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Random men picking you up in banged-up cars not good enough for snooty London. Uber has been denied its license renewal by Transport for London, despite Londoners craving danger when using the capital’s transport infrastructure.

Wetherspoon’s beer mat Brexit manifesto more detailed than the government’s own Brexit plan. After half a million beer mats were released to Wetherspoon’s pubs with a "manifesto" for a "successful Brexit" printed on them, it has become apparent they are far more detailed than anything the government produced.

Donald Trump shaken after discovering the concept of ‘ladders’. A critical flaw in the Mexico Wall plan is being painstakingly explained to the President today.

Free coffee in Waitrose only thing holding civilisation together. Britain would immediately spiral into a nightmarish dystopia straight out of Mad Max if Waitrose were to stop its daily free coffee offer, it has emerged.

Donald Trump suddenly really quiet about the stock market for some reason.The Dow Jones lost it’s largest same-day number of points in history yesterday, in what the markets are calling ‘Orange Monday’.

Cadburys to remove ‘Easter’ from Easter eggs to avoid causing offence.Some dipshits are going to get angry about that headline because they think it’s true, we can confirm.

Flat-earth space agency to launch satellites by throwing them off the edge. The Flat Earth Society is to beat Elon Musk at his own game by throwing satellites off the edge of the world to get them into orbit.

Greeting card executives decree mandatory day of romance. Couples everywhere are today required to participate in a greeting card company mandated day of romance.

We’ll stop making money off mass shootings just as soon as the Republican Party do, confirm Internet satirists. If Marco Rubio can make three million bucks from the NRA then we can milk this too, Internet satirists have confirmed today.

Middle-class man successfully avoids making eye contact with his plumber. 37-year-old Simon Williams managed to get through the ordeal of a 2-hour heating inspection without making eye contact with his plumber once, he has revealed.

UK life expectancy jumps as KFC forced to close for 24 hours. Britons are expected to live an average of two years longer as a result of KFC closing yesterday, according to reports.

American gun enthusiasts and Warhammer fans united in glee by news that chainsaw bayonets exist.Both a bunch of lonely neckbeards who can’t talk to women, and Warhammer 40k fans are excited by the news that chainsaw bayonets actually exist, reports indicate.

Waitrose on receiving end of world’s largest ‘I told you so’. Middle-class supermarket chain Waitrose has withdrawn its offer to give anyone a free coffee in a move expertshave called ‘so predictable it’s actually painful’.

Rail companies in desperate search for new ways to show contempt for customers. Following surveys showing that customer satisfaction with railways is at an all-time low, rail companies are working hard to find innovative ways to show how much they loathe passengers.

Fox News launches 24-hour rolling apology channel. After a series of high-profileclimb-downson inaccurate stories, the Fox News network has launched a24-hour rolling apology channel to keep up with demand.

We’re furious at how PwC strictly adhered to the tax rules that we created, insist MPs. An MPs report has strongly criticised accountancy firm PriceWaterhouseCoopers for strictly adhering to the tax rules put in place by MPs.

Keep Pot Noodles away from food, supermarkets warned. Supermarkets are being urged to display Pot Noodles away from food so that people don’t accidentallyassume they’re edible.

People who snore are brilliant, confirms new John Lewis Christmas advert. John Lewis has unveiled its latest Christmas advert, with a delightful message that snorers are actually lovely people to spend the night with.

Aldi to rebrand as ‘ValueBastard’. Discount supermarket Aldi is to rebrand as ‘ValueBastard’ in a move designed to appeal to its core customer base.

Libraries urged to sell shitty, over-priced buckets of coffee flavoured milk. Libraries have been urged to emulate coffee shops in order to survive, according to a new report into the service.

City Link management to shag employees’ partners. City Link management have announced plans to have affairs with its employees’ partners, shoot their pets and tell their kids that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

Local pub forced to declare Major Incident. The Red Lion pub in Haywards Heath earlier today declared a Major Incident after it was found to be operating near the peak of its capacity.

Election debates to address concerns over Cadbury’s Creme Egg recipe. The first question at each of the pre-election debates will be about the new Cadbury’s Creme Egg recipe, according to sources this morning.

Carlsberg’s new 7.5% Special Brew to target ‘health conscious’ alcoholics. Carlsberg is to reduce the alcohol content of its Special Brew lager from 9% to 7.5% in an attempt to corner the lucrative health-conscious alcoholic market.

‘Apple profits are outrageous’ tweets man into his new ￡700 iPhone.Technology giant Apple has declared its biggest ever quarterly profit, much to the annoyance of people who don’t seem to understand how capitalism works.

