humiliated-after-my-husbands-affair/

MY whole village is laughing at me after my husband’s indiscreet affair. This other woman works in the local convenience store, her kids go to the same school as mine and she brings her cat into the vets where I work. There is no escape from her — it’s so painful. There are reminders of his infidelity at every corner and I’m furious that he would do this so close to home — the selfish idiot. I am 41 and my husband is 43. We have been together for 15 years and have two boys at primary school. I thought we were happy together. But one day when I dropped a friend off after yoga, I spotted my husband’s car at a house down a remote lane. I pulled in to watch and soon enough he came out, kissed this half-dressed woman at the door and then got in his car. She is 38 and divorced with a daughter aged eight. She has a terrible reputation and is openly predatory with any man. My husband denied everything but when I told him what I had seen he admitted he’d been seeing her for three months. I asked him to leave but he refused, saying he was sorry and that I should ignore her. Neighbours now give me knowing looks and other school mums sympathetic ones. They obviously all know what has been going on. I want to move and get away from this situation. We are still together but I can’t stand to be near him. I feel trapped.

You have every right to feel upset. He is trying to dismiss your feelings in the hope that you and he can move on and forget what happened but if he isn’t prepared to acknowledge the damage he has done, you will never be able to rebuild the trust between you. He has to try to make it up to you and face up to his actions. If he can’t do that your relationship may be over. Take your time and don’t make rash decisions about moving. An affair doesn’t have to mean the end of a marriage. But your husband has given you every reason to feel insecure in your relationship and unless he is prepared to rebuild the trust, going your separate ways may be the best answer. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help, as can Tavistock Relationships (0207 380 1960 tavistockrelationships.org).

KEPT IN RESERVE

I have been waiting six years for married lover to leave her husband

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30445050/waiting-six-years-married-lover-leave-husband/

DAYS drift by between contact with the woman I love, leaving me feeling incredibly lonely. I met her on a dating app and while she has repeatedly promised that she is leaving her husband, it never happens. I am a 42-year-old single guy. This woman told me she was married very early on in our conversations, which I took as a good sign. But the years have rolled by. We’ve been on and off since 2018. Most of our relationship has been online as we live a long distance apart. But we have met in person a few times. She is 41 and I’ve waited patiently for her in the hope that we can be together. We are hugely suited – emotionally, romantically and in every other way. I love her and she tells me she loves me too but I’m exhausted. We communicate mainly by text because calls are difficult when she is with her husband. This is a great source of pain for me as it can be days between our calls, which leaves me feeling unloved and unwanted. Despite our situation, I really love her. I can’t help but think if we continue as we are, with nothing changing, the future looks very much like the present. Am I being a fool?

Six years is a long time to wait in reserve. You’ve let her into your life with no guarantee or reassurance that she is going to leave her husband for you. I can’t tell you if she’s being honest, or about the state of her marriage. Only she knows the truth. You need to tell her how you’re feeling and ask whether she genuinely intends to leave her husband. Say that until she does, you are going to put your relationship on hold so she can sort out her marriage one way or another. My support pack Your Lover Not Free explains more about being in this type of relationship.

DEAR DEIDRE

My husband is convinced I’m cheating and I’m even starting to question myself

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30532079/husband-convinced-cheating-starting-question-myself/

EVER since I moved away temporarily for work I’ve grown close to a male colleague but our friendship is driving my husband mad with jealousy. He’s convinced that there’s something more between us and while I’ve done my best to deny it, I’m starting to question if he’s right. I’m 43, my husband is 45 and we’ve been married for seventeen years. We share two teenage daughters together. I work in sustainability consulting and a couple of months ago I was offered a secondment with a reputable company in the north. After a few long chats with my husband, we decided I should take it. I would only be away for nine months and could still travel home every other week. Initially, I found it really hard but then a lovely colleague sat with me at lunch. He worked in the same department and we hit it off instantly. After that, he invited me for a drink after work and it’s safe to say that we’ve been firm friends ever since. We both love the theatre and have been to see quite a few shows on standby together. I absolutely love my fun nights out with him. He's made being away from home a lot easier. My husband on the other hand is behaving like a petulant child. Every time I speak to him he snipes about my friend. No matter how many times I’ve tried to reassure him it’s platonic, he keeps insisting there’s something fishy going on. Now when I go home there’s a disconnect between us and I can tell he doesn’t fully trust me anymore. Now he even has me questioning myself. What if I’m in denial and I do like this man? He is making me happier than my husband has in years.

While it’s possible that you may have feelings for this new man, you owe it to your family to work on your marriage. The distance between you has understandably put a strain on your relationship, and unless you work on it together, things will only get worse. Your husband is likely missing you and seeing that you’re having fun away with your male colleague is making him feel insecure. Tell your husband you are not happy as things are and that you need to start talking through. Consider some couples counselling. You can find support through Tavistock Relationships, (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975). I’m also sending you my support pack Relationship MOT to help.

DEAR DEIDRE

I’m happy for my girlfriend to cheat with other men - as long as I can watch

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30560077/discovering-girlfriends-infidelity-given-cuckold-fetish/

I’M happy for my girlfriend to cheat with other men - as long as I can watch. The shock and anger I felt when I discovered her infidelity has given way to a cuckold fetish, but now I’m worried I’m playing with fire. I’m 27 and my girlfriend is 28. We met at university and have been together for five years. Two years ago, I caught her cheating on me with a male friend. I found them together in the bathroom at a party. She was pleasuring him. I was shocked, hurt and angry but I was also strangely turned on. I stood watching for a few moments, taking in the scene, before I let them know I’d caught them. My girlfriend was very remorseful, blaming it on being drunk, and I forgave her. But I couldn’t stop thinking about what I’d seen. I’d pleasure myself, thinking about it. A few months later, I confessed my fetish and told her I’d be happy for her to have sex with other men, on condition that I could be there and watch them together. She was surprised, but admitted she liked the idea. We started going out to bars and clubs to pick up willing partners. The first time she had sex with a guy in front of me, she was very shy. But she soon started enjoying herself - especially when she saw how much I liked it. Afterwards, we’d discuss what had happened and have sex together. My problem is that I’ve started feeling ashamed about this. I’m worried it isn’t normal and I’m scared I’ve ruined our relationship. I also fear she might fall for one of her lovers.

Your cuckold fetish is not as unusual as you’d think, and many men are aroused by the thought of another man having sex with their partner.My support pack Fetish Worries, will help you understand this. But making fantasy a reality comes with risks, as you’ve realised. You need to express your fears to her and discuss boundaries. It may be that she has the same fears, or is worried that if she doesn’t keep on doing it, you’ll go off her. Perhaps you could agree to keep this as a fantasy that you discuss, rather than actively participate in. If you’re worried about why you have this fantasy, talking to a counsellor could help. See my support pack about Sex Therapy.

BEYOND REPAIR

I kicked my selfish younger brother out and I fear there is no way back

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30573055/kicked-selfish-younger-brother-out/

MY younger brother has always been selfish and expected me to run around after him but I’m worried our relationship is beyond repair after his latest stunt. When he couldn’t afford the rent on his flat, I took him in. He lived with me for six years rent-free, only contributing to the bills.I’m 43 and he’s 38. Recently, I told him I’d had enough and asked him to move out. He was furious and left boxes of his things which he is refusing to collect. It’s been nine months now and I want a clearout but he won’t reply and says he’s got no room in his bedsit. Can I simply get rid of his things?

Legally you should give your brother reasonable notice to collect his belongings and 30 days is considered a fair time period. After that, you are not obliged to keep it. Could you box up his possessions and deliver them to his new address? I’m sending you my support pack Standing Up For Yourself to help you.

NO IMAGINATION

I love to roleplay and dress up and my new boyfriend is just not interested

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30573059/i-love-to-roleplay-dress-up/

DRESSING up in sexy costumes and indulging in a little role play used to be my favourite way to get up close and personal with my previous partner – but my new boyfriend will have nothing to do with it. He says that we’re not kids going to fancy-dress parties and accuses me of being ridiculous. He’s really upset me. If I’m honest, if we can’t have fun in the bedroom I’m not sure our relationship can last. I’m 32 and he’s 35. We’ve been together for eight months and until this I really thought we might have a future together. It’s weird that he’s not budging on this because he isn’t unadventurous – we’ve tried different sex toys, had sex in lots of different places and positions, but this is strictly off-limits. A couple of weeks ago, I managed to persuade him to let me dress up in my favourite sexy secretary outfit and I asked him to remain in his work suit. He seemed fine with that so I suggested we try my favourite nurse costume next. I wanted him to lie in bed and pretend he was ill – nothing too out there. But his reaction really confused me. He said it was ridiculous, I was ridiculous and he wasn’t interested in make-believe. I have a whole drawer full of sexy latex outfits that have given me and my ex-boyfriend so much pleasure and I’d love nothing more than to dust them off again.

Role play and dressing up is a great way to spice up a relationship – especially a long-term one – but only if both partners are up for it. While you love the drama, there are plenty of people who feel self-conscious and silly, even. Some even feel threatened by the character they are asked to take on – feeling insecure that they are not enough. You could try to reassure your partner. But if he still doesn’t want to partake, perhaps try a slightly different role play where you talk through a fantasy scenario. This can be just as much of a turn-on as acting it out. And remember, it’s just as important to arouse your partner’s brain as their body.

SICK OF HER

I’m tempted to throw my lazy teenage daughter out as she's ruining my life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30439391/lazy-teenage-daughter-never-leaves-room/

ALL my daughter does is lie in her room. She is 18 and her lazy behaviour is ruining my life. I’ve been a single mother since she was four, yet she idolises her nearly absent father. Whenever I ask her to clean her room, do her chores or even think about her career, she screams at me. She barely even goes out to see friends. Last year, my boyfriend ended our relationship because he couldn’t cope with her sulky attitude. Now it’s getting to a point where I cannot bear living with her and I’m tempted to throw her out. Have I created a monster?

It does sound like your daughter is struggling with her mental health. You are describing someone who is moody and withdrawn, which are signs her mental health is suffering. She can talk with The Mix, which has a free confidential helpline for young people – call 0808 808 4994. They are also available on email and live chat. See themix.org.uk.

WORK WORRIES

A colleague is spreading malicious lies about me around the office

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30510342/colleague-spreading-malicious-lies-around-office/

A colleague is spreading malicious lies about me at work, and it’s making me feel so stressed and anxious. I now dread going into the office because I’m sure everyone is talking about me - and that they all believe the rumours. I’m at the end of my tether. I’m a 44-year-old divorced man. This colleague, who is older than me, has never liked me because he sees me as competition and feels he was passed over for a promotion which I got. From what I can work out, he’s been telling people that I was inappropriate with a younger female colleague. He saw me with my arm around her in the corridor and jumped to conclusions. The truth is, she was crying and I was comforting her. She doesn’t want anyone to know why. Please help. This is ruining my career and my life.

Having lies spread about you is both distressing and very serious, as it’s slander. Talk to your line manager and to Human Resources and let them know what’s happening. If possible, ask the female colleague if she’ll back you up. And tell other colleagues the rumours are baseless. If you’re a member of a union, contact them too. You can also find independent workplace advice through Acas (acas.org.uk, tel: 0300 123 1100). It might be worth speaking directly to your colleague and asking him to set the record straight. But take advice on this first. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you have this conversation.

DEAR DEIDRE

Sexting with my lover behind my husband's back is not enough, I want more

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30439392/sexting-with-lover-not-enough/

I HAVE been sexting a man half my age behind my husband’s back. He gives me the attention my husband hasn’t given me in 20 years of marriage. We’re both 42 and we haven’t had sex in years. I met my lover at work a few months ago, he was the new member of staff and I felt instantly attracted to him. He reminded me of my husband when I first met him — full of confidence, energetic and funny. When he was placed in my team we hit it off straight away. Soon it turned into coffee after work, friendly texting and then sending each other nudes. It’s the closest thing I’ve had to sex in years and I love how I can turn him on just from a photo alone — but I’m craving the real deal. He lives with his girlfriend but says the relationship is effectively over and the only thing keeping them together is the house they rent together. I know that I’ve crossed a line regarding my marriage and my behaviour is far from professional but I can’t help it — this man gives me what my husband doesn’t. Now, he’s the first person I think of when I wake up and I’m consumed with a desire to sleep with him. We agreed that we will only have sex if we both leave our partners. I love being intimate. I miss it so much and wish my husband would even give me a peck on the cheek. I’ve tried to tell him how I feel but he just dismisses me, saying I should be happy because we’re in love and married. Things can’t continue like this at home but I’m not sure my relationship with my lover will ever amount to anything.

Don’t leave your husband for your lover. While this man is providing you with an exciting distraction, in the cold light of day that is all this is. If he was going to leave his girlfriend for you, he would’ve done it by now. Instead, speak to your husband about how you’re feeling. Ask what is going on for him – perhaps there’s something affecting his libido that he hasn’t told you about. He could be depressed or anxious which would affect his sexual desire. Alternatively, he could be watching porn regularly which could also cause issues. Whatever his answer, it isn’t realistic of him to expect you to be happy in a sexless marriage. He needs to understand what is at risk here. You would both benefit from couple counselling to resolve this issue. A third party will be able to help you to work through this. My Counselling support pack has more information.

PASSION GONE

I can't get a strong erection and my wife is fed up - I fear marriage is over

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30439401/cant-get-a-strong-erection-marriage/

WHY can’t I get a strong erection any more? I’m 65 years old and have been married to my wife who is 63 for 40 years. We always had an active sex life – until I hit my sixties when suddenly my problems started. We’ve tried everything but nothing has worked. Now me and my wife don’t have sex and our relationship has taken a hit. It feels like we’re two friends living in our home together. We argue more and I know my wife no longer feels attractive. She says that if I still fancied her then we wouldn’t be having any issues but this couldn’t be further from the truth, she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Now she is spending more time with her friends and at work. It’s like she’s constantly avoiding me. All of the passion in our relationship is gone, we don’t even kiss each other goodnight any more. We met almost 45 years ago and she was my first love. I remember the first time when I saw her at a dance and I knew she was the one, immediately. It makes me so sad but I feel my marriage is over and that the right thing to do would be to set her free. That way, she could find someone else who can fulfil her sexually in a way that I can’t. But we have three beautiful children and eight grandchildren, who would be devastated if we divorced. All I want to do is save my sex life and marriage.

It isn’t uncommon for men’s erections to become weaker as they age. The nerves in the penis get less sensitive with older men and this, coupled with a drop in testosterone levels, means more older men experience erectile dysfunction. It’s really important to visit your doctor to rule out any possible underlying medical reasons. Keep trying to reassure your wife you still find her attractive and are going to the doctor to get help. My support pack Erection Problems will be good for both of you to read and explains more.

WILL WORRIES

My blended family is at loggerheads because of our will

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30423137/blended-family-loggerheads-because-of-will/

MY blended family is at loggerheads because of wills. My husband and I are in our 60s and have been married for 30 years. We share a beautiful daughter and we both have children from previous relationships. We created the perfect unit until we decided to update our wills. I wanted the value of our home to be divided up equally between all three of our children. He has a son, I have a son and we share a daughter. However, he has lost his rag over this suggestion, instead insisting that the value of our home should be divided in two - one half to his son and the other half to our shared child and my son. I felt my step-son was getting the better end of this suggested deal as he’s already inheriting a huge chunk of money from his mother. Now all the children have become involved. My children agree with me whilst my step-son is siding with his dad. The rows have become nasty with my husband accusing me of favouring my son from my previous marriage, which simply isn’t true. He’s even accused me of being with him just for financial gain because he was always the breadwinner of the family. I wish I hadn’t voiced what I wanted now and I’m questioning if it was wrong of me. I didn’t realise it would turn into such a big deal. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal I need to hear an opinion from someone outside of the situation. Have I been unreasonable with my wishes?