Pagan shoppers vow to boycott Tesco over Christian family in Yuletide advert. Angry pagans took to social media last night, accusing supermarket giant Tesco of devaluing Yuletide by showcasing apparently Christian families in its latest seasonal TV advert.

Brexit impact statements described as ‘Project Fear’ by the Government that wrote them. Brexit impact studies have been described as ‘speculative fearmongering’ by the Government thatactually wrote them today.

Man extremely vocal about women’s employment rights when the job involves shiny skintight dresses. A man has spoken out about the employment rights of women he feels are treated unfairly, but only for those whose job involves parading around in front of him in skintight outfits for his enjoyment.

M&S employees promised ‘not just any redundancy’With the news that a number of Marks and Spencer shops are to be closed, senior management at the struggling retailerhave assured staff that their redundancy will be something special.

Jeremy Corbyn seeing his own shadow means twelve more months of capitalism. According to folklore, if Punxatawny Jez sees his own shadow today then capitalism will endure for another twelve months.

Virgin Trains passengers no longer able to wipe their arses on the Daily Mail. Virgin Trains has announced it will no longer supply a free copy of the Daily Mail in any of its lavatories.

Theresa May meets EU business leaders to start circulating CV. Sensing her impending demise as PM Theresa May has made an impromptu trip to meet with EU Business leaders, to network and circulate her latest CV.

Woman who magically found £1bn to save her own job unable to find anything to save 20,000 jobs. A woman who magically found £1bn of taxpayer money in order to save her own job has admitted she’s struggling to find the government money required to save 20,000 jobs.

C3PO running 30% slower after latest operating software updateStar Wars droid C3PO has been discovered to be running much slower after his operating system was updated to the latest version.

How do I file a country for bankruptcy, asks Donald Trump. With the US government in a shutdown as the working week began today, President Trump has asked advisers on the quickest and easiest way to file an entire country for bankruptcy.

Theresa May to appease grumpy commuters by turning rail tickets blue. Theresa May has announced that all rail tickets will be blue from March 2019 in a move designed to appease grumpy commuters upset at paying more than they used to.

Scots panic-buying Irn-Bru amid plans to remove girders from the recipe. Plans to stop making Irn-Bru from girders have led to original recipe stocks of the drink flying off the shelves.

Workers to mark ‘Fat Cat Thursday’ by obediently swallowing more corporate gravy. Workers across Britain are today celebrating ‘Fat Cat Thursday’ – the point at which top UK bosses have already earned the average salary – by accepting the same bullshit that they do every day like good little boys and girls.

People who are happy to spend £3.70 on a coffee losing their shit about paying 25p for cup. Coffee drinkers who are happy to spend the fat end of £4 on a hot drink are losing their shit about having to pay 25p for a takeaway cup.

"You are welcome to walk" cackle train companies. The cost of train tickets will go up by 3.4% and what are you going to about it, peasant?

Disney unveils latest addition to ‘Disney Princesses’ as 20th Century Fox takeover talks progress.The takeover of 20th Century Fox by Disney will allow girls to be the royalty they always wanted to be, insiders have confirmed.

Games Workshop employee now qualified childminder. An employee of the hobby brand Games Workshop has spent so much time looking after other people’s kids he is now qualified to do it professionally.

Fish and chips refusing to be wrapped up in the Daily Mail from now on. A number of cod and several thousand potatoes across the land are today calling for fast food outlets to cease wrapping them up in old copies of the Daily Mail.

Company to replace pension plan with lottery syndicate. A company has thought of an inventive new way to alleviate the tedium and cost of maintaining a company pension plan; by setting up a lottery syndicate.

Toffifee mysteriously appears on supermarket shelves again.This year, as every year, there is a mystery surrounding the recent arrival of Toffifee to supermarket shelves in the run-up towards Christmas.

By marrying an American my kids can become President, confirms Harry. By marrying an American, Prince Harry has ensured his children will be both in line to the throne and eligible to stand for President, so beat that.

UK businesses to lose £15bn on ‘F*ck-all Friday’. Government analysts have predicted UK businesses will lose more than £15Bn revenue today as millions of workers rock-up and do absolutely nothing for 8 hours.

Hard drugs advent calendar to be big hit this Christmas. A new hard drugs advent calendar is set to become the big hit of the festive season.

UK’s response to EU Brexit demands leaves other countries suddenly very keen to ‘negotiate’ trade deals. Brexiteers are claiming vindication today as their prediction of nations clamouring to make deals with post-Brexit Britain came true following the announcement that David Davis spent six months talking tough before giving the EU exactly what it wanted.

Post-Brexit economy to be based on pounds of flesh. Your skin will soon be your money, accordingto the latest Brexit negotiations.