Your husband shouldn’t be saying such nasty things to you and my support pack 'Abusive Partner’ will show you where to find some support. Abuse doesn’t always take the physical form of violence, you can be mentally or emotionally abused. Find a moment between you and your husband where you can discuss your feelings. Tell him it’s not okay that he says such horrible things to you. My support pack called Standing Up For Yourself will help you do this. Explain how it’s affecting your relationship and that you want to speak to someone outside of the situation to provide some clarity for you both. Couples counselling would provide this for you both and my support pack on counselling will explain more.

DEAR DEIDRE

How can I stop my sex party and massage parlour compulsion?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30423138/cheating-wife-sex-party-massage-parlour-habits/

WITH over twenty five years of marriage to the loveliest woman under my belt, I feel nothing but guilt and am desperate to give up my shameful sex party and massage parlour habit. I went to my first swingers party 20 years ago, shortly after my daughter was born. My wife and I have always had a bland sex life that has never fulfilled me. I’m 56 and my wife’s 54. I fantasised about something more exciting and often toyed with the idea of attending a sex party. Typically frustrated, I found one in my local area and decided to try it ‘just once’. I told my wife I was out for a work drinks event. When I stepped into the party, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Scenes of men and women flirting, undressing and in various stages of intimacy turned me on instantly. I was nervous but soon got talking to an attractive woman who was a bit younger than me. She was there with her husband and after a couple more we were having a threesome together. The sex was incredible and I found myself having the best orgasms of my life. From then on I started regularly attending these parties. However, as exciting as they were, I soon found they weren't enough for me and I began getting massages at parlours where I could have a happy ending. My wife doesn’t suspect a thing but I’m fed up with cheating on her and don’t really get any satisfaction these days from either the sex parties or massage parlours. I can’t allow the guilt of what I’m doing to eat away at me anymore.

Twenty years of this double life is clearly taking its toll and you’re fed up of lying. This can’t continue as you’re risking not only your health, but also your wife’s. You’re caught in a compulsively destructive cycle and are likely to have a sex addiction. The good news is you can overcome this but some expert support will help you give up and avoid a relapse. You sound motivated and ready to turn your life around - a crucial step in any recovery. Contact The Laurel Centre (thelaurelcentre.co.uk, tel: 01926 339594)who offer individually tailored sex addiction therapy and porn addiction counselling. You can also look at Pivotal Recovery (www.pivotalrecovery.org) which is an affordable, online, therapy-based programme to quit porn addiction, sex addiction and compulsive sexual behaviours.

EX STRESS

My partner's ex-girlfriend is an uninvited guest in our lives

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30423136/partners-ex-girlfriend-overly-involved-in-our-lives/

MY partner’s ex-girlfriend is still part of his family and I want her gone. I’m 25 years old, my partner is 30 and his ex-girlfriend is 27. We’ve been together for two years and he shares his five-year-old daughter with his ex. One of the things that I love about my partner is his determination to coparent peacefully with his ex-partner but I draw the line at her still being a part of the family. I can understand her being at their daughter’s birthday but why does she have to show up to every family barbeque or celebration? She blanks me and always flirts with my boyfriend and tries to get his attention. I’ve become so uncomfortable with the situation that I’ve started to refuse to attend family events in case she is there. My boyfriend insists there’s no chance of them getting back together but I think she’s secretly holding out hope. How do I stop his ex from attending these events?

It’s not fair that you feel uncomfortable during these situations. It’s fantastic that your boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend co-parent so well together, it will ultimately benefit their daughter. But if her presence is affecting your relationship then it’s time to redraw the lines. Explain how you are feeling pushed out and if he’s serious about you then he’ll find a way to limit his ex’s involvement. Remember you are his partner, his ex-girlfriend is not. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help you be clear and firm with him.

ALWAYS A FIGHT

Living with my wife is a nightmare - I can't say or do anything right

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30439397/living-with-wife-a-nightmare/

MY wife is constantly picking fights with me. Whatever comes out of my mouth is incorrect or wrong. Every day, I dread waking up and dealing with her because I know we will have an argument about something. A few days ago she told me off because I burned the pizza I was cooking. I kept apologising but she would not let it go, calling me useless and worthless. I’m 40 and my wife is 35. We have two lovely children and were happily married until a year or two ago when this began. She was always lovely and caring towards me but now she’s just cold.

This is not a nice situation for anyone in your home. Think back to when her behaviour changed. Has something happened? Can you ask her about what has changed for her and let her know how her treatment makes you feel. Tell her it’s un-acceptable for her to speak to you in this manner at any point in your lives. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help.

JEALOUS STREAK

My girlfriend wants my social media log ins to keep an eye on me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30423140/girlfriend-wants-social-media-log-ins-keep-eye/

MY girlfriend wants my social media logins so she can trust me not to cheat. We’re both 16 years old and met at college. Four months ago I asked her to be my girlfriend. It didn’t take long for her to start demanding that I hand over my phone so she could check up on me. I was confused, but she told me if I didn’t let her have a look, it would mean she couldn’t trust me. I’ve stuck to my guns and haven’t once allowed her to go through my texts. I want to have a relationship built on trust. However, now she’s accusing me of cheating most days. I’m nearly at my wits end. How do I solve this situation?

Stick to your guns. Your girlfriend shouldn’t be demanding your login and you’re entitled to a private life. My support pack ‘Learning to Love’ will be beneficial to you. If your girlfriend can’t accept that you won’t allow her to go through your phone then I would seriously question whether your relationship has a future.

DEAR DEIDRE

We were patching things up - then my husband's lover announced she was pregnant

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30405365/patching-things-husbands-lover-announced-pregnant/

I DIDN'T think things could get worse when I found out my husband was cheating on me, but then his lover announced she was pregnant with his child. Now the life we built together is in ruins and I have no clue where to go from here. I’m 42, my husband is 46 and we’ve been married for 15 years. We have a seven-year-old daughter and a twelve-year-old son together. Throughout our marriage, he’d never given me a reason not to trust him. So, when he started working late and going on more frequent business trips, I didn’t bat an eyelid. Then one day I received a phone call from one of my best friends after she’d seen him in a pub with another woman. I didn’t want to believe it but when I confronted him about it he went silent. I knew instantly from the look in his eyes that it was true. Eventually, he admitted that he had fallen for a new woman at the office and things had spiralled out of control. After hours of begging for my forgiveness, I decided to give him a second chance. We spent months working on our relationship and were finally getting back on track, until one day we got a knock on the door. It was her, and she was visibly pregnant. My heart sank because I knew exactly what this meant. Now I don’t know what to do. I love my husband dearly, but the idea of him having a child with this woman is tearing me apart. I feel so lost.

Your husband has hurt and betrayed you, and now his actions will alter your life forever. Working through your new reality will take careful consideration. You and your husband need to have an open and honest conversation to work through your issues. Together you were repairing your relationship and addressing what was missing between you. Now you need to decide whether you can continue to overcome this news or decide this negates all of that progress. Does he want to be involved in the child’s life and can you accept it if he does? Could you welcome an innocent child’s involvement in your family? These are huge thorny issues that you would find helpful to work through with a relationship counsellor. Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, tel: 020 7380 1960). My support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, will help you way up your decision.

SO LOW

I'd love to get out dating again but surgery has left me self-conscious

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30405364/love-dating-again-surgery-self-conscious/

EVER since my cataract surgery gave me a lazy eye, my self-esteem has been on the floor. Now any time I look in the mirror the mere sight of me brings me to tears. I’m a 60-year-old single man and after years of struggling with bad eyesight, four months ago I finally decided to go under the knife. While I knew with any surgery there were risks of complications, I was so excited to finally get my sight back and gain a better quality of life. When I came out of the operating room and heard that the surgery had been successful I was over the moon. I had been putting dating off for years but felt I could finally get back out there. Then one day I noticed my eye beginning to droop. At first, I took no notice but as time passed it worsened and before I knew it my eye was completely deformed. My doctor told me that a lazy eye can occur after cataract surgery if there's weaker vision in one eye, and unfortunately, there is nothing he can do to correct it. Now my self-confidence has hit an all-time low and I’m struggling to come to terms with it. I was finally feeling hopeful that I’d meet someone, but now no woman will ever come near me looking like this.

Please ask for a second opinion as in many cases there is treatment available for lazy eye after cataract surgery. Dealing with low self-esteem can be incredibly difficult but remember your appearance doesn’t define your worth. To us, our insecurities feel so big, but the chances are the people around you don’t give your eye a second thought. Try not to be disheartened when it comes to dating. The right person is going to love you for you and having a lazy eye won’t change that. I’m sending you my support pack Raising Self-Esteem to help you gain some confidence back.

EX STRESS

I can't move on from my toxic ex even though he's bad for me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30487759/cant-move-on-toxic-ex-bad-for-me/

I KNEW I shouldn’t have got together with my childhood ex as he’s a complete womaniser. I’m a divorced woman of 36 and I’ve not had the best track history of dating. I went to a school reunion and met a guy I went out with when I was 17. He cheated on me back then. He’s 37 now. He’s never moved away from our home town and neither have I. We were flirting and he said he was separated and he’d like to take me out some time. I said, “No way. Why would I want to go out with somebody who treated me badly?” He said he’d changed and he wanted to prove himself to me. We started dating and I then found out he’d been seeing me and still sleeping with his ex-wife as well as somebody else. I ended it. Since then, I find myself missing him terribly. We aren’t dating now but meet up for sex sometimes. I don’t think I can move on.

You can and you must, for your own integrity and self-worth. Some people won’t ever be monogamous - which is what you crave - he’s not the one for you. Tell him that casual sex isn’t your style and you aren’t going to allow yourself to get into this situation again. You deserve better so wait until you really know somebody well before letting them into your life. You’ll be glad you did. My support pack called Finding The Right Partner For You explains more.

CROSS DRESSING

My cross dressing fetish is ruining my sex life and relationship

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30487774/cross-dressing-fetish-ruining-sex-life-relationship/

MY sex life is failing because I can only get fully aroused when I’m wearing women’s clothes. I’m a man of 42 and my wife doesn’t know that I have this fetish. It started when I was a kid because I had two big sisters and we used to play dressing-up games. I found when I hit puberty, that the soft materials against my skin gave me a thrill. I hide my clothes in a storage unit but get them out when my wife is away visiting her mother for the weekend. As soon as I’ve had my sexual relief, I put them away and dress like a man again. I buy and sell my feminine attire on auction sites. Lots of men buy my stuff. I know it’s common. My wife is 39 and she’s told me she misses intimacy with me but I can’t perform without dressing in women’s clothes.

First of all, I want to let you know that many men experience the same need to wear women’s clothing in order to become aroused. Your wife is missing intimacy and you don’t feel comfortable letting her know about your fetish. You need to work out if you can share your secret with your wife and how to explain that this need isn’t necessarily a threat to your relationship. You would find it hugely reassuring to talk to a sex and relationship counsellor. Perhaps you could start on your own and then invite your wife. COSRT (COSRT.org.uk) can help put you in contact with a reputable therapist.

NO BOUNDARIES

My son's girlfriend treats our house like a hotel

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30405368/sons-girlfriend-treats-house-like-hotel/

WHEN my son asked if his girlfriend could move in I happily obliged, but now she’s treating our house like a hotel. I’m a 57-year-old single father. My son is 22, his girlfriend is 19 and they’ve been together for a year. Since the moment they met he’s been smitten and whenever she stayed she seemed lovely. However, since the moment she moved in, my son and I have been waiting on her hand and foot. Not only have we done all the cooking and cleaning but he’s even been washing and ironing all of her clothes too. Other than her weekend shifts in a pub, all she does is sit in his bedroom watching TV. I’ve tried to tell my son he needs to put more boundaries in place but he won’t listen. I can tell it’s taking a toll on him but he’s too proud to admit it. The last thing I want is to involve myself in his relationship, but it’s hard seeing her use him like this.

You’ve been kind to let her move in, but it’s time to set some boundaries. If your son isn’t willing to tell her, you can at least put your foot down. Tell your son that you will no longer be cooking and cleaning for them and if she doesn’t start contributing she will need to move out. Don’t allow her to take advantage. They’re both adults and if they were living independently they would need to do more chores.

DEAR DEIDRE

I've fallen deeply for my lover but he won’t leave his alcoholic wife

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30386211/fallen-deeply-lover-wont-leave-alcoholic-wife/

THE man I’m dating won’t leave his wife because she’s an alcoholic - and I’m not sure if I should wait for him. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he’s scared his wife will drink herself to death if he divorces her. I’m 34 and have been seeing him for three years. He’s 41. We met on social media and became good friends before we started sleeping together. At first, he didn’t tell me he was married. It was only when I questioned why he would never invite me to his place, that he admitted the truth. By then I’d fallen for him - deeply. He explained he didn’t set out to have an affair - he wasn’t the cheating type. But he no longer had a romantic relationship with his wife, who had a huge drink problem. He’d become her carer. She wouldn’t get help to stop drinking and he desperately wanted to walk out. He told me he couldn’t give me a timescale, but it was a question of when he’d leave, and not if. I knew he was telling the truth - and have since seen evidence to prove it. However, it’s been years now and nothing has changed. If anything, he says she’s drinking more and is even more of a mess. I love him and know he loves me. I see him in my future, as the father of my children. I don’t want to end the relationship. But I’m worried I might be waiting for him forever. And part of me feels that if he really did love me enough, he would leave her regardless.

Your lover is in an impossible situation. But he needs to understand he is not responsible for his wife. Only she can decide she wants help to stop drinking. The brutal truth is: she may well drink herself to death whether he stays or goes. Give him my support pack Dealing With A Problem Drinker, which has information and sources of support. Read Your Lover Not Free for yourself. Remember, you only have one life.You want children and that means you don’t have time to wait around. Tell him you love him but can’t carry one like this forever. Perhaps set yourself a time limit when, if nothing has changed, you will walk away. Be aware that even if he leaves, his wife may continue to cast a shadow over your relationship.

DEAR DEIDRE

My wife & I had a threesome with another woman - now I'm secretly meeting her

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30463368/riddled-guilt-illicit-sex-sessions-third-partner/

SECRETLY meeting up with our third partner for illicit sessions has been thrilling and yet I’m unsettled. I haven’t done anything with this other woman that my wife hasn’t seen me do with her already but still I feel bad. I’m a man of 35 and my wife is 33. We’ve been married for five years and we have a baby and a toddler. My wife is a stay-at-home mum and I work in construction. Our relationship is great but since the kids have been born, sex feels vanilla and dull. It’s a quickie at best at bedtime because we are so tired. A mate raved about a hook-up website he joined boasting he'd had some great sexual encounters. So after a glass or two of wine one night, I suggested spicing things up in the bedroom with my wife. She agreed but wanted to go with another woman, not a man. We filled in a dating profile and several women matched with us. We chose the one who we were most attracted to. We hired a babysitter, went to a hotel and met our date in the bar. She looked amazing, was 29 and single. We took some wine to our room and the fun started. It was great to feel desired by two women and to see them together. The following weekend the woman contacted me again, asking to meet. I went to her place and we had oral sex together. It was exciting but now I feel guilty towards my wife. Should I see if she will give me a pass?

Opening up any relationship is a delicate business and strong communication is the foundation of success. You both agreed to a one-off threesome, but did you discuss the boundaries around this? I doubt your wife would have sanctioned you meeting this woman alone - and certainly not without discussion. Some people can make non-monogamy work but bringing people outside your relationship into your bedroom is fraught with risk. And this woman’s requests suggest she could be getting emotionally involved with you which could jeopardise your marriage. When you have a young family, your sexual relationship does take a back seat, but with effort you can still connect and have fun. Nothing stays the same forever, in the future you will find you both have more time and energy to invest in each other. Don’t jeopardise your good relationship by having secret meetings. My support pack called Fancy A Threesome? explains more.