Theresa May arrives in Japan with three-wheeled van full of ‘lovely jubbly’ British goods. ‘Prime’ Minister Theresa May has touched down in Japan with a three-wheeled van full of British goods best described as ‘lovely jubbly’ and the determination to secure a ‘blinding’ trade deal.

Supermarkets continuing to really overdo it with the whole pumpkin thing. With the summer but a fading memory and there being a mere 22 days to Hallowe’en, British supermarkets are continuing to pander to the whole bloody thing by cramming in as many stupidly sized pumpkins into their foyers as possible, it has emerged.

New report claims Old MacDonald will no longer have a farm after Brexit. Old MacDonald will have a farm right up until Britain leaves the EU, according to a report published today.

Britain First call for boycott of IKEA after ‘Allah’ discovered on Viking clothing.Britain First has called for a boycott of the popular Scandinavian brand after discovering that the Vikings were nothing more than a group of Islamic invaders hell-bent on spreading Sharia law.

Furious MPs demand to know why people are obeying the tax laws which they wrote. The news is full of Members of Parliament outraged by people obeying the tax laws they wrote today.

iPhone X performing badly in hammer stress tests, complain morons. The iPhone X is so poorly made it is unable to withstand a sustained hammer attack without the glass breaking, numerous twats have concluded this morning.

280 characters will make Twitter the home of calm, courteous debate, insists company despite available evidence. Giving everyone 280 characters will make debates well constructed, articulate and courteous, Twitter believes.

Shutting down Sky News could see robot Kay Burley reprogrammed. Kay Burley’s programming could be fully recalibrated if Sky News goes away.

Travel agents overwhelmed with requests to meet Benjamin Netanyahu. The discovery that it’s possible to unexpectedly have several meetings with world leaders whilst on holiday has led to travel agents being ‘overwhelmed’ this morning.

EU demands custody of Northern Ireland at weekends. The EU has opened up a new row in Brexit negotiations by demanding custody of Northern Ireland every weekend.

Apple to f*ck about with the iPhone yet again. The new iPhone will include a whole shitload of features you neither want nor need.

Senior Tories lambaste government’s paltry efforts to rescue their offshore bank accounts. Several prominent conservative politicians have quietly criticised the UK’s underfunded aid effort to the computer servers and safety deposit boxes of the British Caribbean in the aftermath of Hurricane Irma.

Wetherspoon’s offering free pint to anyone with poppy bigger than their head. Patriotic watering hole chain Wetherspoon’s have today offered a free pint to anyone proud enough of their country to wear a poppy bigger than a human head.

Uber to ‘take back control’ by negotiating deals with each individual Londoner.Ride-sharing service Uber has claimed it will be taking back control of its destiny by negotiating deals with individual Londoners, after losing its deal with TfL.

Consumers warned against black market ‘street’ Jaffa Cakes after McVities cut size of a pack.A reduction in the number in a box announced by McVities has created a black market in cut-price ‘street’ Jaffa Cakes, we can reveal.

Starbucks to mark International Coffee Day by actually spelling your name correctly. For the first time ever you will not have a bizarre variant of your name lazily scrawled on your takeaway coffee, Starbucks has confirmed today.

Brexiter demands points-based system for repatriation of Monarch passengers. A Brexiter has reacted angrily to this morning’s news that all holiday-makers in Europe with Monarch flights will be repatriated to the UK without any regard to whether the economy can sustain them or not.

Getting told to ‘f*ck off’ will be the easiest trade negotiation in history, maintains Liam Fox. The International Trade secretary has doubled down on his controversial claim that a post-Brexit trade agreement with the EU will be a smooth process beginning with the UK asking for complete status quo on trade agreements before being told to go choke on a thick one.

No-one can pack a bag that quickly so just slow the f*ck down, supermarket checkout workers told. Throwing the shopping down the checkout like you’re throwing aid to desperate refugees won’t get you paid any quicker, shoppers have told supermarkets today.

Bank of England announces sharp rise in tedious mortgage conversationsBank of England governor Mark Carney has today announced a sharp rise in the number of tedious conversations about mortgages.

Bank of England believes thought of 75,000 bankers losing their jobs will sadden public. The Bank of England believes that Brexit could cost around 75,000 finance jobs and that your average man on the street will somehow be sad about that.

Co-worker inexplicably thinks you’re interested in hearing about their commute. A man whose commute takes him through London Waterloo seems to think you’re interested in hearing all about it today.

Walnut Whips to be renamed Brexit Whips. Walnut Whips are to be rebranded to indicate their impoverished nut-free status.