PARENTING PROBLEMS

I'm worried sick that my nine-year-old daughter is self-harming

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30463365/worried-sick-nine-year-old-daughter-self-harming/

I RAN my little girl a shower last night and was horrified to see some marks on her arms. It looks like she’s self-harming. She’s nearly nine and has just gone to middle school. She finds it difficult to process verbal information. We are waiting for some assessments as she never really fitted in at her previous school. She found it hard to make friends because she struggles to understand what other kids are saying, so it may seem as if she’s ignoring their requests to play. It was the headmistress who raised concerns with us, but the tests haven’t been carried out yet and she’s moved schools. We thought she may have hearing problems but it wasn’t that. When I saw the marks on her body, she looked so ashamed so I patted the scratches gently, wrapped her in a towel and held her close. We then lay on her bed while I read to her. I didn’t feel it was the time to start quizzing her about what the marks were. I’m her mum and I’m 34 but I feel ill-equipped to deal with this.

That’s so tough. Self-harm is a way of dealing with emotional pain so my guess is that she’s feeling isolated and down. If she’s finding it hard to process when people are talking to her, she may have sensory overload. This can be a symptom of ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) or an auditory processing disorder where she’s finding it difficult to disseminate speech from noises around her. You can read more about it through our NHS (nhs.uk/conditions/auditory-processing-disorder/). Do talk to your GP and her new school to see if you can speed up her assessments. It may help her if you could talk to her about particular friends who she likes and invite them home for play-dates separately so that she can form a bond one-to-one with less interruption from outside.

LED ASTRAY

My wife's pal likes to sleep around and party - it's threatening our marriage

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30573056/wife-best-pal-threatening-our-marriage/

MY wife’s relationship with her promiscuous friend is threatening our marriage. I’ve never liked this friend, as she loves nothing more than long nights out drinking and partying – and tends to go home with a different man each time. She’s single so that’s fine – it’s her choice. But we are married and have a toddler. The thought of drunk men leering over my wife, or that she may be put in an unsafe position because of her friend’s recklessness, worries me. I’m 34 and my wife is 31. She and her friend have known each other since school. I have my own plumbing business and my wife now looks after our young son. Whenever I challenge her about their friendship, she says she enjoys spending time with her because she’s lots of fun and reminds her of who she used to be. A couple of weeks ago it was my mum’s 60th birthday and my sisters and I organised a surprise party for her. My wife said she couldn’t go because she’d arranged a weekend away with this friend. I wasn’t happy but as my wife had booked it and I’d forgotten the date, I reluctantly agreed to her going. True to form, her friend hooked up with a man on the first night and my wife was left to make her own way back to the hotel in the early hours. She told me they only went out late on one night but her friend’s social posts made it clear they went out every night and my wife looked like she was having a great time partying. My wife has told me to calm down, but I feel let down and worry that she’s lying to me. I’m even considering divorce.

It’s time to sit your wife down and explain how dismissing your feelings is destroying your trust in her. Talk to her about how worried you are, not only for her safety but also the future of your family. Your wife may well miss her old carefree life, and like many new mums may be wondering where her sense of self has gone. Her new life is focused on caring for your son and it sounds like she’s overlooking her own interests. Would she like to get involved with any sport or music clubs? Does she miss work? Discuss some boundaries you both agree to. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help.

CARRYING ON

I’ve been sexting my son’s barber, and now things are getting hairy

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30386200/sexting-sons-barber-things-getting-hairy/

I’VE been sexting my son’s barber, and now things are getting hairy. My son is due a haircut next week, and I’m feeling nervous because I’m married. I’m 28 and my son is six. My husband is 30. We haven’t been getting on well lately, or having sex. When my son’s barber sent me a message about his next appointment, the conversation got flirty. I should have shut it down, but I was feeling bored and loved his attention. After that, we started sexting each other. I know it’s wrong but it feels really exciting. It’s been so nice to know a man is interested in me. The problem is, I don’t think he’s single either. I’m worried how he’ll act when he sees me at the barber shop, or that he’ll suggest we meet up. I’ve never cheated before. What should I do?

Stop! You’re playing a dangerous game. Ask yourself whether you really want to get involved in an affair that will risk your marriage and mess up your son’s life. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, you need to fix it, rather than looking elsewhere. Talk to your husband honestly about your feelings. It might be wise to find a new barber for your son or to put a stop to the sexting, simply explain you are committed and can’t take this further. If you do take your son, be friendly but don’t flirt, so it’s clear where you stand.

AT ODDS

I'm worried I've ruined my relationship after coming clean about my pet peeves

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30463359/worried-ruined-relationship-coming-clean-pet-peeves/

WHEN I finally told my girlfriend the things that had been annoying me about her for months, she said she felt attacked. It’s because I’ve never been much of a talker. I’m a shy man of 28 and she’s 30. We met online and it took huge courage for me to actually show up for a date. We now live together and it’s been great but last night, I told her I didn’t like the way that she dumped her shoes, bag and coat in the hall, leaving them there until the next day - then a load of other complaints came spilling out too. She stood there with her mouth open and I could tell I’d gone too far. I apologised but told her that I bottle things up, hence me complaining about things that happened months ago. She’s speaking to me now but only just. How can I express how I feel right away, so that our relationship becomes easier.

Your girlfriend won’t feel attacked if you use the word ‘I’ rather than ‘You’. Saying, “I feel upset when…” comes over in a softer way than saying, “You annoy me when…”. Take your time to express your feelings and think about how it will come across to the recipient. You could begin by asking whether you could talk about something which is bothering you and then she will be prepared.If you need to practise, find some help through a local counsellor at BACP - British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, (bacp.co.uk, 01455 883300).

WANDERING EYE

My husband loves flirting with other women and never gives me a second look

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30463374/husband-flirting-other-women-never-second-look/

MY husband loves meeting other women. He flirts and chats with them but never gives me a second look. We’ve been married for 10 years. He’s 45 and I’m 41. He’s not affectionate towards me these days. I get a peck on the cheek when he goes to work but that’s all. We don’t have sex any more but he says it’s because he “has problems”. When we used to have sex, it would be over very quickly for him and I’d get frustrated. Now if we get invited out anywhere and there are single women around, he gets them a drink and engages with them as if he wants to get their number. I’m fed up.

If sex is over quickly for him it’s denting his pride. He’s checking in with other women to build his self-esteem to prove that he’s still attractive. This is hurtful to you though and you deserve better. In a quiet moment, explain to him that you want the attention on you and not on other women. Ask him what you can do to improve your relationship from his point of view and listen carefully to what he has to say. Tell him how you see your relationship improving, and that you miss the intimacy. My support pack about helping your partner to last longer, explains how to slow everything down when it comes to sex.

DATING DISTRESS

All I want is to meet a nice woman and settle down but I'm having no luck

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30386213/want-meet-nice-woman-settle-down-no-luck/

ALL I want is to meet a nice woman and settle down. But despite trying everything from dating apps to walking groups, I’ve had no luck. I’m a sane, decent man of 42, who still has all my own hair. I’m a little shy, but I do make an effort. I have a good job, eat healthily, try to stay fit and have hobbies and interests. Friends say a woman should have snapped me up by now. Until eight years ago, I was in a relationship, but since then there’s been nobody serious, just a few flings and dates. The women I like don’t like me back. The ones who are interested in me have no conversation. I don’t think I’m overly-fussy. I don’t have a type - I just want someone who is interesting to talk to and who is kind and fun. What else can I do to meet someone? I’m running out of ideas, and I don’t want to be single forever.

The dating scene is increasingly difficult, especially for those who don’t find swiping right the best way to meet a mate. Give up on those and concentrate on making friends with women through your interests. Friendship is the best start to a lasting relationship. Even if those friendships don’t automatically lead to romance, a female friend may have a single friend that’s right for you. Ask your existing friends if they can introduce you to someone too. My support pack, Finding The Love Of Your Life, should help.

DEAR DEIDRE

I'm haunted by partner’s affair because he may have had another child with her

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30354870/tortured-possibility-husband-has-illegitimate-child/

I AM haunted by my partner’s affair even though it happened five years ago because he may have had another child with her. We have been together for 12 years and have a daughter aged eight. I am 36 and my partner is 38. They used to go to gymnastics and grew up together in the same village. Apparently they bumped into each other when he went back to do a job in his parents’ area. He’s a carpenter and had a big job in a mansion there. But when I saw his location was in a different area nearby at the time he said he was working, I knew something was up. He came clean straight away and admitted to the affair but said it was a stupid mistake and he’d realised he only wanted me. I was devastated but, for the sake of our daughter, I decided to forgive him and move on. However, this person has been at the root of all our arguments ever since. He promised he wouldn’t speak to her or see her again and I had to put my trust in him. But I’ve since found out that they didn’t use any contraception so there is a chance that he could be the father of her four-year-old son. He says’ he doesn’t think the dates add up and as they don’t speak any more it’s best to move on but I can’t. I finished with him temporarily a couple of years ago because I cannot bear the thought that he potentially has another child, which would be my daughter’s half-sibling. It is so distressing. I have tried to keep these thoughts to myself but it is becoming increasingly difficult. It’s like a black cloud hanging over me. I don’t know what to do.

You need to resolve this uncertainty in order to move on. Be honest with your husband and explain how you feel. Tell him how much his affair hurt you and you worry he may have fathered her child. Try to stay calm so that you can assess the situation together. Keep in mind that if your partner does have a child with this woman, that child is completely innocent. With the right support, it is possible to make it past an affair but this is something you will have to do together. Consider relationship counselling at Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1960) My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will also help you to move on.

AT A LOSS

I'm worried sick about my friend after her son was abducted and taken to Egypt

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30354865/worried-friend-son-abducted-taken-to-egypt/

MY friend is in a mess after her son was abducted by his nanny and taken to Egypt. She has always had a problem with alcohol and at one point her son was taken into care. She got her son back and because of work, she employed a nanny. My friend is divorced from her husband. She is 42. Her son is just nine years old. My friend came back from work one day to find her house empty and her son’s clothes and a few toys were missing. She didn’t give the nanny permission to take him away. Later the nanny sent my friend a message telling her where her son was and that he wouldn’t be returning to the UK. They have since changed his identity. My friend has a lawyer who is working closely with the courts but it can be quite difficult at times. She has spent thousands of pounds so far. She has started drinking heavily and I am worried about her. She is very fragile and emotional but denies she has an alcohol problem. I want to support her but I am struggling. When she is drunk she often blacks out. She can become violent and she has even slapped me once. She is not helping herself and I worry she is going to harm herself and her legal case if she carries on like this.

Your friend’s nanny has acted illegally. Not only has she broken your friend’s trust, but she has also acted cruelly and selfishly. Please contact Action Against Abduction (actionagainstabduction.org), which works to help bring children home. You can also try Reunite International (reunite.org, 01162 556 234), which is another UK-based charity that specialises in international parental child abduction. Please don’t give up on your friend who is clearly in a bad way. You can’t stop her drinking but talk to her when she is sober about her behaviour. My support pack Dealing With A Problem Drinker explains more.

EX STRESS

I'm sleeping with my ex-boyfriend even though he's in a new relationship

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30354861/sleeping-with-ex-boyfriend-hes-in-new-relationship/

I AM having great sex with my ex-boyfriend even though he has a new girlfriend. She owns her own flat and I think that’s the only reason he is with her. We split up six months ago after being together for almost three years. I am 31 and my ex is 34. I thought our relationship was solid but we suddenly started arguing over nothing, separating and making up again. I was gutted when he found another woman. From what he’s told me about her she’s minted and owns her own flat. I can’t help but think the flat is the only reason he is with her. Otherwise why would he continue to see me? The sex was always good and that hasn’t changed. I know he won’t commit to me again because he doesn’t want to give up his new girlfriend. He seems to think he can keep seeing his new girlfriend while having secret sex with me.

You are proving he can! Your ex may genuinely care for you as well as lusting after you, but he can’t have it all. He has to choose. If he can’t commit to you, stop this dead-end secret affair before you get hurt. My support pack Moving On and Finding The Right Partner For You will help you meet a man who wants you 100 percent. Someone new is out there who is right for you but take any new relationship slowly.

SO AFRAID

I wake up at night screaming after terrors and worry they are a sign of dementia

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30445048/wake-up-screaming-scared-night-terrors/

I WOKE my husband up in the early hours screaming like someone was attacking me. I was dreaming about being kidnapped. This isn’t the first time it has happened and I was hoarse all day.I am 64 and retired. My husband is 66. I am really afraid that these night terrors might become more regular or be a sign of dementia. I believe they can be caused by anxiety but I already take medication for this. Each day I go through all the important dates in our family including birthdays and anniversaries. I also go through all their names and addresses, make sure I know the current date and count backwards from 100. I have heard these are some of the tests for establishing dementia. When I woke up screaming I scared my husband so much.

There can be many reasons night terrors happen including stress or traumas but it is important this is taken seriously. A sleep clinic might be able to help you so talk to your GP. Ageing is the biggest risk factor for dementia but there are ways to reduce your risk including a healthy lifestyle and weight, regular exercise, not smoking and not drinking too much alcohol. Staying mentally active by reading, doing puzzles or learning something new such as a language or a musical instrument is also beneficial.

RUINED IT

My girlfriend dumped me because I went to a concert with my ex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30439398/girlfriend-dumped-me-concert-ex/

THE love of my life broke up with me after I went to a concert with my ex. I met my girlfriend last year, months after my ex and I split up. The three of us are all in our mid-twenties. When we were together, my ex and I arranged to go to some music festivals with our friendship group. We’d been looking forward to festival season, so when we split up we decided to stay civil and honour those commitments. The tickets alone cost us hundreds of pounds. When I met my girlfriend, I explained about the tickets and said she felt she could trust me. The season began and I was enjoying every moment, there were no issues from my girlfriend, or ex. Then, when I went to the last gig of the season I received the message that changed everything. Out of the blue, my girlfriend asked me for space, saying she felt she was second best and that she needed to rethink our relationship. The day after, she dumped me. My girlfriend was cheated on previously and I believe she’ll never be able to accept that my ex is a part of my life. I understand why she’s worried but this isn’t the case with me, the only woman I see and am attracted to is her. Now everything is ruined and I’m desperate to win her back – but how do I do this?

While I have no doubt you are innocent, I can see why your ex felt insecure. This is an unusual situation, which would make most women feel worried. She may also have spoken to friends or family members who may have reinforced the message that your arrangement was a strange one. If this was the other way around, would you accept this behaviour from your girlfriend? I would try and tell her, whether through a phone call, meeting or text, how unhappy you’re feeling and that you’re truly sorry for not realising how this situation was making her feel. This may help her to see things for what they are, and my support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help you get this message across. But I’m afraid if she is adamant about the split, you will need to respect her decision.

DEAR DEIDRE

An anonymous Facebook profile sent me compromising images of my wife

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30331751/cant-trust-wife-fake-profile-exposed-cheating/

THE nude photographs of my wife sent to my Facebook account from a stranger, made my stomach heave. Whoever sent the images used a fake profile so I’ve no idea where they came from. Our marriage has had its ups and downs. We’ve been together for 10 years and married for eight. I’m a man of 40 and my wife is 38 and she’s gorgeous. Everyone says so. I don’t know why but I cheated on her on a stag weekend six months into our marriage. She went mad when my mate’s girlfriend told her what I’d done. Still I managed to convince her to stay by telling her I’d do anything for her to make amends. And that’s what I did. I got a much better job in sales which enabled my wife to give up nursing which she hated because of the unsociable shifts. My new job requires me to travel at least three times a month and I’m abroad a lot but we are financially stable without her second income. I thought our marriage was good. My wife does as she wants, meeting friends and going for lunch and the last thing I expected was that she’d cheat on me. The photographs were not ones I had ever taken, in fact, we don’t do that sort of thing but these pictures were unmistakable. I know my wife’s body and I know the tattoo she has on her side. I then started getting screenshots of text messages which suggested she was regularly having sex with a guy when I was away. She even gave him the dates I was due to go abroad so there’s no faking the content. I don’t know what to do. Is she scoring points?