Regulated rail fares to rise from ‘Outrageous’ to ‘Exorbitant’. Thanks to rising inflation rail fares will rise by up to 3.6% in the new year, elevating current prices from ‘outrageous’ to ‘exorbitant’.

Littlehampton branch of Wimpy misses out on Good Food Guide restaurant of the year yet again. There was disappointment in Littlehampton as their Wimpy restaurant on the High Street missed out being named the Good Food Guide restaurant of the year yet again.

LinkedIn now 100% dickhead. LinkedIn has become the world’s first 100% dickhead social network after a pleasant man called Kevin finally worked out how to delete his account.

Nigel Farage furious at witch-hunt against nation’s indigenous white goods. Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage has hit out at reports that faulty white goods are set to destroy our way of life as we know it.

InfoWars launches Halal version of BrainForce Plus. Ultra right-wing moron-baiters InfoWars have today launched a Halal-friendly version of the BrainForce Plus supplements to target the self-loathing Muslim market.

We’ve actually got your money already, Keurig tell protesters. Keurig coffee makers have reminded morons that if you’ve got one to smash then they’ve already got your money, thanks very much.

Atheists admit they could be lured into religion if nativity had more sausage rolls. Any religion that promotes delicious pastry meat products is worth a second look, according to atheist groups this afternoon.

Seasonal Affective Disorder more punctual than Southern Rail. Your Seasonal Affective Disorder has arrived bang on time yet again, putting to shame those organisations that work to an official timetable.

Cyber crime suddenly ‘very serious’ after banking institutions become victims. With cyber criminals turning their attention away from members of the public to banking institutions, the situation has officially become ‘serious’ according to reports.

Lagoon power stations would drastically reduce opportunities for foreign invasions, warns Tony Blair.Being reliant on nothing more than your own coastline for your power needs would drastically reduce the incentives for foreign invasions, Tony Blair has warned this morning.

Crowdfunding campaign for ‘magic beans’ raises £1.3m. A crowdfunding campaign to raise £50,000 in a month to cultivate and grow magic beans, is currently standing at over £1.3M after only three days.

Tesco’s new passive aggressive tills to ask if you’re ‘just going to leave that item there then?’. Tesco is to replace its annoying ‘unexpected item in bagging area’ message with far more passive aggressive phrasesfor its moron customers.

Fury as lottery website crash forces thousands to save two quid. Thousands of people have complained angrily that a fault with the National Lottery website has left them 2 quid better off.

Giant company guilty of acting like bastards. A giant business has been found guilty of acting like a total shit tothe people who supply it.

Tesco customers to pay for their shopping ‘at some point in the future’.Tesco customers have insisted they will pay for all the shopping they’re taking from the store at some point in the future.

People who own shares in banks failing to attract any sympathy whatsoever. People who own shares in banksare, once again, failing to get any sympathy after they lost a quarter of their value since the start of the year.

NewsThump and The Independent to merge. The Independent newspaper is to cease print operation and merge its online offering with NewsThump, we can announce this afternoon.

Nation scarred by thought of Rupert Murdoch and Jerry Hall having sex. The nation is to seek counselling after being unable to avoid visualising Rupert Murdoch and Jerry Hall having sex.

Grim Reaper’s ‘Dry January’ leads to increased productivity. The Grim Reaperis reporting record productivity after taking part in the ‘dry January’ event.

HMRC urged to google how much tax Google owes. After an ‘open audit’ of their accounts led to Google agreeing to pay £130m in back taxes, HMRC have been urged to get a more accurate figure of what the company owes by googling it.

‘If you love something, set it free’ does not apply to doomsday viruses, mad scientists told. Mad scientists have been told that "If you love something set it free" does not apply to doomsday viruses.

New cancer treatment could see Daily Mail reduced to A5 leaflet. The Daily Mail could be reduced to an A5 leaflet moaning about immigrants after researchers showed that a new treatment could eliminate cancer.

Irony extravaganza as Nike ends business deal on ‘moral basis’. Shoe manufacturer and employers of children, Nike, have ended their business relationship with Manny Pacquiao after he said something quite nasty.

31% British Gas profit rise ‘definitely due to increased sales not price fuckery’. British Gas made an absolute shit-ton of cash last year thanks to their hard work and dedication to gas.

Morons who think 5p carrier bag charge is illegal urged to take it to court. People who keep sharing an image on Facebook implying that the 5p carrier bag charge is illegal, have been urged to spare no expense in bringing the case to the High Court.

World stunned as KFC meal discovered to contain actual chicken. A meal sold by KFC in Australia actually had some chicken in it, the nation has been stunned to learn today.

Ivor the Engine retires to National Railway Museum. Ivor the Engine made his last trip north today to become a permanent display at the National Railway Museum.