Probably not but she could be lonely. Long periods alone can upset a marriage and although someone needs to put food on the table, a good relationship isn’t always about money. Find a quiet moment to talk to her about what you’ve been sent and explain how betrayed you feel. You need to know if she wants to try and rebuild your marriage. Ask her what she’s missing in your relationship. Would it help if you were at home more? You’ll both need to be prepared to open up and be honest with each other. Some couples counselling would be good. Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, Tel: 020 7380 1975) who can help.

COMMITMENT ISSUES

I've fallen for a great guy but he still wants to meet other women

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30331750/fallen-great-guy-still-wants-meet-other-women/

THE guy I’m seeing says I tick all his boxes but he still wants to meet other women. I feel as if he’s waiting for a better offer. We aren’t teenagers. He’s 54 and I’m 56. We’ve both been married before. My husband died five years ago of a heart attack. I’ve had years of grieving and my daughters have done nothing but encourage me to find a new partner - or at least somebody to spend time with. I met this guy online and we went out for half a dozen dates and chatted constantly every single day. I began to develop strong feelings for him. His first marriage lasted 15 years and his second one, three. Apparently, that was because he got her pregnant and felt he should do the decent thing and offer to marry her. He’s been single now for seven years and says he’s ready to settle down with somebody again. When I asked him whether he thought I could be that person for him he said, “Yes, I really like you and I wish I’d met you at the end of this journey rather than at the beginning. But I’ve never really dated. I’ve missed out.” We’ve had sex twice and he said it was good. What is he hoping to gain from somebody else?

He’s hedging his bets and that’s not fair on you. You don’t want to be somebody’s booty call. You’re looking for somebody who can at least commit to being in some kind of relationship in whatever form that takes. You don’t want a ‘situationship’ or a ‘friends-with-benefits’ arrangement, so don’t compromise. Tell him you want to invest time in being together and if he’s not up for that, then bow out with your dignity intact. If it comes to this, my support pack called Finding The Right Partner For You will help.

WEDDING WORRIES

My nan is sucking the joy out of our wedding plans

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30331752/nan-sucking-joy-out-of-wedding-plans/

I COULDN'T be more happy to marry my soulmate but one thing is ruining our engagement - my nan isn’t speaking to me. I’ve been with my fiancé for 10 years and at 33, we decided to get married. My fiancé is 35. We don’t want the big fancy wedding and we never have done. My mum is a single mum and has never married and I’ve never known my dad. Nan and Grandad helped bring me up. Mum is so supportive of us both and she’s happy for us to go away to get married on a beach somewhere. But Nan is devastated and really angry with me. She said that it’s been her dream for my grandad to walk me down the aisle. I told her, “It’s not my dream”. It’s not personal but we want to go away - just us two - but she won’t have it. She’s 69 and set in her ways and now I’m getting the cold-shoulder treatment.

I’m sorry that these issues are taking the joy out of what should be a happy event. Wait for the dust to settle. Talk to your nan again about arranging some sort of a celebration which would include them. Perhaps they can view your wedding via video link or Facetime or you could have a blessing in church with your grandparents attending, or a simple meal where you wear your wedding clothes again. My support pack called Wedding Worries will help but stick to your guns. This is your day. And congratulations!

SO DOWN

My girlfriend bullies me but I'm too afraid to tell anybody

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30331749/girlfriend-bullies-me-too-afraid-tell-anybody/

I’M a man who is too ashamed to tell anybody that I’m scared of my female partner. She is full of threats and bullies me until I do as she says. I’m a man of 72 and she’s 65. She’s not a nice person. We’ve lived together for six years. I never complain. I pay a huge amount of money towards the household bills but she never tells me how much they are. I also help care for her mother who is 93. Last night she really lost her temper with me because I couldn’t drive her to bingo after drinking a few beers. Next thing she started yelling at me saying she’s going to get some friends to “come round and sort me out”. I’m terrified. I can’t go on living with her.

Nor should you have to. It’s unlikely you’ll be able to change her. Only she can do that and right now, you are feeling intimidated and frightened. When she shouts and threatens you again, move to a different room or go out of the house for a walk and don’t go back to her until she has calmed down. Check out Respect (respect.org.uk), a support organisation for those living with domestic abuse. Their helplines are for men and women, anyone caring for children, to get practical information and a refuge if need be, so that they can feel safe again. Through their site you’ll find a male victims toolkit designed to destigmatise abuse and encourage men to speak out.

SIBLING STRESS

My daughter gets jealous whenever I spend time with her sister

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30386207/daughter-jealous-whenever-spend-time-with-sister/

MY younger daughter gets jealous whenever I take my elder daughter out to the cinema or a restaurant. She seems to be resentful of any relationship I have with her sister and tells me she’s my favourite - but it isn’t true. I’m a 60-year-old divorced man, with two girls, aged 30 and 32. The elder one is married with a young baby and the younger one is single. I’ve never favoured either daughter and have always tried to treat them equally. I enjoy their company as adults and like going out with each of them when I can. If anything, I spend more time with the younger one because she lives alone and doesn’t have a husband or family commitments. But if I see her elder sister, and she hears about it, I get an earful. She’ll complain I took her sister to a nicer restaurant than I took her to, or - if I give her sister money to help with the baby - that it’s not fair because she is short of money too. She’s lonely and dearly wants to meet a man, but hasn’t had any success with dating. I’ve tried to give her advice, but she doesn’t listen. Instead, she takes her frustration out on me and her elder sister, blaming us for her bad relationships. What can I do?

You sound like a kind and loving dad, and you’ve done nothing wrong. Your younger daughter is clearly jealous of her elder sister, who has the relationship and family she craves but can’t find. It sounds like she may be insecure and perhaps feel she’s not good enough, or lovable enough - even though this isn’t true. Maybe - if you don’t already do so - you need to tell her how much you love her, and give her self-esteem a boost. For advice on parenting issues, contact Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, tel: 0808 800 2222).

DEAR DEIDRE

I admitted to affair & my husband revealed he's having sex with pal's daughter

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30317069/husband-sex-with-friends-daughter/

MY husband has been ­having sex with a friend’s daughter – someone I watched grow up and even looked after. She is 28 now, a beautiful young woman, and he is acting like the cat that got the cream. I’m devastated. I am 49 and my husband is 52. We have been together for 25 years but I always found it hard to trust him and I’ve often caught him lying. Last year he lost interest in me, didn’t want to touch me at all and I knew something wasn’t right. Although I tried to talk to him, he simply wasn’t interested. At the same time a colleague started to pursue me. I kept brushing him off until one night we got close and ended up having sex. I’ve never strayed before and knew it wasn’t right, but it felt so good that someone was interested in me. Still, I couldn’t live with what I had done so the next day I confessed to my husband. Instead of being furious, he admitted to his affair. He calmly suggested we should draw a line under both our infidelities — simply stating we were even and had both behaved badly. We had a massive row. He seems to think I will just get over it but I can’t get past the fact that I had revenge sex, knowing deep down that he was cheating on me and had been for ages. I want a divorce but he won’t even talk about it. I have nowhere to turn, I know I don’t love him any more.

Revenge cheating doesn’t take away the pain or make things better. It may feel tempting to get even, but in reality there is little satisfaction. Betrayal can erode the trust in a relationship and building that back can take considerable time. Be honest with your husband and explain how you feel. Tell him how much his affair hurt you. You have spent years feeling vulnerable and unable to trust so it’s no surprise you may view divorce as your preferred way forward. And unless your husband makes a concerted effort to reassure you, this route may well be your best option. But please do consider that going your separate ways does not have to be your only choice. If you decide you want to try, it is possible to make it past an affair. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains more.

DRINKING TO DEATH

My alcoholic son can't stop his addiction and I fear I will find him dead

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30317070/alcoholic-son-cant-stop-addiction/

I AM worried sick about my son. He is an alcoholic, but he is abusive with it. I can’t have him living with me because he can be violent and vile. I have tried everything to help him. Family and friends have completely cut him off and I can’t help but wonder if I should do the same. The thought of shutting him out terrifies me but also appeals. Having him in my life is so hard – he threatens me and pushes me around when he’s drunk. He is really hard to be around, but he just won’t help himself. My son is 36 and I am his 59-year-old mum. I am all he has left now as even his dad has washed his hands of him. He stops drinking for a few days and then starts again. He doesn’t want to stop and that’s the problem. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal He doesn’t wash and his clothes are dirty and stained. I live in fear that one day I will find him dead in his flat.

Dealing with a child who has an alcohol problem is stressful but it is vital that you take care of yourself. Going to a support group for families such as al-anonuk.org.uk (0800 0086 811) can help. You can’t make your son stop drinking or force him to seek help and it’s not easy for someone to admit that they have a problem. My support pack Dealing With A Problem Drinker will help.

GUTS FULL

Husband flirts with every other woman but puts me down at any opportunity

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30405363/had-enough-manipulated-gaslit-by-husband/

AFTER years of being manipulated and gaslit, I’ve reached the end of my tether with my husband. Every day he breaks me down just a bit more and I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to take it. I’m 52, my husband is 56 and we’ve been married for 25 years. We have three grown-up children together. Our relationship used to be amazing but over the years he’s grown grumpy and things between us have soured. Now our marriage is built on humiliation and hurt, and it’s hard to remember a time when we were actually happy. These days he constantly picks at me. Whether it’s about the way I look, the things I do or say, he’s always shaming me. Every time we go out it feels like he’s purposely flirting and entertaining other women to make me jealous, and whenever I have a reaction he turns it around on me and makes me feel guilty. I can’t understand why he’s constantly trying to hurt me.

There is no excuse for your husband’s behaviour. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that can have long-lasting results. If you want things to improve you both need to have an open and honest discussion. Find a moment to explain to him how you’ve been feeling and tell him that something needs to change. My support pack called Standing Up For Yourself may help you to get the message across. If he’s unwilling, it might be time to consider walking away.

BROKEN MY TRUST

My wife sent sexy pictures in her underwear to man she met on Instagram

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30317071/wife-sent-sexy-pictures-instagram/

I FOUND out my wife has been sending sexy pictures of herself to another man, and it has sent my anxiety through the roof. I am 37 and my wife is 35. We have been together for six years and have a two-year-old daughter. My wife is a lovely woman and I thought she was happy. When I confronted her, she admitted she’d been worried but this other man wouldn’t stop pestering her so she continued obliging him. Her justification was she felt she needed a bit of excitement in her life and when this guy started messaging her on Instagram, she went along with it. The messages were mostly flirty, but some were sexual. The photos were mostly of her in her underwear. This feels like a massive betrayal. My wife has apologised and has promised to stop but I am struggling to move past this. How can I stay in a relationship with someone I don’t trust?

This is a form of cheating. Tell her how hurt you are and ask her how she would feel if you were doing the same thing with other women. Trust is essential in a relationship. Even if your wife hasn’t actively had an affair, she has been talking to another man in secret, knowing it was wrong. My support pack, Cheating – Can You Get Over It? should help you decide whether there is any way to save your marriage.

THANK YOU

When our sex life died you helped us reignite our spark

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30423134/sex-life-died-helped-us-reignite-our-spark/

I WROTE to you because my wife had gone off sex completely. She’d just given birth to our youngest son and was experiencing issues with her mental health for the first time. I’m 33 and she’s 34. It didn’t take long for our sex life to stop and it felt like we were friends, not lovers. Whilst I supported my wife, my head was being turned by my younger colleague. I didn’t want to cheat but I was missing the affection and intimacy we’d once shared. You advised me to speak to her about how I was feeling when things were calm and quiet. You sent me your support packs Standing Up For Yourself, Sex Problems After A Baby and Reviving A Woman’s Sex Drive. I followed your advice and things are now slowly looking brighter. My wife began getting help for her mental health issues and our sex life is now back on track. Thank you Deidre for helping us.

Mental health can have a huge impact on a couple’s sex life. I’m so pleased that things are back on track for you both.

DEAR DEIDRE

Church-going husband has been having sex with another woman and blames me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30311496/church-going-husband-sex-woman/

MY husband makes out he’s holier than anyone at our church and yet I know he’s having sex with another parishioner. Everyone tells me what a good man he is and he loves volunteering for all the fundraisers at church. Yet since this new woman arrived, he’s become the worst — a sinner. I’m 57 and he’s 56 and we have been married for 30 years. I suspected something was wrong when he suddenly began to refuse to sleep in the same bed as me. He claimed it was because I was snoring, which has never been an issue before. He’s always fallen asleep and snores much more himself. Then I noticed he kept speaking to this woman at church. She’s single, mid 40s and seemed friendly, especially with the men. She’s exactly his type, with blue eyes and blonde hair, so I kept a close eye on them. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal Sure enough, he started attending more sessions at church, insisting that I didn’t need to go. We used to go once or twice a month, but now he attends every Sunday without fail. Then he stopped answering his phone after service and didn’t return until later than usual. Then one of my church friends came over one day and confided in me there was rumour going around that my husband was with this new woman. I confronted him and he admitted to having an affair. My whole world fell apart. How could he do this to me? I thought he was a good Christian. He now insists they’ve only slept together once and blames his cheating on our non-existent sex life. As I’ve aged, I’ve found my sex drive has lowered, but whenever I asked my husband how he felt about this, he said it didn’t matter as he loves me. He insists it will never happen again and that he doesn’t want a divorce, but I no longer trust him. How can we move past this?

Your husband should have told you he was unhappy with the lack of intimacy in your relationship – only then could you have addressed the problem. But now that you know it is up to both of you to decide if you want to try and repair the damage. You’ll both need to start talking through what is making you unhappy in your marriage and work towards the changes you both need. It won’t be an easy conversation and will take many discussions to rebuild any trust. My support pack How Counselling Can Help has more information on this, and the one called Your Man Cheating On You? will help you think this through.

DEAR DEIDRE

Who should I spend my golden years with, my husband or my younger lover?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30269878/who-golden-years-husband-younger-lover/

AFTER seven years of living a double life, I can’t decide who to spend my golden years with - my husband or my younger lover. I’m 62, and my husband is 65. We’ve been married for 35 years and have three grown up daughters together. My husband and I built a good life, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t grown bored over the years. And I’ll admit it was all about the sex when I first got together with my younger colleague but over time we’ve grown closer, he understands me and our feelings run deep. My lover, who’s 56, gives me so much attention and keeps me feeling young. My husband and I used to have so much fun - whether that was going on spontaneous dates or taking adventurous holidays, we were always laughing. Now every day blends into the next, and I can’t even remember the last time we were intimate. So when an attractive younger man started giving me attention at work, I found myself crumbling. He was smart, handsome, and so unapologetically interested in me. I grappled with it for months before I finally caved and gave him my number. After that, we couldn’t stay away from each other, and we’ve been sneaking around ever since. Now I can’t imagine my life without him, but as my retirement is fast approaching, I know our relationship will become impossible to hide. I love my husband dearly, and the last thing I want is to hurt him, but life with my lover feels like a dream. Is it time I finally make the break?

It’s understandable that you’re torn, but try to remind yourself of the commitment you made to your husband all those years ago. While your lover has been a great distraction, without focusing on the issues in your marriage and trying to work through them, you haven’t given your husband an equal chance. Of course, right now sex with your lover is fun and exciting, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it would work as a lasting relationship. Before making any rash decisions, think long and hard if your marriage is worth fighting for. I hear from many readers who leave to then discover they've made the wrong decision. My support pack, Torn Between Two Men will help. If you decide to stay, couples counselling will be essential. You can find support through Tavistock Relationships, (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975).